PO Box 42129, Los Angeles, CA 90042 #19 www.razorcake.com

ight around the time we were wrapping up this issue, Todd hours on the subject and brought in visual aids: rare and and I went to West Hollywood to see the Swedish band impossible-to-find records that only I and four other people have RRRandy play. We stood around outside the club, waiting for or ancient punk zines that have moved with me through a dozen the show to start. While we were doing this, two young women apartments. Instead, I just mumbled, “It’s pretty important. I do a came up to us and asked if they could interview us for a project. punk magazine with him.” And I pointed my thumb at Todd. They looked to be about high-school age, and I guess it was for a About an hour and a half later, Randy took the stage. They class project, so we said, “Sure, we’ll do it.” launched into “Dirty Tricks,” ripped right through it, and started I don’t think they had any idea what Razorcake is, or that “Addicts of Communication” without a pause for breath. It was Todd and I are two of the founders of it. unreal. They were so tight, so perfectly in time with each other that They interviewed me first and asked me some basic their songs sounded as immaculate as the recordings. On top of questions: who’s your favorite band? How many shows do you go that, thought, they were going nuts. Jumping around, dancing like to a month? That kind of thing. One of the young women finished chickens, screaming, getting drunk. Blasting out one song and it up by asking, “How important is music in your life?” rocking into the next and never letting the energy lag – even when I knew what kind of answer she was looking for. Something they were tuning. Even when they paused to drink beer, they made succinct. Something that sums it up wisely in a sentence or two. If it seem like part of the show. I was blown away. I’d had more time to think about it, I could’ve quoted It was one of those rare shows where, after leaving, all I could Donofthedead, who’s told me a bunch of times, “When people stop say is, “Fuck, that was great.” It was one of those shows where I being passionate about music, they lose their souls.” Or I could’ve felt like, if I could articulate this, if I could take these feelings and summed it up the way Jimmy Alvarado did in his Descendents find the right words to describe them, if I could pass this on to a review: “This is essential in ways only previously reserved for reader and let him feel it, then I could finally show how important things like air and water.” Of, if I were Todd, who just wrote and music is in life. And why it’s so important. released the book Born to Rock, I could’ve said, “I just wrote a I still haven’t found a way to articulate it perfectly and book on that.” I could’ve given her the whole story, told her how I succinctly. I can’t sum it up in a witty sentence. I could tell you in spend forty to fifty hours a week putting out this magazine, how the meantime to pick up all the albums by a band that can give you it’s a full-time job that I don’t get paid for. I could’ve told her that that feeling, listen to them again and again. Focus on the angry I don’t have a couch in my living room because the eight feet parts on good days. Find the humor in the lyrics on bad days. Feed along the wall, where a couch would fit, is taken up by my CD off the energy. Make it a part of you. Keep going to shows. Keep racks. I could’ve told her about how I ride my bike past a record reading zines. It’s all out there. store every day on the way home from work, and it takes an incredible force of will for me to not go in. I could’ve talked for –Sean

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Razorcake and razorcake.com are tasered, tamed, and boiled down into old-fashioned horse glue by Sean Carswell, Todd Taylor, Josh Lane, Megan Pants, Skinny Dan, ktspin, and Felizon Vidad Individual opinions expressed within are not necessarily those of Razorcake/Gorsky, Inc. Sean Todd

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Cover drawn with a goddamn ball point pen by Rob Ruelas: szamoras1@aol.com. Mr. and Mrs. Frankie Norman Warsaw Bands, labels, whomever, email him if you’re interested in him doing work for you. Stubbs and the King, Las Vegas, NV. Thank you list: No boobies allowed thanks to Rob Ruelas for drawing the cover. Pick up your own Jamba Juice thanks to Julia Smut for her help with the cover. Bionic thanks to Dan Monick for his picture in Rich’s column. Bringing friends to rip off rich people thanks to Jeff Fox for the George Seldes article and for the DVD review. Friends don’t let friends go see the Dirtbombs thanks to Petite Paquet for the Tyrades interview. No ride to the Pixies show thanks to Gabe and Kat for the Texas Mafia interview. Movable plastic turtle thanks to BD Williams and Matt Comer for the Hasil Adkins interview. World’s smallest beeramid thanks to Ben Snakepit for the J Church tour diary. Invasion of Club Med thanks to Chris Pepus for the Ann Coulter article. Blind midget thanks to Keith Rosson for his illustrations. I heard she was born with a dick thanks to Paddy Costello for his help with the Rivethead interview. BYO probably cheated thanks to the Blatant Stereotypes for kicking ass at the Punk Rock Bowling Tournament. Drowning emo cats thanks to Jimmy Alvarado, Speedway Randy, Aphid Peewit, Donofthedead, Greg Barbera, Potsi, Puckett, and Toby Tober for all their reviews. www.razorcake.com *• PO Box 42129, Los Angeles, CA 90042 “She lost her mind but found some shorts.” Issue #19, April/May 2004 –From the song “Egg Bound” by Leatherface Nardwuar The Human Serviette ..... Who Are You? ...... pg. 4 Art ...... Shizzville!! ...... pg. 7 Rev. Nørb ...... Love, Nørb ...... pg. 8 The Rhythm Chicken ...... The Dinghole Reports ...... pg. 12 Ayn Imperato...... 90803 ...... pg. 14 Designated Dale ...... I’m Against It ...... pg. 16 Rich Mackin ...... The Twisted Balloon ...... pg. 18 Jim Ruland ...... Lazy Mick ...... pg. 20 Gary Hornberger ...... Squeeze My Horn ...... pg. 22 Seth Swaaley...... Swinging Door Conversations ...... pg. 24 Tito ...... Nom de Plume ...... pg. 26 Sean Carswell ...... A Monkey to Ride the Dog ...... pg. 28 Maddy ...... Shiftless When Idle ...... pg. 30 Ben Snakepit ...... Snakepit ...... pg. 31 ***** Chrystaei Branchaw’s Photo Page ...... New Bomb Turks ...... pg. 33 J-Church Tour Diary ...... Article by Ben Snakepit ...... pg. 34 Texas Mafia ...... Interview by Kat Jetson and Gabriel Hart ...... pg. 38 Rivethead...... Interview by Todd Taylor ...... pg. 42 Treason and Republican Politics ...... Article by Chris Pepus ...... pg. 48 Tyrades ...... Interview by Petite Paquet ...... pg. 52 George Seldes ...... Article by Jeff Fox ...... pg. 58 Hasil Adkins, Part I ...... Interview by Bradley Williams ...... pg. 64 Dan Monick’s Photo Page ...... Actin’ Like You’re from Connecticut ...... pg. 77 ***** Record Reviews ..... More Exciting than Wiping a Cat’s Ass ...... pg. 78 Zine Reviews ...... Eating Glass to Impress a Girl ...... pg. 104 Video Reviews ...... Traded for a Puck Bag ...... pg. 109 Book Reviews ...... Odd Little Books by Odd Little People ...... pg. 110 Razorcake is bi-monthly. Issues are $3.00 ppd. in the US. Yearly subscriptions (six issues) are $15.00 bulk rate or $21.00 first class mail. Plus you get some free shit. These prices are only valid for people who live in the US and are not in prison. Issues and subs are more for everyone else (because we have to pay more in postage). Write us and we’ll give you a price. Prisoners may receive free single issues of Razorcake solely via Left Bank Books, 92 Pike St., Seattle, WA 98101, who have a book-for-prisoners program. Want to distribute Razorcake in the United States? The minimum order is five issues. You have to prepay. For $7.50, you’ll receive five copies of the same issue, sent to you when we do our mailout to all of our distros, big and small. Email for all the details. RR AA UU DWW RRD OUU?? AA WWHHOO AARREE YYO NN

Nardwuar: Who are you? but he got it eventually in the end. with him. I said, “Have him meet two guys and eventually pummel- Fletcher: I am Fletcher from And I said, “We’re gonna have to me over here,” so he brought nine ing them. I was with one of The Pennywise. make a little sacrifice for your star- guys and claimed that I came at him Warped Tour guys and I said, “Let’s Nardwuar: Fletcher from dom” and I kind of ripped his chain “gangster style.” And I’m like, go.” And he was, like, “Whoa Pennywise, welcome to Vancouver, off his neck and threw it in the “Gangster style? I was by myself.” dude!” So we ran in there. We did- British Columbia, Canada. We have swamp. So whatever. He wound up being n’t throw any blows, and we just a little gift here for you. [Nardwuar Nardwuar: Which is sacrilege to a pretty cool about the whole thing. I said, “Hey, get off him!” They all hands Fletcher an old Vancouver rapper, right? offered to buy him a new necklace got up pretty quick and ran back to gig poster] And what do you see Fletcher: Uh, I don’t know. I actu- ‘cause the bummer was that his son their bus and got surrounded by right here? ally ripped mine off afterwards and bought it for him and it was a gift. I police. They tried to make a quick Fletcher: I see the Subhumans, said I’m gonna join you in the sac- felt bad, so I bought him a new getaway on their bus, but it didn’t which were one of my favorite rifice, but he was pretty bent out of necklace. I think the one you see work out too well. The cops were bands of the day, “Slave to my shape. The next day when I went on now is the one I paid for. But he on them in a heartbeat, and the guy ‘Privates’.” (“Slave to my Dick”) stage when they were playing. I actually wound up being a cool guy got beat up pretty bad. I said, Wow, this is some good stuff; this is think he was drinking a beer and I and, you know, he got really “That’s not how we do it, y’know, an old, old punk rock flyer. no rat-packin’ and yellin’ Nardwuar: From Vancouver, and stuff.” This guy twice British Columbia Canada. my size gets up and goes, [reading poster] “Oh Canaduh, “That’s how we do it.” And what’s wrong with you?” I was like, “Oh.” It wasn’t Fletcher: Your borders, your too bad. They were cool. customs agents… Nardwuar: Other Warped Nardwuar: But our bands are Tour experiences. Didn’t just great, right? Like the you come against Eminem? Subhumans, ‘cause you saw Wasn’t he on a Warped Tour the Subhumans play with then, Fletcher? Black Flag years ago, right? Fletcher: Yes, he was, but I Fletcher: Right, in a kitchen in didn’t have any problems Carson. Henry Rollins’ first with Eminem. performance… DOA, I mean, Nardwuar: Just his posse. come on. Two of the best Fletcher: I remember when bands ever out of Canada, I we played here (University would have to say. of British Columbia) in this Nardwuar: Fletcher of very spot with Eminem, I Pennywise, we’re here at the believe, and we were on Warped Tour. Can you please after him. And when he was tell me the story? You and Kid singing “My Name Is, My Rock and Kid Rock’s chain. Name Is What?” and the Fletcher: Oh, man. Yeah, what whole crowd just screamed if he gets mad? He’s got a “Pennywise,” and we felt bunch of Hell’s Angels on his pretty bad ‘cause we were side now. Well, I came out on waiting to go on and they the Warped Tour to see some were all waiting for us. That shows – we weren’t playing on was back when he was a lit- it. Kid Rock’s manager was tle bit smaller. Actually, I being extremely lame, apparently took it away from him and drank it, famous. I saw him a couple of years didn’t see that much of him. He trying to get them better billing, get like right in the middle of a song, later and said, “I guess the joke’s on always had a bodyguard and ran him onto the main stage and get and did some stuff and got chased me now” and he said, “I guess so.” back to the bus and didn’t hang out him better positioning. Kevin by about seven security guards and [laughs] very much. You know, whatever. Lyman and Darryl Eaton, two of the knocked over all the motorcycles… Nardwuar: It’s funny, Fletcher, all Nardwuar: Fletcher, how has The Warped Tour godfathers, got me stuff like that, you know, the usual these famous bands started on The Warped Tour changed? Like this really drunk and egged me on to go fare. Warped Tour. For instance Eminem year, you’re one of the few inde- after Kid Rock and kind of teach Nardwuar: What’s the aftermath? and D12, and didn’t you fight D12 pendent bands, like you and Mad him a lesson. And it kind of turned Have you seen him since? as well, Fletcher of Pennywise? Caddies. There aren’t many inde- into, “What do you want to be when Fletcher: The next day when I Fletcher: No, no, no, there was this pendent bands on The Warped Tour you grow up?” and he said he want- came back to assess the damages, incident, you see… See how stuff are there? ed to be a rock star with all the which were some broken bus win- gets misinterpreted? There was an Fletcher: At the moment there bitches and money like us. And I dows, some damage to a semi, incident where D12 was going after aren’t. I mean, I think it’s not The was thinking like, “Well, we don’t some motorcycles and a couple of – I think it was Kool Keith – it was Warped Tour that’s changed. I think have a lot of money and we defi- other things, I had to apologize to another rapper on that tour. I just it’s punk rock, or so-called punk nitely don’t have the chicks hang- him and say, “Hey, sorry about happened to be walking around a rock in general. All these bands that NARDWUAR THE HUMAN SERVIETTE ing around our bus,” that.” And so he brought nine guys bus and I saw fifteen guys chasing are claiming to be into the scene 4 and into punk rock are basical- Pennywise, [singing] “Wake ly signing to major labels. up, wake up, whoaaa!” The Hey, that’s their prerogative, band Goldfinger has a song and I’m not going to bag on called “Wake Up” and I think them. They can do whatever Pennywise does too? they want. It’s become so Fletcher: Yep, we have a commercial and becoming so song called “Wake Up.” But accepted by the masses; that’s ours is about the president of tainting the scene a little bit our record label being strung and then you get a bunch of out on crack and heroin and bands on The Warped Tour. me going to his house in the This is our first show, so I morning, knocking on his haven’t really been out to see door to go to the rehab. what the vibe is with all these Nardwuar: And theirs is bands that are on major labels. about the internet. Now Nardwuar: How many indie Fletcher, can you blow the bands are on the tour, do you balloon on the band know? Goldfinger? Electric Love Fletcher: I have no idea, but Hogs, they started as a metal it’s probably outweighed by band. There’s all these metal major label bands, which is bands that turned punk, right, really weird on The Warped Fletcher? Tour, you know? Fletcher: There’s a lot of dirt Nardwuar: Fletcher, you talk under the rug about a lot of about punk getting popular. bands out there. Yeah, Check out this Guitar Electric Love Hogs, they Magazine cover. [Nardwuar were a metal band at one hands Fletcher the Magazine.] point. Sunset Strip, man. I love what it says. What does Nardwuar: And they turned it say right there? into Goldfinger. Is there any- Fletcher: “How to Play Punk body else out there you’d Rock: Good Charlotte, like to expose? Pennywise, Dropkick Fletcher: Uh… Murphys.” I haven’t seen this. Nardwuar: Like Face To Nardwuar: How do you play Face, didn’t they used to be a punk rock, Fletcher? How do metal band? you play punk rock? Fletcher: Come on man, Fletcher: Not like Good yeah, Face To Face. I’ve seen Charlotte. [laughs] some disturbing pictures Nardwuar: Isn’t that wild of… though? I just can’t believe Nardwuar: Victoria’s what it’s come to: “How to Manor, they used to be play punk rock,” and there’s called. Good Charlotte! Fletcher: In their blue span- Fletcher: That’s pretty scary. dex pants and white boots I’m kind of at a loss for words and shit like that. It’s pretty seeing this. Like I said, every- bad. one’s into their own thing. I’m Nardwuar: Fletcher of not going to bag on anyone for Pennywise: Madrid. What’s doing what they do. I play the story about you stealing a NARDWUAR THE HUMAN SERVIETTE punk rock by getting… newspaper truck? Nardwuar: At least they ask Fletcher: Wow, you’ve got a you though. At least it does lot of information on your mention Pennywise. hands. Um, wow… you see, Fletcher: Yeah, I haven’t seen I’m not supposed to remem- the article, so I don’t know ber all that shit when I’m what I said in there, but I’m drunk. I think it was about sure there are probably some seven in the morning. We people who are mad at me. I were leaving the bar and we play punk rock. I have a cou- were pretty drunk and unable ple beers before the show, to walk, I think. We needed a maybe a couple White ride and kind of comman- Russians, and go out there and deered a newspaper truck have a good time and don’t and kind of forced the guy really care too much about off… I think we blocked him how we look or how we act. in the road. We dove in the Nardwuar: Fletcher of back of his newspaper truck, Pennywise, I thought I’d give and we were lying there in you this button right here. the papers – just three or four “Ask Me How to Play Punk of us – and we just rode Rock,” since you are in Guitar around for awhile until he Magazine. got mad and he just drove us Fletcher: Excellent. You to our hotel. We said we know, I’m going to wear this weren’t getting out until we with pride. got to our hotel, so he drove Nardwuar: Fletcher of us to our hotel. I think I was Photo by Dan Monick kicked out of there within two large sum of money to do a com- Fletcher: Since day one. major label. But, uh, y’know, I hours after that. mercial for them, which actually Nardwuar: It has always been won’t say that I agree with it Nardwuar: Was that for pissing in was a cool commercial. But, uh, we rough in the pits. wholeheartedly. I mean, Epitaph’s the lobby, or was that for pissing felt it wouldn’t be good for our, Fletcher: Since the first backyard been good to us and I told Brett before you went to the truck? y’know, for what we’re backing party, always rough in the pits. Just (Gurewitz, Epitaph’s owner) the Fletcher: [laughs] It’s all good and what believed in. So, it was a the manly man pits, y’know what I other day “When you see us on a shit, man. Pissing in the lobby… lot of money. You could probably mean? Everyone’s just out there to major label, you’ll be going to my yeah, that’s right, I did pee in the buy a house with that amount of have a good time but a couple of funeral because I’ll be dead.” So, if lobby. I think that was during money and we decided we would- people are kinda mean. I’m ever on a major label then you breakfast; yeah, that was bad. I n’t do that. And, uh, there’s been Nardwuar: If you could choose can have permission to come and think I was snorting some ham, too, numerous things. Uh, we’ve turned another audience, would you? shoot me. down at the breakfast buffet in down The Sex Pistols, to open for Fletcher: No. Maybe the one I Nardwuar: Thank you very much front of everyone… yeah, that was them, because, I don’t know, would like to substitute in case of Fletcher of the rock’n’roll band bad. Johnny Rotten really isn’t that cool. an illness or something would be Penny… Nardwuar: Now, who was in He just thinks he is. Pantera’s audience. Fletcher: Wise. Madrid? Was it at some festival in Nardwuar: Fletcher of the rock- Nardwuar: And what are they Nardwuar: Fletcher of Pennywise. Madrid where you trashed some of ’n’roll band Pennywise. Black like? Last, last, lastly here, what is the the Offspring’s stuff? Flag, did you sing for Black Flag or Fletcher: Like Pennywise, but furthest you’ve ever projectile Fletcher: I’m not going to take the was that your singer Jim (Lindberg) with longer hair. vomited? blame for that. That was Mike for the Black Flag reunion? Nardwuar: Now, what do you Fletcher: I’d say probably like, Clarke from Suicidal Tendencies. Fletcher: The Black Flag reunion? think about the audiences that have maybe five feet. But I will tell you the story. It was Um, I don’t know. He was gonna jumped bands? Like there are audi- Nardwuar: That’s pretty impres- pretty funny. We were on pretty sing on the comp, the benefit for ences that were into the metal sive. shaky ground with the Offspring at the West Memphis Three. But as bands. For instance, I know a girl Fletcher: It’s pretty good; it’s pret- that point, but everything’s fine far as Black Flag, we haven’t that went from Poison to... ty good. But I mean I’ve seen peo- now. We were hanging out in our played with them or actually sang Fletcher: Pennywise. ple do it... well, five feet, that’s dressing room with Suicidal. It was with them to my knowledge. You Nardwuar: Yeah, a girl went from pretty far. Yeah, I’d say about five us, Suicidal, Lagwagon, and the might have got some bad info on Poison to Pennywise. Have you feet. I’ve got a picture of one of my Offspring was in their dressing that one. picked up any metal fans? Or buddies going about seven feet room. They weren’t really, you Nardwuar: No, I thought Jim talked to your fans about that? straight out like one of those snakes know, down with hanging out with maybe was going to sing with them Fletcher: I think the majority of that comes out of a can. It’s pretty us. Brian (Holland) came in, in a at that opening of the Punk Rock them wouldn’t want us to know tight. full-blown leopard skin suit, like Hall Of Fame or something like they were into a band like Poison, Nardwuar: Now, is there anything head-to-toe leopard skin suit and that. He was going to do a fill-in, so they keep it on the down-low. you should drink to have that creepers and it was pretty funny. ‘cause somebody didn’t show up. Every once in a while we can effect? But he came in and asked for a Fletcher: Oh, oh, you’re right, squeak it out of them. But I mean Fletcher: I’ve never really kept beer, and Mike Clarke just turned you’re right. That is correct. He Poison to Pennywise to Limp track of what I put down before it around and goes, “Oooooh, look at did. See, I’m bad, you’re good. But Bizkit to Good Charlotte to... I came up. I don’t know, I just… I you man. Look at you, woooooo!” you probably don’t drink as much don’t know. They’re always jump- guess, whatever. I would assume Just started totally bagging on him as I do. ing ship. something carbonated like beer and it was kind of an awkward Nardwuar: No I don’t. But you… Nardwuar: Fletcher of Pennywise, bongs and maybe some Mexican moment for poor Brian, and when Fletcher: There was that, there was did you steal your logo from food would probably help get it out they were onstage, Mike decided to that show. Yeah you’re right. It was Volkswagen and then modify it pretty fast. The fire hydrant effect. do a full-sprint run into the side of the punk rock revival show, basi- slightly? My chick doesn’t dig it when I those makeshift dressing rooms cally, and it was incredible. Like, Fletcher: Um, no. I think it was a come home, and get that working and knocked down three walls and TSOL, Black Flag, Devo, X, The combination of thievery from in the bathroom. At all. destroyed the whole dressing room. Adolescents. It was the first time a Wasted Youth’s logo, y’know, the Nardwuar: Fletcher of Pennywise, So, I’m not taking the blame for lot of these bands had played in “Y” and the “W” and uh, The Saint. anything else you wanna add to the that one. Even though I probably years, and Keith Morris was sick Didn’t The Saint, that old TV show, people out there at all? did get blamed and had to pay for and Jim went up and sang some have some kind of logo of that sort? Fletcher: I don’t know. I mean, I it. songs. That is correct. Uh, I don’t know. Our drummer could plug our new record but who Nardwuar: Fletcher of Pennywise, Nardwuar: Fletcher, winding up made it up, so I kinda just went really cares? They’re gonna see it have you ever put anyone in a here. Fuck. You put “fuck” in a with the flow. But the combining in the advertisement anyway. chokehold? You know, grabbed song with “Fuck Authority.” What the two letters is pretty cool. Dead Y’know, punk rock is a good thing them by the neck and lifted them up is your advice to people about Kennedys and Wasted Youth and when it’s punk rock, but when it’s by their neck? putting “fuck” in a song? Because shit like that. not, move on. Fletcher: Probably. I don’t remem- there’s that band that goes “She Nardwuar: Fletcher, lastly here, Nardwuar: And ask Fletcher how ber who though. It might have been fucking hates me” and they had a Rancid finally signed to a major to play punk rock. more than one person. big hit. What is your advice to peo- label. What’s your take on this? Fletcher: That’s what I’m talkin’ Nardwuar: Fletcher of Pennywise, ple about putting “fuck” in a song? The most asked question of Warped ‘bout, right here. [Holds up the “ what have you guys turned down? Fletcher: It seems to be pretty pop- 2003. Ask me how to play punk rock” I’ve heard you’ve turned down a lot ular these days. I mean you can get Fletcher: Well, apparently they button Nardwuar gave him] If you of offers of a lot of money. What on the radio with a song that has the haven’t signed yet. That’s what the have any doubts or any questions are some of the things you’ve word fuck in it. It’s a pretty enter- press release says. What is my take let me know. I’ll hook you up. turned down? taining thought. I mean, I’m all for on it? Any time a band that I like Nardwuar: Thanks much Fletcher Fletcher: Well, we’ve never had a the word fuck. I have it tattooed on and listen to that has come up on and doot doola doot doo... meeting with a major label. my back in really big letters. So their own on an independent label Fletcher: Doot doo! They’ve come sniffing around y’know, the more people who put and done things their way and for quite a few times and they just “fuck” in songs, the better off the themselves goes to a major label, it –Nardwuar wanna go out to dinner and buy us world will be. definitely upsets me. I mean, every- some lobster, and we say, “I can Nardwuar: Fletcher of Pennywise, one’s free to do what they want to Hop to www.nardwuar.com to buy my own fucking lobster.” So did Pennywise always have a big do and I’m not gonna bag on any- check out more Nardwuar inter- we’ve never gone that route. I pit, i.e. a hard pit? Are there always body, especially Rancid, for going view action! believe Ford Motor Company rough people in the pit at to a major label. In this day and age NARDWUAR THE HUMAN SERVIETTE offered us quite a Pennywise gigs? it seems like everyone’s going to a 6

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IF YOU COULD REALLY POWER A MOTOR VEHICLE WITH AOL, WOULDN'T IT JUST GO BACKWARDS, CRASH, AND THEN CHARGE YOU DOUBLE?

HEY HEY I AM THE MONKEES!!! YOU KNOW I LOVE TO REV. NØRB vs. MARCUS HAISLIP PLEASE!!! A MANUFACTURED IMAGE!!! WITH NO PHIL- OS-O-PHIES!!! YOU SAY YOU LOVE MY STORY!!! (Marcus Haislip, second year forward for the Milwaukee Bucks, ALTHOUGH THERE ISN’T ONE!!! THAT MEANS THAT was interviewed by Rev. Nørb on December 6th, 2003, outside THERE ARE MANY!!! THAT WAY THERE IS MORE FUN!!! section 203 at the Bradley Center in Milwaukee) HEY HEY I AM THE MONKEES!!! I’VE SAID IT ALL BEFORE!!! THE MONEY’S IN, I’M MADE OF TIN, I’M HERE Rev. Nørb: So, Marcus, since your last name is “Haislip,” and TO GIVE YOU MORE!!! THE MONEY’S IN, I’M MADE OF your uniform is purple, do people ever call you “Purple Hais?” TIN, I’M HERE TO GIVE YOU MORE!!! THE MONEY’S IN, Marcus Haislip: No. I’M MADE OF TIN, I’M HERE TO GIVE YOU. Rev. Nørb: Well, all righty then! (end interview) Disclaimer: 1) I am not, in fact, the Monkees; 2) You have not, in fact, said you loved my story; 3) I am not, in fact, made out of tin, ...wow! Fabulous! Probing! Insightful! Unexpectedly relevant! A as tin is by no means bendy enough to accommodate my perpetu- new Golden Age of Nørb-Columnage is surely upon us! Actually, ally distending frame; and 4) the money is not, in fact, in. HOW- i think i gotta get a videocamera (well, i mean, i HAVE a video- EVER! The VOTES are, in fact, in – and both people who returned camera, but i’ve never used it for anything other than home porn. Their Official Rev. Nørb Drinking Referendum Ballot voted that I, You’d be surprised in a most crestfallingly negative fashion at how REVEREND NØRB, should SUCKLE THE SWEET SWEET long the camera can just be pointing at one person’s painted-toe- BREAST CIDER OF THE ETERNAL PABST™-TEAT TO MY nailed foot before one realizes that HEY! I’M NOT GETTING GRINCHLY HEART’S CONTENT!!! The people have spoken! ANY OF THIS! and readjusts it), these guys don’t seem to get up The vox have popped! The cat’s out of the bag! The Pandora’s out for the print media any more (case in point: in a similar in-depth of the box! The moose is loose! The bear’s in the air! The deer’s in conversation with Bucks shooting guard Michael Redd, the emerg- the beer! The chicken’s in the breadpan pickin’ out dough! From ing superstar responded “probly rob a bank or something” when this point forward (actually slightly retroactive to... uh... about six asked what he’d do if he found himself invisible for a day. Were months ago), i, Rev. Nørb, am off the wagon for good, or until this conversation on camera, however, i am certain that his answer someone forgets! Just remember: I’m doin’ it for the kids! Born would have been “give thanks to God for my invisibility”). And, and unborn! And, both potential permutations of the “advice col- since i am paid by the word here, i seem to have now found myself umn” now duly attempted (that is to say, both advice “pitcher” and with a shortfall of several pages, and THAT is no way for a new “catcher,” if i may speak in the salty argot of the homosexual glorious age of goldenosity to begin! Therefore, while i wait for I infielder), i hereby, with one rap of my mighty Croquet Mallet For the next Rev. Nørb Celebrity Interview to be arranged for me by The Promotion of Vice and Prevention of Virtue™ (expounded the Canadian government (okay... i admit: Marcus Haislip isn’t N0RB upon at greater length in another publication), declare the “advice really a celebrity. But he IS tall), i will be forced to the scoundrel’s . column” experiment HEREBY ABANDONED WITH ALL DUE last resort of padding my Celebrity Interview out with random acts UNCEREMONY!!! I mean, let’s face it – you people asked dumb of rantitude. So be it! Rant Mode Enabled! Therefore, let the questions and i gave even dumber answers! Phooey on yooey, record show that 1) “The Tim Version” is the fucking stupidest REV Chewy! I go to the grave hoarding my copious gifts of practical band name ever, not only due to its inherently being the fucking knowledge! My fish stick pizza recipe? LOST TO YOU FOREV- stupidest band name ever, but because the live version of “Can’t ER, O UNBELIEVER! My can’t miss stock tips? RESERVED Hardly Wait” off 1984’s The Shit Hits the Fans cassette was FOR MY OWN UNSEEMLY PROFITEERING! You killed the LONG held to be the one “true” version of the song, and who or goose that laid the golden Wonka Bar! You paved paradise and put whom are they to say otherwise? 2) The Libertines are the fucking up a parking lot, then stole the keeshka from the place of business gayest band ever. This band is gayer than cell phones. This band is directly abutting said lot, drove off in a big yellow taxi and wrote gayer than the people who TALK on cell phones are, if that can be a folk song about it! You ushered in the fall of the house of Usher! believed! Shares of FM Knives stock are plummeting precipitous- I don’t even know what i’m saying any more, but i KNOW ly for them actually stating on the public record that they believe YOU’RE GUILTY! Therefore, from this point forward (“going this band is Other Than Shit! To set things straight, THIS BAND forward” as my boss would say. I’m always like “as opposed to IS NOT OTHER THAN SHIT!!! The Libertines’ Up the Bracket what other direction?” Going backward? Going sideways? Going album is so godawfully blatant in its not-other-than-shit-itude that kitty-corner?), i am scuttling the existing format of this column it should be forced to wear an ankle monitor and give its parole and replacing it with Nardwuar-like interviews of mainstreamish officer 48 hours notice if it ever wants to leave Darryl Strawberry’s demi-celebrities. Therefore, without further Freddy Adu, let us apartment! The FM Knives coolness points (which i know they’re proceed with all appropriate pomp and foofarah to... always worried sick about) are plunging like the altimeter in a 8 Bugs Bunny piloted aircraft whose screaming nosedive is only averted by the last-second application of air brakes or the plane’s on second thought... let’s spare ourselves the fell embarrassment of timely depletion of its fuel supplies! And i’m not feeling so good bringing up the momentously daft collapses of our states’ respec- myself! How could they steer me so wrongly??? They seemed like tive franchises this season, and take some comfort in the fact that such nice fellows! I bought the Libertines album because i noticed the quality of play in the NFL™™™ has been devalued so utterly they had a song called “What a Waster,” and in 2002 i found a in recent years that it’s nigh on impossible for long-tenured foot- “what a waster” button stuck in the ceiling of my band’s dressing ball fans such as ourselves to watch the twenty weeks of unrelent- room in Southampton, England, and, thinking it was just some ing mediocrity that the NFL™™™ has become (“parity” is what cute li’l ol’ limey thing, affixed it to my white leather jacket they call it – i think they actually mean “parody”) and actually find (where it resides, to this day [which i suddenly find quite trou- ourselves giving half a crap about who wins the Super bling, to say the least]), having NO IDEA it was a song by a band Bowl™™™™™ in the end (in point of fact, it shouldn’t even be so HOPELESSLY AND UTTERLY GAY (although “What a called the “Super Bowl” any more. It should be, like, the “Bat Waster” is perhaps their best song). I mean, this band gets into the Bowl,” or the “Spider-Bowl,” or maybe the “Shazam Bowl”). “doon-doon-doon, doon-doon-da-doon-da-doon-da” thing ON Mediocre Team X beat Mediocre Team Y! Oh, Happy Day! Nope, THE FIRST SONG! AND ON THE SECOND SONG!! MAYBE don’t care to comment on the Stupor Bowl at all... but, now that i ON THE THIRD SONG, TOO, I’M TOO TRAUMATIZED TO think about it, i don’t really feel like ranting any more either,

SEPARATED AT BIRTH? #2 (BELOW) BILL STEVENSON, ALL (LEFT) SCOT POLLARD, INDIANA PACERS (RIGHT)

SEPARATED AT BIRTH? #1 (ABOVE) TOPPER HEADON, THE CLASH (LEFT) STEVE NASH, DALLAS MAVERICKS (RIGHT)

REMEMBER!!! But YEAH, i bought it ‘cause they had a song because i’m using up all my good Hate that should, by rights, be named after my button (i flatly refuse to entertain the possibility saved for the record reviews... yet, my desire to take the rectal tem- that my keen li’l button is named after their lame song [wait, i just perature of the nation on this, the Butt End of Super™ Bowl™™

said that song was actually kind of okay, didn’t i? ...i am obvious- Sunday™™™, continues unabated to the quarterback! Therefore! REV ly caught in some manner of gross oversimplification, if not flat- While i’m waiting for the guys down in Media Relations to con- out fabrication. Well FUCK YOU! I know Marcus Haislip! He’s firm my interview with Leonard Nimoy’s Head, let’s take it to the got Mad Ups! Really Mad Ups! Fumingly pissed-off Ups! His Ups top-of-the-hour station ID with... .

are so Mad, they make Hedwig’s Inch seem quite content by com- N0RB parison!!!]) – but i wouldn’t have LOOKED at it and found out it REV. NØRB vs. I had a song named after my button HAD THE FM KNIVES NOT THE COMMERCIALS of SUPER™ BOWL™™ XXXVI- TALKED UP SAID BAND IN THE FIRST PLACE!!! Fuck, at II™™™ times like these i wish i had a wife and kid, so i could toss this (note: because i, like you, hate the Super™ Bowl™™ fucking CD in the same place we’d keep the kid’s shit-packed dia- Pregame™™™ Show™™™™ even more than i hate the pers. BE AFRAID! BE VERY VERY AFRAID! 3) And, since you Super™™™™™ Bowl™™™™™™ itself, i shall only concern brought up the Replacements, let’s set one thing straight: As of myself with the commercials occurring between opening kickoff 11:46 PM CST 2.1.04, red wine SUCKS. White wine does not. and before the final gun. I mean, hey, if you can’t pay the full 2.25 Pink wine is only to be consumed with Sour Dots™ gumdrops, million to get your message to me, fuck ya!) preferably in the large, theatre-sized box. Green wine is to be mixed with Red Bull™ before serving. No other colors of wine are COMMERCIAL #1: Some doofus with a sweater around his neck recognized by Rev. Nørb, Box Wine and Boone’s Farm™ Snob. shows some reg’lar joe in a down vest how he has trained his dog But, i mean, “Red Red Wine on Sunday?” “I didn’t come here to to fetch him a bottle of Bud Light™ on command. The doofus in fight, just as long as it ain’t white?” Another case of Minnesotans the down vest then shows the doofus with the sweater how he has having their Peter Vella™ Easy-Pour Spouts™ screwed on back- trained his dog to bite guys with sweaters around their necks in the wards!!! There is WHITE WINE, there is GUMDROP EATIN’ crotch, causing them to fling their beer into the air in shock and WINE, there is OPAQUE GREEN WINE, and THAT IS ALL THE horror, where it can be easily grabbed by reg’lar joes in down WINE THAT THERE IS!!! EVERYTHING ELSE SHOULD BE vests. QUESTIONS: 1) isn’t the guy in the down vest just the same TURNED BACK INTO THE BLOOD OF JESUS CHRIST OUR type of guy who would’ve had the sweater tied around his neck LORD AT ONCE!!! And, since i brought up Minnesota, 4) LET’S back when being a sweater-around-the-neck prick was “cool?” I TALK A LITTLE FOOTBALL, MOOZAIRFOOKAIRS!!! Er... mean, now that the sweater-around-the-neck prick is 9 just a mythic archetype, does the guy in the down vest think he’s Nelson Advice Doll™ if he should “give this kid a shellackin’?” cool just because he knows enough not to wear a sweater around Willie informs him to “bring it on!” QUESTIONS: How the fuck his neck? 2) And who the fuck wants a beer that has been handled did Bud Selig NOT fix Game 7 of the fucking NLCS this year??? and jostled by some sweater wearing prick anyway? If this guy We had the Chicago Cubs seemingly ascendant in the NLCS, we was so cool and tough, why didn’t he own a really big dog that had the Red Sox v. Yankees in the ALCS, everybody in the FUCK- could just drag the whole fucking cooler of Bud Light™ over to ING WORLD would have been watching a Cubs-Red Sox or him? Fuck, if i owned a dog, i’d make sure it was a hardy, devot- Cubs-Yankees World Series (i was pulling for Cubs-Yankees ed Rin Tin Tin™ type who would, at my command, go racing for myself), ALL THAT HAD TO HAPPEN was for the Florida miles over field and stream to fetch me a cold bottle of Pabst™. Marlins, WHOM NOBODY, NOT EVEN THEIR OWN FANS, What kinda dog brings its master light beer anyway? COMMER- cares about, to NOT WIN Game 7. Major League Baseball would CIAL #2: “Jenkins,” a drooling, shirt-and-tie-clad “Alien”-like have been set for a fucking GENERATION simply on the strength alien wearing a cardboard mask depicting a human face, sits of a Cubs/Boston or Cubs/NY series... AN ENTIRE GENERA- behind a desk, where two fellow employees confront him with TION is STANDING AT THE BRINK of RENEWED INTER- their suspicions of his blatant alien-ness and his presumed mission EST IN THE SPORT... dependent on the ONE little teensy matter of studying our species. Jenkins’ only words are a seemingly pre- of the Marlins not eliminating the Cubs... and Bud Selig, who recorded message, “Why don’t we use FedEx™?” The boss walks could single-handedly save baseball with a nudge and a wink and in and states a great need for shipping. Jenkins suggests they use a couple secret handshakes and clandestine payoffs, can’t get the FedEx™. The boss praises Jenkins for his insight, and tells the job done. Can’t save the Cubs from their own stupid selves and other two employees to get to work. QUESTIONS: Why wouldn’t their own dork fans. I mean, ISN’T IT HIS JOB to do things like Jenkins suggest Planet Express™? COMMERCIAL #3: Bears this, for the good of the sport??? CONTRACT THYSELF, FOUL break into a cabin, and, upon raiding the refrigerator, find a com- NIMROD! Actually, ya know why Selig didn’t fix game 7? Well, plete and utter absence of Pepsi™ products. Disguising them- think about it: Whom did the Chicago Cubs acquire from the selves as Alaskans, they forge a check and use a stolen ID to pro- Pittsburgh Pirates in mid-season? Randall Simon! And what is cure a case of Pepsi™ from a local merchant. QUESTIONS: Randall Simon’s greatest claim to fame? HE WAS THE GUY Wow, who besides me thought this was gonna be a lot funnier than WHO BASHED THE BREWERS’ ITALIAN SAUSAGE IN THE it’s already turning out to be? COMMERCIAL #4: A guy stands HEAD!!! By not rigging Game 7 to ensure a Cubs victory, Bud there and talks about the ample merits of the Schick™ Quattro™. Selig was sending a message to all of baseball – and that message The power of four! QUESTIONS: 1) Who the fuck cares? 2) Who was DO NOT IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM TORMENT would name a razor after the shrill, shrimpy chick who gave the THE MILWAUKEE BREWERS ORGANIZATION!!! THAT world “Can the Can?” 3) Two-thirds of the way thru this guy’s PRIVILEGE IS RESERVED FOR THE SELIG FAMILY AND impassioned spiel, why doesn’t Sam the Sham or reasonable fac- THE SELIG FAMILY ALONE!!! In any event, fuck Pedro simile come running across the stage in a turban, waving his arms Martinez, too. He laid hands upon the regal personage of The Zim! and screaming “UNO! DOS! ONE, TWO, SCHICK™ QUAT- UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN! COMMERCIAL #11: Pigeons and ele- TRO!!!”? 4) Speaking of the power of four, has anybody here ever phants flee from the advance of the Chevy Aveo™, the “Mighty had sex with three girls at once? I haven’t. It seems like such a Mouse” of automobiles. Four basketball players find that the logistical nightmare that i’m kind of at a loss to understand how Aveo™ only looks small on the outside, and appear hobbit-sized one even plans such an affair. COMMERCIAL #5: A bunch of when we glimpse them seated in the car’s interior. QUESTIONS: experimental gearheads use AOL 9.0 to power their motorcycle, as 1) Will the Shriner be part of the standard package, or do we pay they’ve heard it “makes things go faster.” The folly of their ways extra for him? COMMERCIAL #12: Adam Sandler and some leaves the driver in a neck brace. QUESTIONS: If you could real- chick do some shit. QUESTIONS: Wouldn’t it suck to have ly power a motor vehicle with AOL, wouldn’t it just go back- peaked with “Lunch Lady Land?” COMMERCIAL #13: An irate wards, crash, and then charge you double? COMMERCIAL #6: head coach berates a seemingly unaffected official during a game. Van Helsing has come to a foreign land, to battle enemies who are At home, we see him similarly expressionless as he is further legendary: Frankenstein, Dracula, the Wolfman! May 7th, 2004! berated by his wife. QUESTIONS: If this is supposed to make me QUESTIONS: How many of those undead ghouls Van Helsing is wanna drink Budweiser™, shouldn’t the guy be sucking down fighting are the real Michael Jackson, and how many are just CGI Bud longnecks while people are yelling at him? I mean, i don’t duplicates? COMMERCIAL #7: Cedric the Entertainer purchases understand it: The head coach yells at him, and he just stands a massage. On his way to the Massage Room, he is distracted by there. His wife yells at him, and he just sits there. How is watch- I a fridge full of Bud Light™ in what turns out to be the Bikini Wax ing this poor schmuck get screamed at by people supposed to

N0RB room, not the Massage Room. QUESTIONS: 1) Wouldn’t there be increase my beer consumption? WAIT! I SPOKE TOO SOON! I

. better beer in the massage-getting room than in the bikini wax FIND I NEED A BEER IMMEDIATELY! COMMERCIAL #14: room anyway? It’s hard to believe people going in to have their To the strains of some Limey techno-pop number that goes “I dig crotches de-haired have a mo’ pow’ful thirst than the sweaty bas- you... do you dig me?” that is either custom-made for this com-

REV tards questing massage. 2) Am i to believe some people DON’T mercial or that i am completely unfamiliar with, a young whip- enjoy young ladies ripping their pubic hair out by the roots? persnapper and an old, corporate coot travel independently to the COMMERCIAL #8: Survivor All-Stars premieres after the Super meeting point of the coot’s office for the whippersnapper’s Bowl! QUESTIONS: Has anybody ever watched this fucking Monster.com-induced job interview. QUESTIONS: 1) Does any- show, even fucking once? COMMERCIAL #9: Miscellaneous one really get hired off of Monster.com? Getting a job off that site Trojans, including Bruce Banner and, i believe, the brother from always struck me as having about the same possibility as getting a Malcolm In The Middle who’s always away from home, swear date from personal ads does. All the same, though, i think the old oaths and do battle and such in Troy, a Wolfgang Petersen film. corporate coot is making a big mistake: It is ME, REV. NØRB, Opens May 14th. This film is not yet rated! QUESTIONS: 1) If who should be getting that swanky job, and the corner cubicle! you cross a Trojan with the Trojan Horse, do you get Catherine the But no! The job will probably go to that drooling brown-noser Great? 2) If so, can i watch? COMMERCIAL #10: Various befud- Jenkins! Fuck Jenkins! Sir, are we made of money here? We can’t dled individuals turn to their Willie Nelson Advice Doll™ for tax afford goddamn FedEx™! Did the Trojans FedEx™ the Trojan advice and make improper financial decisions that the wisdom of Horse? NO! They sent it Media Mail! We can take a valuable les- H&R Block™ would have wisely counseled against. During a son from their electronically-tested frugality! From their helmet- bench clearing brawl, Don Zimmer asks his Willie mounted scrub brushes! From their deft and unrelenting I CAN’T 10 BELIEVE I SAT AROUND ALL WEEK THINKING I WOULD Disney would know a little bit about being “on ice,” huh? COM- WRITE A COLUMN CRITIQUING THE COMMERCIALS MERCIAL #18: Mike Ditka explains how football rocks and is DURING THE SUPER BOWL, and then NOT ONLY did the tough, and baseball is gay and pokey, and how football is all about GAME SUCK TOTALLY, but THE COMMERCIALS WERE SO Levitra™, and baseball could use Levitra™, and then throws a STUPID I CAN’T EVEN WRING A COLUMN’S WORTH OF football through a tire swing. QUESTIONS: 1) Not to put too fine MATERIAL OUT OF THEM! Fuckers! You’re ruining my act! I a point on it, but WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS LEVIT- AM A POWERFUL AND INFLUENTIAL TV COMMERCIAL RA???? 2) And if it’s a drug, what makes him so goddamn sure CRITIC!!! I HAVE MY FINGERS ON THE PULSEBEAT OF that Barry Bonds isn’t on it already? 3) And if the football through CONTEMPORARY SOCIETY!!! (i’ve always thought i would the tire is some sort of vaguely blatant Rauschenbergian penetra- make a good ad agency man. Kind of a cross between Darren tion metaphor, are we supposed to infer that Levitra™ is some sort Stevens and Danny Fields. I want to apply for a bunch of jobs as of ejaculation drug, some sort of pooping drug, or some sort of an ad executive, get a bunch of interviews lined up, wear a suit or accuracy-enhancing drug? 4) What the fuck was up with the Ricky whatever, maybe don my lavender Hush Puppies™ – put forth at Watters thing, anyway? COMMERCIAL #19: CSI is America’s least the vague appearance of legitimacy, and commune with var- best-watched show. QUESTIONS: Couldn’t sell this slot either, ious suits. Presumably, one needs to bring samples of one’s work huh? COMMERCIAL #20: A donkey finally realizes his life’s to interviews of this nature, so, after bullshitting with the head dream of becoming a Budweiser™ Clydesale. QUESTIONS: Why executive dude, he’d be like “well, son, let’s see what you got” did anyone at Budweiser™ think that the animal urine/Bud con- and, from a very respectable black leather portfolio i’d pull out nection in my brain needed any manner of reinforcing? COM- meticulously mounted ad campaign specimens – for marital aids. MERCIAL #21: The Alamo becomes the movie event of the year. The only copy would be “DILDOS – BUY ONE AND STICK IT QUESTIONS: What’s the Alamo, again? I forgot. COMMER- UP YOUR CUNT TONIGHT!!!” and i’d present it to the guy with CIAL #22: A poorly-enunciating chick and a number of similarly

SEPARATED AT BIRTH? #3 (ABOVE) ANDY JUNK, THE FRAGMENTS (LEFT) ANDREI KIRILENKO, UTAH JAZZ (RIGHT)

SEPARATED AT BIRTH? #4 (RIGHT) MICK TUCKER, THE SWEET (LEFT) COURTNEY CLARK, THE TEARS (RIGHT) a totally straight face, make a pitch, explain in dead seriousness motley humans, with a vaguely Green Day-ish rendition of “I why i thought it would be an effective advertising campaign, Fought the Law” in the background, states that she (and, presum- answer the guy’s various questions in complete earnestness, and ably, the others in the commercial) was one of the people prose- REV essentially really do my best to convince him that i should work cuted for downloading music off the internet. She then raises a there, based on no other factors than my sample ad campaign of Pepsi™, and informs us that, starting tomorrow, she (and, pre- .

“DILDOS – BUY ONE AND STICK IT UP YOUR CUNT sumably, the others in the commercial) are going to be download- N0RB TONIGHT!!!” What would be the odds that i would get a job? I ing music for free again, and there’s NOTHING ANYONE CAN I think i bet the over on that one. COMMERCIAL #15: Everybody DO ABOUT IT! She removes the cap from her Pepsi™, and Loves Raymond is America™’s best-watched comedy. QUES- reveals a token good for one free download from iTunes™. TIONS: Couldn’t sell the slot, huh? COMMERCIAL #16: During QUESTIONS: I’m only up to the 13:05 mark of the second quar- a very important parade, a kilt-wearing bagpiper has gone missing. ter, but does anybody mind if i just stop now? He turns up standing over a subway grate a la Marilyn, allowing the steam to blow his kilt up as he oohs and aahs with pleasure. A DILDOS – BUY ONE AND...oh, never mind… Fuck it. I realize small child witnesses this and informs his father, “That’s just now that i cannot host a proper column without the hordes of input wrong, Dad.” His father covers the boy’s eyes. The sensation i get from your tortured and noble souls. As of whatever the fuck experienced by the AWOL bagpiper is likened to that of consum- time it is right now, i hereby declare this column BACK to being ing a Sierra Mist™. QUESTIONS: “DILDOS – BUY ONE AND an advice column! Please continue to deluge me under teeming STICK IT UP YOUR CUNT TONIGHT!!!” doesn’t look so stupid mounds of inquisitive correspondence at POB 1173, Green Bay NOW, does it??? COMMERCIAL #17: There’s some Disney WI 54305 USA Earth, or [email protected]. I also movie about the 1980 US hockey team. QUESTIONS: 1) Who respond well to telepathy. could forget how the nation came together to back our hockey team in 1980? I mean, that’s almost as unforgettable as the other Løve, groups we were backing in 1980 – the Taliban and Saddam –Nørb Hussein’s Iraqi government! 2) I guess it stands to reason Walt 11 EENN CCKK HHII CC EPOORRTTSS HHMM DINNGGHHOOLLEE RREP TT TTHHEE DI HHYY RR

Just then, the Rhythm Chicken bursts in wearing only a jock strap and cowboy hat! The Dinghole Reports Well, I just returned from a three- feelings from that whole Rally hi-jinkery! This is no police action. By the Rhythm Chicken day retreat to my woodshed up- Rabbit episode? – Dr. S.] This is no rescue attempt. I, THE (Commentary by Francis Funyuns) north. Thirteen degrees below zero RHYTHM CHICKEN, HEREBY [Edited by Dr. Sicnarf] in Sister Bay, WI and with my Oh, I’ve done extensive research on DO DECLARE A GENUINE woodshed’s space-heater it was a him as well! I have not yet been STATE OF WAR AGAINST THE (Hey kids! It’s me, Francis balmy forty-five degrees inside! I able to tie him into the web of evil STATE OF INDIANA! Wisconsin Funyuns! When we last left our feel sorry for those who never get to the other three have been weaving, is now at war with Indiana! hero he had just returned to experience having their boogers but I have my suspicions and, rest Wisconsin has ALWAYS been at America and was having some freeze. Oh how I’ve missed assured, he is being monitored. war with Indiana! The “liveration” trouble adapting to our whimsical, Wisconsin! Ruckus Thomas even That blue-haired evildoer can’t take of our Wisconsin residents trapped carefree ways. Had eleven unem- had a Rhythm Chicken cake baked a corporate crap without my lack- within Indiana’s borders has ployed months in Poland really for me. Between that, the garlic- eys sniffing close behind! However, already begun! changed him that much? Now we stuffed olives, and the jar of as for the other three, I have uncov- fear that his ruckus is waning and Nutella, the Hen and I managed to ered irrefutable data detailing their — The Rhythm Chicken then toss- he’s grasping at straws. Embracing survive. But now we are back in alliance and their secret plans of es his cowboy hat across the room this newfound appreciation of this Milwaukee and it’s back to work. creating a heavily guarded base of as he begins galloping about his “stampede” and the unavoidable Us Polish immigrants work hard, operations right in America’s nest in a wild stampede! — lack of Rhythm Chicken perfor- some fifty or sixty hours a week. armpit, INDIANA! mances, how can we sit by and let However, when I’m not slinging [Ok, OK! Settle down there! this superhero fade into obscurity? Italian consumables together or (“GASP!!!” – F.F.) Whoooah now, Chicken! Surely, Things are looking bleak in constructing ham radio speakers, you don’t think you can actually Chickenland, my friends. – F.F.) much of my time has been spent Yes, this is a new world we live in, perpetuate such a battle. America doing intense research. Please enter where evil may lurk behind every will not tolerate this deterioration [Indeed. Now that he is living back my office here in the rear, heh, heh. refinery. The Boilermakers are of the Union right in the heartland!

