Issue 1 July 2009

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Metamorphosis Haiku of Basho Magnolia Seitan Pubs

Also in this issue:

Does science really exist? ­ Infant cannibalism recipes on a budget ­ Crossword Clinton on hunting with hounds ­ Is Swine Flu a cover for the REPTILIAN AGENDA? So this article's got the word "fuck" in it, what the fuck are you going to do about it? 2

The Rationalia Magazine Team

Editor: Pappa

Contributors: Clinton Huxley, Dasein, FrigidSymphony, Meekychuppet, Ryokan, Xamonas Chegwé

Conspirators: born­again­atheist, Charlou, DP

Layout and Design: Pappa

No part of this magazine may be reproduced without the explicit written permission of Rationalia Association. The articles remain the intellectual property of their respective authors. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it!

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Editorial Features

Why don't politicians just fuck off? On Love and Barley ­ Haiku of Basho...... 4

We've all got them; town and county Pubs...... 14 councillors, mayors, commissioners, MPs, Analysis: Metamorphosis...... 17 senators, prime ministers, presidents, Under Magnolia's Shade...... 19 dictators... our lives are ruled and run by them, often at a distant level, but every day our Fiction: Quorp's Tableau...... 23 actions are controlled and guided by their A Compact Messiah...... 35 collective will. We're so used to them, we assume their existence is a normal and necessary part of human civilisation. Regulars As the recent expenses scandal in the UK, or any number of other political scandals around Ask Clinton Huxley...... 16 the world show, both now and in the past, The Zaniac: Mangy Horrorscopes...... 20 politicians have a penchant for being thieving, manipulative, self­serving, secretive, lying Cookery Corner...... 33 bastards. Why don't we get rid of them? Sports Roundup...... 36 Q&A...... 37 But wouldn't this result in anarchic, Mad Max post­apocalypse murderous chaos? How could a nation exist without governance? Wouldn't we just run amok, looting, killing and raping each other? Would we ignore ethical considerations if there was no ultimate coercion?

Ration books weren't scrapped immediately after WWII because the governments believed Haiku of Basho ­ 4 that food distribution wasn't possible if it was not organised centrally. Yet, since then, a free market has managed to get food to every part of the world, on time, and (usually) at a fair price. Centralised planning and distribution are nowadays regarded as inefficient ­ the idea forms part of a standard critique of Communism. Pubs ­ 14

Self­organisation is clearly possible, as this magazine, the website that spawned it and numerous others like it show. Ethical systems and rules of conduct can spawn themselves spontaneously. Groups of individuals can agree to work together to create an endless number of wonderful things. In this respect, human Metamorphosis ­ 17 creativity knows no bounds.

Could this non­coercive cooperation extend to the self­organisation of districts, counties, states, nations and continents? I don't know, but wouldn't it be fun to find out? ­ Pappa Magnolia ­ 19 Issue 1 — June 2009 4

On Love and Barley ­ Haiku of Basho

throughout the country, recreate Basho's life prior to heading west, east, and far his settlement in the Basho into the northern wilderness to Hut. It is believed that he was gain inspiration for his writing born in 1644 at or near Ueno and haiku. His poems are in Iga Province, about thirty influenced by his first­hand miles south­east of Kyoto and experience of the world two hundred miles west of around him, often Edo. The social status of the encapsulating the feeling of a family, while respectable, was scene in a few simple not of the kind that promised a elements. bright future for young Basho if he were to follow an ordinary Matsuo Basho elevated haikai course of life. and gave it a new popularity. Hokku is the first verse of the Basho's life seems to have collaborative haikai or renku, been peaceful so far, and he but its position as the opening might for the rest of his life In the land of the Cherry verse made it the most have been a satisfied, low­ Blossom Festival – poetry important, setting the tone for ranking samurai who spent his has always had a pivotal the whole composition. Even spare time verse writing. He importance. The land, though hokku had sometimes had already come of age and clouded in the mist of cherry appeared individually, they had assumed a samurai's blossoms, kept integrated were always understood in the name, Matsuo Munefusa. But the art of living and the art context of renku. The Basho in the summer of 1666, after of writing poetry. school promoted standalone the sudden and premature hokku by including many in death of his samurai master, Matsuo Basho (1644–1694) their anthologies, thus giving Yoshitada, Basho left his was the most famous poet of birth to what is now called native home and, forsaking his the Edo period in Japan. 'haiku'. Basho also used his samurai status, embarked on During his lifetime, he was hokku as torque points within a wandering life shortly recognized for his works in the his short prose sketches and afterwards. collaborative haikai no renga longer travel diaries. This sub­ form; today, after centuries of genre of haikai is known as Basho's life for the next few commentary, he is recognized haibun. His best­known book, years is very obscure. It has as a master of brief and clear Oku no Hosomichi or Narrow traditionally been held that he haiku. Basho was introduced Roads to the Interior, is went to Kyoto, then the capital to poetry at a young age, and counted as one of the classics of Japan, where he studied after integrating himself into of Japanese literature and has philosophy, poetry and the intellectual scene of Edo been translated into English calligraphy under well­known (Tokyo) he quickly became extensively. experts. However, it is likely well known throughout Japan. that he often left Kyoto during He made a living as a teacher, I. First Metamorphosis: this time; returning to his but renounced the social, From Wanderer to Poet home­town for lengthy visits, urban life of the literary circles or that his studies were and was inclined to wander Little material is available to conducted during short trips to 5

On Love and Barley ­ Haiku of Basho

many puns that they may have two or more Japanese Poetry quite dissimilar meanings. From the beginning Japanese poetry has been under strong influence of their Chinese Three major forms of Japanese poetry since neighbours, starting with the time of Tang the nineteenth century have been tanka dynasty. It took them several hundred years (new name for waka), haiku and shi. Haiku is to digest the foreign impact, make it a part of a form consisting of 17 moras (sound unit) in their culture and merge it with their literary three metrical phrases of 5, 7, and 5 moras tradition in their mother tongue, and begin to respectively. Haiku typically contain a kigo, develop the diversity of their native poetry. or seasonal reference, and a kireyi or verbal Japanese language is almost as rich in caesura. Previously called hokku, haiku was homonyms and ordinary double meanings as given its current name by the writer Masaoka is Chinese – some Japanese poems have so Shiki at the end of the 19th century.

Kyoto. It is unlikely that he had 1672. days in Edo he stayed at the yet determined to become a home of one or another of his poet. With the curiosity of On the whole, the book patrons. He may have worked youth he may have tried all reveals him to be a man of as a physician's assistant, a sorts of things fashionable brilliant wit and colourful town clerk, or a poet's scribe; among the young libertines of imagination, who had a good but it is generally accepted the day. knowledge of popular songs, that he was employed by the fashionable expressions, and local waterworks department. One indisputable fact is that the new ways of the world in Whatever the truth, his early Basho had not lost his interest general. years in Edo were not easy. in verse writing. A haikai He was probably recalling anthology published in 1667 Probably in the spring of 1672, those days when he later contained as many as thirty­ Basho set out on a journey to wrote: one of his verses, and his Edo, apparently with no work was included in three intention of returning in the "At one time I was weary of other anthologies compiled immediate future. On parting verse writing and wanted to between 1669 and 1671. His he sent a haiku to one of his give it up, and at another time name was gradually becoming friends in Ueno: I was determined to be a poet known to a limited number of until I could establish a proud poets in the capital. That must Kumo to hedatsu name over others. The have earned him considerable Tomo ka ya kari no alternatives battled in my mind respect from the poets in his Ikiwakare and made my life restless." home­town too. Thus when Basho made his first attempt Clouds will separate Though he may have been in to compile a book of haikai, The two friends, after migrating a dilemma Basho continued to about thirty poets were willing Wild goose's departure write verses in the new city. In to contribute verses to it. The the summer of 1675 he was book, called The Seashell Basho's life for the next eight one of several writers who Game (Kai Oi), was dedicated years is somewhat obscure joined a distinguished poet of to a shrine in Ueno early in again. It is said that in his early the time in composing a renku

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On Love and Barley ­ Haiku of Basho

of one hundred verses; Basho, (Juhachiban Hokku Awase), Shiba no to ni now using the pseudonym he wrote a commentary on Cha o konoha kaku Tosei, contributed eight. The each match. In the summer of Arashi kana following spring he and 1680 The Best Poems of another poet wrote two renku, Tosei's Twenty Disciples (Tosei Against the brushwood gate each consisting of one Montei Dokugin Nijikkasen) Dead tea leaves swirl hundred verses. After a brief appeared, which suggests that In the stormy wind. visit to his native town later in Basho already had a sizeable the year, he began devoting group of talented students. Many other poems written at more and more time to verse Later in the same year two of this time, including the haiku writing. He must have made his leading disciples matched about the banana tree, also up his mind to become a their own verses in two have pensive overtones. In a professional poet around this contests, "The rustic haiku headnote to one of them he time, if he had not done so Contest" ("Inaka no Kuawase") even wrote: "I feel lonely as I earlier. His work began and "The Evergreen haiku gaze at the moon, I feel lonely appearing in various Contest" ("Tokiwaya no as I think about myself, and I anthologies more and more Kuawase"), and Basho served feel lonely as I ponder upon frequently, indicating his as the judge. That winter his this wretched life of mine. I increasing renown. When the students built a small house in want to cry out that I am New Year came he apparently a quiet, rustic part of Edo and lonely, but no one asks me distributed a small book of presented it to their teacher. how I feel." verses among his Several months later a banana acquaintances, a practice tree was planted in the yard, It was probably out of such permitted only to a recognized giving the hut its famous spiritual ambivalence that haikai master. In the winter of name. Now firmly established Basho began practising Zen that year he judged two haiku as a poet, Basho had his own meditation under Priest contests, and when they were home for the first time. Butcho (1642­1715), who published as Haiku Contests happened to be staying near in Eighteen Rounds II. Second Metamorphosis: his home. He must have been From Poet to Wanderer zealous and resolute in this attempt, for he was later to Basho was thankful to have a recall: "...and yet at another permanent home, but he was time I was anxious to confine not to be cosily settled there. myself within the walls of a With all his increasing poetic monastery." Loneliness, fame and material comfort, he melancholy, disillusion, ennui ­ seemed to become more whatever his problem may dissatisfied with himself. He have been, his suffering was had many friends, disciples, real. and patrons, and yet he was lonelier than ever. One of the A couple of events that first verses he wrote after occurred in the following two moving into the Basho Hut years further increased his was: suffering. In the winter of 1682 the Basho Hut was destroyed 7

