t’s never been easy. On average, I put sixty to seventy hours a Yesterday, some of us had helped our friend Chris move, and before we week into Razorcake. Basically, our crew does something that’s moved his stereo, we played the Rhythm Chicken’s new 7”. In the paus- IInot supposed to happen. Our budget is tiny. We operate out of a es between furious Chicken overtures, a guy yelled, “Hooray!” We had small apartment with half of the front room and a bedroom converted adopted our battle call. into a full-time office. We all work our asses off. In the past ten years, That evening, a couple bottles of whiskey later, after great sets by I’ve learned how to fix computers, how to set up networks, how to trou- Giant Haystacks and the Abi Yoyos, after one of our crew projectile bleshoot software. Not because I want to, but because we don’t have the vomited with deft precision and another crewmember suffered a poten- money to hire anybody to do it for us. The stinky underbelly of DIY is tially broken collarbone, This Is My Fist! took to the six-inch stage at finding out that you’ve got to master mundane and difficult things when The Poison Apple in L.A. We yelled and danced so much that stiff peo- you least want to. ple with sourpusses on their faces slunk to the back. We incited under- Co-founder Sean Carswell and I went on a weeklong tour with our aged hipster dancing. We yelled the shit out of “Hooray!” while raising friend and talented poet James Jay up the West Coast, to Seattle and our arms in perpetual touchdowns. Between songs, Annie the singer and back. It was more like a vacation where we all got to talk about writing guitarist for TIMF! asked, “What are you saying?” and then read our stories to people. Some places, two people showed up. We responded, arms aloft, in rough unison, “Hooray!” And we read to them. What are we? Rockstars? One show got cancelled. “Hooray?” she said smiling, “Nobody says hooray any more.” A couple of shows were packed. We skated. We drank. A really cool guy We continued “hooray”ing during every song. And we tried to dance made a Razorcake Wrestling Federation t-shirt for us. as hard as we had worked. We yelled hooray! so long and so hard that The day I returned was terrible. All of the computers were down. The TIMF! played a genuinely spontaneous encore, partially inspired, I was website took a header. I’d just driven six hours on little sleep and all I sure at the time, by my hoarse and insightful calling for, “Play one from wanted to do was lie down and face it the next day. Over the next seven the seven inch that you haven’t played yet!” And they did and it ruled. I days, I scaled that shitberg, found out that our DSL company changed haven’t seen so many of my friends smiling at the same time for ages. It passwords on us again, without notification. Found out that network cards was sweaty-perfect. can get fried. Found out that things out of our control fritzed out. All on After the set ended and we filtered out, we made our designated driv- the same day. A perfect technical storm. It took a week to get back to zero. er do some barrel dancing to prove she could drive home safely. The bar- I look at putting Razorcake together as a marathon with one leg tied rel dancing was shaky, but the ride home was laser-true. On the ride to an anvil and folks constantly throwing javelins at us. It’s a daily reg- home, it hit me, just like the cool air rushing in from the rolled-down imen. Melt the glacier. Dripping water puts holes in rocks. window: don’t let everyday toil leak the air out of your fun. Work hard So, I worked for twenty days straight with only one full day off. Why at finding, and keeping, what makes you happy… even if you feel like put myself through what sounds like self-inflicted torture? This Is My you’re staring at the bottom of the shitberg and can’t even see the top. Fist!, who were on our last cover, gave me my most recent affirmation. –Todd

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Cover photograph taken by Megan Pants

Contact Razorcake: Todd: [email protected] Sean: [email protected]

Thank you list: V ans held together with pickle jar lids thanks to Scott Stanton for the This Bike Is a Pipebomb interview and p aintings; Speedway Randy. Poor Man’s Sparks: Goddamn that s a lott a duct t ape thanks to Saucecherry for the TBI - Emergen-C in beer. APB photos; Shooting craps on a stop sign thanks to Ryan Leach and Mor Fleischer for the Paul Roessler interview; A bandana AND a mustache A T T H E SAME TIME thanks to Jenny Lens for her Paul Roessler photos; Decapitating little kids with drumsticks thanks to Rawl Power for his Paul Roessler photo; Burritos plus punk shows equals HOLY SHIT thanks to Sean Koepenick for the Routineers interview; Stages made of cinder blocks thanks to Ted Tuel for the Routineers photos; Ketchup and mustard on a cake thanks to Amy Adoyzie for her illustrations and laying out the Routineers interview; Just rock and roll and the truth thanks to Jennifer Whiteford for her all-girl band movies article; Kinda looks like Kenny Rogers thanks to Mitch Clem for the illustration in Josh s column; Band-aid covered nipple thanks to Terry Rentzepis for his illustration in Liz O. s col - umn; Here comes the summer thanks to Chris Pretti for the Undertones photo; As if the guy from the W eird Lovemakers could teach somebody guitar thanks to Jason W illis for his comic strip; Jukebox full of Irish jigs thanks to Jim Ruland, Sr ., for letting us use his photo; Pants as diapers thanks to Julia Smut for laying out the Bloodbath and Beyond interview; Seriously like this fucking close to hating everything forever but plowing along anyway thanks to Chris Pepus, Ty Forslund, Keith Rosson, Ben Snakepit, Speedway Randy, Mr. Z., Josh Benke, Jimmy Alvarado, Donofthedead, Jessica Thiringer, Newtim, Cuss Baxter, Kat Jetson, The Lord Kveldfur, Puckett, Aphid Peewit, Denise Orton, and Brian Mosher for their various and sundry reviews of stuf f; Jef f Fox for all the tough love, the joining of wid - ows and orphans, and candid advice in exchange for beer brats; Naked Rob, Brad at Confounded Books, Chloe at Reading Frenzy, Mark Halvorsen, Vanessa Burt, and Gary Accident Prone, for making our roads a little less weary. Issue #27 August / September 2005 PO Box 42129, 44 Los Angeles, CA 90042 www.razorcake.com WE DO OUR PART COLUMNS 4 Liz O. Guerrilla My Dreams 7 Art Fuentes Shizzville 8 Jim Ruland Lazy Mick 38 12 Designated Dale I’m Against It 14 Nardwuar The Human Serviette Who Are You? 19 Jason Willis Satisfaction at No Cost 52 58 20 Rev. Nørb Love, Nørb 24 Josh Lane Kind of a Sewer 28 Gary Hornberger Squeeze My Horn 30 Sean Carswell A Monkey to Ride the Dog 32 The Rhythm Chicken The Dinghole Reports 37 Chrystaei Branchaw’s Photo Page Ben Sankepit flew to Japan again. He’ll be double-featured next issue.

INTERVIEWSANDFEATURES 38 Routineers by Sean Koepenick 44 This Bike Is a Pipebomb by Scott Stanton 64 70 52 The Observers by Josh 58 Paul Roessler by Ryan Leach 64 All-Girl Bands on the Big Screen article by Jennifer Whiteford 70 Bloodbath and Beyond by Megan Pants REVIEWS 76 Record A Hectare of Honkies... 104 Zine Not using that goddamn Courier font would have helped... 108 Book I can't spell "bourgeois" without using spell-check... 112 Video Soooo beyond being labeled as shit...

Individual opinions expressed within are not necessarily those of Razorcake/Gorsky, Inc.

Razorcake/ Gorsky, Inc. Board of Directors are: Todd Taylor, Sean Carswell, Dan Clarke, Katy Spining, Leo Emil Tober III This issue of Razorcake and www.razorcake.com were put together by Todd Taylor, Sean Carswell, Josh Lane, Megan Pants, Skinny Dan, Amy Adoyzie, Julia Smut, Chris Devlin, and Bradley Williams.

Razorcake is bi-monthly. Issues are $3.00 ppd. in the US. Yearly subscriptions (six issues) are $15.00 bulk rate or $21.00 first class mail. Plus you get some free shit. These prices are only valid for people who live in the US and are not in prison. Issues and subs are more for everyone else (because we have to pay more in postage). Write us and we’ll give you a price. Prisoners may receive free single issues of Razorcake solely via Books to Prisoners, 92 Pike St., Box A, Seattle, WA 98101. Want to distribute Razorcake in the United States? The minimum order is five issues. You have to prepay. For $10.00, you’ll receive five copies of the same issue, sent to you when we do our mailout to all of our distros, big and small. Email [email protected] for all the details. "Well, maybe if you Y DDRREEAAMMSS didn't have such shitty GGUUEERRRRIILLLLAA MMY taste in music, they LIZ O would have paid attention to you.”

ecause Sometimes You Need a Celibate Sex God...

Driving across the San Fernando Valley “November Spawned a Monster” or when I when I had to look away because staring Bin rush hour traffic, I popped in a cassette came home from his concert with a t-shirt proved too intense. copy of Strangeways Here We Come, the bearing a half-naked Moz and captioned I wanted to run up towards the stage like final Smiths album. It is the same copy that “The Motorcycle Au Pair Boy.” I had no the kids in the pit did. I wanted to feel the I purchased at Sam Goody in the idea what a motorcycle au pair boy was, but sweat off of his stomach as he writhed and Northridge Mall some fifteen years earlier. it didn’t really matter. grab a piece of the shirt that was, ten min- I went in to buy Viva Hate, Morrissey’s first In June of 1991, Morrissey played utes into the performance, dangling from solo album, after hearing him interviewed Pacific Amphitheatre in Costa Mesa, his wrists. However, there was a hulking on KROQ while my mom was driving me California. This was his first jaunt to Los guard watching the gate that stood five Dto the orthodontist. The salesperson, a col- Angeles without the Smiths and my first rows in front of me and no way I could lege-aged guy with oversized glasses and concert. I was fourteen years old and two pass around him. I had to keep my lust at a one of those really loud print shirts that weeks away from graduating junior high distance. have not been in fashion since 1989, told school. My mom and aunt accompanied When the show ended, forty-five minutes me that I needed to get a Smiths album as my sister and me, which is not as embar- and no encore later, I could barely stand, let well because the Smiths were “like the best rassing as it seems since I made both dress alone speak. I smirked through a mess of band ever.” His recommendation, The in black and Mom did have purple hair at hair that had grown curly and damp with Queen Is Dead, was out of stock, so I the time. Besides, there was no way we humidity for the rest of the night, feeling picked up Strangeways. An hour later, in would have made it down to Orange kind of rebellious, kind of like an adult. I my bedroom, Strangeways Here We Come County without them. probably should have gone to confession tied The Cure’s Disintegration for the title The lights dimmed and the crowd chant- for the great sin of dirty thoughts involving of my favorite album of all time. Little has ed “Morrissey” for what seemed like an a sexually ambiguous Englishman, but I changed since. eternity. I took shallow, anxious breaths and didn’t like church much in the first place, so I had not listened to this tape in years, stood on my toes to look for him. My knees I called my best friend. given that I now have the album on several locked in fear; could this really be as amaz- “Morrissey is the celibate sex god!” formats. I thought it might unravel the ing as I imagined? I held my breath and I exclaimed. moment I put it into the tape deck. I was half-shivered, as though I had jumped into She laughed. “That’s the most ridiculous wrong. The songs fade away in certain cold water. This is it. This is it. This is it. thing I ever heard.” places now—and there are tin sounds I felt it the very second he stepped onto It sounds terrible to admit that I took a where tin sounds should not exist—but it is that stage, a deep pressure that was all con- serious musician like Morrissey and com- still audible. So I followed the motion of suming. I curled my toes so that the stock- pletely objectified him. I was a smart girl traffic at 5:00 p.m.—accelerate, brake, ing-clad tips burrowed into the soles of my with a growing interest in feminism and, repeat—and tried to figure out why I ended Mary Janes and gasped. really, I should have known better. Right? up being one of those diehard Morrissey “Oh, my God.” But Morrissey offered something that I fans who only seem to exist in L.A. these There he was: all floppy hair with his could not find in my own neighborhood. days. I thought about how oppressive the scrawny frame visible through a sheer For the past eight years, I had attended a music felt and tried to relate to feeling blouse. From about fifteen rows back, I small parochial school and, by the time of trapped by the surrounding mountains and could not see the piercing blue of his eyes, our graduation, our class of thirty consisted smog that was particularly ugly on this day. but I could feel that gaze bore through my of eight boys. All eight boys were Napoleon I thought about it in relationship to being chest as he sang “Piccadilly Palare.” short and had somehow been inspired by an adolescent misfit. Then I realized that, I didn’t want to scream at first, so I Straight Outta Compton to embark on a in true music journalist fashion, I was read- clutched the handle of my metal-trimmed quest for street credibility, regardless of the ing way too much into Morrissey’s cata- black lunchbox as tight as possible. I felt fact that they rolled up to school in mom’s logue. The simple truth was, I just wanted the groove of the handle dig into my palm Benz and upgraded Air Jordan models more Morrissey. Bad. as my fingertips tingled. An attempt to than annually. There was no way I could do I wanted Morrissey in ways that a maintain some sense of composure left anything other than laugh at them. teenage girl from a Catholic school, where me aching. Likewise, Morrissey was the antithesis of sex ed was limited to pictures of botched My screams were muffled by the similar teenage heartthrobs. He was not a clean-cut abortions, could not fathom. This might sounds surrounding me, but they were boy-next-door, like New Kids On The have been obvious to everyone around me loud, passionate howls that came straight Block, nor was he a longhaired dude a la when I ceremoniously replaced my Bop from the gut and rubbed my vocal chords Axl Rose. He was something that the suits Magazine posters of a seemingly innocent raw. I danced frantically, pulling at my never would have imagined marketing to Corey Haim with visions of a shirtless bobbed hair while trying not to avert my fourteen-year-olds. In interviews, Morrissey taken from the video for eyes from the stage. But there were times Morrissey would proclaim a preference for 4 celibacy, marking himself as neither straight nor gay. That said, any fan could impart upon him any far off desire we wished. The mystery just added to the fan/rock star relation- ship, what Donald Horton and R. Richard Wohl referred to as “paraso- cial interaction” back in 1956. But what really made me bite my lip and flutter my eyes was that Morrissey was an intelligent rock star. Here was a guy who could work Keats, Yeats, and Wilde into one song, who could make proper use of the term “sycophantic” in a sentence. And he did it all with a croon that sounded like an exquisite heartbreak. At fourteen, I was a beret-wearing, Sylvia Plath-reading, poetry-scrawl- ing nerd. I had a hard time making friends, let alone finding dates. But like the wallflowers of romance nov- els who suddenly become confident and beautiful after a first affair, my first concert transformed me from a weird-looking pariah to a social out- cast who was sort of cool. I would never be popular, but at least now I might be considered interesting. Two weeks after the Morrissey show, I went on the class trip to Disneyland clad in my brand new concert t-shirt and boasting a Morrissey sticker on my lunchbox. “You’re going to get in trouble for wearing that shirt,” my best friend warned, as if I cared about matters of dress code anymore. Much to the chagrin of my equally nerdy, yet boy-crazed friends, the hotties from Whittier who we met in line for the Matterhorn spent most of the day ignoring them and talking to me. It wasn’t anything major. We were just discussing the concert in minute detail and listening to Morrissey’s live KROQ sessions that I had taped off the radio the night before, but it was enough to drive the other girls into a fit. Liz and the Whittier Boys became the topic of conversation for the two- hour ride home. After listening to a string of remarks so catty that they could not even qualify as backhand- ed compliments, I put my book down and sat up with all the poise of an adult. “Well, maybe if you didn’t have such shitty taste in music, they would have paid attention to you.” I may not have grown more mature through the imagined affair with a sophisticated Englishman, but now I could at least put forth the airs of an adult.

–Liz O.

Illustration by Terry Rentzepis www.alltenthumbs.com

5

“When I left Vietnam LLAAZZYY MMIICCKK the poker game was JIM RULAND going into its third year of continual operation.” WAR STORIES Part 1 of 3 good they’ll refuse to take credit it for it, different politics, so when he told me he they were simply there. And so it is with was a member of the organization I was Punk rock musicians are a lot like mili- combat veterans. stunned. I asked him to explain his rea- tary veterans. No, that’s not a misprint. I was born while my father was in sons and he did so in great detail. Then One of the things I love about Razorcake Vietnam and like most vets, he never real- something amazing happened. While interviews is how the musicians can ly talked about his service—with me or describing for me what John Kerry did always be counted on to tell war stories anyone else. All I knew was that he was and did not do while he was in Vietnam, Pabout their adventures on the road and in the OINC (Officer in Charge) of a PCF my father started talking about his own their scene. But as soon as the interviewer (Patrol Craft Fast or Swift Boat), which experiences in the country. I kept asking puts the focus on the music and suggests were much bigger and faster than the questions and he kept answering them, that it’s vital, important or even great, the PBRs (Patrol Boat River) that ferried even though we had opposing ideas as punk rockers will deflect the notion with Martin Sheen downriver in Apocalypse to who should be the next Commander- self-deprecating humor or sarcasm, and if Now. When John Kerry made his war in-Chief. the interviewer keeps at it the musicians record in Vietnam a central platform of After the election, the Swift Boat will get embarrassed or even pissed off his election campaign last year, Swift Veterans for Truth had a Mission and ask them to cut it out. A punk rock Boats became a household name thanks to Accomplished Banquet—at Disney World musician will tell you if it was a good the special interest group that succeeded of all places—and my father invited me as show or a bad show, but if it was bad in discrediting John Kerry’s war record. his guest. I went, but I brought my tape they’ll blame themselves and it if was Suffice to say my father and I have very recorder with me, and I recorded hours of stories I’d never heard before. I didn’t went through all this trouble since the Viet R&R (rest and relaxation) center so you felt interview my father with the idea of pub- Cong were not using any kind of codes. a little bit ridiculous being out there in full lishing it here in Razorcake or anywhere They would be in four-letter groups, and battle array watching all these Air Force else for that matter. I did it for personal when you broke that group it represented guys swimming. It made no sense whatso- reasons, but while I was transcribing the one letter in a word. So you can imagine ever. But the rest of it was more like you interview I realized there was very little then if you wanted to say something like would think it would be, but still we all war in his war stories, and a whole lot of “The quick brown fox jumped over the hated India. So it was a long time out there drinking, gambling, and listening to whatever,” it would take you all day to and I wasn’t the only one impatient for the music. Sound familiar? assemble the code. patrol to be over because as the other boats These interviews took place over the Lazy Mick: So it kept the crypto-ana- broke the encrypted message, they started course of two days at the end of January lysts busy. sending their own messages to us, and they 2005, on the grounds of the Dolphin Jim Ruland: When a message was sent, it too were all encrypted. At this point the Hotel in Orlando, Florida. They begin, didn’t matter whether it was addressed to radioman is really hating life, but pretty appropriately enough, onboard the boat you or not, anyone who was out there on soon he doesn’t have to break the code the circuit would have their radiomen that ferries hotel guests around a man- groups anymore because they all said the decrypt it, not because they were nosey, same thing: “Give every man his dew.” made lake. Sometimes the poker game stopped because the base would get overrun, but everyone would just leave their cards on the table with their chips and stuff, go shoot somebody,and then come back.

Lazy Mick: Let’s start with the Tullamore although they probably were, but because it Lazy Mick: So my arrival was greatly antic- Dew story. was good training for the radiomen. The ipated by the men of Coastal Division 15. Jim Ruland: The story begins when you radiomen hated this because there was Jim Ruland: That’s right. When we get were conceived and I went to Vietnam and nothing that you ever learned from it other back, it’s the next day. The first thing you your mother sent a bottle of Tullamore than the tedium of knowing that today do when you get in from patrol is get the Dew, cleverly concealed inside a loaf of Bravo Tango Foxtrot Echo meant “E.” So boat ready to go out on patrol because you bread. You have to remember that until a when the message came in it was addressed never know when that’s going to have to few years ago, the whiskey came in an to me personally, which was unusual, happen. Sometimes even if you weren’t earthen crock. because if it were any kind of operational going out on patrol, in the middle of the Lazy Mick: Like a bottle of poteen [Irish thing it would be addressed to the unit. My night you’d have to use them as defensive moonshine, pronounced po-cheen.] radioman didn’t need any instruction, but weapons. The armaments on the boat were Jim Ruland: Right. On one side of the all the radiomen on all the other boats on the only things we had to protect the base. crock it said, “Give every man his dew,” patrol were all doing the same damn thing: So the first thing you do when you get in is and on the other side it said the same thing breaking this message. What the message always the last thing you really felt like only in Gaelic. So depending on which way said when it was decoded was, “To the doing, and that’s to re-arm, re-fuel, re-pro- you faced the crock you could either read it Officer-in-Charge of Patrol Craft 41: You vision and make the boat ready in all or you couldn’t. When the crock of Irish are the father of a son. Mother and son respects to get underway again. Well, at whiskey arrived in Vietnam with the note doing fine.” And it was sent from the this point anticipation in our little explaining that it was to be opened on the American Red Cross. So my crew congrat- makeshift Officer’s Club had reached fever occasion of your birth, it was immediately ulated me… pitch. The “Give every man his dew” chant placed in a conspicuous shelf and for the [At that moment the boat was making its was now almost audible down on the dock. next several months all anyone ever did approach to the pier and collided with the When I finally did come through the door I was look at it, and salivate a little, and piling, sending a mild tremor throughout was welcomed with a great cheer and a repeat the mantra… the boat, to which my father responded, conspicuous lack of questions about how Lazy Mick: “Give every man his dew.” “You would think that someone who does the mother was or how the son was, or how Jim Ruland: And then the great day came. this everyday would know what they were many fingers and toes. The focus was all on I was out on patrol in the southernmost doing.” There are few things my father the damn Dew. Once that was done, once patrol area, designated 3-India. The mes- can’t abide, bad seamanship being chief the crock was cracked, then all the normal sage came over on the radio circuit but it among them.] kinds of social exchange occurred. was encrypted using a code that we were Lazy Mick: Back to our story… Lazy Mick: Great story. issued and the code changed every day. So Jim Ruland: We got a long ways to go Jim Ruland: There’s another that’s almost when you went out on patrol you normally before our patrol is over. 3-India is the akin to that, though certainly it’s not as had two or three days worth of code table largest patrol area and everybody hated it important, especially to you, and that was and they were sealed. If your patrol was because it was far away. So after you were the day that a 200-record jukebox arrived at curtailed for any reason, then you had to done, you had a good three-plus hours to the Officer’s Club without any records. We return the unused days with the seals intact scoot home. We also hated it because noth- had this jukebox for about a month but we or otherwise people would say, “What’s ing ever happened there. A quarter of the didn’t have any records. So after several this?” It was never clear to me why we patrol area was where the Air Force had an weeks of looking at this state-of-the-art 9 Jim Ruland Sr. jukebox, which we couldn’t get to make Jim Ruland: Well, we built it ourselves. It Most of us had allotments going home and any noise, your mother sent over some 45s was like a Quonset hut but we called it the just a few bucks left to be paid with, but that I’d asked for the day the jukebox Club. It had a little patio. It didn’t overlook you’d get your MPC and if you played arrived without any records. She sent over anything, but you could sit out there. The poker you traded your MPC funny money five records. Curiously, someone else had main feature of the Club was a huge ship’s in for chips. So you’re now another step done the same thing and they sent over fender that we had up on a tripod that we removed from the reality of what it is you three or four records. Chief amongst their used as a bladder so that we could have were doing. group was Otis Redding’s “Sitting on the fresh water. We’d fill up the bladder and Lazy Mick: Was poker a big diversion? Dock of a Bay,” which to this day, when I there was a little tube that went from the Jim Ruland: When I left Vietnam the poker hear it, my first impulse is to run up and bladder to the ice machine so you could game was going into its third year of contin- squelch the sound because I’ve heard it a have ice in your drink without poisoning ual operation. The poker game never ended. million fucking times, all in the space of yourself. The other main features were a The poker game went nonstop. People three weeks. Your mother, on the other horseshoe-shaped bar, a poker table, and a would come and go off patrol at all times of hand, sent the Unicorn song. [Schlock couple of other smaller tables. We didn’t day and night, so the game never stopped. Irish sing-a-long.] have anyone to tend bar. At first, everybody There were usually three or four people Lazy Mick: Oh God. wanted to tend bar, then nobody wanted to waiting to get in. So it was the only constant Jim Ruland: Which I hated. I even hated do it. thing in your life. Sometimes it stopped it before that whole siege started. Then Lazy Mick: Too many customers? because the base would get overrun, but she sent… Jim Ruland: You’d be going out on patrol everyone would just leave their cards on the Lazy Mick: Ruthie Morrissey? again tomorrow, so what do I need to do this table with their chips and stuff, go shoot Jim Ruland: Yep, “I Wouldn’t Trade the for? So without anyone to volunteer to tend somebody, and then come back. The dealer Silver in My Mother’s Hair for All the Gold bar, we had to think of a different scheme would look at the marker that told whose in the World.” That was not an instant suc- for charging for drinks and stuff. So we got turn it was and say, “So how many cards do cess among the rest of the troops. The third the idea to charge by the hour. And that’s you want?” The game was in continual one was Ronnie Drew and the Dubliners. what we did: we charged thirty cents an progress my entire tour, I can testify to that, The song about “What’s this head upon the hour. It didn’t matter if you were drinking and I was told that it had been going on for bed where my old head should be?” (“Seven or not. People would say, “Well I only had a couple years before I got there. Drunken Days, Seven Drunken Nights”) a coke.” “Shut up, it’s only thirty cents.” Lazy Mick: So it was more dangerous Lazy Mick: That’s not a good song for And it wasn’t money; it was MPC. being at the base than out on patrol? guys away from home. Lazy Mick: Military… Jim Ruland: Very definitely. When you’re Jim Ruland: No. I think there was a Wolf Jim Ruland: I forget what it stands for, but out on patrol, you’re focused. You’re basi- Tones in there, but anyway there were five it was script, like Monopoly money. You cally at General Quarters the entire time Irish songs. So we had like eight records: five could only spend it there and you couldn’t you’re out. Well, most of the time, but Irish records and “Sitting on the Dock of a take it out of the country. So it was weird. you’re basically in a combat ready mindset. Bay.” Come to think of it, this was right You changed your money to MPC as soon around the time that Otis Redding died, which as you came in country. It was illegal to ...to be continued I thought was a very fine idea. You’d sit in the have U.S. dollars in the country. So you club and these things would play forever. traded them off and you got MPC. Every -Jim Ruland Lazy Mick: Describe the Officer’s Club. time you got paid, you got paid in MPC.

11 You're basically doing tackle maneuvers on the II’’MM AAGGAAIINNSSTT IITT wet ground. Think about it, DESIGNATED between you and the DALE ground was a sheet of plastic.

and Lawn Dart Darwinism Slippery Bananas Ah, once more the skin-damaging rays of owner, been recalled, or simply been banned bly has happened when a three- or four-year- summer are upon us. The daylight hours by the U.S. Consumer Product Safety old kid dicks around with a garden hose and linger longer into the evenings with all of the Commission. meets the same fate of those who “fell prey scraggly, outta-school kids running amok. According to the CPSC their goal is to the ominous Water Wiggle.” Better call The sizzling scent of barbecues breeze all “charged with protecting the public from Home Depot to get those coiled green snakes around the neighborhood, and the familiar unreasonable risks of serious injury or death off the shelves that unsuspectingly fill inno- A 2 sound of those wonderfully illegal (depend- from more than 15,000 types of consumer cent children’s lungs with venomous H O. ing on what state you reside in) fireworks products under the agency’s jurisdiction. Goodness! What to do? Water the lawn or swish, pop, and boom in the air. I don’t Deaths, injuries, and property damage from kill the kids? Gimme a fuckin’ break. know about you, but no matter where you consumer product incidents cost the nation find yourself living these days, the summer more than $700 billion annually… The March 10, 1980 days remind me of trying to beat the heat CPSC’s work to ensure the safety of con- Wham-O to Correct Potential Hazard in when it climbed to record highs. sumer products… contributed significantly Children’s Outdoor Water Toy A favorite way of trying to shake off Mr. to the 30 percent decline in the rate of deaths A program to correct more than 100,000 Sun included flailing about inside those and injuries associated with consumer prod- outdoor “Fun Fountain” water toys which makeshift pools in our backyard. You know ucts over the past 30 years.” may cause serious injuries to children is which pools I’m talking about: those little All this sounds like a good idea, especial- being conducted by the Wham-O Mfg. Co. above-the-ground kits that consisted of a ly when a company sometimes manufactures The toy consists of a clown hat and head two-foot-high piece of sheet metal that, something that can be seriously or fatally which attaches onto the end of a garden hose when fastened end to end, made a nifty harmful. For example, a small piece on a so that the hat rises in the air when water eight-foot-across pool, complete with a baby item that can be pulled or broken off, flows through the clown’s head. Children vinyl liner. Besides continually sifting out ending up with the infant choking, or a may be inclined to peer into the water outlet all the grass that we’d track in and keeping a faulty electrical appliance that could cause and the stream of water could cause serious pH of just enough bleach (yeah, bleach— electrocution or fire. Without a doubt, these eye injuries. CPSC so far has been informed how punk rock is that? Moms didn’t fuck and other situations of the like have to be of two consumer complaints since June,1979, around) to keep the algae at bay, the pool addressed, but some of the following toys involving a six-year-old boy and a seven- was chock full of splashy goodness. The only that I did the bit of research on ended up on year-old boy who suffered eye injuries when problem was when the flailing got out of the CPSC’s list. Should they have? Read on struck at close distance by water emitted hand (running across the yard and jumping in and you tell me. Remember that these are all from the toys. According to the company, the and roughhousing) the sheet metal would official notices taken from the CPSC’s web- potential hazard has been corrected on all give way and the once-cooling body of water site archive. None of this shit’s been made up. “Fun Fountain” toys manufactured since would go running across the lawn. D’oh. December 1979 when the toys began to be Another way to keep the scorching weath- April 13, 1978 produced with a water flow control valve to decrease and control the water flow. er at bay was with blasting the hose with the Recall of Wham-O Water Wiggle Toy high-pressure nozzle. Sounds easy enough, Wham-O Manufacturing Co., San Gabriel, right? I’d be staying nice ‘n cool while keep- Calif. announced it is voluntarily stopping Par-don my hard-on, but since when did it ing the front and backyards somewhat sale and recalling its “Water Wiggle” toy. seem reasonable, let alone logical, to want to watered, two birds with one stone, ya know? The toy consists of a seven-foot plastic hose peer into something that’s kicking out pres- Once again, my flailing kicked in and soon attached to an aluminum water-jet nozzle surized water? A dunce doing something like the house windows and cars out front were which is covered by a bell-shaped plastic this calls to mind when our own Art Fuentes getting pelted with high-pressured overspray head. The toy is designed to be attached to a used to dupe a few kids in our elementary from me whipping the hose around. So much garden hose for water fun. Wham-O stated school classroom into the “smells like cinna- for the hose. I was a hyper, twitchy kid. that the recall is occasioned by the death of mon” scam. Art would hold open a school What was I gonna do? Get off my back. a four-year-old child in March 1978. The textbook with both hands, offering the target The easiest of all ways to simply keep youngster was playing with some other chil- to smell where the pages came together near cool was to catch sessions at friends’ houses dren in his backyard with a dismantled the binding, claiming it had a cinnamon-like that had built-in pools, which was always “Water Wiggle,” one from which the bell- aroma. If the target were slow enough to go fun, especially if they were having backyard shaped head had been removed or had come along with this, Art would then slam the parties. While thinking about all of this late- off. The exposed aluminum nozzle became book shut, nearly catching their nose in the ly, I tried remembering some of the more lodged in his mouth and he drowned. process. As far as the kids mentioned above popular water/backyard toys out at the time with the eye injuries due to peering into jet while growing up in elementary school dur- Okay, first things first. I love just about streams of water? Get your eye patches on ing the mid-‘70s through the early ‘80s. My everything and anything that Wham-O came and come over here. Art’s got a book he memory conjured up several and after doing out with over the years. They were really out wants to show you and I got a garden hose a bit of research, I found out that a couple of there when it came to toy invention. That fitted with my old high-pressure nozzle that these outdoor toys of my years gone by have said, there’s not a lick of bias when I say has your face written all over it. Dumbasses. had official warning notices addressed to the this: The same thing could have and proba- 12 July 30, 1987 the sky. Hope you like arrows in Lawn Darts Can Cause Serious your burger, cocko. or Fatal Head Injuries and Death The Consumer Product Safety May 27, 1993 WHAM-O Backyard Water Commission today warns parents Slides Are Dangerous for Adults not to allow children to play with and Teenagers lawn darts or play near where Approximately 9 million Wham-O lawn dart games are being backyard water slides, manufactured played. Although the tip of lawn by Kransco and Wham-O. The water dart may appear blunt, when slides were sold nationwide from thrown up into the air the lawn 1961 through February 1992 under dart can penetrate a child’s skull. the following names: Slip ‘N Slide, An estimated 6,100 people have Super Slip ‘N Slide, Slip ‘N Splash, been treated in hospital emer- White Water Rapids, Fast Track gency rooms for injuries involv- Racers, and Wet Banana. The slides ing lawn darts from 1978 through are long plastic sheets with stakes to 1986. In addition to the death of secure the sheet to a flat lawn free of the seven-year-old girl in April, rocks, mounds, and depressions. the Commission is aware of one Kransco reports that seven adults other lawn dart death which who used Wham-O slides suffered involved a four-year-old boy and neck injuries, quadriplegia, or para- occurred in 1970. Effective plegia. December 19, 1988, all lawn darts are banned from sale in the Three words about this CPSC bul- United States. The Consumer letin release: “Uh, no shit?” As avid a Product Safety Commission urges fan of the Slip ‘N Slide as a kid, parents to discard or destroy all they’ve been the ample providers of lawn darts immediately. They bruises, road rash, and assorted body should not be given away since beatings for as long as I can remem- they may be of harm to others. ber. You’re basically doing tackle maneuvers on the wet ground. Think I’m sure that this one about lawn about it: between you and the ground darts (“Jarts”) is the one every- was a sheet of plastic. There was a one has heard about time and general rule for these water-drizzling, time again. Funny thing is, the yellow vinyl sheets of summer. The gruesome stories that have been more plush the lawn you set the Slip passed on over the years about ‘N Slide up on, the less physical pun- these “deadly lawn toys” have ishment you were gonna endure. been ridiculously exaggerated to That, and clearing the ground of any mythical proportions, making obstacles. Remember when you got them sound less like a backyard the surprise of that rock that you did- game and more like a weapon n’t see on the grass while setting up? from a bad B-movie. There’s the Sometimes I think it would have one about how people have had been easier to set it up on our drive- an airborne Jart unwillingly way, as the yards would sometimes shisk-a-bob them in the eye, get a nice and crispy brown due to a resulting in pulling the eyeball Although the tip of lawn dart gnarly heat wave, along with those right out of its socket, or the one may appear blunt, when thrown little feet-piercing thistle balls that of how people’s pets ended up stuck to everything. Without a doubt, being moving targets in a new up into the air the lawn dart the concrete driveway would’ve game of Jarts. And the favorite of awarded us with many broken bones, mine that I always heard about: can penetrate a child's skull. but at least the downward slope straight up Jart fights. All the fun would have guaranteed kickass high of a good-natured dirt clod fight, speeds with the possibility of a ramp only more severe, even more so than when More power to ‘em. What’s really making at the bottom that would launch sliders into a someone always upped the ante to rocks in me scratch my monkey noggin’ is that the nearby kiddie pool. Hey, I may be on to some- those clod fights (and you ante-uppers know CPSC never really went after regular darts, thing here, Wham-O! If I could just figure out who you are). As horrible as these three tales like the kind you throw in a garage or bar. a way to soften up the ride, I could help you of yore sound, something similar along the But then again, the smaller-sized darts aren’t guys regain the throne of summertime water lines has probably taken place with lawn like the big ol’ nasty “lawn daggers,” right? I wackiness. In fact, I should get in contact with darts, though I would like to think they did- mean, you wouldn’t take these little darts the CPSC to find out what I shouldn’t be n’t. Shit happens and it goes without saying: outside, throw them up into the air, and keep including on my design—it would probably you play with fire and you’re gonna get your fingers crossed that they wouldn’t come speed up the process. burned (don’t even get me started on the down embedding themselves into someone’s ‘Til then, kiddies, I hope you’re all digging idiocy of literally playing with fire). While skull, right? But you could. Come to think of the summer the best way you can. Just be care- poking around further about the whole lawn it, you could do this with anything possess- ful you don’t go and poke yourself in the eye dart banning, I found a website dedicated to ing a sharpened, pointy end. And speaking of the next time you’re picking your nose. I’d those who buck the system, defending the sharpened, pointy ends, I’m sending that hate to see any one of our ten fingers getting faith of those who refuse to relinquish their drunken, bastard relative of William Tell banned, especially my two middle ones. now-illegal, grassy, outdoor fun: over to your next barbecue. No worries, he . Even though there’s a don’t eat much and he’ll show up snockered I’m Against It site disclaimer, these folks seem pretty seri- to the gills, but on a sporting bet, you can -Designated Dale ous about their Jart-a-licious recreations. challenge him to shoot “that apple” out of [email protected]

13 “Well, y'know, Me First And The Gimmie Gimmies, no one AREEYYOOUU?? thinks we're great but WWHHOO AR it's hard not to kinda like us.” Nardwuar Vs. Fat Mike Live on CiTR FM 101.9, Nardwuar: Stop making me look… What extra distance do Me First And The Vancouver, BC, Canada Fat Mike: So you’re saying there is a slip up Gimmie Gimmies add, Fat Mike, to the songs? in the medication taking today? Fat Mike: We don’t do a lot, we don’t try hard, Nardwuar: Who are you? Nardwuar: [laughs] No. less hard than any band in rock ‘n’ roll that I Fat Mike: My name is Fat Mike. Fat Mike: Maybe you took two Wednesday can think of. We don’t write anything. We Nardwuar: Who are you Fat Mike? night pills when you… I forgot the question, don’t come up with a lot of original ideas. Fat Mike: I’m a nice Jewish man from San guy, Marcus. Nardwuar: Well, your shirts are amazing. You Francisco. Nardwuar: I bring this up because there was talked about your shirts. I love the shirts. Nardwuar: Playing tonight in Vancouver, a description of The Misfats that I found that Fat Mike: Well thanks, but all that is, is twen- N said [reads] “The Misfats are different. Unlike ty bucks a pop so we’re really not putting that British Columbia, Canada. Fat Mike: Yeah, we’re playing at Richard’s On like NOFX’s, average proportioned Fat Mike, much effort into it. Richards, but don’t come. these guys not only look the portly part, but Nardwuar: Don’t try to fool me on that! I Nardwuar: Fat Mike, the band that is playing also tweak Misfit lyrics to celebrate the lard know about wardrobe and assembling a is called Me First And The Gimmie Gimmies. ass lifestyle. ‘20 Pies’ and ‘Mommy Can I Go wardrobe. How do you get those shirts because That is the band that you participate in right? Out and Grill Tonight’ rank among the finest they’re all amazing? They’re not just like Fat Mike: Occasionally. food-based parodies since Weird Al’s glori- twenty bucks. They look really good. How Nardwuar: Fat Mike, what did you think about ously gluttonous ‘Eat It’ and ‘Fat”.’” So that hard is it to get the outfits? that song I just played there? It was by a band is The Misfats. Fat Mike: No. Actually, well we just got back called The Misfats. All fat guys doing Misfits Fat Mike: Yeah, it makes sense to do that. from our second Hawaiian tour. We did four covers with their song “Mommy Can I Go Out But it’s kind of like a comedy album. shows out there and we just went to a shop and and Grill Tonight?” Something that you might find slightly funny bought our clothes, so it actually was pretty Fat Mike: [laughs] Uh, I hadn’t heard it. once, but I dunno how many times you want easy and they were $19.99. Nardwuar: Have you heard of The Misfits at all? to listen to it. The whole difference in that Nardwuar: How many different outfits do Me Fat Mike: The Misfits or The Misfats? song is two consonants. So, I dunno if that First And The Gimmie Gimmies have Fat Mike? Nardwuar: Have you heard of The Misfits and makes much of a difference in a cover song. I Fat Mike: One. have you heard of The Misfats? don’t know how interesting that makes it. Nardwuar: Just one? I thought you had a Fat Mike: Yeah, in fact as a teenager Nardwuar. Nardwuar: So how does that compare with whole bunch. Like, every time I see a photo of I heard your name is Marcus, is that true? what will be happening tonight with Me First you guys you’re wearing a different outfit. It’s Nardwuar: Could be. And The Gimmie Gimmies? really impressive. Fat Mike: Okay. Anyway Marcus, I had a devil Fat Mike: Well, we’ll be loaded and probably Fat Mike: Okay, okay. We have five or six. lock when I was fifteen years old so yeah, I’ve be making a large amount of errors and our Nardwuar: Yeah. Could you explain them been a Misfits fan for quite a while. clothes match. perhaps to the listeners out there in radioland Nardwuar: Well, these guys are called The Nardwuar: Fat Mike, you are from San Fat Mike? Misfats and they’re out of Portland, Oregon and Francisco, California. There’s a band called Fat Mike: I think the listeners in radio land the reason I bring them up is your band, Me First Plan 9. Have you seen them? They’re like a don’t care about our outfits. And The Gimmie Gimmies, what do you do Misfits tribute band? Nardwuar: I do! I care! I’m the listener and with cover songs—not to confuse them with The Fat Mike: No. By the way Marcus, we aren’t I’m listening right now. I’m the listener! I’m Misfats. The Misfats take Misfits songs and put a tribute band. We are a cover band. listening here to Fat Mike. Me First are playing their own fat twist on it. What do Me First And The Nardwuar: I’m sorry. at Richard’s On Richards with Chixdiggit. Gimmie Gimmies do? Fat Mike: No. There’s a big difference. We Fat Mike: Yeah, there’s enough people here Fat Mike: We make mediocre songs and have a rivalry going almost, such as the ones tonight so we don’t need anymore people. degrade songs. between mimes and clowns. [Nardwuar gets a caller] Nardwuar: Do you put new lyrics into them or Nardwuar: I wasn’t actually… Nardwuar: Caller are you there? do you keep the original lyrics? Like what’s the Fat Mike: We’re clowns. Caller#1: Yes, I am, Marcus. difference between The Misfats and Me First Nardwuar: I wasn’t actually going to go in Nardwuar: Go ahead to Fat Mike. No, it’s And The Gimmie Gimmies? that direction Fat Mike. I heard that these guys Nardwuar The Human Serviette, please. Thank Fat Mike: Nardwuar, you’re being particularly are so authentic in Plan 9 that the lead singer you. Caller are you there? weird this afternoon. was surgically altered to look like Danzig. Caller#1: Yeah, I’m here and I’m just thinking Nardwuar: Thank you. Fat Mike: So he had his legs cut off at the knees? I’d sure like to hear more about their wardrobe. Fat Mike: Yeah [laughs], are you not on your Nardwuar: Ba-boom! Fat Mike, Fat Mike: [laughs] You are a liar. medication today? Fat Mike: Oh y’know, that was bad. I’m sorry. Nardwuar: Thank you caller. You are the one Nardwuar: Well, I’m building up to something Nardwuar: Not the Marcus The Human listener out there, caller. because there is a combination, there is a differ- Serviette radio show. So how do Me First And Caller#1: Yeah, so I’ll leave you guys to it. ence between... The Gimmie Gimmies compare to Plan 9? Like Nardwuar: Thank you so much caller and Fat Mike: [laughs] Plan 9 will get surgically altered to fit the songs. doot doola doot doo... 14

“We make mediocre songs and degrade songs.” Caller#1: Me too! other shows and I was looking around for Winnipeg’s always been one of our favorite Nardwuar: Well, me first. That would them. And I finally found one of the guys Canadian cities, but every decently sized work pretty good. Thank you. and went “Hey, it’s me, Mike. Remember Canadian city is a good town, really. Caller#1: Or, hang on. Actually maybe this from last year?” And he said, “No.” And Nardwuar: How about visiting Vancouver works. Just see if this works… that was that. for the first time? [Presses two keys on phone keypad] Chris: Were you crushed or… Fat Mike: Oh, I’ve been here a lot of times, Nardwuar: Thank you. Fat Mike: Yeah, I was crushed. But, Marcus. Fat Mike: So people do care about the y’know I was sixteen, so I deserved it. And Nardwuar: Nardwuar The Human wardrobe. I get that all the time now. I get kids saying, Serviette. Nardwuar: They do. Maybe you could “Remember last year? Remember we talked Fat Mike: [laughs] elaborate a bit? for a minute?” And I don’t remember them Nardwuar: Thank you very much Fat Fat Mike: Uh, we don’t wear drag very often. either, but... Mike. Well, if you want, you can call me Nardwuar: Ba-boom! Nardwuar: And Chris, actually, believe it Marcus. I dunno, I don’t feel as comfortable Fat Mike: Marcus? or not Fat Mike, actually is pictured on a calling myself Marcus because I think of Nardwuar: And we have Fat Mike from Me Stretch Marks 7-incher. Is that true Chris? Marcus Rogers and Marcus Rogers is a First And The Gimmie Gimmies on the line. Chris: That’s right. local filmmaker that works with D.O.A. [Nardwuar gets another caller] Fat Mike: Is it the “Dog’s World” one? D.O.A. are related to Death Sentence, well Nardwuar: Caller are you there? Chris: Yeah, on the back. The dance floor kind of indirectly. I think there might have Chris Walter: Yes I’m here. It’s Chris was kind of empty because I think there was been some tie-overs and I wanted to ask you Walter. beer spilt on it and people were fallin’ down Fat Mike about your first time in Nardwuar: Fat Mike, I’d like to introduce at that moment, but I seemed to have Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, you to this caller. Chris Walter is originally regained my feet and I was in front of the because didn’t you run into the notorious from Winnipeg, Manitoba and I asked stage there. local punk band Death Sentence? Chris to phone in because he is an expert on Nardwuar: Chris, is it true also that a Fat Mike: Yes. What happened is we could- all things Stretch-Markian. Stretch-Marker lives in Vancouver now? A n’t get over the border with our equipment Fat Mike: Oh boy. Stretch-Marker could actually go to Me and we had a show with Death Sentence. We Nardwuar: And I wondered if you could First and thank Fat Mike for seeing them drove back to Seattle, dropped our equip- retell the story of seeing The Stretch Marks four nights in a row way back in the ‘80s? ment off, came back up, made it to through and how you love Canadian punk. Chris: Well, Dick lives in Burnaby now. I the border, made it to the show in the after- Fat Mike: [laughs] don’t see him too often now. Once in a while noon and said, “Can we use some of you Chris: It was in Hollywood? I do. I have a question for Fat Mike, though. guys’ gear to play?” and they said, “No.” So Fat Mike: It was in Hollywood, yeah. I Fat Mike: Sure. we didn’t get to play. That was 1985. saw the Stretch Marks four days in a row. It Chris: How did you end up with a sound- Nardwuar: Welcome to Canada. was their first tour out there and we were man named Limo from Winnipeg? Fat Mike: Yeah. singing along to songs and they couldn’t Fat Mike: I dunno how. We have a manag- Chris: I’m gonna have to put that on Syd believe that because they didn’t have any of er from Winnipeg. We have a soundman Savage (Death Sentence guitarist) next time them recorded yet. from Winnipeg. We have someone we don’t I see him. Chris: Well, their songs are very easy to like at all from Winnipeg who hangs out Fat Mike: [laughs] sing along to. It’s just like, “Woof woof, it’s with us. Basically, we hired the entire Chris: “Hey, you wouldn’t let them use a dogs world.” I mean like how… Gorilla Gorilla band except for Bif Naked. your gear in the ‘80s.” Fat Mike: That’s true, but they were still Chris: Except for Bif. She got left out huh? Fat Mike: So, we ended up not playing the impressed that these three kids showed up Fat Mike: Yeah. show and we went to a billiard hall and the at all four shows they played. And then next Chris: Aw, poor Bif. pool tables were much too large. year they came back and played a couple Fat Mike: [laughs] But I dunno. Nardwuar: Chris also is involved with 15 rock’n’roll too, Fat Mike. And Chris, Fat Mike: Mad at me? maybe you want to mention to Fat Mike Nardwuar: I thought Propagandhi were about your book and what’s going to be mad at you perhaps? going on tomorrow night? Fat Mike: No, no, no. It’s just they were CW: I’m having a book launch at the gonna be on the Rock Against Bush comp Asbalt Hotel for my new book, Destroy and we ended up not putting their song on. Canada. (available at We all decided it was better off if it wasn’t www.punkbooks.com) on. It’s because they don’t believe in the Nardwuar: Chris’s other book chronicles a entire U.S. political system in the first lot of the Winnipeg punk scene. Maybe Fat place. We just thought it was kind of silly Mike would be interested in picking that for them to be on the comp. What about one up, right Chris? Teenage Head? Chris: Yeah. It’s called I Was a Punk Chris: Yeah they were great too, yeah. Before You Were a Punk. It’s a joke we used Nardwuar: So, Fat Mike Burkett. Fat Mike: I dunno about great. [laughs] to say to each other like when we were kids Now Mike, the last time I talked to Chris: They were one of the first bands I and none of us had been punks for very you, I mentioned that there was an saw. They were killer. long and we used to say, “I was a punk Idaho State Senator called Mike Fat Mike: Y’know the first, the first punk before you were a punk.” Burkett. There really was. Have you band I ever saw was the Canadian Fat Mike: Right, but you’re talking Subhumans. found anything more about this? months though? Chris: Yeah, they were great too. Chris: Yeah, back in the early ‘80s. Fat Mike: No. I don’t care. Fat Mike: They opened up for X at the Fat Mike: I got that a lot in high school Nardwuar: Isn’t that amazing though? Whiskey. when people would call me a poser. Mike Burkett. Your exact name is the Nardwuar: That is awesome. So punk was Chris: And you’d say, “I was a punk before name of an Idaho State senator from exposed to you via Canada then? you were a punk.” 1988 to 1992 and 2002 to 2004, all Fat Mike: Yeah. Fat Mike: No, no, they were punks before these years. Nardwuar: So the Subhumans were the me, but we’re still talkin’ a year. Fat Mike: Uh, not really that first punks you ever saw? Chris: Yeah, exactly. amazing. Fat Mike: Unless you count Killing Joke. Fat Mike: It was still 1980. They, my Chris: No. friends saw The Germs, so I was a poser. Nardwuar: Well, there’s a connection Chris: Aw man, I wish I saw The Germs. NoMeansNo and then, well, maybe the rest because Killing Joke did have some live EP Nardwuar: But Fat Mike should really pick is history. What about the other Canadian that was recorded in Toronto, so that’s kind up this book right, Chris Walter? Because classic punk bands, aside from D.O.A? of Canadian. And Killing Joke have been you actually mention the Stretch Marks and Fat Mike: What about some of the newer live on the Nardwuar The Human Serviette there’s pictures of you slamming to the ones? radio show, but I’m kind of mad at you Fat Stretch Marks in the book, right? Nardwuar: That’s what I was wondering. Mike. You released the U.K. Subhumans a Chris: Yeah. The Real Mackenzies. bit later on. Fat Mike: Yeah, well I think we should get Chris: Million Dollar Marxists from Fat Mike: Well, they’re a much better this issue over with right now. Who was the Ottawa. They’re great. band Marcus. best Canadian punk band? Fat Mike: Are they? Chris: Hey, hey! Chris: Personality Crisis. Nardwuar: Don’t mention them to Fat Nardwuar: No there, hey, yeah go get him Fat Mike: That’s exactly right. It’s Mike because they’re signed to GearHead! Chris! Go get him Chris! Go get him! Personality Crisis. Chris: Yeah, they are. Fat Mike: Come on. Fair is fair. The Nardwuar: Now, why was that and what Fat Mike: This may be surprising, but I’m English Subhumans are a much better was your experience with Personality Crisis actually playing bass on the new Real band. Fat Mike? Mackenzies album. Nardwuar: The Canadian Subhumans are Fat Mike: Well, they were awesome and I Chris: Oh yeah? Cool. I heard that they just much better than the U.K. Subhumans. went to go see ‘em in Hollywood but they got a new drummer. The guy from Good Fat Mike: That’s an impossibility. [laughs] weren’t going on for an hour so I went to the Riddance. Nardwuar: Chris, go get him! Chris, alley and drank a forty ounce and got arrest- Fat Mike: That’s true. defend Marcus here. Chris defend Marcus. ed and missed the show. Chris: Wow. That’s good. Chris: I like both bands, actually. I really Chris: Shitty. They were great. Fat Mike: We’re recording their record do. I like both Subhumans. Fat Mike: I know—bummed! right now. Nardwuar: Well, thanks so much Chris. Chris: Yeah. Nardwuar: So Chris, have we missed any- Keep on rockin’ in the free world and doot Nardwuar: And they were from Winnipeg, one else from all-time Canadian punk? doola doot doo... right Chris? Fat Mike: Propagandhi are one of the most Fat Mike: See ya, Chris. CW: Well, half of them were from Calgary, important punk bands ever. Nardwuar: Chris, doot doola doot doo... but then they moved. Those two moved to Nardwuar: What do you think about Chris: Oh shit. Winnipeg. Propagandhi, Chris Walter, having moved Nardwuar: Fat Mike, you’re calling me Fat Mike: Marcus, I thought you knew out of Winnipeg kind of after Propagandhi Marcus, but a lot of people have been call- your shit, dude. [laughs] had got going? ing you Mike Burkett lately. Nardwuar: Also The Neos as well. They’re Chris: Yeah, they got started getting going Fat Mike: Oh yeah. one of your favorites. Did you catch The in the early ‘90s. About the time I left. Nardwuar: What is up with that? In Punk Neos at all Fat Mike? They’re a pretty serious band, pretty serious Planet they called you Mike Burkett. Fat Mike: No, I don’t think they ever came guys, but they seem very sincere and honest Fat Mike: I guess they think it’s outing me down to California. I don’t know if they to me and they seem to live by their beliefs or something? Like I care if people know ever actually played a live show. and stuff. my name? [laughs] Nardwuar: Yes, they did. Of course. They did Fat Mike: They make the curve. Nardwuar: Like in the intro it was “Fat come down to California. Actually, their very Chris: I almost thought they sounded like Mike” Burkett. You think they could have first tour to California was in a station wagon NOFX, strangely enough though, but not had it on a header, but it was just Mike and NoMeansNo was the backup band. without the political lyrics and stuff. Burkett. It made me really angry. Fat Mike: Wow. Fat Mike: Right, they’re a little more metal. Fat Mike: It didn’t make me angry at all. Nardwuar: The Neos and NoMeansNo. Nardwuar: Are they mad at you still Fat Nardwuar: It’s—well I know what it feels And that kind of attracted Jello to Mike? to be called the real name—like Marcus. 16 “We'll be loaded and probably be making a large amount of errors and our clothes match.”

Fat Mike: Yeah. Nardwuar: Have you thought about tryin’ great but it’s hard not to kinda like us. Nardwuar: Fat Mike, what opportunities to play for the troops at all? Nardwuar: Ba-Boom! have arose since Punk Voter? For instance, Fat Mike: Oh, there’s no fuckin’ way I’m Fat Mike: You don’t have to strive for were you not approached by Russell goin’ out there. greatness, Marcus. You just have to try to Simmons to do some sort of “We Are the Nardwuar: But how about for the soldiers have a good time. World” thing? ‘cause they—I’m sure they would enjoy Nardwuar: Just out of curiosity, what Fat Mike: Yeah. something. Isn’t that where it starts? made you think that I was a “Marcus?” Nardwuar: That’s incredible. Russell Grassroots? Fat Mike: That’s what I heard your name Simmons. He’s the Def Jam dude, right? Fat Mike: I wouldn’t mind playing music was. Fat Mike: Yeah, but I declined. for some of the soldiers who are against the Nardwuar: Like, couldn’t you have Nardwuar: I know that’s kind of like an war, who don’t want to be there and are thought I was a “Ted” or something? additional perk and it might be kind of bummed out, but there’s a lot of soldiers Something a bit tougher? embarrassing, but, still, Russell Simmons! who do want to be there and they like shoot- Fat Mike: Well, I didn’t want to make Fat Mike: I don’t even know what he does. ing people and I don’t want to play for them. something up. This guy Tom here told me What was cooler is the other day I was in Nardwuar: I asked you before Fat Mike, your real name was Marcus, so that’s what New York and Jesse Jackson was sitting at a about your band outfits. Like where you got I’m going with. table next to me and I said, “Hi” to him and them, where you got them made, what do Nardwuar: Thanks so much Fat Mike and he knew who I was, so that was pretty cool. you base them on? doot doola doot doo... Nardwuar: Oh that’s amazing! You got to Fat Mike: I told you we got them in Fat Mike: God’s dead. get him to do some spoken word or some- Hawaii! Nardwuar: Um, that might work… thing like that? Nardwuar: I know, but I still think you get Fat Mike: [laughs] Fat Mike: Not really. He’s kind of dull. them from other places because looking at Nardwuar: But just for y’know continuity Nardwuar: Were you thinking, “How did the nice suits and stuff, I’m curious. Do you purposes, can we at least go doot doola doot he know about Fat Mike?” Would it have have a tailor putting it all together? doo... been all the shows you did? Fat Mike: No, we bought our blue tuxes in Fat Mike: Yeah, boop. Fat Mike: Well, I did a lot of press about Koreatown in L.A. Nardwuar: That didn’t quite work actually. Punk Voter as well as Russell Simmons’s Nardwuar: I want to think that you really Fat Mike: It didn’t?! organization and all the grassroots organi- worked hard to get this stuff. Like, where’d Nardwuar: It didn’t quite work. Doot zations that were trying to help the you get the guitars made? doola doot doo... Democrat party. There was a lot of press Fat Mike: Look, we don’t work hard at Fat Mike: Jew Jew. and Jesse Jackson’s in there. Him and his anything and that’s why we’re successful. Nardwuar: That is, I dunno, doot doola Rainbow Coalition, which is kind of a Nardwuar: Wow. I guess Marcus should doot doo... funny name for a Black organization. But, follow that advice. Fat Mike: What are we doing now? he knew who I was. I was very flattered. Fat Mike: [laughs] Nardwuar: We’re just trying to end the Nardwuar: Could you play for the troops if Nardwuar: Fat Mike, anything else you interview I think. you wanted to? Would they allow you to want to add to the people out there at all? Fat Mike: Oh. play for the troops because perhaps you’re Fat Mike: Anything I want to add to them? Nardwuar: Doot doola doot doo... not for the president. Nardwuar: Why should people care about Fat Mike: Doot doo. Fat Mike: They allowed Al Franken and all Me First And The Gimmie Gimmies? he did was make fun of the president when Fat Mike: Well, y’know, Me First And The To hear this interview go to he was out there. Gimmie Gimmies, no one thinks we’re http://www.nardwuar.com 17

Now I'M supposed to get up in arms because a band that no one in their right B mind should've given a LLOOVVEE,, NNOIORRB fucking fuck and a half REV. NORBI about for the last ten? twenty? years is playing at the casino?

