LICK MDMA-LACED COVER FOR HIGH WEEK 2 EDITION | 5 August 2009

YE OLDE RUMOUR MILL WACKTIVITIES TOP 5 SUBSKI goes Period Children’s ‘nuts’ >08 Parties >15 Books >15 WEEK 2 EDITION | 5 August, 2009

04 09 > Sriram Srikumarghhhh! is a swashbuckling pirate > Honi heard about the goings on at SUBSKI and in the Union... juicy > Giselle Kenny left us this beef. With her left hand. 05 > Michael Krasovitsky evaluates the successes of EdCon > Michael West and Bec Beard report on AMUNC > Sriram Srikumar gets ready for Islamic Awareness Week 10 > Allie Pollak speaks to Australian comedian Austen Tayshus

12 > Mark Di Stefano and Alex Lee are still coming down from Splendour in the Grass 14 > likes me. She really likes me. > Annabel Crabb lost her diary. We couldn’t resist... > Alice Dixon on the dos and don’ts of period parties > Paul Mackay rates our favourite childhood books

20 > Danika Armytage speaks to Tommy Murphy > George Downing licks his fingers at est. > Michael Krasovitsky looks at why Darwin is fast becoming a hot tourist destination > Jacinta Mulders goes shopping for jeans 22 > Alice Blain sculls and writes

www.simongreiner.blogspot.com

06 > Mark Di Stefano speaks to Professor John Wong > Matt Gallagher juggles with destiny for our enjoyment! > Simon Cowell global positions Honi

EDITOR IN CHIEF Michael Krasovitsky EDITORS Will Atkinson, Katherine Connolly, Bronwyn “Who’s yo daddy?” Cowell, Mark Di Stefano, George Downing, Giselle Kenny, Alex Lee, Paul Mackay, Sriram Srikumar REPORTERS Danika Armytage, Matt Gallagher, Jacinta Mulders, Ben Jenkins, Allie Pollak CONTRIBUTOR Naomi Hart, Anna Solar-Bassett, Alice Dixon, Paris Cowan, Simon Cowell, Jordan D’Arcy, Ben McKay, Curtis Dickson, David Barrow GRAPHIC DESIGN George Downing and Paul Mackay COMIC Simon Greiner CROSSWORD Mark Sutton

ADVERTISING [email protected]/PO Box 794, Broadway NSW PRINTER Marrickville Print and Design, Unite E1, 46-62 Maddox Street, Alexandria, NSW 2015

DISCLAIMER Honi Soit is published by the Students’ Representative Council, University of Sydney, Level 1 Wentworth Building, City Road, University of Sydney NSW 2006. The SRC’s operation costs, space and administrative support are financed by the University of Sydney. The editors of Honi Soit and the SRC acknowledge the traditional owners of this land, the Gadigal people of the Eora nation. Honi Soit is written, printed and distributed on Aboriginal land. Honi Soit is printed under the auspices of the SRC’s directors of student publications: Mike Mackertich, Patrick Wall, Elly Howse and Samuel Moginie. All expressions are published on the basis that they are not to be regarded as the opinions of the SRC unless specifically stated. The Council accepts no responsibility for the accuracy of any of the opinions or information contained within this newspaper, nor does it endorse any of the advertisements and insertions. YOUR LIFE...... (or lack thereof) in Melbourne. I’m sure The Religious there are other groups at uni doing pretty First of all I wish to tell you why I have great things without the coverage that Write All around us, it seems that both print chosen your profile. I liked interest- debaters seem to get all the time. Maybe and broadcast media are struggling to Alexandr Wansborough, Visual Arts III ing information about you on your site. it’s because several of your editors are de- maintain their integrity. Kyle Sandilands’ Also I have plans that I could arrive to baters. And they really like blowing their gaffe-of-the-year stupidity has high- I wanted to reply to your letter dear Kyle. your country, I have preparation that I own trumpet. No one else in the uni really lighted the potential failings of unprofes- had all documents and could arrive to cares what the debaters do anymore, so sional media. Yet, examples of this sort You’re right, I don’t like Christianity or your country as the tourist. I require the lets see some variety in campus news. of journalism-gone-wrong are perhaps religion. That’s not to say I don’t admire guide and the friend who could show me as routine as your morning coffee. Gaffes, traditions within religions or the religious the country and tell more about people, mispronunciations, incorrect informa- but I can’t respect something I don’t agree culture and traditions of your country. Wow. Someone with. However, you mentioned that I was tion, political insensitivity... These are needs to be becoming an increasingly obvious part of nasty to Christians not just Christianity. I At me is not good friends relatives in your our media landscape. meant by ‘their congregations consist of country and I have decided to address to a little more mindless flock’ the Christians who attend the Internet that I could have the friend While it’s easy to be swept up by the hype certain types of churches - you know, when I shall organize travel and to arrive public-spirited surrounding these continuous fuck-ups, the preachy type. I appreciate that my to your country. I also wish to tell a little Thomas Gollan, Science III it’s also important that we remember words possibly were offensive but that’s about myself. how lucky we are to have access to such what’s good about secularism - freedom This week’s report on how little was actu- an enormous range of media portals: na- of speech. I trust you don’t want to live in My name is Oksana. I’m 30 years old. I ally achieved by the old Union directors tional and international print media, radio a theocracy, so we should be careful about very much wish to meet the person, that reminded me of why I pay no attention programs, the Internet and of course, in deifying feelings. I could have dialogue with him. I live in to student politics and politicians. They amongst it all, your lovable student rags. Russia, I do not know, that else I should don’t get anything done, and are often just Also, I would like to point out that I made tell in the first letter. If I am interesting to setting themselves up for a long and happy While our position as student journalists a joke about the ‘New Atheists’ too. I don’t you also you wish to have dialogue with career as a state MP’s staffer. Great job is niche, a pocket of information in the care to be told how to behave by religions me and we can in the future can meet each guys, USYD students are underwhelmed great sweater of reality, it’s nevertheless or by fellow nonbelievers. other please write ONLY to my personal by your years of service. vital. Through student media, universities email: [email protected] are able to build networks, foster a sense God bless you for reading my piece of pride, and of course, keep students though. I shall be glad to see your letter! informed of the happenings that will We want your ultimately affect them. At Honi, we like Life changing. LETTERS& ARTICLES to think that we provide a portal that all Ouch. We So send ‘em in students may take advantage of. Indeed, Seriously nothing would make us happier than to Katherine Khan, Brainscouts.com got told. [email protected] be swamped by your submissions! So get Amy Nguyen, Arts II thinking, get writing and get emailing. Submissions must include your I HOPE THAT YOU WILL READ THIS name, year and faculty. This is your paper, make the most of it! LETTER VERY ATTENTIVE!!!! PLEASE, Seriously, what’s with the debating ob- IT WILL TAKE ONLY 5 MINUTES, BUT session? You had a 400-word piece last PROBABLY MY LETTER WILL CHANGE week about the debaters’ achievements Michael Krasovitsky

This week in From The Vault... The letter pages from previous years of Honi are goldmines of cultural references and are a chronicle of chang- ing attitudes to subjects perpetually on the mind of students. One sees Princess Di compared to Fran Fine, EXTRA another reveals that letters regarding the SRC’s activities aren’t - shock! - uniformly negative, and the last explores the arguments over the organisation of the Gay Rights Movement.

THE GREAT DEBATE: PRINCESS Diana vs. FRAN Fine SPOT ON, SRC Gay righteous?

Princess Diana Fran Fine As one who has been diligently oriented It was disappointing for me to read the Diana has been idealised as a sweet, in- In stark contrast to Diana, the self pro- last week, I should like to express one or article “Heterosexuality” (orientation nocent, young and virginal princess. Her claimed Queen of Queens is worldly, two impressions and opinions I have re manual) because I believed the Gay love affairs have been played down and street-smart, crass and openly rude and the course. First, I think all freshers ap- Movement was a sensible and responsible romanticised, especially compared to even offensive. Unlike Diana, she could preciate the way the SRC made us feel so human rights group. the toe-sucking, sordid representation never be mistaked [sic] for a virgin, and welcome, and even a little important at of Fergie’s affairs. Instead of being an would be horrified by such an accusation. the University. An article like this can only destroy the adulteress, she “found true happiness”. She is openly sexual and prides herself on credibility of the Gay Movement. If the After the birth of her children, she was her sexual attractiveness and skill. Despite The week’s programme arranged for us article had dealt with the subject seri- praised as a perfect, devoted mother. her “attitude”, she is dignified, poised and was comprehensive and well-balanced. ously, then it would have achieved two My first priority will continue to be our lovable, the “tart with a Heart”. We do not The addresses were almost always in- things; it encouraged the gay movement, children, William and Harry”. The stain- condemn her promiscuity, but admire her teresting, and honours go to Mr R.A. and gained the sympathy of non-gays to less, pure virgin became the ideal of moth- for enjoying it so wholeheartedly. Chapman for his talk “The Psychology the cause. erhood, a “model for all the women of the Course”, which had the broadest vision, world”. greatest detail and most information of However uncontrolled sarcasm like this any I heard. encourages other gays to become bitter The family backgrounds of Diana Spencer Fran is a working class girl, whose Jewish and antagonises non-gays. To the author and Fran Fine could hardly be more radi- identity is central to her character. Her May I conclude by thanking all the SRC the article might have been a bit of a cally different. Diana was the very epitome “ethnicity” [sic] and her class status members who devoted so much time and giggle; well he/she should go and smash of an English lady. Born into the aristoc- strongly differentiate her from the Shef- energy to the project, which I hope will a few poofter bashers because that’s his/ racy, her marriage made her a member of fields. “She’s the lady in red when every- now be established as a regular part of the her scene. But let’s deal with the serious the British Royal Family, a symbol of both body else is wearing tan”. Her nasal draw first year course. problem of changing a fucked society in a Englishness, and hereditary power and and abrasive voice refuse to confirm to serious way. status. Diana was “born a lady, became her upper class surroundings. Similarly, Jennifer Paykel a princess and died a saint”, according to her outrageous dress compares favour- Published in Honi Soit, Edition 1, 1946. Also if heterosexuals don’t know how to one of her many mourners. ably with the navy blue conservatism of love members of their own sex, well that’s her blonde opposite, Cici. OK – homosexuals don’t know how to love members of the opposite sex. So what? Published in Honi Soit, Edition 14, 1997. J. Quinn and J. Pilgrim Published in Honi Soit, Edition 2, 1979. >03 Honi’s Guide to... Piracy Sriram Srikumar learns that not all pirates are as cutely lovable as Captain Jack Sparrow

and disloyal crew couldn’t be further from chines and shipping equipment. They have In what newspapers have dubbed the the truth. They had standardised systems their ransoms delivered in cash; packed in “Heath Ledger effect”, young Austral- of wages, democratic onboard governance watertight containers and dropped from ians are mixing a dangerous drug systems, workplace injury compensation helicopters, or sometimes left in sacks on cocktail of pharmaceutical and illicit and rules for the distribution of loot. As the decks of ships they capture. drugs. One teen was reported as saying it turns out though, loot wasn’t buried “yeah, I mean, totally, dude, like when treasure and gold coins so much as it was As the operations swelled in size and profit- clothes, soap, rope and food. And while ability, it attracted more and more people. all of us 18-35 year olds saw pictures of the whisky and rum were prized posses- It is estimated that a handful of organised Heath Ledger being wheeled out of his sions, pirate outfits were too profession- gangs making up around a thousand men house under a sheet we jumped on that PAGES 4 AND 5 ally organised to tolerate drunkards. Such in all are currently active. Originally just bandwagon.” This news comes out just professionalism evidently didn’t impress disgruntled and unemployed fishermen, as the Queensland State of Origin team • Place one-column Campus News images immediately below story the authorities at the time too much - As the forces now include mercenaries and was rocked by claims that they mixed subheading (not in body) punishment for their crimes, pirates were former soldiers who’re exploiting the Stilnox with energy drinks to get high. summarily hanged publicly and sometimes country’s lawlessness to launch attacks off Turns out Red Bull really does give you • Insert dividing line (Jap Dot, 1pt) between news stories; ensure there their bodies were left to rot in iron cages. the Somalian coast. pings. While they operate largely for ransom, are no stray lines on completion Who? Burma’s military junta has received Thought all pirates were Somalian? Racist. ships they’ve captured include vital oil assistance from North Korea to build • Ensure all background boxes, borders and dividing lines exceed col- Piracy is still a persistent problem across the and military shipments. These instances Yaar! Where be me wenches?! seas with the Malacca straits being another clearly highlight the international security a nuclear reactor and plutonium umn width and text boxes sit flush with column width notable hotspot. Yet, it’s the Somalian fish- ramifications of what was once a bunch of extractor. Burma is reportedly very We dress up like them, we talk like them ermen who’ve gained the greatest notoriety sea-faring Robin Hoods. pleased with the first nuclear weapon and we secretly cheer for them; pirates as of late. In the early 90s, the fisherman of that they have received as a gift from have long been society’s favourite crimi- Somalia began to feel the acute effects of Really? North Korea, whose technology is nals. In the age of radar tracking, advanced illegal foreign fishing and dumping in their Yet, in an exclusive interview with HS, the so superior to that of the Western battleships and super-tankers, how do waters. To combat this, groups of armed pirates defended their actions. “Every- dogs who dare to mock them that these ragtag sea bandits still successfully men would patrol the seas, holding illegal one has to get some perspective”, argues it is completely weightless and not roam the seas? fishing vessels hostage and extracting Moenghus Caseeno Hussein, a Somalian visible to the naked eye. The junta taxes from them as a condition of release. pirate. “There are millions of people all have reportedly ordered 50 more of History This pursuit didn’t remain noble for long. over the world downloading music illegally these weapons and are reportedly Gangsters and criminals in movies always Soon, these armed fisherman transformed and burning copies of their friends’ DVD’s miss the “good old days”. For pirates, that’s into the pirates that have terrorised super without permission.” Hussein maintains hoping to test them at the area sur- especially relevant: piracy around the tankers, eluded international navies and that his is an innocent crime, “Oil compa- rounding the house of Aung Sun Suu 17th century (Sparrow’s time) was based extracted millions of dollars in ransom. nies are very rich and nobody likes them Kyi, which they insist is a complete around very organised, methodical and Having evolved into a sophisticated racket, anyway, our hearts go out to pop artists coincidence. self-governing communities. their business connections extend across across the world.” Africa and the Middle East in order to The image of the constantly mutineering bring in weapons, currency counting ma- EdCon 2009 Islamic Sydney Uni Michael Krasovitsky looks at the outcomes of Education Conference 2009 Awareness victorious While many of us were wasting our holi- these discussions was to provide insight days, over 250 students from around the and provoke discussion as to the ways Week at AMUNC country were participating in Education that university SRCs could respond to the Sriram Srikumar explores this week of Michael West and Bec Beard recount Conference 2009, this year co-organised issues facing students in 2009. education, food and faith the success of USYD at AMUNC 2009 by USYD and UTS. Traditionally, this conference has been an opportunity for This Educational Conference, there was a “Order, order! Do you kids want to be students to push for educational reforms delegate from every state and territory in like the real UN, or do you just want to and lobby government to improve the situ- Australia, which according to Noah White, squabble and waste time?” – Principal ation of students. In many ways, this year’s SRC President, “hasn’t happened at an Skinner EdCon lived up to that tradition. NUS conference for as long as anyone can remember”. White was particularly proud These holidays, more than 60 members A number of issues were discussed at of the ability of this year’s EdCon to incor- of the Sydney University UN Society EdCon, the most important of which porate more Indigenous students, which participated in the Asia-Pacific Model were: was one of the big aims of the conference. United Nations Conference in Brisbane. Our venue was the University of 1. How to better incorporate Indig- Another goal of the conference is to set Queensland’s Great Court, which has enous knowledge into the university guidelines for the upcoming semester’s made a valiant attempt at being a curriculum activism. After lengthy discussions at the sandstone building but has managed 2. How to create more socially aware conference, the three pillars of national only a thin stone facade, weird cartoon- and responsible universities Student Representative Council policy for character gargoyles, and sculpted crests of other universities it could only dream 3. How to secure safer and more suc- the upcoming semester will be: Islamic Awareness Week kicks off of matching. Sorry UQ. cessful positions for indigenous students next Monday with lectures, stalls and 4. Working within the demand-driven 1. Justice for International students, fo- (potentially) free food organised by It was a fierce week of high-powered university system cusing on concession cards ‘SUMSA’, the Sydney University Muslim debate on international relations, 5. How to better utilise the Internet for 2. Fair education, focusing on HECS and Students’ Association. The awareness interspersed with a whole repertoire activism, recruitment and mobilisation deregulation week is run by respective associations of political euphemisms, aggressive 6. The Student Services and Amenities 3. Fair education on campus, facilitating in a lot of university campuses across rhetoric, and diplomatic back-channels. Fee activism about essential campus issues. Australia. These were all captured by an active press corps, with a conference-wide Twitter A number of important people spoke According to White, these three pillars are At USYD, events will run from the 10th feed relaying the best one-liners and tense at these conferences. For example, Dr. meant to be “flexible, so that campuses can to the 19th of this month (Week 3 and moments. Discussion was spread over Shanton Chang gave insight into the situ- do with them what they want”. 4). Opening with a guide to the qur’an, a broad range of UN committees: from ation of international students and Rod the events are mostly lectures, in the new the Security Council debating the Korean Mann spoke about the deregulation of the law building, that will give non-Muslims War – with the Soviets in the room this future of university funding. The aim of an opportunity to understand, question time – to the new Crisis Council, where and discuss an often misunderstood delegates managed to avert war in a faith. They’ll cover Islamic philosophy, simulation of the Cuban Missile Crisis, economics and discussions on its but allowed Kashmir to degenerate into contribution to scientific understanding. nuclear carnage. The Monday of Week 4 (17th) will also see Sydney has a strong record at AMUNC – a a debate jointly organised by the EU and reputation that has made us a target for SUMSA, which promises to be interesting rogue states. An ‘axis of evil’ comprising if not controversial. UNSW, Macquarie and UQ collaborated to kidnap Doc, our much-loved furry lion There’ll also be stalls set up around campus mascot, on more than one occasion. We distributing pamphlets, some food and still not sure what he was subjected to. providing students with members of SUMSA to talk to about the events or with Despite these potential war crimes, any questions about Islam. Sydney persevered. Under the leadership of the society’s executive and Head SUMSA is run like every other club or Delegate Angela Evans, we claimed society on campus with a small executive our third consecutive Best Delegation organising BBQ’s, lectures, social events title. A slew of delegates also picked up and daily prayers for its members. They individual awards: the Society would like can be contacted through their website: to congratulate Daniel Zeaiter, Misa Han, www.sumsa.org.au. Kath Wilson, Tim Bayl, Chris Hoy and Michael West, who were chosen as the best representatives in their committees. Lisa Cantlon, Alex Cordato, Matheus Yeo, Bec Beard, Leeanna Spencer, Georgie Skipper, Anna Gudkov, Ella Weisbrot, and Alexandra Lachsz received Diplomacy Awards. For a delegation filled with many first-time ‘MUNers’, this was a truly outstanding result. But the most exciting news was saved for the finale. After hundreds of hours of work and a 200-page bid document, Sydney won the right to host AMUNC 2010. Through our theme of ‘We the Peoples’, we hope to remind everyone of the active role they can play in the global community. It’ll be an intense week of quality debate, fantastic socials and inspiring guest speakers. Hope to see you there! For more information, visit our website: www.usydunsociety.org/amunc2010.

