By Dan Lauria

by Dan Lauria

All performances and public readings of DINNER WITH THE BOYS are subject to royalties. It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, of all countries covered by the International Copyright Union, of all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention and the Universal Copyright Convention, and all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. All rights are strictly reserved.

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DEDICATION To Charlie, Dom, Jack & Peter The best of the best

ORIGINAL PRODUCTION NOTES This play was given its first public reading at the Coronet Theatre in Los Angeles as part of the Playwrights Kitchen Ensemble (PKE) reading series with the following Actors: (in order of appearance) Charlie ...... Charlie Durning Dom ...... Dom Delouise Big Anthony Jr...... Peter Falk The Uncle Sid ...... Jack Klugman

Cast for the 2014 Production at The New Jersey Rep, Directed by Mr. Frank Megna:

The Killers Charlie ...... Dan Lauria Dom ...... Richard Zavaglia Big Anthony Jr...... Ray Abruzzo The Uncle Sid ...... Ray Abruzzo

The New York production, with the same cast and director, was produced by Pat Flicker Addiss. It opened on May 4, 2015 at The Acorn Theater on Theater Row. The creative team included: scenic design by Jessica Parks, costumes by Patricia E. Doherty, lighting by Jill Nagel and sound design by Matt Kraus.

CAST CHARLIE: the right-hand man to Leo, who was the feared and infamous hit man of Big Anthony Senior’s mob family. DOM: for over 30 years, the jovial cook for Big Anthony Senior’s mob family. BIG ANTHONY JR: now head of the crime family started by his father. Anthony is a screaming maniac in his mid-40s. THE UNCLE SID: the mob family’s bookkeeper; slight of build, in his late 70s, but at heart a kindly killer. NOTE: Sid and Big Anthony Junior should be played by the same actor whenever possible to underscore the farcical aspects of the play. However, the roles can be cast individually to good effect. In the past, the stage manager has played the bodyguard at the door. If Big Anthony Jr. and Sid are played by two actors, the actor playing Big Anthony Jr. can be the body guard.

SETTING A modest kitchen in the wilds of New Jersey about a two-hour drive from the heart of Brooklyn.

RUN TIME 2 hours with intermission

DINNER WITH THE BOYS – PRODUCTION SCRIPT 1

ACT I DINNER ON LEO Lights up: We are in a kitchen (circa 1970s). A simple, old-fashioned kitchen: mustard yellow stove with six burners, an avocado- colored refrigerator, and a double sink with a dish rack. The sink sits directly behind a wooden kitchen table with four chairs. There is a window over the sink and a kitchen door that opens to the back yard. There are three doors in all: the back entrance (SC) leading outside, an archway (SR) leading to a dining/living room and a door (SL) to a walk-in pantry and cellar entrance (optional). The walls are adorned with copper jello molds, as well as colorful plastic fruits and vegetables. A paint-by-numbers image of Da Vinci’s last supper hangs over the doorway to the dining room. An old rotary phone with a long cord hangs on the wall next to the dinning room entrance. One of the kitchen-table chairs sits beneath the phone. As the lights come up, we find CHARLIE sitting at the table peeling potatoes. He obviously hates doing this mindless task. He cuts, stabs, and chops at the innocent, inanimate vegetable. DOMINIC enters singing opera and carrying a paper bag partially filled with groceries. Dominic puts the groceries down on the counter next to the sink and then takes off his jacket and hangs it on a peg next to the door. Dominic puts the groceries away and starts to prepare tonight’s dinner throughout the first act. [In the NYC production of Dinner With The Boys, a garden was on Stage Right, which reflected the changing of time and seasons.] CHARLIE (pissed off) Well it’s about time. DOMINIC I had a little shopping to do. CHARLIE You should have called. DOMINIC Then I had to do a few things. CHARLIE What if HE called? DOMINIC He never calls before six. CHARLIE What if he does? DOMINIC Between six and eight. 2 DINNER WITH THE BOYS – PRODUCTION SCRIPT

CHARLIE What do I say? Huh? WHAT, do I say? DOMINIC Every Sunday, for five months. CHARLIE (sarcastically) He’s gone to the market? DOMINIC Well…? CHARLIE How would that sound? DOMINIC That’s where I was. CHARLIE You should have called. DOMINIC Will you stop. DOM starts unpacking CHARLIE. I thought you got knocked off. DOM makes the sign of the cross. DOMINIC God forbid. CHARLIE Next time you’re late, call. DOMINIC All right. CHARLIE You hear me? DOMINIC I hear ya! CHARLIE Huh? DOMINIC I hear. I hear. Aaah! You started peeling the potatoes. CHARLIE Yeah! I’m peeling. DOMINIC Peel ‘em good ‘n’ clean.