RHYTHM CHICKEN in Milwaukee we can at least keep a indeed agents of anti-ruckus! I have I mean, sure, Florida could be given better eye on him. Today, Francis — Funyuns and Sicnarf are led into discovered a distinct pattern in the to Cuba or Luxembourg and no one and I are looking about his new nest a back room littered with newspa- scheduled airings of Diff’rent would raise a stink, but Indiana is for any clues that may assist us in per clippings, maps, piles of video Strokes, Mork & Mindy, and part of the cherished MIDWEST! determining exactly what has been cassettes, and a few oddball Sesame Street. This can be no coin- Has someone slipped some kryp- squelching the Chicken’s ruckus. antiques of electronical giz- cidence! They have been operating tonite into your birdseed, or maybe – Dr. S.] whackery. — amongst us for some time now, hid- some Miller Lite into your Pabst? ing their coded correspondence – Dr. S.] — Just then, the Rhythm Chicken [Wow, Mr. Chicken! It looks like within all this new “Atkins diet” lit- bursts in wearing only a jock strap someone has been burning a little erature. Does it not seem strange to Fellow Americans, I know I speak and cowboy hat! — midnight oil here. Gary Coleman any of you Americans that our soci- for all of you when I say that we sightings… Robin Williams arti- ety has become way too saturated must rid our great nation of this evil Well, well, well! If it isn’t ol’ facts… Big Bird footage… What is with this Atkins hooshwash? IT’S wasteland known as Indiana. Their Sicnarf and Funyuns! Starting my WITH all this hooshwash? – Dr. S.] EVERYWHERE!!! I have returned bowling scores alone are insulting column without me again, eh? Oh, to an America hell-bent on “count- enough! Now that we have this please don’t let me stop you. (Yeah, and what’s with all these ing carbs” and eating their proof, this metaphorical smoking Continue rummaging through my maps of Indiana? – F.F.) bratwurst WITHOUT THE BUN! It gun (not to mention a recently things! Don’t be surprised when has taken me many long nights, but found ACTUAL smoking gun!) it is you stumble upon my Gary I have put in many sleepless nights I do believe I have cracked their our duty to rid ourselves of this Coleman/Robin Williams location in my quest for the truth. Only by code and can now monitor their lame limb, this eleventh finger, this and cross-reference documentation relentlessly putting my beak to the communications. So, it can also be diseased appendage. Special treat- and studies. And don’t think that grindstone have I been able to seen as no coincidence that the ment may be allowed in the han- my disdain for Big Bird has faded uncover the relationship between estranged Dr. Atkins has mysteri- dling of Sloppy Seconds; otherwise one bit. I’m still determined to these three slick-slacks. My intelli- ously passed away soon after his few will be spared. Let the world prove that he was born and not gence sources have provided me medium became the channel of ter- know that us ruckus-raising hatched, squeezed out Snuffy’s with indisputable evidence linking ror for our evil trio. As I speak, our Wisconsinites will no longer turn dinghole no less! Arnold, Mork, and that fat, yellow- secret troops from the ruckus mili- away from evil. We will come face feathered fuck! They are surely up tia are amassing on the borders of to face with Gary Coleman, Robin (Hello, Chicken! We weren’t really to some unsavory hooshwash, and Indiana. Illinois has allowed us free Williams, AND Big Bird! Don’t be snooping around, honest! It’s just for this I will not stand! access to their Indiana border, as so surprised when Indianapolis that your Dinghole Report was due has Michigan. Those states who do buys the Brewers and the Rally a few days ago so Sean and Todd [Whoa, settle down there Chicken. not side with us will have to face Rabbit becomes their new Uncle sent us over here to see what was Maybe the Milwaukee Brewers the truth sooner or later, our truth. Sam! Fellow Americans who are the hold up. – F.F.) being put up for sale has you a little Indiana has long been allowed to not Wisconsinites, I feel for you 12 off-kilter? Are you still harboring ill exist in its state of evil limbo and and your unfortunate place of birth. I ask of you to please do your part. music clips and various in-house soon ended. The show’s host ran clear of me for my remaining time Ask not what Wisconsin can do for music guests playing air guitar and over in her elf suit for a quick inter- in the studio. As you can see, my you! BURN ALL THE ATKINS lip-syncing to their own pre-record- view. She asked me a few questions ruckus is most untame! DIET LITERATURE YOU COME ed music. It was like Chicago’s own about Chicago food and whatnot, IN CONTACT WITH! punk rock American Bandstand! but all of her questions were met {Rhythm Chicken…you’re fired. DENOUNCE CARB COUNTING There was a clip where all the with my clucking and the giggles of – Todd and Sean} IN ALL ITS FORMS! Indiana is a dancers would take turns dancing in the children around me. It didn’t clever weasel, but with our muz- front of a blue screen. I stood in line last too long, but it stirred up ?????!!!!!!!! zling ruckus we can overcome this and had my turn to shake my tail enough ruckus to gain me a spot in unchecked evil in our midst! feathers for the camera. This small Jake’s Uno-a-go-go show the fol- –The Rhythm Chicken taste of the Chicken spurred the lowing year. The children steered (Believe me, Chicken! I hate kids’ interest in my presence. A few [email protected] Indiana as much as the next clips and segments later, my time www.rhythmchicken.com Wisconsinite, but we cannot wage slot had come. My drums were war on a state based on your misin- thrown together in the middle of the terpretation of the TV schedule and stage and all the kids and various disillusioned code breaking! I real- Chicago scenesters were poised ly think you should drop this obses- around me. When the “on air” light sive fanatical campaign and just came on, Mike Finch got to intro- relax and enjoy some Pabst with us duce me to the camera as “The more often! Everyone at the Cactus Rhythm Chicken, all the way from Club has been asking where you’ve Wisconsin!” I started pounding out been. Look at those dark circles my rhythms. My ears bounced around your eyes! Your beak is about as I pounded the skins and I barely hanging off of your face! soon noticed that the kids and You’ve become a pale and ruckus- scenesters were dancing wildly free clone of yourself! – F.F.) around me! I paused and raised my wings momentarily, met [He’s right, Mr. Chicken. This is with exuberant cheers from the RHYTHM CHICKEN even scarier than your Rally Rabbit dancers. I then gave them period. What has happened to you? another dose of my chaos. I When was the last time you even pounded out a completely TOUCHED your drums? We random attack of wild should have never let you go on “Bobby Brady” drumming, that lazy-ass vacation to Poland. completely unstructured Just LOOK what you’ve become! wild-ass and most nondan- Do you even have a Dinghole cable slop rock! It wasn’t Report for us today, or are you until I saw the taped footage going to pull out another bottom- later that I could enjoy see- of-the-barrel archive and try to live ing the dancers trying their off of your past? – Dr. S.] hardest to dance to the completely disjointed Dinghole Report #34: Ruckus drumbeats that ended in Rock on Chic-a-go-go! one last big kaboom (Rhythm Chicken sighting #80 before I raised my wings berzillion) once more. They jerked and twitched, unsure It was a blizzardy December where the drumming Saturday morning a few years back was going, but they when I threw the Chickenkit into soon cheered and my car, loaded up on early morning clapped as the ruckus-juice (ok, coffee), and time slot braved Interstate 94 West (which actually goes south) down to the windy city. Mike Finch, my Chicago booking agent, really came through for me with this high-profile gig, a spot on the “Chic-a-go-go” punk rock TV dance party show! Jake Roctober, the same master- mind behind Uno-a-go-go, the one-man-band festival, brings this little gem to Chicago’s cable access air- waves (wires?) every week. Somehow, Mike managed to book me on the Christmas show, so I wore my EMF shirt. I waited around in the studio watching the show being recorded with little children danc- ing around to different underground OO AATT EERR PP MM II 9900880033 NN AAYY

The price of dreams is going up. And I bought them – again. The ads I saw claimed, “Own a bowlful of water fun and a tiny aquarium. It didn’t matter Sea Monkeys happiness,” and “More fun than a zoo full of that life sucked. The Sea Monkeys would come. chattering, howling jungle monkeys.” Whee! I was around seven when I saw them on the Yeah! Fun was on its way. And finally, one day, they came. back of an Archie comic book: Sea Monkeys. It I had waited for something like this. Over When you’re seven, there is nothing like that was in the middle of a blizzard in Philly. They the last year I had stashed away nickels and feeling when the postman arrives with a brown, called off school for three days in a row and I sat dimes, and traded up for dollar bills when there cardboard package for you with your name and in my room with nothing but a waist-high stack were enough of them. I didn’t know what I was address on it. I sliced open the box so fast I cut of comics. The snow had walled up the door and saving for, but knew something would come. I my finger and didn’t care about the little drips of walkway to our house, and mounded up past the had $3.85. The Sea Monkeys were only $1.25 blood, seeping down the cardboard. Inside was edge of the downstairs windows. Just miles of plus fifty cents for shipping. I took the dollar bill the cute little aquarium, with red top and bottom white silence outside. and wrapped it up in a plain piece of notebook with the Sea Monkey logo embossed on it. One The snow was so deep you couldn’t go out- paper. Then wrapped up three quarters in a sep- of the clear, plastic sides had a magnifying circle side to play or go sledding – your sled would just arate piece and placed it, along with the order on it, so you could more easily see the tiny sink into the snow so you sat there in a tall, icy form, in an envelope. On the front, I wrote the Monkeys. Inside the aquarium were three little hole. My parents were embroiled in what would Sea Monkeys’ mailing address, and I stuck a half envelopes: one filled with water purifier to pre- be a long, bitter divorce, so there was nothing dozen stamps. pare the monkeys, one filled with “Plasma,” a but time. There was nothing to do but talk on the Even though there was three feet of snow peach-colored powder – the Sea Monkey eggs, phone and read, and the world in the comics was outside, I knew the mailman would still drive by, and then there was an envelope filled with better than the one inside the house, outside my in his square truck with chains on the tires. I put greenish-brown food for them, along with a set room. I dove headfirst into the giant stack. on several layers of clothing and pushed my way of instructions. The instructions said to simply On the back of one of the thin, newsprint outside towards the mailbox at the end of the dri- fill the aquarium with water, put the purifier and books were the little pink Sea Monkeys. Sea veway. Each step swallowed my leg in snow, then the peach powder inside, along with some people, really. They had faces and eyes. Wide AYN IMPERATO soaking my little Levis with icy water, but I had of the food. smiling mouths. Arms and legs. Heads shaped a greater purpose. Placing the envelope in the I put water and purifier junk in the aquari- like crowns and little scales all over their round- gray mailbox on the corner felt like mailing off um. I shook the peach powder inside, gently. I ed bodies. They rode seahorses like bucking destiny. Soon things would change. It didn’t put some of the food in. And waited. The broncos in an underwater, glittering rodeo and matter about the fighting and the cold air and the instructions said it would take a few hours for were having, quite frankly, a hell of a party. I cold hearts and the boredom. Happiness would the eggs to hatch, so I didn’t expect much at wanted to play with the little monkey-people. I soon arrive in a package of microscopic, under- first. The hours passed and nothing seemed to wanted to join the party. happen. I looked close – as close as I had ever where. On the street corner, religious fanatics I stopped and stared at the small, red tipped looked at anything – and couldn’t see the hatch- sell salvation, with their hand-drawn Jesus aquarium and wanted to buy them again so lings. I wondered if I had accidentally killed signs. On TV, the president sells safety by blow- badly just so I could remember what it still felt them. Maybe I shook the powder too hard. ing a third-world country into oblivion, as like to dream. Maybe more Plasma? I agonized over that for a though this will forever stop guns and bombs I went into the store to discover that they while, and tried to distract myself while I wait- and terror, when we all really know those things now cost $5.95, three times what they once ed. will never be stopped. The advertisements in were. The price of dreams is going up. And I By the end of the day, I saw some move- magazines or infomercials – companies selling bought them – again. I bought them to remem- ment. There were these little fluttering brine pills or creams that will make you lose weight ber what I used to feel, and also to remember shrimp swimming around the bowl. This must in thirty days, when the only way you’re going what I’ve since learned. They are nothing more be the Sea Monkeys’ food, I thought. By night- to become slim is by eating good foods and than a few shrimps in an aquarium, but if you fall, there were lots of these shrimp, but no Sea going to the damn gym. But wouldn’t it be nice look real hard and use lots of imagination, they AYN IMPERATO Monkeys. I waited some more. to just take a pill? We still buy the dream. are little genies in a plastic bottle. If nothing Watching the shrimp in the bowl for a On my first day at work, a sales-type job, else, they are good for thinking of the things while, they started to look like snowflakes my boss told me about a girl who used to work you wish or wished for. And when you’re not swirling, falling. I looked past them out the for him who took home a thousand dollars a dreaming, they make really cheap pets. window at the snow that still lingered on the day. He claimed she only had to work one or –Ayn Imperato ground in sparse, white clumps on the other- two days a week, instead of the usual five, wise dead grass. Then it dawned on me. These because she worked so hard and made so much. END NOTE: Sea Monkeys, I discovered, were weren’t the food. These were the Sea Monkeys. A thousand dollars a day. Now during my time developed in 1957 by a man named Harold von That’s all there was. working there, no one I’ve seen at the business Braunhut, who was a novelty gift entrepreneur has come close to those numbers in one day. We owning 195 patents for various curiosities, After that, I started to question things. all still work our four or five days a week, and including X-Ray Spex, Invisible Goldfish (with Whatever it was I was looking for, I wouldn’t we are all still working hard. But still it keeps the promise that they will never be seen!), and find the answer so soon. It certainly wasn’t you wondering and thinking that it may be pos- Crazy Crabs. Since the original kits in the ‘60s something you could buy. Not from a fancy pic- sible. And that keeps many people coming in and ‘70s, other items have been developed, ture on the back of a magazine. I discovered day after day without feeling dejected about such as watches containing a tiny shrimp-filled something else, very different from a magic having to come in at all. My boss knows the bowl, t-shirts, posters, as well as computerized idea – a little bit of truth about life. Not all value in selling a dream. Because a thousand “virtual” Monkeys, all generating more rev- promises were real. dollars a day doesn’t just buy a few nice things, enue for the infamous entrepreneur. Von Some Sea Monkey entrepreneur has long it changes the quality of your life. It’s a Sea Braunhut was later found to be involved in since retired on his $1.25 plus fifty cents for Monkey ad. “some of the most extreme racist and anti- shipping. He was in the business of selling Semitic organizations in the country,” despite dreams. And what a moneymaker that is. He A few blocks up from my apartment is a the fact that von Braunhut was, in actuality, knew kids would spend everything they had to street lined with restaurants and stores. Walking Jewish himself. Since their conception in buy them. And adults will buy them, too. down it the other day, I saw a toy store with a the late 1950s, billions of Sea Monkeys, You can see people selling dreams every- package of Sea Monkeys sitting in the window. both real and virtual, have been sold. LLEE AA DD DD EE AATT NN ST IITT GG II’’MM AAGGAAIINNST SSII E DDE

As with most celebrities who they never really have since this all lawyer, friend and ally to the Anyhow, after nine whole reside out here in the greater L.A. went down. wealthy who get themselves into months later, it finally happens: area, it seems that when they get a Police records show that when some serious hot water (more like Phil’s charged with murder on hankerin’ for testing their limits the officers arrived at his house on scalding, if you will, on a criminal November 20, 2003. Phil then with the law, it’s usually done in an the night in question, Spector was level). You might remember Bobby decides in early February to ditch unconventional fashion. O.J. standing over near Clarkson’s body Shapiro’s services when he helped Shapiro and his services (should’ve Simpson, who proved himself quite with his hands in his pockets. out O.J. Simpson with that little been him to begin with, instead of handy with a blade, had his vehicle When he wouldn’t show his hands, sticky situation of murdering a cou- Lana Clarkson) and have famed chase/parade on the freeways out the police resorted to using an elec- pla people, one being his ex-wife. defense attorney Leslie Abramson here that one wild summer, and he tric Taser gun to place him in cus- ‘Member? You ‘member! That take his murder case over. To Music good. Murder bad. ended up holing up for a while on tody. Hey, Phil, a lil’ bit of advice: fucking shit receptacle Shapiro is refresh any memories out there, his property in Brentwood before you ain’t Rodney fucking King as guilty as O.J., as far as I’m con- Abramson was the lawyer who the fuzz collared his smug, murder- AND you’re sixty-three years old, cerned. Before the report was pub- became famous for her role in the ing ass. Had that been me or any man. Just do what the nice LAPD lished, he issued a statement murder trial of brothers Lyle and other low-profile jerk, the last thing officer instructs you to do next declaring Spector’s innocence. Erik Menendez. Yeah, those viewed through my eyes would’ve time, if there ever is a next time, “We have assembled a team of sci- Menendezes. Abramson, 60, said been the powder flash of a police- god forbid. Besides being his stub- entific experts which is among the she had been phasing out her man’s riotgun while the lead spray born bastard self with the police – most respected and prestigious in defense practice, ready to look from the barrel made a nice part something he’s constantly known the world,” Shapiro said. “Based towards retirement, when she was down the middle of my face and/or for doing with everyone – ol’ Philly on this team’s findings of this hor- contacted by Spector. Here’s where body. Ah, to contain enough wealth is also quoted on the same police rible human event, any jury will she stuffs a wrinkled-up, old foot in to buy yourself a suspended or records for saying some ridiculous- conclude that Phil Spector is not her mouth by exemplifying what I scott-free sentencing. Must be nice, ly stoopid shit. guilty.” Whatever. Kind of like O.J. was talking about earlier about that is, if you can live with your- Spector talked to his chauffeur and his “ongoing investigation” to admiring anyone on a personal self, right O.J.? But there’s been yet that night, telling him, “I think I find out who offed his wife and her level solely on their achievements: even more criminal shenanigans killed somebody.” The chauffeur, man-pal. You know something, you “I was about to hang it up when I happening in L.A. lately. identified only as Souza, told the shitbirds: you may have insulted got the call. No other defendant Let’s back up to a little over a cops arriving at the scene that he the system, but don’t insult the peo- would get me to give up my free- year ago. February 3, to be exact. came to the mansion’s back door ple’s intelligence. People like me dom. No other defendant was This was the night that Phil Spector after hearing a boom and saw don’t like it, you jerks. someone I considered an idol, an was charged with putting a bullet in Clarkson, her face bloody, seated in Spector was also booked with icon, and the definition of cool.” B-movie/bit-part actress Lana a chair. Incidentally, Souza’s the personally using a handgun in com- Well, pardon me, Ms. President of Clarkson’s head (through her guy who called 911. Wonder if mission of a crime, an enhancement the Legal Eagles Phil Spector Fan mouth, to be exact). I’d like to state Souza’s still employed under that could add more time to a sen- Club, but I have a question. When right here as you’re reading this Spector, Inc.? Yes, this shit’s actu- tence if he is convicted. That’s not did the fact that someone you con- that I’ve been quite the fan of ally on police record, folks. just a whopper. That’s a Whopper sidered an idol, an icon, or the def-

DESIGNATED DALE Spector’s work for some time. In Inside the house, blood was w/ cheese, bee-yotch! Over the inition of cool designate your per- my own opinion, he was one of found on a door handle, a stairway summer months to follow, Spector sonal legal services? And what’s rock’n’roll’s greatest producers, if railing, and a man’s coat in a dress- wasn’t only part of an über-lame the deal with “no other defendant not thee best. Phil possessed equal ing room upstairs. A bloody rag interview with Esquire magazine would get you to give up your free- amounts of unsurpassed passion, was on a bathroom floor near the that has him flapping his trap on dom?” What about the real inno- talent, and vision. But, with that entrance of the house. Oh yeah – how Clarkson’s death was possibly cent people that need your ser- said, you can’t (and shouldn’t try speaking of the entrance of the a suicide, but he goes one pissed- vices? Oh, shit, I’m sorry. You’re a to) admire anyone on a personal house – Clarkson’s body was found off, tyrannical step further. Phil defen$e attorney. D’oh. level solely on their achievements. in a pool of blood near the entrance then starts to badmouth Shapiro to Look, I absolutely love Why? Because it’s downright silly, with a revolver under her leg. Bits the press – from how he didn’t get Spector’s production work as much being that some of the biggest of her teeth (blown out from the this case nipped in the bud to how as the next hopeless music nut, but geniuses in history were some of bullet’s impact) were scattered like he didn’t even cut him a deal on the that don’t mean that the guy hasn’t the biggest fucking assholes as marbles across the floor. A fucked legal fees! Can you friggin’ imagine got some serious issues and I that people. So, when I heard this story up scene, indeed, wouldn’t you this guy?! Spector actually consid- I’m gonna come running to his aid drop last year, I got that “Please tell agree? Although arrested on suspi- ered Shapiro “a friend as well as a when he decides to start acting like me you didn’t do something as stu- cion of murder that same evening, colleague.” That’s funny, ‘cause Jesse James. Fuck that. Take pid as this, you dumbass!” feeling Spector got released on a million I’ve always considered Shapiro’s responsibility for your doings or in my gut. But unfortunately, up to dollar bond just hours later. face something to wipe my ass prepare to pay the price. And that this point in the case, things aren’t Now, can you guess who legal- with, even though that smarmy mug doesn’t mean to literally pay your looking all that favorable for our ly came to Spector’s defense? of his isn’t even worthy of getting way out of it with a simp like boy Phil. In fact, That’s right: Robert $hapiro – near the general area of my shitter. Abramson. Phil’s track record of 16 being a bi-polar primadonna and High School.” There was the sit- tasking a movie and LP. Joey goes experience. It was a contributing having a gun handy speaks for ting around his house, waiting for on: “Dee Dee was goin’ through his factor to my heart attack. The night itself. In 1977 at the Whisky-A- Spector to make his “entrance,” own period, he had his own before it happened, Phil and I had Go-Go in Hollywood Spector and then after an hour or so of demons. And L.A. is the kind of gone around. He wasn’t doing any meets the Ramones for the first doing so, Phil would sit at his place you can get into trouble, work. He was drinking and he was time to discuss the possibility of piano, singing and tinkering the especially if there’s a lot of waiting procrastinating and we couldn’t get working with them on one of their keys, almost like he was expecting around. Phil would run down the any work done. The Ramones were upcoming LPs. (You knew there everyone to sit there and listen. songs like a couple hundred times in the studio, they were there all had to be the six degrees of the According to Joey: “If anyone in before he’d even do one take; he night and he wouldn’t focus. He’d Ramones in here, didn’t you?) the band wanted to leave, he’d dis- was listening for something. We sit there in a stupor. It was really What’s the first words outta the appear. Then he’d come back and were used to goin’ in and knockin’ that bad.” I’d like to know just charmer’s mouth to the band? “My he’d want to show you his terrari- ‘em out in one take. We like it to be what the hell kind of salary Spector bodyguards wanna fight your um or some of the hideous-looking spontaneous. You like to capture paid Levine over the years. I mean, bodyguards,” he blurts out, wear- things he had in there. The night that. It takes us like a month to to have to sit and work in a studio ing a cape and those unmistakable had to belong to Phil, just like the record an album. But with Phil, this in the thick of that crap going on, shades, sorta like some smanly studio does. It was just too weird. album took forever. It was like a let alone have it drive you to heart Hollywood vampire. But he did go One time I opened a closet door in crazy Chinese water torture and failure. And this is just the on to say that he liked the band and his kitchen and this St. Bernard Dee Dee started crackin’ up.” Then Ramones sessions: the tip of the that he’s available to make a great jumped out of the dark. It was it happened one night. The iceberg of god-knows-what-else album, if they chose to do so with locked in, just hangin’ out in inevitable explosion between a went on with other artists who him. Joey Ramone, being a huge there.” drunken Spector and a “chemically worked with Phil. Mad genius, yes. fan of Spector’s work, was more Most artists who worked with enhanced” Dee Dee, who was sup- That neighbor or babysitter you than ecstatic to work with the Phil said that he always demanded posedly provoking Phil. The story can count on? No thank you. music legend on the soon-to-be an explanation as to why anyone goes, according to Joey: “He held a It’s looking rather grim as to fifth Ramones’ LP, End of the wanted or had to leave his place. gun to Dee Dee’s head. Dee Dee what’s gonna happen with Mr. Century (1980). Man, can you say CREEPY? was kinda fucked up on Quaaludes Spector, but remember that this is As soon as work got started on During the End of the Century ses- or something and he told Phil he Los Angeles, so don’t choke on the record at Spector’s Gold Star sions, which usually took place at was gonna kill him. I guess Phil your own spit if you happen to Studios in L.A., Phil was up to his night, the Ramones were up early felt he had only one way to catch Phil and O.J. playing golf usual freakishness, keeping the in the mornings to be on call for the respond.” together anytime soon. Music band hanging around for ridicu- filming of Rock’n’Roll High If this ordeal was true to detail good. Murder bad. lously long periods of time. There School, the band’s big screen or not, listen to what Larry Levine were the tedious playbacks in the debut. The days got longer and (Spector’s long-time studio engi- I’m Against It studio, like the supposed hours of longer, and for Dee Dee, things neer) had to say about the sessions –Designated Dale playback of the opening guitar were quickly coming to a head with and his second heart attack: “The chord of the song “Rock’n’Roll the unbearable schedule of multi- Ramones, Jesus, that was a terrible DESIGNATED DALE IINN KK AACC MM ED BBAALLLLOOOONN HH TTHHEE TTWWIISSTTED ICC RRI

IT SEEMED THAT THE ONE - IF NOT ONLY - THING WE HAD IN COMMON WAS OUR TENDENCY TO WEAR THE SAME PANTS FOR DAYS ON END. PHOTO BY DAN MONICK uck the punk community. will never grow out of punk, dress that’s not just a fact. It’s not the end looking rebellious (in a specific There, I said it. I mean, sure, a socially normal, and such, yet look of the world, either. way that conforms to a standard of Ffew months ago, I said I was down on those of earlier genera- But to go back to how the punk rebellion, of course). When I went trying not to use the word “fuck” to tions who are living their todays as community is not really a commu- to see the Circle Jerks when I was describe anything except actual today’s youth plan their tommor- nity, let’s consider the diverse fifteen, the four guys we all paid to fucking, but who cares, punk is all rows. For another thing, as cool as and/or eclectic and/or completely see wore t-shirts and jeans and about rebellion and hypocrisy, isn’t DIY is, much of it, when you come unrelated genres that all can be looked like they spent little to no it? I’ll talk more about hypocrisy in down to it, still requires mainstream described as punk. I mean, to some, time on hairstyles of any sort. a moment, but right now, let me corporate culture. Fugazi is a punk band, to others, Once I was at a party, and there elaborate on the punk community. Don’t believe me? Well, while Good Charlotte is a punk band. were hardcore kids in hooded First of all, for the most part, punk your band might have recorded on a Siouxie and the Banshees was at sweatshirts, a few hands displaying is a concept at best and scene at 4 track in your basement and one point a punk band, as was Xs; mohawked spike leather kids; worst, and it really isn’t as much of pressed the CDs on your own label, Corrosion of Conformity. GG Allin Carhartt with patches wearing a community as many people con- you had to buy that 4 track from was a hero to many punks, as is Ray dreadlocked all in black crusty vince themselves that it is. someone, and you had to buy that Cappo. Crass and Skrewdriver were kids; rockabilly kinda looking kids; For one thing, a community is CD player from someone. I bet that both punk bands with political thrift store and chunky glasses hip- something that has a whole culture this equipment wasn’t handmade lyrics, and as much as you might ster types; people like me who to it – a culture, not a subculture. A from all natural components by disapprove with one or another’s don’t care about fashion and so subculture is just that, and a music someone you know by name. views, liking or agreeing with wind up dressing like everyone else or fashion scene is no more Writing, editing, printing, stapling something is not the factor that we know who doesn’t care about RICH MACKIN autonomous than a set of slang is a my own zine for years is pretty makes it punk. So what the heck is fashion... and it hit me that we all different language. While, indeed, a DIY, but I still rely on a corporate punk really? If punk is not about could be called punk, but we all few pockets exist where there are copy machine and paper made by a fashion, why is fashion such an looked different. We had political punk families with punk parents company. (The one exception to important part of punk? Why can beliefs ranging from conservative and punk kids, for the most part this is a zine Ben Snakepit wrote in the term “punk fashion” even be patriotic types to militantly apathet- punk is viewed as a youth activity. his own blood on homemade paper, coined and come to mind to mean ic types to radical anarchists. We Those who are over thirty or so bet- but I think my point is still valid.) certain things, even in a magazine listened to music that all could be ter have some scenester cred from This isn’t to say that DIY zines and published by a bunch of people who called punk but sounded complete- being a performer, organizer or small labels aren’t awesome and few passers-by would say “looked” ly diverse. (Much the way that writer, or else they are the weird old worth supporting, just that even punk? But if punk is about fashion, Sabbath is heavy metal, Slayer is people who get funny looks. I find Dischord records isn’t completely why are so many of the great punk heavy metal, and Motley Crue is it intriguing how many punk kids detached from the “system.” None bands so unfashionable? And I heavy metal or how Johnny Cash 18 go on about how they of us are; none of us will be. And don’t mean counter fashion by and Garth Brooks are both country.) So, what was the unifier that some- labor, other dark-skinned people for how made us all punk? Matt target practice. Women had less Coweatman held the answer once rights than men. Workers had less the question was asked. rights than bosses. Another good “None of us changed our example of this is in the English pants.” rule in the time of Braveheart – the Indeed. It seemed that the one – white male king looks down upon if not only – thing we had in com- women, homosexuals, the lower mon was our tendency to wear the classes, and finds ways to be racist same pants for days on end. For a to other white people. The English few of us, for months on end. (In have been oppressing the Irish and fact, I think I donned the jeans I am Scottish for ages. More on wearing now two weeks ago, and Braveheart later. The point being save for showers and bedtime, have that I was talking about how been wearing the same pair.) Now, Western society has traditionally some of us take the pants off daily, been oppressive. wash, change underwear and put Someone read this and noted them back on. Some of us have no that not only Western society is more morning ritual than physical- oppressive. This took me by sur- ly getting up and perhaps looking prise, because my point wasn’t to around to see where we are, but the say; “Only Western society is more I thought about it, the more I oppressive.” But “Pretty much all realized that all the punks I knew of Western society is oppressive, had this tendency. It’s not an exact and I want to be as general as pos- science. We did change on occa- sible without saying all humanity is sion. Some of us wear dresses and oppressive, because that’s not the skirts and kilts, but when we did case.” This made me fully under- wear pants, we wore the hell out of stand a problem inherent with lan- them. I’m not saying that a poll of a guage. People will filter what you punk show will yield 100% admit- say with what they expect you to tance to repeat pantial wearing, but say, and what they have been the trend should arise significantly. trained to hear. So there you have it. The unity For instance, I can say, “I am of the punk scene is in our pants. Rich Mackin.” You likely read that This got me started thinking to mean that I am Rich Mackin, and about pants in the larger cultural nobody else is. But if I say, “I am scale. It’s funny. I think everyone I wearing pants,” you clearly would- know wears pants. Yet, when peo- n’t assume I am the only wearer of that the ruling section of that group cars. Maybe it’s a complex series of RICH MACKIN ple I know stopped wearing chain pants. For that matter, we might which represents the English. But cause and effect relationships wallets or took out their nose rings think someone is insane if they this sentence, grammatically, could resulting to a fact like how no war because “everyone” sported that were to say, “I am God” because, at also infer that all English people do has been fought by two nations that look, they meant “everyone” in an least in our culture, we imply God this, which is not the case. But it have McDonald’s in them. (This is exaggerated, figurative sense. But to be one person, so if that person shows what a big distance there is explored in detail in Thomas literally everyone I know wears thinks they are God, you assume in the translation between the writer Friedman’s The Lexus and the pants. Furthermore, they were they mean, “I am God, and you are and reader, the speaker and listener. Olive Tree). Maybe it’s just a coin- alarmed because they identified not.” In India, this might be met Okay, so back to Braveheart. I cidence that shows that just because themselves as rebels who couldn’t with the same significance of say- have used that film a few times to something is factually or technical- do what “everyone” was doing. Yet, ing, “I am wearing pants.” “Big note the idea of a society that has ly accurate doesn’t make it a logical I don’t see too many noncon- deal,” the listener would say, “We many forms of oppression, espe- theory. An observation can be cor- formists rejecting pants wearing as all are.” Alan Watts postulates that cially the white on white ethnic rect without understanding the a statement of rebellion. The closest the whole problem with oppression. But something else also cause and effect relationship of thing to this is no pants day every Christianity is that Christ said he surfaced when I started thinking what you are observing. But, it’s May (May 7 this year, check out was God, and his followers misin- about English people oppressing something to think about. http://www.nopantsday.com for terpreted what Watt’s feels is, “Hey, the Scots. And yes, this also has to Oh, and about the punk com- more info) but you can guess, with- I am God, because we all are,” do with pants. munity, the radical community, the out even looking at the site, the wrongly and thought, “Oh, so this Groups that wear pants oppress activist community – well, all the level of seriousness involved. Jesus guy is God, meaning nobody those that don’t. people in these communities wear So, since everyone I know else is.” Think about it. Men historically pants. But then again, so do non- wears pants, but there is nothing To beat this horse even further have oppressed women. Men wear punks, non-radicals, and non- about pants that is inherent in and randomly, if I were to say, pants. Women, until recently, did- activists. We’re all part of a bigger human nature, I started thinking “Black people wear baggy pants n’t. The pant-wearing English community. If you don’t address about the numerous points that can and gold chains,” you might con- oppressed the kilt-wearing Scottish. that, and consider that the people be made about pants wearing. The sider that a racist stereotype, Pant-wearing Europeans oppressed who live around you, who put first one came up when I was talk- because you assume I mean all peoples who wore loincloths, saris, together your CD player, sell the ing about the nature of oppressive black people do this, or only black sarongs, grass skirts, gourds... paper your zines are printed are on, societies. You see, the more a soci- people do this. But a statement like, Naked people don’t wear anything, and stitch your pants together are ety is oppressive, the more forms of “Black people wear pants,” would pants or otherwise, and have been part of that community too, you oppression will come up. Kalahari be met with something along the historically persecuted into putting don’t care about your community. bushpeople have some division of lines of, “Duh, people of all races some pants on or hiding in segre- Call a scene whatever you want, but labor, but no class system, no sex- wear pants.” This made me start gated beaches and colonies. if it’s about exclusion and not inclu- ism, and no ethnic or racist oppres- thinking about how this discrepan- I don’t think this is decided. I sion. It’s a clique, not a community. sion. Without discussing current cy in the use of language allows for don’t see the source of all oppres- –Rich Mackin messes, America, for the most part, stereotypes and miscommunica- sion in the world to be the wearing was run by wealthy, light-skinned tion. When I earlier said that the of pants. Maybe it’s the way red people who used some dark- “English have been oppressing the cars get more tickets – people who skinned people for slaves or cheap Irish and Scottish for ages,” I meant like to drive fast like to drive red 19 DD NN LLAA UU RR Y MMIICCKK IIMM LLAAZZY JJ

VINCENT'S MADNESS WAS PERSONAL AND PRIVATE. ALTHOUGH THE BETRAYAL OF THE FRANK FAMILY BY AN UNKNOWN AGENT MUST HAVE FELT PERSONAL, ANNE WAS DESTROYED BY A PARTICULARLY VIRULENT PUBLIC MADNESS. A dressing gown hangs from a hook. A piece of The thing about Vincent van Gogh is we are flimsy fabric is draped over a chair. A replica of fascinated with him for all the right reasons: his SANCTUARIES Anne’s journal sits on the desk. The soft light violent outbursts, the savage self-immolation from the desk lamp suggests a writer at work. It and, ultimately, his spectacular suicide, which is a room that is always awaiting Anne, but was foretold in his last work in oils, “Crows in A few summers ago I went to Amsterdam for Anne, of course, is never coming back. the Wheatfield.” His notoriety outshines his all the usual reasons. I thought the highlight of The Anne Frank House is the second most most well known work; his creations are forever my trip would be sitting in the Old Sailor Bar, popular tourist attraction in Amsterdam; the fixed in his Promethean shadow. Perhaps it’s all sipping stout while high on hash, watching Vincent van Gogh Museum is the first. The those self-portraits. Maybe Kirk Douglas’s por- English football hooligans work up the nerve to museum was at the top of my list of things to do trayal in Lust For Life has something to do with proposition the prostitutes behind the glass on in Amsterdam, and it was a crushing disap- it, giving birth to the myth of Vincent as a brood- the other side of the alley. What I didn’t expect pointment. Standing before van Gogh’s ing Romantic, a misanthropic genius, the pro- was to be swept up in two of the city’s most pop- “Sunflowers,” I felt as if someone was playing tean Beat who cared more about ideals than ular tourist destinations: the Anne Frank House a trick on me. I didn’t see the specialness of the filthy lucre. and the Vincent van Gogh Museum. art on display, even though I wanted to. Looking In 1888 Vincent fled to Arles where he rent- Ironically, Anne’s house is easy to miss. at the painting, I felt I understood it entirely. No ed rooms in the now famous Yellow House at 2 Like the other canal-side houses on weird symbolism to grasp. No half-formed fig- Lamartine Place. He went to work on new pro- Prinsengracht, the Anne Frank House is tall and ures to pretend to understand. Growing up on a jects remarkable for their bold use of color. Both narrow, more deep than wide. The museum has farm, Vincent was no stranger to sunflowers, “Sunflowers” and “The Bedroom” are from this expanded since it opened in 1960. A new struc- and yes, these were indeed sunflowers, but they period. This is Vincent’s description of the latter: ture has been added to the offices and warehouse didn’t strike me as a particularly competent This time it’s just simply my bedroom, only that sheltered the secret annex where Anne and depiction. Look at all the paint he used. It looks here color is to do everything, and giving by its seven others hid from July 6, 1942, through like he smeared it on with a trowel. Clearly, he simplification a grander style to things, is to be August 5, 1944. It is not an ostentatious build- wants it to be more complicated than it is. suggestive here of rest or of sleep in general. In ing. Extensive renovations have camouflaged In the bookstore I bought a short biography a word, to look at the picture ought to rest the the museum’s façade. The result is subtle and of Vincent van Gogh, complete with a treatise of brain or rather the imagination. innocuous. If it weren’t for tourists queued out- his works. I took the book to the Hard Rock A study of these near identical rooms leads side the entrance, I might not have realized it Café. The rain had abated; the sun had come the viewer’s eye to the pictures Anne pasted on JIM RULAND was there at all. out, glinting brightly in the puddles on the side- the wall above her bed and writing desk, and To reach the annex, one has to navigate the walk. I ordered a Heineken and read about those that decorate the walls of Vincent’s paint- reconstructed rooms where Otto Frank worked Vincent taking up with prostitutes, drinking ing. The photos Anne glued to the wall are still as a buyer and seller of spices. The visitor moves absinthe, roaming the streets of Paris with a pis- there, preserved behind glass. The Canadian through dreary offices and storerooms, past rows tol in his pocket. No question about it, he was a film star Deanna Durbin seems to have been a of empty desks and stacks of tins used for mea- crazy motherfucker. I turned the page and spied favorite. Words from Anne’s famous diary pro- suring the spices that were ground on the a photo of a composition called “The vides an indication of her motive: premises. At the secret entrance to the annex Bedroom,” and my head started to spin. It Our little room looked very bare at first with proper, the movable bookcase is left propped depicts a small, close room in the south of nothing on the walls; but thanks to Daddy who open and the effect is reminiscent of a haunted France. The room, or rather Vincent’s represen- had brought my picture postcards and film-star house, a scene from a Nancy Drew novel. tation of it, bore an eerie similarity to Anne’s collection on beforehand, and with the aid of Ascending the tight, narrow staircase, the wealth bedroom in the annex. I hauled out a post card paste pot and brush I have transformed the walls of information about Mr. Frank’s business I have I’d purchased at the Anne Frank Museum and into one gigantic picture. This makes it look just absorbed strikes me as irrelevant. The creak- compared the two rooms. I was floored by the much more cheerful. (July 11, 1942) ing stairs tell as much as the plaques and typed similarities. Anne’s description would have delighted note cards in the display cases. Unlike most While the actual rooms were separated by Vincent. His walls were decorated with his own famous homes that have been converted into over sixty years and nearly 800 miles, the two work, among them portraits of the poet Eugène museums with their roped-off rooms like a pre- representations – one a reconstruction, the other Boch and the soldier Paul-Eugène Milliet. It is cious full-scale diorama, the visitor’s experience a visual composition – have been brought pleasing to think that if Anne had seen Vincent’s at the Anne Frank house is intimate and intense. together in Amsterdam and are separated by a bedroom, she would have recognized the room Eight people hid here for over two years. These brisk walk across the city. There is something for what it was – a place of refuge, a sanctuary. are the rooms. uncanny about the similarities between these The Diary of Anne Frank is something of a No space appears more lived in than Anne’s two rooms. I was struck by the arrangement of misnomer. Anne’s diary is really a series of let- bedroom, which she shared, first with her sister the furniture, the identical perspective, the ters addressed to an imaginary friend named Margot and then with Fritz Pfefferan, a middle- strange yellow light behind the green windows Kitty, her sister, if you will, of the imagination. aged dentist who had gone into hiding with the – even the lines in the floorboards run a parallel Vincent’s letters to his brother possess the inti- Franks. It is very much a child’s room. The track. Though the two are not usually associat- macy of a diary and some take them as a form of museum’s curators have taken great pains to ed together, if Anne is Amsterdam’s best known autobiography. “I can write no differently than I give the room a lived-in look. daughter, Vincent is the city’s favorite son. do,” he told his brother. Both Vincent and Anne 20 embellished descriptions of their my canvases again after my ill- day-to-day existence with elabo- ness the one that seemed best to rate and involved accounts of their me was the ‘Bedroom.’” It is work and what it meant to them. interesting that a scene Vincent Although it is folly to imagine had painted to lighten his mood Anne was familiar with Vincent’s brought him the greatest satisfac- “The Bedroom,” it is not only tion, even though the painting was likely, but highly probable the deeply flawed from a technical men and women of the Anne point of view. Frank House who have preserved After a series of late-night Anne’s room knew the work well excesses, Vincent had a second – even if they were not altogether attack and he was taken to the hos- aware of it. It is impossible to pital convinced that someone was leave the museum without feeling trying to poison him. The people manipulated. On August 4, 1944, of Arles petitioned for him to be the SD (German Security Service) confined. He was removed to a arrested the eight people in hiding hospital at Saint-Remy where he and took them away to the SD- tried to kill himself by eating prison on Euterpestraat. The paint. July 27, 1890, he shot him- Franks were given a few minutes self in the chest and died two days to grab what they could and they later. In the last line of his last let- would have turned the rooms over ter to Theo, found with his body in assembling those things they a wheat field, he asks: “What’s the thought they might need in the use?” dark days to come. It is probably Vincent’s madness was per- best not to dwell on this painful sonal and private. Although the moment. Certainly, the SD would betrayal of the Frank family by an have rummaged through the unknown agent must have felt rooms in search of clues that personal, Anne was destroyed by a would lead them to other particularly virulent public mad- Amsterdam Jews in hiding. To ness. In September of 1944, Anne present the room as if Anne might was deported to Auschwitz and step through the door after having sent to Bergen-Belsen. Cut off brushed her teeth and kissed her from anyone she’d ever known, parents good night is to participate she believed she alone had sur- in the same type of evocative fan- vived. Under the impression that tasy that we ascribe to film, televi- her entire family had died in the JIM RULAND sion and the stage. The Anne camps, Anne lost hope and died of Frank house is very much a set, an typhus in March of 1945, a few orchestrated reconstruction short weeks before Bergen-Belsen intended to evoke a specific type was liberated. She was a prisoner of emotion in those who set foot in to the very end. it. The room is not the room, we Both rooms are presented to must remember, but a terrifyingly the viewer from the same perspec- poignant replication. tive. Each has a pair of doors posi- There are three versions of tioned in opposite corners, sug- “The Bedroom.” When the origi- gesting the rooms were intended nal was damaged, Theo advised to be passed through, not occupied Vincent to make a copy before THERE IS SOMETHING UNCANNY ABOUT for long periods of time. Whatever having the original restored. THE SIMILARITIES BETWEEN THESE TWO refuge the occupants of these Vincent followed his brother’s rooms may have found, it was advice and produced a second ver- ROOMS. I WAS STRUCK BY THE bound to be temporary and fleet- sion, which is now displayed at the ARRANGEMENT OF THE FURNITURE, ing, a brief respite from the mad- Musée d’Orsay in Paris (he also ness swirling all about them. Both created a third, though much THE IDENTICAL PERSPECTIVE, rooms are empty, sanctuaries no smaller, version for his sister and THE STRANGE YELLOW LIGHT BEHIND more. mother). The copy differed in Though both Vincent and many not-so-subtle ways from the THE GREEN WINDOWS - EVEN THE LINES Anne viewed their sanctuaries as original. The lines are skewed, the IN THE FLOORBOARDS prisons, it is in these rooms they window frames bulge as if from RUN A PARALLEL TRACK. created the masterpieces that some terrible pressure, the framed forged their legacies. Here Anne compositions on the wall hang precariously, as if Gauguin’s portrait of Vincent at work behind his composed her famous diary, which her father they might pitch themselves onto the floor. The easel reveals a man on the brink of collapse. edited and published posthumously. Vincent’s room itself seems tilted. There is a reason for After a quarrel with his friend on December 23, work at the Yellow House, with its bold use of this. At the time when Vincent was making the 1888, Vincent had his much-romanticized color, forever changed the painter’s palette and copy, he was cut off both physically and mental- mishap with the shaving razor. He went to a the public’s taste. At the intersection of art and ly from the place that had once been a symbol of brothel and presented a piece of his ear to a pros- history, their sanctuaries are preserved not so rest and refuge. It was now a place that existed titute with the following instructions: “Guard their art may endure – both Vincent and Anne only on his troubled canvas, in his restless imag- this object carefully.” Vincent had just received are strangely ubiquitous – but to remind us of ination. word that his brother had gotten engaged, and he the tenacity of the human spirit in the face of If indeed it was rest Vincent was seeking, he feared his additional financial responsibilities inexorable grief, sadness, and evil. These rooms did not find it in Arles. His declining health, the would prohibit Theo from supporting him. It tell us that sometimes the only thing that makes many charms of the night cafés, the strain of the was, he surmised correctly, the beginning of the life bearable is a picture of a friend, a post- strong southern sun were too much for him. His end. card from a place we’d like visit some day relationships, namely with Gauguin, who was Upon Vincent’s return from the hospital he in the not-to-distant future. staying with him at the Yellow House, suffered. wrote the following to his brother: “When I saw –Jim Ruland 21 RR EE G RRG EE BB N RRN OO E MMYY HHOORRNN HH SSQQUUEEEEZZE Y RRY AA GG

Move over Flaming Carrot, we’ve got a new brand of super hero.

ell, it’s the first column of would be the best thing, because do that rips up the lawn. Anyway, Justice League all fucked up. the New Year and things then the workers could bargain for after all that he goes over and rubs There’s Sick Pigeon (Hawkman), WWare going on just as usual. their own wages and benefits. How up against this sweet pea bush and Sock Sorcerer (Doctor Fate), Buck- The strike in the grocery biz is still absurd is that? Could you see peo- snaps the roots. Now I have this Toothed Ghost (The Spectre), in a stalemate but the time off has ple asking for a living wage at the big, barren spot next to the house. Lighting Fish (Aquaman), Spatula given me the opportunity to get stores? They would laugh them out It’s not the dog’s fault, really. It’s (far-fetched Wonder Woman), and many things accomplished around the door. “Hi, I’m looking for a job the owner’s, because if the dog was Astronaut Urine Gorilla (?). They all the homes of my family. I’ll try here at Wal-Mart or McDonalds or in its backyard where it was sup- all get thrown back in time and to give all of you a brief update on any other low-paying job, and I posed to be, everyone would be meet up with historical figures who the goings on with the strike. As of want 40 hours a week at $10 an happy. I’m not. And there’s this end up being copies because the four weeks ago (the last time I was hour.” When they stopped laughing other dog, an Akita, that shits in my real figures were swiped by the vil- at the store), the grand total of pick- long enough, they would have secu- yard, and when I yell at it, it actual- lain and raised to be bad. I’ll give eters had decreased from 122 to 49. rity rolling you out into the parking ly charges the fence, which means you two as a tease: Eli Whitney is a It seems I’m not the only person lot. There’s an economic stimulus. it’s an aggressive animal. What if cotton hulk and Ben Franklin is a disgusted with the strike. At this I’ve got to say that you don’t there was no fence between us, or little creep who has a kite and key point, I don’t know if I can go back; necessarily need money to have there was an elderly or young per- crotch belt that shoots out lightning I like working where I can take a fun. I’ve been reading all my Green son walking? This dog could do bolts. Come on, it’s funny, hence break when I need to and can go to Lantern comics from the ‘60s, some damage. Why would a person the name Fighting Fun Comics. the bathroom without asking per- doing housework, and gardening. take a chance letting a dog out? I Comics that teach history at the mission. It also came to my atten- On Thursdays, one can get into sev- guess it’s all part of home owner- same time. You just can’t beat it. So tion that my boss is telling everyone eral museums in LA for free, and ship. Well, enough of my problems, anyway, there’s the big good-ver- that when and if people come back I’m doing things that I was either let’s get on with the comics because sus-evil thing going on which leads to work that he has a list of names too tired or just didn’t have time to I’ve been reading a ton. to the big fight, which in turn leads and that he’s going to ride those do before. Now, don’t get me to comic #2. I can only hope #2 has people so hard that they’re going to wrong. I want to go back to work FIGHTING FUN COMICS #1 the punch that #1 has, because I’m want to quit. Think I want to go sometime soon, but while I have the by Socha and Pickesimer, $5 U.S. gonna be looking for it. (Super- back to a person like that? And we time, I’m having some fun. Move over Flaming Carrot, we’ve heroes In Traction, 1407 Marlowe GARY HORNBERGER get along with each other. Seems Of course I still have my gripes got a new brand of super hero. I Ave, Apt. 2, Lakewood, OH 44107, the union is starting to give in; the with society. For instance, why is it don’t know why, but I like comics [email protected]) papers claim they accepted a couple that at night and early in the morn- that make a mockery of super- of the companies’ proposals on cer- ing, people let their dogs out to heroes. At first glance, I thought SELECTIVE MEMORY tain items. Looks like we’re going wreak havoc in my yard? The other that this was just another rip-off. by Jason Neuman, $2.50 U.S. to get a shitty contract. night we came home to this huskie They take six characters, make Selective is right! This starts off as I also read where some guy covering up after taking a shit in them goofy or sickly and together odd, turns hilarious, goes to ridicu- thinks that breaking the unions our yard. You know, that thing they they’re a superhero group. It’s the lous, gets funny again, and then gets soft. I guess you can say this wrong to ask from a comic that I thing redeeming is that the draw- the summation is “yeah, they’re guy has it all, and well, I guess it is should get what’s going on in it the ings have a Mad Magazine look to fuckin’ stupid…” Now, if I told you a collection of works, but to tell the first time I read it? I think not! I them, but that’s it. If piss and blood the whole story you wouldn’t read truth, if it was just the “Whizdumb” understand that herpes or the feel- is your thing, I’ll send you my the mag. It seems even the devil part, I could read it forever. They ings of sexual understandings are copies because I’m certainly not can’t help being tossed out of hell are just one panel, but they’re delicate, but shouldn’t writing interested in the ones I’ve got. when he lies to his thirteen wives, funny. Here, I’ll give you one. “As about it be decisive? With that said, (www.fantagraphics.com, in “Hell to Pay.” I also like “Belly a professional, Michael remem- I can only say that I didn’t get much www.johnnyr.com) Button Blues,” where a young girl bered the first rule in mime assassi- from this comic other than people returns months after a piercing to nation, always use a silencer.” are ignorant to social informalities. GRISTLE #3 ask about concerns of an infection. What? You say that’s not funny? That’s as PC as I can get. compiled by Sean Stepanoff When the proprietor asks to see the Well, there’s plenty more panels. This is some pretty bizarre stuff. At spot, he starts asking frantic ques- Go ahead and pick one. Now the CYRIL IN THE FALSE LANDS first glance I was thinking it was tions about her physical state. problem is the gears go from for- by Jason Nueman sick, sexual crap, but it’s just a col- When he has her all pent up with ward to reverse when we are pre- Cyril the little dead boy and I have lection of graphic art, and while fear, he says it will all clear up with sented with the adventures of Spliff had many adventures. You see, I’ve some of it is sexual, some is funny some hydrogen peroxide in a few and Binger, who are basically Jay read probably all of his adventures and some is stunning. I really like days. Yes, Riverwurst Comics is a and Verbose Bob (as opposed to and this is the latest. This is one of the first page with this Alice in collection of some pretty funny Silent Bob). All these two do is the simplest comics I get, but it Wonderland-looking cat with a stuff. It’s Mad Magazine on Cheech and Chong-style comedy, really is fun. Cyril goes to these hard on, even if he does get mashed Halloween. (Riverwurst, PO Box and you can only laugh at a pothead strange and far out places and on the very last page. The real title 511553, Milwaukee, WI 53203)

for so long. Then we travel to meets up with these Tim Burton- should be The Sexual Appetite for “missing my chick” love poems, type creatures. This time, Cyril, in the Sick and Twisted. Some of the DR. MANGOR’S which have no point in being in his never-ending quest to find art is very detailed and all of it is SQUIRMBOY #1 GARY HORNBERGER there. Once again, we are swung Candyland, gets lost in an evil graphic. Twenty years ago, this by Mangor around with “The Mother of opposite world where he meets up book would have been highly con- Well, I’m not real sure what Invention,” a combination of the and is imprisoned by his evil oppo- troversial, but plain and simple, it’s Squirmboy is but a little girl who Joe Atlas comic and the monkey site. A kind of yin and yang thing. art. All of the scenes are intensely was hungry and contemplating sui- from 2001. I like this book. I’d love He finds a new friend and some detailed and deliver a punch of cide found him in a jar. Squirmboy it if the soft love poems were gone new powers in this, which should WOW. I’ve got to say if you’re a is this worm-like creature with a but you can’t always win in comic make for some cool new stories. holy roller you’re not gonna like big, round head and a barfly’s wit. collections. (Neumie Productions, Now, I know Cyril is a dead boy, this stuff, but if your mind is open It’s crude and indulges in all of [email protected]) but I’m really starting to warm up and you can see art as a medium on life’s secret pleasures. Suzi is a lit- to him. (www.cafeshops.com/neu- paper, then you’re going to jump tle goth girl and has a very small MURPHY’S HERPES mie, [email protected]) out of your skin to get a copy of part in the entire goings on. It’s not by Kahla Lichti, $0.25 Gristle 3. (Sean Stepanoff, 4671 really a story, but a collection of Egg shells, egg shells. I’ve been ANGRY YOUTH COMICS #5 Hollywood Blvd, Apt#10, shorts of the mischief that told before that I’m a little rash in by Johnny Ryan, $2.95 U.S., LA, CA 90027) Squirmboy can get into. I’m riding my assessments of comics and that $4.45 Can. the fence on this one; hopefully it I don’t have any heart, so let’s see I have in my possession #1-5 of this RIVERWURST COMICS #3 will turn into a story in the near how many eggs I break with one. I rag and I can honestly say I don’t $3.00 U.S. future, and I can give you a definite understand that comics are to me a like any of them. They’re a little Halloween on acid is what this is. yea or nay. Apparently, this title is form of either something to make over the top for me, a little too It’s a collection of stories about in animation on kranioclast.com if you laugh (The Tick), or made-up monkey shit, zit pus, and hairy fat monsters and mayhem, geeks and you want to take a peek. Perhaps fantastic heroism (Green Lantern). guy for me. They basically revolve creeps, and stories of decapitation more will be known about the little Now if you’re going to use it as a around stories of the angry Loady and nightmares. There’s some fellow in the jar. As for right now, release for or an instrument for and his get-rich, fuck-everyone, funny shit in these pages. It’s one of the pulp is lacking in any real info. enlightenment, do so in a readable I’m-a-lazy-son-of-a-bitch-and-I’m- the best collections I’ve read. My ([email protected]) and lighthearted manner. This staying-at-your-place schemes. favorite is one titled “The Grays” –Gary Hornberger comic is very hard to read and in Taste-testing dildos at the dildo fac- and it’s about two aliens summing some places I just don’t get it. Is it tory is just not funny. The only up the problems of mankind, and 23 YY LLEE AAAA WW RSAATTIIOONNSS SS SWWIINNGGIINNGG DDOOOORR CCOONNVVEERS HH S TT SSEE

I’d rather take my chances with the old guys than pay fifteen bucks to have my hair cut in a teeny-bop mall by some depressing middle-aged woman who goes by the name Bumpy. The Barber Shop small towns of Mississippi. His eyes were big “Nah, she jus’ up and left. I don’t understand and round and the wrinkled skin sagged down it. Not a word. Just starting to work out too. I I’ve always been a sucker for the old style onto his cheeks. Each time he talked you could was giving her forty percent of what the shop barbershops. I don’t know how to put it; there’s see his leathery skin flab around. Slowly he would take in. Hell, on the real slow days I jus’ just something about the places that I love. It trimmed the man’s hair, occasionally glancing gave it all to her. Her momma’s been calling up really doesn’t have anything to do with the qual- up at the television that was showing the latest asking if I seen her. She says the girl don’t wan’ ity of haircut either. Sometimes I’ll walk into turmoil in the world. nothin’ to do with her now. I’d understand if she one and I get the feeling I’ve suddenly stepped “That girl not around no more?” asked the had some problem, if she’d a let me know, but to back in time, back to an era when the simple art man in the chair. illustration by tom wrenn of just sitting around and telling a story meant something. I don’t really ask for much out of this life. Just give me an old barbershop on hot Saturday afternoon and I’m pretty happy. Now don’t get me wrong; I’m not necessar- ily preaching the glory glory hallelujah of all the old barbershops because, believe me, I’ve been to a few that I probably wished I’d never set foot in. Take for instance the time I saw a boy of five be given a mullet cut and a duck tale, on his free will mind you, as his camouflage-toting father watched the news and said, “Hey guys, do you know why there’s no A-Rabs in Star Wars?” Blank stares all around. “It’s because they’re not in the fuuu-ture!” Yeah, let’s give it up for modern man. I mean, you never know what you’re going to get, but personally, I’d rather take my chances with the old guys than pay fifteen bucks to have my hair cut in a teeny-bop mall by some depressing

SETH SWAALEY middle-aged woman who goes by the name Bumpy. Anyway, the other day I looked at myself in the mirror and thought, it’s time, man. You’re starting to look like one of those terrorists on the infamous, most-wanted Iraqi deck of cards. Since I’d just recently moved to New Orleans I had no idea where to go. After about an hour of driving in what seemed like an endless maze of winding streets (if you’ve ever spent any amount of time trying to navigate the city outside the French Quarter, you know what I’m talking about), I lucked out on a place over on Oak Street. I saw the blue-white-red spinning rod and a sign that read “The Family Barber Shop.” Well, all right. There were three other men waiting in chairs in a small room. There was one chair and one hunched over, bald barber cutting another old- timer’s hair. A few flags were stapled to the walls, but besides that the place was pretty plain. “Say, Bud, I came by here Wednesday and you weren’t around,” said the guy getting his hair cut. “Oh yuh, closed on Wednesdays now. Gradually working ma’ way towards closing the shop. Next it’ll be just Fridays and Saturdays. Yuh’ know.” Bud had one of those deep Southern drawls, the kind you’re more likely to come across in the just up and leave, I can’t understand that. I don’t those guys die so young. his foot. He had these sandals on and wasn’t know if it’s drugs or drinking or what.” “I got back when I was twenty-two and four wearing any socks. All of these purple, varicose “Yeah, that’s a shame Bud, she seemed like year’s latah’ I bought this shop. Eighty now. veins shooting every which way and running up she was going to work out all right.” That’s a hell of a long time.” under his pants. As Bud cleaned up the back of “Ah, I’m getting’ too ol’ for this.” Eighty minus twenty-six. Holy shit! I near- my hair, I just sat there thinking about the mys- ly jumped out of my chair and gave myself an tery of age, how the body wilts away. About an hour and half later, Bud called me unwanted mohawk. Fifty-four years! For some- Eventually, Bud pulled away the apron and up to the chair. I’d just been sitting there going one like myself whose longest stint of employ- said, “How’s that?” through the Time magazines and watching the ment with the same company to date is a year, I glanced quickly at myself through the mir- lazy flies move about. A lot of people probably fifty-four seems unfathomable. I mean, just ror, and to be honest, the cut was a little lop- wouldn’t wait around that long just for a damn think of all those heads of hair. sided and I looked like I now had a pompadour, haircut, but down here, you just kind of deal “I wish I could tell some of those guys that but I didn’t say anything. I got up out of the

with it. Life moves along at a slower pace than died so young that hey, at least you didn’t have chair and paid Bud the eight bucks and left him SETH SWAALEY it does in other parts of the world. I figure, to see yourself go bald.” Bud let out a quiet a couple dollars for a tip. The frail old man we’re all going to die either way, so what’s the laugh and tapped the top of his pale-skinned attempted to get up without his cane but he fell rush? head. back into the wall. Bud and I each took an arm “How ya’ wahn’ it,” Bud asked me. and walked him over to the chair and boosted “Just short, but not too short, not a crewcut “My wife was always convinced she was him up. As I was making my way for the door, or nothing,” I said. gonna’ die young,” said Bud. “Her mother died Bud said, “Hey, what you say, Larry?” Bud started to work away at my hair with a pretty young, well, fifty-two, had a heart attack, “Hey Bud.” buzzer and through the mirror noticed me star- and my wife didn’t think she would make it past “How goes it?” ing up at a framed Army certificate hanging on sixty. And now you oughta’ see her. She’s sev- “It goes. You hear about Frank Jippers?” the wall. enty-eight. Just went to the doctor for her check “Nah.” “That’s from when I was in the Pacific up. Doc ran all the tests on her heart and said “Had a stroke just last week. Got out of the Islands. I was twenty. I remember every single she’s as clean as a whistle. Well, the way I fig- hospital yesterday. All paralyzed on the left part name of the eight other guys in my brigade. ure, it ain’t really up to us. The guy up there,” of his body. He’s in a wheelchair now.” Jimmy, Frank, Leonard, Ray, Joe, Bobby, Dave, Bud pointed his scissors towards the ceiling, “Ah, that’s too bad. So you wahn’ it the Eddie. You know, a lot of them didn’t make it “decides how long we stay or go.” same Larry?” out alive. Lotta’ times I didn’t think I would I don’t put much stock in religion, but the “Yeah, Bud, same as always,” said Frank, either. Leonard was only eighteen. He was just simple way Bud put it seemed to make sense. brushing his hand through what little hair he a kid. Not a day goes by I don’t think about Sitting in the chair in front of me was an had left. those other guys.” old, frail man. I guessed he was probably close I walked out into the New Orleans after- Bud trimmed the hair hanging over my ears, to ninety. He was all bones and his shirt and noon as the buzzer drowned out the voices of every now and then stopping and staring off pants were three sizes too large. He looked like the two old men. I just stood under that crazy into blank space, as if the thought was too much he was about to drown in those clothes. His sun and smiled, thinking, the simple story of for him. I couldn’t even begin to understand eyes were squinted as he tried to read a maga- life, that’s where it’s at. what it must have been like for him to see all zine. For some reason I couldn’t stop staring at –Seth Swaaley OO IITT E TT NNOOMM DDEE PPLLUUMME

I'm not sure if this is common knowledge or not, but the toilet on a tour bus is very high on the list of things you don't want to stick your face in. I am typing these words from hour or so, before we got to our five minutes to collect myself when myself whether or not I should say the famed 9:30 Club in Washington, hotel in Cleveland, I split my time I heard that voice. A voice that I’ve anything to him. Do I tell him how DC. And, although this isn’t the between my swaying bunk and that been hearing bark the angst-ridden much I defend his name when the same building that was at the center god-awful toilet. Times were tough. soundtrack to my adolescence for “Who’s your favorite Black Flag of the famed DC hardcore revolu- After checking into the hotel, I many, many years. I looked up and singer” debate pops up? (Come on. tion of the late ‘70s and early ‘80s, made a beeline to my room and froze as I had one of the very few Really, now. I know that 90% of the the name remains the same and a curled up in bed while everyone star struck moments in my life. Oh world will always name one of the huge part of me wants to believe else made plans to go to the Rock & my god, Henry Rollins is waiting first three singers, but let’s face it – that this is the same place where the Roll Hall of Fame or the Indians for the elevator. (The next day, in Henry was the right man at the right singer of SOA grabbed the mic game. I slept off the hangover for Cleveland, was to be the Rollins time. Sure, Dez had “American before his band ripped into their the next six hours or so. Sometime Band’s first day of the tour.) Waste” and “Clocked In” but he first song and said, “Minor Threat sounded like he had rocks in his has just been banned from the 9:30 throat. Ron “Chavo” Reyes just did- Club. Guess who the fuck is next.” n’t have enough catalog under his Coincidentally, the man who made belt and, besides, the dude pretty that statement almost twenty-five much disappeared after his stint years ago is speaking at Lisner with the Flag. Keith Morris was Auditorium on the George great and laid the groundwork for Washington University campus. It’s everyone else, but Henry was the not the first time we’ve been in the man on Damaged and My War. He same place at the same time. was the one belting out the angst on

