was on my back at the bottom of an abandoned swimming pool after Some of them die. Then ants eat them. My leg felt a tingle; I pulled it out an hour of skating, hoping the pain would subside. I heard a wet from under the desk, and saw that there were about one hundred ants on snap and didn’t want to look. I hadn’t been getting rad. I was just and inside the cast. I got a flashlight to see where they were concentrat- I returning to the shallow end, something I’ve done thousands of ed and smacked my forehead on the edge of my desk when I leaned times. When I looked, my foot was pointing in the wrong direction and down. For the first time in a long while, I felt crushed. I felt like quitting. was slowly trying to correct itself. My back foot had slipped off my skate- All of this: the zine, the books, the non-profit. Kaput. Done. Get a job, board and I’d run over my ankle. This was mid September. We’d literally work for someone else. I’d given it my shot and it felt like I’d been beat- dropped off the last Razorcakes for our bi-monthly big mailout hours en by hammers. before. As a treat to myself for working so hard, I’d planned a week-long My friends and family wouldn’t let me go. Chris Devlin drove me “vacation at home,” where I didn’t have anything solid planned except to physical therapy and to get my pain medication, while learning new skating new places, reading, listening to music, and hanging out. Razorcake things. Josh Lane and Megan both pulled double duty with Luckily, I was with friends—Shoreleave Shawn, Alicia, their young getting four months of issues finished on time. Brandy Vick came by son Ellis. After a six-hour wait in the emergency room, I’d discovered and did my laundry without me asking. Designated Dale came by and that I’d twisted my foot so violently that my ankle snapped, energy con- hoofed the magazines up the stairs. My parents called every day, just to tinued up a ligament, and that broke a smaller bone the lower leg, my see if I was okay. All that stuff about making Razorcake a family, well fibula. Luckily, another longtime friend, Megan Pants, picked me up after it turned out to be true. getting a temporary cast. She drove me to and from surgery the next day. Day by day, my leg healed. It stopped looking like an eggplant. I got two pins, a few stitches, and the news that I wouldn’t be able to walk Months later, I could sleep without being woken up in the middle of the for at least three months. night from pain. Then I started walking with a cane. The making of this zine is a very physical process. And, for once, I Yesterday, I skated for the first time in five months. I was terrified, couldn’t do it. It felt weird and wrong that all I could do was sit or lay but I dropped in. My brain was concentrating: “fight or flight?” And the down and watch other people do it. A tremendous gap opened under me. answer was, “Stay with it, you dumb sonofabitch. You like what you do.” I remember one day clearly. The apartment has been under siege by Sometimes, things need to get broken in two so they can fit together back termites for over three years. Although they suck, I’m used to them. together again. Thanks for the continued support. –Todd AD DEADLINES AD SIZES • Full page, 7.5” wide, 10” tall. ISSUE #32 • 1/2 pg: 7.5” wide, 5” tall. April 1st, 2006 • 1/4 pg:, 3.75” wide, 5” tall. ISSUE #33 • 1/6 page, 2.5” wide, 5” tall. June1st, 2006 • Please make all checks out to Razorcake. Email [email protected] • We only accept electronic ads. for rates and full details. • All ads are black and white. Our ad rates are super. • We don’t reserve ad space. Cover designed by Keith Rosson (www.keithrosson.com) Cover photograph by Rudy Olivarez "Whoever tries to imagine perfection simply reveals their own emptiness.” –George Orwell, from the essay, “Why Socialists Don’t Believe in Fun” This issue is dedicated to: Richard Anthony Manzullo (Bommer), Jason Kemper Sears, and Tom "Pig Champion" Roberts Contact Razorcake: [email protected] Thank you list: Watch it, there’s a beverage here thanks to Rudy Olivarez and Donofthedead for their Regulations photos; Pedophiliac king thanks to Aphid Peewit for the Regulations interview; “How do you feel about junk food?” thanks to Colin Sanders for the Dead Moon interview and the room temperature Mountain Dew that fueled it; We knew that candle had to be good for something thanks to Chrystaei Branchaw for the Dead Moon photos; Dropping out of the birth canal thanks to Gabe Hart and Ryan Leach for the Guilty Hearts interview; Skull with a fez thanks to Luis Mancini