Cold Open: What in the shit are we talking about this week? Norse Gods! Turns out they’re still being worshipped today. Who knew? Well, our own Timesuck editor Jesse Dobner who is a practicing Asatruar. (Ah-sah-true- are) Apparently a lot of people in Iceland also knew and quite a few in Sweden, Norway, and Denmark. Even a few Timesuckers. I didn’t. I thought Thor was a comic book character whose Marvel mythology kicked off three really successful movies and made Chris Hemsworth a star and Stan Lee even more money- like he needs that. I had no idea that those movies and the comics they came from were based on real mythology. Turns out the Scandinavians have an origin story as fantastical and interesting and magical as the Ancient Greeks. And just like some people still worship the Ancient Greek and Roman Gods from Mount Olympus - seriously - somebody is hoping he’s on Zeus’s good side right now - others worship the Norse Gods of Asgard. As in Thor. Right now. Present day. Did not know that. I learned so much this week - my mind was expanded in surprising ways - and now you too are gonna learn so much and have a great time in this Norse Gods edition of Timesuck!

PAUSE TIMESUCK INTRO

I. Welcome to Timesuck A. Intro/pre rolls: What’s up Timesuckers and Space Lizards! I’m Dan Cummins and this is Timesuck. Recording from scenic Couer d’Alene, Idaho!

1. Pre Roll #1: And Today’s Timesuck is brought to you by a brand new podcast - Big Questions with Cal Fussman podcast. Have you ever wondered how Kobe Bryant became an Oscar nominee? Did you even know he’s an Oscar nominee? These are the kinds of questions that Cal Fussman gets answers to in his podcast, “Big Questions with Cal Fussman.” - Best-selling author and Esquire columnist Cal Fussman talks to people who have lived extraordinary lives, from Kobe to Dr. Oz to Tim Ferriss. And he has really deep, thoughtful conversations with these guests and you’ll end up with burning questions answered, and a few new ones to think about.

Are you intrigued by Mr Fussman? Me too!

So subscribe to Big Questions with Cal Fussman now in your favorite podcast app, like Stitcher or Apple Podcasts and enjoy getting that curiosity itch scratched!

2. Pre-Roll #2: Timesuck is also brought to you today by the new Stitcher podcast, DEAR FRANKLIN JONES.

And Franklin Jones is a cult leader and the narrator of this podcast was born into his strange, strange cult.

Growing up, reporter Jonathan Hirsch’s [pron. hersh] family was..a little different. Jonathan’s parents worshipped Franklin as a God. Join Jonathan on a journey to find out what really happened, and whether the group really did become a cult.

This is an awesome new podcast that is fucking fascinating and incredibly well produced. Enjoy Timesuckers - I know how much you love cults!

Subscribe to Dear Franklin Jones, in Stitcher, Apple Podcasts, or your favorite podcast app.

B. First Space Lizard Topic: Alright - Big first today on Timesuck fellow members of the Cult of the Curious. First episode chosen by the Space Lizards. The first number one vote getter for the first half of February on the website and the app. And you didn’t take it easy on me. Did not expect this one but I’m glad I got it.

Recording from the CDA Suck Lair. Reverend Doctor Josh Krell monitoring the sound waves from his new tech temple here in the Dungeon. Fancy new iMac looking so pretty. Watching the sound waves on the big old monitor. Trying to make sure Lucefina doesn’t sneak in and corrupt the Suck. Begone Lucifina! Hail Nimrod!

Big thanks to all the Timesuckers who came to Minneapolis. I’m recording this before getting there but I know that at least 3 of the 4 standup shows sold out and that podcast sold out so i fucking love you guys.

Gonna be at the Brea Improv - SoCal- this weekend, March 8th - 11th. Supposed to be on some great podcasts down in LA - gonna be on the Church of What’s Happening Now with Joey Coco Diaz. Gonna be a guest on the Adam Corolla show. Gonna be back on Tin Foil Hat with Sam Tripoli. Lot of fun podcasting coming up this week. Hail Nimrod!

And then, back in my wife’s hometown - back at Hilarities in Cleveland March 22-24th. Get there Cleveland. You fucking get there. Tickets been selling well and I love it.

Salt Lake City April 20-21st. Charlotte, Atlanta, Birmingham, Huntsville, Atlanta, Dallas, Houston, and now San Antonio all part of the 2018 Flat Earth tour.

More tour dates at www.dancummins.tv - big Southern tour in early April. Big Timesucker Update regarding a very cool foundation a Timesucker is a part of - #BeLikeTyler - info for that at the end. And now, time for Norse Gods!

PAUSE INTERLUDE

II. Intro: Alright - you guys ready to get crazy today? Shit is gonna get weird. So many legends. So many Gods.

III. Pronunciation note/warning: First things first, may be a fair amount of pronunciation errors this week. I didn’t exactly have time this week to learn OLD NORSE - so I could translate all the obscure, weird-ass Icelandic & Norwegian and Old Norse bullshit words into proper English. It would’ve taken 40 hours to just learn the word pronunciation. BUT - I think I present acceptable pronunciations for most of today’s Gods and their surroundings.

IV. There is a lot of shit to sift through in this one. Second. Lot of info about this subject out there. And it’s very complex. You can get a four year degree from University College London in Viking and Old Norse studies. And then you can get a Masters from the University of Iceland in Reykjavik (rey-kyuh-veek). Do you hear what I’m saying? You can study this shit for at least six years. Minimum. There’s so much. I had no idea when I started researching how complicated this stuff is. So - we’re gonna hit overviews which still may be more complex than you’re probably expecting. This shit is intense.

Okay - disclaimers out of the way, I’m grabbing my Thunder Hammer and getting into this shit!

V. What even is Norse Mythology? A. So what even is Norse Mythology? In simple terms, it’s the Northern European equivalent of Greek and Roman mythology. Very similar, actually, in certain ways.

The best definition I could find on-line comes from, not surprisingly, a website called norse-mythology.org. That’s right. An entire organization dedicated to Norse Mythology. There are actually many organizations dedicated to Norse mythology. And they all have tons of info to offer. The tag line for norse-mythology.org. is, “Norse Mythology for smart people”.

And here’s how these self-proclaimed smarty-pants answer this question:

“Before the Norse (a.k.a. the Vikings) were converted to Christianity during the Middle Ages, they had their own vibrant native pagan religion that was as harshly beautiful as the Nordic landscape to which it was intimately connected. The centerpiece of that religion was what we today call “Norse mythology:” the set of religious stories that gave meaning to the Vikings’ lives. These myths revolved around deities with fascinating and highly complex characters, such as Odin (Oh-din) Thor, Freya (Freya) Loki (Low- key), and Nimrod - True King of the North and the one God to rule them all! Thor’s hammer is actually just a tool that Nimrod lost when he was tinkering around with one of the planets, trying to nail some rings to it. And it’s super powerful. And it was Nimrod’s tiniest, weakest hammer that he didn’t even bother to look around for. He totally doesn’t even care about it.

Okay. So maybe there is no “record” of Nimrod in Norse mythology. Maybe they just haven’t found one yet. The other stuff is legit.

The Norse religion never had a true name – those who practiced it just called it “tradition.” However, people who continued to follow the old ways after the arrival of Christianity were sometimes called “heathens,” which originally meant simply “people who live on the heaths” or elsewhere in the countryside, and the name has stuck.

Heathens man! They’re almost as bad as the riff riff and the peanut gallery. Old world Pineys! “Well, look-ee here now, I got some puke, tastiest puke I ever did lick. Outta my woman’s beard. Well look-ee here now, with the full belly, I made a butt- baby with that woman o’mine, and grew a big Viking beard. And stuck Thor’s hammer in my butt! And poked ol’ Odinn in his eye! And made moonshine in Valhalla. Yee-haw!!

I’m done now for the moment. Back to Norse exposition from the good folks at norse-mythology.org, who add:

“Even though some aspects of it may strike the modern reader as bizarre, if we approach it with the open mind it deserves, we can recognize within it the common human quest to live life in the presence of the transcendent majesty and joy of the sacred.”

Bizarre, as you will soon see, will be the understatement of the year. Some of the Gods of the North are VERY, um, interesting.

“And even though it’s been a thousand years since the last Vikings laid down their swords, people today continue to be inspired by the vitality and wonder of the Norse myths and the gods who inhabit them.

For the Vikings, the world as they found it was enchanted – that is, they didn’t feel the need to seek salvation from the world, but instead delighted in, and marveled at, “the way things are,” including what we today would call both “nature” and “culture.” Their religion and myths didn’t sugarcoat the sordidness, strife, and unfairness of earthly life, but instead acknowledged it and praised the attempt to master it through the accomplishment of great deeds for the benefit of oneself and one’s people. A life full of such deeds was what “the good life” was for the Vikings.”

Well okay - that’s what the folks at norse-mythology.org. think. As a “religion”, I wondered, what are the sacred texts of Norse mythology?

B. Is their a “Viking Bible”?: Is there some sort of Norse Bible? No. But there is a Norse Nudie Magazine. It’s called Helga’s Pussy Horn. And… WOW. The illustrations are INTENSE. And Thor is KINKY!

No - there is no ancient Norse Nudie Magazine. But, there is a book that is the primary source for a written account of most the legends.

It’s called the Edda. Or the Prose Edda. Or Snorri’s Edda. A book assumed to be written, or at least compiled, by a 13th century Icelandic scholar - Snorri Sturluson, around the year 1220 CE.

And, Snorri was Christian which is worth mentioning. Christianity became the official religion of Iceland around 1000 CE. So, what’s interesting about the main written record of Norse Gods is that it was written by a Christian a few centuries after his land was Christianized. Imagine if the Bible was written by a Hindu in a land that had been dominated for a few centuries by Hindus? Probably gonna turn out differently than if it were written by Jews or Christians. So, the core “canon” if you will of Norse mythology has been Christianized. To exactly what degree we’ll never fully know.