SEEMINGLY TEN BILLION THINGS computers routinely dissolved all that i had writ- bilingual road signs? That’s right. Québec. MOøNUMENTALLY MORE PUNK THAN ten every fifteen minutes. Bah! Fie upon the Seulement en Français! And, of course, that’s POINTLESS MUSING ON THE Ottawa Public Library’s computer system! A pox perfectly understandable: I mean, just because MORALITY OF SOCIAL DISTORTION upon it, even! However, i am virtually certain everywhere else in the country [as far as i can PLAYING THE CASINO that Ottawa’s slipshod public internet facilities tell] can stick an “ARRET” under “STOP” and or are meant, by a just and righteous Divine Spirit an “EST” underneath the “EAST” and a “SUD” I DANCED WITH TOMOKO, THE (yeah, that’s right, a “Divine Spirit.” My Great underneath “SOUTH,” why would that mean s Spirit ate dog poop at the end of Pink Flamingos! that Québec is obligated to return the favor? OTTAWA PUBLIC LIBRARY ATE MY COLUMN AND THE RIDDLER’S DEAD, Sorry about yours!), to be some manner of Screw it, man! The national character is at stake! DON’T TELL ME YOUR FUCKING karmic tradeoff to offset the almost indescribable Let’s just have EST and OUEST and SUD and numbers of really, really, really, really, REALLY NORD, so what if there’s tons of English speak- TROUBLES hot girls Ottawa is packed to the metaphorical ers driving down these roads? S.F.O.D., assholes! That’s right! That’s right! I, Rev. Nørb, danced gills with. I mean, Ottawa is so inexplicably Six-lane highway at 100 km an hour and we’ve with Tomoko! THEE Tomoko! The Supersnazz filled to the brim with trim (both Asian trim and got a lane closure up ahead? Hey, the Tomoko! The Tweezers Tomoko! The “Letter to the other kind) that they might as well change the Anglophones will figure it out! Sure, by the time Tomoko” Tomoko! This is not a hoax! Not an name of the place HOT-awa! And they can take they remember that “DROIT” means “right” and imaginary story! Not a tragic misspelling of the the two-letter postal abbreviation for “Ontario” “FERMÉE” means “closed,” they’ll already be surname of right-handed pitcher Brett Tomko! I and preface it with the letters H, A, R, D and a barreling into a construction zone, scattering danced with Tomoko, almost hit a moose, and got hyphen while they’re up! I mean, hokey smokes! unfortunate highway workers like tenpins, or drunk with the Undertones! And, whilst Social Rant! Rave! Pant! Etc.! But, yes, i’m getting ninepins, or whatever the fuck kinda pins they Distortion were playing at Oneida Bingo & ahead of myself. Actually, i don’t really have a have there, but who cares? We got our national Casino, much to the chagrin of... uh... somebody beginning or an end in mind for this column, so pride to think of! [i kind of think i entered the or another, i, Rev. Nørb, was, a pied, in the capi- technically i can’t be ahead, i can only be off on freeway up an exit ramp in Québec. I’m not sure. tal of Canada (that’s the country two spots up a side street or an on-ramp or something (and, All i know is that i had to crank the car around at from Mexico), vainly attempting to write this speaking of on-ramps, and Canada, which we a really funky angle to merge with traffic, and very column from a standing-up position, and [well, i] were, do you know what the only part of they all seemed pretty darn surprised to see me. failing miserably, as the Ottawa public library’s Canada [as far as i can tell] is that doesn’t have Oh well, so long as Québec’s cultural integrity

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. yes to tHE uNDERTONES.... . 20 was maintained, like, who cares?] [further, you HOO HOO HOO!!! The guy becomes drunken- LEARN TO DEAL WITH IT AT SOME POINT IN know what else is funny about Canada and ly indignant. How dare i not condemn Social TIME BEFORE YOU TURN THIRTY. Besides, i Québec? Well, okay, you know how Canada will Distortion for him! After all, HE saw my old don’t think Social Distortion playing under the do things the opposite way they’re done in the band Suburban Mutilation playing at Wally’s big top in the Oneida Bingo & Casino parking lot U.S., just to be different? Like, in America, Spot in 1985! (ooh, you saw my old band’s last is as much an indictment of the band as it is of the Interstates 5 and 95 go up and down, 10-80-90 go show. Thanks for the lifetime of support!) HE band’s fans. I mean, the circus never parks its east and west, right? Odd numbers = north/south; saw my band play at Wally’s Spot in 1985, and wagons where it’s not wanted, ya know? Nobody even numbers = east/west. Well, of course, in now I’M betraying him too, by not enthusiasti- would stick a band out there if they didn’t think Canada, they’ve gotta do it the other way round, cally validating his condemnation of Social the band’s FANS were going to come out there to so 10-80-90 go up and down, 5 & 95 go east and Distortion for him! IS THERE NO JUSTICE IN see them, so, sirrah, i submit that it is YOU, the west {route numbers used for illustration only}. THIS WORLD??? I’m like, look, douche-ass, i FANS of Social Distortion, that have corrupted Mais naturellement, Québec has got to do things haven’t seen you at a show in so long that i don’t our bloodlines, and allowed this taint of (eek!) the opposite way that the rest of Canada does even remember your name anymore—if i even impurity into the scene, by positioning yourself things—so 5 & 95 are back to going up and fuckin’ knew it to begin with—which means that, as A Fanbase Likely To Make The Band’s down, 10-80-90 go est and ouest, just like the when the fifty trillion GREAT bands who played Engagement At The Casino A Profitable One. It States. And, of course, since the U.S. has their Green Bay in the nineties played Green Bay in is YOU who are the ball lickers! YOU who are Interstate route numbers displayed in blue- the nineties, you were likely off trying to figure the schmucks! YOU who are the sellouts, and shield-with-red-top shapes, Canada has to vary out what manner of long sleeve t-shirt coordinat- other pithy epithets! (for the record, the only act from that—lest they be accused of tonguing the ed best with open-toed sandals, and, i’d be will- i’ve ever paid to see under the big top at the monied sphincter of the U.S. Imperialist jugger- ing to wager, over the course of the last decade or Casino was Little Richard. Who sucked. I mean, naut—so they put their route numbers inside the so, the main basis of your “connection” to “the i’m fine with the fact that his bodyguard had to shape of the crown of the British monarchy scene,” such as it is, has been an annual pilgrim- help him up onto his piano; there’s no shame in {nicely done, Canada. We drink deeply of your age to the fuckin’ Warped Tour. And now I’M getting old and brittle. I’m fine with the fact that fierce cultural independence}. But, of course, supposed to get up in arms because a band that no the guy’s continual “SHUT UP!” schtick is akin Québec can’t do what the rest of Canada does, so one in their right mind should’ve given a fucking to something befitting assignment to one of the they put their route numbers in blue shield shapes fuck and a half about for the last ten? fifteen? Sweathogs on Welcome Back, Kotter. What i’m with red tops, a la the United States. Oh, you twenty? years is playing at the casino? Like, NOT fine with is that the guy had TWO BASS crazy kids!]). But, yes. Where was i? Oh, yes, i somehow, in a turn of events most shocking and PLAYERS—one wearing a doo-rag, for cripes was off on vacation, tenting thru Canada, whilst unexpected, Social Distortion are now big sakes—and only played about five or six bona Social Distortion were, apparently, offending douchebags, and we need to rally in opposition to fide Little Richard songs. Everything else was someone, somewhere, by playing at the Casino. their newly heinous ways to keep the purity of token ‘50s nostalgia covers of a non-Little Quote me on this one: “Oh no.” I mean, gosh, the scene intact, else all is lost? Dude, Social Richardly nature. I mean, Fats Domino? Elvis Social Distortion playing at the Casino! Distortion are merely irrelevant: YOU’RE THE Presley? JERRY LEE FRIGGIN’ LEWIS, F’R Whatever shall we do? Whither shall we go from FUCKING DOUCHEBAG, DOUCHEBAG!!! CHRISSAKES??? Cover your shame, mon! [and, here? I was at a bar watching a band (the Groovie I mean, it’s not like this guy is some idealistic further yet, while i, like many, hold Little Richard Ghoulies, quoted earlier), and this guy who i seventeen-year-old kid who just found out there’s to be a full 50% of the binary system of ‘50s vaguely know by face but not at all by name (i no Santa Claus (wait... that was a bad metaphor. Rock prime movers {Chuck Berry being the think he started going to shows around the same I mean, people don’t usually find out that there’s other}, the fact that he, today, sucks, whilst the time as the Rhythm Chicken [i.e., mid-‘80s]) but no Santa Claus until their mid-twenties. But you Comets—pilloried for decades by Standard Rock Look, douche-aass... that i haven’t seen in like ten years (and don’t know what i mean), this guy is in his early-to- Historians for being a bunch of paunchy old really remember liking anyway) comes up to me mid-thirties, and should have come to grips with white squares from the Northeast—thus, by some and will not shut up about the GRAVE BETRAY- the inevitability of this type of shit a decade ago. critical measure, frauds—still RULE live, despite AL of Social Distortion playing at the Casino. I’m I mean, Billy Idol plays at the Casino, so, at one {because of?} an octogenarian lead guitarist, like yeah, boy, you’d expect a band that signed a point in time, i, me, young Rev. Nørb, engaged in suggest that it is LITTLE RICHARD who is the ten-album deal with CBS to play more basement my high-powered after-school job of ripping the fraud, or, at bare minimum, the ball licker]). shows. What hath God wrought? I mean, who the fat and guts and residual feather shafts off of Uh...where was i going with this? Oh, yes, Social fuck cares? When Social Distortion played refrigerated chicken parts, had to come to grips Distortion playing at the Casino. Well, fuck it, i Green Bay the first time (ca. 1990), they would- with the fact that the guy who sang vocals on my danced with Tomoko, which is relevant, because n’t go on stage because the promoter attempted to FAVORITE PUNK ALBUM OF ALL TIME, Billy i danced with her at the selfsame casino that supply them with clean towels from his Mom’s Idol, was now on the little radio that the chicken Social Distortion played at. And, in point of fact, linen closet, and their contract specifically pluckers (as were we known) had stationed atop that is relevant because that is where i’ve seen the required the promoter to supply them with the water heater back by the sinks, singing an Comets (numerous times) at. In point of fact, the BRAND NEW towels—thus an envoy had to be AMAZINGLY LAME and TERRIFYINGLY first time i saw the Comets was at the first sent off to ShopKo™ to procure the necessary POPULAR song called “Hot in the City” that Rockabilly Fest at the casino, and the last time i stock of virgin terrycloth before the band would was, adding insult to injury, a blatant rip off of saw the Comets was at the second Rockabilly deign to grace us with their presence. And, fifteen Nick Gilder’s 1978 wimp-rock #1 hit, “Hot Child Fest there, and the second Rockabilly Fest was years later, they wind up playing in the big tent in the City,” BUT EVEN WORSE (but you know what Tomoko was in town for, and both outside of the Casino. Not to put too fine a point what’s good? “Backstreet Noise,” the b-side of Rockabilly Fests were booked by this guy named on it, but who fuckin’ gives a fuck? How does “Hot in the City.” One could imagine the Fevers, Phil, who is also the guy who booked Social the 1990 dot of the band refusing to go on stage Bobbyteens, or perhaps even the Epoxies totally Distortion in the tent. Now, why that is largely at Kutska’s Hall ‘til they got their new towels not raking with that one [but, for the record, that’s the relevant is because Tomoko, as well as dancing logically and easily connect to the 2005 dot of the only good song Nick Gilder ever recorded] with me, also bought me a beer, which (oh, hor- band playing at the Casino? What is there that is [JUST REALIZED THIS RIGHT NOW DEPT.: rors of horrors!) required me to return a favor, hard to follow about this? What’s out of charac- Both Nick Gilder and Generation X recorded for which is where i found out the highly disturbing ter? Whither the outrage, jack? But, yet, the guy Chrysalis Records. Huh.]). LOOK. THIS TYPE fact that Tomoko drinks Miller Lite™!!! Eek. keeps drunkenly moaning. Three decades of punk OF SHIT HAPPENS. BANDS YOU GREW UP Now, that is relevant because once, within rock maintaining a state of utter purity, and IDOLIZING (er...no pun intended) WILL SUD- Razorcake’s hallowed pages, Rhythm Chicken NOW, in 2005, Social Distortion have suddenly DENLY MANIFEST AMAZING SQUARENESS claimed—correctly—that Miller Lite™ was ruined everything for everyone! BOO HOO AND BECOME INCREDIBLY POPULAR. unfit to even clean a German toilet with. This, of course, is relevant not only because Rhythm brought it on myself: I saw all these “MOOSE then back again. A simple jaunt, in theory— Chicken was mentioned earlier as a guy who, CROSSING” signs, and started to think god unfortunately, i forgot to take into account the local-scene-wise, was a peer, i think, of the dammit, you know, i’m really going to be disap- fact that the squiggliness of the lines was due to douchebag who was moaning endlessly about pointed if i don’t see a moose now. Of course, i the fact that SOME JACKASS PUT A BUNCH Social Distortion playing at the casino, but would just as soon see it in a retreating posture, OF FREAK-ASS MOUNTAINS IN THE WAY. because, during the Toronto leg of my just-con- returning to the woods, but i suppose i’ll take So, yeah. Here i am, like any budding brain sur- cluded Canadian vacation, i stumbled out of the what i can get. Not surprisingly, about ten min- geon, driving in pitch darkness and fog and mist Rogers Centre (after witnessing the Toronto Blue utes later, here’s this fucking moose—kind of and eighteen other fucking negative conditions Jays dispatch the despised Minnesota Twins 4- like a horse, but about 33% bigger—galloping thru the ludicrously jacknifing back roads of 0), only to be greeted by the shockingly unmis- out of the woods at me. Now, if you’re familiar Vermont—THEE motherfucking CREEPIEST takable sounds of some loose cannon playing with the street-crossing patterns of deer, you are STATE IN THE UNION, BAR NONE. drums al fresco. There i am, making my way aware of the fact that—unpredictable pauses Vermont is so fucking fucked up and spooky from the premises in the midst of a throng of dis- notwithstanding—they cross roads in a perfectly looking at night that one expects to see a ginger- persing Canucks, and i hear THUDDA WAPPA bread house with a smiling and drooling Steven THUDDA WAPPA THUDDA WAPPA THUD! King sitting on the front porch and a mounted THUD! THUD! THUDDA WAPPA THUD Nazgul guy clopping up the driveway around THUD! THUDDA WAPPA THUD THUD every corner. This horror of impending creepi- THUD!!! I can’t tell exactly where the noise is tude is broken only by the sudden rush of truck- coming from, but i can tell that it is someone ers—presumably Nazgul as well, and outfitted playing drums in the open air, outside the stadi- with grotesquely adorned black mesh trucker um. Oh my fucking gawd. It CAN’T be! The caps—blasting over hills, hell-bent for leather, drumbeats continue. THUDDA WAPPA THUD- going about 200 mph on crazy roads no sane DA WAPPA THUDDA WAPPA THUD! THUD! soul would feel comfortable doing thirty-five on. THUD! They play a recognizable beat for about When i looked at the atlas before commencing ten or twenty seconds, stop, spend a few seconds this particular leg of the journey, i estimated that pissing around with some faux-stadium fills, traveling from Vermont to Maine would take me then lunge back into a completely different about one hour, round trip. It actually took more drumbeat. My god. It HAS to be. In a ten-gazil- like three or four, every fucking second white- lion-to-one coincidence, my brief jaunt to knuckled and horrible. In New Hampshire, i dis- Toronto for a Blue Jays game has coincided with covered the pleasures of Dixville Notch (“1.5 a Rhythm Chicken tour stop. It HAS to be. I start miles of steep and winding road”—now there’s running around the exterior of the Rogers the fucking understatement of the century), as Centre, looking for the Rhythm Chicken. This is well as the added sensual dimensions that a gonna be the best thing EVER! I figure i will just moose attack can bring to one’s love life. Narrow come running out of the crowd and tackle him, roads, high cliffs, zero visibility. What’s not to which will shock both the crowd and the like? At long last, i pass Lake Umbagog or Lake Chicken himself—then we can roll around, feign Uggamabob or Lake Umgubmagob or some combat, and stoke the crowd to a fever pitch (no other hideous, nameless thing that was likely Red Sox movie pun intended). Surely this will be hideous and nameless and ancient when our the jest of all jests! I round the corner, and find world was young, and, in the midst of an other- the source of the mysterious ruckus. Shockingly, wise distinguished woods, i come upon a small, it is NOT the Rhythm Chicken. Planet Earth, blue road sign reading “MAINE STATE LINE.” please be seated—i have some rather, uh, intense I pull my car just short of the sign, and, barefoot, news you’d best not absorb whilst standing: In not implicated exit my vehicle. If this were i cartoon, i would the parallel universe that is Canada, there exists in pull quotes now suddenly get flattened by a speeding A SECOND RHYTHM CHICKEN. AND HE IS express train that would appear out of nowhere, BLACK. Let that tidbit sink in for a while. Roll it literally inches from my goal. Instead, i step around on the back of thy tongue, ‘til the flavor straight line. They walk from one curb to anoth- across the imaginary line separating NH from dissolves fully: THERE IS A BLACK RHYTHM er as if following a crosswalk visible only to ME, and do a little tap dance to the line “Hello, CHICKEN. AND HE LIVES IN CANADA. I woodland creatures. Moose follow no such laws my honey, hello my sweetie” from that song that mean, no, the guy didn’t have a majestic chicken of transit. They start at one side of the road, then Michigan J. Frog sings in Warner Brothers’ head, as is traditionally found upon domestic bolt at a 45-degree angle DIRECTLY AT YOUR renowned “One Froggy Evening” cartoon, and Rhythm Chickens. And, when the Black Rhythm CAR. They are also very large. Very, very large. get back in my car. After a second’s pause, i Chicken (“BRC” to you and me [alternately the Please take me at my word for this: Near-moose decide that this is roundly unsatisfying, so i get “Soul Chicken”]) paused in his mighty arena encounters can be effectively qualified as “some- back out and tap dance to the next line—”Hello rock ruckus, he didn’t point his Rhythm Logs thing other than pleasant.” Of course, i didn’t my ragtime gaaaal!”—then get back in my car skyward—instead, he would stand upright, actually encounter the moose in Canada. I for keeps, and head back for my tent in Ontario. holler some incomprehensible shit (presumably encountered it in New Hampshire. This is rele- And why this is relevant is because, when Boris about the Blue Jays), then retake his seat and vant because i was on my way to Maine. That is played in New Hampshire, we played with the resume dispensing ruckus in the time honored relevant because i decided to celebrate the ten- Riverdales and Mr. T Experience, and stayed at fashion of the North American Rhythm Chickens year anniversary of the Boris The Sprinkler/Mr. Joe Queer’s house—and the Queers and Union. And why is this relevant? This is relevant T Experience/Riverdales Summer 1995 Tour by Riverdales and Mr. T Experience were all on because i don’t know what i am officially sup- driving from Montréal to Maine, because, during Lookout!, as were the Smugglers, who were posed to call Canadian black people. African that tour, i was across a not-large river from from Canada, which was where i was vacation- North Americans? Afro-Canadians? However, i Maine and failed to realize it, therefore never ing, and Tomoko recognized me from my once do know that Canadian Native Americans are actually went into Maine, therefore had never judging a Smugglers’ Dance Contest™. And this called “First Nation” (perhaps, “First technically been to Maine, thus i felt compelled is relevant because Kid Spike saw me too, and, Nationals?” Was Mike Nesmith aware of this?), to rectify that whilst in the neighborhood. That according to Tomoko, Supersnazz vocalist Kid although i’d cast my ballot for “Canindians” if i was a bad idea. A bad, bad idea. See, i had also Spike “loves” me. ME! ME! ME REV. NØRB! were allowed to vote, which i am not. And this is never been to Vermont before either—thus, i KID SPIKE LOVES ME! Kid Spike is also the relevant because all Canadians—First Nationals, thought, i would dip back down from Québec to same age as me (said age now approaching Second Nationals, and zee Quebecois—use a the US just deeply enough to follow the little “none of your god damn business” proportions)! quarter with a moose on the b-side, and i almost squiggly lines on the map into Vermont, across I, very conveniently, also love Kid Spike. I hit a fucking moose during my trip. Naturally, i New Hampshire, and over the Maine border, almost mention to Tomoko that i had Kid Spike 22 rated Top Ten in my “Top 50 Hottest Chicks of who, as we passed the exit for Nodine, MN, sang Lennon is facing off the album cover (THEO- Rock” column, but quickly and wisely decide “Nodine... aw honey is that you?” to the tune of RETICAL HIGH TRUTH OF GRAPHIC not to mention this, given the fact that Tomoko Chuck Berry’s “Nadine,” which i thought was DESIGN: No one should ever be facing off a not being rated as highly as Kid Spike would excellent work on his part), and the Bobbettes page. Everyone should be depicted facing into almost certainly result in widespread character wore—you guessed it—red dresses (please see the center of the page. It’s, like, a rule. You now assassination flung my way (i mean, putting up the latest edition of the “Norton News” email owe me one quarter’s tuition), and, besides, with a lifetime of Dirt Bike Jeanie trying to put newsletter if you demand to have my claims of although everyone should be pictured on the her metaphorical foot up my metaphorical ass the Bobbettes’ greatness that night corroborat- front of their album cover, NO ONE should be for ranking her a comparatively paltry #41 is ed). I dunno about you, but i could stand around depicted on their band’s t-shirts. And, of course, more than enough negative fallout for one dwee- listening to, what, sixty-year-old black ladies in the PACK logo is that cool magenta scrawl, bly scribe, thanks [but, come on, how high did red dresses singing four-part vocal harmonies which looks pretty damn sweet across a black Blender rank ya, woman? Besides, that was Wes and doing goofy little synchronized dance background. And, of course, the Busy Signals Unseld’s number! Actually, Wes Unseld was a movements for... well... a darn long time, were pretty cool when they opened for the fat tub of crap. But it is Dirk Nowitski’s number! frankly. And how this is relevant is an enigma. Undertones, and played a cover of Protex’s So, i mean, come on! A little gratitude here!]) And how that is relevant is that the Riddler’s real “Don’t Ring Me Up,” which was relevant However, Kid Spike is also married now, which name was “Edward Nigma” (actually, i think because that Protex 45 was on the same label,

LOOK. THIS TYPE OF SHIT HAPPENS. BANDS YOU GREW UP IDOLIZING WILL SUDDENLY MANIFEST AMAZING SQUARENESS AND BECOME INCREDIBLY POPULAR. LEARN TO DEAL WITH IT AT SOME POINT IN TIME BEFORE YOU TURN THIRTY.

tends to throw a damper on my wild ardor. But, they later made up some cockamamie story Good Vibrations, as the Undertones first record i mean, still—it’s the principle of the thing. Kid where “Edward Nigma” turned out not to be the was (and, of course, both “Busy Signals” and Spike and me, sittin’ in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G! Riddler’s real name. Needless to say, fuck that), “Don’t Ring Me Up” imply telephones, which is “Spike will have her antennae out now,” says and Frank Gorshin, THE ONE, TRUE RID- kinda funny because no one really gets busy sig- Tomoko, “she will know I am having fun with DLER (apart from myself), is DEAD! I mean, nals any more, because people either have call Nørb.” The fact that Tomoko actually knows the the Joker is obviously the best Batman villain waiting, or voicemail, or some goddamn thing, English word for “antennae” is almost as brain- (actually, probably the best comic book villain but, yet, in punkdom, the busy signal is now at boggling as the fact that Kid Spike digs me! And ever), but the Riddler was always my favorite, its highest popularity [e.g. both Boris The this is relevant because i really dig antennae! just because he had a cool green and purple suit Sprinkler and the Exploding Hearts having And that is relevant because the word “anten- covered in question marks. And Gorshin, of songs called “Busy Signals,” the band called nae” was uttered at the Rockabilly Fest, which course, was thee Riddler. The Riddler against Busy Signals, etc., etc., etc.]), not to mention the was at the casino, which was where Social whom all other Riddlers shall be judged! He cer- fact that the singer of the Busy Signals is Distortion were playing, which is what i didn’t tainly kicked ass on Jim Carrey’s toadying retard WAAAAY hotter than Mickey Bradley, so, i go see because i was on vacation to Canada, Riddler in the third Batman movie, and, as for mean, heck, a tough call, right? And, how this is which is where they have a red maple leaf on John Astin’s embarrassing shot at Riddlerism... relevant is that I COULD VERY LITERALLY their flag, which is relevant because the best well... let’s let the fact that Astin’s performance GO ON ALL FUCKING NIGHT RAT- album i’ve heard in a while is that A-Lines as The Riddler was so bad it actually drew TLING OFF VAGUELY INTERCONNECT- album on Sympathy (but can somebody Gorshin out of retirement stand as testament to ED OBSERVATIONS INVOLVING THE PLEASE get me the lyrics to “Four”? What the his attempt’s general lack of worth. I can only UNDERTONES AND THE BUSY SIGNALS hell are they saying? “If I get four more hope that the guy from the “Let This Be Your AND THE BLACK RHYTHM CHICKEN boyfriends I’ll get it done?” What the fuck does Last Battlefield” episode of Star Trek who was AND THE WHITE RHYTHM CHICKEN THAT mean? And can i watch? Lick the bowl? half-white and half-black in stark opposition to AND SUPERSNAZZ AND THE BOB- Etc.?), and, on the cover, all the A-Lines are Gorshin’s half-black and half-white character BETTES AND THE COMETS AND THE depicted wearing red dresses, the same color as died at the exact same time as Frank, in order AND THE BEATLES AND THE PACK the maple leaf on Canada’s flag, which is rele- that the grand cosmic balance be maintained. AND THE GROOVIE GHOULIES AND vant because the best act at the second And how this is relevant is, well, perhaps, if i BORIS AND THE RIVERDALES AND THE Rockabilly Fest, the one i danced with Tomoko were Frank Gorshin, as Tim Stegall claims i am, MTX AND THE QUEERS AND MY TRIP at, was the Bobbettes, best known for their 1957 and, by implication, the Riddler as well, then i TO CANADA AND FRANK GORSHIN smasheroo “Mr. Lee” (you know... “one, two, would almost certainly say Riddle me this: AND THE A-LINES AND PROTEX AND three... look at Mr. Lee! Three, four five... look What’s more punk, Mickey Bradley of the THE SMUGGLERS and as fucking stupid and at him jive!”), which is relevant not only because Undertones’Beatles Let It Be t-shirt, or the lead pointless as they might be, they would all be “Mr. Lee” was a favorite in-van Boris pun when singer of The Busy Signals’ home-made PACK inherently more worthy of scholarly contempla- we passed Albert Lea, Minnesota (i mean... if button? And, of course, this would lead to great tion than the perceived sins of Social Distortion, you’ve ever been in a band and traveled togeth- speculation: I’ve been listening to the a band who, to me, can do no sin because i could er in a van for an extended period of time, you Undertones since i was fifteen (in point of fact, not possibly care less about them. That said, if realize that you will go thru certain periods as i told the band after their performance at the Inner Gorshin in you is just dying to know where the band will be bored off their ass, look- Chicago’s Bottom Lounge, their first album is what's punker, Mickey Bradley's Let It Be t-shirt ing out the windows, attempting to create the the album i most closely associate with being fif- or the singer for the Busy Signals' "PACK" but- best/worst rock’n’roll pun from that which pre- teen) (and let’s thank fucking Jah above that i’m ton, the singer for the Busy Signals had a sents itself to them as a sort of geekly competi- old enough that the album i associate most boyfriend, so it's Mickey Bradley's Beatles t- tion. On Boris’ West Coast Tour of 1997, my acutely with being fifteen isn’t by Fifteen!), but shirt all the way! magnum opus was “One, Two, Three... look at that PACK album is a lot cooler than the Beatles Albert Lea” as we passed the Albert Lea exit, Let It Be album, and the Let It Be album cover Løve, which was deftly countered by bassist Ric Six, isn’t even particularly well-designed, since John Nørb

23 “I guess I’m KKIINNDD OOFF AA SSEEWWEERR gonna go look for JOSH LANE some sticks to poke people with.” We Ate Sand. I felt somebody’s foot nudging my ribs, try- few moments where we looked at the ground Once we got in the van, I took stock of who ing to wake me up, but I wasn’t giving in just and thought about our next course of action. else was coming. There was Tommy, Jay, Jay’s yet. It was one of those mornings where you After a few minutes, we both stood up and Jay roommate Eric, Bill the all-time driver, and just don’t want to open your eyes, not because said, “First I’m gonna put on a pot of coffee, Heather, the lone female in our caravan out to you were too hung over or didn’t want face the and then I guess I’m gonna go look for some California and the only other person who had- indiscretions of the previous night, but sticks to poke people with.” n’t felt the need to watch Time Bandits twice in because you just didn’t want to admit to your- The next several hours were a frustrating a row. “So wait a minute. How many went with Iself that you, in fact, really did sleep next to Matt to get burritos?” search for pants, socks, wallets, and anything that puddle of dog vomit, that that smell was else a person could possible lose during Time Jay shook his head. “Too damn many.” indeed an ashtray that someone had inadver- Bandits-inspired war whoops and wrestling “What’s wrong with people?” Tommy tently knocked over while you were asleep. matches. Several of us, myself included, had asked. “It’s like just eating a bowl of vanilla During those first few moments before full trouble getting both shoes on before we need- whenever you want some ice cream. There’s consciousness, you can convince yourself that ed a smoke break. Soon the front yard was nothing wrong with it, vanilla ice cream’s you’re at home in your cozy bed and you can full of people in various stages of undress, good, and hell, you can’t go wrong with ice get up to go to the bathroom whenever you slowly piecing together what had just hap- cream.” want without stepping in anything, and no pened and coming to terms with the fact they “That’s not entirely true,” Eric said. “I’m promise of coffee or breakfast or warm sun- would never see that sock or retainer or not a fan of butterscotch ice cream. Never light can pry that away from you. shoelace ever again. have been.” Still, I could sense the person’s restlessness, With his second cup of coffee, Tommy, “Let’s not get into semantics. What I’m say- and no matter how tempting ignorance can be surely the voice of reason among us, snapped ing is vanilla ice cream is fine, but every once sometimes, I didn’t want to spend part of a out of it. “Buffet,” he yelled, slapping his in a while wouldn’t you like some marshmal- vacation hoping I don’t accidentally inhale thigh for added affect. lows or some cookies on that shit? Wouldn’t one of the many cigarette butts spread out next This, however, was not a rare occurrence you like to try one of the other thirty flavors?” to my face. with Tommy and no one paid any attention “Are we going to get ice cream or chicken?” Mindful of the various spills near where I except me. “What?” Bill asked. had slept, I crawled out of my sleeping bag “Jay was talking about a fried chicken buf- “Chicken,” Tommy said. “The ice cream’s and looked at Jay, the person who had poked fet last night and I want to go there,” he said, just a metaphor.” me in the rib, and asked, “Where’s everybody and then, just to reiterate, “Buffet!” “Oh,” Bill said. “Can we get ice cream else, Jay?” Jay looked doubtful. “People have been later?” He gave a drowsy shrug and said, “They’re making noise about a burrito run. I don’t Tommy was getting a little flustered. all still asleep.” know how easily they’re gonna be swayed “Whatever, you’re getting me off track here. I scanned the room for my travel compan- from that.” Listen, I love burritos as much as the next guy, ions and found them all with bedding condi- Tommy’s face wrinkled up like it always did probably a whole fucking lot more than the tions similar to mine. “Jeez. It looks like when he got mad. “You know what? Fuck bur- next guy. I might as well change my name to everybody just slept where they fell,” I said. ritos.” He repeated himself loudly to get every- Joe Burrito I love ‘em so much, but you have “Yeah, we gotta get out of here,” Jay body’s attention. “That’s all we ever eat. We to draw the line somewhere. Remember New replied. “I’m starving.” ate burritos all through Texas, we ate burritos Orleans?” We remembered. “Who looks for a I agreed, as I wasn’t too jazzed on sitting when we went across the border, we ate burri- burrito stand in New Orleans? Surrounded by in Jay’s living room, which smelled about as tos when we got back, and we ate fucking bur- cheap Cajun food and the motherfucker wants pleasant as one might expect from such sur- ritos last night before we went to Jay’s house. Taco Bell.” roundings. “How hard do you think it’s We’re finally in a town where we can kick back Realizing that Tommy’s rants could and going to be to get all these fuckers up and out and eat a fucking meal and you guys want the often did go on all day, Heather wisely inter- of here?” same fast food shit we’ve been eating all week. rupted. “So Jay, what’s the deal with this Jay shrugged again. “Last night got pretty Hey, I’ve got a better idea! Why don’t we just chicken buffet?” out of hand.” eat some ramen like we do when we’re at “Yeah, is it Popeye’s?” Bill asked. Snippets of the previous night flashed home?” “Popeye’s doesn’t have buffets,” Heather through my head. I had finally retired at about “But burritos are delicious,” offered Matt, said. 4AM during the second viewing of Time who didn’t know Tommy well enough to “They do, too, they’re just uncommon,” Bill Bandits and vaguely recalled war whoops and know that there would be no disputing his retorted. “I think it’s only like one in ten drunken wrestling match proposals while I logic. Popeye’s franchises has a buffet and the rest was asleep. I glanced around the room again Tommy just shook his head and said, “Fuck are just take-out places.” and asked, “How many of them are even wear- your burrito, Matt. Fuck your burrito,” as he lit “Yeah, I’ve been to one,” I said. “They ing pants?” a smoke and walked back into the house, like don’t put out fries…” This didn’t elicit a shrug from Jay. This he the Lorax, finally losing faith in the ways of “But if you ask for ‘em, they’ll make ‘em knew. “Not too damn many.” the people around him. I followed him. fresh and give you your own basket!” Bill “So we’re probably looking at a late lunch “Wait,” I said, “I want fried chicken, too.” interjected. Bill didn’t get excited about a instead of breakfast, huh?” With a serious, workmanlike look on his many things, but french fries really did the Jay nodded his response and there were a face, he nodded and said, “Let’s do this.” trick. We laughed in the faces of these Philistines, unbuckling our belts and high-fiving each other enthusiastically all the way.

illustration by Mitch Clem • www.nothingnice.com “Nah, it’s not a Popeye’s,” Jay said, bring- grease-off-your-fingers food. Why can’t peo- hour this morning looking for your shoelace ing the conversation back to earth. “It’s like a ple go home and change clothes before they go even though we could have walked down to Homestyle Buffet, but it’s mostly just chicken eat? They’re obviously not in a hurry since a damn drugstore and bought another pair of and vegetables.” they had time to take the Oldsmobile through shoelaces for a quarter.” “No salad bar or dessert bar?” the automated car wash. Why not swing by the This made Tommy stop and think for a “That stuff’s pretty bare-bones,” Jay said. house and throw on an old T-shirt and some minute. He scratched his chin and said, “No. “It’s a pretty white-bread restaurant. It’s the sweatpants?” You know what? I’m staying. I’m gonna pay best chicken I’ve ever eaten, though. A bit “Well, they probably don’t want to look like that thirteen bucks for the buffet just like pricey, but it’s worth it.” us,” Jay said. “Are we going to sit in the van everybody else here. And you know what Bill scoffed. “Popeye’s is like six bucks. Is all day and talk shit about these squares or are else? I’m gonna get my money’s worth.” this place better than Popeye’s?” we going to eat?” I, along with probably everybody else at Jay laughed. “Dude, this makes Popeye’s the table, sensed another rant, Tommy’s taste like warmed-over Chicken McNuggets.” As soon as he looked at the menu, Tommy fourth in the little bit less than three hours got the same wrinkled-up look on his face that that he had been awake. “Let’s not to turn We pulled into the parking lot and con- he got when someone suggested burritos. this into some class war thing, Tommy, let’s firmed Jay’s assessment: it was a pretty white- “Thirteen bucks?” just eat some food,” Heather said. bread restaurant. Families piled in and out of Jay nodded. “I told you that on the way “Fuck class war,” he said, shaking his sensible cars, seemingly straight from church. here. It’s a bit pricey but it’s worth it. That’s head. “This isn’t about bourgies or the ruling It was odd to see so many people wearing such exactly what I said.” class or the government or anything like meticulously nice clothes going to a restaurant “Yeah, but I thought you meant, like, eight that. Look around. This place is packed, that specialized in such messy food. Tommy bucks pricey. I thought we were talking about packed to the fucking brim, with nice, polite, was the first to bring up this point. ‘more expensive than a hamburger but people starched-collar people that bring their kids “I know it’s not like they’re going to a rib like us can still afford to eat here’ pricey,” and grannies and whoever else out to lunch shack or anything, but jeez, fried chicken… Tommy said. on Sundays and they plunk down thirteen you have to eat it with your hands if you want This got the same shrug from Jay that I had bucks a head without even thinking twice. to get all the meat off it. Otherwise it’s not gotten when I first woke up. “Well, you’re the How many of them even eat five dollars’ worth it,” he said. one that wanted fried chicken. Fried chicken’s worth of food? They get a nice little salad Bill, nodding in agreement, said, “And these not cheap.” Bill once again pointed out that and scarf down some complimentary bread are the people that probably beat their kids for Popeye’s was like six bucks but Jay ignored and butter, then they pick at a thigh with having bad table manners.” him. “If you want to go somewhere else, we’ll their forks and announce that they’re stuffed. “Exactly. Fried chicken is totally a roll-up- go somewhere else, but if I don’t get some- This place is making fucking bank, and none your-sleeves, elbows-on-the-table, lick-the- thing to eat in the next fifteen minutes, I’m of these people realize that they’re getting going to be really pissed off. I already spent an ripped off.” 25 “And that’s not class-related?” I said. slow down and push himself back from the knew that closing time was fast approaching. “Oh, I’m sure it’s got something to do with table a bit. “I never thought I’d say this, “That’s cool,” Tommy said. “They can take off class,” he said. “I’m sure it’s not an accident Tommy, but I should have listened to your whenever they want. I’ll help ‘em open this that this place was built in the middle of a sub- advice,” he said. “I’m running out of gas.” motherfucker tomorrow morning.” But in real- urban housing tract, miles away from any Tommy set his half-devoured chicken breast ity, we all knew it would have to end soon. We ‘undesirable’ minorities, but that’s not what down, wiped his mouth, and cleared his throat, had all worked shitty restaurant jobs and we all I’m talking about. This buffet… I’m taking it while Eric braced himself for a tongue-lashing. knew how annoying it was to have customers back. For everybody that’s ever stayed away “You had a good run, Eric. Let me just ask you hanging out while you were just trying to clean from here because it was too expensive and for one question: was it worth thirteen dollars?” up and get the hell out of there. everybody that’s too stupid to see their own Eric’s smile was the only response necessary. After ten minutes or so, one of the busboys wastefulness, I’m gonna get my money’s worth “Here’s the keys,” Bill said, “in case maybe walked over to our table, which was by that even if I have to go outside and make myself you want to go somewhere for a while.” time the only one in the restaurant that didn’t throw up to do it.” Eric took the keys and said, “Nah, I think have its chairs stacked on top of it. “Listen, At that moment, I realized that one of I’m just gonna take a nap. That took a lot out of could you guys finish it up here? We’d really Tommy’s rants was actually making sense to me,” and he began the deliberate, labored walk like to go home soon.” me. It sort of confused me at first, because I out to the van. “Sign says ‘All You Can Eat.’We’re still eat- couldn’t believe that I agreed with him, but as Soon after, Heather decided to make the same ing,” Jay said. I looked around the table, I realized that every- trip. “There’s really only so much enjoyment I The busboy sighed. “I know what the sign one else at the table agreed with him. And thus can get out of this,” she said. “There’s a point says. The guys in the kitchen said they’d cook the gauntlet was thrown. There would be no where I can’t even taste the food anymore.” you whatever you want to take with you, but chicken tender baskets or hot wing samplers “I understand,” said Tommy. “It stops being you have to promise to leave.” for us that day; no, the thirteen-dollar fried fun and it starts being… I don’t know, exercise Jay was about to take him up on that offer, chicken buffet would be the only way we or something. You gave it a gallant effort, but Tommy stopped him. “I think we’re just would be able to look Tommy in the face with- though, Heather. I’m proud to know you.” about done here, thanks. The service was out turning away in shame. excellent, by the way,” he said. The busboy The staff had no idea what they were in for. It was at this point that we had pretty much rolled his eyes. worn out our welcome, but this would only We settled the check and walked out the I had never eaten at a buffet with any of my have posed a problem to the weakest of men. front door, sort of half-leaning on each other five companions, but it’s important to note that When they stopped picking up our dirty plates, for support, bellies swollen but heads held exactly half of our dining party (Jay, Bill, and we set them on the floor. When they stopped high, when all of a sudden Tommy grabbed Tommy) were pretty beefy guys who looked refilling our water glasses, we refilled them in onto my shoulder and puked in the shrubs. We like they practically lived by the mantra of “All the bathroom sink. When a man at a neighbor- all looked at each other and laughed. You Can Eat” and might have even developed ing table remarked, “Looks like you guys are He finally made good on his threat. strategies for times like these. The other half of starting to take root,” Jay responded with, us were of pretty average build but with decep- “Dawson’s Creek called. They want their –Josh Lane tively large appetites; I had seen Eric and sweater vest back,” which would have pissed Heather wolf down enough burritos over the the guy off if it hadn’t been muffled by a past week to know that they could put a dent in mouthful of food. We laughed in the faces of this place. these Philistines, When we all sat back down after our first unbuckling our belts round at the Sneezeguard, Tommy began to and high-fiving each chastise Eric for foolishly piling too much on other enthusiastically his plate. “You never sprint at the beginning of all the way. a marathon,” he said, like some fat Midwestern Suddenly Tommy Confucius, “and you never pile your first plate dropped his chicken high with food.” and stood up. Eric laughed it off. “What the hell do “Gentlemen, I think you know about marathons? Did you see I’m finished eating one on TV?” my lunch.” “I’m not joking,” Tommy said. “This is seri- We were stunned. ous business. You have to get into a rhythm, He had been so steady, pace yourself.” such a beacon of “Otherwise the terrorists win, Eric,” Heather inspiration for the rest said. “Do you want the terrorists to win?” of us just when we Tommy shook his head disapprovingly. “Joke thought we couldn’t all you guys want, you’ll be holding your bellies eat another bite. “No, and begging for mercy after two plates.” dude, no. You can’t Eric started to respond but Tommy said, throw in the towel “Talking time’s over. Let’s go to town.” And so now, not when we’ve it began. come this far,” Bill We started off slowly, sampling the selection said, tugging on of vegetables, dipping our toes in their culinary Tommy’s shirt. lake. From then on, it was not-fucking-around “No, lunch is over taken to the highest level: plate after plate of for me,” he replied, drumsticks dipped in mashed potatoes, fresh then he smiled wide. biscuits soaking in gravy, butter on everything. “When I get back from The staff was completely unprepared for such the bathroom, I’m an onslaught, and had to send two waitresses to gonna start on dinner.” clear off all of our dirty plates and refill our water glasses. The first hour and a half was a Around 8:30, the frenzy the likes of which I have never seen dirty looks that we equaled, before or since. We practically drank had been getting since the chicken off the bone, and we could hear the about two in the after- kitchen staff cursing us for coming in that day. noon turned down- But then the roof caved in. Eric began to right hostile, and we If political humor is the E MMYY HHOORRNN motivation for comics, SSQQUUEEEEZZE this paper has hog tied it GARY HORNBERGER and won the blue ribbon at the state fair.

Nine Innings of VerbalNext onAssault the list are the nuts at Dodger Photo Day, or as my friend Ricky likes to call it, Dodger Petting Zoo Day, because there is a three foot high plastic fence and a line of string to keep us creepy folks away from the players as they walk down one of three aisles made in the outfield. It is sort of like Dawn of the Dead except that the fans were not chanti- ng “BRAINS!” as they were pawing at the players. Okay, I did high-five Brad Penny, but I did not scare Izturus like one guy did by screaming at him that he was the best, great, better than Jeter, over and over. Once again, I avoided eye contact. At the same event, as the crowd begins to exit the field, a camera crew came over to where we were standing and asked a few questions to the woman next to us, but when she was told that she would be on television, she declined to answer. In moved the crazy Dodger fan, and the man holding the mike asked, “What does Dodger blue mean to you?” This opened the floodgates. The response was much like that of a first grader’s paragraph on why he likes sharks or some- thing. Dodger blue meant to him that he bleeds Dodger blue, like this one time when he was in jail and this guy shanked him, he Baseball season has begun, and besides pared to be tarred and feathered with peanuts bled Dodger blue. Notice that I didn’t use being just a game, the sport is a study in and soda, and if they do let you find a seat, it quotes, but it did sound something like that human behavior and a total lack of social will be a verbal assault for nine innings. Of and I decided that it would be best if I left. It graces. I have been to several games and every course, don’t restrict the peanut throwing to has been so bad this season that the Dodger one has been amazing. Far more “boo”s for just the men; the woman and children are fully organization tried to get the L.A.P.D. to work petty crimes than the majors. I’ve only been to encouraged to join in. It seems the fans willing security the games and they declined, so the Dodger games, so this might be biased, but can to resist only if you are really old. powers that be came up with rules of conduct it be that one stadium houses all the lunatics? I Back to opening day. Once the game has that were handed out, announced, and posted find that hard to believe. This sort of crazy begun and the catcalls for the opposing lineup at the ball park. That seems to have done little goes beyond painting faces, no shirts in freez- are over, the real fun starts. We are all familiar good. B So what have I learned from all of this? I’m ing weather, or wearing silly costumes. No, with the beach ball at sporting events, but now this is the sort of embarrassment that gets one the fans are getting creative. It seems that one not sure. There is something about Dodger banned from ballparks. can make an inflatable facsimile of a Balco stadium that I like, maybe because that’s It started with opening day. As we rolled up steroid bottle and tap it around in the stands. I where I went when I was a kid, though I will to pay for parking, we noticed that some nut wonder if they will do the same for Giambi say that I wasn’t always a fan of the team. I has made his $40,000 car into an anti-Giants when he comes to town? tend to follow players rather than teams. What billboard complete with a huge Dodger flag As mild as these events are, let me now is it that sets people off about sports? I can’t flying high above the trunk. Funny, right? describe some of the colorful characters that believe that these people act the same at their Well, it gets better. Not twenty seconds later, have shared the sections in which we have sat jobs or at family functions, so what is the we pull up next to a car with an inflatable doll this season. First is the obsessed beach ball allure of acting like a jackass at a sporting in the likeness of Barry Bonds wearing an “I’m fan. This guy wants one worse than my dog event, what snaps in some heads that says, a Cheater” shirt poking out the sunroof. Now I wants a tennis ball. He was sitting in front of “I’ll take a ride on the convict bus?” I don’t realize that this is funny to a Dodger fan, but us, high in the outfield seats, when all of the know, but I will keep entertaining myself by what does that look like to someone driving sudden he spotted a beach ball. He leapt to his watching two games for the price of one tick- down the 5 or the 101 freeways? More fun is feet and yelled, “BEACH BALL!” for the et. I don’t know why the fans have to be this waiting inside. whole park to hear, and the whole while, his way. Hell, even today while pulling out of a If one does decide to wear the opponents’ entire body was shaking like a wet dog. I tried fast food drive-through window, I was polite colors inside the stadium, they had best be pre- not to make eye contact with him. and let the man pushing an ice cream cart go

28 in front of me. He was wearing a Giants hat that I often frequent and there on a corner is a at Frank & Sons. (632 1/2 Micheltorena, LA, and I was wearing my Dodgers hat. Can’t we guy selling these indie comics. I haven’t seen CA 90026, zurikrobot.com) all just get along? an indie comic at this show for three years. So I buy two titles, three comics in total, and TOWN O CRAZIES Vol. 3, Issue 1 COMIC PRESS NEWS they turn out to be really cool. 30 Days is Short stories by various writers April 2005 great. Literally, this girl lists things that piss The bizarre art of Town O Crazies put to story is Free if you’re in Sacramento her off for thirty days. I can’t believe how a must read. The previous issues of Town O So there I am in Sacramento, waiting for my wife many things we have in common and I hope Crazies have just been artwork from what I can to get out of her meeting, and I drive past this there are others like us, because she hits the remember, but having stories behind them cool indie record store. I think, “After I pick her truth way too often. Not much in the way of makes it so much creepier. If these shorts were up, we’ll go check it out.” It was a way cool store art, but the way she writes about experiences a movie, it would be like letting Tim Burton and mixed in with the flyers at the front door is can create a mental picture rapidly. She does remake Creepshow. The best story is “Jed’s this cool newspaper. The cover states, “Editorial also lists a few loves, just enough to let you Apple Tree” by Jerome Opena. It’s a brutal Cartoon & Humor Monthly,” what could be bet- know that she’s not sitting in a cell some- story of revenge, yet so satisfying you can’t put ter for a long weekend getaway? If political where. The only problem is that there isn’t a it down. The artwork is horrifically beautiful humor is the motivation for comics, this paper whole lot of contact information on this book. and tweaks the brain into what witch trials must has hog tied it and won the blue ribbon at the There’s no press info, yet the book seems too have been like. If Town O Crazies ever goes state fair. The only thing that is lacking is that for well put together to be a homemade book. If collection hardback, push your way to the front a paper based in the city of the state capitol there this book can be found elsewhere, good luck, of the line, behind me, of course. (Scrapbook seems to be no fun being poked at the governor. otherwise go to the Frank & Sons card show Manifesto,1000 Powell St. #73, SF, CA 94108) I picked something similar to this up in Santa Wednesday nights and Saturdays in Walnut, Cruz once, but it wasn’t political in nature. Most CA. ([email protected]) DUPPY of the humor is directed at social security reform By Ansis and energy consumption. Personally, I love this DANG This one’s a collection of shorts that shows the stuff. It is so strange that this stuff shows the sim- $2.00 U.S. artist’s fascination with zombies and robots By Martin Cendreda plicity of doing things the wrong way, yet no one with a spatter of voodoo. The nice thing about Big heads and little bodies adorn the character in government seems to pay heed. I love this zombies, I guess, is that there is no dialect; in this little comic. Dang is the autobiographi- paper. Now I just have to see if they’ll mail after all, the dead can’t speak. Didn’t find this cal musings of its creator. It’s kinda like copies to the L.A. area. (Comic Press News, PO one giving me a ride, maybe because of the Calvin and Hobbes without the Hobbes. This Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816, order in which I read the comics this time guy creates some of the most bizarre situations www.comicpress.com) around. Not to say it was bad, it’s just kinda a comic character can think up. Dang may be disjointed for me. Whenever I’d get into one 30 DAYS OF HATE small physically but it’s big on humor when story, it ended abruptly and was followed by a $3.00 U.S. you crack it open. If you happen to procure the complete 180. (14 Saxon Rd., Newton, MA By the Jessica Gao Dynasty X-mas edition you’ll also enjoy some creative 02467, www.ansis.info) All right, so I’m at the comic and card show wrapping paper. This one was also found out DOGG She drank straight AA MMOONNKKEEYY TTOO RRIIDDEE TTHHEE DO from the bottle but SEAN CARSWELL with a raised pinkie. A child of breeding.

