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It’s strange the things you learn about yourself when you travel, I took my second trip to go to the wedding of an old friend, andI the last two trips I took taught me a lot about why I spend so Tommy. Tommy and I have been hanging out together since we much time working on this toilet topper that you’re reading right were about four years old, and we’ve been listening to now. together since before a lot of Razorcake readers were born. Tommy The first trip was the Perpetual Motion Roadshow, an came to pick me up from jail when I got arrested for being a smart independent writers touring circuit that took me through seven ass. I dragged the best man out of Tommy’s wedding after the best cities in eight days. One of those cities was Cleveland. While I was man dropped his pants at the bar. Friendships like this don’t come there, I scammed my way into the Hall of Fame. See, along every day. they let touring bands in for free, and I knew this, so I masqueraded Before the wedding, we had the obligatory bachelor party, as the drummer for the all-girl Canadian punk band Sophomore which led to the obligatory visit to the strip bar, which led to the Level Psychology. My facial hair didn’t give me away. Nor did my obligatory bachelor on stage, drunk and dancing with strippers. We obvious lack of national health care. I got in for free. don’t make these rules. We just live by them. So Tommy was up I saw some cool things, like the bass Mick Jones smashed on there, with a topless woman ripping the buttons off of his fancy the cover of Calling, and I saw some lame things, like all shirt, only to expose that underneath, Tommy was wearing a the ’ outfits. I wandered upstairs to the exhibit on Razorcake t-shirt. It made me proud to see Razorcake representing rock’n’roll magazines and stared at a huge glass case full of Rolling up there on that stage. Seriously. Think of it metaphorically: when Stone, Spin, 16, and other equally weak stuff. One of my friends the societally acceptable costume gets torn off and life’s suddenly saw me staring at the display and said, “Where’s Razorcake?” just about the down and dirty good time, there’s Razorcake, close to I laughed because it was absurd. Why would Razorcake ever be the heart. somewhere like the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and why would I Okay, so I was pretty drunk. want it to be there, anyway? I hope nothing I write ever ends up Later that night, a barely standing Tommy introduced me to his behind a glass case, where people can’t touch it and read it. The uncle. Tommy pointed at me and said to his uncle, “This is the guy truth is, the place where I tend to see Razorcake the most is on the who took all the crazy shit we did and put it in writing.” Even top of people’s toilet tanks. And that’s where I want to see it. through the haze of a dozen beers, and beyond silly strip club Besides, I kept reminding myself, it’s the Hall of Fame, not the Hall metaphors, I realized that this is what I aspire to: the stories of Talent. What kind of thing is fame to aspire for? Why would you themselves. The idea of taking this wild life and this mad want to be so famous that you’d have to spend your life in a glass subculture we’re all a part of and putting it in writing. Spreading it case? And what could be more fleeting and vacuous than fame? I around. Helping everyone know that we’re not completely alone. don’t know. The top of a toilet tank? There’s no glass case separating us from life. It’s all right here. This made me ask myself what all this work is all about. What Nothing’s keeping us from reaching out and touching it. do I aspire to? -Sean AD DEADLINE FOR ADVERTISING STIPULATIONS ISSUE #18 • All ads are black and white. December 1st, 2003 • Make ads the right size and orientation. AD DEADLINE FOR ISSUE #19 • We don’t reserve ad space. February 1st, 2004 • Send good laser prints for the ads. Use solely black ink on all art. Do not output your ad on a EMAIL OR MAIL US bubble jet printer even if it looks black and FOR THE RATES AND DETAILS white. • All photos must be halftoned using a 85 LPI AD SIZES (85 line screen). • Full page, 7.5” wide, 10” tall. • If we need to invoice you, we won’t run your • Half page, 7.5” wide, 5” tall. ad until we have the cash on hand, so make • Quarter page, 3.75” wide, 5” tall. those arrangements before the ad deadline. • Sixth page, 2.5” wide, 5” tall. • So on, so forth. Yep. • Please make all checks out to Razorcake.

Razorcake and razorcake.com are untangled and wrangled by Sean Carswell, Todd Taylor, Megan Pants, Skinny Dan, ktspin and Felizon Vidad

Razorcake is distributed by Big Top Newstand Services, 2729 Mission St., Ste.201, SF, CA 94110, [email protected] Cover designed by Jason Willis, ; photo by Todd Taylor

Thank you list: “Are you crock potting ribs?” thanks to Julia Smut for her ever-diligent masseusing of our cover; Jason “Part of the Problem” Willis for his cannonball of a front cover; Davey and Mark Tiltwheel bid you fine hellos. Grass stains that’ll never come out thanks to Petite Paquet for her Onions interview; “Hello, Photo by Seth Swaaley I’m Wesley Willis and I’m a rock star” thanks to Scott Cox-Stanton for his remembrance and the Willis family and Eyeosaur Productions for the pictures; Pabst fuck-yeahs to our new contributor Ben Snakepit; fake blood thanks to Randy Iwata for helping out with Nardwuar; burning dumpster thanks to Tito for his first column; “Wow, you’re self-taught” thanks to Rob Ruelas for the Rich Mackin illustration; high-kicking thanks to Bradley Williams for the ILCK II interview and Jeff Johnson for the pics; barbed wire, blood, and libertarian thanks to Art Ettinger for the interview and Jason Griscom, Allana Sleeth, Greg Bailey for the photos; creeps plus vanity equals real icky thanks to Patricia Geary for her column; Harry and Nancy Carswell for watching the birth of rock’n’roll and then birthing Sean, so he could write about it; it’s an addiction with few rewards thanks to Jimmy Alvarado, Cuss Baxter, Donofthedead, Aphid Peewit, Mike Beer, Puckett, and Wanda Spragg for their reviews; newsprint on the light switch thanks to Greg Barbara and Speedway Randy for their book and reviews; fuck this job, 52-hour Greyhound bus ride thanks to Not Josh for all of his reviews and coming out to visit us. www.razorcake.com *• PO Box 42129, Los Angeles, CA 90042 , December 2003/ January 2004 “I can see that otter’s dick” Issue #17 –From the liner notes to the posthumously released Wesley Willis Greatest Hits – Volume 3

Sean Carswell ...... A Monkey to Ride the Dog ...... pg. 4 Art ...... Shizzville!! ...... pg. 7 Rev. Nørb ...... Love, Nørb ...... pg. 8 The Rhythm Chicken ...... The Dinghole Reports ...... pg. 12 Maddy ...... Shiftless When Idle...... pg. 16 Rich Mackin ...... The Twisted Balloon ...... pg. 18 Nardwuar The Human Serviette ..... Who Are You? ...... pg. 22 Gary Hornberger ...... Squeeze My Horn ...... pg. 28 Designated Dale ...... I’m Against It ...... pg. 32 Tito ...... Nom De Plume ...... pg. 36 Ayn Imperato...... 90803 ...... pg. 38 Patricia Geary ...... Don’t Hold Your Breath ...... pg. 40 Money ...... Lazy Mick ...... pg. 42 Ben Snakepit ...... Snakepit ...... pg. 47 ***** The Immortal Lee County Killers II.... Interview by Bradley Williams .... pg. 48 Grabass Charlestons ...... Interview by Todd Taylor ...... pg. 54 Red Onions ...... Interview by Petite Paquet ...... pg. 62 AntiSeen ...... Interview by Art Ettinger ...... pg. 66 Wesley Willis ...... Remembrance by Scott “Biscuithead” Cox-Stanton .... pg. 72 Dan Monick Photo Page ...... Dead Soldiers Litter the Battlefield ...... pg. 77 ***** Record Reviews ...... I'm Not Sure If It's a Joke Or Not, but I Know I'm Not Listening to It Twice ...... pg. 78 Zine Reviews ... A Loose Wad of Half-Chewed Tarantula Parts ...... pg. 104 Book Reviews .. Over 100,000 People Were Killed in Less Than 24 Hours ... pg. 110 Video Reviews .. Music Videos Need "Plot" Like Porno Movies Need "Plot" ... pg. 112

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SEAN CARSWELL

...she came out on stage wearing a skin-tight silver dress, looking very ladylike. Then, she picked up her and started blowing. The crowd went crazy.

My Mom the liked a song and he played it, you in the typical teenage uniform of we could also see the different acts Rock’n’Roller knew it would be a hit. He was one the time. We all wore jeans and sad- coming in. We didn’t know who of the first white DJs to play music dle shoes and cardigan sweaters was who. We knew their music, but (Sean’s note: My mom used to go to by black musicians. He didn’t seem that we wore backwards. Cathy’s we’d never seen any of the musi- all of the Alan Freed rock and roll to care what color you were, as cousin also wore a scarf. Her uncle, cians. We didn’t know what they shows back in the mid to late fifties, long as the music was good. He though, looked like the typical, lit- looked like. There was a group of and when I was growing up, she was also one of the first DJs – black tle Italian man you used to see girls behind us, though, who had would tell me stories about them. or white – to play guys like Little around in the fifties. He been to these shows before and I’ve always thought that they were Richard, Fats Domino, and Chuck wore a suit even though it was knew who everyone was. We’d be great stories, so I got my mom to Berry on the radio. Remember, this Saturday, and he had a copy of the standing there and one of the girls tell me about going to her very first was before record companies made Daily News tucked under his arm. would say, “There’s The show. I did a bit of research to fill in cheap forty-fives. The only records He nodded to us and steered us onto Flamingos,” and everyone would the details that she couldn’t remem- were the big seventy-eights, and the subway. As soon as we got on be talking at once, trying to get the ber, and I wrote out this story from they were expensive. We never had the train, he opened up his Daily attention of one of the guys in the her perspective [so as you’re read- enough money to buy records, and News and started reading. He didn’t band. The band members would ing, the “I” in the story is not me. even if we had had the money, my say a word to us. smile and wave and sometimes stop It’s my mom. I was never a thirteen family didn’t have a record player. We got off at our stop and to sign an autograph or two. You year-old girl]. For all of us who So the only way I could listen to walked up to the could tell the performers loved all still go to rock’n’roll shows, here’s rock and roll was when Alan Paramount. We were more than an the attention. They were just kids a an account of what it was like fifty Freed’s show was on the radio. And hour early, and a line had already few years older than us, and this years ago, when rock’n’roll was I listened to it all the time. I learned formed outside the Paramount. We was their way off of whatever street just a baby.) to dance while listening to his show got in line. Cathy, her cousin, and I they were from. in my bedroom. were so excited that we couldn’t With all the activity, the wait in Cathy Lobasso’s uncle agreed In late 1954, he started promot- stop talking about the acts we were line didn’t seem too long, and, at to take us all to the show. I was so ing rock and roll shows at the going to see and all. Cathy’s uncle one o’clock, opened. You excited. My father would ordinarily Brooklyn Paramount. He’d book just pulled the Daily News out from couldn’t buy tickets ahead of time. never let me go. I think it was ten or twelve acts to perform over under his arm again and stood there It was all first come, first serve. It because I was the only girl in a the course of about an hour and a reading it. was the same way with the seats. family of three boys. My brothers half. There was a house band that As more people got in line You could just take whatever seat could do whatever they wanted, but would play the music for all the behind us, more activity started to you wanted, so we raced up front. whenever I asked my father if I acts, because the show was mostly build around the Paramount. A lot We wanted to be as close to the could do something, his automatic doo-wop bands. They could sing of the singers in the rock and roll stage as possible. We ended up sit- answer was, “No.” and dance, but they didn’t play any shows were guys and girls who’d ting in the third or fourth row from This was different, though. instruments. Sometimes there were started by singing on the street cor- the stage. The seats would be great Cathy and I could take the bus to musicians like Jerry Lee Lewis and ners, and who were discovered for the show, but not so great for the the Railroad, like we’d Chuck Berry who played the there. That’s how Dion and The movie. You see, before the rock and done a hundred times before, and or , but even they needed the Belmonts – the guys who did roll show started, they’d always her uncle would meet us at the house band to round out their sound “Little Runaway” and “The show a full-length movie. Jamaica station and take us the rest with drums and and all. Wanderer” – got discovered. They Because they charged so little of the way to the Brooklyn Each act would do one song, and, at used to stand on a corner on to get in and they had to pay all the Paramount, where we’d see our the end of the show, a feature act – Belmont Avenue in the Bronx, performers, they didn’t spend any first Alan Freed rock and roll show. whichever act had more than one making up songs, and a record money getting a good movie. They Since we’d know where we were hit – would play two or three songs. company guy heard them there and always showed the worst movies in going and we had adult supervi- The shows always sold out. signed them to a record contract. It the world. I remember this one had sion, my father couldn’t say no. Everyone at my high school went to seemed like every corner in the something to do with giant He did say no, of course. My them, and they always talked about Boroughs had five guys standing grasshoppers taking over the world. father hated rock and roll. He how much fun they were. So when there, singing doo-wop songs in No one watched the movie. always used to tell me, “That god- Cathy’s uncle said he’d take us, I those days. All of those doo-wop Everyone in the place seemed to be SEAN CARSWELL damn music will never last.” He couldn’t wait. I talked to my mom guys dreamed of being discovered, talking. Everyone except Cathy’s would only let me listen to it in my about it. I told her how much I of having one hit song and playing uncle, who fell asleep as soon as room, with the door closed. But wanted to go and she told me, “You the rock and roll shows. So differ- the lights went down. almost every night after dinner, I’d can go. I’ll talk your dad into it.” ent groups of doo-woppers hung We talked all through the go into my bedroom and tune in out outside the Paramount, singing movie. We were so excited; we Alan Freed’s rock and roll radio Cathy and I met her uncle and songs for everyone in line, hoping couldn’t wait for the bands to start. show on WINS New York. Alan her cousin at the Jamaica station. Alan Freed or someone would dis- I’d like to say that we ignored the Freed was the best. He had a good Her cousin was our age – thirteen cover them. movie, but when you’re in the third or fourteen – and she was dressed While we were standing there, row and these giant grasshoppers 4 ear for music. If he keep hopping around on the screen right in front of you, you can’t real- ly ignore it. It was awful.

Finally, the movie ended. The spotlight turned onto the stage and Alan Freed walked out to the microphone. He was a sharp guy. He wore a plaid blazer and slacks and a black bow tie and parted his hair to the side with a little bit of pomade. There was nothing too flashy or loud about it. He was just a really gung ho guy. He loved the music. He was excited about it, and he wanted everyone else to be as excited as he was. And it wasn’t that he didn’t have an ego. He had a big ego. It was his rock and roll show, after all. These performers were where they were because of him. It was his radio show that everyone listened to. It was his pro- motion that brought everyone here. He was even the first guy to use the term “rock and roll” to describe music (before that, “rock and roll” was ghetto slang for sex). But Alan Freed knew all of this and everyone knew it, so he didn’t have to play it up. He just introduced the acts, said really flattering things about them, and let the performers do their thing. The first act on that night was The Penguins. They’d just had a hit with the song, “Earth Angel.” As soon as their song started, the crowd went nuts. Cathy, her cousin, and I all jumped up from our seats and started screaming. It seemed like everyone did. We couldn’t real- ly dance much. We had to stay in front of our seats. There were ush- ers who walked up and down the aisles, making sure that everyone stayed in line. They wouldn’t let you dance in the aisles, and they didn’t even like it when you got up from your seat. So all the kids would stand in front of their seats, jumping and screaming and singing along to “Earth Angel.” In the meantime, Cathy’s uncle just sat there, reading his Daily News. The Penguins did all their synchronized playing truck driver. She was one before Alan Freed started pushing kids were listening to black music. dance moves and sang their song, of Alan Freed’s favorites. He rock and roll, he did the But we never thought about it that then left the stage. booked her at a bunch of his rock “Moondog” radio show, which was way. It wasn’t black music or white SEAN CARSWELL Alan Freed came out and intro- and roll shows. And she really had all rhythm and blues, and before his music. It was just rock and roll. duced the next band. It was The been a truck driver. Before she’d rock and roll shows, he put on R&B When I was a kid growing up in Nutmegs. I don’t remember what been discovered as a musician, she shows with guys like Muddy Long Island, race wasn’t a big The Nutmegs’ big hit was at the drove a laundry truck in Allentown, Waters. Most of the musicians in issue. At least I don’t remember it time. I think it was “.” . That night, though, his house band were holdovers being a big issue. I have a friend I remember The Nutmegs, though, she came out on stage wearing a from the Moondog days. named Ida Miller. She’s my age and because they all dressed in match- skin-tight silver dress, looking very I don’t remember the race of she lived in New York when she ing gold lamé suits. I guess because ladylike. Then, she picked up her the musicians being a big deal, was a teenager. When her family they thought it looked like the trombone and started blowing. The though. A lot of the press made it first moved to New York, Ida didn’t spice, nutmeg. I don’t know. They crowd went crazy. We all loved her. out to be a big deal. They wrote know one neighborhood from the had the synchronized dance moves, She sang her big hit, “I Want You to about rock and roll as if it were the other. She heard that Little Richard too. All of the doo-wop bands did. Be My Baby.” end of civilization. Life magazine was playing at the Apollo, and she It was the cool thing to do at the About ten different acts came ran a big article that talked about wanted to see him, so Ida and her time. on stage in a row. They all did one the “frenzy” and “juvenile delin- sister took the subway to Harlem to All of the performers weren’t song apiece. With the exception of quency” of this new form of music. watch Little Richard play. They doo-wop, though. We also saw Lillian Briggs, almost all of the per- The worst thing, according to Life were the only two white girls in the Lillian Briggs that night. Alan formers were black. Even the house and the rest of the reporters writing Apollo that day, but no one hassled Freed called her the trombone- band was mostly black, because about it, was that all these white them. 5 When we went to the shows in and roll than R&B. He came out a stick, singing “I Put a Spell on their songs. It was called “payola.” Brooklyn, the crowd was pretty and belted through two or three of You.” I saw The Platters sing “Only The majors urged Congress to well mixed, ethnically speaking, his hits at the time: “Blueberry You” and “The Great Pretender.” I investigate the practice of payola. too. It was Brooklyn, after all. You Hill” or “Ain’t That a Shame” or saw Little Richard stomp on the Congress focused their investiga- get all kinds there. I never gave it a “I’m in Love Again.” When he was piano and sing, “Good golly, Miss tion on two famous DJs: Dick thought. done, Alan Freed came back out, Molly, she sure like to ball.” I had Clark and Alan Freed. This was in Race was a big deal in other thanked everyone for coming, and no idea what he was talking about 1960. I don’t know if either of them places, though. In the fifties, there that was it. Including the hour and until I was much older, but I sang had done anything, but WINS fired were “white” radio stations and a half movie before the show, the along, anyway. (I also found out Alan Freed when the investigation “black” radio stations in the South. whole thing only lasted about three much later that the original words started. It pretty much killed his The “white” radio stations would- hours. to “Tutti Fruitti” were “Tutti career. He tried to get back on the

He was even the first guy to use the term “rock and roll” to describe music (before that, “rock and roll” was ghetto slang for sex). But Alan Freed knew all of this and everyone knew it, so he didn’t have to play it up.

n’t play any of the hits by the radio a few times, but nothing famous black stars like Little worked. He basically drank himself Richard or Fats Domino, even to death by 1965. Nothing ended up though those guys were from the happening to Dick Clark, though. South. Instead, white musicians He kept doing American like Pat Boone and The Diamonds Bandstand. would listen to the radio in the No one could replace Alan northeast, and, as soon as a song Freed after that. A few DJs tried to became a hit, Pat Boone or The fill his shoes, but it wasn’t the Diamonds or someone like them same. There was something about would go into the studio and record him and his shows. He was so gung the song. So the white stations ho, and there was just this sense of wouldn’t play Little Richard’s ver- everything being fresh and new. sion of “Tutti Fruitti,” but Pat A bunch of those old perform- Boone had a big hit with his ver- ers are dead now. A lot of them got sion of the same song. famous and suddenly had a lot of The white versions of the songs money when they were used to usually weren’t as good. The differ- having nothing, and they killed ence was really obvious if you lis- themselves with drugs and wild liv- tened to the radio show that came ing. A lot of them had one hit and on after Alan Freed’s, Jocko and went back to being nobody again. His Rocket Ship. Jocko was a black A few of these old acts still per- DJ, and he played really soulful form. I’ve seen some of their music, like Sam Cooke songs and reunion shows on TV. It’s funny to Ray Charles songs. For a while, he The house lights came on. Fruitti, good booty,” but the studio see these seventy-year-old guys always played a song called Cathy’s uncle folded up his news- made Little Richard change “good singing songs about teenage love, “Hearts of Stone” by a black group paper, stuck it back under his arm, booty” to “aw, rootti” when he was but I still love those songs. I think called The Charms. When you and stood to leave. The ushers were recording it.) it’s funny, too, that, fifty years ago, heard The Charms do “Hearts of quick to clear everyone out. As we I saw the Big Bopper before he my father told me that rock and roll Stone,” it was a really low down left, we saw another line stretching got into that plane with Buddy would never last, and it’s still song with a kind of “bop-bop- down the side of the Paramount and Holly and Ritchie Valens. I saw around now. boom” bass to it. After “Hearts of around the corner. It was full of Sam Cooke before he had a one- Music has always been like Stone” became a hit, a white, teenagers waiting to see the day’s night stand with a woman who that, though. One generation never female group called the Fontane four o’clock show. robbed him, and he got shot and seems to understand the music of Sisters covered it, and they took the We walked back to the subway, killed trying to run her down. I saw the generation that comes after low down song and sang it like a and Cathy’s uncle and cousin rode The Shirelles sing, “Will You Still them. Parents rarely understand bunch of perky cheerleaders. Their with us all the way to the Jamaica Love Me Tomorrow?” I saw Dion their kids’ music. They never think version was really white bread. It station. When we got off, we and The Belmonts sing “Little it will last, when really, it’s not that was a different thing altogether. thanked Cathy’s uncle for taking Runaway” and Little Anthony and different. It’s just the next step in a Anyway, getting back to the us. He said, “You’re welcome.” I the Imperials sing “Tears on My long musical progression. show, Cathy, her cousin, and I got think it was the only thing he’d said Pillow.” I saw Frankie Lymon and When I think about this, I to see The Penguins, The Nutmegs, all day. The Teenagers before Frankie always think about Cathy The Flamingos, Lillian Briggs, and Lymon’s voice changed and he Lobasso’s uncle, because he didn’t about a half dozen more acts all do Over the next few years, I went could no longer hit the high notes care about rock and roll at all. He SEAN CARSWELL one song each. During the whole to something like twenty to twenty- that made him famous. To tell the just read his paper through the show, the energy in the Paramount five different Alan Freed rock and truth, I can’t remember who else I whole thing, through all my was incredible. Everyone was roll shows at the Brooklyn saw play, but the shows were favorite bands and all the songs that screaming and jumping around, but Paramount and the New York always different and they were are the soundtrack to my genera- staying in front of their seats. Paramount (after the Brooklyn one always fun. tion. It was like he wasn’t even Cathy’s uncle kept reading his was torn down). I saw a whole After high school, I moved to there. He tuned the whole thing out Daily News. At the end of the show, bunch of the big, rock and roll pio- upstate New York to go to college. because the three of us wanted to Alan Freed came out and intro- neers. I saw Chuck Berry do his During my first year there, a few of go, and he knew that we could only duced one of his all-time favorites, duck-strut across the stage. He was the major record companies insist- go if he took us. He was a good Fats Domino. Fats Domino had amazing, and he was a feature act, ed that songs by independent sport. Without him, I may have been doing Alan Freed shows since so I got to see a few of his songs. I record companies were becoming never made it to any of those rock Alan Freed was still the Moondog, saw Screamin’ Jay Hawkins jump hits only because the independent and roll shows. but Fats Domino was more rock around, waving a shrunken head on companies were paying DJs to play –Sean Carswell

I LOVE, N0RBI ø N0RB . REV

NEEDLESS TO SAY, A 364-POUND BLACK MALE SCREAMING OBSCENITIES AT THE VOICES IN HIS HEAD IN PUBLIC PLACES IS GENERALLY FERTILE GROUNDS FOR MISINTERPRETATION. I have terrible news for the world: I may have as the kind of place where facial hair and hiking said, either that or the cement. Again, i’m not been the last known humanoid to sing karaoke to boots were continually in vogue, and, hell, that’s sure, as i’ve never been there, though i can say a Sheb Wooley song whilst the redoubtable Sheb just for the wimmenfolk. My gut feeling is that that i’ve always really fucking loathed Bill was still among the living. But wait! It gets the underground creative types always tend to Walton (Dear Bill: Fred Gwynne called. He worse! Okay, granted, it doesn’t get any worse if gravitate to where the good cement is, and, i wants his act back), and i never rooted for the you’re Sheb Wooley; for the non-Sheb demo- mean, if one can’t score quality cement in Lakers one day in my life (having nothing to do graphic, however, as the butcher told the young Portland, where might one be expected to score with the Lakers’ aggravating combination of German housewife, the würst is yet to glitz and success and everything to do come. How much worse, Rev. Nørb? with my Bucks’ Kareem Abdul- Well, i dunno: How much time ya got? Jabbar v. the Lakers’ Wilt How much time (TIME!) ya got tick- Chamberlain being the marquee NBA tick-tickin’ in your head? Has time matchup when i was a five year-old) come today? Can you give me any- until the Portland Trail Blazers pulled thing but time? Is time on your side? that “Hack-a-Shaq” shit in the 1998 (i Etc.? Well, first off (or are we already think?) Western Conference Finals, at on “next off?”), i finally got some which point in time i prayed to the decent hate mail (well, “hate e-mail” golden calf of Baal (one thing you is actually the more technically cor- gotta say about Baal... he got his ass rect term, but, you know, as long as kicked by God a few times... but the the hate is there, i’m happy), so bloat- guy was a true Baaler) that Shaq ed and juicy with comedic rebuttal would perform a two-handed reverse potential that i spent the last two dunk on (Portland coach Mike) months or so dancing in place with Dunleavy, and leave him hanging mischievous glee a la Dave Roller, upside down in the hoop that the just waiting for the chance to STRIKE ospreys who will certainly one day – to merrily sever the metaphorical make feast of his liver get a head start head of the plaintiff with a rusty waf- right then and there. But soft! What fle iron and display it on a pike to light over yonder window breaks??? amuse friends, scare off enemies, and Do i seem... say... BITTER in some vex the overly front-yard-conscious wise regarding Portland in general, neighbors – and then i fuckin’ go and and Nike™ in specific? And, whyso- ACCIDENTALLY DELETE ALL ever would an even-keeled gent like MY E-MAILS, including the offend- WES AFTER RECENT BOXCUTTER-INDUCED myself wield such a burden of ing gripe in question, WHICH, i have HELLRIDE, 1992 grumpitude? Could it possibly be that, no doubt, WOULD HAVE SURELY say, oh, i don’t know, i, at one point in SERVED TO RESUSCITATE MY FLAGGING it? (for those scoring at home, “portland cement” time, owned 10,149 shares of Converse™ CAREER AS THE PUNK ROCK EQUIVA- is a hydraulic cement made by finely pulverizing stock? And that Nike™ bought out Converse™ LENT OF TRIUMPH, THE COMIC INSULT the clinker produced by calcining to incipient this year??? And that, mais naturellement, i’m I DOG, thereby DELIVERING PLANET EARF fusion a mixture of clay and limestone or similar thinkin’ “YEAH, BAYBEE! MY FAITH IN UNTO A NEW GOLDEN AGE OF MERRY materials) Of course, the real reason is, most THE VERITABLE SOLE OF THE SCENE

N0RB BILE AND CONTENTIOUSNESS, with likely, that Asian slave labor (must... resist... HAS FINALLY PAID OFF! BABY I’M A RICH

. myself as the highly-regarded and well-compen- joke... must... resist... joke...) affords multi- MAN! BABY I’M A RICH MAN! BABY I’M A sated point guard, o’ course. As a result, i (and, national corporations like Nike™ enough extra RICH FAG JEW!” (er, delete the untoward by implication, you) am left with only the fol- jack that some of it is bound to eventually trick- Beatles reference there if you see fit), only to

REV lowing single (analog) letter – carried for le back down into the communities where find that i actually DON’T own the 10,149 months in my back pocket, and molded by sweat they’re headquartered; money, like drugs, is the shares of Converse™ i own, because and heat to the form of my highly analog but- type of thing where if you got enough of it Converse™ had declared bankruptcy, then tocks – to base a column around this issue: bouncing around your community, you’re gonna “reorganized,” THEN was purchased by “Dear Rev. Nørb: What do you think explains wind up getting your hands on enough of it to Nike™? Like, my 10,149 shares of the CHUCK the large number of Portland (OR) based comic get by – so, ultimately, the reason why one’d TAYLOR WORLD EMPIRE were somehow artists, zine & misc. indy media types?” This assume that marginalized aesthetic types cluster rendered completely NULL AND VOID for fiery screed comes to us from a Mr. NAK of around Portland – if, indeed, not for the cement JUST LONG ENOUGH that Nike™ could Attica, NY, who also identifies himself as “Stir – is that Sri Lankan sweatshops bolster the swoosh in (har!) and take them and now i got Krazy Editor,” which raises more questions than area’s collective disposable income enough that NOTHING? Not to put too fine a point on it, but it answers. Well, S.K., the truth of the matter is ventures that would be flatly unprofitable in HOW EZZACTLY THE MOTHERFUCKING this: I’ve never-ever-ever in my long-legged life other areas of the country are actually able to FUCK DOES THAT SHIT FUCKING been to Portland, or anywhere in , for scrape by there. See? Just like Ronnie said! WORK??? Who the hell is in charge of making 8 that matter – it always struck me Trickle-down economics DOES work! Well, as i up these rules, Brad at Rhetoric? How does the company i own 10,149 shares of manage to that, as of about 10:33 PM CDT 1 October 2003 enced it – just as, i assume, having a parent or strike my 10,149 shares from the book, and A.D., the are likely the best band in the sibling die would be. These types of events tend THEN sell the company??? ALL THIS SHIT world (the qualifier “likely” does, in fact, indi- to yield pains with a pretty f’n long half-life; i WAS DEVISED SPECIFICALLY TO PISS ME cate a certain hedging of the bets, true: However, can’t even imagine what the surviving guy OFF, WASN’T IT??? But wait! But wait! My i compensate for this vacillation by stating, in no is/will be going through. For the rest of his life. black cat bone of contention protrudes even fur- uncertain terms, that as of about two Fridays See, i told you it got worse. Anyway, my take on ther thru the gaping wound! This “Holiday ago, Pink Reason from Green Bay WI are the the Exploding Hearts is this: I dunno, i Season™” (that means “Christmas,” but i’m not absolute worst band i’ve seen in my life, by a only listened to it once. Reason being that it sure if people are allowed to say “Christmas” long shot, without question, and i am kind of went “doon-doon-doon, da doon-doon, da-doon- any more), i found myself at an after-bar party old, so i’ve seen a lot of really horrible shit in da-doon-da” in not ONE but TWO different with some formerly-local twenty-year-old lass (i my day, so this should certainly stand up). The songs [don’t know the titles offhand – like i said, know, i know... a little old for me, but what the reasoning behind this is four-fold: 1. Their i only listened to the album once]. Why THIS hey, i’m desperate) and her similarly formerly- records are good; 2. Their live show is good; 3. has any bearing dates back to the first time i local twenty-year-old female roommate, and The underlying concept behind the band is good; heard the Strokes: Once upon a time, there was similarly formerly-local roommate is blathering 4. I forced a reclusive friend of mine to come out some late-night after-bar convocation at my ON and ON to me about the magnificence of and see them and not only did she love the band, friend/ex-bandmate Erik’s house. Eventually, a Portland, where the bot’ of ‘em now live: “Oh, she wound up having sex with me that night. female guest was able to finagle the Strokes Rev. Nørb, the TOLERANCE that is in THE MATH SAYS “PARTY ON!!!” WHICH, debut album onto the stereo [chicks are like that] upon the gilt-edged streets of my newfound OF COURSE, brings me back to the original [or so i hear]. I had never even heard o’ the band community! Humans of EVERY POSSIBLE thrust of my grumblins: On the selfsame night i before, but, apparently, some veritably sexual orientation, all milling about the avenues last saw the Epoxies (and formulated the thought DuChampian ready-made argument was already and thoroughfares as one, untrammeled by the that, hmmm, shit, i’m kinda getting somewhat a in place, whereby the hills were more or less small-town myopia that makes Green Bay such little bit sure that this is, in fact, the best band in alive with the sounds of drunken and impas- an unlivable pit of small-town yuck! All may the world), their immediate stage predecessors, sioned “THE STROKES ARE THE NEXT BIG exist in harmony, to pursue life, liberty, and the the Returnables (a fairly great band whose THING AND THEY RULE!” v. “THE orifice(s) of their choice, with nary a look Unrequited Hits CD was carelessly and erro- STROKES ARE THE NEXT BIG THING AND askance! Every shape! Every size! Every race, neously left off my Top Ten of 2002 list) (sorry, THEY SUCK!” discourse. Being an even-keeled color and creed! We exist as one, whipped to a operator error) played an Exploding Hearts Scientist, of course, i just sat on the sofa [futon, homogeneous slurry like Hostess™ Fruit Pie cover, presumably for the very reason of playing actually] and drank more and listened. For a filling by the depths of our divine TOLER- up the Portland connection without actually while, i just shrugged: Eh, i guess they’re doing ANCE! UNITY IN THE COMMUNITY, invoking cement or making out with girls seven- a halfway decent impersonation of VU era MOTHERFUCKER!!!” Approximately twenty teen years one’s junior or Asian slave labor or Velvet Underground [if such a thing even really minutes later, the same chick who was giving me the like (and, at this point in time, i assume you, exists], who the fuck even cares? Can i have the speech about the majesty of Portland’s “tol- the merry reader, are saying “by gosh, Rev. some more chips? But then...THEN! The erance” had her friend in the bath- Strokes veered into the one territo- room, reading her the riot act ry into which all Rock Propriety because she and i were making insists they Should Not Veer! out. It was great. I’m standing by They went “doon-doon-doon, da the door, jingling my car keys, doon-doon, da-doon-da-doon-da.” waiting for Girl A to emerge from I leapt to my feet. “I HATE THIS the bathroom, the door flies open, BAND!!! THIS BAND ARE A Girl A bursts out, Girl B yanks BUNCH OF FAGS, AND THEY Girl A back in the bathroom, SUCK!!! They go ‘doon-doon- yelling “GODDAMMIT, GIRL A, doon, da doon-doon, da-doon-da- HE’S THIRTY-SIX FUCKING doon-da,’ and i HATE ‘doon- YEARS OLD!!!”, the door slams doon-doon, da doon-doon, da- shut, more yelling, more jingling... doon-da-doon-da!!!’ FUUUUUU- it was all i could do to restrain UUUCCCCCCKKKKKK YOU- myself from kicking in the bath- UUUUUUUUU!!! [or words to room door, grabbing Girl B by the that effect!]” In any event, this led lapels, if such a thing even were to a 4 AM screaming match about present, and screaming “FUCK the validity of “doon-doon-doon, YOU, YA CUNT! I’M NOT da doon-doon, da-doon-da-doon-

THIRTY-SIX FUCKING YEARS da.” My feelings on “doon-doon- REV OLD!!! I’M THIRTY-SEVEN doon, da doon-doon, da-doon-da- FUCKING YEARS OLD!!! NOW doon-da” are that, like a penis, it’s

LET ME FUCK YOUR FRIEND fine if it goes where it’s supposed .

BEFORE I SEND YOU BACK NOTE BRUISE IN MIDDLE OF FOREHEAD to go – which would be in vague- N0RB TO PORTLAND IN A GOD- ly catchy/aggravating faux-soul I DAMN CEMENT MIXER!!!” ...i FROM LIFETIME OF BUPPING HAIDS AM radio hits like “You Can’t mean, if a were a forty-year-old Hurry Love” and “Walking on black guy who liked wearing bras and giving Nørb, we have yet to hear you utter comment #1 Sunshine.” If, however, “doon-doon-doon, da blowjobs to seventy-year-old white colostomy regarding the Exploding Hearts. Please slake our doon-doon, da-doon-da-doon-da” winds up in a patients, HEY, SURE, NO PROBLEM! PORT- thirst for eternal knowledge regarding your feel- more, say, ROCK context – “It’s Not My Place” LAND WELCOMES YOU! But a perfectly nor- ings on this tragedy-wraught ensemble, remem- by the , “A Town Called Malice” by the mal thirty-seven-year-old weird caucasian dude bering all the while, of course, that there is NO Jam, “Touch Me” [ugh] by the Doors – it is as who’s caught the fancy of your twenty-year-old FOOD NOR DRINK allowed in the library,” to unwelcome as a fully erect penis ravaging one’s roommate? WHEEEET!!! WHEEEET!!! which i can only respond: “um, i’m not sure.” anal tract unbidden would be. I mean, “doon- EVERYBODY OUT OF THE POOL!!! A First things first, however: Very real sympathies doon-doon, da doon-doon, da-doon-da-doon-da” GROSS ABOMINATION OF THIS NATURE to the family and friends of the members killed is, to me, the first last refuge of the aesthetically CANNOT BE COUNTENANCED!!! Needless in the crash. Further, i offer up whatever inade- bankrupt [the aesthetically bankrupt generally to say, the fact that i view Portland as a scurvy quate sympathies i can give to the surviving have more than one last refuge; how they are swab-pit full of stock-swiping slave-mongers member of the band. I’ve had two bandmates die able to pull off such a dazzling musical feat is and cock-blocking wenches can not help but in car crashes over the course of my rock’n’roll unknown to this correspondent]; the tell-tale addle my general perceptions of the community lifespan, and it’s not the kind of thing one can Mark O’ Cain of the musical scoundrel; the in a negative sense; mitigating this is the fact fully articulate to anyone who hasn’t experi- white flag hoisted on the fifth or 9 sixth album by a band whose initial impetus has by Simon & Garfunkel, and if you think i speak plus-keyboard-accompaniment compact dis- run the fuck right on outta gas. The presence of this in jest, listen to the fucking thing once]). cusses, of which the Wes-meister released, i “doon-doon-doon, da doon-doon, da-doon-da- Now, how this relates to you, Al Franken, is believe, in excess of fifty (okay, quick: How doon-da” on the Strokes first album, to me, this: The same week that the Returnables – a many of you have the first Wesley Willis CD? If indicated that the band did, in fact, blow dog, band – gave rightful props to the more than one of you raised your hand, thou art and should fuck right the fuck on off. In point of Exploding Hearts was the week that the leg- in grave error: Wesley’s first CD was a CD-R, fact, my entire argument against the Strokes that endary Wesley Willis died of leukemia (at age made back in the day [like about twelve years night – and every night, and any night – was, 40, mind you. I dunno. Whenever i know an ago or something] when having a CD-R burned cleanly and simply, predicated on the fact that adult who gets stricken by leukemia, i really was a pricey rarity... Wes went into some studio they did “doon-doon-doon, da doon-doon, da- hafta stifle an urge to quip “Leukemia? Aren’t or another, paid $400? $700? $1000? and came doon-da-doon-da,” and i HATE “doon-doon- you a little OLD for that shit?” [hard to milk out with That Which We Would Now Call A doon, da doon-doon, da-doon-da-doon-da,” any humor out of that, since everyone i knew CD-R. A while later, Wes found himself in need save for special circumstances men- of a bit of cash, so he went down to tioned earlier. The end. Case closed. the local prerecorded musical enter- Pencils in the trays. WELL! Some tainment emporium, and told the guy time later, i acquire and plop the behind the counter that he had a CD Exploding Hearts album on my he’d like to sell to the store. His ask- turntable, and it’s fucking GREAT. ing price, of course, was merely That Or so i think. Until i hear the sound Which He Had Paid for the CD ini- that freezes the lymph in my tially – yep, $400 or $700 or $1000 unapologetically Burroughsian or whatever. The guy behind the nodes: “DOON-DOON-DOON, DA counter offered Wes four dollars. He DOON-DOON, DA-DOON-DA- took it. Good luck huntin’ that one DOON-DA.” I am paralyzed. down)? Regardless! Since, in my “DOON-DOON-DOON, DA infinite brilliance, i have deleted my DOON-DOON, DA-DOON-DA- e-mails – and since i am virtually DOON-DA” is, was, and has always incapacitated on cold medication been the sure sign of the poseur, the right now (i can’t help it. The mucus- spiritual leper – and here said buga- based alien behind my sinuses is boo is, manifesting itself in the threatening to shatter my left orbital unseemly temple of what had bone even as we speak! How can this appeared to be a top-notch album. small mind cope?) – i have decided SO! I’m reeling with the various per- to fill up the rest of this column with plexities that surround such a discov- Incoherent Tales of Wesley (anyone ery, unsure what should be made of neither knowing nor caring who or the confounding presence of whom Wesley Willis is should likely “DOON-DOON-DOON, DA mosey on to the book reviews at this DOON-DOON, DA-DOON-DA- WESLEY ROCKING OUT WITH THE WESLEY juncture). SO, ANYWAY, the first i DOON-DA” in such an incongruous ever heard tell of Wesley Willis was setting – i mean, do i press charges? WILLIS FIASCO, CA. 1993 from my sometimes-drummer Ron. petition for a redress of grievances? Ron used to be in a band with this request a written apology? – when, IN A COM- who’s ever had it died]). Yep... my friend Erik guy Dale, who was a loftmate of Wesley’s, or PLETELY DIFFERENT SONG, i hear (op. cit.) and i had made plans earlier in the something. Ron and my other sometimes-band- “DOON-DOON-DOON, DA DOON-DOON, week to go visit Wesley the afternoon of the mate Erik had gone down to visit Dale one DA-DOON-DA-DOON-DA!” I’ve come Epoxies/Returnables show. Around 7 PM that weekend, and had videotaped much of the pro- Undun! I pull the record off the turntable. This Thursday, i informed my buddy Tom of said ceedings, which was mostly Wesley asking record is good – possibly even great – yet it plans to see Wesley that weekend. Two hours everyone who entered the loft if they were there exhibits a characteristic i find to be an immedi- later, Tom called me to say that Wesley was “to see the keyboard.” They kept on detailing ate disqualification over the course of my stud- dead. D’oh. But, i mean, fuck, that’s what kinda how crazy Wesley was, so, naturally, i asked if ies in the Scholarly Contemplation of All year it’s been: Bands lose 75% of their members this Wesley guy was as crazy as Walter, a mutu- Things Rocking. I decide mull over That in van crashes, Johnny Cash and John Ritter al friend who essentially set the standard for Which I Have Heard, and play the record again croak simultaneously, my grandma dies one legitimate mental unwellness amongst people some time in the future, when my objective month and my uncle the next, the kid i babysit we knew. Ron and Erik said the unthinkable: judgment is not quite so clouded by the upper- for’s two-year-old cousin falls down the stairs, Wesley is CRAZIER than Walter. WAY crazier. level Chinese Calculus of “DOON-DOON- gets brain damage, and dies two days later – Didn’t believe it for a minute. I mean, Walter DOON, DA DOON-DOON, DA-DOON-DA- heck, let’s not even bring Sheb Wooley into the was a pretty tough act to follow, insanity-wise: DOON-DA.” Whilst i am in the process of so mix right now, we have more than adequate He was the kind of guy who would walk around I processing the initial troubling data, i get word misery to sustain us. ANYWAY! Let us Sing a your apartment in his underwear babbling about

N0RB that three-fourths of the band have been killed Song of Wesley here. You either know who the Turtles or something with his polo shirt on

. in a van crash. So NOW what do i do? Wesley is, or ya don’t. Wesley was a six-foot- backwards and the upturned collar covering his Obviously, in light of current events, there is no who-knows-how-tall, 364-pound schizophrenic mouth, having no inkling whatsoever that his way to be legitimately objective about the autistic street artist and rock star from the shirt was on backwards and he was following

REV record any more; i couldn’t even come to terms Chicago housing projects. Perhaps you’ve met you around in his dirty underwear, to say noth- with it when the entire band was alive. What if him? To jog your memory, he would be the ing of grasping the apparently complex concept i play it again, and decide the band can get humongous guy in the ill-fitting Goodwill™ that many consider it bad form to roam around posthumously fucked because they go “DOON- suitcoat whom, upon making your initial the house of an acquaintance babbling oblivi- DOON-DOON, DA DOON-DOON, DA- acquaintance, robotically extended his hulking ously in such a fashion. I thought Erik and Ron DOON-DA-DOON-DA?” I mean, thinking paw your way, informed you that he was were exaggerating Wesley’s craziness for effect. such a thing is hardly called for, given the cir- Wesley Willis from Sha-Cawgo Illinois, and They were not. The first time i actually met cumstances. So what the fuck? What should i then either asked you if you were interested in Wesley, he was sitting in Ron’s yard, working do? Play it again? Sam? Let it sit in front of my buying one of his “compact discusses” or to on one of his six trillion spiral-bound notebooks stereo untouched for the next thirty years or so? bump his head. COME ON!!! BU’P MAH of song lyrics (this was right around the time of In a very short while, this album has become the HAID!!! KEEP THEM EYES LOOKIN’ AT “Casper the Homosexual Friendly Ghost,” most unnerving item in my fairly substantial ME!!! BU’P MAH HAID!!! Perhaps you saw which remains, to this day, my favorite Wesley record collection [edging out the amazingly him on MTV, heard him on the song). I offered a generic greeting, and asked if 10 creepy Save the Life of My Child Show, or are merely a connoisseur of one-man- Ron was home. Wesley responded by asking me what it meant to “vamp it up.” I attempted to FUCK UP, he was writing song after song after him to shut up? The time he kept asking Kim illustrate the concept, as i understood it, with an song after song and drawing ballpoint skyline Shattuck if her band was called “Da Mupps?” overabundance of phrases, examples, and ludi- after ballpoint skyline after ballpoint skyline And she kept saying “NO!!! IT’S THE crous pantomimes – after which Wesley, who after ballpoint skyline. I mean, i see ‘MUFFS!!!’”, completely un-grasping the situa- had not taken his eyes off me since he posed the being on the planet being so maniacally produc- tion? The time he didn’t show up for a gig open- question, followed up his initial question with, tive in the face of such multi-faceted adversity, ing for the Gaza Strippers, so i went home, got “Does it mean ‘to make new friends’?” What do you? And Wesley stories? I got your Wesley my keyboard, shoved a box under my shirt and can ya do? His definition made more sense than stories! How ‘bout the time we were driving essentially played his set for him? The way mine, so i agreed with him, after which, i’m cer- down to some gig with Wesley in the passenger everyone would cluster around him, trying to tain, he asked me to bu’p his haid. Which i did. seat, and Ron, driving, goes “Hey Wesley! Can persuade him to write a song about this person or We were buds thereafter. This would be a good you adjust the rear view window for me?” and that, to which he would invariably respond “DO time for a paragraph, but i don’t believe in such Wesley goes “Yuh,” and immediately SNAPS ME A FAVUH... SHUTTHE (pause) UP!!!” The David Beckham Metrosexual fol-de-rol, so fuck THE REAR VIEW MIRROR OFF OF THE time he ate the entire eons-old box of King you. Anyway! One of the problems up Wesley’s VAN, tosses it out onto the interstate, and Vitamin™ cereal i couldn’t even persuade my cranium was that he had two demons – resumes doing whatever it was he was doing rabbit into eating? The time he was hanging out “Nervewrecker” and, i believe, “Homebreaker” before he was pestered with such a request? Or in the mall in Green Bay, and was mistaken for – yelling at him. A simple “Hi, Wes” might lead how ‘bout the time we were in the van, and a member of MC Hammer’s entourage? Don’t to a disoriented Wesley yelling “ARE YOU Wesley kept having to piss, so, finally, we even get me started on the “Can I have a REAL, OR ARE YOU A VOICE???” – which, to keep pulling over for him, and made banana?” story! I – or anybody who knew of course, almost anyone would instinctively him pee in a Sunny Delight™ bottle, and told Wesley – could go on for days (it’s not really the reply “I’m a voice! A disembodied voice! I exist him to throw it out the window – ‘cept that same without the vocal mannerisms – let the purely in the vale of your demented perceptions! Wesley didn’t bother to cap the bottle up before record show that the majority of ex-members of Et cetera!” to, so ya kinda hadda watch what you he tossed it, and we had the windows open? Boris The Sprinkler have incorporated various said around him. On occasion, Wes would have How ‘bout the time we were driving thru a black Wesleyisms into their speech patterns to some an “outburse,” where either Homebreaker or neighborhood Milwaukee with Wes, and he degree [and, in case you’re wondering, my Nervewrecker would be yelling at him to such started leaning out the window yelling “KILL name, in Wesley-speak, is “Rebrin Nø,” an extent that it was necessary for Wes to ver- WHITEY!!! KILL WHITEY!!!” for no real rea- although simply calling close personal associ- bally return fire. Needless to say, a 364-pound son other than the mood struck him? How ‘bout ates by both their first and last names will gen- black male screaming obscenities at erally work]). I think the main thrust the voices in his head in public places of my babbling is that there are plen- is generally fertile grounds for misin- ty of people who claim to be “pos- terpretation; the most grievous exam- sessed” by their creative impulses; ple of which was Wes’ ill-fated bus Wesley comes the closest to a literal trip where his verbal outburse v. his definition of that as anyone i can personal demons was interpreted by conceive of. BUT ANYWAY, MR. another passenger as threats, et al, to NAK, back to your original question, the extent where the other guy which i believe was about Sheb viciously slashed Wesley across the Wooley: Yes, i sang karaoke to face with a box cutter in reprisal (the “Purple People Eater” in the early “other guy” was the subject of the morning hours of August 30th, 2003; Wesley tune “He’s Doing Time in seventeen days later, Sheb Wooley Jail” – needless to say, said other was gone to his eternal purple-peo- guy’s name has been long since ple-eatin’ reward. If anyone knows deservedly forgotten, if anybody even of any individual who sang karaoke knew it to begin with). Wesley could, to a Sheb Wooley song in the interval on demand, on a good day, imitate following the wee hours of August both Nervewrecker and Homebreaker 30th but preceding Sheb’s death on – they both kinda sounded like Flip September 17th, speak now or forev- Wilson’s transvestite alter ego er cede the glory to me (and, if Geraldine – which, like everything you’re gonna challenge my claim, else in Wesley’s life, never seemed as i’m gonna need witnesses. Plenty horrific as it truly was simply by witnesses. I’ve got the Figgs and for- virtue of being blunted by Wesley’s mer Replacement/current gift of being CLASS FRICKING Guns’n’Roses-ite Tommy Stinson to CLOWN OF THE WORLD, forever back me up [and, for the record, and ever, Amen. If Wesley was able Tommy said my rendition of “Purple REV to take the bus from Point A to Point People Eater” was “GREAT!”, and B without his voices yelling at him, it expressed open admiration for my was defined as a “harmony joyride.” knowing where all the goofy breaks .

