PO Box 42129, Los Angeles, CA 90042 #16 www.razorcake.com

got up around 10am, after four hours of sleep. Someone falling After some Mexican food, and beer with fruit in it, Replay down the stairs woke me up. I skirted bodies littered in the front Dave, the really bendable bassist for Grabass Charlestons – who room and went for a glass of water. There was a small beer lake nights before, had landed into “a bed of the meanest cacti West II Texas has ever sprouted” then was arrested – chatted with me while on the kitchen floor. I grabbed the belt loops of the passed-out guy on the floor and scooched him out of the puddle. Wouldn't want I made some coffee. him to die in a quarter inch of beer. It was unfathomable that people “You forgot to ask some questions last night that were on your were still awake. I'd lasted until 6am. Some of the guys in the bands list,” he told me. The beer had gotten the better of my interviewing were shirtless, in the parking lot, and waving to the kids going to acumen. “Yeah, what'd I forget?” I asked. school. The bands I dig most tend to see touring as a vacation. “I never lived under an underpass. I lived under stairs until I I'll admit. I was a bit worried, until the sixth or seventh beer, got out of debt.” I'd found out that Dave, in a financial bind, that inviting thirteen plus people – Tiltwheel, The Tim Version, buckled down. He stopped as much spending as he could. Reduced Billy Reese Peters, the Grabass Charlestons, their pals, and two his life possessions to what most people have in a broom closet, and dogs – into my two bedroom apartment was a bad idea. The saved his money until not only was he free and clear, but had a little downstairs neighbors want my head already and have complained saved. After I learned that, I admired Dave even more. I like stealth that we “walk too heavily.” That's what I was thinking – I'm fucked responsible people. – as I was swept up the broken beer bottles, the cigartette butts, the That night, when the bands were charging like super troopers mistakenly discarded customized beer cozies. I am fucked, but in a through the fog of deep hangovers and the choppy seas of nausea, good way. playing with tons of heart, it hit me pretty hard. If steam can't be blown, what's the point of it all? I didn't check This is why we do Razorcake. Bands like these. This is why bank statements at the door, but I have a feeling that everyone that we hang on by our fingernails, save all our dimes, and scream along night was dirt poor, but, man, were they happy, hootin' and in print. There are folks out there who aren't just amazing musicians hollerin'. and great people, but friends in waiting and good times to be had. After I dropped the Tim Version off at the airport for their It'd be a crying shame if we just puttered along like a golf cart on a flight to Japan, after the aforementioned guy who could have groomed, pre-planned course of life instead of lighting the fuse of a drowned in the kitchen leapt up, put on my rubber kitchen gloves, new firecracker and holding it as long as possible to keep the explosion close. then proceeded to stick them deep down the back of the pants of PJ, –Todd who didn't move when rubber was inserted and playful fingers dug deep. AD DEADLINE FOR ADVERTISING STIPULATIONS ISSUE #17 • All ads are black and white. October 1st, 2003 • Make ads the right size and orientation. AD DEADLINE FOR ISSUE #18 • We don’t reserve ad space. December 1st, 2003 • Send good laser prints for the ads. Use solely black ink on all art. Do not output your ad on a EMAIL OR MAIL US bubble jet printer even if it looks black and FOR THE RATES AND DETAILS white. • All photos must be halftoned using a 85 LPI AD SIZES (85 line screen). • Full page, 7.5” wide, 10” tall. • If we need to invoice you, we won’t run your • Half page, 7.5” wide, 5” tall. ad until we have the cash on hand, so make • Quarter page, 3.75” wide, 5” tall. those arrangements before the ad deadline. • Sixth page, 2.5” wide, 5” tall. • So on, so forth. Yep. • Please make all checks out to Razorcake.

Sean Razorcake and razorcake.com are given Todd feathers in their caps, not black eyes, by: Rich Mackin Sean Carswell, Todd Taylor, Nardwuar Designated Dale Megan Pants, Felizon Vidad, Rhythm Chicken Skinny Dan and ktspin

Razorcake is distributed by Big Top Newstand Services, 2729 Mission St., Ste.201, SF, CA 94110, [email protected] This issue is dedicated to the memory of Todd Agajanian, Matt, Jeremy, and Adam of The Exploding Hearts, Wesley Willis, and Derek and Fred of the Zero Tolerance Mr. Aaron Lay of Billy Reese Peters. Task Force. May they all rest in peace. (Pushing fluids after a 20-hour bender.) Thank you list: High-flying digitizing action thanks to Julia Smut for her cover help and her Tim Kerr interview. Gigantic ear thanks to Tim’s wife Beth for snapping some shots. Tear-filled thanks to Petite Paquet for the Exploding Hearts memorial and Chrystaei Branchaw for her pictures. Don’t even think of fucking with the kids thanks to Trey Bundy for his Protect PAC piece. Demons in a halo thanks to Rob Ruelas for the Rich Mackin column illustration. Useless and Modern thanks to Lisa Connolly for her FM Knives pictures. “Someone kick and find out if she's dead” thanks to Rick Bain for his Smogtown shots. Symmetrical chest hair thanks to Randy Iwata for wrangling Nardwuar’s interview. My legs don’t work, so I must keep drinking thanks to the 10AM Too Drunk to Stop Party Crew. Cop Boat. It’s all invisible to me thanks to Glenn Byron for constant vigilance with the website. We’ve stopped pretending it’s fun thanks to Yesenia, Dale, Stacy, Ayn, Kat, and Donut Head for helping us stuff the inserts. High-ho, it’s naked people thanks to Jason Willis for his video review. It’s one of them things with words in it thanks to Greg Barbera for his zine reviews. Hot wings thanks to Not Josh for his zine and record reviews. Bring on the hate mail thanks to Cuss, Eric Rife, Wanda Spragg, Mike Beer, Puckett, and Sarah Stierch for their record reviews. www.razorcake.com *• PO Box 42129, Los Angeles, CA 90042 Table of Contents Issue #16, October/November 2003 “I was thinking of the words to say. Words that are gonna make you stay. Words I never said to you. Everyone knows that I still love you. Somehow it shows. I can’t get over you.” –From an unreleased Exploding Hearts demo The Rhythm Chicken ...... The Dinghole Reports ...... pg. 4 Art ...... Shizzville!! ...... pg. 7 Designated Dale ...... I’m Against It ...... pg. 8 Ayn Imperato...... 90803 ...... pg. 10 Felizon Vidad ...... Shark Bait ...... pg. 12 Rich Mackin ...... The Twisted Balloon ...... pg. 16 Sean Carswell ...... A Monkey to Ride the Dog ...... pg. 18 Gary Hornberger ...... Squeeze My Horn ...... pg. 24 Nardwuar The Human Serviette ..... Who Are You? ...... pg. 26 Maddy ...... Shiftless When Idle...... pg. 30 Rev. Nørb ...... Love, Nørb ...... pg. 32 Money ...... Lazy Mick ...... pg. 38 Seth Swaaley...... Swinging Door Conversations ...... pg. 42

The Exploding Hearts...... ***** Memorial by Petite Paquet ...... pg. 46 The TimVersion ...... Interview by Sean Carswell ...... pg. 48 The Soviettes ...... Interview by Todd Taylor ...... pg. 54 Protect PAC ...... Article by Trey Bundy ...... pg. 60 Tim Kerr ...... Interview by Julia Smut ...... pg. 64 FM Knives ...... Interview by Rev Nørb ...... pg. 70 Boyskout ...... Interview by Kat Jetson ...... pg. 76 Dan Monick Photo Page ...... Lawnchairs and Abandoned Pools ...... pg. 79 ***** Record Reviews ...... Your Gramma in an "Assmaster" video ...... pg. 80 Zine Reviews ... Recommended, Especially If You Suck at Laser Tag ..... pg. 106 Book Reviews ...... The Loneliness of Noam Chomsky ...... pg. 110 Video Review...... I Hear Casey from D.I. Gets a Blowjob ...... pg. 111 Razorcake is bi-monthly. Issues are $3.00 ppd. in the US. Yearly subscriptions (six issues) are $15.00 bulk rate or $21.00 first class mail. Plus you get some free shit. These prices are only valid for people who live in the US and are not in prison. Issues and subs are more for everyone else (because we have to pay more in postage). Write us and we’ll give you a price. Prisoners may receive free single issues of Razorcake solely via Left Bank Books, 92 Pike St., Seattle, WA 98101, who have a book-for-prisoners program. Want to distribute Razorcake in the United States? The minimum order is five issues. You have to prepay. For $7.50, you’ll receive five copies of the same issue, sent to you when we do our mailout to all of our distros, big and small. Email for all the details. "They are lost in the canyons and the caverns of Frohburg. We are the CIA of drunk people!”

The Dinghole Reports beer, and being men! Of course, we honored. It was yet another mile- needed quick Germanizing to accli- By the Rhythm Chicken had to ask about if there’s a stone in this rooster’s life, playing mate to Frohburg’s thick German (Commentary by Francis Funyuns) “Women’s Day.” The Chancellor before the happy drunken men of beauty. Once in town, we acquired [Edited by Dr. Sicnarf] would calmly reply, “No, just rural Saxony. It was all too good a substitute Chickenkit and joined Men’s Day,” as if a Women’s Day to be true. Now, ROOSTERS The Chancellor’s family and Ladies and gentlemen, and boys were a ridiculous suggestion! To us AND HENS, UND HERREN friends at the Mannertag Eve barbe- and girls! Presenting Little Jerry dopey Pabst-inhaling Wisconsin UND FRAUEN, PRESENTING... cue. They had just finished prepar- and the Monotones! Hey everyone! males, this sounded like a day in A NEW DINGHOLE ing the men’s trailer for the follow- Sorry about that. I couldn’t control heaven! REPORT!!!! ing day. I stared in genuine awe of myself. I’m just too the absolute brilliance. excited about flying There stood a trailer set solo again, a free chick- to hold about twenty en! It seems as if men, decorated with Francis and Sicnarf branches and leaves, to have yet to repair their look like a beer garden ham radio, therefore on wheels, with little forfeiting their right to cartoon bratwurst and participate in these here beer bottles painted on ramblings. It’s all the sides, all being Chicken, all the time! pulled by an antique Pure poultry, baby! I German tractor. One of realize my reports have the men began playing been somewhat lacking an accordion as every- as of late, but I’m pre- one sang along to old pared to make up for it German folk songs and all. I finally have some the beer began to flow. It fresh new ruckus to was like a dream. share, and ruckus on a Seeing as how the grand scale, I must say! men were preparing I can whet your their livers for the appetite for the long upcoming day of days, lost flavor of glistening and seeing as how I newborn ruckus with haven’t been NEAR a two huge little words, drumset for over six MEN’S DAY! months, I felt a little About five years Mannertag Eve ruckus ago, I first met my good wouldn’t hurt. The friend The Chancellor. Chancellor, the Hen, and The Chancellor is from I snuck out to the car and the quaint little town of quietly set up the drums Frohburg, Germany, in the former Every year, The Chancellor Dinghole Report #31: in the road. I pulled on the GDR’s Saxony region. He ended up would try to get us to fly out to his Mannertag, a Day of Men, Chickenhead for the first time since working a summer at the same corner of the world for the great- Beer, and Ruckus! Milwaukee’s Cactus Club in Wisconsin resort as myself, and est day of all days, Mannertag. It (Rhythm Chicken sightings November. The rhythms were a bit instantly befriended my Pabst-guz- always seemed just one continent #… oh I’m losing track, whatever) rusty, but soon that fine Saxon pil- zling friends and me. For five years too far to travel, for our financial sner kicked in and the gears of now he’s been telling us about the means. Well, this year I find TWO WORDS: MAN- ruckus whirred again like a fine greatest event ever fathomable, myself living in Krakow, Poland, NERTAG! Ooops, I mean MEN’S tuned wood-chipper! The barbecue Mannertag. Mannertag is German just a mere nine or ten-hour train DAY! My feathers were quivering party jamboree erupted in cheers, for “Men’s Day.” He explained ride away from Frohburg. I could in sheer blissful anticipation as The hollers, and joyous laughter. It had Mannertag to an initially unbeliev- finally make the long awaited pil- Chancellor’s car whisked the Hen been a year and a half since ing crowd. Basically, on this day in grimage to the most glorious of all and I along the autobahn from Germany had witnessed my ruckus, his small rural area of Saxony, celebrations, MEN’S DAY! Not Dresden towards Frohburg. He was but it all came back to them. everyone gets the day off. All the only was I to be the first American blaring Heino on his stereo and Rockin’ along to rhythm ruckus is men gather in groups and spend the to witness this royal event, but singing along word for word. I like riding a bike, a souped-up day traveling from beer garden to they wanted the RHYTHM would sing along for the chorus, monster bike with no brakes! beer garden in strange transports CHICKEN to supply an American “HEIDI, HEIDO, HEIDA! AHA- Mannertag was mere hours away. I drinking beer, eating bratwurst, soundtrack for their day of hops HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!” After was ready. drinking beer, singing, drinking and barley! I couldn’t be more our five months in Poland, we On the morning of Mannertag, I bid the Hen farewell as she joined wearing flowers and German folk something to yell about, it’s ruckus down through the shallow stream! the Frohburg ladies to Leipzig. The hats. The grounds were full with at ground zero! How do I GET The singing grew louder. Freshly ladies take advantage of Men’s Day HUNDREDS of men, all drinking, these gigs?!! opened bottles were handed to go off on their own to the big city cheering, laughing, drinking, and At this point I wondered how around. Little shot bottles were get- and do “lady stuff.” Perms? just being men! Every time a new the Milwaukee Brewers were ting knocked back here and there. I Shopping? Manicures? Who trailer would show up, all the horns doing. I wondered how their new was rubbing shoulders with men knows? As The Chancellor and I would begin honking and everyone Rally Rabbit was doing. I figured named Dietmar, Jurgen, Werner, walked across Frohburg at 10am, I cheered. It was like Pulaski Polka that Mannertag was a much larger Otto, Rheinhold, and The could feel the tremors start. We Days, the Kewaunee Trout Festival, crowd than the Brewers can draw Chancellor! I wondered what the started seeing groups of men going Milwaukee’s South Shore Frolics, these days. I’m quite positive that ladies were doing, but not for too about by trailer, bike, or by foot. and Sheboygan Bratwurst Days all Miller Park, being the stadium for a long. I was handed another beer. Many men were dressed up in one rolled into one huge festival, but it team called the “Brewers” in a city The next stop was the Burg celebratory way or another. Some was ALL MEN! nicknamed Brewtown, USA, Gnadstein. After playing this exact men had dress-shirts with bow ties It was time. The Chancellor couldn’t possibly sell more beer in place last year, I felt comfortable and top hats. Some men had Al and I scouted out a fine spot for one day than Frohburg on with the venue, it being a castle. Bundy “No Ma’ams” shirts. Some rhythm ruckus and hauled the Mannertag. I thought about how The trailer slowed to a halt in the had leder-hosen. It was as if all the Chickenkit into the crowds of much trouble it would cause if they parking lot below and the men males of Frohburg found a Happy merry drinkers. Up on a deck in the tried having a MEN ONLY day for marched up to the beer and Schnapps Combo album and adopt- beer garden, I sat behind my set and even one game. Under the bratwurst stand. Many other trailers ed their dress code as the norm. I pulled on the Chickenhead. A few Chickenhead my beak smiled a lit- were on display as some men could soon smell the first winds of men noticed and curiosity mount- tle more and I rocked harder. walked around appreciating each beer and bratwurst as the small ed. I raised my wings and was I whirled the crowd up a few other’s transports. The Chancellor local beer gardens and pubs started about to go into the opening drum more times under that hot summer and I hauled the Chikenkit up to the If you think about it, a huge crowd of drunken German men with a Rhythm Chicken in the middle giving them something to yell about, it’s ruckus at ground zero! overcrowding with men, men, roll when a roll of firecrackers sun, and started thinking about my castle courtyard, to the same stage MEN! started going off behind me. I own ruckus juice. I was ready for that hosted my ruckus last time! We started at the Schutzenhaus, thought this to be a perfect intro so more beer. I got up as if the show This time, however, was different. Frohburg’s rifle club. The parking I waited, drumsticks high in the air. was done, but they kept egging me Instead of a handful of men and lot was transformed into a large Of course, it had to be one of those on for more. Giving in, I supplied women, the courtyard had about outdoor beer joint. We started soak- ONE THOUSAND FIRECRACK- one more round of my soundtrack one hundred beer drinking men. ing up the Radeburger, once the ER ROLLS, and the things contin- for chaos. This time when I was That’s right, ALL MEN… but wait. royal brew of King Johann! I ued going off for no less than done there were a few beers handed While setting up my set I noticed a noticed how many men were also EIGHT OR TEN MINUTES!!! My to me! Accepting their gratitude, I new song being sung, and this time knocking back numerous tiny bot- wings grew tired as I held my pose. joined the mass of drinking man- they were all singing it with more tles of those “shot sized” boozes. More and more men turned to see hood. Beer followed bratwurst fol- heartfelt emotion than ever before. Everywhere we went the ground what the motionless Chicken lowed beer followed bratwurst, and “Was woll’n denn die weiber became more and more littered behind the drums was all about so on. More and more men contin- heir?!!” they sang, and all directed with those tiny empty bottles. with his wings to the sky. ued showing up and the horns towards the middle of the crowd. Many men showed up on bikes that After what seemed like a small wailed, and the beer flowed. After Then I saw them, there in the mid- were decorated in various out- eternity, the fireworks ended and I five years of hearing about this dle of all the men, TWO landish ways. The Chancellor told unleashed my thunder. Hundreds of mythical event, there I was at WOMEN!!!! Eeeeeeeeek! As it me how sometimes the bikers end male heads turned and gathered Men’s Day in complete awe, but it turns out, the song translates to up eating pavement quite hard, so around to witness this new addition had only begun. “What the hell are the ladies doing he never bikes on Men’s Day. I also to the festivities. I sweated out a After a good hour of beer, here!” The women blushed and saw a few guys with souped-up good dose of rhythms as my ears brats, and men, I was told it was dashed out as the song continued walking sticks, complete with flopped around recklessly. I gave it time to move on. This time we were for a few more rounds. Their infil- horns and beercan holders! Then my all and raised my wings again welcomed onto the trailer! About tration had failed and the crowd of the antique tractor pulled into the to the sky. There was a roar unlike twenty of us circled around the old drunken men was pure again! lot with a trailer full of singing any other. Hundreds of drinking tractor, beers in hand, while the dri- I set up my kit on the stage and men! Horns wailed, men yelled, German men raised their beers and ver heated up the old engine. He pulled on the Chickenhead. The and the real beering began. For the said, “HURRAAAAAAAY!!!” I removed the steering wheel col- opening drumroll echoed like thun- first time that day I stood back and rocked out a few more rhythms and umn, inserted it into the side of the der in the stone castle’s courtyard. appreciated the true traditional age- halted again in my triumphant engine and gave it a hardy lurch. By pure instinct the men raised old ruckus I had been invited to. It pose. The cheers grew. I lowered The old one-piston spat out, their beers and gave a joyous bel- was beautiful. my head and pounded a few thuds “PUTT! PUTT! PUTT! PUTT!” low. My return to the Burg After three or four on the skins, then pointed to the left and it was running. The men Gnadstein was met with drunken Radeburgers, we walked across side of the crowd. They yelled. I cheered again as the driver put the applause as the Chicken ears town again to the next meeting repeated the blasts and called upon steering wheel back where it flapped to the beat. I pulled the point, the Jagerhaus. This is where the right side. They yelled. THUD belonged. The men started filing same stint calling upon opposing things really got swinging. There THUD THUD! (left side) onto the trailer and each one was sides of the crowd. They totally were dozens of trailers parked in YAAAAAAAAAAY! THUD handed a freshly opened bottle of caught on as the right and left side the field nearby; each gussied up THUD THUD! (right side) beer. Then the singing began and tried outdoing each other, louder like bizarre floats in a drunkard’s YAAAAAAAAAY! I repeated this the tractor and trailer began its ride. and louder. I felt like the ringmaster town parade. There were hundreds little charade, speeding it up each Just picture twenty-some men rid- of some “Tastes great! Less fill- of wild looking bikes leaning up time, until I was pounding out ing a beer garden on wheels, drink- ing!” debate in a land where Miller against anything out of the way. another set of chicken rhythms and ing and singing across rural Lite isn’t good enough to wash toi- There were a few trailers pulled by their cheers blurred into one big Saxony. It was madness. It was per- lets with. I pounded out a few more teams of horses, with the drivers riotous yell-fest! If you think about fect! We rode through woods and doses of my Wisconsin beer-beats wearing top hats and bowties. One it, a huge crowd of drunken over fields. At one point we were and stood to take a bow. Once of my favorites was a small car- German men with a Rhythm nearing a small bridge when the again, they demanded more. My riage being pulled by two donkeys Chicken in the middle giving them driver pulled us off the road and throat was getting dry 5 so I quickly rolled out a barrel of chicken-ruckus and falling-over- knees, leaning way back, playing an audience. Growing bored with the encore ruckus and then turned my drunk-pants-wetting-couldn’t- air guitar solo. By the way he was wool-chase, we went back to the attention back to the Radeburger. drum-to-save-my-life-ruckus. The squinting his eyes and gritting his “trail” and more rousing choruses After returning to our group of men, ruckus grew wild and sloppy. teeth, I knew he meant it! Feeling of Heino. After a few kilometers of I remembered the Rhythm Chicken Lucky for me, the crowd had the heat of the moment, I joined the wilderness, we abandoned the creek buttons in my bag. I handed them been drinking all day. They roared. rural German legion of air guitarists and were staggering through farm out to all the men on our trailer and A small group of Kohren punks and headbanged my way through fields on a very roundabout path to they proudly wore them for the rest were right up front yelling their “Back in Black” and Otto’s. It had gotten dark when we of the day like some sort of team hearts out. With my wild drunken “Thunderstruck.” It was Men’s Day finally found the Burg Gnadstein jersey or club pin. head-flailing chicken rock, my and I was a man! I approached the and reset our internal compasses. After a few more beers the men Chickenhead bounced around until DJ and requested some Heino, but About thirty more refrains of all boarded the trailer and new beers it was on backwards. Seeing as how he just rolled his eyes so I went “HEIDI – HEIDO – HEIDA!” and were dispensed to all. This trip took I usually can’t see a damn thing back to the Chancellor and the we were singing up Otto’s drive- much longer. While we were tra- through it anyway, this didn’t hin- Kohren punks. way. versing a few miles of farm fields der my show one bit. In my condi- At some point we decided it It turned out that we were hours the driver stopped so we could all tion, a head-spinning Rhythm was a good time to find our way to late for the barbecue and the ladies, take a piss break in the middle of Chicken was exciting and new. I Otto’s back in Frohburg for some back from Leipzig, were worried nowhere. Climbing back aboard, toyed around with it, split the crowd delicious yet sobering barbecue. about the Chancellor and I (mostly new beers were handed out. The into two opposing yelling Being in completely foreign territo- The Chancellor’s mother and the trailer rolled on and the men sang squadrons again, and then gave in to ry, I let The Chancellor lead. It was Hen). The other men from the trail- more drinking songs. During an the god of chaos. Feeling the gal- about five km away, but the way we er were there and continued beering extended break between songs I felt till the bitter end. From what the obligated to contribute what I could Hen told me, Otto was dancing and started singing “HEIDI – around in his own Chickenhead HEIDO – HEIDA!” The others (???), playing the snare drum with joined in and beers were hoisted as his hand, and guarding his Rhythm the rolling beer garden neared its Chicken button with his life. The next destination. The trailer was Chancellor’s father, Dietmar, and parked among many others near the his friend had a primitive grasp on Lindenfuhrwerk, a resort of some English, but I heard their skills sort on a beautiful lake. I got the improved drastically with more Chicken gig out of the way first. Radeburger! After a few drunken From the large wooden deck on the versions of “Oh My Darling, lake, I rained audio ruckus upon the Clementine,” they assured the Hen new mass of drinking men. The that we were alright by fluently say- later the day went on, the drunker ing, “They are lost in the canyons the men became, the sloppier (bet- and the caverns of Frohburg. We are ter) my rhythms were, and the loud- the CIA of drunk people! We will er they all cheered. While waiting in find them DEAD OR ALIVE!” And line for another beer, some guy so this gloriously new Dinghole asked me in broken English if I Report comes to a close. liked Pearl Jam or Creed or Limp The next afternoon I was nurs- Korn-nut or something like that. I ing my hangover in The raised my voice and proudly Chancellor’s rumpus room watch- replied, “Nein! Ich leibe Heino!” ing CNN when I saw something all He then told me I was dumb, so I too familiar. They were showing the started singing the chorus to “Die beautifully manicured courtyard of Schwarz Barbara” until he walked Krakow’s Wawel Castle, just a short away. Soon, some guys were skin- I also saw a few guys with souped-up walking sticks, walk from our post-commie shit- ny-dipping in the lake, scaring away complete with horns and beercan holders! hole apartment. Then they showed the swans. George W. Bush and the wifey there Later, our team of drinkers filed lons of Radeburger building up were staggering it would end up shaking hands with Poland’s presi- onto the trailer and habitually hand- inside me, I ignored all barriers to being more like ten or twelve. We dent and his wifey. A line of ed out new beers for the ride. Yet social decency and let it all go. The found ourselves in the woods fol- Poland’s soldiers were at attention again, I rode along with the caravan spirit of true ruckus threw my body lowing some creek when I thought and the media photographers were of drinking singing Frohburgers, around into a few strange contor- that music would make us march snapping shots like crazy. It seems completely awed at my surround- tions before I was thrown to the better. With all my lung power, I as if Bush was thanking the people ings. The Chancellor and I were ground. Only those in attendance bellowed “HEIDI – HEIDO – of Poland for sending two hundred both a good decade or two younger can truly attest to my “drumming in HEIDA!” and The Chancellor troops to Iraq. It made me feel a lit- than the rest of the team, but they all tongues”, but they probably don’t joined in. He must’ve sang some tle dirty seeing him in OUR castle. drank us under the trailer! By that remember it all too well either. All I twenty verses with me always join- Well, better there than Men’s Day. beer’s end, we had rolled into remember is one of the local punks ing in for the chorus, as we blindly Boy, did we choose the right time to Kohren, the town that hosted the helped me up and thrust a reviving followed this creek in the woods. It leave town. first ever European Rhythm beer into my wing. grew dark as we stumbled upon a Nest time, unless Francis and Chicken gig two Februarys ago. The trailer was moving on back small field where some hundred the Doctor are back on the airwaves There was a huge gathering of men to Frohburg for a barbecue at fenced-in sheep were staring at us with their interrupting drivel, I’ll and beer stands in a town park area. Otto’s. The Chancellor insisted that in terror. It only seemed right to tell you all how a pheasant saw me We set up the Chickenkit in an open we could stay for more Radeburger sneak inside and chase them around naked and answer that old question, grassy area nearby. As I rolled out and walk home later. I staggered with our cameras for awhile. The “Why did the birds have a seance?” the opening roll and raised my into a large party tent where inside I herd would ebb and flow away from Until then, cluck Gary Coleman and wings, a curious yet anxious crowd found a DJ playing song after song us and we could never get close. all the hooshwash for which he formed a circle around me and the by AC/DC. There was a dance floor Their constant “Bah! Bah! Bah-ah- stands! cheering began. As I broke into my with about ten longhaired middle- ah! BAH! BAH!” made us double all-out ruckus rock, I felt myself tip- aged German metalheads playing over in laughter. If only my –The Rhythm Chicken toeing around that line between air guitar. Once again, I stared in Chickenkit were with us, I could’ve [email protected] 6 quality-drunken- disbelief. One guy was down on his played some ruckus for this new www.rhythmchicken.com

, I’mI’mI’m AgainstAgainstAgainst ItItIt

“So don’t be sad ‘cause I’ll be there / Don’t be sad at all” “Life’s a Gas” from the Ramones’ 1995 Adios Amigos! LP. Written by Joey Ramone. I know his birth name was tennis rackets for Todd and Chris to asserted himself with his personal turn him on to new bands or past Bryan Todd Agajanian, but I’ve jump around and pose with. As far beliefs or whatever was on the table ones that he never got into. But always known and called him Todd as we were concerned, KISS was in of discussion (or argument). I with that, everyone around him got my whole life (unless you count the the house with the three of us idiots mean, we’d be sitting around, hav- to listen to him sing for the next times we called him “Aggie,” a doing our best impressions with our ing a pretty serious, in-depth talk two weeks or so when something nickname he was shortly given makeshift instruments and mimick- that would turn into the subject of really struck his fancy. I would get while we were kids). Incidentally, ing along to whatever KISS record Del Taco, of all things. But we’d a kick every time he would change the Todd I’m about to speak of here was spinning full blast on the almost always be talking about the lyrics to a song and then I’d isn’t the Todd a lot of you know as stereo. I’m also sure that Todd’s food on any given day, as I’m sure start rattling his cage by saying an editor here at Razorcake. That’s Mom (Dora) and his two brothers Todd’s wife Jenny can attest to, something like, “Todd, that’s not Retodd. Back in 1977-78, when my (Mark and Steve) remember the right Jenny? Todd would then go on how it goes, man.” To this he’d friend Chris Vonovich and I were time Todd was pretending to be his tangent: “Dude, two red burri- reply, “Duude, I’m doing the sharing the same second grade class AC/DC’s Angus Young with a ten- tos, with extra cheese, ‘cause I singing over here,” with the imagi- in elementary school, in strolls this nis racket out on their front porch. wanna taste the cheese in there! nary mic in his hand. I’d keep bad- new kid who we pretty much knew During his “lead guitar break,” Straight up fat!” Then I’d pipe up, gering him: “But that’s not the was going to be our good friend Todd ended up taking out the front “Don’t forget the mild sauce,” and words, Todd.” Of course, he would from the get-go. Todd always had glass window while he was trying Todd would say what he’d always start noticing that I was out to push that vibe about him – you could to swat a bumble bee away with his say at the end of any conversation his buttons, as usual. So it would instantly tell he was not only a cool “guitar.” Whoops. that ended with his overwhelming end with Todd looking straight guy, but a genuinely good guy. I Always a big fan of sports, agreement: “That’s right!” I always ahead, index finger poised, and think another reason we knew that Todd was fortunate enough to be on saw that remark as a little piece of snapping back with, “Listen – this Todd was gonna be tight with us the same Little League team with Todd’s overall passion of life he is the way it’s sung now and you’re was that we quickly learned that he Chris almost every year, with Chris had inside him. And anyone who gonna like it!” and we’d both start was just as much a dedicated KISS on the mound pitching and Todd had the pleasure of having Todd in laughing immediately like a couple fan as us. After hanging out with behind the plate playing catcher. their life or simply meeting him of morons. I miss that so much Todd on that first day, we realized That was fun watching them could tell he had a truckload of it in already. how goofy he was, like Chris and together out on the field, as well as that big heart of his. As far as music and going to me – possessing the same sense of watching them practice and goad- Sometimes on Saturday morn- gigs, some of the best times I can humor and making jokes at whatev- ing each other in our neighbor- ing, Todd and Chris would be on remember are Todd, Chris, and er cost – not to say he couldn’t be hoods. Sports usually didn’t lead the phone with each other, and it myself completely cutting loose at the utmost serious when he wanted into heated debates with Todd, as usually ended up being the same, the now-gone Bogart’s in Long to be. long as you showed respect for any- loud political discussion they’d Beach. There was The Adolescents His demeanor back then was thing related with UCLA and the always have. After hanging up, show, the first time the original very, very much the same as it was Los Angeles Dodgers. I always Chris’ wife Kara would ask, “Why line-up had played together in up to this year. No matter what loved pushing his buttons when it do you and Todd always get into years, and the place became a tor- Todd was going through or dealing came to the subject of the Bruins, that same conversation? All you do nado of fans as soon as the vocals with at the time, you could almost asking obviously irritating ques- is end up yelling!” The funny thing from “No Way” kicked in. Another guarantee on seeing that smiling tions as to why UCLA was doing was, Todd and Chris were both in time of ruckus was the Big Drill face along with his trademark posi- this or doing that. And he knew complete agreement with each Car show happening there, right tive and (very much) headstrong what I was up to. It’d usually be other, just doing it very loudly than before they took off to Europe on attitude glowing wherever he went something like: “Hey, Todd, what most people do. Again, that pas- their “Batch” tour. Packed to the or whoever he was around. And was up with your Bruins last night, sionate quality Todd had in his soul rafters, the stage became a launch that characteristic thriving within man?” Todd, with his hand gestures – he could bring it out in people, pad for fans leaping out into the Todd was a key factor as he battled getting in gear, would start up: maintaining mutual respect all the audience like sugar-charged flying his complications with leukemia he “Daaale, don’t even start!” And I’d time while doing so. As he was squirrels. I’m very fortunate to acquired the last two years, right up continue pushing those buttons: with all things in his life, he either have a video copy of this show, as to his passing on July 28, 2003 at “Yeah, Todd, but, uh…” And Todd loved something or had little to say Todd and Chris were amongst that the age of thirty-two, fighting it all would start getting even more about it. He’d talk for over an hour squadron of flying squirrels you with both fists up the entire time. edgy: “Duuude, don’t even go with you about something he was can catch quick glimpses of during Todd, Chris, and I had some there!” Watching Todd react was really into, yet if it was something the band’s set. very memorable times growing up too much fun – always with the ani- that he didn’t care either way about, His sharing anything he had to as kids together. There was the mated hand gestures, and whatever he’d usually say something like, offer was another one of Todd’s always-fun (and loud) setting up of topic we’d be poking each other “Yeah, it’s all right,” and that was shining qualities. I remember how an impromptu stage at whoever’s about, it would almost always end it. There was next to no gray area he’d split his last piece of bubble house we happened to be playing at in the classic (palm out) “Stop it!” with Todd. gum with me in grade school that particular day, complete with or the frequently used “Zip it!” Discussing music was always (which was funny how’d he run household items slapped together Being the passionate, emotion- cool with him because not only was out, because Todd was the known for my drums, and al guy he was, I loved the way Todd he a big fan, but I liked that I could gum connection, always gnawing 8 on at least a pack or more at one Monterey with his family, Todd rebar engineering alongside Chris Anthony, Marcus, and Valerie. time on any given notice). There’d was more than happy to be near the as a union ironworker with the Todd loved Jenny and his children be times we’d be together eating ocean and sandy shoreline. I Local 416. Later on, they both more than I could ever describe in and if there was one of us in the remember one summer, quite a became certified for structural words. He was always looking out group not eating anything, there’d while back, Chris was awarded a work and ended up working their for all of them, no matter what his be Todd walking up to you with a pretty hefty work settlement. What way up to journeymen status with situation. And I know Jenny loved donut he just tore in half or a cook- happens? Both he and Todd the Local 433. Todd always took Todd with just as much heart and ie he just broke into two pieces. He dragged up from their ironwork pride in that he was both a union devotion. You could see it every was always doing that no matter jobs at the time and proceeded to ironworker and that he always did time they were together. I use to how hungry he was, for as long as I blow the whole settlement surfing his work to the best of his abilities. laugh when Todd would get all knew him. Always thinking of oth- all summer long and living like But he had another goal set in his uppity in his living room some- ers, with whatever he had in his kings. Chris told me that, now in sights and that was to become a times. He’d walk back in to sit possession to share. That was just retrospect, he’s glad he was able to firefighter. The spare time he had down in his recliner, look around, Todd, God bless ‘em. do that with Todd. I’m glad, too, was spent with his nose in a book and start talking real loud: “All One of Todd’s absolute favorite because every time Todd talked studying and also reading up on right, who took the remote control? places to be was the beach. about the many surfing jaunts he’d whatever he could get his hands on JEN?” And Jenny would pretend to ignore him while changing the channels, telling him, “You need to zip it.” Of course, Todd would start to get miffed, so I would chime in with what Todd would often say when someone started to whine – I’d make the “sad face” and say “Oooh… baby want his remote? Wee- wee-wee-wee-wee!” Not liking the taste of his own medicine, Todd would look over at me with that smirk on his face and say, “Dale, don’t even start!” It seems there was always that kind of messing around going on between Todd and me, each of us always ready to be set up for some kind of joke. I loved that. And I miss it, too. Since the morning I learned of Todd’s passing, my heart has been that much emptier and I keep filling it with past memo- ries of him, like things we did and enjoyed together. Things we laughed endlessly about together. And the hours and hours of just sitting and talking with each other. I’m truly going to miss all of that with him, and just the thought of that hurts so badly. But knowing Todd, he wouldn’t want anyone to be feeling the slightest bit down, especially if he knew it was because of him. Todd was all about good times and the many, many memories of him will live on to prove just that. Anywhere there’s laughter, you can be sure he’s right there chuckling along. It’s actually a real good thing that each of us have our own special memories of Todd to fill our hearts when they are feeling a little empty. Lord knows I’ve been going over a whole lot of mine every single day this past week. I’m really going to miss him. I know we all will. You can finally tell your homeboy Bob Marley how much Uprising and Bodyboarding and surfing kept had over the years, he’d always that would be to his advantage Legend meant to you, Todd… we Todd in continuous waves of high- look at me with that big grin of his while waiting for his turn to enter love you. er-than-usual spirits on surf trips, and say that the summer he and the fire academy. from here in Southern California all Chris dragged up together was one Around that time, Todd met I’m Against It the way down through Mexico. of the best summers of his life. Jenny, who ended up being Todd’s –Designated Dale Whether it was camping on a beach Speaking of ironwork, around wife and mother of his three beau- [email protected] or vacationing up north in 1990, Todd started his work in tiful (and always entertaining) kids: 90803

Ayn Imperato The punk stud you meet at the bar at midnight can show up with a mullet-hawk and man-dals at dawn.

LA Giirll LA Worlld moving boxes, renting a trailer, try- ing to keep my cat alive in the crazy heat of the car while I stepped out It happens to everyone, some- for a minute to fuel up or get some time – the break up. When it feels water. The whole event was fraught like a nuclear explosion has been with tiny annoyances. The first performed on your chest, or your thing that happened in my first heart is carved into two sections week of being single was that I and each half squoozen on an elec- couldn’t open this jar of salsa I tric juicer. And what better place to bought. It doesn’t sound like a big go for pure and total heartbreak deal, but it was the start of a chain than LA, when the scene of your of foiled events. I tried every trick: life unfolds like a cardboard movie banging the side, running hot water prop that fell over in the distance. on the seal, tapping the bottom – I never thought forever could nothing. That freaking lid wouldn’t end, but it did. I thought surely it budge. I ate my chips dry. Why did- was longer then five or six years. n’t I just buy another or ask a neigh- We never did get married – we did- bor to help? It was just the “princi- n’t need that little piece of paper or palities” of it. To buy another jar those rules or those figures on a would be to give up. I kept trying to cake to symbolize our love. We had open it every day until my wrist made a bigger show of commitment hurt and I couldn’t do it anymore. I – a shared record collection. I sold just put it back in the cupboard. my duplicate copies of everything Everything else in life seemed because what was the point of hav- to mirror that unopened jar, sitting ing two of the same 7 inch or CD stubbornly on the shelf. Nearly when you could trade it in for everything broke after my relation- something that neither of you had. ship did – my computer crashed, That way you could build some- then my stereo, TV, mirror and thing bigger and better together. even comical. Suddenly your jar is “Crazy Rick.” It was the sixth phone all broke within the first Ayn Imperato Separating that record collec- wide open and free. tequila shot that caused you to miss three weeks. The front door lock tion before I left was like cutting an I caught a glimpse of a bar the wildly waving red flags, like the got stuck, cat got sick and the last onion into a hundred tiny strips – where singles go to mate. “I heart bitches” patch on his jacket paycheck from my job in San the air pure poison. To lose your Personally, I’d rather strap myself or when he mentioned he was in Francisco bounced, leaving me lover and your favorite records at to a side of vibrating beef than pick anger management classes. Thanks, with a lot less money than I was the same time is just too much for up some stranger in some bar. Not but I’ll take my figurative side of counting on. anyone. It was too much for us. I that it’s not totally hot to have wild, shimmering beef. It was all about that unopened wonder if I’ll ever be capable of random sex – but that those experi- To drink too much at any bar jar. Sometimes, it seems, the lid is sharing records with someone like ences can and do come back to might be to subject yourself to The so damn tight that you can’t move that again. haunt you. Seriously. The punk stud Bottom Feeder – the guy who trolls forward. It was like trying to get a Right before I left for LA, a girl you meet at the bar at midnight can the bar at the end of a show near job in this town. Every day I’d call, in a bar told me a little something show up with a mullet-hawk and closing time while the club employ- email or fax something or other, yet that seemed to fit just right and man-dals at dawn, possibly pound- ees are sweeping the floor, trying the phone stayed silent. It seemed I would turn out to have a strange ing on your door in front of the for that last ditch hook up. Mr. was over- or underqualified for significance. She said, “A relation- whole neighborhood. Then you find Feeder preys upon drunk rock and every last job in town. So after ship is like a jar full of wine. You out later that he plays in some roll girls and the judgment impaired working at it all day, I took my low think you find a lid with just the hideous emo band, and every time – the girl who slammed a few Jack rider beach cruiser and rode it along right fit. I mean it seems to be so you see him around you forever and cokes, just broke up with her the ocean to try to make sense of tight and perfect, even when you have to say to yourself: I slept with boyfriend and is stumbling to the everything and ride out life’s daily shake it around a bit. Then you put that man. door, might hand a wayward phone frustrations. I seriously wondered if it in your backpack and when it gets Or that seemingly well-adjust- number to this Bottom Feeding I was going to make it at all. turned upside down – liquid every- ed rock and roll boy you hooked up chap. He knows his greatest Living by the beach is such a where.” with starts to call you obsessively chances lie in alcohol consumption drastic change from living in the Being single after a long stretch every hour for days after the mixed with the tragedies of love middle of the city, so cool and of time in couple-town is like land- encounter, tacking an insanity refer- and life. relaxing for a change. Riding my ing in a foreign country – all at once ence to his name when he leaves it I can’t say it was easy to move bike, I can pump out all that old city disorienting and strange, yet inter- on your voice mail for the tenth to SoCal, but I’m still glad I did. It angst with every pedal and leave 10 esting, liberating and time like, “Psycho Louie” or took a ton of planning, packing, everything behind with each mile traveled. I guess it’s sort of like the big deal is – but to a city girl, surfing in a way, in that there’s a it’s a novelty. I think the last time rhythm to it that matches the I saw stars in San Francisco was in ocean. If I were any good at surf- the planetarium. There’s so much ing I’d do that instead. However, fog, so many tall buildings and so I’ve had some unpleasant encoun- many lights on at night, you can’t ters with nasty waves in the past, see them. You forget they’re there. involving lost bathing suits and The last few years before I moved, truckloads of sand in not very fun I just looked straight ahead and places. For people like me, it’s lived day by day. During that time, best to just ride on land. a friend sent me a quote by old Despite all the difficult, daily school writer Oscar Wilde: “We fights to get here, it’s cool to live are all in the gutter, but some of us in a new town. People in Long are looking at the stars.” Now I Beach are eerily friendly, and I think I know what he meant. was lucky enough to find this cool By the end of the month, I place right across the street from miraculously got two job offers in the ocean. One strange thing I one day. I finally opened the jar – noticed: there are an unusual num- the lid released with a satisfying ber of giant, beige, paper maché pop – and I had my chips with donuts looming along the city beautiful sweet hot salsa. Hasta la streets down here. It’s like some vista to frustration, waiting and secret, sugary cult we don’t know pain. Suddenly everything seemed about. Somewhere down beneath possible. It felt okay and even free the LA sewer is the Donut Lord, to be on my own – I didn’t need to residing over all that is fat-fried rush out and find the “I heart dough and glazed, breakfast bitches” guy, who would be a foods. I’ve decided when you see stand-in for something real. I did- one of these round, holed icons – n’t need that ill-fitting lid to a jar it’s best to just keep driving. either. I had some new friends, my And then there are the stars. I low rider beach cruiser and, first noticed them early one morning as thing in the morning, the ocean to I walked home after a long night myself, slowly washing away the out. I can just look up and there heartbreak. Despite that stubborn they are. Maybe most people who little jar, it’s gonna be all right. read this won’t understand what –Ayn Imperato Shark Bait

Felizon Vidad

It never fails to excite me when I find out that, like me, someone else collects something – the more outrageous and different, the better.

“Here’s how Felizon’s mind works: Dolls, remember those! Don’t they work with a light- ly converted into a Blythe addict and who dolls, dolls. Dolls, dolls, dolls.” –her husband bulb?” We got into a conversation about toys understands the call of the Sirens) sympathized from our childhood. Jason Willis got into it, too, with my plight. After I told her that I was broke When Todd, Sean, and I were in the initial telling me about toys he collected and other peo- and longing for more Blythes, Pat came to the stages of planning the publication of Punch and ple he’d stayed with on tour who had cool col- rescue. She came up with a plan for both of us to Pie, we all agreed that we’d ask Dan Monick if lections. It was very thrilling to talk to people earn pocket money for dolls and possibly obtain he’d be willing to contribute some of his pho- who understood the fun of collecting and who that elusive vintage Kenner. The plan involved tography. Dan is an incredibly talented photog- didn’t treat me like I was retarded for being thir- eBay and thrifting: we would sell Pat’s child- rapher, and you’ve probably already seen his ty years old and still having toys in my home hood toys on the internet and scour all antique work on the cover of MRR or Razorcake or the with no child as an excuse. By the next morning, malls and thrift stores in the Tri-City area. If latest Dillinger Four album. He very kindly these guys were my new best friends. They were there was a 1972 Kenner Blythe to be found in agreed to let us pick out photos from his welcome to come stay in my house any time, all of Southern California, it could possibly be archives, and so, a couple of weeks before we even if I had to give up my own bed for them. hidden under a heap of dusty stuffed animals in sent Punch and Pie to the printer, Sean and I a broken-down baby crib tucked away in the went over to Dan’s house to look at what he had. After the Knockout Pills finished their tour bowels of a San Bernardino thrift store. You just The minute I stepped into the living room, I and returned to Tucson, Jason kept in touch with had to go look for it. instantly recognized a fellow collector. What Sean and one day sent him a link to a website caught my eye was all the different forms of that featured cool old toys from the sixties and When Pat was a little girl, she amassed a Jesus Christ that Dan collected. There was even seventies. His email read something like this: fairly large doll collection, including fashion the Jesus Christ Action Figure, complete with “Here’s something I thought Felizon might be dolls and baby dolls, international dolls and poseable arms and gliding rollers on the bottom interested in. And after having been to your regional dolls. Doll clothes, doll shoes, doll fur- of his feet to simulate walking on water. I had home and seeing her collections, I know you niture, and doll accessories. Vintage Barbie and the same plastic figure at home; I liked to pose can’t thank me enough. You’re welcome.” Midge, Ginny, Jill, Baby Dear, and Terri Lee;

Felizon Vidad my Blythe dolls around it as if Jesus Christ was I wrote back to Jason and sent him a picture brand names like Mattel, Vogue, and Madame surrounded by a harem. of my newest growing collection: the Blythe Alexander. Even after she’d outgrown them, Pat Don’t get me wrong; Dan is not a religious dolls. didn’t part with her collection. Instead, she care- fanatic. I’m pretty sure he is more interested in Forget everything else that I’d collected in fully packed them away and placed the boxes in Jesus Christ as a symbol and what he represents, the past; those were just infatuations. Yes, I’m storage. Wrapped in layers of tissue paper, the but I didn’t want to probe Dan’s reasons for col- still very fond of the Sea Wees and the Friends dolls waited a few decades before finally being lecting. After all, we were there to look at pic- of the Feather and the Power Puff Girls and the aired out, sold on eBay these past few weeks, tures for Punch and Pie and to choose a specif- witch dolls and all, but the Blythes... Well, this and shipped off to other homes where their new ic photo for the book cover. So I just enjoyed is real love. The changing eye colors, the differ- owners waited excitedly, having paid a hundred looking at the stuff displayed on the walls and ent expressions on their faces when you look at (or more) dollars for some of them. shelves, happy to know that I’d discovered them from different angles – there’s soul and So far, the highest bid we’ve received for a another person who collected items based on a allure to these little girls that make Barbie and doll has been a hundred and thirty-five dollars. specific theme. the Bratz seem like, well, inanimate plastic The doll was made of plastic, probably stood It never fails to excite me when I find out things. about six inches tall and, though cute, hardly that, like me, someone else collects something – Right now, I only collect the reproduction looked like a valuable antique. But obviously the more outrageous and different, the better. It’s Blythes made by Takara in Japan. What with the somebody wanted it badly enough to fork over an instant bond. And you earn a million brown- prices of the original 1972 Kenner Blythe dolls the same amount of money that it took to replace ie points and my loyalty forever if you come skyrocketing on eBay and topping the value of the two bald back tires on my Honda. over to my house and ooh and aah at my own my own ’91 Honda, there’s really no way that I Currently, I’ve sold three dolls for a hundred collections. Several months ago, the Knockout can acquire a Kenner any time soon. Hell, what bucks apiece, some more in the hundred-twenty Pills were on tour and played in Los Angeles. with me being unemployed this summer and range, and a few others at sixty, eighty, ninety After the show, they were going to come over barely having enough in savings to cover my dollars each. And that’s just for the dolls alone. and spend the night in our home. As they were existing bills, I shouldn’t even be thinking about It’s pretty amusing to see what some people will unloading their van and right before Sean purchasing any of Takara’s upcoming releases. pay for individual pieces of doll clothing. This brought them upstairs, I was madly scrambling But, in much the same way that Sean looks for- past week, I listed a pink frilly slip tagged through the apartment, trying to make sure that ward to the next time Tiltwheel puts out an “Shirley Temple by Ideal.” I remember when I hadn’t left any incriminating pieces of uncool, album because he knows it’s going to be good, I Pat handed it over to me to sell; she did it in an un-punk, girly artifacts lying around. Of course, know (despite my financial limitations) that I offhand manner and said, “Here, you could try I couldn’t hide everything, and the Holly Hobbie want the next Takara Blythe doll. With that basic selling this old doll slip. I never had a Shirley Sewing Machine along with the Barbie Bake head mold and the four changing eyes, you can’t Temple doll, so I must have traded a dress or With Me Oven were right there on the shelf in go wrong. something for it.” I started the bidding at three plain view. That night, as we were all hanging Here is where support from a fellow collec- dollars. The winning bidder paid twenty-three. out and chatting, Travis noticed the easy bake tor becomes crucial and helpful to the collecting It’s amazing when you think about how 12 oven and remarked, “Hey, I lifestyle. My friend Pat (who I have successful- physically small some of this stuff is, and how they’re worth huge amounts to some people. ended up pointing to some small doll that I was In the week that followed, my theme was But maybe it’s not that much different when you sure would cost very little, my cousin bought it vintage Ginny. After that, it was the Flagg dolls. think about, say, what a serious Ramones mem- for me, and I lived to regret that decision until I Then I tried to mix things up a bit by throwing orabilia collector will shell out for an authentic grew up to become a well-adjusted adult and in some nearly vintage non-doll items, like a receipt for Johnny Ramone’s first guitar (or how discovered eBay. Now I own the original Sea couple of clutch purses from the eighties, high an unnamed Razorcake contributor was Wees Mommy and Baby sets (all four hair col- designed to look like rolled-up fashion maga- willing to bid for it). Not so long ago, a doll col- ors), the Fancy Sea Wees and Babies, the zines. Several years ago, Pat picked them up for lector in Pennsylvania sent me seventy-three TropiGals and Babies (complete with all four a dollar in a thrift store. Last year, Sarah Jessica dollars for a lot of small doll shoes, socks, and hula skirts!), the IcyGals and Babies (AND Parker revitalized the trend when her character underwear. merpets!), and the Beauty Shell Carrying Case. on Sex and the City toted a magazine purse in Speaking of underwear: Another time, I ran But I don’t own any of the rare Bubble Ballet one of the episodes. Thanks partly to SJP, Pat an auction for a Ginny doll and several pieces of Sea Wees. Nah, I’m not getting sucked into col- and I profited seventy-four dollars from a cou- clothing. The dresses and underwear in that lot lecting those. ple of fifty-cent bags. didn’t all belong to the doll. One of the pieces I’m not that obsessive. After you list an auction, sitting back and was a pair of small bloomer-style undershorts watching it take off can be pretty fun, especial- that had been randomly thrown into the box in Okay, I admit: in much the same way that a ly when you check the final bid history and dis- which the doll had been stored. Pat fished it out, fervent record collector meticulously arranges cover that two people were duking it out to the looked at it quizzically, and said, “What should his albums according to category or alphabeti- bitter end. But you can never tell how much a I do with this?” I took it from her, gave it the cal order, I sort my Blythe doll clothes, shoes, doll’s final price will be. Sometimes, you’ll once-over, and said, “Let’s add it to this pile handbags, and hair accessories in separate plas- think that a doll is a sure-fire winner (ahem, like with the doll.” The bloomers sort of matched tic bins. It is that same need for order and clas- a vintage flocked-hair Ken – the original model, the doll’s sweet, old-fashioned style. Anyway, I sification that compels me to list my eBay auc- complete with the hard-to-find Campus figured that having the additional clothes would tions according to theme. The first week that I Corduroy outfit), and he’ll go for a week with ensure that someone would want to win the auc- started selling Pat’s stuff online, I stuck to vin- not even one person placing a bid or showing tion. I guessed wrong. The bidding stagnated at tage Barbie items: Ponytail Barbie (final price: the slightest interest. Other times, a doll with a around fifty dollars, and no one met the reserve $76), Bubblecut Midge (final price: $122), and hundred-dollar reserve will sit for days with price. The next day, after the auction ended, I poor old Ken (final price: zero). people half-heartedly bidding five, ten, twenty received an email from one of the bidders. She wrote that she bid on the auction only because she was interested in the bloomer underpants, the ones with the embroidered stars. She said Felizon Vidad she already owned the matching undershirt; she’d been trying to find the underpants to match. It wasn’t a Ginny doll item anyway, and would I be willing to sell it to her outside of eBay for fifteen dollars? Her check arrived within a week, along with a self-addressed stamped envelope and a small plastic baggie in which she wanted the doll panties to be sealed and protected. It was the easiest tax-free fifteen bucks that I’d earned this summer.

While some people might not understand the collector mentality (including the need to reunite a star-embroidered doll undershirt with its original mate), I identify with the compul- sion all too well. For some toy and doll collec- tors, the need to collect comes from a desire to relive the fond memories of their youth. For others (myself included), a lot of it has to do with making up for not having fond memories of their youth. I remember being eight years old and want- ing desperately to own a Sea Wee mermaid mommy and baby. I’d seen the commercials that featured a little girl in the bathtub, swirling a lily pad sponge in the water and giving little Sea Wees rides, and I wanted that too, even though in our traditional (old-fashioned and patriarchal) Filipino household, soaking in dirty bathwater and playing in the tub was unheard of. Then, that summer, my mother’s nephew, a doctor, came to visit, and one day he took us shopping. My little brother and I were gener- ously told to pick whatever toy we wanted, and there were the Sea Wees! But did I get them? Noooooo-ooooooo. Because of the way I’d been raised, because I’d cowered in submission for so many things I’d done that I’d been told were stupid and worthless and deserved a beat- ing – because I had no self-esteem whatsoever, it had become ingrained in me at that point in my life that to pick the toy I really wanted would be rude, greedy, and disrespectful. I dollars (as if the reserve would be that low), and the exact date and time the listing closes. Pat and I have been selling her vintage dolls, just when you’re cursing the bastards for failing Obsessive? Compulsive? Guilty on both toys, and random stuff on eBay, we’ve made a you, someone comes in at three seconds before counts. To those who don’t understand the col- profit of over twelve hundred dollars. Split two the auction’s close and startles you with a win- lector’s mentality, I’m sure I seem a bit touched ways, it’s not a bad haul. Considering that we ning bid, courtesy of Sniper.com. Like Pat says, in the head. In need of help, even. But if you haven’t yet uncovered a 1972 Kenner Blythe in it’s about as predictable as the horse races: you have ever been at a flea market or record store any of our thrift store expeditions, the six hun- can never count on who’s going to win, because and picked up a vinyl recording of an album dred bucks that I’ve earned could get me closer there’s always the possibility of the unexpected that you knew you already had on CD but still to The Dream. Provided, of course, that I horse racing up last-minute to beat everyone at had to purchase because vinyl is so much cool- haven’t already spent it on more of the Takara the finish line. er, or if you own more than one pressing of a Blythe reproductions. Having been on the buying end of eBay particular seven-inch, like, oh, say, Minor –Felizon transactions myself, I’m familiar with that Threat, and you make people wash their hands Felizon Vidad

But if you have ever been at a flea market or record store and picked up a vinyl recording of an album that you knew you already had on CD but still had to purchase because vinyl is so much cooler... then you have to admit that you know where I’m coming from. stealth approach of waiting until the last minute before handling it, then you have to admit that to bid on an item. There’s nothing more satisfy- you know where I’m coming from. NOTES: ing than seeing the words appear on the screen: A special dolly thank you to Abby in Poland, for “Congratulations! You’ve won!” Perhaps it’s Now that I’ve switched to selling stuff on her really cool letter and the page she sent me that competitive edge in me, but when I really, eBay instead of buying stuff on eBay, I have (taken from a Polish fashion magazine) that fea- really want something, then I really, really have even more appreciation for collectors who are tured pictures of Blythes in designer dresses!!! to have it, or my collection won’t be complete. willing to pay heaps of money for the most Blythes in Poland! Abby, I don’t know how dif- Once I’m convinced that this is the case, I will obscure things, like a pair of baby doll shoes or ficult it is to obtain the dolls there, but if you do everything in my power to attain the object. a miniature tie for Ken. Their last-minute snip- ever happen to head out this way, come over I’ve even been guilty of setting my alarm and ing, their multiple bids, their 300+ feedback and play with me and the Blythes! Oh, and the waking up at an ungodly hour in the morning that reveals their spending history all help con- Rhythm Chicken is welcome, too. He and Sean just so I could log on and snipe a particular firm that I’m not the only one who believes in can talk punk rock and stuff. early-release Takara Blythe that I absolutely the importance of acquiring stuff. And, not only had to have. And, to ensure that I don’t forget do they share and validate my feelings about Send email to [email protected], and I about an auction I want to bid on, I keep a note- collecting, their compulsion to complete their will send you pictures of my collections! book in which I record every doll that I want to collections allows me to fund additions for my snipe, complete with title, brief description, and own family of Blythes. In the seven weeks that The Twisted Balloon

