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Running Head: STRAIGHT SPOUSE COPING AND HEALING 1 Coping and Healing for the Straight Spouse and Children of a Mixed-Orientation Marriage A Research Paper Presented to The Faculty of the Adler Graduate School __________________________________________________________________________ In Partial Fulfillment of the Requirements for The Degree of Master of Arts in Adlerian Counseling and Psychotherapy _____________________________________________________________________________ By: Barbara H. Nagell October 2011 STRAIGHT SPOUSE COPING AND HEALING 2 TABLE OF CONTENTS Acknowledgements……………………………………………………………………………… 4 Abstract………………………………………………………………………………………….. 5 Introduction and Statement of Purpose……………………………………….…………………. 6 Assumptions and Limitations……………………………………………………………………. 7 The Spouse Who “Comes Out”…………………………………………….……………………..7 Who Are They? …………………………………………………………………………. 8 Motivations for Marriage………………………………………………………………..10 Disclosure to the Straight Spouse…………………………………………………..……11 Summary Statement.………………………………………………………..……………11 Disclosure Impact………………………………………………………………………..………12 Impact for the Straight Spouse………………………………………..…………………12 Impact for the Children………………………………………………….…….…..….…16 Impact for the Marriage……………………………………………….………………... 17 Summary Statement.……………………………………………………..……………...20 Coping and Healing……………………………………………………………..………………21 Hindrances to Coping and Healing…………………………………………..………….21 Non-Therapeutic Options for Coping and Healing……………….………………..…....23 Therapeutic Options for Coping and Healing……………………………..…………….24 Summary Statement……………………………………………………….……………..30 An Adlerian Perspective ………………………………………………………………...………30 One Straight Spouse‟s Story ……………………………………...……………………..31 Help for Sara………………………………………………..………………...………….33 STRAIGHT SPOUSE COPING AND HEALING 3 Summary Statements and Concluding Thoughts………………………………….……………. 39 References………………………………………………………………………………………..45 STRAIGHT SPOUSE COPING AND HEALING 4 Acknowledgements There are several people who have made this project and my time at Adler Graduate School possible. I‟ve wondered how have put up with me these past few months as I worried and obsessed over this paper. (But I‟m very grateful that you did.) If I listed all of you, I‟d no doubt forget someone I sincerely love and appreciate. So, let this suffice as the short list: Miriam Pew who helped me find my way to Adler Graduate School; my children, Zoe Byrnes and Peter Nagell; my terrific and encouraging friends Carolyn Bye, Luann Svendsen and Leslie McDougall; and my partner, Jim McCleary. STRAIGHT SPOUSE COPING AND HEALING 5 Abstract This researcher sought to understand what happens to a straight spouse, the children, and the marriage when a mate reveals same-sex or bisexual attraction. For straight spouses and their children, the disclosure process is often traumatic and painful, and brings major change in all aspects of family life. Along with this change comes the potential for mental health consequences for all family members. The helping profession has been slow to understand and acknowledge this population. Additional education in issues related to gay, lesbian, bisexual and mixed-orientation families, along with well-grounded therapeutic choices will help therapists better serve and meet the needs of 21st Century families. Keywords: straight spouse, mixed-orientation marriage, bisexual marriage STRAIGHT SPOUSE COPING AND HEALING 6 Coping and Healing for the Straight Spouse and Children of a Mixed-Orientation Marriage This researcher sought information from more than 20 peer-reviewed journals to better understand three aspects of the straight spouse/homosexual or bisexual marital relationship: the gay or bisexual spouse who “comes-out” to his or her family, the impact on the straight spouse and the children following the coming out process, and how the straight spouse and children heal following this disclosure. Investigations regarding the gay or bisexual spouse included understanding the motivations for why gay or bisexual individuals marry, and the later reasons they reveal same-sex attraction. Understanding the emotional impact on the spouse, the children and the marriage were also considered. The third component of this investigation sought to understand what helps and hinders a healing process for the spouse, the children, and the marriage. To obtain peer-reviewed articles, keyword searches were conducted for the years between 1985-2011 using the online databases PsycINFO, ProQuest, Google Scholar, and Questia. Using the criteria of “full text” and “peer-reviewed journal”, database searches using keyword combinations such as, “straight spouse” AND “gay spouse”; “wives of gay husbands” OR “wives of bisexual husbands”; “husbands of lesbian wives” OR “husbands of bisexual wives”; “straight