Well, this “Q Document” of sorts - the Edda - begins with a prologue establishing the origins of Norse mythology - how the Norse Gods descended from some God-like Thracians.

And who were the Thracians?

The Thracians were a race of half dogs/half-humans - descendants of Bojangles of Atlantis! The most powerful warriors of antiquity. And they kicked some ancient Greek and Persian ass as Bojangles the Immortal led them into battle with his Thunder Hammer! - A weapon retrieved from Zeus himself - a weapon fashioned out of that glorious pitbull’s missing leg. Beating the Greeks with his own leg!

I’m done again.

The Thracians were an ancient Indo-European people inhabiting Southeastern Europe. The first historical record of the Thracians is found in the Iliad, where they are described as allies of the Trojans in the Trojan War against the Greeks. The Thracians lived in present day Bulgaria, Greece, and Turkey. And their roots likely go back to the beginnings of civilization in Southern Europe. Unlike the Greeks, they never urbanized and they didn’t leave behind strong archaeological evidence of how they began and what life for a Thracian was like They lived in small clans or villages - huts on hilltops - that kind of stuff. They didn’t form any type of kingdom until the 5th century BCE, when 40 Thracian tribes aligned into the Odrysian (Oh-dri-sion) Kingdom that lasted until the 1st century CE.

They were referred to by Greeks and later by Romans as barbarians. Thracians would impale Roman heads on their spears. The famed Greek historian Herodotus (Huh rod i tus) writes that "they sell their children and let their maidens commerce with whatever men they please”. Yeah man, they were a rough bunch. But, to an extent, so was everyone back then.

So - the original Norse Gods were Thracians. Ancient battle tested warriors. And the Thracians may or may not have been dirt bags.

And why pick the Thracians? Well, as a scholar, I would imagine Snorri was familiar with the works of Homer. So, you know, why not give the origin story of the Norse Gods a little more pep - have them come from the very same battles that the ancient Greek Gods fought in. Pretty cool really. Give them that same blending of human and god. Give them that same mythology of human-like Gods being very active in the lives of their worshippers.

Or - maybe that was part of the oral legend. Perhaps the earlier Germanic settlers of the North Country brought this legend with them. And perhaps they brought it from Thrace. There is a possibility that some of the legends originated, much like Roman mythology, from actual ancient people, which is known as euhemerism.

The genealogy presented by Snorri begins with Priam - the King of Troy in Greek mythology during the Trojan War. A man written about by Homer. And Priam's daughter married king Múnón. Their son was Thor, who was fostered in Thrace. Kind of cool, right? Thor coming from the same time and underlying mythology as Achilles. How cool would that be to have Thor make some cameos during the Trojan War. Maybe do battle alongside Hector. Sounds badass. Fight alongside Ares. (Aire-ees). The Greek God of War and the Norse God of Thunder - BEST WWE TAG TEAM WRESTLERS EVER!

Facing off against the Legion of Doom tonight we have THE GODS OF WAR! ARES AND THOR!

12 year old me would’ve been psyched as shit to watch that match. I’m kind of pscyhed right now, actually. And I know I just made it all up.

Snorri tells of the God whom we call Odin", who came to Germany (Saxland) and established the royal lines there.

"Odin had second sight, and his wife also; and from their foreknowledge he found that his name should be exalted in the northern part of the world and glorified above the fame of all other kings. Therefore, he made ready to journey out of Turkland [...] They made no end to their journeying till they were come north into the land that is now called Saxland”

And there’s a ton of other shit. And that’s just the intro. And then there are three books that I gave up trying to find a pronunciation of that wasn’t made by someone with an Icelandic accent so thick it didn’t help me because me tongue no move ‘dat way.

The first is the GYLFAGINNING (Gill-fuh-gin-ing) The Gylfaginning (Gill-fuh-gin-ing) deals with the creation and destruction of the world of the Norse gods and some other intense shit, like the formation of Sweden. Let’s hear a little taste of this one.

C. GYLFAGINNING (Gill-fuh-gin-ing) EXCERPT: HERE BEGINS THE BEGUILING OF GYLFI

1. King Gylfi ruled the land that men now call Sweden. It is told of him that he gave to a wandering woman, in return for her merry- making, a plow-land in his realm, as much as four oxen might turn up in a day and a night. But this woman was of the kin of the Æsir (A-seer); she was named Gefjun (j=y in norse, just a reminder). She took from the north, out of Jötunheim (Yaw-toon- heym), four oxen which were the soils of a certain giant and, herself, and set them before the plow. And the plow cut so wide and so deep that it loosened up the land; and the oxen drew the land out into the sea and to the westward, and stopped in a certain sound. There Gefjun set the land, and gave it a name, calling it Selund. And from that time on”… a lot of other big names are tossed around and such and such and what not and yippity yap.

And it just goes on like that for a total of about 20,000 words. And again, interesting how originally, some of these Norse Gods were just dudes. Just women. Kings and Queens and mighty warriors - but just people. Our editor, Jesse, told me this is one of the aspects that drew him into one of the modern faiths based on the Norse Gods - Asatru. He likes that Odin - the All Father - was once a man who became the All Father by gathering wisdom - dude gave his own eye up for knowledge as you’ll soon hear - as opposed to always being omnipotent and all powerful.

And then there’s the kick ass 50,000 word second book. The Skáldskaparmál (Skald ska parm al) It’s effectively a dialogue between Ægir (“Eh-gear”), the Norse god of the sea, and Bragi (Brah-gee) the god of poetry.

(the word skald in skaldskaparmal means poet or poetry—the more you know)

And it starts off a little something like this:

“A certain man was named Ægir “Eh-gear”). He dwelt on the island which is now called Hlér's Isle, and was deeply versed in black magic. He took his way to Ásgard, but the Æsir (Ah-seer) had foreknowledge of his journey; he was received with good cheer, and yet many things were done by deceit, with eye- illusions. And at evening, when it was time for drinking, Odin had swords brought into the hall, so bright that light radiated from them: and other illumination was not used while they sat at drinking. The n the Æsir (Ah-seer)came in to their banquet, and in the high-seats sat them down those twelve Æsir (Ah-seer) who were appointed to be judges; these were their names: Thor, and literally 11 otther names I would need that masters degree to rattle off. And out of the 50,000 words in this book, it feels like a good 10,000 of the words are crazy names.

AND - how cool are those light swords!?! I want some of those for the Suck Dungeon! I already have a sword now. The Sword of the Suck! And it’s super cool. But, it doesn’t emit an otherworldly light which would be extra cool. I wanna light up a warrior hall with sword light alone!

And then there is the Háttatal (Ha-ta-tall), 20,000 more words of old poetry. It combines three separate songs of praise: one on King Hákon, a second on Skúli Bárdsson, the King's father-in-law and most powerful vassal, and a third celebrating both.

And there are life lessons woven in as well, from which practitioners of the faith can draw life lessons from.

2. Why is this book important? And here’s why this book, the Edda, was and is so important, according to one historical report I came across:

"Before Snorri's time there existed only . . . separate, disjointed biographical monographs on Norwegian kings, written on the model of the family sagas of Iceland. Snorri's was a more ambitious task. Discerning that the course of life is determined by cause and effect, and that in the lives of kings widely ramified interests, national and dynastic, come into play, he conceived a new idea of saga-writing: the seed of cause sown in the preceding must yield its crop of effect in the succeeding reign. This the writer of the lives of kings must bear in mind. And so Snorri addresses himself to writing the first pragmatic history of [Scandinavian] history ever penned"

And again, I find it interesting with the Edda that real historical figures make appearances. It’s like the Bible that way. Real people mixed in with people who may or may not be real. For example, literalists think Adam and Eve were two real people; others think they are just symbolic characters used to illustrate creation mythology.

Adding to the complexity of Snorri’s book is that only ever manuscripts of the Edda have survived to the present day: six compositions of the Middle Ages and another dating to the 1600s. No one manuscript is complete, and each has variations. So, in the transcribing process, alterations were made which reflects the true nature of Norse mythology.

Before the Vikings started rampaging around Europe, their ancestors, the earlier Germanic tribes, held sway on much of the continent. They had their own collection of mythical figures, many of whom turned into Norse deities when the time came. That’s why the names of German and Norse gods seem so similar and why lots of characteristics of the gods and stories get repeated. Many characters are essentially the same with slightly different names. For example, Odin was Wodan in German; his wife Frigg was called Fricka. Thor was called Tinky Winky which is why the German Thor wasn’t nearly as popular. Also, while the Norse Thor is the God of Thunder, Tinky Winky is the God of light winds. Thor has a hammer. Tinky Winky has a nail file.

The mythology was constantly evolving and evolved differently in various pockets of Scandinavia. But before we get it into some of who these Gods were, who was this Snorri fucker?

VI. Who was Snorri Sturluson? Snorri Sturluson has been called the “Homer of the North” and the most important Icelander ever. He’s also been called the “Boner of the South” and the “King of Kings of the West” and “The Jack of Clubs of the East”.

No. Only that first title is true. He is the Homer of the North. And, do any of you still think I was telling the truth about Tinky Winky? God I hope so. There was no Tinky Winky.

Just like Homer has provided some of the oldest and most complete accounts of the ancient Greek Gods to survive from antiquity - from sometime around the 13th century BCE - Snorri has given us the most compete and some of the earliest accounts of the Norse Gods.

And just like with ancient Greece and their Gods, the tales of the Norse Gods existed in an oral tradition for many, many years before Snorri.

Snorri was born in 1179. He was an Icelandic historian, poet, lawyer, and politician. He became the Icelandic equivalent of a British knight.

Snorri was the most powerful chieftain in Iceland during the years 1224–1230, which is extremely impressive when you consider that in 1223, he was running a hot dog stand. And, the least successful hot dog stand in Iceland. He was known as the Flag-ah-flute-in - the Man Whose Weiners No One Wants in Old Norse.

No. But he was the powerful chieftain.