The Obsolete Books Department Harvey kept telling me that I was gonna check up on me. And I could catch a breeze mad. Broke a sweat, even. And the pallet lose my job if I didn’t stop working so hard. off the swamps to the west. I settled in for a was empty by two o’clock. Harvey was the boss. I needed to listen to long read. I sat on the back steps and unfolded the him, but I couldn’t get my mind wrapped The thing about Tom was that he was nuts letter that was in my pocket. I reread it again. around it. I was used to working construc- for this broad Sophia, and he had good rea- Tom Jones may have gotten away with all tion jobs with a redneck breathing down my son to believe that she dug him, but every- that shit, but I wasn’t going to. I had my neck saying shit like, “Hurry, hurry, hurry. thing—class, society, some weasely rich kid Dear John letter in my hands. George wasn’t We gotta pour this slab in an hour.” Or, “If named Blifil—conspired to keep them apart. shitting me. Christina had another guy. Hthis roof ain’t nailed off by lunchtime, But fucking Tom hung in there. And he had I thought back to the first date I had with you’re working through lunch.” This new a good time hanging in there. He traveled all Christina. We’d gone to a party that her job at the School Board warehouse was a around, he drank, he slept with older friends were having just off campus. It was a strange and beautiful world for me. women, and sure he ended up at the gallows, Mardi Gras party. Everyone but us was in I didn’t actually work in the warehouse. I but it seemed like a fun ride there. So I real- costume. The house was loud and tight and worked outside of it, in an old school ly got into Tom’s adventures. hot and Christina said to me, “Steal those portable. My job was to stack obsolete text- I worked out a daily schedule. I’d stack two bottles and let’s get out of here.” books and library books by grade and sub- books for my first hour at work, and for a half I grabbed the tequila and margarita mix ject. I was given three months to do this. hour before and after lunch. The rest of the like they belonged to me, and we went out Three weeks into the job, I was more than day, I’d read. Sometimes I’d hang out at the into the backyard. It was packed, too, but half finished. That was why Harvey kept back steps. Sometimes, I’d lie across a bed of Christina told me to follow her. She climbed warning me to slow down. He told me, “I’ll obsolete science textbooks. Sometimes I’d sit onto the handrail of the deck, and pulled her- bring you one pallet of books this week. on an office chair that I’d rescued out of the self onto the roof from there. I handed the Make it last.” trash and pulled all the wheels off of so that it bottles up to her, and climbed onto the roof, I was working so hard because Christina would sit flat. I spent about six hours a day too. We walked over the peak and sat down wasn’t returning my calls. When I worked, I hanging out with Tom Jones. just over the front porch. I pried the pour didn’t think about her. I didn’t think about I liked to see myself as Tom, too. I was spout off the tequila, poured margarita mix anything except the obsolete books. As soon hanging in there. I wasn’t getting drunk or straight into the bottle, and shook it up. I as I stopped working, though. Boy, don’t traveling or sleeping with older women, but took one taste, just to make sure it was all you know I was thinking about her. I was nuts for Christina and holding out right, then handed it to Christina. She drank The problem was that halfway through hope. We’d dated for two months during the straight from the bottle but with a raised Monday, I was halfway through my pallet. If spring semester. When the summer had pinkie. A child of breeding. Harvey saw this, he’d get on my case. I did- come along, Christina went home to Long We hung out on the roof and watched the n’t want Harvey on my case. I liked Harvey. Island, and I went home to central Florida. party and costumes from up there. It was And it wouldn’t do me any good to lose this We had plans for phone calls and letters and exciting, way up there with a pretty girl and job. So I slowed things down. I combed stuff. I sent two letters that she didn’t a stolen bottle. With everyone floating through the stack of old library books. I respond to. We connected once or twice on around below me. Christina drank and told found a nonfiction book about unsolved the phone. After that, I left messages until I the kind of stories that you can only tell crimes and read the chapter about Jack the felt like a stalker. Then I quit calling. when you’re twenty years old and on a first Ripper. But this wasn’t helping me kill time. My buddy George lived a couple of towns date: insignificant adolescent moments that I’d burned twenty minutes, tops. I needed over from Christina. Their parents belonged sound sweet when her eyes can glow a little something big and longwinded. Something I to the same country club. George told me and the moon is right. In between stories, could lose myself in for hours, so I started that Christina was running around with some Christina kept saying, “I hope I don’t get too looking at spine sizes. I found one really rich kid from Long Island. I didn’t believe drunk to climb down.” I could tell it scared thick book called Tom Jones, and I couldn’t him. Blifil was trying to feed Tom Jones the her, but she liked the fear. And that’s exactly believe it, because this sucker was nine hun- same kind of shit about Sophia. Tom hung in how I felt about her. dred pages long, and that seemed like a lot to there, and so did I. So when she sent me that shitty, typewrit- write about a lounge singer. I pulled it out of At the end of that week, Tom got saved ten letter and I read it on the back steps of the stacks. from the gallows. He hooked up with that portable, that’s what I thought about: the One paragraph in, I realized that it wasn’t Sophia. Harvey came by the portable, saw sweet moment of anticipation when about that Tom Jones. It was an old British that books on the pallet had been emptied Christina could’ve been everything. I didn’t novel about this kid who, pretty much from and stacked, and he said, “You’re doing a think about the times she called me her the time he crawled out of the womb, got good job, son.” I started feeling good about white trash toy. I didn’t think about that one yanked around by women. I could relate. I my chances. time when we were playing darts and she liked that, right from the beginning, the threw a dart at me, just fucking around, but author said it was his job to tell a story to The next Monday, Harvey brought me it went into an eyehole of my Chucks and ordinary people. I was nothing if not ordi- another pallet of books and told me to make stuck in my foot. And I definitely didn’t nary. So I walked around to the back steps of them last all week. I nodded and said I think about all the bad shit I did to her, the portable and took a seat. From where I would, but I was lying. I got right to work, which was probably the worst of it. I just was, I’d be able to hear if anyone came to sorting and stacking books. I worked like thought of that one perfect moment, and got mad that it didn’t work out. one to replace the clerk, and I had I was so angry that I went inside to ask about sixty days before the fall Harvey for another pallet of books, just semester, so he told me to get because I knew it would piss him off. He cracking with the rest of the said, “Damn it, son. Slow down.” But he books, then he’d transfer me to pointed to a forklift and a pallet, and I got the warehouse proper. I couldn’t the books my damn self. have been happier. I spent a week stacking the rest I did slow down the next day. I found a of the portable. Harvey set aside copy of Catcher in the Rye in the stacks. a forklift for me, so in the morn- I’d never read it and always meant to, so I ing, I could grab a pallet, unload sat down on the reclaimed office chair and it by eleven, get a new one, and got started. empty it by quitting time. All the I don’t know if it was because I was mad work felt good. I felt useful about Christina or what, but I couldn’t get again. I started to accept that into it. Something about that kid Holden. Christina was part of my past. I He was such a whiner. And so rich. I guess stopped thinking much about her. that was my problem. He was so rich. He got private school paid for him and he didn’t On my first day in the big even care and even got kicked out and here warehouse, Harvey gave me a I was, working construction and in ware- packing slip. I had to have all the houses to help pay my way through college. books on pallets and ready to ship It pissed me off. I pictured Holden as exact- out by three o’clock. I was done ly the kind of rich New Yorker who by noon. I asked Harvey for a Christina had taken up with. It made me new slip. “You’re gonna have to mad. It wasn’t the right book for me. I fin- learn to work right, son,” he said. ished it, but only because I didn’t have much “Now get out of here.” I asked the else to do. other guys in the warehouse what Next, I pulled a book out of the stacks I was supposed to do next, and called The Joke. It was from Czechoslo- they told me not to be an asshole. vakia, but translated into English. It was I grabbed a copy of The Stranger about this kid who couldn’t separate love from the racks and headed back from hate and had a fucked up relationship out to my portable until it was with a really selfish girl. That calmed me time to load the trucks. down quite a bit. I spent so much time read- ing that Harvey came out at the end of the I got the hang of the big ware- week just to make sure I was still showing house pretty quick. I learned to up for work. load and hide my pallets early, then make It didn’t make sense until a little just myself scarce. Sometimes I napped on before lunch, when Harvey caught up with The next week, I was depressed. All the boxes of salisbury steaks in the cooler. me as I was hiding my pallets. He said, “You anger had worn me out. It was easy to work Sometimes I hung out with the old ladies seen the film ladies yet?” at a slow pace. I plowed through half a pal- who repaired the instructional films. They “Nah,” I said. let of books in two days, not stopping to read weren’t all that interesting to talk to, but “Go see ‘em. They got a new girl working but getting about as much done as when I they worked in the air conditioning, and sit- there,” Harvey said. He gave me a big had stopped to read. No sweat was broken. I ting in air conditioning was better than sit- toothy smile and a little elbow nudge and just picked up books, one at a time, trudged ting in none. They’d spend all day rewinding said, “Boy, if I was your age, I’d have that over to the stacks, shelved the books, and reels of film and taping the film wherever it girl out in them portables. You wouldn’t see trudged back to the pallet. It was pitiful. cracked or split. Sometimes, they’d let me nothing through that window but my ass This probably would’ve gone on indefi- set up a projector and watch a movie. The bouncing up, if you know what I’m saying.” nitely if I hadn’t come across a copy of movies were the exact same ones I’d slept How could I not know? Great Expectations. I’d never been a fan of through in high school, but it was more fun Charles Dickens, but this was a really cool to sleep through them when I was making The new girl’s name was Tammy. Of hardcover copy. It was tiny, like a cheap $6.75 an hour. One old lady who repaired course. We met in the lunch room. She knew paperback, and the pages were made out of film was named Gertie. She took a little she was being set up and I knew I was being that paper that Bibles are sometimes made shine to me. She kept telling me about her set up, so it was awkward at first. We danced of. The kind that you can roll up and smoke. granddaughter Tammy. About what a great around a few subjects and I told a few bad I sat on the reclaimed office chair and got girl she was, what a catch, and I should real- jokes and she laughed anyway. She had started. ly meet her. I humored Gertie. I’d put up brown hair pinned back in barrettes and that Again, it was a book about a poor kid who with a lot for air conditioning. And who was little bit of extra weight that I like on girls. goes nuts over a rich broad. I liked that. And I to crush ol’ Gertie’s daydreams? She was wearing her dad’s blue work shirt I could tell that this poor kid probably was- Only, one day, with about five weeks left because she said she didn’t want to ruin her n’t gonna get the broad in the end. Or, if he in the summer, I went into Harvey’s office. good clothes at the warehouse. Part of it all did, she wouldn’t be all that he’d hoped for. All the clerks were hanging around, gossip- seemed artificial, but damn if she wasn’t my So I was down with this book. It was sad and ing like a sewing circle. I got my packing kind of girl. self-indulgent and matched my mood. I read slip and started to clear out, but Harvey said, My heart still had a bit of a hangover from for the rest of the day. “Get that filled out early. Go see the film Christina, but one sweet look from Tammy ladies today.” and that all started to fade away. I decided Towards the end of the book, Harvey came I thought he was getting on my case about right then that, if she asked me to sneak off out to see me. One of the warehouse clerks slacking off so much. But really, how could into the film stacks and watch a driver’s ed had gotten arrested. It was a minor posses- the guy who sat in the office all day, gossip- movie with her, I’d do it. Hell, I thought, sion charge, but the clerk was black and this ing with clerks and telling everyone to slow maybe I’ll ask her myself. was the South, so he got sixty days in the down, really be cracking on me for working county pen. Harvey didn’t want to hire some- too slow? –Sean Carswell 31 It was just TTHHEE DDIINNGGHHOOLLEE RREEPPOORRTTSS stupid enough RHYTHM CHICKEN to be a pretty good idea! The Suck my Beak Tour The Dinghole Reports 2005 By the Rhythm Chicken So, you slick-slacks have started (commentary by Francis my column without me AGAIN! Funyuns) If I weren’t so damn busy I’d give [edited by Dr. Sicnarf] BOTH of your dingholes the ol’ wire brush treatment! I have only T(Good morning, folks. Francis three weeks left of being a Blatz- Funyuns here. I wholly regret to swilling American before I fly off inform you that my identity accusa- to Poland again, and my duties tion from last issue’s column was before I leave are having me quite false. I was quite positive that burning the midnight oil on a our own Todd Taylor was the nightly basis. Now, in the interest Rhythm Chicken. It all made so of wasting no time, let me see much sense. I mean who WOULD- where you two dildoheads left N’T want to be from Wisconsin? off… ah, yes. If one is unfortu- Not to mention all those unfortu- nate enough to have not seen my nate Californians! – F.F.) divine drumming, how could one possibly know of my percussive [Excuse me, Francis. Maybe I grace? Well, I guess this naturally should interrupt before you get us brings us to today’s story! Gather fired. We’ve found a few bits of ‘round, kids! My time’s short evidence that lend us to believe these days. that Todd is indeed NOT the Rhythm Chicken. After rereading [Francis, you better keep your previous Dinghole Reports con- mouth shut this time! – Dr. S.] cerning the Chicken’s visit to Southern California, we noticed Well, today’s story began in the that the photos of his traveling middle of last issue’s Dinghole circus of chaos were taken by Report. Somewhere in none other than Todd himself. D.H.R.#66, I found myself quite Once again, this leaves us with exhausted and thrashed up after the great question, “Who is the just belly flopping onto my drums Rhythm Chicken?” – Dr. S.] in the men’s room at the Onopa brewpub. While attempting to (I know what you’re thinking. gather and move aside the rem- The Doctor and I, being his two nants of my chickenkit, I was closest companions in his cru- approached by one Mr. John sade, should know who the Clark Gehring. John owns and runs Kent is beneath that furry Haunted House Recordings, a wrestling mask. Well, truth be The Chicken, in flight... basement studio hidden in the known, the few times we’ve seen bowels of Milwaukee’s southside. him without that big furball on his head we’ve (Yes, they were all understandable accusations. He would lean over and say, “I think the been too drunk to truly recognize his naked But, only those who’ve heard the Chicken’s Rhythm Chicken really should record a record image. So far, we are sure of three things: he is timeless slop-rock would know how truly BAD with me.” All I could do was laugh it off. What not Todd Taylor, he is not the good Dr. Sicnarf, a drummer he is. Unless you’ve been lucky an absurd thought. I briefly pictured me setting and he is not me. – F.F.) enough to cross paths with one of his tours de up my thrift store drum kit in his professional ruckus, you really don’t know how bad he is. studio with microphones meticulously placed [We’ve heard all the accusations, and some of Lucky for the Chicken, those damn ears usual- here and there to catch the “true” sound of the them carry some weight. Being Polish and ly keep everyone’s attention off of his ailing Rhythm Chicken. Out of breath, I could only from Green Bay, the Rev. Nørb could very well rudimentary skills. I mean, how would some- tell him, “No, I don’t think so. That wouldn’t be the Rhythm Chicken. But would Todd give one from Wells, Nevada or Monticello, make much sense.” I packed my kit away and two entire blocks of column space to the same Minnesota know that his percussive skills are retired to the bar. The rest of the night I put Wisconsinite? Nardwuar? Ben Weasel? Brett quite nonexistent? I mean, unless you actually more thought into his offer while putting more Favre? Dan Panic? Paddy? Grant Hart? We’ve witness his Ruckusness, how are you to know Blatz into my belly. It did seem quite pointless, ruled all these folks out, simply by their supe- he can barely drum at all? – F.F.) a record of just drumming. How would anyone rior drumming abilities. – Dr. S.] know of the chaos? Then again, I had to remind —Suddenly, the door creeks open and a very myself that pointlessness is one of the founding tired looking Rhythm Chicken crawls in.— cornerstones of Wisconsinism. If I could some- mouth!” How could I make it any more clear? “SILENCE.” The eerie moment of silence was how capture that chaos, then I would consider This was going to be a recording capturing the almost too much for the drunken concert goers such a venture. At some point near bartime I authentic sounds of a Wisconsin tavern! From to take, so our hero then held up the second found myself sitting next to John at the Cactus last issue’s descriptions of these venues, I’m sign which had one beautiful word scrawled Club. We were holding the Great Summit. One sure you would agree that they were fine choic- upon it: “RUCKUS!” The screams were deaf- of these happens at the C-Club almost nightly. es for each side of this release. The arrange- ening and the patrons began ripping out their After bouncing a few ideas back and forth, a lit- ments were made. The plans were set. The theater seats! The holy opera of ruckus began tle compromising here, a little stubborn insis- Rhythm Chicken was actually going to record with the opening drumroll. The cement floor tence there, a lot of chilled Blatz here AND a smash hit record! It was a long, anxious wait and tin ceiling of the National Liquor Bar there, and we had formulated a functioning till that Saturday! echoed the glorious thunder. Halfway through charter. That night we hatched the idea which the opening drumroll, our hero dropped a will surely take punk rock into the next phase! —The phone rings again.— drumstick and the crowd snickered. This was no rehearsal! The tapes were rolling! Punk {You’re like the Elvis of punk rock! – Lord [Hello, residence of the Rhythm Chicken… rock! Grabbing a spare stick, he continued Kveldulfr} Who?… Dave Geffen? – Dr.S.] undaunted! What followed was a beautiful assortment of drunk-ass chicken rhythms inter- Get him outta here! I really don’t have time for HANG THAT UP! If you two slick-slacks spersed with the beer-splashed cheers and any hoppin’ hooshwash today! SOOOOOOO, can’t even figure out who I am, how can the heckles of the audience. Performer and audi- that night we hammered out the plan. We major label fat cats find my phone number? ence members fed off each other’s energy and agreed that a Rhythm Chicken recording sure- That damn Chickenphone’s been ringing off lunacy as Haunted Saturn Recording captured ly could NOT be done conventionally in a stu- the hook! every second of this great symphony. The dio environment. It had to be done on his own cheers grew in volume and intensity while the turf, the tavern! The Rhythm Chicken could Dinghole Report #67: tapes kept rolling. The Rhythm Chicken was not conceivably release an entire album of his The Recording of Ruckus! getting caught up in the usual rituals of his works, though the pointlessness of it did sound (Rhythm Chicken sightings #356 & #357) show and toying with the audience, when he appealing. The true fire and ruckus of a April 16, 2005 was just a day. The Rytm suddenly remembered the time limitations of Chicken recording could only be captured at a Kurcze fell out of bed, walked to the library, one side of a 45. ABANDON SHIP! ABORT live show in his natural habitat. The focus of the stopped at the Hi-Fi for some cluck-cluck MISSION! Before he could even utilize his recording could not be on the drumming itself, juice, and scratched his way back to his coop. mighty ruckus logs, our hero desperately but on the sounds of the entire room. The drums Ruckus O’Reily and Andrzej showed up so grabbed his drumset and tossed it about before would be just another room sound in the mix, they cracked open some Zywiec. His beak was doing some type of nongymnastical leap onto blended in with the bar glasses clanking, the glistening in Zywiec froth as they strolled into his pile of drum nestings. The concert hall curses of the old man at the end of the bar, and the National Liquor Bar. It was shortly after erupted with great applause! Drunks were the drunken hoots and hollers of the patrons. It 2:00 and there were already Chicken fans sit- yelling, “Hurray!” One stray voice even bel- would be a symphonic composition even ting around the bar partaking in the cheap beer lowed out the word, “FUN!” Somewhere in the Chopin would appreciate! So we decided it social. I might just be flattering myself here, heavens, the half-bearded Chopin looked down would be a live recording in the tavern setting for they might have been there swilling cheap and nodded with approval. Soon, our hero with just two room mics placed at the back of beer at this time even if there wasn’t a sched- crawled his way backstage (the men’s room) to the room. It would be released as a 45. This gave uled Rhythm Chicken concert. The drums were the ongoing cheers of the audience. John us a chance to choose two different venues to be tossed into the corner as we were soaked up by pressed the stop button and side A was fin- grooved into wax. Instead of choosing different the crowd. More and more Chicken fans ished. No overdubs, no second takes, no songs for each side, we were choosing different showed up as their anticipation swelled. The hooshwash! This recording was the real deal! venues, two different “studios.” The decision two scratchy-voiced old lady bartenders were really was not too difficult. The Rhythm continuously sliding bottles of Pabst over the —The phone rings again.— Chicken live 45 would be as follows: bar. The bottles clanking, laughs and slurs of Side A: The Rhythm Chicken live at National the patrons, and the creaking of barstools [Hello, residence of the Rhythm Chicken… Liquor Bar sounded like the pre-show tuning of all the Herb Alpert?… from A&M Records? – Dr. S.] Side B: The Rhythm Chicken live at Koz’s stringed instruments from the orchestra pit. Mini-Bowl Shortly before showtime, John Gehring and —The Rhythm Chicken violently grabs the John Burger showed up with two armloads of receiver and thrusts it up his dinghole!— The next morning I was at work thinking about recording equipment. They were quite the previous night’s brainstorm. The more I impressed that the day’s equipment could fit in Now, where was I? Oh, yes. So side A was thought about it, the more I thought it was just the back seat of his Saturn and named the trav- done. The drums were thrown into the Rooster stupid enough to be a pretty good idea! Top of eling recording company Haunted Saturn Roller and like an efficient MASH unit, the Pops, indeed! Recording. The bewildered regulars at the Haunted Saturn Recording was once again in National Liquor Bar inspected the stage setup. John’s back seat. The convoy of Chicken fans —The phone rings.— The barstools were pushed aside to make room began the migrating carpool to the location of for the crappy little drumset with the bass drum side B’s recording, Koz’s Mini-Bowl. Upon [Hello, residence of the Rhythm Chicken… warning “The Rhythm Chicken.” There was an entering the corner tavern, the traveling circus Who is this?… Sire Records? – Dr. S.] odd sign duct-taped to the bar reading, “Rytm noticed that the place was all decked out with Kurcze jest krolewskie koszmar!” All the pol- balloons and decorations. There were many —The Chicken violently grabs the phone and ish-speaking attendees agreed. Within minutes, children roaming in an out while grandparents, slams it back down.— the recording equipment was assembled and aunts, and uncles sat at the bar downing one the concert hall quieted down as the orchestra dollar mugs of Pabst. It turns out that there was Damn them! Can’t a Chicken get a column finished their tuning and quieted their instru- a birthday party for three of the neighborhood done without all these interruptions?!! Now, ments. The Rhythm Chicken then emerged kids. I thought the only way to ensure a full where was I? Oh yes, the live 45. So, the vinyl from the men’s room and majestically walked Chicken gig recording was to get the okay 45 was the obvious choice, with the large ding- to his kit in the spotlight. The crowd clapped from the owner. After being asked if there hole. I began preparations. I put together a politely yet powerfully as the conductor could be a quick concert in the back room, flyer advertising the event. It was on a approached his riser at center stage. After a Mrs. Koz replied, “Well, as long as you play Saturday afternoon, when the National Liquor short period of applause, he grabbed his baton ‘Happy Birthday’!” I thought about it for a bit. Bar was at its eclectic peak. The flyer read, and raised it skyward. The audience shushed The Chicken has never really played “Happy “2:00 PM Cheap Beer Social, 4:00 PM and the room grew quiet. The Rhythm Chicken Birthday” before, but what the cluck! We got RUCKUS! Bring your liver! Bring your stood holding up his sign that read, the green light. The chickenkit and Haunted 33 the more. While loading my drums out they brought in the pig to the head table and started cutting slabs-o-meat for the friends and family. The guy doing the butchering held out a large slab of the other white meat to me and said, “Payment for a fine show!” I was more than delighted to grab and inhale the other white meat, knowing it was not me.

—Phone rings again, this time from inside the Chicken’s dinghole!—

I’ll get this one… Hello, residence of the Rhythm Chicken… oh really? Warner Brothers wants to release my live 45?… Yeah?… Cocaine and champagne, you say?… Signing bonus?… Uh huh… HOOSHWASH! BUCK- AW! You keep your money. I’ll keep my recording! GOOD-BYE!

—The Chicken rips the phone off the wall and throws it out the window!—

Chickens never fly for very long... (Wow, Chicken! You really are keeping your air gets stuck in their dingholes. 45 on a DIY level, aren’t you? – F.F.) Saturn were loaded in. Before long, the entire valiantly, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR The release will have no record label’s name at Chicken-friendly crowd from the National HMMMMM-HMMMMM!” Listening back to all. It will be as if it just appeared from nowhere. Liquor Bar arrived. John and John excitedly the tapes now I can even hear a couple people A divine gift of ruckus, born of no label, direct proclaimed that they noticed a large pig being singing, “Happy Birthday dear PEOPLE!” from my dinghole! And just to make it an all-out roasted along the side of the building for the This was an unexpected addition to my regular media blitz of ruckus, I’m including a bonus party! There were a few more Chicken fans chicken show, but welcomed nonetheless! The DVD inside every copy of the 45, video docu- that missed the side A gig, but managed to song ended and my heavy metal beat gave way mentation of both recording sessions and slide catch this one. “Happy Birthday,” huh? Well, I to my usual all-out chaos! More so than before, show! This is truly groundbreaking! found Christeater, the official birthday song the room of drunk chicken fans cheered along! ringleader from the Cactus Club. I knew he I toyed with them and played them like a grand [I’ve certainly never heard of a 45 with a bonus would get the ball rolling, and the plans were piano. I raised them up. I raised them down. DVD included. Once again, you are pioneering set. The Chicken fans were steadily emptying They were in the palm of my wing. Then I into new areas, Mr. Chicken. Can I pre-order the tavern of their Pabst supply. The tapper ran remembered what was absent at the recording mine? – Dr. S.] dry and they were now selling $1 cans. I shared of side A and flung my little drum sticks aside. a few libations with my public, enjoying the Reaching back behind my kit I found my terri- (Yeah, and aren’t you leaving to go back to various oddities displayed about the bar room. ble twigs, the RUCKUS LOGS! Raising them Poland in like three weeks? You certainly keep My newest discovery at Koz’s was a stuffed skyward, I rumbled the bass drum and dis- busy, Chicken. You know what? I think I’ve badger up behind the bar that wears a little played my weapons to the gasps and got it! You’re from Green Bay… You now live miniature cheesehead, and the cheesehead WHOOOOOAH’s of the well-Pabsted clan. I in Milwaukee… I’ve got it. THE RHYTHM itself has a little mouth and eyes! I swear, every was able to throw a few monster rock beats at CHICKEN IS ANDY JUNK!!! – F.F.) time you look closely around Koz’s there’s the crowd before I once again remembered my something new, but it’s all been there for the time restraints. This time I chose to execute a Need I remind you who took the photos for my last thirty years! Yes, I was confident in my graceful belly flop onto my chickenkit, tum- Dinghole Report #18? choice of venue for side B. The badger wear- bling forward and landing on the edge of the ing the smiley-faced cheesehead clinched it! first mini-bowling lane. The applause was [Dang! Well, let me think here… You’re from Wisconsin, what a country! Soon, our hero more thunderous than ever. Men bellowed. Green Bay… You live in Milwaukee… You emerged from the men’s room to the gathering Ladies shrieked. The Dalmatian howled. Did I drink Blatz… YOU’RE LORD KVELDUL- applause. I sat at my throne and held up the mention the Dalmatian? I don’t think Land FR!!! – Dr. S.] SILENCE sign. Just then, the jukebox kicked Speed Record had a Dalmatian in the audience! in and the room filled with the soothing voice Their cheers slowly died down and someone This is all getting quite amusing. If I actually of Willie Nelson singing, “When I was seven- yelled out, “One more set!” I grabbed the little did reveal my identity to you two, it would be teen… it was a very good year.” It was too per- mini-ball rack next to the lane and raised quite anti-climatic and then I would have to fect. It couldn’t have worked out that well had myself up to more cheers. Christreater would- kill you both. Well, you know, the Deepthroat I planned it! Most of the ruckus militia thought n’t let the show end and started everyone up guy from the Watergate scandal just revealed it was orchestrated that way, so I played along. again with another “Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa himself yesterday. Maybe I’ll follow his exam- This is when I held up the RUCKUS sign and aaappy Birthday to you…” The entire room ple and wait till I’m ninety, but for now I’m the place just erupted with drunken cheers. The was even drunker and sang along with heartfelt just gonna move back to Poland and keep you opening drumroll commenced and wavered passion. No longer seated at my drums, I just guessing. Before finishing up I would like to until I held both wings up to more applause. did a little tail-wagging dance with a little ask all the Razorcake readers if anyone knows Then Christreater triggered the crowd with, chicken-booty shake-n-bake. “Happy Birthday how the Green Bay polka mass started? “Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaappy dear HMMMMM-HMMMMM!” The crowd Birthday to you….,” and the whole place cheered one last time, this time for their own Jestescie guwniaza! began singing the well known tune. I was play- singing and I crawled backstage. John pressed ing some sort of heavy metal backbeat to the the stop button and the day’s recording was –Rhythm Chicken traditional favorite, thinking about how most complete. I had done it. The Rhythm Chicken [email protected] of the folks singing had no idea WHOSE birth- had completed his first ever real recording with day it was. Well the third verse came around intent to duplicate! I thought about it all again. and, as I anticipated, the drunken crowd sang Yup, it still seemed quite absurd. I loved it all 35

Ever wonder why some debut records simply blow that. With songs like "Messy Room" and "Pussy other band's fourth or fifth release out of the Pants," how can it not? water? Sometimes it's the band members past The band was gracious enough to sit down with experience-which all four members of this band me in between band slots, where they had just have. Bill Nesper did time with Discount. Everyone finished a killer set supporting Visqueen and else played in Jury Rig in the mid-1990s. When Shonen Knife. You can easily procure their record Jury Rig spontaneously combusted, it took until off Dischord Records' site, where it is a joint 2001 before Amanda MacKaye, Ryan Nelson, and release with Sammich Records, the label Amanda Todd McDonald decided to regroup and make also runs. Or pick it up at their next gig-after the music again. rock of The Routineers has pummeled your head like a cheap billyclub. Their self-titled record, released in the fall of 2004, was worth the wait. Intertwining vocals Interview by Sean Koepenick from Ryan and Amanda seamlessly flow with the Photos by Ted Tuel scientific precision of Bill on drums and Todd on Original artwork by bass. Ryan's guitar adds a fevered grittiness to Amy Adoyzie the proceedings. In other words, you want to go out and get their new record now before you have to listen to some other retread garbage on the radio. This disc is miles away from anything like A ED IN PLAY E IN “WE STOR ” RITO WICK. BUR RUNS NEW B

Sean: How and when did each of you get involved with music? Ryan: I started playing music when I was really young. My brother and I would play classic rock tunes. We just listened to my Dad’s record collection a lot. We’d end up trying to play those songs. Amanda: I was about eight or nine. My brothers had bands so I had to have one, too. I had a band with my neighbor who was a year younger than me. I was nine, he was eight, and we start- ed a band with his twenty-seven-year-old cousin. We had one instru- ment—the acoustic guitar, and everything else was cardboard boxes and kitchen utensils. Then my friend (the eight year old) tried to teach himself how to play harmonica. Ryan: Because the band needed a harmonica! Amanda: Well, yes. But we had all the kind of regular band prob- lems—we had some management issues. We practiced for awhile and then it started to fall off so we ended up breaking up. Then we added some other instruments—some keyboards and strings. It wasn’t really working out, though. Ryan: Some tennis rackets Amanda: Did you see us? We ended up playing two shows. Ryan: Amanda had a white suit jacket on... Amanda: And a white Blues Brothers shirt underneath. We had roles and I was the “cool” one. My friend Oliver was “the hobo.” Ryan: Who is “the hobo” in The Routineers? Amanda: You’re looking at ‘em—right here [points at herself]. 38 Bill: My Dad played piano, so when I was really young. He tried to

make me play piano and I really didn’t take to it. They convinced me to be in chorus too. But I actually really enjoyed it. So I sang in school, but then I realized it was kind of geeky and that I would rather surf. I started then it wasn’t like punk stuff but, like, Judas Priest You’ve Got Another playing drums when I was like sixteen or seventeen. I lived in a small Thing Comin’. town. There were two bands in town, and in my circle of friends there Amanda: A lot of the same stuff. None of the classic rock stuff, but like wasn’t a drummer. So I got my set of “Jugs” drums. These were really the Beatles and the Who and stuff. My brothers were into punk rock, so low budget—more than the CB-700 set. They were like a Pearl knock- I started to like Stiff Little Fingers, Sex Pistols, and then their bands. off. Ryan: Your brothers listened to a lot of British punk rock. Todd: I had gone to shows and it seemed like anyone could do it, so my Amanda: Yeah, this was from ’77 to 1980 when I was getting heavily friends and I decided we would start a band. Both of us were like, “Okay, influenced by them. Then they started playing in bands. First record I whoever gets the bass will be the bassist and the other guy will be the ever bought though was Kiss Alive. Somehow I thought it made sense. singer,” but my friend got the bass and then I ended up being the singer. They seemed real punk in a way—real tough. It was mostly… I kept going to shows but I didn’t come to play bass until I was like twen- Ryan: Paul Stanley’s sex appeal [laughs]. ty-two or twenty-three. Amanda: Yeah, right. But all the early punk stuff, and my brothers were Amanda: You’re twenty-four now? into Ted Nugent and Santana. Todd: Yes, I’m twenty-four now. You can tell by the way I play bass. I Bill: My dad played a lot of piano stuff. I know this sounds really funny decided I would teach myself an instrument. but my Dad used to play ragtime and boogie-woogie and things like that. Sean: What bands or artists did you listen to during that same time peri- So I was into that when I was really, really young. Then I got into Kiss. od? I liked the whole act. I just don’t get it now. What was I thinking? Ryan: When I first started playing music, we pretty much listened to any- Amanda: “Calling Dr. Love?” C’mon, man! thing we could get our hands on. We raided my father’s record collection. Bill: Prince was the first 7” record I bought. When Doves Cry. Duran I remember finding a Grandmaster Flash tape in fifth grade. I couldn’t get Duran, The Reflex. enough of Grandmaster Flash and UTFO. At the same time I was listen- Ryan: You have a Reflex tattoo right? ing to the Beatles, Led Zeppelin, and the Beach Boys, so it sort of ran all Bill: Yeah, sure, it’s on my lower back! I’ll show you later. over the place. We were listening to a lot of contemporary stuff. Back 39 “LET’S NOT GET TOO PRECIOUS BOUT A ” THIS SHIT!

Ryan: The first two Duran Duran records I liked, but I couldn’t say it out there wasn’t anywhere to go see shows. It wasn’t until I was like eight- loud. een or so that we started setting up our own shows in this little school- Todd: There’s different punk music I listened to before I started playing house in Florida. We rented it out for twenty-five bucks per show. We music. My whole musical experience was based around punk rock. When bought a PA. I was younger I liked The Beatles, The Beach Boys, and all that stuff. My Ryan: Twenty-five bucks? You can’t beat that! first record was Convoy. I was the youngest of five so I grew up on clas- Bill: Fort Pierce, Florida. sic rock from my other brothers. But as far as playing music, I wanted to Sean: How did the Routineers first get together? be in a band that sounded like Reagan Youth. That was the biggest thing Amanda: Todd, Ryan, and I all played in a band together called Jury Rig, when I was growing up. I like New York hardcore and the old MRR and at some point three years ago, I begged Ryan to be in a band with me, comps. Anything obscure and fast I liked. We were in the Midwest. We or at least to record some songs. Many, many years ago Ryan and I had didn’t have much of our own dynamic so we kind of picked from wher- some “spoof” PJ Harvey songs that we played in my apartment. He ever. I mean, people liked The Replacements but nobody really consid- played acoustic guitar and I sang. We decided we should record them. We ered them our own. We liked the West Coast stuff because it was really thought it would be really funny. fast and aggressive. I liked East Coast stuff, too, but it was kind of all Ryan: It was funny. over the place. Amanda: We still haven’t done it yet. But somehow that worked into Sean: Who played at the first concert you ever attended? starting a band. I ran into Todd and thought, “Hey, we should play music Ryan: I love that question. Didn’t I ask that of the audience when we because Bill’s moving up here and drummers are scarce.” So we kept it played at Josie’s? on the down-low. “There’s a new drummer in town.” Literally, the band Amanda: First concert or first show? started when I mailed Ryan some lyrics while I was out of town and he Sean: First live band you remember. wrote a song. Then I came back and went over to his house and we played Amanda: The Slinkees. And then The Teen Idles. that song together. Ryan: Mine is terrible. Van Halen with Sammy Hagar. That was my first Ryan: I think I had four songs. I had always played drums in other bands, concert. My Mom took my brother and I. But, technically, they weren’t but I had four songs on guitar that I didn’t know what to do with. So when the first band since Bachman Turner Overdrive opened for them. Amanda said, “Let’s play some music,” I was all ready to go. When she Amanda: The first “stadium rock” show I went to was Aerosmith on the sent me some lyrics, I already had a riff and I tried to work a melody Permanent Vacation tour. For my twentieth birthday present, my brother into it. was like, “You’ve never been to a stadium rock show?” So I went to see Amanda: It’s the one we don’t play, “Song One.” Aerosmith with The Black Crowes and somebody else. It was a dreadful Bill: It’s gone. night. Ryan: Yeah, it sucks to be us. It’s amazing because Todd, Amanda, and Todd: My first punk show—I’ll try and get points—was Toxic Reasons. I were in Jury Rig, and I played drums in that band. Jury Rig’s break-up The first concert was a band nobody’s ever heard of called Clover. A ‘70s was fucking hardcore. My recollection is sitting on a porch and looking hippie band. every band member in the eyes and saying, “I don’t want to play with any Ryan: Man, did he ever want to be a singer with that band. of you fuckers anymore!” Todd: I just thought, “Man, if I could just play keyboards with them...” Todd: I think that was the last time I spoke to Amanda until many years Bill: I can’t remember. It may have been at the county fair with the Isley later. Brothers or something like that. Or it was more low-budget, like one of Ryan: Our break-up was terrible. the Isley Brothers doing like a side project. Amanda: This is an earth-shattering moment because we were able to Amanda: The Isley Cousins? come back together after such a violent breakup. Bill: Yeah, the Isley Cousins or something like that. I honestly don’t Ryan: It was pretty crazy. But Todd and I became friends; we buried the remember. Blood Sweat and Isley! Earth Wind and Tears! Where I lived hatchet. And Amanda and I, over the years, worked stuff out. We would meet for coffee and talk and stuff. We were just friends again. 40 Amanda: It’s like Metallica. We all have to have the services of great Ryan: We do a lot of home recording. I have a Tascam eight-track quar- group therapists. ter-inch reel to reel. Most of the recording on the record was done on the Ryan: We lay down on my porch and he asks us how we feel. I was Tascam. I recorded my vocals, then Amanda’s brother Ian (MacKaye) thinking about this tonight. I’ve always played drums in bands. I love came over and recorded Amanda’s vocals. The mix was done by me, playing with Bill. In practice I smile constantly. It’s so exciting to play Amanda, Ian and Don (Zientara) at Inner Ear. We brought my whole with a drummer. I love what Bill comes up with. But it’s crazy for me to machine to Inner Ear, then we mixed it at the studio there. Then we also hear the music on one side of my head. I’m so used to the music being do tons of four-track demos. We just throw mics up and do four-track all around me. It still fucks with me. It’s a weird dynamic. It’s a little bit demos, which I think sometimes sounds better than the other stuff. easier in a practice space. Todd: We try to re-create it but it’s a struggle. Todd: You should play with headphones. Amanda: I don’t know about Bill’s experience but I know these two have Sean: Describe one of your most memorable gigs so far. done this together before. I have only recorded in a studio before. This is Bill: Definitely the burrito show. interesting. Playing with the tape on and suddenly you have recorded a Ryan: We played in a burrito store in New Brunswick. It wasn’t a chain. song. It’s nice, like taking the veil off of making a record. It’s kind of Bill: It was an original burrito place. It was all florescent lighting. They intimidating to go to a studio because it’s a studio. It seems like such a didn’t shut down, either. deal. Amanda: People were like coming in, picking out their carry-out, and Ryan: You are always thinking about time and money. We’re here and then going. They would stand there with their bag. you have to perform. Todd: I think the only other band that had played there was like a lo-fi, Amanda: When you are in your own space, two or three piece band. it’s a surprise; you’ve just recorded a song. Ryan: They were like, “You are the loudest band that’s ever played Ryan: With Routineers stuff we want a dirti- here.” I was like, “That’s great!” er sound. Todd and I are constantly talking Bill: It was so much fun. The cook spoke no English whatsoever. about bands with like narly, gritty guitar Ryan: He wanted a CD. sounds. Vocals like puking and crack- Bill: He had no reason to get one, he just wanted one. ing and all that shit, like the garage- Ryan: Yeah, it was awesome. But we also got added last minute to a bill est sound, which we didn’t do on in Albany. I’m really thankful that they let us play. But the penalty for the record. But it was part of the being added at the last minute is you play last. It was before a lot of appeal. When we were bands. I think it was a six-band bill? recording it we kept saying, Bill: Oh yeah, at least. “Let’s not get too pre- Ryan: It was a six-band bill including us. We played last. There were cious about this shit!” four people there. Bill: There was a woman there at the show who was closer to our age who came to see the show. And she was picking up her son who played in the first band. I thought it was awesome because I thought it looked like exactly what I was doing at age seventeen. Then I would turn around and get Ryan: There were a lot of kids there—except when we played. real precious on it. Bill: They had to go to bed. Amanda: The first band that I Todd: I remember the house in Columbia Heights. My right elbow was recorded with, we did it in base- hitting someone in the crowd. The end of my bass was under Bill’s cym- ment studios. GNS studios were in bal. You can feel people sweating on you. We were on top of each other. the basement over in Arlington. Ryan: Kids started doing a soul clap. Both Jeff Turner and Barrett’s Amanda: I had this opportunity during one of the songs that Ryan sings basements had been reconstructed most of. I just turned around and stood in the front with everybody else. to studios. I mean, I’m looking at I watched the band and sang from there. It was such an interesting oppor- the furnace. There are no walls around the tunity to watch my own band—while I was doing it. I encourage people soundboard. to do that if you have the chance. Ryan: You can definitely hear the furnace Sean: How does the songwriting process work for the band? through the song! Ryan: Most of the time, Todd and I come to practice with riffs. We’ll Amanda: It was good. When we recorded, it string them together or have something all together. Amanda and I have was the winter and we had to turn the heat off in gotten together and worked on lyrics and vocal melodies. We haven’t the house so it wouldn’t keep clicking on and done it in awhile now. Lately we have just been making tapes of the off. songs. Amanda will think of something, or when I write a riff, we’ll just Sean: Are there any current bands out there that get a vocal melody right away, and we’ll just apply that to the song. And you would like to share a double bill with? Amanda and I will get together and work on what she does in the song Amanda: There are too many. It’s so hard, espe- versus what I do in the song. It’s kind of crazy, though. It’s still new to cially for me being totally biased and in love me to do vocals, so when I do vocals I usually don’t think about vocals with DC. There’s not enough time or venues to for two. do it. We played with Navies and Like Language Sean: Are there any current musicians that you would like to write a song in Philadelphia. I had wanted to play with them with? for so long because I had seen them and they’re Ryan: We talked the other night about having my brother, so in the back amazing. I want to play with Horses, the of my mind I would love to play guitar with my brother if the Routineers Threads... ever did like a special “one-off” show with a special guest guitarist. My Ryan: I want to play with The Kills. I’ve never brother is Mark Nelson and I’m a huge fan. I love what he comes up with actually listened to them but Bill used to be in a on guitar and I’m a huge fan of his lyrics. band (Discount) with the singer, right? Sean: How did the recording process work for your debut versus your Bill: Yeah. previous bands? Ryan: I just thought it would be cool to play have Bill play. I don’t know if you guys actually talk or get along or what? Bill: Actually, I asked her to put us on the show but she never called me back. Ryan: That sucks. Bill: Whah, whah, whah, whah. Ryan: I don’t know if they have control over support bands. Bill: She actually could care less but… it’s hard. Ryan: I thought it would be cool, I don’t know. Like some weird reunion for Bill. In DC, we play with our friends all the fucking time. Todd: If you really want to play Omaha, I know some bands. Ryan: Yeah, like Todd’s town is Omaha. Amanda and I are spoiled being from here… I’d love to play with Hot Snakes, though. That’s just ‘cause I know the bassist. Amanda: I would love to. But in actuality, I just think it would be too intimidating. They’re great. Ryan: I love that band. I think Rick’s lyrics are fucking amazing. They have this great energy. And Prince, too. A Routineers/Prince show would be amazing. Sean: What current artists do you enjoy listening to? Amanda: I just saw a local hip-hop band—Head-Roc. A really cool guy. Great DJ stuff. He is so dope, just really grassroots, down to earth. His music is so good. Ryan: I’m been listening to M. Ward. I can’t stop listening to one of his records. It’s on constant rotation. That and Mark Lanegan. I’m also on a small Julianna Hatfield kick. Amanda: I spend a lot of time in the past, just for listening. Because I work here at The Black Cat I see a show practi- cally every night. Honestly, I’ll listen to a Trio record, over and over again. All day long, same record. Then I will go and listen to something brand new from DC. I need to be able to clear it all out and then see what’s happening. A friend of mine sent me a CD of band called Thuderbirds Are Power. Man, they are so good. Perhaps one of my favorite things about them is there’s a girl singing. I per- sonally have noticed that there’s a weird aggression going on. There are not as many girls anymore. I don’t see it hap- pening as much. I don’t see enough girls at shows, let alone getting up on stage. Ryan: We have two girls in Beauty Pill. Your brother is always correcting me. “Don’t say ‘girls!’” was kind of a cool concept. Not in the drug problem way, but in the Amanda: I say “girls.” methodical practicing. So then I actually loved it more and I called Ryan Ryan: I know. Now he’s planted this thing in my fucking head! and I was spelling it out for him over the phone and he was like “oh Amanda: How about chicks, broads, babes, ladies? route-in-neers?” I was like, “Route-in-neers, that’s so much better!” Ryan: Basla, Beauty Pill’s bassist, studied sociology. On tour she count- Sean: What are the future plans for The Routineers? ed the women we played with. I swear there was a woman in every band. Ryan: We don’t have any shows booked. We’ve been writing a lot of new At least one woman in every band we played with on tour. I was actual- stuff. I really, really want to finish our new batch of songs and record. ly like, “Man, things are headed in a really cool direction.” I agree, it’s That’s pretty much all I want to do. We’ve been playing the same set for definitely in regression. I do want more women in music. awhile. Amanda: I have been steadily going to shows for half my life and this is Bill: I want to do the same thing, Ryan. the most like the early ‘80s than it ever has been. I’ve been to shows Ryan: I think that’s what we’re going to do for the next couple months. recently where I will stand behind the band and count individually how Bill: We’ll go out of town for some shows. many women are in the audience. There won’t be a girl for, like, four or Todd: I think we’re on a pretty good tear at each practice. Every practice five people back. All dudes. It’s really weird. It’s uncomfortable for me. there is something new popping up. Too many young white boys. Ryan: We’ve got four or five songs done. They’re just waiting for vocals. Ryan: A rodeo. I never want vocals to be an afterthought. I’m so against that. But some- Amanda: Yeah, too much of a rodeo. times that just happens. I feel like I can hear when vocals are an after- Sean: What’s the origin of the band’s name? thought, so I like to keep working on it right away. Amanda: The actual word came from me sitting right here at the bar of The Black Cat. After everything was closed and it was just staff, we were talking about people we know with severe drug problems. Somebody said, “Yeah, you know, they are like a total routineer (pronounced rou- tine-ers).” I had never heard someone use that word before. I thought it 43 ted : drums, vocals rymodee : guitar, harmonica, vocals terry : bass, vocals

This Bike Is A Pipebomb are good folk. There are plen- spare time. We got together a couple of times, had a good ty of people who love to make music, who love to travel, time and I figured it would be like most slacker bands I love to meet new folks, love to talk about their passions, had played in—we will play some music, hopefully throw and daydream about their fancies. There are plenty of a set together, and maybe play a show or two around people who talk about all these things in a bar, around a town. Rymo and Terry had much higher goals. campfire, on the couch, or in a café. They wait and they That was about ten years ago and it does not appear wait for the right time to make these ideas become a real- to me that TBIAPB is slowing down any. In fact, it seems ity, and that time never seems to come. This Bike Is A like they are packing more and more steam over the Pipebomb is a rare group of folks who talk the talk and years. I was in the band for the first year. We did more in walk the walk. They make things happen, and chances that year than most bands do in ten years. I get tired are, if they verbalize the thought, they make the idea hap- thinking about what this Bike Is A Pipebomb must have pen quickly. done in ten years. I know this firsthand. Along with the original drummer Like I said, Terry and Rymo make things happen. Scott McDonald, I was an original member of This Bike Is A Pipebomb. Like the way most bands start, our small interview by Scott Stanton : paintings by Causey talk and our similar interests led us to play music in our pictures by Saucecherry Scott: When did This Bike Is A Pipebomb start? ed to love it. It is amazing to play to people amazing. Every day we’d just look at him sit- Rymo: Well, I don’t know exactly, I think it all over the U.S. and get to talk to them about ting there in our van and say, “Whooaa. was like in what? ‘94? It was me, Terry, and issues that affect us all and learn how things That’s Spot!” He means a lot to us and to the these two guys named Scott .You being one are where they live. history of This Bike Is A Pipe Bomb and I of the Scotts, and Scott Macdonald, the Terry: I want to say how much I love these still tell everyone that the first record is my drummer, being the other Scott. Terry had no two guys after all these years of being very favorite because Spot plays on it. So idea how to play bass. squeezed into a little metal box, or cab— many successes: three full length albums, Scott: I can’t remember exactly when the front seat solidarity; those were the days— solo records for Rymodee, great shows, even band started either, but yeah, Terry learned to and learning to tour for the long haul. I think greater meals cooked for each other and play the bass quick. we’ve gone through everything together in friends we’ve made along the way, kids Rymo: I was just playing folky country such close quarters that it amazes me. telling us exciting “Pipebomb” stories, being chords behind your very Devo sounds and it Scott: Country and folk music are a big influ- asked to play protests and actions all over the got pretty loud. It was a lot different than it is ence on TBIAPB. What artists were you into? country that mean so much to us, art open- now. We brainstormed and came up with a Rymo: I was really into Johnny Cash, Hank ings and art space openings and, unfortu- name and a two- week tour in two weeks flat. Williams, Tom T. Hall, Loretta Lynn, as nately, art space closings like the 40th Street I’m really proud of that. We would play well as a lot of blues. Not just Memphis warehouse eviction party that we just played places and people would say, “Hey, how long blues, but some of the blues singers who in San Francisco, leaving shows laughing at have you been together?” We’d say, “Oh, I sang more folk songs or crooned, like Josh the fact that we were almost trampled, watch- don’t know. Two or three weeks?” We get White, Leadbelly, Jesse Fuller, Sonny Terry, ing the DIY community flourish and expand. asked about our origin a lot for some reason. and Brownie McGhee. The thing that I am most proud of is the fact Scott: I remember one of the very first things we did was pack our- selves and our equip- ment in a Gulf Power utility truck that Terry’s mama owned and we traveled over to Mobile, Alabama. We played an open mic night show there. That was fun. Who’s in This Bike Is A Pipebomb now? Rymo: It’s me, Teddy Ted, and Terry. We are from Pensacola Florida, but Ted has moved to the Bay Area of California. Me and Terry have been in the band for nine years. Teddy has been playing drums for us for around seven years. Before that, Terry and I were in This Bike Is A Pipe Bomb and it was a lot different than it is now. The old band broke up and Terry and I decid- ed to do it differently, The bottom line is our friendship. with more of a country feel. I guess me and Terry were really into old classic country at Scott: What accomplishments with TBIAPB that through it all we have not changed the the time. We wanted to do something com- are you all most proud of? way we do things. I can honestly say that it pletely different, so we just started learning Rymo: Just to see that people in states far all means and feels the same as it did in the all my folk songs and we asked Dave away know all the words and are really glad beginning—for all of us. We just played a Dondero to drum for us. It was immediately we showed up to play their town. I really felt back yard in Wyoming to six tall people and obvious that we weren’t going to be as coun- like we made a mark. about seven or eight little tiny people and it try as we thought we were, but we really Terry: Highlights from the Pipe Bomb are was the funnest show of tour! We all still get enjoyed it, so we kept it up. definitely the Alaska tour, which was crazy so excited and it makes me love touring and Ted: I used to not like the music too much, and fun. Getting to play and tour with Spot playing and so much more. but when I finally figured out the lyrics and (producer of early Bad Brains and Black Scott: What about accomplishments outside learned how to play the drums better, I start- Flag, among other accomplishments) was of the band?

45 Terry: As just a regular mortal, my proudest Baptist and actually dealt with that up to about tionalist that what we do is work, but it sure accomplishments have been making and age twenty-five or so. At times I really think takes up a lot of our time and we do occasion- keeping this wonderful circle of friends. Did there is a higher power, but I have a hard time ally get paid for it. you know that I can just pick up the phone believing in God. Scott: Our society is warped on what work is anytime I want and call Replay Dave (Grabass Terry: I do have intense religious beliefs. or isn’t and that is messed up. Damn, over the Charelstons)? I am proud of Sluggo’s (the However, they’re not traditional and very per- last nine years, you all have worked really venue that Terry’s the proprietor of), of sonal and they involve the force of will, the hard, put more time, sweat, energy and pas- course, and its evolution over fifteen years human spirit and the power of punk rock. sion into this band than a person who now has changing and mutating along with me. I’ve After all, it’s called “folk” music. It’s about his own medical or law practice, and started met and worked with so many inspiring and power in numbers and the force of will that med school the same time TBIAPB started. talented folks in those years. I count myself makes a man beat a machine and the never- You all do work hard and it sounds like you all lucky almost beyond belief. My crowning ending spirit of strong individuals who are get great rewards for yourself. That’s great. achievement is Grendel (Terry’s dog). He is going to live their lives on their terms no mat- Rymo: I guess Ted and Terry are the hardest such a wonderful character—very handsome ter what the cost. That is religion. workers. I have actually tried my whole life to in his striped suit and if you’ve never met him, Scott: Punk rock, in one sense, is just another work as little as possible. I have been a life- I encourage everyone to come to Florida and market of music created by a business that guard, burger flipper, fireman, soccer coach, hang with him. Do make an appointment needed a label to sell a product. But it is obvi- soundman, cook, dishwasher, professional though... he keeps a very busy schedule. ously something very real to you and many screen printer, but as far as touring, I think Scott: You guys tour a lot and many people other folks. What does punk rock means to they usually go unfunded. probably do not realize how much work goes you? Scott: It’s hard to find steady work when you Keep it simple and honest. That is what I have learned through the windshield of our tour van. into driving around the country playing music. Terry: When I say punk rock, I am not speak- tour a lot. It’s hard work. It’s not like a KISS lyric: “rock ing strictly about music at all. It’s a general Rymo: I think if you don’t thoroughly love and roll all night and party every day.” term I use when someone works so hard on your job, you should quit! This is ideally, Rymo: In an ideal world, labor and creativity something, anything—it could be art, it could though. Some people have to feed several should go hand in hand. be food, it could be a sewing project—for no mouths, you know, and not everyone is as Terry: We do tour a lot and have all made a reward at all except joy. I forgot about Hot lucky as I am. But, personally, I made a vow lot of effort to rearrange our lives—I think Topic and “punk rock” being played on the to not work at a job that I hated. Just think, they call that sacrifice to keep doing this. It is radio now. That’s outside of my realm. I am so eighty or probably ninety percent of great fun and nothing is better than the feeling pop culture illiterate that it’s almost embar- Americans can’t stand their fucking job. when we are playing live, all squeezed up rassing. Maybe I’ll just make up my own There’s got to be something they’d rather do. together tight on the stage, just playing for word, money be damned! In terms of a label A different job. Something they always want- each other and our friends who come to the for This Bike Is A Pipe Bomb, I think that we ed to do or wanted to learn. Work is impor- shows, laughing at each other’s mistakes and are lucky to get to play with great punk bands, tant, it really is, but right now there are just just plain having fun. The bottom line is our but we’re also allowed to play on bills with too many people out there who’d do anything friendship. I love these two guys. They are my acoustic acts or blue grass bands or whatever. for a paycheck, and I can’t be a part of that best friends and this is how we express our The fact that we sort of straddle this fence force right now. friendship. As an extension of that, we are makes our travels very interesting because the Terry: I’ve been working since I was ten. I friends because we share a lot of feelings and music that we get to enjoy every night on tour had a pretty lucrative lawn cutting business by beliefs, have very similar lifestyles, and so we is so diverse. But these are all punk to me. We the time I was twelve so I could buy school also get to express our shared beliefs and are part of that amazing community that clothes and stuff. We were pretty poor. I feel hopes for our community, this country, and allows you to travel. You know that you will lucky every day that I was instilled with such the world even. We can also register our always have a place to stay and someone will a strong work ethic because I believe a strong shared complaints. be there to offer food or let you cook food work ethic plus healthy creative streak equals Scott: Before the modern entertainment with them. You will play shows in their living I can do anything. We have toured for almost industry barged on us, music was mainly room and dance while they play and laugh and ten years and lived like kings—well, our idea based around faith, religion, and church. Folk probably sustain a head or knee injury at some of how a king would live—and Rymodee is music is quite important to y’all. Is religion? point. Punk is a crappy old van held together part of a vegan coffee shop café. I have Rymo: I am not sure I believe in a higher with a pickle jar lid that you have to hobble to Sluggo’s and Teddy is working with some power. I don’t really like to talk about reli- in the morning and drive to another show! folks in San Francisco to open an all ages gion. As much as I don’t like religion, I think We’ll probably be doing this forever. show space there. We are superheroes. it is still important for people to be able to Scott: Many folk songs were written and sung Scott: Terry, what changes have you seen in believe in whatever they want. to lighten the load or to take one’s mind off the music industry since running a music club Scott: I am just asking since music has such a the hard work they had. What laboring or jobs in the mid-1990s to now? strong tradition in religion. have you all done over the years to finance Terry: So many disappointments; watching Rymo: Religion is pretty important to me, but your tours or pay your bills? music turn into a giant business that tricks I’m not religious at all. I grew up a Southern Terry: It would be hard to convince the tradi- people and destroys the true voice of inspira-

46 tion. We’ve watched so many of our friends get swallowed up. Kids shouldn’t have to pay ten or fifteen dollars to see their favorite punk bands and CDs shouldn’t cost twenty dollars. Let’s face it, they only cost one dollar to make. It’s utter robbery. We are not a part of that and never will be. Scott: Well, giant business is not a new thing in the music business, but I guess it is a new thing that has crept into the “underground world” of music that we are involved in. CD costs are insane with no doubt, but I think when all costs are factored in from recording, to packaging, to production, to touring around to sell the CD, it costs a little more than one dollar. Five dollars for a touring band is a very fair price for everyone involved. Terry: It’s sad, but it has taught me much about the music business. Seeing things from this side for so long and knowing that it does- n’t have to be lavish. Keep it simple and hon- est. That is what I have learned through the windshield of our tour van. Scott: In 1959 and 1960 Alan Lomax returned to the South and recorded the traditions of our country. He recorded blues, ballads, hymns, reels, shouts, chanteys, and work songs. In that tradition, suppose you had to gather field recordings from the American South. In the spirit of Alan, where would you all go and who would you record for this project? Rymo: Were you hoping I’d say he should record us or something? No, I don’t think he’d be interested. There is some limited punk stuff that is interesting in that vein, that isn’t just “fun” or “awesome,” but is unheard and would be con- sidered important in fifty years. I’d stay away Rymo: Man, I think about that a lot. There’s and record stores in Denver and Gainesville, from all the punk jug bands, probably. I don’t nobody sharing songs they heard or writing and collectives in St. Louis and Pittsburgh to know. Should I record people doing amazing anything in that style anymore. You can’t go find the songs of protest now. As the under- new things, or doing renditions of folk songs to prisons or small Mississippi towns with a current of dissent for corporatization and the they downloaded on the internet? I don’t know if tape recorder and hit paydirt. I think a lot of self-appointed presidential puppet and war it would really be appreciated on a true folk cir- stuff is good on the streets, though, like some and murder for oil grows and gets more cuit. It is not like it was before. Maybe I’d go to street performers and some one man bands. I vocal, punks and anarchists and every other some small towns in Mississippi, like the delta, think with the idea like Lomax, one would form of radical are using music as a form of and record freestyle hip hop artists. That would have to wait another thirty years and find organizing and constituting their communities be nice, to see the difference eighty to ninety some of the original hip hop guys from the so their voices can be heard. As the gap years has made in the delta dance scene. late ‘70s and early ‘80s and record them or between rich and poor gets wider so does the Scott: Well, I was not really thinking about you something. There’s nothing much now. distance ol’ Alan would have to travel. all, but why the heck not? Y’all are just plain Scott: Yeah, I agree completely. I would love Scott: Over the years, have you seen gender folks playing songs for enjoyment and doing to hear some of Grandmaster Flash’s (Joseph roles change in your scene? what you can to make it through the day. I think Saddler) very first experiments with his Rymo: Oh, definitely. At least at a first that is what I like most about those field record- turntables. Now that was truly groundbreak- glance, anyone looking in could see that more ings. The important thing is that it captured the ing and genius back in 1974! I wonder and I and more women are involved and that is real- feelings of these folks and the day they lived in. bet people thought he was a fool back then. ly cool. But even deeper than that, women are We all have a story to tell and some tell it Terry: Alan Lomax would have a much big- in bands, in charge of distros, teaching class- through music. Tracy (Scott’s wife) and I ger job today than before in terms of finding es, and making this whole thing a community recorded some “old timer” relative folks in the the roots music, protest music, and songs of instead of a bunch of dudes in bands. Florida Panhandle area. We really wanted to freedom and oppression. He simply had to Scott: Looking back over the years, I liked capture some of their music and their talking travel the Mississippi River delta to discover punk music and the scene because it seemed before they die off. It was amazing! They just all those beautiful songs and players then. like it was open to anyone. There was some- sat around at the end of the day, yelled out a key Now he would have to buy a Greyhound thing smart about it. It was nice to hear impor- to play the tune in, and they would let loose with Ameripass and travel coast to coast to base- tant topics addressed in a song rather than the music and words. ments in Seattle and Portland and Kalamazoo, stuff on the radio. But I look back and there was no shortage of sexist, homophobic, and side to it. The Pensacola high racist music that was tolerated in the punk class have no idea that they are rock scene. I can’t believe some of the lyrics I backwards rednecks. would hear and I did not question it. I just fig- Scott: Earlier, when we were ured they must be cool people writing and talking about work, you all said singing. I never thought, “Hey, these are red- something about your restaurants necks in disguise wearing the punk rock uni- and cafes in Pensacola. Tell me form.” I know things have gotten much better, about that. but do you all see remainders or new breeds of Rymo: Actually, Terry and I these folks at your shows or in the scene? each own separate vegan restau- Rymo: Not nearly as much as I used to. Not rants. Hers is Sluggo’s which is just in mainstream America, but even in the also one of the main venues in punk scene in the South, nobody was ever town, and ours is End of the shocked or pissed off about homophobia or Line, which is also a coffee shop sexism. I think whenever you don’t under- and small venue. It’s really cool. stand something, a lot of people’s first reac- When Terry first reopened tion is to make fun of it, or even belittle it, and Sluggo’s, we were like, “Oh no, I think the punk scene has, for the most part we’re doomed! Two vegan anyway, jumped a lot of hurdles like that. restaurants in redneck There is always room for improvement, but I Pensacola?,” but it works really think we are definitely on the right path. well. We all love each other’s Scott: You all worked with Tim Kerr on your food and we’re all good friends. last album (Three Way Tie for a Fifth). The We each have our own regular Big Boys are one of my all time favorite customers and a lot of people bands. How was it working with Tim Kerr? love both places. I get really Rymo: It was great hanging out with Tim excited just thinking that both of in 1990 there wasn’t much of that going on. I Kerr. We never had anyone want to “produce” our places are doing well. It gets a little awk- made some great friends who I am still very our record, and we weren’t really sure what it ward at times, because our two places are kind close to, to this day. The best thing that ever meant, but it was pretty cool. We butted heads of spread apart, and sometimes events or happened to me ever was I went out and bought a couple of times, and it got pretty stressful. I planned meals will overlap, but it always a guitar. The military has a lot to do with my can be pretty stubborn, especially when it seems to work out and we are always excited songwriting in that aspect alone. In a lot of my comes to my songs. He’s a really amazing guy, about what the other restaurant is doing just as songs I try not to seem as though I have the answer, and sometimes I have had to come right out and say, you know, I made a mistake, too. Punk is a crappy old van held We have a song about our friend who joined the navy and then the next thing you know he’s a together with a pickle jar lid fighter pilot. Fuck. But, hey, I joined for the G.I. bill so I could go to college. All along, I knew that you have to hobble to in the the military was stupid and I could have been sent to a damn war or something. morning and drive to another show! Scott: Let’s talk about the unusual touring and we’re all really happy with the record. much as our own. It’s really fucking sweet. vehicles you all have had. Terry: Working with Tim Kerr was an honor Scott: Let us know something we don’t know Rymo: Our first vehicle was a van that broke and a pleasure. The man is about as sweet as and would not expect from you all? down in the middle of Florida and we did the key lime pie and helped us in the kindest but Rymo: I served in the Air Force for two and a dumbest thing we ever did. We traded it in on “No, I’m not kiddin’” kind of way. His house half years as a fireman. a new van. is a punk rock museum and he is also a great Scott: You were in the Air Force? What is it Scott: Lordy, I do remember that. That is one painter. (He painted the cover of that record.) with the armed forces and great country of those stories that I remember and think Hey Scott, remember when we first met Tim singers? I’m thinking about Johnny Cash, back and see how determined you all are. If I Kerr? It was so long ago. Kris Kristofferson, and Rymodee. Elvis wore can, let me reflect. That was our first U.S. tour Scott: We met Tim way back? It’s all a fog to the uniform as well. That is one extreme to the and it was going to be two months long. me. I remember seeing and meeting him when other for you; going from a point in life where Anyhow, I remember our ol’ Ford Econoline he was in a band called Bad Mutha Goose you have to obey authority for honor and van named Midi that decided to quit just two back in my skateboarding days. He was tied in country, to a life of writing songs that fight days into that tour. I remember that like it was with Zorlac skateboards. It is a small world. authority and question your country. What yesterday: sitting in the parking lot of a car lot Tell us about your, and my, good ol’ home- does your military experience play in your at 12:30 AM in Vero Beach, FL. We were talk- town of Pensacola. Why is it unique? song writing? ing out our options and the idea of buying a Rymo: I think we have about three songs Rymo: Being in the military was probably new van came up. I thought, “Y’all can’t be from Pensacola. Ted Bundy was caught here one of the worst things to ever happen to me. serious,” and, “How in the heck would we and there’s a lot of albino squirrels. It’s a It was really bad times and I was getting into pull that off?” Then Terry explained a five- small town, and you know there’s not much a lot of trouble for my hair length and my year plan for the band and a plan to pay off the going on here, but the people are nice and I childish attitude. But some great things hap- new van in that time. Five years flashed in love it. But like most towns, it has another pened to me too. I met some young kids in a front of my head and I just about had a panic side that is not so friendly. A very good ol’ boy punk band, and in Grand Forks, North Dakota 49 In an ideal world, labor and creativity should go hand in hand. attack. Even though we had surpassed this idea Scott: What was the seller of that van like? doing that for years. There was this band months earlier, I was still in the frame of mind Rymo: We were in kind of a bind, and like called Dead Things who have done it also. I that this was just a spare time band. I remem- usual, it was about a week or two before tour still really, really want to do that. ber it clearly. I said, “Count me out. I cannot and we didn’t have a van. We were looking at Scott: What are some ups and downs of tour- pay for this. I can’t even pay for a can of beans RVs, trucks, classic old RVs, you name it. ing you all have faced? at this point.” I felt like I was in deep. Well, we Terry was driving down some random street Ted: Alaska was amazing. We brought Tate and got that van somehow and that’s just another on the west side and saw this crazy looking Craig D with us. The van kept breaking down, story that proves that you all make things hap- beast of a van with a for sale sign on it and ran so I stayed busy. I had to put a used transmis- pen. Gosh, I remember us searching for a blood and told me. The owner was this old, retired sion in at a lodge we played. I did this in the bank in Salt Lake City, so we could meet that navy man who just one day up and decided to parking lot. As soon as I finished, we drove fifty month’s van payments. That happened to be a weld an entire back room onto his already hours straight to Elkford, Canada only to miss tour that Ted did not go on. See what happens huge van. He was a vitamin salesman and right our show by half an hour. We woke up the next when Ted is not there? We had to get a van that at the last minute after we paid for the van and day and played to some kids at 10 AM. We’ve wouldn’t break down. Thank God for Ted! Hey hopped in, he tried to make us pray and we seen so much of America. We have seen lots of Ted, you are quite the auto repairman. How do peeled out. swimming holes and punk houses. We have you keep those touring automobiles going and Scott: I know the origins of the touring taxi, seen the Grand Canyon, rooftops, junkyards, when did you learn that skill? but tell us about the Ramen Cab. mountains. You get the picture. Ted: I think it’s in my blood. When I was nine, Rymo: Our friend Skott Cowgill obtained an Rymo: One of the biggest ups for me is we I took my bike apart and my parents freaked old, used cab and got some professional letter- weren’t very popular in our hometown but we out. I told them I just needed some part to put ing put on it that said Ramen Cab and he would go to some odd, tiny town in the mid- it back together. They humored me, and lo and would give people rides for free or for ramen. dle of nowhere and kids we never met were behold, I put it back together. I guess then I He moved out to California and left the car to singing along to our songs. They were just realized forever I would fix the world one rot. A tour was about to happen in a week or really excited that we made it to their town. I machine at a time. We have had a lot of busted- two and Teddy decided he could fix up the could have stopped playing right then and ass vans. As the band’s mechanic I have had to cab, if only we could all sit in the front seat. there, you know. I think that’s all I ever want- fix many Dodges, two Fords—one mini and Lots of people started weird rumors, and to ed. Probably the coolest thing that ever hap- one full-sized—I fixed an ‘84 Chevy Impala this day there are a few people who think we pened to us on tour was when we played an taxi cab, The Ramen Cab, and I think some actually paid a cabbie to drive us on tour with Indian reservation, we’ve played a few, but we mini trucks and rental cars as well. My favorite the meter running and stuff! played in Chinle, Arizona and went to their was The Ramen Cab that our friend Skott gave Scott: You all talked about doing a tour on canyon instead of the Grand Canyon. It was to us when he moved to California. I rebuilt the bikes. You planned on carrying the amps and called the Canyon de Chelly and these Navajo transmission in my bedroom and we packed it whatever else you would need on a bike-trail- punks took us down there and told us all the full of our stuff and we piled into the front seat. er attached to the bike. Have you all done this? legends of the Anasazi and all the history of That’s where “front seat solidarity” came from. Rymo: Honestly, I can’t imagine the band ever the land. Rymo: We toured in a van with a huge, ugly breaking up until we do that bike tour. At the Scott: Not many bands get that kind of experience. welded room on the back that looked like the time we thought of it, we had never heard of Rymo: Some of the downers are the argu- space shuttle or Tennessee. We like to arrive in anyone doing a tour on their bikes, but there is ments you get into on the road with your best style and that van had a “Dixie”’ horn. Shit. a band called Bicycle and they have been friends over the stupidest things. 50 Scott: What social concerns do you all we are a pretty funny outfit. I like being band is one I’ll never hear. They’re deep in the address as a band? around you guys. forest playing right now. I can’t hear it, but Ted: Well, my biggest concern is the general Scott: We have talked about a culture close to our that does not mean it’s not being played. public’s ability to believe everything the hearts. Care to take a poke at popular culture? Ted: I’ve recently realized that music works media and the government tells them. I’m not Rymo: Pop music is just a button to push, you in cycles. As I get old, I hear the radio and say, saying we all need to revolt, but it’s time we know? I got a standard answer about pop “This shit sucks.” Then I listen to the oldies join in on the decision making in this country. music. It just sucks, and nobody wants it any station and realize, that old shit was just as Go to a city council meeting. Send letters to different, instead of just figuring out how you dumb as the new shit. I think as the population government officials about your concerns. yourself want it to be or how you could grows there are just more people willing to lis- Stop supporting media-controlling businesses. change it. I do get excited about pop culture ten to crap. The underground will always be Basically, start doing what is right, not what every now and then. I think about movies that the underground and in cycles it becomes pop. you are told. are about how sad everyone is and they don’t That way, us punks can always be bitter. Rymo: A lot of young kids go to our shows, even know it, like Fight Club or American Scott: As of now, what music brings you joy? like fifteen to twenty-year-olds, but there are a Beauty. To me, they seem like they are trying Ted: Tough question. There are a lot of bands lot of people our age, like thirty to forty. I hon- to wake up Americans and I like that. that we play with on the road. That is about estly think the best thing I can offer them is Scott: I think I know what you’re saying. the only new music I know. I’ll just name a letting them know that you can still do this and Yeah, take what you can get. But we are in sad few: Carrie Nations, Allergic to Bullshit, have fun. Do something different at our age, state of affairs when we need a wake-up call Shotwell, The Bananas, Sexy, Grabass not that we’re that old. The kids are always from Hollywood. Charlestons, One Reason, the Visitations, the like, “Whoa, you could be our parents. That’s Rymo: I know I just sound like an old, jaded Can Kickers, o Madeline, Japanther, R3, so cool!” guy all the time, but, seriously, nobody is AC/DC, David Dondero… Scott: What motivates you all to be in the interested in what happened in their own Scott: Any final words? band this long? “scene” or culture or family or even their own Terry: If any one can book a show for us in Ted: Touring Alaska. town, like five, ten years ago. I bet the only Vermont, New Hampshire, or Hawaii. Those Rymo: For me, it’s all I can do. Plus it’s what scene left to “discover” America’s new music are the only states we haven’t played. I wanted to do with my life when I was a kid. would be stuff on subways, you know, people You know, just play dumb ass songs even playing songs for spare change. You’ll hear This Bike Is A Pipebomb, when you’re old and nobody cares anymore. I the best sounds like that. 720 Pickens, Pensacola, FL 32501 get pretty motivated by Terry and Ted. Really, Scott: I sometimes think the best music or the oBSERVERSIt was really easy for me to not want to have heroes because all my heroes are total idiots. Do you ever notice the sky during the calm period before a storm? It’s not raining or anything yet, but if you look off in the distance, you can see the dark clouds spilling towards you and you know you’re in for some nasty weather. That’s sort of what the Observers sound like: ominous, foreboding, and not necessarily confrontational, but just enough to set you on edge. They reflect a sentiment felt by many of us, a sense that the world is crumbling around us and that we might not be here tomorrow, but we still keep going, if for no other reason than to prove that we can. Between the ground-swelling rhythm section and the ethereal singing and guitar-playing, the desperation in their collective voice is rarely equaled in music. Their legend is forming as we speak; don’t wait twenty years for some American Hardcore book to mythologize them. Participate. Doug: vocals Interview by Josh Kashani: guitar Photos by Megan Pants Colin: bass and Todd Taylor Mike: drums

