Mitch Teich The Retriever What's wrong with the world in 5 pages editorial When Retriever editorial editor Arun Gup- "The Law and Harry McGraw," "Jake and Wildcats." CBS would probably have a fit. ta approached me about writing a column for the Fat Man," "Kate and Allie," "Simon and Maybe they could hire Dick Button. PAGE 4 March 29,1988 this week, I was willing, as usual. However, Simon,""Beauty and the Beast." Did CBS do this time there was a condition. some marketing survey and find out that the We're up to page four and I'm really "Can you make it long?" he asked. "American Public's favorite word was "and"? cruising along now, so let's just take on issue "Uh, how long?" I replied hesitantly. I also noticed that the fun-filled Fox Net- #4: "Say, five pages." work ("Women in Prison,""21 Jump Street," Here's an update on an editorial from I weighted the alternative of playing video etc.) has signed up Mr. T for a groovy new November. You can call it a post-script for my Sea Store is inconvenient games for four hours against writing a five- show called "T and T." (Think of all the open letter to the Ford Motor Company. My The Sea Store has two problems with its sleep at 4 p.m. Saturdays sleep for 24 hours? page editorial. Not being one who can turn sexual implications there.) It's just a shame "T final complaint about my 78 Ford Fairmont: name. First, the name "Sea Store" doesn't How about Sunday newspapers? Don't go to down a challenge, I got right to work on this and T" is up against "Mutual of Omaha's It threw a rod (I understand that it has quite hack it. If it was "C-Store" (as in the Sea Store. They don't have them. You've editorial immediately following my grueling, Wild Kingdom" or I'd be glued to my set to something to do with the engine) in scenic Convenience Store), it might make sense but got to brave the 35 minute lines in the express three-set victory over the computer in "vs. capture the talents of this international acting Cumberland, Maryland last month. The basic then again, that leads us to problem two. For lane of the Arbutus Giant to get your Calvin Tennis." I figured five pages wouldn't be so to sensation. problem I encountered was the incredible a convenience store, it sure isn't very conve- and Hobbes fill for the day. The magazine fill, when you consider that this introduction depreciation this causes. The car itself had nient. selection is less than wonderful, but that's took up most of page one. In the spirit of The McLaughlin Group: Issue dwindled its value to somewhere in the vicini- The hours of operation are ridiculous. The only one writer's taste. No Sports illus- The major problem with writing an edi- #2: ty of $600. Buying a $1000 engine for a $600 administration here talks of eliminating the trated. torial this long was coming up with a topic Forgive me for being pertinent, but isn't it car seemed hardly worth it, so I donated it to image of U MBC as a commuter school. At the Parking is another bit of fun. While the that could hold the reader's attention for a pitiful to have a governor who insists on the Allegany County Public Schools same time, the convenience store, aside from walk from Chesapeake Hall and many of the really long time, much the way "Supercarrier" "making Maryland's education #1" and then Vocational/ Technical program, as soon as opening almost a year later than expected, apartments isn't bad (in fact, it's quite conve- does on Sunday nights on ABC, when the goes ahead and commits a whopping $19,000 they can get it out from behind the U-Haul caters to commuter students and students that nient), but walking from Patapsco in the viewer wonders when the Russians are finally out of his supplementary budget to the EN- trucks at Wayne's Chevron in Cumberland. go home on week-ends. During the week, the pouring rain is less than convenient. If you going to say the hell with it and sink the damn TIRE University of Maryland Baltimore If you're wondering about the cause of our Sea Store is open until midnight. But so are drive, you're faced with another problem. thing. In any case, I thought I'd just complain County? I mean the governor's car had to massive trade deficit with Japan, look at used pizza places. So are many fast-food .drive There's no place to park. You can hardly fault about the world for a while. And all you have cost more than that by a long shot. He car ads. Look at the price of a 1980 Honda through windows. Food at pizza places is the apartment dwellers for parking in the people with those "Earth: Love it or leave it" also says eliminating repetition within the Civic and then look at the price of a 1980 Ford delivered and fast food is cheaper. So why go spaces closest to the Sea Store, but it seems bumper stickers can go back to reading USA UM library system will make the quality go Fiesta. It's interesting. If you were going to to the Sea Store? If it was open until, say, 3 that the small parking lot next to the store Today's full-color weather map. up. Apparently, he wants to eliminate repiti- buy a car, would you buy one that you could a.m., it might attract late-night studiers (of could be enlarged a little and ten-minute Let's start with the problem that affects all tion of books