A Guide to Grief the Grieving Process Grief Is Painful and at Times the Pain Seems Unbear- Denial Able

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Grief is a normal response to loss. The most painful loss is the death of a person you love, whether from a long illness, or an accident or an act of violence. This guide will help you understand the grief you and others may feel after a death, whether sudden or anticipated. We hope this guide will help you realize that these feelings are not unusual and things will get better. You are not alone.

A Guide to Grief The Grieving Process Grief is painful and at times the pain seems unbear- Denial able. It is a combination of many emotions that come Shock and denial are nature’s way of softening the and go, sometimes without warning. Grieving is the immediate blow of death. Denial can follow soon period during which we actively experience these after the initial shock. People may know their loved emotions. How long and how difficult the grieving one has died, but some part of them can’t yet accept period lasts depends on the relationship you had with the reality of the death. It is not uncommon to fanta- the person who has pasted away, the circumstances size that the deceased will walk through the door, as if of the death and the situation of the survivors. The nothing ever happened. Some people leave bedrooms length of time people grieve can be weeks, months and unchanged or make future plans as if the loved one even years. One thing is certain—grief does not fol- will participate. low a timetable, but it does ease over time. Anger Because grief is so painful, some people try to “get Anger is normal. It may be directed at the deceased over” a loss by ignoring the pain. Studies show that for leaving and causing a sense of abandonment; or when people don’t deal with the emotions of grief, the at the doctors and nurses, thinking they did not do pain does not go away; it remains with them, and can enough; or at the accused murderer, who violently resurface in unrecognizable and sometimes destructive took your loved one’s life. Anger may also be directed ways. Understanding the emotions of grief, its feel- at oneself for not saving the life of the loved one. It ing and symptoms are important steps in the healing can be a mild feeling or a raging irrational emotion. It process and helping others who may be grieving. can test one’s faith in religion or even in the goodness of life. The Feelings and Symptoms of Grief: Experts describe the process of grieving and the emo- Guilt tions in various ways. The most commonly described Few survivors escape some feeling of guilt and re- reactions are: shock, denial, anger, guilt, sadness, gret. “I should have done more” are words that haunt acceptance and growth. Some people experience the many people. Were angry words exchanged before the grieving process in this order. Most often, a person person died? So many things could have been done feels several of these emotions at the same time, per- differently “if only I had known.” Most people are haps in different degrees. very creative in finding reasons for guilt.

Shock Sadness If the death comes suddenly, as in an accident or mur- Sadness is the most inevitable emotion of grief. It is der, shock is often the first response people feel. Even normal to feel abandoned, alone and afraid. After the if the death is anticipated, there may be disbelief at its shock and denial have passed and the anger has been finality. A person may feel numb, or like a robot just exhausted, sadness and even hopelessness may set in. going through the motions of life while feeling very A person may have little energy to do even the sim- little. At the same time, physical symptoms, such as plest daily chores. Crying episodes may seem endless. confusion and loss of appetite, are common. Acceptance Feel the Pain Time alone will not heal grief. Acknowledging the Give into the pain. Give it precedence over other loss and experiencing the pain may free the survivor emotions and activities, because grief will get in the from a yearning to return to the past. Accepting life way later if it is ignored. Realize that grief has no without the lost loved one may give way to a new per- timetable; it is cyclical, so expect the emotions to spective about the future. Acceptance does not mean come and go for weeks, months or even years. While forgetting, but rather using the memories to create a a show of strength is admirable, it should not suppress new life without the loved one. Hoping for things to the need to express sadness, even when it comes out at be as they were may be replaced by a search for new unexpected times and places. relationships and new activities. Talk About Your Sorrow Growth Take the time to seek comfort from friends who will Grief is a chance for personal growth. For many listen. Let them know you need to talk about your people, it may eventually lead to renewed energy to loss. People will understand, although they may not invest in new activities and new relationships. Some know how to respond. If they change the subject, people seek meaning in their loss and get involved in explain that you need to share your memories and causes or projects that help others. express your sorrow.