TITO In the summer of 2001, I was, those two almost perfect albums quite unfortunately, on the Warped [Well, side one of My War at least. Tour. I was having a terrible time Sometimes I think I’m the only per- (as, hopefully, anyone could under- son around that actually likes side stand) and it seemed that my only two]. Of course. What came after saving grace was the short time that Slip It In is subject to debate but, I was able to spend with my friend hey, I got four words for you: Heather. Damaged and My War.) No. Of I can’t remember what city we course not. Do I tell him how much were in but it must have been in the early evening I woke up and Once I became unfrozen from I love the Henrietta Collins and the Cincinnati or Chicago or Buffalo or felt hungry for the first time that the shock of being in the same room Wifebeating Childhaters album? Pittsburgh because the next day was day. I knew this was a good sign as Mr. Garfield (nay, Rollins), I No. Anyone who brings up old and a day off in Cleveland. I foolishly that my hangover had subsided. My looked around the lobby to see if obscure releases to the person who took advantage of having the next next mission was to eat and hope anyone had noticed me staring at made them can only come off as day off by getting completely oblit- that I could hold down whatever I him. Then I realized that I had to do someone who is reaching to sound erated with Heather. The next put into my stomach. something. I couldn’t let this oppor- like they are cool enough to know morning I woke up in my bunk with I made my way down to the tunity slip by. I didn’t know what I about old and obscure releases. a mean ol’ hangover. And I was in lobby in hopes of finding food. The needed to do but I knew that I had By the time I had decided not to the worst possible place to have a hotel restaurant was my first option to act fast. That elevator door was say anything, the elevator was hangover – the top bunk on a bus. but I wasn’t in the mood for over- going to open soon and Henry was slowing down for its stop on the When the bus wasn’t swaying back priced baked potatoes and clam going to slip through my little fin- sixth floor. As the doors were open- and forth like a boat, I was being chowder out of a can. I walked for gers. So I did the first thing that ing Henry joked about how thrown off of my mattress from the about a block in either direction came to mind. I stood up, walked annoyed he was with the lack of bumpy highway we were on. from the hotel entrance but it toward the three middle aged gen- food options in the area. “I guess It didn’t take too long before all looked like there was nothing in tlemen (he was with two members we’ll order another pizza.” the swaying and shaking and sight. Downtown Cleveland on a of his band) and stood next to them. They got off on the sixth floor jostling got the best of me and it Sunday night just wasn’t providing I was going to ride an elevator with and I continued the ride up to the was very apparent that I was going me with what I needed. Henry Rollins. eighth. When I returned to my room to be sick. I’m not sure if this is I went back inside the hotel The doors opened and the four I decided that I, too, would be common knowledge or not, but the lobby feeling somewhat defeated. of us entered the elevator. I was ordering a pizza. I was still a bit toilet on a tour bus is very high on Did I want to spend money on a cab staying on the fourth floor. Henry numb from the whole experience. the list of things you don’t want to just so I could fetch my dinner? No. pushed the button for the sixth, so I Deep down inside I felt like I was stick your face in. But I had no That wasn’t going to happen. I fig- pushed floor eight. I wasn’t going sharing a pizza with Henry Rollins. choice (okay, looking back, I guess ured that I would just have to bite to cheat myself out of two floors And that’s my story. I could have used a trash bag, but it the bullet and walk however far I with the man. –Tito seemed like the only option at the needed to go in order to find food. I I stared at him the entire ride, [email protected] 26 time). So, for the next sat on a couch in the lobby for about the whole time debating with LLLL EE SWW RRS CCAA IDEE TTHHEE DDOOGG AA MMOONNKKEEYY TTOO RRID AANN SSEE

WE’RE ALL PART OF THIS GODDAMN MONEY MACHINE made it. Still, if you want to shop there, go ahead. I couldn’t stop you if I tried. And I may not understand America’s love affair with big chains, but A few months after my first book came out, I was hanging out at a as long as I don’t have to deal with the big chains, I’m more or less fine Christmas party in my hometown. Cindy, a woman who I’d gone to ele- with the fact that they exist and that most Americans prefer them. But mentary school with, was there. She and I chatted. By “chatted,” I mean there is something about big national chain bookstores – and people like that Cindy hit on me relentlessly and I made excuses as to why I had to Cindy’s refusal to shop anywhere else – that really gets under my skin. walk across the room and away from her. Cindy kept catching back up to I’m not going to try to convince you to stop shopping at a big chain me. I kept trying to explain to her that a.) I really did have a girlfriend and bookstore like Barnes & Noble. Hell, we sell Razorcake there, so it would b.) even if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be interested in hooking up with Cindy. be hypocritical for me to call for a boycott. I’m just going to tell you why Sometime during the night, someone had told her that I’d just published they bug me and give you something to think about. Drinks for the Little Guy. She asked me where she could buy a copy. I told her that a local independent bookstore, House of Books, had a bunch of Shortly after the episode with Cindy played out, Barnes & Noble in copies in stock. I gave her directions to House of Books. Then, I made up Merritt Island did pick up Drinks. They put a couple of copies in the fic- another excuse and walked away. tion section. A few people I know – one of whom was my dad – would go A few nights later, I was at another party and I ran into Cindy again. into the store and put the book on the New Releases table in the front of It was better this time because my girlfriend was with me and she gave the store. Within a day or an hour, though, the books would go right back Cindy enough dirty looks to keep the conversation short. During the short onto the shelf in the fiction section. I remember talking to my dad about conversation, Cindy told me that she’d gone to Barnes & Noble to look for it and he said, “I don’t understand why they don’t just leave it on that my book, but they didn’t carry it. She said, “The guy there told me that table. You’re a local author. They’d sell a bunch of copies of your book.” they would carry it if you just brought them some.” But I do understand why they always removed it from the New I told Cindy again that House of Books had a bunch of copies. Cindy Releases table. It’s because it costs literally thousands of dollars to get a told me that she couldn’t find the House of Books. book on that table in the front of a Barnes & Noble store. I looked into it. Now, for those of you who have never been to my hometown, Merritt For me (as the publisher) to get my book on the front table of a Barnes & Island, I’ll explain something. It’s an island off the coast of Florida. It’s Noble store, it would cost me about four thousand dollars. That would get three miles wide at its widest and it’s forty miles long. State Road 3 runs my book one week on the front tables of the 275 largest Barnes & Noble right through the middle of the island for most of the forty miles. The stores in the US. (They currently have over six hundred stores in the US.) party where we both were on the first night was in a house along State Understand, though, that prices vary depending on the publisher and the Road 3; the party where we both were on the second night was in a house distributor, and the four thousand dollar price that I got was a ballpark fig- along State Road 3. The driveway of Cindy’s house butted up to State ure quoted to me by a distributor. And he quoted me that price over three Road 3. House of Books was on State Road 3. Basically, for her to get years ago. from her house to the bookstore, she had to drive to the end of her drive- Now let me clear up something real quickly. I wouldn’t pay any way, take a right, drive straight for a while, and, when she saw the huge amount of money to put my book on the front table of any store. My beef sign that said, “House of Books,” turn there. There were always plenty of isn’t with the four thousand dollars, because I wouldn’t pay four dollars available parking spaces. It couldn’t have been easier. She wouldn’t even for it. My beef is with the paying for placement. I think that the books on need to change lanes – just take a right, drive a while, and take a right. I’d display should be the ones that the people who work in the bookstore like. even given her directions. That way, the folks who work there have a reason to read. They end up Barnes & Noble, on the other hand, was in a very congested strip mall, knowing more about books, and their recommendations can be conversa- and this was Christmas time. I should add, too, that the very congested tion starters. Also, if the employees choose which books to display, each strip mall was several turns away from Cindy’s house. Still, I figured that store has its own personality. People who shop there can get introduced to I could give Cindy the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she’d been in the strip new and exciting writers and to cool people who also love to read. But big mall anyway – going to the Hooters or something – and just ducked into chain bookstores, and Barnes & Noble in particular, don’t work that way. the Barnes & Noble to see if they had my book. I asked her this. She told Basically, the whole bookstore is more or less for rent. If you want me, no, that she’d gone there specifically to look for my book. I scratched your book displayed with the cover facing out, there’s a price for that. If my head. you want to be mentioned in the little publications that Barnes & Noble It’s an example of something that I spend a lot of time wondering puts out, the little free booklets that recommend new authors and titles, about, which is this: why are Americans so fascinated with big chain you have to pay for that. And it’s the same with magazines. We have a dis- stores? It’s like when I’m walking to the Razorcake PO box and I see peo- tributor that sells Razorcake to Barnes & Noble, and that distributor gave ple eating at Taco Bell, even though a rad burrito joint, La Estrella, is me a price list for the various places in the store. Prices vary from $12,000 directly across the street. La Estrella is cheaper than Taco Bell, and the a month to have your magazine displayed by the cash register to $3,500 to food they serve is healthier. And La Estrella serves real Mexican food have the magazine featured in the rack at the end of an aisle with the full

SEAN CARSWELL SEAN made by people who were most likely born in Mexico, as opposed to Taco cover showing. There are rates to place the magazine in a rack with simi- Bell, which serves fake Mexican food developed in a laboratory some- lar magazines, near the cash register. There’s a rate to have it in a free- where in the US. I don’t understand it. Wal-Mart is another big mystery to standing “magazine stepladder” near the front of the store. There’s a price me, too. I mean, I understand that, occasionally, there’s some stuff that for a “Front Shelf Feature” and a “Power Column” and a “Magazine/Book you need and you just can’t get anywhere but Wal-Mart. But I don’t under- Cross Promotion.” All of the prices are thousands of dollars for a couple stand why some people actually enjoy doing their shopping in what of weeks or a month, and the displays are in all six-hundred-plus Barnes amounts to a warehouse, and they like buying crap that’ll break in a week. & Noble stores. Sometimes, your distributor can work out a deal where It boggles my mind. you only have to pay a few hundred dollars to have your full cover dis- But really, when I think about it, I don’t care if people eat at Taco Bell. played in a magazine rack for a couple of weeks or a month, depending on I’ve eaten there. It sucks. I hope I never get stuck eating there again, but who your distributor is and how many stores you want to display your you’re welcome to eat there all you want. And as for Wal-Mart, I know magazine in. that they are huge union breakers and get most of their stuff from sweat- The only place where Barnes & Noble doesn’t charge you to have shops, and the quality of the stuff that they sell reflects the slave labor that your book in their stores is if your book is on the shelves with only the spine visible. The only place where they don’t charge you for your maga- $2.35 million dollars to the group to settle the case. Now, I don’t know zines is if it’s in the magazine rack with only the top of the magazine vis- what these private business practices were, and I don’t want to get into all ible. And, remember, they still get forty percent of the cover price of every the particulars of the case here. I do know that independent bookstores book they sell, and about that percentage for every magazine they sell. have been steadily losing money over the past decade, while Barnes & That’s a lot of money. That’s part of the reason why they’re the biggest Noble has gotten huge and has had to be stopped from making some other bookseller in the US, and that’s part of the reason why they bug me. very illegal moves towards gaining a monopoly – like trying to buy the I don’t mean to pick on only Barnes & Noble here. Most of the chain largest book and magazine distributor in the US, Ingram Book Group. I bookstores do it. They’re smaller chains, though, and have to charge less. also know that Amazon.com runs Borders’s online bookstore, though I For example, you can pay two grand a month for placement near the cash don’t know what that means about a partnership between the two compa- register at B. Dalton; or $2,300 to get near the cash register at Hastings nies. It’s all pretty vague and secretive, but any time you have something (unless it’s Christmas time, when it’s $3,450); or seven grand at Borders; that has this many earmarks of a monopoly – especially if it relates to or between five and eight grand at Waldenbooks (depending on whether books – you should be a little bit worried. The way they act is a good way to run a business. It’s just a bad way to run a society. you want to be on the top, middle, or More and more – as TV, radio, and bottom pocket; it gets gradually less newspapers are all merging into a few expensive as you go down). All of large conglomerations in the US – inde- these chains have placement deals for pendently published books are becoming your books, too. the most reliable source of information about politics and social issues. So, when There are other problems with the two big chain bookstores are running all chain bookstores beyond this. For of the independent bookstores out of instance, they do all of their ordering town, and the chain bookstores tend to through a regional buyer who bases his ignore independent publishers, there’s orders largely on factors like the adver- cause for concern. As long as indepen- tising budget of various titles. So if you dent bookstores like Powell’s in Portland want your local Barnes & Noble to and Quimby’s in Chicago and 33 1/3 in carry a specific book by an indepen- LA exist, independent publishers do have dent press that doesn’t spend a lot of hope. And there are enough good inde- money on advertising, you have to con- pendent bookstores in major US cities to vince the manager of your local store to keep small publishers alive. The real convince the buyer who orders for your problem lies outside the borders of major local store to carry the book. Chances US cities. It lies in places like Merritt are, they’ll order a single copy for you, Island, where, if you drive down State but the store will rarely carry multiple Road 3, you won’t find House of Books copies, no matter how convincing you anymore, because Barnes & Noble (and are. And I can tell you this from my people like Cindy, who won’t shop any- own personal experiences dealing with where else) ran them out of business. Barnes & Noble: when the employee at the Merritt Island Barnes & Noble told But I don’t want to focus on these Cindy that they’d carry my book if I points too much. Like I said, I’m not call- just brought in some copies, he was ing for a boycott of Barnes & Noble or lying. chain bookstores or anything like that. Regardless, since all the ordering is Objectively speaking, Barnes & Noble done through a regional manager, all isn’t really that bad. They have encour- the Barnes & Nobles in your area have aged a lot more people to read. They do essentially the same books. If you’re carry a lot of books. And even if most of looking for a book and your local store doesn’t have it, it usually doesn’t those books are empty, pulp novels or self-help drivel or books on how the do you any good to go to the Barnes & Noble in the next town over political left has ruined America, there are enough books in stock so that because the same person did the ordering for both stores. Compare this to, you can still find something good to read. Fifteen years ago, it was really

say, 33 1/3 Bookstore in Los Angeles, where Frank, the owner, does his hard to find Jim Thompson novels anywhere. Now I can walk into any SEAN CARSWELL own ordering. First off, he will carry multiple copies of a book if you ask Barnes & Noble and pick one up. They carry all my favorite old crime him to (and if he likes the book). Not only that, but if you go into his store novelists: Raymond Chandler, Dashiell Hammett, and even the two good often enough, he’ll know what you like because he’ll know you personal- novels that Elmore Leonard wrote. I got my copy of A People’s History of ly. He may think about you when he orders other books. The next time the United States at a Barnes & Noble. They stock all the classics. All of you go into the store, Frank probably will say to you, “You’ve got to my favorite Beat writers, from Kerouac to Gary Snyder to Gregory Corso, check this out.” And he’ll base his recommendation on what he knows are on the shelves of just about any Barnes & Noble. I can say the same about you personally instead of basing it on what book has the highest thing about the second largest bookstore chain, Borders. So they’re not advertising budget. without their good points. Waldenbooks and Books-A-Million are probably worse, just because Another problem with these chain bookstores is that Barnes & Noble their selection focuses so strongly on mass market paperbacks and books and Borders combined have a near monopoly on the bookselling industry that are completely devoid of any kind of complex thought. But that’s my in the United States. Barnes & Noble also owns B. Dalton, Doubleday, personal bias. and Scribners. Borders is owned by the Borders Group, which also owns My point, though, is that chain bookstores aren’t completely evil. Waldenbooks (incidentally, the Borders Group is owned by K Mart). In Really, they’re not evil at all. They’re just greedy. Some of their practices 1998, a group of independent bookstores sued Borders and Barnes & are illegal, sure, but if the point of a corporation is to make as much Noble for violating anti-trust laws. The independent bookstores claimed money as possible, they are sticking to the point. I’ll concede that. The that the majors were using their size and power to hold secret meetings way they act is a good way to run a business. It’s just a bad way to run a with publishers that would allow the big chain bookstores to get special society. That’s what I want you to think about the next time you have a deals not available to independents and thereby run independents out of choice between buying a book or magazine at an independent store or business. (This practice is illegal according to the Robinson-Patman Act buying one at a big chain store. Because the greed of the big chains of 1936.) Exactly what those deals were never came to light because, in takes us forever closer to having a culture that’s sold to us instead of 2000, Borders and Barnes & Noble settled out of court rather than allow- having a culture that we create ourselves. And that is evil. ing their private business practices to become public. They each paid –Sean Carswell 29 DYY DDD AA HEENN IIDDLLEE MM SSHHIIFFTTLLEESSSS WWH

I am really making fun of myself. What else is new?

Attention everyone! Since my computer was stolen over Christmas break (Attention to thief: you owe me $1,600.), I must change course! This time around, it’s an all-stupid-drawings column, poking some fun at my favorite topic – punks! Take no offense, you silly hardcore boy or girl. As a cross between the intellectual punk, the pop punk and the hobo punk, I am really making fun of myself. What else is new? Anyway, collect all five punk rock trading cards… uh, right now! –Maddy P.S. If you’re gonna write to me, email first: [email protected]. My address will have changed by the time you read this. I’m moving back to the Midwest in three days. Punk!

38

Chrystaei Branchaw ’s Photo Page

I tried to get one of him sitting on my face, but he stole my glasses!

Insane show!

New Bomb Turks "one-time-only special reunion show," January 23, 2004 at Dante's in Portland, OR. fast-driving American. Just as we were building that houses the club and loaded in. about to get on the bus, Massa told us There wasn’t really much to load in, though, that the bus ride would be sixteen because at Japanese punk shows everybody hours! Holy shit! I looked on with shares the same equipment. After a really dread as the bus pulled up, actually long soundcheck, we walked around the cor- looking SMALLER than a ner to a record store. It was tiny and Greyhound. Fuck. Sixteen hours. cramped and dirty, just like an American I climbed onto the bus to dis- punk record store. Then we checked out this cover a paradise. Instead of the gigantic four-story comic book store. Fuck greyhound-style two rows of yes! Japan rules! After eating some inari two seats, there were three (bean curd and rice wrapped in seaweed. separate rows of one seat The literal translation is testicles) we headed J.CHURCH each, with a little walkway back to the club. The show was pretty good; between each row. I sat down there were four bands. The short-fast-loud- in my seat; it was like a little core band Arelights was first, followed by JAPAN TOUR cockpit. There was a blan- the Clash-y Practice, and Pear of the West. ket, pillow, sleep mask, ear After the show we hung out back at Tosh’s plugs, and headphones, all place and ate noodles and drank the tiniest waiting for me. The seat had little six-pack of Asahi beer I’d ever seen, 2003 a radio built into the arm. prompting me to make the world’s smallest There was even a little pair beeramyd. It looked like this tour was gonna BY BEN SNAKEPIT of slippers to wear to the be fun. bathroom. Wow. The seat reclined all the way back, so DAY TWO I could lie down and stretch We woke up pretty early to make the all the way out. The bathroom long drive to Matsuyama. We took two sep- was downstairs, right next to arate vans and the drive was really pretty the free coffee and tea. As I and scenic through the Japanese countryside. fell asleep, the attendant came We arrived at the tiny, but extremely hip, and pulled curtains around each Jett Rockbar where we did a quick sound- individual seat. I slept like a check before heading out to the shopping baby. arcade. Every city we went to had one; it We arrived the next morning in was a big semi-outdoor mall that stretched Fukuoka, met at the bus station by on for eight or nine city blocks. It was pretty Yoichi Eimori of Snuffy Smile crazy: cars could drive through it and lots of

M people sped by on bikes. The mall was

INORITY stocked with huge video game arcades, toy and record stores, and 100 yen stores (sort of like those “Everything’s $1” stores we have in America). We headed back to the club just in time to catch the first band, Drift B

LUES Age. Up next were the Minority Blues Band. They would be doing the rest of the tour with us, and are old friends of J Church (the

B previous lineup of J Church had done a split N IN AND 7” with them). They played an extremely tight set of Snuff/Leatherface style punk. Practice also played. After the show we headed to the grocery store to get some food N (I was slowly starting to realize that I wasn’t AGOYA going to dig Japanese food very much) and a short drive to Yumi’s house, where we passed out pretty quickly, worn out from the long day of driving and rocking out.

DAY THREE DAY ONE Records. He was the tour’s promoter and We woke up early again and hopped in After a pretty brutal, thirteen-hour flight, manager. He took us to Tosh’s house (bass the van to drive to Tokushima. We had to we arrived Narita Airport in Tokyo, and player for Practice) to shower up and eat. take a ferry to get there, and arrived at a immediately jumped onto a train. We rode The shower was crazy; it was a whole little sleepy little fishing village an hour before the train for about an hour across Tokyo, room with a tiny bathtub in it, with this the ferry was to depart. After another weird where we met up with Massa (guitarist for space age digital faucet where you type in meal at the Japanese equivalent of a the Urchin) and Kaori (guitarist for the the temperature you want the water to be. Denny’s, we drove onto the ferry. The ride Happening). They gave us our bus tickets to Again, thinking like an American, I forgot would be about an hour, and the boat had Fukuoka, way on the other side of the coun- that Japan uses Centigrade instead of lots of cool places to hang out and peep the try. I looked at my little map of Japan and it Fahrenheit and burned myself. Doh! Pretty beautiful scenery of the mountains and the looked like the distance was about 300 miles soon it was time to head over to the club for sea. On the ferry, I finally came face to face or so, so I figured it would be a five or six soundcheck. This tour was run on a pretty with a traditional Japanese toilet – basically hour bus ride. I had no idea that Japan does- tight schedule. Japanese efficiency. We a hole in the floor with a rail to hold onto as n’t really have a lot of big highways. I was pulled up to the fantastic, crazy-looking you squat down over the hole and poop. 80 just thinking like a big, dumb, Ummm, no thanks. The ferry pulled in and we drove a bit more before finally reaching Tokushima, a little city tucked into the mountains. It sort of reminded me of Roanoke, Virginia. We loaded into the cool little club called Tokushima Jitterbug. After a quick soundcheck of the club’s incredible sound system (what’s the deal? All the clubs in Japan have these incredible PAs, with kickass sound engineers), we headed out for a little shopping and wrestling with more alien food. David and Chris are both vegan, so they had an extra hard time finding stuff to eat. Back at the club we saw Hushpuppy, Hamk, Practice, and Minority Blues Band. Hanging out in the backstage room, Tosh and I drank some beers together and talked in very basic English about our favorite bands. “I love J Church!” he said as he played the bassline to one of our songs. Shit, he knew it better than me. That night, when we played that song, I handed the bass to Tosh and let him rock out on it. We had a great time and the show was a huge success. After the show, we drove to the crash pad where we drank sake and listened to badass Japanese grindcore bands. We drank and partied long into the night, and I passed out on the floor with a bunch of cool Japanese punk rockers.

DAY FOUR Up and at ‘em! We hit the road early for Kyoto, hangovers slowly fading. The twisty, windy mountain roads didn’t help my stomach much as I struggled to keep down some weird deep fried HURCH IN OKYO mashed potatoes and rice wrapped in seaweed. We made it to J. C T Kyoto pretty early so we could check out the incredible Buddhist temple perched on top of a snowy mountain with a breathtaking view of the city. The temple was one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen. Kyoto, as a whole, is an older city, with more tra- ditional Japanese architecture and less western influence. We drove up to the club, a little bar called East, tucked into the base- ment of the “Hotel Sexus,” which is exactly what you think it is. The show was great, with a fun little mosh pit and everything. As I watched the extremely badass I Excuse, Practice, and Minority Blues Band, I chatted it up with my friend Bianca, an East Bay transplant who speaks fluent English and Japanese. She explained a few Japanese customs to me (for instance, Christmas in Japan is more like Valentine’s day; you eat a cake with your boyfriend/girl- friend) and translated the captions for that day’s Snakepit comic into Japanese for me. After the show and a tearful farewell to our new friends in Practice, who had to drive back to Fukuoka (30,000 yen in tolls, that’s roughly three hundred dollars!), we grabbed some food and headed to I Excuse’s house to sleep. It was really cold, and for some reason most Japanese houses don’t have central heat. Bianca said they do it to stay tough. That’s weird. A house THE URCHIN IN TOKYO with a heated electronic toilet seat and a space age kitchen doesn’t have heat. We shivered ourselves to sleep.

DAY FIVE As we began our relatively short drive to Nagoya, it was already snowing. By the time we reached the city, it was coming down in flurries and everything was covered in a few inches of snow. Having lived in Texas the past few years, I’d forgotten what snow was like, how pretty it was, and also how much it sucked to drive in. The traffic was at a dead standstill for a while, but we made it to Nagoya safe and sound. We headed to a really awesome little record store called Answer. It was very well stocked with lots of collectable punk records – at pretty fair prices – from all over the world. I scored an S.O.B. record for 2000 yen. The record store was a part of a cool little record store mall in the basement of a parking deck. There was a more trendy pop style store, the hard- core paradise, Answer, and a small reggae dub store. We all found cool records and headed over to he show. The club, KD Japon, was a teeny, tiny, little place built underneath an elevated train track. As we rocked out to the sweet sounds of I Excuse, Minority Blues Band, and Navel, the tiny club got more and more packed. By the time we played it was almost impossible to move, until a cool, old J. CHURH BACKSTAGE IN TOKYO guy started drunkenly half slam-dancing, half falling down drunk, rocking out. He fell on the PA head and broke it. He fell on David’s guitar and unplugged it. He was a DAY SEVEN we went to a restaurant to treat our gracious whirlwind of old, drunk, party-hard mother- We got up really early for a long, tour hosts, Yoichi, Spalding, Yumi, and fucker. It was fun. The show ended fairly cramped ride to Sendai. By now we’d Georgie to a nice dinner complete with a early. (All the punk shows in Japan are like become pretty close friends with the couple of bottles of wine. With a toast of that. They start around 7:00 P.M. and are Minority Blues Band, having spent so many “Kampai!” (Japanese for “Cheers!”) we over usually by 10:00 P.M., another advan- hours in such a small space together. We resolved to try to tour together again soon, tage of all bands using the same equipment.) hung out and talked in broken English about wherever in the world it might be. After din- So we decided to drive overnight to Tokyo music and movies and our jobs and our ner we moseyed over to the club, 24 West, to avoid the snow and to take advantage of lives. We tried to encourage them to come to for soundcheck. The vibe in the air was real- the tolls being free after midnight. We all the US so we can tour with them and hang ly great; it was the last night of tour and crammed into one tiny van and drove six out some more. As we pulled into town, we everyone was looking forward to celebrat-

EVERYONE PARTYING IN TOKUSHIMA

BEN AND SPALDING OF THE MINORITY BLUES BAND hours into the cold night, and finally pulled stopped at a little restaurant for some udon ing. After a very relaxed soundcheck, we into a friend’s house in Yokohama (just out- noodles. I was starting to get more used to headed out for a little last-minute record side of Tokyo). We arrived to the bizarre the food, but it was still pretty weird. One of shopping before the show. On the way back scene of six or seven Japanese punk rockers the coolest things about Japan is the weird- I met the sole homeless person saw in Japan. hanging out, drinking and partying at six in ass names they come up with for food. I gave him a hundred yen and we made it the morning, rocking out to The Village Chocolate candy called “asse,” a sports back just in time to catch Raisemind, Three People. For real. Confused, I fell into a deep drink called “pocari sweat,” a juicy drink Minute Movie, Zerofast, and Minority Blues sleep. called “fruits party.” We enjoyed our noo- Band. The show was a triumphant end to a dles and headed over to the club, Birdland. It fantastic tour, and the crowd reacted accord- DAY SIX had obviously been a mainstay of punk rock ingly. The show, and the tour, was a total We slept in really late and took our in Sendai for many years, as I saw stickers success! As soon as the last band finished, it sweet time to nearby Tokyo, where we and graffiti from lots of American punk was time to party! The club cleared off the loaded into the club, Red Cloth, and did a bands, like Dillinger Four, Sean Na Na, the stage and set up some tables on the dance quick soundcheck. We met back up with Exploder, and Braid, to name a few. It was a floor. We sat down and they brought a little Kaori, who made some yummy pasta and cool little club that reminded me of the now- keg of beer to each table, with a little stand garlic bread for everyone. After the meal we defunct Burnt Ramen in Richmond, to hold it on and a spout built into the side. checked out the incredible city of Tokyo. It California. The graffiti there was awesome, We drank and drank. Meanwhile, they was amazing, like it was right out of Blade my favorite slogan being, “Make mention of brought us all kinds of food. It was great. Runner. Giant TV screens ten stories high, vegan.” After a quick soundcheck, we ran We hung out and took pictures and had a street vendors, cool shops, and more people across the street to the shopping arcade, really great time celebrating the end of a than I’ve ever seen in one place in my life. where we bought some souvenirs and great tour. We said goodbye to our new New York, San Francisco, Chicago… these Christmas gifts for our friends back home. friends in Minority Blues Band and headed places have nothing on Tokyo in terms of In the shopping arcade we saw a “No War in home to Yoichi’s to pass out. sheer urban-ness. It was truly, truly awe- Iraq” demonstration march by, escorted by some. We checked out an incredibly huge the police. It got me thinking: I hadn’t seen DAY NINE record store, one of a chain called Disk more than two cops the whole time I’d been Our adventure was over and it was final- Union. It had genres arranged by floors, like in Japan, and neither of them had guns. And ly time to head back home. After one last a floor of punk and a floor of heavy metal. I strangely, I felt much safer than I would quick visit to the awesomest toy store I’ve scored some old Balzac records. They told have felt in America. I guess that’s what it’s ever been to, we jumped on a train for the me that Japanese punks don’t really like like when you don’t live in a police state airport. The journey home was pretty Balzac, and it’s mostly younger kids who with a terror alert of orange. America is stu- uneventful, with the exception of David are into them. I guess they’re like the AFI of pid. Back at the show we watched Starter, throwing up in line for customs, after eating Japan. I still can’t help but love their shame- Deeds Not Words, and Minority Blues what was apparently not a vegan airline less Misfits worship. We headed back to the Band. The crowd was crazy that night, with meal. He had to hold the puke in his mouth club just in time to catch the Happening, the a raging pit and some stagedivers. A kid until one of us noticed and handed him a bag Urchin, and Minority Blues Band. The club knocked the microphone into Lance’s face to spit it into. A few hours later, we were was really cool, and the tightly packed and chipped his tooth. Fucking punk rock! back in the land of fat people, SUVs, and crowd went totally crazy. We hung out for a After the show we drove out to the crash pad Toby Keith. It was the coolest trip I’ve ever bit after the show. While Lance did a and watched a Who video as we fell asleep. been on. Thanks a million to all the great fanzine interview, the rest of us took off for people I met in Japan, especially the kids in Yoichi’s house, where we had some tofu and DAY EIGHT Minority Blues Band and Yoichi rice and drifted off to sleep. The drive back down to Yokohama flew from Snuffy Smile. by, thanks to finally having some good luck with traffic, and once we pulled into town 80 One uninitiated virgin might wonder swallow; more unapologetic and dis- Now I am. I live with all boys. [Eight, to be exactly how a classy group like Texas turbed, yet well-versed and disciplined by exact.] I feel like the scout mother. Mafia found themselves in a scene full of their own weird will. You could even call Kat: What were your goals when you start- rowdy, depraved juiceheads and hopeless them straight-jacket neo-classical and not ed this band, and have they changed at all harlots who frequent collapsing clubs and feel lame about it. Some bands inspire since then? the dark recesses of our own deflated non-stop ass-shaking. Texas Mafia on the Todd: (laughs) Were there goals? egos. But take a closer look/listen and other hand, simply hypnotize and erect Danny: I don’t think about the future. you’ll understand that debauchery can goose bumps. Especially when violinista Angelique: Julie and I started this band take an especially comfortable residence in Julie Carpenter growls, “Wish I never laid because we wanted to do our own thing. We a more elegant brand of decadence. Picture eyes on you.…” Sophisticated as a funer- both play in other bands [Todd and yourself in a tuxedo or evening gown al, but luckily for us, also accessible as Angelique with The Hangmen and Julie looking completely desirable yet alone and sneakers. with WACO]. But I think the sound of the stone-faced, while your only company is band has kind of changed. the very thought that compels you to stare Kat: What would you do with a last-minute Gabe: How so? for hours; hypnotized into a martini you day off from work and a $100 dollar bill? Angelique: In the beginning I think we were just paid a small fortune for, because Julie: I think I’d go to this Korean spa I more focused on Danny Elfman and Nick tomorrow you might be dead; slowly found about where you can get a helluva Cave, and it’s kind of spread out a little bit. becoming the same thought that possesses massage for a hundred bucks. More interests. you to smash it against the wall. No one Danny: I don’t do anything, really. I’m Kat: (to Julie) How long have you been can figure out if your hysterics are laughter unemployed, so I’d probably pay my rent on playing violin? or weeping as they drag you out by your time for once. Julie: I started when I was seven, and for a ankles. Todd: I’d probably go buy DVDs. long while it was the only thing I did. Texas Mafia are the wailing sound- Angelique: My judgment on that right now Learning to play guitar and sing – this is the track to such a moment; pitting themes of would be really distorted since I just moved first band I’ve ever done that. violence and heartache against the most and I’m in, like, bathroom furniture mode. I Angelique: It started off where she was just beautiful and intense (and yes, very sad) was also thinking that I really need a bass playing violin. We don’t have that now. soundscapes. But you couldn’t call them cabinet. Julie: It’s more fun because it’s hard for me. goth, even though they’re evocative of its Todd: Let me take that back. I really need Violin is somewhat not fun anymore glory days – ringing influences of Crime cymbals. because it’s not a challenge – it just falls out and The City Solution, Virgin Prunes, and Angelique: But now that I’ve moved I can’t of you. (Laughing) I like the stress and the maybe The Dirty Three. really… trauma. One must realize that they’re coming Todd: …and sticks… Kat: You like falling apart before each from a place no contemporary, Hot Kat: Did you used to live in this house, too? show… Topic/Marilyn Manson devotee could read- Angelique: Yeah, yeah. This was my house. Todd: At every show. ily recognize. It’s a place more hard to Julie: She (Angelique) was the den mother. Julie: Yeah, yeah! It’s what I do best.

Interview by Kat Jetson and Gabriel Hart Intro by Gabriel Hart Danny: keys Julie: vocals, violin, guitar Todd: drums Angelique: vocals, bass, Kat: So you find guitar harder than violin? Kat: Do you think being an LA band influ- Angelique: Well, the first words are Julie: No, I think just because I started ences your music in any way? “Eating an ice cream sandwich.” (playing guitar) later. Anything you learn as Danny: I don’t think LA has a sound, so I Kat: Your CD opens with a song called a kid is easier. And it’s a totally different can’t really say. It’s kind of like a mish- “The Assassin,” which is an instrumental. tuning. It’s not like it transfers instantly. mash of crap. I’m wondering, do you go into it knowing Kat: Is this band the same line-up as Dick Gabe: Or maybe influences the lyrics or that you want to want an instrumental, or do Army? You were called Dick Army before, something? you realize that maybe there are no lyrics right? Julie: Not at all. I think in Denton, Texas, that can do that song justice? Julie: That was almost us. This guy named where me and Angelique came from, there is Julie: I wasn’t and generally I don’t really Dustin played guitar and upright bass, but a really unique musical scene. There were so think anything when I start writing a song. he had too many other musical commit- many original and interesting bands where It just comes out the way it wants to be. ments that paid. nothing was exactly the same, but it all had There’s a certain way it is. That, or I just Gabe: Why the name change? something in common. can’t think of any lyrics. Julie: Actually, we got into legal troubles Angelique: It was small, so there was defi- Kat: I love it when you can say something with another band with the same name. nitely more of a concentrated… I mean, without any words. So how did you come They had it longer than us, so we said fine. there’s just so much out here. up with a name for it then? Gabe: Texas Mafia’s much better. Julie: Everybody knew each other, every- Julie: Actually, my friend Jason, who Kat: You weren’t all heartbroken? No sen- body played in each other’s band.… It was a aspires to be a director, was talking about timental ties? very incestuous scene. And it was a friendly what the video should look like. His idea Julie: Nah. And it coincided with losing the scene. There was competition, but it was was an assassin and this very slow, sorta guitar player, so it was kind of appropriate friendly competition. Whereas here I get the film noir chase through some abandoned to change the name. The band kind of feeling, with the exception of a few bands, building. And at the end there’s these three changed, anyhow. that there’s just a lot of… shitty-ness and really hard drum hits and you shoot him. Gabe: You both [Todd and Angelique] are competitiveness. It’s unnecessary. And I Gabe: That’s awesome! in The Hangmen. Are there any ill feelings? think we would all be better if everyone Angelique: There’s this other instrumental Like, do you spend more time on one side? were more supportive of each other instead that we play where people say they imagine Todd: Ah, no. Everyone’s been really cool of trying to beat the hell out of each other. this or that, so it’s kind of like you’re not about it. Gabe: Have you personally had any particu- putting words to something and people can Gabe: (to Julie) You play with a lot of other lar experiences that you’re willing to conjure up their own things. people, too. divulge? Kat: Have you seen anyone wearing a Julie: Yeah, and actually I played on the Todd: I can’t really be too objective of that Texas Mafia t-shirt? new Hangmen record. It’s pretty friendly. because I’m from here. It’s always been that Angelique: I went to a stoner rock show – Angelique: Danny has his band, too. way so I don’t know the difference. Nebula – and there was a stoner guy wear- Kat: (to Julie) And you toured with Love Danny: You kind of end up being oblivious ing a Texas Mafia shirt. recently. to the transplant drama. But I think people Todd: We cater to all. Julie: It was such a good experience and come to LA looking for this sense of glam- Julie: Yeah, for some reason guys with it’s lead to paying gigs that finance what I our and when they don’t find it they just turn really long hair seem to like us. want to do. It’s amazing! And it’s amazing bitter. Danny: Remember that one guy at The to watch a performer like him from behind Angelique: Overall I don’t think it affects Scene who wouldn’t stop talking about and watch what goes into making some- us because we’re not trying to… Like NME Quiet Riot and stuff? thing like that. It’s epic to watch. said, “This is, and will always remain, Julie: We get really weird fans whenever Kat: How did you get that gig? underground.” we play The Scene. Julie: Jennifer who books at Spaceland is in Julie: We take that as a compliment. Kat: I saw the lead singer from Quiet Riot WACO with me and she knows the guitar Kat: Do you have any online addictions? coming out of a Ralph’s in Van Nuys and player in Love right now. They told me they Todd: Gretsch. I like to look at the jazz kits. he had really bad hair extensions. were looking for string players and that I 18” bass drums with no extra holes. Classic, Todd: Are there any really good hair exten- should call. He (Arthur Lee) called and said, vintage Gretsch. sions? “You’re in WACO; you must be great.” Kat: Drummers love their drums. They love Danny: You know, some people can do it Kat: That’s so random. being the drummer, and are so passionate well. Julie: Very random. I was so excited when about it. Kat: Well, not him because he had no hair I called, but I totally didn’t think they were Todd: There’s a weird Zen about doing it. in the ‘80s. going to… they didn’t even audition me. Danny: They’re actually the ones working. Gabe: They were probably plugs. They just said okay. They’re up there sweating. Julie: Like the Barbie plugs. Kat: Have you ever toured outside the Todd: I don’t know what it is. It’s like that Kat: Totally random Teen Beat question… country? space between zero and one. You constantly Have you ever belonged to a fan club or Julie: I haven’t, but Angelique and Todd have a chance to make it more exact the next anything like that? have with The Hangmen. time. It’s just an amazing thing. Todd: We all shake our heads no. Kat: Do you find that audience is totally Angelique: [laughing] I don’t even know Julie: I have people I admire, but I’m not different? Not so much different from LA, how to get on the internet. one of those people who knows a lot about but from an American audience? Julie: I don’t like to look at stuff I can’t their favorite bands or whatever. I’d rather Todd: I think they’re more enthusiastic. afford. It just makes me feel bad. not know anything about them and keep the They love the rock and roll. But I’m speak- Gabe: The song that’s always fascinated music separate because sometimes you find ing more from a Hangmen point of view. me, it’s this really dark song of yours called out people are dicks or sometimes you This band hasn’t been outside of the coun- “Ice Cream Sandwich.” What’s that song know too much. try. But yeah, Germany, Spain… they really about, if you care to go into it. Todd: Celebrity kills art. It really does. got out of hand. Angelique: It starts off where I’m sitting at Julie: I’d rather take things at face value. Kat: Yes, and Germans love David a Laundromat watching a kid and then it Danny: I was obsessed with The Smiths for Hasselhoff. kind of goes into suicide and love and all a long time. I wasn’t in the fan club but I Todd: Another question for the ages. that. contributed to the fanzine. Angelique: They know so much, too. Todd: Short. But sweet. About music and stuff. Kat: And it’s such a happy name for a song. 39 Gabe: Did you ever go to any of the fortune? Kat: That’s sad that all of your passion and Morrissey conventions or anything? Julie: [laughing] We don’t get approached creativity could be summed up on a Post-It. Todd: He has conventions?! Right next to by anybody. They run the hell away from Danny: You don’t even get a complete sen- Star Trek? instrumentals. tence. Kat: Oh yeah! There’s even a tribute band Angelique: There was that one guy who Kat: Do you find that you perform better called Sweet and Tender Hooligans. was like, “I want you to write a song for a with a couple of drinks before a show or Danny: It’s one thing to be a cover band, horror movie. Big budget. Fox. Television. none at all? but then they try to do their own songs try- Horror movie.” Angelique: We think we do. I haven’t done ing to sound like them. Julie: I work as kind of a gopher at a record completely drunk, though. Angelique: I was in a Pixies cover band. label so I see from the inside the way every- Julie: Me and Ange have a ritual. We Kat: What was the name? thing works. I’d be perfectly happy to get a always do a tequila shot and a Corona. Angelique: A Superhero Named Tony. We good independent label who’d be willing to Angelique: Maybe we should try whiskey. did it last minute because we always talked let us put out what we wanted and not have Julie: Good for the voice… about doing one. someone tell me that I need to get a haircut Kat: New ritual, maybe? Kat: That’s a really good name for it. or lose some weight. I don’t want to fucking Julie: But if you go changing the ritual, Angelique: It was our drummer’s idea. We hear it. everything will change. wanted to call it Erotic Vulture. Angelique: Friends of mine were at the Gabe: Are there any themes that keep Gabe: The Pixies are playing in April, Bigfoot Lodge and someone was asking showing up in your songs? aren’t they? them what bands he should book and they Danny: Murder. Angelique: I heard they were going to go Angelique: It’s a mixture of love and sui- on tour with Love and Rockets. cide. Kat: I heard it was opening for Red Hot Gabe: Is playing music for you all a cathar- Chili Peppers, unfortunately. tic experience, or is it very cut and dry?

Todd: Oh no, it couldn’t be like that! Angelique: It’s cathartic, but the thing is Everyone in unison: Ewww! that I don’t realize it until I play. I don’t Danny: Scary. think of it that way, but then I realize it is Gabe: When I was twelve, I had tickets to that way. go see the Cure, the Pixies, and Love and said Texas Mafia, and the guy said, Todd: You can always kind of tell who’s Rockets, all playing one show, and fuckin’ “They’re not a big enough band.” And then dedicated to craft and who isn’t. It’s just a no one would give me a ride. someone else said, “Yeah, they don’t pro- matter of fine-tuning the way you do it. All: Awww! mote themselves.” Julie: I don’t notice so much when we play Todd: Not even with tickets? Julie: We’re not schmoozers. all of the time, but when we don’t play for Gabe: It’s hard to pull that shit off when Danny: You don’t have to schmooze. You awhile I feel really tense. All the things I’m you’re twelve. just have to sit outside a club at 2:00 A.M., used to getting out all of the time start Todd: Yeah. freezing your ass off and handing out flyers. building up and I start feeling horrible until Gabe: What’s the biggest misconception It’s not fun. we start practicing and playing again. you’ve heard about your band? Julie: I don’t think that even works. I think Kat: Do you have any interesting Recycler Angelique: I’m a catering chef and we were you have to go out a lot and you have to talk (LA classified paper) stories? It doesn’t at this big party for this like, Daytime to people and those are two things that, necessarily have to be with this band, just Emmy winners or whatever, and this really unless I’m playing a show, I’m not really amusing “Looking for singer, blah, blah, flashy dressed guy walks in and says, “I saw doing. blah” stuff. one of Roland Bolan’s bands, Dick Army. I Danny: Tell the story about the notes you Todd: I have one, actually. I placed an ad, saw them the other night.” see at work. something to the effect of, “I’m eight feet Todd: (to Angelique) You were in one of Julie: On a Jon Spencer Blues Explosion tall, 400 lbs., and have terminal acne. Join his bands? CD there was some really asinine comment my band.” And a guy called me up and was Angelique: Well, that CD we were handing like, “Sounds good, but not radio friendly.” like, “Are you really eight feet tall?” out that Roland produced. They ascertain that Jon Spencer is not radio Julie: He recorded it for us. He had a Pro friendly. Tools set up. Kat: Is he supposed to be? Angelique: It was just funny that this guy Todd: They missed the boat on that one. was going off on how great Dick Army was. Julie: Yeah, that’s why I’m not slipping I was like, “Yeah, that’s my band.” And he demos under anybody’s door. If that’s not was like, “Oh, really?” radio friendly, we’re sure not.

