CHRISTIANITYChristianity & hosted by QueerTheology.com an online course & POLYAMORY 1 UNIT 2 WORKBOOK Unit 2 Workbook Christianity & Polyamory Unit 2: Nuts & Bolts

What are some personal/relational areas you’d like to work on by yourself?

What are some personal/relational areas you’d like to work on with your partner?

Here are some tools and resources that may help: Structuring Your Relationship

Different Models of Open Relationships “The Good Roommate Standard” from Poly.Land The Basics of Boundaries from Multiamory Polyamory and Boundaries from Poly.Land

Time Management

Are shared calendars enough? from Poly Weekly Polyamory Time Management from More Than Two CHRISTIANITY & POLYAMORY 2 UNIT 2 WORKBOOK Metamours

Polyamory Life Hack: Gracious Partners and Metamours from Poly.Land Meeting Your Metamours from Multiamory How to Treat Your Metamour from Polyamory Weekly

Communication

Introduction to Nonviolent Communication Accountability Talk When Things Go Wrong from Poly.Land Relationship RADAR from Multiamory Yes / No / Maybe Lists from Scarleteen, Poly Notes, Autostraddle

Jealousy & Other Uncomfortable Feelings

Unexpected Benefits of Jealousy is a Choice Good vs Bad Feelings 7 Tips for Dealing With Uncomfortable Feelings

Book Recommendations

The Ethical Slut Opening Up Sex at Dawn Nonviolent Communication Mating In Captivity

CHRISTIANITY & POLYAMORY 3 UNIT 2 WORKBOOK Different Models of Open Relationships

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell

In a Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell , both partners explicitly agree to have an open sexual and/or emotional relationship and also agree to not tell or ask each other about their outside relationships and activities. The idea is that you should never know that your partner is having these experiences.

The idea is, usually, that thinking about your partner having other relationships or hooking up with other people triggers jealousy or other uncomfortable feelings and so the proposed solution is to try to avoid those feelings by avoiding ever knowing, explicitly, what your partner is up to sexually or romantically.

This model has a few drawbacks though.

It necessitates dishonesty: If you’re catching up with your boyfriend about what you’ve been up to while he’s out of town on a work trip, you’ll necessarily have to gloss over how you spent some of your time if it involved hooking up. You might say “I spent the night in” which might be technically true, but you could be leaving out that you had someone over.

If your asks you do something and you already have plans with a date or hookup, you’ll either have to lie about your reasons for saying no or abruptly cancel your plans.

Your imagination is almost always scarier than reality: Your partner could be seeing multiple people every day — or could have seen no one in months or years — and you’d never know the difference. More importantly, you can never know what anything means because you’re not talking about it. It’s easy to fall down a rabbit hole of “my boyfriend is seeing all these people, they’re more attractive than me, the sex is better, he likes them more than me and he’s going to leave me for one of them.” When, if you could just talk with him, you might find out that no matter who he’s seeing or how many people he’s fucking or whether he’s

CHRISTIANITY & POLYAMORY 4 UNIT 2 WORKBOOK even someone — that he still you and cares about you and is committed to your relationship.

Folks who have been cheated on often say the deception is equally as painful as the actual act. “I thought I knew this person but it turns out that I don’t.” Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell arrangements scribble out important details in your partner’s life and let your anxious imagination fill in the details.

It cuts you off from all of the good that can come from open relationships (that’s why you’re doing this after all: to make your life better, fuller. It shouldn’t all be about managing pain). You partner might bring new energy or ideas into your relationship — which will make what you two have even more fulfilling and exciting — but only if you make space for it.

Sexually Open, Emotionally Monogamous

This model of relationship eliminates many of the drawbacks of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” while still attempting to put enough controls on the situation to minimize uncomfortable feelings and get a sensez of security and stability.

In this model, you and your partner decide to have a sexually open relationship — and you’re ok talking about those relationships, in fact you may even want to hear about them… whether to help keep your anxiety at bay or because it actively excites. However, you decide that it has to be “just sex” … you can fuck, but you can’t date. Some couples extend this by placing certain restrictions around what’s allowed (for instance “no repeats.” “only together,” or “no sleepovers”)

It’s good that you’re making space to share about your outside experiences … in my experience working with friends & clients, folks find that open communication helps with trust, security, and ultimately fulfillment.

A major drawback to this is that, practically speaking, it’s difficult to maintain over time. You can’t decide how you feel about someone. Yes, it’s possible that you and your partner will never develop an emotional or romantic attraction to someone you’re sleeping with … but you can’t guarantee it. You can’t control it. That’s just not how it works. And, often,

CHRISTIANITY & POLYAMORY 5 UNIT 2 WORKBOOK placing something off-limits only makes it that much more appealing.

So, if you’re going to have a sexually open, emotionally monogamous relationship, you’ll need to figure out what to do when feelings arise. Does the person end it? What if she doesn’t want to? What if they’re in denial about the level of emotions involved? Do you leave her over it then? Thinking through what you’d do if an emotional connection developed (and being intensely honest about your likely reactions) before you move forward is going to make things much easier. Or you might decide another model works better for you.