>05 The Great, Honourable Chinese historian LECTURER INTERVIEW Mark Di Stefano speaks to Professor John Wong about Chinese history No. 781 the Second Opium War (1856-1860) on In your lectures you stress that you China, he was captured and sent to India. teach Applied History, what does There, he starved himself to death by re- this mean? GPS fusing to eat enemy food. I believe that a Liberal Arts education is about training students to think for them- The Global Positioning System. We all In the time that you have been at selves and to solve problems in real life. It are familiar with it – most decent new Sydney, what have you seen as the is about making you highly skilled critical cars come with ‘satellite navigation’, major changes? thinkers and resourceful leaders. and the function’s there on most new Well, some of the major changes are in phones now as well. But what is it, and teaching styles. Back then, Sydney Uni- Do you often travel back to China? how does it work? versity offered an elitist education. Now, Yes. In the winter vacation, which has just it aims at a general education. So I have a ended, I went to the Pearl River Delta in Well obviously, it tells you where you delicate balancing act to do: I try to offer a South China, the so-called ‘Factory of the are, and it does it using satellite technol- Professor Wong, what brought you very high quality education to a very large World’. The great majority of the world’s ogy (duh). The terms GPS and sat-nav to Sydney Uni in 1974? student population. ‘HSTY2640 China in products are manufactured there. I want to are not however interchangeable – the Student demand – the Vietnam War the 20th Century: The Rise and Transfor- see how it is coping with the present global GPS is merely one of a number of net- created a strong desire to understand mation of Chinese Communism’ currently financial crisis. My travels enable me to works that can be used for navigation China. Professor Marjorie Jacobs of the has 125 students. But I insist on conduct- collect the most up-to-date research and purposes. However, because at 32 History Department took the initiative to ing all the tutorials and mark all the essays teaching materials for the China courses I operational satellites it’s the biggest, push for a position in Chinese History. and the exam scripts to ensure parity and teach. and hence most reliable network, it gets quality. I also want to see all students indi- used the most. Where were you working when the vidually about their work and indeed any In our long Australian summer vacations, job offer came to you? questions that they may have. I generally go to Europe and America in GPS began life as a military system (as At that time, I was a Research Fellow at St addition to China, also to collect the most do most satellite and other frontline Antony’s College Oxford. I had just com- How about in China, what are their up-to-date materials for research and technologies), and even today is still pleted my D.Phil. thesis there in 1971. My approaches to writing and reading teaching; and, of course, to consult with used by the US Defence Forces for navi- thesis was on a Chinese figure described history? colleagues about the cutting-edge theory gation. By the way, even felt like com- by a London Times’ war correspondent as Well, it has been an ever-evolving process, and practice of history. My China courses plaining that your sat-nav’s not accurate the Second Man of the Chinese Empire. He too. As you can imagine it is very different generally begin with Europe, because that enough? That’s because we all use the was of Prime Ministerial rank, and played to the West European academic culture. was where China has received the most civilian version, which is significantly a pivotal role in the survival of the Qing When Mao Zedong came to power, his first important impact, then and now. less accurate than the military version, Dynasty (1644-1912) by helping to sup- targets were the intellectuals. He wanted a which can determine positions to within press the Taiping Rebellion; he prevented Marxist interpretation of history, empha- Finally Professor Wong, who is your less than a metre. the administration, the economy and sising class struggles to the exclusion of favourite historian? the social fabric of Southern China from other historical approaches. When Deng I had to choose, it would be 18th century But whatever the version, the mechanics collapsing completely. He also had sole Xiaoping took over in 1978, his maxim was: British historian Edward Gibbon. of the system are the same – to find your responsibility for the conduct of China’s ‘To get rich is glorious’, with the concomi- position you need to be able to ‘see’ at foreign affairs. Alas, when Britain waged tant ramifications on historical studies. least four satellites. Ideally this means that from your position on the ground, three satellites need to be above a Horrorscopes? certain angle from the horizon to give a good enough signal. The receiver, be it Matt Gallagher is such a Libra. in your car, on your phone or wherever, Tired of my mundane and repetitively have put into your professional pursuits. informed me the “fags kill”, to which I receives a distance reading from all the disappointing existence, I decided that tersely replied that I was about to jump out satellites it can see – the more satellites, something had to be done. I decided it I was determined to get my name out into of a plane and thought cancer the least of the more accurate the reading. The or- was time for me to stop fighting fate, and the public arena today. Attempting to make my worries; My retort it turns out, was a bits of these satellites are all precisely time to follow the way of the astrologer. use of the Internet, I tried to spruce up my mistake. Having jumped out of the plane, I monitored and controlled, so that at any I gave myself one working week to see Facebook page, yet on account of my lack was surprised that not only had I managed given time the positions of all the satel- if horoscopes were the answer to my of having a life and constant Facebook to drive myself to do this act, I had also lites are extremely accurately known. yearning for meaning; the way to spice updates, the attention desired was not managed not to defecate myself in the If you know exactly where they are, up my life. achieved. Something had to be done and process. Today was a big success. and exactly how far they are away from quickly, especially to thrust me towards you, it follows logically that you (or your handy satnav) can then pinpoint your Monday my desired goal of fame. Thus, I decided Thursday You may have to defend your stance to take the road of Paris Hilton and star in Trying to immerse yourself in spiritual own location. today. Don’t back down. Your experience a homemade sex video. Admittedly it was pursuits could be interrupted. Someone and reasons for your strong assertions a solo effort, however within five minutes will confront you on religious matters or Unfortunately, my in-car GPS still will be respected even if everyone does not of posting the hastily compiled video, I on your views of how the world operates. can’t seem to get me onto the Harbour agree with you. was receiving emails from an infatuated Bridge from the north without trying to 43 year old Berliner named Hans asking Having read my forecast, I decided to send me through Mosman. So much for Spent all day inside today. In search of a me to come to his private Sexkeller. I think commune with God and stay in bed today. technology. chance to show my mettle, I went to my today was a success. If I didn’t get out of bed, then there would local pub, where there was bound to be a be no interruption. I was forced from my Simon Cowell disagreement. Somehow, I found myself Wednesday divan at 9am and confronted by Mormon in an ardent philosophical discussion with Something exciting is planned today. missionaries. Informing me that my bibli- a bricky named Huiamatua on the im- Don’t be scared, go along with the flow. cal interpretations were wrong and that I portance of the trade imbalance between Today will also see an important test of ought to learn of the tribes of Israel that China and American on regional security of character. Are you willing to take a risk? had lived on the North American conti- the South East Asian and Oceania Region. nent as was written by the prophet Joseph Fervently arguing my point, one of Huia- My brother in his infinite wisdom and be- Smith in the book of Mormon, I had finally We want your matua’s garbologist mates got involved by nevolence, decided it would be a great deal been shown the light and decided that it LETTERS& ARTICLES starting a brawl with a man who bumped of fun for a Christmas present, to send me was time to jump ship and do away with into him. All I remember after that was a skydiving with a gift voucher. Today was superstitions such as horoscopes. So send ‘em in chair flying towards me. Good discussion. the day, where I was to free-fall from an [email protected] aeroplane. In my pre-experience nervous Friday Tuesday state, I decided to light up a cigarette. As Don’t get up today. Don’t leave the house. Submissions must include your name, year and faculty. Don’t hesitate to get your name out into I was waiting around for my turn, the man the public. Make use of the Internet; You with whom it turned out I was to alight Unable to sit, I will say only this; I should will attract attention for the energy you the plane in tandem, came up to me and have listened.

>06 Celebrities in Politics Mind the gaffe.

you, consider for a moment that the in- even the individual’s fitness for office. This Kyle Sandilands: self-proclaimed The case for... volvement of celebrities in politics has put is in an age where news media is already noble knight pushing boundaries, at Katherine Connolly an Austrian bodybuilder/action hero in becoming more glitzy, more fluffy, less an- the vanguard of shock jock-ery? No, charge of the world’s third largest economy alytical and hell, just less smart. Celebrities no, he’s just an untalented potato- Politics in this day and age has become a who says things like “If I would do another take advantage of their notoriety and get an headed fuckwit. Usually content to cynical, jaded world of backstabbing, lying ‘Terminator’ movie I would have Termina- unfair leg-up over other hardworking citi- just be crass and boring, Kyle and his and less than average bone structure. The tor travel back in time and tell Arnold not zens who have devoted much more effort dim-witted sidekick Jackie O bullied everyday business of running the Govern- to have a special election”, and “To those and many more years to public service. a 14 year-old hooked up to a lie de- ment needs its spice back – what with critics who are so pessimistic about our tector to admit she was raped – all in the global financial crisis, North Korea’s economy, I say, Don’t be economic girlie Even if celebrities don’t themselves stand the name of amusing the low brow nuclear testing and Iran’s ‘elections’, things men!” That kind of political gold could for office, their involvement in political populace. The Prince of Douchebags’ are getting pretty heavy on the world stage, never come from your ordinary, garden campaigns of any kind is harmful. What response to this admission of sexual not to mention drab and unattractive. variety Republican Governor, so we should happens when a particular cause isn’t abuse? ‘Right… was that the only all keep blindly following the beautiful trendy anymore? What happens when experience you’ve had?’ Despicable. The only interesting things left are celebri- people who tell us what to do. your starlet spokesperson tires of the com- Don’t worry Kyle, Gaffeman is sure ties, whose shiny hair and well-toned phy- mitment? This will no doubt happen even- you’ll be able to find work elsewhere siques are a breath of fresh air amidst news tually. When an individual’s involvement as a professional bottom-feeder. stories picturing endless badly dressed amounts to nothing more than a petty dal- Iranians and Tamil fighters who’ve clearly liance designed to boost box-office takings, never seen the inside of a day spa in their the cause should expect to be deserted lives. Celebrities, however, have skin that when its usefulness to the celeb has worn glows with the ignorant conviction of the out. Further to that, it is wrong to effec- self-righteous, which comes across won- tively trick people into voting a particular derfully on camera. They can tell us all way or supporting a cause by having a about the Africans, or Cambodians, or celebrity front the campaign. Guaranteed whichever country Madonna has recently there were some in America who voted adopted from, we get to watch them and for Obama not because they compared the everybody wins! policies of the candidates and found John McCain wanting, but because Oprah told So let’s get this clear right off the bat - them to. Honestly, no caption needed. celebs bring the sexy to politics. If someone is going to rip off their shirt during a par- To permit the widespread involvement of When asked on Absolute Radio if he had ticularly heated protest, I would prefer celebrities in public life generates a culture a Twitter account, British Leader of the that person be Ewan McGregor rather where worthwhile causes, be they humani- Opposition David Cameron quipped, Fiscally and physically strong than someone who isn’t a tuneful Scottish tarian or political, have to cast around for “No I’m not on Twitter… too many twits Adonis. a celebrity, any celebrity, to support make a twat”. Afterwards, his press sec- their efforts. They need to do so in order retary lambasted him for using the word Celebrities also don’t know enough about The case against... to attract some sort of media spotlight ‘twat’, which those up-tight Poms con- sider to be a full-on swearword. Can’t a their chosen topic to bore us with mo- Bronwyn Cowell and popular appeal (which translates in notonous facts or statistics. Who better, dollars for their cause). The playing field man pun on national radio?! Gosh. for example, to address a congressional Politics is a serious business, of serious is permanently altered and a never-ending Democratic congressmen Collin Pe- subcommittee on the downside of coal people solving real-world problems. At race begins to find the hippest, hottest and terson from the 7th district of Minne- mining than Backstreet Boy Kevin Rich- least that’s what it should be. Allowing most palatable celebrity to appear in your sota showed little faith in his constitu- ardson? (The one with the creepy goatee). airhead celebrities to dabble in public ads and at your rallies. ents this week when he announced He’s gonna bring you the flavour show service when it suits their PR needs cheap- his dislike of town meetings. It’s true, you how… to reduce coal mining without ens the political system as a whole. Unfortunately, to ensure that the revolu- losing millions of American jobs! Cause tionaries, the firebrands and the compas- those pesky voters are dumb, but Pe- terson probably overestimated when coal mining ain’t nothing but a heartache. First, what of those instances where a ce- sionate can speak and act freely, we must he told Politico that ‘25% of my people Its that kind of searing analysis and irrefu- lebrity actually runs for office? Their public also extend those rights to Oprah, Jay-Z and believe the Pentagon and Rumsfeld table evidence that only a Backstreet Boy persona seeps into their political work, so Chuck Norris. An unfortunately large price were responsible for taking the Twin can bring. The congressional subcommit- media coverage of that celebrity becomes to pay for a free and open democracy. Towers down’. What? That’s what tee wouldn’t know what hit them. ever-more pop culture focused, obsessing Elvis told them to think. And he’s the over the celeb’s body of work and showbiz King of Rock AND Roll! And lastly, if none of this has convinced antics, rather than substantive policy or