DINNER WITH THE BOYS – PRODUCTION SCRIPT 3

CHARLIE I’m peelin’, I’m peelin’. DOMINIC No fries. CHARLIE What’a’ya mean, “No fries”? DOMINIC It’s a special dinner tonight. CHARLIE Always a special dinner with you. DOMINIC Tonight is very special. CHARLIE Six months of special dinners. I’m tired of this crap. DOMINIC Well, aren’t we in a good mood. CHARLIE Up yours. DOMINIC (smiles) I don’t do requests. CHARLIE Funny! OPTIONAL DIALOGUE: DOMINIC You better come in from the garden. It’s getting to chilly to be sitting out in the garden. You’ll catch your death. CHARLIE Now you worry about my death. DOMINIC What’a’ya getting all upset about? CHARLIE comes in and sits at table. CHARLIE What am I getting upset about? What am I… Well let me see. My stock portfolio has plummeted below expectations. No, no, no! Actually, actually, my spiritual advisor has informed me that I’ve missed my last chance to connect with the Great Spirit from beyond, now I’m destined to spend all eternity here in the wilds of New Jersey with you. What am I upset about? What am I alone here!? DOMINIC I was only askin’.

4 DINNER WITH THE BOYS – PRODUCTION SCRIPT

CHARLIE (quickly) Don’t ask. DOMINIC Easy, easy. This is no good for your blood pressure, Charlie. CHARLIE A lot you care for my blood pressure. DOMINIC You won’t be able to digest your dinner. You’ll get agita! CHARLIE I could never digest this whole damning business. I’m up to here with Leo. I can’t take it anymore. DOMINIC We’re almost done, we’re at the end. CHARLIE How could this have happened to men like us? DOMINIC Slice ‘em thin and we’ll have ‘em scalloped. CHARLIE Strong, independent men, like us. DOMINIC You like scalloped potatoes. CHARLIE Huh? What? DOMINIC Scalloped potatoes. CHARLIE Scalloped potatoes!? DOMINIC With the onions, just like you like. CHARLIE Paprika? DOMINIC You want paprika? CHARLIE Paprika’s good. DOMINIC You got it. Now slice ‘em thin. CHARLIE All right. I’ll slice ‘em thin.

DINNER WITH THE BOYS – PRODUCTION SCRIPT 5

Between lines, DOMINIC sings an old Italian song in broken English as he finishes putting the last bit of newly bought groceries away. CHARLIE watches. DOMINIC I got the vegetables right out of your garden Charlie. The calcium from the bones crunched up with the fertilizer must be great for the plants. Look at that tomato. Nice, huh? CHARLIE Yeah. DOMINIC Nice? CHARLIE Yeah, nice. CHARLIE goes to the sink and stares at DOMINIC. DOMINIC My Grandmother used to sing that. DOMINIC doesn’t notice at first, but when he realizes that CHARLIE is staring at him he just smiles. CHARLIE This doesn’t bother you does it? DOMINIC What? CHARLIE THIS! This whole thing. Big Anthony Junior? What we’re doing here? Leo!? DOMINIC Hey! Leo, was our best friend. CHARLIE That’s what I’m saying. DOMINIC We put our lives on the line for Leo. CHARLIE More than our lives. DOMINIC More, is right. That’s why I want this done the right way. CHARLIE And this is the right way to you? DOMINIC The best I can do. CHARLIE Men like us deserve better.