I am writing this because I have been accused of sexual assault. I am writing this because I have ry of sexual assault, so I was, in my to share my bed and non-sexually dered zine, done by two transpeo- been accused of sexual assault. Not mind, sensitive of her boundaries. cuddle. The conversation we had ple, published an article discussing legally, but via a zine called Baby, Early on, she had stated that breast before sleep involved her telling me how pro-trans I was for a straight I’m a Manarchist! (a play off of the contact was off limits. I asked if I she wished she had a penny, so she boy.) Oddly, this email went out to song, “Baby, I’m an Anarchist!” could touch her in various ways, could give it for my thoughts. I told many people and groups long popularized by Against Me!) and and would ask different things her that the way she was rubbing before anyone sent me a copy. related rumors. The short story is about what was okay. After mas- my arm wasn’t entirely NOT sexu- At the actual zine event, people that sexual assault has two main saging her back and shoulders, I al. We both had open, long distance who refused to engage me in dia- schools of definition. To some, any was rubbing her around the ribs and relationships, and in her words, she logue or even moderated discus- crossing of any physical boundary belly area, and her shirt was partial- “didn’t think it was a good idea” for sion, handed out copies of the zine. is assault. This is a difficult defini- ly pulled up. I had been asking us to do anything sexual. While While I cannot say who specifical- tion, however, because the phrase directly if I could do various “Didn’t think it was a good idea” is ly did this, a few who were acting “sexual assault” does not invoke actions, but, more for want to not not a “yes,” it isn’t a “no” either. “in support of survivors” asked the idea of boundary violation; it repeat the same phrase again and Say it aloud a few ways, and you why some women weren’t taking invokes the idea of its more com- again said, “I am going to do some- will note it can convey different their sides, and the answer was that mon definition: of violence, malice, thing,” and pulled her shirt up and meanings. In any case, we did go to it seemed less like a statement and cruelty. In the middle is a huge kissed her breast. My idea was that sleep. I woke up the next morning about a cause and more a personal gray area that is important to dis- this statement was a form of with an attractive woman in my attack on me. The reaction was that cuss – all the more so because of request. Her later discussion was bed, and I will say I was a bit they “didn’t understand what it was how rarely it is discussed. that since it was a statement, there touchy-feely. I also kissed her on like to be assaulted.” In fact, some One of the “demands” that was was an implied “like it or not” that her belly – which is a serious “not of those who questioned my made of me in this zine was to she heard between the lines. officially sexual, but who am I kid- accusers had been violently raped make a public statement of what In any case, she told me to stop. ding” act. We had breakfast, hung in the past, and wound up incredi- exactly I did. Of three women who I stopped. She clearly was upset, out and talked for a while, and she bly upset at the exchange and had have publicly accused me of but not talkative or very demonstra- left. Days later we chatted online to leave: survivors were trauma- wrongdoing, one (who we both tive in any way. I was unaware at and when I asked if she wanted to tized in the name of supporting sur- agree would be best left unnamed) the moment that she was feeling return some time, she mentioned vivors. has worked with me to draft a state- trauma from a past attack that had she wasn’t all that comfortable The zine Baby, I’m a ment (in fact, the delay of submit- just been triggered in her memory. staying at my house again, because Manarchist! itself includes snippets ting this column results from her She asked me to cuddle with her, of what happened. I said that was from online conversations between request that I allow her time to and I did. After a while, I walked fair. She said that she wanted to me and these women (which I digest this.) Another, Tali, (I use her her to the train. Days later, she stay with friends. She mentioned assumed were private conversa- name because she names herself in emailed me and told me how upset that, during the night, I had gotten tions), many of these being individ- the zine) at one point Instant she was. We had sporadic contact my hand down the front of her ual or small clusters of lines from Messaged me her own version of since then online. In the last week pants. Her last words to me for a longer conversations without con- the story, and I agreed with it and of March, we talked online when while was that she was upset, but text. It also included stories from asked her to send me an email of she asked me to tell her my side of wanted to stay friends. I attempted other people who had no connec- that conversation. Instead, she told the story. She told me hers. I under- to contact her via Instant tion with me (although the intro of me to use my own words. A third, stood how the same actions could Messenger, but she didn’t want to the zine is clear about me being the Laura (who also uses her name in mean different things to different talk. The last time I saw her was subject) as well as the Antioch the zine) has not responded to any people. I told her how I better also the day of Beantown College Sexual Offense Prevention contact on my behalf, so clearly I understood her “side” and told her I Zinetown, where she joined Tali in Policy. Oddly, the Antioch defini- cannot get approval of anything I was sorry, both for my actions and distributing the zine. Neither want- tion of sexual assault is “non-con- say, even though she demanded that because what I did was a betrayal ed to communicate directly with sensual sexual act including, but I get it. of trust. She did not say she accept- me. not limited to vaginal penetration, ed the apology, but she did say A few days before the actual anal penetration and oral sex. Here is what I did: “thanks.” Days later, on March 29, zine fair, I heard, second hand, that Penetration, however slight, Tali came over my house to she showed up at Beantown the Lucy Parsons Center – a radical includes the insertion of objects or interview me for a project she was Zinetown, the zine fair I organized, bookstore that some related events body parts.” “Non-consensual sex- working on. It was on gender, actu- with the zine Baby, I’m a would be at – sent out emails that ual touching” is called Sexual ally. We talked for awhile, and Manarchist. they were canceling one event and Imposition. Yet, in the zine, Laura broke off the interview to watch Around Christmastime, Laura, banning me from another because I refers to my actions as sexual The Simpsons. I noticed that she who I had a sexual history with, was accused of sexual assault. I assault and rape. There are also recurrently sat next to me. I would came over to my house to go sled- was also called racist and transpho- repeated uses of the phrase “Rich get up, sit on the couch, and she ding. We went sledding, had fun, bic. Racism and transphobia are has proved…” despite no actual would move a few inches so we had a beer or two, and were about things I am very opposed to, and presentation of the proof being ref- would touch. Eventually, we to sleep. I asked if she wanted to these accusations had no backup or erence. wound up in my bedroom and I was sleep in my bed or the extra bed evidence – not even circumstantial Also in the zine was a list of giving her a backrub. I was aware created by a recent room vacancy in evidence. (Ironically, I was accused demands made to me. These were 16 of her having a histo- my apartment. She said she wanted of this four days before a transgen- not the result of any liaison or mediator, nor did they seem to sug- that the indymedia sites of the cities Portland Zine Symposium in early who should have noted my power gest any precedent or informed I was stopping at had warnings August. However, there were plen- and privilege and thus been more logic for them. They certainly had about the arrival of “admitted sexu- ty of copies of Manarchist as well mindful, aware and respectful? Yes. no “In order for us to forgive you, al assaulter, Rich Mackin” courtesy as stickers and fliers speaking out Do I clearly have some personal you must…” or “Unless you do of the same people who did Baby, against me. Many of these called issues around sex, women, bound- these, we will…” statements. They I’m a Manarchist! They quoted the for “dialogue,” “communication,” aries, and awareness of other’s feel- were merely written and handed to zine as if it was another source. and “accountability.” Yet none of ings? Yes, and I need to work on me, and many others. A brief syn- The results of this led to, them seemed interested in actually this all. And I AM working on this opsis of them includes a demand to among other things, a sizable creating dialogue, simply present- all, and by all means, keep me in cancel a tour (which was in April, check, keep me accountable. But and was more of a trip than a tour); to label me a danger, a sexual that I publicly admit what I did; predator, a serial rapist? Well, to that I disclose my “sexual miscon- co-opt a bumper sticker about post duct” to roommates, lovers, activist 911 bombings, “Justice, Not groups I work with – as well as Vengeance.” Like any person, I anywhere I perform or sell my need to take full and total respon- zines; to stop touching “wymyn” sibility for what I have done, but I (altogether); to seek therapy; to can only take responsibility for take anti-oppression training; to what I personally have done, educate other men about this; and and what I specifically have to take action to “compensate” done, not for what abstracts those I harmed. people assume I have done. After the zine was distrib- uted, a close friend, who I had An aside I think is a sexual history with, termi- important… nated our friendship after A word about hold- hearing about all this. ing people account- Apparently, she had often able… a few friends of felt pressured by me to mine have reacted to have sex, and so did it all this by mentioning more to shut me up, or that they have noticed because she felt guilty, or that I do seem a bit feared losing me as a overly sexual, or numb friend, or because I wore to boundaries, or some- her down with nagging – thing similar. The feed- so she often was having sex back, even by some she didn’t really want to people who know the have. She said, more or less, accusers, is that I am that she didn’t really want to harmless, but irritating. bring this up with me until While only I am in charge after reading the other of my behaviors, I want to women’s complaints about me. say that if you ever find She brought up points of the rela- yourself in this sort of friend tionship that I didn’t think I role, PLEASE speak up. You exploited so much as should have don’t have to call your friend a been more respectful and consider- sexist asshole, just point out ate of and simply was not – I was specifics as you see them. If a older, more stable in home and friend annoys people, and it does- career, etc. I wasn’t decidedly n’t seem to be a decided action, mean. I really had not thought of a consider that they might benefit lot of stuff I should have. I was Illustration by Rob Ruelas from being called on their shit. very literally selfish and ignorant. Part of being friends is helping One example was that growing someone grow. Sometimes the up, her father had a history of vio- “Google search” list of sites that ing one side without contact best thing you can do for someone lence during car trips. I knew this, said “admitted sexual predator Rich information. It was clear the mood is give them a wake up call, no mat- that she was easily traumatized by Mackin” which contained links to wasn’t to hold me accountable, but ter how little they want it. yelling in a car. I still would yell at sites filled with third parties misin- to humiliate and discredit me. her during car trips. I knew some- terpreting the whole event in any Let me speak candidly. I For a longer, more rantier version thing I did would have deep effects number of ways. messed up. I have done some crap- of this, you can check out on her, and while I didn’t do this In early July, the Portland anar- py things here. I admit it, and I am www.richmackin.org/Projects/AB specifically TO hurt her, I was not chist newspaper Little Beirut sorry for the bad that I have done. C/ABC.html even considering being sensitive to republished the list of demands BUT I am only sorry for the bad deep emotions I knew she felt. She from Baby, I’m a Manarchist! THAT I HAVE DONE. Certain def- For more information on sexual used the word “rape” to describe These included points asking me to initions of assault might apply to assault and what men can do to how she felt some of my actions take ownership of my actions and my actions, and the term “survive” make themselves more aware, were “coercive” – not to describe telling me to “stop touching has a definition that means “to con- check out. any specific event, but to describe wymyn.” Obviously, I am acting tinue despite.” When someone www.thesafetynet.org the tone of the relationship. This upon some demands with more refers to “surviving assault,” the www.mencanstoprape.org crushed me. The fact that my gusto than others, but it’s interest- images conjured up do not involve www.menagainstsexualviolence.org actions could even be perceived as ing that a three-month-old list of kissing a breast and stopping when such by the woman involved – that things to do was recently reprinted being told to stop. And to see some of the lessons someone I loved and admired and without asking the guy who it is Was it wrong for me to do what I learned as a result of all of this, respected had felt THAT hurt by about if he is doing any of the I did? Yes. Were there a number of check out next issue’s column. me, was emotionally crippling. things on that list. choices I could have made to avoid As I got in my car to drive I was asked/ demanded by the situation? Yes. In these situa- –Rich Mackin cross-country to Portland, I found numerous people to not attend the tions, was I consistently the one 17 But, if you’re going to ask Todd, Felizon, and me to stop publication on a book that has already been printed, the least you could do is point to the spot on the doll where the bad man touched you. How to Avoid Getting Blacklisted by bunch of baseless accusations that flooded adhering to those. But there were also some a Bunch of Cowards obscure message boards? Actually, it wasn’t that demands that were just ridiculous. For instance, tough of a decision. We went ahead and pub- there was the one that banned Rich from doing Part 1: Run Screaming from lished the book. things like hugging his mother.) We also pointed Message Boards After all the books were printed, but prior to out that there was nothing in the demands that Thursday our trip to Portland, the allegations of sexual explicitly said that Rich shouldn’t attend PZS. Todd and I drove I-5 North to the Portland assault started to stir up controversy again. Todd Besides, we’d just traveled a thousand miles to Zine Symposium, even though we both had this and I saw little signs of this. The most obvious support Rich’s right to continue to write and vague sense that it was going to be a shit storm. sign came from Joe Beil – the guy who wrote publish. Surely, if we were standing up for him, I dreaded the event with every mile we traveled. the Martin Luther King assassination article in he should stand up with us. I know it sounds silly to dread an event full of Razorcake #14. Joe was also one of the organiz- At this point, Shawn Granton walked in. kids who put out zines. It’s hard to imagine a ers of the Portland Zine Symposium, and, as far Shawn was Rich’s roommate and he used to do less threatening crowd. But there were extenuat- as I know, one of Rich’s friends. Prior to the a comic for Razorcake. ing circumstances, which basically amounted to event, he emailed me and asked me not to We discussed the situation with Shawn, and, this: a few months ago, two women accused release Rich’s book at PZS. He said that he’d since he, too, was one of the PZS organizers, I Rich Mackin of sexual assault. Ordinarily, this been getting a lot of flack about the possibility asked him, “Can we just bring everything out in wouldn’t affect Todd or me personally, but, of Rich attending the zine fair, and that he want- the open? Can we have a classroom at the zine through our magazine, Razorcake, and through ed to avoid controversy. fair where anyone who’s interested can come Razorcake’s book-publishing arm, Gorsky I’m not one to shy away from controversy, and talk to Rich and say whatever they want and Press, we publish columns and books by Rich so I went ahead and tried to schedule a reading hopefully get enough information to decide for Mackin. In fact, two months before the allega- for Rich, anyway. themselves whether or not Rich is really a sexu- tions, we had agreed to publish a second book of It was a weird situation. Everyone I called al assaulter?” Rich’s letters to corporations. Now, obviously, if seemed to be friendly and interested in having Shawn shook his head. He said, “We worked we believed Rich Mackin were a sexual Todd and me do a reading, but when I men- really hard on this event. We want it to be about assaulter, we would be very hesitant to publish tioned Rich’s name, the conversation quickly zines, not about Rich.” him. I was just about to start working on the lay- turned cold. The only exception to this came That seemed reasonable. Hell, I wanted the out of Rich’s new book when these allegations from Kevin at Powell’s Bookstore. He was real- same thing. That’s why I wanted a classroom: so came about, so I looked into them. They weren’t ly cool, but he already had a reading booked for we could air all the grievances right at the begin- very broadly publicized unless you spend a lot that night. Other than my difficulty in schedul- ning and curb the gossip. So I explained this to of time on anarchist or indymedia message ing a reading, which is a pretty difficult thing to Shawn and asked again if he could get us a boards, which I don’t. But I followed all of the do even if you’re not blacklisted, Todd and I had classroom to have this discussion. Shawn said, message board conversations very closely. I no idea how much flack we would get by going “I don’t know how to answer that.” Which was read everything I could about the issue. The to PZS, or how deep the anti-Rich sentiment ran. his way of answering “no.” Then, Shawn said, women themselves had posted a letter explain- “We don’t want to ban anyone from the Zine ing their allegations on the Pittsburgh Part 2: Learn to Love Your Symposium. But we’d really appreciate it if Independent Media Center message board. Of Banishment Rich didn’t come.” course, I read that, and the subsequent seven After eighteen hours on the road, we sat in We debated for a while, and Shawn kept pages of debate regarding the letter. I even Rich’s apartment, downing a twelve-pack of going back to that phrase: “We don’t want to ban called Rich and asked him what happened. Rich Hamm’s. Rich told us, “I’m not going to the zine anyone, but we’d really appreciate it if Rich did- told me basically the same story that he wrote fair. A bunch of people have asked me not to.” n’t come.” for his column in this issue. I talked things over Rich paused and said, “Plus, there’s this.” He In case you were wondering, yes, Rich was with my wife, Felizon, who had read the letter handed us a copy of a newsletter called Little in the room the whole time. Apparently, he was and a bunch of the posts, and who is also a part- Beirut. The newsletter had printed a sidebar call- starting to get used to being banned from places. ner in Gorsky Press. I talked it over with Todd, ing Rich a known sexual predator and they had who’d followed everything as closely as I did a list of demands that he must meet. The Part 3: Believe Everything You Read and who had asked Rich about the allegations, newsletter gave no information about Rich or Friday too. When we had all the information that was the allegations. They simply printed the list of The zine fair opened up at two o’clock that available to us, we reckoned that, based on what demands. There was also no indication that, if Friday afternoon. Todd and I set up our we knew, Rich had not committed sexual Rich met those demands, he would be rewarded Razorcake/Gorsky Press table and braced our- assault. The allegations were generally unsub- or even spared in any way. Rich told us that it selves for whatever would come. At first, it stantiated. No charges had been filed. No hard came from the zine, Baby, I’m a Manarchist, seemed like no big deal. People came by the evidence had surfaced for us to convict Rich. which is the zine where the original allegations table and chatted with us. We sold some maga- There was really very little to this case beyond a were made. “I just thought it would be a lot eas- zines and had a few cool conversations. One bunch of anarchist kids writing to message ier for everyone if I didn’t go,” Rich said. person handed me a flyer. On one side of the boards and calling for Rich’s castration. Even Todd and I, of course, argued. We didn’t see flyer was a dark photocopy of the cover of Dear they did a very poor job of explaining what Rich a reason to adhere to unreasonable demands Mr. Mackin... On the other side was a page-long did to deserve it. So we had a tough decision to made by anonymous reactionaries. (Not that all attack on Rich “Makin” for trying to defend make: should we go ahead and publish Rich’s of the demands were unreasonable. Some of himself against the allegations of sexual assault. 18 book, or should we cave in to a them were actually good ideas, and Rich was The flyer concluded by saying, “We are insulted and offended that what could be a sincere and inition. You can’t start assigning new meanings aren’t disgusting,” I said. “Books are words on open dialogue with the community has instead to words. You can’t start calling cats “ele- paper. They can’t hurt anyone. If you don’t like been crafted into profiteering and more image- phants,” or people will freak out every time you what a book says, don’t read it. But don’t try to building for Rich Makin.” This was interesting tell them that an “elephant” is running after censor it.” to me – the idea that you can at once criticize them. By the same token, you can’t start calling As soon as the word “censor” left my lips, Rich for trying to give his side of the story, then kissing a breast “sexual assault,” or people will the folks in the group got defensive. They ask for a dialogue. The whole idea of a dialogue freak out about something that’s not nearly as weren’t trying to censor Rich’s book. They were is that you talk, but you also listen to what the severe as it sounds. simply trying to get Rich’s publisher to stop other person has to say. With this in mind, I told To this, a dark-haired woman twisted up her selling it. Right? And Shawn Granton wasn’t the person who handed me the flyer that I was face and yelled at me, “You’re the reason why banning Rich from the PZS. He was simply ask- more than willing to talk to her about all of this women get raped!” And, just to be clear, she ing him not to come. I understand what they’re stuff. She said, “No,” and walked away. didn’t say people like me were the reason why saying. I also know that they’re setting up a slip- Other than that, the early afternoon went women get raped. Just me. It’s all my fault. pery slope which is neither censorship nor ban- pretty smoothly. We even got to meet Arwen Todd joined me about fifteen minutes into ishment. It’s blacklisting. Curry of Maximum Rocknroll and Chris Boarts the argument. The group continued to attack me. Eventually, the group stopped yelling at us Larson of Slug and Lettuce and talk to each of A couple of times, I looked over at Todd to see and walked away. Nothing was resolved. The them about the things we all go through in if he wanted to add anything. I could see him people around us, who had eavesdropped and throwing away our lives for crazy newsprint clenching his jaw and struggling to control his heard most of the argument, came up to us to let punk zines. temper. This, mixed with his bald, heavily us know they sympathized with us and to say At about five o’clock, Todd got that we’d been unfairly attacked. up to take a stroll. I stayed behind the Then again, I’m sure other people table. I chatted with the guy at the said the same thing to the group, table next to me. He told me about his once they walked away from our zine, Brains, which was a punk rock table. zombie story. I traded him a For the rest of the after- Razorcake for it. I asked him ques- noon, one young anarchist woman tions about his fiction writing, and (who had been with the group that while he answered them, a group of confronted Todd and me) stood self-proclaimed anarchists assembled about twenty feet from our table. in front of the Razorcake table. There Any time anyone would stop to talk were seven or eight people in the to us, she would swoop in and hand group. A red-haired young woman that person the Rich-is-a-sexual- interrupted my conversation and said, predator flyer. She handed the flyers “I was wondering why you think it’s to everyone: old friends of ours who appropriate to sell this book.” She stopped by, strangers, Razorcake pointed at Dear Mr. Mackin... contributors, people who had come “I’m the publisher,” I said. out to the PZS just to meet Todd and Another woman handed me a me. At one point, I was talking to an stack of flyers. “Will you put these on older woman about Jack London, your table?” she asked. and this young anarchist gave her a I looked at the flyer. It, too, had a flyer. When the woman tried to give photocopy of the cover of Dear Mr. the flyer back, the anarchist said Mackin... The gist of the flyer was something like, “If you support this that Rich was a sexual predator and a table, you’re supporting a rapist.” danger to us all. I handed it back to The woman looked at the the woman and told her I wouldn’t flyer and said, “Oh, I thought you give it out. I didn’t see why I should. were handing me an advertisement.” I didn’t make the flyer. I didn’t agree She put the flyer down and went with what it said. I’d no more hand it back to talking to me about Call of out than hand out flyers to a Blink 182 the Wild. show. At this point, the accusations Around this time, apparent- started to fly. The group condemned ly someone hung a poster on the Rich as a “rapist.” I argued that no easel at the entrance to the zine fair. charges had been filed against Rich. The poster advertised Rich as a sex- No evidence had been presented. ual predator, and, again, it had the They called me a sexist, accused me cover of Dear Mr. Mackin... on it. I of acting like a lawyer, and said I was never saw the poster. I only know “no anarchist.” about it because people kept coming For the record, I never claimed to be an scarred head, made him look like a mean moth- by the table saying things like, “Oh, is this the anarchist. erfucker. Which he’s not, but it didn’t hurt to let book by the rapist.” It was a long afternoon. The argument continued on for a long time. him look like that. When he did get his temper A lot was said, and I’ll spare you all the she said, in check, he helped me out in the debate. It went Part 4: Know that Proof Is I saids. Their basic point was that I shouldn’t on and on and on. For over half an hour. A lot of Completely Unnecessary publish a known sexual assaulter (or sexual accusations were thrown around by the group. That night, I read a copy of Baby, I’m a predator, or rapist, depending on who was talk- Todd and I didn’t yell back when they yelled at Manarchist. I’d been trying to get my hands on ing). My basic point is that, as far as I could tell, us. We kept things as calm and rational as we one since it was first released in April, but I the sum of Rich’s actions amount to him kissing could. couldn’t find it anywhere. I took my time and a breast and putting his hand down an ex-lover’s In the end, they demanded that we take read it carefully, cover to cover. I read a lot of pants while the two of them slept together. I said Rich’s books off our table. One man had been sentences and paragraphs several times. It’s dif- I didn’t defend these actions. And I don’t. I cowering behind another woman during the ficult to read because it’s edited poorly. It agree that Rich needs to treat women better. But whole conversation. He spoke so softly and includes Instant Message conversations between you can’t call kissing a breast and feeling up a timidly that I had to ask him to repeat himself. Rich and Tali (one of his accusers), but the con- woman who chooses to sleep in your bed “sex- He spoke slightly louder and said, “Well, I think versations are only fragments, and the state- ual assault.” They argued that we needed to that book is disgusting.” ments have no context. For example, one con- broaden the definition of the term sexual assault. Of everything, this was the first low blow to versation starts with Rich saying, “My problem I argued that “sexual assault” already has a def- me. It hit me where I’m most sensitive. “Books is not that I am doing sexual 19 things decidedly that I shouldn’t but that I am of Razorcake. He rolled it up, stuffed it in his choices I made in my life but had to do more doing things without entirely realizing I am.” pocket, and walked away. It was clear that he with things I could hardly avoid, like being born But I have no idea what these “sexual things” didn’t want to be associated with me or into a world where I’d be a construction worker, are. It could be anything from a rape to a foot Razorcake. or being born white and male. massage (because massage is referred to as sex- I couldn’t help wondering how different And now here I was at the Portland Zine ual in the zine). Later in the conversation, Rich things would’ve been if the people who we’ve Symposium, getting all of these same feelings says, “I really have nothing to say in my supported for a couple of years – specifically again and feeling pretty shitty, hearing talk defense.” This was a blurb that had been read to Joe and Shawn, who had approached us and about “male privilege” and “race privilege,” me by one of the people yelling at me earlier in asked us if they could contribute to Razorcake – which, for all practical purposes in my life, only the day. She claimed that it proved that Rich was would’ve said something like, “Sure, those guys meant that I had the privilege to get the heavy- an admitted rapist, but, again, the “sexual publish Rich. They also publish us. Hell, they lifting jobs that most women (and a lot of men, things” are never defined. even gave us a free ad for PZS in Razorcake for that matter) couldn’t or wouldn’t do. And, as Also, Tali never discusses the incident in #15.” far as I can tell, the only “privilege” my white any detail. She even goes so far as to say, At the very least, if Joe and Shawn had spo- skin afforded me so far was that bit of skin can- “Already people are demanding for ‘the ken up, it may have kept Todd and I from being cer that grew on my nose before I turned thirty. accusers’ to give details, to give proof. I’m real- the only targets in this attack at PZS. So, yeah, I just sat behind that table and got ly sorry that I didn’t video tape all those times more and more angry. Rich assaulted myself and other womyn (sic), so And, just to be clear, she didn’t say The shitty feelings, though, were overcome what do you want us to do, reenact it? I do not people like me were the reason by feelings that what I was doing was right. As feel that it is necessary for me to give a moment a publisher, I need to stick by my authors. I need by moment account of what went on in Rich why women get raped. Just me. to give them the benefit of the doubt, to see Mackin’s apartment all those times.” Well, I It’s all my fault. them as innocent until proven guilty. I can’t turn don’t want a reenactment. I’m not asking for a tail and run at the slightest bit of controversy. If videotape. I’m not even asking for a moment by That afternoon, there was a PZS workshop I did, I’d be no better than St. Martin’s Press and moment account. I just want to know the gist of that started out being about sexual assault. I did- their literal burning of all the copies of the the accusation. What was the assault? Where n’t attend it, but I heard that it quickly degener- Fortunate Son biography. And, to reiterate, I does it lie on the spectrum between a foot mas- ated into a Rich-Mackin-is-a-rapist discussion. I didn’t defend Rich’s actions. I just defended his sage and rape? What other women? What do don’t know if that’s true or not. I do know that I right to continue to write and publish. By the you mean by “all those times”? could pinpoint the exact moment when it ended same token, I don’t defend Martin Luther Through it all, Rich’s side of the story isn’t because suddenly a whole bunch of finger point- King’s womanizing, or his horrible treatment of contradicted by anything in the zine. Both of ers and whisperers filed past our table. Todd was his wife. I just defend his actions as a great civil Rich’s accusers (Tali and a woman named off at a workshop on the history of zines, and I rights leader. I don’t defend the vicious, manip- Laura), speak so vaguely and throw out accusa- sat behind the table with my buddy, Chris. Chris ulative ways that Emma Goldman treated her tions so freely that they reduce the whole issue knew about all of this drama, but he had nothing lovers and friends. I do defend her as a great to a matter of faith. Either you believe their sto- to do with it. He’s a friend of mine from my writer and thinker. And I’m not trying to put ries or you don’t, but they’re not going to be hometown. We’ve known each other for twenty- Rich in a category with MLK or with Emma bothered with telling you any details about what something years. He was living in Portland and Goldman, here. I’m just saying that the impor- happened. I can see where this would be enough just swung by PZS to see me and hang out a lit- tance of his letters to corporations, and the way evidence for a bunch of self-righteous Portland tle. they make you think about issues like sweat- anarchists to get on a high horse. But, if you’re Chris and I sat behind the table and suffered shops and the insidiousness of advertising and going to ask Todd, Felizon, and me to stop pub- a weird hour and a half of dirty looks, blatant the corporate control of the US, outweighs the lication on a book that has already been printed, stares, whispers out of earshot, and refusals to bad judgement of kissing a breast or copping a the least you could do is point to the spot on the talk. Maybe it was because I used to work con- feel. doll where the bad man touched you. struction with Chris’s older brother when we To be fair to Laura and Tali, I should add were growing up, but this parade of dirty looks That night, Todd and I sat down with Rich that they never asked us to stop publication on and vague ostracism triggered memories that I again. We talked it over and decided to do a lit- Rich’s book. haven’t thought about for years. I remembered tle forum of our own after the PZS. That way, being a seventeen-year-old carpenter who spent we couldn’t be accused of making the PZS Part 5: Realize that Dirty Looks Are all my days out in the sun, my skin getting so tan about Rich (which it had become, despite any- Irrefutable that I always looked dirty, even straight out of thing we had done). The idea was to stop the fin- Saturday the shower but especially at the end of the day, ger pointing and whispering and to bring the The next day was more intense. The poster when I’d walk into a convenience store with the whole issue out into the open. We made flyers that had been at the entrance of the zine fair the crew of ex-junky carpenters I worked for, all of and we talked Rich’s friend Michelle, who’s a day before was moved to the women’s bath- us sweaty from nine hours of manual labor in really brave person, into moderating the event. room. A sporadic flow of people would pass by the Florida sun, sawdust clinging to the hairs on Then, we went to bed. the Razorcake table, stop and stand about fifteen my arms, eyes drooping and shoulders sagging or twenty feet away, and point and whisper. with exhaustion. I remembered the wide berths Part 6: Understand that Rape Very few of them would actually talk to us. I’d get from girls my age, the nasty looks, the Allegations Translate to Big Profits Occasionally, someone would walk up to the upturned noses, and the comments like, Sunday table, pick up a copy of Dear Mr. Mackin..., “Mommy, he’s filthy,” or a side-of-the-mouth A lot of people had packed up and left. The look at it like it was poison, then drop it on the mumbling, “Shower much?” As if carpenters last day of the zine fair was more mellow. We table in disgust. But, again, whenever I offered weren’t allowed in this hallowed 7-11. At the still had to deal with the dirty looks and vague to talk about these things, people shrugged me time, I thought I brushed these things aside. I ostracism and shitty feelings. These increased off or walked away. thought I moved on and moved beyond all of when the PZS organizers had their second work- Around this time, I got to meet Mike Faloon this. I worked through a bachelor’s degree and a shop on sexual assault, which again apparently of Go Metric! zine. He had nothing to do with master’s degree and a string of jobs digging degenerated into a Rich-is-a-rapist forum, too. all this drama, but I am a big fan of his zine, and ditches and painting houses and hauling trash to Michelle passed out flyers for our forum, where meeting him was a bright spot in an otherwise the dump and filling in septic tanks and building Rich would be allowed to defend himself. Todd dismal morning. houses and working in warehouses and washing and I gave those flyers to people whenever we Early in the afternoon, Joe Beil came by the dishes and eventually getting stories published caught them staring. A few people came up to us table. I tried to chat with him, but he slowly and getting anthologized in writing textbooks and just talked about the issue, which was backed away from me while he was talking. I and helping to start this magazine and helping to refreshing. I also found two of the people who pointed to a copy of Razorcake and said, start a publishing company that published two had confronted me on Friday: the woman who “Here’s the new issue. It’s got some of the zine of my books and six others. Through it all, I said that I’m the reason why women get raped, reviews that you wrote for it. Take a copy, if you thought I’d worked beyond this vague, coward- and the guy who told me that Rich’s book was want.” Joe stepped forward and grabbed a copy ly ostracism that had nothing to do with any disgusting. I was very friendly to 21 them and invited them to come out to our forum ing women. But it seemed these principles of was allowed for people to decide things for and to meet Rich and look into the matter them- feminism were discounted, and a new line of themselves. And, of course, we talked about selves. They told me that they would be there. thinking had formed: one that expected women how badly it sucked that Todd and I were the tar- Towards the end of PZS, I asked Shawn to curl up into a ball and cry “rape” with every gets for all the anger. Todd and I. Two guys who Granton if he or if we could make an announce- unwanted touch. treat women – who treat pretty much everyone ment on the microphone to invite people to the we meet – very well. forum. Shawn told me that the organizers had Part 7: Never, Under Any As we got some distance from Portland, one already talked about it, and, no, Todd and I Circumstances, Help last thing really started to bug me. At one point wouldn’t be allowed to make the announcement. a Friend in Need in Baby, I’m a Manarchist, Tali says that she was Still, we managed to get the word out to most of Monday sexually assaulted twice. Once in March of the people at the zine fair. They would have their Todd and I left Portland that Monday morn- 2002. Once when Rich kissed her breast, a “cou- chance to confront the issue, interrogate Rich, ing. For the first time in my life, I was excited ple of nights” before she wrote the opening look into the details of the allegations, and that a road trip was about to end. I was excited essay in the zine (October, 2002). She says, “i decide for themselves whether or not Rich was a to leave the really cool city of Portland, with all was sexually assaulted last march and a couple sexual predator. of its nice bike paths, with its block-long inde- of nights ago. when it rains, it pours ey? and it’s As it turned out, seven people who weren’t pendent bookstore and record store where you raining!!! and cold. it’s all kind of scary. the involved in the forum showed up to it. Three of can pick up obscure, out-of-print punk singles assault last march was a lot worse than a couple those seven people left within a few minutes. Of for four bucks. I was excited to leave a city of nights ago. far worse... a couple of nights ago course, no one who pointed or whis- wasn’t as bad but it caused me to pered or confronted us came to the have a flashback to last march which forum. Not even the ones who told caused me to freak out...” When I me personally that they would be read those lines, I read them as a plea there. for help. It seems to me that Tali is Apparently no one was interest- tormented by the assault she suffered ed in details. They seemed to agree in March. And, based on what I with Tali’s statement in Baby, I’m a know about psychology, that assault Manarchist: that details are “com- will continue to torment her, contin- pletely unnecessary.” That a mere ue to manifest itself in her relation- accusation is enough for a convic- ships, until she gets the help she’s tion. That, if Tali says, “Rich is an asking for. There’s nothing wrong admitted sexual assaulter,” then with Tali, as far as I know, but even that’s all the evidence anyone needs. I can see that she’s been injured It doesn’t matter that Rich didn’t emotionally. She won’t feel like her- admit to being a sexual assaulter. He self again until that injury undergoes denies it, even. But Rich’s side of the therapy. story doesn’t matter because, This is what disturbs me the according to the flyers, it’s simply most: that, at the very beginning, “profiteering and more image-build- starting with the very first allegation, ing for Rich Makin.” Which is we have a woman who is asking for strange point of view, because I can’t help. She doesn’t need a lynch mob. see how it’s a good idea to build She doesn’t need a blacklist or your image around sexual assault forums or slanderous flyers or allegations, or how that leads to accusatory posters in bathrooms. “profiteering.” Those things can effectively hurt So I sat there and listened to the Rich, but they can’t help Tali at all. forum without saying anything. It Tali needs someone to help her turned into a discussion about how through these issues that are tor- well Rich had adhered to the list of menting her. And, in the typical demands. One guy asked Rich, American way, people run off and “Have you touched any women fight half-cocked battles on her since these demands were made on behalf; they seek vengeance on an you?” ill-conceived idea of evil rather than “Well, it’s such a broad helping this woman. demand,” Rich said. “I can’t follow And, in Rich’s case, he it exactly. Like, I had a job interview doesn’t need to seek counseling and, at the end of it, I shook the hand (above) An excerpt from Wimmens Comix, about being a rapist. I know Rich of the woman who interviewed me.” a seventies underground zine that celebrated sex as an pretty well. I’ve listened to him The guy clucked his tongue in empowering act for women. explain his life to me as we’ve dri- disappointment. ven thousands of miles across this I started to feel like it was going to be a long where you can safely breathe the air and where country on book tours. Rich is a lot of things, forum. the hills aren’t hidden behind the smog. I was but he’s not violent. And that’s what rape and I listened to the talk about the alleged excited to drive back to my home in the crazy, sexual assault are: violent. So Rich doesn’t need assaults, and the terminology that was being often violent, always polluted LA. therapy to curb his non-existent violent tenden- used in the zines, in the flyers, and in the dis- We drove down I-5, among the Douglas firs cies. For the most part, Rich is a really good guy. cussions. Words like “survivor” and “victim” and the twists and turns of the Willamette River. I consider him my friend. But I have to admit and “male privilege” and “safe space.” Talk of We talked about everything that was said over that he’s self-destructive, and he needs to stop how women “survive” from someone copping a the weekend and everything that happened. We being so self-destructive. Again, there’s nothing feel, or who “heal” after guys make moves that talked about the way that this whole situation wrong with Rich, but he has been injured emo- the women don’t want them to make. It makes with Rich was being handled, about how the tionally somewhere along the line, and he won’t women seem so fragile and helpless. I don’t Portland Zine Symposium wasn’t supposed to feel like himself until that injury undergoes ther- consider myself a feminist, but listening to this be about him, but it was set up to condemn him. apy. talk made me wish for representation from the About how, sure, the legal system sucks, but at But instead of helping anyone to get better, opposing feminist mentality. The mentality least it pretends to have some due process. At we’re all running off to fight these ridiculous where women take control of their lives. Where least the accused can defend himself. We talked wars. Just like little good Americans. women reclaim sex for themselves. Where sex about how few people would actually look into –Sean Carswell becomes a liberating act and a way of empower- the details of what happened and how little room 23 SqueezeSqueezeSqueeze MyMyMy HornHornHorn

So, yeah, these are cool comics if your mind is warped and in search of some wacko candy. I had it all planned out. I was having my suffering from the same infliction as Reagan. He read with an open mind, this book can bring an floors at the home refinished and we had to be states that he is getting too old to remember a understanding to the Middle Eastern way of life. out of the house for a mere five days. Right! four-part question. At that point, shouldn’t he It is sensitive in both view and writing. The pic- Well in that time I had also thrown my back out resign as President and give the job to someone tures are simple yet truly beautiful – a visually and was off work and not allowed to do anything younger and more coherent? stirring masterpiece. strenuous. What better recipe for getting ample Now, by no means am I a saint. In fact, often (Soft Skull Press, 71 Bond Street, Brooklyn, NY amounts of reading in? Oh and I did read. Even my wife reminds me that I’m a dick. But I’m not 11217, www.softskull.com) when I was done with all the comics I was in the public eye and I’m not out to screw any- buried under, I started reading flower catalogs. one. I think that humans are just blindly digging BLACK IMAGES IN THE COMICS How’s that for being out of one’s home for too their own egos, and this allows them to do what- by Fredrik Stromborg, $15.95 U.S long? As things go in the home contractor busi- ever they damn well please. For instance, in Racial images in comics from the 1800s to cur- ness, when we returned home, we found some their autos, how many times do you see some rent should make for an interesting read. The problems. egomaniac cut across three lanes to get in a turn simple fact that this is a case study of the por- At the front of the house, there were old lane or hold up traffic by making an illegal trayal of blacks in comics makes this book non- floorboards in the flower beds along with empty maneuver? Here’s a good one: a guy drove volatile. What I mean is the way this book is cans of polyurethane, cigarette butts and large down the bike lane (illegal), ran a red light (very written, there are no sides taken and there is amounts of saw dust. All the screens were off illegal and dangerous), and then flipped me the nothing demeaning in the presentation. The facts the windows. A still-working smoke detector bird when I caught up to him at the next light. are presented and things are explained. For was laying in a bucket, not on the ceiling where Yes, I guess I was in the wrong for being on the instance, we take for granted that if an illustrator it belongs, and there was polyurethane splat- same street with the fucking jerk. I guess it’s still draws a black person with big lips, a large flat tered all over my garage wall. Then, inside the better here than anywhere in the Middle East, nose, and big white eyes, that he is poking fun house, the crew sanded down nail heads, so that which is where I’ll begin my reviewing and with stereotypes. The fact is that, in some cases, I had shiny spots all over the floors, in one room stop my ranting. the artist may never have met a black person and the final coat had missed the wall by five inch- is drawing the work simply by what he has es, in still another room, holes still existed PORTRAITS OF ISRAELIS heard. Here’s a point, when I was a kid, we where the previous owner had drilled them in & PALESTINIANS watched Speed Racer and a lesser-known car- the floor for cable, and in yet another room, Hardback by Seth Tobocman toon called Kimba the White Lion. The creator there was urethane on the walls and sanding This is a cool collection of drawings of the faces of Kimba was Osamu Tezuka and, at the time, swirls evident in the wood. So I gave the com- of the people who live in probably the most dan- there were almost no immigrants in Japan so old pany a ring on the phone, and the company own- gerous hot spot in the world. We see on a daily Osamu has to put in a scene with natives, and ers told me that he’d get them back out immedi- basis the brutality of the conflict in pictures and since he only knew what he’d heard, he drew ately, which meant four days later, and they did video, but to put it into drawings gives a new them all with the stereotypical features, grass finish the job. The only problem is I can’t bring angle that contains much more feeling. The very skirts, and spears. This seems to be the process anything back in until that dries. So the gist of first drawing in the book is the portrait of a for most comics at the start of the century. The my story is that I’ve been without a computer to woman with the heading, “Is she an Arab or a great thing about this book is that it has an inter- write all this lovely prose for two fucking Jew?” which immediately stirs one’s thought national coverage, from Europe to Africa and all weeks. I should have known something would and breaks down the possibilities of choosing the way around to Japan, not just U.S comics. It go wrong when the third worker coming in my sides. The drawings are soft. I believe them to be is also presented in chronological order. To tell front door the first day was carrying a charcoal in medium but they are still very to the the truth, things seem to be improving in the microwave oven. point, and that point is that there are a whole lot portrayal of blacks in comics, yet there is still So all this time off and no lifting allows for of innocents being caught in the middle of the some work to be done. Of course, my favorite, plenty of television to inform my brain cells that conflict. The introduction and the author’s note the Green Lantern/ Green Arrow, got in this one I truly live in fucked up times. I’m greatly dis- give us the reason for this book, a brief back- for its favorable work in dealing with sensitive turbed by the fact that crap rules the television: ground of what compels the author, and what his issues such as drug abuse, poverty, and racial Court TV and Jerry Springer during the day, credentials are. The book then opens the mind to tensions. My favorite thing in the book is the news in the early evening and reality TV at faces, those of ordinary folk, such as taxi drivers reason they give for the demise of the D.C title, night. God, do I need cable. People seem to be or people riding the bus. The book takes us on a Steel comics. That’s right; they ring up the getting more fucked up by the minute. Sure, ride through the cities into the people’s homes, deathblow to that fabulously sloppy basketball some of this is staged but still there has to be studies the towns and the religions, and gives us goof and terrible actor Shaq! I found this book some motivation to weigh 400 lbs. and stand in a view of a world so different than our own. In to be fun, shocking, and insightful at the same front of a crowd of people in nothing but your some respects, the book is warm and hopeful, time. There is nothing prejudicial about this underwear (here’s where I shudder, yuck!) and but it then reminds us that these people live in book at all. In fact, I found it as an ideal learn- even flash them (it’s a train wreck and I can’t bloodshed and curfews. They live in cities that ing tool to teach people what not to do in look away). Then the president breaks in for his were once thriving are now places where kids comics. This book rules and I can’t wait for the garden press conference in which someone have to travel through mountains, around fight- next book, The Devil in the Comics. If you’re a should have informed him that he, by no means, ing, to get to school. They have hospitals that black history buff – not that I am – you’re going is Don Rickles. Then, when fielding questions can’t run because of the threat of fighting. These to find this some damn good reading. 24 from the press, he admits that he is reminders turn this book into a sad retrospect. If (Fantagraphic Books) THE AMAZING SNOX BOX name of Famous Monsters. The guy in the sailor municates with the ghost of the head crazy who By Brian Gage, $20.00 US hat and peacoat was the lead singer of the group was killed there when it was an institution, but, The follow up to Snark Inc. is another brilliant and, in the comic, he is brought to coherence by of course, this is where we get “to be contin- ripping of corporate Amerika. This time, the an injection of who knows what, but if you give ued.” Plastic Farm is a lot like the Twilight Zone beloved writer pokes his broomstick at the him alcohol, he becomes the hulk. This band has in pulp, only these stories leave you hanging. caged contraption called the television... I mean built some sort of urban legend. It seems that the Truthfully, I was left hanging. I want to know the “Snox Box.” I must say, Dr. Suess would be band dispersed after a member got shanked and what happens in these stories. So, yeah, these proud of these gentlemen. You just have to love died. The story goes that they felt one of the are cool comics if your mind is warped and in children’s books written for adults – and that’s other members did it and the remaining two search of some wacko candy. not to say kids wouldn’t pick up on the message went into hiding. One of those hiding was this (www.plasticfarm.com) here. The story starts on a planet far away where Tupelo character, who, as the legend has it, a king hides out from a mob of subjects who roams around avenging the ass beatings stupid NIGHTMARES & FAIRY TALES want a piece of his ass for being a prick and people give to the homeless. They even have a by Serena Valentino & FSc $2.95 working them for nothing in his diamond mines. story at the end of a supposed victim. So what is I love comics where little kids get saved from Out of nowhere arrives a slick salesman with the there left to say? Mystery and punk rock – isn’t hateful people. In this case, the people are her cure to his demise, the Snox Box, that will that what life’s about? This one makes good on parents. Little Gwen is afraid of her new house. enthrall his subjects with information that will the premise that a good legend can make a great She thinks it is haunted so she won’t go in. The make them hip and informed. So the king signs comic. (SLG Publishing, P.O Box 26427, San lady next door assures her that she will be all the contract, the Snox Boxes are placed in every Jose, CA 95159-6427, www.slavelabor.com) right. When Gwen finally goes in, we find out home, and the king becomes liked, but when the who the monsters are – her parents. They start

salesman ask for his cut, the king throws him in PLASTIC FARM 1&2 threatening her with violence if she doesn’t go the dungeon. Bad move! Our sly salesguy has a $2.95 US upstairs and unpack. Of course, when she gets device that silences the box and in turn leads to Now here are some wild fantasy comics. In the upstairs, there are every kid’s nightmare: mon- the king’s demise: his head on a stick. See what first Plastic Farm, we meet this guy whose sters in the closet. Luckily for her, the lady next a union of people can do? I mean a well-mobbed hangover induces the dream of a hell-bound door gave her a doll that communicates with the together union with bats and stones. In the end, cowboy and his dinohorse from hell. The cow- creatures and makes everything all right. Little the salesman is in his rocket, well paid by the boy has pure black eyes, see, and he walks into Gwen falls asleep and forgets to unpack. So, last planet, and heading for a brilliant blue plan- this bar... hey wait, is this sounding like a bad when dad comes grumbling up the stairs, she et in the Milky Way. Once again, Brian Gage has joke? Anyway, he trances the bartender to give panics from the fear of being beaten. However, put joy in my heart by mocking the softness of him a drink, kicks some other guy’s ass, takes when he gets in the room, everything has been society and showing us that we’re a bunch of out the sheriff and his deputy, and then gets put away. The next day, the parents yell at her lazy fools. Yes, I’m humble! Unfortunately, my speared by some gypsy. Of course, the story has for being late to breakfast, so she gets none and copy had the hard cover ripped off, but it still is some twists and turns that I didn’t mention that is then told to walk to her new school because going on my shelf to read again when work gets make it much better than my terrible story- she missed the bus. Once again, she is befriend- me down. Now that I know these guys are build- telling, but it is pretty entertaining reading. Now, ed by the lady next door and taken to school. ing a head of steam, I’m sitting on the edge of Plastic Farm 2 has a kick ass story told by a guy Okay, to make a long story short, the lady next my chair in anticipation for the next book. who is in an airport bar, waiting for the weather door is a witch who protects Gwen and when Please go out and find this book. Storm the to clear. There was this insane asylum that was things get real bad with the parents, she has the counter at Barnes & Noble and tell them they closed down and then bought by some monks to monsters kill the parents and Gwen gets to go need to order this book by the loads. Well, go! start an orphanage. Well, the loonies were live with the witch. It’s very creepily drawn and (Soft Skull Press) released into the neighboring town where they the story bounds along better than I presented it procreated with the women of the town by rap- (once again). I liked the comic, but it might be a TUPELO, THE WORLD’S ing them. This kid who is raised there is beat little too much for the kids at bedtime. The cover GREATEST JUNKIE SUPERHERO upon by the bullies, and fantasizes about being a art is awesome. I wish the whole comic was in by Matt DeGennaro & Phil Elliot, $2.95 US superhero. Then the retarded offspring are color, but I ask for too much sometimes. This The cover on this one threw me because I brought to the mission and they terrorize the kid one is creepy great and will be kept out thought it was a comic about some sailor guy. It while he is drawing. One of the monks finds his until after Halloween. (SLG Publishing) seems this one is very loosely based on a band work and deems it blasphemy and puts the kid in –Gary Hornberger from the East Coast in the late seventies by the solitary confinement. While here, the kid com- 25 NNNAAARRRDDDWWWUUUAAARRR TTTHHHEEE HHHUUUMMMAAANNN SSSEEERRRVVVIIIEEETTTTTTEEE VVVSSS MMMAAARRRGGGAAARRREEETTT CCCCHHHHOOOO

Nardwuar: Who are you? Cho: You mean like... Margaret Cho: Well I happen to be the owner Nardwuar: Like were you down with the Dead of a viagra pen. Kennedys, Millions of Dead Cops? You know Nardwuar: You are Margaret Cho what I mean. Were you down with the punkin’ Cho: Yes, I have this pen, I don’t know why I thing? have me a Viagra pen because I don’t use it. Cho: Oh like... Nardwuar: Actually, Margaret, maybe you’d Nardwuar: Dirk Dirksen! like to introduce who’s beside you Margaret. Cho: Jello (Biafra). Jello and all of them. No. Cho: Oh, I’m sorry. This is Bruce Daniels. He’s You know what? I was a little young for that, but my opening act, and we are travelling all over I was aware of the punk scene and it happened the world, doing the tour of a show. It’s called all at the Mabuhay Gardens, all around us. This Revolution. was a big thing, but I was too young, but I did Nardwuar: You are Margaret Cho, that All- hang out with a lot of punk rockers. I did wear a American girl. garbage bag at one point. I did it all. Cho: No, I’m gonna be the all-Canadian girl. Nardwuar: Margaret Cho what is you favorite Nardwuar: Margaret Cho, I am very excited yoga position and what is your least favorite because you wrote something for ROCKRGRL yoga position? Magazine. You interviewed Princess Superstar! Cho: Oh, I hate me the dolphin, because it just Cho: [yelling] She’s my favorite star! singing, he’s crying. I love Morrissey also. makes my head hurt and makes my hair fall out. Nardwuar: Princess Superstar! Nardwuar: Margaret Cho, I’m going to the Nardwuar: What is that? Cho: She’s wonderful, I mean she is… I said, I rock… Cho: The dolphin is when you put your hands in called her up and I said, “Girl, you the best.” Cho: What? this thang that is a triangle, right? And you put Some people always say, “Oh, you the best Nardwuar: I’m going to the rock… your head on the ground and then you put your female. You the best white female rapper. You Cho: [laugh] leg and your booty up in the air. And it… this the best white female rapper from New York. Nardwuar: I’m going to the rock show! kills my hamstrings, okay, my hamstrings. You You the best blond, white hair, white female rap- Peaches! Peaches! can play them like they a Slim Jim phantom on per…. Rock… producer… from New York.” Cho: Aww. a bass, and then you be just laying like that for a And I said, “No, no, no.” I said, “You are the Nardwuar: You love the Peach, don’t you long ass time until your face go all red. best hip-hop artist in the world.” I said it flat out. Margaret Cho? Everybody else does it and they all say, “Oh, it I listen to her record till I can not stop listening. Cho: I see, okay. feels so good. I feel the release in my back.” And Her, and Miss Ani DiFranco, they my life sup- Nardwuar: You’re in Canada. She is Canadian. all I feel is PAIN! Then, my favorite is of course port and Miss Bruce Daniels. Cho: Are you telling me about The Teaches of is savasana. I practice savasana as much as pos- Nardwuar: What about Miss Joan Jett. Are you Peaches? I was so confused. I say, you… the sible. That’s when you lay down and do nothing. personal friends with Joan Jett? rock? Nardwuar: Ba–boom! And you are Margaret? Cho: I am personal friend with… Bruce: I thought he was talking about Blink 182 Cho: What? Nardwuar: With Joan’s Jett? Cho: I know. [laughs] Nardwuar: You are Margaret? Cho: With Miss Joan Jetts. Nardwuar: Sorry about that, you know, “I’m Cho: Ah… The Teaches of Peaches? Nardwuar: Has she told you any good going to the rock show!” Nardwuar: Margaret Cho. Runaways stories, Margaret Cho? Cho: Oh, I love some Peaches. Peaches, I get a Cho: I am the rock! Cho: Um... no, we just party. So we don’t real- lot out of The Teaches of Peaches… That’s Nardwuar: No, you’re not the rock. You’re ly tell stories. Well, we do, but I don’t remember where I got my GED, from The Teaches of Margaret Ch… them. Peaches. That’s where I got my degree, from Cho: The rock. Nardwuar: Margaret Cho, is it true that you go The Teaches of Peaches. Nardwuar: You’re Margaret Cho! to Morrissey’s throat doctor? Nardwuar: Speaking about getting degrees and Cho: I’m Margaret … ya… Cho: I do. I actually do go and see the same man stuff, Margaret Cho, growing up in San Nardwuar: You’re Margaret Cho, yes and as Morrissey, but he can’t make my voice sound Francisco, were you involved in any of the punk Margaret Cho, what’s really exciting about you as quite as good or quite as homosexual as rocking going on there? Like you’re a goth now. is I love the fact you signed to ABC years back, Morrissey’s voice. I wish he did ‘cause I would You’re a goth now; but back then, were you goth because they had Fantasy Island. I love that, love to have that sort of soulful [Margaret sings] or were you punkin’? Did you go to any punkin’ using that as a criteria. That’s so awesome. but I don’t have it… gigs back then? Cho: Did you pronounce it “Funtasy Island” You know why I love Mr. Morrissey’s voice? Cho: Punkin’? [laughs] 26 It’s like he’s crying. When he’s Nardwuar: Punkin’ gigs back then? Nardwuar: I’ve been brainwashed! Cho: Fun, fun, Funtasy Island. Cho: Ah, Shmi… Nardwuar: The thread that I’m working on Nardwuar: I have to get into it, Funtasy Island. Nardwuar: Shmi… here is what is it like when you talk about some- Cho: Fun, Funtasy Island. No, I love Fantasy Cho: Shmi, Shmith, Smith. body, and they come to your show, and they see Island. It would flow seamlessly from The Love Nardwuar: Smith! Anna Nicole Smith. In your you taking about them like, did they get mad? Boat into Fantasy Island, so it was a big vaca- act… Cho: No, because everything is done in a loving tion that she would be taking. Cho: Anna Micole? way. You know, I don’t ever really… I’m not Nardwuar: Did you get to meet any of the Nardwuar: Anna Nicole? like a mean person. I don’t really slam people. Fantasy Island people since you were on ABC, Nardwuar: Nobody’s really ever taken offence or did you include them in any things you want- to anything? Not one lawsuit? Come on? You’re ed to do? only as good as your lawsuits. How many law- Cho: I was never… uh… That was ten years SO WHEN I TOOK OFF MY PANTS, IT suits do you have there, Margaret Ch—? after Fantasy Island was on, so I didn’t get to LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE WHEN YOU Cho: [laughs] I don’t have any. Oh, you know, meet any of the stars. I actually never met any- wait. I did have one, but it wasn’t against me. I body except that guy with the beard from Home PULL APART A PEANUT BUTTER was actually a witness to some other crime, so I Improvement. AND JELLY SANDWICH. had to go. And they subpoenaed me to court by Nardwuar: Like, did you didn’t get to push coming to one of my shows. Ricardo Montalban around in his wheelchair, or Nardwuar: Margaret Cho, what’s the differ- anything like that Margaret Cho? ence between kissing Anna Nicole Smith and Cho: No, nothing good. I didn’t get to hang out Cho: Anna Mic… you said… okay, well first of kissing Reverend Al? with Hervé (Villechaize). all, you said “Funtasy Island.” Cho: Well, Reverend Al is… Nardwuar: Margaret Cho, one other thing that Nardwuar: “Funtasy Island.” Nardwuar: Your “husband to be,” right? I’m excited about you is Little Darlings. You Cho: [laughing] Cho: Yes, he has stronger lips. like the movie Little Darlings. Nardwuar: I said “Micole” because of Nardwuar: And he is a cool guy, Reverend Al. Cho: Oh my god, it’s such a good movie and Michelob, and you actually made out with Anna Reverend Al, the Cacophony Society from Los I’m actually quite good friends with Tatum Nicole Smith! Angeles. Can you tell the people about that? O’Neal. Cho: Yes, I did. And she kissed me back. Your husband is amazing! Nardwuar: Did you learn anything about the Nardwuar: Now you’re mentioning, in your Cho: My husband is amazing. He is an amazing movie? Come on, you wouldn’t tell me anything act, because you kissed her a little bit there. artist, he is an art terrorist, he is a genius, and you know. The secret of Joan Jett, the Tatum Cho: She has me on her show. he’s gorgeous and he takes care of me and my O’Neal! Nardwuar: And what does she think about dog. And he’s writing a book all about this expe- Cho: They’re all really great women and they’re that? Like you mentioning her? rience of leading a very large group of people strong, really, really amazing artists, and I’m Cho: I don’t know. I love her. She’s great. through the art of war. They’re truly causing a just... I think show business is kinda weird, Nardwuar: Have you had any feedback from war through art, and he had millions of people because you get some sort of contact with peo- mentioning people in your act? That’s what I’m dressed up like Santas and raiding federal build- ple that you wouldn’t normally, but then again, I wondering about. ings and then strapping themselves down with don’t even belong in show business. I’m not Cho: No, ‘cause after I saw the show I was on, firecrackers and setting themselves on fire. So, really in show business; I just sort of do some and she said, [Margaret imitates Anna Nicole yes, he is a religion onto himself. stuff. Smith] “Margaret Cho.” And that’s the only Nardwuar: Margaret Cho, we’re riding here to Nardwuar: So you’re hanging around with comment that I had received. I don’t even know the airport in Vancouver, British Columbia, Tatum O’Neal – who is your friend, who is your if she’s really in my show. Canada. You once shit yourself and you talked celebrity friend there, Margaret Cho. Who wears Nardwuar: The world is wondering, Margaret about this last night. a ski mask when they go out in public? Cho, you made out with Anna Nicole Smith! Cho: I did, but I happened to be driving so I did- Cho: Oh, I can’t say that because, first of all, Cho: She’s great. She’s very soft. n’t… she’s already at my throat. Nardwuar: What was that like? Can you please Nardwuar: But you didn’t finish the story, like She’s gonna kill me… she’s gonna hit… she’s take me through it, like if I’m there? Please, you shit yourself, what happened after? Like, gonna cut… see we like Biggie and 2Pac, she’s Margaret Cho? how did you clean up the shit? gonna get me. [laughing] Cho: It’s like making out with a beautiful blond Cho: What happened was, I went home and I Nardwuar: You’ve even been talking shit about woman, which I think most people should do. was scared, because I didn’t know exactly what her. You’re even telling me about the ski mask! He has [points to Bruce] a couple times... have to do with myself, because I was standing in my Cho: [laughing] No, see she says I’m Biggie, you? foyer [laughing] and I said, “I don’t want to and she’s 2Pac, and, see, we used to rap togeth- Nardwuar: You’ve done the Anna Nicole know what’s down there. I don’t want to know. er and roll together back in the day. I don’t know thing? I don’t want to know,” and I just said, “Well, I what has been happening. She has lost her mind. Bruce Daniels: No, she just hugged me, and have to decide because I can’t just stand here.” I’m not really sure, but you know, whatever, then acted like we were best friends, and then So I can either go downstairs and just take that’s alright. It’s alright. didn’t talk to me for the rest of the party. everything, including my pants, off and throw it Nardwuar: Okay, Margaret Cho, you don’t Cho: She’s so nice though, but she’s really in the wash. I don’t know what’s gonna happen want to divulge that, but I wanna know a little beautiful, and you know, it’s just like kissing a with that. about Anna Nicole Shmi… woman. Nardwuar: Did you ring it out? I want some more detail. Did you ring it out? What was that revolution sort of theme for her act this had the same manager at the time as Michael going on, Margaret Cho? time; hmm… maybe Margaret Cho should try Jackson, and they were back stage very awk- Cho: Or should I take it and turn it inside out in some comedy in the jungles of South wardly, and he was showing them how to make the toilet like a diaper? America!”… Ba–boom! What about that joke? out with each other. And it was the weirdest Nardwuar: What about just throwing it out? Cho: Um… That’s a good joke. [laughs] Why thing. This gay man sort of thing. You put your Cho: That was my other choice. Then I thought would I… hand here. You put your hand here, and it was I could through it out but then, I don’t know. Nardwuar: Kind of jealous comedians. Kind of like an Arthur Murray dance class. Anyways, I still had to do the thing of taking off like, “Oh, she’s doing a Che Guevara thing. Nardwuar: How about Johnny Rotten or Henry my pants, that was the hardest thing. So when I Why doesn’t she go to South America?” Rollins, do you ever see them around? They took off my pants it looked like exactly like Cho: Oh, I don’t know. Why? [laughing] have great facial expressions, don’t they? Like, when you pull apart a peanut butter and jelly Nardwuar: “She’s on the revolution, Che tip, got any good Johnny Rotten or Henry Rollins sandwich. That’s what it looked like. like Rage against the Machine.” stories? Nardwuar: Ba–boom! Cho: Yeah but the Che tip, it’s just a stupid pun Cho: Well I saw Johnny Rotten at the premier of Cho: Ya, and then I spent about two hours in my on my name; [laughing] it’s not about being the film, the documentary about them. shower, trying to remove the scent of the dook- political. Nardwuar: The Filth and the Fury. ie from my bootie, and you know that’s not easy. Nardwuar: They were like, “Come on, let’s go Cho: The Filth and the Fury, which was really Nardwuar: What about wiping your bum? A to South America. Let’s duke it out. Let’s battle brilliant, but he was really angry for the friend of mine, one day, was walking home from Margaret Cho in the jungles, South America.” whole… there was a question and answer. He a party, suddenly had diarrhea and had to wipe Cho: That would be funny, if I went down there didn’t answer nothing. He would just glare at his ass with a Subway sandwich. That’s all that with some good Vancouver comedians, then we everybody. And Henry Rollins, I used to live was around, he was carrying a Subway sand- can have our own version of Survivor. Yeah, you really close by, like down the block from him. wich. gonna see who’s gonna live, okay, you gonna And I never did see him ever, but I know he Cho: Was it a six-inch or a twelve-inch, or see who, we will see? [laughing]. lived on my street. excuse me, a centimeter or was it… [laughs] I Nardwuar: You’re ready to battle them. Nardwuar: Did you have a favorite porn star at know they do it different here. Cho: Yeah, that would be really funny if you all? You’ve talked about male porn stars, how Nardwuar: It was a twelve-incher. He didn’t took a bunch of comedians and took them to the about famous female porn stars ? really have time to think about it, because he Amazon, and yeah, and you gonna see who is Cho: I love me some Houston. Oh, give me kinda just put it to his ass, and wiped his ass. gonna survive. some Kobe Tai any day. Kobe Tai is really good. Cho: Was there paper on? Nardwuar: Margaret Cho, let me try this joke I like Jenna Jameson. She’s really the superstar Nardwuar: I know… A lot of people when I tell on you. Margaret Cho, what’s good about and we all cry a tear for Savannah everyday. this story to are like; well don’t they usually gangs? Nardwuar: Greg Allman ruined her, right? have a serviette, a napkin, with the Subway Cho: They got your back, and… Cho: I don’t know who did, but I feel bad for sandwich? Nardwuar: No, they carpool! Savannah. I don’t know who ruined her. Cho: Yeah, exactly. Cho: They carpool. Savannah was self-destructive. I know that Nardwuar: He was so drunk, he just grabbed Nardwuar: Ba–Boom! Savannah had problems of her own, so it wasn’t the Subway sandwich and then did the “uh uh Cho: And they got your back. as if somebody came and did it someday. It was uh.” Nardwuar: How did I do on that one? How did like Savannah did Savannah, which was sad. Cho: What about that waxy paper? See, that I do on that one? Nardwuar: Margaret Cho, is there anything stuff don’t work. That would just scrape off. Cho: That was good. That was unexpected. else you want to add to the people out there at Nardwuar: He was just drunk! I guess he prob- Because what you did was you took a very sub- all? ably was like, “Oh, I’ll just use this,” so that’s urban reference and then a very urban reference Cho: I love Canada, I want to defect! what he used there, Margaret Cho. and you crossed it, you see! Nardwuar: And you love the lap dances you Cho: He could have saved the sandwich, that’s Nardwuar: You are the Margaret Cho, and, get in Canada too, right? From Ewan true. Margaret, looking at you, I love your facial MacGregor look-alikes in Toronto? Nardwuar: I know and he did it right on the expressions. You are so good! Cho: I do, I do, I love them in Remingtons… lawn, right in front of his landlord. Then he Cho: Thank you very much. ooooh… That boy, he was so young! I couldn’t almost got kicked out of the building the next Nardwuar: Like how do you, how do you do all believe it. It was like I was getting a lap dance day because the landlord saw him doing that. that? You are so good at that. from a child. Cho: Why didn’t he just go inside? Cho: I’m a big fan of samurai films. Nardwuar: Well, thanks so much, Margaret Nardwuar: Because he had to go, and you Nardwuar: Now speaking about facial expres- Cho. Keep on rocking in the free world and doot know Margaret Cho when you gotta go you. sions and stuff like that, Michael Jackson, have doola doot doo… Cho: You gotta go. There’s no way. you ever met “the Jackson.” Have you ever seen Cho: Doot doo…. “Funtasy Island.” “Funtasy!” Nardwuar: Now, Margaret Cho, on the way to him? Have you ever touched him? “Funtasy!” the airport here in Vancouver, British Columbia, Cho: No, but, you know what, I’ve seen him. I –Nardwuar Canada, I was talking to some local Vancouver was back stage when him and Lisa Marie were comics a little while ago and they were saying, kissing and my manager was showing them how “Margaret Cho’s coming to town and she has to kiss. I was somehow back there, because I 29 Shiftless When Idle Maddy

Who can jump onto a train going ninety miles an hour without being killed? (Perhaps this could be simulated.) Who can drink the most Milwaukee’s Best in two minutes? Greetings from the sun stroke Balboa, and Mr. Ponce de Leon! Then it was on to the wonder- capital of the world, Barcelona, We discovered the 26th annual fully named Untziketariak. Basque! where, after nearly fainting Force Basque competition! Several If you thought carrying ONE sack and/or dying from the heat hundred French Basque people sit- was hardcore, try carrying two jugs several times this afternoon, I ting around a jai alai court, waiting full of eighty pounds of sand – am going to attempt to write for the games to begin! (For the EACH! Oh, the humanity! The a vaguely coherent col- record, jai alai, as it is known in the competitors made the necessary umn! YES! This is the U.S., especially parts of Florida, is preparations – chalking up their part of the column a game that involves 1.) flinging hands, singing Basque songs, won- ABOUT writing the balls against a wall at speeds over dering what the hell they had gotten column! A level so 100 miles an hour, and 2.) almost themselves into, and then it began! low I had long hoped certain death.) Sadly, there was no Unlike the sack race, there was no I’d jai alai at this competition, but no official end to the jug race – the never matter, for we soon discovered that competitors just kept going until stoop the Force Basque competition was either 1.) they couldn’t stand it any- to it, far greater! more, or 2.) their arms fell off. Oh, and Six competitions involving tra- the pain! Oh the anguish, both yet, in ditional Basque peasant tasks, with physical and mental! Accompanied my tapas-and- four competing teams from four by a coach that ran alongside them, sun-inflicted madness, nearby towns! And the team mem- shouting “Allez! Allez!” (Go! Go!), here you have it. Oh, the bers were no ordinary men! These they began the treacherous ordeal. humiliation! Anyways, in men met and exceeded all stereo- Some of the men were clearly not short, I am not to be blamed types previously held for “strong up to the challenge, starting out at a Maddy for any momentary lapses of peasant men”! Several of them took ridiculously fast pace, only to reason in the next thousand or the phrase “barrel-chested” to a crumple to the ground twenty sec- so words, and if my column whole new level! And, they were onds later. No, this called for tech- abruptly ends after discon- anywhere in age from twenty to nique and concentration! Only one nected ramblings about how I sixty. Not just young jocks here! man had the necessary mental and never owned a huge trampo- So, let the games begin! “These physical stamina (Read: insanity) line, much to my regret, and people have struggled for years for to carry the jugs that, if I had owned said tram- independence!” yelled the 430 meters (about a quarter of a poline, I would have definitely announcer, a middle-aged man who MILE!) to victory! The crowd went put it next to a giant pool and appeared to be half-drunk and ram- crazy, yelling “Allez! Allez!” and jump from point T to point P, bled around the field constantly pounding on the bleachers! His assume that I am dead. forgetting that there was an actual coach walked alongside him, Okay, here we go! I’m sporting event occurring, to the reminding him to breathe! Punk! spending the last two weeks of point where people would have to Finally, after the aforementioned my summer in Paris travelling yell at him to stop talking so that an quarter of a mile, he threw down around with my boyfriend, leav- event could begin. Punk! the jugs, and emerged a champion! ing the confines of our one-room The games included: Soka Tira (This last sentence was designed to apartment to explore southern – the most amazing tug of war give you an idea of the ridiculosity France, Barcelona, and Tuscany! game I’ve ever seen – one huge guy of the announcer and in no way Punk! So, a few days ago, we on the end of the rope on either end, expresses the opinions of arrive in Pau, a town at the base of roped in and squatting, and then Razorcake management.) the Pyrennes, in southern France. eight or nine other guys on each Then it was on to Orga Yoko. After walking around, drinking side. An intense battle to the finish One of the greatest achievements of sangria, purchasing Basque libera- that left grown men sprawled on the human race (second only to the tion bumper stickers, and other the ground, palms aching! The invention of sour gummi soda bot- normal tourist activities, we were team called St. Jean Le Vieux was tles and the NEXT event), Orga ready to go out for dinner. But clearly the crowd favorite, and won Yoko works like this: a man stands then, we heard it. Incredibly loud easily. under a sheet of metal (held up by a Basque music being pumped from Then it was on to Zaculari, in wood beam). He has to raise a thir- loudspeakers at the bottom of which one man selected from each ty pound piece of metal from the Pau’s one huge hill! We had to team carried a 180 pound sack over ground and bang it against the check it out! his shoulders from one end of the metal sheet above his head. Sounds At the bottom of the hill, field to the other. easy enough? Well, the purpose of we made a discovery rough- A twenty-year-old upstart dom- the game was to see how MANY ly equivalent to the combined inated the race and made the crowd times you could do this in a ninety- 30 achievements of Columbus, go wild! second period. Yes! Many men started out fast and furious, only, as top of the huge hay bale and then However, I am not done yet, We could have Rev. Nørb be in the jug competition, to end up grabbing the pulley up high on the although my keyboard is now the announcer and recruit scene unable to lift anything, cursing rope and bringing it to the ground. soaked in Barcelona sweat and I elders to coach the young punks! god, man, and (Free Basque) coun- Then, when he released the rope can no longer tell if I am living or Felix Havoc could train competi- try. The best competitors had a when the bale had reached the top, dead! Because there is a moral to tors to tell the difference between steady pace, producing loud, even he quickly jumped up and grabbed be learned from the story! No, this ‘80s and ‘90s hardcore. Iggy Scam banging sounds for the full ninety the rope as high up as possible, is not the time for Biblical, could coach the train jumpers. Maddy seconds. The winner completed which sent him flinging up ten or Koranic, or MRRique proverbs! Paddy from Dillinger Four could Maddy eighty-seven lifts. (Note: please, twenty feet in the air, narrowly This is the time to suggest, to you, lead the drinking competitors. Just try this at home.) missing the huge bale of hay as it the reader, an entirely new direc- think of it! The creation of the next event, came crashing down to the tion for punk rock! Think about it. The Milwaukee scene would Lasto Altxari, will go down in his- ground! Insane! He did this each Why can’t we have our own Force have a clear advantage in the drink- tory as the high point of Western time, as the crowd went crazy! Punk competitions, basing the ing competition, but would fall civilization. Yes, it is downhill Basque antics! Punk rock! Sadly, games on traditional punk rock dreadfully short in the studs adhe- from here! This event is cooler one or two of the competitors real- activities? Scene versus scene in a sion event, where we’d get killed than skateboarding, bike riding, ized that there was roughly a fifty battle to the finish! by the Minneapolis punks! The and roller-skating COMBINED! percent chance of death-by-hay- Who can carry an amp the far- Bay Area punks, led by Iggy, could This event is so hardcore it makes bale in that technique, and decided thest? Who can wheatpaste the clearly jump the most trains, but Minor Threat and even, I dunno, to lower the hay bale slowly to the most flyers to a pole in ninety sec- might come up a little short when it the Mentors, look like Britney ground, as they stood as far away onds? Who can jump onto a train comes to carrying amps (I’ve seen Spears-influenced TRL guests! as possible. I think I spotted one of going ninety miles an hour without ‘em, and they’re a little scraggly- First of all, Lasto Altxari required a them wearing a Jets to Brazil being killed? (Perhaps this could looking!) The Westfield, truck with a pulley attached to it. patch. be simulated.) Who can drink the Massachusetts folks – where ‘80s Why? To simulate one of the most So, after a quick game of log most Milwaukee’s Best in two hardcore is huge – would destroy ancient peasant activities: using a sawing (cool, but nothing you minutes? Who can identify a real on the hardcore identification pulley to lift huge bales of hay into couldn’t see on ESPN at five in ‘80s hardcore band versus a current event, but they have nothing on the a barn. So, they attached a huge the morning), the games were over rip-off in three notes? Who can put power of the French wheat-pasting bale of hay wrapped up in plastic to and St. Jean Le Vieux was the the most studs in a jacket in three contigent! Oh, the opportunities! the pulley. Each competitor had to winner! The crowd applauded, the minutes? Not included will be: In fact, I think we should bug raise the hay bale up to the top of announcer stumbled around mum- Who can create the safest “safe Sean and Todd to sponsor the first the pulley and then bring it down bling something about the tradi- space”? and Who can eat the annual Force Punk competitions! again. Whoever did this the most tion of strong peasantry, and chil- LEAST meat possible in ninety Write your letter to the editor number of times in a two-minute dren ran onto the field to grab as seconds? This would havta be a today, demanding your right to period was the winner. Seems like many pieces of wood from the log Force Punk competition for only compete! Free Basque! Free Punk! a boring enough event, right? competition as possible. We had the most hardcore of hardcore – for Vive la Force Punk! Wrong, sir, wrong! The first com- seen the Force Basque and lived to those who routinely do stupid petitor started off by JUMPING on tell about it! things, preferably while drunk! ø ørb Love, Nørb Rev. N

DEAR READERS, LAST MONTH I WENT TO MY TWENTIETH-YEAR CLASS REUNION. AND PUKED ON MYSELF. DURING DINNER. I THINK. I DON’T REALLY REMEMBER. I WAS PASSED OUT MUCH OF THE TIME. I DUNNO.

