Mermaids Family and individual support for teenagers and children with gender identity issues

Where do the Mermaids stand? Poetry, prose, artwork and personal stories by children, young people and their parents

Contents page Mermaids and Action for Children 1

Acknowledgements 2

Introduction 2

In the words of children, young people and parents 4

Useful links and contacts 29

Mermaids and Action for Children Mermaids was started in 1995 by a small Mermaids works with families and carers group of committed parents who each had to help them to: a child with a gender identity issue. Since then, despite working with often very little • have a greater understanding of their financial support, and with always a small child’s issues and how these affect them group of proactive participants, it has grown • help their child overcome any problems in numbers and now supports approximately they may have 400 families and individuals across the UK. Action for Children is one of the UK’s leading Mermaids’ aim is to support children and voluntary sector providers of children’s teenagers who are trying to cope with gender services. It has around 420 projects, helping identity issues. It: over 156,000 children, young people and • offers support and information to parents, families across the UK. The organisation families, carers and others, including also supports work in southern Africa, the professionals Caribbean and Central America.

• raises awareness about gender issues Action for Children helps the most vulnerable among professionals and the children and young people in the UK break general public through injustice, deprivation and inequality, so they can achieve their full potential. The • campaigns for the recognition of this issue organisation has extensive experience of and an increase in professional services working with other organisations to deliver with trained gender identity disorder (GID) the best possible services for children, young aware staff people and families. The partnership between Mermaids and Action for Children is a good example of joint working. Acknowledgements Introduction We thank the fantastic and courageous Mermaids and Action for Children have worked children, young people and parents who together to produce this anthology of poetry, have been so generous in their creative and prose and artwork created by children, young sincere contributions. people and parents.

Thanks to Linda, Susie and all at Mermaids The aim of this publication is to: for providing the original anthology for reworking, and Wendi Bestman and Paul • provide a platform for creative expression by children, young people and parents Devlin at Action for Children for working living with or affected by gender with Mermaids to produce Where do the identity issues Mermaids stand? • raise awareness of the thoughts, feelings and perspectives that individuals and families who are living with gender identity issues have and take ownership of

This anthology project is part of a larger portfolio of joint work between Mermaids and Action for Children that promotes equality and inclusion for children, young people and families in respect of gender identity issues.

2 www.actionforchildren.org.uk Giants, Wizards, and Dwarfs was the game to play

Giants, Wizards, and Dwarfs was the She took it for granted that there was a game to play. Being left in charge of about place for Mermaids and that I would eighty children age seven to ten years old, know just where. while their parents were off doing parenty things, I mustered my troops in the church Well, where DO the Mermaids stand? All the social hall and explained the game. It’s ‘Mermaids’ – all those who are different, a large-scale version of Rock, Paper and who do not fit the norm and who do not Scissors, and involves some intellectual accept the available boxes and pigeonholes? decision making. But the real purpose of the Answer that question, and you can build game is to make a lot of noise and run around a school, a nation, or a world on it. chasing people until nobody knows which side you are on or who won. What was my answer at the moment? Every once in a while I say the right thing. Organising a roomful of wired-up grade- ‘The Mermaid stands right here by the King schoolers into two teams, explaining the of the Sea!’ says I. (Yes, right here by the rudiments of the game, achieving consensus King’s Fool, I thought to myself.) on group identity – all this is no mean accomplishment, but we did it with a right So we stood there hand in hand, reviewing the good will and were ready to go. troops of Wizards, and Giants and Dwarfs as they roiled by in wild disarray. The excitement of the chase had reached a critical mass. I yelled out: It is not true, by the way, that Mermaids ‘You have to decide now which you are do not exist. I know at least one personally. – a GIANT, a WIZARD, or a DWARF!’ I have held her hand.

While the groups huddled in frenzied, From All I Really Need to Know I Learned whispered consultation, a tug came at my in Kindergarten pants leg. A small child stands there looking by Robert Fulghum up, and asks in a small, concerned voice, ‘Where do the Mermaids stand?’

Where do the Mermaids stand?

A long pause. A very long pause. ‘Where do the Mermaids stand?’ says I.

‘Yes. You see, I am a Mermaid.’

‘There are no such things as Mermaids.’

‘Oh, yes, I am one!’

She did not relate to being a Giant, a Wizard, or a Dwarf. She knew her category. Mermaid. And was not about to leave the game and go over and stand against a wall where a loser would stand. She intended to participate, wherever Mermaids fit into the scheme of things. Without giving up dignity or identity.

Where do Mermaids stand? 3 In the words of children, young people and parents

I bring my favourite stuff to school But other kids can be so cruel They laugh and point and say ‘Oooh’ And I just don’t know what to do

I bring Barbie to school But they lie And when I go they don’t say ‘Bye’

Alex (7)

4 www.actionforchildren.org.uk ‘The first time I heard I was Gender Dysphoric ‘All the kids I know that have and what it meant I was quite pleased to know gender problems. I can’t really I was a boy and as months went by I started to be allowed to have boys things like trucks mix with and all I want to do is etc. A few weeks after I started Year 5 my mum talk to them and get through told Mrs Morris my problems. But there’s still a bad side to it and it’s getting larger than to them. I think for me getting the good. The bad side is the people keep on through to them is impossible.’

hassling me and it’s nearly the whole class! Jake (10) Asking me if I’m going to have a sex change and why I want to be a boy and I say I am a boy because I don’t want to tell them the whole story. One person in Year 6 called me a lesbian and another a transvestite! People are going too far on me and don’t realise I’m not a tomboy and there are loads of girls that are tomboys in my class and the school. Sometimes it’s nice to actually be a boy but sometimes I think I’ve got a long way to go till I’m a full boy.’

