volume 14 - issue 6 - tuesday, october 8, 2013 - uvm, burlington, vt uvm.edu/~watertwr - thewatertower.tumblr.com

by katjaritchie

Disclaimer: this article is 100% spoiler- casual beanie or baseball cap (or free, so if you haven’t yet seen the monu- maybe a Stetson in New Mexico’s mental !nale, fear not! (Unless you’ve been case) pretty much went out the by lynnkeating living under a fucking rock and haven’t window sometime around the watched through Season 3, which is your Kennedy administration, right? I strap on my sea-foam-green, latex own fault). Everyone’s favorite meth-empire Obviously, it became his signature medical gloves, preparing for this refriger- drama is full of action and suspense, but with the popularity of the show, ator biopsy. Rummaging through the cold, there are some hidden funnies here and but really, Walt: a black, felted fe- square box, I try to envision what I’ve been there that may have gotten lost along the dora/bowler bastard child doesn’t dreaming of all day long. What my body way. So, while we’re all drying our tears exactly scream “incognito”. desires sits in the deepest burrows of the from the !nale, here are my top ten one- Redstone dining hall. So I operate through liners, head-scratchers and running gags of 5) !e soccer-mom SUV this box, shoving and rearranging the con- the whole series. Walt goes through a slew tainers, digging deeper and deeper, trying of new whips in the last couple to reach for…. snickerdoodle cookies? 1) “Wipe down this!” seasons, and dammit if Jesse’s Since when did we have to be so ster- !is is in the very "rst episode, when red Toyota Tercel doesn’t hang in ile to choose our food? Walt gets his diagnosis and quits his sad there. However, for the majority !ese snickerdoodle cookies are car wash job. His asshole boss asks him of the series, our favorite meth- more than just your typical cookies. !ey to “wipe down” something car-related, making duo tools around in a are gluten-free. Yes, I have celiac disease, but Walt is having none of it. Viewers mint-green 2004 Pontiac Aztek diagnosed by a doctor. I am not trying to are then immediately turned on to the (the bulky “crossover” shape fa- be trendy, I promise. But when I was told unconventional premise of Breaking Bad vored by suburban moms looking there was a gluten-free section at the Uni- by watching an unfortunately musta- to extend gas mileage and hang versity of Vermont, I searched endlessly. chioed Bryan Cranston retaliate with this onto all that nice trunk space!). Unable to "nd this food-cult section, I scathing quip, while grabbing his old-man Also, can we talk about whatever "nally found my way around the Redstone crotch through his khakis. Burn. the fuck Skyler drives? An ar- dining hall, having to cross boundar- chaic, wood-paneled red Jeep? It’s ies, leaving my fellow peers to enter the 2) Marie loves purple quietly replaced with something world of the unknown, behind-the-scenes Homegirl fucking loves purple. She else normal and also red by the kitchen. wears it somewhere on her person in ev- "nale (spoiler!), though I never !is secretive feeding hole at the Uni- ery scene, and best believe Casa Schrader quite understood how Walt got versity of Vermont provides a variety of is decked out in shades of violet. In Season the sage-colored Pontiac while foods for all of the restrictions that people 3, when Hank comes home from the Skyler got sha$ed with the faux- have. From vegan mu#ns to peanut-free hospital and is bedridden a$er his brush wood siding. spreads, they do a good job of satisfying with the terrifying cartel hermanos, we see the majority of UVM’s dietary needs...I that even Hank and Marie’s bedroom is 6) Marie’s haircut, season 1 mean we do live in Vermont, everyone has a lavender fucking wonderland. Flowers, !e early seasons were an some type of peculiar eating preference, pillows, duvet, you name it. But the kicker awkward time. By the third right? is how it’s studiously avoided by the char- season, Marie rocks a windswept never, ever the answer. As shown by campaigns like “Eat Lo- acters. !ere’s no remark of “Wow, Aunt cut with face-framing brunette layers, but cal”, “Eat More Kale” and even VT’s origi- Marie, the living room sure is purple!” her "rst appearance is not so chic. !ere 7) Skyler’s “rebellion” = smoking nal “Ben and Jerry’s,” Vermonters clearly from Flynn one morning over pancakes. are brassy highlights that I’m sure she was love their homegrown, natural foods. !ey We’re just le$ to wonder whether we’re told were “caramel”. !ere is the awkward When your terminally ill husband starts going behind your back and you are proud of where they get their food, tripping balls every time Marie is which is why people here are extremely in the shot, and we never mention discover him to be a local drug kingpin, your teenage son has picky with what they put in their bodies. the giant purple elephant in the !e Burlington Farmer’s Market is a place room, either. cerebral palsy, and you’ve got a really, Walt: a black, felted fedora- “surprise” infant daughter in your where farmers and cra$smen can sell their food weekly. City Market even has created 3) “Jesus Christ, Marie, they’re bowler bastard child doesn’t exact- forties while money’s already tight, what is there to do besides go all a bicycle that makes a smoothie with your minerals.” ly scream ‘incognito.’ leg-power. Vermonters care how their food ‘Nu% said. !is line all but working-class Desperate House- wives? Let the men handle the im- is prepared. !is may help explain why we became Hank’s trademark in Sea- have to wear gloves in the dining hall. son 3. !ey’re not “rocks,” they’re miner- not-quite-bob, not-yet-shag length. !ere portant conversations, Skyler. Strike up an a%air with your boss, put Holly down for “My Zone” was created to keep these als, dammit, and we never did forget it. are bangs. For the love of god, the woman allergens from spreading, separating these has the squarest jaw of all time and there a nap and light another Marlboro in your silk bathrobe like a giant goddamn drama speci"c food-groups in the deep back cor- 4) Walter wanted a bad ass disguise...so are blunt bangs. Oh, sweetheart, we know ners and crannies of your local dining hall. he bought a fucking porkpie hat Marie’s got her angst, but let a sista tell queen. What’s the worst that can happen, But actually. Men in hats other than a you, an emotion-fueled trip to the salon is you’ll get lung canc—oh. Shit. ... read the rest on page 6 ... read the rest on page 8

paradise lost: redstone pope-ularity !annels are boring a true review by annahill by leonardbartenstein by katelynpine by andrewjuneau Dear Watertower, with jamiebeckett Help. I hesitate to confess the truth behind my call for your assistance, but with a month passed and responses from neither %e Cynic nor the UVM SGA, I come to you for sex advice. I don’t Parents Weekend: Hoards of parents $ocked to Burlington last know what happened, when, or how, but the last time I got laid the United States was still being weekend just in time to see all the pretty leaves turn in and make nobly lead by George W. Bush. Now, I don’t want to blame my dry streak entirely on the Obama this quaint little city glow. Church Street was a zoo and it was administration, but overlooking the correlation becomes more di#cult with each passing day. I impossible to eat anywhere without waiting an abusrd amount crossed my &ngers upon hearing that the federal government had shut down, in hopes that this of time. %e local economy was so stimulated some poor suckers event would somehow land me a sweet honey. It didn’t. thought it was snowing. Sincerely, Drunk bike riding: Why does my hip feel broken? Probably be- Help cause I thought it was a great idea to bike while very much in- toxicated. I might have gotten to the party faster if I knew where I was going, but insted I found myself lost on Shelburne Road, no idea how that happened. %e combination of bumpy roads, Dear Help, bright lights and compromised balance leads to road rash and ripped pants. Also did you know you can get a DUI when biking Fear not, we have used our superpower as writers to compile for you a montage of sex-themed hai- under the in$uence? %e more you know. kus. If these don’t inspire you to go out there and get some, we’re not quite sure what will. Check ‘em out on page 11. Hiding hickeys: If the &rst thing out of your parents mouth was “Who gave you that love bite?” then you were doing something Best of luck, right. How else do you convince your parents that you have been Eds productive since going to college? For those of us who would rather pretend that %irsty %ursday didn’t happen, you’re in Sometimes reading the water tower makes our readers want to get luck! Scarf weather is here. %at plus a bit of cover-up and none naked and #ght the power. But most of the time, they just send emails. will be the wiser. Unless that “friend” who happens to be coming Send your thoughts on anything in this week’s issue to out to dinner with your parents decides to make poorly masked J [email protected] comments. But hey! What are friends for?