Hail, if i’d a knowed people were actually doesn’t even have an arc on it, it’s just straight Sugar Smacks??]] as he BOINGed thru the reading this column, i woulda wrote better ta down the ol’ hypotenuse in a Favre-ian frozen desert)); that was the least of the movie’s con- start off with (no, i mean, seriously, why is it that rope to the backboard, ricocheting off the glass siderable woes. Not to put too fine a point on if one writes about some manner of issue one and into the basket, leaving everything a-shakin’ things, but i think i speak for all humanity when feels particularly impassioned about, it garners and a-rattlin’ in the aftermath – dude, i swear to i say WHAT the fucking FUCK was all this no reaction whatsoever; but if one is merely bab- God it’s like a fuckin’ laser beam or something. SHIT about BRUCE BANNER’S DAD??? Nick bling, prattling on about idle flummery merely Of course, if there are any observers present, i Fucking Nolte??? WHO FUCKING CARES??? to fulfill contractual obligation, et al, people revert to properly pathetic form: Truly am i This was even worse than the first Superman™ suddenly take notice? Like, i could be raving at streetball’s answer to Michigan J. Frog™} I movie, when they couldn’t keep Marlon the top of my metaphorical lungs about impend- mean, i can’t throw a baseball or a softball or a Brando’s fat grey-hairy ass off the screen for ing Armageddon, alien invasion, or the little football for shit. I’m fucking beyond pathetic. longer than five minutes at a crack ((i mean, man who lives in the six-point-five-dimensional Absolutely hopeless. I also can’t shoot a basket- after about an hour pointlessly spent document- universe parallel to our own and observes my ball from very far out – UNLESS, OF COURSE, ing Krypton’s demise, for no other reason than every move, waiting to STRIKE from his wacky I AM FLINGING IT SIDEWAYS, ONE- to give Brando more screen time, they finally land of backwards time flow and take my place HANDED, OVER MY HEAD, BLINDLY. Then blow the fucker and his entire planet up, and you in the stupid three-point-five-dimensional uni- i’m kinda okay! I must be part fiddler crab or think, okay, great, they finally got past the Jor-El verse i live in and ride my universe backward in something]. and Lara stage of things... but then the bastard time [for him, which is forward in time for us] so All of which cannot help but serve to bring keeps showing up in like hologram recordings he can hop back to his home universe after a few us to our first question, this one from a Ms. and shit! Endlessly! Night Of The Living Jor- decades and live his life over endlessly, AND Megan Pants of California, to wit: Have you yet, El!!! I mean, why the fuck didn’t they just call NO ONE WOULD PAY ATTENTION TO MY or will you ever, see the Hulk™ movie? Megan, the movie The Adventures of Jor-El and LOGICAL AND IMPASSIONED DIS- your answer is as follows: Yes [now, many of Friends? I mean, fuck, in the introduction, i COURSE. However, if i, having jack shit to you {well, some of you} {okay, NONE of you} think Christopher Reeve’s name didn’t come on write about one month, toss off a few idle para- may, at this very point in time, be noticing that i, the screen til AFTER Jor-El’s AND Lex graphs about shooting baskets, people wanna see Rev. Nørb, am boldly scuttling the previous for- Luthor’s AND the director’s did! I’m not even my hook shot? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU mat of this column, where the plethora – the sure he got billed above Margot Fucking Kidder, READING THIS GIBBERISH FOR, FOO? HUGE, HONKERIN’ PLETHORA – of letters f’r Chrissakes!!! He’s lucky to have gotten Within the course of one 72-hour period last seeking my sage counsel were printed in toto billed above Ned Beatty!!!)). I mean, WHY do week, not one but TWO different people came {joke’s yours, if you wanna}, followed by my these director assholes think anybody is really over to my house and asked if they could hold profound responses, genial discourse et al... paying to see a “name” actor in a supporting role my copy of Amazing Fantasy #15. Like, what well, fuck that shit, man. That made the column in movies of this nature??? Nick Nolte will play kinda pathetic tourist attraction have i look kinda... i dunno... fruity. TOO MUCH the Hulk’s dad??? Oh, THERE’S a box office become??? What exactly has my role in contem- WHITE SPACE! TOO MUCH ORDERLI- bonanza!!! THERE’S a fuckin’ main event!!! I porary punk rock society eroded to??? I run a NESS!! TOO MUCH TIME FOR THE READ- mean, these people making these movies have fucking comic book PETTING ZOO f’r ER TO COMPOSE THEIR THOUGHTS AND NO CLUE what people read superhero comic Chrissakes!!! [however, the hook shot is coming CHIP AWAY AT MY INSCRUTABLE books for. Class? Can you tell me what people along just fine, thank you very much, but i’m INSCRUTABILITY!!! FUCK WHITE read superhero comic books for? CLASS: PEO- rb still baffled as to how the hand knows where to SPACE!!! WHITE SPACE SUCKS!!! FUCK PLE READ SUPERHERO COMIC BOOKS ø throw the ball at. I mean, both my hand and the THE MAN!!! FUCK THE MAN!!! The kids FOR THE SUPERHEROS, REVEREND ball are completely out of my range of vision; don’t want your honkey establishment white NØRB!!! Why, YES. That’s EXACTLY correct. shouldn’t my shot be going wildly askew, bom- space, man! The kids want a riot of alphanumer- We go to see movies like The Hulk because we barding pigeons and windows and the occasion- ic characters jammed into every conceivable ori- want to see The Hulk, just like we go to see al stray priest as often as it hits the backboard? I fice a folded-over piece of newsprint has to movies like Godzilla because we want to see

Rev. N also don’t quite understand how i can go to a give!!! And, ‘pon my word, said riotous and Godzilla, or Giant Spider Invasion because we spot on a basketball court where it is completely pulpy orifice jamming is what they shall receive, want to see black VW Beetles with eight flailing physically impossible for me to even get the ball in spades and such!!! Never more shall the hydraulic appendages attempting to approximate anywhere near the basket with a traditional jump unwelcome brightness of white space darken my an invasion of giant spiders, and so forth. SO shot {like, maybe it’ll graze the bottom of the already dark dimension of verbiage!!! If trees WHY THE FUCK DOES IT TAKE BRUCE net on a bounce}, but if i shoot a hook shot from shall suffer, die, and be fatally mutilated that i BANNER FORTY FUCKING MINUTES TO that same spot that is way too far for me to shoot may spew pointless points re: the Hulk™ movie TURN INTO THE HULK, THEN??? I have in a regular shot from, i can overshoot the whole {it was a piece of shit, Megan. An utterly irre- hand my trusty, crusty copy of The Incredible backboard if i am feeling particularly mighty deemable piece of shit. I mean, i THOUGHT the Hulk #1, cover-dated May of 1962. Bruce that day. Like, is that normal? Or is my freakish problem was going to be the CGI Hulk. As it Banner changes into the Hulk for the first time bodily construction once again manifesting itself turns out, i was actually fairly okay with the by the middle of page five. Furthermore, page in curiously inscrutable fashion? {i’ve also got computer-generated Hulk ((although ol’ one is just a splash page, thus the story actually this cool jump hook from about Greenskin did kinda look like Hoppity begins on page two. Therefore, in the first three- 32 twenty feet out, where the ball Hooper™ or someone [[“Dig ‘Em™” from and-a-half pages of the story, they found room to introduce Bruce Banner, General Ross and babbling in dubbed English about the goddamn ((meanwhile, unbeknownst to General Ross, Betty, set up the antagonistic relationship “homework monster” or suchlike, and you’re some evil-doer is doing evil which the Hulk is between Banner and Gen. Ross ((Ross hates getting all fidgety and worried, thinking how the getting blamed for)), Hulk try to escape, Hulk Banner, thinks he’s a milksop)), set up the kid is gonna go fucking ballistic pretty soon if he see that the Evil Being Done poses a threat to Banner-Betty thing ((Betty’s sweet on Banner don’t see that goddamn giant lizard, and you Betty, Hulk stop escaping and fight Evil to save ‘cause he’s so smart)), have Banner get betrayed might not be far behind him. I mean, what are Betty, Hulk smash Evil but get captured by by a Russian spy, have Banner get exposed to these people thinking? That they’re filming Army, Hulk break free, Hulk plenty pissed, Hulk gamma radiation whilst saving Rick Jones The When Harry Met Sally or Doctor Zhivago or The almost smash General, Betty stop Hulk from Teenager ((thanks a ton Igor, ya lousy commie Graduate, but with a rampaging green behemoth smashing, Hulk go smash evil once and for all prick)), and instigate the initial Bruce-to-Hulk thrown into the mix for good measure? DUMB- despite puny humans with guns trying to hurt transformation. Three and a half pages! Yet, in ASS, WE ARE HERE FOR THE RAMPAGING Hulk, Hulk turn back into Banner. The End. I the movie, i actually had to already get up and GREEN BEHEMOTH AND THE RAMPAG- mean, more or less, THAT would’ve been a take my first piss before the Ang Lee brain trust ING GREEN BEHEMOTH ALONE!!! great movie. Instead, we have the “psychodra- could see their way clear to turn Banner into Shockingly unfair and unjust, i say!!! We wanna ma” of Nick Nolte, who looked more like the Hulk. Why? Nobody comes to see The Hulk in see the fucking HULK. We wanna see fucking amnesiac Sub-Mariner that time the Torch found hopes that they can see some sort of “thriller” GODZILLA. We wanna see KING FUCKING him on the Bowery ((Fantastic Four #4, also where some kid can’t remember his childhood KONG. Everybody else is just a plot device. The dated May 1962)) ((Fantastic Amazing Trivia because ((as it turns out)) his dad wound up characters don’t need to be more than, like, Fact: in Fantastic Four #5, the Torch ignites a killing his mom while trying to kill HIM. I shorthand ((or “archetypes” if you’re feeling copy of Hulk #1 to piss off the Thing, which,

mean, if you wanna make a movie like that, just particularly Jungian today)) for more fully-real- given that that comic book’d now fetch a price in call it I Can’t Remember My Childhood Because ized personii. We don’t need a fleshing out of the five figures, truly redefines the term “money My Dad Killed My Mom While Trying to Kill Me Bruce Banner’s character ((realistically, the only to burn”)) than any character i’ve ever seen or something. Why drag the Hulk into this whole superheroes who have intrinsically interesting grace the pages of The Incredible Hulk. And thorny fiasco? Hulk not care about puny human alter egii are Superman, Spider-Man, and what the fuck was up with that scene where with butcher knife, and Nørb not care either! It MAYBE Batman, and that’s being generous)) all Nolte goes to see Banner after the Army’s cap- was just like when i was a kid and Dino we need to know is that he’s a scientist WHO, tured him? That was like some bad College DeLaurentiis remade King Kong. We had the BY THE WAY, TURNS INTO THE FUCKING Alternative Theatre production you see in a thir- Rev. N whole neighborhood piled into the Bay Theatre, HULK, and is mildly resentful of the day-to-day ty-seat boiler room, where some senior thinks we were mental with anticipation, veritably shit he has to take as a matter of course. All we he’s written the great lost Samuel Beckett play, abuzz with excitement: “This is gonna be the need to know about General Ross is that he and the male lead is played by the drama profes- best shit ever! Giant ape crawlin’ up the World despises Banner for being a sissy, despises him sor, whose ludicrous overacting just serves to Trade Center, and jets shooting at him! Show us even more because his daughter likes him, and underscore why the guy teaches instead of acts ø

the ape, big daddy, show us the ape!!!” An hour mistrusts him because he suspects there’s a con- for a living. And that crap where the screen was rb later, we were still snoozing thru a bunch of shit nection between he and the Hulk. All we need to broken into little “panels” at times, presumably involving fags in pith helmets, legions of over- know about Betty is that she’s the General’s to evoke a comic booky visual mood, was com- choreographed natives, and some dizzy blonde daughter and likes Bruce, to her father’s chagrin, pletely asinine. I mean, one panel would show, who couldn’t spell her name right. If you’ve and all we need to know about the Hulk is that 1. like, a top view of a flying helicopter, and anoth- ever taken a little kid to a Godzilla movie, you Hulk will smash; 2. Hulk is the strongest one er one would show a side view of the same heli- know what i mean: Unconscionable amounts of there is; and 3. the angrier Hulk gets, the copter? Has anyone ever seen the same action time are spent introducing and fleshing out sec- stronger Hulk gets, and HULK – IS – represented from multiple points of view in a ondary characters whom nobody gives a rat’s ass ANGRY!!! I mean, that’s your movie, and it comic book, ever? ((other than, of course, two about anyway, and the kid wants to see a fucking shouldn’t take more than five or ten minutes to characters on separate ends of a phone conver- giant lizard breathing fire and fucking shit up, set that whole scenario up effectively. The next sation occupying the same panel, but separated not some Japanese dorks babbling in dubbed two hours, by rights, should be Hulk smashing by a jagged separation line [[all-time greatest English about the goddamn “homework mon- shit. Hulk smash, Hulk smash, Hulk smash, parody of this visual condition was from ster” or suchlike. And, in point of fact, YOU Hulk get captured by Army, Hulk break free, “Starchie,” the Archie™ parody that appeared in want to see a fucking giant lizard breathing fire Hulk smash, Hulk smash, Hulk smash, Hulk get Mad™ back when Mad™ used to be a comic and fucking shit up, not some Japanese dorks captured again by Army, Hulk break free book, where Starchie and the 33 Jughead character, “Bottleneck,” are talking on Hot Dog, Polish, Italian, and Bratwurst. FOUR! about my trip to Pittsburgh last month, but the phone, and Starchie asks Bottleneck where Obviously, that dude on the Pittsburgh Pirates, nobody asked] Cream of [Rhythm] Chicken he is, and Bottleneck pops his head thru the line after seeing three sausages and one Rev. Nørb soup??? Of COURSE he’s gonna high-tail it for and goes “I’M RIGHT ON THE OTHER SIDE depicted together, naturally assumed that i was Poland! DUH, why do you think he’s called the OF THIS JAGGED SEPARATION LINE, YA the fourth and final sausage, and was actually Rhythm CHICKEN, and not the Rhythm MORON!!!” or words to that effect. Uh... attempting to assassinate ME, REV. NØRB, Viking, or Rhythm Mercenary, or similarly maybe you’d hafta have been there]])) You ask when he cracked the Eye-talian Sausage over intimidating rhythmic moniker??? When the me ((and you have)), the cutesy-pie multiple the head with his bat during the traditional 7th going gets tough, get the cluck out of Dodge, panel shit in that movie has got more in com- inning Sausage Race at Miller Park, figuring baby!!! Of course, i, Rev. Nørb, being made of mon with cubism than comic book art, and you that he stood a 25% chance of success, and, sterner stuff, will work ceaselessly thru heck can quote me on that! I don’t know why you should he fail, another agent of evil would and high water to ferret out the true identity of would, but it would help me sound more pro- quickly take his place. THE ENEMIES OF this lowdown Hasenpfeffer-rustlin’ lop-eared found if you did! Also, as a final, vaguely-tan- REV. NØRB ARE AS PLENTIFUL AS varmint posing as the Rally Rabbit, and when i gible indicator of a concept i shall term “Thrill GRAINS OF SAND ON THE BEACH, AND do... goodnight Irene, or words to that effect! Density,” let the record show that when Star AS VICIOUS AS A TWO-PECKERED BILLY Our fourth letter comes from Adam Miller, Wars™ was adapted to comic book form, it GOAT IN HEAT!!! QUICKLY!!! SEND IN of Mill Creek Boulevard in Mill Creek, took six complete issues to tell the story. The THE BODY DOUBLE!!! ENCASE ME IN A Washington, who writes: “Here’s my question: Hulk movie adaptation fits into one double- VERITABLE EXO-SKELETON OF BARRY Can you tell me what happened to KRK of sized comic book. If we arbitrarily set the Thrill BONDS-LIKE ARMOR!!! HE HATES THESE Flipside zine fame?” Sure can, Adam. He’s the Density of Star Wars™ at 1.0, it follows that the CANS!!! HE HATES THESE CANS!!! Rally Rabbit. Thrill Density of The Hulk would be 0.333, Actually, i’m not at all worried, as long as the Our fifth and final letter this issue comes since the story could be told in one-third the Pittsburgh Pirate next sent to fatally brain me dee-rect from The Hole – which, although it amount of comic books as the Star Wars adap- with a baseball bat is the newly-acquired Jose sounds like a prototypical sweltering and tation occupied. The math is there, ma’am, the Hernandez; that guy couldn’t hit the fucking unventilated Texas punk venue, is actually deep math is there!}, then die they shall – but for Sta-Puft™ Marshmallow Man with a club the within the bowels of the Pennsylvania

THE KIDS DON’T WANT YOUR HONKEY ESTABLISHMENT WHITE SPACE, MAN! THE KIDS WANT A RIOT OF ALPHANUMERIC CHARACTERS JAMMED INTO EVERY CONCEIVABLE ORIFICE A FOLDED-OVER PIECE OF NEWSPRINT HAS TO GIVE!!!

pussy slacker white space, die shall they not! size of the Sears Tower. Actually, i think the Department of Corrections in Albion, Also, i don’t like how there’s always a space Pirate was just trying to be helpful: He had Pennsylvania! Our correspondent, Joseph B. after the end of my ellipsises. Like, it should go heard them playing “Blitzkrieg Bop” at baseball Mazer, writes about an interesting quirk of fate WORD, DOT, DOT, DOT, WORD, with no games these days, and thought he would prod whereby he and a fellow inmate, after breaking spaces in between the dots and the words... got things along down the logical path towards the some manner of prison straight edge via illicit it???]. next cut on the album – “Beat on the Brat” – consumption of cell-brewed wine, are appre- Anyway, sorry about the one-word answer, except i reckon he thought it was “Brat” as in hended [something about his buddy taking a Megan, but i’ve got a lot of questions in the ol’ “Bratwurst” that he was supposed to beat with leak out in the exercise yard] and chucked into mail scrotum to get to and miles to go before i the baseball bat [the fact that he struck the Eye- “The Hole,” which is, for all intents and pur- sleep, so let’s get to our second question, from a talian sausage instead of the Bratwurst is prob- poses, one more hole than i’ve found myself Mr. Dan Glenn Fury, from Parts Unknown. Dan ably due to the fact that any team that would embroiled in over the course of recent months. writes: Is it a coincidence that one of sausages trade Kenny Lofton and Aramis Ramirez for the Joe, as a dutiful lay scientist, has made the fol- you were pictured with in issue #15 was hit by aforementioned Jose Hernandez is likely not lowing observations: “Now (in the hole) I have a major league baseball player? COINCI- stocked to the gills with brain surgeons] [fur- plenty of time to masterbate (sic) and play with DENCE??? Hardly, Dan, hardly!!! It’s not a ther, it was not lost on me that the occupant of my testicles (in the name of science, of course) COINCIDENCE, it’s a CONSPIRACY!!! Look the sausage that the guy bashed was a twenty- and during one of my explorations, I made a closely at the photo of me with the Klement’s year-old woman. I mean, that makes the striking discovery! I was just sitting here Sausages in issue #15 [OKAY! Not so closely sausage a transvestite, i think, so the guy should (naked) and I noticed that my testicles seem to that you notice the haircut. About every ten probably be charged with a hate crime. As it have a life of their FUCK THE STAFF! own! years, i try to grow out my hair into a Beatle stands, he got off with like a $400 fine or some- Yes, it’s true! With my hand cupped (oh so gen- ‘do, with predictably ludicrous results. You will thing – which, i suppose, is enough of a deter- tly) under my scrotum with only enough pres- be happy to know that i’ve deep-sixed the Little rent to put the kibosh on any fanciful notions i sure to reduce the weight of hanging, I found

rb Dutch Boy look {although i do still occasional- might have of beating the meat in Miller Park]. that my testicles tended to... to... to pulsate! Not

ø ly pop my finger into a dyke, just to see if i’ve Anyway, Dan, thanks for the letter! like at 300 RPMs, but maybe two. At first I was still “got it”} for something more akin to a mul- Our third letter of devotion and inquiry was scared, maybe there was some not before seen let, the only haircut with any integrity these actually lost by pure incompetence and slipshod alien living inside my scrotum, but when it days {has anyone but me actually gone into a housekeeping on my part, but the question was failed to eject itself from my body I felt a little barbershop and ASKED for a mullet by name? phrased something like “oh my goodness, Rev. more at ease. Which leads me to why I’m writ- They always pretend they don’t know what Nørb, we have heard rumors of an impostor ing... why do my testicles do this?” And, of Rev. N you’re talking about... like that would be Rally Rabbit making the rounds at Brewers course, he signs the letter “Pulsating in Prison, BENEATH their dignity or something. “Mullet? games, a Rally Rabbit with – as Michael J. Fox Joe Mazer.” Well, first off, Joe, congratulations Mullet? Hmmm... not sure I know what that with Elvis – no Rhythm Chicken in him! Can at somebody finally sending in a sensible letter. is...” It’s like, listen, woman, you’re a chain- this possibly be true???” First off, i apologize It is exactly your type of truth-questing Young smoking raspy-throated barstool mama who lustily to the querent for losing his or her letter Scientists that i had hoped i could share my vast dispenses eight-dollar haircuts, likely just to or e-mail. As for whether the new Rally Rabbit stockpile of Scientific Knowledge with thru the pass the time during hangovers. DO NOT FOR is or isn’t the Rhythm Chicken, well, DUH. Of machinations of this column. That said, i’ve ONE SECOND think i believe you don’t know COURSE it’s not the Rhythm Chicken! been sitting with my hand under my balls for what a mullet is. Now make with the stylin’ Milwaukee is a tough place, man! Who the hell the last five minutes, and i have NO FUCKING coif, lest the absence of same cause me to lose wants to cavort and frolic in a ballpark where, CLUE what the fuck you’re talking about. I did, my temper and partake in a series of childish any minute, some bat-wielding steroid monkey eventually, come to sense a certain scrotal echo- neutral drops in yo’ parking lot!}]. How many might run out of the dugout and start walloping ing of the pulsations of my brain – like, my Klement’s Sausages do you see? That’s right. your head into Campbell’s™ [note how i clev- brain would throb, and then a split-second later THREE. Now, how many Klement’s Sausages erly tie in Warhol iconography with his home- i’d catch [presumably] the tail end of the blood- 34 are there, total? Hmm... let’s see, town’s baseball team! Slick, huh? I’d tell you surge working its way thru the nether regions – but as far as pulsations independent of the Main italia got... ummm... somewhat larger, and mea- LOOKED at the beer, to see if anything was Coronary Throb go, you’re on your own on that surably more surly [i don’t really think i gained really callin’ my name. Nothing was, so i got one, Cool Hand Luke. I can say with some assur- anything in the transaction; i suspect that maybe back in the car empty-handed, and exclaimed, ance, however, that your fears of alien life forms said anatomical gizmos got smaller and more for no particular reason other than perhaps to embedded in your testicles are groundless – placid when i started drinking. I’m not sure. hear myself say it, that “i think i kinda quit there are no such things as aliens, except for We’re not always on speaking terms]. Like, The drinking again, maybe,” to which Dirt Bike Supernova, and one presumes that, regardless of Creature is stirring. And it’s saying shit like Adam innocently responds “yeah, I heard that how big your cajones have grown during the no- “Feed me, fuckhead! Feed me!” And i’m just some girl drove you to drink. Sorry about that doubt exciting and culturally diverse activities trying to keep my distance, as best i can, because shit, man.” ...are you familiar, Joe, with the sec- you have been a part of as a moonshine-swilling i don’t really want any trouble [i’ve been think- tion of “Leader of the Pack” by the Shangri-Las registered guest of the Commonwealth of ing of maybe just dumping a can of tuna down where the dude crashes his bike, where they go Pennsylvania Department of Corrections, if my shorts and running, but what happens when “LOOKOUT LOOKOUT LOOKOUT LOOK- Supernova were lurking around your sack, you’d The Creature finds out it’s been duped?]. All i OUT!” and there’s a simulated skid sound, and know it, because they’d probably have some tin- know is that i have an engorged, pissed-off dick then a big quasi-collision, where it sounds kinda foil in there [there are, however, mysterious that has shaken off the last vestiges of the tran- like a bowling alley would sound if they had car- organisms in the six-point-five-dimensional quilizing fluids i had been constantly pumping buretors and tailpipes where the pins should be? reverse-twin universe who are observing your through it for the last two and a half years, and it Well, dangit, Joe, THAT’S the sound i heard! every move, and waiting to KILL YOU. But is not likely to go easy on any that might have And, once again, it was purely metaphorical they would not manifest themselves in mere the misfortune of crossing its path. I am unsure (shit, i can’t believe my luck)! I mean,

three-dimensional forms such as testicular exactly what put the notion into my noggin that NOBODY EVER SAID THAT TO MY FACE invaders; their actual forms would be quite it would be a good idea to quit drinking again, BEFORE. Well, he didn’t really say it to my unknowable to we Earth chumps, as they only but i think it happened towards the end of a face, he said it to my windshield, but, i mean, exist in dimensions 5 thru 11, and will eradicate twenty-four oz. bottle of MGD i was drinking shit, what’s a man’s windshield but an extension us utterly without warning when it is in their best whilst driving down to see my mom in Madison of his face, anyhoo? Yeah, it was like, DUDE, interests to do so]. Actually, maybe you should last Sunday afternoon [look, man, if you’re actu- DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE RULES Rev. N run a quick tinfoil check, if you’ve got nothing ally drinking bullshit like MGD, you OBVI- OF ENGAGEMENT HERE??? THAT IS else to do, which i assume to likely be the case. OUSLY have a bit of a problem]. Somewhere SOMETHING WHICH IS IMPLICIT BUT Grab your scrotum firmly in one hand, and towards the bottom, i decided that alcoholism NOT EXPRESSED OUTRIGHT!!! God crush. Does it feel like you’re crunching up tin- was really a lot of fucking work, and that i real- dammit Adam, YOU PANTSED THE EMPER- foil in there? If so, we may have to defer to the ly ought to call up Joe King for valuable insights OR!!! It was at that moment of momentous

Cynot 3 Ask-A-Nurse™ program. If you only into my condition. It was at this point that the Shangri-La epiphany when the fateful decision ø felt things pop and rupture, you’re good. I, flashing lights and sirens went off – and, once i was made: I am not drinking any more, because rb myself, am a bit overdue for my weekly tinfoil realized that they were only metaphorical in i fucking FLATLY REFUSE TO BE DRINK- self-test, but that is because i, Rev. Nørb, seem nature, i decided it might not be completely ING BECAUSE OF A CHICK. I fucking WILL to have stopped drinking, again. Now, you’re unwise to perhaps lay off the sauce for a while. NOT HAVE IT!!! I do not need third party ven- saying, “But Rev. Nørb! How could alcohol Approximately forty-eight hours into my latest dors driving me to drink!!! I AM PERFECTLY intake, or lack thereof, somehow affect your tilt with sobriety – that is to say, only far enough CAPABLE OF DRIVING MYSELF TO ability to properly discharge your testicular tin- into things that a Tuesday night beer would’ve DRINK!!! AND HOME AFTERWARDS!!! foil self-inspection duties? Is this some lame rendered Sunday afternoon’s decision essential- MAYBE!!! Therefore, i now am officially on the hoax on a par with ‘the dog ate my homework,’ ly irrelevant – i was hauling sundry members of wagon, until such a time that i feel i can resume which you intend to use to justify your slacker Dirt Bike Annie [“the best live band in the drinking again without having the glory of insti- loafing and indolent refusal to crush your scro- world”] on a beer run [whilst listening to my gating such a blessed event shanghaied by some tum weekly?” Well, yes and no. Basically, i New Favorite Local Or Maybe State Band Who horn-swogglin’ hussy!!! Although frankly, as haven’t had a drink for about eight days [oooo! Are Not The Leg Hounds, the Rumours, and usual, i think i took the drinking thing as far as i Eight whole days! Oooooo! Regale us with fur- wondering if it would be cooler to talk them IN could go with it, wringing every drop of ludi- ther tales of your steely resolve, Rev. Nørb!], to calling their first album Fleetwood Mac or crous Pabst™ pathos from it as my moistened and, also in the name of Science, i noticed that, talking them OUT of it], and, as they purchased state would allow: Dear readers, last month i after about the first seventy-two hours, my gen- their eighteen-pack of Budweiser, i kinda went to my twentieth-year class 35 reunion. And puked on myself. During dinner. salient drunken caper i have yet to pull – one the other. I mean, who is gonna fuck up their I think. I don’t really remember. I was passed merry, Pabst-fueled prank that The Fool has yet own house sober? Likely not me, Joe – unlike out much of the time. I dunno. My intentions to effect – ONE LAST GREAT DUMB you, my balls are not large enough to accom- were benign: I walked over to a former class- THING DUMBER THAN ALMOST ALL MY modate strange alien beings from Cynot 3 who mate’s house, ‘cause i knew he wasn’t going to OTHER DUMB THINGS [except perhaps for can do the thing where they spin the guitar the reunion [i’d never been to one, but My the weekly tinfoil inspection, no wonder my around their bodies, no sir – ergo no drinkee, Friend Stan {clever Slade reference to a song cock hates me] THAT I’VE DONE: no paintee. THEREFORE! In the interests of off the Old, New, Borrowed and Blue album, Somewhere right after the Drinking of the Beer democracy! In the interests of lunacy! In the which is, therefore, an even cleverer Dirt Bike and the Smoking of the Pot, i was looking at a interests of the Krylon™ Spray Enamel Co.! I Annie/Kung Fu Monkeys reference} said to copy of The Jam’s In the City 45, and thought will hereby put the state of my sobriety to pub- start going starting with the twenty year that, y’know, my house – being a worl’ famous lic vote! Somewhere within these pages shall reunion, because everybody has pretty much Lustron™ home and all – has an exterior made lurk – i hope – [this column is already over given up being “cool” and you can pick up up of square shapes, kinda like that subway sta- three hours late as it is] – a ballot! And, aye, Rev. N chicks] [i think that last part only works if tion wall that The Jam spray-painted their logo this ballot shall determine whether i, Rev. you’re not covered in your own vomit by eight on for their first album cover. As a homeown- Nørb, resume drinking once more [and, pre- PM], and he, i, and another old crony started an er, i have a right – nay, almost a DUTY – to sumably, get crocked enough to spray paint old high school ritual we called the Drinking of fuck up my house in any manner that amuses “The Jam” on my own house as a result], or

the Beer. This led to another ritual we called me. And, god dammit, right now, it would walk the straight and narrow TFN. It’s kinda ø

The Smoking of the Pot. This led to a brand- amuse me to SPRAY PAINT THE JAM LOGO like voting whether that fucking rabbit should rb new ritual we call The Ordering Of The Guitars ACROSS MY FUCKING HOUSE!!! Alas, the get his measly bowl of Trix™ or not, except With The Credit Cards [i wound up, later in the moment could not be seized: I had white sort of even more pathetic, because The Crowd week, with a silver Epiphone Les Paul Junior Krylon™ Spray Enamel in the shed, Blue- are not likely to write a song about me, ever on my doorstep. Eh, i coulda done worse]. By Green Krylon™ Spray Enamel in the shed, and [but if they did, i’d want it to be called “Nørbie the time i was dropped off at the reunion – in Fluorescent Pink Krylon™ Spray Enamel in is a Surf Rocker”]. One lucky entrant will win my ripped-up, grimy jeans, and my stinky the shed, but – shucky darn! – the shed was copies of all three of the fab and gear Leg “Shellac Tech” gym top – i was staggering and searched, and no black Krylon™ Spray Hounds CDs! One less lucky entrant will win incoherent. I don’t remember much else, until Enamel was to be had. However, i’m virtually copies of both the Rev. Nørb solo CDs! One the part where i woke up and puked on my leg. certain that it was meant to be my life’s work to hapless schmuck will win four or five Boris the I remember bits and pieces after that, mostly spray paint “THE JAM” across the tiles of my Sprinkler CDs! Facsimiles not accepted! Ballot trying to kick the bright orange puke off of my dwelling. Further, being off the sauce and all, i box stuffing encouraged! Send your completed frayed pants leg while talking to girls, and my now realize that the likelihood of me achieving ballot to REV. NØRB’S CAVALCADE OF ex-girlfriend introducing me to her [legitimate] my life’s dream of defacing my own home with WHIMSY, POB 1173, GREEN BAY WI 54305 rocket scientist husband, who shot me the most spray paint doesn’t stand much of a chance of USA EARTH. Keep those cards ‘n’ letters gloriously disgusted look ever shot my way. I coming to glorious idiotic fruition unless i can coming, folks! The fate of the Pabst™ brewery guess he works on the Saturn V. I kept asking somehow convince myself to put one [of sev- is in your hands!). Oh well. him if he knew Orbit. It was great. HOWEV- eral] longneck bottles of Pabst™ in one hand, ER! BE THAT AS IT MAY, there is still ONE and a can of black Krylon™ Spray Enamel in –Love, Nørb LazyLazyLazy MickMickMick

SMOGTOWN R.I.P. did my grocery shopping butted up Music hadn’t felt this important Polluter, and Smogtown was born. NO MORE WAVES against Hawthorne, the inland since I was a kid listening to Devo They put out a bunch of demos The first time I heard tract-housing suburb that gave and The Ramones on my wannabe (now available on Disaster as Tales Smogtown was in 1999, sometime birth to the fucking Beach Boys Walkman while delivering news- of Gross Pollution); recorded some after the release of Beach City when I was just a twinkle in my papers. This was music that took singles, including the excellent Butchers their 7-song CD split father’s eye. Suddenly Southern my imagination to places it could- “Audiophile” on Hostage Records; with the Teenage Knockouts. California was starting to resonate n’t get to on its own, music that and appeared on some comps. Retodd pushed them on me and, in unexpected ways and made my body go spastic, music They played with a handful of after a couple of listens, I was Smogtown was the soundtrack. that demanded instant and imme- local OC/SB bands, a group they hooked. Sludgy guitars, snappy I can’t say for certain when or diate annihilation by weed, dubbed the New Beach Alliance. drums, tense bass lines and a where I saw Smogtown for the first whiskey, whatever means neces- Brash, bratty, and belligerent, singer who used his voice as an time, but I’m pretty sure it was a sary. I turned all my friends on to Smogtown launched a New Wave instrument. It was like listening to show with the Stitches and The the band and with knowing nods of suburban Southern California early Dead Kennedys or TSOL. Pushers at Club Mesa in Costa and whispered assertions we punk. There was nothing slick about Misery. Tweakers, punks, cons, agreed Smogtown was different If Beach City Butchers expos- them. The more I listened, the alcoholics and people with funny from other bands, they might even es California’s false promises, more I heard. Storylines emerged. ideas about race mixing stood be – Ssshhh! Don’t say it! – spe- Führers of the New Wave – Themes were repeated within the around and bad-eyed each other. cial. Smogtown’s epic, full-length songs and throughout the record- Skinheads worked the door. A debut – targets the lie. The record- ing. Mexican meth dealer rolled up to EYES MELT, ing is more ambitious, the songs The opening track, “Bad the club on his BMX bike, tapped SKIN EXPLODES, more sophisticated. The narrative Vibrations,” is the antithesis of the on the glass, and moved his mer- EVERYBODY DEAD possibilities introduced in Beach Boys vapid cheer that chandise. Slender girls with shitty Butchers are developed in Führers became a sound-byte for southern tattoos and dangerous smiles suck- Smogtown emerged from a into a full-on concept album with a California “culture” and propagan- ered boys into buying them drinks South County band called Vader’s story as rich and complex as a da for corporations like so their newly paroled ex- Crank. The name comes from their movie. (Chavez copped the idea Disneyland, the aerospace industry boyfriends would have an outlet geek-stoner fascination with the for a punk rock concept album and real estate developers. But the for their bottled violence. It was a meth Darth Vader might have from Jesus Christ Superstar. picture Smogtown paints isn’t so good old-fashioned punk rock made to finance the Empire’s war Seriously.) It’s about a nasty bunch rosy: hellhole. against the rebels. (Science fiction of boys in a band called the Their set was short, brutal, conspiracy theory or eerie pre- Führers who are the cancer of sub- When you get home intense. Tim McVeigh rattled off a science? Hmmmm…) Someone urban Surf City. They party with your wife declares mid-tempo beat, not too fast, not spun out and the band broke up. I bulimic models and kidnap Casey Have you seen your daughter too slow, martial but minimal. don’t know all the details, but if Kasem, demanding airplay and a and the clothes she wears? Chip Beef laid down the bass lines, you’re ever at the Doheny Saloon long black limousine. The Führer’s She’s living her the skeleton that supported and you see a big guy wearing a battle cry is an ode to street vio- California dream Guitardo’s muscular distortion and sawed off denim jacket with lence. Bodie 601, a Big Brother- Experimenting with frenetic fuzz. Chavez barked the Vader’s Crank on the back, buy esque entity, vows to run them out methamphetamine. lyrics, his voice the fastest noise in him a beer and he’ll tell you the of town by blasting them with radi- the mix. The bouncers formed a whole story. Guitardo was in an ation. Each of the songs tells a I had just moved to the South bald wall, hedging the revelers in instrumental death metal band and chapter in the story. The last song Bay. My apartment had a view of the pit. Plastic tankards of beer some of those songs have worked serves as a coda of sorts by repeat- the ocean and was across the street went airborne every sixty seconds their way into the Smogtown cata- ing the album’s themes and reveal- from my favorite bar. I was dig- or so. Guitardo wandered around log. Guitardo, Tim and Chavez ing the fate of the characters and ging the whole beach scene. I was the stage, wanting to go farther grew up in the San Clemente/San how they all fit together in the about a mile from the spot in than his cord would let him. Juan Capistrano area, beach kids story. The songs are told from var- Hermosa Beach where Black Flag Chavez pounded beers between who surfed and skated together. ious points of view. In “I am the unleashed the second wave of LA songs. Halfway through the set he Chavez comes from a military Cancer” the Führer’s taunt their punk. I skated on the strand where was demanding more beer, and family and was born on an island arch-nemesis. Bodie 601 replies Keith Morris was so heavy, man. weed after the show. Tim banged that was home to a radar tracking with a Weirdos-esque broadcast to The sounds of South Bay punk his sticks together as if to say, station. Guitardo’s family is deeply the citizens of surf city insisting rock (Pennywise, 98 Mute) blasted “Enough bullshit, let’s go!” and religious, and his mom regularly they will “Kill this New Wave out of pick-up trucks and surf wag- they blasted out another song. It purged his punk rock records from dead.” ons along Highland Avenue. I felt like a DC-10 was taking off in the house. Chip, by all accounts, At first it all sounds a bit could imagine Raymond the pit. Everyone knew the words. was the last piece of the puzzle, campy, like the outtake from Repo Pettibon’s punk rock propaganda On second thought, maybe it Fag Rabbit’s former bassist who Man that opens the album. But posters defacing the telephone wasn’t Costa Misery. Maybe it was would only join the band if the beneath the Führer’s bravado poles buzzing in the marine layer. Anaheim. Or Long Beach. Or boys got their shit together. They (“Knock out my teeth? I didn’t Hollywood. It doesn’t matter. need them anyway”) is a bleak 38 The Ralphs where I got a van, dubbed it the Gross punk was so reviled even Hollywood punk rockers tried to keep it out by giving it another name: hardcore. But beach punk proved to be as virulent as it was violent and it spread fast and far. Long after it died out in other parts of the Southland, it continued to thrive in Orange County. Now, TV shows like The OC (which, incidentally, was filmed not in OC but PV) want us to believe the county is a playground for rich playboys. It’s not. They don’t want us to know it’s a different story outside the shopping malls and gated communities. They don’t want us to dwell on the fact that white kids are minorities at many OC schools. (The county is ethnically diverse; the communities are not.) They don’t want you to know that the county sup- plies a disproportionate amount of California’s white prison population. Or that 122 hate crimes were filed in Ray Chavez Guitardo 2001. Or that a Filipino man reported being assaulted behind a 99-cent store in Huntington Beach by a trio of fourteen-year-old skate- boarders who carried pipes in their waistbands and shouted white power slo- gans. Bad vibrations indeed. This is and isn’t the place Smogtown describes in their songs, but it would be fool- ish to say they’re holding a mirror up to society (they can find better uses for those). In those final days of the 20th century, Smogtown seemed to be on a mission to annihilate the strangely per- sistent illusion of endless fun under the warm California sun that the Weirdos, Adolescents, Black Flag, the Crowd and all their vicious offspring couldn’t kill off. Smogtown’s second and last full-length, domesticvio- lenceland, is a lot faster than Führers. The opening track pins your ears back. If Disneyland is the happiest Tim McVeigh All of these pictures: Rick Bain Chip Beef place on earth, domesticvio- portrait of the domestic nightmare Judy’s mom called the cops- lenceland is a place where SURF CITY CANCER that spawned them. They come somewhere around 9 am rat-infested palm trees shoot out of from nuclear meltdown families She’s worried sick so she vacant lots choked with abandoned The Southern California shopping carts, and an aura of sup- where kids sell cocaine in school- called her ex-husband and species of punk rock has always yards and slut around town while He met with a Detective pressed violence lurks in the sub- been perceived as something of an urbs and on the freeways, wherev- mom keeps her blind eye fixed on named Officer Stone anomaly. When punk rock first a crucifix and dad stresses about And said, “You find my baby, er people are boxed in. It acknowl- appeared out of the smog, purists edges the paranoia of boundaries his commute. There’s no waffling. bring her home!” from London to New York and The lyrics are intense and precise. compromised, divisions blurred everywhere in between sneered. where bad vibrations abound and Smogtown packs more drama in a But it’s too late for Judy. The LA was paradise on earth. What single verse than an entire movie Führers drugged her and dumped you can get your skull cracked the hell could they possibly be open anywhere anytime. of the week. her body in the Santa Anna River. mad at? The beach city strain of The staples of the Smogtown empty club, it was a full-on punk-rock worldview are in evidence: the endur- all-star audience with members of the ing fascination with surf nazi shtick Briefs, Mad Parade, Manic Hispanic (“Straight Off Adolf”), California as a and all the Real Mackenzies. The bar- place of broken dreams (“Manifest tender put out a bucket of beers for the Destinoid”) and campy sci-fi band, Chavez distributed the rest to the (“Neutron Blonde”). But instead of audience, and then they blew the doors focusing on telling a story, they ham- off the place. mer you over and over again with The worst show was earlier this edgy descriptions of everyday subur- year at the Martini Lounge. Guitardo ban duplicity. was shipwrecked. The guitar strap kept coming off mid-song and Guitardo tried Mom’s on a bender to hold the guitar in place and keep This daddy’s not mine playing, but then he’d pull a Jimi So we’ll just pretend Hendrix and it would all fall apart. Chip And get middle class high and Tim soldiered on but Chavez was pissed. Toward the end of the set It’s like the scene in Repo Man Chavez pushed him off the stage and where Duke blames society for his fate stomped on him in the pit (even at their as he lay dying on the convenience dysfunctional worst Smogtown was store floor. But Otto doesn’t buy it, always entertaining). The crowd picked and reminds Duke he’s “a white sub- Guitardo up and put him back on stage. urban punk.” Duke’s famous last When he got back to his mic he said, words, “But it still hurts,” were true “What? Isn’t that how it goes?” He just then and it’s true now. Just another had no clue. Incredibly, they played casualty of domesticviolenceland. another song – “Suicide” – and Guitardo held it together long enough to NEW WAVE salvage the show – barely. But the story MELTDOWN doesn’t end there. Chavez told me a few weeks later at the Doll Hut that, while But the release of domesticvio- they were driving home, he and lenceland came at a bad time for Guitardo got into an argument over LA/OC punk rock. Within a short peri- something stupid like a cigarette lighter od Al’s Bar, Linda’s Doll Hut and and Guitardo ended up kicking Chavez Club Mesa shut down. Staggering in the back of the head and cracking the blows all. You couldn’t just go to the He’d jumped off the stage when no one was expecting windshield of a mini-van they’d bor- punk rock bar on a random night and it and landed on his back right at my feet. He’s pissed rowed from a friend because the GP was luck into a good show anymore. You in the shop. Chavez ended up with lock- had to do what kids in the rest of himself a little and you can see the stain on his jeans. jaw and a concussion, but no hard feel- America did: seek it out. But what you can’t tell from the picture is that he’s ings. They played an awesome set at the The best thing about living in the still playing. That’s Guitardo. There isn’t a stage big Doll Hut that night on a bill with South Bay was that it pushed enough for him. photo by Money Broken Bottles, but it was starting to Hollywood out of the center of my feel like the beginning of the end. frame of reference. People were always telling speed, depending on who you wanted to When I heard the news they’d broken up me how far away I lived, as if LA County believe. Chavez told me, “We always ask him earlier this summer, I just shrugged my shoul- ended at the airport. But in truth I started going before the show if he’s okay. When he says, ‘I ders. Oh well. Fun while it lasted. Standard OC to more shows than ever. I could get to Long don’t know,’ we freak out.” I have a photo of punk dilemma. Their critics will say it’s no big Beach faster than I could get to Hollywood, and Guitardo I took at the Flipside benefit at the loss: they didn’t play out often enough, and pretty soon I was prowling OC bars and clubs, Garage. He’d jumped off the stage when no one they never toured. But given the way they live too. Hucklebuck would call me up and tell me was expecting it and landed on his back right at their lives it’s a miracle they lasted as long as about a show and off I’d go. I went every- my feet. His guitar strap is in his face, which is they did. A more “professional” band might where: from the Galaxy to the Garage, Downey so red it’s practically purple. He’s pissed him- have found new members and kept going, but to Doheny, Headline Records to the Hollywood self a little and you can see the stain on his I’m glad they didn’t. Some bands go through so House of Blues. I missed as many shows as I jeans. There are hands reaching into the frame many line-up changes they are little more than saw, and while I didn’t go to as many as the to help him to his feet. But what you can’t tell a name, an ego and a rotating crew of cast-off South County Smog City Wavers, I probably from the picture is that he’s still playing. That’s musicians – a band in name only, a parody of saw Smogtown more times than anyone else Guitardo. There isn’t a stage big enough for their former selves. Chavez swore to me one living north of the curtain. him. drunken night in Downey what seems like eons Smogtown was famously unreliable. They Going to see Smogtown was a crapshoot. ago that he would never let that happen to cancelled shows with alarming frequency. Fans Will I make it on time? Will they show up? Will Smogtown. of the band learned to hang out in the parking the sound be okay? Will they be too You haven’t heard the last of Smogtown. lot and wait for visible evidence of the Gross drunk/stoned/sketched/pilled-up to play? TKO is going to release some new material Polluter before shelling out money for the When it all came together they played some of before the end of the year, and there are rumors cover or risk being assed out again. The Gross the most memorable sets I’ve ever seen. The that some of the members are starting another Polluter would break down. A shitload of rela- best I ever saw them play was at shitty little bar band called the Subdivisions, but at this stage I tives passed away. Once, they cancelled a show a few miles from the Doll Hut called Koko’s. think it’s still more of an idea than a reality. The because it was raining. For a few months in the spring of 2002 they put Beach City Butchers were blown up in a bomb Guitardo, who I’ve only seen sober once (at on free shows that occasionally featured punk blast. The Führers of the New Wave lined up a gig he wasn’t even playing) was usually the rock bands. I was at Chain Reaction that night and shot dead. But don’t worry. Up and down scapegoat. He had a penchant for forgetting his to see the Briefs and dragged as many people as the coast, from Seattle to San Onofre, there are guitar. He injured himself snowboarding. I could to Koko’s. A bunch of us jumped in my kids partying in their parents’ garages, ready to Rumors followed him everywhere he went. truck and we passed around a pint of Old Crow turn the page on the dinosaur age and start When he had to borrow equipment at the on the way to the show. When we got there the another New Wave Band. Pusher’s reunion show, competing rumors boys from Smogtown were stoked to see us. floated around the bar. Either his shit was in the The previous band was so bad they drove –Money shop getting repaired or he’d pawned it for everyone out of the bar. Instead of playing to an Smog City Waver #45 41 Swinging Door Conversations

Seth Swaaley

SECOND TIME AROUND second, and in this husky voice he that otherwise wouldn’t ever be vacant buildings that were once says, “Damn, it’s hot today!” That’s seen together. It’s sort of like the department stores – that decaying It’s the middle of March on a it. Nothing more. No startling truth. city’s temporary melting pot. On a part of Baltimore, the city always Friday afternoon in Baltimore and Just a simple observation. My only Friday afternoon you’ve got con- talks about renovating but never I’m standing on the corner of acknowledgement is a silent nod struction/factory workers covered does. I’ve seen the pictures of what Howard and Lexington in that and there he goes, limping in dirt to businessmen with tacky this area used to look like back in loose, fragmented realm of solitary upstream and disappearing behind ties and brown collars standing side the early part of the twentieth cen- mind, watching the forty-hour the faded eyes of the crowd. by side; you’ve got your wandering tury. Old Fords lining the streets, work-week crowds stumble by, lis- I head up towards Lexington bums with their food stamps and the men dressed in suits and top tening to the rythmic beats of hip- Market and wait for the light to your fat mothers trying to keep hats, the women all done up in hop echo against the old store change. An older black man is sit- track of their children. Everyone is sleek dresses and high heels. At one fronts, staring at the sewer smoke ting behind a table of various col- talking, laughing; there’s a brief time this was the center of shopping as it floats above the streets rusted ored vials selling skin oils. Tall man worry-free with their cashed pay- and entertainment, but unfortunate- potholes… the light rail slowly dressed in black suit… checkered check in one hand and a cheap beer ly, those days seem to be long gone. plods along and all the while I’m bow tie… top hat with a red feather in the other. There’s the Mayfair: that aban- thinking, damn, I’m really back in in the brim… passes out Muslim You’ve got food vendors from doned theater with the gothic build- Baltimore. It’s been three years newspapers. Some crazy fuck is every damn place imaginable: ing facade and the faded billboard since I’ve set foot in this city, and yelling out verses from the bible Greek, Italian, Chinese, Japanese; painting of Billie Holiday and some

Seth Swaaley honestly, I never thought I’d make through a blow-horn. Something fruit stands, meat butchers selling Benny Goodman-looking group. it back, but I guess life is kind of about Isaiah and how the “right- everything from rabbit heads and How many times I used to walk by funny like that, and now here I am, eous shall prosper.” A few feet ribs to maroon slabs of liver and that building with the urge to take a figuring, what have I got to lose, away from him are three black men pag maws – honestly, I don’t know crowbar and pry open the front might as well give this place anoth- dressed in purple and black robes. what the hell a pag maw is but it doors, my imagination dreaming up er go… They look like Arabian Nights. The looks pretty cool. You’ve got your what jazz ghosts I might be able to leader of the group is standing on a various dead fish on ice and oysters summon up from the past. Thinking I GUESS IT ISN’T EXACTLY THE MOST POETIC PORTRAIT OF LIFE, BUT HELL, IT’S SOMETHING. Holding up a brick wall across small stage, waving his hands in the and fresh crabs sitting in wooden about it now, the place has probably from one of the dollar stores that air. He’s holding a book – I’m buckets; you’ve got greasy, fried been infested with hordes of roach- line Lexington St. when I see this guessing it’s a bible of some sort – chicken and gizzards and chitter- es and rats and every damn other homeless looking man – thick red screaming bloody prophecies lings; and you’ve got your bakeries vermin imaginable for years, and beard and dark drunk eyes – stum- through a beat-up microphone with their carefully assorted dis- whether or not any big names ever bling towards me. He’s got one about the “White Man” and the true plays of cakes and cookies and played there I don’t know, but still, pant leg rolled up above the left origins of the “Black Jesus.” A pies. it’s the thought… knee and this big, purple-yellow small crowd looks on, nodding I stumble around, passing the Mt. Vernon Park: I use to idle scar taking up half of his leg. The their heads in approval. food stands, listening to the various away countless hours in this park, scar looks like it’s all infected; it’s To go along with all that reli- cat-calls, unable to decide exactly smoking the tongue dry, staring at gradually eating away at the bone. I gion you’ve got shady characters what it is I want to eat: a two dollar the stupid pigeons, watching the wouldn’t be surprised if there’s with crooked teeth and nervous corned beef on rye or a crabcake or young couples walk by hand in some form of maggot nestled eyes lining up and down the street. greasy dog at Polack Johnny’s? (I hand, all in love. Sometimes my somewhere in the fine cracks. It’s They’re trying to hawk their stolen mean how can you go wrong at a friend Katalin would sit with me disgusting to look at, but for some goods: everything from socks to place that has the slogan: Polack and we’d watch the sun go down reason I just can’t keep myself from batteries to headphones to bootleg Johnny’s is our name, Hot Dogs are behind the old mansions that line staring. I know it probably sounds videotapes to nose trimmers. Yeah, our game.”) But in the end I always Monument Street. We’d go on for strange, but I think there’s a strange how the nose trimmer guy gets any head over to that same Soul Food hours talking about every damn beauty, a sort of comic sadness in sales is beyond me. People wait for stand. I order my plate of BBQ thing we could think of: art and the most grotesque of things. the busses, cigarettes dangling from chicken, two heaping sides of mac- religion and love and all the things There’s a quote by Toulouse- their tongues, cursing the damn aroni n’ cheese, and yams. Grab a we wanted to see, all the places we Lautrec that’s always made a lot of schedule. And all I can do is smile cup of beer and a newspaper, find a wanted to go, how crazy and sense to me: and laugh at the strange, unexplain- table of my own, stuff myself, all fucked up and confusing and amaz- able rhythm of it all. the while, constantly looking ing and unexplainable this world is. “Everywhere and always ugli- around at this curious, constant And now Katalin, there you are, off ness has its beautiful aspects; it is Lexington Market is one of the bustle of life that surrounds. in India with your baby girl Ruby thrilling to discover them where no few places you can enter and feel and that crazy fat long-haired one has noticed them.” like you’re really seeing Baltimore And then I’m back on the Buddha boyfriend, who from what for what it is. A city landmark since streets, filled with a sense of I remember, has a startling resem- And there we are, this bum and 1782. It’s a place where you can renewed strength and spirit. I con- blance to the late Sam Kinnison, me, two roaming souls, meeting find all kinds of different people tinue on north up Howard St., past and here I am, three years later, sit- eye to eye for a split from different parts of Baltimore the closed-down shops, past the ting in the same damn spot, puffing 42 on this lost dream, and yeah, I to put where it is I’m heading into Predominately black joint. There’s my floor… digging underneath the guess you could say some things some form of coherent thought. But a pinball machine, an old shuffle- old receipts and crusted toe nail never change. it’s all jumbled images, lost days board, a jukebox with mostly mod- clippings… tossing away the dirty and nights, lost conversations, and ern r & b and hip-hop, and a small clothes and bread crumbs and the Go down Madison, take a right hell, now I can’t even tell if these selection of dirt-cheap alcohol. If whiskey’s all gone and we’re think- on St. Paul, pass the nice red brick are things that actually really hap- you’re looking for much else, I sup- ing, what the hell is open at this building on the corner, and you see pened, of if it’s just my crazy mind pose there’s a lot better places to time. So we head up to North Ave., that apartment with the ugly gray writing out its own historical fic- have a drink in. I order a twenty- kind of fucked up part of town, but bricks, the one with the lopsided tion. two-ounce bottle of beer and find it’s the only place we know of with cracked steps leading to the front the empty corner. I’m not really a bar that opens at six in the morn- door and the “NO LOITERING” Corner of North and Charles. here for camaraderie or to get ing. We’ve got our plastic cup of sign. 712. Home of six months of Dirty liquor stores, alley ways full drunk. I’m here purely for the sake change and we’re standing outside maddening, lonely, and drunk-as- of trash and the CVS is all boarded of nostalgia, hoping to maybe wres- the Magnet Bar, ten till, screaming hell, fist-cursing nights. You got to take the three flights of stairs up to 301. Watch out for the deaf lady that’s always sleeping on the stairs. Usually all doped up and passed out in lala land. One small 12 x 12 room: puke colored carpet… five dollar chandelier dangling like a loose tooth… two lights burned Seth Swaaley Seth Swaaley out… one window looking down on the back alley and fire escape ladders… a fridge with dead roach- es belly up in the butter section. God, the first apartment I ever lived in, pretty depressing place now that I look back on it. You had the couple next door arguing every night. 2 a.m. scream- ing matches going lost into the night. You had the crackheads upstairs and the heavy-set gay guy downstairs that always wore neon parachute pants and blasted Madonna every Sunday afternoon. And then there was that crazy, mys- terious schizophrenic who was con- stantly cursing at his television set. And there was Wendy and her five-year-old son Joe Ross who lived next door in #300. Wendy always had a strange group of peo- But in the end I always head over to that same Soul Food stand. I ple visiting her and through the order my plate of BBQ chicken, two heaping sides of macaroni n’ walls I’d often hear Joe Ross cheese, and yams. Grab a cup of beer and a newspaper, find a table of singing to himself in the bathtub and I remember that one afternoon my own, stuff myself, all the while, constantly looking around at this when I sat on the front steps with curious, constant bustle of life that surrounds. the two of them. Wendy shared her photo by Todd Taylor cup of vodka with me and told me how she suffered from bi-polar dis- up but you’ve still got the fried tle up a few comic demons on the for them to open the door, sur- order, she was being treated at chicken take out place and the way… rounded by this menagerie of carni- Johns Hopkins, Joe Ross, little gospel church across the street. A val bums and druggies and drunk angel of a kid who had these wild, couple blocks up, there’s this bar 4:30 a.m… lying in bed… insomniacs. And I’m off to the side magnetic eyes, all full of jazz and over on 20th. No sign on the out- naked… drunk… listening to with this foul-smelling guy with light, and I’m sitting there, looking side. Just a building with the paint Beethoven’s Overture to Egmont on black gums, asking him if he knows at him, dreaming about the wonder peeling off. Besides the faded-lit repeat… room floating around me Sam Cooke’s “Bring It on Home” of youth and how strange time is, neon Budweiser sign, you wouldn’t in some hovering form of cluttered and what the hell do you know, he and there’s Joe Ross, all two and even notice it. Total dive. Not in the haze. Phone rings. Beautiful, wild does. He starts singing, and he’s half feet of him, taking a hold of my cool, modern sense of the word girl, who somehow, through my good, I mean damn good! Not only finger with his little, innocent, deli- “dive,” you know, those bars where wave of loneliness and insanity, does he have soul, but he’s got the cate hand, saying in a high-pitched the drinks are cheap and all the kids I’ve stumbled upon, is on the other range to go along with it. Everyone squeak, “Look, there goes the tour convinced they’re artists or out- end. Her and her friend are drunk. is thinking, what the hell are these bus, the tour bus…” and I’m look- casts but really haven’t gone They’ve got a bottle of Jack. Want crazy white kids doing on North ing down the street and I don’t see through shit, go to hang out. No, to know if they can come over. And Ave at this time, but drink enough any tour bus, but there he is excit- this is the kind of dive you mention so the night begins. The lights go and logical explanations lose their edly grabbling on to my hand and to someone and their eyes light up, back on and there we are, parading worth, so finally they open the door all I can do is smile and say, “Yeah, their eyebrows raise, the lines on around the room… stumbling over and we bum rush in, empty our cup Joe, I see the tour bus.” the forehead shoot out, and they say kitchen tables and chairs… spilling of change on the bar and say to the shockingly, “You mean you’ve whiskey left and right. I’m digging bartender who looks like he’s still St. Paul and Madison, watching actually gone into that place?” through a stack of papers and read- half asleep, “What can we get for the cabs and cars and busses and You got to get buzzed in by the ing aloud a poem about a spider. this?” And next thing we know, people go by with these thoughts, bartender just to open the door to There’s music and laughter, and we’ve got three beers and three staring up at this ugly facade of the bar, and it’s not the cleanest we’re all poor as hell… scrounging shots. We down the Beam… my girl what once was a home, struggling place, but it’s really not that bad. up the pennies and nickels up off of runs for the bathroom… I gag and roll my eyes until all I see is black woman, looks to be around everything, says there is no other dead-end bar, and I’m just as white… the friend is over at the fifty, dressed in a janitor outfit. woman. Miss Lou laughs hysteri- insane for not cursing her to hell juke box putting in “Dancing She’s got a lazy left eye and she’s cally, mumbling something I can’t for picking that god-awful music. Queen” for the third time in a row. mumbling to herself and drawing quite get, under her breath. Maybe so. And it’s all insane, the three of us… on the newspaper headlines. I take The bartender, a frail looking Either way, suddenly I find free and drunk and my girl and I a glance over. She’s got George old woman with a Midwest accent, myself, laughing out loud, unable and dancing and whispering stum- Bush neatly marked up with a says to me, “Don’t worry, she’s to take my eyes off of Miss Lou. bled thoughts of love into one She does a circle around the another’s ear and I give her a good That sense of lost love and brief moments of here barstool, and now she’s really get- hard twirl and underneath our feet and gone, and all I’ve got to show right now is this ting down, every part of her body’s Seth Swaaley spins the black and white check- feeling the music and the other ered floor and the bartender can’t dead cigarette and this cheap beer and this thick people sitting at the bar can’t help help but shake his head and laugh layer of sunlit smoke that hovers above... but look. Miss Lou’s even got the and somewhere the sun sits under guy in the derby cap’s attention and the horizon, and somewhere lies Rollie Fingers style mustache and totally harmless.” now we’re all a bit drunk and the rest of the city… all asleep… devil horns. You can have your “Oh, I know.” I say, “I just laughing and god, I’m even starting Pollack, your Miro, and all that wish I knew what the hell she was to tap my foot to this ridiculous And now here I am three years kindergarten art, but if you ask me, laughing at.” beat. later, staring at my own reflection: I say that’s true art. Miss Lou takes Miss Lou scoots on over to the Miss Barbara flashes an old, “life through the bar mirror,” and a big sip of the King Cobra and jukebox and puts a couple bucks wrinkled smile and asks, “Do you whatever happened to that girl and yells out, “That capitalistic moth- in. Suddenly, the bar’s blessed with want another?” those crazy times, I can’t say. That erfucker!” No one else around the a half-hour’s worth of bad tunes. I know I should really be sense of lost love and brief bar seems to pay any attention. I From Whitney to Mariah to mod- going, but I take out a couple ones moments of here and gone, and all suppose it’s an everyday occur- ern “classics” like “Get Your Freak from my pocket and put them I’ve got to show right now is this rence. On” and “Shake That Ass.” Miss down on the bar, “Sure, why not.” dead cigarette and this cheap beer Anyway, there we are, staring Lou puts the beer down and sings Eventually the music stops. and this thick layer of sunlit smoke at the television all comatose-like and dances along to the music. She Miss Lou goes back to drawing on that hovers above and I’m wonder- as Judge Judy tears into some kid knows all the words. She has this George W. The arguing couple ing why the hell I even came into who’s being accused of stealing his bright, radiant smile; I mean she goes on over to the shuffleboard. this joint and, fuck, now here I go, girlfriend’s stereo system. And seems like she’s truly content. It’s The same stale smoke from an hour getting all sentimental. Miss Lou’s yelling out, almost as if she’s this free-floating ago still sits under the ceiling. I put “Defamation of character! soul, oblivious to the world around some of the beer down. An old guy with a derby cap Defamation of character!” She her, as if she belongs in some dif- All right, I guess it isn’t exact- and a cane is struggling to bring a then stares directly at this couple ferent time, in some different ly the most poetic portrait of life, can of Coors up to his lips and a across the bar who’s arguing. I get place. Yeah, I know what you’re but hell, it’s something. few seats over is a lady the bar- the feeling Miss Lou knows what thinking, maybe she’s just some tender calls Miss Lou. She’s a it’s about. The guy’s denying crazy drunk old woman in some –Seth Swaaley By Petite Paquet Photos by Chrystaei Branchaw So Talented. So Young. So Tragic. Early on Sunday, July 20, the Exploding Hearts were traveling was indeed shown through his music. I mean, what other guy could home to Portland from an awesome show at San Francisco’s get away with pink and white denim pants? The show at the Bottom Bottom of the Hill on Thursday, July 17, and a surprise appearance of the Hill was euphoric, even though most people just stood there at the Parkside the next night. What was to happen to them would in awe. You could hear people whispering the lyrics over Adam’s be not only earth shattering to the band but also to the thousands of vocals. It was a four-man show of Mosrites and Rickenbackers, like people who love not only their music, but also them. Just outside of a beautiful pop symphony. The next night, I stood outside the Eugene, Oregon, Interstate 5 claimed the lives of three of the Parkside and heard a rendition of The Zeros’ “Beat Your Heart Exploding Hearts: bassist, Matthew “Matt Lock” Fitzgerald, lead Out” that made me tingle. Unfortunately, they got cut off after four singer, Adam “Baby” Cox, and, drummer, Jeremy “Kid Killer” songs. Did that stop them? No. We stood watching Adam scream Gage. Also in the van were guitarist, Terry Six, and manager, the words to a song in someone’s ear after the venue turned the P.A. Rachelle “Ratch” Ramos. off. The dude still continued dancing while Adam was screaming The tragedy came at a time when they were moving toward the the words to “Throwaway Style.” The Girls from Seattle also zenith of a promising career. They were one of the few bands that played the show at the Parkside. During their set, I stood next to we were willing to share with the rest of the world. We held our Kid. Looking at his face, I saw youth and promise radiating from breath as they slowly poked their heads out of the rock’n’roll his smile. womb. So young and seemingly fragile, they had the eyes of babies The Exploding Hearts were loved by a lot of people, not as just who had just discovered what greatness they were capable of. There a band but for whom they were as individuals. King Louie, who were rumors that they were going to play the Conan O’ Brien Show played keyboards for them on the Guitar Romantic album, said on and get a spot with Carson Daly. Adam and the others masterfully the Goner message board, “They were my little brothers. The world wrote some of the catchiest, sweetest pop songs to ever grace our will never be the same for me.” He also shared a few memories ears. Ratch, the ever-patient manager and mother, was the one about each of them with me. “Adam loved spray paint. He would guardian who was to assure they wouldn’t be consumed by the bull- spray paint everything. If you passed out drunk, pukin’ in the toilet, shit of making it big. you were gonna wake up later with pink down the back of your I remember hearing their album, Guitar Romantic, for the first crack. So many times, Jeremy would be late for practice and we time and thinking, “Oh my God! This is the best thing I’ve heard in a long time!” When I heard they’d be in California I knew I had to see them; plus my boyfriend was opting to drum for them on tour since Kid Killer had resigned. I had heard so many things about Adam. His tal- ented and charismatic character’s reputation

Matt Jeremy would be like, ‘Where the hell you been?’ I can remember Kelly, a close friend of Adam’s from San Diego said, “When him saying, ‘Dude, there were two Lexuses on the way from the Exploding Hearts first started, Adam dropped off a CD-R – in the bus stop.’ He had to break the mirrors off because he which he had painted with pink nail polish – figures! I was fucking believed there was a thing called street justice and he was amazed when I heard it. I couldn’t believe how good it was. I was part of it. I really loved playing with Matt. I remember we so proud of it. I would show it off to all my friends and we all sort bonded when I heard about him buying a Winnebago. I was like, of fell in love with it. The last words I ever told him were ‘I miss ‘DUDE! YOU’RE BUYING A WINNEBEGO?! YOU DID WHAT you.’” WITH HER?!?! YOU DID IT ON THE TOP OF THE WIN- We’re not ashamed to cry or tell our friends we love them. NEBEGO!’ We’re not embarrassed to take the time to hold dear all the silly, Vas of The Girls told me, “Adam and Jeremy were like fucking stupid moments we had with them. We’re not too cool to think of

brothers. They did everything together – The Iguanas, the Spider our own lives, the lives of those we love, and the fleeting quality of Babies, the Exploding Hearts, and, fucking Jesus – they both died life that this accident made horribly real. together.” He also added, “Jeremy became one of my best friends in Although Matt, Jeremy, and Adam were only here for a short the last year. He’d always come up here and visit, and then him and time, this brings the immortality of rock‘n’roll to a whole new me would blast every Oblivians record at four in the morning and light. Adam, Matt, and Kid – as people and as talented party until eleven AM at my house. One time, Jeremy, Terry, and I musicians – will always live because they left us sat on Adam’s front porch drinking and banging on Adam’s apart- with possibly the most incredible and ment door for two hours after a Mudhoney show.” timeless pop album. A huge piece Derek, a close friend of Kid and Adam’s, remembers, “Adam... of them will live every time I’ve known Adam for almost six years. The thought that I will never we spin the record get to have drunken, stoned conversations with him on the internet or about his dog, Bluto, or how I am going to do techno versions of his song, ‘I’m a Pretender,’ it’s just not right. I thought I would have all the time in the world to wrestle with Jeremy and sneak booze in club bath- rooms with him.”