On Love and Barley ­ Haiku of Basho

in a fire that swept through the security of a home seemed to After only a few days' sojourn whole neighbourhood He was offer him much consolation. in Ueno, Basho travelled homeless again, and probably He was already a wanderer in farther on, now visiting a the idea that man is eternally spirit, and he had to follow that temple among the mountains, homeless began haunting his impulse in actual life. now composing verses with mind more frequently. A few Thus in the fall of 1684 Basho local poets. It was at this time months later he received news set out on his first significant that The Winter Sun (Fuyu no from his family home that his journey. He had made Hi), a collection of five renku mother had died. Since his journeys before, but not for the which with their less pedantic father had died already in sake of spiritual and poetic vocabulary and more lyrical 1656, he was now not only discipline. Through the journey tone marking the beginning of without a home but without a he wanted, among other Basho's mature poetic style, parent to return to. things, to face death and was produced. thereby to help temper his As far as poetic fame was mind and his poetry. He called The journey was a rewarding concerned, Basho and his it "the journey of a weather­ one. Basho met numerous disciples were thriving. In the beaten skeleton," meaning friends, old and new, on the summer of 1683 they that he was prepared to perish way. He produced a number published Shrivelled alone and leave his corpse to of haiku and renku on his Chestnuts (Minashiguri), an the mercies of the wilderness experiences during the anthology of haikai verses if that was his destiny. If this journey, including those which in its stern rejection of seems to us a bit extreme, we collected in The Winter Sun. crudity and vulgarity in theme should remember that Basho He wrote his first travel and in its highly articulate, was of a delicate constitution journal, The Records of a Chinese­flavoured diction, set and suffered from several Weather­Exposed Skeleton them distinctly apart from chronic diseases, and that his (Nozarashi Kiko), too. other poets. In that winter, travel in seventeenth­century Through all these when the homeless Basho Japan was immensely more experiences, Basho was returned from a stay in Kai hazardous than it is today. gradually changing. In the Province, his friends and latter part of the journal there disciples again gathered Upon arriving at his native appears, for instance, the together and presented him town, Ueno, he was reunited following haiku which he wrote with a new Basho Hut. His with his relatives and friends. at the year's end: poem on entering the new hut His elder brother opened a was: memento bag and showed him Toshi kurenu a small tuft of grey hair from Kasa kite waraji Arare kiku ya the head of his late mother. Hakinagara Kono mi wa moto no Furugashiwa Te ni toraba Another year is gone ­ Kien namida zo atsuki A travel hat on my head, The sound of hail ­ Aki no shimo Straw sandals on my feet. I am the same as before Like that ageing oak. Should I hold it in my hand The poem seems to show It would melt in my burning tears Basho at ease in travel. The Neither poetic success nor the Autumnal frost. uneasiness that made him

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assume a strained attitude Yoki mono misen toward the journey Yukimaroge disappeared as his trip progressed. He could not look Will you start a fire? at his wandering "self" more I'll show you something nice ­ objectively, without heroism or A huge snowball. sentimentalism. The fire in the poem is to boil He spent the next two years water for tea. Sora would enjoying a quiet life at the prepare tea in the kitchen, Basho Hut. It was a modest while Basho, returning to the but leisurely existence, and he pleasures of a little boy, would could afford to call himself "an make a big snowball in the idle old man." He yard. When the tea was ready, contemplated the beauty of they would sit down and sip it nature as it changed with the together, humorously enjoying seasons and wrote verses the view of the snowball whenever he was inspired to outside. The poem, an Then, just two months later, do so. Friends and disciples unusually cheerful one for Basho set out on another long who visited him shared his Basho, seems to suggest his westward journey. He was far taste, and they often gathered relaxed, carefree frame of more at ease as he took leave to enjoy the beauty of the mind of those years. than he had been at the outset moon, the snow, or the of his first such journey three blossoms. The following The same sort of casual poetic years earlier. He was a composition, a short prose mood led Basho to undertake famous poet now, with a large piece written in the winter of a short trip to Kashima, a town circle of friends and disciples. 1686, seems typical of his life about fifty miles east of Edo They gave him many farewell at this time: and well known for its Shinto presents, invited him to shrine, to see the harvest picnics and dinners, and "A man named Sora has his moon. Sora and a certain Zen arranged several verse­writing temporary residence near my monk accompanied him in the parties in his honour. Those hut, so I often drop in at his trip in the autumn of 1687. who could not attend sent place, and he at mine. When I Unfortunately it rained on the their poems. These verses, cook something to eat, he night of the full moon, and they totalling nearly three hundred helps to feed the fire, and only had a few glimpses of the and fifty, were later collected when I make tea at night, he moon toward dawn. Basho, and published under the title comes over for company. A however, took advantage of Farewell Verses quiet, leisurely person, he has the chance to visit his former (Kusenbetsu). There were so become a most congenial Zen master, Priest Butcho, many festivities that to Basho friend of mine. One evening who had retired to Kashima. "the occasion looked like after a snowfall, he dropped in The trip resulted in another of some dignitary's departure ­ for a visit, whereupon I Basho's travel journals, A Visit very imposing indeed." composed a haiku: " to the Kashima Shrine (Kashima Kiko). He followed roughly the same Kimi hi o take route as on his journey of 9

1684, again visiting friends friend of his and a servant significance of haikai writing; and writing verses here and accompanied Basho during he was confident that the there on the way. He reached this time. His immediate haikai, as a serious form of Ueno at the year's end and purpose was to see the art, could point toward an was heartily welcomed as a harvest moon in the rustic invaluable way of life. leading poet in Edo. Even the Sarashina district. As young head of his former expected, the trip was a Accompanied by Sora, Basho master's family, whose service rugged one, but he did see the left Edo in the late spring of he had left in his youth, invited full moon at that place 1689. Probably because of his him for a visit. In the garden a celebrated in Japanese more stern and ascetic cherry tree which Yoshitada literature. He then travelled attitude toward the journey, had loved was in full bloom: eastward among the farewell festivities were fewer mountains and returned to and quieter this time. He Samazama no Edo in late autumn after nearly proceeded northward along Koto omoidasu a year of travelling the main road, stopping at Sakura kana places of interest such as the This was probably the Tosho Shrine at Nikko, the hot Myriads of things past happiest of all Basho's spa at Nasu, and an historic Are brought to my mind ­ journeys. He had been familiar castle site at Iizuka. When he These cherry blossoms! with the route much of the came close to the Pacific way, and where he had not, a coast near Sendai he admired In the middle of the spring friend and a servant had been the scenic beauty of Basho left Ueno, accompanied there to help him. His fame as Matsushima. From Hiraizumi, by one of his students, going a poet was fairly widespread, a town well known as the site first to Mount Yoshino to see and people he met on the way of a medieval battle, Basho the famous cherry blossoms. always treated him with turned west and reached the He travelled to Wakanoura to courtesy. It was a productive coast of the Sea of Japan at enjoy the spring scenes of the journey, too. In addition to a Sakata. After a short trip to Pacific coast, and then came number of haiku and renku, he Kisagata in the north, he to Nara at the time of fresh wrote two journals: The turned south­west and green leaves. On he went to Records of a Travel­Worn followed the main road along Osaka, and then to Suma and Satchel (Oi no Kobumi), which the coast. It was from this Akashi on the coast of Seto covers his travel from Edo to coast that he saw the island of Inland Sea, two famous places Akashi, and A Visit to Sado in the distance and which often appeared in old Sarashina Village (Sarashina wrote one of his most Japanese classics. Kiko), which focuses on his celebrated poems: moon viewing trip to From Akashi Basho turned Sarashina. The former has an Araumiya back to the east, and by way especially significant place in Sado ni yokotau of Kyoto arrived at Nagoya in the Basho canon, including Amanogawa midsummer. After resting there among other things a passage for awhile, he headed for the that declares the haikai to be The rough sea ­ mountains of central Honshu, among the major forms of Extending toward Sado Isle, an area now popularly known Japanese art. He was now The Milky Way. as the Japanese Alps. An old clearly aware of the

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On Love and Barley ­ Haiku of Basho

Because of the rains, the heat, deep dilemmas and to gain stayed at during this period and the rugged road, this part peace of mind. It was based Basho seems to have of the journey was very hard on the idea of sabi, the especially enjoyed two: the for Basho and Sora, and they concept that one attains Unreal Hut and the House of were both exhausted when perfect spiritual serenity by Fallen Persimmons, as they they finally arrived at immersing oneself in the ego­ were called. The Unreal Hut, Kanazawa. They rested at the less, impersonal life of nature. located in the woods off the famous hot spring at The complete absorption of southernmost tip of lake Biwa, Yamanaka for a few days, but one's petty ego into the vast, was a quiet, hidden place Sora, apparently because of powerful, magnificent universe where Basho rested from prolonged ill­ health, decided ­ this was the underlying early summer to mid­autumn to give up the journey and left theme of many poems by in 1690. He thoroughly his master there. Basho Basho at this time, including enjoyed the idle, secluded life continued alone until he the haiku on the Milky Way we there, and described it in a reached Fukui. There he met have just seen. This short but superb piece of an old acquaintance who momentary identification of prose. Here is one of the accompanied him as far as man with inanimate nature passages: Tsuruga, where another old was, in his view, essential to friend had come to meet poetic creation. Though he "In the daytime an old Basho, and the two travelled never wrote a treatise on the watchman from the local south until they arrived at subject, there is no doubt that shrine or some villager from Ogaki, a town Basho knew Basho conceived some unique the foot of the hill comes along well. A number of Basho's ideas about poetry in his later and chats with me about friends and disciples were years. Apparently it was during things I rarely hear of, such as there, and the long journey this journey that he began a wild boar's looting the rice through unfamiliar areas was thinking about poetry in a paddies or a hare's haunting finally over. One hundred and more serious, philosophical the bean farms. When the sun fifty­six days had passed since terms. The two earliest books sets under the edge of the hill he left Edo. known to record Basho's and night falls, I quietly sit and thoughts on poetry, Records of wait for the moon. With the The travel marked a climax in the Seven Days (Kikigaki moonrise I begin roaming Basho's literary career. He Nanukagusa) and about, casting my shadow on wrote some of his finest haiku Conversations at Yamanaka the ground. When the night during the journey. The (Yamanaka Mondo), resulted deepens, I return to the hut resulting journal The Narrow from it. and meditate on right and Road to the Deep North (Oku wrong, gazing at the dim no Hosomichi), is one of the Basho spent the next two margin of a shadow in the highest attainments in the years visiting his old friends lamplight. " history of poetic diaries in and disciples in Ueno, Kyoto, Japan. His literary and towns on the southern Basho had another chance to achievement was no doubt a coast of Lake Biwa. With one live a similarly secluded life result of his deepening or another of them he often later at the House of the maturity as a man. He had paid a brief visit to other Fallen Persimmons in Saga, a come to perceive a mode of places such as Ise and Nara. north­western suburb of life by which to resolve some Of numerous houses he Kyoto. The house, owned by 11