Jake (9)

Where do Mermaids stand? 5 Half Boy, Half Girl: Sounds weird, doesn’t it? But it can happen.

Psychologically a boy, physically a girl basically means: inside boy, outside girl.

The mind is more important than the body, you’d be dead without a mind, and in the mind I am a boy and if the mind is more important than the body, I am a boy.

Jake (9)

If this description fits you it doesn’t mean you’re weird, unless you come from another planet.

Jake (now 11)

6 www.actionforchildren.org.uk I do not like boys What is my life? It’s dog’s muck, I feel a bit on the girls’ side that’s what! I do not like my willy I just wake up in the morning feeling because I want a baby. like dog’s muck and at the moment I like to dress up as a girl I’m ill from being depressed. I used to have a boyfriend My favourite toy is a Barbie. No-one takes me seriously and they When I grow up I am going to probably won’t take this writing dress up as a girl seriously or they won’t understand. I know I’m only 10 but does that Theresa (7) mean I’m just a little kid?

Paul (10)

O God, what have you done People don’t understand Shouting out questions Like a big brass band They’re horrible and nice It’s too confusing to be precise People like me don’t even understand I want to talk to someone That really understands And no – it’s not my Mum and Dad.

Peter (8)

Where do Mermaids stand? 7 Thoughts of a distressed twelve year old I’m stuck in the body of the other gender!

At first, ignorant reaction of another 12 year old would be ‘Oooooh! Hmmmmm! WOW! Oh, my God!’

When I was eleven (it’s surprising how you can grow up between 11 and 12) someone said ‘Wow! I wouldn’t mind it!’ True, he wouldn’t mind it for a day (that group of kids were a bit pervy at the time) but for your life... the future is scary.

Rumours go around school. Girls go off me. That’s bad, seeming to be one of the sad kids stuck in eleven-year-old-hood, who can’t get a girlfriend and so being stuck around the sad kids who I hate. The teachers think we should be friends because they’re nice to me.

Once I saw a girl, and I thought ‘Something should be going up down there!’

Jake (12)

8 www.actionforchildren.org.uk Gender Blending Society. A weird place to be. People only see This is the kind of treatment I get all the time. what they want to see, only hear what they I am misunderstood wherever I go. People want to hear, and believe unfounded rumours. only seem to treat me as a male. This is Everything else gets ‘brushed under the wrong. People should respect each other as carpet’, as it were. People are scared of INDIVIDUALS – forget the stereotypes! I am what they can’t, or don’t, comprehend. a unique individual. You can’t put someone I, being a transsexual, know first-hand about in a mould – you can’t second-guess who they all this double-standard stuff. People see me are. This is exactly what’s happening to me, as 100% male – in body and mind. Trouble is, and needless to say, nearly everyone else in though, that transsexuals may look like one my position. sex, but their minds function as the other sex. So, in many ways, society is one big, big bag To achieve our full potential as individuals, of hypocrites. My social life is non-existent, we must be treated as who we are, not as basically, and because I have not been people think we are. We must be allowed to accepted by most people, I don’t particularly think in our own ways. If I say I am internally want one. female, then people should not keep taking the proverbial out of me. I should be treated People see me as a young man. They apply as a female... not as a male. This is torture a masculine stereotype to me. When they for us transsexuals, and our lives are not find that I am, emotionally, a member of made any easier by ignorant people. We the female community, they call me queer, are discriminated against by immature, gay, homo... the list goes on. In fact, being insensitive people, who only think of their own transsexual is not gay. For instance, Mr and pride, not the already battered feelings Mrs------are the parents of my of their prey. ex-boyfriend. They thought that I was gay, and banned me from contact with him. Anne (16) Their fears were groundless. I am not a homosexual; the only thing wrong with me is that I am incarcerated in the wrong body. Is that my fault? Mentally, I function as a girl. I’m sure his parents wouldn’t mind him going steady with a girl, so what’s wrong with me? Essentially I AM a girl!

Where do Mermaids stand? 9 Stand Strong and Stand Proud... Faces in the mirror, none appear to be mine Yet two minds within were once forced now to twine Why so I can’t say, why life was so grey And those around hence, would not understand sense

For I spoke with my soul, my heart as my lips My future as bright as an impending eclipse A boy, I say not A girl, should not say For if other than ignorance hits the world, t’would be insane

Those children around me, cast darkness like chalk Upon the filth-ridden road of life I now walk Stare, laugh and point, with frozen cold eyes That if you understand, I know you are birds So why can I smile and forgive your despise? Set free from the ignorance of society’s hurts I care not for money, nor power nor art Fly free my friends, my cherished small birds I only care for those friends close to my heart And so I sit here and wonder, A blessing I should say, whether girl or a boy that they hold me so dear My friends stand beside me, They care not for the differences, I’m just society’s toy but embrace my life here The one who is exiled, because Though only there be five, they seem to not need ’em each one help me strive And so should I claim that last And help shield me from pain breath of my life that encircles this life For freedom? So when someone asks ‘is this freak boy or girl’ I do not wish for my words to be cruel They call me a friend, Only to reflect what people at school their cherished white pearl Do to my heart, the hearts of all like me I give you this warning, lest my tragedy repeat And as hallowed as they are, And for others like me, I offer you truth I guess I’m the one Stand strong and stand proud, Who must face the ignorance do not give into youth of a world now undone I lost my will, but you need not lose yours I hear of the others, So stand strong and stand proud who claimed their own lives Whilst inside you, fight wars… Sometimes I wonder if that would be nice And so here I sit, this girl writing words Annie, who sadly committed suicide aged 15

10 www.actionforchildren.org.uk Intractable Situation LIFE IS so hard. I don’t know how I cope. Things just get so difficult: I’m losing all hope; People seem to find it so very hard to see How I can be a girl trapped in a boy’s – a man’s – body.