Adam 47 WWEE WWHHIIPP AA MMUULLEE’’SS AASSSS WWIITTHH TTHHEEYY BBEELLTT

INTERVIEW BY SEAN CARSWELL PHOTOS BY TODD TAYLOR

From the first time I heard Creating liance in their seven inches and in their music, writing and re-writing their songs Forces That Don’t Exist, I knew The half of the split with the Super Chinchilla and putting their guts into chords and TimVersion was on to something good, Rescue Mission (which is a tough band lyrics. I pictured them to be perfection- something different. Which isn’t to say for anyone to follow on an album, but ists, or at least really serious guys with that their sound comes out of a void. It The TimVersion carry their half of the deep record collections. And they are. doesn’t. There’s a strong, early- split with ease). Even their acoustic ten What I didn’t realize, though, is that Replacements influence. There are inch is amazing – and I almost never like they’re also wild drunks, the poster chil- snatches of obscure Gainesville bands acoustic songs. Still, a lot of bands can be dren for functional alcoholism. Which is like Panthro UK United 13 and Radon. A great when they’re only playing four or fine by me. Actually, you put it all healthy dose of Husker Du flows through five songs in a row. The real trick is together, and you have the recipe for the songs. But in the end, everything is putting out a solid twelve or thirteen great punk rock. So I caught up with The unmistakably The TimVersion. It’s fast songs that have enough variety and TimVersion at the Anarchy Library and and raw and tight as hell, and when you power to make you want to listen to them tried to talk to them about music, but start to make out the lyrics through all again and again. So I was waiting for the mostly heard a bunch of crazy drinking the screams and fury, they’ll startle you new album. Finally, Dave from Attention stories. God love ‘em. with their intelligence. Creating Forces Deficit Disorder knew I was jonesing for That Don’t Exist made it into my heavy it, and he helped me out with a CD burn The TimVersion are: rotation right after my first listen to it, of The TimVersion’s Prohibition Starts Shawn: drums and I’ve been listening to it steadily ever Tomorrow. I was impressed. I am Scott: guitar since. It took them so long to follow it up impressed. I got the feeling that these Russ: vocals, guitar that I wondered if they could. They guys must spend an inordinate amount Mike: bass 48 showed snatches of bril- of time practicing and perfecting their Sean: Who’s the abusive lady on your answering machine and why does she want you to bring her a picture of a naked midget? Shawn: That would be my wonderful boss, Karen, who has been cool enough to let me work there as long as I have and consistent- ly be late every fucking day. I don’t even bother to set my alarm anymore. She just calls to wake me up. And, one time, she heard a story about me going to a strip club and having a midget sit on my lap. So Karen was very excited to see the midget picture. I had forgotten to bring the picture the day before, so she was reminding me. Scott: Tell him how you earned the picture. Shawn: The midget – her name is Little Lacy – walked around with a cup between her legs, and you had to wad up a dollar bill and throw it in there. Two dollars. That’s all it cost me. Sean: What do you do that the boss lets you be late every day? Shawn: I work in a restaurant. I don’t do much there. I show up late and bring pic- tures of midgets and get paid for it. Sean: How many karaoke bars have you guys been kicked out of with Tiltwheel? Russ: That was awesome. That was us and the Dukes of Hillsborough and Tiltwheel. It was the first night we met up in South Carolina. I walked up to the bar and said, “What’s your best drink deal?” The bar- tender said, “Twenty-five-cent Natural Lights.” So I put a five on the bar and said, “Give me as many as I can get with this.” And this was a really nice place. There were customers wearing boating shoes and shit. It was so yuppie. They loved us. Especially Mike and his pick-up line. Mike: Yeah. That was when I was single. The waitress came by and she said, “Can I get y’all anything?” and I looked at the menu and was like, “I don’t see you on the menu.” She tried to laugh it off, but I was Mike: He was that upset that he couldn’t good lay, too. like, “I’m serious.” One thing lead to sing “Brickhouse.” He said, “Hey Mike, let Sean: And didn’t you once pass out while another. There was some alley activity. A me borrow your knife.” I was drunk, so I recording a song? few short moments. [laughs] said, “Okay.” I gave him my knife. He Mike: I was in Russ’s bedroom. We were Shawn: You’re just getting yourself in climbed up there. It was so inconspicuous. recording our acoustic ten inch trouble here, Mike. Five guys climbed up there, and four more (Floribraska), and it was only for a second. Mike: I’ll quit kidding. We got kicked out were on the ground looking up. And he just You can’t notice it on the recording. because our roadie wanted to sing trashed it. We drove by the next day and Shawn: He was hunched over the whole “Brickhouse” on karaoke and they shut they had an air conditioning guy up there time. Just staring. It was an exercise in down karaoke. So he made pretty big scene working on it. We did it on a Friday night. alcohol consumption. about it. Apparently the next day, Saturday, was Mike: We were a little stewy. Shawn: They thought we were gay men. really busy and really hot. We never got Russ: We recorded that ten inch, all There was this girl dancing with this guy, caught. acoustic songs, because we’re all into coun- and we said, “Can we cut in?” and the girl Sean: Who was Frank Provost? try music – old stuff like Bill Monroe and said, “Sure. All right.” So we grabbed the Russ: He’s our old bass player. He got me Hank Williams. We had some kinda coun- guy and started dancing around him. playing in a band again. He’s my neighbor try songs that we’d been practicing, so we Russ: This girl was acting like, “Oh, I’m so now. decided to do that dumb, stupid acoustic hot.” It was fun just to fuck with her. She Sean: Why’d he leave the band? record. We all got together on a Sunday and was attractive, but she was taking too much Russ: He wasn’t into touring. We wanted watched the Bucs play. We had some beers liberty with her attractiveness. to tour. But it was no big deal. We’re all while we watched the game. Then, we set Shawn: But, if anything happened to the still friends. up everything to record, which took another air conditioning in the karaoke bar, we Shawn: He’s in Hankshaw right now, couple of hours, so we drank more while don’t know anything about it. which is really cool for him. we were setting up. By the time we started Sean: What happened to it? Russ: It worked out because we got Mike, recording, we were already drunk. I don’t Russ: Our roadie cut all the belts and and he can parallel park a van. You’d think even remember recording a couple of hoses. He was pissed. that’s all he’s good for, but he’s a pretty songs. I don’t remember doing 49 the acoustic version of “March 22.” It got record- Cincinnati, Ohio. We played our show, if there was anything we could salvage. ed, though. That’s the bottom line. It didn’t come then went to a house where we were There was just a bottle of grenadine. out too bad, I guess. staying. The people there told us that Then, Russ cracked open the fridge and Sean: What’s the drinking song for Davey Quinn they were going to a party. Russ and I said, “Oh shit. There’s Natty Lights in (lead singer of Tiltwheel, founder of the TV series were running late. They all went to the here.” So we took it and took off. Good Cop Boat) about? party and we figured, we’ll find it. It’s times. Russ: It’s just about drinking and playing records. gotta be up the street somewhere. So we Sean: Russ, when was the last time you In South Dakota, I think it was – somewhere on walked up the road and saw this build- passed out on stage? tour, anyway – Davey had these chords that he ing with lights on and doors open. Scott: Why is everything about alcohol showed us. He was like, “I have this song. I want There was an entire bar downstairs. It with us? words for this.” So he showed them to me. I don’t had a bunch of empty liquor bottles. We Sean: I have questions about music. even think I got them right. I played it for him were thinking, this is weird. We heard We’ll get to those later. later, and he said, “Oh, you made it better.” some people upstairs, so we went up Shawn: Fuck music. Let’s talk about Which means we fucked it up. But, we wrote it a there and passed a couple of people on Russ being an idiot. couple of months after tour. We put some words the stairs. There was an apartment with Russ: We played a New Year’s Eve to it. a door open. Russ and I walked in and show – we don’t play holidays any- Shawn: If there’s anyone who needs their own there were four frat dudes playing video more; it’s a band policy – but we played drinking song, it’s probably Davey. games. I was like, “Hey. What’s going on New Year’s Eve at the old ADD Sean: Is it true that Wesley Willis (a schitzo- on?” They were like, “Nothing.” They house. I don’t know why, but I was like, phrenic, Alternative Tentacles recording artist) looked at us like we were crazy. We I’m gonna get a bottle of gin. So I got a wrote a song about you guys? just said, “All right. See you later,” bottle of gin from the liquor store. I Mike: He did it when we played with him in because, obviously, we weren’t in the started mixing drinks. I was making Chicago. The song was something like [Shawn right place. We went back downstairs. them pretty strong. They were so good. sings the keyboard parts; Mike sings the song], We were drunk and out of beer, so we I was like, “Ummmm, delicious.” “This a test song. This a test song: The decided to look behind the bar and see Shawn: You gotta skip all that shit and TimVersion. The TimVersion. All right. All right. We whip a mule’s ass with they belt.” Shawn: One of our friends drove off with the Shawn: “They rock. They rock like Dokken.” That’s a Wesley Willis quote. guitar duct taped to the front of his van. It Mike: Then we took him home and carried his looked like a unicorn. It was very majestic. keyboard upstairs. It was surreal. He said his Mike: It was a big van boner. address like sixty-five times. Shawn: We said, “Wesley, where do you live?” And he was like, “All right, you go left here. You go right here.” We drove all around Chicago, cir- cling in on his house. It was like going into a vor- tex. He showed us pictures of his artwork and everything. He told me that he was gonna come to Tampa on tour and he needed a place to stay so I gave him my phone number. He said he was gonna stay with me for [in a bold, Wesley Willis voice] “Three weeks.” Scott: He had a nice apartment. We went upstairs and we heard a woman’s voice say, “Wesley, you got some friends with you? How was your show?” [Also in a Wesley Willis voice] “There were a thousand people there. I rocked.” And there were like thirty people there. It was awesome. Sean: Who is OMS? Russ: That was Old Man Scotty. He goes by Scroty now. Sean: Why was he written about in a Tampa newspaper as being “your biggest fan”? Russ: Because we opened for Fear at the Brass Mug. It’s a shitty dive bar in Tampa. And this girl from University of South Florida newspaper... He was kinda fucking with her. He was like, “If you write about them, you have to put me in the arti- cle. I’m their biggest fan.” He was just joking, but she put that in her article. He’s been around forev- er. He was at our first show in Gainesville, and he’s been at almost every one since. He’s got kids now, though, so it’s kinda hard for him to get out and about. Sean: Mike, when was the last time you stole beer from a frat house? Mike: Son of a bitch. Where’d you get all this information? Dave Disorder? Sean: Russ wrote about you in ADD. Mike: Bastard. We were in 50 talk about what happened on the stage. You “He’s a Whore.” Or I did, I guess. I’ve seen So I started off selling them, thinking, I’ll were trying to play and you were unable to the video. It’s pretty intense. I don’t know. do this until I run out of CDs that I want to tune your guitar. Someone had to tune it for All I know is that the video ends with me sell. But my wife pushed me. She said, “Go you. You can’t tell the story. You don’t being carried outside and laid in the grass. find other things to sell. This is kinda cool.” even remember it. Scott’s wife is in the video going, “Roll And I was like, well yeah, this is kinda Russ: I don’t remember anything about that him over on his side.” cool. I get to hang out with the dog. I get to night. Shawn: [kidding] If you want him to live. go drink whenever I want. I can sleep in. Shawn: Our friend took Russ’s guitar off Roll him over on the side if you want him Mike: Tell him about Tori Amos. his shoulders and tuned it for him. Then, we to live. Scott: I got a Tori Amos record for, like, started to play one song. We got maybe a Scott: Everyone else seems to know more twenty-five dollars and sold it for three quarter of the way into it and it just took a about that night than we do. hundred fifty. shit. There was some sort of disarray about Sean: Scott, do you really make a living off Mike: Isn’t that ridiculous? Can you what song to play next. We started trying to of eBay? believe that someone would pay that much play that. Next thing you know, Russ just Scott: I did. For thirteen months. I worked for a Tori Amos record? fell. He fell right over his amp, knocked for the evil Home Shopping Network. I Scott: There was another record. Not a Tori down his speakers. I just threw my sticks fucked with them for a long time, then I Amos one. I bought it for a dollar and sold up and said, “This ain’t gonna go any- quit. But I had all these CDs saved up and I it for a hundred and fifty. [Scott pulls out a where.” was thinking, “Somebody would like this laminated sheet of paper and unfolds it] I Russ: We tried to play some Cheap Trick, one and somebody would want this one.” don’t leave home without this. This is my

cheat sheet. [He points at a name of a other one. (The Replacements recorded two Creating Forces That Don’t Exist) and you cheesy seventies teen star on his list and versions of “Can’t Hardly Wait.” A faster, have another song on the split with Super tells me that, if I ever see his album, I more punk rock version was recorded dur- Chinchilla that screams over and over, should buy it. But he also asks me not to ing a session for their album named Tim, “There’s absolutely nothing going on” include any real names in Razorcake, lest it and slower, more produced and radio- (“Lloyd” on Go Halves on a Bastard)? drive up the price of the records.] As you friendly version was recorded during a ses- Russ: The first one has to do with Tampa’s can see, this is all horrible, horrible stuff. sion for their Pleased to Meet Me album. scenesters. There so much total scenester The good stuff is in my head, but this list is Hence, the name “TimVersion.”) But the shit. It’s very shallow. It’s focused on that, all the horrible stuff that’s worth some- Replacements were great songwriters. I guess. thing. I work at Kinkos now, but I still sell That’s the most important thing for a band. Shawn: People are always saying, “There’s stuff on eBay. I did it right before I left so Scott: We’re very focused on our songwrit- nothing going on.” But there’s plenty going that I could have some money to make my ing. There aren’t a whole lot of things that on. They just don’t give a shit. They don’t car payment. It’s much better than working. get blasted out real quickly with us. It’s real put forth the effort to see what’s actually Sean: How big of an influence is the important to us that we don’t sound like happening. Everybody bitches about how Replacements on you guys? anyone else. crappy Tampa is, but Tampa is great. Russ: They’re just one of the best rock Sean: Okay, then I have a songwriting There’s a ton of great bands and nobody bands ever. question for you. How come you have a gets a fair shake unless they’re in this tight, Sean: Your name comes from them, right? song on one album that says, “If nothing’s little, ass-kissing circle. Russ: It totally made sense that we pick going on, it’s ‘cause nothing’s going on Russ: The other one, “Lloyd,” is about one that name. The Tim version of “Can’t inside your head,” (“The Only Band That specific night. We were hanging out in Hardly Wait” is way more rocking than the Puts Iced Tea in Whiskey Bottles” on West Virginia with this truck- 51 er dude named Lloyd. He’s actually on the Mike: We’re predominantly a beer band. what was going on. There’s this outdoor cover of the record. He was trying to start a Scott: That was just a funny song title mall where they have street musicians (the fight. (“Hardcore Drugs Made Me a Better Third Street Promenade). But they don’t Shawn: He tried to fight all of us, individu- Person”). I saw it on a t-shirt on some have full on rock bands. ally. underground, web site, t-shirt business. Shawn: He went down to City Hall and got Russ: Yeah. He was a laid off old trucker. Some old lady – a Leave It to Beaver-type the contract, but he couldn’t read it. I could- He was asking for change and being a dick. old lady – was shooting heroin on the shirt. n’t read it, the way it was written. And he’d He wanted to play Johnny Cash. He was lit- I thought it was funny. only been in this country for three months. erally grabbing my hand and trying to get Shawn: Sometimes the song titles change So we meet up with him and we’re like, money. But, by the end of the night, we as we go along. We didn’t name that song “Okay, where are we playing?” He says, were all hanging out around the jukebox, for a while. Then, we were doing a show “Here.” And Scott explained to him that we listening to “The Ballad of Ira Hayes” with and a Christian thrash band played before couldn’t play. He showed him in the con- this dude, and he was saying, “Johnny Cash us, so I said to Scott, “We’ve got to play tract how the stores could shut us down and is the greatest singer of all time.” It was this song first.” So Scott goes up to the mic fine him a bunch of money. So we got kind of a cool experience. and says, “Hi. We’re the TimVersion and drunk with him instead. Shawn: We went from almost fighting this our song’s called, ‘Hardcore Drugs Made Russ: The crazy thing about Santa Monica old dude to hanging out with him. It was a Me a Better Person.’” The name stuck. is that I don’t know anything about good time. Sean: Shawn, were you really in a Steve California. Whenever we told people we Sean: What are the “keep Russ happy Vai video? had a show in Santa Monica, they were pills”? Mike: Yes. He had a permed mullet. like, “Oh, that’s weird.” Apparently, it’s a Russ: Russ has been on some medication Shawn: Yeah. A long time ago. I went to really ritzy part of LA. No one there would for some time. They’re Scoobie snacks, Gibbs High School. It had a bunch of old even talk to us when we asked them for basically. I’m a dog fucker. [laughs] No, I buildings. And basically Steve Vai’s con- directions. It was wild. get anxious. I get bummed out. And I guess cept behind the video was him being a Sean: Scott, when was the last time a it’s just me being a pussy, but the pills even young kid. So they were at Gibbs to scout bunch of drunks destroyed your guitar? me out. They take the edge right off. the location and shoot the video. And they Scott: It was all kinda sketchy. I don’t Sean: What kind of pills are they? didn’t have a drummer. They needed a remember exactly what was going on. Russ: It’s Paxil, which is not a big deal. drummer for the video. Gibbs was an arts There were a bunch of people all over the Everybody I know is on Paxil now. high school. I was there for the drums. stage. All I remember is that I wanted to Everybody I know is on medication or They came and asked me to do the video. tackle people while we were playing. I should be. I got off it for a while, but I was I’m twenty-eight now, but I look like I’m don’t know. I think I tackled somebody and like, fuck, I hate life. I’m back on it now. twenty-one. So, when I was fourteen, I they hit Mike. I’m not sure what happened, It’s not a big deal. You can still drink on looked like I was ten or eleven. But I could but when I got up, my guitar was snapped them. You’re not supposed to, but you can. play the part, so, next thing I know, I was in in half. I wasn’t very happy about that, so I You’re not supposed to tear the tags off Steve Vai’s “The Audience Is Listening” made sure it was fully destroyed. I sobered mattresses, either, but we do that every video. If you ever see it, I look like some- up the next day and realized, shit, they got place we stay. one out of the Stray Cats with eyeliner tat- people to fix these things. Sean: What about the rest of you? Have toos drawn all over my arms. Shawn: One of our friends drove hardcore drugs made you better people? Sean: What happened when a Japanese guy off with the guitar duct taped to the Scott: Basically. tried to set up a show for you in Santa front of his van. It looked like a Shawn: Not me. I’m straight edge [laughs Monica? unicorn. It was very majestic. and takes a sip of his beer]. Mike: I don’t think he fully understood Mike: It was a big van boner. 53 ny: drums eon: guitar •Dan usy: bass •Sturg Annie: guitar • S

It doesn’t sound like that big of a mountain to climb. Name one female-fronted band, beyond the Avengers, who consistently retained their sense of melody instead of just screaming whenBikini they Kill,got serious the hot-wired, and political. charging After punk thinking of the about Avengers, this for,and now, several months, it became obvious whyReject I took All aAmerican liking to the Soviettes so quickly. They’ve got the fun and bounce of The Go-Go’s, the teeth and smart marbles of - song topics that go far beyond boyfriends and bubblegum. They prove that melody and backup vocals don’t always have to equal a frontal lobotomy and that serious issues – from personal to public to political – can be confronted while the crowd is singing and dancing along with them. My recommendation to listening to their self-titled, debut album is to give it several lis tens. When the songs separate from one another, when the lyrics start seeping in, when you realize that you’ve got four people who can not only play, but are intelligent, have good hearts, strong friendships, and Midwestern ethics, that the album spins itself into a brighter and brighter gem. The Soviettes are definitely an addictive listen. Interview and pictures by Todd Taylor out Danny. Todd: A lyrics question. How do you, “Grab a knife and turn it into Sturgeon: Seriously. art”? Todd: Have people called you an all-girl band? Danny: That’s “Blue Stars.” The song itself is about battling depres- All: Yes. sion through the Minnesota winter Danny: All the time. and doing so through creating art- Todd: So, Danny, you’re pre-op? work. Sturgeon: One article, they had the Todd: photo of all four of us and they said, Why a knife, then? “This girl band trio.” They couldn’t Danny: Because the knife is some- thing you can use to commit suicide. even count us in the photo that It’s pretty harsh, but so is life. But they ran. There’s four people in that is sort of what you have to do. that picture. One of them is not a girl. Todd: For the band, what is one criticism that’s hard to duck? Danny: Not only do they have a drummer – shhh – it’s a boy. It’s a Annie: [in funny voice] Criticism? What is this word? Everybody loves secret. us all the time. What do you mean? Todd: When I was talking to Susy [laughter] yesterday, the question for the criti- cism is that after you recorded the Sturgeon: The one that’s hard to duck is that we’re angry young album and could hear the songs on a women. Grrr! regular basis, that everybody stepped up to the level on the album Annie: They might mean it as a crit- icism, but I’m like, “What do you on a more consistent basis. mean?” Sturgeon: Our other stuff isn’t as good? Susy: If girls write or play some- thing political, it’s because we’re Todd: No. You realized how a song angry. could be played – not only just the chords, but also the style behind it. Sturgeon: Because we’re girls. Now, all of a sudden, we have issues When things become more effort- with things because of our gender less to play, they become more fun. and not just because we’re people. You don’t have to think and stare at your instrument all the time. You Danny: It seems like we get classi- fied easier because of that. Because realize, “Oh, that’s how it’s sup- that’s what they hear. Ninety per- posed to sound,” and everyone’s in cent, or even more than that, they’re a groove. hearing girls. Danny: Yeah, also because we all Annie: write songs, it’s easy if one of us We would be nothing with- comes in with a song and say, 54 “Okay, I want you to do this thing here,” because we know each other’s styles. Annie: We all have distinctly different styles. I really like that. Todd: It gives it more depth. Sturgeon: It’s just more interesting than hearing the whole record written by one person or one voice. Annie: Or one drum beat or one guitar riff. Todd: That was my major trepidation when I first got your album. So many bands can put out a seven inch, and with four songs, it’s not a stretch to listen to basically the same song four times and dig the shit out of it. But if you get an album and all twelve or so songs sound the same, I’m like, “I wish this was a seven inch. I’d listen to it more.” Danny: I really like not knowing what to expect from track to track. Todd: What was the last thing you broke that, prior to breaking it, you didn’t know you used it a lot? Annie: My heart. Susy: Oh, Annie. Danny: Probably just some scissors or something. Susy: I broke my hand last summer. Annie and I decided we were going to join a soft- ball team and I told her that I’m super acci- dent prone. They knew me by name in the emergency room when I was little. The first time I hit the ball – I’m running to first base – I totally tripped and slid into first. We sucked so bad. It was twenty to zero. I laid there for awhile. “Oh my god. My hand.” Everyone was “Woooo!” I broke my hand and you guys made me play with a broken hand. It was all black and blue. Remember that? Then green. Then yellow. Todd: Was it your dominant hand? Susy: No. I also I didn’t have health insur- ance so I couldn’t afford to put a cast on it. It’s still kind of weird. Annie: My dog pulled me into a garbage can on my bike the other day and I thought I hurt my wrist. It’s fine. I just bruised it a Annie: I won a limbo contest once. little. I called, “Sturgeon, something bad has happened.” Susy: You did? Todd: What is the best trophy you’ve ever won? Annie: They played "Limbo Rock." Danny: I was the best free throw foul shooter at basketball camp. In front of four It was kind of a big deal. Fargo. hundred kids, I put in nine out of ten. It was really great. The funny thing was that Susy: Oh, yeah. I’m not very good at that. For some reason, conviction were the best things about him. one day, and I took home a trophy. I don’t Who is your favorite teacher of all Just a very smart guy. Todd: I had a lot of great teachers, but know where that is now. time? Sturgeon: Susy: I won a Bruin Award when I was in Annie: Sturgeon is my favorite teacher of I had a lady called Ms. Bibblenix. I had a soccer. We were the Fargo Bruins. It all time. [laughter] program at the U., one of those advanced meant that I was a woman who had lots of Susy: Ms. Bush. In the four, five combina- math programs. She taught math. I had spirit, a go-getter. tion class in Fargo, North Dakota. I found failed out of the program the year before, Sturgeon: What the hell’s a bruin? out years later that she’s a lesbian. She’s an then tested back in. She was really cool. Susy: A bear. old lady. She had that crusty ‘80s winged hair. It Annie: I won a limbo contest once. Danny: Mine is my American history was all black and shaggy. She’d wear black Susy: You did? teacher. His name is Rothman. I don’t cowboy boots and super tight black jeans. Annie: They played “Limbo Rock.” It was remember his first name. He was this old She wasn’t married. She was young. She kind of a big deal. Fargo. New York, Jewish guy. His accent and his Susy: Oh, yeah. Sturgeon: Nah. I'm not afraid to show my underwear. Sometimes I wear underwear that's really bright so people can see it. You're going to see it anyway. You might as well make it fun. We're not too shy. We're not too full of tricks, either. Can't really do any of those. arts is way trumped by Jacques Wait who This is what I care to sing about at this records us and produces us. He just knows point in my life. I don’t think we ever was a really good teacher, and I was like, everything. It doesn’t, really, other than thought about it, like you can’t do it. “I could do that job. I could be a math the kind of microphones that they’re using Susy: No. teacher.” And now I am. to mic up the drums. I can tell him what Todd: What are your biggest fears, facing Annie: My favorite teacher wasn’t my overall sound I’m going for, I suppose. your first tour? favorite teacher because he was such an Todd: Are there any tricks, on stage, that Susy: Being penniless. I have no money. extraordinary teacher. I went to an alterna- you won’t do if you’re wearing a skirt? Annie: I’m not worried about that. I think tive high school for my junior/senior year Annie: Tricks? I can’t really do any. people will be nice to us. and I had this teacher, Gary. He was my Sturgeon: Nah. I’m not afraid to show my Sturgeon: The only serious fear I have is physics teacher. I don’t know what his last underwear. Sometimes I wear underwear that the van breaks down or we crash it. name is. He was cool. I’m pretty sure he that’s really bright so people can see it. I’m ready to go. was just high all the time. You’re going to see it anyway. You might Danny: We’re all ready to go. Todd: Suzy, what’s so great about your as well make it fun. We’re not too shy. Todd: What are you most looking for- dog, Tucker? We’re not too full of tricks, either. Can’t ward to? Susy: Tucker’s old. When I met Lane really do any of those. Annie: Playing in front of people we (Lane is the drummer for Dillinger Four), Susy: I guess if I fell down when I was don’t know. Seriously. he had Tucker. It was his ex-girlfriend’s drunk and my skirt happened to fly up. Danny: Meeting new peo- dog that they had saved. He’s really Annie: That’s kind of like a trick. ple. ornery. He’d bite people. We have parties Todd: Do you know of any other female- Sturgeon: Going to new at our house. We put a sign on our door: vocal punk band who, when they talk places. “Do not touch the dog.” People would still about politics, they don’t scream? I only Annie: I’ve never been anywhere. I’m be like, “Oh, but dogs love me.” And he’d came up with one. I thought about this for really excited to go. bite ‘em. a long time. Susy: You’ve been to Wyoming, Annie. Danny: There’s a picture of Tucker on the Danny: What about The Avengers? Annie: I’ve been to Wyoming. I’ve been a split LP (with The Valentines). Max didn’t Todd: That’s the one I got. couple places on family trips. I finally make it for photos one day, so we just took Susy: Give him a trophy! went to New York and Chicago this past a picture of Tucker, and put “Max” below Sturgeon: I was going to say X-Ray Spex, year. it. but she totally screams. Todd: What type of communism do the Susy: Tucker’s disagreeable. He’s old and Todd: Trills. Soviettes model themselves after? he can’t hear. The other day, Lane said, Annie: Weird falsettos. Trotskyism? Stalinism? Joe “Do you think Tucker thinks, ‘Why don’t Sturgeon: Kathleen Hanna sounds exactly Strummerism? Care Bearism? people talk to me anymore?’” [laughter] like Poly Styrene. Sturgeon: What’s Care Bearism? Danny: And Lane doesn’t know how old Todd: I didn’t think it would be that rare. Todd: How you spell your band name, he was. But it is. Kathleen Hanna does sing some- it’s both hard and soft. You have some- Susy: When I first started dating Lane, I times, but when she was in Bikini Kill, thing – communism and the Soviet Block was like, “So, how old is Tucker?” “Oh, who I love, she screamed a lot. I don’t – that many people picture as hard, con- ten.” A couple months ago, we took him to want to lump you strictly into political pop crete, and gray, but with the “ettes” at the the vet. “Seriously, how old do you think punk – but a female-vocal band that cov- end, makes it kind of cuddly. Tucker is?” “Oh, about ten.” I was like, ers serious issues – I think that’s one thing Danny: I would say The Ronnettes. “Three years ago, you told me he was ten.” that makes the Soviettes special in one big [laughter] With no explanation. Tucker’s fourteen now. He’s got all of respect. When you get serious, you remain Sturgeon: I think that in the very begin- these gross warts all over him. melodic. ning of communism, it was this whole Sturgeon: He used to come to our practice Sturgeon: That’s interesting. idea that, “Hey, we’re going to get togeth- when we practiced in the basement at your Todd: Many punk-inclined ladies think er and we’re all going to put a part into it house. He would sit in the middle of the that the combination to doing a political and we’re all going to do it for ourselves bass drum. song is this: “I can’t be sweet and poppy and we’re all going to make this work.” Susy: He follows me everywhere. He’s a and serious at the same time.” I believe It’s kind of what we do. special guy. it’s a false premise. Todd: In the album, you approach gender Todd: Danny, what do you do in a “sound Annie: We always said that we wanted to politics from three distinct areas. One, in arts” class? make songs that were catchy, songs that “Matt’s Song,” it’s approached from a Danny: Sound arts is anything from scor- kids would want to listen to over and over male point of view. In “Her Neon Heart,” ing film to just learning the basics. Even that have something to say besides “I miss the gender is put on a city, and in old school, like spicing tape and all that my boyfriend,” or whatever. “Undeliverable,” you have a lady who is stuff to learning digital stuff – Digital Sturgeon: The other thing is that I don’t being shelved by her boyfriend or signifi- Performer, ProTools – all that junk. think we ever thought about it in terms of, cant other. Care to explain? Todd: How does that bleed over to your “If you have this subject matter, you have Annie: “Matt’s Song” is about a friend of drumming? to have this style.” Here’s a song. Here’s ours who is a boy and it’s such a touchy Danny: It doesn’t too much, actually. some lyrics. Here’s how I’m going to sing. subject. When you get into the bedroom Anything I learned in sound 56 Actually, there’s only one other person in my family who I can relate to and that’s and there’s any sort of confusion, it can be my older brother. Everyone else is strictly a really bad thing. Rape is one of the Americana. Get a good job, get married, biggest four-letter words that there is. have a house, all that stuff. Kids. Dogs. Danny: I would say that it is Cats. Food. the biggest. Sturgeon: Actually, I don’t Annie: Absolutely. I know. All my family are would never discount teachers, kind of. We’re a lot anyone who felt that they alike. We get along really were, but when other well. I have a really cool people get involved and family. Big. Tight knit. High you weren’t really there, maintenance. But they’re and so-and-so is saying great. I’ve had such an awe- this and so-and-so is say- some life and it’s because of ing that. We had a friend them. that was caught up in the Annie: My parents are both middle of it and was, “I musicians and artists. So is don’t know what hap- my sister. pened. I’m sorry. It was Todd: Where did the sound like this and it was fun and clip on the album of the all of a sudden it wasn’t.” lady saying, “We’re the And the girl was like, “Oh, number one rock and roll but I never said that.” group in the world and There are men who do get we’re going to see that falsely accused of rape and everything is going to be it happens and that’s what different. It’s all gotta to the song’s about. change. The first thing Todd: As a listener, I’m we’re going to do is build just happy that there’s a a radio station tomorrow depth of narrative in an and we’re not going to album. It seems more bal- play commercials, and no anced. Sometimes, when I news, just rock and roll listen to a record, I feel and the truth. One, two, accused by the person three four!” screaming the lyrics at me. Susy: Ladies and On occasion, I feel, “Hey, Gentlemen, the Fabulous I’m a good person. Why are Stains. That was my idea. you screaming at me?” I saw that movie when I Danny: That’s preaching, was fourteen on Night sort of. Flight and I’d never seen Sturgeon: In all of our it again. It didn’t change songs, we write about what my life, but watching it we know. That was some- when you’re fourteen, it’s thing that affected our whole so cool. My friend Brad town, our whole community, had a copy of it, so I for awhile. I don’t even watched it again. That know what gender politics sound clip was originally can mean, but I always think going to be the start of of cities as female, like ships the record. and cars. I think of cities – Danny: I heard that song well, what is it? It’s the peo- on the radio today. They ple and every city is the didn’t put the sample. same. It is made of the people Sturgeon: Sometimes who have houses and cars they do. A few years and jobs and kids and hob- back, they played it on bies. Where you go is pretty the big screen at the much all the same. I gave it a Sound Unseen Festival here. I had never gender because I thought it would sound seen it before and it’s such an awesome, awesome movie. It’s so bad and it’s so cooler. “Undeliverable” – I don’t really Absolutely. All: great at the same time. know where that song came from. Sturgeon: The ownership of different Todd: Who has family members who are Todd: What’s the worst bit of advice clubs around town means – because you’ve ever followed? almost the opposite of you? they’re national – they get a lot of the Susy: My sister’s got an affluent husband Danny: When I was eighteen, my dad told bigger names. People who are going to me to go to school and be a business who’s an entrepreneur. He makes a lot of come here, go to those clubs. Typically, money. She’s a stay at home mom. She major. And that’s the end of that. those clubs tend to be quite expensive. Annie: I tend not to follow advice. Or ask has a boy and a girl. First Avenue, the club that used to get all Sturgeon: She’s living the American for it. the big shows, was the place that every- Todd: Is Clear Channel doing its best to dream. one played at, period. Danny: Most of my family is opposite. fuck Minneapolis? Sturgeon: One article, they had the photo of all four of us and they said, "This girl band trio." They couldn't even count us in the photo that they ran. There's four people in that

picture. One of them is not a girl. Sturgeon: It was so fun. Man, Carrie and Emily are just dynamos. You could Racist Action) has meetings there sometimes. see that a lot in American Monsters Susy: It’s a great place to see shows. Sturgeon: They got listed on the terrorist orga- (another band that Carrie and Emily Annie: It’s historic to this city – if thirty nization list early spring. were in together). Together, they’re so years can be considered historic. Susy: Oh my god. great. The combination of their vocals Sturgeon: I think a lot of what we’ve got Sturgeon: It’s a bookstore, you know? For was complimentary to one another. today is because that place has been people who want to make an organic farm or if Annie: They’ve got great moves. around and has been having cool shows you want to know what happened in Central Sturgeon: She was like Little Richard. and it’s a place where local bands can go America. It was all beer and blood and arrrrgggh- and play. Susy: People have different ideas. hh! It was also very – again, I feel stu- Annie: Or open up for bigger bands. pid in saying this in Susy: You look at any bill- comparison to this band board in the city and it’s – it was fast and dirty. owned by Clear Channel. All It was more punk. of them. Annie: If you can use Danny: And ninety percent that word anymore. of the radio. Danny: It was a lot Annie: Every time, “You’re faster. listening to blah, blah, blah, Sturgeon: It was Clear Channel Radio.” Ack. faster, but the mentality Sturgeon: The radio is so of it, there was never bad. Thank god for Radio K any thought to a future. and NPR. I hate to say that Danny: At work we listen to because it was awe- the eighties station. some. According to them, there Todd: When you first were only twenty-five songs started playing your that were from the eighties. instrument, name some It’s terrible. bands that you had in Sturgeon: When the news your brain at the time. for the war was on, it was, Susy: Go-Go’s. “This is a Clear Channel Sturgeon: Well, The update. We’re doing really Salteens. Emily taught well over there.” me to play and I still Danny: “This is exactly Danny: Not only do they have a drummer can’t play very much. Jawbreaker. The how things are going.” Misfits and the Dead Kennedys were Sturgeon: I heard that Colin - shhh - it's a boy. It's a secret. what I was listening to when I learned. Powell’s son was doing the I don’t really know if it had anything to news for it. do with it. Todd: Well, Michael Powell, the head of Danny: People want to learn. Weird. Danny: Mine were the Ramones, The the FCC, is Colin Powell’s son, who, on Sturgeon: Or know about political prison- Damned, and The Ventures. I learned June 2, 2003, said, “We’re not going to ers. It’s so bad. I can’t believe it. how to play surf beats first. I just taught keep anti-monopoly restrictions on nation- Annie: They try to call it a free country. myself from there. I still play them. al radio or national television because It’s ridiculous. It scares me. Annie: Sonic Youth, The Dead those are archaic laws that didn’t fathom Sturgeon: If it gets worse, I really want to Kennedys, and the Descendents. cable and satellite We should no longer start thinking about Canada. There’s feder- Todd: If you could shape beer bottles restrict them.” It doesn’t make any sense al grants for the arts. into a different design, what would it because ABC, NBC, the big five, all made Todd: Sturgeon, you were also in the band be. huge profits last year. And as much as peo- the Salteens. How does the direction of Susy: Grenade. ple hate basic TV and radio, they’re still this band differ from that? Annie: A bowling pin. As long as it free to watch and listen to. They’re such a Sturgeon: Well, let me just say that I was has a big mouth. huge influence. in the Salteens for the last two years. Susy: Budweiser has the bowling pin Sturgeon: All of them are CNN or Carrie and Emily really made the core of bottles. Warner. the band. I remember sitting in on their Annie: They do? How cute. Danny: They’re putting money before practices and it was really fun. I was all, Sturgeon: Is it real beer? variety or new ideas. “I’m going to buy a guitar and I’m going Susy: Yeah. Todd: Or dissenting voices. to learn how to play because I want to play Sturgeon: They would be insulated Sturgeon: Or, god, even good songs. I in their band.” It was a lot more – as hard and have a ring on them so you could think, in general, I think there’s much as it is to believe because this band is so put them on your belt. more restricted information and filtered fun oriented – it was a lot looser and it was Danny: I think that they would- information and stomping down. Arise a lot more about basement parties, if that’s n’t have a new shape. They’d Bookstore, in this town. possible. just be way bigger. Just a really Annie: This tiny little bookstore with Annie: They were less polished, but prob- big bottle. vegan recipe books and the ARA (Anti- ably more fun to watch. 59 PROTECT PAC the first logical step is making sure that the kids, literally and figuratively, don’t get fucked

ARTICLE BY TREY BUNDY artwork by art fuentes

Kids get fucked. I think we can all agree hired by another musician friend to work as these bands are out there slammin’ out their on this. Look up, look down, look under- counselors at a summer camp for severely music, screaming for change, and rallying ground. Almost no one is looking out for emotionally disturbed kids who had been the audience. However, most of these peo- the kids. Here in San Francisco, the last removed from their families because of ple don’t know what they can do to change venue for kids to see punk shows on a regu- abuse or neglect. The experience resonated what they’re pissed about. They drink, fall lar basis, Mission Records, has ceased to and we returned the following seven sum- down, and wake up the next day still pissed exist as a place for young folks to meet, mers, eventually taking jobs in various about whatever it is in the world that pisses mosh and god forbid, drink a forty. George group homes and residential treatment pro- them off. Myself included. I was pissed W. thinks if he shows up at a nursery school grams. I’m not here to get all Oprah about all kinds of stuff. I still am. And so, it and plops his pampered ass down on the Winfrey and tell you how rewarding it was seems, are most people you find at shows. floor with a bunch of pre-schoolers while because it wasn’t. But the anger generated God bless’em. It’s not easy to turn anger the cameras are looking that we’ll forget from constant exposure to what these kids into action and those who manage to usually about all that promised aid for public had been through was always enough to find themselves in small numbers, lacking schools that never arrived. If a nine-year-old keep me coming back. And anger is a two any real power. As a group or a scene or a wants to go on his class field trip to the sided coin. It can be destructive or it can be society, we aren’t focused on changing any aquarium so he can see an alligator, he has productive. When it comes to channeling one thing. Crime. Abortion. Famine. The to sell candy bars on the street (sometimes anger effectively, nothing beats sitting up ozone. Racism. Drug addiction. Save the competing for shop space with crack dealers all night trying to comfort a screaming kid whales. How the fuck is anyone supposed to or worse). who suffers from night terrors except get anything done? FUCKED UP PEOPLE DON’T GO TO HELL.

I shit you not, gang. I’m about ready to maybe restraining that kid physically to pre- Meanwhile, back at work, the kids I’m throw my vote at Arnold Schwarzenegger – vent her from committing suicide. This attempting to help are a mess. A mess that that’s right, The Governator – solely on the makes you angry. Angry at those who hurt is not their fault. And the bricks keep basis of his success in blasting an after her and made her this way. Angry at the falling. Our world is raising generation after school program initiative through the system that promised to help her and then generation of people so damaged and lack- California legislature. Even an overpaid failed to participate in her healing. And ing in empathy that they’ll never be able to Republican bodybuilder from Austria because it’s all right there in front of you, give two shits about any of the things that knows it. Kids get fucked. And when they you’re compelled by a sense of urgency and are endangering our species, much less do, we all take it in the ass with’em. your natural response is to suck it up and change them. Who’s in charge of cleaning These problems that kids face are com- focus solely on the needs of your client, up this junkyard and bailin’ our asses out of mon knowledge and most people have come much like the guys they send when you call this mess anyway? Republicans? to accept them. Now, let’s take off our 911. Properly directed, anger can be a Democrats? I’m not exactly brimming over gloves and talk about how kids really get miraculous source of fuel. And it’s recy- with confidence. Sure, on both sides as well fucked. More than thirty-five U.S. states clable because just when just when you as outside and in between, you can find lots have laws on the books which state, to vary- think you’ve run out of gas you realize that of people who are compassionate, commit- ing degrees, the following: an adult male because your client has no lawyer, some ted, determined and focused, but not nearly who has sex with a child has committed the judge has decided to grant the biological enough of them. And they all have their crime of rape and can be sentenced to twen- father (read: rapist) unsupervised visitation own particular issues that are chappin’ their ty years in prison. However, if the adult every other week effectively sending the kid hides. male and the child are related by blood then right back to the origin of her misery on a The problem here is that no matter who he has committed the crime of incest. He is bi-weekly basis. This makes you REALLY controls Congress, you need to be able to eligible for probation. I didn’t type it wrong angry. At the end of each week, it helped a fork over a significant block of votes if you and you read it just fine. Sexual predators lot to be in a punk rock band. want any politician to give a rat’s balls are being rewarded for not inconveniencing All this time, we kept playing shows, about your issue. That’s why gun enthusi- their neighbors whenever the mood strikes making records, drinking tons, and trying to asts, retired people, and big, fat corporations them to rape a child. This is called an incest remain welcome company in the punk usually get what they want. They are exception loophole. We’ll come back to it. scene. We played, watched, and read about focused and they move in large packs. This About eleven years ago, hundreds of shows. Gradually, it hit me like scares the snot out of politicians and makes 60 my band mates and I were a ton of bricks falling in slow motion. All them very easy to push around. How That’s where they come from. fuckin’ liberating does that sound? So let’s try to bring all this up to the sionals, trauma experts, psychiatrists, social Blackmail Congress! (See, activism can be present. The kids are still getting fucked. workers, investigators, musicians, authors, fun). But it takes focus and it takes the num- The good folks trying to right all the wrongs journalists, artists, filmmakers, professional bers. So, whatever your social agenda is, in the world are ass out with no constituen- lobbyists and campaign directors with more you’re going to need some help. cy. And our band’s favorite venue in the accumulated experience than can be mea- Where are we going to dig up our dedi- U.S. (Jay’s Upstairs in Missoula, Montana sured in centuries. Hell, even the guys who cated constituency? Back to the group home where the Moose Drool beer flows strong directed The Matrix are in on this. These are where a nine-year-old has just attacked his and pure) has just announced that they will folks who know how kids are mistreated roommate and written “FUCK YU I AM be permanently closing their doors in a mat- and it makes them sick. Sick enough to GONA CILL YU AN BERN YU” on his ter of weeks. Things are lookin’ pretty grue- puke. But they ain’t drinkin’ tea. They’ve bedroom wall using a magic marker and his some, but believe it or not, I’ve managed to decided that focus plus participation equals own feces simply because you said the word locate some hope. And more than just a power in Washington, where it will now be “furnace” in his presence. The word proba- shred. seen to that kids finally have a voice. bly reminded him of the emotional or physi- While I may very well live out my days cal torture he suffered at the hands of his without ever getting drunk on Moose Drool abuser. Call me crazy, but when this kid again, a plan is finally in action that can Here’s a list of people who would do well to grows up, he might be too busy being a simultaneously protect the kids, ream those join PROTECT: junkie or a suicide or a sexual predator to who prey on them, and help produce a bother showing up at the polls. future generation of strong, caring adults to 1) People who recognize the inherent Addiction, depression and rape are go about the business of saving the world. obligation of a species to protect its themselves serious problems that need seri- The plan is The National Association to young. ous fixing but where do you think such Protect Children or PROTECT and it’s the 2) People who feel powerless to impact the afflicted people come from? Do you think first of its kind. It’s a political action com- problems that hit closest to their particu- they’re emerging from paradise to become mittee (like the NRA) made up of seasoned lar squat. strung out, predatory, self-mutilating pros whose only agenda is the protection of 3) People touched by a sense of empathy or adults? I don’t. Fucked up people don’t go children. PROTECT’S advisory board alone morality. to hell. That’s where they come from. Over- is an astonishing resume of accomplishment 4) Gleefully self-centered people without a crowded foster homes equal over-crowded and dedication, comprised of world care in their hearts for the plight of oth- prisons. renowned lawyers, mental health profes- ers who just want a better world to wan- der around being useless in. helped people to understand that we were because alone they’re stuck in a nightmare 5) People who are sick of rhetoric, eva- not here to ‘take positions’ and ‘talk’ but to where you try to scream but nothing comes siveness, and lies every time a politi- fight and win real battles.” out. cian is asked to speak to the needs of This demonstration of instant action and Now I know by now I’m sounding like children. effectiveness is indicative of the man who a preachy bastard and I know that punks 6) Mean, nasty S.O.B.s who walk around birthed the notion of a political lobby for don’t like to be told what to do. But I also pissed off all the time looking for some kids. Author and attorney for children, know that every one wishes they could one to unleash their anger on. PRO- Andrew Vachss, has been calling for an change things and it’s tough to do it alone. TECT is going after the fuckers who “NRA for kids” for years. As Weeks Am I promising that if you join PROTECT deserve it. remembers, “When I first heard him say this today then tomorrow you’ll wake up in a in a newspaper interview, I nearly fell out of world that’s all cold beer, good bands, and Here’s how: Remember the incest my chair. The guy not only nailed it but he mandatory life imprisonment for gay-bash- exception loophole? PROTECT closed it in was using a nail gun. And you just couldn’t ing nazi skinheads who beat up people at North Carolina and Arkansas. Illinois is argue with his analysis of the kind of people shows? No. But if we want quell a true next, in a matter of weeks, if Governor Rod who traditionally care about ‘children’s source of misery on this planet then we Blagojevich knows what’s good for him. issues,’ but also care about the environment, have to start somewhere and as far as I can And on and on it’s gonna go. This means health food, and third world development.” see, the first logical step is making sure that that evil rotten motherfuckers who prey on Of such people Vachss says, “You can be a the kids, literally and figuratively, don’t get their children will be showering with their wonderful, loving person but your love is a fucked. own kind instead of with kids. pad of butter on a 20 foot piece of bread. PROTECT will also be lightin’ fires Who’s gonna taste it?” To learn more about the fight to protect under asses to implement two and three Who ingoddamndeed? PROTECT is the children, organize music related fundraisers strike laws that will lock up predatory sex result of the blood, sweat, and tenacity of or join PROTECT visit: offenders, not shoplifters and dope fiends. many people who share that belief and or fill out the card inserted in this magazine. (Many of the latter, by the way, were once understand that it is our obligation to fight the kids these laws weren’t around to pro- vigilantly and tirelessly to ensure that chil- For the comprehensive dope on child tect when they needed them). These battles dren have a voice in the political arena protection visit: are just the tip of the iceberg. PROTECT is also fighting for foster care and juvenile jus- tice reform, better background checks on Children will never have political those who work with kids, better training muscle until people get off the and salaries for those who work in child protection, guaranteed mental health ser- sidelines and start swinging. vices and independent legal representation for victims of child abuse, accountability on behalf of the justice system regarding the handling of child abuse proceedings and a full scale war against child trafficking and pornography. The list goes on and on. I e- mailed Grier Weeks, PROTECT’s executive director, and asked him what members would be called on to do. He mentioned various ways to help and followed them with this: “The most important thing we ask our members to do is join. The NRA does- n’t have four million supporters. It has four million members. The AARP doesn’t have thirty million who think it would be a good idea to fight for their rights, they have thirty million members. Children will never have political muscle until people get off the sidelines and start swinging.” That’s exactly what PROTECT has done. They were incorporated in June 2002 with their doors swingin’ wide open in January 2003. And they came out of the gates fast. They had to. Within days of hanging an OPEN sign in the PROTECT window, Parade ran an article about their successful efforts to change the incest exception law in North Carolina and the state by state battle to change similar laws elsewhere became a race against the clock. “At the same time PROTECT was starting up,” Weeks said, “so were the legislative sessions in most states. So we got legisla- tion introduced in Arkansas and Illinois in the first few months. That paid off because not only did we change laws, but we gave our membership critical momentum and Tim Kerr is the equivalent to Suburban Voice’s Al Quint. He’s old enough, has paid more than his share of dues, and has been doing his thing continuously for so long, he has every right to be a complete fucking bastard. Or a jaded prick. Or a charity case. But he’s not. He’s the opposite. He’s still excited. He’s still on top of his game. Here’s a guy who was an awesome, influential guitar player in the Big Boys – one of the rightfully heralded, truly original punk bands that shrugged off boundaries, took cues from funk, soul, and hardcore, and made some of the best albums of the ‘80s. Standing tall – much like the Minutemen’s catalog – almost twenty years down the road, those records are still vital. The Big Boys’ one-two-three punch of The Skinny

