Christianity & Polyamory
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CHRISTIANITYChristianity & Polyamory hosted by QueerTheology.com an online course & POLYAMORY 1 UNIT 2 WORKBOOK Unit 2 Workbook Christianity & Polyamory Unit 2: Nuts & Bolts What are some personal/relational areas you’d like to work on by yourself? What are some personal/relational areas you’d like to work on with your partner? Here are some tools and resources that may help: Structuring Your Relationship Different Models of Open Relationships “The Good Roommate Standard” from Poly.Land The Basics of Boundaries from Multiamory Polyamory and Boundaries from Poly.Land Time Management Are shared calendars enough? from Poly Weekly Polyamory Time Management from More Than Two CHRISTIANITY & POLYAMORY 2 UNIT 2 WORKBOOK Metamours Polyamory Life Hack: Gracious Partners and Metamours from Poly.Land Meeting Your Metamours from Multiamory How to Treat Your Metamour from Polyamory Weekly Communication Introduction to Nonviolent Communication Accountability Talk When Things Go Wrong from Poly.Land Relationship RADAR from Multiamory Yes / No / Maybe Lists from Scarleteen, Poly Notes, Autostraddle Jealousy & Other Uncomfortable Feelings Unexpected Benefits of Jealousy Jealousy is a Choice Good vs Bad Feelings 7 Tips for Dealing With Uncomfortable Feelings Book Recommendations The Ethical Slut Opening Up Sex at Dawn Nonviolent Communication Mating In Captivity CHRISTIANITY & POLYAMORY 3 UNIT 2 WORKBOOK Different Models of Open Relationships Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell In a Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell open relationship, both partners explicitly agree to have an open sexual and/or emotional relationship and also agree to not tell or ask each other about their outside relationships and activities. The idea is that you should never know that your partner is having these experiences. The idea is, usually, that thinking about your partner having other relationships or hooking up with other people triggers jealousy or other uncomfortable feelings and so the proposed solution is to try to avoid those feelings by avoiding ever knowing, explicitly, what your partner is up to sexually or romantically. This model has a few drawbacks though. It necessitates dishonesty: If you’re catching up with your boyfriend about what you’ve been up to while he’s out of town on a work trip, you’ll necessarily have to gloss over how you spent some of your time if it involved hooking up. You might say “I spent the night in” which might be technically true, but you could be leaving out that you had someone over. If your girlfriend asks you do something and you already have plans with a date or hookup, you’ll either have to lie about your reasons for saying no or abruptly cancel your plans. Your imagination is almost always scarier than reality: Your partner could be seeing multiple people every day — or could have seen no one in months or years — and you’d never know the difference. More importantly, you can never know what anything means because you’re not talking about it. It’s easy to fall down a rabbit hole of “my boyfriend is seeing all these people, they’re more attractive than me, the sex is better, he likes them more than me and he’s going to leave me for one of them.” When, if you could just talk with him, you might find out that no matter who he’s seeing or how many people he’s fucking or whether he’s CHRISTIANITY & POLYAMORY 4 UNIT 2 WORKBOOK even dating someone — that he still loves you and cares about you and is committed to your relationship. Folks who have been cheated on often say the deception is equally as painful as the actual act. “I thought I knew this person but it turns out that I don’t.” Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell arrangements scribble out important details in your partner’s life and let your anxious imagination fill in the details. It cuts you off from all of the good that can come from open relationships (that’s why you’re doing this after all: to make your life better, fuller. It shouldn’t all be about managing pain). You partner might bring new energy or ideas into your relationship — which will make what you two have even more fulfilling and exciting — but only if you make space for it. Sexually Open, Emotionally Monogamous This model of relationship eliminates many of the drawbacks of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” while still attempting to put enough controls on the situation to minimize uncomfortable feelings and get a sensez of security and stability. In this model, you and your partner decide to have a sexually open relationship — and you’re ok talking about those relationships, in fact you may even want to hear about them… whether to help keep your anxiety at bay or because it actively excites. However, you decide that it has to be “just sex” … you can fuck, but you can’t date. Some couples extend this by placing certain restrictions around what’s allowed (for instance “no repeats.” “only together,” or “no sleepovers”) It’s good that you’re making space to share about your outside experiences … in my experience working with friends & clients, folks find that open communication helps with trust, security, and ultimately fulfillment. A major drawback to this is that, practically speaking, it’s difficult to maintain over time. You can’t decide how you feel about someone. Yes, it’s possible that you and your partner will never develop an emotional or romantic attraction to someone you’re sleeping with … but you can’t guarantee it. You can’t control it. That’s just not how it works. And, often, CHRISTIANITY & POLYAMORY 5 UNIT 2 WORKBOOK placing something off-limits only makes it that much more appealing. So, if you’re going to have a sexually open, emotionally monogamous relationship, you’ll need to figure out what to do when feelings arise. Does the person end it? What if she doesn’t want to? What if they’re in denial about the level of emotions involved? Do you leave her over it then? Thinking through what you’d do if an emotional connection developed (and being intensely honest about your likely reactions) before you move forward is going to make things much easier. Or you might decide another model works better for you. Hierarchical In this model of open relationships, some relationships are ranked higher than others. Some folks use labels like “primary partner, secondary partner, and even tertiary partner” For other folks, it’s “the couple” and everyone else… the one boyfriend/wife/ partner always comes first, above all others. Everyone else is just a friend, a buddy, a hookup, a friend with benefits, a fuckbuddy. There’s some real benefits to this model. For one, it’s very clear about who everyone is in your life, what they mean to you, and where they stand. It’s, perhaps, easier to manage expectations when you know that the person you’re dating has a primary partner and only limited time and emotional bandwidth for you. It’s not going to be a surprise if someone turns down your booty call because they’re going to their partner’s law school graduation. It might come as a surprise if someone who you think you’re dating cancels a long-planned theater date because his wife has a cold. However, you can still run into problems. With a hierarchical model of polyamory, the labels are often prescriptive rather than descriptive. You run into trouble when you say “This person is and will always be my primary partner, that person is and can only ever be my secondary partner.” As we’ve explored with Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell and Sexually Open, Emotionally Monogamous relationship models… humans are complex and sometimes CHRISTIANITY & POLYAMORY 6 UNIT 2 WORKBOOK our feelings and desires evolve over time. The random hookup might become a repeat play partner who might become a casual fling who might become someone you have real, deep, on-going feelings for. If you’re in a monogamous relationship right now, that might feel scary… “This is why we can’t open up at all! You can’t control it!” you might say. But can you really control your feelings and desires in monogamy? A co-worker can become a happy hour buddy can become an affair can become a divorce. Monogamy claims to offer safety and security, but it’s only an illusion — how many monogamous dating relationships do you know that have ended (a lot!). Open or poly relationships don’t have to be scary — in fact, they can provide more safety and reassurance. When you’re able to talk openly about your feelings and desires and the various friend and sexual and romantic and somewhere in between relationships that you have, everyone is armed with more information and can make more thoughtful decisions. But if you’re using a hierarchical model of open relationships to try to control those feelings and desires… you may be disappointed. Veto A “veto” arrangement can be present in different types of open and polyamorous relationships and is where one (or more) of your partners has the power to “veto” certain aspects of your other relationships — or other people entirely. They might “veto” the date you’ve had planned because they had a bad day at work, or veto your plans to take a weekend trip together because it makes them uncomfortable, or veto you seeing the person at all because they get a bad vibe. Relationships with “Veto” options are inherently hierarchical in that some partners have veto power over others.