On Love and Barley ­ Haiku of Basho

one of his disciples, Mukai journey to the far north were twelfth month, 1693, he told Kyorai (1651­1704), was so clearly there. Through actual one prospective visitor that he called because persimmon example the new anthology would not be home on the trees grew around it. There showed that the haikai could ninth, tenth, eleventh, twelfth, were also a number of be a serious art form capable fourteenth, fifteenth, and bamboo groves, which of embodying mature sixteenth, suggesting that the provided the setting for a well­ comments on man and his visitor come either on the known poem by Basho: environment. thirteenth or the eighteenth. In another letter written about Hototogisu Basho returned to Edo in the the same time, he bluntly said: Otakeyabu o winter of 1691. His friends and "Disturbed by others, Have no Moru tsukiyo disciples there, who had not peace of mind." That New seen him for more than two Year he composed this haiku: The cuckoo ­ years, welcomed him warmly. Through the dense bamboo For the third time they Toshidoshi ya grove, combined their efforts to build Saru ni kisetaru Moonlight seeping. a hut for their master, who had Saru no men given up the old one just Basho stayed at this house for before his latest journey. In Year after year seventeen days in the summer this third Basho Hut, however, On the monkey's face of 1691. The sojourn resulted he could not enjoy the A monkey's mask. in The Saga Diary (Saga peaceful life he desired. For Nikki), the last of his longer one thing, he now had a few The poem has a touch of prose works. people to look after. An invalid bitterness unusual for Basho. nephew had come to live with He was dissatisfied with the All during this period at the two Basho, who took care of him progress that he (and possibly hideaways and elsewhere in until his death in the spring of some of his students) was the Kyoto­Lake Biwa area, 1693. A woman by the name making. Basho was visited by many of Jutei, with whom Basho people who shared his interest apparently had had some As these responsibilities in poetry. Especially close to special relationship in his pressed on him, Basho him were two of his leading youth, also seems to have gradually became somewhat disciples, Kyorai and Nozawa come under his care at this nihilistic. He had become a Boncho (16?­1714), partly time. She too was in poor poet in order to transcend because they were compiling health, and had several young worldly involvements, but now a haikai anthology under children besides. Even apart he found himself deeply Basho's guidance. The from these involvements, involved in worldly affairs anthology, entitled The Basho was becoming precisely because of his Monkey's Raincoat (Sarumino) extremely busy, no doubt due poetic fame. The solution was and published in the early to his great fame as a poet. either to renounce being a summer of 1691 represented a many people wanted to visit poet or to stop seeing people peak in haikai of the Basho him, or invited him for visits. altogether. Basho first tried the style. Basho's idea of sabi and For instance, in a letter former, but to no avail. "I have other principles of verse presumed to have been tried to give up poetry and writing that evolved during his written on the eighth of the remain silent," he said, "but

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On Love and Barley ­ Haiku of Basho

every time I did so a poetic satisfaction, and reopened the Jutei's children, Jirobei. He sentiment would solicit my gate about a month after rested at Ueno for a while, heart and something would closing it. Basho's solution and then visited his students flicker in my mind. Such is the was based on the principle of in Kyoto and in town near the magic spell of poetry." He had "lightness", a dialectic southern coast of Lake Biwa. become too much of a poet. transcendence of sabi. Sabi Jutei, who had been struggling Thus he had to resort to the urges man to detach himself against ill health at the Basho second alternative: to stop from worldly involvements; Hut, died at this time and seeing people altogether. This "lightness" makes it possible Jirobei temporarily returned to he did in the autumn of 1693, for him, after attaining that Edo. Much saddened, Basho declaring: detachment, to return to the went back to Ueno in early mundane world. man lives autumn for about a month's "Whenever people come, amid the mire as a spiritual rest. He then left for Osaka there is useless talk. bystander. He does not with a few friends and Whenever I go and visit, I escape the grievances of relatives including his elder have the unpleasant feeling of living; standing apart, he just brother's son Mataemon as interfering with other mens' smiles them away. Basho well as Jirobei. But Basho's business. Now I can do began writing under this health was rapidly failing, nothing better than follow the principle and advised his even though he continued to examples of Sun Ching and Tu students to emulate him. The write some excellent verses. Wu­lang, who confined effort later came to fruition in One of his haiku in Osaka themselves within locked several haikai anthologies, was: doors. Friendlessness will such as A Sack of Charcoal become my friend, and (Sumidawara), The Detached Kono aki wa poverty my wealth. A stubborn Room (Betsuzashiki) and The Nan de toshiyoru man at fifty years of age, I thus Monkey's Cloak, Continued Kumo ni tori write to discipline myself." (Zoku Sarumino). Characteristic verses in these This autumn Asagao ya collections reject Why am I ageing so? Hiru wa jo orosu sentimentalism and take a Flying towards the clouds, a bird. Mon no kaki calm, carefree attitude to the things of daily life. They often The poem indicates Basho's The morning­glory ­ exude light­hearted homour. awareness of approaching In the daytime, a bolt is fastened death. Shortly afterwards he On the front yard gate. Having thus restored his took to his bed with a stomach mental equilibrium, Basho ailment, from which he was Obviously, Basho wished to began thinking about another not to recover. Numerous admire the beauty of the journey. He may have been disciples hurried to Osaka and morning­glory without having anxious to carry his new poetic gathered at his bedside. He to keep a bolt on his gate. principle, "lightness," to poets seems to have remained calm How to do this must have outside of Edo, too. Thus in in his last days. He scribbled a been the subject of many the summer of 1694 he deathbed note to his elder hours of meditation within the travelled westward on the brother, which in part read: "I locked house. He solved the familiar road along the Pacific am sorry to have to leave you problem, at least to his own coast, taking with him one of now. I hope you will live a 13

On Love and Barley ­ Haiku of Basho

happy life under Mataemon's Its large leaves were soft and more than a convenient care and reach a ripe old age. sensitive and were easily torn landmark. At any rate, they There is nothing more I have when gusty winds blew from came to call the residence the to say." The only thing that the sea. Its flowers were small Basho "banana plant" Hut, disturbed his mind was poetry. and unobtrusive; they looked and the name was soon According to a disciple's lonesome, as if they knew they applied to its resident, too: the record, Basho fully knew that it could bear no fruit in the cool teacher came to be known as was time for prayers, not for climate of Japan. Its stalks the Master of the Basho Hut, verse writing, and yet he were long and fresh­looking, or Master Basho. It goes thought of the latter day and yet they were of no practical without saying that he was night. Poetry was now an use. happy to accept the nickname. obsession ­ "a sinful He used it for the rest of his attachment," as he himself The teacher lived all alone in life. called it. His last poem was: the hut. On nights when he had no visitor, he would sit Basho raised the haikai genre Tabi ni yande quietly and listen to the wind from a playful game of wit to Yume wa kareno o blowing through the banana sublime poetry, thus he was Kakemeguru leaves. The lonely atmosphere deified and revered as a saint would deepen on rainy nights. of poetry in Japan. He is also On a journey, ailing ­ Rainwater leaking through the one name from classical My dreams roam about roof dripped intermittently into Japanese literature that is Over a withered moor. a basin. To the ears of the familiar throughout the world. poet sitting in the dimly lighted room, the sound made a The most important thing for strange harmony with the Basho in his life and poetry rustling of the banana leaves alike was leaving the "self" outside. behind, because the truth is where the "self" is not: Basho nowaki shite Tarai ni ame o "Go to the pine if you want to Kiku yo kana learn about the pine, or to the One day in the spring of 1681 bamboo if you want to learn a banana tree was being A banana plant in the autumn about the bamboo. In doing so planted alongside a modest gale ­ you must leave your hut in a rustic area of Edo, a I listen to the dripping of rain subjective preoccupation with city now known as Tokyo. It Into a basin at night. yourself." was a gift from a local resident to his teacher of poetry, who The haiku seems to suggest Whether he ever managed to had moved into the hut several the poet's awareness of his go to the other shore, will be months earlier. The teacher, a spiritual affinity with the known only to him. Still, man of thirty­six years of age, banana plant. Some people glimpses of eternal shine was delighted with the gift. He who visited this teacher of brightly throughout his verses, loved the banana plant poetry may have noticed the leaving little doubt that rays of because it was somewhat like affinity. Others may have seen eternal have shone permanent him in the way it stood there. the banana plant as nothing light on his travels. ­ Ryokan

Issue 1 — June 2009 14

Pubs: What Are They Like Inside?

Pubs, we've all seen them. Every city, every town and most villages in the UK is likely to have at least one. But what goes on inside a pub? We asked our reporter, Nigel Lungmuck, to investigate. He didn't return for several days but did send in this report. It appears that he would like me to buy him a pint of beer before consenting to an interview. This will give me a chance to investigate the way in which beer is traded in the establishment.

I am at the bar now and a pleasant young lady by the name of Madge has just poured me two pints of a local beer which goes by the name of 'Old Legless'. The transaction was simple enough, I merely asked for a pint for my interviewee and Madge immediately filled up a glass by holding it under a spout and pulling on a pump I am standing outside of a table. The walls are covered handle – fascinating. She pub. It is a large, with numerous framed asked if I wanted anything whitewashed building in the paintings of sailing ships and else and that was when I leafy suburbs of a medium nautical antiques of various decided to sample some beer sized, British city, enjoying the types, including a polished myself. When in Rome, eh? name, “The Jolly Dutchman.” I brass porthole. Even at this It is actually quite flavoursome am going to go in and have a time in the early afternoon, and refreshing – I can see why look around. there are a few people here, it's popular. And very enjoying beer in what is reasonable at £5.30 for two I am now in what is known as traditionally known as 'a pint', I pints. 'the bar'. This is a small, am going to try and get an wood­floored room, divided in interview. “So Sir, how long have you two by a long counter (also, I been frequenting pubs?” am informed, known as 'the “Good evening Sir, I am Nigel bar' – confusing for those not Lungmuck from Rationalia “Name's Les. Since I were a familiar with pub­culture I magazine. I wonder if I could nipper I s'pose. Me and me would imagine!) On my side ask you a few questions?” mates used to hang around of the bar, there are numerous the old Nag's 'Ed, down by the small wooden tables and “Sure mate. Long as there's a market. Me brother Andy chairs, some taller stools, pint in it for us. Thirsty work, used to nip in for us, cos 'e cushioned benches along the questions.” were 16 and looked older. We walls and a full­sized pool used to get right 'ammered on 15

Pubs: What Are They Like Inside?

a couple o' 'alfs in them days. have been invited to visit them there are about 7 of us now. Ha ha” with these two and their other What a friendly place. friends later – really nice of “And how often do you visit them to invite me. This beer is We are moving on to The this pub?” extremely moreish, I think I'll Duke of Dorsetshire to drink have another – and get a more beer. I must say thatt “Oh I'm in 'ere most round for 'the lads' of course, the sun is very brigth after afternoons. Since I retired like being insides for long. there in't a lot else to do.” Anyway, the next pub is not far along the raod and they “And do you always drink sell Frumpton's Best, which I beer?” am told is 5.7% ­ I do'nt know what tht means but it id very “'Course. Do I look like some goood for a beer to be that poncy wine­drinker? Ha ha. I high a pervcent accordnig to might 'ave a couple o' shorts Les. at the end of a night but mainly just the ale.” Shager bit myhand when I tried tomoev his sucer. “Ale? Is that the same as beer?” I' m in TheLantern now.Its another pub and they hav berr “Bloody 'ell mate. Where they called 'The Barman s Crotchh' dig you up from? 'Course it is. which verynice. IS vry freinly You getting another in then? place as well nad we hav a lot Told you it was thirsty work.” mor rounsd. I dididn's nottice bu t its very Well Les certainly seems an getting darrk outsidre.. We affable chap. I am getting will bee movingg t o the nexxt another 'round' in, as a pub in litlewhile/. collection of ales is known. I had no idea that pubs had so I THIK I Mighhgt bew much terminology. Guess unwell.iJuts neeed to ly down. that's what I'm here to find out. I dont know ewhat pib thus Les's mate Barry has just is.myy rond AGAIN entered with his dog, Shagger, I am buying Barry a pint too, and a saucer for Shagger. Well that was the end of This is all very jolly, I must say. Nigel's report. His wife says that he is recovering from I am learning a lot from these his mystery illness and that two chaps, although Les is the stains in the carpet having to translate everything should come out with a little that Barry says due to his baking soda. I am sure that losing his teeth the other night. you all join with us here at Apparently, there are a couple the magazine in wishing him of other pubs nearby and I a speedy recovery.

