COLOUR EXTRAVAGANZA SUMMER SOUNDS GOT SOME SPARE TIME?

Sixty-page Guide to the Jumbo $f Bumper Issue Festivals Crossword Interview with the Rector Campus Renaissance Game y the Tunnels "of IC 1 'I ^ Trip to Le Mans

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& the Embrace War Massive Film Preview Thailand Travel Diaries IN GO EOUS FULL C 4 2 GAME 24 June 1998 24 June 1998 GAME 59

Automatic seating in Great Hall opens 1 9 18 unexpectedly during The Rector nicks your exam, killing fff parking space. Miss a go.

Felix finds out that you bunged the builders to you're fc Rich old fo work Faster. "start small antiques shop. £2 million. Back one. ii : 1 1 John Foster electro- cutes himself while cutting IC Radio's JCR feed. Go »zzle all the Forward one. nove to the is. The End.

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Place one Infamou chunk of asbestos raer shopS

Sabbatical Elections Finally Over (Yawn)

DAVID ROBERTS Whilst the election result itself represents good news for the Union, the pitifully low With just six days to go before the end of term, turnout is symptomatic of a far wider problem. the Union has at last completed next year's sab- Senior Union figures continue to cite general batical line-up, with Chris Ince elected as contentment with the way the Union is run and Deputy President (Finance Services) by one of exam pressures as the root cause, but serious the lowest turnouts in living memory. questions still remain as to why so few 1C stu The election, which took place last dents really seem to care about the organisation Wednesday and Thursday, was called when the which is supposed to represent them. If messrs previous DP (F&5)-elect, Dave Wharton, Hellard, Ince and Cherrington wish to claim a resigned. Mr Wharton was elected last February, true democratic mandate to run the Union, then alongside Dave Hellard, Adam Cherrington and their biggest challenge will perhaps be to stop Ed Sexton, but stood down when it became this downward spiral from continuing any clear that he would not pass his examinations. up a 336 to 57 victory. further. Rather than leave the Union in limbo whilst he The result was greeted with relief in Union awaited official confirmation of his results, he circles. Senior Union figures have been under decided to open-up the field for new candi standably concerned that a New Election result dates, to ensure that someone filled this vital would leave the Union in crisis, forced to survive role. without one of its most vital officers until elec = Chris Ince When papers for the post came down on 9 tions could be held in October. Indeed, ICU June, Mr Ince was the only candidate to throw President Andy Heeps had described the = New Election his hat into the ring, and with the result seem prospect as "more serious than having to do ingly a foregone conclusion, very little enthusi without a President". However, the election of asm was shown by the electorate. Hustings at Chris Ince has been warmly received, with Mr both Charing Cross and South Kensington were Ince (a long-term Union stalwart, now in his cancelled, and the traditional IC Radio and Felix sixth year at Imperial) believed to represent a interviews did not take place. Consequently, worthy successor to the current incumbent, Rob most students were unaware that the election Clark. was taking place, resulting in a turnout of just Mr Ince was elected on a platform of finan 395 - less than five percent of the registered cial prudence and review, highlighting student electorate. training as one of his principle policies. He On a more positive note, those who did promised to organise financial training for every turnout returned Mr Ince by one of the most club or society treasurer, and thus ensure prop comfortable margins ever recorded. Mr Ince er controls at all levels of Union funding. He has beat New Election (the only other "candidate") also made manifesto commitments to pursue a at every polling station apart from Silwood Park, thorough review of the levels of subsidy offered registering 85% of the votes cast and notching to Union clubs and societies.

STOIC Make Offal

JON TROUT One singers making it an instant favourite. Another feature is the "Crappy Logo of the Friday night Channel Four viewers might have Week", featuring last week ICU's Student had a bit of a fright. For the discerning post-pub Television of Imperial College. The pictures punter Victor Lewis-Smith's TV Offal has proven showed the indeed substandard logo; a revolv to be compulsive viewing for the last few weeks; ing cardboard dodecahedron. They went on to genuine footage from assassinations, honest show some eternally recognisable Imperial obituaries of unlikeable television presenters unfortunates, a chap with a poodle haircut and and slick jingles from the original BBC Radio a celebrity interview. It came as quite a shock to Mike Gibbs, STOIC chair, who only became aware of it after the broadcast. Anonymous Channel 4 researchers had asked to look through the archives a month ago, promis ing to pay for any footage they used, in the dents will ensure the immediate future of the region of over a hundred pounds a second. After struggling society is sweetly ironic. Hopefully we a largely unproductive couple of years, the can use the cash to get a few more people inter money could prove a godsend in providing ested in getting STOIC to make television pro funds for a non-linear editing suite, which would grammes." Mike Gibbs is about 22. make production easy even for beginners. One Publication Board member said: "That the fright ful design and hopeless taste of late sixties stu NEWS 24 June 1998 Summer Ball Success

ALAN CEER AND JULIA HARRIES crowds partied until they were finally forced out in the early hours The first ever Imperial College by weary Ally Pally staff. It looks like Summer Ball was held on Friday 19 the Imperial Ball is here to stay, of June at Alexandra Palace, and make sure you get your tickets proved to be an unprecedented early next year. success. The event, which sold out several weeks ago, was attended by over a thousand people. Apart from only seven coaches turning up to take people to the Ball and the ridiculously small numbers of bar staff, the Ball was enjoyed by all. Left: Ling Lee, one of the students Organisers had not planned on who organised the ball;. Below: apathetic IC students wanting to The dodgems were a big attrac- dance, or even wanting to come, tion. Right Johnny Ball in the mid- but in the event the dance floor dle of his popular after-dinner became too crowded. Johnny Ball, speech. Above: The small dance after consuming several bottles of floor was crammed to capacity. wine, gave an immensly popular Photos: Mark Baker. speech, and although only some revellers could hear him, he received a standing ovation. Exuberant and very drunk stu dents including Andy Heeps, 32, were forced to find other avenues of amusement. Luckily with dodgems, a casino and the karaoke machine, no one would have noticed Mr. Heeps' hairy buttocks. Amazing lighting effects and the uncharacteristically friendly atmos phere made a complete change from Union carnivals. The groovy

Print Unit's Last Impression

JEREMY THOMSON encountered in training students to year. Felix itself looks likely to be strong argument that Felix should print, and lack of profits have ruled produced by East End Offset in receive the majority of the pro After nearly twenty years, 1CU Print out a full-time professional printer. Bow, who have also printed this ceeds from the closure - though Unit is set to close. The printshop, Concern about the newly revealed issue. it's all union money in the end", he which is thought to be the only in- financial performance of the print Concern was raised by both the said. The Print Unit Manager, Andy house union printing facility in the unit and the need for major invest Felix Editor and the editor elect, Ed Thompson, also seemed resigned country received its death-knell ment brought matters to a head. Sexton, over the timing of Felix pro to the fate of the printshop; from a unanimous vote from an Further bad news came from the duction. The current tradition of a "Obviously, my initial reaction was emergency ICU council last Friday. print unit manager, who revealed Friday release would prevent up-to one of disappointment, that the The print unit was founded by that he was considering retirement date news coverage, and would union's development of dBs failed Felix in order to provide cheap, fast at the end of this year. delay sports reporting by at least a to take into account the require newspaper printing. It continued Several options were consid week. "We will have to seriously ments of its Print Unit. However, for many years, growing larger and ered by council, including expand consider whether it is worth contin the print industry is fast-changing undertaking jobs for clubs and ing the unit, switching to new print uing as a weekly publication", said and without major investment in other organisations. It was run ing technology or handing control Ed Sexton. "The Print Unit was cre not only equipment, but also staff, under the management of subse of the print shop back to Felix, the ated by Felix, for Felix", explained we could never hope to compete. quent Felix editors, until a decision option favoured by the current Felix current editor Jeremy Thomson, Futhermore, if the Print Unit were was made in 1995 to expand it into editor. In the end, however, it was "We are facing problems, but not to succeed as a trading outlet by a full trading outlet. decided to give all jobs to external insurmountable ones. I think it is a taking on major accounts, this Over the last two years, howev printing companies and pull the great shame that, because the would be to the detriment of the er, the unit has run into problems. plug. union has been able to develop the union's clubs and societies, which Firstly, the space occupied by the The equipment owned by the Print Shop into a trading outlet, to my mind would be a confict of print unit is required for the exten print unit is being sold, and the pro they have simply closed it." interest." sion of dBs taking place this sum ceeds are currently set to fund the However, the discussions mer, and no provision for new 'Animal House' - the new ICU remained diplomatic, with Andy space has been confirmed by col media centre to be built in the west Heeps recognising the origin of the lege. Problems have also been wing basement of Beit Quad next print shop; "I think that there is a 24 June 1998 NEWS

News in Brief... IC Win UL Cricket

the Board of Trade, has denied TO PAY OR NOT that the minimum wage is a Cup - Or Do They? watered-down version of the gov JEREMY THOMSON will be able to play for IC teams TO PAY? ; ernment's manifesto pledge: In where there is no alternative. As the House of Commons she IC's cricket first team returned vic- the situation is not clear, a ULU The start of next term sees the claimed that it would help two torious from Motspur Park last committee will meet to examine introduction of tuition fees, with million workers escape from Tuesday, after beating Royal the rules of the league. an estimated one third of stu "poverty pay". Holloway by four wickets to take Charlie Joynt, DP(C&5), said dents paying £ 1,000 per year for The Conservative Opposition the University of London League that the situation is "ridiculous". their education. Current surveys has criticised the concept of a Cup. "He [lmran Khan] has been playing suggest that most would-be stu minimum wage: Speaking in the However, they are now facing for three or four years, and they've dents are in the dark concerning Commons, John Redwood, disqualification never com how the fees will affect them, and Shadow President of the Board of after a com plained before." how much they will have to pay. Trade, claimed that "a minimum plaint from the Andy Heeps, Despite government assurances wage policy will not work". Royal ICU President, that the fees will be means-test Before the announcement was Holloway team went further; ed, their own figures indicate that made many small businesses that they had "It's typical of student numbers could drop in were worried that a minimum fielded ringers bloody ULU", he the next few years as parents are wage would damage their in the final. said, "as far as reluctant to pay the fees. The prospects, but the £3.60 level is The controver I'm concerned, NUS has estimated that universi much lower than many expected. sy is centred we're keeping ties could be left with £31 million Workers' unions had pressed for on 1C batsman the cup." per year of unpaid fees, which over one pound more an hour, Imran Khan, In a recent begs the question what will uni and many feel betrayed by New who opened development, it versities do with students who Labour. Business groups, howev play but was bowled out for just has now been revealed that Mr refuse to pay? er, have accepted the pay level as one run. Mr Khan is a medical stu Khan's performance in a previous Oxford University made clear reasonable. dent and, according to Royal match may have been more influ its position on this subject last Holloway, is not eligible to play in ential. Apparently, a score of forty week. In plans that are bound to the Imperial College team, despite while playing for the IC second upset students, the University has MOD LIKES A BIT the fact St Mary's did not field a team could have prevented an all- declared that it will expel anyone team this year. Holloway final. who fails to pay before the end of A defence establishment in The University of London Union For a report of the match, see the first term. Such students will Worcestershire has become the does not yet recognise ICSM as page 58 be denied all access to the latest company to discover its part of Imperial College, although University until they have paid off employees are using computers from next year medical students their debt. Other universities can at work to download pornography be expected to take a similar from the internet. More than stance, although Imperial's posi 170,000 images were allegedly tion on the matter was unknown found during routine security £2.5m Motspur Sale at the time Felix went to press. checks on computer systems at the Defence Evaluation and Research Agency. The agency is DAVID ROBERTS nance charges, a rental charge of M I N MUM responsible for developing battle just £5000 a year should see no field technology for the Ministry The final meeting of the year for change in student activity at the WAGE of Defence: One computer, sup University of London Union Council site. posed to be used to communi saw the sale of Motspur Park, the The meeting questioned the Britain is to have a minimum cate with defence experts around ULU sportsground and one of the proposal at length, expressing con wage, starting in April 1999. Last the world, was found to have Union's biggest assets. cern at the long tern implications of week the government accepted spent 70% of its last three weeks' The sale has been in negotia the sale. However, a guarantee of a recommendations from the Low online time downloading images. tions all year, ever since the first percentage of any profits generat Pay Commission to set the mini The issue is almost certainly offers for the ground were received ed by a further sale of the ground mum wage at £3.60 per hour. going to be raised in parliament by the Union. Both Fulham FC and within the next twenty years The rate for 18 to 21 year olds will this week, with internet pornogra Chelsea FC, who wish to use the appeased those present. The be lower, however, starting at phy already being a topical politi ground as a training facility, sub President of ULU, Siva £3.00 and rising to £3.20 in June cal talking point. With the inter mitted bids well above the valua Ganeshanedan, also promised that 2000. Under 18s will not be cov net now a regular feature of most tion made by the University. all proceeds from the sale will be ered by the minimum wage. offices, and the number of porno However, the offer from Fulham set aside to fund a new sports facil The announcement of a mini graphic or otherwise dubious (owned by Harrods boss ity, which will probably be a new mum wage brings Britain in line websites rising, it is felt that legal Mohammed al Fayed) has been sports hall in the Bloomsbury area. with other European countries, safeguards must be put in place. viewed as more favourable by the A vote on the proposal gave the most of whom have higher mini The problem of how to regulate Union's negotiators - importantly, go-ahead to Mr Ganeshanedan to mum rates of pay. There are also an international network com Fulham pledge to ensure no reduc finalise details of the sale. no plans to link Britain's minimum prised of millions of computers tion in student usage of the site. Contracts should be completed wage to inflation, so its actual has yet to be satisfactorily Consequently, whilst the Union and signed by the end of the sum value is likely to decline over time. answered. stands to profit to the tune of £2- mer, so that the deal can be com Margaret Beckett, President of 2.5 million from the sale, and save pleted in time for the new academ up to £95,000 on annual mainte ic year. NOT THE NEWS 24 June 1998

Even Numbers Outlawed Briefly...

ROSS NEWELL by a rise in cost by the suppliers - matically convert themselves from student prices have gone up by imperial units to metric... those IC High Command has proposed a £3.45 per kilogram over the past 3 metric units always puzzled us". Mr NEW MASCOT plethora of radical cost-cutting months and prices are still rising. C Broker, speaking on behalf of the exercises including the outlawing of The ICHC is considering only pur Computing Department, comment ANNOUNCED even numbers. chasing 85% of the normal intake in ed "We only use zeros and ones The new ruling is causing a stir the coming year. anyway". A new College initiative has all over the college. The new sys It is estimated that 15% of all However, despite the move named serial killer Bob Goodwin tem will replace the even digits, Imperial's academic spending (3% being officially approved by the (34) as the new unified college including even digits in decimal of total spending) is on the use of departments, there has been some mascot. He will replace all the numbers, with the Greek letter even numbers. The move has had criticism by the Union. Miss D CCU mascots to reduce costs. lambda (X). The ruling does not yet positive reactions from all over col Foster standing in for Mr C Broker Bob will attend college events cover 0, but this is likely to be lege. The Maths Department, rep said "This is a big blow both for the such as inter-university football included in the next wave during resented by Mr C Broker of Union and for students generally. games and University Challenge the summer. Thus the old digits 2, Sherfield, said "We are really Student grants have now matches. He will offer moral 4, 6, 8 will all be replaced by X, X, pleased with the move, as it will decreased by XXX. This will hit the support, encouragement and X, X. reduce our workload by X0%". students hard. Where..." Mr C will execute any member of the The decision comes after There was also a positive reception Broker returned to relieve Miss D enemy/opposition who causes Imperial again made a loss in the from the Mechanical Engineering Foster and carried on "The Union is an obstacle to IC's team's dom 2nd quarter. IC's share price fell by department, represented by Mr C delighted by the decision and will ination of the game/match/ almost 20% as confidence in the Broker from Sherfield, who said support ICHC all the way." world. college fell. This was compounded "This is great as all our plans auto These rules are due to come into effect at the start of next NEWS FEATURE term, but there is still time to object to the proposals. Future cuts oh the cards include a Sheep Maintenance Failing reduction in the number of allowable dimensions on cam pus, revoking Newton's 2nd Britain has a long and proud history can we afford to ignore an industry to compete with Barcelona, whose and 3rd laws, and eventual in sheep maintenance. As recently with a turnover of £350 brillion per Shep Main Dept has a missile relocation to Inverness of all as 1968, the world-leading compa- annum? launch centre and two Cray super non-critical (academic) depart nies were all based in the UK. Yet Prejudice is not confined to computers, when our own has only ments. foreign competition has caused the government and commercial inter a box of soggy fireworks and a practice to all but die out. Ross ests; indeed, here at Imperial, a Commodore 64 with a broken 't' Newell investigates... key? FOUL STENCH The under investment in Britain Britain lags behind the world in is not confined to Imperial, Academic research was severely many ways, but none more so than Cambridge Shep Main has an affected on Friday, as a noxious the vital area of Sheep equally small budget and is forced aroma drifted over the entirety Maintenance. Britain, one of the to use a bus shelter to lecture 1st of the South Kensington, cam pioneers of this important area, has year students. This problem is pus. Initially, it was believed neglected it for too long. compounded by Simon Baker, who that the odour emanated from Sheep Maintenance in Britain uses the shelter to teach 40 five the Chemistry department, has a long history. The year olds to read using yesterday's where certain members are Fundamental Principle of Sheep copy of the Sun. Oxford Shep engaged in research into non- Maintenance was developed at Main, among others, has been aromatic hetereocycles, but this Cambridge University by Sir Milford Thanks to cuts and underfunding, taken over by the mafia to be used proved to be false when the real Haven in 1902. Then in the 1970s, even prize young specimens like as a money laundering business. source of the smell was found when the world had all but forgot these are being left to suffer rust- This is one of the problems the to be the RCSU office. When ten Shep Main, Margaret Terrace of ing, exhaust problems and government should by tackling questioned about the odour, Imperial College laid down the infrequent oil changes head on. Will we stand aside and officers denied that it was their foundations for modern Shep Main let our ailing Shep Main industry fault, claiming that the recent when she developed the now leg place renowned for scientific indif collapse or will we stand up and spell of hot weather had caused endary Terrace equation. ference (you know what I mean), fight back? The British Shep Main the sewer system to overload. Shortly after this, however, there is Shep Main prejudice. One industry needs your help. When pressed, however, they funding for Shep Main in Britain all need only look at Imperial's You must stand up and say that did admit to not having changed but disappeared. Why is it that accounts to see that the Shep Main you appreciate their work. You their clothes for the past two when Shep Main started to break department is seriously underfund must buy British, even though and a half years. Disgusted, even, Britain ignored it? Why did ed. The budget for IC Shep Main Japan makes higher quality prod Security closed the office, and Britain look the other way when this year is only £4.32 and a ucts at lower prices, you must sup began fumigation procedures. Shep Main could be seen to be a McDonald's voucher, whereas port the British economy. There is The offending parties were sent serious commercial venture? It Princeton USA Shep Main has a still time to put Britain at the top of to St Mary's Hospital to have comes down to pride; the British budget of £25.3 quillion and its the pack again, but time is running their clothes surgically removed people think they are too good for own nuclear power station. We are out fast and the competition is and incinerated. Helen-Louise lowly Shep Main. Government and seeing the best British Shep Main strong. Windsor is 35. Businesses see Shep Main as an students head-hunted by foreign industry for inferior countries, but universities. How are we supposed 24 June 1998 LETTERS % Union AGM Ends in i Farce Letters to Felix... Remember; I have the negatives, big organised crime the bosses will GENUINE LETTER let's talk business. probably continue to live unchal Ever yours, lenged in numbers 10 and 11. Dear Felix, Jonathan Trout, Features Editor Yours, Antoine Jeanson Hmmm. 1 had always thought 1997-8 Simon Baker as mearly a chemistry student with a big mouth. But now DIVINE it turns out that he's a world-class MINIMUM WAGE economist as well. Wow, what a ENGINEERING man! RIP-OFF if _ Yours, A. R. Seface Sir Dear Felix, The last few weeks have seen Last week's announcement by the Genetic Engineering debate HEEPS 'FUCKED' Margaret Beckett that the mini increase in pace, thanks largely to mum wage will be £3.60 for most some unhelpful comments by HRH Sir, workers but only £3.00 for those Prince Charles. Denouncing the As a regular contributor, 1 have between 18 and 21 is another kick science of genetics as playing God in my three years at Imperial so far in the balls for us youths'. is hardly accurate and, in my mind, Issue 1119 restrained from correspondence Due to be 'phased in' between an insult to monotheistic religions. with the letters page. This being next April and June 2000, this pro Does the Prince think medical the last issue of the year and, if my posal will affect some vulnerable intervention at car accidents is also 24 June 1998 exams were as bad as they may groups e.g. students, those trying a little too divine? Or, like much of well have been, potentially my last, to hold down a starting job or even the population, is he simply dis www .su.ic.ac.uk/Felix 1 pray your indulgence in allowing raise a young family (those on the missing something as evil because me few words, if I may, on the New Deal will get something differ he fails to understand it? Genetic inaugural ICU Summer Ball. 1 wish ent again). So which of these is Engineering, like all new technolo Road. London. SW7 2BB. to thank the organising team for an only worth £3.00 an hour? Even the gies, has the potential to be mis used. It also holds the possibility Internal tel: 58072, fax: 48072. outstanding achievement; their Union's basic rate is £3.65 and of reducing disease and hunger External tel & fax: 0171 594 8072 work was exemplary and deserves that's not taxed. reward. The Alexandra Palace was Young people have always been throughout the world, something I hope the Prince would applaud, 48086. externa): 01 71 504 8080. a wonderful venue, the food out exploited (re: the child labour yours as a biologist, Email: [email protected] standing and the entertainment uproars) but to institutionalise this superb. Minor gripes, though, as all situation is criminal. It sounds like Ed Sexton, Felix Editor Elect Felix is produced for and on behalf good letters must have. The bus Mrs Beckett will shortly be getting company, who promised to send of Imperial College Union her come-uppance but like most sixteen buses, provided only eight. Publication Board. This made transport more than a little trying. My main reason for Felix is a registered newspaper writing though, was the appaling ISSN 1040 - 071! behaviour of our outgoing President, Mr Andrew Heeps. After Copyright © Felix lc>98. Photo a competent and largely successful graphic copyrights remain with year in office, and a pleasing post photographei s. after-dinner speech thanking the air salo organisers, Mr Heeps' conduct H N Printed at East End Offset. grew steadily worse. Leching over 15a Harrington Road the outgoing ICSM President (Miss South Kensington London SW7 3ES Bromley-by-Bow London F.3 3LT. Katie Armstrong) for the majority of Phone 0171 538 2521 (1 Minute walk from South Kensington Tube) the night, his amorous attentions Fax 0171 538 0018 turned to his male company, and CUT &c BLOW DRY he was seen with his tongue down Credits: the throat of, amongst others, both BY OUR TOP STYLISTS Editor: Jeremy Thomson Deputy Presidents, a ULU News Editor: Ed Sexton. Sabbatical, the Publication Board £15 LADIES Photographic Editor: chair, the Council Chair and unfor £13 MEN tunately, this unfortunate corre spondent. He sang coarse songs Normal Price £30 Jason Ramanathan and Atok Jha and danced solo for the entire Film Editor: David Roberts return coach journey, and was u3 Arts Editor: Julia Harries described by one friend as being "utterly, utterly, utterly fucked. The Literary Editor: William Lorenz man could not have been any more Sports Editor: Jake Thorne drunk." Is this the proper behaviour Games Editor: Mark Baker of an ambassador for our Union? Delivery last issue: Antoine Jean- Or the sad demise which many son & David Roberts. thought would accompany the gradual move back to the rigours of Telephone 0171 823 8968 j medical studies? 1 think that we should be told. Good luck Andy: ACCESS VISA MASTERCARD CASH CHiQUtS 8 NOTICES AND EDITORIAL 24 June 1998

Major Loss of Computing Services/Network Shut Down during Weekend 1 Oth - 13th July Editorial

Ladies and gentlemen, I have tion; I imagined being able to The Centre for Computing Services (CCS) regrets to inform you that all failed. A year ago, Imperial College swagger about Suite Five greeting computing/network services normally provided via the main CCS was a place where students' inter pro-rectors by their first name and Computer Room/Network Control Centre, based in the Mechanical ests were not represented on the slapping the college secretary on Engineering Building on the South Kensington campus, will be unavail- key planning and development the back and asking him about his able during the weekend beginning 17.00 on Friday July 10th.. It is committees; it was a place where planned to have services restored by 09.00 on Monday July 13th. family; I thought that if there was Given the very complex and integrated nature of the College comput- students could flounder, fail and anybody who would know what ing and network facilities it is highly likely that if you do come into even disappear without any reac was happening before it happened, College that weekend you will only be able to use your computer sys- tion or apparent concern from their it would be me. tem to run its own local applications. department; and it was a disparate I can come up with plenty of There will be NO ACCESS to any CCS or external computing/network and uninterested community perfectly good reasons why this services from on campus nor to any College computing/network services where the union existed in name didn't happen, not least that I from off campus. Examples of services affected are: but not in spirit. already had seventy hours a week Now, the situation is exactly of less important things to deal Access to the wide area network via Super-Janet the same. This is my fault. Not with, and almost go sued at the Central servers e.g. FTP server, Tex font server, Exchange/Outlook Mail because I am responsible, but beginning of the year. The real rea Departmental clusters that authorise against the IC domain because it was my aim to change son has nothing to do with this. E-mail servers e.g. Charing X, Brompton, Administration, Library The real reason why never found Networked services e.g. dial-up services, DNS, the Mail relays these things, and instead I spent 1 Web servers e.g. College, Library, Student union, School of Medicine my time gluing things together, out what was going on, why lan Administration services e.g. MISE, Administration Web swearing at salesmen, completing Caldwell doesn't even recognise Library services e.g. Libertas, ERL server, CD Rom server, public PCs petty cash claims and emptying the me and why I never met the rector dustbin. In short, I was far to busy is that I didn't actually, all things This loss of service is occurring because the entire power supply to the running a newspaper to actually considered, want to. Mechanical Engineering Building, which houses the CCS, will be use it for anything. For all my high-minded ideas switched off for electrical safety checking at the request of the College's Of all the things I have consis and idealistic editorials, the truth is Estates Division. Given the problems caused by switching off the electri- tently failed to do over the last that I'm really not interested. 1 cal supply for maintenance work, only limited maintenance has been completed since 1984. It is now essential to do a thorough check of each year, one of the omissions that has don't really care. I don't like building to ensure that the College meets its legal obligations under the surprised me most is my total fail authority, and I don't want it. As far Health and Safety at Work Act. These inspections will be carried out in ure to have any more idea about as I'm concerned, you lot deserve all Campus buildings over a period of time, it is the turn of the how Imperial College actually all you get. Mechanical Engineering Building on the weekend shown. Should you works than I did when I still Goodbye, and good riddance. require further information please contact Arthur Spirling thought that Friday nights down I'm off for a good sleep for the rest [email protected] the union were pretty neat back in of my life. the first year. I expected to understand the Jeremy Thomson. machinations of the administra HAIR NEWS HAIR NEWS HAIR NEWS Editor, 1997 - 8, apparently.

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V USE OF HAIRDRIER with complementary gel or mousse to finish your style. Actors / Actresses wanted for our production of a new STOIC All ages and nationalities wel film. Interested? Email OPEN 9-00AM - 6.00PM come. No previous experience [email protected]. Last Appointment for Hair Cut 6.00pm necessary. Phone for information on other special offers, e.g. Perms. Highlights, Tints. Have you always had a secret desire to act? Have you ever TREVOR ROY SALON dreamt of being / having Leonardo 52 Kensington Church Street, W8 DeCaprio / Kate Winslet and get TEL: 0171 937 6413 ting all the fit women / blokes? We 3 minutes from High St. Kensington & Notting Hill Gate are looking for actors / actresses COLUMNS 24 June 1998

SCIENCE IS COMING HOME By Colin Dale w ust as many of us support a foot- ly every time someone says 'Fourier This year, there were fears that 'Naturally we distance ourselves I ball team and have our favourite Transform'. these ugly scenes would once again from this kind of behaviour. I football heroes, so too do we all Fans may occasionally become be upon us. There were reports of Obviously it's OK to get a few beers nave our own favourite scientists. 1 rowdy, but most of them are a new and highly subversive under- in while reciting your best loved have whiled away many an evening equations, but this kind of mindless talking with friends about the truly barbarism brings the whole of sci magnificent work of Albert Einstein. ence into disrepute.' I have a big poster of him on my The Registry was alerted, and wall, and whenever there is a pro this year, stringent measures have gramme about him on TV I wear my been taken to prevent a repetition special Einstein wig, which is one of of previous trouble. Members of my most treasured possessions. staff have been given the authority This is a particularly exciting to detain any student seen carrying time of year for avid science fans, large numbers of textbooks in a because the exams bring the suspicious manner, and known promise of glory and success. I for troublemakers have had special one get worked up into a state of codes imprinted on their frenzied excitement at the thought swipecards to stop them gaining that questions relating to the work entry to the more important of my greatest hero might come up papers. Exam halls and lecture the this year. I'm sure I speak for thou atres have been declared alcohol- sands of other students when I say free zones. However, many law- that May and June are definitely the IC Students flock to see the final of the Bose-Einstein equation compe- abiding science fans see this as an most thrilling months in the calen tition. Sadly, scenes like this may disappear as Sky TV plan to make the infringement of civil liberties and dar. matches pay-per-view. object to being 'treated like animals' by heavy-handed invigilators. But it Indeed, the exam period is is a sad fact that this may be the such a major event that it can be essentially harmless and are just ground splinter group of Maxwell only way to stop friendly rivalry used to justify the inclusion of all out for a good time. However, in fans, who planned to run riot all from escalating into all-out war as manner of pointless statistics: dur recent years we have seen the over the campus wearing prosthet we approach the climax of the aca ing the summer term, 5,000 stu emergence of a new and highly ic beards, looking for rival fans to demic year. dents of all nationalities will take threatening phenomenon: science beat up. Mark Walsh, of the Official approximately 250 exams at hooliganism. Some students take james Clerk Maxwell Fan Club, said, venues all across the campus. things too far and are determined They will use 6,479 answer books to use what should be an enjoyable and produce 11,500 buckets of day out as an excuse for violence Advertisment cold sweat, while that guy who and destruction. Last year, there always says You have five minutes were a number of disturbing inci remaining', will have walked a dis dents at our College. tance of 539 miles supplying extra One night, a group of drunken answer books. Imperial College physics students, using the name Catering are expecting an extra £2 Einstein's Army, scrawled 'E = mc2' FELIX V million in revenue from the sale of all over the front of the as many as 200 JCR sandwiches. Biochemistry building in red paint. As we enter the final weeks In retaliation, a gang of thugs call before the exams, a lot is at stake: ing themselves the Louis Pasteur Appreciation Society raided the Bound success brings glory and the poten tial of huge financial gain, while fail Physics Department in the early ure brings a year of derision from hours of the morning and drew your colleagues and the almost cer large protein molecules on the tain sacking of tutors and lecturers. blackboard in the main lecture the Editions So it is natural for excitement to atre. Things came to a head when reach fever pitch. It is quite normal an exam had to be called off after a to see large crowds gathering out violent confrontation between the side the hall before an exam, chant two groups. Many innocent candi ALL THE ISSUES OF THE YEAR ing Faraday's Law of Induction and dates were hurt after invigilators in waving banners with Schrodinger's riot gear were called in to break up BOUND INTO A STURDY HARDBACK equation written on them, their the disturbance. St John's faces painted with various assort Ambulance crews were kept busy BOOK. AND THE COST? JUST ments of Greek letters. for several hours treating head injuries from flying calculators and Those who can't actually be TWENTY POUNDS. test tubes. Fighting also spilled over there stay at home with a few into central London, as drunken mates and drink copious amounts gangs of hooligans went on the of lager. Often, they start singing Place your orders now! rampage. Two such groups met on raucously about relativity whilst the Northern line and wrecked a browsing through illicit textbooks. Felix: 58072, [email protected] whole train. Regular commuters They also watch Open University were only too glad to pitch in and programmes on TV with the sound lend a hand. turned up very loud, cheering wild- 24 June 1998 COLUMNS 10 gtej

