ot too long ago, I went to visit some relatives back in Radon, the Bassholes, or Teengenerate, during every spare moment of Alabama. At first, everybody just asked me how I was my time, even at 3 A.M., was often the only thing that made me feel N doing, how I liked it out in California, why I’m not mar- like I could make something positive out of my life and not just spend N it mopping floors. ried yet, that sort of thing. You know, just the usual small talk ques- tions that people feel compelled to ask, not because they’re really For a long time, records, particularly punk rock records, were my interested but because they’ll feel rude if they don’t. Later on in the only tether to any semblance of hope. Growing up, I was always out of day, my aunt started talking to me about Razorcake, and at one point place even among people who were sort of into the same things as me. she asked me if I got benefits. It’s probably a pretty lame thing to say, but sitting in my room listen- I figured that it was pretty safe to assume that she didn’t mean free ing to Dillinger Four or Panthro UK United 13 was probably the only records and the occasional pizza. “You mean like health insurance?” time that I ever felt like I wasn’t alone. “Yeah,” she said. “Paid vacation, sick days, all that stuff. But listening to music is kind of an abstract. It makes you feel Benefits.” good but there’s not really any tangible reward that you get from it. I shook my head. “I actually don’t get paid for the stuff that I do,” The first time I ever hung out with Todd and Sean and Megan and the I said. rest of the Razorcake folks was the first time that I ever felt relaxed Her jaw practically hit the floor. It was as if she had never even around other people, like I wasn’t some gringo wasting everybody’s imagined that people would ever do any work unless they were getting time. And from the moment when Todd picked me up from that paid for it. “Then why do you do it?” Greyhound station to right now, life hasn’t been such a disappoint- At the time, I probably did what I usually do when somebody asks ment, like I’m accomplishing something instead of treading water in me a tough question: I shrugged and gave some vague non-answer my hometown. And to me, that’s worth a lot more than a paycheck at like, “I dunno, I guess I just like it.” But it got me thinking. Thinking the end of every week. about washing dishes and cooking chicken wings, and about how at But I still wonder about my aunt and how I could explain that to the end of those fifty- and sixty-hour weeks, yeah, I got paid, but what her in a way that she could understand. Can you say, “I feel like cer- the hell difference did that make? A paycheck’s just money. What tain musicians plug their instruments directly into the happy part of good does that do? my brain” to a woman who, in all likelihood, has not bought a piece of I thought about how the only thing that could take my mind off recorded music since Jimmy Carter was in office or ever even thought work, the only thing that I had to look forward to, was listening to of music as something other than background noise, and have her records that most people saw as just trinkets from some disposable understand what the hell you’re talking about? If it’s something that culture, some fad that I would hopefully grow out of before I settled you really love, do you even need to rationalize it for other people? into that Certified Public Accountant job that everybody expected of me. I thought about how listening to those records, whether it was –Josh
AD DEADLINE AD SIZES • We don’t reserve ad space. FOR ISSUE #26 • Full page, 7.5” wide, 10” tall. • If we need to invoice you, we April 1st, 2005 • Half page, 7.5” wide, 5” tall. won’t run your ad until we (no joke) • Quarter page, 3.75” have the cash on hand, so make ISSUE #27 wide, 5” tall. those arrangements before the June 1st, 2005 • Sixth page, 2.5” wide, 5” tall. ad deadline. • Please make all checks out to • “Few things are harder to put Razorcake. up with than the annoyance of Email • We only accept electronic ads. [email protected] a good example.” –Mark Twain • All ads are black and white. for rates and full details.
Cover photograph by Dan Monick (www.dmonick.com) Cover design by John Miner ([email protected]) Contact Razorcake: Sean
INTERVIEWSANDFEATURES 40 North Lincoln by Janelle Jones 44 Federation-X by BD Williams 50 Hot Snakes by Josh 68 56 Vinyl Audities by Todd Taylor 72 68 Giant Haystacks by Josh 72 Boston DIY by Brian Mosher
79 Dan Monick’s Photo Page REVIEWS 80 Record It's a formula - like fat guys walking into sliding glass doors - that never gets old. 102 Zines The cover is a picture of a gal sprawled out next to a toilet. 108 Videos Can't stand on drum solos alone.. 112 Book But the baby won't grow if you don't feed her meat...
Individual opinions expressed within are not necessarily those of Razorcake/Gorsky, Inc.
Razorcake is distributed by Big Top Newstand Services, 2729 Mission St., Ste.201, SF, CA 94110, [email protected] Razorcake/ Gorsky, Inc. Board of Directors are: Todd Taylor, Sean Carswell, Dan Clarke, Katy Spining, Leo Emil Tober III Razorcake and www.razorcake.com are put together by Sean Carswell, Todd Taylor, Josh Lane, Megan Pants, Skinny Dan, Julia Smut, and Jennifer Moncayo. Razorcake is bi-monthly. Issues are $3.00 ppd. in the US. Yearly subscriptions (six issues) are $15.00 bulk rate or $21.00 first class mail. Plus you get some free shit. These prices are only valid for people who live in the US and are not in prison. Issues and subs are more for everyone else (because we have to pay more in postage). Write us and we’ll give you a price. Prisoners may receive free single issues of Razorcake solely via Books to Prisoners, 92 Pike St., Box A, Seattle, WA 98101. Want to distribute Razorcake in the United States? The minimum order is five issues. You have to prepay. For $10.00, you’ll receive five copies of the same issue, sent to you when we do our mailout to all of our distros, big and small. Email
You’re doing a show with The Riverboat Gamblers and they’ve finished their set. Your band’s next and you set up. The last thought in your mind before you start your set is: “Fuck.” Remember taking your first written a) your dumb ass deserves to be a) Cover Greg Ginn’s health insur- c) are the two strips of duct tape that exam at the DMV? That narrow, taken for every cent you own ance should be slapped over Exene long sheet full of multiple-choice b) our own Megan Pants has a b) Kill bugs and insects on contact Cervenka’s mouth when she drones questions that seemed like it was knuckle sandwich waiting with your c) Re-record their catalog, classic on and on while onstage. And while gonna be a walk in the park, didn’t face written all over it rock style. For example, “Nervous the roll of tape is out, get Spike Lee it? That is, until afterward, you c) both a & b Breakdown” is now “19th Nervous and Lars Ulrich over here, too. learned that there were a handful of Breakdown” (no relation to The trick questions that made you feel 4) The Candy Snatchers: Stones) 14) John Boy Walton is to “emo” the same way Ray Charles did when as Arthur Fonzerelli is to: he stepped in a pile of doggy soft a) have all become youth ministers 9) Sammy Hagar is to Van Halen serve for the first time as a blind and have changed their musical as Brandon Cruz is to: a) death metal man (cut me some slack—I really direction to Christian contemporary b) The Village People liked Ray. And no, this squishy b) were those creepy older kids who a) The Courtship of Eddie’s Father c) fuck off, Peter Pompadour. Happy scene wasn’t in the movie). But trick rolled young’uns for their loot on b) the Dead Kennedys Days has been cancelled for years questions? On a test from a govern- Halloween night c) not driving 55, either ment-run agency? Go figure. Well, c) will kick your ass and continue to 15) Mike Ness of Social Distortion no need to sweat like fat Elvis. I’m bleed for rock and roll 10) Which of the following would needs to: no government official and I sure best describe Glenn Danzig’s ain’t here to trick anyone with the 5) Which of the following bands Achilles’ Heel? a) collect royalties for his eyeliner “test” (and I use the word loosely has Gene Simmons of KISS technique stolen by bands like Good here, folks) you’re about to mull unashamedly stolen from? a) The side of his face while back- Charlotte (see question #3) over here... or am I? You’re just stage in Arizona (three syllables: b) thank his lucky stars for landing DESIGNATED DALE gonna have to read on and see. a) New York Dolls pay-per-view) ex-Plugz drummer Charlie Quintana Nonetheless, go grab yourself a b) Alice Cooper b) The final and fatal bruise to that in the SD fold (Go, Chalo!) black pen, or whatever else you use c) Are you kidding?! Gene Simmons damaged ego of his (keyword: c) start wearing a “Have a Nice to write on all those public bathroom says he started both of these bands, “Misfits.” Watch the fun ensue) Day” smiley-face button on his gui- walls, and get ready for... as well as KISS! In fact, he’s deter- c) His heart (like any other human tar strap. Smiles are contagious! mined to believe that he created being, Glenn simply hungers for “OH, SHIT! I KNOW THIS rock’n’roll, too. Just ask him. love and understanding) 16) Which one of these SNL alum- ONE!” ni allegedly sat in live with the (AKA, “Fuck you, Dale. 6) The Controllers: 11) DIY is the age-old Dead Boys many moons ago? Only YOU would ask that”) acronym for: a) actually started out as an all-black a) Chevy Chase on rhythm guitar. 1) The Ramones were once pro- soul group from Alabama called The a) Do It Yiddish-Style (no worries, But Chevy pissed off Cheetah duced by an “innocent until Epics in 1965 yentas—it’s all kosher) Chrome by trying to usurp him on a proven guilty” entertainment b) included members who later went b) Do It Yourself lead break, thereby cutting the set burnout named: on to form bands such as The Gears c) Donkeys Internally Yeast-infected short from Chrome smashing his and Kaos guitar across Chase’s face. a) O.J. “Stab My Wife” Simpson c) both a & b 12) Hardcore reached its b) John Belushi on drums. Belushi b) Peter “Bullets ‘N Barretta” Blake culmination: jumped in during the “Blitz Benefit” c) Phil “The Pill” Spector 7) If Paul Westerberg (former at CBGB for Dead Boys drummer singer of the much-missed and a) when Davey Tiltwheel tested (ok, Johnny Blitz, who was in the hospi- 2) The Dickies: loved Replacements) decides to threw) part of an arcade game down tal mending some life-threatening travel around the world in eighty a bowling alley in Las Vegas stab wounds. a) are nowhere close to retiring days, it would take him approxi- b) inside the dank, moist interiors of c) Dan Akroyd on vocals. The Blues b) are sagging on the ass of all the mately how long? adult theatres in the 1970s showing Brothers skit might’ve flown on retarded Fred Durst wannabes at a) 80 days films featuring stars with names like SNL, but Bators and the rest of the OzzFest b) 160 days John Holmes and Linda Lovelace band weren’t having the schtick on c) have been signed to a PBS chil- c) Undetermined, due to Paul’s on- c) with bands like Minor Threat and their stage. He was promptly ejected dren’s show featuring Stuart, the going delusion that the world The Middle Class off the stage on his ass. magical penis hand puppet revolves around him 13) “X”: 17) You’re doing a show with The 3) If you consider the band Good 8) Besides being one of the first Riverboat Gamblers and they’ve Charlotte the best thing since and best bands from the burgeon- a) was a Spike Lee film often called finished their set. Your band’s next sliced bread, then: ing punk scene in L.A. many years Malcolm Ten by mistake and you set up. The last thought in ago, what else does Black Flag b) were a great band that made some your mind before you start your 4 continue to do today? time-tested LPs set is: a) “Why the hell are we headlining?” b) “Fuck.” c) “Man, that singer climbed about the stage like a spider monkey scaling a banana tree!”