Hierarchical

In this model of open relationships, some relationships are ranked higher than others. Some folks use labels like “primary partner, secondary partner, and even tertiary partner”

For other folks, it’s “the couple” and everyone else… the one boyfriend// partner always comes first, above all others. Everyone else is just a friend, a buddy, a hookup, a friend with benefits, a fuckbuddy.

There’s some real benefits to this model. For one, it’s very clear about who everyone is in your life, what they mean to you, and where they stand. It’s, perhaps, easier to manage expectations when you know that the person you’re dating has a primary partner and only limited time and emotional bandwidth for you. It’s not going to be a surprise if someone turns down your booty call because they’re going to their partner’s law school graduation. It might come as a surprise if someone who you think you’re dating cancels a long-planned theater date because his wife has a cold.

However, you can still run into problems. With a hierarchical model of polyamory, the labels are often prescriptive rather than descriptive. You run into trouble when you say “This person is and will always be my primary partner, that person is and can only ever be my secondary partner.”

As we’ve explored with Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell and Sexually Open, Emotionally Monogamous relationship models… humans are complex and sometimes

CHRISTIANITY & POLYAMORY 6 UNIT 2 WORKBOOK our feelings and desires evolve over time. The random hookup might become a repeat play partner who might become a casual fling who might become someone you have real, deep, on-going feelings for. If you’re in a monogamous relationship right now, that might feel scary… “This is why we can’t open up at all! You can’t control it!” you might say. But can you really control your feelings and desires in ? A co-worker can become a happy hour buddy can become an can become a . Monogamy claims to offer safety and security, but it’s only an illusion — how many monogamous dating relationships do you know that have ended (a lot!).

Open or poly relationships don’t have to be scary — in fact, they can provide more safety and reassurance. When you’re able to talk openly about your feelings and desires and the various friend and sexual and romantic and somewhere in between relationships that you have, everyone is armed with more information and can make more thoughtful decisions.

But if you’re using a hierarchical model of open relationships to try to control those feelings and desires… you may be disappointed.

Veto

A “veto” arrangement can be present in different types of open and polyamorous relationships and is where one (or more) of your partners has the power to “veto” certain aspects of your other relationships — or other people entirely. They might “veto” the date you’ve had planned because they had a bad day at work, or veto your plans to take a weekend trip together because it makes them uncomfortable, or veto you seeing the person at all because they get a bad vibe.

Relationships with “Veto” options are inherently hierarchical in that some partners have veto power over others. You can have this type of relationship in a more polyamorous setup where dating and emotions are involved or in an “open” relationship, where the emphasis is more on sex and hooking up.

This model of open relationship is often used in attempt to protect an existing, core relationship. If anything jeopardizes that — or is thought to jeopardize or might jeopardize that — one of the partners can veto it.

CHRISTIANITY & POLYAMORY 7 UNIT 2 WORKBOOK A problem with this approach, though, is what happens in the aftermath of a veto. If you or your partner — or both of you — veto a date or an activity and the other person doesn’t understand why (or otherwise disagrees with your decision), it can be a source of major pain. If this happens repeatedly, it’s easy for bitterness and distrust to build up.

The consequences are even more severe when a person is being vetoed. How would you feel if your partner said that a person you enjoy spending time with and care about is now off limits… you could never see him again. That’s a recipe for a whole lot of heartache. And now you’re faced with the choice: do you aprubtly end this relationship that you don’t want to end? Do you openly ignore your partner’s veto? Do you see them secretly? then what?

Boundaries- and Agreements-Focused

I’m using this description to cover a range of ways folks structure their open or polyamorous relationships that don’t fit neatly into one of the more common categories.

This model emphasizes boundaries and agreements rather than rules and rigid structures. It’s based on open communication, consent, and trust rather than control.

This way of structuring a relationship can work for a person, couple, or polypod who are polymorous and also for an open relationship where there is still a core couple or where you’re looking for more casual encounters. Boundaries and agreements regularly come into play in other arrangements like nonhieracrhical, solo poly, and relationship anarchy. You can use this model for polyamory

In a boundaries- and agreements-focused open relationship, each partner gets clear on what they’re looking for and, importantly, what their boundaries are. From there, you work together to find ways of relating with the goal being that everyone wins, everyone feels good. Not that there won’t be some growing pains along the way, not that you’ll never feel uncomfortable, but rather that you’re working together toward a common, consensual goal, rather than begrudgingly making trade-offs.

CHRISTIANITY & POLYAMORY 8 UNIT 2 WORKBOOK Some examples of boundaries, agreements, and requests are: • For me to feel safe in my own home, it’s important to me know if someone else will be in my house • I will only have condomless sex with someone if they are not having condomless sex with other people (or they’re doing it with people who I am also not using condoms with) • I’m always excited to hear about your dates or hookups, but you’re never obligated to tell me • We have a standing date night every Tuesday and will respect each other’s time by giving as much notice as we can if we want or need to cancel or reschedule In this model, you don’t try to box in emotions or setup rules that are then asking to be broken. Instead of setting yourself up for conflict, you set yourself up for communication and collaboration. You share what you’re up to, what you’re feeling and needing, and what your hopes, desires, frustrations, and anxieties are.