Kat: Do you have cliché stories of record Danny: Or one said something like, “Really 41 people coming up to you after a show or cute, eighteen-year-old twins,” or whatever. whatever and making promises of fame and They’re really scary. Rivethead has been around for three and funnier than most, and infinitely humma- change they get – they can keep some of it a half years and no one, absolutely no ble, they play like they’ve got a pair. – they send us some of it and we keep it. one, had interviewed them before. This is They play music that doesn’t sound like a Paddy: To give them a t-shirt? a breakdown. I could fill pages, in really eulogy to past greats. They play without Nate: To give them a t-shirt. tiny type, of bands that don’t deserve to disgrace or thinking, “Dude, if we just Paddy: How much have you made so far? be interviewed, ever. Some of them are put a little more rock in the mix, maybe Nate: Not a dime, but this can change. named in this interview. This is a funda- we’ll get signed.” Todd: This is an open solicitation. mental breakdown. Where’s the adven- Nate: The basic idea is for people to spare ture in discovering new bands? Do peo- Todd: Explain how the Rivethead street change and give us some money and that’s ple who run music magazines have ears team is devised. the street team. of their own? I know it’s hard to find dia- [the band seems blind-sided by the ques- Todd: What’s the involvement with Josie monds in the dog shit, and the music tion] and the Pussycats with you guys? hype machine is at its most sophisticated, Zach: I guess I don’t know what you mean. Paddy: What isn’t? but Christ, during the mid-to-late ‘90s, a Paddy: You know you’ve been around at Zach: Josie and the Pussycats are an inte- band that played pop punk, no matter three o’clock in the morning, spray painting gral part of our whole operation. how awful, would get some ink. The Rivethead. Todd: You’ve seen the movie around twen- world’s a much different place in the Nate: The idea is that the typical pop punk ty-three times. Is that correct? beginning of the 2000s. Pop punk is con- band has a street team where they recruit Zach: I’ve seen it somewhere around that sidered a touch of the plague. Hell, even people to hawk their sweatshirts and stuff. amount of times. I’ve seen it a lot. I own it. the labels that became famous and made Our idea is we have people on the street Todd: Why? a mint off of it have moved on in differ- who spare change or mug people and the ent directions. But just because there were so many shitass bands clogging the drains with insipid whoah ohhs while pitifully trying to pickpock- et the Ramones’ jackets, does that mean the whole genre is like a used rubber on a dirty side- walk: to be avoided at all costs? The answer is no. Rivethead prove the exception. Hard, terse, melodic, smarter and Zach: It’s just really funny and the sound- ling around, sleeping on this roof in this pointing at shirts, dropping it, and spilling it track kicks ass. park.” They’re like, “Oh yeah, man, I’m all over their merchandise. He did it like Todd: Are the girls cute? homeless.” “You live in this town. You’re seven times. He’d knock it over. The guy Zach: Rachael Leigh Cooke? Are you not homeless.” would pick it up and be like, “Get it togeth- fuckin’ kidding me? Todd: You can’t be homeless with all that er.” Paddy: I heard that she’s the new Jamie equipment, you know. Nate: “You take Visa, right?” “No, dude.” Lee Curtis, though. That she was born with Paddy: They’re famous over there, too. Then he just walked out. a penis. Brad: They’re huge. Zach: So that happened. As soon as we got Todd: Who has a studio in their house? Paddy: That makes me hate them because escorted out, we were just outside, smoking, Zach: Mike, actually. He’s not here. He got you’re my favorite person in the world. and we hear, coming though the door, on a bunch of equipment from this guy, who Especially in Rotterdam. Their economy is the PA, the singer on the microphone, “I’ll we’re all friends with, who used to be in a out of this world. Fuck them. Even their be fuckin’ waiting for you outside, mother- bunch of bands here. This guy, Spitball. rain is expensive. You probably even have fucker.” The drummer was practically in He’s gone away for awhile. to pay to get rained on. tears that we’d ruined their show. It was Todd: Oh, the guy who got busted for Todd: Explain belt fighting. ridiculous. They were done and they went meth? Brad: It’s this new thing that we’re trying outside. I saw them. “Did you need to talk Zach: Yeah. He gave all of his equipment to start. Taking punk rock to a new level. to me about anything?” It didn’t really go to Mike and Mike just kind of took the ball The violence of people punching each other anywhere from there. They wanted me to go from him. in the pit, that’s kind of boring. After the on their tour bus and hang out. I was like, Paddy: It was also more like Mike had the show, in the alley, with belts and no shirts. “We can definitely hang out in your tour initiative. The city told Spitball, “We’re Belt fights. It just makes sense. I’d love to bus.” I wanted that black eye so fucking bad taking everything in your house,” and Mike belt fight an emo band. for the rest of the tour. I would kill for that. realized he had twenty-four hours to get Paddy: They’d have white belts. You’d see I did not give a shit how much of an ass everything out, so he was the one guy who them coming. whooping I took. was, “Fuck all of you. I’m taking that shit.” Brad: They’d be at such a disadvantage. Todd: They have a tour bus? Are they big? Todd: What ever happened to your 2002 Paddy: Do you think it’s worth more points Nate: They’re pretty big, actually. European tour? to get somebody right in the face or to Paddy: No they’re not. Zach: Oh, it was awesome, man. We went knock the cigarette out? Nate: Really? fuckin’ everywhere, like Germany. Brad: I think the cigarette because that’s Paddy: They got signed and there’s antici- Brad: Skokie, Illinois. accuracy. That’s fuckin’ technique. pation of them being big. But let me put it Zach: It was just Germany and Illinois. Anybody can hit you in the face. to this way. They were just dumb enough to Paddy: “Dude, we went to Germany and Todd: What’s the next step in psychologi- be the kind of people who would actually Canada.” cal terrorism against The Juliana Theory? play the type of place that I would actually Zach: “Mike booked it when he was high. I Let’s cover stuff that you’ve actually done, say is cool in Tallahassee and insist on don’t know.” so we can get this on record. headlining on a bill that is obviously mak- Todd: No, seriously, what happened to the Paddy: Let’s also cover what they did. ing sense within itself. They are so retarded tour? Zach: The whole story goes – we were on that people stuck around when they head- Zach: What tour? Where? tour with Dillinger Four last fall and we lined, just to heckle them. Not even to Todd: You were planning to go on a 2002 were playing in Tallahassee at this lame- check them out to give them a chance, but, European tour? ass, college place. They got on stage. They literally, when they’re setting up their Nate: Where did you hear about that? Our played last and they were just fucking horri- equipment, there’s already people who have website, too? ble. stuck around for the extra ten minutes just Todd: No, Sean Carswell (co-Razorcake Todd: Explain horrible. to yell at them and make fun of them. I’m dude) told me. Nate: They looked like the singer of Creed, sure they think they’re big. I’m sure their Paddy: See, the funny thing, is what I’m but emo. foxy girlfriends who are yuppies some- guessing, is what you have to understand is Zach: You can’t get any worse than that. where think they’re big. that Todd actually researches his inter- Paddy: It really was. Zach: It ended with kind of an argument. views, so you guys have probably been get- Zach: They got up and started playing and Me practically begging to go on their bus, ting wasted, talking crazy shit, and you this fuckin’ asshole was on stage, flipping willing to take them up on their offer. As don’t even remember. his long hair to the girls. It just sucked. soon as I was about to get on, Billy from Zach: We can’t even pull off a US tour. We Everything about it was so phony and so Dillinger Four came up behind me. “Oh, can’t even tour Minneapolis. shitty. Me and a friend of mine, Maddy, dude, so we’re going to go check out the Brad: Yeah, I went to Europe and rode bike who lives down in Florida, we were a little bus?” He’s a big, fuckin’ dude. The guy around. Maybe he’s talking about that. I buzzed and we decided that we would get hightailed it into the bus, shut the door, and don’t know. up on stage and dance, ‘cause it was fuckin’ we didn’t see hide nor hair of them for the Paddy: Yeah, you toured Europe. How did boring. I would think they’d want that type rest of the night. you get along with The Apers? of thing. But they didn’t. I pulled down my Paddy: I think you’re also changing the Brad: Those fuckers wouldn’t give me a pants and the next thing I knew I was basi- story a little bit. You were also pretty eager place to sleep to fuckin’ save my life. I had cally on the ground, sprawled. This dude to get a couple punches in, too. I was stand- to sleep on a rooftop in the rain because of kicked me in the ass and shoved me down ing right there. I also remember Zach and those bastards. and I wanted to go into their rack of pedals Billy insisting on them autographing their Todd: Why’s that? because they had this insane equipment, but asses. That’s where the whole thing started. Brad: I was at their show, too, right? I went I missed by a long shot. We got escorted off Brad: They were handing out autographs. to see them Rotterdam. I was at this show, by their goons. That was pretty great. Zach: That was the whole thing. We were and I’m talking to them and kind of trying Brad: At that same show, our friend Joe, interrupting their autograph session. That to avoid namedropping. “I know Todd who goes on tour with us, it’s on the DVD was another thing they were pissed off (Congelliere). You guys did a split with his that he made, he’s going up to their merch about. That was pretty great. band. The Raging Hormones split with table and they were standing with a camera Todd: Nate, what is your anti-drug? Toys That Kill.” I asked them, “Hey, do a little ways away and video taping this. Nate: Heroin. It keeps me off the other you know of any place to stay? I’m travel- He’d go up with a beer in his hand, be drugs. 43 Todd: Explain the whole anti-drug thing. they’re in right now. They’re probably put them together and you put a baggie of Nate: Well, basically, the government got a building up their tolerance right now. the dart things in a big bag. I’d do it, but bunch of money to do a campaign to deter Paddy: Suddenly, I want to tour Iowa. man, I’d think, “This sucks. I’m making no kids from drugs and they call it the anti- Todd: Is today the worst day of your life? money. I’m making blowguns.” drug. They had ideas such as tennis. If you Brad: Actually, no. I haven’t had a job in Paddy: Where the fuck do you buy a blow- play tennis, you won’t smoke crack. I tried. months. gun? Is there that big of a market? Where is I played tennis for awhile and I still wanted Zach: I didn’t go to work today and I also there a Tribesmen R Us? “Hey man, deer to do drugs. It didn’t work. didn’t show up on Friday when I was sup- hunting season’s starting on Friday. Better Zach: Particularly crack. posed to. It’s a shitty fucking pizza parlor in get to the blowgun shop.” Nate: Crack especially. So, I smoked crack, Minneapolis and I don’t recommend it. Zach: Were they real blowguns or toy I played tennis, and my tennis game was Paddy: Is the drummer from Onward To blowguns? pretty off. It didn’t work. Mayhem still your manager? Nate: They’re real blowguns. It was, like, Todd: So, how does a band, collectively, Zach: He’s not my manager. Blowguns Are We or something. The dude go to Dubuque, Iowa, and find a drinking Todd: So, what was the worst day of your who owned the company, his license plate goat? life? said “BLOWGUN.” I said, “Man, fuck you, Nate: It was great. Brad: Probably the first day I got a job. It man. You’re getting rich off me.” So, the Zach: That was a complete accident. was at Toys R Us. last day of work, I took a blowgun, walked Brad: We didn’t even have a show in Zach: Your first job was at Toys R Us? outside, boom, boom, boom, boom, shot his Dubuque. Brad: I delivered newspapers and shit tires out. “Fuck you. I’m making seven Zach: That was supposed to be the end of before that, which was also terrible. In the cents an hour.” So that was the worst day of the tour. Then we played with Hot Carl, middle of winter, I’d get chased around by my life, ever, to date. who are from there. We played with them in dogs and stuff. The Toys R Us job was hor- Paddy: Let’s just cut to the chase. What’s Iowa City and they asked, “Would you guys rible. It was during the Christmas season, so the importance of the movie Office Space be interested in playing a show tomorrow and why does everybody have to see it? night in our hometown?” “Is Zach: Holy shit, dude. That movie there a show?” They’re like, sums us up as a band… except we “No. But we can set one up.” don’t work in offices and that’s We’re like, “Why the hell not?” kind of what the movie’s about. So we show up. It was incredi- So, hell yeah. ble. We played in this shitty Paddy: I’ve always told all of my garage on this farm and there friends from out of town, I’ve was a beer-drinking goat. There been like, “It’s not just a sample was a crazy fuckin’ dude in a on their record. For these guys, Spider Man costume dancing it’s their religion.” everywhere. It was a great show Todd: Nate, you tried to break on an hour’s notice. He called all these people came in asking for specific into a shopping mall once? everyone he knew and there were a hundred toys. I quit during the Christmas season Nate: I was fourteen. I went to a mall and kids packed in this tiny garage. It was great. because some lady came up and began ask- we were hanging out, trying to steal shit. I Brad: And the guy who he got the goat ing about Power Wheels. I was like, “Fuck realized we saw that the grate, door thing for from, he won it in a bet. He had to streak in this. I don’t know anything about Power the mall was opened slightly, so we thought, front of a thousand people and he won a Wheels. I can’t fake it anymore. I don’t “We’ll come back tonight, break in, and goat and sixteen dollars. It was something know.” You had to wear this ridiculous steal some” – it was a hobby store – “model ridiculous like that. The goat got attacked smock. planes and sell them to kids or something.” by a dog a day before we were there, so part Paddy: I’m actually very curious to know Paddy: “Hey man, wanna buy a plane? I of its head was bloody and messed up. But what was Nate Gangelhoff’s worst day of could hook you up with a Jeep, man.” the goat wouldn’t drink anything else. You his life. Nate: There’s an audience somewhere. I could go up to it and give it water or coffee. Nate: Hmm. It was probably a job. I was don’t know. But we figured we’d come back It would shy away. But beer, it would guz- probably working at a blowgun factory. Oh, that night because it’s too obvious in the zle a can in a couple seconds and try to eat yeah, shit. middle of the day. We came back in the the can. Paddy: I don’t even know if you should tell middle of the night and came back there and Zach: You’ve got to make the goat eat the the anecdote that goes along with that. That it turned out that it actually was locked, so can. That’s a rule. should just be in big letters as the quote. we started going at it with a stick we found Brad: He would eat cigarettes and spit out Was this when you were living in Bolivia? in the driveway. We actually broke in. We the filter. Nate: It the western suburbs of ran in. My friend was a little too excited and Paddy: Let me get this straight. This is Minneapolis, in Long Lake. I needed a job. he threw open the door. The alarm went off. Spider Man’s goat? I was in high school. I needed some quick We had to run out and we were hiding in the Brad: Yeah. I don’t remember his real money and I heard about the blowgun facto- golf course next door. Basically, we ran name. ry. Why not? The thing they said was you home the whole way from the suburban Paddy: Who could ever think that Iowa get paid per blowgun. The people working cops and we got nothing out of it. That was could be so cosmopolitan? there were like cyborgs. They could make my experience with robbing a mall. I guess Zach: That was a great goat. blowguns really fast. Six hundred bucks a I’d recommend it, but we fell short. Brad: He came to a kind of tragic end. The week. I said, “Okay, that’s good money.” I Paddy: You’ve got to keep trying. last time we were in Dubuque, we were make them pretty slow. I’m making ten Nate: I’ll try again soon. like, “Where’s Sammy the Goat?” “Well, I bucks a week and it wasn’t as good. The Todd: Who left your merch box under the don’t know. He died. He got killed and first day I realize I’m making blowguns for van? we’re not sure if it was from the drinking or a dollar an hour. Nate: That was Nick, our old guitar player. the fact that somebody spray painted him.” Zach: How many blowguns could you We were kind of drinking. I don’t know They’re thinking, I want a pink goat. Or probably turn out in an hour? what happened. Basically, we were driving something. The guy had three new goats, Nate: I’d say two. You have a piece of the and we heard a crunching noise. “What the apparently, so I don’t know what state pipe and another piece of the pipe and you fuck is that? Dude, stop the car right now. Don’t move.” We stop and look out and the that literally thousands of bands through The Vindictives, actually did something records were kinda crushed, but the thing the ‘90s somehow picked up on but some- for me. Their lyrics are good. was we still sold them. They were still sell- how picked up all the wrong aspects? Nate: Bowling For Soup, the result is so able. Little do the people know – tire tracks Zach: You can’t base your band around a bad. on their record. song like “Totally.” It’s a good song, but Zach: “I want to be sedated. All I wanted Paddy: “Screen printed, man.” fuckin’-a, dude. There’s so much more to was to see her naked.” Brad: “We fuckin’ ran over every one of pop punk, and particularly Screeching Brad: I’ll fuckin’ belt fight them any fuckin’ them individually.” Weasel. day. Todd: So, what’s been the big holdup with Brad: For me growing up, I loved all that Nate: But that’s what they take out of it. I’m releasing stuff? You’ve been a band for pop punk shit. I’d go through MRR and assuming that they grew up on Screeching three and a half years, is that correct? read their reviews and stuff would say Weasel and The Queers, the same bands we Nate: We take our time, man. “Screeching Weasel, Queers,” and gener- did, and the result that pop culture gets is Todd: You have seven songs on vinyl – one ally, back then, I would buy it. Then I’d be these hit singles that are bad and generic. track on the No Hold Back, All Attack comp. like, “What the fuck is this? This sounds Todd: So, what did you guys pull out of it So that’s, on average, roughly one song like the Parasites.” Lyrically, especially. It that other people are unable to? I’ll admit, every six months. seemed like people were associating the first time I listened to your 7”, I was like, Zach: That’s a lot better than we do in real Screeching Weasel with a sound more “Ah, that’s pretty good.” But sitting down life. We’re slow with the writing process. than something other than that. For me, I and listening to it over and over again, it got I’m pretty picky about what we even play was always more into The Vindictives and addictive. live. Screeching Weasel than The Queers. I Nate: Screeching Weasel, at least lyrically, Brad: It’s got a lot to do with different peo- liked The Queers musically and I grew up take “It’s All in My Head” vs. “Totally.” ple being out of town at different times. I’m liking them, but Screeching Weasel and There’s a certain dark, cool side to their not in Minneapolis that much. I’m here, on songs. average, seven months out of the Brad: I’ve always liked songs year. that somehow, in a way, docu- Paddy: Even when you’re here, ment a certain thing in a period you’re not really here. I’ve seen you of time where the person writing more than enough times with a beer it lives in. That’s why I love bottle in you hand and you don’t Woody Guthrie. That’s why I like even know who I am. folk music. That’s what I think Todd: Name an influence you can’t punk rock should be. Even hard- deny that is in your music. core bands, they’ll write about Zach: Screeching Weasel. political things in some other Nate: Pinhead Gunpowder… Dee- country that really doesn’t relate Lite. to them and that’s fine and good Zach: Shit, I don’t know, man. and some bands pull it off, but I Simple Plan. really like stuff that’s very specific Nate: Bowling For Soup. It’s kind of to their place and time. I think sad that it’s come to the point where Minneapolis is really fortunate it’s third generation Blink 182, with a lot of bands that pull that where they’re ripping off New off. I didn’t like hardcore at all Found Glory. They’re ripping off a when I heard Man Afraid and song – their hit single is this song for they, along with Born Against, a community college in Minneapolis. made me realize that there’s actu- Zach: That National American ally something to a lot of these University tune. “One day, one night. hardcore bands. It’s not something Saturday’s all right. My mom’s just I was into originally, musically, fine.” but then I got really into it. I think Nate: And their hit single is that song. a lot of people bought the Born Zach: And they don’t live here. What Against/Screeching Weasel split the fuck? and they either liked Born Paddy: Actually, it’s funny because Against or they liked Screeching you bring up what I always find inter- Weasel, but, for me, it was a bril- esting with you guys. If I put you liant idea. I like both bands. It guys in anything, the first thing I made sense. would bring up would be Todd: What is “Never Three on Crimpshrine, Screeching Weasel, but a Match”? I’ve realized in the last couple years Brad: The song title is just a that it’s a hard time bringing that up. dumb thing that comes from an It conjures up different connotations old navy, sailor thing. When because for the better part of the ‘90s, they’re on a ship, you could light there were shitty bands who were a match to light a cigarette. You lumped with that but they didn’t actu- could light two cigarettes with it, ally sound like that. but if you light three, you were Zach: It’s really shitty when someone in danger of being seen from the says your band sounds like Screeching flame. Weasel and The Queers. Even if you Paddy: I actually grew up with do, it’s a shitty thing to say. that, too. I remember when I was Paddy: What do you think you guys a kid, that was bad luck. picked up from that that was so right 45 Brad: It became a bad luck thing based on eight hours a day, motherfucker.” random dude. He got out, radioed for help, that. Paddy: You can’t give a name to your own and was lying on the ground. This fuck, Todd: How is Rivethead’s sound different subculture. That’s bullshit. It’s like giving Charlie Storley, came up and shot him. than the previous venture some of you were yourself a nickname. “Hey guys, call me Nate: He shot Lawrence Miles – this was a in, Sounds of Corpses Rotting? King Groovie.” few years ago – got a promotion since then, Nate: I don’t know. It’s like shitty versus Todd: How much train hopping do you shot a cop in the back and is still a cop with less shitty. Out of high school, it was fun. guys really do? paid absence. My relatives would always ask, “So, you Brad: For awhile, I was doing it really regu- Zach: The cop who got shot was Asian. graduated. What are you doing?” I can’t say larly. I pretty much moved out of where I Ever since, there has been a big backlash in “I’m in Sounds of Corpses Rotting,” so I was living and traveled all over Canada on the local police department against Asians would say, “I’m doing nothing.” the Canadian Lowline from St. Paul, up to because he’s speaking out about it. He was a Brad: Basically, we wanted to do a band Winnipeg, over to Vancouver, stopping at normal cop. He wasn’t a nice guy or any- that pretty much sounded like Crimpshrine places in between. For awhile, that was what thing, but he’s speaking out against how he at the time, but we tried to cover I was doing. Now, I do it now and then. was treated. They’re doing a lot of things to “Summertime” in that same band and didn’t Right now, I live in my van. I don’t live discredit him. On the local news coverage ever get through it once. anywhere in Minneapolis. Recently, I was they said that there were rumors that he shot Todd: Have you guys ever run into any out west. When I was on the West Coast, I himself so he could avoid going away for interpretation problems such as, “I’m a riv- rode from Portland down to Oakland. I don’t the military. It’s tragic. The police force ethead. I’m into gothic industrial music”? do it quite as much as I used to. I tend to go isn’t going to hang themselves. Nate: On our message board, on our web- from living in a house to not living in a Paddy: Not to get all weird or anything, but site, people come on and say, “You guys house every couple months. Generally, I’ll you guys are looking at it from a very liberal don’t know that rivethead means industrial. ride trains somewhere. point of view, dude. It’s pretty hard to shoot You stupid punks. We’re into groove indus- Zach: It’s pretty much the same with me. I a kid in the back. [laughter] It may sound trial. You’re not.” I didn’t realize. When we haven’t been doing it as much lately. A cou- easy. I remember the first time Half Pint started, we called ourselves Rumblefish, and ple summers ago, I went from Miami, shot a kid in the back, they were crying for a we heard there was already a band named Florida, to Portland, Oregon. It was a crazy week. that, so we changed it to avoid that becom- summer. It took up my entire summer. It Todd: Name three things that if you put ing a problem. Now, there’s apparently – I took me everywhere. It was fucking incredi- together, makes you think of Rivethead as a didn’t know this – if you’re into industrial ble. Last summer, I went to Milwaukee for band for you. I’m not even talking sound- music, you’re a rivethead. breakfast. wise. Zach: And we just named it after the book Todd: Explain Theta Beta Potata. Zach: When I think of Rivethead, I think of by Ben Hamper. We didn’t even know that Nate: Our friend, Dave, I went to high this old house that me and Brad used to live was a thing. Some jerkoff band from Texas, school with. He was living in Iowa and was at, this punk house in southeast this industrial groove going to school for film, and he lived in a Minneapolis. It was in college town. We’d band, has trademarked house that did shows. Obviously, it was a have shows in the basement all the time and the name, so every- take off of frat houses: Theta Beta Potata. they were just really crazy. It was a really where their name is, it’s Rivethead™. It’s rad. They still do shows there. It was good period of my life, having Rivethead Brad: I’d like to see a thing on the industri- really fun. shows there all the time made it a lot better. al message board of a bunch of GM factory Brad: It was basically a bunch of punk kids, It was a ridiculous house. Me and Brad built workers. “What the fuck are you calling living in a house, doing shows, surrounded bedrooms in the basement out of plywood. yourself a rivethead for? We actually do this by frat kids. “Fuck them. We’re starting our We suckered the people who lived there into own frat that’s going to rule and throw punk letting us live there for fifty bucks a month, shows.” And they pulled it off. They actual- which we, most of the time, didn’t have. ly had the letters. They had the theta, beta, Brad: The jobs I have – I work in the Target and potato-shaped thing and the university Center in Minneapolis – I have to work a came by and made them take it down. Bette Midler concert or something, and run “You’re not a frat. You can’t do that.” wine coolers up all night. After that, I like Todd: What is the FETC? doing something that makes sense to me, be Brad: It’s Freight Edge Train Core. Me and around people that make sense to me. I’ve my friend Steve were traveling across always been somewhat involved in the punk Canada and you’d see the straight edge rock scene and it just made sense to be in a hardcore thing, the X. That didn’t really band. apply to us because we drank a lot. We Nate: I work a stupid office job, four days a decided to start our own things that we week. I get done, I can go play a show or could write on trains. practice. It’s therapeutic. It’s a better way to Todd: Who is Lawrence Miles and why did spend my time. he get shot in the back? Todd: It’s your anti-drug. Brad: He’s a kid in Minneapolis. I think he Nate: That is my anti-drug… was fourteen at the time. He was playing but I still do drugs. around with a BB gun and the cops came up and pointed guns at him. He had his back turned to them and didn’t understand what was happening because he was scared and he was a kid. So he ran away and they shot him in the back. Zach: That same cop, Charlie Storley, this piece of shit, shot another cop while he was laying on the ground. The cop had been doing an undercover job and was sitting in his car. He got shot in the chest by some 47 Whether or not you’ve heard of Ann Coulter, you’ve probably had her arguments recited to you at some point. Coulter has become the top right-wing guru, providing talking points for con- servatives everywhere, and turning up on Fox and MSNBC to preach to adoring talk show hosts. After the September 11 attacks, she garnered national attention by recommending that America invade the Middle East and force Muslims to convert to Christianity. In 2002, she made it to the top of the bestseller lists with her book Slander, which charged liberals with systematically lying about conservatives. Last summer, Coulter followed Slander his plan to widen the Korean War. Coulter describes the dispute with Treason, in which she accused everyone to the left of the between the two men this way: “Truman believed MacArthur’s Republican Party of being traitors. Like its predecessor, Treason crossing of the Yalu River had unnecessarily antagonized the sold well and drew considerable fire. However, critics of the book peace-loving Chinese Communists and dragged them into the have concentrated more on Coulter’s attempt to rehabilitate Joe Korean War.”1 It would have been at least somewhat antagonistic McCarthy than on the specifics of foreign and military policy. With to cross the Yalu, since that would have meant invading China. the November elections upcoming and the Iraq War dragging on Coulter has confused the Yalu River (which separates China and more than nine months after President Bush’s declaration of victo- North Korea) with the 38th parallel (which then separated North ry, Republicans’ political interests depend more than ever on and South Korea) – a pretty fundamental error, and one that shows branding their opponents dangerous on foreign policy issues. So just how little she and her editors know about the Korean War. let’s finally settle the claims of the book that is the unofficial 2004 Even after correcting the geographical mistake, Coulter’s statement Republican Platform. is still false: Truman authorized American troops to cross the 38th Harry Truman is one of Coulter’s favorite targets: she labels parallel. him a traitor for firing General Douglas MacArthur and rejecting Coulter also neglects to mention that MacArthur had been spectacularly wrong about China from the beginning. Just six weeks before the Chinese launched a massive attack against U.N. forces, MacArthur had assured Truman that there was “very little” chance China would do so.2 Coulter likewise fails to note that after MacArthur was dismissed, he explained that he had planned to drop between 30 and 50 nuclear bombs on northeastern China and to blanket the border area with radioactive cobalt.3 If she is so sure that MacArthur’s policy was superior to Truman’s, then why sup- press the fact that MacArthur’s policy included nuclear war? What would have been the long-term effects of massive radiation on the area’s inhabitants, including U.S. servicemen in Korea? Also, how does Coulter think Josef Stalin would have reacted to seeing his most important ally nuked, with at least part of the fallout landing in Soviet territory? Is she aware that the Soviets also possessed nuclear weapons in 1951? Of course, Korea attracts less interest from conservative myth- makers than Vietnam, because the widespread protests against the latter war offer rightists a chance to blame protestors for the defeat. However, even a cursory look at the Vietnam conflict tells another story. The U.S. committed massive resources – over 500,000 troops on the ground at one point and more bombs than were dropped in World War II – in an unsuccessful attempt to prop up the South Vietnamese government. Doesn’t that prove that the South Vietnamese state was never a viable entity from the start? Coulter ducks the question, regarding it as self-evident that Kennedy and Johnson lost the war by failing to be aggressive enough. In trying to advance her case, Coulter makes what she can out of the war’s sideshows. For instance, this is how she describes the CIA-backed military overthrow of South Vietnamese dictator Ngo Dinh Diem in 1963: “In the middle of a war, Kennedy dispatched the CIA to help assassinate our ally.”4 When a conservative objects to a right-wing military coup against a civilian ruler, you know something’s up. The truth is that Diem and his uniformed succes- ing that Ho Chi Minh’s party would win the upcoming vote, Diem sors were equally corrupt and unpopular, and so the coup changed cancelled the elections and declared himself head of the new nothing. But Coulter’s case hinges on the war being easily Republic of South Vietnam. The U.S. supported the move.7 It was winnable, and so she has to find phony turning points wherever she Eisenhower and Diem, not the commies, who banned the elections. can. Of course, had Kennedy vetoed the coup, Coulter would now It is simply laughable for conservatives to pretend that we were be castigating him for being too scared to pull the trigger on a weak fighting for democracy by propping up the South Vietnamese dicta- leader and replace him with competent military men. torship, or that we could have won the war by invading North Coulter’s rants are not even governed by claims she made earli- Vietnam, or even that any vital American interest was at stake in er. At one point, she describes the Vietnam situation early in Southeast Asia. Kennedy’s presidency: “When the U.S. could have easily won, For all its distortions of the record in the cases of Korea and Kennedy refused to order an invasion of the North.” A few pages Vietnam, the most ridiculous account in Treason may be its discus- later, she salutes Eisenhower’s policy of restraint toward Vietnam. sion of President Reagan’s abortive deployment of Marines to “President Eisenhower provided economic and military aid to Lebanon in 1983-4. That intervention would appear to offer a text- South Vietnam. But he also said he could not ‘conceive of a greater book case of a President committing U.S. troops carelessly and tragedy for America than to get heavily involved.’”5 So which is it? then pulling them out when things got tough – something Coulter Was the Vietnam War a cakewalk botched by Democrats or was it, insists that only Democrats do. However, she is sure that the fiasco as Eisenhower said, a tragic error to go to war in Vietnam at all? was not Reagan’s fault: “Lebanon was a Democrat policy,” she The doubletalk continues when Coulter describes Nixon’s writes. After an October 1983 truck bomb killed 241 Marines in Vietnam policy: their barracks, “Democrats in Congress set to work drafting a joint resolution demanding that Reagan pull the Marines out of Beirut.” [Nixon] withdrew more than half a million troops from In the rest of her book, Ronald Reagan is portrayed as possessing Vietnam, leaving a trim twenty-thousand-troop force behind. near-superhuman powers, but in this case, the mere threat of a joint He cut spending on the war by over 80 percent... Nixon kept resolution by Democrats (who did not even control both houses of the Communist North Vietnamese at bay and protected free- Congress) is enough to make him reverse course and also to free dom in South Vietnam by relentlessly bombing the North.6 him from responsibility for his own policy. A few paragraphs later,

He “kept the Communist Coulter seems to have North Vietnamese at bay”? realized how pathetic that What happened to victory? excuse is, and tries another Why didn’t Nixon just on for size. “Reagan had invade North Vietnam and bigger fish to fry in the give the commies what for? 1980s. He invaded The answer of course is that Grenada.”8 Reagan’s inva- after the Korean War, sion of that tiny Caribbean American presidents of island might look like a both parties were wary of “big fish” operation com- invading a communist pared to, say, an invasion country that neighbored of Club Med. However, it China. None of them want- looks miniscule compared ed to risk another ground to the problems of the war against the Chinese, Middle East. especially after China Our biggest Middle exploded its first nuclear Eastern problem today – bomb in 1964. the ongoing war in Iraq – More fundamentally, it may provide the ultimate is a lie that we were pro- riposte to Coulter’s claim tecting freedom or democ- that Republicans are both racy in South Vietnam. more sensible and more Rather, we were simply effective in their use of supporting one dictator military force. The Bush against another. Neither Diem nor the parade of military rulers who administration plan for a post-Saddam Iraq seems to have counted followed him represented democratic rule: Diem cancelled the only on Iraqis forgetting all religious and ethnic differences and accept- free, nationwide elections ever scheduled in Vietnam, and did so ing with joy both a long-term American occupation and a govern- with U.S. government approval. The 1954 Geneva Accords, which ment handpicked by U.S. authorities. Though such sanguine pre- secured French withdrawal from Indochina, mandated that interna- dictions have been contradicted by events, and though the current tionally supervised elections take place in 1956. In the meantime, collection of anti-American rebels has proven more lethal than neither the government of the independent northern part of the Saddam’s armies, Bush and his advisors refuse to accept that a long country nor that of the French-controlled southern part was to per- guerrilla war is underway. mit foreign bases or sign military alliances. The Eisenhower admin- Moving to the home front, it is interesting that in compiling her istration declined to sign the accords, but promised to allow them to list of traitors, Coulter seems to have forgotten right-wingers’ be carried out, and also pledged to “refrain from the threat or the affection for homegrown terrorists and subversives from the use of force.” However, in September 1954 – just two months after Branch Davidians to the various militia movements. That may be the Geneva agreements – the U.S. signed a military alliance with because Coulter is one of the right-wingers who expressed affec- the French-appointed South Vietnamese government. In 1955, fear- tion for those groups. She also ignores Republicans’ 49 Works Cited 1. Ann Coulter, Treason: Liberal Treachery from the Cold War to the War on Terror (Crown Forum, 2003), 151. 2. The quote comes from MacArthur’s meeting with Truman on Wake Island, October 15, 1950. Transcript excerpted in Thomas G. Paterson and Dennis Merrill (eds.), Major Problems in American Foreign Relations Volume II: Since 1914, Fourth Edition (Lexington, Mass.: D.C. Heath & Company, 1995), 377. 3. In an interview with reporter Bob Considine, MacArthuedescribed what he had planned to do, had he remained in command: “The enemy’s air [power] would first have been taken out. I would have dropped between 30 and 50 atomic bombs on his air bases and other depots strung across the neck of Manchuria.” The next phase of the plan called for amphibious landings behind the advancing Chinese forces. Those troops, consisting of U.S. Marines and Tawainese regulars, would then have moved south. “It was my plan as our amphibious forces moved south to spread behind us—from the Sea of Japan to the Yellow Sea—a belt of radioactive cobalt. It could have been spread from wagons, carts, trucks and planes. It is not an expensive material. It has an active life of between 60 and 120 years.” “Text of Considine Interview,” New York Times, April 9, 1964, 16. 4. Coulter, 128. 5. Coulter, 128, 132. 6. Coulter, 131. 7. Thomas G. Paterson, J. Garry Clifford, Kenneth J. Hagan, American Foreign Relations: A History since 1895, Fourth Edition (Lexington, Mass.: D.C. Heath and Company, 1995), 380-1. 8. Coulter, 137, 138-9. 9. Christopher Hitchens, “The Case Against Henry Kissinger,” Harper’s, March 2001, 52-3. failure to respond to the unprecedented act of terrorism against the 10. Hitchens, 51; Hugh O’Shaugnessy, Pinochet: The Politics of United States committed by Chile’s dictatorship in September Torture (New York: NYU Press, 2000), 65. 1976, when agents of that regime murdered Chilean dissident 11. Arnold R. Isaacs, Vietnam Shadows: The War, Its Ghosts and Its Orlando Letelier and an American citizen with a car bomb in Legacy (Baltimore: Johns Hopkins University Press, 1997), 36- Washington, D.C. Orchestrating the murder was the head of Chile’s 47; Molly Ivins and Lou Dubose, Shrub: The Short but Happy secret police, Manuel Contreras Sepúlveda, who (according to CIA Political Life of George W. Bush (New York: Random House, documents released in 2000) was a CIA asset, paid by that organi- 2000), 8–10. zation.9 Contreras’s boss, the dictator Augusto Pinochet, had seized power in a coup directed by the Nixon administration in 1973. In the wake of the D.C. bombing, the Ford administration, which included Dick Cheney as Chief of Staff, failed to take action against the Chilean government for that attack on American lives and American sovereignty. In 1995, with Pinochet no longer in charge in Chile, Contreras went to prison for his various crimes, including the murder of Letelier. But his terrorism against the United States has attracted little interest from American politicians, least of all the Republicans who claim to be the best protectors of our nation. Nor have Coulter or any other Republican “warriors against terror” seen fit to call for an investigation into Pinochet’s involvement in the attack, despite the fact that Contreras maintains that he never took any actions without explicit orders from Pinochet himself.10 As fraudulent as any of Coulter’s claims is the pose of fake populism that she adopts throughout the book. With repeated refer- ences to brie and tuxedos, she tries to portray Democratic office- holders as over-privileged elitists, as if the latter group didn’t include Ivy Leaguer Ann Coulter, and as if Republican economic policy had any objective besides increasing the fabulous wealth and power of such people. Coulter’s goal in crying “treason” is to dis- tract Americans from the economic damage caused by Bush admin- istration giveaways to the rich. Her elitism also causes her to omit key facts about America’s wars, such as the fact that Vietnam-era draft boards targeted working-class men, and specifically marked them for combat infantry duty once inducted.11 Though the draft is no more, the ranks of the military remain filled primarily with working-class recruits, and that fact goes a long way toward explaining the enthusiasm of well-to-do conservatives like Bush and Coulter for dubious military ventures like the cur- rent Iraq war. It’s not their people getting killed. Petite: I’m sorry we have to do it in here. then back home and we already hit the east Petite: Was it like someone wanted to I’m sure you guys have spent enough time coast. Then we’re doing Europe in spring. start a band and you all sort of met up? in here. (In the Tyrades’ tour van.) Petite: You guys have been together for a Jim: I was in the Baseball Furies and at Robert: I’m just pissed he’s in my freakin’ while now. How long has it been? one point I played in the Blow Tops as seat. [Points to my boyfriend, Richie, sitting Jim: Well, it’s kind of weird because when well. We went on this real crappy south- in the driver’s seat.] we started out in Buffalo we were a band for ern tour and I met Robert. Robert really Petite: First thing I want to know, ‘cause I less than a year. Then there was a year break wasn’t doing anything and he wanted to haven’t been able to figure this out, where when we decided we were going to move to start a band, so I convinced him to move exactly are you guys from? Chicago. Robert moved back to Atlanta to up to Buffalo just to start a band. At that Jenna: We live in Chicago, but originally earn money and we left our drummer in point, he had never played an instrument. I’m from Buffalo. Jim’s from Buffalo. Buffalo. Then we moved to Chicago and He was just learning while I played bass Robert: We started in Buffalo. I moved to Jenna didn’t like it so she moved back and for the Furies. It was easy for me to learn Buffalo and we started in Buffalo. Frank is then we really didn’t know what we were guitar when someone else didn’t know from Atlanta. I’m from Atlanta as well, but going to do. Then we got Frank to move up. what they were doing ‘cause he was just that’s way too confusing. So, during that period there was a whole concentrating on what he was doing and Jim: We’re from Chicago! year where we weren’t playing. We weren’t not saying to me, “God, you suck.” We Robert: We’re all from Chicago; all of us a band. So, we’ve only been this line up and just kind of got together. Robert met live in Chicago. playing in Chicago for about a year. In my Jenna and convinced her to join the band. Petite: You’ll have to forgive me ‘cause I mind we’ve only been a band for a year but, Robert: We found a drummer that was didn’t research you guys very well. in total, we’ve been a band for three years. kind of insane. Jenna: Get out! But all the stuff we played in Buffalo, we Jim: Yeah, in Buffalo. Then, in that year Robert: What research is there to do? It’d don’t play anymore. Buffalo was almost like break, Robert moved back to Atlanta and be like: “I heard two of your shitty singles.” training camp. It was where we learned how that’s when he met Frank and convinced Jim: Yeah. “I did some research and you to play, even though it doesn’t really seem him to come and ruin his life. guys suck.” like we really figured it out. Robert: Frank and I actually grew up in Petite: What did you guys have planned for Petite: Did all of you guys grow up togeth- the same place but we never knew each this tour? er? other until three summers ago. Robert: You mean like where are we going Robert: No. Actually, none of us grew up Petite: What made you guys decide to or what bad times are we going to have? together. We’ve all met within the last five get the band back together after such a We’re going the rest of the (west) coast and years. long time apart? 52 Robert: Well, we intended to move to Chicago and keep the band going. Things started going weird and it just happened that when we were deciding whether or not to keep the band, everyone decided to move back to Chicago and Frank decided to move up. It all clicked at the same time. Jim: During that year I just kept writing songs and Robert became a better bass player, so the songs were more interesting, as far as different stuff like bass lines. I thought the songs were just better songs. There was definitely a desire on my part to be really positive, even though things were really shitty. I knew the songs were good and that it’d be a waste if I’d spent a whole year stockpiling these songs. Robert: We didn’t really want to give up on it. Jim: The songs were fun to play and were so much better than the stuff we had writ- ten in Buffalo. Petite: What’s it been like for you, Jenna, being a female singer? There’s a lot of stereotypes and bullshit… Jenna: Yeah, I ran into that a lot at first but now it’s at a point where we’re playing with bands that don’t do that and our friends are at the shows. I don’t feel that people who come to the show fit me into anything. It really sucked at the beginning, though ‘cause… Petite: They were expecting you to show your tits or something. Jenna: Yeah. Jim: Yeah, it’s definitely not just eye candy. We’re a band and there’s equal input. Petite: What have been some of the best bands you guys have played with? You guys have been on several tours. Robert: Yeah, this is our third big one. Jim: Yeah, there’s so many good bands. I liked the Marked Men. In Chicago, there’s a lot of good bands that I won’t mention ‘cause it’ll be a problem if I forget some- one. The Marked Men are my favorite out- of-town band. Robert: There’s a lot of bands that we’re friends with that we really have a lot of fun playing with. We did a lot of shows with the Black Lips and they were tons of fun. It’s always fun to play with the other retards that are around. Jim: Sweet JAP, they’re a lot of fun. Robert: Yeah, they’re super fun. We just played with them on this tour. Interesting bands like the Spits… Jim: The Mystery Girls were a lot of fun. Petite: So what’s the scene like in Chicago? Robert: It’s actually really good. It was really poor when we moved there but it’s gotten really good. It’s getting a little bit weird but there’s a lot of good bands. Petite: How so? How is it getting weird? Robert: Well, bands are getting a little bit bigger. When we first moved there they were all just starting and now some are getting bigger and starting to break away from the scene. Not too much, but every- necessarily how much we can get paid, pursue that. We want to play to other people one’s trying to do their own thing. The ‘cause we don’t make shit. and we want to play to kids who are active. bands are getting better, though. Robert: It’s also important that different I’d rather play to a kid in a basement who’s Jim: Yeah, everyone’s really helpful with people see us as much as possible. going to be excited about seeing something each other. They really look out for each Jim: Yeah. In that case, we could’ve stayed new than to someone in their late twenties other. I agree with Robert. In my mind, in Buffalo and played to the same 200 peo- who’s just going to drink a beer and the scenes go in cycles and this a really good ple at every show. show’s just something that’s going on. part of the cycle. All the bands are young, Robert: You want us to name bands? Robert: Yeah, like they don’t care that it’s they look out for each other, and it’s really Jim: Well, I don’t want to forget anyone. Texas Terri who’s just playing bad covers. exciting because everyone’s in it together. Petite: Fuck it. If there’s good bands, name Jim: We definitely pursue those kinds of But sometimes, as bands record, it draws them so people can get a head’s up. options. When some says, “Hey you guys them away. I’d at least like to know. are cool. I do this or that.” I think, “Wow, Robert: At first we were all playing togeth- Jim: My favorite Chicago band is the that sounds fun.” There’s a definite good er, then they started getting offered stuff Functional Blackouts. They’re really good, scene in Chicago in this area called Pilsen. and being more selective about their shows. like the Pagans meet the Germs but real It’s mostly Mexican and they have all these Jim: There gets to be a little bit of a compe- catchy. We play with them a lot. By far, crazy hardcore shows and we get invited to tition for shows. play them.

They have these weird spaces Petite: Is that something you guys stay though, there’s a lot of really good Chicago Robert: away from? Not being picky or pretentious? bands. Our scene encompasses a lot of dif- they find where they do shows. Jim: I guess. We’re picky, but at the same ferent sounds. A lot of people in our scene Jim: And the kids are really cool and very time we’ll play a party in someone’s base- are older, like twenty-five and up. The active. ment if we think it’s the fun thing to do. We Ponys are really good; they’re going to be Robert: We played with a cool Mexican just played a mustache party in a guy’s on In The Red. The Hot Machines, a band hardcore band. basement. called VD that are good, a band called the Jim: There’s a lot of scenes and we’re Petite: What’s that? Dirges who’ve got a Baseball Fury in the lucky we’ve branched out to a couple of Jim: Everyone had to have a mustache to band and Ross from the Brides, the Worst, them. It’s nice playing to people you don’t be at the party. and an all-girl band called the Manhandlers. know. I always think it’s kind of weird Robert: And we’ll play basement shows Robert: There’s a lot of bands and every- when I see someone with a Tyrades pin ‘cause it’s a good thing for us to do. one will hear them. who I don’t know. I almost want to be Jim: We’re picky, in a way, of what we do Jim: For some reason, hardcore kids like us like, “Who are you? Let’s be friends,” Or but not based on whether it’s a career move as well and we get invited to play a lot of like, “What’s wrong with you? Is that my or how much we’re going to get paid. hardcore shows, which those other bands in friend’s jacket? Did you steal that?” Picky, as in we’re only going to play once a our scene don’t get asked to play. Frank: “What mistakes have you made in month so people don’t get sick of us. We Petite: Why do you think that happens? life?” want it to be the best time we can have, not Jim: I think the other bands are a little too Petite: How’s the transition been for you, garagey and more of “a thing.” Also, we Frank, moving from Atlanta to Chicago? Frank: Chicago’s fun. Atlanta’s great and Jim: Oh, you were there? Jim: Well, I’d think we’re more arty than there’s a great scene down there. There’s a Petite: Do you remember the guys rolling new wave. I’ve seen reviews that say we’re lot of great bands, but Chicago’s great, too. around on the floor and the girl who set the new wave. We’re not a new wave band at The weather in Chicago is god-awful! I trash can on fire? all. We’re trying to make a twist on some- could never ever get used to that shit! Robert: That’s the only thing I ever men- thing that is more arty than new wave. There’s so much snow. It’s like Sweden! tion about that show. There were only five There’s little weird parts that aren’t by-the- It’s ridiculous. people there and for no reason this girl sets numbers punk rock. Jim: It’s not that bad! a trash can on fire! Jenna: It’s different listening to the record Robert: I don’t even know how Sweden is, Petite: I was standing next to you guys and seeing a live show. though. while she’s pulling the trashcan out and Robert: The record’s a little more straight- Frank: It’s probably not half as bad as then she got these little bags with a candle forward. Chicago. and threw them in there. You guys were Jim: The record’s in tune! Petite: Well, it doesn’t snow in the south, laughing and I looked over at you and Petite: I have a confession to make! I right? shrugged my shoulders. They wanted to reviewed your “Detonation” single. Frank: It snows like once a year. fight Greg Lowery afterwards (the Zodiac Robert: You’re the one who talked shit Jim: They close everything and people Killers played that show too). If you about it! have panic attacks for, like, an inch of remember, my friend grabbed the mic from Petite: Yeah. No, no I didn’t! I didn’t talk snow. Greg and he got mad and stopped the song. shit. I actually really, really liked it, but I Frank: Well, since it doesn’t

happen often, the city and the state don’t know how to deal with it well, so schools get I met Greg a couple months later and told closed if there’s a quarter-inch of snow on him it was my friend. I was laughing about the ground. Whereas in Chicago, there’s a it and he was not amused. mentioned something about Jenna’s vocals. foot of snow on the ground and you have to Robert: It was funny… I mean, that trash- I was thinking about this about six months pretend that it’s not there. You have to drive can. That was definitely fucking around and after I wrote it and I haven’t written another around, walk to the store, and do all this shit being stupid. record review ‘cause I was so disappointed and act like it’s not there. Jim: I didn’t even understand it. I just that I said it without really thinking. Robert: Basically, Frankie loves it. thought, “I can’t believe this is my life. Robert: What’d you say? Jim: He’s really happy about the move. What’s happened to me?” The Orphans are Petite: I said that her vocals sounded like Frank: Thrilled. from here and there still wasn’t anyone she was trying to sound like she had a Petite: So you guys just came out with an there. They got kicked out of the bar, British accent. album. though. Jim: Oh, yeah, yeah. Robert: We’re not on tour because of it. Robert: Well, they came back in. They had Jenna: Oh yeah, I remember that. We needed to tour and the record came out to just to bring the bar capacity to twelve. Petite: Then one day I was listening to it in back in September. It helps to have the LA has been an interesting place for us. We the car and I was like, “What the fuck was I record with us on tour, money-wise. We either play to twelve people or with twelve thinking? Now I have to interview them in a have an LP, three singles, and some compi- bands. couple weeks and I’m going to feel like lation stuff, with more singles coming out. Petite: You guys really don’t sound like such a dickwad. I hope they don’t put two Jim: The record’s on Broken Rekids out of anything I can definitively put my finger on. and two together.” San Francisco. Why do you that is? Jim: I read that review. Petite: What’s it like? Jim: I think we all kind of like similar Robert: I did, too. Robert: The record? It’s like orange or things but we all have our own tastes, too. Jim: I was like, “That person’s a fucking blue. Robert: We have different backgrounds in jerk! If I ever see them, I’m gonna kill’em.” Petite: I mean, what does it sound like? terms of stuff but it works out. Petite: I did the same thing with an Jim: It’s like, paa-ur-paa-urm-crap-crap. Jim: A lot of the stuff I try to write is punk Exploding Hearts single. Frank: It’s like 1-2-3-4-SUCK! At 45 revo- rock but I want it to be interesting at the Robert: You should see our record reviews. lutions per minute, or wait, 33. same point. I would almost like to be in an Jim: Yeah, they’re pretty bad. Jim: Well, at 45 it’s like [read fast] 1-2-3-4- art rock band but like I can’t do that ‘cause I Petite: You guys review? SUCK! don’t have enough talent and I don’t really Robert: Yeah. Jim, Frank, and me. Petite: Like the Chipmunks? understand what they’re doing. I don’t think Jim: I’m horrible. I say the word “great” Jim: Yeah, but not that good. Not with that people in art rock bands do either, for that three times in every review. I’m like: “This much talent. matter. So it’s kind of like my attempt at record’s great. The record cover’s great. Robert: Kind of if like the chubby writing art rock songs, which I can’t do, so The drumming’s great.” Chipmunk, Theodore, had a solo project. it just comes out as punk rock songs with Robert: I actually don’t even talk about the Yeah, well, the record is out and it’s not these stupid parts that are just kind of differ- record. Like, if they have a shitty name, I’ll selling as well as we’d hoped. But hey, ent, I guess. talk about that and branch out off of that. what the heck. Robert: We use the punk idea ‘cause we’re Frank always has a cool catchphrase at the Petite: You guys said you sucked tonight all sort of retarded and we’ll always have end of each one but I’m sorry, you didn’t suck. I blame the that element. But then we try to make it Jim: Like, “I didn’t do it.” crowd. more than we really are and that’s when we Robert: Or “Check, please.” Robert: It wasn’t great. come out with what we have. It always Jim: Yeah, Frank, after we sucked tonight, Petite: I’ve seen you guys once before. Do stays simple, though. you should’ve been like, “Check, you guys remember the last time you played Petite: I wouldn’t think of you as arty. Do please!” here in LA at Johnny Fox’s? you guys think that? Frank: Class dismissed. 55