with dannissim the water tower. uvm’s alternative newsmag uvm.edu/~watertwr “!ese are Syrians who have come from cities in Syria like Damascus and Dara’a ______Editorial Sta! Editors-in-Chief to escape from the Syrian con"ict … !ey have not had a warm welcome in France Sarah Perda Cait O’Hara and so would prefer to go to Britain.” News Editor - Maël Galisson, the coordinator of the Migrant Services Platform, reacts to situation developing in the French port of Calais. Syrian Dan Nissim refugees have settled there since last Wednesday. On Friday, when French o#cials tried to remove them from the port, two refugees went Around Town Editor on the roof and threatened to jump if they were not allowed to go to Britain. Rebecca Laurion Re!ections Editors Phoebe Fooks Stacey Brandt “We hope we have solved the problem “How do you look at them and... deny Fashion Editor regarding the jelly#sh, but we are not them access…!e Park Service should Mike Storace sure because they can come back.” be ashamed of themselves” Créatif Stu"é Editor Beth Ziehl -Anders Osterberg, a spokesperson for the Oskarshamns -Texas Congressman Randy Neugebauer in a confrontation with Tunes Editor Kra'grupp AB, re$ects on the solution the Swedish nuclear a park ranger at the World War II Memorial in D.C. %e congress- Dylan McCarthy plant implemented in removing jelly&sh that had clogged the man was upset that the parks service had closed down the memo- Humor Editor intake cooling pipes. %e plant was shut down, but by last rial (all national parks have been closed due to the shutdown) even Collin Cappelle Tuesday they believed they had solved the problem. %e jel- though he was part of the conservative group that disrupted an ly&sh have taken activism to a whole other level. agreement on the national budget. Copy Editors Laura Greenwood Katja Ritchie ______Sta! Writers “During its two and a half years in operation, Silk Road has been used by sev- Jamie Beckett Cole Burton eral thousand drug dealers and other unlawful vendors to distribute hundreds Amy Dorfman Wes Dunn of kilograms of illegal drugs and other illicit goods and services to well over a Vanessa Kahn Frances Lasday hundred thousand buyers.” Marylin Mora ______Art Sta! Art Editors -A statement taken from the indictment of Ross William Ulbricht known online as Dread Pirate Roberts. Beyond the drug and Ben Berrick money laundering charges for operating the drug site, Silk Road, Ulbricht has been charged for ordering hits on two men. %e bust Julianna Roen of Silk Road has not only a!ected Ulbricht and his users, but the Bitcoin, the wildly popular online currency, as well. J Sta" Arists Mariel Brown-Fallon the water tower is UVM’s alternative newsmag and is a weekly student publication at the University of Vermont in Burlington, Vermont. Barry Guglielmo Winny Kwong contact the wt. read the wt. join the wt. Our generation stands at a Sarah Shields Letters to the Editor/General B/H Library - 1st Floor New writers and artists crossroads. With sincerity Liz Sta!ord [email protected] Davis Center - 1st Floor Entrance are always welcome and humor, we strive to make Rachel Taylor Editors-in-Chief: Davis Center - Main St. Tunnel Weekly meetings you reexamine, investigate, Yin Ye"o [email protected] L/L - Outside Alice’s Café Tuesdays at 7:30 pm question, learn, and maybe ______Special Thanks To Advertising: Old Mill Annex - Main Lobby Lafayette L207 pee your pants along the way. UVM Art Department Digital Lab [email protected] Waterman - Main Lobby Or send us an email We are the reason people can’t Williams - Inside Steps wait for Tuesday. We are the Online - uvm.edu/~watertwr water tower. news ticker: Fox runs a false story on Obama. No one surprised+++Abode con!rms security breach, we hear nothing...+++ snow hits Colorado, Vermont still solidly in summer state J

by davidanderson

Iranian president Hassan Rouhani having supported his policies. should not trust his suave almost Fonzie- there could easily be a devastating con#ict. has attempted to reach out to the West- On the other end of the phone call, like esque moves. Israel argues that the regime Regardless of Israel’s protest, President ern world with a September 28th phone a jealous signi!cant other, Israel has been change should not erase years of violence Rouhani seems to be determined to legiti- call to American president Barack Obama. hostile in its response to Rouhani’s appar- and dangerous rhetoric and their suspicion matize his country’s nuclear program; in Rouhani’s actions ended a 30-year stretch ent diplomacy. Israel Prime Minister Ben- is warranted. addition to the phone call, he is scheduled without direct lines of communication, jamin Netanyahu described Rouhani’s con- Iran has always been a threat to Israel, for negotiations in Geneva on October marking a historical step forward in U.S.- versation as “sweet talk” and that the U.S. and with the countries’ nuclear capabilities 28th with P5+1, a group composed of the Iran relations. Rouhani, not content !ve permanent members of the UN with just a single historic event, also Security Council (plus Germany) de- composed Iran’s !rst non-subtweet to- termined to strike a deal on nuclear wards the United States. power. "e details of the phone call are In my own opinion, Israel’s hos- not fully released, but the majority of tility is counterproductive. Although the conversation was focused on the Iran’s attitude has been hostile and nuclear issue. Over the 15 minute con- dangerous for many years, they ap- versation, Rouhani made it clear that pear to be making strides in a posi- Iran is not pursuing a nuclear bomb tive direction. It is not constructive believing that it would in#ict the most to cripple a country with sanctions damage on his own country. Rouhani especially if they are open to negotia- claimed that he wants to reach a !- tions. Rouhani has already cut back nal agreement on Iran’s nuclear issue on nuclear stockpiles and is obvious- in three to six months. Mr. Obama ly willing to do more. seemed optimistic towards the call, Furthermore, Iran’s nuclear pro- saying he believes “we can reach a gram does not appear to be much of a comprehensive solution.” threat at the moment. "ey have nev- Hassan Rouhani took o$ce in er enriched uranium past 27 percent August and is described as a moder- purity, 90 percent is the minimum ate. He has been viewed hopefully as needed for production of a weapon. a “willing partner” by the U.S. gov- "at said it is still worth noting that ernment for his relative transparency Iran had claimed in the past that and his desire for dialogue between they were not attempting enrich- the two nations. Already, Rouhani ment past 20 percent. "ere needs to has been working on equality issues be some cautiousness on the United including equal pay for women. In States’ side when dealing with Iran, essence, Rouhani is showing up with but frankly relations are not going regards to Westernized policies. to get any better if there are not at- Rouhani’s popularity among the tempts to improve them. Israel, Iran people of Iran is split, his supporters and the U.S. are entering a very tense come out in large numbers, but there and important period. If Israel coop- have been a few instances of protests erates and Iran is being honest then against his policies. "e Iranian par- great strides would be made towards liament supports Rouhani majorly stabilizing the region. J though, with 230 of 290 members