This requires time, attention, and effort. You will probably be uncomfortable at times. But, in my experience and the experience of my friends and folks I’ve worked with, this model leads to less stress overall and a greater sense of commitment and shared purpose — because you’re working together rather than policing each other’s thoughts and actions.

Solo Poly

Psychology Today describes solo polyamory as, “a fluid category that covers a range of relationships, from the youthful ‘free agent’ or recent divorcee who might want to ‘settle down’ some day but for now wants to play the field with casual, brief, no-strings-attached connections, to the seasoned ‘solo poly’ who has deeply committed, intimate, and lasting relationships with one or more people. Some solo polys have relationships that they consider emotionally primary, but not primary in a logistical, rank, or rules- based sense, and others don’t want the kinds of expectations and limitations that come with a primary romantic/sexual relationship.”

CHRISTIANITY & POLYAMORY 9 UNIT 2 WORKBOOK “In many cases solo polys intend to remain ‘singleish’ indefinitely because they are strongly motivated by autonomy, value their freedom, and identify primarily as individuals rather than as parts of a multi-person unity. For others, circumstances (such as ending a primary relationship) converge so that a solo poly person is not in any romantic relationship at the moment, and yet maintains their polyamorous identity.”

CHRISTIANITY & POLYAMORY 10 UNIT 2 WORKBOOK 5 Tips for Dating Someone in an Open Relationship

When Peter and I opened up our relationship eight years ago, we were literally the only people that we knew in an open relationship. Today, “open relationship” has gone from mostly a joke status on Facebook to an increasingly common way to structure relationships. What that means, though, is that you’re more likely than ever to chat up someone already in a relationship.

Here are five tips that can help you navigate that process with a bit more ease.

Get clear on what you want. Are you looking for a casual, but ongoing, hookup, are you looking for a friends with benefits type situation, are you looking to date with sleepovers and an increasing level of commitment, do you wanna move in together, are you looking for kids, do you wanna get legally married?

You might not know everything up front, and what you want might change over time, but the more clarity that you can get on what it is that you want, the better able you will be to ask from him what is available.

If you need help figuring that out, I recommend things like therapy, journaling, talking to understanding and open-minded friends, and reading books that offer up a different perspective on relationships than what you have grown up hearing your whole life. The Ethical Slut, Sex at Dawn, Opening Up are great places to start.

Ask what your partner wants. They might not know, either, and, of course, what they want might change over time, as well. And, what they want hypothetically might be different than what they want with you. But, this is going to be an important starting point. What do y’all want?

Ask about how they structure their other relationship or relationships.

CHRISTIANITY & POLYAMORY 11 UNIT 2 WORKBOOK Do she have a primary partner, what does that mean to them? If she doesn’t have someone that she calls a primary partner, what is her level of commitment with her other relationships? Is there someone who has a veto power over other relationships if they feel uncomfortable? (Psst, that last one is a big red flag for me!)

Ask what’s available in really practical terms. might be abundant, but time and attention and bedrooms are not. Is there a limit to how much time he can spend with you? Is there a limit to how much time he wants to spend with you? Really press on this, because he might wanna spend three nights a week with his current boyfriend, and three nights a week with you, and three nights alone, but there are only seven days in a week, and not nine.

And, is there space? Emotional space, time in the week, space in an apartment, or a closet, or a ’s basement for what it is that you’re looking for out of this relationship?

Commit to a process of checking in. This isn’t gonna be a one-time thing. What you want after the first date, and the fifth date, and the 500th date are very likely to be different. Circumstances change and desires shift, and sometimes your needs, or his needs, or his other partner’s needs, or your other boyfriend’s needs, or the new guy he just started dating’s needs sneak up on you. You can bump into barriers that you didn’t know existed. So, keep the conversation going.

Sometimes it might seem like open or polyamorous relationships take more work, or involve more risk, and is it really worth it?

But, over the past years of being in an open relationship myself and in working with people in open and polyamorous relationships and in monogamous relationships to talk through all of their relationship woes, it seems to me that monogamous relationships take just as much work as polyamorous ones.

It’s really easy to get the message that when it comes to relationships you’re just supposed to know, or it’s just supposed to work, or, if you really love someone, you’ll figure it out. CHRISTIANITY & POLYAMORY 12 UNIT 2 WORKBOOK LGBTQ couples might be more likely than straight, cisgender couples to talk about the assumptions that go into their relationships, but we’re not immune from going into relationships with assumptions.

No matter what your relationship structure is, whether it’s open or polyamorous or monogamous, you’re going to benefit from getting clear on what it is that you want, need, and how you plan on moving forward in your relationship together.

Even in monogamous relationships, these assumptions are always there and it’s gonna be more helpful to you if you get clear on them and deal with them sooner rather than later.

Hopefully, when you’re dating non-monogamously, there’s an invitation for you to build a relationship that is exactly what is right for you because you deserve to be happy and fulfilled.