A “hellride” was just the opposite. were {why do i rock? On accounta N0RB Occasionally, you’d be standing in Tommy said so... Tommy said so... I line with him at a convenience store Tommy said so, so, so, so what}. Of or somewhere when he’d suddenly course, after some anonymous wag break into “SUCK MY MOTHER- punched in “Sweet Child O’ Mine,” i FUCKIN’ DICK! LICK A LLAMA’S WES AND STUNT DOUBLE had to defuse the mounting tension BOOTY HOLE!” whilst yelling at his by tackling that number as well, with voices; when one reminded him that he needed the time he stayed at my house, and asked if much less glorious results... but Pete Hayes of to mind his language, he’d apologize, and cough drops would make him fat? Then ate an the Figgs said to keep that quiet, because T.S. explain that the voices in his head just called him entire 30-count bag of my Halls™ Mentho-lyp- could get in trouble with A.R. over such mon- a “foul toad” and a “smiggeroo.” Then you tuses? The time he had soiled his garments, so i keyshines, should word reach him... so, needless could just say something like “Wesley, i assure dressed him in cast-off Nørb-wear, including to say, mum’s the word on my end]). In summa- you that you are neither a foul toad nor a green-and-gold Zubaz™ pants? The time i tion: Rock over London. Rock on, Chicago. smiggeroo,” and he’d be all right for a while – taught him the phrase “KICK OUT THE JAMS, WESLEY WILLIS: If he wasn’t dead, he’d the bottom line being that, all the while that the MOTHERS AND FUCKERS!!!”, and he kept be the ultimate survivor. guy was flailing around, screaming at his own screaming it at Wanda Chrome & The Leather –Love, Nørb head to DO HIM A FAVUH AND SHUT the Pharaohs all night while they screamed back at 11 THE DINGHOLE REPORTS

RHYTHM CHICKEN I made it to about five feet from the shore, pulled my lone white garment to my ankles, pointed my precarious poohole lakeward, and just let loose. The Dinghole Reports believe, began after I left town. quent helpers! I take it you guys managed to fix By the Rhythm Chicken Now, fast-forward about nine months. My your ham radio? (Commentary by Francis Funyuns) Hen and I are relaxing in our steel and cement [Edited by Dr. Sicnarf] post-commie apartment in Krakow, Poland. It’s [To tell the truth, Mr. Chicken, we’ve just been Friday night and we are listening to the BBC sitting in the Cactus Club for the last four WARNING: This issue’s Dinghole Reports con- World Network because it’s in English, and months. Then the Christreater serves us our last tains a Roy Rogers song and portions of the because it’s time for John Peel’s weekly show! drinks before he and the Mistreaters leave on Fleet Farm 2003 calendar! So it’s come to this. Well, he plays four or five songs by various their European tour. It then occurred to us that underground acts, and then announces a song by we should sober up enough to check in on our Dinghole Report #32: the American band the Mystery Girls called favorite Polish chicken. – Dr. S.] More Ruckus in the Ladies Room “Green Machine.” My Hen and I stare at each (Rhythm Chicken sighting #8675309) other in disbelief. The band sounds kinda bluesy (Yeah, we thought that if we’d leave you alone and swaggery, and quite electronic. I began to for a while you would create some more worth- Last autumn I was living in my northern entertain the possibility of there being another while ruckus to write about. Then we opened up Wisconsin woodshed when I received a phone band with the same name, until the song was the newest Razorcake and found out that we call from Timebomb Tom in Green Bay. He done. missed Mannertag! DAMN! I drained the Pabst wanted the Rhythm Chicken to supply some As the song faded John Peel comes back on off the radio, drank it, and here we are! – F.F.) audio ruckus for his upcoming Bob Log III the air and says, “Well, that was the Mystery show. I accepted the invitation You two can only blame and the next Sunday night my yourselves for missing Hen and I made our way down Mannertag. Then again, I don’t to Titletown, USA. The show think your livers could’ve han- was at 29 Steps, a second-story dled it! It even took me a few bar in Green Bay’s wild down- days to feel like a chicken town. We lugged the chickenkit again! So, tell me what’s been up all 29 and waited for the going on back home! Sunday night show to start. Being a Sunday night show, [Well, the saddest news by far is it started out rather ill-attended. that Johnny Cash has passed Ten or fifteen people showed up away. We played “Dirty ol’ early and Tom gave me the Egg-Suckin’ Dog” on the juke-

RHYTHM CHICKEN green light. I set up my stage in box for you, Mr. Chicken. We the ladies restroom with the also decided that your first tour door open. The two gentlemen after returning home will be in playing pool had to step aside so honor of the Man in Black. – the rest of the club could wit- Dr. S.] ness my restroom rock. I think I might’ve interrupted their game. Done. I unleashed my earth-scorching rock opera on the masses! My ruckus shook the Girls with their song ‘Green Machine.’ I wonder (Hey! So what’s been going on with you two in foundation and chaos flowed from the crapper! I if that has anything to do with the Green Bay Poland? There’s people here who think that hope no ladies had to go potty, because that Packers, a very popular American football team. you’re just hiding out in Pulaski somewhere. – restroom was IN USE! Being the first opening You see, their Trick Knee Records F.F.) act, I wanted to leave a little of the venue left for hails from Green Bay, Wisconsin. But, anyway, the rest of the acts to burn up, so I pinched off that was the Mystery Girls. Thanks for listening. Pulaski?!! No, but I really did get homesick my audio stampede (remember that word!) and Good-bye.” We sat there dumbfounded, staring when we missed this summer’s Pulaski Polka retired to the bar. There I was paid for my per- at our potato dumplings. I was soon on our Days. The only thing that made up for it was that formance, one tall cool bottle of Pabst! I felt like Russian-made rotary phone, dialing up fact that we are IN POLAND! That has to be a king. Timebomb Tom back in the States with the odd good enough! What have we been up to? First of Being a Sunday night and seeing as how my news. I guess I can fully expect to hear the all, WE WENT TO HEL! Yes, HEL! Honest Hen had to work up north the next morning, we Horshacks next week. Chicken, there’s a small Polish tourist trap on couldn’t stick around long. We did manage to the Baltic Sea named “Hel,” as in “H-E-single catch the first song by the next act, Green Bay’s –For the first time in months, the Chicken’s hockey stick”! We even walked out onto the Mystery Girls. I could be mistaken, but I think ham radio comes to life. – highway leading into town to sing a few chorus- they were attempting an “unplugged” set that es of “Highway to Hel.” Last week, I made my night, but then again my mind was on that tall [(Hello? Hey, Chicken! Hello?? Milwaukee first batch of “barszcz” (more commonly known cool bottle of Pabst and a quick chat with Mr. calling Rhythm Chicken! – F.F. & Dr. S.)] by its Russian name of borscht). Beets, where Log III. That was the extent of my exposure to have you been all my life? It made my poop 12 the Mystery Girls, a band that, I Well, well, well! If it isn’t my little delin- bleed! Then my mom and two elderly uncles from Wisconsin came to visit for sixteen days. Attempting to show my family around Krakow and Prague was more tiring than a Rhythm Chicken parade gig! Then I became acquainted with a Polish band named “Wiewiorczaki.” With a name that roughly translates to “the Squirrel Men,” I liked them from the start!

[It sounds like you’ve been busy, but if you can’t deliver any new ruckus reports I will have to do my own part! With your permission, Mr. Chicken, I would like to share with the readers my first Dunghole Report! – Dr. S.]

I already gave the kiddies a Dinghole Report just before you two decided to pull your heads out of the Cactus Club. I’ve still got plenty to cluck about, Doc! You see, earlier this week I had a revelation! I was hanging around our little sardine can home listening to the same Roy Rogers CD over and over until one song explod- ed out of the music box like a burning bush! My Holy Church of Ruckus felt the first pangs of a new entity threatening to burgle my thunder! Until now, I was so sure that ruckus was the Now, do you understand? Is STAMPEDE urgency of this need! I made it to about five feet grandest state of being, the holiest condition, the the new RUCKUS?!!! Can STAMPEDE and from the shore, pulled my lone white garment to supreme law of all lands. Then this song sang to RUCKUS share the throne? Is this a signal my ankles, pointed my precarious poohole lake- my liver and my liver knew there was a new warning of the forthcoming split in the Holy ward, and just let loose. Still not fully awake, I way. Ruckus is still the law, but behold the Church of Ruckus? Does this all not reek of almost fainted when the sonic blast shot my liq- newest form of revolt! The Son of Ruckus! Martin Luther? Or is STAMPEDE a golden uid feces out over the water. It was scary. The Decades before there was a band called Slayer, calf? This gets even scarier when I backtrack on eruption was so intense that I thought some of true evil was born in song. It sprung from, of all my Roy Rogers CD and on just two songs pre- my intestines were shot out with the doody. unlikely sources, Roy Rogers! The song… vious to “Stampede,” Roy sings, “How do I BLBLBLARSZTBLBLBLSHHHHHH!!!! I “STAMPEDE!” know? The Bible tells me so!” Sicnarf! You’re was one big spray-power painter, spraying the an educated man, tell me your thoughts on all moonlit lake brown. Let me share with you some of Roy’s Holy this! Pressure was relieved and I felt I could Scripture: straighten up and attempt to tidy up. I pulled off [Dunghole Report #1: the tighty-whiteys and used them as toilet-paper. Cold black clouds like funeral shrouds roll Sprayin’ Crap at the Party!] I was about to toss the browned whiteys aside RHYTHM CHICKEN down their icy threat It was about seven years ago and I was liv- when I became more aware of my setting. The And we faced a fight this raging night with the ing in the upstairs attic of a bait shop just ten bait shop was right in front of a harbor full of odds on the side of death For a stampeding herd with its panic stirred feet from Lake . That evening I must boat rental slips. I turned around to see a fancy is a thing for a cowboy to shun have consumed some strange fibrous materials yacht tied to the nearest dock, and there was a For no mortal man ever holds command when before the gallons of Pabst, and then crawled full-blown cocktail party out on the deck! I the cattle are on the run! into hibernation in just my tighty-whitey under- stood there naked, momentarily staring at the wear. At some point in my slumber, I was half- fifteen or twenty wealthy yachters. They were STAMPEDE! awoken by some urgent need of which I didn’t standing motionless, holding their martinis and quite understand yet. All I knew was that I HAD staring at me with horror in their eyes! In my The rising of the wind sends out its wail TO GET OUTSIDE AND I HAD TO GET mind, I tried to go through everything they just Driving cattle down an endless trail OUTSIDE IMMEDIATELY! Still half asleep, witnessed. I then stumbled back up to my bed Rolling thunder booms sending cattle to their and quite flustered from the growing anal pres- and pretended nothing ever happened. –Dr. S.] doom, STAMPEDE! sure, I stumbled down the stairs and flung open There’s lightning! There’s thunder! the outside door. Once outside, I became more (MWAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I can just see There’s wind and rain, STAMPEDE! aware of my need to excrete, and the immense the looks on those FIBs’ faces! – F.F.) –The Rhythm Chicken turns off his Polish ham radio and continues solo again. –

I can see that those two are taking all of this even less seriously than I am. I feel as if my “one-Dinghole-Report-per-column” quota has been met, so now I can just cluck on about a few more tidbits and scratch along. I will now make the smooth transition to Fleet Farm! In north- eastern Wisconsin we have these stores called Fleet Farm where men can go to shop man-style and stroll around the farmer’s hardware store that also sells Lee jeans and hunting gear. The rest of America has Menards, because Fleet Farm was Menards before Menards was Menards. Yeah, it’s the old school Menards. I think I was just a nine or ten-year-old chicklet the year I did ALL my Christmas shopping at Fleet Farm! Daddy sure made an early man outta me! (Note to self: try to get Fleet Farm to sponsor America’s first 13 Mannertag next summer.) Jun. 7 – Waite Park Spass Tag (fun days!), New Year’ Eve. However, they are closed on ANYWAYS, I found myself in Green Bay’s Waite Park, MN Easter Sunday and Christmas Day. You are told west-side Fleet Farm last December and Jun. 19 – Musky Festival, Hayward, WI of the exact days of Quantradids, Lyrids, ETA grabbed one of their free 2003 calendars, just in Juneteenth Day (????????) Aquarids, Delta Aquarids, Perseids, Draconids, case we didn’t get any for Christmas (which we July 12 – Beaver Dam Lake Days, Beaver Dam, Orionids, Taurids, Leonids, and Gemenids didn’t). Actually, I really prefer having a Fleet WI meteor showers! So whenever we get to won- Farm calendar in our cement Polish cubbyhole. July 15 – Wisconsin Farm Technology Days dering what’s REALLY going on back in the This whole year we have been kept up to date (formerly Farm Progress Days!) (no location States, all we got to do is glance at our trusty on all the really important dates in the Midwest! listed) Fleet Farm calendar. We are TRULY informed!

I don’t know how they decided on these days July 25 – Lumberjack World Championships, Drawing this column to yet another long- RHYTHM CHICKEN being important enough to be on their calendar, Hayward, WI desired close, I would like to share with you my or why they didn’t include Pulaski Polka Days Aug. 5 – Crow Wing County Fair, Brainerd, newest favorite Polish discovery. Just when I or the Kewaunee Trout Festival. Just to give MN thought the Polish language couldn’t get any you all a better idea as to what us Aug. 10 – Musky Jamboree, Boulder Junction, more difficult, I was taught a Polish tongue- Midwesterners celebrate, I thought I’d twister! W Szczebrzeszynie chrzaszcz share with you some of our shining brzmi w trzcinie! Yes, that’s really a sen- moments, and yes they make me home- tence! If you don’t believe me, just ask sick. Even though some of these are out- My ruckus shook the foundation and chaos Wojtek in Plock! And finally, I believe I side of Wisconsin’s borders, they could flowed from the crapper! left you in terrible suspense at the tail still be included under the umbrella of end of my last column. Answering my Wisconsinism. first ever joke I conjured up in kinder- WI garten, why DID the birds have a seance? A: To My Favorite Highlights of the Fleet Farm 2003 Aug. 15 – Northeast Wisconsin Antique Power pee in the nest! Well, it was funny in kinder- Calendar: Association Thresheree Horse and Tractor Pull, garten. Maybe I should eat some more beans Sturgeon Bay, WI and meet you in Grandma’s bedroom. Tune in Jan. 18 – Brainerd Jaycees Ice Fishing Aug. 16 – Boyceville Cucumber Fest, nest time for more RUCKUS vs. STAMPEDE Extravaganza, Gull Lake, Brainerd, MN Boyceville, MN hooshwash! Jan. 29 – Legend Fest 2003 (Formerly Winter Aug. 22 – Barnesville Potato Days, Barnesville, Today’s Dinghole Reports have been Dance Party), Clear Lake, IA MN brought to you by the Fleet Farm, and the letter Feb. 2 – Otter Street Fisheree, Oshkosh, WI Sep. 20 – 16th Annual Hodag Muskie E. Morda w kubel, I nie bulgotac! Feb. 7 – Hudson Hot Air Affair, Hudson, WI Challenge, Rhinelander, WI –The Rhythm Chicken May 18 – Pigeon River Street Days, Sep. 26 – Oktoberfest, La Crosse, WI Clintonville, WI Sep. 27 – Octoberfest, Appleton, WI [email protected] May 25 – Ole Oppe Festival, Alexandria, MN www.rhythmchicken.com Race Into Summer Beaver Dam, Swan City The calendar also informs you of Fleet Park, Beaver Dam, WI Farm being open on New Year’s Day, Memorial Jun. 6 – Walleye Weekend, Fond du Lac, WI Day, July 4th, Labor Day, Christmas Eve, and MADDY lucky, theInternationale! (Which, songs together! Or, ifIwasreally singing traditionalRussianpeasant Perhaps innotimeatallwe’d be cate theirgoodwill. Alright! dard Nod-and-Smile(NAS)toindi- door forme,andexchangethestan- groceries upstairs,openthefront forties), wouldhelpmecarry my one skinnyguy, bothintheirmid (onefatguyand be toastingtoMirinnotime! you know, we’dhititrightoff, and man!” and“Whatlies!”Ifigured, truth!”, “Whatabeautifulbusiness- mistake!”, “Stalin speaksthe including “Whatfilth!”,“You area twenty sentencesinRussian, Ukrainian men.SinceIknowabout third floor, there’s us. And several Latino families. And, then,onthe second floor, there’s abunchof bumper stickerontheircar. Onthe some guyswithaGetUpKids floor, there’s anIsraelicoupleand ments oneachfloor. Onthefirst three-floor building. Two apart- in between,lurks–Ukrainians! with onlyabouttwofeetofdrywall same building,onthefloor, Headquarters) inBrooklyn,the ‘bout Seattle!) no, blackblocpunk,I’mnottalkin’ WHOLE SYSTEMDOWN!(And, THE crisis couldverywellSHUT the Tight Pantsoperations! Yes, this No! This crisisaffects theheartof google searchfor“CrisisPunk!”) by Thrice! (Ah,thewondersof a Crisis orthesong“IdentityCrisis” album! NotDesertCrisisorLife No, notthelatestEarthCrisis (sweatpants), aCRISISisbrewing! dreaded pant-itemofalltime Vindictives shirtandthemost Weasel!), andwearinga the strangewondersofMr. but stillgetsahigh TP-rating (ah, album that,curiously, iscalled tuned tothesweetsoundsofan Enterprises! Fromdeepinthislair, al headquartersofthe Tight Pants At first,thingswentprettywell. I liveonthethirdfloorofa Allow metoexplain. Right nextto TPH (Tight Pants Greetings fromtheinternation- 16 I

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H l c I joinedtheUkrainians, whowere not anopportunity tobemissed!So drink withthem. This, Iknew, was to abaratthecornerofourstreet to bar, drink,food?”theyinvited me English wordstheyknew“You, us, on thewayhome.Usingfive getting off thebus,Iranintothem And then,onenight,whenIwas our waytoabeautifulfriendship. and theUkrainiansIwereon when theyweredone!Punk! gave mesomeRussianchocolate and possibledeath! And theyeven at all,bravingsnowyfireescapes formed therequiredtaskinnotime Luckily, theywerehome,andper- my apartment. Yes! That wasit! opening mydoorfromtheinsideof climb throughmykitchenwindow, ered inteninchesofsnow–and escape –whichwasalreadycov- ask themtoclimboutonthefire my Ukrainianneighbor’s doorand dumber ideas…),and5.)Knockon hallway. (There ARE worse,ifnot afternoon thrashingaroundinthe showandspendthe option!), 4.)Pretendtobeata Suicide. (Idunno,it’s ALWAYS an until myroommategothome.),3.) I realizedthatitwaseighthours out. (Thisoptionwasrejectedafter the nearestcoffee shopandwaitit door.), 2.) Walk thirtyminutesto body andthesevenfoottallmetal glance ofmyfivefeet105pound option wasrejectedafteracursory the doorbyrammingintoit.(This options. 1.) Attempt tobreakdown blizzard. Icontemplatedmy worse, itwasthemiddleofahuge into myapartment. To makethings into thebuilding,butcouldn’t get that Ihadlockedmyselfout.got day, Icamehomeonlytorealize that direction,especiallywhen,one human race!) dude! Let’s hearitforunitingthe even aCommunist!Fuckpunk, Hungarian version. And I’mnot English, andIhaveaCDwith can alsosingitinbothFrenchand wasn’t proofenoughofmyidiocy, I pronunciation, inRussian.Ifthat am, Ihaveprintedout,inphonetic I o S h

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lugging several pounds of various Ack! I practically ran the block shorts, chain-smoking, and moping. decomposing fish. No! No! No! fruits, cheese, bread, and, yes, even back to my apartment, up the stairs, Then, one day, when I was Why had my previously clean and plates! When we got to the bar, they and in the door. Behind me, the walking upstairs, I saw something vacant hallway suddenly turned arranged all the food and offered skinny Ukrainian was yelling, in our hallway. Something that into a Ukrainian social club? Not me some. Then they ordered me a “Come over! Come over!” I looked very much like mice hang- only did this destroy my dreams of glass of wine. Then another. I soon slammed the door in his face and ing on strings. No! What kind of discrete prostitution, it also pre- realized that the phrases “Stalin dead-bolted it. A minute later, he bizarre peasant ritual is this?! When vented me from making my usual speaks the truth” and “What a beau- started knocking. After about ten I got closer, I realized that the run, clad only in a towel, back into tiful businessman!” are not particu- minutes he gave up and left me beasts on the string were fish, not my apartment to take a shower, larly useful bar conversation. After alone. mice. Although at first I was undetected! If I were to try that about twenty minutes, I communi- now, I would have to 1.) be groped, cated where I was from originally, 2.) rub against dead fish that had what I am studying, and if I like just started to leak some sort of yel- New York. low goo, and 3.) get a haircut! Ah, Then came another glass of the injustice of it all! wine. And more food. We were sit- At this point, one might consid- ting in a booth, with the fat er calling one’s landlord. Ukrainian across from me and the Unfortunately, my landlord loves to skinny one next to me. Somehow, accuse me and my roommate of through my alcohol-induced haze, I being responsible for any and every started to realize that the skinny complaint. When we first moved in Ukrainian was inching his way and the bathtub was clogged, he over towards me. I tried to think of accused us of clogging it with hair, how to say “I have a boyfriend” in despite the fact that we both have Russian, but all I could think of was short, blonde hair and the hair com- “Breznev is a mistake!” and “What ing out of the drain was long and a beautiful Stalin!” I was screwed! black. And then there was a prob- I tried to move over more, but in no lem with the electricity. (Our fault.) time at all, the skinny Ukrainian And a problem with the pilot light was practically on top of me, lean- on the stove, which, judging by his ing over me and breathing hard. tone as I explained that methane Ack! For all my obsession with gas had filled our apartment and things East-European, I have death was imminent, he was con- NEVER found Eastern European vinced that it was part of some sort men appealing. Except for two of suicide pact. So, if I were to call notable exceptions: Mayakovsky the landlord, I would automatically MADDY (famous Russian poet) and, inter- be accepting responsibility for ram- estingly, my boyfriend (whose rela- pant dead fish, sleazy men, and tives came over from Hungary and Ukrainian haircuts. No! I will not! Russia back in the day). Nyet! Kakaya kracivaya Stalina! Anyway, with every second he (No! What a beautiful Stalin!) moved closer. Ack! No! At this So, I was forced to endure the moment, one thought came shining situation. Every day, the stench through my alcoholic stupor. I DO from the rotting fish increased. NOT WANT TO MAKE OUT After a week, you could smell it WITH A UKRAINIAN MAN IN Exhibit B right when you opened the building HIS MID-FORTIES! door – three flights of stairs down. Unfortunately, the exact same I realized that the beasts on the string were fish, not I began to have nightmares that I moment that my realization of the mice. Although at first I was relieved it wasn’t mice, I had been captured by the situation crystallized, the skinny Ukrainians, force-fed maggoty fish Ukrainian decided to PUT HIS soon realized that they were FISH, and that 1.) they and given a mid-’80s (Read: hip in HAND PRACTICALLY ON MY had been hung through their eyes, and 2.) They stunk! Latvia) haircut! The dastardly das- CROTCH! Ack! No! Uncool! tardness of it all! Uncool! Less cool than even L.L. Ack! Practically defiled by relieved it wasn’t mice, I soon real- After two weeks, the number of Cool J himself! Ukrainians – who live next-door! ized (by which I mean I realized fish began to decline slowly, as the I stood up in the booth and said [See exhibit A] The shame! The about five seconds later) that they Ukrainians began to eat them, one I was going to leave. The skinny humiliation! The sheer nastiness of were FISH, and that 1.) they had by one. The haircutting season was Ukrainian man didn’t move. So I it all! And the appalling lack of been hung through their eyes, and a short one. After two weeks, every pushed him and, unfortunately, had post-Ukrainian groping support 2.) They stunk! [See exhibit B] Eastern European man in Brooklyn to almost mount him to get out, groups! You’d think that’d be The next morning, I opened my had been properly shorn, and the thus unwittingly accomplishing enough for one Razorcake column, door. (There are two doors to our hallway barber shop closed. half of his goal! At that point, the but no! There’s more! From that apartment – one for the living Everything seemed to be Ukrainians looked confused, and night on, I tried to avoid the room, one for my bedroom.) This improving. I hardly saw the said, “No, no. Drink! Drink!” and Ukrainians and hardly ran into separate door should, in theory, Ukrainians anymore. And then, gestured to the bar. “No,” I said. them at all. If I saw them in the allow me to carry on a healthy call- three weeks later, my roommate “I’m going home.” Then the fat hallway, I waited until they were girl enterprise, in complete secrecy, and I were leaving the apartment. Ukrainian got up and ordered me gone to leave, lest I have to fend off with the boys lining up in the hall- We opened our front door, and another drink while I tried to leave Ukrainian Crotch-Grab Part Two! way to wait their turn. But that there, not more than two feet away, the bar. Never one to refuse free Then I left for the summer. morning all my dreams were shat- was the skinny Ukrainian – wear- alcohol, even in the middle of an When I came back, the tered! My potential call-girl busi- ing only briefs and socks. unwanted Eastern-European grop- Ukrainians were still there, but this ness ruined! For when I opened my Kill me. ing session, I gulped it down, and time, it was a whole new game! door I ran right into a Ukrainian left. Whereas before, they tried to act hair-cutting party! Four Ukrainians And then the Ukrainians, with macho and grab my crotch, now guys. One sitting on a crate. Two grapes and saltines flying every- they had degenerated to walking cutting his hair. And one smoking where, followed me out of the bar! around the hallway wearing only and staring at the thirty slowly- THE TWISTED BALLOON

RICH MACKIN

I COULDN’T EXACTLY SAY THAT HE ROBBED ME, BUT I DIDN’T FEEL THAT HE WANTED THE DOLLAR OF MY OWN FREE WILL. I first decided to write this sexual activity, it is your responsi- moment to consider it. It can be which traditionally means a system when I was talking to my friend bility to make it completely and simple as the fact that I, as a man, of male power heredity, is often Sally about how being accused of absolutely sure that it is desired, not can take my shirt off on a hot day, used to mean a decided societal assault caused me to research the just that there is a lack of resis- and it just means I am hot. A sexism where males oppress subject. I noticed that there is a lot tance. You shouldn’t “think” the woman doing the same is thought females, often used as a fancy word of material written about avoiding other person is interested. You to be making a sexual overture. for “sexism.”) I think this is a com- sexually assault and a lot of mater- should be completely, absolutely Unfortunately, this important con- bination of other, less obvious fac- ial about what to do if you have sure without doubt of any sort. If cept is generally not discussed, and tors. Some men might very well be been sexually assaulted, but there you feel confident that the interest when it is, it’s almost exclusively evil scumbags, but most have good isn’t much written about how to is there, what harm is a verbal con- by angry people who use it to intentions and somehow forget make sure that you never find your- firmation going to do you? scapegoat and overgeneralize – what the road to hell is paved with. self in a position where your That’s so simple, but also rather because men, as a gender, have Forget your intentions and consider actions might be considered sexual unusual. In some ways, part of the privilege, white people as a race the outcome. To quote from the assault. excitement of sex and romance is have privilege, etc. But anyone book Hope and Recovery, “When There is plenty of information not knowing what the other person who tries to tell you ALL white in doubt – don’t.” for women, but not much for males, is thinking and trying to figure out people have it easy, or ALL men Men and women communicate and surely not for “guys” (to denote what is going on between you. The have it better than ALL women, differently. (I realize that not every- what would be called the “average difference with active consent can well, the simple term for that is one falls into the polarities of men American male”). Since most sexu- be as simple as erring on the side of WRONG. and women, but most do. Even al assault is male on female, there caution unless intent and consent is I bring up men and women though it’s twilight as I write this clearly is a need for this informa- clear. A lot of discussion in an because, yes, most sexual trans- doesn’t mean night and day don’t tion. “We teach our daughters to activist group that discusses these gressions and violence are done by exist.) To sum up the 298 pages of say ‘no’ to intercourse – and we issues is, “Are we willing to get men. Most victims are women. But You Just Don’t Understand by hardly say anything to our sons” is laid less for the revolution?” I think the idea is not men are bad and Deborah Tannen, both men and clearly stated in the handbook it’s not a question of getting “laid” women are victims, but that PEO- women speak not only in the direct against assault, No is Not Enough less, but risking a night or two here PLE have the ability to harm one messages they say, but the meta- (Adams, Fay, M.A., Loreen- and there to make sure that one’s another, and sometimes do so with- messages of how they say it. Men Martin). Bell hooks, in Feminism Is “getting laid” isn’t the other per- out realizing it, or at least consider- generally are concerned with direct for Everybody, says, “No signifi- son’s feeling pressured, or worse. ing that they might be. There are information. Women are more con- cant body of feminist literature has We all should be aware and many ways someone’s actions cerned with the meta-messages. An appeared that addresses boys.” The responsible for inequities when ini- might harm another without it example is that a woman might say, more I read about sexual assault, tiating sexual contact. Is one person being a case of direct attempt at “Do you want to stop for dinner?” gender issues, and feminism, I bigger than the other? Older? harm. It’s not just one person’s This means she does, or at least found more information that I Drunker? Is one a rock star and the intent. It’s the other’s idea of con- wants to discuss the idea. The man thought most men should read. But other a fan? Teacher and student? If sent; to quote from No Is Not frustrates her by answering “Yes” most of it was hidden in books you are a six and a half foot tall Enough: “Consent is based on or “No.” He might say, “I want to clearly marketed towards female man who is built like a wrestler, choice. Consent is active, not pas- stop for dinner”: a statement, not a feminists or in books with title like you don’t have to only date women sive. Consent is possible only when discussion. Neither mode is chosen Transforming a Rape Culture, who can fend you off, but you DO there is equal power. Giving in consciously, neither way is right or which doesn’t exactly appeal to you need to be aware that others might because of fear is not consent. wrong, and neither is cut and dry as something to read in a park be intimidated by you, so you are Going along with something specific to either sex. Sex and gen- under a tree on your day off or in responsible for understanding, because of wanting to fit in with the der also factor in with ethnicity, bed before sleeping. acknowledging, and respecting that group, being deceived, or feeling upbringing, socializing, and many I acknowledge that talking such intimidation MIGHT exist, bad is not consent. If you can’t say other factors. But still, AS A about how actions might be consid- and how it effects the other’s ‘no’ comfortably, then ‘yes’ has no WHOLE, men and women talk dif- ered sexual assault can seem actions. Indeed, in many situations meaning. If you are unwilling to ferently, and thus listen differently. strange. “If she says no, it’s rape,” my own actions made women accept a ‘no,’ then ‘yes’ has no The golden rule does not right? Obviously. Of course. What uncomfortable not for my intent to meaning.” always work. You do unto others if she doesn’t say “no,” but “I don’t oppress or dominate, but for a com- The idea that consent is some- what you would like them to do think so” or “I don’t think this is a plete lack of empathy for inequities thing that should be sought out is unto you. Do they WANT what you good idea” or even “maybe”? of the situation and our relation- not considered by many in our soci- want done unto you? A exam-

RICH MACKIN Maybe is part no and part yes. ship. ety. Pop culture presents the idea of ple is that many men I know would Arguably, a person should be clear- This is the basic idea of privi- sex being when the man proposes love to be awaken with sexual con- er about their interest level, but lege – that one person might have an idea and the woman accepts or tact, especially orally; at least they shouldn’t the person initiating be an upper hand that another does fends him off. This isn’t necessari- say as much. Most women I know seeking out a definite answer? Not not. Usually, this privilege is direct- ly a result of men being evil scum- would be annoyed, if not feel out- “maybe,” not “I guess,” but “YES!” ly linked to not being aware of the bags who seek to perpetuate patri- right violated to be awaken that 18 If you are initiating privilege unless one takes a archal oppression. (Patriarchy, way – even by long term partner. Some people appreciate being interest. (Same sex situations are a within inches of me. He looked You probably can draw similar asked questions; others feel this totally different issue. They mix angry. He surely was closer to me stories from your own life – from puts them on the spot. consent issues with homophobic than most people initiating a con- the subtlety of staying on the phone Men often simply do not “get” issues. That’s worth exploring versation would be, and I felt my with someone who doesn’t take how women feel, because even if another time.) As Peter Rutter personal space violated. He asked into account that you need to get off the tables were turned, the response explains in Sex, Power and me for a dollar. He didn’t threaten the line (I know many mothers who would not be the same. This clearly Boundaries: “The harassment prob- me, he asked. If I gave him a dollar, respond to “I have to go” as if it was the case for me. It wasn’t that I lem exists in a large part because I couldn’t exactly say that he was “Tell me one more story”) to didn’t care how the women around many perfectly decent (and reason- robbed me, but I didn’t feel that he finding yourself having to clean up me thought; it was that I wasn’t able) men have simply never had wanted the dollar of my own free someone else’s physical or concep- attempting to understand their anyone tell them, clearly and credi- will. He didn’t say anything threat- tual mess, to having to defend your thoughts so much as making bly, that some of their behavior is ening, nor did he make any clearly drunk friend in a fight they started assumptions. If a young woman sexually offensive to the women threatening motions (like making a – we all find ourselves in situations who was forty pounds lighter hit on around them.” fist or showing a weapon) but all of of various emotional blackmail. me, I could easily tell her I wasn’t I present a metaphor for sexual his actions CAME ACROSS as Sometimes it’s sexual in orienta- interested if I wasn’t. It simply did- consent, in the hopes that it might threatening. Whatever his intent, I tion.

ILLUSTRATION BY ROB RUELAS

n’t occur to me that she might not hit home for some guys: panhan- felt he would become violent if I I can safely assume that most have that ease. THIS is the idea of dling. I might walk down the street didn’t give him money soon. men I personally know would stop

privilege. A critic told me I didn’t and see some unfortunate soul with I was a bit scared and felt like I if a woman ever said “no” or RICH MACKIN know what it was like to be female. a sign and cup. I feel like putting was forced into a situation where I “stop.” Unfortunately, in real life, Of course not. How COULD I? some money in. They can eat, I feel wasn’t in control at all. Yet, I could human communication rarely is A man hitting on a woman like I did something good, every- not honestly say that he was a thief, that cut and dry, especially with a could be considered a wonderful, one is happy. I like a street musi- because he asked for something I subject so complicated. One friend flattering, and great thing; or a hor- cian and put some money in his or could prove, or really even allege, brought up this point: “In our soci- rible violation of personal space; or her guitar case. I get music and as a threat. If I were to complain to ety, women are conditioned to a lack of tact; or any combination reward it financially as I choose. authorities, he could even argue make others happy. Women put of these. A woman hitting on a man Everyone is happy. In these two that he merely asked and I willing- someone else’s comfort above their rarely makes the man feel violated. examples, the panhandler is rela- ly gave. He could say that he got a own, sometimes agree to things He might reciprocate, he likely will tively passive. The request is vibe that I wanted to give him (sex or otherwise) to make the be flattered, but more than likely, known but not forced. money. He might even refer to other person happy, not because the worse case scenario is merely One day I went to the ATM and knowing that I enjoy giving money they really want to.” Someone else disinterest. It is only in rare took out some money. As I turned to other panhandlers because he offered the feedback, “Women are instances that men will be seriously to leave, a dirty, smelly man who saw me give money to the guy with conditioned from birth to never say offended by a woman expressing was a full head taller than me came the hat. ‘no’ to anything, but 19 rather, to make polite excuses.” The feminists such as Andrea Dworkin excuse is a polite “no” which he and Catharine MacKinnon have addresses at face value. (Consider equated all heterosexual sex with when someone invites you to an rape, and in doing so wrongly event you don’t want to go to. Do accuse men in general and present you say, “No, I don’t want to”? Or an extreme feminism that borders something like “Oh, I need to on self-parody. But there are many ______that day,” which opens others, perhaps less known because up the addressing of the excuse, not of less shocking views, who are the thoughts behind it?) more optimistic. Joseph Weinberg, To even say “no,” a person in his essay in “Transforming a needs to have the belief that saying Rape Culture,” suggests that sex is “no” would have an effect, and more erotic when it’s a sharing of sometimes that belief level is not power, not a power struggle. there. Sex is a natural biological “Power with” instead of “power thing, like eating, but it has levels over.” This makes me ask, Who do of spirituality, passion, and emo- you think should have more say tion. To be sexual in America in about sexuality? Those who like 2003 combines your biochemistry, sex or those who don’t? views on intergender and/or homo- We do, and will, and can have sexual interactions as well as views both passion and concern about on your and whatever gender the consent, but we need to spend a other person (people?) are with moment here and there to check the whatever views on sexuality your situation and see exactly how both religion and upbringing put on you, (or all, I guess) parties stand. If the mixed with whatever intellectual idea of sex is supposed to be plea- spin you put on it as you became surable, don’t we all want the other your own person. Every sex act you person to feel pleasure too? Think engage in might have traces of about how much more willing peo- every sex act you have ever had, ple tend to do something when they along with any you may have feel like their interest level is being viewed on TV or film, or heard considered and respected? We can from the other side of the wall. still have sex; we just need to spend Now take all that and try and have a few seconds thinking about what a logical conversation with some- to say and how to say it first. Some one equally confused. express the concern of “Simon “When she says ‘no,’ it’s rape.” Says Sex”: “Do you consent to What if she says “yes” because he THIS? Do you consent to THIS?” framed the situation falsely, like The widely acclaimed Antioch pol- Books used as resources/ forgetting to mention his other sex icy mentions stopping for verbal Helen Block Lewis, 1976, NYU Press partners, or in one case I know, consent at each stage of an reading list: Beyond the Blame Game, by Dmitri (Highly recommended. It discusses removing the condom halfway encounter, but what exactly counts Bilgere, 1997, MPC Press (recom- gender in cultural and anthropological through? What if she is in no posi- as a stage? Maybe we don’t need to mended) levels, not just in modern culture.) tion to say anything? What if HE is worry about every little step if we Boys Will be Men: Raising our Sons Refusing to be a Man, by John in no position to say anything? If start relationships and encounters for Courage, Caring, and Community, Stoltenberg, 1989, Breitenbush Books both man and woman blacked out with more openness, honesty, com- by Paul Kivel, 1999, New Society Inc. from drugs or alcohol, but had sex, munication and respect. I think a Publishers (Note that I used this as a resource. can you say it was consented to? If few key words here are judgement Cunt: A Declaration of Independence, Some parts are great food for thought, by Inga Muscio, 2002, Seal Press (rec- others, well, just wait until you read two people BOTH get drunk and and foresight. the section about how men want to wake to find that they had sex, how Not to get all on blaming “the ommended) Feminism Is for Everybody by Bell father boys in order to avenge their lost do they know who initiated and system,” but the way a lot of media Hooks, 2000, South End Press (recom- erections.) thus was responsible for getting is, we are trained to meet strangers mended) The Secret Life of Men, by Steve consent? What if she wants sex and in exciting situations, and by mere Gender Outlaw: On Men, Women, and Biddulph,1994, 2003, Marlowe and HE says “no,” or “not a good proximity find sexual compatibili- the Rest of Us, by Kate Bornstein, Company (recommended) idea”? What if he passed out and ty. The way the judicial system 1995, Vintage Books (Highly recom- Sex on Your Terms, by Elizabeth woke up to her having sex with seems to work as a moral code is mended) Powell, 1996, Allyn and Bacon (rec- RICH MACKIN him? By the way, that last example that we feel bad not for what we do Good Will Toward Men, by Jack ommended) Kramer, 1994, St. Martin’s Press Sex, Power and Boundaries: happened to me. Does that mean I wrong, but to feel bad if we get Understanding and Preventing Sexual have been raped? I’m just asking to caught. The restorative justice I Never Called It Rape, by Robin Warsaw, 1988, Ms. Foundation/ Sarah Harassment, by Peter Rutter, M. D. (A ask. movement is even centered around Lazin Books good book, but not really worth read- Ever see Revenge of ? the lack of being accountable for Manhood in America, by Michael ing unless you are doing research. There is a scene where one nerd the HARM someone does to others Kimmel, 1996, The Free Press (recom- Mostly discusses workplace and legal puts on the same costume as one of and making amends, as opposed to mended) issues.) the jocks and has sex with the the more abstract idea of “breaking Men’s Work, by Paul Kivel, 1992, Sexual Violence and American cheerleader who dates that jock a rule” so you should be punished. Ballantine Books (Highly recommend- Manhood, by T Walter Herbert, 2002, because she thinks it’s her Meanwhile, much of the recent dis- ed) Harvard University Press My Gender Workbook: How to That’s Not What I Meant! by Deborah boyfriend, since they have the same cussions about sexual assault in Tannen, Ph.D., 1986, Ballentine Books costume on. Not only is this “radical” communities center on Become a Real Man, a Real Woman, the Real You, or Something Else (recommended) implausible, but it’s a form of rape. definitions. Definitions can be Entirely, by Kate Bornstein, 1998, Transforming a Rape Culture, edited But in the movie, the way he helpful, but less important (in my Routledge (recommended) by Emilie Buchwald, Pamela Fletcher, expressed his love and gained hers opinion) than what you call some- No Is Not Enough: Helping Teenagers and Martha Roth, 1993, Milkweed was celebrated. thing is how it impacts the lives of Avoid Sexual Assault, by Caren Editions. When some people first start people. Adams, M.A., Jennifer Fay, M.A., Jan You Just Don’t Understand: Women really thinking about consent –Rich Mackin Loreen-Martin, M.A., 1984 Impact and Men in Conversation, by Deborah issues, they wonder if anyone ever Publishers Tannen, Ph.D., 1991, Ballentine Books (Highly recommended) has consenting sex. Some militant Psychic War in Men & Women, by 21 WHO ARE YOU?

NARDWUAR

NARDWUAR THE HUMAN SERVIETTE Nardwuar: Who are you? come through the border this morn- that’d be rare. it’s not as good as GG Allin, where Wayne: I’m Wayne from the band ing, because we were driving from Nardwuar: Come on, you’ve he throws feces at the audience. The Flaming Lips, who are you? outside of Seattle into Vancouver, played with the Butthole Surfers. Have you thrown any shit at the Nardwuar: I’m Nardwuar, The and I thought it would be a great They’ve had blood thrown at them. audience? Human Serviette. challenge for the folks at the border Wayne: They have bled onstage Wayne: I would never do that. I Wayne: And everybody probably to see me come through looking and they take their own blood would never ever do that. already knows that, right, but I’m like this. onstage but no, I don’t think any- Nardwuar: What’s the closest probably the first guy you ever Nardwuar: I thought the crowd one’s ever actually thrown it. you’ve come to that? interviewed who had a pre-blood- throws blood on you. You’ve gotta imagine – you’re Wayne: No, I throw confetti, ied Calvin Klein suit on, right? Wayne: Well, they do sometimes, gonna go all the way from home which is clean and smells fine and I Nardwuar: Yeah, I want to know, yeah, but it’s not real blood. with some blood. You’re gonna be throw balloons and I actually some- is that real blood or is that fake Nardwuar: Yeah, I wanna know, out all night ‘cause concerts are a times throw balloons that have blood, and does the audience ever how do you know it’s not real blood long thing. What are you gonna do things in them. throw real blood? if the crowd is throwing it on you? with that blood? Nardwuar: How about throw up? Wayne: No, no, I hope they never Wayne: Well, because if it was real Nardwuar: You guys are headlin- Have you ever thrown up onstage do that because that would mean blood it wouldn’t come out, I mean ing and stuff, you know. They don’t or shat your pants onstage? that someone had to bleed or some- I’ve had a lot of experience with want to waste it on the opening Wayne: No. one’s dead or something like that. blood and I’ve bled myself, and it band. Nardwuar: In twenty years of No, that’d be horrible. doesn’t come out of a suit. Plus, Wayne: It wouldn’t make sense. rock, Wayne Coyne? Nardwuar: Is there any audience you know, it feels different and But I did know a guy who actually Wayne: No, I’ve come close, but blood on you right now? looks different. And really, what went to a concert and threw his own there’s some magic that happens Wayne: No, this is all blood that I nut is gonna come to the show and human feces. But you could say he when you’re up there onstage, that put on myself just last night at the throw blood? I mean I know a cou- carried it with him. those things just clamp up. I’ve 22 show. We had to ple of people who have done it but Nardwuar: That’s pretty good, but never sneezed onstage, or shat onstage. Doherty? Wayne: Who’s Canadian! always going to be an audience Nardwuar: Amazing. Wayne: No, I think they were actu- Nardwuar: Who’s Canadian, so there, but we want to go and sort of Wayne: Nick Cave almost did ally both not on the show when we there’s a Canadian connection for see what these places are like any- once. But I said, “Look, I think you were there. I think they were you! way. I remember playing in have to rely on nature’s own...” already gone. Wayne: Right, but I don’t know Calgary to probably about four Nardwuar: Were you onstage with Nardwuar: What a rip-off. Mike Myers. people at one of the nice resorts him? Wayne: Well I agree, because we Nardwuar: I know but you know there, where you go and sort of play Wayne: I was onstage with him, walked into it thinking “Man, we’ll Heather Graham. How do you while people drink beer and battle and he was having some trouble be walking into them.” But I never know Heather Graham? off their winter colds. But we did because he had eaten some of the followed the show that closely. I Wayne: I guess because she takes a stay at a hotel that was right outside chicken on Lollapalooza 1994 and mean I knew what the show was all lot of drugs and listens to music. of the leftovers of the winter it didn’t agree with him. He said, “I about, but when we were on there I Isn’t that how we get all our Olympics, and we watched… I can’t go up there. I’m Nick Cave, think it was already the second Flaming Lips fans? [laughs] think we watched porn for a couple

and if I do one of those “rrrraaar- of days. But we couldn’t see it very rrhh” sort of screams, the whole well… thing’s going to let out,” and I said, Nardwuar: You watched the “Nick, you’ve got to believe…” scrambled porn?

Nardwuar: You are Wayne Coyne, Wayne: We did. NARDWUAR THE HUMAN SERVIETTE and Wayne what do you play? You Nardwuar: I’ve done that too. play the recording studio, don’t That’s fun, isn’t it! you? Wayne: Back in the late ‘80s, Wayne: Well, I mean people have before there were satellites or any- said that and that’s a great compli- thing, so it was scrambled, but if ment, and the way that music you got lucky, you could see it works, that really is my instrument scrambled. And I think — this is in a way. But when I’m onstage, just for me, and I don’t think I’m a you know, I’m not actually playing weirdo — I think porn looks better the recording studio up there ‘cause scrambled. it would be too big, I mean I’d have Nardwuar: Wayne Coyne of The to carry it up there every night. So Flaming Lips, tell me about onstage, I play sort of a fake guitar Oklahoma City being a test market. that has sounds coming out of it Where you’re from, Oklahoma that I don’t actually make. And I City, is a test market. Very interest- have some puppets that I play with, ing. Tell the people about that. and I have lights that I swing Wayne: I think that is a polite way around, I have some fireworks that of saying that it’s the bland middle I set off. I do things that are excit- area, where if it works there, it’ll ing. I keep the show going. It does- probably work anywhere, and this n’t mean that music and singing is the truth. The McRib was tested and all that stuff isn’t exciting, but rung of folks. Who would that be? I Nardwuar: Ba-boom! Now there, and it didn’t work, and that’s I mean, frankly, I don’t dance. I don’t remember. But they were real Wayne, talking about Canada, did why you don’t get the McRib now. don’t do any kind of sexy dancing, nice to us, and they were all real you have some bad gigs in Canada But MTV was tested there, and it so I sort of feel like, you know, if famous. I didn’t know who they early on? I read about some bad worked, see? That proves that we you don’t dance, you gotta do were, but I was busy [laughs] that gigs happening in Canada. know what we’re talking about. something. You gotta look crazy, couple of years. Wayne: No, I think when you trav- You’re not going to give us some like the way you do or something, Nardwuar: Wayne Coyne, el across Canada you travel from meat that’s been pressed up to look you know. [laughs] Canadian connections. On one of what seems to be civilized, sophis- like a rib. We’re from Oklahoma, Nardwuar: Thanks very much, your records you have a Canadian ticated metropolitan cities like we know what a rib tastes like. But Wayne Coyne. And now Wayne flag. On Oh My Gawd there’s a Vancouver… MTV, where you get women walk- Coyne, welcome to Vancouver, Canadian flag. What are the Nardwuar: Be careful… ing around with no clothes on, and British Columbia, Canada, home of Canadian connections? Wayne: Over to Montreal or you get to hear rock’n’roll, now Jason Priestley from Beverly Wayne: Well, I mean, we watched Toronto, but there are some places that’s something that Oklahomans Hills… did I spit on you there? some, uh… in between which are wonderful want. Wayne: Three or four different Nardwuar: A Canadian flag on the but aren’t necessarily rock’n’roll Nardwuar: And here comes times. Oh My Gawd record. art Meccas… is that, I’m being Wayne Coyne of The Flaming Lips Nardwuar: Sorry about that, at Wayne: There is, I know. I’m try- polite, right? testing quite a bit, now you’re test- least it wasn’t blood. Ba-boom! ing to think… Nardwuar: Well not really, ing the blood thing, some achieve- Wayne: Right, but I think blood’s Nardwuar: You’re friends with because The Guess Who are from ment. A big achievement, testing better, now that you’ve spat on me Heather Graham, aren’t you? Winnipeg. Don’t dis Winnipeg the blood and stuff like that. Now that much. No, I didn’t know that Wayne: Yes. there, Wayne “Cone.” what about this mic thing you have, he actually is from here. Nardwuar: And Heather Graham Wayne: I’m not dissing anybody… the video mic, what’s the video Nardwuar: Yes he is, and I guess I was in a movie with… Nardwuar: Wayne “Cone.” mic, Wayne Coyne of The Flaming was wondering, did you ever hang Wayne: With… Wayne: I’m… Lips? Jason Priestley when you did Nardwuar: Mike... Nardwuar: Wayne “Cone.” Wayne: We live in such a great sci- Beverly Hills 90210 or did you ever Wayne: Mike… Wayne: [laughs] I’m just saying entifically diverse world these days get in any fights with Shannen Nardwuar: Myers, who is…? that you don’t expect that there’s that you can actually 23 go online and go to one of these he really did to begin with, right? Nardwuar: That’s pretty damn Nardwuar: Because you’ve cov- sort of spy stores and buy all these Nardwuar: Ba-boom. close to bin Laden. ered her tune. little things that you can spy on Wayne: Well, there you go. No, it’s Wayne: And a couple of times Wayne: Right, and that’s the rea- your friends with. So I got this little because he’s a nice guy, and he’s up we’ve had people show up as Jesus, son I say, “Kylie you’ve gotta come camera that’s on my microphone up for doing weird things. He likes to so on one side of me is Santa Claus back here,” and if she shows up I’m there, and I just sort of connect it up have fun. and on the other side is Jesus. And sure she’ll let me touch it. I mean I ‘til you can see my head. And we Nardwuar: You like to have peo- of course it’s Wayne from don’t want to do anything with it, have a screen that plays behind us. ple dress up as animals, and you Oklahoma in the middle, right? other than I’ll touch it, just so I Sometimes you can see my big supply the animals, don’t you? Yeah, you should come up tonight. could have one up on the head and my boogers up my nose Wayne: We supply the animal cos- You already look like you’re ready Fischerspooner folks. How did he and all that sort of stuff right there tumes, and usually they don’t smell to dance with us. get to touch it? while I’m singing. of sex, they smell good, they smell Nardwuar: I want to play in the Nardwuar: I don’t know. It was Nardwuar: See, that is a really fresh and clean like you just did the confetti! Now tell me about the arranged through the record com- great achievement. laundry. But occasionally people confetti, a little bit about the con- pany or something like that. Wayne: [laughs] do things in them, in the suits. fetti there, Wayne Coyne of The Wayne: Well, was it a touch or was Nardwuar: It’s great that you’re Nardwuar: And Justin Timberlake Flaming Lips. The confetti because it like a grab? going out and doing that, you didn’t care about climbing into the you have confetti and so does Nardwuar: He got a nice little know, true Oklahoma City style suit. He didn’t care about the smell. Fischer… grab. He said it was awesome. there, Wayne Coyne. He wanted to hear the music first, Wayne: So does… uh, Spooner! Wayne: Did she like it? I mean, did Wayne: I don’t know if that would didn’t he? He wanted to learn the Nardwuar: Fischerspooner! she respond? be called Oklahoma City style… dance moves! Wayne: Oh okay, right… you gotta Nardwuar: Of course. She came Nardwuar: Test marketing. You’re Wayne: Well, he’s got the dance be quick with you, right. I didn’t back for more! test marketing. moves down. That’s why we want- know they did.