6 DINNER WITH THE BOYS – PRODUCTION SCRIPT

DOMINIC That’s a given. CHARLIE I told Big Anthony Junior that. I said it right to his face. DOMINIC You sure did. I was there. Give me the pepper, will ya? CHARLIE Here. CHARLIE hands DOMINIC the pepper mill, then goes back to the table, sits, peels & cuts. Dom stays at the counter. I was a made man. DOMINIC Top of the line. CHARLIE Over thirty years of faithful service to that family. DOMINIC We started at about the same time. Remember? CHARLIE I remember. Bet your ass I remember. Does Big Anthony Junior remember? NO! Am I right or am I right? DOMINIC You’re right. CHARLIE Huh? DOMINIC When you’re right, you’re right. CHARLIE You know I… I… aaah, never mind. DOMINIC What? CHARLIE I shouldn’t say this. DOMINIC Say what ya gotta say. CHARLIE Don’t take it wrong. DOMINIC You’re talkin’ to me for God sakes.

DINNER WITH THE BOYS – PRODUCTION SCRIPT 7

CHARLIE I could’a been sitting where Big Anthony Junior’s sittin’ right now. DOMINIC If Big Anthony The Senior didn’t have a Junior, you would have been sitting in his chair. You or Leo. Not even The Uncle Sid— CHARLIE Sid!? Those old corp guinea’s would never let The Uncle Sid take over. Never! DOMINIC Bunch a bigoted… bums. CHARLIE Still you gotta watch out for The Uncle Sid, bad rug and all. Big Anthony Junior may be the muscle and The Uncle Sid the brains but they’re both sick in the head. They have the blood in the mouth as Leo would say. The BLOOD!!! DOMINIC Charlie, can I ask you something? CHARLIE Spit out what ya gotta ask. DOMINIC I have no right to ask this. CHARLIE Spit. DOMINIC Totally unprofessional on my part. CHARLIE Hey, after what we’ve been through?! DOMINIC There is ONE hit you never told us about and I… CHARLIE The Uncle Sid!? DOMINIC You never said what… CHARLIE Forget it. No way. No how. CHARLIE puts the sliced potatoes on the counter for DOMINIC, then washes his hands at the sink. DOMINIC I know, if you coulda’ said something, you would have told us twenty five years ago but… CHARLIE Some things you just don’t talk about.

8 DINNER WITH THE BOYS – PRODUCTION SCRIPT

DOMINIC I loved the way you’d tell us about the hits over one of my dinners. CHARLIE Don’t put me on the spot here, Dom. DOMINIC You never told us about what happened after those two pimps from the house on Gates Avenue cut Sid’s throat and left him for dead. CHARLIE They cut his throat from ear to ear and the putz still didn’t die. The Uncle Sid asked me and Leo to bring the two pimps to him alive. We did that… THAT Leo and I did. That’s all I can say. Except The Uncle Sid is a sick, sick, sick man. DOMINIC You brought them to Nunzio’s Pizzeria over on Atlantic Avenue. CHARLIE (jumps up) HOLD IT!! Hold it right there. You did not, NOT, hear that from me. No way you EVER heard that from me. DOMINIC Nunzio told me. But he never said WHAT you did to those guys. CHARLIE That’s all Nunzio could say, because he wasn’t there. Me, Leo, The Uncle Sid and the two that were never heard from again was the only ones there. DOMINIC So what did you do? CHARLIE Dom, I can’t. If The Uncle Sid ever— DOMINIC I give you my word I’ll never— CHARLIE No. Not even for you. The Uncle Sid would— DOMINIC I thought, now that Leo is— CHARLIE No. DOMINIC (sulks) Okay. FINE! If that’s the way you want to be about it. DOMINIC sits at the table and sulks. CHARLIE Any of the other hits, I’d be glad to tell you about. Any one of them.