Issue 1 — June 2009 16

Ask Clinton Huxley

Dear Clinton, Dear Clinton,

May I humbly ask for an The wife has gotten some advice on persuading my bloody modern ideas in her grandmother to start wearing noggin and is insisting upon diapers? I can't wash all that us making love with the light panties and knickers. I need to on. I don't know what's come watch some football and mud Dear Clinton, over her, light's out and a hole wrestling on the telly. Please in the blanket was good help! A chappie has just moved into enough for Mater and Pater the house next door and he and it will damn well be good With deepest regards, has a bit of a rum accent. I am enough for her. That's what I Auntie Elma thinking that he may be a told her but does she listen? damn Frenchy! Is there an Apparently she has 'needs' easy way to tell? I wouldn't whatever they are. I am at my Dear Mrs Elma, want to run him through and wits' end. then find he was only a This is all the fault of the Dutchman. Do you have any advice old bloody socialists who have chap? I am worried that it ruined this country. In my Yours, might be this damnable day, the likes of your Perplexed of Essex women's liberation we keep Grandmother would have hearing about! been able to support Yours sincerely, themselves and not been a Dear Mr Perplexed, burden on the family ­ General Sir Cedric Frump, carting nightsoil to the In the rush for gramophones 14th Earl of Stockportshire. Thames, selling favours in and bicycles and universal the Rookeries, offering suffrage and all the other themselves for the paraphernalia of this experimental education of "modern age", it seems that My Dear Frumpie, the anatomists of University much wisdom, gleaned at College. The dignity of great cost by warhorses Hmmmmm. My general rule honest work, outlawed by such as myself, has been of thumb is that beastliness the modern mania for forgotten. There is an easy should be conducted in "human rights". Where were way to discover, with utter strict "blackout" conditions MY rights in the Crimea, certainty, which of the less with one's wife and that eh?!? Haarr! Harrumph! fortunate nations of the illumination should be Ahem. Anyway, if you are world your neighbour hails reserved for one's mistress. being forced to look after from. Have one of your I shall remind Lady Frump the old crone, I will send you servants rummage through of this when next we a catalogue of Huxley the man's bins. If, within, he meet..... Industries Patented finds empty bottles of Thunderboxes and give you mercury, it's as sure as a 10% discount. mustard he's a Frog. Send questions by email to: [email protected] 17

Analysis: Metamorphosis Literary analysis of Franz Kafka’s Metamorphosis through a Nietzschean “Will to Power” lens The great limitation of the human being is the have a God to ensure their good behaviour, fear of thinking for oneself, of relying on and a Satan to take the blame for their bad oneself, of abandoning all forms of support that behaviour, will never learn self­reliance or any the individual is convinced he needs. For form of responsibility. In many ways, the Nietzsche, the great crutch of humanity is Samsa family finds itself just as attached to its Christianity. In his 1888 book The Antichrist, he crutch, in their case Gregor, and will never argued that as long as men feel the need to make their lives worth living unless they rely on religion to give them purpose, they will abandon what they imagine to be a necessary never reach their full potential. Pity is not a support. virtue, as it fosters weakness; religious lies distract people from the true purpose of living, Gregor is not quite an ideal parallel to that of self­empowerment and striving to the Christianity, obviously, as he is a conscious superhuman ideal; and a people that need to entity capable of forethought and setting himself objectives, and not a metaphysically based system of belief and ethics, but the effect that Christianity has on its believers and that Gregor has on his family can successfully be compared for psychosocial analysis. The relationship between the crutch and the cripple has a common function. For the Samsas, living in entreguerre Europe, filial duty and submission come as a natural way of life, and Gregor and his family never stop to question the financial arrangement of the household. It seems to be a natural product of their society that they all fit so easily and comfortably into this way of life. The harm that this blind acceptance has on Gregor is obvious, for it is he who bears the brunt of the work. But the obligation to maintain perceived social standards has a harmful effect on the family as well, although less noticeable than that on Gregor.

The family has become so used to Gregor working for them that their self­reliance has atrophied and withered away, like a hallucinogen user slipping further and further into his apparently sustaining lifestyle. They don’t even consider the possibility of any other working habit; they just assume that this is the best way for them. As such, they never attempt to engage in any activity necessary for their own survival. Gregor never does anything life­ affirming because he is constantly working to

Issue 1 — June 2009 18

bring in money for his family; his family never truly respected as a person and achieve any does anything life affirming because they never sort of independence and strength, it is have to work to make their life possible in the necessary to free yourself from delusional first place. How can you give something value beliefs. Are you more moral if you act morally if you never have to struggle to have it in the out of fear of divine judgement, or if you act first place? morally out of a sense of personal morality and decency? Are you stronger if you live for Just as the Samsas unfalteringly accept the yourself or if you live for an imaginary friend? passive position on the receiving end of the bargain, so do many believers in Christianity The Samsas experience a similar form of unthinkingly accept the religious outlook on life enlightenment and liberation, which leads to as non­debatable fact. As Richard Dawkins so their improvement as human beings once their poignantly points out in the foreword to his crutch is taken away from them with Gregor’s book, The God Delusion, the vast majority of metamorphosis. During Gregor’s period as an people who live by Christian rules and insect, the family undergoes a period of Christian ideals do so only because it is the confusion and fear, not unlike a believer having only thing they have ever known and because a faith crisis. Once Gregor finally dies, the they didn’t know they could leave. This means family emerges from their home with new life, that they are born and raised with belief in a having been struck by a sense of hope, not certain set of moral perspectives, which unlike someone who views the world without condition not only their everyday actions, but reference to his previous faith. The new life, their psychological makeup as well, and, nay, the very joie de vivre is characterized in according to Nietzsche, impede them from Grete, who represents “the confirmation of their reaching happiness and their full potential as new dreams and good intentions when at the human beings. For Nietzsche, religion is a lie end of the ride their daughter got up first and that detracts from human value, and that to be stretched her young body.” ­ Frigid Symphony 19

Under Magnolia's Shade...

Once upon a time, Japanese the family Magnoliceae. This Magnolia bark also has been poet Kobayashi Issa wrote group of ancient trees, that are shown to reduce allergic and “Under cherry blossom's in fact living fossils, now seem asthmatic reactions. shade, there's no such thing to be on verge of extinction ­ Magnolia glonifora is the as a stranger”, and that can be over half of all species are official state flower of states, applied even more to magnolia threatened or are in danger of Mississippi and Louisiana. – anyone that has ever walked dying out. That's 131 of the The flower's abundance in by the magnolia's tree in world's 245 known wild Mississippi is reflected in the bloom can confirm it. magnolia species. nickname of "Magnolia State". The magnolia is also the state Magnolia are ancient trees Their natural range is a tree of Mississippi. that developed even before disjunct distribution, with a bees, and whose flowers main centre in east and Magnolia has attracted the evolved to be pollinated by southeast Asia, secondary interest of the dental research beetles instead. As a result, centres in eastern, north and community because its bark the carpels of Magnolia central Asia, and also the extract inhibits many of the flowers are tough, in order to West Indies. bacteria responsible for caries avoid damage by eating and and periodontal disease. In crawling beetles. Fossilized Despite their obvious beauty, addition, the constituent specimens of M. acuminata they have some quite practical magnolol disrupts the have been found dating to 20 usage as well ­ the bark from formation of bacterial plaque. million years ago, and of M. officinalis has long been plants identifiably belonging to used in traditional Chinese So, each time you pass by the the Magnoliaceae, dating to 95 medicine, where it is known as magnolia tree in bloom, million years ago. Another hou po. In Japan, koboku, M. remember that you have just primitive aspect of Magnolias obovata has been used in a stepped into a time machine, is their lack of distinct sepals similar manner. The aromatic and you have been blessed or petals. bark contains magnolol and with a little bit of Jurassic honokolol, two polyphenolic magic. Cherish and protect Magnolia is a large genus of substances that have them, as they deserve. about 210 species in the demonstrated anti­anxiety and subclass Magnolioieideae of anti­angiogenic properties. ­ Ryokan