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Mein Kampf

reshers, you are no longer. to die outright on Friday mornings, wrapped up in politics and fairly appeared; a premature April Fool's Try to remember your first upon experiencing the pure ecsta- clean. What eight thousand read- jape has fooled hundreds; the F day in hall; it probably sy imparted by my writing. When 1 ers probably got was something newsteam have evaporated like involved much unpacking, a strolled into the Felix office at the eccentric; peculiar; egocentric; ideas for a column; and finally the moment spent deciding how many beginning of the year, only barely politics-free but still rather boring; old Felix site has been sacrificed posters it would take to cover the familiar with how it looked inside, I and fairly clean. Try thinking of thir- for something far less interesting, walls, serious drinking, a half- certainly did not expect to leave it ty different ideas that might be aided by some pre-emptive drunken mental estimation of the with a regular column. Luckily, I amusing, and then think of four to destruction by a homeless student male/female ratio, possibly vomit- was in the right place at the right six hundred words' worth of mate- newspaper's staff. ing. Tonsil hockey, if you were par- time when the harassed editor, rial for each, and you will begin to So I carry my column's cross to ticularly blessed. Then there was placed under the Felix girder for see the flaw in the plan. Golgotha, the Place of the Skull, the week you spent not going to the duration of the year, was des- Having said that, I reckon a few and see it crucified along with lectures while you met a load of perate for some material to fill a valid points were made on the "Digs the Dirt" and "Westminster people from your hall, people you quarter-page. Two weeks later, way. Will sheer processing power Eye", one on either side. Not that I haven't spoken to since week when I ventured into the office conquer Shakespeare? Is an ego claim these scribbles are in any three. Freshers' Fair, where you again, 1 was asked where my con- desirable? Will Geri succeed on her way God-like. On the contrary, signed up for eighty-five clubs, tributions had been. own? And most importantly, who TFTD will soon go to hell. And the joined one of them, and then So began my second year, is Columbo's dealer? Despite robbers? Everlasting life. decided that your time would be regarded widely as being "the epoch-making questions like Ali Campbell better spent in Southside. worst year of your life". At first the these, my only correspondence Remember lectures? They were the novelty of becoming a minor over the entire year came from a boring things you attended for the celebrity, and having people that I medical student who had postulat- first term only. Believe it or not, didn't even know recognise me, ed an intriguing scientific theorem but some people have still got was sufficient motivation to keep involving curry. them. Some of you will have dis- churning out the literary bilge. By Felix, also, has seen some covered drugs. Some of you will the end of the first term I was get- changes. Sub-editors have come have discovered sex. Some will ting pretty hacked off with my and gone; enthusiastic music have embraced alcohol. A number coursework, and even more reviewers have made the office of you will have done all three. hacked off writing five hundred their own on a Friday afternoon; an Following a first term in which words per week. A few punters IC Radio page has mysteriously you probably saw someone you pointed out that they could not fancied cavorting with someone understand where I got my ideas else (such a Hall phenomenon that from. They had obviously not seen someone in my first year thought me pacing a path into the floor for he might make a soap about it), three hours while attempting to you probably spent most of the lat- chain-smoke a workable theme ter half of the second term missing into my head. It was perhaps not lectures. Some of you will be wor- surprising, then, when reported ALL STUDENTS rying about having failed their ripples of poor quality, egomania- exams. Some will be panicking cal drivel began to spoil the unbro- about next year's accommodation. ken surface of my half-page's Most will be deciding their plans moonlit lake. The less imaginative for the summer. I am convincing of these include the Features During the summer vacation, BREAKFAST will myself that I won't be going to Editor's poetic description of one Glastonbury again. composition which made rather be available in the SENIOR COMMON ROOM too heavy use of the word "shit". At this moment in time, the average student's plans for the The most notable contributor on a daily basis from 7.30 am - 10. am. summer should be something to these tidal waves of abuse was along these lines: pay overdraft; a certain ex-girlfriend of mine. LUNCH (including Quicks and the Curry Bar) will catch up on all missed work from Rather than greeting me with past year; watch a small amount of something gratifying such as, be available in the MAIN DINING HALL. World Cup / Test matches / "Hello. I've missed you," 1 got a Wimbledon (delete as appropri- comment stating that my material ate); sleep; eat; go to Amsterdam; was "nothing more than self-indul- remember to keep in touch with all gent twaddle", before she went on "QT" and the Vending service will continue in the the lovely new friends from to steal my cigarettes and take up College. By the end of the holiday, valuable space on the sofa. JCR, although there will be NO SEATING. all of these aims will have been Having known virtually zero realised barring just two. I shall about the workings of the Union leave the estimation of which two last year, during all that New as an exercise for the reader. Election rubbish, I decided perhaps We regret any inconvenience to customers whilst This year has also seen my rise that readers weren't that interest- from a humble engineering student ed in the Union or College at all. I the JCR is renovated to a revered wordsmith, capable of thought I'd write about something twisting the English language into a bit different. My aim was to turn such exquisite shapes that unsus- out something interesting; amus- pecting students have been known ing; occasionally bizarre; not COLUMNS 24 June 1998

r Blair is a pret Chamber with anything until they ilar-minded individuals) which will State (in our case the Sovereign ty straight sort have had a full consultation as to without an iota of doubt return sug who is supposed to stay out of pol of guy. At least, what to replace it with - which gesting we use proportional repre itics) the fearsome responsibility of this is certainly what the leaves an indefinite period of time sentation in Parliament. The inviting a person to form a coali Labour publicity machine would where the Chamber of Parliament Government has already allowed it tion, seeing if it can be done, and if have us believe. In Northern Ireland designed to scrutinise the work of to seep into political life through not inviting someone else and so Tony Blair made a simple hand the Commons will be filled with the Scottish Parliament (partly on. As far as a person's vote count written pledge concerning the con Tony's friends and other Labour elected by PR) and the new elec ing for what finally gets into power, nection between the release of placemen. It would become 'Blair's toral procedure for Britain's mem the second largest party usually paramilitary prisoners which was poodle' in the same way the Lords bers of the European Parliament. wouldn't be invited to join, so their considered to have had an enor was 'Balfour's poodle' in the early We will undoubtedly be offered the votes wouldn't matter as much as mous effect on Unionist opinion of 1900s. This would be less likely to opportunity to vote for PR in a ref the votes for the smaller parties. the Good Friday Agreement. When happen if Lords reform happened erendum, which will naturally bring Assume Labour had got most the press lambasted him over the in one go, and it seems discussion power to the people etc. and with votes in a General Election here. million-pound donation to Labour is all but exhausted as to the possi the evidence that it worked in Then Her Majesty would ask the by Bernie Ecclestone, followed by bilities available in a reform. This Scotland and Europe, combined Labour leader to form a coalition, the exemption of Formula One rac giving him say, a week to do so ing from the ban on tobacco adver Hamish Common (otherwise his Downing Street days tising, Tony addressed the nation in are over). He would ask say, the Lib a fireside chat about how honest he Dems and the Ulster Unionists to Westminster do so, otherwise he won't have was and how, like ordinary people, Ippllff he made mistakes too. He didn't enough votes and another General miss the opportunity to upbraid the Election could be called. Therefore press for daring to accuse him of Eye the Lib Dems and the Ulster basic corruption. Unionists could exact whatever they wanted out of them, as hap Naturally then the public will pens all the time in countries with relax while Blair and Ashdown regrettably suggests that the only with the steamroller method used PR. announce that they would be work reason for this 'two-part' reforma to push it through, we may well ing together "to put power closer tion is to give the Prime Minister vote for it in the end. All the people who voted for to the people". They also intend to effective total control over the The main purpose of PR is to the opposition party don't get a renew the constitution and membership of the Upper House, keep Labour and the Lib Dems in look in. The small parties receive a strengthen our individual rights. meaning that so much as a squeak power. That is all there is to it. Each voice totally out of proportion with Some of this seems to be genuine. from its appointed members, and party talks of the advantages of their electoral mandate, the The creation of the Scottish Her Majesty will find herself each system, but essentially the Government governs the country to Parliament, Welsh Assembly and delighted to summon twenty new Conservative and Labour parties appease some minute party rather Greater London Assembly should Labour hacks to the House. opposed it because our first-past- than the electorate, and the whole bring decision-making down to a The next ominous sign is the the-past system kept them in Government can be knocked down more local level. No-one doubts way the Government seem to have power and the Liberal Democrats by a small party pulling out of a that the Conservative Government been handling referendums. The wanted PR, which would give them coalition. Italy's unstable PR system drew power to the national govern manoeuvring over the arrangement power. Labour's initial opposition has caused endless embarrassment ment from local authorities on an of questions for the Scottish has been softened as they have to it on the world stage, leaving it unprecedented scale and that its Parliament referendum and the found a way to kee the Tories out without coherent policies and Labour successors are looking at prepared timing of the Welsh refer hopefully for good. decreasing respect by its people for ways to reverse this process. endum to be a week after the People may disagree with this its government. New Zealand is beginning to regret its decision to However, the constitutional Scottish one (tacticians calculated column, suggesting that PR would incorporate PR into its Parliament. plans Labour have are far more that the uprising of feeling after the actually work, and that it is dis ominous. Britain is one of the few certain "Yes" vote of the Scottish graceful that the Greens/Lib But there is something even nations in the world not to have a referendum would persuade the Dems/whoever else's parliamentary more sinister about PR, which written constitution, which is made Welsh), combined with some bla representation is woefully short of explains its support by some of the up instead of a patchwork of parlia tant ministerial propaganda sug its electoral mandate, leaving the Blairite Labour apparatchiks. As the mentary legislation and convention gests that the Government would two dominant parties in absolute number of seats gained in the and common law. This puts it in a n't be amiss to vague wordings and power. However to see the real Parliament is proportional to the fragile state, although most politi careful timing to bias the result of problems of PR, one has to step number of votes cast, the principle cians respect its status above party referenda. With the Lords as an back from the plights of individuals of constituencies and MPs for a political advantage. It seems there energetic poodle, legislation for and parties. The first past the post particular area disappears. Instead are three fronts on which the such referenda shouldn't be diffi system gives the UK and elective the party would draw up ordered Government intends to secure cult (it's already happened). The dictatorship, where one party lists of members. Therefore the increase power for itself. The enor Government has already been lob (more accurately, one Prime party would have total and mous majority Labour has in the bying the Neill inquiry, urging legal Minister) has vast power for five absolute control over its parliamen Commons, and the ever-stratos limits on referenda campaign years. Then the people vote and tary membership. Any discordant pheric public support it currently spending to muffle publicity for the the government remains in power voices would be silenced by threat enjoys gives it a great opportunity 'wrong' side of a referendum, or is replaced. of disappearing off the lists for the to push through changes thought allowing ministers to create propa With PR the situation will be dif 'ballot-box' in the next election. untenable by previous administra ganda as required. ferent. This time, no party will in Internal party democracy, already badly damaged by Labour in the tions. Lord Richard, the Labour To go back to the beginning reality ever have overall control, past three years, would breathe its Leader of the Lords, confirmed the again, the co-operation between and will have to form a coalition. last. Rather than putting power in Government's intention to remove Labour and Liberal Democrats on This may improve things on the the hands of the people and indi the right of hereditary peers to 'constitutional issues' is far more lines that the smaller parties will be vidual members, PR places it in the speak and vote in the Lords. This worrying in the present context able to form coalitions and have hands of party leaders, a motley has been known previously and has where Labour genuinely could push some say in the affairs of govern collection of small parties and no- , popular support. As detailed in through dangerous measures. Lord ment. While this may sound fine, it one else. A less democratic system their manifesto, the Government Jenkins has been running a review causes a host of dangerous prob would be hard to fathom. do not intend to replace the Upper committee (entirely staffed by sim- lems. It firstly gives the Head of 24 June 1998 COLUMNS 12

efore we get started, I'm Chemistry department. As for the hence the recent second election Sherfield is that while they are afraid it's necessary to men biologists, so used to cramped, for DP F&S (bloody acronyms- they are not stupid. Making mud tion a few basic points of decaying facilities, they will more they've got me doing it as well) stick on a department made of bar etiquette. Firstly, what do you likely than not be forced to wear caused by perceived academic Teflon is not easy, and even Felix do if you knock over another slippers for fear of dirtying the weakness. This is happening far occasionally gets it a little wrong. chap's pint? Two possibilities- 'oh, carpet. too often, though I see little solu The Conference Office springs to did that have beer in it,' said after So often these large projects tion beyond seeking academic ref mind, but I can say no more observing an enormous brown suffer from continual compromise erences for candidates. However, I because on one hand my solicitor puddle on the floor. This is not cor that eats away at the intended shudder to think what this could is on holiday and also I have rect. The proper response is 'I'm improvement of facilities, but in lead to. A far bigger problem is the booked a room in Evelyn Gardens very sorry, let me get you another this case attention to detail is constituency from which most this summer. Therefore I better say one.' Secondly, the playing of clear. Though I have obviously not candidates emanate, namely the how marvellous the staff are in that drums in Southside TV lounge seen the facilities intended for Union itself. This year has been a department. They know where I while members of the human race Snow White, her seven dwarves little different, and it is good to get live. are attempting to follow a World will be delighted with their toilets, people with a fresh approach, Cup game is not recommended. I particularly the loo roll dispensers unburdened by years of hackery, Outside College, it has been a shall say no more. that are six inches off the deck. though this is not to say that some funny old year. There is too much Stranger still is the uncanny resem of ICU's golden children have gone change. Ginger Spice has left. Barry Start spreading the news, I'm blance to the Southside toilets. If on to make great sabbaticals. At Norman has sold out to Sky, and leaving today. Well, not exactly, Sir Norman Foster popped in for a this rate, I should be able to get the the House of Lords is the subject since I have been refused parole jar, the least he could have done backs up of everyone by the end of of a bizarre and deeply unwise again, but the dubious application was stand a round or two. the article... reform. New Labour plods on, of Ol' Blue Eyes' lyrics have becoming more sanctimonious become a bit of a tradition in this and less like the dream that so column. Given that the great man many endorsed. Against this back is now playing the biggest venue of drop, strong opposition is essen them all, I could not resist. For 00 tial. The Conservatives, after an many of you, this will be the last TO understandably shaky start after 18 Felix you read before you are cast i£>' years on the other side of the into the cultural wilderness that is CQ House, are now taking Labour to the real world. Some of you, now I Z5 task in an effective manner. come to think of it, started at Cometh the hour, cometh the broadly the same time as this col C man. Though she has only been in umn, affording you a glimpse of the job a week or so, Ann Imperial College life denied to your O O Widdecombe is already proving predecessors. Ah well, can't win her self to be a mjor thorn in the 'em all. =1? side of the Cabinet. This woman E scares Michael Howard, so what chance does Blair have. 1 quite This year has been fairly event expected that Tony Blair would ful for Imperial, containing low lo have the decency to announce the points and lower points. Ooh, such Cabinet reshuffle before this article cynicism is one so young. Only jok The Union has proved, as ever, ... which brings me neatly to so I could rubbish it, but that's ing. This year has been marked by to be a fairly eventful place. The Sherfield. I sometimes worry that politicians for you. a few big successes, none more so carnivals have been very good, the this obsessive interest is unique to than the second position of IC in beer has been very bad (stick to me, yet it is the topic that those the Financial Times University sur the Guinness, which is not bad at people who still talk to me men So much to say and so little vey, and first position of Southside all) and the elections have been tion the most. From the point of space. No time to review the art Bar in the inter-bar boat race. If held at a rate that would give an view of a humble wordsmith, that 'exhibitions', not even time to one wishes to demonstrate the Italian returning officer work-relat building is a godsend. Have you remind those of you who forgot to changes that have occurred at ed stress. When we finally elected any idea how hard it would be to get out of bed this year to sample Imperial, one need look no further Andy Heeps, we got a very safe craft 500 words of purple prose the exquisite beer in Southside than the BMS. Regular readers will pair of hands to continue the (no sniggering at the back) every That's pretty much the long and know that I have been scathing excellent work of Eric Allsop. week without that lot? They're not the short of it. I've enjoyed this about this project in its early Sherfield were delighted when a all bad, of course, but some of year, and I hope that I have pro stages, but as time has gone on, it medic won, since it made the them do give the impression of vided something to amuse and has come together very success merger that little bit easier, but pausing mid sentence purely to infuriate you. Going by the Felix fully. Not perfectly, however, as many of us, myself included, were change foot in mouth. All this leads postbag, I suspect the latter, but the Rector has said in this issue, a bit wary. Fortunately we have some to say I am out to rubbish you know what Oscar Wilde said but 1 must say that compared to been proved wrong. Andy has not Imperial at every opportunity. Not on being talked about. Farewell, most building projects at IC, this displayed the small mindedness so. If I truly did not give a toss mes amis, be you staff, student or one has gone like clockwork. The and chidlish insularity that charac about IC, I wouldn't be here in the even Director of Estates. As for building itself, which I visited last terises so many of his medical col first place. Though parts of IC are next year, who knows? All I do week (thanks again to Phil Hilton leagues and is perfectly illustrated run well, many areas are managed know is that next year's editor is a and Ollie Clarke of Schal), is quite in the block votes. Hopefully the in a way that is detrimental to the Titan among men, blessed with superb and utterly wasted on presence of a medic at the high students, the staff and the College exceptional judgment and savoir- medics, who, as new members of altar will also help to bring the new itself. Quite why we tolerate such faire. Another beer, Ed? the College, would be far better BMS intake into the fold next term. practices in non-academic depart Ladies and Gentlemen, Simon served by occupying a building While we have certainly had fewer ments in an elitist institution has Baker has been put back in his box steeped in the glorious history of elections than last year, the always been a mystery. The prob - Ed. Imperial, such as the neighbouring process has gone without a hitch. lem with many of the denizens of f 1 was given a lot of money and the after with the appropriate attachment. If you haven't Unfortunately you might have to extend your I noon off, this is what I would prepare for a got access to one, use one of those funky hand- overdraft to pay for the ingredients. They won't large evening in (with 3 or 4 others). The powered whisks that you get your fingers be very easy to find either, unless you go to the souffle is another example of my courgette caught in. The last resort is to use a couple of Phake Pharaoh's Emporium. Foie gras is a fetish but its delicately subtle flavour and forks held side by side in the hand. This works goose's liver cooked and preserved in its own ephemerally light texture is well worth the effort. (with a lot of effort) by whipping the egg whites fat. Truffle is a black mushroom which grows The beef dish is another kettle of fish entire around the bowl and at the same time lifting the underground in 1" round lumps. As for the puff ly. Each ingredient has its own strong and distinct forks up and out to try and incorporate as much pastry, you could mess about making your own flavour but after steaming away together the truf air in the liquid as possible. Make sure the bowl (find the recipe at) but I really recommend you fle infuses the fillet whilst the whole is sweetened you are using is absolutely dry before you put find a commercial version. They work fine. by the foie gras to create something quite the egg whites in to increase your chances of a Take the sheet of puff pastry and roll it superb. A heady brew to be enjoyed with a heady class result. around the fillet (pat it dry with a teacloth first). Bordeaux. The final preparation is to fold the egg Trim the pastry but leave a 1" overlap to seal. The last course is a very light sorbet designed whites into the white sauce mixture. This is sup Take the fillet out and spread the foie gras over to revive the senses by its sharp purity. posed to be a delicate operation. Do not try to the pastry (not on the edges). Slice the truffle Good luck and have a gastronomic summer. get a completely uniform mixture: your souffle into very thin (see-through) slices and lay them will come out a complete flop. Instead pour the on to the foie gras. Season with ground pepper beaten egg whites onto the sauce. Then with a and finally place the fillet in the middle. COURGETTE SOUFFLE wooden spoon scrape along the bottom of the Swiftly prepare an egg wash (1 egg yolk and bowl, pull it out and dump your excavations on two tablespoons of water mixed together),

niAlli Campbell'bdiup s New

nother year, another editor, and Butt-head were held for ques- 1097: 7 November 97 A and another group of stories tioning, after witnesses spotted produced by the combined them trashing the Sherfield coffee Bones efforts of a new government, an old stall. . . . .: ICU President, various Acts of God, One of two news stories written by and a gaggle of over-excited sci- 1093: 10 October 97 yours truly this year was embla- ence, technology and medicine zoned in glorious technicolour students. For those of you who Homeless (well, orange and black) across the spent the whole year in bed, had a front page of an issue whose permanent hangover, or decided to More concern for newly-arrived IC design was described as both "vile" go to France instead, we tell you students, upon noticing that one of and "great" in subsequent letters what happened, how it happened, the Halls of Residence was falling -1 pages. This superbly written slice of and who was compromised in the to pieces. Luckily it transpired that stay as far as possible away from polychromatic drivel detailed a process... only an ornamental section of Southside Bar, which saw the first march in protest against the intro- Garden Hall's "dental course" had of its many brawls this week. duction of tuition fees. A photo- collapsed, and the rest of the block graph taken at the march depicted was described as "[being] in an 1096: 31 October 97 the two new ICU Presidential can- acceptably safe condition". This did didates being overshadowed by a not help ICU President Eric Allsop, Let's Get Sued skeleton - could it have been the who failed to be anywhere near the ghost of New Election? Another masonry when it fell, and hence The front page story outlined IC's pipe burst this week, much to the was not put out of his fifteen- plans to build its own power sta- amusement of anyone not doing month Presidential misery. tion, apparently churning out Mechanical Engineering: a steam It was just as well that our exist- 3.875MW - note that this is still pipe on the fifth floor of the build- ing Halls were managing to stand only 0.32% of the 1.21 GigaWatts ing took it upon itself to cancel a the test of time, though, given the required to help out a trapped few lectures, and create an other front-page article this week, Marty McFly. Cases of meningitis impromptu sauna. Issue 1092: 3 October 97 "IC Accommodation at Crisis was once more reported at a There were also the hustings for Point", describing the heart- harassed Cardiff University, and the jobs of DP(C&S) and ICU Flood wrenching story of students having there was seemingly some afflic- President, although many would to live in Clayponds rather than in tion at the Felix office as well - pub- rather have seen it as a vote decid- You would think that it was reason- nice local halls. Spare a thought for lished in this issue was the infa- ably possible, given the whole the people sleeping on the mous story about the Conference sphere of human knowledge, to Embankment: I read a story once Centre which cost the editor valu- keep water flowing where it is sup- about a student who spent two able apology space for the next two posed to be. How hard can it be to years in a tent. I am also rather sur- issues. It was either that, or get create a pipe that will not burst? prised that we did not end up run- sued. Other bad news: Blunkett's Quite tricky for Southside Hall, ning a story: "Three hundred IC tuition fee suggestion raised its

freshers have resigned from their ugly head for the first of many :: :: : : apparently, who experienced i:: ' 'i; ::'|:'i " ':HMH something of a rupture in their courses after worries about crime occasions here, with the news that plumbing on the 7 September. The on-campus" alongside the pieces thousands of prospective students resultant cascade of this Water of entitled "Clayponds Thefts Restart" were being discouraged from B Life affected most of the hall's and "Equipment Nicked", and a attending University by the financial staircases and forced the Linstead potential alcoholic catastrophe: the pressure involved. It was probably \ — housekeeper, Sheena McDonagh, Union's trouble in obtaining a also about this time that Andrew Public Entertainment Licence. Heeps (not President yet, remem- to spend her evening in a less inter- ing whether Eric Allsop should be ber) formulated his cheesy "ability esting way than she had planned. let out of his cell after fifteen to learn rather than ability to earn" Already slightly anxious freshers 1095: 24 October 97 months. quip. A future in the House of may have become even more con- Lords beckons, surely. cerned upon seeing Felix's front Poison Gas 1098: 14 November 97 page depicting the introduction of security dogs on the South Skipping high over Issue 1094, Rag Mag Slagged Kensington campus, presumably to which seems to have been erased fight off the crack, organised, crim- from history, we discover that Democracy decided that Allsop inal squad of muggers, drug dealers "Physics Leaks Deadly Fluorine": should indeed be returned to the and con-artists that patrol Imperial although not very often, thankfully - wild, as Charlie Joynt and Andrew College both night and day. One this was caused by three disused Heeps were selected to climb up problem with which these canine cylinders of the gas waiting to be the ziggurat of command by those policemen seemed unable to deal chucked out. There were also com- voters that did leave their beds. was the spontaneous combustion plaints by IC's Safety Officer that The defeated Presidential candi- of the Sherfield cash machine, sup- members of staff had been seen date was Mark Baker, and may I posedly caused by a malfunctioning gazing out of windows while the say that he has not stopped whin- receipt printer. Mulder and Scully alarm was raised all around them. ing about the kitchen sink since. were subsequently called in; Beavis Perhaps they were attempting to There were chuckles all round at 24 June 1998 NEWS REVIEW 15

the unfortunate Norris McWhirter, 1100: 28 November 97 1105: 30 January 98 who had a slight accident with the barrier in the IC car park resulting in Computer Sex Buses Don't Float his teeth being "damaged". Hmm. Rag also suffered a setback when The Principal Sheaf of the Students' Politics bore many people, so ICU their magazine came under heavy Newspaper at Imperial College was was in for a treat when the papers criticism for containing jokes of an the site of mixed fortunes on this went up for yet another round of "unacceptably racist and homo- particular Friday morning. Firstly sabb elections. The ICU Boat Club's phobic" nature. No change there, there were the Praed Street rapes fortunes improved this week, when then. (bad news; on this we shall not some philanthropic part of society dwell) followed by news of a sec- decided to hand them £703,500 1099: 21 November 97 ond large demonstration against for restoration of its Putney training tuition fees (good news. Why, I'd 1102: 17 December 97 site. It is also worth noting that the Moaning Witch show the bloody government a Boat Club had rather worse luck the thing or two if I could just get out of Drugs week after, when their minibus was It couldn't be long before whispers this chair.) found floating in the Thames. Still, of IC sports teams and their Good news for excitable and A flaming piece of paper stuck to a I'm sure they can afford a new one. destructive capabilities began to fil- sex-starved computing students door, again in Beit Hall, resulted in ter through into the office. This this week was that DOC were the residents standing out in their week, the first of these incidents receiving a Fujitsu AP3000 comput- pyjamas for a while. Very fetching, was given the glory of the front er. This was (and with luck, still is) ln fact, it seems likely that the page: seems the football team equipped with the following attrib- words "Look out, Security is com- (ICUAFC) got a bit too rowdy utes: eighty nodes, 12.5 Gb of ing" might well have been written somewhere along their "Hammy memory, 336 Gb of internal drive on the paper. Naughty students Ten" pub crawl. One of the pubs' space and a theoretical peak per- who should have known better staff described the team as formance of 45.6 Gigaflops. were caught smoking the old "extremely obnoxious" - surely he (Steady, now.) Oh, and the Jamaican Woodbines in both was mistaken? Also on the front Chemistry undergraduate common Linstead and Beit, presumably get- page was the news that Sir Patrick room was closed: presumably the ting into the Christmas spirit rather Mayhew had come to educate the space was needed for storing more too early. 1106: 6 February 98 impressionable ConSoc flock; he chemicals for fabricating drugs and was quoted as saying that he explosives. 1103: 16 January 98 Heeps, Andy Heeps "deserved an Oscar". We pause to consider the quantity of legislation Art Critics ICU Presidents are like James Bond required to award all Conservative actors. Each has his or her own MPs an Oscar at the ceremony 1 wouldn't like to be a builder. More classic style to bring to the job. This before going home for some particularly, 1 wouldn't like to have was highlighted when Andrew cannabis ... news. Readers will have been one of the builders working Heeps and Eric Allsop described either smiled or frowned at the on Mech Eng renovations this week the floundering City and Guilds blocks of hashish-based enlighten- in January, who discovered a Union as "a joke" and "a bunch of ment which have dropped from the decade-old severed human foot arse" respectively. So which of the purple haze this year, but a small planted as a prank by some medics two is George Lazenby? article heralding BMA observations years before. Many students concerning use of cannabis for wished that the foot had belonged 1109: 27 February 98 medical purposes did appear with to Douglas Trainer, NUS President, the most excellent headline: "BMA 1101: 5 December 97 as student unions nationwide dis- Drugs II Deals Blow to Anti-Drugs Lobby". played dissent at the NUS' handling Nice one, Features Editor. Bang! of the tuition fees issue. Despite the rather fascist democra- Otherwise, the careers fair Arguably the most dramatic cy sometimes employed by the received record turnout, and You were no decent student if you happening of the year was chroni- medical schools to rig ICU elec- Helen-Louise Windsor was award- did not at least have a quick guffaw cled in 1103: the 22-Club, RCS tions, four sabbatical posts were ed the post of RCSU President. at the "Chemistry Computer elective social club, was banned for filled first time round: Ed Sexton Lucky her. Meltdown". Felix reported: "On two years from all College premises (Felix), Dave Wharton (DP F&S), Sunday 16 September... all lights... following a slight faux pas. Dave Hellard (ICU President) and began to flicker and blow; the air Members dining in the Main Dining Adam Cherrington (DP C&S) were conditioning system failed; dor- Hall decided to explore the Ante all blessed by the ballot box. mant electrical appliances eerily Room Gallery, not realising that an Waterstone's, having cheekily switched themselves on and the art exhibition lay ready to be swiped the College bookstore deal, culmination came with the explo- opened in a few days. Felix report- decided it would be quite nice to sion of electrical equipment" - ed: "...the revellers... began to start selling cards and stationery as most apocalyptic. Could this be the abuse the artworks... with wine, well - what's next? Fridge freezers? end of the world as we know it...? cigarette burns and vomit. An Men were behaving badly once It was quite an amusing week all offensive note was also found ... again: the ICU football Fourths round for those finding pleasure in describing the perpetrator's opin- were in trouble for acting in a cock-ups: apparently new electron- ion..." The damage was estimated "drunken, rowdy manner" at Bath ic locks fitted in Beit Hall could be at about £700 - let's just thank God Union. A representative of Bath opened using the old credit-card that there was toilet paper in the Union was quoted as saying "they trick, which will have pleased a lot lawy. won't be very welcome here". Still, of robbers fancying themselves as at least that means they can't actu- Clint Eastwood. ally lose to Bath again. This was also the memorable week during which New Scientist allegedly 16 NEWS REVIEW 24 June 1998 N /ui campoeii s

uncovered the World Health on the walkway, dressed in lingerie Cross and St. Mary's, rescuing 1117: 29 May 98 Organisation's cannabis cover-up. as a result of being snapped up at them from an uncertain future. This Evil stuff, mate: I wouldn't touch it. the Rag Slave Auction. came just in time for the students, Resign Observant people may have who might otherwise had to have 1110: 6 March 98 noticed the spot above the T in contemplated a week at College, There was trouble all round this Felix.... sober. week. Dave Wharton, DP F&S elect, Ted Dead decided to resign his post due to 1112: 25 March 98 1114: 8 May 98 academic difficulties. The groans Felix was guilty of stating the obvi- around the Union were broken only ous when an article on page 2 enti- Drugs ill Bomb Scare! by the far-off chuckling from those tled "CCUs - Nobody Cares: It's at St. Mary's who voted 'New Official" utterly failed to raise any ... leading to the shock arrest of News this week was pitiful: the Election'. Bad news sprouted for eyebrows. Crap news of the week Felix editor Jeremy Thomson, who best front page story we could King's College, whose Union was the death of Dermot Morgan, was reported to have impregnated manage was entitled: "IC Suffers Manager was sacked for numerous C4's Father Ted: a minute's silence each copy of Felix 1111 with LSD. Worst Ever News Drought". offences "including fraud and was held in the Felix office, Luckily it turned out to be a hoax, Despite this, some amusing gub- drunken behaviour". This man although that might just have been but this did not stop you gullible lot bins did occur; 1C Security, the would probably fit in well in because nobody could think of any- handing in a large number of copies Bomb Squad and the police were America, where students staged thing to say. of 1111 to Security. (Shame on called in to defuse a bomb in the protests against alcohol bans, and anyone who tried to ingest the Sherfield Building, which may have faced tear gas. cover. You know who you are, you been placed to interfere with a Other negative vibes included pliable fools.) More drug news this Biology final in the Great Hall. The the announcement of Tube strikes, week appeared in the shape of a composition of the bomb was not and worst of all, no Felix for two pro-cannabis march in Hyde Park: quite as chucklesome as last year's weeks... various Felixers were present (pure- effort: aluminium cans and foil ly for journalistic purposes, you replaced the memorable overhead 1118: 5 June 98 understand), but none of them projector scam. could remember what happened. A burglary attempt in Elec. Eng. Noah's Hall was thwarted, saving thousands of pounds worth of computer equip- Another indication of the complete ment, but I rather wish they had lack of student interest in the run- stolen my coursework before ning of the Union came to light escaping. More important news when the ICU AGM was terminated this week came in the shape of a by a shout of, "Quorum!" from collection of possible cures for can- Mech. Eng. student Andy Southern. cer (but don't start smoking yet, He was supposedly protesting kids.) about the lack of student interest at 1111: 13 March 98 the meeting, but I suspect he was 1115: 15 May 98 just clearing his throat. Lingere There was more bad news for Put That Fag Out Brabazon House, the Charing Cross IC managed to bag more research 1113: 1 May 98 hall, when rain flooded the base- funding than any other university, A group of Wardens and Sub- ment. (Why is it so hard to keep including Oxford or Cambridge, Beer Wardens put forward the proposal water out? Why?!) This apparently begging the question: how much that smoking should be banned led to a scramble during which did this cost IC in bribes? Sherlock It transpired during the Easter holi- completely in all College resi- people had to fill bags with their Holmes was called in to examine a days that there was "Trouble Ahead dences. This really very cheeky sug- possessions and take them upstairs case of blackmail as College for Campus Renaissance", describ- gestion was treated with the con- to the safety of dry land. It sounds demanded 70% of the proceeds ing delays in the construction of the tempt it deserved - the campaign rather like a game show: anybody from the walkway STA Travel shop: £58m Biomedical Sciences build- failed. There was terrible news of fancy the licence? Andrew Heeps described it as "the ing. Hands up all those who didn't students being shot in Indonesia, worst day of my Presidency". Felix predict that anyway. Imperial also while campaigning for the resigna- Issue 1119: 24 June 98 suspects that he was just suffering managed to leap ahead of Oxford tion of President Suharto. Six were from a hangover. The ICU Football in the Financial Times' University killed. Think yourselves lucky. It's This One team systematically trashed a Rankings, but I dare say there was Physicists might have been hotel, incurring ICU over a thou- no criterion in the rating system interested in the story describing sand pounds in costs - apparently involving availability of women. Or how Australian astronomers had You're reading it. Errm... something this sum included a bill for "an accommodation. Or, for that mat- discovered a supposed new black about STOIC being on television. entire silver cutlery set and a paint- ter, quality of student newspaper. hole. Let's hope they haven't made This week, I did my laundry and ing, which had been torn down and Also occurring over Easter was a Hubble-type mistake, where the caught a horrible cough. Look, just urinated over". Lovely. Other lovely good news for the medical schools' scientists forgot to take off the lens go read the news section, OK? happenings included a vary fetch- bars: a private company stepped in cap. ing picture of one Anjit Chaudhari with a tender for both Charing ICU ents presents IT'S COMING HOi

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Imperial College Union RAG Mass Debate '98

Annual General Meeting

Thursday 25 th June 1998 @ 12:45p.m.