In addition to the Prose Edda, he was also the author of the Heimskringla, a history of the Norwegian kings that begins with legendary material in Ynglinga (ing-ling-uh) saga and moves through to early medieval Scandinavian history. He spent a good deal of time in Norway. He wrote other works as well. Easily the most important historian concerning Norse mythology. He wrote of early Icelandic seafarers reaching the coast of North America - known to those of the day as Vinland (Vinland). And, by the way, there is now a lot of evidence that the Vikings touched base in North America long before Columbus. They just didn’t set up a permanent residence.

Snorri was born in Iceland and into wealth and received an excellent education. He married several times and had a lot of kids. You can still visit some of his old hangouts today in Iceland.

Snorri's bath in Reykholt (“Rake-holt”) is the warm outdoor bathing pool of Snorri Sturluson and one of the first archaeological remains to be listed in Iceland in 1817. This bath of Snorri is among the best- known heritage sites in Iceland. Pretty cool. You can dip your balls in the same watering hole Snorri dipped his balls in. You can dip your vagina in the same water Snorri sat in where he probably thought about vaginas. Sweet, sweet historical connection.

And then Snorri was assassinated in his house at Reykholt (“Rake- holt”) in autumn of 1241 after getting himself in the middle of political feuding with local Icelandic clansmen and Norwegian royalty.

He had convinced King Haakon (Hawk en) of Norway that he could become king of Iceland, and he became Haakon’s v (Hawk en) assal. Snorri returned to Iceland in 1220, but in the ensuing years his relations with Haakon deteriorated, and, in 1241, by Haakon’s (Hawk en) order, Snorri was assassinated at the age of 62.

His last words were “Do not strike!” Those are not the last words anyone wants to have. You’re not experiencing a peaceful death when your last words are “Do not strike!” Nothing good about that. Nothing fun about that. “See you on the other side.” “My love for you does not die with this body.” - those are some dope ass last words. I want to have a shot at those as opposed to “Do not strike!” or “No! No! I’ll tell you anything! Just don’t pull that trigger!” or “What’s that giant knife for!?!”

So that’s Snorri. The Norse, Christian man who documented the Norse Non-Christian mythology of the Vikings. The man who compiled all these various old poems and stories into one place. And, in all likelihood, put his spin on them. A. Who were the Vikings? So - who were the Vikings before they were a respectable but not elite NFL franchise? You know I’m right. You know I’m right! I’ve enjoyed many a Viking football team but NOT ONE SUPERBOWL. NOT ONE! Randy Moss. Adrian Peterson. Chris Carter. Farve. Four appearances. NOT ONE WIN.

Someday we will really get into the historical Vikings on Timesuck. But today is not that day. Today is a brief overview of actual Vikings to help understand Norse mythology - but a tale of Viking culture and conquests requires at least its own episode if not several.

Continuing with the definitions provided by norse-mythology.org:

“The Vikings were seafaring raiders, conquerors, explorers, settlers, and traders from modern-day Norway, Sweden, Denmark, and Iceland who ventured throughout much of the world during the Viking Age (roughly 793-1066 CE). They traveled as far east as Baghdad and as far west as North America, which they discovered some five hundred years before Christopher Columbus. They spoke the Old Norse language, wrote in runes, and practiced their ancestral religion.

1. What are Runes? So what are Runes? They are super weird, annoying letters that all of the Norse Gods names are written in. FUCK RUNES!

They are any of the characters of any of several alphabets used by the Germanic peoples from about the 3rd to the 13th centuries. And the Vikings, being Germanic, had their runes. Norsemen were Germanic people who inhabited Scandinavia and spoke what is now called the Old Norse language between 800 CE and 1300 CE

The name 'Viking' comes from a language called 'Old Norse' and means 'a pirate raid'. People who went off raiding in ships were said to be 'going Viking’. Vikings left Scandinavia and travelled to other countries, such as Britain and Ireland. Some went to fight and steal treasure. Others settled in new lands as farmers, craftsmen or traders.

And then years later, the Vikings moved around the Northern world - drawn to sail and explore like so many other ancient cultures - looking for wealth, prestige, power, and, of course, secret, mono-atomic lizard gold to appease their shape- shifting annunaki overlords. Who are the Norse Gods?? Space lizards but of course! Northern annunaki! Snow Lizards!

But seriously though.

We have the Vikings to thank for our present understanding not only of their own pre-Christian religion and mythology, but of that of the other Germanic peoples as well. Thanks to the Old Norse poems, treatises, and sagas that were written during or relatively soon after the Viking Age - old writings that ol Snorri Sturluson was able to compile and refer to when he gathered up all those writings he could find - we have a much, much fuller picture of what the Vikings’ religion was like than we do for the religions of any of the other pre-Christian Germanic peoples.

And there is SO much more to talk about concerning Vikings - BUT - Vikings wasn’t the topic that was voted in today. Norse Gods was. So, let’s talk about ‘em!

VII. Who are the Norse Gods? A. Who were/are the Norse Gods?

Well, first off - there are a lot of Norse Gods.

And one of them is today’s last sponsor - Odin’s House of Eye Patches! Whether you’re missing an eye, hiding a black eye, or just want to add a little mystery and intrigue to overall appearance, Odin’s House of Eye Patches in Duluth Minnesota has you covered. And it literally has your eye covered!!!

They have Black velvet eyepatches. Stained Glass Pope Patches. Vertical pupil Space Lizard patches! Metal Eye Patches that double as backup hard drives for your mobile devices and triple as working mini-drones. They have Bojangles eye patches that cover one of your eyes and allow your other to see into the future. All eye patches are no less than $37,000. BUT, put in the code Timesuck at checkout and then check yourself into a psychiatric facility because you’ve somehow accessed an e-store that doesn’t exist.

That’s not today’s final sponsor.

No, here it is.

Timesuck is brought to you today by Leesa mattresses.

With a patented Universal Adaptive Feel™, Leesa is designed for all types of sleepers and features 3 premium foam layers, including a 2-inch Avena™ foam top layer for cooling and breathability, a 2-inch memory foam middle layer for body contouring and pressure relief, and a 6-inch dense core support foam for durability and structure – which works for sleepers of all sizes.

And now, Leesa is continuing to expand its offerings to include: The Leesa Pillow, Blanket, Foundation, and Frame. No wonder it’s a Forbes’ Top 20 Startups to Watch.

Try a Leesa mattress in your own home for 100 nights risk-free. Available in the US, UK, Canada and Germany online, with free shipping, this 100% American-made mattress ships compressed in a box, right to your door. And then unfurls itself in the most magical way. It’s a bed fit for the Norse Gods! Thor would absolutely love a Leesa Mattress. So check one out at the Leesa Dream Gallery in SoHo NYC and Virginia Beach and over 80 West Elm stores nationwide. And Get $100 off when you go to L-E-E-S-A dot com slash TIMESUCK

Now. Back to So MANY GODS OF THE NORTH!!!

There are twelve main gods in Norse mythology. And that’s just the main ones. I counted 66 different Gods and Goddesses on another Norse website. That was the most I found on a legitimate looking website, there may be more.

Odin, Thor, Balder, Vidar, Vale, Brage, Heimdall, Ty, Njord, Freyr, Ullr and Forsete, – where Njord and Freyr are not Aesirs, but Vanirs living in Asgard. Sometimes, Agir and Loki are also considered Aesirs (Ey-sirs), Aesirs being the principal race of Gods. .

That’t not even counting Bojangles! And Lucifina! Winter Temptress! Lover of Thor! Seductress of Odin! Temptress of the suck! God of sex, drugs, rock n roll, chocolate cake, and fun! Hail Lucifina! Hail her SO MUCH.

Also - an odd thing about the Norse deities — they weren’t actually immortal. In the end, according to legend, they and the world will be destroyed because of the actions of the evil or mischievous god Loki who, for now, endures Promethean chains.

The Norse Gods could and did die, unlike the Greek immortals who lived up on Mount Olympus. Their interests weren’t the same as those of humans; they helped and hurt people as they chose. The deities existed to battle monsters and the outer darkness, and part of their interest in people was gathering enough warriors to help them fight the last battle. Gotta recruit more tough peeps for the Hall of Valhalla to prepare for the final battle! Gods - fighting to the death! So much fighting in this faith.

The Norse deities came in two flavors, the Vanir and the Aesir. (Ey- sir) The Vanir were the older, fertility gods; they included Freyr, Freya, and Njord [nyawrd] The Aesir Ey-sir) were more modern, warlike gods, which included Odin and Thor.

The Norse told a story of a war between the Vanir and the Aesir after the creation; and then the deities formed a truce and exchanged members with the result that they fused together and were thereafter collectively known as Aesir. Some scholars think this story describes a time when two cults struggled against one another and, ultimately, merged into one.

Now let’s talk about some of these individual Gods.

B. KING ODIN: KING ODIN Odin was the king of the gods. He was the father of most of them and in some accounts created everything — heaven and earth and humans; this accounts for his nickname, “Allfather.” He had a special high seat from which he can see everything in all the worlds. Only he and his wife Frigg were supposed to sit up there, but occasionally other deities snuck up there when no one was looking.

Gods getting tricked! C’mon bro! You’re a God. Step it up. If Gods are getting tricked how can the rest of us hope to make it through life?

Odin was immensely wise, but his wisdom didn’t come cheaply. He bought a drink from a spring of wisdom at a high price: one of his eyes. This drink made him want more wisdom, so he spent nine days hanging from some special tree, pierced by a spear, to get even wiser; during this experience, he symbolically died and was reborn.

According to the old stories, some ancient people who worshipped Odin practiced human sacrifice, which they accomplished by hanging their victims from a tree and piercing them with spears. To gain wisdom, Odin died in the same manner as his sacrificial victims and was reborn. The story of Odin’s hanging on Yggdrasill ( ig-druh- sil) has several elements in common with Christ’s crucifixion. Maybe news of Christ seeped into the old tales.

Odin was god of war and battle, a role that he inherited from the two older Germanic war gods Wodan and Tiwaz. He had a magical spear. He sometimes rode around on an eight-legged horse called Sleipnir (Slape-neer).