within the UM library system, conceivably sell, or would you buy one that course, the library's only open until 11), parking could be installed. That's just one of of us living here in 20th Century Earth: with his refusal to add money for the Kuhn you'd have to pay someone to take? insomniacs, and the crowd that has just those convenience things. There's nothing on TV. I mean it. Now that library to his supplementary budget. Maybe it I just bought a 1983 Subaru GL. watched David Letterman. The powers that be at the University Center the writers are on strike and Letterman is in would be better to have only one copy of every On the week-ends, however, (Friday/ Bookstore are to be commended for the repeats, I only watch one show regularly book in the whole state. Hell, what good are This brings us up to Issue #5: Saturday) the Sea Store is open until the development of a convenience store. (Night Heat — Thursdays at midnight on the letters of the alphabet if everybody uses Am I missing something, or does the name eternal hour of four in the afternoon. Do they However, they just need to study what the CBS). It's as if the writers went on strike them? UMBC needs its own language. of the new convenience store on campus here (by "they," I mean the powers that be at the students who use it are looking for in a store because they ran out of material. "Cheers" has not make any sense? "7-Eleven" makes sense. Sea Store) think the people who stay here on of this variety. Granted, they did solicit gone downhill faster than Pirmin Zubriggen Harumph. Issue #3: I don't quite get "High's," but "The Sea week-ends go to sleep at 5? Do they think no suggestions for the Sea Store's inventory, but in Winter Olympics. I didn't even realize Why is it that college football and basket- Store?" What the hell does that mean? Does it one sneezes or no one gets a head-ache after at this stage, the Store seems no more conve- "Night Court" was still on the air until I ball is all over the airwaves, both radio and move up and back 50 yards every six hours? 4:00? Or do they figure that if no one works on nient than the Yum Shoppe would be if its accidentally watched it last month. Now I TV, but to watch college baseball, you need No, but I bet it sells Tide laundry detergent. week-ends, no one sleeps? Fortunately, Giant hours were extended. It would certainly have know why I didn't notice it on the schedule. ESPN? I mean, you can even see college That was a short one, but we're already up Food is open 24 hours both Friday and saved the money needed to build the Sea I'm not just picking on NBC's sorry prime- hockey on TV as close by as Washington, but to our final issue: Saturday. Store. time schedule. ABC has followed the Olym- I don't ever remember seeing college baseball CBS News took a poll and 43 percent of the We're still waiting for a true convenience pics up with [gag] "The Charmings" and on anything but cable. American Public said that if Oliver North was Sundays at the Sea Store are fun, too. It store. Until then, sea[sic] you at 7-11 at 4:00 "Thirty-something," the show whose writers And while we're on the subject of college convicted, President Reagan should not par- opens at 4 p.m. What, do the people that go to a.m., Eastern Standard Time. apparently couldn't find the shift and space sports, what happens if Arizona, Kentucky, don him. However, another 43 percent bar keys on the typewriter. Maybe it's some Villanova, and Kansas State all make the thought he should. That's scary. What's even Yuppie in-joke. CBS is your "and" network. Final Four? They're all nicknamed "The scarier is that 14 percent said something else. The Retriever Linda Brien Alden Knisbacher editor-in-chief Susan John,Doug Kennedy. Rich Scherr. Mary Goldstein managing editor Lisa-Renne Thompson staff writers Mitch Teicn news editor Fernando Carneiro, Mark Parenti, Joseph Steinberg, Lori Rodgers assistant news editor Mitch Teich columnists Arun Gupta editorial page editor Chip Bulgin, Bao Pham, Jeanne Pratt, Aislinn Weidele, Lisa Oliver ' features editor Dave Ropiski photographers The Retriever is a publication of the students of the Hey, better get your shits straight Dan Landers sports editor Monica Fitzhugh business manager University of Maryland Baltimore County. Editorials Rick Leckrone photography editor reflect the views of the newspaper; signed columns "When in Rome, do as the Romans" do was The word also can be used in the context of pose of diarrhea but an attractive persQn. "No Jeanne Pratt darkroom manager. represent the opinions of the writers. 