Everybody Welcome Rag Office (Behind the UDH) 19 18 INTERVIEW 24 June 1998 24 June 1998 INTERVIEW

bricks and mortar are already in place. This will view of old cynics like me, who saw all the always had the Rector down as a chap of the England football squad. There have been the appropriate sub-contractors have not ples of academic practice in some universities, be done once the money has been found. The classic hallmarks of an asset strip, the "prin- sound judgement, but after he agreed to problems, as everyone realises, not least the properly thought out the systems that they inconceivable to those at Imperial. That is not I to say that IC is without fault. There are "cer- biggest project on the horizon is the refurbish- cipal reason [for the merger] is that it offers be interviewed by yours truly for a second fact that the building is late. Naturally, I were putting in" and were "not co-ordinated ment of the Royal School of Mines. Described an entry into agriculture", which Sir Ron sees time, I'm not so sure. Perhaps I don't scare assumed that the Rector would attribute this to by the management... in the last few tain areas where I believe we are seriously by Sir Ron as "the biggest refurbishment the as very important. "I believe that agriculture the Suite Five posse anymore? Surely not. insignificant difficulties, sweeping the issue months, virtually all the changes have been of deficient," but sadly my skills garnered from Ladybird Book of Enemy Interrogation in the next century is going to be very differ- Anyway, I donned the flak jacket and head- under the carpet. I was very wrong. "We have the latter kind." Penalty clauses have been the ent to agriculture in this century." Research ed for the inner sanctum. been very disappointed over the performance mooted before, and it was comforting to failed to elicit an example. into crops that goes beyond genetic modifi- of the builders... undertakings that we have hear that somebody did, after all, have the The non-academic services offered by IC MI am not satisfied Unlike last year, when the aim was more cation, taking into account considerations been given over deadlines and achievements sense to put into the original contracts, mak- are a little more clear cut. "I am not satisfied such as atmospheric and soil variations, is have not been met in a number of cases." In ing payments due to the College in the event with the facilities that we provide our stu- with the facilities that something in which the Rector feels that 1C Imperial-speak, this is strong stuff. "Although in of problems. "We shall try to recover unjusti- dents"; a statement that many would claim should be heavily involved. This dovetails fiable costs or increases in cost that were was an affirmation of the blindingly obvious, we provide our neatly with the idea that the two big areas for attributable to the unreasonable actions of but it is reassuring to hear such an unambigu- research in the next century will be environ- others." Methinks that Sir Ron may be rele- ous assessment of the situation. students...^ Accommodation is being upgraded, at long mental and medical science, the new cross- disciplinary areas that he feels should dis- last, with Southwell and Beit Hall first in the College has ever done", he predicts that pro- solve the boundaries of science more applic- frame. No news yet of Southside, though ject could cost up to £40 million and in terms able to the nineteenth century. All this should of disruption "will be a nightmare." Many peo- help to boost the College's standing, already ple feel that College is already a perennial indicated by the Financial Times Survey. building site with scant consideration give to Though pleased by the result, he made that point that "I can construct league tables just interview as defensible as the FT's that could put with the to stick the boot in, I meant to pose incisive questions, the better to elicit Sir Ron's views on how the year has gone. Clearly the big issue at Imperial has been the medical merg- er, made tangible by the construction of the a formal legal sense, the obligations lie with BMS. The changes have gone beyond the those we have been dealing with, some of the bricks and mortar, requiring a major overhaul fault lies with us", he conceded. The loss of Prof by Simon Bak of the existing administration of the medical John Archer to Herriot-Watt, former Deputy gated from Schal's Christmas card premier schools. This was "bigger than we thought. Rector who was responsible for the project was division. However, in the final analysis, the Although we knew the institutions we were a particular difficulty. Acquainting his successor, BMS will come in on budget or thereabouts, merging with, we did not appreciate quite Prof Bill Wakeham, took a little time, and could which for IC is a miracle. there are mutterings on the grapevine that how large the job would be." Particularly with explain some of the problems. One annoyance The Dearing Report affects all universi- something might happen; for my money, the regard to the finances, this has "led to per- highlighted by all involved in the project has ties, but has particular relevance to the only refurbishment possible for Southside Halls fectly understandable dissatisfaction within been the vacillations of some of the groups des- Rector, since he helped to produce it. It con- requires a wrecking ball and dynamite. the needs of the inmates, who have to work Oxford at the top, or Cambridge, or the medical school." This is being resolved by tined for the building. Schal say that this has tains some "Very good points, and some Plans for decent sports facilities are back around a constant stream of noise, grime and Imperial." Nevertheless, it's better to criticise "constructing a new division across the old caused considerable hassle, and Sir Ron said points about which I'm less enthusiastic." on the agenda, after the failure of the planning general tattiness. He replied that he has league tables when you're near the top, a accounting structure." Sounds fine, but that "we probably did not exercise tough enough Elaborating, he said that the short timescale, application for the Linstead tennis courts. "never known a situation where it has been point with which the Rector agrees. depending on who you speak to, this process coupled with the time to bring the "deliber- While he claimed that the reasons for rejection remotely satisfactory," but did not offer any is far from complete, with little difficulties ately inexpert" committee up to speed left - increased traffic - were "bizarre", Sir Ron specific suggestions as to how this could be I could go on for several more pages, persisting. Little difficulties such as not ^We have been very only about twelve months to compile the said it was probably wise not to press the issue addressed. I hope that our friends in Estates such was the range of topics that we cov- knowing to whom bills should be sent. I trust report. He said that probably the most as "some battles are not worth winning." Hell will pay particular attention to this as they ered, but space is against us. We discussed this will be sorted out before it builds into disappointed over the important achievement was the demonstra- hath no fury like the Knightsbridge Association draw plans for the RSM. When finished, the my pet subject, Sherfield, and beyond Sir quite a nasty surprise. All in all, given the dis- tion "that their claim that universities were scorned, apparently. Instead, the plan is to building will house the Huxley School and the Ron's assertion that "no area is perfect", a parate tribes that were, in some cases joined performance of the significantly underfunded has been accept- build on top of the existing Sports Centre, a Management School, freeing up their highly view with which I have a degree of sympathy, in a shotgun wedding, it seems to be bedding ed" by influential bodies, such as the CBI. On non-trivial task given that building's legendary desirable Exhibition Road home, which will be I was worried to hear that he feels that we down reasonably. "The first year of ICSM has builders...^ tuition fees, he said that "if you accepted the foundations. Lottery bids seem to have gone leased out as part of a plan "to make more use probably spend too little on admin. This is been tougher than most people thought, but position that the financial position was bad, out of the window, removing the need for a lot of academic buildings", turning residential something that may well be addressed by in although there are still problems ahead, quite of features of minimal use to the College, but properties "into revenue streams." A very the future. Overall, I sensed that the Rector discipline on the departments... to specify their and you put that together with the assertion a few are behind us... the next mountain to essential for such applications. All this should refreshing attitude indeed, and eminently is, slowly but surely, coming round to my way requirements in sufficient detail, early, and make of all the political parties that there will be no be climbed is the arrival of the freshmen in enable a lower cost solution, and the Rector sensible. of thinking(l). It has, by common consent them stick." To their credit, the building appears more money, there is unfortunately only one October", a point on which most people at said he expected some action within "three or been a fairly good year, topped off nicely by to be extensively future-proofed, which is anoth- outcome... student fees", a decision for As part of Imperial's plan to take over the South Ken would surely agree. Academically, four years." Birthday Honours for Professors Jarman and er way of saying that college pitched for twice which "no one was enthusiastic." It wasn't all world, which has already seen the plundering there are challenges as well, he said, the Kibble and the IC Summer Ball, for which I what they needed and got away with it. The con- negative from the perspective of the stu- On the subject of Lottery bids, he con- of London's medical schools, our next target biggest being "ensuring that this new and should now be getting ready. Next year will stant tweaking of the design inevitably delays dents, he claimed. Some were pleased by the firmed that the Music &. Arts Centre bid, a is little Wye College, near Ashford in Kent. A very ambitious course meets [the students'] be a real challenge, when the medical hordes work, and modifications "derived from users "recognition that a number of the assertions dead duck from the outset in the opinion of report on the proposed merger will go to the expectations and ours." descend. I wait with baited breath. changing their mind... are inexcusable." He that had been made about the poor quality many, has failed. Again, this removes the need Governors next week, but it will recommend of services some universities were providing to spend a fortune to enable the public to get the proposal, leading to full incorporation by 1 The BMS building has been the subject of claimed that recent changes, responsible in part was justified." Sir Ron saw "appaling" exam- in and cuts the cost enormously, given that the August 2000, if Wye agree. Contrary to the more column inches than the peccadilloes of for the late opening were "generated because 20 FEATURE 24 June 1998 24 June 1998 FEATURE 21

Tnnnnr 4m, m m aft 16/05/98 Saturday ey tfje/ dooity leaving- h&r prostrate oiv the- dround*. Voey 24/05/98 Sdnday. Zyo^Cy ...... :;:.;..y|';':.y ; M id/- day leave- 'StiKtorvifor VcktoriaAS tat lottx, the? ruck/ : thlymnake>$me/ o/^yad/ pkryon?mn/ thlfy event the/ gety up Sukothal. The/ytyietyarhpave^witr^I I roMifnornB\g*. Pi^the^yyothjng* yach vy bri*^m*vng/over. Tpxty cyhad/ n^wy <*4&t lea^ey no- I fCrytt: a/ triumph/ for poyCtive/ tr^nkln^. Itiyeayy wrjen/vC^iA^fcma*w pladey A iu-aA'j wondere- wai-m/the4 onfiAe/ yotJryelf the*tmxd trie/ holMay tkuy fay. The/ bridge/ we/ \vUl crqyy it. yeaA Horrihle/ r4aluyatfc>n/ tnat thfe/ Qatwvch mpre^ykdoey mar& in/fromtof r^hw^copylofth^ yomely in/ indeed/ $0- tb- Qatskick/ a^xl not: Heathrovj otkr intend&d/ by cr&ftuy %?XKnln\fr overfhly yhtfulderl not difficult when/ in/ Thailand/. Phap thai! kun^chup Wanileri suilli wJfv deMtnatiom confyderuwl ani'atledyt5 fv^talter than%anyone/eUe/ phah barig/fal daeng'. j anv dy loveq andkcoida^t qi bring mylelftzr Panto. I hxty/e/ encountered/ yo-.far, I pans r> uxci thp/ bac% page/ When/1 return/ ftt 3riK&rn/1 butst pi-owns an)d* the^rogy^>i*th Break, into k/ btuey and/raw foY tube/1 andMhere/ |t w. % I j I etabie/ caUfyd/ mc^vwnm glory. Thai an* option* ho- why am\ I Tube/ pally into Qlo^ucejyt&r Roafyjuyt ay a/ young' woman/ ARSENAL 21NT.WCASTLE f j houry ofenaleyy e withi * Th*eyft&4£e*p*ke*1}&mbaM spice*nppt fatnty on/ trie/ platform^ whilst otheryiruyh (so her aid/1 I fottgvve/ JpoU- for mating- vke/ fly 'on/ cu|> final day. CamberwelQ SafaJkxyy. am/ wdUn^ two things that yhe> %ety ufi now}, thiy V idMt tell [her that though/. 1 § | | minute/, no-^nake/that yicond/ and/th\^the^^i^eA\<^oy- j

nyway, the consequence of this traumat- age Thai would sooner walk away than display So over the following three weeks if ever I was A ic up-bringing and the fact that I am signs of criticism I became sensitive to knowing caught out then I would bide my time until able European and consequently have always shakes of the head every time I committed this to chalk one up for the away team. This would associated the fork with being the implement of heinous faux-pas in public. And it began to agi- usually be along the lines of something environ- fhe diary of a choice with which to get sustenance twixt plate tate me to such a degree that I started to pick mental i.e watching polystyrene plates and plas- and lip meant that on more than one occasion fault with my hosts. And let's face it if the tic bottles being thrown with gay abandon by the in Thailand, left-hand, fork and mouth were Church of England had tried and failed I'm locals into the streets, rivers, countryside. Petty, s witnessed by recent events in the wealth and smugness that is for ever Great who's natural demeanour is that of an stick within close proximity of one another. damned (probably) if some eastern mysticism I know, but there was an unwritten war taking Marseilles, the Englishman abroad is, at Britain (and who else would have the arrogance insect, and in retrospect probably more ignorant A Having read in my travelling bibles that the aver- was going to succeed. place here. best, a loathsome figure. Followed close- to prefix thus). But that IS my problem you see, than if I were to use my native tongue, but there ly by the Antipodeans, Americans and of course for now, when travelling abroad I find myself it is, my problem, mine to deal with. the Germans, albeit for entirely different rea- overly sensitive to the beliefs and traditions of So obviously when travelling to a country like sons, we are the Kings of the Effluent Treatment the country to which I have journeyed. It has got Thailand swathed in the mysteries of Buddhism Centre and little else. to the point where rather than speak English, and a language untouched by anything remote- My problem is that I don't actually enjoy being slowly and loudly of course, I will remain mute ly Roman it is not without a little trepidation. Reluctant Traveller English. Yes I know that 1 can say this from the until I have sufficient grasp of a language to at However armed with my "Rough Guide" and my comfort of my own desk having had a privileged least order some food, which has led to near "Culture Shock" I can but endeavour to be more Andy Thompson struggles with his cultural identity up-bringing, wanting for nothing, cocooned in severe bouts of malnutrition. Not good for one than just another Brit abroad.

ii -: 6/05/98 Tuhday. j WT Iv 75p Settled* in at Lew Thai ^ie^thoi^se. Vecid-edAon cob-ifort : how&jer. % . :| j Tah iy withoxit d%i.lbt they ary% of the- w> , wu/iti*1%can!

tiil we »uU:.vr.. 450 .yvkt (07.50) for excellent-;te-ak- < r.,<.i- ,ii ;i( the Ay.a Hotel. W^haK'eidecid§d*t>o^own/- yaved by tf%& view ffthe- Jiver ahdr ihel^ayp co%le*awand/ douhu>- room and/fMi*m*ym*n*g fool. I shuft to ZOO baht (£3.2X1) for the* room, which comta* We/ cannot yoait tfy- leavel They harvt kverv * the*wimrm*ng* Huge r.itr., tibyMi.cti(\ unuinnty, the or.i>. thituj H-f 630a>.m/ J I Bufto- SJafchon/ kawar^ recep^xiiA than' the* St&hn asp the/ ectchroAches %iiu:\-.i\ii for'jru-i away), -.uui our w;\ ratixrotfm angK&k/. | app wently, aUfmugh (er. Decide*t \va#\t to take wmi; hrm-te ar.dUnatc {hem 3.30 p.wv I J Ar&ive/3abigkerli I the* freat wa*n*. withthe*on4^I keep h (he nuUartf stru-.r. M/'rm i o(U-$e-. I but We/do-^owev^ galAyome/%^ achhvingj on liehctoiit M'^f.yxfd-. aWuJiuejhpu5S«'^-on Ca*mt belhve* Cm crat^ after 21/05/98 Thiu-idai. I I rrmevnhvr: tui that the* thai* iAea* of fin they wuhout more}tharv$i/one^hour wait deifkbe* beh\*g* jufi a* crab- ii* b^tween|Stopy. Up at 5.00 d.m tf uttih Ccatti fi>r '{'Ju-tsatu-Aok. Th^re'Lfr to he*ut it op thu^roiufhiy with a* lar<*$4- blunt -.ntfnunetxt Vodgy momlentwhen/JoM^ha^to-yithn/vthemyack/^atofl Zatof Holfywoooi and/khe* only one-thdityhU biu-vuntfin my .ntmius i iwak^and ar.d \U-a\e- yon U> extract m*e$t frovfy shcil; limbf, eyes* the/ coach/ wu^oMy mejibetvje%n^ looked*!the%*. Letuie*fe; n .trxo'.ee-n? .';u!-*i^s<' {i^HV- ernetfy. Actually ut' aimoU i^t ran o\ktr by a- motorcade* /araan0< I 1 ovi'vue* he&d* SotMht us opposed- to bog; roil ^chni^ue*. i hu--t v .y abioimtely oi'iiimut 10 oi'Lhc.m ux Sa.nU iirxi t*« the-\- nothing* better (Htm a%* e*a*ly meaning* etwtnee for a*re*p*ed*aUeid*off t*^\to-tf%%- night oar fr-cli-nitf. .ire o{ do, Whatcan/f buy hyoutlan^ciib? WJaUctv^d/ou^elvey awakeru*n$4the* M&nkefr. | ^tu'M the*^boyy %ack* %om*e* appo^ntvne^ttha*^:We*a*^* nc^,'dfter ^l*, alc^e*. | yome/ lu%uA/ aftef layti ntght ,rv T§Ju Tly^y aren't goinM- to appreciate* ,ny evolMvng* ':>:<<< hfcbxty

nd then, when you least expect it, life will to be back in Thailand, proper Thailand that is, want to get off the Island then they must earn throw something at you which puts such where I could put my fork in my mouth or touch the right to. Make them learn the list of DON'Ts y the time I land in Chiang Mai, bypassing Don't show affection to your partner in public. a left-hander. Of this I was constantly reminded A trivialities into perspective. 1 was, howev- my partner's foot and feel guilty about it. Where forfeiting any entitlement to leave until they do. Bangkok for fear of being tarred with the Don't imitate or in any way offend Buddha when during my formative years at SouthFields C of E B er, unprepared for the object in question being people would laugh at my abysmal attempts at The money would come pouring in, the baht Paedophile brush, I have my list of don'ts posing for your snapshots. County Primary School by the scourge of my life, the size of the Island of Ko Samui. a foreign language, where I wouldn't feel like I would once more return to the heady days committed to memory which is more than I can Don't eat with your left hand. one Mrs Hughes. This particular little old lady, a Having become used to being a minority, I had arrived in Blackpool in the high season and before the crash and the money could be used say about anything to do with the language, Don't put your fork in your mouth. cross between Aunt Flo and the child catcher arrived on the island to be confronted by mile it was then that I saw the light, a genius stroke, to supplement the income of the people in the except strangely enough the number 125. would delight in whipping the spoon out of my after mile of lardy white flesh with a lurid pink a master plan. Golden Triangle now being deprived the right to And a myriad others but you get the drift. hand during pudding, stand over me (her hot fetid thong up it's arse, bloated and stranded on the harvest the poppy seed, consequently forcing Don't touch a Thai on the head. Now as much as I tried to be a good traveller, the breath on my neck being the only thing stopping sand. This was the culture shock I hadn't been them into Chiang Mai to beg on the streets. Fait Don't point with your feet. last two on the list were my constant downfall and me from dissolving in a pool of chilled sweat), and Nationalise the whole fucking Island. warned about. Every don't on my list was being accomplis. Always dress conservatively when in public. not necessarily for the obvious reason. make me spoon custard with my right hand. The flaunted openly. My first meal came with a knife Don't wear black when invited to someone's Let me tell you about my childhood... consequence of course being that very little ever Treble the already trebled prices. Make the fat, Do that for me, no sod that, do it for you and I and an over-inflated bill, whilst the couple next house. got within a mile of my mouth. Maybe this flabby white puffy ignorant English, Germans, promise that in return I'll do the right handed to me sucked each others tonsils, she narrowly Don't point at all. I am and have always been the devil's child. I am explains 35 years of looking under-nourished. Australians, South Africans et al pay through the spoon thing. Even Mrs Hughes would smile at failing to stay in her bikini. I longed once again nose. Confiscate their passports and if they that one. gjl 22 X-RATED, HANDSOME SWOT 24 June 1998 Who is this Sexton character?

What kind of man is Edward. Thomas: Sexton, next year's Felix Editor? What are his plans and. aspirations?' And why is he balancing on a levitating Maltesers box? Jon Trout has a cosy chat with incoming'editor Sd Sexton

on ethics, embittorment$ caffeine and. floor pie.

dward Thomas Sexton, yWfeFelix editor cool. My predecessor said that to reciuit new -< i mini wo ! lighvem heBti " ^ next year, having beaten Alok Jha in the students he had to "drag r i, i - inlfvQid therh i'il i_y to il't'n again, every- hmmt election. In true journalistic style, tell me give them a caffeine addiction and train then 10 a bank i'i count is Investing ii oppres- how it feels.... become the cynical, embittered old fwu ks in.u l||jppft|e! even .in '.o-,ip fifoundoul hi journalism . i desperately nci ds Well n. other day. We have a policy of charging less tor Daunting, but I'm looking forward ill Hi'. the adu . . . . advertising for good causes, which I intend to earing a big chocolate cake. rc iiuiifd. And there aren't any vaults niiy rnoi, . Mbhoid.

Tell the readers about yourself... How is Feli* going to be produced nexc year? Whist is your opinion of the way that IC is run? Apparently I'm an arts sfudf|£ because I've just My end of things will be the same as always: More emphasis at IC seems to be given to keep done a degree in Biology. people write for their sub-editors who fill the ing In profit than othei universities, but that is a pages and ! make sure that everything keeps direct consequence of being tied so closely to Have you passed it? happening al the right time. For the first time in industry. On a related vein, students doing aca- Yes. several yea;',, felix will probably be printed out- I demic work at IC over the summer often don't side ICLI. This has advantages as well as draw- | get Hall rooms because they've been given over backs. It will be easier to do thiiigs like full : to the Conference Office, and I know that all the I am as <, - ', ,„i i -i colour but won't be as versatile and probably not rooms will not be used. Stttd^nfs' ueresrs eyps* of>iKs^^^^^^^^^ as reliable as Inky. Hopefully it should remain a should come first, thirty-something page newspaper with more .. iblii iiCioo! eh than a couple of pages of news. fngAyou change it?

"-'. 's:fly " : ' -:!'- < b\ h'j>hlighting any examples of such behaviour Tell me about the new office? .v*r the He*! year. This won't work on its own; Co on... I wish I could. It is going to be on one or other it is op to the students to put pressure on the I don't know anything more side of the Beit Quad arch, hopefully in what is know about computers, 18th i now the biology common room. Natural light phets and bitter. Are you intending on starting a student rebel

\> ;"< i f«C; t- .' ;. > : -.1 .gh. lion? Ideal Felix editor's material, men? No, but I woukl like to encouiage students to S'pose so. I have reai >-.-: odd fiewsi>:

!tlllllllill||l|S Ideally suited doi. How far are you prepared to goto protect edi : ,ie only things that really bother me are women What are your personal views on the following corial freedom? and when my cable TV Stops working. Oh and subjects? Starr with the legalisation of cannabis; : I won't accept pressure from the College oi death. That's quite impbrW||ifeV-> - '- I think that iheie is no medical argument that ! from rhe Union.; It#i«Sector or President don', cannabis should be illegal whilst alcohol arB like what Felix has to' sayvthey are mor^han Do you like Woody A0^,0 :. welcome to write* letter. As ioi^ as my writers No. remain within tt*. '^ubdf- of th'e'law, 1 will defend them. -" "mKSgm What has. '- >i.,- ' ' I' . -

Layout aff 3d news article. I've put in > ' 11 < < ' eve* ,. : < i.!<"!Whatu criticisms misfit peoph have of vou ne

: llliifepfc WU. I!<#i«f.' 1%.-iiVVjW^;„..' i Errrrrrrr. Ooooh god. I can see why people become drug dealers. I Will you continue printing Simon Baker's col- vant.... articles. And, um lots of giveaway prur thir.k that it is really difficult to supplement your things. Hopefully a greaK-i contrlbirflt'.-i from the gram in London and do well in your degree at Medical Colleges. WeV ift .someone rr> keep the same time. I think that Ic is a sad fact that i see. f know chat he-Is in the last year of his PhD. in contact with Chan,-,; AvtdT'n g«jng fc we're heading towards an American system of i and I'd rather have a good column from time to contact the new t < weeHf* ufifvera&y rtu 'gain education costs ^tm^^ffle^^OT^^^oron^^^ry week. We'll When it comes down to it. what you'll see next money, anc! save see. year depends on how many news writers, fea- money. What happened to "Education, tures etc etc we I< h 1 >>ew office in Education, Education"-' Do you like cake? Beit Quad, with J,.'-. t rid of !.-i,.' fiooi j. ie the'once a Felix h .;»./,. - if people just What about ethical advertising? Will vou do business with companies who invest in oppres- 24 June 1998 FEATURE 23 A Long Time Ago, in a University Far Far Away...

OR: HOW TO GET A SMALL AND INSIGNIFICANT THING DONE AT IC

az z-y.

D^t-.* Tu«, 12 M»y 199B 17:23:49+0100 »oa.- "Alek«ands

Hallo J«ir«iny

naeds to take ai look and coamant.

»> Best, wishes .>.>^> Igor Aleksander

> > Subjm ct . fla: fFwd: A2t«rnative prospactus wabaita] » Hate Tue, 22 May 1998 16:01:42 +0100 >> Prom: Fred Felix » » Dear Prof Aletsander, » Please find below my request to trie IC webmaster; for a » UnJc to trie nav Alternative Prospectus from the IC site. As yo\i can » see, /ias referred me to you for some reason. Could you criecat trie » new AP site, and give Tom permission to create the Xiruc? » » Thanks, » Jeremy Thomson

> Subject: RE: alternative prospectus website > Date: Hon, 11 May 1998 17:00:55 +0100 > From: "Weil, T.J." > > Dear Jeremy > Suggest you raise this one directly with the Pro-Rector for External > Relations (Prof Igor Aleksander) > > Cheers > Tom Subject: Alternative prospectus website Date: Mon, 11 May 1998 16:35:10 +0100 From: Fred Felix

Dear Web Master, For the first time in... ohhh seven years, IC now has an alternative prospectus. Not only that, but it's on-line at http://www.su.ic.ac.uk/ap/. Could you provide links to it from the main college pages? An obvious (if not very prominent) place would be the place in the college prospectus where the existence of the alternative prospectus is mentioned http: //www. prospectus .ic.ac. uk/ug/scripts/pagedisp. asp?dept=Li£ e-Vat* mperial&fn=icu. inc). Come to think of it, Felix is mentioned on the

same page - could you link that too? (http://wwri.su.ic.ac.'vak./^elix| Thanks, Jeremy Thomson. 24 FEATURE 24 June 1998 24 June 1998 FEATURE 25

system were found to be Mechanical From this point Wicky did a bit of Engineering, Chemistry (this is now covered by hairy acrobatics and managed to gain a the medical building) and at the base of the few more meters. Exploration went a Queens tower. The tunnel under Exhibition Road pace as we were able to put equip was found, which leads directly into the back of ment bought for the ****** expedition to good Southside bar as well as to a shaft to the roof of use - a bolting platform and the Bosch drill! We the halls. One excursion through chemistry hap had a few scares during these bolting sessions, pened to coincide with the burglar alarm at the but the only person who noticed our activities science museum going off and we were caught was the old tramp who lives down in the tunnels. by a snooping policeman as we were going in - We spoke a few words occasionally to him but some fast talking being necessary! generally just said hello. After about two years of It is late on a Tuesday night, - be looking at the toss *;;-. - occasional exploration trips we finally managed 'Witting casing time In Southside During a Last Night of the Proms filming ses to climb our way into the QT, rigging a perma Wt^&MB90a''tftr&& intrepi i explorers, sion at the Royal Albert Hall, Jism Wicky and nent Y-hang for future trips. The first person on jOlgftai Wicky, Sergaant M'arsa and M'arse managed to bullshit their way into the car future trips would always use a second dynamic ::::I^ty: Officer Jism (Names have baen park under the RAH. While Jism diverted the rope and the intermediate bolts with extenders changed to protect tha guilty) Bra Guards attention Wicky and M'arse took a look so they could check the rope in safety. On a later finalising thair plans for tha at a doorway at the back. It seemed to have that trip, Froggy took his full cave photography equip evening's assault. ?>ialr ale; to familiar smell of disused tunnels and would be ment and took some excellent photos of the scale tha Queen's Tower Extensions worth further explorations. shaft - before dropping his camera down it! of the Imperial Gave System to its But the most exciting lead of all was a 20 ! highest point - Sraan Boma Peak - metre shaft leading into what looked like a grat Assorted excursions continue, and a plan of 1'and: "leave a flag:;i|o stais- thair ing and then the lights of a room in Queen's the tunnels is gradually taking shape (below). iroom they arrived in was a sort of e laiin to the first, ascent Tha^: Tower. Looking at this, we realised that it wasn't There are many unknown leads still to investigate, disused, faliing-Bpartimuseum with ; ;; assault i3:«:s"3t ;isliSSiRlil^^ wlife thS and the continuous building work destroys and a number of 1960s pictures and possible to climb it, but with the help of a bolt graduation day celebrations for ing kit and a few etriers (miniture flexible lad reveals new passages all the time. Not just plans including pictures of the oli .he maximum exposure of t-ielr -.rutty Imperial College, but also the Natural History Imperial Institute and pictures of ders), it was possible to get to an intermediate andaavours. ;\) Onee1::"fie::::delif lad:::pi.ans Museum, the Albert Hall, the Post Office, the tha 'Colcott Tower' (The old name ledge about 4 metres up. The noise of the bolt coming from, no one seemed to care- no one ara finalised they make their way for the QT) ing hammer was clearly audible from the outside would have imagined what we were actually try London Underground and the Ministry of Defence iiito ::thalr s;toraroe«i:;;:;f or;;s«;i;f lntt||i ; : : t : ; of the tower, but as it wasn't clear where it was ing to do. all have tunnels on or next to the campus. :: : :: lily:: Prom: thi si:: small; rosja;;: la ads;. a::;yil aquiprnent :Inack.Sil^SSS:i'litis? ;iSHBICK. narrow ascending staircase into a Jlimbing equipment? 3KECK. series of disused rooms, and more , - sv iH,' i' = stairs until the first dome is mat. CHECK. Jolly Roger? CHSCK, OK Prom this vantage point lr. is pos- looks 11

he stories and myths of the tain members of the adventurous clubs around quad. labyrinth of tunnels under Imperial college listened to these tales. They made it Wicky and Friends were more interested in College are something that almost their aim to find out more, and over a period of the climbing potential around college, and over a every student of the College is a few years, exploratory trips have been made series of excursions managed to climb the front familiar with. Underground rivers, around the campus. of the union as well as the front of the RSM links with the Science Museum and At first it was necessity which lead M'arse, building. Working on a lab in the basement of with a nuclear bomb shelter in Hyde Park are T Jism and Goss who were living in ***** stores Mechanical Engineering, Jism and M'arse began common tales. There was even a rumour that by to a familiarity of the tunnels north of Prince to explore this area - they found that it is possi following a certain passage northwards, one Consort road. The need to get into the stores ble to access the main tunnels very easily from would eventually reach two Guards with machine when there was a function going on at the union the inside of Mechanical Engineering during the guns. The most far-fetched tale of all came from lead to the discovery of a tunnel leading under day, but even at night when the main door is Princes Gardens I a member of the Rugby Club who later became Prince Consort Road, conveniently reached by locked it is possible to get in via an obscure union President (and was therefore able to put climbing through a window into the stores itself. squeeze past a pipe. The tale of the river was his considerable skills of rhetoric to good use). Tuhnel deep under road A desire to attend the Freshers' Ball without pay cleared up when a large pipe spouting water into He claimed that somewhere in the tunnels was a ing led Goss on an obscure route through the an open tank was found. It did indeed sound like ! 100'ladders to roof, very large fan. This fan ran permanently except j penthouse & level 4 Biology Department to the roof of Beit, around a river from a distance. The source of this flow is for one hour a day when it was switched off to ' gents the roof and down North East stairs into the Ball not known, but is unlikely to be caused by the allow its bearings to cool- during this period it Felix does NOT advise anyone to attempt to 3. Pay attention to warning signs walking past the back of the security guard. combined toilet flush of the building! was possible to step through the fan and access Exploration of the course of the pipes lead to the explore the tunnels. 4. Be aware that you risk exposure to asbesos After a while the explorers started sharing a whole new series of tunnels. back of the S+G store room and a further set of If you insist, please note the following: 5. Take nothing away with you stories, and a few combined trips were under nasty crawling passages leading right around Beit 1. Do no damage 6. Don't blame us if anything goes wrong It was with more interest than most that cer taken. The most convenient entrances to the 2. Close all doors behind you 26 FEATURE 24 June 1998 24 June 1998 FEATURE

