MOM Facts! Internet Resources Mixed orientation marriages are often just called M i x e d Mixed Orientation Marriages MOMs. and Living Fabulous http://livingfabulous.org/mor/ O O r i e n tat i o n There is a tremendous need for positive support for Making Mixed Orientation couples in mixed orientation marriages. An ever in- Marriages Work http://groups.yahoo.com/group/MMOMW/ a r r i a g e s creasing number of gay, lesbian, and bisexual hus- M bands and wives, many of whom have been married Men Married to Lesbians for decades, are deciding to come out of the closet, http://groups.yahoo.com/group/MMTL/ or their previously secret same sex attraction is be- ing discovered. It is essential these couples have a AlternatePath Help for wives positive support system with role models and path- of gay/bi Men ways for success. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/alternatepath/ O Printed Resources Mixed orientation marriages are not just for hetero- sexuals. They come in every relationship combina- Opening Up: A Guide to Creating tion imaginable. It is not uncommon for one part- and Sustaining Open Relationships ner to be gay or lesbian with attraction to only their by Tristan Taormino same gender partner while their bisexual partner lives with attraction to more than one gender. Many Sexual Biversity of their issues are similar to those in a heterosexual Loving my bisexual husband by Lyndal Coon mixed orientation marriage. O Bisexual & Gay Husbands: Their Words, Their Stories Mixed orientation marriages may include variations by Fritz Klein and Thomas R Schwartz in gender identity. Men and woman who are gender fluid or transgender have many of the same chal- Married Women Who Love Women Transcending by Carren Strock lenges in maintaining a loving relationship with the person they love, especially when the gender varia- Boundaries tions emerge later in the relationship. guide to O Mixed Orientation Statistics on the number of mixed orientation cou- ples in the US have been difficult to quantify, but Marriages estimates from various researchers range from a low of under a million to as many as three million - per- by haps even more. Precise numbers are hard to come by due to issues with self-identification and secrecy Mark Rheault surrounding same sex attraction within heterosexual http://www.transcendingboundaries.org/ marriages. © Transcending Boundaries, Inc. 2012 http://www.transcendingboundaries.org/ A mixed orientation marriage most commonly pre- cally there are several possible outcomes which in- • Work out a way for the bi/gay/lesbian partner to sents itself as a marriage where one partner is ei- clude: fulfill their same sex needs. ther bisexual, gay or lesbian and the other is hetero- • Immediate separation or divorce • Both spouses’ needs should be part of the solution. Your goal is to find mutual happiness. sexual. Mixed orientation marriages often contain • Periods of struggle with several possible outcomes • Be kind to each other. complex relationship dynamics but can be fabulous • A period of struggle ending in separation and divorce. marriages. • A period of struggle that continues with Pathways to success years of continuing struggle. Finding ways to fulfill same sex needs is one of the Secrets, Discovery and Disclosure. • A period of struggle that progresses to a most challenging yet important aspects of a mixed The evolution of a mixed orientation marriage be- vibrant wonderful relationship. orientation marriage. comes more complicated the further into the rela- • Immediate acceptance of the bisexual partner. tionship the couple becomes aware of the same sex One common solution includes acceptance of same While immediate acceptance seems to be the ideal attraction. Ideally the bisexual discussion should sex attraction while maintaining a monogamous mar- the reality is most mixed orientation marriages go happen closer to the first date but sometimes occurs riage. There are often variations to what a monoga- through a period of struggle as the dynamics of the much later in the relationship perhaps after discov- mous marriage means. For example, acceptance of new relationship are worked out. Ideally they pro- ery of gay porn after 15 years of marriage or the “I same sex pornography might be considered an accept- gress to a solution that leaves everyone happy with am bisexual” talk after 30 years of marriage. In all able outlet. Other couples introduce role playing and the outcome and a renewed enthusiasm for a won- cases the relationship dynamics are changed and a toys. Other bisexual spouses simply want a chance to derful future together. process needs to be gone through where the relation- be with other bisexual, gay, or lesbian friends. This is ship is reinvented to reflect the two partners varia- the birds of a feather or “me too” and “I understand” tions in sexual orientations. Voluntary disclosure or that we all crave. discovery also has an effect on trust issues which often must also be resolved. Other couples look at some sort of open marriage, perhaps with a friend with benefits or a partner. Some How does one end up in a mixed orienta- couples prefer to compartmentalize the gay side and maintain two separate worlds, while others integrate tion relationship without knowing it? the other person into the couple’s day to day lives Due to strong religious and social pressures there and two becomes three. Some very successful poly is a societal bias towards a traditional marriage be- relationships and families are created because of the tween a heterosexual man and a woman. Many bi- complex needs of bisexuals attracted to more than one sexuals are raised that there is no acceptable alterna- What are some strategies for a success- gender. These are just some of the viable solutions tive to traditional heterosexual marriage. Sometimes ful mixed orientation marriage? and each couple needs to work out the best solution. bisexual, gay and lesbian individuals simply fall in • Approach the situation as friends and partners. love with a heterosexual and may not realize the im- • Brush up on communication skills. Create a Pro Mixed Orientation portance of their same sex attraction. Bisexuals who • Allow for lots of time. A good marriage is worth a Marriage Support Network. marry heterosexuals without prior disclosure usually few years of hard work to ensure future decades of Mixed orientation marriages that succeed do so of­ honestly believe they can put their same sex needs success. ten because the couple approached the challenges as aside. This often is true for a while but for some it • Understand there will be periods of forward pro- best friends and partners with a we can do this at- later becomes obvious that same sex attraction is a gress and an occasional step back for adjustments titude . While it is true not every mixed orientation more important part of their life than once thought. of emotional attitudes with our intellectual attitudes. • Accept that progress will often be measured in marriage is destined to survive, at the end of the day every couple should at least be able to say they gave What happens to mixed orientation rela- baby steps. • Have some sort of support network, either coun- it their best effort. A counselor experienced in mixed tionships after discovery or disclosure? seling or a support group. orientation marriages or a mixed orientation success There is no doubt there are many challenges when • Acceptance of the non-heterosexual partners sex- oriented support group can go a long ways towards ones sexuality does not match their partners. Typi- uality. helping find those pathways to success.