MOM Facts! Internet Resources Mixed-orientation marriages are often just Mixed-Orientation Marriage called MOMs. Pathways to Success O https://mixedorientation.com Mixed-Orientation There is a tremendous need for positive sup- port for couples in mixed-orientation marriages. Making Mixed-orientation Marriages An ever increasing number of gay, lesbian, and Marriages Work bisexual husbands and wives, many of whom https://mmomw.groups.io/g/main have been married for decades, are deciding to come out of the closet, or their previously se- Alternate Path Help for wives cret sexuality is discovered. It is essential these of gay/bi Men https://groups.io/g/AlternatePath couples have a positive support system with role models and pathways for success. HOW - Husbands Out To Wives O https://how-support.org/ Mixed-orientation marriages are not just for heterosexuals. They come in every relationship combination imaginable. It is not uncommon for Printed Resources one partner to be gay or lesbian with attraction Opening Up: A Guide to Creating to only their same gender partner while their bi- and Sustaining Open Relationships sexual partner lives with attraction to more than by Tristan Taormino one gender. Many of their issues are similar to those in a heterosexual mixed-orientation mar- Stepping Off the Relationship Es- riage. calator: Uncommon Love and Life O by Amy Gahran Mixed-orientation marriages may include varia- tions in gender identity. Husbands or wives who Bisexual & Gay Husbands: are gender fluid or transgender have many of Their Words, Their Stories the same challenges in maintaining a loving re- by Fritz Klein and Thomas R Schwartz lationship with the person they love, especially Married Women Who Love Women when the gender variations emerge later in the by Carren Strock Transcending relationship. O Boundaries Statistics on the number of mixed-orientation couples in the US have been difficult to quan- guide to tify, but estimates from various researchers range from a low of under a million to as many Mixed-Orientation as three million - perhaps even more. Precise Marriages numbers are hard to come by due to issues with self-identification and secrecy surrounding by same sex attraction within heterosexual mar- Mark Rheault riages. http://www.transcendingboundaries.org/ © Transcending Boundaries, Inc. 2012- 2021 http://www.transcendingboundaries.org/ A mixed-orientation marriage most commonly • Acceptance of the non-heterosexual partners sex- presents itself as a marriage where one partner What happens to mixed-orientation uality. is either bisexual, gay or lesbian and the other • Work out a way for the bi/gay/lesbian and straight relationships after discovery or partner to fulfill their emotional and sexual needs. is heterosexual. Mixed-orientation marriages disclosure? often contain complex relationship dynamics • Both spouses’ needs should be part of the solution. There is no doubt there are many challenges when Your goal is to find mutual happiness. but can be fabulous marriages. ones sexuality does not match their partners. Typi- • Be kind to each other. cally there are several possible outcomes which in- clude: Pathways to success Secrets, Discovery and Disclo- Finding ways to fulfill sexual needs is one of the • Immediate separation or divorce sure. most challenging yet important aspects of a mixed- • Periods of struggle with several possible outcomes The evolution of a mixed-orientation marriage orientation marriage. becomes more complicated the further into the • A period of struggle ending in separation and divorce. relationship the couple becomes aware of dif- One common solution includes acceptance of the • A period of struggle that continues with variations in sexuality while maintaining a monoga- ferences in sexual attraction. Ideally the bisex- years of continuing struggle. mous marriage. There are often variations to what ual discussion should happen closer to the first • A period of struggle that progresses to a a monogamous marriage means. For example, ac- date but sometimes this occurs much later in vibrant wonderful relationship. ceptance of same sex pornography might be con- the relationship perhaps after discovery of gay • Immediate acceptance of the bisexual partner. sidered an acceptable outlet. Other couples intro- While immediate acceptance seems to be the ideal porn after 15 years of marriage or the “I am bi- duce role playing and toys. Other bisexual spouses many mixed-orientation marriages go through a pe- sexual” talk after 30 years of marriage. In any simply want a chance to be with other bisexual, gay, riod of struggle as the dynamics of the new relation- case the relationship dynamics are changed or lesbian friends. This is the birds of a feather or ship are worked out. Ideally they progress to a solu- and a process needs to be gone through where “me too” and “I understand” that we all crave. the relationship is reinvented to reflect the two tion that leaves everyone happy with the outcome and a renewed enthusiasm for a wonderful future partners variations in sexual orientations. Vol- Other couples look at some sort of open marriage, together. untary disclosure or discovery also has an ef- perhaps with a friend with benefits or a partner. fect on trust issues which often must also be Some couples prefer to compartmentalize the dif- resolved. fering sexualities while others integrate the other person into the couple’s day to day lives and two How does one end up in a mixed- becomes three. Some very successful poly relation- orientation relationship without ships and families are created because of the com- knowing it? plex needs of bisexuals attracted to more than one What are some strategies for a gender. These are just some of the viable solutions and each couple needs to work out the best solu- Due to strong religious and social pressures successful mixed-orientation mar- tion. there is a societal bias towards a marriage be- riage? tween a heterosexual man and a woman. Many • Approach the situation as friends and partners. bisexuals are raised that there is no acceptable • Brush up on communication skills. Create a Pro Mixed-orientation alternative to a heterosexual marriage. Some- • Allow for lots of time. A good marriage is worth a Marriage Support Network. times bisexual, gay and lesbian individuals sim- few years of hard work to ensure future decades of Mixed-orientation marriages that succeed do so of­ ply fall in love with a heterosexual and may not success. ten because the couple approached the challenges realize the importance of their other attractions. • Understand there will be periods of forward pro- as best friends and partners with a we can do this gress and an occasional step back for adjustments Bisexuals who marry heterosexuals without pri- attitude . While it is true not every mixed-orientation of emotional attitudes with our intellectual attitudes. marriage is destined to survive, at the end of the or disclosure usually honestly believe they can • Accept that progress will often be measured in day every couple should at least be able to say they put their other sexual needs aside. This often baby steps. gave it their best effort. A counselor experienced in is true for a while but for some it later becomes • Have some sort of support network, either coun- mixed-orientation marriages or a mixed-orientation obvious that these attractions are more impor- seling or a support group. success oriented support group can go a long ways tant part of their life than once thought. towards helping find those pathways to success.