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iSf /

get into the executive areas; being invited by a car company is also a good idea. Here ish, when you get the full VIP treatment. we would have partaken in ..-.-..» --..-tfaSl^the post race festivities. What You also need to be keen. If you're not interested don't go. There (P^vve actually did was arrive after the is nothing at the track for non-racing fans so life would get very start, spent most of our time away from the dull, if you know what you're talking about it is quite easy to get a conversation going on the merits of carbon brakes etc. and leave before the finish. with another spectator, as the crowd is very friendly, and mostly British. combi- The reason is simple; watching the racing is fun, but only for about nation of all twenty minutes. Firstly you don't actually see much, after all the cars In short Le Mans is very cool, but can't really hold it's " that they think we average about 120 mph. Secondly the noise is incredible. When own for two days. It is definitely something that could possibly something like a McLaren, Panoz or Chrysler accelerate you have to should be done once, but is unlikely to become a Wwant. This is what protect your ears, even permanent fixture on your calendar. If you go enjoy their engineers dream of. if you are a hundred metres away. it, but don't hesitate to do something else if you . This, as far as they are concerned, is IT, the dogs bollocks. get bored. After all it is only a couple of hours to 'flip; MMHM I me peoplefc^S^^gr-'ioing it pro; 'ey had mat :. j^^^pss" Before I start And lets face it the Porsche 1998 91 1 GT1 is cool, its fast it cor- arrived early and staked a claim to a certain vantage-point. They had sips**"- this article it seems pru- ners, it costs £600,000, it doesn't dojgj|gj^u it has a 24- their chairs and sleeping bags. They had their thetmoses and sand- Oh and lot ihosi of you who are interested dent to get a couple of things clear. hour guarantee. It is, in short,^S^^^^ the road. But that is not wiches. In my opinion they were taking it all slightly too seriously. " sow the finishing order Firstly I am not a fan of cars. You could even the point. Because now wbe^.y for GTls was Porsche, Porsche, Nissan, say that I don't like them much. Secondly this article We didn't go specificaBy to see the racing, we only needed an McLaren. Ferrari won rht' prototypes. will contain some car worship. Sorry. first ape excuse to run away from London and Oxford for a while. The four ;;3MW both J Let me clarify the first point. 1 don't lite cars because there are* of US. all school friends, needed a break. We weren't even sure we too many of them. I don't see them as a good way < . spoil- But Hie road is not always rosy when you enter Le Mans, you could had the right weekend, and it was decided that if we had the wrong ing people. They are noisy, smelly, uncomfortable a have an absolute shocker. Mercedes entered two cars, both looked ''fegs/w^':^ tii ivar-nte Csfia. _p~

Average cars annoy me. They lack individuality,,ttl«y're. mass-pro- V : LvOD superb, both had just won the GT championship, both were broken ^'iSi^;i^it-'f.r:?"-V''i.:n 'MMSMMA oast ';i':>t\: 'Xr?[--;}g^ duced, they all look the same, they MHWInJlhti and out of the race after two hours. And there is nothing that can be excuse to get awayaasfk&^ch up on each othet. and what was going i^s^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^P#.'-^&--§o^^^i^si ow we et to the seconc : (k ^ S * P^lHt, Silly cars which I shall praise. :MM:g^i&^M- ... . .vK::'S^fe;:i:,,i>Ji |1 These are cars which are plain silly, either massively c This, in my opinion. Is the only way It should be done,.We came % ered, stupidly styled or offer a wealth of . u-i t --s.iry extras But it isn't Just car companies that encer. The ultimate show-offs are expecting nothing, we were grateful for whatever we got, and. we Take a Mercedes S Class. It does . eed a six litre engine, JjigttpMers. These people will go and buy a cat. tune it. pay dri- had no obligation to anyone. When we were .hun^.-we: went into it's stupidly large and it h.is I'oubie-glaztng, Every time 1 ven, enter the race, fix damaged pans and finance it ail from their town and ace, when we were tired we slept. There was no nagg see one I smile. own pockets. And If they're lucky they can come fourth, as one did feeling that we were not doing it right, true we were not m

But ijven that seemg you st-e Ferraris and Porsches. These really are unjusti- But enough aix>uuhecar%,*^ southwest To make the best of terVSans requires planning. You should get a pit

fiably powerful, and expensive. There Is no of Paris, where every yeeT« 24- hour race Is held for three categories f lane pass (tumour 'filsTit these are about $200). With one you can way you need one in South Kensington. And of car, from 3pm to 3pm, Saturday to Sunday. The aim is to com- wander around the pits and chat to the mechanics, you can watch that is exactly why they are so good. They piete as many laps as,pO$$)kie in..24 hrs. The course is part road. the change overs being done. As Le Mans is much more relaxed in are one of the few remaining things chat part dedicated trac"1k "'"ari' d is about six miles fong. A lap takes about '^(iMflSfs that Fl you can get a really good view of the teams at work. can be acceptably shown off in public. two minutes But where do car manufacture** go to You also want to come with a large group so that you can stake out show off? The answer is uiJJiJHfe put what is it like for spectators? The answer in short is tacky, very an area of grass in the car parks for yourselves and guard it fiercely. tacky. On the track no expense has been spared, off it no expense Parking is ample but the number of cars which the spectators come A Le Mans Porsche is to a road has been spent. The car parks are fields, the paths are dirt, the loos in is simply incredible, we're talking as far as the eye can see. Hence Porsche what a road Porsche is to a are unbearable and the catering make them essential. I must admit any good spaces near the track are in real demand and some silly shopping trolley, with a missing that we did parking goes on. wheel. This is Porsche offering not "do" Le Mans properly as such. to the masses their ultimate You also need to be prepared to feel like shit on the second driving machine. This is To do that we would have had to get up at five, drive through France day as there are almost no facilities for washing, and as their very best. This like the clappers, see the start and mentioned the loos are to be is the not leave the track-side until avoided. The ideal thing is the fin- 28 MUSIC 24 June 1998

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN VOU ARE ABOUT TO BE SPIRITUALIZED... r Four people with a thousand ideas cramming their albums. nltefy^we^WWfgisi^pve all else, original. Songwriter talk about |esus and there are others that deal frankly with drugs. There [ guitarist Jason Pierce (occasionally caflllllj* are songs that cry from their hearts and others that stamp all over you mood takes him) is the main force behind tnt-nBfmd and the story of Spiritualized starts with hisjioniper band. Spacemen "! frys was a band |hjftikedyj^ changes overlaying the mix. Jiiitliy^ Chain or (Vfj .Bloody flffetatine era but Pierce liked to show hi?ll||^jbMtejjKes throu^hls musife at thatf^ime. Therefore ii Inl, 11w*' *iiTTTii;l*^^^WPWTl%^jj Undergroarff artists you can recognise. If you know the work of Otis Redding. Dr |ohn and Suicide fill the^burasjptCmeir drone-like loojrs 1 ses. Wher§jtpr even Elvis, then you will get something out of the music, if the descrip- he fcurwed Suy||MtJ^ be / band woA4SJpWiratill the gaps^tweWvM^l^lEi irv Mating rhusic/that slunded like f E*cSr*fhfe^lr i/ould be#e tic - ?«; ;

s Wojlf ,,.11, Si;:';; : ;!::, h fnltlfjjmSf which titter

r)t|^n^^Hthy to haTs| Lor |ust Kate Radley or |ust Sean Cook or Just Damon > - once. the band is their. M sections that actually made a difference to the sound as opposed to being merely cosmetic. M..!.' ye at son is the play ing virtually every festi- val this sur mer. Even ofyou lon't end up likin the riS^ic, you'l still Abe astounded. Alok 24 June 1998 MUSIC 29

WELCOME TO THE HUMAN EMBRACE

Arrogant, brilliant, over-rated, best debut since The Stone Roses, a cynical attempt to occupy the middle ground created by Oasis and The Verve. Embrace's album has caused quite a stir amongst fans of music. We let Dennis and Ed tell us what they think.... EMBRACE The Good Will Out

aught in a wave of prema- to start making decisions about ture adulation, Embrace how they feel while Danny adds C some persuasive advice, 'Lose all look to be set up for quite a confrontation with the most fickle your fears. They're keeping you of corporations known to man: down. You won't have to fake it You, the British public. With all the while I'm around. All you good surrounding hype, Embrace will good people, listen to me.' Did stand or fall on their debut, which somebody say epic? There must has already drawn comparison with have been a 'Big Chorus' switch in The Stone Roses and Definitely the recording studio that's been Maybe. This may come across as a wedged down with copies of vari- bit harsh on their career should ous music press publications. My they fall short of the mark but it's Weakness Is None Of Your the McNamaras and Co. that have Business, Come Back To What You engineered this coming together. Know and One Big Family. They all 'Group hug, anyone?' Danny's already admitted that he resonate with anthemic grandeur. boasted before recording the It's all a bit personal, as well. then why aren't you living?' (1 Want that they can't pull them off, it's album that it was going to be fan- Lyrically, you can spot their ideas The World), 'The view's too good just that other bands that begin tastically good in order to push and beliefs very quickly. The line, to jump. Now let me talk you with the letter O would probably be himself to make sure that it was. "The good will come out," features down.' (You've Got To Say Yes) and able to be more fierce about it. And it is. in three different songs. "Don't the triumphant, 'It's the way I feel!' However, this is splitting hairs. This Truly, it is. You're greeted with wanna let you down," (My (The Last Cas) is a shamelessly optimistic album forty-odd seconds of orchestral Weakness Is...) and "I'll never let The Good Will Out is a touch- that is both musically grand and tuning, gradually rising in volume. you down," (Come Back To... and ing album crammed with at least lyrically beautiful. Journalists, cast There's some indistinguishable Fireworks) demonstrate their com- seven or eight pure gems of which aside your cool attitudes. Cynics, chatter, a rattle of kettle drums and mitment to not disappointing peo- Retread, Higher Sights and That's open your hearts. Fellow people, the now familiar All You Good Good ple. As well as the vulnerable side, All Changed Forever are probably open your ears. Embrace Embrace People bursts its way out of the there's also the constant reminder the best. The only lulls on the emo- and rejoice! EJ speakers and into your ears. It's that we're here to make the most tional plane come ironically in the Dennis here where a lot of people will have and best of things: 'If you're alive, more hedonistic numbers. It's not

LOST IN MUSICAL DISGRACE

somewhere, so why not bon copy of AYGCP (re-worked EMBRACE Huddersfield? Anyway, on to the again for the album; still rubbish) music. or, like One Big Family, a bit more The Gods Will Shout No Stars Embrace re-worked All You shouty. Hearing one Embrace song Good Good People last Christmas is bad enough, but being subjected few points before I listen to ter than that' variety could be heard with overblown orchestral to a monotonous album-full is the album. Apparently, 1997 emanating from my mouth. So enhancements. In cliched style, the painful. Embrace's grandiose style A began my ill-fated relationship with song starts softly and gradually has gained them comparisons to was a great year for British music. The Verve and Radiohead Embrace, it seems strange that so builds to a climax near the end, Oasis, but in truth they share more finally hit the big time, The Prodigy many people are not only con- then finishing all quiet and sub- with Shed Seven (both musically and Oasis went supernova and vinced that Danny McNamara isn't dued. It received a totally unde- and vocally). When Embrace are Radio 1 told us about exciting new tone deaf but is actually a fantastic served Top 10 hit. And why mess called upon to produce a follow-up bands such as Mansun, Hurricane singer. He claims that, 'I could sing with a winning formula? Recent sin- album, the world will finally realise #1 but mostly Embrace. Over 12 like Gary Barlow if 1 wanted to' (by gle Come Back To What You Know how pathetic the group are - a pub months ago Steve Lamacq called which he means in tune) opting follows exactly the same path (the band trying to take on the world. them "The greatest find of the instead for a voice that, you know, vocals are a bit better: he's still Their songs lack any true feeling; a year." I assumed he must have means it. Listen, Danny, thousands tone deaf but at least his cold has fault that they have tried to make been taking the piss when he of people 'mean it' when they sing gone) as, in fact, does the whole of up for by dropping syrupy strings played a demo of All You Good in Karaoke bars, but it counts for their new album. Debut albums are everywhere. But strings are no sub- Good People, for what followed nothing if you can't hit the notes. first attempts to show the world stitute for emotion. Save your was a load of distorted guitars The album cover shows Embrace in what you're about. They shouldn't money people and listen to some underneath a tone deaf singer with typical self-loving fashion: their take 15 months to record (lack of debuts that you already know are a cold. When it emerged that Mr. high-held heads shadowed as they ideas, lads?) and should show at of established quality. 0 Evening Session was being sincere, hold back the force of the sunshine. least a bit of variety. The problem is Ed comments of the 'I could sing bet- I mean, God's gotta come from that every song is either a near car- 1 30 MUSIC 24th June 1998 24th June 1998 MUSIC 31

FESTIVAL MADNESS IS UPON US ALL - ESE PAGES THAT WON'T BE APPEARING IN ANY OF THESE FESTIVALS (WELL, NOT TOGETHER ANYWAY)! Glastonbury T in the Park Reading Miscellaneous 26,27,28 June II & 12 July August 28,29,30 All the time... Kenickie, Catherine Wheel, Carrie Saturday II Campag Velocet, The Dandys Friday 28 Campag Velocet, Snug Womad Pulp in the Dance Tent -Plastikman, Lo-Fidelity Sunday 12 Dr Martens Stage - Alabama 3, Allstars, Adam F, Deejay Punk-Roc, Dawn of the Replicants, Sleater- July 24,25,26 Spring Heel Jack Main Stage - Pulp, Beastie Boys, Kinney, Elecric Sound of Joy Park Garbage, Finley Quaye, James, Rivermead Centre-TBC Rivermead, Richfield Avenue, Jazz World Stage - Roni Stereophonies, Chumbawumba Reading, Berks July 25 Slze/Reprazent, The Roots, Zoot Full Cycle Tent - Full line up of DJs Third Stage-Cornershop, The Jesus NME Tent -Portishead, lan Brown, TBC Friday - Pandit Shiv Kumar Sharma, Finsbury Park, North London &. Mary Chain, Gomez, Drugstore, Natalie lmbruglia, Bernard Butler, Ananda Shankar, Te Vaka, Istanbul Theaudience, Sunhouse, Idlewild Asian Dub Foundation, Scott 4 Sunday 30 Oriental Ensemble Main Stage - The Prodigy, Main Stage - Page 8>. Plant, Ash Acoustic Stage -Taj Mahal, Nick Seahorses, Robbie Williams, Space, SLAM Musik Tent -A Tribe Called Mansun, The Deftones, The Afghan Saturday - Cornershop, Ladysmith Main Stage -Primal Scream, James, Lowe, The Montrose Avenue, Catatonia, James Taylor Quest, Propellerheads, Monkey Whigd, Symposium, Rocket From Black Mambazo, Abdullah Ibrahim Foo Fighters, Lightning Seeds, World Party Mafia The Crypt, Monster Magnet Trio Finley Quaye, Beth Orton, My Life NME Tent - Spiritualized, Story Sunday 28 Audioweb, Ultrasound, Rialto, Radio One Evening Session Stage - Melody Maker Stage - Super Furry Sunday-FIaco Jiminez, Faithless, Theaudience, The Young Offenders Fat Boy Slim, Cornershop, Animals, Mogwai, Kenickie, 60ft Paco Pena Flamenco Company, The Other Stage - EMBRACE, Super Unbelievable Truth, Money Mark, Dolls, Arab Strap, The Delgados, Celtus Furry Animals, The Warm Jets, SLAM Musik Tent - Darren 60ft Dolls, Gomez, Carrie, Regular Soundtrack of our Lives Ultrasound, Rocket From The Emerson (from Underworld), Fries Booking lnformation-01 18 939 Crypt, Rialto, The Supernaturals, Plastikman, DJ Harri, DJ Q Dr Martens Stage -Gomez, Scott 4, 0930. 01225 744 494. Day Matchbox 20, The Montrose Booking Information-0141 339 Formula One, Sunhouse, Kerb Main Stage - Garbage, The Tickets: Fri-£17, Sat-£27:50, Sun Avenue, The Young Offenders <3b | Radio One Evening Session Stage. 8383. 0141 2875511. Day Tickets Bluetones, Shed Seven, The Divine £27:50. Weekend with camp Pulp, Bernard Butler, Catatonia, Bentley Rhythm Ace, Lo Fidelity £29:50. Weekend Tickets £54. Comedy, Gene, Monaco, ing: £58. Bentley Rhythm Ace Dance Tent -The Chemical Allstars, Warm Jets, Arab Strap, The Camping Tickets £7:50 per person. Audioweb Brothers, Moby, Fat Boy Slim, Luke Montrose Avenue, Idlewild, Booking Information: 0541 500 Slater, Monkey Mafia, Fluke Melody Maker Stage Party in the 044. 0171 344 0044. £23. Spiritualized, Ultrasound, Curve, Jazz World Stage -Portishead, Death in Vegas, Smash Mouth, Cornershop, Faithless, Bim V98 Dust Junkys, Six by Seven, The Park 34th Charles Sherman, President Bongo Main Stage -Pulp, Joe Strummer DJ Interpreters set, Nick Cave &. The Bad Seeds, julyS Stage Three - Ian Brown, Asian Dub Sonic Youth, Bob Dylan, Tony 22 & 23 August Dr Martens Stage -Fu Manchu, The Wells Foundation, Unbelievable Truth, Bennett, Space, Glastonbury Town Rivermead Centre -TBC Pecadiloes, Mover, Satellite Beach, Hyde Park Dawn of the Replicants, Six by Band LEEDS CHELMSFORD Huckleberry Seven Vans Warped Tours Skate punk Cambridge Folk Other Stage -Spiritualized, Bernard Saturday 22 Saturday 22 bands TBC Rivermead Centre -TBC Acoustic Stage - Squeeze, The Butler, Bentley Rhythm Ace, Australian Pink Floyd, Rolf Harris Audioweb, Alabama 3, Mighty Main Stage. The Verve, Seahorses, Main Stage The Charlatans, Texas, Big Beat Boutique Live Acts and Festival Mighty Bosstones, Feeder, Dust Green Day Lightning Seeds, Iggy Robbie Williams, Space, James, Saturday 29 DJs TBC Junkys, Family of Free Love, Senser Pop, Chumbawumba, Marion, Stereophonies, Feeder, Rialto, July 31, August I & 2 Whale, The Young Offenders Headswim Main Stage - Beastie Boys, Booking Information: 0541 500 Dance Tent - Mad Professor, Roni NME Stage-Underworld, The Jesus NME Stage. Fun Lovin' Criminals, Supergrass, Foo Fighters, Echo &. 044. 0171 344 0044. 0181 963 Cherry Hinton Hall Ground Size 8. MC Dynamite, Freestylers, &. Mary Chain, Catatonia, St Ian Brown, PJ Harvey, Morcheeba, The Bunnymen, Asian Dub 0940. Day ticket: £30. Weekend Les Rhythms Digitales, Dub Pistols Etienne, Lo Fidelity Allstars, Republica, The Dandy Warhols, Foundation Ticket: £75 Gomez, The Montrose Avenue, Theaudience, Heather Nova Jazz World Stage - Tricky, Herbie Midget Dance Tent_TBA Melody Maker Stage -Travis, Hancock's Headhunters, Hiroki Dance TentTBA Bentley Rhythm Ace, Warm Jets, Okanu Tenkoo Orchestra Sunday 23 Unbelievable Truth, Idlewild, Sunday 23 Third Stage -The Divine Comedy, Main Stage. The Verve.Seahorses, The Aloof, Earl Brutus, Boom Boom Main Stage-The Charlatans, Texas, Green Day Lightning Seeds, Iggy Satellites, Superstar, Magoo, Robbie Williams, Space, James, Pop, Chumbawumba, Marion, Phoenix Coade Stereophonies, Feeder, Rialto, Whale, The Young Offenders Saturday 27 Headswim NME Stage. Underworld, The Jesus Acoustic Stage - Julian Cope, NME Stage-Fun Levin' Criminals, &. Mary Chain, Catatonia, St Friday -Levellers, Eddi Reader and Main Stage -Blur, Tricky, Robbie Babybird, Eddi Reader, Babybird lan Brown, PJ Harvey, Morcheeba, Etienne, Lo Fidelity Allstars, others. Williams, Stereophonies, Tori Republica, The Dandy Warhols, Gomez, The Montrose Avenue, This one's been cancelled for one All Saints, Lightning Seeds, Amos, Hothouse Flowers, Booking Information: 0839 668 Theaudience, Heather Nova Midget reason or another, if you have a Boyzone, James, Kula Shaker, Saturday-Taj Mahal, Nick Lowe Meredith Brooks, Jools Holland 899 (You must be joking by this Dance Tent-JBA Dance Tent-JBA ticket, then you can either get a Natalie Imbruglia, Simple Minds and others. time!) Leeds Booking Information: 0113 Chelmsford Booking Information: Reading ticket in exchange or a full Other Stage -Underworld, Placebo, 244 4600. 0115 912 9198. Day 0171 287 0932. 0171 344 4444. refund. Call the above numbetr for Booking Information: 0171 420 Sunday-The Blues Band, Kathy Deftones, Catatonia, Ben Folds Tickets £30. Weekend Tickets £55. Day Tickets £30. Weekend Tickets more info. Anyway, here's a pic of 0958. 0171 420 1000. £15. Mattea and others. Five, St. Etienne, Monaco, Marion, Camping £9. £55. Camping £11. lan Brown to help ease the sorrow. 32 MUSIC 24 June 1998

SMASHING PUMPKINS

Adore ****'/2

t's been a long two years since keyboard player from a heroin Ava Adore and the darkly brilliant the Pumpkins released their last overdose. I personally feel that it is Pug being the best examples. I album, Mellon Collie and the just the band exploring another Unfortunately, in searching for Infinite Sadness, and I have been facet of their musical genius. On a a new sound or as they put it, waiting with bated breath for Adore recent TV interview the band had exposing their core, the band has to hit the streets. The 'Pumpkins said that they felt that all of their lost some of the magic gained by haven't really been up to much work since the release of Cish, their the use of a hugely distorted guitar since Mellon Collie, only releasing first album, had been forced to stay sound and monumental overdub- the mediocre The End is the in the same vein by their record bing of up to 40 separate record- Beginning is the End for the Batman label executives. Billy feels that the ings of slightly different guitar riffs soundtrack. The band was comis- band has an essentially orchestral on the same track. Despite this, sioned to do the complete sound- core and they certainly explored the album is amazing if not quite track, but at the last minute their this in the album. Gone is the up to the standard of Siamese contibutions were tossed aside bleeding sore of hate and anger Dream and Mellon Collie and you leaving only the aforementioned that earmarked most of Mellon don't have to listen to any of James single. Billy Corgan, the lead Collie and certainly all of the sec- lha's songs either, which is a singer, on the other hand, has been ond CD, Starlight to Twilight. What bonus. I thoroughly recommend fairly busy by himself composing has emerged is an album which is this album to anyone who is for the Ransom soundtrack, and much more mellow, even if it is a already a 'Pumpkins fan, or who James lha has released a solo bit introspective and gloomy. It has just likes a bit of something slightly album of what sounded like light a rich variety of pianos, strings and heavier than awful commercial country music and I advise people a whole variety of instruments usu- rock. Just as something to push to steer clear of it. ally associated with the Royal the frontiers of music a seventeen 'Pumpkins in the house! Well, just Albert Hall rather than the mental second track is included, imagina- Adore is a complete change in outside, actually. mosh pits of 'Pumpkins' gigs. tively titled 17, at the end of the tack for the sound of the What they have also made use of album. Billy and the band give the 'Pumpkins. This has been are drum loops giving some of the execs, the birdie. EI attibuted, by many critics, to Billy's tracks a distinctly dance-y feel, mother dying, his marriage break- Simon which works surprisingly well with ing up, the dismissal of the band's Appels and Oranjes, the excellent drummer and the death of their

SLAYER MELYS

i Diabolus in Musica Rumours and Curses /2

ometime, somewhere in my sign in my head. 1 must admit elys are a new four piece standard. Diwifir, a haunting past, 1 drank bottles of 20- Richard and Judy were on the telly M band from Wales, who melody sung in a mixture of Welsh S 20, got pissed off at anything but the sound was turned down so have been signed to the and English, is a track that will get and anyone and always, without their effect was minimal. No, it was same label as Gorky's Zygotic stuck in your head for days, while fail, believed that I was right about definitely the monotonic nature of Mynci. They mix simple melodies Lemming combines sleigh-bells everything. 1 also listened to Slayer that was responsible for my with gentle St Ettiene style synth and electro-twangs with wonder- Anthrax, Megadeth and Slayer. mind being numbed. Song titles beats and borrow some experi- fully psychotic lyrics. My favourite Now, I'm quite partial to a pint of like Stain of Mind, Death's Head, mental keyboard work from tracks on the album have to be the Caffrey's, get pissed of at slightly Screaming From the Sky, In The Stereolab to create a unique mel- beautiful acoustic When You Put less stuff and always, without fail, Name of Cod and Perversions of low electro-folk sound. The music Leonard Cohen On telling the sad believe that I'm right about every- Pain are all good indications of the is built around the delicate voice of tale of a couple drifting apart and thing. I do not, however, listen to sort of sound you're likely to let Angela Parker, whose angelic the final track Matryoshka which the aforementioned bands any- your eardrums be battered with. vocals conceal dark and often dis- adds the Llanrwst Male Voice Choir more. Possession of an acoustic To get a balanced opinion, 1 turbing lyrics. '1 want to kill him, to a vast electronic ocean of swish- guitar has thrown me into more of decided to ask some friends, gouge out his eyes, write my name es, buzzing, echoes and distortion. a Bob Dylan/Embrace/ Bernard acquaintances and strangers what across his face, with Stanley Rumours and Curses is a promising Butler category. Maybe I'm wrong. they thought of the Slayer sound. knife...' is just part of the seething debut album and I would recom- Maybe 1 should have never What follows is a collection of their plan of revenge outlined in Acid mend it to anyone disillusioned changed the way 1 listen. Perhaps responses: fuckin' terrible, horrible, Queen. Accompaniment is provid- with the same old guitar bands. this Slayer album will pull me back the masters, grotesque, disgusting, ed by synthesisers, guitar, and a Buy it now and be,smug when they into the clutches of heavy/ fuckin' gods, 1 feel sick, fantastic multitude of strange electronic appear on Jools Holland.El thrash/speed/death or whatever and head-splittingly splendid. effects, which are fused into sim- type of metal Slayer fall into nowa- Slayer seem to have a knack of ple rhythms and melodies that per- Phil days. Something tells me though polarising camps so it really is your fectly complement the fragile that this is unlikely to happen. decision to make. I made mine vocals. Listening to the screaming, early on in the album but gave It is unfortunate that Melys do shouting and seven thousand notes them one star for old times' not really fit in with the current a second soloing, I could feel my sake. EJ musical fashions and will probably senses dulling while my creative Dennis not get much airplay, as the tracks thoughts scrambled for the exit on the album are of a very high 24 June 1998 MUSIC 33

ALBUMS ETHER GARBAGE Strange ** Version 2.0 ***

hy fix what ain't broke? That's certainly the Wethic that Garbage have employed with this album. With their last offering, Garbage gave the world an interesting new band format that produced some memorable classics like Milk and Queer. Three 'old' producers and one "young' vocal talent that brought the whole sleazy sound together brilliantly. Samples and loops littered the record and the band lent themselves very well to re-mixes that, quite often, surpassed the originals. And that's the same with Version 2.0. Again, sam ples and loops cut through the heavy guitars but only he Bootfreaks have returned Push It reclaims the glories of the past. The rest of the T repackaged and with one album is good, but tends to merge into one in the extra, as Ether. Originally search for something new and different. It's no dirge, intended to be a boy band, they but it does get a bit tiring listening to Shirley's voice have gone indie, with the quirkiest rasping through more effects than you could possibly lead singers (Rory Meredith winner imagine. A couple of simpler tracks that didn't rely so of the John Lennon Song writing much on electronics would have provided a great con Scholarship) around. To coincide trast to the rest of the album. More than anything, it with the launch of their album, they would outline more of their talent. have also released the single Best But instead of complaining, join me in welcoming Friend, what the band considered back the innovators of the goth/dance/indie/rock 1 to be their crossover hit, to do what sound. Alok. Alright did for Supergrass. This is a very untypical song from the album the World could be described as a and promotes a stereotype that sort of mix between our very own TOM WAITS isn't true in the least. Kenickie and the All-American She Could Fly, in contrast, man female trio, Sleater-Kinney. Not as Beautiful Maladies ages to hit the balance of pop and glossy and professionally produced near rock. The band somehow as Kenickie but not quite as rough his enormous compilation of man is king". manage to create a completely full and emotionally raw as Sleater- T twenty two tracks has been Musically, there's more than a sound with only a three piece fol Kinney. This could probably be put released under the subtitle hint of Beefheart experimentalism lowed by a Ben Folds Five-style down to the fact that they're not "the Island years", something of a at work, and Waits is at his best piano rhythm and an Elvis Costello singing in their native tongue for a boast from the record company when perverting blues and jazz, voice. After such a strong opening portion of the time. It's a shame which has allowed Waits to pro such as on the strangled Billie track, the rest of the album is really, as the German language is duce some of his most strange and Holliday moan of Temptation. He is pushed to deliver but only / Love probably well suited to punk with twisted material to date. Tom just as convincing when he Her Anyway comes close as an its pronunciation of harsh conso Waits is a prolific artist, who has acknowledges the roots of his anti-climaxing love song. nants. experimented with a wide variety of music in the old blues standard, The first album may be more of Saying this, there are several musical styles from swamp blues to Jesus Gonna Be Here, a morbid a lesson to them than a maker or tracks with German titles and a Rio samba, touching all of them anticipation of the final Judgement breaker. A few singles that only couple sung in the Deutsche lingo. with his unmistakable (and pretty trump. Similarly, his love for shit- your die hard fans can't launch an There's OK Vollgas, where the cho disturbing) presence. It's clear from kicking folk music is clear in / Don't album and neither can one song rus consists of one person just say the subject matter of these songs Wanna Crow Old and Cold Cold that has been written in an attempt ing 'OK in a quirky German accent that Nick Cave owes Waits a huge Ground, both of which could be to tap into the feel of the charts. and another screaming 'Vollgas'. debt, as they deliver a succession from the Shane MacGowan canon. They are, however, the fullest Apparently, it's the equivalent of of pimps, murderers, messianic But I have to give special mention sounding three piece around and if saying, 'Hit the gas.' or 'Floor it.' saviours and whiskey priests. Most to Frank's Wild Years, an old they can exploit this, there's noth And they admirably do stick their striking, however, is the voice. 80- favourite riddled with black ing to stop them. engine into overdrive on this track a- day rough with a Southern drawl, humour. Waits plays the lounge bar David and on Hallo Franzi and So'n he still manages to contort his vocal sot, telling how his good friend Scheiss which roughly translates to chords in displays of cunning mim Frank 'Settled down out in the val 'So Shit!' Others worthy of mention icry. On The Black Rider, he's the ley I Hung his wild years on the nail POP TARTS are Buro and Kindheit Jugend Sex, spit of Marlene Deitrich groaning he drove through his wife's fore Office and Childhood Youthful Sex away in a smoky Berlin nightclub to head She was a spent piece of Woman is the Fuehrer of respectively. Basically what you've a theme lifted directly from The used jet-trash, made good Bloody got here is ten short, catchy and Flintstones ('We'll have a gay old Marys, kept her mouth shut most the World noisy songs. It's not really offensive time'). Later he's King Louis from of the time, had a little Chihuahua and it isn't going to start a series of The Jungle Book singing about a named Carlos that had some kinda stop-over in the most dangerous he Germans. They're famous riots in the German capital. skin disease and was totally blind port in the world, 'Singapore'. I can for efficiency. Frankfurters, However, it is a nice little snack .... they were so happy. Frank's T that you can eat between major smell the salt, the wet ropes and story alone is sufficient reason to penalty shoot-outs, their rotting meat as he tells us ' The cap sense of (ahem) humour and pop punk releases without spoiling kill yourself getting a copy of this tain is a one-armed dwarf! He's poppy little lo-fi punk outfits. OK, your appetite. E3 Dennis. album, but if you ask real nice, Tom throwing dice along the wharf! In maybe not but that's what the Pop may well do it for you. H the land of the blind the one-eyed Tarts are. Woman is the Fuehrer of Norm 34 MUSIC 24 June 1998

ALBUMS

IMOGEN BRAN VAN 3000 DEEP PURPLE HEAP Glee Abandon No Stars

Megaphone his Canadian born gathering just give up. Drinking in LA pulls ool, the rock gods are back' is State Side in every way. the listener back in, with its easy C I thought when I was hand- T ed this CD. Having misspent he sings like Tori Amos on a They have the narration's and listening rap and strong chorus line. bad day. She writes her own mixing of the Beastie Boys, com- It clearly stands out on the albums many hours of my youth moshing S bined with the sampling and many being one of the only radio-friendly away to such gems as My Woman songs, and she's younger than me. If she was a bit better, short tracks style of Beck. songs. from Tokyo I was really curious she'd be fantastic. As it is, her Bran Van 3000 is the brainchild The rest of the album lurches about this new album. Three tracks angst ridden songs are just irritat- of Jamie Di Salvio, a DJ, re-mixer between rap, reggae, rock, pop, and quarter of an hour later, I had ing. Some of the lyrics are great (/ and video director. He gathered dance and indie and is difficult to to switch off. This album is arse. Ifs am your whore/without a 20 Montreal musicians, producers, get into. Bran Van 3000 obviously glam rock at its most pathetic, the name/you took me in again), but singers and rappers together and have the talent to be a good band, vocals sad/comic, the riffs seeming- most of the songs on this album just started recording. Since then but in an attempt to combine con- ly random. Richie Blackmore's are fairly poor. Don't waste your the 'band' has gone on tour with six trasting sounds, they have cut up replacement Steve Morse who has, cash on it, buy the new Tori Amos singers and as you've probably and over-produced their songs to otherwise, done some decent stuff album instead if you really need an guessed the result is an album full much. You get the feeling that they is insufferably dull and Jon Lord's injection of angst ridden female of many flavours. haven't fully thought out what fits new Hammond needs many more miles of touring before it regains its vocals. Alternatively, you could It isn't until the third song, their with what else . If you are interest- former glories. Unfortunately this come and listen to me whinging single Drinking In LA that the tracks ed in sampling or just experiment- would also do him in. There's noth- about my problems. It'll only cost have any individuality. The first two ing with music, however, then C/ee ing new or interesting here even for you a fiver. EI just jump from sample to sample, will give you plenty ideas to play a die-hard soft rocker caught in a Julia and if the Drinking In LA didn't with. David 1985 time warp. El Antoine come along most listeners would

SINGLES

Black Box Recorder -England Made Me Velocette - Spoiled Children based dance. GAB are crazy live, produce scary Dark lyrics of the Beth Gibbons variety in an alto- Very similar to early St. Etienne but with a hard- music that sounds a little like Rage Against the gether Portishead sort of song. Possibly jumping er edge, this lushly harmonised song is quite Machine, and are certainly not mainstream. But on the World Cup/Cool Britannia bandwagon. endearing. A lay back and chill in the sun song. that's not necessarily a bad thing at all.