Josh: How many different bands are each of and what they can do. There are all these Todd wrote. That was really flattering. you in? people that will dress like him and try to act Doug: Obviously, I like the record. As far as Mike: Why don’t you give him the latest the way they think he acts or something like the music goes, I’m happy with the album, count, there, Colin? that, and you just end up getting a lot of peo- but to get that sort of response is… I don’t Colin: I’m in eight bands. ple who aren’t themselves and a lot of music know the person who expects that. Who Mike: Only eight? that’s already been done before. actually thinks, “I made this awesome record Colin: Eight that have played out. Mike: If you’re too caught up in what other and I know everybody’s going to rave about Mike: I’m in three at present. people are doing, you’re missing out on your it and it’s going to sell out.” Who does that? Doug: Just one. own history. Josh: A lot of people do. Kashani: Three. Doug: [in funny voice] Just be yourself, man! Doug: The sad thing is that they do. Yeah, Josh: Do you find it hard to be in so many Kashani: I like to have heroes. I have many it’s pretty amazing. bands, like you have to cancel an Observers heroes, people who I like to fantasize about. Kashani: It’s kind of like we just threw it show so Mike can go to Assisted Living The thing is, when I was younger, my two together, it seems like. I put more effort into put- Dracula practice? big heroes were Johnny Thunders and ting together a guitar demo in 1998. [laughter] Mike: Oh, I guess that’s four bands. No, it’s Indiana Jones. One is the big survivor, with Doug: Just for the record, I don’t feel like I never been a problem. It’s what I love doing, the ball running after him and all that, and threw it together. that’s why I do it. then Johnny Thunders is the anti-survivor, Mike: “We didn’t really put in any time Josh: What do you get out of being in the the kind of guy who’s bent on self-destruc- or effort.” Observers that you don’t get out of the tion. So you have both sides. Doug: “Nobody worked on it.” other bands? Colin: It was really easy for me to not want Josh: Completely changing the subject, Kashani: Nothing! [laughter] to have heroes because all my heroes are when was the last time a grown man shit his Mike: This band tours more than any of my total idiots. I’m a huge Misfits fan [laughter], pants and showed it to you? other bands, and I like that a lot. and talking with Glenn Danzig for an hour Mike: That would have to be in early Doug: Do you guys need me to leave the would be the most horrific “let’s do coke off February or late January in Austin, Texas, room and then you can answer? a stripper’s ta-ta’s” conversation. I just don’t when a grown man did, in fact, shit his pants Josh: Doug, why do you think it’s unhealthy want to talk to them. I like the music that and showed it to me. Mr. Patrick Costello to have heroes? they make, but it makes it easy to not want to from the Dillinger Four and I were playing in Doug: I think that, too often, people will just talk to them. a band in Austin, where we spent a large part end up emulating their heroes to the point Josh: Were you guys surprised at all by the of our time drinking and sitting around our where they just become copycats or they put response that you’ve gotten? The album sold friend Ben’s living room. At one point, too much stock in what other people do. I out the first couple of pressings pretty quick. Paddy, as he put it, “Gambled on a fart and kind of think that we’re all the same, that It made a lot of people’s top ten lists at the lost,” and then decided to drop trou and dis- we’re all just people. I don’t like when peo- end of the year… play his… yeah. ple worship a band or a person. For example, Mike: Floored. Doug: I’m impressed. take a band like Social Distortion. So many Colin: Absolutely. Josh: Can you give me a rough estimate of people look up to Mike Ness, but there’s Mike: Totally taken aback. how much beer and hamburger meat you really no difference between what he’s done Colin: It’s really weird, like that review that guys went through?

53 How do you guys avoid Q:being dogmatic? I just think that's A: funny. An automatic dog.

Mike: We bought a ten-pound pack of ham- Stuff like that. burger meat that we thought was $1.49 but Josh: If you could was actually $1.49 a pound [laughter], and think back to high then beer… twenty-five cases of Lone Star, school and replace give or take. any book that you Josh: And that’s in how much time? had to read with Mike: Two weeks. any book you want, Josh: What makes you guys feel like you what would it be? can’t look yourselves in the face? Colin: I would Doug: That song, “Lead Pill,” that’s about take out All’s Quiet being at that stage in your life where you feel on the Western you’re pretty much a complete failure at Front and put in everything you try. The idea that maybe Get in the Van. you’ve been on this course your whole life, Josh: Why? where you’re doomed to fail and everyone Colin: There’s a around you knew it but nobody’s ever told whole different you, so you’ve ended up going way past the kind of war. point of no return and you realize, “Oh, wow, There’s one that I’ll have pretty much nothing would have read a lot earlier in my life. I’m never going to succeed at this thing,” for to do with in my lifetime, but there’s also Gravity’s Rainbow. It took me about a year to whatever reason: character flaws or intelli- one’s that I definitely will. All’s Quiet, I did- finish, like an eight hundred page novel or gence or whatever. That song’s about that n’t get all the way through it, to be honest, but something, and it’s all stream-of-conscious- moment of just realizing that you’ve failed. it’s about life in the trenches and fighting a ness. It was written by Thomas Pynchon. I Josh: That’s a pretty depressing follow-up to war whether you believe in it or not. I’m not was probably reading Lord of the Flies when Paddy shitting his pants. [laughter] Colin, ever really gonna go to war. I’d go to Canada I was fourteen, but if I had read Gravity’s you’re an interviewer? first or something. I don’t like it. I do like Rainbow when I was fourteen, I’d be a com- Colin: Yes. I interview a host of people, real- being in touring bands, and Get in the Van by pletely different prophet. I would have been ly. It’s also the same job that our friend Henry Rollins is this tour diary from being in awesome. Kashani holds and Doug once held, at a place Black Flag. It’s okay to go crazy [laughter], Josh: How do you think you would have called BN Research in Portland, Oregon. it’s okay to live off Snickers bars or live off been different? Surveys and focus groups, mainly. nothing. You don’t need anybody to survive Kashani: I just think that the way my brain Josh: About what? in these situations. I didn’t finish that one all would have functioned would have been Kashani: It’s top secret. the way, either. [laughter] I left it on a completely maneuvered and realigned. Colin: A host of topics, really. [laughter] Greyhound somewhere between Los Angeles Think of my brain as an automobile. It would Josh: Like, “Are you satisfied with the size and Portland. If I had read it in high school… have been like a mechanic, a really good one. of your penis?” Josh: Whoa. Mike: How do you follow that up? I’ve Colin: I am, but that’s not what I ask them Colin: Whole thing. never read a book. about. [laughter] Banfield Pet Hospital is our Doug: I don’t know what I’d replace them Doug: Mike reads pornography. lead client. We survey their customers and with but I’d definitely get rid of all the Emily Josh: So Mike, you hitchhiked from see how satisfied they are. For example, Brontë novels that I had to read, Wuthering Arkansas to Texas? “Are you very satisfied, somewhat satisfied, Heights and all that crap. No time for that. Mike: Oklahoma. I went with my friend somewhat dissatisfied, or very dissatisfied?” Kashani: There’s this book that I wish I Lew and we hitchhiked from Oklahoma City 55 to Austin. It took us two days, five rides, and it Mike: Zinester… was slow goings but no problems. I’m sure it Colin: People from Alabama who I don’t real- was a funny sight, Lew and I in matching hood- ly care for and think their glasses are kind of less red sweatshirts, like crewneck sweatshirts, old hat…[laughter] the with our thumbs out. His said “The Ergs!” real Doug: Yeah, even people in the punk rock big on the front and I just looked like a retard in scene, there’s all these idiots, but then you mine. We really don’t have as many shocking meet these really awesome individuals in hitchhiking stories as one might think. Didn’t every town, too. That’s what keeps us going have to felate any truckers. and makes it worth it. Josh: Didn’t have to… Mike: Finding people who are fighting the Mike: No, all of them willfully. same fight, here and abroad. Josh: In what ways have we been trivialized? Josh: How does growing old leave you noth- Doug: I like that idea of everything being ing to believe in? oBS oversimplified. Like by our government, for Colin: You love asking those questions, example, they want us to believe that every- don’t you? thing’s really black and white. Right now, with Josh: You talk shit during bowling. This is the wars that we’re engaged in, it’s sort of that what happens. whole thing where they’re like, “Gotta get the Doug: Payback! evildoers. There’s an axis of evil.” And it’s Colin: Racist. [laughter] really simple like that. Our lives are being triv- Doug: That’s a song about a relationship, a ialized because we’re the ones losing our lives guy and a girl breaking up. Basically, they’re over this really bullshit war on the idea of ter- breaking up because they found that they’re ror. That’s what the song “Paralyzer” is about. getting older and the thrill is gone and they’ve Mike: I didn’t write the lyrics, but my take on grown apart. I could get more in detail but I a line like that is taking matters of life and don’t know if I will. The idea of growing old death and reducing them to good and evil, leaving nothing to believe in… when you’re these fictitious notions that don’t have any younger, you’re more optimistic about things. bearing on our lives. For example, with this particular relationship, Doug: It’s that whole idea of somebody like right off the bat people were probably like, George Bush. To him, our lives are expend- “That’s not going to work because there’s this able for this thing that he’s trying to do or for obvious difference between the two people,” this money that he’s trying to make. but when they were at the beginning of it, they Josh: What’s the theme of the band? really believed that there was a way that it Kashani: I want to say dementia. would work out. Then years into it, they’re not Doug: There’s a couple of themes that I’m as optimistic about it. They realize that there going for. I like to think that we’re a band that are big differences and it has to end. just focuses on the human experience. Mike: Clearly hypothetical. However, I think what happens a lot is that Colin: What was her name, Doug? because many of the lyrics or general tone of Doug: I will say this: it is not about me. the songs and artwork deal with depression and Josh: What impact has Portland had on the band. isolation, some people really get hung up on What does it offer that other cities might not? that and think of us as this really dark, depress- Mike: I find it motivating. The music scene ing band, but I’ve never really felt like that. I there is one of the best that I’ve ever encoun- think that’s just the way everybody feels. The tered. Being a part of that is inspiration to do happiest people you know and the most what we do as hard as we can. depressed people you know have these feel- Doug: There’s just so many really inspiring ings. Everybody has these feelings. It’s just that bands to have come out of Portland in the last 5 not everybody talks about them. People hide it years or so. There’s a lot to draw from and it’s in different ways. With all the songs, I try to a very diverse scene. One thing that I really like touch on everything—death, life, love, politics, about Portland is that there aren’t too many and everything like that—things that every- bands doing the same exact thing. It seems that body deals with on a day-to-day basis. about five to 7 years ago, a lot of people moved Mike: And chicks. to Portland from other places, Texas, Idaho, Doug: Chicks and babes. And drugs and rock- Bellingham, all over the place. That’s when a ’n’roll and party time. lot of cool bands formed made up of these peo- Mike: And funny sunglasses. ple with such different backgrounds. Josh: What gives you guys hope? Eventually, you got the Triggers, the Hunches, Doug: The weather’s nice. Mike: Meeting like-minded people. the Minds, the Diskords, Electric Eye, Plan R, Josh: How do you guys think you avoid being Doug: Yeah, where even if you feel like The Riffs, Riot Cop, the Epoxies, and the dogmatic? you’re greatly outnumbered, just to know that Exploding Hearts, all playing the same shows Mike: We just don’t answer questions about there’s at least a small underground. It’s really or always playing with each other. That made our lyrics. nice touring a lot and in every town, you still Portland’s scene so interesting, and I’ve defi- Kashani: I just think that’s funny. An auto- meet all the same idiots that you have at home. nitely left out so many other bands, too. matic dog. Whether that’s just your typical frat boy or… Mike: Also, Portland has good doughnuts. Mike: It’s not something that we consciously SERVERS

avoid, but it’s not something that we’ve ever Mike: I think it’s the most accurate one. Most Mike: Also, some nutjob (Todd Taylor) been accused of. people in the band disagree. referred to it as “nearly operatic.” Doug: “Am I avoiding being dogmatic?” Doug: I agree. There are similarities. Nothing Doug: Yeah, that was weird. Mike: Next question, please. God. against Shawn Stern or Youth Brigade, but I Kashani: There was a Morrissey comparison. Josh: What’s the strangest thing Doug’s voice don’t get that excited about that, because I Doug: Morrissey and Danzig. I don’t think I has ever been compared to? hear it a lot and I’d rather not be compared to sound like either one at all. I just think Kashani: There was a live review that com- anyone, but I hear what they’re saying. We I get compared to guys in punk bands pared him to Shawn Stern of Youth Brigade. have a similar range. who sing as opposed to yell.

57 Interview by Ryan Leach and Mor Fleisher Pictures by Jenny Lens and Pau Roess er Rawl Power

In 1978, The Screamers were the biggest punk band in Los Angeles. Through Bowie-like media manipulation, image, and intelligence, The Screamers built a following before they played a single note. + + + Like The Germs, a combination of theatrics and continues to play with Hagen and Mike Watt cool Rastafari movies where the Rastafaris are superb songwriting made them the darlings of (Minutemen, fIREHOSE). When not busy portrayed as these saintly, in-the-woods, pot the original L.A. punk scene. Unlike The touring, Paul can be found producing and smoking guys and marijuana was really impor- Germs, The Screamers never released a studio recording (on the day of this interview, he was tant to me at the time. I really related to it. I met record, and so their legacy continues to live on putting the final touches on some Josie Cotton a bunch of Rastas there, but when I started in L.A. punk aficionados. Rough demos and songs). A complete listing of all the bands Paul reading about the religion behind it and hang- live recordings surface periodically, testifying has been in would fill a phone book, but it’s ing out with them, I realized that there were to just how formidable a band The Screamers The Screamers he’s most remembered for, and some things with the Rastas that were hard for were. The Screamers were truly original—the for good reason. To paraphrase Jello Biafra, me to swallow. I thought that there was an closest comparison being the minimalism and “The Screamers were the greatest band never intense misogyny that went on, and any kind of experimentation of The Velvet Underground signed.” Paul is very amiable, intelligent and is dogmatic religion is hard for me to swallow. I combined with blaring keyboards and synthe- a big proponent of staying drug-free; he’s cur- liked that they were rebels and the way they sizers. And that’s just for one short period of rently in school to become a drug counselor. were portrayed in the movies; that they have the band’s supernova existence. Much respect. —Ryan some kind of spiritual wisdom that they backed The makeup of The Screamers was near per- up with machine guns. Dreadlocks meant fect. In main songwriter and synthesizer player Ryan: How did you and your family end up something different, though. I’m willing to talk Tommy Gear, The Screamers gained sharp wit. living in the Caribbean? about dreadlocks because I had them for so Front man Tomata Du Plenty was absolutely Paul: Well, I was eleven and Kira was eight. long—like twenty-five years. There are these mesmerizing, both vocally and visually. My dad was the head of the computer center at ladies getting $600 haircuts and I think it looks Drummer K.K. Barrett provided the minimalist Yale University. It was an intense lifestyle and horrible. It just seemed like such conspicuous beat needed to hold The Screamers together; I guess he sort of fulfilled a dream. I always consumption. So I had hair that I didn’t do any- and in keyboard player Paul Roessler, the band suspected that there was some dark secret thing to, and it’s a big “fuck you” to society. had one of the most talented musicians on the involved in that, but the way it was proposed to Ryan: What were you into before punk hit? L.A. punk scene. And by 1981, they were gone. us was, “Oh, I’m just following my dreams of Paul: My dad was into classical music when I Not with a bang, but a whimper. Adding to their being an underwater photographer in the was really little. I remember listening to obscurity is their almost complete unaccount- Caribbean.” My parents got divorced about Wagner and Harry Parch. My mom liked folk ability: Tommy Gear simply disappeared off five years after that, so there was probably music. When I was six they got me all the the music map; K.K. Barrett now has a suc- some kind of trouble in paradise. There could Peter, Paul and Mary records. For a long time I cessful career in the movie industry; and tragi- have been some friction between my parents thought that was cheesy until I learned that cally, the beloved Du Plenty died of AIDS in that they thought that was going to cure. Peter, Paul and Mary are a commercialized ver- 2000, leaving Roessler the only Screamer still Ryan: Is that where you got into reggae music? sion of very deep-rooted folk music. Actually, I active in music. Paul: You seem to have some misplaced idea think that helped me develop a sense of melody In the end, The Screamers’ complete disre- that I’m crazy about reggae music. and an appreciation of folk music that bounced gard for conformity and stagnation proved to Ryan: You did have dreadlocks for awhile. off the classical music my Dad listened to. be their unraveling. They did things on their Paul: Dreadlocks never really meant reggae Peter, Paul and Mary did a lot of Bob Dylan own creative terms; both musically, The music. What happened with reggae music was songs. I remember being seven years old and Screamers never had a guitarist or bassist; and after The Screamers broke up, I started playing looking at their records and going, “Wow, all in business, turning down multiple record with Nina Hagan and she had dreadlocks. I had my favorite songs are written by B. Dylan!” deals. Unfortunately, these admirable attributes never seen dreadlocks and I looked at her and And then I got into Bob Dylan. I also had an are not conducive to longevity, and without a went, “Oh my god, your hair is so cool. What uncle who would give me a record on my birth- proper record, The Screamers have been dealt a the fuck did you do to it?” When we moved to day and Christmas. He gave me The Band, hard hand by time. New York I was playing with her and we went Deja Vu and Sgt. Peppers. I really loved Frank After The Screamers, Paul played with Nina and saw some cool movies. We saw The Zappa. I was taking piano lessons from the time Hagen. He’s released several solo albums, and Harder They Come and Rockers. These were I was eight, so as my musical skills progressed,

58 I went through this immature phase where I wanted com- plexity. Being a keyboard player, I got into Yes and ELP. Ryan: And that’s what led to Arc Squared? Paul: Yeah, I was in a prog phase at about sixteen. We lived in the Bay Area for a couple of years after the Caribbean. My parents got divorced and we moved to L.A. I didn’t know anybody when we moved out to Los Angeles. I started smok- ing a lot of pot and listening to a lot of prog rock. I met some guys in jazz band at school who had an Alice Cooper cover band. That band broke up and they said they wanted to do an originals band. So I started composing for that band and I wrote a concept album. Usually, people are just stoned and say they want to write a concept album, but I actually went and wrote one. I’m kind of proud of it. I was sixteen and I spent the next couple of years trying to get people to learn how to play it. People would try and lose their minds. Mor: How did you get into punk rock from prog rock? Paul: David Bowie. While I was working on Arc Squared I went to this special school called IPS and I met Paul Beahm, who later became Darby Crash of The Germs. We became really good friends. I was already friends with Will Matta, who wrote for Slash, and I met Pat Smear, too. There was a whole clique of us. Darby was a Bowie freak. People told me, “Don’t talk to him. He’ll brainwash you.” Darby was really into mind control and feeding people acid. He was kind of twisting people up a little bit. I immediately thought he was a really interesting person and that there was something vul- nerable and endearing to him underneath the surface of com- plete megalomania and hostility. But I think Darby was impressed that I did Arc Squared. It really wasn’t his cup of tea, but he never insulted me about it. To introduce myself to him I went [in goon voice], “Oh, so I hear you’re really into Bowie.” And he was so vicious. Then I asked him if he liked The Rolling Stones and he goes [in patronizing voice], “Oh, yeah, Mick Jagger’s really cool!” And he laughed at me, because at that point Mick Jagger was- n’t cool anymore. Darby was really impressive in how vicious and cunning he was. I followed him around and talked to him. Then I went to a punk show where The Deadbeats and The Germs were playing—Darby had invited us. The Deadbeats were this prog/punk band, so it really spoke to me. The Germs were this incredibly advanced, complicated theatre piece where the music was so secondary, but it was something that you hadn’t seen before. In high school, Paul Beahm was the new thing. The Germs would go onstage and it didn’t matter what they did. I never saw a band get on stage and their goal was to start a riot. With the Germs it was like, “We’re up here, but the audience is important, too. I’m going to talk to the audience and ask that guy if I can have his pin and ask him to get me a beer. And my friend Melissa is over there, so I’ll yell to her.” Everything that was going on in the room was part of it, and it was new and modern. Darby was fully developed at twenty. I’m still evolving and changing. That’s why there is still this legend about him—to the people he knew, he touched them. There was something weird about him. Ryan: Being a classically trained pianist, did you have any reservations about what role you could play in the punk scene? Top: Paul today, in the Secondmen Paul: Probably a little bit. I remember reading a Slash article— Above: The Screamers, 1978 it was an interview with Charlotte Caffey (Go-Go’s)—and she © Jenny Lens Punk Archive, www.jennylens.net said that she started out playing classical piano. I had a big crush on her! And then I started playing drums. I had a feeling I would do things like take a street sign with pickups attached to it The Screamers, 1978 © Jenny Lens Punk Archive and roll dice on it and play it www.jennylens.net through a fuzz box. +++ that it would come around. As important and beginning—I was the hired guy for the first six image, which comes from post-modernism, influential as punk rock was on me, I knew noth- months—and they did an interview with Bowie, and Andy Warhol. They controlled how ing stays the same. And then four months later, Flipside and Tommy Gear just shredded their people saw them. And Darby got a lot of his The Screamers happened. I knew keyboards questions: “Is that really what you want to information from Scientology and philosophy. wouldn’t be gone forever. know?” “Is that what your readership really If your band is being controlled by you through Ryan: Was it the theatrics or the music of The wants to read about?” It just became a really advertising, you have a hold on your public Screamers that interested you the most? hostile situation. It was incredible. Tommy had persona. That’s something that is very direct. Paul: Well, the amazing thing about The this real hostility and Tomata was a sweet per- Tommy was really influenced by a book called Germs is if they did all that theatre stuff and son. K.K. was more of a livewire, a really edgy Winning through Intimidation, which is a busi- they sucked, they wouldn’t have had any stay- guy. There was a lot of talent in that band. And ness book. If your band is a business entity con- ing power. The Germs lyrics I can really pon- their first keyboard player, David Browne, I trolled through intimidation, that’s a very sharp der. “I’m a Lexicon Devil with a battered didn’t get the final story about how they split, arrow pointing at the public. And Darby had brain.” And what’s a Lexicon Devil? It’s a but he was amazing. I was really young. I was this thing about, “Oh, I’m going to kill myself, Devil of words. And Pat was a great, talented, eighteen or nineteen, and those guys were so everything I do will be colored later. And brilliant musician. He wrote great chord pro- twenty-five or twenty-six, and Tomata was thir- when I die, if nobody likes me now, I’m going gressions. The Screamers also had really good ty, and they were smart as fuck. They had to construct just the right story so when I die songs. Songs like “Better World” and “Eva enough life experience to just shut me down. I it’s like, ‘Fuck.’” Braun.” “Eva Braun” was such a super simple could never hold up my end in an argument. I Ryan: Did you have any inkling that he was song. And “Vertigo,” which is the silliest pop was the kid and if I decided that I wanted to going to kill himself? song. I liked their heavier songs. Stuff like stand up to The Screamers as an equal, I would Paul: Oh, he said he was going to kill himself. “Going Steady with Twiggy” I really couldn’t fail. I would embarrass myself. I could play Ryan: Did you actually believe him? get into. As I talk about it, The Screamers and great. I could play circles around any of them, Paul: You never believe that. I knew he was The Germs were not songwriters or musicians; which made me valuable. I was aggressive. I’m different. I don’t know if he knew it. I think you they were performance artists that became not totally dumb, as I look back on it, but I did- can look back and go, “Oh, he knew he was musicians for a very short period of time. n’t feel a strong confidence. going to kill himself.” Maybe it’s not that he That’s why The Germs and The Screamers They had an idea of what it was to be a knew consciously that he was going to kill him- might have never been able to make a second Screamer. It is a very interesting concept. In self, he was always going to kill himself. And album. They were a one shot thing. The terms of art, what does that fall under? You’re he had moments where he knew it. With a per- Screamers said we don’t want to make records, not creating an identity, but a group identity. son like that, you always hope that something we want to make movies. And Darby goes, And that group identity is in all aspects of your will happen. Someone will reach him. “I’m dead now. I said what I have to say and I life. It was like The Beatles. When I was grow- Someone will turn him around. He was too meant it. I wasn’t lying.” ing up, I thought The Beatles all lived in one smart. He had a 180 IQ. When the mind is sick So anyway, The Screamers’ music and the- house. And they slept in the same bed—this and damaged, a 180 IQ erects defenses to pro- atrics were great. The Screamers were so new was before I knew what sex was. The illusion tect the damage and the wound. Intelligence and it was such a complete package: their look was that they were a family. The Germs and doesn’t alleviate unless you decide, “I’m going to the way they moved. I watched them do an The Screamers bought into it. The Screamers to live and turn my intelligence on myself and interview when I was sort of on probation in the were very informed by advertising, persona and get the answer to this. I’m going to find out 61 what is wrong with me and I will survive.” Paul: Interesting. It’s really cool to talk about pickups attached to it and roll dice on it and With people like Kurt Cobain and Darby, their Tommy Gear because Tommy Gear is one of play it through a fuzz box. Eventually every- intelligence has decided that the world is the smartest and most impressive people ever. thing sounded like it was rolling down hill and fucked and it makes sense that, to them, that He was just so amazing. He would walk into a it was very fast. they feel this way. And they are going to prove room and just take it over. When the band broke Ryan: You were a member of 45 Grave. What that the world is wrong. And they’re way too up, he lost that; it went away. I don’t know are your memories of the late Rob Ritter? smart to talk about it. It’s tragic. I’ve known a whether he was just sad or devastated. I don’t Paul: Interesting. I’ve learned a lot about handful of them. ever want to judge because I don’t fully under- myself and a lot about people since then. My Mor: What did you think of The Screamers stand what happened. But I do know that when opinions of Rob Ritter always change. I was so wanting to make a movie instead of a record? I was working with him he had so many influ- against heroin. He was the first person I saw Paul: With all theories you wind up with the ences and ideas. Tommy’s mind was so keen that without heroin he was so miserable and so results. For instance, Marxism: it’s a great the- and he was a beautifully looking man—just the depressed that I started thinking, “Why should ory but its results are questionable. So The complete package. He was a really impressive a person go through a long life being so miser- Screamers had this idea and it made them dis- guy. Some of these people off themselves or able and so depressed? He should just go ahead appear off of the face of the earth. And the just disappear off of the face of the earth. and be a junkie.” Because it seemed like he was movie is not watchable. I have some bitterness Ryan: You were in two (The Screamers and so happy when he was on dope. He would about it. The Screamers made a couple of weird Nervous Gender) of the very few early L.A. always be lit up and smiling and all cool when changes. The Screamers were a minimalist punk bands with openly gay members. Did he was on heroin. And then he died. And for punk rock band until ’78. In early ’79, they these bands receive any homophobic threats? awhile that was my philosophy—if you’re so decided that they were going to play to tapes, Paul: Well, I don’t remember that being a prob- damaged that you’re miserable all the time, fix incorporate two violinists, have another singer lem. I think you had pretty informed audiences yourself and live happy as long as you can. But come out in the middle and drastically alter in the early L.A. punk scene. I didn’t play with I don’t buy that anymore because I know that what they were doing. Now, it still kind of Nervous Gender over the whole span of their what he was feeling could have been addressed. worked. We were doing songs like “Scream” career. There might have been shows later on Even someone like Darby; anybody can be and “Why the World.” These songs were a lit- where they had to deal with that—where reached, and nobody has to die and be miser- Usually, people are just stoned and say they want to write a concept album, but I actually went and wrote one. +++ tle bit more dance oriented. The Screamers punkers and idiots were coming out. But I will able forever. Rob was really depressed. He had refused to stay the same. You gotta take your say that when you were standing in front of depression and they didn’t know how to treat it hats off to a band that will go the extra nine Nervous Gender, you did not want to fuck with back then. He could have been treated. yards, because it’s easy to plug in your guitars them. Whether they were gay or not, they were Mor: How did 45 Grave’s “Party Time” make and play your hits. And it is a pain in the ass to so intense that if you didn’t like them, you left. it onto Return of the Living Dead? do all this extra stuff. So that was their philos- You did not want to confront those guys. And Paul: We did a single with a metal producer— ophy. They kept doing it until it toppled. I have that’s what was neat about them—they were the same guy who did X’s Wild Thing— nothing but respect for them. My parents taught scary. So, no, but that could have happened Michael Wagner, and when punk bands were me it was better to be average on the best team later. The initial punk scene was mostly artists. trying to sell out and get a big hit, they would then the best on the bad team. I have nothing Mor: Speaking of Nervous Gender, what was it go to him. With 45 Grave there was some of but respect for them trying to do that. They paid like playing with an eight-year-old drummer? that going on. 45 Grave was such a life-on-the- a really big price for being ambitious—not in a Paul: You have to accept the things you cannot edge band, like if some money wasn’t going to bad way—but in an artistic, brave, courageous change and change the things you can. He was- be made, people were going to kill each other, and not lazy way. That movie is Rene Daalder’s n’t a particularly talented drummer. What hap- or hate each other. “Party Time” was a punk movie. You don’t see Tommy and Tomata’s pened was I had to invent a new theory of song and they made it a metal song. I think 45 movie. I think Rene Daalder could have made rhythm and I named it the avalanche theory; Grave were on Enigma at the time and I think his fucking movie and The Screamers could that if music is fast enough you can’t really tell the label gave that song to the director of the have been The Screamers. what the beat is. So the music would sound just movie. The skull pops up and the goes, “Do Mor: Where is Tommy? flutter. He would just go, “bop, bop, bop, bop.” you wanna party?” I think The Beastie Boys Paul: He’s in Los Angeles. He doesn’t really For anyone that never heard Nervous Gender, ripped that off. It’s really close. like to talk about this stuff. I think he went on they were playing early synths that were not Mor: What got you into producing? with his life. I’m a musician. I became commit- hooked up to each other. So there were all these Paul: I don’t really like playing live that much. ted to music when I was eleven. And that was a modulations going on, nothing was linked. I really love recording. From the time I was love that never went away. If I’m not doing Already you have the three synths pulsing nineteen, I would get a hold of 4-tracks. So music I feel anxious and depressed. That’s not wrong and they couldn’t play them that well, every 4-track I had I would rig together. I start- Tommy. I think Tommy studied medicine. He either. A band like Kraftwerk will have all the ed working with other people, and it was fun. did some serious school stuff. I hesitate to say synthesizers linked together so the music is When I was thirteen, I was compulsive to write he’s bitter. I hesitate to say he has regrets. I played in unison. songs. It became compulsive to record them at don’t know. I think it’s possible that he’s total- Ryan: So it was out of key and tempo? twenty-two. But I like to work with other peo- ly fine with the whole thing. And Tommy being Paul: Yeah, and tempo. I don’t know if they got ple, too. I like what they’re saying and a rock star was not really what he had in mind. out of key, but pitch wasn’t that important. I I like almost everyone I work with; I Ryan: It’s odd because he’s unaccounted for. would do things like take a street sign with meld with them. 63 Overlooked and Underrated: All Girl BAnds on the Big Screen By Jennifer Whiteford Illustrations by Art Fuentes

Prologue Somehow within a few months, we man- ger? Why don’t the two of you want to go aged to learn to play faster, write our own on tour? What do you mean that vocal part For five long and crazy years I was the songs, buy larger amps and make it to prac- sounds out of tune? lead singer and guitarist in an all-girl tice once a week. We moved our gear up to What kept us going in the midst of all that punk band. We started in a classic girl the attic, put some Bikini Kill posters on the grumpiness were the flashes of greatness that band way: two of us knew how to play walls, and the rest is history. would occasionally come along. Like the We may have been a band for five years, first time we played a show where people in guitar, one of us had played drums seven but our honeymoon period ended quickly. the audience called out the names of songs years earlier, and one of us had never We spent a lot of our time in the attic fight- they wanted to hear. Or our big show in New picked up a bass in her life. At our first ing, manipulating, sighing, and rolling our York City where we played better than we’d practice in our drummer Misse’s base- eyes. Who was going to borrow a car so we ever played before. And then there was the ment, we played covers of Cub songs could drive our gear to our next show? fact that we were one of the only all-girl very slowly and very badly. Who made all the posters and put them up bands in our city. There were girls who told all over town while no one else lifted a fin- us that seeing us made them want to play 64 music too, and you’d have to be crazy to break ning for a film chock full of raw, pissed- Desperate Teenage up a band after someone tells you something off, teen girl attitude. Ladies and Lovedolls like that. Being in an all-girl band began to Gentlemen, the Fabulous Stains tells the (Eclectic 1984) feel like a monumental accomplishment. story of Corrine Burns (played by a fifteen- Desperate Teenage Lovedolls falls into the But even with all their greatness, all- year-old Diane Lane) an orphaned teenager category of the “so bad, it’s good” movie, female bands are often fraught with, in one who we first see griping to TV news cam- which is likely why it’s often referred to as a overused word, drama. By the time my band eras about her desire for an adventurous cult classic. Made for $250.00 on grainy, finally broke up—during an emotional attic life that can not be found in boring small Super 8 film, this sixty-minute train wreck of practice where we all sat on the wooden town America. Corrine’s band, The Stains, a movie tells the story of three teenage run- floorboards and cried—I had truly had my formed with a cousin and a mutual friend, aways who form a band, rocket to stardom, fill of girl band drama. I sold my amp and put has had only one practice when they luck and then, predictably, plummet into poverty my guitar away. I honestly did not want to into a spot on a doomed cross-country tour and failure. Shot in Los Angeles, this movie play music ever again. featuring established punk band The frantically tackles every stereotype of the Slowly, though, I began to miss the band. Looters. Fans of punk rock will want to see sleazy music industry it can dredge up. I missed the camaraderie and the sheer cool- this movie if only for the footage of The In the early stages of the film, lead singer ness of it all, of being The Girl in the Band. Looters whose on-screen players include Kitty grows tired of her shrieking, intolerant It was like being a part of a secret society. A the Sex Pistols’ Paul Cook and Steve Jones, mother and subsequently hits the streets of very whiney, frustrating secret society. But as well as Paul Simonon of The Clash. Hollywood as a runaway with her pal Bunny. I’m a writer, really, not a musician. I like to Corrine appears for her first gig wearing They get high, steal guitars, and eventually, appreciate drama from the outside. So I fishnet stockings, see-through clothing, and inexplicably, kill Kitty’s mom. From that turned to the movies. with her hair dyed into black and white episode stems this choice dialogue: Movies featuring girl rock bands are few skunk-like stripes. When the Stains fail to “Thanks for killing my mom.” and far between. Like many all-girl bands wow the crowd with their amateurish playing “Hey, no problem.” themselves, these films are often overlooked and general lack of confidence, Corrine takes Personally, I was taken by the fact that the and underrated. To find them requires a bit of it out on the crowd in a tirade, culminating Lovedolls have a rival girl band called the searching or a lot of dumb luck. Once found, with the statement that will become the She Devils, led by the pouty and brilliantly though, they are undoubtedly entertaining. Stains motto: “We don’t put out!” named Tanya Hearst. The She Devils are How could they not be? Many all-girl bands The Stains popularity explodes seemingly never actually shown playing any instru- seem to stand perfectly on the tightrope overnight, egged on by the reports from local ments, but they do get to participate in a cou- between power and disaster. The bands in news teams and the legions of young girls ple of the movie’s many murders. these movies are always on the verge of who emulate Corrine’s hair, clothing, and atti- My own band, truth be told, had a rival all- something great, and are always dogged by tude. As with many stories of meteoric rises to girl band. They were a bunch of bad-ass lady either their own internal calamity, or forces fame, the Stains are soon plagued by infight- punks, complete with a guitarist who drove beyond their control willing them to fail. The ing, egos, and crooked management, all which around wasted in her convertible Miata, and a tension this creates will usually make for a contribute to their eventual downfall. bassist who made late-night threatening compelling story. Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fabulous phone calls to our own bassist about a variety To that end, I’ve selected six of the most Stains is often heralded as a precursor to of issues. (The rival band subplot in poignant girl rock films that I’ve had the what became the Riot Grrrl movement. The Desperate Teenage Lovedolls doesn’t really privilege to lay my eyes on. Within these six Stains’ attitudes, youth, and unconventional reach its full potential, so for that you may movies, you’ll find teenage girl rockers and fashion choices certainly call to mind the have to watch some old Jem and the forty-something lady rockers, big budget obstinate girls in babydoll dresses who Holograms cartoons to see the Holograms films and low, low, low budget films, girls enjoyed a flash of media attention in the tangle with their perfectly evil rival all-girl who rock and girls who dream of rocking, early nineties. Feminists whose Riot Grrrl band named—I’m not kidding—The Misfits). and, of course, lots and lots of drama. hangover has since worn off will likely not Desperate Teenage Lovedolls is more find this film particularly feminist, due to the about spectacle than entertainment or Ladies and Gentlemen, fact that, in spite of Corrine’s brave behavior, empowerment. It plunges into tedium at sev- the Fabulous Stains all the power lies with the men who consis- (Paramount 1982) eral points and its jumpy plot and horrid act- tently manipulate the Stains. In 1982, how- ing are only amusing for so long. The movie ever, the film was seem as so controversial This film’s title is said to be a jab at the doc- rolls out stereotype after stereotype until that it was never properly released after its viewers are forced to see its ridiculousness as umentary, Ladies and Gentlemen: The gutsy heroines made studio officials nervous. Rolling Stones, which is an accurate begin- part of its charm. This is worth seeing only

The power of the all-female band always seems to go hand in hand with potential disaster. Great music, hair pulling, arguments about tampons, sleazy rock boys, drunken parties, and a little bit of death.

for its cult status, unless grainy, choppy, per- Murmurs. Claude’s reaction to the music and onstage snog-fest with her hot indie rock plexing movies are your kind of thing. The the girls playing it makes for a real hold- boy, Alan M. film did eventually enjoy a sequel titled your-breath movie moment. The audience While the Pussycats’ comic book origins Lovedoll Superstars, which I haven’t been can practically see the light bulb illuminate seem to have given the filmmakers a license able to get a hold of. Judging from the trail- above her head. for complete hyperbole, they haven’t taken er that follows my copy of Desperate After her trip to the bar, Claude’s life their responsibilities lightly. All three Teenage Lovedolls, however, it looks like the begins to take a positive turn. She is able— Pussycat actresses (Rachel Leigh Cook, Tara viewer is in for more of the same. after one quick, Patti-Smith-induced emo- Reid, and Rosario Dawson) were sent to tional meltdown—to ditch her no-good, boy- “band camp” for two weeks prior to filming. All Over Me obsessed best friend in favor of a potentially Once there, they not only helped to record (Image Entertainment 1997) hot love affair with Hailey’s character. In one the film’s soundtrack, but also had profes- of the movie’s final scenes we see Claude sional musicians teaching them how to play While this movie doesn’t chronicle the ups and her pink haired, guitar-wielding lover their characters’ instruments. It is highly sat- and downs of a specific girl band, it so bril- girl playing guitars and making out in her isfying to watch a movie where the musi- liantly depicts the musical awakening of its bedroom. Music, namely music made by the cians’ fingers are actually following the main character, it had to make the list. All ladies, is Claude’s redemption and the audi- chord progressions of the song the audience Over Me serves as a kind of a prologue to ence can only hope that Claude’s ambitions is hearing. the other movies on my list, and Claude, the of starting her own band come to fruition The film’s soundtrack of pop punk gems protagonist, embodies all the wide-eyed after the credits roll. (written and recorded by an army of profes- wonder that comes with the first realization sional musicians that included the Go-Go’s that girls can play music! Together! While Josie and the Pussycats Jane Weidlin and Canadian lady rocker Bif (Universal 2001) other girls watch! Naked) is more than just background music Claude is an almost-out-of-the-closet This live-action interpretation of the girl for the characters’ lives. The songs are heard rock’n’roll lesbian teenager. Through most group from Archie comics would be placed in their entirety at many points throughout of the movie she looks profoundly uncom- firmly in my “guilty pleasure” category if it the film, which makes the film exciting for fortable in her own skin. Her only solace weren’t so damn good. Easy to dismiss any music-loving audience member. comes from music (posters of Patti Smith because of its cheesy mainstream market- This is, essentially, a film about the vapid and Helium adorn her bedroom walls) and ing, the film actually manages to make a pop music industry caring more about sales from a one-sided love affair with her clueless statement about popular music, product than it does about music. The film makes its best friend, Ellen. Things go rapidly down- placement, and mindless trend following. It point, but by the end of the movie the “paro- hill when Ellen finds herself in an abusive is also extremely funny, with flawless par- dy” product placements (french fry shaped relationship with a guy who is likely respon- odies of everything from boy bands (the sponges in your MacDonald’s bathroom, sible for the murder of a neighborhood gay opening sequence features a performance anyone?) becomes slightly nauseating. Still, man. The murder throws Claude’s life into a by the well-named band, Du Jour) to MTV. if you have a niece, or little sister, or daugh- more urgent state of turmoil. Josie and the Pussycats tells the story of ter who thinks Avril Lavigne rules, this All Over Me cleverly uses Claude’s musi- the fast and dirty rise to fame of the grrrly would be the perfect movie to watch with cal awakening as a parallel for her sexual three piece and, once again, we see egos her. The songs in the movie are a non-threat- awakening. When she arrives at bar crowded get in the way of friendship and, sigh, ening introduction to girl punk and the with rock’n’roll lesbians she is stunned by musical integrity. Only this time the ego is movie’s overall message is a great jumping the all-girl band on the stage. The band actually the result of subliminal messages off point for any little girl with a burgeoning includes the magnetic real-life musicians placed in the band’s recordings by their interest in media literacy. After you watch Mary Timony from Helium, and the pink evil manager (played with absolute comic the movie you can have a discussion about haired Leisha Hailey (who now plays a brilliance by Alan Cumming). Of course, evil corporations, and then buy her an much-less-attractive character on the popular the Pussycats triumph over the major label Unlovables CD. television drama The L Word) from The adversity and Josie even gets to have an Down and Out with plotline yet?) and their band eventually self- insanity of the plot or the understandable the Dolls destructs. I went to see this film in the theatre folly of the characters. (Hart Sharp Video 2001) with the member of my own band whom I According to one of the film’s actresses, had the most volatile relationship with and Canadian hip hop sensation Kinnie Starr, the Down and Out With the Dolls chronicles the we cringed at the point in the film where the film was originally slated for wide release in rise and fall of an all-girl group in that Mecca band mates chose to move into a house the fall of 2002. I talked to Starr after one of of girl groups: Portland, Oregon. It has together. Is this ever a good idea? It may her concerts just days after I saw Down and everything a good girl-band movie should have worked for the Partridge Family, but it Out with the Dolls at a small queer film fes- have: great music, hair pulling, arguments spells certain disaster for The Paper Dolls. tival here in Ottawa. She was happy to go about tampons, sleazy rock boys, drunken This film is like an underground version of into detail about what went wrong, distribu- parties, and a little bit of death. Josie and the Pussycats. The actresses are tion-wise. According to Starr, the problem The Paper Dolls are the musical project of actual musicians themselves, so the songs lay with the all-male band in the film, the the heart-breakingly dorky Kali who has big and the performances are remarkably authen- unfortunately named Suicide Bombers. dreams for her little band. Kali isn’t pre- tic. The characters and events of the movie Because of that band’s name Down and Out pared, however, for the thoughtless antics of are exaggerated enough to be entertaining, with the Dolls was dropped by its distribu- her primadonna lead singer Fauna, who per- but realistic enough inspire empathetic tion company, just after the incidents of sonifies every possible bad quality that lead groans from the audience. Both its hyperbole September 11th. At that time, no one wanted singers are known to possess. As The Dolls’ and its realism add to the film’s pervasive to distribute a film that even mentioned the popularity increases, their relationship with humor; the audience is either laughing at the concept of suicide bombing, so Down and each other falls apart (are you tired of this 67 Where to find the films:

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fabulous Stains on DVD is almost always up for auction on Ebay. Out with the Dolls never truly saw the light another link in the chain of society’s general Otherwise, it can be hard to find. of day (uh, no reference to the Joan disrespect for women. It is refreshing to see Jett/Michael J. Fox film intended.) a movie about a rock ladies pushing forty On an unrelated but interesting note: and also exciting to see a plot that forgoes the Desperate Teenage Lovedolls DVD Motörhead fans will want to watch this “quick rise to fame” formula. In this film it is is also often available through Ebay, movie just to see the one and only Lemmy the band members’ personal relationships but can also be ordered online from playing the mysterious and unintelligible that are successful, not their music careers. www.wegotpowerfilms.com. man who lives in Fauna’s bedroom closet. This is a much more realistic direction, and it is one that creates the necessity of well- All Over Me is available on DVD drawn characters and a superbly constructed from www.tlavideo.com. Prey for Rock ‘n Roll original story. (Lions Gate 2003) Josie and the Pussycats should be Epilogue Prey for Rock’n Roll is the work of punk for rent at your local video store rock writer/tattoo artist Cheri Lovedog, who and is available on DVD just about At a Monday night practice towards the end has achieved remarkable success writing anywhere on the internet. of my band’s dubious career, we worked about how unsuccessful her music career has together to write a song called been. The movie’s script draws on Down and Out with the Dolls DVD “Flamethrower.” The song sprang from the Lovedog’s years of frustrating experiences as available from Madman Cinema realization that we were having that particu- the leader of girl punk bands in Hollywood. www.madmancinema.com.au. lar band practice on the anniversary of the Lovedog’s story was first brought to life as a night one of us had been brutally attacked by musical, which had a triumphant run at Prey for Rock ‘n Roll is stocked in a stranger, almost ten years earlier. The CBGBs in New York. Prey for Rock ‘n Roll many fine video stores and is bridge of the song had me yelling, was then adapted into a powerful film star- available on DVD from your choice “Disappear!” and after a few tries we decid- ring Gina Gershon as Jacki, the growly band of internet store. ed that we would all yell the word together in leader turning forty and feeling low about unison. It was the only time in the band’s his- her lack of a recording contract. Gershon Soundtrack albums are also avail- tory where we all used our voices at once. I took guitar lessons from Joan Jett to prepare able for all movies except for loved hearing us all scream in unison. Even for the role, and this lends to the authenticity Ladies and Gentlemen, the though it came towards the end, it was one of of her performance. Fabulous Stains. the best things about being in the band. The movie establishes immediate punk Yelling together with other girls during a rock cred as Jacki quickly details her own song about our own experiences gave our life story. As a teen, Jacki tells us, she ran band the perfect blend of power, pain, hope, Some other suggestions for lovers away to Hollywood with dreams of becom- and aggression. of girl bands and the movies that ing a rock star. She fell in love with punk It is all of those elements that make films portray them… rock, her narration explains, when she saw X about all-girl bands so compelling. Not to perform in L.A. X is conjured up again later mention the fact that most of these films, like Satisfaction 1988 (critically in the movie when Jacki’s band, Clamdandy the bands they chronicle, are only exposed to panned movie about all girl band (yes, this is a terrible name) scores a gig the limelight for a brief period of time before starring Justine Bateman and opening for the legendary punks. It is this gig plagued by bad luck or disaster. The power of Julia Roberts) that has the potential to propel the band to the all-female band always seems to go hand stardom, but, sadly, the recording contract in hand with potential disaster. Walking the Serial Mom 1994 (features L7 as offered to them is less than dreamy. While line between power and disaster is painful the all-girl band Camel Toe) the band’s shot at stardom is unraveling, and freaky when you have to do it yourself, their lives take a turn for the worse when but watching characters in a movie do the their drummer is raped. Jacki manages to Girl 1998 (starring the Pussycat same thing in undoubtedly entertaining. exact revenge on the rapist and then rise drummer Tara Reid as a rebellious from the proverbial ashes of yet another dis- teenage lesbian rock’n’roller) aster after a different band member is killed in a car accident. The Go-Go’s: Live in Central Park This movie succeeds for so many reasons. Jennifer Whiteford’s first novel Grrrl 2001 (everyone’s favourite all-girl It manages to marry some universal themes band, LIVE!) of girl rock—sexism, friendship, and power features many all-girl bands and will be struggles—with a totally original and com- published by Gorsky Press in the fall. pelling story. The film touches on women’s Edgeplay 2004 (a very well- feelings of powerlessness and holds up rock- reviewed documentary about ’n’roll as a way of combating that lack of The Runaways) power. The refusal of the music industry to take women seriously is exposed as just When the word “supergroup” is mentioned, I tend to think of people coming together to Paddy: It actually formed at the Triple express something artistically that they haven’t been able to in their other bands. When I think Rock (a bar that Erik of Dillinger Four of Bloodbath and Beyond, a few other things come to mind. Like drink, drank, drunk. A band and his wife Gretchen own) because born out of a drunken idea. None of the four members living under a thousand miles from the Snakepit was in town and the Observers next. With members of Dillinger Four, Tiltwheel, The Observers, J. Church, Cleveland Bound were playing at the Triple Rock and we all Death Sentence, and Assisted Living Dracula, they fit the line-up of a super group. But what got shitfaced. We were all sitting around are they? When I asked them what they sound like (one of the worst questions to ever ask any- talking about dumb shit like dumb, fat, body without the intention of good fun) Mike said, “You’re evil;” Ben: “ A big ol’ pile of bull- drunk bastards do. shit;” Davey: “A dumptruck being run over by a cheese grater mixed inside a burrito so the Davey: And then I came up. sound is a bit muffled and then dogs barking ‘til you shove pens up the urethras and like Paddy: We were like, “Hey, we’re talking M&Ms with peanuts;” but Paddy may have summed it up best in one word: “fart.” about dumb, drunk, fat people. Hey, do The original plan was that they would meet up at Ben’s house in Austin, TX, hang out you know Davey?” ‘Cause this is like a mafia and he’s the godfather. We called for a week, play two shows, and record. They met up, ate pounds of meat, drank gallons him and were like, “We gotta do a band.” of alcohol, played the shows, but the recording equipment didn’t work. Does a band like “Okay, but this band’s gonna suck.” Bloodbath And Beyond throw in the towel and say it was good while it lasted? No, they “Okay, let’s do a sucky band.” “Sucky start planning to meet up in a few months in Escondido, CA, home to Davey Tiltwheel to bands gotta go all over the country.” record again. Bad for their livers, but good for me. These are some of the best guys I know “Alright let’s all do it.” and this gave me ample time to see them, interview them, eat some burritos, and still Davey: This is like the fourth phone call make it to the 6am bar. I’d gotten from him in two months. Every time somebody goes to the Triple Rock Megan: Davey, you once said, “Quit thinking about it in terms of a and hangs out with him. He fuckin’ ends up calling me to form a band scene. It’s all personal to me.” or something. Davey: I did? Paddy: Well yeah! Because Tiltwheel… man everybody’s coming to me Paddy: Yeah. and telling me Dillinger Four doesn’t tour. Tiltwheel’s like the goddamn Megan: So, if there is no scene, then how is this even able to happen? fucking pyramids, man. I mean goddamn. We’re like the fuckin’Wham! Davey: We’ve got boners and buttholes, and that’s how it happened. But to your Led Zeppelin, man. seriously, I don’t know. I don’t know what kind of shit I must’ve been Davey: I see Mike more now since he moved away then when I did saying then. When the fuck did I say something like that? I must’ve been when he lived here. in Dubuque or something. Paddy: That’s because he’s sixteen and he’s traveling all the time on a Paddy: I’ve been traveling around for a long time. And Davey’s been fucking train. He rides his dirt bike from Portland to fucking San Diego. traveling around for a long time. Mike, he’s still kind of green, but he’s Mike’s riding on his fucking newspaper route. been traveling around a lot. Ben: Bloodbath and Beyond! Davey: He travels a lot. Megan: How do you make Champipple? Paddy: Ben’s been traveling around for a long time. He’s met mother- Paddy: Well it kind of depends on where you’re from. fuckers I ain’t even met. And vice versa. I think this band is beautiful Megan: I was going to ask if there were regional variations, too. because I’m fucking wasted and I’m here to tell you that it was four Paddy: There should be. Champipple is what Redd Fox drank and it fuck-ups that found each other and we made some bullshit. And we was a mixture of really cheap wine and really cheap champagne. The know it’s bullshit. But this is bullshit. This band is bullshit. idea was that all day he would film Sanford and Son in Los Angeles and Ben: It’s our excuse to get drunk for a week. drink this weird thing out of a coffee cup. But then he was doing every Paddy: Goddamn, this is gonna be the best bullshit you’re gonna see night in Las Vegas. He’d fly out to Vegas and come back the next day all month. and do Sanford and Son all day. But the thing is, he would add weird shit Davey: The weirdest fucking thing is I’ve known Paddy for about ten every day to make it flavored differently. So, the idea is that as long as years, right? Maybe since ’95? Ben was in the first band that ever stayed you start with Andre strawberry and Boone’s Farm, any sort of flavor at my house, this band Whirleybird… you want, or Mad Dog, or preferably both. Then you add whatever you Paddy: You were in band called Whirleybird?! can to make it regional. So, in Minneapolis, it’s Bourbon, Sparks, and Davey: Yeah, they played our bar. Andy who owned the bar is coming Pilsner. Apparently here it’s—what is it Davey? Slimfast? to the show tonight. Megan: Awwww. Ben: Oh, really? Mike: It’s Slimfast, horchata... Paddy: Whirleybird? Paddy: No, that’s what Davey told me. I didn’t make it—I’m fat! Davey: I mean, I never talked to Ben more than once or twice after that. But Davey: Here we were thinking Mariachi salsa, you know you got your then Mike, I’ve known Mike since he was fucking twelve years old. I was bases, your foundation. Then you add the adobe fuckin’ housing on top. really into little kids back then. You’ve got salsa—that’s the only really non-alcoholic ingredient Mike: You took me on tour when I was fifteen years old. besides your Mexican lead-filled candy. Davey: Yeah, we took Mikey on his first tour and corrupted him, I hope. So, Paddy: Yeah, that’s good, the sour apple. it was weird, we’ve all kind of known each other for a long time in one sense. Davey: Yeah, the sour apple shit is really nice. 70 Ben: guitar and vocals Davey: guitar and vocals Interview and photos Mike: drums by Megan Pants Paddy: bass and vocals

Mike: Crazy mix! Paddy: I’ve got some right here. Davey: And then we put some of that salty Tamarind fuckin’ shit with Megan: Do you know how to play the Uliean pipes? the duck on it, some of that stuff. We put whiskey, a little vodka. Davey: Uliean, (Ill-e-an) like that matters. Mike: Japanese gin. Megan: What is it? Davey: Yeah, that we got from No People. Davey: It’s these stupid Irish pipes. It’s kind of like bagpipes. You Paddy: The Japanese gin makes you talk weird. have the reed up here and a little pad you wear, but I don’t have a pad, Megan: How? so I just put it on my fuckin’ leg and let the fat stop it. Davey: Like this [pulling his eyes slanting back] Shit all fucked up! That’s your joke. It’s Paddy’s joke, not mine. Megan: Good one. Paddy: How’s that a good one? Ahoya hoy! Davey: We’ve been thinking about making a California martini. We figure it’s like gin and Colt 45 with a rolled taco stickin’ out of it. But I think a rolled taco might work in Champipple pretty good. Paddy: That would work for a Chicago ‘Pipple, too. If there was a band from Chicago that was worthy of making ‘Pipple. I mean, no offense, but like… I mean there’s bands I love from Chicago, but the Arrivals are too busy drinking for free at their neighborhood bars. They don’t have time to make Champipple. Davey: They’re too busy making bread and all this crap. SoSoSo wewewe sitsitsit ininin frontfrontfront ofofof aaa mirrormirrormirror andandand eateateat fuckin’fuckin’fuckin’ burritos,burritos,burritos, naked,naked,naked, and we drink.