CHRISTIANITY & POLYAMORY 13 UNIT 2 WORKBOOK Intro to Nonviolent Communication Observe Without Judgement Whether it’s something small like leaving his hair in the shower drain, or something bigger like blowing off dinner with your to go drinking with his college buddies, or she’s messaging ladies on OkCupid while you’re home watching a movie together, or maybe you just don’t have sex as much as you used to, and that’s got you feeling kinda shitty. Sometimes when you’re in a relationship, your partner’s gonna do something and you’re gonna have some sort of reaction.

We all know that every relationship has it’s ups and it’s downs, but that doesn’t mean that we just have to lay there and take it.

If your partner does something that makes you feel some sorta way, what do you do? This is when I’m supposed to tell you that no one can make you feel something without your permission.

Which is true, no one makes you feel a certain way. Our feelings come from within us, and are ultimately our responsibility. But also, sometimes your partner does shit that has an impact on your life; that’s real too. So, then what do you do?

It can be so tempting to judge our partner and then try to fix them. Se did this because she doesn’t love me, or because they’re irresponsible, or because he has daddy issues, or because she’s never gonna marry me, or because he wants to leave me, or whatever.

I get it.

I’ve been practicing this stuff for over a decade and even still sometimes that’s where my head jumps to first, but we can’t know for sure what’s going on in someone else’s head, and we can’t force them to do something they don’t want to do.

When I was trained in non violent activism, one of the first guiding principles we learned was: assume best intentions.

CHRISTIANITY & POLYAMORY 14 UNIT 2 WORKBOOK Which is not to say that everyone actually has good intentions, but when you’re trying to work together with someone, towards something, especially that someone with whom you have a disagreement, assuming best intentions can be a good strategic starting point.

That also lines up with Marshall Rosenberg’s first step in nonviolent communication which is to observe without judgment.

What’s going on here? What actually happened? You can think through that in your head, or you can write it down in a journal, it’s helpful to start with phrases like,

• I saw, • I heard, • I remember.

It’s possible to talk about what you experienced someone else doing without judging them, even though it’s natural to roll them all up together.

“You let the flowers die because you don’t love me.”

“You don’t wanna have sex with me because all the guys on Grindr are hotter.”

My tip for you today though is to separate out what you observe happened from what you think it means, so just like…

• I saw there’s no water in the flower pot… • I’m noticing that we don’t have sex as much as we used to… • I see you are on OkCupid everyday… • I heard you talking to someone on the phone in the bathroom last night…

When you take some time to sort through what’s going on yourself before outwardly reacting, you’re taking the first step in making yourself feel better. By observing without judgment, you’re getting a little bit more clear about what’s actually going on, and clarity is sanity.

CHRISTIANITY & POLYAMORY 15 UNIT 2 WORKBOOK You’re also gonna set yourself up for having an easier time talking to your partner about what’s going on when the time is right.

Figure out your feelings

Really intense emotions are often portrayed in the media as sexy and desirable. That’s somewhat understandable: we want to feel something in a relationship! But really big feelings can get in the way of healthy communication if you’re not careful.

The second step in Nonviolent Communication is to figure out what you’re feeling. I want to share with you one of the NVC tools that I use most often: a list of feelings, like, an actual list of feelings.

It’s broken up into feelings when your needs are met, aka good feelings, and feelings when you have unmet needs, aka bad feelings. (more on “good” vs “bad” feelings here).

So this is what I do when something happens that’s got me feeling some kind of way or my boyfriend says something that pisses me off or he forgets about our date night or he’s getting hit on at the bar all night long and no one is talking to me…

I try to figure out what it is that I’m feeling, like exactly what I’m feeling. So, if I’m feeling bad, like what kind of bad angry, okay, why is that? Am I confused?

Or if I’m feeling jealous, what’s going on with that jealousy, is it because I’m lonely or insecure or horny or all of the above maybe.

The key is to get specific because the more specific that you can get, the more helpful that it will be for you.

Side note, you can also do this when you’re feeling a positive feeling, trying to figure it out if you’re content or excited or elated or surprised, is way more fun.

Now, just because you say “I feel” in front of something doesn’t mean that

CHRISTIANITY & POLYAMORY 16 UNIT 2 WORKBOOK it’s a feeling. “I feel like you are picking on me” is not a feeling. And, another note if you say “like” after “I feel” it’s also probably not a feeling. Sometimes, it can be a judgment, “I feel like you are setting me up to fail”, is a judgment or it might be a desire, “I feel like screaming”, means I want to scream or I wish I could scream, right?

This takes practice, there isn’t an iPhone app that tells us exactly how we’re feeling, like if only.

Sometimes I get stuck and when I get stuck I need to consult the actual physical list of feelings.

There is a list in Marshall Rosenberg’s book Nonviolent Communication and the Center for Nonviolent Communication has a list and I actually made my own, I pulled from both of those places and I dropped some stuff that felt outdated or irrelevant and I added some stuff in that I felt was missing because I mean HOW DO YOU HAVE A LIST OF FEELINGS WITHOUT HORNY ON IT?!? I mean come on! If you want this list you can find it at the end of this workbook.