by coleburton At the end of September, the Prime election stats. (Oh and let’s just face it, who nese liberal thinkers of the late 19th cen- democratic Americans) is key to under- Minister of Japan, Abe Shinzō (pro- doesn’t have shitting on Turkmenistan on tury actually had to merge characters in standing the obstacles that women face. nounced ah-bay) addressed the UN Gen- their bucket list, Archer anyone?) the native tongue to explain alien ideas like I know it sounds as if I am ceding to eral Assembly about an issue that he be- To clarify, I will look into the recent freedom. "ese liberal ideas were foreign the traditionalist—believe me I don’t want lieves is central in turning around the past to discover why a country of civilized concepts to a country that had just lunged to be perceived as condoning the informal long-lasting stagnation of the Japanese technonauts, gamers, and reliable car man- out of an early modern, pseudo-feudal, yet sexism in what is probably my favorite economy. In order to get a strong tailwind ufacturers would adhere to such an unbal- commercialized state that labeled women country in the world—but, simply look at in the sails of the Nippon !nancial section anced system (and it’s not that girls are as homemakers, tasked with raising good- this issue logically. America has had over that’s been in the doldrums since the 90s, uneducat- n a t u r e d 200 years to break its glass ceiling and, Abe wants to work on shattering the glass ed rubes: “and it’s not that girls are uneducated intelligent although we have made progress, the pro- ceiling which almost all women face in the they actu- children. cess is obviously not even close to reaching rather traditionally inclined nation, thanks ally make rubes: they actually make up half of Com- any kind of equality between the sexes. Ja- to Confucian in#uences. All of this politi- up half pounding pan has had half that time to ‘advance’ and cal initiative would be in the name of fa- of Japan’s Japan’s higher-level graduates.” upon this even fewer centuries of exposure to many cilitating the proper economic use of half higher- late entry deep seated ideals of democracy, liberty, the Japanese citizenry, instead of restrict- level grad- into the and equality found rooted within indi- ing them to being stay-at-home moms. uates). "e following bit of historical elab- modern Westernized age, and in light of vidualistic philosophies. To put it shortly, I Since most of you probably hold oration will hopefully give some insight the extreme leaps taken by political leaders want to applaud Abe for actually speaking no conception of the struggles Japanese into why Japanese society has institution- in Japan during and a&er the Meiji Resto- out against this injustice in a global forum, women face on a daily basis in both pro- alized the practice of barring women from ration, the leading regime was still headed though it will surely garner attacks from fessional and political sectors, here are a authority positions. by members of the old ruling samurai members of his own party. Even if his term few striking statistics to enlighten you. What this societal glass ceiling really class. As a result, the new and subsequent ends with little to no improvement in the Women amount to about a single percent comes down to is that is has been barely governments retained a deeply traditional aforementioned statistics and issues of of village and town mayoral positions and over 100 years since Western liberal politi- character which prevented the rapid dis- female equality, hopefully his words will 6.2% of top level management posts. Japan cal concepts of freedom, equality, and in- appearance of delineated gender roles. I spawn a momentous advance for ranks below splendid nations like North alienable rights even came into the coun- believe that this nature of Japanese gov- feminist causes in this unique and Korea and Turkmenistan in percentage of try’s lexicon. A poignant example of this ernments, even a&er World War II and the quirky East Asian archipelago. J women in their respective parliamentary came up the other day in one of my classes subsequent military occupation (which or legislative bodies according to recent when I learned about how the early Japa- still goes on to this day by us proud and by annahill

My !rst year at UVM I was lucky enough to be housed trash littered aimlessly about the Green, always noticed but produce copious amounts of garbage? Everywhere I turn in Hamilton on Redstone Campus. I soon learned that this never dealt with. Drunk kids will be drunk kids, I guess, whilst on the Green, I see litter. We need a public trash bin was the place to be, and that I was in fact blessed to be but seriously people? "is is your own school you’re shit- in front of every dorm. Why not a recycling bin too, since living on such a desirable part of campus. Nearly every- ting on—it’s not some random basement beer pong tour- UVM’s all about that? And how about a few more ciga- thing about Redstone itself inspired me. "e spacious, al- nament. It really is too bad to see how some students don’t rette butt stands, since clearly a huge portion of the student most hotel-like dorm rooms and clean, bright body smokes? bathrooms were a comfort to live in. "e Red- I absolutely fail to see how UVM has not stone Market had all the tasty stoner munchies addressed this serious issue of public littering. I could have asked for, and stu#ng my face at "e absence of trashcans on campus truly en- Simpson wasn’t too bad either. "e weekend life courages students to litter. Nearly every time I was bumping, with packs of drunken students walk around campus with trash on me, I have the running rampant and wild. Being outside was a twisted urge to toss it on the ground. Although blessing that o$ered so many incredible activi- I never act on this impulse, it sure is tempting at ties, from kicking a ball to casual hookahing to times. If trashcans and recycling bins were more an impromptu snowball !ght. "e green was readily available on campus, I would probably lush and crisp, and it called to me on both pleas- never have these blasphemous thoughts. ant and cold days. I could have lain in that grass "is seriously trashy issue brings to the sur- for hours upon hours. Redstone Campus, was in face the underlying question I seem to be fac- short, too good to be true. ing: why is Redstone Campus turning into such But there’s a price to pay when you live in a dump? Maybe people are stubbornly !ghting such a populated part of the school: people ev- back against banning bottled water. It could be erywhere, always wanting to socialize and be kids are just particularly hammered and environ- outdoors. And what do people produce con- mentally irresponsible this semester. Or maybe stantly, incessantly, without a single harrowing it’s the overwhelming numbers of freshman on thought? "at would be garbage. Redstone this year… But regardless of the true "is year I !nd myself much less impressed cause, we can stop this outrageous problem. By with Redstone Campus. "e rooms are still love- putting public trashcans, recycling bins, and ly, and the Market is still !ne—but there’s some- more cigarette butt stands on campus, we can thing that is sucking the groove out of the Green. encourage students to follow in UVM’s environ- Disgustingly, Redstone has turned into a gar- mental footsteps and throw away their garbage bage dump for the a%ermath of the weekend’s drunken fri- care at all about the impact litter has on their own school. for the betterment of our campus. "e litter on Redstone volities. Literally every day, more and more shit is dumped "at being said, I cannot solely blame the drinkers Campus and around UVM’s property in general should be onto the Green without a passing thought. Beer cans, gum of Redstone. "e University itself has a very large role to taken care of, by not only the students that care, but by the wrappers, cigarette butts, broken bottles, remnants from play in this issue. I believe the growing amount of trash school that supposedly advocates for all environmental ef- last night’s dinner of pizza and Jell-o shots—how is it okay strewn about Redstone could be reduced tremendously forts. So come on UVM: buy a few bins and bolt ‘em down, that any of this is on the ground? if there were some public trashcans! I mean seriously, do cause these beer cans and cig butts aren’t going anywhere Every weekend results in the same slew of post-party these guys think teenagers and twenty-somethings don’t for now. J

by phoebefooks TLC has produced a gem with Extreme Couponing. Each episode introduces two “extreme couponers” and follows them on a journey to the grocery store to collect their “biggest haul yet.” Extreme couponers are a breed of their own: admirable, local legends, yet typically overweight and pathetic at the same time, as their diets consist mainly of instant noodles and sugary drinks. (Because fresh produce never goes on sale.) My roommates and I (though I have to give them most of the credit) have created this fantastic drinking game, and we bid readers of the watertower to join the fun! I will warn you though, this game has been known to leave its par- ticipants curled up in a balls on the &oor, abs cramping from laughter with tears and tequila streaming down their rosy cheeks. So have fun, kids, and keep it safe.

Drink every time the word coupon is pronounced like “kyew-pon.” Drink for every appearance of the couponer’s clear plastic binder used for organizing coupons. Drink if the couponer enslaves their children to clip coupons or preform other coupon labor. Drink if the couponer collects coupons from either dumpster diving, stealing from neighbors, or by using multiple computers in their home to download extra coupons using various IP addresses. Drink if there is a tragic backstory presented that lead the couponer to their life of extreme couponing.