and Jenny Angelillo for the Guilty Hearts photos; Stray Cats- inspired clothing lines thanks to Jessica Thiringer for the Hellbillys interview and photos; Molesterstache thanks to Denise Orton for the Punk Rock Bowling article; The facial hair tally is off the damn charts thanks to Christopher Baxter for the Punk Rock Bowling photos; Heavy Metal Video Arcade thanks to Jennifer Whiteford, Published Author, for her story; Who would have thought Rick James would be such a cultural icon? thanks to Rafael Avila for the illus- tration in Dale’s column; Puking up Buicks thanks to Rob Ruelas for the illustration in Jim’s column; Yep, those look like Smiths fans thanks to Cindy Tomczyk for the illustration in Liz O.’s column; Oh, THERE’S Waldo thanks to Mitch Clem for the illustration in Nardwuar’s column; Beating up Lynyrd Skynyrd fans thanks to Chris Larsen for the illustration in Rev. Nørb’s col- Annabella Brix Chanel umn; “Kentucky Gentleman” is kind of an oxymoron thanks to Kris Triplaar for the photo in the Rhythm Chicken’s column; Hoping for a higher trade-in value thanks to Aphid Peewit, Lord Kveldulfr, Ty Stranglehold, Brian Mosher, Mr. Z, Buttertooth, Jimmy Alvarado, Mike Frame, Sean Koepenick, Stevo, and Robin Stone-Schweitzer for swashbuckling through the endless "Suck boob baby...YEAH!" pile of records, zines, books, and laser discs just so we can have a review section. Issue #31 April / May 2006 PO Box 42129 Los Angeles, CA 90042 www.razorcake.com WE DO OUR PART COLUMNS 4 Liz O. Guerrilla My Dreams 7 Art Fuentes Shizzville 8 Jim Ruland Lazy Mick 10 Nardwuar The Human Serviette Who Are You? 36 40 12 Amy Adoyzie Monster of Fun 15 Ben Snakepit Snakepit 16 Rev. Nørb Love, Nørb 46 56 20 The Rhythm Chicken The Dinghole Reports 22 Designated Dale I’m Against It 25 Kiyoshi Nakazawa Won Ton Not Now 26 Gary Hornberger Squeeze My Horn 29 Chrystaei Branchaw’s Photo Page 30 Sean Carswell A Monkey to Ride the Dog 33 Dan Monick’s Photo Page 35 Miss Jenny Angelillo’s Photo Page INTERVIEWSANDFEATURES 36 Typical Girls, a story by Jennifer Whiteford 40 Can Kickers by BD Williams 66 70 46 Dead Moon by Josh Lane and Colin Sanders 56 Regulations by Todd Taylor and Aphid Peewit 62 Hellbillys by Jessica Thiringer 66 Guilty Hearts by Ryan Leach and Gabriel Hart 70 Fuck You, Dale by Todd Taylor 70 Punk Rock Bowling by Denise Orton FAVORITESANDREVIEWS 76 Top 5s The Dr. Kevorkian of boners... 78 Record There is a thin line, on occasion, between charisma and yuck... 104 Zine Manages to avoid the Cometbus-worshipping romanticization of misery that so many travel zines tend to emulate... 108 Book I just think that the author needed to spend less time quoting Pennywise songs (in their entirety)... 111 DVD Wal-Mart is like a giant dim-witted leper covered in little yellow smiling tumors and it wants to rub up against you... Individual opinions expressed within are not necessarily those of Razorcake/Gorsky Press, Inc. Razorcake/ Gorsky, Inc. Board of Directors are: Todd Taylor, Sean Carswell, Dan Clarke, Katy Spining, Leo Emil Tober III This issue of Razorcake and www.razorcake.com were put together by: Todd Taylor, Megan Pants, Josh Lane, Sean Carswell, Skinny Dan, Amy Adoyzie, Keith Rosson, Juila Smut, Bradley Williams, Jenny Moncayo, and Chris Devlin Razorcake is bi-monthly. Issues are $3.00 ppd. in the U.S. Yearly subscriptions (six issues) are $15.00 bulk rate or $21.00 first class mail. Plus you get some free shit. These prices are only valid for people who live in the U.S. and are not in prison. Issues and subs are more for everyone else (because we have to pay more in postage). Write us and we’ll give you a price. Prisoners may receive free single issues of Razorcake solely via Books to Prisoners, 92 Pike St., Box A, Seattle, WA 98101. Want to distribute Razorcake in the United States? The minimum order is five issues. You have to prepay. For $10.00, you’ll receive five copies of the same issue, sent to you when we do our mailout to all of our distros, big and small. Email [email protected] for all the details. This is very small type. If you haven’t read Call of the Wild by Jack London in awhile, I highly recommend it. “I was quickly GGUUEERRRRIILLLLAA MMYY DDRREEAAMMSS approaching my sixteenth birthday LIZ O with only a string of almost fireworks to my name” ast Night at the Fair Or How to Ruin a Perfectly Good Smiths Song The annual carnival at the local Catholic church L was indistinguishable from any other carnival at the Los Angeles Archdiocese outposts that dot the neighborhoods of the San Fernando Valley.