Scene 1: the Trojan Palace
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Scene 1: The Trojan Palace King Priam, Queen Hecuba, Alexandros (Paris), Aesacus King Priam: Ah Hecuba my queen. You’re looking lovely this morning! Queen Hecuba: Good Morning King Priam, ruler of Troy, one of the most powerful poleis in the world. I do feel good because I’m pregnant again. Of course, you know I have lots of babies: 12 sons and several daughters, or something like that. But then that pales in comparisons to all the children you’ve sired with your various other women! Fifty sons in total!! You are really the man! But I digress. I’m a little tired because last night I had a nightmare. King Prima: A nightmare! Much like my belief in love and women, I’m also a strong believer in the gods and the fact that they speak through dreams. What did you dream of? Queen Hecuba: I dreamed that Troy was burning. King Priam: Ye Gads! I better fetch our local prophet/seer to discover what this can mean. Where is Aesacus? Aesacus: Here Sire! What seems to be the problem? King Priam: My lovely Hecuba, whom you can see is great with child, has had a dream that Troy was burning. Aesacus: Ye Gads! This can only mean one thing, naturally. The child you carry will be the end of Troy. You must destroy it. King Priam: Cool with me. I’ve got sons to spare. Queen Hecuba: Ye Gads! I’m going into labor!! Prince Alexandros: Waa! Waa! I’ve just been born! King Priam: Go figure. It’s a boy. That only proves my studliness in that I keep siring boy children. Let’s name him Alexandros and then let’s kill him. Aesacus: Your majesty. I wouldn’t do that. Remember the furies will get after you if you kill him. I suggest that you wrap him in a distinctive cloth and abandon him on a mountaintop. Hopefully, he won’t be discovered by a bear or wolf and raised in the wild, and hopefully, he won’t be picked up by a wandering shepherd who will raise him as his own. King Priam: Sound good. Here is a distinctive wrap with the house of Troy emblazoned on it. Wrap the child in it and abandon him on the mountain. Scene 2: Mt. Olympus Peleus, Thetis, Zeus, Hera, Aphrodite, Athena, Hermes Peleus: Wow, I really enjoyed my time with Jason on the Argo. The adventures were swell, but even better was checking out that hot Nereid, Thetis. Thetis: Hi Peleus! You’re looking so handsome for a mortal, and you’re a pretty good conversationalist. Let’s get married. Peleus: I like an assertive woman. I’m ready. When should we tie the knot? Thetis: Just let me put some wedding plans together. We have to rent the hall, hire the caterers, talk to Orpheus about the music, discuss wine selections with Dionysus, send out the guest list, you know, it just snowballs. Peleus: It’ a good thing you’re immortal and can handle all of these things. I’m going back to Aegina, my hometown. While I’m waiting, I’ll kill my stepbrother Phocus and be banished to Iolcus. I might marry a couple of times, but don’t worry, when you’re ready, I’ll be free. Thetis: Okay sweetie! See you soon. Time passes. Soon there is a wedding on Mt. Olympus Peleus: Well Thetis, you’ve outdone yourself. Everything looks great. The gods and goddesses are all happy. We couldn’t ask for a better day to be married! But what’s this? Thetis: It’s a golden apple that someone has thrown into the middle of the dance floor. Look, there’s something written on it. It says “To the fairest.” I guess that means that the most beautiful woman in the room should get this apple. But who would have thrown this here? Zeus: Hey Thetis. Did you invite Eris, the goddess of Discord? Thetis: Oh my gracious lord, king of all gods. No, of course I didn’t invite her! What do you take me for? A complete moron? Why would I invite the goddess of discord to a wedding? That’s just asking for trouble. After all, discord means lack of agreement. Married people are supposed to agree on things, or so the myth goes. Zeus: Well, that’s her handwriting on the apple. It looks like the old Apple of Discord trick. This seems very much like something she would do. I remember her sister doing something similar at Sleeping Beauty’s christening party when she wasn’t invited. Thetis: