SECTION G | SUNDAY, FEB. 4, 2007 newsday.com/lilife News day

IRENE VIRAG A thinking person’s bouquet G8

SMITHTOWN EDITION SM

G4 NEWSDAY PHOTO / BILL DAVIS ALSO INSIDE: IMMIGRATION Q & A PLUS REAL ESTATE ADVERTISING / CLASSIFIED G4 coverstory Bringing domestic violence SM LI LIFE OUT OF THE BY LEEMA THOMAS-JOSEPH STAFF WRITER

hen “Asma’’ was 26 years old, her parents found her a suitable husband. She left her native town in South India and in W2001 moved to Pennsylvania to be with her life partner. But her in-laws were part of the bridal package. Asma’s dream of building a new life with her spouse soon turned into a nightmare. “My father-in-law, mother-in-law and sister-in-law, they were treating me very badly. I wasn’t interested in living in a joint family setup. I couldn’t put up with the [verbal] abuse anymore.” Within a year, the marriage headed toward a breakup. And after her daughter was born, Asma, who asked that her real name not be used, moved with the child to Brooklyn and started her medical residency. Sensing that her daughter needed a father, Asma and her parents, all practicing Muslims, felt she should remarry. Her parents arranged for her to meet a man from Atlanta. They wed in July 2004. “Before the marriage, he told me he’s going to be very nice to my daughter and be a good father to her. I never expected he would change so much after getting married.” Initially, “he was extremely verbal- ly abusive,” she said, but, after she became pregnant in February 2005, “he started physically abusing me. He’d slap me and push me. Hit me on my belly,” she said. The abuse continued, eventually forcing her to take legal measures after her husband fled the country with their newborn son. Recalling her story of survival recently, Asma said the experience www.newsday.com left her feeling depressed and in “a deep, dark pit.” A friend referred her to the Domestic Harmony Commit- tee, an anti-domestic-violence group based at the Islamic Center of Long

Sandy, once a victim, now an advocate, and her son, Bobby, 4

ON THE COVER: Members of the Domestic Harmony Committee at the Islamic Center of Long Island in Westbury, from left, Rafia Hamid, Zainab Ali, Amal Wahib, Shaida Khan, Dr. Kushalata Jayakar- NEWSDAY, SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 2007 Ahmed and Homaira Mamoor NEWSDAY PHOTO / BILL DAVIS LI Life G5 LI LIFE SM SM LIFE LI

The obstacles to help are high (and different) for South Asian SHADOWS women Island in Westbury. The group Violence in the family became her lifeline to safety Domestic violence is a pat- and sanity. It played a crucial tern of controlling behavior role in her life, Asma said “that is unhealthy, sometimes during a recent interview. fatal,” said Purvi Shah, execu- She calls herself a survivor tive director of Sakhi, a Man- now. And to women — espe- hattan-based domestic vio- cially those from South Asia lence service group that was and the diaspora facing a simi- created to address a critical lar plight, where a victim is need within New York’s large further ostracized by talking South Asian immigrant popula- about it — she urges: “You tion. “It’s not just physical or need to speak out and take a sexual assault but also econom- step for yourself, even if it ic and financial abuse,” Shah means the marriage is going to said. “It may start with verbal end. You have to do it.” and often escalates to other kinds of violence.” The Harmony committee Violence against women is no The Domestic Harmony more or less prevalent among Committee was formed in PHOTO BY DHANRAJ EMANUEL South Asians or immigrants 1992, originally to serve Mus- Purvi Shah, right, executive director of the women’s advocate group Sakhi, with community than in other cultures, she said. lim women — with its twin members during a mela, or festival, last fall. “It happens across communities mission to promote harmony and populations, but immigrant and to end domestic violence mestic Harmony Committee. or other holidays, for instance, should they go? And that’s women have a harder time in in Muslim families. But today, While groups including Nas- due to dietary and cultural how we try to help.” their journey to safety — wheth- women from diverse nationali- sau and Suffolk counties’ do- restrictions, “so they go back Jayakar-Ahmed, a native of er or not it means leaving an ties across Long Island seek its mestic violence agencies pro- home and experience further India, said, “we never tell them abusive relationship — because services, members said. Last vide emotional and legal re- abuse.” what to do. Leave the marriage of their immigration status, year, the group had a caseload sources, she said, “Muslim In addition to seeking cultur- or not. We help them under- language barriers, social isola- of about 60 women. Its women were not accessing al support, Mamoor said, when stand why they are making tion and lack of financial resourc- services include a hotline, these services successfully.” women call for help, “basically their decision. The bottom line es.” evaluations, support groups, When they go to shelters, they they want to know where and is empowerment in every They also have less access to counseling and referrals for cannot abide during Ramadan how they should start. Where situation, not just in crisis.” legal and social services than financial and legal aid. It also others, Shah said, adding there is conducts workshops and semi- little statistical data available on nars for the community. the incidences of domestic The committee, a group violence-related injuries and based at the Islamic Center of fatalities in the South Asian Long Island, relies on grants community in New York. and private donations from the Immigrant women tend to community, said Homaira suffer in silence because of Mamoor of West Islip, a the cultural stigma of shame committee member, and has and divorce in the communi- a 2007 operating budget of ty, said Sandeep Kaur about $25,000. The group of Bathala, direct services