Some people find a new compassion in themselves Forgive Yourself as a result of the pain they have suffered. They may Forgive yourself for all the things you believe you become more sensitive to others, thus enabling richer should have said or done. Also forgive yourself for relationships. Others find new strength and indepen- the anger, guilt and embarrassment you may have felt dence they never knew they had. After the loss, they while grieving. find new emotional resources that had not been appar- ent before. Eat Well and Exercise Grief is exhausting. To sustain your energy, be sure to The Experience of Grief: maintain a balanced diet. Exercise is also important in Grieving people have two choices: avoidance or sustaining energy. Find a routine that suits you, recognition. They can avoid the pain and all the other perhaps walking or biking with friends, or in emotions associated with their loss, hoping to forget. solitude. Clear your mind and refresh your body. This is a risky choice, since experience shows that grief, when ignored continues to cause pain. The other Indulge Yourself choice is to recognize grieving and seek healing and Take naps, read a good book, listen to your favorite growth. Getting over a loss is slow, hard work. In music, get a manicure, go to a ball game or just rent a order for growth to be possible, it is essential to allow movie. Do something that is frivolous, distracting and oneself to feel all the emotions that arise, as painful that you personally find comforting. as they may be and to treat oneself with patience and kindness. Prepare for Holidays and Anniversaries. Many people feel especially “blue” during these periods. The anniversary date of the death can be especially painful. Even if you think you’ve progressed, these dates may Helping Those in Grief: bring back some of your painful emotions. Make ar- You may know someone who has experienced a loss. rangements to be with friends and family members. Many of us feel awkward when someone dies, and Plan activities that give you an opportunity to mark don’t know what to do or say. The suggestions below the anniversary. are designed to help you help friends, family and co- workers who are grieving. Get Help Bereavement groups can help you recognize your Reach Out to the Grieving Person feelings and help put them in perspective. They can Show your interest and share your caring feelings. also help alleviate the feeling that you are alone. The Saying the wrong thing is better than saying nothing experience of sharing with others who are in a similar at all. At the same time, avoid clichés like “It was situations can be comforting and reassuring. Some- God’s will,” or “God never gives us more than we can times new friendships grow through these groups, handle” or “At least she isn’t suffering.” Do not say, even a whole new social network. you know how it feels. Do say, you are sorry and that you are available to listen. Be prepared for emotional There are specialized groups for widowed persons, for feelings yourself. A death generates questions and parents who have lost a child, for victims of drunken fears about our own mortality. drivers, etc. There are also groups that do not special- ize. Check with your local hospice or other bereave- Listen ment support groups for more information. Your greatest gift to a grieving person can be your willingness to listen. Ask about the deceased. Allow- If you find that you are in great distress or in long- ing the person to talk freely without fear of disapprov- term depression, individual or group therapy with a al helps to create healthy memories. It is an important grief counselor may be advisable. You can ask your part of healing. While you can’t resolve the grief, doctor for a referral. listening can help.

Take Active Steps to Create a New Life for Ask How You Can Help Yourself Taking over a simple task at home or at work for Give yourself as much time to grieve as you need. someone who is grieving is not only helpful, but it also Once you find new energy, begin to look for interest- offers reassurance that you care. Be specific in your ing things to do. Take courses, donate time to a cause offer to do something and then follow up with action. you support, meet new people or even find a new job. It is often tempting to try to replace the person who Remember Holidays and Anniversaries has been lost. Whether through adoption, remarriage, These can be a very difficult time for those who are in or other means, this form of reconciliation often does grief. Do not allow the person to be isolated. Re- not work. member to share your home, yourself or anything that may be of comfort. Many people discover that there is hope after death. It is possible to recover from grief with new strengths and a new direction. By acting on our grief, we may eventually find peace and purpose. Suggest Activities That You Can Do Together Walking, biking or other exercises can be an opportunity to talk, and a good source of energy for a tired body and mind.

Help the Grieving Person Find New Activities and Friends Include grieving people in your life. Grieving people may require some encouragement to get back into social situations. Be persistent, but try not to pressure them into participating before they are ready.

Pay Attention to Danger Signs Signs that the grieving person is in distress might include: weight loss, substance abuse, depression, prolonged sleep disorders, physical problems, talk about suicide and lack of personal hygiene.

If you observe these signs, it may mean the grieving person needs professional help. Community resources can also be helpful.

Death can be a painful and permanent loss experience, and one of the hardest from which to recover. Death takes away, but facing it and going through the grieving process can result in finding peace, new strength and purpose.