THEY FAIL to grasp why depression sets in, They fail to see what’s under my skin. They mistake me for a boy. In some ways they’re right But I refuse to give up without a fight.

I THINK there’s a word for it – transsexuality. It means across the sexes – where I don’t want to be. I have the mind of a woman, maternal urges and such. But I have the body of a man – it’s just all too much.

MY BEARD started growing the other day. My body maturing in every single way (ugh!) But not the one I want, the one I need, The one that will make sure I’m freed.

I NEED release, before it’s too late... The pressure is getting too much, too great. What can be done? I’ll have to wait, For the magical release date...

WILL IT be too late? To salvage my fate? Can I hold on for a few more months While controlling my hate

FOR MY body – that thing so against my soul I fear Nature has scored an own goal! I want to survive. I want to live. Not male – But female...

...and in doing so...

...realise my full potential.

Debs (16)

Where do Mermaids stand? 11 I Am How dare you try to define me? I am more than a sum total of your categories.

You say I’m gay, or a freak. You can’t know that. What’s more, it is none of your business.

Do not worry over what I am. Know that I am. I am a human being, just like anyone else.

I am not in some kind of ‘alternative lifestyle’. I am not a freak.

I am not different. If I’ve annoyed you, shoot me now if you like.

I don’t care. I’m going to die happy You can do anything to me.

Jessica

So what has brought on this euphoric sensation? The Big T that’s what. T.E.S.T.O.S.T.E.R.O.N.E. I tell you It’s the first and last Drug I’m ever going to take And I’m on a permanent high So forget about E’s and Whizz There’s nothing quite like this hallucination And it’s real!

Oh wait, it’s the happy pill. It’s starting to take effect again. Would you like to try some? Good, because it’s all mine. The first and last hit is for me. I’m the most important. I don’t care about anyone today. I don’t care about the world today. I have all I need right here in my backside pocket.

William (18)

12 www.actionforchildren.org.uk Freedom When I grow up I will be a man. I will look like a man. Like a bird without wings I will eat like a man. I am a man without a face Without a voice I will feel like a man. With no feeling I will talk like a man. But I know And I will breathe like a man. This is my life now I can’t start again I am a boy now. I know what I need That is, I feel like a boy now. But I don’t do it But I am growing up. And Because Dad doesn’t want me to When I grow up I will be a man. Pain that I keep inside William (18) Where I am I can’t wait till I’m free I’ll fly away I’ll be able to see my goal clearer Nothing in my way Nothing stopping me.

Jake (18)

The Testosterone star Guides me

To the operating table. And I am safe. Yes, I am safe Because the star is Guiding me And I trust it completely.

William (21)

Where do Mermaids stand? 13 When nothing heals How’s about starting a normal life? But Sometimes consoling words have no value won’t starting in the middle always be (though appreciated) difficult? But I suppose I never thought Because nobody understands life would be so, well – tricky! What Nobody knows how disgusting it feels happens when the only thought that Time is against me occupies your mind is ‘I WANT TO BE And so is the body. NORMAL!’ and suddenly you realise that’s Every minute struggles by the only thing you’ll NEVER be. And knowing one day I won’t feel like this Sometimes doesn’t make this better Of course you have friends offering to Trying desperately to be positive help. But when they will never truly Though nothing heals. understand, what’s the point? As soon I let myself punch walls again as you get close to normality somebody For a moment of release moves the barriers. Sometimes I try to But I’m still angry convince myself that I am normal, it’s just Still drained the ones who don’t understand or don’t Still sickened try to, who aren’t normal. Somehow, I Still in pain never can truly convince myself enough. I know other people have But when I ask for help, what happens? problems in their lives too Nothing. Exactly. But that doesn’t help the pain in mine Because there’s only one cure Perhaps I’m being selfish, stubborn, Out of reach paranoid, or one of the thousand But in my view other things I’ve been called. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me Or people’s sympathy Why does it all have to be so f****** Just want to feel at home in the one place hard? I constantly have to live. Lisa (18) Jake (18)

I’m a girl, he’s a guy I’m a girl, he’s a guy if you bother to tell What can’t you ‘get’ or be dealing with? But no-one believes me Don’t stare at him or me like you can when I spell out my name feel our frustration Just a figment of my own personal pain Don’t start asking how and Just a lie you spell out clear wondering why Just a phase you’ll pass my dear You’re pointing to the sky firing I couldn’t help to slouch around, a search to the critics to where I am staring at the plaster on the ceiling When I’m not yet the doctor’s patient That has me bound. It’s hard to hide I’ve never liked drag and I f****** hate Madonna I swerve and sway, extending my So back off with your clichés of what presence about the places I see around I can offer I couldn’t help but wonder why If I may I’m not such a bad person You can’t accept the colour on my nails