DINNER WITH THE BOYS – PRODUCTION SCRIPT 9

DOMINIC I know all about the other hits. CHARLIE I’d tell you if I could, Dom. DOMINIC (broken-hearted) It’s okay. Forget it. CHARLIE Aaaah! Don’t be like that. DOMINIC I just thought after all we been through with Leo. CHARLIE Dom please, I— DOMINIC It’s okay. CHARLIE Dom! DOMINIC No. It’s alright. CHARLIE Will ya stop. DOMINIC (almost in tears) Fine. There is a pause. CHARLIE (relenting) Leo and I brought the two pimps to Nunzio’s, wrapped up in duct tape. Wrapped up and gagged. The Uncle Sid just got out of the hospital, his neck was still covered up in bandages. He couldn’t speak a word. Did you know, at that time, they didn’t think he’d ever speak again? There was an eerie, kinda, SILENCE. The two about to be dead, they couldn’t say anything. Me and Leo didn’t know what to expect and The Uncle Sid, quiet as a mouse with this sly little grin on his face. NOW, one of the pimps is quiet cause he knows. The other one is crying, like. He’s praying for something that ain’t never gonna come. The Uncle Sid fires up the pizza oven and he motions for us to throw in the quiet one minus the gag. We did. Dom, I never heard anyone scream like that in my life. DOMINIC GOD!! CHARLIE The Uncle Sid just sat there watching this guy fry like a piece of bacon. Funny thing is, Sid is watching the CRIER as much as he’s watching the FRYER. And the CRIER, after about an hour of watching his buddy burn, falls to the floor in a dead faint. Finally The Uncle Sid motions to Leo to un-gag the crier. Leo does so and guess what?

10 DINNER WITH THE BOYS – PRODUCTION SCRIPT

DOMINIC What? CHARLIE The crier is dead. He didn’t faint. He swallowed his own tongue. DOMINIC Woof! Puts kitchen towel in mouth. CHARLIE The Uncle Sid motions to throw him in anyway. We did. We waited for a couple of hours while The Uncle Sid just sat there and watched them burn till there was nothing left but ashes. Just watching. Quiet! You don’t mess with The Uncle Sid. A pause as DOMINIC puts his hand on CHARLIE’s shoulder. DOMINIC Thank you for sharing. CHARLIE Now you know. DOMINIC Charlie, I can’t tell you what it means to me. CHARLIE Don’t ever say a word. DOMINIC It’ll always be something that you and I can share together. CHARLIE The only hit The Uncle Sid was actually at. DOMINIC It’ll be our little secret. (pause) Now I know why Nunzio’s crust has that unique taste. CHARLIE You think? DOMINIC The best crust in Brooklyn! You see Charlie, there is always a bright side to everything that you and Leo ever did. CHARLIE The things Leo and I did for that family, I can’t begin to tell you. DOMINIC You and Leo were the best. CHARLIE If it wasn’t for us that family would still be selling olive oil on Mott Street.

DINNER WITH THE BOYS – PRODUCTION SCRIPT 11

DOMINIC They owe you big, Charlie. CHARLIE Yeah, and look what I get for thanks. DOMINIC They have no sense of appreciation. CHARLIE None. They don’t know the meaning of the word. Ever since Big Anthony The Senior died the whole thing has gone to hell. DOMINIC In a hand basket. CHARLIE There’s no respect anymore, NO honor. DOMINIC No class. CHARLIE Thirty years, Dom. What do I get, huh? Respect? Gratitude? A little appreciation!? DOMINIC I know, Charlie. CHARLIE What DO I get? DOMINIC Don’t do this to yourself. CHARLIE TELL ME!! DOMINIC Charlie, we screwed up. CHARLIE Since when is loyalty a screw up? DOMINIC Big Anthony Junior doesn’t see it that way. CHARLIE What other way is there to see it? DOMINIC You’re preaching to the ordained. CHARLIE (goes to table) Leo was our best friend. DOMINIC Tell me something I don’t know.

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CHARLIE Leo was a pro, he would of never talked. DOMINIC I know that. CHARLIE Everybody knew that. DOMINIC Everybody except— CHARLIE That bastard. DOMINIC Big Anthony Junior. CHARLIE To hell with ‘im. You hear me? DOMINIC Yeah. CHARLIE Huh? DOMINIC I hear you, I hear you. CHARLIE Look, forget all that. Forget the thirty years. Forget the loyalty. DOMINIC That’s a lot to forget, Charlie. CHARLIE Forget it, I tell ya. DOMINIC It’s forgotten. CHARLIE If Big Anthony Junior had a heart he never would of given us the hit on Leo. Am I right or am I right? DOMINIC You’re right. CHARLIE Huh? DOMINIC When you’re right, you are right. CHARLIE I hate that bastard.