Man, I don’t know a lot about horses, but, eight seems like way, way too many legs for a horse. What kind of fucked up spider horse was he riding? Some horses have five legs. And they lead mighty fine lives being study ponies. Six legs - you already got at least one too many legs. And then eight? How long does that horses’s torso have to be to accommodate that many legs? Is it some kind of wiener dog/horse hybrid? More isn’t always better. The fastest animals on land always have four legs. You show me an eight legged cheetah than can hit 200+ mph on the open safari, and I’ll cut my own legs completely the Hell off.

And King Odin loved to stir up war. He was way more into war than he seemed to be in the Anthony Hopkins portrayal in the Marvel movies. Did you know that Paul Reubens, the guy who played Pee Wee Herman was originally offered that role? That’s because he wasn’t.

Slain warriors got to go party in Odin’s hall, Valhalla; they were brought up there by the Valkyries (Val-keer-ees), warrior women who chose only the most heroic warriors for this honor.

Odin was also the god of poetry, perhaps one reason why he appears in so many poems. He was responsible for bringing the magical mead of poetry to Asgard (a mighty fortress high above where humans lived). A giant had stolen this mead and sent his daughter to guard it. Odin burrowed into her cave in the form of a snake and then turned back into his handsome self. I TOLD YOU HE WAS ANNUNAKI! FUCKING REPTILIAN SHAPESHIFTER. DAMN SPACE LIZARDS!

But really, according to legend, he snuck in as a snake, then changed back - wish I could turn into a snake and then turn back - sounds awesome. Then he spent three days and nights with her, after which he sucked down all the mead and held it in his mouth. He turned into an eagle - EVEN COOLER THAN THE SNAKE! and then flew back to Asgard, spit out the mead into a pot, where all the deities could use it.

Super weird way to spread poetry by the way. Turn it into beer? I bet more people would get into poetry if you could drink it though. Get fucked up on some stanzas! Getting hammered on some quatrains

C. THOR THE THUNDEROUS: Then we have the beloved Thor aka Torr in Old Norse aka Tinky Winky in Old Made Up German.

Thor was the son of Odin and Earth. Pretty dope.

ME: “Who’d you just say your Mom was?”

THOR: “Earth.”

ME: “Come again?”

THOR: “Earth. My mother is Earth!”

ME: “Sorry. Not to get too personal, but, where is Earth’s vagina?”

THOR: “The Grand Canyon you fool!”

ME: “I wanted to guess that but didn’t want to be rude. Um - where’s her butthole?”

THOR: “Roswell. Roswell, New Mexico is Earth’s butthole. That’s why people there get weird about the aliens and such. Why so many strange folk live there. How could you not be at least a little left of center when you’re living in Earth’s Butthole!”

Enough butthole blabber for a bit.

While Odin stood for violence and war, Thor represented order — he was the God people called on if they wanted stability. He was immensely strong and manly. He carried around a huge hammer, called Mjölnir [myol-nir] which he used to keep the giants in line — no matter how far he flung it, it always returned to his hand (like a boomerang), and he could make it small enough to hide inside his shirt. And when he pounds a giant with his hammer, we hear it as a thunder clap. So, you know, sometimes when it rains, giants pour out of the fucking wood work. If there’s one thing Giants like, it’s a good downpour. Very few giants in Los Angeles. So many giants in Seattle. Maybe that’s what Sasquatch really is - some rogue, Norse giant hiding from Thor’s hammer!

Thor had a bushy red beard, a huge appetite, and a quick temper, though he didn’t stay angry for long. He was the patron of peasants. Thor was also god of thunder and lightning — the wheels of his chariot made thunder, and lightning came from a whetstone lodged in his skull.

Yep. And you thought the thunder hammer was weird. Turns out the lightning forehead rock is way weirder. Let me tell you a little story about lightning. And this is one of many stories about the Norse Gods. And they’re all kind of like this, tonally. Lot of action. Sex, violence - lot of shit happening.

1. Hrungnir: We also have Hrungnir (“The Brawler”) was the mightiest of all of the giants the animating spirits of darkness, winter, night, and the grave, who are often the enemies of the gods.

One day Hrungnir was paid a visit in Jotunheim (Yaw too n heim), the homeland of the giants, by Odin. Hrungnir didn’t recognize the god at first, and instead wondered aloud who this stranger might be whose horse could ride through the air and the water, as he had seen the horse do at the god’s approach. Odin bet his head that his horse – none other than the eight- legged steed Sleipnir (Slape near) – could outrun any horse in Jotunheim (Yaw too n heim) - the realm of giants. Hrungnir was insulted by this provocation, and straightaway accepted the bet and mounted his own horse, Gullfaxi (“Golden-Mane”).

The two raced through mud and streams, over steep, rocky hills, and between the trees in thick woodlands. Before the giant realized it, he had passed through the gates of Asgard, home of the gods. And, of course, he still hadn’t caught up with Odin and Sleipnir. The gods, seemingly in good cheer, invited him to drink with them.

After he had become drunk, he became belligerent, and boasted that he would kill all of the gods except for the Freya and Sif, the wife of Thor. These two lovely goddesses he would carry back to Jotunheim (Yaw too n heim). with him. Freya alone was stout of heart enough to continue filling his horn. Next he bellowed that he would drink every last drop of the gods’ ale. The gods soon grew tired of his anger and sent for Thor, who had been elsewhere fighting other giants.

That’s when you know you’re a badass - when the God’s call upon you to beat a giant’s ass. A giant so scary that apparently the other Gods are afraid to fight it.

When Thor arrived and discovered the situation, he lifted his hammer and prepared to slay Hrungnir there on the spot. The bellicose (and yet, we may suspect, inwardly fearful) giant accused Thor of cowardice for intending to kill someone who was himself unarmed. “Your name would be held in far higher honor,” the giant declared, “if you will accept my challenge to a duel.” Never one to lose an opportunity to gain renown and prove his abilities, Thor accepted.

When the arranged time had arrived, Hrungnir walked to the field near Jotunheim (Yaw too n heim) where the duel was to be held. He wore stone armor, brandished a stone shield, and menacingly waved a whetstone, his chosen weapon, in the air above him.

A whetstone, by the way, is a large flat stone you use to sharpen knives with. Weird choice for a weapon - a weapon accessory.

“And what weapon would you prefer? The Shotgun? Or the Sword?”

“I’ll take the gun bore snake. Or perhaps the sword scabbard.”

“Do you even know what weapons are?”

“Fine. I’ll just take the garden hose.”

“Just take the sword.”

“No! I prefer that rubber band there. No, the smaller one.”

Suddenly, he saw lightning and heard thunder clap above him, and Thor roared onto the battlefield. Thor hurled his hammer at the giant, and the giant slung his whetstone at the god. The stone burst against Thor’s forehead and shattered into pieces, and this is the origin of all flint on earth.

Aw! Now I get the reason for the whetstone. Had to explain the flint somehow. Got it.

Thor’s hammer also struck Hrungnir’s head, but this time it was the giant’s head that was shattered.

But a piece of Hrungnir’s whetstone was lodged in Thor’s forehead. So Thor sought out the sorceress Groa (“Thriving”), who sang spells over the stone to remove it from the god’s brow.

When Thor felt the stone moving, he told the sorceress many joyous things to encourage her, chiefly that he had encountered her lost husband, who would soon be home. But Groa was so overcome with emotion upon hearing this that she forgot her chants, and the rock remained lodged in Thor’s face until his death at Ragnarok.

Man. Sounds like these Gods could’ve used a decent doctor around. Doesn’t sound like spells are the best way to cure head wounds.

An issue of Pootie and JuJu issue number 1017 - Pootie vs Juju: Hammer Time was loosely based on the story I just told you.

Years later, rap prodigy MC Hammer would his name and the name of his diamond selling album, Please Hammer Don’t Hurt ‘Em

In that famous issue, Pootie and Juju were in the living room were Juju asked Pootie to hand him the hammer so he could hang a picture of his beloved Aunt Ting Tang on the wall above the fire place.

And Pootie, instead of handing Juju the hammer, hammered Juju in the face. And when Juju regained consciousness and his face stopped bleeding about 20 minutes later, he… was… furious!! This was AT LEAST the 50th time Pootie had hammered him in the face just that week alone and he was sick of it. Juju could take a joke as well as the next cartoon but this was ridiculous. No one should get their face hammered for someone else’s amusement.

Juju screamed! “No more face-hammering Pootie!” And then Pootie said, “I already said I was sorry when you were taking your hammer-nap!” And Juju screamed “Too little too diddle Pootie!” And then they fought, each struggling for control of the hammer until Thor showed up. And Thor screamed “Stop fighting and drink Ovaltine! The Vitamin fortified beverage for healthy families and the only beverage served in the Halls of Valhalla!” And he said that ‘cause Ovaltine sponsored that issue.

And then Pootie and Juju each slurped down some Ovaltines, new Thor hammers appeared in both of their hands, and they had a vitamin fueled hammer fight for 23 pages. And then Thor, who didn’t understand what was happening, said “I am needed somewhere! And awkwardly walked out. And then Pootie stared blankly into the middle distance and Juju thought about Aunt Ting Tang and wept.

I said it was loosely based. Sorry. Back to Thor.

Thor would kill lots of giants with this hammer.

Once, the king of the frost giants stole Thor’s hammer. He refused to give it back unless he could have Freya for his wife. The gods agreed, but then they tricked the giant. Thor dressed up as a bride and Loki as his bridesmaid, and the two of them went to the giants’ hall. The giants invited them to sit down at the table, and Thor proceeded to devour all the food and drink all the mead in a most un-bridal manner. Loki claimed that “Freya” hadn’t eaten in days, so excited was she about her wedding. Captivated, the giant king called for Thor’s hammer so that they could swear their marriage vows on it. Thor instantly grabbed it, ripped off his veil, and killed all the giants at the feast.