GEORGE SELDES: MUCKRAKER EXTRAORDINAIRE

ARTICLE BY JEFF FOX

eorge Seldes was born in 1890. He When the evening papers arrived, the Legitimate customers avoided the store. grew up on a farm in the small rural local laundry fire was on the front page, Business slowly picked up as Seldes’s Gtown of Alliance, New Jersey. His complete with a photo and a headline. The father explained to local doctors that the father had fled the pogroms of Tsarist failed Russian revolution was on page pharmacy had changed ownership. In time, Russia and settled in New Jersey with 40 three. Seldes learned a lesson about the the pharmacy became a meeting place for other immigrant families. He tried to unite news that day. As a newspaper owner local doctors and intellectuals interested in the farmers and create a Utopian agricultur- would later remind him – a dog fight down social change. Seldes’s father corresponded al community. However, a lack of coopera- the street is bigger news than 3,000 Chinese with Leo Tolstoy and Russian anarchist tion amongst the farmers caused the Utopia drowned in a typhoon. Peter Kropotkin. Guests at the Seldes house to fail. Seldes’s father was forced to move included the writer Maksim Gorki. Emma to Philadelphia and open a pharmacy to Goldman was reviled in her time for her earn a living. revolutionary and radical ideas (such as Seldes and his younger brother Gilbert allowing women to vote and teaching them stayed on the family farm, where they were about birth control). When no hotel in raised by various family members, includ- Pittsburgh would give her a room, she was ing their grandfather (one of the few edu- welcome in the Seldes’s apartment. cated men in the colony) and their grand- In 1909, Seldes got his first job at a mother, who was totally illiterate. newspaper, working as an apprentice at the He was encouraged by his father to Pittsburgh Leader. He submitted a story avoid reading juvenile books and to instead about the son of a local department store put together a library of literature. “All the owner. The man was on trial, accused of world’s civilization is to be found between raping the salesgirls who worked in his the covers of books,” he would say. father’s department store, most of whom In the summer, George and Gilbert kept quiet for fear of being fired. His city would spend a few weeks with their father editor told him to make a carbon copy of at his pharmacy in the city. It was here that the story. The copy was sent to the newspa- George had his first encounter with news- per’s business department. The paper didn’t paper reporters. run the story, but a few days later, the Seldes described his father as a libertar- department store doubled its advertising for ian, an idealist, a freethinker, a Deist, a the Sunday edition and the rate for the ad Utopian, a Single Taxer, and a worshipper had apparently gone up as well. of Thoreau and Emerson and also “a joiner hen Seldes went to report on the of all noble causes.” One of those noble divorce hearing of Andrew causes was an organization called The WMellon, a member of one of Friends of Russian Freedom, which advo- Pittsburgh’s richest families, he was sur- cated the overthrow of the Russian Tsar. prised that he was the only reporter in the When there was a failed Russian uprising in courtroom. He later found out that no paper 1905, reporters came to the pharmacy to get Seldes relocated to Pittsburgh with his in the city would mention the trial at all. the “local angle” from the elder Seldes. He family. His father bought an existing neigh- Frustrated by the suppression of the told the reporters that he believed the strug- borhood pharmacy whose owner promised news, Seldes gave the story for free to gle for freedom in Russia would continue him hefty profits every day. On the first newspapers and news services outside of and that The Friends of Russian Freedom morning of business, sure enough, there the area. One out-of-town newspaper were as dedicated as ever. The men raced to was a line of customers standing outside the shipped their edition containing the Mellon the telephones and called in the story. front door at 6 A.M. Each man had his divorce story to Pittsburgh. The papers “A country boy of fifteen, I had imag- money in hand and pointed at a drawer that were reportedly confiscated by police and ined reporters creating masterpieces and supposedly contained bicarbonate of soda. in some cases, newsboys were clubbed. brilliantly improving upon everything that Seldes’s father opened the drawer and was Seldes was working at the Post, while came to their attention,” said Seldes. He lis- mortified to find prepared envelopes his brother Gilbert was attending Harvard tened in amazement as the reporters actual- marked “Heroin 50¢” and “Cocaine $1.” on a scholarship. George and Gilbert were ly quoted his father verbatim. Then they He chased the men out of the store and told now living in very different worlds. College went on to describe a laundry fire that had them not to come back. Unfortunately, the was deemed unnecessary for most people in taken place in their neighborhood earlier in pharmacy was widely known as a dope those days. If you were smart, you didn’t the day. joint, so there was no other business. need college. You could make a living without it. It was only for fops and sons of ingly harmless story that would change the on Washington Square. Its owner had the idle rich. The reporters in Seldes’s course of his life. The manager of a travel- abruptly left town to avoid being arrested office shared that attitude. They squabbled ing theater troupe had skipped town with for getting his girlfriend an abortion. over free tickets to baseball games, fights, the company’s money. The actors had been Writers, artists, poets and radicals all vaudeville and burlesque. Comp tickets to thrown out of their hotel because they helped themselves to the house, with the legitimate theater went unclaimed, except couldn’t pay for their rooms. Their posses- owner’s blessing. Seldes found himself in by Seldes. Anything highbrow or related to sions were seized and the troupe was arrest- the social and intellectual epicenter for the art and culture was laughed at. ed. bohemians of the Village. There was drink- “If there was a college graduate among At the court hearing, Seldes became ing, dancing, discussions and poetry read- my hundred or more fellow reporters, he smitten with one of the actresses. She said ings most nights of the week. kept his sin a secret,” wrote Seldes. her name was Peggy and all she had were “On my very first day in bohemia, and Gilbert insisted that George would be the clothes on her back. She had no money, thereafter almost daily,” he wrote, “I heard an “ignoramus” all of his life unless he nowhere to stay and the hotel had all of her the older inhabitants sing their dirge, ‘The went to college. George didn’t agree. “I belongings. Seldes gave her the money to Village isn’t what it used to be,’ ‘The great told him that he could learn more about get her property back and the two got an days are gone.’ They blamed the disaster on human beings, more about the ‘world,’ apartment together a few days later. He pro- newspaper publicity, the influx of out- more about all human life, in fact, in three posed marriage to her, but Peggy said she landers...What and when the great days had weeks in Magistrate John J. Kirby’s Central was already married, although she claimed been I never learned. THE PAPER DIDN’T RUN THE STORY, BUT A FEW DAYS LATER, THE DEPARTMENT STORE DOUBLED ITS ADVERTISING FOR THE SUNDAY EDITION AND THE RATE FOR THE AD HAD APPARENTLY GONE UP AS WELL. Police Station courtroom. There every “But it was amusing sixty years morning the riffraff of the city, mostly later to read in The New Yorker Richard prostitutes, drunks, derelicts, and a few Harris’s report that “a decade ago muggers, appeared and heard the usual (1966) Greenwich Village was charges made by policemen, and Greenwich Village. It was a relatively ‘Judge’ Kirby’s sentence: ‘ten or ten’ small area, and it was a polyglot com- for first offenders, meaning a ten-dollar munity, to be sure, with artists and fine or ten days in the workhouse, or intellectuals...’ Each generation, each ‘thirty or thirty’ for habitual offenders.” age, mourns the preceding one, appar- The two struck a deal. George got ently.” Gilbert a job working at a paper in The news of his good fortune appar- Pittsburgh for the summer and George ently spread and one day Peggy would take a year off and take some showed up on his doorstep, crying and classes at Harvard. George was accept- asking his forgiveness. He took her ed into a class taught by Charles back and things seemed to go well – for Townsend Copeland, whose students a while. Then one day, right in front of would include writers such as Heywood Seldes, a well-off writer asked Peggy if Broun, T. S. Eliot, and Walter Lippman. she’d like to go away with him for a Copeland’s class only accepted about few weeks on vacation. She noncha- 25 students out of the hundreds that lantly packed her suitcase and left with applied. him. Other members of the class turned Seldes left for Europe, figuring that in sensitive intellectual think pieces for would be the one place Peggy could not their assignments. However, Copeland follow him. (Because of the World had instructed the students to write War, Allied Europe was closed to about what they knew, so Seldes turned everyone except diplomats and in a story called “The Black Cossacks.” reporters.) In his 1987 retrospective It was about the black shirt-clad private (above) American journalist expelled from Italy by book Witness To A Century, Seldes police forces that were owned by the Benito Mussolini. Seldes is at the bottom right. wrote, “I now find it ironic that what I coal and iron companies in western (facing page) George Seldes in 1914. thought was a ‘romantic’ episode could Pennsylvania. The rogue police were she and her husband were divorcing. have such strange results. Were it not for employed to “break strikes and heads,” When Seldes became the night editor of Peggy Keith I would probably have sometimes killing striking workers. They his paper, he worked from 5 P.M. until 6 remained in Pittsburgh the rest of my life ruled several counties in western A.M. and didn’t see Peggy very much. A and not had most of the adventures that Pennsylvania and were rarely arrested for few months into their relationship, he found make up this book.” their crimes. that a drawer in the kitchen was packed He joined the U.S. Army as a part of its “‘The Black Cossacks’ was based on a with cash. He often referred to reporting as press corps. The war correspondents of news event full of blood and violence,” “one of the oldest professions,” but he sus- other armies were given the rank of wrote Seldes, “But Copey liked it. He liked pected Peggy was actually practicing the Captain, but most of the American reporters it so much that one day, after talking to his oldest profession while he was at work. He said although they didn’t object to saluting class about ‘Harvard esthetes who take confronted her and she admitted it was true. superiors, they didn’t want to be saluted by three bites to a cherry,’ he read one of their Heartbroken, he went to the bank, emp- enlisted men. “We did not want the poor contributions, an ecstasy over a sunset, and tied his account and left town for New York doughboys, the fighting men, a number of then ‘The Black Cossacks.’“ City. whom would certainly lose their lives in a Seldes got an “A” in the class, but after In Manhattan, he stayed with a cousin few days or a few weeks, to be saluting us, a year at Harvard, he returned to Pittsburgh who showed him around the city and journalists, men who did not know one end and picked up his career as a reporter. helped him find work. The two of them of a rifle from another and could not even One day, he was sent to cover a seem- lucked into living quarters in a fancy house fire a revolver,” he wrote. 59 mpressed by the spirit of the doughboys The reporters met with the Hindenburg “There was no more to ask.” singing merrily in the face of death, in Frankfurt. The stout General greeted the Seldes and the other reporters were ISeldes tried to write about it. “I thought men courteously. However, he told them he arrested by the Army for going into this episode was humor for the Homeric would not answer any political questions, Germany. They were threatened with court gods,” he said, “I thought it the grandest noting, “I am a soldier.” Seldes wanted to martial and execution. The French premier thing I ever could write about the spirit of know what had won the war for the Allies, George Clemenceau supposedly lobbied our men. Nothing during the war had so but he wanted to pose the question as diplo- strongly for their public execution by firing stirred me... matically as possible, for fear of offending squad. The Army said they would not court “So the next day I did my best to draw the General. With the help of an interpreter, martial the men as long as they never ran this picture of heroic soldiers going back to he asked what ended the stalemate. A the story. the trenches singing ironically, ‘I didn’t lengthy explanation followed. Seldes later suggested that his post-war raise my boy to be a soldier,’ and laughing Hindenburg answered that the interview with Hindenburg, if released to as they marched. I though it grand wartime American infantry had ended the stalemate. the press, would have become worldwide stuff.” He said Germany could not have won the news and an indisputable part of the histori- When he turned in the story, the Army war after 1917. They might have taken cal record. He felt that public knowledge of censor said it was “damned pacifist propa- Paris, but the failure of world food crops the Field Marshal’s confession could have ganda... Yes, I know it is true, but it doesn’t and a British food blockade had crippled countered the Dolchstoss, one of Nazism’s matter. You can’t print that...” the entire country of Germany, which was foundations. (Dolchstoss was the idea that SELDES WOULD LATER ADVISE, “DO NOT COMPETE... FOR THE SAME SMALL INTELLECTUAL MINORITY – THERE ARE MILLIONS OF INTELLIGENT PERSONS WHO ARE NOT AFRAID OF THE WORD ‘TRUTH’ AND WHO WILL RECOGNIZE IT EVEN WHEN PRINTED ON CHEAP PAPER AND WITHOUT PICTURES.” After spending time attached to a U.S. Germany had lost World War I because of a division in battle, a cease fire order was “stab in the back” from German civilians, called for November 11th, 1918 at 11 A.M. Socialists, Communists and Jews – not Seldes watched in disbelief as the American because of anything that happened on the artillery let loose a massive assault just battlefield.) three hours before the cease fire: “[The Further proof that the suppression of infantry attack], despite dugouts and hel- news affected world politics is the case of mets and withdrawals, undoubtedly added the Spanish Civil War. Seldes claimed that hundreds of dead and thousands of wound- the Spanish Civil War was not a civil war at ed to the twenty million or more casualties all. He would know, because he was there – of World War I... The bewildered enemy in the midst of it as a reporter. According to was forced to reply, and so the killing con- Seldes, every reporter on assignment in tinued.” Spain could tell that this “civil war” was When the fighting finally stopped, sol- nothing more than a dress rehearsal by the diers on both sides walked out of their German and Italian armies – gearing up for trenches and stood in the middle of the another world war. bloody battlefield, shaking hands and swap- Although that was the story reporters ping souvenirs with their enemies. “For a were handing in to their editors, that story five-cent chocolate bar you could get a never made it to press. The Spanish Luger pistol,” wrote Seldes, “It was appar- Republic was redbaited in the press. Seldes ent that few, if any, thought of the millions says William Randolph Hearst ordered that dead, the hundreds of thousands of men the forces of the Spanish Republic should blown to pieces, the many more millions be referred to in his papers as “reds.” He wounded, the pain and suffering on a scale also ordered that Francisco Franco’s forces previously unknown in history.” Standing (above) Seldes surveying the ruins during should be referred to as “nationalists,” even in the eerily silent battlefield, Seldes and the Spanish Civil War. though their troops were supplied by his fellow reporters shook hands and (facing page) Field Marshall Paul von Mussolini and Hitler. Franco was champi- promised to dedicate the rest of their lives Hindenberg. oned in the American press for ridding to telling the truth about the war. Spain of these supposed Communists. The four men broke Armistice regula- gripped by widespread famine. When the If it seems unbelievable that American tions and drove into enemy territory to find American infantry attacked, always with newspapers would have supported fascists out the truth about the condition of fresh troops, all Germany had to counter like Franco (not to mention Mussolini and Germany and its people. While making with were the same weary soldiers. This Hitler), bear in mind that before World War arrangements to get to Berlin, one of the was when he knew the war was lost. II, fascist and anti-Semitic attitudes in the reporters casually mentioned to a German There was a moment of silence, then U.S were tolerated and accepted more than official that they would like to interview Hindenburg said, “Mein armes Vaterland, they are today. And Hearst’s affinity for the Field Marshal Von Hindenburg. Incredibly, mein armes Vaterland,” and began to weep. Nazis was no secret. He actually printed they were told that it could be arranged. “Hindenburg bowed his head and tears articles written by Hitler’s right-hand man, “It was almost as amazing as the flooded his pale, watery eyes,” wrote Herman Goering. Many American corpora- Armistice itself,” wrote Seldes, “To call on Seldes, “His huge bulk was shaken. He tions were eager to do business with these and interview the leader of the enemy, the wept for his ‘poor fatherland.’ fascist countries. The American press had second best-hated man in the world then, “We sat and wondered over so much even applauded Hitler and Mussolini for the General whose men were killing our emotion in a military leader supposedly bringing economic stability back to their men, the apotheosis of German frightful- devoid of sentiment and sentimentality. countries. ness, the incarnation of that which six days “Thus the interview terminated... A Seldes felt that if the war in Spain had before was all the evil in the world – such a fallen Colossus. A broken Superman. Blood been fairly reported, there would have been thought was beyond our khaki-clad minds.” and iron suddenly tears and clay. more support for the Spanish Republic from democratic nations and the fascists would sometimes sensational importance.” Hopkins study linking cigarette smoking to not have taken power in Europe so easily. Another rich source of story leads was increased health risks and premature death. He felt this could have delayed or even pre- the Federal Trade Commission. This gov- In Fact was the only press outside of scien- vented the start of World War II. ernmental agency published reports and tific journals that ran all the facts of the eldes grew tired of writing headlines. filed charges against companies with dan- study. Out of eight daily newspapers in He realized that the truth would gerous products and false advertising. Like New York City, only two ran anything Salways suffer if he had to answer to the Congressional Record, this FTC infor- about the study at all, amounting to only a an editor at a major paper. “Although no mation was not a “scoop.” The FTC’s find- few paragraphs in each paper. one worked on an assembly line,” he wrote, ings had been provided to newspapers. Again, the Johns Hopkins study was “we were still hired hands – and brains – They simply chose not to report them, most not a secret. The findings had been sent to directed by an owner, following orders, no likely for fear of offending their advertisers. every paper in America by three press ser- one a free agent. And so always one could Seldes defended the newsworthiness of vices. hear the younger and less sophisticated who his consumer fraud stories by saying, In Fact’s position on the subject of had not yet surrendered to the world, talk- “Because of the silence of the press the tobacco was decades ahead of its time. In ing over beer and bourbon about some day public is robbed... by the makers of bad an era when cigarettes were collected and owning a small newspaper, or a grass-roots sent to soldiers as a part of the war effort weekly, or being part owner, or at least a THERE WAS A MOMENT OF SILENCE, and cigarettes were given to starving contributor to some sort of publication that THEN HINDENBURG SAID, “MEIN Europeans as a part of the Marshall plan, would tell the truth. Seldes asked, “How can they justify more “Everyone spoke of ‘the chance of a ARMES VATERLAND, MEIN ARMES promotion in the news of a product, that lifetime,’ but for all except a very few it VATERLAND,” AND BEGAN TO WEEP. when used as directed, kills its consumer?” never came. Age, routine, the pleasures of he reason for the suppression of the the press club, a lot of liquor, marriage, and story seems clear. At the time, a huge hostages to fortune trapped the vast majori- Tportion of newspaper and magazine ty...” ad revenues came from tobacco companies. “I read the sage of Walden’s most gen- The four big cigarette brands spent what erally accepted truism: ‘The mass of men would be the equivalent of over lead lives of quiet desperation.’ ...I was $550,000,000 in today’s dollars on adver- determined to never be a member of the tising. In some cases, it was written into silent desperate majority.” advertising contracts that the publication Seldes and a few friends came up with must never write anything damaging about the idea of publishing a simple, four-page tobacco. newsletter. They would print overlooked Seldes said, “The tobacco advertisers news, straight, with no bias – just the facts. share with... automobile advertisers first In 1940, In Fact was founded. The belief place in spending money in newspapers and was that the American public did not need magazines. This is without a doubt the rea- to be sheltered from the facts. Seldes son the press suppressed the story. The believed in the words of Abraham Lincoln press is therefore part of a system spreading when he said, “I am a firm believer in the poison throughout our country.” people. If given the truth, they can be In Fact had many secret supporters, depended upon to meet any national crisis. many of whom worked for the very news- The great point is to bring them the real papers Seldes was criticizing. High-ranking facts.” editors and staffers for Hearst and Scripps- Seldes would later advise, “Do not Howard newspapers regularly contributed compete... for the same small intellectual news items to In Fact because they did not minority – there are millions of intelligent approve of the political policies of their persons who are not afraid of the word bosses. In Fact also got assistance from ‘truth’ and who will recognize it even when sources deep within the government. The printed on cheap paper and without pic- director of public relations for the tures.” Department Of Justice fed news items to In Reporters, frustrated by the suppression Fact. Supporters of In Fact included Harry of news by their editors, fed unprinted news food, bad drugs, and bad cosmetics; and it Truman (who was one of its first sub- items to In Fact, just as Seldes had done is cheated by false advertising and its health scribers), Vice President Henry Wallace when he was a reporter in Pittsburgh. By is menaced as well as its pocketbook. From and Eleanor Roosevelt. Senators, the time the fifth issue of In Fact was out, the cradle to the grave... Representatives and Supreme Court justices Seldes was flooded with tips and sup- “To defend the general welfare, merely also subscribed. pressed news items from reporters all over to report the news of general welfare inter- n addition to having loyal friends and the country. He had enough tips to fill 20 est, is to make enemies of big and little readers, In Fact naturally developed pages every week. business and all the advertising agencies; in Ipowerful enemies. One year, In Fact But some of Seldes’s best sources were other words, to bite the hand that feeds you. received complaints from many of its sub- not leaked news items or inside informa- And so long as newspapers live on money scribers. They said that their letter carriers tion, they were matters of public record, from sources outside their readers, so long were warning them to cancel their subscrip- such as the Congressional Record. Seldes will they be on the side of that money.” tions because the Federal Bureau of said, “This windblown daily publication of Although we like to believe that no one Investigation was watching them. One sub- the United States government consists knew about the dangers of smoking until scriber said there was a man stationed at his almost entirely of buncombe, larded with the 1960s, this is not the case. The scientific local post office whose only job was to reactionary propaganda. It is the most bor- evidence had been widely available for monitor which customers received certain ing publication in the world. And yet, the decades before it was generally reported by publications, including In Fact. hours of boredom are almost always the mainstream press. In January of 1941, Seldes sent a letter about the complaints rewarded by news items of great value, and In Fact ran a cover story about a Johns to FBI head J. Edgar Hoover. 61 Oddly enough, Seldes and Hoover had been has been made against me on the negative “This is to be expected when you let the corresponding in a cordial, yet adversarial charge that I myself have done no redbait- facts speak for themselves... manner for five years. (It had started when ing. There will be no baiting in In Fact, red “But no one has ever challenged our Seldes sent a letter to Hoover, telling him or otherwise.” statement that we print the facts (and fairly) about a fascist crackpot who was making American Communists boycotted In and that we stand ready – as the standard threats on the President’s life.) Hoover Fact when Seldes said that Communist press does not‚ to print corrections and assured Seldes that the FBI was not inter- North Korea was clearly the aggressor in keep the record straight (and honest)... ested in monitoring the mail of In Fact or the Korean War. They were mad that he “Your enemies, the reactionaries, are in keeping a list of its subscribers. would not follow the party line. He replied power in the press, in politics, everywhere. One day, through some strange turn of to the boycott by saying, “I am not a The voices against reaction are few and events, Seldes received an envelope from Communist. I do not follow the Communist small. You must decide now that you want his local post office branch. Inside was a Party line. I do not know what the phrase this publication to continue in this fight letter from the postmaster to the local FBI means. I follow no line but my own.” against reaction...” field office. It listed all the mail It was too late. The damage had received by Seldes’s wife, who was the “YOUR ENEMIES, THE REACTIONARIES, ARE already been done. Publication of In managing editor of In Fact. He never IN POWER IN THE PRESS, IN POLITICS, Fact ceased in October of 1950. found out if he got the letter by acci- “The idea of reaching a million dent or if he had been tipped off by EVERYWHERE. THE VOICES AGAINST Americans, my goal for my newsletter, someone at the post office. REACTION ARE FEW AND SMALL.” now collapsed entirely,” wrote Seldes. Nevertheless, he made a copy of the After decades of criticizing the letter and sent it to Hoover as solid press, not surprisingly, Seldes found evidence that the FBI was monitoring himself unable to find much work as a In Fact’s mail. There was no reply and newspaper writer. He wrote for a few Hoover never wrote to him again. independent newspapers, but his book His insistence on printing just the publishers had dropped him one by facts ultimately caused In Fact to be one. He released a few more books attacked from the Left as well as the with independent publishers through Right. He would print the truth about the years, but they were basically suppressed or false news regardless of ignored by the book sections of most what nation or faction it made look newspapers. bad. “From the day In Fact was found- Fortunately for Seldes, he lived a ed,” wrote Seldes, “I refused to coop- very long life. As he told one reporter, erate with either Left or Right. I quit “Living longer is the best revenge.” all organizations except the When he reached the age of 90, the Democratic Party (Connecticut) and press suddenly became interested in the American Civil Liberties Union.” him again. He said, “I cannot explain The Right attacked him with red- this change of heart except to say: if baiting. The reasoning went like this: you can make it to the magical age of anyone Left is a Communist and 90, all your sins are forgiven.” Communists are enemies of the United He was honored with headlines States. Therefore Seldes must be a reading, “Seldes at 90; They Don’t Communist and an enemy of the Give Pulitzers For That Kind of United States. They cited In Fact edi- Criticism,” “Muckraker Honored at torials that were written by Seldes’s 91” and “George Seldes At 94: A ex-partner as proof that In Fact was a Panorama of World History.” Communist paper. The accolades came because he Seldes was pro-labor and his fight had outlived his enemies, but sadly, he to print the truth frequently put him at also outlived his wife and all of his odds with the Right, but he had plenty friends. In his book Tell the Truth and of scorn for the Left as well. He was Run, he said, “The middle of the road no more fond of Leftist radicalism is a crowded place (and many on it are than he was of Rightist reactionism. crushed by the cars of Juggernaut, rad- He was definitely not a Communist (above) George Seldes at age 97. icalism and reaction, pushing sympathizer, much less a card-carry- inevitably to the Right and the Left). ing Communist. He had actually been Ironically, the Communist boycott During all these years of work and talk I expelled from the Soviet Union in 1922 for aided the Right’s attempts to destroy In had had a fine contempt for the frightening sneaking news to the outside world past Fact. The combination of the two attacks majority which traveled the middle of the Soviet censors. caused the circulation of In Fact to dwindle road. I had thought of myself as one of the Nevertheless, some columnists went so down to 56,000 from its peak of 176,000. non-conformists along the less-traveled and far as to report that a Russian agent stopped In Fact barely managed to stay in business rather lonely individual path of my choosing.” by Seldes’s office to pay his salary every in the end. It survived its last two years on He died in 1995 at the age of 104. week. It was a total lie, but he was power- the revenue brought in by selling copies of In 1996, a feature-length documentary less to counter the slander against himself Seldes’s books. about Seldes was released. Tell the Truth with a lawsuit. The cost of launching a n May of 1950, Seldes desperately and Run: George Seldes and the American slander suit was prohibitive. His lawyer pleaded with his readers not to abandon Press was nominated for an Academy said that even if he won, he would never Ithe publication: “We have been attacked Award. In the documentary, Seldes attests, see any money from the settlement. from both Right and Left; we have been “I assure you that life with a pur- Readers encouraged him to do some attacked for ‘following the Communist pose is the only way to live... redbaiting of his own to prove that he was line’ and we have been attacked by the Nothing can stop the march of an not a Communist. He refused. “An attack Communists for not doing so. informed people.” 63 didn’t seem like such bullshit. That was laid to rest by the time we pulled up to the Go Mart in Madison. I got out, went over to the pay phone, and made the call. Hasil picked up on the other end, “Hello.” “Hello, Mr. Adkins?” I said. “This is him.” “Mr. Adkins, this is Bradley. We’ve talked a few times and now I’m over in Madison.” “You in Madison?” “Yes sir. We needed to get directions to your place.” “Well, you need to head back about ten miles until you come to a sign that read ‘Bull Creek.’ When you see that there’ll be this wide spot where the truck turn around. Just pull over there and ask somebody. They’ll put you right on top of me.” “Just ask somebody?” “They’ll put you right on top of me.” “Is there a store or something?” “No. Just ask somebody.” “Is there a house?” “There should be somebody there.” “And they’ll know where to find you?” “They always seem to.” “We’ll see you shortly.” We drove back down the road until we came across a sign bearing the name “Bull Creek.” Half the sign was spray painted over. There was a wide spot in the road but nothing more. We pulled off on the side of the road and looked around. On up the creek Water trickles down from the rocks emailed me. Two weeks later, I was on a bed there was someone fishing. We started along the side of the road. We haven’t plane to the east coast where I was to meet to drive down the dirt road. Eventually, we passed anyone except a few boys riding four up with my friend, Matt, and drive over and saw a broke-down bus, a house with numer- wheelers. We’re high up in the mountains into the hills of West Virginia. All of it in ous spray painted signs, and polka-dot van. of West Virginia. We could well be on our search of a man who now is even more of a That had to be the place. It took us a few way to go camping or for some hunting, but mystery of complexities and ideas than he more minutes until we found the driveway. we’re not. We’re looking to find a man who was before I sat down on the bench in his As we pulled up to the house, about some say is one of the greatest known, liv- living room. four dogs ran out from under a trailer and ing country singers. Not only is he a great The road runs along the tops and the started barking. We got out. country singer but one of the greatest and edges of the mountains for hours. The air is “Mr. Adkins,” I hollered. most well known one man bands ever. clean. The sky is clear. It is the start of fall “Hush it,” came a voice from inside the Period. This man has the power to bend and the forest is all yellow, red, and green. trailer, apparently meant to quiet the dogs. things into shapes that most people have It goes like this for a while until the road “Come on in,” said the voice again. never thought to exist. Crooked rock’n’roll. winds down to the base of the mountains. The dogs retreated to under the trailer. I That stuff which flows out of us and we The road runs alongside a small creek and a pushed the screen door aside. The room was don’t know where or why and that don’t conveyer belt used for hauling coal which is filled with smoke, and it shone in the rays matter as much as the fact that it’s here, and ripped from the mountains. Coal for the of sunlight that came through the window. it don’t look right. It don’t fit with what electricity to read at night by. We pass Sitting in a chair with a cigarette in one everyone else is doing. It’s got its own through small communities. The thought hand and a beer in the other was Hasil. blood and sometimes it don’t look of this that the rest of the country doesn’t even We said our how do you do’s and then I world. know this place exists and the lives here go asked him if he we could start the interview. We’re still driving down the road. In unheard pass through my mind. This area I took out my tape recorder. He looked at it my lap is a piece of paper, and on it is a and other places like it are only whispers in and said, “What’s that for?” phone number. The name of town the town our minds. The road follows the creek bed. “To record us talking,” I told him. is Madison. The number is for Mr. Hasil The conveyer belt runs. After a while I start “No. No. You a writer ain’t you? Then Adkins. We have no address. to notice the train tracks. They run together get out your pen and paper and start About eight months prior to this I was through the hills and through towns, which writin’.” at work. I had access to a computer that was after each name is the word “unincorporat- It was over, I thought, and as I reached hooked up to the internet. I was bored and ed.” Not really a town? Maybe. We roll on. for my pen and paper Hasil started laugh- somehow got the idea to start emailing peo- I had written to Jim and asked for an ing. ple who I felt sure would never write me address. Jim wrote back saying that an “Oh. I told you you could record me, back. Hasil Adkins was one person on that address wouldn’t do us much good, that it didn’t I? Just no video cameras.” list. The way it went was that I wrote, not to was best to drive into Madison, call Hasil I looked up at him. He was smiling. I Hasil, but to a gentleman named Jim Trocci, up and then he’d “guide” us from there. I knew he’d been fucking with us. He took a Hasil’s manager. I didn’t get a response for thought about what a bunch of bullshit that long pull off his Budweiser and followed it 64 about five months. Jim sounded like and then, at the same time, it up with a cigarette. Hasil: I been working over here at the Wyoming County, Boone County, Raleigh songs you think you’ve written so far? Opry. I want you to hear some of this what I County, Logan County, day and night, Hasil: I’ve got over 7,000 already, and I’m been working on. Playing everything about fifteen, twenty years of that. This was getting ready to start up again. Once I get myself. I ain’t gonna but try to play twelve a long time ago. It went over good. We had my horn up, I’m gonna try to put down to twenty instruments all by myself at the some good times. another 2,000 more. [Hasil laughs to him- same time. Bradley: How long you been playing as a self.] Bradley: Twelve to twenty? one man band? Bradley: How many records have you put Hasil: Doing pretty good with it. I ain’t got Hasil: When I started at six years old, I was out now? You’ve been putting them out for ‘em all in here. Got a big rack. Got to put playing on a milk can. You didn’t see no the past – what would you say – fifty years? ‘em on where I can get to ‘em and blow ‘em guitars back in here then. One old fella had Hasil: First one come out in 1961. A 45. and all this and that and everything. I run a one. He wouldn’t let nobody fool with it. “She’s Mine” b/w “Chicken Walk,” and I test on ‘em and see what they sound like. He had a Gibson D-45. I’d like to have that had about sixteen 45s. I don’t know how Pretty good. Gibson. Hell, man, you can sell that and get many it is now. I lost count of it. Bradley: That’s pretty hard. I’ve seen a a lot of money off it. Bradley: Did you ever play with Merle guy, he sat down with a guitar and he had a Bradley: You started playing on a milk Haggard or Waylon, any of them? bass below it. He played bass with his feet, can? Hasil: No, no. I’ve played with Kentucky but all he had was strings. Hasil: Yeah, well, a baking powder can. Slim. You ever heard of him? He was real Hasil: I play a piano, organ, and stuff with You know what that is? It’s got a brass big. I played with him some, and a lot of your elbows. Get it in the right place. whisk up in there. They used to have it others. Pretty big bands, some of them. Bradley: What got you started doing the where you had to put it in. Now they mix it Bradley: What was the first song you one man band? all up. Milk can and a baking powder can, learned to play? Hasil: Couldn’t find nobody to play with four or five lard buckets, a ten-quart water Hasil: “Mule Skinner Blues,” Bill me. That’s why I started. bucket, and a washtub. It just keep coming Monroe’s songs, Roy Acuff, old Jimmy Bradley: You just couldn’t find nobody? up till I got a hold of a guitar. ‘Cause you Rodgers, “T for Texas.” They used to have There wasn’t nobody around? didn’t see no guitars on this whole big terri- a lot of blues singers, but you didn’t hear Hasil: Oh yeah, there was good dancin’ tory here. too much blues in this part of the country. If bands. Crazy one-two-three-four beat, six Bradley: Did you make instruments out of you had the radio you could get ‘em coming beat, and twelve beat and all that – I can do them cans or were you beating on them like out of Nashville, WLAC. They was on that that – that didn’t do anything for me. I did- drums? for years. Way up in the ‘50s, then Chuck n’t like to play thataway – the way they Hasil: I made them. I made a lot of things. Wey come along and they went out. There’s played. They all in a time beat an’ all that. All kinds of contraptions and things to beat stations and all, but they don’t play no more Bradley: You can play about twenty instru- on and play on, and pick on. Turned out rock or nothing. It’s all religious music. ments at once? pretty good. Hasil: I’m going to. Twelve to twenty. Bradley: Did you ever That’s a lot of instruments. I mean, they’re play the washtub bass? different things – they’re not the same, you Hasil: You like them? know, instrument. Ah, it’ll come out pretty Bradley: Yeah, they’ll good. I’m rigging this up were I can play it wear you out. all. Hasil: Them jugs is pretty Bradley: I’ve seen some photos of you with good where you go [act- some different names. ing like he’s blowing into Hasil: Do what now? a jug] doot doot doot, you Bradley: Sometimes you have a different know, play the bass on name on the front of your drum. It’s always them jugs, like they put been “Hasil Adkins,” but sometimes it’s moonshine in? They done been, “Hasil Adkins and His One Man a lot of that back in here, Band,” or “Hasil Adkins and His Happy too. I made that guitar. Guitar.” What all names have you gone by See that bottom picture, in the past? that lower picture, right Hasil: Same thing, my name, but I had there? [points to a picture “The Lone One” on my drums. We’re try- on the wall] ing to get a western out of that – The Lone Bradley: I’ve seen that One. I traveled by myself for years and photo before. I thought it years. You know, just me all by myself, looked homemade. You puttin’ on shows and stuff. It’s always been still got it? a one man band. Just writings on the drum Hasil: No. and stuff like that, different wordings. Bradley: What happened Bradley: So, when you were touring like to it? that with yourself, would you just pack up Hasil: I traded it off years the car and go? ago. I don’t even know Hasil: I used to. I don’t do that no more. I who I traded it to now. sang all over the place, home to home, Bradley: Got any more house to house, and joint to joint. You around that you made? know, just any place you can get to sing. Hasil: Nuh uh. I just Bradley: Where all have you been? All made that one and quit. over the US? Europe? Don’t make ‘em. I’ve got Hasil: Oh, you name it. Any place you can a lot I broke up and every- think of. All over Canada and the United thing, trying to put on States. I used to play here in the ‘50s and shows. ‘60s, all these clubs up and down these Bradley: How many rivers in and around the territories. Let me show you something. What do Hasil: Well, that Slop, I made that for Hasil: He looks like a robot, don’t he? He’s you think of this? [Hasil reaches over beside drunks, ‘cause I played so much in the got that phone hanging down in the front. his chair and picks up a plastic turtle. He joints. It used to be beer joints. There was- Bradley: He’s got a drum machine that he presses a button. Music starts to play from n’t no clubs up in here at all. They’d come runs with it, too, I think. the turtle’s plastic shell, and its arms, head, in thinkin’ they could dance and just fallin’ Hasil: He’s got them push buttons on the and tail start to move. The song is some- every whichaway. I said, “I’ll fix them up.” floor. thing like, “You got to slow down/you’re Yeah, it is. That’s the reason I made that Bradley: He’s got some crazy stuff that I moving too fast/you’ve got to slow down Slop, so you could just go left or right or don’t understand, but there’s a band up in and let the moment last/you’re working too fall down or anything you ran into. Hell, Portland, Oregon, I think, and they call hard/you know it’s true/you got to slow they liked it, so that’s the only thing that themselves the Hunches. down and make time for you.” Words of counts. Hasil: Yeah, yeah, I heard about them, but I wisdom from a plastic turtle. He sat the tur- Bradley: How about the Hunch? How’d ain’t seen them yet. Jim was telling me tle on the floor and it walked a little, then that come about? about them. He said they put on a pretty paused to sing the lyrics, then it would start Hasil: Well, years ago I had two girls with good show, too. He seen them out there in to walk again.] Boy, who ever made this, its me all the time, back in the ‘50s. That was Georgia when they came through there. You tail, head, feet everything moves. before they started any of this titty doings, like them Straightjackets? Somebody’s done a lot of work on that. and they were good dancers. I already had Bradley: Los Straightjackets? Bradley: I’ve seen the singing bass, singing the songs made up. They said, “Haze, let’s Hasil: Yeah, they gonna be in Minnesota Heck, when you don’t know what you’re doing, you’re liable to come out with anything. deers, and singing turkeys, but I ain’t seen go with you and do it.” I said okay. So I sometime this coming week. My girlfriend one of these. Where’d you pick it up at? took them along and people just went wild. said, “Yeah, they told me where they gonna Hasil: My girlfriend sent it to me, from They could really do it. I tell you I ain’t be up there.” They’re friends of mine. Minnesota. Everybody likes that thing and I seen nobody dance the way they could They’re crazy with what they do. I’ve seen do, too. I got them fish. I got all kind of dance. They was good at it. them on TV a lot. They’re on the late shows talkin’ things, sanging things, and walking Bradley: What’s it mean, the Hunch? I’ve a pretty good bit. things. heard things, but I want to hear it for real. Bradley: You ever been on TV? Bradley: I’ve never seen that one, though. Hasil: Don’t feel bad. That judge over at Hasil: Uh huh. Yeah, different channels, Hasil: It’s something else, ain’t it? They Charlotte, big judge, he didn’t know what it different disks, I couldn’t tell you what all. done a lot of work on that, man. Everything was. My lawyer had to tell him. He said, Bradley: I haven’t seen it but I’ve been told on that moves. There’s a lot of figuring out “Can you believe he didn’t? He’s eighty or about a video. to get that thing to do all that. eighty-two years old and said he don’t even Hasil: The Wild World of Hasil Adkins, Bradley: You’ve got a lot of stuff around in know what the Hunch is.” He said, “Oh, the they call it. People like to hear it, they do. here. secretary had to go tell him what it was.” Everybody that’s seen it said, “I liked that.” Hasil: I lost all my stuff out there in my Bradley: What about younger bands? You Bradley: I was in LA and I tried to find it. house, the Hasil Motel, everything in it. I got a Bob Log III picture on the wall. You’d figure you could get it in LA. had it loaded. See that picture, at the bottom Hasil: I met him in LA. We played at that Hasil: It’s on the market. It’s pretty wild, over there, over top that Harley Davidson record shop. I can’t think of the name of it, but it’s pretty good. stereo over there? That was my room, but but it’s a big record shop. He opened up for Bradley: When I talked to you on the the whole house was thataway. Looked like us when we was up there putting on shows, phone a while back, you said you been you throwed it in there. and playing that record shop and every- working. What all you been working on? Bradley: What happened to it all? thing. Hasil: Everything. I’m a mechanic a lot. I Hasil: It all ruint on me. I moved out and Bradley: Was it Amoeba? worked on a lot of cars, but it’s too hard. the thing went to leaking and all that, and it Hasil: I don’t know. I can’t remember. I I’m getting up in years. I work on them all… well, I didn’t have time to get it all been through so much, man. It’s hard to sometimes, just not too much. I’m mostly out. remember anything. It was a big record working on this big room with a twelve to Bradley: Did there come a storm or some- shop, though, a real big one. We had a ball twenty piece band. Buddy, that’s a full-time thing? there. That’s were I met him at. I’d heard job trying to figure out how to play it all Hasil: No, the house was getting old and about him, but that’s where I met him. and that’s all at the same time. went to leaking and all that. Over the years, Bradley: He’s good, huh? Bradley: You want anything from the it just kept leaking and leaking and ruint it Hasil: He smoke that pot like it’s going out store? all. of style. I said, “You smoke up?” He said, Hasil: You could get about a twelve pack of Bradley: My friend Megan wanted me to “Yeah, buddy.” Have you met him? beer, Budweiser. That don’t make me feel ask you if you still got women fighting to sit Bradley: Through some friends of mine, too bad. Sometimes it don’t. When you go next to you? the Immortal Lee County Killers. They out, go down the road, right down there on Hasil: Yeah. That’s the reason I hide out played with him in LA and I met him. your right. It ain’t too far down. around here. I don’t get out. Hasil: You met Bob Log? What’d you think Bradley: My buddy one time told me that Bradley: You know most all these people of him? Budweiser stood for “Because U Deserve up and down through here? Bradley: Well, I’d never seen him play What Every Individual Should Enjoy Hasil: Yeah, I know ‘em all, yeah. It don’t before and my buddy JR says, “Bradley, Regularly.” Budweiser. pay to get out sometimes. They too crazy. this is Bob. Bob, this is Bradley,” and I said, Hasil: This is about the best beer you can Them women will run you crazy, I tell you. “Pleased to meet you,” and then I walked get. Everybody drinks it. They will if you don’t watch ‘em. around front and he came out on stage in a Bradley: My friend Megan said that in that Bradley: I try but they get to me some- jump suit with a motorcycle helmet on, and video you was jumping on a car for percus- times. What about the Slop and the Hunch? started out all boom boom boom boom sion, and she wanted to know how you (two dances Hasil pioneered) boom… found out that a car made the perfect per- 66 cussion instrument. They couldn’t even write lead sheets to started his own company. It’s what he Hasil: I just done it. I mean, they was a- my music. They tried it that way, way back should have done a long time ago. [Hasil filmin’ and what, and I just done it, and they in the early sixties. Them people in gets up and pulls a tape from many lying filmed it. They filmed a lot of stuff. But Hollywood, they done that on a lot, and about the table. The songs are “Tell Me they didn’t use it. They got enough to come they said, “We have to put it in a beat.” Why” and “You’re My Blue Star.”] What out with all kinds of videos. It ain’t but They don’t know. There’s so many beats in do you think about that? You think it might about thirty minutes long, that video. They it. I believe if they knew what they were have a chance nowadays? It should. See should have made it at least an hour, forty- doing they could do something with it, but what you think about this blues here. [Puts five minutes anyway. But they just made it they couldn’t. They couldn’t do nothing. in another tape.] They done a good job on it. thirty minutes. They say, “We can’t do anything with it. They missed it but added a dub. Bradley: Why’d they make it so short? We can’t write what you’re putting down, Hasil: Here’s my girlfriend, see what you Hasil: Don’t ask me. I don’t know. They but we can write it in patterns.” That old think of her. She wrote this song about me. I had a lot of good shots they should have put same patterns they got out. That’s the rea- told her I’m gonna put her to work. Just in it, but they didn’t put ‘em in it. son people said, “They’ll never computerize wait till I get the one woman band going. Bradley: Another thing Megan wanted me your music.” I said, “I know. Every song She said, “You wouldn’t do me like that.” I to ask was if you know that band Social come out is different.” They start working said, “Yeah, I am.” Distortion. with them computers, they gonna waste Bradley: What’s her name? Hasil: What now? their life. They said, “They can’t computer- Hasil: Amy. Crazy Amy. See what you Bradley: The band called Social think of this. [Hasil gets up and puts in Distortion. another tape. Music starts up. Crazy Hasil: I’ve heard of them, but there’s Amy is rockin’ on the radio. Matt’s so many of ‘em out there it’s hard for still gone to the store to get beer. When me to remember all of ‘em, too. I’ve he walks in his eyes are wide.] That’s heard of ‘em, yeah. pretty good for hadn’t ever seen me. Bradley: Well, the cover for your She’s seen my movies and heard my album Peanut Butter Rock ‘n’ Roll, records and stuff. She wrote me a letter they did a cover for this album called and sent that to me. That’s how we got Somewhere Between Heaven and to know each other. She sent me a tape Hell. Have you seen it? (The covers of it. are very similar.) Bradley: She send you that turtle, too? Hasil: They come out with so many. Hasil: Yeah, later on she did. To tell I ain’t seen it. I bet this is one you me to slow down. I said, “What do you ain’t seen. [Hasil goes to the back of mean, ‘slow down’?” [to Matt] Have the trailer and brings out an LP.] She you ever seen one of these? [Hasil Said is the name of that one. starts up the turtle that plays and crawls Bradley: How old were you when across the floor.] Some people thinks they took those pictures? it’s real. Somebody done a lot of work Hasil: I was twenty-three. on that thing right there, to make every- Bradley: How old are you now? thing work. Head, legs, tail, everything Hasil: I was sixty, seventy years old moves. Turtles don’t go fast, anyway. when that one came out. Bradley: You do a lot of your record- Bradley: All these photos were right ing in here? out here in the yard? Hasil: Got that four track over there. Hasil: Yeah, right out there in front You ever seen a Harley Davidson of the house. stereo. I got the whole outfit. Radio, Bradley: How long you been in this TV, everything. You ever seen them? house? Bradley: Nuh uh. This is like a muse- Hasil: I’ve been here since ‘47. um in here. That’s a few years ago, ain’t it? Hasil: That’s what everybody says. Bradley: Yeah. You’re hidden here. You ought to of seen my house before When we came up to the spot in the road to ize your music. I’m sick of computerized it all went down out there. It was loaded. I turn off, we couldn’t see you. Most people music. I love your kind of music. You just lost all that. I had everything. You see that wouldn’t know you were here. play what comes on your mind and go with thing hanging on the door? [Points to some Hasil: I know. it.” If they could, they’d computerize it, but sort of zombie mask that hangs on the wall.] Bradley: So what happened with the other they cain’t. They already tried it – they There’s one in the back hallway. He’s the people that you played with? You just did- cain’t. same way. He watches. Look at his eye- n’t like the beats they was playing? Bradley: It defies technology. It kicks it balls, the way he’s got them rolled. He’s got Hasil: Well, they were playing the same back. an eye on you. [Meanwhile, the musical tur- pattern. It’s the same patterns ever since the Hasil: It’s just what I started with. I just tle is playing its fourth round of “Slow world began, I guess. I can play that. If I went to playing. What it is, I just want to do Down.”] had tapes, I’d show you. But that didn’t do what I want to do. You start playing with a Bradley: You had some paintings that you anything for me. I wanted to just go when I band, you have to wait till they come in, used to do? got ready. It just never done anything for tang-tang-tang and all that junk. I say, Hasil: Huh, do what now? me. If I have to do that, I ain’t interested in “Well, you’re too slow for me, man, and Bradley: You used to do some painting playing. I just want to sit down and play. you’re doing that fast.” They said, “You with spray paint? You know, just go through with it. I don’t won’t get nobody to play with you ‘cause Hasil: Yeah. Polka dotted car, there, in that want to fool around with one-two-three- you’re moving too fast.” I said, “That’s movie. four-five-six-eight-ten beats, just go when what you think. I can play with myself.” Let Bradley: What got you into that? you get ready and go with it. It’s working, me play you some of these, what we’re Hasil: I’m gonna polka dot that limosine. too. It’s catching on. working on getting out, me and Jim. He Jim’s. He said, “Polka dot it. I 67 Bradley: When was that think of this. [The music starts in.] This is one recorded, the one just live. This is the show where I made it up. now, “Clinton Blues”? They said, “What do you do, make ‘em up Hasil: Back in the back on the spot?” I said, “Yeah.” [The song room there. goes on and it gets to a part where Hasil is Bradley: How long ago? doing the voice of the girl trying to explain Hasil: It ain’t been too long. to her man why she isn’t wearing clothes.] [Another song starts up on That’s when she been hanging out all night the tape deck.] and wants to come back. She’s running Bradley: How many guitars around naked and come back here wantin’ you got here? to go back inside and I said, “Get out!” She Hasil: I’ve had about must have been pretty drunk or something. eighty-something all togeth- Bradley: That really happen? er. Broke about seventy Hasil: Yeah. How you like my guitar? [It’s something, trying to put on at a part in the song were Hasil is doing the a show. guitar solo with his mouth. Hasil sings a Bradley: What’s up with new guitar part over the stereo. Then anoth- the pickup on this one? Did er song starts off.] you make it yourself? Hasil: Here we go. Some of these songs are Hasil: Yeah, all of them. messed up. Listen at the words to it. I had to That guitar there, I bought do this buddy with a baseball bat. I ain’t that in Baltimore. They just kidding. Them ballplayers like this. [Hasil made twenty-five hundred. starts singing in his own voice.] “I don’t tell That’s the reason I don’t them of the nights I cried without you. I say want to tear it up. I laid it just someone I used to know.” [He starts down. Five or ten people singing a duet with himself in a woman’s said, “Do you see that he voice.] “Your lies don’t tell them how lost I laid the guitar down?” They am without you. I’ll say it’s just someone I didn’t know what to think. used to know.” [Sings in his own voice.] They ain’t ever seen me. “Now, honey, this last time you left on your Bradley: That’s a pretty own. I want to tell you this. Next time you don’t care. It’s going anyway.” I said, guitar. come back I’m taking this baseball bat. And “Alright, I will.” We gonna make it loud Hasil: It’s made pretty, ain’t it? Whoever you’re gonna leave on your own, ‘cause I’m going down the country. Can paint it. “What designed that, I think they done a good job gonna run you off with this baseball bat. they’re in, you can’t miss them. You can on it. It’s a good guitar too, it is. [Hasil puts You won’t come back no more. And you see ‘em coming for miles.” I just love my in the song, “Play With Your Play Pretty.”] won’t have to worry about this baseball bat. polka dots. You know Jimmy Rodgers, way Bradley: Why do you write songs about You don’t know. I’ll run you out the door, back in the ‘20s and ‘30s? He was the one peanut butter? hollerin’ and a-screamin’, sayin’, “Hey, who made a song about that. He’s got some Hasil: The kids love to eat peanut butter. I he’s trying to kill me with the baseball bat.” songs out. He’s got that “Polka Dot Blues.” got a lot of songs about peanut butter. So please, honey, don’t come back no more. That used to be famous way back then. Everybody likes that peanut butter. [Starts I can’t stand it. It’s just about to run me Then here it come back in again, then it talking about a song that’s playing.] I done nuts. Plum insane. [Mouths out the guitar went back out. Shirts and pants was all that in Baltimore, about that girl Amy. She parts and the tape cuts off in the middle of polka dotted. Loud, man. Can see you com- spent fifty thousand dollars calling me. I the ending, and goes into “Do the Scalp.”] ing for miles with the polka dots. [Hasil gets said, “Give me that money, man. Quit call- Bradley: How do you do the scalp? up and grabs another tape.] This song’s ing, just holler at me.” I get to rockin’, then Hasil: Take your cap an’ wack you head. about Clinton. I was testing. See what you I slow it down. They said, “I don’t know Bradley: What’s your dogs’ names? think about mine. This is just about two or what to think.” I waited about two months Hasil: Spot, Molly, Puppy, and Rat. three more pieces. I’m gonna play twelve or before I called her. I said, “I didn’t know Bradley: Is Rat the little white one? twenty, but see what you think of this. whether to call you or not. You might be Hasil: He is a rat, sure. If Rat could beat “Clinton Blues.” Working on the blues crazier than I am. I had to figure it out.” She you to death, he will. He’s worth three hun- sound. We’re gonna campaign, too, out said, “I didn’t think you’d ever call me.” I dred dollars. But I wouldn’t give you a dime there. [laughter] said, “Oh yeah, I got around to it.” I had to for him. You have to pamper him. I say, Bradley: Hasil for president. [The music study it a long time. [A harmonica blasts in “You don’t get pampered here. I’ll get a starts up. For those of you who haven’t the background. It’s a sad song and we’re club on you. You straighten up.” heard this song, it’s Hasil Adkins on drums, downing Budweiser.] Bradley: When we pulled up, he tried to guitar, vocals and saxophone all at the same Bradley: So when’s this new record com- jump through the window. time.] How were you doing that? Playing a ing out? Hasil: Oh, you know how high they can saxophone while you’re playing the guitar? Hasil: Pretty soon. We’re working on one. jump? They can jump as high as your shoul- Hasil: Yeah, and I was whistling. I’m Me and Jim is trying to get one. der. They can. That sucker can jump. He’s gonna play about twelve instruments. Bradley: Where is Jim? part rabbit. Them rabbits are hard to catch. Twelve to twenty. I’m rigging them up in Hasil: North Georgia. He likes my music. He’s fast. the back room. I’ve got to rig them up That’s what it is. He does. He loves it. He’s Bradley: A rabbit dog. [There’s another across there where I can get to them. tickled to death. Every show I’ve played, song playing. It’s got a guy playing fiddle Bradley: Can we take a look at the set-up he’s counting every one. with Hasil.] you got? You got them all rigged up? Bradley: Really? Hasil: Listen to that fellow there. That fel- Hasil: No, no. I’m rigging them back there. Hasil: Yeah, he’s counting every one. [At low trying to play that fiddle with me. He’s I’ve got to tape them and tie them on and this point, there’s lots of background noise good on that fiddle, but he said, “If you everything so they won’t come off. See coming from Hasil’s tape deck.] “Who show me the song, I can help you.” I said what you think about some of this blues Took Your Clothes Off?” See what you “I’m making it up myself. stuff. 69 Let’s go with it. We doing it this way.” He thirty years old now and he’ll be dead before what I could get out of it today.” said, “I ain’t ever done this before.” I see him. I said, “You’ll be dead before Bradley: Did you get to talk to her? Bradley: Mr. Adkins, is there any way I you’re forty, drinking like that.” I mean, Hasil: Yeah. She tried to sell me one of could get you to play me a song? I ain’t ever buddy, it’s like this. [Hasil sizes out a cup them records. I said, “I ain’t got no money.” seen you play. I’ve just heard you on records with his hands.] Big ‘ol cups. He’s worse I didn’t have none. I said, “We’re out here and stuff. than Hank Williams drinking. And Jack trying to win everything we can to get by.” Hasil: No. Have you seen this album any Daniel’s, he loves it. I said, “Oh, I got sick Eating hamburger, hotdogs, anything we can place? on that. I can’t look at it no more.” I can’t eat. Matt: No, no. drink no liquor. I was drinking five fifths Bradley: What did she say to that? Hasil: It’s off the market. Come out in and four liters in twenty-four hours. Of Hasil: She didn’t say nothing. She knew England with that. They done a good job on vodka. That vodka will kill you, too. I talked how it was ‘cause she was hungry, too, over that. A real good job. You lay that sucker to the doctor. He said, “Don’t you know you there, trying to get someplace. I was on that down any whichways, you can see it when could get sick?” I said, “Why do you think same label. They never did get nothing out. you walk in the shop. I think they done the I’m in here?” He said, “You can’t do that!” I [pauses] We never did get the tape to them best job on that than what they did on any said, “I’m trying.” Drink beer or wine or is what it was. We tried to, but we could album I got out. I got all kinds of them out something – anything. I ain’t drunk no never get nothing cut. A recording, man, but I think that’s the best one they done. I vodka in over two years now. you had to go miles and miles here before I’m mostly working on this big room with a twelve to twenty piece band. Buddy, that’s a full-time job trying to figure out how to play it all and that’s all at the same time. sold all mine and had a time trying to get Bradley: Congratulations. you could find a studio or anything. that one. My girlfriend had to get that. She Hasil: That vodka will kill you. My girl- Matt: What was the closest one from here? said, “I’ll get you one.” You have to buy friend stopped that. She said, “No more Hasil: Lexington, Kentucky, and that’s a them off people. You can’t buy them off the vodka.” I said, “Is that right?” pretty good ways from here, you know. market. Bradley: So she sent you that turtle to tell Back then it was. Bradley: This is the only one you got? you to slow down? Is that why she sent you Bradley: Have most of your recordings Hasil: That’s the only one I got. the turtle? been done here? Bradley: I just got The Lonesome Sounds of Hasil: Yeah. [laughter] From Minnesota. Hasil: Most of them, yeah. Oh, I’ve done Hasil Adkins. It’s got the drum on the cover. Out in that cold country. I said, “Well, it them all over the country now, but way Hasil: You got Drinking My Life Away? gets cold here, but not like it does up there.” back, most of them were done here. I’ve had Bradley: No, I don’t. Man, it gets cold up there. She said it was a lot of people say, “I like all them, man. Hasil: It’s a CD. People likes that one, they real pretty today, though. She said, “Oh, it’s You go a way back. They were raw, and, do. I like that one, too. That one there’s got been warm,” and this and that. “I went and man, I like that raw sound you got.” I cut some good ones on it. “DPA Up on the washed the car.” them on a tape recorder, most of them. I had Moon.” [In a high voice] “I like peanut but- Bradley: Yeah, last night it got in the ‘50s. a wall recorder. Boy, you get that stuff in a ter too.” That’s how it goes. They come out Coldest I’ve seen it in a while. I don’t get tangle and it’s just like a string of your hair. with that back in ‘85, kept it on the market cold in LA. It gets to tangling up and then it goes into a until ‘92, then took it off. The contract went Hasil: I know. I know. whole ball. And I get a ball that big around out. They’re getting ready to come out with Bradley: It stays too sunny. [sizes it with his hands], about that high, and it again. That’s been a long time ago. Hasil: I was out there in 1956. LA. I almost on each side of the reels, you know – rolling Bradley: That’s been about 10 years. The walked out there. Well, I didn’t walk out up – get it tangled so you couldn’t use it, same people gonna put it out again? there. I almost walked back. [laughter] On and that was it. You’d have to throw it Hasil: Nuh uh. You remember the man that desert I almost burnt up – Arizona and away. Boy, it was clear as a bell, to be that named Sting? He’s the one that designed Los Angeles, all through out the territory – far back. If I had them now, I’d play you that. Out of London, England. He’s the one trying to get a break. some. Way back in ‘48, ‘48 and ‘50 and ‘55 that designed that, laid it out. I think he done Bradley: Were you playing out there? and ‘60 and ‘57, ‘58, all through them years. an awful good job on it. Hasil: Yeah, we took all them. This fella, he This album that’s coming out with them Bradley: Was it one of the guys in Sting’s was helping me. He was twenty-nine and I girls behind it, the title of it is I Dreamed of band that did it? wasn’t old enough. And he said, “Well, the My Amy Last Night. I played it on the piano Hasil: Yeah, Sting. The band Sting. They man wouldn’t let us in.” The man said, “I and I said, “Oh, I’m gonna sing it on the made all kinds of money. They made all don’t care what you got. Ain’t either one of guitar now.” [Hasil gets up and puts another kinds of hits. you old enough to get into this club.” This tape on.] Watch this. [What follows is the Bradley: One of the albums I’ve got, Moon fella that was helping me said, “I know I am. most bizarre version of “I Walk the Line” Over Madison, sort of reminds me of Hank I’m 29!” We didn’t get in. The man said, “I anyone’s ever heard, followed by ten min- Williams, Sr. Did you ever get to see him don’t care if you’re fifty-nine. You ain’t get- utes of shouting and trebly guitar lines while play? tin’ in here ‘cause you ain’t old enough.” we work on the case of Budweiser.] Hasil: Who, Hank Williams? The ones we did get in, they had contests for Bradley: How much land you got around Bradley: Yeah. who was the best and all that. We took all here? Hasil: No. Got close but I never got to see them, every one we could get in. We win Hasil: Twelve acres. him, though. Hank III, I know him. He’s a every one of them. He said, “They got a big Bradley: What’s the listing of the songs we big fan of mine. [He points to an auto- one going on here. If we get in, we’ll win just listened to? graphed Hank III picture on his wall. Hasil’s it.” I met Pasty Cline at that Town Hall Hasil: “Baseball Bat,” “Leigh Anne Baby.” walls are full of autographed photos and Party. There’s that dance party they had on I’ve done got lost myself. I have to back off records. It seems strange that this man TV. I was on it. I didn’t have no money to and get the first one. would be the one asking for an autograph.] buy no record with. She was selling them Bradley: “Coco the Dog?” We were gonna try to tour some together. 45s of “Walking after Midnight.” That’s Hasil: “Coco the Dog.” Yeah. “9-1-1 He’s tourin’ all over the country. Buddy, if before it become a big hit. I said, “Boy, if Bubble Gum.” he don’t drink that Jack Daniel’s, man. He’s I’d had the money to buy that, just think of Bradley: “9-1-1 Bubble Gum!” [laughter] Hasil: “Sad Old Rose,” “The Girl of bunch you could buy with it. You just spend Fooled around with ‘em and I said, “I ain’t Minnesota.” and spend. fooling with that.” You go miles back up in Bradley: “Crazy Amy!” Bradley: So you did some logging? that mountain, buddy, and you got all that Hasil: Yeah, “Got a Girl in Minnesota Hasil: I have, I’ve cut some. I didn’t do too mountain weights comin’ down on you, Gonna Teach Me How to Hunch that much of that. You’ll get killed. Them trees poppin’ and crackin’ when they’re takin’ Thing.” Gonna teach me, I got a girl in will kill you fast, jumping back and break- that coal out. I said, “I can get outside and Minnesota, anyway. ing off. You got to be fast as lightning. make somethin’.” [laughter] I ain’t gonna Bradley: “Got a Girl in Minnesota Gonna There’s a lot of people killed with it. Cutting fool with that. It is scary back in one of Teach Me How to Hunch” or “Got a Girl in them down, then they kick back, and splin- them. Man, that top cracks, and you see it’s Minnesota?” ter, and break off, run up to you. And if they coming down, you know the weight coming Hasil: “Gonna Teach Me How to Hunch went the wrong way when you were cutting down and they got to get the posts and That Thing.” them, you got to gauge ‘em which way to things back up to catch it before it comes all Bradley: “Hunch That Thing.” go. A lot of times they’d have vines in the the way down, and it’s a-givin’ and takin’ Hasil: That’s what she thinks. [to Matt] Did tops to hold them and jerk ‘em around. And that coal out. And every time you take it out you hear her (Crazy Amy) sing? if they didn’t go thataway, you had to run – that top – you can see it give, and crack Matt: When I was getting out of the car, I and get out of the way of it. You had to go and bang. It cracks like a shotgun going off. was like, “Man, this trailer is rockin’” this way, thataway, and watch which way Loud, man. Some people went in and said, [laughter] you’s going. “I’m getting out of here. I ain’t foolin’ with Bradley: Is your name pronounced “Hazel” And them mines, oohhh. Back then, this, man, everything’s crackin’ around me.” or “Hasssel”? them mines about that high [Measures out [laughter] Hasil: “Hasssel.” They never could get it about a foot and a half with his hands]. My One fella quit. He said, “I quit.” He was right. They called me everything. That’s daddy worked in ‘em, about that high. You young; he said, “I ain’t foolin’ with no more alright. I don’t care, as long as they pay me. had to crawl, take a shovel, and load the coal mines.” He said, “My nerves won’t stand That’s one way to look at it, ain’t it? on a buggy. The buggy was flat, but it was a it.” That slate falls, it’s that thing, it won’t Bradley: You got a middle name? big buggy. hurt you. You know it’ll just bust up over Hasil: No. They put that Haze in it. I didn’t You had to lay down on your belly or your head and fall down, but you got that even do that. The record company did that your back one to work. You couldn’t rock a-comin’ behind it. He worked two ‘cause they said they can’t say “Hasssel” so straighten up. You had eight or twelve hours days and said, “I quit. That’s it.” So many they have to say something else. Put “Haze.” of loading coal on your belly. You could people gettin’ killed takin’ that coal out. Bradley: “Haze” ain’t nowhere close to turn on your side a little bit to throw the coal Well, you take all that mountain – they was “Hasssel.” in the bucket with them them ol’ big double- down to the bottom – and all that mountain Hasil: Yeah, “Haze.” shovels, that long and that wide [he mea- and all that weight was on top of you. It did- Bradley: “Axle” is closer to “Hasssel.” sures it out with his hands]. They held that n’t take long to get rid of you. It come quick What do you like to eat normally? What’s much coal, buddy. That was heavy to lift when it comes, like lightning. They got a lot your favorite food? that off, layin’ down on your belly or back safer now. Back then, they didn’t have noth- Hasil: Meat. Any kind of meat. I eat a lot of or something. But you had to put it in the in’. They got the coal out, but it was slow. meat, oh, yeah. buggy ‘cause it didn’t count if you didn’t get Bradley: We saw a bunch of the belts that Bradley: Chicken, Poultry in Motion… it in it. Hard work. run the coal as we were coming in. Hasil: Chicken, beef, hawg, pork. You had to load by the ton. You got paid Hasil: Did I tell you about them movies a- Bradley: You get some deer around here, by the ton. Some days, you got a dollar a comin’ out? some venison? ton. That took a lot of coal to run a ton. If Bradley: No. Hasil: Oh yeah, I like that too. This place is you load ten or twelve tons a day, you done Hasil: You’ve got to see these. Die You full of deer – it is. It didn’t used to be that a good job. To make that much money, you Zombie Bastards. Got naked girls. Got pret- way. When I was a kid, there wasn’t none. had to be fast and hard. Moving work is ty girls in it. It was made all over the coun- We keep ‘em all killed out. [laughter] You’d what it was. Too much work in it. You did- try. It’s wild, it is. People seen the previews see one every now and then. Everybody was n’t want to go in no mines if you could help of it. It’s coming this fall. Tear It Up. It’s happy. it. That’s what my daddy told me. I said, “I got everything: devils and all that. Matt: People around here mostly coal min- ain’t going in no mines.” I been in ‘em. Everything, Jerry Lee Lewis, and they’re ers? Hasil: Well, they got every which way now, but it used to be just coal miners and timber. You know how much they used to pay a day? Bradley and Matt: Nuh uh. Hasil: A dollar a day, cutting timber. You go back up in them woods, cutting it down, skimming it up, and sliding it out, ‘cause you didn’t have nothing to pull it with. If we’d had a horse, we’d have killed him, ‘cause he takes off and run off and leaves us. So you had to take them J-hooks and things, twist them where they get hung up and go on down the mountain till they get to the bottom. Then they took the horses and pulled them on into the sawmill. A dollar a day. Lot of money, wasn’t it? It was, way back then, though. Then they got up to two dollars a day, they did. I used to work for fifty cents an hour, four dollars a day. Buddy, I was glad to get it, too. There was a tearing up everything, breaking up every- makes you happy. It is going to be a good cable up there. Two times a week. I didn’t thing, and it’s a wild movie, a documentary movie, it is. He ought to sell a lot of that think they played that, but the kids, these lit- about the rockabilly music. It’s real good. one. tle… two, three, four, five, eight, up to about I’ve seen some of it. It’s the best document They had to come to get me with “She twelve or fourteen-year-old kids, she said they’ve ever made about rockabilly music. Said” and “Mystery Train” and all them and they played it and they’ll dance it. Slappin’ Scotty Moore, they got him in it, talking I sang them out there on the porch. Playing they’re hands and stuff. I got a video of it about playing for Elvis, and about that out on that back porch – it was in pretty from up there. Vampires and everything, “Mystery Train,” and hittin’ all them notes. good shape then – I throwed the guitar down you know, dancing with them kids and all. He said, “I don’t know. We didn’t mean it. and that camera man, he said “Boy, do it It’s a pretty good show they got going. And We just done it. We was just playin’.” And again right quick.” He couldn’t catch it they got one in Chicago the same way. Only he hit them licks on that guitar. The way he quick enough. He said, “Well, I caught some it ain’t vampires. It just all fun for the kids. tells it, though, he said, “No, no. It wasn’t of it. I didn’t know what he was going to (Long pause. I didn’t know what to made up. It’s just pickin’ and singin’ and we do.” I said, “Now you’re getting right. think about the vampires. Plus I’ve had just played and just happened to hit them You’re gettin’ right.” [laughter] about five or six beers and we’ve had tape licks.” Made a missed lick, but he made a Bradley: You ever made a video to a song? rolling for right at two hours.) right lick. That’s what made Elvis, it was. Hasil: Yeah, yeah. I got all kinds of videos Bradley: I still… I still… I want to hear you Scotty Moore did, well, all of them together if I had time I’d show you, but it’d take too play a song. with Bill Black and all of ‘em. They didn’t long. Hasil: (quietly) I don’t fool with it. I know what they were doing. Johnny Bradley: That’s all right. You know, I did mean… (Burnette) said, “We didn’t know what we see this one documentary about this guy Bradley: Awh, all right. I won’t push you were doing. He just quit singin’ and we just named Jessco White. on it. went to playin’. That’s pretty good for it to Hasil: Yeah. He lives about fifteen, twenty Hasil: (brightening up) I could sing you one

Bradley: How many guitars you got here?

Hasil: I’ve had about eighty-something all together. Broke about seventy something, trying to put on a show.

come out thataway. They said, “We tried to minutes from here. Something like that. on the guitar, though, I mean just the guitar, go back over it, but couldn’t do no good He’s in Athens, Georgia tonight. if you want. with it. We just had to do it the first time Bradley: Jessco is? Bradley: Would you mind? and go with it.” “That’s Alright Mama” and Hasil: Yeah. Hasil: This is a good guitar here. “Mystery Train,” and I don’t know how Bradley: Is it just him dancing? (Starts to strum. With the tape rolling, many, but they just done it. They done a Hasil: Huh? Yeah, yeah, dancing. Two Hasil leans towards the tape. And starts to pretty good job for not knowing what they shows. One in Atlanta and one in Athens. play “When the Leaves Start to Fall.” The were doing. I said, “Well, shoot. I’ve got to Last night he was in Atlanta and tonight he’s song rolls along low and sad, and at the end try something that I don’t know what I’m gonna be in Athens where Jim lives. They’re it picks up to triple time and ends with Hasil doing.” [laughter] going out to see him. scat guitar lines. Something like ticky ticky Heck, when you don’t know what Matt: So you said you were on TV with ticky tock. Cheers, laughter, and “thank you’re doing, you’re liable to come out with Patsy Cline? you”s follow.) Get ‘em all dancing slow anything. [laughter] Well, they played on Hasil: Yeah Town Hall Party in LA. (Town then speed it up on ‘em. They said, “Boy, I cardboard boxes and everything – they did – Hall Party was California’s largest country like the way you do.” I said, “Good. I’m you know, beatin’ on ‘em. They said, “Well, music barn dance, running from early 1952 glad of it.” rockabilly, the music, just makes you feel until early 1961. The show was broadcast Bradley: I’m gonna step to the bathroom good.” Well, you just get the cardboard box, every Saturday night from a theatre made up real quick. That was good, Mr. Adkins. That and they was showing all that in the video, to look like an old barn in Compton, a sub- was good. and they beat on ‘em with their hands, and urb of Los Angeles.) (The second half of this interview spoons, and everything they could just to Matt: Were you on TV any other times? will run in the next issue of beat on it. All them old players now say, Hasil: Oh yeah, oh yeah. I’ve been on it a Razorcake.) “Oh, it just makes you feel so good.” It lot. Have you see it up in New York? It’s on 75 Dan Monick’s Photo Page

This was the second to last night of Juvee...

The last thing I heard her say to him was...