Wayne: I agree. I have a curiosity ed him to come up there and sort of Nardwuar: They have the confetti Wayne: I can’t believe that… about trying new things. You’re rock out with us. And he was won- and when they play oftentimes they Nardwuar: She might have been exactly right. derful. I think it just goes to show, lip sync. They jump around, lip contractually obligated. It might Nardwuar: And there is an who would ever think that Justin sync. Have you ever thought about have been a contractual obligation. achievement of The Flaming Lips Timberlake would care about The doing that, just totally lip syncing? Wayne: I think if I get to touch recently, an achievement, many Flaming Lips? But when we met he Wayne: I have, of course. We do Kylie’s butt, it’s going to be achievements but one specially. said, “Yeah, I’d love to come up that in our videos all the time. because she likes it. Wayne: I think the biggest there and play with you guys and Nardwuar: But how about on Nardwuar: It could have been one achievement is… do this song.” He even went to his stage, because that’s what of those things that happened in the Nardwuar: Getting sponsored hotel room that night and learned Fischerspooner does. It’d be a lot press, you know, like Lisa Marie by… the song. easier for you to do your show kissing . It could Wayne: Did we get sponsored Nardwuar: Wayne Coyne, tell me without actually singing. have been set up. by… ? a little bit about the animals and Wayne: To me it would really be Wayne: I wouldn’t want mine to be Nardwuar: Apple! stuff that people climb into. Do more trouble than it’s worth, in that way at all. I hope mine is a Wayne: No. they have sex in the outfits? Have because it’s just so much easier just genuine, “Let me touch your butt,” Nardwuar: Don’t you have a you stopped them from having sex to sing. And I don’t think one is and she says, “Do it once and get sponsorship with Apple computers? in the outfits? And just continuing better than the other, I just think it’s outta here.” That’s amazing Wayne Coyne! on there, I’m just curious about, a lot easier because you like to talk Nardwuar: Wayne Coyne of The Wayne: No. We do get a lot of free what do you do when that happens? and change things up a little bit, Flaming Lips, the song you have,

NARDWUAR THE HUMAN SERVIETTE stuff from Apple, but I was actually Wayne: Well, I hope that they just and it’s just more personal. “Do You… in an HP commercial. That’s why I get it over with quick when it does Nardwuar: Wayne Coyne, there Wayne: …Realize” think there’s some confusion there. happen, but I don’t know if they’re are some similarities between you Nardwuar: “Do You Realize.” Are Nardwuar: Oh my god. having sex with anything other than and The Flaming Lips and there dog whistles embedded in Wayne: But we actually won a themselves. I think a lot of times Fischerspooner. Casey Spooner that? When my friend listens to that Grammy a couple of months ago as we’re drawing that new craze of there – are you jealous of Casey song with his dog, the dog goes well. crowd that’s called the Furries and Spooner, because he got to touch… crazy! Have you embedded dog Nardwuar: That’s amazing. the Plushies. You’ve heard of this? Wayne: I don’t know! whistles? Congratulations. But the most And I think that’s really why we’re Nardwuar: Whose ass did Casey Wayne: That’s because that dog is amazing achievement you’ve done drawing bigger audiences these Spooner get to touch? hearing the lyrics and the lyrics are recently is – how the hell did you days. Wayne: It must be Kylie so moving that the dog’s going get Justin Timberlake into a dol- Nardwuar: Is there any quality Minogue’s… crazy. That’s why. phin outfit that was smelling of control of people coming to the Nardwuar: Yes! Nardwuar: No, but the whole sex? shows in outfits? If someone comes Wayne: Because that’s the only ass album is filled with dog whistles. Wayne: Exactly, well see, I was to the show, do you boycott any that anybody really wants to touch. Wayne: No, no, no… like wow, I like that. I hadn’t used outfits going on stage? Because There’s a lot of asses out there, Nardwuar: Is the whole album that. [laughs] you encourage people to bring their but… filled with subliminal dog whistles? Nardwuar: And you are Wayne own outfits don’t you? What have Nardwuar: Yes! You see, Casey Wayne: No, it’s not. Coyne of the Flaming... been some questionable ones, like Spooner got to touch the ass, and Nardwuar: Here I am asking a Wayne: I am, and I think it just have you had bin Laden up there – all you got to do was cover the ass. man covered in blood. Very satanic. goes to show that Justin Timberlake you know what I mean? Wayne: No, I think I will get to But are there dog whistles? probably does a lot more drugs than Wayne: Well, we have Santa Claus touch it. I’ve invited her to come Wayne: No there’s not, and you 24 everybody thought up there… backstage… can trust me on that, because I have dogs, and I play it all the time at the Nardwuar: Is that funny? Is that guys.” And as you know, a band guys, which is great, but you hope house and nothing happens to them. funny? Can you tell the people the like Candlebox being experimental, that when you’re touring with rap Nardwuar: There’s none, you joke I was trying to get across? that sounds… acts and hip-hop acts that it’s a con- swear to god, Wayne Coyne of The Wayne: Right, the joke is that peo- Nardwuar: You see, I was wonder- stant barrage of smoking crack and Flaming Lips, no dog whistles in ple think that they sound like The ing about that, because having sex and guns and all that “Do You Realize”? Flaming Lips now, the Polyphonic toured with Stone Temple Pilots, sort of stuff, but it wasn’t. Wayne: No intentional ones. Spree, right? That’s the joke? But I and then Stone Temple Pilots total- Nardwuar: Have you played with Nardwuar: So why do you think don’t think so. I think they sound ly ripped off Redd Kross. Would any other rap groups? Any other rap the dogs go crazy again? like them. you admit to that, Wayne Coyne of groups? Have you met any other Wayne: I think it’s because they’re Nardwuar: But people have ripped The Flaming Lips? rap groups? Canadian! you off, Wayne Coyne of The Wayne: No, I think music is one of Wayne: Of course. We played with Nardwuar: Ba-boom! Flaming Lips… those things… Jurassic 5 just last night, and about Wayne: [laughs] Wayne: No, no… Nardwuar: Come on. Redd Kross a month ago with Public Enemy, so Nardwuar: Now going back here Nardwuar: Yes, touring with STP were completely ripped off by the yeah. to … and Candlebox. They ripped you Stone Temple Pilots! “Big Bang Nardwuar: What was that like? Wayne: Back to The Cramps? off, didn’t they? Tell me the story Baby” – that’s total Redd Kross! That must have been a bit of a Nardwuar: Well we started talking about that. Wayne: Nobody owns a certain downer. about The Cramps. Wayne: No, they didn’t rip us off. element of what you can do in Wayne: No, it was great. Wayne: Right, right we did. We actually played up here in music. Everybody is always influ- Nardwuar: Flava Flav is getting Nardwuar: Now, when I was lis- Vancouver with both of those enced… pretty big isn’t he? tening to your early records, it Wayne: What do you mean? really does sound a bit Nardwuar: You’ve kept very Crampish. fit and trim, and you exercise. Wayne: There is an element of Wayne: Flava Flav looks vir- The Cramps in there. But The tually the same, only I think Cramps are one of those inspi- the clocks are getting bigger. rations, because they’re just He still had the clocks on and such weirdos, and people everything. don’t know how old they are, Nardwuar: Ba-boom! and where they come from, Wayne: [laughs]

and all that sort of stuff, and I Nardwuar: I love you guys NARDWUAR THE HUMAN SERVIETTE think there’s an element of that because you were, like, cov- to The Flaming Lips. ering Dark Side of the Moon, Nardwuar: But you don’t do the entire album opening for any of that any more. You only punk bands years ago… go as far back as “Jelly.” You Wayne: [laughs] only go to the “Jelly.” Nardwuar: I mean that is Wayne: Well, it’s because we punk. That is punk. When did have been around for so long this happen – quickly wind- and our audience is perpetual- ing up here – doing that for ly like a new audience, and punk bands? you’re always playing to peo- Wayne: We didn’t cover the ple who just know your last whole thing. couple of records, which I Nardwuar: Yes, there’s a think is wonderful. And so, we punk band called No Trend try to play songs that we think from , DC that everybody out there will says you opened for them and know. And so I could play you did the entire album . some old songs, but there’d Wayne: I know, but they’re only be like three or four exaggerating that we did like yourself in the entire album. We would play audience who would know songs and that what we’re playing, and so I was indeed confrontational to play songs that they want to that crowd at the time. But in hear. And when we do radio defense of ourselves, we did- shows or shows at record n’t do it because it was con- stores or something, then we frontational. We did it know we’re really connecting to the bands. Nardwuar: What sort of kickback because we liked the music and we people who are weirdo, weirdo fans Nardwuar: I thought you played are you getting back from the Stone thought, “Well, these people are and who are perhaps even weirder with Candlebox, and then they Temple Pilots? punk rock. They should like it that than you, and then we will play ripped you off, and then they failed, Wayne: [laughs] I’m not, I just we’re doing what we like.” I some of the older stuff, just because because they couldn’t copy The wouldn’t make… I don’t think any- thought that’s what it was all about, we know… [laughs] Flaming Lips! body’s even ripped us off. I think but in some ways you see it’s very Nardwuar: Thank you so much, Wayne: No, they failed. Who you can just do whatever you want. restricted in other ways. Wayne Coyne of The Flaming Lips. knows why they failed. Nardwuar: [quickly] Polyphonic Nardwuar: Just quickly, this inter- Now I have a little joke here for Nardwuar: You said… Spree. view’s winding up. But why did you. I was listening to your early Wayne: No. Wayne: No. Polyphonic Spree are your interview never records, going way, way back, and Nardwuar: …in an interview that great. see the light of day? You inter- your early records don’t sound like they copied you, and then they only Nardwuar: Wayne Coyne of The viewed Brian Wilson! Why did it . sold four hundred records. Flaming Lips, De La Soul. You not see the light of day!? What the Wayne: But that’s a good joke, Wayne: No. I think because we toured with De La Soul. What’s it hell happened? right? Because I love the were on tour with them, and we got like touring with a rap band and Wayne: Because Brian Wilson, I Polyphonic Spree… to be friends and they really what other rap bands have you mean – I know me and you are a Nardwuar: You’re supposed to admired our music, and I think they toured with? pair of weirdos – but compared to laugh at that. thought, “We want to be more Wayne: De La Soul are really gen- us, Brian Wilson is just too weird. Wayne: Oh, okay. [laughs] weird and experimental like you tle, loving, peace-and-love sort of It’s unsettling to see 25 him interviewed with me on TV, to record? sign them, one of the reasons they trip… tell you the truth. I have the inter- Wayne: No, no they won’t. No. signed to Warner Brothers is Nardwuar: And as soon as you view with me and maybe some day Nardwuar: Why is that? because they loved The Flaming said that, look, the sun just came we’ll just prove it. Wayne: Because I don’t really Lips. out. Nardwuar: Do you have it in your think they exist anymore. But, um, Nardwuar: Aww, and you felt ter- Wayne: Of course. bus right now? I think it’s just lost its meaning. But rible about that. Nardwuar: Isn’t that awesome? Wayne: Well I don’t know if I have Kevin Shields, he’s still a wonder- Wayne: I think they’re fourteen, Wayne: I’ve been in Oklahoma for it. I carried it on the tour so ful guy who will probably play seventeen, and twenty. Yeah. almost forty-three years and I’ve we played it a bunch on the Beck weird, strange guitar and make Nardwuar: Wayne Coyne of The never seen a tornado and a thou- tour and, um, I think it’s disturbing. weird recordings for the rest of his Flaming Lips, thank you very much sand of them come through there It really is. life, but I don’t actually think it’ll for your time. I really appreciate it. every year and a couple of them Nardwuar: Well, what does he do? be called My Bloody Valentine. Wayne: Well, thank you sir, thank came through when I was home just Wayne: Well, he doesn’t last week, but I’ve only been answer questions very easily, to Canada you know, maybe like if you interviewed him he twelve times and I’ve seen the would cry and he may shit Northern Lights three times. himself or whatever, you Isn’t that wonderful? know? I mean… Nardwuar: It is Wayne Nardwuar: That’s my dream, Coyne. Wayne Coyne of The to interview Brian Wilson, Flaming Lips, why should Wayne Coyne of The Flaming people care about The Lips… Flaming Lips? Why should Wayne: I know, but you’ll people care? never do it because he’s just Wayne: Well, they shouldn’t too uncomfortable. care if they don’t want to. I Nardwuar: Well, actually it’s mean we make music and we my second dream because to hope people like it and music interview you is a real is a wonderful, wonderful dream… thing, so if you don’t like NARDWUAR THE HUMAN SERVIETTE Wayne: Well, that is what I music, I’m sure you won’t like was told… us. But if you like music, you Nardwuar: Because I was should be hopefully looking researching a bit about you for weird, wonderful things there, “Flaming Lipper,” and we would be one of those, “Wayner Coyner” and I heard hopefully, that people should that you don’t do interviews stumble upon. But the main before you play, that you only reason is because I think we communicate non-verbally. make optimistic music. You Wayne: [laughs] know when you have some Nardwuar: Somebody saw sadness or some tragedy in you before a show and you your life or something, some- were like [makes choking times you want to hear people noises]. who are seeing brighter side Wayne: Oh, well, that was of the universe or seeing true. If we play too many another way out of this thing nights in a row and then I talk, or whatever. And I think we and then I talk too much and represent that here and there, ‘cause I only have so much of sure. the voice and then bam! Nardwuar: Wayne Coyne, You’ve talked too much and you Nardwuar: Did you ever feel The you. I’m so sorry to take your time but can’t sing that night. So I had to do Flaming Lips were used as bait at Nardwuar: Is there anything else I’ve got one last question if that’s a bunch of interviews where I was all because you’ve been on Warner you want to add to the people out okay. just sort of faking it. They’d ask me Brothers all these years. Are you there at all? Wayne: Ahh, come on. What do questions and I’d shake my head, bait because, “Hey we got The Wayne: Um, to the Canadian folks, you got… yes or no. Flaming Lips, they’ve been here um, we love playing everywhere Nardwuar: One last question here. Nardwuar: You’re not faking it thirteen, fifteen years. You gotta we go or we wouldn’t play if we Michael Stipe. You scared him with today! sign with us.” didn’t love it. But I don’t want any- UFO stories years ago. Wayne: Exactly, because I knew if Wayne: [laughs] Well I only one to think that we would ever Wayne: I know… I talked too much then I wouldn’t recently felt that because yesterday avoid Canada because of its, um – Nardwuar: Has he always been be able to sing that night. But it was we played… you know, these are weird times weird? Has that dude always been really only for one day where I had Nardwuar: Do you feel a bit guilty and getting over borders and that weird? to do two interviews that were then? sort of stuff can be more difficult. Wayne: He has and I thought going to be on TV and stuff. Wayne: No, I love it now. I never No, it’s wonderful that we have an maybe in the last few years, maybe Nardwuar: Have the boom-box knew how good it felt to be bait audience here and hopefully we’ll he finally wouldn’t be weird, but experiments ever gone wrong? before, but I do know because yes- get to travel to go to Montreal and recently we played Athens, Georgia Wayne: Everything goes wrong all terday we played with this band, Toronto regardless of the mad cow and we scared him off again. the time but that’s the beauty of the girl who sings in the band is disease. Nardwuar: Thanks very much being in a band and accepting what- fourteen years old so that’s bait-ish Nardwuar: And it’s cool that you Wayne Coyne. Keep on rockin’ in ever challenges come along. Yeah, already. like it because you’re a test market. the free world and doot doola doot they would go wrong all the time, Nardwuar: Ba-BOOM! If you like it, you’re a test market. doo? but I like it when you’re kind of Wayne: I know! They’re big fans You’re a test band. Wayne: [laughs] What? You forced to improvise or just do of The Flaming Lips because we’ve Wayne: And some of my greatest always do that “bum bum.” things. Yeah, of course, yeah. played their hometown , adventures, I’ve actually seen the Nardwuar: Yes! Thank you! Nardwuar: Wayne Coyne of The probably about one hundred Northern Lights three times while Flaming Lips, will My Bloody times, so they grew up with us and I’ve been in Canada and that’s mar- –Nardwuar the Human Serviette Valentine ever make another so when Warner Brothers went to velous, so yeah. Here’s the, the

NOMNOM DEDE PLUME TITO

Friday afternoon the water resembled milk but a little more on the brown side. The kids couldn’t get enough of that pool. Kids of all ages, too. Kids in diapers.

227TH brown side. The kids couldn’t get startled by a man driving a car up fruit, vegetable and household I used to live in the second to enough of that pool. During the hot and down the street rattling off product needs. And at least once a last apartment building at the end of months there seemed to never be an what seemed to be a manifesto of week a guy would knock on my a dead end street. The first thing empty moment in that thing. Kids sorts in rapid-fire Spanish through door holding two buckets – one you would notice when you turned of all ages, too. Kids in diapers. a megaphone. I had no idea what he with cheese and one with steaks. onto my street was the enormous Speaking of kids, I was the was saying. He came around at amount of trash piled up at the dead only person in the building who least every other night. For weeks I end. I never actually saw it happen lived alone. Every other apartment thought (I hoped) he was spouting FOR THOSE ABOUT but I guess people used my street as was occupied by a family. There off some kind of political speech – TO ROCK... their dumping ground because they were families of seven living in trying to rally the troops or con- This was the loudest neighborhood were too lazy to take their trash to some of those one bedroom apart- vince his fellow immigrant workers I ever lived in. It was the loudest an alley like any other self-respect- ments. I was always convinced that to unionize. One night I left my neighborhood I’ve ever even been ing person would. everyone thought I was weird. I apartment to walk to the video store to. There were parties every week- Trash wasn’t the only thing that must have been weird. Why would just as my favorite political activist end like clockwork. I don’t mean people would leave on my street. a single white guy want to live in a pulled his rickety station wagon that someone would have a little get Parking was always next to impos- neighborhood of Mexican families? onto my street. As he started in with together at their place on a Friday sible because it seemed like anyone Most of the kids seemed to like me. his diatribe he was flagged down by night, I mean the whole street who owned a large truck of any They either liked me or were a man and his two kids. He stopped would get into it: live bands, fire- kind knew that they didn’t need to intrigued by the local weirdo. his car and a woman opened the works, light shows. pay a lot fee to keep it parked legal- Whenever I would do something tailgate from the inside and started Weeknights were no ly because cops never rolled outside like work on my car there slopping soup, rice and beans out of library either. One night I woke in a through this neighborhood, so the would be at least one little kid try- large pots wrapped in towels. This flash as someone was blaring their street was full of landscaping and ing to help me. They rarely talked guy had no political agenda at all; music in the wee hours of the night. moving trucks. Thankfully, I had to me. The ones who were too he wasn’t trying to enlighten any- I quickly gathered my senses and young to be in school didn’t even one with his views. He was shout- realized that the music was coming TITO

my own parking space in the lot all pictures by Tito provided by my apartment build- speak English. One day a little girl ing. asked me if I was rich. I thought it ing out his wife’s menu so they from the house next door to my The building itself wasn’t that was a funny question and, of could pay the rent. DIY catering building and it was outside – direct- bad. There were sixteen one bed- course, I said no. service. ly under my window. It was 2:00 in room apartments – I lived in num- In fact, after a while I found out the morning. The song came to an ber nine, the first one on the second RALLY THE that you didn’t really have to leave end and there was a long pause. floor. Below my apartment was the PROLETARIAT... the street at all to take care of your Cool, I thought, they were just test- pool. I never even dipped a toe in it. The kids were only a small part of daily business. Every morning the ing out their new outdoor sound The pool was cleaned every the color of this neighborhood. It tamale guy would come around system with one tune just to see Thursday and by Friday afternoon seemed like every night there was selling sweet corn breakfast treats. how it kicks. Now everything will the water resembled milk but a lit- something interesting going on. Twice a week a produce truck be back to normal. Before I could 36 tle more on the The first night I spent there, I was would come by with all of your get back to sleep another song kicked in. Fuck. Okay, they just looked around to see if anyone else need to run another song through was there to take care of it – I have the system and then it will be all to admit that I didn’t want to deal over. No such luck. Immediately with it; I figured that I could pass it after the song ended another one on to someone else if that person fired up. This song sounded famil- were around. No such luck. I came iar. It was the same song that was up with the brilliant plan to fill the just played, which, now that I bucket that I kept underneath my thought about it, was also the first bathroom sink to catch the water song that was played. This guy is that leaked from the drain pipe and playing the same song over and dump it on the fire. I ran up to old over, I thought. He must really be number nine and filled the bucket trying to ring out the EQ on this (that probably held no more than new system. After the same song two gallons). After dumping its played about five more times I real- contents on the fire (which at this ized something that I think I knew point was raging a good three feet all along but didn’t want to admit: above the rim of the dumpster) I this wasn’t a guy playing the same quickly realized that it would take song over and over again, this was me hundreds of trips to get this a live band practicing the same thing put out. Now the dumpster song over and over again. Outside. was making loud popping sounds At 2:00 in the morning. On a fuck- as the metal was buckling from the ing weeknight. heat. My only guess as to why this Finally, someone else came was happening was that all of these around. I held up my bucket and guys work at different times so the shrugged my shoulders in kind of only chance that all of them had to an I-don’t-know-what-to-do-about- get together at the same time was this-raging-fire kind of way. He really late at night. And I could just raised up his index finger to tell me hear one of the guys in the band to hang on for a second. He came now, “Oh, we can practice at my back with a length of hose that was place but my wife and kids will be no longer than twelve feet. I knew sleeping so we have to do it out- that this thing would not reach the side.” Thanks a lot guys. Brilliant. dumpster from where the faucet was and moving the dumpster clos- ARSON OR er to the faucet was out of the ques- DIRTY DIAPERS? tion. So, I quickly screwed the hose One day as I pulled my car into my onto the faucet, cranked it up as designated parking space (which high as it would go, pressed my industrial sized potholders so they called punk communities but noth- was right next to the wall that thumb on the end to allow maxi- wouldn’t burn themselves. When ing could ever compare to the sense seemed to lean more and more mum pressure and held my arm at the dumpster was close enough for of community that I felt on that toward my car everyday) I noticed 60 degrees to arch the stream into the hose to be placed inside I hand- street. Everyone was invited to the ed it over to a kid who was standing barbecue. next to me and retired. I knew that I never saw or even heard of a everything was under control at crime being committed (something that point. that I can’t say about ANY other For the rest of the time that I neighborhood I’ve lived in in my lived in that building I would see whole life). I rarely ever locked my that dumpster that was scarred door and even if I did you could black on the outside and smile. easily enter through the kitchen Much later a friend told me that window that didn’t lock. sometimes, on hot days, dirty dia- Sometimes I even left my keys in pers will catch on fire in outdoor my car. dumpsters. I’m not sure that I I wasn’t the only white person believe that, but it sounds pretty on the street. In the last few months good. that I was living there, two sisters moved into one of the apartments WHERE’S MY UNITY? in my building. They hated it. No one ever really came over to Sometimes they would complain to that apartment. I honestly think that me about how shitty the neighbor- I have too many honky friends who hood was and how the building see a neighborhood like that and wasn’t well kept. I’m not your immediately think that it’s a bad white shoulder to cry on. I like this a waft of smoke pass by me. I got the dumpster. place. I don’t know if it’s just plain place. out of the car thinking that some- After about five minutes a old racism seeing a 99% Mexican I finally left that apartment to thing under my hood was smoking small crowd had formed. After ten population and running for the hills move into a house with roommates (I had been having radiator prob- minutes I knew that my arms were or if the culture shock was just too so I could lower my expenses. lems at the time). As I opened the about to give out. The stream of much. I admit that I was a bit When I took a job at a pizza parlor hood, another cloud of smoke water that I had been shooting into shocked for the first week that I a few years later there was a sign passed by. I knew that it wasn’t the dumpster wasn’t putting much lived there and then I realized that that listed a few neighborhoods coming from my car but I wasn’t of a dent into the flame. By this this neighborhood was as real as it under the heading: Do Not Deliver. sure where it was coming from. time, I had help. Two guys had gets. I had never in my life seen a On that list was the 1300 block of On the other side of the leaning started dumping in buckets full of neighborhood band together the 227th Street. Fuckin’ honkys. wall was the building’s dumpster. water. After fifteen minutes two way that they did on that street. I’ve –Tito And now it was on fire. Not the others got the idea to push the lived in houses with as many as dumpster itself, but the contents. I dumpster closer using towels as eight roommates and lived in so- Hatemyjob31@.com 90803

AYN IMPERATO

She just gave it to me. Trusted me openly, maybe blindly, to take all her secrets and take good care of her life. And it’s because she trusted and respected me, that I did. pagne ? They would be so perfect for my party next week. But Moss Balllls drop them from the belly of the plane! I need them fast!” “Singing champagne flutes. When I lived in San Francisco, Right.” And she bursts into laugh- I worked for a while as a personal ter. I am so cynical she thinks it’s a assistant. It was pretty decent pay riot. It’s like our running joke. I and, if nothing else, every day was don’t think anyone has ever been so never the same as the next. The blunt or honest with her in her life. position consisted mostly of per- I pause with a ball in my hand. “I’ll forming basic and often meaning- just put those overdue tax bills on less tasks – everything from paying my desk aside and look for singing bills and answering email to order- flutes.” ing a staggering number of pain “Forget taxes,” she cries. pills in obscene strengths from “Singing flutes!” She cackles and online websites. The lady I worked heads back down the hall to her for was eccentric, festive and she room. liked to drink. Earlier in the week my job for The apartment I worked at had the day was to track down a topiary a panoramic view of the Bay plant for her hallway – a specific Bridge, Coit Tower, The one with the right amount of tiers, Transamerica building and Treasure the right height, etc. I spent half the Island. Looking out each window day tracking just the right one was like watching a real-life San down, then picked it up and brought Francisco postcard in motion. Giant it up to her apartment. She placed it cargo ships would sail by and glide in her main hallway where we under the bridge – you could see the passed by it every day. state of the local economy by how At first, everything was fine. many ships would or wouldn’t sail KAT JETSON But after a day or so, a spider web AYN IMPERATO by that week. Often my job was to AND GOOSE began to form. At first it was just a arrange flowers in the kitchen or few white, light hairs on the upper prepare food while drinking rum tier. Then it spread, slowly, into a and cokes and watching the ships multi-layered web-nest, spanning pass outside the window. Yes, I said all three tiers of the plant. My boss rum and cokes. I was a stand-in for noticed it then – I mean you could- an employee. And that’s why I They’re green. They’re covered most in that she knows she is weird. n’t miss it – it was like arachnopho- stayed. Mostly, it was easy. with moss. I had to arrange them in She revels in it. I think it was even bia in her entryway, and she began Sometimes I had to make little this gigantor cream-colored ceram- my job to confirm this weirdness. I to holler, “That web! Ahhh! The crafts that she read about in maga- ic pot. I sat there looking at them. think there is something in all that web!” She locked herself in the and wanted to try, but not How does a person arrange these… Fendi perfume and idle time that bedroom and would barely leave, really do the work herself. I would these giant green balls? muddles and distorts a person’s per- except to hurry to the kitchen to eat. just sit there at the table and make “Make them look like food for ception. I told her I would get rid of it, but little napkin rings out of twigs and the gods!” she shouted from inside. My boss rounds the corner. she wouldn’t hear of it. She simply dried leaves for Thanksgiving or I paused and stared. Food for the “Would you see if you can find my couldn’t deal. “The spider,” she string cranberries and bay leaves Gods. Moss balls. I’m just not sure Marabou slides?” I look up. She’s said, “wherever it is, will get loose for the fireplace mantle. I was a why ancient supernatural deities wearing an orange facemask and a in the house. Just leave it alone!” punk rock Martha Stewart in a little would choose algae-covered leopard caftan. She continues in all Then the spider came out. It apron and a studded pyramid belt. I spheres as their dinner. I’m not seriousness, “I kicked them behind was a monstrous spider, nearly an gained many new, unusable skills. I even sure they would eat at all, the dresser a few days ago. And inch and a half long without the still can’t cook to save my soul but, being unable to, I don’t know, die when you find them I can put them legs. When you walked by it would damn it, can I make a mean and all. But what do I know? It’s on, kick them off again and make us scurry towards your end of the web, Christmas garland. not my job to know. I just moved all vodka gimlets!” prompted by, I can only guess, One day I had to arrange these them around and let the moss balls “Uh, yeah,” I nod, still working vibrations from feet passing on the moss balls in a giant Roman urn on do the talking. on the urn. “Gimlets. Yeah.” wood floor. My boss would just cry the porch. What is a moss ball you If nothing else I have deter- “Hey, when you’re done would out every time she passed, “Aaugh! ask? I’m still not sure I know. mined one thing. Rich people are you also look online and see if you The web!” and the spider would They’re round. weird. My boss is different than can dig up some singing cham- 38 scurry towards her. And even though she turned pale with grief at the very And then there was the downtime. I found thought of it, she wouldn’t remove it for days. it in strange places. Standing over the copy When I completed one of my menial machine, waiting for copies of recipes of tasks, she would cry out and act like I’d per- seared asparagus casseroles, I could jot down formed a near Herculean event, though they a few ideas for songs or stories. Waiting in were mediocre at best. Even bringing her a tall line at the grocery store was a moment to glass of wine, when I sensed she was stressed, work on some lyrics in my head or write some would bring about extravagant praise. “You quick idea on my hand. I wonder what it must are amazing! Pure genius! Thank you!” be like to not have to work and have nothing We drank beer when we were working, but time to do these creative things. I can’t champagne when we were celebrating. Of even picture life without coming home from course my accounting got a little funny after some shitty job with a fist full of paper scraps several beers in the afternoon. At how many with little guitar chords jotted down on them. jobs can you show up, be incredibly hung over I don’t think a person can truly claim to be and it is really, really all right? In those cases an adult unless they’ve worked at some crum- she fetched me Advil and offered up a bloody my job they hate for a few years. Some say it mary to kill the pain. builds character. I think it defines it. If you can She was very thoughtful like that at times. work through that for a few years and still find She wouldn’t let me lick the envelopes when I it in you to do what you love – after work, on paid the bills – she says the glue they use is weekends, at breaks, or in my case over the bad. So I had to run them along a tiny wet copy machine – then you’ve beat it. If you sponge she bought specifically for that pur- give up your dreams and just push them aside pose. or develop an alcohol or drug addiction – then She had a small room dedicated to the it’s got you. Work makes you stronger if in dog. Inside were an impressive array of dog- only that it builds the desire for something gie treats – from liva snaps to yogurt-beef else. That frustration can be fuel for the fire if drops. And blue piddle pads, for when she you let it, not the water that puts it out. And if couldn’t take the dog out for a few days. It you are lucky enough to one day not have to was one of my many tasks to walk the dog, a go to a shitty day job every day, you will seri- beige Shitzu, on occasion. If I was too busied ously appreciate that freedom. up looking for singing champagne flutes or Freedom. Outside one of the big bay win- stringing holiday garland, then the dog used dows, a flock of wild green and yellow parrots those pads. Thankfully, it was not my job to streaks by. Yes, you heard me. Wild parrots. In change them. I didn’t even go near them. I the middle of the city. It seems that someone’s fear the piddle pads. I just threw a few liva pets escaped years ago and spawned a whole snaps in the room and closed the door or colony of squawking green birds. They launch clipped on the leash and took her outside, far simultaneously from a large tree under Coit away from traumatic blue cloth pee-pads. Tower, a giant white phallic-shaped landmark from the past, and swoop down all together Why did I work this basically meaning- through the Telegraph Hill valley, squawking less position? Why did I give up other offers all the way. They circle over the building tops for slightly better paying, more glamorous and back up to a giant tree, which serves as sounding jobs? Because of the extreme flexi- their perch. I liked to sit there on a break and bility that it allowed – if I wanted to take a day watch the freakishly colored birds. There were or a month off to kick around Hawaii or none of these magic things in our neck of the Thailand, or go on tour with my band, I could. city. Maybe because there are no trees there. No explanations, no fears. I knew I’d have a In my neighborhood we have gray, strutting job when I got back and that she’d be happy to birds who hoot and peck for any scrap they see me. Also there was the matter of the pay. can find on the ground. Not an exotic parrot in It was really good, especially considering the sight. I think of how this reflects our general mainly unskilled labor required, plus the ben- status in life. They get parrots. We get efits – free booze. And I could literally roll out pigeons. of bed, throw on jeans or Dickies and put my hair up and I was dressed for work, since my Working as a personal assistant can be a boss would in all likelihood still be in pajamas very intimate view into a person’s life. My when I got there. And wearing hose and heels person had health issues, so I managed her would be laughable while hosing down the doctor files and medicines along with every- garden upstairs. thing else. I took care of her when she was It wasn’t all vodka gimlets and garland sick, and partied with her when she was feel- though – some days, especially around the ing really, really well. I learned a lot at this holidays, were really stressful, and managing job, though. She has taught me much, in a the bills and virtually all the money coming in way. More than piddle pads or toxic envelope and out was a pretty grim and huge task. There glue. It’s about trust, to the point of near were days I left, went home and straight to insanity – just handing it away to a near sleep. There was this one day I was left to try stranger. She trusted me with her life, with to reconstruct all the expenses from an entire every bank account, credit card number, social previous year, for the upcoming taxes. In the security number, all her personal health issues next room she played R&B songs for the bet- and many, many secrets. She just gave it to ter part of the day while I attempted to recon- me. Trusted me openly, maybe blindly, to take struct her financial life in the next room with all her secrets and take good care of her life. a ballpoint pen and several sheets of copy And it’s because she trusted and respected me, paper. I can’t forget that long, frustrating day that I did. when I could hear Aretha Franklin singing, “Freedom… Freedom… Freedom!” growing –Ayn quiet in the distance as I left.

LAZYLAZY MICKMICK MONEY

is often included in the ranks of protest literature, and it deserves its place there.

In the olden days of sail, unruly seamen At least, this is what they told me. could expect to be punished swiftly and severe- I spent the next few days fretting over my ly, but the punishment was probably not as grue- fate. The trouble that had been shadowing me some or barbaric as we have been led to believe. for over a year had finally arrived, and there was The easiest way to discipline a sailor was to no ducking out of it this time. I would have to threaten to take away his rum or tobacco ration. stand before The Man and take my licks. When this didn’t produce the desired results Once the charges were officially drawn up, (and it almost always did) life afloat without a the master-at-arms summoned me to the goat daily draught of grog or pinch of tobacco soon locker where I was paraded before an assembly brought the scoundrel to his senses. of chief petty officers. Although they had the Only in extreme cases like theft was it nec- power to dismiss the charges if they felt they essary to resort to corporal punishment. The were not worthy of further investigation, they thief was tied to the mainmast – the symbol of never did. the Captain’s sexual power – and beaten with The master-at-arms announced which arti- whatever was handy, usually a rope end. Scenes cles of the Uniform Code of Military Justice I’d of jack-tars being brutally flogged were rare. violated, and it was a long list. Assaulting a mil- Able-bodied seamen were difficult to replace in itary police officer. Resisting arrest. Drunk and the middle of long ocean voyages, and it was disorderly. Refusing to submit military ID. impractical to incapacitate the help. Disobeying a direct order. The longer the mas- Though such displays were less frequent ter-at-arms read, the more embarrassed I than Hollywood would have us believe, history became, and then he got to the kicker: threaten- tells us it was not unheard of for captains to flog ing a military police officer. It wasn’t so much MONEY their men just for shits and giggles. When a flog- that I’d made threats, it was the ridiculous nature ging was unavoidable, it was turned into a gaudy of my threat, which he then read: “If I had a dol- spectacle to humiliate the offending seaman lar, I’d kick your ass.” before his mates, thereby deterring them from This produced more than a few grins and following his example. Over time, the dispens- chuckles among the lifers smoking cigarettes ing of punishment became as solemn as a court and drinking coffee, but Chief Cleveland put a proceeding, as ceremonial as a theatrical pro- stop to that. duction and as ritualized as a visit to a high-end Richard Henry Dana, Jr. “Do you think this is funny?” boudoir. “No, Chief,” I said. That all changed in 1840 when Richard “You’re damn right it isn’t,” he snapped, Henry Dana. Jr. published Two Years Before the although clearly many of his peers disagreed; on Mast, a stirring account of his voyage around the the contrary, they thought it was fucking hyster- Horn from Boston to . Dana, a com- ical. mon seaman, witnessed a flogging while his Next I was brought before the XO, the sec- brig, the Pilgrim, was anchored off San Pedro. ond in command, who was in charge of con- Thereafter he pledged to “do something to ducting a formal inquiry into the matter. He, too, redress the grievances and relieve the suffer- could dismiss the charges but the chances of that ings” of working seaman everywhere, and his happening were slim to nil. wildly popular narrative brought flogging to the The master-at-arms read off the charges public’s attention. By 1850, corporal punish- again while the XO surveyed my paperwork. ment was banned aboard all Navy vessels. When he got to the part about me being a badass Thus, thanks to Dana, the security personnel short of a buck, he shook his head and glared at who intercepted me the fateful night I decided to me. assault base security guards in made My father was the XO on his last surface sure they got their licks in before I was brought command. When I asked him what his job into custody. The Navy may have eliminated the entailed he told me it was about dealing with the lash, but they sure as hell didn’t spare the rod details so the CO didn’t have to. He used to when I was face down and spread eagle on the complain that he spent 90% of his time dealing asphalt, clearly resisting arrest. with the 10% of the crew who were dirtbags – They hauled me on board in handcuffs and his word – and the remaining 10% with the 90% leg restraints and presented to the Officer of the who were good guys. If there was any doubt Deck, who sent me below to the forward crew’s before there was none now: I was officially one lounge where I was presided over by a specially of the dirtbags. assigned watch until I sobered up. The next day they scheduled Captain’s 42 Mast, a disciplinary hearing during going to college and joined the Navy to which the CO considers the facts and get my shit together. (The party school imposes nonjudicial punishment – more where I ended up was no Ivy League serious than an administrative slap on school, but work with me here.) When I the wrist, less serious than a full-on read these words – “A sailor’s life is at court-martial. Such punishments could best but a mixture of a little good with include a formal reprimand, reduction in much evil, and a little pleasure with rate, forfeiture of pay and the dreaded 45 much pain. The beautiful is mixed with & 45: forty-five days restricted liberty, the revolting, the sublime with the com- forty-five days extra duty. Captain’s monplace, and the solemn with the ludi- Mast was a lot like court except there crous.” – I knew Dana had just joined was no jury and no counsel – just the , Hunter S. Thompson and CO, the master-at-arms and me. Joey Ramone in my pantheon of per- I was standing at parade rest near the sonal heroes. exercise equipment when the master-at- Who was this guy? Richard Henry arms come out of the lounge and Dana was an eighteen-year-old kid addressed me by my rank and surname. brought low by an attack of measles I’d finally been promoted to a full- that left his eyesight too weak for the fledged seaman – E3 on the pay scale – rigors of academic pursuits at Harvard but I didn’t think I would be one for University. His blueblood father, who much longer. was friends with Robert Louis I went inside. The lights were on and Stevenson, among others, offered to the CO stood at a podium in the corner. send him on a trip to India. Dana The master-at-arms indicated that I was declined, joined the merchant navy, and to stand at attention before the podium, the next thing he knew he was bucket- so I did. I was extremely nervous. I ing about the Atlantic on a ship less would have much preferred to have been than eighty feet in length doing all secured to a bulkhead and flogged; at kinds of Byzantine things with gaffs least then I wouldn’t have to look the and guys, booms and braces, stays and CO in the eye. sails. He was appalled at the way sea- The articles were read and I waited men were treated in the best of condi- with dread for the master-at-arms to get tions, and when things got ugly he wit- to the part about how it was a good thing nessed wrongs he swore to right. When I didn’t have a dollar or there would be he returned to Boston in 1835, he went hell to pay. The master-at-arms hammed I was face down and spread eagle on back to Harvard and on to law school, it up for the CO, as if he was just as where he became an expert in maritime shocked and outraged as he was, the the asphalt, clearly resisting arrest. law. Whenever he had a spare hour or MONEY cocksucker. The CO did not pussyfoot two he worked on the book about his around. He looked down at his paper- experiences at sea. When it was pub- work and dispensed my sentence, more They hauled me on board in lished in 1840, it was an overnight sen- for the master-at-arms benefit then sation. mine, as he did not bother looking at me. handcuffs and leg restraints and It’s hard to overestimate the influ- “Forfeiture of half of one month’s presented to the Officer of the Deck. ence of Two Years Before the Mast. As pay for two months. Forty-five days Harold Langley wrote in Social Reform restricted liberty. Forty-five days extra in the United States Navy, 1798-1862, duty. Effective immediately. Do you “Dana’s work was widely read, and his have anything to add?” pledge was fulfilled beyond his expec- “No, sir.” tations. His words added to the growing “You are dismissed.” literature of protest on the subject of I did an about face and exited the flogging.” Not everyone viewed Dana’s compartment feeling a mixture of disap- book as a step in the right direction. pointment and relief. While it sucked When Dana’s father’s famous friend, that I was going to be stuck on the ship Robert Louis Stevenson, read the book for the next six weeks, I was grateful not that had all of Boston enthralled, he was to have been demoted; but mostly I was outraged: “With several hundred rude just glad it was over. I had the strangest beings confined within the narrow lim- feeling of déjà vu, like I’d just been its of a vessel, men of all nations and of grounded and had my allowance taken the lowest habits, it would be to the last away. degree indiscreet, to commence their reformation by relaxing the bonds of discipline, under the mistaken impulses While I was enjoying my restricted of a false philanthropy. It has a lofty liberty (or eyeball liberty, as my ship- sound, to be sure, to talk about mates called it, because it was liberty American citizens being too good to be you enjoyed with your eyeballs) I final- brought under the lash, upon the high ly got around to reading Dana’s Two seas; but he must have a very mistaken Years Before the Mast. It did not take can chugging twenty-one knots-per-nautical mile, spewing notion who does not see that tens of long for me to realize this Dana charac- black smoke out of the stacks. I felt a strong affinity toward thousands of these pretending persons ter was on to something: “There is not so Dana. The intensity of his dissatisfaction with his life at sea on shore, even, would be greatly bene- helpless and pitiable an object in the rivaled my own. “I had often read of the nautical experiences fited by a little judicious flogging.” In world as a landsman beginning a sailor’s of others, but I felt there could be none worse than mine; for, in other words: praise be to God and don’t life.” Amen to that – and that was just addition to every other evil, I could not but remember that this spare the rod. page two. On every page I found a was the first night of a two years’ voyage.” Despite the pressure from his description of an event that echoed I was in for two years. Dana was on a two-year journey. I father’s peers who, like the farmers something I’d witnessed or experienced was a squid, a non-rate, a deck ape. Dana was a common sea- who employ migrant workers or cloth- myself, some 150 years later, on a tin man, a jack-tar. Dana had left Harvard to go to sea. I’d put off ing manufacturers who utilize foreign sweatshop laborers today, stood to lose profits his own. Thus began Herman Melville’s literary writer with immense gifts, his father was if they were forced to pay their sailors a decent career, a man whom is regarded today as the wealthy and well-connected; but when the wage and provide them with sanitary accom- father of American letters. Pilgrim lost sight of land and he was alone modations and adequate food, Dana soldiered Today there is replica of the boat upon upon the ocean, Dana was nothing more and on. He wrote The Seaman’s Friend, a legal which Dana sailed to California. It’s located at nothing less than a common sailor. His experi- manual for sailors that did as much to help a little harbor in Orange County in a city that ence at sea was a short chapter of his life, of inform them of their rights as men as it did to bears the name of its most famous crewman: which he dismissively referred to his Two Years educate sailors about the vagaries of Before the Mast as a footnote. Some being a contract employee of a ship- remember him as a man of letters; oth- ping company. ers see him as a man of the law, a man Two Years Before the Mast is of principles. I choose to remember often included in the ranks of him as a man who changed the world protest literature, and it deserves its on the strength of his convictions. place there, but for most people in I never went to Captain’s Mast 1840 – well before the Gold Rush – again, but I never went to Harvard it gave readers their first glimpses either. I got out of the Navy and of California, which was then part although I’ve done a half-assed job of of Mexico. Adventure seekers and staying out of trouble, I haven’t kicked entrepreneurs alike paid close atten- anyone’s ass for a dollar (the opposite tion to Dana’s vivid and accurate cannot be said to be true with any descriptions of the communities degree of certainty). Like Dana, I have along California’s coastline. Take a story to tell, a story that is every bit as this passage from a visit to Santa solemn and ludicrous and common- Barbara: “The country abounds in place and revolting as Two Years grapes, yet they buy, at a great Before the Mast, perhaps even more so. price, bad wine made in Boston.” I haven’t changed the world yet, and MONEY Descriptions like these raised more I’m pretty sure it’s not my place to than a few eyebrows and caused even try. Unlike Dana, I have few con- many of reader to pack his bags and victions, and would be hard-pressed to head round the Horn to seek his fortune in Dana Point. At the harbor entrance is a statue of articulate them (The West Memphis 3 are inno- California. Richard Henry Dana, Jr. striking a romantic cent? Never say “one more” to a bartender? Be Perhaps Dana’s most famous reader was a pose as he stares out to sea. It’s a beautiful stat- nice to your mom?) But in one sense old Boston sailor who, upon returning from an ue, and I’m pretty sure Dana would hate it. It Richard Henry Dana, Jr. and I are exactly alike: uneventful crossing to Liverpool and back, aspires to be sublime and ignores the common- you cannot stop us from expressing what we caught the buzz about Two Years Before the place, much less the revolting. believe in. We will not be dismissed. Mast and picked up a copy. What he read elec- Sure, Dana had opportunities that were not –Money trified him, and inspired him to pen stories of available to his shipmates. He was intelligent, a

d! ille et K ’s G Let

Interview by Bradley Williams Photos by Jeff Johnson

As I sit down to write this, the Immortal regional styles, all different, but the Bradley: Me, Bean, and JR went and had a Lee County Killers II are somewhere in region is never as important as the heart. double stack with cheese. What did you . Mr. J.R.R. Token (drums, At many a first glance a lot of musical have for lunch, sir? chains, vocals) and the honorable Chet history would seem lost to the waves of Chet: I had a grilled portobello mushroom “el Cheetah” Y. Z. (guitar, harmonica, urban expansion, but if you were to get sandwich, fries, and a coke. vocals) out somewhere in the wilds of out and get in the soupy heat, the voice Bradley: You’re going kind of light there. Europe… ah. Sounds good to me. But for might creep into you ears and stories Chet: I’m running on premium octane these a while they were in Southern California, would live. And you might see something days rather than the bargain fuel, the lower and I was able to convince them that, for that has fallen under the scope of the big octane fuel. My machine, my inner work- five days and five nights, it would be boys. Something primal. Something ings, need a little bit more gusto these days. worth their time to let me tag along, beautiful and ugly. I miss it. It is my Bradley: So you’re going for the gusto? drink beer, and do an interview. The home. But when I met up with the Killers The lifestyle? ILCK2 hail from a region of the country I was living in Southern California, and it Chet: Yeah. that is stacked with musical tradition. was approaching the hotter part of the Bradley: How would the gusto provided by There aren’t really any clubs to play in summer. Instead of the boiling the portobello mushroom sandwich help many places, and most bands down there Southeastern air there were waves of you to bite a man? constantly knock away in the boiling heat searing heat that rolled through the Chet: To bite a man? of house shows. They do it for themselves. streets of Los Angeles. Palm trees, and Bradley: Yes. How would you bite a man, They do it for you. The listing of bands In-n-Out Burgers. The Pacific and the Chet? down there, and the people who have sands. Two parts of the country, 2,000 Chet: To correctly bite a man, you do not contributed to the music that allows peo- miles apart, each enjoying the other, open your mouth completely wide because ple’s hearts to open to the world, is enor- making a new sound. The region is never if you do, it gives them access to your mous. It’s music that fights against the as important as the heart. It never is. mouth. They could fishhook you. It’s easier stifling stereotypes placed on the This interview took place mostly in to knock out a tooth. You’re also not trying Southeast. Los Angeles traffic. Ladies and gentle- to take a chunk of flesh out of a human Jazz, the blues, yeah, they had their men, I give you the Immortal Lee County being. You’re trying to cause them pain. roots in the south. In each state there are Killers II! Bradley: How many men have you bitten, Chet? Chet: I haven’t bitten any man yet, but I would bite a man if I had to. Bradley: Why would you bite a man? Chet: If it’s between me and death or my portobello mushroom sandwich, I would bite a man. I have bitten women and I was not trying to cause pain, either. It was more of a pleasure type of sensation. More of a nibble. Bradley: So you bite men and nibble women? Chet: Right on the verge of pain. Right on the threshold. Bradley: So, you would say that you bite men but nibble women? Chet: Right. Well, nibble is… I don’t know, I guess nibble is… it’s… when you bite a man or a woman who’s trying to hurt you, it’s a self defense bite. Then it’s pain. If it’s pleasure then it’s right on the thresh- reputation as being a formidable dog trainer. ing on some good poetry and if the dumbass old of pain. It’s a tantalizing bite. JR: Yeah, I can train dogs. hadn’t killed himself early, he probably Bradley: This next question was posed to Bradley: I remember one trick where you would have become a good poet, but I don’t me by an undisclosed, absentee participant leashed your dog (Ozzy) to your belt, when think calling him a religious shaman is fair. in this interview. Why don’t you grow a you walked down the street. Saying that someone can lead people in a mustache, Cheetah? JR: Yeah, he learned how to heel good. religious manner to save their souls or trans- Chet: Because mustaches look goofy on me Bradley: Learned how to heel good – Heel, fer their spirits is quite a burden to put on and I don’t want to. Ozzy! someone who’s twenty-seven years old. I Bradley: It wouldn’t go well with the por- JR: Yeah. think that’s kinda all blown up in a negative tobello mushroom? Bradley: Who is the Worlds Greatest manner to where Morrison is emphasized, Chet: Yeah, I think a mushroom on my face Drummer (WGD)? rather than the Doors music, and Morrison would look bad, and I think a mustache also Chet: That would be J.R.R. Token. I’ll as a mystical figure has turned into would look bad on my face, but that’s just answer that one. Morrison as a teen-idol. The Doors have my personal feeling. I mean I look sexy in Bradley: What constitutes a great drum- almost ended up becoming a parody of many different looks and fashions, and I mer? I mean, there’s a lot of drummers, I’m themselves, especially with this new stuff probably would look fucking great in a sure you can’t be the fuckin’ best. they’re doing. It’s a shame. Really, they’re mustache, but I have to do things for me. I JR: ‘Cause cain’t none of these damned lit- just an innovative, great rock and roll band have to feel good about me. And when I see tle mealy-mouthed sons of bitches hold a and there’s not many people who can say a mustache on my face I feel silly. And silly torch to this man right here. that, and it should have been left right there. can be entertaining, but I want to entertain Bradley: Mealy-mouthed? That’s a pretty fuckin’ great achievement. without being silly. And I think I have a JR: Little bastards. But anyways, I was reading a book about nice upper lip. I don’t want to cover it up. Bradley: What you been reading here late- the Pre-Raphaelites art movement. I want to Bradley: So mustaches are silly? ly, Cheetah? know more about the people who were

I wonder how many people would cringe if I said the South, rather than the coasts, shapes America.

Look through American History, brothers and sisters.

You will be surprised.