18) What was God really doing on the 7th day? a) Penciling in the future birth date of one Ian Fraser Kilmister (Lemmy) for scheduled arrival on December 24, 1945, warts and all. Motörhead shall be done, amen. b) Going down his things- to-be-list and checking off the year 1974. That year will be the year of the very first rehearsal that will go on to form a band to change rock and roll forever—the Ramones. c) Both a & b
19) “Throw Rag” is a DESIGNATED DALE commonly used term for: a) a disgruntled female motorist who’s down to her last object to wing out her vehicle window towards her target of road rage dur- ing “that time of the month” b) yo’ momma c) rock and roll (not to be confused with “crap rock”—that would be “throwaway”)
20) Punk rock is: a) getting a swift kick in the ass from Art Fuentes b) whatever the fuck I say it is c) are you serious? Put a sock in it.
All done! The first person to email me all twenty cor- rect answers gets a cool prize that won’t be picked outta my nose, believe it, or not (I’ll use that to seal your envelope. How’s that grab yer ass?). All winning entries received thereafter get the finger because there’ll be no 2nd and 3rd place or “runners-up” jive happening. What do think this is? The lottery? Get movin’...
I’m Against It
–Designated Dale [email protected] “Rookie Sensation” Mike Wiebe of the Riverboat Gamblers, encouraging audience participation, one stumble at a time. (photo by Todd Taylor)
OO ZZ Y DDRREEAAMMSS LLII GGUUEERRRRIILLLLAA MMY
Illustration by Terry Rentzepis; www.alltenthumbs.com
My Day on KROQ desk feeling my ass gradually spread to encom- belt wearing, guitar-slinging sensitive lad the pass the whole of the cushioned swivel chair, next Bob Dylan, this was out of the question. slowly learning that even an ergonomic key- STAR 98.7 may have scored former KROQ jock I had been in the office for ten minutes and I board cannot prevent the onset of carpal tunnel Richard Blade for its flashback segments, but already knew that I was in for the sort of day syndrome. I spent the bulk of each day tran- outside of that, Ryan Seacrest’s understudies where minutes dripped like water from a leaky scribing fifteen-page letters filled with five-syl- offer useless celebrity gossip between tracks faucet. It was the Tuesday after Christmas, mid- lable orthopedic maladies, legal diagnoses, and from Dave Matthews and Alanis Morissette. way through an abbreviated workweek that numeric formulas that somehow translate into I turned to KROQ not because I liked the would serve as my last inside this drafty white the settlement offer over which all parties will music, not because I enjoyed the on-air banter, prison. I had already rummaged through the argue until the case goes to trial. The only thing but because it was my only connection to the office to find that my boss, an attorney who is that kept me from losing my mind to legalese I world outside of this office. Prior to the hiring of considered longwinded even by the standards of never wanted to understand was KROQ. the receptionist a few weeks prior, I was the his profession, had finished ten full-sized tapes Before entering this job, KROQ, the youngest person by twenty years. I had become of dictation before leaving for vacation, half of allegedly world famous commercial alternative the ears for rants on menopause and bombastic which were marked “RUSH” in fat red stamp station that inhabits the 106.7 frequency in Los speeches decrying the music of today as far infe- markings. His other secretary, who had only Angeles, and I had not been on speaking terms rior to that of 1974 (well, you know, except for been at the firm for a month, decided the day for about a decade. The best friend of my ado- U2). Inside this office, I was as much of an out- before that she would be taking off the rest of the
LIZ O lescence had dropped me, as well as countless sider as I was sixteen years prior, as a studious, week to go on a trip with her boyfriend. Those other misfit teenagers, for the popular crowd music-obsessed sixth grade student. And so, ten tapes, all of which contained a minimum of sometime in the early-1990s when Infinity trudging across the prog-rockery of Mars Volta’s five cases, were now mine. Broadcast Corporation invited the station to a new single, “The Widow,” I realized that I was I wheeled a cart piled high with five-years- party hosted by grungy metal bands of the waiting for KROQ to save me, like it did when I and-running workers’ compensation case files to Pacific Northwest. The slightly geeky, often- was a young girl. my desk, muttering curse words every time a times maudlin pop groups that called KROQ Strange as it may seem, I can still remember rubber band popped and legal pleadings spilled home were not invited and, consequently, nei- that exact moment when KROQ made a com- onto the floor. ther was I. pletely ordinary life seem slightly less pedestri- I looked around the office. This week, both To be honest, KROQ and I had yet to truly an. Sometime during the summer of 1988, we attorneys, the office manager, the paralegal and make amends. Our newly rekindled acquain- had been dragged cross-city to visit my dad’s the aforementioned new secretary were out on tanceship developed over necessity, not desire. friend and his family. The eldest of his daugh- vacation. The lead secretary and the file clerk Like every other radio in our office, mine could ters, who was probably fourteen or fifteen at the were sick. That left one hearing representative, only pick up three stations. K-EARTH 101, the time, noticed my INXS t-shirt. one recently hired receptionist, one other secre- oldies station, literally plays one Beatles song “You like INXS?” tary, and me. Theoretically, I could just not do every half-hour. Since the Beatles will always I nodded and grinned, conjuring an image of the work. Next week, my boss would rant in a provoke my ranting on the ways of Middle- Michael Hutchence striking a messianic pose, tone similar to Charles Schulz’s adults and I Aged White Male Music Journalists, who under- chestnut hair falling over his eye. Kick had been would be safe at home. estimate the influence of funk and soul, stick my favorite album of the previous year, an I smiled and turned on the radio. dance music in a gay ghetto, vilify Yoko Ono album that had only recently been surpassed by For the past year-and-a-half, I had sat at this and dub Connor Oberst and every other white- Depeche Mode’s Music for the Masses. “What else do you like?” Sitting in my office space, listening to “Slow talgia can halt the development of music, but “Depeche Mode and, um, other stuff like Hands” by Interpol, closely followed by a isn’t it also important to understand the past? that.” Killers track that sounds remarkably similar Wouldn’t fans of Postal Service like to be intro- “Oh, yeah. I’m going to see Depeche Mode Underworld’s late-1990s dance hit “Born duced to Chapterhouse? next week,” she beamed before turning on the Slippy,” I wondered if there are kids in Just as in adolescence, KROQ doesn’t mere- radio. “Do you listen to KROQ?” Northridge now who drop pens and gasp for air ly lay as a backdrop, it wraps its way around the “Huh?” To be honest, I had never heard of as though these songs could consume them. mundane activities of the day. I felt my body the station. I only knew Depeche Mode and By the time Kaiser Chief’s stomp over the twitch in annoyance as a co-worker rambled INXS because I watched a lot of MTV. “No, airwaves with “I Predict a Riot,” a bouncy about her holiday activities, thus breaking my actually, I listen to Power,” naming the station throwback to the Damned circa “New Rose,” I concentration on the Cure’s “Lovesong.” I that, at the time, was the home to every Hi NRG wonder if what I’m actually looking for is a learned to type in time to Franz Ferdinand’s dance beat produced. sense of nostalgia. Is it impossible for me to “Take Me Out” and the White Stripes’ “Seven “Oh, that’s a little too cha cha for me. actually listen to KROQ without constantly Nation Army” and wrote scathing notes to KROQ is really cool, though.” looking back at what it was in those years bridg- myself on Post Its as a response to Linkin Park “Yeah, you’re right.” I had absolutely no ing together the new wave 1980s and grunge and Jay Z’s heinous acknowledgement of the idea what cha cha meant, but I figured that it had 1990s? The station is definitely not what it was mash up trend. My foot released itself from the something to do with the gum-smacking, dirty- then, but these are different times. That KROQ pedal of the dictation machine and headphones dancing Catholic school girl, Cha Cha Di existed in an era before Internet radio stations automatically slipped out of place as I leaned Gregorio, from Grease. I deduced that she was and music blogs, before we could catch com- back to take in Radiohead’s “Karma Police.” I talking about Cha Cha’s 1988 incarnation, girls mercial-free stations on cable television sets and went back to my work only to stop again and who had hair so well-moussed that the curls satellite radios. At that point, radio in its tradi- dwell on how it has become impossible for me would make a crunching sound against the rus- tional form was the primary source for new to differentiate between the soaring, seemingly tle of the wind, who wore short-shorts and real- music. To think that teenagers now take diligent Thom Yorke-inspired vocals of Keane and Snow
turned to KROQ not because I liked the music, not because II enjoyed the on-air banter, but because it was my only connection to the world outside of this office.