Sounds like those giants were pretty fucking dumb. Thor did NOT look like a woman, unless you’ve seen a woman who looks like Lou Ferrigno during his body building prime. I haven’t.

a) Transport: While his dad has an eight-legged spider horse thingy he rides around, Thor has an even more interesting method of transportation: A goat-drawn chariot.

And I know you might be thinking, “How could goats be more interesting than a eight legged spider horse?” Well, they’re pretty cool goats. They’re edible-rebuildable goats.

Thor’s two magical goats are known as the Tooth-gnasher and the Tooth-grinder. They can be “killed, eaten, and reconstituted the next morning”

How great would it be to have a perpetual snack haul your ass around? Like, I love grass fed beef steak. How cool would it be to have two bad ass bulls pull you around and then when you get to where you’re going, you kill them, eat some filet mignon, maybe a tasty burger, and then the next morning - there they are pulling your chariot again.

D. Heimdall: And then there’s Heimdall - the divine watchman, keeping an eye open for the approach of his enemies. He who guards the rainbow bridge that leads to Asgard. He will blow his mighty horn at the onset of ragnarok- the final battle that ends the universe.

His hearing is mysteriously sunk in Mimir’s well, just like Odinn’s lost eye. But somehow he can still hear so clear he can hear “wool grow on a sheep’s back”. Wow - how much would that suck? If you can hear wool grow on a sheep’s back I’m gonna assume the world is always too loud for you. Like, fucking all of the time too loud. If I was one of the other Gods, I would constantly sneak up and yell in Heimdallr’s ear. Smash my hammer on a rock near his head and just blow out those drums.

E. Heimdallr is responsible for establishing social hierarchy among humans. There’s an old poem in which he goes around and spends three nights in the mortal world - one night in a nobleman’s hut, one night in a peasant’s hut, and one night in a farmer’s hut. And each night he sleeps between the couple in bed, and each night he gets the wife pregnant. Sounds like a fucking creep! Why does he have to sleep with the wives that right in front of the husbands? Sounds like this God had some serious psychological issues.

F. He’s also somehow the son of nine different mothers who are all sisters. Not sure how you come out of nine separate vaginas simultaneously. Even creepier that they’re sister vaginas. Guess that’s one of the ways you know you’re a God. When you can come out of multiple vaginas at the same time. Maybe these sisters were siamese nontuplets? Nine heads, one vagina. Man. That’s a horrible head to vagina ratio.

I try to be accepting and not judgy about physical abnormalities, BUT, if you have nine vaginas that is WAY too many. You need to weed out some of them vajays.

VIII.Loki: There’s Loki - Odinn’s blood brother in some source stories and his adopted son in others. He had something to do with killing Baldr and gets tied up until the ragnarok. When ragnarok happens he gets untied and then he sides with the giants and fights against the gods. He’s always getting the god’s in trouble. He’s exceptionally cunning. He’s the son of a goddess and a giant. (Lot of giants in Norse mythology) He’s sometimes a man, sometimes a woman. He once gets pregnant from eating a half-cooked female heart. Didn’t know you could get pregnant that way. He’s the mother of the eight-legged horse, Seleipneir - (Slape near).

They don’t really get into that in the Marvel movies. That would be an odd scene - where Thor’s adopted brother suddenly pops out an eight legged horse out of his man-gina, and then his adoptive father rides it around. I totally get how the writers choose to leave that out. Be funny if one producer really wanted that scene though. Just wouldn’t let it go.

“What about the spider horse!?!”

“Joe. It doesn’t work for the movie.” “Ah, c’mon! Let him have a spider horse baby!”

“Joe. The movie is already way over two hours. Trying to explain a fucking spider horse baby is gonna take 30 minutes. Easy.”

“Why not just give Thor a pogo stick instead of a hammer then. You clearly don’t care about accuracy.”

“C’mon, Joe. That’s the not the same and you know it.”

“I want a spider-horse! I want a spider horse!”

IX. Frigg: Then you have Frigg. Odinn’s wife, the most important Goddess.

She was the Queen of the Aesir (Ey-sir) and the goddess of the sky. She was also known as the goddess of fertility, household, motherhood, love, marriage, and domestic arts. Some of these domains were also overseen by another Norse goddess named Freyja. In Norse mythology, Frigg’s primary roles were familial roles, mostly surrounding her husband and children.

Frigg represents family. She is known as a source of nurturing, patient and devoted love. Even in situations where fate is already set, such as in her son’s untimely death, Frigg still did everything that she could to alter fate. Frigg’s main symbols include the full moon, the sky, the spinning wheel and spindle, mistletoe and silver, many of which are shown in artistic representations of the goddess.

And she got around in a chariot drawn by 10 legless ferrrets. The ferrets slithered around like little squirrel-snakes and it would take Frigg a lot longer to get places than most other Gods. Ususally, she would just end up walking. This frustration led her to becom the Goddess of Uber!

I have no idea how she got around. I don’t think she had any special transportation method.

A. Njodr: There is Njodr, one of the Vanir. God of the sea. He watches over fisherman. He can quiet winds.

One of the attributes listed for Njodr, is that he has “Exceptionally clean feet”. They’ve been washed clean by the sea. He’s also described as not being “fond of mountains”. Haha! These are actually listed as attributes. Holy shit.

Njodr “What can you do?”

Thor “I am the God of Thunder! I wield a great hammer and giants quake at my sight. And what is your power?”

Njodr “I can kind of help people fish. And make winds not as noisy. AND - look at my FEET. BEHOLD how VERY, VERY CLEAN they are! Not one pedicure. Not ONE mani-pedi, and yet my feet are SO CLEAN! Oh, and also - I would strongly PREFER that we not do battle, if need be, on or around any mountains. I am NOT fond of mountains.”

B. Freyr: There’s Freyr. One of the Vanir. Handsome. Mentioned as a war-leader but in Sweden is chiefly in charge of crops, weather, and harvests. 1. Attributes: Gave his sword away and must fight with some deer antlers at the final battle of Ragnarok. WTF?? Also - had an insanely huge dick. All idols of him have massive penises

“I am GOD! However, I am not able to use my God powers and procure myself a new sword in a viking land of so many swords. It is super annoying. So, I shall fight in the battle of the end-times, the most important battle of all - with some… well… DEER ANTLERS! Which, I’m gonna be honest, is really gonna be irritating. Probably gonna die quick in that battle. And by quick, I mean immediately. Good chance I’ll be the first to die.”

C. Freyja: There’s Freyja (Frey-ya) One of the Vanir. A Goddess closely associated with sexuality. She fucks almost every other God in various old tales. She loves getting it on. Good for her. Is Frey-ya Old Norse for Lucefina? Hail Lucifina! And Freyja is good to invoke in affairs of the heart. Fond of love songs. Chooses half the slain, along with Odin, for the final battle - that’s pretty important.

She weeps tears of gold. Arguably the best kind of tears. Wish I could make some gold money when I get sad. Owns some kind of fancy neck-ring.

She gets around via a “Chariot drawn by cats”. Seriously. What’s with the weird animals and chariots? Did they have that hard of a time finding horses? The rebuildable goats are pretty cool, but cats? I can’t see cats doing a good job of hauling a chariot around. I feel like they would just lay down, look irritated, and stare at you instead of pulling that chariot. I’d much rather have the edible, rebuildable goats than to have the cats.

D. Other Gods There’s also Balder, the son of Odin and Frigga, was especially favored and loved by nearly every being in the world, but he was the first god to die, killed by Loki's treachery.

Tyr presided over public assemblies, legal matters, and battles. His hand was bitten off by Fenrir the wolf, a monstrous enemy of the gods. Damn! Even Gods can lose hands. That’s unfortunate. I would think one of the best parts of being a god is keeping all of your limbs.

Hel was goddess of the netherworld, and half her face had human features while the other half was blank (blue as a corpse) She ruled the dead.

And there are a lot of other gods. And then there are different versions of each God. Old Snorri may have collected a lot of different old poems into one book but it wasn’t the only book on Norse Gods. And, when you have a very complicated and elaborate mythology, and then different versions of that same mythology, you are bound to have a lot of disagreements. And I have a feeling those disagreements are going to produce some fantastic arguments on this week’s Idiots of the Internet

Pause Idiots of the Internet

X. Idiots of the Internet A. Under a video titled Norse Legends, some modern Norse believers get real shitty real quick in the comments.

B. User Kohan Killetz goes right for the juggler, posting: Your god was nailed to a cross… My god wields a hammer. Any Questions?

Wow! Coming in HOT! Dude. Why you gotta shit on Jesus? I’m not religious but c’mon, Christianity is a way more established as an organized religion, as fragmented as it is, than Norse mythology. So, you know, hop down off your high eight-legged spider horse.

Another angry Viking, user Domen Medle, posts more anti- Christian fury: “LIVING??? GOD??? HE IS DEAD anyway...... your god is naild to the cross and my god have a hammer any coincidence? ... and my gods will rise again and to slaughter Christian dogs…"

Easy buddy! Damn. Yeah - your God has a hammer. He also has a weird hunk of rock in his head and gets around via goat chariot. So, again, get down off your high edible, re-buildable goats and calm the fuck down.

USer Dutch 10469 simply posts “Hail Odin!” And then Harrison MacArther psots Hail Thor! And then Alexandrus Megus posts Hial Loki! And then ThuleDragon 666 posts Hail Wotan! (The old Germanic origin of Odinn) And then I posted “Hail Nimrod!” cause I find it hilarious to think of Norse nerds racking their brains trying to figure out which Norse God Nimrod is.

You know, the more I researched this topic, the more Norse Gods started sounding like dungeons and dragons to me. And then I learned why. Of course it sounds like that. JRR Tolkien, he of the Lord of the Rings fame - was obsessed with studying mythology. He loved Norse mythology and knew it well. And the world of Dungeons and Dragons takes a lot form Tolkien - elves, dwarves, giants and a variety of magical creatures - and Tolkien took a lot from Norse mythology.