Issue 1 — June 2009 20

The Zaniac: Mangy Horrorscopes someone else’s reaction to you is: 1) Most people really don’t want to see you fail, and 2) It ain’t your shit if they do. You need lots of hugs this month, so make sure you give them too, if you can find anyone to hug you. At the end of the by Dasein Sapphire month something will happen that will change your life in countless ways, and it will be change you resist, but that‘s just the way the stars shine, May 21 ­ June 20 amigo…, it will be as if every horse you bet on Mutinous ­ The Contrary breaks a leg in the gate, or the jockey is over weight limit and the poor bastard can‘t climb up to Although May brings warmth the saddle. Tsk tsk. to the earth, for you it brought cold and forbidding internal storms, you’ve felt the July 23 ­ August 22 duplicitous nature of your Inebrias ­ The Drunkard fellows, and worse, your own inclination towards deceiving This month if you were a tree, you would wear your sap on yourself. The secrets you’ve been keeping will the outside and your leaves on be found out, but instead of destroying you as the inside. You are just as likely you so feared, will surprise no one and you’ll to laugh on a rainy day and cry find you were torturing yourself with worry for when the sun shines; you walk nothing, you will walk in a rainless season and up the down escalator, swim in the sun will feel good on your skin. With the sand and make castles out of waves. Your stars onset of June, the flux capacitor in Jupiter's haven’t been this misaligned since conception, wake will send vibrations hovering over Uranus, when the egg that was fertilized to create you causing you some distress and indecision, but was supposed to have been the one next to it. as the Star Vesuvius will eventually erupt, your Your place at the table is under it, you eat choices will present with clarity, and your path pudding with a fork, and steak with a spoon. It is will be swept clean of rubble. Now you must interesting to know you, because nothing you do take responsibility and choose appropriate is ever the same twice, routine for you is disarray. footwear for your journey, no flip­flops! Or, conversely, just as soon as someone expects nothing from you, you behave in perfect synchronicity, surprising and pleasing those around you with unexpected accomplishment and June 21­ July 22 precision. It would be a good idea to call your Sequestrio ­ The Solitary uncle this month. It’s that time when you look in the mirror and you think, okay, so this is the deal, you, and August 23 ­ September 22 then you feel slightly silly for Blazio ­ The Fiery speaking to yourself as if you This is the month to place your are another person, well, foot one rung higher; though don’t…it’s good practice. And your eye may recoil at the plus who else do you have to vision of all that’s spread talk to? It’s the gravitational pull of your self­ beneath you, and though it mesmerization, and the more you turn inwards, seems that to go any higher the more difficult it will be to break free of this would be impossible, once you lift your leg and orbit. With The Great Cheese in it’s 32nd house; bend your knee and place your foot and move It’s a good time to review your mistakes, write your arms to grasp the rung above, you'll find you them down, and let them go, your mistakes don’t have monkey toes, and sticky pads like frogs do define you, just remember these words the next on your fingers and suddenly unpainted rooms time you feel down about what you perceive will inspire you to splash a bit of color about you, 21 and while you are at it, take down those curtains even greater strength. No one suffers as much as and give them a wash. Make a few small you, or reaches such heights of bliss. Be warned, purchases for yourself, and sing in the shower, for spring is dying, and summer can quickly turn a even if you can’t carry a tune, whatever positive spark of love to something obscene; tread action you take this month will trickle into the delicately the days ahead, with the light foot of a months to come, and life will be better than dancer, but find some way to stay grounded, go you’ve ever known it to be. This is a good month fishing, buy new underwear, not satiny or frilly or for a garage sale, so get rid of your clutter, and silk, but plain old cotton. You and those you love make a little money too. will be better for it, and less likely to get a heat rash too.

September 23 ­ October 22 Nomadi ­ The Wanderer November 22 ­ December 21 Automatonus ­ The Drone You hardly dare draw breath, this month, anxiety is your You are easily deceived this companion as much as the month into thinking that nose on your face is; you look complete obedience to up and see the world, and look authority is necessary and down to find your feet shackled even desired, and so you plod and the bolt has long rusted along, yessirs and yessums shut, not even a key would budge it now, if you flitting out from between happened to know where it was. The Wanderer's flossed, sparkling teeth. And yet, the bile of truth chained, but your mind roves; caught on a settles into bitterness as watch those around you cardinal’s whuwhuwhu and bright as the red of its exert a spirit that you detest, you watch as they feathers. You become like a sun that never rises, careen recklessly along, and by so doing attain or a moon that never waxes full. The wall and glory and prizes that you have so hoped to locks stop you, and they’ve been on so long acquire by adherence to 'good' behavior. Your anyway that if you found yourself suddenly free of intellect is sound, and memory intact, learn from them, you’d stand like a horse that’s never been this, learn to let go of the rules a little, relax, take pastured, only ridden by a harsh master and put little steps, try to break this habit, and soon it will away wet. The first thing to remember this month become as easy to you as tying a shoe. It is however, is that kindness can come from the highly possible that this may get you fired from inside, so stop berating yourself for your inability your job, or divorced from you spouse, as people to move, and tell that frustrated person inside that have come to expect you to behave, and will its okay. Even in a stable a few blades of grass resist the change, but you will grow, and begin to may grow, even if they are dropped from and taste life as it should be, as a gift, and not a fertilized with your own shit. chore. And DON'T eat Chinese this month if you value your life.

October 23 ­ November 21 Pornio ­ The Lover December 22 ­ January 19 The most difficult to fathom of Ephiphanatus ­ The Liberator all of the Signs of the Zaniac, The hot months draw you in the Lover is, as usual, this and your blood is equal to month a mix of ogre, tyrant, them. You’ve burgeoned like a slave, fool, sage and beauty, swollen spring river with all of shifting from one attribute to the your unmet desires, the time next with the slightest has come to dismantle the dam provocation, you regard life as and allow them to flood the something to finagle, plains. Like the great Nile river you will nourish something to twist to suit your purposes, although the seeds that have long been shat there by the the drive to do this comes from a sacred well, birds in your dreams. Stop the train of thought your heart, but hearts are blind, we all know that, that leaves you powerless to act, if you clean your and reckless, capable of vast contradictions, and metaphorical glasses, you will see things as they

Issue 1 — June 2009 22 really are, and that volcano is truly only a sea­ maritime adventures, don’t forget your SPF 90, shell the size of a grasshopper. Take courage and a good book, I recommend anything by from the phases of the Moon, as it waxes this Stephen King, or Bill O'Reilly. month so will you. You are as sharp and timeless as the tip of Orion’s sword.

March 21 ­ April 19 Magus ­ The Beguiler January 20 ­ February 18 Perplexo ­ The Confused As this month dawns like a sunrise reflected upon a great You have been acting rashly, stone cliff, so shall you shine, illogically, and sporadically. appearing to others as if you Venus is in your soul, ruling are made of the sun itself. The you by passion alone, but your majesty of your mystery infects good intentions are irritating to even the most cynical of the rest of the world, who in creatures, calling forth a long comparison are trapped in buried hope within each of us routine, find some compassion to meld to your who are privileged enough to passion, put your cell phone down, text less, and gaze upon you. It will be as if talk more, the results will amaze you and inspire you are the ruler of the world, not one thing will your acquaintances to become friends. interfere with your destiny, but beware, dear Remember the ants, unity is more powerful than Magus, for as DooDah the Clown once said, singularity. On Fridays, it is the time to evoke your “With great power comes great responsibility,” optimism, light a candle to the west wind, and and it will be no small feat to keep from blinding piss outdoors at least once. This month, treat yourself with your own beauty and good luck, and your foes with understanding, and you will add quickly go from a Mensch to a Schlimazel. So seconds to your life. Lucky Numbers this Month: with humility, go forth to your reign this month, You don’t have any. But your lucky bird is a and as you learn the ways of the mighty, your cliff Pigeon, so make sure and feed at least two a shall remain ever lit, with only the scudding week some crusts of rye bread. Steer away from clouds to darken it. the white bread, it gives them hives.

February 19 ­ March 20 April 20 ­ May 20 Various ­ The Complex Inquisitous ­ The Skeptical The involvement you have with As a rule, your audacity keeps the outskirts of normalcy is you in good form throughout becoming flotsam on the river this month, but your of life, it’s time to do some sentimentality may trip you up dredging of the river to find the when least expected. It might corpses you thought you would be a good plan to do all of your never see again, it’s time to laundry on the 8th day of the month, and fold pay the cost of your treachery to yourself, it’s time them on the 10th. Or you could fold them on the to stop murdering your purity with refuse. Pay 8th and wash them on the 10th. The star Zabus heed to the pull of the sea, lull your hearts hides his head in perplexity, for the Seven Sisters quaking with repetition. The days ahead will are agitated and dance wildly before his eyes. require you to multitask with fervor, as you You can take advantage of this confusion to prepare for the intricate mess you will find simmer rose petals and apply them to the left yourself in, it will seem as if you are ensnared ankle which may bring a unexpected advantage beyond all hope of extrication, but finally, as Pluto when faced with a long line at the grocery store. forces his will on The Green Tortoise, the ring Your financial situation is in a good position this through your nose will loosen, and though you will month, it would be a good time to go on a wild have sore nostrils for some time, you will at last spending spree, and invest in a third world be able to shake your shiny hoofs on a parquet company, the risk will outweigh the gain which floor. So hop on that bus, and head out for your personality thrives on. 23

Fiction: Quorp's Tableau

04:33 VST, Friday, 13th August, A.D. 2602 – To Cardinal Mirth, Vatican Prime

Your Eminence,

I have arrived on a truly God­forsaken planet. It takes nearly three months to turn on its axis, allowing its sun’s heat time to scorch its surface mercilessly and also time for that heat to drain away back into space, so that it is infernally hot by day and a few, scant degrees above the absolute at night. The atmosphere is as evil a mix of unbreathable poisons as to make the Devil himself choke. The toxic seas that make up the main part of the planet alternately boil and freeze according to the movement of the sun.

I feared initially that our holy brethren had surely erred in identifying this place as a cradle of God’s Holy creation. However, I have identified an elaborate series of caves which honeycomb a large portion of the sole continent – it appears to be from within these that signals of life were detected. I have managed to find a reasonably level area of rock close to one of the larger entrances upon which to station the Calvary III. I will report again once I have investigated.

Yours in Christ,

Monsignor Francis Fugg

21:42 VST, Friday, 13th August, A.D. 2602 – To Cardinal Mirth, Vatican Prime

Your Eminence,

I have encountered a truly marvellous civilisation within the cave­ system. There appear to be two interdependent species of humanoid beings. The first of these shows few signs of true intelligence, being rather the beasts of burden of the second; they labour within the tunnels, excavating new passages with their naked claws and harvesting a blue, moss­like plant which grows in damp caverns. Their bodies resemble nothing so much as long­limbed maggots, crawling for the most part on all fours but capable of standing erect if need be. They ignore me if I address them, or merely glance at me with no obvious interest before returning to their labours. I fear that they lack even the most rudimentary wit and that attempting to preach the Word of Our Lord to them would be

Issue 1 — June 2009 24 fruitless indeed. (A fact which brings me much relief, as their stench is quite as repulsive as their form.)

But oh, my dear Cardinal, the second creatures! They are tall and stately, having an aspect of gastropods and insects; with the slimy flesh and stalked eyes of the former, combined with the jointed limbs, wings and antennae of the latter. But it is their coloration that is truly remarkable, for they shine like the very rainbow which God sent as a sign to Noah, no inch of them remaining a single hue as they move in the light. They wear no clothes save metal and crystal jewellery and occasional pieces of delicate cloth, though they appear to lack any visible genitalia, so I presume that modesty is not offended.

Most importantly, they are undeniably intelligent and equally friendly, making an enormous fuss over me when I arrived. My Clixy has already begun to decipher their language and we have managed to exchange a few basic courtesies. I have been offered food that appears to have been prepared from the blue moss, along with some small creature, cooked in its shell (although my analyser has deemed both to be only marginally toxic, I fear that their somewhat forceful aroma is a little too alien for my stomach!) There appeared to be no offence given when I refused these delicacies, however, although they took great interest when I availed myself of my own provisions (and possibly amusement – the Clixy has yet to fully analyse the emotional contexts of their sounds and gestures, but the riot of chittering and antennae tapping that went on certainly resembled laughter to my eyes and ears.) I offered them a taste of lasagne, and while one brave individual dared try a morsel, I fear from its reaction that they are similarly averse to our food.