Chet: On me. In my eye. Now, like I said, Chet: Ah, I’ve read a book about the Doors. painting. another person could see a mustache on me Light My Fire by Ray Manzarek. At the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and they will probably think that it looks Bradley: It’s good stuff? Tour, they have a notebook of Morrison’s beautiful, but when I see it on me I think it’s Chet: It’s good stuff. I like the Doors. I like where he wrote lyrics. It was pretty cool. pretty silly. I’m a very self-conscious per- their story and I wanted to hear Ray We saw Hendrix’s notebook of lyrics. Otis son. Manzarek’s side, ‘cause I think he’s the one Redding’s airplane. That was sort of Bradley: J.R., do you think that a mustache who’s really the Doors image. He intense. might help you on the cell phone? You was a great keyboard player and a great Bradley: You’re here in Los Angeles, you seem to have a way with the cell phone. (He musician. Whether or not he knows, know, “come on baby light my fire.” This is doesn’t like to use them.) whether or not he realizes what he’s done to the land of the Doors. How’s that been for JR: Well, the mustache keeps your cell the Doors rep. He turned into you? There’s a big ass painting of him over phone clean, I guess. some sort of pop icon and so-called shaman in Hollywood. Bradley: You have a reputation as a pizza when I think it’d be much better served to Chet: Yeah, I saw that. I don’t know how I dough tosser? remember Jim Morrison as a great rock and feel about big murals. I guess it’s not really JR: Well ol’ Token cain’t do much, but he roll singer. any of my business. I just like to remind can make you a mean pizza though. Bradley: More so than Jim Morrison the folks, every once in a while, that there’s a Bradley: Cain’t do much? Some would beg poet? lot of hype. to differ JR. You have quite an underground Chet: No, I think Jim Morrison was work- Bradley: Chet, with the 49 ILCK2 you seem to have focused more on all. Human beings appreciate the truth. blues and so called “finer” or “trained” arts. influences that were hinted at with the They appreciate others who are willing to The title Love Is a Charm of Powerful Quadrajets (the previous band Chet was in) share their being and feeling. The reason Trouble is derived from Bill Shakespeare i.e. songs like “John Lee Hooker Is My why is simple: we’re all going through simi- (Macbeth). And I mine William Carlos Heavy Metal.” Are you able to focus more lar trials and tribulations on our way toward Williams, WB Yeats, and Dylan Thomas on your influences with the ILCK2? our first death and transference. We like to for lyrics just as much as JL Hooker. They Chet: Absolutely. The Quadrajets definitely hear of other’s personal victories and are all great artists and poets. ILCK2 is not functioned as a group. The whole equaled defeats. Helps us with our own struggle. interested in ethnocentrism, racism, purism, more than the sum of the parts. Meaning, The struggle makes for the human passion I or self-righteous intellectualism. We’re the group mind wrote the best music. so dearly love and makes for a fucking fun interested in good music. Sound is a form of Therefore, my personal wants, needs, and time. communication. The spoken language contributions did not allows for direct com- manifest. I did sneak munication. Music some blues into the allows for empathy. Q-jets, like the song Both are used in art. you mentioned. Also, Art saves lives. When we did an original I kick my amp and the called “She Likes It,” feedback goes which swung like “whooom,” someone Hound Dog Taylor. in the audience is We did a great going to say, “That Howlin’ Wolf song dork feels like me.” and a Johnny Shines Bradley: How do the song. But most of the practices of Jeet Kun guys weren’t as into Do factor in? How blues as myself. We much a part of your converged some- song writing is pulled where in ‘70s from the fighting phi- , Rolling losophy of Bruce Lee? Stones, and Southern Chet: This could be a Rock. Great experi- whole interview unto ence. itself. Sifu Bruce Lee Bradley: From the turned the martial arts Essential Fucked Up world upside down. Blues, to Love is a First, he trained west- Charm of Powerful erners. Something Trouble, has there unheard of at the time. been any transforma- Second, and most tion in your sound? important, he created Chet: Yes. Essential a new style of martial bridged the Q-jets arts catering to the and ILCK. The first individual and free of ILCK record is loud, limitations. The world noisy, and fast of martial arts is almost all the way steeped in tradition through. I still was and dogma compara- working on a new ble to religion. Lee song writing direc- acted as a heretic to tion. We also wanted create an all-encom- to leave room for passing style which something new for covered all ranges of the follow up, which fighting, from kicking would be Love. We to grappling. And didn’t want to put all Individuals make up our world. No one knows better there is true emotional the cards on the table what to do for themselves than themselves. content in his style. first round. Not wise “The only limitation is for gamblers to do. no limitation.” Bradley: What factors are at work here? On a different level, ILCK is stirring up Martial arts, like music, is an artistic Looking at the song titles, we see themes the socio-ethnic pot by blatantly referencing expression. Consider why one fighter will of love, pain, and the blues, not just as a known blues greats. And sometimes with a choose to use his fists against an opponent state of being, but as blatant nods to the little bit of irreverence. Gotta keep things while another may decide to use chokes and greats. evolving. Gotta let people know that every- submissions. One draws blood while anoth- Chet: Great art always contains an emo- thing comes from the heart. Doesn’t matter er does not. Along with JKD, I also love tional charge. That charge gives the piece if you’re from white suburbia, like myself, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. energy and life. We try to put ourselves or the juke joints of Mississippi, like R. Martial arts differs from naked violence wholly into our songs. I still think I have Johnson; anyone can play blues. But the because of the ability to express individuali- some way to go before I can bear all to an blues changes from individual to individual. ty. There’s a difference between indiscrimi- audience. It’s hard to put everything on the Our experiences are different. The key to nate and intimate violence. There aren’t line for strangers. But, I’m much closer now the highway is honesty. guns, missiles, professional armies and than in the Quadrajets to tell Also, ILCK mix references between criminals, or weapons of mass killing 50 involved in the martial arts I’m referencing. words into succinct combination to best themselves than themselves. The people Only individuals pitted against individuals. describe life. Now, the clincher, you can have lost confidence in themselves. They Pussies use guns. To stare a person in the live another person’s life through their art. are scared and looking for others to solve eye and pit skill against skill is an entirely A good poem or song allows someone else their problems. In truth, any person is a different matter. to share the poet’s life. Just like if you’d dynamic, intelligent, and capable living Although two opponents are involved in been there. being. When folks realize this again, we an intimate physical and psychological dis- Bradley: Is there a revolution in sound won’t need these crooks running the game. course, the final goal of a martial arts duo is going on? We’ll run our own. With self-confidence not common. If one fighter sticks to tradi- Chet: I hope so. If not, we’re close to the and self-esteem comes integrity and respect. tion and textbook style, the opponent who end. The consequential socio-political systems creates something new during the fight, the Bradley: How does your revolution plan to will be anarchic in nature. The evolution of fighter who uses an original move, will win. deal with the battle between the power the world has to end in this point. Martial arts reward creativity absolutely. of the people and the power of the dollar? Otherwise, war and destruction will occur. With music, jazzers can play strict textbook Chet: We’re all interested in a revolution of Professional politics and governments are jazz standards all night long to applause. the spirit. I used to be more interested in based around an Us vs. Them mentality. Rock’n’roll or blues cover bands can play economic and political revolution. I felt that Politicians and cops are always drawing all night for significant amounts of money. the best political and economic organization battle lines. This is part of their job. Unfortunately in music, craftsmen and tech- would better facilitate my desire for humans Someday we the people will learn that battle nicians can be rewarded along with those to truly live free. “Free your mind and your lines aren’t the solution. Reasoning with who are original. Not oneself and others in martial arts. is the solution. The Personally, JKD has ‘Cause cain’t none of these damned little mealy-mmouthed sons of only solution for taught me to relax. living. I advocate Taught me more bitches hold a torch to this man right here. “power to the peo- about rhythm and fit- ple” in the truest ting in with another sense of the phrase. human being. Now, I Bradley: Do you listen more to feel a strong sense Token’s drums and of closeness with can fit to his changes your surroundings? and emotions better. Chet: I’m a believ- In music, the parties er in the “environ- involved work ment shapes the together to realize a personality” expla- common goal – nation in psychia- music. In martial try. I don’t think I arts, fighters must would have been so engage but there is a compelled to struggle. Therefore, explore soul music, my senses are being blues, and jazz if sharpened. If I can those forms of perform martial arts music weren’t all “in the void,” I cer- around me. I feel tainly can perform lucky to be from an music. When a fight- area of the world er or musician is in so vibrant with dif- the void, that means ferent cultures and they are completely their blending. The in the moment. Southern United Completely natural. Operating outside of ass will follow.” Now I’ve decided a revo- States holds characters from the worst white convention and thought. Pure music. Pure lution of the spirit must first occur, and then trash über-truck driving redneck storm- fighting. Total honesty charged with pure the proper socio-economic organization will trooper to William Faulkner to the most emotional content equals absolute art. The follow. To be more specific, the world is in cliché gang banger to Martin Luther King martial arts have definitely improved my need of an ideological revolution. I believe Jr. And there are infinite more examples of music. people, especially Americans, have been these kinds of extremities in all kinds of Bradley: So is there a rhythm to life? tricked by the powers that be to believe that colors. Chet: Sure. Listen for it. If you can’t hear individuals do not matter. More and more I wonder how many people would the rhythm, stand a day in Los Angeles vs. people are turning toward “authorities” and cringe if I said the South, rather than the Potts Camp, Mississippi. “experts” for answers. For example, if coasts, shapes America. Look through Bradley: Is life music? Is music life? there’s a problem in the neighborhood, the American History, brothers and sisters. You Chet: Absolutely. I stayed up one night neighbors don’t take care of it. They call the will be surprised. The Southern United writing about his very subject. Once again, cops. If there’s problems in the world, peo- States provides America with its figurative good art requires emotional content. The ple seem to think that governments and Id. And we all know from what part of the content comes from life. We sing about our politicians are smarter and more apt to cure psyche a person’s passion and creativity lives. When I spend the night with my lover the problems rather than the people them- springs – yes, the Id. We also know what and put the experience into a song, I have selves. That’s crap. Deep down, we know part of the psyche a person blames when simply transferred and organized the rhythm politicians and cops are causing many of something goes wrong. and sound from a night in my life into a these problems themselves or simply are not Bradley: Why do you think some people more succinct expression – a song. Poetry the best solution. Individuals make up our are uptight and weird when they talk about does the same. Poetry organizes sounds and world. No one knows better what to do for people playing the blues? 51 Chet: Purists suck, as do racists. illustrator as well? towards Memphis and Arkansas. Who was Bradley: JR, What are you reading? JR: He’s actually a very good artist. that fella we was looking for in the grave- JR: Tietam Brown, (Mick) Foley’s first Impressed me at the time. yard, ‘cause I remember we kept going attempt at fiction, and it’s pretty humorous Bradley: You’ve done some paintings in from graveyard to graveyard. so far, and the book I read before that was J. your time haven’t you? Chet: (Walter) “Furry” Lewis. We used to T. LeRoy, Sarah. And that’s a pretty good JR: I’ve been doing some painting. Not as do one of his songs. “When I Lay My book. much as I have been in the past, but I have Burden Down.” It’s a traditional song, but Bradley: Do you think that was been able to pump one or two out, every we did more of his version. one of the world’s greatest wrestlers? once in a while when we get a break. I’ve Bradley: When does something become a JR: Definitely one of the world’s greatest got one hanging up in Emo’s, and I sold a “traditional?” wrestlers. Cactus Jack, Mankind, Dude couple paintings to some nice folks in Texas Chet: That song we do, “Rollin’ and Love, Mick Foley, good stuff. and LA. Tumblin,’” that’s a traditional. I’m not real- Bradley: Aren’t his other books autobio- Bradley: I think they’ve got a definite style ly sure. There’s a body of songs that are graphical? and a technique behind them that’s unique. folk songs that everyone has done for years JR: Yeah. He’s the author of Have a Nice JR: We’re gonna put some up on the web and years and years and no one is sure Day and Foley is Good. He’s written two page pretty soon, so be on the look out. exactly who the author is. It’s not just the children’s books as well. Bradley: Recently, I was told by a friend of blues. It’s all around. Bradley: Have you read his children’s mine that during the Civil War there were Bradley: Is there something that’s itching books? minutemen in the south, and they had to get out? JR: Naw, I haven’t read the children’s names which were regional in nature. One Chet: Gas station. books, but I’ve read the two autobiogra- name was something like the Blount Bradley: What has been your favorite gas phies. Mountain Killers. Is that where the station? Bradley: Did he illustrate the children’s Immortal Lee County Killers II got the Chet: [changing lanes] So far I’ve been books? name? The Civil War? really into 7-11 ‘cause they have sushi. JR: Naw, Jerry Lawler illustrated one of the Chet: Naw. Well, I know there are similar Bradley: You eat that 7-11 sushi? children’s books and I’m not sure who illus- things now in the United States – different Chet: I eat 7-11 sushi. It’s a nice snack and trated the other one. militias in different states – gangs. But, no there’s an element of danger involved, too. Bradley: Jerry Lawler? we don’t. As far as the Civil War goes, It gets my adrenaline going. JR: Jerry “the King” Lawler. He’s from probably the most famous group was the Bradley: What kind of 7-11 sushi do you Memphis as well. You know, him and Andy Culpepper Minutemen in Virginia, but no, get? Tuna steak, octopus? Kaufman had the big thing going. our name didn’t have anything to do with Chet: Well, they call it a California roll, but Bradley: Oh yeah, that’s right. That’s in the the Civil War. it looks like rice and imitation crab to me. I movie (Man on the Moon). And he’s an Bradley: I went with ya’ll one time up don’t have any problem with it. I think imi- tation crab is actually cod. Bean: It’s whiting. Chet: I think it’s pretty good. Bradley: Bleached fished made into crab. Beef into chicken. Bean: That’s the fish you can catch off the Gulf Coast. I used to catch those all the time growing up all the time down in Alabama. Bradley: Whitefish? Bean: Yeah down in Alabama. I got fishing trophies. I used to fish in the kid’s fishing rodeo down in Dauphin Island, Alabama. Bradley: Fuck yeah. Did you ever go soft shelling? Bean: Naw, I don’t want to mess with those crabs. I want to catch a king macker- el, the big fish – that’s the trophy fish down in the gulf. Bradley: You were born in a hurricane weren’t you Bean? Bean: I was born during Hurricane Fredrick back in seventy-nine. That’s the toughest hurricane to ever hit Mobile. I came in like I plan on going out – with a fury. [laughter] Bradley: Fuck the Killers. Why didn’t you get named Fredrick? Chet: Yeah, do this interview with the road manager. Fuck us. I’m just talking about the Doors, he’s talking about being in the eye of the fury. [laughter] Bean: My mom went into labor as the eye of the hurricane passed over our house. Then my dad, he piled my mom into his brand-new truck that he’d just got half a year before, and drove down the streets of Bradley: But their aerodynamics were in question? Bean: Yes, they had troubles with the aero- dynamics of their van. Chet: It (the luggage rack) was on back- wards. Bean: They had the luggage rack, on top of their van, on backwards. The first night we played with them, they thought I was full of crap, I told them they had their luggage rack on backwards. You know, we had a few drinks after the show, and in a drunken tizzy I wrote down how they needed to change their aerodynamics schemes for their lug- gage rack. Bradley: This was a proposal that was writ- ten to change the aerodynamics of the van? An impromptu proposal while you were running the merch stand at the show? Bean: Yes, it was written on a memo pad. I think they’re going to keep that for years and years and hold it close to their hearts, something they can always keep with them that will help them along the way, and improve their gas mileage on their van in their travels across the country. Bradley: With your calculations, approxi- Music allows for empathy... When I kick my amp mately how many miles per gallon have you saved them? and the feedback goes “whooom,” someone in the Bean: I’ve saved them approximately four audience is going to say, “That dork feels like me.” miles per gallon, and with today’s steep gas prices, that’s very monumental in the suc- cess of a touring band. Mobile to the Mobile infirmary to get my puter to run it. If I ran it on my computer in Chet: This has been surreal. mother to the hospital, just in time for me to my office, it would take seventy days to Bradley: [After stuff, I bought a Red Bull.] be born under flashlights. I wasn’t named complete the operation of the program. Do you know what taurine is? Do you think Fredrick. I guess she was too messed up. Chet: So computers aren’t fast enough? it’s bull ball juice? I mean Red Bull. They put her on drugs, but one of my best Bean: Those sorry-assed computers. They Chet: It can’t be. friends, Dave, from Auburn, he was named need to do something better with those com- Bradley: That’s what I’ve heard it was, so after Hurricane Dave, which was two weeks puters. Auburn University, you guys need to whenever you’re drinking Red Bull you’re before I was born. invest in a supercomputer! drinking bull ball juice. Bradley: That’s something down on the Chet: Bean is landlocked and he doesn’t Chet: That sounds like fuckin’ black magic coast I’ve never heard of, naming kids after have the right computing power either! This stuff from the Golden Bough. If thou hurricanes. So you do a good bit of deep-sea guy’s tragic. The tragic hero. wisheth to have the strength of a bull, eat a fishing? Bradley: How did you get doing merch bull’s cock. From whence the spirit of the Bean: I used to but I’ve been landlocked for with the Killers? bull derives itself. the past six years going to school. But, Chet: We need a rocket scientist. We need Bradley: There’s a bull for a reason on the yeah, I’d like to go fishing sometime soon. someone to make decisions. label. Chet: Landlocked!? Fuck them man! God! Bean: Well, right now I’m doing my Chet: You know, I think you’re right. I Landlocked in your education. They’re damned computer program so I’ve got sev- think it is bull sperm. They’ve got factories coming down on Bean, keeping him away enty days to spare. [laughter] of bulls masturbating. Just like they did from that king mackerel! Chet: You write to Lynn (another Killers humans. [silence] Bradley: But where’s your education pro- roadman and all around wizard for Bradley: Kind of like milk factories, but pelling you? What are you in school for? Sarcophagus Studios) and ask him about gizz factories for the bull. Bean: I’m going to school for aerospace when he tried to take the doors off a phar- Chet: The have gizz factories for men, too. engineering. I’d ultimately like to work on macy with his motorcycle. Test tube babies and stuff. They don’t pay mission control for NASA. Bradley: What? very well for sperm. Bradley: You’re a rocket scientist? Chet: He was in the van with us, just anoth- Bradley: Have you sold before? Bean: I’m a rocket scientist. Two classes er one of the crazy characters who’s gotten Chet: I’ve looked into it. away from earning my master’s. What I’m in this van. Bradley: What magazines do they provide doing right now for my thesis is I’m devel- Bradley: Being that you’re in aerospace you with? oping a new method to design inter-plane- engineering, I assume you do a lot with Chet: I haven’t looked into it that far. I tary space trajectory for spacecraft that have aerodynamics. There was another band haven’t made it to the lobby. Evidently, an exhaust modulated propulsion system. (Soledad Brothers) who recently had a little they give a lot more for plasma than they do Chet: Tell him about how’s there’s not aerodynamic problem with their luggage for sperm. enough computing power at the university. rack. Bradley: It’s just something I was curious Bean: Right now I’m pretty much done. I Bean: Yes, they did. I had to step up to the about and I thought you would know. have to run a big computer program to plate and come through in the clutch. Chet: No. make all the calculations, but where I’m [laughter] They’re excellent people. I stuck at right now, I’m pretty much done enjoyed their company. They’re very, very, with my program, but I need a supercom- nice. 53 The Grabass Charlestons is a trio of ding dongs and passion. And, man, it rocks. We’re not talking from Gainesville, Florida. Hell, I loved their split LP fey, extended pinky tea-sipping, smile-for-the- with Billy Reese Peters. Their seven songs were camera passion, either. Juggernauts of smiles, sped-up, tightly wound rock’n’roll, the type that bruises, and “where’d that come from?” cuts. The mixes jiggers of Leatherface, warm 18-packs of type of crazed passion that comes from years of Radon, the wrung-out shirt sweat of Tiltwheel, and being poor and finding that music and friends can the high-drama of the best episodes of Cop Boat. pull you through almost anything. True celebration The lyrics are smart and heartful. Without being among the debris. dicks or hoity toity, they extend a fine amount of lit- Bros, not pros. eracy while covering such topics as direct, gun-tot- This interview was earmarked for complete dis- ing threats to one’s boss and the golden age of aster. It started at four AM. Three hours prior, we’d Galaga video game mastery. Their songs have no had a long, not-very-rational discourse if two hun- gaps, no stumbling. They sound like chases, dred beers were enough “too keep the buzz on” through swamps, decaying strip malls, fantasies, for the thirteen people staying in our tiny apart- and bad dreams. The Grabass Charlestons gamble. ment. (By eleven AM, there were seven well-hid- They tumble around like that little ball in roulette den beers left.) I’ll give credit where credit is due. before it finds a slot. They win. The boys pulled through in the clutch. Raise one, On The Greatest Story Ever Hula’d, there’s talk or as many as you can carry, to The Grabass about suicide, waking up with a spear through your Charlestons. chest, and it’s still so catchy while poking the care- ful listener right in sternum over and over again. It’s hard not to be affected by its direct-line humility

Todd: Will, you played in Downey, California today. Name the most famous drummer/singer in the world that comes from there. Will: The douche from the Eagles? Todd: I’ll give you a hint. You’re thinking the wrong gender. Will: The dude… Todd: No, the dudette. The lady. Will: I don’t know. I’m stumped. Todd: Karen Carpenter. Will: Oh, fuck. She’s an awesome drummer, too. She kicks ass. She’s good. She’s got a nice voice, too. I saw a clay figurine movie about the Carpenter family. Documented all the bad shit. Todd: When was the last time it was eight o’clock in the morning, you were drunk, and you were very happy? Will: Usually, when it’s eight in the morning and I’m drunk, I’m not very happy. Dave: I was drunk and unhappy at eight in the morning in handcuffs in Texas. PJ: July fourth, we were in Colorado Springs, Texas and we built a fire. Two bottles of whiskey. Many cases of beer. We got wasted. Dave, he goes out to fetch firewood and he fell in a cactus bush. Dave up, throwing him out of the van, it’s the Hair Beard Combo. Dave: There was a dead tree that needed dragging him behind the van. Dave got PJ: For the millionth time they’ve lis- a little help coming down and I gave it a taken to jail in Colorado Springs, Texas. tened to it that night. whole bunch of help and Newton’s laws Dave: I got to the cell and there’s a plate Todd: What’s the best sexual come-on got involved, and I landed on cactuses. with three sections. There’s a pile of you’ve ever received? Does this ring any PJ: We spent about an hour and a half in grits, jelly, and one of the biscuits had a bells – “I want to have the sex with your front of the van lights yanking those half corner already eaten out. homeless looking combo”? spines out. Dave, he’s injured, so he’s PJ: The guard was all, “Tuesday’s bis- Dave: I’ve actually got a really good one. drinking with a vengeance. cuits. Hell yeah. I don’t give a shit about It was on my birthday. The actual quote Dave: I was celebrating, man. It was the him.” is, “You go finish puking and brush your fourth of July. Texas had fireworks for Dave: As I’m getting fingerprinted: teeth, and I’ll be naked when you get hours. The vantage point we had, had the “What’s the charge?” “Public intoxica- back to your room.” That’s a game win- horizon of Texas. You could see commu- tion.” “Fair enough. You got me.” ner. And, when I get back to the room, nities competing with one another for Todd: Hair Beard Combo. the Elmer record is playing. Songs of Sin fireworks. PJ: Bullshit. and Retribution. PJ: So, the next thing me and Will know, Dave: I don’t have a hair beard combo. Todd: Dave, when was the last time you the tent is getting kicked by this – seri- Todd: There’s a band called Hair Beard dressed as a leprechaun? ously – mirrored shade, mustachioed Combo. Dave: That was the filming for The dude named Tracey Furgeson. “Line up PJ: Aaron (Lay of Billy Reese Peters) Revenge of the Leprechaun. I’ll send you in front of the van.” and Will live with the Hair Bead Combo a copy. Will: The man’s fighting off lifetimes of insecurities. PJ: Hoping that we’ll give him the respect he needs so bad. Dave, at this point, is handcuffed and shotgunned. Very injured. Will: I was sleeping in the van at the time. I was looking at our friend Tracey knocking on the window. I was and they’re both very angry buried under some shit. I looked up and I about it. saw him, “Oh, goddamn, it’s the cops.” Will: I wouldn’t say I’m Buried myself again. Then I kinda real- angry about the Hair Beard ized he was still there, so I got up again. Combo. I’ve been exposed to He’s all, “Get out of the van!” So I got the Hair Beard Combo more up, stumbled out with no shoes, shirtless. than anybody should. It’s a “What the fuck is going on?” Then I thing and it’s something. I’ll snuck back into the van and took a piss in tell you that. It’s there and a jug. But then the reality set in when I there you go. Next question. saw Dave in the back of the white car. Aaron: It’s two dudes who PJ: We’re all lined up. They’re going to have this uncanny, weird ticket us for the beer. Lame ticket, what- sense of how to write songs ever. “You know that guy?” I see Dave in the sense that they write handcuffed, looking really bummed. songs about the most ridicu- Shirtless. Haggard. lous, stupid bullshit ever. Dave: I was shirtless the whole night. We PJ: Like blowjobs. got there, started the fire, shirts off. Aaron: But the songs Will: Shirts off, dudes on. fuckin’ rule and you listen to PJ: After the last time we saw him, he them, and you’re like, took a spill on the road. This guy was “These songs are fuckin’ insinuating that we threw Dave out of the awesome. I love these songs, van. “Oh, we’re driving our van around but, goddamn, I hate these this state park. Let’s throw Dave out for dudes because they’re so fun.” obnoxious about having Dave: I threw myself places. I remember these songs.” Does that make being upside down. I remember my head sense? It’s a really sad thing hurting and then remember my head because Will and I live with being wet. that. There’s been times Will: With blood. when we come home and Dave: It seemed to make sense at the Will’s in the back yard, time. Trying to find campsite 127 and throwing a stick for my dog, then I was woken up with mirrored sun- Doyle. He’s freaked out and glasses and a mustache. all pissed off. I’m just like, Will: [in super cop voice] “That guy’s “What’s up, dude?” injured. What happened?” Will: They’re the type of PJ: He fell into a cactus. “That’s not cac- guys, you’re hanging out – tus injuries. That’s road burn. What did “Man, I’m going to put on you guys do to him? You guys went to this Elvis Costello record and sleep and left that guy in the middle of then this AC/DC record.” the road.” “No, wait, let me put on this Will: The cop guy accused us of beating CD.” And before AC/DC, 55

Will: Do you know who The Leprechaun Or that you can’t say or you’ve been mean- mer) took over for you when The is? That little dude from Willow. I didn’t ing to say for a long time. Anyways. Habituals turned into Killbot Factory. know that until a week ago. Todd: Here’s a quote. “The guitar player Will: Yeah. Todd: Has anyone seen Allison from has this weird-ass haircut that looked like PJ: Interwoven web of uh huh. Discount lately? he fell asleep near a five-year-old.” Todd: PJ, are you in some way, Aaron: Allow me to speak candidly. PJ: That would be Dave. shape, or form, related to Tom Petty? Check it out. What are they called? The Dave: (Who plays bass.) Wherever you PJ: No. Kills. Do you know what’s really crazy lifted that source, they were talking about Will: Yeah, he is. Come on. about The Kills? [whispering] They me. I’m the guy with the bad haircuts. I PJ: Okay. I’ll give you the scoop. Tom smoke cigarettes on stage and shit. get these really great ideas. See, us being Petty is my mother’s mother’s sister’s They’re real mysterious now. mammals, nature gives us a palette every son, which makes him my second cousin. PJ: What’s this guy doing in the Grabass few months and so many people waste this He gave me his first two guitars and he interview? How did you get in? palette. kicks ass. Aaron: Gainesville is a small town and I Todd: The palette is the pate. Dave: It translates to fuckin’ high fives. just blatantly buh-huh. It’s a bummer. Dave: Touché. I do, honestly, think that Aaron: Here’s what this translates to: a Dave: , she was stupid haircuts visibly fly the flag. Be the badass beach house on fuckin’ goddamn. there with the other member of The Kills, thorn in someone’s eye. PJ: Every birthday for the past two years, Couch, or whatever they call themselves. Todd: Why Replay Dave? I’ll invite all of these… look at them. Aaron: I think it’s also cool to include the Dave: You don’t have that in your papers? Dave: Upstanding gentlemen. fact that the Kills… “My name is Todd: Nope. PJ: Tom Petty has a kickass beach house Building.” The other person’s name is Dave: Pinball. Wanted to write pinball that no one knows about and I invite them Bicycle or Chair. reviews for a local zine and I needed a every year to bathe in his hot tub, his awe- Todd: Since the split LP with Billy Reese cool punk rock name and there’s eight someness.

Peters to your newest record – it’s The million Daves in town, so Replay Dave Will: Get a bunch of poor Greatest Story Ever Hula’d, correct? just sort of flowed. I’ve heard so many people sunburnt and play some horse- Dave: You’re goddamned right. dumb explanations. shoes and spend all of our money on beer. Todd: I sense a shift. The songs are the Todd: PJ, did you play in Against Me? Todd: What’s so special about your Rules full-length album are slower and they’re PJ: No. About Poker t-shirt? sadder. Is that true? Todd: You’re lying. Dave: It’s not even poker. It’s blackjack. Dave: Are you talking the straight mood PJ: End of interview. We like gambling. We like helping people or the mood is getting to you? Dave: How the fuck did you get that one? out. That shirt is a basic strategy for the Todd: Both. Tempo, slowing down. On Todd: That was from the Gainesville game of blackjack. You’re not trying to the split, “Bossman” is active retribution Family Tree. get twenty-one, you’re trying to beat the against an employer, as opposed to walk- PJ: Want to hear the real story behind dealer. You take that strategy, put it on a ing the entire day with a spear through that? I was on that website one time, updat- t-shirt, and you put it upside down so you your chest or “suicide at eight bucks an ing the Billy Reese Peters information. can read it when you’re wearing the t- hour.” There’s this button. What I done did, I was shirt. Will: The first song you referred to, about looking up all of my friends’ bands. Army PJ: It’s basically a cheat sheet. It’s legal. the spear, is about a dream that I had. The of Ponch. Railsplitter. The Bananas. I You can do that. second song you refer to, suicide at eight looked up Against Me! I was on my page, Dave: I was sitting around one day. I was bucks an hour is actually about work and PJ Fancher Page, and I accidentally typed studying the chart, trying to become a the shittiness of work. However, what in “You are a member of Against Me!” master gambler, currently failing miser- you’re saying, yes, it’s true. The songs on instead of “You are searching for Against ably, but having a hell of a time. “Man, I that record were written out of a lot of Me!” So, all of a sudden, I am a member of should put that on a damn t-shirt.” And fucked up shit that was going on and a lot Against Me! Right after I did it, I looked at then I said, “I should make it a damn of depression. A lot of sadness. I started Against Me!’s page and it says, “PJ, gui- Grabass Charlestons t-shirt. All I’ve got to writing songs as kind of a joke. I’d just tar.” I emailed the guy that runs the thing. do is put the words ‘Grabass Charlestons’ write these funny songs. You realize after “I just accidentally typed in the wrong shit. on the topside. Beeooow. awhile – you’re playing a guitar and writ- Can you take that off?” And it bounced Todd: What’s Texas Hold’em? ing words – it feels good and it gets to a back. Dave: Texas Hold’em is the highest evo- point where “I have to do this and it’s the Will: It’s actually a larger plot to get peo- lutionary point in the came of poker. It is only thing I can do.” That’s where I was ple to think of the Grabass Charlestons as the version played in the World Series of at at that point. I was feeling kinda des- former members of Against Me! poker. You get two cards and share five perate, kinda shitty about everything. Todd: Will, did you really play for Radon, other cards with the rest of the table. Best Todd: Tiltwheel’s the perfect example or was it another mis-pushed button? five-card hand wins. The structure is sim- of that. They write songs that sound joy- Will: Nah, I’ve never played for Radon. ple, yet the play is complex. It gets in ous, but you listen to the lyrics. PJ: But Billy Reese Peters played with your brain and body. Depressed. A lot weighing down on you. Radon at their last show. Radon’s bass Todd: What happens on April first? Will: It always changes. It comes around player used to be in the Beltones. Aaron: Jai alai season starts. and goes around and you feel better and Will: I played in a band with James Ross, Dave: You’re wrong, man. You looked at you feel worse and then there’s the world who was the replacement bass player for the website and it was not April first. It and the world makes you say Radon. was April second. 04/02/03. That 58 things that you have to say. Dave: And Bill (Clower, Radon drum- was our fuckin’ battle cry. Todd: Did you get the jai alai tattoos in owner of No Idea with his wife, Jen.) and other labels for how to do things. Find the same place? he had a sign on his door, “Shitwork is what works for your personal goals. Dave: Dub T. (Will) and I did. needed.” I happened to have been work- Always seek advice, but understand the Will: It’s (“Dub T.”) on my belt. ing at a pizza place that went out of busi- perspective that the advice comes from. If Todd: Will, do you have a lucky hat? ness and I was about to start working at you have it in your head that Plan-it-X is a Will: I thought I had a lucky hat. I went to China Express and I had two weeks to kill great label, which they are, it would be one of the stores, Bubba Ray’s, I think. where I wouldn’t be employed. And for a wrong to duplicate what they are doing. They’re a chain in the Carolinas. I bought young lad living off his pizza job, I kinda Find the points about them you like and a really nice Stetson hat with a feather in needed two weeks of money. I went in make it your own. Any label that has exist- it. It was gray. I loved it. I paid forty dol- there, I put a lot of zine CDs and records ed five years has a commitment. Having a lars for it, so I assumed it was going to be together and I was such a fucking badass, commitment is key. The rest will happen my lucky hat. I took it around to the local they called me up every time they had due to the commitment. gambling establishments. However, I something new. Then next thing I know, Todd: That’s a pretty philosophical way to quickly found out that it was not my lucky it’s five years later. I work there forty look at it. hat. It was actually my unlucky hat. hours a week and a nice lady hands me a Dave: Well, I have a degree in philosophy. Dave: That don’t mean you don’t look paycheck every Friday. What do you Todd: Will, what was the largest stunt you good. know. Then I realized college and my pulled off with your brother when you Will: That doesn’t mean I don’t love that other jobs were getting in my way of me were kids?

hat any less. I still love that hat. working there, which was a whole lot cool- Will: Me and my brother lived in a tiny Todd: Dave and PJ, you both work for No er than college or working other jobs. little town, Homosassa, Florida. Everyone Idea, one of the best, most honest record PJ: I started working at No Idea because used to call it Homo Stank Asses. I’m not companies and distros on the planet… the webmaster moved to Dayton, Ohio. So, kidding. I’d meet people in Orlando or PJ: Don’t forget about Dub T. He cleans No Idea had no way to update their web- Tampa or Jacksonville and they’d all say fish tanks there. site. I have a degree in web so I stepped in “Homo Stank Asses.” I swear to god, it Will: I clean the fish tanks once every two and did it. was a natural reaction. So, me and my weeks. Except when I’m on tour or I don’t Dave: Other labels can learn a lot from No brother, we were pretty bored and he was feel like doing it. Idea. However, it’s a tricky education. The older than me and he had all the good Todd: I rarely do blatant endorsements, wisdom is in what we don’t do, not what ideas. My brother’s a great man. I think he but No Idea’s awesome. Way over a hun- we do. Observe the negative space. We just lost his way along the way. Seriously, dred of releases, they pay their bills, and don’t waste money on advertising. We dude. Kind of a big bummer. My brother they’re really nice people. That doesn’t advertise a lot, but exercise discretion. We thought of the idea – you take a wig from happen that often. try to be available, but don’t “pimp our- you mom or grandmom’s house, right? He Dave: No Idea #12 came out (No Idea selves” and cram a product towards a mar- figured out a way to hook it up to a fishing started out as a zine.) and I was friends ket. A delicate balance, indeed. Most reel and hide the fishing line. with one of Var’s roommates (Var is the importantly, other labels shouldn’t look to We lived in a neighborhood 59 with all these old people. They’d be robot bureaucrats. It’s kind of a bummer, you played at eight o’clock, they were walking. It’s been done in movies, but seeing that shit. But it definitely made me showing a TV program on the entire wall this was totally before that. This was never want to get an office job. of a club right in front of you guys and on when I was eleven. We’d sit in the pal- Todd: Why the extreme hatred for LA by three separate TVs. You had a thirty metto bushes and reel it in kind of fast Gainesville bands, even by you guys. minute set, people were into it, you asked and it looks like this bizarre animal. It Dave: Panthro (UK United 13). I for an encore and the bar was, vwoop, was awesome. The old ladies would think it’s not the actual geography of LA, turned on the lights and blasted the TVs. freak out. Cars would stop. but the mentality of LA. The plastic, sili- Get out of here. But, then, to improve on that – my cone fake imagery. We come from a non- Dave, when was the last time you were brother’s an innovator on prankdom – plastic, passion-filled, ding dong swamp. mistaken for a dead person under a stair- take one of your mom’s old purses. Take PJ: We come from a place where you well? a shit in it. This is when we were a little can ride your bike for five minutes, to go Dave: It was the summer of 2000. (When more advanced. This is when our friends Common Grounds or Wayward Council Dave was living in the storage space under had cars. My brother’s fifteen and I’m to see a kickass show, not too much stairs.) I had had a rough night of too twelve. Take a shit in purse, get the shit money, and have the time of your life. much coffee and general unrest, perhaps all over it. Drive the purse to a popular Dave: Hollywood produces the some mild gallivanting about town. The intersection, which is very few in my images of something that isn’t tangible upstairs neighbors had some guests that hometown. We go to the shit bars by the but something you need to acquire to be involved children. The duo of little ones river – the redneck fishermen bars – and happy and we see that as, no, you don’t went into the backyard, my yard, my toi- he’d put the poo purse, that’s what we’d call it, by the entrance. “Holy shit, man, there’s a purse. Maybe there’s some money in it or something.” They’d pick it up, their hand would get all poopy. It was grand old times. We had some glorious redneck chases because of that. Those were the good old days before my brother became a southern Baptist. Todd: Who worked in a human resources office? PJ: That would be Will. Will: I never worked in a human resources office. Both me and Dave delivered Chinese food to a human resources office. Dave: You don’t know how deep this shit runs, man. Will: It bummed me out so bad. It was the human resources office. It’s so fucking sinister. Human. Resource. What does that mean? You go in there; there’s a big sign. It was a university, an

institution of what’s supposed to be good. need anything to be happy except your let, my view from home. I had my door PJ: Helping out people. friends. open to let the breeze ruffle through my Will: The strange thing was that it was on Will: Every time I’ve been to LA, it’s hair as I took a nap. I heard them coming the fifteenth floor of a football stadium. So I’m driving ninety miles an hour for two in, as I hear everything that comes in the you go into this weird office in the cata- hours to get to somebody who lives down yard. I did my best to not attract attention, combs of the deep depth of this football the street. Then you’re surrounded by bull- but a pair of legs visible sticking out from stadium. No windows nowhere, and that’s shitters. This is in general. I’ve met totally under a house through a tiny doorway human resource department of the cool people in Los Angeles. I’ve been sur- leaves little to the imagination of an eight- University of Florida. It’s strange. There’s rounded by pseudo celebrities who aren’t year-old. There was a gasp, a yelp, and a a massive waiting room – literally desper- even close to being celebrities but think rapid retreat to Mommy. I heard them ate people trying to get a job doing any- they’re celebrities and people who have mention “a body back in the yard.” Yep, thing. There’s a catalog of people who nothing to fuckin’ talk about except fig- that’s me. I wasn’t in the mood to make sign up for a job. “Oh, what’s your name?” ures and asinine terminology that I don’t friends, so I jumped up and out, locked my “Oh, my name’s Sheila Johnson,” or what- even know about. Completely devoid of door, and hastened to the other side ever. They look you up in this giant, hell- humanity. It makes me want to freak out. of the yard where I jumped the ish catalog. So, I’d go in there, still wast- Todd: The last time I saw you Will, with fence and didn’t look back. ed, and deliver Chinese food to these the Beltones, it bummed me out. When 61

photo by Jason Griscom

ANTiSEEN formed in August of Jeff Clayton: The part that I really like Art: ANTiSEEN’s on a big label now, TKO 1983 in Charlotte, North Carolina. about having been together so long is some – how is that working out? Since then, they’ve released seven of the respect we get from some people Clayton: It couldn’t be better. The records full-length studio and over 40 even if they don’t like us, because in this are actually getting out there. Now it’s like kind of music it’s pretty much unheard of virtually every album we’ve ever done is EPs. Thanks to TKO Records’ Vault for bands to stay together this long. Lots of back in print and you can get it for non-col- of ANTiSEEN series, all of the band’s groups reunite, but we’ve never had the lector prices, which I know some fans are albums are back in print on vinyl privilege to cash in on a reunion tour. pretty happy about. I’m flattered that some and CD, and Steel Cage records is [laughs] people pay a lot of money for our records, about to release a tome documenting Joe Young: When we started, I figured a but they really shouldn’t have to. [laughs] the band’s history, Destructo year or two if we’re lucky, we’d do an EP, Young: TKO’s been the best label that Maximus. They’re one of the more get us in shows for free, and that would be we’ve worked with so far. Mark’s doing distinct bands in the history of punk, about it. In ‘87 I left the band for a while great. He’s really dedicated to pushing stuff adding dashes of country and early and moved to Atlanta. At that time, I and doing it right, and he’s got a lot of var- thought that would be it. I came back in ied tastes. A lot of punk labels have a ten- ‘80s hardcore to a fundamental early ‘88 and once we started getting to the dency to lean just towards one style of Ramones-influenced sound. I talked Midwest and up North I had a feeling that punk, but he seems to have a little bit of to vocalist Jeff Clayton and guitarist we might keep going for a while. We had everything. Joe Young about common miscon- our first trip to Europe in ‘92 and started Art: You’ve recently played some very ceptions people tend to have about labels to put out our records. I high profile music festivals. How have you ANTiSEEN and about Joe Young’s realized “this is starting to get fun all of a been received at these festivals? experience running for office. sudden. We could keep it going.” I think Clayton: Every one of them has been Clayton might have trimmed the split ends really good. We played the Beer Art: ANTiSEEN’s been around for a of his hair two or three times over the years, Olympics down in Atlanta that’s put on full twenty years now – how does but he hasn’t had a real haircut since that by GMM Records. I guess that was it feel being a band for first gig in ‘83 when he shaved it complete- just because of our asso- so long? ly bald. ciation with TKO. Art: You had to be one put us right back where we were. But I vein. The Ramones of the only, if not the think at this point in the game, ten years was the last group that I only band with hair there. How was after he died, we’ve carved enough of a really latched onto and went, “Alright, that? niche in the underground of our own that I’ll be listening to these guys for Clayton: Yeah, pretty much. It was def- we’re finally seen as a separate entity now. years.” initely pretty wild. We definitely stuck All of the advertisements for these Murder Clayton: That we’re racist because out like a sore thumb, but we were Junkies shows say “featuring Jeff Clayton we’re from the South. As if the South treated real well by the crowd and the other of ANTiSEEN on vocals.” The sexual were the only place with the Ku Klux Klan. bands. Nothing to complain about at all – it deviancy that GG used to sing about – that In reality, I consider myself a rightwing, was fun. We played it two years in a row. ain’t our bag. We’re a little bit more on the conservative liberal, as opposed to a bleed- And we just got through playing the L.A. violence side of things [laughs]. And I’ve ing heart, lefty liberal. The bleeding heart Shakedown, which despite the mess that it heard people say, “Why don’t you do more liberals are so hypocritical, but they never started out as, ended up being pretty good songs like GG?” and it’s like well, we don’t get called on it. If you call them on it, for us. do that kind of stuff. I think some people you’re considered a knee-jerk reactionary so Art: And you’ve also done another always wanted us to be the band of four GG it’s a no win situation to even voice your European tour recently. Why do you think Allins and it just wasn’t going to happen. opinion. ANTiSEEN is so well received in Europe? Art: What are some misconceptions people Art: Why do you think the more PC fac- Clayton: It’s kind of hard to tell. I think it’s have about ANTiSEEN? tions of punk rock spurn you? ‘cuz they really like hard American music, Young: I’m not saying that we’re not a Young: PC is a sneaky way of saying liber- but since we first went over, there have political band. We’re not an apolitical band, al, and we ain’t a bunch of panty-waisted been so many bands coming and going. and political issues might pop up from time liberals, that’s for sure. Germany sees it all. Every band tours to time in the songs, going all the way back Clayton: I don’t know because it seems like Germany. And you’d figure they’d be to “NC Royalty,” but by in large we’re not a that faction seems to jump on us for things jaded, but we still get a good response over political band. Clayton’s not interested in it. that other people have either done before or there. I think from talking to some of the I don’t even know if he votes. I think he’s done a lot worse. For some reason when we people, a lot of them really like the more interested in telling a story and vent- push the envelope a little bit, it’s like the Southern image and the fact that we don’t ing some frustration. It’s very seldom to see end of the world. Or maybe they really care have to play it up, because we are it. We’re us doing songs where we’re railing at soci- about us. Some of the stuff we say that runs not like Pride and Glory or something that ety or trying to fix the world’s problems in a against popular opinion, I think we say with had to think about it and try it on for size. three-minute song. That’s something Jeff such joy and cheer that it makes people It’s really all we know and the fact that we and I always thought was ridiculous. My angry. But a lot of it is just people making are this type of person that they envision philosophy always was if can’t assumptions because we’re from the South. being one way, yet we play punk rock like do it, can’t do it, or Art: Do you think that, as a group, poor the Ramones is something they can’t can’t do it, how are we gonna do it? How is white people are overlooked, even looked pigeonhole, so they enjoy it, which is fine one of our little songs really going to make down upon? by me. We really want to play Japan. We a difference? Personally, I’m political. But Young: Since 1865, it has always been put a couple of singles out over there and as a band, we’re apolitical. Another miscon- open season on Southern white males. we’re getting ready to have a “best of” ception people have about us is that we get Simple as that. Only white Southern males album come out on CD over there. called metal sometimes. I think we’re about can be called white trash with total immuni- Art: For a better part of the ‘90s, as far from metal as you can get. Our songs ty. ANTiSEEN was primarily known for hav- are too short; there are no solos. And I don’t Clayton: Yeah, of course they are. Just ing been a one time backup band for GG see us as being metal at all. I think of our check out TV everyday. You can put down Allin – do you agree with that? music as being just straight ahead rock or poor white people all you want to, especial- Young: Yeah, I agree. That was a bummer hard rock. I would have called it punk rock ly if they’re from the South. because we’d started playing before we’d in the first ten or fifteen years we played, Art: What does it mean to you to have a ever heard of GG or knew him. Once we but in the last few years if you say punk rich, unashamed Southern ? met him and did that record – which we did people have a tendency to consider that to Young: It means lots of humidity in the right after he got out of jail – it did kind of be more like or Avril Lavigne or summer and 162 Braves games a year on catapult us up there for a period. The first . And we’re not in that TV. two or three times we went to Europe, all photo by Allana Sleeth they did ask us about was GG: did we like recording with him? It’s died down an awful lot. They’ve stopped bugging us about it. One thing I admired about GG was that when he came to stay with you, every- thing he had in his suitcase was everything he owned. That’s the way I’ve become. I don’t have a stereo anymore, don’t have a DVD. I don’t have a computer at my house. I have a couple of short wave radios. I listen to talk radio probably twelve or fourteen hours a day. Clayton: Of course, now I’m singing for the again for the first time in almost a decade. I’ve been thinking about how we tried so hard to crawl out of that shadow, and now the album’s been released again and I’m doing these tours. I’m won- dering if that’s going to Clayton: To me it means antics – do you expect that to change given to be on the prowl not going along with the the recent Rhode Island club fire incident? more so than ever and entire world’s belief that everyone in Clayton: I imagine it will… pretty unfortu- that used to be a thing you didn’t real- the South was for slavery. Of all the nate what happened there. I feel sorry for ly have to worry about unless a place places in the United States, the South the families and the band. No band wants to was really crowded. gets shit on the most. And it’s mainly see their audience hurt, much less killed. I Young: Probably so, because a lot of by people who’ve never been down don’t know. It was just a big series of things small clubs that we play, especially the here. They think we’ve all got one tooth in that had bad timing there. Look how long ones that have the little tiny stages and little our head and shit in an outhouse and spit that group’s been together and nothing like roofs, are just not going to allow it and tobacco out the side of our mouth. Just look this has ever happened. Nothing like this some of the places we play around here at the show Dukes of Hazard. To me, living has ever happened in rock’n’roll. Ever. We have already laid down the law to us. We in a place that does have so much history talk about it all the time. With the stuff don’t really do explosions. We don’t use and things to be proud of, and not things to we’ve done –we don’t even have licensed pyrotechnics per se. A little bit of flash

photo by Greg Bailey be ashamed of, like the rest of the country powder or lighter fluid on seems to think, just makes me glad. I’m a washboard – that’s not glad I live here and I’m glad my family was pyrotechnics, that’s not born and raised here. Keep the big city crap explosives. It’s fire, but and the way they see us because if they ever not explosives. The want to experience it firsthand and get their biggest stunt that conception blown out of the water, they can Clayton’s done for years just come down here. is blowing up the wash- Art: How much does sarcasm play into boards. We’ve never your lyrics? been able to do that over- Clayton: A lot. If we didn’t have sarcasm, seas or even in there would be no vocals on the records. California. We never had There’s hardly any sacred cow that we the time to find the right won’t take a stab at. We’ll make fun of powder when we were what we see fit. out there. Young: The didn’t really Art: What do the mem- want to lynch the landlord, I don’t think, in bers of the band do when a literal sense. Neither do we. they’re not playing in Art: Your name comes from the concept ANTiSEEN? that you’re anti-scene, but you’ve arguably Clayton: I’m a stay at started a scene all your own, The home dad. I make my liv- Confederacy of Scum – do you see any ing off selling stuff on irony in that? the internet and through Clayton: Weird how that worked out, isn’t playing and through it? [laughs] We were the ANTI S-E-E-N, drawing. Sir Barry which was just a clever misspelling of s-c-e- Hannibal is a plumber by n-e, and then ten or fifteen years into this trade. Doug Canipe lives game there’s a whole group of bands going the same kind of lifestyle on the same wavelength. It is kind of ironic I lead except he doesn’t that we’re anti-scene and created a scene. have children. Young: I do see the irony there and I kind Young: We’ve never of have a problem with it because I didn’t been a full time band want to be in any scene. And we didn’t real- where we’re making a ly start the COS. We called the group living off of it. If we did, ANTiSEEN because when we started there I think we would have really was one scene to speak of in North broken up years ago. The Carolina and it was up in Raleigh with fun of it probably would Corrosion of Conformity, No Rock Stars, pyro technicians working for us, and most have worn off really quick if it were some- and The Ugly Americans. Three or four times we do it without any kind of fire thing we did for a job. For a job, I run my bands up there and they thought they were extinguisher or anything – we’ve never had family’s floral business. the center of the universe, not just the state any bad incidences. I’ve caught on fire a Art: In what non-obvious ways do the floral capitol. There’s always been a friendly few times, but nothing that sent me to the arts and ANTiSEEN enrich one another? rivalry between those of us in Charlotte hospital or anything. Just some stinky hair Young: Some burgundy roses match and those in Raleigh. They always and my leg catching on fire. In light of the Jeff Clayton’s blood in color. thought they had the best punk scene recent events, we will be having the brakes Art: Have your florist talents ever in the South on the East Coast. And put on that, especially in some clubs, I wound up on an ANTiSEEN stage? that’s why we chose the name we did. would imagine. I’ll definitely make sure Young: No way! Art: Your live shows tend that we ask or talk to them about it first Art: Have you ever done to incorporate fire because you know fire marshals are going the floral arranging for a hero of yours? something,” and that ended up being printed Art: Is the internal Young: I don’t consider in the newspaper in town and things like ideological consistency him a “hero,” but Senator Jesse Helms’ that haunt me. I did not think, especially of Libertarianism part of its appeal? office called in an order one day when a after getting clobbered in the 2000 election, Young: It’s probably part of the appeal, prominent Republican in our town that I had a chance of winning. I was doing but it’s also part of what holds us back, passed away. it just to build up the party’s name a little too. Politics is all about compromise Art: Joe, you ran for office as a bit and get some attention. And I figured and I believe that’s why the Democrats Libertarian and almost won – how was that that if I came even close I’d be doing good. and the Republicans have a stranglehold: experience? I thought, “As long as I don’t finish dead ‘cuz they’re experts at compromising with Young: I ran twice. I ran in 2000 and got last out of nine people running…,” but I each other. clobbered for state office, but I ran in 2001 was right on the edge. Art: Few people with minoritarian political and I missed by just fifteen votes at getting Art: Is ANTiSEEN a Libertarian band? views see electoral politics as a viable on the city council. I had 735 votes and the Clayton: It’s really funny that for such a means for change. Do you? photo by Allana Sleeth