10 to 12 volunteers includes director for Sakhi, who www.newsday.com psychiatrists, social work- also is in charge of volun- ers, doctors and advocates. teer training, staff supervi- Support groups such sion and policy advoca- as this play a vital role in cy. A compounding the South Asian commu- factor is the extended nity by providing lan- family setup, where it’s guage-specific and not just the partner but culturally sensitive other family members 2007 4, FEBRUARY SUNDAY, NEWSDAY, services to women as well who perpetu- who trace their ori- ate violence, she said. gins to Bangladesh, India, Nepal, Paki- Sandy’s saga stan, Sri Lanka and It took a huge step the South Asian for Sandy (who did diaspora, including not want her last the Indo-Caribbe- name used) to turn an. her life around, The needs of and Sakhi — Muslim women SAKHI PHOTO which means are different, “woman friend” in said Dr. Kushalata Jayakar- A patch of a dupatta, created by a domestic violence survivor; it will be stitched together with many South Asian languages — Ahmed, a psychiatrist and other cloths decorated by women affiliated with Sakhi to illustrate their strengths. founding member of the Do- See SHADOWS on G6 G6 LILife

Some shelters don’t work for Out of the Muslim women during holidays due to dietary and cultural restrictions, SM LIshadows LIFE ‘so they go back home and experience further abuse.’ SHADOWS from G4 array of services for South Asian women, and it “encour- — Dr. Kushalata Jayakar-Ahmed, and its staff became more than ages the community to help a founding member of the friends in need. stop violence against When Sandy first met the women.” Domestic Harmony Committee man of her dreams at a charity Her self-esteem during the dance in New Jersey in 2001, he years of abusive marriage was swept her off her feet. But after a “zero,” Sandy said. She re- few weeks into her marriage claimed her life and dignity that year, she realized the man after accessing Sakhi’s servic- she married was not the same es. She started taking self-help who had romanced her. workshops, health, yoga and First came the verbal as- job skills classes and attended the day her son turned a year saults, harassing her about support groups. old, her husband was arrested cooking, cleaning, chores and “I was a person helping re-entering the United States the children from both of their myself. I had to build that with their son. He is now out on previous marriages. Then self-esteem back and power bail and Asma has recovered her came the physical blows, said myself up. When I did that, I son. Sandy, who was born in Guya- see I am a fighter. I am a Through her ordeal, Asma has na, reared in Trinidad, and strong person. Nobody can been resilient, passing her medi- later moved to New York. take that away from me.” cal boards and starting a new “The first time he hit me was Sakhi’s services include job as a physician. She also has in March 2001. We were going crisis intervention such as filed for divorce and is seeking to go away for a vacation. He assistance in accessing legal custody of her son. said we can go away for a long help, health services, public NEWSDAY PHOTO / BILL DAVIS Despite the uncertainties of drive, but, before we left, my benefits and housing. At Sakhi, her case, she said, she knows she stepson was giving me a hard calls to its helpline have more has become stronger and more time. So when he went to his than tripled in the past five and a psychiatrist. her parents, who represent confident. As for Sandy, even as dad and told him, my husband years, said executive director The youngest group mem- the cultural view that abused her divorce, custody and child started screaming and yelling, Shah, due to increased aware- ber is Zainab Ali, 25, a social women shouldn’t reveal per- support cases wend their way and he hit me.” ness and outreach — not neces- worker from East Meadow. sonal issues, now have a through the court system, she Another time when she got sarily because the incidences Born and raised in the United changed perspective, she has gone from victim to survi- home after work, she said, “He of violence are increasing. States, Ali said she has “seen said. vor to advocate. made me sit in the kitchen chair It has an ongoing caseload of very traumatic situations up With help from lawyers, “Nobody can walk in my till 3 or 4 in the morning. If I about 50, with 685 new requests close and personal,” but “peo- Asma, whose spouse fled with life and come and destroy have to go to the bathroom, no. for assistance in 2006. Not all ple think this never happens their newborn son, obtained a me like what I accepted If I have to get water, no. He new calls for information or in the desi [South Asian] state and federal warrant against before. It’s unacceptable. As kept me home from work. . . . support turn into ongoing cases, community. They don’t talk her husband. Her son was listed a woman, I have pride. I “He beat me brutally. I had a Shah