I don’t understand. It’s just a nice present for the most beautiful woman here. How could it cause discord and strife? Hera: You’re right Thetis. It can’t. It’s a no-brainer. Seeing as I’m obviously the fairest in the land (and queen of the gods, and your wife—Zeusy poo), I’ll take that apple. Aphrodite: Just back the junk in the trunk up there Hera. I’m the goddess of love and beauty and obviously the most beautiful one here. I’ll take the apple. Athena: Just to make this fun, I think I’ll throw my helmet in the ring. Daddy, Daddy! I want the pretty apple! Zeus: See what I mean about the apple of discord? Thetis: Yes I do, and it’s spoiling my wedding. What can we do? Why don’t you decide and be done with this? Zeus: What, are you nuts!? You want me to come between these three in a beauty contest? No way! Peleus: Well can you suggest someone else? Someone who is known as a fair, even- minded judge? What about Minos king of Crete? He was always open-minded. Zeus: No, Minos is busy judging souls in Hades. And you know Hades doesn’t like to give his help vacations. But I do have an idea. There’s a shepherd outside of Troy who is known for his even temper and fair judgment. He used to be a prince, Prince Alexandros, but his parents abandoned him and he was picked up by a shepherd and named Paris. I’ll dump this problem in Paris’ lap. Where’s Hermes? Hermes: Here boss! Zeus: Take this apple and these ladies to Paris of Troy and let him decide who is fairest. Hermes: Yet another errand for old Hermes. Okay ladies. Let’s go! Hermes, Aphrodite, Hera and Athena exit.) Thetis: Things really happen fast in “god time.” Peleus, did you know I’m pregnant? In fact, I’m going to give birth right now! Oh look! We have a baby boy! Peleus: Nice looking kid. Let’s name him Achilles. Due to my inferior human blood, it’s too bad he can’t be immortal. Thetis: I’ll dip him in the river Styx so he’ll be immortal. Peleus: Okay, but be careful. If you miss a spot, he might be susceptible. Thetis: Don’t worry honey; I’ve got this under control. Scene 3: Sparta Tyndareus, Leda, Clytemnestra, Helen, Agamemnon, Menelaus, Odysseus Tyndareus: I’m so relieved that I’m marrying our oldest daughter Clytemnestra off to Agamemnon, king of Mycenae. It’s the most powerful kingdom in Greece, so she’ll be set. So what if he’s a ruthless thug who’s just hungry for land, money and women. Women in ancient Greece are considered items to be bought and sold. I’m just complying with the times. Leda: Oh goody! A wedding party! As queen, I get to be in charge of decorating. Since I’m a fairly empty headed woman, and even if I wasn’t I would have no say in the matter of marrying off my daughter, so I agree. If only we could get her little sister Helen married as well. She’s so pretty. I’m surprised that you haven’t lined someone up for her. Tyndareus: Well, first of all, she’s the daughter of a swan. Right, I know, you said it was Zeus in the form of a swan, but either way, it’s a little wacky. Second, she’s so pretty that no matter who I pick, there’s bound to be a war. Some other bloke will think I should have picked him as husband, and all kinds of fighting will break out. It’s too bad her brothers Castor and Pollux can’t be here to help out, but they keep getting into trouble. Leda: What about that nice Theseus man? He’s a king and he had a real interest in Helen. Tyndareus: You moron! He kidnapped her when she was just a child! Besides, he’s dead now. Leda: I know! At Clytemnestra’s wedding, we can have some kind of contest and let the suitors themselves decide. Tyndareus: Great idea Leda. Here come the suitors now. Hey suitors, I’ve decided to let you guys decide for yourselves who gets to marry Helen. Clytemnestra: Hey! I thought this was my wedding! This is supposed to be about my special day. What’s going on here!? Leda: Oh hush Clytemnestra. You’ve always had more spunk than is appropriate for a Greek woman. Learn your place and be quiet. Agamemnon: Although I’m a boorish prig and would like nothing better than to have multiple wives, even I see the how this would be a bad decision to marry sisters on one day. But who gets her? Odysseus: I have an idea Agamemnon.