14 www.actionforchildren.org.uk He’s a guy, can’t you tell? or the impotence between us It’s not a figment of his own Or do us a favour and lie down and die special brand of hell It’s his turmoil you inflame, the spite I am a girl with a penis and testicles, haven’t and hate you throw his way, a heavy you realised the feelings why? object to his complexion. Just a knife to help Can’t you ‘get’ that all this clutter you heave him with keeping his attention. on our facades, can’t be the fret that fate It’s his screaming inside his head that burns bestows, but it still cuts and bleeds and the picture in his mind, and motivates me to write this prose on the reflection of the mirror It still wounds the needy beside his lovely pink bed. It still steals from the look that’s left wanting I’d like to push you off a cliff, and You just couldn’t sit down and listen, could tell you the reasons before you land. you? You just couldn’t be the mother and I just couldn’t feel, not a little pissed father you are. You can’t let me be happy at 13; When I heard you make him cry you had to force me to change outside and let He moves aside and has a moment to feel me fall to pieces within my glass and crystal The bloody shocked eyes, and the sharp edged male exterior. What’s contained gripping of his hair. in here? Lots and lots of pain and a hint of envy. For the faces we see… Who we would Don’t you understand it’s his life that he risk our life to be, to be needs, not a cage that he lives in not the suffering you like to bury him further in. BITCH That’s how we feel inside. You make me sick and terribly tired, So I’m a girl and he’s a guy. when will you just roll of rooftops and die? Please remember. When I realise it’s just another person And don’t. Don’t. Ask why. trying to live out his life. Can’t you fill up on paracetamol and pay the Lindy (18) paramedics an adrenaline good time? But you feel the need to dissect his intent And make him scared and make him shake All inside I feel a sigh

Where a flame makes a sigh? Well… Blows out and loses a will to burn up the hate filled eyes that you ejaculate on our weary broken prison sells

I’d like to make you the f****** mess you see when pitying me, so your eyes gather at my clothes Wondering if these are my real breasts I’m a girl, and he’s a guy Let me get it clear for you so you don’t have to – Kick us in the Auschwitz in your category mind So you don’t have to feel obliged, to apologize and bore us with all the similarities in your life. Let it go and don’t bother me about my penis

Where do Mermaids stand? 15 Ramblings Confusion fills my mind I’ll be right Disembodied thoughts and voices I’ll feel alright Floating around my head But can I last? Who what how It’s all so hopeless I need to know Isn’t it? I need to change Pointless and foolish This isn’t right Do I have a chance? I know inside I’m the The pain, I long to feel one that’s wrong To make it all real again Lost To make it all simple Stumbling But I can’t I need someone to understand Not again To listen Never again Someone who understands But instead I’m alone and waiting Evan (18) Maybe one day

Song of a New Dawn Back against the wall Me against the world That’s how it feels But unarmed I crouch, curl up Hide from the blows of the world Run through the wilderness of myself Only to be confronted once more

When you cannot trust yourself Who can you trust? When all you are is what you shouldn’t be But people don’t understand They don’t listen Making it even harder for you to speak

Hope that tomorrow Will bring a better day Will lift me from this misery Guide me Shield me Hold me Heal me

I don’t care anymore I wait for my New Dawn

Evan (18)

16 www.actionforchildren.org.uk Yetafell Arop Doctor The Doctor’s Waiting Room Car ym mhob man Cars everywhere Dar gar car, car-carchar A prison, two prisons – no, a prison Sgwr bed diwed Freud I wonder what Freud would say Tasin fyw If he was alive

Ar un ochr llumav farwol On one side pictures, alive Ar y Uall llumav fyw – On the other, dead pictures Dim bywoliaeth No life for me though Cyn lleiad o bobi syn fyw ywa Waiting, but forever? Aros ar aros am fyth No way out now Dim forold allan yn awr Of course the door’s open With gwcs maer dows ar agor But what about getting better And beth am gwellhai I’ve got no strength in my heart Sine hyder yn fy nghalor Dafydd (20) Dafydd (20)

As the poem suggests, I was sitting in the waiting room in the doctor’s surgery. I am on one side where all I can see are black oil paintings and a cupboard which acts as an invisible shield – a prison almost.

I feel an almost urgent desire to get out, to cross over – and as I do I see fresh paintings which show life and hope.

This is to me like the transition period, halfway through. The doors open, I can leave, change my mind. But what will that do to me?

Dafydd (20)

17 We are the children We are the children That they look at That must decide And laugh at Who we are And what we want We are the children Whose bodies are scarier And one day To face than their We will be the children Laughter That they look at And accept We are the children And respect. Who must come to terms With ourselves Oliver (20) And their prejudices

My poems are always written in pencil wrong (which is the way I see it), for not because I never feel that I have satisfied my beating myself up, and for ignoring my body. anxiety that caused me to write it in the first place and generally to symbolise that they are Sometimes I can’t sleep and I will lie awake not perfect, complete or truthful in explaining crying and feeling like I am going mad my feelings. because I feel so trapped with no escape, because some days I can’t accept it. Knowing It’s hard to explain something for other it’s OK to cry is so important, particularly I transsexuals because although we probably think for female to male transsexuals because share a lot of feelings in common we are all the general feeling is that men shouldn’t cry different. I think it is very important that it is and as a female to male I have thought in clear that nobody is worse or better off than the past that I shouldn’t cry, to cling to my anyone else (both other transsexuals masculinity. I can, but it’s not necessary. We and generally). are all just who we are.