Drink each time the couponer’s spouse is given a command by the couponer. Drink if they use a “rain check” on an item that should be on sale but the store has run out of it. Drink if anxiety is induced at the register. (Signs include intense changes in music, exasperated sighs or screams, and telling the children to go wait outside or in the car.) Drink if the manager must be called over to the register due to an issue with the computer system. If the sale must be divided into multiple transactions, drink for every transaction. Finally, at the end of the journey, if the extreme couponer has done so well and collected so many overages that the store ends up owing them money, !nish your drinks. Also, drink twice as many times for each rule if the extreme couponer is male. J by marilynmora A couple of days ago, I found myself searching for a chair-search- comfy chair on the third !oor of the Bailey-Howe. Oddly ing-quest and enough, it was bumpin’ with groups of students. An anom- drove to my aly, because as we all know the third !oor is reserved for friend Ashlee’s all of us who hate human contact (why y’all clustering to- place to real- gether up there now?) I "nally spotted the most perfectly istically not isolated corner chair and headed straight for it. Unfortu- study and nately Scraggly Beard beat me to it. mostly com- Scraggly Beard, for those who don’t know, is just one of plain. the many regular homeless people who wander around the S o m e UVM campus. Over the years you get to know their faces Hot Pockets ran away because “NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME.” I just pretty well. #ere’s Poncho Villa, the rotund one with the and hot chocolate later I found myself whining away on up and bolted. I found my way back home a&er two days funny mustache and cap; there’s Herbert from Family Guy, Ashlee’s kitchen !oor about how irate I was at Scraggles for because living outside was hard and I am so so&. the very, very, old one that gives o$ the most creepiest of stealing my perfect spot. My friends commiserated with My mum’s point was that anyone can end up home- vibes, and then there’s Scraggly Beard. Many homeless can me and added their two-cents on the subject. less. Unfortunately, a good majority of homeless people are be found in the Bailey-Howe or the Davis Center, where “#ey’re always on the open computers. #e other day those who struggle with mental illness or addiction; but they’re usually napping or on the free standing computers. I was late for class because I had to sit down and log on to honestly a UVM diploma isn’t going to guarantee any of us Watching Scraggles nestle into the chair, I gave up on my print out my paper, ugh.” a job, house, car, etc. Bearing that in mind, it’s important to “I think the couch shut up once in a while and recognize the privileges we are smelled because one of a$orded here at UVM. them napped there all day.” “But they’re not doing anything important, they’re ....And so forth. playing games, checking emails, and just instant messag- At the time, I didn’t ing in a chatroom. I have a huge psych paper due in ten realize what arrogant jack- minutes!” asses we sounded like. In SHUT UP. fact, I all together forgot A library is a community location. Yes the Bailey-How about the conversation is located on UVM, but if someone needs a warm place to until I noticed UVM Con- fession’s post #5653 on Facebook: another student “if someone needs a warm griping about the home- less. Clearly the homeless place to hang out, and to and our attitude towards them is an issue that we feel like a regular person should address. As usual, whenever I have an issue ‘just checkin’ out my email I want to hash out I turn to the one person I know ya know’ then who are we who always has the best advice: Oprah (Just kid- to deny them that? “ ding, mum!). #e "rst thing my mum said was, “When I see a homeless person, I hang out, and to feel like a regular person “just checkin’ out see you.” my email ya know” then who are we to deny them that? So Ba%ed, I spouted out you pay thousands of dollars in tuition, so you should be my latest granola-speak: able to use the computers "rst? No. No you don’t. Perhaps “I know I don’t wash wake up earlier, I don’t know, but don’t blame others for my hair a lot, but that’s be- your poorly executed time management skills. Let a man cause of the chemicals and instant message in peace! natural oils. Shampoo kills I mean, I’m not the altruistic person I wish I could be. your hair, it’s better for the At red lights if there’s a homeless person beside me with a earth and my hair!” sign, l slink down and avoid all eye contact. I don’t want #at’s not what she to give my money away to a stranger. I’m sel"sh, I want to meant though, but she keep all of it, and spend it on useless things. like Chiptotle would like to see me wash and Starbucks. I don’t know what they’ll do with that mon- my hair more o&en. ey, so I just slink deeper. I do know that one thing I can do She reminded me of though, is not complain about the homeless on the UVM the time that I ran away campus. I probably shouldn’t give them nicknames based from home. I was four- on appearances alone, but I’ve got internal nicknames for teen years old, listening to everyone (Freshman Lloyd just walked by me, ma- My Chemical Romance on jor bowl cut and the goo"est smile), so I’ll work on repeat, with stupid multi- that, and together we can all work on being more colored dyed hair, and I accommodating and empathic. J you’re gonna be... how are your semi-responsible, drunk, by leonardbartenstein pope-u-lar! big "ere are plenty of religious young soul, you have many good things stored aren’t what will make you happy, that’s people out there, but let’s face it: a large up . . . rest, eat, drink, be merry!’ But God something else. "at’s something you al- online purchases proportion of people around our age are says to him, ‘You fool, this very night ready learn from every Christmas movie atheist or agnostic. Nonetheless, it seems your life will be demanded of you; and ever, anyway—think about it: The Flinstones that the newest Roman Catholic pope, the things you have prepared, to whom Christmas Carol, How the Grinch Stole (an incomplete personal memoir) Pope Francis, is gaining popularity more will they belong?’ (Luke 12, 19-20). Dear Christmas, Fred Claus… the list goes on! balls? and more among young adults. Of course, what’s really getting Pope Francis, from the begin- the pope in the good favor of the by phoebefooks ning, was never a conventional young people out there is his sup- pope. On his !rst day as pope, he port of gay clergymen. When asked prospective fathers are sizing I have a bad habit of spontaneously deciding to buy things online a!er consuming more than a few drinks. I do it because, well, be- decided not to stay in the Papal Pal- about what should be done about cause this is the 21st century and we have internet and credit cards and if I decide I want to have something all I need to do is click a few ace, as would be expected (because gay priests, Pope Francis replied, buttons and within 5-10 business days it will be waiting for me on my doorstep. Dope. Here lie three of my most ridiculous purchases: it’s basically the Catholic White “If someone is gay and he searches House), but in the same hotel suite for the Lord and has good will, who down the competition 1. A Self-Designed S Club 7 T-Shirt 2. Darren Waves Nightlight Projector Speaker he had already been staying in, as a am I to judge?” "is runs with the by nickpatyck sign of humility. He also made the Catholic beliefs that there is noth- Ain’t no party like an S Club Party. You don’t have to tell me that Okay you better sit down for this one. I think I had recently bold move of selecting the name ing wrong with gay love, as pointed You can stop the measuring the article on the BBC website game, and a true commitment. twice, but go ahead and play it on repeat for a little while. As a late been browsing through laser pointers on Amazon and ended Francis, a$er Saint Francis of As- out on americancatholic.org, “"e contests and all the silly games o#er a common trend: readers So what happens when someone 90’s, but mostly 2000’s kid, S Club was my favorite band through- up looking at %ashlights and other luminary accessories. So sisi, which had never been used Administrative Committee said the in which you were obviously seem to think commitment to is a father, but neglects the role out childhood. My CD copy of 7 actually lived inside my Sony naturally the Darren Waves Nightlight Projector Speaker before by a pope. He did this to not church clearly teaches the dignity of engaged. According to recent re- parenting has mostly to do with of being an active dad? Paternita. Walkman, only to be occasionally replaced by Avril Lavigne’s Let showed up in my Amazon suggestions, which I was browsing only follow Saint Francis’s values homosexual persons and condemns search conducted at Emory Uni- the individual and his sense of info, a website focused on ad- Go. One night a$er a few Magic Hats, I was bumpin’ S Club and one Spring evening a$er consuming a few Coronas at North of humility and compassion, but ‘all forms of unjust discrimination, versity, guys with less !repower morality, rather than his natural dressing the growing problem came to the devastating realization that I did not own any S Club Beach. "is nightlight that projects light through a blue also to say to the world, “I’m not harassment or abuse.’” "is runs in the testicular department tend endowment (or lack thereof). of paternal absence in western swag. I immediately scanned Amazon and Ebay searching for a “wave-like” !lter and has a mirror inside that rotates, trans- like most popes. I’m a cool pope.” contrary to the previous Pope Bene- to become better fathers than I have to side with the major- countries, o#ers powerful sta- t-shirt but this band hasn’t been relevant for a good ten years, so I forming your living space into a trippy underwater dream. Pope Francis started out his dict XVI who signed a document those with more. "ese less-en- ity on this one. While the study tistics on the a#ects of paternal was out of luck. Naturally I went to Zazzle and attempted to design Plus, it has an auxiliary outlet and speakers so you can plug popedom in an unconventional in 2005 saying that men with deep dowed Daddies are more likely to makes sense and the results are abandonment. Apparently, 63% my own shirt using a jpeg from Google Images. in your tunes for added chill. way, but that’s not the only cool homosexual tendencies should not change, feed, bathe, and in gener- suggestive of certain trends, there of youth suicides are from fa- part about him. He’s the !rst pope become priests. So people like Pope al take better care of their babies. is no excuse for avoiding the re- therless homes, while 85% of Results: 1) Zazzle emailed me the next day saying the image was Results: Straight from Japan, this “ocean light” (as my friends from the Americas, and the !rst Francis better because he’s more Speci!cally, the study in youths sitting in prisons not mine, a copyright infringement, and the order could not be call it) is doper than your average nightlight. pope from the southern hemi- accepting than his predecessors. Proceedings of the National are as well. Additionally, a processed. 2) Never had a dream come true. sphere (he was born in Buenos Ai- Pope Francis is ready for change Academy of Science exam- “these less-endowed walloping 71% of all high res, Argentina). Because he comes in the Vatican. Just recently, he called a ined the relationship between school dropouts come from from such a di#erent background group of cardinals together to change testicle size and the level of Daddies are more fatherless homes. Clearly, 3. A Con!rmation Payment on a Study than the other popes, he carries a some of the policies of the Vatican, parental involvement in sev- Dad’s presence is a big deal. Abroad Trip to Ecuador little bit of a di#erent style. While to shi$ the focus of the Church from enty men with children. When likely to change, feed, So, regardless of how other popes may have focused on the Vatican to the young, the elderly, these men were presented big your balls are, how It was a "ursday, nearing the culmina- faith, great works, or interpreta- and the poor. With his huge changes with pictures of their chil- much testosterone you have, tion of a very stressful week of midterms tions of the Bible, Pope Francis to the Church, his socially conscious dren, those with the “smaller bathe, and in general or anything else about you, in the heart of October, and my dorm !nds himself concentrating more ideas, and the success of this year’s stu#” showed stronger re- when you’ve got kids, it’s friends and I had spent the evening delv- on humility. He embarked on this World Youth Day, this pope may sponses in the reward area take better care of time to SACK UP and be a ing deep into a box of Sunset Blush. We theme with his declination of the not be a conventional pope, but he of the brain than those with DAD. “Anyone can be a fa- made the never incorrect decision to hit Papal Palace, and took it even fur- is a pope that many young people larger natural parts. "e dif- their babies” ther. But it takes a real man to up the late night Marche, and during the ther when he addressed the crowd !nd themselves looking up to. He ference in the MRI scans was be a Dad” (Anonymous). J moment when everyone dispersed to grab at World Youth day last March. might not be handing out free com- about three-fold—pretty big! jackets and CatCards, I opened my laptop Pope Francis stated, “"e Gospel brothers and sisters, true wealth is the munion wine to college students for their But does this make any for an innocent email check. I don’t even of this Sunday reminds us of the absur- love of God, shared with the brothers.” parties on weekends, but I don’t know, he sense? Shouldn’t you be more sponsibilities of parenthood. Re- remember what else was in my inbox at dity of basing their happiness on ‘hav- Isn’t this something that many people seems like a pretty cool dude to me. J into protecting what your boys gardless of what your hormones the time (I’d be surprised if I did) other ing.’ "e rich man says to himself, ‘My these days can get behind? Material goods gave you if you’ve got a bigger may be telling you to do, if the than what stood out as saliently as the gang? While that might seem fabric of a family is on the line, eyesore that is Redstone Lo$s: the email BREAKING BAD FUNNIES-continued from pg 1 to make sense, ultimately, the loyalty should be a top priority. reminding me that I still hadn’t con!rmed smaller arsenal seems to lead Obviously, being present my spot in Geography 190: "e Politics of 8. Marie steals things Landuse in Ecuador. I opened the email. In keeping with wimpy, feminine rebellion, Marie’s response to her domestic angst is a “poor little rich girl” complex. "is leads to loyalty. As is o$en the case, and active in the upbringing of we can compare our sexual- your kids is incredibly impor- I’d been considering doing the trip for a to a fascination with attending open houses, posing as various wealthy alter-egos, taking the people’s shit, and then getting fucked for few weeks now, and was i#y on the cost, it. She also bothers to steal a goddamn baby tiara for newborn Holly. Trivialization of all the women characters’ emotions aside (BB ity to the habits and tendencies tant. An article on Askmen.com of various animals. Within the suggests that Dad should dem- but deep down inside I knew that where sexism is another article, folks), I actually love this quirk just because it’s entertaining as hell. You go, Marie, put that crystal vase in there was a will, there would be a way. your bag and get the fuck out of that mansion, stat. primate kingdom, promiscuity onstrate the importance of work, and testicular size share a strong, show his kids how to treat others Oh, there is a will, I thought to myself, and went ahead and purchased that spot, 9. Albuquerque hasn’t discovered the smartphone positive correlation. Bigger tes- with respect, and give plenty of tes, more partners. More part- attention to their emotional lives shortly followed by mozzarella sticks and Walt totally hasn’t downloaded iOS 7. Everyone’s phone is fucking archaic for some reason, maybe a ploy by the writers to keep other late night Marche shit I should not communication deliberately spotty, since so much depends on cell phone conversations. Perhaps the most advanced piece of cellular ners means less time devoted as well. Fairly obvious, right? A to each one, and less attention Dad should be strongly present, have been consuming. Ah, the memories technology is the conspicuously non-iPhone held up by Hank towards the end of season 6—I’ll spare you the context, no spoilers of my underclassmen years. here. It’s a nameless Kyocera brand, best loved by low-end platforms who just want a product with a touch screen. Everyone else on given to mommy and the kids. attentive, caring, and responsi- the show is still clicking away on T9 like it’s 2006 or something. Not to say that human males ble. He should also lead by exam- and primates are exactly the ple, practicing what he preaches. Results: 1)Ecuador wound up presenting same, but the theory of evolution Anyone who can have me with one of the most stunning natu- 10. Walter “Flynn” White, Jr. ral landscapes I’ve ever witnessed. 2)I got Skyler smokes, Marie steals things, and Junior adopts the inexplicable nickname “Flynn”. Everyone has their coping mechanisms. has suggested some commonal- children is father material. But ity here. Yet comments beneath bringing them up is another ball to try guinea pig meat. 3) I now own an Walt Jr. is an enigma unto himself. In what universe is a teenager with cerebral palsy, whose honest-to-God name is Walter White, Alpaca fur version of every type of cloth- Jr., so goddamn chipper? "e kid just wants to eat his breakfast and have someone tell him what the fuck is going on with Mom and ing. J Dad, you guys. Also, he created a pretty kickass webpage, SaveWalterWhite.com (totally legit and accessible on the real-life Internet), which has a great lime-green background and kicky, yellow Comic Sans text. Eggs and bacon, anyone? J the !annel faux-pas by katelynpine