ly big socks to roll along to the latest Samantha notes while wasting away days in suburban bed- Patrol, yet I can hum along to tracks from both. Fox single at Skateland on Saturdays. She was, rooms seems ludicrous in the age of ITunes, My It seems as though KROQ is making definite essentially, talking about my friends, the ones I Space and an endless list of Internet and satellite strides towards recapturing its golden era. secretly despised. These were girls who, by the radio broadcasts. KROQ’s current crop of hot Slightly more than ten years ago, KROQ com- age of eleven, had already learned that the way bands—Interpol, the Killers, Franz Ferdinand, pletely abandoned its longtime fans—artsy kids to get through life was to look cute and play the Shins, Postal Service, Muse—had large fol- who appreciated everything from punk to indus- dumb. At eleven, I was aware that I was too lowings far before receiving any airplay on the trial to shoegaze—to pander to the masses. gawky to ever be cute and too much of a loud- station, thanks to online music communities. KROQ was no longer an alternative, it was just mouth to ever successfully play dumb. I wasn’t Right now, KROQ, perhaps like every other an outlet for new, commercial rock. It shunned going to be like the other kids at my tiny, subur- commercial alternative station in the country, artists like Sleater Kinney and Pulp in favor of ban parochial school, so I might as well stop try- has gone from being a trendsetter to playing Stone Temple Pilots and Korn; Ladytron and the ing right now. Who needed friends anymore? I catch-up with the constant influx of new music. Faint for Good Charlotte and Hoobastank. had KROQ. Perhaps this is the station’s way of redeem- However, on this particular day, aside from a
During my middle school years, there were ing itself for the metal years, but playing catch- few major players, the rap-rock and mall punk LIZ O entire days spent listening to KROQ while scrib- up seems to be something that KROQ has done sounds of the popular crowd slowly fade in bling teenage prose into notebooks. If a song best in its Infinity era. This is a station that favor of sweet and jangly guitar pop and new pierced through my heart, I would stop to hold picked up on techno in the late-1990s after wave-inspired dance rock that makes for auto- my breath and drop my pen, only to pick it up unceremoniously dumping anything remotely matic teenage alienation. The station is still again to take notes when the DJ announced the electronic from its playlist following Nirvana’s miles away from the forefront of contemporary piece. The The’s “Kingdom of Rain,” the big break, that may still pat itself on the back for music and the chances of it ever closing in on Waterboys’ “Whole of the Moon,” Happy breaking Prodigy’s 1996 hit “Firestarter,” but today’s leaders are still fairly slim. The choppy, Mondays’ “Step On,” and Chapterhouse’s forgets that five years earlier, it was playing experimental dance rhythms of the Tigerbeat 6 “Pearl”—these were the songs that I sought “Charly.” And how many people actually gang and the house-inflected rock of DFA pro- because of KROQ. I developed passing relation- remember Metallica as part of KROQ’s regular ductions may never make it onto the 106.7 fre- ships with the salespeople at Tempo Records, rotation before it became the biggest band in the quency, but that’s okay. The station can still mostly college boys in Joy Division t-shirts, ask- world? Part of the problem with KROQ now is function as an entry point for kids searching for ing which Bauhaus album a Peter Murphy fan that it forgets its own history, a fact that becomes life outside of stifling suburbs. should buy first and whether Ride was a better painfully evident while listening to the KROQ and I grew apart years ago, like most purchase than Adorable. The radio became more Flashback Lunch. Even though the station has childhood friends do. As I furiously typed my than just a noise in the background; it became been operating in some form since at least the way through one of those rush tapes during the my guide. By thirteen, I was trying to steady my late-1970s, few songs during the forty-minute last hour of the workday, I came to the conclu- hand long enough to achieve Siouxsie eyes. I stretch were released prior to 1992. Where the sion that things between us would never be the had professed a declaration of celibacy until I radio station used to maintain a strong balance same, but there was no reason that KROQ and I met Morrissey, or at least obtained the Band-Aid of the old and new, outside of the Flashback couldn’t start to make amends. he wore over his nipple in the “November Lunch, alternative oldies are limited to the odd Spawned a Monster” video, or, at the very, very track from the Ramones, Beastie Boys or Social –Liz Ohanesian least, met a boy who could write songs for me Distortion and an occasional spin of the way that Robert Smith did for Mary. Dramarama’s “Anything, Anything.” Sure, nos- 9 DD NN LLAA UU RR Y MMIICCKK IIMM LLAAZZY JJ
DORK OF THE DANCE
I never wanted to be an Irish dancer. versations with girls on my own, but dance prac- Washington, D.C., St. Patrick’s Day Parade. I I’m not saying my parents held a gun to my tice opened up all kinds of opportunities to not suppose this sounds somewhat glamorous, but to head and forced me into it, but it sure as hell only talk to girls who went to other schools, but fully understand the scope of my horror you had wasn’t my idea. I didn’t even know what Irish to hold their hand during dances that involved to understand the uniform: dancing was. This was long before the multiple partners. These dances aren’t much dif- White dress shirt Riverdance craze swept across America and put ferent from square dancing, in that there’s lots of Green tie Irish dancing on the map. I’m pretty sure it was twirling and partner-switching, like porn only Green corduroy jacket with gold buttons something the older of my two younger sisters much more wholesome. We’d spend hours prac- Gold shawl fastened with gold brooch wanted to do, who was into anything that ticing an eight-person reel and I’d eagerly antic- Black dance shoes involved a stage and being the center of atten- ipate the three or four seconds I spent holding Green knee socks tion, which, in retrospect, is probably a good hands with whatever girl, usually someone much Gold kilt thing she got out of her system before she turned older, I had a crush on at the time. It never went That’s right, a kilt, and there’s nothing a pre- eighteen. Nevertheless, if I knew then what I any farther than that, but those few seconds were adolescent boy wants to do less than spend St. know now, there’s no way in hell I would have almost worth all the humiliation I would soon Patrick’s Day prancing around the horse manure been an Irish dancer. endure. on Constitution Avenue in a gold fucking kilt. Every Monday after school me, my brother, I grew up in an intensely Irish-American Once, the year my father was named Irishman of and my two sisters would pile into the baby-blue household. My father was a member of a million the Year, I had to be in the fucking thing twice: Ford LTD station wagon and drive to the organizations and committees involved in Irish once with my dance school, and again with my Knights of Columbus in Arlington, Virginia, for cultural affairs. From elaborate black-tie dinners father. The actual parade wasn’t so bad, but get- two hours of dance practice at the O’Neil-James to Irish festivals, dance competitions to regattas ting to the staging area beforehand and back to School of Irish Dance. I’ll never forget the first held in multiple cities, my father was a compul- the LTD afterwards was a nightmare. Black kids practice. Our dance teacher, Laureen James, a sive organizer. My mother was a talented would check us out, wide-eyed with astonish- bona fide Irish woman with a pronounced embroiderer who made clothes, costumes, and ment, and turn to their mothers to ask: brogue and a dancer’s carriage, had just had her various Irish-themed knick-knacks like wall “Momma, why that boy wearing a dress?” white blonde hair permed and I couldn’t get over hangings with sayings like “Cad Mille Failtre” If I heard it once, I heard a thousand times. the smell. Every time she came near me I want- (“One hundred thousand welcomes”) or political Why, indeed? I asked myself the same question ed to gag. That night I told my mother I didn’t slogans like “Up the Border!” She even pub- over and over again, but I never came up with an want to go back. lished an Irish arts and crafts book. On Saturday answer that satisfied my parents. I wanted to quit “Why?” mornings, the Ruland clan would wake up, and Irish dancing, and when I told my father the rea- “The teacher stinks.” to inspire us with our chores my father would son why, figuring that he of all people would “Mrs. James is a very good teacher.” put rebel songs on the turntable so that the understand, he dismissed my complaint. “She makes me sick.” Wolfetone’s Ronnie Drew’s gravelly voice bel- “It’s your heritage, boy. Suck it up.” My mother thought I was being a smart ass lowed songs like “The Men behind the Wire” “Then you wear the dress.” and sent me back the next week and I was into every freaking corner of the house. There “It’s not a dress, it’s a kilt, and if you talk to relieved to discover the weird smell was gone. was simply no getting away from it. In fact, right me in that tone of voice again, I’ll clean your With that out of the way, I actually was able to around the time that we started taking Irish clock.” focus on the dancing, which was remarkably dance lessons, my parents started hosting Irish We had that conversation exactly once, and easy. I’d been listening to traditional Irish music music lessons in our house, which, of course, we though my father never cleaned my clock, I’m all my life, so that wasn’t a problem. I knew the were forced to take. I learned to play the tin holding it in reserve for that day when my par- difference between a jig and a reel by the time I whistle, which is a kind of flute (and you ents, the judge, or head nurse at whatever detox was ten. Even if you don’t know the music, if thought your childhood was rough). There’s a unit I eventually end up in, calls me on my shit: you can keep time and count to seven, you can truism in Ireland that holds that some Irish- “My parents made me wear a dress and learn how to be an Irish dancer. Rhythm isn’t Americans are “More Irish than the Irish.” My march in parades!” essential. Actually, a lack of rhythm is sort of an parents were all that and then some: they were (Did I wear anything under the kilt? You bet asset because in traditional Irish solo dances the Irish Nazis. your ass I did. I wore underwear and gold soccer dancer keeps his hands straight down at his sides The thing about the O’Neil-James School of shorts. I was twelve, you pervs.) and his eyes straight ahead. The legs do all the Irish Dance is that not only were we expected to If I thought dancing in front of thousands of work. Whether you’re dancing a jig, a reel, or a take lessons and practice what we’d learned, we strangers in a kilt was humiliating, it was noth- hornpipe, the idea is to cover as much ground as were expected to perform, and not just in ing like having to dance in full regalia before the possible with your legs while your upper body recitals. We performed in summer festivals, entire student body at St. James Elementary, resembles a soldier standing at attention. It was- Christmas pageants, you name it. Things really where I went to school. If it weren’t for Freddy n’t nearly as difficult as, say, break dancing, and ramped up during the month of March and we and Robbie, Mrs. James hulking sons, I never I mastered the basics very quickly. I was actual- performed one or two times a night during St. would have survived the experience.
JIM RULAND ly pretty good at it, but that’s not why I kept at Patrick’s Day week. Some of the shows were The James brothers made it okay to be an it. I came back for the girls. small affairs: dancing for a room full of senior Irish dancer. Freddy was a high school freshman The girls outnumbered the guys by a factor citizens at a retirement home. Other shows were at Bishop Denis J. O’Connell who played foot- of seven to one. Some were younger, some were sold-out performances for thousands and thou- ball and soccer. Robby was in my grade at St. older, but there were a plethora of cuties. I was sands of people in concert halls and amphithe- James and while he wasn’t one of the cool kids, way too retarded to initiate con- aters. The pinnacle of all this was the he was strong and fast, and everyone was a little 10 bit afraid of him. I once watched him catch a line in Virginia, D.C., Delaware, and upstate New trousers—fucking trousers. I became one of drive barehanded and, like a dinosaur, it took York. I hated these events the same way that all those assholes who rambles and rages in bar- him a full minute before the blow registered and kids hate doing things that involve spending rooms with rants that all began, “Back in the he felt any pain. The batter was so pissed he every second of every hour of every day with day…” My chief preoccupation, of course, was went back to the dugout choking back tears. No your family, much of it in a station wagon. the kilt problem. In my imagination Irish danc- one ever gave them shit for being Irish The feis itself wasn’t so bad even though ing and kilts went together like pancakes and dancers—at least not to their face—so by they were all pretty much the same. Michael maple syrup. One without the other invalidated default, I, too, was spared. Flatley, the OLD (Original Lord of the Dance), the entire formula. Ergo, what these men were The James brothers were two of the best was often one of the judges. My sister was elat- doing up on the stage wasn’t Irish dancing, it dancers in the state, way better than my brother ed if she won and would cry if she lost. My was something else. In other words, real Irish or I. They had a dance studio in their house and brother and I killed time by marshalling kids to dancers wore kilts. practiced all the time, something I seldom did play two-hand touch football or pick-up basket- I’ve mellowed somewhat since then. unless I was actually at dance class. Plus, their ball games. There weren’t nearly as many boys Enough time has gone by that I can recall some mom was the teacher. I suppose they could have as there were girls and while my sister was memories without the sharp sting of regret. been great, if it wasn’t for the James family’s going up against double-digit competition, there Whenever someone screwed up in the middle of
There's nothing a pre-aadolescent boy wants to do less than spend St. Patrick's Day prancing around the horse manure on Constitution Avenue in a gold fucking kilt.