It is very easy to think that someone much I sometimes choose between accepting, or younger being able to be in the gender role accepting that I can’t accept it. It also makes more comfortable to them, is lucky, but being me angry when I see my pain getting in the transsexual in the first place is not lucky. way of my A levels and I know I work very hard. However I personally find myself forced to I have a lot of determination but sometimes think what I have gained from my situation. you can’t concentrate and you see other I think the most important thing is a more people doing fine. You think they don’t have secure knowledge that my family do love me all your extra problems and you have to work and that the friends I have are real friends. twice as hard. But you can’t compare yourself Strength is also very important. I find myself to other people because you don’t know what very proud to know I got through a day without problems that they have, and it’s not going to having overwhelming feelings of aggression help you anyway. towards the rest of the world for making me James (18)

18 www.actionforchildren.org.uk Starlight I see a light, Across a nasty sea, There’s rarely any good news, Weather forecasts always bleak, They’re making waves,

Waves, making for A rough journey through life, Parents, friends, family, ends just never will meet with strife, On this dark sea,

Living a lie, To fool pirates and sharks, On boats drifting aimlessly, But dark skies are filled with marks, They’re shining stars,

They show the way, Within dark there’s more to life, we’re mermaids after all, We belong in the water, Despite danger,

So there I sit, Plan a course by starlight, Meeting friends along the way, Together, one day we might just reach that light.

Lucie (19)

Where do Mermaids stand? 19 For me it has been a gradual process. At the never bullied? In the third year the questions age of ten I finally persuaded my mum to stopped and most people accepted me, agree to have my hair cut short. At this time because I didn’t make a fuss about things I was in the Junior School and there were no like wearing a skirt, people began to forget strict rules about the way pupils should look. that I wanted to be male and so I was treated There wasn’t even one for uniform, so I got as female. I just accepted this at the time away with wearing trousers. I participated in although it hurt. Most of the effort I could have sports and school events and thankfully I was put into worrying about this was better spent never bullied for looking a bit different. working for my GCSEs and when it came to doing my A levels I continued to concentrate At Secondary School there were strict rules hard on my work which was something of a about uniform and I decided it would be relief, because it stopped me thinking about easier if I stuck to them, so I wore a skirt. my gender problems all of the time. Sometimes I look back and wonder if I should have refused to do this, but I guess I didn’t Having said this though, I was finding it want to cause trouble – to me this would have increasingly difficult because of my gender reminded the teachers and fellow pupils that I dysphoria and was referred to St George’s was ‘different’ and so I went along with it even Hospital for counselling. In the beginning, I though wearing a skirt was very hard for me. enjoyed it, then it got very boring, but at the time I left (at 18) I realised that it had been During the first two years of Secondary necessary. At the start I was unable to control School, people would ask me if I was going to my emotions and was unwilling to talk, but have a sex ‘change’ and I would say ‘yes’ – I slowly over the two and a half years I was never denied it – perhaps this is why I was there, I started to talk about how I felt, and became much more able to discuss my Gender Dysphoria with others.

This year I have begun to live in the male role, and since leaving St George’s I have made an effort to talk to my friends and tell them about my need to go through gender reassignment. All have been very understanding. I have even started going back to my Secondary School to tell my old teachers and they have been very supportive.

I have been very lucky because I have never had to deny who I am. Lately someone asked me a question about my Gender Dysphoria and I have been honest with them. This, along with counselling at St George’s has helped me to reflect on my past and look to the future with increased optimism.

William (18)

20 www.actionforchildren.org.uk Will I ever cope with being a transsexual? I very often asked myself this question over But I had prepared myself for the worst and and over, and I can tell you there are no easy was ready to deal with anybody who was ways of coping with being a transsexual. going to cause a fuss, but fortunately I didn’t I know for me, being a female to male have to. If society wasn’t so prejudiced, half transsexual has not been exactly easy. At of the battle would be won already. I think it is times it’s been so tough that I thought I important not to expect too much from yourself wouldn’t get through it, especially school, as I have found through my own personal but here I am. I did survive school and now experience. You have enough pressure to cope I’m taking the first steps towards being what with already without piling a load more on I should have been all along. I think that even yourself. I used to overcompensate for the lack though it has been, and still is, rough going, of maleness by being a bit too ‘macho’ which it’s made me a much stronger person. Not on a number of occasions resulted in steaming physically stronger, but inwardly. You see, I’m rows with my parents. Especially my mum over now adopting the attitude that if someone the ironing, well, blokes don’t do ironing. Do has a problem with the way I am it is THEIR they? I usually ended up with more creases problem NOT mine. It takes time but you just in a T-shirt than when I started it. But I HAVE have to keep pushing yourself on, even if grown up a bit since then. I do my bit now. It’s you don’t feel like it. And try to blank out the important to talk stuff over with the people you narrow-minded ignorance that is around. are close to, it helps. There is no point acting the ‘Tough Guy’ if inside you are falling apart. I recently started a part-time college course in Other people can put things in perspective, my new identity, which took a lot of courage maybe give you some good advice or just as I have had no surgery or hormones so I cheer you up. was not sure if I would pass as a nineteen year old lad or not. Luckily I was the youngest And finally give yourself a pat on the back for of the class, the others were a lot older than the little things you do no matter how small me so they didn’t take much notice, but one you think it is. I expect for some people, going rather loud bloke came over, and asked really to college would be no big deal, but to me ‘tactfully’: ‘Are you a boy or a girl, only I can’t it was a big step. It takes guts to cope with tell the difference these days.’ As all eyes being a transsexual, and I will say to anyone turned to me, I took a deep breath, and calmly who has ever asked themselves the above announced that I was a BOY. After that I had question: Be Strong, Have a bit of faith in no more queries, and am actually beginning to yourself, don’t take any crap from anyone, relax and enjoy the course. and, YES, YOU WILL COPE!