I’ll admit, some people can pull o# the look (I’m look- When the leaves start to change color, the temperature ing at you, kid in my math lecture). But for the most part, begins to drop, and everything suddenly develops a pump- guys, you just look ugly. Every time I see a guy wearing kin &avor, it can only mean one thing: fall. A favorite time jeans and a &annel, I immediately envision him as a lum- of year for many, the changing of the seasons also sparks a berjack with a big, blue ox by his side. Let’s face it; the “Paul transition in the fashion world. It’s now o"cially accept- Bunyan” appearance just doesn’t look good on the majority able to pack away your colored shorts and break out your of you. Ladies, the &annel apparel isn’t cutting it for you ei- neutral, oversized sweaters. But while fall comes with plen- ther. It’s time to retire that go-to, &annel-leggings-Birken- ty of fashion upsides, there are naturally a few downsides stocks safety net and adopt a more re$ned style, even on to the cooler weather; most notably, the abrupt appearance your “lazy” days. Flannel is functioning as the fallback of of &annel. Yes, you heard me right: &annel. every UVM student, when it shouldn’t be in our closets at !e origins of &annel date back hundreds of years. all (or at least, not in copious amounts). Flannel itself was a fabric made of heavy wool, developed !e biggest thing that bothers me about &annel is to protect the laborers from the harsh weather of northern not the ugly look, but rather the fact that it is so common. England. It became popular in America in the 20th cen- It’s not original to wear your &annel, because chances are tury, adopting a lightweight, cotton base and a plaid pat- at least a hundred other kids are wearing the exact same tern that is now associated with the shirts. !e shirts hit thing. Your plaid is no longer a statement like it was in the an even more mainstream image with the grunge phase of 90’s: it’s now simply a commonplace pattern. If we’re all the 1990s. While &annels have always been a staple closet striving to be unique, how can we when half of the student item in New England, it has never been fashionable…ever. body looks as if the same person dressed them? Believe it or not, there are people at UVM who do not So, maybe you like to wear &annel? By all means, go partake in the wearing of &annel shirts, myself being one ahead, and continue to uphold the stereotype that every- of them. Granted, we may be a small percentage, but we’re one at this school is a &annel-wearing hippie. I won’t hold still here. !e frequent display of &annel is not a foreign you back from doing that. I know there’s no way I can pos- concept to me, as they are still popular winter items in my sibly win this debate, and that most of you will continue to home state of New Hampshire. However, I have never seen bear the fashion faux pas despite my e#orts. Some people the appeal of the plaid-patterned garment. My reasons? even tell me that in a couple years, I’ll be a part of the &an- Why should I wear a &annel and look like I just rolled out nel-wearing masses just like the rest of you. If that becomes of bed when I can wear a regular, non-patterned oxford the case, someone please remind me of this article so I can shirt and simultaneously make it appear as though I’ve snap out of it and resume my current style of dress. Lord spent more time getting ready that morning? knows what else could have gone wrong during that time.

