MOLLIE WIRTZ, MS, LMHC

Marigoldcounseling.com transMISSIONwellness.om Credentials • Licensed Mental Health Counselor • Cognitive Behavioral Therapist, trained in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, art therapy, and other trauma-informed practices. • Graduated with Master’s of Science in Applied Psychology from Eastern Washington University in 2005. • Worked with youth, families and individuals in a variety of domains, including in- home family therapy, foster care, and in schools. I have extensive experience in supporting youth ages 5-18, including culturally/ethnically diverse individuals, recent immigrants, and transgender, non-binary, and/or gender fluid youth. I am also knowledgeable in supporting polyamorous, kinky, and queer individuals. • Community organizer for 7 years in the polyamorous community in Seattle. • Currently in private practice Georgetown, supporting transgender, non-binary youth and adults. I do individual, family and relationship/couples counseling. Format for Today

NOT death by PowerPoint

Will be interactive, give you opportunities to learn as well as reflect on your own biases regarding relationship models. What constitutes a relationship?

Partner pair/share: turn to a neighbor and discuss in 30 seconds each what a relationship is. What are your assumptions about a relationship? •Monogamous? •Sexual? •Committed? •Cohabitating? •Romantic •Relationship escalator? Learning Objectives

• Common terms in polyamory/ethical non-monogamy • Common relationship styles/structures • How to use polyamorous-inclusive language with all clients • Practical tips to keep track of polycules • Opportunities to reflect on how mono-normative culture impacts their practice with clients Ethical non-monogamy and polyamory

A polyamorous person is someone who has or is open to having more than one romantic relationship at a time, with the knowledge and consent of all their partners. Polyamory

• Is not inherently queer • Is not inherently kinky • Not a legally protected group • Orientation vs choice? Hotly debated But… why polyamory?Looking deeper

Responses from friends and those in the community • Response to trauma? • Allergic to commitment? • Sex addict? • Attachment wounds?

Many perspectives pathologize polyamory or see it through a lens of mononormative culture. Mono-normative AKA Mollie, you can’t just make up words! • Mono-normative means that the dominant culture in the US is currently monogamous, it is the norm. Finding “The One.” • This permeates into everything, the way we talk to our children, the expectations about how they will date, the way we pay our taxes, the way we write our laws. • It also means that for people who are not following the monogamous path, there is not a an established, sanctioned script how to have successful relationships. Primer on Privilege

“Privilege is not: About you. Privilege is not your fault. Privilege is not anything you’ve done, or thought, or said. It may have allowed you to do, or think, or say things, but it’s not those things, and it’s not because of those things. Privilege is not about taking advantage, or cheating, although privilege may make this easier. Privilege is not negated. I can’t balance my white privilege against my female disadvantage and come out neutral. Privilege is not something you can be exempt from by having had a difficult life. Privilege is not inherently bad. Privilege is: About how society accommodates you. It’s about advantages you have that you think are normal. It’s about you being normal, and others being the deviation from normal. It’s about fate dealing from the bottom of the deck on your behalf.” https://solopoly.net/2013/02/05/couple-privilege-having-it-doesnt-necessarily-make-you-an-asshole-but-it- can/?fbclid=IwAR1zA8PidbuFYGsOHERAlRMxpsM6fWIfoq-4Od_U5FaJp1OMtti64GoxNFk Couple Privilege

“The presumption that socially sanctioned pair-bond relationships involving only two people (such as marriage, long-term boyfriend/girlfriend, or other forms of conventional intimate/life partnerships) are inherently more important, “real” and valid than other types of intimate, romantic or sexual relationships.”

https://solopoly.net/2013/02/05/couple-privilege-having-it-doesnt-necessarily-make-you-an-asshole-but-it- can/?fbclid=IwAR1zA8PidbuFYGsOHERAlRMxpsM6fWIfoq-4Od_U5FaJp1OMtti64GoxNFk Visual Representation of polycules

• AKA: how therapists keep track of clients’ relationships • https://polycul.es/create • Genograms

Poly vs polyam?