Keith (20)

Where do Mermaids stand? 21 My personal case study I think it’s a given that any trans person will I didn’t like puberty and I had reached it have some underlying problems associated before a lot of others. As I saw boys growing with their gender issues, both with themselves up (or not, depending on how you look at it for and with other people. Problems faced with some of them), I became very low, knowing family, getting professional help, problems in that I was being put with this group of school, anorexia, self-harm and depression boys with sky-high testosterone levels. is a serious but exhaustive collection of I was never really happy at school examples and I can relate to most of them too. after I hit puberty and I don’t think I was even clear with myself at first I’d always believed from an early age I should as to why, I mean, who wouldn’t be have been born physically a girl because confused, considering I’m an only I knew on the inside I was one. So I told child and the reaction I got before? I somebody at about the age of ten years that was becoming depressed. I was being I was going to make that change and his something I’m not and over time it took reaction was pretty bad. So I retracted it as a its toll. For me growing up confirmed joke straight away and I have no doubts that I who I am. averted a crisis for myself. It made me realise who this person was and that there were School holidays were when I was at my plenty of like-minded people at school, so I happiest points. I lived in a house that was thought I was probably wrong about myself completely sheltered from any neighbours anyway and lived in the dark for quite some or passers-by and could be whoever I time after that, playing as female characters wanted, but that is no longer the case. in games, much to the wonder of some of my This change pushed me so low that I was friends. I even picked a name for myself and having urges to self-harm, and still do spelt it backwards whenever I got scared today. The main cause of my depression someone would see. before was being part of the wrong crowd; it’s shifted more towards parts of my body now that I’m out of school. I wake up with a nasty urge every single day now and I get quite sick of it at the best of times. I find even looking at my own genitals, like in the bath, really traumatic. At a couple of times in my life I have even developed an eating disorder, not being able to keep much down but I was able to get over that myself, although my weight hasn’t been great for the last few years.

22 www.actionforchildren.org.uk I have had to deal with parents now that the I am to put all of this to one side and progress academic chapter of my life is over, plus I in life – how am I meant to do that, when I have been seeing professionals but mostly don’t want to live life as I am now? I have been to no avail. It actually turned out to be a big branded a gay cross-dresser by one parent step backwards as they didn’t know much which to me implies I am male in heart and about gender problems and I have just been soul which I am not. I have also been told that diagnosed with Asperger’s which doesn’t I can’t transition whilst the older generations really have anything to do with what I have in the family are still alive so I am to spend been feeling – it is an autistic spectrum many more years in the closet. I’m now 19 and disorder and there are plenty of trans people fast approaching Uni. I don’t really know how on that spectrum. It’s even been theorised I am going to cope. But I live in hope that one that the two are linked. I was actually told that day with my lives two will finally become one.

Lucie (19)

Where do Mermaids stand? 23 Essay – Do you believe that you have gender dysphoric feelings? When did they begin?

Do not hand in late, or face expulsion and that boys who disrespected me (and by from school, then sex, then species! extension, girls) had the problem, not me. The very qualities that I aspired to, such as hard In a certain light, yes, although gender work, good manners, morality (inculcated by dysphoria does not explain how I feel. I never my parents) so absent in boys, created an used to know there was a difference between (unspoken affinity) with girls in the classroom. sex and gender, and even now, think they are very difficult to disentangle. This is not to say Much as I desired to play with the girls, I feel like a male, just because of my biology. however, I lacked the self-confidence to do so, I do, in fact, particularly hate being called a and was persuaded to think, paradoxically, man, and I wouldn’t call myself it. I have come that socialising with girls was a privilege to see ‘man’ as implying substance, as seen of sporty, good-looking, self-confident in big strong men, which is something I lack in boys. In my heart I could not see why boys its entirety. and girls had to segregate themselves into different groups in any case (in the However, it is difficult to be treated in a way playground in primary school). I felt very which would not be obvious; I cannot make much a spectator. Going to a boys grammar people treat me as female just because I school also compounded my sense of artificial do not conform to the male model, and it’s segregation. It was only with growing up difficult to fight the world from the inside through adolescence, that I came to see life telling myself this is what it’s like to be a girl, as an adaptive exercise. I no longer saw the as I’ve generally never had that respect (cross- ‘system’ as my ticket to achievement and dressing is the exception which expanded my self-actualisation, when I had once thought mind to new possibilities). that my relationships would sort themselves During secondary school I became out naturally as in story books. The very accustomed to being called gay (derogatively) reason I went to grammar school was because and having a range of homophobic abuse I saw education as my redemption, to use a inflicted on me. Thus, my sexuality was religious metaphor. Work depressed me and questioned, and in so doing my common became meaningless, as a chasm opened gender was confirmed – in such a way that I up between the macho culture of which I was was a failure as a male. forced to be part and the learning process.