“Why you gotta keep actin’ like you’re from Connecticut?” ANY LAST WORDS: Please note: If you’re Self-titled 7” Eight songs of all thrash, no flash from an established record this Twin Cities band. Any Last Words company, and you send mine the same territory as other bands on Havoc Records like Vitamin X and us a pre-release without Tear It Up, mixed with some youth all the album art, we’re crew-y bits here and there. It’s certainly probably going to throw nothing to scoff at, but it wouldn’t hurt for these guys to throw a monkey- that shit away... wrench into their thrash-thrash-thrash cock gobblers. formula. –Josh (Havoc) ARCADE INFERNO/ 999: Concrete: CD THE ROGUE SET: Lemme start off with a big caveat: I Tonight, St. Pete Burns: CD have never liked this album. I bought a When this came in, I thought it was a copy for fifty cents back when it first DVD since it was in a DVD case. I think came out and felt I was ripped off. Why, some grindcore band did the same thing you ask? Can’t really come up with one a couple of years ago, and when some- outside of personal taste. Granted, they body tried to convince me that it was a do a serviceable version of “Little Red brilliant idea, I responded by pointing Riding Hood,” but the ‘80s pop feel and laughing. So this isn’t a DVD, it’s a prevalent on the disc just never blew up regular old CD. Both bands are treading my skirt in the right ways. Being the on the same ground as the Jack Palance open-minded fellow I am, I decided to Band and American Steel, and while I give it another go. The verdict: still This is screamotic hardcore for kids who dye wouldn’t exactly call that “hallowed don’t like it, although not as venomous- their hair black. No, darker. Blacker than ground,” it’s definitely not a bad thing ly as before. The pop vibe still leaves in my book. And I’ve said this about fif- me with an icky feeling, but I can better that. No, dude, I mean fucking black. teen times already, but hand-screened hear the sound that 999 had mined to covers are pretty cool. Worthy of repeat- better effect on previous efforts than I –Puckett ed listens. –Josh (Network of Friends) could two decades ago, which raises its level up to tolerable for these ears. The A-SIDES: Going Gone: 7” B-sides added to this reissue, namely crosses all communication lines. From late-’70s band, both painless but also Holy crap, the Monkees’ less musically- “Scandal in the City” and the two live start to finish, it feels like you are being okay to be lost. –Speedway Randy proficient brothers have released a sin- tracks, make it that much more listen- dragged behind a car holding your (Chumpire) gle! Alert Rodney Bingenheimer while able. –Jimmy Alvarado (Captain Oi) breath. Collector nerd note: this release the rest of us run for cover! –Jimmy has a greener tint in the artwork. The ALREADY DEAD: Alvarado (Prison Jazz, no address) A STATIC LULLABY: …And Finnish one is more yellow. This Was Never Yours: CD Don’t Forget to Breathe: CD –Donofthedead (Hardcore Holocaust) By-the-numbers metallic hardcore, ASSERT: There are two other albums I know of never deviating from a well-established Riotous Assembly: CD that start with “… And” and both of ALEXISONFIRE: template and never stepping outside of Basic hardcore with some faster-than- them are better than this screamotic Self-titled: CD the box. Kinda sad when you’re listen- lights drumming, just-gargled-with- hardcore for kids who dye their hair For every Black Cross, Give Up the ing to supposed “radical” music and you bleach vocals and political lyrics which black. No, darker. Blacker than that. No, Ghost, or Fairweather record that Equal realize that Barry Manilow took more state the obvious in ways that are as sub- dude, I mean fucking black. Vision releases, there’s at least one chances. –Jimmy Alvarado tle as a hammer. It’s not bad, but it does- –Puckett (Ferret) album by a band like Armor For Sleep (High Fidelity) n’t do much for me. or Alexisonfire (which is to say that for –Puckett (Malt Soda) AARITILA: every interesting, experimental, and AMERICA IS WAITING: ...Ja Kaikki Kuitenkin artistically challenging record, you get In the Lines: CDEP AT THE SPINE: Paattyy Kuolemaan!: CD one incredibly commercial release If I kept listening to emo, I would stop The Curriculum I’m going on a mini tirade now. It’s which offers no surprises and nothing having to take sleeping pills. Is Never Neutral: CD going to be real quick. I wish more kids new). Like bands such as Waterdown –Donofthedead (Die Die Diemond) What seems to dominate college radio would seek out bands from around the and the rest of the screamo hordes, one but never leaves. This is probably some world. If they did, even more bands vocalist screams as if he wanted to be in ANNALISE/GUNMOLL: critic’s favorite, but it leaves this listen- would come here to tour. Okay, I’m fin- Morbid Angel; the other sings in sweet, Split 7” er bored. –Donofthedead ished. Now I have two copies of this angelic tones. Like most bands of this I’m at a bit of a loss here, so I’m going (Global Seepej) CD. I received the Finnish pressing of ilk, the musicianship is passable to to flat-out steal Maddy’s compare-a- this CD that was released by 1000dB good; that’s rarely the problem. The band-to-a-brand-of-breakfast-cereal ATLANTIC MANOR, THE: Records about six months ago from a problem is that the actual music begins reviewing technique: As cereal goes, Failing by the Second: CDEP good friend there who sings background at pop-punk with the sweet melodies to this 7 incher is a five bean salad. Maybe This failed the second any sound was vocals on this recording. Interestingly, get the chicks in and then tries to add a fine when you’re at a post-bris party produced. There was already a last Hardcore Holocaust released it here in tougher edge so that, you know, the with a bunch of your elderly blue-haired Warren Zevon record. the States. I think they are great for dudes will like it, sounding like every relatives, but nothing you’d want to –Donofthedead (Do Too) doing this because I believe they truly other band with dyed black hair and encounter when you’re sitting down to a stand behind their releases, not worry- bangs, ear plugs, and star tattoos in the big brimmin’ bowl of Capt Crunch with ATTIC TED: The Bastardized ing if they are going to be big sellers. process. In that respect, this album Crunch Berries. As is often times the Country Carnival: CD You can see they love the Finnish punk. offers something for everyone who will case with this sensitive stuff, it’s not Bizarro sideshow freak rock’n’roll Awhile ago they put out the Viimeinen be listening to the next big trend in two totally without merit. Overall it’s a bit belched forth from the bowels of Tejas. Kolonna CD. Did you buy one? Or was years. However, by nearly every mea- like lukewarm Hot Water Music. Someone was a fan of Touch & Go’s the Casualties CD the preferred pur- sure that I can use to gauge a good – or Musically it moves around and has mid-’80s releases, and it shows. –Jimmy chase? Even more interesting is that I even decent – album, this doesn’t even some energy to it. But it shoots itself in Alvarado (Pecan Crazy) have a review copy in my box. I’m glad begin to register. the foot over and over again with it’s to see that more extreme punk labels are –Puckett (Equal Vision) irksome self-consciousness posturing. AUSGEBOMBT: giving this mag try. I can’t tell you how Gravel up your voice all you want boys, Hellbomber: CD much bad emo and alternative rock I get ALLI WITH AN I: I Learned you’re not fooling anyone – not even Speed metal with anti-war lyrics played to review. Oops, I went on another By Watching You: CD your friends, who are too nice to tell you by what looks to be guys who take their tirade! Back to this release. I’ve been Wow, these guys sound as tough as their to quit writing songs to assuage your fashion cues from the old hardcore- listening to this for a while now. It’s a name! They’re almost as hardcore as the stupid girlfriends. Urgh. Oh, and this turned-metal band Genocide. Not all good, angry release that is not overly Get Up Kids! –Potsi (Law of Inertia) was two bands? I couldn’t really tell. that bad, but it ain’t exactly memorable, fast and fits into a Discharge niche. It’s –Aphid Peewit (No Idea) either. –Jimmy Alvarado got a heavy bass and haiku-like lyrics, ALPHA CONTROL GROUP C (Hardcore Holocaust) which are sung in Finnish. The guitars /PHOTON BAND: Split 7” ANTELOPE: Self-titled: CDEP were recorded well and come off pow- This 7” comes with a copy of Chumpire ...And that, ladies and gentlemen, was AVSKUM: Punkista: CD erful. The drums hold down the back- #166, which is a tiny zine with quick four minutes of my life I could’ve better Some grade-A fjordcore here from this ground with an even pounding. Even reviews of shows. The Alpha Control spent doing something constructive, like long-running band, perhaps a little more though I don’t understand a lick of Group C sounds like a lost late-’80s gouging my eyes out with a soup ladle. reliant on the Discharge influence than band. Photon Band sounds like a lost –Jimmy Alvarado (Dischord) is healthy, but damn if they ain’t got the 78 what’s being said, anger best bits of the sound down pat, right long bike rides and hard battles still down to the haiku-like anti-capitalist, being fought. They also seem to be anti-US government lyrics. recorded rougher and tumblier than their –Jimmy Alvarado (Prank) full length. The jaggedness suits them well. Onion Flavored Rings are extreme- BAR FEEDERS, THE: 50 ly poppy and sweet, but not saccharine. Ways To Leave Your Liver: CD That’s a tough line to balance. They pull ...i enjoyed this disc for the first ten min- from the same jug of lyrical spirits as utes or so, probably because it’s been a This Bike Is a Pipe Bomb, while sound- Top 40 7”s long time since i listened to any bad late ing nothing like them. The songs are ‘80s punk records and found myself about depression, being unattractive, and briefly nostalgic for that sound. And, going to a shitty job for a shitty wage. while i can’t say i’m completely immune That gives the enterprise weight, but to the charms of the Gaza-Strippers-sing- there’s a lot of jangle and peppiness in Vinyl: Bad for the McCrackins-songs-arranged-by-Zeke- the beats, which make you think you’re environment, isms of, say, “Chinese Chicken” hearing songs about sunshine instead of (“Chinese Chicken! In My Hair! Chinese cancer. Comes in way-cool silkscreen good for the soul. Chicken! With Fred Astaire! Chinese cartoon cover. –Todd (No Idea) Chicken! Laughing Gas! Chinese Chicken! Diaper Rash!”), it has been my BLACK JETTS, THE: observation throughout the years that Bleed Me: CD bands which play three-four-five- Take one part MC5, one part Dead Boys, These are the minute-long thrash songs with all man- add a dash of ‘60s trash rock, and you get top 7”S since ner of stops and starts and diversions and this. While it ain’t anywhere near the the last mag. lunacy and such, generally, in their vicinity of crucial listening, they do hearts of hearts, would rather being play- make a nice enough racket to make their ing some form of music other than punk way into your next party’s soundtrack. rock, but have been playing punk rock –Jimmy Alvarado (Deadbeat) Underground Medicine Mailorder, Conneticut (or that which makes use of the sonic external form of punk rock) for so long BLACK KEYS, THE: (Rapid Pulse) that they are either physically or psycho- The Moan: CDEP 1. Deadly Weapons, You’re So Selfish logically unable to divest themselves Bluesy southern-fried rock, not punk. , 1-900-Get-Inside (Goodbye Boozy) from it. And i’m not saying that’s neces- Not bad for Fat Possum fans (although 2. Functional Blackouts sarily the case with the Bar Feeders, but not on that label). Hey, I just got done 3. Flakes, Talk About You (Dollar) it certainly wouldn’t surprise me any to working eighteen-hour days for two 4. Diskords, Pink Palace (Dirtnap) find out that at least one of them secretly weeks. My verbiage output is low and (Shit Sandwich) wishes he was in a band with a gong. that tired description seems to fit juuuust 5. MOTO,Spiral Slouch Cool for a while, but about halfway right. –Speedway Randy (Alive) 6. Kidnappers, Spanish Girls (Zaxxon Virile Action) (Lipstick) through the five-and-a-half-minute-long 7. Deadly Weapons, Backstabber thrash song about the Droid Party, i was BLACKLIST: (Die Slaughterhouse) really hoping that the band, decked out Times Are Changing: CD 8. The Lids, Too Late in Stormtrooper gear, would pull up to This deserves a sigh as an initial reaction 9. Clocks, Time Is on My Side +5 (Shake Your Archives) my house in a commandeered land and not in any good way. Trite lyrics (Jonny Cat) speeder, kick in my door and vomit about politics. Claims that the band 10. Clorox Girls, Baby heavily into my CD player, rendering it doesn’t want to live in someone else’s at least temporarily inoperable and thus- time (1977, 1969). The music is so rudi- ly freeing me from the remainder of my mentary that it makes the Ramones reviewerly functions – but if YOU really sound technically accomplished (and Know Crap Mailorder, wanna sit thru songs like “Free Beer For speaking of the Ramones, I’m more Oregon The Bar Feeders” on your own dime, interested in the reissues series than I am don’t relent on my account. BEST in this album). To say that there’s noth- 1. Dirtbombs, Pray for Pills (Corduroy) 2. Exploding Hearts SONG: “Chinese Chicken” BEST ing here is to assign too much credit to , Modern Kicks (Pelado) SONG TITLE: “Satan Sells Sea Shells this run-of-the-mill punk rock revival 3. Flip-Tops/Gloryholes by the Seashore” FANTASTIC AMAZ- because nothing is the opposite of some- , split (Jonny Cat) 4. Various Artists ING TRIVIA FACT: The song entitled thing – antimatter at least causes a reac- , København i Ruiner 2x7” (Kick-n-Punch) “G.U.I.” makes no mention of the tion. This falls squarely in the middle of 5. MOTO, Spiral Slouch Graphical User Interface! something and nothing in a nether realm (Shit Sandwich) –Rev. Nørb (A.D.D.) where ambivalence and indifference are 6. The Blacks/The Persuaders, split (Rockin’ Bones) 7. Dennis Most & the Instigators the order of the day and this doesn’t war- , Wire My Jaw BAR FEEDERS, THE: 50 rant one more word. –Puckett (Bad Attitude) 8. Ways to Leave Your Liver: CD (Dead Mic) I Excuse/Manifesto Jukebox, split (Combat Rock Industry) First thing I thought when I dropped this 9. The Diskords puppy in the player was that they sound- BLOODY LOVELIES, THE: , Pink Palace (Dirtnap) ed like a rawer version of the Offspring. Some Truth and a 10. Leftovers Goofy song titles and with goofy lyrics Little Money: CD , Cigarettes & Alcohol (Dropkick) shows that these guys are having more I don’t know what’s worse, the music (a fun than you. –Donofthedead (A.D.D.) bad take on the worst bits of Tom Petty and ELO) or the fact that they thought BILL BONDSMEN: Razorcake was a good mag to send their Good Evening This Is: CD wares to. Maybe they inadvertently Disgruntled Mailorder, California Mid-tempo tuneage from a band big on mailed it here instead of some “hip” den- that early ‘80s Midwest hardcore sound. tist’s office. –Jimmy Alvarado 1. BellRays, Lion’s Den b/w Behind The Gun Seeing as these are “unmixed/unmas- (www.TheBloodyLovelies.com) (Vital Gesture) tered” versions of the songs, there’s 2. Red Onions, Live Wire (Revenge) more than a few rough edges to the pro- BLOWN TO BITS: 3. The Bags, Disco’s Dead (Artifix) ceedings, most notably a dire need for Fuck American Xenophobia: 7” 4. The Orphans the levels to be raised up, but if they Speedy, tight political hardcore that’s , Nobody’s Fool (Malo) 5. Nipple Erectors manage to squeeze a good mix out, this thankfully spare on the metal influence. , So Pissed Off (Erector) could be very, very good when it’s fin- This bad boy’s a keeper. –Jimmy 6. Tokyo Knives, Young Punk Saturday Night ished. –Jimmy Alvarado (4TG Music Alvarado (Blown to Bits) (Boogaloosa) Terrorism Conspiracy) 7. Briefs, The Joy of Killing (Lollipop) BOBBYTEENS, THE: Cruisin’ BITCHIN’/ for a Bruisin’: CD 8. JFA/Faction, split (Spontanious Combustion) ONION FLAVORED RINGS: Boy, Maddy’s gonna be mad at me for Yeehaw Junction: Split 7” not passing this CD along to her. It’s 9. The Fitts, Self-titled (Big Neck) I admire Bitchin’s defiance and quest for Lucky Charms, all the way. Female- understanding – strident female voices, fronted pop punk in the vein of Nikki 10. The Ponys, Wicked City (Big Neck) roughed-up instruments, and fists up in and the Corvettes and, well, shit, all the the air in the name of community. Their bands that have tried to be the three songs are straight shots, covering Bobbyteens. This is what the Donnas would sound like if they had any talent. Sparrer) comes out like Vom (pre-Angry thing reeks of a heavy Freeze influence. with little to no effect because it sounds This is what a generation of leather- Samoans). Not an essential release, but Another top-notch release from like a bunch of art students in the mid- jacketed tough punk rock girls have fun nonetheless. –Todd (Lollipop) Deranged. –Josh (Deranged) dle of nowhere trying to create some- wanted to sound like, and with good thing to further ostracize themselves reason. It’s definitely worth picking up. BROKEN BOTTLES: CATHOLIC BOYS: Psychic from their surroundings, this sounds like –Sean (Estrus) Drinking in the Rain b/w Voodoo Mind Control: CD impassioned people trying to connect Lose Every Battle: CD-Single Raucous trash punk in the same vein as with their surroundings. To put it a dif- BONECRUSHER: I don’t know, doesn’t “single” imply the the Shrinks and the Gloryholes, but with ferent way, a lot of the albums I get The Good Life: CDEP band has at least one good song? Odious a charm all their own. Label dude Todd sound like they were made by outcasts It looks like Ray ain’t singin’ for ‘em faux Social Distortion music (as if the says it’s his favorite release and, not tak- in high school who decided to intention- anymore, and they sound more like yer original item hasn’t wreaked enough ing into account it’s the only release I’ve ally be weirder so that they could pre- average skinhead band than ever. Ain’t horror on my ears over the course of the heard from his label, I’m inclined to tend to be cool; this album, in the anal- my cup o’ tea, but it ain’t bad for what it last decade) made all the more odious-er agree with him, ‘cause there ain’t no ogy, would have been made by the peo- is, I guess. –Jimmy Alvarado by the snare constantly being behind the denyin’ this is some good stuff. –Jimmy ple who simply didn’t give a shit about (Class War) beat (or merely appearing that way Alvarado (Trick Knee) cliques or trends and wanted to sit in owing to not-particularly-cunningly their garage and make music that they BONECRUSHER: applied drum mic echo) and wannabe CHALLENGER: Give the and their friends could enjoy, music that The Good Life: CDEP Johnny Rotten-clone vocals (note: People What They Want would provide a sanctuary and a place Bonecrusher’s always been about fight- Using “wannabe” AND “clone” is not in Lethal Doses: CD where bonds between people could ing the good fight. On first listen, with- redundant in this case, i am merely try- Dave Laney and Al Burian of strengthen, if only for a little while. I out paying attention to the lyrics, it’d be ing to express how the singer sounds Milemarker drop the didactic delivery freely admit that I was biased in favor of easy to dismiss them as a bunch of thugs like he wants to be a Johnny Rotten of said band and go straight for the punk Clairmel when I got this; I’m more who have a reputation for beating up clone, but is failing at even that modest rock jugular. Give the People… is filled biased in their favor now. –Puckett people who come to their shows and rip goal). This completely fails to take back with sonic relics from the past: one can (No Idea) out the occasional light fixture from a the alley. BEST SONG: They both hear the strains of Killing Joke, Shellac, club’s ceiling. Surprisingly, a good sound the same, except one has cloud- Archers Of Loaf, Pegboy, Seaweed, and CLOROX GIRLS, THE: number of their songs are about the burst effects. BEST SONG TITLE: Bluetip buried in this Monorchid-meets- Self-titled: LP nobility of work, the power of unions, “Drinking in the Rain,” because it’s Jawbreaker outfit of anthemic, emotion- In a perfect world, Dangerhouse and standing on your own two feet. SOOOO Morrissey. FANTASTIC al post punk. It might come as a surprise Records never would have gone out of Their previous CD on Hostage, Working AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: This to Milemarker fans but to those who business some twenty years ago. Or that for a Living, was tougher than the back Augmented CD Single also contains the were familiar with Laney and Burian’s Robbie Fields, without the threat of vio- of a stone mason and rougher than the video for “Drinking in the Rain.” I did- pre-Milemarker bands, Griver and lence or a lawsuit, would actually pay calluses on a carpenter’s hands. All of n’t watch it or anything, but, on the Hellbender respectively, it’s the record the bands that help keep Posh Boy in the basic elements are here in The Good credits for the video portion, they spell you’ve been waiting for them to make. business. The Clorox Girls – I’m assum- Life, but I can’t help but think some- camera as “camara.” –Rev. Nørb (TKO) And by god, it’s a keeper. ing, named after the song from Red thing’s missing. Fire? Direct intimida- –Greg Barbera (Jade Tree) Cross’ first self-titled 12” EP – would tion? Fear of instant teeth loss? It’s def- BROKEN BOTTLES: have fit perfectly in with either label. initely a decent CD, but it doesn’t have In the Bottles: CD CHOP SAKIS: They actually owe more than a passing me ready to spring out of the way and With the increased exposure of being on Ghost Town Crowd: CD blush to that version of Red Cross, too seek a safe haven when I pop it in the TKO, I’ve got the feeling that Broken Melodic, fast, crunchy, with lots of (whose members were to go on to Black player like their earlier efforts did. Can’t Bottles will get a bunch of new fans and yellin’ and hootin’ and hollerin’! This Flag, Bad Religion, and Redd Kross). quite put my finger on it. –Todd a bunch of razzing (see Nørb’s review). may help out a small, but important sliv- This LP has captured the overall feeling (Class War) Having interviewed the guys and hung er of you; this reminds me of the second of a really cool attitude that punk still out with them a couple of times, I can coming of Scared of Chaka’s Masonic seems so full of possibility and fun, BREAKING PANGAEA: vouch that Jes isn’t trying to impress Youth, a hellfire of an LP. It’s over- even though things look like shit and so Phoenix: CD anyone, and isn’t faking the lunacy. amped garage hooked to hardcore tem- many people claim that all the intellec- Oh, sweet merciful fucking Christ on Sure, he sounds a lot like Mike Ness and pos – overdriven, precise in its sloppi- tual property’s already been gentrified the cross. These shoegazing indie-emo the band sounds a lot like classic Social ness – with that type of zipper-down for arenas or strip-mined of any value. fucks are one step removed from The Distortion, but I like them a lot regard- swagger that the New Bomb Turks were The songs on this LP are both wide-eyed Get Up Kids (that step would be the less. It’s like they found an extra book of famous for. I have no fuckin’ idea what and tough. Arty flourishes are kept it very slight crunchy modern emo-core songs that were slated for Mommy’s they’re slur-singing about and I don’t check by the fact that the songs rock all edge) and I don’t mean that in any of the Little Monster (albeit a little more care a lick. Amped-up, hand-in-fire the way through, even when they slow good ways. If you think there are actual- campy), which were lost in a fire or a good times that’ll get jaded punk rock- down. The haiku-like, borderline para- ly good things that statement could flood or mudslide or something. Also, ers jumping and stumbling around like noid lyrics provide a nice amount of mean, you are likely reading the wrong Southern Orange County punk is one of hyperactive cheerleaders with their traction to the bounce. Much more real- magazine and should renew your sub- the last full-fledged bastions of punk shoelaces untied. The world needs more ized than their 7”, which I liked a lot, scription to Spin or Rolling Stone forth- rock that never went away after the bands like this. Excellent stuff put out too. –Todd (Smartguy) with. –Puckett (Equal Vision) beachhead was declared in the late ‘70s. by the on-long-sabbatical, Joey, who So I can also understand that berets a la was responsible for releases of both COCKSPARRER: BRIEFS, LES: D.I. throw folks for a loop, but it’s what early Good Riddance and the Motards. Back Home: CD The Joy of Killing: 7” these guys wear, day in and day out (and The band includes members of the All the hits, recorded live before an This French release is the least Briefs- Travis is one of the nicest guys you’re Riverboat Gamblers, the Marked Men, enthusiastic hometown crowd. sounding Briefs record I’ve ever heard, bound to meet). Selfishly, since I have and Kris Pierce, an awesome dude and Personally, I would’ve preferred an mostly because it’s all covers and the all of their singles, I’ve already heard a ex-bassist of Tiltwheel. –Todd album’s worth of new tunes, but a col- Briefs’ Adverts bounce is replaced, little less than half of the songs on In the (Little Deputy) lection of classics performed live is mainly by razor blades and hard stares. Bottles, but there are some great new decidedly better than no Cocksparrer But, fuck it, I like the Killed By Death tracks on here, too. “Pink Swastika” is CHUCK MAIDEN: whatsoever, I reckon. Sound quality’s obscuro feel it emits. They start off with quintessential Broken Bottles – funny Morris Road: CD great, performance is good. –Jimmy “Kill the Hippies” by The Casualties and strange (it’s about a homosexual Our buddy Chuck Maiden sounds quite Alvarado (Captain Oi) (just joking, although they have a song nazi and the conflict that such a person a bit like the Wallflowers, kind of like of the same title), by one of might face) and “Blondie” buzzes right how cow poop smells quite a bit like COLBOM: Dangerhouse’s jewels, the Deadbeats through, like a bullet from 1982. My horse poop. –Potsi (Lorne Street) Famous Last Words: 7” (and if I remember right, the original only beef is that it’s a pretty bad idea to Decent enough mid-tempo punk with version featured Geza X who produced cover “The Letter” (previously covered CLAIRMEL: well-written lyrics. Nice of ‘em to and engineered some great Dead by fucking Joe Cocker) at all, but to put A Letter to Friends: CD include little explanations for each song, Kennedys and Germs stuff.) Then they it in the middle of the CD makes for I was first introduced to Clairmel too. –Jimmy Alvarado (No Idea) slip on The Panics’ socks with “I Wanna awkward sprints to the CD player to hit through the HWM split; Hot Water Kill My Mom.” The Panics claim – and skip. Regardless, this is a nice introduc- Music always kicks my ass. Clairmel CONSAFOS: Such Is the they haven’t yet been disputed – as tion of the band to the rest of the world quickly set about doing the same thing. Way of Things: CDEP being Indiana’s first high school punk outside of Southern California. –Todd I won’t pretend to tell you that this is So mellow and peaceful that I forgot I rock band. Flip it over and there’s a (TKO) unique; if you’re a fan of Gainesville shit my pants. –Donofthedead straight-up charge through the Angry punk rock, you have likely heard this or (Greyday) Samoans’ “Todd Killings” and an equal- CAREER SUICIDE: something very similar before (likewise, ly “yup, that kinda sounds like the orig- Reach for the Sars: 7” I won’t claim that Clairmel is from COUNTERATTACK: inal” take on the Damned’s “Born to What the hell’s the deal with these Gainesville; I honestly don’t know Step Aside: CD Kill.” “Kill” is the last track, originally melodic hardcore bands from Canada? where they’re from). The difference Stereotypical, uninspiring American oi unchained by Alberto Y Lost Trios First it was Fucked Up, and now this between this collection of previously stuff, meaning it pretty much blows. Paranoias (a strange band that was a band. Neato guitar trickery kind of like unreleased tracks and most of the shit Included is their contribution to what is very British hybrid of Monty Python- the Adolescents, a lesson or two learned (and I do mean shit) that I review is that apparently becoming type comedy and the new-wavey Cock from Kid Dynamite, and the whole whereas most of the shit is impassioned the mandatory post-9/11 81 pro-USA anthem genre, in this case a covers lyrical topics like Lynyrd here. But the human mind is, if any- spent so much time rallying against ditty called “Let’s Roll.” Thanks, but if Skynyrd, ninjas, puppies, and testicle thing, leaky and prone to contamina- capitalism and the machine. And I like I want mindless flag waving, I’ll turn punches, all stewed in the rather serious tion. Whether you like it or not, I used bands playing under a moniker having on the evening news. –Jimmy Alvarado gravy of socio-political consciousness. to work for a fire-breathing wretch of a as many original performers as possi- (Reality Clash) But in a good way; if Damage Deposit human-like greed robot who went by ble. That’s just my bias. Anyhow, this is comes across as anything, it’s that the name “Daryl.” I have never been a cool, well-recorded artifact – a full set COUNTLESS SHADOWS/ they’re utterly sincere. These guys, exposed to such a vile soul-sucking from 1979 in San Francisco, the Dead UNTIL THE FALL: Split CD unlike a band like For the Worse, are vampire as that dreadful misfire of Kennedys playing their last night as a Countless Shadows: A heavy metal not likely to ever be caught singing DNA, so the name Daryl just totally five-piece. Jello’s French frog falsetto band fronted by a guy who likes to hardcore odes to their toilet. I might be ruins an otherwise mediocre disc for leads the charge and one of the most scream a lot. My, how original. Until going out on a limb here, but I think me. Not horrible, just tepid. I think I’ve respected (and rightfully so) hardcore the Fall: A little better, but the fact that they sound a little bit like Good Clean had girlfriends who would eat this shit bands of all time plows through an they are reminiscent of Excel ain’t Fun at times – maybe a little faster and, up. –Aphid Peewit (Idol) inventive set. As time goes on, it sort of exactly a plus. –Jimmy Alvarado of course, with frowny-face tattoos amazes me that, at one time, this band (High Fidelity) instead of smiley-face ones. Musically, DEAD HEROES: was one of the fastest going. Now it’s tight and confrontational traditional I Hate This Life: 7” they’d be considered mid-paced. They CROSSTOPS: hardcore and, for me, with hardcore it’s This is a pretty good skinhead band seemed to blister my brain the first time Truck and Disorderly: CD not really who does something “new” without the sing-a-long anthems that I ever laid ears on them. Going back, I Being an ironic version of a crappy bar with it (because that too often turns into can be very annoying. The vocalist notice such a strong surf influence that, band still makes you a crappy bar band. emo or metal), it’s just who breaths sounds like they pulled him from the quizzically, seemed to have eluded me –Speedway Randy (Malt Soda) fucking fire back through its veins and Confederacy of Scum (Jeff Clayton, completely when I was younger. Now, gets it stomping and raging again like Phil “Whiskey Rebel” Irwin, et al). I realize what accomplished musicians CRUMBS, THE: Last Exit: CD the pissed-off brute that it is. Damage This put a funny picture in my head of they were and how they worked as a It’s not that I was disappointed with the Deposit does that. If you’re at all famil- a redneck singing along with some cohesive whole (say what you will, I last album by The Crumbs. I just was- iar with Felix Havoc then this is proba- skins. But when you think about it, they just didn’t hold on to my Klaus n’t impressed. They’d always had a bly exactly like the sort of band that aren’t really too much different. The Fluoride solo albums). As a footnote, cool Eddie Cochran/The Saints rock- you’d expect him to be in. Top notch. skins wear those plaid button-up shirts this includes a previously unreleased ’n’roll sound to them, and the last –Aphid Peewit (Havoc) while the redneck wears plaid button- Dead Kennedy’s song, “Gaslight.” The album had too many bar rock leanings up flannel shirts. The skin also wears song’s nothing to go ga-ga over and has for my taste. Last Exit fixes that prob- DARYL: suspenders; the redneck, overalls. Of the feel of an extra scene on a DVD that lem. The rock’n’roll is cool again. Uneven Surfaces: CDEP course, they both wear boots. The only really doesn’t leave an impression. The There’s a lot of Johnny Thunders influ- The “degrees” between Quicksand and difference is the hair. I enjoyed these disco version of “Kill the Poor” is pret- ence in this, sure, but there’s more. It’s Morrissey is – it makes me queasy to three songs and felt all warm and fuzzy ty sweet, though. Overall, not bad at like they picked up the last Beltones admit – fewer than the traditional six. inside thinking of the harmony going all, and if you have all their studio record and remembered the days when That’s too close for comfort in my on between two subcultures. –Toby albums and are on the hunt for some- The Crumbs and the Beltones and book. The number of degrees needed to (Headache) thing new, this’ll fit the bill nicely. Hudson were tearing a new asshole into get from Morrissey to Daryl is fraction- –Todd (Manifesto) Florida punk rock, and they revived al. From Daryl to U2, probably less. DEAD KENNEDYS, THE: some of that originality and excitement And before I puke all over my comput- Live at the Deaf Club: CD DEAD ONES: with this new album. I, for one, am er keyboard – which I can’t afford to I’m no one, but I’m still uneasy with Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em: CD happy to hear it. –Sean (TKO) replace since I refuse to write and the fact that the Dead Kennedys are This manages to remind me of all the record ass-kissing college-radio-friend- touring without Jello Biafra. It’s not good things about ‘80s punk rock with- DAMAGE DEPOSIT: ly pabulum like Daryl – I’ll mention that I believe one side over the other, out sounding like a rehash, which is Straight to the Bottom: 7” that I have a personal bias involved either. It’s just kinda ironic that always special. It also reminds me of Laced-up-tight pugilistic hardcore that here that has no justifiable reason being accounting books split up a band that another band that I can’t quite put my finger on. Vaguely Zero Boys, maybe? Milo out of the lab where he was doing punk sub-niche I once held sacred, yet a ways only previously reserved for No matter. “3rd World USA” is a classic experiments on vegetables to grace us new Descendents disc can still make me things like air and water. tune, though, no matter how you look at again with some fine tuneage. If you wanna bounce off the walls while –Jimmy Alvarado (Fat) it. –Jimmy Alvarado (Dead Ones) were to ask me about favorite bands, the singing mushy love shit at the top of my Descendents are one of them. I’m pretty lungs. Hypocrisy, you say? P’shaw, says DESPITE ALL THIS...: DEADSURE: From Your sure Milo Goes to College is one of the I. Aside from the fact that the Self-titled: CD Head to Your Sacrum: CD first ten punk records I ever bought Descendents virtually invented the pop- Black and white picture of a leafless tree This is one o’ them “tough call” discs when I was in junior high and that was a punk style currently polluting the air- on cover. That usually means one thing for me. While the fact that it’s loud long time ago. They are also one of the waves (taking no so subtle cues from to me and Megan Pants agreed. Emo. doesn’t hurt, and there’s no denying few bands that I try to have a complete predecessors like the Buzzcocks and the Megan actually said that nine times out they’re proficient at what they do, the collection. There are only a few things Last), they have managed over the years of ten, that’s usually the case. But what artiness of their sound veers a tad too missing that I am not willing to spend to retain the one thing those that have you get here is what I classify as a close to emoland for me. Gonna hafta big bucks on. But I know I have every followed lack: a feeling of honest sin- garage emo/punk band that should have pass on this ‘un. –Jimmy Alvarado single full length. Now back to this here cerity. From the first note, you know waited another year to go into the studio (No Idea) release. For a quick description of this they ain’t following some formula while because the music just doesn’t sound EP, I would say that it is a combination trying to chase the fame train; this is the tight to me and the songs haven’t fully DECEASED: of Enjoy! and the All LP. Also, I truly REAL THING. A lot of effort and work grown. The vocals need a harmonizer or Rotten to the Core: CD believe from this teaser that the songs is put into what they do and it shows. some serious Pro Tools work on them. At first I thought it was one of those are going to be even better than the Even through their weakest efforts (the But hey, it’s self-released. So in their wacky punk-o-rama CDs, with all the songs from Everything Sucks. That’s All album they did right before Milo minds it’s probably justified that I have hullabaloo hits of my high school punk saying a lot because I believe they went back to college, for example, was to listen to it. –Donofthedead years highlighted. Instead, it’s a typical haven’t put out a bad release to date. To spotty at best), one can sense the level of (Despite All This...) hardcore band doing lame versions of show how much I like this and how commitment they have to the music they some of my – and everybody else’s, much of a music junkie I am, I’m going play. The four listed tunes (and bonus DEXATEENS: Self-titled: CD even the cheerleaders – favorites. Avoid. out next week and shell out some bucks tune tacked onto the last track) on Tim Kerr-produced trash rock. This is –Speedway Randy (Malt Soda) so I can get the vinyl copy. I’m such a ‘Merican bookend nicely with the pretty strong musically, but the whiney, geek! –Donofthedead (Fat) tuneage found on the band’s previous wimpy quality of the singer’s voice just DESA: effort, 1996’s Everything Sucks. The left me limp. –Jimmy Alvarado (Estrus) Demonstrates Birth: CDEP DESCENDENTS: years of playing incessantly as All (sans Average pop punk band with emo over- ‘Merican: CDEP Milo) has honed them into one mean DOWN AND AWAY/ tones. I was more excited wiping my Long has my love affair been with the machine, able to break your heart with SMALLTOWN: Split 7” cat’s ass after a stinky shit in the litter rock that the Descendents bring, rough- the vocals, slice up the remains with the For every fifteen bonehead/retread box. –Donofthedead (Substandard) ly since 1982 or so, when they were one buzzsaw guitars, and pound whatever’s oi/streetpunk bands, there’s usually a of the staple bands on Rodney B’s radio left into oblivion with a rock-solid back- couple that aren’t embarrassing to listen DESCENDENTS: show. I have personally turned hundreds beat. Best thing of all is that this is just to in mixed company, who go beyond `Merican: CDEP of people, including my wife, onto their a tease to get the kids lathered up in the “we’re from the streets and we like I am not worthy! Here is a release that is perfect blend of tough as nails hardcore impatient anticipation for the upcoming to drink” cul-de-sac of musical inspira- as comforting as a familiar blanket, your and sappy, lovey dovey pop, a sound full-length due out in a month or so. tion. The Brassknuckle Boys, The GC5, favorite beer, or masturbating. It’s a four that has since been co-opted, corrupted Although seven years is quite a long Wednesday Night Heroes, and The song EP that include two songs from the and perverted by the corporate music time for any junkie to get his fix (and Boils come immediately to mind. I’m upcoming (or by the time you read this, conglomerates and can currently be please, guys, take pity on us poor saps going to have to add Sweden’s Down the new) full length, Cool to Be You. heard being profaned by Blink 182, and drop these bombs with a little more and Away to that list. (Smalltown’s These four songs are just not enough! I Bowling for Soup and hordes of other frequency), the wait was well worth it. already on it.) As with hardcore, the want more! Gimme, gimme, gimme! It’s lesser bands. The efforts of these lesser Neither recommended nor considered challenge in oi isn’t in stretching its good to see the band was able to pull bands have thoroughly soured me on a mandatory listening, this is essential in boundaries, but reinvesting in its authenticity, updating its membership, gressed, the rock/metal element took ENDS, THE: New Rome: 7” another emo CD. If this is your thing and playing songs that aren’t merely to hold more. There is even a song with The Ends are one of my favorite new and you can ignore the terrible packag- be played over the gravesites of dead some rap. This is exemplifies my mem- bands, but I don’t think this is my ing, check them out. –Toby greats, but something that sounds like a ory of what punk became late in that favorite single by them. Perhaps I’m (Combat Rock) buzzsaw cutting down the house of his- decade. Sort of a confused patchwork crazy, but the recording on the a-side is tory. Down and Away’s songs are on of influences. I’m not trying to dismiss a tad too hot for my liking. It’s almost ERROR: Self-titled: CD par with the top terrace of bands cur- this at all, because I truly am enjoying like someone’s subliminally crinkling Funny, I liked ‘em more a decade ago, rently playing this style. Smalltown listening to this. My band at the time aluminum foil in the background. It’s when they had completely different could be poised for a breakout. It’s went through the same progression and not crackly, but it sounds tinny and it’s members, lived in Germany, and were been ages since I thought that early never really has focused on one sound. hard to crank the volume up on. The called Atari Teenage Riot. –Jimmy Stiff Little Fingers could be toppled on This hits close to home. I believe this a title track plays it really close to the Alvarado (Epitaph) its own terms and Smalltown’s creep- discography of sorts. It’s kind of cool Stitches’ “Brain’s on Vacation,” espe- ing up to the greatness of “Alternative that it gives me a second chance to hear cially in the mid-tempos and vocal ESTER DRANG: Ulster.” Their cut on this split, a band I have never heard. delivery (snot, whine, sneer, and if a Infinite Keys: CD “Changes,” just puts one more poker –Donofthedead (Arclight) striped shirt could make a sound). I like Softer music in the vein of Radiohead’s chip on the top of the pile I’m hoarding it when The Ends eviscerate while The Bends. Think lots of pianos, high- to bet they’ll be a lot of people’s EAST BAY CHASERS: It admiring bands of the past, like when pitched crooning. For a very long time, favorite band in the upcoming year. Came From the East Bay: 7” they covered Eater and Elvis Costello. I bought damn near any Jade Tree Flawless track. –Todd (Broken Bones) Loud but pretty nondescript punk rock. “Saw It Coming,” the b-side, is better, release without question, simply Pretty much forgot what it sounded like and does just that – conjures up some because it was on Jade Tree. I trusted DRESDEN 45: as soon as it was over. –Jimmy of the ghosts of the past while offering the label to provide more interesting Paradise Lost (Expanded): CD Alvarado (Five and Dime) a row of freshly poured shots. “Saw It fare like Cap’n Jazz, Lifetime, Trial By This band passed under the radar for Coming” has got the elbowroom, Fire, Kid Dynamite, Strike Anywhere, me during the late ‘80s. It was a weird EASTERN YOUTH: What Can swagger, and bounce that shows how etc. (conveniently forgetting the period for me in regards to punk. My You See from Your Place: CD good the Ends can be. Still, a 50/50 7” Promise Ring discs). This album basi- alcohol intake was at an all-time high Edgy, angular, post-prefix-core from from this band is definitely not a throw- cally ended that for me. It’s not that it’s and I had stopped reading zines. I Japan (and sung in Japanese). It has an away and is better than ninety-eight a bad record (I actually bought a copy bought punk records randomly and at a emo breakdown edge to it and would percent of the stuff out there. –Todd before this showed up in the mail), it’s high risk of buying something bad. I probably sound really pretty to people (Dirtnap) just that I finally got around to noticing didn’t know who was important or not, who like their emo to have a delicate that Jade Tree releases records which but I was not completely out. The first feel about with something resembling ENDSTAND: just don’t interest me as much. thought I had when I saw this CD in the singing, with appropriate cracking as Hit And Run: CDEP –Puckett (Jade Tree) review bin? “German.” Wrong. I look the vocalist begins to strive for regis- Fancy photo of some obscure land- on the back and see that this band was ters which are beyond his range. It’s an scape, pretty butterfly behind the ESTROGENOCIDE: from Texas. What the heck, I’ll bring it odd and interesting fusion – there’s a band’s name, fancy cursive font for the Self-titled: CD home and check it out. What’s it going definite influence of Japanese pop and title… hmm… smells a lot like an emo I don’t know much about the electronic to hurt? The first thought I have when traditional music here, particularly in CD to me. As I got ready to jam pencils music that I just dub techno, but I know the CD starts is that these guys sound the vocal expression, but the music in my ears again, this band turned out that this is awful. Sounds like they Nardcore meets East Coast hardcore. A seems to stem pretty solidly from the to be hardcore. Well, melodic hardcore, broke out the casio and pushed the mix between Ill Repute and RKL DC scene in the middle of the 1990’s. that is, kinda like Thrice with a singer sample techno beat and growled the infused with the Crumbsuckers and Regardless, a few interesting stylistic that sounds like Roger Miret from vocals a bit to sound spooky. Lyrics Ludichrist. You can hear the crossover deviances or variances from an already Agnostic Front. Didn’t really do any- like, “OJ’s wife was cheating/ So she sound laced all over the songs, which shitty genre norm aren’t enough to thing for me besides make me sigh in must suffer/ It is better to kill her/ Than was rampant at the time. Double bass make a good album. –Puckett relief that I didn’t have to sit through it is to fuck her.” No thanks. –Megan drums and the guitar solos. As they pro- (Five One, Inc.) (M.H.) EVAPORATORS, THE: in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, so perfect soundtrack for a fucked up day. some political rant, which explains Ripple Rock: CD that counts). The Rock & Roll Hall of Musically, the band is tight, tense, and their next song, but the rant is longer AT LAST IT CAN BE TOLD: I, Rev. Fame is in Cleveland. Joe Siegel & always on the verge of an explosion. than the song itself. And this continues Nørb, am partially of French-Canadian Jerry Shuster were from Cleveland, and It’s not what I normally listen to, but I for every song. Usually young. Mostly extraction!!! It’s true! My great-great- they invented Superman™. Jerry like it. I don’t know if this will help hardcore. Rarely profound. Enter Find great-great-great-great-great-great Seinfeld is such a big fan of anyone, but Exfork sounds like how I Him And Kill Him. They include the grandmother was one of Les Filles du Superman™ that, as i understand it, hoped The Locust would sound like rants after each song’s lyrics in the liner Roi – “The Daughters of The King” – some manner of Superman™-image is when I first heard about The Locust. notes. One includes the following gem, one of around 700 swingin’ young visible in each and every episode of –Sean (Geykido Comet) “Every couple of years, various sub- ladies shipped out from France in the Seinfeld ever made. Who played genres of punk achieve some modicum 17th Century to what is now Quebec – George Costanza’s father on Seinfeld? FALL-OUTS, THE: of mainstream success.” First of all, essentially the French government’s Jerry Seinfeld’s dad! And who was Summertime: CD you can’t achieve “some modicum” attempt at keeping the colonists of Jerry Seinfeld’s dad recently in an There’s no way this is the same Fall- (literally “some a little”) of success, Nouveau Francais down on the farm by AOL™ commercial with? That’s right! Outs that I remember. Their old you can achieve a modicum, but that’s trucking them over a few boatloads of Snoop Dogg! And, on track 18 of records, Here I Come and Sleep, were another story. My point of contention is brides, owing to the complete and utter Ripple Rock, who is caught in the act of pretty good. Kinda garage, kinda pop, in that they believe their statement to scarcity of Quebecian poontang in the absconding with Nardwuar’s Richard heavily ‘60s-influenced. Maybe they be true. Other than pop-punk (one sub- 1600s (rendering 17th Century Quebec Pryor album? THAT’S RIGHT!!! weren’t exactly a rock sensation genre, one extended time frame), what essentially identical to 21st Century SNOOP DOGGITY DOGG!!! So, as sweeping the nation, but they definitely facets of punk have become successful Wisconsin, i might wish to add). So, you can plainly see, Nardwuar and i are had their moments. If anything cool to even a small degree within main- yup, i come clean: My great-great- practically cousins! OUR GREAT- happened on this album, I slept right stream society? The majority of the great-great-great-great-great-great GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT- through it. Who thought it would be a album falls into the same pattern of grandmother was a mail-order bride for GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GRANDPA good idea to be artsy, anyway? –Josh presenting a pretty weak argument for some horny French-Canadian fur trap- JEROME TOLD ME TO TELL YOU (Estrus) whatever it is that they’re against in a per. Now, you’re saying, gee, Rev. TO BUY THIS IMMEDIATELY!!! My particular song. As for the music: pret- Nørb, that’s all well and good, but side of the family doesn’t go to the FIFTH HOUR HERO: ty generic hardcore. – Megan exactly how does your far-flung ethnic reunions any more, though, on account Scattered Sentences: LP (Happy Couples Never Last) heritage have a god damn thing to do of we got pissed the Anglos wouldn’t This is so damn good! French with the latest release from Nardwuar admit the Rougeau Brothers were Canadians writing catchy, Discount- FLAT STANLEY: The American Original & Company? greater athletes than Iron Mike Sharpe. esque punk songs about the two great Analbum Cover: CD Glad you asked that, sir. You see, The BEST SONG: I know it’s a cover, but punk rock themes – love and politics! This sounds like one o’ them bands Filles du Roi program was enacted who here cannot ask themselves this Je l’aime! I think I have finally found a from the mid-’80s that used to play under Louis XIV. Louis Quatorze, of question and not come up with “Barney record that can tear me away from my hardcore and decided to experiment course, had a song named after him Rubble Is My Double?” BEST SONG compulsive Onion Flavored Rings with their sound by introducing pop recorded by Bow Wow Wow. Malcolm TITLE: “I Say That on Purpose to Bug obsession! This is Cinnamon Toast elements to the mix, like Marginal McLaren was Bow Wow Wow’s man- You (But Not Intentionally)” FANTAS- Crunch – bouncy music you can rock Man, After the Fact-era MIA, or TSOL ager. Malcolm McLaren also managed TIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: Also out to while arguing about anarchism! right after Joe Wood joined the band. It the Sex Pistols. The Sex Pistols are in available on 8-track! –Rev. Nørb –Maddy (No Idea) ain’t bad, but this sounds a just wee bit the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (i (Alternative Tentacles) dated. –Jimmy Alvarado (Amp) THINK they’re in the Rock & Roll FIND HIM AND KILL HIM: Hall of Fame – but if they haven’t been EXFORK: A Cure for the Cut Them to Pieces: CD FOR THE WORSE: inducted, i know for a fact that some of Disease Called Man: 10” You know those shows where a band Couldn’t Give Two the original lyrics for the songs on This is noisy hardcore with borderline unknown to you burst out with their Shits About the Kids: CD Never Mind the Bollocks are on display cookie monster vocals – but on the first song and catch your attention? As I write this, the various Cthulhu-like good side of that vocal border. It’s a They then fuck it all up by going on arms of the Great American Media Conglomerate Monster are tripping over FRENEMIES: Friendship: CD like add handclaps. In the same song. seemingly disparate sounds and styles to each other with the happy “news” that And it works. Instead of rifling through excellent, if a bit confusing at first, th There’s a sticker on this CD that calls this day is the 40 anniversary of a cer- this “New solo project from famed Oxes the song as fast as possible in a blur, effect. It’s funky and danceable; it has a tain mop-topped British muzak quartet drummer Chris Freeland. A strange they play equally as fast as they play beat and even I can move my feet to it. performing on the Ed Sullivan Show. brew of hip-hop, punk and post-pop!!!” catchy. No easy feat. They’ve also –Puckett (GSL) Being the keen sensor that I am, I detect If anybody can clue me in as to what nailed the tightly wrought and well- that this warmed-over bit of nostalgic post-pop is, I’m all ears. And “oxes” articulated rage of early Articles of GRABASS CHARLESTONS: flotsam is dressed up as “news” in the isn’t a word. –Potsi (no label or address Faith, where you can hear that they’ve The Greatest Story hopes that sheep people cradled in the or anything, but hey, it’s a new solo pro- got anger, not only with their limbs Ever Hula’d: CD arms of the Media Monster will feel ject from famed Oxes drummer Chris when they’re bashing their instruments, Sounds more or less like a punk-base- compelled – by some dim, flickering Freeland!) but with their brains, which is an impor- ment version of the first Rites of Spring pang of sentimentality and/or a need to tant distinction. (It’s the distinction album (which, now that i think about it, keep-up-with-the-Jonestowners – to FROM MONUMENT TO between being a malcontented misfit is the only Rites of Spring album) (and rush out to the nearest Superstore and MASSES: The Impossible and a meathead, really.) The title song is which is curious, as one would have max out their credit cards on the mind- Leap in One Hundred in the first person, from the perspective previously assumed that the Rites of numbing array of products carrying this Single Steps: CD of Death’s own house band (where they Spring album was its own punk-base- particular band’s brand name. Just a Medio-core. It’s angular, edgy, disso- continually bring the house down and ment version), with a few scattered guess. I, for one, am not all a-titter over nant, sometimes melodic – hell, it’s kill themselves), which is a pretty punk-basement Hüsker Jünior (“Hüsker this marketing ploy disguised as news. even downright pretty at times (“The fuckin’ cool twist. Incredibly recom- Jü?”)-isms as some manner of yeoman- Through the years, the constant barrage Quiet Before”). It seems political; the mended. –Todd (Deranged) ly garnish. And, while there are a couple of pro-mop-top muzak/propaganda has liner notes contain about as many slo- of cool lyrical moments here and there forced me to detest everything they’ve gans as a Manic Street Preachers album. FUNCTIONAL BLACKOUTS, (“Breaking bottles in the streets/’til the become and most of what they stood for It features samples from news broad- THE: Self-titled: LP coppers bring the heats,” from and to become so callous that I have casts (about the attack on the World Crazy, noisy, zingy shit out of Chicago “Youth”), overall things are are pretty been known to take a malicious, if juve- Trade Center, from George W. Bush) that seems to be forever detonating much in that same muddled and cryptic nile, delight in the Meatmen’s anti-mop- and movies (including Pump up the miniature nuclear bombs in hidden “i-am-working-out-some-emotional- top song “One Down, Three to Go.” (By Volume) which seem to offer a critique pockets of the vinyl. The guitar sounds issues-here” vein as latter-period the way, has Tesco changed it to “Two of the existing power structures and like it’s powered by a metal blade Connie Dungs, but minus the precision Down...” now?) In fact, to celebrate my policies in place today, but mostly it’s attached to a blender and the vocalist elements that occasionally led me to profound disinterest in this happy day just musical meandering with little seems like he’s in a perpetual state of give Brandon Dung the benefit of the and that painfully played-out band, I effect and, honestly, why the fuck does a strangulation with feet skittering to get doubt that he was actually singing about will shut off my TV and radio and will band which is as musically articulate traction back on the top of the chair in something of relevance. The occasional steer clear of any “news” papers and and talented as this need to create a pas- order to loosen the noose. Nice. I’d put lapses into the merely trite (“Suicide at will, instead, put For the Worse into my tiche of samples to convey political this in league with the Tyrades – for $8 an Hour” – like every 20-year-old CD player over and over again. I will intent or speech? There’s not much dif- pure shoelace-holding-it-together mop jockey in the world hasn’t written wallow in the pig-licious vocals that are ference between this and prog rock, wreck-the-place-fantastic gumption – this song in their head at one point in a cross between Blaine from the although this does have more in com- and the Lost Sounds for the ability to time [except for those of us who were Accused and Sam Kinison. I will drink mon with At The Drive-In than Yes. make a form of garage music that’s oth- 20 year old mop jockeys in the Reagan heartily of the bloody lowbrow pro- –Puckett (Dim Mak) erworldly, atmospheric, and simultane- era, in which case the song was called rassler lyrics and toothless hate spew. ously caustic and catchy. –Todd “Suicide at $4 an Hour”]) don’t affect And I will happily let the meat-stomp- FRONT, THE: Self-titled: CD (Criminal I.Q.) things much either way. I dunno. When ing street punk crunch of the music ren- If Pat Benatar was young again and i listen to punk rock, i’m looking for a der any remaining mop-top vestiges in morphed into Brody from the Distillers GAMMA RAYS/ tribal war-whoop so mighty that the my brain into an easily-flushable intesti- and played in a punk’n’roll band, this is HIGH SCHOOL HELLCATS: forces of my oppression, including but nal soup like the one in the toilet bowl what I would picture. –Donofthedead Split Personality: Split CD not limited to the mundanity of my daily on the cover of this disc. –Aphid Peewit (The Front) This is apparently a girls vs. guys split existence, are rendered, at least for a (Rodent Popsicle) and the girls kicked the guy’s asses on time, inert. This CD is more like an FUCK YEAHS, THE: this one. Both bands are pop punk and annex of additional mundanity. What, i FOR THE WORSE: Self-titled 7” sound like many other bands that I re-boot from this disc in case my exist- Couldn’t Give Two Shits Pop hardcore that’s nicely dented and would be able to name right now if I ing mundanity files crash? BEST About the Kids: CD sparking, like a muffler about to drop wasn’t high. The Gamma Rays are the SONG: “Youth” BEST SONG TITLE: Post-Negative Approach hardcore not out of rusted-out Malibu, driving by a males and they just seem to be a bit too “Beer Exile” FANTASTIC AMAZING unlike bands like Out Cold, although chemical plant that’s very vapors proba- slow to really get my attention. The TRIVIA FACT: Appearing on the cover these guys seem more fixated on bly cause cancer and definitely cause High School Hellcats are just the right of Razorcake is no guarantee your wrestling than the aforementioned band stupidity. It’s “they had to have been tempo and a little bit snotty as well. album won’t be routed to a fucking and are more reminiscent of a non-metal kicked in the womb” punk. As with the There is no contest here. –Toby prick like myself for review! Crumbsuckers than Negative Approach. Vindictives (instead of taking cues from (Beatville) –Rev. Nørb (No Idea) –Jimmy Alvarado (Rodent Popsicle) the Beach Boys, they’re cribbing Pegboy and Effigies), The Fuck Yeahs GIRLUSH FIGURE: GREAT REDNECK HOPE, FREEZE, THE: Land of the leave an effect not unlike an over-the- Rotten to the Core: CD THE: ‘Splosion!: CD Lost and Rabid Reaction: CD counter medicine overdoses. Short This runs along the lines of very early First of all, this disc has some of the best Doctor Strange does the dirty work by songs, mood swings, and volatility. Hole, although more Babes in Toyland song titles I’ve ever seen. Honestly, how putting together the first two Freeze Beyond the huffing Testors ‘til your in their delivery, right down to the hand- the fuck can you overlook songs with full-lengths and tacks on alternate ver- eyes bleed, living-with-your-mom-and- written lyric sheet. –Jimmy Alvarado titles like “They Say The People Elect sions of Guilty Face EP for twenty- digging-it, shit-your-pants-and-smile (Rodent Popsicle) The Government They Deserve, But I seven cuts of quintessential flags they’re flying, this 7” is all welded Don’t Remember Knife-Raping Any Massachusetts punk rock. I love the and riveted together incredibly strong, GOD AWFULS, THE: Retarded Nuns”? Sure, it falls along the Freeze. Only three of the tracks scrape like it was overseen by greater Next Stop Armageddon: CD lines of more chaotic hardcore like the three-minute mark. They never got Midwestern forces of snow banks and Was kinda wary of this based on the Men’s Recovery Project, The Locust, over-exposed (because Cliff Hanger’s subzero temperature. Takashi from name of the band and their poseur’s The Blood Brothers, Melt-Banana and out of his tree [he’ll show you pictures Sweet JAP’s in it, too. (And, for some fashion sense. Their music, a mix of even some death metal at times, but the of his bent wang without much asking] reason when listening to this band, I just hardcore and chanty punk rock, is occa- more I listen to this, the more it grows and they didn’t tour far and wide that realized if you add more letters to his sionally a little more “professional on me. Sure, maybe they’re trying to be much), but have stayed just this side of name, it becomes Tak(e) A Shi(t).) punk” than is comfortable for these ears, extreme, but isn’t that a better option accessible, right next to the hump of Highly recommended. –Todd but, their lyrics are pretty well written, than, as so many other bands seem to obscurity. What’s not to like? Buzzsaw (Learning Curve) their hearts seem to be in the right place, strive for, sucking? At least this elicits guitars, full-blown paranoia, lots of and the song about the NRA was really some reaction other than boredom. And, songs about killings and mental instabil- FUCKED UP: good on all levels. In short, I’ve defi- quite honestly, it’s really pretty fucking ity, walls of sound, the melody of musi- Dance of Death: 7” nitely heard much, much worse. good. –Puckett (Thinker Thought) cal bullets whizzing by, and the primal This is no fill-by-numbers, easy-to-shat- –Jimmy Alvarado (Kung Fu) noise that’s neck-and-neck with other ter Shrinky Dink punk. I’d put Fucked HARUM SCARUM: often overlooked but cherished greats, Up on current hardcore’s top shelf with GOGOGO AIRHEART: The Last Light: LP like Flag of Democracy. The Freeze set Out Cold. The excellence is in the inob- Self-titled: CD It’s been awhile since I listened to their the standard for speed and melody, just vious details. The basic elements are Fuck genres. This is as much Fela last LP, Suppose We Try. That was a this side of full-blown thrash. there for any hardcore band to pick up Anikulapo Kuti as it is James Chance, great record! That was enough for me to Mandatory punk listening that’s much on. Yes, they’ve got seething hatred, the and as much Negativland as it is Wire or send out some cash when I got an email more cost effective than paying hun- type that oozed out of Negative Gang Of Four. In my estimation, the key about a new release. I thought they had dreds on ebay for their first single. Approach like a toxic sweat. But then to this reissue is understanding that it’s a broken up since I hadn’t really heard –Todd (Doctor Strange) they go and do something unexpected playful record – it explores and stretch- anything about the es musical boundaries, combining band in a while. I had 87 read that the band members were playing Shallow, North Dakota. No need to beat in other bands and doing other things. your head against the wall, folks, just Just like the last record, this record is turn on Hide Your Daughters and let ‘em amazing. This recording has a straight- do it for you. –Greg Barbera (No List) forward sound that is moody and sad while maintaining a feeling of anxiety. HITCHHIKERS, THE: The music is adventurous and creates a Demo: CD dark atmosphere. Lyrics of despair and Ex-Bleeder/Humper Mitch Cartwright anger connect the ambience of the dirge. has been out and about with this new More personal insight of the injustices of band of his for some time now and I the world are pinpointed. I love that this gotta admit, it’s actually pretty fucking sounds so progressive yet the music still cool to see him fronting his band, The propels forward with a sense of urgency. Hitchhikers. Included in the fold is Steve It sounds that the time away was well “Stingy Brim” Spills (ex-Neurotones) spent to create a record that is uniquely and Eric (also an ex-Bleeder) on guitars. theirs while staying away from the for- Pimp-slapping the kit is Marty (ex-He’s mula that is followed by so many other Dead Jim) and ya got Mitch pulling bands. Musically challenging and vocal duties while workin’ the bass git- thought-provoking. There are two things ter. How do they sound? Think of The on my wish list from this band: I hope Humpers showing The Supersuckers they come down to LA and grace us with how it’s done, and with this demo, their presence, and I also hope more there’s some really cruisin’ rock and roll recordings are coming down the that thuds the back of yer ribcage, leav- pipeline. –Donofthedead ing a faint, sickening feeling in the pit of (Partners in Crime) the stomach, unlike getting kicked in the nerts. Yep, it’s that good, fuckface, so HELLBLOCK 6: save yourself the drunken, fist-swinging Burnin’ Doom: CD arguments amongst you and your dumb- Dude, drawings of severed fingers are ass friends and visit their website. As of cool. Satan rocks. How come your singer now, their full-length has yet to come doesn’t squeal like he got a nut ripped out, but logging onto their site will give from his body by a demonic rottweiller, you a chance to hear these tunes for like King Diamond does? That’s, like, a yourself. Your animal porn site’s not total bummer, man. –Jimmy Alvarado going anywhere, so what’s your excuse? (World Eater) Just do it, you sick fuck. –Designated Dale (www.thehitchhikers.com) HENRY FIAT’S OPEN SORE: The Parallel Universe of...: CD HOLY MOUNTAIN: There’s something wonderfully intrusive Your Face in Decline: 7” EP about HFOS. Most bands that pretend to Loud, disjointed rhythms to keep things be dangerous just don’t have that intan- interesting, one pissed off singer... this is gible it. These guys do. Whenever I try to some pretty good hardcore. –Jimmy describe them I almost always – no, wait, Alvarado (No Idea) always – wind up painting a picture sim- ilar to that of a toppled over short bus HONOR SYSTEM, THE: spilling out with whooping hebephrenics Rise and Run: CD wearing their underpants on their heads A mixture of college rock and emo that and running naked into a Lutheran pot- turned me off like smelling my own diar- luck picnic and smearing themselves rhea. –Donofthedead (Grey Flight) with potato salad and defecating on bibles, etc, etc. Good, sturdy, dangerous HOT CROSS: Cryonics: CD fun. And the amazing thing is that this This blend of screamo hardcore is disso- lovable quality comes across on record. nant and angular with a slight metallic Overall, Parallel Universe has a slightly influence. It also makes me search for less sociopathic Ramones-ish flavor to it something which grabs my ears because than the full-on criminal lunacy of there’s nothing that accomplishes that Idiotia Hyperactiva or Adulterer- here. –Puckett (Level Plane) Oriented Rock, but the unusually bent teeth of genuine twistedness are still IN MEDIAS RES: sticking out of the mangy gums of this The Adequate Seven Inch: 7” thing and even at low volume they still Four inspired songs searching for the will chomp a Gary Coleman-sized divot Dischord sound but not getting there, out of your Lutheran ass. –Aphid Peewit especially with the awkward drum solo (Coldfront) and the keyboard outro. –Speedway Randy (2 Keys) HEROS & ZEROS: Wake-Up Call: CD INVENTING EDWARD: Interesting band from Holland whose We’ve Met an Impasse (By singer sounds like Degz from Oi Polloi Midnight We’ll Be Naked): CD backed by a German street punk band I’ve been struggling with this album for with horns. The songs are straightfor- several months now. It sounds like col- ward and come off basic in sound. The lege rock from the 1980s and 1990s guitars, bass, and drums are bland. What updated for a new decade which has no catches my attention is the strong vocal use for it, blending emo, art rock, per- delivery and the accenting of the songs haps a touch of prog…you get the drift. with the horns. Otherwise, I would have There’s a fair degree of impressive musi- pulled this off the player at the first song. cianship here (particularly the drumming –Donofthedead (Mad Butcher) and the soaring vocals), but these noodly guitars drive me batshit. It’s almost all HIDE YOUR DAUGHTERS: notes – played slowly. As such, this is Twisted and Distorted pretty much incapable of rocking by any Gender Relations 101: CD definition, no matter how loose, of that Canadian noise rock for rolling around word. Despite listening to this thing at on the floor in broken glass and cigarette least a dozen times, I still have absolute- ashes after your girlfriend fucks your ly no reaction to it. However my gut feel- best friend. It’s got a very AmRep kinda ing is that most readers of this magazine feel, and lord knows we don’t find (and by most I mean all but one or two) enough bands like that around these will have no use for it at all. –Puckett days. Would fit nicely on a triple bill (Substandard) between sets by the Cutthroats 9 and J CHURCH: Palestine: CD songs on it, including the amazing and slowly pulled me under. I’m having M.O.T.O.: Spiral Slouch: 7” I first heard J Church around the time of “Hops and Barley.” The first side of this to restrain myself from listening to it M.O.T.O.’s been around long enough to Prophylaxis and Quetzalcoatl; I kept up record has early stuff from a split 7” more than a couple of times a day, and be long-forgotten if they were a mere with the band for several albums and with Wat Tyler, the Eagle 7”, and the all the other records that I usually listen parody or joke band (they’ve been then we parted ways because the songs Beerpig 7”. All great stuff. All songs to seem to have lost their luster. If I around since about 1981 and if you see didn’t seem to mean as much to me any- that prove what an amazing band claimed to be anything less than totally the Bolt LP in the racks, it’s a keeper). more. They were catchy but I just lost Leatherface really is. The second side amazed, I’d be a goddamn liar. I can’t Sure, they’re goofy as hell and do-a- my appreciation for the band some- has a cover of “I Can’t Help Falling,” imagine that a better record is going to blood-test-to-see-if-they’re-legally- where along the way. As far as Palestine which I think is an Elvis song, a cover of come out this year. –Josh (BYO) retarded, but their blend of pop sensibil- goes, it reminds me of what could have a Damned song, the piano ballad ities slapped and dashed against many a happened if Bob Mould had reverted to “Shipyards” (the song that I always skip M.O.T.O. (MASTERS OF THE punk rock always makes me smile. music reminiscent New Day Rising or when I listen to The Last CD by OBVIOUS): Kill M.O.T.O.: CD Sweet fuck, “Wind It Out” reminds me Flip Your Wig for his first solo effort. Leatherface, but it’s harder to skip over The true mark of off-kilter pop music of Cat Stevens and I’m singing along to The songs have hooks and they’re rela- it on this record), an acoustic version of with punk intentions is that it’ll implant it. I don’t know if I should put the gun to tively catchy, but the effort just seems “In My Life” and a couple of good the seed and before you catch yourself, my head or shoot it up in the air in jubi- like more of the same. If you’re a J songs that get lost in between the last you’ll be screaming the dumbest shit at lation. –Todd (Shit Sandwich) Church fan, you will likely already own four that I mentioned. To be honest, I the top of your lungs or at the most inap- this. If you aren’t, there’s no reason to usually only listen to Side A of this. If propriate times. Just listen to “I Hate MDC: start here (try The Precession of you’re already a Leatherface fan, I rec- My Fucking Job” and not have the notes Now More than Ever: CD Simulacra as a different entry point). ommend this. If you just want to check leap into your brain like hantavirus. Man, you know you’re getting old when –Puckett (Honey Bear) this band out and see why we praise Masters of the Obvious take a brave ear MDC has a “greatest hits” package out. them so highly here in Razorcake, pick – if you’ve never heard of them before – Saw this band many a time back when I KILLER DREAMER: Survival up Dog Disco first. –Sean (Deranged) and the requirement that you’ve got a was young, bald and mad at the world Guns b/w Pterodactyl 2: 7” sense of humor about song structures. (which means I’m somehow in a differ- Beer-in-bag, dirty zombie action rock LEATHERFACE: Kill M.O.T.O.’s equal parts guy-on- ent place now that I’m mad at the world, via San Pedro, CA. One song’s about a Dog Disco: CD cardboard-asking-for-change (the last old and destined to go bald), and while dinosaur bird plucking a friend off the Among Leatherface fans, it’s pretty song, in particular), the on-par brilliance they always struck me as a little too street, then blood dripping from the sky. much universally agreed on that Mush is that people claim the Beach Boys have uptight in the early days, they were These two songs fit nicely, somewhere their best album, and with good reason. (I still haven’t been convinced of Brian never dull to watch. Their records were between the Bananas’ knack for making Not only did that album find new ways Wilson’s contribution to music), a always an event, though, ‘cause not only songs that rock hard and sweet yet to piledrive the listener with every spin, sweaty leather jacket, and balls as big as did you get what at the time was some remain fuzzy and gritty and the it seemed like the records that followed King Kong’s. Hits are plentiful on this of the most punishing and musically Fleshies’ superhuman ability to trailer were much more subdued, more focused one, but out of the seventeen tracks, my complex hardcore (seem to remember hitch old-fashioned rock hooks onto on writing songs than actively poking favorites have to be “The Chicks Can that their guitarist was a major jazz new, not-quite-definable wingnut weird- you in the brain. That’s not to say that Tell,” (“I’m chucking off photons, neu- hound, and it showed), you also got ness. Live, they boom the hell out of a they were bad, because they weren’t, trons, hard ons/ the chicks can tell.”) the some heady reading in the liner notes, living room. Recommended. –Todd and your life would be greatly enriched aforementioned “I Hate My Fucking with all kinds of information about how (Kapow) by owning records like Minx and Job,” and “We Are the Rats.” All are on the US government was keeping itself Horsebox. To be perfectly honest, the par with the best of M.O.T.O., busy in other countries and how the LEATHERFACE: first week or so that we had this, I was “Crystallize My Penis” included. police were here to protect the elite’s Discography Part 2, just glad that Leatherface was still a M.O.T.O. does a great job of reminding assets from being defiled by the riff raff Rare and Unreleased: LP band and that they weren’t embarrassing us that senses of humor are as invalu- that most of us common folks are, and As the title would suggest, this has some themselves. After about ten listens, they able as beer and air. –Todd recommended reading if you wanted to hard or impossible to find Leatherface got me in their musical drop toe hold (Criminal I.Q.) know more. Somewhere around the late ‘80s, though, they kinda dropped offa made the rounds through the under- twelve songs fit nicely together, there’s core that reminds me of Lack of the radar screen, and I lost track of ‘em, ground, all served up with a healthy an overwhelming TV Smith lock- Interest. I guess I should be more excit- although I did hear that some o’ the dose of punk rock “love us, hate us, but ’n’load feel to all the songs (they also ed, but right now the cookie monster boys got pinched by the pigs and were you ain’t gonna ignore us” attitude. cover the Adverts’ “My Place”) that vocals are not doing it for me. spending some time locked up and “on Mind you, they ain’t mining the above give them substance, weight, and blast –Donofthedead (Hater of God) vacation,” as they call it in the ‘hood, musical styles by settling on one style where some of the more new wavey- and saw that Dave was still releasing for one song and then another the next. inclined bands rely on lazier look-at- MOTORCYCLE PROM product now and then with a different Au contraire, these guys are not only me, I’m-touching-the-keys-and-look- DATES, THE/ lineup. So, this is the first time I’ve smooshing all these styles together into ing-sexy isms. What helps tie it all THE SHUTUPS: Split: CD actually heard some o’ this stuff and one raucous gumbo of sound on nearly down is the fact that Cera Bella Palsy’s Prom Dates: pretty standard rock/punk I’ve gotta say, some of the newer stuff EVERY TRACK, they are making it keyboard finds a way to wind through band. Terrible cover of the Ramones’ sharing the, uh, grooves (do CDs even work: soaring guitars layered on top of every song, and not merely as a gar- “Bop ‘til You Drop.” Shutups: More of HAVE grooves?) here with the early Cuban piano forms fueled by the stac- nish, but as the circulatory system to the same, although their cover of classics aren’t too shabby in their own cato of reggae, with some mighty fine, many of the tunes. Excellent stuff. Not Motorhead’s “R.A.M.O.N.E.S.” was right. Many of the newer tunes show often bilingual, lyrics served up inna as derivative as the first listen may lead better than the other band’s cover. Dave’s wry sense of humor coming to dancehall style, all of it slathered over a you to believe. Smash! Smash! Smash! While neither band is particularly the forefront more often than in the drum ‘n’ bass backbeat. This is some –Todd (Dirtnap) lousy, they aren’t exactly pee-in-the- early days, as evidenced in his sendoffs very creative, very heady stuff that pants exciting, either. –Jimmy to two of punk’s most reviled figures, works on a variety of levels, which is a MINORITY BLUES BAND: Alvarado (Motorcycle Prom Dates) Ronald Reagan and Skrewdriver’s Ian polite way of saying yes, the booty can Grab the Fire Stuart (the title of the latter, “Nazis be shook quite nicely to it, but you just Swinging in the Rain: CD MR. CALIFORNIA AND Shouldn’t Drive,” caused me to laugh might find yourself thinking, too, if you Rule number one: Japanese punk rock- THE STATE POLICE: out loud). If you’re looking for the don’t watch out. This is easily my pick ers play their instruments better than Untitled: 7” “best” of MDC, all’s you need is their of the issue and, quite possibly, of American punk rockers. Rule number Dumb as a bucket of cold pud, ineptly first album, the More Dead Cops LP 2003. –Jimmy Alvarado two: everything Snuffy Smile records recorded, booger-eating-simple lo-fi (which compiles all their early EPs), (www.mezklah.com) releases is fucking awesome. Rule synth-punk sprinkled with little bits of and Smoke Signals (if two albums number three: well, it’s not so much a Gibby Haynes, the Crucifucks, and worth of MDC just ain’t enough). If MIKE TOSCHI: rule, but pick up this album already. If plenty of whirling intestinal synthesiz- you’re interested in catching up to Mock Democracy: CD you like Leatherface, Hüsker Dü, and er floowumps. Kinda funny, kinda stu- where the band are these days musical- Oh, dear lord, no! Whispery, breathy the Replacements, you won’t be disap- pid, totally charming. –Aphid Peewit ly, this is the perfect place to start while vocals over repetitive guitar, some- pointed. And, yes, I realize that (Armpit Toast) waiting for the next release to hit the times with oboe! –Megan Leatherface, Hüsker Dü, and the shelves. –Jimmy Alvarado (Beer City) (Global Seepej) Replacements don’t have that much in MRS. DOMINIC: I Can’t common with each other, but Minority Behave Myself: CDEP MEZKLAH: MINDS, THE: Plastic Girls: CD Blues Band has a lot in common with Above average, mid-tempo punk that is Spider Monkey: CD Equidistant from the Briefs (using all three. –Sean (Snuffy Smile) too paint-by-numbers. The songs are Hoo doggie, my buddy Donofthedead patented bounce technology) and the good but they could have been written is gonna shit blue Twinkies when he Epoxies (keyboards, but with a dude MONSTER X: by a million other bands. Nothing hears this bad boy. Two – count ‘em – singing), but on a triangle’s corner all Indoctrination: CD jumps out that sets them apart from the two guys, one on vocals and one on by themselves, I’ve played Plastic I remember seeing the name thrown pack. –Donofthedead (Damn Good) guitar (with the help of a drum Girls upwards of fifty times since it around in the late ‘90s in zines. Never machine), unleash one mutha of a arrived in the mail. Instead of the sheen ever listened to them or bought any- MUSTAPHAMOND: mélange of hip hop, dub, ragamuffin, wearing off, and reaching for Hit after thing. Here is another discography that Self-titled: 7” trance, funk, Cuban son, psychedelia – Hit to get my Briefs fix, I find myself takes care of all of my shopping needs. This is textbook Tourette’s-core. Six or hell, damn near every style that has getting addicted to the Minds. The A mixture of power violence and grind- seven seconds of light, happy-skipping lollipop music suddenly has the four people doing the only thing Gaelic language. Apparently only wiggly blue organs ripped out of it they know how to do in the best one percent of the population of by a screaming, bug-eyed fiend way they can do it (which is sin- Scotland still speak the language. with a scythe dripping with blood cere) in a form which is all too fre- That is a shame, looking from the and clumps of blubber and then it quently dominated by the latest outside. The Gaelic language falls like a feather back into cuddly bandwagoneers. –Puckett sounds forceful when used along- unicorns and dancing marshmal- (Librarian) side punk. It also helps that the lows for maybe twenty seconds or band is intense and passionate. This so and then the smiles explode into NO CASH: band, to me, has always been a nightmare of stringy cadavers fly- Run Your Pockets: CD protesting and alerting many people ing through the sky, tangling in Run-of-the-mill anarcho-hardcore to topics that should be addressed. I trees and after about a minute the with a tad more pop in the tunes have always appreciated this band focus suddenly softens to the than is usual. A lot of the song for their lyrical content and the Snuggles bear giggling like a child intros are drawn out considerably ferocity of their music. From the in a pile of fluffy clean laundry. longer than is good for ‘em, too. translations of the lyrics, they are Note to the band: they now have –Jimmy Alvarado (Morphius) angry and speaking out about the drugs for stuff like this. I can only problems of Scotland that most imagine that abrupt emotion erup- NORTH OF AMERICA: people do not hear about. I, for one, tions like this must make for awk- Brothers, Sisters: CD have heard nothing in the news pre- ward moments at the pottery wheel It’s getting tough for me to care sented by the North American in your Advanced Pottery class. Or whether I’ve described this or that media. But the DIY network comes is it all merely the simple joy of emo band as embodying this, that, through again to make light of clicking the little button that or the other quality. It’s getting things that I wouldn’t have learned switches between the clean and harder for me to care that so and so through mainstream channels. If dirty channels on your amps? (By said such and such about a record; you liked the last record, Fuaim the way, is Korn responsible for usually they’re wrong and their Catha, this release is even heavier. this?) I don’t know if this is one- comments mark them as an idiot to The production, across the board, is legged screamcore or just amped- boot. With that noted, this record – near perfection. As usual, I was not up mawkish emo, but if you’re fond and the rest of the records like it disappointed. One of my all-time of herky-jerky emotion bungee that I’ve reviewed lately – will like- favorite long-running bands. jumps, this bilge is for you. –Aphid ly define the sound of college rock –Donofthedead (Nikt Nic Nie Wie) Peewit (Grey Sky) in the nothings. Before you react by arguing that I couldn’t possibly ON THE MIGHT OF MUTE THE SILENCE: know what I’m talking about, I’m PRINCES: Sirens: CD Self-titled: 7” well-versed in post-core, having lis- It reminds me of what might occur Greek punk rock. Since it traveled tened to and sold more of the semi- if Thursday and Cursive collaborat- so far to get reviewed, I wish there nal works in this vein. However, I ed. If that sounds appealing, you were more positive things to say would rather have opened that vein should stop reading now because about it. The intro sounds like up and let every last bit of creative this album is unimaginative, unin- Yanni. The name is as dumb as call- blood drain out, but that’s an spiring, and almost completely ing your band Volumate the Noise. impractical solution for such a geo- uninteresting. Stop. Start. Scream. Silence is already mute. The rest graphically dispersed scene. Much Croon. Melody. Mosh. Yawn. Go sounds like serious-minded NOFX like R.E.M., New Order, The Jesus play drums on your chest and stare mixed with Strung Out and and Mary Chain, and Depeche at your shoes some more. Find Lagwagon with the vocals at a Mode created an entire style of something to yearn over and don’t higher register. They have to reel music which could be dismissed come back until you’ve either back the metal stylings and the with two derisive words (which fought your way out of a paper bag drummer knows monkey beats, but could also be desperately held on to or moved past the same stupid fuck- little else. I really wanted to give as a shred of identity by people who ing trend that’s drowning the cre- the Greeks a chance, but this was had nothing else going for them ativity of all the other bands like painfully mediocre pop punk, like besides fucked up haircuts and you. –Puckett (Revelation) one in a legion that were around in worse fashion sense – much like 1996. Greece: I like their baklava, most fans of emo, as it turns out), ONE REASON: but they can keep this band. Sorry. bands like North Of America will in All Rivers Run South; –Todd (www.mutethesilence.com) turn provide stupid fucking shit- All Roads Lead Home: CD talking assholes with ammunition I picked this up only because it’s on NEIL PERRY: to ignore and deride otherwise good Plan-It-X, and they’re the label that Lineage: 2xCD music just because it happens to be introduced me to Against Me! and You’re probably asking yourself the surrounded by whatever the fuck This Bike Is a Pipe Bomb. One same question I did when I got this: this dissonant, angular noise is and Reason is kinda what you hope for how did the world ever get along other bands that sound just like out of this label – there’s a tinge of without a Neil Perry double CD? them. Someday, we’ll look back on Woodie Guthrie, an attitude of Joe Sounds like their sweaters are chaf- this and it will all seem funny. Until Hill, and enough rock’n’roll to keep ing. –Potsi (Level-Plane) then, I’ll sell this, buy another six you interested. This band is wedged pack and listen to Gunmoll while I so well between Hot Water Music NEW YORK VAULTS: self- wait for them to start playing mid- and Against Me! that you’d expect titled: CDEP and CD single sized venues to bros of frat boys. No Idea to put out this album, but Between both of these CDs you get –Puckett (Level Plane) that’s not to say it’s too derivative. six tracks of New York rock’n’roll One Reason definitely are hashing that sounds like they could be the ODDBALLS: Oddballs’ out their own sound, and the female lost tapes of the Dolls/Ace Frehley Shit Explosion ‘94-’99: CD vocals on this are flat-out tough. sessions. Some pretty good stuff, Please tell me this is some kind of The high point is “Rest Stop,” a but there are so many bands tread- fucked up prank. More three-chord dazzling, intelligent song about ing this same ground these days (if that many) trash rawk for fans of stopping at the Trail of Tears Rest that, ultimately, they’re about as whatever garage band is the most Stop in Illinois (“do you really have unique as a band influenced by the recent flavor of the week. I would to commemorate 500 years of Rolling Stones. –Jimmy Alvarado say that there’s nothing here, but oppression with a building full of (www.thenyvaults.com) that’s giving this godawful piece of human waste?”). The low point is shit far more credit than it deserves. the Bruce Springsteen cover. In NO BALANCE: –Puckett (Scene Police) between the highs and lows is a lot Lights On: CD of good shit. –Sean (Plan-It-X) Poppy emo-punk about girls and OI POLLOI: Carson?: 7” the usual subjects (you know… What else could make my punk life ORPHANS, THE: like, life. And stuff.) from Greece. better than knowing that Oi Polloi Everybody Loves You There’s nothing really noteworthy has put out another release? I had to When You’re Dead: CD about this record – nothing hugely hear about it from a friend in anoth- Rock and roll is at a weird place special, but it’s melodic and for er country asking me to get him a right now. It’s kind of disheartening some inexplicable reason, I feel an copy. He is better informed than I. to know that there are bands out odd sort of affection for it. Maybe Here are three anarcho-punk there that cite Led Zeppelin and it’s because I can hear the sound of anthems that are sung in their native Nirvana as major influences. I don’t get it. Those bands sucked the first time, PSYCHO 78: so why would I want to hear some hip- Old School Pride: CD ster fop in vintage jeans regurgitate Normally, I stand by my reviews 100%. some half-assed ripoff? I don’t know. But I’m not sure about this one. You see, All I know is that this Orphans album last night I got drunk at a friend’s cabin will kick you in the dick and you’ll ask and, somewhere in the blurry wee morn- for seconds. Rock and roll hasn’t sound- ing hours, I tottered off and fell into one ed this vital in a long time. It kind of of the nearby beds. When I awoke, I dis- sounds like an old Dangerhouse punk covered that I had been sleeping in a band like the Avengers spliced in with queen-sized mouse litter box. There the whoopass-o-rama of the Motards, were little dark brown cigars lying about but mostly it just sounds like the everywhere; on top of the blanket, Orphans. Blood, sweat, and barbecue between the sheets and, best of all, on vomit, all rolled up in one neat little the pillow that had been cradling my big package. –Josh (Unity Squad) soggy head for several hours. It may be psychosomatic, but right now I’m not PAPERBACKS, THE: sure I can feel my lower extremities. I’m An Episode of Sparrows: CD almost sure that Hanta virus is now The first song – all gentle, lilting emo pooping out its own poisonous little cig- melodies (think Buffalo Tom without ars into my kidneys and brain right now. guts) and crooning – has a chorus of “I I’m probably a goner. But delirious as I suffer this like a dream.” Me too, dude, might be, the review must go on. So me too. –Puckett (Pshaw!) here we go: Um, this band has got a retro band name and a ghoulish blood- PARADISE ISLAND: dripping font and a skull that’s on fire – Get Up: CDEP all of which, one would assume, is a sort This EP is short – like seven minutes of homage to the Misfits (back before short. In that sense, it’s more than three they sported the egregious times better than a male stereotype. In devilock/male-pattern baldness look and the sense of the music that’s on it, I’d kicked out lame, mouseshit awful prefer to hear more. Erase Errata’s music.) So that’s cool by me. But this Jenny Hoyston put three highly interest- doesn’t really sound like the Misfits. ing songs on this, ranging from Black Musically, the title pretty much sums it Dice noise to old roots and blues-inflect- up: old school and proud of it. First time ed guitars, filled with murmured vocals around I thought it sounded a bit work- and sounding like the Young People man-like, but now – with hanta virus have at least one comrade in updating lobbing molotov cocktails into my poor older musical styles. Sure, it requires an grey mush – it has a nice pissy urgent appreciation of the noisier forms of bounce to it. Does it sound like a slight- indie (liking Erase Errata might make ly less meaty Sick Of It All or am I hal- for a good starting point), but there’s a lucinating? Fuck, I don’t know. fair bit here to like. –Puckett (Dim Mak) Whatever, I like it. If I can somehow manage to push the Grim Reaper down PEARLENE: the stairs and I’m not in a pine box in a Murder Blues and Prayer: CD few days, I’m gonna kick back and Combine garage rockers like the Count enjoy this thing properly. –Aphid Peewit Five with the Rolling Stones and update ([email protected]) it through the Cramps and the Crypt cat- alog and you’d get… well, pretty much PUT-DOWNS, THE: everything like this and the White No Worse Off: CD Stripes and all these other fucking bands These guys sound a lot like Scared of that attempt some recidivist, reduction- Chaka. So much so that every time I ist version of two-chord neo-trash rawk. play this, my wife asks me, “Is this This was tired when the Oblivians and Scared of Chaka?” No, it’s not, but they Guitar Wolf and the rest of the Crypt and do have one former member of the Estrus catalogs did it. After this album, Motards and they do cover Scared of it’s so exhausted that it’s practically (and Chaka’s “Frozen Out” and they do bring hopefully) dead on its feet. –Puckett all the melodies and rock and fuzz that I (Dim Mak) hope for in an album, and they are get- ting as many spins in my CD player as a POPULAR SHAPES/THE new Scared of Chaka album would – INTELLIGENCE: Split 7” which, in case you don’t know, is a lot. The Popular Shapes: These guys are –Sean (Mortville) starting to grow on me and I think the lower dosage of only two songs serves RADIO REELERS, THE: as a bit of an inoculation to their full- Shakin’ at the Party: CD length. You know how the Tasmanian Out of respect for this band, I won’t Devil, when he’s moving really quickly, compare them to, or even mention, the his body is just swirls with the occasion- bass player’s old band. The Radio al limb poking out? That’s what the Reelers play rock and roll stuff that Popular Shapes sound like to me. They sounds pretty much like the Devil Dogs. seem to spin songs so quickly and in They’re certainly good at sounding like such a tight circle that it’s sometimes the Devil Dogs, but the songs never real- hard to hear what’s really going on. I can ly explode out of your speakers like easily imagine them great live – if songs by superior rock and roll bands. they’re the whirlwind counterpart to It’s kind of just the same thing over and these two cuts – sharing the stage with over. It sounds like they’re more con- The Tyrades. The Intelligence: Very cerned with playing rock and roll than Dieter-rock and Teutonic-sounding. with plugging in their instruments and Fronted by an android-voiced dude and whooping your ass. Ah, fuck it, just buy framed by iceberg-y and cold knife gui- a Weird Lovemakers album. –Josh tars, metronomic drumming, and jutting (Dead Beat) angularity, it’s a wee bit too arty and a wee not as rocking for my tastes. “Cold RED ONIONS, THE: Calling” reminds me of the song on the Self-titled 7” Repo Man soundtrack, the one that kept This record sounds kind of like the Flash on repeating “Pablo Picasso was never Express if the Flash Express didn’t suck called an asshole,” just not as catchy. and spent a lot of time smoking weed –Todd (Dirtnap) and listening to Funhouse. The problem is, the Red Onions don’t really sound RIPPERS, THE: No Mört: CD ROCKET SUMMER, THE: short, this is solid enough to own and like this live, except for the smoking A Spanish band here serving up some Calendar Days: CD enjoy several times on its own merits weed part. They’d probably benefit rippin’ (pun intended) punk rock, raw Hi, Bryan Avary. Why did you present (i.e., I’d keep it regardless). However, from better production, because this and leaning toward the hardcore side of yourself as a band when you are the sole compared to the other shit I’ve sat record is so muddy that the energy does- the fence without tumbling over into person? Nice pictures of you with your through for this issue, this might as well n’t really come across. Five bucks says that camp. The unnecessary cover of “I B.C. Rich Warlock. How did you make be Strong Reaction for my money. their next record is a winner, though. Wanna Be Your Dog” notwithstanding, it sound so happy? Just wanted to say –Puckett (Haunted Town) –Josh (Revenge, never a bad idea to put these guys make a mean racket. that your songs are sweet and touching. your address somewhere on the record) Recommended. –Jimmy Alvarado (H) Made me want to go out and play hop- RYMODEE/ scotch. –Donofthedead (Militia Group) GHOST MICE: Split: CD REDSCARE, THE: RIVETHEAD: The Cheap Rymodee: First of all, I love This Bike Eight Pieces of Summer: CD Wine of Youth: 12” EP ROTGUT: El Borracho: CD Is A Pipe Bomb. So, my expectations This is not The Red Scare that released This issue’s cover band, and this bad Straight-up pissed off punk rock, the were pretty high, and I was let down at two albums on Troubleman (and I have boy is part of the reason. I’ll admit it kind of CD that the uninvited guest at a first listen. I get really excited about to say that I wish it were because I right here, I love pop punk, from Stiff frat party slaps on the host’s stereo and new sneakers, probably because I buy a might have actually liked that). To Little Fingers and the Buzzcocks to proceeds to fuck the living room up new pair on average about once every understand this record, think of the Love Songs for the Retarded-era Queers beyond repair with his size 12s. Music two years. I get them home and smile Mighty Mighty Bosstones’ Dicky and I celebrate a good portion of the to violently monkeyshine to, if you will. every time I walk into my room and see Barrett fronting a mediocre (at their Screeching Weasel catalog, but I have to Rotgut would’ve been the support band them practically shining next to my pair best) college rock band, playing music concede that I was hearing few worthy on tour with the early years of Agnostic of old faithfuls. Then I put them on for from 1992. If that sounds unappealing, torchbearers or upgrades in the 2000s. Front or Murphy’s Law. Some of you the first real time, not just around the I’ve done my job. –Puckett (Joe King, what’s the title of your next out there might even remember a few of apartment, but for the whole day. (Teenage Rampage) song? “Fuck fuck cunt fuck fuck fuck?” the members here: Their frontman, Something just feels wrong. They’re The well is dry. Go fish.) Rivethead not David Cooperstein, busted out vox with shiny and have soles fully intact, but RESTARTS, THE: only have the irresistible melodies and the SoCal outfit, Last Round Up, and they just don’t feel right. I usually won’t System Error: CD the smart-as-a-baton-across-the-mouth drummer Suzy Homewrecker laid the wear them again for a couple of days, Straight-up, no-bullshit punk rock from lyrics while not taking themselves too beat for such bands as Hollywood Hate but I keep going back because I know a ten-year-old power trio out of England seriously, they’ve got an ace in the hole. and about a million others. Way worth that with a little time they’ll fit just that owes more than a bit to early DOA, They sound relevant, like they’re actual- your time, so get your own copy of this right. That’s what happened with which isn’t bad at all. Their lyrics are ly struggling and fucking up in the before I unexpectedly show up to your Rymodee for me. I knew there was right in line with their English anarcho world at large, not just complaining that next party and introduce my size 12s. something to this, I just had to get to that brethren – especially The Subhumans Wednesday’s deli tray wasn’t supposed –Designated Dale (Rotgut contact: perfect spot with it. Redemption came and Oi Polloi – making explicit warn- to have olives with pimentos or such (562) 639-6822) in the form of some cramming before a ings about genetic tinkering, overpopu- minutia-laden crap a lot of pop punk has final and a loud group in the library lation, and the dehumanization of work bottomed out in. I’ve had a head start on ROUSTABOUTS, THE: apparently studying for their Petty Shit for a faceless company. They bring sev- this EP. The band gave me a burn of it The Only One: CD and Hair Tips 101 class. This was the eral flourishes of their own – along with about six months ago and it’s been on First of all, this is relatively straight-for- only CD I had, so I listened to it eight heaps of conviction, venom, and catchi- constant play ever since. ward, well-done, melodic and compe- times in a row. Somewhere around the ness – to make the entire CD an enjoy- Recommendations don’t come any tent street punk. Sure, maybe a handful sixth listen I felt the last of the sole able listen all the way through. System higher from me. (Thumbs up to Recess, of bands have an edge on these guys, but break in and felt it fit perfectly around Error’s simple, yet very effective. If too, for pressing this on the more expen- the shouted choruses and ringing, me. More folk and bluegrass influence you’re so inclined, there’s an interview sive, often overlooked, but clearly supe- anthemic chords carry the songs well than TBIAPB, and no catchy pop hints with them up on our website, too. rior 12” 45 format.) –Todd (Recess) enough that it should appeal to any fan either, but for quiet-time listening it They’re touring the US. –Todd (Active) of Bombshell Rocks, The GC5, etc. In doesn’t get much better than this for me lately. Ghost Mice: Definitely decent, but I’m not as sold as I am on the the-time-well-known and not-so-lucky and actually have it sound like punk “Glue Sandwich,” and i’m sure they Rymodee tracks, but, hell, they have a original Hollywood punk rock bands. rock for once. That said, if this The know it. FANTASTIC AMAZING saw playing on some tracks. –Megan The first nine tracks are by Shock. Four Skulls (accentuated the third, most non- TRIVIA FACT: CD booklet depicts the (Friends and Relatives) of the tunes come from two singles committal way) is, in fact, THE Skulls band’s bare hinders, in full color yet! (made incredibly sought after by Killed (accentuated the first way), then the fact The band’s spokesperson at MTV™ SCARRED, THE: Demo: CD By Death). The standout, which could that “Can Punk Rock Pay The Bills?” later apologized on behalf of the band Mid-tempo, mid-’80s sounding OC stand toe-to-toe with any punk anthem, comes off as little more than an for the “wardrobe malfunction.” punk rock, coming off like a cross is “This Generation’s On Vacation.” American version of the Gonads or –Rev. Nørb (Pelado) between MIA and Shattered Faith. You After a lineup change, they became the something (which, i guess, is about get four tracks here, all of which Silencers, and the biggest change is that right) and the cover of the Randoms SMALL BROWN BIKE: could’ve easily garnered airplay on Kat takes the mic. She’s got the fire, “Let’s Get Rid of New York” (hey, did- Nail Yourself to the Ground: Rodney B.’s radio show back in the day. clarity, and conviction on parallel of The n’t someone already try that?) comes off CDEP / The River Bed: CD Don’t be surprised if Hostage doesn’t Avengers’ Penelope Houston. The as pandering unimaginativism might Nail Yourself to the Ground sounds like latch onto ‘em and a single follows in Silencers never released anything on lead me to muse aloud how maybe, the Bike of old; all churning, pounding, short order. Recommended. –Jimmy vinyl when they were a band (although apart from the meteoroid hit and what- pulverizing guitars interspersed with Alvarado (The Scarred) I’m sure some European vinyl hound not, the dinosaurs actually maybe migh- moments of musical tenderness. label has gotten around to it), and that’s ta died out because they were kind of However, my favorite song on this EP – SEROTONIN: a damn shame. If you’re interested in stupid and outdated. On the obverse, the purely due to the steel guitar (and I’m a Future Anterior: CD the deeper history of LA punk, that goes Texas Thieves give me “Abandoned sucker for steel guitar; if you put a steel When is this trend going to end! Emo beyond the usual suspects and is really Cars,” which i think i liked better when guitar on a record, the redneck hairs on must die! –Donofthedead fun to listen to, this one’s a complete it was called “The Prisoner” and per- my neck rise, I pop open a can of PBR (Bifocal Media) gem. Highly, highly recommended. formed by DOA, and “Dying of Stress,” and am predisposed to consider it more –Todd (Wankin’ Stiphs) which strikes me as something similar highly as a result) – is “So I Fall.” Sure, SEVERED HEAD OF STATE: to what my friends might have been lis- it’s emo as hell, but the steel guitar is Anathema Device: CD SHOWOFFS, THE: tening to in 1984. If this is some manner really pretty and there ain’t much else to I really don’t know much about this Noma Beach: 7” of competition, i guess i vote for the say about that. The River Bed is much band other than I have purchased a few The music here is fast, energetic punk Skulls. If this is supposed to be some the same, but without the steel guitar. In of their releases for a friend in Finland. that reminds me of The Motards. I only manner of life-affirming necessity, i this respect, Small Brown Bike was one I never did listen to them before I wish the singer was the same. This is a think i’d rather have my life affirmed by of the most dependable and reliable mailed them off. So for quick research, good 7”, but the singer is just a little too receiving an additional Twinkie™ bands recording, exploring and stretch- I saw on the Ebullition Records site that monotonous. A snotty vocalist would fit instead. BEST SONG: The Skulls, “Can ing musical boundaries enough to make the singer Jack runs Mind Control this band well; however, this guy just Punk Rock Pay the Bills?” BEST each successive record interesting Records, bassist Kelly is from yells along at the same pitch throughout SONG TITLE: “Let’s Get Rid of New enough to warrant extended listening, Detestation, guitarist Todd is from His all four songs. It’s kinda like he is read- York” FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIV- yet familiar enough to ensure that they’d Hero is Gone, and Chris the drummer is ing the lyrics for one of the first times as IA FACT: Just two nights ago i was talk- never get a “What the fuck is this shit?” from Meadowlark. I do have records by he sings and is just yelling them out ing with someone about the time The review (sorry Greil, had to go for the Detestation and His Hero is Gone. I without knowing when to add a little SKULLS (accentuated the second way) crib). And yes, I used the past tense don’t think I have anything that’s on emotion or inflection in his voice. I stayed over at our house, and Charley since the mighty Bike has called it a day. Mind Control, and I’ve never heard of could karaoke this album better than Pip was wearing my full-face motorcy- While these two releases aren’t their Meadowlark. During my first listen of him. Just a little added passion and cle helmet and smoking pot, and he’d best work (Dead Reckoning still holds this band, I feel like there are equal parts dynamics in the vocals would do won- lift up the face shield, take a huge hit of that spot), both of them are still works of HHIG and Detestation that are ders for this band. –Toby (Noma Beach) weed, put down the shield, then exhale that most bands would give a nut or two brought over to make you feel like you the pot vapors back into the helmet, and to create. –Puckett (No Idea / Lookout!) are experiencing the apocalypse. The SKATOONS, THE: we were all just rolling around on the guitars are over-driven and dark and the Einmal Ska Und Zuruck: CD floor watching this guy stand there grin- SMALLTOWN: bass has a distorted edge while remain- Now that I have gotten over my ‘90s ning thru the huge clouds of pot smoke Years, Months: 7” ing bottom heavy. Add elements of the pummeling of ska bands from all over that hung trapped between his face and It’s always a gamble to steal from pock- Scandinavian D-Beat sound and some the world, I can now stomach the genre the plexiglass face shield. Maybe you ets of the dead, especially their songs. metal riffing to the mix and that is what with more frequency. Here is one hadda be there. –Rev. Nørb (Dr. And although Stiff Little Fingers aren’t I hear. The vocals are delivered with a release that is incredible. Not knowing a Strange) P.S. Yo, Doc Strange! Some technically dead, Smalltown pull off an fierce growl that is slightly behind the lick of German, I can still appreciate this Barricaded Suspects CD’s s’il vous the original track, “Years, Months” which mix. The drums bang in a way that one. First thing that crossed my mind fuck plait! Merci! Jake Burns would give five years of his makes the music seem like a full-throt- was the songwriting style of Die Toten own life to record. Urgent, catchy, street tle blast of energy firing towards your Hosen and Wizo with the ska elements SLEAZIES, THE: Trite Ditties punk/oi that’s more than a stiff breeze ear. To get me interested in any new of Less than Jake mixed with the and Meaningless Crap: CD wafting through a field of propped-up band, I have to actually feel the music to Specials. Extremely catchy songs that Well, whatever vile activities this trio corpses. Smalltown are tweaking and even pay attention. When songs seem make the head bob. I felt the happy has engaged in during their presumably reanimating a genre that gets much like they are played without passion, I energy right off the bat and was sold amazingly outrageous comings and more lip service than creative sparks, lose interest real quick. The band plays quickly. Eight dudes from Hamburg goings might be, thumbing their collec- and my ears are happier for it. One of with an intensity that backs up the lyrics found the correct formula and ran with tive nostrils at the Truth-in-Advertising Smalltown’s feet is firmly rooted in tra- with a vengeance. I paid close attention it! –Donofthedead (Mad Butcher) laws is not one of them. The Sleazies dition, and one foot’s not afraid to kick to this one. Now here is another band to sleaze through a collection of rapid-fire past idols square in the ass. The b-side put on the shopping list. –Donofthedead SKIMMER: Still: CD odes to heroin, truck bombs, glue sand- “When the Oil Runs Out,” a Newtown (Hardcore Holocaust) Here is one of my favorite UK pop punk wiches and Aretha Franklin (unfortu- Neurotics cover, proves this beyond a bands. They have the magic of writing nately, not all in the same song), with doubt. Great stuff. –Todd (Deranged) SEXIST PRISON: 7” great melodies like Snuff. Infectious occasional subtle but nuts-on produc- I had such high hopes for this one. and fun without having to use blown-out tion flourishes (e.g. the harmony vocals SMOGTOWN: What, with the illustration the size of production. I love the raw recording during the chorus of “Gonna Operate on All Wiped Out: CDEP the insert of a cock and balls with sound that this band and label uses. Myself”) that lead me to believe that Ahh, motherfuckin’ Smogtown, stal- “SEXXIST PZZN #1” on it and clear Makes it sound genuine, unlike a lot of either they know a bit more than they let warts of the New Beach Alliance. Is it vinyl with bad drawings I seriously bands in this genre that try so hard to be on or that the guy running the studio that true that All Wiped Out won’t be their thought I had a winner here. How wrong radio-friendly. A band that sounds like day was kind of smart. The four out- swan song, that it wasn’t just a CD to I was. Synthezied samples (though the they enjoy and believe in what they are standing tracks are the aforementioned crank, like summons for a dance to notes say “no samples ever”) and echo- playing. So far, every release that I have “Gonna Operate on Myself” – similar bring their acid rain of notes to melt that y vocals. –Megan (Omnibus) heard from this band has been enjoy- to, but superior than, the title track of frown off my face and remind me of the able, this included. I wonder now how I the Rubber City Rebels’ 2003 Pierce My good times? Will the Fuhrers of the New SHOCK + THE SILENCERS: would feel seeing them live? Brain reunion album; the befouled Joel Wave resurrect themselves and not suc- Self-titled: CD –Donofthedead (Crackle!) Reader-era MTX-isms of “Runaway cumb to their own personal Bodie 601s? With some of the very early punk on the Joni”; the pretty-much-what-you-think- There are rumors afoot that by the time west coast of America, you’d almost SKULLS, THE/ it-is-Teenage-Knockouts-isms of “Hot this magazine hits the stands that the swear that LA was a suburb of London. TEXAS THIEVES: Split 7” Lunch”; and “I Wanna Fuck Your Mom” wheels will be back on the Gross English accents abounded, so did Clash- ...i’m really not sure if this is THE – a song so amazingly fantastically per- Polluter and Smogtown will be back isms and Sex Pisol-itry. But the endear- Skulls (he said, accentuating the phrase fectly stupid in every regard that it ren- playing audio radiation live. Hope so. ing fact was that Los Angeles sucked so one way) or The SKULLS (he said, ders all other “I Wanna Fuck Your All Wiped Out’s got everything that fucking bad and there was plenty of accentuating it another), or even some Mom” songs – of which there are no made Smogtown the Southern original material to pluck up from the completely different The Skulls (accen- small supply – completely inert in their California punk band to beat – songs rubble. Here are sixteen prime tracks tuating it yet another way, yet barely non-amazingly non-fantastically imper- about crazy bag ladies, bricks to the that further plot out how feral and wide- accentuating it at all), but whatever kind fect stupidity. I give this one thumb and face, and the weeds in Western punk spread punk was in ’78. It’s great to of Skulls it is i want, i will say that it’s part of a penis up! BEST SONG: culture growing up have an economical CD of one of the at- refreshing to put on a punk rock record “Runaway Joni” BEST SONG TITLE: through the concrete 95 that wants it all to be smooth and does STAKEOUT, THE: squirt or two. But that’s really a minor get a sample, then go out and buy the its best to weigh it down to look the On the Run: CD quibble. This is crunchy, spleen-bruis- originals if you are impressed. Today’s same. Smogtown’s in fine form on these From Finland, featuring a couple of ing fun, even without the mucus coat- generation of punks are very fortunate eight songs, flexing a throttle that can members from Selfish. This reminds me ing. –Aphid Peewit (Rodent Popsicle) to have this legendary band get back blast a hardcore beach tune then pull of BGK, the first Suicidal Tendencies together and to have the chance to see back with “Squares,” quite possibly record, DS-13, and Amdi Petersen’s STATISTICS: them in a live setting. We are also fortu- their prettiest and catchiest song to date. Arme. Mid-’80s punk rock that is Leave Your Name: CD nate that they get their own Live in a –Todd (TKO) straightforward, no bullshit, and a kick What’s left to say about “mullet” hair- Dive from Fat. It’s been so hit and miss in the ass. With all the bands trying to cuts anymore and what’s left to say in the case of this series for me, but I am SOULSIDE: capture the American sound of that peri- about “emo” anymore? They’re both not in the majority opinion. Also, for Less Deep Inside Keeps: CD od, the international community has it tragically bad exercises in compromise being a live recording, this is really Mid-’80s DC punk was a strange beast. nailed down pat. –Donofthedead and like a mouse in a Chicken good. That’s saying a lot. I really do not Sandwiched between the descent of (Deranged) McNugget suit, they both have been care for live recordings. The back- what is now called harDCore, popular- passed out of the exit chute of the cul- ground noise bugs the shit out of me. ized by Minor Threat, Government START, THE: tural rear-end of this American Society This release should stay in circulation as Issue and others, and the ascent of the Death Via Satellite: CDEP of ours. Bring on the next bad idea. long as the label stays afloat. The band proto-emo scene kick-started by Rites of I was so ready to write this off, but my –Aphid Peewit (Jade Tree) is important and you should be listening Spring and Embrace, a lot of bands interest was raised as soon as I started to them. –Donofthedead (Fat) coming out of the area at the time hearing what was coming out the speak- STATISTICS: Self-titled: CD seemed hell-bent on broadening their ers. Hard-driving, melodic rock mixed Really, disgustingly, ass-rockingly, I- SUPERHOPPER: Does This horizons a bit, resulting in considerable with some synth energy, topped off with can’t-believe-I-just-heard-that, better- Sound Exciting Yet? CD experimentation. What often resulted female vocals that are similar to Gwen than-it-has-any-right-to-be awesome. To answer the title: No! –Donofthedead was a sound firmly rooted in the past, Stefani, like No Doubt meeting up with Combining new wave, blip-and-twitter (Guilt Ridden Pop) yet paving the way for what was soon to Concrete Blonde and adding some Cure and drone-core, pop hooks that go off follow, a sound exemplified by the out- influences to push the envelope and like a neutron bomb, understated croons THESE ARMS ARE put of bands like Marginal Man, Second developing a little darker, almost gothic that sound more like breathy shoegaze SNAKES: Self-titled: CDEP Wind and, later, Soulside. Recently reis- atmosphere in the music. The songs from the 1990s and introspective lyrics I don’t care what bands these people sued by Dischord, Soulside’s 1987 have a hard-driving beat with textures of fit for late-night sessions of wondering were previously in; all this EP tells me is debut screams with Minor Threat influ- keyboards that are not campy but add why life isn’t better than it is, this EP that they left that band too soon or ence, particularly that band’s 1983 Out atmosphere. They take the experimental blows the doors off of… well, pretty shouldn’t have been playing music in of Step EP, but there’s also a slew of parts of ‘80s new wave but incorporate much everything else I’ve reviewed for the first place. It’s the same old fucking other influences at work, resulting in it with the right mix of modern rock. a long time. The songs describe a yearn- droning post-core emo bullshit that I’ve numerous mid-tempo rock tunes and The vocal harmonies are the hook that ing for something else, carving dreams been wading through for half a dozen acoustic guitars, not to mention consid- catches the fish. Multi-layered and of better times out of musings about discs now. I’ve said it before and I’ll say erably less screaming than their hard- dreamy. A great beginning that hopeful- claymation being replaced by computer it again – as long as labels put out core forebears employed and consider- ly will bear much more fruit down the graphics and wanting to be on TV. They records like this, reviewers like me will ably more balls put into their efforts road. Only thing that bugs me is on the are nothing less than great. –Puckett make money selling them. –Puckett than most of their present-day descen- enhanced video. Why have the bass (Jade Tree) (Jade Tree) dents employ. While some of the songs player be portrayed by a female when here are not exactly jaw-dropping good the bassist listed on this recording is STEREO TOTAL: THOSE UNKNOWN: Soulside were indeed a good band that male? –Donofthedead (Nitro) Musique Automatique: CD Scraps: CD weren’t afraid to indulge some creativi- If Plastic Bertrand had recently formed This is a compilation of previously ty between stage dives. –Jimmy STATE CONTROL: up a team with Taco to attempt to revive unreleased or unavailable songs from Alvarado (Dischord) No Escape: CD the New Romantic scene of the early one of the best street punk bands of the There’s eight originals and a Discharge 1980s to kick the hell out of the nine- ‘90s. If you are a fan of the Swingin’ SPECIAL GOODNESS, THE: cover here, that is musically alright, but assed nu-metal monkey demon, you Utters, The GC5, The Beltones, The LandAirSea: CD their whole “I ain’t gonna change, might well wind up with this collection Brassknuckle Boys, and The Hudson ...you know it’s a sad commentary on gonna be punk ‘til I die” stance just of lilting electronic pop songs about Falcons, you will no doubt enjoy this the times when i, the reviewer, have rings hollow. It all comes off as pretty love, dancing, radio and fleeting infatu- band. This isn’t their best CD available mentally written my review (“the most meaningless shouting and defiant pos- ations. It’s catchy, vaguely silly, and (out of three total), but it’s still fucking senselessly misnomered band since the turing, which is only amplified by trite alternately Teutonic and Gallic. It is great anyway. Must-have for fans of this Tragically Hip”) before i’ve even taken lyrics that seem to avoid addressing any wholly enjoyable and fun. –Puckett short-lived band. –Toby (TKO) the disc out of the jewelbox; it’s even specific current events, of which there (Kill Rock Stars) sadder when, forty minutes later, i’ve sat are many to bitch about. The result is TODAY I WAIT: Timelines: CD thru the whole disc and nothing has sure to get the parrot punks pumping STERLING: self-titled: CD I was so ready to hear another emo changed. Therefore, for the record, here their fists in the air, but it really ain’t all I typically like File 13 releases, but this record. This thing was crying out emo. is my review, in its entirety: The most that far off from the output of such hard- avant-garde instrumental work seems The name, artwork, and title were lead- senselessly misnomered band since the hitting “punk” groups as A New Found pointlessly experimental. In some ways, ing me to believe that this was more Tragically Hip. Thank you. BEST Glory and Good Charlotte, is it? Look, the jangly melodies can seem soothing, emo. I was thrown for a loop and bom- SONG: “You Know I’d Like...” BEST kiddies, the days of “calling myself a but in most it’s just noisy post-core barded with some metalcore (“hard- SONG TITLE: “Whatever’s Going On” punk and having a funny haircut is a musical meandering with little effect. I core” for you kids). The guitars FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA potent symbol of rebellion in itself” was looking forward to hearing this; screamed some heavy riffage as the FACT: I’ve never listened to either ended long before Avril started sporting now I’m looking forward to removing it double bass drums galloped along. The Rocket from the Crypt or Weezer, and, studded belts and posh New York bou- from my CD player. –Puckett (File 13) vocals screamed out of the speakers. I after this album, i do not intend to alter tiques started hawking Black Flag shirts was taken aback. The only letdown was that behavior. –Rev. Nørb (Epitaph) to the clueless bourgeoisie. If you’re STREETWALKIN’ the cover of “Bullet,” which, if you did- gonna co-opt all the accoutrements of CHEETAHS, THE: n’t know, was originally done by the SPEEDEALER: Bleed: CD the “political” bands of yore, either take Greetings from Gainesville: CD Misfits. It just didn’t feel like the song More of this band’s sonic bombast, a stance for (or against) specific current I bet these guys would poop where they was appropriate for their musical twelve tracks in all, alternating between events or give your instruments to stand if there was a sale at the Leopard stylings. Only one minus with many the stoner sludge along the lines of High someone who’ll put them to better use. Print Emporium. –Potsi (Triple X) plusses. –Donofthedead (Friction) On Fire, and the full-throttle assault ala –Jimmy Alvarado (Rodent Popsicle) Zeke. They remain one of the few bands SUBHUMANS: TOXIC NARCOTIC: out there doing this stuff that are worth STATE PATROL: Live in a Dive: CD Shoot People, Not Dope: CD a piss. –Jimmy Alvarado No Escape: CD Back in the ‘80s, I truly didn’t appreci- One of Massachusetts’ finest bands (www.deadteenagerrecords.com) Metal-y thudwumping hardcore from ate this band, although I loved Dick’s serves up five more blasts of rambunc- these Jehovah’s Witnesses from the band afterwards, Culture Shock. My tious hardcore coupled with lyrics that SPITS, THE: Church of Discharge. They remind me favorite song by the Subhumans is are topical and take unapologetic Self-titled: CDEP of one of my favorite bands from days “Rats.” Just my luck, that song is not stances against drugs, humans, and While maybe not as immediately satis- of yore: the Murderers – except without included. Over the years, I have grown crappy punk bands. They even toss fying as its two predecessors, the boys’ the human snot sprinkler called Bob to really appreciate these songs. When I some reggae into “Cockroaches” to third self-titled CD is chock full of the Murderer. Here’s an example of where saw them last year, I truly enjoyed them keep the punters on their toes. If hard- same thick-headed brilliance we have it’d be cool to have something akin to more than when I saw them in the ‘80s. core’s your bag, these guys are consis- come to love, and they still sound like that rubber bulb thing with a snout that’s No punk band past or present sounds tently on the money. –Jimmy Alvarado the Ramones’ autistic cousins, which is used to suck the snot out of a baby’s like them. They are a unique band. Dick (Rodent Popsicle) a plus no matter how you slice it. I can head – but one that works in reverse, is a wordsmith. I really shouldn’t have think of no better way to start the new pumping snot into something. If I were to describe this. Twenty-six songs from TOYS THAT KILL: Flys: 7” year than by blasting this bad boy with lucky enough to have such a handy their vast catalog of material that should At this point, it’s hard not being a cheer- astonishing frequency. –Jimmy gizmo, I think I’d give State Patrol a please just about every fan. For a new leader for Toys That Kill. They’ve more Alvarado (Dirtnap) person, this is a great starting point to than proved themselves with every release, having cracked an unsus- ripped off lock stock ‘n’ barrel by distraught… especially if they’re pecting part of my brain like an no less a musickal loominary than backed up by more boring cock egg. They now seem to have set up Billy Idol)? Can you rip thru rock. We really needed more bull- a pup tent in where ever the fuck “Blockbuster” with a World War I shit and you crammed forty music gets impressed in my gray German army helmet tilted precari- pounds in a twenty-pound sack. matter, reserved just for them. ously on your cranium? DAMMIT, Time to hit the back forty and put They’re wildly catchy, but in a way MAN! I am not one of the measly this to more effective use than that’s as odd as it’s now comfort- Glam-haters you generally deal making my ears bleed. –Puckett ing. It’s like they’re super-secret with, to whom your self-professed (Initial) fisherman re-inventing a hook, Glamness is some matter of grave hunched over a microscope, tying import! I am a Glam-LIKER, to VARIOUS ARTISTS: the line with an intricate knot so it whom your weak and unimpressive Against Police Injustice: CD won’t break and it’s almost impos- overtures at Glamism come across A benefit compilation to help sible to untie. But that probably as properly weak and unimpres- defray the legal costs incurred by a does you little good. What’s odd is sive! DAMMIT A SECOND guy wrongly accused (and subse- how, at different times, I hear com- TIME, MAN! When i hear “Glam” quently acquitted) of offing a pig, pletely different influences, and i wanna hear some Chapman and although his only apparent “real” those influences all seem like dis- Chinn!!! Some Glitter and crime was being black in the tant echoes instead of forever being Leander!!! Some Noddy and wrong place at the wrong time. the shadow of previous bands. Holder!!! For Christ’s sakes, even Good tracks abound here from the They’ve got the Mediterranean, some Alice and some Cooper likes of Conflict, Against Me!, ethereal feel of Savage Republic, would be acceptable!!! But YOU... Born/Dead, MDC, Bouncing but via the revving of a Buzzcocks you’re nothing more than... than... Souls, Leftover Crack, and a motor. They cover Wire, but in the than the Floorlords’ “Electrified bunch of others. –Jimmy Alvarado way I’d think Turbonegro would Wet Mud Wall” single! If you (www.ahmadnelson.com) approach it. They could be called worthless pukes would like to see pop punk and you’d be right, but how to do what it is you’re so bla- VARIOUS ARTISTS: you’d be more wrong. See? Not tantly incapable of doing, please Begin Live Transmission/ much of a help. Get Control the consult the Lee Harvey Oswald Radio CPR: CD Sun, The Citizen Abortion, and their Band section of your local prere- Although I’m not quite sure, I split with the Fleshies if you don’t corded music emporium! I bet god- believe this is a benefit of sorts for already, then supplement your diet damn Marc Bolan never wore a pair a low-power community radio sta- with this in a hurry, since it’s a lim- of pants so baggy people could see tion based in the DC area. It serves ited release. Four songs. –Todd the waistband of his underwear! as a sampler of the sort of pro- (Asian Man) GLAM RULES! TSAR TSUCKS! gramming they provide, too, BEST SONG: “Straight” BEST which seems to be a wildly eclec- TREGENZA: Self-titled: CD SONG TITLE: n/a FANTASTIC tic mix of hip hop, punk, R&B, Riders of the new wave of post- AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: Band’s acoustic and the indescribable, emo art crap, they come along and big shot press release, to under- interspersed with political dis- assault the ears with yet another score the fact that they are, in fact, course both regional and interna- sub-sub-sub genre sure to inspire big shots, and do everything with tional, resulting in a vibe that widespread hate. –Jimmy Alvarado an eyeball on quality, spells band seems to come off like a cross (www.tregenzamusic.net) leader Jeff Whalen’s last name as between the Pacifica Radio “Waylon.” OOOOH, I’M SO Network and a college radio sta- TRENCHMOUTH: FUCKING IMPRESSED!!! Fuck tion. The vast majority of the More Motion: CD off. Die. LESS CONTENTIOUS bands here, including El Guapo, Considering that I’ve liked some FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA the Vertebrates, 1905, Optimistic stuff on Thick, I saved this for last FACT: “Tsar,” “Czar,” and Tribe, Pasha, Crucial Defect, so that I’d finish this reviewing ses- “Kaiser” are all derived from the Machetres, Short Stack, Pigeons, sion with a good experience. I Roman title of “Caesar.” and the excellent Afi (not to be should have quit while I was ahead. –Rev. Nørb (Birdman) confused with AFI), to name but a Combining post-core and funk few, reside in the communities might have sounded good in theory, TURTLEHEAD: Bleeding served by the radio station, so it but this disc just collects more stuff Hearts and Burnouts: CD also acts as a showcase for local from records that you really didn’t I used to love these guys back in the talent, and the interview snippets need in the first place. –Puckett late ‘90s! They were one of the few with community activists and local (Thick) melodicore bands that really stood mariachis, while far too short here, out for me that I can still listen to indicate that their hearts are in the TSAR: Straight b/w The from that period. I thought they had right place. While I can’t say I was Creature in Disguise: 7” disappeared! I’m not sure what blown away by all of the music Dear Dale Meiners wannabes: No. they have released since they put contained, I am mightily You are NOT “Glam.” I know this out the I Preferred Their Earlier impressed with their message and because i LIKE “Glam.” “Glam” is Stuff CD, which, I believe, was the diversity of ground covered what happened in England in 1973. 1998. I sure would like to know if here and would no doubt have “Glam” is Sweet and Slade and they released anything between that every stereo I own glued to the sta- Mud and T. Rex and the relevant CD and the current one that I’m lis- tion if I lived within frequency portions of Bowie and Gary Glitter tening to. I think that the original range. –Jimmy Alvarado and Alvin the fuck Stardust. singer and drummer remain. The (Dischord) “Glam” is not some dork rock band song style is the same; they still that puts on a silver shirt and star- play the extremely catchy melodic VARIOUS ARTISTS: shaped sunglasses (or whatever it is punk that they were known for. Not Delta Masters: CD that you do) and stencils their straying too far from their personal The Heroine Sheiks, Rube names on their amplifiers’ grille formula is comforting and immedi- Waddell, Los Mescaleros, Boxcar cloth (or whatever it is that you do) ately made it an enjoyable listen. Satan, Immortal Lee County and adopts some manner of fey The singer’s voice is in a higher Killers, the Crack Pipes and others posture (or whatever it is that you tone range than I remembered. I render virtually unrecognizable do) and thinks that constitutes the thought it was a new singer. He’s blues classics by Son House, be-all and end-all of their also more forceful and aggressive. Charley Patton, Muddy Waters, Glamitude. Sure, you can don some Good to see that they are still Howlin’ Wolf, Bukka White and Glamular trifles and inject your around. Yippee! –Donofthedead more. Their renditions are strange, rock with some manner of neo- (Leatherback) and some of them go waaay out Glamistic veneer, but can you pro- there, but all also have this oddly duce a half-dozen boys in matching ULTIMATE FAKEBOOK: traditional feel and almost a sense French cut t-shirts dancing with Before We Spark: CD of reverence to ‘em. Too bad Top each other on stage while you lip- Gee, thanks guys. No, really! We Jimmy didn’t live long enough to synch your way thru “Tiger Feet?” needed more falsettos in emo. We add his two cents to this project, Can you punctuate every snare hit needed to hear the same three ‘cause, judging from his last of “My Coo Ca Choo” with a stud- chords again. We needed more bull- album, he would’ve had a field ded leather punch thrown directly shit excuses for rock power. We day joining in this fray. –Jimmy at the camera lens (later to be needed more vocalists who sound Alvarado (www.dogfingers.com) VARIOUS ARTISTS: getting info, there are improvements in Pistols didn’t get their spot on here. way a banjo or violin can sound in the Greaseball Melodrama: CD interstate communication, but there are Word has it that Lydon was being his hands of someone who knows how to Sixteen different tracks by sixteen dif- definitely bands that are huge in their usual twatish self about the whole song play it, the beauty of an open chord, and ferent bands, all compiled by Eric hometowns who make considerably less licensing situation. Pretty fucking small that steady, comforting drum beat that Davidson of the New Bomb Turks. You impact the further they travel away. I for a guy who toured in a chartered bus thumps along at about the speed of my should know what to expect… kick ass think this is a good thing. It gives local last summer and held concerts with his pulse or the bumps on the road while rock’n’roll. This doesn’t disappoint. scenes time to grow and mature, for other Sex Pistol wash-ups at big venues I’m driving away from the city. My only There are sixteen bands on here I have weird cross pollinations, and an umbrel- like the Greek Theatre in LA. Christ. I caveat about this album is that the never heard of before and I will defi- la of sound to develop. It also forces know it’s wrong, but I keep saying to singer will remind you of a countrified nitely try to find more material from a folks who love music to once again be myself, “Why couldn’t it have been him Natalie Merchant. You’ll get over that handful of them (that’s the great thing vigilant seekers instead of wincing as instead of Strummer?” That’s just life, I after a couple of listens, though. FAN- about compilations). The bands are some of their heroes desecrate them- suppose, so go figure. Then go grab this TASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: Rock’n’Roll Soldiers, Gypsy Witch, selves by providing songs for cleaning box. –Designated Dale (Rhino) one of the members of this band used to Baseball Furies, The Cuts, Lost Kids, products commercials. I’ll place Maybe be in Asshole Parade. Go figure. –Sean Chargers Street Gang, The High Beams, Chicago in a contemporary league with VARIOUS ARTISTS: (No Idea) Scat Rag Boosters, Geraldine, The Seattle’s Dirtnap Across the Northwest, The Rock Horror Diverters, The Hunches, Mystery Girls, Southern California’s Hostage’s Tower Punk Rock Show: CD WILLOWZ: Self-titled: CD Exxon Valdez, Colombian Neckties, 13 and Hostage Situation, Minneapolis’ Opening with Me First and the Gimme As might have been apparent over the The Blowtops, and The Goddamn No Hold Back… All Attack!!, and Gimmes is a good idea, but it’s pretty course of the last few issues, i was, for a Gentlemen. Okay, not every band kicks Gainesville’s The Shape of Flakes to much downhill from there. Or so I time, more or less completely obsessed ass, but you wouldn’t have to push the Come! No, you’re probably not going to thought. –Megan (Springman) with this band and their almost unfath- skip button more then a few times on like every track on here, but it’ll give omable ability to sound like The Great this one. –Toby (Gearhead) you a definite flavor and a barometer of VARIOUS ARTISTS: Lost 1981 Posh Boy™ Records band. I what’s coming out of Chicago’s garagey Untitled: CD found myself breaking the contents of VARIOUS ARTISTS: underbelly in the near future. The only It was a grand idea for this record label their first single down into a host of Hangover Heartattack – caveat is that the recordings are uneven. to provide me with a list of bands to brief, intra-song sonic events, and run- A Tribute to Poison Idea: CD Some of the songs seem to be on a avoid in the future, but it’s really not a ning a mental Google™ search on each Well if you just can’t help yourself and stereo that’s walking away from you at bad idea to include stuff like, oh, say, tiny song fragment, in the attempts to you find you just have to put a tribute times, but that’s also part of the charm. the title of your album when sending it ID the origin of every beat pattern, record out, go whole hog, which is just My personal favorites on this: The Hot in for review. –Potsi (Say Ten) every chord progression, every note and what the people responsible for this Machines, Baseball Furies, Tyrades, sonic idiosyncrasy that transported me Poison Idea tribute have done. Sure, the The Ponys, and Functional Blackouts. A VENA CAVA: back to, i dunno, junior year of high covers are great (thanks to Rat Bastards, valiant effort. –Todd So Evolved, Inhuman: CD school or whatever, when me and my Ratos de Porao, Agrotoxico, Paintbox, (Postmersh /Criminal I.Q.) Wow, this is really good. Sort of like posse (of two) would sit around my par- Kill Your Idols, Calibre 12 and a bunch Jawbreaker-ish pop punk with male and ents’ living room after school, spinning of others), but the love directed at the VARIOUS ARTISTS: female vocals. It took a couple of listens whatever mysterious new 45s i had band is really evident in the thick-ass No Thanks!: The 70’s Punk to grab me, but once it did, I was mailordered that week and reading booklet that accompanies this, which Rebellion: CD box set hooked. My only real complaint would Flipside, occasionally consulting a road includes pictures, old interviews, Jerry The folks over at Rhino did it again with be that they don’t sound very confident atlas to find out where exotic-sounding A.’s 1991 tour diary, and personal remi- this four-disc library of essential ‘70s in themselves, but I can definitely see places like “Upland” and “Cerritos” niscences on why this band was so punk listening pleasure. The included this band moving past that on their next were. Buuuuuttt... just like with all important. Slagging this off as another 100+ page book itself houses some seri- album. And the cover of “We’re those bands whose singles we dug in pointless tribute would be like shooting ously bad ass reading in the sense that it Desperate” was not the best decision in 1981, the at-least-somewhat awaited fish in a barrel, but it’s so obvious that talks about each song and band in the the world. But still, this is pretty highly album, as always, fails to meet the those who put this together have their box set’s listed order, not to mention the recommended. –Josh (admittedly lofty) expectations project- hearts in the right place. You can’t help complete info listings of each song list- (Don’t Quit Your Day Job) ed upon it by myself, the consumer but feel great respect for ‘em, ‘cause it’s ed in the back. And the band pictures… (who, naturally, is always a bit disap- patently obvious they’re fans more than tons and tons of wonderful band pic- VINDICTIVES, THE: pointed when he doesn’t hit his best- anything else. Recommended. –Jimmy tures! Included on the discs are some Muzak for Robots: CD case-scenario projection of an album Alvarado (Havoc) NYC band staples like the New York This really is muzak. No, really. –Sean composed of about twelve a-sides) (and Dolls, Ramones, Cramps, Blondie, (Teat Productions) one cool cover). The “a-side” of the VARIOUS ARTISTS: Hardcore Dictators, and Talking Heads, not to album (or diskly equivalent) is still pret- from the Early Days: CD mention Ohio transplants the Dead WEIGHT, THE: Ships: 7” ty cool, like some manner of Red(d) Twenty-five tracks of obscure-but-spot- Boys (who, after relocating to NYC, Mellow hippie shit for patchouli huf- C(K)ross Xerox™ from an era of the on early Northeast American hardcore, were to be managed by the owner of fers. –Jimmy Alvarado band that never actually existed; the “b- released by an Australian label. Those CBGB’s, Hilly Cristal). The golden (Sabot Productions) side” gets flat-out weird with a ballad of you who can’t get enough of Killed state of California shines here, too, with seemingly crooned with three guitar By Death-style punk will plunge right Black Flag (Keith-era), X, The Weirdos, WESTERN ADDICTION: picks under the singer’s tongue, a in. First up is Connecticut’s Target The Avengers, Fear, The Dickies, Dead Remember to Dismember: 7” female-bassist-sung slop-fest, a pysch- Cells’ Cerebral Hemorrhage demo from Kennedys, Germs, The Dils, Runaways, I miss Dick Army, the tragically over- out number not terribly unlike The 1982, of which about twenty-five were and that other Ohio transplant band, the looked NYC trashy pop/ hardcore unit Craig’s “I Must Be Mad,” and “End originally sold via almighty Devo. A great selection of that could spin a melody into a tight tor- Song,” the dumbest album-ending Maximumrock’n’roll’s mailorder. It’s a what the UK had to offer back then nado while spilling out some truly “Gloria” rip-off since “Seven Toes.” I little rudimentary and not as exciting as turns up here with the likes of The insightful lyrics. (Get Unsafe at Any dunno. I guess we can still go out, but the Circle Jerks, who they cover, but it’s Damned, The Clash, The Jam, Elvis Speed if you see it in a bin.) Although i’m not stalking you any more. BEST forceful and gets the job done. The Costello & The Attractions, The not quite as fast as Dick Army, Western SONG: “Meet Your Demise” BEST White Pigs (1982-1997) flirt with Rezillos, Generation X, Buzzcocks, and Addiction’s singer yells and shouts, but SONG TITLE: I used to like “Equation crossover, and, thankfully, never take a neat-o, edgier version of “The Wait” in a melodic way that’s basically used as #6,” but now i think i like “Meet Your the plunge in. There’s only one big from The Pretenders (including yet another rhythmic instrument (which I Demise.” It’s so much more swashbuck- question mark hanging over the band, another Ohio native, Chrissie Hynde). like). Fortunately, they also have the ling. FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA and I’ll leave it up to you, the reader, to With the 100 songs total in this collec- same knacks which keep Dick Army on FACT: Special Thanks: Robbie Fields, make the call: “Saying things that are on tion, there’s bound to be some voice- a constant rotational cycle through my Andre Duguay, Madeline Follin my mind/ hating spics in the unemploy- raising concern as to why this band or CD player: rough melodies, nice lyrical McKenna, and the Willowz Street ment line.” Last up is my favorite band that band didn’t get included. All I can twists (“without rhyme or treason,” Team! –Rev. Nørb (Dionysus) of the three, Chronic Disorder (1983- say is go make your own damn box set, “stark raving glad”), and instruments 1992), who seem more discordant, spas- cocko. I do have to give props to a few that all play towards a bigger whole. ZENO TORNADO AND tic, unique, and revved up, like a hyper- bands that should’ve been included, Nice. My only question? Is “apparat- THE BONEY GOOGLE active Dils (they’ve got a political sen- even if they are all LA choices: The ing” a real word? –Todd (Fat) BROTHERS: Self-titled: CD sibility) cross-spliced with the Angry Controllers, The Skulls, The Zeros, The The cover describes this as “dirty dope Samoans (they’ve got a lot of snot). Not Gears, and The Plugz. But, to be fair, WHISKEY & CO.: infected bluegrass hillbilly hobo XXX a bad split at all. Definitely a labor of I’ll also add that it was refreshingly cool Self-titled: CD country music,” and that pretty much love. –Todd (Coldsweat) to find Aussie legends The Saints, as For the past twenty years, pop music sums things up nicely, although I’d be well as Stiff Little Fingers from Ireland with a southern accent has been posing inclined to add “brilliant” to VARIOUS ARTISTS: included in this set, too. For those of as “country music” and has given coun- the description as well. Maybe Chicago: CD you who are waiting in line to suck John try a bad name. Now, here comes Imagine Andy Griffith as a If you’re paying attention to the right Lydon’s dick, you can all go home, Whiskey & Co. to change all that. This doped up porn hound and you types of punk rock, you may have come ‘cause you ain’t gonna find any Sex album goes back to what I love about ain’t far off. –Jimmy Alvarado to this conclusion: punk rock is once Pistols here. Why? It seems that it was- country – the remorse of a fucked up (www.voodoorhythm.com) again regional. The interweb’s fine for n’t a personal choice with Rhino that the life, the pain of the working class, the 101 C O N T A C T A D D R E S S E S to bands and labels that were reviewedin the eitherlast two in months. this issue or posted on www.razorcake.com