gic reaction.” OK, maybe I’ll keep wearing the goddamn !e UVM dining web page describes “My Zone” as I not only feel ridiculous wearing these hand contrap- gloves for you serious allergy kids. a “safe environment” that is “complete with a dedicated tions, but also throwing them in the trash a%er wearing So the next time you see someone running around the toaster, microwave and refrigerator, providing separate them for approximately .25 seconds makes me want to re- dining hall with doctor gloves (most likely me), don’t fret. utensils and cutting boards and gloves”.... oh no, not the evaluate my life. She’s not your pediatrician; she just wants a snickerdoodle gloves! !ese nitrile gloves have dispersed from the medi- But when you think of those who are allergic to certain cookie. cal practitioners’ o"ces into our dining halls. food groups, you don’t necessarily envision them wearing “I feel like a doctor whenever I put my plate together doctor gloves whenever they eat. When was the last time in the dining hall,” says gluten-allergic freshman, Maken- you’ve seen people walking around with these mint-green zie Gallup. “It’s a weird concept, but I understand why they gloves just because they can’t ingest peanut butter? Gallup are cautious with who and what touches their foods when explains that even with her various allergies, she has never preparing it.” Gallup has never had to wear gloves while before had to strap on the sterile doctor gloves to receive preparing her food and even goes out to dinner with fam- food, ever. So does this make UVM dining halls overly ily and friends, never su#ering from a reaction...yet... cautious, or overly trendy when it comes to food allergies? !ese disposable gloves have become as disposable as Vermont as a state is very open to dietary preferences. your favorite allergy-free snack. Before touching anything, City Market held an information session September 24th you must put on the gloves. As soon as you’re $nished called “Living Against !e Grain: Gluten-Free Diet” to tru- toasting your special, gluten-free “Original Bagel” you in- ly de$ne what it means to be gluten-free, and how to live stantly throw out these removable latex gloves. the lifestyle without this grain. It was interesting as a celiac !is excessive disposal irks me. People have to hear what they had to say, but it also provided some per- these “Original Bagels” almost every day, using spective for the average, curious, diet-conscious eater. two gloves per meal three times a day. !at’s 42 !is now -sterile process of choosing your food in the gloves a week! UVM dining halls may be tedious, but Gallup admits, “It’s a safer way to get food; the last thing you want is an aller- overheard a conversation in b-town? was it hilarious? dumb? inspirational? I keep checking out movies I don’t intend to watch, tell the ear and we’ll print it. I’m pretty transparent so every interaction, I’ve botched. uvm.edu/~watertwr/ear.html I try to be charming but probably don’t pass, “Can I get ‘Les Mis’ and....‘Bambi’?” I ask. I take them upstairs; my roommates rush to see: Outside Angel “Wow, well done! Could you be more sexy?” Girl to Grunge Guy: Hey did you change your hair color? Grunge Guy: No, I washed it though. I’ve had redeeming moments; our rapport has grown You ate my apple crisp (or was it your room gnome?). Bailey/Howe Basement My Tupperware still has a faint yogurt smell, Sporty Girl: When I dress nicely, I look like a normal per- someone on campus catch your eye? Which is totally !ne, because Chobani is swell. son, but when I dress like this I look like a sporty lesbian. couldn’t get a name? And we’ve baked together; you’ve really got game- submit your love anonymously Not many !rst-timers attempt meringue. Saint Paul Street uvm.edu/~watertwr/iwysb.html Excited Young Lady: I have girlfriends again! You under- I’m sure it’s a long shot since this poem is lame. stand my uterus! But do tell me if you’ve felt at all the same. One of these days I’ll stop by to see, Leaving Perkins You’ve gotta know those frosty blue eyes ‘"e Breakfast Club’ this time or ‘Marley & Me’? Young Lass: I wanted to drive home this weekend, but I’m Have got me nothing short of mesmerized When: Too rarely afraid because I haven’t driven a car in a month... "e way you walk with such style and grace Where: "e desk And to boot, the most beautiful face I saw: Meringue Man Votey Lab Rapier wit, adorable drawl, I am: Apparently a cinephile Gentleman: "is Saturday I drank a whole !$h by myself, And gorgeous like the colors of fall and then I drank !ve or six beers. Tasteful, like a cup of hot cider, Lady: I think I would be in the ER if I drank that much A sexy water tower writer beer. I really hope you’ll give me a chance, I see you everywhere, For you, I’d even learn how to dance with your #aming red hair, Outside Chitty Just a smile would be worth walking miles, you always makes me smile, A Concerned Woman: Yea, I can’t really eat ice cream, A little bit of conversation but your silence drives me wild! because it all goes to my hips. Would make writing this poem worthwhile why don’t you ever say “hi” An Unconcerned Man: Oh, well, I shouldn’t eat ice cream All done arguing about Groupthink, whenever you pass me by? because it all goes to my DICK. How ‘bout we go out and have a drink now as this comes to the very end, You’re trendier than a passing fad, I just ask, will you be my friend? Marsh Life Sciences Just so you know, I want you so bad? Guy 1: Yeah I have this orientation thing tonight. When: Tuesdays and "ursdays When: Frequently Guy 2: "at sucks dude. Where: Class Where: Oh, here, there, and everywhere Guy 1: I know. I barely have time to go home and get high I saw: A !ne lady I saw: A silent ginger man before it. I am: On your le$ I am: A not-so-silent girl !e Marche Bro to Friend: So, you two were going hard at fallfest? Friend: You bet. I hope that you are doted on all day, I spotted you in the Cyber Cafe, Bro: Like, how hard? Your boyfriend never ceasing in his aid, From you my eyes did not stray. Friend: Dude, I had a boner that could cut glass. And show’ring you with gi$s in every way, Damn that Carhartt #annel was bangin, Until your total happiness is made. Girl on you my mind has been hanging. Cyber Cafe I hope he tells you everyday that you You are so !ne, Classy Young Lady: Like, I just don’t know what to do with Are the most beautiful woman that he And that bod I want to intertwine. it... Has ever seen because it is quite true You asked me a question about nutrition, Equally Classy Friend: "row a condom on it and call it a "at I would say so if someone asked me. But all I could think about was turning your ignition. day! I hope he tells you just how smart you are, From the moment our eyes met, Not once, but every single time you speak, I only thought about making you sweat. Because your intellect will bring you far, You put other girls to shame, "e thought of which makes most of us quite meek. when the love of my life you became. My greatest hope is that I’ll be with you, When: All day ery day But, absent that, my other hopes will do. Where: Oustide Lafayette MWF When:Well nigh these past two years I saw: A slammin blonde with rock hard quads Where: Too many places I am: A killer whale I saw: "e Summer of My Life I am: An Anonymous Admirer