7"ne Retriever my motto on arrival in the United States of pulling someones leg or kidding around "Are shit" appears not to refer to constipation, but Monica Wille design coordinator subscribes to the College Press Service and publishes Jon Hammel ad designer weekly on Tuesday during the regular school year. America. Throwing caution to the wind, I you shittin' me?" It can mean some form of it is an assurance that somone is telling the James Polchin ad layout Letters to the editor can be brought to The Retriever'm imbibed in the gum-numbing ice-cold king of abuse or hassle. I was advised by one eloquent truth. "Tough shit," it would seem, has no- Skip Carr, Angie Barr advertising directors Room 219 of the University Center or dropped off at the University Center Information Desk, Box 8. The Retriever beers, instead of the room temperature Harp American not to "take no shit from nobody" thing to do with painful defecation but it is Julie Butler production assistant Candice Camden, Susan Riley, reserves the right to edit any letter deemed libelous, of Ireland and acquired the cultured palate while I was here. My confusion over the exact understood to mean "hard luck" and while to Lorna Timmons executive typesetters lengthy, or repetitive. The editors can be reached at 455- needed for pizza, nachos and buffalo wings. I interpretation of the noun was increased two "shit a brick" (oooh!) makes reference to Tom Nugent faculty advisor 3254 or 455-3255. Letters should be typed, signed and readjusted to driving on the wrong side of the weekends ago as I sat in an overcrowded party being surprised or shocked (and in fairness, Barbara Gwinn, Kelli Riley executive assistants include a telephone number. The RetrieverIs an equal opportunity employer. road and perfected the unique American beside a guy smoking a strange cigarette. who wouldn't be?), comfort can be taken from Russ Barratt. Lisa M. Sell. Kenny Curtis, Aurelia Glenn, driver's etiquette of gracefully raising one "Man, this is good shit," he breathed as I the fact that not all Americans are doomed to finger at those less considerate users of the sniffed apprehensively in his general direc- such wretched suffering and some "sure as public highways. I even got myself a soap (of tion. Standing at the vegetable section of the shit" are as regular as clockwork. the "Young and Restless" not of the "Irish Giant an elderly man sideled up behind and While in Ireland, a popular leisure activity Joeseph Steinberg Spring" variety) and all in all, felt I was "doin' grunted, "Shit tomatoes for this time of year is to shoot duck or pheasant, Americans like real good," as they say in Balmore Murlan, huh?" to "shoot the shit" and while we canoe in the home of the Chesapeake Bay and crab bash- The plot thickens.... It would seem that it river Lagan, boat on the river Bann or water ing. can also refer to someone's personal posses- ski on Lough Erne, in America one can ride sions as in "get your shit outta here now!" the rapids, surf the coastline or find oneself Shanty reminds that Doing really well, that is, until I came While it can describe a powerful and uncon- "up shitcreek without a paddle." across one four-letter word, the usage of trollable reaction to something — "Man, he's It appears possible to "eat shit" and "be full which defies uniform description and knows gonnna shit himself when he hears this." of shit." However, this is not a major problem no boundaries. That word is the all-American Our friends in the animal world are not in that the shit can be beaten or scared out of apartheid still lives SHIT. Without meaning to be faecetious, omitted in this glossary. "Horseshit" and someone. excuse me, facetious, it would appear that "Bullshit" refer to a load of rubbish or Last but not least, nothing is sacred. "Holy A dozen students and employees of this tries, strikes and rallies interface with order Americans have a curious fondness for this campus rebuilt the shanty on Wednesday, and prosperity for the few. nonsense and while I do not profess to be an shit" is an exclamation of surprise or shock... unit of language. It craps, I mean, crops up expert on the quality and quantity of fowl the mind boggles. March 23, for only the fourth or fifth time. Additionally, the press is prized as a me- with alarming frequency in a bewildering After being burnt, knocked down, vanda- dium of information and expression. But no excrement (if you excuse the pun), chick- While Freud could have had a psychoana- array of prefixed and suffixed forms and enshit is suggestive of insignificance and lyst's field day with this shit, Walt Whitman lized, occupied, and finally beaten by the reporter can enter South Africa, unless the liberally punctuates daily conversation. winter weather, the shanty has become an government permits it. Sites of unrest are off things of little importance. articulates his opinion in his book Slang in Now in Ireland shit is shit — nothing more A memorable visit to the Country Palace America. invisible feature of the UMBC landscape. Not limits, but ministry officials are fine. Officials and nothing less. The most creative thing even the usual host of new-con, corporate also have banned almost all of the opposition Bar in Dundalk, where Stetsons and cowboy "Considering the language then as some done with shit is when a farmer heaps a load boots are haute couture, brings to mind yet mighty potentate, into the majestic audience fodder paused to scoff as enthusiastic liberals newspapers in the country, like the New of it over his newly planted potato crop. Not and radicals strove to create one more shanty, Nation. Students complain South African another example. When I asked politely did hall of the monarch ever enters a personage so in America. In America it is physically they serve draught beer, the bartender, ciga- like one of Shakespeare's clowns