In such a state of mind it took great reflection Realising that I could not change the world, I to consider that I was not entirely a failure came to think I would have to change myself, (in view of my {lack of} abilities in sport, not fundamentally, but that I was on my or laddishness, for example) but that the own and self-expression was all I had. Part qualities which were looked down upon in the of this self-expression was sticking to my male world were valued in the female world. principles and not selling out to the teenage Thus, feelings of gender dysphoria would have male culture, and part was cross-dressing in implied that I appreciated I had been defined private. Cross-dressing confused me, because according to gender, when I think my naivety it was so sexual, and yet so pointless, perhaps and idealism from a young age made me think nihilistic. Yet in moments of truth, it opened up that I necessarily be valued for who I was, my mind to a new way of thinking, and seeing

24 www.actionforchildren.org.uk myself. I can best describe the experience as seem in a way revolutionary. In my early teens a gestalt shift: the permission to conceive the idea of actually being a girl would have of myself as female. The sexual aspect was seemed as much a silly fantasy or delusion liberating as it symbolised the happy-go-lucky that the idea that I could be anyone else other boy-meets-girl sexuality which had, it seems, than me (as some pop-star or a film star, been denied me growing up. Yet the sense of etc.). The thought too that transition and SRS fetish about it depressed me. This was not is possible also seems liberating. I want to guilt. It just looked like I was wasting my time, be someone I can feel proud of. I do not want because the female world was out there and to feel that I am deceiving myself either, so I I was closeted away, deceiving myself into must always be honest with myself (this is one thinking I really was a girl, I was being nothing sentiment which has never changed). I hope more than a transvestite. to be older and wiser this time around. Where this all takes me I don’t know. As the sense of self-expression sadly dried up as I came to realise that my new Grade E – see me consciousness demanded I express my female persona in the real world. In this way, the If you have any thoughts on this please just... sexual aspect of cross-dressing has faded Anon into the horizon, as I have come to confront the bigger picture (not an unsexual one, just one in which I am in control of sexuality). The more successful I have been in doing this, the less gender dysphoria becomes relevant as I became more self-assured and confident in who I am. The remaining sense of gender dysphoria concerns whether or not I would devote myself permanently to living as a female, which seems to involve transition. Anything that is temporary or reversible seems empowering, although if the result of this life is that I am compelled to choose between male and female, in the sense of conforming to a social category, then as I say, this undeniably involves gender dysphoria.

So, to summarise, gender dysphoria has never been the main way I understand myself, although I am never-the-less compelled to confront it. The idea of gender dysphoria, a term I have only known for a few years, does

Where do Mermaids stand? 25 Night time worries – by a parent My Daughter – from a parent it’s nightime and i climb into bed- handstand and cartwheels-she does it all- i cant sleep though- giggling and dancing and running around- there’s too many thoughts and to the sound of a girl band- i’m feeling so low! her feet tap the ground!

what do i do? barbies and jewellery littered about- tell me what should i do? handbags with glitter in her bedroom galore- i’m lonely and scared and her favourite is pink and she has a few- i havent a clue! girls like these things-well you know the score!

my neighbours will hate her bedding’s all pink-and so are her curtains- me- they’ll spit in my she wants bright pink walls-and probably face- my family disown with glitter- me- cos we re a disgrace! im not up for this and i shake my head- she s not happy with me-to her im a quitter! i wish this weren’t happening and it’s only a so as you can see-she’s a typical girl- dream- i’m tossing and she gives me stress but she s also a joy- turning- and i just want and i’ll hide my teardrops- to scream! [cos these i won’t show] because-she was born a ‘boy’!!! this cant be happening-and this cant be right-but i’ll just have to face it-and put up a fight! Written for my son so i’ll get up in the Do you really understand morning- and start over about the way I feel? again- one day things will be Have you ever stopped to think better- i just don’t know when! these feelings could be real? I did this poem in the very early days after my child got a For many years I felt confused, GID diagnosis. Things have got better since this. trapped inside a shell. I felt I should have been a boy but I still looked like a girl. At times my thoughts tormented me and drove me to despair. When I needed good old sound advice none was ever there. After years of endless searching I decided what to do, No matter what you all may think I’m prepared to see it through I know that I am not alone, that you’re here by my side. At last I know that I can cope if you will be my guide Now I know my goal I’ll get there any way I can. ’Cause in my heart I know that I was born to be a man.

Written for Ben (18)

26 www.actionforchildren.org.uk Transgender Museum I journey into your eyes Skin that disguises the Palest white caresses iris true child within, Of tormented blue darkness Disgrace, disgust, loathing Which dulls receding in a whirl Loss of trust, Like retreating waves on shore. Judge not my child For she came from God Your mouth speaks Tongue whispering syllables And I, That could be decibels I her mother In my ear Shall be the road she is standing on I hear you As I journey into her eyes, Chasing the pain Cradle the tears Bewilderment as black Bind the ties, T-shirt lies flat, I shall be the society I wonder if I stare That shall accept Would I see your heart beating? As we follow the path down Or does it just beat for air Grappling to stay in control, Softly But losing a foothold As breasts sigh, living a lie On her precious soul. Suffocating underneath bewildered. Bubo (Mother of female-to-male child) I pull you into the future You pull me beyond I am the adult I should be strong, But I’m lying between a sandwich Of right and wrong My loss, my son, Stretching my configurations Staunch and stem To a society that will bend Allow us to blend In a museum of transgenders.