They have provided me with a capacious chamber of my own within their warren and I have begun to move my equipment out of the shuttle – there is even room enough for a chapel, which naturally was my first priority. Crowds of the creatures ­ which I have dubbed ‘Slugants’ after the two earthly creatures that they most resemble – watched enthusiastically as the float­sled conveyed my belongings from the Calvary III and through the caves to my temporary dwellings.

The atmosphere within the caves is remarkable compared with the outside, being similar to that of Earth, although richer in both oxygen and carbon dioxide and extremely humid. The temperature is pretty constant also and only slightly warmer than I would prefer. It would appear that the oxygen is produced by the copious vegetation, which grows everywhere by virtue of light passing through transparent crystals fissuring the rock of the caves. Close to the cavern entrances, other, far stranger types of vegetation abound and appear to thrive upon, and prevent the spread of, the noxious gases of the exterior. Truly, God’s provision for His creatures upon all His planets is miraculous! Praises be!

I must now speak my prayers and retire for the night – though it is constantly light here, I need my rest as always. I have left my 25

Clixy wandering among the Slugants in order to better acquire their language and mannerisms. They seem not the least apprehensive of either myself or that odd creature, almost strangely so. I am hoping that tomorrow I will be able to communicate sufficiently well for me to begin with my Mission to these beings. Who knows, maybe they will at last prove to be the first race besides ourselves that has been blessed with knowledge of Our Saviour!

Yours in Christ,

Monsignor Francis Fugg

11:07 VST, Saturday, 14th August, A.D. 2602 – To Cardinal Mirth, Vatican Prime

Your Eminence,

The day has barely begun and it is already so full of incident that I hardly know where to begin! Sufficient to say that while my news is of mixed import, I feel that I may have some truly great tidings with regard to my Holy Mission in the not too distant future! But I am getting ahead of myself, it would serve me better to relate the day’s events in sequence.

As I had hoped, the Clixy had managed a 91% assimilation of the Slugants' language while I rested, although there were the usual curious omissions, and I was able to communicate effectively while the beast was attached. The locals were fascinated by the way the beast's proboscis was inserted into my ear – they kept touching both me and the Clixy in curiosity, once again making evident noises of amusement.

As I mentioned already, this world has days of an extremely long duration – at this latitude and time of year, there are approximately 58 Earthly days of daylight before the long night sets in. I made my arrival with the planet’s sun already close to the horizon and I estimate a mere day, by our reckoning, remains until nightfall. The Slugants are very excited about this; apparently, performances of some kind – translated by the Clixy ­ as tableaux are due to be staged immediately following the sun's setting. I have been invited to attend and even offered a seat of honour close to the stage!

I was introduced to the colony's leader, a creature by the name of Muulquah (at least that is as close as I can render the appellation – if you will forgive the crudity, their voices sound like nothing so much as a person breaking wind in a bathtub, accompanied by a random series of clickings!)

After a formal exchange of greetings, most of which were sadly Issue 1 — June 2009 26 untranslatable, I explained that I had come to spread the Good News of Christ's victory over death to his people. To my horror, he announced that none of the Slugants (I retain that term as their actual designation is thoroughly impossible to transcribe) had died for millennia and had no intention of ever doing so again. When I explained that Jesus Christ was the Son of God, the Creator of all things, he replied that he had created the Slugants, himself included, and that only the Spop (the limbed maggots that I described earlier) gave birth to sons. When I explained Christ's power to redeem sins, he was nonplussed as to the meaning of sin. Eventually, showing obvious signs of boredom, he announced that he was needed in order to select his attire for the tableaux and, wishing me a pleasant continuation to my stay, abruptly left.

I was disheartened to say the least. These creatures were clearly delusional, for none but Christ Our Lord has power over death. I determined to return to my chamber and pray that the Lord should guide my ministry.

However, as I neared the cave provided for me, I was waylaid by a small, intent Slugant who introduced himself as Quorp. He had overheard much of my conversation with Muulquah and pleaded with me to tell him more of Christ, his death upon the cross, and his resurrection. I invited him to join me in my chambers and related the tale of the Holy Gospel, to which he paid avid attention throughout. He pressed me for more details about the Crucifixion, the Passion and Christ's burial and Resurrection, which I was happy to provide, although he seemed oddly less keen to hear of Our Lord's parables and teachings. Still, I feel that, God willing, I may soon have my first true convert among these curious folk.

Yours in Christ,

Monsignor Francis Fugg

21:22 VST, Saturday, 14th August, A.D. 2602 – To Cardinal Mirth, Vatican Prime

Your Eminence,

I had a curious exchange with Quorp a few hours ago. I had barely begun to preach to a group of Slugants when he ran across in great agitation and shooed them away. I explained that it was my Sacred Duty to spread the Holy Word of Our Lord Jesus Christ to as many people as possible but he insisted that I not inform another soul until after the performance of the tableaux which is scheduled to commence in approximately twelve hours time as I reckon it. It appears, as far as I can gather that he wishes to present the Good News of the Gospel as his contribution to that event. While I 27 cannot condone his vanity in this, I do admire his fervour and commitment, and so have reluctantly agreed to forestall my mission to these beings until after the performance. For this reason, I have restricted myself to learning what I can of the Slugart's culture and civilisation, as well as answering their myriad questions regarding our own.

It would appear that they are a civilisation in decline. Although they possess machinery and instruments of incredible craftsmanship, showing a level of technology rivalling our own in many areas, they seem ignorant of the methods of production of these items. Their responses indicate that they believe that they themselves built them millions of years ago (a biblical impossibility which I have allowed to pass for now) but have not bothered to make any for so long that they can't remember the production methods used, besides, they claim further, everything within the caves has been crafted so as to last forever! They seem to believe that it was actually themselves as individuals that were the manufacturers, not other, earlier members of their race; I at first took this to be an extended metaphor which the Clixy was mistranslating but have since inclined to the opinion that it is more likely to be a shared delusion arising from racial senility, inbreeding and decadence. I feel the Lord's hand guiding me to bring enlightenment to these people.

I must retire now, in preparation for tomorrow's production. I must admit a quiver of anticipation.

Yours in Christ,

Monsignor Francis Fugg

07:55 VST, Sunday, 15th August, A.D. 2602 – To Cardinal Mirth, Vatican Prime

Your Eminence,

It is almost time for the tableaux to be performed. Quorp has informed me that his relating of the Gospel has been brought forward to the second slot of the scheduled 23, owing to its 'originality of concept'. I have no idea precisely what is meant by that phrase in this context and attribute it to a mistranslation by the Clixy.

The whole cave system appears to be in a state of great excitement. Huge, gurgling cheers were heard a few hours earlier, as it was announced that the sun had touched the horizon. Lighting systems have begun to operate, although only at a low level; I am informed that they will be turned up to full strength following the

Issue 1 — June 2009 28 tableaux. Teams of Spop are presently erecting a massive stage and elaborate seating platforms in a great cavern about a mile from my quarters. I have been instructed to proceed to the cavern entrance in 45 minutes time for the entrance ceremony. I therefore bid you God's Blessings until I report later.

Yours in Christ,

Monsignor Francis Fugg

10:49 VST, Sunday, 15th August, A.D. 2602 – To Cardinal Mirth, Vatican Prime

Blasphemy, Your Eminence! Blasphemy! Never have I witnessed such sacrilege! These creatures are the very spawn of Satan himself! I should have recognised them from their pleasing and glowing forms. Oh yes I have been deceived by the Deceiver himself, this is none other than Lucifer's work! The planet seemed Hell indeed upon my arrival and I decry that I did not trust my initial instincts! Such Blasphemy!!

I am returned to the Calvary III, and have taken a few moments to compose myself, for I must relate the atrocious scenes which I have witnessed, despite their barbarous iniquity, for fear that others be tempted to visit this pit of Hades without.

The performance began ordinarily enough, with a procession of Slugants – Demons more like! ­ that slowly filled the whole chamber apart from the stage. As guest of honour, I was seated next to Muulquah in an ornate, cushioned throne with a team of Spop instructed to bring me water and food should I so wish, an offer which I respectfully declined. And then, with a blare of some shrill, atonal instrument, the performance commenced.

A Slugant by the name of Uuraquot was introduced. It was announced that he would be presenting an 'elaboration upon the trial of Quuq­ Uq', which obviously had no meaning to me. Oh, if only I had known and my eyes had not seen what happened next!

Uuraquot stood forward of centre­stage and began to declaim in an unknown variant of the Slugant tongue. The Clixy was unable to translate more than a few words here and there and I reasoned that this must be an ancient language, perhaps equivalent to Latin or Classical Greek, and that Uuraquot was reciting some archaic verse or play. The audience listened attentively at first, making small, chittering noises which my Clixy interpreted as notes of approval but soon a sourer tone intruded into their commentary and a few coughs and whoops intruded. Shortly after this the audience stood to a man and screeched loudly with impatience, completely drowning 29 out the words of the creature on stage. I assumed at this point that they were being critical of his performance but then he began to rip off his jewellery and other accoutrements in a most violent manner, at some points ripping open his flesh. At this the audience's catcalls turned into shrieks of laughter and encouragement and I deduced that the audience reactions were as much a part of the show as his speech.

Then things turned ugly and I can hardly bring myself to relate these events; yet I must. From recesses to the sides of the stage, large machines were wheeled out to thunderous applause. Each was a square base with a central pillar rising from it. Chains or cables dangled from the pillars and trailed along the floor behind as the machines were put in place. Uuraquot watched the installation with apparent scorn, eventually ignoring them completely and beginning again to address the audience, this time to increased catcalling and a tribal, rhythmic chanting from some of the rearmost spectators. The Slugants that had wheeled out the machines retreated and then one of them brought a small box to where Muulquah sat, in a throne almost three times the size of my own. He held the box aloft to jubilant cries and increased chanting and pushed a glowing button on its surface.

Slowly at first, the pillars on the twin machines began to rotate, the attached chains at first wrapped about it but then, as the speed of rotation increased, they were lifted and unravelled by centripetal force until their edges began to catch Uuraquot, who was still attempting to be heard above the clamour of both machine and audience. The chains were obviously barbed at their ends, for they ripped into his skin wickedly, tearing off chunks of flesh which were swung around and hurled in all directions, mainly into the audience, where fights broke out between onlookers tussling for the honour of throwing the meat back onto the stage. The speaker seemed strangely unperturbed by this flailing, even as his limbs were torn from his trunk and his flesh pared down to reveal a black and thorny internal skeleton he continued to attempt to complete his speech, abandoning the effort only when his mouthparts were torn off by whips reaching his face from both sides simultaneously. But even after this, he remained standing until his spine itself was severed and his top half fell to the stage floor, his legs slowly toppling after.

The audience were in a state of delirium, their din driving out all coherent thought. I was shocked into inaction by what I had seen. These creatures had seemed so peaceful and passive and yet they were capable of such barbarity to one of their own kind. The vicious, gladiatorial combats of the pre­Christian Romans was immediately brought to mind. There were splashes of Slugant blood, a rich purple in colour all around me, including on my clothes and face. The Slugants that were similarly splashed were actually licking the gore from their bodies! Cannibals! Attendants ran around the stage once the machines had stopped and gathered up the stray pieces of Uuraquot, dumping them all in an unceremonious heap.