Students’ Representative Council, The University of Sydney Nominations for the Students’ Representative Council Annual Nominations must also be lodged online along with your Elections for the year 2009 close on Tuesday 25th August 2009. policy statement and Curriculum Vitae (optional), by close Notice of 2009 Polling will be held on the 23rd and 24th of September 2009. of nominations at www.src.usyd.edu.au/elections. For more Pre-polling will also take place outside the SRC Offices Level 1 information, call 02 9660 5222. Students’ Wentworth Building on Tuesday 22nd of September 2009 from 10am - 3pm. All students who are duly enrolled for attendance at Signed Nomination forms and a printed copy of your online Representative lectures are eligible to vote. Members of the student body who nomination must be received no later than 4.30pm on Tuesday have paid their affiliation fees to Council are eligible to nominate 25th August, either in the locked box at the SRC Front Office and be nominated, except National Union of Students national (Level 1, Wentworth), or at the following address: Council office bearers. Fulltime officebearers of the SRC may also PO Box 794, Broadway NSW 2007. nominate as NUS delegates. Annual Election Nominations which have not been delivered either to the locked Nominations are called for the following elections/positions: box in the SRC front office or to the post office box shown above and submitted online by the close of nominations will not be (a) The election of the Representatives to the 81st SRC (31 accepted regardless of when they were posted. positions) (b) The election of the President of the 81st SRC The Regulations of the SRC relating to elections are available (c) The election of the Editor(s) of Honi Soit for the 81st SRC on-line at http://www.src.usyd.edu.au/sites/default/files/ (d) The election of National Union of Students delegates for the SRCconstitution_Aug07.doc.pdf or from the SRC Front Office 81st SRC (7 positions) (Level 1, Wentworth Building).

Nomination forms can be downloaded from the SRC website: Authorised by Christine Kibble, SRC Electoral Officer 2009. www.src.usyd.edu.au/elections, or picked up from SRC Front Students’ Representative Council, The University of Sydney Office (Level 1, Wentworth Building). Phone: 02 9660 5222 www.src.usyd.edu.au

>07 GOT A RUMOUR? David Barrow, NUS President and [email protected] Curtis Dickson, USYD student (and first dude of NUS) give their opinion on Gay Marriage.

SUBSKIer pays an almond-a-leg Get ya pun out David The SUBSKI executive met with SU Sport There are douches. Then there are douche- This weekend I was at the Australian Labor last Wednesday where they were told that bags. Then there are people who spend Party (ALP) conference when they refused the social side of the sporting club would their time changing Wikipedia entries of to endorse Gay Marriage. As a member need to be “more closely monitored”. In Union Board Directors to utterly unimagi- of the Labor Party and Rainbow Labor, I defence of the trip, SUBSKI President Ge- native versions of the same profane pun. was left feeling a little flat by my Party’s nevieve Faulkner-Firth claims, “it was an refusal to fully and equally recognise the isolated incident”. The SUBSKI executive, Since June 30, this last group have in- relationship I have with Curtis, my fiancée SU Sport and Pinewood all agreed that dulged in the pithy act of changing the of four years. However, progressive and Pinewood’s response was “in the heat of University of Sydney Union’s Wikipedia incremental changes were made to the the moment”. page, specifically the name of Courtney platform giving the unmistakable impres- Tight, to different permutations of the sion that the move within the Labor Party Fears that the purely student run club could word ‘cunt’. toward Gay Marriage is both inevitable What could possibly go wrong with face tough regulation in the aftermath of and unstoppable. Left Factional leader 130 Jager Bombs? the peanut incident have been allayed by The first was “Cunt Tight”, changed by and Federal Minister Anthony Albanese said as much. SUBSKI, Sydney Uni Boarders & Skiers SUBSKI with Faulkner-Firth saying, “we Usyd88. Wikipedia detected this in less Club, have faced SU Sport Administration are cooperating with SU Sport and provid- than a minute and promptly changed it ing them with detailed financial and pro- back. The second, two hours later, was As the National Union of Students (NUS) after an unfortunate incident involving a President, I was also at the NUS-endorsed cabin, Speights and peanut butter on their cedural documents so they can verify the “Cuntee Tight”. Wikipedia took 50mins efficient running of our ski club”. this time. Equal Love Rally that happened outside most recent Tour of Duty to New Zealand. the conference after the lacklustre amend- Without SU Sport support, SUBSKI would There was a two week hiatus, until Syd- ment passed. Surrounded by 1000 fellow After a particularly inebriated evening, queers angry at the position of the ALP, a group of Sydney Uni males went on a need to seek Union C&S support, result- neyuni1874 jumped on the douche train, ing in every member needing an ACCESS changing it first to “Cuntney Tight”, then I felt heartened that the community is rampage through A-block cabin, breaking moving even while Rudd remains stalled. furniture and putting holes in walls. Card. “Cuhnt Tight” and then “Kuhnt Tight”. Sydneysandpipers, not to be outdone, I also felt supported in my involvement within the Party – having seen that this If this was not enough, the young men If this occurred Faulkner-Firth believes fought back with the gem: “Cunteous “numbers would plummet threatening the Tight”. It reached a new low last week campaign will require action, outside and took a jar of peanut butter and spread it inside the Party. on anything they could find. Later that social side of the club and consequently when the entry was changed to “Cunt- the funding of our competitive team”. stinky Tight”. night another Sydney Uni male, who had Unlike in the US, where there are 1338 a severe peanut allergy, came home to the In spite of this, Pinewood Lodge have con- Here at Honi we deplore these acts of legal discriminations against queers at- peanut surprise and was thrown into ana- tached to marriage, the ALP has removed phylactic shock. firmed SUBSKI’s booking for next year, ce- delinquency, not just because it is an act menting, with peanut butter, an unbroken of petty time-wasting vandalism that only all of these discriminations in Australia. I partnership that has lasted an unbroken 13 serves to hurt the feelings of our glorious am undecided on the importance of the Fortunately for all involved he had an word “marriage”. EpiPen full of adrenaline handy and was years. VP, but because they have concentrated quickly stabilised. on the easiest target. Douchebags, try some other student politicians… Ultimately though, my relationship with Curtis is not defined by the state, it is Furious with the prank, Pinewood Lodge defined by our relationship with God Pat Bateman – Pat Baits-men Manager wrote a heated letter to VC and our church community. Our church Lizzy Watt – Jizzy Snot Michael Spence deploring the acts of (Ultimo Uniting) is likely to marry us Russell Schmidt - Rustle My-bits delinquency. before the state does.

Curtis It’s difficult to describe the profound sense of disappointment and sadness I feel over Being left-handed Kevin Rudd’s continued opposition to Giselle Kenny uses her infinitely stronger left hand to do things. same-sex marriage. I am a Christian gay man who has been in a committed rela- tionship with David for five years. This re- The left-handed have always been perse- something down? Don’t use a pen that’s wooden things that get used to shift them lationship has the support of our parents, cuted. Historically, the left hand has been remotely nice because it’ll be slightly inky, between cinemas run on tiny wheels that extended families, and friends. Even our associated with evil, enemies, bad luck and then the page will get all smudgy. can’t handle having one person use their church community values and respects and itchy rashes. Accordingly, left-handed Want to use a spiral notebook? Well, try left hand and the other their right. Want our relationship the same way they would kiddies were seriously punished for using and fit your clumsy mutant hand on the to do a rhythmic gymnastics group routine a heterosexual couple. Despite this in- their left hand and forced to use their left side next to the spiral because you at Nationals? Suck it, because you have to credible amount of support, which is a right, so as to shun the Devil and learn the can’t! Don’t even bother with scissors. learn all the tricks backwards by yourself source of strength for us both, it still hurts ways of righteousness. Right-eousness. Cruel right-handed scissors leave raggedy because your coach thinks it’s ‘your re- to know that our relationship cannot be Coincidence? edges that will undermine the quality of sponsibility because you’re the one who’s formally recognised by the government. every crafty endeavour. left handed’. Well, unfortunately we haven’t come I know that there is much debate within that far since the intolerant bad old days. Interacting with the right-handers is a Being left-handed is not a lifestyle choice. the queer community as to whether the Sure, left-handed people are now allowed minefield. Try to greet a right-hander with We’re here, we’re using our left hands to right to marry is even worth fighting for, to use their left hands to write and do a handshake and watch the awkwardness do shit, get used to it! Left-handed people but I believe it is. I also have hope that other things. But the tyranny of the right- unfold when you try and explain you’re of the world, unite. We’ve nothing to lose it is a change that will be achieved in my handed majority of today creatively mock not trying to hold their hand. How about but our chains – that have been made for lifetime. It may take a while though, and the left-handed in ways the bigots of yore a celebratory high-five? Try celebrating right-handed people, just like everything I have no intention of waiting for a policy never dreamed of – they were content to when the intolerant right-hander thinks else. change before I throw a big old-fashioned brutishly retrain, shun or kill the ill-fated you’re trying to smack them on the head. church wedding with all my friends and left-handed munchkin. family invited. Even esoteric work and recreation activi- Oh yes – today the left-handed are re- ties are ruled by the right-handed. Want minded that the world has not been made to work at a cinema? Don’t try moving GOT A BEEF? for them at every turn. Want to write any prints of films, because the stupid [email protected]

>08

Lecturer-cum-Author The end of print media? Paris Cowan hasn’t bought her readers yet - her lecturers won’t be happy Naomi Hart looks at how the Global Financial Crisis has affected the media, and how governments are responsing to the new stakes It’s the start of semester, and outside the of 800 enrolments, the amount of money Co-op Bookshop the line snaking from the involved is worthy of more attention. doors looks as though it goes on forever. The textbook shuffle will continue for days, Yet, this may be an overly simplistic view to maybe weeks; a steady stream of students take. Dr Sue Woolfe, whose book Mystery in, a steady stream of considerably poorer of the Cleaning Lady is the sole text for her students out. On campus, textbooks are unit ENGL6904 – Advanced Novel, denies big business, but like most business, the that royalties play a decisive role in text se- market is not always fair. lection. In many cases, she claims, the lec- turers concerned have a specific expertise This market for textbooks is in the hands in the field they teach that is not shared of those lecturers and course co-ordinators by many others. In such instances, there responsible for the various units of study, mightn’t be other texts available that cover and the compulsory reading material as- material that is essential to the course. Her signed to each. This semester’s textbook own situation illustrates this point. Both Help! I’m trapped under this pile! list reveals numerous of instances where Woolfe’s teaching and her book utilise the lecturer and textbook author are one and unusual combination of neuroscience and These days, you don’t have to ask a four- GDP (only one-third of one per cent) pales the same. How ethical is it for lecturers to literature to examine the creative process teen-year-old rape victim about her sexual in comparison to that of the financial set their own published work as a course behind writing fiction. “To my knowledge, experiences on live radio to find yourself sector heavyweights; they are not vital text? It’s easy to see this as a brazen cash- no other artist has recently, if ever, ex- fighting to keep a job in the media. Just job-providers, like the auto industry – in grab at the student’s expense. plored this question at length. If I don’t set ask one of the 16,000 people who were laid fact, newspaper employees make up only my text... I’m forced into doing too much off from American newspaper companies 0.2 per cent of the American workforce. Take for example Dr David Kinley, who photocopying - of my own work”. last year: one of the 300 at the Los Angeles But even if they don’t speak directly to is soon to become familiar to budding Times, the 205 at the Miami Herald, or the country’s bottom line, they enrich the lawyers taking LAWS6846 – Human Mr Saul Fridman agrees with Dr Woolfe. the 30 at the Wall Street Journal who lost United States in other ways: by facilitating Rights and the Global Economy, this se- While volumes he has contributed to their jobs during massive cuts. public debate, by fostering a sense of com- mester. His students will also be familiar feature on the book lists for both of the munity, by holding government to account with his book Civilising Globalisation, law units he lectures, he denies any fi- Several newspaper giants are struggling and thereby safeguarding democracy. $79.95 at the Co-op, which is compulsory nancial motivation. Fridman claims that to even survive. In response to crippling reading for the unit. his book Sports Law, which is used to debt, the New York Times announced The state of Connecticut flirted with the teach LAWS3087 - Sports Law, is the only last December that it was planning to sell idea of providing a conventional bailout Linguistics students studying LING7009 - comprehensive text available on the topic, and lease back its New York headquarters for the Bristol Press, but more imaginative Language for Specific Purposes - will need making it an obvious choice, regardless building. In January, it entered into an ideas have been floated. Perhaps the gov- to buy Working with Discourse, which will of its author. He adds that he does not agreement to accept $US250 million from ernment could set up a trust, similar to the set them back $69.95. The author of the require that students purchase either book, Mexican billionaire Carlos Slim Helú. Its foundation established by British philan- book, Professor James Martin, is also the despite the fact that they are both listed as cousin the Tribune Company, which owns thropist John Scott which has owned and lecturer for this course. compulsory reading material on the Co-op the Baltimore Sun, Chicago Tribune and appointed the editor of The Guardian since Bookshop website. Los Angeles Times, has not yet encoun- 1936. In March, Benjamin Carder, a Dem- Future auditors will need to hand over tered such a panacea, and has filed for ocratic Senator from Maryland, proposed $59.95 for Indecent Disclosure, a book Here lies the dilemma. Allowing course co- bankruptcy protection. the Newspaper Revitalization Act which partly written by their ACCT6007 – Con- ordinators absolute freedom with regard would allow newspaper companies to re- temporary Issues in Auditing lecturer, to textbook selection leaves the process It’s easy to point fingers at the GFC for structure as not-for-profit organisations Professor Graeme Dean. And the list goes wide-open to abuse. However, prohibit- the apparent demise of the newspaper and enjoy an assortment of tax benefits. on. ing coordinators from choosing particular industry. Of course, the credit crunch, Contributions to support news coverage or textbooks risks denying students access to dwindling consumer spending, and pinch- operations would become tax deductible, So should lecturers be allowed to assign the resource best suited to their course. ing-of-pockets in marketing departments and advertising and subscription revenues their own books for a course? In a usual (leading to slumping advertising revenues) would be rendered tax exempt. publishing arrangement, the author of a Professor Frank Stilwell, who teaches are all immediate contributing factors. book stands to receive between five and ECOP1001 and also authors the course text But realistically, newspapers aren’t failing Ultimately, such measures wouldn’t pri- fifteen percent of its selling price. In terms Political Economy, has taken this problem because individual readers can’t fork out marily target the biggest companies; there of course texts this can translate into into his own hands. He offers a five-dollar 80 cents for the weekend paper. will always be a mogul willing to bail out revenue anywhere from a few dollars to rebate, from his own wallet, to any student the New York Times. The real aim would fifteen dollars per book sold. For the author who can show him proof of purchase for The truth is that more people than ever be to bolster smaller regional newspapers of a textbook assigned to an obscure senior the text. This amount, he claims, is roughly before are reading the content of newspa- like the Rocky Mountain News and the unit, this may not provide much, but for equivalent to the royalties he receives from pers – but they’re doing it online, where Baltimore Examiner, both of which have those first year courses that boast in excess each book sold. While this is an admirable they don’t pay to read, where circulation is ceased daily production this year. These gesture, it isn’t a practical solution for a harder to quantify, and where bloggers rip publications pick up local news that is not campus-wide dilemma. off the material, making it less attractive published by the major papers. for advertisers to buy space. Neither do the answers appear within the A common concern – among bloggers, of lengthy tracts of University policy available Newspapers are repositories of high all people – is that allowing governments online, and the Vice Chancellor’s office has quality reporting and commentary. Unlike to subsidise or privilege newspapers would yet to make a comment on the aforemen- bloggers, their reporters are compelled to lead to political interference and so make tioned cases. abide by codes of responsible journalism, the press less free. Any arrangement and are sponsored to undertake substan- would have to protect against such an It is not easy being a student when it comes tial, risky, long-term research. Woodward outcome. The Newspaper Revitalization time to empty our wallets on the bookshop and Bernstein could only break the Wa- Act, for example, prohibits participating counter. The University has an obligation tergate scandal because the Washington newspapers from making political en- to protect students from any abuse of the Post funded their six-month investiga- dorsements, but otherwise leaves them to considerable power that lecturers and tion. Without newspapers, print journal- provide unfettered reporting on all issues. course coordinators hold. The trick, of ism would be a severely undernourished The Scott Trust appoints the editors of course, is for this regulation to take place profession. The Guardian but has no control over sub- without threatening the valuable expertise stance. Any bailout would have to come of our academics. Not an easy task, but an Whatever the cause of their maladies, with no editorial strings attached. important one nonetheless. struggling newspapers are ripe but un- likely candidates for financial assistance Newspapers aren’t just a comfortable piece by governments. They are not the eco- of nostalgia. They are vital to a functioning nomic powerhouses that have attracted democracy. If we let them die now, we will recent bailouts. Their contribution to regret it long into the future. >10 Austen Tayshus HONI EXCLUSIVE Allie Pollak chats to one of Australia’s most controversial and celebrated comedians.

