Cold Open: What in the shit are we talking about this week? Norse Gods! Turns out they’re still being worshipped today. Who knew? Well, our own Timesuck editor Jesse Dobner who is a practicing Asatruar. (Ah-sah-true- are) Apparently a lot of people in Iceland also knew and quite a few in Sweden, Norway, and Denmark. Even a few Timesuckers. I didn’t. I thought Thor was a comic book character whose Marvel mythology kicked off three really successful movies and made Chris Hemsworth a star and Stan Lee even more money- like he needs that. I had no idea that those movies and the comics they came from were based on real mythology. Turns out the Scandinavians have an origin story as fantastical and interesting and magical as the Ancient Greeks. And just like some people still worship the Ancient Greek and Roman Gods from Mount Olympus - seriously - somebody is hoping he’s on Zeus’s good side right now - others worship the Norse Gods of Asgard. As in Thor. Right now. Present day. Did not know that. I learned so much this week - my mind was expanded in surprising ways - and now you too are gonna learn so much and have a great time in this Norse Gods edition of Timesuck! PAUSE TIMESUCK INTRO I. Welcome to Timesuck A. Intro/pre rolls: What’s up Timesuckers and Space Lizards! I’m Dan Cummins and this is Timesuck. Recording from scenic Couer d’Alene, Idaho! 1. Pre Roll #1: And Today’s Timesuck is brought to you by a brand new podcast - Big Questions with Cal Fussman podcast. Have you ever wondered how Kobe Bryant became an Oscar nominee? Did you even know he’s an Oscar nominee? These are the kinds of questions that Cal Fussman gets answers to in his podcast, “Big Questions with Cal Fussman.” - Best-selling author and Esquire columnist Cal Fussman talks to people who have lived extraordinary lives, from Kobe to Dr. Oz to Tim Ferriss. And he has really deep, thoughtful conversations with these guests and you’ll end up with burning questions answered, and a few new ones to think about. Are you intrigued by Mr Fussman? Me too! So subscribe to Big Questions with Cal Fussman now in your favorite podcast app, like Stitcher or Apple Podcasts and enjoy getting that curiosity itch scratched! 2. Pre-Roll #2: Timesuck is also brought to you today by the new Stitcher podcast, DEAR FRANKLIN JONES. And Franklin Jones is a cult leader and the narrator of this podcast was born into his strange, strange cult. Growing up, reporter Jonathan Hirsch’s [pron. hersh] family was..a little different. Jonathan’s parents worshipped Franklin as a God. Join Jonathan on a journey to find out what really happened, and whether the group really did become a cult. This is an awesome new podcast that is fucking fascinating and incredibly well produced. Enjoy Timesuckers - I know how much you love cults! Subscribe to Dear Franklin Jones, in Stitcher, Apple Podcasts, or your favorite podcast app. B. First Space Lizard Topic: Alright - Big first today on Timesuck fellow members of the Cult of the Curious. First episode chosen by the Space Lizards. The first number one vote getter for the first half of February on the website and the app. And you didn’t take it easy on me. Did not expect this one but I’m glad I got it. Recording from the CDA Suck Lair. Reverend Doctor Josh Krell monitoring the sound waves from his new tech temple here in the Dungeon. Fancy new iMac looking so pretty. Watching the sound waves on the big old monitor. Trying to make sure Lucefina doesn’t sneak in and corrupt the Suck. Begone Lucifina! Hail Nimrod! Big thanks to all the Timesuckers who came to Minneapolis. I’m recording this before getting there but I know that at least 3 of the 4 standup shows sold out and that podcast sold out so i fucking love you guys. Gonna be at the Brea Improv - SoCal- this weekend, March 8th - 11th. Supposed to be on some great podcasts down in LA - gonna be on the Church of What’s Happening Now with Joey Coco Diaz. Gonna be a guest on the Adam Corolla show. Gonna be back on Tin Foil Hat with Sam Tripoli. Lot of fun podcasting coming up this week. Hail Nimrod! And then, back in my wife’s hometown - back at Hilarities in Cleveland March 22-24th. Get there Cleveland. You fucking get there. Tickets been selling well and I love it. Salt Lake City April 20-21st. Charlotte, Atlanta, Birmingham, Huntsville, Atlanta, Dallas, Houston, and now San Antonio all part of the 2018 Flat Earth tour. More tour dates at www.dancummins.tv - big Southern tour in early April. Big Timesucker Update