•There has been movement in the polymorous community to move away from poly towards polyam, out of respect for the Polynesian communities, who also use the abbreviation of poly. A few examples of relationship styles Mollie-isms on polyamory

• Opportunity isn’t obligation. • Love is infinite, time is not. • The success of a relationship is not determined by its length. • The people in the relationship are more important than the relationship. • Communicate, communicate, communicate. Then do it some more. • Gcal is your best friend. • Your platonic support network is at least as important as your romantic one. Sampling of Poly-specific words

• Partner: could be romantic, could be platonic. Person that is important to someone’s world, they make decisions considering the impact is has on them. • Metamour (meta): partner of my partner. • Polycule: the interconnected web of people who are partnered or dating in some form. • Compersion: the feeling of taking joy in the joy that others you love share among themselves, especially taking joy in the knowledge that your beloveds are expressing their love for one another. • Fluid-bonded: people who do not use barriers when having sex, often indicates a level of trust and commitment to each other. • New Relationship Energy (NRE): excitement and discovery that occurs during this time as opposed to old relationship energy that is part of a more settled, stable, comfortable time in the relationship. Sampling of Poly-specific words

• Relationship Escalator: the societal expectation that people increase in commitment in escalating ways such as dating, living together, marriage and/or children. • Triad: three people in relationship with each other, may be closed, may date outside the triad • Quad: four people in relationship with each other, may be closed, may date outside the quad. Can initially start as two couples dating each other. • Kitchen-table poly: where all the people in the polycule hang out socially and casually such as dinner together Sampling of Poly-specific words

• Hierarchy: the idea that there is levels of importance in relationships, and this importance is expressed in ways such as time together, traveling together, using barriers during sex as examples. Often valuing primaries or anchors above all else. • Solo-poly: A person is their own primary and does not date in hierarchical ways. • Comet: Romantic or sexual partner whom someone sees infrequently • Primary, nesting or anchor partner: Partner who has highest level of commitment with, often cohabitates with. • Unicorn-hunter: New to poly, hetero man/bi woman couple seeking “hot bi babe” to hook up with, seen so often in poly culture it is a trope. Alternative relationship structures

• Platonic life partners: non-sexual, long-term, committed relationships • Several parents for a single child. Additional parents adopting children to be legally connected to child. • Married partners purposefully not cohabitating • Polycules purchasing homes together Managing Jealousy

• There is no research to support poly folks experiencing jealousy at a lower rate than the general population. • Is this jealousy or envy? • Do I have an un-met need that this is triggering? • It is unethical to suggest to client “stop being polyamorous” as a solution to jealous feelings. Managing Jealousy

• Helping with transitions (good byes and hellos) as well as communicating at an agreed-upon rate to maintain connection can ease jealous feelings. • Questions to address with client: how secure and safe do you feel in this relationship? • NRE is rough for all involved. • DBT skills are great for this! Distress tolerance, distraction, self soothing. BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN??? My perspective (and experience): • Poly families have more adults around, more supports, more opportunities for rest for the care givers. More adults = more income potentially into the home, giving opportunities for some adults to be full-time care-givers. • There is no current research indicating that polyamory is harmful to children. • Dr. Elisabeth Sheff is investigating how polyamory impacts children. https://elisabethsheff.com/about/ Working with Teens

• Will you share a mono-normative perspective? “I like them both and I can’t decide, but like, I have to, right?”

• Regardless what you say you will be sharing your bias and either reinforcing a mono-normative lens or allowing for other potential relationship models. • My take: When they ask me a direct question making it obvious that want clear direction, I will respond with an echoing statement, neither reinforcing nor suggesting either perspective. This reflection however, is likely not what they are used to getting and may come across as suggesting open relationship models, so be aware it may trigger further questions from the teen client. • Discuss consent and the value in honesty. How to Treat Non-Primary Partners Well

• From: https://solopoly.net/2012/11/27/non-primary-partners-tell-how-to-treat-us- well/?fbclid=IwAR0QNhRwV4TCjSsSxNd_pkNGuurSPuWqyvI6YaOTO75DTRdi5EP wUmNIoh4 Do

• Honor time commitments and dates.