• 4TG Music Terrorism • Dim Mak, PO Box 348, • High Fidelity, PO Box 1071, • Prank, PO Box 419092, SF, CA Conspiracy, 49222 Fairchild, Hollywood, CA 90078 Grover Beach, CA 93483) 94141-9092 Macomb, MI 48042 • Dionysus, PO Box 1975, Burbank • Honey Bear, 1730 E. Oltorf #135, • Pshaw!, PO Box 2246, • A.D.D., PO Box 8240, Tampa FL CA 91507 Austin, TX 78741 Minneapolis, MN 55402 33674 • Dirtnap, PO Box 21249, Seattle, • Idol, PO Box 720043, Dallas, TX • Reality Clash, PO Box 491, Dana • Active Distribution, BM Active, WA 98111 75372 Point, CA 92629 London WC1N 3XX, England; • Dischord, 3819 Beecher Street • Initial, PO Box 17131, Louisville, • Red Leader, PO Box 20836, Park NW, Washington DC 20007 KY 40217 West Finance Station, New York, • Alive, PO Box 7112, Burbank, CA • Do Too, 8321 SW 30 St., Miami, • Jade Tree, 2310 Kennwynn Road, NY 10025 91510 FL 33155 Wilmington, DE 19810 • Revelation, PO Box 5232, • Alternative Tentacles, PO Box • Don’t Quit Your Day Job, 3613 • Kapow, PO Box 282, Fullerton, Huntington Beach, CA 92615-5232 419092, SF, CA 94141-9092 Reynard Way, San Diego, CA 92103 CA 92836; • Rodent Popsicle, PO Box 1143, • Amp, 153 Balsam Avenue S., • Dr. Strange, PO Box 1058, Alta Allston, MA 02134 Hamilton, ON, Canada L8M 3B6 Loma CA 91701 • Kill Rock Stars, PMB 418, 120 • Rosewater, PO Box 30, Riverdale, • Arclight, 1403 Rio Grande St., • Epitaph, 2798 Sunset Blvd, LA NE State Ave., Olympia, WA 98501 MD 20738 Austin, TX 78701 CA 90026 • Kung Fu, PO Box 38009, • Sabot Productions, PO Box 28, • Armpit Toast, c/o Jamie • Equal Vision, PO Box 14, Hollywood, CA 90028 Gainesville, FL 32602-0028 MacIntosh, 211 Coventry Crescent, Hudson, NY 12534 • Law of Inertia, 61 4th Ave PMB • Say Ten, PO Box 7586, Newark, Fredericton, N.B. E3B 4P4 Canada; • Estrus, PO Box 2125, Bellingham, #125, NY, NY 10003 DE 19714 WA 98227-2125 • Learning Curve, c/o Amrep, 2200 • Scene Police, C/O DPM • Asian Man, PO Box 35585, • Fat, PO Box 193690, SF, CA 4th St. NE Minneapolis, MN 55418 Humboldtstr. 15, 53115 Bonn, Monte Sereno, CA, 95030 94119 • Level Plane, PO Box 4329, Germany • Beatville, PO Box 42462, • Ferret Music, 47 Wayne St., #3, Philadelphia, PA 19118 • Shit Sandwich, 3107 N. Rockwell, Washington, DC 20015; Jersey City, NJ 07302 • Librarian, Akadimias 96-98, Chicago, IL 60618; • File 13, PO Box 804868, Chicago, Athens 10677, Greece wichrecords.com> • Beer City, PO Box 26035, IL 60680 • Little Deputy, PO Box 7066, • Side One Dummy, PO Box 2350, Milwaukee, WI 53226-0035 • Five and Dime, PO Box 23441, Austin, TX 78713 LA, CA 90078 • Bifocal Media, PO Box 50106, Oakland, CA 94623 • Lollipop, 7 Impasse Monsegur, • Sinister, PO Box 1178, La Grange Raleigh, NC 27650-0106 • Five One, Inc., PO Box 1868, 13016 Marseille, France Park, IL 60526 • Big Neck, PO Box 8144, Reston, Santa Monica, CA 90406-1868 • Lookout!, 3264 Adeline St., • Smartguy, 3288 21st St., PMB VA, 20195 • Friction, POB 6605, Grand Berkeley, CA 94703 #32, SF, CA 94110; • Birdman, PO Box 50777, LA CA Rapids, MI 49516 • Lorne Street, 501-I South Reino 90050 • Friends and Relatives, PO Box Rd. #267, Newbury Park, CA 91320 • Smog Veil, 550 W. Plumb Ln., • Bloodshot, 3039 W. Irving Park 23, Bloomington, IN, 47402 • M.H., 36 Central Park Rd., #B501, Reno NV 89509 Road, Chicago, IL 60618 • Gaki, PO Box 691579, LA, CA Plainview, NY, 11803 • Snuffy Smile, 4-1-16 Daita, • Blown to Bits, 3527 18th Street 90069 • Mad Butcher, Kurze Geismarstr. Setagaya-Ku, Tokyo 155-0033, #7, SF, CA 94110 • Gearhead, PO Box 421419, 6, D-37073 Gottingen, Germany Japan • Broken Bones, Lyckefallet SF, CA 94142; • Malt Soda, PO Box 7611, • Southern, PO Box 577375, Laggesta 696 91 Askersund, Sweden Chandler, AZ 85246 Chicago, IL 60657 • BYO, PO Box 67609, LA, CA • Geykido Comet, PO Box 3806, • Milita Group, 7923 Warner Ave. • SPF1000, PO Box 356, Woodland 90067 Fullerton, CA 92834 Suite K, Huntington Beach, CA Hills, CA 91367 • Captain Oi, PO Box 501, High • Global Seepej, 1907 11th Ave East, 92647 • Springman, PO Box 2043, Wycombe, Bucks, HP10 8QA, Seattle, WA 98102 • Morphius, PO Box 13474, Cupertino, CA, 95015-2043 England • Go Kart, PO Box, Prince Street Baltimore, MD 21203 • Substandard, PO Box 310, • Chumpire, PO Box 27, Annville, Station, NY, NY 10012 • Mortville, PO Box 4263, Austin, Berkeley, CA 94701 PA 17003-0027 • Grey Flight, PO Box 720595, San TX 78765 • Suburban Home, PO Box 40757, • Class War, PO Box 444, 1001 Jose, CA 95172 • Motorcycle Prom Dates, 2218 N. Denver, CO 80204 Avenida Pico, Ste. C, San Clemente, • Grey Sky, 1631 NE Broadway 72nd St. Wauwatosa, WI 53213 • Teat Productions, PO Box 66470, CA 92673 PMB #109, Portland, OR 97232; • Network of Friends, PO Box Chicago, IL 60666 • Coldfront, PO Box 8345, 10789, St. Petersburg, FL 33733 • The Exchange, 6719 Whitaker Berkeley, CA 94707; • Greyday Productions, v 2086, • Neurot, PO Box 410209, San Ave., Van Nuys, CA 91406 Portland, OR 97208-2086 Francisco, CA 94141 • The Front, PO Box 883, Casper, • Coldsweat, PO Box 352, Manly • GSL, PO Box 178262, San Diego, • Nikt Nic Nie Wie, PO Box 53, 34- WY 82601 2095, NSW Australia; CA 92177 400 Nowy Targ, Poland • The Scarred, PO Box 2433, • Guilt Ridden Pop, PO Box 11894, • Nitro, 7071 Warner Ave. Suite F- Anaheim, CA 92814 • Combat Rock Industry, PO Box St. Paul, MN 55111 736, Huntington Beach, CA 92647 • Thick, PO Box 220245, Chicago, 65, 11101 Riihimake, Finland; • H, PO Box 325, 432380 REUS • No Idea, PO Box 13316, IL 60622 (Spain) Gainesville FL 32604 • Thinker Thought, 1002 • Crackle!, PO Box 7, Otley, LS21 • Happy Couples Never Last, PO • Noma Beach, PO Box 735 Devonshire Rd., Washington, IL 1YB, England Box 36997, Indianapolis, IN, 46236 Sonoma, CA 95476; 61571 • Criminal I.Q., 3540 N. Southport, • Hardcore Holocaust, PO Box • TKO, 3126 W. Cary St. #303, Chicago, IL 60657 26742, Richmond, VA 23261 • Omnibus, PO Box 16-2372 Richmond, VA 23221 • Dead Beat, PO Box 283, LA, CA • Hater of God, PO Box 666, Troy, Sacramento, CA, 95816 • Trick Knee, PO Box 12714, Green 90078 NY 12181 • Partners in Crime, PO Box Bay, WI 54307-2714 • Dead Mic, PO Box 19537, Austin, • Haunted Town, 1658 N. 11787, Portland, OR 97211 • Turtlehead, TX 78760 Milwaukee Ave. #169, Chicago, IL • Pecan Crazy, PO Box 434, San • Unity Squad, PO Box 1235, • Dead Ones, 2309 N. Division #3, 60647 Marcos, TX 78667 Huntington Beach, CA 92647 Spokane, WA 99207 • Havoc, PO Box 8585, • Pelado, 521 W. Wilson C103, • Wankin’ Stiphs, PO Box 6480, • Deranged, PO Box 543, Station P, Minneapolis, MN 55408 Costa Mesa CA 92627 Mesa, AZ 85216 Toronto, Ontario, M5S 2T1 Canada • Headache, PO Box 204, Midland • Plan-It-X, PO Box 3521, • Whoa Oh, 52 McLoughlin St., • Die Die Diemond, PO Box Park, NJ 07432; • Postmersh c/o BC, 2432 W. • World Eater, PO Box 42728, Cortez Apt. 1R, Chicago, IL 60622 Philadelphia, PA 19101 AD INFINITUM, #8, free, 44 pgs. spans the years. This issue has ska- supplies last!) and only offer you While I am probably going to stick core band Less Than Jake but also some lame “upgrade,” so i stuck with Noam Chomsky and includes Bon Jovi’s European tour, one of my two remaining cans of Multinational Monitor, it’s good to LA Guns and Silverchair, as well as beer in my pocket, and another see what people in your backyard The Ataris, The Movielife, The All- down my pants – JUST IN CASE – are saying about politics. American Rejects and just about and, yup, as i reached the ticket –Speedway Randy every other whiny faux emo “The” window, lo and behold, no more (www.aimmag.com) band. So there’s lots of insight but Amoco™ C’mon Back Club card unduly dripping in a bad-hairspray tickets are available to me, Al AVOW, #17, $2, day: like the bands they cover, Franken. But yet, i have my two 5 ½ x 8 ½, copied, 28 pgs. you’ll find plenty of attitude and remaining beers (not to mention a Based on the artwork alone, I enthusiasm but little substance. The bit of a chilly willy), and they pump would highly recommend this, but British answer to RIP, complete the Bob Uecker/Jim Powell radio luckily it goes beyond cool looking with the Back Page Babe (this issue play-by-play of the game out of sta- drawings. It’s a bunch of short sto- features Midtown’s Rob Hitt sport- dium-mounted speakers to the great ries about the author’s daily life; it’s ing a cheesy devil lock). Take it for outdoors, and if one positions ones- kind of like a personal zine, only what it is and you’ll enjoy it. –Greg self in front of the correct glass- Avow isn’t crappy like Ration or Barbera (Shari Black Velvet, 336 paneled wall of the stadium, one something. Instead of whining or Birchfield Road, Webheath can see through the concourse, thru Send all zines for review to trying to emulate Morrissey, Keith Reddich, Worcs B974NG, England) the outfield bleachers, and have a just writes simple stories about stuff pretty good line of sight of pitcher, Razorcake, PO Box 42129, like standing up to a schoolyard CHINMUSIC, #6, $4, 8½ x 11, batter, and catcher, crowd traffic LA, CA 90042. Please bully, going to a lame party, and 52 pp., glossy cover, permitting. It’s like some manner of include a contact address, the eating glass to impress a girl. He two nicely-spaced staples elegant 21st-Century taxpayer- number of pages, the price, doesn’t try to make people think Less interview and more article-ori- funded knothole. So anyway, i got and whether or not you he’s really articulate or poetic or ented than i recall the last issue my own beer to drink, i got Bob and accept trades. anything, he just writes. It’s the being: interviews include (but are Jim calling the game for me, i can kind of unassuming writing that not limited to) the Weirdos, Rubber see the pitcher, catcher, batter, you get sucked into. And I know I City Rebels, and Marlins pitcher umpire and maybe the third base- already said this, but there are lots Tim Spooneybarger; the Murderer’s man if i wiggle around just right – of cool drawings thrown in between Row of columnists includes (but i’m actually having a better time the cool stories. –Josh (Keith also is not limited to) Mike “Zisk” watching the game from outside Rosson, 20 NW 16th Ave. #306, Faloon, Tim “Dagger” Hinely, and than i would have were i in the sta- Portland, OR 97209) Ben “FIND A TV” Weasel. And, dium. Eventually, however, some since Weasel tagged Field of kindly guy on the inside who had a BARRACUDA, #18, $3.50, Dreams as the worst baseball movie spare ticket motioned me over to 8½ x 11, 48 pgs. ever, and co-columnist Johnny Van the turnstile, and i was granted I don’t want to sound like I’m Passenheim, however, rated it access to the game proper. After the blowing smoke up publisher Jeff above the Mendoza Line as far as conclusion of the game, for whatev- Fox’s ass, but Barracuda’s science baseball films go (anyone not er reason, the Milwaukee Brewers is tight. The layout looks great, the familiar with the term “Mendoza Organization invited us all to stick writing is excellent, and there’s Line” is likely reading about the around for Field of Dreams on the something else that I’m forget- wrong zine), i’ll stick my unsolicit- Jumbotron™, and i watched about ting… Oh, yeah. There’s pictures of ed two bits into the fray and state the first hour or so, then surren- scantily clad ladies, which is defi- that i’m not really sure about Field dered to the call of the wild, return- nitely not a bad thing. This issue’s of Dreams either way, because i’ve ing home, where i made a lovely got a story about winning sixteen never seen the whole thing, but i’d supper out of a bag of Jack Links™ dollars in a drunken spelling bee, a say i saw about 60% at Miller Park Carne Seca Beef Jerky and a six- trip to Ben Franklin’s grave, tips on last summer, because i was coming pack of Bud Ice™, eventually wak- making an oversized beer cozy, and back up from Chicago one Sunday, ing up Monday morning on the liv- a great article about Antarctic and noticed that my filled Amoco™ ing room floor, awash in a large, explorer Ernest Shackleton that C’mon Back Club card was good aromatic puddle of regurgitated made for some fine toilet-time read- for a ticket to the Brewers-Pirates Jack Links™ Carne Seca Beef ing. A wise purchase. –Josh game that afternoon, and i know a Jerky and a six-pack of Bud Ice™. (PO Box 291873, LA, CA 90029) place to park for free on the street Field of Dreams may fare no better about a mile or so from the stadium, than a one-off September callup, BIG TAKEOVER, #53, then you gotta walk down some but i’ll give it a .201 for tenacity. $4.95, 320 pgs. railroad tracks and cut through the FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA Aging punk rocker meets the new Veteran’s Hospital grounds and FACT: The logo in the lower-right- indie parade, where some of those ANYWAY i got a four-pack of hand corner of the cover is a clever same idols are anyway. Huge intros Milwaukee’s Best™ Ice beer at a takeoff of the post-1922 Bauhaus and in-need-of-editing conversa- convenience store just off the logo. Extra bases for that one! tional interviews make me wonder tracks, and figured whatever i –Rev. Nørb why the editor isn’t in the band couldn’t suck down on the way (PO Box 225029, SF, CA 94122) photos. The two histories of semi- there i’d pitch by the side of the nal band The Bags by Alice and Pat tracks and pick up on the way back COMIXVILLE, #8, 50 cent Bag is worth the cover price. to my car, but then i remembered (just like the rapper), 5½ x 4¼ –Speedway Randy (249 Eldridge St how sometimes during Amoco™ If you’re looking for some cool #14, NY, NY, 10002) C’mon Back Club games (five fill- comic books that probably won’t be ups of eight gallons or more at any made into crappy movies any time BLACK VELVET, #37, $6, participating Amoco™? dealer and soon but don’t know where to 8 ½ x 11 ¾, glossy, stapled, 40 pgs. YOU shall receive a FREE Terrace begin, Comixville is the way to go. With thirty-seven issues under their Reserved seat! Offer good while It’s mostly one-page samples of belt, Black Velvet head mistress supplies last!), if you get there some pretty rad-looking comics Shari Black Velvet (natch!) covers a kinda late, they claim all the free along with contact information for 104 wide range of punk and metal that tickets are “gone” (offer good while each one. This issue’s also got an interview with Razorcake’s very case, it is. The layout is interesting maybe we just played street hockey, that Fat City might be a smutty lit- own Ben Snakepit. Be forewarned, and varied enough to keep all this something like that.” Nice. –Josh tle zine along the lines of though: you’ll most likely be order- stuff from turning into one big (1012 Rhoads Hall, 710 W. Horizontal Action or maybe even ing quite a few comic books if you headache. The stories are pretty Franklin St., Richmond, VA 23220) Probe. I’ve always thought that read this. –Josh (Comixville, PO good, and it seems like most of punk and nudity go great together. Box 697, Portland, OR 97207) them were either descriptions of DISTORTED RIFFS AND But no such luck. All the eye candy their towns or travel stories, CIRCLE PITS, #1, 5½ x 8, 36 pgs. is right there on the front cover. The COMPLETE CONTROL, #11, although the best one was about a Parts of this read like a Canadian GG article was pretty good but $2, 7 x 8 ½, xeroxed, 28 pgs. stubborn grandfather. Hand- scene report. That’s okay, since that most of the rest of the mag is slick- A nice “tour journal” zine from the screened covers are a nice touch, seems to be the intention here. I ly uninteresting. And even Dr. depths of a midwestern punk band’s too. –Josh (Cultore Sore, PO Box thought this was a pretty cool read Dot’s friendly cleavage could not (Operation: Cliff Clavin) 1997 tour 68711, Virginia Beach, VA 23471) since most of the bands mentioned win me back after I stumbled upon of punk rock America. Real good are of the basement show persua- the Van’s Warped Tour trading old school zine feel (8th generation CUT IT OUT, BABY!, $1, sion like This Is My Fist and cards toward the back of the zine. xeroxed look, chubby fonts, unsta- 5½ x 4¼, 16 pgs. Queerwulf, and those are bands that –Aphid Peewit (Fat City, PO Box pled), and it’s that uniform look With a lot of the stuff we get for I love. Aesthetically, it’s put togeth- 120196, Boston, MA 02112) which lends to a reading experience review here, it seems like we’re just er very well for a first issue, and if far from unique but as interesting a name on some PR person’s list. you’d like to brush up on some GENETIC DISORDER, #17, and as relevant as anything you can Everything is just so impersonal scruffy DIY bands, pick this up. $3, 6 x 9, 80 pages read in Our Band Could Be Your and product-driven, so for me, this –Josh (Distorted Riffs and Circle Fairly short but amusing zine that Life. (How ‘bout that last sen- is like a breath of fresh air. It’s just Pits, PO Box 21530, 1850 I’m sure most of you are familiar tence?) Interludes with a pre- a couple of funny stories, and the Commercial Dr, Vancouver, British with. This issue includes (albeit a Queens Of The Stoneage Nick whole thing is driven by enthusi- Columbia, V5L 5G2, Canada) reprint from issue #14) a hilarious Oliveri and his band Mondo asm. What more could you ask for? copy of a pamphlet that was passed Generator, Inquisition and Scared The first story is about riding bikes FAT CITY, #7, $4.50, out in some lecture for parents to Of Chaka pepper the dog days of around Richmond looking for 8½ x 11, glossy cover, 80 pgs. teach them about the various youth life on the road. Smells like dumpstered doughnuts, dumpstered When I first laid eyes on the cover subcultures their children might be Richmond. Rightfully so, as Greg’s movies behind Blockbuster Video, of this zine, I got my hopes up. A involved with. They break it down currently a columnist at Slug & and weed. No pretensions, just a topless women named “Dr. Dot” is into Mods, New Wave, New Lettuce. –Greg Barbera (Greg, PO story about having fun with your pictured cupping her inviting Romantics, Punks, Soul, Heavy Box 5021, Richmond, VA 23220) friends. The second story is about a breasts while she stares out at you Metalists, Rockers, Stoners, and bunch of small-town kids having with a come-hither look. As my tes- Black Metalists. They talk about CULTOR SORE, #15, $2, their treehouse torn down by neigh- ticular tingle finally subsided and I the fashion, of course, but the fun- 5½ x 8, 48 pgs. borhood bullies. It didn’t really was able to divert my gaze from all niest thing is the choice of and level All forty-eight pages of this zine are strike me as that funny until the last the skin on the cover, I noticed that of drug use amongst each group. pretty packed with writing. That’s paragraph, which ends with the there’s a piece inside on GG Allin Also, in the zine are some articles not always a good sign, but in this kiss-off, “We cried a lot that day, or and I started to think (and hope) on the Menendez killings, a break- down of fifteen San Diego shoot- in or on a corpse around the time of Maiden and time travel, so-called Hammerjack’s and Monkeyspank ings in the past year, a drunken rigor mortis, more and more comics “reality TV,” and weapons of mass at frat parties in Towson. The good journey to the Horizontal Action’s appear on the horizon as a society destruction. I especially enjoyed old days when I was a Judge-listen- Rock’n’Roll Blackout, and an inter- teeters ever closer to heat death. A.L. Van Deerlin’s funny and spot- ing freak and fell in love with a view with The Coachwhips. The And this country is swimming in on skewering of the blowhards and Slayer-listening lady. Outdated but funniest things in this issue are the comedians right now. I’ll even go snobs of Alcoholics Anonymous. inspired. –Greg Barbera (Marcy answers given to a NCADD pam- as far as to don my Oswald There are also plenty of CD, movie, Miller, 12706 Pleasant Ridge Rd., phlet titled “What Are The Signs of Spengler bald-head wig and state book and zine reviews. I don’t Harrisonville, PA, 17228) Alcoholism?” Twenty-six questions emphatically that this Western know if the previous issues were as and answers that made me laugh Civilization of ours that is enter- good as this, but I’m looking for- ROCTOBER, #37, $4, out loud. There are also music and tained by sequined pedophiles, self- ward to issue #24. –Aphid Peewit 8½ x 11, 86 pgs., newsprint zine reviews. All this and a 3-D absorbed hip-hoppers, former (PO Box 3437, Astoria, NY 11103) I’d heard a lot about Roctober for a front and back cover complete with Mousketeers and steroid comics, while, so I was pretty intrigued 3D glasses. –Toby (PO Box 15237 probably deserves a swift and RIDE ON, #7, $2, when I saw it in the review pile. San Diego, CA 92175) ghastly demise. But I digress. 5 ½ x 8 ½, xeroxed, 32 pgs. While it is a good magazine, I can’t There’s some funny stuff in here as Jim Straub’s personal zine focuses say that it lives up to the name. GENETIC DISORDER, #17, $3, well as some stuff trying too hard to on his travels abroad (Mexico City, There’s not really too much focus 6 x 9, 84 pgs., glossy cover in be funny. And a couple of inter- Uruguay, Chile, Bolivia) and state- on, you know, “rock.” There’s somewhat dysfunctional 3-D views with two Arizona-based emo side (Philly, Richmond) and the super-long articles about soul musi- I haven’t seen one of these since bands. Anyway, if you’re dying to insights and experiences he’s cian Joe Tex and the musical pro- about issue #14, “The Satan Issue,” pay even more attention to people gained by doing such feats. Reads jects of Alvin & the Chipmunks. which was a big bathroom favorite like Dave Attell and Zach like a Trustafarian’s journal at I’m not saying that those are bad, at my old apartment for quite some Galifianakis than you already have, times; at others, a next-generation because they’re good articles, and time. Sometime between then and this zine’s for you. –Aphid Peewit On the Road. He’s clearly done his thorough. I’d definitely rather read now, Larry lost his job and (pre- (Modest Proposal, PO Box 3211, homework when cross-referencing about the Chipmunks’ Sing with the sumably as a result?) cut the dimen- Tempe, AZ 85280) (re: the tangent from Bolivia on the Children LP than what some kid in sions down to what we might’ve history of the Spaniards’ “occupa- New Mexico thinks about his called “digest sized” a few decades MR. PEEBODY’S SOILED tion” and the meaning of the town friend’s crust band. But c’mon… ago. I have no problem with that, TROUSERS AND OTHER of Potosi’s statues of Bacchus or a it’s called Roctober. I was expect- but what kinda bugs me is that, DELIGHTS, #18, $2, 40 pgs. bi-racial background thesis on ing Thin Lizzy centerfolds and a information-density-wise, this lid is I’m just picking this issue up at Richmond alternating between the very pro-Rory Gallagher slant to noticeably light. About 25% of the #18, so it’s a little unfair to com- city’s famous – and not-so-famous the writing. All told, there’s a great pages are dedicated to advertising; ment on the everyday diary of the – white and black heroes) and digs piece about the All Sports Band the reprinting of an ironically editor while living in Hollywood deeper to craft a sentence than most done by Mike Faloon of Go humorous brochure on “Youth Sub with the largest PO box number journal-style zines. Overall it sheds Metric!, and the record reviews are Cultures” – which, mind you, had I’ve ever heard of. In the intro, he light to the modern day twen- some of the funniest I’ve ever read. already been reprinted in its entire- explains that this will be the last tysomething activist punk set while And who knew that Raymond Burr ty in issue #14 – starts on page 11 issue in that format. still managing to be full of decent appeared on a Smokey the Bear and doesn’t end ‘til page 29; and it –Speedway Randy (Jay, PO Box travel writing a la Bill Bryson. But record? Recommended. –Josh takes Larry from page 56 thru page 931333, LA, CA 90093) you’re going to really have to want (Roctober, 1507 E 53rd St. #617, 65 to write cocky answers to a brief to read about this kind of stuff to Chicago, IL 60615) alcoholism self-test. It’s still funny NO. 13, #8, $2, 16 pgs. plow through thirty-two pages and as shit, but for three bucks, i found A zine by Boston punks for Boston not lose interest several times. UNDERWORLD CRAWL, #1, this kind of a swift read. FANTAS- punks. Look for it in Boston. Great reading for the powder room. $2, 5 ½ x 8 ½, printed, 32 pgs. TIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: –Speedway Randy (FN, PO Box –Greg Barbera (Jim Straub, 2112 Insane. Fucking insane. This is the Hey, i own that Coachwhips album! 1299, Boston, MA, 02130) Rose Ave., Richmond, VA, 23222) stuff zine collectors yearn for. –Rev. Nørb (PO Box 15237, San Underworld Crawl is one man’s Diego CA 92175) PAPING, #9, $5, 5½ x 4, 32 pgs. ROCKBOTTOM, #20, free, foray into the doldrums of shit jobs This is fucking awesome. The 8 ½ x 11, xeroxed and stapled and the odd characters that infiltrate MODEST PROPOSAL, #3, whole thing is hand-screened on A Central Pennsylvania-based zine them written with Hubert Selby, Jr.- $3, 8½ x 11, 64 pgs. construction paper and bound with which focuses mainly on rock – like flair. Gloriously sordid tales of This zine concerns itself with string. That in itself is an unbeliev- rock like my wife likes; rock like Nazi Human Resource Directors “counterculture comedy” and, able amount of effort, but these Kix. For girls who like their skirts who win the lawsuits to fire them therefore, has many breezy little drawings are amazingly detailed. short and tight and their drinks only to stay employed but hated, interviews with comedians – all As far as content, it’s a story about strong; for guys who still have hair, and crazy jazz head uncles to sto- which heap even more attention on a teacher who forgets to lock up his use product and wear faded jeans; ries of fucking orgies – all soaked these professional attention hogs. bike and it gets stolen as a result. and for those who yearn for the last in booze! Stiff drinks and a punch- This makes me a little queasy, He enlists the help of his students two. I flashed back to ‘84 several your-boss-in-the-face salute to this because I’ve always felt like comics and… well, I don’t want to ruin the times while reading Rockbottom zine. –Greg Barbera (R. Lee, PO are akin to body builders or maybe story for you. All I can say is that and hallucinated about life in ‘91 – Box 1421, Oshkosh, WI, 54903) even the girl-monster in the movie I’m blown away by how cool this when Fields of the Nephilim and She Freak. Like ‘roid-pumped body looks. –Josh (Paping, PO Box 128, Wrathchild America ruled the land. WHY NOT?, #8, $1, builders, comics have focused in on 45 E. 7th St., New York, NY 10003) Weird slice-of-life insight inter- 5 ½ x 8 ½, xeroxed, 32 pgs. one particular component of their views of butch lesbo-fronted rock Why? Personal zine with most being (in this case, their funny mus- READ, #23, $3, 8½ x 11, band Crunch Mob (as editor Marcy pages consisting of xeroxed copies cles) and exercised the living shit glossy cover, 100 pgs. Miller so eloquently states: “YOU of badly hand-printed pieces on out of them until they are an over- No one really likes to come right GUYS RULE!!”), Carolina stage- solitude, gifts, and fake gay accents inflated, lop-sided, cartoony exag- out and say it, but I will: zines are hand AJ “Wild” White (“SHARE by a girl who goes by geration of a human being. She kind of like seed art; as much as W/ US WHAT YOU WANT, JemuelThePoet. Like a page from Freaks, if you will, all because of a you admire the zinester’s gumption HON!!!!!”), and Wayne Klinger’s the script of My So-Called Life, this desperate, debilitating addiction to to put it all together, the actual meat Quintessence Metal webzine and zine smells like teen spirit. attention. As usual, I haven’t actual- and potatoes of the zine itself usual- more (live reviews, CD reviews and –Greg Barbera (Jen ly crunched the numbers or have ly sucks. Happily, that is not the zine reviews). Rockbottom reminds Gardner, PO Box 1234, pie graphs to support this out- case here. This is the “conspiracy me heavily of my college days in Berkeley, CA, 94701) landish claim, but I contend that, issue” and it’s packed with smart- Baltimore... back to the days of like certain microbes that show up ass stuff on Freemasons, Iron Tommy & The Love Tribe at 107 Michigan Fest, DVD Vandals: Live at the House of Blues, DVD Live footage from a three-day music festival Back in the early 1980s, a small, relatively held in the not too distant past, featuring one obscure South Bay punk band called the song each from Arab On Radar, !!!, Vaz, Crush Vandals developed a word-of-mouth reputation Kill Destroy, Dillinger Four, Isis, Coalesce, The by trashing the houses of parties they played. Arrivals, Haymarket Riot, Rye Coalition, Small Not long after that, they released an amusing EP Brown Bike, Milemarker, and others. All the of silly tunes poking fun at nearly everything in technical stuff (sound, lighting, etc.) is quite reach, from dropping LSD at Disneyland to good, multiple cameras are used, amusing inter- friends-turned-legends to punk’s political views are peppered in between the performances. stances. One of those tunes, parodying the I really liked the diversity of the bands presented punks vs. urban cowboy wars then raging at here, and was impressed by a few I would never Costa Mesa’s Cuckoo’s Nest, became a region- be caught dead with on my stereo (don’t ask, al hit and earned the band their fifteen minutes ‘cause I ain’t gonna tell you). While I did have a problem with the “hard- of fame. After their first full-length earned them another hit, they sum- core” end of the punk spectrum being represented by bad metal bands and marily sacked their lead singer and brought in another less flamboyant the lack of more “traditional” punk fare here (what, the Spits couldn’t be front man to fill his shoes. Fast forward to 2004, wherein the Vandals coaxed to participate or anything?), and the occasional “college music have effectively laid waste to the laws of physics and have upset the showcase” vibe of the proceedings, it was a nice watch in an Urgh! sorta space/time continuum by somehow managing to increase their fan base way, where you may not dig all of what’s going down but the sheer vol- by producing suckier and suckier music. The only member left from the ume and diversity of what you get to wade through is refreshing. –Jimmy original band is the drummer (who is now the bass player), the band has Alvarado (Bifocal Media, PO Box 50106, Raleigh, NC 27650-0106) jumped from one subgenre to the next over the years, first chasing cow- punk until they realized there was no money to be found at that well, and Minor Threat: DC Space, Buff Hall, 9:30 Club, DVD now raking in the dough as a cheap NOFX knockoff. Presented here is A DVD reissue of what was originally the Minor Threat Live video, what one assumes to be a recent performance at the House of Blues, which consisted of a live set recorded at the 9:30 Club on 6/23/83, with wherein the band crank out tune after tune of bland, faceless, frat boy rock additional footage from two other shows dated 12/17/80 and 11/20/82, to the assembled poseurs and Avril Lavigne clones looking to earn some respectively, and an interview with Ian rounding things out. The video punk cred at school by seeing a “real” punk band. The only “oldie” show- and sound quality vary, with the 9:30 Club stuff being the best in that cased here is a thorough butchering of the Simpletones’ “I Have a Date,” respect, but all have their charms, like watching Ian sing to a pretty amped which leads one to think that it might just be a good thing that Snickers is crowd while sporting a rather large lump on his noggin incurred in an dead, because someone no doubt deserves a good smack down for what accident just before the show. Although the splice and dice presentation is done to that tune. To put things more succinctly, the Vandals are living of the interview (all the questions spliced together, followed by all of his proof that you should never, under any circumstances, let the drummer answers spliced together) was a bit annoying, all the hits can be found call the shots. As if the DVD wasn’t punishment enough, included is a here, the energetic performances are a helluva lotta fun to watch, and the bonus CD of the performance with which you can soil your stereo just as long, detailed intros before each performance are very informative and badly as you did your DVD player. It also means you get two tar- provide some perspective for those who weren’t there. In short, essential gets for your next skeet shooting session, which is about the only viewing. –Jimmy Alvarado (Dischord, 3819 Beecher Street NW, decent thing one can do with such utter wastes of plastic. Washington, DC 20007) –Jimmy Alvarado (www.kungfurecords.com)