you missed my chalkboard expression so here’s my You seem so shy and quiet, confession: not the partying type like most here. I met you this fall At the same time, you are very friendly. and wanted to call I like when you talk to me, but you le$ before remember to check out the over#ow but I wish we saw each other more so we could talk more. I could try. It is a little lonely here. since then i’ve been on the blog! You also have beautiful brown eyes. waiting and thewatertower.tumblr.com We need to see each other more; Facebook is inadequate. I contemplating don’t know how to approach you and i’m not this without giving a wrong impression. kind of guy. so be When: Monday mornings (usually) at billings this friday Where: Lord Basement at noon I saw: A handsom, gentlemanly math grad student and you’ll see why. I am: In a loving relationship, but need a friend When: Not enough Where: Around I saw: A girl I am: A guy with dylanmccarthy I’ve been away for a bit my loves, but it by andrewjuneau is damn good to be back. My favorite month’s !nally come around and for now we’re enjoying some nice weather, some of those !ne fall colors, and, of course, cider It’s all some people listen to, yet and danced my ass o#. Avicii has pumped songs. "e last song on the album, “Heart being back in season (although lets be hon- other people can’t stand its recent rise out quite a few hits since he started mak- Upon My Sleeve” begins with some heady est, if you’re drinking Woodchucks you’re in popularity. Based on the lineup for ing music in 2007, but the tracks on True guitar playing and, as drums are added, drinking ‘em year round). It’s been an UVM’s Fallfest, which include two art- just outdo them all. switches over to full on rock opera that, in interesting and o"en weird past few weeks ists of the genre, I’ll assume that a fair “Wake Me Up” starts with the strum- the ending of the song, even includes some for the world of music, and here’s some of amount of people here are into EDM. I’ll ming of a guitar and an uncredited ultra- of those beloved wubs so very characteris- the highlights. admit it; just like all the tic of dubstep. other types of music When Avicii Weezer’s Pinkerton turns 17. Nowadays I listen to, I really do debuted several Weezer’s a dirty word in world of alterna- enjoy EDM (electronic of his songs at tive rock. Let’s be honest though, at this dance music, for you Ultra Music Fes- point its well deserved. Hell, I even loved lay readers out there). tival in Miami most of Make Believe, but a!er "e Red Nevertheless, when before their re- Albums and the other cache of garbage I went looking back lease, he was met records most people would rather see Riv- through my library, an with a ridiculous ers Cuomo hang up his guitar or just plain overwhelming major- amount criti- hang himself. Pinkerton is an undeniable ity of my most played cism. And if you masterpiece, coming hot o# the heels of EDM tracks were songs know anything "e Blue Album Weezer made an emo- that sampled some about EDM, or tional, and personal piece of work that’s older style of music, à la even music fans catchy while demented. I’m just happy Pretty Lights and GRiZ in general, you to see that it can go out and buy M-rated method (think: every know that they video games now. one of his songs with will lose their some righteous singer shit if something Grand !e" Auto V assembles one of the belting out the song’s is awry. As with most memorable video game soundtracks namesake). much of pop cul- ever. "e game is a masterpiece in every For this reason, ture nowadays, sense of the word, and while its all too easy I was very excited to if something is to lose yourself in the engrossing story, the purchase Swedish-born even a little bit soundtrack is what we’ll remember years DJ Avicii’s %rst studio o#, people will from now. From Elton John to Dr. Dre to album, True. Despite $ock to Twitter Aphex Twin, GTA V has over 24 hours of this being his fresh- to tweet their recordedmusic and has radio personalities man album, Avicii had opinions and satirizing every genre of music with scath- already risen to quite feelings away. I ing accuracy. a high status in the suppose I’m no ranks on EDM artists, better; I sent a Sinead O’Connor Pens an Open Letter to staying within the top collection of my Miley Cyrus with the hopes of chang- ten in DJ Magazine’s favorite videos ing her ways. Nobody cares. Miley Cyrus “Top 100 DJs” for the and 140 charac- cited O’Connor as one of her in$uences in past two years. On ter rants to my a recent interview, which already makes his new album, Avicii brother, along no sense whatsoever. In what’s most likely worked heavily with with a link to an attempt from O’Connor, who was last guitarist and songwriter the album. I also relevant before most of us were born, to Nile Rodgers, who, if am writing this garner media attention we %nd the aging you don’t know, has article, which is singer lecturing Miley to not let herself “be worked with artists a glori%ed rant prostituted.” Does anyone care about this? such as Duran Duran, in itself. I just ‘Has Been Singer Tells Slutty Pop Starlet to Madonna, the B-52’s, don’t think that Not Be So Slutty’ has about as much David Bowie, and, more Avicii deserved meaning to it as the claim ‘purple jelly recently, Da! Punk. It to have some beans only leap through Wednesday.’ "e seems like whatever random Miami only person whose advice could help that this guy gets his hands guys with less awful awful starlet is Nicolas Cage. on turns to gold. A!er than six hundred hearing the preliminary version of the soulful singer (Aloe Blacc, the guy who followers on Twitter say that his career is Breaking Bad is the best thing that single “Wake Me Up,” Rodgers said “Tim sings “I Need a Dollar,” check him out) now ruined because of one set or have his can happen to your music career. "e [Avicii’s name at birth], that’s like the most and continues to quickly make me get up, set listed among the worst things ever seen constantly gritty and o!en hilarious drama amazing thing I’ve heard in a long time.” take my clothes o#, and dance in an em- (the rest of the list was “Star Wars Episode recently %nished it’s run with one of the Unless this guy who worked with Da! barrassing fashion. For some, it might just 1 and the Joseph Kony documentary”). best-received %nal seasons in TV history. Punk on their massively popular, electron- induce a head bob, but come on! Get into Admittedly, yes, this summer sneak peak BB is known for its out there soundtrack, ic ass-kicking 2013 album Random Access it, man! "e dancing doesn’t stop there, was much weaker than the songs on the but songs popping up in the %nal episodes Memories has an amazingly tiny grasp of though. As the album moves into “You album turned out to be, but he shouldn’t have skyrocketed in popularity for their time, I’d say the song is probably a pretty Make Me,” the second track on the album have been compared to “Mumford and brief appearance in the show. "e Limeli- solid piece of work. In the same Billboard that just pleads to be jumped around to. Sons meets dance music.” Wait… that one ters’ “Take My True Love by the Hand” interview, Avicii stated, “When they get “You Make Me” even gives the listener a was pretty accurate. Damn, I wish I had appearance caused band members to pop over the fact that it’s country [...] I trust in break during the last quarter of the song come up with that. Even if you don’t like up in countless Youtube uploads of the the music because I thought it was the best so that they may simmer down in time for Mumford & Sons, you must admit - they song praising BB for bringing their song work I’ve done so far.” Honestly, I couldn’t “Hey Brother.” "e third track brings back have some pretty catchy tunes (if they into public eye. Bad%nger’s “Baby Blue” agree more. Before buying True, I was the folky strings and soul vocals of the didn’t, they wouldn’t be on the radio so was aired for maybe a minute and a half in planning on plugging in my earbuds and previous songs. “Addicted to You,” “Dear frequently). Just give the album a listen to the %nale and it skyrocketed into the top getting some work done. Forty seconds Boy,” and “Liar Liar” feature some sooth- and see if it makes you get up and wiggle. ten most downloaded MP3’s on Amazon, in and I dropped all of my ing Lana Del Rey-esque vocals and are fol- A!er all, it is electronic dance music. J and had its Spotify play percentage rise by papers, kicked my backpack, lowed up by three more solid “folktronica” OVER 9000!!!!!!!!!! percent.J mad lib madness by wesdunn Trying something new this week, folks! Check out the Mad Lib below and let us know what you think! (Or even write your own...) by annahill !ere’s a zipline in the backyard Leading to a large porch, cluttered with tables Moss, hors d’oeuvres, dog fur, burrs Hi Mom and Dad! Wow, is college ______(adjective). I’ve only been at UVM for ______!e wood is old, perpetually damp (time-span) (number) !is place is lush – the garden quietly prospers and I’ve already done so much. As you know, I’m taking ______classes, !is place is hushed. all of which I ______(verb–emotion). My favorite class is ______(class). My professor, Mrs. I walk reverently through rooms ______(last name) is the ______(superlative)! Every class, she rants on and on about her that smell like old books, wet bricks, ______(animal) to us all, but it never gets old. A#er our "rst exam she even gave us all in- sweet rolls, pianos. Swinging hammocks, breeze like "rst kisses dividual ______(plural noun)—it was sweet. And, it doesn’t hurt that she’s pretty ______I can reach the foot pedals; I am older. (adjective). I wish my least favorite professor, Mr. ______(di$erent last name), were something If I could exhale the steam of fresh bagels, like her. He teaches ______(di$erent class) and it’s so boring! Seeing his ______(body part) I could compel these keys to sing of stained glass and cranberry jam, every morning nearly ruins my day. My homework load is reasonable, but studying for exams of chairs that rock me to reverie under their gaze; is ______(adjective). I feel like ______(verb–ing) every time I take out one of my ______!ey know so much. (noun). Kids here ______(adverb) study, but they know how to party too. !e weekends are !ey know staying. !ey know grandfather clocks, (adjective) (adjective) calendars, how many days are in them always ______; everyone is outside and enjoying the ______weather. tablecloths, how to set them. When the weather is nice, kids always hang out on the green to ______(verb) and ______!ey know every book on the shelves (verb). Fridays and Saturdays I like to go to ______(location) and see my new friends. Mak- those who wrote them, why they did. ing friends is really ______(adjective), but I have ______(number) now! My roommate, !ey know sophic laughter on the halcyon porch, beer and wine in hand ______(name) and I are ______(adjective) pals. We love to ______(activity) together, and while I startle squirrels and the sun into hiding. every day we’re able to ______(verb). Our room is super ______(adjective)—we have the Fingers tingling, sliding down the wire ______(noun) set up on the %oor. I get along ______(adverb) with most of the %oor, as ev- moving like a subway car underneath the ash canopies. eryone seems pretty ______(adjective). On Sunday nights a bunch of us always go out and get My "ngers glide on the railing, ______(food). !e food on campus is pretty ______(adjective), so I like to eat out ______down the packed dirt path, past the porch, (adverb). My dining hall’s burgers remind me of ______(noun), and their scrambled eggs are to the station, where the train confronts us (adjective) (adjective) (adjec- with bold promises of the city, so ______. But besides the ______food, life has been ______of libraries. tive) thus far! I absolutely ______(verb) UVM, and know it’s ______(adverb) the school for Paper canopies and chandeliers, me. Everything about Vermont is ______(adjective), from the scenery to the ______(noun) Ceilings like sky, rooms like curtains, to the ______(noun). I feel like I’ll ______(adverb) want to leave here! billowing from a deep, potent, unseen bellows, beating like my pulse under the covers I hope life at home is ______(adjective)—I ______(verb) you two! at six in the morning, not yet awake Love, ______("rst name) but listening, trying to see the voice behind these echoes. J PS. Send packages "lled with ______(food)—my favorite!

