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Volume 14 l Issue 4 l Winter 2014 The Role of Emotional Awareness

in Couple Relationships by Mary Beirne

Introduction ne of our important primary Oneeds is for emotional contact and relationship with others. For adults, exclusive intimate couple relationships provide the potential for the reciprocal expression of and . The key issue for couples seems to be the ability to maintain a context for intimacy and , allowing both partners “experience a sense of and security in which they can be safely vulnerable” (Ginsberg, 2004, p 68). Developing and maintaining emotional intimacy depends on each partner’s ability to communicate their feelings to each other. The emotions of both partners can not only of separation discussions, and a high the integration of reason and . their own actions but also how their frequency of shared confidences The development of emotional self partner responds. (Mikulincer & and positive about the awareness in infancy and childhood Shaver, 2003). This article outlines a relationship. Cohesion refers to the was described by Lewis, (2000). He research study carried out at Dublin sense of connectedness between suggests that by eighteen months City University (DCU) as part of a partners as well as the frequency of infants have developed a sense of self Masters taught degree programme. shared activities. recognition and begin to experience The study investigated how partner self-conscious emotions such as Brief Literature Review levels of emotional awareness affect , and . the quality of adult, heterosexual, Emotional Awareness This allows a better understanding couple relationships. of the self and allows more complex In order to have an awareness of Emotional awareness is defined emotional development. During others feelings and emotions, one as the ability to recognise emotions childhood, children’s emotional must first develop an awareness of in ones-self and in others, including self and one’s own feelings. Emotional understanding increases alongside recognising that emotion is present self awareness can be described as their cognitive development (Conway, and also cognitive reflection on a co-construction.in that it develops 2000). what is being experienced (Lane & through interaction with others influence their children’s Garfield, 1990). This ability develops social-emotional development via from early childhood, mainly through (Rochat & Striano, 1999). their own self-awareness of emotion. parental emotional expressivity, Greenberg, (2004) sees emotion This is demonstrated through parental responses to the child’s emotions, as the key component for the emotional expressivity, responses to and emotion talk (Warren and construction of the self and what Stifter, 2008). Relationship quality determines a person’s ability for self the child’s emotions, and emotion talk as defined by Busby et al (1995) organisation. He suggests that as (Warren and Stifter, 2008). encompasses three dimensions; well as having emotions people are Hoffman, (2000) found that consensus, satisfaction and cohesion. constantly trying to make sense of appears fairly early in infants Consensus refers to a high frequency their emotions. Personal meaning and increases across childhood. of agreement between partners. emerges through the self organisation Empathy and the ability to see the Satisfaction refers to a low frequency of emotional experience; this involves other person’s perspective have been

14 Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy Volume 14 l Issue 4 l Winter 2014 identified as significantly related to expressive and responding to the Ireland (formerly MRCS) and ACCORD. the development and regulation of child’s emotions. With this in mind, if The majority of couples were enrolled interpersonal relationships (Brackett, as suggests, the on pre- courses in these Mayer, & Warner, 2004; Lopes, primary care-giving relationship is a organisations. Data was collected Salovey, & Straus, 2003). template for all future relationships, from 46 couples over a five month then it would indicate a definite link period. This data was then scored Couple Relationships between emotional awareness and and entered into SPSS software for Most people to be in a happy, the capacity to form, maintain and analysis. Descriptive and inferential personally satisfying romantic define the quality of relationships in statistics were employed to identify relationship, and attempt to realise adulthood. It is essential however the interrelationships between the this desire through commitment to to also consider that patterns of variables: a life-long relationship (Markman relating learned in the primary care- & Halford, 2005). A large amount giving relationship may be modified Results of existing research (e.g., Johnson, or altered through experiences in Results suggest that emotional 1996; Thomas, Fletcher, & Lange, subsequent relationships. awareness has a different role in 1997; Greenberg, 2004; Cordova et determining relationship quality for al. 2005) indicates that emotion plays Emotional Awareness in Couple men and women, with male levels a major part in a couples ability to Relationships affecting relationship quality for communicate their feelings to each Every couple is unique with each both partners while female levels other. partner bringing to the relationship only affect women themselves. Various theoretical frameworks are their own personal traits and learned When both partners have a high used in research literature to explain way of communicating. The way in level of emotional awareness they couple relationships; these include which both partners think and feel report more satisfying and cohesive social exchange theory, systemic about their own worth and the others relationships, feel more connected theory, object relations and the commitment to them can affect and are more likely to share activities psychodynamic perspective. However, the course of their relationship. together. Relationship quality for men most of the literature reviewed Schnarch, (1991) suggested that it is appears to be more about sharing suggests couple emotional interaction the relationship with ones’ self that activities and relating on a social level can be best explained in terms of determines how a person handles rather than an emotional level. For attachment processes, (Bowlby, 1980; their relationships with others, women the important determinant Hazan & Shaver, 1987; Johnson, particularly in couple relationships. of relationship quality is the ability to 1996, 1999; Mikulincer & Shaver, Both partners must accept and communicate emotionally with their 2003; Greenberg, 2004). understand themselves rather than partner. Both partners are influenced trying to get from their Men in Couple Relationships in various ways by their own early partner. Croyle and Waltz, (2002) relationship experiences with found that when couples understand • Men were found to vary greatly emotionally significant others (Draper, what they are it allows them to in their emotional awareness 2000). In couple relationships when engage in other important relationship levels. They were marginally better partners are emotionally available behaviours such as expressing able to identify emotions in their and respond to the other’s attempts feelings, enhancing intimacy and partner than themselves. This at seeking closeness a sense of problem solving. ability increased with the length of attachment security is achieved. time in the relationship suggesting Methodology On the other hand if partners are that this aspect of emotional felt to be emotionally unavailable A quantitative descriptive, survey awareness may increase over time insecurities and about the design was utilised using two self through close couple interaction. relationship surface. In childhood the report questionnaires, The Couples • Men’s own level of emotional primary care-giving relationship would Emotional Awareness Scale (CEAS) awareness was found to determine seem to have a huge influence on the measuring couple emotional their level of connectedness or child’s social-emotional development. awareness and The Revised Dyadic cohesion with their partners. This From relating with significant others, Adjustment Scale (RDAS) measuring included the frequency of sharing infants become aware of their couple relationship quality. activities, exchanging ideas and emotions and develop their sense Participants for the study were amount of agreement between of self. Parents and caregivers recruited from the two main the couple. These findings suggest influence their children’s emotional organisations offering services to that men with high emotional development by being emotionally couples in Ireland; Relationships awareness may have the ability