Identify your needs

Once you’ve figured out what it is that you’re feeling the next step is to use that information to get clear on what it is that you need.

No one likes to be called needy when they’re in a relationship, but we all do have needs, and it’s important that you get what you need in your relationship.

So the trick is, once you’ve figured out exactly what you’re feeling, to use that feeling or those feelings to point the way towards your unmet needs and figure out how you can get those needs met. Distinction between a need and a want and a tactic

Needs are essential to being human. They’re the basic building blocks of

CHRISTIANITY & POLYAMORY 17 UNIT 2 WORKBOOK being alive, healthy, and thriving.

Things like food, water, shelter, community, independence. Also things like play, creativity, to be seen, to be understood, and on and on and on. They’re things that we all need.

A tactic, on the other hand, is something that we might do or ask others to do in order to get those needs met, and that will vary from person to person and even moment to moment.

So if you need food you could steal some. You could ask your neighbor for some. You could get a job to make money to go buy some.

If your need for intimacy isn’t being met, you might try and meet that by asking your boyfriend to buy you flowers, by playing a grinder-free movie night at home, by going out and getting a couple’s massage at a fancy spa.

A want is usually just a tactic framed in a different way.

So, “I want you to buy me flowers because I want to have my need for intimacy, warmth, trust, harmony met,” you know, things like that.

Whether those wants and tactics will actually get your needs met is of course another question entirely, so sometimes it takes a little bit of trial and error.

If you focus on the need rather than the want or the tactic, you’re ultimately going to be more successful, more satisfied.

Here’s why the distinction between needs and tactics are important:

Your partner might want to help you get your needs met in whatever is lacking, but they might not want to do the specific thing that you’re asking him, the tactic that you’ve narrowed in on to get that need met. In a relationship, compromise is important, and it’s also okay to be a little bit uncomfortable because, or for your partner sometimes. But you might find that you’re able to get your needs met even more effectively or your partner

CHRISTIANITY & POLYAMORY 18 UNIT 2 WORKBOOK will be even more excited about that or able to do it better if you focus on the needs and use that as an opportunity for some creative collaboration to figure this out together, by focusing on the needs and coming up together with the tactics to meet that.

This is an opportunity for collaboration rather than sort of competing agendas against each other.

Once you know what you need, the next step is to make a request of your partner to help you get those needs met.

Make a request

The final step is to put it all together: make a request to help get those needs met and address whatever it is that’s going on!

When you’re applying NVC in the context of your romantic/sexual relationships, this is asking your partner to do something for or with you. You’re asking for a tactic in getting your needs met

In fact, even asking someone else to help is a tactic. There are often ways to get your needs met all on your own — and that can be helpful for you to work on, too!

So...if you’re all up in your feelings in response to something specific with another person....

And you figured out what those feelings are...

And you know what you need....

Now it’s time to reach out to them.

Here’s how to do that in a nonviolent communication way: you share the findings of each of these steps with the person.

1. Share your observations of what happened. Work on sharing in a way that focuses on the reality of what happened

CHRISTIANITY & POLYAMORY 19 UNIT 2 WORKBOOK then on your subjective interpretation of intent. You can share how you felt in response (that’s the next step), but with NVC, the goal is to refrain from assingning blame or maknig a judgement about what went down.

2. Let your partner know how you feel. This is where you can connect what happened to how you’re feeling. When this happened, I felt this way. Sometimes, we feel a certain way in response to not just what happened but to what we imagine it means. Even if we don’t want to, sometimes we just can’t help it. When that happens, I turn to a phrase that I learned from Brene Brown: “the story I’m telling myself...”

When X happened I felt Y and that’s in part because the story I’m telling myself is Z.

That makes space for airing the judgements you were making about the situation rather than bottling them in a way that places the responsibility for them on you, rather than the other person. You don’t accuse them, rather you acknowledge your own internal, usually involuntary, voice. (this all creates space for them to own up to it, if that is in fact what’s happening)

3. Explain how that feeling is connected to a need. This is just sharing what you’ve already figured out by yourself: the feeling is pointing toward a need. At this point, it’s time to make a specific request: what do you want them to do?

4. Make a specific request Do you want to ask for some words of reassurance? Do you want to go on a date? Do you want them to plan something? Or share their feelings? Or ... whatever seems helpful in your context.

Asking for what you want might seem unromantic. We’ve been taught the myth that our partner is just supposed to know at all times exactly what we need and exactly what she should do.

How many times have you been in a relationship when you could really use some support and your partner is trying but not actually being helpful. Or on the flip side, when you want to help your partner but you just don’t know what to do!

CHRISTIANITY & POLYAMORY 20 UNIT 2 WORKBOOK There can be something really exciting — and sweet and romantic — about asking for specific support in getting your needs met and then your partner enthusistically doing that for you! If we’re trying to love our neighbor (or our partner) as ourself, we know what we would want, now we have to know what they want!

Getting exactly what you want and need from a partner who is lovingly and excitedly giving it is like having someone scratch that one spot that you can’t quite reach yourself. Ahhhh when you tell someone where The Spot is, it just feels so good!