No Means No & the Hanson Brothers: Would We Be... Live?, DVD There are some great bands still kicking around these days, but very few of them are just as, well, HUGE as No Means No are live. They real- ly are a sight to behold. On the stage, these guys come off like musical giants – tight, heavy and weird giants. And on this DVD, you get a taste of what that is like – twenty songs by this fiery power trio. Best of all, these guys are living proof that musicians don’t have to put their guts out to pasture and go all Westerberg just because they turn thirty-five. In fact, it can be said, without hyperbole, that these three salt and pepper-haired Canucks bring more heat live than a dump truck full of the most preen- ing, Mountain Dew-swilling, spiky-haired-dad-hater punques the suburbs have to offer. The second band on this video is the Hanson Brothers, which feature No Means No drummer John Wright on the mic (as his alter-ego Johnny Hanson) and No Means No guitarist Tom Holliston (on the six-string as Tommy Hanson). The band’s name is an homage to the three scene-steal- ing, “differently-abled” brothers from the 1977 hockey movie Slapshot. (“They’re fuckin’ horrible lookin’. What did the old man trade for these assholes, a used puck bag?”) The Hanson Brothers are also a great band, full of big rock styling. Their tunes are much more straightforward, four- on-the-floor punk than the staccato, stop on a dime songs of No Means No, but they also really know how to bring it live. Most of their songs are about hockey and beer, but their appeal will not be lost on you if you’re not into these two things – for some unfathomable reason. This DVD is really fun to watch and is exceptionally well-produced, but No Means No are one of the best bands you’ll ever see live. They are the Grand Canyon of punk. Pictures will never do them justice. So, it’s hard to say that this video captures all the verve of being there. But that is a really a failing of ALL live videos, not this one in particular. In fact, the folks at Punkervision deserve full marks for producing such a high- quality live video with a limited amount of equipment and crew at their disposal. Their videos are shot on four separate hand-held cameras, with no communication between the operators. The audio is recorded with a mix of the live board feed and area mics. All four video feeds are synched up with the audio later and cut together. Punkervision, like punk music itself, gets great results from being a model of efficiency, relying more on pluck and raw talent than fluff and frills. –Jeff Fox (Punkervision) The book also shows the fine line between The Enemy’s Within punk bands that love the music and bands that by Jimmy Reject, 120 pages are trying to use punk as a jumping off point for There are all kinds of punks. Crusty punks, mainstream success. One of the best parts of the pop punks, straight edge punks, political punks, book is when Spoke was booked to play a show drunk punks, silly punks, nazi punks, skinhead with Nuisance and Seven Year Bitch. He recalls punks, metal punks and more! This is a book the promoter and the guys in Nuisance as being about one kind of punk—the “fuck-the-world- nothing but cool, but that Seven Year Bitch let’s-get-drunk-and-talk-about-killing-every- “spoke to us with a vague condescension spe- one” punk! cific to ‘bands on the rise.’” Among other Jimmy Reject, ex-member of the amazing things, he goes on to say that their manager kept Dimestore Haloes, has collected a number of his name-dropping people involved with all those writings, including an autobiography of sorts crappy grunge bands from the early ‘90s. At the (previously published as the zine Down in end of the show when it was time to pay the Flames), and put them together in book form. bands, Seven Year Bitch complained about how This book looks back on his “fuck-the-world- the promoter ripping them off, despite the fact let’s-get-drunk-and-talk-about-killing-every- that it was a Wednesday night show and only one” years! about two hundred people showed up. The pro- In the “Down in Flames” section, Jimmy moter had paid them all the door money and tells crazy stories – about peeing on Donny the then paid money out of his own pocket to meet Punk, having a threesome with a guy and a girl, their guarantee. When they pressed him for doing a lot of drugs, meeting Mykel Board, and more money, he threw his wallet at them and more. But these are not your average fucked-up- said, “Here. That’s all I have. Now go buy your on-drugs stories. As the author’s bio reveals, heroin.” It was a perfect example of wannabe Jimmy was diagnosed with paranoid schizo- rock stars taking advantage of honest, hard- phrenia about eight years ago. Most of these sto- working people in the punk scene. ries center on delusions, hallucinations and fan- As far as aesthetics go, Jon Resh must be tasies – written in a style that’s sometimes over- some kind of graphic genius. The cover looks the-top, but more often just plain easy to read. awesome, the layout looks pretty nifty; basical- And, unlike so many books that look back on the ly, this book is a nice piece of eye candy. On top author’s mental illness, this one does not attempt Amped: Notes From a Go-Nowhere Punk Band of this being a great book about a band that did to be reflective. It just tells it like it was, in first by Jon Resh, 160 pgs. everything just for the hell of it, it’s dirt cheap, person, as it unfolded. This is the kind of book The fact that most music-related “tell-all” too, so I can’t think of a higher recommendation. you can’t put down, regardless, because the sto- books are so full of nauseating self-importance –Josh ($4.50 from Viper Press, PO Box 3394, ries are just so odd. that they’re hard to enjoy should probably be Chicago, IL 60690-3394) For example, there’s the delusional fantasies common knowledge to anyone who has ever (“I was convinced that I was Satan, that dark read one. No matter how much of a historical AntiSeen: Destructo Maximus adversary crevice that lurked beneath the benev- footnote the band is (American Hardcore author Compiled and edited by Jeff Clayton, Leslie olent light that shone on all God’s creatures; the Steven Blush was in No Trend), you usually end Goldman, and Larry Kay, 268 pgs. spiritual antithesis of everything. And I had up with page after page of “look how great and Good lord, this may be the highest quality already sent a disciple roaring into the flames of important we were.” I’ve read more than one book by and for a band I’ve ever laid eyes on. Hell.”); there’s the overflowing anger (“I want- book claiming that the Doors were the godfa- I’ll be honest. I’m not a huge fan AntiSeen’s ed to punch him in the face until his nose thers of LA punk rock without explaining why, entire catalog, but my hat’s off in total respect exploded in raw, red blood. I wanted to kick him and it’s impossible to read anything about X for what they and Steel Cage have been able to in the nads until they turned blue. But most of all without the writer blowing his load proclaiming put together. Actually, I found myself being I wanted to hack him with an axe until his the far and wide influence that band had over more of an admirer the more I read about them. intestines were exposed then smother his body music without naming a single band that shows Being a publisher and an admirer of archives in road salt.”); there’s the frequent G.G. Allin such an influence. Having said that, it’s quite a myself, it’s easy to marvel at not only the faux- references (“I suffered an innate rage expressed breath of fresh air to read a book that starts off leather, silver-embossed cover and the heavy only by the likes of G.G. Allin.”); there’s the flir- one chapter with, “The sound I make when gloss paper, but the sheer volume of pictures and tation with anything as long as it pisses people ‘singing’ could be mistaken for a lion puking information that covers this band’s first twenty off (“[The record] was searing, grinding, disso- into a megaphone.” years. The layout itself must have taken the bet- nant noise, marked by lyrics about a kid who Jon Resh has no delusions about the histori- ter part of half a year. What’s further amazing is stabbed himself in the stomach, a gang of nun cal importance (or lack thereof) of his band the packrat diversity of what’s inside. Not only rapists and aliens with swastika tattoos coming Spoke, a staple of the early ‘90s central Florida are there literally hundreds of pictures of the to earth looking for Jesus Christ. My kind of punk scene and one of the first bands to be band, from every lineup (I bet most people don’t shit.”); and then there’s the emotional connec- released by No Idea Records. If anything, he realize that AntiSeen had a black bassist for a tion with rejection (“Greetings we are the people may be a little too critical of himself and his spell), there are an almost uncountable number you never talked to in high school and we’ve bandmates, but that’s neither here nor there. of reviews, interviews (many complete reprints), been waiting for you.”). Despite having never heard a note of Spoke’s and newspaper clippings. (Like a scan of the Yes, this is one creepy book. But, even music, I thought Amped was really entertaining certificate that they won the 1988 Creative though I couldn’t relate to almost anything and interesting, filled with a true passion for Loafing “Best Stage Presence/ Appearance,” Jimmy writes about (my delusions mostly con- DIY punk rock that is often missing from punk 1994’s certificate for their lead singer, Jeff cern Sour Patch Kids and Lucky Charms), I read rock memoirs. Whether he’s talking about a tour Clayton, “Best Person to be Mascot for the it all in one sitting. And although one of the sto- of Florida with Radon (oddly enough, one of my Panthers,” and an article on Jeff’s close and lov- ries, “Sequin Blue,” isn’t that great (it’s basical- favorite bands) or the tight-knit crowd at the ing relationship with his mom.) Wrapping it all ly Jimmy’s autobiography twisted around with a now-defunct Hardback Café in Gainesville, it’s together are complete lyrics to all the songs they 50-year-old teacher as the main character), I’m always about the music and how the music made ever wrote, a complete discography, and a long going to be handing this around to friends for him feel like he was a part of something. Instead list of bands that have covered them. Awesome, quite some time. of saying, “One time we played a show with in the original sense of the word. A very high bar After all, how often does a book come along Quicksand. That’s how good we were,” he for other bands to aspire to if they’re ever think- with the sentence “Then I knew that in fact all shares an anecdote about the show, how he and ing about releasing a retrospective of their lives. songs were written about me, all in celebration his bandmates decided that it would be a good –Todd ($25, Steel Cage Books, PO Box 29247, of how I’d ascend to rid the world of Christ’s idea to set up the drumset at the opposite end of Philadelphia, PA 19125; congealing influence”? –Maddy (Jimmy Reject the club. When that idea goes horribly wrong, ) c/o Blueboy Productions, PO Box 710041, they just kind of shrug and laugh it off. Quincy, MA 02171) Foster Care take Ollie North and drill a peephole into his of info-kibble and Survivor.” Goff writes: by Ann Raber, 222 pgs. head – a la Jeff Dahmer – and then insert a straw “American culture is a sheep culture – long on Coming-of-age novel about latchkey/juvi and suck out most of the inert reptilian spongy talk about individualism, but even longer on kids who like to play with fire. It’s set in the late stuff. Next, pour in two parts essence of Noam absolute conformity. Most still believe that indi- ‘80s. One of ‘em finds salvation/damnation in Chomsky and one part Essence of Johnny viduality is based on which model car you like foster care – and through the songs of Rotten and add a pinch of Ilya Prigogine and best – commodity identity...” Lefties and Screeching Weasel. It paints a picture of adoles- shake well. Suffice it to say, Stan Goff is as exot- Neocons alike do not escape Goff’s keen critical cent life not unlike Matt Dillon’s cult film Over ic as a blue-footed booby; a career military man eye. the Edge, only it’s a decade later (but the clothes who is as politically radical as Jello Biafra – but Goff certainly succeeded in shaking up my and haircuts are just as bad). The writing is real- at once, more professorial and more vulgar. thinking and for that, I thank him. Watching the ly good as author Ann Raber touches on some Full Spectrum Disorder is, on the surface, a military equivalent of a ghastly multi-car pile up important themes (alienation, desperation) as sort of travelogue detailing Goff’s various mili- where human bodies are smeared like lipstick well as dishing out a believable male protago- tary travails in places like Haiti, Vietnam, Korea, across the road is bound to shake a person up – nist, but the whole set up and delivery of the and Somalia, but it is also a scathing critique of and there are plenty of body bags in the pages of tome is disjointed as hell. It reads like a Robert U.S. global hegemony and what Goff calls this book. And while Full Spectrum Disorder is Altman novel; it jumps from past to present in “white supremacist patriarchal capitalism.” On a rambling in spots and occasionally trips up civil- the blink of an eye, making it problematic to fol- deeper level it is also a fascinating study of ians like myself with clunky military shibbo- low the story line at times. A good example of chaos theory, epistemology, and entropy as it leths, it is well written and powerfully presented. why writers need editors but nonetheless an pertains to the U.S. Military. This book is multi- Maybe this isn’t much coming from me, but this excellent first attempt. Nobody should ever be layered and not easily pigeon holed. As Goff is quite possibly the single most intelligent exe- faulted for writing a novel. Nobody. But you will says himself in the introduction: “I don’t want to gesis on the American politico-militaristic dung get called out on the cheese. Yes, you will. I write a book that ‘proves’ itself. I want to write pie that I’ve ever had the good fortune to step in. mean, when she writes about towns like a book that shakes up people’s thinking, and if it Full Spectrum Disorder is certainly an Fuckfaceville and shopping at the C-mart, she provokes debates or even attacks, so be it. I impassioned call-to-arms, but it is ultimately a only reminds me that I’m reading fiction. If you don’t even mind being proven wrong, if that’s powerful treatise on just how utterly fucking dis- can get past the sappy first layer of clichés and what happens. If the book were meant to support orderly war and politics – and life – really are – peel back the skin on this onion of a novel, then some overarching conclusion, it would be differ- no matter how you try to spin it. This book is, you might enjoy it. It might bring tears to your ent, more confined within a genre. It’s not that indeed, like its author, “a different kind of frog.” eyes. And yes, punky, that last line was a double kind of frog.” Stan Goff is one military “expert” you’ll never entendre. –Greg Barbera (Post-Traumatic Press, It warms the cockles of this old ticker to see see mouthing off on CNN. –Aphid Peewit (Soft PO Box 408021, Chicago, IL 60640) someone who’s endured the full battery of U.S. Skull Press, 71 Bond Street, Brooklyn, NY Army brainwashing indoctrination systems only 11217) Full Spectrum Disorder: The Military in the to turn like a rabid pitbull and latch onto the New American Century spindly legs of Power Clowns like Donald The Politics of Anti-Semitism By Stan Goff, 192 pgs. Rumsfeld and G.W. Bush (“the spoiled preppy edited by Alexander Cockburn and Jeffrey St. This is an odd little book by an odd little frat-fuck”). And he is almost as vicious with his Clair, 178 pages man. Here’s how I think you would make a take on what he terms the “ovine American pub- A few years ago, during a trip back to my old “Stan Goff,” if you were so-inclined to do so: lic” whose heads “have been softened by a diet college town, I saw signs everywhere saying, “Fight Anti-Semitism in Our Community!” and ers, including historian Norman Finkelstein proving anti-Semitism by going too far in the “Anti-Semitism Cannot Be Tolerated!” in (who has gained much notoriety for his contro- other direction, repeating myths about Jewish stores, restaurants, and bus stops. I didn’t know versial and fascinating book The Holocaust involvement in 9/11, dismissing or downplay- what they were referring to, and figured this Industry), journalist Robert Fisk, and the recent- ing the Holocaust, and arguing that anti- was yet another example of someone being stu- ly deceased intellectual and pro-Palestinian Semitism in the Arab world exists just because pid and thinking that spray painting a swastika activist Edward Said. of Israel. In Michael Neumann’s essay “What is was cool. The book comes at an important time. As Anti-Semitism?” he writes, “I think we should But then I got a call from my friend Maria, Uri Avnery writes in his essay “Manufacturing almost never take anti-Semitism seriously, and asking if I wanted to go to protest the anti- Anti-Semitism,” “For many years, Israel maybe we should have some fun with it. I think Semitism protest. I was confused – until she enjoyed the sympathy of most people. It was it is particularly unimportant to the Israel- explained that the “anti-Semitic” graffiti the seen as the state of the Holocaust survivors, a Palestinian conflict, except perhaps as a diver- signs referred to was actually pro-Palestinian small and courageous country defending itself sion from the real issues.” He further down- graffiti. Stuff like “Free Palestine” and “End the against the repeated assaults of murderous plays the anti-Semitism prevalent in the Arab Terrorist Israeli State.” So, out of curiosity, I Arabs. Slowly, this image has been replaced by world, writing, “Undoubtedly there is genuine went. About twenty people gathered in a small another: a cruel, brutal and colonizing state, anti-Semitism in the Arab world: the distribu- park to listen to speeches and condemn this oppressing a small and helpless people. The tion of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion, the “anti-Semitic hate crime.” I was surprised. How persecuted has become the persecutor, David myths about stealing the blood of gentile could these seemingly reasonable people equate has turned into Goliath.” babies. This is utterly inexcusable. So was your criticism of one country’s government with crit- This is a fascinating and important subject – failure to answer Aunt Bee’s last letter.” icism of a major, global religion? and one that most activists are afraid to touch. The other essays meander somewhere Since then, I’ve seen many more examples Said’s essay “Dignity, Solidarity and The Penal between these two, discussing everything from of this sort of logic. As support for the Colony” is the sort of straightforward yet death threats the actor John Malkovich made to Palestinians grows (helped, in part, by Ariel polemic writing readers of Said would expect, a prominent journalist covering the conflict to Sharon’s ridiculous tactics, including building a and stands out as the best essay in the collec- the history of U.S. involvement in Israel. wall to separate Palestinians from Israelis), tion. He disputes the popularly held notion that This issue desperately needs to be cries of anti-Semitism are increasing. Some both sides of the Israeli/Palestinian conflict are addressed in the American Left. Unfortunately, conservative Jewish organizations are warning equally to blame, and are engaged in a never- although The Politics of Anti-Semitism includes that we are witnessing a shocking increase in ending “cycle of violence.” He writes, “Once in some gems, it also meanders around the topic, anti-Semitism, and have equated it to the begin- awhile, we ought to pause and declare indig- overstating some points and downplaying oth- nings of Hitler’s Germany. nantly that there is only one side with an army ers – like the Arab responsibility for a great deal The Politics of Anti-Semitism, a new collec- and a country: the other is a stateless, dispos- of anti-Semitism. If you’re obsessed with this tion of essays by CounterPunch editors sessed population without rights or any present issue, I’d check out this book. Otherwise, pick Alexander Cockburn and Jeffrey St. Clair, looks way of securing them.” Although Said con- up some books by Edward Said or Norman critically at this “rise of anti-Semitism” and dis- demns suicide bombing as a tactic that “does Finkelstein instead. –Maddy putes the idea that the current levels of anti- much more harm than good,” he refuses to (CounterPunch/AK Press, 674-A Semitism are dangerously high. The book fea- equate the tactics of the two sides. 23rd St., Oakland, CA 94612) tures over a dozen activists, historians and writ- However, other essays seem intent on dis-