Hope l Information l Support

Funeral Homes and Services Offered Funeral Homes & Services Offered

Anderson Funeral Home Heady Arch L. & Son Funeral Home Kimberly Anderson, grief counselor Grief counseling not available 772-9276 896-8821 Price adjustment available Price adjustment based on circumstance

Bosse Funeral Home Highlands Funeral Home Grief counseling can be arranged Cindy Bryant, grief counselor 451-8440 (After Care and Star Program for children) Price adjustment available 451-4420 Price adjustment available Embry-Bosse Funeral Home Grief counseling not available Keenan’s Funeral Home 635-6371 Grief counseling not available Price adjustment based on circumstance 447 3824 Price adjustment not available Evergreen Funeral Home & Cemetery Grief counseling not available Kraft Funeral Service 366-1481 Referral for grief counseling Price adjustment not available 945-6321 Price adjustment based on circumstance Fairdale-McDaniel Funeral Home Grief counseling not available Maraman-Billings Funeral Home 361-1688 Referral for grief counseling Price adjustment not available 955-9771 Price adjustment available Fern Creek Funeral Home Gayle Anderson-Yates, grief counselor Mason George Funeral Home 499-1361 Fred Higgins, grief counselor Price adjustment available 587-1963 Price adjustment based on circumstance Foreman Funeral Home Nancy Stamper, grief counselor May R. G. & Sons Funeral Home 267-5461 Paul Williams, grief counselor Price adjustment not available 584-8042 Price adjustment based on circumstance Hardy Funeral Home Dignity Program (ask for 800 number) McFarland-Troutman Funeral Home 937-6400 Draw Bridges, grief counselor Price adjustment not available 955-7738 Price adjustment available Hathaway & Clark Funeral Home Grief counseling not available Meyer Herman & Son INC 778-7096 Grief counseling not available Price adjustment based on circumstance 458-9569 Price adjustment available Neurath Underwood & Brooks Resthaven Funeral Home & Memorial Park Grief counseling not available Referral to hotline number 957-5200 491-5950 Price adjustment available Price adjustment not available

Nunnelley Funeral Home Rodgers-Awkard Funeral Home Grief counseling not available Grief counseling not available 368-3396 584-3945 Price adjustment available Price adjustment available

Owen Funeral Home Russman & Son Funeral Directors Jeanine Nesbit, grief counselor, 447 7759 Referral to hotline number 447-2600 635-7426 Price adjustment available Price adjustment available

Person Funeral Homes Schmid Funeral Home Larry Robins, grief counselor Pamela Schmid, grief counselor 896-0349 955-7087 Price adjustment available Price adjustment available

Perryman’s Mortuary Schoppenhorst-Underwood & Brooks Grief counseling not available Funeral Home Director provides grief counseling 776-8600 957-5200 Price adjustment not available Price adjustment

Porter W. P. Mortuary Shumake W. T. & Daughters Funeral Home Bishop Donny Eddinsc, grief counselor Gail Graham, grief counselor 775-5555 458-6214 Price adjustment not available Price adjustment available

Potter A D & Sons Stoess Funeral Home Grief counseling not available Grief counseling not available 587-9678 241-9421 Price adjustment not available Price adjustment based on circumstance

Pyke-Calloway Funeral Service TIES Mortuary Services Referral for grief counseling Grief counseling not available 945-6655 451-7004 Price adjustment available Price adjustment not available

Ratterman Family Funeral Homes White O. D. Funeral Directors Referral to St. Matthews Ministries Coulter Marvel III, grief counselor 244-3305 637-4474 Price adjustment available Price adjustment available *homeless Veteran program Williams G. C. Funeral Home Cynthia Baker, grief counselor 772-3123 Price adjustment available

Other Services

Mortuary/ Embalming To Prepare Bodies to Send Overseas T.I.E.S. 1-800-370-5603

International Funeral Services Pyke R. D. Funeral services 1-800-447-7988

Embalming and Removal Services ACCORD Grief Recovery 458-0260

County Burial Metro Human Resources/Services 574-6262 Hope l Information l Support

Grief Support Groups Name: A Daughter’s Loss Name: Dixie Valley Ruth’s Ministry Location: Hillview Baptist Church Location: Dixie Valley Church of God 5319 Dixie Highway 4701 Quinn Drive Focus: Daughter’s who loss a parent Focus: Widows Contact: Genene Nisbet, Owen Funeral Contact: Donna Greer Home Phone Number: (502) 4480360 Phone Number: (502) 447-7759 Meeting Date: Monthly Meeting Date: Contact Owen Funeral Home for more information Name: Epiphany Grief Support Group Name: Compassionate Aids Reach Location: Epiphany Grief Support Group Endeavor (CARE) 7032 Southside Drive Location: Nazareth Home Focus: Adult bereaved persons 2000 Newburg Road Contact: June LeMaster Focus: Family/friends of AIDS Phone Number: (502) 368-9552 patients Meeting Date: 2nd and 4th Thursday of every Contact: N/A month at 7:00 p.m. - 8:30 p.m.