other passion: disco dancing. This end of the were seldom more than a handful of boys for me a routine and they bolted back into step, every- operation was spearheaded by Fred Sr. who to compete against. Imagine a bunch of sullen one laughed with relief that the first mistake had looked like a football coach but was not in the pre-teens in the hot summer sun wearing jackets, been made and the audience didn’t have a clue. least bit afraid to shake his groove thing in poly- ties, knee socks, and kilts. I managed to at least There were a few times when my brother, both ester pants that flared at the feet and were tight place in nearly every competition I entered. sisters, and me were all performing in the same everywhere else. Every once in a while our Somehow I won over sixty medals and trophies dance. I learned to like the sound of my medals dance class would be held at the James’s house without ever being very good. jingling on my jacket. Sometimes I dream I am and I would catch the tail end of a lesson for that Each year, as I grew older and moved up the onstage, taking a bow, awash in applause. But JIM RULAND other kind of dancing. It was too mortifying for rankings, there were fewer and fewer people to what I love most is the music. When bands like words. I could be coerced into wearing green compete against. I started to recognize the other Flogging Molly, Blood or Whiskey or the knee socks and a gold kilt on the streets of dancers. Toward the end of my run, there was Tossers draw from traditional arrangements, I Washington, D.C., but I would have rather died only three or four of us left, and everyone pre- recognize them instantly, and when I do go to than disco. I’m still not sure which would have sent, from my parents in the crowd to the musi- Irish street fairs and festivals, I can tell the dif- been worse, disco dancing badly or giving an cians on the stage, knew I didn’t stand a chance. ference between a jig and a reel in a heartbeat. earnest effort. My teen years were coming on like gangbusters My hands instinctively come together and my Once it became obvious that my sister was a and I was getting to be more of a pain in the ass feet start tapping to the beat. All music, after all, really good Irish dancer, and I mean champi- to be around, especially when I was doing some- whether if it’s being blared out of a cheap boom onship level, they decided to enter her in an Irish thing I didn’t want to do and had no chance of box or played on a stage, is dance music. dance competition, which was known as a feis. getting better at. It was time to hang it up. True to form, if one of the clan was doing it, we I forgot all about Irish dancing for a while, –Jim Ruland all did it, so every summer we piled into the but then Michael Flatley and Riverdance came LTD and drove up and down the eastern roaring onto the scene, and I was pissed. The seaboard to compete against other dance schools women were hotter than hot, and the gents wore 11 OO AATT EERR PP MM II 9900880033 NN AAYY Next to the Junior High Spring Dance... and playing with our wiener dog, doing cocaine with a bunch of older guys, who very well might be cute, seemed very tempting. forgot to shave and slurred a little the movies with Cathy and Gina, “What’s your name?” he asked Hanging on the when he spoke, and we wondered and playing with our wiener dog, “Jenni,” I said. Tiger Phone what was really in that coffee mug doing cocaine with a bunch of older “Jenni,” he repeated. “So where on his desk. Or the prissy English guys, who very well might be cute, do you live?” he asked. It was the decade of the novelty teacher who rang a bell when class seemed very tempting. “I’m not gonna tell you that!” I phone. The ‘80s. Telephones began, and how Bryan Meyer glued “Come on, it’ll be fun.” joked. I was foolish, but not com- popped up everywhere in every that bell to her desk that one day. “What about Joe?” I asked, pletely stupid. I grasped at a shred shape imaginable—donut shapes, About who smoked in the football genuinely concerned. of caution. red phones shaped like a pair of field after school. Which boys “Fuck Joe.” “Okay,” he said. lips. Mickey Mouse phones, with allegedly stuck their hands up your Fuck Joe, I repeated in my “So how was your party the Mickey holding the receiver in his shirt when they made out. We head. other night?” little gloved hand. Phones trimmed talked about boys in our grade we “So, how old are you?” It final- “It was fun. A couple people with an actual neon light. Polka dot. absolutely did not have a crush on, ly occurred to me to ask. came over. One girl brought a bot- Cat-shaped. There was even some- which of course were the ones we “How old are you?” he asked tle of wine. We did the blow.” A thing for jocks—a brown, football- wanted. But boys didn’t really call back. bottle of wine. I thought he must be shaped phone. A car phone in the on the phone at that age. They were “Sixteen,” I lied. It sounded a pretty classy eighteen-year-old. ‘80s was a telephone fashioned in too shy and awkward, or just not like a respectably mature age. “I just watched Moonlighting,” the shape of an actual car that interested in girls enough yet. “Sixteen, huh?” he said. I said. roared like an engine when some- But one day a boy did call. It “What about you?” “Hmmm.” one called, instead of rang. was a wrong number. “Is Joe “Oh, I’m around eighteen. “Did pre-algebra homework. There was innocence in those there?” the voice asked. We’re all around that.” You know, boring stuff. What about novelty phones. Phones with bright “Um, no.” “Well I don’t think I can come you?” plastic buttons. Phones with spiral “Are you sure?” He read off my over tonight. I have to go to school “I just got home from work.” AYN IMPERATO cords that connected to the wall, so phone number. in the morning. Early.” And I did. It “Where do you work?” you had to stay in one room to talk. “Yea, that’s mine. No Joe here was Sunday night. “At this health club in We were tied to the relative securi- though.” “Okay. You’re missing out!” he Wayons.” ty of our homes if we wanted to talk “That’s weird. I’m having this kidded. “What do you do there?” to someone. There was something little party, see? Just a little get “Yeah, I’m sure. Well, I gotta “You don’t want to hear about safe in that, in talking to some- together, and Joe’s supposed to go.” my work. That’s boring stuff.” one—a stranger even—in your bring over the beer.” “All right.” “Okay.” home on a Mickey Mouse phone. “Yea, that sucks.” “Bye,” I said, and hung up the I talked to Ron several times a For my thirteenth birthday, I “I guess I’ll have to go to the tiger receiver. I thought about it for week—he called often, but not received the greatest present of my store myself. Unless I can get in a minute. Then didn’t think about it every day. Talking to him was like life up until that point in time—my touch with Joe.” too much for the rest of the night. talking to my diary. He seemed own phone. It was a plastic donut- “Uh huh.” genuinely interested in my boring, shaped, tiger-striped phone. The top “At least I have the coke The next night I got another adolescent life of Bubblicious, half of the circle lifted off and on though.” call. “Who’s this?” I asked. I had video games, and school hall ban- the bottom half were the tiny white “The coke?” forgotten about the wrong number ter. He had an older guy perspec- buttons. I thought it was cool and “Yea, do you do coke?” call from the night before. tive. I’d never had a brother and he rock and roll, in a very Van Halen- I had. Drank Coke. That after- “Hi,” he said. would flatter me and make me feel guitar-magazine sort of way. I lived noon, actually. But I knew that was- “Who is this?” I asked again. not so awkward and unsure of in a small town. n’t what he meant. “It’s Ron.” everything. Plus, I thought he might Looking back, this was proba- “Uh yeah,” I lied. “Sure.” “Ron?” be cute. He sounded cute, and bly also a gift my mom gave to her- “Well you can come over if you “From last night. Remember, seemed very polite and mature for self, so she wouldn’t have to watch want,” he paused, “and do some we talked last night?” his age. And he did fun adult things me sit in the kitchen for hours, lis- with us.” “Oh, yeah.” like drink, do coke, and host small tening to me gabbing with friends Hmmmm. I thought for a “Yeah, sorry to bother you. You parties. about the inane crap thirteen-year- minute. Something was actually just seemed like a nice person. I “So what do you like to do with old girls talk about. I could talk in happening. I’d never been invited thought maybe we could be boys?” he asked one day. the privacy of my room. It was on to a guy’s house to do coke before. friends.” “I dunno,” I said. I didn’t have Christmas that I received the sec- “I don’t know,” I said, and for a “Oh, thanks.” I was surprised. much experience to draw on. I told ond greatest gift: my own, local- brief moment I actually didn’t A little nervous about talking to a him about kissing Paul Saunders at only phone line. To free up the reg- know. I knew it was dumb to go to stranger on the phone—it was the roller skating rink in 7th grade, ular phone line for important adult a stranger’s house. Especially a against everything I had been told. but how he ended up dating Leslie stuff. And to give me, a growing strange guy who had called me out But I was flattered. And bored with Griffendorfer. The kiss had been young girl, a little privacy. of the blue. But on the other hand, it my math homework. He didn’t mushy, wet. It left me feeling noth- I spent nights talking to girl- was the most exciting proposition seem like a crank caller. Just a nice, ing, except maybe disappointment friends about school drama—the I’d received all year. Next to the friendly guy who called the wrong at the absence of feeling, but I did- 12 math teacher who Junior High Spring Dance, going to number. n’t tell him that. “You never think about doing “How about the Wayon train At the station I parked the bike dirty, but not styled. Not like any- anything else?” he pushed. station?” down the block. Walking up to the thing. His body wasn’t in bad shape “Uh, I don’t know,” I said. “I “That’s pretty close to my yellow station, I thought about for an old guy. But I saw it on his guess I do.” house,” he said. adult things I could talk about. I’d face when I passed—loneliness. I “Like what do you think The Wayon train station was a make up some scenario about walked as nonchalantly as I could about?” bit of a bike ride for me, but I still drinking behind the schoolyard past him, down the stairs that led to “I don’t know. Being in a hot wasn’t sure I wanted him to know with a bunch of guys. Yeah. That the street again. When I hit the tub.” I was grasping at straws, where I lived. The train station was was it. I’d talk about how my street I walked faster, then ran. I thinking of something he might like a place where I could walk by, see friends and I threw parties with fumbled the lock on my bike, to hear. him first, and then say hello without beer. Beer and hot tubs. How I had hopped on, and peddled away as “A hot tub, huh. What would him knowing it was me for sure. just gotten my driver’s license but fast as my thirteen-year-old legs you do in there?” “What time?” he asked. couldn’t afford a car yet. How I was could. “Um, drink some wine,” I “How about three o’clock.” anything except being thirteen. I was not ready for this. This paused, flushing. “Naked.” “Saturday at three?” My legs were shaking as I disappointment. I thought about my “Well I have a hot tub,” he said. “Okay, I’ll come to the station walked up the stairs. There were a meaningless kiss with Paul, and “Really?” Saturday at three,” I agreed. “How few people on the platform. I now this.