So you’ve been in the spotlight for a club comedians, ‘two blokes going to the cover to cover. You need to bring the news mechanism to avoid seeing all the bogans few decades now. How did you catch bhar kind of thang’. No-one was talking currency to the shows. Australia is such a I was playing to, you know, to shield me your big break? about what was going on around the world. big place I spend the rest of my time getting against the screaming yobbos. But also to The change started with Steve Martin and to gigs. I take my Chinese writers with me give people a bit of a fright and scare them, I graduated from the Film and Television Robin Williams. I took cue and tried to who come up with material on the way to no one ever knows where I’m looking, it’s School in 1978. It all really began with focus on the immediate, the present. Now the show and keep me company while I great. Lindy Chamberlain losing her baby. Our the stand-up market has been flooded with drive. They give me a constant supply of first routine really grew from there and mediocrity. pressing material. No, really I get anxious Following from that terrible blind it happened to be at the same time as the about keeping the ball rolling. Making a joke, have you had any appalling opening of The Comedy Store in Jameson What about a change in global living for another 30 years. I have to create experiences when your just not con- Street, Sydney. My first stage name was events: wars, terrorism, celebrity, the demand myself, few people are lucky necting with the audience and no Isaac Cox. Why? Because it was funny. environment…? enough not to have to work at sustaining one is laughing? But not as funny as my second stage name demand. Austen Tayshus. It is obvious this name There’s a few Muslim comedians around Thousands of those. A thousand and one is fairly appropriate. It means an exhibi- now. Everything in world affairs is fair How have you managed to stay put after this interview. But you become accus- tionist and a showoff and that’s exactly game for comics. How you approach it I in the industry for so long? tomed to it right from the beginning. When what I am and what my character is. An would say is part of your style. My approach we were talking about Lindy [Chamberlain] aggressive, provocative challenging enter- has always been to provoke and to create a I don’t compromise. I haven’t given up. I a lot of the audiences became on side with tainer. ‘It fitted like a gloove.’ (American theatrical dynamic so there’s an unpredict- haven’t moved into radio or television. I her and would get really offended. Through accent). Australiana* grew over those first able element in the room. If people yell at haven’t been thrown those opportunities in those years of trial, we did many routines two years at the comedy festival. We love me and each other, the whole energy turns the first place because of the ‘nature of the and a lot of audiences were enraged by our poking fun at ourselves and Australiana round, it’s always fresh and new and very beast’. Lots of people think Austen Tayshus portrayal of the issue. But that’s all part of is a play on Australian culture. You know, much in the moment. Its all about the audi- is uncontrollable. That’s absolute bullshit. the job. how far can a din-go and how much can a ences reaction and really that’s what makes Like with Australiana or winning Tropfest koala-bear? We made it into a stage routine After all of these years of red velvet and then someone from Regular Records curtains, dimmed lights and crying came to see me. It was a new arena for victims, what’s next? someone who came from a Jewish back- ground which was darker and more ironic. My autobiographical, Billy Crystal-style But Australiana happened so quickly and it new stage show, called Fear Itself will just exploded. begin next year and it’s all about mimicry. It covers the whole Australian immigrant You must have become a celebrity experience. Our culture from the (in corre- once your record hit number one. sponding perfectly pitched accents) Jewish Do you think it went straight to your thing to the Greeks, Italians, Portuguese, head? Lebanese, English right up to the boat people thing. It will be based on the colli- I got a great sense of giant celebrity sions with the Australians that have been status. It was as quickly as one day having here forever, you know the convicts and nothing and then suddenly being hugely in these other younger immigrants. demand. I went through the whole process of celebrity, lots of attention and televi- There’s a famous saying that laugh- sion appearances on The Don Lane Show ing is the best medicine. Do you and of course on the talent show ‘You’re a think this is true and if so do you Star’. My stuff was edgy and controversial think there will always be a demand See how my beard complements my Wayfarers? and the talent show was middle of the for comedians? road stuff, so I didn’t win. I was and still am interested in upsetting and unsettling the show. Obviously dramatic issues or in 1998 with Paul Fenech for Intolerance, if In these troubled times, I, and we as an people. I try to push the envelope as far as events are the easiest to cause drama and I am working with smart people it’s going industry have never worked harder. Eve- possible and that format is rarely received provoke a reaction, so the current global to be an intense collaboration because of ryone’s fairly miserable and comedy is a well on television. climate doesn’t hurt. the nature of my routine but it’s going to easy and cheap way to lighten up which be productive. is what people need to do right now. It’s What is your advice to young people Are there any taboos in comedy? great having been in this industry for 30 trying to make it in the industry? Who’s your favourite comedian? years and done exactly what I wanted to Would you suggest following in your I don’t want to be unkind to the point that do rather than having compromised my footsteps by being as provocative as it’s a personal attack. Although I do that Barry Humphries. He wouldn’t give me the stand-up and done the weather for Triple J possible? sometimes, only if an audience member time of day if he saw me in a restaurant but or something like that. I’m a tough guy and attacks me first. Angle is everything. he’s an example of the type of comedian I I think there will always be a demand for Number one: Don’t get into it [the indus- love. Someone who’s highly educated, can comedians who are strong enough to be in try]. Number two: If you are going to get How do you choose who you pick be very silly, play a range of characters and show business. You just have to believe in into it and become a comedian you need on? really likes to get under people skin. Sandy yourself and be tenacious. to educate yourself. Knowing about what’s Stone, Lance Boyle and Les Patterson as going on in the world. You have to be I don’t pick on people unless they ask me well. They’re fantastic because they’re all Austen, Mr. Tayshus, it’s been a topical and have a whole range of subjects too. Unless they shout out “you’re not so provocative. Another one I love is Sasha scream. Thanks very much for your to utilise in your show. funny… I’ve seen you before.” People who Baron Cohen. Although he’s a comic actor time. want to draw attention to themselves and sketch comedian, I think of him like If you practice what you preach you usually shout out and I am more than he’s like my son. Proudly Jewish yet he’s *Australia’s first No.1 Comedy Single released in must have developed a huge knowl- July 1983. The record sold Double Platinum and happy to oblige. From that point onwards also provocative and loves danger. People remains the highest selling single in Australian edge of current affairs over the last it’s my duty to make them want to commit are shaking around him and I, we love it. Recording history. three decades. Through the eyes suicide. I work on them until they actually of a comedian, how has the world want to throw themselves off the bridge. You’re known as having a very dis- changed over the years? tinct style – particularly those Ray- Many people say that the life of a co- Bans, which you haven’t taken off for Australia has changed. I got older and the median isn’t as funny as it appears. 30 years. What’s with the glasses? world has become more complex. There What is a typical day for you? are very few great comedians around at the I’m blind. A lot of people in my shows ask moment. When I started in the industry, Not much. Getting up late is a good thing. me to take them off and when I do I roll stand-up comedy was in its infancy in Aus- Drinking lots of coffee. The first thing I do my eyes back and then they feel really bad. tralia. No one had moved forward from the in the morning is read every paper from (laughs) Look, initially it was a defense >11 Road trips are one of those things double bed, sink, stovetop and your recycling tax a.k.a one Come from up near Tulsa // that you always have such grand garish lime green and purple ticket per can. So quick I give you an ulcer plans for. paint job. 8PM Cruising at 110km/hr, we could Pros: It doubled as our transport bond deeply, solve the world’s and we could drive to strategic problems with grassroots curb spots each day to stay the initiatives, teach ourselves night. Japanese, buy fruit from the side But then there are those who Possessing the steeliest of of the road and sleep on the Cons: It wasn’t camping, and dress for gimmick. Cow suit? stomachs we started the day 7PM beach. therefore didn’t have the set-up Frog suit? Chicken suit? with a very special edition of shop, relax between sets, chill- The effect of this system was When night fell, and campers hair of the dog. The dagwood, out charm of the $130 spot on the mayhem. Skinflints ran around retreated to retrieve pea-coats a temperamental beast that Belongil Fields. the festival pilfering through and hoodies, we watched as threatened to re-emerge wheelie bins, approaching Chris Cheney, with his sperm throughout the day. This however, Saturday dawned and the drinkers and trading in time coloured hair, finish singing West was still highly preferable to the reality of a double day of heavy watching bands for time End Riot, and an excited crowd unholy crime against nature drinking time only felt real when aluminium scabbing. swell for Bloc Party. There were known only as the fish burrito. 6PM we joined the teeming mass of few better images than seeing Just don’t. 17,500 punters, with Superdry The other effect was that Kele Olkereke in full voice, In reality, having completed How bout we all dress as a Splendour came away with a smiling cheekily at a bustling If you like your t-shirts sloganed, these tasks (more or less) by the theme? Maybe slutty cops, slutty sustainable recycling system, crowd, and Matt Tong shirtless your wayfarers imitation and time we hit Hornsby, fuelled on nurses or slutty sluts? One group which promoted the humble furiously pounding out an electro have the same pants needs as 30 cent cones and the Hot Hits wore matching singlets with can to the same status as a gold beat. a Thai fisherman, then look no 1997, the trip degraded quickly the phrase “Splendour Denyer” coin/drink ticket. In the end, further, Splendour caters for you. 5PM into games of Spot the Innuendo after the ex-Sunrise weather Splendour recycled more than We bought a total of six pairs of and Name That Roadkill: reporter. Alex correctly yelled as 98% of cans sold, offsetting more sunglasses between two of us, they posed for another photo, “it than 630 tonnes of greenhouse partly due to each pair being “Bald Knob Head Road!” doesn’t even rhyme!”. emissions. Penny Wong take lost or trampled, but mostly to “A wallaby! A bandicoot!..Are longnecks in hand, marching up notice. keep up with the ever-changing you sure there are bandicoots in the highway bordering Byron. festival fashions. At twenty Australia?” Like every year, the Tipi Forest was dollars a pop, most of which I 4PM Outside the grounds, young the one that burst with a different suspect actually concentrated But after the 10 hour journey, we and old jockeyed good drug type of energy that captured our Stumbling away from a double the suns rays we paid the price rolled into our destination on a deals for themselves and their imagination and had us addicted. encore of hits, we joined the mass in more ways than one. Two ways Friday night and got slapped in With the bark strewn dancefloor bleary-eyed exodus. Red Bull actually, but who’s counting? the face with stereotype. Strolling enclosed within tall welcoming swished round in our deep-fried the streets we met Eric Roberts, trees, it once again served up lined stomachs, and told us that Meanwhile, locals and a Byron restaurateur who had After answering the rallying call the best acid house, acid rave, tomorrow would be another day. Sydneysiders dressed like locals 3PM been living in Byron for over 40 of Parlez Vous Francais? (Only acid hip hop and acid trance. The Another day of fishing, spitting, happily wandered like nomads years. Over the yells of a group of one girl took her top off to reveal common elements being young fucking, drinking. from tent to tent. rum drinkers, he told us that he an Elle Macpherson Intimates kids and old hippies on acid. welcomed the revellers. bra: “she probably learnt french friends. Fluoro boys shelved at private school”) we went to There’s an almost audible pills, and that hippie with her can on. groan heard around the Byron basket of homebaked goods still parklands on the Sunday of 2PM indiscreetly provided a kitchen What we ran into was a truly Splendour, as thousands of to tent service. Yet this year the ingenious, truly capitalistic, truly festival-goers rear their bleary chemical access was much less enviro friendly(?) system of heads and converge zombie-like in grill. alcohol distribution. on the township’s cafes. “It’s just a great atmosphere”, The figures support our Let me outline the Splend-onzi A middle aged backpacker set Byron resident David Halliday scheme: told us. “There’s no violence, “Yeah I think it is good. I have no observations - there were fire to her bra. 1PM problem with everyone invading 89 warnings for cannabis the people are friendly and Byron for a couple of days, cause possession and 129 unlucky • Purchase drink tickets. it’s always safe. There’s a real it is good for business, especially others who had to face court for These are $1 each and feeling of being lucky to be there on the Friday night,” he said. “But bought in their hundreds that’s shared by all, because it’s I am a bit of an exception that at numerous sites around so hard to get tickets’. way. ‘Old Byron’ hate the festival the festival. Like a casino After gulping down the and everything it brings with it.” fooling problem gamblers unfertilised progeny of the Kate Newton, who runs the social 12AM with chips, the tickets region’s chickens with hundreds website Get Out At Byron, said After a judgemental stroll we distorted true value making of litres of orange juice, those “the crowd seemed a little less overpurchasing and An adolescent from Byron wore with houses smugly bathe and trashy, and not as much fluoro overestimating the value of his shoes on his hands and fell pack lunches while the camping fashion as last year, thank god. pills and powder. One creepy 30 your wallet a pitfall. to the ground, possessed by a community shut their eyes and I love that I can live in such year old was busted with 120 pills • Use drink tickets to buy demon. gallop towards Nature’s Shower, a beautiful location, and still drinks at a separate location have access to such awesome on his person. Unlucky, champ. the ocean. 11AM (get in another large line). All the while a slightly overweight lineups.” The first thing you notice about • Pay a compulsory extra and lad-attired rapper named And so, with today’s planner the diverse Splendour crowd ticket for every drink Tommy Gunn MC delivered the in our hands and yesterday’s But underneath the carefully is that they are dressed like purchased as a ‘recycling thought provoking lyrics: mud on our feet, we make the cultivated Splendour vibe lies a retired for the evening to our Jucy any other music festival: denim tax’. pilgrimage back up Ewingsdale huge legal battle between Byron Campervan. Like a glammed-up shorts, sleeveless top, flannelette • Drink up! I been round Byron my whole Road towards Belongil, clutching shire residents, the local council sister of the Wicked Campervan, shirt for warmth and covered • Take your empty cans to the living // Fishing, spitting, fuckin, longnecks like a lifeline. and the North Byron Shire the Jucy Van was complete with rabens. recycling centre to redeem drinking// Parklands group, who plan to

>12 Another year, another Splendour. The festival that is just as much a celebration of gumboots as it is of music came and went, leaving a trail of musos, hippies and indie kids in its wake. With a less than average line-up MARK DI STEFANO and ALEX LEE went along for the ride and dug up the dirt under the grass.