guy who edged me out for the last seat had nonpolitical band, we sure get 750. He was an eight-term Democrat asked about politics a lot. I incumbent and he’d served on the council think a lot of the things we before. Just that I could even get close to believe as individuals do coin- him was a shock and I finished fifth out of cide with the things outlined nine people who were running. Now that I by the Libertarian party. look back on it, I tell you I’m glad that I Whether any or all of us are missed it, knowing what I know now. registered Libertarians, I know Art: Did you face negative campaigning as I’m not. I think Doug is. I a result of his being in ANTiSEEN? can’t be sure about Barry. Of Clayton: They tried to use it against him course Joe is. But having the big time. “Go look at this guy’s website – “in” through Joe, we’ve the things that he endorses. Look at the lan- learned a lot more than we guage on this message board.” They pulled would have reading on our everything out they could. He even got own. A lot of it makes sense, attacked by one doctor there in town. Not just common sense. literally attacked, but attacked via e-mail Young: I think a lot of our talking about all the stuff the band says. I song themes are Libertarian wrote the guy back myself and said, “Look, oriented because they’re about you’re aiming at the wrong guy. You need personal freedom and choices, to be mad at me. Joe simply plays the guitar but I wouldn’t say that we’re a to what I rant and rave about. If you want to Libertarian band per se. I talk about people bleeding and tearing shit couldn’t think of anybody who up, that’s me, not Joe.” I hope we didn’t is. I know consid- doom his career as a politician, but we may ers himself a Libertarian and have. that pops up in a lot of his Art: What was the mistake that caused the songs. When bands try to write recount? Libertarian, it comes out bad, Young: Friday after the election was when like Rush. Neil Peart is Libertarian and that Young: It’s either got to be done by the bal- we found out the mistake that had been pops up in some of their songs. They’re not lot box or the ammo box, but I’d prefer to made during the night of the election. What really my style. do it by the ballot box. I’m sure a lot of peo- had happened is that they had counted a lot Art: Political scientists tend to place ple who backed Gore or Nader consider the of votes twice. They had counted a whole Libertarianism on the left of the political country to be a right wing conservative hell- bunch of my votes twice. Four of the eleven spectrum. Do you agree with this designa- hole right now, and I have a lot of precincts double counted my votes because tion? Libertarian friends who are constantly com- of a mistake over write-in candidates. There Young: That’s funny because a lot of peo- plaining about certain rights that are being were several write in candidates on the bal- ple, especially here in the South, tend to put stripped away. I know there were a heck of lot. Almost all of the people who voted for it more on the right. They seem to think of a lot of people protesting the war, some of me were voting for the write-in candidates all of us as conservatives who just like to whom I think just hate Bush. I knew a lot of as well. And whenever they would vote for smoke dope or something. But I like to people who felt the same way about Clinton the write-in candidate, it would kick the bal- think of it as not being on the left or the for eight years, as if for eight years he could lot out of the machine, so my votes right, but on a diamond chart. Ever seen a do no right. But I’ve tried not to be ended up being counted twice. I made Nolan Chart, the world’s smallest political that kind of person. As much as I fol- a comment just jokingly on the board quiz? That’s where I consider Libertarians low politics, I try not to let the that, “I don’t know how this hap- to be. I don’t consider us to be on the left or happiness and quality of my life pened. Maybe when the polls closed on the right. I see us on the top of the dia- be affected by who is or is not in that night all the precinct workers mond, with the authoritarians and fascists power. got drunk or stoned or on the bottom. REMEMBERING WESLEY by Scott Cox-Stanton Wesley was my brother, and I 1963-2003 never new the bounds of his music. With his permission, I’ve reprinted here belt became a difficult ordeal. But Wesley always We were all in foster homes as chil- the letter that Wesley Willis’s brother, Michael, insisted that we all wear our seatbelts – another small dren and, until I was seventeen, I had shared with Wesley’s family, friends, and fans at his way that Wesley showed how much he cherished life. never spent much time with him. funeral service and on the web- I never heard Wesley feel sorry for himself. Instead, Sure, we had visits but they were all site. This letter offers a perspective on Wesley that he wrote a song about his weight: “I’m sorry I got fat, supervised so we never got to play many of his recent friends didn’t have. I was lucky to I will try to slim down.” No nonsense. Wesley always and frolic like children did. meet some of Wesley’s brothers at his service. cut to the point. People take things for granted Michael Willis’s words, his sincerity, his personality, Wesley made the best of all situations. Years like having a mom and dad and a and his warmth – not to mention his looks – remind- after being diagnosed with schizophrenia, Wesley feeling of security that all children ed me so much of Wesley. Like Wesley, Michael was diagnosed with diabetes. Like all things in life, should feel. We didn’t have that, but downplayed the horrific times that he’d lived through Wesley handled his diabetes like a trooper. When through all the adversity we rose. and used his time at the service to honor his brother, he’d visit, he’d buy sugarless foods. After he decid- Wesley was twenty when he got to connect with Wesley’s fans and friends, to offer a ed he was lactose-intolerant, he’d buy dairy-free his first keyboard. It was a Casio. It positive perspective, and share more than a few foods. He took whatever circumstances came his was so small in his hands. He could laughs. way and adapted. He wouldn’t let anything destroy barely hit the keys, so when he sold When Michael speaks of being “ridiculed” in the his joyride! another drawing he got another one, projects, he doesn’t come Then Wesley was told bigger than the last! close to signifying what that he had leukemia. It was Wesley also loved listening to most of us mean by In a very small town in the hard to tell how Wesley felt rock bands like The Scorpions, Bon “ridicule.” The middle- middle of Ohio, Wesley about this. When Wesley Jovi, Pink Floyd, The Cure, many school variety of ridicule called me and told me he others. He would ask our brothers that many of us have known walked in with loads of had cancer, in the next Steven and Walter to play songs for pales in comparison to what money in each hand. As he breath, he was telling me him to dance to, and they would play Wesley and his family about his new keyboard and them all night. They had record col- knew. I hope we remember walked toward the teller, its heavy metal sound. lections that would rival Dr.Wax! He that the next time we hear relishing the moment, Cancer was just one more would hold his arms out to his sides anyone crying about the thing trying to stop his like he was flying and bounce around perils of being a punkrock- Wesley proclaimed, “I’m joyride and he wasn’t going like he was on fire and would sing so er. Wesley Willis and I’m a to let it. I know he must Not long ago, I was dri- loud! motherfucking hustler. have been scared as a baby He also had a love for clocks as ving Wesley home from a sometimes, but he chose not well. One day, he came home with a visit, back to his motel in You better recognize.” The to dwell on it. He was too school clock, so I asked him, “Why Mount Prospect, Illinois. As bankers failed to see the busy living to stop and think don’t you get a wristwatch?” not we drove into Chicago and about dying. And that’s how realizing his wrists were too large. the high rises came into humor, and Wesley was he was until the very end. He said, “‘cause I like it.” So that view, Wesley asked if I escorted out of the bank. When people remember was that. would drive him by an area Wesley, I want them to Our mother was very abusive of the housing projects he remember his strength, his and an alcoholic. She would take his used to live in. As we got endless capacity for joy, and money and drink herself to sleep for close, I could see the fear and silence in Wesley. It most of all, his dignity. We live in world that’s what reason I never knew. Roger Lee was an overwhelming moment. The memories wound-up so tightly, that it’s hard for some people to was her boyfriend at the time. He seemed to hit Wes hard, and he said in a very assur- comprehend the immense dignity of someone who was far from being a model citizen. ing voice (and if you know Wesley, you know the has a mental illness and has no problem writing a He would have my older brothers voice I’m talking about), “It was a fucking war song like “I’m sorry I got fat,” or saying “my dick running back and forth to the liquor zone.” I took that as a cue that it was time to move on has to piss” when he has to pee. But he had dignity store all night long!! He was the and head to the suburbs where Wes was staying. I like no other. He was proud of his work, and rightly straw that broke up our already frac- could not even imagine the hell that Wesley went so. He had a work ethic that would rival anybody’s. tured home. through in his younger life. I am so awed and so He was a truly great, honest, and dependable friend. But Wesley, Walter, Steven, and thankful that he rose through all the adversity and He was the best bullshit detector I have ever seen. He Richard were the backbone of my spread sunshine to so many people. When most of us knew who the “real” people were and he made teen years. They taught me to appre- would have given up, Wesley went forward 100% friends with them. The others, he simply dismissed ciate life, no matter how hard it was and channeled his creativity into making drawings of as customers. When I hear the talk of “is he being living in the projects. We were Chicago, which he sold. It was, for him, a way out of exploited?” I laugh. That’s an insult to Wesley and to always under ridicule by the people his circumstances. the people who were so moved by his art and music. there, getting robbed. Life was very Enter schizophrenia. Schizophrenia, an illness He was an artist and a musician because he was an hard, but through it all Wesley that afflicts about one percent of the population, is artist and musician. He wasn’t on stage because reached for his brass ring and head- the most severe and devastating form of mental ill- somebody made him get up there. He was there to butted it, PROVING WHERE ness known to humankind. With its onset, Wesley’s strut his stuff, to make money, and to meet his fans. THERE’S A WILLIS, THERE’S A life took on a whole new realm of difficulties and His “demons” (the voices in his head) did what they WAY!!! complexities that were out of his control. The horri- could to shoot his plans down, but Wesley’s capacity To all of his fans/friends, god ble illness tortured him in so many ways. The very for joy and his enormous will always won out in the bless you for the kind words you have medications, which were intended to provide him end. for my brother. ROCK ON CHICA- relief from the voices in his head, caused innumer- Wesley truly enjoyed talking with everyone. GO, ROCK OVER LONDON!!! You able side effects, including weight gain. Gaining so There were no hierarchies in Wesley’s world. gave music and memories never to much weight took a toll on Wesley’s joy. Getting out Though Wesley had many “high profile” friends, he be forgotten! I’ll see you soon, so of bed to use the bathroom was as strenuous as a didn’t care if you were Joe-celebrity or Joe-the-sand- save me a seat!! five-mile run. Getting in a car and putting on a seat- wich-artist. Everybody was on the same playing field –Michael Willis pictures courtesy of the Willis family and Eyeosaur Productions and he made everyone feel important. Wesley ticket (usually Airtran, Amtrak, or Greyhound), who loved him, his bellowing voice, his hilari- liked to introduce himself to new people by and visit for days or weeks. He would enjoy ous and tender answering-machine messages saying, “Hello, I’m Wesley Willis and I’m a playing his keyboard and writing new songs and phone calls, his hand-holding, his eyes, and rock star.” He took that title with pride, and he about the friends he made on each visit. his unfathomable warmth will be missed forev- really did embody everything a rock star should I was blessed to have been such a close er. be. He was a rock star, but he was like no other friend of Wesley’s. I was lucky enough to spend Though there’s really no way that words rock star I’ve ever known. He would stay after time with him right up to the very end. He was can capture what it was like to hang out with a show and talk with his fans all night, giving still in positive spirits the last time I saw him in Wesley, I do want to share a few of my favorite affectionate headbutts and exchanging phone his Hospice hospital bed. He was cracking memories. Those of us who were lucky enough numbers to make contact later. He loved to visit jokes and being the Wesley we all loved. to spend a lot of time with Wesley have an end- his fans, as they quickly became not just fans, However, we knew Wesley was dying, and it less supply of stories such as these. I hope these but friends. Other rock stars visit the homes of was heart breaking. Wesley was my great words can convey a bit of the humor, sweet- their fans for an hour or so, when MTV’s cam- friend, my mentor, my muse, and angel. ness, and joy that Wesley shared so generously eras are rolling. But Wesley would buy his own Though his immense spirit lives on in all of us with his friends. 73 Wesley, the early bird: Wesley was set to visit us in Florida. We showed up at the Jacksonville airport early to meet him at his gate. Much to my surprise, I saw Wes at the front door of the airport in a wheelchair, with a security guard on each side of him. Wes saw me and got a huge grin on his face, “Scott Causey! I decided to come early. I have been here for four hours. Flight 8590 from Chicago to Atlanta was a joyride. Flight 337 from Atlanta to Jacksonville was a hellride. I had an outburst on the air- plane.” The security guards did not look very happy.

Wesley’s bonding rituals: In addition to head- butting, Wesley liked to hold hands – I remem- ber driving all night in our Dodge Stratus rental car, holding hands and singing Roger Miller’s “King of the Road” and Glenn Campbell’s “” at the top of our lungs.

Wesley the headbanger: On one road trip, Wesley strutted his stuff up to the counter of a Wendy’s in Michigan City, Indiana, with his headphones blaring. To the woman at the counter, he said (loudly!), “How do, Miss? I’m just having a rock and roll joyride, listening to that satanic heavy metal of Iron Maiden.” old he was. Wesley answered with cheer, and Dragnews on a short tour of the south and I Wesley, the Krautrocker: In his Hospice hos- asked how old she was. She said nineteen. played slide guitar to accompany his new batch pital room, Wesley had a little fan mounted on Without missing a beat, Wesley said, “You are of “country rock songs.” During the first show, his bedrail to keep his face cool. I told him that 6,935 days old.” I remembered the number so I I requested that Wes play one of his hits, if you sing into a fan, you’ll sound like a robot. could test Wes later and call his bluff. He was because his fans were calling them out. Wes Immediately, he turned toward the fan and belt- completely accurate, and from that day on, Wes shouted at me, “Shut the hell up. I’m doing new ed out Kraftwerk’s “We are the Ro-bots... doo has been my calculator and telephone book. songs. I ain’t no rerun from What’s doo dee doo.” (He remembered nearly every telephone num- Happening.” I learned to shut my mouth and ber he’d ever been given – and that was a lot.) play along with the man and his music. Wesley, the Christian: Driving through Alabama with Wesley, our radio stopped for a Wesley, the advisor: My wife Tracy taught at while on a religious station. The preacher said, When I hear the talk of “is he the University of Florida. One day, when “The Lord is my shepherd,” and Wesley spout- being exploited?” I laugh. That’s Wesley was visiting, she came home and told ed out, “The Lord is my German shepherd.” an insult to Wesley and to the him how discouraged she was with her class. people who were so moved by his She said she’d given a test and nearly every Wesley, the conversationalist: The day that student had failed it. She asked Wesley what art and music. He was an artist she should do. As if it were obvious, Wesley Wesley was being moved into the Hospice and a musician because he was an house, due to his severe pain, the doctor came replied, “Give ‘em a re-test.” That’s what she artist and musician. He wasn’t on did. into his room to check on him one last time and stage because somebody made him tell him he’d be moving. Wes was listening to his music, and when the doctor walked in, get up there. Wesley, the pop culture encyclopedia: Tracy Wesley called out to him, “Do you like that and I had just heard the news about the fire at rock and roll song called ‘The Frogs’?” The Wesley, the “good ol’ boy”: Wesley was lying the Great White concert. We couldn’t quite doctor looked at me, confused. I said, “He in his hospital bed, looking very bad. We were place the band, and struggled to remember their asked if you like his rock and roll song called scared that he was fading away. Then suddenly, hits. As with any other time we needed rock- ‘The Frogs.’” The doctor was already a covert; he shook his head and opened his eyes wide, ’n’roll trivia, we called Wesley. Without hesita- he said he loved it. pronouncing, “I’m just glad they got Uday and tion, he said, “Great White sings ‘Once Bitten Qusay.” Twice Shy.’” He proceeded to sing the song. Wesley, telling it like it is: Back in his hotel We told him about the concert and he was real- room after a show, Wesley did the first thing he Wesley the joker: Wesley decided in the mid- ly bummed. always did. He counted his money. This night, dle of a tour that he needed to get larger bills so he’d made an especially large amount of he wouldn’t have to carry such a wad of cash. A final memory: In my final memories of money. I walked into his room to find him Wes could get very pushy, and he pushed on. Wesley, he is tended by his caretakers and naked, lying on his bed, surrounded by money. So I drove him up to a bank in a very small friends: Carla Winterbottom and Tammy Smiling, he shouted out to me, “I’m a rich town in the middle of Ohio. Wesley walked in, Smith. Their endless, loving care brought great black man!” dressed in his Sean John gear, with loads of peace to Wesley, and to those of us who loved money in each hand. As he walked toward the Wesley. I know that their presence made Wesley, the advocate for the working class: teller, relishing the moment, Wesley pro- Wesley’s final days a joyride. When I visited Wesley sang a couple of Beatles songs at a con- claimed, “I’m Wesley Willis and I’m a mother- him, I knew it was the last time I would see cert. First, he sang “Hey Jude,” then he sang, fucking hustler. You better recognize.” The him. It was slow leaving, and I remember “All the Lonely People,” but he did his own bankers failed to see the humor, and Wesley standing at the door and telling Wes goodbye version, changing it to “All the Working was escorted out of the bank quicker than he for about the twentieth time. Wes got the last People.” Wesley was fascinated with the work- could calculate how many days were in forty- words in. To my wife, he said, “I love you, ing class, and he really did appreciate workers. three years. Tracy.” He then turned to me and said, “See you later, Biscuithead.” Wesley, the human calculator: A young lady Wesley; he ain’t no rerun: I quickly learned I love you, Wesley, and I will see at a concert in Milwaukee asked Wesley how that Wesley does exactly what Wesley wants to you later, Biscuithead. do. He invited me to be a member of the 75 Dan Monick’s Photo Page