“Yea. Come over and I’ll show will I know what you look like?” walked slowly by them. And then When I got home I didn’t want AYN IMPERATO it to you.” “I’ll wear black shorts. I have there, at the end of the platform, I to go in my own room. When the “Maybe sometime.” sandy-blond hair.” saw him. He was wearing black tiger phone rang I tried to ignore it, “Okay, see you then.” shorts, with longish sandy blond but it wouldn’t stop. I hung out with “So when are you gonna come On Saturday, I went to get my hair that covered his face. Then he my mom in the kitchen. I spoke to over?” he asked one day. He had bike from the garage. It was a blue looked up and the hair pulled back her with genuine interest for possi- started asking that a lot. Schwinn with a white plastic basket from his face. My heart seized. He bly the first time all year—about “Uh, I don’t know.” on the front. The basket had little was at least forty-five years old. A anything but that. I would never tell “Why don’t you come over on pink plastic flowers on it. I was creepy chill spread up my ankles, her about Ron. I wanted her to the weekend, when you don’t have suddenly embarrassed of the bike. up the back of my legs and through believe and to convince her I was school?” It was a kid’s bike and I was meet- the rest of my body. Still, I walked still thirteen inside. But I felt older I was still tentative. He was ing a teenage guy, to drink and towards him. I wanted to see him that day. From downstairs I could nice and polite to me on the phone, maybe do coke and possibly even up close. I walked quickly past, just hear it ringing. I never answered. but I still knew it was a risky thing make out. Yet it was all I had. I moving my eyes towards him as I The phone rang and rang. to do. could park it down the block and reached his side of the bench. His “Let’s meet somewhere first,” I walk up to the station, so he would- face looked flat and wrinkled, yet –Ayn Imperato said. n’t see the bike. Yeah, that would peaceful as he quietly read a news- “Okay. Where?” work. I got on and rode. paper. His hair was longish, not O DDO A RRA AA LLVV AA LANNEE YY A LLIITTTTLLEE AAIIRRPPLA MM II’’MM A IIMM JJ
It is ironic that, for all of its talk of freedom, democracy, and self-determination for all, the Bush administration has shown reluctance in allowing other countries to exercise the concepts it champions.
process, she wanted to participate. We watched the last twenty-four hours, and would be there to POSTCARDS the results that night, marveling at the drama of take up the fight again in four years. one of the closest presidential races in American FROM THE CULTURAL history unfolding, and wondering aloud how Lunching in DMZ-Land someone as incredibly inept as Bush was able to REVOLUTION garner enough popularity to have even the I dreamt about war the weekend before slightest chance of winning. Christmas. The streets were littered with K-rails As it became clear that, through a variety of (those big concrete blocks they use to barricade The Mother of all Hangovers means, he had managed to do what seemed to streets) and people were running helter-skelter to happen only in other countries—rigging the avoid advancing tanks. Distant fighters strafed My wife, Karla, and I spent election night election—I saw Karla’s optimism melt first into unseen targets and stealth bombers laid waste to 2004 in college classes. As we turned the shock, then to disillusionment, with the entire houses dotting the foothills of the San Gabriel Reseda/Nordhoff corner near school, we saw process. She talked about it ultimately being no Mountains. It was so vivid it took a moment for Bush supporters and Kerry supporters—many of different than where she came from, of how sim- me to realize when I awoke that I had been them college students—staking out adjacent cor- ilar tactics—preventing access to the polls, voter sleeping. ners, yelling at each other, trying to get people to intimidation, creative counting methods—were Later that morning, Karla and I had an early honk in support of their respective candidates standard operational procedure there, before and lunch with her brother David, who was visiting and generally celebrating what was probably for after the revolution. She added that the election from Nicaragua. Both had lived through that many of them their first active participation in results shouldn’t surprise us, since the Bush country’s revolution in the late ‘70s, which the American election process. The radio had family had perfected their election tampering resulted in the deposition of the last in a long been reporting almost since the polls opened that skills in Latin American countries. As jaded as line of U.S. puppet dictators surnamed Somoza a variety of problems had manifested at polling she seemed, though, the truth was that she didn’t and the Sandinista government becoming the places across the country—inordinately long think it could happen here. country’s ruling power. Karla had often spoke of lines in heavily minority and/or democratic It literally seemed like a dark cloud had the things she had seen as a six-year-old child precincts; widespread electronic voting machine descended on the country and, as I later watched living in the midst of a nation coming apart at its malfunctions, including computers that gave Bush’s limo being pelted with eggs as he rode to seams—bodies piled up and hauled away in mil- JIMMYvotes ALVARADO to Bush no matter for whom the vote was claim his inaugural spoils, I was reminded of so itary trucks to common graves, stray bullets cast; and, in apparent homage to the 2000 elec- many hangovers I had subjected myself to for so whizzing above her through a window, the bomb tion, another round of questionable voter purge many years—the queasy feeling that refused to crater in their home, tanks. lists in Florida. The alternative press later report- go away, the overall sense of impending doom. While they did speak of that war, more of ed notable discrepancies between exit polls and This, however, felt like the mother of all hang- the morning’s conversation concentrated on the counts in precincts that had utilized electron- overs, one that was being felt by millions of oth- post-revolutionary Nicaragua, a place Karla left ic voting devices. On this election night, howev- ers besides me, one that was going to take more three months after Somoza fell and hasn’t er, hope was clearly visible on the faces of both than a Tecate and a bowl of menudo to fix. returned to since. David spoke of a country sets of people lining the corner. Still, despite the experience four years ago, where the promise of revolution gave way to the I had seen a similar zeal in Karla’s eyes four we both got up early this election day and head- combined reality of political corruption, years of years earlier. I thought of the new-citizen opti- ed to the polls to vote, hoping for the best and crippling economic sanctions and the effects of a mism my then-girlfriend had that last election as expecting the worst. As expected, the same covert war with the “contras,” a counter-revolu- she voted for the first time, after twenty years of tricks used in the last election were used again, tionary army funded and trained by the United residency. I thought of her belief then that her eliciting the same result. I looked at Karla sitting States. vote mattered, that it was a privilege and duty on our couch and watching Kerry concede, dis- When the conversation turned to the contro- for which she reluctantly gave up her illusioned again—albeit not as severely as four versy surrounding the recent U.S. elections, Nicaraguan citizenship. She wrote an article years ago—and amazed that, after four years of David recounted working on Nicaragua’s 1990 about it in the LA Times Magazine back then, outright lies, unnecessary war, recession, mas- election, one he described as rife with tamper- describing the implications of becoming a natu- sive national debt, the PATRIOT Act, tortured ing. Among other things, ballots would turn up ralized citizen of a country that had annihilated prisoners, violations of almost every line of the missing, he said, only to be found later scattered the hopes of her homeland. The magazine Bill of Rights, and a total mangling of the on the streets, and it couldn’t be determined if received a few angry letters, attacking this for- English language, George Bush had again taken the ballots had already been counted or stolen eigner who had the audacity to feel anything the election, amazingly coming off as more beforehand. Bush Sr.’s administration did its other than blind allegiance for her new country. “moral” than his opponent. As I looked at her, I part to sway the elections as well, openly I was proud of her because she had bucked the remembered those college kids we had seen the endorsing candidate Violeta Chamorro, funnel- voting trend that seemed to be the norm for vot- night before. I hoped that they, like Karla, would ing millions of dollars in “aid” for the elections ers our age and younger. Instead of raising an not be discouraged by what had happened over and, according to Joe DeRaymond’s article, apathetic middle finger to the entire electoral “Democracy in El Salvador,” threatening that A similar problem with computerized voting that weekend. When the U.S. delegates at its the “the [Nicaraguan] economy would continue systems would come into play in the U.S. presi- “diplomatic mission” in Havana (so named to be ravaged if they kept the Sandinistas in dential election this past November, and the because the U.S. and Cuba have no diplomatic power.” Ultimately, though, the ousting of the reports of democrat voter forms being tossed relations and, thus, there is no U.S. official con- Sandinistas and the election of Chamorro was a into the trash by republicans at voter registration sulate in Cuba) put up Christmas lights with the grudge vote, he said, because the Sandinistas events, the placement of Bush campaign leaders number “75” in the middle to highlight the num- had reinstated conscription (mandatory enroll- to oversee the election process in key states, ber of political dissidents the Cuban government ment for national service) and the country was more than one inference that the election of had imprisoned, the Cubans demanded that the tired after a decade of per- offending display be petual war. Several removed. When the U.S. Sandinista leaders diplomats refused, the responded to the loss, to Cubans responded by quote writer Jon Cloke, by erecting a display of its stealing “everything that own in front of the mis- wasn’t nailed down,” sion—a billboard with including prime housing images of prisoners tor- and land. Not that such tured by the U.S. military nonsense was solely a at Iraq’s Abu Ghraib Sandinista trait, for each prison, a swastika, a “made subsequent presidential in the U.S.A.” stamp, and administration (not to men- the word “fascist” figuring tion nearly a century of prominently. Leave it to U.S.