Wamdue Project - King Of My Castle Ed Propellerheads - Bang Onl Easy trance beats behind the watery vocal "Must A manic electro-laced race through a computer be a reason why I'm king of my castle" makes Chumbawamba - Top of the World generated landscape on coke and speed, with this a pleasing, if slightly bland, single. Oh my God I hate Chumbawamba and this is as the occasional guitar solo breather. Mad com- bad as it gets, a world cup song that has been pletely mad. The excellent B-side, Velvet Pants Bernard Butler - A Change of Heart linked to the Spanish team due to the OLE's in (Spare Pair Mix) is far more groovy I guess, a Bernie's new song is exactly halfway between it! So this is one you should go no where near. tune that's definitely of the jazzy cigarette vari- his previous singles Stay and Not Alone. Prone I wish Chumbawamba were on top of the world, ety! to adding those cheesy air-guitar bits from Bill & literally. Ted, I doubt this will add to the sizeable credit he's been building up this year. THE ESSENTIAL CHOON v.

Space - Begin Again Beastie Boys - Intergalactic While Space's previous songs have all had a cer- After four years away the Beasties are finally tain charm lying behind their quirky exterior, this back with their amazing new space aged single. "Phoney Valentino" attempt is just plain annoy- It's typical Beastie's rapping with the much ing. envogue electro speech being used for the cho- Lodger - Always Round Here rus as well as an addictive Rachmaninoff loop in the background. Simply brilliant!!

Del Amitri - Don't Come Home Too Soon Another World Cup song but at least this one is for Scotland. Del Amitri sing a moving ode to Scottish football misfortune that isn't too bad at all. Certainly not rousing, one for the boys to cry along to when Scotland come back home in a few weeks.

Electrasy - Lost in Space Superior - Being You Electrasy are going to be big allegedly. They A well produced, carefully thought out tune that The follow-up to their tremendous debut I'm appeared on TFI Friday a weeks ago and didn't is well sung by the female vocalist. Kind of an Leaving shows co-singer Pearl Lowe being a bit particularly impress and neither does this single. intelligent, melancholic indie track that is remi- too Bjork-ish. The song's still great though, A bog standard indie/pop song with no real niscent of the Levellers but definitely not as showing signs of a certain band's influence: imagination or particular style. cheesy. The B-sides are good too with a mini- Danny Supergrass is Pearl's husband and co- malistic 80's feel to them. May be a band to songwriter. Girls Against Boys - Park Avenue watch out for. A single that certainly is heavy American guitar Ramzi. 24 June 1998 MUSIC

IF ITS MOT IOVE, THEN ITS THA BOMB THAT'LL BRING US TOGETHER!

| Welcome to the final Bomb of this term! First up the regular hip hop tracks, combining old skool Jermaine Dupri - Life in 1472 (21/7) | is some news on Tupac...Orlando Anderson, the flavour with the new skool. The only bad thing I Cam'ron - Confessions of Fire 21/7 I suspected killer of Tupac, has himself been find is that it is too short! Clocking in at just Eat Joe - Don Cartagena 21/7 I killed in an altercation at a car wash. Apparently under 40 minutes, you better make sure you like MC Lyte - 7 & 7 (28/7) I he owed some guy money and they got into a it. E-40 - Element of Surprise 28/7 I fight and guns were pulled. Tupac's mother, Brandy has a new album out now, and the Snoop - Da Came is to be Sold... (4/8) Afeni, plans to release an album of tribute songs song with Monica, the Boy is Mine, is huge ! It Lauryn Hill - The A/Useducation of... (18/8) on Amaru Records. It is rumoured to be remakes reached number two in the charts over here and of Tupac songs by many different artists, and is number one in the US. The album is supposed Also expect albums from Canibus, Kurupt Madonna may even be involved! 1 get around, to be pretty good and has a few guest rappers (Kurruption), Mack 10 (the Recipe), inspektah indeed. The album should be released on the on it like Mase. Kinda strange having a come Deck (Uncontrolled Substance), Rza, Ras Kass second anniversary of Tupac's death, back at the age of 19 ? Also R. Kelly has pro (Rassassination), Cypress Hill (IV), Crucial September 13th 1998. duced and co-written much of the new album Conflict (Good Side/Bad Side), Bizzy Bone, There will probably be a Biggie tribute album from Sparkle. Peter Gunz fk Lord Tariq of Heltah Skeltah (Magnum Force), Charli from the Bad Boy camp as well, although I have Uptown fame hit us with their new album, Make Baltimore (Ice), Devin (the dude), Cormega (the I been hearing that Puffy is planning to record a it Reign, featuring guests such as Big Pun, Fat Testament), a Flip Mode compilation and All 1 gospel album! You have been warned. Joe, Kurupt, Sticky Fingaz fk new jack Cam'ron City (Metropolis Gold). | Lauryn Hill and Wyclef do not seem to be on and production ranging from Jermaine Dupri to Roni | the best of terms. Lauryn's new album appar- Teddy Riley. Ex-NWA member MC Ren has a I ently doesn't have any Wyclef production, and good album out called Ruthless for Life, show 1 her first few lines on her new single, Lost Ones, ing he still got it after 10 years. Queen Latifah I seem to be aimed at him. should be dropping her album anyday soon, and Catch Tha Bomb Live at I Nate Dogg's album should be out some- has some good songs on there. 1 where but it will be officially released in the Singles out now are Imajin featuring Keith the Summer Carnival | States at the end of the month, so expect HMV Murray, Janet Jackson, Canibus featuring Mike Virgin etc to flood us with overpriced imports. Tyson, Jay Z, Pras featuring ODB and Mya, the on 26th June The album is entitled G Funk Classics and con Jive All-Stars, and coming soon should be LL tains 2 great songs with Snoop and Tupac, it's G Cool J fk Dr Dre (Zoom), Aretha Franklin (Here j Funk like it is supposed to be. Also, Nate has a We Go again), Public Announcement (Body I track out with Warren G (don't know if this is on Bumpin'), Bust and Erykah Badu (One), Mary J 1 his album, but it is on the Woo soundtrack) and Blige (Round fk Round), Another Level (Freak I it's what you expect: laid-back funk. Me), and possibly Destiny's Child (With Me) and 1 Master P should release a clutch of albums who knows if Puffy will release Victory over here. I on his No Limit Records. Watch out for P's The I Last Don. C-Murder (suspiciously sounding like I 2Pac but it ain't him), Silkk the Shocker, Fiend j and Snoop's The Game Is To Be Told Not To Be SUMMER ALBUMS I Sold will drop on August 4, featuring the No I Limit Soldiers and others. Don't front, you know Look out for the following releases this summer: J his last album he was stranded on Death Row, 1 now he got the real deal expect him to make a Da Bomb explodes in the Union Def Squad - El Nino 30/6 good album at least. King Tee - Thy Kingdom Come 30/6 on the last day of term, Friday 26 NBA Lakers superstar Kobe Bryant is set to Sunz of Man - Sunz of Man 30/6 record an album. I hear he can rhyme, so check Black Eyed Peas - Behind the Front 30/6 June. Be there. We got the whole it out when it comes. Apparently he won some Noreaga - N.O.R.E. 14/7 rap contest before he made the NBA. M.O.P. - First Family 4 lif 14/7 bomb squad givin' it to ya raw! A quick note on the west coast group, Tribe Called Quest - The Love Movement 14/7 Jurassic 5. I have listened to their album, and it's Xzibhit - 40 Days & Nights 14/7 pretty good. They have instrumental trakcs and P.A. - Straight No Chase 14/7 36 MUSIC 24 June 1998 24 June 1998 MUSIC 37

INTERVIEW INTERVIEW

talks to Air Liquide

Why is it bad? leave. I felt so bad for him. He put in a DAT and certain record I say, "Oh yeah, sure. Let's go!" If have a new truth. It's really difficult to explain it. music or played with violins or whatever. Because I have to tell everyone I'm not from tried to play over it. I went back to the hotel and business people come to me and say, "We have People who haven't been in Cologne for a few the ghetto and I'm kind of happy about that. I went to bed. 1 thought, "This cannot be true! I to release this and this and this." I say, "OK. days, hanging out with us don't believe it. We What do you think of DJing as a live spectacle? don't like burning trash cans and I don't like to saw that it was full playback, and I guess that How much?" tell them, "It's easy to drink 400 bottles of beer DJing is not live. It's like painting a wall. You shoot people. 1 don't like to diss people or lots of other people saw that. in two days." They say, "You're fucking idiots. can paint a wall perfectly; like white or green or whatever, but the energy from Public Enemy is / read that you were a student of an academy of You don't know what you're talking about." whatever, and you don't see any drops on it, no amazing. Public Enemy six years ago was like So yours is totally live and totally unrehearsed? electronic music... shades. That's a DJ! There are musicians. They modern can music; like cut-up techniques, Yeah if you give yourself a chance to be That's true but it's not important. Apart from this party-vibe thing, you made a make records for DJs to play. They are inventing insane psychedelic electronic music. I didn't like totally bad, you have a chance to be really good, track called Twice Zero is Zero, with a vocal the colours and shades for DJs to play. the attitude, but I liked the sound, the groove and if you put in a DAT and press play you can .../ also read that you went through tough times track that contained some quite deep sayings. Is and the funk. So this was mind-blowing for me. not be bad or good, you can just be boring. before Air Liquide? You had sounds you invent your music also about that in some ways? In the record industry people say that DJs are Actually everyone said that white people cannot That's all. If your only artistic contribution is to ed stolen, and a company that you made hit Mary Applegate who did all the vocals for us musicians. Do you agree? commercial records for went bankrupt and you be funky. I said "Yeah sure honey! You're right. change volume and 1Q, I'll see it and I'll die. is my ex-girlfriend. All the lyrics were about our I don't want to diss DJs. They do a good job Let's do it!" never saw the money of your work. Music jour relationship because at that time she was mar to bring music to people but they are not pro nalists have justified your hard and raw sound to What do you think when critics say that elec ried and I was married, and this was a really bad ducers. this sequence of events. Is that true? So do you consider your music is funky? tronic music cannot be raw and live and danger relationship. She got divorced and 1 got Hopefully! Maybe not live, but when I pro ous? No. As I told you we're lying the whole time. divorced. I'm not allowed to see my children Does it not make you angry that some DJs get Every day a new truth. But we are really bad sar duce records, I'm working hardcore. Someone In this case they have no idea. I mean elec anymore because of this relationship. All these all the attention and make all the money if castic people. Actually I think this is kind of asked me how I can describe my music and 1 tronic instruments are instruments. You have to vocals from this time, like "This is not a mind they're not being creative? Cologne style to have really bad humour. We said, "It's insane music from insane boys for learn instruments, and you have to play and per trip, this is a body journey" were really coming That's OK with me! It's not my way. I've put this in music. insane girls. I make girls music!" form with instruments, and I don't care if these from the heart. It's not like psychedelic bullshit, nothing against someone like Sven Vath who instruments have five strings or two hundred A good friend of mine plays in a band and he it's an honest rock'n'roll vibe. It's about our makes lots of money by putting together other Just for girls? knobs or whatever. So you can play on a mixing said, "Whatever any newspaper writes about lives. people's tracks. 1 don't care. It's good to pro Yeah. Actually yeah! I really love it when they board just like on a guitar. You have to love it. you, make sure it's not the truth!" It's a really bad thing to talk about! mote to electronic music to the masses. But when these DJs think that they are God, 1 have a Who are you? What do you do with music? problem. 1 try to make electronic music; psychedelic In the end it doesn't matter, because if peo stuff. The most important thing about me is that ple come together to have a good time, you I'm from Cologne. shouldn't have to worry to tell them, "Oh actu ally I made this track!" You're in a group called Air Liquide. Can you tell I don't think 1 want all the credit. I feel bad. us about that project? I have a problem when kids come to me and Jammin' Unit and myself founded Air Liquide say, "Actually I came from Sweden to see your in 1991. Jammin' Unit used to be an audio engi show tonight!". I feel that it was a bad idea. Why neer and 1 was a producer for hip house and did they do that? They should have stayed in commercial dance crap. After the music was Sweden and watched MTV. It puts a lot of pres used in the night we used to use the studio for sure on me. They came from Sweden and payed psychedelic experiments. We started Air Liquide a thousand pounds to see me live, so I have to at this time and we just had fun in the studio, be really good. I cannot do that! not thinking about what we wanted to do, just Al;ck freaking out with the instruments; making sounds. all shake their asses in front of the stage. This is I performed in Zurich, Switzerland. There Why? totally important for me. was a hardcore girl; a lesbian with short hair and Is techno serious or just party music? Why the name Air Liquide? tattoos everywhere, and she was standing Because the more people people can talk For me when I'm performing live I'm an This is a kind of cool story. I had this fucking Is that what funk is? behind me and when 1 stopped performing she about you, the more important this is for your entertainer. I have to try and entertain the peo poser car (Oh yeah! Fucking, that's a bad word Yeah sure! It's sex. came and gave a big hug to me. She started to publicity, if you tell them the truth, it's kind of ple on the dancefloor. When I'm doing records in the UK); a convertible; really fast. 1 was going kiss me and said that it was the most amazing boring; like, "1 was born there, and I think this, it's a totally different thing. I can do whatever I'd home in this car at 160 mph and 1 was going on Apart from that is there a message? What is thing with electronic instruments that she had and I did this!" It's boring! But if people start to like to do and you have the chance to say yes or the autobahn in Germany and there was this your music about? ever seen. She was the singer of a Zurich punk talk about you and it's not true and there's a big no to my records. If I perform live in front of fifty truck called Air Liquide (a French chemical com My partner says no message, actually my group. She said, "That was so cool! I never knew rumour and some hype, then this is fun!" or five hundred people they all want to have a pany) and another car went in my lane so 1 had message is sex. that was possible with electronic instruments." good time. So 1 feel like Frank Sinatra and 1 have to swerve so as not to hit the truck. .But don't you think that there are people who to give these people a good time. I make a I missed the Air Liquide truck by about 15 In what way? Do you also DJ? were influenced by your music and want to slightly different sound then when I'm producing know about you because of your music; the cm. It was really fast, really close and 1 didn't hit Psychedelic, like fucking on LSD. That's big No! I'm too stupid to do that! You need to records. truth? it. So 1 saw this sign Air Liquide and 1 didn't hifunt ! 1 try to make music like that. have money in your pocket to buy new records I have a really bad feeling to fuck around I definitely appreciate that people like our it, and I thought that maybe we should do a and stuff. I don't have that, it's too difficult for with my audience, to say, "I'm an artist and I'll music, but they don't know what's going on if show you my art. You dig it or die! 1 don't care!" band like this. And tonight you're playing live. Can you explain me to go into a record shop and buy new they haven't been in Cologne and went partying your live style? records and listen to new records. It's not my with us for six days. And they don't know how What were your roots? What music inspired you It's really funny because we jam together on deal. People say it is easy to make music using com to die. It's true. It sounds dramatic. into Air Liquide? electronic instruments, and if everything works puters. What do you think about these criti We've been out partying every day for a Ah that's really bad! Jammin' Unit comes out fine, we press start and all the machines You release your music on many different labels. cisms? couple of years, and at six o'clock in the morn from rock; psychedelic rock music and I come work. So we start to combine electronic Why is this? Why don't you make music for one I don't know anyone who was able to switch ing when we are totally blasted we go and pro from NWA, Public Enemy. That's really bad to sounds; make rhythm, make atmosphere. label so people know where to find your music? on a computer and make good music instantly. duce some tracks, and then we go to sleep, and say but actually it's true... Yesterday night 1 saw a live PA from another UK I don't believe in labels. I believe in friends. There's only two types of music for me; bad then we invent ourselves again. So everyday we act, and this was full playback and I had to When friends come to me and want to release a music and good music. I don't care if it's rock 24 June 1998 38 MUSIC

CLUBSCENE - ALBUMS IN BRIEF

SONARTRIBE. SIGNALS tunes live up to the duo's high stan and Fenns - Style, TJ Cases - My Rough Technique Mixed by the Freestylers (Freskanova) 22 Jury dards, and eventually it is said that Inspiration, I could go on but I Welcome to this album will be taken fully live. won't. Plenty of underground 29 June 1/2 You should know what to Sonartribe's debut album. This is, Until then, roll a reefer, turn up your action with a nice mix of more expect from the Freestylers by now, without a shadow of a doubt, one system and chill out. vocal numbers, it should go down block rocking break beat/nu skool of the most innovative D n' B pro with train-spotters' and the occa action, showing us that they don't jects of recent time. From the off, P.S. To D Clarke (Physics 1) sional clubber equally well. just make shit-hot tunes but also Signals provides an awesome who in Issue 1115 voiced his dis can more than hold their own fusion of techno-style melodies gust at the lack of grammar in these behind the turntables. If you've with rough bass-lines. reviews. If you feel as though you been lucky enough to catch their DJ Straying from the D 'n' B norm, have something to offer, then outings all over London and Sonartribe are Fulham based Mike please come and show us your beyond, then this CD will not disap Marsh and Lorna Lewis. When they stuff - but in the meantime, is my point. Made up entirely from the are not programming for the BBC or colon in the right place ?- you seem Freskanova back catalogue, unbe teaching Aerobics, their shared love like the sort of person who would lievable how many rough tunes of the weird and wonderful leads know.... they've put out, featuring many them to produce some of the dark Chris firm party favourites and new unre est Drum and Bass around. leased material. With the undisput Dope Dragon. Wayz Of The Dragon Mike and Lorna's ability to wan ed scratch DJ talents of J Rock 22 June der through a journey comprising of putting the finishing touches to a Dope Dragon, coming out of Black Whole Styles. Big Dadda hardsteppin' breaks and beats, faultless 70 odd minutes of nu- the Full Cycle camp (you should Compilations 8th June it it it it slammin' sub-hooks, Balearic guitar skool mayhem. riffs and techno-edged electro know their names by now!) bring This is a compilation of previ beats leaves you wondering what us a collection of out and out Drum ously released, exclusive and else they are going to unleash. and Bass tracks with enthuses on remixed tracks from the Big Dadda All ten tunes are top notch, and the dance floor. The first couple of label. Drawing on MCs and produc those such as Night Acoustic, tracks Came and Conjured and ers ranging from New York too Everyone else and Rays ate an Who Are You set the stall out for York. Black Whole Styles features essential for any DJ box, although how the rest of the album is to fol some of the realist hip-hop I've the only slight criticism is the lack low. It's a bit hard to judge just how heard in some time. If you've of variety from tune to tune. good these tracks are as I've only grown disillusioned by the mass of heard it on tape, but what I could more commercial hip-hop flooding tell is that it is packed full of quality the scene at the moment, this and originality from the Bristol could be just the answer, taking you crew. Plenty of rolling and hard- back to the roots when hip-hop stepping business going on here was original, upfront and experi and, if you've been out recently, mental: this captures all that and you're bound to have heard at least more. Phat beats, dark atmospher Muki. Cabin Fever (Mantra) one of these tracks. As with all the icals, dope lyrics and plenty of 6 Jury recent Drum and Bass albums, it scratch action keeps it lively but As with most albums these has the standard Warhead sound then again, there are so many dif days, this one defies any distinct ing track. Overall very impressive, ferent styles here (nearly every style of music other than electron DEEP DISH JUNK SCIENCE so much so that I'm going to have track is different) I couldn't possibly ic. Based mainly in the area of trip- Out Now it-kit to track down the vinyl before it's sum them up in so little space. Take hop but often spilling over into Deep Dish, contrary to popular too late. a chance on this relatively unknown Drum and Bass, Techno and even belief, is not a cooking utensil label as I'm sure it will surprise you. Deep House. needed to follow along with Ready Steady Cook but the hottest thing Made Great In Britain Mixed by the Track two - Jahbar, starts out in ever to come out of Washington. DreemTeem (4 Liberty) Freestyle Files 4. Crackers Delight a style reminiscent of Orbital's sort of sound and gradually builds (over Ali and Sharam have rocked the Out Now (K7) 6 Jury nine and a half minutes) to a house scene since collaborating in A much-hyped album from This starts off with a distinctive trancey deep house sort of thing. 1992. Their first major work was a those leaders of garage music, the summer feel to it, in a down beat Plenty of live instruments are also lead remix of Hideaway by De'Lacy. Dreem Teem, show-casing the style you could call it happy hip- incorporated to create this unique Since then, they have been asked cream of the UK garage scene hop. Laid back grooves over easy sound that is Muki: flutes, sax, keys to spin their magic in re-working that's blown up over the past year. going beats, and a summery feel. I and in track three what sounds like tracks by artists such as Janet So, what's this latest mixed compi found a few of the tracks a little to a kazoo! But it is all done so well, Jackson, Tina Turner, Paula Abdul lation like? Well at first I was a little light and fluffy, for v/ant of a better they seem to get it just right every and Everything but the Girl (EBTG). disappointed as I know what good expression, for my taste. But with tracks from such labels as time, getting quite musical in Deep Dish are musicians. This DJs these boys are and I under R&S, Ninja Tunes and Nuphonic and places. Which helps create the debut album features live guitars, stand that the enthusiasm is on the even a Drum and Bass track from blissed out atmospheric grooves sax and keyboards. Track 2, Future tunes with the mixing taking second the Dub Club again with a summer that fill this album - described in the Of The Future, with vocals by place. The album rolls along seam vibe, you don't know what to press release as lush laid back elec- EBTG's Tracey Thorn, is a reworking lessly with great tune selection and expect next. Then you get to the tronica and I can't think of a better of their first track with the impressive mixing skills still on second CD which expected to way of putting it so I won't. Deconstruction label, Stay Gold. show, if kept to a minimum. Not 1 continue in the same up lifting sort So Luke Mullen and Jules Evans Ali and Sharam's diverse music quite as hard as their club sets but of styles, but instead you get a dark who make up Muki have made an taste is no better illustrated than instead focusing on the more vocal minimal down beat number to get interesting and entertaining album between Summer's Over, which side of underground garage. That the CD started - in total contrast to and, as they have only been making has a laid back, trancey feel to it, said, however, there are plenty of true underground anthems on here the first. You have to be very open music for just over a year, it just and Mohammed is Jesus, which is minded to appreciate this assorted shows either how talented they are arguably what house used to be in like : Dubz 4 Kubz - / Neeed Your collection of beats. or how easy it is to make electron the good old days. Love, Dreem Teem's superb mix of Shola Ama's - Much Love, Ramsey ic music! jo Public This album is a masterpiece. All 24 June 1998 MUSIC 39 CLUBSCENE - SINGLES 1

Seba. Planetary Funk Alert (Looking The Streets. Echoing bass tones Grant Nelson Project. Step 2 Me off key piano tones get you groov- Good) Out Now sets up the break with eerie effects (Swing City) ing. Wicked track perfect for the Another faultless piece of work and you expect it to drop like a Out of the three mixes on offer, summer months ahead. from the Looking Good camp, bomb but it doesn't. Instead it I'd go for the Future Dub, which which is why it's no surprise that comes back with light, cleverly cut, totally cuts the vocal down to little Pob. Boiler (Platipus) Out Soon it's been getting plenty of plays at skippy beats that are constantly stabs and starts off with a intro This hard in your face tech- the Logical Progression parties building. Quite minimal really but taken from an old Drum and Bass house sort of stuff, with trancey .sending the crowd into a frenzy works very well the way the three track, if I'm not mistaken. Slightly tinges and contains all your everywhere it's been dropped. or so different beat patterns inter- overwhelming piano that, if it was- favourite animal sounds, honestly it Absolutely killer key line in the change. n't cut out when it is, would sound does. Getting plenty of support break and I can still hear Conrad's rather dodgy indeed, but they get from the likes of Sasha, Oakenfold lyrics floating over the top, hands in Embee. Power (Splash) 6th Jury away with it. Nice scratch taking and Nick Warren to mention but a the air stuff. Also featured on A firm favourite with the likes of you back into it. On the first few lis- few. it's deep, hard, trippy and well Bukem's Progression Sessions mix Hype and Grooverider. A hectic tens I wasn't convinced by this put together: all in all a fierce track. CD. What more need 1 say, this is a pace is set with Power, loads going track but after repeated listening it Also a remix by Humate, who mini- must. on, rough metallic beats sounding a has grown on me, yet it still seems malises the beats action and dark- little like Babylon in the bassline to lack something. At the risk of ens it up some in a typical German Big Bud. Emotlonography (Good department if I'm not mistaken. sounding sexist I'd say this was one trancey style. Looking) Out Now Damage has a wicked intro that for the ladies, especially the full vocal and two step mixes that have If you're a fan of previous Big sounds like a laser pulse being fired Conscious. Northern Lights Bud releases this shouldn't be a (Golden Eye N64?) then comes in a soul diva type of vocal. (Platipus) Out Soon disappointment, as it's pretty much the broken beats again fast and Original mix has massive intro in the same vein. With those famil- furious and in an off beat stylee. Davis and Sweet. Muzik - Can u of atmosphereicals, effects, bird iar crisp rolling beats, dubbed out Feel It (Weston Village) 3rd Jury calls - very deep and dreamy then bassline and dreamy atmosphere- Fellowship. Mombassa / Quartz Title track Muzik has pretty sub- eventually the bass drum rolls in icals and effects. Another one get- (Creative Source) tle beats and bass, relying on keys, with skippy percussion lines. A ting maximum support from LTJ In a very musical style that effects and title vocals to get you pleasant trancey number in a rolling himself, also featured on his mix Creative Source have been champi- moving, but feels a little weak and, fashion. Pod mix is hard house bor- CD. Just adding to the long list of oning for some time now, strong dare I say, boring. It keeps threat- dering on funky Techno, starts off innovative and progressive tracks piano riffs run alongside quite a ening to do something to spark it with jungle animal sounds. that is Good Looking Records. hard sounding drum pattern with off but never does. But I've a feel- Squelchey beats and a driven bass little stabs of trumpet and flutes. ing it's meant to be this way, an drum accompanied by wobbly acid M.T.S Hard Disk /Revolution remix- Definitely one for those long sum- easy going roller. Destiny is more sounds that mess with your mind es (Juice) 13 Jury mer nights ahead. Quartz is a little lively due to tougher beats again, as it keeps building. Sure to keep Decoder gets on the mix of harder and you could be mistaken pleasant key interchanges and any floor pumping. Hard Disk and gives it that distinc- for thinking it was on Good Looking good mix of the two vocals working tive dark, fairly minimal rolling records, it's in that sort of style. hand in hand. This one has that lit- treatment. Clashing beats injecting tle something that grabs your atten- Don't forget all the singles fea- in now and then over the drowning Digital. Express (Creative Source) tion and gets you moving. tured here are based on 12" Vinyl bass tones and chopped up rolling Digital is one of my favourite not CD releases and many will only beats. But I actually prefer A-Sides producers of the moment after a Pursernel and Sons. Ain't What You be available in small independent Revolution mix of which feels a lit- string of wicked releases. This lat- Do (Swing City) 3 Jury records shops not the large chain tle harder, plenty of additional est offering is pretty minimal, with Slightly dubious vocal that lets stores. Also the release dates are beats thrown in over the main drum intelligent use of the drum patterns this track down for me, as clever just a rough guide as many are put pattern which keeps you interested backed up by depth giving effects. beats and mid bass tones are quite back, brought forward etc. Even and clever fx and samples give it His fairly unique tight beats are dif- effective but always feeling a little though this is often the case there the finishing touch. ficult to explain, so I won't try. If mainstream for me. But then Swing are always a few promo copies you're looking for something a little City do seem to nestle between out floating around well before official Prisoners Of Technology. One Two different, it's well worth checking and out underground garage and release dates. out. Flip-side in a totally different - World Cup Mix (Fresh Kuts) more vocal, classic garage. Grant's Jo Public. Another two strong releases style reminiscent of one of Deep and Deadly mix has to be my from P.O.T, but I fail to see what it Decoder's dark rollers. favourite, chunky beats and he has to do with the World Cup! They manages to make the vocal sound keep surprising me with the consis- Breakbeat Era. Breakbeat Era (Full all right via cutting the fuck out of it. tent quality of the material released Cycle/XL) 29 June I wouldn't call this a blinding track to date, that fits neatly in between Breakbeat Era are Lennie Laws, but it's OK. Jump Up and more Intelligent and DJ Die and Roni Size and, as you Dark styles. Not a hint of cheese on might expect, all these tracks are The Memzee. Funky Love (Vinyl either track, as I keep expecting. breakbeat driven. The original mix Distribution) Out Now One Two is an intelligently made has a full song from Lennie Laws, This has to be one of the best fast paced track with clean crisp with a double bass. More of a song tracks I've had sent through this beats and they show their diversity than a out and out Drum and Bass year and I haven't stopped playing as they dispense with the massive track, very well done if you like that it. And I actually prefer the vocal bass-line and go with fucked with sort of thing. The Full Cycle mix is mix to the dub (that is a first), with effects. Top marks once again. rather disappointing and feels very the amazing vocal talents of The weak overall. DJ Die mix is my Memzee are unreal. Right up there Low Down (Trouble On Vinyl) favourite, totally breakbeat driven with Roy Davis Jnr's Gabrielle for This latest release has been a with double bassline, those full vocal content but much more while coming, the first since their cycle style beats. It gets a little danceable and club friendly. Not so highly impressive album Code Of tinny for me, though. much tuff beats but percussion and 40 MUSIC 24 June 1998

CLUBSCENE - NEWS * REVIEWS

who love their music real: the ell, this is the last terms, i have been attending an remember where you heard about Logical Progression Crew LTJ and Clubscene of this term intensive training course, in a it first. Summer Time Blues is set Family join up with the purveyors of W and we've got plenty of attempt to bring myself up to for release around end of July, it's quality house music, Sasha and stuff to keep your summer bub- his/her obviously very high stan- going to be massive. If you can't Digweed and Danny Rampling bling, with all the freshest album dards. I hope this has help your wait till then, check out Upfront amongst others - a truly unique and single releases for the next few reading pleasure. 99.3 FM where you can hear The event combining the best of both months, as well as all the clubs that First up the Flex Kru: (interview Dexter, amongst others, playing all worlds in two arenas. The only are worth a look. issue 1115 - pictured) after their their new releases. problem is that's it's all the way out But before we get into it: I must massive club hit Watch The Flex, Next up; Ninja Tunes have on the coast and Hastings Pier - apologise to you all for my they have decided to release future changed the location of their first but 1 know I'm gonna be there. For appalling use of the English lan- material on their own label Marvel Thursday of every month club further info call: 01424 715207 guage, and since D Clarke, (Physics City Records instead of using nights to 333 Club Old Street, so 1) pointed it out in no uncertain Bullion Records who released their you now get three floors of the That's about it from me and first track. Now they have more freshest breaks and beats for your don't forget you can catch me control over their material, and money, in the basement, you get alongside the DJ Roast every after a little break, they guarantee the four decks mash up from the Thursday 12pm-2am on the one &. that the releases will be coming likes of DJ Food, the first floor only Upfront 99.3FM. Also look out thick and fast, with the next release brings the likes of Coldcuts and for club appearences over the sum- Summer Time Blues due in about 1 Hex Audio Visual Experience and mer. Just leaves me to wish you all month. I heard this hot off the finally, on the ground floor you get a hot and sweaty summer and all press, well hot off the DAT actually, the likes of Mixmaster Morris and the best until we meet again. See as it hasn't even been finished yet many more of the finest itchy, yal alone pressed up yet. This is going scratchy DJs in the business. One Jo Public to be even bigger than Watch The not to miss! Flex - it's looking set to be one of Finally there's a little treat being the first true summer anthems. So set up for the 3rd July for people

CLUBSCENE - DJ BOXES

WHAT'S IN THE BOX WHERE WE CHECK WHAT'S IN THE FRONT OF TOP DJs RECORD BOXES.