+THE MUSIC AWARDS+ WITH JONNO SEIDLER

move the festival to a permanent Nevertheless, it seemed like The Makes-the-Kids-Go The Homecomin’ position further north at Yelgun. everyone in the Byron shire -Bonkers Trophy Chalice had been given a job, with a 8PM Art vs Science Charged with THE hilltop hoods Who- Having bought this land, the contingent of locals in fluoro an undeniably un-coveted open- ever said Aussie hip hop is dead organisers plan to have an almost vests emblazoned with baffling ing afternoon slot, the Sydney should have been at the Hoods’ constant rotation of festivals at labels like “Fire Marshall” (a trio brought the house down with epic closing show, eating their this site and to make it Australia’s friendly middle aged woman stadium stylings that would make words while the rappers spat Glastonbury. whose only job it seemed was Muse and the Presets proud. With choruses big enough to flatten an theirs. With custom visuals for each song, a catalogue of incendiary to smile at people) and RSA elephant and lyrics easy that a chimp could remember, these guys hits and great audience rapport, MCs Suffa and Pressure charmed Marshall who so very clearly 7PM According to Ri Fraser from aren’t just superstars in the making, they’re already there. the surging tent and left punters on an unmatchable high. True tal- CONOS (Conservation of North was not doing his job (unless of ent isn’t made, kids, it’s born in Adelaide. Ocean Shores) this would be course he was the marshall of nothing short of a disaster. the Republic of South Africa, in which case he did his country proud). The Best Sound Mantle The ‘Two Encores’ Sash “We’re a quiet little community, THE DOVES With notoriously Bloc Party As Kele Okereke yet we get the full brunt of the drunk and/or stoned mixers and joked with the crowd and pulled 6PM noise, the behaviour, the rubbish sound engineers battling to cre- out some rare B-sides, Bloc Party found in the streets. People camp ate audible tunes through twenty finally surpassed their Brit-pop illegally, leaving mess, peeing megatons of speakers and ca- pigeonholing to boast a show and crapping on our gardens,” bling, Doves shone at the festival that inspired pretty much every- she said. with their remarkably crisp set body in the Big Top. Helicopter’ and mastery of stage technology, much of which has made them and ‘Banquet’ provided the kind of festival experience well worth The proposed site is also so popular. Dishonorable mentions go to whoever was in charge the ticket price. Even after Jane’s Addiction pulled out, there was further from town, lacking the 5PM Security at this year’s Splendour of Friendly Fires, who had to restart songs due to sampler glitches enough star power surrounding these London lads to make up for infrastructure and services to twice. the alt-glam absconders. deal with such an influx of people was tight, with heavy fines for and equipment throughout the fence jumpers, D-barricades year. Of more concern to the that split the crowd in the main tent and burly security guards The Most Overrated- The ‘People Like Me community is the effect on the Outfit-on-Earth Wooden Cause I Remind Them of environment. linking arms forming human walls to stop the surging crowd Spoon Nick Cave’ Ashzztray MGMT Undeserving of the main- JACK LADDER This guy sounds 4PM “This site is a nature reserve, entering seemingly arbitrarily stage, where they shamelessly way sexy on record; a baritone a koala habitat and the last allocated spaces on either side ripped off the Beatles and proved honey voice from heaven. Then remaining wildlife corridor from of the stage. that there is such a thing as a ‘two you see a skinny white guy trying the inland to the coast,” Fraser hit wonder’, MGMT were woe- to have an epileptic fit on stage said. A barricade-jumping market soon developed, with Honi fully lacklustre and uninteresting at best. Even the dedicated hip- whilst coming off a bit too much like that guy whose always the last sters couldn’t stomach their flimsy set, with a mass exodus as soon person to leave the bar. Add that to the fact that most of his band Some younger residents are less witnessing some surprisingly 3PM as ‘Electric Feel’ ended. This is why we don’t always listen to NME were pensioners, and you’ve got the kind of frame-shakin’ boogie- concerned, “Regular festivals cogent MGMT fans swapping and Rolling Stone; these guys have the live presence of a bunch of woogie that hasn’t been in since Prohibition. would brighten the place up a coke bottle full of vodka for five year olds. and make this area a worldwide a leg up over the fence. Later cultural window” said Halliday. that night during the Flaming Lips, we stood near a gap in The Most Phenonomal The Little Band with Big Others such as Elissa Harris the fence playing an endlessly New Band Sound are happy to host festivals once entertaining game of “Will THE MIDDLE EAST This Towns- Little birdy It wasn’t really 2PM a year, but “I don’t really want They Fit?” as some of the more ville group is an all-singing, hard to compete with Little Red 14 festivals a year bringing a rotund patrons tried to squeeze multi-instrumental revelation. (playing at the same time), who transient festival party trashy through to the orgiastic Delicate folk, impassioned pop are still pulling the 1960s power- mode to my fave spots.” wonderland of the headlining and seriously good stage pres- pop shtick over a year into their act. They pulled out all the ence left an already interested career, but the band helmed by Although CONOS has managed stops, with huge coloured balls crowd desperate for more. A quasi-religious experience, complete Luke Steele’s hotter and more talented younger sister showcased to defend their cause at the Land floating over the bedazzled with trumpets, glockenspiels and banjos. They’ve only got one EP a remarkably mature sound. Katy (that’s the little sis) came out all 1PM and Environment Court, meaning crowd. Cows and frogs danced out at the moment, but it’s enough to get you through the rest of guns a-blazing with their new Motown record, and exploded out of the event remained at Belongil on stage, the band emerged winter. Simply breathtaking. the Green tent almost as rapidly as Luke’s ego. this year, the property group from a pulsating vagina on the screens and we understood, as one, why they were called the The International vs ‘The ‘We-Are-Willing- Flaming Lips. National Band Clash to-Sacrifice-Our-Band- The mid-year placement was Member’s-Health-for- 12AM the perfect time for some of Aus- Fame’ Award tralia’s biggest and brightest to BLUE JUICE Not that this is a dif- test out new material and rock out ference from any other year. Hell, with abandon in front of a devoted the band’s new single ‘Broken audience. Kisschasy impressed Leg’ is dedicated to crazy front has ignored protests and gone with a larger than life set, bluejuice inspired mass moshing in an man Jake Stone, who manages to injure himself at pretty much eve- straight to the NSW Government hour comprised of mostly untested new material and Midnight ry bluejuice gig, and then show up at the next ready to rock out on 11AM to have their application Juggernauts premiered some killer new cuts off their soon to be crutches. On a similar note, bluejuice audiences seem to enjoy get- approved. Where Splendour will The next day we shook the released, long-awaited sophomore record. There was barely ting each other’s shoulders, so my brother and I should, by rights, be next year is anyone’s guess, dirt from our shoes and the any time to check out acts from the Mother Country, but nobody share this award with the band, after a humongous fat girl nearly fell but it was obvious that there dreams from our heads and seemed to mind... on us halfway through a particularly rousing finale of ‘Vitriol’. was an ulterior motive to the hopped back in the Jucy to enviro initiatives , to smooth over another semester of uni and tensions with the community. a looming feature article. Too self-referential? Do shut up, we’re very tired.

>13 Sarah Palin NASA OPINION resigns, citing announces Australia needs ANNABEL unfair media plans to explore to give me all of CRABB criticism like moon in 2020 its blood, right the whiney little to retrieve now biatch she is minerals, Buzz Aldrin’s keys

Annabel Crabb, scuttling for her life

Dear Diary,

It’s Annabel again. Isn’t it funny how I always introduce myself to my own diary? I know, it’s pretty strange, but don’t blame me, diary. It’s been a hard day.

No, no more. I guess I’ve got to come clean and admit something that nobody can ever know to the only thing I can My fellow Australians, it is with a grave trust - you, diary. They say that political solemnity and an undying thirst for columnists dig more shit than politicians the blood of the living that I implore themselves, so we do get a little paranoid NASA officials have publicly announced you, from deep in my cold, still heart about getting shit dug up around us. plans to send a manned shuttle to the – to give me all of your precious blood. moon by 2020 in order to collect mineral Well, I keep seeing these threatening little and soil samples and the keys of former In these turbulent times we must not red eyes staring through me on the street, astronaut Buzz Aldrin. focus of what separates or divides us, but belonging to junior Labor droogs decked rather what unifies us as nation – the out in the latest ill-printed t-shirt. It’s all pure, delicious blood coursing through our true, you puny pre-pubescent punks! You NASA emphasises that the retrieval of the veins – blood that you must not greedily did all fall asleep during the Ruddfest Na- house, car and boat keys, which Aldrin is “85% sure” were left somewhere between hoard in your feeble bodies, but give up to tional Conference. You were all wearing Sarah Palin, former Vice Presidential the Sea of Tranquillity and the Descartes me immediately. the same suit! nominee and Governor of Alaska, has Highlands, is not the primary goal of the stood down like a shrill, whinging harpy, Like so many of our choices as Australians, And its not just them who’re after me. $213 billion operation. after stating that the media were unfairly the decision to feed me the blood of Those angry Libs are after me too. What? attacking her and her hillbilly family. every man, woman and child is one not I’ve just been saying what everyone’s “Buzz called us up,” said Michael Griffin, to be made lightly – but still one to be thinking: I’m extremely funny and clever NASA’s Head of Communications and The 45 year-old politician, quitter and made swiftly as the full impact of the and Malcolm Turnbull is a gadget-loving Public Affairs, “and sort of indicated that secret ex-Nazi (probably) implored Global Financial Crisis and Van Helsing name-dropping climber. Those smug, if we were thinking of going back, maybe various media outlets to ‘quit making approach. We must put aside our partisan tight-lipped little operatives know the we could have a poke around for his [lost] stuff up’ in broad, sweeping and accurate differences and realise that this is an game is up. They’re after me and my keys. We told him we’d pick them up if we attacks on her character. issue that affects not just a few, but all the inexhaustible tsunami of well-timed saw them.” rats, wolves and creatures of the night in witticisms. Palin, who began her epic whine about But not all are as keen as Griffin, many my command. Look deep into my eyes biased media coverage in early 2008, calling on Aldrin to make absolutely sure Australia and you must agree, you must Is there anything they won’t do? handed over the Governorship to Sean that he’s looked everywhere, urging the 79 agree for you are now under my power. Parnell during a speech last week, year-old ex-fighter pilot to “look behind You’ve got a lock though, diary... and I do warning the assembled press to stay clear the couch” and “check all of his pockets, keep you in the footwell of my desk. You’d of personal attacks on her successor. even the pockets of older pants”. be pretty crazy to go near my feet for all Parnell, who has never been embroiled that shit. Or my shit for those feet in the in a state-wide corruption scandal, thinks Aldrin remains steadfast in his convic- way. the earth is over 4000 years old and prob- tion of the importance of the retrieval ably knows where Cambodia is, has little mission. “It is in our human nature to But anyway - if anything happens to me, cause for concern. diary, you’ve got to keep this secret. My explore new boundaries, continue to name isn’t actually Annabel Beverley discover new frontiers and unlock our June Crabb. I didn’t grow up anywhere front doors without pestering our wives near South Australia, nor am I really a or neighbours.” journalist at all. My whole backstory is an elaborate series of lies maintained “They should be easy enough to find,” over many years to cover the tracks of my continued Aldrin “[my keys] are on a mission from the planet Crabb Leviticus We want your Nixon/Agnew 1968 keychain, with a Bora Volkswagen. LETTERS& ARTICLES miniature moon key-ring my nephew So send ‘em in gave me for luck.” After a pause, Aldrin I am known as Eor, ageless beyond the continued, “The moon key-ring shouldn’t memory of the sun and wiser than a hall [email protected] be confused with the real moon – which is full of Noam Chomskys. I came to keep much larger”. the bastards honest... but I fear I am too Submissions must include your name, year and faculty. late. The enemy have the appearance of Michael Collins also has requested NASA humanity - but they really are reptiles look for his wallet. “Yeah right,” said masquerading in the skins of the fallen. Griffin “like that loser was ever on the I have to stop now, diary. I hear them moon”. coming. They are coming.