-backed Somoza Castro to make a point administrations) has been even U.S. democrats are accused of rampant corrup- reluctant to make. tion. These topics peppered Constant in recent our conversation that Nicaraguan politics has morning. I looked at our been the Bush family’s surroundings and marveled presence in them. In addi- at the juxtaposition—I was tion to the Reagan/Bush sitting with two people, administrations’ open hos- who as children had tility toward the Sandinista watched their country government and their not- implode, eating lunch and so-covert support for the talking of past and current contras, the current Bush elections, Castro, and overt ALVARADO JIMMY Administration directly hypocrisy in U.S. foreign pressured Nicaragua’s con- policy at one of the biggest servative party during the symbols of American 2001 elections to withdraw imperialism: Downtown its candidate to ensure Disney. stronger support for the My father, a Korean one chosen by the U.S., War veteran and simulta- again provided $5.6 mil- neously patriotic citizen lion to “assist” in the elec- and fierce government crit- tions, and, according to ic, taught me that the great- British newspaper The est thing about America Guardian, U.S. State was the freedom to openly Department spokesman disagree with the govern- Lino Guzman “made it ment’s actions. Until clear in a barely coded recently, I have always felt address to the American comfortable doing just chamber of commerce in that, be it via participating Managua that the U.S. in political demonstrations, would not look kindly on writing articles, or playing the Sandinistas’ re-emer- in a punk band. People got gence,” inferring that the killed for comparable U.S. would revert to a actions where Karla and 1980s stance toward David came from. Yet, Nicaragua and wreak after the erosion of so havoc on its economy by many civil liberties, after again imposing sanctions so many quasi-fascist should the Sandinistas win. Illustrations by Keith Rosson - www.keithrosson.com speeches peppered with Florida governor Jeb Bush even took out a full- opponent John Kerry would result in more ter- religious paraphrases like “Either you’re with us page ad in Nicaraguan paper La Prensa to say rorist attacks on the U.S., and employing a vari- or you’re with the terrorists,” after so many hor- his brother George supported right-wing candi- ety of means to minimize minority voting ror stories of people disappearing for merely date Enrique Bolaños and that “[former demonstrates that the Bush administration has looking like someone who could be related to Nicaraguan president and Sandinista candidate] learned well from previous experiments in elec- someone who might be associated with shady Daniel Ortega is an enemy of everything the tion tampering in Nicaragua and elsewhere. people, I could not help but feel paranoid as we United States represents. Further, he is a friend It is ironic that, for all of its talk of freedom, sat in “the happiest place on earth,” speaking of of our enemies. Ortega has a relationship of democracy, and self-determination for all, the things that could realistically result in a con- more than thirty years with states and individu- Bush administration has shown reluctance in cerned citizen calling the FBI or Operation Tips als who shelter and condone international terror- allowing other countries to exercise the concepts to report three suspicious foreigners. I wondered ism.” With regards to the voting itself, problems it champions. Some U.S. actions in Iraq even if this was how dissenters felt as they sat in arose with the computers used to count the bal- run in direct opposition to those concepts, a Berlin’s cafés before Hitler really got his groove lots. point made glaring by the Cuban government going. 15 was effectively shocked and awed. I was unnerved at the remembrance of my dream of two weeks earlier. This, however, felt like the A lot has happened since New Year’s morn- ing. In addition to claiming his reelection as a mother of all hangovers, one that political carte blanche to do whatever he feels, was being felt by millions of Bush says that the time to hold anyone account- able for mistakes with regards to his war on others besides me, one that was Iraq has passed. “We had a time for account- ability,” he has proclaimed, “and it was called going to take more than a Tecate and the 2004 elections.” a bowl of menudo to fix. The senate has confirmed Condoleezza Rice, one of Bush’s chief liars and co-conspira- tors in his war of empire, to the cabinet position of secretary of state. They are expected to con- firm Alberto Gonzalez, who Bush described in a CNN article as a man who “has an unwaver- ing principle of respect for the law,” for the position of attorney general. While acting as counsel when Bush was governor of Texas, Gonzalez provided fifty-seven memos that were often little more than briefs citing the case for execution, rather than balanced summaries
JIMMY ALVARADO providing both arguments regarding cases of death row prisoners seeking clemency from the governor. As chief White House counsel, he was the person responsible for stonewalling any probes into Vice-President Cheney’s secret meetings with energy corporations, and provid- ed the administration with arguments that it had the right to bypass the Geneva Conventions (which he deemed “quaint”) and anti-torture laws regarding prisoners of war, paving the way for the detention and treatment of prisoners at places like Guantanamo Bay and Abu Ghraib. Republicans are using Gonzalez’ ethnic back- ground to their advantage, rightfully thinking their opposition is afraid to risk being tagged as racists unwilling to let a Mexican of humble beginnings become the first Hispanic in history elected to a cabinet position. Rice and Gonzalez replacing Colin Powell—who lied both to his superiors in the ‘60s about evidence of mas- sacres in Vietnam and to the UN about evidence about Iraq’s “weapons of mass destruction”— and John Ashcroft, champion of the PATRIOT Act and ultra-right Jesus freak so reviled in his own state that he lost his senate seat to a dead man, leaves one to wonder which is the lesser of two evils in this case. On a whim, I looked up “conservatism” on MSN’s Encarta Encyclopedia, which defined it as, “a general state of mind that is averse to rapid change and innovation and strives for bal- ance and order, while avoiding extremes.” Didn’t quite seem to fit the Bush administra- tion, so I looked up “fascism.” It gives a lot of history of the political concept, its origins and such, but two things struck me as interesting: 1) fascist groups don’t necessarily have to be racist; 2) although they may vary, “all forms of fascism have three common features: anti-con- servatism, a myth of ethnic or national renewal, As we left, I noticed that some sections of astride an equally massive steed, his arm out- and a conception of a nation in crisis.” street leading into Downtown Disney had been stretched with sword pointed forward. From the With regards to “anti-conservatism,” while cordoned off with K-rails, like some parody of float came Wagner’s “Ride of the Valkyrie,” fascist movements supposedly strive to retain a demilitarized zone. made famous as the song used to “scare the shit some of the nation’s better features, they are outta the gooks” in Coppola’s Apocalypse Now. actually more interested in creating “a new type Fighters, Floats and Fascists As it stood there, belching from its insides this of total culture in which values, politics, art, classical piece written by Hitler’s favorite com- social norms, and economic activity are all part Karla and I found ourselves in Pasadena poser/anti-Semite and waiting to conquer of a single organic national community.” The two weeks later, watching the Rose Parade Colorado Boulevard, a stealth bomber, the so-called neoconservative movement, which from the front yard of one of her business jewel of the military’s arsenal, soared directly the Bush administration heads, has demonstrat- clients. On the street in front of us stood the over us and the float and headed off toward the ed a desire to radically change the cultural face of America by altering or eradicating a number 16 first float, a massive knight San Gabriel mountains. The crowd around us of its traditions, some dating from alism, individualism, materialism, enemies. Fascists promise that with What has transpired at the the country’s inception. Some of and communism. In general, fas- their help the national crisis will hands of the Bush administration is their efforts include erasing the cists stand against all scientific, end and a new age will begin that a new American revolution. It is a separation between church and economic, religious, academic, restores the people to a sense of cultural revolution led by a dema- state, subverting the Constitution, cultural, and leisure activities that belonging, purpose, and great- gogue with messianic delusions doing their best to eradicate social do not serve their vision of nation- ness.” With the help of the corpo- who has surrounded himself with service programs and other sym- al political life.” Having long rate media (as well as paid journal- some of the most morally bankrupt bols of “big government” while lamented the erosion of America’s ists and, as evidenced by the Jeff individuals ever to hold office, and ramping up the military, and giving moral, religious and empirical past, Gannon/Talon News debacle, even the whole lot of them truly believe a series of breaks to the country’s neoconservatives and their allies in fake ones), the Bush administration their cause is just and will let noth- richest few at the expense of the the religious right have chosen to has gone to great lengths to trum- ing stand in their way of taking rest of the population. Although flex their newfound political clout pet the weakness and vulnerability over the minds, and the economic they claim to aspire to an idealized by waging war on anything and of the U.S. after eight years under resources, of the rest of the world. America of yore, their ultimate anyone that runs contrary to their lax democratic rule, and believes I believe in the power of goal is a new society shaped by a social agenda. One need look no that only through its strengthening dreams, even bad ones, to some- radical strain of Christian funda- further than the skewed sense of of the military, a rollback of civil times come true. As I watched mentalism, and they wish to propa- “patriotism” they promulgate— liberties, exploitation of other Bush’s limousine pelted with eggs gate it via the media, the arts, anyone who does not buy wholly countries and their natural as it carried him to once again “faith-based” programs, and the into their agenda is branded a trai- resources, the total eradication of claim his inaugural spoils, I military. tor—or their attacks on immigra- all enemies foreign and domestic, thought of how much the country Although they seek revolution- tion, women’s rights, evolution, and the indoctrination of rest of the had changed due to his actions, and ary change, fascist movements prayer in school, critics of their world, either by economic or mili- not those of the dreaded bogeyman place emphasis on “a myth of eth- policies, homosexuality, the arts, tary force, to their brand of democ- “terrorists” he invokes to frighten nic or national renewal,” harkening liberals, former allied countries, racy, and a steady stream of bald- the population into submission. back to some perceived golden era freedom of speech, characters on faced lies, will the United States be Shuddering at the endless possibil- in the nation’s past that has been children’s shows, and even former safe, maintain its military and eco- ities of ridiculous extremes he may destroyed by deviant elements in members of their own ranks for nomic superiority and realize its manage to push his so-called the society, such as race mixing or evidence of this. dream of “a new American centu- “mandate” during his new term, I a loss of national identity. Lastly, fascists believe that ry.” And it appears they’re only found myself wondering whether, “Because fascist ideologies place their nation is in crisis, that it “has just getting started. While some despite all the talk of freedom and great value on creating a renewed entered a dangerous age of medioc- might believe that fascism died democracy for the world, we may and unified national or ethnic com- rity, weakness, and decline. They along with Mussolini, Hitler, and find over the next four years that munity,” according to Encarta, are convinced that through their Franco, it’s becoming apparent that we are not be as far removed from “they are hostile to most other ide- timely action they can save the it might have only dropped the 1930s Europe as we’d like to think. ologies. In addition to rejecting nation from itself. Fascists may “racial superiority” mumbo- conservatism, fascist movements assert the need to take drastic jumbo, changed continents, and –Jimmy Alvarado also oppose such doctrines as liber- action against a nation’s ‘inner’ co-opted its enemy’s flag. RR EE G RRG EE BB N RRN OO E MMYY HHOORRNN HH SSQQUUEEEEZZE Y RRY AA GG