Don’t look don’t glare With her sweet head bent Feeling she’s going nowhere But hell ‘You’ll burn in hell,’ they whisper As she slips a little further Into escaping shadows of hurt Chop chop chop Cut it off Hair Bare

Where do Mermaids stand? 27 Dirty Pretty Little Things I see the cool irises of their eyes And it rained when the sun shone Secret in their smile Loneliness crept in, Tugging at the school skirt Grabbed me by the throat Losing purpose as it sits on the hips My fists needing to rattle the cage Lip gloss gracing plump lips Release prejudice and pain Desperate to be nibbled and kissed Ruffle their feathers Guide them to accept that And the sanctimonious harmonies Change Like decibels pierce corridors Is perfectly alright Where doors slam shut We are not all the same Giggles trickle along floors But we do share the right While delicate fingers rearrange To hold our heads high The tie sitting on budding breasts. Follow our inner light Look in the mirror But they carve their scars You’re beautiful outside today Delicately hidden to the blind Smooth hair upon your crown of knowledge Make my child bleed internally What do you know anyway? For no crime Side step clusters But that she breathes Perfection of the woman child Dreams, not of what they understand They stare Nor do they care to try I stare Just stamp Twinkle of ear studs sitting prettily Sly On lush lobe of dainty ear Whisper The whole package rightfully snug Contrive to set their balance right. I close my eyes I hold on tight. One wish buried inside Why I, I ask Bubo (Mother of female-to-male child) Why I? My child stands by my side

28 www.actionforchildren.org.uk Useful links and FTM Network Trans Youth Family Allies contacts Advice and support for female to American support group with male people, families etc useful information especially on BM Network, London WC1N 3XX children past puberty

www.ftm.org.uk www.imatyfa.org Telephone: 0161 432 1915 General information: Mermaids (Wednesday 8pm–10.30pm) www.tsroadmap.com Mermaids Support group Gender Trust for gender variant children, Discussion forums for teens Advice and support for teenagers, and parents www.trueselves.com transgendered people, partners, BM Mermaids, London WC1N 3XX families etc www.mermaidsuk.org.uk References The Gender Trust, Community Telephone: 020 8123 4819 Fulghum, R (2004) All I Really Base, 113 Queens Road, (local rates) 3pm–7pm, Need to Know I Learned in Brighton BN1 3XG Monday–Saturday when staffed Kindergarten, Ballantine Books. Email: [email protected] www.gendertrust.org.uk Telephone: 0845 231 0505 Gender Identity Research Further reading Education Society Depend for children Melverley, The Warren, Ashtead, Support and information for Ewert, M (2009) 10,000 Dresses, Surrey KT21 2SP And it rained when the sun shone loved ones of transsexual people Seven Stories. aged 18+ Loneliness crept in, www.gires.org.uk BM Depend, London WC1N 3XX Pejril, R (2004) The story of Fluff Grabbed me by the throat Telephone: 01372 801554 the bunny, Cafepress My fists needing to rattle the cage Email: [email protected] www.depend.org.uk www.cafepress.co.uk/fluffbunny Release prejudice and pain Email: [email protected] Gender Identity Ruffle their feathers Further reading Guide them to accept that Development Service Schools Out Change NHS clinic for 18s and under For equality for all LGBT people for adolescents The Tavistock Clinic, 120 Belsize Is perfectly alright in education Philips, A A (2007) If you believe We are not all the same Lane, London NW3 5BE www.schools-out.org.uk in mermaids…don’t tell, Dog But we do share the right www.tavi-port.org/ Ear Publishing. To hold our heads high childidentityissues Transkids Peters, J A (2004) Luna, Little, Follow our inner light Telephone: 020 8938 2030 Mainly for teachers in primary Brown Young Readers. But they carve their scars Fax: 020 7431 8320 schools but useful for others too Delicately hidden to the blind Make my child bleed internally Queer Youth Network www.transkids.synthasite.com Personal stories For support and social For no crime Gendered Intelligence Evelyn, J (2007) Mom, I need networking c/o LGBT Centre, But that she breathes Education, arts, workshops etc to be a girl, Walter Trook 49/51 Sydney Street, Dreams, not of what they understand Publishing. Manchester M1 7HB www.genderedintelligence.co.uk Nor do they care to try Boenke, M (ed.) (2003) Trans www.queeryouth.org.uk Press for Change Just stamp Forming Families: Real Stories Telephone: 020 8123 6958 Campaigning on legal issues Sly About Transgendered Loved Whisper Fax: 0161 241 6733 www.pfc.org.uk Ones, 2nd edition, Oak Contrive to set their balance right. Knoll Press. I hold on tight.

Bubo (Mother of female-to-male child)

Where do Mermaids stand? 29 Action for Children Mermaids 85 Highbury Park BM Mermaids London N5 1UD London WC1N 3XX Telephone: 020 7704 7000 Telephone: 020 8123 4819 Fax: 020 7226 2537 Email: [email protected] www.actionforchildren.org.uk Action for Children is committed to helping the most vulnerable children and young people in the UK break through injustice, deprivation and inequality, so they can achieve their full potential.

Registered charity nos. 1097940/SC038092/company no. 4764232 Produced by Action for Children 01/2010. 09/10 0509