would be inflated to the size of The Hindenburg. Not Tim. He’s so extremely humble, to the point that people admiring him is a strange concept. I suspect that if I could get an X-ray of Tim’s chest and hold it up to the light, his heart would be much bigger than yours or mine. Say hey to one of the best eggs that have committed to the long haul. –Todd In the first minute or two of meeting Tim, I felt totally at ease, like we had met before, which we had not. When he went back home, at the end of the week it felt like someone in my family was leaving for a long time. To most people, things are “okay.” To Tim, things are “pretty fuckin’ great!” followed with a Elvis, The Fat Elvis, and Wreck Collection deserve to be in any (smile) or maybe even a (big smile). If you EVER get the chance self-respecting record collection. By all accounts, if Tim stopped to stop and talk to Tim, I highly recommend it. You’ll never be the there, he’d be a rad dude. same and you’ll have family in Texas. (smile) –Julia Instead, Tim not only went on to be in more great bands – like the supergroup Monkeywrench and Poison 13 – he began Julia: Name, age and current occupation. producing bands. Hundreds of bands. People bandy around Tim Kerr: Eighteen forever. I do graphic art at the library. seemingly simple words like “garage punk” or anything akin to Julia: Were you born and raised in Texas? “blues-damaged punk.” Tim, in no small way, quietly helped Tim: Hell yeah! pave that road to be traveled on. If you haven’t heard of him, Julia: Would you or could you ever not live in Texas? that’s fine. He’s not in it for the ten-minute hot burn of fame. Tim: Ummm, no, I’ll tell you why. We have been talking about He’s in it because it’s his love, his seed that needs constant nur- this lately. We almost moved to Seattle one time in the ‘90s. Me turing. What’s really amazing is that with almost anyone else, and Beth (Tim’s wife), before any of this music stuff ever got start- going along with this long line of praise, their head ed, had talked about moving to California. At this point now, as 64 crazy as this sounds, I’m really pretty got a twin.” “Yeah, I taught him geography out stuff that isn’t given to you on that fuckin’ proud I’m from Texas. It’s hard to in Beaumont.” I thought, “You’re cool radio, that you found out about on your explain to people; it’s not a Southern thing. dad.” own, if that’s in you already it seems to me There’s a real distinct thing in Texas where the people are just a whole lot more open and bands are usually a lot crazier and kinda stick out like sore thumbs, for better or for worse, wherever they go. And the history of it – everything from Ornette Coleman to Thirteenth Floor Elevators – it’s kinda cool being from there, ya know? Beth found this cartoon and it was a little boy and his dad and another guy. The little boy says to the other guy, “Hi, where are Julia: When did you first start playing like that would just keep growing until you from?” and the dad says to the son, music? you’re dead because there’s so much more “Son, don’t ask the man where he’s from. Tim: I started playing guitar and piano in stuff to hear and so much more stuff to see. If he’s from Texas he’ll tell you and if he’s elementary school. The British Invasion There’s so much more stuff to be surprised not, don’t embarrass him.” had a lot to do with it. My brothers are ten about. There are so many people who say, I told you that story when we (The and eight years older than me. One of them “Punk rock stopped in ‘77,” “Punk rock Monkeywrench) were in Spain... I had was totally into soul music and one of stopped in 1982,” “Punk rock stopped with snapped the neck on my guitar on the first them was totally into Hank Williams and this...” There’s a day and they don’t listen song and I had gone through three ampli- stuff like that, which I didn’t like at the anymore. They think they’re listening, but fiers by the time we had got to the start of time, but now I do. Every time I can ever they ain’t listening at all ‘cause they com- the third song, so they were all rushin’ remember being in a car with the radio on, pare everything now to that and don’t just back there to try to fix my amps, and Tom I heard their music, up until the Beatles. take it as it’s something different. went up to the microphone and said, “Oh, When that all happened, that was kinda With that in mind, that’s what bothers don’t mind Tim. He’s drunk.” So I went up like my music. me, too, when you get into these kind of to the microphone and said, “Man, I’m not Julia: Do you even know how many bands interviews. I can’t stress enough I’m total- drunk. I’m from Texas!” and the whole you’ve been in? ly proud of all this stuff. I’m amazed that place went crazy. Tim: [laughter] Ummm, I can sit and start we’re sitting here right now doing this Julia: Name a Texas hardcore band that countin’. It’s not that many. Big Boys was interview. I was amazed when Razorcake never got its due. the first. During Big Boys there was this was sending me magazines. I figured they Tim: The Marching Plague from San band – it was one summer where every- thought I was Tim Kerr Records. I’m total- Antonio, TX were pretty fuckin’ great. body that was in bands at home were all in ly proud of all this stuff. I don’t mind talk- There’s a lot of bands; that’s a really hard other bands just for the summer – and I ing about it with people. I think it’s really question. It was such an unbelievable com- was in this band called the Court great, but it really, really bothers me that munity back then. It was even a communi- Reporters. The Court Reporters were a there are so many people that that’s (back ty between states. It was just this big fami- total Gang of Four sound, a three piece, then) the best thing that ever happened. It’s ly and you never really wanted to leave and that’s where “Jump the Fence” came horrible to say, but man, kill yourself, ya anybody out. When you look at records from. The Court Reporters were Chris know? I don’t even understand what you from back then, there’s always this huge Gates’ all time favorite band, hands down. think you should live for if you think “thank you” list ‘cause nobody wanted to We played, maybe three shows and Chris you’ve already missed it. And now you’re leave anyone out. taped them all. If you get Wreck Collection living for these bands to have these Julia: What did your parents do? on CD, there’s a hidden track at the end reunions so that you can go back? Most Tim: My dad was an elementary school and it’s Court Reporters doing “Jump the people, when they go to reunions think principal and my mom was an elementary Fence” from a show that Chris had taped. that’s what it was like, and it wasn’t at all! school librarian at two totally different So that’s two. Julia: What do you see as the biggest schools and both my brothers were coach- Poison 13, Bad Mutha Goose, improvement in the music scene from es. I think my dad really liked my involve- Monkeywrench – the first Monkeywrench, when you got into it to now? ment with music and art because, although Jack O’ Fire and sometime during Jack O’ Tim: I’m not sure there’s any improve- I played sports around the neighborhood, I Fire was this thing called Fistfight. The ment. [laughter] I guess it’s cool that there didn’t really care for school sports. I think more people you can plant seeds with or are so many people aware of all the stuff he was happy that one of his boys was get inspired – that sounds really corny that happened. That’s pretty great, ‘cause more into art and music and things like because it sounds like I’m trying to inspire anytime anyone’s hearing something new, that, so they were pretty supportive. When people – but it’s not that thought out. I just that’s wonderful. As far as people taking PBS first came on, it was the only other do what I do and if that action causes the ball and running with it or bringing the weird channel. They would have bands on someone else to get up and do something, flag, which is what I always say, there’s there all the time. My dad and me would then I am overjoyed and overwhelmed. not a lot of people that brought that flag. watch these shows. Johnny Winter was on There is still so much to learn, see and do. It’s a totally different ballgame now. I was one time with Tom Waits and this is way I think we talked about this at the stu- talking about this with somebody the other back. My dad comes in and is like, “I dio, about what makes you stop. It’s the day, I can’t remember who it was, about know that guy.” I was like, “huh?” weirdest thing to me that you have the seed the whole label thing. I’m whatever they “Doesn’t he have a brother?” “Yeah, he’s in your head to begin with, you’re seeking call it next. Whatever they call it next, that’s what we’re going to be. That’s band, and you’ll start naming off bands like, “Oh, have you seen what we’re going to be continually. Lee County Killers?” “Who?” It amazes me, because back then we To me, punk rock now is so not the knew about every band, whether you liked it or not. Also, I think way it was. Whatever, who cares. Ya bands start up now more so because they think they’re gonna make know, to each his own, but it’s defi- a living, be on MTV, they’re gonna be the White Stripes. You’re nitely not this big community. not starting a band because it’s like, “Man, I saw these nuts up There’s people doing it. Don’t get there last night, I wanna do that too.” Skating has become like that me wrong, there are pockets, but it’s a lot as well. a minority of people that have the Julia: Have you ever had deep sound disagreements with a band idea of this being a community and that you were recording? everybody trying to get something Tim: No, because basically I work for the band. If I have a prob- changed. Not changed like in a lem with what they’re doing, which has happened a couple times, I political way, just a human thing. drop it because it’s not my band. I’ll suggest something. If I really Julia: What’s the biggest disap- feel strongly about it, I’ll argue with the person for a little bit just pointment or frustration in the to see how strong they feel about what they’re talking about, but music scene from when you got basically I’m working for them. I’ve had problems into it to now? twice with engineers where the engineer decided Tim: It’s just a shame to see a lot they were going to mix the record and it didn’t of people who came from back matter what the band said, it didn’t matter what I then that didn’t bring the flag. said, it was them that was going to do it. That’s bad. That’s bad But, you know, who cares. I can’t news because what happens is you start second guessing yourself. stress that enough. I’m not on a You’re sitting there listening and you ask them to turn the treble up soap box about it. That’s their and they’ll pretend to turn the knob, but not really do it and I’m life. They can do whatever they thinking, “Okay, I don’t hear any more treble,” so if I ask him to fuckin’ want to do, but it is turn it up more is he going to think I’m an idiot ‘cause he really did kind of sad. turn it up, or what? When that happens I usually tell the band Julia: What, if any, difference what’s happening and tell them to decide what they want to do. But do you see between the atti- that’s only been twice. Most of the time everybody’s totally into it. tude and motivation between Your biggest compliment is if the band likes it and if the band the bands around when you actually, in a really corny sort of way, kinda grew a little bit. Kind got into the scene and the of grew closer, kind of realized some stuff that they didn’t know bands today? they could do, that kinda stuff and that’s great. Tim: It’s different now, Julia: What do you do when things don’t go smooth? ‘cause the only motivation Tim: Things usually go pretty smoothly. There’s things you can do back then was basically to when people are starting to freak out. First of all, it’s always good have something to do, to to have somebody in there that doesn’t have baggage with the band keep people starting up that cares about what’s going on, because I can tell someone he’s things and doing flat or their drum beat is slowing down, but if your singer tells you fanzines, starting new that, it’s going to set something off that happened four shows ago bands, ‘cause they’re not and everybody’s fighting and yelling. Also, when things are getting going to play this on the kind of crazy, if you just leave the studio, just go outside for a radio, so it was fun. It minute, it will help. Talk to people. was basically to keep When you find out somebody’s really upset about something, your scene going and find out why. If someone in the band absolutely has to have a par- then hopefully get to see ticular thing on that record then make the rest of the band listen to other people’s scenes what’s being said and let’s try to figure out a way to put some of and have people come what he or she is talking about in there, because this could end up and visit your scene. It being, hands-down the greatest record ever made and the one per- was really close knit son who didn’t get their say is going to hate it. There’s a lot back then. Everybody involved and it’s a skill in a sense, but it’s not a skill that I studied was reading all the or anything like that. It came about from being in so many bands fanzines. Now, it’s real- and being around people all the time and kind of being looked at ly funny ‘cause you’ll like “dad” or a band leader. And, it’s caring about people. The first go up to somebody that thing I tell a band is when we go in and record, we’re not solving you’d think would world peace. You should look at it like, let’s document this point in know about different bands, like say a garage time. How we got to here, why we started this with this group of big loogie friends. We may not be in here tomorrow, somebody may die, as right on his horrible as that sounds, but it can happen. Make something that cheek. Gary twenty years from now, when you put that needle down on that went right to record, you just start smiling and think, “Man, that was a crazy the front row, weekend. We got this crazy nut from Texas to come down here and where the kid do this.” was, and eats Julia: Have you ever mic’d a it. The whole vibra slap? front row Tim: That was my pet peeve up stepped back. until this year. This year, for some reason, somebody hit one and I Texas! didn’t cringe. It’s a long story. We did an instrumental in the Big Julia: Is it Boys, I think it was an instrumental, I don’t even remember now at true people this point, but Biscuit (the lead singer of the Big Boys) started used to slight playing a vibra slap on stage. He started making such a complete the Red Hot overblown, ridiculous production of playing that thing that it got to Chili Peppers where I didn’t want to hear it anymore. So now, when I hear that by calling them the “Small Boys,” as a reference to not being as sound, it kind of takes me back to that. good as the Big Boys? Julia: Could you tell me how you ended up on guitar and Chris Tim: Oh, I don’t know about that. The very first time we ever saw ended up on bass. the Chili Peppers, they were really amazing. It was total James Tim: Flipped a coin. We were skating and we were talking about Brown. It had no rock in it. It didn’t have any kind of funky rock, starting this band up and getting Biscuit to sing, ‘cause we knew he funky punk. It was straight-up James Brown. Me and Chris got into sang. We both (Chris and I) played guitar so we flipped a coin to an argument that night because I was going, “This is great. They see who was going to play bass. call us funk? We need to start playing more James Brown type Julia: What did Biscuit’s sweat smell like? stuff,” and Chris was saying, “That’s not funk. The Ohio Players Tim: Baloney sandwiches. He did this show one time where he are funk.” We ended up getting into an argument about James had sandwiches in baggies safety pinned all over this jumpsuit he Brown and the Ohio Players. The first time we played with them, had on. During the show, he’s throwing the sandwiches out to the they did a Big Boys rap. It was weird, because every time I saw crowd. I swear to god, it had to have been at least a year later, we them after that they got progressively more funky punk, funky were at this big show and somebody throws one of those sandwich- rock. There were other bands – Gang of Four was pretty funky es up on stage, in the baggy and everything. So Biscuit takes it out, sounding. There were a lot of bands doing something other than the puts it under his arm and sings most of the set with this sandwich straight-up Sex Pistols sound. There was that band here that was so under his arm. Then, at some point, he pulls it out and eats it. great, Black Randy and the Metrosquad. The best gross out story is in San Francisco. Big Boys had Julia: Could you clarify the whole Bad Brains coming to Texas played there and here come the Dicks. Jello Biafra pulls Gary (the and not digging the homosexuals story. lead singer of the Dicks) aside and tells him, “You know, you real- Tim: Okay, first of all, Biscuit never really... being gay was not an ly probably better not wear that nurse’s uniform, because when the issue. He was gay. We all knew he was gay. We had friends that Big Boys were here, the singer wore a dress and people gave them were gay. We didn’t have songs about it. He didn’t announce it on a bunch of shit.” Gary went out there anyway and some kid spit a stage – not because he was hiding it – it just wasn’t an issue. Nobody cared. So here come Bad Brains. They stayed at our house. To this day, they were probably one of the better bands I ever saw. They were 67 fuckin’ amazing live! The Bad Brains came about them. When MDC was touring with to the house. At the time, I was getting them, they started realizing the unbelievable ready to do an art show so there were a lot stuff Bad Brains were preaching, like of pieces around, and I had this thing called women should be barefoot having babies the Voodoo Box in the house. It was this and they told MDC, “You guys are great. altar kind of thing. They covered that up Why don’t you come back to New York and with a sheet because of their religion. I record with us, but you’re going to need to thought it was kinda funny, but no big deal. change some of your lyrics,” and stuff like I didn’t know anything about Rastafarian at that. So, once again, to each his own. David the time. I do now, and I also realize now, was a nice guy but one of those people that that they weren’t Rastafarian. They were the would just bend your ear about whatever the American version of “people that saw Bob lyrics he was singing were or issues and you Marley and decided they were going to be kind of didn’t know what to believe. So Rastafarian.” A real Rastafarian is “to each when he called and told us, “Oh, no, we’ve his own.” They don’t agree with homosexu- got to change this. Stop the show. You don’t ality or things like that, BUT “to each his know what’s going on. They’re making us own.” change our lyrics,” we just took it as David, There was also a poster in our bathroom you know? Like, was it really that bad? We that Biscuit had done for one of our shows all learned later that it was that bad. and it shut the punk rock club here – Raul’s So I come home from work and MDC is – down, so originals of this poster were kind on one side of our sidewalk and the Bad of a big deal here in Austin. Brains are on the It was this naked guy stand- other side of the ing with a cowboy hat on and sidewalk, yelling at a big dick hanging down and the top of their lungs it said, “Hot and bothered at each other. That’s young men at Raul’s, Dicks, the next part of Insert, Big Boys.” Those “Brick Wall.” I walk were the three bands playing. inside, and I will It got the club shut down always have this in because the T.A.B.C. (Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission) my mind, this picture, because I guarantee you, THAT was when thought there was going to be nude people, and sex acts at the the Bad Brains broke up and were never the same. Right at that show. It was a big fuckin’ deal when it happened and it scared us point at that minute, because Earl, H.R.’s brother, the drummer, when it happened because we thought, “We haven’t been together was sitting in a chair and looked up at me and was shaking his head that long and we’ve already shut the place down.” saying, “Tim, I’m sorry,” obviously questioning what was going Now, Spot (producer of many Black Flag, Hüsker Dü, and on. I walked back and saw Beth and we talked for a second. Now Descendents records) had just been staying at our house recording I’m shaking inside because it’s, like, something’s got to happen and had just left to go back to LA. I went into the bathroom and here and I guess it’s gotta be me that does this. So I go outside and there’s a piece of toilet paper stuck over the guy’s dick. I thought I basically stand in the middle of them and said, “If you guys want Spot did it just kiddin’ around, so I took the paper off. Didn’t think to yell, go to your house.” I was pointing at David. “Because this is anything of it. Go to the show. Bad Brains didn’t see the Dicks my house and I don’t wanna hear this stuff, so either go to your ‘cause they’d already seen pictures of Gary Floyd in that nurse’s house and yell or shut up.” So they were leaving. The Bad Brains outfit. They watched Big Boys, and after we played, they were all had a show in Houston and H.R. didn’t have a bed, so we gave him hugging us and asking if all those people always come up on stage a rolled-up foam bed to take with him. Still, we’re being nice with and sing along, going on and on and on. H.R. hugged Biscuit. I was them, and they are leaving. Now I swear I saw this. When they standing right there. I saw HR step back like something was on his were all leaving, H.R. went up to Beth and said, “Don’t worry mind or an afterthought. Then H.R. asked Biscuit, “Are you gay?” about Tim. We’ll pray for him.” Beth lost it and told him, “Get the and Biscuit said “Yeah.” H.R. stepped back and just started yelling, FUCK out of my house!” over and over and backed him up out of “This is Babylon. This truly is Babylon. San Francisco’s not the house. So they’re gone. Babylon. This is Babylon!” Screaming. Now we start seeing some things wrong around the house I had Both people screaming, that’s the first part of “Brick Wall,” a picture of the Pope that I was using in this painting for my because it was like two brick walls yelling at other. For awhile upcoming show, that had the words “No more Heroes,” but now Biscuit was kind of yelling back, defending himself, which was the picture is gone. The poster in the bathroom that shut Raul’s stupid because, [Tim puts two fists together] “brick wall.” Then, down, now has a band aid stuck over the guy’s dick so that the the greatest thing Biscuit did realizing what was going on – H.R.’s only way you can get it off is to tear the poster. All they had to do yelling, “This is Babylon” and Biscuit just looked H.R. right in the was come up to me and say they were offended by these things and eye and goes, “Yeah, and I’m the Devil.” Now, Biscuit had sold I would have taken it down or covered it. Instead, they fuck it up or them “something” Rastafarians love, even after all accusations, that steal it. They gave me an envelope that felt weighted, like money they were suppose to leave money with me for. Needless to say, inside, addressed to Biscuit. I’m not going to open it because it’s the rest of the night was a little awkward back at the house. The addressed to him. Biscuit comes and gets it. There’s a bunch of next day I go to work and Beth is at home. Beth is a really, really crumpled up paper in it, no money, and one little note that says, great, great person, who doesn’t get that upset about things. She “May you burn it hell. –Bad Brains.” calls me up crying and I have to come home from work ‘cause Okay, now the part that nobody has ever quite understood or something’s going on. gotten, except for people back then, is that us, Big Boys, as a band, Now, we have to backup for a second. Before the Bad Brains the most important thing we had an issue with the Bad Brains was came to Austin, David MDC had called us from San Francisco to not any of the gay issues or anything like that. It was just basically, set the show up and none of us knew who Bad Brains were – “You just fucked over somebody because you were supposed to Biscuit knew but the rest of us didn’t know anything give them this much money and you didn’t do it. There’s good 68 people. There’s bad people. Good people don’t do that shit. You learn something about yourself, you learn something about life, or owe Biscuit this much money, period.” You also don’t come into you learn something. People say that I’m nice, but I think that’s someone else’s house and fuck with or steal things you do not Texas. agree with. That’s where we were coming from. Julia: Yeah, the first time I was introduced to you, you gave me a That was the summer that MDC toured and got big. They went hug. all over the United States. They sat, just like I’m sitting here with Tim: That’s just being a human being. We wouldn’t be sitting here you, and went through all these interviews and told everybody and be family. This would be one of those kind of interviews. about their gay friends that got fucked over by the Bad Brains. Julia: If there was any pair of shoes in this world you could have Which, fine, that’s great... but it was amazing. We started getting what would they be? this mail that was either like, “Man, we really support the gays and Tim: Brown winos and a new one now. There’s brand new green stuff and you can come to our town anytime at all,” or it was like, Alvas that they only made in Japan. They totally look like the old “If you fucking faggots ever come to this town, we’re going to, school Vans with the stripe, like the ones Ian (MacKaye) used to blah, blah, blah.” It was amazing shit – because of MDC’s inter- wear, but these are green and they’re fuckin’ amazing looking. You views – when all we had a problem with was mainly the money can’t get ‘em here. You can only get them in Japan. and stealing issue. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure we had a problem Julia: What size? with the whole gay deal, and a lot of what they were spouting out, Tim: Size eight. but in general our biggest thing was the money. In my mind, though I agreed with a lot of what MDC was saying in those inter- views, they were also just as bad as the Bad Brains because they were coming off like, the Bad Brains believe this and that’s wrong! You should believe this. This is the right point of view. When the Bad Brains got to Houston, their tires got slit because word was already out. They were supposed to go to Dallas and the club called and wanted to know how much money it was that they owed Biscuit. They were going to take it out of their money and send it to us. I told the club that Bad Brains needed to pay us on their own. Thank you, but no. Eventually, probably because of all the shit they were getting, they did send us the money, but it was their roadie/ sound guy that did this. They didn’t come back to Texas for a long time. Julia: Why – and I admire you for it – won’t the Big Boys do a reunion show? Tim: Because the Big Boys were part of the show. The crowd was the other part. The crowd is ABSOLUTELY not the same now. The crowd that’s coming now is coming to be entertained. It’s a show, like going to a rock show now. It was absolutely not like that back then. We could be better, who knows, but it ain’t us. I don’t want people coming – which I’ve seen happen, at shows where a kid will come up to me – going, “Man, that was great. I saw ‘em!” You didn’t see them. Yeah, you saw ‘em and it was kinda cool, but, I’m sorry, you DID NOT see what it was like back then, the community of it. Julia: Do you have any advice – like, how do you approach what you do as opposed to fif- teen years ago? Do you think you’ve mel- lowed out or do you just have a natural, nice way with of dealing with people? Tim: I don’t really approach it that different- ly. I think I probably don’t argue as much. I don’t feel like I have to prove anything to any- body. Religion’s like that a lot where you have some Jesus freak that’s really telling me all about Jesus and you can kind of tell it’s because they’re not really sure about it either. I don’t think I’ve really mellowed out. I think I’m just more open. I never really shut myself off. I try to be aware of people and what’s going on. Even in a case, like the Bad Brains scenario, you learn something. You either Jason Patrone prior to joining the Bucks, he never played for the Kings. The The question is this: 1. Who was the player; 2. What team photos by Rev. Nørb and Lisa Connolly did he play for other than the : Vocals Milwaukee Bucks; and 3. Ed Carroll: Drums Interview What number did the Kings by Rev. Nørb retire? FM Knives: [general mur- Zack Olson: Bass muring and consultation] Chris Woodhouse: Guitar Nørb: I think i could also make this a quadrapartite question because i think the Kings did retire #1, but for a different player. If you get on Moo-La-La Records – the Li’l Bunnies that, you get bonus points. The FM Knives’ Useless and Modern CD old label, f’r Chrissakes!!! One couldn’t FM Knives [consultation will certainly go down in history as one of help but ask oneself what manner of mys- ends]: Bob McAdoo. the more compelling Rock Artifacts of the terious beings ARE these FM Knives, and Nørb: I’m afraid that’s incor- early Third Millennium, not only for its how have they come to emit such a com- rect. inherent late ‘70s/early ‘80s pseudo- pellingly ace album in such a curious vor- FM Knives [adamantly]: Bob British-punk-rock-power-pop swellness tex of anonymity? Needless to say, given McAdoo, Bob McAdoo, Bob (The Buzzcocks fronted by Mick Jones in the chance to interview the band – four McAdoo! lieu of Pete Shelley? The American 999? Caucasian male humans from Sacramento Nørb: Er, the player is Oscar The Vapors crocked out of their gourds on – i gladly accepted, if only to slake mine Robertson, who wore #14 for Pabst Blue Ribbon and Geno’s Pizza own burning thirst for knowledge of whom the Cincinnati Royals, who Rolls?), but also for its initial freekin’ these mortals be, and whyfore be they later became the Sacramento ENIGMATICNESS. I mean, who the fuck thus. The following conversation took Kings. were these guys, and where were they place at Milwaukee’s Cactus Club; we FM Knives: Ah. from? Here? There? Everywhere? There opted, rather indulgently, to conduct the Nørb: I think Nate “Tiny” was no back story, no known history, no interview in the warm, noisy bar in lieu of Archibald wore #1 for the personnel listing, no band photo, no noth- going back outside into the cold, shitty Kings but i might be mistaken. in’ – just an e-mail contact, an address to Wisconsin, and my ability to faithfully tran- Ed: We don’t know any bas- order more CDs from, and a black and scribe the band’s various rantings and rav- ketball trivia. Ask us baseball white snapshot of a rather foppish look- ings suffered as a result. I apologize in trivia. ing new wave gent (or was it somebody’s advance for any erroneous transcription Nørb: Well, this isn’t trivia, grandpa, back in the day?) on the front on my part, unless it’s kinda funny. but i was thinking of this on cover. AND, to add further layers of radi- the way down: If you were a cal befuddlement to the equation, it was baseball announcer, what would your signature home Nørb [arriving at club]: Good evening. I am run call be? here to interview the FM Knives. Ed [pause]: “That’s a big Club Dude: Cool. dong!” Nørb [whistling as he walks thru club looking All: [miscellaneous chuck- for band]: Doo dee doo dee doo, doo dee doo ling] dee doo... Nørb: That’s good, that’s [ten minutes pass] good... i was thinking mine Nørb: Wow, i’ve been walking around the would be “ELVIS – has LEFT club for like ten minutes and i don’t see any- – the BUILDING!” Okay, one who looks like the guy from the CD okay... we’re gonna start the cover... interview for real now: [ten more minutes pass; eventually, directions Because your CD packaging are requested, the band is met, decorum is was so devoid of information, established and we hunker down in a booth.] you were a virtual enigma to Nørb: Very well then. We will start with a the rest of the world, so we trivia question. A tripartite trivia question at need to start with real mun- that. As you see, i am wearing a Milwaukee dane background informa- Bucks jersey with the numeral “1” on it. The tion... but, since it would be question is as follows: YOU are from boring to ask who you are, Sacramento, correct? what instrument you play, and FM Knives: [general murmurs of assent] your age, we will ask who you Nørb: Wait, wait, that’s not the question yet. are, what instrument you play, Okay, okay, YOU are from Sacramento, and and what the best album you are PLAYING in Milwaukee. Now, the released in the year of your player whose jersey i am wearing just had his birth was. number retired by the Sacramento Kings this Ed: Ed, the drummer, and month. His number, #1, has also been retired Arthur by the Kinks. by the Milwaukee Bucks. HOWEVER! The Jason: I’m Jason, I’m the number the Kings retired was NOT #1. singer. Since I was born in Ball lightning is a very real threat to my safety! Further, although this player played for a team II mustmust remainremain everever vigilant!vigilant! ‘72, I’ll say Exile On Main Nørb: Okay, next question: mailed the band to ask them if Street and keep it generic. Why aren’t you the AM that was the actual lyric. Nørb: Mighty slim pickin’s in 1972... Knives? Amazingly, it was.) Jason (begging to differ): Well, there’s Jason: Well, we don’t see Jason: That would be me. The Slider in ‘72, there’s Ziggy ourselves as, like, a morning Nørb: Now, what exactly Stardust in ‘72, but we’re not gonna kind of drug band. Like, “AM, does that mean, “You didn’t talk about Ziggy Stardust. man, let’s do knives in the always look just like Nick Nørb: The Slider is a bit overrated, i morning, too, man!” No, “FM Fury,” like your girlfriend has must say... Knives” just sounds cooler. got stubble and is missing an Jason: It’s no Electric Warrior. Chris, “AM Knives” sounds like an eye? what year were you born in? early morning radio talk show Jason: No. It used to be “you Nørb: No, don’t actually divulge the shift. didn’t always put me in a year, just the record! It’s more charis- Nørb: But, i mean, in this day fury,” but all the lines get matic that way. and age, AM radio is per- changed to Marvel™ Comic Chris: Ummm...I’m Chris, the guitar player, and it kind of wasn’t an official release at the time, but there’s a Pink Fairies thing that year that I like. I can’t think of anything else! Jason: What year? Chris: 1971. Nørb: Yeah, you’re screwed. Ed: Wasn’t there a Kinks album that year? Nørb: Muswell Hillbillies? Ed: Yeah, that was ‘71. The first RCA album. [conversation devolves into essentially forgettable Muswell Hillbillies v. Lola vs. Powerman & The Moneygoround esoteria] Nørb: To be honest, i always found Ray Davies’ voice kind of annoying. Not as annoying as Glen Danzig or that guy from Creed, but pretty annoying nonetheless. And, GOD DAMMIT, ...Well,...Well, Regis,Regis, II gotgot mymy firstfirst realreal workwork inin thethe “biz”“biz” I’VE GOT PLENTY OF EXPERI- ENCE WITH ANNOYING VOICES! Jason: Zack is our bass player, he’s the same age as me, 1972. I’m trying to think of what he would say... Nørb: Wasn’t there a New York Dolls asas aa PatPat SmickSmick stuntstunt double.double. AfterAfter that,that, I...I... album that year? Jason: Oh yeah, yeah, that’s what he’d say. ceived – perceived – as being things because we were get- Nørb: Well, then we can’t have that! cooler than FM radio. ting bored at shows, so I’d FM Knives (as one): HEART Ed: It is cooler. hafta look at Zack and change ATTACK! HEART ATTACK BY Nørb: Well, in theory, but in it to a comic book thing, to see DUST!!! [general merry sounds of reality it’s all right-wing talk if he’d catch it, to keep him on consensus et. al.] show hosts. But i mean, i his toes. Nørb: I’ve heard good things about mean, your music sort of hear- Nørb: Was it the old Sgt. Marky’s drumming in Dust (note: Dust kens back to a time when FM Fury, when he had two eyes, = Marky Ramone/Marc Bell’s band radio was still considered or the “Agent of SHIELD” prior to the Voidoids) something that was cool, or Nick Fury with the eyepatch..? Ed: Oh, it’s unbelievable. UNBE- could be cool – not necessari- Jason: ...it’s just sad you get LIEVABLE! ly college radio, but just regu- these girls and (misc. Chris: “Marc Bell” on that first Dust lar FM radio. I mean, that era laments), and everything goes record... you can’t even believe it’s the – that era had the last vestige in the shitter, and... have you same guy! of optimism (that commercial seen that Nick Fury movie Nørb: You wonder how he lost his FM radio could be trained to with Hasselhoff? chops throughout the years... not suck) – that – that – that – Nørb: WHAT? NO!!! Chris: He was just drumming inappro- yeah, exactly. Why am i talk- Jason: It’s not that good, but priate stuff. ing? You guys are the stars of Hasselhoff’s Nick Fury. [discussion veers off to Sky, Doug the show. Now, who here did i [various gasps of disbelief] Fieger of the Knack’s old band. e-mail about that Nick Fury Nørb: Well, i did like Ben Needless to say, given the magnitude line? (i had heard a line in one Affleck as Daredevil, believe of record geekdom involved, this is not of their songs that i thought it or not going to be the snappiest, most punch- went “you didn’t always look Jason: Affleck? Daredevil? line-laden interview you’ve ever read] just like Nick Fury,” so i e- Really? 71 ...Who is this “Edgar Bergen” of which you speak, Nørb: My friend once thought the Ramones – the quintessen- and why does he keep putting his hand up the back of my shirt? tial American band – were from England. Jason: When I’m singing in the shower, I always find myself Nørb: I think you sound like the Starjets singing along to English bands, playing 999 songs in a barn. No, 999 playing and I feel like the biggest Billie Starjets songs in a barn! Joe... Ed: I love 999. We all do. Ed: England is just a superior Nørb: Of course you do! punk country. Way superior. Chris: I lean towards ripping off the Kinks Nørb: I think there’s a line in as much as possible. the sand between people who Jason: We don’t really... think British people singing Nørb: Yeah, but i don’t really like Daredevil Nørb: No, i understand. I just wanted to see punk is cooler and people who that much. But i like the new series going on Knives. Otto Preminger very much enjoyed the opportunity to jam with his long-time idols, FM if you liked the tag or not. think singing in a fake Southern now. Ed: Well, it’s not an insult... but you can’t accent is cooler... you know, Jason: You don’t like Daredevil? copy the Buzzcocks. No one can. people who think “woman” has Nørb: He never really grabbed me. He was like Nørb: Even the Buzzcocks can’t copy the three syllables in it. Batman, but monochromatic, and with worse Buzzcocks these days. They don’t have the Jason: There’s nothing cool villains. right drummer! about singing in that Wang- Jason: But he would bust people for angel Ed: Yeah, you can’t copy them, they’ve got a Dang Southern accent dust. That was the best. And it was funny. The very signature sound. Supersuckers shit. There’s angel dust dealers would be like “Yo, man! Jason: I think we sound more like Stiff Little NOTHING fucking cool about Come on, Jack!” It made it funny. Like the Fingers. it. Falcon. Ed: Yeah. Yeah. That’s more apt. Nørb: TESTIFY! Nørb: “Christmas, Misty!” Like Luke Cage Nørb: I’m still voting for 999. Ed: Bullshit! That’s got nothing (Marvel’s blaxploitation hero of the ‘70s). Ed: That’s fine. They’re one of my favorite to do with... we don’t like it. Jason: Yeah, like Luke Cage. favorite favorite bands. Jason: That’s not an opinion, [A-Frames begin set, further adding to already Jason: But we don’t wear ties like 999. We that’s a fact. copious levels of background noise] don’t starch our shirts. We don’t wear pas- Ed: Yeah. Give me a British Nørb: Okay, you have been described as tels. band any day. They have an sounding similar to the Buzzcocks. Is this an Nørb: Well i wore a goddamn basketball jer- honest quality that a lot of apt comparison? sey, don’t look at me! American bands lack. (note: i FM Knives: NO!!! [amazingly annoying A-Frames riff obliter- can say with some certainty that Nørb: Exactly! If you had your way, whom ates several seconds of conversation] this is the first time i’ve ever would you want people to say you sounded Nørb: ...anyway, you were this amazingly heard this opinion expressed!) like? unknown band from Sacramento, who They’re more straightforward. Ed: Uh... the Kinks? nobody knew anything about, and the only There are so many one-hit won- Jason and Chris: hyuk hyuk hyuk! [they feign information that could be gleaned from your ders in British punk... dumping a pitcher of beer on Ed’s head] CD was that you were on the same label as Jason: ...and they’re greater the Li’l Bunnies... than the whole Nashville Pussy Ed: Not anymore. And thank God. catalog. Nørb: Well, was anybody in the band actual- Ed: American punk is a bunch ly IN the Li’l Bunnies? I wanna hear that of horseshit right now. goddamn story about the parade, and… Nørb: Actually, i like the FM Knives: NO. NOBODY KNOWS WHO Nashville Pussy song on the WAS IN THE LI’L BUNNIES. Shakedown compilation quite a Ed: That’s a Sac secret. bit. Nørb: I AM GOING TO HEAR THAT Ed: British bands are just bet- PARADE STORY! ter, for some reason. Who Ed: It’s a Sac secret. It’s just one of those knows why? They just are. things. Nørb: But, uh... the reality of Nørb: I understand. English punk today is that it’s FM Knives: NOBODY KNOWS WHO mostly all ska-punk, and the WAS IN THE LI’L BUNNIES. dominant form of popular Nørb: That’s okay. I don’t know who the music of the day there seems to Rhythm Chicken is, either. be Nu-Metal, specifically Ed [unconvincingly]: I honestly don’t Slipknot... remember who was in that band. Ed: Yeah, metal’s the fucking Nørb: Well, these things happen. Have you death of everything. had any people tell you that you sound like Jason: Their critics are the you’re from England? biggest idiots...[indecipherable FM Knives: Yeah. castigation of UK rock crit- Nørb: What bands have you ever mistakenly ics]...the Libertines and thought were from England? Supergrass are the two extreme- Jason: I’ve never made that mistake. I’m not ly good British bands right now. as stupid as the people who listen to our Nørb: My friend’s band just band. I’m much smarter than all you people played with Supergrass. reading this! FM Knives: REALLY??? 72 Nørb: Wait, maybe it was Superdrag. know, it’s a little too much like looking for the French Wave FM Knives: AWWWWW.... writing free verse poetry a la Yahoo in the club that night.] Nørb: Whatever. Supergrass, I Should Coco, i got Richard Brautigan or some- Jason: Perhaps it’s my uncle! that one. [attempting to figure out what the hell this thing. Anyway, since you Yeah, we didn’t spend any- band is talking about by throwing out band names] don’t have a lyric sheet... thing on it except the $150 we The Interpreters? Chris: Do you have the Moo- gave Chris to record it in six Ed: Incredible. One of my favorite bands. La-La one? (Useless and hours. Nørb: Go on with that, mysterious men from Modern was later reissued on Nørb: Really?! Tell us about Sacramento! Please tell us, not what your influences Broken Rekids) (for the that. ARE, but from whence your influences DERIVED! Christ’s sake) Jason: Chris was pretty much Ed: We’ve been in bands for so long, we don’t even Nørb: Yes. playing guitar, and he’d have know, we just play. We’ve all been in bands for fif- Chris: Oh... well, let me tell to run over to the eight-track teen years, in a million different situations, and this you the story behind the enig- when we were tracking, and band just came together. I mean, we all decided to matic cover. push buttons, and run back and form a band, and we had no idea what we were gonna Nørb: Yes, who was on the play guitar... do when we got to the practice place. We wrote our cover? Ed: And it was a totally hot- album in three days, pretty much. We decided to just Chris: Our record label person ass day. But we had no idea get together and did it. We didn’t think about any- was out of town when it was at what we were gonna come up thing – all of a sudden we had songs, and we did it. the plant. I was blessed with with. I didn’t even know if we That was all there was to it. the job of calling the plant that were gonna keep it. In retro- Jason: Yeah, we didn’t sit down and plan out... day, and the files didn’t open, spect, it was very haphazard, Ed: First practice, five of the songs on our album so we just decided to write off compared to other bands i’d were written. everything – all the liner notes been in. Nørb: Go on! Really? and lyrics – instead of just hav- [interview goes into a very Ed: Yeah. We had no preconceived idea at all. At all. ing it be blank. long, drawn-out interlude I barely knew Zack, and I’d known Chris forever, but Jason: And also our old label where i repeat what i suspect I was never in a band with him, and me and Jason was too cheap to spend the are misunderstood lyrics to were in a band forever but he was the bass player. We eight bucks to put in an extra Jason, in hopes that he correct had no idea what was gonna happen. page to have lyrics and stuff. me, and great mirth follows. Nørb: A very fortuitous coming together! Nørb: But who’s actually on Unfortunately, not only do i Ed: Yeah, we were in a bar one night, and were like, the cover? have the majority of the lyrics “Why don’t we start a band up with Chris?” I almost Jason: It’s just some guy from correct, but Jason explains said no. I had other bands goin’ – that would’ve been, some French punk comp. It’s each lyric at great length, fuck – I would’ve kicked myself for the rest of my really bad. It’s kind of a funny which was not the question. life. picture, but it was kind of a For the record, “selling all my Jason: Actually, we wanted to make sure it sounded dumb joke. shit to Vicki” is actually “sell- exactly like the Supersuckers. Nørb: With no other informa- ing all my shit...$2.50” and “i Nørb: Sir, you have been born with a tail! tion on the record, it seemed paid your roommate for your Ed: We don’t know where it’s goin’, but we’re still like “perhaps it’s a person in pubic picture, now i feel like writing songs. the band?” [i conveniently hell” actually references a Nørb: It appears that way. Speaking of your songs, of omit the part about actually yearbook picture] the thirteen songs on your album, seven of them do not mention the title in the lyrics whatsoever. What’s the reasoning behind this? Jason: Well, I write the lyrics, and, I don’t wanna name any bands, but I didn’t wanna be like a lotta bands whose song is just the title – it’s like “title title, yeah yeah, title title, yeah yeah” and that’s the song – I thought it would be more interesting if... you know. Nørb: Well, like that “you’re fogging up my tunnel vision” song, is that… Ed: That’s what I call it. I don’t even know what the song title is. A lot of times I start the wrong song... Jason: It’s called “20/20.” “20/20 vision,” get it? Chris and Ed: AHHHHH! Nørb: But people don’t want to – well, i dunno, maybe they do, who am i to say – but isn’t that sort of a strange ‘90s-ism? Like, maybe i’m a traditionalist or something, but i’m sort of of the opinion that if you understand the chorus, you should know what the song is called. Like, isn’t that the problem the Monkees ran into with their Good Clean Fun 45? No one could ask for the record because no one knew what it was called? Maybe your band is the exception that proves the rule, since you do that but don’t suck. Jason: A lot of New York bands do that thing where they have the really long title... Nørb: Or a band’ll just have a really catchy song title like “The Television Will Not Be Revolutionized” but you won’t remember anything BUT the title. I don’t Chris [acknowledging his con- first record you bought was! Nørb: Okay, i give up. What bands are good right trast to his bandmates’ highly Ed: First record I bought, when now? agitated states]: I’m on a lot of I was in third grade, was FM Knives: The Libertines and Supergrass. cold medicine right now. Surfin’ USA. Then next I got Jason: That’s just British bands. Elvis Presley, and I bought a As far as American bands go, I Kinks album when I was nine. like a lot of the Northwest bands. Nørb: What Kinks album? I like the Hunches, the A-Frames Ed: Live at Kelvin Hall. It was are good... who else? a really crappy live album. Nørb: The Epoxies? The Briefs? Nørb: Named after the guy The Spits? who invented the Kelvin ther- Jason: The Briefs are all right, I mometer, Lord Kelvin! guess. I kind of like them. Ed: I got it at the Tower They’ve got a good drummer. Records in Sacramento. Nørb: Yes they do. That guy can Chris: I bought Van Halen, play eighth notes like a mother- Diver Down, in Berkeley. fucking motherfucker. Jason: I think mine was Jason: The first bad review we Bigger and Deffer by LL Cool got said something like “all these J. fucking revisionist bands like the Nørb: He’s actually playing at Epoxies and the FM Knives!” the casino in my home town That was pretty funny. next month. [all take note of Turd [making a loud, drunken Betty Page videos now playing cameo appearance]: ROCKER!!! overhead] Well, since we’ve THIN LIZZY!!! I LOVE THIN got it on TV now, how LIZZY, THEY’RE THE MOST impressed are you with girls ROCKINEST ROCKERS OF who try to look like Betty ALL TIME!!! Page? Nørb: Rock, Turd, Rock. [to Ed: Not very. band] So, enjoying the local Jason: I’m sadly still color? Nørb: Fair enough, sir. Okay, impressed with them, I can’t FM Knives: Yeah, this is the first time we’ve been best albums of all time? Best get over it. I try to not be a out here. Milwaukee is pretty cool. songs? sucker and look at them, but... Nørb: Yeah. It’s got its drawbacks, though. It’s one of Ed: Aw, come on, man... Ed: They don’t like us anyway. those places that discovered “garage” like five years Nørb: If not the best, your Nørb: This was all theoretical, after everyone else, so now... favorites... remember. Ed: That shit is so boring. Ed: How ‘bout Bold As Love Chris [remains silent] (turns Jason: Yeah, there’s nothing worse than all those by Hendrix? out he has a wife who actually bands... Chris (unless it was Jason): DOES look like Betty Page, Nørb [helpfully]: All what bands? Best Friend by the English thus sagely sidestepped the Jason: You know, the bands that go WHAAAAH! Beat, and that first Specials entire issue) DUGGADUGGADUGGADUGGA NERT-NERT, album... Jason: I only like girls that NORT-NORT, NERT-NERT, NORT-NORT... Nørb: I like the announcer at don’t like me. Nørb: Do that one more time. the beginning of Bold As Love, Nørb: It’s a lot safer that way. Jason [helpfully]: WHAAAAH! DUGGADUG- about the very dodgy subject of [spying the heretofore AWOL GADUGGADUGGA NERT-NERT, NORT-NORT, UFOs... Zack walking by]: Hey, look! NERT-NERT, NORT-NORT...GIRL I TELL YOU Ed: Paul Caruso. It’s your missing band mem- DEHHT DEHHT DEHHT DUH DEHHT DUH. Jason: I think “Mannequin” by ber! Missing band member! They’re worse than surf bands. They always have a Wire is one of the most perfect Missing band member! Please guy with the Prince Valiant hairdo, and they’re the songs... if I could write a song tell us your name, your instru- biggest jackasses. like that... ment, and the best album Ed: I don’t dig it. I don’t like it. It’s real fucking bor- Ed: ...the second and third released in the year of your ing. Saints albums. birth! [band all talks at once about what they like and don’t Nørb: The third one? The Zack: I really don’t know. like. All i can come away with is that Ed thinks oi is fourth one’s better than the Nørb: Thank you. You’ve been melodic and pleasing, and Chris likes the Gang of third one. a great help. Four, which Ed hates] FM Knives: NO WAY!!! Chris (in his cold medicine tor- Jason: I mean, we don’t take it so seriously. Look Nørb: I like “The Monkey por, finally gets around to how we’re dressed. We’ve just been playing music for Puzzle.” I don’t like answering the question asked so long in the shadow of San Francisco. “Prehistoric Sounds” at all. two questions previously): Ed: Jackasses. If you’re from Sac, you’ll never be Jason: Really??? King of the Road, Roger Miller. cool enough. Ed: Aw, MAN!!! Nørb: Robin Hood soundtrack, Jason: Like, they’re playing a loft, so they’re so much Jason: ...Exile on Main Street, rock on! Parting comments? better than you. of course... Jason: Bye. [Jason and Ed begin ranting and raving about some- Ed: I dunno, we’ve all got so Ed: Bye. thing that seems to have to do with San Francisco, but many records. We’ve been col- Chris: Bye. they are generally talking at once, and their remarks lecting records forever. Nørb: Well said. don’t seem to hold any continuity of context, so fuck Nørb: Please! Tell us what the it] 75 BBOOYYSSKKOOUUTT

iinterviiew and photos by Kat Jetson

It all began because people thought they looked cute on stage. It was that mixed with some sweet talking (read: lying) that got Boyskout their first gig back in 2001. Things were a little bit different then for this San Francisco group of dreamy popsters. For one, they were a trio. A trio with, like, one and one half songs and borrowed drum sticks. But you know, they had that cute thing to fall back on. Some bummer stuff happened and their original bassist departed. That left the core of the band – drummer Carrie and singer/guitarist Leslie – with, well, no bassist. Enter a boy named Daniel, who just happened to be able to play bass, dress mighty fine, and <> move large pieces of musical equipment. Then along came China and she sang like a dream and played the keys. Bingo and perfect-o! Boyskout were now a bulked-up, melodic and synthtastic quartet. And even though they have big-time record guys woo- ing them, they’re really just a simple bunch who like girls, singing into glitter microphones, knife throwing, and Bambi.

Kat: What was the catalyst for back. A few weeks later, China Carrie: I thought we were on stage? starting Boyskout? joined as additional vocalist and called The Scouts for a while, Daniel: The Vibrations. Leslie: Carrie and I were play- keyboardist. then some people told me other- Carrie: Whenever I’m really ing together in a different band Carrie: We became better wise. That bad name Leslie into playing, I have flashbacks called Tigerbeat. Tigerbeat musicians and our ideas grew won’t say, well, it was really from times and events that I played sweet, dreamy songs, more complex. This was hap- bad. I’m glad it’s not our name. could never recall in normal and while we liked playing pening around the time of the Kat: No offense to Daniel, but life, and some events that I these types of songs, we want- great fall. I don’t think we ever you sort of have a girl gay thing know never happened. I don’t ed to also be playing music sat around and thought about going on. Is he cool with that? know why. I guess it’s some with more of an edge. So we becoming a quartet. It just need- Daniel: We have a lot in com- sort of fully engaged medita- started Boyskout. ed to happen, so it did. mon. We all like girls. tion. Although I’m completely Carrie: I think playing in Kat: Did you call your band Kat: On that note, do you mind aware of what I’m doing, part of Tigerbeat showed us that we Boyskout with a “k” for internet being labeled a queer band? my brain takes off on its own. had a unique compatibility. searching reasons or because Leslie: I don’t mind. It’s fucking bizarre. And we wanted to develop this you didn’t want to be sued by Daniel: I’d prefer to be labeled Kat: Tell us what’s it like dri- musical relationship in a pro- The Boy Scouts of America? as a good band. ving in a van with Boyskout? ject that wasn’t backing other Carrie: Both. Kat: What have China and China: It can be very amusing. people’s ideas, but creating our Leslie: We wanted to call our- Daniel added to your band? Carrie: And violent. own music and style. selves Boyskout because our Carrie: Daniel is a great musi- Leslie: We like to rough each Kat: You originally started as a band was forming around the cian and he has style. Our other up. three-piece. What was the rea- same time that the Boyscout rhythm section is getting more Daniel: I prefer to fly. son for the change? organization was making it intense; he likes to push things, Kat: Does being in a band get Leslie: The band changed dras- clear that it didn’t want to have like I do. He should carry more you more dates? tically last summer. Our former anything to do with anyone who equipment, though. China’s China: It gets me in more trou- bass player fell from a ladder identified themselves as homo- style and her influences have ble. and wasn’t able to play her sexual. added a new dimension to our Kat: Do you remember what instrument for a few months. Kat: What other bands names music. She’s a good foil to your first Boyskout show was My friend Daniel came to our did you consider? Leslie. like? How did you get that gig? rescue and played the shows we Leslie: The Switch, Leslie: Daniel and China feel Leslie: Our first show was had already booked prior to her SpaceScout. There was one like family. They make being in opening up for The Need. We fall. After he started playing really bad name… I don’t want a band feel right for me. couldn’t really play our instru- bass there really was no turning to say it. Kat: What do you think about ments but people said we 76 looked cute on stage. won at the state fair. Carrie: We were, as a band, China: Pulp Fiction and a Roy more in the “talking” stages. Litchenstein poster. Meaning, one night we were out Daniel: Def Leppard. drinking and talking about how Leslie: Bambi. great it would be to be playing Kat: Have you ever belonged to shows. This girl who puts a fan club? together shows heard us and we Leslie: No, but my family was somehow convinced her that we Mormon for a few months. were a real band and we had Carrie: When I was eleven, I songs and we were good enough wrote Patrick Swayze a fan let- to play this show. I think we ter. I wasn’t just a fan though, had less than two songs at this because I understood and loved point. I might or might not have him. I’m a redneck, by the way. owned drumsticks. Kat: Who do you think consis- Kat: What was the first song tently makes good music? you ever wrote? It doesn’t have Leslie: Devendra Banhart and to be with Boyskout, per se, but Cat Power. the first song you recall writing. September. still love her. I love her. Kat: What would make you Leslie: When I was in the Daniel: Yeah. It’s meant to be a Kat: What’s your guilty plea- happy right now? fourth grade I learned all of the San Francisco garage rock sort sure? China: A nice drink on the words to a song called “Harper of thing with some really good Leslie: No comment. beach with a piano. Valley PTA.” One of the fifth bands like Coachwhips, Low Carrie: Totino’s Party Pizza. Daniel: A new hubcap. grade teachers heard me singing Flying Owls, and Black Cat China: Johnny Cash and petty Kat: What’s your first musical it one day and got me to come Music. crime. memory? to her class and sing it for Kat: What other talents do you Daniel: Today I had a popsicle. Leslie: Olivia Newton-John. everyone. It was a hit and all of Carrie: Listening to the song the other fifth grade teachers that goes “…nobody’s gonna asked me to sing it for the kids Kat: Have you ever belonged cramp my style, nobody’s in their classrooms. It went all gonna slow me down, no-o, I wrong though, because I had a to a fan club? got to keep on moving…” on cold and someone made me Leslie: No, but my family was the floor of my mom’s yellow laugh while I was singing and a station wagon. big gob of snot flew out of my Mormon for a few months. Kat: What’s your most cher- nose and everyone saw it. That ished possession? ended the performance. But, possess that you don’t mind Kat: What’s the best descrip- Leslie: Oliver, my Italian since that doesn’t really answer sharing with a bunch of people tion of your music that you’ve Greyhound and my Devendra the question, I first wrote songs you don’t know, other than the heard? And if no one’s gotten it Banhard CD. when I was little. I went to the obvious musician thing? right yet, tell us how it should Daniel: My Siamese kitty. circus and got a stick with a Leslie: I can tie cherry stems be. Carrie: My drums. fake glitter microphone. I was with my tongue. Leslie: Early Cure… sort of, “I Kat: If you could be any ani- about six and I used to carry the China: Knife throwing. might like you better if we slept mal, what would it be and what mic around and make up little Carrie: I cut my own hair. together.” Dark but sweet and would you be doing with your songs. Kat: Who’s the coolest person mellow but popish. New wave days? China: When I was five I wrote ever? Joy Division (ish). Leslie: This is cliche, but a bird. a song about a werewolf. Leslie: Chan Marshall (aka Cat Kat: What posters were hang- They get to fly. It must be fun. Kat: Tell me about the song Power). She gets to be as ing in your teenage room? Carrie: That fish that crawled you recorded for Bomp! strange as she wants and people Carrie: A glass print of Slash I out of water and began life on Records. What’s that all about? land. I’d spend the days running I hear Carrie drummed on a mil- around on my little fish fin-legs, lion-dollar kit. eating new foods, and growing Carrie: I did! But I like my kit new body parts. better. China: A rat, running through Leslie: We got an email from a the sewers. guy who said he was into our Kat: What do you hope for the music and that we really have future of Boyskout? something different going on, Leslie: To be playing shows and would we be interested in every night in foreign countries. being on this comp. We went Kat: And, in conclusion, the down to record a song and I ladies need to know (okay, guess that they really liked it or maybe that’s just me needed to us or something because we know) boxers or panties? ended up recording five songs. Leslie: Boxers. So yeah, we have two songs that China: Tighty-whiteys. are coming out on a Bomp com- Carrie: I’m a Gemini. pilation in late August/early Daniel: Ummm…

77 Dan Monick’s Photo Page

I thought the pictures would go good for an end of summer vibe. Empty/abandoned—Dan pool or something. Whadya think?