>14 Period Parties AVOIDING Alice Dixon explains how this awkward time of the month can be a blast! AWKWARDNESS than around the issue of a little monthly event. Period parties encourage the belief bleeding. In some Theravada Buddhist that not only should you not be scared of AT END-OF- groups women are forbidden from hanging your cycle, you should be proud of it. SEMESTER their laundry above men’s, lest the ‘infec- tion’ spread to the monks. In the Eastern Period parties are not a strict ritual, though TUTORIAL Highlands of New Guinea women are the ones I’ve attended have followed a DRINKS forced into menstrual huts once a month formula, a women-only guest list, Neil for fears that contact may impregnate Young’s Girl, You’ll Be a Woman Soon AIM men. In Australia, men’s ignorance often playing on repeat, a gift giving circle in The traditional end-of-semester drinks results in them feeding tampons (still the which red themed presents are accom- for tutorial groups is fraught with the po- victim of GST!!) to your pet cat, just as we panied with anecdotes on the wonders of tential for lasting embarrassment, as a Why Gladys, your period is absolutely start surfing the red wave. woman hood. For some, period parties should celebrate not only the arrival of direct result of the awkwardness felt due delightful today! our new friend menstruation, but become to contributing in class x the attraction This fear, equally born out of ignorance and alarm is understandable. Periods are a monthly event. Stories recounted on the (or lack of attraction) to the members of one of the rare phenomena that are totally web place the focus firmly on honouring the tutorial, with the contributing influ- Period Party gender specific. As the old adage goes, the female body. Don’t think however this ence of alcohol consumed in sizeable Function: noun while both sexes are breeders, only women is a humourless event. ‘Be wary of bears’ is quantities. In a nutshell, the situation are bleeders. Yet from this, dare we call it a regular joke associated with the event. represents an unholy conglomeration of 1. A collective celebration of a specific his- torical period, or art or literature from or patriarchal fear, comes a strange conse- the best and worst things at University. quence, women are ashamed and repulsed So ladies, own it. Men, accept it. And for The aim of this experiment is to identify devoted to that historical period. See also the Darcy Society - Sydney University. by what is not only a normal bodily func- earth mother’s sake, can we please give the possible ways of avoiding the spectre tion, but also one vital for the continuation phrase, ‘welcome to my maxi-pad blood of awkwardness and embarrassment at 2. A Pagan/Wicca festival of an adolescent’s of our humble species. bath’ some positive connotations! drinks. entry into the menstrual cycle. Regarded by some to be a Western form of female in- Luckily pagan religious communities, such METHOD itiation, integral to achieving womanhood. as Wicca sects in the Blue Mountains have 1. Before the end-of-semester drinks, See also Red Parties, Menstrual Huts thought up an antidote to this cultural re- identify the potential hazards you may vulsion. ‘Period Parties’ are a celebration encounter. These include, but are not Ah, the menstrual cycle - the ultimate of when a young girl starts menstruating limited to, a) nobody speaking, as usual, weapon in female possession. Never has for the first time. They hope to counter not b) everybody bar you, one loser, and fear and fascination united with such force only the stigma of the period, but also the the tutor leaving early due to the fact fear associated with this new and emotional they ‘drove into uni today,’ c) typical student alcoholism, d) typical academic alcoholism, e) The tutor revealing every inconsequential detail of their love lives across the course of the drinks, gradual- Picture Books ly developing into a juggernaut of awe- some overshare that affects your abil- > Where the Wild Things Are, M. Sendak (1963) ity to relate to them in further academic For all his mischief in that iconic wolf suit, Max is sent to bed without supper. The angry little guy sets sail for the fora or as a functioning human being, f) land of the monsters, but gets homesick and returns to find his supper waiting. With a stream of consciousness style That cute girl/boy that you have been of language that sets a dreamlike tone, readers are transported away from their troubles, only to be reminded that casting lingering glances at over the they’re not so bad and supper’s waiting. Sendak originally planned to send Max off to be with horses, but shifted past ten weeks reveals the presence to the loveable beasts when he realised that he couldn’t draw the former. His creations are rebellious and fun and of a significant other. g) Getting mind- remind all that a good old-fashioned wild rumpus is needed every now and then. bendingly drunk as a direct result of (a),(b),(c),(d),(e) and (f) and revealing > The Red Tree, S. Tan (2001) your honest opinions on the quality of Inspired by the experience of depression, Tan’s masterpiece trails a lonely red-haired girl who faces hardship at teaching in the course. every turn, but is steered by a hope that is eventually rewarded. The text is sparse and the book seems painful, a stark change from most upbeat picture books. But it is in this respect for a child’s ability to handle a story that’s a 2. Having identified and listed the po- little darker that The Red Tree comes into its own. The book’s message is communicated flawlessly through the tential hazards, make a value judgement incredible artwork of Tan. It is extensive, emotive, and allows audiences young and old to connect with a book that about whether the benefit of attending would not seem out of place in a modern art gallery. the drinks outweighs the risk of being > Oh, The Places You’ll Go!, Dr Seuss (1990) embarrassed. Previous research sug- While almost any of Dr Seuss’ works could take a place in this list, Oh The Places You’ll Go! slides on with its infec- gests the contributing factors to the tiously optimistic vision of potential and the realisation of dreams. The familiar graphical style of Seuss works well judgement are heavily reliant on the to carry the air of joy and fancy, but unlike other books of his, Seuss employs a definite narrator in conversation level of physical (un)attraction to mem- with the main protagonist – the reader. This technique places you at the centre of the story, and engages you in its bers of the drinking group, though a message of success. Oh, the Places You’ll Go! was the last book published while Dr Seuss was still alive so holds a concrete conclusion for attendance is special place in the hearts of his fans. essentially variable. > The Very Hungry Caterpillar, E. Carle (1969) 3. Having made your qualified judge- This is the simple story of a hungry caterpillar that spends seven days chomping down on tucker before forming a ment, attend the drinks. In the spectrum chrysalis and emerging a beautiful butterfly. The story is about change and beauty, but it also helps children develop of emotional responses, the probabil- counting and reading skills as well as the knowledge of concepts such as days of the week. On average, a copy of the ity of your having a good time hovers book has been sold every single minute since it was first published, with over 30 million sitting on children’s shelves around the 50% mark. Make peace with the world over. Author Eric Carle is said to have been bored and hacking through paper with a hole-puncher when the inevitable crushing hand of Fate. the idea for the book hit him. CONCLUSION > Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, J. Viorst The outcomes of the experiment suggest (1972) that the only way to avoid ‘awkwardness’ Judith Viorst’s little Alex struggles through the worst day ever – gum in his hair, no prize in his breakfast cereal, in this fora is a policy of abstinence. kissing on TV – but in overcoming it all, he quips, “My mum says some days are just like that.” Such simplicity goes In the purview of harm minimisation, a long way to cheering up the bad days of young and old and that is what this playful book does. The surly looking however, steps that can be taken to Alex is captured well in the book’s line drawings, making him an endearing grump that all can relate to. As things avoid the feeling of embarrassment and go from bad to worse, it is sage motherly wisdom that reminds us that sometimes we’ve just got to cop bad days. awkwardness that come from the many The book suggests Australia is a land of solace from such troubles - this section re-written for the New Zealand hazards that present themselves. In this version. regard, further research is required. >15 PRESIDENT’S REPORT Report of the SRC President, Noah White//[email protected]

Imagine if Sydney Uni shut down tomor- ing bad it means that the directors will What this example is a symptom of, row. You would loose your place at a cut and run leaving hundreds of staff however, is a much wider problem. It NOAH’S KITCHEN university and the time and effort you and students in the lurch. This happened is the third such private college to close Sorry to everyone who missed my recipe last week. Semester just crept have put in over the past few years you at Sterling College last week. Sterling its doors in recent times (one that closed up on me and I didn’t even realise it have been at uni would have been a College is a private vocational College in Melbourne recently charged the stu- was coming. This is something I made complete waste. The money you have in Sydney that offers courses in Cookery, dents their fees on the day before they last night (and stole out of a recipe spent on textbooks, readers, photocopy- Hairdressing, English Language and declared themselves bankrupt) and there book and modified, thank you BBC ing and, not to mention, tuition fees Financial Services. are more closures on the horizon. There Good Food: Cheap Eats). It is mint and chicken pasta. You can really use any could probably have been better spent are 400 000 students in private college pasta for this but the bigger the better because you won’t be getting to shake After collecting fees from students only around Australia almost half as many as the sauce is quite chunky, Riga- the Chancellor’s and pick up your cer- just over a week before the closure the university students. toni (which is like a bigger version of tificate anymore. college has shut its doors with many stu- penne) is good. dents only weeks out from completing These colleges exist in a largely un- You will need: Not going to happen, I hear you say. their courses. The peak body for many regulated environment. It is time the Well that’s probably true and probably such private colleges, the Australian Australian governments, both state and 3-4 chicken breasts (depending on has something to do with the fact that Council of Private Education and Train- federal took some responsibility for the how big they are), diced the University is relatively old, has lots ing (ACPET) has said that they will offer $15 billion dollar industry that interna- 200ml chicken stock 400g pasta (rigatoni) of money, is very big and owned and the displaced students a place at another tional education is. Students that come ¾ cup chopped mint funded by the Government. Therefore it ACPET member college. to Australia to study need guarantees 200g cooked peas is in a fairly stable position, you know that they are going to get a fair go and 1 sliced capsicum that when you start a degree and you There is however uncertainty as to how that they are going to get what they paid 1 diced onion 2 heaped tablespoons wholegrain invest your time and money into your long this will take. The Students will in- for. Unscrupulous education providers mustard studies, that you are almost guaranteed cur the extra costs of their extended stays should not be allowed to exploit their 3 crushed cloves garlic a result at the end. and even though the students will not customers, it wouldn’t be allowed in 200ml fresh cream incur additional tuition fees at their new any other industry and it certainly would Some olive oil However this is not so for many students institution they will most likely incur sig- be allowed to happen to an Australian Cook the pasta in salted water. First in tertiary education and the situation nificant extra costs because of essential citizen so it should be happening in brown the capsicum in a pan with oil I described above is a reality for 600 course materials they will have to buy at these private colleges. and then set aside on a plate. Cook international students. These students, their new course. Some estimates of the the chicken and the onion in the pan. however are not from a large, stable, extra costs put it in the thousands. Throw in the garlic when the chicken is nearly cooked. government funded institution; they are from a small private college set up purely What is more of a problem is that for When the chicken is cooked through to generate profit for the shareholders at some of the courses there is equivalent add the stock to the mixture. Let it boil all costs rather than to offer some king of offered in Sydney and the students may and reduce by half (there should be genuine educational experience. be forced to move interstate (they will half as much liquid as before). Once the stock has reduced add the mus- not be provided with compensation for tard, mint, cream, capsicum and peas, This means generating profit even if it relocation costs or for the costs of break- stir through and let the mixture simmer means completely unethical treatment ing rental agreement or other contracts). for a few minutes. of these students. When things start go- Once it is done add the drained pasta, stir through and it should be ready EDUCATION REPORT Report of the Education Officers, Elly Howse and Rosie Ryan//[email protected]

Hopefully your first week back at uni went Bruce Chapman, the brains behind HECS, But it’s all downhill from there… in well and maybe your lecturers won’t be recognised there were serious budgetary 1996, the lovely Liberal government de- quite as boring as last semester. constraints upon the government. These cided to substantially change the HECS constraints indicated that it would be system – for the worse of students. HECS On the weekend, Rosie and I went to a quite difficult for the government to charges increased by about 65% from forum on HECS. It got us thinking about solely provide and cover a significant ex- the original flat rate. Three HECS bands a lot of issues to do with HECS and con- pansion of the higher education system. also appeared, which decided how sidering this is the time of the semester much you had to contribute depending where you either have to a) pay upfront From 1987, a $250 per annum per stu- on what kind of course you studied. your uni fees or b) put it all on HECS, we dent charge was introduced. A commit- What else happened? The government thought it would be important to give a tee set up to investigate the possibility of decided to make students pay back their bit of a backgrounds to why the hell the further student contributions concluded course costs at a faster rate. The income government makes you pay anything at that higher education users should be repayment threshold was lowered from all. expected to contribute about 20% of $28,495 in 1996-97 to $20,701 in the average total costs met by the Fed- 1997-98. From when the scheme was A Short History of HECS eral Government for higher education. originally introduced, every year the In 1989 on the 1st January, HECS was costs and repayments were indexed. So From the election of the Hawke Labor officially introduced. basically, every year they rose a small government in 1983, there was discus- amount. sion about the various ways in which At least the government and its committee education could be extended to even recognised that payment of upfront fees If you want to know more about this more groups in society – like the eco- would be a significant barrier to those scheme and its history, we recommend nomically and socially disadvantaged, from low socio-economic backgrounds. the Department of Employment, Educa- mature aged students, women etc. A Instead they came up with an idea that tion and Workplace Relations (DEEWR) skills crisis meant that it was essential students pay 20% of the actual average website, the Universities Australia web- for higher education in Australia to be as course costs. You would get a discount if site, or of course, Wikipedia. available as possible, to whoever wanted you paid upfront. This way, the govern- it. There was a rising student demand ment thought that paying for the cost of Or you could come along to the Educa- and particular labour market conditions your higher education wouldn’t neces- tion Action Group. We meet 1pm every which pushed the government towards sarily deter you if you were from a low Tuesday on the Front Lawns / Chancel- the most equitable system possible. Their SES background. lor’s Lawns. See you there! solution? HECS.

>16 GENERAL SECRETARY’S REPORT Report of the General Secretary, Russel Schmidt//[email protected]

Welcome back to another semester of the proverbial ball in your court. elections that take place all at once; one club, rock up, vote or even run for a po- tuning out in lectures and reading my for Honi Soit, this newspaper; one for SRC sition. The other way to engage with the words o’ wisdom. For my throngs of The University Council, the supreme decision making Union (apart from running for the Board) fans, I must apologise for the absence Students have an important role to play body of the SRC; one for NUS delegates, is to run for a position as a Convenor of of a report last week but I was trying to in keeping the bastards honest. There for people who are a) in a faction and, b) a forum. These positions are often paid spread the love around the newly refur- are quite a number of student positions have a desire to go to the National Union and require a significant time commit- bished SRC. to be elected that have a formal role of Students’ Conference; and finally for ment and are also highly competitive. within the University, starting with SRC President. The SRC is the Student I am sure that you’ve been told this ad Departmental and Faculty Boards. These Representative Council and acts like a The thing that traditionally makes it hard nauseum, but your experience at Uni- bodies make decisions about issues really, really feeble parliament in terms to get involved is that these positions all versity is what you make of it. Election specific to each discipline and take care of the way it is the peak representative have dates when nominations close and season is coming up soon so keep your of both specific issues as they arise and body for students on campus. unless you’re in the know, you wouldn’t eyes peeled for a raft of interesting op- also broader policy issues. There are also even realise you’ve missed them; it’s portunities both within and outside of student positions on Academic Board The Union not worth deciding you want to run for student organisations. Sydney University and a student position on the University There are two easy ways to get involved the SRC half way through the election has a great history of cultivating an atmo- Senate which are more powerful, policy in the Union. The first is through Clubs because it’s too late so get in now. sphere of advocacy and representation setting bodies. and Societies, the majority of which will and everyone should feel like they can be electing a new executive team at their get involved if they want. Instead of go- The SRC Annual General Meeting. AGMs are ing into everything in depth I will try and SRC elections will also be coming up advertised in the Bull and if you are an point you in the right direction and leave in semester two. There are actually four Access card holder and member of the WOMEN’S REPORT Report of the Women’s Officer, Tamsin Dingley//[email protected]

In partial response to the overwhelming all organized by two very devoted and combination of political education, sex most important conference of the year. Is- criticism (from the right… surprised?) re hardworking women on our campus. education, and rockin’ late-night parties. sues that affect students in Australia such my Honi article where I dared say that Having the opportunity to meet and con- as replacing HECS with full fee places, men should be doing more to stop rape, I NOWSA nect with other queer women students student poverty etc affect women more thought I’d spend some time focusing on Four Sydney University Women’s Col- from across Australia to socialise, sup- than men, and of course indigenous the positives of this life we call feminism lective members attended the National port and gain activism and leadership women are even more disadvantaged. and talk about some of the achievements Organization of Women Students in skills. Women’s caucus had a discussion of wonderful women during the crazy Australia conference. In a very brave of sexism in queer communities, and Hopefully the wonderful achievements July holidays also known as Conference move our wide eyed enthusiastic first debated other difficult/controversial and of women at Indigenous conference, and Season. year threw caution to the wind and important issues such as transgenderism indeed the past month of student activ- hopped on a plane to Brisbane with me and inclusivity in women’s groups in ism will contribute to the eradication of Education Conference in the name of equality. We attended the queer community, prejudice and the difficulties and inequalities facing Hundreds of students from all over Aus- workshops on student activism and discrimination in the queer community, Australian students. tralia converged at Sydney University gained some great skills, had discussions eg. biphobia. to discuss issues surrounding access to on talking to survivors of sexual assault, affordable education, the appallingly keeping yourself safe, collective organiz- Indigenous Conference low numbers of indigenous students at ing in women’s shelters/ refuges/ resource Indigenous conference was organized university, the inherent classism of full centre’s and other important topics, such by the incredible women who work at fee paying places, small, rural and iso- as women in Palestine. the USYD Koori Centre and also the lated campuses and their crumbling or SRC indigenous department. Indigenous indeed non-existent student unions and Queer Conference representatives from all over Australia services, and student poverty. This was Queer Collaborations offered an exciting gathered in Sydney for undoubtedly the ASK ABE SRC HELP: Level 1 (Basement) Wentworth Building, City Road Entry 9660 5222 or [email protected]

Dear Abe, Dear Tenant (who?)