If your partner does say no, perhaps you can ask for their reasoning so that you can understand them better. Or you could make a new request: would they be willing to help you come up with some ways they would be willing to help you fill that need?

(Alternatively, just because your partner asks you to do something to help me their needs, doesn’t mean you have to do it! If you want to support them but don’t want to or can’t do exactly what they asked, you can say that! And work together to come up with some ideas that work for everyone)

That’s the gist of it! Nonviolent communication has been so helpful for me and I hope it can be helpful for you. If you want to dive deeper, I can’t recommend Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg enough.

CHRISTIANITY & POLYAMORY 21 UNIT 2 WORKBOOK Unexpected Benefits of Jealousy

Watch on YouTube

One of the question I get asked over and over and over and over again is, “Don’t you ever get jealous?”

The easy answer that I’m tempted to give is just, “No.”

I love Peter and we’re committed to each other and I trust him. So, no, I don’t get jealous. But that’s not reallllly true. Sometimes I do get jealous.

And here’s the thing: that’s ok. In fact, jealousy can be a good thing

When I’m feeling jealous, I’m like “Oh hey! This is a signpost that points the way toward someplace where I can learn more about myself”

I can dig into that jealousy, follow it. Maybe I’m feeling lonely, or vulnerable, or insecure. Or horny

Then the question becomes, “how am I going to meet my own needs?”

Sometimes it’s as simple as noticing what I’m feeling and making peace with that Like, yeah I’m feeling lonely and that’s ok. Or I can call up a friend and have a movie night. Or I can have sexytime without Peter.

It’s tempting to just stop at jealousy:

I’M JEALOUS AND THIS IS AWFUL AND I DON’T DESERVE IT!

Instead, when I’m feeling jealous, I try my best to not stop there. I try to use it and follow it and see what I can learn about myself and how I can become more fully me. I don’t always live up to that, sometimes I sulk in my jealousy for longer than I should, but I really do try to follow it and use it as an ally.

(See also: Nonviolent Communication & Dealing With Uncomfortable Feelings)

CHRISTIANITY & POLYAMORY 22 UNIT 2 WORKBOOK Jealousy Is A Choice

Jealousy is a choice. That sickening, heart-stopping, hair-raising, kick- in-the-stomach flash of white hot emotion you feel? That might be an uncontrollable response but to stay jealous, to be jealous… that’s a choice.

Don’t choose it.

But don’t ignore it, either. Jealousy can often point the way to other feelings or unmet needs.

I get it, choosing not to be jealous is easier said than done.

Last night I went out dancing with this guy I’m seeing (let’s call him Joel), his boyfriend, and a few of their friends. I don’t get jealous at all seeing Joel and his boyfriend together because I have a clear understanding of that relationship. I “get it” and I get how I fit into it.

But as the night went on, I noticed that Joel has a connection with another of his friends too, and I got this twinge of jealousy. Because I don’t have a clear sense of their relationship and where or how I fit into it.

Immediately my mind went to “I wish that person wasn’t here, he’s just one more person that I have to share Joel with” and then “I wonder if Joel likes him more than me” and then to “I bet Joel finds him more attractive than me … in fact, he is more attractive than me.”

Yes, all of that happened in just a few seconds.

And then I took a breath. And I looked around the room at the gender-/ ethnic-/body size-/personal style-diverse crowd. And I took in the amazing music and the pulsing lights. And I chose contentment. I decided just for a moment to dance all by myself, just for myself, and to soak it all in. Then I chose to be grateful that I live in a vibrant city, that I got invited out to this fun evening. And then I chose to be happy for Joel.

Here’s this guy I like having a fun time dancing — and yes, making out — with someone that he shares a connection with. That’s a beautiful thing. And that

CHRISTIANITY & POLYAMORY 23 UNIT 2 WORKBOOK doesn’t take away from what Joel and I have. There was plenty of time for me to dance with Joel. And to meet some new friends. And even to dance with a .

So here’s my takeaway from last night:

I could’ve stopped at jealousy. I could’ve stewed in the uncertainty and allowed that to transform into hurt. I could’ve let it fester. But I didn’t.

I wasn’t quite ready to jump to compersion — the opposite of jealousy: taking pleasure in your partner’s pleasure — so I didn’t try. I made a pit stop at gratitude and then self-love and self-sufficiency. And then, after I filled myself up, I took the next step to be happy for Joel.

The whole process took me, maybe, 30 seconds. But I’ve had years of practice. In the beginning, it might’ve taken me a day to even realize I was jealous. And another day to be willing to do something about this.

Learning to recognize and productively deal with jealousy isn’t a skill that we’re born with. And there isn’t some simple trick you can learn to be an overnight expert. It takes practice.

So start today.

When you feel that flare of jealousy

1. Notice it 2. Name it 3. Use it to find unmet needs and/or to take a moment to practice gratitude for what you have 4. Meet your needs and take care of yourself 5. Let it go and choose a different feeling instead

CHRISTIANITY & POLYAMORY 24 UNIT 2 WORKBOOK Good vs Bad Feelings Watch on YouTube

When you ask someone how they’re doing, it seems like the answer you get in return is pretty much always “good,” “okay,” or “not so good,” which is just a polite way of saying bad.