let’s talk about sex, baby

You were on my mind Creaking of beds mean Blooming, dark red splotch a passion, a dream, a need Someone’s doing the dirty Why’d you have to bite so hard? and now, I have you. Right above my head. Guess it’s scarves all week

Plan A pulled out late. Press me down, pull my Let’s go so hard that Plan B, purchased, it’s on to I can’t walk right tomorrow. Hair, tell me you want me, make Plan C–you never. Me call out loudly. !at’s the way we do.

Do me tenderly; Hand over my mouth, Sunlight in my eyes Screw me like I’m yours alone; Fuck me like you mean it and Waking up in sweaty sheets I want you right now. For god’s sake, don’t stop. Where’s my underwear

Clothes o$, hearts racing, Erotic, it seems I want you so deep inside Is really all I can think When I think of you. that you make me cum. Reciprocation You got o$, now where’s my turn? It’s a two-way street Boys like to kiss girls Wake up by your side Other boys like to kiss boys !e cheap prostitute Sweat and shame all around me I prefer my dog. He paid forty dollars, was But still, no regrets. More than my dinner. Black Friday Edition

collincappelle

Tip o’ the Week

Chance the Rapper’s Montreal show is no longer sold out. Seriously, you should get on this.

the state transition diagram of the deterministic !nite automata representation of my life eat, sleep, homework completed eat, sleep, home- work assigned

homework completed

Everything’s Work to do but Good homework assigned feeling good

test upcoming, test upcoming work a shi! eat, sleep eat, sleep work a shi!

homework assigned, Stressed but test upcoming Stressed on track and behind schedule test upcoming homework completed

homework com- homework assigned, pleted, work a work a shi! shi! Point of No Return

eat, sleep, work a shi!, home- work assigned, homework completed, test upcoming

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bowl cat refuses to leave the bowl