Dan’s having some upcoming shows. Check out www.dmonick.com for all the details. fast, chaotic melodies. When the songs have these parts, I really like this CD a Please note: If you’re lot. Sometimes, though, they pull out of an established record the breakdowns with some tough guy company, and you send metal bits, which, at its best, reminds me of Sick of it All, but usually, the us a pre-release without tough guy metal parts don’t sound as all the album art, we’re good as Sick of it All. It’s strange because the two elements don’t match, probably going to throw and the combination makes for really that shit away... long songs. I wish that they would cut out everything that doesn’t sound like cock gobblers. Leatherface. Of course, I realize that this would probably make them sound less original, but that’s a chance I’m A FRAMES: 2: LP willing to take. –Sean (Pee) Lyrics about math and atoms and elec- tricity and alienation and what-not BALZAC: (sample song titles: “Nuclear” “Ionic” Beyond the Darkness: CD “Electricity” “Abstract”) (sample verse: If you didn’t make it out to Fiend Fest to “She’s a spasm/Protoplasm”) intoned in see Balzac on their first US tour, you a droll monotone over calmly spastic missed out. Let me tell you, they were riffs that lead one to believe that the gui- fuckin’ incredible. I saw kids seeing and tar player’s mother was frightened by hearing them for the first time get blown that Crucifucks song about the canisters away by their set. I even got to hang whilst she was with child, backed by This is also great stuff when you are with them for a bit each night that I basslines that seem appropriately dis- went. Here is a little history for you. The jointed enough to match the guitar, yet vacuuming, washing dishes or putting that band originated in 1992 and are from deep ‘n’ shake-a-robo-booty rhythmic suppository in your pet’s butt. Now that is a Osaka, Japan. The band is a Misfits- enough to lock in perfectly with the influenced band that has taken every- hard-hittin’ drums – meaning that while great soundtrack! –Donofthedead thing that is to be loved of the band and the geeks spaz out to the sonic and lyri- improved on it. They play original songs cal occurrences occupying the higher that are catchy and can compete against frequency ranges, the stoned art fop two the Misfits catalog. This release is a col- bling, and the corporate raiders sucking ANN BERETTA: The Other feet away might very well be simultane- the genre dry and trying their damnedest lection of songs from their past catalog ously locked in some manner of rhap- Side of the Coin: CD that they re-recorded for their North to prevent anything new or inventive After To All Our Fallen Heroes and New sodic groove coma down at the lower from leading the cash cow astray. If you American introduction. Some of the end. Not a bad gig, really – sort of like Union, Old Glory, I need another Ann songs on this recording were released do a little digging under the surface of Beretta record like I need a box set col- if Gary Numan kicked Steve Albini out either genre, however, a whole host of earlier this year in Japan as the Beware of Shellac or something. And, right lecting the complete oeuvre of Jimmy of Darkness EP. On that EP, the song amazing sounds can be found just wait- Buffett with outtakes, especially when when one begins to feel the feeling that ing to blow your mind. Such is the case “The Pain (Is All Around)” and three the entire record is one big drone-smash it’s acoustic versions of songs from the live tracks did not end up on the with Acid Reign’s debut. The three rap- first record. I’ve had it. If we’re going to statement after another, the band serves pers here (Beond, Gajah, and Slowrider American release. But the American up a brilliant slice of comparative goofi- be honest, we need to acknowledge that release is chock full’o songs. Seventeen vocalist Olmeca) have apparently drawn Ann Beretta had one good album in ness in “Search & Rescue,” which is inspiration from the Freestyle studio and three live tracks fill the disc. almost Supernova-esque in its merry them but kept tilling and seeding the In addition, you get a bonus DVD of Fellowship/Project Blowed school of same creative soil, never letting it lie naivete (though not to the extent where stream-of-consciousness delivery and videos that were only available in Japan. the A Frames instruct everyone to string fallow. And what it all boils down to is The differences I hear in this recording married it to a level of hyper-speed this – Bitter Tongues is a damn fine together all their belts because they lost delivery not seen since Chip Fu in his session, compared to the past versions, their snorkels and their fins) (but TO the record. It is also the only Ann Beretta are the vocals are a little up front in the prime, resulting with one hell of a ride album you need. –Puckett (Thrown Brick) extent that i decide the band has more in more often akin in tone to the jazz ver- mix, the guitar is a little pushed back, common with the Epoxies than the nacular of Coleman or Coltrane than to and the tempo is a hair slower, I believe. Gang of Four) (thank fucking God). ARAKI: Ikara: CD The songs are still great though! I look your average purveyor of “street knowl- What starts off with sappy minimal One thing i fully expected from this edge.” Taken on a purely literary level, at it as just a different version of a great record that never materialized was at piano practice progresses into sappy thing. Fans of the Misfits, Samhain, AFI the rhymes and rhythmic structure of the sleepy interminable dance music that least one song where the singer purport- songs contained here are impeccable, or Danzig, here is your next favorite ed to either be an artificial intelligence sounds like Depeche Mode dying of band! –Donofthedead (Misfits) fusing social commentary with an chronic diarrhea. I looked at Scene or an alien – no one said anything of the impressive experimentation with meter sort, and, as a result, i’ve been furtively Police’s website and it seems like they BATON ROUGE, LES: – these are guys who obviously paid got some great shit; I hope I never find looking over my shoulder ever since. attention during the poetry component Chloe Yurtz: CDEP BEST SONG: “Search and Rescue” out why the fuck they put this out. ...after listening to this all the way in English class, and it shows. For those –Cuss Baxter (Scene Police) BEST SONG TITLE: ah, i won’t give that just wanna hear some really good through, my Chloe Yurtz a bit as well. ‘em the satisfaction... but i will state, for BEST SONG: “My Body-The Pistol” music, this doesn’t disappoint on that ASTERISK*: Dogma: CD the record, that if “Togetherness” is not level, either. The beats and backing BEST SONG TITLE: “Velvet Barbed a direct musical ripoff of “Apathy” by Superior grindcore from this Swedish Wire” FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIV- tracks here are strong and wildly varied, trio that leaves the medicine to the doc- Suburban Mutilation, i will eat my own and the furious alliteration utilized by IA FACT: The first four songs reminded shit. FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA tors and goes straight for the intellect. me of Penetration, the Lunachicks, SIN the rappers lends even more level per- Well, I guess so, as there’s no lyric tran- FACT: Recorded (quite well) by Chris cussive counter rhythms to the tracks, 34, Red Scare, the Cinch (infrequently) Woodhouse of the FM Knives, which i scription, but from the song titles and Bikini Kill. Mostly of their short- giving you even more to sonically (“Adding Milk to DNA,” “Another didn’t know until yesterday, despite the digest. In short, this is one mind-bog- comings. The fifth song – “My Body- fact that i was in the same building as Dane Law Carved in French”) to the The Pistol” – was a complete about- glingly good record. If there were any quirky weirdness (a la Locust) that pops both Chris and the A Frames on two sep- justice in the world, these guys would face: Male vocals and a fuzzed-out arate occasions this year. up here and there (and the dedication of robo-approach which either reminded rule the airwaves. –Jimmy Alvarado one track to minimalist composer –Rev. Nørb (S-S) (Nomadic Sound System) me of Pilgrim State or No Scene (i for- Arnold Dreyblatt) this blasts in the gen- get which). And the last song – “Parish eral direction of the thinking grinder. ACID REIGN: Ready Yet?: CD ALLERGIC TO WHORES: Priest” – sounded like one of those Like its punk rock cousin, much of what Forty-one tracks, including a cover of weird, soft tunes somewhere between Chaos Before Death: CDEP Queen’s “Ogre Battle,” in as many min- passes itself off as “rap” these days is This one’s a bit slower than their usual the “real” songs (such as they are) on pretty dismal, to say the least. Just as utes (apparently their entire recorded Jefferson Airplane’s Surrealistic Pillow thrash gallop pace, but the level of qual- body), and you’ve got probably the punk has had to learn to live with oodles ity hasn’t diminished accordingly and album: Echoey guitar and female mur- of boy-band-in-training pop-punk forty-one most frantic heavy minutes muring sounding like it’s coming from the singer still sounds like he’s about to you’ll see this year. –Cuss Baxter (31G) poseur fops whoring for fame, clueless burst a vein at any moment. Good stuff somewhere down the hall whilst the lis- fashion slaves trying to relive the glory –Jimmy Alvarado (Dark Front) tener sits crumpled in a heap in another days of 1977/1982/1994, and whiny AWAY FROM NOW: room, wondering whether the floor is Shadows Allude Invade: CD emo buttercups taking PC-isms to new ANCHORMEN, THE: Nation really made out of water or not and if ridiculous extremes, so has hip hop had This is a strange little album from the toilet is working again. If someone of Interns: CD (Unstoppable) Australia. The vocals sound a bit like to endure both the rise of gangsta They rhyme woozy with Vespucci. would care to explain the Portuguese wannabes flooding the racks and air- Frankie Stubbs from Leatherface, and punk rock aesthetic to me at this point, That’s seriously the highlight of the some of the songs on this album do have waves with odes to guns, bitches and the album. –Megan (Unstoppable) i’d be all ears. –Rev. Nørb ever-ludicrous worship of the bling- Leatherface breakdowns and those hard, (Elevator Music) BEEHIVE & THE Suburban Voice in a photo on the inside, BARRACUDAS: otherwise I would be a bit concerned of In Dark Love: CD dodginess. That said, this is good straight Arty, punky stuff that was interesting for forward punk/ hardcore that is more approximately two songs. When I found energetic than fast, more raucous than myself pondering the potential of rocks loud, more cathartic than angry. Venting having some semblance of conscious- frustration can be a good time. –Rich ness, I knew I was in deep doo doo. Mackin (TKO) –Jimmy Alvarado (Swami) Top 40 7”s BOTCH: An Anthology of BENNY/BABY LITTLE Dead Ends: CD EP TABLETS: Self-titled Split 7” Yay, metalcore. Oddly enough, I’ve been Vinyl rules, Baby Little Tablets are an earnest, getting into shit like Converge lately so I stupidass sqawking band who sing about midlife suspect I should like this grinding, pul- crises before they’ve even turned thirty. verizing, heavy-as-shit riffage more than Benny, for some reason, enjoy holding I do. Maybe this just suffers in compari- These are hands like they’re in a prayer circle. son to the new Weakerthans album. While I admire people who are in touch While I realize that a reviewer is sup- the posed to be able to objectively evaluate with their emotional side, displaying it top 7”S like a badge is kinda goofy. Their song, the merits and downfalls of an album “The Right True End” has a nice Hüsker independent of anything else said since Dü feel to it that makes it worth repeated reviewer may be reviewing or listening the last listening. –Eric Rife (Boss Tuneage) to, I long ago realized that reviewing a record is subjective as fuck and that I mag. BERENICE BEACH: might love grindy shit one moment and Runaway: CD wake up three days later wondering what Dudes, Rancid is soooo passe, and the I was thinking because there is no objec- Underground Medicine Mailorder, Conneticut latter period Social Distortion added here tive checklist to use for evaluating the for flavor didn’t help matters much. artistic merits of a release. With all that –Jimmy Alvarado (Mad Butcher) gibberish out of the way, this is well done headbangist rock and on any other 1. Stupor Stars , Bernadette (Honeyhole) BLACK SOUL CHOIR: day, I probably would have turned it up , split (Nice & Neat) to show all of my neighbors the error of 2. Kill-a-watts/Sweet J.A.P. Cardinal: CD EP , I Can’t Be Good (Mortville) So far as I can tell, they ain’t Black, they their ways. –Puckett (Hydra Head) 3. Marked Men ain’t a choir and they sure as hell ain’t 4. Clorox Girls, Baby (Johnny Cat) playin’ no soul. Their brand of noise rock BOUNCING SOULS, THE: , split (Johnny Cat) Anchors Aweigh: CD 5. Fliptops/Gloryholes ain’t all that good, either. –Jimmy (Rapid Pulse) Alvarado (Init) There will be no fans lost by the 6. Sleazies, Gonna Operate on Myself (Portland Collective) Bouncing Souls. They follow the formu- 7. Various Artists, Anatomy of a... BLACKTOP CADENCE, THE: la that has made them popular. The songs (Shake Your Ass) have that hint of familiarity that makes it 8. Hormonas, Teenage Pussy Chemistry for (Smart Guy) Changing Times: CD easy to flow right into a new release. The 9. FM Knives, Estrogen only drawback is more on a musician’s (Crypt) Whereas Hot Water Music works on a 10. Little Killers, Better Be Right volcanic structure of pressure blowing note. It sounds like the drummer, in the out hot lava, The Blacktop Cadence recording, used the same snare drum that deals with cooling, slow-moving mantle. he would normally use for a show. It With two members of HWM – Chris on sounds like one of those really deep vocals and guitar, and George on drums snares that people like to use because the Dr. Strange Records – this effort from ’97 will be instantly sound projects in a live setting. In most California cases, I noticed, in a studio setting the recognizable to their fans: structured and 1. Caustic Christ/R.A.M.B.O. sweeping melancholy. And although snare drum sounds like someone hitting , split (Busted Head) 2. Stains The Blacktop Cadence is governed by a a tin can or garbage can. That is the , John Wayne Was a Nazi (Twisted Chord) sound on the record and that’s my sore slow pace, measured steps, and almost 3. Skulls, Self-titled (Blazing Guns) whispered screams, it doesn’t fit into a spot while I’m listening to this. 4. Lower Class Brats neat, prefigured little musical box. (No –Donofthedead (Epitaph) , Deface the Music (Punk Core) emo here.) Nor is it merely sleepy. For 5. Scholastic Deth BROADCAST: , Revolution (625) me, it’s perfect hangover music. Man, 6. Dead Kennedys, Nazi Punks, Fuck Off those dudes (and lady) are talented. Pendulum: CD EP (Alternative Tentacles) –Todd (No Idea) My friend Andrew calls Broadcast the 7. Grimple, Self-titled (Prank) band that Stereolab always wanted to be. 8. Filth, BOB HOOKS AND I don’t mind Stereolab, but Broadcast Live the Chaos (Life Is Abuse) THE SWAMP RATS: has always held my heart. Stereolab was 9. Blatz, Cheaper Than Beer always the more French-pop sixties (Life Is Abuse) Disco Still Sucks: CD 10. Adolescents A retrospective of an obscure ‘60s group when Broadcast was the evil, , Welcome to Reality (Frontier) garage band. Although they hailed from moody-as-fuck and romantically bitter Pittsburgh, these boys were apparently sixties pop group. But, of course, it’s more sonically aligned with northwest- 2003, and not 1966. This is sort of a ern bands like the Wailers and the sneakpeak at their next full length – fea- Sonics, even covering two songs by the turing one track, “Pendulum,” that will Disgruntled Mailorder, California latter and giving them a run for the appear on it – this song opens this EP – a money when it comes to wild, over-the- tripped-out psychedelic, raw electronic top rawk. Rather than being content to be single, my favorite song. Vocalist Trish 1. Neon King Kong, There’s a Party Kennans has a delicate and amazing (Vinyl Dog) a one-trick pony, though, these guys 2. BellRays, Get It Right often switched things up by cranking out voice that counteracts the harsh raw picture disc (Holy Cobra Society) 3. Lipstick Pickups some sweet beat versions of obscure tones of their recordings. Their music is , Better Than You (Kapow) Stones and Kinks tracks, not to mention a soundtrack – it’s like a dream. This is 4. Sonny Vincent/Jimmy Page the music that causes out of body experi- , Chainsaw, split (Musical Tragedies) a disarmingly pretty cover of the 5. The Orphans Beatles’ “Here, There and Everywhere.” ences. “Small Song IV” is a rough and , Chinatown (Kapow) Good tuneage to be found throughout, spacey vocal track that almost comes off 6. VOM, Live at Surf City more like an improv session. I just love (Kryptonite) although it’s worth the price of admis- 7. Broken Bottles sion for the pounding version of “Louie the sound of their recordings. I keep , Bloody Mary (Revenge) using the term raw, but you can just hear Louie” alone. –Jimmy Alvarado 8. Henry Fiats Open Sore (Get Hip) a pin drop in the room. It’s great. , I Was a Teenage Pretty Boy (Ken Rock) Broadcast is also known for their moody 9. Diskords/Low Rollers BOILS, THE: instrumentals, which shines on the , split (Johnny Cat) Pride and Persecution: CD tripped-out “Violent Playground” (no, Okay, I am going to give them the bene- not a Nitzer Ebb cover), and “One Hour 10. The Tears, She Ain’t Right (Bancroft) fit of the doubt about the Eagle and Iron Empire.” These are the four tracks that Cross motif because I see Al Quint of truly standout, compared to the more unexciting vocal track “Still Feels Like Tears,” and the noisy, chaotic closer BRONX, THE: Self-titled: CD Moore (that’s my opinion, not every- praise about professional athletes, instrumental “Minus Two.” I am anx- Attention all hipsters: Scandinavian one else’s, but you should’ve seen him there’s a bunch of songs on Hardcore ious to hear their upcoming full length. punk rock’n’roll has hit Hollywood. against Argentina in the ‘98 World Cup, Hooligan that are just about drinking Their last LP, The Noise Made By Please head in an orderly fashion to when he decided to take the game into and going to soccer games. It makes me People, from 2000 was one of my your nearest trendy shirt shop on his own hands, dribble past the entire wish that I could get together with the favorites of the year. –Sarah (Warp) Melrose to buy your officially sanc- defense, and score one of the all-time guys from The Business, go to a tioned Turbonegro T-shirts, and take all greatest World Cup goals). They curse English First Division soccer game, BROADZILLA: of your friends along with you. Anyone Argentinean national team player drink beer, sing songs, and root like Lady Luck: CD caught on the Strip not wearing the Diego Maradona in two separate songs, hell for whoever The Business root for. They look like they raided Cherie aforementioned officially sanctioned first with the basic, “Maradona, you’re –Sean (BYO) Currie’s closet circa 1976 and sound Turbonegro T-shirt will be considered, shit,” and second with a re-recording of like some lost L7 demo with EG Daily like, totally lame. –Jimmy Alvarado “Handball,” which starts out, “3000 BUTT: It’s Butt!: CDEP handling vocal duties. Yes, it’s that bad. (White Drugs) miles is a long way to go/ to be beaten Butt comes at you like a sonic attack, or –Jimmy Alvarado (Diamond Star) by a dwarf in Mexico.” Not only was so they say. I happen to agree. Best BUSINESS, THE: Maradona one of the shiftiest players to lyrics ever: “Somethin’ somethin’ ‘bout BROKEN BOTTLES: Hardcore Hooligan: CD ever make it to the national soccer the pride we lack.” I want them to play Not Pretty: CDEP I have a world of respect for The stage, but, in 1986, he got away with my birthday party. –Megan (Butt) I wonder about the future of the Broken Business. Along with Cocksparrer, they smacking a ball into the goal with his Bottles. The way I see it, in ten years I pioneered street punk. You can’t com- hand, which effectively eliminated CARBONAS: I’m Astray, may say, “I saw those guys at the Doll pare The Business to other bands. England from the Cup, so, yeah, he Don’t Let On b/w Push Me: 7” Hut with Smogtown,” and people will They’re the hallmark. Nonetheless, deserves two songs cursing him. I hated Heavy and dirty, but like a wet and be amazed and say that they read about nearly thirty years after The Business that fucker when he played. I’m not sticky Jolly Ranger taken from the that show in such-and-such book and started off, you have to be a little hesi- standing by The Business, though, ground and put in your mouth, there’s hundreds of people will claim to have tant about a new album by them. What when they sing about Maradona and some odd sweetness coming through been there when, in reality, only about can they do to stay interesting this Argentina beating England in that Cup the crunch. The singer’s voice is the thirty people were. Either that, or I’ll many years into the game? Well, how and finishing up by singing, “Everyone clutch and transmission: it predicts the say, “Broken Bottles could’ve been the about an album comprised solely of knows the final score/ but who won the pace, the shifting speeds, and makes biggest OC punk band since Social songs about football (or soccer, as we Falklands war.” The coolest thing about the listen mid-tempo and gutsy. All I Distortion, but they self-destructed,” Americans call it)? That’s what this version of “Handball” is that it was can think of for a comparison would be and people will say, “Who?” One Hardcore Hooligan is, and, for a closet originally on their Welcome to the Real Space Cookie re-doing AC/DC, fronted thing’s for sure, I’ve passed on Broken soccer fanatic, it works for me. There’s World album, which was a recorded by a crooner instead of a punker, and Bottles CDs and played Broken Bottles a song about Gareth Southgate, the right around the time when The that helps, oh, about twenty people out, seven inches for dozens of people, and English national team player who Business’s popularity was waning fast so I’ll say straight ahead rock’n’roll everyone has become a fan. Not Pretty missed the penalty kick that would’ve and new wave was picking up, so all with plenty of pleasing snarl. is a perfect introduction to them, too. gotten England into the finals of the the songs – which were written to be Thankfully, Carbonas leave out the It’s melodic and catchy and a little dis- 1996 European Cup. There’s “Viva street punk songs – were recorded like parts where hair is shooken, feet are put turbed (they sing about killing cats and Bobby Moore,” a song about England’s someone was trying to make a on amps, and stands clear of noodling starring in a porn with Kelly Osbourne) all-time best player (I’ve watched films Thompson Twins album. And every solos. Not bad. –Todd and, if radio stations got their hands on of Bobby Moore, and the guy was time I listen to Welcome to the Real (Die Slaughterhouse, $3) “Gothic Chicks,” Broken Bottles amazing; he’s the only player I’ve ever World, I think that it would be one of would be huge. Before that happens, seen who could legitimately be com- punk’s greatest albums if they just re- CAT ON FORM: pick up this awesome EP, and pick up pared to Pele). They sing the praises of recorded it to sound like The Business Structure and Fear: CD their Radioactive San Onofre and Michael Owen, the most promising is supposed to sound. This version of Sounds like an emo band trying to dis- Bloody Mary seven inches, while English soccer player since Bobby “Handball” supports that theory. guise itself as an art punk band, yet you’re at it. –Sean (Finger) Beyond the direct attacks or songs of only managing to sound just as terrible despite the plethora of strummed open viceable versions (Hollies, Dogs) sound like Dexy’s Midnight Runners up. They sing with that weird accent so strings to give their sound an “edge.” already? BEST SONG TITLE: and try to sound like Chalet Chalet. that everything is fayest (fast) or sayed –Jimmy Alvarado (Southern) “Nervous Breakdown” FANTASTIC –Sarah (Walk In Cold) (said). They’re from Pittsburgh. They AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: Bass player should just use their own accents and CENTRO, EL: Prohibido!: CD Frédéric Charest has the most accent CHARGERS STREET say shit like slippy and yinz, then at Pennywise sucked the first time. marks in his name; guitarist Sébastien GANG, THE: Through least they’d be funny. This sucks. –Not Josh (Finger) Hould and drummer Éric Boulanger are the Windshield: CD –Megan (Da’Core) tied for second. –Rev. Nørb (Get Hip) Recorded by Tim Kerr, this is sweet, CHAINS, THE: large, ambitious Panorama Dome rock. CLOROX GIRLS: Baby, Get On Top of Things!: CD CHAINSAW: Just Need It: 7” The failure rate with bands incorporat- Away b/w Hitman, Trashy Meticulously executed and profoundly Some strong Japanese gallop-core here, ing the milestones in rock is high. It’s a Daydream: 7” anemic Nuggets-box-set ‘60s rehash loud as fuck and just a dash of metal in steep slope, but I think The Chargers I saw these guys and gal at our local from five Francophones (apparently all the right places. –Jimmy Alvarado Street Gang have got the combination to DIY watering hole, Juvee, and they Quebecois) (which would, i guess, make (Even Worse) the safe cracked: high voltage, powering were great. The lead singer had super- this Nuggets-box-set ‘60s rehash Vol. Hoover Dam type hooks, soaring, natural microphone radar. It seemed like 2), who are to be commended for their CHALET CHALET: swerving vocals, and a drummer who he could sing into at any angle and impeccable playing and production and Self-titled: CD sounds like he has four arms. When the avoid getting smacked in the teeth. A excoriated for their stunning and utter The vocalist of this band is turning me foot’s taken off the accelerator, it’s very useful talent. Unabashedly and listlessness. I mean, this record is so on. I bet he’s a good kisser. And the sweating grooves (and that’s a test most unapologetically lo-fi, they’ve got sedate that it sounds like records that recording is so raw and exciting. Almost bands fail). Although everything on this snatches of the Germs (although less tried to sound like this back in the a little Sonic Youth back in day, at times album isn’t solid gold, I still like it plen- slurry) and the weird poppiness of EIGHTIES sounded like, and that is (esp. with noisy guitar). It’s fun and ty. I have a theory. Not only have they M.O.T.O. (though more straight for- about as far from a compliment as it gets exciting and makes you want to jump up passed rigorous riffs and chops com- ward). They have a lot in common with (ladies and gentlemen – for those who and down – not in a “oi pogoing” kind mando training, but their appreciation The Spits – that creeping, inside-out, couldn’t handle the sheer, animal pas- of way – but in a grabbing all your for big rock is a deep well and not just fungal interpretation of punk – that I sion of the Fuzztones – here’s the friends and screaming and hooting a lot an affection to get all pouty and crank didn’t immediately pop out on the first Chains!). At their best, the band evoke like it’s the Beatles’ first US concert. their butts out like a bunch of twenty- couple of spins, but when it reveled the clinical calculations of the I’m usually not to into the newer melod- first century dandies (such as the itself, it sounds pretty darn good. –Todd Spongetones (minus the occasionally ic punk rock and roll shit, but the raw- Mooney Suzuki). I bet you this: They ($3 ppd., Johnny Cat) brilliant results); at their worst – a cover ness of the sound, the hot vocals, and know the Ron Asheton and not James of Eddie Cochran’s “Nervous quickness of everything (this four-song Williamson version of the Stooges was COBRA HIGH: Sunset in the Breakdown” so tepid it makes the Brian EP is totally like a whirlwind) that is supreme. In the end, Through the Eye of a Hurricane: CD Briggs version sound like the work of going on around me gets me excited for Windshield is a tasteful, yet forceful I feel guilty reviewing this, since I don’t blood-crazed Neanderthal sex workers – the future of this band. If you like loud, bludgeoning that fans of AC/DC, The like prog rock and I’m not crazy about they sound like the only band they could quirky, energetic post-punk with a more Clone Defects, The Baseball Furies, and keyboards. It also feels that I don’t “get ever be capable of out-rocking at The unique-non Dischordian feel, then go anyone who likes hairy balls and punk it.” At the same time, I’m wanting to Great North American Rock-Off might buy this record. I hate most modern abrasions on their rock would appreci- dust off some long forgotten Roxy be the Shoes. As far as i can tell, the music, and this is one of those few ate. They all share the same viral, itch- Music LPs that haven’t seen the light of only thing The Chains might conceiv- bands that gives me hopes for the future ing disease. –Todd (Get Hip) day since 1984. At certain points the ably be considered “on top of” is a of rock’n’roll/punk. Chalet Chalet is vocals are so much like Bryan Ferry, but frickin’ road map. Just say “non!” BEST like the sped-up evil brothers of all CHEATS, THE: mixed with stoner rock and a love of SONG: “Fortune Teller,” although this those boring bands like the Strokes, The Cheap Pills: CD ‘80s music. It’s so sincere they could version is much too slow for my manly Vines, and all those other wasteful MTV Man, these guys blew my “fat guy + probably turn me into a fan if I saw tastes, and wouldn’t anybody who 2 crap-fests of bands. They don’t give a dork = good” theory out of the water. them live. –Wanda Spragg (Cold Crush) would be into the song own several ser- fuck. Hot Hot Heat should stop trying to Plus they had decent album art to back it CONVERGE: Unloved cially viable rock doesn’t do much to Johnston (hell, you might hate this) but on punkified ‘60s rock and, as with that and Weeded Out: CD change my opinion. –Not Josh if you hate him you might love this. It’s band, the music is top-notch. –Jimmy When i get over to the used CD store in (www.thecourtesyclerks.com) more trashy than the Bassholes and as Alvarado (Get Hip) about fifteen minutes, that album title’s messed up as early Butthole Surfers. gonna be a self-fulfilling prophecy. CZOLGOSZ: Saipan: 7” –Wanda Spragg (Cool Beans) DEMINER: Woes and So’s: CD WORST SONG: “Flowers and Harsh, scraping punk rock musically Deminer incorporate an incredible Razorwire” WORST SONG TITLE: and lyrically in the vein of early ‘80s DEAD BY JULY: amount of bits from the ever-changing, “Undo” FANTASTIC AMAZING UK bands like Zounds and Crass. Not Before Dishonor: CD but consistently recognizable Chicago TRIVIA FACT: Deathwish releases are bad, but since they went so far as to call Jimmy Alvarado came over while I was sound. They’ve got hummy bits that’d available from all fine independent dis- themselves anarcho-communists, I’ve reviewing this and said, “Man, these be at home with the Alkaline Trio, a tributors and retailers worldwide. Send got a couple of complaints to register. guys should quit and take up macramé small bead of Pegboy’s sweat stream- two dollars for stickers and a catalog First off, Crass didn’t use computers to or something.” I couldn’t agree more, ing down their face, the sonic forearm filled with quality Deathwish merchan- design their art, and neither should you. even if I actually knew what macramé force of the Arrivals. Even the sweeten, dise. –Rev. Nørb (Deathwish) I really shouldn’t even have to say that, was. –Megan (Bockhorn) derelict pop of Lynyrd’s Innards. With but it seems that more and more bands that said, as a whole, Deminer lacks COUNTERATTACK: fail to grasp the point that pixilated DEADWEIGHT: sinew. So many parts are there, but they State of Affairs: CD computer printouts look like still Stroking the Moon: CD seem just a little disjointed and just This is a follow up to their 7”, previ- frames from the old Super Mario A drummer, a violinist and a cello play- don’t seem connected for maximum ously released on Reality Clash Brothers game, which is to say, com- er crank out some “alternative rock,” force, like they’re trying too many Records. Straight from the nation’s plete shit. And if you’re going to have a meaning that they crank out music that things at once, instead of stewing in capital, you get ten songs of slow to song called “Pro-Life is Terrorism,” provides stiff competition to any band their own musical juices for longer. mid-paced oi that is comparable to make sure to include the lyrics, or at currently on KROQ’s playlist. Hell, Five fingers vs. a fist type thing. But, tough Japanese and French oi bands, least an explanation as to why you feel they could easily open up for Metallica since, they seem Chicago-centric in with a bit of the Templars mixed in as that way. –Not Josh (Rodent Popsicle) on their next tour, and considering the sound, I’m putting my bids in for more well. The topics of the songs are some- perplexed looks all them Hessians Effigies and more Naked Raygun in the times political, sometimes social. All DAKOTA/DAKOTA: would sport on their faces as soon as monitors. I won’t count them out in the the lyrics were pretty good and have Shoot in the Dark: CD these guys started their set, I would pay future, but I wasn’t blown away by this meaning. This CD is not mind-blowing Instrumental hoosh wash that couldn’t to see it. A great twist on the genre and, CD. –Todd (Johann’s Face) but it is good and we’ll see what these even be saved by a singer. I had such if I wasn’t so horrified by the music guys have to offer next. –Mike Beer hope with titles like “Hamburger Help itself (sorry, but “alternative” rock DENNIS MOST & (Reality Clash) Us.” –Megan (Arms Reach) gives me hives) I might actually rec- THE INSTIGATORS: ommend this. As it stands, I’m trying to Wire My Jaw: 7” COURTESY CLERKS, THE: DANNY AND THE figure out who I know that might ...and, in marked contrast to the essen- Tales from the Vortex: CD NIGHTWARES: appreciate this as a gag gift. –Jimmy tially unessential CD, this is the loudest I knew there was going to be trouble as The End Is Near: CD Alvarado (Alternative Tentacles) fucking 33 rpm 7-inch i’ve ever heard soon as I saw the absolutely horrible First off, Danny is Daniel Johnston (of in my goddamned life. I dunno if he cover art. Felix Havoc once said that Speeding Motorcycle fame) and it DELMONAS: still has problems dressing himself, but just because computers exist doesn’t sounds like he might jump out of my Do the Uncle Willy: CD SOMEBODY knew what they were mean you have to use them to design speakers and start kicking some ass – A reissue of a 1989 collection featuring doing when they popped this l’il black your artwork, and this is a prime exam- something that you don’t always thing selected tracks from this Childish-relat- vinyl pit bull out of their rock’n’roll ple of why you shouldn’t. Oh, and the of when talking about Mr. Johnston. I ed vocal group’s first two albums, as birth canal! Given a second 25 years to fact that such awful artwork accompa- can only call this a garage band in the well as the obligatory unreleased gem hone his craft, this guy might really be nies a really bad exercise in commer- most honest sense of the word and with or two. As with their later incarnation able to kick some ass in the future. great results. If you love Daniel as Thee Headcoatees, the emphasis is BEST SONG: “Tough Break” BEST SONG TITLE: “Wire My Jaw” FAN- should somehow be “dressing cool” for like Yesterday’s Kids that play power produced. The Refused started a TASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: the photo, but has absolutely no idea pop without any sort of contrivance or avalanche of followers in Sweden who Band eschews band photo on sleeve for what that might entail, so he’s decked pretension, and on the other hand, aren’t as original and interesting. This drawing of what appear to be either fish out in some platypus-like concoction of you’ve got mildly irritating bands (Tina CD drones on and leaves me with a heads or the ends of rabbit-toenail clip- white painters’ pants (ya know, i spent and the Total Babes) that seem to be downcast mood that makes me have to pers. –Rev. Nørb (Bad Attitude!) the last twenty years never thinking formed with the purpose of, “Dude, let’s dispose of this. –Donofthedead (Lovitt) about painters’ pants once; with any start a power pop band and cover a DENNIS MOST & luck, it’ll be another twenty before i bunch of ‘80s bands. Hey, where’d you DOUGHBOYS: THE INSTIGATORS: think of them again), a leather jacket, a get that striped shirt?”…I think I’ve La Majeure 1987: CD Wire My Jaw: CD button up shirt and some kinda pointy babbled enough. Technically speaking, Hey! Should this have gone to ...at my long-running day gig, i work white buck shoes. He also realizes that Dirt Bike Annie is a fucking rad band. Designated Dale? Oh, well... Fuck you, with a lot of band photos. Not “bands” the role he has been assigned suggests Catchy as all hell, swell harmonies, Dale! The band’s first three-track demo in the sense of the band you’re in, or the displaying a certain “attitude,” so he enough balls to keep the proceedings sees the light again and should be much bands you go to see, but bar bands. manifests kind of a confused grimace rocking at a reasonable level, and most appreciated by fans of the band or fol- Cover bands. Lounge bands. Country (my take is that he’s thinking “fuck, i importantly, no Holly and the Italians lowers of bands like All or Big Drill Car. bands. The Bands Of The Squares, should’ve kept on with the trombone covers! Get this. –Not Josh (Dirtnap) I was more consumed with drinking in Dude. As such, i’ve gained a true appre- and bagged the bass guitar, not vice the late ‘80s /early ‘90s than following ciation for the sublime beauty of unin- versa!”), on the grounds that, well, it’s DISHES, THE: 3: CD the scene closely. So this band slipped tentionally ludicrous band photos. Like, better than nothing, isn’t it? I mean, i I had faith in this because Tim Kerr not through the cracks for me. I believe that if you look at them long enough, a sort could go on for about four pages ana- only produced it, but even played on some members later became the band of assumed biography starts to take lyzing the band photo, and never once one track. The only reason I could justi- All Systems Go. This is great melodic form: One invents a little story to go even mention the music – and, once ya fy him being involved was that he need- pop punk before the scene got saturated along with the picture (which is, of get down to the music, it’s about what ed money badly enough to do this and diluted with thousands of the same. course, what those NYC abstractionists y’d expect from looking at the band album. I would’ve sent him a couple –Donofthedead (Boss Tuneage) like Jackson Pollock hated the most photo: It perfectly waddles the back- bucks to prevent it. –Megan (File 13) about representational art). F’r instance, then-not-quite-as-delineated line DRIVE LIKE JEHU: the short, athletic guy on the left with between punk rock and rock rock – the DISPENSING FALSE Yank Crime: CD the mustache, tight jeans, folded arms Sacred and the Mundane – and winds up HALOES: With Prayers One of the best albums of the ‘90s final- and Mork-from-Ork suspenders is obvi- sounding not unlike a faster Dictators and a Scalpel: CD ly gets reissued on CD, with a few ously the drummer, because he’s shorter minus the Dictatorsisms (leaving you Vaguely metal, vaguely hardcore, hella bonus tracks, to boot. I’ve honestly and more muscular than everybody else; with what? Manifest Destiny?). The LOUD noise rock. Sorry, But this kinda never fully understood why I like this he also appears the most confident, recordings on this disc span a quarter of stuff lost its luster at least six years ago. album: nine-minute songs, atonal howls because, what the fuck, his job is to a century; the earlier stuff sounds tinnier –Jimmy Alvarado (Init) instead of vocals, nine-minute songs, drum, not to stand there looking cool, so but more vital, the new stuff louder but the lack of focus, oh, and did I mention what the fuck does he care, and, as a more pointless. I don’t necessarily dis- DIVISION OF LAURA LEE: the nine-minute songs? Somehow, it all result of his disinterest in pursuing like it, but i’d be more than happy to 97-99: CD works, though; there’s so much going “coolness” as a visual aesthetic, comes swap the disc for an old promo 8x10 of This review period, I am the ultimate on here that the noise is almost hypnot- off, ironically, looking the coolest (in the cover shot. BEST SONG: “Excuse jaded man. Negative energy runs though ic. If you often find yourself on lots of the most restrictive use of the term). You My Spunk” BEST SONG TITLE: you me and I am not excited. After listening narcotics, this is right up your alley. can also tell he’s proud of being in the know, it’s really hard to beat “ Excuse to this CD, I feel like we are doomed by –Not Josh (Swami) band, and looks down upon the other, My Spunk” FANTASTIC AMAZING what music we will be listening to in the less ambitious bands playing the circuit, TRIVIA FACT: For a time, Dennis future. I’m going to become a babbling DT’S, THE: Live: mini-CDEP for “playing the same old shit.” Of Most’s brother was in the band – alas, it old man reminiscing the good old days, I’m a sucker for any band that Dave course, were he in one of the bands wasn’t Donnie Most. –Rev. Nørb listening to records that no longer are Crider is in. The Mono Men were amaz- playing the Same Old Shit, he would (Bacchus Archives/Dionysus) look down upon the Instigators for being a bunch of impractical dreamers DEROZER: Chiusi Dentro: CD who were unjustly full of themselves. This is an Italian band that I truly Drummers, ya know? The next guy in – believed would either be a skinhead the dude in the horizontally striped shirt band or street punk based on the band (the photo was obviously taken in the pictures. I was surprised to hear this late ‘70s, where, by law, exactly one band sound like a So Cal band that sings member in any given band photo was in Italian. Melodicore is the best required to be depicted in a horizontal- description for this band. They could ly-striped top at all times) – is obvious- easily jump on a Warped Tour and feel ly the guitar player, because he looks the very much at home. –Donofthedead most stoned and least communicative. (Mad Butcher) It’s apparent that the guy just wants to play his guitar, and to be utilized in DESTRUCTION MADE some manner where his guitar playing SIMPLE: Terror has some practical application as Stricken Youth: CD opposed to merely being an end in itself, So far as I can gather, this is a local (San noodling around in his room. He knows Gabriel Valley) hardcore band with an that people looking at him on stage is album put out by a label in Pittsburgh. part of the deal, so he dresses the hippest While their lyrics aren’t too shabby, – not out of any abiding desire to look something in their sound rings hollow. flashy, but simply because he does not Maybe it’s the absence of any feeling of want people finding fault with his attire conviction emanating from the songs. when they are watching him play his Maybe the production’s just a tad too guitar. The third guy from the left is cer- clear. Either way, it just ain’t quite doin’ tainly Dennis Most himself, because it for me. –Jimmy Alvarado (A-F) you can tell this is the guy who’s most uptight about what he (and everyone DIPLOMATS OF SOLID else) looks like in the photo – it’s obvi- SOUND: Let’s Cool One: CD ous he sat in front of the mirror for Instrumental soul that sounds like a hours before the photo shoot, agonizing bunch of white boys trying to emulate over exactly what buttons should go the theme from Cosby’s early ‘70s tele- exactly where on his suitcoat, cuffing vision show. Hoo lawd! –Jimmy and uncuffing his pants legs (ended up Alvarado (Estrus) cuffed. ERROR! ERROR!), and trying to work out poses that both appeared un- DIRT BIKE ANNIE: posed and utilized his “good” side Show Us Your Demons: CD (wherever that might be). As a result, he Okay, you caught me. I like power pop. looks like a totally stiff, un-hip Rock I mean, sure, I like Charles Bronson just Doofus. The Burt Reynolds/Print King as much as the next guy, but I’m just as October 1978 Employee Of The Month likely to throw on the Figgs or some- mustache doesn’t add much by way of thing. The thing about power pop – and Cool Points, either. The last guy is obvi- this is true for any type of music – is that ously the bass player, because he seems it’s really easy to be a parody. On the completely clueless. He realizes that he one hand, you’ve got really good bands ing and I’m still bummed that they pile. I turned it on and the yelling start- track. Frankly, I can’t begin to imagine ESCAPED, THE: broke up. That Watts album (which fea- ed. Pretty potent hardcore with a strong how Elliott could perform these songs Escaped Generation: CDEP tured Crider and Aaron Roeder from metal influence, but definitely not run- live without taking stringed instru- Once again, Bill from Rodent Popsicle the Mono Men) never got the credit it of-the-mill by any means. There’s a lot ments on tour and even if that were the brings us another CD worth your deserves, and now Crider is back with going on in there. The biggest distrac- case, these songs would still be difficult money. This time it’s a CDEP by a band this five-song DT’s EP. His tight and tion is the frequency of the samples to perform live. There’s simply too of lads called The Escaped. On this fuzzy garage-rockin’ guitar is immedi- between songs, especially when I’d lis- much here, a embarrassment of musical CD’s eight tracks, some are fast hard- ately recognizable, and the first song on tened to it enough to know that most, if wealth to hear, explore and mine, a host core and some are street punk. Either this EP sounds like it could’ve been a not all, are from Donnie Darko. of new ideas which have yet to see way, they are all good. The band even lost Mono Men track. Then, on “Eyes –Megan (Hex) birth in a rather insular, self-absorbed features two vocalists. One is more of a to the Sun,” DT’s vocalist Diana scene. And while it’s true that Song in rough and tough vocalist and the other Young-Blanchard steps in and throws ELLIOTT: the Air is a studio album in the best is a fast, crusty type. Regardless of how the band in a whole new direction. Song in the Air: CD sense of the term – which in turn means you label them, the main point is that She’s got a voice like whiskey and cig- Ho. Ly. Shit. To my way of thinking, that the band must necessarily turn they are really good and this combina- arettes and Aretha Franklin blurred into Elliott has been that band for a long inward and close the door to the outside tion works rather well! The musician- one, and her voice gives the album a time now, the band that I expect great- world – what emerges is a map of ship, as well as lyrics, is great, too. All blues-y punk quality that I’ve only ness of, the band that I expect to tran- uncharted musical territory which chal- in all, this CD gets a big thumbs up and heard before in the BellRays. This EP scend whatever musical limitations I lenges even the best and brightest song- is well worth your hard-earned cash. I comes and goes way too quickly, and can imagine and blow my mind with an writers to explore it. –Puckett won’t leave out that there’s a CD-R the CD itself is only about three and a album that I couldn’t have even (Revelation) video also included in this CD. Not bad half inches in diameter, which makes it dreamed of hearing. I’ve been expect- and all this is for only $5.98, too. Keep an easy one to lose. Other than that, I ing that since 2000’s False Cathedrals ENDS, THE: up the good work guys! –Mike Beer have no complaints about the DT’s. In which was the single best artistic Sorry XOXOXO: CD (Rodent Popsicle) a perfect world, I could see them live at achievement I heard that year. It was Since the whatever wave of street Tom’s Strip and Bowl. –Sean (Estrus) majestic, soaring, transcendent – all punk/ catchy oi – fronted and fortified EXERCISE: those big fluffy words which seem real- by Rancid, The US Bombs, and the The Autumn Gentleman: CD DUKES OF ly important and convey really big Dropkick Murphys – has seemed to let The guys on insert look like dirty bas- HILLSBOROUGH: If Only ideas. It was a pop record, it was emo, some of the fire burn from its torch, tards (which I mean as a compliment). We Had Someplace to Go: CD it side-stepped every sub-genre as soon there’s quietly a new cadre of bands The music isn’t. The music is firmly set I am inching closer and closer to liking I had managed to pin it down; it that have taken a lot of the now-famil- in the mid-Dischord era of Jawbox and the Dukes, but I’m still not yet there, remains one of my favorite albums to iar cues of CockSparrer, Blitz, the Sex Lungfish, which means there’s still and I can’t place my finger on it. The this day. I’m sure I reveal my bias as Pistols, 999, and Peter and the Test power left in the punches, but Gang of music: very similar to Hot Water soon as I note that I have been waiting Tube Babies. The Ends are right at the Four’s and Wire’s angles have found Music. Definitely not a direct rip, but for this new record for three years. I’ve top. What’s cool is that they’re not their ways in. An example: Get a the similarities are startling. They can been tracking the songs which have afraid to add the less-than-strictly- mouse. Put it in a box. Roll it down a capture claustrophobic moments that leaked onto the internet. I’ve been street-punk elements, opening the dila- hill. (Not a big one. You don’t want to break open to wide-open rides of songs anticipating hearing the whole god- tion to include Elvis Costello and Eater, hurt it.) Release it. It can’t walk in a that aren’t afraid to let the bass ride in damn thing on my headphones and infusing the moodiness of Johnny straight line, though it really tries. the front seat. Jeff’s voice is the biggest when it showed up in my mail this Thunders without the self-indulgence, Thusly, are Exercise. Sometimes, I’m departure and it sounds like a blown- morning, I knew how I’d be spending and the slash and fun of new wave. thinking, “Rock the fuck out. I can hear out speaker. Maybe it’s the pitch, but it my afternoon – headphones on, listen- Instead of watering down or being you can. You know how to. You want makes me wince. I feel my brow fur- ing to Elliott. And simply put, the wanky, a new bounce makes it fresh. to. Do it.” And although this CD’s okay row as I type this. I do, however, give three-year wait was worth it. While Other bands – that have nothing really plus plus, and the people who put it out full props to the album art. It’s so sim- “Song in the Air” seems to be a radical in common with The Ends, except they are fuckin’-a righteous (anyone who ple – a picture of a 32 oz. beer being departure from the poppier textures and somehow vaulted out of a dead-end takes you to a place that has a sausage poured into a gas tank. That’s poetic. conceits of False Cathedrals, it’s really drive that so many brick in as their own as the door handle is A-OK in my So many of my friends like these guys, an extension and advancement of the tombs – would be Wednesday Night book), I hear afterburners that I con- and I want to wave the banner too, but ideas which were set out and tentative- Heroes, the GC5, Mea Culpa, and stantly want to be goosed but aren’t. I just can’t. –Todd ly explored within that album’s con- Broken Bottles. There’s some truly –Todd (Learning Curve) (Attention Deficit Disorder) fines. False Cathedrals was, to an transcendent tracks on this. Highly sug- apparently large degree, a bridge gested. –Todd (Pelado) EXPLODING HEARTS: DYSRHYTHMIA: Pretest: CD between the more straight-forward emo Guitar Romantic: CD Instrumental math rock in jazzy shades and pop of Elliott’s debut, U.S. Songs, ENGLISH SOFTHEARTS: Interesting combination of sounds from of non-punk Bad Brain and lesser and this sonic experiment which seems Double Platinum: CD this band. It took a while to put my fin- species, wherein you can be pretty sure to ignore emo altogether in favor of I’ve noticed a lot of the discs I’ve ger on it, but I soon realized they they’re playing with their eyes closed, expressing more symphonic and classi- picked up of late have taken a bit of a sounded like a super-group comprised grooving on the groovy vibes, AKA cal tendencies (perhaps best acknowl- shift toward the “arty” end of the punk of members of the Crowd and the they never play or practice uninformed edged by the addition of a string quar- spectrum. While this isn’t always a bad Dickies covering old ‘70s mod/punk by bong hits (though, while being high tet fronted by The Rachel’s Christian thing (especially when it’s obvious that pop ditties. Mighty catchy tunes only undoubtedly makes making this shit Frederickson). The loops and beats the band in question is trying, for good sweeten the deal. Three of ‘em are dead fun or sweetly satisfying, no amount of which helped characterize parts of or ill, to “do something different”), now, which is a damn shame. –Jimmy recreational drugs is gonna make it fun False Cathedrals are still present; that some bands can end up wallowing in a Alvarado (Dirtnap) to listen to). –Cuss Baxter (Relapse) instrumentation now helps shape a sea of their own excesses and egos. soundscape which pays more attention Luckily, this ain’t the case here. EXPLOITED, THE: ECHOBOY: Giraffe: CD to shoegazing bands like Slowdive and Granted, some of the songs may be a Fuck the System: CD Bloody amazing. I’ve only recently My Bloody Valentine than punk bands little longer than is good for ‘em, but If you are an Exploited fan and you go found Echoboy – but he has quite a his- like Rites Of Spring or Embrace, which the bulk of what’s here is blissfully out and buy this, don’t look at the tory. This is his third release on Mute, owes a large debt to bands like Placebo sloppy, skewed, minimalist to the brink lyrics. It might bum you out. where he has called on the always fine and almost no debt at all to ones like of incompetence and played with Otherwise, if you can get past the bad talents of producer Flood to assist. A Hankshaw. And what it boils down to is tongue planted firmly in cheek. The lyrics this is a good release. I, for one, mixture of post punk meets electro in a this – despite changing two members result is something that would sound usually pay more attention to the music fucking remarkable album. You get a (Jay Palumbo, now playing in Thirty- great sandwiched between Suburban before I even look at the lyrics. But little bit of this and a little bit of that – Two Frames, and Jonathan Mobley), Lawns and Flipper on one o’ them when I picked this up, Jimmy Alvarado and it makes for a very accessible Chris Higdon and Kevin Ratterman weekend late night “underground punk was at Razorcake HQ and he fucked it album compared to his past releases. have created a masterful work, rock” shows. –Jimmy Alvarado up for me. He told me to look at the From folkish electro tracks to border- drenched in reverb and layers, crisp and (Magic Spot Productions) lyric sheet. My mouth dropped. I was line disco songs that would appeal to clear yet still dripping with mystery. now tainted and biased to what was those “electroclash” kids. It’s great for Higdon’s angelic, soaring, childlike ENVY: going to come out of my speakers once people like me who have terribly schiz- vocals still sound more like a choir- A Dead Sinking Story: CD I get this disc home. I did have another ophrenic tastes in music – and tend to boy’s than a singer for what is ostensi- I picked this up because it reminded me view from a long time fan and he had be a little more open minded when it bly a rock and roll band; while it still of a Rare Form 7” that I picked up in mentioned something about the lyrics comes to the evolution of music. Three sounds like Higdon is yearning for Maine (which you should too if you being stupid but the music was good. cheers for Echoboy. –Sarah (Mute) something, his vocal tones also suggest ever see it). Envy, however, plays the I So let’s see which side of the fence I that he knows exactly what he wants… scream, I whisper, I scream game in was going to go to. I didn’t go any- ED GEIN: It’s a Shame that a and that he won’t be denied. every song. Longest song I’ve seen in where on the fence. I’m stuck on top. Family Can Be Torn Apart by Ratterman, the other remaining about five years, clocking in at twelve The lyrics are stupid and the music is Something as Simple as a holdover from the False Cathedrals minutes and forty-four seconds. I’d had good. One thing I do have to say is they Pack of Wild Dogs: CD sessions, is still wielding his studio like enough at fifteen seconds. –Megan seem to be leaning more in the Shit. I thought these guys were emo for an instrument, seemingly treating the (Level Plane) Discharge camp than some reason, but somehow it was in my recording process as another possible 87 their own. The lyrics are structured the done very well. Great vocals, great same, in a sense. They’re simple and to music, great lyrics = a great full length. the point, even though the point is pret- These guys very strongly support the ty blunt and not too thought provoking. working class, which is evident in their For longtime fans who have stayed for lyrics. That’s good by me. So, yes, bust the long haul, they will enjoy this. If you out your wallet and buy this CD. I high- are new to punk and want to check out ly recommend it. –Mike Beer this band, I would steer you to the (Insurgence) Punk’s Not Dead LP instead. –Donofthedead (Spitfire) FLAMETHROWER: Self-titled: CD EXPLOITED: I was ready to hate this, but Fuck the System: CD Flamethrower opens the record with a This is pretty solid musically, with the song about The Super Bee and have mid-tempo hardcore beats and crunch- peaked my interest. It’s rock, no way ing guitars you’ve some to expect from around it, but the band seems like lean the Exploited. Lyrically, though, we’re towards Motorhead in a way that I like talking about a completely different ball and, at the same time, giving me a feel- of wax. Granted, The words that have ing that someone in this band listened to accompanied the average Exploited Agent Orange in high school. With that song haven’t exactly been poetry or any- said, and it’s nit picky, the vocals lean a thing, and it seems that they’ve only little away from Lemmy and towards worsened with age. Wattie’s voice is in Kurt Cobain. Fans of Zeke or fine form here, but he’s wasted his talent Motorhead should seek this out. –Wanda on mediocre, hackneyed lyrics instead Spragg (Dead Teenager) of tackling specific issues and taking to task the monoliths of the system he pro- FLATTBUSH: fesses to despise. Sorry, but repeating Smash the Octopus: CD “You’re a fucking bastard” some thirty- Some thoroughly razed music here, odd times and tossing in the occasional melding equal parts metal, hardcore and “and a shit cunt too” does not a song free jazz, and ending up with the make, and naming your songs after Filipino/American equivalent of having other, better known tunes (“Holiday in Melt Banana whooped upside your head the Sun,” “Noize Annoys”) doesn’t by your favorite grindcore band. While make ‘em good. Ultimately, you’re left certainly spastic in every sense of the wondering, to quote one of the songs word, closer inspection reveals a level here, “What’s the fucking point?” of precision and technical prowess that Maybe he should refrain from hanging might be lost on the casual listener. out with them poseurs in Total Chaos, Definitely not for those who are faint of ‘cause that band’s eagerness to peddle heart, but a damn good listen if you’re crap music is apparently rubbing off. feelin’ lucky, punk. –Jimmy Alvarado –Jimmy Alvarado (Spitfire) (Kool Arrow)