“Any kid who tells on another kid is a dead kid” —Richie White, “Over the Edge” The accompanying music is sloppy, Please note: If you’re mid-tempo for the most part and just as obnoxious as the lyrics. In short, this is an established record the perfect holiday gift for your most company, and you send cherished Crasshole buddy on whom the us a pre-release without humor will be completely lost. –Jimmy Alvarado (The Only Label in the World) all the album art, we’re probably going to throw ASSCHAPEL: that shit away... Fire and Destruction: CD Twelve tunes of blazing hardcore/thrash cock gobblers. that is on the borderline of metal at times. All the songs have titles like “Unholy Destruction,” “The +/-: You Are Here: CD Sledgehammer Assault,” and so on. You The band is doing the symbol thing like get the idea. These guys don’t disap- Prince or it’s easier to graffiti your band point. This is one kick ass CD. It even name around town instead of writing it comes with a thick booklet too. These out as Plus/Minus. That was the only guys are scheduled to tour Europe soon. thing of interest here. The music bored If you don’t live in Europe I’m sure you the shit out of me. –Donofthedead can catch them in their hometown of (Teen Beat) Nashville, TN! Either way, see them if the opportunity arises. Now go buy this 2¢ WORTH: Sung by what sounds like a pair of short school CD. –Mike Beer United States of Hysteria: CD bus riding coeds in matching his and her hockey (Crimes Against Humanity) From Sin City, USA, these guys give you a CD of twenty-one songs. They helmets after their being partially euthanized : remind me a lot of older . with nail polish remover on the way to the Seven’s Travels: CD Fast and melodic. It’s a well done CD. If studio. Now THAT'S a beautiful thing, man. I’m no authority on hip hop. The depth you like Bad Religion or melodic punk, of my knowledge goes little deeper than this is for you and it’s only six dollars –Nørb Public Enemy to the Wu-Tang. I ulti- post paid from AVD Records! mately got turned off by the talk about –Mike Beer (AVD) ments are spare, yet oddly melodic, and when they have to, and the playing goes bitches and gats and bling bling and the lyrics are often political in nature, from epic to atmospheric to anthemic whathaveyou. A couple years back, I got 9 POUND HAMMER/ resulting in an overall well executed without the acrid smell of a band using turned onto Atmosphere by their fellow SOUTH 75: Split 7” package. I dog a lot of the newer oi the musical clutch for the first time and Minnesotans, Dillinger Four and Dan Four songs by two bands that refuse to stuff, primarily because so much of it doing that horrid whisper to scream to Monick (who takes pictures for this let the memory of the Fabulous sucks so bad, but this is a nice example whisper bullshit. Besides all that, these magazine). It’s addictive stuff. The Thunderbirds and Molly Hatchet fade of a band managing to keep things “tra- seven songs are genuinely catchy, take rhymes are organic, flow effortlessly, into obscurity. Take from that what you ditional” without resorting to wallowing time to breathe, sound heartfelt, and are made by humans I can relate to in will, and keep in mind that the labels on in a cesspool of drunken, violent stereo- although well played by each member, more than one way (they name drop this record are printed on the wrong types. Thumbs up. –Jimmy Alvarado aren’t a wankfest. Thumbs up. –Todd Lifter Puller and sing about drinking sides. –Not Josh (Eugene) (www.ghetto-rock.com) (Attention Deficit Disorder) Jim Beam, among other things), and it keeps my head bobbing. Also, since I A FRAMES: Self-titled: CD ALLERGIC TO BULLSHIT: ARGIES: know a little bit about the band, they Seeing as there’s a dearth of information Train I Ride: 7” Himnos de Combate: CD were seriously courted by the majors but included with his, I know jackshit about Ivy, who sings for ATB, has a wonderful A collection of singles tracks released decided – partially because they’re a both band and release. So far as I am set of pipes. She’s clear, loud, and can domestically to support this long-run- diehard part of the underground com- able to deduce, these guys are either hold a note. The fact that she’s fronting ning Argentine band’s upcoming US munity and partially because they’re not some old fringe-punk band from the a dirty DIY punk band makes these pro- tour. Musically, this leans toward the suckers – to pass on the easier sellout early ‘80s or are heavily influenced by ceedings mighty fine. This’ll probably Clash side of the punk equation, right route and were able to make the exact such groups. The music is rife with the help about fifteen people out, but ATB down to the fascination with reggae, yet album they wanted to. If you want a angular, choppy rhythms and monotone sounds like Seaweed (nice and sinewy. they manage to retain enough individu- complete change of taste, or hang out vocals that so many of the bands in that The songs breathe and aren’t claustro- ality to keep from ending up in the dung with a bunch of people who loath punk, gray area between art punk and edgy phobic) coupled with the occasional fun heap of bands ripping off days past this may be your bridge. new wave seemed to wallow, sounding but sad motivation of Bitchin’. Songs (cough…Rancid…cough). A damn fine –Todd (Epitaph/ Rhymesayers) sorta like Servotron covering the range from the joy of riding a train to collection and proof that the United Normal. Either way, old or new, these the sorrow of being a product of a foster States and England aren’t the only BENEATH THE ASHES: guys rock somethin’ fierce. home (“Fuck You Motherfucker”). Iggy hotbeds of punk rock greats. Nailed to Your Ruins: CD –Jimmy Alvarado (S-S) Scam (author of the great zine, Scam) –Jimmy Alvarado (Cochebomba) A personal wet dream of mine would be not only plays guitar but writes an infor- to one day watch all the whimpering ABUSE, THE: mative essay on a pack of spray-paint- ARGONAUT: emo bands and all the “AAAUUUR- Are You Ready for…: 7” ing, beer-drinking punks and some Shoot the Moon: CD RRGH!” metal bands (such as this one) Pretty typical American things to remember when fingered by Sludgy stoner rock about as exciting as take a flying fuck hand-in-hand off the here. Songs about not belonging, living The Man as a group. Skip laundry for a the last LP. Pass the bong, nearest cliff. Well, there’s that one and in the “lawless streets,” and, of course, couple days and send your two dollars I think I’m Ozzy. –Jimmy Alvarado the other in which John Wayne Gacy is drinking comprise the bulk of this to ‘em. You won’t be sorry. –Todd (Infect) free and attracted to boys in horn- release. They’re good on a musical ($2 ppd., Half-Day) rimmed glasses, Beneath the Ashes t- level, but lyrically there’s nothing ARTLESS: Plugged: CD shirts, and sporting the latest in back- remotely new, exciting or remotely ALTAIRA: Weigh Your Assuming that most Razorcake readers pack fashion. –Jimmy Alvarado (State clever. –Jimmy Alvarado Conscience: 7-song CD are familiar with MRR scribe and peren- of Grace, address thoroughly illegible) (www.theabuse.web1000.com) Although, yes, you could make a very nial fly-in-the-ointment Mykel Board, convincing argument that Altaira this is the collected recordings of his BETWEEN THE LINES: ALLEGIANCE: Whose cribbed the game plan of Hot Water punk band, Artless, who were active in Wake Up Call: LP Border, Whose Fight: CD Music’s Forever and Counting and have the ‘80s. Collected here are tracks Yeah, this is the stuff. Twelve tracks of Based solely on the sound of this, one looted some from Tiltwheel’s basement, culled from the band’s three LPs, and a fast, angry Belgian . The might mistakenly take these guys for I still think they’re mighty good. single or two, plus a few unreleased singer screams instead of grunting, the some long-lost British oi band from (Translation: burlap vocals, the bass, tracks. As expected considering the band is tight, and the music kicks pretty 1982 or so, but no, this is comprised of guitars, and drums all have to work source, the lyrics are faux-reactionary in hard. It’s also slightly melodic and fifteen tunes recorded within the last six hard, and it’s all very personal without tone to piss off all the lefty sensibilities would fit in well with , years in Japan by what appears to be resorting to personal attacks or boo hoo- that permeated the scene back then, with the Get Up and Go’ers, and Paint It two Japanese dudes and a white guy. athons.) Altaira have got a natural feel titles like “When You’re My Age You’ll Black. Check ‘em out. –Not Josh True to the style they’re obviously influ- of song weight and dynamics: not one Be Selling Insurance,” “Vegetable (Rock n Roll Radio) 78 enced by, the arrange- instrument dominates, the vocals snarl Rights,” and “We Want Nuclear War.” BLACK JETTS, THE: exactly what it sounds like, minus the 3-songs: CDEP solos and trimming the song length while Can you be any hipper? I bet at least one still setting a definite tone and not shying band member has bought leather pants away from slower, heavy breakdowns. since they started the band. My guess It’s awesome (in the original sense, not would be that it’s whoever is playing that the dude/brah sense) and amazingly cin- groooovy tambourine. Plus, it’s on that ematic. It’s almost impossible not to “vinyl CD” which I just don’t get at all. have something play and worm around Top 40 7”s It sure as hell doesn’t fit on my spindle. in your head when the record spins. I pic- –Megan (www.theblackjetts.com) ture bombed out cathedrals, but that’s just me. I’ve always wondered what Ms. Pants says: BLACKS, THE/ Lemmy and Co. would have sounded CIVIC MINDED 5: split 7” like if they were sliced in half, length- In case of fire, The Civic Minded 5 rules. They’re kinda ways, and sewn onto the sliced-in-half like a cross between Black Flag (the gui- bodies of . I no pack these in the tar tone and the intensity of the music) longer have to. Rumor is, they’ve done and FYP (the spazzed out good times all Turbonegro sets and called them- truck first. and the we-don’t-give-a-fuck attitude). selves Turbohooker, so they’ve got to They epitomize everything I like about have a sense of humor, too. –Todd punk rock, and these two songs are their (Heart First) These are the best yet. And the Blacks…jeez. I’ve top 7”S since heard a lot of bands, and the Blacks don’t BOUNCING SOULS, THE: the last mag. really sound like any of ‘em, definitely a Anchors Aweigh: CD compliment in this case. It’s loud, fast, These guys are back once again with a and noisy, and I like it a lot, especially brand new full length. If you’re a fan of the drumming, which is unbelievable. The Bouncing Souls, you will be delight- Underground Medicine Mailorder, Conneticut Great split. –Not Josh ed. Sixteen songs of what you have come (Recess/ Chemical Valley) to love from these guys. Melody, soul, and a tuneful experience. To top it off, 1. Carbonas, I’m Astray (Die SlaughterHaus) some personal lyrics, as well. Pop punk (Rapid Pulse) BLACKS, THE: Self-titled: 7” 2. Deadly Weapons, You’re So Selfish NOTE: All my 7” reviews were done at its finest. So if you’re a fan, pick this Vaticans, Commotion (Pure Filth) with the lights out this issue. WHAT I up. It even comes with some bonus CDR 3. THOUGHT IN THE DARK: Song #1: footage! –Mike Beer (Epitaph) 4. The Fitts, II (Big Neck) This is the worst Bo Diddley i’ve ever 5. The Bags, Disco’s Dead (Artifix) heard in my life. If i ever emit a Bo BREAK, THE/ (Solid Sex Lovie Dolls) LET IT BURN: Split: CD 6. The Blacks, Doin’ Me In Diddley this bad, shoot me. Actually, , Turned On {special edition} (Bancroft) even if i’m merely WATCHING a band The Break: Decent enough poppy punk 7. Mystery Girls (Solid Sex Lovie Dolls) emitting a Bo Diddley this bad, and i rock, although the emo flourishes of the 8. Scat Rag Boosters, Leavin’ Town don’t kill THEM, kill ME, for being a second track made my flesh crawl. Let It , Goin’ Down on You (Rapid Pulse) Burn: I really liked the music here, rife 9. Sgt. 6 Assault passive enabler. Song #2: Sounds like (Ken Rock) the second song on an old one-sided Rip with just the right balance of pop hooks 10. Henry Fiat’s Open Sore, I Was a Teenage Pretty Boy Off Records 45. Not bad. Song #3: and hardcore attack, but that slight whine Hmm, i’m not sure if i can count this as in the singer’s voice and his monotone a Bo Diddley or not, but if i could, the delivery just grated like nails on a black- first one wouldn’t really be all that bad. board. A little more vocal melodicism Dr. Strange Records Song #4: Pretty common “He’s Waiting” and I would’ve been all over myself California type chords, drummer occasionally does praising these muthafuckas. –Jimmy 1. Skulls/Texas Thieves Alvarado (Doghouse) split (Dr. Strange) a neat little Mitch Mitchell kinda thing. 2. Operation Ivy Eh. WHAT I THOUGHT WHEN THE , Hectic (Lookout) LIGHTS CAME ON: Hey! Martin BROKEN BOTTLES: 3. Bay Area Thrash, various artists (625) Savage! From the Locomotions and the Not Pretty: CDEP 4. Aus Rotten There are two kinds of punk rockers: , Fuck Nazi Sympathy (Havoc) Tokyo Knives! Geez, don’t quit your day 5. Lower Class Brats job, dude (said day job, i assume, being those who like Broken Bottles, and those , Deface the Music (Punkcore) 6. to play “Sigma Attack” non-stop for six who have descended from a feral species Thretning Verse, Time for War (Puke n Vomit) of goat-people who live an underwater or seven hours at a time to small groups 7. Gnats Sucker, All Things… (625) of invalids and shut-ins)! BEST SONG: grotto off San Clemente and subsist on a “You Don’t Love Me” BEST SONG diet of radioactive cheese. Seriously, I 8. Limpwrist/Knifed, split (Rejected) know there are people out there who TITLE: “Mojo Bean” FANTASTIC 9. Caustic Christ/R.AM.B.O., split (Busted Heads) AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: I have num- don’t like the Bottles, and I don’t get it. The songs are fast, catchy, layered with ber 66 of 500, and the only professional 10. A Global Threat , Earache (ADD) athlete in any sport i can think of who tension and have epic hooks. For those wore #66 was Ray Nitschke of the Green of you who have only seen them live and Bay Packers. –Rev. Nørb haven’t listened to their recorded output: (Zaxxon Virile Action) you’re missing out. It’s sharp, sonic, super-clean. The title track, “Not Pretty,” Disgruntled Mailorder, California BLISTERHEAD: is an inverted love song stripped of all sentimentality and “Orange County” is Punk Royale: CD 1. Lipstick Pickups, Better Than You One word: RANCID. These guys are the best kind of anthem: short, savage (Kapow) and emblematic of awful honesty that 2. Loli & The Chonies very influenced by Rancid. They live in , Weenie Choker Rock N Roll (Repent) doesn’t need to be articulated to be true. 3. Sweden and I’m sure Rancid is their First Time, You Can’t Hurt Me (Johnny Cat) favorite band. For what this band does, My only complaint is that it only lasts 4. Toys That Kill/Fleshies sixteen minutes. This EP gives every split picture disc (Geykido Comet) they do it well. The lyrics are good, the 5. Henry Fiat’s Open Sore music is good and its very singalong-y indication that the Bottles first full- , I Was a Teenage Pretty Boy (Pandacide) length on TKO will be the most antici- 6. like Rancid, although I must say these Tokyo Knives, Smell My Ass (Ken Rock) pated release of the year. guys do have early rock’n’roll thing in 7. Flash Express their sound too, which makes it interest- –Money (Finger) , Who Stole the Soul (Revenge) ing. So if you like Rancid or the style 8. , Gargoyle they play, you will love this CD. –Mike BUMP- N -UGLIES: All- (Ultra Under) Beer (KOB and Mad Butcher) American 4-Pack: 7” 9. Clorox Girls NOTE: All my 7” reviews were done , self-titled (Johnny Cat) BORN DEAD ICONS: with the lights out this issue. WHAT I 10. Dirtbombs, Pray for Pills (Corduroy) Unlearn: 7” THOUGHT IN THE DARK: Holy shit, If I say the Motorhead of hardcore, it this sounds just like that Bump-N-Uglies doesn’t do this band justice, but that’s 7-inch i reviewed in issue #14, and Toby reviewed in issue #15. WHAT I CARRIE NATIONS/ CLANN ZU: Rua: CD THOUGHT IN THE DARK: Song #1: THOUGHT WHEN THE LIGHTS THIS BIKE IS A PIPE BOMB: Is it bedtime already? Complicated artsy Cheater beats are definitely a lost art. CAME ON: D’oh!!! BEST SONG, split: 7” stuff that has me scrambling for my Song #2: Well, at least it STARTED like BEST SONG TITLE, ET AL: op. cit. I was super excited to see this one come Raw Power record so I don’t fall asleep. one of the weird instrumental songs off –Rev. Nørb (Low Down) out. Two great bands, each with two –Not Josh (G7 Welcoming Committee) the first Meat Puppets 7-inch... Song #3: tracks only available on this 7”. Both It’s a good thing i restrict my gambling BUSINESS LADY: B Lady: CD bands have a folk-inspired feel to them CLOROX GIRLS: Self-titled: 7” to placing wagers on basketball games, Shit, I’m gonna have a hard time with and deal with some serious issues, but Four tracks of lo-fi, straight-ahead punk because i would’ve put fifty-to-a-hun- this one. These youngsters have made a never lose a dance-y pace. My favorite rock here. The three mid-tempo tunes dred down that this song couldn’t possi- pretty big impression on me lately, and track is TBIAPB’s “Better off Dead,” were good, but the last track, a raver bly suck as bad as the last one... and as sometimes happens with bands that which has the overlapping male and called “Trashy Daydream,” is the pick lost. Song #4: Uhh... how much would it really hit me in the face, I’m having a female vocals that they have pretty of the litter. That tune alone makes his break your heart if i told you i took the hard time coming up with pigeonholes much perfected. Highly recommended. worth yer green. Better act quickly, record off in the middle of Song #3? and reference points. Musically, they –Megan (Plan-It-X) though, ‘cause there are only four hun- WHAT I THOUGHT WHEN THE remind me a lot of Chicken Scratch, dred of these puppies out there. LIGHTS CAME ON: When You Get whose 1990 Important People Lose CATCH 22: Awaken: CD –Jimmy Alvarado (Jonny Cat) This Letter, Burn It? I think they actual- Their Pants has high status with me, but Thirteen tracks of killer early ‘80s ly meant to say “When You Get This I haven’t talked to anyone who knows metal. I’m not talking thrash metal, but COLLISIONS, THE: RECORD, Burn It.” BEST SONG: who Chicken Scratch was in ten years, mid-paced metal. Full-on bang-your- Talk Is the New Action: CD Song #4, o’ course BEST SONG so that probably won’t help you. There head metal: Ozzy, Dio, Twisted Sister. Boring, arty . –Jimmy TITLE: “When You Get This Record, is (in this Locustian town) a certain There is a little influence in Alvarado (www.windjam.com) Burn It,” which i had to invent for them post-Locust aspect to it with the key- there, but minus all the whacked-out FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA boards and whatnot, but without all the clothes and makeup. You get it all. COMMUNITY SERVICE FACT: The guitar player’s name is spasticism or theatre. There’s disso- Killer solos, great song titles (“Blood on PROJECT, THE: “XB.J.X” Presumably his friends call nance, so you might could call it no the Bricks” is one of the many), high- Process of Illumination: CD him “XB?” –Rev. Nørb (Pop Riot) wave, or experimental at least. There’s pitched drawn-out notes! One of those melodicore bands that are boys and a girl taking turns with the YEEEEAAAAAAAA! For what it is, musically competent but didn’t get me CURSES, THE: singing and screaming (probably all join this CD is killer, and if you yearn for the interested from the get go. Throw A Fit: 7” in for the two minutes of weeping – so, early ‘80s, grab your jean vest, get this –Donofthedead (Refried) Energetic pseudo- with okay, so there’s some theatre); I was try- CD, and bang your head! –Mike Beer lyrics so simple that one is left to won- ing to think of who the lady singing (Molten Metal) CONSTANTINE: der if whoever wrote them either didn’t reminded me of and Wanda said it’s Shine a Light: CD really bother to put much effort into Kim Gordon. Her voice, when it shows CHEAP SEX: Occasionally noisy alt-rock that starts them or is just some sort of unrecog- up, exudes a kind of passive authority Launch off to War: CD off strong and then veers off into nized haiku genius. –Jimmy Alvarado without really commanding anything. Parrot punk (nice colorful dye jobs, kid- Boringsville right quick. The fact that (Home-Bilt Bomb, no address) The boys scream and yell more, but dies) with all the expected trimmings the singer reminded me of Springsteen that’s boys anyway. Musically, that’s destined to serve as great back- in all the wrong ways didn’t help mat- CZOLGOSZ: Guernica: CD restrained noise and creepy beauty ground music as their adoring fashion- ters much. –Jimmy Alvarado (Sub Pop) In 1937, at the height of the Spanish undulate together and are reflected in punk fans scream “fuck the system” Civil War, Nazi forces bombed lines like “tears and teeth” and “cause while scarfing down a Big Mac. Jeez, CONSUME: Guernica, a small Spanish town. the cuts just a hair bigger.” Overall, considering the sheer number of bands Who’s the Real Monster: 7” Ostensibly, the Nazis were bombing from the musical presentation to the that look and sound exactly like this Whoo-doggie. Aggressive, masterfully Guernica to protect the fascist dictator, lyrics to the visual layout, they seem these days, it must be mucho profitable executed hardcore that’s thought pro- Franco, who was attempting to forcibly like smart people who don’t give a fuck affecting the pose and being a walking, voking (“the need for acceptance has take control of Spain. On the day when what everyone else is doing and maybe talking stereotype. –Jimmy Alvarado overruled competence”) while the the Nazis bombed the town, though, these days that’s all it takes to make me (Punk Core) music’s as heavy and dangerous as a bag there were no soldiers in the town and happy. Must be; it’s working. of hammers thrown out an eight-story no real military targets for them to go –Cuss Baxter (Business Lady) CHECKERS, THE: window into a crowded street. The gui- after. They essentially bombed a mar- Make a Move: CD tar work’s complex, rough, and eerily ketplace, killing more than a thousand BUTTLESS CHAPS: I’m very skeptical of new wave’s cur- melodic, so hints of both Tragedy and people, mostly women and children. Love This Time: CD rent revival in punk rock, because I was- No Parade (two bands well worth seek- The whole point of the attack was to College synth-rock is better than Nyquil n’t that fond of new wave in the first ing out) are present, too. (Also super- demoralize Franco’s opposition. It when you need a good night’s sleep. place. Devo was cool if you didn’t try to early Mudhoney. How odd.) By doing worked. People in Spain were very –Jimmy Alvarado (Mint) listen to a whole album, and there were that, they make one of the catchiest anti- bummed out. The bombing changed the a lot of good new wave songs, but they turning-animals-into-clothing songs face of modern warfare. Since 1937, BUZZARD, EL: were few and far between. I’ve been I’ve heard in a long time. Of interest, to every military in the world that has Self-titled: CD enjoying a lot of the new new wave, keep them being subsumed by the dropped bombs has intentionally from the AmRep school of though, and the basic difference is that waves of other hardcore bands, they not dropped bombs on civilian targets in thud-punk. Some righteous shit here, if the newer bands remember to bring in only have a song about how sharks have order to demoralize their enemies. One that sound is your bag. –Jimmy the rock. The Checkers are a good been demonized (“Carcharodon of Pablo Picasso’s most famous paint- Alvarado (www.el-buzzard.com) example of this. The vocals are quirky Carcharias”), but include an essay on ings, Guernica, is a memorial to this and the music is jerky, but it’s faster and the topic of shark hunting in the lyrics 1937 bombing. The painting Guernica CADAVERS, THE: more rockin’ than any new wave from booklet and have a picture of a shark on used to hang in the press room of the Self-titled: 7” the first round. They show their influ- the cover. Excellent. I love it when hard- United Nations building as a reminder Three tracks from a demo recorded by ences in their covers, ripping through core has undeniable hooks and smarts. of the UN mission to stop this type of the band that became the Bodies. The cool adaptations of “Observer” and –Todd (Consume) tragedy. In March of 2003, Colin Powell music is essentially in the same vein as “The Fanatic.” Really, though, it’s the insisted on covering the painting up the Bodies, meaning that it’s tight, up- originals that carry this album through. CRESTFALLEN: Self-titled: CD before holding a press conference at the tempo and top-notch. The sound quality Songs like “Seeing Spots” and “Is He Seriously over-the-top hardcore, skirt- UN, during which he announced that the is a bit muffled, but the songs are strong In?” really burrow into my brain and ing a fine line between bands like Die US would attack Iraq. The album, enough to shine through. Good stuff. stick with me long after the album has Kreuzen and the grind noise of Nasum Guernica, is the type of smart and angry –Jimmy Alvarado (Radio) ended and I’ve moved on in my day. and the like. The covers of “Minor hardcore that you would expect from a Basically, The Checkers are exactly Threat” and “Human Fly” were a mis- band who would name an album after CAPITAL SCUM: what the Waitresses should’ve been, and take, though. Might I suggest something these events. From the first song, “No Freak Show: 7” Make a Move is a solid album from along the lines of United Mutations or War but the Class War” to the last song, New tracks from an ‘80s hardcore band. beginning to end. –Sean (Teenacide) Void next time ‘round? –Jimmy “Antifascists,” Czolgosz wear their pol- The tunes are reminiscent of both Alvarado (Robotic Empire) itics on their sleeves and rip through Discharge and Battalion of Saints, CIRIL: Hysteria Driven: CD some pretty powerful songs that incor- meaning they are pretty solid doses of Looks like Rudimentary Peni, sounds CRIMES OF THE porate the best aspects of street punk thud punk with gruff vocals and just a like Rudimentary Peni, even has CONSPIRACY: When You Get and hardcore, not unlike Toxic Narcotic hint of metal thrown in the mix. Not too English-accent vocals, but they’re from This Letter, Burn It: 7” and the Pinkerton Thugs. –Sean shabby. –Jimmy Alvarado Long Beach! That’s in California! NOTE: All my 7” reviews were done (Rodent Popsicle) (Rocknroll Radio) Spooky, huh? –Cuss Baxter (Know) with the lights out this issue. WHAT I 81 DAN SARTAIN: Dan Sartain drinking music when you don’t want to punker and/or a dweeb-ass “Teenage DEAR DIARY I Vs. the Serpients: CD piss off the neighbors too much. Slumber Party” regurge-a-tron for the SEEM TO BE DEAD: I’m not sure what this is. The liner –Megan (Swami) duration of an entire compact disc. Self-titled: CD notes say that this Dan Sartain guy Submitted for your approval in this I don’t get this whole screamo phenom- recorded this himself and played most DARLINGTON: matter, from “ATM”: “She likes to give enon any more than the emo phenome- of the instruments, except when he was Moron-a-Thon: CD me head, I like to give her head/She non. I mean, some asshole yelling in helped out by some semi-famous musi- ...if i ever ran a Pop-Punk Whorehouse tastes so good I’ll lick her back to front, my ear does not make the music any cians like Gar Wood and Mario – and who’s to say i don’t already do oh yeah/No way I ain’t ashamed ‘cause more creative or less pretentious, and Rubalcada (). so? – i think one of the hapless johns I love dirty sex/I love the way she basically you get the same suckass emo My theory is that it’s a huge inside joke i’d invoke my one-way-mirror privi- smells and how she tastes, oh yeah” crap with the added bonus of a jerkoff made by the incestuous San leges on would be Christy Darlington. and this, from “Electrocute Me”: “I’m a bucking for throat polyps. They can Diego/Swami Records scene, like I’m not sure why. The guy just always naughty girl, I’m a dirty girl, yeah I’m keep it. –Jimmy Alvarado (Dead Tank) Beehive & the Barracudas. The music struck me as “interesting.” Not “inter- a filthy slut yeah... Well I love porno is basically stripped-down roots rock, esting” as in i’d like to sit him down sex, I’m really hot in bed, I’m a sinner” DEATH WISH KIDS: and it’s pretty good. I hear some echoes and ask him a bunch of deep and philo- and “I love your shorts-n-flops, I love Discography: CD of RFTC and Hot Snakes, and maybe a sophical questions just to help slake to fingerfuck” and even “Love it when A couple of members of Death Wish bit of the Starvations here and there. mine own thirst for knowledge kinda your feet R dirty/Pull your panties Kids, including vocalist Andrea Zollo, –Not Josh (Swami) interesting, but “interesting” like a big down I’ll lick it up yeah.” I mean, how went on to . dragonfly with its brains turned to bub- could ya not love the guy? He’s like And as inventive, distinctive, and DAN SARTAIN: Dan Sartain blegum on your front window still this hopeless pervo-dork who more grounded in songwriting PGMG is, this Vs. the Serpients: CD buzzing and writhing around kinda than likely really believes that If He band wasn’t. This is a collection of I actually saw Dan Sartain play the interesting. I mean, it just seems like Sings It, They Will Come. And then, of songs from that go from bad (their ’95 same day that this came in. He opened the dentist gave him the Loony Gas as course, he will as well – even though release) to worse (their ’94 demo that for his label-mates the Husbands. He a child, and no one ever thought to turn Science says one’ll get infinitely more sounds like it was recorded with towels got me up to the front of the club, but it off. Oh, to be sure, the album starts pussy singing about how one enjoys wrapped around all of the equipment). couldn’t make me dance. It seemed to off deceptively underneath the looni- slapping women up than one will by It’s derivative, clonky, cliché-riddled, teeter on the edge of rocking on out, but ness radar, with a buncha “serious” pledging one’s eternal selfless devotion monkey beat, scream-athon hardcore then got reined back in. A whole room type numbers seemingly aimed at cur- servicing the Temple of Squack in that, even if you’re so bored that you’re of people standing in appreciation, but rying favor with the latter-day Connie song. Dunno why that is. Probably reading along with the lyrics, it’s close wanting just a little more. That’s how I Dungs sales demographic; following because chicks are stupid. Almost as to impossible to decipher them. feel about the album, too. The best that, things ratchet up into a suite of stupid as guys. However, luckily, with Somewhere in the middle of the mess, track is easily the first, “Tryin’ to Say,” honest-to-young-Weasel numbers Christy Darlington on our side, we’ll they go on and rape the shit out of the which is a hard one to follow up. It’s about pool parties and pajama parties never relinquish our slight edge in the Vibrators’ “Whips and Furs.” Yeeowch. raw and the emotion seems genuine. and surfing in Croatia and suchlike, as matter!!! Booyah!!! BEST SONG: –Todd (Aerodrome) From there we go into “PCB 98” which if the guy could somehow simply “ATM” BEST SONG TITLE: is a huge step down, but then the bar is WILL life into a long-dead shindig. “Electrocute Me” FANTASTIC DEATHXDEATH: raised again on “Walk Among the Only at the tail end of the record does AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: Darlington The Glamour of Evil: CD Cobras Part 3.” The rest of the album the TRUE Christy Darlington gibber- were originally known as “The Mess,” Classic OC hardcore, from Oakland. continues on this pattern. Not a bad ing retard pervert savant-itude finally but they weren’t the same The Mess Think “Richard Hung Himself” with album. There are definitely some great surface, as if he was ultimately unable you’re thinking of. loads more speed, an overall darker tracks on there. Best for late night to keep up the pretense of being a sen- –Rev. Nørb (Stardumb) outlook, and updated for today’s actual sitive and artistic Connie Dungs pop- adolescents. Says it’s got a video on it, should merely be locked up and sedated Briefs promo shots, but the band’s great albums that any punk band ever but my computer won’t do it. Do it, you! heavily. Song #3: This song, apparently wrapped in explosives, not hit with bats had. To fully understand this review, –Cuss Baxter entitled “California Nightmare,” is, and chains. –Todd you must also understand the following: without question, the GAYEST FUCK- (Rhinestone/Detonations) I am a huge Down By Law fan. I played DEEP 13: Eleven Stories: CD ING WASTE OF SONIC WAVES i their first album in my first stint in col- Some Louisville hardcore that, while have EVER heard IN MY LIFE. This DISEASE, THE: lege radio. Blue helped pull me through well played, failed to tickle my fancy. song is so fucking gay the only way i’m Dyslexic Experts in recovery after a major illness and Could’ve been the metal overtones run- going to be able to sleep at night is to Reverse Psychology: CD surgery that laid me out for the best part ning rampant on this disc, but some- pretend it was all just a clever and iron- Holy shit, what a racket…. Take the of a year. I made out with my then-girl- thing just didn’t sit right and subse- ic parody. This is the kind of shit your synth chaos of a band like Le Shok, friend while they played their cover of quently failed to keep my interest roommates wake you up with at like 3 channel it through yer average grind The Outlets “Best Friends” at The piqued. –Jimmy Alvarado AM on Thursday morning. In a word: band, dump it in a blender and hit Palladium while touring to support (www.eugenerecords.com) “One Way Ticket to Manitowoc.” Wait, “puree.” Don’t think I’m gonna be able Punkrockacademyfightsong. Hell, I took that’s more than one word. WHAT I to sleep too comfortably tonight. the name for my Web site from that DELTA INDIA ECHO: THOUGHT WHEN THE LIGHTS –Jimmy Alvarado (Alone) album. All Scratched Up got me through They Found My Naked CAME ON: Wait, the Demonics? Is this one of the worst road trips and relation- Corpse Face Down the same Demonics who didn’t used to DISKORDS/ ships of my life. Last of the in the Snow: 7” suck, or is this a whole new Demonics LOW ROLLERS: Split: 7” Sharpshooters came along after my Angry, noisy hardcore with oodles of who have been invented with sucking as Diskords: The first song, “Touch of mom’s suicide and helped bandage violent lyrical imagery and mile-long job #1? BEST SONG: This record is a Evil,” reminds me of “Tatum O’Tot”-era some of those wounds as I recklessly song titles a la Charles Bronson. piece of shit. BEST SONG TITLE: This Red Cross. Their other track is a pretty tore San Diego apart on my mountain –Jimmy Alvarado (Grey Sky) record is a piece of shit. FANTASTIC pedestrian cover of “Summertime bike. If I were ever to get inked with any AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: This record Blues.” Low Rollers: Lo-fi rock, one band-related tattoos, DBL would be the DEMONICS, THE: is a piece of shit. –Rev. Nørb praising the ‘65 Thunderbird, and the first. And I already have it designed. Dunebuggy Gang: 7” (Gearhead) other a cover of Elvis’ “Trouble.” That’s the kind of shit you need to know NOTE: All my 7” reviews were done –Jimmy Alvarado (Jonny Cat) to understand this review. And with all with the lights out this issue. WHAT I DETONATIONS, THE: that said, this album disappoints me. I THOUGHT IN THE DARK: Song #1: Victim b/w Rayman: 7” DOWN BY LAW: windward- don’t suppose that I should be surprised, Neat instrumental, considering it The A-side is the keeper and has the feel tidesandwaywardsails: CD particularly given the ridiculously high reminds me of both Agent Orange and of the Gears, early Cramps, and a sprin- I’ve been dreading writing this review expectations I had for it. I’ll start off as Radio Birdman, two of the most over- kle of X (with the oscillating since the disc showed up in the mail. I objectively as I can – superficially, this rated bands ever, plus i gotta crank the male/female vocals). Nervous, sketchy had to special order this album when it album is a return to musical form for stereo so high to wring any volume out vocals, hollow-sounding guitars, jan- came out to make sure I got a copy, DBL. The songs are short, fast and loud of this 45 i’d probably blow a fucking gling bass and solid songwriting that’s expecting a return to the vintage form – it’s straight-forward melodic punk in fuse if i had the lights on right now. got a nice twang and groove. For the B- that DBL displayed in the first half of the 1993-1994-era SoCal vein. The Song #2: “Dunebuggy Gang?” Whoever side, I don’t think it’d be a bad thing to the 1990s, hoping that the four years songs seem political but, again in the wrote this piece of shit oughtta be cut some of the longer, slower fat that which had passed since Fly the Flag vein of vintage DBL, are primarily dragged thru a gravel pit behind one, keeps the song together. It drags a little. would result in something which sur- expressed in personal terms – simply unless they honestly woke up one day in However, that’s partially made up by the passed the greatness of put, people possess politics which are such a state of dementia they truly beautiful packaging: silk-screened fluo- Punkrockacademyfightsong, All shaped and framed by their experience believed they were the male coming of rescent and silver inks, and a picture Scratched Up and Last of the and DBL has always acknowledged Nikki Corvette, in which case they that looks like an alternate to early Sharpshooters, one of the best runs of that. And with all that said, there just seems to be something missing from had me down front at a show, howling had a no-tape policy. I don’t Me: Songs you hear outside a Fireballs this record. While Fly the Flag was, by along with every word when I was in know if Razorcake has a policy, but this of Freedom show that at first you think and large, a forgettable album, this disc my twenties, it doesn’t say much to me is the first tape I’ve gotten from Todd, are covers of “Milk & Cookies” by the is infuriating precisely because it’s bet- about who I am now, what I’ve seen and I think it’s exactly the reason cer- Offbeats? ter than the previous release, because it and where I’ve been. In a lot of ways, tain zines have a no-tape policy: the CD: I’m sorry, time is up. echoes DBL’s great records of the past that was always what I loved most recording level is so low it’s barely Me: Okay, well, thanks for having me. yet somehow still comes up lyrically about Down By Law’s music. The audible at top volume on two different BEST SONG: “You Got It Wrong” short-handed with lines like “Now he songs reflected where I was and who I tape , the lyric sheet isn’t even BEST SONG TITLE: “(Fuck Off) don’t know but he’s been told / That no felt I was; to crib from the new Give Up set up to go in a cassette case (okay, I Grim Reaper” FANTASTIC AMAZ- government ever had soul” and “No The Ghost record, I loved the songs guess, since it didn’t come in one – it ING TRIVIA FACT: The Who Sell Out flag can help the Lone Ranger tonight.” because I lived the songs. In them I came in a rubber band)(wait, I think it is generally considered the first rock And perhaps it’s the case that the ten- found a mirror that reflected me. And at came in a safety pin and I put the rub- album to omit the song titles from the derness and affection that DBL once this moment, the hardest part of being ber band on later), and there’s no land exterior packaging. –Rev. Nørb (Dirtnap) expressed when writing about strug- both a fan of this band and friends with or email address, just a phone number. gling with growing up (like “All people in it is that while these songs “ECFU” apparently stands for “Electric ELECTRIC EYE, THE: American”) now finds itself framed in may speak to someone at the same City Fuck You” but “you” starts with a Raise the Sword: EP lines which seem trite to me (“Teenage place I was, all they say to me is that “y.” Songs are about “I hate my dad,” Hard rock punk rock about magic nights / Lead to grownup days / That’s I’ve changed and that, while we can “I hate work,” “I hate my school,” “I power and wizards and swords and alright / ‘Cause you learn how to still be friendly and respect each other, hate ,” “I like to skate” stuff. Not as stonery as you’d expect; play”). However – and this is the hard- our less-traveled roads have parted and the movie Return of the Living more along the lines, musically, of est part of this review for me to write – ways. –Puckett (Union) Dead. Call ‘em up: 518-346-7291. I Boston’s Hullabaloo, if anyone remem- if I’m going to be completely honest think they’re from Schenectady. bers them: gruff, goofy vocals, sloppy with myself, I suspect that this album is EAT MY FUK: Wet Slit –Cuss Baxter (ECFU) hard rock riffs and endearing who- exactly the sort of thing that flipped my and a Bottle of Whiskey: CD gives-a-fuck silliness. The Electric Eye lid in all the right ways back in 1994 Liquored up and with hustling, bustling ELECTRIC EYE, THE: are from Portland, Oregon, though. and 1995 and that if I had heard this ding dongs, Eat My Fuk lunge head- Electric Wisdom: CD –Cuss Baxter (Super Secret) album ten years ago, I probably would long into total fukkin’ GG worship, CD: Okay. First song! have gone nuts over it… but that was musically cloning (but with better pro- Me: Songs that sound like the Tight ENABLERS, THE: ten years ago. It’s not now. Some years duction than) the mid-’80s “You’ll Bro’s From Way Back When covering Sweet Fuck All: CD ago, I wrote a bio of sorts for Down By Never Tame Me,” but vocally closer to “Flowers” off of the first Psychedelic I think the singer is trying to be the Law and in it, I noted that punk rock the GG of later years: hoarse and gruff. Furs album! (DING!) modern , even was never supposed to be about the Problem is, Geege was so charming CD: Second song! though the Boss is still putting out past; it’s not supposed to be about who because he tried with all his might to Me: Uh... songs that sound like “Play- records. He sings in the same whispery you were, it’s about who you are and, outdo his heroes, and Eat My Fuk just Doh Meathook” era Electric Love gravel, and he’s got the science down more importantly, who you’re going to tries to be GG. Very punkrockin’ and Muffin covering “Hot for Teacher?” pat. Too bad it just sounds like ass. The be because the best punk has always enjoyable if you can put up with all the (DING!) promo sheet said that they sound like been about change, not nostalgia… or, hole-fingering, juice-gashing and face- CD: Third song! , Leatherface, to crib a line from DBL, “I’m looking loading of wads. –Cuss Baxter Me: Songs that very briefly remind one Replacements, and . forward to not looking back.” Over the (Bestial Onslaught) of that Love & Rockets cover the Gaza Seeing how I like three of those bands, past decade – hell, even over the past Strippers close their set with? (DING!) and don’t mind the other, I feel offend- year – my tastes have changed radical- ECFU: Cassette tape CD: Close enough. Fourth song! ed for those bands. Maybe I should ly and while I can listen to this album Well, hell, I got pissed off when I put Me: Pass. move to Portland, OR. –Megan and hear something that would have out a tape of my band and certain CD: Fifth song! (Newest Industry) EVIL ARMY: early period Good Riddance sound. If say it all – there’s no love loss: they’re trying to sound like the Conquer Human Life: 7” the music was played tighter, the songs “Contaminated (By Your D*!#@K)” , because there’s no other If you ever wondered what DRI would would come off stronger. I know and “Girls Like U (Deserve 2 Die).” way for them to pick up Pete Shelley’s sound like with Glen Danzig crooning metronomes suck, but I think it’s need- But, shit if it ain’t catchy in a Pixies, British accent growing up in and providing the gloomy mental ed here. The intent is there but this early Breeders way where there’s Sacramento. Still, that doesn’t stop the imagery, wonder no more. Evil Army release is hard for me to listen to. creepy, almost intergalactic, fungus FM Knives from taking their influences embrace crossover metal, fronted by a –Donofthedead (Ninety-Six) seeping in on the edges, recorded and making something fresh and new. dude who can sing punk-style opera excellently where it’s all raw and And, no matter how you look at it, the and threatens to “Overrule this place FIRST TIME, THE: chafed as an untreated infection, and FM Knives are fucking awesome and with fire.” Better than Damnation and You Can’t Hurt Me: 7” none of it sounds like mud. As it should this two-song forty-five is worth every the current-day Misfits, that’s for sure, NOTE: All my 7” reviews were done be. –Todd (Big Neck) last penny. –Sean (Dirtnap) but not as good as Orange County’s with the lights out this issue. WHAT I Spooky or Japan’s Balzac if this is your THOUGHT IN THE DARK: Song #1: FIYA: Room for One More: 7” FORNICATORS: bag of bloody halloween treats. –Todd I kinda like this, there’s a part that What is in the Florida water? There are Brat and Punk Division: 7” (Contaminated) reminds me a little of some of the so many good bands coming out of I guess when English isn’t your first bridge in “Erotic Neurotic” by the there right now. Fiya is no exception. I language, you don’t quite realize what FACE FIRST: Saints. Song #2: I kinda like this, it’s don’t hear any unifying sound that a silly name “Fornicators” is. I guess it Ignorant Assholes: 7” got a cool lead. Song #3: I kinda like would place them in with other also doesn’t matter, because these By-the-numbers, vaguely metallic this, probably because i liked the first Gainesville bands that I hold pretty Swedish fuckers rock through three and hardcore with a pissed off singer who two songs. Bonus Track: HEY! highly, but they definitely hold their a half cool street punk songs with atti- seems to have some issues with “THROW IT AWAY” by the own. They play emotional hardcore tude like the Stiff Little Fingers and women. I find it interesting that they GERMS!!! I LOVE this song! This that sounds like neither of those words tight melodies like . claim in one song to see right through record is cool! WHAT I THOUGHT had ever been tainted. –Megan They also have a half of a song that’s a “racist nazi pig[s],” and then parenthet- WHEN THE LIGHTS CAME ON: (Dead Tank) ballad, but we’ll have to look beyond ically title a song “Whoriental” four That was about it, since the record did- that. This is their first seven inch, and I songs later. I guess if it’s in her “nature n’t come with a picture sleeve. BEST FLASH EXPRESS: have to think that they’ll learn to do to be such a whore,” a little hypocrisy SONG: “Throw It Away” BEST SONG Introducing the better and turn into a pretty solid band. never hurt, eh? Methinks the title they TITLE: “Throw It Away” FANTASTIC Dynamite Sound of: CD –Sean (Fornicators) chose is a tad more fitting than they AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: I like Soul-inflected trash punk that, on the intended. –Jimmy Alvarado everything the Germs ever recorded in whole, ain’t as good as some, but is far FOURTEEN OR FIGHT: (Rat Town) a studio, EXCEPT for the GI album, better than most. I’m willing to bet they Self-titled: 7” which is kinda weird, if you think about rock the fuck out of a stage. –Jimmy I like hardcore that’s clean, yet jagged, FILTHY VAGRANTS: it. –Rev. Nørb (Jonny Cat) Alvarado (www.hititnowrecords.com) and startlingly bloody, like a fifteen-car Watching Them Burn: CD pileup on the freeway, only on the First off, I think this might have been FITTS, THE: II: 7” FM KNIVES: stereo. And that’s exactly what recorded and released a little prema- Headed by Alicja of the Lost Sounds Keith Levine/Valentine: 7” Fourteen or Fight deliver. Smash’m, turely. I can’t get over hearing the (who also runs the excellent In the pages of this very magazine, the crash’m, “Thank you Minor Threat, vocalist fall in and out of time, strain- Contaminated Records), this all-female FM Knives claimed that they sound we’ll take it from here” hardcore. If ing to squeeze in the lyrics. The vocal trio plays what I suspect most all-lady nothing like the Buzzcocks, but I’m you’re looking behind the ears, lifting delivery is similar to of bands want to when the world’s suck- here to tell you that they were lying. up the tail, and checking the teeth for Rancid’s style. The music has sort of an ing something awful. The song titles I’m gonna go so far as to say that pedigree, it contains ex-members of MK Ultra, Charles Bronson, and and well placed. If I were in a masochis- along. Better than some of the other HEATSEEKERS, THE: In Ambition Mission. Sweet in a toothless tic mood, I’d beat my finger with a ham- GG-related releases out there, but still Praise of…: CD smile and concussion sort of way. –Todd mer so I could give this a bigger thumbs nothing to write home about. –Jimmy Not essential, but far from disposable (Lengua Armada) up. –Todd (Deranged) Alvarado (TKO) garage punk that owes a lot to the New Bomb Turks, both in the high-stepping FRACUS: On Trial: CD FURIOUS IV: Is That You?: CD GOLDBLADE: instruments and the clear, jets-in-the- Their obvious influence is the Misfits Rancid goes to college. –Jimmy Strictly Hardcore: CD stratosphere vocals of either Ryan or and they are pretty close on the vocals, Alvarado (Naked Jain) This is supposed some hot-shit punk Owen (they both sing). There’s no deny- then they add a Bay Area twist on what band from the UK, but all I’m hearing is ing that they’re catchy, have much-bet- some Texas bands in the mid and late GACY SOUNDTRACK: CD crap rock music with miserable lyrics. ter-than-average songwriting skills, ‘90s started playing. Less Lord High As can be expected from the musical I’m willing to bet they’re embarrassed know what works in the Cramps cata- Fixers and more The Champs. It’s drunk score of one of the more recent entries by the whole exercise in ten years time, log, and can play well. But I don’t hear punk and it’s pedestrian. Maybe I need a in the booming serial killer series of ‘cause this puppy sucks pretty hardcore. that extra spark. Take someone along beer to enjoy it. –Wanda Spragg biopics, the music is, naturally, moody –Jimmy Alvarado the lines of the Beltones (who used to (Cheetah’s) and creepy sounding (what were you (www.thickrecords.com) live nearby, if I’m not mistaken), a band expecting, circus music?!?). If film that took a very similar, tightly clustered : scores ain’t your bag, let me add that GUARDIA NEGRA: set of cues and mixed up the mix just Nightmares: CD this would also make for some primo Adrenalina!: CD enough to stake their own claim. I’m Sweet holy hell, From Ashes Rise have mood music for your next Halloween Don’t know exactly where they hail willing to give the Heatseekers some always been able to assemble full arse- haunted house. Two thumbs up for this from, but they are a self-proclaimed leeway and hear their next release nal hardcore. Nightmares is no excep- on that tip alone. –Jimmy Alvarado anarcho-communist “redskin” band because parts of songs really get mov- tion. Similar in their placement of the (Pascal) who play rudimentary punk and sing in ing, but taken as a whole, it sits right in audio claymore to musical brethren, French and Spanish about petrol bombs the middle. On related news, the drum- Tragedy, the vocals are just on this side GENERATORS, THE: and waging war on the bourgeoisie. mer, Chuck Loose, makes some graphi- of hysteria, they intertwine spools of Excess Betrayal… Hey, man, whatever floats yer boat. cally arresting cool gig posters. You can barbed wire guitars, and the drumming and Our Dearly Departed: CD –Jimmy Alvarado (Cochebomba) check them out on the internet. –Todd seems to permeate everything like some A bit of a musical departure here for (OHEV; www.ohevrecords.com) fuck-you-up biological warfare gas. these guys. The songs on this latest GUNMOLL/ What’s hooked me on From Ashes Rise release are considerably more mature ANNALISE: Split 7” HELLA: Dilute: 2 X CD is no matter where I hear them, dark musically and lyrically introspective Gunmoll have always been a notch from Two full disks of free-form jam rock. I clouds seem to form from their heavi- than previous efforts, sometimes ventur- complete adoration from me. Full-on, just don’t get that shit. Maybe I don’t ness. It’s not all doom and gloom, actu- ing into territory gutted vocals, instrumentation that have the right drugs. I hope I never get a ally, and I find myself grinning along instead of relying on the oi-inspired would make sense in almost any hold of any. –Megan (Sickroom) quite often because their science is so brand of rock/punk they usually rely on. Leatherface song, and plenty of punch. fucking tight. I think for brief seconds There’s an interesting progression going “Fantasy”’s a pretty rockin’ song. But in HENRY FIAT’S OPEN SORE: that From Ashes Rise makes songs that on here that might piss off some fans, “In My Place,” there isn’t that extra I Was a Teenage Pretty Boy: 7” could literally, and instantly, change but nonetheless shows that the boys are “holy shit” element that splinters them What in god’s name has come over me? people’s lives, just like a car accident. putting some work into their craft rather off from bands they’re similar to, like I get a new HFOS recording and I start Think of the best of both than relying on the same-old same-old. Hot Water Music, and, to a lesser to pant and squirm and quake like a and Seein’ Red welded together like a –Jimmy Alvarado (I Used to Fuck degree, Radon. Said in another way, pubescent girl front row at a Justin new monster that’s got new tricks up its People Like You In Prison) they’re second tier. Annalise are okay. Timberlame concert. I can feel my jour- sleeve and old scars to show you what UK pop punk that crib notes from early nalistic dignity wriggling down my legs it’s been through. That said, Nightmares GENUINE: Jam and have more than a passing blush and flying away from me like a pair of differs noticeably from the recently Bury the Hatchet: CD to the Connie Dungs, but the end result love-soaked underpants sailing stage- released split they did with Victims on Complete discography of another band I is more pedestrian and a lot more bland. ward. I gotta get a grip on myself. But Havoc Records. From Ashes Rise’s side never heard of before. It’s not surprising The vinyl’s thick as a poker chip, has hot damn – these demento-shaman satan of the split was more dedicated to set- that I have never heard of them. The cool orange bloops in clear vinyl, and grooves have real honest-to-goodness ting a tone and establishing a definite graphics on the cover has the XXX. That the packaging is immaculate. –Todd demon blood pouring out of them and atmosphere. Epic without the cheese, tells me right of the bat that this is (Boss Tuneage) splattering everything in sight with a like watching dust settle after a bomb . Upon reading the liner happy dangerous idiocy. Woof. Step blast. This album seems to be about notes, this is a project band surrounding HAROLD RAY: right up and get yours. This here HFOS direction – heading somewhere fast a guy named Aaron Edge. Some songs, Live in Concert: CD band blasts you in the face like a base- while trampling bodies underneath. If he does strictly by himself. With others, Some high-octane, high-quality soul ball bat covered with snot. And you will you’re new to From Ashes Rise, I sug- he recruits his friends to help him when from Mr. Ray and his cohorts, not unlike ask for more. –Aphid Peewit gest getting them both and listening to needed. Those friends are from the in their prime covering James (Ken Rock) them back to back. That’ll be a mighty bands Botch, Himsa, and Trial and Brown. Although I probably would’ve fine block of time listening to music. Champion. I’m a kook here. I haven’t preferred studio work to a live record- HOLY GHOST REVIVAL: Highly recommended. –Todd really heard those bands either. What I ing, the sound quality here and energy Hot Love in a (Jade Tree) can tell you is this sounds like modern level of this live performance make for Berlin Bombshelter: 7” day hardcore. Very metal mixed with an entertaining listen. –Jimmy Alvarado Sorry, Jethro Tull was never my style. FUCKED UP: that ‘88 straight edge sound. Solid pro- (Alternative Tentacles) They should’ve sent this to High Times Baiting the Public: 7” duction. It will be appreciated by those instead. –Megan (Burn Burn Burn) I’ve scratched my head for the better who strictly follow this genre. HAVOC, THE: Our Rebellion part of eighteen years and continue to do –Donofthedead (State of Grace) Has Just Begun: CD HOSPITALS, THE: so. What makes some hardcore so Lacking oxymorons in your life? How Self-titled: CD patently ho-hum while other bands GET GET GO/ about a new crusty punk disc courtesy Finally! Someone jammed Doo Rag’s sound like they’re, metaphorically, ARCHEOPTERYX: Split: CD of a Jesus-punk band decked out in all blues rock plug into Pussy Galore’s sticking a firecracker up a cat’s ass so Get Get Go: Two guys, manning guitar, the finest in stereotypical anarcho- noise socket and it lights shit up like one the explosion happens right in front of drums and no bass, turn in seven tracks poseur accoutrements and parrot-color of those fireworks accidents where you, claws are flying every which way, of skronky noise that sometimes veers dye jobs? Normally, my first instinct everything blows up at once on the and it’s sticky? I still don’t know, but into screamo territory. Archeopteryx: would be to dismiss them for the bad ground and the guy’s arm flies off and Toronto’s Fucked Up kick all of the Pretty much the same formula as the joke they are, but I’m really working you’re sitting in the stands with a Bomb excitement knobs as far as they’ll go. aforementioned band. Both groups hard on being a little more understand- Pop in your mouth and everyone starts The songs aren’t full-out speed blasts make a helluva racket with oodles of ing, so I can really empathize with these screaming and the guy behind you kicks and the mid-tempos suit them well. The changes in tempo and dynamics, yet fail guys and their plight. Hell, if I called your neck. The riff on “Friends” alone guitar work pings off itself and the to impress much. –Jimmy Alvarado Whittier home, I’d probably be just as just beats me to death every time, and it drumming sounds happy among the (Pandacide) lacking in original thought and sucking only goes for like twenty seconds and it chaos, so it’s not only trammeling and on the tit of religion with the same zeal. makes me feel the way I imagine it feisty, but the songs are injected with a GG ALLIN Just to keep them on their toes and feel- would have felt to have heard Led Zep new sense of urgency. (Very much like AND ANTISEEN: ing “punk,” feel free to drive through or AC/DC for the first time when they Sweden’s defunct Get Up and Go’ers.) Murder Junkies: CD Uptown and pelt ‘em with crackers and were fresh, or, for that matter, the way I By doing all that, not only can I tolerate A reissue of an album released a decade communion wafers. –Jimmy Alvarado did feel when I first heard Black Flag the freakout sax and clarinet outerlude ago that sounds like a weekend jam ses- (Punk Core) (which, incidentally, I on “The Public,” it actually sounds good sion for Antiseen with GG ranting 87 keep reading references to in others’ Latino takeoff/spinoff/knockoff that is, Hospitals reviews and I don’t hear it, in fact, the aforementioned “Latin musically, but the punch is there) or, Shake” by the aforementioned Lt. unavoidably, Pussy Galore. Raw (I mean Garcia’s Magic Music Box – essentially seriously raw), almost sub-rock, bashing the same song, but with marginally more gets hurled in all directions by two guys ethnocentric instrumentation, and dopey with a few drums and a guitar (and at new lyrics about some guy named Jose. least one Suicide record, whose “Rock Many of the Hypnomen’s instrumental and Roll is Killing My Life” is here) and embellishments to original recipe if ever a record deserved the mantle “in “Shake” (shakers, percussion, et al) par- the red”, this is it. –Cuss Baxter allel those added in “Latin Shake,” so, all (In The Red) things being equal in the absence of lyrics, the instrumental “Shake” of the HYBRID MUTANTS: Hypnomen is actually quite “Latin Escape Velocity: CD Shake”-esque in form! Amazing, hey? For those of you with insufficient sci- BEST SONG: “Shake” BEST SONG ence backgrounds, “escape velocity” is TITLE: “Shake” FANTASTIC AMAZ- technically defined as “distance d ING TRIVIA FACT: Both “Shake” and between sofa and CD player divided by “Latin Shake” were co-authored by Joey the time t it takes the listener N to get up, Levine, who sang lead on the original walk over, and hit the stop and eject but- “Latin Shake,” as well as the Ohio tons” – in my case, that’s nine feet eight Express’ “Yummy Yummy Yummy” inches divided by approximately three “Chewy Chewy” and “Down at Lulu’s,” seconds, or 3.2667 ft./sec. Fascinating. the Reunion Band’s “Life Is a Rock (But Seriously, though, it cannot bode well for the Radio Rolled Me)” and the original those who fret about the continued via- version of the oft-covered “Quick Joey bility of organically constructed Small.” He also co-wrote “I Enjoy guitar/bass/drum music when packaging (Being a Boy)” by the Banana Splits and songtitles (“Cassi-O” “Apollo-1: (later covered by , as well as Fire in the Hole”) make listener N, prior REM, oops, that was redundant). Levine to the actual listening, wonder if he’s also sang lead to original recipe “Shake” been assigned some kinda techno thin- over the existing Shadows of Knight gus to review, and, after listening, cause backing tracks, releasing same under the listener N to lament that fact that he, in “Kasenetz Katz Super Circus” name. fact, was not. BEST SONG: “Sunsets & Thank you for asking. –Rev. Nørb Cigarettes,” i guess BEST SONG (Gearhead) TITLE: “Cassi-O” FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: Graphics I EXCUSE: …Is Dead: CD attributed to one “Heineken Skywalker.” I’ve yet to complain if a band takes Okay, that rules. –Rev. Nørb (LEM) Leatherface as their template and lets their own passion fill in the gaps with HYPNOMEN, THE: Altamont bits of Hüsker Dü, Chicago-style punk Boogaloo b/w Shake: 7” (via Naked Raygun), and element X. NOTE: All my 7” reviews were done What Japan’s I Excuse immediately lack with the lights out this issue. WHAT I in a sound of their own they more than THOUGHT IN THE DARK: OH MY make up in current vitality and how FUCKING GAWD IT’S AN INSTRU- much this feels like a fresh batch of tunes MENTAL COVER OF “LATIN SHAKE” that are still blooming instead of a dated BY LT. GARCIA’S MAGIC MUSIC re-run. Gargling broken glass vocals, BOX!!! IT’S FANTASTIC!!! IT’S AMAZ- guitar and bass that are more tightly ING!!! IT’S FANTASTICALLY AMAZ- woven and wider in breadth than an ille- ING!!! IT’S GENIUS IN OUR TIME!!! gal dragline fishing net, a record that IT’S TIME IN OUR GENIUS!!! YOU’VE places the drums up in the mix, and artic- GOT YOUR CHOCOLATE IN MY ulate pleas for peace from the only coun- PEANUT BUTTER!!! WELL YOU’VE try that ever got a nuclear bomb dropped GOT YOUR PEANUT BUTTER IN MY on it are all indications that this is getting CHOCOLATE!!! (WHO IS THIS, a big thumbs up. –Todd (Snuffy Smile) CHESTNUT STATION? NAH, COULD- N’T BE, THEY’D CRAP IT UP WITH I EXCUSE: VOCALS OR SOMETHING) THIS IS Burn the Empty to Ash: CD TRANS-STUPENDOUS!!! IT’S FAB!!! As if you needed one, here’s another rea- IT’S GEAR!!! IT’S MUNCH-O’S™!!! son to go to Japan. I Excuse plays fan- IT’S GOT ME THINKING IN ALL CAPS tastic rough-and-tumble melodic punk, JUST LIKE LYDIA LUNCH!!! WHY quite a bit like the Thumbs, especially HAS NO ONE THOUGHT OF THIS vocally. That’s great in itself, but what BEFORE??? I AM SAVED!!! really lights this disc on fire is the white- SAAAAAAAAAVED!!! WHAT I fucking-hot, razor sharp guitar work THOUGHT WHEN THE LIGHTS straight out of the Leatherface songbook. CAME ON: HEEEEYYYY..! THIS isn’t Hear that, Thumbs? Put out a record and an instrumental cover of “Latin Shake” go on tour before this band steals your by Lt. Garcia’s Magic Music Box! It’s a thunder. –Not Josh (Newest Industry) cover of REGULAR “Shake” by the Shadows of Knight! How could i be so I.R.D.: misguided??? HOW I COULD, IN Aldrig Kopt – Aldrig Sald: 7” FACT, BE SO MISGUIDED: As you Word is that some of the dudes in doubtless recall, “Shake” (key phrase: Millincollin are in this Swedish band, “got her eye on the drummer and the but I.R.D. sound much more crusty than GIT-tar man”) was recorded by the a squeaky clean skate pop punk band. Shadows of Knight during their stint on Instrumentally, they’re very much a Buddah Records, the quintessential six- hardcore band playing Motorhead, ties bubblegum label. Being exactly That which put them in league with Born Kind Of Label, one of Buddah’s Dead Icons, but they’re not as good. umpteen studio assemblages quickly fol- There’s galloping and pounding drums, lowed up the initial “Shake” with a faux constantly sawing guitars, the occasional solo, and a polyp-y lead singer. It’s half The songs are about average in the of Jack’s post-TSOL/Cathedral of Tears KARST: in Swedish and half in English. The melodic pop punk vein that has ele- bands. As soon as I pressed play, Receive the Void: CDEP English half is a tad slower and more ments of Hot Water Music meets Strung though, I found myself perplexed at my Two of songs: “Lambs of God,” “Circle distinctively metal. Decent. –Todd Out. –Donofthedead (Boss Tuneage) ability to sing along with damn near of Ground” (bonus of third [lacking of (Combat Rock Industry) every track on this. Then it hit me: not title], best of three). Victoria of Damad. JOLENES, THE: only had I heard Joykiller before, I’d Damad of Savannah (Savannah of IN THE WAKE OF THE Rinse and Repeat: CD actually owned a couple of their cas- Georgia): vocals of monster, vocals of PLAGUE: Self-titled: 7” Cutesy girly pop. Hand me a barf bag settes, lost long ago and subsequently muppet. Metal of doom, overtones of Ripping, balls-to-the-wall hardcore up quick. –Jimmy Alvarado (Last Chance) shrouded in the drunken haze that other black. End of review. –Cuss Baxter to its eyeballs in Discharge influence, people would probably identify as the (Hater of God) yet managing not to come off as yet JOYKILLER, THE: 1990s. DOH! Sorry for unwittingly fib- another clone of that band. Impressive Ready, Sexed, Go!: CD bing to you, homie, but you know how KICK, THE: noise. –Jimmy Alvarado This is an anthology of Jack Grisham’s it is…. Anyway, this is an anthology of Rumors, Rumors: CDEP (In the Wake of the Plague) last band before he reunited TSOL. I tracks culled from their three albums, If I wanted to listen to the Goo Goo personally liked the self-titled first plus a few unreleased tracks originally Dolls, I would go buy their CD or bor- INHUMAN: album. Ron Emory played guitar on that slated for release under the names “The row it from my wife. –Donofthedead The New Nightmare: CD record and he added that TSOL/Beneath Go” and “Gentleman Jack.” While the (Dim Sum) This is what the kids call hardcore these the Shadows feel. I had lost interest songs are just as swell as they were days. Well, maybe, they might not call when I heard the second record: Static. when originally released, it’s especially KID DYNAMITE: Cheap this hardcore. But they might! Me, I Ron Emery was not playing. I also nice to hear the band’s progression from Shots, Youth Anthems: 2 X CD know my metal and I can not be swayed. thought at the time that they sounded “good punk band” to “good punk band I can’t overstate how much I liked Kid This is metal: East Coast hardcore with too Cathedral of Tears/Tender Fury to with some startlingly solid songwriting Dynamite when they were around and the down tuned bass and guitars and the me. I saw those bands a bunch of times skills,” all in the space of one 80-minute how much I still miss them. They took heavy riffing. The drummer busts a lot but I was too punk rock and ignorant disc, and the new tracks are just as swell the instrumentation of Minor Threat, of double bass action through the songs. back then to enjoy it. Their last release as the older, more familiar tunes they Gorilla Biscuits, The , and Only thing missing is the guitar solos. was Three. I didn’t even listen to that accompany here. It’s also interesting to Bad Brains, the smart brains of Articles But that would be dating myself. The one. Hearing this band again is more hear what is arguably the bridge from of Faith and Born Against, sucked out singer reminds me of the singer from enjoyable now and coming in with unbi- vintage TSOL to the current TSOL. all the good stuff, and made melodic Strife. Pretty fuckin’ heavy, dude! ased ears makes this interesting. The Kinda helps to make a little more sense hardcore a contemporary force between –Donofthedead (A-F) band experiments with more varieties of of that “comeback” album of theirs, 1997 and 2000. They were one band music and has developed a poppy, Disappear, which took a little digging who looked at an already ridiculously IPANEMA: Je Suis un melodic expression over time. If you to find that old magic, ‘cause listening high bar and raised it on themselves Baseball Bat vs. Skull: CDS want punk, buy their first release or stay to this shows step-by-step what they while reclaiming hardcore from bald, I know that it’s cheaper to make a CD within the first nine tracks. If your mind piled onto that classic sound, thus mak- floor-punching metallers. Then they instead of a vinyl 7”, but it sure seems is open, give the disc a full spin. ing it easier to excavate it from their broke up at the release party for their like a waste putting out a two-song CD. –Donofthedead (Epitaph) more recent work . But, in a sudden glut second record, when the singer, Jason, I know, at least for the consumer, it of overanalyzing, I digress. This is one wanted to go and make movies. This ret- would be cheaper to buy a 7” than a JOYKILLER, THE: fine album, buy many copies to make rospective package is smartly put CDEP in most cases. If I had to pay like Ready, Sexed, Go: CD sure you always have one on hand and I together. Track selection and order both $10 for this, I would be pissed. Looking Funny thing, drinking is. Seeing as I dug thank both Epitaph and Todd for helping make great sense (like all the covers are at the packaging, it doesn’t give me a the last TSOL album, Todd gave me this me to recapture some seriously lost lumped together, as are the demo out- clue that this is only basically a single. ‘cause I’d told him I’d never heard any memories. –Jimmy Alvarado (Epitaph) takes). The liner notes are fantastic. smashed beyond recognition and the tently good. No frills, just rock’n’roll. compression. They use, basically, the With every song, there are anecdotes front of your shirt is drenched in blood. The LP is recorded in mono, which same instruments as the Rick Wakeman about song writing, troubles and tri- That’s what this 7” is like. Not only works so well for them. I can’t figure band: keyboard, guitar, distortion ped- umphs in the studio (“Dave and I had to does it thrash at a thousand miles an that out. On their CDs they have both als, drum. Instead of attempts dethron- do the hand clapping tracks numerous hour, it’s catchy as shit and it rocks like mono and stereo recordings, but I ing the “wizard of the keyboard” and times. It sucked.”), the general mood, a motherfucker. Eleven songs, no always think the mono just sounds making epic length songs about mythi- sound secrets (what’s that noise at the metal. –Not Josh (My War) right. Another great release from a band cal beasts prancing through enchanted end of “Rise Above”?), stories on how that has a pretty predominant place in forests, the Locust turn the sock inside the band became to be (Thomas of KNUCKLEHEAD: my collection. –Megan out, cut song length down to pretty Strike Anywhere tried out as a vocal- Voice Among Us: CD (Demolition Derby) much zip, and wad it into a little, ist), and the occasional car wreck. Still another North American oi band radioactive ball. Then they file the Besides the fact you don’t have to track with the obligatory Irish inflections LEVELING, THE: songs under titles like “Your Mantel down a small slew of compilations for added to the sound to provide them Self-titled: CD Disguised as a Psychic Sasquatch.” all of KD’s songs, there’s an original, with some sort of pseudo-European I haven’t heard anything that sounded And they’re pretty fuckin’ awesome at unreleased song on here, started in street cred. Included is an earlier album this much like early DRI in a really pulling it off. It’s often silly (“it’s time 1998 and finished in 2003: “The that ain’t all that much more interest- long time: eleven tracks in twelve min- for the eyeball crotch to have a look- Unheard Chorus.” Plus, there’s demo ing. –Jimmy Alvarado utes, led by Chad from Brother Inferior, see”), but their tongues are firmly versions of five other songs, which is (www.ghetto-rock.com) also available on a 7” (with less planted deep inside their powervio- worth the price of admission itself. To tracks?), from Oklahoma, political and lence-inclined cheeks. Pretty sweet, round it out, there’s live radio show off LAWRENCE ARMS, THE: societal lyrics that go beyond the and pretty much guaranteed to clear the the soundboard. The DJ’s a tool but the The Greatest Story clichés, and, oh yeah, the last track room of people who can’t handle a lit- playing’s great. The DVD that accom- Ever Told: CD (perhaps this is the bonus one) has the tle noise. Plague Soundscapes is like panies is a short affair: three cam- According to the press sheet, this band gallopy feel of old (old? maybe all) Cliff’s Notes for people with ADD. cordered songs, and preview for the sounds like Jawbreaker and Iron Maiden. Look for the one with –Todd (Anti/Epitaph) KD documentary. Wholly worth pick- . I’d say that’s a decent skulls on the cover. –Cuss Baxter ing up. –Todd (Jade Tree) comparison, if outrageously ambitious. (Angry, Young, and Poor) LONGBALL TO NO-ONE: Throw in some and early The Little Boy Picked KING PRAWN: 90’s wuss rock heroes the Posies and LIPSTICK PICKUPS: Better Up a Rock…: CD Get the Thirst: CD there you have it. Not exactly an ass than You/Make Your Bed: 7” Japan’s Longball to No-One have made The UK’s answer to Sublime, a decade whooping or anything, but pretty okay If three chords of trashy, garage punk a real leap. Shit-tons of diaper-butted, too late and with a larger band person- stuff nonetheless. Cool artwork, too. with female vocals give you an aural can-you-spare-a-hug emo bands claim nel. –Jimmy Alvarado (Golf) –Not Josh (Fat) orgasm, this is your new booty for your excellent bands as influences – like shake! It’s got two songs that blow by , Rites of Spring, and KNIFE FIGHT: Self-titled: 7” LEG HOUNDS, THE: so fast, you jones for another fix. I keep Jawbox. However, when I put on said Hardcore’s like an elbow to the face: Self-titled: LP having to get up to put the needle back emo bands’ records, all I usually hear is it’s a reasonably simple formula, and I ordered a bunch of stuff from on the record. Listening to this over and a long, extended whine and the sound pretty much anyone should be able to Demolition Derby (which, if you’re over, I feel soiled from the dirtiness of of money getting siphoned out of a do it with some degree of success. But looking for European releases, you the songs. –Donofthedead (Kapow) trust fund. But, with LTN, I hear the every once in a while, something should definitely check out) and they updating of Jehu and Rites I’ve been comes along like a whirlwind, and by were nice enough to throw this in as LOCUST, THE: waiting for, nigh since this emo thingy the time you realize that you’re dealing well. The Leg Hounds are such a solid Plague Soundscapes: CD started crying its eyes out. LTN are with professionals your nose is band. Everything I’ve heard is consis- The name of the game for the Locust is dynamically experimental and are not afraid to shift tempo and show a wonder: if it was recorded in mono, ous bullshit. Ladies and gentlemen, softer belly, but when they roll over, would it sound cooler? meet my favorite band of the the music’s full of bristles and teeth –Donofthedead (Mandragora) month. Highly recommended. and rocks the fuck out. Which puts –Jimmy Alvarado (Dirtnap) us right at the doorstep of unadul- MANIFESTO JUKEBOX/ terated emocore in the purest, best I EXCUSE: Split EP MINDS, THE: sense of the word. Give the album a A Finnish band and a Japanese band Rip Out Your Eyes b/w bit to grow on you and it’ll reward who both kind of remind me of the Dead, “Blockout: 7” you. –Todd (Snuffy Smile) best of Hüsker Dü, with the thick If the Mummies clacked late seven- ringy guitars and the kind of proto- ties punk square in the jaw, instead LOVEHOPEANDFEAR: emo lyrics and fuzz and energy. of going back into the vaults of the Roseep: CD Two songs each on red vinyl, it’s a ‘50s and ‘60s, that’d be the starting Admitting once again that I don’t reissue of a 2001 issue on Snuffy block for The Minds. Organ used know anything about hardcore, but Smile. Snuffy Smile’s a cooler sorta like a bat is prominent in the I do know what I like. When asked name than Combat Rock. mix. Synchronized screaming inter- if I know what I’m looking for all I –Cuss Baxter ludes. All instruments wielded like can say is, “I’ll know it when I see (Combat Rock Industry) weapons, but instead of committing it” and this is a little too clean for as some felony offence, these scary as it’s supposed to sound. The MANIFESTO JUKEBOX: Portland, Oregonians slice, dice, vocals are over the top, in the “he Self-titled: CDEP and tumor up some nicely wrecked needs a lozenge” hardcore way, but Re-release of MJ’s first 7” with garage punk. The Minds fit perfect- the music is just a bit too standard bonus tracks that were on a split ly right next to Smogtown, The metal to make it all gel for me. with I Excuse. This was the record Epoxies, and folks who like the –Wanda Spragg (State of Grace) that got the buzz going on this new wave but aren’t slaves to its Finnish band. They released their charms and still know how to rock MAGGOTS, THE: first full length, Desire, on numer- the fuck out. Recommended. –Todd Do the Maggot!: CD ous labels in Europe and last year (Alien Snatch) If you are a fan of ‘60s garage punk, stateside released Remedy on BYO. you need to check out the bands on If you like that post punk sound of MODERN MACHINES: Sweden’s Low Impact Records. I meets Hot Water Music, this Thwap!: CD have heard great bands from that band is for you. Any of their releas- So, just two days ago, I was jump- label, like The Strollers, es, including this one, is strong on ing up (and down!) in a crowded Sewergrooves and The Skreppers. musicianship and energy. It was next to a freeway in This band is no exception. I good hearing these songs again New York City, rockin’ out to the received a 7” of this band for since I had filed away their 7” a sweet sounds of the Modern review awhile back and I definitely long time ago. –Donofthedead Machines on tour! Straight out decided it was a keeper. I feel the (Boss Tuneage) Compton, uh, Milwaukee, my same way about this release. It has friends (Disclosure! Disclosure!) that garage sound with snotty ener- MATCHBOOK ROMANCE: rock the Hüsker Dü way, with gy of punk but rock is the focus Stories and Alibis: CD drunken abandon! Get this CD if here. The thing that makes this even Broke my own “Jimmy will stay you like… punk rock, basement more special is that it sounds like it away from the Epitaph mystery shows, dancing around like a was recorded in the ‘60s. It would meat piles” rule just for kicks and moron ‘cause you drank too much fool many on first listen if this was got bit in the ass by this disc of Blatz! Also, you need to track down on a record playing with the pops wimpy emo/pop punk. When, oh their demo tapes – much crazier, and ticks in the background. I don’t when will I learn to trust my better faster, and, ack!, dare I say it, bet- know how big they are in Sweden, judgement? –Jimmy Alvarado ter! Still, this is Fruit Loops! Yum! but I would think they would be (Epitaph) –Maddy (New Disorder) popular here. The music is dead on and very easily consumed in these ME FIRST AND MODERN MACHINES: ears. Rock on, my brother and sis- THE GIMME GIMMES: Thwap!: CD ters! –Donofthedead (Low Impact) Stevie: 7” Well, here’s an interesting change The score’s simple. A punk super- of pace: here’s a punk band appar- MAGIC BOX: group plucks up a mailroom ship- ently influenced by Sorry Ma-era Bliss of a Madman: CD per, who can really fuckin’ croon, Replacements. You don’t hear that Another moody, sonically expan- out from a karaoke bar, and they much these days. Sure, they ulti- sive instrumental release from this continue to play long after the joke mately bored me to tears, but they label. Although it’s very pretty, this was supposed to get stale. garner massive points for thinking would better serve as a soundtrack Eventually, they get to tow a bar outside of the standardized pop- for a film, or at the very least a yup- along with them on the Warped punk box. –Jimmy Alvarado pie sex session, rather than a casual Tour with Heather of the Teen Idols (New Disorder) listen. –Jimmy Alvarado (Pascal) being their personal bartender. Three albums down and countless MODEY LEMON: MALEFACTION: Where 7”s on multiple independent labels, Thunder and Lightning: CD There Is Power There Is it’s still really quite astonishing Two-man trash punk. My, how Always Resistance: CD how good they are. I can’t say I’ve inventive and original. –Jimmy Metal core that goes black some- ever voluntarily listened to Stevie Alvarado (Birdman) times, grinds a lot, never smiles, Wonder (they do “I Just Called to protests the standard protestibles, is Say I Love You” and “Isn’t She MOLOTONIC: from Canada, offers a list of Lovely”) or seventy percent of what Self-titled: CD resources for staying informed on they cover, but their albums are Here’s something genuinely differ- the protestibles, and thinks doing a great for family visits and long dri- ent. It’s not really country, but the Death Sentence cover gives them ves in mixed company (read people banjo fits in just right. There’s a license to program a “bonus track” who like top forty or contemporary saxophone in all the songs, which at the end of two minutes of silence. country). As always, thumbs up. you wouldn’t think would fit in –Cuss Baxter The message in the acetate is well at the hoe-down, but it actual- (G7 Welcoming Committee) pretty funny too, but I don’t want to ly fills out the songs perfectly. ruin the surprise. –Todd (No Idea) There’s male and female vocals that MANDRAGORA: run the gamut from singing pretty Full Bloom: CDEP MEXICAN BLACKBIRDS: to yelling angry. The drums sound A mixture of ‘60s garage rock and Just to Spite You: CD like a freight train chugging up and psychedelia, like later period Redd Solid, straight-ahead punk rock, racing down hills. And, when the Kross but with a darker sound. I long on ‘tude and short on extrane- songs get under your skin and you have to sing along, the lyrics are worth Call me picky, but top fuel dragsters singing along to. I don’t know how to with wide-open carburetor intakes and classify this or what buzzwords to use, mushy, over-sized back wheels are for and they really don’t sound like any the quarter mile on paved roads. If the bands I’ve heard, so the only frame of rig doesn’t automatically die on the reference I can give is this: if you like Bonneville Salt Flats from salt being This Bike Is a Pipe Bomb and Against sucked into the engine, it’d run about as Me, you’ll probably like Molotonic. I a fast as a senior citizen pushing a gro- can’t stop listening to it. –Sean cery cart up a steep incline. Perhaps the (Molotonic) cover image is cool? Dunno. But the dude wearing a Valvoline shirt on the MONDO TOPLESS: back cover should have it ripped off his Go Fast!: CD chest. Motochrist sound like leather- Ack! I have a problem! I can’t tell if I panted, past middle-aged Guitar Center either 1.) do not like any new garage hair rock. No, not good. –Todd rock because it’s bad or 2.) do not like (Heat Slick) any new garage rock because I no longer like garage rock! Oh, the turmoil! I MOTORPSYCHOS: mean, I’m in no danger of relinquishing Self-titled: CD my membership in the Rip Offs fan Note to all aspiring bands: If you feel club, but, whereas there was once a time the need to add the word “rock” to your when I liked about thirty percent of all web address, the odds are it’s because new garage, the numbers have since you don’t. One needs look no further plummeted to a measly five percent – at than this release for proof. best! Anyway, this CD does not resolve –Jimmy Alvarado my confusion. It sounds like all garage (www.motorpsychosrock.com) rock sounds. You know, organ, bass, drums, guitar. They cover . MUMMIES, THE: They’re not bad, but until I figure out Death by Unga Bunga: CD my dilemma, I just can’t say if they’re First of all, I’m psyched to have the any GOOD! I could be the new Mummies on CD finally for the conve- Kruschev, with old garage being, of nience of car rides and between class lis- course, Leninism and new garage rock tenings. Secondly, this a collection of being the new Stalinism! Give me a lit- tracks from their singles. Some have tle time! I can’t decide if I should take been reissued, but one the whole you’d off my shoe and bang it on the table or have quite a search to find all these not! Stupid? Yes! Is this Stalin-Os? I songs. I don’t know what it is that the don’t know! –Maddy (Get Hip) Mummies have that other garage punk bands try to emulate, but very few come MONKEY POWER TRIO, close. Worth it for the “Zip A Dee Doo THE: Almost Clean: 7” Dah” cover alone. –Megan (Estrus) The eighth release from a “band” that is apparently comprised of a group of MURDER CITY DEVILS: friends who get together for one after- RIP: CD noon every year to record a bunch of This is a recording of the Murder City songs, then release the crème de la Devils final show, after keyboardist crème from the session. This year’s had already left the band. results are at times giddy, at times It was also recorded at the end of their moody, at times more arty than is good final tour, so even though one member for ‘em, and interesting overall in a late- was missing, her replacement had gotten night college radio sorta way. Limited pretty good at playing the songs, and the edition, clear vinyl, handmade covers songs on this recording are tighter than and opaque packaging. Not bad overall, I’d normally expect from a live record- although I probably won’t listen to this ing. The recording quality on this is more than twice. –Jimmy Alvarado okay. When I listen to it in my truck, a (Pocahontas Swamp Machine) lot of the cooler parts of the songs get absorbed by freeway traffic. Sitting at MORSE CODE HEARTBEAT: home, listening to this through a good Paper Cuts: CD stereo, though, I actually appreciate the I know absolutely nothing about hard- added fuzz of the recording. It makes the core with the exception of what hard- CD sound like I’m hearing it bouncing core sounded like in the 1980s and, off the concrete walls of a club while my other than liking Los Crudos and Teen ears are ringing. Cthulhu, I missed the whole thing. I play a solid set here, too, including a honestly didn’t even know that hardcore pretty even mix of songs from their five- started to sound like Slayer until the year career. I guess it’s a shame that ‘90s. With that said, I really liked the these guys broke up, but all in all, RIP is entire CD, but my lack of knowledge is a pretty good parting shot. holding me back from lengthy compar- –Sean (Sub Pop) isons. –Wanda Spragg (Suburban Justice) MUTILATED MANNEQUINS: Lordship and Bondage: CD MORSE CODE HEARTBEAT: Low-rent goth trying desperately to Self-titled: 7” sound inventive, but ending up sounding Very arty cover, but the music contained trite and rather silly instead. –Jimmy therein was uninspiring metal-cum- Alvarado (Mutilated Mannequins) hardcore. Purty pink marbled vinyl, though. –Jimmy Alvarado (Grey Sky) NETWORK, THE: Money Money 2020: CD/DVD MOTOCHRIST: Greetings from Looks like the new wave revival is in the Bonneville Salt Flats: CD full swing over at Adeline. There’s hints Suck it, Motochrist. I got pissed by the of Berlin, Men Without Hats, Bow Wow cover, which has a picture of a dragster, Wow, some other ones I can’t instantly yet the title makes a salt flats reference. recall (lotta one-hitters back then, you know), but mostly it’s redolent of NEW MEXICAN damn place. Not only are their hearts in PANSY DIVISION: Freedom of Choice Devo, which I’d be DISASTER SQUAD: the right place, they can play in a way Total Entertainment: CD an asshole to even try to deny as a cul- Self-titled: CD that’ll make you care about what they’re PD shouldn’t need an introduction, but tural touchstone (nay, milestone). I’ve been searching really hard to find a singing, too. On their website, they’re it’s been awhile since Jon Ginoli and Honestly, I was pretty ambivalent at melodic hardcore band that can pick up promising to have hats you can drink company have released a new LP. I fell first, but after a few forced listens, it’s where Kid Dynamite left off, but more beer out of for sale really soon. –Todd for PD in 1994 when they put out the started to grow on me. They obviously and more, I’m seeing what a tough thing (Destroy All Records) Jack U Off 7” and it’s nice to hear that know what they’re working with and that is. When I first popped in this New not much has changed in the ten-plus what to do with it (they all have funny Mexican Disaster Squad, I thought I had NO RETREAT: years since they started. The song writ- names, like Snoo and Fink, and under- a candidate for a carrier of the Kid Pray for Peace: CD ing has a formula and the words have pants on their heads, so you can’t tell Dynamite torch. The singer has the abil- Even with anti-war lyrics, cookie mon- always been more shocking and ground who they are – I suspect that Billy Joel ity to switch from singing to screaming ster metal sucks ass. –Jimmy Alvarado breaking than the music, but they have fellow from Green Day is one but I’m and still sound good, and to race (Da Core) something charming about them that is no authority) and have access to proba- through lyrics really quickly without still fresh even after a five year break. bly the same instruments the original completely losing coherence. The gui- OI POLLOI: –Wanda Spragg (Alternative Tentacles) new wavers used (like those keyboards tars blend some nice hooks into the Fuaim Catha: CD with the handle so you would wear it songs, and the drummer keeps things Oi Polloi are a long-time, multi- and- PEELANDER-Z: like a guitar) and, a couple duds aside, moving. The songs start and finish pret- shifting member band out of Scotland. P-Bone Steak: CD the whole package comes off sort of like ty quickly. Still, after a few songs, my Politically, they take a stance similar to Self-described as “The Japanese Noodle listening to MTV circa 1983. I only attention starts to wane. I start to feel Crass (anarchism), while incorporating Samurai Punk Band,” Peelander-Z is watched the DVD part once because the like I’m listening to a three-song seven many of the same ethics and politics: one weird bunch. Three Japanese guys video gave me a swelling, itching brain, inch four times in a row, not one, anti-police, pro-animal, anti-industrial- from New York get some costumes and I don’t really know how twelve-song album. If this had been a ist, gay-friendly, pro-everyone’s-land, together and decide to rock out. Vocals work so I probably missed some parts, three-song seven inch, I would’ve been anti-capitalist. Musically, one can really remind me of a cross of Biafra mixed but I’ll tell you this: there’s naked ladies really stoked on it. As it stands, this hear the influence these guys have had with the guy from F.O.D. who’s name on there. –Cuss Baxter (Adeline) album is good background music, but I on the US band, Toxic Narcotic. Aside escapes me. The songs have that late was hoping for more. –Sean (A-F) from the drum-circle monologue poem ‘70s, early ‘80s punk sound. The lyrics NEW BOMB TURKS: that opens this long CD up, the two are either in broken English or Japanese. Switchblade Tongues, NICOTINE: bands can both play convincing, primi- If you want something silly and has that Butterknife Brains: CD School of Liberty: CD tive thrash. Then they can switch effort- garage feel, this is your new favorite Bear with me. The New Bomb Turks are Here is a band going strong for ten years lessly to into slower folkloric, tradition- band. –Donofthedead (Swell) the Dunkin’ Donuts of garage rock. For now. This Japanese band is supposedly al numbers without betraying either awhile they seemed to be everywhere. described as the Japanese NOFX. I approach to music. It’s a lot to chew on PENNYWISE: Almost everybody with an ounce of don’t hear it. I hear a little Pennywise in one large bite and the politics are From the Ashes: CD/DVD musical taste agreed that they were a mixed with the Swedish band Venerea extremely blunt, but after repeated lis- I won’t deny my past. The year was high water mark for the game, neck and and a little Snuff thrown in for flavor. tens, this has grown on me. There’s sur- 1991. I’d been in college a couple years. neck with the Devil Dogs and the There’s seventeen tracks total and I was prising bits all over it. –Todd Then, as now, I was poor. At the time, in Mummies. They appeared to be on a able to listen to all of them. That is no (Combat Rock Industry) Flagstaff, Arizona, the cheapest way I long, constant tour and seemed to have a small feat when this music junkie listens could sample new music was the used release every month for five years to a ton of shit. The songs are super tight OPERATORS 780, THE: cassette bin at an independent record straight. I can remember a stint when I and infectious. The lyrics might not Power Version: CD store. They were three-buck gambles. saw them three times in four months make sense but they sure follow the Yet another ska/rocksteady record to Pennywise’s self-titled made it through without really even trying. From Eric’s music. The musicians are as tight as the wholly ignore for the derivative some rough winters and the roulette of often imitated overdrive vocals to the production. The band seems to be able umpteenth-generation, played-out pilf it putting a cassette into the Kraco tape- adrenal stab to the heart guitars, to the to stop on a dime. It sounds like they is. Can’t wait ‘til punta-core is the next eating machine. I played that tape multi- almost supernatural songwriting sense, really worked hard on the songs. They big thing, ‘cause, much as I love the ple hundreds of times. It was one of to their rock solid, no-earthquake-can- let them mature before recording. All in original stuff, this focus on only one those auto-repeat players. On the inside break-it rhythm section, there was no all, these guys take the whole melodi- Caribbean rhythmic style is beyond cover illustration, one of the members chink in the armor. There’ve been no core thing and keep the bar raised. They ridiculous. Fuck, even the Skatalites looked like wrestler Steven Nash (long bad New Bomb Turks songs. Sure, some know that the melody is the hook and branched out now and then. –Jimmy hair, goatee, sunglasses) and another are better than others, but none of them I’m hooked. There are so many bands Alvarado (Longshot) guy had “freestyle skater” hair (the slurped shit. Donuts. People, such as that try to play this style of music and so feathery hair-blower swoop). I was still myself, who appreciate the fine art of many who don’t get it. –Donofthedead OSCURO: Self-titled: CD a rabid Bad Religion devotee, and deep frying and cheap, plentiful coffee (Asian Man) Moody, atmospheric instrumental music Pennywise had the melodic, tight, mus- realize there are far too many pale imi- that would no doubt compliment your cular punk down to a tee. It was seam- tators, far too many ways to fuck up the NO DECENCY: average indie film quite nicely. –Jimmy less and tough, like a ball bearing. It was seemingly simple ingredients. In LA, This Is the Reason: CD Alvarado (Pascal) perfect for driving and wishing harm on there are no Dunkin’ Donuts. I get an I almost always wince when people I the entire race. I was, largely, in a acute pain every time I take a chance on sorta know hand me a piece of music. : musical vacuum. To this day, I don’t mom and pop donut shop and the apple It’s not that I don’t wish them well, I’m Coming Up: CDEP have cable TV, don’t know much about fritter crumbles like a stale dough turd just not so big on having to tell bands I have been on a Latin kick for a few the alignment of snowboard companies and the coffee tastes like used oil (this that I think their music sucks. One of the years now and I still haven’t learned the and extreme sports to whatever music isn’t to say that Star Donut doesn’t make axioms to reviewing music is that so language. Right at the point when I need they’re pumping. There was no good great donuts; they actually rule, but I many really nice people make really bad a change from the usual, Ozo puts out a radio station for hundreds of miles. digress). New Bomb Turks. I get an music. That all said, No Decency has new teaser EP. Excited like a little girl When I moved to LA in ’96, I got the acute pain every time I take a chance on quickly become one of my current getting her first Barbie, I rushed out to chance to see Pennywise a couple of some pouty motherfucker who screams favorite punk/hardcore bands in the LA get this. After self-releasing their debut times and interviewed them twice. They “brothers and sisters” or “Hallelujah” area. Not only is lead singer/guitarist EP and recording two full lengths on were very nice, but, man, their fans, by while their designer corporate garage Aaron able to spawn a stage-diving ses- Interscope’s Almo label, they jump ship and large, were almost as big of dicks as rock sounds like acid poured in my ear sion of four, with a running start from and sign to a jazz label. From what I NOFX’s fans. Meaty dudes with sexu- (or a publicist spewing in my ear). I the kitchen at a house show, these three hear on this six-song release, nothing al/aggression issues and backward base- can’t fault Dunkin’ Donuts or the New guys have learned their lessons well. has changed from the label transfer. In ball caps punched and pulled one anoth- Bomb Turks institutions for perfecting And fast. They’re young and ultra-excit- fact, the songs seem more focused. The er’s clothes off, circling in an ever- the game and delivering what I’ve been ed/ borderline retarded (in the best songs still have that party vibe that has more-sweaty bliss of dirt and sweat. It asking for the entire time. Long, ways, I assure you). The music’s a great lured thousands into their fan base. The was like watching a movie where you strained metaphors aside, this cover- blend of Hot Water Music (for the slow- mixture of funk and Latin makes for the like the soundtrack but it didn’t equate heavy album of outtakes, a lost EP, and er, anthemic, fist-in-the-air parts), Strike horrifying sight of this Asian man trying to what you’re seeing. I had such differ- harder-to-find international releases Anywhere (for the house-is-on-fire, to dance. At least I do it in the privacy of ent ideas in my brain when I played proves the continued power of band that keep-playing bits), those hidden broken- my home so I won’t leave mental scars their tape, window down, through the can make odds and ends sound like a back melodies in Panthro UK United 13 when people see me at shows. They may forest, on roads where I wouldn’t pass fully realized album that’s sweet and that most bands keep missing, and they not be punk but they are more political- another car for at least an hour. Not one fuckin’ smokes. bring a couple extra rounds of ammo of ly active than most. to hate a band by who they attract, I’d –Todd (Gearhead) their own to the fight. So it’s catchy, –Donofthedead (Concord) still pick up their releas- smart, rebellious, and shoots up the god- es, one after another. 93 Partially, it was nostalgia. Partially, I much better grasp of the Spanish lan- in alliteration (courtesy of rappers little sign of new wave from time to really liked them. Enter From the Ashes. guage. –Jimmy Alvarado Neila, Beond, Gajah, Olmeca and oth- time and sometimes they remind me a In the past twelve years, Pennywise has (www.laplebe.com) ers), both a-cappella and backed by little of an early ‘80s post-punk pop gotten more politically savvy and tighter sparse, spacey beats, to instrumentals band, but for the most part this is all-out as a unit. They’ve always been a little POPULAR SHAPES: that occasionally bring to mind both punk. It’s done very well. The cover art bit more than pro – and thank equipment Bikini Style: CD Black Sabbath’s “Planet Caravan” and is great and the packaging is nice, too. manufacturers frequently. Each album is Loosely, very loosely, the Popular the sun-damaged pseudo-Persian psy- The booklet is all high gloss. You can sonically a little better than the previ- Shapes are in the same camp as The chosis of Savage Republic. Of course, tell they put some time and effort into ous. And although I enjoy parts of this Lost Sounds, the A-Frames, and Le enough solid beats permeate the pro- the design of this CD. It all worked out. album, I can’t help but feel that they’re Shock (RIP). Hyper-angular, almost ceedings to please those only looking I can’t tell you what they are saying painting themselves into an ever-con- robotic voiced, whelped guitars, Wire- for something to facilitate shakin’ that ‘cause all the lyrics are in German, but tracting corner. Sure, all of the elements loving, Gang of Four-idolizing, Stick ass, but those who prefer to assess what if you can read German (unlike me) you they’ve help define in previous albums Men With Rayguns-admiring punk for they’re listening to on a deeper level will be set! If you like punk rock, get are there, but the punk rock elements in animated mannequins. There’s nothing than merely providing background this CD. You will be glad you did! their songs sound like they’ve been in wrong with them, and I find myself real- noise will also be more than satisfied –Mike Beer (Dirty Faces) captivity for too long. Their musical ly enjoying parts of songs, but like a with what’s going down, ‘cause this is beast is no longer feral. It’s been caged spice that slips off the side of your literally sick with levels on which to SICK FITS: Are We the in and trained to a form of Pennywise- tongue instead of blooming right in the take it. In short, regardless of whether or Young Savages?: CD ical musical perfection. I think that’s middle, I can’t hold my arms up in the not you like rap music, RE.4M and his Lo-fi trash punk not unlike your average their intention. (The DVD spends some touchdown position when listening to buddies have managed to come up with Rip Off Records release. Pretty good time in showing the great pains they go the Popular Shapes. What’s weirder is an album that is not just mandatory lis- overall, sometimes sounding like a through in recording an album.) But in that, on repeated listens, I’m both liking tening for hip hop fans, it’s mandatory revved-up Controllers. Some “bonus” doing so, for me, Pennywise has it more and liking it less. Huh. If you listening for fans of music, period. tracks here as well, including a live become more and more devoid of snarl, don’t squint at adventure and don’t need –Jimmy Alvarado cover of the Urinals’ “Ack Ack Ack” dirt, grit, and the unexpected explosions straight-ahead melodies holding your (Nomadic Soundsystem) that is recorded so poorly that you can’t that I really enjoy in current bands. They hand all the way through a song, I say help but wonder what the point was in want, and make, clean, proficient punk. give ‘em a chance. I’ll sit here and see if RENO DIVORCE: You’re Only including it. –Jimmy Alvarado I want dirty punk that leaves a rash and it grows on me. –Todd (On/On Switch) Making It Worse: CD (Longshot) an infection. Ironically, their mostly pop I truly wish people would come to grips songs, like “Yesterday,” with a piano PREACHER’S KIDS, THE: with the fact that they are not Mike SKIP JENSEN AND HIS interlude, become their strongest efforts Wild Emotions: CD Ness. Hell, Mike Ness isn’t even Mike SHAKIN’ FEET: self-titled: 7” for me, because it stretches them, if Retro-garage punk with enough Ness anymore. It seriously sounds like The one-man band seems to be making even a little bit. –Todd (Epitaph) Cochran, Bo Diddley and the Pagans in the singer locked himself up and lis- a comeback. This was mostly recorded the mix to lend authenticity. Not a bad tened to Somewhere Between Heaven in his bathroom, so there’s definitely a : listen and I bet they raise quite a ruckus and Hell for a good week before step- low fi sound to it. The shakin’ that his Compulsive Disclosure: CD live. –Jimmy Alvarado (Get Hip) ping up to the mic to record. I don’t feet are doing is usually connected to a I actually jumped around when I saw think I’d lose friends if they played this, tambourine, which is a bit much for me. this, and I can be a pretty lazy fuck. I PROCEDURE, THE: but I can’t see myself ever putting it on I’m more of a stomp kind of girl. seriously can’t understand why anyone Rise of New Reason: CD through my own volition. –Megan –Megan (Yakisakana) wouldn’t love Pinhead Gunpowder. Emo and hardcore mix about as well as (Boss Tuneage) They’re still poppy, still simple, still just Kool-Aid and frog piss. SKULLS, THE: so catchy. It’s only nine songs, which –Jimmy Alvarado (Blackout) ROCKET SCIENCE: The Golden Age of Piracy: CD leads me to play it a minimum of two Born in Hell: 7” The Skulls continue to impress. The times every listen. It’s the kind of album QUEERS/MANGES: Split: CD Really good ‘60s-inspired trash rock sound on The Golden Age of Piracy is that your favorite song is always the one Queers: Cover songs that make me feel from , true to the sound of the meatier and fuller than their stellar that you’re listening to for each song like I’m watching Nick at Night. If the period and frenetic enough to keep from Therapy for the Shy, and instead of throughout the whole album. Perfect for Queers were around in the 1950s or sounding dated. –Jimmy Alvarado sounding more pro, they just sound big- mix tapes, car rides, and dancing early ‘60s, they would be the shit. (Voodoo Rhythm) ger, punchier, and continue to slash around. –Megan (Lookout) Manges: From Italy, play a Ramones through song after song. Still firmly meets brand of punk ROY: The Red EP: CDEP planted in the spastic energy of early LA PINK SWORDS: pop with added vocal melodies. When College rock with country twang around punk that infused the Dils, Gears, and One Night High: CD bands cover the Cheap Trick song the edges. The more up-tempo songs Weirdos, they’re not afraid to get better What do you get when you take the dirt “Surrender,” I always put them up weren’t too bad, but the mellow, and more comfortable at what they do. I out of trash rock? This. I don’t know if against Big Drill Car’s version. Most acoustic shit was about as fun as admire their ability to play the shit out it’s in the recording, but it just comes bands don’t reach that level of perfec- Chinese water torture. of a song, fuck around with tempos, set across so clean. There could be some- tion and it’s true here. –Donofthedead –Jimmy Alvarado (Crash) moods, whip out short flashes of tasteful thing there, but I lose it in the sterility. (Stardumb) playing ability, and still not lose sight of This makes me think of office girls RUINS: making bare bones punk rock songs that going out for a night on the town and so QUICK FIX KILLS, THE: March-October 1997: LP you’ll be humming for days on end. they trade in their suit-dress for a mini Saint Something: CD Jazzy, grindy skronk by this Japanese Let’s not complicate matters. The Skulls skirt and a spiked bracelet thinking that Angular college rock sure to get fans of bass/drum duo, recorded live in Tokyo playing is like a mousetrap. They know they’re so bad. However they do thank Dischord Records all hot and bothered. and Paris. Although the noise they make how to set it all up, bait it, and cock it some awesome bands that you should –Jimmy Alvarado (My Pal Goo) is interesting, the tracks begin to blend with few wasted movements. Once check out if you haven’t yet: Riverboat together by the third or fourth track and sprung, their songs snap right into place. Gamblers, The Ends, and the Motards. RAMBLIN’ AMBASSADORS: you’re left pondering what you’re gonna Job done. Surprisingly, however, is the –Megan (Mortville) Avanti: CD eat for lunch tomorrow instead of pay- fact that my favorite songs on this Twenty-four minutes of top-notch surf ing attention to what’s coming outta album are the slow burners. “Monet,” PLAN B: and spaghetti western instrumentals. your speakers. –Jimmy Alvarado “Black Day,” and “Jerry #5” sound like Picturesque: CD Great soundtrack for your next Fistful of (Enterruption) long-lost archetypes to non-ass punk It’s nice to see a bunch of God-boys Dollars-themed shindig. power ballads. Instead of merely mean- singing about not getting the girl. Lord –Jimmy Alvarado (Mint) SATURDAY NIGHT KIDS: dering in the hopes of roping in some knows I wouldn’t go near the whiney Self-titled: 7” pussy (as per heavy metal formula), little dudes. –Megan (Dirty Work) RE.4M: Wordseye: CD These are the guys who would’ve been they all sound like quieter trips down Every once in a while an album is, pure intimidated by Fonzie. Fifties pop dark allies filled with broken bottles, PLEASURE FOREVER: and simple, so friggin’ cool that genres inspired pop punk with wimpy, not quite exposed syringes, and bruised dreams. Alter: CD and pigeonholes are rendered meaning- whining, but still annoying as all hell –Todd (Dr. Strange) If Tom Waits were thirty years younger less. Such is the case with this, the work vocals. –Megan (Route 13) and had a hard-on for college rock, I bet of underground hip hop producer/MC SLEEPYTIME GORILLA his band would sound just like this. RE.4M, who, aided by a cadre of SHOCKS, THE: MUSEUM: Self-titled: CD –Jimmy Alvarado (Sub Pop) friends, has made one hell of an album Bored to Be Zero 3: CD Live recordings of a band that played here, a diverse blend of musical styles Excellent eleven tracks of punk rock moody, experimental music. I’m willing PLEBE, LA: and influences married to some truly from this German three piece. I love it. to bet my right arm that they were amaz- Conquista 21: CD jaw dropping vocal gymnastics. The The music is killer! It’s snotty, fast, and ing live, but, while the sounds here are Think Voodoo minus the ska and with a tracks alternate from furious exercises snappy most of the time. They show a varied and interesting, 95 to say the least, they seem to suffer a bit immediately catchy as STFU, but they KROQ airplay. Sadly, they’ll probably Queen” or “Worst Lie” BEST SONG without the accompanying visual stim- definitely grow on you by the third never get it. –Jimmy Alvarado TITLE: “Blew My Baby Away,” uli. Wish I’d seen ‘em. –Jimmy track. –Jimmy Alvarado (Pattern 25) although “Fast Cars” worked pretty well Alvarado (Sickroom) (Rodent Popsicle) for the Buzzcocks FANTASTIC SWEETHEARTS, THE: AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: Back cover SMOGTOWN: STRAP-ONS: $4 Whore: CD L.U.V.: CD depicts guitarist Natalie perusing an Tales of Gross Pollution: CD Decent enough mid-tempo punk with I’d think it would be tough to combine issue of Cheri, which was the first skin Could Smogtown really be as good as some staggeringly stupid lyrics address- solid Texas rock’n’roll with Nikki mag i ever bought, back when i was all the hype we’ve given them in ing asshole cops, being in love with bar- Corvette-style bubblegum vocals, but confused about my sexuality (i.e. i Razorcake? Yes. Yes they are. And now gain-basement prostitutes and the inef- The Sweethearts blend them together thought i dug white girls with big tits) those fuckers have gone and broken up. fectiveness of using a Glad baggy as a seamlessly. The songs rock and make –Rev. Nørb (Trick Knee) Money already wrote their obit in the rubber. –Jimmy Alvarado (Naked Jain) me want to sing along, and that’s a good pages of Razorcake. So what are we left combination. L.U.V. comes across like THREE MINUTE MOVIE: with? One last offering of this now STRYCHNINE: Oakland the best of The Chubbies, or an The Film Reflects a defunct, but someday legendary punk Stadtmusikanten “Live” in Eyeliners live set when the Eyeliners are Dramatic City: CD band. Tales of Gross Pollution is the CD Bremen, Germany: CD really on. It’s good shit. –Sean I can honestly say that I’ve loved every- version of Smogtown’s original demo A soundboard recording of an Oakland (Mortville) thing I’ve heard from Snuffy Smile. tape. They recorded it less than a month band playin’ in the fodderland. Sound They’ve introduced me to great after they had formed as a band, and, quality is good, naturally, and the per- TEARS, THE: Self-titled: CD Japanese bands like Baggage, I Excuse, amazingly enough, their science was formance is strong as well. Musically, One of the greatest tragedies of my gen- The Urchin, Minority Blues Band, and tight even that early on. The songs are a their gallop-core didn’t quite make me eration is that i used up all my good Pear of the West, and they’ve releases little slower than most Smogtown all giddy inside, but their cover of Tears wisecrackery in an earlier piece, seven inches by some of my favorite songs. This album doesn’t showcase the “We’re Desperate” elicited many a belly as this band continues to fail to produce American bands, like The Thumbs, band at their best. Still, there’s a real laugh. –Jimmy Alvarado (TKO) any manner of strong reaction with me Super Chinchilla Rescue Mission, and beauty to the rawness of the songs, and other than an occasional acute apprecia- The Timversion. So I had a feeling that keep in mind that a not-at-their-best tion for the glories of kneesocks and I’d like Three Minute Movie, and they Smogtown is still a shitload better than STUN GUNS: … And There playing guitar on one leg. I mean, on the didn’t disappoint me. Actually, I had most bands at their best. Also, for some- Was Nothing We Could one hand, they’re kinda good; on the more than a feeling. I had one of Three one who already has pretty much every- Do About It: LP other hand, they have like exactly zero Minute Movie’s songs on a comp, and thing else these guys have put out, it’s I was handed this at about four in the by way of legitimate “A” material. On whenever the comp ended, I’d find nice to have one last new thing to listen morning from someone I think everyone the mysteriously unaccounted for third myself singing the Three Minute Movie to. Some of the songs from this first was calling Buddha at someone’s house hand, however, they do have a fairly song in my head. It’s good stuff. Mid- demo were later re-recorded and I’d never been to while a Great Dane decent supply of B+ material (“Miss tempo punk that borrows a little from released on other albums. Four of the was eating dumpster pizza off of the Queen” “Never Alone” “Another Girl” Leatherface (in the way that it can real- songs here popped up in different ver- counter. I was a little less excited the and “Worst Lie” coming immediately to ly crank up the tension in the songs) and sions of the Beach City Butchers 10”, next morning. Hungover and finally mind) (well, not immediately, i kinda a little from Hüsker Dü (pulling perfect and one more of them was re-recorded home, I put it on. Holy shit! This album had to look at the track listings to jog melodies out of songs that sound like for the Führers of the New Wave album, is so good. It’s one of those albums my memory, but, i mean, you know, they could explode into chaos) and but the other fourteen songs are new to where you can hear small glimpses of a fairly immediately thereafter), so who some guitar parts sound like they come me. It’s probably pretty obvious to you band, but on the next listen you hear am i to be critical? Yet, on the one hand, straight from the Replacements, but ulti- if you’re still reading this review, but I someone completely different because the songs kinda lumber along when, by mately it becomes its own thing: very highly recommend this one. they’ve made it all their own. This listen rights, they oughtta be snapping and tight and very skilled without being the –Sean (Disaster) I’m getting some Vindictives, but I’ve crackling; on the other hand, maybe it’s least bit polished. It looks like the title never heard that in there before. Songs the lumbering that would theoretically of this album suffers a little in the trans- SPONTANEOUS DISGUST: range from Tiananmen Square to girls set them apart from those who wouldst lation from Japanese to English, but North American Bald on drugs. I’d never heard of them waste our time with their incessant nothing is lost in the translation of the Beaver Preservation before, and this is one hell of a taste. snapping and crackling. Yet, back to the rest of the album. It sounds just right in Society: cassette Apparently, Dan Destructo from No first hand, the whole “punk-fed, blues- any language. –Sean (Snuffy Smile) There was a little note that came with Fraud was involved in some of the weaned, and barely legal!” thing has this tape, explaining that the guys in the recording for this. The packaging is been kinda universally beat to death for TRAGEDY/ band ransacked the used cassette section right up there with the sound. It’s on years; yet, then again, there are enough TOTALITAR: Split: 7” of their local Goodwill and dubbed their clear vinyl, which I’ve always liked the idiosyncratic aesthetic elements bounc- Tragedy’s the band that I’ve been look- own album on to those tapes. My copy most for some reason, with a screen- ing around in the mix that the band is ing for for over a decade. They hit all was dubbed over Working Class Dog by printed cover (red on black), and a ton managing to forge a collective identity the right spots. Dark, edgy, full hardcore Rick Springfield, which means, to the of goodies thrown in as well. Well worth regardless. But, then again again, i real- that isn’t a throwback, that is intelligent credit of Spontaneous Disgust, there is looking for. –Megan (Shut Up) ly see no evidence of legitimate creative musically and lyrically, and there’s not now one less copy of “Jesse’s Girl” in genius at work, nor indications of the one gap, from the artwork to the nuclear existence. Listening to this tape, they SUBSET: latent presence of same. But, then again radiation flying off the record player as have done the world an even greater Dueling Devotions: CD again again, how much of that does one the vinyl spins. Not to sound like a hip- favor by recording their own songs for Jimmy got to Razocake HQ before me really need to function effectively with- pie, but the songs simultaneously soar posterity. Nothing is sacred; they attack and all he left me to review was this in the parameters of the rock & roll higher and snap louder than any hard- everything from VH1’s favorite punk lousy CD. –Donofthedead (Tight Spot) idiom? But, yet, on the one hand, a lot of core band I’ve heard in years. These two rocker (“ Get Off the those student-level blues string-bendin’ songs, “No End in Sight” and “None of Air”), buddyhead.com (“Attack of the SUPPRESSION/ riff thingies are pretty hokey and played Your Business,” were recorded at the 35-Year-Old Indie Rockers”), and the ATOMATRON: Split EP out; yet, on the other hand, some of ‘em same time as their debut album. current state of punk rock (“Despite All I’d heard the tremendously noisy are really fuckin’ cool (“Worst Lie”), Flawless. Totalitar: are fantastic in their the Rumors, Metal Still Sucks, Kids”), Suppression on a couple comps and though, back to the hand we started on, own right but don’t flick all of my all the way to the self-explanatory “Why expected big, fucked-up things from i can’t imagine anybody, anywhere, switches like Tragedy. I sort of wish it Do So Many People Like Tom Petty?” them, and ain’t now yet disappointed as wanting to hear white kids from wasn’t on a split with Tragedy, because As for the music, it’s like a cross two of these three tracks do a slightly- Wisconsin singing the phrase “Tuesday I know when I’ll pick this out, I’ll be between god, wet vaginas, and hot dogs, less-manic Lightning Bolt and the third morning” as “Tuesday Mo’nin’,” and playing the other side three or four times only better. I suggest you get this post- is pure noise. One’s called “Boy Vomits what was the last truly great song writ- in a row. –Todd (Armageddon Label) haste, maybe your copy will be taped Hamburger in the Full Moon Light.” ten by caucasians that accented the 2 over Nightmare at Maple Cross by Atomatron’s more drug-oriented, what and the 4? “?” But then again, TRASH CAN SCHOOL: Big Girlschool. –Not Josh with the reverb motherfucked vocals there’s that last song (“I Know It’s Bang Radiation Blues: CDR (Pregnant Midget Porn) and some of the tense breakdowns. No Hard”), reminiscent of that Joe This was sent to my brother Katz, who I guitar, so there’s a little Lightning Bolt King/Lisa Marr duet of a few years believe has not written one word for this STFU/MONSTER SQUAD: shooting through these guys, too. Makes back, but sung by what sounds like a magazine. He was only involved before Split: CD the sound “bwowdleowldedodoot.” pair of short school bus riding coeds in issue #1. I guess it was because of the STFU: Swell, straight-ahead hardcore –Cuss Baxter (C.N.P.) matching his and her hockey helmets Flipside magazine association of the along the same lines as Insult during after their being partially euthanized other contributors and staff that this their I Wanna Be a Burn Victim period. SUSHIROBO: The Light with nail polish remover on the way to would be sent to Razorcake. Since it Wicked good stuff. Monster Squad: Fingered Feeling of: CD the studio. Now THAT’S a beautiful was for my brother, it was put in my More gallop-tempo hardcore, not as Smart “modern rock” screaming for thing, man. BEST SONG: “Miss box. I never bought, lis- 97 tened to or saw this band before. I do lotsa crunch, but I couldn’t keep myself jumping into the noisy direction of itics. I’m not sure if it’s a joke or not, remember the name and I equate it to remotely interested. –Jimmy Alvarado whence they came. That all said, “I but I know I’m not listening to it twice. the late ‘80s to the early ‘90s. If you are (www.atalossrecordings.com) Make Love to Every Woman on the The next band is Surrogate Brains, and from the LA area from that time period, Freeway” is pert, catchy, and as itchy a finally, you can hear some of the sense I would associate this band as a Raji’s or UNSEEN, THE: Explode: CD song you’re bound to hear this year. The of humor and infectious melodies that Al’s Bar type of band. To be more spe- It’s tough for me to wholeheartedly Urinals are a band who’ve gone from made Lookout famous. These guys even cific, I’m picturing Saccharine Trust. endorse The Unseen partially because it angst to a more dust-free environment. forgo the snottiness for some sincere, Noisy, dirty, jazz punk that bangs along bugs me when bands go so far to dress Take that as you will. –Todd gruff vocals. The Surrogate Brains EP while you go for that twelfth beer of the up like classic punk rockers. It’s my (Warning Label/Happy Squid) would’ve been worth my money ten night. Not my thing. I will hand this to hang up, I know, but really, it’s not years ago. Finishing this disc off is my brother since this was addressed to Halloween and you’re not shocking VARIOUS ARTISTS: Kamala & the Karnivores. Man, him and not keep it for myself. anyone. You’d be better off just wearing Boston Scene Report: CD Kamala’s so nice; I’m such a dick. –Donofthedead (Jinx) what’s comfortable. Also, I think The Four bands from Boston are highlighted (Sorry, couldn’t resist). They put out Unseen’s over-the-top crusty look tends in the first scene report series put out by four awesome, female-fronted pop punk TRAVOLTAS, THE: to stick them in a category with much TKO. Suspect Device: two really solid songs (pop like the Go-Gos, punk like Endless Summer: LP lesser bands like , which tracks. They’ve nailed down catchiness the Ramones. You can’t go wrong). So Jock #1: Duuuuuude, it’s totally like a is a shame, because The Unseen is way without embracing a pop sound. Tommy this basically comes down to a forty- new Blink 182 record, brah! Plus there’s better. My other hang up with The and the Terrors: I can’t recommend seven song disc with ten good songs on this fuckin’ sweet ass keyboard that Unseen is that I liked guitarist Paul them highly enough. These guys have it. That’s not a very high batting aver- makes ‘em sound like No Doubt, dude! Russo’s first band, The Pinkerton been around for awhile now and never age. If the original singles are still in Jock #2: Blink 182 mixed with No Thugs, so much better. When I can get leave me less than impressed. It’s bands print, you’d probably be better off pick- Doubt? Totally fuckin’ sweet, dude. And beyond those two things, which really like them that let me keep my head held ing up the Surrogate Brains and Kamala have you heard the new P.O.D.? are my problem and not the band’s, I high when I say I like street punk. A- & the Karnivores records and letting the –Not Josh (, have to admit that The Unseen is a solid Team: on the first song I thought I heard rest of it fade into obscurity. www.radioblastrecordings.com) band. They bring a lot of energy to their a lot of Motorhead influence. The sec- –Sean (Lookout) songs, and, though it’s fast and angry ond track was a Motorhead cover. The TYRADES, THE: throughout, there’s enough difference Fast Actin’ Fuses: psychobilly meets VARIOUS ARTISTS: The Self-titled: CD between songs to keep things interest- metal riffs. Not necessarily a combo I’d Sound of San Francisco: CD If it’s not painfully obvious by now, it ing. I like the way Paul sings, too, and recommend. I don’t know how well a A compilation bands currently making will be. I’m a geek. On the toilet, I often he seems to be singing more on Explode full length would fare with me, but the the scene in San Francisco, including read grammar rules. This time, I had the than he did on their last album. Overall, two tracks aren’t enough to keep me Black Cat Music, The Coachwhips, Big Tyrades on, blasting their spazzy, it makes for a pretty good listen. from listening to the comp. So, I guess Midnight, The Aktion and others. shouty, and noisy punk rock that knows –Sean (BYO) I’ll get used to it. On the whole, a good Although it serves as a nice primer of how to cut the crap and slice the song comp. I just wish there was more – the myriad of sounds the SF rock scene down to bone and fur. Lead vocalist, UPPERCUT: Four Walls: CD either of tracks or bands. has to offer, some of the stuff here veers Jenna, is a siren. The playing’s perfectly Your average NYHC release, meaning –Megan (TKO) closer towards ‘70s rock than is com- demented, skewed, and always rushing that it’s up to its Marshall stacks in fortable. –Jimmy Alvarado (Alive) forward, sort of like a drug-manic early, metal and boring as fuck to wade VARIOUS ARTISTS: Get into proto Devo mated to a band that sounds through. –Jimmy Alvarado (Blackout) the Underground Groove: 7” VARIOUS ARTISTS: like they break metric tons of instru- Four bands each contribute one song to Tower 13: LP ments. Even when they repeat choruses URINALS, THE: What Is this seven inch. One of the bands is Compilations are a harder and harder over and over again, it doesn’t seem like Real and What Is Not: CD called the Goxxip and they’re fronted by racket. On one side, you usually have to pointless repetition, but stalking, teeth- To give all due respect, the Urinals have the singer from the Gossip, and another sell them for less than a regular album, baring taunts. Then I came upon these been around for a long time – starting as band, The Supreme Indifference, has you have to deal with the personalities, two sentences in Strunk and White’s a punk parody band in 1977. They Kim Gordon from and Jim logistics, and maintain consistent Elements of Style. I only had to change quickly developed into a real band, had O’Rourke, who often plays with Sonic recording environments of seventeen one word. “Never imitate consciously, disagreements, changed their name to Youth. I really like the Gossip. I really bands, but mostly, comps have been but do not worry about being an imita- 100 Flowers, called it quits, then like Sonic Youth. I often like Kill Rock smeared by the assy sampler. (A sam- tor; take pains instead to admire what is reformed in a slightly different form, Stars releases, too. So I would think that pler collects previously released tracks good. Then when you play in a way that and changed their name to Trotsky this would be a pretty good record, but I under the premise of introducing the lis- comes naturally, you will echo the hal- Icepick. The Urinals were a supporting was dead wrong. I couldn’t find any- tener to new bands by luring them in loos that bear repeating.” That’s exactly band the night Black Flag was arrested thing I liked about this seven inch. I with the bigger name bands.) The fact what the Tyrades do. To a tee. –Todd onstage in LA for disturbing the peace. could hardly stand to listen to it all the that the tracks on Tower 13 were made (Broken Rekkids) Somewhere in or after all that, way through. It’s just too much noise specifically for this comp and aren’t just Amphetamine Reptile released a compi- and not enough song to hold it together. donky, cast-off mediocre covers should ULTIMATE FAKEBOOK: lation of many of the difficult-as-fuck to –Sean (Kill Rock Stars) give you some idea how much faith is Electric Kissing Parties: CD find 7”s, titled Negative Capability… put in Hostage by bands that aren’t nec- It’s one of those bands that you see at Check It Out. That’s a great listen. You VARIOUS ARTISTS: essarily under its wing. Heap on top of the local club on a week night that are get to hear how they began like Wire Punk Seven Inch CD, that if you have the guile/cajones to almost punk but mostly rock. They put and where the Minutemen quite possi- Volume One: CD release a comp only on LP, you’re out a CD! –Donofthedead (Law of Inertia) bly got their knack for short but full This is a collection of six seven inches almost committing financial suicide. songs. A bunch of more well-known that Lookout released in 1988 and 1989, That is, if no one cares a lick about any UNICORNS, THE: bands have gone to cover Urinals songs. and it was a cool thing for me to pick up of the music on it. The power of Tower Who Will Cut Our Hair The Butthole Surfers pop right into because I used to order a lot from 13 is that not only are Hostage honchos When We’re Gone?: CD mind. What Is Real and What Is Not is Lookout ten years ago, and I always Rick and Paul upright citizens and right- Do you ever pick something up because their first release of new material since wondered what these seven inches eous defenders of both vinyl and the it looks so terrible that you assume it has 1984’s Drawing Fire. The Urinals have sounded like, but I never dropped the true OC punk sound, they have great to be good? This is a perfect example. always been arty, but I remember more three bucks down to find out. So now I taste in music that’s wide enough for the First, they’re called the Unicorns for bits of shattered glass in the listener’s have my answer. The first two bands, bands and songs to differ from one track fuck’s sake. That should be such a ear. This CD is nice. Nice. It’s not Corrupted Morals and Isocracy, sound to the next, but their tastes are contract- badass band in my book. Second, the patently disappointing, like Devo going so similar that I can never tell when one ed enough so it all sticks together with cover has a rainbow and lightning into the studio and re-recording “Whip band ends and the next begins. They some dysfunctional, sandy glue. Say drawn in colored pencils. Finally, the It” specifically to make an advertise- both bridge the gap between the Dead you lived in Croatia. If you listened to back is hot pink with super curly-q let- ment for a home duster, but it’s also not Kennedys and Green Day, but neither this fucker all the way through careful- ters that you can barely read. That being patently exciting, like the charge the Corrupted Morals nor Isocracy has any- ly, you’d have to shake the dirty water said, this is quite possibly worse than first time I heard “Ack Ack Ack Ack” or where near the talent of the bands that out from the sleeve and get a hepatitis the packaging. Sort of like Portishead, “Sex.” A lot of the songs on this CD are came before and after them. Both bands shot after the needle returned to its cra- but without any redeeming qualities like extremely light and fluttering, like are snottier than a six year-old’s sleeve dle. The OC I know is fully represent- decent vocals and music. David Byrne’s solo work after the on a rainy winter day. The next band, ing, staring you right in the face, –Megan (Alien8) , which can be clever and Plaid Retina, sounds like a sped up cracked stucco, stained teeth, neck tat- pretty, but I just don’t find myself han- Corrupted Morals or Isocracy. Still snot- toos and all. This comp is a little differ- UNPERSONS: III: CD kering for it. In other words, they’re ty. Still forgettable. Next up is the ent from Cuts, the last blazing Hostage By-the-numbers emo-tinged metalcore. covering the ground well covered and Yeastie Girls, who do a cappella raps comp, in that there are few run-away Lotsa tempo changes, lotsa screaming, sown in late-’90s indie pop instead of about women’s issues and left wing pol- favorites. It’s solid from 99 tip to tail and I like best it as a whole somehow wrong but right. This stuff is place at a coffee shop where they spell live songs that appear nowhere else in unit, like an hour of the best radio show right, but wrong. Comes with a comic it “shoppe.” It seems like there’s more any form. Plus, it’s the Weirdos, for you can imagine. It’s rare that I’ll say a book, though! –Cuss Baxter bad songs than good ones, though. chrissake, so you know going in that, no comp is essential. This one is. I, literal- (Cannonball 666) –Not Josh (Epitaph) matter what, the proceedings are gonna ly, bought five of these to give to be at worst top notch. I’m not gonna rip friends. Here’s the band list: The Drips, VOLUME 69: WEAKERTHANS, THE: into you about what utter wannabes The Fakes, Smogtown, Broken Bottles, Karhore All the Way: CD Reconstruction Site: CD you’re gonna look like if you don’t soon The Pegs, The Main, The Decline, Ciril, Fuck technology. This CD wouldn’t The first thing you need to understand have a copy of this in your collection, Smut Peddlers, The Crowd, D-Cup, The work in either of my CD players. I about this album is that it is not punk in ‘cause I think that little fact is glaringly Revlons, Discontent, The Negatives, would, however, like to point out that any traditional sense. The politics are obvious. –Jimmy Alvarado (Frontier) Thee Indigents, and Cell Block 5. Volume 69 is a really dumb name. not obvious, the music is not fast nor –Todd (Hostage) –Not Josh ([email protected]) would it be likely to appeal to your WHATEVER IT TAKES: average Fat Wreck or, oddly enough, A Fistful of Revolution/ VARIOUS ARTISTS: VORTIS: God Won’t Epitaph fan. Instead, The Weakerthans Stars & Skulls: CDEP VooDoo Rhythm Label Bless America: CD focus on the subtleties of politics – the According to the inside of the CD, this Compilation: CD Mid-tempo punk, arty political punk effects on people, the real implications is a collection combining both A Fistful It’s a pretty decent compilation of very with vocals vaguely reminiscent of the and results of policies… and, in almost of Revolution and the Stars and Skulls primitive rock and roll on the VooDoo Crucifucks, courtesy of a fifty-nine- every case, offer some hints at tran- EP. I gave this a listen and, although it label. Taking cues from the likes of year-old who spends his days as politi- scending these things. Essentially, The wasn’t my thing, it was interesting and Norton, Sun, Estrus (the years of 1994- cal philosophy professor at Purdue Weakerthans craft songs which are sto- well done. The songs are mostly mid- 1997) and Crypt as far as musical direc- University. Interesting, rabblerousing ries, documents of lives (their own, their tempo and melodic and soulful. There tion, but adding in a spooky halloween tuneage overall. –Jimmy “Big Head” friends, people they’ve imagined) that were some fast parts and some upbeat- record and a European bent; giving a Alvarado (www.thickrecords.com) resonate because the details are all too ness in some songs, too. I don’t think home to Lightning Beat-Man, John true. The music veers between country- it’s what you would call emo but it is Schooley and DM Bob and the Deficits. WAGE OF SIN, THE: inflected pop and straight-forward rock mellow. The last track is mostly an It’s a good introduction to a label that A Mistaken Belief in and roll, ringing with instrumentation acoustic number with some whistling has put out a slew of records in the past Forever: CD which doesn’t seem to have much of a (whistling is good). This band also has eleven years, but still hasn’t seen much Kittie fans take note. Here is a new place in most contemporary music – at least one member of Anti- Flag in it. American recognition, except from a group of females ready to kick ass. found gadgets that make interesting per- If you like W.I.T. you will be stoked few Beat-Man fans.–Wanda Spragg Musically, picture a summit of cussive noises, lap and pedal steel, cause they have a split 10” out now with (VooDoo Rhythm) Norwegian death metalers and East glockenspiels, keyboards… the list sim- The Code. Like I said, not my thing but Coast youth crew types discussing a ply goes on. The strength of this album if you like the mellow DC type of thing, VAZ: Dying to Meet You: CD recording project. Have them switch isn’t in its catchiness – the first two this would be for you. Plopped this in with the expectation that uniforms and this is the new sub-genre Weakerthans discs were far more imme- –Mike Beer (A-F) I was about to be annoyed by yet anoth- that is created. I would have never diately accessible. This album’s er two-man band trying to cash in on the guessed this was an all-female band strength lies in how much repeated lis- WHITE OUTS: fluke that is , so imag- until I looked at the liner notes. The tening it bears. I have easily heard this Solid State b/w ine my glee at being blown away by cover of the Journey song, “Separate record more than one hundred times Coffin Nails: 7” some of the best skronk-pop to come Ways,” was brilliant. –Donofthedead since I got it (for about two months, it How the Motards could be the tightest along since Sonic Youth started laying (Immigrant Sun) was my morning rotation – period) and sloppy band on the planet and make off the sheets-of-noise approach and I still can’t get enough of it. It’s true that mumbling and gurgling almost poetic, actually tried to adhere to conventional WASTED: these songs seem gentle and comfort- the White Outs hold the same charm, song structure. This is rife with guitar Suppress & Restrain: CD ing, that they present a form of musical although it’s more on the heels instead noodling that would make Lee and I dug up that this is a re-issue of their solace for the lonely and disenfran- of hanging from the rafters. Fuzzed-out Thurston beam with pride, compliment- first LP that went out of print quickly. chised, for people who are struggling guitars, Goodwill budget rock that’s far ed by some seriously wicked drum- Most copies were sold within Finland merely to feel alive, if not actually live. from sterilized and has that worn-at-the- ming. Derivative, yes, but a rehash? No. and this is co-released by their original It’s also true that they represent what elbows charm. The A-side, “Solid While reminiscent of that famous New label, Combat Rock Industry, and Boss music, at its best, can be – something State” is the keeper. It’s a great split per- York band, these guys have enough of Tuneage. I read that they have been which replaces the “bitter songs [we] sonality song that almost seems like their own twist to keep the proceedings touring a lot in Europe and gaining in sing,” which reduces the humiliation two. It gains momentum, stops, pauses, inventive and fresh. Most astonishing of popularity. The songs are tight, melodic and anger which results from the “small then introduces what sounds like a well- all, they’ve managed to create the same and mid-paced. This album can be defeat[s] the day demands,” which tuned Fisher Price organ (but could be amount of racket with half the band per- matched up against any of your favorite reminds us that we all possess reserves anything), then collects itself at the end. sonnel. –Jimmy Alvarado (GSL) oi and early UK punk bands. The pro- of inner strength which we have not yet Neat. The B-side’s a mite repetitious duction is solid but maintains that raw begun to tap. –Puckett (Epitaph) and sows the fields of the not-so-tri- VELCRO LEWIS / edge. I’ve also read about them being umphant parts of the Seeds catalog. THE DUTCHMEN: Split: 7” compared to early period Rancid. I WEIRDOS: We Got –Todd (Shit Sandwich) Velcro Lewis: In the lineup somewhere don’t hear it. But who am I to judge? It’s the Neutron Bomb: after , Rudie Ray Moore, only my opinion. This is another great Weird World Volume 2: CD Y, THE: Soooo Intense: 7” and , Velcro Lewis release for us outside of Finland or A second helping of rarities and such The Y, from Gainesville, just made the shakes and cruises through some rough- Europe who have never heard of this from this, arguably LA’s first (and in the journey out to the west coast and I got to voiced R & B punk. Dirty and filthy. A band before. –Donofthedead top three of the “best” category) official see them in Riverside, CA. They played tad solo-y at the end, but as a whole, not (Boss Tuneage) punk rock band. While it is easy to start in someone’s bedroom, which had at bad. The Dutchmen: Sort of sounds like complaining about what is included (yet one time been the garage and was about a funkier, riff-alicious Mog Stunt Team. WE INVENTED another, albeit differently mixed, ver- the size of a small to mid-size car. I hated the radio growing up in the sev- TORNADOES: Self-titled: CD sion of “Neutron Bomb,” and a Despite this, as The Y started to play, enties – that hasn’t changed – and the Well, they look like hardcore kids, so I rehearsal take of “I’m Not Like You,” a the best four-man mosh pit started. I’m “classic rock of the 2000s,” such as was all primed to have my head peeled studio version of which was included on talking tackling, running across the these fellows play, I still have no back by the ensuing onslaught of noise I Volume One) and what isn’t (“Why Do kitchen and diving into the room, and patience or admiration for. –Todd was expecting, but the music that’s You Exist” is conspicuously absent, quite possibly the most brilliant idea (Shit Sandwich) coming outta my speakers is some lame making it the only remaining track from ever – hitting people with other people’s college/ crap. What a fucking the Destroy All Music 7-inch on neither hands. And The Y? They rocked VODKA JUNIORS: disappointment. –Jimmy Alvarado volume of this series; their take on the through it all. I’ve been told by two peo- ...All Them Clowns: CD (Learning Curve) Door’s “Break on Through” or any ver- ple, on separate occasions, that The Y Fast, melodic, harmonic singalongcore sions of live favorites “Do the Dance” would change my life. I’ve seen their that sounds to me like 54% of every- WEAKERTHANS, THE: or “I’m a Mole”), there are more than tattoo on at least five people. The 7” thing that passes for punk these days, Reconstruction Site: CD enough goodies to keep fans’ appetites captures all of this pretty well. Best with almost nothing (besides funny Some of the songs on here are kinda sated, such as Denny Brothers’ “solo” song is either “O.O.C. in the names) to belie that fact that they’re good. They’re kind of upbeat and work like “Skateboards from Hell” and U.S.A.” or “M’ Jus’ Waggin’ from Greece! I don’t remember having remind me of bands that I like, such as a track or two from their Warhead 12- M’Tail A’‘Cha,” depending on heard any Grecian punk before, but I and Dirt Bike Annie. At inch, an early rehearsal with Dave Trout the mood you’re looking for. would’ve expected it to sound like the best, the other songs sound like Jets to in tow for a run-through of “I Want Shirts off, dudes on. –Megan stuff that comes (or used to) out of the Brazil, which is to say pretentious crap; What I Want,” alternate takes of previ- (Sooooo Intense) Eastern Bloc, all creepy and weird and at worst, these songs wouldn’t be out of ously released tuneage and unreleased 101 C O N T A C T A D D R E S S E S to bands and labels that were reviewedin the eitherlast two in months. this issue or posted on www.razorcake.com