Issue 1 — June 2009 30

Then Muulquah stood to speak, “My fellows!” he shouted, “This was a noble effort at an original rendition of Quuq­Uq's Trial by our great dramatist Uuraquot. Sadly however, it was a mere elaboration upon his last performance 77 turns ago and not a truly inspired retelling. I am sorry to say that he will not receive advancement for this performance, although I consider his strong rendition sufficient to preclude any actual diminution of his status.” This news, whatever it meant, was greeted by muted applause from the audience.

It was then that I looked towards the stage. To my utter horror, the pile of what had once been Uuraquot was twitching and bubbling like heated porridge. A few stray scraps were creeping along the floor like maggots or worms to join the roiling mass and then, with infinite slowness, the patchwork, lacerated carcass rose to its feet, small bits of itself still wriggling into position, and actually took a bow before being helped off the stage by the two stagehands.

“Did you enjoy our first tableau, Monsignor Fugg?” inquired Muulquah, “I fear it did not live up to its billing as a true innovation upon the theme, although I imagine that to a newcomer such as yourself, it nevertheless possessed a certain allure.”

Before I could reply, he turned and began a conversation with another of the high­ranking Slugants on his left. I was left alone with my thoughts and my terror, fearing that Quorp would suffer a similar fate as he attempted to bravely preach Our Lord's Gospel. How wrong I was!

Once the stage was cleared, drapes were pulled across, concealing the rear portion and Quorp was announced to some stifled applause and mutters of curiosity.

“My Fellows!” boomed Muulquah, “I would like to explain this unexpected change to our schedule. As I am sure you are all aware, Quorp is of lowly rank, a mere Inviolate in fact, and would not normally merit a place so high in the order of the tableaux. However, he approached me a few hours previously and made a most extraordinary claim.

“My Fellows, if I may have your full attention?” he waited until the hubbub of curiosity and furious hushes had subsided completely before continuing, “Quorp has promised to perform not a mere elaboration. Not an innovation. Not even a metamorphosis! No, my Fellows, Quorp has announced that he will perform a complete Novelty tonight!” The audience gasped and then burst into a mixture of shrieks of delight and cries of disbelief. Muulquah raised three of his hands for silence, “As you know, this is a great gamble on the part of Quorp; should he succeed, he will be advanced to the rank of Disciplinarian! However, should he fail, his rank will be stripped entirely and he will be herding Spop for the next thousand turns!”

There was an unbelievable commotion from the audience now, this was 31 quite obviously an unprecedented event and they were in such a state of excitement that I was forced to utilise the dampers on my skin­suit in order to reduce the noise levels. I was already in a high state of trepidation regarding what was to follow but there was still one more shock to come before that particular atrocity was played out.

Uuraquot, parts of his body still open and dripping ichor, his face lopsided and missing several mouthparts (although it appeared that fresh parts were already growing to replace them) and with two attendants assisting him to walk, his back still seeming to be hinged in the middle, came forth from the backstage area and approached Muulquah. His leader reached out a hand, drew him close and them bit of a tiny portion of exposed flesh, licking the fresh blood that oozed from the wound. Uuraquot bowed to him again and moved off to take an empty seat further along the front row.

And then it was time for Quorp's Tableau. The cavern was hushed as he began to speak, “My Fellows. I bring you a tale of old Earth, the ancestral world of our guest Monsignor Fugg.” He beckoned to me to rise and in my befuddled state I did that very thing, even bowing my head as the audience showed its appreciation. I then listened helplessly as Quorp butchered the Holy Gospel in front of me.

“This tale, is of a man named Jesus Christ. A creature such as the Monsignor himself, but also the son of a great ruler known as God!

“God ruled all of the Earth except for the lands of the Jews and Romans and they were jealous of his power, so the Jews followed him to the land of Jerusalem, where they caught him and his gang, the notorious Disciples, preying on the Jews. One of these Disciples was secretly working for the Jews and pointed Jesus out to them with a kiss.” At this, another Slugant ran onto the stage and bit a large chunk out of Quorp's cheek, handing it to three others who appeared from behind the curtain. They divided the morsel between them and chewed it while Quorp continued, “The Jews tried Jesus and decided that their friends the Romans could help to kill him in order to give an example to his father, God.” The three 'Jews' began kicking and punching Quorp all over the stage until two more assistants entered, wearing helmets and carrying short swords; they promptly joined in the kicking and took a few quick stabs at Quorp as well, who cheerfully continued his narration.

“The Romans and the Jews made Jesus wear a crown of thorns.” At this, one of the 'Romans' brought forth a headdress and proceeded to nail it to Quorp's head with several thick, six­inch spikes.

“Then they decided on the most brutal,” he looked directly at Muulquah at this point, “and novel death that their primitive culture could imagine – Behold! The Cross!” The curtain was drawn away revealing a huge replica, exact in every detail, of the crucifix around my neck. It even had the embossed figure of Our Lord Jesus Christ already hanging from it, as if merely a part of the design!

Issue 1 — June 2009 32

“The Romans and the Jews took Jesus and they lashed him and scourged him before nailing his arms legs and body to the cross!” The other Slugants fell upon Quorp and began hacking at him with cudgels, swords and whips. From time to time, one of them would chop off one of his limbs and they would duly run to the cross and nail the arm or leg to one of its arms. Finally, when all of Quorp's many limbs (some in several pieces) had been attached to the cross, they lifted the battered and crushed body and nailed this directly into the image of Christ himself! Oh Lord God and Holy Mary forgive my eyes this blasphemous sight!

Finally, Quorp's head, which had been spared the worst of the onslaught, was placed atop the upright of the cross and hammered into place with a huge nail directly through the crown. The audience, which had remained silent throughout all but the most violent parts of the tableau, began to cheer wildly but were silenced by the Slugants on the stage. One of them produced a stick with a small box at one end and held it close to Quorp's face. His mouthparts twitched slightly and his frail voice came amplified from all corners of the cavern, “Father forgive them, for they know not what they do.” Once this speech had been delivered, the Slugants playing Jews and Romans began cudgelling Quorp's head anew, until it split apart and fell in two halves to the floor, leaving only the bloodied spike protruding from the top of the cross.

The audience erupted and ran towards the stage en masse. This finally broke the spell of horror that I was under and I ran onto the stage myself before they could reach it, seizing the microphone stick and crying out to the crowd, my clixy­processed, amplified voice ringing from all sides of the cave, “Blasphemers! Defilers! Devils!” I cried, “In the name of God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit, I condemn you for this act of sacrilege! The Lord Thy God is mighty and he will avenge this world for the way you have polluted the Holy Word of the Gospel of Jesus Christ!”

I continued until I was hoarse but the fiends merely saw it as a continuation of the tableau, their uproarious shrieks and applause ringing around me with renewed vigour with every new curse I laid upon them. I am ashamed to say that I resorted to gross profanity in my abhorrent tirade against them, at some points I fear I may even have been guilty of the sin of blasphemy itself, such was the weight of outrage and righteous anger that they had placed upon my soul.

As I lost the voice to condemn them further, I heard a noise behind me and turned in time to see the grotesque, partially reassembled form of Quorp reaching out to hug me with his reattached limbs. He seized me before I could flee and gripped me tightly, forcing the dripping stump of one of his still­unattached arms into my gaping, aghast mouth. I gagged and vomited at both the vile taste of his bloody flesh and the horror of my predicament, and for his final indignity, Quorp recited the words that I had known and loved since childhood, words I now fear forever tainted with evil, “Take, eat, this is my body...” ­ Xamonas Chegwé

Issue 1 — June 2009 33

Cookery Corner: Seitan

There are three primary Chinese forms of wheat gluten:

1. Oily/oil fried gluten (yóu miàn jīn): Raw gluten that has been torn into small bits, then deep fried into small puffy balls of around 3–5 cm in diameter and sold as "imitation abalone". They are golden brown in colour, and braised or boiled in a savoury soup or stew before eating, and frequently paired with xiang gu (black mushrooms). Wheat gluten, also called seitan or fu, is made by washing wheat flour dough with water 2. Steamed gluten (zhēng miàn jīn): Raw until all the starch dissolves, leaving insoluble gluten that has been wrapped around itself to gluten as an elastic mass which is then cooked form a long sausage shape which is then before being eaten. steamed. When this sausage­shaped gluten is thickly sliced into medallions, the resulting It was developed centuries ago by Buddhist form is called miàn lún (literally "gluten monks, probably as a meat substitute. With 29 wheels"). Larger blocks of steamed gluten are percent protein and less than 1 percent fat, sometimes coloured pink and sold as dried fu, like tofu and tempeh, is an Asian food vegetarian "mock ham." with great potential for health­conscious consumers. 3. Baked spongy gluten (kǎo fū): Similar in texture to a sponge, kao fu (sometimes Seitan is a neologism of Japanese origin, as labelled in English as "bran puff") is made by formulated by the Japanese­born philosopher leavening raw gluten, then baking or steaming George Ohsawa (1893–1966), it derived from it. They are sold as small blocks in Chinese the Japanese sei­ ("to be", "to become"), or markets and are then diced up and cooked. ­sei ("of the nature of," "made of," e.g. in This type of gluten absorbs its cooking liquid shokubutsu­sei, "made of vegetable") + tan­, like a sponge and is enjoyed for its "juicy" as in tanpaku (shitsu) ("protein"). character.

Chinese Japanese

Wheat gluten, called miàn jīn in Chinese, In Japanese cuisine the traditional type of (literally "noodle/dough tendon"; also spelled wheat gluten is called fu (lit. "gluten"). mien chin or mien ching) is believed to have originated in ancient China as a meat There are two main forms of fu, the raw nama­ substitute for adherents of Buddhism, fu, and the dry yaki­fu: particularly Mahayana Buddhist monks, who were strict vegetarians. One story attributes 1. Raw (nama­fu): Solid gluten is mixed with the invention of imitation meat to chefs who glutinous flour and millet and steamed in large made it for Chinese emperors who, blocks. It may be shaped and coloured in a traditionally, observed a week of vegetarianism variety of ways, using ingredients such as each year. Miàn jīn is often deep fried before mugwort. Popular shapes include autumn­ being cooked, which confers a crispy rind that coloured maple leaves, bunnies, and other enhances the texture of the gluten. generally "cute" forms. Such shapes and 34

colours enhance the attractiveness of the is often flavoured with shiitake or portobello cooked product since steamed gluten has an mushrooms, fresh coriander or onion, or unappealing grey tone. barbecue sauce vegetable­based broth.