We’re gonna talk soon about Norse Mythology lives as a modern religion - againg, our own editor Jesse Dobner practices a verion of it - and at first I had a real hard time taking any of this shit seriously. But then I read the post of User Clabrooky: ‘still sounds more believable than the bible.”

And, while I disagree, I don’t think this stuff sounds more believable than the Bible, I do have to accept that all religion inherently sounds crazy to those not raised in it! Is a giant killing dude with a war hammer getting pulled around by Gods pretty over the top? Yeah. Sure is. But so is a talking, burning bush! So is a God that feels he has to sacrifice his fish multiplying son so that we can live forever.

When it’s not YOUR religion, it all sounds silly.

That being said, even by fantastical religious standards, this shit is pretty intense. And, on top of being out there, it just doesn’t seem to have any structure or organization. The old sources conflict in their reports regarding which God did what.

Like, for example, there’s no formal, agreed upon concept of an afterlife in Norse Mythology. There’s Valhalla, where warriors reside until a final doomed battle but then the universe ends. A new universe may be reborn. But that’s only in one old poem that Snorri may have tweaked. And nothing is said of what happens there.

There is a Hel, an underworld world beneath the ground presided over by a goddess who is also named Hel, but no one’s getting tortured. No gnashing of the teeth going on.

And what do the dead do in Hel or the local variations thereof? They typically eat, drink, carouse, fight, sleep, practice magic, and generally do all of the things that living Viking Age men and women did. Doesn’t sound too bad at all! If Hell is real - can it PLEASE be Viking Hell.

The lines between these various abodes of the dead are quite blurry, and there’s no consistent picture of who decides where a particular person goes after death, or how the decision is made.

An oft-repeated line is that those who die in battle are thought to go to Valhalla, whereas those who die of other, more peaceful causes go to Hel. Leaving aside the fact that this excludes all of the other places to which the dead are thought to potentially go, this artificially tidy distinction was first made by Snorri Sturluson, a Christian historian writing in the thirteenth century – many generations after the pre-Christian Norse religion had ceased to be a living tradition.

Snorri is known for attempting to impose a systematization on his source material that isn’t present in his sources (many of which we, too, possess), and this seems to be another instance of that tendency. Snorri himself blatantly contradicts his distinction between Valhalla and Hel in the one substantial account of Hel he provides: the tale of the death of Baldur, Odin’s son, who is killed violently and is nevertheless borne to Hel. No other source makes this distinction – and several contradict it – which means that this way of differentiating between who ended up in Hel versus Valhalla is surely an invention of Snorri’s.

So, again, lot of confusing texts which will surely be argued over, right?

C. Hel Comment Section: Look how confusing it gets in the comment section over just the concept of Hell itself.

User Drew Wynia posts: Drew Wynia can someone answer me this? why did baldur go to Hel? they say its for evil men and yet even baldur goes to there.

And then user ImNotJoshMay replies: Hel is for anyone who dies without honor. More like Purgatory than the Christian Hell. Since Baldur did not die in battle, he died without honor.

And then Valerie Vasillou: My understanding of Hel is simply that it's a place for those who do not die in Battle. That doesn't mean "without honor". You can be an honorable person and not die in battle

And then Cheeky Monkey posts: +ImNotJoshMay i think it is just NOT like Asgard. One for warriors and one for everyone else. are the women warriors too?

And I’m Not Josh May replies: +cheekymonkey Yeah that's a good description. Many people believe that Norse women fought alongside men, but historical evidence for it is spotty at best; as far as I know anyway

And the final reply is from Ethan Quirk, who says: Hel just means 'deep underground' it's not all torture machines and snake poison, that's just one area of it, it's kind of like a limbo that anyone who isn't chosen by the valkaries to fight in ragnarok goes, since the valkaries only choose people who die in battle, with what the Norse see as honour, those were the only ones who went to Valhalla, which after all was just a really big training ground when you get down to the crux of it.

1. Love this: You know what I love about this thread? The kindness! Seriously. While I lead off this Idiots segment with a few assholes, by and large, the majority of these comments were super respectful. Pretty cool.

The more I read, the more I came to respect the believers in Thor and Odin and others.

And, it reminded me, in a weird way, of the Cult of the Curious. Maybe, sometimes, religion doesn’t need to answer of all life’s deeper mysteries. Maybe it doesn’t make a whole helluva a lot of sense. Maybe it can just be a collection of cool stories that make you feel better about your life and more connected to others like yourself when you hear them. Maybe that is comfort enough.

Maybe listening to tales that remind you to strive to be better can be religion enough. While I see a bunch of odd tales of giant killing and strange transportation methods, others interpret life lessons regarding how to live with honor - how to live a warriors life - fight for what you want in life - please Odin, Thor, and the gods and bring yourself honor! - and if that turns them into better men and women - who am I to judge them or their beliefs? The Norse stuff never goes into Scientology or into other cult realms of alienation and control. And it’s fun. The characters are pretty cool. Worshipping Thor is like having Batman for a God.

So maybe this Norse mythology isn’t so silly after all. I mean, it doesn’t all make sense to me and I don’t really understand why you’d worship Gods that are just going to die in a final battle anyway - BUT - if you get something wonderful out of it - hey, whatever floats your Viking longship.

Some kindness for a change on this week’s Idiots of the Internet.

PAUSE IDIOTS OF THE INTERNET

XI. SUMMARY OF NORSE RELIGION A. Confused by any of this? I sure as Hell am. It’s inherently a bit confusing.

Before moving on to talk a bit about who people practice this religion today, let’s summarize Norse Mythology again.

B. Creation Mythology: Thank God for Cliffs Notes! I found the Cliffs Notes to Norse Mythology online, and they provided the best summary of Norse mythology I could find. So here we go! Let’s start with the Norse creation mythology.

“At first there was only a great void. But to the North of this void there formed a region of mist and ice, while to the South grew a region of fire. Niflheim was the name of the North, and Muspellsheim (“Moo - spell -shime”) of the South; and the heat from the latter melted some of the ice of the former, which shaped Ymir, the Frost-Giant with a human form. From Ymir's sweat came the race of Giants, and as the glacial ice melted further a huge cow was created to feed the Giants. This cow in turn was fed by salt contained in the ice. One day it licked the ice and hair emerged, on the next day a head, and on the third day Bur emerged, fully formed.

Bur had a son, Buri, who had three sons — Odin, Vili, and Ve. These three were a new race, not Giants but gods. They banded together and murdered Ymir. Most of the other Giants drowned in Ymir's blood, which created a great sea. From Ymir's body the three gods made solid land, the earth, and from Ymir's skull they made the vault of the heavens. Odin and his brothers then created the race of dwarves from the maggots in Ymir's body. Other gods joined these three, and together they erected Asgard and all its halls to be their own home.

Having established their supremacy, the gods made the first mortals, shaping a man from an ash tree and a woman from a vine. The gods bestowed breath, energy, a soul, reason, warmth, and freshness on this first couple. And from their male descendants Odin chose only the bravest to live in Asgard after they died, for these warriors would aid him in the final showdown with the forces of evil.

The cosmos was supported by a tremendous ash tree, Yggdrasil. One of its roots extended to Niflheim, which was the netherworid; another to Jötunheim, the dwelling place of Giants; another to Midgard, the home of man; and one to Asgard, the home of the gods.

How bad is this making some of you want to watch the Lord of the Rings movies again? So D&D.

“Odin knew the power of the gods was not eternal, for he and his comrades would die when the Giants and demons rose against them. The last fight, Ragnarok, would take place at Vigrid, a field one hundred miles in length and breadth. Odin would be swallowed by Fenrir the wolf, but his son would avenge him. Thor and the Midgard Serpent would destroy each other; so would Loki and Heimdall; and Tyr would slay Garm, the fierce dog of Niflheim, and be clawed to death in turn.

The stars and all heavenly bodies would plummet from the sky as the earth sank beneath the sea. The twilight of the gods would become night, and the universe would exist no more.

Yet there still existed a power, the Nameless One, that would give birth to a new world beyond the edge of time.”

So, um, huh. That’s the summary. There are tons of stories - but that’s the gist.

So now, let’s talk about the modern practice of this religion.

XII. Odinism and Asatru:

Odinism and Asatru! Those are the two main terms to describe the modern worship of Norse Gods. I’ve leaned heavily on a Vice article Jesse sent my way for this explanation.

Together, Odinism and Asatru constitute the largest non-Christian religion in Iceland - where some of the believers see the old stories as metaphors and others worship the various old Norse Gods. officially recognized by Norway, Sweden, and Denmark. It's gaining steam in America, too, where Thor's Hammer is now allowed to be carved onto military gravestones and prisoners are granted special accommodations to carry out rituals. I literally say a Thor’s Hammer decal on a truck today when I grabbed coffee.

Special note on Odinsim - there is a dark side to this one. "When I see the word Odinist, the red flags go off," says Joshua Rood, an expert on Old Norse Religion at the University of Iceland. "A lot of people who don't know any better, usually very new people, will consider themselves Odinists because they like Odin, they think he's cool. But they have no idea they're referring to themselves by a term that's connected to a movement that's racist."

To understand Odinism—and the way that it became a religion entangled with racism, exclusion, and American prison culture—you need to start with the original Scandinavian pagans. In the mid-1800s, a nationalistic climate led Scandinavian countries to rediscover their own historical religion. They found something to call their own—Norse Gods—and re birthed the religion into Germanic neopaganism.

In 1936, Australian author Alexander Rud Mills established the First Anglecyn Church of Odin, which claimed Odinism as "the indigenous religion of the northern European people." In his opening liturgical text, he mentioned "the fall from grace of the White Race by being untrue to the spirit of their forefathers."

Uh oh. Never good when you hear terms like “White Race” and “Forefathers” thrown together too closely in a document.

After Alex's death in 1971, he moved to the United States and published The Odinist newsletter.