• Adeline, 5245 College Ave. #318, • Deranged, PO Box 543, Station P, • Jonny Cat, PO Box 82428, • Pocahontas Swamp Machine, PO Oakland, CA 94618; Toronto, Canada Portland, OR 97282 Box 980301, Ypsilanti, MI 48198 • Destroy All Records, PO Box • Kapow, PO Box 286, Fullerton, • Pop Riot, PO Box 14985, • Aerodrome, PMB #133 302 56173, S.O., CA 91413 CA. 92836 USA; , MN 55414 Bedford Ave., Brooklyn, NY 11211 • Detonations, 5012 Dauphine St., • Punk Core, PO Box 916, Middle • A-F, PO Box 71266, New Orleans, LA 70117 • Ken Rock, c/o Stefan Hultman, Island, NY 11953 , PA 15216 • Dim Sum, 1705 Van Arsdale St., Fabriksgatan 39b, 412 51 Goteborg, • Radio Blast; • Alive, PO Box 7112, Oviedo, FL 32765 Sweden Burbank, CA 91510 • Dirtnap, PO Box 21249, • Kill Rock Stars, PMB 418, 120 • Radio, PO Box 1452, • Alone, PO Box 3019, Seattle, WA 98111 NE State, Olympia, WA 98501 Sonoma, CA 95476 Oswego, NY 13126 • Dirty Faces; • Know, PO Box 90579, • Rat Town, PO Box 50803, • Alternative Tentacles, PO Box Long Beach, CA 90809; Jax Beach, FL 32240 419092, SF, CA 94141 • Dirty Work, 61 Weston St., • Recess, PO Box 1666, San Pedro, • Angry, Young, and Poor, 140 N. Wilbraham, MA 01095 • KOB; CA 90733-1666 Prince St., Lancaster, PA 17603; • Disaster, PO Box 7112, • Refried, 430 Lennox Ave., East Burbank, CA 91510 • Last Chance, PO Box 42396, Patchogue, NY 11772 • Asian Man, PO Box 35585, • Doghouse, PO Box 8946, Portland, OR 97242 • Robotic Empire, PO Box 4211, Monte Sereno, CA 95030 Toledo, OH 43623 • Law of Inertia, 61 E. 8th St. #125, Richmond, VA 23220 • Attention Deficit Disorder, • Dr. Strange, PO Box 1058, NY, NY 10003 • Rocknroll Radio, PO Box 8240, Tampa, FL 33674; Alta Loma, CA 91701 • Learning Curve, 2200 4th St. NE, Oosthamsesteenweg 129, 3581 • ECFU, 518-346-7291 Minneapolis, MN 55418 Beverlo-Beringen, Belgium • AVD; • Enterruption, PO Box 884626, • LEM, PO Box 3052, Summerville, • Rodent Popsicle, PO Box 1143, SF, CA 94188-4626 SC 29484-3052 Allston, MA 02134 • Bestial Onslaught, PO Box • Epitaph, 2798 Sunset Blvd., • Lengua Armada, 1010 ½ • Route 13, 1109 Prospect Ave, 230494, Boston, MA 02123; LA, CA 90026 Rivertine Ave., Santa Ana, Willmington, DE 19809 • Eugene; CA 92701 • Shit Sandwich, 3107 N. Rockwell, • Big Neck, PO Box 8144, • Longshot, PMB #72, 302 Bedford Chicago, IL 60618 Reston, VA 20195 • Fat, PO Box 193690, SF, CA Ave., Brooklyn, NY 11211 • Shut Up, PO Box 1671, • Birdman, PO Box 50777, 94119-3690 • Lookout, 3264 Adeline St., Oakland, CA 94604 LA, CA 90050 • Finger, 9231 W. Central Ave. Unit Berkeley, CA 94703 • Sickroom, PO Box 47830, • Blackout, 931 Madison St., D, Santa Ana, CA 92704 • Low Impact, Box 475, 701 49 Chicago, IL 60647 Hoboken, NJ 07030 • Fornicators; Orebro, Sweden • Snuffy Smile, 4-1-16-201 Daita, • Boss Tuneage, PO Box 74, Sandy, • Mad Butcher; Setagaya-ku, Tokyo 155-0033, Japan Bedfordshire, SG19 2WB, UK • Frontier, PO Box 22, • Sooooo Intense, 507 E. Carcas St., • Broken Rekkids, PO Box 460402, Sun Valley, CA 91353 • Mandragora; Tampa, FL 33603 SF, CA 94146 • G7 Welcoming Committee, PO • S-S, 1114 21st St., Sacramento, • Burn Burn Burn, 4040 Woodland Box 27006, 360 Main St Concourse, • Mint, PO Box 3613, Vancouver, CA 95814 Park Ave. N, Suite #4, Winnipeg, Manitoba, BC, Canada V6B 3Y6 • Stardumb, PO Box 21145, 3001 Seattle, WA, 98103 Canada R3C 4T3 • Molotonic, 1236-B NW 14th Ave., AC Rotterdam, The Netherlands • Business Lady; • Gearhead, PO Box 421219, Gainesville, FL 32601 • State of Grace, PO Box 8345, SF, CA 94142 • Molten Metal; Berkeley, CA 94707 • BYO, PO Box 67609, • Get Hip, PO Box 666, • Sub Pop, PO Box 20367, Seattle, LA, CA 90067 Canonsburg, PA 15317 • Mortville, 2508 West 12th St. 306, WA 98102 • C.N.P., PO Box 14555, • Golf, Unit 15 Bushell Business Austin, TX 78703 • Suburban Justice, PO Box 56055, Richmond, VA 23221 Estate, Hithercroft, Wallingford, • Mutilated Mannequins, PDX, OR 97238 • Cannonball 666, PO Box 52817, Oxon, OX10 9DD, UK 876 Valencia #C, SF, CA 94110 • Super Secret, PO Box 1585, N. Erithrea1, 4671 Athens, Greece; • Grey Sky, 1339 NE Roselawn, • My Pal Goo, 47 Hardy Dr., Austin, TX 78767; Portland, OR 97211 Princeton, NJ 08540 • Cheetah’s, PO Box 4442, • GSL, PO Box 65091, • My War, 36 Kings Cir., Malvern, • Swami, PO Box 620428, Berkeley, CA 94704 LA, CA 90065 PA, 19355 San Diego, CA 92162 • Chemical Valley, 205 E. Alluras, • Half-Day, PO Box 3381, • Naked Jain, PO Box 4132, • Swell, PO Box 287004, Tucson, AZ 85703 Bloomington, IN 47402 Palm Springs, CA 92263 NY, NY 10128 • Cochebomba, PO Box 546, • Hater of God, PO Box 666, • New Disorder, 115 Bartlett St., • Teen Beat; Randolph, MA 02368) Troy, NY 12181 SF, CA 94110 • Teenacide, PO Box 291121, • Combat Rock Industry, PO Box • Heart First, Florian Helmchen, • Newest Industry, Unit 100, 61 LA, CA 90029 65, 11101 Riihimaki, Finland; Landsberger Str. 146, D-80339 Wellfield Rd., Cardiff, • The Only Label In The World, Munchen, Germany CF24 3DG, UK c/o Seidboard World Enterprises, PO • Concord, 100 N. Crescent Dr., • Heat Slick; • Ninety-Six, PO Box 932, Box 137, Prince St. Station, Suite 275, Beverly Hills, CA 90210 • Hostage, PO Box 7736, Yucaipa, CA 92399-9998 NY, NY 10012 • Consume, 1916 Pike Place, Ste. Huntington Beach, CA 92615-7736 • No Idea, PO Box 14636, • Tight Spot, PO Box 49543, 12-719, Seattle, WA 98101-1097 • I Used to Fuck People Like You Gainesville, FL 32604-4636 Austin, TX 78765 • Contaminated, PO Box 41953, In Prison, Schäferstrasse 33a, • Nomadic Soundsystem, PO Box • TKO, 3126 W. Cary St. No. 303, Memphis, TN 38174 D-44147 Dortmund, Germany 291578, LA, CA 90029 Richmond, VA 23221 • Crash, 1122 East Pike St., PMB • Immigrant Sun, PO Box 150711, • OHEV, PO Box 772121, Coral • Trick Knee, PO Box 12714, 1037, Seatttle, WA 98122 Brooklyn, NY 11215 Springs, FL 33077 Green Bay, WI 54307-2714 • Crimes Against Humanity; • In The Red, PO Box 50777, • On/On Switch, PO Box 641122, • Union Label Group, 78 Rachel E. LA, CA 90050; SF, CA 94164 Montreal, QC, H2W 1C6, Canada • Da Core, 4407 Bowes Ave., • Pandacide, PO Box 2774, • Voodoo Rhythm, Jurastrasse 15, West Mifflin, PA 15122 • In the Wake of the Plague, Petaluma, CA 94952 3013 Bern, Switzerland • Dead Tank, 2351 Ernest St., 548 Broderick St., SF, CA 94117 • Pascal, 11684 Ventura Blvd., #906, • Yakisana, 51 Rue Renaudel, Jacksonville, FL 32204 • Infect, PO Box 1201, Tacoma, Studio City, CA 91604 76 100 Rouen, France • DeathXDeath; WA 98401 • Pattern 25, 610 20th Ave. E, • Zaxxon Virile Action; • Jade Tree, 2310 Kennwynn Rd., Seattle, WA 98112 • Demolition Derby, PB 4005, Wilmington, DE 19810 • Plan-It-X, 5810 W. Willis Rd., 2800 Mechelen 4, Belgium • Jinx, 113 ½ N. La Brea Ave. #102, Georgetown, IN, 47122-9117 LA, CA 90036 ALT.CULTURE.GUIDE: memories, who else will do it right? wich, or whatever) after a Jerry’s The Journal of (Un)popular My only complaint, and it’s a small Kids song, so you can bet that I had Culture, #1, $10 one, is that some of the contributors high hopes for this one. He starts 7 ½ x 9, glossy cover, perfect take quite a few too-easy stabs at out by listing his Top Eight bound, offset printing, 147 pgs. Blink 182 and their ilk. There’s so (because Top Tens are overused) This is an extremely mixed bag. much great stuff out there. It’s just records to listen to while at work, There’s a great series of columns tougher to dig down and find it. which is always a cool thing. But looking at the Recording Industry Ignore MTV. It’s pretty easy to do. then he goes into a really long story Association of America (RIAA), #18 has interviews and essays on that he came up with while at work, and how they’re more than partial- CH3, DFA, Pitch Black, Our War, and to tell you the truth, it’s kind of ly to blame for putting the music- Send More Paramedics, Kill From boring. The drawings interspersed loving consumer over a barrel. It the Heart (the great website), The throughout the magazine, however, even provides some revolutionary Effigies, The Big Boys, The are pretty neat. If anything, this guy (to the RIAA) steps to stem the Adolescents, SST, and artist Shawn should stick to drawing comics and hemorrhage of sales that major Kerri (who drew the Circle Jerks writing stories that are short labels are currently experiencing, skankin’ guy). #19 has End on End, enough to read on one trip to the like lowering unit price, long-term Steel Rules Die, Shatterhand, The bathroom. –Not Josh (Cracks in artist support, and not putting out Freaks Union, the art of Banksy, the Wall, 2 Tinkham Glenn, so much crap. Rev. Keith A. Vaultage, Th’Inbred, and X-Claim Wilbraham, MA 01095) Send all zines for review to Gordon brought up many salient, Records. Highly recommended for effective points and facts that any long-term punk fan. –Todd (1 DESTROY ALL MONSTERS, Razorcake, PO Box 42129, would helpful to read if you’re a Aberdulais Rd., Gabalfa, Cardiff, 5 ½ x 8 ½, 24 pgs. LA, CA 90042. Please musician or just a passionate music CF14 2PH Wales, UK) Apparently, this was written in include a contact address, the listener. That’s what I really like 1895 by the author of such works as number of pages, the price, about this publication. What I don’t CATHEDRAL, #1, $2, The Smell of Fuck and The Erotic and whether or not you quite get is why it’s ten dollars and 5 ½ x 8 ½, copied, 40 pgs. Adventures of Edmund Fitisk. accept trades. has advertising. I thought the rea- I’m skeptical about underground lit Okay, what the hell, I’m gullible. son ads are involved is to keep the journals because they usually suck, This is a reprint of his guide to bat- price down. Ten bucks is a mighty but I gave this one a shot because tling monsters, and it offers such big gamble on a magazine. I’m also it’s cheap, it’s unpretentious, and sage advice as, “Simply assume not sold on their take on “new rock it’s named after Raymond Carver’s that there are Monsters out in the sound” spearheaded by the likes of best story. And Cathedral didn’t hall or outside your windows, the Strokes, the White Stripes, and disappoint me. This issue features because nine times out of ten there The Ravoneettes. Any serious dis- the work of three writers. Emerson are,” and the always helpful, “If cussion of garage rock, I believe, Dameron writes surreal vignettes, that pile of filthy laundry looks to shouldn’t omit or gloss over the the best of which was about a town you to be a Monster crouching, go deep legacies Estrus, Rip-Off, In that set up its public transportation right up to it. Poke it or ask it a few the Red, Gearhead, Crypt, or the system as a roller coaster. Patrick simple questions.” Weird. –Not Josh institution known as Tim Kerr. King (who’s also the editor) con- (Love Bunni Press, 2622 Princeton Instead, it’s a list dominated by tributes two stories that come off Rd., Cleveland Heights, OH 44118) major label poop and folks in like cautionary tales about how designer clothes. Hail the people have gotten too separated DESTROY, #6, no price listed, Mummies, Loli and the Chones, from one another. The stories are 8 ½ x 11, glossy , New Bomb Turks, and better than I just made them sound, This is the Destroy that comes out The Jewws, put the heads of the though. My favorite of the three of the UK, not to be confused with Mooney Suzuki on a pike, and writers is Karl Koweski, who Destroy All Monthly that comes out we’ll call it even. –Todd writes down-to-earth stories about of LA. This zine rules. You have (826 Old Charlotte Pike East, ordinary, working class people, but interviews with Rupture, Force Franklin, TN 37064) Koweski is smart enough to add a Macabre, Cathedral and more. The plot. One story is about kids drag- featured band of this issue is the ARTCORE #18 &19, $4 ppd, ging from bumpers of moving cars Plasmatics. You can’t go wrong 3 Euros Europe, £1.50 U.K., 8 x 11, on snowy days (intentionally; it’s a with that! There is even an inter- glossy cover, offset, 34 pgs. game; cool story). Another is a view with the owner of MCR Put together by Welly of Four funny, sad story about a guy plan- records and with that jerk who Letter Word (UK, not LA, and not ning to rob a bank. It’s definitely owns Beer City! Tons of reviews the non-existent boy band that sued worth your time and two bucks. and even a CD that is coming with for the name, either), this is a –Sean (Patick King, 138 Overland it. (My copy was a promo and the densely packed zine that has a deep Rd. #3, Montevallo, AL 35115) CD hadn’t come back from the love for older punk rock but it does- pressing plant yet, but I’m sure it’s n’t let that love overshadow current CHUMPIRE, #163, a stamp, going to be a good one.) Let me tell asskickers. #19, for instance, has an 5 ½ x 4 ½, 8 pgs. you something: this mag totally interview with Roxy of Epoxies Chumpire is a personal-type zine stands out from others. The content sidled next to essays on three bands that has been around for thirteen is good. The layout is all cut-and- that you should go out of your way years. The author talks about every- paste (but he does a damn good to listen to: The Offenders, The thing from shows to school to going job!), and the whole mag is printed Avengers, and The Subhumans (the to a gay pride picnic held at a local on a glossy paper that will hold up Canadian one with Dimwit). The brewery. It’s still a quick read, even to all the reading and passing essays are far from boring, are pep- though there’s a lot of stuff around this mag is sure to get. pered with great details (I didn’t crammed into these eight pages. (MRR coordinators take note of know the venue, the Mabuhay –Not Josh (Chumpire, PO Box 27, this!) This mag had a very mid-‘80s Gardens, was a Jewish synagogue), Annville, PA 17003-0027) feel to it. Very to-the-point, no BS, and aren’t told from overtly acade- and a good read. It took him a few mic hanger-on or never-been-there CRACKS IN THE WALL, #4, $1, years to get this out ‘cause of some perspective, but by long-time fans 5 ½ x 8 ½, copied, 26 pgs. problems, but it was worth the wait still in the thick of it. Hey, if punk One way to get my attention is to and he assures us the next one will 104 rockers don’t preserve their own name your zine (or dog, or sand- come out really soon. I don’t know what the price is on this but send responses. As you can probably the guy $10 and you won’t be dis- expect, there’s not a whole lot of appointed. –Mike Beer sunshine and flowers here. The (Destroy, PO Box 1122, Bristol responses range from “mildly dis- BS99 2HX, ) turbing” to “pretty fucked up,” by my standards, at least. It’s kind of DIE SWEET, 5 ½ x 8 ½, an interesting look into the psyche copied, 28 pgs. of fringe culture. –Not Josh This zine is basically two short sto- (Love Bunni Press, 2622 Princeton ries about living with roommates, Rd., Cleveland Heights, OH 44118) only the stories are adapted into comics. The artwork is pretty good, GARAGE AND BEAT, #9, and it kind of reminded me of a $4, 8 ½ x 11, 56 pgs. comic book called Urban Hipster, I kinda like the vibe (man) of this if any of you have ever read that. zine: Relaxed and devoid of preten- The stories are straightforward and sion. The writing is almost neo- easy to relate to, especially the part vanilla, in a way, but that acts as a about getting people to clean up plus: Unlike other publications that vomit, which is like pulling teeth. also cover the wide temporal swath Man, I like comic books. –Not Josh of pop and rock (er, excuse me, i (Cybele Collins, 29 Hudson St. #2, forgot whom our sponsor was: Providence, RI 02909) make that “garage” and “beat”) that G&B does, but are so hipster/nut- DUNK AND PISS, “the first ten case-densepacked with arcana issues,” $2, 5 ½ x 8 ½, copied (but and/or attitude that anyone who with a color cover!), 70 pgs. comes in not up to speed can only Dunk and Piss is great. Alex tells watch helplessly from the sidelines, really good stories about school, i actually feel like i could be part of fucking up, caffeine, and stuff like the dialogue here, as opposed to that. This is an anthology of his just sitting at my desk, taking notes. favorite stories from the first ten I mean, during the interview with issues, except the first four, because Emitt Rhodes, there’s a friggin’ “those are really hard to find cuz PICTURE of his garage, but they suck and I burned the ones I NOBODY asks him about the first had and yeah.” If you missed out on Detonators album (which was, as these issues the first time (like me), you’ll doubtless recall, “recorded in or if you’re curious as to what color Emitt Rhodes garage” unless you the color cover is, pick this up. It think Juan was lying when he made makes me nostalgic for the days up the liner notes), and then Emitt when I, too, had bedsheets with is getting tanked at Red Lobster™ RAS INVENTED FUCKING pies warm before some brain sur- minimal stainage. –Not Josh and starts babbling about “.” I’ll take music geon invented the insulated bag... (Dunk and Piss, 11 Alger Dr., Pythagoras, which is where i would of the spheres over music of the anyway, when things got slow, i Rochester, NY 14624) jump in with return-fire babbling squares ANY ol’ time, baybee!!!) would occasionally fetch a can of about the Pythagorean “musical But, yeah, Emitt Rhodes is drunk- Sterno™, and walk thru the restau- EAVES OFASS, #2, mean” (which – i THINK – is the enly babbling about Pythagoras, rant, bobbing the can around like it 5 ½ x 8 ½, copied, 22 pgs. number that, given a smaller num- and i wanna jam my head thru the was singing, whilst i busted out I like zines where people just write ber X and a larger number Y, page and either call him on his shit, “Goin’ Up the Country” in my whatever the hell they want. At the divides the difference between X or have him call me on my shit, or worst falsetto. Er, maybe you had to very least, it makes for an interest- and Y in the same proportion it have someone call someone on be there?]), and a feature on Them ing read. The author of this zine divides the difference between X someone’s shit, or, heck, as long as written as a high school English published his theory of how the and the mean average of X and Y. there is called shit, i guess i’d be class assignment. Hey, i TOLD you Highlander movies are really about For instance, if X = 6 and Y = 12, happy. But, i mean, yeah: I do not it was unpretentious. –Rev. Nørb Jesus and might have even been the mean average is 9, but the musi- feel helpless in the face of this mag- (P. Edwin Letcher, 2754 Prewitt St., written by Jesus. There’s no telling cal mean is 8, because 8 is two azine, and that is good. I was also LA, CA 90031) how drunk this guy was when he greater than 6 and four less than 12, proud of myself for recognizing the wrote this stuff. The record review and 8 is also two greater than 6 and name “Jerry Kennedy” as the guy GENERATION: DEAD, #1, section is him and a couple of one less than 9 – in other words, 8 who produced the first Roger 8 ½ x 11, 16 pgs. friends getting drunk and dis- is exactly twice as far from 12 as it Miller album, and for owning a I like this guy’s attitude: “I know cussing why such-and-such band is from 6, but it’s also twice as far Buggs album that has a completely what you’re saying: ‘Man, there’s sucks or rules or whatever, which is from 6 as it is from 9. HOW THIS different song called “Soho Mash” totally 1000 magazines out there pretty funny. The funniest part of AFFECTS YOU, AL FRANKEN: than the editor has (seemingly pret- just like this one.’ Well, guess what, the zine is a copy of a really steamy Well, about a million years ago, i ty much one song every album was now there’s 1001.” Right on. This love letter that he found on the figured out – how exactly i figured called “Soho Mash,” even if it was just talks about obscure movies and ground somewhere, mostly because this out escapes me – that if you set really a cover of “It’s In His Kiss” stuff, which I like reading about. it was a love letter that somebody X equal to an A-chord, then, by def- or whatever). Other features My main problem is that it’s really just threw on the ground like yes- inition, 12 is equal to a high A include a blow-by-blow analysis of light on content. Hopefully, if this terday’s news. Eaves of Ass is a [octave = pitch doubling]. BUT, AS the Beatles’ “Revolution 9,” inter- gets beefed up in the future, we pretty funny name, too. –Not Josh IF BY MAGIC, THAT MAKES views with the Bippies and Larry might have another Film Geek on (Craven Rock, PO Box 406784, THE MUSICAL MEAN EQUAL Taylor (who played bass on a bunch our hands. –Not Josh Louisville, KY 40204) TO A D-CHORD AND THE of Monkees songs, as well as being (Louis Perchikoff, 1017 Fountain ARITHMETICAL MEAN IS in Canned Heat [pointless anecdote St. #2, Ann Arbor, MI 48103) FROM THE DIANE FILES, #1, EQUAL TO AN E! That is to say, X #429: When i used to work for 10 cents, 4 ¼ x 5 ½, copied, 46 pgs. is the root chord – the First – and Domino’s™, we used to still have a GOBSHITE QUARTERLY, In November of 1992, the editors of the musical and arithmetical means bunch of old cans of Sterno™ in the #2, $5, 8 ½ x 11, 70 pgs. this zine placed a fake classified ad are the IV and the V, respectively – back, that i guess drivers in the The cover of Gobshite Quarterly in MRR. This is a collection of the THAT IS TO SAY, PYTHAGO- olden days used to use to keep the claims that it is the 105 “Rosetta Stone for the New World HUMMINGBIRD SYMPTOM, Animal House. King Diamond novel. If you haven’t read my five Order.” That’s strange, I didn’t 4 ½ x 5 ½, 30 pgs. meets Entertainment Tonight. Odd. previous reviews of this zine, it’s a think that the New World Order Love Bunni Press put out a shitload – Aphid Peewit (Metal Rules! 2116 novel in seven installments about was ready for its very own crappy of zines this time around. This one Sandra Road, Voorhees, NJ 08043) the adventures of an unsuccessful goth band. Bad music geek jokes is mostly a bunch of mopey intel- (financially, anyway; there are aside, this is a slick, literary jour- lectual writing with a few pictures MODEST PROPOSAL, #2, some things they’re successful at) nal-type of magazine, and some of here and there, but at the end $3, 8 ½ x 11, 60 pgs. garage band. After reading the first the content is pretty good. Not there’s a bunch of cool drawings by A lot of comedy is hit-or-miss. issue of this, I was hooked. I much else to say here, other than the same person who did the draw- Such is the case with the comedy emailed Wred and told him that, if the fact that these fuckers totally ings in Grumpy Horizon. I bet if magazine Modest Proposal: some he didn’t finish writing the book, ripped off of the last Vitamin X you send these folks a few bucks, of the stuff in here is really funny, we were gonna fight. Well, the album for one of the illustrations, they’ll send you a whole bunch of and the rest of it is just kind of fight’s off and the book’s over, and and they also misspelled stuff, and it’s worth it for Grumpy “ughhh.” I think that if the people I kinda want to read it again. It’s “Portland.” –Not Josh Horizon. –Not Josh (Love Bunni who put out this magazine had hard to review just the end of the (Gobshite Quarterly, PO Box Press, 2622 Princeton Rd., Cleve- some kind of quality control, it book, because you don’t want to 11346, Portland, OR 97211-0346) land Heights, OH 44118) would be a lot better. –Not Josh give too much away. Suffice it to (Modest Proposal, PO Box 3211, say, Wred wraps everything up GRIND THAT AX!, #1, a stamp, JERK!!, #7, a stamp, Tempe, AZ 85280) nicely. Actually, for such an 5 ½ x 8 ½, copied, 28 pgs. 5 ½ x 8 ½, copied, 4 pgs. unorthodox novel, TPFE ends The premise behind this is simple: In case you missed my review of MURMUR, #2, $2.50, much in the same way as a classic people have stuff to gripe about, the two previous issues of Ben 5 ½ x 8 ½, 43 pgs. British novel like Tom Jones and they need a forum to do so. Trogdon’s zine, here goes. The I don’t really know what to say would. Though I’m not really com- That’s a pretty good idea. That way name of the zine changes with about this one. The content is really paring this to Tom Jones. Wred’s people can vent their frustrations every issue (, dense and poetic, so it’s not exactly got a real handle on the absurd. His without annoying the people Thanks for Nothing, Death of a light reading. I could just say, sense of humor is spot on, and, by around them. Most of the stuff in Toaster, etc.). It’s one page folded “Fuck you, ya fuckin’ fuck,” and be the end, I felt really close to the Grind That Ax! is kind of petty and in half, making it a quick read. And done with this review, but every- characters. All in all, the whole self-serving, but I guess you could I can’t stress this enough: it fucking thing about this, from the layout all book is a good read. He’s got the say that about most people’s com- rules. Ben’s really enthusiastic the way down to the way the pages whole thing up on a web site some- plaints, and this way you can just about everything. This is the last are folded, shows that a ton of where, but don’t rely on this. Write stop reading instead of telling peo- issue he made before he started effort went into putting this togeth- to Wred and get all seven zines ple to shut the hell up. –Not Josh school, and it’s got short interviews er. So I won’t say that it sucks, before they’re all gone. –Sean (Stephanie Shank, 830 17th Ave., with the Teen Idols and Ken because it doesn’t. It looks really (Wred Fright, PO Box 770332, Seattle, WA 98122) Dirtnap. Did I mention that it rules? cool, it’s just hard to pay attention. Lakewood, OH 44107) –Not Josh (Ben Trogdon, 191 Glen –Not Josh (Boing! Collective, 608 GRUMPY HORIZON, Oban Dr., Arnold, MD 21012) S. 500 E. #2, SLC, UT 84102) SHREDDING PAPER, #16, 4 ¼ x 5 ½, copied, 8 pgs. $2.95, 8 ½ x 11, Hey, this is pretty funny. On each MAXIMUM ROCKNROLL, NEUS SUBJEX, #54, a stamp, glossy cover, newsprint inside page there’s a cool drawing, and the #245, $4, 8 ½ x 11, newsprint 3 ½ x 8 ½, 6 pgs. The tagline on the cover of this San accompanying caption of each Although by no means perfect, If you’re not familiar with Shawn Rafael, Calif.-based zine boasts: drawing is taken from the weekly MRR is a really important zine. Not Abnoxious of blankgeneration.com, “America’s Record Review recap of Passions (a soap opera), only do they have easily the best he writes really long reviews of Magazine.” And let me tell you and the results are way funnier than coverage of international punk and records that you probably don’t they ain’t kidding. The bulk of this I make them sound. Short but hardcore, they also have a really want and he never really gets to the zine is record reviews – over 500 of sweet. –Not Josh (Love Bunni broad range of musical coverage, point. This is the zine that he puts them – including everything from Press, 2622 Princeton Rd., Cleve- so while I might not like “extreme out and it’s pretty much like the metal (25 Suaves) and Belgian oi land Heights, OH 44118) powerviolent grindcore” or what- other stuff that he writes, only more (Discipline) to modern rock (Eels), ever, somebody out there does, so dumb. But hey, it’s folded up like a reggae (Lee Perry), twee pop (the HOLY TITCLAMPS, $3, #17, it’s good that those two people can travel brochure! –Not Josh Lilys), and psyche rock reissues 6 x 9, bound, copied read about their favorite bands. (The Neus Subjex, PO Box 18051, (Clearlight) and country (Nashville Does anybody use page numbers in Tons of columns, reviews, and Fairfield, OH 45018) West). These cats cover all sides of zineland anymore? Just a thought. interviews with La Fraction, the spectrum and for that alone I Holy Titclamps is a gay zine cele- Artimus Pyle, Intense Youth, the THE PERFECT MIX TAPE give them two thumbs up. Toss in brating its tenth anniversary with Gimmies, and I’m just scratching SEGUE, #2, Brutal Honest Tea, some prerequisite columns (from this issue (“promoting the homo- the surface. –Not Josh 4 x 5, copied, 16 pgs. editors Mel C and Steve Yaver to sexual lifestyle since 1989”) and (MRR, PO Box 460760, San A personal zine about the trials and contributor J. Edward Keyes) and included in this special issue are Francisco, CA 94146-0760) tribulations of living on couches in smattering of band interviews smatterings of poetry community punk rock houses in (posthumous Exploding Hearts, (Ennoblement of Cocksucker, METAL RULES! #16, $4.95, places like Portland. I love the former Wedding Present/current Illuminations), prose (The View 8 ½ x 11, glossy cover, 99 pgs. small format; it reminds me a lot of Cinerama David Gedge and From Here, Pope) some novel More metal, metal, metal than you Portland’s Mike Daily and his Japanese pop Mummy The excerpts (Chapter 2 of Sarah can shake a metal detector at. series of Spun titles where beatnik Peepshow) and a handful of single Schulman’s The Mere Future, Pack Loads of cheesy interviews with stream of consciousness prose reviews (single reviews?) and of Men by D. Travers Scott), and mostly European guys in bands that meets blog-like self disclosure. you’ve got a very well-spent three comics, work from fallen comrades have an unreadable band name logo Standing alone, I could take or bucks. –Greg Barbera stricken by AIDS and more pictures that looks like a loose wad of half- leave this zine. But if it’s one in a (Shredding Paper, PO Box 2271, of dick than yer average zine. chewed tarantula parts that some- long line of serials, sign me up for San Rafael, CA 94912) Founder Larry-bob started the zine one spit out. Plenty of pix of churl- the fall season. –Greg Barbera (PO in ’89, inspired by the newly ish, hairy doods locked in consti- Box 14332, Portland, OR 97293) SHUTTLE BUS, Vol. 2, #1, $1, birthed homocore scene coming out pated tough guy poses. And if that 6 ½ x 10 ¼, copied,16 pgs. at the time. The last few pages in itself isn’t strange enough for THE PORNOGRAPHIC Ann Arbor-centric zine that fea- include a chronological timeline. you (and if it isn’t, just how fucking FLABBERGASTED EMUS, #6 tures an interview with Pittsburgh An eye opening read for this het- numb are you?), they throw in & 7, 5 ½ x 8 ½, copied, 48 pgs. power trio (((microwaves))) that erosexual. –Greg Barbera interviews with third-string actors This is where Wred Fright finishes includes one of the best questions (Holy Titclamps, PO Box 590488, like Steve Guttenberg and the guy up his year-and-a-half long enter- ever asked: Black Flag or Slayer? SF, CA 94159) who played “Neidermeyer” in prise of publishing a serialized Another article on 107 how to run a CDR label, which closely with a bunch of expectations going in, and was mean they publish stuff, and then focuses on four Michigan-based Northwestern punk bands and mighty impressed the further I read send it to other people for review? labels (Scratch & Sniff, Stop/Eject, takes shots of bands coming into it. It’s unpretentious, funny, No kidding! This is the more polit- Hanson, Bulb) and a New York through her town. It’s a photo zine. and well-written. This is the ical side to their publishing empire, entity (We’re Twins), equating yes- The more geographically close a “Yellow Fever” issue so it looks I guess, with a short article about teryear’s photocopied zines with band is, the more intimate they into Asian culture from some many how product placement in televi- today’s CDR labels. Yet again we seem in these zines. Like, instead engaging signposts. Anime? sion shows became an acceptable find another gem of a quote tucked of a performing up on a stage, the What’s that? “Enjoying anime,” practice after 9/11 and a really long inside this tiny zine: “Don’t be people in bands – like the Diskords Kyle Davis writes, “is predicated and well researched article about held down by the tyranny of jewel – seem so comfortable with on a willing suspense of disbelief, Donald Rumsfeld, among other cases; there are dozens of ways to Chrystaei taking their picture, it a profound love for ninjas and things. They’ll probably send you package your CDR.” Then there’s almost seems like an extended robots, or a desire to see hot car- this even if you don’t want it. the Top Ten Things That Don’t family album. Except the photog- toon chicks bound by tentacles.” –Not Josh (Love Bunni Press, Suck About Ann Arbor piece that’s raphy’s all top notch. #3 has pic- Sign me up. I also never fully 2622 Princeton Rd., Cleveland downright humorous and not only tures of Pho Bang, The Epoxies, understood why I like the old Heights, OH 44118) includes the obvious band, radio The Electric Eye, and others. #4 is Godzilla and have been ho-hum station, or local outsider artist plug as beautiful as it is sad, as it’s about the fancy, computer-generat- VINYL A GO GO, #2, $1, but also functions as a quick guide almost all pictures of The ed one. Will Viharo offers a helpful 5 ½ x 8 ½, 48 pgs. to hipsterism: championing a Exploding Hearts. Rest in peace. hand: “Keep away from the CGI, This here rock and roll comic shop, video store, some Some of the pictures were from the guys, there’s no greater corporeal, focuses mostly on new wave and restaurants and the Kiwanis Club photo session for their last album. organic pleasure than watching a . There’s a bunch of rummage sale. Did I forget to men- Some of them are the guys goofing guy in a rubber monster suit step- reviews of bands like the Cinch tion the comics? The Quick & off, playing live, and being human. ping on toy tanks. It’s a timeless and the Fevers, plus a really funny Tasty Recipes For Poor People? Their personalities seemed to leap artform.” There’s really no dead interview with the Riff Randells. Goddamn if this ‘lil zine doesn’t right into her lens. Wonderful spots in this mag at all. Also cov- There’s also a lot of sappy emo- pack a wallop of a punch for a work. –Todd (PO Box 40342, ered are why so many American tional stuff about girls and an arti- measly dollar bill. –Greg Barbera Portland, OR 97240) guys dig Japanese ladies, Zatoichi cle by Josh Rutledge (not to be (Shuttle Bus, PO Box 7504, Ann (a highly successful Japanese film confused with yours truly) called Arbor, MI 48107) TOO MUCH COFFEE MAN franchise), a look into seriously “The Humble Aspirations of a #18, $4.95, 8 x 10, offset, color tuning up street racers, and much Fascist Dictator,” which is some- THIS TIME LAST YEAR, #3 cover, perfect bound, 64 pgs. more. Extremely enjoyable. –Todd how funny and pathetic at the same Early June 2003 (with a woodcut Those not familiar, Shannon (Adhesive Press, Box 14549, time. Pretty cool shit. –Not Josh hand-printed cover) and #4 (The Wheeler is the brain and pen Portland, OR 97293) (Lew Houston, 100 W. High St. Exploding Hearts) June 2003, behind the Too Much Coffee Man #1A, Topton, PA 19562) 5 ½ x 7, copied, 42 pgs. comic. In this magazine, he’s cor- UNCERTAIN NERVOUS The lady who puts these together is ralled an impressive array of writ- SYSTEMS, 5 ½ x 8 ½, 50 pgs. the extremely talented photograph- ers and cartoonists in addition to What? Love Bunni Press? I’ve er, Chrystaei Branchaw. She works showcasing his own work. I had no never heard of such a thing. You membership card through the secret pas- the formative years of harDCore, straight edge sageways of some ancient hermetic order and riot grrrls. For me though, pretty much any that has secret hand shakes and arcane rit- book that tries to recapture the spirit and inten- uals. Though this isn’t a straight edge sity of anything bursting with as much raw, grit- book, it chronicles many of the people and ty, unbridled life as a burgeoning punk scene – events that were to set the stage for sXe straight edge or bent edge, DC or London – is and later become a major influence on the doomed to disappoint. It will be as brittle and movement (and eventually even emo.) styrofoam slabs. For history buffs and those This is a book – akin to England’s with a passion for the particular scene in gener- Dreaming and We Got the Neutron Bomb – al, it can provide a scaffolding with which to that sets out to document the spawning build an understanding of the intricacies of that activities within a particular musical/cul- scene. For a more disinterested outsider like tural pool or “scene.” The spawning beds myself, it can serve only as a dusty visit to here, of course, are those that loosely fall someone’s attic full of old photo albums and let- within the geographical area of ters and a few taxidermied grandparents and Washington DC. But the lava lamp-like great uncles and aunts propped up here and protoplasmic coupling, de-coupling, there. –Aphid Peewit (Akashic, PO Box 1456, dividing, and multiplying of so many New York, NY 10009) earnest young punk rockers in so many DC-area bands is downright dizzying, Guy Debord: Complete Cinematic Works even for a sober reader. My Attention Translated and edited by Ken Knabb Deficit Disorder simply will not allow me Guy Debord, best known for his writings the luxury of assimilating all the comings such as The Society of the Spectacle, also made and goings of so many characters – espe- six films. He founded the Situationist cially when so many of those characters International group of avant-garde artists, advo- are cranky, diaper-rashy yits with bloom- cating all forms of art for everyone above the ing messiah complexes. Take for example, capitalistic work society, fighting alienation. one of the main focuses of the book, HR of The group was very influential in Europe, espe- Bad Brains: a colorful, interesting guy cially in the 1968 student revolt in France. This until his “interestingness” is swallowed book on his movies gives a glimpse into what whole by his own ponderous self-right- they were with complete scripts, description of eousness and prejudice. So while this the imagery, and some stills. Alas, after Dance of Days: Two Decades of Punk in the book and its meandering storyline are crawling Debord’s producer was assassinated, he pulled Nation’s Capital like an ant farm with characters, there just aren’t the films from circulation. In 1994, at age sixty- by Mark Andersen & Mark Jenkins, 446 pgs. any real characters in it. I like Minor Threat as two, Debord committed suicide. His widow re- It’s probably somehow inevitable, in an much as the next guy, but I’ve always found Ian released the films after his death, but they are Orwellian “Room 101” sort of way, that a per- MacKaye to be about as interesting as a box of still hard to find. son like me – a one-trick gadfly who’s taken wet-naps. Oh, here and there you have a few ill- Judging from the book, the films sound like more than a few untoward stabs at some of the mannered “bent-edge” punks (like Fear, Black a strong companion to French New Wave films more zealous strains of straight-edgerdom out Market Baby, some guy named Don Diego) who – although Debord did not like Godard – and there – would wind up having to stare a book stumble briefly into the narrative and then right today’s conspiracy master Craig Baldwin like this straight in its clean and sober eyes. I back out again; Tesco Vee and the Meatmen pop (Tribulation 99, Sonic Outlaws). The text of the probably had it coming. Just like I had a DWI up a few times only to be dismissed by the films comes from Debord’s famous writings on coming and just like I had to stare straight into author(s) as important buffoons and quickly the destruction of human interaction and the the clean and sober and wildly-caffeinated eyes pushed aside to make room for someone or worship of advertising image, as capitalism sells of the chain-smoking, court-appointed drug some band more full of moral rectitude. But this the idea that only by buying things can someone counselor who kept telling me over and over is a quibbling and flimsy complaint because this really be happy and successful. Actual human what a wretched substance abuser I am. is, of course, a work of “nonfiction” and the interaction and the creativity everyone has Thinking back to all the times I immaturely authors are merely reporting on the activities of inside them are stifled. It’s a short leap to pantsed clear-minded soldiers in the sXe army real people in space/time – they are not respon- today’s cult of celebrity and war by television (figuratively, of course. I’m too much of a wuss sible for which characters come across as being channel. to do it in real life) – why, in the pages of this “important” and which characters come across Without the films available, it is hard to very magazine – egad, I shudder to think what as being “minor.” Or are they? Here again judge them and the book. In my mind it is a else I might have coming. Will some black, another age-old bias of mine creeps in: I’m a bit great thing, inspirational and intelligent, but the laughing winds of fate somehow plop me into a Henry Fordish in my opinion of history on the stills cannot convey the true feeling of the films, “reality” TV show where I’m trapped in a room whole; most of it’s probably “bunk” of some where editing and shot length were very con- for a month lifting weights, playing Parcheesi kind of another and calling any of it “revision- trolled. Debord’s text is great, I assume serving and drinking Yoo-hoo with Ray Cappo and ist” is redundant. But I’m teetering harrowingly as cliff notes to his longer writings. The film Porcell from Youth of Today? The mind reels. close to the bubbling, stink-festering abyss of stills are interesting; all found from other But I am, of course, exaggerating the solemnity epistemology here, which is a slippery turd ride sources, thus the comparison to Baldwin’s of having to grapple with this tome. we don’t need to go on right now. And to be fair, genius connections of found footage. Side text It seems to be a knee-jerk reaction of mine though falling short of any Howard Zinn-like does a nice job of explaining the images on that whenever I’m surrounded by starched-up, appraisals of their own “objectivity,” the authors screen but it only hints at the possibility. neatly-pleated seriousness, I inevitably feel do admit their short comings and limited per- The author, Ken Knabb, who first published compelled to make a roaring ass of myself just spectives right up front. The Situationist International Anthology in to break up all the seriousness hanging in the air. Dance of Days is very informative (I finally 1981, is probably the best writer possible for this In truth, reading this book is not as bad as being found out where those X’ed hands came from) book, since he is a respected voice on the histo- arrested for drunk driving. It’s much better than and though the authors make sure to get a mes- ry of the group. Any present day anarchist and that, really. And it is chock full of information in sage out along with the storyline, they generally DIY-er will obviously be into this book – so will much the same way that bran cereal is full of avoid the type of wringing over-intellectualizing anyone simply tired of being gagged by shitty dietary fiber. Be that as it may, I must admit to that bogged down parts of England’s Dreaming. Hollywood movies, TV politicians, and back- feeling slightly uneasy as I made my way With its clear, even-paced journalistic writing yard billboards. Hopefully, the interest in the through Dance of Days; I felt a nagging feeling and wealth of behind-the-scenes information, book will push a future release of the actual like I was somewhere I wasn’t supposed to be, Dance of Days will be gluttonously gobbled up films. –Speedway Randy (AK Press, 674-A 23rd 110 as if I were wandering without a by anyone with more than a passing interest in St., Oakland, CA 94612-1163) Saving Private Power, The Hidden History of Prescott Bush, grandfather of our current presi- and over again. For instance, I didn’t know that “The Good War” dent, along with Union Banking Corp., raised on July 28, 1945, an American B-25 bomber ran By Michael Zezima, $20 (hardbound), 214 pgs. fifty million dollars for the Nazis by selling into the Empire State Building, killing fourteen. Zezima does an excellent job debunking German bonds to American investors from Nor did I know that Cole Porter’s 1934 song many of the myths surrounding America’s 1924-1936. They only confessed when the feds “Mona Lisa” originally contained the lyrics, involvement in World War II. This book, thank- shut the enterprise down in 1942 under the “You’re the tops, you’re Mussolini.” That’s fun fully, begins to pick away at the historical mono- Trading with the Enemy Act. In 1933, Standard stuff to know. lith of warm fuzzies that Tom Brokaw (author of Oil of New York invested one million dollars in Zezima – aside from the occasional school- The Greatest Generation) and Steven Ambrose Germany for technology that turned soft coal yard taunts and name calling of established his- (the popular historian whose research has been into gasoline, that if Germany didn’t have, it torians – does a great job of showing that, quite faulty and guilty of plagiarization many times) couldn’t have declared a long, protracted war. a few, if not all, of the levers of power and have hammered at over and over again. WW II Standard Oil also, well in to the war, up to 1942, modes of rhetoric that were developed during wasn’t purely good against evil. It was a war, honored chemical contracts that were directly WW II are still in place today. They’re glaringly like any other war; innocent people died and responsible for the making of Zyklon-B, which obvious in America’s current wars and foreign were used as pawns. Inhuman deeds were done was used in the concentration camps. Okay, so policy. Although this is a book primarily about a on both sides. Zezima also accomplishes a lucid some corporations suck, but, overall, our side war that happened over fifty years ago, it’s also treatment of a complex situation, much like was good, right? a timeless reminder of how little nations have Howard Zinn. He gives a fair shake to not only Just because the Nazis were bad doesn’t learned about compassion, how much they’ve the generals and ultra-powerful industrialists mean that America and its allies are beyond learned that wars work to the top one percent’s (who had the most to gain from this war), but reproach. Dresden was the seventh largest city advantage, and what they gain if the population also the working class (who had the most to in Germany. It was being flooded with refugees at large remains ignorant to these facts. Highly lose, namely their lives). As stated in this book, and was a huge, largely unscathed target. In the recommended. –Todd (Soft Skull, 71 Bond St., by WW II’s end, 75,000 American troops were context of war and strategy, I can understand – Brooklyn, NY, 11217) MIA (missing in action). Most of them were and not agree with – the idea of bombing. But blown into unrecognizable chunks. Winston Churchill, Britain’s prime minister and The Zine Yearbook: Volume 7 Zezima also has a good knack for looking at war director, wanted to create a “new kind of Ed. by Jen Angel & Jason Kucsma, 164 pgs. the wider picture. War is not just men in battle, weather” in Dresden, and had scientists develop The title of this book is fairly self-explana- nor strategists vying for power and property, but new bombs built for maximum destruction of tory. Like a high school yearbook, the Zine the ability to get nations of citizens foaming at life and property. The rationale is that Churchill Yearbook highlights what has been going on in the mouth. Enter the Creel Committee – the first wanted to flex his arm so brutally that Stalin the past year or so. To continue the analogy, it’s government agency for outright propaganda in (our ally at the time) wouldn’t think that the rest pretty broad in terms of what it covers, so a lot the U.S. Formed during WWI, it published sev- of the allies were soft. Gasoline bombs (the pre- of stuff is going to fall through the cracks. enty-five million books and pamphlets with one decessor to napalm) were dropped with conven- There’s also that uncanny quality about the goal in mind: make war sound like a fantastic tional bombs from the bellies of over 2,000 air- whole thing where you can look through it and idea. During WWII, the publicity firm of Young planes for eighteen hours straight. The result see a bunch of stuff that you don’t give a shit and Rubicam was hired. They solidified that was an enormous flame, eight miles wide. It cre- about. But I don’t want to be all nitpicky and notions that best propaganda appealed to the ated a firestorm. There were literally tornadoes negative about the whole thing, so I’ll just stick emotions (not intellect), is understood by the of flame, which scattered pieces of victims up to to the positive stuff. Some of the neat zines “lower third” of the populous, and should never fifteen miles away. Over 100,000 people were included that I’ll be on the look out for are show photographs of dead U.S. soldiers (which killed in less than twenty-four hours. Think of America?, Cryptozoa, Cudgel, Ration, Scenery, is a large reason why the war in Vietnam lost the town or city you live in, and even if you and Slop. As for the rest of the stuff, some of it favor with the American population). These pro- imagine, on the outside, several thousand troops is okay, and some of it is pretentious “look at paganda models are still in effect today. occupying it, how can any side of a war kill me, I’m a zinester” crap, so this is more like an But, WWII was a war of democracy vs. fas- 90,000 innocent people in a day and still be con- overview of the zine community than a “best cism, right? That’s good, right? That’s a gross sidered good? I don’t think it can. of”-type book. Wow, it looks like I can oversimplification. Here are a couple of the hun- Besides providing a rounded view of the ins write short book reviews. –Not Josh dreds of transgressions that corporations hope and outs of WWII, I also appreciate Zezima’s (Soft Skull Press, 71 Bond St., you forget or have never caught wind of. thirst for details that haven’t been repeated over Brooklyn, NY 11217)