Jo Public - Top 10 (Garage) Jo Public - Top 10 (Drum Ik Bass)

1. The Memzee - Funky Love (Vinyl Distribution) 1. Calyx - Double Zero (Audio Culture) 2. Anthill Mob - Set You Free (Makeshift) 2. Shimon IkAndy C - Live Line (Ram Rec.) 3. Jack Ik Jill - Don't Know Baby (Casa Trax) 3. Jonny L - Moving Thru Air, Optical Mix (XL) 4. Gruesome Twosome - Tracks (Checkmate Masters) 4. Seba - Planetary Funk Alert (GoodLooking) 5. Prime Suspect - Case / (Rise n' Shine) 5. ? - Low Down (Trouble On Vinyl) 6. Martha Wash - Catch The Light, Dub mix (Logic) 6. Prisoners Of Technology - One Two (Fresh Kutts) 7. Curtis Ik Moore - Never Give Up. Bumpin' Dub (Swing City) 7. Fellowship - Mombassa (Creative Source) 8. Ray Hurley - Treat Me Right (Quench) 8. Decoder fk Mark Caro - Eko (Tech Itch) 9. MAD Productions Feat. Carroll Thompson - Too Late (E1) 9. Peshay - Miles From Home (Mo Wax) 10. Dem 2 remix - Beautiful People (White) 10. Trace - Sonar (Prototype)

Dj Risky - Top 10 (Garage) Fabio - Top 10 (Drum & Bass) (Catch these and many more on Risky's radio show Sunday Nights (Don't forget you can check Fabio on Radio 1 every other Friday 8pm-10pm Upfront 99.3 FM. Big up all the hit the Hit Squad, Lee evening) Valentine all Upfront massive, Emily, the Flex Kru fk DEA massive) 1. Endemic Void - Down The Line (Dubplate) 1. Mr Jones - Mad Changes (Bug Rec Promo) 2. Solid State - The Electric Ballroom (Dubplate) 2. ? - Fresh Kutts Vol.2 (White) 3. Fellowship - Quartz (Creative Source) 3. M Dubs - Over You (White) 4. E-Z Rollers - Hold On (Moving Shadow) 4. Guy Slmone / MJ Cole - Your Mine (Prolific Rec) 5. Primary Motive - BluePrlnt ( Creative Source) 5. MJ Cole - Sincere (Meterix) 6. Matrix Mix - Unknown (White Label) 6. Flex Kru - Don't Front Us (Acetate) 7. Photek Ik Peshay - Rings Around Saturn (Dubplate) 7. Lenny Fontana - Spirit Of The Sun (Public Demand) 8. Voyager - Beatnik (Dubplate) 8. Groove Chronicles - Do To Me (White) 9. Grooverider - River Of Congo/ On The Double (Higher Ground - 9. D.EA - Music's HypnotisingPt4 (Booby Trap) Unreleased Dubplate) 10. Ray Hurley - Your Love Remixes (Quench double pack) 10. State Of The Art - Mrs Warren's Profession (Dubplate)

L J 24 June 1998 MUSIC 41 CLUBSCENE - CLUB REVIEW AWOL @ The Camden Palace

This one-off night was also balconies of varying width going up Hype, and making such a big thing being held in conjunction with to the ceiling. about him being a new DJ, which Public Demand records, a fast We took up position on the could have only made the geezer emerging Garage label who took second from top balcony, where more nervous than ever, and how over the second arena to celebrate we could see the breathtaking view do you follow Hype? Well, not the launch of their new album, of thousands of people having it, badly really from what 1 heard and Backed By Public Demand. I the DJ mixing and the stunning light considering records were jumping attended a night down here a few display - most impressive. Last all over the place after Hype had months back but never made it to time I was here, I was knocked out fucked the needles after going the second arena: no wonder, it's by the light display, and they have crazy on the decks, he sounded as fter hearing so much about hidden away at the very top of this done it up again since then - with good as anyone to me. A those now legendary AWOL massive venue, up five or six dodgy the centre piece being the most Overall a excellent night with a nights down the Paradise back stairwells. To be honest, in powerful laser I've seen, and I've great atmosphere not always asso Club of a few years back, hearing comparison to the vastness of the seen plenty. Everyone I spoke to ciated with Drum and Bass nights - the tapes but never actually going Palace, this second arena is pis- mentioned how shit-hot it was - it especially when they stopped serv to one, when I saw they were doing stakingly small. Fifty people nearly really needs to be seen to be ing alcohol before we even got a one off night down the Camden filled it, but that said it was still believed. there (Sunday license). Shock hor Palace I just had to go. I knew it rocking in there and the DJ, who DJs on the night were JJ Frost, ror, even a fair number of ladies in would be nothing like the original ever it was, was rolling. Rap, Zinc, Grooverider, Andy C, the place. Be sure to look out for nights, but it was as close as I was For those of you who have Kenny Ken, who played a wicked some more dates in the not too going to get without the aid of time never been to the Camden Palace, set that just rolled along, and the distant future. travel. For those of you who don't it was a theatre before being con scratchmaster Hype, who got Jo Public know, AWOL made their name dur verted into one of London leading straight down to business and ing the early '90's, putting on regu venues with a capacity of at least totally blew up the place - the ulti lar all-nighters playing a unique 1,500. The set up is a stage/DJ box mate entertainer. It was a little blend of ground-breaking with with a large dancefloor splayed out harsh putting the up and coming trend setting drum and bass. in front of it, then about six rows of newcomer DJ Scope on right after CLUBSCENE - FEATURED ALBUM & CLUB REVIEW Emotif presents - THE METHOD HELTA SKELTA @ The Sanctuary

not all that dissimilar to Warhead B billl I « m takes over: wicked track. Dylan of Droppin' Science Duo has pro m duced another tearing track, hard, m even fierce and dark: loads going m on: awesome. T-Power brings in a a more experimental style of track as m does Basic Unit, music for the mind Blim not just the body. T-Power Next up Elements Of Noise . This starts off with a similar experi efore starting a review of an mental feel, then halfway through it B album, I generally listen to it drops big time, transforming into a jotting down the tracks that more dance floor number: clever stand out for some reason, good or stuff. bad. With this one, I found myself Although I haven't got any of putting down one track after anoth these on vinyl, they all sound famil o the person I sent down to pictures pretty much tell their own er. If it wasn't for the slightly more iar due to them being played in the T review Helta Skelta, got in for story. experimental numbers toward the clubs. Most of the tracks here have nothing (saving you £25), If you're around the Stoke-On- end, they would have all been put a dark edge, yet all are interpreted jumping the extensive queues, Trent area on the 17th July, look down as outstanding tracks. It's in different ways, in general, it's thanks for not even bothering to out for their first ever club night at OK, I'm not going to try and explain amazing how these people manage write down a few words about it. the Void Club. each one in detail, instead I'll tell to get such feeling and emotion out You know who you are - I'll break Most promoters start off by you about a couple of my of a bunch of transistors and your legs later. doing club nights then favourites and some that are so processors. Nevermind, I've go on to do huge ware nearly great tracks out of the So, an upfront account of been to plenty of Helta house style parties. twelve, but just miss. where Drum and Bass is today, if Skelta events before Not Helta Skelta. They Click and Cycle - Trippin' (Tonic slightly distorted towards the dark now at the Sanctuary, prefer to do it the other remix) starts things off in fine fash side. Oh, did I mention that this Milton Keynes and I can way - do you think ion: dark, hard and definitely trip comes on either an un-mixed or tell you what to expect: they're Irish or some ping on those haunting key tones, mixed CD: nice for us to be given two massive arenas thing ? killer beats, breaks and effects. the choice for a change. The mix is with a capacity for Next, L Double and Acetate bring in taken care of by Ray Keith, bringing 5,000 party people, Photos courtesy of the jazz lick with Style Wars: dron the sound of Movement friendly and helpful Gary Clarke. ing bassline runs alongside jazz (Thursday's at Bar Rumba) to your security, fuck-off sound trumpet or something similar then living room. and lighting rigs and the after the first breakdown this is dis Jo Public best hardcore and drum pensed with and a drum pattern and bass DJs. Well, the It's how Big? 42 FILM 24 June 1998

REVIEWS GREASE Starring: John Travolta, Olivia Newton-John,, Stockard Channing Director: Randal Kleiser

thought I'd seen Crease. I've TV show coming to Rydall High. But certainly seen Crease 2 and to be honest, none of that really I Saturday Night Fever, 1 recall matters, if you want an intricate, most of the songs and the image of clever story, rent out The Usual Olivia Newton John in tight leather Suspects. Grease is not about the trousers has been with me since story, it's about 'avin' a larf. pre-puberty. But the minute the You may have heard about the cheesy cartoon intro began, I sud- cult following of Showgirls. People denly realised. I have never actual- just watch to take the piss out of it. ly seen Crease - the greatest disco Crease is all that and so much flick ever made. mm more - it has a universal "So cheesy, it's great" appeal. When it The truth is, that's not such a came to classics like "Greased bad thing. All I ever needed to Lightning", everyone did the clappy know about Crease I knew well I bit. You know, THAT bit. And who before I came to the cinema. HP^ could forget the hot-dog cartoon in There's no Hitchcock-like sus- the background during "Stranded at pense, no intricate sub-plots like a the Drive-in"? Ridley Scott film and no trademark Tarantino violence, it's just a musi- It"s not quite as groovy as it cal like any other: a series of set probably was twenty years ago pieces, very loosely tied to a (before some of us were even cheesy story that you've seen far born) and at times you'll probably too many times alteady, thank you feel really sheepish while watching very much. it. If you know the songs and take a few like-minded mates, then just If you really want care, then it John Travolta - style on a stick go along and have a laugh. After all, goes something like this: Travolta is you've only got your credibility to the 'coolest' of the T Birds, a high- during the summer holiday and 'cool' scene. Meanwhile, rival gang lose. 1*1 school gang who hang out with the now she's moved to his school. the Scorpions want to race the T Pink Ladies. He met Newton-John However, she doesn't fit in with the Birds, and there's a National Dance Andy

RED CORNER Starring: Richard Gere, Bai Ling Director: jon Avnet

magine waking up in Bejing next excuse this, but it really doesn't to the corpse of an exotic beau- come close. I ty with whom you spent an Gere's cocky reaction to his entirely pleasant evening just a few predicament is irksome in itself, but hours earlier. Then you are not so the impression that it is born of the gently removed by a significant righteous indignation which any portion of the local police force to American would feel makes it even a place of detention where, having harder to swallow. Rather than only a whiskey clouded recollection serve as an aspect of his nightmar- of the previous night's events and a ish situation, disturbing footage of few words of Chinese, you can do an execution seems to be included nothing except pray for the mercy mainly to highlight the swift severi- of a judicial system not known for ty of the Chinese legal system. it's leniency. By now you're proba- After all, it's far more humane to bly pretty confused and altogether keep prisoners on death row for terrified, while the news that those years while their lives hang in the guilty of a capital offence are gen- Richard Gere's award winning "confused" look. balance, isn't it? erally shot within a week of sen- All this turns what could have tencing is unlikely to help lift your appointed defence lawyer Bai Ling background of the lawyer and the been an affecting personal story spirits. who knows that a confession will accused is crowbarred into their with some political significance into Jack Moore, though, is made of bring a lighter sentence, jack insists conversations in the form of largely a deeply awful film with a bit of sterner stuff. Played by Richard on an innocent plea, even threaten- irrelevant exchanges on the subject crass soap boxing thrown in. Gere, he is in Bejing to close a ing to defend himself if she will not of the murder rate in America and Richard Gere has been outspoken hugely lucrative satellite television capitulate. The scene is set for an the like. What is more, the conspir- in the past on the human rights deal, the first to be sanctioned by extremely conventional courtroom acy which is sometimes enough to record of the Chinese government, the Chinese government. The fact based tale of conspiracy, albeit one hold one's attention in a film of this particularly their behaviour in Tibet, that this makes him a prime target in which the cultural differences of sort is pathetically poorly hidden. and here he finds himself in a posi- for a set-up is not lost on Gere, so the leading characters could add a When we find out who is responsi- tion to make a difference. Sadly, when he is arrested he rather rapid- little interest. Unfortunately, they ble for Gere's misfortune, it comes however, Red Corner does no one ly resolves to clear his name. don't. as no surprise at all. Presumably, any favours. [| Against the wishes of his court- The issue of the contrasting the novel setting is supposed to Simon 24 June 1998 FILM 43 REVIEWS AND COMPETITIONS PRIMARY COLOURS STAR PROFILE: Starring: )ohn Travolta, Emma Thompson JOHN Director: Mike Nichols -k-k-k TRAVOLTA ohn Travolta, overweight and greying, is governor Jack ohn Travolta represents that J Stanton, a doughnut chomping, rarest of all Hollywood resi- womanising, quick-tempered J dents - the star who success- politician with skeletons climbing fully makes a comeback - and for out of every closet, including a that alone he deserves enduring tampered police record and recognition. women accusing him of adultery. Having found fame in the sev- His wife, Susan, (a perfectly enties, capturing the feel of a gen- accented Emma Thompson) is a eration in disco classics Saturday no-nonsense lawyer determined to Night Fever and Crease, he all but make him president who refuses to disappeared during the eighties, believe the scandals. only to return to A-list status thanks to Pulp Fiction. Alongside If this description makes you co-stars Samuel L Jackson Uma think of Bill and Hilary Clinton, then No, of course they're not Bill and Hilary. Oh no. Thurman and Ving Rhames, he you wouldn't be too far from the shot to nineties success courtesy mark. Based on the novel of the film unfolds around him and his loyal campaign trouble-shooter. of Tarantino's masterpiece. same name, Primary Colours is a discovery of the real world of poli- Mike Nichols directs with "completely fictitious" account of tics, as we see the way a governor aplomb, not distracting a strong As a result, the man who once the presidential campaign of a gov- runs for office and the people who story with too many showy cine- admitted he could see out the rest ernor of an unnamed southern are part of the frenzy. matic flourishes. With an overly of his days in the increasingly sick- state, and the allegations that con- Adrian Lester, a young British long and a dragging last act, it is ening Look Who's Talking fran- stantly hamper his attempt to actor, does a fine job of playing the hard to see what appeal such a film chise is now worth $20 million a become president. film's pivoting character, standing would have in this country, but picture. Thus, he can command We witness the story through up admirably to the two excellent Primary Colours is an intelligent lead roles in big studio produc- Primary the eyes of their new campaign leads, and the supporting cast are and well-made look at politics in tions such as this month's Colours manager, Henry Burton, an idealis- all on top form, from Billy Bob the US, and an alternative to the and recent hits such as Mad City Face/Off. tic young black man, desperate to Thornton's troublesome political traditional brainless blockbuster.Il and the brilliant find something to believe in. The strategist to Kathy Bates' fiercely David This may all sound a far cry from Travolta's cinematic roots, yet if you watch Saturday Night Fever again, the ease with which Twice the chance to win, courtesy of the he slips into the gritty, swearing, violent persona of Tony shows the first signs of his future career. And of course, his first mainstream movie was Carrie.... Yet the real Travolta is a far cry form the hell-raisers he tends to portray on screen. The forty-two year old star is married to actress Kelly Preston, has a four year old daughter named Jet, and is a lead- KENSINGTON ing proponent of the "Church of Scientology".

ith a mountain of sum- Harrison Ford action comedy Six mer blockbusters on the Days, Seven Nights. Hollywood's W most bankable star is a pilot who Primary Colors (1998) horizon, those lovely people at the Odeon Kensington crash lands on a desert island with Mad City (1997) give you the chance to win tickets only Anne Heche for company. Face/Off (1997) to not one but two big films. Unsurprisingly, romantic entangle- Michael (1996 First up is The Object of My ments ensue. Phenomenon (1996) Affection, starring Jennifer Aniston To win tickets, simply tell us: Broken Arrow (1996) as a pregnant mother falling in love White Man's Burden (1995) with her gay flatmate (see summer In what seminal Vietnam story Get Shorty (1995) preview for more info). does Harrison Ford appear in a Pulp Fiction (1994) Look Who's Talking Now (1993) To win one of five pairs of tick- supporting role? ets, simply email film.felix® Eyes of an Angel (1991) ic.ac.uk with the answer to this ter- All entries must be in by midday Look Who's Talking Too (1990) rifyingly simple poser: Thursday, so that winners can col- Look Who's Talking (1989) lect their prizes before the end of Staying Alive (1983) Jennifer Aniston starred alongside term. The answer to the last com- Two of a Kind (1983) Kevin Bacon in which 1997 petition was Hook (with the stars Blow Out (1981) romantic comedy? being Robin Williams, Dustin Urban Cowboy (1980) Hoffman, Julia Roberts and Bob Grease (1978) The second competition offers Hoskins respectively). All winners Saturday Night Fever (1977) five pairs of tickets to the new have been notified by email. Carrie (1976) 44 FILM 24 June 1998 THE BIG SUMMER PREVIEW GODZILLA

Stars: Matthew Broderick, jean Reno, Hank Azaria Director: Roland Emmerich When: July 17

s well as blockbuster biggies oland Emmerich and Dean AGodzilla and Lost In Space RDevlin, the producer-direc- and a heavy dose of tor combination responsible schmaltz from Six Days, Seven for Independence Day, return with Nights and City of Angels, July also another sure-fire box-office smash, sees the release of.... Dr. Dolittle, almost sinking under the weight of starring Eddie Murphy as the its own effects. However, this time eponymous animal talking scien- they have chosen to go without any tist. Think Babe meets Nutty pro- of the usual A-list actors, opting for fessor, and you're probably head- a combination of eighties hero ing in the right direction. Its a Broderick (Wargames, Ferris remake of the 1968 Rex Harrison Bueller's Day Off) and Gallic hard- musical in the loosest sense of the man Jean Reno (Leon, Mission word .... On the subject of musical Impossible). adaptations, Les Miserables finally There will also be disappoint- ing like Jurassic park then. Oh no. aliens. gets a proper big screen outing. ment for fans of the original in essence, the storyline is Without doubt, this will be the It's a direct adaptation of the Japanese man-in-a-rubber-suit hideously simple. Large monster biggest film of the summer, setting Victor Hugo novel though, so don't spectacular, as Emmerich readily appears and starts to trample its umpteen new box office records in respect stars Liam Neeson, Uma admits to ditching the entire feel way through New York, destroying the process. But be warned - in the Thurman and Geoffrey Rush to and plot of the original, in favour of everything in its path. Only a com- states it has (unsurprisingly) taken break into song every five minutes a more nineties friendly storyline. bination of gritty US Military types a critical drubbing, and after just .... The regulation Low Budget He describes the movie as "The and brilliant young scientists can two weeks has started to slip down British Entry™ comes in the form fight between nature and technolo- save the day....Basically, Emmerich the top ten, overtaken by popular of Metroland, an adaptation of the gy....it's much more about people and Devlin re-tread ID4, only with favourites City of Angels and 77ie Julian Barnes novel. Christian Bale than the original movies". So, noth- one big monster replacing lots of Truman Show. stars as the 60's twentysomething escaping his married life by fleeing to France .... Looking to relieve those halcyon teenage days? Then catch Love and Death on Long CITY OF ANGELS Island, and remember just how much you hated that smug git Jason Priestly .... For the horror Stars: Meg Ryan, Nicolas Cage, fans out there, this years major Dennis Franz Hollywood offering comes in the Director: Brad Silberling form of Mimic. Mira Sorvino is the When: July 10 young scientist who creates a cure for a killer disease, but in the process creates giant killer bugs, his summer's Meg Ryan film lurking in the New York sewers. T promises all the usual ingredi- The twist is that the bugs can alter ents - sweet, soppy romance, their form to become that of their characters forced to put love pray. Invasion of the before life (or, in this case, immor- Bociysnatchers style events ensue tality), and a heavy kleenex quo- .... Chubby Goes Down Under is tient. another outing for Roy Chubby Nicholas Cage is one of the Brown. Watch it and we kill you heavenly host that occupies Los ...A Thousand Acres is billed as Angeles, unseen by the millions of "King Lear in the Praries". Bizzare non-believers who live and work in as that may sound, it's attracted a the city. They congregate on top notch cast, including Jessica Malibu beach or perch atop Lange, Michelle Pfieffer and churches and skyscrapers, watch- sibly) can't accept his claims to be Cage is forced to choose between Jennifer Jason Leigh .... Re-release ing over and protecting the citi- a disciple of God. Yet how can she immortality and the woman he gems this month include Hitchock zens. And all the time, the popu- explain her inability to feel his loves lace remain unaware of their pres- classic Psycho, giving you the touch.... For those who prefer a little ence, unable to see Cage and his chance to watch a lovely new print Unremarkable schmaltz this more substance to their movies, a fellow spirits unless they "will you" of the adventures of Norman Bates may sound, but with weepie-queen minimal level of effects, amusing to see them. and his mum .... Grease also gets Ryan and the always likeable Cage cameos from NYPD Blue's Dennis the re-release treatment. A prime One day Cage encounters (trying to escape his action-junkie Franz and Homicide's Andre opportunity to terminally embar- unhappy heart surgeon Meg Ryan, persona) in the starring roles, City Braugher and a script adapted from rass yourself by strutting your and, instantly smitten, wills her to of Angels should have those of a Wim Wenders Wings of Desire, funky stuff. Just watch Travolta go! see him. She realises that he is more romantic disposition bawling should combine to produce the hot somehow different, but (quite sen- their eyes out - particularly when favourite for chick-flick of the year. 24 June 1998 FILM

THE BIG SUMMER PREVIEW THE AVENGERS

Stars: Ralph Fiennes, Lima Thurman, Sean Connery Director: Jeremiah Chechik When: August ugust will undoubtedly be n a summer of cult TV reincar- dominated by AAvengers, with x Files: The nations, The Avengers promises I to be the only one true to its Movie in a supporting role. roots. The trailers and pre-publicity However, with the football over promise the original blend of kitsch there are loads of other releases fashions, kung-fu and utterly waiting in the wings, including .... implausible plot-lines, all delivered Bruce Willis starrer Mercury Rising. in a thoroughly Victorian style - The Die Hard-ster is a lone FBI stiff-upper lips are definitely the agent, trying to protect an autistic order of the day. kid who manages to hack into the Pentagon's most secretive code. Ralph Fiennes and Uma It's all loosely based on Ryne Thurman star as aristocratic crime Pearson's novel Simple Simon, and fighters John Steed and Emma Peel co-stars Alec Baldwin as the evil (the roles originally made famous government agent on their trail .... by Patrick McNee and Diana Rigg), Land Girls is this summers big Brit complete with lethal umbrella and weather , and consequently threat- Probably the most stylish and Com offering. Anna Friel (late of leather catsuit respectively. They ens to hold the world to ransom. individual of the summer's big Brookside) stars as one of a trio of must save the world from the dia- Steed and Peel are the only force releases, this has the potential to women who take on farm labour bolical Sir August de Wynter, capable of stopping him, and to do either become a mass phenome- when the men go away to fight played by Sean Connery who clear- so they must face various other non, or die in shame. Fortunately, World War II. Of course, they all ly relishes the chance to ham-it-up foes including: knife-wielding nan- the makers have for once accepted fall for the rugged farm lads, and magnificently as a kilted madman. nies, 6-foot teddy bear-suited nin- that the kitsch styles and overt much female bonding ensues .... De Wynter has stolen The jas, and a robotic double of Peel Englishness were what made the The Gingerbread Man is the latest Prospero Project', a device with who is determined to destroy the original great, and based the film from the John Grisham stable, with which he can control the world's agents. Move over James Bond.... around them. Kenneth Brannagh in the lawyer-in- peril-role. However, this one promises to be a cut above the usual fare, with Robert Altman in the director's chair, and a bizzare X-FILES : THE MOVIE plot centring around Embeth Davidtz attempts to consign her dad to the loony bin .... None too Stars: David Duchovny, Gillian subtle political satire comes in the Anderson form of Primary Colours, with John Director: Rob Bowman Travolta as the pants-down Pres When: August 21 and Emma Thompson as his put- upon first lady .... Eddie murphy ith the plot a tightly stars as The Holy Man, advocating guarded secret - the the pursuit of life, laughter and W script has been printed love .... Robert Redford is on sickly on red paper so that it can't be sweet form as a cowboy type who photocopied and the set is con- who breaks-in wild horses by whis- stantly surrounded by rabid securi- pering to them in The Horse ty guards - it's very difficult to rate Whisperer- Kristin Scott-Thomas is the first big-screen outing for the city-girl who enlists his help Mulder and Scully. when her daughter is injured in a However, rumour suggests that riding accident, it's adapted from a the plot will be pitched as both a best selling novel, so big things are stand alone episode and an end to expected .... And on the subject of series five (currently airing on satel- tense feel and fast pace can be but we really didn't want to make pregnancy, Madeleine Stowe and lite). Likely plot lines include expected, and of course David this a $100 million movie. We're William hurt dabble disastrously Mulder's sister, his parents, little Duchovny and Gillian Anderson are striving to do what we've done so with surrogacy in The Proposition green men and, of course, govern- on hand to dish out the usual win- well on the series, which is to scare .... The Object of My Affection has ment conspiracy. Basically, it looks ning brand of unshakeable belief you by only showing little bits". already kicked up a fuss in the like it's designed as a extended and scepticism, topped off with Which all suggests the usual States, with it's depiction of a episode of the hit series, with an that all important sexual tension. healthy mix of action, aliens and pregnant woman lusting after her effects budget only slightly above Indeed, there have even been extroadinarily convoluted plot that gay flatmate. Friends star Jennifer usual (the entire movie has a bud- rumours sneaking off the set of a we've all come to know and love. Aniston takes the lead, with a per- get of £30 million - economic by romantic liaison between the stars. And whatever happens, however, formance best described as "A Hollywood standards). In the words of series creator the massive cult following behind woman with a cushion stuck up her Series regular Rob Bowman is (and co-writer) Chris Carter "We the series virtually guarantees good jumper". in the directors chair, so the usual thought we had to make it bigger, box office returns. 46 FILM 24 June 1998

THE BIG SUMMER PREVIEW LOST IN SPACE

Stars: William Hurt, Matt Le Blanc, Gary Oldman Director: Stephen Hopkins When: July 31

ith Saving Private Ryan ake one hit sixties sci-fi serial W the only big Hollywood T with a big cult following, ditch offering this month, it's the entire style of the original tie for all the indie films to emerge and, hey presto, you've got a sure from hiding ... Terry Gilliam meets fire hit on your hands - how many hunter S Thopmson to produce the times have we seen that premise in trippiest movie you've seen in recent years? years, Fear and Loathing In Las Looked at from an alternative Vegas. Jonny Depp plays the drug- point of view, Lost in Space fuelled writer, journeying across promises stunning visuals, big the mid-west in search of the explosions and a top class adrena American Dream .... Running it line rush. Once again, special close for the tittle of strangest con effects wizzardry has been pushed cept of the year is Velvet to new limits, including a robot Goldmine, a roadmovie following a which weighs in at one and a half Professor John Robinson (Hurt) and a slightly camp, decidedly non- 70's glam-rock band and starring tonnes, and is operated by eight his family are selected to be the scary villain. Here, he's a creepy Ewan McGregor and Eddie Izzard. people, and one member of the first family to colonise outer space. evil mastermind. In the original, the Personally, I can't wait .... Hot on cast who has been entirely com Just as they are beginning to settle robot was a shambolic, laughable it's heels comes Still Crazy, which puter generated. In the words of into work, their state-of-the-art object. Here it's a huge, imposing, follows the reunion of a glam rock director Hopkins "This makes the spacecraft (piloted by Friends star multi-million dollar creation. But group, twenty years after their effects a character within the film, LeBlanc) strays off course, hell - who cares about comparisons heyday. Billy Connolly, Stephen rather than an added layer on top marooning the Robinsons and their with the original. Lost in Space Rea and jimmy Nail star .... Back of the action". Hmmm. saboteur. Dr. Zachary Smith (a deli- promises huge effects and high on the mainstream path, Gibson The plot is roughly based on ciously hammy Gary Oldman). adventure - what more could you and Glover return in Lethal the the movies sixties namesake. Now, in the original Smith was possibly want? Weapon 4. Expect huge explo sions, massive body count and absolutely no pretensions of plot. Joe Pesci and Rene Russo also return .... Species 2 is this sum mer's other big studio sequel, with SAVING PRIVATE RYAN Natasha Henstridge returning as the killer alien babe. This time Stars: Tom Hanks, Matt Damon, around, the top scientists create a Tom Sizemore "good" Natasha to destroy a Director: Steven Spielberg Martian foe .... Richard When: September 11 Attenborough retreads the life of Elizabeth (the First, that is) with an ring together the most suc all-star cast including Cate cessful director in Blanchett and Eric Cantona. He B Hollywood history, one of suggests she wasn't the "Virgin the most popular A-list stars, and Queen" that history records, so this year's hottest new sensation. expect controversy .... What Rats Then roll them all into an intensely Won't Do is another British court patriotic war film, and what have room based entry .... With Elmore you got? Sure fire box-office gold, Leonard novels currently guaran that's what. teed box-office gold (Get Shorty, Jackie Brown) Out of Sight may Tom Hanks stars as the leader finally represent George Clooney's of a crack squad sent in to rescue break into the big-time. Steven the eponymous Private Ryan (Good Soderbergh (Sex, lies and Will Huntings Matt Damon), after Videotape) returns from the dead he is trapped behind enemy lines to direct .... The wonderfully titled during World War II. So why go to to find him and bring him home.... County Wexford, ireland, Saving Men With Guns charts the history such trouble to save one man in Clearly, this is going to be more Private Ryan promises a gritty, real of the Mexican guerrilla war, and is the midst of such a devastating of a tearjerker than a traditional istic depiction of World War II, with (somewhat impressively) delivered conflict? Well, the US government blood-and-guts war movie, but a huge budget allowing the D-Day in a mix of six different languages has discovered that three brothers with Spielberg's impeccable track landings to be fully utilised as a .... Strangest of all, Wesley Snipes have all died in battle, and their record in just about every genre backdrop to the supposedly true stars as the eponymous half-man mother will receive three notifica known to Hollywood, that's hardly story. Hopefully this should all half-vampire in Blade, looking to tions on the same day. But then cause for concern. finally add up to a big (and much avenge his mothers death at the they discover that there was a Filmed in Hertfordshire (in a needed) success for Spielberg's hands of Stephen Dorff. fourth brother - a fourth member of disused British Aerospace hangar) Dreamworks studio, breathing new the Ryan family. The call goes out and on location on the beaches of life into the war movie. 24 June 1998 FILM 47