spouse AND depression”; “grief AND “straight spouse”; codependency AND “straight spouse”; and finally, therapy AND “mixed-orientation marriage” were utilized. Initially, more than 50 articles were found. Ultimately, of the selected journal sources, only two included empirical studies. A major source for data in some of the articles originated from content analysis of more than 10,000 postings from the Straight Support Network (SSN) (Buxton, 2006b). Additional research in the remaining articles was based on qualitative data from transcribed interviews, material from two literature reviews pertaining to mixed orientation STRAIGHT SPOUSE COPING AND HEALING 7 marriages, a retrospective examination of hospital records, and peer reviewed articles on topics relevant to the key search terms and the primary research question which was, “What are the best treatment options for working with a grieving spouse when a partner reveals him or herself to be homosexual or bisexual?” Subsequent research following the initial literature review utilized numerous published books, Internet resources, telephone conversations with research authors, and informal conversations during attendance at two meetings of the Minneapolis Minnesota Straight Spouse Network support group. Assumptions and Limitations As an affluent, well-educated, Caucasian middle class female, this researcher acknowledges findings and conclusions that may be perceived as a biased contextual frame of reference. Data related to values-related discussions or studies concerning gay, lesbian and bisexual issues and marriage was not included. Nor was there in-depth consideration regarding the complexities of gender preference and gender identity formation; therapeutic options for the individual gay or bisexual male or female during the coming out process; transgender issues; discussions of the distinctive sub-groups within the LGBT population; or in-depth consideration of homosexuality and bisexuality in any specific cultural, ethnic, socio-economic or religious contexts beyond the United States and a Caucasian, middle-class contextual framework. The Spouse Who Comes Out The first component of this study was the lesbian, gay, or bisexual (LGB) partner in what was previously believed to be a heterosexual relationship between a male and a female. This LGB individual could be either male or female, and self-described as homosexual, which is desiring, or having sexual relations with members of the same sex. If the individual is bisexual, they are attracted to, or engage in sex with members of both the opposite and same sex (Corley & Kort, 2006). The areas of focus in this first component included information about the gay or STRAIGHT SPOUSE COPING AND HEALING 8 bisexual individual, either male or female, who marries, and later decides to “come out”, which is to reveal their same-sex attraction during their marriage (Taylor, 1999). Who Are They? Studies attempting to accurately number lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) persons in the United States are subjective at best because sexual preference and sexual identity is a complex issue reliant on the individual‟s personal inclination to reveal sexual attraction to members of the same sex, their identification with their biological male or female gender, and their own self labeling (Taylor, 1999). “LGBT” is also considered a “catchall” term, with each letter of this seemingly straightforward acronym representing distinct populations defined by a variety of unique family, community, geographic, educational, age, race, ethnicity and socioeconomic factors. What are not addressed in this acronym are people on the “outskirts” of this catchall phrase; outwardly heterosexual males or females experimenting with same-sex behaviors who do not identify as gay or bisexual. Regardless of the subjectivity of the “actual” number of LGBT individuals, it is estimated there are more than 2,000,000 heterosexual men and women who have once been, or are currently in, what is termed a "mixed-orientation marriage"(MOM), where one partner is either lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender (Buxton, 2006a; Buxton, 2006b; Buxton 2006c; Higgins, 2006). Additional, and potentially more provocative statistics released in 2011 from the Centers for Disease Control estimates gay men to be 4% of the U.S. population, but with an approximate 7% of the population of U.S. males engaging in sex with other men (MSM) (Olson, 2011c). Another recent study in New York City cites even higher numbers, finding that nearly 10% of married men had experiences sex with another man in the previous year (Olson, 2011c). These numbers of supposedly heterosexual partners who engage in same-sex relationships while they STRAIGHT SPOUSE COPING AND HEALING 9 are
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