Choices in Relationships an Introduction to Marriage, Family, and Diversity 1 Copy, Not May Your Choices Reflect Your Hopes, Donot Your Fears
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distribute or Chesnot/Getty Images Europe post, Choices in Relationships An Introduction to Marriage, Family, and Diversity 1 copy, not May your choices reflect your hopes, Donot your fears. —Nelson Mandela Copyright ©2021 by SAGE Publications, Inc. This work may not be reproduced or distributed in any form or by any means without express written permission of the publisher. 2 CHOICES IN RELATIONSHIPS Learning Objectives 1.1. Review facts about a “choices” view of relationships and various influences on those “choices” 1.2. Describe the theoretical frameworks for studying marriage and the family 1.3. Identify the elements, benefits, and types of marriage relationships 1.4. Understand the definition and types of family 1.5. Explain the distinction between marriage and family 1.6. Summarize the research process and its caveats 1.7. Identify changes in marriage and the family in the future With all the swiping and talk Making the right choices in your relationships, Master the content at edge.sagepub.com/knox13e of Tinder, “friends with ben- including marriage and family, is critical to your health, happiness, and sense of well-being. Your efits,” and cohabitation, one times of greatest elation and sadness will be in refer- wonders why a text and course about marriage and the ence to your love relationships. family? Are marriage and family done for? No. All polls The central theme ofdistribute this text is choices in and surveys provide essentially the same finding—that relationships. Although we will make over 100 rela- most individuals seek a marital and family context for tionship decisions, among the most important are whether to marry,or whom to marry, when to marry, their adult lifestyle (James-Kangal et al., 2018). whether to have children, whether to remain emo- The reason? Marriage and family are the contexts of tionally and sexually faithful to one’s partner, and sustained emotional connections. Thus, this text focuses whether to protect oneself from sexually transmit- ted infections and unwanted pregnancy. Though on human connections and relationship choices. Few structural and cultural influences are operative, experiences are more important. It is something all of a choices framework emphasizes that individuals us have in common—the search for meaningful love post,have some control over their relationship destiny connections which result from deliberate, thoughtful, by making deliberate choices to initiate, nurture, or considered choices in one’s relationships. Many of terminate intimate relationships. these intense and sustained love relationships end up in marriage and having a family—the bedrock of society. All Facts About Choices in individuals were born into a family—however one defines Relationships this concept—and most will end up in a family of their own. copy, The facts to keep in mind when making relationship “Have a happy marriage” remains the top value reported choices include the following: by 13,119 undergraduates with 44% selecting this value, 32% choosing “have career I love,” and 21% opting for “have Not to Decide Is to Decide financial security” (Hallnot & Knox, 2019). In this chapter we Not making a decision is a decision by default. If review the definitions, types, and frameworks for viewing you are sexually active and decide not to use a con- marriage and the family. We begin with the principle dom, you have made a decision to increase your risk for an unwanted pregnancy and possibly con- framework for this text—choices in relationships. Do tracting a sexually transmitted infection (STI). If you don’t make a deliberate choice to end a rela- tionship that is unfulfilling or going nowhere, you CHOICES IN have made a choice to continue that relationship and eliminate the possibility of getting into a more RELATIONSHIPS— positive and flourishing relationship. If you don’t VIEW OF THE TEXT make a decision to be faithful to your partner, you have made a decision to be vulnerable to cheating. Whatever your relationship goal, in this text we See the Personal Choices section for more exam- encourage a proactive approach of taking charge ples of taking charge of your life by making delib- of your life and making wise relationship choices. erate choices. Copyright ©2021 by SAGE Publications, Inc. This work may not be reproduced or distributed in any form or by any means without express written permission of the publisher. CHAPTER 1 Choices IN Relationships 3 and an upside. If you decide to hook up with some- one, you may enjoy the sexual excitement, but you may feel regretful in the morning and decide that the night will not result in a relationship. If you decide to marry, you will give up your freedom to pursue other emotional or