THE BIG SUMMER PREVIEW ARMAGEDDON

Stars: Bruce Willis, Steve Buscemi, Liv Tyler, Ben Affleck Director: Michael Bay When: October oving into the colder s far as pointless action and months, the blockbusters violence is concerned, this is still keep on coming, with the big one. Jerry Mdestruction fest Armageddon pen ABruckheimer, producer of The cilled in for release .... Current US Rock, Con Air, Top Gun, Crimson sensation The Truman Show stars Tide and a hundred-and-one other Jim Carrey in his first "serious" adrenaline ride movies, teams up role. He is Truman Burbank, star of with The Rock director Bay to bring the world's most popular TV show you the undoubted winner of - but he doesn't know he's on TV. "Stupidest movie of the year, His entire life has all been a sham 1998". and his wife, his friends and his In a chain of events suspicious ic - but with an all star cast led by jaw dropping? parents are all actors .... Toy Story ly similar to Mimi Leder's Deep Bruce Willis, Steve Buscemi, Liv Obviously, if you're one of style effects return in Small Impact, scientists spot a meteor Tyler (somewhat bizzarely cast as those weirdos who doesn't think Soldiers, with Kirsten Dunst heading toward earth, threatening Willis' wife), current hot talent Ben ninety minutes of death, destruc caught-up in a war between two to obliterate mankind. Queue deep Affleck and a host of other familiar tion and mindless violence is worth factions of toy soldiers .... The miners Bruce Willis and Steve faces, how could they possibly fail? the price of admission, then you worrying prospect of a live action Buscemi climbing aboard a space This being a Bruckheimer pic should avoid Armageddon like the version of Cinderella hits the multi shuttle strapped to a nuclear mis ture, however, what really matters plague. But then you'd be missing plexes, with the unlikely casting of sile, to show a lump of rock the is the effects, and with a $ 100 mil out on the real point of summer Drew Barrymore as the much put- size of Texas that America's the lion budget combined with a plot releases - escapist entertainment, upon Cinders .... Hitchcock's Dial boss. which allows for mass devastation explosions and a complete m for Murder is remade as A Perfect Murder, with Andrew Of course, with no previous and an H-bomb strapped to billion absence of plot. After all, what's Davies (The Fugitive, Chain training as astronauts, these guys dollars of space hardware, how can the point of summer if you're not Reaction) in the director's chair. are going to have to be pretty hero Armageddon be anything less than going to relax and enjoy yourself? Gwyneth Paltrow stars in role Grace Kelly made her own .... John McTiernan (Die Hard) steps in to direct The 13th Warrior, the latest Michael Chrichton adaptation to SIX DAYS, SEVEN NIGHTS hit the big screen. Battles featuring Viking warriors taking on Neanderthal cannibals promises a Stars: Harrison Ford, Anne Heche, healthy gore quotient. And appar David Schwimmer ently it's all based on a true story Director: Ivan Reitman .... Disney puts a different spin on When: July 3 old folk tales with Mulan, an ancient Chinese tale given the ani his year, Harrison Ford - the mation treatment. Advance word T world's most reliable and suggests that the Mousedom may bankable star - lends his not finally be back on track after their inconsiderable talents to this recent shoddy efforts .... Nicholas knockabout comedy, as a pilot Cage is a rogue cop, forced to marooned on a desert island with shoot an awful lot of bad guys in high-and-mighty magazine editor order to save the day in Snake Anne Heche. Eyes, the latest from Brian de Heche is an ambitious decisive Palma .... As Bryan Singer's first New York girl, taking a week off stint in the director's chair since with her boyfriend in Tahiti. To jus the brilliant Usual Suspects, Apt tify the holiday, she agrees to help Pupil promises to be a source of her magazine out by covering a much media attention, particularly story on a neighbouring island. as it's adapted from a Stephen Enter the Fordster, the only pilot forced to put aside their antago Ellen DeGenres girlfriend) should King novel .... However, it's up available available, a laid-back nism in order to survive. As the see Six Days, Seven Nights firmly against serious horror opposition, heavy drinker with whom she days go by, they learn to like each ensconced in the box office charts, in the form The Exorcist, it's still shares a mutual dislike. But Heche other, until finally.... returning a happy profit. Moreover, banned on video, so see this has no choice and he can't refuse Of course, it all sounds utterly the promise of seeing Harrison object lesson in film-making while the money. predictable (and it probably is), but Ford try his hand at the style of you can .... Hugh Grant returns to And, of course, this being the that's hardly the point. The mix of lighthearted comedy preferred by the comedy fold in Mickey Blue movies, the plane then decides to Ford, sparky comedy, the regula director Reitman (the man behind Eyes. Hilarious consequences crash land on a remote island, tion action quotient and a bizzare Ghostbusters, Twins, Space Jam ensue when he discovers that his deep in the Pacific. Abandoned and combination of stars (Anne Heche etc.) is surely worth the price of girlfriend's dad is the Godfather. with no hope of rescue, the pair are is probably most famous for being admission alone. 48 BOOKS 24 June 1998

EXERCISE YOUR BRAIN THIS SUMMER:

SUMMERTIME, AND THE LIVING IS EASY WITH FLAGARANT DISREGARD FOR OUR WASTE YOUR PRECIOUS SUMMER ON.. SAINTS AND IMAGININGS SINNERS OF SAND Marcelle Bernstein Andre Brink

Janie Paxton, journalist and recent- N'kosi sikelel' i-Afrika. The lead-up ly divorced alcoholic, agrees to to the birth of the New South write the authorised biography of Africa was nothing if not traumatic. Madga Lachowska, the charasmat- Countless people, both black and ic spiritual leader of the Chalice. white, were killed in violent attacks Although Magda Lachowska, oth- on humanity and property. The erwise known as Mama, is consid- tension mounted as many of the ered a living saint in whose foot- old-style Afrikaners refused to steps lavander plants had been abandon their long held traditions. seen to bloom, Janie takes the job The men in particular felt a great- for other reasons. She sees the BITCH deal of resentment towards the opportunity of writing Mama's changes and towards the emerging biography as a means of making government. Despite the changes money and restoring her reputa- being obvious to everyone in the tion to its former glory. As Janie world, many denied that the black investigates Mama's background, Government would win. Back into discrepancies begin to emerge in this claustrophobic society came the offical version of Mama's his- Kristien, to care for her dying tory and Janie has to chose grandmother and to absorb her whether to listen to her instincts memories of their family history. and uncover the real story or not. BITCH Eleven years had passed since she NAMEDROPPER Bernstein's strength is her abil- ran away to England to escape her ity to create believable characters Elizabeth Wurtzel future, and she hadn't been back Emma Forrest and then develop those characters since. The book charts her accep- tance of her family and her history. throughout the novel, using flash- A lot of people (men) will buy this I've done the teen thing. It was fun This book is amazing. The story backs to keep the reader interest- book simply for the picture of the while it lasted, but was not an flows in an almost romantic way: ed. On the whole this is a very naked woman on the front. They experience I'd like to relive, so the stories of the velt fit beautifully good book, the kind to take on will then read it, and discover that reading this book about a self-pro- alongside the tensions of contem- holiday to read on the beach. If Bitch does not refer to a stripper claimed iconic sixteen year old was porary South Africa. Reading it that was the case I would happily with a penchant for doing it not always a pleasant experience. made me feel as if I was back in fork out the money for it but if not, "doggy style", but to the state of Viva Cohen has a blissful life the least tolerant and the most this is the kind of book I would women today. Elizabeth Wurtzel with her uncle, her lettuce-chewing beautiful country in the world. Buy enjoy taking out of the library. takes hundreds of examples of best friend, her favourite song and it, read it, love it. God bless Africa. Published by: Bantam Books. women who have suffered and her Elizabeth Taylor posters. After Out now presents them to us in this lucid Published by: Random House. the summer, she has a lot of collection of essays on modern Out now Elizabeth Taylor posters. Whenever women. She reminds us of the her life goes wrong, she turns to pain felt by poets such as Sylvia her Marilyn Monroe or Audrey Plath and Annie Sexton, of the ter- Hepburn posters for comfort and ror faced by Nicole Brown cries along to "The Boys of Simpson, and celebrates some of Summer" by Don Henley. She's the most infamous women in his- also a neurotic, paranoid, spoilt tory, defending their outsize brat, who prefers to be thought of desires, describing their exquisite as an icon, rather than to do any- loneliness, championing their take- thing to merit it. She dreams of no-prisoners approach to life and how she'd commit suicide, has a to love. distaste for sex, (although she Thanks to their past sufferings, never really gets any offers), trav- this is the first time in history that els to America with her slightly a woman can exist as a viable enti- successful rockstar friend and gen- ty without the support of a man. erally daydreams her way through Hooray for feminism and down life, until she's brought down to lilt!* with the rotters, they're all bas- Earth with a bump. tards. A good book to read and The book is funny and quite then talk about. At length. Loudly. touching in parts, good but not Not for the boys though. great, and an enjoyable read whilst Published by: Quartet. Out bored. SAINTS & now Published by: Arrow Books. SIINJ INI E .t^S 24 June 1998 BOOKS 49 ^jd READ MORE BOOKS

DEGREES, THE FELIX BOOKS TEAM HAVE COMPILED A LIST OF THE BEST BOOKS TO

TRYIN' TO TWO FOR THE . .: . .... C FRF.LIS

SLEEP IN THE LIONS BLOOMS BED YOU MADE Lindsay Davis AT m NIGHT This is the latest bestseller in the DeBerry Grant MM Marcus Didius Falco series. § This book is terrible. Basically, it's Devotees will know what to wammm pulp fiction from the States where expect, as Falco, Helena Justina all the characters are black people and julia Justinilla travel to North H making an impression on a pre- Africa to unravel the mysterious dominantly white US society. This death of a champion criminal eat- is the only good thing about the ing lion, in company with Famia, book; it touches on the miserable Falco's alcoholic brother-in-law, life that poor people can have in Thalia, the super-tough circus the slum-suburbs of New York. In manager and Jason the sleepy itself the book is well written, with python. Whilst they're there, they a good ear for street slang and uncover scandalous behaviour in vaguely realistic characters, but is the gladiator world. ultimately let down by the slushy Will Camillus Justinus, Helena's plot. There's loads of action in the younger brother, end up skewered book; fires, deaths, abortions, by the gladiator with the large marriages, all hurriedly dealt with. spear? Will Falco manage to solve The two soul sisters both discover the crimes before the Emperor the hollowness of love and the Vespasian loses patience and emptiness of their dreams, it isn't PARADISE recalls him to Rome? Will Falco CEREUS BLOOMS just blood that makes women sis- manage to lose his partner ters. As I said, this book is really Toni Morrison Ancrites without incurring the AT NIGHT poor. wrath of his mother? It's very readable, however; This is a very difficult book, explor- It's worth reading if you're a Shani Mootoo much to my irritation I couldn't put ing our views on race, gender and fan, and is very enjoyable. If you it down, I read it on the bus, at the void between good and evil. haven't read anything by Lindsay This is not a book 1 would have vol- meals, in lectures, between tutori- Four women are shot dead by nine Davis, then it won't really appeal to untarily chosen. It is an unusual als, whenever 1 had a moment. 1 men in a seemingly unprovoked you. Anyone with only a glancing book about love, separation and even stayed up late to finish it, and attack. Were they shot because interest in Ancient Rome or crime alienation. The plot is twisted, with I haven't done that in a long time. they are evil, because the men fiction will enjoy this series: the a small town feel, where everyone This is a beach or airport novel, not want to suppress any women who first is The Silver Pigs and is avail- knows everyone else, and doesn't as serious read, it's light, frothy, stand out from the crowd, or able in paperback from Century have that high an opinion of him or pleasant with a feel-good ending, because they are willfully mis- Books. her. but is ultimately a terrible book. understood by a small town who Published by: Century. Out in As everyone knew, Mala Published by: Bantam. Out like to remain blinkered? There are hardback now Ramchandin was mad, and most now no easy answers to these ques- people were slightly afraid of her. tions, and the book doesn't insult No one ever bothered to discover our intelligence by providing any. the reason for her madness, except This is Toni Morrison's first for Tyler, the only male nurse on book since winning the Nobel Prize the island, with his uncomfortable for Literature in 1993 and is a reg- feeling of being in the wrong body. ular four de force. She writes with He narrates this evocative story of amazing clarity and fluency, and sexual and mental abuse, of one her ideas are beautifully woman's slow collapse into total expressed. Right from the first sen- insanity. tence, (They shoot the white girl :;0:«t;;::-:: This is a sensitive and thought- first), we are flung into a difficult ful book, dealing delicately with and dangerous world, full of controversial issues such as father- inequalities both between races daughter incest, exploring gender and sexes. By forcing us to con- identity and violence in a celebra- front our own racism, she presents tion of the capacity to love, and to us with a challenging read which is survive despite immense cruelty ultimately extremely enjoyable. and black despair. Unfortunately, Published by: Chatto &. the plot rather tails out, leaving one Windus. Out now in hardback with a strong sense of disappoint- ment. Published by: Granta Books. Out: August 50 ARTS 24 June 1998 PLAY REVIEWS

COPENHAGEN Cottesloe Theatre, National Theatre

es, that's right fellow IC stu- mythical character known as the Matthew Marsh as Werner actions: had he deliberately lost his Y dents: a play (n. dramatic Typical IC Student. Another reason Heisenberg). Director Michael fellow-Germans the War and been piece or performance) about why you should be interested is Blakemore keeps it simple and a traitor to the Nazis, or was he not Heisenberg. In a theatre on the that the play deals with issues direct - for me, this is what theatre such a brilliant scientist after all and South Bank. At last - an arty farty which are directly concerned with is about. truly believed that the building of a event which you can go to without the consequences of what we all So what exactly did happen nuclear bomb was impractical? the risk of shedding your "boring, do. As well as raising such ethical that evening in 1941? Perhaps we Either way, he didn't end up with apathetic scientist" label. On the questions it also confronts the exis- shall never know. Michael Frayn the blood of many tens of thou- evening I went the presence of a tential issues which concern Man's seems to exhaust all of the con- sands on his hands. large number of physicists in the place on this planet and what dri- ceivable possibilities during the The other factor raised by the audience was indeed quite appar- ves his pioneering spirit. course of the play. Heisenberg and play is the extent to which ent, but don't let that put you off. If it sounds like the play might Bohr themselves attempted to find Heisenberg was aware of his own Copenhagen is the new play by be quite intense at times then that's some common ground in the mat- intentions at the time. When look- Michael Frayn which concerns itself because it is. There is no skirting ter during a later meeting in 1947 ing into oneself one comes up with the meeting between around or dumbing down of the but, according to Heisenberg, "we against limitations on what one can Heisenberg and Bohr in science involved which makes me both came to feel that it would be observe and know; one then Copenhagen during the autumn of wonder how the non-scientists better to stop disturbing the spirits becomes restricted in being able to 1941. What was actually said dur- found it. One's attention is con- of the past." It is on this point that measure or judge accurately what ing that visit and do we really care? stantly engaged and, by the end, 1 Michael Frayn departs from the his- is going on. Rather like the theories in answer to the latter question, felt mentally quite exhausted. This torical record and in this meeting about the nature of scientific mea- the play's suggestion that this is not only due to the dramatic and they do disturb them further. The surement proposed by certain meeting affected the course of his- intelligent text but the committed contempt with which Heisenberg physicists earlier this century. tory, in particular the effect on the and totally absorbing acting (Sara was treated after the war seems to Stephen Tarlton Nazis' atomic programme, should Kestelman and David Burke as be a bit harsh since he faced a arouse the curiosity of even that Margrethe and Niels Bohr, and dilemma in trying to explain his

THE TAMING OF THE SHREW A CHORUS OF Courtyard Theatre DISAPPROVAL Dramsoc

s this is my first review, 1 felt Moynihan, is an example of how edge to the play. Some will argue hat I wanted to do, and A lucky that in my debut as a changed the play is - Petruchio that the adaptations and modifica- W intended to do, was "critic" (how grand!) I saw a brags about the fact that he will tions, which did fundamentally write a glowing review of play that I enjoyed. I found the break the women whom no other alter the very essence of the play, Dramsoc's excellent performance treatment I received from the peo- man is able to. Yet in this produc- are not justified within the text. It of this play, slyly being rude about ple at the CourtYard so polite it tion, he seemed to be less bragging may be said that The Taming Of the almost type-casting, and prais- bordered on embarrassing. 1 was about his forthcoming conquest, The Shrew is either about the ing them to the skies in rose-tinted spoken to individually, being told and more attempting to convince breaking of the strong female or prose. A whole page feature on that "the House is now open sir", himself that he had not bitten off nothing. 1 am not approaching this those talented and dedicated given a free drink and a whole more than he can chew, giving the on literary grounds, whether or not actors, who also happen to be a bunch of blurb about the cast. The play a more comic flavour. At the the adaptation was "artistically jus- bunch of scientists and engineers, reason that this made me feel finish, after much sparring with tified" (whatever that means), all 1 complete with pictures and names oddly awkward was the fact that I fierce Katherina, played by say is that it held my attention and of the stars. What I end up doing, am only a farty student who has Michaele Cussen, he manages to made me laugh; 1 never felt that it however, is sitting at 8pm on the done a Theatre A level and am now obtain her affection. It always, was at all contrived. The company day before the entire paper's due damning or praising the extreme however, remains clear that he grabbed hold of the play and kicked to be printed desperately trying to hard work of twenty people as my respects her and she respects him. it in to a shape acceptable to a fufill my promise in the two inches mood takes me. But, given that 1 In short this light adaptation was modern audience; a Fringe Theatre of column space I have left. am a farty student, I will tell you fun, pacey and witty. recommendation. There's just enough room to men- tion my favourite moments: why 1 liked this play. (It had nothing The Courtyard Theatre has a The production had the kick Daffydd and Raymond improvising to do with the free drink.) lovely setting. The small theatre and spark which is only possible over the lighting, Bridget and Linda The Taming Of The Shrew does opens out on to a courtyard (hence when the cast are bouncing off half-killing each other over Crispin, not hold dear to it's heart the ideas the name) and its size and spacing each other, communicating well Enid's singing, the costumes, the of equality or even the slightest make the action intimate and and having a great time. So if, like music, the set and the intentional- respect for women, it was interest- intense rather than in-your-face me, you have ever had the yearning ly(?) amateurish choreography. ing to observe how the production and intimidating. The whole play in your heart to enter the unpre- coped with this problem of show- was set in front of a Cafe in rural dictable, exotic world of drama and Congratulations Dramsoc, it ing a modem audience ancient, Padua, very realistically designed sod the sensible science degree, was very good, good luck for next even offensive, ideals and ideas. and built. The costumes and props well be warned - seeing this will time, and stop complaining, I Their method was through a sub- were suitable and colourful. make you wish that you had. wrote you an embarrassingly gush- stantially adapted script, the work The production never attempt- Ben Fisher ing preview. of Phil Willmott. The character of ed to be more than it was, always (Pay what you can on Sunday Julia Petruchio, played by Dean smoothing over what is a nasty nights) 24 June 1998 ARTS 51

DANCING GALLERIES ALAIN PLATEL'S LES BALLETS C DE LA B: LETS OP BACH Queen Elizabeth Hall

few weeks ago 1 wrote opera singers, the dancers of sion in this guy's work. The emo mundo". (I love everyone) about the exciting dance course and the odd circus number tion is so present in the way the The dancers are absolutely per A season in London and gave too. dancers move: they are complete fect, the ideas in the choreography a little advice on the best compa The scene takes place in some actors. I have rarely seen such fas so inventive. The singing and music nies to go and see. One of these kind of garden with chairs, a pad cinating performers. They seem to work very well with this. Platel has was Alain Platel's Les Ballets C de la dling pool, sun beds on the roof of be suffering in their own souls. The created a piece with extraordinary B, from Ghent in Belgium. the house...a very down to earth, scenes, at times, are hilarious, for impact, both visually and emotion He was over here in May last simple surrounding. The small example when they all start danc ally making us laugh and cry, watch year with his work La Tristeza orchestra mark the beginning by ing on "One of us" sung by Prince, in disgust and admiration. He is a Complice: one of the most incredi playing a very emotional piece cre led by a very tall black man in drag. true artist, one of that rare kind, like ble things 1 have ever seen. It had ating a very palpable sense of Although comic is never far away, it Maurice Bejart, who can make an amazing success all over beauty and serenity. As they finish, always depicts the saddest things, dance exciting and innovative, Europe. Dance fans have been the chaos starts: the dancers the desperation these people are within our context, yet giving his eagerly expecting his latest offer appear, all in different shapes, feeling, the lack of communication, ideas such space to breathe and to ing. Well, this is no disappoint colours and ages along with two the loneliness. Platel shows life as it mature. If you weren't there last ment, in fact it goes a step further cute little girls. From then on and is: an endless isolated struggle. At week, then do look out for Platel's than La Tristeza Complice. until the end, Alain Platel stages one point, the four women end up next visit to London. This is not It's called Lets op Bach. It's in life: the interactions between screaming political slogans at the pretentious and inaccessible art. the same vein with a mix of all sorts human beings, life in a group, audience, with a very funny refer Anyone with a taste for something of arts: Bach's music played by a friendships, and relationships. ence to Kofi Annan, before letting a a little different will love it. group of eight musicians, three There is such a strong sense of pas little girl say: "yo quiero a todo el D.

THE CANON PHOTOGRAPHY GALLERY MATERIAL The Victoria & Albert Museum WORLD inventions: the French Daguerreo They have recreated for us Helen Science Museum type, an image on polished metal Chadwick's "The Oval Court". It is and the English counterpart, which extremely interesting to look at, aterials may sound like was to become photography as we very different but quite powerful. J% #1 the most boring course know it (with the idea of a "nega Using a Canon photocopier, she I ^/ 1 on Earth and one can tive"). The first steps seem to be has made a cycle out of several only take so much talk about con quite focused on landscapes and self-portraits in different positions, crete from Civil Engineers but the buildings and then quite a few pic including little animals and fruit. It latest exhibition in the Science tures of the colonies, mainly India. feels likes her interpretation of Museum is of genuine relevance to The interests of the Victorian era.... what it is to be a woman. Finally, every degree discipline. On show As we progress in time, the we are offered some of the most are some stunning examples of subject gets more interesting and recent ideas in photography, haute couture using the latest arti famous names like Carrier-Besson, including a return to the sources by ficial materials, including a dress Man Ray and Bill Brandt begin to Adam Fuss. He uses primary tech made from a plastic with the prop appear developing very personal niques with a 20th century twist to erties of paper, part of a collection themes with apparition of the it. David Hockney demonstrates commissioned for Bjork. Motor model as object of beauty and way the possibilities of mixing photog bike fiends will be surprised to see of experimenting (a beautiful por raphy and painting and there are a the racing leathers that protected trait of Lee Miller). The pre-war few other original things there. Carl Fogarty from a 1 OOmph crash n all their leaflets, the V&A have days also bring a more political I seem to have now convinced during the World Super Bike trials, been saying they own "one of aspect to photography, with pic myself, after all, that this gallery is though you do need to look close the finest collections if the art tures of Africa This has continued very good. 1 thought there would ly to spot the scuffing. Perhaps the I to be one of the many faces of this most visually striking exhibit, which photography in the world". So be much more. There will be noth off 1 went to check this big state art: there is a very emotional photo ing new for most people but it's still will make it into the next edition of ment out. My expectations were of a black girl and a white boy nice to have 140 years of photog the Guinness Book of Records, is a very high and I had imagined I was together in South Africa taken in raphy in such a small place. This is giant molecular model of diamond. going to see the most breathtaking 1964 by David Goldblatt. a great addition to the art scene in It is intriguing that as you change display of photos I had ever seen. The 70's go even further into London and we can only hope viewing angle, moire patterns play Well I must admit that I was a the experimental vein with an there will be plenty more later. over the surface, more a work of art than science. Finally, I truly little disappointed by the whole amazing portrait of Francis Bacon D. thing, although there is some great by John Deakin. It is also time for hope that the touchy-feely exhibit, art on show. The gallery follows the further explorations into fashion giving comparisons between natur first steps of photography as early with people like David Bailey. In the al and man made materials, does as 1839 up to the latest cutting last rooms of the exhibition, the n't get the animal rights lobby too edge ideas by artists such as Adam V&A seems to have concentrated excited. It only looks like three C Fuss. The "New Art"" room expos more on the odd and wonderful otters worth es the two major photographic things made in the past decade. \ Peter R.H. produce a car with fast accel Every once in a while the eration and top speed hut driving game leaps another absolutely no cornering or level up the evolutionary lad breaking ability - basically the der. Sometimes these little saloon version of the |ordan leaps are unnoticed, rather Fl car. With the Dual Shock pad you feel each rumble N64. They are not perfect and . : .... strip and judder as the car they die unnoticed and with credits and a series of open Bucks under acceleration and out descendants. In others breaking. It is simply the best these leaps are shouted from though, that's where console racing game - until its fhe postei credits will purchase a basic except here you race the car, descendants arrive. attiact attention and their lin- Gary Smith earage is guaranteed. This is tion does handle differently. It

PC HARDWARE REVIEW SIDEWINDER FORCE FEEDBACK PRO

Microsoft £130 * * provide the same experience you would expect from an arcade ln this world there are joysticks and game. then there are joysticks like this Don't worry that you might one. At £130 pounds it is probably have invested money on something the most expensive single stick that will not work for anything else, package available. Why so expen most of your favourite games have sive? Is it gold plated? Will it make at least some controls that can be games easier to play? Well neither responded to. X-wing Vs Tie- but the hint is in the title. Where Fighter was brilliant as your fighter the Nintendo and the Playstation bucks and reponds to the world controllers vibrate away happily on around you. But 1 suppose the big batteries when you get hit or shoot £130 question, is it worth it? As a at something, this caged tiger plugs toy yes, as a gamers tool no. For directly into the mains. The joystick the same money you can buy some responds to pretty much everything serious sound and graphics hard and this is shown in the demon ware and a cheap £20-30 joystick stration games. One of these that will control the same games. games, Interstate '76 - the 'Mad But I've already got a good enough Max'-style car war driving game, graphics and sound card. I think it's responds not only to what weapon a hoot, an expensive pointless hoot - perhaps that's the point. you are firing and what weapon is of grip you experience if you corner precision shot through the side firing upon you, but what road con too quickly. It does not make the window of your car is almost Gary Smith ditions are and slope you are game easier by any means, being impossible on anything but the driving on. It also reacts to the loss jolted as you attempt to make a smoothest of roads. What it does is 24 June 1998 GAMES 53

PC 2D & 3D GRAPHICS HARDWARE MORE GAMES

VIPER 330 TREASURES Diamond Multimedia, £69 it it it-k OF THE DEEP In the dark distant past PCs 128bit NVIDIA Riva 128 with a 230 Namco, Playstation it it it it bleeped their way through low-res- MHz RAMDAC - impressive speci- olution games. First the soundcard fications. The 4MB onboard Diving suits, sharks, submarines removed the bleeping and added memory allows you to run resolu- and really excellent 3D graphics. FM music; millions of soundcards tions of 1600x1200 at 65,000 and run them at speed. Even on a Treasures from the Deep has were then sold. Next high resolu- colours at a high refresh rates Pentium 120 resolution changes pretty much everything including tion graphics cards allowed us to 85Hz. The 2D performance is not didn't really compromise the high excellent strategy/action game- play games with decent graphics. especially fast compared for 2D frame rates. Tomb Raider 2 was play. As a navy seal you have to Now the 3D accelerated graphics cards. However, PC Magazine's tested using resolutions from complete a series of missions card seem to be following the same tests showed that it is within 12% 320x200 to 800x600. from the shallows of the path as games start to demand a of the 2D/3D leader, the Matrox Where the Viper 330 has a real Caribbean using wet suits and 3D card. These graphics cards Millenium II. edge is in price. At the sub-£100 chariots to the deep sea antics of come in two main groups, the pure This card though is not opti- level it beats the other 2D/3D cards the Arctic oceans. Fortunately 3D accelerator cards and the more mized for the graphical "school run hands down, makin it an affordable decompression sickness is not a general 2D/3D cards. The differ- and shopping trip" but it is the 3D hot hatchback. At this price it also feature as you soon afford proper ence between the two groups can performance where the card is seri- competes against the older pure subs. Against you, the denizens of generally be compared to the dif- ously good. The image quality is 3D cards. Here the car analogy is | the deep, along with an army of ference between owning a sports almost up to 3Dfx level (the current back again - while everyone would divers and their submarines. On car or a hot hatchback. Everyone top sportster) and though there love a sports car on their drive your side your basic weapon, a knows that a sports car will gener- were the odd incorrect polygon sometimes your head has to rule spear gun might seem a bit wet, ally beat the hatchback, but the clipping errors, they were not your heart and you buy the hot- but soon you will be buying nets, hatchback is something you can enough to irritate. It doesn't sup- hatch because it is almost perfect. torpedoes and homing missiles to use everyday. So hatchback test port Glide (the low-level interface Anyway you can always buy that even the odds. Take too many tor- number one, the Viper 330. Is it supported by 3Dfx cards and used sports car later and so too with the pedoes or air though and you Peugeot 306 Gti or MG metro in many games) but is able to run pure 3D card. have no extra capacity for bonus turbo? some openGL (ie. quake) and all Gary Smith treasure found near wrecks but The Viper 330 is powered by a DirectX (ie. Tomb raider 2) games, take too little and you are shark bait. The graphics are crisp, and GAME REVIEW the distance fogging removes most of the nasty pop-up events. The fish and sharks also show to this. There are two ways of animation moved linearly upwards some intelligence (or lack of it). MEN IN BLACK scrapping, both dreadful to con- then downwards, with normal Fish tend to mind their own busi- trol, one being 'stand still and kick gravitic motion effects abandoned SouthPeak Interactive, ness while sharks are attracted by them in the shins until they die' mercilessly. Making use of any- blood - either yours or someone PC / Playstation DO StdTS and the other being shooting them thing requires camp arm-waving else's. So don the wet suit and from long range (you miss from for several seconds in the vague snare, shoot and maim but avoid With, I believe, the slimmest anything shorter then about six direction of the object like Kenneth the endangered species because exceptions of Batman, Indiana feet). Enemies have no intelligence Williams chastising a small child they're not big or clever. Jones and the Last Crusade and whatsoever, running straight with a light slap around the ear. the odd Star Wars titles, games towards you and crouching, But less funny. The puzzles are not Gary Smith under film licences are unadulter- punching badly in the direction even slightly challenging, relying ated, indefensible slurry. Et, quelle they crouched in, allowing even exclusively on a drab combination surprise, here we are with Men in the least experienced gamer to run of tricks and oh-so obvious clues, after the first couple of glitches. To Black. Maybe this would be the behind them and boot them up the and suffering from the dreaded give a little bit of credit, the art- one? The mould breaker? Could arse. The animation - mentioned find-the-pixel disease. I'm afraid work on the backgrounds was well Southpeak Interactive be the ones before - is astonishingly bad. When that seemed incurable. The inten- executed, notably the competent to pull Men in Black out of the the character jumps it is an undis- tional "humour" is stretched at and stylish vistas and movie-faith- cesspool? Well, no. guised rehash of the walking best, the unintentional more so ful attention to detail. The point of It all looked bad from the start; view, a Resident Evil style third very slick menu system, expensive perspective was a good idea for TV adverts, MiB cartoon influences the game, but the effect was in the intro sequence; just not spoiled by slightly obtuse camera what you'd want. And then the angles. You can change characters game. You (Will Smith) investigate once you've completed the first a break-in a New York apartment level and are indoctrinated in the building. At least you do when you MiB, but it doesn't change the persuade your at fuck-utterly badly gameplay a touch. You are still a animated irritation of a character badly animated, witless and infuri- to point in the right direction at the atingly stupid figure, be you a thin door handle. Progressing through black man (Smith), a stocky white the door, you are greeted by the man (Tommy Lee Jones), or a piss-poor sample "Som'in tells me poorly pixelated and overly wide this mus' be da place". And that is female (apparently Linda the best in the game. The objec- Fiorentino). tive, I learn, is to kill the baddies A complete waste of time, and disarm the bomb. Ah yes, a money and licence. Arse, arse, fight scene. I was looking forward in arse. Jon Trout 54 TWO SHORT STORIES 24 June 1998