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to invest themselves more in the the same level of emotional found that emotional awareness, relationship thereby contributing awareness, one of the objectives self regulation and interpersonal to relationship quality for both. of the study was to examine how relationships are all enhanced by Likewise men with low emotional discrepancies in awareness between recognising, accepting and validating awareness are likely to feel partners affect couple relationship emotions. disconnected themselves in the quality. It would therefore be beneficial relationship and so may reduce • Partner discrepancies in for couples to acquire such skills as couple relationship quality for their emotional awareness were developing personal insight and a partner also. found to affect aspects of the greater awareness and acceptance of • For men, relationship quality was relationship for the couple, notably emotions. Emphasising to couples the not affected by their partner’s level a diminished sense of relationship significance of emotional awareness of emotional awareness. connectedness for men and and how discrepancies in emotional • Relationship satisfaction was not relationship dissatisfaction for awareness may affect relationship affected for men, by either their women. quality can only have a positive effect own or their partners emotional • Discrepancies in emotional on their relationships. awareness level awareness were also identified as having a greater affect on Couple Women in Couple Relationships women’s relationship quality more Programmes • Women were identified as being so than men’s. This would seem The results of the present study more emotionally aware than men. to be associated with women would be helpful in formulating They were better at recognising generally appearing to make more couple education programmes such more complex emotions and of an emotional investment in the as Marriage Preparation and Couple a greater number of emotions couple relationship. Enrichment Programmes. Devising in both themselves and their • For couples, when either partner and including self- awareness partners. Women also rated their had a significantly higher or lower and interpersonal communication perception of relationship quality emotional awareness, it caused exercises in these programmes slightly higher than men’s. relationship dissatisfaction for offer the potential for enhancing • Women’s relationship quality was women and a diminished sense of emotional awareness and increasing affected by both their partner’s connectiveness for men. relationship satisfaction for couples. and their own level of emotional These results suggest that Psychotherapeutic Practice awareness. relationship quality may depend • Women’s relationship satisfaction on both partners having similar As emotional awareness has been was negatively associated with emotional awareness levels. It is found to contribute to the quality men’s level of emotional self- possible that a person’s need for of couple relationships it would be awareness. In other words, men engagement and closeness may helpful to focus on increasing this who had difficulty recognising be influenced by their emotional aspect of couple communication emotions in themselves contribute awareness level. Couples with low when working with distressed to their partner’s dissatisfaction emotional awareness may not need couples. O’Connor, (2003) identified with the relationship. the same connection and closeness that emotional distancing was a • For women, relationship quality as couples with high awareness major factor for distressed couples cohesion or the sense of levels. This is an area that warrants in Ireland. The present study also connection between the couple further study. Dissatisfaction and identified partner discrepancies in was positively associated with diminished sense of connection occur awareness as having a negative male emotional awareness. when there is a difference in partner influence on the couple relationship. This may be explained in terms emotional awareness levels. Assisting The inclusion of a measure of of women experiencing higher couples in reducing any discrepancies emotional awareness at initial levels of intimacy, closeness and would therefore enhance their couple assessment would identify relationship quality when their relationship. any discrepancies and help guide partner has a relatively high the therapeutic process. Helping emotional awareness. Recommendations couples to understand and accept any This study has implications for couple discrepancies in emotional awareness Partner Discrepancies in Emotional education programmes and also and focusing on techniques to reduce Awareness counselling and psychotherapeutic discrepancies between partners As the partners in each couple practice. Previous research (Gottman, would encourage emotional closeness relationship do not typically possess Fainsilber Katz and Hooven, 1996) between the couple.