The return to Norse gods was regaining steam. In 1972, an Icelandic farmer founded the Asatru Fellowship—a spinoff of Odinism—which was granted recognition as an official religion in Iceland. While many components are the same as Odinism—including the celebration of blot - a big Pagan feast and celebration - the worshipping of Norse gods, the same Moot Horn blasts and Mead Horn gulps—the religion wasn't based on an indigenous claim. "The Asatru has a holistic, environmental touch—and they feel very closely connected to Mother Earth," said Michael Nielsen, a professor of Viking History at Copenhagen University, in an email. All are welcome, no matter your heritage or color.

But a few years later, in 1976, American Stephen McNallen also adopted the term "Asatru" for the creation of his own organization, the Asatru Folk Assembly, a non-profit organization based in Nevada City, California. (McNallen created a precursor to this organization in 1972, under the name The Viking Brotherhood.)

"I found the Norse system of courage, honor, and daring much more compelling than the submission and submergence of the individual I saw in Christianity," McNallen told me through email.

And then there’s Odinists.

"[Odinists] claim they are opposed to racism, but they define racism very differently from the average person," says Joshua Rood, an expert on Old Norse Religion at the University of Iceland. "They say, 'We're not racist. We just believe in keeping ethnicity separate.' Which... it's racist."

McNallen's point-of-view—which mirrors that of Odinist organizations both in America and Europe—is that everyone has their own culture, and we should stick to it. "I do not believe we are born tabula rasa, or 'blank slate,'" writes McNallen. "We are the latest edition of our ancestors in this slice of space and time. Our native culture, or a logical permutation of it, is the one that suits us best because it arises from our very soul." Despite the fact that McNallen's ancestors have been in America for 200 years, his bloodline was in Europe for 40,000 years before then, and thus, he argues, his ancestral line "transcends space, time, and mortality."

For his part, McNallen says he's "never claimed that non-Europeans cannot practice Asatru. But I wonder why they would want to follow European native religion rather than the entirely valid and worthy native religions of their own ancestors. I wonder what their own ancestors must feel at being slighted so.”

I don’t understand this line of thinking at all. Why would you worship something just because your ancestors did? I don’t give a shit what my dad or grandpa or great-grandpa believe about religion or spirituality. I’m my own person with my own mind. And a belief system being around a long time isn’t a good reason to keep believing it. Widespread racism and sexism have been key components of belief systems for millennia. No intelligent person thinks we should keep them going forward. This McNallen guy sounds like a huge tool.

So, while the European followers of Asatru worship Thor without the emphasis on racial or ethnic heritage, the Asatrus in America look more like Odinists, who emphasize racial heritage. It all gets kind of confusing. "I feel a bit sorry for both movements," writes one scholar. "The sources about Old Norse religion were written down after centuries of Christianity, and it is therefore possible to fill in whatever suits you."

The idea has caught on in American prisons. The Holy Nation of Odin, Inc., a non-profit church that worships the Old Norse gods, is run by Casper Crowell from his prison cell in California's maximum-security Corcoran State Prison. Crowell is serving a 54-years-to-life sentence as a California Three Strikes offender, the final strike coming when he shot a man in Palm Springs in 1995.

So that’s not good. Never good to have a lot of murderers in your faith’s upper executive levels.

To join Crowell'sHoly Nation of Odin, Inc., you have to pay $40 membership fees, unless you're incarcerated, in which case it's free. In order to be considered, you must give up drugs (prescriptions are OK), leave your political ideology at home, follow the sacred runes, keep holy the blot, and, oh yeah, be white.

Crowell is a former member of the Aryan Brotherhood. He left because it wasn't as pure as he'd liked. Instead, he turned to the teachings of David Lane, the white nationalist founder of The Order who was serving a 190-year sentence for the 1984 murder of liberal radio host Alan Berg. Lane also infamously coined the term that particulary resonated with Crowell, the so-called Fourteen Words: "We must secure the existence of our people and a future for White Children."

It's not shocking, then, that followers of Odinism aren't known as being the best people.. Glenn Cross, the 73-year-old who killed three people at Jewish institutions in Kansas last year, wears a Thor's Hammer medallion. Ryan Giroux, who killed one and wounded five in a shooting spree at an Arizona motel earlier this year, has Thor's Hammer tattooed on his chin. According to some reports, 15 percent of American Odinists are "overtly racist.” I’m guessing at least 15% of Americans in general are overtly racist though - so don’t get to wary of Odinists.

XIII. Conclusions A. So, you know, to wrap this up - worship the Norse Gods of old if it gives you some kind of peace but don’t think that Thor is a symbol of White Power.

I learned a lot this week. I knew people have been finding Jesus in jail for years but I had no idea they were finding Thor too.

Me, I’m gonna stick with Nimrod. My editor Jesse, he’s cool with Nimrod but is gonna stick as an Asatruar. I interviewed him a bit via email, and he sent me back some great stuff regarding what worshipping the Norse gods means to him.

B. Jesse Interview: 1. How do you practice this religion today? I barely practice it in a way that is as rigid as a Judeo-Christian set of worship. There are “feast days” or blots (pronounced like bloat, but comes from the same root as bless) and since I’m a solitary practitioner I don’t really do those as much. An exception is Yul (Yule, Christmas basically). It lasts for 12 days and each day has a focus. Aside from that I do the weekly devotions. Odin gets a glass of wine, vodka, or mead. Thor gets a beer or really anything that I feel he might like. I’ve given him energy drinks and even chocolate milk. Have you tried chocolate milk lately? Stuff is delicious. And it’s controversial but I give a drink to Loki too. He causes problems but everyone usually ends up better than where they started because of him. He usually gets something sugary, energy drinks or redbull.

Another more active form of worship is doing things those gods would approve of. Wednesdays-study something. Thursdays- help someone move, carry an old woman’s groceries, help the poor. A little harder to pull off with Loki, admittedly.)

2. Do you pray? I do, usually just for thanks. Thanks for making me a certain way. Thanks for helping me achieve something. I assume they have a level of influence so I thank instead of ask. Would you rather have someone leave you thank you notes or requests for things? Only rarely do I ask for direct help, like when I’m getting on a plane. Then I ask for the whole plane to arrive safely, not just me.

3. Is there an Asatru equivalent to the ten commandments? You bet! The nine noble virtues. It’s a modern convention but if you look in the Eddas and the Havamal you see these themes again and again. a) Courage b) Truth c) Honour d) Fidelity e) Discipline f) Hospitality g) Self Reliance h) Industriousness i) Perseverance

4. What code of ethics comes with worshipping the Norse Gods? Basically see above. There are other more specific things in the Havamal that are kind of omnipresent tropes throughout all religions. Love your family, be a good person, spend your time wisely. Know yourself. Improve. Stuff like that.

Pretty cool shit. Thanks Jesse. Hail Thor! And Hail Nimrod!

Now, let’s take five more glances to the North with some Top Five Takeaways.

PAUSE TOP FIVE TAKEAWAYS INTRO

XIV.Top Five Takeaways 1. Number one! Thor is sometimes driven around by goats you can eat over and over and his dad rides a spider horse. Lot of imagination points go out to those ancient Scandinavians! 2. Number two! Roswell, New Mexico is the world’s butthole. Fact! No. That’s not a fact. But it makes me laugh.

3. Number three. All of the Norse Gods will die! They will fight to the death at the final battle that ends the world - Ragnarok. And until then they battle daily around Valhalla. So much fighting.

4. Number four. The Norse Gods are alive today in the hearts of the faithful. And, thankfully, not all of those faithful, not even most of those people, are white supremacists.

5. Number five. New info! The Gods of the Norse do not live in only our world. They do battle in many realms. Here’s a quick overview of the cosmology of the Norse. There are many realms that exist amongst nine separate worlds. a) Midgard, the home of humanity and human civilization. That’s where we live! b) Asgard, the world of the Aesir tribe of gods and goddesses c) Vanaheim, the world of the Vanir tribe of gods and goddesses d) Jotunheim, the world of the giants e) Niflheim, the primordial world of ice f) Muspelheim, the primordial world of fire g) Alfheim, the world of the elves h) Svartalfheim, the world of the dwarves - SO MUCH D&D! i) Hel, the world of the eponymous goddess Hel and the dead j) Poot-ul-heim - the world of Pootie and Juju k) Nimrod-heim - the world of Nimrod, Bojangles, Lucifina, Triple M, Jimmy Ingram and more. l) And Chikatilo-heim - “Why you do this?? Why you put Chikatilo in Norse God episode. It is strech. It is big stretch. More stretch than soft shame cock which look more like old chew toy than human penis. Look like worn out rubber tube from years of tugging and wrassling. What is big deal with Chikatilo? Why Timesuck care about monster? Maybe this further punishiment for Chikatilo crimes. To be shamed over and over after death and now sent to even live in Norse worlds.”

The last three MAY have been made up, but those other nine worlds are real.

PAUSE TOP FIVE TAKEAWAYS OUTRO

XV. Final announcements A. Norse Gods is in the Suck Pile. In the Suck Heap. Stashed in the “Did It” Suck folder.

Now pay fucking attention and listen to these tour dates. The 2018 Flat Earth standup tour is happening. Write down which one you’re coming to on a note pad. Don’t have pen or paper? Use your blood!

San Francisco Punchline tickets have just went on sale TODAY. April 25-28. Scoop ‘em up! One of my fav clubs. The club I recorded Chinese Affection in.

B. Brea this week Cleveland in two weeks. Charlotte, Atlanta, Birmingham, Huntsville, Nashville, Houston, Dallas, Salt Lake City and San Francisco all coming up in April. Everything but San Francisco and Salt Lake City in one big week.

More info up at www.dancummins.tv. Check out those dates and snatch up some tickets. Wear your Timesuck shirts. Or don’t! Just show up and have a great time!

C. Thanks to social media master manager Sydney Shives, Events Coordinator and amazing patron saint of the @secretspacelizards social media accounts Harmony Vellekamp, show notes editor extraordinaire and Asatruar Jesse Dobner and the entire Timesuck team including interns Maddie Teater and Deanna Marino.