Phone Number: (502) 459-9681 Name: Living Through Grief Meeting Date: 1st Tuesday of each month at Location: Shively City Hall 7:30 p.m. 2120 Newburg Road Suite 200 Focus: Adult bereaved persons Name: Compassionate Friends of Contact: Contact Hospice of Louisville Louisville, Inc. for more information. Hospice Location: Cerebral Palsy School of of Louisville also offers Louisville various other groups for (address) children, younger widows and Focus: Parents, grandparents, and adult children who have lost a siblings parent. Contact: Joe or Jean Dent Phone Number: (502) 456-5451 Phone Number: (502) 491-7196 Meeting Date: Determine by appointment Meeting Date: Every 4th Thursday of each month. 4th Monday in August, Name: Men’s Breakfast December, and April Location: Sue’s Touch of Country 2605 Rockford Lane Name: Consoling Parents Focus: Genene Nisbet, Owen Funeral Location: First Lutheran Church Home 417 E. Broadway Phone Number: (502) 447-7759 Focus: Miscarriages Meeting Date: Third Monday of every month at Contact: Norton’s Chaplaincy Department 8:30 a.m. Phone Number: (502) 629-6514 Meeting Date: 2nd and 4th Tuesday night of every month Name: Now and Beyond Focus: Adult bereaved persons Location: Southwest Regional Library Contact: Eloise Saylor 5317 Dixie Highway Phone Number: (502) 368-7248 Focus: Widow/widowers Meeting Date: 1st Monday and 3rd Tuesday of Contact: Genene Nisbet, Owen Funeral every month, 6:30 p.m. - 8:00 Home p.m. Phone Number: (502) 447-7759 Meeting Date: Contact Owen Funeral Home for Name: SIDS more information Location: Government Center 810 Barrett Avenue Name: On With Life Focus: Parents, grandparents Location: St. Denis Parish Center Contact: Janie King 4205 Cane Run Road Phone Number: (502) 957-3076 Focus: Life after Death Meeting Date: 2nd Tuesday of every month at Contact: Center for Family Ministries 7:00 p.m. Phone Number: (502) 636-0296 Meeting Date: 3rd Tuesday of each month at Name: Survivors of Suicide 7:30 p.m. Location: St. Matthews Episcopal Church 330 N. Hubbards Lane Name: A Parent’s Grief Focus: Family, friends Location: Hillview Baptist Church Contact: Crisis and Information Center 5319 Dixie Highway Phone Number: (502) 589-4313 Focus: Bereaved Parents Meeting Date: 1st and 3rd Thursday of every Contact: Genene Nisbet, Owen Funeral month at 7:30 p.m. Home Phone Number: (502) 447-7759 Name: TRI-L Meeting Date: 1st and 3rd Monday of each Location: Christ Church United Methodist month at 6:30 p.m. 4614 Brownsboro Road Focus: Older widowers/widows Name: Passages Through Grief Contact: John Grey Location: St. Francis of Assisi Phone Number: (502) 897-6421 1938 Alfresco Place Meeting Date: Contact John Grey for more Focus: Adult grieving persons dealing information with all types of losses faced in life Name: Widow & Widowers Support Contact: Center for Family Ministries Groups Phone Number: (502) 636-0296 Location: Fairdale Chrstian Church, Life Meeting Date: Contact Center for Family Center , #102 Ministries for more information 9000 Brown Auston Fairdale Ky, 40118 Name: Shively Baptist Grief Support Focus: Widows/widowers Group Contact: Fairdale Christian Church Location: Shively Baptist Church Phone Number: (502) 368-1858 (Fireside Room) Meeting Date: 2nd Tuesday of month at 7:00 1599 Sadie Lane p.m. Name: Widow or Widowers (WOW) Location: Holy Family Catholic Church 3929 Poplar Level Road, Saffin Center (behind school) Focus: Widow or Widowers Contact: Center for Family Ministries Phone Number: (502) 636-0296 Meeting Date: New members: 3rd Tuesday of every month at 7:15 p.m. For new members and For Support group meeting 8:00 p.m.

Note: Support groups are subject to change. Please contact support groups before attending to confirm meeting date, time, and place.