Paddy: Exactly, we’re makin’ trouble. [Seeing three crust punks pushing a shopping cart down the street] Man, those guys don’t even know, where the fuck are they going? Man, all these motherfuckers got patches on their back. The shows over here! Mike: Dumpster show! Dumpster show! Paddy: Can I just say that homeless just does not impress me anymore? I’ve had enough of this shit. For real, goddamn, I’ve paid twenty- seven dollars a month rent on a place, and you’re gonna push a shopping cart around you dumbass motherfucker? You’re an asshole and you don’t know anybody that likes you enough to rent you their fucking laundry room for a dollar a month. You’re walking away from the show! Davey: I think without crust pants, I think fuckin’ punks would have holes in their clothes. We’re gonna fuckin’ win

forevforev

Paddy: Man, can we just cut to the chase? If you were strung out in thing that hasn’t been touched?” You’ve got the eyeliner fuckin’ New Zealand and you needed to buy like seventeen pairs of Air punks, and the guys that practice their jumps and shit. So Jordans from 1984 in New Zealand right now, just fucking text message we sit in front of a mirror and eat fuckin’ burritos, naked fucking Davey. He’ll figure a way you can buy all those shoes for like and we drink. “Am I doing it right?” [Takes a swig with his a dollar. Tomorrow. He knows a guy who’ll show up at the bar. mouth shut, beer pours over the front of his shirt.] Oh god. I Seriously, I need every Dungeon Master’s guide module one through mean we practice that shit. It’s a concerted effort. You put four eight tomorrow for a dollar. And that dude’ll show up and he’ll be like, great minds thinking alike… wait, we’re talking about us, aren’t “Oh I fuckin’ met Davey when he was playing bass for Discharge in we? I think the amalgamation of the parts… like Eighteen Hundred and Seventy-Four.” Davey can get you tacos in Paddy: Amalgamation? South America. Mike: Isn’t that word out of a Mike Farley song? Paddy and Davey: They don’t have tacos in South America. Davey: It’s from a Propaghandi song, you mother… Paddy: We just globetrotter on that shit! Paddy: This is point to this band: anybody can play any fucking Davey: I had to show a lady in Mexico how to make a burrito. thing and we’ll show up and play that shit. Free. You could be a Megan: They’ve gotta have someone making ‘em for the white folks. fucking bro from Salt Lake City. If you write a good enough letter, Davey: They don’t have burritos in fuckin’ Baja, California. if Ben reads it, and he thinks it sounds about right, we’re gonna Paddy: They’ve got white babies for twelve dollars in fucking Paolo Alto. show up in Salt Lake City and play your bullshit. And this is fuck- Mike: That’s in California, man. ing why. ‘Cause music is fucking math and I passed that shit. And Paddy: Not the original. I just made that up. we’re gonna fucking win forever. All the time. Fart in mouth. Shit Davey: Not the original! in my pants. Fucking seduction of the warlock. I’m telling you right Megan: You’re all in bands that have pretty serious lyrics. Bloodbath now music is easy and we’re gonna prove it. This year. We’re playing doesn’t have the most serious lyrics. all that shit. Mike: Most of it’s heartfelt, though. Ben: Music is easy. We’re gonna prove it. Paddy: Actually, we’re very serious. Paddy: It doesn’t matter. Led Zeppelin were a bunch of fuckin’ hacks. Davey: Fuckin’ totally serious. So fuckin’ serious, people are gonna Bloodbath and Beyond! start to… Megan: Paddy, how did you get involved in playing a 52.4 hour song? Megan: I think what Paddy said earlier was, “It’s not even about stuff.” Paddy: Oh wow, you did some Google shit search or something. Paddy: It’s not about stuff, it’s about things. Davey: What’s .4 hours? Megan: Is it any different than writing songs for your other bands? Paddy: Uhhhh. Davey: Here’s the deal. We’re all really sober, straightedged individu- Megan: Fifteen minutes. No, that’s be .25. als normally. Then we get together, and it’s like, “Well, what’s the one Mike: Twenty-four minutes. Paddy: My friend, Mark Mallmen, he tried to go for the Guinness Book Paddy: Mark Mallmen’s this dude from Minneapolis who’s totally out of of World Records to play the longest song of all time. his mind. He loves kissing girls, he loves eatin’ hotdogs, and he loves Davey: And he failed miserably. getting wasted. Then he asked me to play bass on his song that was gonna Mike: No, he didn’t fail, he fuckin’ did it. I fuckin’ jammed with him. go on for 367 days. I told him I would do it if I could only play for a cou- Davey: No, because Jim Planter has that fucking song. It’s been going five ple hours. He said yeah. But then I went on a golf tournament that day years already. He wants it to go a thousand years, and that stuff sucked. and I lost really bad, but I shotgunned Bud Lights all day. This is true. Paddy: Yeah, but he still has to pee in Sunderland, c’mon man. He’s not And I drank margaritas out of a bottle. Then I went and played with him playing a song twenty-four hours a day. for a while. We jammed on some shit. That shit was tight. We’re doing a Megan: This was live; this wasn’t recorded. split, actually, with Bloodbath and Beyond. The Bloodbath and Beyond Davey: This was live? Who the fuck stuck around and watched you guys side is two minutes long, but the Mark Mallmen side is three days. all the time? Megan: This is a seven inch, right? Paddy: I was fucking wasted and I played for two and a half hours. No, Paddy: It’s gonna be the biggest seven inch of all time. It’s a seven inch that’s a goddamn lie. I played for an hour and a half. Not two and in theory. a half hours. Megan: Davey, what’s your opinion on recent legislation requiring to Davey: That’s good, I was worried have a passport to cross the Mexican border starting in 2007? about you. Davey: Let’s not get into this shit. The last thing I need to do is get all political. Paddy: No, go get ‘em. Let me tell you something. I’m thinking about moving to San Diego just so that I can vote for Davey to be the fucking king. Davey: If you move to Escondido you can vote for me. I’m gonna run for city council. Paddy: Done and done. Davey: It’s really simple if you think about it. Just the U.S. and Asia are the only continents where you need a passport to trav- el to other countries that are bordering you in the entire world. I mean freedom… isn’t free. Freedom’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose. Except your mind. And when outlaws are outlawed, only outlaws will be outlaws. Fuckin’ a, man. No, it’s terrible. I live in a border town. There is no problem with illegal immigration here. It’s not a problem. everever Paddy: I don’t know how you got in. Davey: Show me one fucking white guy who’s been denied a job here because some Mexican took it. Just show that to me, and I might start to think about it, but it ain’t gonna happen. I don’t see fuckin’ Mexicans lining up to work at fuckin’ Starbucks or Alibi (San Diego bar) or some fancy cracker’s—hey! [looks at Paddy because it’s a nickname for him]—thrift shop. Paddy: I didn’t apply for no job. Davey: My dad put it all in perspective for me a long time ago. Because every Saturday or Sunday morning somebody comes to the door at like seven in the morning. “Trabajo? Trabajo?” They want to work, clean windows, anything. And my dad says, “If a white kid comes to the house and asks to mow our lawn or trim our trees or anything just for a few bucks to feed his family, then maybe I’ll start thinking that that’s a problem.” And I thought about that, and was like, “Yeah, you’re right.” Paddy: I fuckin’ hate white people. Davey: We’re very racist against white people. Paddy: Seriously, as a band, we’ve talked about this so much. Davey: Show me a white guy. Seriously, show me a white guy who doesn’t think he can do his job better than the fuckin’ boss, and I’ll give you a dollar. Paddy: I’ll give you a member of Bloodbath and Beyond. Davey: I’ll give you fuckin’ Ben. Seriously, passports? C’mon, it’s just a bunch of shit. You can’t buy beer with a fuck- ing passport in San Diego.

73 Paddy: You can’t buy beer in my bar in Minneapolis with a passport. Ben: He got all rap? Davey: You can’t go to a bar in San Diego. Paddy: He did, dude. He did. He was like, “Mr. Dibbs can throw up.” Paddy: I couldn’t buy beer in fucking Phoenix with my state ID from That’s his DJ “on point.” I was like, “Cool, I can do that.” And he was like, Minnesota. I’m like 487 years old. “Let’s do it right now.” We just went into the laundrymat and I threw up. Davey: In an airport. In a fucking airport. You know how many people Davey: Why’d you go into a laundrymat? in a fucking airport have fucking ID for the state they just flew into? Paddy: Because it was right there. Paddy: None. Davey: You know what’s the weird thing? Punks can throw up. We don’t Davey: None of ‘em. Unless they’re like ex-pats or some shit like that. have much going for us, but we can throw the fuck up. Even if you It just makes no sense. It’s pretty insane what’s going on out there. For haven’t eaten in a week ‘cause you’re pushing a shopping cart around, what? What are we protecting ourselves from? you can still throw up. You can throw up dust from the fuckin’ dumpster. Paddy: The only protection I want is from the people who live around me. Paddy: I could throw up right now. Davey: I want protection from the people who live around me. They just Davey: Let’s do it. towed fuckin’ Matty’s (Davey’s roommate) truck. I don’t have to worry Paddy: You want to throw up right now? about fuckin’ ragheads, or whatever they’re calling them these days. Davey: Let’s have a fuckin’ puking contest. Whatever racist shit they use. I have to worry about a cop who lives next Paddy: All right. door to me. I want somebody to Megan: While they’re doing do something like that. I that, Mike, what’s a devil-mon- want my community to key? fucking back me up on Mike: I have no idea. that. I’ve got this sign at Megan: I found this picture of the front of my street: you, as a pirate… “Neighborhood watch.” I [Gagging noises from outside of want my neighborhood to the van, laughing from inside. watch this asshole. String Paddy wins.] him and his fuckin’ old Megan: … and it says, “Mike lady and burn ‘em. Parade ‘Devil-Monkey’ Napkin.” ‘em around like one of Mike: That’s from a high school those fuckin’ Bush rag dance, taken with my high dolls in Iraq. Fuck. school sweetie in my sopho- Paddy: See, this is why our more year or something. The songs are about nothin’. dude who painted the pirate Our songs are about how garb and scenery over it is some our country is the dumbest dude I’ve never met, nor country I’ve ever been in my remember talking to, who used whole fuckin’ life. to post on the same punk rock Davey: It sucks. message board as I. He made Paddy: We just got together similar images of other board- and were like, “Fuck that. posters and gave them similar- Let’s smoke a bunch of weed ly inane names. I have no idea and get drunk as hell and why. The internet is magical. make fun of every fucking Megan: Davey, who did you thing.” Fuck ‘em ‘cause we’ve say this about: “I’d be will- got that freedom that every ing to commit a non-violent fucking conservative asshole crime and get a jail term so I has ever told us we’ve got. could get close enough to We’re gonna test that. I will fuck him in the ass with a snort coke off the goddamn shank made from a broken Statue of Liberty as long as I broomstick.”? can play at Bent Outta Shape’s Paddy: Oh shit. fuckin’ warehouse space. Davey: The president? Davey: They hate our freedom. Megan: Yeah. You know what? I hate our Mike: Or the Pope. freedom, too. It sucks. Ben: Yeah, or the pope. Paddy: Dude, you tell them we’re supposed to celebrate our freedom? Paddy: You must’ve been mad as hell that night, man. Holy shit. Fuck yeah, this is what this band is all about. We’re gonna push that fuck- Davey: A non-violent crime because I don’t want to go down for a long ing freedom, ‘cause I’m American. I was born into the fraternity, you god- time. I don’t want to hurt anybody to get to the king shit. damn assholes. I’m gonna fuckin’ shoot heroin, and I don’t even want to, Mike: You could steal some big shit. but I’m going to do it just ‘cause you tell me I’m free. Well goddamn, all Davey: But I think I would probably say my neighbor right now. right. Fuck Catholicism. I’m gonna shoot heroin and fart in your mouth. Paddy: Yeah, fuck your neighbors, man. Megan: Paddy, you had a vomit contest in a laundrymat? Did you win? Megan: What’s the most impressive word you know, Ben? Paddy: I did win. I won that shit. Davey: [whispering] Amalgamation. Megan: How do you determine a winner? Megan: I’m curious about your brocabulary. Paddy: Because I did it first. Slug from Atmosphere he got all rap on me Ben: Brocabulary. The most impressive word I know would be… dude. and… That’s a loaded word. Davey: Did you do it? Mike: Yeah, it was during their prime. It was awesome because the Spice Girls are awesome, but also because as a frequent attendee of tiny punk rock shows it was totally bizarre and entertaining to be in the exact opposite setting for live music. Paddy: Dude, Sporty’s the coolest. Mike: It was back when any- thing you bought could have the Spice Girls on it. You could buy any prod- uct with the Spice Girls. Davey: Yeah, when we went to Japan. The 99 Cent Store that we all went to had Spice Girls hats. So, I bought them all for the Japanese guys. You know, because you have to bring a gift or Exactly. something. So, I brought them all Spice Girls hats. I thought they’d be all, “Thank you. Thank you.” And, instead, they… [takes of his hat looks at it strangely, and reluctantly puts it back on his head] I’ve never seen a Japanese guy who you give a gift to question it. We’re makin’ Mike: It was cool. Me and my buddy Willy went We’re makin’ and saw them. We were fifteen. Megan: You’re a big fan of pop in general though. Mike: Yeah, pop’s pretty cool. I think the Spice Girls were the last mainstream pop that was any good. I do like pop in my punk, having been exposed to punk by bands like Screeching Weasel and the like, but as far as mainstream pop music is concerned, the Spice Girls were a rare exception. On the whole, I think mainstream music is a sham and ought not to be support- trouble. ed. Paddy: My favorite word from brocabulary is whipapilla. That means a big ass. A big fuckin’ juicy ass. Paddy: I liked the Spice Girls. That “Spice Up Your Life” song? When Mike: Whipapilla? Never heard of it. I don’t have coffee and I wake up in the morning and there’s no coffee, I Paddy: It’s solid, it’s juicy, it’s where the booty comes from. listen to that song and it fuckin’ works the same. Megan: You also won an award for knowing a word, didn’t you? Mike: Hey, how the fuck did you know I went to see the Spice Girls? Ben: I knew the Klingon word for heaven, which is qui-tu. I was at a Star Megan: I do my fucking research, dude. Trek convention when I was eleven or twelve and I won the trivia con- Mike: Do you know my buddy Willy? test because I knew that word. I went up to get up my prize—it’s this big Megan: No. crowd of people—I walk up to the podium and they hand me my prize, Davey: Did you see the Spice Girls with Willy? and it’s a Klingon dictionary. I say into the mic—I’m twelve and I feel Paddy: Razorcake is fucking retarded like that. They’ll bring up shit. like I’m the fuckin’ shit—and I’m like, “I obviously don’t need this.” All They’re about to ask me about fucking a dude in the truck stop in 1989. the nerds laugh. I just thought I was the fucking shit, dude. Megan: Yeah, but who doesn’t know about that? Megan: …at the Star Trek convention. Paddy: Only the dude. Ben: Yeah, dude. Megan: Ben once said, “We all have routines that we follow every day Paddy: Do you still have it? and spend most of our lives trying to break those routines, but usually Ben: I didn’t need it. they turn out to be new routines altogether.” So, what’s the routine of Paddy: We need to write a song in Klingon. We’ve already conquered Bloodbath and Beyond? the earth. We need to reach out to special planets. Ben: Drinkin’ and smokin’ weed and drinkin’ and smokin’ weed. Megan: Mike, what’s it like to see the Spice Girls in concert? Davey: He’s so Nikki Six. Paddy: Whoa. Mike: I don’t even smoke weed and that’s how it works with me. Mike: Wow. Paddy: And listen to Hickey. 75 Almighty Do Me A Favor play in a gro- cery center parking lot, bashing away Hey Goober: Full while an upright citizen fed him a beer mid-song. It was fun. Much better than album art is the schwangled hipster fest that was prancing by on the other side of the required for parking lot wall. What I wasn’t a hun- dred percent expecting was how good review. Bradley’d sound on vinyl. I mean, I knew I’d like it, but part of the charm of Pre releases go a one-man band is seeing all the limbs flailing, whacking all sorts of things, into the trash. guitar strumming, harmonica honking, hootin’ and hollerin’. Almighty’s two 400 BLOWS: Angel’s Trumpets songs sound like they’re being played in and Devil’s Trombones: CD a loved house that is burning all around New hard tightness from this LA band him and the only thing he can do is play. who also puts on some of the best shows Playing somehow keeps the fire from I’ve seen lately. I’ve described them consuming him. Both songs are, in turn, before as Black Flag Sabbath: heavy, creaking and crackling; desperate and heavy dark riffs, math beats, some fuzz joyful; all-beautiful in an entrancing, through big amps—although no bass now-destructive, now-redemptive way. guitar—and higher vocals swimming It’s like the flames are on the final verge over it all. Catchy quickness sharing of no longer being controlled, of burn- time with moody sludge. Awesome. The ing so hot that the only memories they Blows could appeal to metalheads but will leave in their wake will be ash, so it’s also too confusing calculus (a la he’s got to dig deep to extinguish it. Not Ruins from Japan) for hessians. They’ve Sadly, there is no stank to a bad feeling to get from two songs. I played with varied bands as The Fuse!, can see fans of Hasil Adkins and the High On Fire, Fleshies, and The Locust. be found on this release. Bassholes cottoning to this real easily. All makes sense to me. –Speedway –Todd (Kapow) Randy (GSL) ALMIGHTY LUMBERJACKS 7 SHOT SCREAMERS: -Josh Benke OF DEATH: Always out of Keep the Flame Alive: CD Control, But Never out of Produced—horribly—by Levi Dexter, Beer: CD the immense sonic shrimpiness of these there’s some really great stuff on here you, but please price accordingly. If The lyrics to “Where are We Now?” would-be punk/glam-informed rocka- and it’s worth picking up. –Josh (Sub you’re gonna charge some sap nine make me kinda wonder about where billy brigands is not at all helped by the Pop) bucks for a shitty six-song EP, make these guys are coming from, especially fact that there’s a chord progression in sure said EP doesn’t look like something considering the “conservative” bent of “Kickin Myself” that sounds like it was ABI YOYOS: This World Is Not my drunk little brother did in Photoshop some of their other lyrics. To wit: “The lifted directly from “Jumping Someone My Home: 7” EP while he should have been out buying liberals say ‘Equality,’ but equality is a Else’s Train” by The Cure—though this I have the feeling that someone in the me cigarettes. –Keith Rosson (A-Bomb joke/Cuz they’ve got their hands around recording is so thin and ball-less it actu- Abi Yoyos really likes the Minutemen ChopShop) our necks and now we start to choke… ally makes The Cure sound like a bunch and Nomeansno and are channeling The city hall is full of shit/and so are all of hairy, obese bikers in chrome helmets them into the music without it bleeding ACTION SWINGERS: the schools/and now we’re waiting for with spikes coming out of the top by directly into the notes. There’s a nice, Self-titled: CD the day when once again we fuckin’ comparison. One might be given pause anxious melody and approach that per- Trashy, sludgy gutter rock with big gui- rule/gave ’em welfare, gave ’em jobs to wonder whether or not the instru- vades all of the songs. It’s a curious, tars and snarling vocals—what else and tried to educate/a century after we ments the band is depicted with on the not-quite-syncopated bounce and a way would you expect from a band com- freed the slaves all I see is hate.” I won’t cover are mere props, and if the band to mesh quite a bit of experimentation prised of members of Unsane, Pussy even get into the blind rah-rah patrio- actually recorded this disc with instru- and simultaneous approaches to a song Galore, Sonic Youth, and Chrome tism of “Soul of the Storm” or the hack- ments constructed completely out of without it sounding like chunks in musi- Cranks? As evidenced on this reissue of neyed odes to drinking and having to Saltine crackers—but, on the bright cal throwup. I got that feeling the first their first album, these guys took the work that abound on this “complete col- side, if you’ve ever wondered what time I heard the Ergs! The surface is one best of ‘60s lo-fi, no wave, punk rock, lection.” The almost totally illegible “Born Too Loose” would’ve sounded thing—they’re definitely a great first and Stoogified rock’n’roll and just font they used for the booklet didn’t like had the Dead Milkmen covered it, listen—but repeated listens are begin- fucked ’em all up in the best of ways. help matters much, either. Musically this might be as close as you need to get ning to shower me with different-than- This is definitely some mandatory lis- they ain’t all that bad as far as modern right here. Dudes: Levi’s got a cool expected, hotter burning sparks. A tening for your next garden party. American skinhead stuff goes (which I jacket and all, but the next time you pleasant surprise. –Todd (Abi Yoyos) –Jimmy Alvarado (Reptilian) realize ain’t saying much considering guys go into the studio, you might their competition), but I don’t really see wanna consider parking him down at the A-BOMB CHOP SHOP: From AGAINST ME!: Sink, Florida, how what they do is fundamentally any pub early on. Geez, i hope he at least the Coffin to the Rave: CD-R Sink b/w Unsubstantiated different than your average modern kept his shirt on. BEST SONG: “Born We all know the staff of Razorcake does Rumors: 7” country music concert, Fox newscast, or Too Loose,” duh. BEST SONG TITLE: wonders, aesthetically and otherwise, For the fans: two alternate versions of Clear Channel-sponsored flag-waving “TV,” although it is not the Rose Tattoo within the constraints of a budget—I songs from the Fat full-length. For the rally. Ultimately, the whole thing comes song of the same name FANTASTIC acknowledge this. However, it is at this collectors: the cover is a die-cut dement- off as a not-too-funny joke, which I’m AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: I met Levi juncture in time in which I would ed piece of work. Imagine if you will: pretty sure wasn’t their intention. Dexter. –Rev. Nørb (Haunted Town) implore, plead, and beg Sean and Todd Gingerbread Man 1 appears to be hug- –Jimmy Alvarado (Disconnected) to at least consider the possibility of tak- ging his counterpart, Gingerbread Man A FRAMES, THE: ing out health insurance policies on its 2. As you begin to open the cover to get AMISH ARMADA: Black Forest: CD reviewers. Because I am fucking dying at the music, you see that GM 1 has Give Up: CD Think of the Fall as a coin. If a band like here. This is sickeningly bad psychobil- actually punctured GM 2’s stomach and Hard-rocking Christians are always a the Country Teasers represents the ly pabulum of the lowest order. Never a that because of your meddling, his hand hoot. Few things jack the needle up on funny, ironic side of the Fall, then the A genre known for its lyrical brilliance, is prematurely pulled back revealing the the old laff-o-meter like constipated Frames would be the dark, edgy, sar- this is still incredibly, nearly majestical- large wound. As you open the cover fur- religious folk doing the Satan Rock donic side. For a three-piece, the A ly stupid. In most cases, I would say, ther, GM 1’s hand is released (you can thing. Remember Stryper? Sweet Jesus, Frames are amazingly tight; there’s a “Some lyrics or band information would see the 7” at this point) and out of the what’s funnier than a bunch of born- constant push-and-pull going on, with have been nice.” But not this time. Oh, gaping hole of GM 2’s stomach spews again Christians wrapped in tight span- none of the instruments really taking and one more thing, Mr. Chop Shop, sir: his candy guts, all over the place in a dex and playing hair metal? How about center stage. I don’t really pay attention if you’re going to put an $8.95 price tag rainbow upheaval of epic piñata propor- some Amish gentlemen casting aside to trends in music, but it seems like on the front of your album, please make tions. Fuck yeah. –Mr. Z (No Idea) their hoes and butter-churners and pick- bands that draw from late ‘70s British certain the paper template you’ve ing up electrical instruments to unleash post-punk are getting a lot of hype these pressed onto the cover of your CD-R ALMIGHTY DO ME an unholy sound that falls somewhere days, and I’d just like to say that the A doesn’t show the lines from your laser A FAVOR: Calibama b/w between Jesus Lizard and Fear? This is Frames are too confrontational and non- printer. Doesn’t look good at all, hoss. If Hoke’s Bluff: 7” the Amish Armada’s second full length commercial to be lumped in with all that you’re gonna present something in a One of my favorite memories in music and I’m sure there will be those who shit. As an album, it’s a bit spotty but DIY but half-assed manner, I applaud last year was seeing the one-man-band will describe them as an Amish Gwar; and while that comparison isn’t totally 76 without merit, it’s a tad superficial. I hear rock (which means that it compares a myriad of influences here, everything favorably with contemporaries like from Mr. Bungle and the Dead Kennedys Beulah, the Pernice Brothers, the to Merle Travis. And when you add to Aluminum Group and other chamber- that a crazed frontman with a mustache- pop specialists). This album strikes me less beard and a wide brim black hat who as one that will take some time to grow sounds like Lee Ving in his angrier days, on me, but don’t be surprised if you hear you’ve got a wonderfully weird and about it again around the end of the year potent mix. There’s just something about when I do my “best of” list because it Top 40 7”s the notion of an Amish Lee Ving that just seems that there’s a little too much puts a little hike in my giddup. I never here to appreciate in the span of time that imagined neo-Luddites could be this most critics (myself included, this time) much fun. Eclectic, dastardly smart, and have to evaluate an album’s merits. Mark This is a record funnier than an Amish circle jerk, the it eight, dude. –Puckett (Prison Jazz) Amish Armada are a swift kick in the player. It’s installed britches and are worthy of much notori- AT THE SPINE: in the dashboard ety. If I only knew the secret Amish gang First Day of Spring: CD handshake, I would shake their hands I think what annoys me most about this of a car. It’s like heartily. Good stuff. Bring this disc to record is the plea on the back to support your next quilting bee. –Aphid Peewit independent music and to avoid copying the future! (Amish Armada) this record if you can help it. Dudes, you don’t have to worry about that last bit— These are the ANTIGAMA: Discomfort: CD I like people and wouldn’t want to sub- top 7”s since I asked the Missus to hit play on the CD ject them to this. As to the first point, the last mag. player and initially thought the noise I fuck independent music. Support GOOD heard was a garbage truck emptying the music. This is everything but. I had real- dumpster behind our apartment—lots of ized over the years that there is simply rumbling, some sort of industrial motor no end to the things I can’t do in music— Underground Medicine Mailorder, Conneticut screeching and chugging. But it was I can’t play guitar, bass, drums, flute, Thursday, and our trash gets picked up saxophone, keyboards, tuba, bassoon… on Tuesday. The noise I heard was actu- none of that shit. I can’t read or write 1. Reatards, Plastic Surgery (Shattered) ally the grinding, metallic sounds of music. I can’t even whistle in tune. And , Walk Alone (Jonny Cat) Antigama. This stuff is brutal: gruff, gut- singing? You’re kidding, right? At any 2. Observers tural, distorted vocals that sound as if the rate, I thought I knew all of that until I 3. Catholic Boys, Actin’ Stupid (No Fuckin’ Chance) singer’s vocal chords have been shred- heard this and with the exception of a (Shattered) 4. Tokyo Electron, Put a Charge in You ded with a weed whacker; mind-bog- couple of pseudo-solos, I can play every (Yakisana) gling time changes, starts and stops; goddamned thing on this disc and do it 5. Black Time, Beat of the Traps (Discourage) frenzied drumming; violent, punishing better because I at least figured out how 6. Nice Boys, You Won’t See Me Anymore riffage. Antigama go straight for your to play a Ramones song or two on every , Beautiful Brutal (Zaxxon Virile Action) insides and rattle your core, sure to shake instrument over the years. I can’t sing, 7. Nervous Patterns loose the shit from even the most consti- but at least I have the good sense not to 8. DC Snipers/Shop Fronts , split (Your Permanent Records) pated bowels. I can almost get into it try (meaning that, unlike this record, 9. Tragicz, Television Slave (Hate) when they find a groove, like on you’ll rarely hear me off-pitch) and to (Out of Order) “Bloodmaker” and “Who Is My Enemy,” yell in something approximating the 10. Dissimilars, Jimmy’s Room but the rest of it is completely lost on me. same key. This? Fuck this. –Puckett Great if you’re into this kinda thing. (Global Seepaj) –Josh Benke, Cultural Ambassador (SelfMadeGod) BAKER STREET IRREGU- Damian of Fucked Up, LARS, THE: Self-titled: CD who is a proud Pepsi enthusiast ANTI-PASTI: Dear Robert Daniel of Savannah, The Last Call: CD Georgia: I really like the first part of this 1. Urban Blight, self-titled (Deranged) This is a reissue of this UK punk band’s CD. To me, it sounds like a lower-fi, 2. Career Suicide, Signals (Slasher) first album, with requisite singles, live Southern version of Replacements. The tracks, and alternate takes added on for problem, though, is that about halfway 3. So Be It, The Wrath of the Skies (Deathwish, Inc.) good measure. A bit of an anomaly on through, the CD player starts freaking 4. Observers, Walk Alone (Jonny Cat) the UK political punk scene at the time, out and skipping, and I can’t even make 5. Haymaker, Anti-Pasti played at a considerably slow- it to your version of “Mama Tried.” I Lost Tribes (Deranged) 6. er pace and with less histrionics than realize that it’s just a technological prob- Clorox Girls, The Dimension (Jonny Cat) many of their contemporaries, but they lem and it’s nobody’s fault, but hopeful- 7. Gorilla Angreb, self-titled (Feral Ward) did seethe with a righteous anger, and ly we can find a way to blame Bradley had an uncanny knack for finding a Williams for whatever went wrong. And 8. Lion of Judah, Soul Power (Lockin’ Out) groove in the simplest of riffs and milk- I was also wondering if your pseudonym 9. Clusterfuck ing it for all it’s worth. The album itself was an Andy Griffith Show reference or , Midlife Crisis (Wintermute) is quite good, but the real treat here are just a coincidence. Thanks for listening. 10. Restless Youth the extras, which include the classic “No –Josh (Official UDC Headquarters) , State of Confusion (Painkiller) Government” and “Six Guns” singles tracks and the live cuts recorded on the BANG! BANG!: “Apocalypse” tour. –Jimmy Alvarado Electric Sex: CDEP (Captain Oi) A new band out of Chicago that is bring- ing back memories of ‘80s new wave Disgruntled Mailorder, California ANTISEEN: with a bass player that sings like Terry Thee from Parts Unknown: 7” Bozzio and music that has elements of 1. Dils, 198 Seconds of... It’s heavy and simple. Gruff and mean. early Devo and the Waitresses. Fun and a (Dangerhouse) 2. Functional Blackouts In other words, it’s a damn Antiseen welcome change from all the death metal , Chemical Bath (Wrench) record. Four blasts of rock’n’roll evil- and thrash that I have been listening to 3. Randoms, ABCD (Dangerhouse) ness here. No new ground covered, but lately. –Donofthedead (Morphius) 4. Jeffrey Novak’s One Man Band that would just be silly anyway. What , Stranded (Yakisana) you see is what you get. Four scary BARS: Introducing…: CD 5. Real Losers/Illegal Movers, split (Ken Rock) dudes playing four scary tunes. I really Considering how many times I’ve point- 6. Beat Beat Beat, self-titled (Douche Master) liked the female vocal breakdown in the ed out that merely listing bands that pro- title track. This is the soundtrack to your vided members for a project is the cheap- 7. Earaches, Freedumb Fries (Steel Cage) next backyard wrestling extravaganza! est of a reviewer’s many cheap tricks, I –Ty Stranglehold (Scarey) shouldn’t be surprised that—for once—it 8. DC Sniper/Shop Fronts , split (Your Permanent Records) bit me in the ass. The Bars includes A-SIDES, THE: members of The Hope Conspiracy, Give 9. Dean Dirge, Chimpanzee (Ken Rock) Hello, Hello: CD Up the Ghost, and the Suicide File, three Gentle, lilting pop music which sounds of my favorite hardcore and punk bands 10. Black Time, Beat of the Traps like a throwback to the 1960s. It’s actu- of this decade to date, and it sounds like (Yakisana) ally a very pleasant surprise of Beach what you might expect from people Boys-inflected, Pet Sounds-era sunshine steeped in rock and roll and the more vis- ceral side of hardcore (Black Flag and debuts. First and foremost, it reminds ping push ups on the hoods of their vic- BLACK HALOS: the Funhouse-era Stooges are two me of the Replacements. Not just tims’ SUVs, I like them. When they Alive Without Control: CD bands that spring most immediately to generically Replacement-esque, but a start playing originals that remind It took me awhile to “get” the Black mind, but there are a handful of groups celebration of almost their entire cata- me—rightly or wrongly—of “Wang Halos. The lead singer, at first, sounds which exhibited a similar level of log, cherry picked, distilled, and turned Dang Sweet Poontang,” I’m less than almost like a cartoon character with intensity and a similar approach to into a new form of DIY wine. The enthralled. I just don’t like the wank- laryngitis. They definitely fit the rock‘n’roll damage and destruction). songwriting, although not as bombas- ing. I like it when they hit the after- Johnny Thunders, near-dead, spike-in- Simply put, this is a snarling, ferocious, tic, and taking a couple of spins to let burners. So, it’s a 50/50 proposition. vein, blackened lips and eyes, pale- steel-booted kick in the teeth—it’s far settle in, is just as compelling when –Todd (Newest Industry) faced aesthetic. All fine and well, but more recidivist than most contempo- they go fast and when they cool their the fact that they released the underrat- rary hardcore; instead of focusing on heels. Megan Pants made the astute BLACK COUGAR SHOCK ed and barely heralded magnum opus, smooth, polished riffs and more stan- remark when listening to this: “It UNIT: Hello Black Cougar The Violent Years, four years ago ratch- dard modern hardcore production, it sounds old, like it came out awhile Shock Unit: CDEP eted them up several notches. The bristles with jagged edges, rock riffs, ago.” And she’s right—old not mean- I get the feeling this came out in kind of Violent Years sound like Thunders, and menace. This is the Altamont to ing bad. Curiously, this has all the ear- a hurry. Four originals (one not listed) except with compassion for a strug- modern hardcore’s Woodstock; as the marks of a landmark early ‘80s punk and three covers, with pretty minimal gling culture beyond his own devices. Bars rampage through these blistering record without the distasteful smell of artwork and absolutely no information Alive Without Control is excellent: guitar-driven songs, it feels more like a burned-out rehash. Bent Outta Shape save for a lyric sheet. I have no idea catchy, swaggering, and confident, and bats-and-chains street fight than any have rediscovered a comfortable, excit- where this band is from or what kind of although I like gems on it like “Darkest recent form of punk. To my way of ing sound, one that I think got discard- scene they’re in. I’m totally in the dark. Corners,” I find myself reaching back thinking, that makes this record even ed before being fully explored. Why Having said that, this is pretty good. and playing The Violent Years louder more enjoyable, precisely because it the hell not revive the ghosts and push It’s riffy, heavy rock that sounds like and louder. With that record, there just neither pulls punches nor takes the them further than they went before? it’s being made by ex-straightedge seems to be more lurking behind them easy, commercial way out. Perhaps Excellent stuff. –Todd kids. Seriously, that’s what it sounds all, like a feeling of being hunted. Who even more importantly and impressive, (Recess / Tapes Records) like to me. Or kinda like the JJ Paradise knows? It took me a good year to fully even though Bars includes members of Player’s Club. The lyrics are real pissed embrace the previous album. Maybe a number of contemporary hardcore BLACK COUGAR SHOCK off (in two of the songs, the words “go it’ll take some more time drinking with bands, it doesn’t really sound like any UNIT: Godzilla Tripwire: CD fuck yourself” appear several times) this one to take full hold. I’m patient. of those bands—these musicians got You can tell me to shut the fuck up and the artwork is just altered Sanrio –Todd (Liquor and Poker) together and created something differ- about Panthro UK United 13 at any characters that must be one of the ent from what they had done in the time, but the fact is that I’ve put Sound band’s inside jokes or something. I did- BLACK SUNDAY: past. While I can’t call it new, it’s still a of a Gun on consistently since 1998. n’t like the slower-and-wimpier cover Tronic Blanc: CD very welcome rabbit punch of rock- Maybe I should just get over it. But of Devo’s “Freedom of Choice” but I Another side project of Alicja Trout, ’n’roll. –Puckett (Equal Vision) Alex’s voice and guitar are distinctive really liked the cover of Steve Martin’s who has been involved with seemingly as is Shane’s drumming, and when I “King Tut.” Hey guys, on the next half of the records to come out of BENT OUTTA SHAPE: pop in House on Fire (whose debut EP record just put a little bit of informa- Memphis in the past five years. Here Stray Dog Town: LP ruled) or Black Cougar Shock Unit, I tion, okay? Postscript: A few days after she’s playing almost all the instruments Don’t get scared when I say Bent Outta keep reflecting back to PUKU 13 and I wrote this review, I got an email from herself and doing a pretty damn good Shape has matured from their tumbling comparing and contrasting. And I’ve my old buddy Mick. He told me he’d job. At times, it sounds kind of like the 12”EP and early 7”s. They’re not come to this conclusion: I don’t like moved to Atlanta and joined a band Mouserocket album and at others, it singing about mortgages, elbowing into hard rock noodling in my punk. When with some ex-Panthro UK United 13 sounds like a lo-fi Lost Sounds outtake. sweater vests, and ordering lattes in Black Cougar Shock Unit blast from dudes called Black Cougar Shock Unit. I can’t promise it’ll blow your mind—I Volvos. But, this LP is a marked depar- the gates, stomp holes in drywall, put Oh. –Ben Snakepit (Newest Industry) mean, you can pretty much just read the ture from their delightfully rip-shod the cat in the oven, and piss in the first sentence of the review and decide Toys That Kill meets Horrible Odds neighbors’ ears while doing hand-clap- whether or not you need this—but she You will most likely never find me at a “Dolemite” Moore, dishes up a bevy of ing my way down to the armpits, crotch, writes good songs and has a good voice hardcore show. From what I have seen rap and soul flavored tracks addressing and thighs without taking too much and that’s about all you can ask for. If in the past and seen on videos, I could booger-picking, sex, gay Black notice of the music: catchy, poppy, you’re unfamiliar with her musical not stand the crowd with all that machis- Republicans, ugly people, and “The punky, in the same vein as Sloppy efforts, a good primer is the Black Wave mo going around. In terms of music Great Debate” (which is better: older or Seconds (from whom they ripped off a album that the Lost Sounds put out a though, I’m pretty easy going. I usually younger pussy?), with the word “cunt” number of guitar leads) and Forgotten couple years back and then this would focus on the music. As long as it’s not sprinkled liberally throughout and Rebels (from whom they pilfered the be your next logical step. –Josh racist, sexist, or lyrically remedial in the vignettes explaining what he will do to slowed-down, heartfelt intro to “I Want (Dirtnap) fourth grade sense, I can usually listen. I improve the state of the country when You Mine” and nose-plugged-full-of- like to bang my head sometimes, so this elected president. The results are a bit of snot vocal delivery), sans the inspired BLARE BITCH PROJECT: does appeal to me. With a great record- a mixed bag. When it works, like on “I song writing and stunted, juvenile sens- Double Distortion Burger: CD ing, the guitars are crunchy and the bass Believe My Dick Can Fly,” the results es of humor that made those bands In the vein of Los Angeles nightclub and drums are solid. Adding musician- are pretty funny, but when it doesn’t, it great. I began cleansing my anus as cock rock, this record delivers the goods ship, these chaps know how to play and sounds like he was just trying to come “One Track Mind” cued up. Not bad. but with only half the cocks. It’s high- write some mighty mean tunes. up with enough material to reach the Certainly my favorite song on the CD. octane rock’n’roll with heavy slather- Everything I like in a band like Strife is half-hour mark. –Jimmy Alvarado The cruel twist is that my affinity for the ings of rawk, but one can still sense the represented here. Full of energy and (Alternative Tentacles) song and proximity of hand-to-rectum ghost of Gene Vincent lurking some- rage. –Donofthedead (Spook City) have been intertwined, creating a where behind all the power chords. Not, BLOWTOPS: bizarre, Pavlovian response whereupon perhaps, one for the ages, but if records BLOOD, THE: False Gestures Mad Monk Medication: 7” hearing it, I’m filled with a desperate are like lovers, this is that wild girl you for a Devious Public: CD Two wild, fuzzed-the-fugg-out ravers urge to cram a few fingers into my ass- went out with for two weeks and smile Having only previously heard “Such that preen and pirouette on the fine line hole. Son of a bitch, I’m never shower- about for the rest of your life. –The Lord Fun” on one of the oi compilations and between noise, punk, and balls-out rock- ing with these guys again. And, fellas, if Kveldulfr (Steel Cage) “Stark Raving Normal” on another ’n’roll. The tune on the flip is a slow, yer gonna call yerselves the comp I forget the name of, the rest of twisted slab o’ psycho pop that decides Bombshells, the least ya could do is put BLASTOFFS, THE: this disc, a reissue of their album, was a every so often to whop you upside the a smokin’ hot babe on the cover. That Sin to Win: CD bit of a surprise. Although there’s quite head with a noisy interlude. I’m Miguel Hell ain’t so easy on the eyes. Stripped down, no-frills punk’n’roll a bit of metal in them geetars, there’s a impressed. –Jimmy Alvarado –Josh Benke, Cultural Ambassador with a crushing low end that makes me definite Peter and the Test Tube Babies (Big Neck) (No Front Teeth) want to break shit. At times it becomes a feel to much of the tuneage here, a good bit dull and formulaic, but not that often, chunk of which thrashes along in wild BOMBSHELLS, THE: BROKEN BONES: Time for and some of these tunes knock me over abandon. The lyrics, for the most part, Self-titled: CD Anger, Not Justice: CD like a swift kick in the nutsack, but in a are either pointed potshots at the pope or What better way to start a Saturday All right, I’ll admit it: I’m easily con- good way. –The Lord Kveldulfr of the cleverly dumb variety hell-bent morning than with some punk rock fused. But it’s taken me several orbits (The Blastoffs) on offending as much of the population record reviewin’ and tending to some around our sun to realize that that’s a as possible, an approach that is heartily personal hygiene? Kill two birds with “good thing.” As human beings go, I BLOOD IN BLOOD OUT: encouraged in these parts. The addition one stone, or Bombshell, if you will. seem to be some sort of rough fish that Respect Our Loyalty: CD of assorted bonus tracks from singles, The first verse of “She’s Coming” swims best in muddied waters where Musically, I love hardcore music. You comps, and demos make this a nice sounds so much like the Problematics things are not clear and uncertainty pre- get the heavy guitar riffings of metal overview of the band’s career. –Jimmy “Here We Come” that I started singing vails. So whereas your typical buttoned- and the anger of punk. Lyrically, I find it Alvarado (Captain Oi) “And it happens all the ti-i-i-ime…” up music critic might have his bloomers amusing that there is so much posturing when it came time for the chorus while bunched around his ass regarding this about loyalty and such. Like it’s a self- BLOWFLY: Fahrenheit 69: CD listening to this in the shower. I sham- disc—I am splashing about with stupid esteem problem and you have to over- Blowfly, a contemporary of ‘70s X- pooed my hair and washed my face to “I bullhead abandon. The rub of uncertain- compensate to show that you belong. rated comedians like Rudy Ray Want You Mine” and “Oh Yeah,” work- ty, in the case of these Broken Bones gents, is as follows: this is a band I to make fantastic recordings, and two, noteworthy band. Nothing, NOTHING the first song) and he has a range of know very little about, but it seems to when ripping it up live, they continue to about them is remotely creative, origi- about five notes. Funky soul music me that they have been allied with make believers of those who think that nal, or interesting. Their music is a should have attitude and be brought to Wattie and the Exploited and have even rock and roll has gone off like an ailing hackneyed, Nth-generation Xerox copy you with a heapin’ helpin’ of stank! had, at times, an ex-Exploited member cat to hide and die. These few things, by of what some middle-aged TV exec Sadly, there is no stank to be found on or two in their ranks. We all know that the way, are the only things that truly thinks punk looks and sounds like and, this release. –Josh Benke, Cultural Wattie is, under a heat lamp, about as matter when being a band to begin with. ultimately, they are about as much a Ambassador (Mindless) bright as a bag of horse boogers and Everything else is hot fucking air. This symbol of rebellion against the status rumors have continued to circulate that said, the disc here is a Hungry Man®- quo as Avril Lavigne or Backstreet COLTRANE MOTION: he is a door-to-door salesman for a sized portion of singles, tribute LP cuts, Boys. They are the purveyors of zero No Well OK Maybe White Power organization called Blood and the like from their past offerings. style, zippo substance and, not being Just a Little: CDEP & Honour. What does this have to do Surefire cuts that’ll result with some- satisfied with making a mockery of the Four “tracks” of fairly enjoyable, fairly with Broken Bones? Very little, I hope. one’s foot through the drywall at your English language, they have decided to “mellow” electronic “music” which, if it It’s just that the way I’ve always heard next house party are “You Want What,” profane Spanish with their insipid hasn’t “happened” already, I’m sure I’ll it: Broken Bones, Exploited, and “Picture My Face,” and the rip-roaring attempts at songwriting. You’d get more “appreciate” as the perfect “soundtrack” Discharge are/were like Siamese triplets cover of Mr. David Bowie’s from staring at television static than you when I hear it on a “Volkswagen” “com- attached at the ass. That means what “Suffragette City.” Like their r’n’r col- would listening to this. –Jimmy mercial.” –Cuss Baxter (datawaslost) flows through one, flows through the leagues Motörhead, the Ramones, Alvarado (Sideonedummy) others and that might very well include Throw Rag, or The Riverboat Gamblers, COMMANDANTES: Lieber für a gene for vicious canine stupidity. At anything Candy Snatchers isn’t just a CATCH, THE: Get Cool: CD Die Arbeiterhlasse: CD very least, judging by the album art- no-brainer, it’s essential. –Designated I sure have a soft spot for female vocals Commie street punk from Germany. work, they certainly share with Wattie Dale (Roulettes) that are dreamy and pretty. The songs on Can’t say I’m all that hip to the commie an adolescent fixation with human this caught me right away. A little new trip, but I do respect ’em for taking a skulls. But maybe that’s about all they CAPITAL DEATH: Carbon: 7” wave, power pop, and some pop punk road not often traveled in punklandia. share. The lyrics of songs like “G8” and In another review somewhere around mixed together to make their brand of –Jimmy Alvarado (Mad Butcher) “Justify War” would seem to indicate, here I said that I couldn’t handle that garage music. Reminded me what unless I’m missing out on some delicate crusty, growly grind stuff. I stand by would happen if you put together CONFLICT: There Is No British sarcasm, that these gents actual- that, but this record brings up an inter- Veruca Salt, Elastica, the Go Go’s and Power Without Control: CD ly fall somewhat left of center and there- esting point (to me, anyways). How is it the Breeders and send them to the bub- While I’ll be the first to admit (before fore, they would be unlikely to foster that I do like crusty, screamy political blegum factory. Infectious. my homies call me on it) I’ve never any unorthodox sexual fetishes involv- hardcore stuff? Both are, for the most –Donofthedead (Made in Mexico) been much of a Conflict fan (based ing Adolf Hitler’s smart little mustache. part, annoying and unintelligible, yet the more on musical, rather than political, Bottom line is that this music makes me latter just seems more, you know, CELEBRITY MURDERS: The differences of opinion), I gotta say it’s envision shirtless goons with big hairy PUNK, I guess. At any rate, Capital Island of Man-Eating Rats: mighty fine hearing these guys making a shoulders and too few teeth beating the Death play screamy, crust political punk one-sided, four-song 7” EP racket again. One of England’s premier droppings out of a bunch of Promise that will suit me just fine when the Discomforting New York-based hard- anarcho punk bands that has been per- Keeper/Ken Jennings types in a dark mood strikes me. Somehow I knew core that takes its cues of loathing, pes- plexingly lumped into the “street punk” alleyway. And music that makes me these guys were Canadian just by hear- simism, hatred (except of Mussolini, ghetto for some reason in recent years, think happy thoughts like that always ing them. Confirmation came well hid- who’s thanked), from early Agnostic Conflict took the template laid out by warms the cockles of this old bullhead den in the liner notes. Strange. –Ty Front (barely tuneful, all energy’s in the contemporaries like Crass (with whom heart of mine. Bones and the boys serve Stranglehold (Punks Before Profits) attack, not putting on makeup) and early they shared a lead singer, although not up Wooly Mammoth slabs of metallic Sick Of It All (the shaved-down metal at the same time), ratcheted up the inten- hardcore similar in heft to that of the CAREER SUICIDE: guitar, especially). It’s less tough guy sity levels and tempos, and belched Exploited but, thankfully, without the Invisible Eyes: 12” and more miscreant/ bad attitude/ infect- forth angry sheets of noisy punk that retard-o-centric trimmings of their bot- I don’t know how Career Suicide keeps ed boil/ stuck-behind-a-bad-driver- railed against the government, animal tom-feeding kinfolk. Ask Oprah: guilt- putting out records like this, but HOLY their-entire-lives, about-to-kill-the-next- abusers, war, and corporations poised to free hardcore is a beautiful thing. FUCKING SHIT am I glad they’re fucker-who-doesn’t-use-their-turn-sig- take over the world. Given the fact that –Aphid Peewit (Dr. Strange) around. Unlike many of the hardcore nal vibe. Effective. Artie from the many of the very things they were bands from the early ‘80s that they emu- Shemps is singing, but it sounds nothing attacking twenty years ago have, in BRUTAL KNIGHTS: late, who usually only managed one or like the Shemps. –Todd some cases, become the norm, it will Not Fun: 7” EP two good albums, Career Suicide has (Chainsaw Safety) come as no surprise that their latest Canadian, punk-informed, hairy-voiced, yet to let me down. And at this point, album is chock full of musical assaults Lemmy-lovin’ rock, matching the sensi- they’ve blown away their influences, to CHARIOTS: on that very same power structure. bilities and sounds of Minneapolis’s the point where saying “rad Congratulations: CD Musically, they are just as harsh as they Midnight Evils. So, it’s not ironic. It’s Freeze/Circle Jerks kinda stuff” doesn’t Even with the keyboards this sounds too ever were, but after more than a decade not tedious. It’s not precious. They’ve do them justice. As a matter of fact, I’ll screamo for my liking. –Donofthedead of sugar-coated boy-pop preening and got the good sense to shear off the solos, go ahead and say that if your taste in (Troublemanunlimited) posturing as if it was somehow punk, their songs are as sturdy as the buttons music ever veers towards the faster, their brand of sonic bludgeoning actual- on a denim jacket, and they fly the punk more aggressive side of things, you CHIXDIGGIT!: ly comes off as fresh and invigorating. and roll flag proudly. Not bad. Geek need this record. Christ, this is a com- Pink Razors: CD Good stuff. –Jimmy Alvarado (SOS) note: They appropriated the Volt plete smoker, through and through. I believe we all go through phases in Records label for the 45. –Todd –Josh (Feral Ward, www.feralward.com) life. I have been in the metal/thrash CONVERGE: Petitioning the (Deranged) mode lately. But I’m not rigged. On the Empty Sky: CD CASKET LIFE: The Good first track of this CD, I wrote this off as When Forever Comes BUCKET FULL OF TEETH: Times Are Killing Me: CD NOFX. But the second track, “I Crashing: CD IV: CD Heralded as a harbinger of the burgeon- Remember You,” sucked me in. What a Re-mastered and re-issued, these Rubber gorillas fight fluttering birdies ing (and long-suffering) Arizona punk great pop song! I can hear this one get- Converge records—now more than on the lip of a spitting volcano. A dwarf scene, Casket Life is reminiscent of ting popular on alternative radio and seven years old—still destroy and still in chain mail stands by, grinding his Filth, Minor Threat, and Egg Hunt. But making me feel sick because others are dominate the ham-fisted and fumbling jaundiced teeth, and tosses ping pong don’t call them emo. Or hardcore. And discovering my dirty little secret. It’s a attempts to create truly heavy music. balls into the crater where they inciner- they’re too clean looking to be street song that will live longer than the band, These albums may not have been the ate in whispers, inches above the roiling punx. They’re just punks. And pretty a song so perfect that it sticks in your genesis of metallic hardcore (depending lava. A dogcatcher pounds, intermittent- darned good at it. It lacks some cohe- cranium for hours because it’s so catchy. on what you consider metallic hardcore) ly, on the dwarf’s dented helmet with a sion and I wasn’t totally glued to it, but I really don’t have to listen to the rest of but they are undoubtedly essential flash- bronzed horse dick, pausing now and heck, they’re young. It’ll develop. Not the CD because I found a song that I points. These two records are pretty then to shift the weight of the bricks bad at all. –Jessica T will listen to for the rest of my lifetime. much crucial if you like punk, metal, taped to the back of his sweater. The (Stomping Ground) I have become a believer of their abili- hardcore or music. –Puckett alpha gorilla got gum in his hair. –Cuss ties to write a great melody. Anyone (Equal Vision) Baxter (Level Plane) CASUALTIES: En la Linea del who can put a smile on this old bitter Frente: CD guy’s face is a band you have to check CRANKED UP!: CANDY SNATCHERS, THE: Why this sad sack of a group manages out if you want something more on the This Is a Weapon: CD Ugly on the Outside: CD to survive, let alone enjoy any modicum pop tip. –Donofthedead (Fat) A successful return to old. It’s been a I start to sound like an annoying, skip- of popularity, is bound to be the subject long, long time since I came across an ping record whenever I speak of The of much future scientific research. I CHROME PISTOLA: overtly politi-punk band that I found Candy Snatchers, so I’m gonna keep it mean, c’mon kids, they are SUCH a piss Victimize Yourself: CDEP satisfying, but Cranked Up! fit the bill. to a minimum and only speak of the few poor joke, more the embodiment of Reminds me of those jerks that sang The lyrics revolve around different things these nutjobs have done oh-so- every lame punk stereotype the media “The Bad Touch.” The singer’s metaphors and means of resisting well over the years. One, they continue has invented thus far than an actual (singers’?) delivery is flat (he/they rap authority/the state/the reactionary, etc.,