Thanks for all the reviews - spreading the suck!! Best way you can help the show is to spread the word. Post on social media. Reference it on Reddit. Every review helps every time and you guys write the most wonderful things and I read every review. It helps so much. Thanks for the emails - sorry I can’t get back to each and every one. Not enough hours in the day. D. Thanks to the Space Lizards for voting in today’s topic.

E. Next Monday on Timesuck we suck on a topic my sister Donna Hale, a fantastic teacher and human being and Timesucker and researcher suggested and researched - the Bielski Brothers. The real life story of a Polish Jewish family that the Daniel Craig movie Defiance was based on. A family that organized a militia and fought back against the Nazis with the mission to save as many Jews as possible. An powerful story of courage and compassion. Get ready to tear up fuckers. Get ready to be inspired. Get ready to remember why you must always fight. Never give up no matter what odds are stacked against you. We’re gonna remember to Rise Up Timesuckers. I’m so excited for this episode.

And this Friday, we have a bonus episode! What is it? Check out @timesuckpodcast on Instagram and find out!!

It is now time for some Timesucker Updates.

PAUSE TIMESUCKER UPDATES INTRO

XVI.Timesucker Updates A. Timesucker Update:

Today’s first Email is From Ethan Waud - a fellow Northwesterner who gave me a nice reminder to keep an open mind. I was touched!

Message: Oh his Holiness the Suck Master Cummins, Prophet of Nimrod, Delta General of the Bojangles Army, and successor to the chairman of the Ministry of Silly Walks. My name is Ethan Waud and I am a devout Sucker by choice and a Christian Youth Pastor by profession. I just wanted to write in regards to my deep appreciation of you and your open minded, hilarious, and insightful podcast that has brought great joy to my days and has scratched my eternal itch for knowledge of the strange and curious. As I said I am a youth pastor and love what I do trying to help young people know that they are loved and valued is my passion as I truly believe whether you believe in a higher power or not that it is our deepest desire to feel loved and know we are appreciated (btw I deeply appreciate you and hope you know you are valued!). On that note I have been a huge fan not only of your podcast since it first aired but also your stand up which has brought me laughter on countless road trips. I know that we may share different beliefs but I deeply appreciate that you don’t crap on people for what they choose to believe, or their beliefs themselves. I know that being sure of what you believe and why you believe those things is important, it is equally as important to be open minded to what others believe and why they believe it. Open mindedness is the key to a cohesive and caring community which is what I have found here in the Cult of The Curious. Thank you for facilitating this incredible movement and keep on Sucking! May Bojangles Bless you and Nimrod be pleased, Ethan Waud (like Spit-Wad) P.S. if you ever make it out to Bend, OR let me know so I can by you one of our way too many craft brews! Also do you think you could do an episode on the Montauk Project? It’s a fascinating conspiracy that includes everything from Kidnapping and sleeper cells of young men to time travel and mind control. I think you would be pleased by sucking this topic to completion. P.P.S I got married last weekend and my now wife (Leah) is getting into the Suck as well, any chance she could get a shout out?

B. One more heartfelt update. An update from an amazing Space Lizard, Rob Thomas, who came to Coeur d Alene a little over a week ago and shared an amazing story with me. My passion for Timesuck inspired him to throw himself into his own wonderful cause, the Tyler Quinter Foundation.

https://www.tylerquinterfoundationinc.org

Also, on any social media platform, if you search #beliketyler, you will see posts from people that knew him, were impacted by his story and shared, or anything related to the Foundation.

And what is this foundation? Let’s hear Josh describe it.

Dan,

When I came out to meet you, I wanted to give you the Foundation's shirt as a token of appreciate for all that you have done and to say thank you. Tyler's loss hit close to home due to his attitude of changing the world through kindness being similar to my Uncle and Aunt who lost their battles to cancer. With his passing, I had learned that I had not grieved those two appropriately and a ton of demons came to surface. The past couple of months have been rough but with the help of you, your comedy, and your podcast, I have been able to battle those demons.... listening to Timesuck is my therapy. I cannot begin to express how appreciative I am for you to take the time to listen to Tyler's story and how we are working to keep his memory alive. I can say that after we spoke, I called Mark and Lori, Tyler's parents, to tell them how compassionate you were and how his story affected you; they both asked me to express their gratitude and thanks.

To both of you, thank you for taking the time to listen and allowing me the opportunity to speak about the Foundation; you both have gained a friend for life due to your overwhelming generosity and kindness.

Your faithful Suck Servant,

Robert Thompson Secretary The Tyler Quinter Foundation

So go learn more, Timesuckers, about this wonderful young man.

He passed away last year at 13. He was born with a double Congenital Heart Defect. Tyler required four open heart surgeries to correct the defects. In addition to the heart surgeries, Tyler endured years of follow up appointments and tests which at times required overnight stays in the hospital. Tyler had several other surgeries as a result of his heart defects. Through all of the bad times Tyler would find the strength to fight and come out on top and have a compassion about him that is like no other human. Tyler made everyone else a priority putting others before himself every day, needless to say Tyler was wise beyond his years.

The last year of his life, Tyler made and sold bracelets in school. He then used the money he was raising to buy lunches at school for kids who couldn’t afford them. Wow.

And now his foundation provides scholarships to students who exemplify all of Tyler’s traits. It also assists families’ financially who have medically fragile children. We want to continue telling Tyler’s story and assist those in need as he has helped for almost fourteen years.

Powerful shit. Emotional stuff.

And now, we’re gonna lighten shit up with some mush mouth updates!

C. Colecovision: This first one from Timesucker Tom Kohler. Got a lot of emails about this word. Tom writes:

Hello prophet of Nimrod! Since you're always getting people helping correct your pronunciation, (Damn you papyrus!) I wanted to just chime in on something in the Tupac/Biggie episode. You mentioned Biggie has a Colecovision, or at least, that's what it sounded like you were trying to say. I do remember these from my childhood, I had a friend who had one. They are pronounced co-lee-co-vision. I can totally see how you might say cole-covision.

And Tom sent some links and I have to say - that gaming system looked way better than the Atari I had. It came with Donkey Kong and it’s games were way closer to Arcade games of the early 80s than the Atari was. And then it started to die in the Video Game Crash of 1983 when there were just too many systems. By 1985 it was gone!

D. Next pronunciation update is from Super Sucker George Riley. George writes:

I have been listening to you since i first heard you on TomandDan. I loved the show and all your content keep it coming you sick time Sucking Lord. On the Tupac & Biggie suck you kept pronouncing his mothers name wrong so i know it was not on purpose can you please pronounce it correctly please out of respect. Keep sucking I love your sucks and me being a Black male listening to you suck and have so much detail and do research correctly on so many other Africian Americans thank you Congratu-SUCK-lations TimeLord of the Big Suck world

Thanks George! Yeah, sometimes with people it’s hard to find pronunciation name guides. So you have to go to videos - BUT - in a documentary they might only say the name of a minor character in the story once or just a few times in a two hour period and you don’t know when that will be. So, I’m gonna keep trying but I’m also gonna keep fucking up names from time to time. Just know it’s never out of disrespect.

Today’s episode - Norse Gods - is about as white of an episode as you can get - and I feel like I fucked up WAY more names than I did last week. Thanks for continuing to listen dude. Hope to see you at a Florida show this summer!

Alright - one more update about last week’s episode. It comes in from JT Henry.

E. Alright MixMaster Suck, finally something I can learn upon you. In the Biggie and Tupac episode you say that Marvels Black Panther was then first mainstream African-American superhero. Actually the first main stream African-American superhero was The Falcon, introduced by Marvel in 69 3 years after Panther. While Black Panther was the first mainstream black superhero, he actually hails from the African nation of Wakanda (Wuh-con-duh), making him the first African superhero. Side note, Wakanda is perhaps most well known in real life as the home of the vibrator. Queen Ramonda in 1855, who served as Queen mother over her son once her husband the King died found herself in a pickle, in that she wanted some good-good, but the society would have required she remarry, which she did not want to do. So she, (or a handmaiden, history is unclear) came up with the idea to take a gourd (likely a local hard squash native to the country), dry it, hollow it out, and fill it with bees. While the bees would die after a while, while they were alive they vibrated the gourd in a most pleasing way. Love the suck, Keep on Suckin P.S. You might want to google Wakanda before you read this on the show ;)

Well, I did Google Wakanda. And then I googled Wakanda Vibrator. And then I googled Wakanda bee gourd vibrator. And Cleopatra was the person who invented the old bee gourd vibrator not Queen Ramonda (I also googled Queen Ramonda bee gourd vibrator)

You got me you son of a bitch! you got me. Well done. And thanks for the update.

PAUSE TIMESUCKER UDPATES OUTRO

XVII.Goodbye! A. So that’s it Suckers. Have a great week and by the power of Thor’s Thunder Hammer, I command you! Keep on sucking!!!

Primary Source: The Norse Myths: A Guide to Gods and Heroes by Carolyne Larrington (Kyler let me borrow it - he used it for a school project.

https://thesvartalfheimenquirer.wordpress.com/2015/02/03/my- struggle-with-the-h-word/ https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.vice.com/amp/en_us/article/ qbxpp5/how-a-thor-worshipping-religion-turned-racist-456 https://asatru.is https://amnkay001.wordpress.com/tag/norse-gods/ https://norse-mythology.org/ http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-35935725 https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/rune http://thenorsegods.com/bifrost/ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poetic_Edda http://www.sacred-texts.com/neu/pre/pre04.htm https://guidetoiceland.is/connect-with-locals/regina/snorri-sturluson---the- most-influential-icelander-ever https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greek_mythology#Literary_sources http://www.dummies.com/education/history/american-history/the-good-the- bad-and-the-mortal-the-deities-of-norse-mythology/ https://www.thoughtco.com/about-norse-mythology-120010 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PkyHfon46Ic- good accent and pronunciation guide video http://mythology.net/norse/norse-gods/frigg/ https://norse-mythology.org/concepts/death-and-the-afterlife/