We’ve collapsed the entire range of human feelings into good, indifferent, and bad. But is that helpful?

People often label feelings as good or bad. I’m sure you’ve heard your friends do this, and you may have even done it yourself without realizing it.

“Good” feelings are things like happy, excited, energized, full, content.

“Bad” feelings are things like angry, stressed, jealous, or tired.

But labeling feelings as good or bad can easily turn into thinking I should never feel those bad feelings, and can lead you to judge yourself for feeling those bad feelings or get angry at someone else for causing you to feel that way.

Here’s my take on feelings: There’s no such thing as a good or a bad feeling.

Which is not to say that we should want to feel every feeling. Or that we can’t want to change how we feel sometimes. I would much rather feel energized than tired, and excited rather than anxious. It’s just that sometimes we can’t control how we feel in an instant. Sometimes you just feel tired when you wake up. Or you feel anxious when your boss’s number pops up on the caller ID. Or you feel a kick in the gut of jealousy when you see your boyfriend talking to a cute guy at the bar.

Every feeling can teach us something about what we’re experiencing, and that in turn can give us important information to help us decide how to act. And those thoughtful, informed decisions can lead us to a life that is, well, good. CHRISTIANITY & POLYAMORY 25 UNIT 2 WORKBOOK It can be tempting to ignore your feelings, distract yourself with your phone, cover them up with delicious food, push them aside with porn, or numb them with drugs and alcohol. But my invitation to you is the next time you’re feeling something, whether it’s good or bad, just try to notice it and name it.

I find that getting specific can be helpful. So, jealous is more helpful than just saying bad. And feeling confused or isolated is even more specific than jealous. Here are some examples of feelings. Calm, giddy, envious, anxious, tired, fulfilled, surprised, confused, glad, ashamed, safe, thankful, numb, nervous, content, bored.

You can read more about that in the section on Nonviolent Communication and use the list of feelings at the end of this workbook to help you figure out what you’re feeling.

CHRISTIANITY & POLYAMORY 26 UNIT 2 WORKBOOK 7 Tips for Dealing With Uncomfortable Feelings

Figuring out how to cope with uncomfortable feelings in a healthy and productive way has taken me yearrrrs to figure out (and it’s still an imperfect practice).

Here are 7 of my go-to practices to help with that process:

Sit & Breathe The first thing is something that many of us learned in elementary school. And it can often be easier said than done. And that’s to just sit still and breathe. I know for me it can be tempting to jump right into problem solving mode, but to just like sit with myself and my thoughts for 30 seconds, 1 minute, 5 minutes, however long it takes to really get clear on how I’m feeling can be huge. It’s not always easy for me to figure out exactly what I’m feeling.

Consult a list of feelings So sometimes I have to consult an actual list of feelings. I put together a big ‘ol list of feelings (find one at the end of this workbook) and sometimes I have to like stare at this list of feelings and be like, do I feel excited, do I feel agitated, do I feel horny, do I feel isolated, do I feel lonely, what am I feeling? And looking at this big list of feelings can help me really get clear on that.

So if you don’t know what you’re feeling, you’re not alone. Or if you just like know that I feel bad or jealous or angry, like maybe there’s a more specific feeling. And looking at a list of feelings would be helpful to you to figure out what it is that you’re feeling.

Journal Another tool that I use use often when uncomfortable feelings come up is to journal. There’s no right way or wrong way to journal, just go grab a piece of paper or open up a Google doc or Evernote or whatever it is you use to write and just start writing.

CHRISTIANITY & POLYAMORY 27 UNIT 2 WORKBOOK It can be for a minute or 10 minutes or an hour if you’ve got a lot to say.

You can just free flow, you can go find a structured journal prompt and just get it out.

I know for me it’s really helpful to take all these thoughts and feelings that are rattling around in my head and get them out of my head and onto paper so I don’t have to be carrying them around with me. The process of journaling helps me get some clarity on what it is that I’m thinking and what it is that I’m feeling, what it is that I’m wanting.

Meditate I grew up Evangelical Christian and meditating was not something that I ever heard about. Or if I did, it was something that other people did far away.

Over the past 10 years or so I’ve been getting into a practice of mediation. Sometimes daily and sometimes very infrequently. But it’s been helpful for me and my life overall and in my relationships in particular and in dealing with uncomfortable feelings, even more specifically than that.

I find that having this sort of like formal structure of meditating can sometimes be easier to slip into than just sort of this general idea of sitting still or breathing. Which if meditation is not your thing, sitting still and breathing like I suggested in the first step is still totally helpful. But having a formal structure can be helpful.

It can also be helpful to practice meditating when things are not totally a mess. That way when life starts to fall apart you have the practice of doing that to fall back on.