FANGS, THE: FLIP TOPS/ TRIGGERS: Metal Garage: LP Split 7” When I first put this on, I thought that Man, this is a good split. Flip Tops the title of this record was dead on. sound like Supercharger meets the Indeed, for a few seconds, it sounded Dwarves meets the Motards. Both tracks like an unholy alliance of Venom and (and the two on their split with the the Gories. When the vocals kicked in, I Gloryholes) seem to show the Flip Tops realized that I was playing this on the maturing as a band from their full-length wrong speed. Whoops. Replace Venom released late last year. Everything works with Kiss and the Gories with the so well now. The Triggers are so damn Mooney Suzuki and you get an idea of good. Female-fronted, no-nonsense the not good time I had listening to this. punk’n’roll. –Megan (Johnny Cat) –Not Josh (Bad Reputation) FORFEIT THE DAY: FIGHT, THE: Self-titled: CD Demo: CD-R Sometimes when you review stuff you Speed metal that’s comparable to, um, have to contrast how you much you like other speed metal bands, I guess. Not something with how good a job it does exactly what I would call my area of of what it tries to do. I don’t see myself expertise. I’ve got nothing but sympathy that impressed with this CD in contrast for the singer, who sounds like he’s con- with a lot of other music. However, I am stipated. I’ve been there, dude, I feel for sure that this band formed with the you. –Not Josh ([email protected]) intention of impressing me. Even so, nobody I have played this for believes FOUR SQUARE: me when I show them the band photo – Three Chords.. One Capo: CD they look way too young to be making Yawn... Stretch... Rub my eyes... This music as well as they are, and everyone R.E.M., indie band almost put me to is shocked the singer is female – she sleep. –Donofthedead (Bad Taste) doesn’t sound like a boy so much as she has a really unique vocal style, especial- FREE VERSE: Inventing an ly to contrast her with most female Archetype: CDEP vocalists. I bet these guys will be a real I reviewed their two-song EP awhile hit with the kids, and I just hope they back. I actually kept it. It has survived a stick it out for a while. A few years from couple of clean outs of the collection. now, and with a better name, I can imag- They have a dark, moody tone to them ine being completely in awe here. I do that I am attracted to but can’t listen to worry. They walk a fine line away from all the time. This EP is a six-songer that being the next Blink 182 or whoever, shows better production and progres- but they are definitely on the right side sion. The band has remained intact with of that line. –Rich Mackin (Fat) the same three women grinding out their rage. The songs remain dirgy, dark and FIGHTING CHANCE: angry while maintaining their rock edge. Thus Hope Fades: CD They still remind me of an old death This month I got a lot of killer CDs to rock band from the ‘80s but add ele- review. This one is no exception. ments, this time around, that remind me Thirteen tracks of excellent street punk, of that metal band, Kittie. This is one I hardcore, and even a reggae tune. It’s all will keep. –Donofthedead (Demirep) FROM ASHES RISE/ sound like if they slowed down and there’s no dead spots, so it’s much better send a couple of bucks, and have them VICTIMS: Split CD wrote incredibly general and vague than first blush. I always enjoy the burn you a copy. This one caught me by From Ashes Rise: Today, I drove my political songs about how they’re, like, translations (it’s sung in accented surprise. –Todd (Hot Carl, 140 Loras truck around to do some errands. To get totally pissed because, like, there are English): “The punch lines goes disarm Blvd. #4, Dubuque, IA 52001) to the photocopy place, I have to go these companies, see? And they, like, or we’ll break you arm/ We’ve got what through one of those up-scale outdoor make money and that’s, like, totally it takes to wipe a whole country.” HOT CROSS/LIGHT THE malls/slash renovated downtown com- unfair, see? And, like, television is bad, Although not earth shattering, a wel- FUSE AND RUN: Split CDEP merce places, and From Ashes Rise was see? And they probably really mean it… come listen. This would fit right in on Two songs and one video of each. Hot awesome for that. It was like a movie, man. At any rate, if you can imagine Crackle Records out of England, if that Cross’ video is a simple live clip with seconds before the apocalypse. Instead that, then you really don’t need this helps. –Todd (The Happening) attendant poor sound, and their studio of taking at face value the shiny people record. And just to be perfectly clear, the tracks are too heavy on the jangle and with bits of plastic sewn under their above comments should be not be con- HEADHUNTERS, THE: noodle to get away with so much skin, I could imagine the decay, the strued in any way, shape or form to con- Escape the Grave 7” screaming about eyes and hands and bombs ripping the place apart. It made stitute anything resembling a recom- Punk bands can be so encouraging. voices and pictures. Light the Fuse and me smile. And even though it was just a mendation. They are, in fact, the exact Always railing against the system, Run, on the other hand, turned in a bet- play in my mind, it made me feel better opposite. I’m urging you to save your- stickin’ it to the man, defending your ter video (interview and live footage, that music could dominate and bring the self the time in your life that I just wast- right to be yourself, no matter how soundtracked with the two songs from storm clouds, through the heat, and take ed on this boring piece of unimagina- fucked up you might be. Of course, the audio part of the disc) and better out a Cheesecake Factory. For a more tive, uninteresting and uninspired shit. sometimes the venom of bands like the songs: second one’s a slow, quiet instru- technical take on the band, see the –Puckett (Rockstar) Headhunters can be diluted by lyrics mental that evokes old Western movies, upcoming review for their upcoming like “Don’t let them take your dreams but “Ghost Town” shows that these fel- full-length, Nightmares. Victims: I GIANT HAYSTACKS: away!” That’s nice, but isn’t “they” a lit- lows know how to write a dang song: probably would like this band loads How We Lost the War: 7” tle vague? And then there’s the b-side, meaty riffs, proper timing on the ten- more if From Ashes Rise didn’t just Sounds like a mod version of The Punch “Skinhead Time.” The world needs sion-buildup parts, discriminate use of waylay me. They’re good, like a pipe to Line era Minutemen, which doesn’t another hooligan shout-a-long about “fuck”s, and lyrics that, while obscure, the knee from a passing car. They have make a hell of a lot of sense to me, “boots and braces” like it needs another actually bring to mind something con- a lot in common with fellow Swedes, though i guess this is not the gravest cri- Third World invasion. And what’s with crete. Ain’t no Flesh Eating Creeps, but Skitsystem, with the throttle twisted and sis of faith ever brought upon me by the all the misplaced nostalgia? What exact- what is? –Cuss Baxter (Level Plane/ shouting in full effect. It’s furious and postmodernist era. Might be the crude, ly was so fucking wonderful about the Electric Human Project) straight-forward, but the drummer hits early baby steps of a band that grows to good ol’ skinhead days? Were Docs his limits when they go full bore. I also do things of substantial tremendousness cheaper or something? Where there less HUSBANDS, THE: hear a bunch of Motorhead in the bass – in the future; might be the only tolerable poseurs or immigrants or what? Who Self-titled: CD that chugga chugga, train derailing into record by a band that later becomes an cares? This sort of hooligan romanti- Easily the best CD to come across my a house of nails type deal. Not a bad aggravating pack of pretentious, overex- cism gives me the creeps. –Eric Rife desk lately. It’s refreshing to have an all- split, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say that posed weenies. Only time will tell, but (Haunted Town) girl band that you can lay aside any From Ashes Rise is going to get more they’re sure not winning any friends by comments that focus on that alone, play. –Todd (Havoc) adorning their front cover with a photo HELLS, THE: CDEP because – fuck – they rock harder, of a row of airport lobby seats – possi- Woo, here’s some sexy two-piece rock- tighter, and more consistently than at FUCKTIFINO: The Fast bly the one image guaranteed to cause a ’n’roll. Sexier than the White Stripes, least thirty of the bands I reviewed this Effective Relief EP: CDEP Pavlovian homicidal reaction in every- even. Sounds like the Stooges run time around. They’re one of my favorite This one is pretty touch and go for me. one who comes across it. BEST SONG: through Boss Hog with a little Blue bands right now. Period. They’re like The weird thing is that I liked all of the “How We Lost the War” BEST SONG Cheer on top. The man sings one song the Animals, but with more balls. Super odd songs and pretty near hated the TITLE: “The Pigs vs. The Kids” FAN- (and sounds like the guy from trashy, snarly, roots rock that gets you even. The odd songs are fast, guitar- TASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: Mudhoney), but the lady sings the other all hot. Then they throw in covers of the heavy street punk, with breakdowns that Band makes no mention whatsoever of five (there’s a drummer, too, but I can’t Drifters and the Shirelles to sweeten up teeter on the metal side, which fully ‘70s wrestler Haystacks Calhoun, even tell if he’s a proper Hell) in a strong, the whole thing. Highly recommended. works somehow. The even songs seem though, tipping the scales at 500 pounds sweet, accented (they’re from the UK, –Megan (Swami) to get slower and poppier, but with time or so, one cannot help but view him as but she sounds Scandinavian to me) they are growing on me a bit. –Megan the only appropriate choice for band voice that drips charm and authority. I IRRITATE/HATED (Fuktifino) mascot. –Rev. Nørb (Giant Haystacks) expect if they can get themselves in PRINCIPLES: The Power American clubs and a full-length in our of Heavy Metal vs. GC5, THE: Kisses from GLORYHOLES/ stores, they should do pretty dang well The Insanity of Punk: 7” Hanoi/ Horseshoes FLIP TOPS: Split 7” in today’s climate. –Cuss Baxter Irritate: Mid-tempo metal with cookie and Handgrenades: CD Gloryholes: Snotty sounding “whoo (Artrocker) monster vocals. Hated Priciples: Gone Glory be. It’s cool to hear from yeah!” rock with tambourine. Flip Tops: are the days of tunes like “Flames of Razorcake #13’s cover boys, even if it’s I like these tracks much more than I HORDE, THE: Self-titled: 7” Hell” and in their place are eight tracks a re-release. The increasingly more dif- liked their full-length on Rip-Off, which They remind me of the Cro-Mags and of some wicked sounding hardcore. ficult to get Kisses from Hanoi LP, orig- I liked quite a bit. Everything just that, my dear friends, is not a compli- While the recording quality leaves a lot inally released by Outsider, cozied up to sounds like it’s come together so much ment. –Jimmy Alvarado (1234 Go!) to be desired, it does lend a creepy qual- the Horseshoes EP, makes for some tighter and fits together better now. ity to the proceedings, with makes the prime Cleveland fuck the man listening. Dirty rock’n’roll with a garage-y feel. HOT CARL: God Bless ensuing racket that much more interest- This is the era where the GC5 came into Well worth picking up. –Megan America, Popcorn Shrimp’s ing. –Jimmy Alvarado true form. They shed the growing skins (Johnny Cat) on Sale: Demo: CDEP (Hostile Regression) of being very sonically close to Rancid, My memory of Dubuque is fuzzy. Did I established their footing, planted a polit- GREAT REDNECK HOPE: see Hot Carl, or were they just around JACK TRAGIC & THE ical flag right in the ass of corporate ‘splosion: CD when people were falling out of trees in UNFORTUNATES: Coming America, and began making songs that Full-on noisecore. Not my cup of tea, inflated inner tubes, before the paint Down Like a Hammer: CD simultaneously makes one want to raise but the song titles (e.g., “Girl, Are You fire, before I almost got in a fight with a ...since this was already reviewed by beers and burn WalMarts to the ground. Down with Bacteria? And If So, Would guy who kept on pushing me to say, another intrepid staffer last issue, i’ll With lines like, “And I strive to bite the You Like to See the Inside of Our “Fred Durst is a genius”? I understand I restrict my commentary to the only hand that’s feeding me at last/ And carry Van?”) are brilliant. –Jimmy Alvarado was drunk for the better part of the thing i recall of Jack Tragic from back in on the banner of the working class/ (Thinker Thought) week, and that may help explain why I The Day: I was once sent a fanzine circa When I’m dead on my feet or shackled didn’t realize how great they were. 1984 – from Connecticut, i think – that to the beat,” you know what you’re get- HAPPENING, THE: Maybe it’s I’m not so up on their name. devoted more or less an entire issue to ting. Gritty, while retaining class-act Shit Happens: CD Dunno. Hot Carl’s got the hard, tightly proclaiming what an asshole and men- songwriting, they sound like a super An ultra-tight halfway mix between The structured but expansive melody of ace to society Jack Tragic and his band amplified and pissed-off gang of Johnny Eyeliners and Discount by a power trio Tiltwheel (plus that “it sounds happy were. Since i’d never heard of him or Cashes, updated to suit today’s discrim- fronted by two Japanese ladies who are but it’s not” quality), hitched onto guitar the zine before – or, ‘til this CD, since – inating punk tastes. By all means, that’s concerned with world and personal pol- parts that Jughead of Screeching Weasel i was never completely sold that the zine a great thing. This is their most political itics. I have a feeling they can play their would approve of. (Plus the double lyri- wasn’t just the work of J.T. himself, work (Never Bet the Devil Your Head instruments behind their backs, or cal meaning in SW. “I’m Doing Fine” is attempting some manner of press coup became more personal.) Some of these upside down, or in the shower, yet a song about losing it. And “Sympathy” by distributing a bogus fanzine dedicat- songs are four years old and I still pull there’s enough playfulness and art-kept- is followed by the parenthetical “(or ed solely to propagating tales of his own them out and crank them on. –Todd in-check pretensions that’s very appeal- lack thereof)”) But it’s better than just alleged controversialness. Anyway, i (Thick) ing. When they slow it down, the songs that, much like Rivethead’s Thundercat think this is what GG Allin wanted to actually breathe in and out and have music machine is better than the sum of sound like at one point, until he realized GHOULIES, THE: nice flourishes, instead of repeating in a their parts. The songs punch and leave he was doomed by his own innate pop- Communication: CD lock step. Shit Happens’ got a very marks of their own and the all the bands piness and went off the deep end. If you can imagine what Zeke would clean pop rock’n’roll feel that at first I referred them to before are just Whoopee. BEST didn’t get me, but on the headphones, whizzing-by signposts. I say write them, SONG: “Mind Loot” 89 BEST SONG TITLE: “Mind Loot” or come to this conclusion: if they keep it usually fuels me (like politics, revolu- Poison, and they had a way of writing “Milk Carton Mistress” FANTASTIC buzzing, Lance Hahn’s voice is just tionary sentiments, etc.), but it’s an songs up from the gutter, which you AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: At one another instrument in the maelstrom. addictive record, one which practically wouldn’t really expect from a limos- point in time, band featured a member Think Everything Falls Apart, Hüsker demands to be put on repeat and and-groupies-scene band. They were named “Dee Stroy,” which appears to be Dü: equal parts melody and velocity. allowed to play for about a week. Blair also one of my brother’s favorite bands, the punk rock equivalent of “John Bone snapping, crunchy parts and fin- Shehan’s characteristic breathy vocals so Junkyard mostly reminds me of good Smith” or something. –Rev. Nørb ger-snapping happy parts. The first two combine with Pedro Benito’s ringing times hanging out with him. But make (Dionysus) songs on this split, “Terror of Love,” guitar lines to yield a slew of majestic no mistakes, this is late-’80s hair metal. and “Ghost Writer,” I’ll say are two of pop songs, each of which seems better Now, apparently they’ve reformed with- JACKIE: Goes Electric b/w my favorite all-time J-Church songs. than the one before. –Puckett out Brian Baker (he’s currently in Bad Stars Brought Low: 7” However, the other two songs take (Better Looking) Religion, but he did write a song on this Boring, forgettable new wave/post- heavy ether whippits and where Blake EP), and they’ve recorded new songs or punk. C’mon guys, ditch the Joy of Jawbreaker had a voice that could JONNY AND THE new versions of old songs. There are a Division records already. A little Palatka break hearts, when Lance’s is up front, GROADIES/CORPSE FUCKS couple of hair metal songs at the begin- every now and then never hurt anybody. it’s more thin and has a tinny tint to it, CORPSE/GIFT OF ning, a dreaded rock ballad, a pretty –Not Josh (Glare) which I don’t find as satisfying. Plus, GOATS/GET GET GO: cool country song, a remake of one my 5:43 and 6:38 are too long for songs to Untitled: LP brother’s favorite songs, “Simple Man,” JAGA JAZZIST: clock in at. That’s simple math. Storm Jonny: Pummeling, vaguely black metal and another metal song at the end. Animal Chin: CD EP the Tower: Not so good. The bar’s been sounding noise. Corpse Fucks: –Sean (Heatslick) I had always respected GSL for being a raised so much on hardcore. Not as rip Disjointed noisecore with tons of label that always released interesting sawing as Crispus Attucks, not as youth- tempo/meter changes. Gift of Goats: KAOSPILOT: Self-titled: CD music – even if it wasn’t particularly to vital as Life’s Halt, not anywhere as One stunner of a band who play wholly One would assume that a guy screaming my liking – and doing it independently. inventive as Tragedy, nor as insightful varied, wholly original hardcore (appar- full-bore into your ear would garner However, this release – as well as a slew as Strike Anywhere, or hacksaw- ently no small feat these days). The some level attention being paid by the of other back catalog albums I had through-femur dangerous as DS-13, closest equivalent I can muster is Black listener. Surprisingly, that wasn’t the recently ordered – turned my head and they get repetitive real fast. Sorry. Flag at their pain-drenched prime, case here. –Jimmy Alvarado perspective completely around. It’s an –Todd (Broken Rekids) although these guys sound nothing like (Level-Plane) electro-fusion-jazz album with plenty of them. Get Get Go: More skronk, this blip-and-twitter-core and a fair bit of JEALOUS SOUND, THE: with more going on than the first two KERBLOKI: Self-titled: CD drum and bass which basically means Kill Them with Kindness: CD bands in terms of dynamics. Can’t say Sweet! Something good! It’s the Beastie it’s a stylistic mess which just so hap- My friend Brent rarely tells me about much else about these bands due to a Boys if they were more like classical pens to be a brilliant gumbo of skittering bands, but when he does, he’s always startling dearth of info included. music majors or something. Smart beats and soothing jazz textures – think right. He turned me on to The Recommended for the Gift of Goats music, smart and creative lyrics, and Goldie, Roni Size, Jazzanova and Weakerthans; about a year or so ago, he tracks alone. –Jimmy Alvarado three handsome white boys named The Underworld. This lengthy (nearly forty- told me that I needed to check out The (Omnibus) Chip, Kobra, and Urban Myth. I’m not three minutes) EP is all over the musical Jealous Sound, a band featuring ex- very rap savvy, even though, like any map but somehow it all coheres, con- members of Knapsack and Sunday’s JUNKYARD: good punk rock kid, I always loved gealing into a beat-driven mix of 1970s Best among other indie / punk luminar- Tried and True: CDEP Public Enemy and the Beastie Boys. It’s cool jazz and jazzy jungle’s decidedly ies. The debut EP consisted of five Junkyard were a late-’80s hair metal such a chill out record, with a tight old 1990s reworking of it. –Puckett (GSL) songs of outstanding emo-inflected band featuring Brian Baker from Minor school Blaxsploitation feel, and even a indie-pop which didn’t fall too far from Threat and Chris Gates from the Big wicked synth/electro feel. I’m digging J-CHURCH/STORM THE the previous trees and whetted my Boys on guitars. As you may expect the catchy dance track, “Please Don’t TOWER: Split CD appetite for more. Thus, the full-length. from Brian Baker and Chris Gates, Die in the Ice” (or should that be “Da J-Church: Keep it fast. After years of It’s a tremendous pop album – there’s Junkyard had more imagination and cre- Ice?”), with its wicked layered synth sporadic listens to J-Church, I’ve finally not much here in terms of the stuff that ativity than bands like Motley Crue or beats and catchy chorus. This is the song those electroclash kids would be break need to sell will be a black T with the unholy cross between 999’s “No Pity” KINGS OF NUTHIN’: dancing to. The nice thing about this orange and red logo, exactly the same and the Rezillos’ “Bad Guy Reaction,” Shit Out of Luck 7” album is that it goes from live size as on the album cover. If this is and “Hit the Road” sounds like the con- With a horn that sounds like it was drums/guitar/etc, to drum machine/ incorrect, please see your way clear to temporary garage scene meets Road to plucked out of an early John Waters synth in a matter of tracks. “I.T.U.” is a slit the throat of every idiot involved.) Ruin) (which is good), the work as a soundtrack, a barrelhouse piano and a remarkable cool and chill-out instru- Amazingly, on initial stylus-platter con- whole never really regains its compo- vocalist who sounds like he mental that reminds me even a bit of tact, the answer appears to be a resound- sure after the whole “Hey! Hey! Hey!” chainsmokes filterless Camels, the Looper. Just you wait. In a year every- ing “JA!” “A Bit of Your Love” lunges debacle. Logo wins by TKO, but, hey, Kings of Nuthin’ have a lot of style. one will be wearing Kerbloki. –Sarah out of the starting gate (or do i mean the the quinella still pays. BEST SONG: “A Whether or not all that flash and gruff (Bifocal Media) “paddock turn?” No, i’m pretty sure the Bit of Your Love” BEST SONG TITLE: humor translates into something you paddock turn is not ‘til later) like some “Hey! Hey! Hey!” FANTASTIC want to hear over and over again is KIDNAPPERS, THE: Ransom sort of long lost Sex Cow era AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: probably something else entirely. This Notes & Telephone Calls: LP Teengenerate conflagration, spurred Shockingly, the song “Maximum Rock- might be best described as skinibilly… As much as i love the Buzzcocks, i con- along by electric outbursts of cattle-prod N-Roll” simply appears to be about lots o’ tattoos, snappy black suits and tie sider the graphics on (most of) their ear- keyboards and wisely shifting into a rocking-n-rolling to the maximum! Will ensembles and a macho frontguy lier releases to be even better than the slightly more pop gear in the choruses wonders never cease? –Rev. Nørb singing about being down in the dumps. music therein; technically, that makes (i’m thinking the Oysters, from Boston, (Alien Snatch) –Eric Rife (Haunted Town) their records mild disappointments, ca. 1986, but you don’t have to). MY which just goes ta show ya what a tough GAWD. THIS BAND APPEARS TO KILL-A-WATTS/ KINISON, THE: act to follow great graphics are (if you BE AS GOOD AS THEIR LOGO! I SWEET J.A.P.: Split 7” Self-titled: CDEP don’t believe me, just ask Adolf Hitler, don’t know if i should feel happy for the Kill-A-Watts: Wisconsonite juvenile Screamy screamy chugga chug chug who, via his design work on the visual band, or bad for the designer. The album delinquency has never sounded better. whisper moan scream repeat. This is emblems of his government, legitimate- careens along. “Midnight Ritz” lays off Biting, blood and hickey-drawing gui- what I think Slipknot would sound like. ly qualifies as the most influential the slight pop throttle; “Close to You” tars, screams and screeches that could –Megan (Fearless) graphic designer of the 20th Century opens it up tenfold. Then, for no appar- etch a very pretty fuck you into polished [seriously], but never did anything ent reason, the album suddenly derails steel, drums that could blast holes in KRMTX: Ice Hatchet: 7” worth a shit beyond that). Now, by my (AH! The ever-persnickety paddock walls, and two songs – “1977 Two new songs from a band previously calculations, the Kidnappers have the turn at last!), sliding ass-over-teakettle Sunglasses” and “X-Ray-Dead- known as Chromatics. The title track is second coolest band logo of all time, into the bramble bush of a truly forget- Woman” – that jab quicker than knife a moody, bass-driven piece of minimal- that i can think of (the Buzzcocks more table cover of Teengenerate’s “Right wounds in a chicks-gone-bad-in-prison ism and the b-side, “Curtains,” follows or less permanently occupying the pole Now,” which has, completely inexplica- B-movie. Sweet J.A.P.: perhaps one of along the same lines. A bit arty and a lit- position since time immemorial). It’s bly, been retitled “Hey! Hey! Hey!” and ten bands that wouldn’t be shamed by tle less frenetic than previous efforts, red and orange on black, and it’s got credited as having been written by the the Kill-A-Watts and still be in the but still a nice change of pace. –Jimmy stencils and stripes and lines and an Kidnappers. Uh... what say? This rather, musical ballpark, eat fire and blow it all Alvarado (GSL) arrow and a quadrilateral and reversed- er, quizzical selection is immediately back through the speakers. Donde esta out letters and not-reversed-out letters followed up by a... uh... Loli & The my eyebrows? Burned the fuck off. LADDERBACK, THE: and is, quite frankly, a thing of great Chones cover, which fares better in the Much like how Scared of Chaka made Trigger Themes: CD wonderment and beauty. Therefore, the translation, yet stands as almost as pecu- the line between punk and garage irrele- Man, this band is funky. They have a lot Sixty-Four-Thousand Euro Question is liar a sequencing decision as the inclu- vant, I dare say Sweet J.A.P. are broad- of funky breakdowns in their screamy “Can the Kidnappers actually emit sion of the camouflaged Teengenerate ening that horizon while keeping it in hardcore that tries to impose as many music as stunning as their logo, or are cover was a lapse in anything resem- the red. Such precisely sloppy assurance “parts” to each song as possible, there- they doomed to try to scrape together a bling good judgment. And, although the and danger-kicking rarely reached this fore making it “math rock hardcore,” I living merely off of the t-shirt conces- remainder of the album is certainly bet- high, this consistently. Awesome split. guess. Or, come on, it’s just prog rock sion?” (i take the liberty of assuming the ter than “decent” (“Break My Heart” is –Todd (Nice and Neat) made by hardcore kids. The songs usu- only t-shirt the band sells or will ever a great punk-popper, “Excuse Me” an ally range around 3:25 minutes each, Definitely! Does that mean I like them? fun. The six songs come and go so comp LPs. However, with the onset of but, with the 4,000 parts to each song, Not really, but I would be lying if I said quickly. –Megan (Cage Match) the flamboyant tremolo of “Sigma they all seem longer then they’re sup- this wasn’t really catchy from the start Attack” (one assumes that, in Germany, posed to be. There is no doubt they’re to finish. If I was a major label A&R LOCAL OAFS/ the title bears none of the “getting tight as hell on this recording and very guy looking for some band that could MUSIC/NINJA: jumped by fratboys” connotations it talented. There is just too much going write music that would mindlessly drill Essen Sie Punk?: 7” wields in the states) (in point of fact, on. I need to go lay down. I’m gonna upbeat punk / top 40 pop rock into a Local Oafs: Holy fuck, there’s nine the name comes from the dude’s gui- invent a new genre and call it person’s brain, leaving them begging songs on one side! They’re not trying to tar), my interest and the band’s appar- “Showoff-Core.” –Sarah for freedom... I can’t help wondering if jam them all on there, either. It just all ent ability to satisfy same increased by (BiFocal Media) we have come so far in punk rock / pop fits! The craziest part about it is that it’s an order of magnitude; the only dud on music that a band can’t find a formula really good, too. It sounds like every- the entire second side is their LARKIN: The Curse of on the internet that will tell you where thing is filtered through a tin can – Dogmatics’ cover (“Saturday Night Our Fathers: CD to put in the right breaks and chorus super fuzzy and distorted. Somehow, Again,” which realistically should’ve I didn’t know there was a large contin- that will create something that sticks in though that just adds to it. The best been relegated to non-LP-B-side sta- gent of Irish people in Tulsa, OK. I your head. This is the basis for success- thing of all is that they’ve got a guy tus). Prior to “Sigma Attack,” every- wouldn’t really know since I have bare- ful advertising jingles, right? –Wanda name Shawn Michaels in the band. thing seemed like a lesser version of ly been anywhere. But here they are, an Spragg (Porterhouse) HBK – the Heartbreak Kid! Even if something i’d heard done better else- Irish/Celtic band that follows the foot- they don’t know who he is in the where; after “Sigma,” the band sound- steps of the past like the Pogues – or LIMECELL: wrestling world, I think it’s pretty cool. ed like what i’d imagine the children of more currently like Flogging Molly It’s Gonna Get Ugly: CD Music/Ninja: They’re okay, nothing DMZ would sound like if they were minus the punk leanings. They label Here comes another one from this long that grabbed though. The best of their bitten by rabid German Shepherds their style of music as traditional Irish running band. It’s a solid release – three songs is “I Make Money.” Great (dogs or humans, mox nix) and locked songs of drinking and rebellion. plenty of streetpunk and hardcore with packaging: all black and white comics. in the same basement that DMZ prac- Former Brother Inferior vocalist leads some fast, some slow, and some mid- The insert has a whole set of strips all tice in by parents so terrified of the bes- this assemblage of musicians. This paced songs. It’s all that you would revolving around what happens when tial transformations their offspring genre of music is always a welcome expect from Limecell: in your face and someone eats too much of the punk were undergoing that, in lieu of seeking change when you need something a lit- unpolitical. Limecell is one of those rock with the lyrics. –Megan (Standard medical attention, they merely instruct- tle more mellow. –Donofthedead bands that you either love or hate. Sjobuse) ed the imprisoned youths to practice (Know) There is no in-between. If you like “Mighty Idy” for hours on end, figuring Limecell, you will be very happy with LOCOMOTIONS, THE: that they’ll harmlessly drop dead of LEG: Self-titled: 7” this release. If you don’t like them, this Self-titled: LP exhaustion eventually – but, after ten What a pleasant surprise! The music is release will not change your mind. This album failed to sufficiently nuke minutes of slavering and violence, the kind of like a cross between a sloppy –Mike Beer (TKO) me up until the point where the tremo- kids decide to write “I’m on Fire” DIY punk band (like Onion Flavored lo-bonkers instrumental “Sigma instead (which they very well might Rings or maybe Shotwell) and some of LOCAL OAFS/DYKE Attack” made its appearance (that have been at the time), and their parents the more lo-fi Guided By Voices stuff HARD: Mortal Combat: 7” would be last track, side one, if you’re run out of the house, never to return, (like “Game of Pricks”). I didn’t really Dyke Hard: All girl (I think) super lo-fi scoring at home); i had hitherto half- screaming like the guy on the Kill the like the vocals at first, but I kept listen- pretty gritty punk. Sounds kind of unre- dismissed the contents of the album as Poor sleeve. The only real conclusion i ing to this since I liked the music so markable and then I found myself ask- not-overly-compelling garageyness, can draw from this is that tremolo ped- much and after a few spins they grew ing lots of questions, like, “Wait, was distinguished chiefly by the vicious, als can solve world hunger. Oh, and on me. Neat shit. –Not Josh (Half-Day) that a kazoo?” or, “Did she just say, ‘I clean little guitar that kept snapping “She’s Got Her” sounds a little like just want to choke you with my cunt?’” away at me through a side full of tracks “Here Comes the Nice” by the Small LIGHTWEIGHT HOLIDAY: and it all fits. A decent listen. Local that sounded like marginally more Faces. BEST SONG: i’ll say “Sigma Light Holiday: CD Oafs: surprised the hell out of me. berserk cuts off those “PowerPearls” Attack,” although i don’t really think Should this band be famous? They’re really good. They’re fast and ‘70s/’80s UK home-made power pop that’s the right answer. BEST SONG TITLE: “Make Up Your Mind”, “I’m on now. This is also great stuff when you the same noisy aesthetic in spades, so NERF HERDER: My EP: CD Fire” and “Come and Get It” are all are vacuuming, washing dishes or maybe that means they intend to stay A goofy band that has a soft spot in my pretty good... too bad they’re already putting that suppository in your pet’s down in the scuz for a while. I’ll be right heart. If I listen to their stuff more than taken (what the fuck is it with these butt. Now that is a great soundtrack! up front if they do. –Cuss Baxter once, I’m usually entertained. It’s goofy European bands recycling song titles? I –Donofthedead (Fat Wreck Chords) (Reptilian) pop punk that I find more humorous mean, they don’t even recycle REAL than modern day Guttermouth or stuff over there). I guess i’ll go with ME FIRST AND THE MICO: Outside the Vandals. This is a re-release of an old “Sigma Attack” again. FANTASTIC GIMME GIMMES: Unbearable Grows: CD EP with bonus tracks. If you like the AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: As is only Take a Break: LP Emo/ alternative rock stuff that doesn’t first two Vandals LPs or are just a plain right and just, the bonus track is, in fact, Who would’ve guessed that this gim- stand out from any other band doing nerd and love the Weezer, pull the bucks “The Loco-Motion.” Oops, you peeked! mick would last so long? After a CDEP, this, except that this is on G7, so I guess out of the pocket protector and splurge. –Rev. Nørb (Alien Snatch) eleven seven inches, and this makes it’s left wing emo/ alternative rock stuff. –Donofthedead (Honest Don’s) their fourth full-length, they’re still I care lots. –Not Josh (G7 Welcoming LORDS OF THE HIGHWAY: going strong. There are so many compo- Committee) NEW BREED, THE: Lost in Sin: CD nents that add up to their addictive Port City Rebels: CD I’m not a big rockabilly fan, but occa- sound: the songs they pick, the ability to MISFITS: Project 1950: CD The New Breed play eight songs of very sionally a band like Lords of the adapt to those songs (who knew Black I can’t tell you how bad it is sitting here nice, well done, tuneful singalong street Highway comes along and blows me Flag’s “Six Pack” could serve as the listening to this. This blew any good punk Irish style songs with lots of hooks away. At first, I wasn’t sure what sepa- perfect intro to a Seal song?), and, of thoughts I have of the band from the and melody. There is even some man- rated Lords of the Highway from the course, Spike’s voice. On Take a Break, early ‘80s out the toilet. It’s ‘50s covers, dolin on here! Good lyrics about hang- pack, but after repeated listens, I’ve got they say that they’re paying homage to basically done verbatim with the Jerry ing out, drinking, and other stuff. The some theories. For one, Dennis Bell’s some of the best black performers, but I Only touch. The only redeeming factor vocalist reminds me of the guy from guitar owes more to Dick Dale’s influ- know the secret: it’s all about Batman of this release is on the bonus DVD – Youth Brigade at times. Anyway this ence than it does to Buddy Holly or (the movie series, not the comic which I not the videos of these covers, but the CD is really good and I would highly Gene Vincent. Also, the rhythm section know little of except when Harley five bonus videos. The first is the singer recommend it. –Mike Beer (Longshot) doesn’t lie back and leave everything up Quinn is involved). “What’s this girl of Balzac singing with this incarnation to the guitar and vocals; they get off been drinking?” you ask? It’s true and I of the Misfits. The second and third is NINJA GUN: their asses and rip through their own have proof. It’s all there in the songs. Jerry Only singing with Balzac on a Pork’s Not Dead: CD-R side trips throughout the songs. There’s First of all, it was too obvious to put couple of songs. Then the last two First of all, I almost threw this away. a lot of energy and bounce to all the “Nothing Compares 2 U” by Prince videos are strictly Balzac. Someone out When I opened it up, there was a small songs. The result is an album that stays (who wrote the entire soundtrack for there will like this. It’s just not me. pile of what looked and smelled like true to the spirit of rockabilly, but incor- Batman) right before “Crazy” by Seal –Donofthedead (Misfits) moldy used bandages. I was pretty fuck- porates ’50s and early ’60s rock’n’roll (whose “Kiss from a Rose” was the ing disgusted until I read the little note in new ways, gathers up a healthy dose theme song to Batman Forever). “Ain’t MISS LUDELLA BLACK: that came with this and I realized that of punk aesthetic, and makes something No Sunshine” – okay, Batman lives The Skull of a Man: 7” they were pouches of smokeless tobac- that’s new and interesting and fun to lis- where? Gotham City, the dark city and A former Delmonas/Headcoatee hooks co, which is still disgusting. Anyway, ten to all the way through. I’m not sold he’s referred to as the Dark Knight. No up with a former Headcoats’ new band, the first song sounds kind of like a less on the cover of Danzig’s “Twist of subtlety there. “I Believe I Can Fly” is a namely the Masonics, and they crank noisy, more boring Archers of Loaf, the Cain,” but it’s got my wife dancing. reflection of the frustration that Batman out three bleak songs naturally up to second song sounds like the Bon Jovi –Sean (Rocknroll Purgatory) felt that he couldn’t actually fly. I mean, their eyeballs in ‘60s trappings. The stuff from that cowboy movie he did the come on, how many gadgets did he have results are, of course, top-notch, but I soundtrack for, and the other two are MARKED MEN, THE: that could make it appear that he was am glad I don’t own a straight razor. country songs that aren’t as good as any Self-titled: 7” flying? His calling card, the bat symbol, –Jimmy Alvarado (Smartguy) country music that I listen to but still Cracklin’, crankin’ power pop punk in was shone where? That’s right. Up in better than Brooks and Dunn. So there. the vein of the Briefs (less bounce, more the sky, a sky that he could never reach MOTION CITY –Not Josh (no address) slash) – and I’m a fuckin’ sucker for it. on his own. “Oh Girl” can easily be seen SOUND-TRACK: In one ear, I hear a rusty scratch of an as the damage done to Bruce Wayne by I Am the Movie: CD NOTHING FAMOUS: anxious voice and in the other, I hear a the loss of his parents at an early age. I was real ready to not like this, but they Self-titled: CD catchy, playful Saints back line, making Just look at the lyrics: “I don’t know manage to hook you in with great Mall-punk for the masses! Vocals pulled the enterprise poppy enough for some where to look for love. I just don’t know melodies and pull you in with that Moog way forward, drums are lost, super-sim- warm pogoing and beer spitting, origi- how.” Truly saddening. “End of the sound that, if used properly, can make a ple riffs, super forgettable band. nal enough so the shackles of the past Road” is the perfect song for the end of person giddy. Better than Ozma and in –Megan (Cheapskate) are broken, barbed enough keep it from the love affair and epic battle between the same league with Weezer. being wimpy, and gritty enough to Bruce Wayne/Batman and Vicki –Donofthedead (Epitaph) OF DEATH: Build a Bridge believe it’s heart felt. High praise. Vale/Catwoman. “Save the Best for and Get Over It: CD –Todd (Mortville) Last” is obviously not referring to that MOTORAMA: I thought clubbing seals was all in good horrid piece of trash that was Batman No Bass Fidelity: CD fun until I had to hear it recorded over ME FIRST AND THE and Robin, but for the characters they White Stripes with drum machine, chick lame art-core tracks. God lord, what GIMME GIMMES: saved for that movie – Poison Ivy in singer, an extra guitarist, and way too made them think this was okay? Take a Break: CD particular. Speaking of Ivy, you can’t many no wave records in their collec- –Megan (Alone) There are good covers and bad ones. get a more “Natural Woman” than her, tion. –Jimmy Alvarado The latest Misfits project is a bad one. so you know why that song’s on there. (www.vidalocarecords.com) OIL!: Red, White & Boots + This one is always a good one. First off, Am I right or am I right? Get Take a Bills to Pay b/w Spike, from the Swingin’ Utters, is a Break, sing along, and see if you get MOUSEROCKET: Pullin’ on the Boots: 7” good singer. The rest of the band are “Vicki Vale/Vicki Vale/Ooh yeah, ooh Missing Teeth: 7” There are exactly two things that contin- accomplished players with a resume that yeah/I wanna bust that body” stuck in Fronted by Alicja Trout of The Lost uously propel America to the head of the is among the more popular bands of your head, too. –Megan (Fat) Sounds, this project is more straight for- pack on this mongrel burg we call Earth: today. I guess it helps to have a couple ward, marginally garagey, and, dare I Number one is our nation’s unwavering of Lagwagons, a NOFX and a Foo ME INFECTO: say, pretty. For the most part, it’s liquid dedication to quality footwear in the Fighter to back your shit up. As before, World We Digest: CD and laid back – with a few spasms – but workplace; Number two is our national the band chooses a theme and runs with Black Sabbath changes their name and what the hell, I like it. I can’t provide obsession with, and our renowned profi- it. This one is the R&B/Soul session. vies for emo stardom. –Jimmy Alvarado you with many helpful signposts, except ciency at, the game of soccer. Oil! cele- Here is a list of songs given the (www.meinfecto.com) the fact they cover “Alone Again Or,” brates both crucial facets of our national MF&GG’s treatment: Whitney Houston which I know from the Damned, and it’s character most magnificently, and who – “Where Do Broken Hearts Go”; MEANS, THE: softer around the edges, but simultane- shall say them nay?! Stand tall, Lionel Ritchie – “Hello”; Boys II Men – Community Horse: CD ously more desperate, which is quite a America! Oil! has got your back during “End of the Road”; Bill Withers – Time was, late ‘80s/early ‘90s, noisy difficult thing to accomplish if you think the penalty kicks! BEST SONG: “Bills “Ain’t No Sunshine”; The rock like this was all around, on labels about it. –Todd (Wrecked ‘Em) to Pay” BEST SONG TITLE: “Red, Family/Sinead O’Connor – “Nothing like Matador, Amphetamine Reptile and White & Boots” FANTASTIC AMAZ- Compares 2 U”; Seal – “Crazy”; Stevie Subpop, and I ate it up. I probably MURDER WEAPON: ING TRIVIA FACT: This record would Wonder – “Isn’t She Lovely”; R. Kelly bought more new records then than at Nervous Wreck: CD have been better if all three songs were – “I Believe I Can Fly”; Chi-Lites – “Oh any time before or since. I’m talking Fuck heavy metal, no matter how fast called “KILL DAVID FUCKING Girl”; Jackson 5 – “I’ll Be There”; Ray about stuff like God Bullies and King it’s played. –Jimmy Alvarado (Martyr) BECKHAM RIGHT NOW” –Rev. Evans and Jay Livingston written – Snake Roost, and Railroad Jerk and Nørb (Noma Beach) “Mona Lisa”; Vanessa Williams – “Save Monster Magnet and even Nirvana, the NADA, EL: the Best for Last”; Aretha Franklin – latter three before they figured out what Nothing for Nobody: CD ONE CAR PILE-UP: Worst “Natural Woman.” This is some stuff they were doing and reduced it to a for- OC hardcore from a band that sounds Episode Ever: CD you can pass off to your naive parents or mula that just never rocked proper like a slowed-down, simplistic Dr. My mood swings swing wider than a that co-worker who is so clueless about again. This is the Means second record Know. –Jimmy Alvarado (Finger) home run hitter in baseball. This issue, music that they think you are friends (I never heard the first), and they’ve got I’m not that into pop punk. I guess I have a little bit of pent up anger. Maybe, tent, if not particularly interesting hard- guy named Mark from the Netherlands. album. Hmmm… I always did like their I’m just a big asshole who should give core unit. At 45, they got amazingly bet- The first song is decent; not a bad listen groovy drum beats and slightly dance- up music. But I do sometimes see the ter, tighter and the singer sounded like a at all. By the time I got halfway through able tunes, and a lot of it sounds like the light at the end of the tunnel. One thing psychopath sucking on helium. Is this a the album, I realized that it’s quite pos- latest Fugazi record. This is the record for sure, American pop punk is flooded good review? If you consider someone sible that they only recorded one bass that is gonna make all the emo kids with cookie cutter, paint-by-the-num- saying your record sounds better at the and drum track and just play each song cream in their jeans. I don’t really know bers bands. Something I find interesting wrong speed, then yes, this is a good on guitar over it. It’s repetitive, yup what else to say. This review is really as is if a band is not from the USA, I seem review. –Jimmy Alvarado (Havoc) repetitive. I say repetitive. Hey! Hey! bad as the effect this record is having on a little more interested. I have come to Hey! –Megan (Mad Butcher) me. –Sarah (Dischord) really appreciate a release by Crackle. PELICAN: Self-titled: CDEP They seem to put out pop punk that is Righteous one-riff stoner metal, like POST STARDOM RANCID VAT: not only energetic, but raw at the same Sleep with no singing and an extra fin- DEPRESSION: Crybaby b/w Strychnine: 7” time. There have been very few releases ger for the little guitar strings. Ordinary Miracles: CD Pretty good punk rock that’s endearing- that I have not liked. What caught my Occasionally gets a little too precious Bands like this make me feel like the ly sloppy in a Rip Offs kinda way, but attention of this release was that this and abandons the glorious monotony owl on those old Tootsie Pop ads. How heavier and more rock. What else would band took matters in their own hands. that really makes the form, but with no many tracks ‘til it goes in the trade-in you expect from Phil Irwin (AKA Thee They worked hard and long to save and guitar solos per se they’re still way pile? Ah one, ah two, ah didn’t make it Whiskey Rebel) and his wife? build a home studio because they never ahead of the pack. And “Pelican”? That that far. –Megan (The Control Group) “Crybaby” is quite catchy for a band liked the results of their recordings ain’t no metal bird. Perfect. –Cuss often lumped in with the Confederacy of when they contracted a third party to Baxter (Hydra Head) PROTAGONIST: Scum bands, but bands really shouldn’t record them. I have been there before. I Hope and Rage: CD insist on performing Sonics covers don’t know how hard it is to build your PHOENIX FOUNDATION, NOTE TO ALL WOULD-BE “HARD- unless their lead singer wears vinyl own studio. I have been fortunate THE: These Days: CD CORE PUNK” BANDS: If you’re writ- suits. –Not Josh (Casual) enough to have friends and relatives First off, this record label is called ing songs that are longer than two min- lately who have the gear and the know- Newest Industry, which is a Hüsker Dü utes, you’re doin’ something wrong. RESISTOLEROS, THE: how. But one thing I do know is it’s not song. The Newest Industry logo is a Shitcan the set and start over. And, for Rock ‘n’ Roll Napalm: CD cheap! Now in their own hands, they spoof of the Hüsker Dü logo. So who the love of Pete, don’t release a disc Fang’s Sammytown recruits a new band spend four long years recording a new does the Phoenix Foundation sound chock full of songs that clear four-plus and goes the punk’n’roll route. Aside album’s worth of material and re- like? Gee, I wonder. The songs aren’t as minutes. It’s almost as offensive as from the fact that there’s nothing here as recording songs they were not satisfied good or nearly as diverse, but the basic seein’ your gramma in an “Assmaster” classic as “The Money Will Roll Right with in the past. The result is quite ingredients are there. The songs don’t video. –Jimmy Alvarado (Blackout) In,” not to mention that there are literal- impressive. The songs have a strong sound tired or boring at all even though ly thousands of bands out there that Propagandhi meets Consumed sound they all go at about the same tempo, but PUBES: Wow, Baby! sound just like this, this ain’t a bad and structure. The production is solid for the most part, they’re another band Let’s Go Wheelin’!: CD effort. –Jimmy Alvarado (Steel Cage) but not overproduced. Patience was that is right on the edge of being great. I Never, ever thought I’d run into a band their friend because I have no com- have the same problem with Gunmoll: that reminded me of both Love Canal RETURNERS, THE: The plaints about the mix. The guitars are up some of their songs are spot on, but they and “Get Out of My Yard”-era Wasted Wag b/w Motorheartbeat: 7” front but not overpowering. The bass never quite explode all over the place. Youth, but that’s exactly what came to The A-side sounds like the Weirdos after and drum sound is solid. The vocals are Hopefully, this isn’t the last we’ll hear mind while this was playin’. –Jimmy suffering blunt force trauma to the head in the right place and everything sounds from this band. –Not Josh Alvarado (www.roadhousetunes.com) and waking up convinced they were A. individual and at the same time togeth- (Newest Industry) Supercharger and B. German; the flip er. Their first attempt at self-recording is PUTRID FLOWERS, THE: sounds like one of those songs off The impressive. I’m looking forward to PLAN A PROJECT: ...And For The Little Armitage Shanks Sing and Play Twenty hearing more. This is their best effort to Self-titled: CD Children, Sing: CD Punk Hits of the Seventies that you date. –Donofthedead (Crackle) Twelve songs of very fast, upbeat, Just so you know, the Putrid Flowers are never heard before and turned out to be punky Op Ivy type of music with lots of an UNSIGNED BAND. They tell you a cover by the Users or the Killjoys or OPERATION MAKEOUT: singalong gang vocals included and this both in the liner notes and on the the Kusers or the Illjoys or someone like Hang Loose: CD intelligent lyrics. Even some talk of CD itself. So they are unsigned, okay? that (but is, in fact, another original). Fun time punk from the Great White unity is included in some of their lyrics. It’s kinda strange that they are unsigned, High praise aside, i have a bit of a prob- North – a three piece, featuring two Okay, these guys are a lot like Op Ivy since they seem to imply that Fat Mike lem with “The Wag,” as one of my all- lovely ladies and one fine gentleman – (they even cover ‘‘She’s a Bombshell” said that they were the best band he has time favorite genres of music is moron- singing fun, enjoyable, borderline pop as a hidden track), but they are no ripoff. ever heard. Dunno. Also strange that ic three-chord rock’n’roll that ushers in punk songs. They remind me a bit of They are inspired, if you will. If this they are unsigned because they are pret- A NEW FANTASTIC AMAZING ERA Sleater-Kinney, musically, if Sleater- kind of music is your thing, I would def- ty good. I mean, pretty good. Not super of wacky dancing (The Twist, The Kinney would have stuck with the more initely recommend this record. –Mike awesome, but if I saw them live and Hucklebuck, The Uganda – hell, i can fast paced punk rock of their first Beer (Go Kart) they seemed pretty cool, I would buy do ‘em all at once!), yet i am COM- album. Operation Makeout has lots of this. Likewise, the lyrics aren’t anything PLETELY AND UTTERLY bereft of breakdowns that remind me of Wire. PLANET SMASHERS: I will be quoting any time soon, but if I any idea how to do The Wag. I mean, Vocalists Jesse (bass) and Katie (guitar) Mighty: CD heard someone reading them at an open one would assume it involves some have such different voices that they EEK! EGADS!!!! HOW DID THIS mic poetry reading, I would tell the manner of “wagging” – or, at bare min- work so well together. Scratchy-voiced SKA CRAP END UP IN MY reader that I liked them. Musically, it’s imum, “waggling” – yet, the dance i Jesse, couples with smooth sounding HOUSE?!? QUICK, OPEN THE WIN- pretty straight ahead rock for rock’s spontaneously flung myself into Katie, and it’s really nice how they DOW!!!!! CHUCK THE FUCKER sake. They could play a punk show and body’n’soul within seconds of this switch lead from song to song. We even OUT BEFORE IT KILLS OFF THE get a pit, but also not scare the normals record hitting my turntable was conspic- get vocals thrown in by the fine drum- GOLDFISH!!!!! –Jimmy Alvarado away. One thing I will say, is that they uous by the complete absence of either mer, Anna. The album, overall, is terri- (www.stomprecords.com) have that “thing,” where you can tell wagging OR waggling (hmm... perhaps bly enjoyable and fun, with lyrics that that they care about their music more this is a dance best performed sans pan- are poetic and even arty, yet touchable POLYSICS: Neu: CD than that it’s cool to be in a band. At taloons?). How MY personal interpre- (as in I can relate man.. I can!). The The American release of Polysics’ sec- least I think so, but the music seems to tive interpretation of The Wag goes is most standout tracks are “Current ond album, originally released three have a passion underlying it. I wonder if like this: 1) Kinda stand there and twist Events,” “Lost, Unwanted… But Still years ago and only now being domesti- this will still be the case if they ever over to the left, in sort of a demi-contra- Nice,” and the oh, so cute “Contents.” cally released thanks to the kindness and become a signed band. I also wonder if posto posture (yes, that’s right, i said There is also a sweet hidden track remix diligence of Asian Man, and oh what a they will make as big a deal about being “demi-contraposto!” I’d tell you to look of “You and Me Geometry,” by schizo- record it is. The Devo influence is still signed as they do about being unsigned. it up, but it’s not in the dictionary) (at samplehungry-electro-noise monger firmly in place, but the tunes seem less –Rich Mackin (Putrid Flowers) present) 2) Raise left arm up, as if flex- Secret Mommy (aka Andy from the Red melodic and infused with more intensi- ing muscle to impress chicas 3) Raise Light Sting). Operation Makeout give ty, making them just plain rock out PW LONG: Remembered: CD right arm up in opposite position – that me high hopes for the future of punk harder than their previous long player, A label that once put out some mighty is to say, with the forearm pointing rock. Thank you very much, Canada. Hey Bob! My Friend. More succinctly, crucial punk, hardcore, and just plain downward. However, keep your right –Sarah (Mint) this is the equivalent of having Boojie weird tuneage is now apparently home fist pointed away from your body, kind Boy rape your eardrum with an old to bad Southern rock. My, how things of like Bowser from Sha Na Na would PARADISE ISLAND: Casio keyboard. Hunt down either of change with time. –Jimmy Alvarado do 4) As the beat goes “BUP-BUP! Lines Are Infinitely Fine: CD album, play it loud and play it often, (Touch and Go) BUP! BUP-BUP! BUP!”, jerkily jab left Arty, mellow, boring. –Jimmy Alvarado ‘cause Polysics rule. –Jimmy Alvarado fist up and back with each beat, as if to (Dim Mak) (Asian Man) Q & NOT U: repeatedly punch a small, invisible otter Different Damage: CD off of the top of your head, whilst simul- PATH OF DESTRUCTION: POSSIBLE SUSPECT: So I thought their last record, No Kill No taneously punching your right fist out 1:00 AM: 7” Sick of Your Dependency: CD Beep Beep, was pretty good. This one and up behind you, as if to repeatedly I tried this puppy out on two different You’d almost swear that Chi Pig of isn’t as good. And they have also smack an invisible potential sodomist in speeds. At 33 1/3, they were a compe- SNFU is singing here, but instead it’s a dumped a member of the band since that the nutsack. 5) On chord changes, twist in the other direction, and reverse the sung, actually sound fun. If they started entire set can pass by without the band SHOCKER, THE: position of your arms relative to each a gang, you’d join in a split second. ever finding some virgin cubic mil- Up Your Ass Tray: CDEP other. 6) Iterate the operation at the Pile on the too easy to be easy instru- limeter of your brain that hasn’t yet Former L7 member, Jennifer Finch, dance down 14th Street, ya hear?! mental velocity of the Candy been trampled by rock ‘n’ roll – some groups up some people and creates a Should these instructions prove faulty Snatchers. Like chicken grease, tiny cluster of heretofore unused new band. It’s very much in the same after inspection, all i have to say in my squeeze all the bravado, sleaze, and synapses, ripe for the pickin’ – and jab- vein of L7 and musically has elements defense is that (ahem) i’m into punk sneer of The Humpers’ prime form on bing their own little pushpin in there, of punk and Joan Jett. I remember rock, and i throw like a Wag. Thanks, top. Add two scoops of that covert pop marking their turf forever and ever, or young Jennifer and L7 opening up for i’ll be here all week. BEST SONG: element cloaked in hard-beaten, hard- until you forget. I just never feel like a my punk band that was headlined by St. “The Wag! “The Wag! Thuhhhhh won punk, like the Black Halos. Then, lot of the bands establish much of an Vitus in a shitty Hollywood club on a WAAAAAAAGGGGGG!!!” BEST somehow, make it fucking catchy, identity above and beyond the identity Wednesday or Thursday night. They SONG TITLE: “Motorheartbeat” FAN- claim it like it’s never been done they’ve established merely as a precon- played a rocking set for a band that was TASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: before, let it buck you home, then it dition to their existing; like, once the new. We went through our set. It had The band thanks “slime” on their thank bake in the Texas sun and have Tim initial sonic character of the music is songs, at the time, that were almost ten you list! –Rev. Nørb (Swindlebra) Kerr produce it. Something to Crow there, everything else could just be years old mixed with current ones. About has so much energy, I swear plotted out by some manner of punk They were right out front and rocked REVILLOS: lightning bolts are going to sizzle out of rock algorithm. Of course, i freely out to our set. We had a singer people Jungle of Eyes: CD the speakers and light my carpet on admit that there may well be things in hated, so it was great seeing people A long-lost album from this revered fire. This is in serious running for a top the music that i’m not picking up on, enjoy what we were doing. We made no group finally sees the light of day. ten of 2003 for me. –Todd (Gearhead) but i’m gonna give myself the benefit money that night. But I do remember While the songs themselves aren’t all of the doubt and write that off as idle L7 enjoying our music. On this disc, I that bad, the overall feel of the album, ROCKETS RED GLARE: speculation right now. That said, about drew close to the cover song. The band sorta like Bananarama plundering Moonlight Desires: CD two-twelfths of this record is genius – covers the Juice Newton (Fuck you, through the same Stax of soul 45s that You know the difference between emo and, of course, those twelfths would Dale. It’s not Kim Carnes!) hit “Angel the Jam did to write “Town Called bands and toilet paper? Eventually you also be the two stupidest songs, of the Morning.” It takes a certain voice Malice,” is just a little too ‘80s to be run out of toilet paper. –Jimmy “Deadly Potion” and “Dirt.” The other to carry that song and the band backs it comfortable. Still, “Bitten by a Love Alvarado (Blue Skies Turn Black) ten-twelfths blaze along in a quite up. Other songs that I dug were Bug” should’ve been a massive inter- pleasant punk rock fireball, with the “Smoke Rings,” “Break in Two,” national hit two decades ago. –Jimmy ROY: Tacomatose: CDEP blaring guitar assault upon my “Your Problem Now,” and “Bad Brain Alvarado (Captain Oi) This song reminds me of sixth grade eardrums feeling as nice as the hot Good Head.” Rocking punk’n’roll that when I listened to They Might Be water in the shower does when i’ve should be burning though the club REVOLVERS/DUANE Giants all the time. Not fond, campy finally coaxed myself out of bed in the scene soon after their stint on the PETERS AND THE memories, but how my mom would morning. However, sorta like the show- Warped Tour. –Donofthedead HUNNS: Split: CD make me turn it off because it was so er, the feeling only lasts ‘til the towel. (Little Pusher) Hunns: I’ve never been a fan, but I fucking annoying. Imagine a whole Rocks hard, but debatably non-essen- picked this up primarily to give ‘em album of “Birdhouse in Your Soul” tial. BEST SONG: I already told you SHOCKS, THE: More Cuts another chance. As with other releases complete with grating vocals. –Megan this, it’s either “Dirt” or “Deadly for You in Zero 2: CD I’ve heard both by the Hunns and US (Initial) Potion.” Now, since you made me A German punk rock band up to its Bombs, I don’t find the tunes here par- repeat myself, i will tell you the BEST eyeballs in Killed By Death worship. ticularly awful or anything, but I also RUDE PRAVO: LYRIC: “I grab my giant noodle/piss- Features that twangy, non-distorted don’t find them especially inspiring, Non Mi Pento: CD ing on the whole kaboodle” BEST guitar sound that gets the trash- either. To me, they sound like a bunch The cover of Non Mi Pento has a car- SONG TITLE: Well, “Smash It Up,” punkers’ trousers all sticky. –Jimmy of old dudes going through the motions toon of them all causing some mischief. “Dirt,” “I Don’t Like You” and “Yeah Alvarado (Dirty Faces) in an attempt to recapture their glori- The thing that got me was that it looked Yeah” are all pretty good... too bad ously misspent youth rather than a band like they were some bastard super they’re already taken. I guess i vote for SICKIDS: rooted in the now and desperate to group made up of Moby, someone “Bad Girl Attraction,” contingent on it Now and Then: CD make their mark, and that just don’t cut who’s a cross between Mike Watt and being some sort of pun on “Bad Guy A now and then overview (hence the the mustard. Revolvers: Mid-tempo, Shawn Stern, Rosie O’Donnell, a cross Reaction.” FANTASTIC AMAZING title) of an ‘80s band from Philly that power-poppy punk along the lines of between John Lennon and Joey TRIVIA FACT: Guitar player Andi have apparently decided to give it Cocksparrer and the like. No big Ramone, and a long-lost Blues Brother. Scum was (is?) in the Returners. The another go two decades later. Tempos whoop, but they don’t exactly suck, It’s really pretty good, though. I hear Wag!!! The Wag!!! THHHHEEEE here range from mid-speed to sludgy either. –Jimmy Alvarado (Dirty Faces) lots of Business and some Stiff Little WAAGGGGGGGG!!! –Rev. Nørb and there’s a HEAVY Cramps influ- Fingers in there. They’re Italian and (Swindlebra) ence throughout. –Jimmy Alvarado RISE AGAINST: sing in Italian, which brings me to a (Steel Cage) Revolutions Per Minute: CD realization I had when I was listening SHEMPS, THE/ I’ve been wrestling with this disc for to this. I’ve given this quite a few lis- TO HELL AND BACK: SIGNAL TO TRUST: several weeks now because – while I tens, but this would probably never Split 7” Folklore: CD like the politics and sentiments make it into my heavy rotation. With The Shemps: Like a fawn getting its This band is from Minnesota and fea- expressed in these songs – the music music as catchy as theirs and lyrics legs, stumbling out of the placental sac, tures x-members of The Misfires, sounds like stereotypical run-of-the- encouraging sing-alongs, I want to do and then learning how to wield a chain- Sicbay and The Hidden Chord. First mill Fat. It’s true that in recent years, just that – sing along. With my Italian saw, The Shemps started out in the things first. I adore the sleeve art. It’s Fat has substantially diversified, but limited to, “Oh il mio dio, io l’embar- world as mild mannered and have very poppish and looks like something assholes like me remember that long rased un pesce.” I don’t see it happen- quickly evolved into a ripping unit. Jet Set would be releasing instead. It’s stretch in the ‘90s when everything ing any time soon. So, when I get the Parts pop, parts life of the party, part got a bizarre ‘60s feel to it with bright sounded like NOFX and, unfortunately, urge to hear something that they could solid rock’n’roll mystery, I’d put them colors and deer versus wolves, but this music supporting these lyrics isn’t definitely do, I won’t reach for them, in league with The Stupor Stars. fuck, man, the inner artwork is this that different. With that said, this album but a band I can actually sing with as I Nothing’s missing, and Artie’s vocal mess of grids with the lyrics scrawled won’t be going into my sell pile soon. bounce around and piss off my down- snot ratchets the proceedings up a cou- over them. It makes me dizzy. That is –Puckett (Fat) stairs neighbors. People who aren’t as ple notches. Plus, if you put “Suzie not good. Musically, it’s just like the afflicted as I should pick this up. Werner played guitar on this recording, Faraquet (R.I.P.) b-sides or something. RIVERBOAT GAMBLERS, –Megan (KOB) got arrested on tour, and quit the band a Tight, tasty and enjoyable, but listening THE: Something to month later as a condition of her parole. to it makes me want to listen to Crow About: CD SCUMBAG ROADS: Good luck Suzie!” in your liner notes, Faraquet and not Signal To Trust. Big These last two months, crawling Bad Girl Attraction: 10” you know you’re dealing with a band whammy. –Sarah (Modern Radio) though the endless amount of music ...one of the things that i find wholly that tests the edge of the blade. To Hell that gets sent us, it’s a rare CD from an unsatisfying regarding the majority of and Back: With ex-members of Devoid SILK FLOWERS: unknown band that gets instantly glued European punk rock (especially the of Faith and John Brown’s Army, I was Not Worth Mentioning: 7” to my home and truck stereos. By sheer stuff that might be seen as having expecting more, uhhh, hardcore than a Sort of like how members of Hot Water hours amassed listening along, the descended in some way, shape or form slowed down Zeke. I fall on the side of Music let their country music influence Riverboat Gamblers have called my from the Ramones, regardless of how the pyramid that got their ass kicked shine through as Rumbleseat, members bluff and plunked down a royal, colos- nth-generation the bloodlines run) is while heavy metal got played on of the Starvations are moonlighting as sal sonic buffet that’ll get you fucked that once The Punk Rock has made its swung-open monster truck stereos in Silk Flowers. Some of the same ingre- upper than hell. They’re so good, I’m initial mutation – has staked out its the parking lot in high school and those dients are there: the wailing vocals, the going to sound like an asshole trying to defining deviance from the norm, or scars still haven’t healed, no matter lyrics full of despair, and the fact the explain them, but here goes. First off, what have you – it very rarely mutates how progressive. I’ve just recently songs aren’t grossly exaggerated cari- all cliches are wiped away like insect further. Once a band sounds like what it embraced Motorhead and AC/DC as catures. The music, however, is a dif- guts off a windshield. Serve up all the sounds like, it sounds like that forever, part of my rehabilitative therapy, but ferent story. The Gun Club/Birthday best New Bomb Turks songs onto one or until they “progress,” which is dif- this it too much of a step. Sorry. Go Party influence has been filtered out, album. Hyper-velocity, swaggering ferent from mutation. Bands will be Shemps! –Todd (Gloom) leaving a bare-boned, acoustic country vocals where all the words are actually FAST and LOUD and PUNK, yet an sound that is no less haunting than the awaiting my next fix, preferably a full- er… to make five songs. So why does Detour Signs,” a Dave Dudley song off music of the Starvations. Fantastic. length. –Jimmy Alvarado (Rapid Pulse) this sound like such a shitty rip-off of of the Truck Drivin’ Son of a Gun LP –Not Josh (Postneo Music, no address) Sunday’s Best? Fuck Solea. If any of and shows that the South Filthy can SLICK SHOES: this sounds remotely interesting, check switch gears without losing any speed. SIXTH CHAMBER, THE: Far from Nowhere: CD out The Jealous Sound. –Puckett It’s got a nice “when the CB was king,” Molded Truths: CD The way the punk music scene is today, (3 Mileage) convoy feel. Not terribly far off the orig- The only progeny I know to have sprung it’s fragmented in sub-scenes that don’t inal, but it retains a faithful, beaten from the Christian Death camp (Sevan interrelate. I remember back in my glory SOLGER: Codex 1980: CD leather feel its own. Nice change of Kand is the son of later members Gitane days, I would meet new friends at every The only document you’re likely to hear pace. –Todd (Wrecked ‘Em) Demone and Valor Kand) teams up with show. I go to shows now and I’m just of Seattle’s first true hardcore band, Urinals/100 Flowers member Kjel the non-fashionable old guy. Over this who existed for a mere six months in SOVIETTES, THE/ Johansen, and Rahne Pistor, who may or rant, I say that I will probably never 1980, played six shows, recorded an THE HAVENOT’S: Split 7” may not be the guy who was in one of really cross paths with this band. They ultra-rare, ultra-lo-fi 7-inch master- Yes, the Soviettes are on the cover. Yes, the more recent incarnations of the are already on the Warped tour and I see piece, summarily threw in the towel, there’s a long interview in this issue, Undead. The resulting music comes off MTV following behind. Just as there are and guitarist Paul went on to join the and man, I couldn’t be happier. Their as a weird hybrid of early death rock demographics in everything else, I see Fartz. Thanks to record collector inter- two offerings are as great as anything (before it became “goth” and subse- this band falling into the 14-18 demo- est in the aforementioned 7-inch, Empty that they’ve released. With the crazy quently lost all credibility) and no wave, graphic: aural cheesy pleasure disguised has released this retrospective. powerful and assured triple vocals on making for interesting tuneage, indeed. as rebellion for the younger set. Color in Collected here are remixes of the tracks “30 Min or Less,” how every instrument Much respect to these guys for opting to the numbers punk rock to some fame from the EP, six live cuts, and original not only locks into another, but propels stand out from the rest of the pack. and fortune. This is a band that can lure mixes – straight from the vinyl – in all the entire mission, I think, “So, this is –Jimmy Alvarado (Novokkane Noise) the youth into the darker, serious side of their miserable sounding glory to what the Go Go’s would have sounded punk. Because there is always the small appease purists. A must-have for any with a dude drummer if Our Lips Are SKALINERS, THE: few who want more rebellion and more northwest music historians, not to men- Sealed didn’t get such a thoroughly Belly Dance: CD thought for their entertainment. Those tion those who like their music loud, poppy mix. Rad.” Quite possibly one of Ska band from Germany that is good people will crossover and continue the raw and totally fucked up. –Jimmy the world’s funnest riots on wax. musically, but the singer’s tone rubs me more underground movement of the Alvarado (Empty) Confetti and defiance. The Havenot’s: like red fire ants between my toes. punk scene. So, I believe both sides They’d be perfect on a bill with Water Maybe if they sang in German instead have a purpose. But being on the darker SOUTH FILTHY: Closet or The Urchin. They’ve got that of English it would be better to these side, this music sounds so homogenized Soul of a Man: 7” mid-paced, “They’re Japanese. Are they ears. –Donofthedead (Mad Butcher) that I feel lactose intolerant and I feel a I’m not quite sure what it is, but the last speaking English? Yes. They’re really wet shit coming down the tubes. couple of years, when I feel completely saying ‘the Boys are back to street’” SLEAZIES, THE: –Donofthedead (Side One Dummy) depleted, I’ve been going to roots that thing down. It’s crunchy and Japanese- Gonna Operate on Myself: 7” I’ve never listened to before. Johnny clean, but their proficiency doesn’t Gotta hand it to Rapid Pulse, they sure SLOW SLUSHY BOYS, LES: Cash, Otis Redding, and, recently, overshadow some cool songwriting know how to pick ‘em. Snuck a peek at Slush Puppy: 7” Leadbelly. South Filthy take on a Blind flourishes and finger snapping dynam- the lyric sheet before putting this on the A couple of instrumentals heavy on ‘60s Willie Johnson song, the title track, and ics that wouldn’t leave fans of the turntable and cringed at the silliness of kitsch. Both songs on this would’ve I’m not going to lie to you. I know dick- Replacements cold. Good job, great the lyrics. Soon as the needle hit the been big hits with Cissy and her friends all about Mr. Johnson, but I sure like split. –Todd (Nice and Neat) groove, however, all my fears regarding had Family Affair been a reality show. South Filthy’s interpretation of his song. what I was about to endure dissipated. –Jimmy Alvarado (Butterfly) It’s slow blood pumping, weight of the SPECTORS, THE: Both tracks here are sweet sounding world in your exhale, steadfast stuff that Beat Is Murder: CD punk with more than just a nod toward SOLEA: Even Stranger: CDEP I can appreciate when I want something A retrospective of a neo-’60s punk band the band’s ‘70s predecessors, particular- Ex-members of … Knapsack … Texas slow without being light and sleepy. The that apparently hailed from Minnesota. ly the Gears. Okay, I’m hooked and Is The Reason … and Samiam … gath- B-side, “Speed Traps, Weigh Stations & They were more varied in sound (dab- bling in mod, pop and psych in addition space, Strike Anywhere’s a great choice. actual line. Dr. Seuss appears again later ing a dead elephant delicately set on top to the requisite Kinks and/or Nuggets They’re far from being a duplicate, but to steal the singer’s wallet in another of you; no sharp edges, no blunt trauma, worship) than many of the oodles of that massive creative spark – like if 7 song. –Rich Mackin (Thorp) just encompassing suffocation and others that wallow in the same musical Seconds charged out of the gate today slowly crushing mass. It’s all about the ghetto. Most importantly, they were instead of twenty years ago – is still TABULA RASA: mass. No, it’s also about sparseness, like danged good at what they did. –Jimmy alive and well. Punk’s not dangerous? The Role of Smith: CD massive sparseness. Simple drones and Alvarado (Get Hip) They were refused admission into Japan A little too college radio, indie and emo sounds that are so distorted you don’t and were held in house arrest, until they to my liking. –Donofthedead (A-F) know what the original sounds were. SPONGE: For All the Drugs were admitted to fly to Australia. –Todd This guy, Ben Carr (he’s in 5ive), he in the World: CD (Jade Tree) TAXI: Like a Dog: CD knows what the fuck to do with solitude I would laugh at the cover for this Although I haven’t the first clue where and a tape recorder. –Cuss Baxter almost every day for two weeks, so I felt STRUNG OUT: these guys hail from, this has a very (Odd Halo) it deserved a review. It’s an overhead Live in a Dive: CD early ‘80s LA-sounding punk rock feel looking, down shot of a sensitive-tatted- Over the years, Strung Out has become to it, much like the Hostage bands, but THESE ARMS ARE rocker with “punk” lettering. my least favorite band on the Fat roster. without the OC twang. Thankfully, I SNAKES: This Is Meant to Musically? I see Chris Cornell and So that should explain my excitement still have quite a bit of a soft spot for Hurt You: CD EP Creed as BIG influences here. Wee ha! level for this. Where’s the Subhumans that sound, lo these many years down An emo band that sounds a tad more –Megan (Idol) “Live in a Dive?” That’s a boner waiting the line, so this was a good listen to pissed the their bespectacled, agonizing- to happen. –Donofthedead (Fat) these ears. –Jimmy Alvarado ly wimpy brethren. I’d say they sucked, SPONTANEOUS DISGUST: (Dead Beat) but I’m afraid that they might get pissed 33: 7” STRUNG UP: Self-titled: 7” off at me, I would summarily be put on Not sure I can follow the wisdom of Hardcore punk in the early ‘80s style: TEAM EMU: Self-titled: 7” their “enemies” list, and I wouldn’t have putting 33 songs on a 7” in this post- fast and mean. Musically, I kinda like it. Straight punk that’s minimal in the same a hope in hell of ever getting any home- DRI age, nor of limiting its release to 33 It’s tight, well-played and interesting, sense as early Misfits and a lot of oi, made vegan cookies from them come copies, nor, especially, of sending ALL even if it lacks the nail-biting intensity four songs of that, and then one long the holiday season. –Jimmy Alvarado 33 COPIES out for review, but fuck it. I that one would expect from, say, Born instrumental jam that’s kind of moody (Jade Tree) guess they figure most review copies go Against (and yes, I know Born Against and less than necessary. The spareness almost immediately back on the free wasn’t an early ‘80s band, but they were of things mostly leaves me at a loss in THREATS: market (that is, the ones that don’t go pretty fucking intense). Lyrically, um, terms of what direction the band is Twelve Punk Moves: CD almost immediately in the trash), and let’s just say that this band doesn’t play aimed in, but some of the vocals suggest All new recordings from a band that sur- they’re right. Verdict’s still out on this metal and we should be thankful for poppy sensibilities. Also: blue vinyl, vived into the mid-’80s their first time one, though. I mean, it sounds like shit, whatever lyrics we get. I bet they rip apparently limited to 200 copies, bad around and have now reformed to give it like a one-armed butcher grinding his live and I’d like to hear more. –Not Josh handwriting, bad grammar (watch those another go. The cuts here, hip deep in way through a frozen moose with a (Blazing Guns) verb tenses!), and two Hoffmans. –Cuss the British “street punk” thang, are seized chainsaw, but I’ve got a soft spot Baxter (Ghostmeat) strong and full of energy, which makes for the inspired infantilism of bands like STUCK-UPS, THE: for some primo listening. Sockeye and SpontDis rolls in that ditch Last Chance b/w TEEN CTHULHU: Recommended. –Jimmy Alvarado with the masters. Try on the “Egg Out of Control: 7” Ride the Blade: LP (Dr. Strange) Pants,” take in the “Fuzzy Penetrator,” Ever wonder what mannequins sound Does Tipper Gore ever lie in bed at and bust out the “Hemoglobin Pileup.” like when they’re having sex? Or night wondering how many godawful TORA! TORA! TORRANCE!: Me, I’ll have a “Side of beef with a robots? Clinical but seriously pounding. death metal bands she inspired with her A Cynics Nightmare: CD bacon leg/hangin’ his boner on a Like clean pistons or furiously rubbing puritan antics? Teen Cthulhu is another My mind says this is a mixture of The mumbly peg.” –Cuss Baxter antiseptic surfaces. That’s pretty much in a long line of bands inspired less by Hives, At the Drive In and The Strokes. (Pestilential Treatment) what I thought of with “Last Chance.” real life experience than by an over- –Donofthedead (Militia Group) Storefront window dummies banging whelming desire to cater to childish (not SQUIRTGUN: like mad. “Out of Control” unleashes to mention churlish) I’ll-show-you,- TOYS THAT KILL/ Fade to Bright: CD the drum monster and guitar cheetah, Mom-and-Dad fantasies. If suicide, the FLESHIES: Split It really did nothing for me. No hair wilding up the proceeds with whirring, prevailing subject of the album, is THIS picture disk: 7” standing, no goose bumps and no chills dirty blades. Weird, but lovely and boring, joining the Mormon church Toys That Kill. What can I say? What down the spine. My excitement level is bruisey weird. The Screamers and the sounds like a keg party by comparison. band, with Control the Sun, their second comparable to tofu. –Donofthedead Go Go’s (live, not on record) fall –Eric Rife (Life is Abuse) LP, can get slower and stranger, but bet- (Honest Don’s) through a glass table, they get one ter? What band has the big, sweaty balls another’s limbs attached wrongly, and TELESCOPES: As Approved to double scoop their originality and still STEAM PIGS, THE: viola, that’s what I think these folks by the Committee: CD want to pile more on? I mean, it’s punk, Potshots: CD would sound like. Kinda. Sorta. Yes, I An absolutely stunning collection of but it’s like how the Minutemen and The Nice blurring of the lines between the like. –Todd ($3 ppd., Johnny Cat) tracks by an English band active in the Big Boys were punk: a reinterpretation classic Clay Records style of English early ‘90s, who disappeared for a num- of the original meaning, so it remains punk, street punk, and American hard- STYLEX: False Start: CD ber of years and are apparently out gig- vital and keeps the ears from getting core from a band outta Dublin. The This new wave keyboards new school ging again. Collected here are fourteen lazy without it being a complete what- tempo changes and million-chords-a- bullshit has already started to breed tracks culled from their out of print cat- the-fuck?-athon. The guys pull one out minute song structure keep things from what kills every great musical move- alog and seemingly sequenced into two of the vaults (looking at the date of getting stale and compliment the sar- ment. With that said, Stylex sounds like different eras of the band’s sound. The recording and all) from The Citizen casm-infused lyrics. The demo quality a band that wanted to incorporate that first seven are a maelstrom of noise and Abortion sessions, and it’s a smoker. of the recording slightly saps some of “new sound” of synthesizers! Sadly, garage punk, sorta like Iggy fronting “Angels with Dirty Contracts” starts the tunes’ power, but the obvious work Stylex are mixing indie rock, rap music, My Bloody Valentine while tripping on with a recorded fight, has synchronized put in by the band manages to shine dance music and punk rock – bringing mushrooms with Sonic Youth: brutal whistling, and all the stakes that cordon through. –Jimmy Alvarado me to the conclusion that they are very and abrasive, yet oddly melodic. The off their distinctive style. Fleshies: the ([email protected]) confused. Plus, they are lacking the remaining seven tracks turn the volume dirty underwear, microphone lariat anger that makes me like a few of the down a notch and rely more on experi- brigade continues with a mid-paced STRIKE ANYWHERE: new wave of bands. You will always get mentation and psychedelic pop sensibil- crooner, “My Buddy,” reminiscent of Exit English: CD great bands that can do this style of ities, not unlike Primal Scream with The Psychedelic Furs Talk, Talk, Talk, A minute step slower and more melodic music, but that only brings a hundred more balls. This is a band with music mixed with goat-throwing guitar sexy, than Change Is a Sound, Strike bands that are embarrassing to anyone that screams for wider recognition and, and balled up for enjoyment akin to the Anywhere once again proves that posi- that owns keyboards. –Wanda Spragg if you’re smart, you’ll pay serious atten- delayed and pleasant stupefaction of just tive, intelligent hardcore can be a pow- (Friction) tion to prevent them from fading back the right amount of cough medicine erful, challenging, and vital mission, not into obscurity. –Jimmy Alvarado (Bomp) mixed into vodka. The new chocolate just a closed track game where they’re SUGAR DADDIE: and peanut butter? Yes, sir, two tastes yelling to the converted chained to a Hell or High Water: CD THEORY OF ABSTRACT that go great together. –Todd wall. Still in check are Thomas’s snarl Anything with this much pirate imagery LIGHT, THE: Self-titled: CD (Geykido Comet) and polyp-busting screaming, the dou- can’t be all bad. Yet, I don’t suppose that Here’s what you might call a suite; nine ble Matt guitar attack, and Garth and these guys knew there was going to be a tracks that could stand each on their TRIGGERS, THE: Eric’s formidable bass and drum land- movie with the same name as their song, own, but wouldn’t have the same impact Self-titled: 7” scaping. The best news, however, is that “Pirates of the Caribbean,” when they that way. Now, if you cut out the rough- I am so happy to see girls who aren’t this album comes the closest to all of started recording. Musically, this is sort ly four minutes of acoustic guitar strum- afraid to rock just as hard (if not harder) their recorded output in capturing this of a grunge with Cookie Monster vocal ming, you’d have around forty-eight than most of the boys. The Triggers are blast furnace of a live band. You can thing. Lyrically it’s a weird sort of cock minutes of high-grade ambient noise, no exception. Punk rock with heavy almost feel the sweat start to bead on rock meets children’s rhymes, with an the kind of noise that gets generated by influence on both punk and rock. I your brow. If Kid Dynamite’s memory Andrew Dice Clay sort of twist. machines and recorded on hidden haven’t listened to a bad song from is like a pulled tooth and your tongue “Mother Goose just got an abortion recorders in public and is less like being these guys yet. keeps on going back to that empty from a man named Dr. Seuss,” is an in a motorcycle crash than it is like hav- –Megan (Johnny Cat) 99 TSOL: Divided We Stand: CD years later, you can hear the same like that ‘horse with no name’ song?” sub-scenes and sub-regions within the Assuming that everyone reading this has stylings now in young punk bands buttons with arrows get pushed. NOFX: County’s parameters alone, and when at least an inkling of who TSOL are, I’ll across the country. This is a recording Yes. “Whoops I OD’d” is a good song. I you add the going-on-25-year argument skip to the meat: Their “comeback” that deserves to be brought back from its already have it. I think of it as a com- over what is, in fact, “punk,” things get album, Disappear, was a good punk safe storage. I wish this was more of a panion piece to “Linoleum.” Both are very sticky, indeed. Enter this, a compi- album. Sure, it took a little getting used discography. I’m not sure if they had told from the perspective of the dead. lation of “fifteen bands from underneath to, primarily because of the band more recordings, but I’m sure they had Glenn’s Army: No. Imagine They Might the ruins of Southern California.” attached to it, but it was good and got more than just this. If you have followed Be Giants, but serious, without juice. Collected for your aural pleasure are better with repeated listens. It was not, my writing for any length of time, you It’s 50/50, not poo, but, still, no. Kevin one track each from The Rolling however, a good TSOL album. Some will know I have a big soft spot for early Seconds: No. It’s peppy enough, but he Blackouts, The Checkers, Neon King bands, whether they perceive it as bless- ‘80s punk. That was the period that I sounds like if the Indigo Girls had Kong, The Flash Express, The Orphans, ing or curse, you just expect more from. had the fondest memories from. Oh, to sausages, not rugs. Pipsqueak: Yes. The Alleged Gunman, Squab, Thee In the case of TSOL, their strength lay be young again. –Donofthedead Let’s get pissed off and throw furniture Make-Out Party, The Pinkz, The Fuse, in their experimentation within punk’s (Hungry Eye) in the fire to just watch it burn. Anxious Radio Vago, Miracle Chosuke, The rigid boundaries – their melding of folk I’m fine with. Billy Reese Peters: Lipstick Pickups, Fast Forward, and the “gothic” and “hardcore” sensibilities, UTAH!: Yes. They win best song title awards Starvations, all of which do what they the complex interplay between instru- Plays Well with Others: CD with “Boner City Limits.” It’s got a beat do, from ’60s-inspired trash rock to ments, a seeming fearlessness to chal- I was so happy with the first song. I like you can tip a beer back to. Grabass straight punk to Devo-damaged artpunk, lenge the listener to accept what they that people are getting more creative Charlestons: Hell yeah. Some people and they do it very well. The non-inclu- were doing on their terms rather than with instruments and creating new just have music flying out of their fin- sion of some personal favorites notwith- what was expected. That said, this IS a sounds. Utah uses cellos, claves, xylo- gertips. This proves that these guys standing (and, honestly, who can say good TSOL album. Starting off with a phones, and more. The first song still could beat rocks together and I’d still that they’re pleased as punch with the couple of decent, if pedestrian, punk retains a rawness and desperation and get excited. Jesse Michaels: No. lineup on ANY compilation ever rave-ups, the boys spend the remaining the cello gives it a resonance that makes Operation Ivy: excellent. Common released), there’s some really, really eleven tracks plundering a whole host of it feel that the pain is important. From Rider: ehhh. Jesse by himself – “con- good listening to be found here, and I styles and inspirations, tossing out then on it’s all downhill and goes into structed a lean-to dream”? Todd – can easily see it rightfully fetching huge knowing references to old English influ- what one would expect from the afore- “Shhh, be quiet, I’m braiding a belt. I sums of money on Ebay in a few years. ences (the bass line that starts out “Fuck mentioned instruments. So mellow I don’t want to mess up.” House On Fire: Does it serve as an exhaustive document You Tough Guy” is reminiscent of the think I’ll send it to my mom. –Megan Yes. All the fight and anger of Panthro of the myriad hues of punk to be found Damned’s “Neat Neat Neat;” the chorus (Bifocal Media) UK United 13 to a minimal voice and in Southern California? Not by a long of “See You Tomorrow” references the guitar. Distilled rage: “bring out your shot. Then again, when a comp rocks piano plink plink of the Buzzcocks’ VARIOUS ARTISTS: 10: CD dead who fill your head.” Fuck, Alex is this hard, who really gives a fuck? “Something Goes Wrong Again”), This is the tenth release (hence the good. My favorite track. Gunmoll: Yes. –Jimmy Alvarado (Revenge/ Star Maps) adding to some numbers acoustic gui- name) from Chicago’s Punkhead Burlap voice. Steely eyes. Tension. Fifth tars and keyboards (the latter supplied Records. Twenty-six bands from twelve Hour Hero: No. Although the lady has a VARIOUS ARTISTS: by Greg Kuehn, who did time in the states. There’s definitely some great very pretty voice, it cuts a little too close Liberation: Songs to band during the Beneath the Shadows stuff on there: Grabass Charlestons, to Suzanne Vega. Hex Country: No. Benefit PETA: CD years and later joined Jack in Cathedral This Bike Is A Pipebomb, the Bananas, Although I doubt if I’ve seen Hex For those not in the know, PETA = of Tears) in others, and varying tempos Against Me!, and the Carrie Nations are Country, I’ve seen their ilk, encouraging People for the Ethical Treatment of and styles enough to keep listeners in my tops. As far as comps go, it’s pret- me to take my beer to the far side of the Animals. But you probably knew that. I guessing from one song to the next. The ty awesome – not too many bad tracks at bar on many an open mic night and wish believe in supporting this bargain priced result leaves the impression that all. I’ll definitely be looking for more by I’d brought ear plugs. Bad Astronaut: comp because all proceeds are being Disappear was merely a warm-up for bands on here and from Punkhead in the No. I have a strange, life-long aversion donated to this organization. I may not the band, a chance to reacquaint them- future. Plus you can’t go wrong for to xylophone (or “vibes” if you know like a lot of the bands personally, but selves with form before they got down $3.50 (postage paid and with stickers the lingo) or anything that sounds like you and others should purchase copies to the serious business of being TSOL and a poster) The only thing that gets them. Ann Berretta: Yes, surprisingly. I to give to people who either need to be and coming up with this, their true me is on the included poster. They have haven’t liked anything by these guys introduced to punk rock or to pass comeback album. Given that this is a map of the US with all the states that since Bitter Tongues. Nice hooks. around information about PETA. But marked improvement on an already the bands come from highlighted. I look Lawrence Arms: No. The recording’s then again, you might like the bands too. solid foundation, and assuming they up in the upper right corner, expecting weird and hollow and sounds like it was I’m one not to pressure anyone in plan to continue on this trajectory, the to see that beautiful Vacationland state I done through a wall. The Arrivals: Yes. believing in what I believe. But I do next album should be a monster. Glad to call home, but no dice! They cut Maine So strong. Isaac’s voice is amazing, full support the free sharing of ideas. My have you back, guys. We missed you. right off the map! It got me so pissed I of simultaneous happiness and sorrow. wife and I do support PETA. The bands –Jimmy Alvarado (Nitro) had to listen to the Carrie Nations track This Bike Is A Pipebomb: No. Great featured are: Hot Water Music, Good three times in a row, quickly followed band. Great, previously released song. Riddance, Propagandhi, The Eyeliners, UNIT BREED, THE: by the Bananas before writing this. Cruddy recording. Average: .500. Much Anti-Flag and NOFX, to name a few. Walking the Death Watch: CD –Megan (Punkhead) better than most comps but not a “Woah, There are CD Rom features on the disk I can’t tell if they wanted the art or the fuck, dude, got to get it.” –Todd too, like the short video of a slaughter- music to get out more. The lyric sheet is VARIOUS ARTISTS: (1-2-3-4 Go!) house and messages from a couple of filled with paintings. The music is also Dirty Faces Volume One: CD the bands. For the price, you get a lot for super-arty and just as repetitive as the A label sampler that also serves as a sur- VARIOUS ARTISTS: your hard earned bucks. It’s also for a Dali rip-off paintings. The perfect way prisingly good international punk com- LA County Line: CD good cause. –Donofthedead to listen to this would be: easy chair, pilation. Although I personally could do A compilation of bands from LA’s (Fat Wreck Chords) feet up, cold beer, good book, volume without the few ska tunes on here, even underground, including Go Betty Go, off. –Megan (Suburban Justice) I find it damn hard to dislike that Calavera, Union 13, Teenage Rage, VARIOUS ARTISTS: No Hold includes tracks by Antidote, Daily Custom Made Scare, Speed Buggy, Back... All Attack!!!: 2XCD URBAN WASTE: Terror, Colera, Agrotoxico, Blind Pigs, Crash Logic and a ton of others. While Some of the best punk rock and hard- Self-titled: CD Calibre12, Public Toys, and a NEW not a bad compilation per se, as it fea- core is coming out of Minneapolis and Here is the long lost 1982 New York TRACK by the legendary Olho Seco. tures some mighty fine talent in its St. Paul these days, and this comp has classic on CD! As far as I know, this was Good stuff. Send ‘em money. –Jimmy ranks, there’s something lacking in the solely Twin Cities bands on it. There are originally released as a 7” on Mob Style Alvarado (Dirty Faces) overall presentation of the tunes. Maybe amazing songs by some great bands like Records in 1982 and re-released as a the track sequencing is off or something, American Monsters, Dillinger Four, 12” on Big City Records in 1987. I VARIOUS ARTISTS: but it just ain’t making me all giddy like Holding On, Rivethead, The Soviettes, know the whole record was also boot- Experiments in Audio I should be. –Jimmy Alvarado and Sweet Jap. A lot of the bands on legged on the Four New York 7”s comp. Rocketry: A Mostly (Split Seven) here will pleasantly surprise you, too. LP. Tracks of this recording were also Acoustic Compilation: CD The variety of sounds on this comp is on the Compilation Dedicated to Tim Yo The title tells you what you’re getting VARIOUS ARTISTS: impressive, covering everything from Mama and Killed by Hardcore, Vol. 1. into. Advisory warning: acoustic music, Let’s Get Rid of LA: CD emo to hardcore to street punk to rocka- I’m not sure if other tracks appeared or excluding Phil Ochs, the Kingston Trio Over the years, LA punk has seen many billy to pop punk to crust to a ton of are bootlegged elsewhere, but this is and a few others, makes me want to comps come along, many purporting to bands that fit in between genres. what I found in my collection. I think smash, smash, smash. I’m straight up be the definitive document of the city’s Listening to it will make you a believer my brother has an original copy still. I stealing Go Metric’s way of reviewing a so-called scene. While some have been, in the Twin Cities scene. This originally do remember hearing it back then on the comp. Averages. Eighteen tracks. Let’s to put it politely, utter sonic horseshit, came out on vinyl in a three record set. I local college radio punk show. This see how it fares. Against Me!: Yes. They others have been quite good and a select bought the records and listened to them exemplifies the start of the hardcore rev- light more fires with acoustic guitars few now reside in the “true classic” cat- a bunch of times, but after the first few olution. Punk became harsher and faster. than most bands can with electricity. egory. The dilemma, though, is that it’s listens, I found myself lifting the needle The lyrics reflect living under the They started out acoustic, and that’s an near impossible to effectively put a lot and plunking it down on the next Reagan administration. This style of unfair advantage, like a tank vs. Michael together a “definitive” compilation of song. Now that I have it on CD, I can punk was fresh and powerful. Twenty Dukakis. Justin Perkins: No. When I Los Angeles’ punk scene, mainly just hit the skip button. And that brings have to think, “Hippie? Does it sound because there are so many sub-genres, up my only knock on this album, which is that they could have cut nearly half of weird minimal lounge goofs the White Barbara Streisand and Green Arrow. for names are pretty cool. Most of ‘em. the bands out of it and had one of those Apes, and, holy of holies, Loincloth, ex- That guy’s life probably sucks enough –Cuss Baxter legendary comps that every record col- Breadwinner and current Confessor without some smartass like me making (Has Anyone Ever Told You?) lection must have. Here’s a good rule to members waving the banner of pure and fun of his band. This is like a less good use in the future: if the singer sings with true metal with no fruity singing nor version of the Humpers, with vocals WEAKERTHANS, THE: the microphone in his mouth, or if the showoff solos – it’s like freebase metal! that sometimes sound kinda like Rob Reconstruction Site: CD band name has a reference to a Truly something for everyone. –Cuss Halford. Sorry, dude. –Not Josh (Alive) People keep asking me if I like the Neitzsche book, don’t include their Baxter (Swami) Weakerthans. Now I have an answer – a song on your record. Still, there’s at VIBROLAS: definitive no. Mellow whine-rock. Oh least thirty good songs on these two VARIOUS ARTISTS: The Vista Bruiser: CDEP yeah, and if you mention Foucault, discs, and I recommend this comp like a Creatures Wanna Dance: LP Punk rock’n’roll, heavy on the rock, you’re an asshole. –Megan (Epitaph) motherfucker. –Sean (Havoc) I love the Ramones. The Cramps too. with a healthy dose of stoner rock And so does damn near every one of the thrown in for good measure. Included is WHAT THE KIDS WANT: VARIOUS ARTISTS: nine German, French, Danish and a song called “Bitchin’ Camaro” that, Inside Jokes Explained 7” Old Days Nostalgia: 3X CD Austrian bands that make up this nifty sadly, wasn’t a cover of the Dead What the fuck DO kids want these Three, count ‘em, THREE discs of comp. None of them are out-and-out Milkmen classic. –Jimmy Alvarado days? Records with whiny girl vocals some of the craziest, most extreme ripoffs, but the singer for the Brain (Vibrolas) and goofy bass lines? How the hell hardcore to come out in the last decade Eaters (to use just one example) has a would I know? I’m probably old enough or so. You get oodles and oodles of serious Lux jones, complete with hic- VINNY JACK AND to be the singer’s father. Gotta give ‘em tracks taken from the SOA records back cupping vocals. Same with the THE JABS: Self-titled: CDEP credit though. “Fast and Reckless” is a catalog, courtesy of Assuck, Society of Reeturners, who are none too subtle When I got the Blacklist Brigade CDs cute song about delivering pizza, which Jesus, Man is the Bastard, 7 Minutes of with their oozing guitars and horror from No Front Teeth, I couldn’t imagine I do know something about. The band Nausea, Cripple Bastards, Agathocles movie lyrics about eating corpses. The British street punk sounding any more has that naïve-but-full-of-beans attitude and a bevy of others. If loud, fast-as- Hi-Tops on the other hand, employ the raw. Then, some of the guys from which is alternately endearing and nerve fuck and wholly devoid of any “pop” all too familiar “I-don’t-wanna-(fill in Blacklist Brigade started Vinny Jack wracking. Their lefty sentiments are hooks is your bag of worms, or if you the blank)-with-you” lyrics sung with a and the Jabs, and they got more raw. encouraging but a little more rage and a just want to indulge in more auditory cheery, happy-go-lucky disposition. These songs sound like they were little less pep would go a long way. sensory overload than you ever dreamed Others, like the all-girl trio the Elektras, recorded on someone’s boom box as the –Eric Rife (Talking Dog) possible, you could do far worse than are reminiscent of L7. The Grizzly guys were getting drunk, but before this. –Jimmy Alvarado Adams Band sound like they’ve lis- they could go out and get in a fight. It’s WHY NOT: (www.soarecords.it) tened to their Germs and early Social tough and fucked up and sounds damn Caution Wet Floor: CD Distortion albums one too many times. good through the fuzz. I’d recommend It sounds like demo recordings by a VARIOUS ARTISTS: “Baby Or Not” starts off with the guitar picking up anything by Blacklist South Florida band steeped in mid-’80s South American riff from “Lexicon Devil” with vocals Brigade first. Once you’ve been indoc- hardcore. While there really ain’t much Teenage Garage Punk: 7” supplied by a guy whose voice is a dead trinated into the No Front Teeth school new or inspiring goin’ on, a healthy The title says it all: Five tracks of ringer for a young Mike Ness. The pro- of street punk, though, Vinny Jack and dose of humor keeps the proceedings “teenage garage punk” from four South duction values are appropriately trashy the Jabs will be your next logical step. fun at the very least. –Jimmy Alvarado American bands, specifically the (and occasionally tinny) and it often –Sean (No Front Teeth) (SoFla) Tandooris, Los Peyotes, Elio and the feels like the musty, filthy days of early Horribles, and the Supersonicos. All ‘80s punk all over again. If you’re not VIRUS NINE: WING: four are more than competent at what put off by the obviously derivative Blastin’ Away!: CD Sings the Carpenters: CD they do, with Elio and the Horribles nature of these bands, then this album is Punk Rock Listenin’ Lesson #1,247: If a My brother-in-law sent an attachment to providing the most over-the-top track really quite good. –Eric Rife band has a song called “Stay Proud! my wife via email and I heard her crack- and the Supersonicos providing the two (Swindlebra) Stay True! Stay Punk!” or any deriva- ing up from another room. I walked in most memorable tracks, both of which tion thereof, the odds are that any song to see what all the commotion was are surfy instrumentals. –Jimmy VARIOUS ARTISTS: The they are responsible for is gonna suck about. On the screen, I saw a Chinese Alvarado (Butterfly) Shape of Flakes to Come!: CD some serious turtle testicles. Like your woman’s picture and the music coming A cheapo label sampler from one of the average Casualties record, I’d dismiss out of the speakers was a heavily VARIOUS ARTISTS: coolest, most consistent labels around. this piece of shit as a joke, but I have no accented, out of key, woman sounding Strength Thru Oi!: CD It’s got songs from Hot Water Music, urge to laugh. –Jimmy Alvarado (A-F) serious singing Carpenters covers. I One of the most controversial compila- Bitchin’, Grabass Charlestons, fucking started laughing so hard I started to have tions in punk history is reissued for a Combat Wounded Veteran and other VON BONDIES: aches. This shit is brilliant! This is a CD newer generation of hooligans and hell- bands that you like. It’s only a buck and Raw and Rare: CD I would expect to see in an Asian mar- raisers. Twenty years on, it’s hard to it’s got an unreleased Panthro UK A live set, some BBC sessions (I ket near the cash register. The songs are remember why this was such a big deal. United 13, and if that doesn’t appeal to believe) and a couple of other live tunes so bad, they start sounding good. You Charges of racism were leveled at those you, I hear there’s a new Faint remix from a band that apparently wields a have to have a mental picture of this. responsible and its release was met with album coming out, you jerk. –Not Josh certain amount of respect in some cir- Picture a Chinese woman in ‘50s a big hoopla in England, but anyone (No Idea) cles, and it’s apparent here why: there’s singing in front of an all-white with half a brain could see that the con- some flat-out rockin’ trash rock here. Nashville band playing Carpenters tents within have nothing to do with VARIOUS ARTISTS: With the exception of the last two songs. Now picture those songs and racial hatred and everything to do with This is Bad Taste Vol. 5: CD tracks, the sound quality is great, the think how they would sound over “Top class divisions. Still, despite all the neg- This label has sure changed though the performance is inspired across the board of the World” or “We’ve Only Just ative feedback it received, it’s hard to years. They were more a hardcore/ and the songs themselves are great. Begun.” It’s funnier than your vision. deny the quality of the tracks, which are melodic punk label in the past. I guess Some mighty impressive work is in evi- This is the best CD to put on as the last still surprisingly good today. Featured their taste is changing or they are trying dence here, and one hell of a listen, to music your guests would hear at a party here are mostly exclusive tracks from to widen the audience of their label. boot. –Jimmy Alvarado (Dim Mak) at your home. Nothing could sour their poets Garry Johnson and Barney Well, here’s the breakdown of what is moment like this woman’s desecration Rubble, Infa-Riot, 4-Skins, Last Resort, on this comp. Danko Jones: Dirty rock- VON ZIPPERS, THE: of bad ‘70s music. –Donofthedead The Strike, Cocksparrer, Toy Dolls, ’n’roll with a ‘70s Detroit vibe. Four The Crime Is Now!: CD (Wing) Criminal Class, and the irrepressible Square: Indie college rock in the vein of Lo-fi garage sounds from Estrus? Splodge. Some mandatory listening R.E.M. Logh: More college radio stuff Whoudda thunk? I’d heard of the Von YOU AND I: Discography: CD here from a volatile era in British music that was kind of folk and emo. All Zippers before, but never actually lis- It’s like trying to listen to a Morbid history. –Jimmy Alvarado (Captain Oi) Systems Go: Good, straight-up melodic tened to these boys from the great white Angel record while babysitting a bunch punk that is every bit as good or better north. Political themes but pulled off in of four-year-olds – everybody’s scream- VARIOUS ARTISTS: than All. Last Days of April: Songs that a pretty rockin’ manner, which started ing and crying at once and the needle Swami Sound System are too long, too slow and feel too much me thinking: has there ever been a polit- keeps getting knocked of the record, at Vol. 1:2003 Sales Report: CD like I’m listening to the Verve. Satanic ical garage band? I thought about it on which time you can clearly hear the It’s known in these parts that Swami’s Surfers: The only band on this comp and off for a few days, couldn’t come up Bruce Hornsby playing next door. got the impeccable and far-ranging that sounds punk and has any hints of with anything, and then asked Todd if Something like that. Anyway, the metal taste, and you can get in on it. The treats what I remember this label sounded he knew of any. We sat around the office parts are good, but the rest is just too range from the rockin’ party soul of the like. Langhorns: Cool surf music. Hard- for a while, but neither of us could come much to put up with. It actually says, “I Sultans and Beehive & the Barracudas, ons: They still sound the same to me up with any. Not my favorite Estrus carved ‘hope’ in my wrist.” I waved to the hyper garage antics of the after all these years. Overall, I was dis- release lately, but I’ll definitively hold ‘bye-bye’ with mine. –Cuss Baxter Husbands and Dan Sartain, to the appointed in the direction this label on to it and let it grow on me more. I’m (Alone) ACTUAL 1977 punk of the Testors and went. –Donofthedead (Bad Taste) pretty sure it will. –Megan (Estrus) Testor Sonny Vincent’s recent punk Check out 45 more new slop, and beyond. Highlights are an VERY APE: Kosher Boogie: CD WE TALKED ABOUT record reviews at unreleased Rocket from the Crypt ditty, First off, I’m giving this a very sympa- MURDER: Expecting the circa-’84-old-school punk of San thetic review. One of the guys in this the Explosion: CD Diego youngsters Mannequin Piss, band looks like the bastard offspring of Seems like most bands with sentences 103 C O N T A C T A D D R E S S E S to bands and labels that were reviewedin the eitherlast two in months. this issue or posted on www.razorcake.com