80 but don’t really come off as clichéd—a It’s about what you’d expect when a doing so without at least giving it a lis- DEAD BETTIES: real danger in such situations—and guy makes a record with his wife ten. Not bad for what it is. –Jessica T Summer of 93: CD they’re put to some truly energetic and instead of his ragged rock band; (Southern) Given the band name and the album catchy punk; all in all, a good package. reduced volume and velocity, intro- title, I fully expected some lame pop The liner notes do provide little blurbs spective lyrics set to contemplative DARKBUSTER: punk tripe. What I got was skronky about the songs, though, and that irks arrangements (though pretty dense A Weakness for Spirits: CD noise punk. I guess sometimes you me ‘cause as I see it, if you need to arrangements much of the time—while If you love catchy, drunk punk that’ll really can’t judge a book by its cover. explain your lyrics then your lyrics the sound isn’t really close, there are stick to the top of your brain and you’ll –Jimmy Alvarado (Heartcore, no haven’t done the job in the first place. certain stylistic and conceptual similar- keep on singing along to for years, I address) I’ll let that go, though, since the rest of ities to Royal Trux), acoustic guitars highly suggest Darkbuster’s side of the the record merits my approval. –The and pianos, and the performer’s own their split with Tommy and the Terrors DEAD CELEBRITIES: Lord Kveldulfr (Creep) visual art. I can’t quibble with most of on Rodent Popsicle that came out sev- Cleanup on Aisle: CD it, and genuinely like a couple tracks eral years ago. That shit fuckin’ After a six-year run as one of the pre- CUT CITY: Self-titled: CD (particularly the bouncy “Americana smokes. I was stoked to get this. I was mier bands on the St. Louis punk scene, No track names and zippo band infor- Strip Mall Rag”), but repeated listens disappointed when I played it. Gone is the Dead Celebrities broke up in early mation with this one, which is annoy- draw attention to just that: repetition. the feeling of guys who are—in the 2005. This album, the group’s only ing, but no matter. This is a nice bit of Melchior, on this record, tends to beat form of songs—breaking full pitchers full-length studio release, is a memo- indie pop with a smidge of lighter certain lines into the ground, which of beer over your head and you can’t rable mix of fury and humor. Guitarist Sonic Youth fare in some places and a puzzles me as he’s clearly smart stop smiling. Gone is the feeling— Elvis Kennedy creates jaggedly power- dash of ‘80s twee in others, neither of enough to write a whole song’s worth again, in the form of songs—of spilt ful riffs and John Paul Nixon is a stand- which become so overbearing as to of words. Ultimately that repetition beer in a full ashtray and they would out drummer. The band’s sound bears a overshadow the band’s own strengths. will be the reason I won’t play this gulp it up without a second thought; resemblance to the music of the UK Subs and the Skulls, and vocalist Sid Charming enough to grab your atten- record much. –Cuss Baxter (Shake It) that liquid, dirty, sloppy, fun spirit. No Sinatra is a witty voice of exasperation. tion and catchy enough to keep it. judgement on the personalities behind The first song on the album is “Bail,” a –Jimmy Alvarado (GSL) DAREDIABLO: the band, but this is just “pro” in all the breakneck hardcore rant about a dis- Twenty Paces: CD wrong ways, where fun has been agreement with a policeman. The track DAN BAND, THE: Live!: CD While formulaic alt-country in appear- replaced by calculation. There’s their would make a worthy pairing with In the day and age of American Idol ance (map of Texas, muddy boot, take writing a Rancid-esque song. T.S.O.L’s “Anticop” on a punk compi- and karaoke, it’s an easier sell when catchy name, and song titles like “Billy There’s their take on a Social lation album about law enforcement. you hear someone covering a song that Got Worse” and “Nife Fite on Wife Distortion-esque song. There’s their (There’s an idea.) “Sweet Love Song” you have heard before. So add the gim- Nite”), I was quite perplexed when I take on writing a Dropkick Murphys- moves at equally high speed and is mick that a man covers songs sung by read that the Village Voice called esque song. There’s their take on writ- probably Cleanup’s funniest track, with women adds to the flair. Now picture Darediablo a “jazz-funk prog-rock ing a song for armed forces recruit- its mock-angry chorus of “Your ugly going to Vegas and seeing a revue per- trio.” I groaned audibly—what a night- ment. And it’s all polished to a high baby shoulda been mine.” Fittingly, the formed by Billy Joel of his favorite hits mare. Surprisingly, this instrumental sheen, like a brand new guitar, covered song with the most anthemic chorus, performed by women and this what you three-piece act is harmonious and well in perfectly placed, highly deliberated, “Dead Celebrities,” is also the most get. More fun actually being there, but synchronized: a little metal, a little unscuffed stickers. Sounds untrue. And tongue-in-cheek. It may also be the only piece of music to reference I can picture myself pulling this out soul, and a little rock—with zero artsy what I wanted was more Darkbuster Winston Churchill, John Holmes, and when I’m vacuuming the house. I have pretentiousness (that’s the best part). playing Darkbuster. And getting hit in Moe from The Three Stooges. Sinatra’s no shame. –Donofthedead (Side One Constant attention is given to all emo- the head by a pitcher again. It pains me vocal meltdowns and ironic lyrics are Dummy) tions as they whisk up and down a river to say this, but I’m wholeheartedly dis- equally strong, and the music is infec- of pensive and perpetual moodiness. I appointed, even after listening to it ten tious throughout. As this album shows, DAN MELCHIOR: Hello, I’m almost tossed this one, but my affecta- times over. Fuckin’ bummer. –Todd the Dead Celebrities played smart- Dan Melchior, aka Singer- tion for excellent instrumental groups (www.darkbuster.net) assed punk at its finest. –Chris Pepus Songranter: CD such as Pell Mell forbade me from (Fat Fish) DEADBOLT: Haight Street Maiden flag on their sleeves, refusing stand-up player actually knows more DIALS, THE: Hippie Massacre: CD to give a rat’s fat ass what you or any- than one bass line), metallic guitar, and Sick Times: CDEP Proudly “Made in USA,” this 2003 ret- one else thinks of them. Way talented heady, emotive vocals, albeit a bit Falling somewhere between 1960s mod rospective thoughtfully covers all eras and way heavy, DBS have proven strained at times. But it works. Deep, (is that a Farfisa?) and 1990s riot grrrl, of Deadbolt’s arguably productive record after record that they can and throaty, rumbling, tight, and mesmeriz- the songs are jagged, angular, busted career. Includes staples like “Who the will play circles around most of those ing from numerals I to X. Catchy and beer bottles of music. They’re loose, Hell is Mrs. Valdez?” “Tiki Man,” “Hit craptacular bands screen printed on rockin’ on “Left for Dead,” driving and simple, and raw, sounding like people Gone Wrong” and “Truck Driving back of that OzzFest T-shirt you had to pounding on “Inner Demons” and fan- figuring out how to play instruments SOB.” Tossed in for good measure are spend two months worth of your lunch tastically “Love You to Death”-esque several previously unreleased tracks: “I while writing songs in a garage, unfet- money on. Punk rock spirit with a full (Meteors) on “Thirty-ninth and tered by ideas of how something should Saw the King,” “Go Tell Alice,” dose of metal up your ass. And that’s Norton,” presumably the homicide “Edie,” and “Listen to the Message.” be done and, instead, creating what good metal, not that hair band pose ‘n song. (“The sun came up today, as I sounds good. That isn’t to say that this For added value, a cover of Burt wank shitty pap metal. Metal that drove away, I think they just found out Bacharach’s “Rain Drops Keep Falling sounds amateurish, merely that it on My Head” has been tacked on at the bassists Lemmy Kilmister and Tom about me. Blood stains on dirty sheets, reminds me of early punk bands creat- end. Dedicated fans worldwide have Araya have christened us with. Choice rolled up in my back seat.”) Should ing in a vacuum of interest when the had most of this material for quite some cuts here to mow your car through they be graced with fortitude (and bet- possibilities were still open and the time, but newcomers will appreciate Korn and Slipknot’s merch stands are ter production), they’ll be around blast- horizons of what a band could do had- the comprehensive peek down in the “This Curse of Days,” “Middle ing your ears for years. My kind of n’t been narrowed by commercial lab, especially since the liner notes Fingers,” and “Binge/Purge.” The rockin’. –Jessica T (Psychobilly US) prospects. –Puckett (The Dials, include a complete roster of everyone Torrez is fully backing the DBS, so that www.thedials.us) who has ever been in or with the band. alone should get your ass in gear. Viva DESTRUX: Remorsefully, some of my favorite DBS! Viva Torrez! YL in the house! Enter the Thrash Kick: CDEP DIRTBOMBS, THE: songs aren’t included: “The Day I Got –Designated Dale (Epitaph) While this would be considered by My Spine Back,” “Slap,” “Creepy and If You Don’t Already many to be fairly generic thrashy hard- Have a Look: 2 x CD Weird,” and “Twang Zombie.” DEMON CITY WRECKERS: core and even though it sounds like it –Jessica T (Cargo) There are few current bands that can Inner Demons: CD was recorded in someone’s laundry look so sweepingly and non-ironically I rolled my eyes. A psychobilly/punk room, it won me over with its unbridled DEADLY, THE: The Wolves into the past, specifically at the roots of band with a blank-city-noun name. energy and catchiness. I also like how soul and rock’n’roll, and not only do it Are Here Again: CD What will they sing about? Aliens, they manage to attack “the system” and Competently crafted and produced justice, but plant a new flag in its ass. zombies, necromancy, surfing on Mars, support “the system” simultaneously, The Dirtbombs’ deep love of music that metallic screamo hardcore. While and maybe a murder or two after a trip like in this line: “we thrash the system “These Are Cherry Blossoms” breaks moves is obvious. The two CDs are to the asylum? Au contraire, this is and all the things we hate but we like to separated into originals and covers— into a stellar melodic bridge which good. Really good. Not perfect, but do rad things too, like drink Coke, play combines the usual chaos of the genre fifty-two (!) tracks in all. I don’t have a with something resembling a hook, this they will be—and soon. This Tucson Nintendo, and we like to skate.” favorite CD, and that’s another element record strikes me as an average repre- foursome is creepy but not campy, dis- Product placement and punk always go that makes them so special. I appreciate sentation of the style. If you’re a new- turbed but not mental, deeply pained great together. So is this a Good Clean their own take on what a modern band comer to screamo or metallic hardcore, and tightly wound. Their pressure- Fun type of put-on or are these really can do with such a rich history to tap I wouldn’t suggest starting here. cooker steam is slowly relieved—a just half-witted teenagers obsessed from, but, man, I also love the fact that –Puckett (Pluto) controlled explosion, a slow burn, with skating and attacking/supporting they cover such a wide umbrella of cathartic. Vocally reminiscent the giant corporations? I guess it doesn’t music that wouldn’t or couldn’t be cov- DEATH BY STEREO: Murder City Devils, the Demon City matter to me, because I have entered ered by a less adventurous and confi- Death for Life: CD Wreckers blow past the pretentiousness the thrash kick and I like it, whether dent band. Cheater Slicks, Smokey DBS continue to be one of my favorite of the usual RAB/psycho outfits while their heads really are up their asses or Robinson, Flipper, Gun Club, Soft Cell, bands that wear the Pantera and Iron still incorporating the expected ele- not. –Aphid Peewit (Blood Money) The Ohio Players, and the English Beat ments—a steady rhythm section (the are all given the treatment in such a way of paper at him. Then she gives him a tongue-in-cheek, “devil’s advocate” sort clean the pool at the YMCA. And I hear that it’s easy to come to the conclusion, grenade. That sort of vapidity permeates of lyrical attack, they missed the mark they’re straight edge. –Josh “Shit, I never thought of listening to the entire record, and I’m left with a by being way too fucking vague. And if (Out of Order) them like that. Maybe I should re-listen. really, really bad feeling about this they’re sincere, it just goes to show you I must have missed something.” And band. Lyrically, I know it’s often diffi- that even dipshit Republicans go to tat- DOLLYROTS, THE: whenever a band is that strong, you cult to bridge the chasm between obscu- too shops. –Keith Rosson Eat My Heart Out: CD know they’re onto something big. The rity and obviousness, but these dudes (Fractured Transmitter) Eat My Heart Out is bursting at the Dirtbombs make so many other bands just go all the way for obscurity. I hon- seams with an assault of yeah-yeahs, sound puny. –Todd (In the Red) estly don’t know what they’re shooting DISORDER: crunching guitars, heavy handclaps, and for here. I mean, in the song “District 2 The Riot City Years: CD soaring, sugary harmonies. Able to melt DIRTBOMBS: Merit b/w Electric Boogaloo” the guy sings, An assortment of early tracks from the tired punk rock hearts in a single bound! Mystified (Version): 7” “Baby cars but beat your babies, don’t series of EPs the band put out on Riot L.A.’s version of Sahara Hotnights got Mick Collins’ got stank. On “Merit,” get priorities straight/ Bingo stars, they City back in the ‘80s, which translates me to love them forever and it only took he’s got the panty-wetting growl, the cut in line, celebrities to the extreme/ into twenty tracks of primitive, blissful- an instant. –Kat Jetson (Panic Button) smoke and assurance voice of a man Are you Ghetto or Gummo?” and, “The ly sloppy UK punk that essentially who knows where he stands: tall, in church is packed; the windows are still mines the same territory as early DOWNBEAT 5, THE: charge, and proud. And when you play cracked/ Time to forgive, use that Discharge and, especially, the equally Victory Motel: CD anything flirting with soul and rock, like change you found last night/ It’s time to crucial Chaos UK—no frills, no metal, ...boy, i dunno. As much as i liked what the Dirtbombs do, they gotta make eat, hungry mouths will complain/ So just pure, balls to the wall, noisy as hell i heard off the first album, and as much you—the listener—to want to get hip- meet and greet, you’re all scum, you hardcore. –Jimmy Alvarado as i am inclined to believe that J.J. wigglin’ stinky. They gotta bring the should get along.” What the fuck is that? (Step-1 Music) Rassler generally does good work, all i gospel, to spread both the word and Vapid shit like that is all over the place hear here (note clever Hollies reference) legs. On this song, they’re Booker T and on this record—are these guys really DISSIMILARS, THE: is—quote me on this—A BUNCH OF the MG’s precise (their meticulousness saying that inner-city churchgoers are Jimmy’s Room: 7” ROCK (the band is welcome to take this just further sharpens their blade) and “scum?” That in the ghetto, everyone I reviewed this band’s demo a while as a compliment, though it was not I’ve if there’s any justice in this world, has nice cars but beat the shit out of back and I said that I couldn’t wait for intended as such). I mean, if the Otis Redding’s smiling down in their their kids? I mean, I’m not the quickest them to put out some vinyl. Now I don’t Paybacks are AC/DC—and who’s to say direction from above. The b-side is a whip in town, but I’m not dumb either, have to wait anymore. And, while it’s they’re not?—then the Downbeat 5 are dub reggae song. Starts off sounding and I really can’t tell what they’re get- inexplicably lacking in Venom and Flag now April Wine. Great. We’ll call you like tugboats in the mist and then there’s ting at. I assume the song “Bruise” is of Democracy riffs, it’s still great, fuzzy, when we need another favor, or a theme a lot of reverb. I’ll be playing the a-side about the aftermath of September 11, bopping garage rock that sounds pretty for homecoming or something. This sit- a ton. –Todd (Kapow) but I can’t tell if they’re honestly claim- much like all those great bands that uation is hardly helped by the inclusion ing they want to see “two towers climb- came out of the Southwest in the mid- of a way-too-Blondie Shangri-La’s DISENGAGE: Application for ing.” Do they really feel that we should ‘90s like the Drags, the Inhalants, and number, “Out in the Streets,” but, sud- an Afterlife: CD “return the bodies to loving families and the Motards. It may seem like a disser- denly! Without prior notification! At the First off, the facts. 1) Derek Hess cover. start rebuilding immediately?” And I’m vice to compare them to so many other exact moment that one would assume 2) Nice packaging. 3) Musically, picture sure a lot of folks in Afghanistan would bands, but with this kind of stuff, there’s the vinyl equivalent of the CD would Tool and Boy Sets Fire in a swinging- be thrilled and relieved to know that not really anything new. However, I am commence side two (well, okay, there’s dick contest. 4) This CD includes a 9/11 was simply “another crisis (that has pretty burned out on the we-used-to- ten songs. I figure “side two” starts on video in which “action shots” of the been) put out to pasture.” In “Cover the love-the-Infections-but-now-we-love- track 6. If you fault my math, show me band, like, rocking out are interspersed Globe,” are they lamenting or applaud- Sonic-Youth stuff and it’s awesome to yours), the record, shockingly, stops with shots of some dude scribbling over ing the “slaughter” of “faith-based pro- know that bands are still playing this sucking. The band abruptly drops the anatomical drawings while a blonde grams?” There are a hundred other kind of simple, straightforward punk loathsome and undistinguished “A woman, wearing what is commonly sketchy examples throughout this rock with those catchy guitar parts that BUNCH OF ROCK” bit, and resumes referred to as a wifebeater, throws wads record—if they’re shooting for a we can whistle to ourselves while we the high energy, sweet ‘n’ crunchy r’n’r hijinx of their earlier efforts with wrestling was on the TV, and I saw write some great songs with a good and growly and thuddy. They’re defi- “Army of One,” following it up with a Jerry Only and Doyle gleefully squirt- sense of melody. While keeping things nitely not sugaring anything, but, musi- second (?!) Shangri-La’s cover, this ing ketchup and mustard on a fallen on the raw side, the magic of the music cally, they can be pretty standard, time “Dum Dum Ditty,” a song far bad guy. That was it; the Misfits carries the flag in a bold manner. Like repetitive, and a couple ticks too slow more to my liking than the semi-retard- jumped the shark. Dr. Chud, former later period Hüsker Dü and what I for me to really get behind. Wanted to ed “Out in the Streets” (exactly. “Dum drummer of the new Misfits, is the know of the Replacements, this band like this more. –Todd (Reptilian) Dum Ditty” is superior to “Out in the physical incarnation of said shark play a melodic rock that has enough Streets” because “Out in the Streets” is jumping. Completely riding on his elements of punk to keep me satisfied. EERIE VON: semi-retarded, and “Dum Dum Ditty” “fame” of being the drummer for a –Donofthedead (Crackle) Bad Dream #13: CD is ALL THE WAY retarded. You know reformed band that was basically a par- Poor Eerie Von. He was the Misfits’ me too well, Montresor!). These two ody of itself, he put together this atro- DUPLEX: Album: CD roadie, then he got to play bass in resounding avengements of the first cious CD of the most boring, run-of- The members of a grade school and Samhain. When Samhain turned into side’s unmeasurable shititude are fol- the-mill bar rock I’ve ever heard. It high school play got together in one Danzig, Eerie lucked out and made the lowed by “Lonesome Town,” a cool doesn’t sound like the Misfits. It does- room, made up some stuff (rapidly), cut (I guess sticking it out through cover ballad whose origins i cannot n’t sound like anything. Maybe a little pushed the record button and let the Final Descent paid off for him.) But, at place, and another quality original bit like Alice in Chains, but a busted tape roll for about an hour. That’s prob- some point right after Danzig IV came (“Climbin’ the Walls”), but the last bunch-of-forty-year-old-constructon- ably not exactly what happened, but it out, Eerie must’ve done something to song is a repeat dose of the Rock Dross workers-that-jam-with-their-buddies- sure as hell sounds like it. With such piss Glenn off, ‘cause he got kicked out of the first side, and thusly cannot be on-weekends-style Alice in Chains. musical numbers entitled “Salad of Danzig, and ever since he’s been like abided. All i can think of is that this Sorry Doc, crappy songs with lyrics Song,” “Multiplication Treehouse,” a ghost, occasionally drifting by with a band saw the Paybacks, marveled about Frankensteins and stuff are still and “Heatin’ Up the Milk,” it’s easy to solo album like this one. It’s apparent (understandably) at their greatness, just crappy songs. I hereby give this pass this one up—unless, of course, that Eerie wasn’t the secret songwriting and, in their youthful (er...) vigor, album the ultimate dis! It sucks! –Ben you’re shopping for your five-year-old talent in either Samhain or Danzig, attempted a sort of ill-advised emula- Snakepit (Bloodwork) niece. FYI, this recording was “…made ‘cause this CD pretty much relies on tion that they will, in due time, look possible through the assistance of the tricks to get by. Tricks, I imagine, that back upon with proper embarrassment. DRIVEWAY SPEEDING: Canada Music Fund and the Music Eerie learned from Glenn during the Please record another album when you Reasons Are Not Section of the Canada Council for the keyboard-and-drum-machine phase of are feeling better. BEST SONG: “Dum Answers: CDEP Arts.” Canada should seek a refund. Final Descent. Tricks borrowed from Dum Ditty” BEST SONG TITLE: Through the years I have really latched –Kat Jetson (Mint) the bullshit that Glenn is trying to pass “Dum Dum Ditty” FANTASTIC onto certain labels, Crackle being one off as Danzig these days. Pretty much, AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: The of them. Even with genres that I might EASY ACTION: this record sounds like a dude dicking Imperial 400 Motel—depicted on the not like, they have released bands that I Friends of Rock and Roll: 7” around on a four track. And that’s pret- top of the album’s back cover—stands enjoy. I feel like they have a kindred Easy Action’s singer, John Brannon, ty much what it is. –Ben Snakepit (albeit in more dilapidated form), to spirit with my taste in music. A new has an unquestionable pedigree. From (Ghastly) this day, directly across the street from band out of the UK, this band has being in one of the bar-none best hard- my PO Box. Once, me and Michael members from bands that I have core bands of all time, Negative EMERGENCY: 1234: CD Lucas hung out there and watched Dan enjoyed from the past like Servo (who Approach, to the gargling nails, hard- So far as I’m able to reckon, this is a Quayle give a speech to a bunch of are incredible!) and Ohno Express. I driving powerhouse of the Laughing modern Canadian skin band that farmers in Iowa on TV. It was fun. have heard references to Leatherface Hyenas, there’s no doubt that his dues eschews the requisite odes to drinking, –Rev. Nørb (Abbey Lounge) thrown around. I can’t use that one. I have been paid and his time has been blind patriotism, and right-wing war- have no releases from said band and served. For me, Easy Action flirts on mongering in favor of swipes at the DR. CHUD’S X-WARD: have made no effort on my part to lis- that same edge of rock’n’roll as the vapidity of factory life, the army, the Diagnosis for Death: CD ten to them. I have seen them once live. Antiseen. I appreciate what they’re United States government, and the I remember the day I gave up on the But what I do know is that these guys doing, but half the time it’s hard to sus- homogenization of western society. Misfits. I was sitting in a diner, know how to keep things mellow but tain enthusiasm. Easy Action are rough Musically, the band recycles more than their share of riffs, but, on the whole, the EPOXIES, THE: wire mesh while you rock out, this will FOLSOM: tunes work and they sound considerably Stop the Future: CD more than do the trick. Good luck find- If You’re a Viper: CDEP more authentic than the majority of their If anyone makes the snide remark that ing it, though, ’cause it’ll no doubt be First thing as this blasts out of the bald contemporaries. I dig ’em. –Jimmy The Epoxies are an ‘80s rehash band, long gone by the time you read this, but speakers is the thought, “My dick is big- Alvarado (Step-1 Music) then their eyes must be dark brown due I highly recommend you put in some ger than your dick!” The machismo is to the fact that they’re full of shit. Yes, extra effort to seek it out. –Jimmy rampant on this one. Like a fight about EPOXIES, THE: The Epoxies borrow a half-cup of this Alvarado (Zaxxon Virile Action) to break out and the bravado is flying as Stop the Future: CD and dash in a bit of that from some of two males take off their shirts ready for I may not be able to articulate as well as what reared its head in the ‘80s, but it’s FEDERATION X: a full-on brawl. No lyric sheet shows others at this here mag in regards to this what they do with it that makes them so Rally Day: CD that someone is not the most proud. On band. But I was highly anticipating this damn good when it comes to making Gritty rock with enough Sabbath- the bright side, the music is powerful. It release to review and listen. I missed the records. There’s the winding synth inspired sludginess smooshed in to give delves into rap metal at times, but the debut 7” that sold real quick. But the that’s right in there with the pummeling it a stoner sheen. Not bad. –Jimmy metal/hardcore makes up for it. dudes at Razorcake HQ made sure that I rhythm section and rocking guitar, but Alvarado (Estrus) –Donofthedead (Spook City) heard their self-titled full length. I was it’s a pleasing mix that ain’t too blown away like a scrap piece of news- rough/experimental, yet not too over- FIVE OUTSIDERS, THE: FUGUE, THE: paper on a windy day. That release had produced or slick like some of the clove On the Run: CD Mysterious Animals: CD a long stay in the CD changer. A lot of cigarette smoke-filled, new-romantic Soft and reverb-soaked cowpoke instru- Straight up noise rock mongering going bands are playing the second wave of dance hall slime that was spinning in the mental vistas as wide open as the high on here with no attempts whatsoever to new wave, but like any scene, only a past. Roxy’s singing is a bit hard to put planes, drifting along like so many tum- sugarcoat it. Whether it’s good or not is a finger on, but try and think of a young bleweeds. It’s kind of like having the dependent on your personal affection or few stand out. This band stands out. On Ventures play the theme songs from all this sophomore release, the production Chrissie Hynde (Pretenders) with the aversion to this type of stuff, but if vocal meter of a young Leonard Graves your favorite spaghetti westerns while you’re of a mind to crank this kinda shit is much stronger and the songwriting you sit in a warm bath tub, smoking a has shown a continued maturity. They (Dickies). Kudos to the Fat Wreck up, you could do much worse. Now Chords folks for getting this second ratty cigar with your cowboy boots on. excuse me as I render myself deaf. still have an amazing knack of creating Surprisingly refreshing. I bet it would and capturing the melody so that the rekkid out in the hands of soon-to-be- –Jimmy Alvarado (RIYL) fans. While you’re out doing yourself go good with a bottle of Mescal. –Aphid songs are memorable and keep you Peewit (Acme) humming. The guitars are much more the favor of grabbing this, do yourself FUNCTIONAL BLACKOUTS: another and get their debut full length Chemical Bath b/w Raw Dawg, prominent this time around and the FLEAS AND LICE: quirkiness of the synths are not in the on Dirtnap. Both CDs will have you Raw Deal + In My Vacuum: 7” bobbing your head like a crack-ridden Recipes for Catastrophes: CD The a-side starts out with a chant, forefront but more complementary. In It’s a repress of the LP that was origi- turn, the songs have more of a punch chicken in seconds flat (It’s true—it sprints into guitar-laden looptey loops, happened to me the first time I saw them nally released by Skuld in Germany in that you can feel from a distance. More 2001 by a long-running band from crashes at an intersection, unzips its blow the roof off The Echo in L.A. a pants, flops out a horn, goes back to the rock and less novelty. Roxy Epoxy also few years ago). –Designated Dale (Fat) Holland that started in 1993 who contin- sounds more confident in her vocal ues today flying the flag of crust punk chant “Chem-i-cal, Chem-i-cal,” pauses again, and blasts for a third and last delivery. The vocals have more passion FATALS, THE: Yeah Baby: 7” and DIY. Male/female dual vocals are and I feel she gives the songs more emo- up front of the exchanging the message time. It’s part doses of the Clone Dunno what it is about this label, but Defects, the Tyrades, and the Thirteen tional layers. Overall, they overcome everything I’ve ever heard has either of what pisses them off. Musically, mid- the sophomore curse and put a release tempo to fast Discharge meets Nausea Floor Elevators. My tolerance for been over the top, flat-out rockin’, or “experimental rock” is limited, but the that is so much better than their previous some combination thereof. Such is the punk rock that a lot of bands are playing product. If you haven’t taken the time to today. Never really got around to buying Blackouts succeed by the fact that they case with these guys, who take the ‘60s never forget to continue the “rock” part check this band out in the past, now is trash thing, rip it to fucking shreds, and their stuff, but it’s great to finally hear the time. Portland is kicking some major what they sound like after seeing so and keep pushing forward. The b-side is then piss all over the remains. If you’re the more typical Functional Blackouts ass with the latest wave of bands com- into having your ears scrubbed with many of their patches on the kids these ing out! –Donofthedead (Fat) days. –Donofthedead (Rodent Popsicle) demolition derby. Lots of yellin’. Lots of bashin’. The feeling I get is that these Gravy Train!!!!, lay down another disc HATEBEAK/CANINUS: new wave bent. They also add a snotti- folks would roll up a carpet after a show of nasty and naughty party tunes with Split: 7” ness and energy of punk’s early years to if there was enough beer to wring out of their second full-length release, Are You Hatebeak: Grindcore courtesy of two their songs. Dual vocal duties are han- it, and drink in unhesitating, heavy Wigglin’? Previous efforts gave us guys, a drum machine, and a parrot dled with dreamy, yet strong, convic- gulps. Something definitely ain’t right pop/rap sing-alongs about bouncing tit- vocalist. Yes, a parrot. Sounds exactly tion. They lure you in with sweetness with ‘em and that’s what makes ‘em so ties, turning people gay and hamburgers like you’d expect. Caninus: Grindcore and punch you back with a fierce attack. damn good. –Todd (Wrench) that fuck (don’t ask). More of the same with vocals comprised of dogs barking The music has the charm of seeing so with Are You Wigglin’?, but this half- and what sounds like someone slurping many great garage bands that are rarely GIMMIES, THE: boy/half-girl foursome toned it down the last strawful of an unknown drink witnessed by the masses. I hope I have a Phonic Souls: CD just enough to make this release more from the bottom of a very large glass. chance to check them out live someday. Full-tilt, trashy ruckus’n’roll along the fun/less shock. But not so much that you –Jimmy Alvarado (Reptilian) –Donofthedead (Teenacide) same lines as Thee Machine Gun won’t be smirking when you’re shaking Elephant or Teengenerate with a smidge your ass to the sweet sounds of “Pussy HBLOOCK101: HOMBRINUS DUDES/ of Stones mixed in. Nice cover of Radio Sauce.” Providing that you still weren’t Human Flotsam: CD LOADED FOR BEAR: Birdman’s “New Race.” A curt review, I sold, all this goodness is smothered in From what I gather, this is a collection Split: 7” know, but it’s damned hard to type when bitchin’ organs and totally catchy guitar of EPs from an Australian band that has I’m really not a fan of that crazy, wall o’ yer rockin’ the fugg out. –Jimmy riffs. –Kat Jetson (Kill Rock Stars) been around for a while. They serve up death growly (grind? crust? who cares?) Alvarado (Dionysus) some prime-grade punk rock here, with stuff, so I guess this might be a short GUAPO: Black Oni: CD politically oriented lyrics that don’t review. My first tip off is the Hombrinus GLOW, THE: A weird, symphonic installation of five come off as preachy in the least and Dudes’ logo. It’s all barbed and all over The Ghosts Are Out: CD parts (or tracks) that combines the bas- some catchy, straight-ahead punk the place and you can’t really read it. I Fairly solid, yet also fairly pedestrian tardization of free form jazz, noise, and riffage. There are a few covers on here, find that in most of my experience, indie rock, heavy on the organ. While aural textures. It is, in effect, a challenge all of which, with the exception of “The bands with logos like that play tunes not exactly the Replacements in their in patience and tolerance. Over forty Harder They Come,” (don’t fuck with that I don’t like. Yep, I was right. prime, it does have its merits, especially minutes of jamming. –Donofthedead Jimmy Cliff, boyos) are quite nearly as Loaded for Bear were already ahead in when they pick up the pace a bit. – (Ipecac) good as the originals. Most impressive my books since I could read who they Jimmy Alvarado (Bankshot) is that they describe themselves as play- were. They also had funnier song titles GUITAR GANGSTERS: ing “’77-influenced punk rock,” yet, (“The Jack Lord Fan Club” and GOLDBLADE: Let ’Em Have It: CD even though they cover the “Machine Powered Orgasms”). They Rebel Songs: CD As has become expected from these Heartbreakers, they sound nothing like had more song structure and less growl, This is much, much better than the pre- guys, this is poppy UK punk of the first the Thunders-worshipping lemmings but at the end of the day, I’m still not a vious album I heard from these guys, order from a band that fits nicely that glom onto that description like fan. –Ty Stranglehold (no address) with a more “traditional” approach to between Cocksparrer at their most junked-out moths to a flaming kilo of the songs, some of which are plenty anthemic and the Undertones at their black tar. Definitely worth a listen. HORDE, THE: Join or Die: CD catchy. The lyrics, while at times a little poppiest. The cover of the Four –Jimmy Alvarado (Mad Butcher) The recent couple of years of hardcore too cryptic than are good for ’em, Seasons’ “Can’t Take My Eyes off of have raised the waterline. The land- address governmental lies, plastic soci- You” was quite good, but the cover of scape’s been reshaped, expanded, and HITCHHIKERS, THE: redefined, like a river backed up by a ety, and war. Ultimately, though, I just Dennis Brown’s “Money in My Pocket” Self-titled: CD can’t seem to get into ’em as much as I was even better. Few bands mining this dam. Bands like Fucked Up, Career Mitch Cartwright, former bass slinger Suicide, Out Cold, Cut the Shit, DS-13, would like. –Jimmy Alvarado territory seem to get it right. This is one for those sorely-missed nudniks The (Captain Oi) of those few. –Jimmy Alvarado Tragedy, From Ashes Rise, and La Humpers, has been rumbling on with his Faction, I believe, have dealt out hands (Captain Oi) Hitchhikers the last four years with a GORT: The Arrival: CDEP that equal the best from the early ‘80s. hell of an impressive band that he’s now The Horde are good, not great. Take From one-fourth of El Monte’s mid-‘90s GUN SHYS, THE: playing bass and singing for. Steve noise mongers Cascius Clay—specifi- early Sick of It All, a less frenetic Force, Self-titled: CDEP “Spills” Swailes, who you might’ve and, especially, Death By Stereo’s first cally their guitarist Frank—comes Sounds like—and kinda looks like— seen in the Neurotones, as well as vari- record, and they’re in that camp. another blast of aural agony sure to cur- that Code Blue album, minus the one ous line-ups of The Gears and The Borderline metallic, tough guy/positive dle your milk and cause your lawn to good song. Either that, or any of the Controllers, is also along for the ride on force hardcore that’s not shameful, not die. As with his previous musical really bad songs on that misleadingly lead guitar. Musically, it’d be easy to without merit, but not entirely memo- endeavors with the Naggs, Spread Ego, awesome-looking Reds 10” on A&M compare the ‘Hikers to The Humpers, rable or distinct in its own right. –Todd and the aforementioned Cascius Clay, from 1979. My Fuckhead-O-Meter has ‘cause the influence is there, but this (1-2-3-4 Go!) sludgy rhythms and liberal doses of been emitting a steady and vociferous particular group of nudniks are doing noise-for-noise’s-sake are slathered on a blare since initial contact with this item. just fine. Key jingle-jangles here are HUMAN EYE, THE: heaping pile of post- Heed it. Heed it! BEST SONG: “The New Son,” “Strychnine,” “Life of Self-titled: CD Melvins/Eyehategod heaviness, with “Whisper/Touch,” if we’re still talking Crime,” and the song that will get your I don’t even fucking know what this is. maybe a nod in the direction of early about that Code Blue album BEST drunken, chain-smoking grandma up At least one Clone Defect is in this Sonic Youth for good measure. While I SONG TITLE: “Madly in Action” FAN- and shaking her ass, “Neckbone band, and it sort of sounds like there’s a admit to being an admirer of his previ- TASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: Stomp.” Catch ‘em out at their next gig, backbone made up of that really art- ous endeavors, I also freely admit that I This is the kind of band that friends if given the chance (and keep your damaged garage stuff that’s been mak- think this collaborative effort with every single person they possibly can on booze away from Spills). ing the rounds (Clone Defects, Lost drummer Brad Baker is his best, most MySpace. –Rev. Nørb (Aeronaut) –Designated Dale Sounds, Functional Blackouts), but it’s consistent effort to date. That’s a mighty (Hitchhikers, www.thehitchhikers.com) so completely off the deep end that I nice Circle One shirt yer wearing in the GUNPOWDER: don’t even know what to say. And I pic, too, Frank. Tell Mike I’m jealous. Circle A Ranch: CD grew up with stuff like the Butthole HOGNOSE: El Sombrero: CD Surfers and the Cows, so for me to be –Jimmy Alvarado This self-released album is not, as their This started out promising. The first ([email protected]) website claims, “a musical juggernaut of this stunned by noise is really saying song was kind of a combination of the something. At times, like “Age,” they apocalyptic proportions bringing musical straight for the throat rock of Nashville GRAVES BROTHERS ecstasy, chaos, and joy...” I only feel crip- do some cool shit, but for the most part, Pussy mixed with the pop hook and this doesn’t have enough hooks to DELUXE, THE: Light: CD pling nausea as I recoil in horror. It is nei- vocal style of O from Fluf. Interesting A cornucopia of sounds emanating from ther counterpart of “Dick Dale meets Nick appeal to most people and it doesn’t for sure, it too bad that everything dis- have enough parts where somebody this—Waits-inspired weirdness, a little Cave.” They even wrote an unfunny solved into the most boring of stoner yells out, “cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt,” to punk, some (in the words of a Mr. comedic ditty about receiving a parking rock as soon as the second track started. appeal to a Butthole Surfers fan. Retodd) “squeaky balloon” free jazz ticket in Los Angeles. They queerily Too bad indeed. –Ty Stranglehold Probably a great record to put on and noodling. Interesting listen. –Jimmy whine, “Well, I’m from Oakland and they (Arclight) clear out a crowded room, though. –Josh Alvarado (Good Forks) wouldn’t do that there.” Ppfffttt. Girl talk. (In the Red) Don’t take your guns to town, boys, don’t HOLOGRAMS, THE: Night of GRAVES BROTHERS take your guns to town. In fact, lay them 1000 Ex-Boyfriends: CD HUMAN TANGA: DELUXE, THE: Light: CD down forever and rejoin your hippie I loved thrash, death metal, grindcore A Ritual Sacrifice For some weird reason this reminds me friends—keep erroneously thinking, “It’s and the like but I do have a soft spot for for the Big Nothing: CD of listening to Screamin’ Jay Hawkins if Americans with guns who shoot people all-girl bands! So the mighty Retodd put What the hell is this? The CD cover is a he played in a rock project. But some- dead.” –Jessica T this puppy in my inbox at Razorcake horrid cut and paste job that looks like times it gets weirder maybe due to a (Gunpowder, www.gunpowderband.com) HQ. After so many years, he knows his an Urban Outfitters ad. The music is member participating in the Residents. contributors well. I’m guessing that this mid-tempo, heavy rock with lousy drum A little too weird for my weird meter. HAIL SOCIAL: Self-titled: CD a L.A. based band featuring two production and these irritating low- –Donofthedead (Good Forks) Some nice indie pop with splashes of Japanese and two Caucasian (one who pitched, goofy vocals that seriously new wave and post-punk to keep things looks like a young Britney Spears on sound like the dude from Gwar. I don’t GRAVY TRAIN!!!!: interesting. Wouldn’t be surprised a bit bass) players. They crank out some understand why anyone in the world Are You Wigglin’?: CD if they became darlings in the under- great bubblegum pop melodies with a would like this. Even the band sounds Oakland’s raunch and roll here-ho’s, ground. –Jimmy Alvarado (Polyvinyl) bored. –Ben Snakepit (Nicotine) 86 INDIAN JEWELRY: In Love throwaway, but with further inspection, in thirds with a little button for the CD parodying of the whole “hardline” with Loving: 7” this became a keeper. –Donofthedead to sit on, and with a tiny twenty-page straight edge thing when I put this on, Using the second Echoboy album on (Tragic End) lyric book inserted. However, due to and I soon find myself singing “I’ve Mute as my main frame of reference the fact that the actual music on the CD got a positive dental outlook” and “if (and who wouldn’t?), the title track JAPANTHER: is weak screamy me-core, I do believe you don’t shave clean, you’re not in the sounds like one of the few real bombs Wolfenswan: CD I will cause the CD to not be at my scene” at the top of my lungs, which is, off that album, and “Climbing up the Though Japanther’s anarchic crush of house and instead install another one of course, not what’s coming out of the Walls,” while better, would probably samples, lo-fi synth buzz, beats, cheap on its top-flight little button. I just hope speakers. Judge was one of those late only qualify as filler material on that beats, and poppy melodies doesn’t real- I don’t forget what I did and start rec- ‘80s straight edge bands that just record—but “Lost My Sight,” which ly physically resemble Pavement, it ommending Jiyuna to my friends in a seemed to be flogging a plenty dead occupies the entire b-side of this slow- does remind me of that band’s similar couple years, or—heavens!—acciden- horse by the time they came along, and ly turning platter, sounds like one of the methodology fifteen years back or tally go see them myself. Ah fuck, a nearly two decades later, they sound better songs thereon—trancey, echoey, whatever it was. Throwing shit togeth- couple more years at this pace and I just about as stale, with all their big, fuzzy, repetitive, f’d up, and cool. I er because it was fun and because it won’t even like music anymore. –Cuss gruff talk about their crew and looking imagine i’d be courting a lynching to was what just came out always made a Baxter (ifb) down on people for doing drugs, and suggest purchasing a record of this tremendous amount of sense to me, and yet apparently seeing no irony in nature; having not been lynched in a even in the apparent disorder a certain JOHN FRANCIS & embedding more than a little metal while, i suppose i’ll consider it. BEST homogeneity gels when the work is IMPOSTERS, THE: riffage into their sound and even cover- SONG: “Lost My Sight” BEST SONG taken as a whole. And so, even if this is The Earnest Manboy Suite in ing Led Zeppelin. It’s not that I TITLE “Climbing up the Walls” FAN- something I never would have sought E Major: CDEP had/have anything against straight edge TASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: out, its lack of pretension generates a I cannot recommend this “opus”: pre- as a philosophy, but its more puritanical “These tracks were recorded as quickly puddle of comfort into which I’m tentious typewriter solos bookend and adherents, with their virulent self-right- as possible.” –Rev. Nørb (On/On Switch) happy to settle. –Cuss Baxter infiltrate one-dimensional two-man eousness and fashion sense inspired by (Plan-It-X) three-practice guitar rock which I sup- Catholic school jocks, hold a special INTERFUSE: Closed Doors pose gains “opus” status by virtue of: place in my heart, right next to dung- Open Tracks: CD JFK JR. ROYAL AIR- 1) being a fifteen-minute song with: 2) beetles, the Bush family, moco sculp- Based on the first track, I was going to FORCE: Androids: CD a recurrent theme (i.e. one riff). I wish tures and born-again Christians. write this one off as another emo Sludgy, sometimes almost jazzy art I knew enough music theory to dispute Subsequently, any band that aligns release that sounds like At the Drive-In. damage, sorta like Flipper without all its E Major status, but I’ll leave that to themselves with any group of That was until I heard track two, enti- the lyrics or Savage Republic at their the Commissioner. And, oh yeah, don’t Neanderthals who think that beating tled “Jeff Truth” with its pounding bass noisiest and least Middle Eastern. If get mad at anyone named John Francis; someone up will keep them from get- riffs accented by the right mix of feed- you’re in just the right mood, this more this guy’s name is Jack Francis. –Cuss ting high is not gonna rate very high back and distortion and drums that feel than delivers the goods. Factoid that’ll Baxter (John Francis, etc) around these parts, as some of us are of almost tribal mixed with the right tones probably never come up in a Trivial the belief that such attitudes and to give it a driving effect. That song has Pursuit game: this band features Billy JOHN PODDY: actions run contrary to the whole punk a unique quality to it that it was kind of Syndrome, who was in the Pricks with Punk Rock Star: CD ethic. Anyway, if you’re into this late hard to pin down. At the moment, it a pre-Def Jam Rick Rubin. –Jimmy An apparent one-man band singing period “youth crew” tripe you’ll be sounds like a mixture of Crass meets Alvarado (Slutfish, no address) songs like “You Made Me Gay” and happy to know you can now play their the Super Heroines or Elastica. But “Your Mom’s a Fag.” Punka dunka, entire recorded output while you’re other tracks veer more towards rock, JIYUNA: The Devil Is dude. –Jimmy Alvarado (Long Bored) getting ready for the evening’s brain- and punk—and one track I swear Waiting for Us in the Palace— washing session at the local Krishna sounded like it could have been an X Rush Courageously: CD JUDGE: What It Meant, the temple without having to stop once to track with its hints of cow punk. The Boy, the packaging on this is beautiful: Complete Discography: CD change the record. –Jimmy Alvarado opening track almost made this a screenprinted on chipboard and hand- Funny, but after all these, years I still (Revelation) cut in the shape of a cityscape, folded can’t help but think of Crucial Youth’s KEVIN K AND THE REAL that for you. This CD is frying my brain! lation. The flip side has tinges of Beat YEAH!]—i mean, it’s cute and cool and KOOL KATS: Perfect Sin: CD The Krunchies have the energy of a caf- Happening minimalism on the first all, but give it a f’n break here and there, This dude wants to be Johnny Thunders feinated and sugared up five-month-old song, finishing off with “Summertime willya?!); 2) Cripes, write a bridge once so fucking bad, I can smell the hairspray puppy that just took a hit of cocaine. in the Desert,” which I’m thinking in a while; and 3) i guess i have no other There are twelve songs on this CD in inspired one Todd Taylor to send this to complaints, other than the overall feel- from here. This album sounds like out- ing that i went somewhere for a burger takes from Thunders’ Que Sera, Sera just over nineteen minutes of sheer me for review (that and the fact that one rock! Tinny guitar riffs and sloppy bass of the guys in the band is, in a remark- and came home with a kids’ meal. LP, which wasn’t really that good of a Chicken fingers are good food, though! record to begin with. Between the four- lines layered nicely over flowing hard able coincidence, called Reno!). and fast paced, almost hardcore, beats. “Summertime…” is that tune you BEST SONG: “Something to Do,” i page booklet, the back cover and the CD guess, since i took all that time slander- itself, there are thirteen photos of the Male/female fronted vocals that sing wanna hear once the sun has set, the ing it BEST SONG TITLE: “She’s Been band. I don’t want to bag too hard on and scream over the top of the musical stars are out, and your best girl is snug- Around” (band is not much for the this, as they seem to be, you know, fair- insanity. In fact, Amanda’s high-pitched gled up beside you. You never want the dying craft of song titlery it appears) ly sincere in that Jeff-Dahl-rock-meets- screaming could break some glass. Not moment, or song, to end. This is a per- FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA punk kind of way, and apparently this only do they musically amaze me, but fect piece of underground pop. Highly FACT: I can’t look at the disc graphic guy’s been around forever, but there’s they have song titles like “Reaffirming recommended. –Josh Benke, Cultural without thinking of the cover of the first only so many times you can rhyme “all my Hatred of Humanity through Failed Ambassador (Whoa Oh) Every Mother’s Son album. –Rev. Nørb right” and “tonight” before I put anoth- Relationships” and “Kill Your (Rip Off) er record on. –Keith Rosson (Kevin K) Face/Murder My Will.” It’s hard to LANGHORNE SLIM: When make comparisons and make it sound the Sun’s Gone Down: CD LOCUST, THE: Safety Second, KILL THE MAN accurate, because even though the genre Folk music has not been this good in a Body Last: CDEP WHO QUESTIONS: sounds similar, I can’t place a band that long time; Langhorne Slim’s debut full- Having read the previous line, you Industry Document: CD has a similar sloppy fast garage/no wave length is filled with finger-pickin’ blue- already know if you are inclined to buy Kill the Man Who Questions was a sound that can pull off the amount of grass goodness with a dash of rock- this or not or have any interest in it. If energy these guys have. This just may ’n’roll added to the fairytale. His voice you appreciate spazzy, grindy noise political hardcore band from the mid- to with lots of screaming, I recommend late ‘90s and this is a collection of their be one of my new favorites. Now they resembles Tiny Tim’s mixed with the just have to tour out west so I can see raspy blues vocals of the past, while the this, although this EP—while still The singles and compilation tracks. They’re Locust—seems to be missing something a band whose name I used to see around them. –Newtim (Criminal IQ) guitar and banjo playing flows beauti- fully throughout the record. He sings (“Hey wait, dude—it’s the fucking but never got around to picking up any Locust. They make Napalm Death of their stuff besides the Sugar Industry KUNG FU MONKEYS, THE: about love past and present, misunder- sound like Codeine on ‘ludes, man… LP, and listening to this CD, I feel like a Coast to Coast with the Kung standings, awkwardness, and other how can you even tell the fucking differ- dumbass for not doing so. As with most Fu Monkeys: 7” emotional attributes that any one person ence?” “Well, that’s a fair question. I DIY (as in, “not on Victory Records”) Music created by human Happy Meal can be empathic toward. You wouldn’t think most music critics would be hard- hardcore from that era, and pretty much prizes! Querents who wish to know think a twenty-two-year-old man such pressed to identify how, in a case like from the whole decade, it’s raw, dirty, what it is that separates Elfin Masters of as himself could do it all so well, but he this, they distinguish between a quality and doesn’t make the slightest effort to Treacle-Core such as the KFM from can and does. There have been a ton of record and one which doesn’t match up. be listener-friendly or commercially mere wishful thinkers should look no retro-minded artists coming along these Frankly—and I realize that this is nor- viable. It takes its share of cues from further than “Chapel Hill, Surf City”— last few years, but I have not heard any mal for The Locust—there’s just too bands like Born Against, Crass, and J. Cahill could have easily just let the of them (with the exception of The much keyboard on this disc which Logical Nonsense, and the result is lyrics contain the comparatively vanilla Starvations) do justice to the past up sounds like someone who just shit their intense and explosive, fitting in well line “The California coastline is really until I heard this album. Listen to “In the pants squeezing their thighs and ass next to contemporaries (in aesthetic, not the most,” but, instead, he spent the Midnight” or “Hope and Fulfillment” cheeks together to smear the feces extra three seconds to think about it a and you will understand why. Grab your around. Other records in the genre don’t necessarily sound) like His Hero Is have as much of that blip-and-twitter, Gone and Los Crudos. It’s a rad way to little bit and presented it in the subtly- best gal and get ready to shoot your eyes but-powerfully altered form of “The out; this is grade A material. –Mor wow-and-flutter synth-grind twaddle. pick up any of their stuff if you missed Clear enough?”). –Puckett (Ipecac) out like I did the first time around. –Josh California coastline is really the most- (Narnack) (Cheap Art) line”—transmuting mere Vanilla to mighty Chocolate Chip Mint with one LEFT ALONE: Lonely Starts LOCUST, THE: Safety Second, and Broken Hearts: CD Body Last: CDEP KILL-A-WATTS, THE: deftly placed syllable! Please make a There’s that old joke: Which came first, note of it. In a perfect world, James Love songs to girlfriends past and pre- Circuit Breaker Love: CD sent abound, as do odes to former band- Combat Wounded Veteran or the I somewhat enjoy the Kill-A-Watts’ Cahill would be playing Dr. Doom in Locust? CWV’s Duck Down for the the upcoming Fantastic Four movie, mates and long lost cars, all of which are passable Infections impersonations. dished up in steaming turd-piles of pop Torso 12” sounded like the Locust if the BEST BACK COVER PHOTO and the Stormtroopers in Star Wars Locust wanted to get in, get out, and would wear sweater vests. BEST punk and ska. –Jimmy Alvarado WHICH ILLUSTRATES A SONG (Hellcat) quit fucking around. Anyway, you know TITLE: “Zipper Patience” BEST SONG SONG: “Chapel Hill, Surf City” BEST what you’re getting here—spastic, SONG TITLE: “Candy Shoppe TITLE: “Oh Cheeseburger” FANTAS- LETHAL REJECTION: crazed, and intrinsically fucked up. It TIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: The (Twice),” if only for the esoteric 2, 1, 2, 2: CD looks like there are seven songs on here font that “KILL-A-WATTS” is typeset Modern Lovers reference FANTASTIC Decent enough mid-‘80s sounding hard- lyrically, and four or six depending on in on the front cover is called “Lower AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: 1. This core—not too fast, not too slow, nary how you decipher the back cover track West Side.” It should not be confused record contains the Swimmingly any metal to harsh the buzz. Sometimes listing, but the CD itself only lists two with Lower East Side, which just looks Records Slip of Quality: “If it weren’t reminds me of mid-period Poison Idea tracks. So maybe the Locust is, like, quality, we wouldn’t put it out, and we without the intensity. –Jimmy Alvarado working in movements now. Which is like a bunch of wood. –Rev. Nørb (Rip possible: this sounds like an orchestra Off) wouldn’t put this little slip of paper in it (Day 51) either. That’s a promise.” 2. The Kung for a madhouse. Think Ruins or other Fu Monkeys once bought me lunch. LIDS, THE: Self-titled: CD John Zorn projects, or maybe a little KINETO: Transform: CD Melt Banana, couple it with nearly non- No matter how you dress it, package it, You’re goddamn right there was a milk- This band serves a valuable enough shake involved! –Rev. Nørb function as sort of a sugar-frosted Loli sensical, occasionally biting lyrics and slice it, or dice it, metal bites the weenie. you’ve got Safety Second, Body Last. –Jimmy Alvarado (Kineto) (Swimmingly) & The Chones placebo, but 1) i think they ought to pick and choose the times It’s only ten minutes long but by the end of it I want to pull my own fingers off. KUNG FU MONKEYS, THE: that they employ the schtick of the male KOFFIN KATS: Inhumane: CD lead vocals trading off with the chirpy So there’s that, at least. –Keith Rosson The double-K spelling has always both- Electric Tangerine Smile, (Ipecac) Shindig Volume 3 in 3-D: 7” female backup vocals a little more judi- ered me, and the postured, blood-soaked ciously (e.g., here’s the first verse/cho- overindulgence on the cover kept this at Having been born in the early 1970s, it’s LOS REACTORS: Dead in the tough for me to hearken back to the rus dealie from “Something to Do,” arm’s length. Straight from my now- with the backup vocals in brackets: Just Suburbs: CD hometown, these Detroiters bang out beach blanket bingo days of the 1950s, can’t wait [CAN’T WAIT!] Been waitin’ This long-defunct (as in 1983 kinda fifteen tracks of fast, loud, and fucked or the psychedelic garage pop experi- around all day [ALL DAY!] You say it’s defunct) Tulsa band kinda reminds me psychobilly. Detroit’s caliginosity ence of the 1960s. I don’t know when all OK [OK!] In love with you [OH of the Diodes, and i’m having trouble ensorcells their collective maddened the Kung Fu Monkeys were born, but YEAH, OH YEAH, OH YEAH!]. Way figuring out if that’s because of legit mind, spewing forth fertile, bona fide they’ve created a 7” that takes you back too late [TOO LATE!] Been waitin’ musical similarities or because the rock with deference to the Damned and directly to these bygone eras, and more. around too late [TOO LATE!] Been Diodes had that song “Death in the early Misfits. Passes muster with the old “American Beach Party USA (We’re waitin’ around all day [ALL DAY!] I Suburbs” or what. Probably a little bit o’ school crowd—one of the better things Having Christmas for Breakfast)” is want something to do [OH YEAH, OH both. Anyway, it always makes me a lit- I’ve heard in this vein for quite some sugary, not saccharine, bubblegum pop YEAH, OH YEAH]. I want... something tle happy, in here (thumps ribcage) time. –Jessica T (PsychobillyUS) with a Beatnik Termites vibe that makes to do [OH YEAH, OH YEAH, OH (coughs up blood), to see bands from you wanna bleach your hair, grab a surf YEAH!]. I want... something to do [OH Way Back When get something resem- KRUNCHIES, THE: In De board, and show off for the babes sun- YEAH, OH YEAH, OH YEAH!]. I bling an album out, even if it is twenty- Winkel: CD ning themselves in bikinis. “I Dig the want... something to do [OH YEAH, OH plus years late. I mean, fuck, they Way That You Move” would fit nicely YEAH, OH YEAH!]. I want... something Did I just stick my finger in an outlet or to do [OH YEAH, OH YEAH, OH deserve it, and i don’t think a lot of peo- do these fucking guys rip?!? I’ll answer on a Zombies record or Nuggets compi- ple these days realize what an impossi- 88 ble dream it seemed like Way Back knownst to me, i apologize to the plan- Have you ever wondered what it would songs are all right as far as psychobilly When to get an album out. ALL HAIL et) BEST SONG: “You Move Me” sound like if the Marked Men wrote goes, but they seem to be variants on YOUR UNDERDOCUMENTED BEST SONG TITLE: “Dying Persian and played songs like Propagandhi? If the same theme and lacking in oomph. EFFORTS, O BAND! That said, i could Monarch” FANTASTIC AMAZING so, then this is the disc for you. This is Found myself drawn more to the three pretty much take or leave Los Reactors TRIVIA FACT: The video doesn’t play very politically charged music with an instrumentals than the tracks with musically—they sound like the basic in my computer OR my DVD player... almost lo-fi production value and guitar vocals. –Jimmy Alvarado (Headhunter) Central Time Zone punk/rock/wave of but, since it’s Track 01 on the disc, if sound. The vocalist sounded so much the late ‘70s/early ‘80s (i’m really not you put it in a CD player and wait a like a Marked Man that I had to double MEXICAN so sure the perpetually whistling key- while, it will play THEE LOUDEST check… Yep, these guys are BLACKBIRDS/PINK boards aren’t just in the way most of PROLONGED BLAST OF STATIC Canadians. I enjoyed this quite a bit. SWORDS: Black Vinyl the time, and the topical subject matter you have ever heard in your life. I gay- –Ty Stranglehold (Mad Cowboys) Revenge, Chapter 1: Split LP [John Wayne Gacy, Patty Hearst, the ron-tee! –Rev. Nørb (Rip Off) The title line here sounds like some Shah of Iran] that i’m sure seemed MARVEL: sketchy urban legend from a fictional timeless and edgy and brilliant and LOW POINT DRAINS: Five Smell City: CD city across the border made into a ‘50s irreverent at the time now comes off as Self-titled: 7” Not a bad approximation of that ‘70s so-bad-you-love-it exploitation flick. some sort of mere cultural identifier, Lo-fi trash rock courtesy of a two-man sound via the KISS school of glam. This record is also that cool. It com- like something from That ‘70s Show or band. I know that in a post-White Liked it more than I expected to or bines previous CD releases: The Birds’ something), and, with all due respect Stripes world such things are a dime a probably should. –Jimmy Alvarado Just to Spite You (2003, Dirtnap) with for their efforts (efforts which we still dozen anymore, but these guys actually (Black Juju) The Swords’ One Night High (2003, reap the benefits of today, i might add), manage to pull off some pretty good Mortville). The music fetish factor gets MARY TIMONY: Ex Hex: CD when hardcore came along, although it tunes. Nice stick figure portrait on the I loved Mary Timony when she fronted even higher: both have amazing girl didn’t exactly kick this type of band to cover, too. –Jimmy Alvarado (Kuriosa) the storybook fantasyland that was drummers from other great bands (Jill the curb, per se, it did show it to its Helium. In the indie-lovin’ ‘90s, she from Valentine Killers, Suzy Motard), seat... which it took, pretty much never LUNGFISH: Feral Hymns: CD was the cool and mysterious dark horse half-black and half-pink vinyl, and one to be heard from again. It’s unfortunate Every so often, when the mood strikes, that sang fantastically odd songs about new live track from each band. Catchy, that the origins of the various record- I’ll put on an older Lungfish record. superballs, vampires, and medieval hard-driving rock. Entire albums on ings are so poorly documented here, i Daniel Higgs writes amazingly poetic people. But, just when things were get- each side, except the Birds’ “Burn It woulda liked to have known when they lyrics, which, in many cases, is a bad ting good, Helium disbanded. Timony Down/Over the Edge” track from the wrote and recorded the neo-thrasher “I thing, but Higgs is a really great lyri- soon ventured into the obligatory solo CD is not here. Alas, still an awesome Don’t Wanna Be Like You,” just so’s i cist. And I love the fact that not only is career and I stayed behind, content with record. –Speedway Randy (Rockin’ could tell if it was like them reading the this band completely lacking in com- my perfect little Helium catalogue. But Bones) “hardcore rules!” handwriting on the mercial appeal, but they’ve been with the release of Ex Hex, Timony’s wall or what... I’d also like to have had around for something like fifteen years back in fine form. Angular guitars surf MEXICAN BLACKBIRDS: the liner notes written by a member of and they’re ridiculously obscure. But around in that space between your ears Fear of Texas: 12” EP N.O.T.A. or something, just to put musically, this doesn’t really do any- and dreamy vocals whisper you the Smear on some Motards grease and things into historical perspective for thing for me. Unlike their Dischord sweetest rock lullabye. Oh yeah, and resin, huff some gas with early Zeke, me... it certainly couldn’t be any worse peers such as Fugazi or Jawbox, who, there’s a song about pirates! –Kat add the smell of burning hair, squeeze than the existing blather (i mean, the arty or not, made music that was Jetson (Lookout!) and screw in the punk’n’roll pyrotech- liner note guy calls Los Reactors one of dynamic and interesting, Feral Hymns nic sensibility of The B-Movie Rats, finds a slow, drowsy groove and stays Tulsa’s “most prolific” bands in the METEORS: and you’ve got a close approximation same paragraph he states that the band there, and ultimately there’s nothing of the Mexican Blackbirds. It’s in the feral about it. –Josh (Dischord) These Evil Things: CD only released two 45s during the four I dunno if I’ve outgrown ’em, if red, the vocalist sounds just short of years of their existence). Chee! (of being strangulated, and it feels like MAD COWBOYS: A Fistful of they’ve lost their sheen, or if I’m just course, if the guy who wrote the liner Dirty Dollars: CD not in the mood, but these guys just their instruments are stabbing you in notes actually was in N.O.T.A. unbe- ain’t movin’ me like they used to. The the chest while slicing your tendons so there’s no easy retreat. They’ve defi- lawn or anything, but good listening laughter at every turn. Why try and MUTINY: Rum Rebellion: CD nitely learned assault tactics of their nonetheless. –Jimmy Alvarado describe it when I can let the song titles The Irish sounds of the Pogues or own and aren’t just pickpocketing the (Birdman) speak for themselves. “Crackhead Flogging Molly has now gone interna- bands previous mentioned. Good stuff. Momma,” “Are You Really a Guy?”, tional. Out of Australia comes the It’s growing on me with each listen. MOIST HOST: Self-titled: CD and “Morning Boner” are obviously pirate sounds of Mutiny. A combination –Todd (Mortville) Well, I guess these guys could be love songs while “Officer BJ,” “Bitch of three women and two men, this band pigeonholed as “hardcore,” but the Slap Me Face,” and “Meat Truck bangs out a mighty good time with MICO DE NOCHE: tunes are wildly disjointed and the Carnival” are just songs about life in lyrics are, to put it politely, fucking their brand of Celtic punk. Vocal duties Balls Deep: CD East Vancouver. Oh, and bonus points are handled by two of the women and Nice’n’sludgy rock/punk stuff here: weird, man. How weird? To wit: for taking Joey Shithead up on his dare “AIDS killing apes campus style rape the gent on drums, which is good to very noisy with flamenco flourishes to write a song about him (“DOA”). keep things fresh in a sound that can here and there. Wasn’t expecting much, eating Gilbert Grape a celibate retard The best in feel good, scuz-rock man celebrates the century attracting get overdone quickly. They expel a so it was a pleasant surprise that it was- acoustichaos! –Ty Stranglehold spirit of fun that makes me want to go n’t half bad. –Jimmy Alvarado wildabeast [sic] licking zebra butt crea- (Crusty) tures on the run hipsters having fun to the refrigerator right now and crack (Violent Hippie) open a cold one. Relying more on breaking through a patch raping bestial MUMMIES OF THE ass save the best for last Obi-Wan acoustic instruments gives the band a MILLION DOLLAR INSANE: Self-titled: CD traditional feel and adds to the rawness Kenobi leader of Nairobi has large gen- I’ll bet you these guys smoke a SHIT- MARXISTS: Stop: 7” itals open up you stupid bich [sic].” Try of the recording. I wonder how hard it The cover, for whatever reason, led me LOAD of marijuana. I wish I was into is to learn how to play a tin whistle. singing THAT at your next church smokin’ weed—it mighta made listen- to believe that I’d be stumbling into social. –Jimmy Alvarado –Donofthedead (Fistolo) some lame ass sludge rock; an old (Butter Flavored) ing to this a little less tedious, though it grunge cassingle being eaten by a tape is good for a few laughs. “Civilized NARRATOR, THE: deck, some Atomic 61 test-pressing 45 Existence” boasts the line “Sit upright, Such Triumph: CD being played at 33, you get the idea. MOJOMATICS: A Sweet Mama Gonna Hoodoo Me: CD you damn dirty ape!” and “Parasite” Seeing as 1) those responsible appear Slow. Drrroooooning. Bass-heavy. Let Good, catchy ‘60s-type tight mod rock sounds like the music to a video game to be male; 2) there are drawings of kit- me just say, I was surprised when I put from this merry duo of Italians dressed on the technologically cutting-edge ties, doggies, and flowers on the cover, it on and smoke started shooting out of Atari 2600. “Fuck Your Mummy,” my speakers. What we’ve got here is in properly creased monochromatic I think it’s patently clear what kind of suits with flashy ties and Quadrophenia despite the great title, is little more than music can be expected from this. some burner-hot garage rock a la—I R2D2 noises and a rhythm section too don’t know—the Chinese Millionaires hair. MojoMatt and DaveMatic bang Gonna hafta be extra diligent in clean- their way through sixteen ass-shakin’ fucked up to play together. Lots of ing my ears with a wire brush after lis- or the Screaming Bloody Marys. The needless instrumental farting around, fact that there are only two songs on swampy punky rootsy bluesy hollerin’ tening to this. –Jimmy Alvarado tracks. Their imitation and interpreta- taking their cues from Sebadoh’s Freed (Flameshovel) this: lame. The two songs themselves: tion of American music raises the bar Weed but without any of the redeeming pretty goddamn ripping. A bit of fresh indie qualities of that record. Avoid this blood here in a genre that at times for all Europeans influenced by NEED NEW BODY: American music. And their English is stinker. –Josh Benke, Cultural Where’s Black Ben?: CD seems to be sagging and stumbling its Ambassador (Slutfish) way out of the bar. Thanks, guys. impeccable –Jessica T (Alien Snatch) Funky white boy rap, sound bits, and –Keith Rosson (Blue Bus) improvisational noise jams abound, but MR. PLOW: MURDER YOUR DARLINGS: it still wasn’t all that interesting. Mad Plow Disease: CD Self-titled: CD –Jimmy Alvarado (5RC) MIRRORS, THE: Loud, brash rock’n’roll that would give A Green Dream: CD Do you like GG Allin? How about Some pretty good psych rock here, true Raffi? Have you ever heard what the some o’ them Scandinavian rocker NEGATIVLAND: to form, and with a solid ‘60s feel to it. two would sound like if mixed togeth- types a run for their money. –Jimmy No Business: CD Probably not something you might er? Enter Mr. Plow! Acoustic punk rock Alvarado (Reptilian) Negativland, if you don’t know, are a wanna put on while you mowing the dirtiness that will have you crying with group of audio-collagists who have, for something like twenty-five years, not be the best introduction to a political punk band in a place where though I made a heavy comparison to a assembled found sounds (from radio, Negativland for the uninitiated (then having a point of view that doesn’t fol- band that has left its roots far behind, old records, etc.) into their “composi- again, it may; I’m no expert), but as a low the party line could render a person North Lincoln still has a style that is tions,” and gotten sued at least once package, it’s going to be a worthy addi- very dead. –Jimmy Alvarado (Boshet) their own. I’ve been listening to these along the way for copyright infringe- tion to any free-thinking person’s pile of guys for a few years via many review ment or something to that effect. stuff. –Cuss Baxter (Seeland) packages, and they continue to grow Negativland, if you DO know… well, NOFX: There’s No Fun in and better themselves. This is their you probably know more than I do, NERVOUS PATTERNS: Fundamentalism b/w Fungus, strongest release and fans of the band or because they never did a whole lot for Beautiful Brutal, You Can’t I’m a Huge Fan of Bad the genre should not be disappointed. me other than the Weatherman’s spoken Change: one-sided 7” Religion: 7” –Newtim (No Idea) stuff whose voice I could listen to all The Nervous Patterns inhibit that tightly I’ll admit it right off the bat that I’m dang day, even the longest day of the wound, anxious universe of the Lost prejudiced. I don’t like rich people. NRA: Machine: CD year. Due to their legal troubles, they’ve Sounds (along with sharing members), Pretty much hate ‘em. Class war. These seniors of the Amsterdam scene become champions of the idea that cul- where circuit boards in your brain rust There’s a line you do not cross. That are back with a new record and distro ture’s products should be available for and the sound of something big and type of thing. Fat Mike’s probably the through Gearhead in the USA. The later cultural workers (read: “artists” of strong breaking in wrong ways, leaking only millionaire I actually admire. music is great pop punk that carries the various sorts) to use as building blocks. a mysterious fluid permeates the first Because he could take the easy route same feelings of later Ramones records In other words (among other things), song. Makes me think of androids made out. By some lucky horseshoe, NOFX and even reminds me at times of J that sampling (specifically in music, as of meat, in revolt, working on has had the suburbs in the palm of their Church with a touch of rock’n’roll. The analogous processes in other disciplines Kraftwerk songs with their fists. The hands for over a decade. And instead of choruses are all catchy. It’s one of those are generally fair game and unregulated second song, “You Can’t Change” is just going out and peddling some shoes records that, at first listen, it just blends in the way music is) should not be a what I wish they’d played at my prom at the Warped Tour, he makes it plain into punk homogeny, but after a few lis- crime. No Business, as progression of instead of the theme song to “St. Elmo’s and simple (and funny, and catchy) on tens it really digs into your brain and, that philosophy, is the first Negativland Fire.” It’s swelling, aching, tender, bats the A-side that dogmatism in religion is days later, some song will be playing in work to be COMPLETELY composed about bright Cure-like guitars, and unequivocally fucked. (Priests molest- your head that you just can’t place. The of components from other sources; twines them around mournful but hope- ing children and how many Middle tune you can’t get out of your head nothing original to Negativland is on ful female vocals. The second side is Eastern religions treat women are two sounds like a bunch of bands, and you here. And it’s funny as hell. Ethel blank; needle just zipped right across it. easy examples.) And if that shakes some really dig the song, but you just can’t Merman blasting (I think that’s the word –Todd (Zaxxon Virile Action) kid up—who’s stuck in the stucco night- figure out what the hell it is. Then when for sounds coming out of Ethel mare inside the bowels of a planned you finally remember listening to this Merman) “There’s no business like NIKMAT OLALIM: Self- community to a new way of looking— record it dawns on you that these guys stealing,” and Julie Andrews’ favorite Devouring Land: 7” EP awesome. The b-side’s a throwaway. are really good. –Newtim (Gearhead) things folded asunder (“crisp eyelash- Israeli hardcore with lyrics condemning Khaki-colored vinyl. –Todd (Fat) es,” “brown raindrops”) are highlights, the Israeli government, conscription, OPERATION CLIFF CLAVIN: but there’s a dense wall of this stuff for shitty jobs, and blindly following ide- NORTH LINCOLN: Out of Control (A Discography you to lean against. Also, there’s a fifty- ologies. The inside of the cover also Truth Is a Menace: CD of the ‘90s): CD page book (not to mention a special includes two essays, one about how the I’m sure these guys are so sick of hear- I just can’t believe how often the whoopee cushion) which explains very concept of anti-Semitism is abused by ing this by now (or entirely proud), but Operation Cliff Clavin CDs go out of clearly Negativland’s position on copy- Israeli hardliners and the government to memories of hearing the first few Hot print and then warrant a repress. Now right, the potential benefits and pitfalls justify its actions, and another entitled Water Music records come to mind right that’s a cult following! This time of the internet regarding music distribu- “Did You Ever Think What It’s Like to away. The driving, medium-tempo around, there are even MORE songs tion and intellectual property rights, and Shoot Somebody in the Head?” No anthems do well as a follow up to a than before and a nifty li’l live DVD. even what’s wrong with America’s cor- doubt this release is sure to cause quite genre that ended before it began. I can I’m glad to have gotten this though, oth- porate law that drives greed and bullshit a stir in the band’s home country. Much picture a basement full of kids, fist erwise I never would have heard the from the top down. No Business may respect to them for having the balls to be pumping through every chorus. Even anti-Star Wars song, called “C3PO Can Suck My Ass,” and the two amazing gets so much sound out of what’s he’s appeal to cactus heads and baldies alike. films that span the time of the ‘60s covers: one of the Misfits song playing, like he’s got a secret third hand This is a reissue of their first album, through the ‘80s. –Donofthedead (Mint) “Astrozombies” and the other of the that no one else can see. Live: awesome. with assorted singles tracks tacked on oldies hit “Blue Moon.” –Mr. Z On record: on par awesomeness. What’s and some really good liner notes to give PLASTIC CONSTELLA- (Plan-it-X) sometimes not obvious live (via okay you an idea where these guys and girl TIONS, THE: Mazatlan: CD PA and the limitations of DIY) is that were coming from. All in all, a great I realize that dissing this band is the OPPRESSED, THE: how layered their songs really are. introduction to a band I now wish I’d equivalent, to some, of pissing napalm Won’t Say Sorry: 2 x CD Smart, hardcore leads are snuggled up paid more attention prior to. –Jimmy on one of Minnesota’s sacred indie Long-running skinhead band that has to blunt garage. Tricky little bridges and Alvarado (Captain Oi) cows, but this form of angular indie been a favorite, compile some covers intros tie them altogether, so there’s rock isn’t the one that does anything for that run the gamut on this release. They both considerable weight to the obvious PEPPERMINTS, THE: me. The musical parts seem to change pay homage to Jamaican legends “fuck-you-ity” and nimble movement to Jesus Chryst: CD every half-second or so and there’s too Simaryp, the 4 Skins, the Clash, Eddie keep it far and away from being gener- I generally avoid bands that sound like much pointless noodling here (and they’re trying to be the Melvins, but frankly, the chops aren’t that technical); and the Hot Rods, Sham 69, Cockney ic. Say, for purely hypothetical reasons, when a band can sound sort of like the it’s basically the post-punk equivalent of Rejects, Slade, and others who came The Orphans came out in L.A. in ’77. Melvins without sounding like they’re prog rock. When combined with the before them. I can’t believe how may They’d be neck and neck with The actually trying to do so, and when vocals—which sometimes verge on rap covers this band has recorded. Makes Bags, The Screamers, and The Weirdos. they’re seventy-five percent ladies to and otherwise take their cues from all of me want to break out the hair clippers Being that it’s 2005 and L.A.’s fractured boot, I’m on board like Gord(on). post-core—there just isn’t much here and shave the head, followed by clean- all to hell, punk’s getting dirty and Retarded record title notwithstanding for me to like. For fans of whatever ing things up with a razor and dusting neglected again, and not as many people (the last one was called Sweet Tooth post-core indie darling happens to be the off the fourteen-hole Doc Martins, grab- are paying attention, do yourself a favor Abortion—much better), the rage right now. –Puckett (2024 Records) bing a wife beater out of the dresser, and pick up one of the finest 7”s this Peppermints’ bluntly sparkling exercise pulling out the suspenders out of the box year will likely see and people will be in thud power is a solid monolith of PLATE-O-SHRIMP/ of clothes I haven’t worn in a couple of seeking out for years to come. –Todd intention, and not inept, loose, noisy or THE UNSTUCK: Split: 7” decades, and trying to squeeze into a (Vinyl Dog) shrill in any way. –Cuss Baxter Plate-o-Shrimp: Their website describes tight pair of pegged jeans. There are so (Paw Tracks) them as “high-energy punk-style/power- many classics covered with competen- ORPHANS, THE: pop rock,” and I guess that’s accurate, cy. Worthy of the price of purchase are Electric S b/w W.W.W.D.: 7” PHANTOM LIMBS: based on what’s here. The one original the two versions of the oi classic, Remember the time you drank so much Random Hymns: CDEP and cover of DOA’s “Fuck You” here “Skinhead Girl.” –Donofthedead cough syrup at that Oblivians show that Way too fuckin’ short for my taste, but ain’t bad, but not quite memorable, (Insurgence) you puked up cigarette butts onto the any new material from one of the best either. The Unstuck: Punk rock, poppy hood of somebody’s car and then you punk/death rock bands on the planet is in an un-bad way, catchy in a head-bob- ORPHANS, THE: woke up the next morning on a pile of more than appreciated. Their sound is bing way. The Unstuck win this round. Electric S b/w W.W.W.D.: 7” trash with a black eye and somebody all mohawked clowns wreaking havoc –Jimmy Alvarado (www.plate-o- Live, the Orphans dominate. Wade, the else’s pants on? This is like two songs of in the midst of one truly wicked fucking shrimp.com) bass player, is unplugged half the time, that. –Josh (Vinyl Dog) carnival. Mr. Dark in Bradbury’s busy on conking someone over the head Something Wicked This Way Comes PLAYERS CLUB: with his stand and swinging his bass like PARTISANS, THE: would no doubt be cranking this up to Coextinction: CD Self-titled: CD eleven. If by some fluke you’ve man- I think that when one picks up a CD by a bat on a rope. Jenny can’t stand still, aged to miss hearing anything by these a group that calls themselves the Players and is often cleaning the floor with her Here’s another band I knew only from Club, it’s perfectly valid to expect rap assorted compilations and never really guys, I suggest you rectify the situation back as she slithers around, the arc of immediately. –Jimmy Alvarado (GSL) music and not post-Helmet/Unsane her prowling defined by the length of thought much of, but I gotta say, this sludge metal. Shit, now I gotta put my her mic cord. Brandon’s an absolute was some pretty good stuff. Fairly polit- Kangol and Adidas away, cuz these ical English punk that thrashes along PLANO: Brigadoon: CD basher. Dann doesn’t move too much, Weird soundtrack music for B-movie guys be bringin’ the wrong noise. but it’s really a mind trick because he quite nicely and has enough attitude to –Jimmy Alvarado (Arclight) PLEASE MR. GRAVEDIG- REAL LOSERS, THE: RIISTETYT: RUBBERMIILK ORCHES- GER: Throw a Beat: CDEP Gimme Action: 7” Valtion Vankina: LP TRA: When in Rome Arty skronk rock. Songs are short, Geez, by looking at the cover art—with Skitsofrenia: 12” EP (Revolution): CD vocals are screamed; you know the drill. the heads of this boy-girl-boy band past- In a generous move akin to getting five Quirky trampoline dorkcore with rub- –Jimmy Alvarado (Pluto) ed atop tiny cartoon character bodies— hundred free boxes of peanut butter Girl bery bass lines and space lab guitar i’d expect something a little more malt Scout cookies, Havoc offers up reissues noodling and post-modernistic vocal PLEASE MR. GRAVEDIG- shoppe oriented, like Junior Varsity; at of this venerable band’s first album and stylings. In other words: Primus junior. GER: Throw a Beat: CDEP bare minimum, sort of a barely compe- 12” EP, both from 1983 and, frankly, the As it turns out, I found out a long time Yeah, yeah, yeah. I fucking get it tent Rock & Roll Adventure Kids type world is suddenly a better place. From ago that my God-given allotment for already. You scream a lot, play angular thing. Imagine the bedlam and tumult liking this overly carbonated kind of guitar lines and throw in some its opening cover of the Varukers’ that erupted when the needle hit the “Protest and Survive” to the closing rock music is one-album’s-worth—and choogling keyboard lines for good mea- vinyl and—after one brief delay when i that was used up with Primus’ Frizzle sure. Slow it down a little and it sounds “Kukaan El Välitä,” Valtion Vankina is checked to see if the needle had fuzz on Finnish thrash of the highest order, the Fry album long, long ago. Now this like electro-clash to me—the Numbers, it or something (always a good sign)—i stuff just mostly makes me dizzy and maybe? Erase Errata? I’m sure there was bombarded with a bunch o’ fuzzed- aural equivalent of being slapped gives me gas. Sorry fellas, this just isn’t must be some bastardized new wave of out-to-fuck, needles-so-far-into-the-red- around for a few days by a four-thou- my cup of pork soda. –Aphid Peewit no-wave connection that I’m missing, that-they’re-now-going-the-other-way- sand-pound gorilla with a toothache. Its (Chocolate Stain) but this just sounds like jumping on the on-the-color-circle-and-are-now-into- unrelenting ferocity has withstood the bandwagon of a trend that’s already the-magenta pounding (and when i say test of time and could easily hold its SADDLE TRAMPS: over and wasn’t hugely interesting to “pounding,” i don’t speak metaphorical- own against damn near any hardcore Nashville Swinger: CD begin with. –Puckett (Pluto) ly—the drummer only uses a snare, a band currently walking the planet. Wait’ll the big guns get a whiff of this cymbal, and a floor tom. That leaves lit- While it isn’t wound up quite as tight, one. The Saddle Tramps are on par with POINTED STICKS: tle room for paradiddles and the like) Skitsofrenia is no less crucial a listen, legendary gold-standard groups like Perfect Youth: CD that sounds like what The Go’s crazy with more than its share of wild, ener- BR5-49, Bastard Sons of Johnny Cash, Don’t let the name fool you into think- teenage siblings might let loose in the getic thrashing, supplemented by the the Derailers, Shaver, the Paladins, and ing this is a hardcore band. This is the basement when they got home from occasional slower-burning tune to stave the Blasters—well-balanced and well- 25th anniversary re-issue of some of the their after-school jobs of picking up off any potential eruptions of sponta- written country rock. Capable of pound- best Canadian pop with punk sensibili- candy bar wrappers strewn along the neous combustion. I gotta remember to ing out spaghetti westerns, blistering ties (spiky pop) ever released. I put this roadsides where Stooges trod—with, of give Felix Havoc a hug and thank him psychobilly, and Mariachi/ Norteño- up on a pedestal with The Go-Go’s course, just enough Kennedy/Johnson- profusely if ever I meet him for bringing infused country (Tex-Mex), the band Beauty and the Beat, The Vapors New era kitsch flowing thru the proceedings these, and so many other fjordcore clas- rounds out their sound with a light- Clear Day, and Elvis Costello’s My Aim to keep it reet. Thank you sir, may i have sics from the likes of Kaaos, back from hearted wit similar to Robbie Fulks and Is True. Non-sappy, exciting, timeless another? BEST SONG: “Rejected at the obscurity, even if it is in this case for the swaggering confidence associated (well, two and half decades with no sign High School Dance” BEST SONG only five-hundred copies of each. with Twistin’ Tarantulas. Snicker-induc- of obvious wear) pop that, if you’re in TITLE: “Dum Dum Baby” FANTAS- Maybe I’ll send a couple of boxes of ing titles include: “How Can I Say I the mood to sing along to instead of TIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: This is Girl Scout cookies instead. So mandato- Love You (with a Shotgun in My shaking your fist to, you can’t go wrong the best sleeve AND the best record i ry for the collection that to even say so Mouth)?” “My Dick’s Too Big,” with. Great for dates, also great as got to review this issue, so whomever “Cotton Pony Express,” and “(You Put “ambassador music,” music you can is a wasted effort. –Jimmy Alvarado said that you can’t judge a book by its (Havoc) the) Cunt in Country.” They’ve also introduce to people who “don’t really cover can go fuck himself. –Rev. Nørb thrown in a surprising cover of the like punk,” so they’ll soften up a little (High School Reject) Vandals’ “Susanville.” Live with three bit before you turn up the heat. Geek ROSA: I Mississippi You: CD Refreshing acoustic punk with a country studio tracks. –Jessica T (Split 7) notes: Dimwit, drummer of the REASON OF INSANITY: Subhumans, joined them pretty early on twinge and a wink of an eye. –Mr. Z Self-titled: LP (Plan-it-X) SCRUBS, THE: and the songs off of their 7” are the This record is a wonderful time machine Return to the Basement: CD bonus tracks. –Todd (Sudden Death) that will swoop you back to 1987 and ROSEMARY’S BABIES: Painfully plain Midwest-mall emo punk drop you smack dab in the middle of the watered down for the most suburban of POTSHOT: Dance to the Talking to the Dead: CD pit at a DRI/Cryptic Slaughter show. Collected here are what I’m assuming appetites. Nice guys finish last. Potshot Record: CD Everything is perfect, from the so-bad- –Jessica T (Nice Guy) This is their fifth full length? Where constitute the complete sessions that have I been? Not that I have been the it-rules Pushead-inspired study hall resulted in the band’s 1983 Blood Lust biggest fan of ska lately, but this band notebook doodle artwork to the badass, 7” EP, plus some live tracks recorded at SHAKIN’ NASTIES/ from Tokyo plays some fun stuff that blown-out production and LOTS and CBGB around the same time. What you THE HATE PINKS: Split 7” reminded me of Screeching Weasel, LOTS of songs. Fuck this new-school get is twenty-five tracks of east coast Shakin’ Nasties: They’ve got a nice bal- Beatnik Termites, and a little bit of the shit of four songs on a seven inch. This hardcore that is very much of its time ance between the modern beach punk Queers if you added some horns. Catchy monster has twenty-eight motherfuck- from a group whose biggest claims to sound (a la Hostage Records), mixing choruses of bad Engrish mixed with ing songs on it. Lyrics about killing fame is that they come from the same snideness with sharpness, and splint it some solid fun. It really brings me back cops, fucking the man, nuclear war, you NJ scene that spawned the Misfits and with the best trappings of new wave: to the ‘90s when I really loved this kind know how it goes. It even has one of that their drummer was none other than tight transitions, great interludes, and of stuff. I really could dance to this those sweet collage inserts with show Eerie Von, who went on to play bass in spot-on songwriting. They made me record, but not in public. That would be flyers and drunk fat dudes and wicked Samhain and Danzig. While they sound think of a stylish suicide. Everything’s embarrassing! –Donofthedead pits and the whole bit. This record is nothing like their more famous neigh- well ordered, but feels fatalistic. (Asian Man) totally fun and if you like fun you will bors, they do have a certain charm of Hatepinks: French version of the Briefs, totally like this record. –Ben Snakepit their own, as evidenced by songs like which isn’t bad at all. They’ve got the PRINCESS: Self-titled: CD (Psycho Wolf, no address) “Let’s Molest 10-Year-Olds,” “Fake snot, sarcasm, and the bounce in spades, Their website claims that Princess “will- Babies,” “Alice in Murderland” and and with catchy song titles like “Kissing “Attack of the 50-Foot Cowboy.” Only fully pushes musical contradiction and RIISTETYT: Kahleet: 7” Cops with My Ass,” they’re fun to hum confusion to its elegant limits,” and I downside to this is that, unlike the orig- The latest from these guys, who appear inal EP, the cover of this ain’t hand col- to when you’re getting groceries. Not can go along with that to a fair degree. It to have reshifted their focus back to essential, but fun nonetheless. The pack- kinda reminds me of early Devo meet- ored. Bummer. –Jimmy Alvarado playing the straight ahead hardcore that (Ghastly) aging is great. Clear insert over a full- ing hip-hop sensibility with some John made ’em all those millions back in the color cover gives it a ton of dimension, Zorn thrown in for flavor. (Or, is that ‘80s. There’s a bit more Discharge in the ROTTEN FRUITS, THE: and it’s on thick vaseline-clear vinyl. flava?) Those around me right now mix than I remember them having, but –Todd (Relax-O-Matic Vibrator) claim that its experimental nature gets Abomination: 7” damn if it ain’t sweet as hell when you Holy crap! Did The Evaporators move annoying because they’re trying too hear someone put that influence to good SHARK SOUP: hard to be clever, and at times that’s to Chicago to start a “homocore” band? use. This is destined to be a classic, as Seriously, this singer sounds so much Self-titled: CDEP true. Intentional enjambment of at-odds Psychobilly from Germany with one musical stylings can be hit or miss; well it should be. –Jimmy Alvarado like our own beloved Nardwuar Thee when this hits, I’m enraptured, and (Havoc) Human Serviette, that it’s scary. Rather part stand up bass, one part guitar, and when it misses I go racing for the skip than sing about cheese addictions, rash- one part drums to create a trio; more fun button. –The Lord Kveldulfr (Tony RIISTETYT: Tuomiopäivä: 7” es and obscure Canadian historical odd- than the Stray Cats and in league with Chaos) A reissue of an EP by this highly ities, The Rotten Fruits sing about being Tiger Army. I’m grateful that this was respected Finnish band, first recorded gay, and having sex with skinhead boys. released in the EP format instead of a RAT BYTE: Self-titled: 7” back in 1984 and released in 1991. Not The record isn’t bad, but I just can get full length. With songs not clocking in These guys have a thing for early ‘80s as metallic as some of their later stuff, past how much it sounds like The ‘Vaps. more than three minutes, this is an easy hardcore and it shows in their songwrit- this is just pure, undiluted hardcore, –Ty Stranglehold (Criminal IQ) and enjoyable listen. –Donofthedead ing—not too fast, no metal pollution in pissed off and taking no prisoners. The (Shark Soup) the guitars, and plenty of teenage pressing is limited to 2550 copies, so ROUE: Upward pissed-offness to go around. Nice to see start scrambling for it before it slips Heroic Move: CD SHATTERED FAITH: a song called “Fuck the Cops” on a punk back into obscurity again. –Jimmy Skronky art rock. No big whoop. Bootleg: CD record again. –Jimmy Alvarado (FNS) Alvarado (Havoc) –Jimmy Alvarado (Exit Stencil) Okay, gripes first: 1) What is this insis- tence in using the version of “Right Is 93 Right” with the guitar intro cut off? If songs where they throw in some blast Discharge influence and just fucking Good Charlotte marketed as punk. the original master wasn’t available beats. This is a decent hardcore record run with it in a direction that just pum- –Donofthedead (Orange Peel) with the intro intact, why not find a that brings the early ‘80s and early ‘90s mels the senses like until all that’s left pristine copy of the second Rodney on styles together nicely. This looks like a of you when you’re done is a quivering SLOW POISONERS: the Roq comp and use that instead? bootleg of some early stuff, because blob of flesh colored Jell-O. Melodrama: CD Most perplexing of all, who decided there are notes saying this was record- Recommended. –Jimmy Alvarado The Slow Poisoners are campy but starting off the disc with that song was ed in ‘94 and ‘96. I wouldn’t call it (Havoc) their delivery of this shtick-y art-rock is a good idea? 2) Why are the Life Is… groundbreaking, but I’m pretty into it. deadpan, theatrical, and strangely, it comp tracks absent and replaced with –Newtim (In Your Face) SLANDERIN’: works. It is melodrama—I feel like I the vastly inferior Volume 2 versions? A Rumba of Rattlesnakes, should have worn my ostrich-feathered Goblin did a fine job singing on them, SHITGIVETS, THE: A Murder of Crows: CD hat and paid for a dim candlelit dinner and one of ’em, “The Omen,” isn’t rep- Vicious Circles and This band is very popular—but heavily of Cornish game hen with bread pud- resented here at all. 3) Given the num- American Dreams: CD formulaic and predictable. Nearly ding and a tinkling glass of sherry ber of rarities that didn’t make it on Mediocre hardcore/crusty punk. So-so redeeming quality: the lead singer while the actors pantomime behind the here, why the inclusion of so much recording. But I can’t be a hater, (Chrisian Slander) has that instantly sheet stretched across the stage. This stuff readily available on the CD GTA because I’ve probably made demos that panty-creaming, come-here-dirty- sensation plus the Mystery!-esque song put out a couple of years ago? Seems sounded exactly like this. –Mr. Z (Loud whore gravelly voice, just like titles (“Act Two: Nefarious Deeds,” like such a waste, you know? Now that and in Your Face) Demented Are Go. That just sends me “He Who Gets Slapped”) and player- I’ve gotten that out of the way, let me every time. But not enough to keep lis- piano ditties leaves the impression that say that any collection highlighting SHIVER: Last Rides of the tening to this album. Tangent: One this is solely a performance theatre duo Shattered Faith’s “golden era” is frig- Midway: CD thing that bothers me about psycho is who would change direction with the gin’ mandatory listening. Although An excellent recording of a wholly that a lot of singers think they have to Grand Perseverance of the Most much is missing here, the fact that the unremarkable pop punk band. Kudos to sing forcefully like this to be psycho— Northerly Wind. Why invest long-term inclusion of all the tracks from The Billy Stevenson and Jason Livermore but there are scant few who can actual- in such unpredictable behavior? Future Looks Bright comp, for their ability to make even the mun- ly pull it off. So please, sing within –Jessica T (Roctopus!, no address) “Discontent” from the Who Cares dane sound good. –Jimmy Alvarado your range and don’t force it. It’s comp, and one of the two tracks from (Da Core) unnatural for most of you. –Jessica T SNAKEBITE: Every Bad Idea the Destroy L.A. comp make this an (Split 7) Is a Good Idea: 7” invaluable addition to the collection of SHOP FRONTS: Self-titled: 7” “RRRAAAWWWR!!” is how this any self-respecting punker. Bitching Decent punk rock with enough thud to SLEDGEHAMMER: record starts off. Fast, pissed-off, good aside, I’m stoked as hell to hear these make it interesting, but not enough Your Arsonist: CD ol’ New Jersey hardcore. I love this songs again. –Jimmy Alvarado (Finger) oomph to make it crucial. Compared to Way too much metal, way too little kinda shit. It makes me feel like I felt some of the other amazing releases this originality, and way too unimaginative when I saw Tear It Up in 2002. Ah, the SHITGIVEITS, THE: label is responsible for, this was a bit of to warrant a second listen. If I wanna good ol’ days. It’s got a cool Winston Let’s Get Shitfaced: CDEP a letdown. Not that the band sucked or hear aggressive music involving metal Smith-looking collage artwork, good, It’s hard to place exactly what these anything, but I was just expecting out- of any kind, I’ll put on Einstürzende angry lyrics, and blistering production. guys have been influenced by. It defi- right amazing considering the source. Neubauten’s first album. –Jimmy There used to be a shitload of bands nitely reminds me of a mixture of early –Jimmy Alvarado (Rapid Pulse) Alvarado (Martyr) like this, but it kinda seems like the Grimple with the bass lines and hints of thrashcore fad is dying out. Good for pop. I can also tell these guys like the SKIT SYSTEM: Enkel Resa SLOPPY MEATEATERS: Snakebite, ‘cause they’re too good to Meatmen because of the over-the-top Till Rännstenen: LP Conditioned by the Laugh get lumped in as just another generic lyrics and early ‘80s hardcore style. A reissue of a record the band released Track: CD thrash band. They’re better than that, The recording is shitty, but it’s hard- in 2001, this is a fine example of mod- Music marketed for the Hot Topic set and this record is the fucking proof. core, so it works. A few songs are sung ern Scandinavian hardcore at its heavi- that gives me the same sinking feeling This is music to punch out windows to. and a few screamed. There are a few est. These guys take the requisite when I see bands like Simple Plan or –Ben Snakepit (Don Giovanni) SNUFF: Six of One, Half a banana. I’m not real big on greatest hits to try to fix some serious health prob- behind and the new ground unmapped. Dozen of the Other: 2 x CD packages, but this one was done right lems. The ferocious, grisly sounds on Let others follow at their own risk; I was first introduced to Snuff via the and is quite enjoyable. Now if they this EP mirror the recent horror of my whether they also find the way is irrel- Abbey Raid 1: Fuck EMI comp LP that would only come back to the states body—spitting hemorrhaged blood into evant because they will find something came out, I believe, in the late ‘80s. On again to tour. –Donofthedead (Fat) the sink, looking at MRIs of cranial new regardless. In many ways, Some what label? I don’t know and I’m look- bone erosion, coughing up unidentifi- Girls occupies similar music space as ing at the record right now. They play SNUFF: Six of One, Half a able masses of solid organic matter that other seditious musical minds like the Tommy James and the Shondells Dozen of the Other: 2 x CD are the shape and size of the first two Albert Ayler, John Coltrane, Charlie song “I Think We’re Alone Now.” I Where do I start with Snuff? Well, I knuckles of my little finger. My body, Parker, Archie Shepp, and Ornette thought it was brilliant. Most of the stuff was led to them in ’94 when told that at the moment, exists somewhere Coleman—not in the musical style, but that was coming out of the UK that I they shared members with Leatherface. between the abject and the Kristevan the approach, in the sense that some- was listening to was more crossover That was enough for me so I went out sense of the other; this EP falls along thing more is going on or could be hap- metal or thrash. To hear a band play and got Demmamussabebonk… And similar lines, both alienated and alien- pening and that ignoring what is known with so much melody, but still had the then all the other records as fast as I ating, ostracized and ostracizing. It is and staring into the abyss may reveal rawness of punk fascinated me. When I could. Yep, Snuff is one of those bands the other side of pop music, the exactly what that is while teetering on saw a copy of their first 7” Not that can wrench just about any emotion deformed thalidomide twin revealing the edge of chaos. These songs spill Listening, I bought it without thinking out of me but in the end leave me want- (and revering) the ugliness which is over with dizzyingly complex musical twice. I’m not good at being a com- ing more and more. Disc one covers the glossed over by production values and ideas; like a reservoir well past capaci- pletist when it comes to record collect- “hits” quite well. Well-rounded and a marketing strategies. To understand ty. Rather than explore an idea or two, ing, but I have about fifteen different good listen. Disc two is the gravy for what it sounds like, imagine running an Some Girls throws a mass of concepts Snuff releases, including some of the fans. It’s got all that Snuff craziness industrial meatgrinder at full power into a blender and liquefies them offshoots like Guns and Wankers and a that we know and love (live antics, until it starts to smoke and rattle, until it beyond recognition, transforming them Dogpiss CD. They are on my all-time wacky covers and just plain good breaks down completely—and fill it into a corrosive substance which will favorite list of bands. They are outside songs) and more. Highly recommend- with anguished yelps and screams. It eat through steel and concrete, and then of the cookie cutter of bands and are a ed. The whole package is a great way sounds like warfare—the sound of plays the result faster than I ever band that stands the test of time. You for someone to get into the band, but I machine guns and dying soldiers thought humanly possible. The lyrics can listen to one of their early releases would really suggest getting all of the caught in concertina wire. It is openly aren’t what I expect from grindcore or and listen to a current one and they both records NOW! –Ty Stranglehold (Fat) hostile and abrasive; it is guitar-driven hardcore; they’re simply too literary, are incredibly enjoyable. So disc one is and grinding. It is musical dermabra- using near-rhymes and alliteration to a good sampling for a greatest hits. SOME GIRLS: The DNA Will sion for boring ideas expressed in dull craft images and borrow ideas from Enjoyable from start to finish. Not a Have It’s Say: CDEP ways by uninteresting people and in a both prose and poetry. There is also stinker in the bunch. Disc two is a real (Super-Extended Rock Critic Codeine decade in which some punk bands have humor here, although it’s hanging from treat. It has so many tracks that I have Trance Mix) essentially become collaborators, the a gallows as Wes spits out lines like not heard before: B-sides of singles I I haven’t figured out everything I need musical equivalent of the Vichy French “Yea, well, fate is fucking romantic if don’t own, unreleased tracks and bonus to say about this record yet; I usually (and still more seem to aspire to that you can get off on failure.” Like most tracks from records that I never knew have an album or two that I struggle capitulation), Some Girls defiantly of the albums that I love, this EP existed. But to make things go full cir- with every year and this time, it’s throw potato mashers whilst engaged in requires just a little more engagement cle, the first track is “I Think We’re because these six minutes are simply door-to-door partisan combat. This is, and commitment; it is not easy to Alone Now.” Even though it is refer- too fucking dense to parse on even the effectively, musical terrorism in any absorb and it is not catchy in any tradi- enced that it was on the Lie to Me twentieth or thirtieth listen. Perhaps it’s sense that matters. It is also the only tional way (we aren’t really talking comp, I know this has been on a num- because these sounds are the aural logical response to contemporary about verse-chorus construction here). ber of comps through the years. But embodiment of how I’m feeling lately; music—the proper reaction to bland- This record requires that you dedicate hearing a cover of Macy Gray’s “I Try” next Monday, I’m heading in for my ness is a sprint to an extreme, to seek yourself to it a bit, that you put aside made me grin like a monkey with a second operation in less than a month out new terrain and leave the old world what you think you know about music and engage it on its own terms—it SPACE CRETINS: the small group of people who actually Xymox or another synth-driven 4AD draws you onto its own ground for the Rocket Roll: CD bought one of the, say, two hundred band with pop edges will do nicely). fight, which is a dangerous place for Decent enough junkie rock with fright- copies of a given release by said band. Toss in a dash or two of shoegaze (like you to be and an immediate disadvan- eningly disposable lyrics. Produced by So much about punk and hardcore in the Ride, My Bloody Valentine, Lush, etc.) tage. However, you will learn from the Jack Endino. –Jimmy Alvarado (Killing ‘80s (at least in the circles I ran around to round out the songs and provide some beating this record dishes out, even Pig, no address) in) was not as much about whether you musical depth and texture. Add some though it’s only six minutes long, and is had the latest from more popular bands breathy, crooning vocals (not entirely not for the faint of heart or for people SPACEHORSE: like Hüsker Dü or 7 Seconds (although unlike Flesh For Lulu, only with more who have weak stomachs. You will Self-titled: CDEP being familiar with them didn’t hurt) as of a husky quality). What you should learn, you will expand your musical I love promotional material sometimes. it was about what amazing obscurity wind up with, as I said when I first horizons, and you will grow. (Side This label proclaims that this band is you stumbled upon that week. Through heard “It Never Seems to Last”—a song note: While it’s true that other bands fast hardcore in the vein of Double O, this ritual, bands like the Mentally Ill, that should (and in any other world have created similar records—Napalm Die Kreuzen, Battalion of Saints, Void, Italy’s Raw Power, Germany’s would) have been a massive radio hit— Death, Universal Order Of Articles of Faith, and the Offenders. Inferno and damn near any is a soundtrack for a John Hughes film Armageddon, The Locust, et. al., just to Being an old guy, let’s look at this Scandinavian band to commit music to that never got made (and think about name a few—Some Girls happens to do claim. The bands mentioned all sound tape garnered more than a couple of John Hughes circa Some Kind of it exceedingly well. ‘Nuff said. For uniquely different from each other. I fans as far away from their hometown Wonderful or Pretty in Pink, the two now.) –Puckett (Three One G) will give them hints of Double O, as East Los Angeles could be. Sadly, I movies he made that seemed to capture Articles of Faith, and the Offenders. I would further venture to say that it’s teen angst and class awareness most SOME GIRLS: The DNA Will don’t hear the Die Kreuzen and defi- that peculiar punk habit that somewhere honestly). I won’t claim that this is bril- Have It’s Say: CDEP nitely not Battalion of Saints. You know went haywire and resulted in dumb- liant, innovative, or great, but there are Seven songs in a little over six minutes. what this band sounds like to me? Ciril. fucks unclear on the concept paying times when I don’t expect or need a Comes with a video that shows the band –Donofthedead (Gravity) ridiculous prices for records they’re record to change my life; right now, this playing, paint being thrown against a only gonna store in a hermetically well-crafted album is perfectly satisfy- wall, and dudes making out. The juxta- STARVATIONS, THE: sealed box in an airless room and never, ing and that’s good enough. –Puckett position of the music (a la Combat Gravity’s a Bitch: CD ever play and, thus, taking such gems (Tarantulas) Wounded Veteran, the Locust, Reversal I’ve been waiting for Gravity’s a Bitch’s out of circulation. Fuck that. Records of Man, etc.) and the album art (super- release for months now. See, not too are supposed to be played often and, STRAIGHTJACKET: bright colors, rainbows, a winged bunny many albums get me all worked up more importantly, shared with others Modern Thieves: CD with its guts falling out) is brilliant. nowadays, and unless Greg Cartwright who might find them crucial. So this Nothing flashy here, just straight ahead Charged, frantic hardcore that’s maybe appears on a recent release, I typically whole bootleg and/or reissue culture of punk. As Todd alluded to in his review a little too cute and smart for its own pass up the new stuff for something stu- reintroducing long gone bands back into of their 7” in the last ish, there’s hints of good, but I dig it. Karen from the Yeah pid like a Little Eva 7”. But not the the punk rock conversation is just greatness here, but oftentimes I feel that Yeah Yeahs screeches along with the Starvations! No, no, especially taking peachy, I say. Not only has it kick start- it stops just short of those possibilities. boys on one song. The typo in the album into account 2003’s masterpiece, Get ed the musical career of the Queers, Like watching a prizefighter who title is theirs, not mine. –Keith Rosson Well Soon. ANYWAY, I’d heard some which may or may not be a good thing strings along his opponent, I keep wait- (Three One G) of the new stuff at shows and had a feel- depending on how you feel about them, ing for a knockout blow that never ing this record’s arrival was going to but it’s also exposed a lot of people seems to materialize. Instead there is a SOUTH FILTHY: cure some of my audiophile/record col- (myself included) to bands they never string of solid body blows and jabs to Crackin’ Up: LP lecting withdrawals. And it totally did! new existed, such as the State, which the face that do the job over time rather South Filthy are some legends from the Fuck, Gravity’s a Bitch totally rules! brings us to the record currently up for than all at once. A good record, but I ‘90s (Monsieur Jeffrey Evans, Jack The album’s success lies in the discussion. This is a reissue, not a boot- wanna be KO’d. –The Lord Kveldulfr Oblivian Yarber, Walter Daniels) show- Starvations’ growth as songwriters and leg, of this Michigan band’s first of two (TKO) ing their roots by doing legendary song- musicians; Gabriel Hart comes through releases (the other being a 12” that, writers’ work from back in the day; again with chord progressions so per- according to some sources, is nowhere STRAPS, THE: songs by Marvin Rainwater, Tom T. fect, I keep listening to individual songs near the caliber of this, but I digress). The Punk Collection: CD Hall, Gino Washington, Bo Diddley, over and over again—it’s like when The band cranks out seven blasts of Captain Oi shines a spotlight on another and others are covered here. Soul, blues, Allan Freed would play songs to death, quirky thrash that are finished faster band that has fallen through the cracks old school country—respectability. I only I don’t get payola and have never than it takes to read the lyrics. Although of time, this one featuring alumni from hope it makes the true crossover and been sauced on the air. Hart’s slide gui- they don’t really sound like them, com- the class of ’78, a number of whom plays in truck stops. Two-hundred and tar is fucking ridiculous, too— parisons would lead to other now- went on to bigger and better things in fifty copies are a deluxe edition double “Nightshade Sweats” reminds me of obscure Midwestern bands, like Die bands like Theatre of Hate and Sex vinyl set with their first album on some Kid Congo’s work on Las Vegas Kreuzen, whose Cows and Beer EP was Gang Children. A number of “guests” Sympathy. –Speedway Randy (Rockin’ Story. His formidable, morbid narra- just as crazed, chaotic, and quirky as make appearances here, including the Bones) tives are back too, most notably in the what’s here, and the Fix, who were just odd Damned and Subs member. “were going on vacation as soon as about as rough around the edges and Included here are the tracks from the SOVIETTES, THE: LP III: CD Blind Lemon Jefferson’s ghost comes mean-sounding as these guys. band’s single and album, both of which The Soviettes’ LP II was easily one of through with the tickets” blast of “Lost Ultimately, this deserves a spot in hard- are fine examples of UK punk at its my top five albums of last year. Their at Sea;” Jean-Paul Garnier is quite pos- core’s hallowed halls just as much as best, alternating between thudding LP I was in my top five for the year sibly L.A.’s best bassist not named any of the genre’s more celebrated primitive tunes and proto-post punk before. So the real question with LP III Tommy Branch. The dude works the groups. Thanks to Felix Havoc, you can experimentation. This ’un’s a keeper. was whether or not they could keep up fretboard like Rob Ritter did on Miami get a copy of this bad boy, which was –Jimmy Alvarado (Captain Oi) the trend. Three top five albums in three and has something most bassists don’t mastered from the original tapes and years. That’s a lot to ask of any band. have: creativity! Piano/accordion player features a faithful reproduction of the SUPERSUCKERS: My expectations were so high that I Vanessa Gonzalez continues to demon- original cover layout, for 3/100 the Devil’s Food: CD couldn’t imagine being anything but strate how integral her multi-instrumen- price you would pay for a copy of the This self-released “Collection of Rare disappointed. And, to be honest, my tal pallet is to The Starvations’ unique original. Better snatch it up quick, Treats and Evil Sweets” is intended to first listen was a little tepid. I wasn’t sound. And therein lies the Starvations’ though, ’cause there’s only a thousand crash the Supersuckers-bootleg market sure if this album could stand up to their secret: they know how to write idiosyn- of ’em out there (well, 999 if you count and “shortens the wait” between studio first two. There was that third song that cratic, solid tunes and play their instru- the one that ain’t gonna be leaving my albums. If you’re a SS fan from way sounded like Pat Benatar could’ve sung ments really fucking well. They also home anytime soon). If you do manage back (like the eMpTy days), feverishly it. And there are definite rock star sound well-versed in America’s musical to get one, be sure to play it often and sought out dozens of live shows, shame- moments to some of the songs: big history, a lot like the Clash in ’79 and share it with as many friends as you can. fully bowed out around 1999’s Evil power chords and riffs that sound like the Gun Club in ’81. If you know those –Jimmy Alvarado (Havoc) Powers of Rock ‘n’ Roll, and wish to they could become guitar solos. Still, bands, you know how fucking scary that God they’d put out another country there was enough of the Soviettes to get is. And until I drive my roommates’ nuts STATIC AGE, THE: Neon album, then this is manna from heaven. me to spin it again. As songs started with repeats of this record, I’ll finally be Nights Electric Lives: CD There are no overtures of shameless separating themselves and all the parts able to leave my In the Red Records If you grew up in the 1980s, you know Spaghetti-strapped forty-year-old started fitting together, this album made altar unmanned for longer than a day. that you simply couldn’t get away from women dry-humping Eddie’s leg from sense. It’s punk rock and eighties pop Goddamn. –Ryan Leach (GSL) music like this—dark, synth and the front row while screaming, “Oh, and some of the best elements of fellow effects-driven gothic pop that echoes for Eddie. Ooohhh, Eddie!” This is not for Minneapolis bands like the Selby Tigers STATE, THE: No Illusions: 7” days. Think somewhere along the lines the rock ‘n’ jock crowd. This album tra- and Dillinger Four. It’s also never far One of the good things to come out of of the guitar tones of A Flock of verses the group’s garage, punk, and from my stereo. I burned an extra copy the whole Killed By Death phenomenon Seagulls with the general mood of B- country highways and divergent inter- to keep in my truck. I can’t stop listen- is that a lot of attention has been Movie or The Cure; think along the sections over the course of a sixteen- ing to it. It’s early to say, but I think the focused on bands that otherwise darker, unhappier fringes (though not song (eleven originals and five covers Soviettes are gonna make my top five would’ve continued to wallow in obscu- quite as dark or unhappy as Christian including OutKast, Electric list three years running. –Sean (Fat) rity and remained unheard of outside of Death or Joy Division—Clan Of Frankenstein, and Lionel Richie) road