If you haven’t meditated before, here are some of the books, articles, and resources that helped me get started:

• Insight Timer • Ruling Your World by Sakyong Mipham • The Wisdom of No Escape, When Things Fall Apart, and The Places That Scare You by Pema Chödrön

CHRISTIANITY & POLYAMORY 28 UNIT 2 WORKBOOK It can be simple as just sitting down, closing your eyes, counting your breath in and your breath out up to seven or up to 10 and then just starting over for 30 seconds, or for a minute, or three minutes, or 10 minutes. I usually do between five and 12 minutes.

Move your body The other day when I was really in the depths of it, those feelings, after I sat and meditated and after I journaled for a little bit, I then went and played tennis. And so that’s my next tip for you is to just move your body in some way. That could be a specific exercise like lifting weights or going for a run or even jumping ropes. It could be playing a sport like tennis, soccer, basketball, any sport that you enjoy.

It could be dancing, either a formal dance class or just blasting some music in your living room and dancing around can get your body moving, your heart pumping, the act of dancing can sort of take you outside of whatever it is you’re feeling for a little bit, but also help you connect to yourself in a really powerful way.

You can also just go for a walk. It doesn’t have to be this big event to move your body. Just go for a walk around the block or to the end of the driveway, just a short walk to get outside and get moving.

You could even do yoga or just some simple stretching to again get your body moving.

I find that moving your body helps you not turn off your feelings, but engage them in a different way.

Take a bath This tip is total cliché self care, and that’s to just take a bath. I don’t often do this, it’s not one of my go-to’s and so if it doesn’t resonate with you, set it aside. But maybe this will be at the top of your list. Fill up a bath, maybe you got some bubbles, maybe you got some essential oils, maybe you light a candle, maybe you don’t. Maybe you have a glass of wine in there also. But the hot water and the relaxing can just help you mellow out when you’re starting to feel overwhelmed with feelings.

CHRISTIANITY & POLYAMORY 29 UNIT 2 WORKBOOK Read a Book or Watch TV My last tip is last on the list because I think you should actually do it last after you’ve gone through one or two or more of these suggestions. It’s to read a book or watch a movie or a TV show.

I don’t start with this because it can be easy to use TV or movies in particular, sometimes even books, as a sort of a way to escape your feelings, not think about them, turn on the TV, your eyes zoom in and you just sort of zone out. And we don’t wanna be running away from our feelings, but sometimes you sat and you breathed for a little bit, you’ve done some intentional thinking, maybe you’ve journaled or you’ve meditated or you exercised and still those thoughts are rattling around in your head and you’re like I’ve thought all that I can think about this today, then maybe it’s time to pick up a book or turn on the TV and just sort of check out for a second.

It is okay to not constantly be consumed by your feelings all the times.

So if you’ve done all the processing you can do for the day or the morning or the evening, it is okay to turn to a bit of entertainment to unwind and find relief from those racing thoughts.

CHRISTIANITY & POLYAMORY 30 UNIT 2 WORKBOOK What are you feeling? When you’re feeling a certain way, it can be helpful to get clear and specific about how exactly you’re feeling. When you’re feeling “good,” knowing more precisely how you’re feeling can help you figure out what led to those feelings — so that you can do more of that! And when you’re feeling “bad,” it’s helpful to know exactly what type of “bad” you’re feeling so that you can take action to get the underlying unmet needs met. And hopefully feel a different sort of way.

Feelings when your needs are met absorbed clear-headed excited helpful overjoyed sensitive affectionate comfortable exhilarated hopeful overwhelmed spellbound alert composed expansive horny passionate splendid alive compassionated expectant inquisitive peaceful stimulated amazed confident fascinated inspired pleasant surprised amused content free interested pleased tender animated curious friendly intrigued proud thankful appreciative dazzled fulfilled invigorated quiet thrilled aroused delighted glad invovled radiant touched astonished ecastatic gleeful joyous, joyful refreshed tranquil blissful elated glowing loving relaxed trusting breathless enchanted glorious mellow revived upbeat calm encouraged grateful merry restored warm carefree energetic gratified moved satisfied wide-awake cheerful engrossed happy optimistic secure wonderful

Feelings when you have unmet needs afraid concerned edgy hurt numb suspicious aggravated confused embarassed impatient overwhelmed tepid agitated cool embittered indifferent panicky terrified alarmed cross enraged intense passive tired aloof dejected exasperated irate pessimistic troubled angry depressed exhausted irked puzzeled uncomfortable anguished despairing fatigued irritated reluctant uneasy annoyed despondent fearful isolated repelled unhappy anxious detached forlorn jealous resentful unnerved apathetic disaffected frightened jittery restless unsteady apprhensive disappointed frustrated lazy sad upset aroused discouraged furious leery scared uptight ashamed disgruntled gloomy latheragic sensitive vexed beat disgusted guilty listless shaky weary bewildered disheartened heavy lonely shocked wistful bitter dismayed helpless lost skeptical withdrawn blah displeased hesitant mad sleepy worried blue distressed hopeless miserable sorrowful bored disturbed horny mopey sorry brokenhearted downcasted horrible morose spiritless chagrined dread hostile mournful starteld cold dull hot nervous surprised