• 1-2-3-4 Go!, 420 Wall St. #206, • Demirep, PO Box 85364, • Hungry Eye; • Porterhouse, PO Box 3597, Seattle, WA 98121 Seattle, WA 98145 Hollywood, CA 90078 • 3 Mileage, 981 Broadway, • Diamond Star, PO Box 592, • Hydra Head, PO Box 990248, • Punkhead, 3716 South Normal, 4th Floor, Suite 3, NY, NY 10013 Royal Oak, MI 48068 Boston, MA 02199 Chicago, IL 60609 • 31G, PO Box 178262, • Die Slaughter Haus, PO Box • Idol, PO Box 720043, • Putrid Flowers, c/o Ed Smith, San Diego, CA 92177 16068, Atlanta, GA 30316 Dallas, TX 75372 220-04 75th Ave., Bayside, NY 11364 • A-F, PO Box 71266, Pittsburgh, • Dim Mak, PO Box 348, • Init, PO Box 3432, • Rapid Pulse, PO Box 5075, PA 15213 Hollywood, CA 90078 Mankato, MN 56002 Milford, CT 06460 • Alien Snatch, Morkiweg 1, 74199 • Dionysus, PO Box 1975, • Initial, PO Box 17131, • Relapse, PO Box 2060, Upper Untergruppenbach, Germany Burbank, CA 91507 Louisville, KY 40217 Darby, PA 19082 • Alive, PO Box 7112, Burbank, • Dirtnap, PO Box 21249, • Johnny Cat, PO Box 82428, • Reptilian, 403 S. Broadway, CA 91510 Seattle, WA 98111 Portland, OR 97282 Baltimore, MD 21231 • Alone, PO Box 3019, • Dirty Faces, Universitätsstr 16, • Know, PO Box 90579, • Revelation, PO Box 5232, Oswego, NY 13126 44789 Bochum, Germany Long Beach, CA 90809 Huntington Beach, CA 92615-5232 • Alternative Tentacles, PO Box • Dischord, 3819 Beecher St., • KOB, Via Cantarane 63 C, • Revenge, 5835 Harold Way, #203, 419092, SF, CA 94141-9092 Washington, DC 20007-1802 37129 Verona, Italy LA, CA 90028 • Arms Reach, 1220 W. Hood Ave #1, • Doghouse, PO Box 8946, • Kool Arrow, 740A-14th St, • Robotic Empire, PO Box 4211, Chicago, IL 60660 Toledo, OH 43623 #415, SF, CA 94114 Richmond, VA 23220 • Artrocker, 3A Highbury Crescent, • Dr. Strange, PO Box 1058, • Learning Curve, 2200 4th St. NE, • Rocknroll Purgatory, 342 S. London, N5 1RN, England Alta Loma, CA 90701 Minneapolis, MN 55418 Walnut St., Wooster, OH 44691 • Asian Man, PO Box 35585, • Electric Human Project, 500 South • Level Plane, PO Box 4329, • Rockstar, Verbindungsstrasse 9, Monte Sereno, CA 95030 Union St., Wilmington, DE 19805 Philadelphia, PA 19118 52080 Aachen, Germany • Attention Deficit Disorder, • Elevator Music, PO Box 628, • Little Pusher; • Scene Police, Humboldstrasse 15, PO Box 8240, Tampa, FL 33674 Bronxville, NY 10708 53115 Bonn, Germany • Bad Attitude!; • Empty, PO Box 12034, Seattle, • Loud and Clear, PO Box 8216, • Side One Dummy, PO Box 2350, WA 98102 Goleta, CA 93118 LA, CA 90078 • Bad Reputation, PO Box 67516, • Epitaph, 2798 Sunset Blvd., • Lovitt, PO Box 248, Arlington, • Silverthree Sound Recordings, Dragon City Postal Outlet, 280 LA, CA 90026 VA 22210 PO Box 3621, Fairfax, VA 22038 Spadina Ave., Toronto, ON, M5T • Estrus, PO Box 2125, • Mad Butcher, Kurze Geimarstr.6, • Smartguy, 3288 21st St., SF, 3A5, Canada Bellingham, WA 98225 D-37073 Gottingen CA94110 • Bad Taste, Box 1243, • Even Worse, c/o Saenredamstr.44-2, • Magic Spot Productions, PO Box • SoFla, 6450 SW 32 St., 221 05 Lund, Sweden 1072ch Amsterdam, The Netherlands 146, River Grove, IL 60171 Miami, FL 33155 • Bert Dax Cavalcade of Stars, PO • Fastmusic, PO Box 206512, • Martyr, PO Box 955, • Southern, PO Box 59, Box 39012, St. Louis, MO 63139 New Haven, CT 06520 Harriman, NY 10926-0955 London N22 1AR, England • Better Looking, 11041 Santa Fat, PO Box 193690, SF, • Militia Group; • Spitfire; Monica Blvd., #302, LA, CA 90025 CA 94119-3690 • Split Seven, 12405 Venice Blvd. • Bifocal Media, PO Box 50106, • Fearless, 13772 Goldenwest St • Mint, PO Box 3613, Vancouver, #265, LA, CA 90066 Raleigh, NC 27650 #545, Westminster, CA 92683 BC, Canada, V6B 3Y6 • S-S, 1114 21st St., Sacramento, • Blackout, 931 Madison Street, • File 13, PO Box 804868, • Misfits, PO Box 2043, Radio City CA 95814 Hoboken, NJ 07030 Chicago, IL 60680 Station, NY, NY 10101-2043 • State of Grace, PO Box 8345, • Blazing Guns, PO Box 40236, • Finger, 9231 W. Central Ave, • Modern Radio, PO Box 8886, Berkeley, CA 94707 Downey, CA 90239 Unit D, Santa Ana, CA 92704 Minneapolis, MN 55408 • Steel Cage, PO Box 29247, • Blue Skies Turn Black, 214 • G7 Welcoming Committee, PO • Moon Ska Europe, PO Box 184, Philadelphia, PA 19125 Thornhill, DDO(Qc), H9G 1P7 Canada Box 27006, 360 Main Street Ashford, Kent, TN24 0ZS, UK • Suburban Justice, PO Box 56055, • Bockhorn, PO Box 10238, Concourse, Winnipeg, MB, • Mortville, PO Box 4263, Portland, OR 97238 Beverly Hills, CA 90213 R3C 4T3, Canada Austin, TX 78765 • Super Secret, PO Box 1585, Austin, • Bomp, PO Box 7112, • Gearhead, PO Box 421219, • Newest Industry, Unit 100, 61 TX 78767 Burbank, CA 91510 SF, CA 94142 Wellfield Rd., Cardiff, CF24 3DG, UK • Swami, PO Box 620428, San Diego, • Boss Tuneage, PO Box 74, Sandy, • Get Hip, PO Box 666 • Nice and Neat, PO Box 14177, CA 92162 Bedfordshire, SG19 2WB, UK Canonsburg, PA 15317 Minneapolis, MN 55414 • Swindlebra, Postgasse 12, 89312 • Broken Rekids, PO Box 460402, • Geykido Comet, PO Box 3806, • Nice Guy, PO Box 42815, Günzburg, Germany SF, CA 94146 Fullerton, CA 92834 Cincinnati, OH 45242-0815 • Thinker Thought, 1002 Devonshire • Butt, 9102 Edwards Dr., • Ghostmeat, 707 Forest Heights Dr., • Nitro, 7071 Warner Ave., Ste. F736, Rd., Washington, IL 61571 Olvette, MO 63132 Athens, GA 30606 Huntington Beach, CA 92647 • Thorp, PO Box 6786, • Butterfly, PO Box 31225, • Giant Haystacks, PO Box 22971, • No Front Teeth; Toledo, OH 43612 08080 Bareclona, Spain Oakland, CA 94609 • Thrown Brick, PO Box 4831, • BYO, PO Box 67609, LA, • Glare, PO Box 82728, Portland, • No Idea, PO Box 14636, Louisville, KY 40204 CA 90067 OR 97282-0728 Gainesville, FL, 32604 • Tiberius, 4280 Catalpa Dr., • Captain Oi, PO Box 501, High • Gloom, PO Box 14253, • Noma Beach, PO Box 735, Independence, KY 41051 Wycombe, Buckinghamshire, Albany, NY 12212 Sonoma, CA 95476 • TKO, 3126 W. Cary St #303, HP10 8QA • GSL, PO Box 65091, • Nomadic Sound System, Richmond, VA 23221 • Casual, c/o Franco Griesi, Via LA, CA 90065 PO Box 291578, LA, CA 90029 • Touch and Go, PO Box 25520, Falcone 13, 20010 Bareggio, Italy • Half-Day, PO Box 3381, • Novokkane Noise, 1055 Sanborn Chicago, IL 60625 • Cheapskate, no address given Bloomington, IN 47401 Ave., #105, LA, CA 90029 • Union Label Group, 78 Rachel E. • Cold Crush, PO Box 348, • The Happening, 2-12-18-104 • Odd Halo, PO Box 5359, Montreal, QC, H2W 1C6, Canada Hollywood, CA 90078 Akatsutsumi, Setagayaku, Tokyo, Gloucester, MA 01930 • Unstoppable, Box 440422, • Cool Beans, 3181 Mission #133, 156-0044, Japan • Oi! Strike, Paolo Petralia, via Somerville, MA 02144 SF, CA 94110 • Has Anyone Ever Told You?, Oderisi da Gubbio 67/69, 00146 • Vibrolas, PO Box 73, • Crackle, PO Box 7, Otley PO Box 161702, Austin, TX 78716 Roma, Italy Waynesburg, KY 40489 LS21 1YB, UK • Hater of God, PO Box 666, Troy, • Omnibus, PO Box 16-2372, • Voodoo Rhythm, Jurastrasse 15, • Da’Core, 4407 Bowes Ave., NY 12181 Sacramento, CA 95816 3013 Bern, Switzerland West Mifflin, PA 15122 • Havoc, PO Box 8585, • Pee; • White Drugs, 7095 Hollywood • Dark Front, PO Box 291, St. Minneapolis, MN 55408 • Pelado, 521 West Wilson – C103, Blvd., #651, LA, CA 90028 Charles, MO 63302-0291 • Heatslick; Costa Mesa, CA 92627 • Wide Stance, 1233 Redtail Hawk • Dead Beat, PO Box 283, • Hex, 201 Maple Ln, • Poisoned Candy, PO Box 9263, #4, Youngstown, OH 44512 LA, CA 90078 N. Syracuse, NY 13212 Missoula, MT 59807 • Wing, PO Box 9278, Newmarket, • Dead Teenager, PO Box 470153, • Honest Don’s, PO Box 192027, • Pop Riot, PO Box 14985, Auckland, New Zealand SF, CA 94147 SF, CA 94119-2027 Minneapolis, MN 55414 • Wrecked ‘Em, PO Box 240701, •Deathwish; Memphis, TN 38124 2500 LEFT-HANDED PEOPLE good book, it takes commitment to DAGGER, #32, $2, DIE EVERY YEAR USING read it from cover to cover, which 8½ x 11½, newsprint, 80 pgs. RITE-HANDED PRODUCTS, is exactly what I end up doing with If I lived in Portland, Oregon, I’d #2, 5½ x 8½, copied, 30 pgs. every issue I find myself picking probably pick this up when I saw it. Do people seriously not run off one up. Jack Rabid’s enthusiasm for the It is free, after all. My biggest pet copy and make sure that all the bands he likes is infectious and he’s peeve is that, like The Big words fit on their zine? I can excuse so adept at conveying that enthusi- Takeover, the reviews are organized it if it happens a few times. I’ve had asm that you find yourself reading by reviewer. I read review sections to hand write things onto flyers these long-ass interviews with pretty thoroughly, looking for a after I fucked up at the copy shop, bands you’d never dream of giving band I’ve heard about and want to too. When it keeps happening in the time of day under normal cir- know more, or to see what people this zine, and it’ll be a full line of cumstances. Ditto for his reviews, think about albums I really like or text almost every page, I just get which often leave you wanting to hate. By sectioning it by reviewer, I annoyed. Luckily, I didn’t really go out and buy the latest release by never make it all that far into it have much desire to keep reading a Britpop band you usually abhor. before just giving up. –Megan (c/o this so I just stopped. The best is Ah, but isn’t the intent of a Tim Hinely, PO Box 820102, this picture of a shirtless dude with “fanzine” to trumpet to the world Portland, OR 97282) two Screeching Weasel tattoos. that you have found absolute truth They’re both the Weasel head, in a certain band’s disc, even if the DUNK AND PISS, #11, $1, Send all zines for review to exact same size, looking in the rest of the world disagrees? That 5½ x 4, 62 pgs. same direction. One is over his said, included in this issue are inter- I was pretty surprised when I found Razorcake, PO Box 42129, heart, the other on his left forearm. views with Eric Idle, Johnny Marr out that Alex from Dunk and Piss is LA, CA 90042. Please Fucking genius. The worst part is of the Smiths, Pat and Alice from only 17, like that Winger song. include a contact address, the that I don’t think in its context it’s the Bags, Jazz/No Wave legend He’s a great writer and knows how number of pages, the price, supposed to be funny. –Megan James Chance, The Adverts, to write a well-paced, interesting and whether or not you (Jesska, 8218 S. 77 E. Ave #2080, Supergrass, Idlewild and others, as story, whereas most of the people I accept trades. Tulsa, OK 74133) well as smaller pieces on the knew in high school couldn’t even Feederz, Evan Dando, Billy write a well-paced, interesting sen- ADBUSTERS, Vol. 11 No. 4, Childish, (Smog), Reining Sound, tence. Dunk and Piss is a bunch of $7.95 offset, full color cover, plus tons of record reviews. It took little anecdotes about his mischie- full color insides, lots of pgs. me three weeks, but I made it all the vous adventures, and also about Don’t let the cover price deter you. way through and, like a good book, sucking at laser tag. All I can say is It’s worth every penny. Ever since I don’t consider a single minute that he’s got a great sense of humor high school, the last time I’d read wasted. –Jimmy Alvarado (Big and this is totally recommended, Time or Newsweek outside of a Takeover, 249 Eldridge St., No. 14, especially if you suck at laser tag waiting room, I’d always wondered NY, NY 10002-1345) and would like read about others what a larger-scale, politically like you. –Not Josh savvy, non-advertising riddled CUDGEL, #1, $2, (Dunk and Piss, 11 Alger Dr., magazine would read like, and now 5½ x 8½, copied, 41 pgs. Rochester, NY 14624) I know. Graphically arresting and Cudgel has a great attitude about laid out in a very startling way, it music. They’re open enough to be FILM GEEK, #9, $1, doesn’t rely on big, punchy pull diverse and human about how 5½ x 8, 26 pgs. quotes, but invites the reader to – music affects them while the cover- As a kid who grew up watching surprisingly – read. It’s a collage of age is focused enough to exhibit movies with the full knowledge email missives, diatribes (Hunter S. good taste. The premiere issue runs that House was much better than Thompson’s three paragraphs start- the gambit of how listening to Legends of the Fall, I have no ing off with “We have become a Leadbelly almost lead a staunch choice but to say this is great. Nazi monster in the eyes of the lover of punk to give up loud fast Seriously, how many times have whole world – a nation of bullies rules, but comes to the conclusion you seen some slick new and bastards who would rather kill that the world was better – and big Hollywood movie only to walk than live peacefully” is awesome in enough – to hold both. The inter- away wishing you had stayed home and of itself), and essays. I was also view with The Chargers Street and watched Tron instead? This hugely pleased at the broad range Gang was far above par. When any fanzine sympathizes. Articles on of topics covered, from excerpts on interviewer has the gall to ask, New Jersey’s movie history, rob- Islamic banking practices, political “What’s the best southern rock bery movies, and disaster movies, activism of making corporations song to have on while taking a as well as reviews of obscure B- have fewer rights than human shit?” gains instant bonus points movies and cult classics. Get this begins, to a nice range of satire and with me, the deal is sealed with the already! –Not Josh fiction. It effortlessly oscillates simple, yet powerful line summing (Film Geek, PO Box 501113, Tulsa, from scholarly to gutsy, to extreme- up exposure to the Chargers’ live OK 74150-1113) ly political to almost whimsical, set: “I felt like I’d had sex with while keeping its goal firmly in rock’n’roll.” The Chargers then FRACTURE, #22, $3 (ppd./ US), place: “We want to change the way win my heart by stating, “Mike 8½ x 11, offset, we interact with the mass media Watt’s never gotten gay and bor- full color cover, 114 pgs. and the way in which meaning in ing.” Proper props are given all the Fracture’s pretty damn impressive. produced in our society.” No small way through all forty-one pages. It’s large enough to remain in the task, and one that is achieved in its The whole issue, which includes an toilet magazine bin for over two pages. –Todd (Adbusters, 1243 interview with comic artist Peter months, and it’s filled with an West 7th Ave., Vancouver, British Bagge, local Ann Arbor hard work- impressive array of voices. This Columbia, V6H 1B7, Canada) ers, record reviews, and much issue’s focus is “DIY or Lie,” and more, always feels like you’re in although it’s a topic that’s been BIG TAKEOVER, #52, $4.95, the middle of an engaging conver- covered and re-covered, I give a 8½ x 11, glossy cover, 312 pgs. sation. Unpretentious, funny, and definite tip of the hat to Dan Truth be known, I read Big knowledgeable. Well worth the two McKee, who looks at it from both Takeover, not because it’s a bad bucks. –Todd (Dustin, 608 sides, states his biases, and puts the 106 magazine, but rather because, like a Catherine St., Ann Arbor, MI 48104) whole ordeal in very realistic terms. (Such as music is expensive to Alex, and his stories aren’t as inter- make, and just because music is on esting, but this really ain’t half-bad. a major doesn’t necessarily mean Pick it up if you see it. –Not Josh the music sucks [like Billie Holiday (God Kwit, 953 Spencerport Rd., and the Beach Boys], but it does Rochester, NY 14606) suck that they are on a major.) I also enjoyed the sheer number of voices GRACKLE, #1, $1 (or equivalent getting into the fray – with many trade), 4 x 5½, copied, current players, from bookers to silk-screened cover, 27pgs. zinesters to musicians to label own- Grackle is clearly written, positive, ers – allowing to have their say and and unapologetic, three things I stating the plusses and minuses. highly value. It’s basically a story Definitely a nice addition to the about moving to conservative cannon of sell-out discourse, one Wichita Falls, TX, getting into bik- that – quite honestly – was kind of ing, continuing veganism in a more burnt out about reading before get- hostile and barren environment, and ting this issue. Good job. The inter- looking up to one of the large ques- views are thorough (Dave Smalley tions in life: continue working of Dag Nasty states that he labor-intensive jobs (she works as a “respected Metallica for going out house cleaner in TX), or go to col- on a limb” for suing their fans who lege? The zine has a good grasp of used Napster). Fracture’s leagues gradual change. Its author is honest, above the cut and paste publicist hard working, and clear in thought, wet dream crud that other zines and that helps it be an engaging aspire to. Thumbs up. –Todd read. It’s a simple coming to terms (Fracture, Unit 100, 61 Wellfield with a new town zine, but that does- Rd., Cardiff, CF24 3DG, United n’t diminish its power. If you’re Kingdom) interested in a mainly quiet life gathering strength, this is the zine GO METRIC!, #17, $2, for you. I really enjoyed it. (It never 7 x 8½, copied, 46 pgs. hurts that I learned something. I Ever think that there’s someone out didn’t know that “Don’t Mess with there who uses a lot of the same Texas” was penned as a campaign brainwaves? I do. I think Mike against litter.) Also, see the Faloon is helming what could easi- Thoughtworm review. They’re ly be a hand-in-hand companion to interconnected. –Todd (Grackle, Razorcake. Go Metric! is infused c/o Malinda, 1703 Southwest with an undeniable love of punk Pkwy., Wichita Falls, TX 76302) music (mostly of the poppy vari- ety), a great understanding of what GRIND THAT AXE, HATEMACHINE #1, $2, 6, and Broadzilla, among others. It makes music tick, a healthy sense 5½ x 8½, copied, 14 pgs. 5½ x 8½, copied, 38 pgs. kinda sucks, to be honest with you. of humor, and a fun rogues gallery I respect the idea behind what This is hard. I like Rocco a lot. He’s –Not Josh (Rocco Galloway, PO of contributors. The music reviews they’re trying to do: provide a so positive and earnest. When he Box 2743, Eugene, OR 97402) are some of the best I’ve ever read. forum where anyone can present visited LA, we went out and ate He gets to the meat, explains the their opinion to whoever picks up a Mexican food together and he gave HEY CABBY, $4.95, 5½ x 8½, heart and intent, and pulls no copy. The problem is that in reality me a stack of zines. Rocco’s a lifer copied, glossy black and white punches. The ultimate testament to when you open up that type of – he’s booked clubs, he runs a radio cover, 40 pgs. Go Metric! is that many new, happy forum you get lots of people with show, and he’s a huge supporter. This is a series of stories tran- additions to my record collection opinions who don’t necessarily That said, Hatemachine suffers, not scribed by Arthur Ginzburg’s son, reflect many of Mike’s suggestions know how to phrase them, who from enthusiasm and heart – he ten years after Arthur’s passing – mostly stuff I’d never heard of can’t write, or really aren’t saying covers the Las Vegas Rockaround, away. This oral history recounts before. The Baseball Furies’ new anything. In one instance, someone Dead Bolt, his local music scene – many of the exciting, harrowing, one is like a claw hammer to the took the time to proof an article, but the fact that it’s terribly hard to and drudging days in his twenty- snacks. It’s great. In addition, using the paragraph symbol where read. The grammar’s bad, it needs seven years as a cab driver who there’s a great column by Rev. Nørb the writer should have, and that is to be proofed, and that makes it logged 1.1 million miles in New about visiting Metropolis, IL, a list how it’s left. In another, someone is very hard to follow trains of York City. The zine is put in sec- of French words to be deleted from describing her experience with thought along. Damn, that’s hard to tions – including robberies, weird American culture (“raison d’etre – Paxil and keeps contradicting her- write. I hate to solicit on his behalf, calls, pimps and hookers – and the there will be reason to be”), and the self. She states that her doctor, but if you live in the Seattle area, associated stories are bunched reason for their removal, Josh “decided that since I was bright are looking to lend a hand, want to together, some being as short as a Rutledge’s call to arms for the enough to read ‘Palace Walk,’ I help out a great guy, and have good paragraph, others several pages. As Vapors first full length, an inter- must not really be having memory editing chops, I suggest dropping I’d hoped, it was a great read, along view attempt with the Kill-A-Watts, problems, as much as I must be Rocco a line. It’d be harder to find the lines of what Studs Turkel does. an interview with a long-ago girl depressed.” She continues to list the a guy with a bigger heart. –Todd Let the working folk talk, pay atten- pop band, The Poptarts, plus more. reasons that she doesn’t believe in (Rocco Galloway, PO Box 2743, tion, and it’s amazing what you’ll You can’t fake this type of enthusi- the diagnosis, but goes on anti- Eugene, OR 97402) learn – like December is the month asm, and it’s so right on target, I depressants anyway. Once taking with the most taxi hold ups and cab- couldn’t help but read every page. the pills, she says that she felt, “just HATEMACHINE, #3, $2 (?), bies should never carry money in –Todd (Go Metric!, 15 ASouth Bedford alive and not dead, which was a 5½ x 8, 28 pgs. their left breast pocket. Arthur is a Rd., Pound Ridge, NY 10576) good thing for I’d felt pretty suici- This is the “Women Who Kick great, humanistic storyteller who is dal before going on the anti-depres- Ass!” issue of a zine that focuses on tough and hardened, even a bit of a GOD KWIT, #2, $1, sants.” Huh, how does any of that balls-out rock and roll a la the wise cracker, but never macho or 5½ x 4, 30 pgs. add up? Which is pretty much how Hellacopters or Nashville Pussy. thuggy. During one hold up, he This zine is done in the same style I felt through the all fourteen pages. It’s got short interviews with Lili Z. recounts, “a pistol bounced off the as Dunk and Piss, only not as good. –Megan (830 - 17th Ave., Seattle, of the No-Talents, Danielle side of my head. Luckily, I have a Chris isn’t as good of a writer as WA 98122) Emerick, the Motorpsychos, Venus hard head, so it 107 doesn’t bother me much.” What’s nists I’ve come across). The graph- from the editor’s native SNAKE PIT, Anthology #3, also reassuring is that since Arthur ics are interesting and the reviews Pennsylvania. I don’t listen to the 8½ x 5½ , $3, copied, 98 pgs. is working class, driving through are solid. The funniest part of the kind of music that they cover, but Ben Snakepit has found the perfect melting pots of different ethnicities, review section is the album that they seem to really enjoy it so I’m balance of dedication to his zine by he has ideals that get gut checked in Pete Pee’s mom reviews in each not going to slag on them. writing every day down (complete the real world. He realizes that issue. It makes it clear where Pete Interestingly enough, Rockbottom with its own soundtrack), but also although he’d been held up by gets his sense of humor. All in all, is not only the name of the Rock’s having a full life outside of it. I black folks a lot, he never goes off it’s a good source for Australian signature move, it is also the name think that balance is just a reflection on any sort of racial rant, having the punk. Highly recommended. –Sean of a discount carpet store in the of the way he lives. Yeah, he might good sense to separate good people (www.peerecords.com) South. –Not Josh (Marcy Miller, have done crazy things for three from bad. But it’s not all heavy. 12706 Pleasant Ridge Rd., days in a row, but the next day all There’s great stories about declin- PENCIL FIGHT, #1, $5, 7 x 8½, Harrisonville, PA 17228-9406) he does is eat burritos and watch ing a blowjob from ten and twelve- green ink on glossy paper, movies. He also never feels the year-old hooker sisters and kicking heavy stock cover, 96 pgs. SKIN DEEP, #1, $1, need to explain anything he does, out Jerry Lewis for giving him a Pencil Fight has me teetering. It’s 5½ x 4, 30 pgs. which is the biggest distraction for bad time. Besides, how many peo- very arty, which, in itself isn’t bad, I really hope this is a joke. me when reading any journal-ish ple do you know who’ve ridden but it’s so arty and me so dumb and Skinheads writing poetry is just as zine. The beauty is that instead of with both Jonas Salk (who discov- out of the “hip ads loop,” I some- bad as you’d think. Plenty of intro- using the space to fully reflect and ered the polio vaccine) and times had a hard time differentiat- spective lines like “Listen, bitch, analyze every incident from his life, Muhammad Ali and almost fist ing the content from the ads. I do there’s no room for a party in these he just lays it all out and lets each fought with Paul Newman? Good admire their graphic design experi- tite [sic] pants” and “Sometimes I action stand for itself. Ben is such stuff. The cover’s a little high, but mentation and pushing it, but some- think my braces are the only thing an amazing person, which just it’s worth it. –Todd (Evan times, I think that they use words as holding my pants up.” Ugh. Fuck makes it all the more readable. Ginzburg, PO Box 640471, graphics, and parts are almost this. –Not Josh (Skin Deep, PO Box He’ll do things like bring his girl- Oakland Gardens Station, Flushing, impossible to read, which doesn’t 13093, Minneapolis, MN 55414) friend tacos for lunch and always NY 11364) appeal to me so much. Me likey to draws his friends in an admirable read. On the plus, they’re extreme- SLOUCH, #5, $2.50, 7 x 8½, light. The degree of honesty is what MY SUMMER VACATION, ly playful with topics I’m familiar copied, glossy color cover, 34 pgs. gets me the most. He doesn’t seem #1-3, 5½ x 8½, with (The Briefs interview is great. Slouch is pretty darn good, but I to hold anything back. The fact that a buck for each, copied, 40 pgs. The designer even provides pic- wish it had an editorial. It’s missing he includes a quite personal letter I like Snake Pit. I can’t say that tures of what the boys are talking that little thread of continuity or from his mother is a statement to enough. That does not, however, about, and that’s a cool detail.) focus to pull it all together with a that. It is easy to understand how mean that I like every daily comic They also deal with hip hop artists tight little bow. I always like to hear she would be impressed, proud, that comes my way. Quite the oppo- (an area in which I’m woefully what’s going through the editors’ protective, and, at times, worried. site, actually. I think that the most deficient) and a range of stuff that I minds when I crack open a zine. She’s got a wonderful son who exciting part of Matt (he spells it find mildly interesting, but their Even though it’s easy to see they’re makes a wonderful zine. Oh yeah, with a heart, not an ‘M’)’s day is the interest in it made me slightly more intelligent and funny, I’m a sucker and it’s wicked funny, too. –Megan drawing of the comic, which does- intrigued. (On an almost unrelated for knowing the motivation. Slouch (Snake Pit, PO Box 49447, Austin, n’t make for the most interesting topic, for a book fair, since the price begins with a very good collection TX 78765) reading. Sometimes the art seems was so high for admission, I of news snippets covering Bush’s like it’s going to get better, but then became Seonna Hong for a day and new fuckups, coverups, and SUBURBAN VOICE #46, $3, it’ll just drop off again. At the end wore her name tag [I even got a runamoks. Following that is a good 8½ x 11, newsprint, glossy cover, of each issue, he swears he’s work- book signed “To Seonna”] and story, providing a checklist of what way over a hundred pgs. ing on improving the quality. The she’s in here, too. She paints cute to do before you quit your job, an If I was ever in the power position problem is I don’t know if he’s talk- little pictures with fairies and stuff.) essay on how cops are training like to do so, I’d make a donut mold of ing about the photocopies, the art, All in all, it definitely has highs and armed forces, how fear is manufac- Al Quint and have it replace the or maybe getting a more interesting lows. I’ll flip through the next one tured by the government, some shape of the glazed raised. That life to write about. Chances are I’ll to see how it develops. –Todd Steven Seagal parodies, a primer way, every time your were delight- never pick up another to find out. (Pencil Fight, PO Box 6645, essay on the importance of alterna- ed by a donut, you’d think, “Man, I –Megan (Matt Delight, 699 Portland, OR 97228) tive media, a telling interview with like that Al Quint guy.” He deserves Arguello Apt #102, SF, CA 94118) a San Francisco Chronicle technol- that much, at least. It’s the 20th POOR AND FORGOTTEN, ogy writer getting fired from his job Anniversary issue of Suburban PEE ZINE, #18, 25 & 26, $2.50 #19 (?), $1, 7 x 8½, 12 pgs. for attending a protest, and an essay Voice (over a year in the making) (plus shipping), 5½ x 8½, copied, This zine has a bunch of poems titled, “Does Your Bicycle Have a and it, as always, is a quality read. full color cover, 40 pgs. scattered throughout as well as a Penis or a Vagina?” All in all, they Al isn’t a blind cheerleader – his All three issues of Pee are fairly poorly written short story about balance that tightrope between live reviews reflect someone who similar. They’re laid out in the tra- asphyxiating while having sex in a being serious enough to make their constantly goes out and it’s not all ditional punk zine format, with car. I don’t really like poetry any- points stick while being humorous gloss when he’s reviewing bands columns first, then interviews, then way, but the story seemed to be an enough to not be a stick in the mud. he’s seen multiple times. Over the reviews. The interviews tend to be attempt at both erotica and black Recommended. –Todd (Slouch, last several issues, Al’s been honing done through email, which isn’t my comedy (the title was “Your [sic] 733 Baker St., SF, CA 94115) down and focusing mostly on hard- favorite format, but they make up Oh So Breath Taking”) while fail- core, and in his hands – scene posi- for that by asking good questions ing at both, coming across as a SLUG AND LETTUCE, #75, tive, not scene cliquish – you get a and covering a wide scope of music fourteen-year-old trying to get pub- 60 cents, 11½ x 15, 20 pgs. true sense of what bands are think- and independent Australian culture. lished in Hustler. Also included are Slug and Lettuce is great. For those ing, who’s active, and the entire Their columns are raw, but there’s a reviews of two indie rock radio who’ve never encountered it vibe of the Boston DIY community. diversity in columnists, and the shows and a punk rock crossword before, it’s a completely DIY news- The interviews are an accomplish- mere fact that they’re in Australia puzzle that is pretty hard to read paper-type zine that perfectly mixes ment in and of themselves. He does makes what they have to say for- because the ink is faded. –Not Josh personal writing with leftist politics a great job of asking politically eign enough to make it interesting (Matthew Johnson, PO Box 59, and underground rock and roll. And motivated bands exact questions, (like, when does an American punk Linwood, MA 01525) it costs sixty freakin’ cents. Lots of isn’t afraid to state his own bal- rocker ever write about his vacation columns, tons of reviews. Nicely anced opinion, and engages in real in Fiji.) I’m really becoming a fan ROCKBOTTOM, #18, $2, done. –Not Josh (Slug and Lettuce, dialogues. Just when you think it’s of Satanic Ian, too (who, despite his 5½ x 8, 16 pgs. PO Box 26632, Richmond, VA getting too heavy, he pulls out little name, is one of the most level- This is a short zine focusing on rock 23261-6632) facts about the band that only a true 108 headed punk colum- and metal bands that seem to be fan could know (like break dancing pasts), and that’s a true sign of great it isn’t (evidence: the appearance of them together. I like that type of ZISK, #6, 8½ x 7, $1, copied, 32 interviewing. In this issue: Amdi the phrase “SIKE!”). Worth a stamp intrigue. Recommended reading. pgs. Petersens Arme, Balance Of Terror, and so much more. –Not Josh (Ben –Todd (Thoughtworm c/o Sean Holy cow! I was so excited when I Cut The Shit, Holding On, The Pist, Trogdon, 191 Glen Oban Dr., Stewart, 1703 Southwest Pkwy., saw this, but I thought it was joke, Rambo, Martin of Limp Wrist and Arnold, MD 21012) Wichita Falls, TX 76302) so I hid my enthusiasm. Then I Crudos, and Vitamin X. If even a found out that it really is a zine little bit of you enjoys hardcore, the THOUGHTWORM #10, $2, TWENTY-EIGHT PAGES about baseball. Not only that, but zine is worth the price for the hon- 5½ x 8½, copied, LOVINGLY BOUND WITH it’s put out by some of the same est-take reviews alone. I hold a big silkscreened cover, 24 pgs. TWINE, #6, $2, 5½ x 8½, copied, people as Go Metric!, one of my slice of pizza and a donut aloft to Much like Grackle, which is the linoleum block print cover, 28 pgs. most favorite zines. It is so nice to Al. Fantastic stuff. He hits another companion piece to this zine, its Twenty-eight pages of funny, talka- have people writing about baseball one out of the park. –Todd author, Sean, is very kind and gen- tive, and playful stories about cat in a passionate and knowledgeable (Suburban Voice, PO Box 2746, tle, sedate and calm. The scenario is poo, getting a hot water heater way without pussyfooting around Lynn, MA 01903-2746) that he got a job as a librarian in a replaced, feeling supremely dirty, anything. They’ll be brutally honest smaller, tree-deprived town and the and a kid named Herbie. Christoph about their biases and loves of dif- THANKS FOR NOTHING, #4, move has been a series of small can effortlessly weave a tale that is ferent teams. It reads like an after- & BOW WOW WOW, #5, shocks. Instead of being reac- so good-natured, it’s hard not to noon from years back with my a stamp each, 8½ x 11, 1 pg. each tionary or being defeated by relo- smile along. The distinction comes grandpa and uncles going back and I’m speechless. This guy puts out a cating to a highly conservative part in the details. The writing’s tight forth, getting quite heated at times. one page zine with not a whole lot of Texas, Sean looks both deep and conversational. The zine’s The strangest thing was that no of content and it fucking rules. He inside of himself and also at what is actually bound with butcher’s matter how much their arguments changes the name of his zine every unique – and great – about Texas. string, and on the page that has a made them seem like they would issue (it’s also been called Death of His first epiphany is the sky. “It’s picture of the plumber’s van, he’s never see eye-to-eye, we all knew a Toaster, apparently) but it’s not to so big; so damn big.” What’s also white-outed, by hand, the phone that they were all arguing for the confuse people (even if it did con- interesting is how Thoughtworm number on it, possibly out of Mets, but just different aspects of fuse me), it’s just because this mag- barely overlaps, yet complements respect to the plumber. When the team. The same goes for Zisk. azine isn’t likely to become famous Grackle, with neither one of their Christoph talks about his twenty- No matter what approach they’re or anything so he didn’t think that overpowering one another. It seems one month old child, it’s with great taking, you know it’ll all come there was a reason to keep the same that very together egos are putting love, affection, understanding, and back to a love for something inside name every time. The enthusiasm these zines together and that’s humor. The only thing I don’t quite of Shea Stadium. Anyone who even of this guy is just fucking conta- always a treat. Also, it’s curious to understand is that when he gets occasionally catches the game at gious, I swear, and he’s pretty read two accounts of the same hap- breast fed, it’s called “noose chair.” the park, on TV, or – my favorite, funny, too. The fourth issue pre- penings with very little dialogue Everything else is explained and on the radio – should check this sents you with the enigma that is between the two participants. told from a well-adjusted, friendly out. –Megan Record and Tape Traders, which Beyond the new situation in which tone infused with aged wonder. (They’ve recently moved. Email: sells neither records nor tapes. The they’re thrust, that they have a gar- Yep, this is a good one. –Todd fifth issue has some haiku, which is den, and they like to bike, it’s still a (Christoph Meyer, PO Box 106, for address) usually pretentious but in this case mystery what other bonds keep Danville, OH 43014) books. –Jimmy Alvarado (Phony Lid worth looking for it. –Todd (Microcosm, PO Books, PO Box 29066, LA, CA Box 1443, Portland, OR 97293) 90029) War Talk Things Are Meaningless Arundhati Roy, 112 pgs. Al Burian, perfect bound comic, over After the massive international success of her 100 un-numbered pgs. first novel, The God of Small Things, Indian Here’s my hypothesis: Since this is a author Arundhati Roy turned her talents to the perzine with pictures, I’ll make the writing of policitical essays. Over the past few leap that Al Burian’s is afraid of direct years, she’s published three collections of communication. This book is fraught essays. War Talk is the most recent. In it, Roy with endless pontifications and crip- takes on global politics from a sensitive, well- pling non-commitment. The visual informed perspective. While it is a short book aspects are of this book are fine. It’s (112 pgs., plus about thirty pages of footnotes), well drawn with simple, sparse lines. War Talk showcases Roy’s greatest talent as a The text of the book mirrors Al’s own writer: her ability to say very intelligent things words; it’s “bland tofu in the vegan in a simple way. On a less general level, War entrée that is life.” Blandness isn’t an Talk collects six essays of Roy’s. They focus ingredient that makes a great – or even mainly on the threat of nuclear war, the impor- decent – book. He’s so nostalgic and tance of dissent, and the effects that US imperi- so non-confrontational, I just kept alism has on the rest of the world. Roy lives in thinking, “Fuck, stop your complain- India, so she has a different perspective on ing.” With lines like, “We moped world events than you’re probably used to, and around aimlessly. It was awesome,” as she also has the ability to write from the one an essential core to this book, Al country that was able to cast out an empire non- thinks too much without coming to a violently. This perspective makes it all the more conclusion, acts too little, and makes powerful when she says things like, “Any gov- (mostly negative) assessments of peo- ernment’s condemnation of terrorism is only ple he comes in contact with. Then he credible if it shows itself to be responsive to per- romanticizes many of the interactions sistent, reasonable, closely argued, non-violent in retrospect. Not very compelling dissent.” This raises the point that, if a country reading. won’t listen to it’s non-violent protestors, it’s He’s decidedly half-assed through saying that voilence is the only recognizable out the entire book. When he goes to form of dissent. This is an especially important New York, he complains that the “taxi notion to understand when you realize that the cab is considered a standard mode of US government has granted two-thirds of the Sex & Guts #4 transport, for god’s sake.” I dunno, Al. demands made by the terrorists who attacked the Edited by Gene Gregorits and Lydia Lunch, Blindly, I was able to fly into NYC, take a bus to World Trade Center, yet non-voilent war pro- $20, 280 pages a train, go over thirty miles, walk five blocks, testers have gotten nothing but pepper spray Despite an unimaginatively exploitative title see a great punk band, then get back on the train rubbed in their eyes and an occasional lump and an unfortunate attempt to blur the line and the next day find a pool to skate, all without from a billy club. Think about that the next time between magazine and book, Sex & Guts is, sur- a car or a cab. No problem. There’s no fucking you turn on Fox News and hear about the US prisingly, a good read. Helmed by Gene way you can pull that in LA. The train doesn’t government supposedly fighting against terror. Gregorits and Lydia Lunch, Issue 4 features even go to the airport. Al comes across as a Roy’s essays do cover a lot of Indian politics, twenty-nine interviews with denizens from all grade-A wiener to me. I want to slap him around which I know little about, but she tends to focus corners of the underground, as well as fiction and kick him in the ass, and say, “Dude, all you more on the general ills of globalization and less and articles from literary luminaries like Hubert have to do is ask to see if there’s a bus instead of on specific events. This makes War Talk valu- Selby, Jr., Jerry Stahl, Bibbe Hansen, Nick a shuttle to find out it’s way cheaper.” (Instead, able as a longstanding guide to how to view a Tosches and others. While the fiction pieces are he asks if the shuttle is ten times faster than the hostile world with a faith in humanity rather interesting at worst, the real strength here lies in bus (it’s ten dollars instead of one), then gets a than a focused argument about one issue. It’s the interviews. Unlike those you might find in black squiggly thunder cloud above his head and also interesting to read her take on the threat of “real” magazines, many of the interviews, such storms off.) nuclear war between India and Pakistan, as those with filmmakers John Waters, Larry The problem is whittled down to this sharp because, in the US, anyway, the threat of a Weasel and Laila Nabulsi, are presented with point. In the movie, Barton Fink, Barton is this nuclear war doesn’t seem nearly as present on such a casual tone that it almost feels like you’re playwright who is supposed to capture the people’s minds as it was during the eighties, but eavesdropping on a private conversation at your essence and soul of the everyday man, while with each foray into the Middle East, that threat favorite watering hole between two friends who exploring “the life of the mind.” Charlie, who is continuing to grow. This is especially power- happen to be discussing snuff films, Mexican Barton thinks is a simple man, starts off many ful to read about in Roy’s words, since she liter- death magazines, and the agony of getting Fear conversations with, “Oh, the stories I could tell,” ally lives under the shadow of a nuclear attack and Loathing in Las Vegas made into a film. All and Barton cuts him off. Barton never gets out every day. Beyond India, her essays also include of the interviews featured in this issue are chock of his small, closed universe to hear other’s sto- a look at controlled media in democracies, not full of weird, interesting bits of trivia (who’d ries, thinking that the best stuff will pop right just the media monopoly in the US, but also in have figured Margaret Cho would even know into his brain. Barton should just sit down and Italy and elsewhere around the world. She who Jim Goad is, let alone consider herself a listen – to the postal worker, the waitress, writes about “The Loneliness of Noam fan?), and often veer away from the intervie- whomever – but instead, as with Al, he faces Chomsky,” or the loneliness of speaking out wees’ work in favor of finding out what excites these people with either disinterest or contempt. against popular opinion. And her “Come them. Every time I put Sex & Guts down, I That’s too bad. It’s a rich world out there and September” essay gives a clear view into how found myself picking it up again and getting unsuspecting people can provide you with star- the rest of the world reacted to how the US sucked into conversations about what Chris D., tling insight. This book provides none of that. reacted to September 11, 2001. Throughout the Johnette Napolitano or Jim Foetus were doing It’s a closed, dead-end circuit. book, Roy has a lucid eye for the ills that befall these days. To be honest, the only gripes I have If you get wet reading the Utne Reader, or the global community, and she has a way of with Sex & Guts are with the cover price and the think that The Shipping News was riveting, Al’s expressing her opinions without making you advertisements throughout. I can’t see myself right up your alley. For the rest of you, may I feel like the whole world has gone to paying 20 bucks for a magazine, no matter how suggest a good book? Pick up Revolt of the shit. War Talk is definitely a worthwhile good, and I sure as hell don’t like to see the lat- Cockroach People by Oscar Zeta Acosta. It has read. –Sean (South End, 7 Brookline est Guided By Voices disc being hawked in my nothing in common with this book and is well Street #1, Cambridge, MA 02139-4146) Little Runaway, VHS CD soon!). Have you noticed how lately lots of folks ANYWAY, this dude “Jim Powers” (Lane) have been yammering on about punk rock used to be IN Kilroy and NOW he’s a porn and porn? Like it’s something “new,” right? I producer who’s been tossing in some bits of mean, even though the original prison term this punk rock stuff into his films for a while “punk” is, uh, sexual in nature and pornogra- now. “I once did a video called D.P. (double phy has worked its way just about every- penetration) Party Tonight where all the music where since the dawn of civilization, folks was by Guttermouth and it’s the story of these are acting like it’s a unique thing for the two punk rockers that invade this town and D.P. to ever cross paths. Well, of course, LOTSA every women in the neighborhood. They spray guys and gals connected to the punk scene paint this house with Black Flag, Sex Pistols have been involved with the “sex industry” and all this stuff. NOFX did the theme song to over the years; ranging from Dee Dee the Monkey Gang Bang. I’ve used Piss-belly, Ramone hustling on the corner circa ‘75 to those S&M fetish Punk the Swingin’ Utters, Jughead’s Revenge... Fat Records gives us a lot of Ladies of Wrestling videos that Kembra Pfahler’s been putting out. The stuff to use,” he tells xmag.com. No, really, that’s what he said. Well list of participants can actually go on and on (Lisa B. Faloor’s Bikini Girl anyway, from what I can gather, he and this guy Rob Rotten and a few zine from that late ‘70s! Wendy O Williams’ adult loops! The Suicide other folks decided to remake Penelope “Beverly Hillbillies” Spheeris’s Girls website! Someone you know who’s gonna be doing some stripping 1985 punk exploitation film Suburbia as a hardcore video called Little tonight!), but okay, okay, I’ll admit that it’s sorta new to see a more Runaway with all the usual stuff you’d expect in a modern mainstream “mainstream” XXX vid that’s going out of its way to grab the punk rock porno. You know – lots of oral, anal and vaginal sex scenes that were nose ring while simultaneously appealing the usual porn hound con- shot on video in a couple of days with all the amateur lighting and sumer (which probably includes your Dad). Yeah sure, there have been cheesy acting you could want. The twist here is that they got D.I. and a few others – in 1978 a hardcore movie called Punk Rock came out that U.S. Bombs to play in a couple of scenes (with both live and synced was even less accurate than those episodes of CHiPs and Quincy from sound) and stocked the soundtrack up with stuff from the Stitches, the the early ‘80s (you can get it from Alpha Blue Archives if you’re really Lower Class Brats and the Sick, and then dressed up a bunch of porn gals interested) – but this Little Runaway one was done recently by a buncha as the same kind of ‘77-UK-influenced / liberty-spiked-looking-punks folks who probably have at least some of the same records you do. Well, that you might’ve seen at a Kilroy show on a good night around 1983. maybe if you’re over thirty that is. Like I said before, the plot loosely follows Suburbia’s – a kid (a girl So... anyone out there remember Kilroy? Early ‘80s LA punk band? this time; played by Rachel Rotten) runs away from her unacceptable Had a kind of British ‘77 cartoon punk look about ‘em with all that home life (her father not only replaces her flyers with Barbie dolls, but goofy liberty spike stuff? C’mon! There was a letter once written to has taken to screwing her step sister in the living room) and winds up at Flipside accusing them of following all the rules of McLaren’s Great a punk show where someone drugs her drink. She passes out and gets Rock and Roll Swindle to get as far as they had. Just a few of you, huh? rescued in the form of being taken to a punk rock crash pad house cov- Well I guess that makes sense. They were pretty popular on the west ered in graffiti and filled with losers. These losers fuck on camera a lot coast for a while there, but no one seems to be talking ‘em up much these more than the ones from Suburbia, of course, but the acting is just about days (but hey, with all the punk nostalgia that’s running rampant, that’s as convincing (and having had a bit part in a porn film myself, I can tell sure to change eventually, right? Look for the complete discography on you that it just doesn’t matter anyway since these scenes are gonna get fast forwarded through by 90% of the viewers). Still following the plot? girls somehow with kinky or extreme sex. The ol’ nympho archetype Okay, well, the property owner is gonna tear the place down, you see, who usually gets served up in smut seems a logical match to the gener- and after he and his “meat head” pal break in and have a threeway with al perception of punks, right? So that’s a bunch of the market. Then a junkie chick in the house (Ashly More; “you guys are lucky I’m just a there’s the curious punk types who’re looking for something a little dif- whore”), the gal ODs and the punks take her body back to her parents. ferent from the usual stuff out there, but still raunchy enough to do the Then there’s a funeral scene where they start a fight with her sexu- trick for ‘em (and with some familiar fashion decisions, to boot). You ally abusive uncle and all of ‘em run off except for a pair who stick know I will say that the cast all look pretty much like the kind of punks around to fuck in front of the dead girl’s coffin (“this one’s for you they’re supposed to look like. They’ve got zits and stupid hair along with Courtney”). Okay, now that that’s taken care of, we’re back at the house some dumb tattoos and a few beer bellies. There’s no one with those where a (fatter, older) DI are playing (lamer, newer) versions of giant, creepy boobs that make it look like they’re smuggling athletic “Richard Hung Himself” and “Johnny’s Got a Problem” as porn veteran equipment around under their skin, and the sex ranges from enthusiastic Dave Hardman gets a blow job while wearing a Skrewdriver shirt (Alert! and dirty to bored and uncomfortably awkward (just like in real life!). For what it’s worth to you, there’s also some Skrewdriver graffiti on the It’s just funny that it took this long, really. I mean the cultural touch- walls and a swastika flag tattoo on Mr. Rotten’s leg connected to some- stones of this whole little scene have been codified for years, haven’t thing else [I couldn’t make out the whole thing]). I dunno the contextu- they? From Black Flag shirts and TSOL patches to colored mohawks al meaning behind this stuff for the filmmakers, but it was enough to (at and a bald character named El Duce, it’s all here; but the bottom line least publicly) sink the interest of some of my peers. You know, it’s a here is that it’s basically a porn flick. It’s gonna repulse a lot of folks and weird thing about porn – because you’re dealing with sex and sexual fan- turn some others on, but that’s porn. By its very nature this stuff usually tasies – you’re going to move into some areas that are taboo for a lot of gets a reaction – sometimes a pretty obvious reaction – and stirs shit up people. The thing to remember, of course, is that stuff that gets people for people (though that’s really a whole other article, isn’t it?). Anyway, off can be the stuff they have no interest in exploring beyond the realm I dunno if seeing girls with spiky hair get jizz all over their faces is of sextime. Rough sex, power games, and race-oriented fetishes are something you’ve been waiting forever for, but if so, hey – here’s your nothing rare; but I don’t really think the folks behind this movie were chance! And if the market turns out to be there, you’ll probably get a few trying to tap into any of that to be honest. I think they just dig them some more chances down the road. Skrewdriver.) What’s that? You really dig sex but this kinda stuff doesn’t really And then… and then... well, and then the tape ended. Ended right in “speak” to you? Well hey, the thing is that porn is a lot like punk rock. the middle of the scene. Yeah, it’s pretty common in the cheapjack world If you don’t like what’s out there (and you’re, you know, over 18), you of porn – I used to work at a video store and we’d have problems like can always make your own. Hey, if you’re comfortable with it and this all the time, but as a result I have no idea how this thing ends up. you’ve got the interest, you can bet that there’s an outlet for you. You Well, okay I have some idea. My idea is that sperm is involved somehow. might not get rich and you might feel kinda silly explaining it to your I mean, it’s a long shot, but I’m willing to go out on a pornographic limb parents, but the human sexual appetite is so damn huge and varied that here and say “sperm.” Oh, and I hear Casey from D.I. gets a blowjob, no matter what you do (alone or with some friends) there’s gonna be too. someone who wants to pay you to see it. Sure, you might not wanna run Okay, so there’s Little Runaway. Now I ask you, who do you think into them later and have them tell you about it, but they’re out there. is gonna rent or buy it? Huh? Well I’m not totally sure but I’m guessing DIY, man! Be more than a witness! ...well, unless you just like it’ll mostly be guys who aren’t busy sitting around listening to the Kill- to watch. –Jason Willis (Notorious Productions. Associated links: A-Watts in their spare time or anything, but simply equate punk rock