96 trip. Upbeat ass-shakin’ punk in “Shake TALK HARD: War Journal: 7” TEENAGE CASKET CO.: head just firing blind and sending out It Off,” country versions of Here’s one that takes me back. Metallic Dial It Up: CD promos to every magazine with a glossy “Doublewide” and “Born with a Tail,” a hardcore, but not in the current dark- Reviewer rule #316: If any of the band cover. Through You’s got a mixture of blunt discussion of everyone’s favorite and-suffering-band-of-the-week mold. I members is sporting the last name “sweet riffs,” chunka-chunka hard rock makeshift paraphernalia in “Tin Can,” a mean this sounds like Struggle or some- “Wylde,” the odds of the record sucking stuff, and acoustic ballads. The vocals fantastical doo-wop tune with a table- thing off of an Ebullition comp from the are upped exponentially. Reviewer rule alternate between rap rock and an eye- spoon of Andre Williams’ humor called early ‘90s much more than it does like #848: If one of the song titles is “Bad wateringly high, lilting singing. Three “Rubber Biscuit” and a hopeful nod to Isis or anything off Hydra Head today. Girl,” and a member of the band is of the four members thank God in the wishing others well in “End of an Era.” It’s pissed, it’s smart, and there are sporting the last name “Wylde,” careful- liner notes. Includes the lyrical gem, “I Damn, that’s good. Now, where’d I put weird little breakdowns and parts pep- ly place the offending article down, step see fire in your eyes controlled and that roach? –Jessica T pered throughout the songs so that it away slowly, call for the mass evacua- molded into stars and God’s given you (Mid-Fi Recordings) hooks you, keeps you listening, and tion of a thirty-mile radius, and nuke the His wonders to hold and blessed this never turns into a snoozefest. With whole area to ensure any traces of the love of ours and it is so unbelievable SWEATMASTER: songs like “American Idle,” “Hardcore offending record have been eliminated. how beautiful this has become.” I read Tom Tom Bullet: CD Kids Say the Darndest Things,” and “If –Jimmy Alvarado (Trashpit) the lyrics to Anna and she started vom- O MERCIFUL GOD, KILL ME NOW Your Local Anarchist Collective Ruled iting everywhere. If I had to sum it up in THAT THIS MAY BE THE LAST the World,” you know what you’re get- TEMPER TEMPER: a one-word review (and was allowed a RECORD THAT I HEAR ON THIS ting here: short, furious, intelligent Self-titled: CD hyphen), I’d say soul-killing. If Clear EARTHLY PLANE SO THAT I BOP songs by kids that are just as ready to These sons of Milwaukee have a record, Channel and the CIA ever put their AND SHIMMY INTO THE AFTER- critique the fallacies of their own scene and a good one at that. It combines the heads together and came up with a LIFE WITH SWEATMASTER’S as they are to the government or con- hypnotic yet andrenalizing qualities of black-ops studio band meant to nullify INFECTIOUS, GOOEY-GROOVY sumer culture. A twelve-song seven- big beat dance music with the frenetic the general populace’s will to live, these ROCK ‘N’ ROLL SOUL-PUMMEL- inch from a band I’ve never even fuck- urgency of a life too short to be lived to boys’d be hired on the fucking spot. I ING GUIDING MY SPIRIT INTO ing heard of, and also a record that just full satisfaction, giving it an air of ele- predict a 7-Up commercial or two in ETERNITY… –The Lord Kveldulfr so happens to come heartily recom- their future. –Keith Rosson (Parafora) (Bad Afro) gant, artful destruction. Magnificent. mended. –Keith Rosson (Don Giovanni; –The Lord Kveldulfr (Revelation) www.sonofabitchbastard.com) TORCHE: Self-titled: CD SWING DING AMIGOS: I don’t know anything about Cavity, in The Mongolita Chronicles: CD THOR: TEENAGE Thor Against the World: CD which as at least one Torche was, but The Amigos smack you around like a BOTTLEROCKET: Total: CD last year’s Floor CD was a top-shelf crack bitch with twenty tracks, most all I thought there was a bad heavy metal I had heard mp3s and must admit I band in the ‘80s that has used this name favorite on the Baxter farm, and two clocking in at under a minute and a half. wasn’t too impressed. But listening to Floors are in Torche, and you can hear Being a trio, these guys have got their that sounded like Manowar. I don’t it now and thumbing through the book- know if this is the same band, but, man, it. I also don’t really know anything shit together. Tight, yet loose, a la Toys let, I think I’m falling in love. The about Queens of the Stone Age, but I That Kill. This disc is a big-ass wall of this is painful. This band has the Alice vocals, lyrics, and attitude rule. If the Cooper cheese theatrics to it while think that’s the general territory on raw, bleeding rawk that sounds like phrase “pop punk” doesn’t scare you, which tread Torche: heavy on the heavy, what Minor Threat would have sounded being backed by Quiet Riot. It’s proba- and you’re a HUGE Ramones or bly more fun being on the other side but also on the smooth. Guitars are like if they took to emptying cases of Lillingtons fan, this disc is for you, tuned so low you’re not sure whether beer and fifths of booze in their spare making this music, but I’m not amused. hands down. Two thumbs way up. –Donofthedead (Smog Veil) you’re hearing them or feeling them, the time. The Amigos would’ve been a “Stupid Games” is by far the best track vocals flow like Guinness and there’s repeat opening band for Black Flag, but on the album. Push the repeat button, THROUGH YOU: hardly any bullshit to fuck with your lucky you, you get to see The Amigos QUICK! –Mr. Z enjoyment of the rolling of the thunder. the next time you get the chance. Don’t Silhouette: CD (Redscare, www.redscare.net) This thing is absolutely amazing: a clas- The whole thing’s under thirty minutes, blow it. –Designated Dale (Rock N Roll which is a shame, but you’ll find it only Purgatory) sic case of some record label PR dick- seems like about twelve. And, yes, I’m a bunt situation into another crackin’ low them down many a dark alley and utilitarian approach and because these ignoring the hideous cover and middle hit. Side A’s quintessential TTK: gui- hear what they stumble over and kick guys sound like they eat entire lunch- school lines like, “war is beautiful.” tars and vocals battling it out like man- back at. Not for geniuses or people who boxes whole—and I mean the old- That’s my right. –Cuss Baxter (Robotic nered vultures picking at the world’s beat off to complexity, just a damn fine school metal kind with the glass-lined Empire) carcass, pure outpourings of dragstrip- band. –Todd (Puke) thermos inside. Though this is not very ping energy that mess up electronic tuneful and I can’t imagine anything TOY DOLLS: devices, octopusal drumming, and mid- TROPHY: more insipid than people who exert this Our Last Album?: CD dle-eastern scaling that only I seem to Made Out of Babies: CD much effort trying to convince the Dunno whether the title is accurate and hear. “Breakin’ Out” borrows a Clash Face it, guys. No matter how many world what tough-ass galoots they are, this is truly their swan song or they’re riff, is wildly poppy, and may stump loud guitars, no matter how many this is serviceable oi and it is not with- just having a laugh at our expense, but existing TTK fans if you don’t tell them goth/rock/punk riffs you fire off, no out its brutish charms. Pass the if it is, indeed, true, then we are the who it is before playing it. But, man, do matter how much racket you make to ketchup. – Aphid Peewit (Headache) worse off for it. In recent years they’ve I like it. –Todd (Dirtnap) try to hide it, your singer still sounds gotten into a groove, of sorts, cranking like Bjork. Only when you admit this VAN ERMANS, THE: out LPs that, while not always as manic TRACTOR SEX FATALITY: can the healing truly begin. –Jimmy Under the Gun: CD or inspired as their earliest work, were Live It Down: 7” Alvarado (Neurot) Emo. What does that even mean? It solid additions to their recorded legacy, Noise rock from a band that features was pretty funny when Screeching and this is no exception. Olga’s guitar former members of the Honeymoon UNDERHILLS, THE: Weasel named a full-length Emo. work is as jaw-droppingly good as Killers, the Gloryholes, and the Primate What Went Wrong: CDEP –Mr. Z (Broken Spoke) ever, Tommy Goober and Dave the Nut 5. Annoying in all the right ways, espe- When you’re in a band ready to release cially “Cagematch,” which just might one of your recordings for the world to VARIOUS ARTISTS: provide the requisite precision backing, be my favorite new song of the week. hear, you don’t say, Let’s not put our and the lyrical subject matter remains 80 Records and We’re Not –Jimmy Alvarado (Big Neck) band name on the outer packaging! I Broke (Yet): 2 x CD silly, as evidenced by titles like “No really thought this band was called One Knew the Real Emu,” and “The I’ll give Level Plane this (and little TRIGGERS/ SPITS: Split 7” What Went Wrong. There was a symbol else): they did the right thing making Death of Barry the Roofer with The Triggers are the kings and queens with a lower case “u” that was under- Vertigo.” This album’s cover tune of this a double CD. The first disc is stan- of dirt melody. They sound so sloppy lined inside a circle. Boy, that sure dard label sampler, with tracks from the Boomtown Rats’ “She’s So and catchy at the same time. I’m a doesn’t say that this is an Underhills Modern” is serviceable at worst, and available product, but disc two is all sucker for dual male/female vocals and CD to a guy who has never heard or unreleased material. Sadly, the majori- there are a couple of “bonus” tracks as for ripped-jean, piss-your-pants-and- seen them before. If I hadn’t actually well, “Tony Talks Tripe” and a re- continue-your-conversation-like-noth- looked at the insert and seen in tiny ty of both parts is twisted up from recording of “Yul Brynner Was a ing-happened, alcoholic punk, and it’s print that was the band name, I would everybody fiddling with high strings, Skinhead.” These guys are/were one of hard to find a finer specimen than the have never found out. Anyways, this so busy building tension with their punk’s truly original voices and will be Triggers. They’re the Avengers if the band sounds like early Blink 182 meets weird keys and drone notes and break- missed if this is their last hurrah. Avengers were more crumpled, surly, the Queers to me. –Donofthedead ing new ground (mm hm) they forget –Jimmy Alvarado (SOS) nihilistic, and toured in a shitty van (Cabana 1) the Riff and Groove, thus neglecting with a muffler holding on by a guitar what makes rock music rock music. TOYS THAT KILL: string. Spits: It’s too soon to put it in URBAN RIOT: There are exceptions: Bucket Full of Don’t Take My Clone cement, but the Spits have the Public Enemies: CD Teeth, Transistor Transistor, Melt b/w Breakin’ Out: 7” Ramones-height ability to make songs If the music on this disc was food, I Banana, Newgenics, Avorza (eventual- The hyenas haven’t been tamed. The seem too simple, too easy to do, and are think it would be a meatloaf, with plen- ly) and Nixon do remember to rock; lions haven’t been declawed. The played in a way that’s obviously as ty of thick chest hairs baked in and bro- and Air Conditioning and wheels on the TTK wagon rarely stop heart-felt. Gloriously retarded and ill at ken teeth sprinkled over the top. With LickGoldenSky (on disc two only! The rotating. Secret muscles developed and ease. Even at their more fungal (the their stubborn, workmanlike attitude, song on disc one is crap!) are so far cardiovascular fitness improved from first track) and noise loopy synthesiz- you could say Urban Riot is “lunch- from Rock to begin with they can’t continuous touring turns what could be ery (the second one), I’m willing to fol- box” street punk, both because of its really be said to be missing the boat; “Rock’n’Roll from the City of craw (I bet naming a comp Gringos of which provides the requisite Mob 47 they’re on the train. –Cuss Baxter Brotherly Love,” I was wholly expect- Going Gaga or A Hectare of Honkies cover, “Rustning är ett brott.” Most (Level Plane) ing bad bar rock, but this is quite possi- would raise all kindsa hackles), but definitely a comp worth tracking down. bly the most consistently good scene musically this is a marked improve- –Jimmy Alvarado (Wasted Sounds) VARIOUS ARTISTS: overview I’ve heard since the Let’s Get ment over the pop punk crap that per- Dance Hall Troops Vol. 1: CD Rid of L.A. comp. Featured bands meated the first volume. So far as I’m VARIOUS ARTISTS: The days of the compilation have long include Thee Minks, The Bad News able to tell, the bulk of the bands here Oi! Made in Holland: CD been over. Gone are the days of Bats, Bad Penny, The Chance, are from California, a number of them A decent enough overview of all things Someone’s Gonna Get Their Head Toothless George and his One Man residing to the north of Los Angeles oi coming from Holland. Musically, it’s Kicked In and Let Them Eat Jellybeans. Band, The Blow Goes, The Party County. All but one specialize in hard- pretty much along the lines of oi from Other than a few standouts (Hostage Wreckers, Econocaste, The core (the lone exception being a noise most anywhere else in the world, with fucking Records!), the compilation Misteriosos, Dragon City and the piece by The Mouse and the Moose) gruff vocals and lotsa violent sounding record has somehow morphed into the Jukebox Zeros. This is gonna get worn and some heavy hitters are represented band/song names, like “Bootknife,” “label sampler.” Rather than put a kick out pretty quick. –Jimmy Alvarado here, including KatKiller, Ill Repute, “Fuck ’Em Up,” “Another Dead Ref,” (Tick Tick Tick) Dr. Know, Bad Samaritans, and The “Banner of Thugs,” and the like. Of the ass bunch of songs, labels seem to opt rd for putting out a weak cross section of Missing 23 , with nearly all of them twenty-five tracks here, Discipline’s their tepid roster. As I noted that this VARIOUS ARTISTS: Live at turning in some good work. In short, “Hell Is for Heroes” is the standout was comp was sponsored by a record The Continental / Best of NYC this is a good compilation (a rarity track, just as it was on their most recent label and a clothing company, I was Vol. 1 & Live at The these days) marred by a truly stupid Captain Oi release. Overall, not bad, expecting the worst. BOY, WAS I Continental / Best of NYC title. –Jimmy Alvarado (LTE) although I will admit I made a point of FUCKING WRONG!!! Dancehall Vol. 2: CD not paying any attention to the lyrics Both of these discs showcase NY bands lest the illusion be shattered and I Troops just my be the savior of the VARIOUS ARTISTS: and artists doing their live thing at the Norrland D-Beat would come to the realization that Punk Rock Compilation (along with Continental bar, a place where many a Compilation: CD Holland’s batch of baldies were just as Hostage fucking Records!). Good van-travelling band has done a gig or It never ceases to amaze how the lame and thick-skulled as so many of Goddamn, this record rules. And the two at when their tour pulls through Scandinavians have managed to take their brethren elsewhere. –Jimmy bands, THE BANDS!!! So many good NYC. Both discs boast a gang of names the sound and style of a single band, Alvarado (Rebellion) bands, that I’m sure that I’ll miss men- you’ve come to be familiar with: Joey namely Discharge, and turn it into an tioning some of the best ones. It’s all Ramone, The Ramainz, Jesse Malin, entire sub-genre. On this comp are nine VARIOUS ARTISTS: Punx good, but here are the standouts. The Cheetah Chrome and Handsome Dick bands from the northern end of Sweden Unite—Leaders of Today: CD Sleazies, Die Hunns, Smut Peddlers, Manitoba, Agnostic Front, Cro-Mags, who take the basic template invented A collection of thirty-two so-called Smogtown, Broken Bottles, my local Murphy’s Law, The Bouncing Souls, by Cal and the boys more than two “relevant punk bands of today,” of (Victoria, BC) favorites Keg Killers, Lunachicks, The Voluptuous Horror of decades ago and manage to come up which a grand total of three truly stand Curb Slappys… It goes on and on. This Karen Black, Toilet Boys, The Bullys, with nine wholly different takes on it. out, with the remaining “leaders of thing has been in the stereo since I got The Waldos, and a helluva lot more. From the metal of Ambulance to the today” falling somewhere between it. I’m waiting for Volume Two. –Ty While the sound lags a bit on some of grinding noise of UrUg to the more tra- “very mildly diverting, like a heat rash” Stranglehold (No Front Teeth) the tracks, these discs are great back- ditional thrash of Human Waste, a and “why bother?” Special mention ground music to crank up for your next whole host of noise is here, waiting to goes to Complete Control who, in addi- VARIOUS ARTISTS: Get inebriated get-together. –Designated lay waste to your eardrums and induce tion to saddling themselves with such a Outta Philly: CD Dale (The Continental) convulsions if you crank up the volume creative and original moniker (yes, I’m A mighty fine compilation of punk in anywhere past four. Besides the above, being sarcastic), have ripped off all its permutations from, drugged-out VARIOUS ARTISTS: other bands representing here are Ana Cocksparrer so blatantly that I’m sur- surf rock to ‘60s trash to borderline Mixo de Punko! Vol. 2: CD Barata, Earth Died Screaming, 365 prised they’re not up to their eyeballs in hardcore to Dolls-influenced rock. The faux-Spanish title of this now- Dagar Av Synd, Reign of Bombs, lawsuits. Bands contributing to this Given that this is subtitled series of punk comps still sticks in my Auktion, and Uncle Charles, the latter include Toxic Narcotic, The Voids, Monster Squad, Cheap Sex, the indistinguishable from one song to the VARIOUS ARTISTS: of those bands were able to manage in Casualties and a myriad of parrot punk next, and faux “regional” comps that are Walk the Plank Vol. 1: CD their prime. –Jimmy Alvarado bands heavy on the Crazy Color and often nothing more than thinly dis- DISCLAIMER: My band is on this (Step-1 Music) fashion but anemic on originality, con- guised versions of the aforementioned compilation but I won’t mention them viction, or substance. Maybe I’m get- label showcase format. Thankfully, any further. Here we have a benefit VCR: Self-titled: CD ting a bit old, jaded, and cynical, but as though, it appears that the true “scene” compilation for a member of one of the This EP is not as bad as the cover art I listen to this, I can’t help but think the compilation is making a comeback, and song names would lead me to think. thanks to the likes of Hostage Records, bands who has Multiple Sclerosis. That only thing relevant here is the Dead is as good a cause as any, as MS is an Best description I can think of is 2005 Kennedy’s line, “Punk’s not dead it just Lengua Armada, and a few others. post-art-punk/synth-rock like the sort of Which brings us to this bad boy. evil disease that needs to be stopped. On deserves to die when it becomes anoth- to the music. The first few bands here nose-in-the-air stuff you’ve come to er stale cartoon.” –Jimmy Alvarado Subtitled as “redefining punk rock from expect from Dim Mak or GSL. It’s like the South,” a large contingency of the kind of dashed my hopes for this. Sort (Sideonedummy) of a post-hardcore emo deal. a comatose This Is Revenge. For the bands here represent the Carolinas, but band consisting of only two keyboards, other parts of that area of the United Uhh…yeah. My discouragement was VARIOUS ARTISTS: soon forgot when I got to the middle drums, and bass, it’s not all that bad. Smash the States: CD States are represented as well. The One thing is for sure: it doesn’t seem One of the truly great things about com- sounds are diverse in execution, with portion of the disc. Bands such as Love Me Destroyer (ex-Pinhead Circus), like the type of band that would be pilations that has been more or less lost nary a band sounding like another else- signed to Side One Dummy. I know, since punk rock became the music where on the comp, even though much Handy with Shovels, Whiskey Kiss and Sack had me rocking. The majority of tripped me out too. –Mr. Z industry’s latest cash cow is that they of what is on here could fall under the (Side One Dummy) were once a great way to get acquainted “hardcore” umbrella. Most significant is this rocks and you can’t beat a good that the lion’s share of the groups here cause. –Ty Stranglehold (Mutiny) with what was going on in other parts of VICE SQUAD: the punk rock world, both within a cer- do not seem to have any professional VARUKERS: The Riot City Years: CD tain geographic area and within a sub- affiliation with Suicide Watch Records, Matt Wingrove’s truck, summer 1988. scene. In some cases, they were the only who put this out. The only significant The Riot City Years: CD gripe I can muster is, outside of I had a buddy, Matt, back in the ‘80s That’s what this CD conjures up. My way less affluent scenes could prove friend Matt was a total Anglophile when their existence to the larger world, and email/web addresses, there’s a lack of with an unflagging adoration for info about the bands provided here. English punk and girl bands. On one it came to punk and a sucker for a band many of them became classics in their with a girl rockin’ the mic, so it was own right. In the U.S. alone, Flex Your Sure, it saves on printing costs, but, trip to the Rock Shop on Hollywood being the curmudgeonly old schooler I Boulevard, he procured a dubbed cas- almost a gimme that Vice Squad would Head, Boston Not LA, Not So Quiet on be one of his favorite bands (well, them, the Western Front, Cottage Cheese from am, I like info on the band—in all its sette with Skrewdriver’s All Skrewed spelling error-riddled, cut-out-of-maga- Up on one side and another band we’d the Superheroines, Pandoras, and L7, the Lips of Death, No New York, Yes LA, the latter of the three he liked so much and the Rodney on the Roq and Life Is… zines-and-pasted-helter-skelter glory— never heard, the Varukers, on the other. being provided with the comp. Outside he roadied for them during that period), series introduced the likes of Minor Once his initial fascination with the A- and he played them CONSTANTLY. Threat, Void, Jerry’s Kids, The Freeze, of that, you could do much worse than side wore out, he began playing the flip picking this up and marveling at the Normally, some would find such repeat- Gang Green, MDC, 7 Seconds, Urban with increasing regularity and it soon ed listenings of the same band day in Assault, Flipper, Whipping Boy, Big racket being raised by the likes of became a listening staple while cruising Boys, Dicks, DRI, Teenage Jesus and Allergic to Bullshit, My So-Called and day out intolerable, but Vice Squad East L.A. in his Toyota truck. This disc were such a good goddamn band— the Jerks, DNA, The Germs, Black Band, New Mexican Disaster Squad, acted like a kind of time travel back to Randy, Shattered Faith, Black Flag, Carrie Nations, The Fighting Mailmen, grade-A ‘80s British punk fronted by those misspent summer days for me. the legendary Beki Bondage—that you Saccharine Trust, and literally hundreds Forgotten Youth, and a bunch of others. Those not familiar with the band will of others. In recent years, however, the Does it rival Flex Your Head? No, but it really didn’t notice that the same tape find on this CD tunes that musically fall was being played over and over again. once-noble compilation format has seen isn’t 1981, and this is one cool-ass look somewhere between Discharge and the its reputation sullied by ignoble labels at what’s going down in the Southern At one point, he bought a copy of every Exploited—mostly fast ’n’ furious with Vice Squad single he could find and, showcasing the meager efforts of their underground circa 2005. –Jimmy lyrics a little more complex than either talent pool, much of which sounds Alvarado (Suicide Watch) voila, a whole new slew of tunes for our listening enjoyment. A good hunk of the do it well. I wasn’t completely turned this. Please stop. Thanks. BEST SONG: pause button, and that neither the fast tunes that comprised that second Vice off by listening to this. –Donofthedead “Ulcer Soul,” maybe. BEST SONG forward nor rewind buttons are func- Squad tape are here (as well as three (Just Add Water) TITLE: “Linear Communication,” tional on my computer. I frown upon songs from a demo by their side band although i’m really starting to lean such slipshod functionality! Also, i can’t the Sex Aids), essentially the tracks VIOLATORS: towards “We Can Die Now” FANTAS- spell the word “resuscitate” without from the pre-Stand Strong, Stand Proud The No Future Years: CD TIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: I’d singing the Sweet Baby song singles, all of it crucial listening. Remember these guys from their like to thank the Milwaukee Brewers “Resuscitation.” –Rev. Nørb (Super Haven’t seen Matt since 1991 and last I appearance on one of the Punk and and Washington Nationals baseball Secret) heard, he was living in San Berdoo. Disorderly comps and not being all that clubs, for it was the radio broadcast of Listening to this, though, with the stereo impressed with ’em, but this release is your May 16th, 2005 game that made ZATOPEKS: cranked to its full, wall-shaking maxi- another matter entirely. A collection of my stopping listening to this CD possi- Ain't Nobody Left but Us: CD mum, I find myself back in that battered assorted singles and such that they made ble. –Rev. Nørb (Sympathy) Catchy UK pop punk apparently influ- mini-truck of his, complete with “Yogi while signed to No Future, the bulk of enced by the sounds of early rock'n'roll is a sex dwarf” and “The Rejected” (the the music here is very dark and experi- WINKS, THE: with a smattering of Tom Waits-ish sen- name of the band he and Yogi had at the mental, almost post-punk in sound, Too Hot to Be This Cool: CD sibility. There's an air of retrospective time) graffiti in the bed and exhaust which was a surprise given their look Sounds like a post-Supercharger edition sentimentality to this, in the sense of streaming in from the hole in the cab and their fairly by-the-numbers punk of Girlschool (but factoring in some "Where have all the good days gone floor, cruising the hills of City Terrace, name. The songs, many of which are a other factor that allows the subjects to when greasers spent Friday nights get- looking for a gig to go to, some trouble bit on the long side, are nevertheless a rocket thru thirteen songs in eighteen ting into fights?" and rock'n'roll was to get into, or some combination there- good listen, with their non-Xerox take minutes), which is not, in and of itself, still fresh and simple. Based on the of. –Jimmy Alvarado (Step-1 Music) on punk, and specifically English punk, enough to seriously renew or resuscitate mood on this record, the Zatopeks are it’s a nice change of pace in an era (both my flagging interest in The Punk Rock; hard-charging, looking to rock above all VIKINGS, THE: then and now) when everyone seems however, when i clicked on the multi- else, but they seem to be a bit ill-at-ease The Best Head Ever: 2 x CD more interested in sounding like every- media content files (that means in a modern world that doesn't always There are some releases I have no busi- one else. Good stuff. –Jimmy Alvarado “movie”) and the Quicktime™ file appreciate the beauty of simplicity. The ness reviewing. This is one of them. I (Captain Oi) opened up not in a generic player, but in lesson here is that there can (and should will pick up practically anything up at a cool oval with a thick pink border and be) excitement in the seemingly mun- Razorcake HQ to review so I can see if WILLOWZ, THE: a Winks logo above the screen and a dane, be it a three-chord tune or chance it will float my boat, especially the Talk in Circles: CD background that blended from white on meetings that seem innocuous at first “Mystery Meat” pile where only a few This band has swiftly devolved to the the top to pink on the bottom, in what but still haunt us for reasons unknown. (including the infamous Jimmy point where they’re at their best when would be the rough equivalent of a 20 –The Lord Kveldulfr (Stardumb) Alvarado!) will venture. The Vikings trying to either sound like a) a thrift lpi screen, with little white control but- are not my thing, but this band compro- store version of the second side of the tons with pink arrows and such on them, mises of a former Devil Dog (who I first Television album, or b) some sort well... holy shit, color me reborn. You have never listened to) and some of high school biology experiment heard it here first, folks: MULTIME- Scandinavian dudes including a embarked upon with the aim of finding DIA CONTENT IS GO!!! BEST Turbonegro (who I admit, I have never out what Redd Kross would’ve sounded SONG: “Saturday Night” BEST SONG really spent that much time listening to like had they been remiss any particu- TITLE: I dunno, “Saturday Night” either). From what this looks like, this is larly good songs. The Jefferson seemed to go down a storm for the Bay a discography CD with a bonus live disc Airplane-ish psychedelic she-mum- City Rollers. FANTASTIC AMAZING from a show in Sweden. I can’t say that blings, the quasi-free-jazz-improvisa- TRIVIA FACT: As much as i love the this one grabs me by my sweaty balls. tionings, the neo-White-Stripe-White- custom-made winkin’ pink Winks This is a little too straight forward rock Stripings? Uh, no. Please. No. No more. Quicktime™ player, it is my sad duty to for my tastes. But I can tell you that they I can’t even think of a funny way to say report that the thing doesn’t have a C O N T A C T A D D R E S S E S to bands and labels that were reviewedin the either last in two this months. issue or posted on www.razorcake.com