• Listen to, validate, and be flexible toward your non-primary partner’s needs and concerns.

• Make your non-primary relationship a priority.

• Offer reassurance and understanding.

• Embrace your non-primary partner’s world.

• Keep your promises.

• Support good metamour relations. Do

• Invite non-primary partners into negotiations and decisions that affect them.

• Clarify your boundaries and commitments BEFORE you begin a new relationship.

• Fully disclose your constraints, agreements and boundaries.

• Expect to be surprised by your own emotional reactions.

• Trust what your non-primary partner says about their relationship goals.

• Speak up about fairness toward non-primary partners.

• Assume good intentions. Don’t • Don’t bail at the first bump. • Don’t violate agreements. • Don’t conflate “fairness” with “equality.” • Don’t default to playing the go-between. • Don’t foster competition or conflict among your partners. • Don’t pretend the dynamic of your existing relationship(s) will not change. • Don’t make it more complicated than it needs to be. Working with Couples/Relationships

• The way you describe your practice will inform the potential clients of the work you do. • Couples counseling vs relationships work? • Intake paperwork inclusive? • Are you aware of the language of the orientation you use (EFT, PACT Gottman ect) and the way reinforce mono-normative culture? • What is your personal comfort with working with more than two people in the relationship? Scenarios

I have gotten permission from actual real live poly people (not my clients past, present or future) to share situations they have processed with their therapists (or would like to). "I want to marry my boyfriend, but I don't know how that works, exactly, when I'm the hinge of a V with my husband already, and I'm not sure either of them is quite up for what that means, whatever it does"? "I'm pondering how to come out to my parents without that leaking to my husband's parents, because he's not down with his evangelical Christian parents knowing about that side of us?" “I am a stay at home dad, and I see my girlfriend often during the day as she is a stay at home mom. My girlfriend's kid has started calling me "daddy" and is ignoring her own dad at home.” “My therapist started saying oh you could have a boyfriend for this and the boyfriend for that and this thing in that thing what do you think five is the right number for you? And it took me a while to put my finger on what bothered me so much but she seems to be turning the idea into something very transactional. It seemed like maybe she couldn’t understand how a person could be polyamorous and want deep and full authentic relationships, so when I mentioned enjoying different past times with different partners I think she was excited to “finally understand”, only she totally didn’t. I think she really does now.” “I'm seeing two people who are primary partners. I date them individually and we have threesomes sometimes. I worry about making each person feel important and not just an extension of their partner.” “My metamour is always cold and refusing to talk to me at social events. I have tried to talk to her 1:1, but is hasn’t changed things. I am frustrated because I want to be able to hang out with her socially with our shared partner.” “I wish my (former) therapist didn't think that my partner was trying to leave her husband. I attempted to explain polyamory to him, but I'm not sure he got it. My partner is still with her husband and me.” Books and References • More Than Two* • Opening Up • Ethical Slut • Polyamory: Roadmaps for the Clueless and Hopeful • Love in Abundance: A Counselor’s Guide on Open Relationships • Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator • The Passionate Marriage (not specifically poly, but the focus on differentiation is a great fit for poly folks)

• *One of the authors of More than Two is a problematic person in the poly community, though the other author does not wish for people to stop buying or suggesting the book as it will have negative impact on her life as well. Online Resources

• https://poly.land/ Blog about polamory

• https://solopoly.net/ Blog about solo polyamory

• https://kimchicuddles.com/ Comic about polyamory and relationships

• https://www.autostraddle.com/tag/poly-pocket/ Great podcast

• https://www.ncsfreedom.org/ National Coalition For Sexual Freedom

• https://www.lovingmorenonprofit.org/ Polymory non profit and resource guide