This is the story of a family of sisters so sexually drawn that it forces Coop to work overtime. ell, now that the holidays gas tanks. It’s not just in the plastic are over, I can sigh and on a yogurt either; it’s in the flimsi- WWlook back and ponder the er cardboard case, the cheap glue to strange Christmas card I received hold the case together, and so on. from Congresswoman Loretta Now take that same mentality and Sanchez. It seems that the congress- put it into your American-made woman is looking for a career in auto, your medical devices, and adult entertainment if she’s not many other products that are mass- reelected next term. I would also made that are critical to your well like to know what part of the card being. No wonder there is a neuro- the watchdog group P.E.T.A is sis out there that someone is secret- going to attack. Will it be the hot ly looking to get you. red leather jacket, the black leather Apparently, humans are dispos- pants (growwwlll), or the fact that able also. Here’s the scenario: they her cat’s tail is on fire? There is, of need people to buy their product, course, a disclaimer on the inside yet they don’t care too much if that no cats were harmed during the someone gets hurt or dies, because making of the card. Is it just me or apparently we can replace the pop- GARY HORNBERGER are those Democrats a fun-loving ulation, too. That’s truly American- bunch? Now that I’ve shared that made! Don’t get me wrong—it with all of you, I can throw this card angers me greatly to see people out. gripe about the economy and then Now here’s my beef this issue: warehouse worker lughead placed or three busted out of twelve. Are jump into their foreign automobile. is the term “made in America” on the pallet under cases of gallon- they really saving money by being a I try my hardest to buy products worth its weight? One of the many sized juice, either. No, this is cheap American company? that are made in the USA, which gripes I have at work while putting because Yoplait or Dannon decided Well, if you remember the are getting more and more rare, but products on the shelf is that when I that the plastic container used to Pinto, Ford’s misguided monster of I do find it necessary to question the rip into a case of yogurt, I find that house your key lime yogurt needed an auto, there were studies done on reckless manufacturing to make a many of the containers are split to be just thin enough to get it home which would cost more: a total few more dollars on the already bil- open. This isn’t the before it leaked out everywhere, yet recall of the auto or shelling out lions in profit. 18 box that some lazy just about every other case has two some money for a few exploding Here’s another somewhat humorous story. A guy at work dri- enforcement, and since I ride a ves a 1970 Chevelle (chick mag- bike, I found the “moving viola- net?) and his dad wants him to sell tion” strip most enjoyable. Just the it. With that money and some help cover alone incites a riot of laugh- from dad, he plans on getting a ter; come on, a monkey on a bike brand new car. The dad then asks flippin’ the bird to a pig in his big what kind of car he wants. The ole Suburban is outstanding. Now reply is a new Silverado, a full-size if you can’t find this little gem at truck. Access denied. “You don’t your comic book store, Mr. want to buy an American-made Lootine displays his works in car. They break down.” What does Pulse Magazine. Whatever you do, his dad drive? Mercedes! Well, you must find a copy of this man’s thanks for keeping us Germans in work. It will brighten your day and the money. send you back into the sunlight. (R. By no means am I a worka- Lootine, PO Box 580848, holic, but when I do my work, I do Minneapolis, MN 55458) it right and maybe that’s my American way, but I’m not pulling MODERN ROBOT ILLUS- punches, taking shortcuts, or ask- TRATED ing for my share of the profits. By Dug Belan When did we decide that the best $1.00 ppd. U.S. thing we could bestow to the next Is Modern Robot a comic or is it a generation is to cut corners and get catalog? I still don’t know. It is as much green as possible? That basically pages and pages of differ- way of thinking just doesn’t work. ent robots. At first I didn’t think much about it, good or bad, but LOVERS AND HECTOR now it sort of makes me chuckle. I $3.50 U.S., $5.25 Can. mean, did we ever really think that Straight from the pages of Luba. we could get a robot to brush our Oh, you don’t remember Luba? teeth or wipe our asses? Well, both Then how about straight from the of those models are in here. The pages of Love and Rockets? This is Robo-brush and the Cyberwipe are the story of a family of sisters so just the wave of the future. No sexually drawn that it forces Coop wonder there are so many sci-fi to work overtime. This comic pret- movies about when robots replace ty much concentrates on the lovers humans. One, we will get fat and of these women. Hector is the pot- immobile from the lack of exercise smoking lover of Petra, the curvy in our arms from no longer wiping muscle-bound sister, and is our asses, and two, they’ll get us expecting to fold the final page to ed. (Fantagraphic Books, 7563 plagued with forgetfulness as he from behind when we get bent over expose the good old honest truth Lake City Way NE, Seattle, WA goes out to find one of the sisters at for our cleaning. See, the more I behind something in the world 98115) a bar. Throughout the night, we think of these robots, the funnier today. I was upset to learn that meet the other characters/sexual the situations become. Of course, Riverwurst is going on a year-long 2SISTERS partners in this sexual soap opera the robot on the cover is bringing hiatus, so you all should start send- by Matt Kindt of a comic. Most of the time when destruction to a city, but the mod- ing checks to get back issues $19.95 U.S. these come through, I just flip els inside are all helpful… or are because I own three copies and When they say “a super-spy graph- through the pages start to finish they? Look at it this way: where every one makes me giggle like a ic novel,” they aren’t bullshitting. before I even read them because else are you going to find a laugh little school girl. Yes, with the plaid 334 pages of twists and turns, and the visual tells most of the story. about a robot for a buck? (Dug skirt, you sicko. There is so much still some uncertainty. Set in World
So if you’re feeling deviant next Belan, 707 E. Wright St. GARY HORNBERGER packed into these gems that it’s War II-era Europe, we get steam- time you’re in the comic shop, pick Milwaukee, WI 53212) hard to pick a favorite strip, so just rolled into the spy world. It’s about this one up. (Luba’s Comics and take my word for it. (Riverwurst, how a farm girl with a troubled Stories, Fantagraphic Books, 7563 BLOOD ORANGE #3 PO Box 511553, Milwaukee, WI childhood finds her way into the Lake City Way NE, Seattle, WA Collection of artists 53203, [email protected]) city and the spy game. Most of the 98115) $5.95 U.S., $9.55 Can. story is visual, going pages without All I can say is stay away from this WORN TUFF ELBOW #1 any language, which makes for RESIDUE issue. Liked #2, but this one is too By Marc Bell some pretty exciting reading. The By R. Lootine far out. Sort of like looking at bad $4.95 U.S. main character, Elle, comes to the $2.00 U.S. art and saying, “This piece is about Size does not matter in Bagtown city to help the cause in London, Remember that American way I world hunger and the fragile polit- because the mixed-up creatures, becomes a Red Cross driver, and was talking about? This comic is it. ical structure keeping the food for from mini-sausage-looking charac- falls for an engineer who is recruit- A monkey, a dog, a roach, Christ, the rich” when it’s just a bunch of ters and deformed creatures, lie ed by the Germans to build a spe- and a pig put it all together for this squiggly lines. (Fantagraphic everywhere. They resemble the cial bomb. He then loses his life in critique of America’s current Books, 7563 Lake City Way NE, creatures from The Yellow a bombing (or so we are led to affairs. This comic is chock full of Seattle, WA 98115) Submarine, only in black and believe), which gets Elle mixed up political and social satire, and I white. The story is hard to follow in the spy game. Well, if I tell you love it. My favorite is the girl who RIVERWURST #5 because some creatures speak in any more, it will take all the fun claims, “At first, I was all like, no Collection of writers tongues and others are straightfor- out of this book. A must read for way! Computers are totally gay $3.00 U.S., $4.00 Can. ward so that you don’t know where anyone into mystery and suspense, trekkie toys for geeks, but now Best collection of comics and sto- one piece of information links to and yes, there is the other sister. they have pink ones.” The re-do of ries, bar none! This issue is even another. The only thing I did pick (Top Shelf Productions, PO Box the terrorist threat ranking is side better because it’s themed for G.W. up is that one rich dick runs the 1282, Marietta, GA 30061) splitting too. It seems that if you Bush. The satire in this magazine town and has his hands dirty in put animals in today’s political cli- is gut-busting. Every page turned everything; other than that, I can –Gary Hornberger mate, things become more palat- is humor-filled. It’s an adult’s ver- only say this comic is for the twist- able. The pigs do represent law sion of Mad Magazine; I keep 19 RR AA UU DWW RRD OUU?? AA WWHHOO AARREE YYO NN
Timothy Leary: Where do you get these questions? Do you have committees of monkeys?
Nardwuar the professional [laughs] crazed inter- Timothy Leary: Well, I’m a kindly themselves. It is a hard job. viewers, and you’re right up there. man and I try to say nothing nega- Someone has to do it... badly paid... Human Serviette vs. [laughs] You’re the Joe Montana, tive about anyone, but I have can be dangerous to your health. Dr. Timothy Leary right? always considered Brian Wilson to Nardwuar: Is there a patent for Nardwuar: I’m Nardwuar the be a pathetic moron. It is not his acid? Is somebody actually making Human Serviette, Timothy Leary. fault. The DNA, you know... They money off it? Interview done in person, January Timothy Leary: You sure are. I’m have to have morons out there, you Timothy Leary: I don’t know 15, 1994, AMS Program’s Office, not going to argue with that! know. I don’t think that he is a child much about details. I don’t think SUB Building, University Of Nardwuar: Is going through life molester or anything evil, but he is they’re making much money. I’m British Columbia, Vancouver, B.C, without a psychedelic experience just plain... his elevator doesn’t not into chemistry and finance. Canada like going through life without a reach the top floor. Nardwuar: How does it make you sexual experience? Nardwuar: Speaking about chil- feel that more young people are Timothy Leary: Well, I’d hate to dren, are you related to Winona doing acid today than ever before? Photo by Lincoln Clarkes have either way of life. People ask Ryder or Uma Thurman at all? Timothy Leary: Well, I don’t think me how many times have I taken Timothy Leary: Last night, I had around at night, you know, tossing Nardwuar: So Dr. Leary, the news LSD. Now, I’ve been experiment- the pleasure of being in Winona and turning on my pillow. There are in Washington is: “There is no ing with the brain for like forty Ryder’s home in Beverly Hills. We a million other things happening, news.” What is the years. I say, it’s like how many were watching her big screen, her and again, what does that mean: news now, from Timothy Leary? times have I made love. I don’t winning the award for Best acid? Because the government’s Timothy Leary: Ooh, wow, that is count like Wilt Chamberlain the Supporting Actress in Days of policy of restriction, the govern- a complicated question! [laughs] basketball player, but there’s one Innocence. Her young brother was ment does not regulate or help you Um, we are approaching the 21st thing I know: not enough! Not with her, and I was sitting next to know what acid is. Nobody knows century. It is going to... everybody enough! David Pirner, the rock and roller what acid is. My advice is: do not knows that the old systems are Nardwuar: When was the last time from Soul Asylum. So, yes I am go out and get acid from someone over... communism and... every- you were busted? very, very close to Winona. I think who goes up to you in a trench coat body knows it... Everybody knows Timothy Leary: Oh, about seven she is a brilliant, brilliant person. in a bar and says, “Hey, here is that every politician is corrupt and or eight years ago. Uma Thurman’s mother was my some acid!” Like anything else that are interested in only one thing... Nardwuar: Did you really meet wife. We first met... I was on a hon- is precious in life, you should know umm... himself. And there is a glob- Charles Manson in prison, Timothy eymoon with Uma Thurman’s what you are doing, and if you’re al sense of sorrow and grief, Leary, and did he really supply you mother when I met you in Calcutta going to share this experience, do it because we hate to lose our ideals. with some hallucigenics, i.e. mari- [pointing to an old Indian guru with someone who shares your But then, at the turn of the century, juana? acquaintance of Leary’s]. She was a spiritual ambitions and when you a new species will be born. It is Timothy Leary: No, I was in the tall blonde woman. She is the moth- look in their eye, they have the going to be born... It is a global lan- same cell next to Manson for one er of a famous actress now. same holiness that you’re looking guage which will be—I know it night. Legends have developed Nardwuar: Did JFK, Timothy for. sounds funny when I say this— about that. He did not give me any Leary, ever do acid? Nardwuar: Do you still have a based on