DOA: Greatest Shits: DVD assumes one might occasionally play for Thirteen (get it?) DOA videos created overnight guests. The remaining five between 1978 and 1998 by the band that videos from the “Career in Barely served as the Canadian Clash, the Listenable Rock Activism” era (‘92-pre- Canadian Ramones, and the Canadian Sex sent), are, not surprisingly, barely watch- Pistols (exchange rates, i guess) and able as well, with the exception of “It’s should certainly need no introduction for Not Unusual,” which is kinda painful to any Razorcake reader. As one might sit thru anyway, simply on accounta it assume, the best clips are the three from makes you realize how head-and-shoul- ‘78-‘81 (“punk” era, if you will) – a live ders the Tom Jones cover was above their version of “Disco Sucks” shot with per- own material at the time. The whole plexed motorcycle cops watching punk- ordeal concludes with a concise seven- addled audience members rending a minute documentary on the band’s career Canadian flag asunder (on Canadian (incl. testimonials from Biafra, Rollins, Independence Day no less), an out-of-tune bang-thru of “Get Out of My Dave Grohl, et al) that at least partially mitigates the band’s later unlis- Life” shot at the Peppermint Lounge in NYC, and the “real” 1979 video tenability. Ultimately, not being much of a rock video aficionado (hey, if for “World War 3” – where a fresh-faced lineup of Shithead, Rampage you’re not Mud or Freddie & the Dreamers, you don’t NEED to make a and Biscuits lip-synch poorly but earnestly to the original 45 version of video), in a perfect world, i’d rent this for a buck at Family Video, watch the song (the later LP version was even better) which coined the phrase it once (and enjoy it), tape “World War 3” and “Disco Sucks” for the “New Clear Day” well ahead of D. Fenton & Co. The five “rock” era archives, bring it back the next day and be done with it. You, consumer, (‘82-‘90) videos are highlighted by “Takin’ Care of Business,” where the are welcome to improvise your own strategy. BEST VIDEO: “World War band plays hockey in matching lumberjack shirts (while coached by no 3” (hey, i only like videos where the band stands somewhere and pre- less a Canuckian music luminary than Randy Bachman) against a team tends they’re playing their song. Music videos need “plot” like porno of evil, suit-wearing businessmen (“DOA v. The Man” being pretty much movies need “plot,” yaknowhaddimesayin? MOST IRONIC FEATURE: the theme of every video here, except for “World War 3,” where the Well, it’s sort of a toss up between A. how pretty much every video is theme is merely “DOA v. Lip-Synching”), and are the kind of thing one DOA railing against THE MAN, yet the first thing that 103 popped up on the teevee screen when i put this in the player is that big ed by the lead spazz, Johnny, who seems to be ever-healing from self- red “WARNING” thing that says how if i break copyright laws, Interpol inflicted wounds, is definitely good times. The beauty and curse of this is gonna come get me, and B. the fact that the Canadian Home Video DVD is how diverse it is. I’d be hard pressed to find anyone who likes people only gave this a PG rating. –Rev. Nørb (Sudden Death, Cascades all the bands, and the styles of punk they play, but there’s a good chance PO Box 43001, Burnaby BC Canada V5G 3H0) there’s more than a couple in here to grab your attention. Here’s the list: Propagandhi, Supersuckers, Good Clean Fun, Diesel Boy, Atom and His Guttermouth: Live at the Package, Fleshies, Boris the Sprinkler, the Line, Blocko, and Degrassi. House of Blues: DVD –Todd (www.punkervision.net) “My name is Mark and I’m just an alcoholic singer of a mediocre punk band.” Guttermouth on DVD is what you expect. It probably won’t Dillinger Four, Toys That Kill, and Rivethead, Tour Summer 2002, make any converts, but fans of the band should eat it up if somehow they $10, DVD weren’t at the House of Blues. One of the Orange County comedy skate This is worth the ten bucks for the belt fighting footage alone. (Belt punk bands that Kung-Fu specializes in (Ataris, Vandals), Guttermouth fighting is just that. Take off your shirt, hold the buckle in your hand, and plays painless, catchy songs about girls and assholes. Kung-Fu puts on a start swinging. It devolves into plantation-style whippings. Billy D4 to great production with perfect video and sound. The DVD is worth the someone: “You’re not bleeding… bad.”) It’s all rough and tumble dough, including twenty songs, band commentary about rocket science footage, but it’s all clear and clearly done by fans of the bands. If you and interview footage. A live concert CD is in the package with an extra poke around long enough on the DVD, there are lots of in-between can- song (“A Perfect World”). –Speedway Randy did shots – like tops-sawn-off Coke cans that hold beers on the driver’s console of Rivethead’s van along with their fucking with the Julianna Noisy!, The First Punkervision Comp! DVD Theory’s merch guy – and live performances by three of my favorite $20, world-wide shipping, ninety-four minutes bands. Highlights are many. Here are a few. Rivethead play in front of a Punkervision does a great job of using multiple cameras, clear pho- gigantic stained glass window that no one falls through. There’s a dance- tography, and soundboard-quality sound to capture some great perfor- video of their drummer, Half Pint, dancing with his dog. Todd, of mances. None of it is blown out, shaky-as-hell, back-of-the-club, on-an- Toys That Kill, in his Crazy Larry alter ego, plays in a white trash bag. extended-arm footage. That takes some dedication, especially for a band Sean Cole demonstrates proper form for dumpster diving, and bassist like Good Clean Fun, where there’s hardly any existing light and there’s Chachi gets a royalty check for wearing a Razorcake t-shirt on stage. a ton of bodies jumping around. In no small way does this comp remind That translates into a beer or two, at least. You can also hear what Mary me of the first couple rounds of Flipside’s videos, where there’d be ten J. Blige taught Paddy of Dillinger Four. While being let in on his urinal bands, each doing healthy slabs of sets. (In case you’re wondering, what confessionals, Paddy also makes new friends in the bathroom. My only kept those original Flipside videos from resurfacing is that many of the warning with the DVD is that, although I didn’t hold up a stopwatch to bands sold away the rights to their own songs, and legal matters were too it, about half of the material is hidden and some of it will seriously fuck expensive and complex to keep them the videos in print. That’s why only with your DVD player so you’ll have to get up and eject it. I’ve had it the “Best Of”s are available.) I also enjoy footage that just isn’t a music for six months and just found a hidden Hot Carl audio track. video in-the-making. There’s sweat, minor fuckups, mis-steps, angles Monkeywrench “street team”/ “pro gear, pro attitude” punk rock that show Eddie Spaghetti’s tubby belly, and Nørb taking his glasses off and order this one direct. –Todd (Nate Gangelhoff, PO Box before he does a handstand on stage in his Wolverine getup. My favorite 8995, Minneapolis, MN 55408; [email protected]) set on here is by the Fleshies. Their shock therapy stage presence front-