• 1-2-3-4 Go!, 732 56th St., • Epitaph, 2798 Sunset Blvd., • LTE, 1344 Oak Trail St., • Rumble Gulley, 1112 Stanley Dr., Oakland, CA 94609 LA, CA 90026 Thousand Oaks, CA 91320 Newport, WA 99156 • 2024, PO Box 580482, • Equal Vision, PO Box 38202, • Mad Butcher, Kurze Geismarstr.6, D- • Scarey, Casella Postale 516, Succ. 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Ashland Ave., Boston, MA 02215 • Lookout!, 3264 Adeline St., • Rockin’ Bones, c/o Gualtiero Pagani, Lexington, KY 40502 • Dr. Strange, PO Box 1058, Berkeley, CA 94703 Borgo Palmia 3a, 43100 Parma, Italy • Zaxxon Virile Action, C.P. 1218, Alta Loma, CA 91701 • Loud and in Your Face, PO Box 22661, • Rodent Popsicle, PO Box 1143, Sorel-Tracy, QC, Canada J3P 7L5 • DSK, 1723 Park Meadow Dr., San Diego, CA 92192 Allston, MA 02134 Jamestown, NY 14701 Send all zines for review to Razorcake, "I'll do PO Box 42129, LA, CA 90042. Please anything include a contact address, the number legal for $7.05 of pages, the price, and whether or not an hour." you accept trades. –from Lazybones #4

9 AND A HALF LEFT, #10, $1, of the interview.) It’s not Spin telling BIKE, #5 / LIST, #6, $2, effort. But, some good stuff nonethe- 5 ½ x 8, 36 pgs. you what’s cool or what the next big 5½ x 4¼, 32 pgs. less, especially if you’re from This reads more like a small autobi- thing is; it’s people with an honest- So yeah, I do like Bike a lot more Detroit, or planning to be in Detroit ography than anything else. I guess to-God love of the music that they when it’s not cop stories. His half of any time soon. –Brian Mosher everyone loves to talk about them- write about . And even if you don’t the split is more of the sloppy car- (Fleshwave, 21620 Hoffman, Saint selves, but at least this guy wrote like the current state of indie rock, if toons that got my attention in the last Clair Shores, MI 48082) something down. It talks mostly you’re just looking for overlooked issue. The illustrated stories are about the author’s fiancé and baby gems spanning from the dawn of about busting out his teeth doing a HARD AND PISSED, son, as well as his experiences and recorded music to hardcore punk bike jump, getting caught stealing Vol. 1, 8½ x 11, 32 pgs. theories. The stories are interesting before the knuckleheads took over, aspirin from a drug store, and some Newsprint zine with decent layout, I while staying mostly personal. Jack’s taste is immaculate; this other stuff. The List half is… um… guess. Essentially, the entire focus of Quitting smoking must be a drag; his issue’s got the Raspberries (the band well, a bunch of lists. A list of things the zine consists of a series of point- writings make me even gladder I that directly inspired Paul she wants to learn (including how to ed rants denoting the sad state of never started in the first place. The Westerberg to play guitar!), and build a sailboat), things to look for- hardcore today. Great. Perfect topic, guy also likes dinosaurs... a lot. Plus recent issues have had the Urinals, ward to, things to accomplish this one that needs to be addressed, right? points for mentioning The Bags in the Zombies, Savage Republic… summer, that sort of thing. Both Especially with humor, which is the favorite records section, too. The probably every band you can think halves of the zine have a lot of what these guys are attempting to do. grammar and spelling could be of that’s worth listening to. charm, and a hand-screened cover Unfortunately, their humor essential- greatly improved. Case in point: Honestly, along with Trouser Press, always gets a thumbs up from me. ly consists of calling everyone they “too,” “two,” and “to” mean very this magazine has led me to so many I’d really like to check out future take issue with 1) homos, 2) fags 3) different things; using the word “to” amazing bands that we’ll never hear issues of both. –Josh (Daniel Shea, pussies and/or 4) bitches. By page for every single one can get confus- on classic rock radio and will never 1605 Park Ave #3, Baltimore, three, they’ve exhausted every possi- ing and irritating to an educated get their due. It’s one of my five MD 21217) ble combination thereof and are just reader. Simple grammar errors are favorite magazines ever and I seri- shamelessly repeating themselves. not “DIY,” they’re just annoying. I’ll ously look forward to all 280 pages. CITIZINE, #8, $3.25, What’s worse, the writing just isn’t let it slide and say, sans all the tech- Absolute highest recommendation; 8½ x 11, 48 pgs. that good. Guys, I suggest spending nical errors, 9 and a Half Left is a it’s the way things should be. –Josh Lots of good stuff, including part two less time complaining about other good read. –Mor (9 and a Half Left, (249 Eldridge St #14, NY, NY10002) of their interview with Kira Roessler. people’s haircuts and doing uninter- Mike Rodemann, 13426 Meri Ave, Also, separate interviews with Derf esting interviews with Madball, who Lakewood, OH 44107) BIKE, #4, $1.50 or trade, Scratch and Spit Stix from Fear, with pretty much sucked the first time 5½ x 8, 32 pgs. very different perspectives. About a around, and spending more time with BIG TAKEOVER, #56, $5.99, Daniel, who does Bike, seems like bazillion CD reviews, including Jello the old thesaurus. And give proof- 8½ x 11, 280 pgs. a really cool guy, the kind of guy Biafra with The Melvins, Frank Black reading a shot. Edit, edit, edit. –Keith If you have a short attention span, go you could eat tacos with and talk to and Two Pale Boys, Coffin Lids (who Rosson (c.rap.com) ahead and skip to the last sentence. I about records that most people I love!!), NOFX, Neko Case, and have an undying amount of respect have never heard of. So I don’t many more. Also some fiction, some IT'S ALL GRAVY, #8, $1, 5½ x for Jack Rabid, the publisher of The want this review to be miscon- social/political commentary, some 8½, photocopied, 30 pgs. Big Takeover. The guy has been strued as negative, because I like it analysis of the declining creativity of Enthusiastic ska zine put out by kids around since the embryonic stages and I think it has potential. It’s just some major stars (Eminem, U2, in Compton. Yeah, it's totally sloppy of punk rock and is still as enthusi- that if you put a sticker on your REM), poetry, news… pretty much and doesn't stray far from the stan- astic about music as he ever was. bike that says “This Bike Is a anything you could want. And it’s all dard zine agenda, but there are a few Although his taste in music has Pipebomb,” park it in a pretty con- well written and cleanly laid out. things here that made it interesting. shifted from the extreme corners of spicuous place, and then find out Worth the $3.25. –Brian Mosher One thing: all the bands interviewed the underground to more lightweight that it’s been dismantled by the (Citizine, 2513 West Fourth St., L.A., or profiled (Los Skabrones, Las stuff, he writes about it with such cops… Dude, that’s not The Man CA 90057) Ultrasonicas and Rude Pleague) in fervor that, after reading his review Trying To Keep You Down. this issue are Hispanic, women, or of a Guided By Voices show, I felt Granted, it sucks, and I wouldn’t FLESH WAVE, #1, $3 or trade, 8 ½ kids under eighteen, or a combina- like he just witnessed Hüsker Dü wish that on my worst enemy, but x 11, photocopied, 20 pgs. tion thereof. That alone sets this zine annihilating an audience at a VFW come on. You have to admit it’s This one features lots of original apart. Say all you want about the hall in 1982 or something. And even kind of a bonehead move, right? drawings, an interesting interview undying power of white kids in tight though I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t Anyway, aside from that, there’s a with the Detroit hardcore band Bill pants screaming and gibbering about like the new Doves album, his lot of really cool, sloppy cartoons, Bondsmen, and a very entertaining their broken hearts; these folks are review almost makes me want to and I like Bike, but I think I’d love comic about a military science exper- playing ska, a genre of music that's pick it up. Hell, I never thought I’d it if it went a bit deeper than cop iment. Catering to the Detroit hard- been cashed-out commercially for care to read a Wilco interview, let stories. The split zine that he did core scene, there are lots of show fly- years, at backyard parties in an eco- alone enjoy it, but that’s The Big with List is much better. –Josh ers and a few reviews. It’s a little dif- nomically fucked locale, parties that Takeover for you. (Rabid also finds a (Daniel Shea, 1605 Park Ave #3, ficult to read because of the way the are routinely busted by cops, often- way to mention Void, the Effigies, Baltimore, MD 21217) words are laid out on the page, and times by force. If nothing else, I and the Circle Jerks over the course much of it isn’t worth the required admire this zine for the simple sin- cerity that exudes from it. This issue that. –Brian Mosher (Marc Parker, bogged down by trying to be pro- SKATE AND ANNOY, Vol. 2 No. also includes a few reviews, an L.A. 2000 NE 42 Ave #221, Portland, found and he never tries to be too lit- 2, $3, 5½ x 6½, 54 pgs. scene report/show listing, reprinted OR 97213) erary for his own good. Overall, it’s As you can probably tell by the title, articles, a story, and a letter from a just kind of like getting to know this is a skateboarding-related zine. prisoner. I mean, ska doesn't interest MEDIA WHORE, #5, someone during a long drive, pure The thing that makes it stand out, me a bit, and the writing and layout $2, 5½ x 8½, 32 pgs. and simple. –Josh (829 Main St, though, is that it’s put together by here is more than a little rough Generally focuses on feminism and Saskatoon, SK S7H 0K2 Canada) people who are really emotionally around the edges, but the earnest- the media's portrayal of women, invested in it. As with any subcul- ness and perseverance shines from what I gather. This issue PROFANE EXISTENCE, #47, ture, there’s the people on one level through here. If you like the genre specifically covers whether of not $5, 8½ x 11, 100 pgs. who have a passing interest in it and live in the area, hit these kids Riot Grrrl really is or is not a dead I’m stoked on P.E.’s new format: because it’s cool, and then there’s with a letter and a buck. –Keith movement, the advent of the website perfect-bound, full-color glossy the people with a deeper love for it. Rosson (Nick G. c/o Libros Revo, www.takebackthenews.com, vari- cover and offset printed. Higher A good analogy for punk rock would 312 W. 8th St., LA, CA 90014) ous zine and Ladyfest reviews and a price but higher quality. Really be Warped Tour versus basement pretty in-depth review of video clean layout and 90% of the photos shows, and Skate and Annoy is a JUNKET, #1, $3, games that positively portray are great. Interviews with Extinction perfect antidote to advertising-dri- 5½ x 8½, 36 pgs. women. It's a decent read, I suppose, of Mankind, Blown to Bits, Ballast, ven skateboarding mags that are I haven’t laughed this hard in a if a little static in presentation. At Spoke Pizza Collective, Avskum, marketed towards the people who looooooong time. It’s a bunch of times, the articles read like straight- Iskra and punk artist Kieran eat up the Tony Hawk video games. quick stories about stuff that’s hap- up journalism, with a severe lack of Plunkett—nice job on interviewing Even if you have no interest in skat- pened to the guy during his stint as a emphasis on the personality of the non-band punks. Also features a ing, this is still a great read because taxi driver, and it’s completely fuck- writer. A spiced-up layout, more Jilted/Beyond Description tour jour- it’s done by people who have been ing hysterical. From a bunch of personable writing, and not using nal, and a lengthy, well-written arti- skating since before Hollywood cokeheads who yell out “Taxi Driver that goddamn Courier font would cle regarding the current made another Dogtown movie and doesn’t give a fuck!” to Ted have helped. –Keith Rosson (Media Administration’s relation to the will still be skating when Gilbert Nugent’s assistant, it’s all here and Whore, 12 B Walcott St., Malden, Christian Right and why it’s doing Godfried is hosting the new you’ll be able to read the whole MA 02148) what it’s doing in regards to same- Dogtown movie at two in the morn- thing in twenty minutes. Can’t wait sex marriage. When I was a younger ing on the USA Network. –Josh for number two; it’s like Revenge of MY VIVID BLANKET, #3, $2 or kid, I’d pick up the occasional issue (3439 NE Sandy Blvd, PMB #666, the Lawn, but with punk rock and trade, 5½ x 8½, 32 pgs. of P.E. but felt fairly disconnected Portland, OR 97232) taxis! –Josh (Justin Cummings, PO This one’s something I can get into; from its area of focus, music-wise. Box 7183, Pittsburgh, PA 15213) My Vivid Blanket #3 is nothing more As it stands now, I still couldn’t give SNAKEPIT QUARTERLY, #11, than a standard, solid, quality zine, much of a shit about the bands they $2, 5½ x 8½, 36 pgs. KERBLOOM!, #51, 4 x 5½, letter- and I don’t mean that in a bad way at choose to cover, but between the rest Goddamn, what can I say about this pressed, 12 pgs. all. There’s nothing flashy about of the material here and the fairly one? Just about everyone reading Super-short essay written by a guy it—there’s no insane die-cut tri-fold newfound quality of the zine’s pre- Razorcake has probably read an who’s apparently part of the stenciled cover, there’s no spot- sentation, I’m backing this one for issue of Snakepit. And if you Slingshot Collective; the essay color slipsheets with cryptic illustra- sure. –Keith Rosson (Profane haven’t, check it out. The idea focuses on his difficulty differentiat- tions inserted anywhere, it’s just Existence, PO Box 8722, (three-panel comics for each day of ing anti-capitalist endeavors and some kid and his friends, an exacto Minneapolis, MN 55408) Ben’s life) is brilliant, it’s hilarious- projects with capitalist work- and knife, a gluestick, a copy machine ly executed, and the capper is that production-models. In other words, and a shitload of care. Considering PROOF I EXIST, #6, $1, 5½ x 8½, Ben just financially squeaks by, con- the trouble the collective had with how much crap is out there that’s photocopied, 32 pgs. sistently, by living his life. As in, he partaking in projects that have either haphazardly thrown together, Hand-written zine from a nice- works part time, plays in bands, inherently anti-capitalist intentions that looks and reads like shit, or is sounding kid named Billy. He talks tours, travels and does these and then trying to discern if they trying to pass itself off as “intellec- about his dog, how much his dad comics—the debauchery of his should stick to the work model of tual” when it’s really just obfuscated rips, spitting on jocks that gave him lifestyle nearly fucking pays for “supply and demand” for a certain and pretentious, it’s absolutely shit, spending the night on the street itself. I’m the same age as Ben and Slingshot project that’s gotten huge refreshing to just read a zine that so he gets a small taste of what the know that I just don’t have the same over the past couple of years—the isn’t attempting to be what it’s not. homeless experience every day. kind of stamina he does, which Slingshot pocket calendar. It is okay MVB #3 is subtitled “Table Nothing too earth-shattering; mostly makes the reading of these comics because the people involved are Manners,” i.e. it’s a collection of what you see is what you get. It all the more compelling. unpaid volunteers and profits go to writing by Corey and some friends wasn’t the most riveting read, but he Intellectual? Naw. That’s not, I don’t fund the paper? Is it not okay about their experiences in the food seems like he’d be a fun kid to hang think, the intent. Entertaining? Yes. because certain distributors are mar- industry: something that all of us out with. –Keith Rosson (Proof I Addictive? Sure. I’m a fan. Also: the keting the purchase of the calendar can probably relate to. Some of it’s Exist c/o Billy, 1357 W. Augusta #1, cover’s another Christy Road piece as a way to fight capitalism? He hilarious, some of it’s disturbing Chicago, IL 60622) that’s just frickin gorgeous. –Keith doesn’t come to any conclusions by (foodworker revenge stories always Rosson (Young Amercian Comics, the end of the zine, but I’ve rarely give me the shivers) but the thread RETURN OF MONKEYS IN 4409 Illinois St., San Diego, read such a short essay that’s been running through it all is that these THE SUN, THE, $4 or trade, 5½ x CA 92116) written with this much clarity. If the are intelligent kids who’ve taken the 8½, 52 pgs. intention here was to get the reader time to write their stories well. Like Emma writes a fun zine full of STATIONAERY, #4 and 5, $2.00 thinking, then this guy did great. I said, the care here is evident. Keep lengthy show, record, and movie each, 5½ x 8½, 24 pgs. –Keith Rosson (Artnoose, PO Box putting these out. They’ll only get reviews. There are profiles on John This is the sort of thing that makes 3525, Oakland, CA 94609) better. –Keith Rosson (Corey c/o Waters and Frida Kahlo, a travel doing these reviews worthwhile. My Vivid Blanket, PO Box 7880, diary of the time she and her Both of these issues are filled with LAZYBONES, #4, $1, Tampa, FL 33673) boyfriend spent in Mexico City and fascinating pieces of short fiction 5 ½ x 8 ½, 27 pgs. a nicely written memorial to John and poetry, along with intriguing— More diary than anything else, this OH NO! THE ROBOT, #6, $2 or a Peel. Nothing groundbreaking, but sometimes breathtaking—art work. is a well-written, often humorous mixtape trade, 5½ x 8½, 28 pgs. she’s positive and excited about Their contributors come from all look inside the life of a semi- This basically revolves around a guy everything she writes about. There’s over the world, and offer a wide employed aspiring writer in and his relationships with his room- a monkey on every page and the variety of viewpoints on life in the Portland, Oregon. He tells about mates, his band, and a girl that he cover is pasted over with cloth, col- 21st Century. They’re both so good I his attempt at a cleansing fast, his has a crush on. No, but it’s good. ored paper, and even strips of weird actually re-read them, in their entire- appearance on the local news pro- There’s noticeable similarities to green and black fake fur; you can ty. When was the last time you did gram, and his attempts at finding Cometbus, but one of those similari- tell what you’re getting here, just by that with a zine? –Brian Mosher odd-jobs by sticking flyers all over ties is that it’s easy to read and easy looking at it. –Keith Rosson (Stationaery, 4456 Avenue del the city, in which he says, “I’ll do to relate to. He talks about their (Emma, 34 Sydney St., Brighton, Hotel-de-ville, Montreal, Quebec anything legal for $7.05 an hour.” house and their jobs and their day- BN1 4EP, UK) H2W2H5, Canada) You’ve gotta love the honesty of to-day lives, but it never gets

105 TED, #1, 4 x 4, 24 pgs. UNDERGROUND SCREAMS, WONKA VISION, #27, ZISK, #10, $2, 5½ x 6½, 22 pgs. Ted is a cat. Ted is a bunch of pic- #2, free (but a donation might be $2.95, 8½ x 11, 90 pgs. I figure I’ve already run out of tures of Ted. Some are of Ted nap- nice), 4 x 5½, 28 pgs. Okay. I have no ideological prob- ways to creatively say, “Read ping, some are of Ted playing, DIY-spirited zine that consists lem with bands on major labels Zisk, it rules,” but there’s some- some are of Ted walking, and almost entirely of poetry and pho- (or bigger indie labels, for that thing I think I need to get off my some are of Ted just chilling out, tos. Their initial statement is that matter) or people that support chest. I never thought I’d say this, but it’s all Ted, all the time. “anything can be art” and that bands on major labels. I do, how- but there’s a little bit too much There’s no address, but I bet if they’ve put the zine out simply as ever, have a problem with people Clemens bashing in this issue. I you point your browser to a group of kids expressing their that support bands on major labels mean, yeah, I hate the guy, too. www.crap-aesthetic.com and do creativity. A quick read; hit ‘em waving the banner for indepen- Not only do I hate the guy, I hate some poking around, you might up if you want to read some dent music. Why put Jimmy Eat every team he’s ever played for find this and you might find a ton poems. –Keith Rosson (under- World, who have never put out a just by association. But you know, of other cool stuff. –Josh [email protected]) full-length album on an indepen- I read Zisk for a couple of quick ([email protected]) dent record label ever, on your jabs about what a poodle the guy VERBICIDE, #13, $3.95, cover under a banner that says, is and then I’m ready to move on. UNDERGROUND SCREAMS, 8 x 10 ½, glossy cover, “Your source for independent I don’t need to see his stupid face #2, free, donations accepted, bleached paper, 64 pgs. music and thoughts.” If Jimmy on every page (it’s actually only 4 x 5, 20 pgs. Jackson Ellis is putting together a Eat World thinks their place in the on one page, but it feels like every The product of a cooperative type stronger and stronger zine. The world is on a major label, fine, page); nobody needs to see that, outfit, wanting simply to share interviews are thorough, interest- and if you like Jimmy Eat World, not even Hitler. Here’s my think- their creativity with anyone who’s ing, and diverse (from Ian that’s fine too, but for the love of ing: maybe if we ignore him, he’ll interested, this comes packaged MacKaye, to Amy Schroeder, edi- Christ, since when is independent disappear like Freddy in the first inside a folded brown paper lunch tor of the feminist magazine music bankrolled by Capitol Nightmare on Elm Street movie. It bag. And it’s good stuff. Poetry Venus, to a graffiti artist, to Tim Records? I mean, I understand seems like the fact that he’s an old accompanied by original artwork, Kerr). Verbicide is to the point of that there comes a time when you asshole has actually helped his which consists of a variety of dif- that they do what they do so well, realize that you’d like to make a career, so maybe he gets stronger ferent media—sketches, photog- I may not be initially interested in little bit of money off of a maga- every time we make a joke about raphy, cartoon-style illustrations. a subject or a person, but how zine that you put a lot of hard him? I don’t know. All I know is There’s no real theme, but it all they approach them and interact work into, but there are ways to that the guy has been playing pro- has to do with disenfranchisement with them is engaging, memo- do that without having to put ads fessional baseball for the entire and disenchantment with the sta- rable, and well worth the time for the new Juliette Lewis and the duration of my life so far and I’m tus quo. Send these kids a couple spent reading. It’s a good mag by Licks album on the back cover, willing to try anything to make of bucks, or some stamps at least. an editor who’s fighting the good just like there are ways to be in a that stop. Read Zisk, it rules. –Brian Mosher (www.under- fight. –Todd band without having a video on –Josh (801 Eagles groundscreams.com) (www.scissorpress.com) MTV2 and playing shows at rock Ridge Rd, Brewster, venues. –Josh (PO Box 63680, NY 10509) Philadelphia, PA 19147) to employ any means necessary. There are no happy endings. In fact, none of the stories contain any real denouement. The reader is left with an imprint on their psyche, and free to draw their own conclusions, which are often more grisly and elaborate than any definitive words laid down by an author. I could not put down this book once I picked it up. I am not sure if it was because I was so enthralled by the imaginatively gruesome scenar- ios, or because of the realization that the sooner I stopped reading, the sooner I would be left with my thoughts, free to imagine each tale's conclusion. –Denise (Eraserhead Press, 205 NE Bryant, Portland, OR 97211, eraserheadpress.com)

Comics Journal, The, #267, $9.95, 204 pp. Wow, i think i used to cut up copies of this mag- azine in the ‘80s to make collages for my fanzine, except it used to be a little more... uh... geez... “nor- mal” back then. You know, it had staples in the mid- dle, and superheros on the cover, and black and white newsprint on the insides—kinda what you’d expect from a magazine about comic books. Somewhere, in the interceding years, The Comics Journal has become this sort of dry, scholarly, almost academic square-bound tome that has little more graphic gusto than a tech school course catalog. SAMPLE DIA- LOGUE: “...here is graphically the reason why most moderns cannot be brought to any penetrating or Alternative: 25 Poems the poet from convention. Alas, as Saretsky’s rupturing realizations about the culture that has them by Doug Saretsky, 27 pgs. work so succinctly points out regarding other in thralldom. ‘Postmodernism’ is a presumptuous Doug Saretsky, guitarist of Envenomed and areas of alternative thought, even free verse has academicist school of theorizing that assumed the publisher of Vile Dominion fanzine, has put become clichéd and banal, and I feel that too previous and arcane ‘death of modernity’ bestows together an often thought-provoking chap- often the ideas in these poems (and their power) some kind of privileged standpoint on their thinking. book of twenty-five poems that continue the are blunted by too many words finding their In actuality postmodernists are nothing but crypto- poetic underbelly tradition of Rimbaud, the way to the paper. Saretsky’s best poems in this modernists par excellence, selective and self-unre- Beats, and Bukowski, and as with those Bards volume are those in which he maintains more flective enforcers of the modern ideological impris- of the Margin, Saretsky makes good use of rigid control regarding the poetic image— onment: they are bourgeois intellectuals who imagine metaphor to create some particularly wrench- poems in which there is brevity and economy in they can intellectualize their way out of being bour- ing images. He is particularly effective when the imagery, so that it has a much keener impact geois.” ... uh... okay, so we won’t be discussing New he’s writing on topics such as the often ridicu- on the reader. Very often Saretsky’s final lines Avengers any time soon, i take it? I mean, geez, i’m lous and clichéd nature of what is supposedly to a poem are wonderful in this regard; in a few all for high thinking and such, but i tend to like my avant garde. One of the best qualities of short lines he will arrive at a brief yet powerful comic book related discourse a bit more lowbrow, i’m Saretsky’s work is his thoughtful rumination conclusion to all that has come before, but I’d afraid. I also tend to like my comic book related dis- on how we unwittingly create traps for our- like to see that powerful brevity throughout the course to not cost me ten bucks. Then again, i’m kind selves, be it a relationship, a job, needs and poem. –The Lord Kveldulfr (Black Hoody of a comic book dumbass who has read little else but wants, or even more general and inclusive Nation, 1970 Westwood Northern Blvd. #5, Marvel and DC superhero books for the last thirty- conceptions such as what constitutes the Cincinnati, OH 45225) five years, so consider the source. In any event, this “alternative” when defiance of conventional- issue is heavy on features on the recently departed ism becomes conventionalized itself, such as Angel Dust Apocalypse Will Eisner, which is cool... they actually devote the “garden variety punk rock shitheads” to by Jeremy Robert Johnson about forty straight pages to reprinting some of whom he refers in “Columbus Damn Poem.” This collection of short stories is not diffi- Eisner’s early work, but the fact that two big chunks This is not to say that the poet is divesting cult in the literary sense; it is difficult in the of said forty pages are given to “A Medal for himself from the underbelly and creating a shocking and nauseating visual image sense. Bowzer” and “The Sad Case of Waiting Room new underbelly beneath that one; at the same Angel Dust Apocalypse hits the reader in the Willie”—essentially pro-animal experimentation and time these poems convey a sense of pragma- guts and goes to work. anti-socialized medicine propaganda comics—kind tism regarding such traps and a begrudging The stories are void of heroes, and few of of seems like a poor choice of materials, if you ask acceptance of the limitations of originality. the characters possess any likable traits. The me. I’d write a letter of complaint, but i can’t spell Saretsky’s work senses the need to defy all true core of these tales seems to be the ideas, “bourgeois” without using spell-check, so i guess convention for its own sake, even the conven- and not the humans created to act them out. they’re off the hook. –Rev. Nørb (Fantagraphics tions of the “alternative,” but still acknowl- Within these pages, the dark underbelly of the Books, 7563 Lake City Way NE, Seattle WA 98115) edges that we must knowingly participate in human subconscious is captured: those things the same community that is to be defied, people think about but never mention, fearing For Workers’ Power: The Selected Writings of negotiating the thin lines between creative a breach of proper human etiquette. Maurice Brinton restlessness, comfort, and complacency. Johnson gives his readers extraordinarily by Maurice Brinton, edited by David Goodway, 380 pgs. The one problem that I have with Saretsky’s deep cuts out of a defining moment in the Holy shit, I am out of my league here. Where’s work is a matter of economy. His poems tend to lives of his characters. They find themselves Maddy Tight Pants? She actually knows what she’s have a rambling, conversational style that in situations that few have experienced, but talking about. She actually comprehends this stuff. freely uses enjambment over several lines. that many of us carry in the back of our She actually reads a paragraph like “...And stress that Admittedly, such unlimited application of free minds along with our deepest fears. They no collective autonomy is meaningful which does not verse is now quite the norm in the world of find themselves on bad trips, riddled with have organizational repercussions. Autonomous modern poetry, particularly among subcultures parasites, facing nuclear holocaust, surren- activity and life—whether in the realm of practice or and the lunatic fringe who make use of free dering to their own delusions, and craving in the realm of ideas—is impossible in hierarchically- verse for that very reason—a means of freeing attention so desperately that they are willing structured organizations. As Bookchin points out ‘the 108 tragedy of the socialist movement is that it reminds me a bit of Crumb stuff or those old opposes organization to spontaneity and tries to hippie comics, The Fabulous Furry Freak Bros. assimilate the social process to political and As far as the content: there’s the requisite col- organizational instrumentalism” and under- lections of skulls, punks with guitars, women stands it, probably fairly effortlessly, the first with monstrous boobs, rats, etc. He’s as consis- time she reads it. Not me. I feel that I am, at tent in his execution when he’s doing color stuff best, vastly unqualified to review this thing. It’s as he is when he’s just doing black and white a tome. It’s a gorgeous book, but it’s a tome: images, and that’s pretty amazing, considering 380-some pages, tight leading, ten-point type, there’s material here that dates back twenty-five footnotes galore. There is a lot of stuff here and years. Subsections of the book include “T-shirts frankly, by the time I finished Dave Goodway’s & Logos,” “Record Covers,” “Fanzine Covers introduction (seventeen pages in and of itself) & Illustrations,” and “Pin Ups”; the second half and footnotes, I was already overwhelmed. So, of the book is made up of his tattoo stuff, which the following consists of what I, a fucking dolt I found to be less interesting, if only because the when it comes to even the basest tenets of tats and sketches he included are less of a cul- socialism and/or libertarianism (which is what tural and historical landmark of a lifestyle and the majority of this book covers), could cull and type of music that I love, and more of just a decipher from For Workers’Power. series of images. Plus, his tattoo work, while 1) Members of libertarian/ socialist/ anarchist solid, is made up of stuff like hearts, flowers, groups in 1960s Britain disbanded, splintered, dragons, tigers; stuff that doesn’t really interest reformed, and switched teams more than me. Dischord bands did back in1988. This thing’s self-financed and limited to 2) Though not entirely, the majority of this 1,200 copies—the love and care is totally evi- book actually consists of Maurice Brinton’s dent. Hopefully he’ll find good distribution for creative translations of Cornelius Castoriades’s the book, sell out, and eventually even be able writings in French for Solidarity, a magazine/ to reprint it. Someone who’s been working this pamphlet outlet/ activist group with which tirelessly for this long, I think, should have Brinton was involved with for years. something like this—some kind of testament, 3) Brinton is at his best when he manages to some gathered collection of his output. My only merge political theory with personal experi- complaints, and they’re minor, is that some of ence—his diary entries from both the Belgian the backgrounds of some of the images have so General Strike of 1960 and yeah, his two much Photoshopped alterations and coloring weeks spent in Paris in May of 1968 are prime that it detracts from the actual image itself. And examples—when he writes like this, Brinton secondly, this guy has been around forever—I is able to build a body out of a working skele- would have loved to have had at least a minor ton of political theory and the flesh-and- amount of information accompanying the blood, I-was-there quality of eyewitness testi- images, beyond “Single Cover” or “A Quite mony, something that’s practically necessary Popular T-Shirt Design.” But again, minor com- if you want to keep the attention of a reader plaints; the book’s beautiful and Januar’s with my less-than-working knowledge of worked long and hard on the material in here; socialism and/or libertarianism. he deserves all the praise he’ll undoubtedly get 4) As a whole, I admire AK Press—as an from this. –Keith Rosson (ZCM Records/Road anarchist publishing house it’s seemingly inde- To Ruin Europe, Josef & Shelley Loderer, Am fatigable, one that’s done an incredible amount Kesselhuas 9, 79576 Weil am Rhein, Germany, to resuscitate and reprint old (but still valid and www.zcmrecords.com) important) texts and collections and make them available to a new readership. At the same time, Rocket to Riyadh: Tales from the Terror Age like many of their titles, I wouldn’t suggest this By Jason Galore one for the layperson just getting into the I’ve seen how long the Razorcake book topic—at times Brinton’s writing is incredibly reviews get, and how long they normally are, stiff, and there are internal references to so and although I quite enjoyed Galore’s writing many other texts and authors (the majority of style I’m not so sure I can fill up that much them dating back to the ‘60s or earlier) that it’s space talking about it. The book is divided into easy to become overwhelmed. Still, I’d imagine four parts. The first part, entitled “The that those with a working knowledge of social- Machine Does No Good, It’s Gotta Go,” is a ism and libertarianism, and those familiar with wonderful story that is totally Sean Carswell Brinton and his output, would be thrilled to meets Hunter S. Thompson set against a back- have so much of his previously-out-of-print drop of post 9-11 United States’ politics and work collected into one book. –Keith Rosson day-to-day life. The rest of the book reads like (AK Press, 674-A 23rd Street, Oakland, CA a blog or journal that purposely melts prose 94612-1163) and poetry, fiction and non-fiction. To tell you the truth, I’ve never really kept a journal, I’ve Orlando’s Punk Rock Flashback never REALLY had a blog, and I’ve never & Tattoo Art Book been addicted to reading them, so the rest of Compiled by Orlando Januar, 128 pgs. the book kind of lost my interest. If Galore had Orlando Januar is the guy who’s published kept the book going as he had started it by fol- the Swiss fanzine Artcore for about a billion lowing the story with similar short stories or years. This book, like the title states, compiles by continuing the web of a plot he had begun, tons of his tattoo flash, as well as everything this book might have become a quick favorite. from old shirt and poster designs to record cov- –Mr. Z (Jason Galore is Famous, LLC, 24500 ers and even Christmas cards he’s drawn. It’s Galena Ave., Belle Plaine, MN 56011) obviously a labor of love; tons of work went into the visual presentation of the material here. Januar’s style, if not his content, is pretty tradi- tional; it’s solid, mostly brush-drawn stuff that Blank the World: DVD I remember them ever being. They look great Signs of the impending apocalypse: 1) When and, more importantly, they sound great, which punk-oriented groups and their releases shy is saying quite a bit considering their “prime” away from profanity. In this case, there seems was more than twenty years ago. While it to be an aversion to the word “fuck” in the always feels like a burn when a band sticks titling of this disc. If you’re fucking afraid to solely to their tried and true “hits” rather than use the fucking word, don’t even fucking expending the effort to come up with new allude to it, as you just fucking look like a music, in the case of X it seems to be a better bunch of fucking half-stepping sellout fucks. idea to do things this way, as anything they’ve And don’t think the irony of so-called “punk” done from Ain’t Love Grand to the present has DVD makers being averse to the word “fuck” been, um, not too hot. One need do nothing while happily including a promo for another of more than play “Sex and Dying in High their DVDs featuring dumb so-called “punk Society” and “Burning House of Love” back to chicks” showing off their tits and scumbag or Not. They pretty much cover all of the back to see how bad things truly got. Here they rock stars cooing and bragging about fucking bases—aliens, serial killers, ghosts, vampires, run through twenty-one tracks of some of their said chicks is lost on the viewer—ain’t no hes- monsters, all that kinda stuff. Each episode is finest work, from the opener, “Your Phone’s itation to exploit the drunk and the stupid, but narrated documentary style, a la Unsolved Off the Hook (but You’re Not)” to the closing god forbid you should threaten sales by includ- Mysteries, but pretty low-budget, giving it the cover of the Doors’ “Soul Kitchen,” and while ing a profane word in the title. 2) When an feel of a local news broadcast. My guess is that it would’ve been nice to hear renditions of “I international collection of fifteen bands yields these episodes were all shot together to use as Must Not Think Bad Thoughts” or rarities like a grand total of one good song from one band, a TV series, and it never got picked up, but “Heater” or “Delta 88,” the tunes they do serve and that band is the Blind Pigs, while the other they figured they might as will put it on a up are done so well that you don’t miss what fourteen sound like they’re content to phone in DVD, since they went to the trouble to make it they didn’t do. Watching this reminded me of watered down approximations of pop and anyway. It’s fun, and it’s about as good as any- why I dug ’em so long ago: not only were their “street” punk. Seeing as in a lot of the countries thing else on TV. –Ben Snakepit (Crescent songs intelligent and intellectual without com- represented, sporting a mohawk is tantamount Entertainment, no address) ing off as pretentious, they fucking rocked, and to open rebellion against the government and, they still fucking rock. That, my friends, is therefore, punishable by death, one can’t help Toxic Narcotic: Live in Boston: DVD what is most important, and that is what pisses but wonder if this is a collection of govern- You gotta love Toxic Narcotic’s dedication to me off most about Ms. Cervenka throwing her ment-approved faux punk bands. Given the the ’core. After nearly sixteen years, they con- ego around: if you rock, the world knows it, influx of “Christian punk” bands in recent tinue to be active in the punk scene, both local- and Exene can rest assured that their place in years, it ain’t all that far outta the realm of pos- ly and internationally. Even if I haven’t adored the punk pantheon is quite secure. Take a cue sibility. 3) When your average coffee house every single release that their Rodent Popsicle from your band mates and humbly let others folksinger is more of a threat to the status quo label has put out, I freely concede that their hit toot your horn for you. –Jimmy Alvarado than the average “overground” punk band, and vs. miss ratio is extraordinarily high, and this (www.shoutfactory.com) these bands are only too happy to demonstrate DVD easily falls under the “hit” column. this fact. 4) When a DVD this bad, this Recorded live at a show celebrating their fif- wretched, this utterly lacking in any sort of teenth anniversary, all the stops were pulled quality or interest is not only made, but actual- and they cranked out one fine document of this ly has a market. 5) That it is only one of thou- band at their finest, with multiple cameras, 5.1 sands of bad, bad “punk” DVDs being market- surround sound, a spirited performance and ed out there. This DVD is soooo beyond being some wild ass fans going bonkers. You get labeled as shit. This is stuff that even shit does- twenty-two songs here, with most of their hits n’t want to be associated with. Let’s just hope represented (although “Beer in the Shower” is that when the apocalypse does start revving up, noticeably and annoyingly absent), plus a cou- the people responsible for this are on the front ple of bonus videos and some footage of their line, sans weapons. –Jimmy Alvarado fans waiting to get in. While it could be argued (www.intermediavideo.com) that few hardcore bands deserve such a fuss these days, there is no question that Toxic Climb off Ease up and Suck Down: DVD Narcotic is one of those bands. –Jimmy Wow, great bands and little skits in a DVD— Alvarado (Rodent Popsicle, PO Box 1143, and it’s rad. Recess Records buddies, so loads Allston, MA 02134) of stuff in San Pedro, and bands that sort of run in that circle. Craig Flipy put it all together X: Live in Los Angeles: DVD from tons of videotape of dicking around and Outside of saying that Exene’s embarrassingly bands playing live and hanging out. A wonder- clumsy attempts at self-promotion and secur- ful antithesis to Live at House of Rules arena ing her place in the punk rock hall of fame have shows—this is live footage in record stores, effectively killed the mountains of respect I bite-sized clubs, warehouses, fucking bed- once had for her, I will try to limit my com- rooms and a concrete slab at the beach. With ments to those of an X fan, which I have con- the stage exception of the great Dillinger sidered myself for more than two decades. Four… but yeah, coz it’s them… duh. Loads While I won’t go so far as to say that they are and loads and choads of the best current bands the be-all and end-all of Los Angeles punk, as like Toys That Kill, Leeches, Fleshies and I think no band can possibly embody an entire Shark Pants and more, mixed with rare stuff scene, I will say that they are one of many that like Panty Raid and the late, lamented Blacks molded how L.A. punk was regarded. Being a (AZ). And the skits… usually it’s only funny if fervent follower of the punk rock religion, I you know them. I stand corrected. Two hours have partaken many, many times of the Los of funnin. Get it before Bigfoot does. Angeles/Wild Gift/Under the Big Black –Speedway Randy (Recess Records, PO Box Sun/More Fun in the New World communion 1666, San Pedro, CA 90733-1666) wafers and continue to do so regularly. Needless to say, this was well worth the time it Tales of the Unexplained: DVD took to watch it. Everything about the produc- It seems like this is a collection of four tion is just great, from the camera editing to the episodes from a failed TV Show, sort of along sound, the latter of which was handled by Billy the lines of In Search Of or Ripley’s Believe it Zoom himself. The band is in as fine a form as