and takes a symbol of white South African and corpo- news is old news. What news? I've found little possible to "feel like ten pounds of shit in a rate cruelty. South Africa, say students, is coverage anywhere. So what about those nice rette dangling from the side of his mouth, postion there and plays a part even in the half pound bag," or so I was informed by a drawled, "Honey, does a bear shit in the stateliest ceremonies. Such is slang, or indi- passe, unexciting. And besides, Congress corporations and that saint, Reagan, who horrendously hung-over roommate as she sanctions. What more can be done? have punished the wicked South Africans? woods?" I took that to mean yes and pro- rection, an attempt of common humanity to staggered one morning to the bathroom with ceeded to get nicely "shitfaced." excape from bald literalism and express itself The situation in South Africa is worse than Corporations have found ways to wiggle her eyelashes glued together by last night's it probably ever has been, simply because out of their public relations nightmares. Some To the uninitiated, certain phrases appear inimitably." mascara and with breath that smelled like an to refer to distinct bowel activity — "hot as Try telling that to the bartender at the apartheid has survived for so long. Apartheid have never fully withdrawn, like Coca-Cola. open grave. has revealed the flip side of Western civiliza- Some are trying to get back in, using imagina- shit," however, does not refer to a scalding Country Palace in Dundalk. tion, the suppression becomes oppression, tive campaigns to convince activists and the political expression benefits an exploitative citizen in general, that corporate involvement minority, economic opportunity benefits the can prepare blacks for a post-apartheid socie- rich, who could do without more wealth, and ty. The campaigns are a dodge to justify Erin Doyle basic freedoms inhibit, instead of foster, current corporate involvement and fail to growth. But in the exterior, the ideals still address the issue of destroying apartheid. The shine, reaffirmed in the blood, sweat, and fact, is, that South Africa is a destablized tears of those who ask for mere life. pastiche of corporations and an Afrikaner Altruists out, yuppies take over The "Sharpeville Six" have found them- population striving to retain long-gone Causes are hip again. But not if you have to it beats aerobics any day. meet others who share that guilt in hopes of selves in such a mantle of ideals. A heinous dreams of independence, oppressing a mili- wear love beads. The upwardly mobile are anxious to help. diffusing it. law convicted five men and a woman for the tant and growing black and coloured popu-lation. The new volunteers are swarming to help It sounds so good. It only takes a few hours a One exec mentioned a day he was ex- murder of a black Councillor, Khuzwayo week. hausted from work and contemplated skipp- Jacob Dhlamini, in Sharpeville. But the gov- The sanctions passed by Congress last year the less fortunate at a startling rate. Perhaps more startling is their origin. These are not However, as a friend of mine noted, "Um, I ing his customary visit to a terminally ill boy. ernment has only proven that the defendants are a step, but not enough. The United States don't mean to cut it down, but I think He arrived at the hospital and told the kid were a part of the mob, angered by rent and Great Britain continue to veto and stifle particularly socially conscious individuals volunteering has been around for quite a what a bad day he had. increases, that stoned, beat, and burned Dhla- UN initiatives and refuse to pressure the raised on a kibbutz or a commune. These are while. It's nothing new." The boy replied, "Yeah, I had a pretty mini. The "Six" had the honor of falling into Afrikaners to lift the state of emergency and people living in high-rises and driving cars v that cost twice what most of us will be paid She's right. I have an aunt in Washington, tough day too." the hands of the South African police as the entertain reform propossals, let alone nego- our first year out of college. These people are D.C., who every holiday season, stays there. Imagine that. hundreds of other protestors fled. The doc- tiate with the ANC. busy. They have money to earn, coffee beans Her mother lives in Chicago, as does the rest In a very warped way, however, things are trine of "common purpose," a cruel variant on Alternatives are still left to activists. South Africa's only raison d'etre is its benefits to to grind and brunches to eat. of the family, but my aunt stays to deliver happening. People are being helped. The sin by association, blames the entire group Christmas dinner to shut-ins. My aunt is no motiviation for all this positive action is and, anyone in that group, equally. multinational corporations. Those corpora- Yuppies are volunteering. It's the latest thing. saint, but I do admire her for this. She laughable. And that's unfortunate. We're dea- And a Supreme Court Justice has inter- tions still operating in South Africa can be scrutinized and their products banned. Coca- Good for them. Right? What could be genuinely wants to help someone. She does ling with a very serious