wo kids were playing with a rub- "Err. Well. Yes... Um. 1 hope that you can do wide screen, Windows." The customer frowned ber ball. They were standing out- that" he laboured it out. Tittering nervously at and made a weak attempt at looking stern. T side a hi-fi shop, it was winter, the end. Mr Skanket answered fiercely, "This isn't right, I need an organiser. And cold &. crisp, usual winter stuff. One of the kids "Do what? What can I do for you?" This would you kindly sell me one or 1 will leave the caught the ball and threw it hard at the ground threw the customer. He wasn't that old, maybe shop." Mr Skanket looked tired. towards his friend. He was on the pavement and senility struck early in his family. He tittered "This is an organiser. See." With a fat finger it was frozen solid, the ball bounced high off the again. Then with another burst of courage, he typed 'WIN' onto the screen. Windows duly sheet black ice, across the front of the shop. "It's for my sister, she writes poems and I'm appeared. looking for an organiser for her. An electronic "Now, put your finger on the pad and move The shop was like many of the breed scat- one, not too expensive... " He trailed off into the pointer here." The man looked red but put a tered around London. Small, cramped but well silence. The store keeper got off his stool and thin finger onto the black roller pad. The store lit and with enough stock to fill a supermarket. walked stiffly around the counter. keeper clicked the button for him and some And it was by supermarket rules it operated, organiser program was loaded. well the cheap ones anyway. The owner was a "I show you what I have got." "There, see." The customer muttered mute- Mr Skanket. A short, brown fat man. Dark eyes, ly but Mr Skanket was not going to be stopped piercing, no bullshit sort. He knew almost noth- He passed close to the customer, standing now, ing about hi-fis, in fact before coming into own- by each other the old man despite his stoop "You say your sister writer poetry, well look. ership of this property he worked selling win- stood a good foot taller. Inspite of this he Look." He loaded the word processor. "Modern dows, which he was equally good at. What he seemed to have no presence at all. To hardly technology. Isn't it wonderful." really knew about was people, he knew, as you take up any room in the shop. He shuffled mis- "That it maybe," the victim muttered, "but say, what makes them tick. Particularly how am I to afford it?" he knew about the English. The English he "You want to know the price?" loved, he might have been English him- "Yes. That would be good of you." self or Asian, it didn't matter. He was a Mr Skanket ignored the answer different breed. What he loved about the and looked into the box. "Let me English and particularly the older 'more show you this first. With it you get English' generation was their politeness, this." He pulled out an instruction their manners and their mannerisms. An manual. "I give this to you free, oth- Englishman if he is a gentleman can't say ers wouldn't. I do. And this, here is 'bullshit' when you tell him some second the battery, 'long lasting' a special rate piece of junk , second hand in a car model." boot sale is the latest technology. An Englishman will say 'really, is that so?' The man looked away, perhaps and do his best to believe. He knows he's for means of escape. He looked at his being ripped off, he knows you are going watch. as slowly as possible, making him waste "For you 1200 pounds." The your time, but to contradict you would be blotchy man looked down and half impolite. It would break that code which stepped away. he hangs his whole life on. If you swear, "I really must be going now. Its say 'shit' or 'fuck' or even 'you stupid late and surely you should shut your arse wipe, get a life, go get laid, do shop." something. For fucks sake stop pretend- "I keep it open for you. 1200 ing you're so god damned self con- pounds. What is wrong? Is it the trolled.' He'll say 'Hold on a minute, price?" But the man dragged himself don't you dare use that sort of language away. "I must go." on me'. And storm out. However play by "Just tell me. You don't like the the rules, loosely maybe but go by them and erably as Mr Skanket rolled around him and bent price?" you'll be fine. Fine, fine, fine. down to open one of the glass cases. He The man shuffled a bit. "It is rather a lot." reached inside and pulled out a large box from "I tell you what." He picked a box of disks So it was unsurprising when the middle many stacked in a helter-skelter pattern, giving off the counter. "I give you these. I throw them aged, weather beaten, pink, thin to the point of the impression of a monkey's attempt at Tetris. in. Worth 20 pounds. Buy today. I'm in a good wasted, balding with white hair swept across, He laboured the box back across the shop to his mood. I give you 10% off too, £1000. How half mooned glasses, old tweed suited man desk. The retch shuffled around keeping his about it?" The man returned to the counter. peered through the glass, Mr Skanket was eyes on the proprietor at all times. "It's really too much. I'm not a wealthy pleased to see him. Mr Skanket showed his "Here, this is what 1 have for you", he said man." gratitude by starting to scribble numbers on a shaking the personal computer from its foam "Well maybe we can make a deal. It's too pad in front of him. The bell rang loudly and Mr prison. The man stammered, much you say. Your sister like music. See, CD Skanket looked up. The man looked from the "I'm not sure you understand me, that's far ROM attachment. It can play music." open door, into the shopkeepers eyes, for a full too much." "She loves music." half second and then quickly looked down. "This! This. Too much. Let me show you." "You want a CD ROM. I get you one" He Embarrassed he started to work his way around The old man opened his mouth to protest, then walked purposely across the shop and returned the shop. There wasn't far to go so the shop- closed it again. with another box. "CD ROM normally £500 keeper waited for the inevitable. The man The store keeper found the catch and pounds, with the computer only £200." looked up, perhaps to see some of the products opened the lid of the lap top. The thing came on The customer watched, almost rooted to more than a foot above the ground, but he with a bleep. No doubt surprising both men the spot, while the charade of setting up the looked up and caught Mr Skanket's eye. Both of equally. He turned the machine so it faced the diskman took place. Mr Skanket pressed play them. shrinking customer on the other side of the and tinny Strauss floated out of the machine and desk. across the shop. The man was visibly "Can I help you sir?" He put down the "Here." He read from the box. "Personal impressed. papers firmly. computerised, Pentium processor, 60 MHz, 24 June 1998 TWO SHORT STORIES 55

"Gosh," he increased his stoop and pressed f f w t's all a complete disaster." I'm bel- normal activity for me and Brigit. his face towards the screen. "And you say you j lowing hysterically down the phone. We're the two youngest in a family of can write on it." four and having been despised by my two "You can indeed, Sir." Bridget's conciliatory. "Its not that bad. older and eviller sisters - from which we stole The man tapped a finger tentatively towards Nothing that happens to you it is THAT bad." the limelight, inheritance, chocolate biscuits it, pressing a key. The music stopped. "It is. And it's worse." I exclaim wildly. from -has pretty much made us into soul "Oh God," the man mocked with a forced "She hates me and with good reason. She mates. levity, "I hope I haven't broken it." Mr Skanket hates me cos I'm stupid and cos I'm a crap I can't talk to my parents about sex. Dad played along, shag." never even got as far as to tell me about the "Oh no sir, here." The music started. I pause. This is out of control. birds and the bees. I don't quite know why "And how much was it?" A note of cunning "You had one bad session. So what it hap- not. Maybe he was shy, more likely he just for- in the voice now, pens, it happens all the time. It's happened to got. He probably realised I'd get much more Mr Skanket took up a large calculator that me often enough. Perhaps you just don't fancy intimate knowledge than he could provide, inhabited his bench and typed numbers into it. her. courtesy Mr Heffner. I certainly can't talk to "I'm in a good mood today. It's Christmas after God my sister's stupid; I should never take my friends. They just give advice on the basis all." He caught the customers eye. "With the any problems to her. She always has a really for the size of her cleavage. Anything less than CD ROM and disks £1350. Cash, excluding obvious explanation that leaves me feeling 34C. Whatever it is she's done (taken me to VAT." trivial and silly. Or worse she just tells me Paris, bought me a car), it was unforgivable The old man looked at his hands. "I'll give something a hundred times worse that hap- and she should be dispatched on the first train you £1000. And you can keep those." He pened to her the day before. Don't get me to let's-be-friends land. If they're bigger than a pointed to the disks. The store keeper looked wrong, I mean I love her to death and every- double D she's wonderful and I should put up heavenward. "One thousand. It cost me more than that. My lowest offer £1250, that's £100 off."

The man reached into his top pocket and quickly pulled out his wallet. With the grim smile of one who has won a battle of wills, hard fought.

"Twelve hundred and fifty it is then, do you accept cheques?"

The nod was to the ascent. The frail man laboured over the writing, ending in a clear prestigious Mr Locker.

"I'm afraid I don't have a bank card, will an address do?" "Of course, of course. Now you must be getting on." Mr Skanket looked at his watch sternly. "Look at the time." Mr Locker after his moment of glory shrunk back into his shell. thing. It's just I don't want solutions. 1 just with anything and everything. Then go shag "Yes, yes. I'm so sorry." want some sympathy and for her to tell me I'm her. So Bridget was my only source of sympa- "Sure, sure, let me help you with these." wonderful and everyone else sucks. thy, sort of. "Maybe I'm gay," I suggest. That should "Tom she sounds nice. Why don't talk to The storekeeper piled the equipment back mix it up a bit. "That's why I haven't had sex her about it, let her know your worried." "Yeah in its boxes, remembering the disks but forget- for ages, and when I do I don't come and then great idea 'Hey, Rachael. Shagging you was a ting to put the discman in. He handed Mr wish I hadn't bothered." bit crap the other night. I was thinking it was Locker the pile and bundled him out towards "Tom you haven't had a ride for yonks cos because I don't fancy you that much. What do the door. you never meet any women and you had a you think?' Slap, dump." crap shag cos your willy's been out of use for "If you're so smart why ask me anything?" So when Mr Locker left the shop. Laden so so long it's probably forgotten what it's there "Why indeed you big dumb arse?" high with boxes he could hardly see the path he for. It probably thinks its a carrying handle, or "Look don't get arsy with me, just because walking on. He was wearing a strange smile, a a pink banana. Or a loofer." you can't perform in the sack" look even of deep satisfaction. Perhaps it was "A loofer?" "Yeah, just because I don't spend my brought on by a sudden infusion of Yule tide "Ok, forget the loofer bit." whole time horizontal surfing with every dolt I spirit, or perhaps the simple pleasure of seeing Now she was enjoying this. Christ I ask for meet." children play brought back memories of his sympathy and just become the centre of "You just wish you did" Double bitch, she youth. But had Mr Skanket seen it he would amusement. had an answer for everything have detected something else there, something "Oh, its ok for you to laugh. You're a girl, "Ok, ok. I'll just end it. Say I need to spend else entirely. you can have sex whenever you want to. And some time by myself. Or alternatively I could you don't even have to do any thing . You just take sex lessons." The ball whistled through the air and hit Mr lie there." "You can have sex lessons? Fine take them, Locker squarely on the top of his bald head. "That the case is it? Who've you been just stop wingeing so much. I'm going. See sleeping with?" you adopted one." But he always knew it, like the cheque, "Bugger off, you know what I mean. " "See you drunken mistake" would bounce. Bitch. I hate her. And people ask me why my love life's on Before you get all weird on me and think the rocks. I'm a social deviant I'd better explain. This is 24 June 19

DIVERSIONS FOR THOSE ABOUT THE CAPITAL THIS SUMMER

film! theatrfilel ^H^^^^^^^H SSS^^^l^^ Money Mark + Sean .GLASTONBURY JULY Closer by Patrick Marber JUNE SUMMER HIGHLIGHTS: Lennon Pulp + Blur + Tricky + Six Days, Seven Nights at the Lyric Theatre, Lucian Freud at the Tate La Costa Nosta @ 25 June. Astoria, £10 Nick Cave + Primal 3 July. Stars Harrison WM Shaftesbury Avenue, WC2 Gallery, Millbank, SW1, Camden Palace, Camden. Jah Wobble Scream + Underworld + Ford, thus excellent. jm Tube: Piccadilly Circus Tube: Pimilico Admission Sat 18 July. The cream of 26 June, Islington Spiritualized ++ City of Angels Performance Times: Mon- ^H^HLintil 26 July UK Garage DJs. In the International festival, £ 10 26 - 28 June Worthy 10 July. Stars Meg Ryan & 1 Sat at 7,30pm, Wed & Sat main arena Back 2 Back Bob Dylan + Van Farm, Pilton, Sold out - Nicholas Cage at 3pm Ticket Prices: Summer Exhibition at the Specials from : The Dreem Morrison climb fence Godzilla £7.50 - £27,50 (evenings), Royal Academy of Arts, Teem : Mikee B - Spoony 27 June, Wembly, £30 July 17. Stars Matthew £ 10-£ 15 (matinees) Piccadilly, Wl, Tube- - Timmi Magic. Plus loads Ben Folds Five BRACKNELL FESTIVAL Broderick & Jean Reno Booking until September Green Park. £5. Runs until more, !0pm-7am. Si 29 June, Forum, £12.50 Mad Proff + Loop Guru Lost in Space 16 August. Over 23, £13.50 + Sonic Youth + Third World + July 31. With MattLe Rent by Jonathan Larson ing fee for advance t 26 June, Shep Bush Sitarfunk + + + Blanc & Gary Oldman. at the Shaftesbury JULY ets, more on the dor Emp, £10 3 - 5 July, South Hill Park, Dr Dolittle (Eddie Murphy) Theatre, Shaftesbury Sophie Calle at the Tate Info: 0958 378 545. Ti John Peel's Meltddown: Bracknell. £38 weekend Les Miserables with Uma Avenue, WC2 Tube: Gallery, Millbank, SW1, essential. Cornershop + Gorky's Z M Thurman & Liam Neeson Holborn. Performance Tube: Pimilico, Admission Summer Melt Down 30 June, R Fest Hall. £10 PARTY IN THE PARK Metroland, a UK film ada- limes: Mon- Sat at free. Until 16 August. Ministry Of Sound Tl John Peel's Meltddown: All Saints + Gary Barlow pation of the Barnes novel 7:30pm, Sat & \ 2nd July, Main Roorrf Spiritualized + Sonic + Julian Lennon + Lionel |Love and Death on Long 3pm.Ticket!] Lari Pitman at the ICA, Gagage with Upfronf Youth Ritchie + Simple Minds + Island with Jason Priestley £32.50-£12 The Mall, SW1, Tube: 99.3 FM DJs Para, Ri: 1 July, R Fest Hall, £10 Natanlie Imbruglia ++ + Mimic Sci-fi horror rows are sold Charing Ooss.£l.50 K.C.K, MCs Asha & George Benson 5 July, Hyde Park, £15 Chubby Goes Down of the perforrf Wicked. Main Bar - 1 July, RAH, £20 ^ji Under will be rubbish £10.00 pers Marc Chagall: Love and House, Space Bar - John Peel's Meltddown: PHOENIX FESTIVAL A Thousand Acres with all prices are reduced by the Stage at the Royal Swing & Hip-Hop. Ivor Cutler CANCELLED Pfeiffer as a red-neck £2,50 Academy of Arts, 3am. £8 on the doorf 2 July. QE Hall, £10 Tickets will be refunded Psycho re-release of the Piccadilly, Wl Southern Comfort (3 John Peel's Meltddown: or exchanged for all-time Hitchcock classic Chicago at the Adelphi Scene Night Club, 5 Jesus & Mary Chain + Reading, Grease is also dusted Theatre, Strand, WC2;, Old Kent Rd (next to Suicode down and re-released Tube: Charing Cross Wk Macdonald's). Sat Isi 4 July, R Fest Hall, £12 WOMAD FESTIVAL Performance Times: Mon- The Warhol Look at the August Undergrouncj John Peel's Meltddown: Cornershop + Faithless AUGUST Sat evenings at 8:00pm, Barbican Centre, EC2 Garage with the Hit- Damon Albarn + Chumbawumba + + + X-Files, The Movie Wed & Sat matinees at Tube: Barbican, £4, Until Squad (Upfront 99.3 Graham Coxon + Silver 24-26 July, Reading 21 August. Directed by 2:30pm Ticket prices. 1! August. DJs Para, Risky, KCK, Apples ++ Rob Bowman £32.50-£l5,00 Booking 1 JayDee & The Dextei 5 July, R Fest Hall, £12 The Avengers Stars Ralph until 30th January AUGUST Guests Hermit & Dar Blues Brothers Band CAMBRIDGE FOLK ! Fiennes, and Uma Mariko Mori at the Ward. 9pm-4am £10 15 & 16 July, R Fest Hall Thurman in a skin-tight IThe Real Inspector Hound Serpentine Gallery, Earth Wind & Fire @ Chuck Berry + Little Levellers + Taj Mahal + ^ leather one-piece. Woof! by lorn Stoppard & Black Kensington Gardens, W2 Colosseum Bar & Nic Richard + Jerry Lee Nick Lowe + Capercaillie Mercury Rising with Bruce Comedy by Peter Shaffer I ube: South Kensington. Club, 12-18 Crown Lewis +++ Willis, Yawn. at the Comedy Theatre, Admission free. Croydon. Last Tuesd. Every Month. With tl 22 July, Wembly, £20 31 July - I Aug, Hinton, Land Girls British sort of Panton Street, WC2 Tube: likes of DJs: Jason K, Marc Almond £43 war-film with Anna Friel Piccadilly Circus Andy Warhol and Josef i.Para, Mike 'Ruff Cut' 20-25 July, Ameldia The Gingerbread Man Performance limes: Mon Beuys at the Tate Gallery, Lloyd, Stevie B & Ray! Theatre, £11.50 ^GUILFORD 98 John Gnsham directs Sat evenings at 7.30pm, Millbank, SW1 glurley playing Upfroi Notting Hill Billies, with Lightning Seeds + Dodgy Kennith Brannah. Wed & Sat at 3pm Tube: Pimilico: Admission arage grooves, I Oj Mark Knopfter + Beth Orton + lan Dury Primary Colours free Until September. BHK«BMB[ -50- |m. Ladies £5 all nil 20 July - 1 Aug, Ronnie + The MAd Professor John Travolta finally lints £6 b4 11 pm / Scotts, £15 - £25, +++ makes it to US president £27,50, Run extended Group Show at the after Info: 0956 168410 Sparklehorse 7 - 9 August, Stoke Park, The Holy Man Stars - yet until 8th August Serpentine Gallery, Underground Frequencies 22 July, Hackney Emp. Guilford, £47 again - Eddie Murphy, Art by Yasmina Reza at Kensington Gardens, W2 @ The Cross, Kings Cross. James Brown The Horse Whisperer Wyndhams Theatre, Tube: South Kensington, Friday 3rd July. Bumpin1 22-23 July, Barbican, £15 JAM IN THE PARK Another novel-adaption Charing Cross Road, WC2 Underground Garage Phil Collins Big Band Ijwith Krisitin Scott-Thomas lube: Leicester Square with Residents Matt Jam1 23 July, R Fest Hall, £20 The Proposition is naff ^SEPTEMBER Lamont & Karl TuffEnuff Lo-Fideliiry All-Stars Verve + Green Day + The Object of My Affection Picasso: Painter and Brown 10.30pm-4.30am. 24 July, Astoria, £7.50 Chumbawumba + is only slighfy better, Sculpture in Clay at the £12. Info: 0171 837 055. Pulp + Catatonia + Lightning Seeds + Royal Academy of Arts, Weekly Favouites: Bentley Rhythm Ace Underworld + James SEPTEMBER £27 50 Booking until 5th From 77 September ' FRIDAYS + + +25 July, Finsbury Brown + Cornershop + Saving Private Ryan October BSK Wl, Tube: ll The Gallery @ Turnmill: Park, £23 lan Brown + Space + 11 Sept. Stephen HLk. £5 Clerkenwell Rd, EC BB King Texas+++ Spielburg casts Tom Sweet Charity at the 2 Rooms 9 30pm-3 30am 29 July, Fairfields, 22-23 Aug, Hylands Park, Hanks in this patriotic ^jetoria Palace Theatre, ' Chris Ofili at the £8 all night. Info: 0171 Croydoh, £ 15 Chelmsford. £64 war film jrja Street, Wl Serpentine Gallery, 494 2998. Run DMC Also in September: ctoria Kensington Gardens, W2 31 July, Forum, £12,50 READING Fear and Loathing in Las ; Times: Mon- Tube: South Kensington, Labyrinth @ The Pleasure BRITISH SUMMER TIME Prodigy + Page & Plant Vegas the Terr kWed & Sat Admission free. Rooms, 604 High Road, Paul Weller + Finley + Beastie Boys + .adaption of Hunt £15 Tottenham. £7 students, Quaye + lan Dury + Garbage + Supergrass + Thompson's famous 3ooking until Speed: A Celebration of £8 guests. Info: 0181 & Rialto Foo Foghters + gonzo classic, this is August Fast Moving Culture at 4558, 8 Aug, Victoria Park E3, Spiritualized ++ + going to be one huge trif the Whitechapel Art SATURDAYS: £26 28-30 Aug, Little John's ^of a film. Do not miss. The Things We Do For Gallery, Whitechapel High Trinity @ The Chunnel The Merry Pranksters: Farm, Reading. £75. Love by Alan Ackybourn Street, EI. From 11 Club, Vauxhall SEI Ken Kesey & Ken Babbs at the Gielgud Theatre, September, Tube: Aldgate 10pm-6am. £7 b4 11 pm, 14-15 Aug, Barbican See music pages for more Shaftesbury Avenue, East. £2.50, free on £10 after. Info: 0181 305 Centre, £10 information. Tuesdays Bee Gees Still Crazy glam rock Ik muni reunion with Billy Also at the Photographers 5 Sep, Wembley, £50111! Pure Silk @ SWI Club, Gallery, 5 & 8rSHH^^^ Arab Strap Connoly and Jimmy Nail Victoria, £8 Mem/£10 Import stteet, w 21 Sep, QE Hall, £9 Leathal Weapon 4 ^H Guest. 10.30pm-6am Tube: Leicester Square Depeche Mode On dear oh dear. Info 0171 357 0004. Admission free. 29-30 Sep, Wembley, Species 2 more sex with SUNDAYS £21 aliens. August Sunny Side Up @ BACK TO COLLEGE! Elizabeth Attenborough's Chunnel Club

historical drama with an 7.30am-8pm. £8 all da1 Info: 0171 820 1702 Im pages for See clubscene pages 3' more information. for more info 24 June 1998 CROSSWORD 57 Jumbo Cryptic Crossword

By Ed Sexton

ANSWERS TO 1 1 18

Across: 4 Leprosy, 8 Patient, 9 Swigged, 10 Ignite, 12 Ousel, 13 Throbbing, 16 Stauch, 17 Cubists, 19 Hackneyed, 21 Mould, 22 Saddle, 24 Seasick, 25 Applaud, 26 Cutlery

Down: 1 Parachute, 2 Libido, 3 Anon, 4 Lysergic Acid, 5 Psilocybin, 6 Orgasm, 7 Yodel, 11 Irish whiskey, 14 Benzedrine, 15 Strenuous, 18 Kuwait, 20 Evenly, 21 Music, 23 Dips

WIN £30 OF MUSIC

Complete the crossword, then solve the anagram hidden in the red squares, and you could win £30 of HMV music vouchers. Just hand in / email your entry to us at [email protected] by 4pm Friday 26 June. Good luck, you free-thinking bunch of anti-establishment dissidents!

ACROSS 31 Trophy in setback if stick taken DOWN 21 Moved right and lost (5) from chicane at start (6) 23 Concluding words sound like 4 Final dividing line? (7) 32 Feed expert, then edit it badly 1 Dig out small dome with weari messenger (5) 11 Works usually require four with Ian (6) ness (7) 24 Transparent painting? (11) movements (7) 34 Dance with significance? Use it 2 Case surrounding scoundrel 27 Farewells for excellent runs? (8) 12 Wave initially to sun and then to write answer! (4-5) falls (7) 28 Prepare Ed's first clever saying miss aim (7) 35 Make assertions that pet is ini 3 Station difficult regiment where (5) 13 Reps back without fabric, mak tially engaged around mat (9) one pays (7-5) 30 Quietly guide and beg (5) ing fracture (8) 41 Then rum trail confused theolo 5 Cheap pen dedication added in 31 Someone who quibbles about 14 Ceylon pastry? (7) gian (6,6) concealment (8) mop ripping (4-8) 15 H... h... is the answer (10) 42 Super cooked meal, sir, for the 6 Prime set of loaves (8) 36 Measured resistance from 18 Capital bonds? (6,6) subconscious (10) 7 Ceramic obstacle? (5,4,2,5) them; more trouble! (8) 19 1 am reduced to awaiting 45 Saint blemished when mixed- 8 Forgot to mention donations 37 Draw up left-plan for financial decision about to happen (9) up with Ed (7) for songs (6) aid (8) 22 Person who takes tuned clar 46 Retired with hat and drink (8) 9 Irritate girl when the French 38 Chalet I built upright inets (9) 47 Drainpipe gas used to conceal lost, ending with eighteen (5) 39 Mythical inscriptions (7) 25 Perhaps scary aunt seeks horse (7) 10 Morning gent in Jordan (5) 40 Support reverse (6) refuge (9) 48 A red van in trouble alongside 16 Diana, once in trouble, reveals 43 Dude used right to source of 26 Call for repeat in French centre house (7) water (6,5) milk (5) (6) 49 Green French sea surrounded 17 Half give FT to cover fancy 44 Greek letter-chap loses head 27 Old man sounds like spring? (6) by nasty metal paper (4,4) initially concerning city (5) 29 Cutter ruins washed-up derelict 20 Point oar shipment, perhaps, to (9) region of England (16) 58 SPORTS 24 June 1998 IMPERIAL QUEERS LIMP (WRISTS ?) HOME Cricket's 1 Q's Walking Club training for the at Trafalgar Square guaranteed our last fixture of the year had been 'Also Ran' position but revived lag- I intense right up to the big day ging spirits. The half-way water and on 7 June. A new competition for sunshine at Hungerford Bridge Coming Home the boyz and grrrls, set out to win revived tired feet and lead to lash- the 10 km walk and leave a lasting ings of competitive spirit. impression. In the end only the The battle for first member of IC SNATCH UNIVERSITY OF LONDON CUP fourth team - The Faggy Fourths - The Fourths to cross the line began. made it to the starting line. Clear leaders were Skate Grrrl, Tom iven that last week the final bowl three overs of complete pies, Known previously to walk long Boy and Bottle Blonde, with ULU had been rained off, and the Holloway batting stuttered distances only in order to get that Bod and Butch bringing up the rear. G A late spurt from Shorty saw her Tuesdays forecast was scru- to a half decent (well pretty piss- Gaultier shirt for half price, the tinised by everyone. Surely we were poor, actually) score of 114 all out. Faggy Fourths put on a brave face catch up, while Skate Grrrl and Bottle in luck this time - the TV weather Fired up by an inspiring speech against a well prepared and surpris- Blonde fell back. Butch returned to map didn't show a raincloud any- from the skipper, our own innings ingly good-looking opposition - all the back of the pack with ULU Bod. where in the greater counties. Sadly, got off to a questionable start of 5 2500 of them. The enthusiasm Shorty and Tom Boy where the first Ketley had had it coming out of his for 4, leaving us in the strange posi- shown at the Royal Festival Hall was two from The Fourths across the line arse again and by the time we got to tion of having Jon, Yann, Imran and quickly lost along The Embankment at Hays Galleria, with ULU Bod and Motspur park we Andy muster only a as broken cloud became showers. Butch finishing where they had been needed a Kayak to single run between What started as an eager push at for most of the walk - at the back. inspect the track. them. With the The South Bank became a tired drag We decided winning was not Never the less, after wickets tumbling, along The Mall as spirits seemed to everything, especially as they had an hour's wait, the the supporters wan- have been broken. It became clear managed to raise over £500 for flood waters dis- dering inside to that the quality of the other teams Crusaid. Man of The Match went to persed and Jon watch the football, meant we were not going to win. As Shorty for raising the most money. (arch negotiator) the captain busy the rain set in, a diversion for coffee twisted the smashing up the umpires' arms into changing room and playing - much to the whole of the the disappointment lower order hastily Editorial of Royal Holloway padding up disaster who were busy seemed inevitable. watching But Raj, our resident Sports review of the year. further my own selfish aims. As an Neighbours. Sri Lankan beefy Hullo my beauties. example of the latter reason, I'd bastard gave their The early So what great sporting just like to say that if anyone out bowling some heat Holloway scorecard The Joyful cricket captain hold achievements have we been get- there fancies giving me a job, and pulled off some made delightful aloft the cup. ting up to this year? Well, to tell they're more than welcome. I strokes that had the reading with Steve you the truth, I have no idea. This won't insult your intelligence by height and distance to make a Trussels' raw pace and Ra]s tricky is because, I'm afraid to say, that I claiming to be hard working or respectable 3-iron look pretty poor. seaming proving too much for the never bothered to read any of the honest, but I am desperate, and Raj pulled the team out from the upper order and they were reduced articles, apart from a cursory I'll take almost anything. depths of deepest doo-doo with an to 24 for 3. A successful rear-guard glance to see what sport was But now I must come to the awesome display of power-house action was staged by some of the involved. When it became neces- end. It is time for me to bid you batting. A mention also to Alex who Holloway middle order big hitters sary to edit the length of articles 1 adieu. A poignant moment supported the other end of the but owing to some fine catches did so not in any attempt to main- indeed. If I were a character from wicket with equal style and power, (especially by Andy, managing to tain their narrative structure, but Neighbours there would now fol- but who was very badly dropped by keep his eyes on the ball as it rather 1 did it in such a way as to low a montage sequence in which a man in a black velvet shirt stand- returned from the upper tropos- make the page look aesthetically important moments of my life are ing just in front of the scorebox. phere) and to Nigel who, with his pleasing. For the most part 1 did briefly shown, accompanied by uncanny ability to pitch the ball right So the day was ours, Holloway this by creating abstract patterns. some shockingly tacky piece of in a batsmen's gonads, soon skulked off back to their union (lucky However if you have a copy of last 'pop' music. Sadly I'm not a char- reduced their batting lineup in num- bastards) and for the fourth time in week's Felix, hold it at arm's acter from Neighbours, I'm a real ber and fertility. Things were going 69 years the IC 1 st XI (or as we call length and stare at it fixedly. After person, of sorts, but never mind. well it seemed until skipper Andy it now, the Raj Honourary 1st XI) a few minutes you should be able I'd like to finish by thanking all came on and felt sporting enough to returned as UL Champions to make out a rudimentary repro- those who were kind enough to duction of Leonardo Da Vinci's aid me on my way, particularly my Last supper. Jesus' head is a bit collaborators Niall and David, not elongated but other than that it's to mention my friends who were surprisingly accurate. kind enough to pop in and help. "But hang on Jake" you may be I'd also like to thank all those who saying (if so, please refrain from contributed articles. May I say that being so familiar, it's Mr Thome to for the most part your articles you) "if you couldn't be bothered weren't good as such but they to read any of the articles, why did were at least lengthy. Jesus Christ you become sports editor in the were they lengthy. first place?" There were two rea- Goodbye forever sons. Firstly in order to chronicle Jacob. the exploits of my beloved Rifle P.S. everything I've ever written and Pistol Club (as you cannot fail has been true. to have noticed) and secondly to Man of the match, A Rajan (66 not out) makes light of praise. FELIX CONTRIBUTORS, HELPERS AND FRIENDS Front to back. Right to left: Ed Sexton (news, crosswords &. editor elect). Jon Trout (features), Jeremy Thomson (editor). Julia Harries farts;. Danuta Pieter (arts), Clare Ashwin (news fkarts), Demelza North (arts). David Roberts (news &. film), Ali Campbell (columns). Mark Baker (news, games &. IT), Dave Cohen (old hack), Andy Thompson (printer extrordinaire). Jake Thorne (sports), Jon Jordan (Another old hack), Ivan Chan (photography), Antoine Jeanson (columns & printer), Andy Sinharay (news), Wei Lee (films and games). Notable Absentees: Jason Ramanathan (music), Alok Jha (music), Helena Cocheme (columns), Simon Baker (columns), Tom Deltombes 'photog- raphy), Trevor Morgan (music), Chris Hickey (film), Dennis Patrickson (music &. feature), Will Lorenz (books), Hamish Common (columns), Kent Yip (news), Andy Ofori (news), Simon Dunsby (decd.)(sport), Starvros (cartoons)Colin Dale (columns). Alick Sethi (music), Tony Ofori (news). Milen (music), And many more. My sincere thanks to everyone who has made a contribution, how ever small, this year - Ed. Photo: Robin Riley.