sexual relationships or both. But, your marriage may result in a stable lifetime of shared memories. Any partner that you select will also have char- acteristics that must be viewed as a trade-off. One woman noted of her partner, “he doesn’t do text mes- saging or e-mail. he doesn’t even know how to turn on a computer. But he knows how to build a house, Relationships thrive on unique experiences like sharing the plant a garden, and fix a car. and he loves me. sunset together. Courtesy of Trevor Werb trade-offs I’m willing to make.” Some Choices Require Correction If your feet don’t move, you’ll never get there. Ann Marie Antenucci, Some of our choices, although they seem correct at recalling the words of her immigrant grandmother the time that we make them, turn out to be disasters. Once we realize that a choice has consistently nega- tive consequences,distribute it is important to stop defending Action Must Follow a Choice it, make new choices, and move forward. Otherwise, Making a decision but not acting on it is tantamount we remain consistently locked into continued nega- to no decision at all. You must pull the trigger. If you tive outcomes for a “bad” choice. The analogy is that decide to only have safe sex, you must buy condoms, no matteror how far you have gone down the wrong have them available, and use them. road, you can always turn back. Choices Involve Trade-Offs It all depends on how we look at things, and not on how By making one choice, you relinquish others. Every they are in themselves. Carl G. Jung, psychoanalyst relationship choice you make will have a downsidepost, PERSONAL CHOICES Relationshipcopy, Choices—Deliberately or by Default? It is a myth that you can avoid making relationship If you do not make a decision to delay having decisions, because by default, not making a decision intercourse, you have made a decision to have is a decision. Some examples follow: intercourse early in a relationship. Research suggests less regret with delaying the first If younot don’t make a decision to pursue a intercourse (Farvid & Braun, 2017). relationship with a particular person, you have If you are sexually active and do not make a made a decision (by default) not to have a decision to use birth control or a condom, you relationship with that person. have made a decision to expose yourself to Do If you do not decide to do the things that are getting pregnant or to contracting an STI. necessary to improve your current relationship, Throughout the text, as we discuss various you have made a decision to let the relationship relationship choices, consider that you automatically slowly disintegrate. make a choice by being inactive—that not to make If you do not make a decision to be faithful to a choice is to make one. We encourage a proactive your partner, you have made a decision to be style whereby you make deliberate relationship open to situations and relationships which may choices. ● result in infidelity. Copyright ©2021 by SAGE Publications, Inc. This work may not be reproduced or distributed in any form or by any means without express written permission of the publisher. 4 CHOICES IN RELATIONSHIPS TABLE 1.1 Five Generations in Recent History PERCENTAGE OF THE BORN MAJOR LIFE EVENTS HABITS U.S. POPULATION Traditionalists/Silent (1913-1945) Years of the Great Traditional values 10% Generation Depression, World War II veterans and civilians. Baby Boomers (1946-1964) Children of WWII Questioning of traditional 23% Traditionalists. values. Generation X (1965-1979) Generation of change, Children of boomers. 20% MTV, AIDS, diversity. Generation Y (1980-1996) Boomerang generation, Loyalty to corporations 23% (Millennials) delay marriage. is gone, frequent job changes. Generation Z (1997-2012) Grew up in context of Also known as Plurals, 24% terrorism. Skyrocketing App Generation, college costs. Homelanders, “Always on” Choices Include Selecting a Positive or a Choices of Generationdistribute Y Negative View Generations vary and social scientists study and As Thomas Edison progressed toward inventing the compare these cohorts, focusing on their habits and light bulb, he said, “I have not failed. I have found ten how they differ fromor previous generations (see Table thousand ways that won’t work.” 1.1). Much attention has been given to Generation In spite of an unfortunate event in your life, you Y, more commonly known as millennials, and their can choose to see the bright side. Regardless of your choices. Numbering about 80 million, they represent circumstances, you can opt for viewing a situation in 23% of the U.S. population. The choices of this positive terms. A partner breaking up with you due generation reveal a focus on enjoyment and flexibility. to lack of love can be viewed as an opportunity to Rather than fixating on marriage, they “hang out,” become involved in a new, mutual, love relationship. post,“hook up,” and live together.