2. Dry baked (yaki­fu or sukiyaki­fu): The Seitan Cutlets (for pizza) gluten is leavened with baking powder and baked into long bread­like sticks. It is often 2 1/2 cups vital wheat gluten sold in cut form, as hard dry discs resembling 3/4 cup cold vegetable broth croutons or bread rusk. Yaki­fu is typically 1/4 cup nutritional yeast added to miso soup and sukiyaki, where it 1/4 cup chickpea flour absorbs some of the broth and acquires a fine 1/4 cup red wine texture that is lighter and fluffier than its 1/2 cup dark soy sauce Chinese equivalent. It is the most commonly 1 tbsp Marmite available type of fu in Japanese supermarkets. 3­4 cloves garlic, minced 2 tbsp olive oil Macrobiotic 6 ­ 8 cups cold broth As prepared in macrobiotic practice, seitan consists of powdered wheat gluten, which is Preheat oven to 350 degrees. extracted from whole wheat flour by washing the flour and rinsing away the starch. The Measure the dry ingredients into a mixing gluten powder (also called vital wheat gluten or bowl. Mix the wet ingredients in a small bowl gluten flour) is then mixed with just enough with the garlic. Add the wet to the dry and water to form a stiff paste, which is then knead thoroughly. Use a kitchen aid mixer with kneaded in order to produce a firm, stringy a dough hook and let it go about 10­12 texture. The dough is then cut into pieces and minutes. Add a tiny bit more broth as you go if cooked via steaming, boiling, frying, or other you think it needs it. The resulting dough will methods. While seitan is itself rather need to be worked until you get a "log". Keep flavourless, it holds a marinade very well and is rolling it until it will hold together and looks usually simmered in a dashi (broth) made from seamless. This is a lot easier to do than it soy sauce, kombu, ginger and sometimes sounds. If it sticks to you, wet your hands a sesame oil. little. Cut into cutlets and spread them/shape them until they are about 1/4 to 1/2 inch thick. Western Pour your broth into 2 9 X 13 pans or one larger roasting pan if you have it. Bake for 30 Since the mid­20th century, wheat gluten has minutes, turn over and bake another 40 been increasingly adopted by vegetarians in minutes. Allow to cool. Use what you want and western nations as a realistic meat substitute, refrigerate/freeze the rest. ­ Ryokan particularly by vegetarians who previously ate meat and miss its taste and/or texture.

It is sold in block, strip and shaped forms in North America, where it is very difficult to find outside of Asian food markets and health food stores. Cooperative companies also sell powdered gluten (marketed under the names "vital wheat gluten" or "gluten flour") for those who wish to make their own gluten from scratch. The block form is most prevalent and

Issue 1 — June 2009 35

Fiction: A Compact Messiah

I left the house this evening with nothing more ‘Fuck you.’ than the things that happened to be in my pockets at that time. Small change, keys, ‘I believe we’ve covered that.’ phone and a compact disc. I hate that compact disc. You know why? Because the damn things ‘Bastard.’ never wear out. But it isn’t just that. In fact, that is not really what bothers me at all. The thing And with that she left. I am sure she had more will never wear out which means that it is as if I to say. Like I give a damn. I am sure she’ll go never touched it. And that is my life. It’s as if I home to her best friend and cry in to her never touched it. I feel like a gun that was pajamas and complain that she always attracts ready to fire but which has uncocked, and now dickheads like me, all the while they’ll both eat someone has taken the bullets out. You see, I a gallon of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream and am dying. I have about twelve hours left. That’s watch stupid romance films. I don’t care. it. The sum total of my life on Earth is about to Beggars can’t be choosers. I just sat on my take place in the next twelve hours. When I sofa, scratching my balls and drinking. I had first got the news I did what anyone would do. I long since run out of lager, so I had moved on went out and got myself absolutely hammered. to the whiskey. When that ran dry I had no I drank all day, sobered up and then started option but to drink the apple wine that my ex drinking again. Then I picked up a girl. Christ bought me seven years ago. It was shocking she was ugly, a real ten­to­twoer, but can you but it did the job. This was all about function blame a dying man? We danced until the small for me now. After she left I had a shower and hours and then we left the club. I took her decided to go out. God knows where I was down the alley at the side of the nightclub and I going. All I knew was that I had a job to do. I screwed her as if no­one was watching. had to hit a populated area of town before the People were pointing and she was so drunk pathogen in me became inert. She probably that she didn’t care. At one point a policeman had it already. Wasn’t that nice of me? I didn’t came to arrest us both, but when he realised just fuck her, I really fucked her. who I was he left me alone. I hit that woman like I was an animal. Then I took her home and So, off into town I went, ready to make my did her again, and again, and again. Six times mark. Goodbye everyone. That’s what I in total. Every time I did I grabbed her backside thought. Nice knowing you all. The truth is that like I owned it. The last time was the best I didn’t know anyone. That’s my real problem. I which is unusual. For me the first is always the don’t know anyone. Perhaps that is why this is best on an all­nighter, but this was different. so easy to do. The world hates me because it We were both so sore we could hardly walk. does not know me. She kept mentioning foreplay but I told her she had plenty of time to take the bins out. The last Well, today that will all change. The world will time we did it I had her bent over, and I pinned know my name. The world will hear my voice. her down, half­nelson style with her face The world will know that I am more than the rammed in to the pillow. They love it that way. sum total of my chemical make­up. I am more She screamed like a pig, I was that good. I am than that damned compact disc. When you dying, nothing left to lose after all. She left in touch me I wither, when you prick me I bleed. the late morning. She stopped to politely ask, When you wrong me, I shall get revenge. ‘Will I see you again?’

‘You can come to my funeral’. ­ Meekychuppet 36

Sports Roundup

Ratz in Close Season Shake­up!

Rationalia Excited’s caretaker striker, Ibrahim N’n’go’s injury first half of the season with manager, Johnny ‘Johnno’ time strike against Dogger half of the season’s games Johns has announced a whole Bank Assorted in injury time played and 32 points on the raftful of widespread sweeping rescuing them the point they board. Things went from bad changes following the club’s needed to rescue them from to worse after that though with disastrous second half to the relegation from the Pedigree only two more points being season since Christmas in a Petfoods League Division 2 earned in the next 18 games recent announcement. and avoid dropping them out of the remaining 23 down into the Third Division 3. games still remaining. A “It’s just not good enough for a “N’n’go has been a surprise win against league­ team our size to be such small revelation,” says the manager, leaders Welwyn Garden City fish in a pond that isn’t large “I had never heard of him until Gardeners at the Welwyn enough,” said the former we signed him on loan from Garden City Stadium in Bottesford Rangers defensive Tolpuddle in a loan deal. But Welwyn Garden City, who stalwart in a recent TV I’ve heard of him now!” were top of the league at the interview on the telly. “We time, kept them in with a need to change things at this There is good news on the mathematical hope of club and the only way that I horizon though in the form of surviving the drop on paper can see to do that is by the return from injury of and they did so with the draw changing things at a goalkeeper Peter ‘Pete’ Moss. against the ‘Bankers’. grassroots level from top to ‘Pete’, Peter to his friends, bottom. Our performances kept an outstanding clean “Next season has to be haven’t been good enough to sheet in the season’s opening better,” says John ‘Johnny’ finish in the top half of the game against against Rockall ‘Johnno’ Johns, “otherwise we table which is the main reason Invented for the first 12 are going to end up ending up why we ended up in the minutes which was described exactly where we are now bottom half scrapping for our as outstanding by pundits which is not where we want to lives.” alike! Sadly, ‘Petey’ was end up but is not as bad as it stretchered off immediately could have been if we'd Harsh words indeed but afterwards after accidentally ended up going down. At least ‘Johnno’ doesn’t blame the swallowing a contact lens in we ended up still up.” players. “The lads did the best what was described as a they could have hoped to ‘freak accident’. The Excited I am sure that I am not alone given their lack of ability and went on to lose the game 29 – in wishing ‘Jon’ every success motivation,” said Johns, “It 1 with ‘Mossy’’s 8­year old for a successful close season wasn’t through lack of trying, son ‘Pete’, also known as before the new season starts although they could have tried 'Peter', brought on as the only with the first game of the a bit harder in my opinion.” available substitute season in August. Go You goalkeeper in goal. RATZ! Changes Season ­ Roger 'Rog' Drizzle The ‘Ratz’ survived by the (Sports Correspondent) skin of their teeth on the last Thankfully, things picked up day of the season, Togoan later in the first half of the international loan­signing season and they finished the 37

Q&A

reminds us, dogs are as smart relative to the point of as the average PETA member, observation. Einstein was for whom it is doubtlessly clear that this aplies to all possible to engage in a ritual physical processes, including such as “Tee­Bakk”, being (though he never said so notorious for pertaining to a explicitly) the testicle licking of secret aligned cult, that of canids. “Tuusch­Bakk”, whose Why do dogs lick their members regularly perform the I, for example, have never met balls? ritual of “Tee­Bakk”. a wolf or coyote, as neither Hans Brecht, Plön, Germany live wild in the UK (where I live). Wolves were once native Silly question. The answer, of The appropriate answer here, but the last was killed course, is a routine hygiene depends entirely where and several hundred years ago. check prior to the ancient when in the universe the I've certainly never met an canine tradition of “Tee­Bag”, a observer resides; and perhaps African Wild Dog who enjoyed ritual performed by dogs all in which universe they reside licking his or her balls either. over the globe in times of also. From one observer's crisis. The ritual, as the name perspective, all dogs may Which brings me to another suggests, involves the indeed lick their balls, and the interesting and oft overlooked lowering of one dog’s testicles reasons may be manifold. A point, do dogs like licking each into a second dog’s mouth, in different observer may come other's balls and do bitches order to provoke a chemical to the conclusion that dogs do like licking dogs' balls or reaction between the not lick their balls, or perhaps indeed their own or each antagonist substances found only a subset of dogs lick their other's vaginas? Perhaps the respectively in canine saliva balls. answer is relative, perhaps it and testicular secretions. This isn't, perhaps it's something reaction releases miniature This isn't merely a Post­ else. superdogs into the modernist word trick or Martin Haggle, Bugle, UK atmosphere that fly around Solipsism either, but a into people’s brains instilling fundamental uncertainty in the This month's questions the notion that dogs are not nature of dogs and ball licking. good to eat in the minds of Smiley faces From a philosophical human beings. This is an Is it possible to communicate perspective it is important to evolutionary necessity, as using only smilies? understand why this may be dogs would otherwise run the Thomas, 7, Milan so. Yes, we may have risk of extinction by gourmet observed 159 dogs who chef. Incidentally, by a quirk of The clearly enjoyed licking their nature, Asian people are Is the word 'the' even in the own testicles, and no dogs immune to the attacks of these dictionary, and if so, who put it who did not, but that does not superdogs. there? necessarily mean that there Alison, Perth, Australia are dogs with testicles who do This may seem terribly not wish to lick them. complicated for an animal Erections dumb enough to sit still and If they use cranes to build As 20th century physics has stare at the kid pointing a gun cranes, who builds the biggest shown us, every observable at him, but as PETA constantly cranes... is it God? object and physical process is Stupid, Address Supplied

Issue 1 — June 2009 © Rationalia Assocciation 2009