regarding a very cool foundation a Timesucker is a part of - #BeLikeTyler - info for that at the end. And now, time for Norse Gods! PAUSE INTERLUDE II. Intro: Alright - you guys ready to get crazy today? Shit is gonna get weird. So many legends. So many Gods. III. Pronunciation note/warning: First things first, may be a fair amount of pronunciation errors this week. I didn’t exactly have time this week to learn OLD NORSE - so I could translate all the obscure, weird-ass Icelandic & Norwegian and Old Norse bullshit words into proper English. It would’ve taken 40 hours to just learn the word pronunciation. BUT - I think I present acceptable pronunciations for most of today’s Gods and their surroundings. IV. There is a lot of shit to sift through in this one. Second. Lot of info about this subject out there. And it’s very complex. You can get a four year degree from University College London in Viking and Old Norse studies. And then you can get a Masters from the University of Iceland in Reykjavik (rey-kyuh-veek). Do you hear what I’m saying? You can study this shit for at least six years. Minimum. There’s so much. I had no idea when I started researching how complicated this stuff is. So - we’re gonna hit overviews which still may be more complex than you’re probably expecting. This shit is intense. Okay - disclaimers out of the way, I’m grabbing my Thunder Hammer and getting into this shit! V. What even is Norse Mythology? A. So what even is Norse Mythology? In simple terms, it’s the Northern European equivalent of Greek and Roman mythology. Very similar, actually, in certain ways. The best definition I could find on-line comes from, not surprisingly, a website called norse-mythology.org. That’s right. An entire organization dedicated to Norse Mythology. There are actually many organizations dedicated to Norse mythology. And they all have tons of info to offer. The tag line for norse-mythology.org. is, “Norse Mythology for smart people”. And here’s how these self-proclaimed smarty-pants answer this question: “Before the Norse (a.k.a. the Vikings) were converted to Christianity during the Middle Ages, they had their own vibrant native pagan religion that was as harshly beautiful as the Nordic landscape to which it was intimately connected. The centerpiece of that religion was what we today call “Norse mythology:” the set of religious stories that gave meaning to the Vikings’ lives. These myths revolved around deities with fascinating and highly complex characters, such as Odin (Oh-din) Thor, Freya (Freya) Loki (Low- key), and Nimrod - True King of the North and the one God to rule them all! Thor’s hammer is actually just a tool that Nimrod lost when he was tinkering around with one of the planets, trying to nail some rings to it. And it’s super powerful. And it was Nimrod’s tiniest, weakest hammer that he didn’t even bother to look around for. He totally doesn’t even care about it. Okay. So maybe there is no “record” of Nimrod in Norse mythology. Maybe they just haven’t found one yet. The other stuff is legit. The Norse religion never had a true name – those who practiced it just called it “tradition.” However, people who continued to follow the old ways after the arrival of Christianity were sometimes called “heathens,” which originally meant simply “people who live on the heaths” or elsewhere in the countryside, and the name has stuck. Heathens man! They’re almost as bad as the riff riff and the peanut gallery. Old world Pineys! “Well, look-ee here now, I got some puke, tastiest puke I ever did lick. Outta my woman’s beard. Well look-ee here now, with the full belly, I made a butt- baby with that woman o’mine, and grew a big Viking beard. And stuck Thor’s hammer in my butt! And poked ol’ Odinn in his eye! And made moonshine in Valhalla. Yee-haw!! I’m done now for the moment. Back to Norse exposition from the good folks at norse-mythology.org, who add: “Even though some aspects of it may strike the modern reader as bizarre, if we approach it with the open mind it deserves, we can recognize within it the common human quest to live life in the presence of the transcendent majesty and joy of the sacred.” Bizarre, as you will soon see, will be the understatement of the year. Some of the Gods of the North are VERY, um, interesting. “And even though it’s been a thousand years since the last Vikings laid down their swords, people today continue to be inspired by the vitality and wonder of the Norse myths and the gods who inhabit them.