problem: people who vened to stay the execution of the "Six," so not do it for the sole benefit of making herself are in desperate need of help. The people that the defendants can get a "fair" trial. But Cola is an excellent example. Both Towson better than people with time, money and and Johns Hopkins have organized to have compassion to give? People who actually give feel less guilty for owning a Cuisinart. helping them are treating it as a trendy hobby. the cause of the protest and issues raised have it. In many cases, a lot of the motivation is They are feeding a few dozen of the hungry no meaning, compared to these legal ideals. Coca-Cola products banned from their cam- As one volunteer put it, volunteering positive publicity. Companies that sponsor homeless and visiting a sick kid or two. For Sharpeville residents rejoice in the hope that puses. Although neither have succeeded in "makes me feel lucky. When I go home and volunteer programs look good in the eyes of that low price they get: six of their neighbors will live, but their actually banning sodas from sale, compro- see what I have, it all means so much more." everyone but the stockholders. It bothers REDUCED GUILT!! . situation is not any different. Ideals cannot mises with their respective snack shops have Huh? investors to think that their money may be OPPORTUNITIES TO MEET NEW address such down-to-earth issues. Ideals reduced stock and raised awareness on cam- "There are so many social problems and so poured into a company that is not putting all PEOPLE!! have a sickening life of their own. pus. UMBC can be next to join this move-ment. \ few ways to address them," notes another, its effort into making more cash. What is going on? Another ideal sanctions a government to Divestment by the University of Maryland adding that volunterring "makes you feel less Some companies, most notably Atlantic We can only hope that the ends do indeed surpress the political expressions of its major- is still a desired goal. The position of the guilty." Richfield Co., were forced to downplay justify the means. Even if the helping is done ity, simply because it does not like to hear university as a public institution and reluctant Shirley Keller, vice president of Workplace volunteer expenditure when the company was for the wrong reasons, there remains the criticism. This "republic" has been under a regents did express the opinion, that the Programs for Volunteers, speculates this sud- not as profitable as it had been the previous potential for an important learning expe- state of emergency since June, 1986. Finally, University would divest in its own sweet time, den increase in voluntarism is, in part, due to year. Helping the less fortunate has it merits, rience. on February 24, Mr. Botha banned 17 opposi- a clear signal that effective lobbying and the need for security. Individuals feel that if but shareholders have their good points too. Personal interaction with people in need tion groups, including the multiracial United campus demonstrates are needed to heat up they look after someone now, someone will There's something wrong with this whole can only raise consciousness, making indi- Democratic Front (UDF). Not even the issue again. That requires students. look after them later. Probably while their rationale. viduals with the power aware of what needs to internationally-acclaimed clergymen, like Al- South Africa is far from unexciting, rather friends and children are boating. Volunteering, 1 always thought, was some- be done. After the trendiness of the whole lan Boesak and Desmond Tutu, can with- too exciting for life and limb. Students are the Mike King, executive VP of the organiza- thing one might do with one's extra time concept wears off, maybe there will remain a stand Botha's ire. On March 12, the Commit- victims of press controls and media boredom, tion, has a different theory. because there was a need to be filled. The core of concerned people with the means to do tee for the Defense of Democracy was also corporate beguilement, and overcommitt- "Why are they there? To meet other yup- needy take the form of homeless individuals, a lot of good. banned. Most of all, labor unions should not ment. That's the real dent in the armor of pies. It's better than a singles bar." children with reading problems or senior It would be a shame if the cause became old have political concerns, so the Congress of Western ideals, that no one is able to see The newest trend, the compassion kick, is citizens unable to pick up their own groceries. news and was replaced by another diversion. f South African Trade Unions (COSATU), beyond their self-interests. All our civilization receiving more publicity every day. Tutors. It could take the form o terminally ill kids. [Erin Doyle is a columnist for The Daily gets the clamp. In a country where the heart is cherishes pales beside what is really practiced Hospital volunteers. Soup-kitchen workers. This need, until now, had not manifested Illini at the University of Illinois at the exploitation of mines and other indus- by corporations and political officials. Volunteering is a lot less fun than squash, but itself as a need to purge oneself of guilt or Champaign.]