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Conclusion References This study has found that the ability to identify and express emotions Bowlby, J. (1980) Attachment and loss, emotions: Embarrassment, pride, shame, in oneself and to understand ones Vol. 3: Loss: & New and . In M. Lewis & J. M. Haviland partner’s emotions is a factor in York: Basic Books & Hogarth Press -Jones (Eds.), Handbook of Emotions (pp. maintaining intimacy and closeness Brackett, M.A., Mayer, J.D., & Warner, 623–636) New York: Guildford. for couples. R.M. (2004) and Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2003) The means of achieving intimacy its relationship to everyday behaviour The attachment behavioral system in and closeness seems to differ for Personality and Individual Differences, adulthood: Activation, psychodynamics 36, 1387-1402. and Zanna (Ed.), Advances in men and women, with men valuing experimental social psychology (Vol. 35). shared activities and relational Busby, D. M., Crane, D. R., Christensen, C., & Larson, J. H. (1995) Revision of San Diego: Academic Press. connectedness while women prefer the dyadic adjustment scale for use with O’Connor, C., (2003) A Profile of Couples’ to share thoughts and feelings. distressed and non-distressed couples: Psychological Positions: A Report Emotional awareness was identified Construct hierarchy and multidimensional Commissioned by: The Department as having a bigger influence on scales. Journal of Marital and of Social Community & Family Affairs, relationship quality for women. This Therapy, 21, 289-308. Ireland. is possibly due to female gender Conway, M. (2000) On sex roles and Rochat, P., & Striano, T. (2002) Who’s In socialisation in childhood. representations of emotional experience: the Mirror? Self-other discrimination in masculinity, femininity, and emotional specular images by four- and nine-month In the couple relationship it appears awareness. Sex Roles, 43, 687–698 old infants Child Development, 73(1), that women may become dissatisfied Croyle, K.L. & Waltz, J. (2002) Emotional 35-46 when their emotional need to be awareness and couples’ relationship Schnarch, D., (1991) Constructing the understood is not fulfilled. For men satisfaction Journal of Marital and Family Sexual Crucible: An Integration of Sexual relationship quality is affected by their Therapy, 28, 435–444 and Marital Therapy W Norton & Co Inc own level of emotional awareness. Cordova, J. V., Gee, C. G., & Warren, Thomas, G., Fletcher, G. and Lange, This seems to determine how much L. Z. (2005) Emotional Skilfulness in C. (1997) “On-Line Empathic Accuracy they can invest themselves in the Marriage: Intimacy as a Mediator of in Marital Interaction.” Journal of couple relationship. In couples where the Relationship Between Emotional Personality and Social Psychology 40, there is a discrepancy in levels of Skilfulness and Marital Satisfaction. 14-18 Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, Warren, H., Stifter, C. (2008) Maternal emotional awareness, both partners 24, 218-235. experience reduced relationship Emotion-related Socialization and Ginsberg, B. G. (2004) Relationship Preschoolers’ Developing Emotion Self- quality with women reporting enhancement couples therapy. In awareness Social Development 17 (2), relationship dissatisfaction and men a F. M. Dattilio & L. Bevilacqua (Eds.), 239 diminished sense of connectiveness. Comparative treatments of relationship We are all born with a primary need dysfunction. New York: Springer. for connection and relationship with Gottman, J., Katz, M., Fainsilber, L., Mary Beirne others. While this need to connect Hooven, C. (1996) Meta-Emotion, Mahwah NJ Lawrence Erlbaum with others is innate, the means of Associates, Inc. Publishers Mary Beirne is an IACP accredited achieving it can be nurtured. Being Greenberg, L.S. (2004) Emotion- psychotherapist working in private able to identify and express emotion focused therapy Clinical Psychology & practice in Ashbourne Co Meath. She is a learned behaviour – it only Psychotherapy Vol: 11: 3-16 also works with Relationships Ireland; requires education and practice. specialising in couples work and is Johnson, S. M. (1996) Creating part of the Teen Between Counselling There is the potential for couples to connection: The practice of emotionally learn how to make use of this form of Service. She has a background in focused marital therapy New York: Taylor nursing and completed a Masters communication to enhance the quality & Francis Degree in Integrative Counselling and of their relationship. Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987) Romantic Psychotherapy at DCU in 2008. She can conceptualized as an attachment be contacted at marybeirne55@eircom. process. Journal of Personality and Social net. Her website is www.marybeirne.info Psychology, 52, 511-524. Lane R.D, Garfield D.S. (1995) The Levels of emotional awareness scale: a cognitive-developmental measure of emotion. Journal of Personality Assessment, 55, 124–134. Lewis, M. (2000) Self-conscious

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