I heard that there are some dodgy Tenancy can be a bit of a minefield. landlords around who will rip you Make sure you look at the room be- off. I’ve never rented before and I fore considering moving in. Check want to move out, but don’t know things like water pressure, what is what to look for. Can you tell me included in the cost and talk to poten- what I need to know to make sure I tial housemates. Read the contract don’t get ripped off. before you sign it. Read the contract before you sign it. I know I wrote it Tenant (not David) twice, so maybe you can read the This column offers students the contract twice. If there’s anything opportunity to ask questions on suspect or confusing about it talk to anything that may affect their a caseworker at the SRC. Finally, I “welfare”. This can be as personal as a question on a Centrelink pay- would recommend very strongly ment or as general as a question against staying at a place that charges on the state of the world. If you “fines” for not doing housework or would like to ask Abe a question putting out the bin etc. Have a look send an email to at the Accommodation Checklist on [email protected]. the SRC webpage for more details.

Abe >17 The SUPRA www.supra.usyd.edu.au SAAO PRNs – Coming to a Faculty Corner Dear SAAOs Near You!

I have some options about the subjects I can enrol in for A couple of months ago, this column brought you the story “What can I do?”, I hear you clamouring to ask. If you are a Semester 2, 2009 but am not postgraduate student who sits on a department or faculty sure which subjects I want of the Philosophy Strike of 1977, where students and young to choose. I want to make staff members spearheaded something of a revolution in board or committee, in any faculty, we want to hear from sure I like the subject before course content. Those heady days of radical integration you. Even if you’re not in a representative position, but are committing to it for the whole with university governance are exciting, but they seem interested in being part of a PRN, we want to hear from semester. When is the last date distant. This is not quite true. As a result of the actions you. Does your department have a rep? Do you know how I can change my subjects? of those women, and many others like them, University to contact them? If not, we want to hear from you. Are bureaucracy changed. With the shift from Professorial you unable to even answer these questions? If so, we want Yours Faithfully, Board to today’s Academic Board, students found a voice to hear from you. We will help you get people elected to Student they had previously lacked. It might not be as loud or as your department or faculty board, to represent you in your influential as Jacka and Curthoys would have wanted, immediate collegial surrounds. We will put you in touch Dear Student but it’s there. Even now, faculties, departments and the with other representatives from your faculty so you can higher-ups want to ask students’ opinions. co-ordinate your demands. All you have to do is email us. The last date you can add a subject to your enrolment for the semester is Friday 7 August The question, then, is how do we convert these consultative I have a dream, to unabashedly butcher MLK Jr.’s famous 2009. positions into a real student voice? SUPRA and the pronouncement. A postgrad on every committee, SRC do great work when it comes to representing speaking with one voice, for the interests of The last date you can withdraw students on the myriad committees that postgrads across the University. Every faculty from a subject without grease the wheels of this august institution with full postgraduate representation. Open academic penalty is Friday (or clag them up, depending on your lines of communication amongst these 31 August 2009. This also point of view). But a lot of the important representatives. A more informed and means that if you are thinking decisions, like the Arts Faculty’s engaged, student body. If you too have this of suspending for Semester controversial decision to ‘streamline’ entry dream, help me get the wheels moving. 2, 2009, 31 August 2009 is into honours by scrapping stratified, third- Architecture, Arts and Law are paving the generally the last date you can year entry courses, get made at faculty and way. The only thing standing between your tell your Faculty that you want faculty and a strong, independant student voice to suspend without academic department level – places where the SRC and penalty. For local students this SUPRA, designed to operate within the mammoth is apathy and ignorance. Why are we at university in is also the last date you can structures of the university’s administration, miss. the first place, if not to banish those two things? withdraw without any financial penalty. Different financial We at SUPRA are serious about student representation. SUPRA is also working with the SRC and the University to provisions apply to International Noticing this alarming gap in postgrad ranks, we have provide training for student representatives. If this is you, students, so you should feel free taken it upon ourselves to stop it up. This year, we helped get in touch with us! to ask International Office and/ students in Architecture, form a Postgraduate Research or SUPRA for advice. Network (PRN) in that faculty. After agitation from Please get in contact with SUPRA if you are interested in within the Arts faculty, meetings amongst representatives helping with the Postgraduate Representative Network Even if you aren’t sure whether from departments in Arts are going well. That PRN has project in anyway. Email [email protected] you want to commit to a drafted a charter of student representation, to explain to to let us know. And remember - we’re here to ensure your particular subject for the whole departments what we want from them to make the job voice, at all levels of University governance. semester, the best thing to do is attend the classes for that of representation more democratic and transparent. The subject. This will give you a Arts PRN is meeting relatively regularly, and now operates Nick Irving feel for whether you enjoy the as a forum for these representatives to find common cause SUPRA Co-President content. If you decide to enrol and share strategies. SUPRA is also looking into helping [email protected] in the subject for the whole Law students start a similar network in the very near semester, your attendance in future. those first few classes will count towards your participation for the subject. This is particularly important if the subject requires you to attend a certain number SUPRA Resource Room of classes to be able to pass Just a reminder that if you’re a SUPRA Subscriber you can the subject. access the recently renovated SUPRA Resource Room. You’ll Good luck! find computers with internet access, you can help yourself to tea or coffee and read the paper on a comfortable lounge. The SAAO team We also have printing, photocopying, scanning, and faxing available at low costs. So why not call in and see us today... >18 The SUPRA Postgrad Pages

Subscribe to International Students in SUPRA - the spotlight it’s FREE! By becoming a SUPRA Subscriber you will be able to: • Access our free, confidential You would have heard about the attacks on international to report illegal conditions because they are scared they student advice and advocacy students and the protests by international students will lose their right to study in Australia. And of course, as service which followed over the last two months. There has been Australia and the rest of the world is now keenly aware, • Participate in SUPRA events a huge amount of discussion in the media by community international students often face discrimination (racial, and activities leaders, politicians, education providers and the like sexual or otherwise) inside and outside of the university • Receive regular email updates about the issue of international student safety and what environment. and electronic publications can or should be done to improve it. (eGrad) As one response to the specific issue of international • Use the SUPRA Resource and For many student organisations and community groups, student safety, the International Student Services Unit Meeting Rooms this issue is certainly not new. SUPRA is one of a number and University Security Services, with support from • Access discounted photocopy- of organisations which has been advocating both inside SUPRA, the SRC and the USU, are organising a series ing, printing and faxing and outside of the University for the improvement of student safety forums. The forums have arisen out of • Vote or run in the SUPRA of international student conditions and welfare. For particular concerns of International Students, but they Council elections example, regular meetings of the campaign group, Cross are open to all students. They are intended to provide • Actively participate in your rep- Campus Concessions Coalition, are held at SUPRA. a space for students to tell the University their concerns resentative student association. International students throughout the State attend these as well as learn about what the University is doing to By becoming a SUPRA Supporter meetings to organise and campaign for travel concessions improve safety on campus. you will be able to: to be extended to international students in New South • Access all of the above benefits Wales. You can contact the SUPRA President on The first student safety forum will be held nextFriday 7 • Receive a SUPRA Supporter [email protected] for details of the meetings August from 1 – 2pm on Level 4 of the Wentworth Welcome Pack (including SU- and how to become involved in the campaign. Building, Darlington Campus. We would encourage PRA highlighter and t-shirt) as many students as possible to attend, so that you can • Show that you appreciate the SUPRA has also been lobbying Sydney University and hear about initiatives to help keep you safe on campus, value of an independent stu- Governments at all levels about international student and raise any concerns you have that you want the dent run organisation. conditions and welfare. In June this year, SUPRA wrote University to address. SUPRA will be there so please feel Complete your subscription online to the NSW State Government, outlining a whole host of free to come and speak with us directly. at www.supra.usyd.edu.au/sub- concerns arising from students consulting our Student scribe then follow the links if you Advice and Advocacy Service and from the Council’s As well as the forums, if you are international postgraduate would like to become a SUPRA campaign work with international students. The types student, remember that you can always contact SUPRA Supporter. Alternatively you can of problems which international students frequently face to talk about a problem you may have, whether it is complete a form at our stalls or extend much further than personal safety. academic or non-academic. SUPRA provides a free, drop into the SUPRA office. professional, confidential and independent casework For example, international students often have service to SUPRA subscribers. It costs nothing to difficulty securing any accommodation (let alone safe, subscribe to SUPRA. affordable and adequate accommodation). We hear about international students in exploitative boarder or This section is prepared by SUPRA’s Student Advice Raglan Street Building (G10) lodger arrangements, and landlords trying to exploit and Advocacy Officers (SAAOs). The SAAOs are Darlington Campus international students’ relative lack of knowledge about professional staff employed to assist postgraduates University of Sydney NSW 2006 their tenancy rights. with a wide range of welfare and academic matters. Phone: (02) 9351 3715 Call 9351 3715 or email [email protected] to Fax: (02) 9351 6400 Similarly, the financial pressure of having to pay for ask a question or request an appointment. Email: [email protected] significant tuition fees as well as the cost of living can Web: www.supra.usyd.edu.au result in international students feeling compelled to accept jobs where the working conditions are illegal. This is compounded by the restriction on international students that they cannot work more than 20 hours per week. Students who work longer hours do not feel able

What’s coming up at SUPRA (see www.supra.usyd.edu.au for more information)

Thurs 6 Aug, 12pm SUPRA Second Semester Welcome BBQ - SUPRA Office

>19 Saturn’s Return and Tommy NIGHTLIFE FILM The Steyne Hotel, Manly ALP National Conference VL Murphy’s meteoric rise

As a fan of previous films in the series – Danika Armitage speaks to USYD alumni Tommy Murphy about his newest play including last time out’s uranium mining- themed adventure – I was happy to see bizarre, hilarious and moving. The acting the ALP producing a 45th edition of their is flawless from the cast of three and the popular “National Conference” series. I play takes off like a rocket. mean, in a world that has thusfar pro- duced six Harry Potter movies, twenty Tommy Murphy began his stunning career something Bond flicks and inexplicably as a playwright here at Sydney University three Mission Impossibles, why stop writing Troy’s House, performed at SUDS when you’re having fun? in 1997. “SUDS is a wonderful place,” Tommy says. “I loved that everyone would The illustrious Steyne Hotel The 45th National Conference was always have to paint the walls and rig the lights... going to be a star-studded affair, having There’s a lot of good will and understand- Looming over the Manly Corso, the received a health Government grant for ing to what everyone is doing there, and Steyne Hotel is a brick monstrosity. To its production. The promotional mate- that’s exploring - what is theatre?” gaze upon it, one risks being turned to rial had me excited from the get-go: THE stone. Whether you’re looking to watch 45TH ALP NATIONAL CONFERENCE And it seems Sydney mainstream theatre the moon rise through the shimmering STARRING THE REMARKABLE SIL- is asking that question to a new generation urine vapours wafting up from the street VER-HAIRED KEVIN RUDD. of playwrights. Creative initiatives such as below, enjoy some group-sex enthusiasts the STC’s ‘Next Stage’ program (formerly tackling each other on a plasma screen or Gasp! As the right-wing crunches the ‘Wharf2Loud’) have been designed to You know, just writing plays. It’s what I punch someone celebrating their birth- numbers! Sigh! As another debate runs nurture the work of young playwrights do. day, the Steyne Hotel is sure to provide. through lunch! Boo! When the Liberal which is where Saturn’s Return was Legacy of Neglect™ is brought up again! A prostitute stands on a bed and reads a first developed after Cate Blanchett and The Steyne Hotel prides itself on its history eulogy from a laptop. Gravity falls away and Andrew Upton approached Murphy to of alcohol-fuelled violence and is eager to However despite the hype, sunny set loca- a killer spaceman lurks outside. A message write a new work. assert its place on NSW’s 10 Most Violent tion of Sydney Convention Centre and as- in a wine bottle floats above the stage and Pubs list. Many have tried to bring down sembled cast of thousands, the film failed washes up in a text message. Welcome to What did it feel like to be headhunted the Steyne—the Manly Daily, the Manly to hit the high notes. the dream logic outerspace/innerspace of by Cate Blanchett? “She still makes me police, even the NSW government—but it Tommy Murphy’s magnificent new play nervous!” Tommy laughs. “It’s just great has always emerged triumphant. Do not Popular lead actor from the 2007 film, Saturn’s Return. to have someone like that, [who] remains bother. You cannot win. Kevin Rudd, was retained as lead actor dedicated to theatre.” and given the additional roles as Execu- In 2003 playwright Tommy Murphy grad- If you sneeze the wrong way, you will be tive Producer, Director, Scriptwriter and uated from Sydney University. Since then, “What they’re trying to do is reach new glassed. If you try to order a drink at the Best Boy. This decision has been her- Tommy has written the plays Strangers in audiences. That’s why a play like Saturn’s bar, you will be glassed. If you go to the alded as bringing stability to the franchise Between and Holding the Man for which Return has made it to the main stage in bathroom, you will be glassed. If you brush however it remains to be seen whether the he has won a host of accolades including the hope, as I hope, that it might articulate by someone in a crowded room, you will company will look for fresh-faced talent in the NSW Premier’s Literary Award. This something that young audiences see is definitely be glassed. There’s a very good the lead role at the 46th. year Tommy received a British Council reflective of their experience and a truth- chance that your trip to the Steyne will scholarship to work at the London Royal ful account of being younger than the be commemorated with a body bag and Rudd was presumably too preoccupied Court Theatre, an institution that has majority of the theatre going audience ex- an obituary. With each victim, the Steyne with behind-the-scenes work to notice seen Beckett, Pinter and Kane walk it’s perience. They’re the people that I’m really grows stronger. that much of the on-screen talent left a lot halls. And if that wasn’t enough, Tommy interested in.” to be desired. Still, strong performances was headhunted by Cate Blanchett herself So, ladies and gentlemen, I give you the from Welsh lead actress Julia Gillard, to write a new work for Sydney Theatre Saturn’s Return is now performing at Steyne Hotel. Scull some lager with your (who put on an excellent, if a little strong, Company. The sexed up, fearless and mys- Sydney Theatre Company, 29 July to 30 flannelette-wearing, knuckle-dragging Australian accent) Wayne Swan and tical result is Saturn’s Return. August. brethren before defecating on the local Lindsay Tanner should ensure that they church. Shout desperately through the are retained for the next film. A return to Saturn’s Return follows the mental orbit of wire mesh from the top floor at women the silver screen from the silver bodgie, Zara (Leeanna Walsman) as she approach- below. Start blubbering when you realise Bob Hawke, was also appreciated by the es her 30th birthday. Zara is at a junction what a shameful, worthless existence fans. between her partying 20s and whatever it you lead. Glass someone because, well, is that comes after that. Is it time to have a because. But it was not enough to save this film. baby... or maybe another threesome? Rudd’s lack of directorial adventure left I like to think of the Steyne as the tradition- no-one guessing – interesting subplots According to astrologists its not a coinci- al Aussie pub experience: lager, unbridled of workers’ rights and same-sex mar- dence that turning the big 3-0 is a pretty racism, balding men staring blankly at the riage were left unresolved. Hopefully for frightening time of reflection and soul NRL and the constant feeling that you’re Director Rudd, enough ALP devotees will searching, as every 29.5 years the planet about to be beaten horribly for the simple be prepared to stick by the franchise for Saturn completes a full orbit around the act of breathing. You may try to tell me long enough to see these loose threads sun. Saturn’s Return explores this moment that all this is not true, that the Steyne is a resolved. in Zara’s life as she stares into her life wonderful venue and great place to spend ahead of her with her boyfriend Matt (Toby a Friday or Saturday night, but you’ll be Still, as sure as night follows day, we will Moore). Having babies, getting mortgages slurring incoherently and I won’t be able see more ALP Conferences hit cinemas and getting soft round the edges, is this the We want your to understand you. in the future. True believers will have future she wants? LETTERS& ARTICLES enjoyed this offering. So send ‘em in Saturn’s Return embraces what Tommy 0/5 2/5 refers to as ‘theatre’s dream logic’: Zara’s [email protected] imagination threads fantasy through the everyday as her she upturns her past and Submissions must include your Jordan D’Arcy Ben McKay name, year and faculty. her relationship. Each scene makes its own rules and builds to a crescendo that is