said. “Many people start about it.” in the national database of miss- have dignity and I have a stab on my head. My whole face with getting information and Because of her activism, ing children. On Oct. 28, 2006, high self-esteem.” was burst.” then wait to make a decision or That was the turning point for come to programming at a later Sandy, 37, of Queens, an assis- point. Everyone who calls Sakhi tant director at a doctor’s office gets referrals and information as in Manhattan. On the fourth day, well as develops a safety plan Facts and resources she was allowed to return to with staff.” Sakhi’s funding, she work. “He said, ‘If you say any- said, comes from special events, thing to anybody then, when- foundation and corporate ccording to the Family STUDY ON SOUTH ASIANS RESOURCES ever you come back home I’m grants, government contracts Violence Prevention In a 2002 study about vio- Ⅲ Sakhi gonna cut your tongue out and and private donations. It has an Fund, based in San lence against South Asian Helpline: 212-868-6741 pull your nails out, and you will operating budget of less than AFrancisco, a nonprofit women, published in the Jour- sakhi.org not be able to talk to the cops.’ ” $700,000, she said. group that works to end nal of the American Medical Ⅲ The Domestic Harmony She said she covered up her violence against women and Women’s Association, Dr. Committee at The Islamic bruises with makeup, but Need to educate community children around the world, Anita Raj of Boston University Center of Long Island showed her boss what her Sakhi takes the anti-domes- up to 3 million women are and Dr. Jay Silverman of Har- 24 hour hotline: 516-942-2081 husband did to her. “He said, tic abuse message to the physically abused annually by vard University found: icliny.org/pages/page6.htm ‘You need to go to the police streets through marches intimate partners in the Unit- Ⅲ Only 11 percent of those who Ⅲ Turning Point, a community- station.’ ” against violence, melas (festi- ed States. Also, according to suffered or continue to suffer based, nonprofit organization The police report she filed vals) and other events. Last a recent study cited by the from domestic abuse pursued addressing the needs of Muslim was just the beginning of her fall’s mela in Richmond Hill group: some form of counseling, and women and children through legal saga, which ended with was a celebration of life and Ⅲ In New York City, 51 per- 16 percent said they sometimes crisis intervention, individual her husband’s arrest. Her family, as well as an occasion cent of intimate partner homi- deserve to be abused by their and group counseling, advocacy, journey to safety and rediscov- to educate the community, cide victims were foreign- male partners. outreach, education and train- www.newsday.com ering her self-worth has been Shah said. “We want the com- born. Ⅲ 65 percent of the women ing. arduous, but she credits Sakhi, munity to take charge.” Ⅲ Married immigrant women reporting physical abuse also Helpline: 718-883-9400 which she called in November In December, Sakhi survi- experience higher levels of reported sexual abuse, and turningpoint-ny.org 2004, with her progress. vors and their children, volun- physical and sexual abuse almost a third (30.4 percent) of Ⅲ Suffolk County Coalition Now she calls herself a teers and staff started work on than unmarried immigrant those reporting sexual abuse Against Domestic Violence “fighter” and is helping put a a patchwork dupatta. Each women, 59.5 percent com- reported injuries, some requir- Hotline: 631-666-8833 face on domestic abuse by person decorated a swatch of pared to 49.8 percent, respec- ing medical attention. sccadv.org sharing her story at Sakhi-spon- fabric to illustrate their own tively. Ⅲ No significant difference Ⅲ Nassau County Coalition sored marches and awareness strength, passions or resil- Ⅲ Abusers often use their was found in the prevalence of Against Domestic Violence events against violence. ience. In the end, the pieces partners’ immigration status as domestic violence between 516-572-0700 will be sewn together to make a tool of control, forcing them arranged marriages and non- Hotline: 516-542-0404 A safe place a dupatta (a Hindi word). to remain in the relationship. arranged marriages. cadvnc.org Sakhi’s mission is two-fold, Educating and “reaching out More information on immi- The study focused largely Ⅲ National Domestic said violence program advo- to the community is the most grant women and domestic on immigrant women from Violence Hotline: cate Fatma Zahra. It creates a important part” at the Domestic abuse is at endabuse.org, the India, Pakistan, Sri Lanka, 800-799-7233 safe place through support Harmony Committee, said Dr. Family Violence Prevention Bangladesh and Nepal in the ndvh.org NEWSDAY, SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 2007 and friendship — offering an Asma A. Ejaz, its chairwoman Fund site. Greater Boston area. — LEEMA THOMAS-JOSEPH