DINNER WITH THE BOYS – PRODUCTION SCRIPT 13

DOMINIC Big Anthony Junior’s heart is whatta ya call… a… a moron ox. CHARLIE What? DOMINIC He ain’t got a heart. To him a contract is a contract. Thank God we got a second chance. DOMINIC goes back to his work area at the sink and studies a zucchini. As CHARLIE sits, his anger mounts. CHARLIE A second chance!? Is that what this is? A man like me. To be punished like this… like a schoolboy, a child, an infant. DOMINIC This is a wonderful zucchini. CHARLIE How am I ever going to face my friends? DOMINIC Not like store bought. CHARLIE They all knew Leo. DOMINIC No wax on it or nothin’. CHARLIE They look at me and they’ll be seeing him. Like he’s a part of me or something. DOMINIC (smelling) It smells sweet almost. CHARLIE (about to blow) It’s wrong I tell you! DOMINIC takes zucchini over to CHARLIE. DOMINIC Here, smell this zucchini. CHARLIE WRONG!!! DOMINIC Smell. DOM pushes the zucchini in CHARLIE’s face. CHARLIE (exploding) What the hell are you sticking in my face!?

14 DINNER WITH THE BOYS – PRODUCTION SCRIPT

DOMINIC This is the freshest zucchini. CHARLIE Are you out of your mind? DOMINIC Well, you don’t have to get nasty. CHARLIE I’m talking about our lives here. DOMINIC Would you relax for Christ… CHARLIE Our fall from grace. DOMINIC You’ll give yourself a heart attack. CHARLIE I can’t take it anymore. DOMINIC Stop this right now! CHARLIE I can’t take in Leo anymore. DOMINIC CHARLIE!!! CHARLIE Hell with BIG Anthony Junior. The hell with him. YOU HEAR ME! TO HELL…! DOMINIC smacks the ranting CHARLIE over the head with the zucchini. Charlie raises the potato peeler as if to stab Dominic in the chest. Dominic just stands there calmly holding the zucchini and looks at Charlie, knowing full well that his best friend could never hurt him. DOMINIC Whatta you gonna do, peel me to death? Sure enough, CHARLIE slowly lowers the peeler and sits. CHARLIE I’m losing it, Dom. Losing it! DOMINIC Now, I want you to take a deep breath. Come on. Breathe. CHARLIE does. IN, OUT, IN, OUT! Now smell this zucchini. Go on, smell. CHARLIE smells.

DINNER WITH THE BOYS – PRODUCTION SCRIPT 15

CHARLIE Nice. DOMINIC Isn’t it? CHARLIE (smells) Sweet, kinda. DOMINIC Isn’t it though? CHARLIE You have a very hard, zucchini there, Dominic. DOMINIC The simple things, Charlie, I’m tellin’ ya. You gotta learn to stop and smell the zucchini. CHARLIE I’m sorry, Dom. DOM picks up the broken zucchini. DOMINIC I’m sure gonna miss Leo’s garden. An accomplishment; you must be very proud. CHARLIE I could no more hurt you than I could Leo. DOMINIC I know that. CHARLIE That’s the way it’s always been. DOMINIC The three musketeers. One for all and all for one. CHARLIE I gotta talk this out with you. DOMINIC I’m all ears. CHARLIE We’re near the end of Leo. DOMINIC Closer than you think. CHARLIE You gotta try to understand what I’m saying here. DOMINIC (sits) I’ll try.

16 DINNER WITH THE BOYS – PRODUCTION SCRIPT

CHARLIE Can you comprehend, can you fathom, what guys like Leo and I had? DOMINIC Where was I, Mars?! I was there. CHARLIE Yeah, yeah. You were there but, Leo and I were in the know. We had all the answers. Top of the food chain. DOMINIC What do you want me to say? CHARLIE There’s nothing TO say. DOMINIC I say nothing then. CHARLIE We had it all within our grasp. I walked this earth as few men have ever walked this earth. DOMINIC Proud! CHARLIE Proud, nothin’! Leo and I walked with strength, with real muscle. They feared us. DOMINIC Two truly respected men. CHARLIE Respect? I don’t know from respect. But I know that we knew. And everyone knew, that WE knew. DOMINIC I never knew. CHARLIE Few ever do. DOMINIC I never did. (pause) You want eggplant? CHARLIE Forget the eggplant. DOMINIC Maybe some broccoli rob. CHARLIE Dominic, you… you never knew. Did you? CHARLIE stares at the happy-go-lucky DOMINIC. DOMINIC What?

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