>20 Go Est! The top end that’s tops George Downing is pretentious. Even more so in this review. Michael Krasovitsky travels to the little capital that could In Sydney, it’s easy enough to dismiss from beautiful Kakadu, whose stunning many Australian stereotypes as passé landscapes cannot fail to blow you away. and irrelevant. In Darwin, it’s almost impossible to escape them. Surprisingly, many of the clubs in Darwin are also pretty amazing, particularly In many ways, Darwin is taken straight Discovery or the local gay bar, hilariously from a tale in a colonial adventurer’s named Throb. If neither of those tickle diary. For starters, for most of the year, your fancy (though I’m not sure how you it’s exceedingly hot – at some points in couldn’t be even a little tempted by Throb), January, temperatures can hit upwards of then head down to one of the hundreds of 45 degrees, with 90% humidity. Irish pubs throughout the city. Though your drinks will be far from haute culture, Next, all around you are “real Australians”, the friendliness of the locals, and the A spoonful of sugar (topped with caviar) makes the medicine go down. Sheilas and Bruces. Though far from bogan, looseness that any accomplished traveller much of Darwin’s nightlife and cultural feels after ten to twelve vodka red-bulls It’s a shame the foodie scene is full of sashimi of ocean trout with grapefruit and scene is in fact terrifically sophisticated, will mean you enjoy yourself. wankers, because behind the hair gel and ponzu. Unlike the rubbish you pick up on these Aussies make your skinny jeans cravats, there’s plenty of world-class talent King St, this is real sashimi: the rarest wild seem almost as stupid as your attempts Finally, it’s worth noting that Darwin is in Sydney’s top restaurants. The dribble of tuna, a marvel of velvet texture and luxuri- to hide your enormous sweat patches. one of the most exciting cultural melting clam chowder falling down Matt Preston’s ous flavour (a wanky description, yes, but Territorians don’t sweat the small stuff pots in the country. As you walk down the gluttonous chin; the cheesy, pop-starlet also kind of true.) The second course, an like fashion, grooming and civility. Indeed, street, you can’t help feel a little proud of smile of Bill Granger, and Guillaume explosive ginger-laden steamed snapper how they could sweat any more is a matter our country. There is such a wonderful Brahimi – a name even more pretentious with cucumber and abalone was, for a of some uncertainty. They’re real, tough mix of people: Aboriginal Australians, than he is – are just a sideshow. Sydney’s bland looking dish, startlingly impressive. and sure about themselves. immigrants from almost any part of the really, really good food – three chef’s hat globe, but notably South-East Asia and material – needs to be appreciated for A pair of deep pink grilled prawns coated At the same time, Darwin is full of surprises. the Mediterranean, and of course, other what it is: absolutely amazing. in goat’s fetta and chorizo was worth Mindel markets, on most weeks in the dry Australians who have been drawn to ten prawns anywhere else. The juniper- season, are fantastic. There are a number Darwin by it’s charisma and inexplicable The ornate high ceilings, polished staff and crusted saddle of venison with chestnuts of fantastic restaurants at the wharf and charm. sophisticated vibe of est. restaurant are and semolina gnocchi was a decadently in surrounding suburbs like Casuarina. what you’d expect from arguably the best rich main. But the highlight of the night Plus, you’re only a couple of hours away restaurant in the city. The crowd is well- was chef Peter Doyle’s signature dish – a to-do fund managers in sharply-cut suits silken, foamy mass of passionfruit soufflé, and middle aged couples out for a special- executed with textbook perfection. Even occasion meal (being old, perhaps?) – a the espresso and petit fours to wrap were refreshing counterpoint to the standard outstanding. It’s Jean-ius! they’ll add a shot effortless cool to any toolset you’ll find wandering around the Jacinta Mulders outfit, and after a couple of wears will fit Ivy and other Hemmes-owned spots. Once When Terry Durack, a restaurant critic, you like a glove. The ‘young and artsy’ seated by a robot-perfect maître d’, the wrote he was ‘reduced to tears’ in a Miche- It’s a bit of a fashion no-brainer that jeans feel of the store is not too contrived and Dom Perignon cart rolls over: may I inter- lan-starred dining room in Paris, it’s easy are the epitome of versatility in the fash- all the staff members I’ve encountered est you in some champagne? No. Perhaps to think: what a sissy. But (though I didn’t ion world. Whether you’re into the acid have been unfailingly sweet and helpful. one day, but not today. cry) experiencing the food of a well-sea- washed/artfully ripped vibe of Bondi’s soned professional at the top of his game darlings, the inner west navy staple or That Store The five-course chef’s dinner menu is the is, on a strictly special-occasion basis, not wear your gritty washes rolled up and 128 Oxford St, Paddington. hot pick, but not the cheapest, especially only worth the money you pay, but prob- punk, nothing screams youth quite like a pour deux, so a cashed up relative makes ably much more. Here’s hoping est. likes good dose of denim. In my opinion, That Store is the quintes- for a fitting dining partner. First up was this review and shouts a meal Honi’s way. sential jean shop in Sydney. The store’s King St, Newtown. entire aesthetic is fully focused towards one objective (as cliché as it sounds): Is there anything that King St does not providing every customer with their STUNNER have for the burgeoning uni student? ideal jean. Inside this wood panelled Swing by Local Derby for a sweet range paradise, jeans are selected on the basis from Swedish label Cheap Monday that of quality and cut rather than pricing or won’t break the bank but will still kit reputability of labels; a feature which you out in high quality (and super styl- essentially means you’ll find the biggest ish) denim. A few blocks up and across names in cult denim couture – Acne, Su- the road, Maple does a roaring trade perfine, Ernest Sewn – folded neatly next with all inner-west wannabe trendies, to the humble Levis. On the knife point of but I prefer the more chilled out vibe at international fashion, you’re also likely Derby where the staff members are also to stumble upon unique and experimen- considerably nicer. Towards the station tal takes on the classic cut; think waxy and right near Zanzibar is vintage hub finishes, subtle sparkle infused black Cream which sell a great range of old and distressed detailing. Truly the pot of school cuts. gold at the end of the denim aficionado’s rainbow, the only thing to be wary of its Nudie the formidable effortless chic of the staff 35 William St, Paddington. members.

I resisted the Nudie onslaught for as long as I could. I was however enlightened by the perfect pair of black ‘High Kais’ that I seriously never (and will never) take off. You’ll find these treasures tucked away in a small store in William St, Pad- Mayan Bird dington, but you can also pick them up at David Jones, General Pants and Maple on King. Nudie jeans are so versatile that

>21 Kyle Sandilands Right... is that the only experience

you’ve had? Daniel, Ralph’s James, Badde Manors

1. Double shot short black. 1. I drink ristrettos 2. Shot and a half weak soy flat white, 2. Half hot choc, half chai. She was a extra hot. You can’t do a shot and a half. little strange. 3. Nope. Ralph’s rule no 1 – no decaf. 3. Not, not at all. It’s the anti-coffee.

THE WEEKE //THREE THINGS WE’RE DOING THIS WEEK AHEAD 1. Sitting in Victoria Park , enjoying this unseasonable burst of sunshine 2. Drooling at the new Johnny Depp movie, Public Enemires 3. Going to see the dugongs Pig and Wuru at the Sydney Aquarium Baristas! Bronwyn Cowell spoke with those people who deliver you your shot of life of a Corie, Clipper Cafe Anakin, Toby’s Estate morning... 1. Strong flat white, or short black. I start 1. Just about every way. Ristretto, 1. How do you take your coffee? every day with a short black. piccolo, flat white, siphon, drip filter… 2. What’s the weirdest coffee order you’ve ever had? 2. Decaf soy latte with honey and 2. I appreciate all types of coffee. hazelnut. That’s not a coffee, that’s sugar 3. Yeh, definitely. Whether it’s a heart 3. Do you believe in decaf? in a glass. condition or whatever, at least you’re 3. No. It destroys the point of having a still drinking coffee. coffee.

It’s called alcoholism in the real world Alice Blain wonders what life will be like on the outside.

See here’s the thing, us college folk, amidst As a number of us “valedicts” embark on where I left them. the partying and excessive drinking which our next stage of life you can therefore you were once so very jealous of, have imagine my concern as to how we are going With my bachelors degree nearly under failed to acquire a number of life skills. to fare in the real world. How are those arm I, along with my fellow battlers, will Like learning to ride a bike, if you don’t who attend St. John’s going to team a flan- soon walk into the wilderness that is the learn when appropriate, it only gets more nelette shirt with their corporate suit? And real world and wonder why it was ever difficult the older you get. more importantly, how are the Paul’s boys a great idea to trade our clothing with a going to quell their tight pink shirt-ripping complete stranger donning a raincoat, ski Take cooking a simple meal for example. and bare chest fetish in the workplace? I’m goggles and gumboots at the St Andrew’s Every night we come home to a (question- more than certain Macquarie Bank and the College Rubik Cube party on Wednesday What? This is what we wear to lectures. ably) cooked meal and as a result I am like do not condone such behaviour. night. Ah well, I guess if nothing else we’ll Deal, bitches. more than certain a number of my fellow be prepared for the monumental workplace Women’s collegiates will be searching for That said, I think all of us at college are shit storm that is heading our way! As I embark on my final semester at college, the bain-marie spread in their new homes, wondering whether it is kosher in the five-sixths of a degree tucked haphazardly only to find the cupboard is filled with Mei- workplace to clear the office partitions on under my belt, I am trying to remember Goreing. a Wednesday night, create a raging dance why exactly it was that I subscribed to this floor, have a blinder and return to work ridiculous institution that, despite adver- What’s worse is that since arriving at as normal on Thursday morning - even tising otherwise, has caused me to take one college our social skills, general poise, and though our shoes are stuck to the floor and step forward and many blurry ones back. appearance have taken a severe turn for the air screams of regret. We want your the worse. Upon returning home for the LETTERS& ARTICLES Three years ago we were drawn in by holidays my family and friends often think All jokes aside I see myself sitting at the So send ‘em in promises of bright futures as the children that I’ve been in outback NSW rather than dinner table in five years time wondering of tomorrow, but as we sail towards the the prestigious University of Sydney. My where these glory days have gone. I’m [email protected] end, I, along with many others in the same drawl often matching that of someone who sure I’ll wash down my half cooked pasta Titanic-esque boat, are starting to wonder Submissions must include your has been in the pub for three days straight disaster with a drop of cask wine (that’s name, year and faculty. what exactly we’re going to do with our even though I’m certain I’m completely, if what they call it in the real world right?) lives when we leave these hallowed halls. not partially sober. and know that they’re best, safe and sound,

>22 //ACROSS 1. It’s a shame I can’t find this shoe I put back. (3,3,I,3,1,4) 9. Former Soviet countries sin haphazardly. (1.1.1) 10. Returning number sequence can’t include any integer. (5,3,2,4) 15. Debase Île de la Cité at the start, before the video display. (5) 16. Hilarious return. (3) 17. Old name sounds negative. (3) 18. Coming back to religious doctrine – Worship Me! (5,1,2,3) 21. The round without a buzzer is not home. (3) 22. Reversed shallow fryer is asleep. (3) 25. Hack the mainframe (legally) with a piece of wood. (3,2) 28. Unsuccessful Vice-Presidential Candidate (or Python), with Mr Cod!? I confuse everything by going back and forth (and the key to this puzzle’s theme) (11) 31. Your cow impression contains an alien, so don’t leave me out! (3,2) 32. Briefly, the yearly decision maker is broken. ‘That’s Life!’ (1.1.1) 34. How natural is that water? It sounds like a clock. (1.1.1) 37. Abel’s Brother: Returns to kill again and again! (4,1,6) 41. To’s partner has giant hair. (3) 43. A bird and a fool? Let’s go back. (3) 44. You sound like the king, Monsieur Jenkins. (5) 46. Love Mona watches the grain storage unit, before returning. (1,4,4,1,4) 49. Broken sleep pattern, well, um.... (3) 50. The vehicle, the dude and the percussion instrument up a two way street. (1,3,1,3,1,6)

//DOWN 1. The inhabitants are a dectet of soldiers (7) 2. Displayed above Vista. (2, 4) 3. Inflated and broadcast. (5) 4. No! I dig crazy violet. (6) 5. Conceal while greeting Danika. (3) 6. One who excludes and baffles a Rio slot. (8) MS 7. Wolfmother ripples a lake (5) 8. Spanish Cheer confuses starsign (3) 11. Madam, I’m Adam’s girlfriend (and a hint to this puzzle’s theme) (3) 12. Raised train, briefly. (2) 13. Sounds like Rogers is a Bourbon. (3) 14. Starting at midday there won’t be a soul around (2-3) 19. Aussie actor Rhys almost thinks about a sand hill. (7) 20. Go back two beats. (5) 22. Hindi person’s name, as defines their backwards nature. (5) 23. Story without the hot drink is an alcoholic beverage. (3) 24. A hole for the younger, nearly. (3) 26. A small Indian state is a kind of leaver. (3) 27. I can’t believe it, then I meditate, then I can’t believe it! (3) 29. Shore leave redecorated Satan toe (3,2,3) 30. The expert surrounded the commercial Madrid art gallery (5) 33. Singular Japanese car in reverse. (1,6) 35. Mice? An acrobatic theatre. (6) 36. If arc a blend, then it’s a continent. (6) 38. 28 Across’ opposite, with no idea. (2,3) 39. Farrow never returned from the war. (1.1.1) 40. Schumann, endless red wine (5) 42. Romanian $$$, just about on a lucky streak (3) 45. Genius symbol on the periodic table (2) 47. A field for the endless Shakespearean King (3) 48. Cacodemon close to asking money (3) Students’ Representative Council The University of Sydney

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