Nintendo, and the drugs. I would never take any drugs Timothy Leary: I don’t know. mind-blowing experience once a Nintendo kids will suddenly be from anyone who does not have the They say he did. week? sending history and religion. qualities in their eye that I want Nardwuar: But you dropped acid Timothy Leary: I’m having one Sarah from the band Kreviss: from that drug. So I would never with Marilyn Monroe. right now! [laughs] I tell you! To be That sounds scary! take drugs from Manson. This is Timothy Leary: No comment. locked up in a cell with you! Timothy Leary: Well, you can be Tim’s Tips to the Young, okay? Nardwuar: Have you ever made [laughs]. scared if you want, but if you want [laughs] Don’t take drugs from money off your work? Nardwuar: Are you on any drugs the old way, you can go back. Manson! Timothy Leary: I have ended right now Timothy Leary? [laughs] Nardwuar: How about Elvis? every month in my life in the hole. Timothy Leary: Coffee. Coffee. Nardwuar: Are you the Hugh Timothy Leary: What about Elvis? I have lived basically... You would- Nardwuar: Is Prozac the legal Hefner of LSD? Nardwuar: Did you ever meet n’t believe the debts I have. I basi- LSD of the ‘90s? Timothy Leary: Now that is the Elvis, Gilligan, or Frank Sinatra? cally live on the largesse and com- Timothy Leary: [laughs] Where dumbest question... Who’s got the Timothy Leary: I met Frank passion of my friends. I work my do you get these questions? Do you award? Who’s got the award? Sinatra, who is a very suave and ass off, but I knew that. It is the job have committees of monkeys? I’m [laughs] I want to congratulate you. courteous mafioso. [laughs] of a philosopher, particularly a not an expert on legal drugs… basi- NARDWUAR I have been interviewed thousands Nardwuar: Would Brian Wilson be Socratic philosopher who teaches cally don’t like legal drugs. Think of times and I have met the greatest the same today if he didn’t do LSD young people and corrupts their about it. If a government legalizes a in the ‘60s? minds by telling them to think for drug, there’s got to be something 20 Illustration by Rob Ruelas • [email protected] Photo by Lincoln Clarkes
Timothy Leary: Listen, I'm so senile, I don't remember what was going on last night at this time, so let's get easy… wrong with it. Think about it: alco- Timothy Leary: —Be gentle with thousand of them are different. prophet of Timothy Leary? hol, things like that... me. [laughs] Listen, let’s take a What is this bullshit about “anti”? Timothy Leary: Now we’re get- Nardwuar: Didn’t you design break here for a minute, and I’ll Anti-Christ, anti-God, anti-devil? ting into prophets! [laughs] I’ve some rides for Disneyland? ask you some questions. There is no such thing as anti- got an anti-Christ in Liddy and a Timothy Leary: But to go back to Nardwuar: Okay, sure. Timothy Leary. You’re betraying a prophet in Genesis! Genesis is a Prozac here, uh, I’m fascinated Timothy Leary: How long can feudal, if not worse, theology here: very talented northern English guy that they are learning more about you stay quiet? [laughs] the anti-Timothy Leary. [growls] who had a great moment in the brain. Because the brain is a Nardwuar: Didn’t you once Arrrgg! I will get him and I will England when he started series of one-hundred billion com- design some rides for Disneyland put him on a fucking cross and put Throbbing Gristle. He used his puters, and we’re learning how to though? Weren’t you once called a sword through his side and I will children a lot in naked stuff. Did “punch up” and “boot up” and upon to consult for that at all, make him a crown of thorns, baby. you know that? So he’s... no, he’s “format” and yes, I think it’s won- Timothy Leary? Yeah, he’s anti! Are you a born not the Timothy Leary of the ‘90s. derful, if true, that a person who is Timothy Leary: No, it would Christian? He’s a nice guy, but um... terribly depressed would not need never happen. Nardwuar: I think they splattered Nardwuar: Who is? to go to a doctor. I don’t think you Nardwuar: Didn’t the Johnny some water on me but I actually Timothy Leary: Ummm… the should have to go to a doctor. You Appleseeds of LSD live in pray to a lucky chestnut. But read- concept of “is,” the anti-Christ, the should be able to go to a commit- Vancouver? What are your memo- ing from a quote from Newsweek anti-this, and “who’s that” and all tee, or your friends, or so forth. ries of Vancouver in the 1960s? Magazine dated 1968, Dr. Timothy that. This is very primitive think- Yes, I think it’s wonderful that Timothy Leary: Listen, I’m so Leary, “The work of the psyche- ing. there are these chemicals that obvi- senile, I don’t remember what was delic—” Nardwuar: Okay, here’s some-
ously are designed by DNA to going on last night at this time, so Timothy Leary: 1968? Well for thing simple, finally winding up NARDWUAR make the brain react this way. So let’s get easy… Christ’s sakes, I did... The person here, Timothy Leary. Do the guys basically, although I am not giving [Interview resumes five hours later who is here now: I have almost no with LSD get the most chicks? product endorsements about after Dr. Leary’s lecture, “How to relationship to that person. Timothy Leary: [pause] The vul- Prozac, I think, in general, the idea Operate Your Brain”] Nardwuar: Right. This is tying gar sordidness of that question is is good. But of course, the doctors Timothy Leary: What is your into all of that. “The work of the Olympic. “Getting chicks.” I are now running around and mak- name? psychedelic scholar-politician is mean, what does that mean: “get- ing billions off it, naturally, and I Nardwuar: Nardwuar. over. With love and confidence, we ting chicks?” That is a very vulgar think that any psychoactive, psy- Timothy Leary: What does it turn our work and our planet over ‘50s term. Man, you are out of it! chedelic, psychological drug mean in English? to the young and their prophets.” You really are out of it! should not be sold. It’s like selling Nardwuar: It’s like Sting in Along with Psychic TV, who Nardwuar: Alright, thanks very pardons, you know. The priests English. would this circle of ‘90s prophets much Timothy Leary, and doot used to do that, selling sacraments. Timothy Leary: Buzzzzzzzz. comprise of? doola doot doo... I think that they should be regulat- [laughs] Timothy Leary: Who is Psychic Timothy Leary: Me too!!! ed by society, uh, certainly young Nardwuar: Timothy Leary, is G. TV? [laughs] people shouldn’t use them, but the Gordon Liddy the anti-Timothy Nardwuar: Genesis P. Orridge. very idea of selling psychoactive Leary? Didn’t you do some work with –Nardwuar drugs is worse than prostitution, in Timothy Leary: No. He has a mil- him? To hear this interview hop to a sense. And uh, I haven’t thought lion [burps] characteristic person- Timothy Leary: I know, but why http://www.nardwuar.com this quite through, so— alities... I have a million character- did you drag him in? Nardwuar: Sounds good so far! istic personalities. Maybe fifty Nardwuar: Is he not a ‘70s 23 EENN CCKK HHII CC EPOORRTTSS HHMM DINNGGHHOOLLEE RREP TT TTHHEE DI HHYY RR The toilet and water faucet did their take on "dueling banjos" while the crowd grew anxious. This was truly a chorus of angels!
The Dinghole Reports the five homes with just enough time By the Rhythm Chicken to get to work at noon. I worked till (commentary by Francis Funyuns) near midnight and then returned to [edited by Dr. Sicnarf] my home buried yet again. With aching back, I picked up the trusty When one lives in Wisconsin, shovel and got to it. It had been there are many facets to snowing all day, and was STILL Wisconsinism that one can either snowing at midnight. I shoveled and embrace warmly or resist in futility. shoveled and soon found myself Many Wisconsinites will curse up cursing the soft white burden, but not and down about the approximate for long. At a point of true revelation, nine months that we are responsible those old SNOWSHOVEL songs for snow removal. When we see filled my head. I suddenly drew from news stories about towns in an unending source of Nordic pride! Mississippi or Georgia being closed (Okay, it’s actually a blend of down after one inch of snow, we Bohemian, Bavarian, Irish, and chuckle. Then again, those who live Midwestern pride… and THAT on upper Michigan’s Kewenau deserves a drink!) I shoveled all five Peninsula laugh at our mere nine homes and returned to my own home months of snow for they get an annu- at around 2:30 to find it once again al thirteen months of the white stuff. buried in two and a half hours worth I choose to embrace foot after foot of of fresh snow. I sung to myself: this soft drunkard cushioning that blankets my home. What good is Malted rink of barley and hops cursing the stuff gonna do? You drink it up, I skate on top! While many households in this I like drinking tomato juice neck of the woods boast a fancy WITH ICE CUBES MADE OF snowblower of one income bracket BEER! or another, I find myself with the instrument of my forefathers: the Hockey on Schlitz! snow shovel. It sits on the front Luging on Hamms! porch of my Milwaukee residence Ice fishing on Blatz! year round. I believe it belongs to the ICE SKATING ON FROZEN BEER! landlord or some former tenant. Either way, it is within my price I shoveled my home out yet range: borrowed. While I see some again and found myself still neighbors cursing at their snow embraced with this manic inspira- blowers, I use my snow-shovel with tion. The spirit of SNOWSHOVEL a sort of Nordic pride. It will never run out of oddball 4-track recordings of whatever giz- was carrying me. I began shoveling my YARD! gas, need oil, or get jammed. whackin’ hooshwash would come into my head. Maybe the cold air was getting thin. Maybe not This winter I find myself responsible for the By far, one of the most successful projects was a taking that well-deserved break at the Cactus shoveling of five homes in my neighborhood: duet project with my friend Greg Steffke. We Club was messing with my inner chemistry. my own, my landlord’s, my landlord’s neigh- called ourselves SNOWSHOVEL, just like that, Maybe I’m just stupid. I began shoveling my bor’s, my landlord’s other neighbor’s, and the in all capitals. The relentless pummeling of foot front yard and singing aloud: older guy two blocks down who saw me shovel- after foot of snow had made us strong and we ing my landlord’s other neighbor’s place and somehow put it to music. We survived each It can storm a blistery death hired me to do his. Of course, a few days after storm with songs like “Snow!,” “All Women are It can even freeze your breath accepting the duty we get dumped on with Evil Sludge!,” “No!,” “Gimme the Salami!,” and Now you know that the end is near twelve inches. I accept the challenge and get to the ever popular “Ice-Skating on Frozen Beer!” Snow is your greatest fear! it. The nice part is that doing these homes in that Yeah, we were young, hardened, and angry. RHYTHM CHICKEN particular order leads me in an almost direct line SNOWSHOVEL… man-oh-peaches, we were SNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW! to the Cactus Club for my much-deserved shov- tough. eler’s Blatz. About half an hour later I had finished my So, back to 2005. About ten days after creation. I shoveled all of the snow in my front Okay, back up. In and around the early ‘90s receiving that healthy twelve-inch powdery yard onto one large pile in the middle, MOUNT I found myself sitting in my bedroom through onslaught, we got another eighteen inches over RUCKUS! I had finished this grand monument, 24 most winter storms recording the course of a weekend. I woke up and shoveled carried by the spirit of SNOWSHOVEL. Now, finally, I felt I had deserved that beer. At 3:30 Seahorses, whose bass player had the RC per- SILENCE!!! THIS IS RUCKUS!!! The rhyth- AM, after nearly twenty hours of shoveling form at his family reunion this past summer! mic audio onslaught exploded from the tiny con- snow, working my day job, and then shoveling They rocked the GB crowd into a frenzied fines of the femalien privy! {{Okay, one quick- snow again, I thought a January roadsit was long ruckus! Meanwhile, RC’s old friend the Chez ie here. I’m REALLY impressed that this overdue! I ran indoors and grabbed some showed up and helped him shove even more spellchecker recognizes the word privy! Okay, Lacrosse Lagers from the icebox and one large Pabst into his beak! Finally, the Reverse took the back to our story.}} The back hallway almost wooden chair from the living room. With my stage and unleashed their blend of garage rock burst at the seams as the crowd throbbed and royal throne out by the road, in my freshly shov- ruckus. With the Reverse being in Green Bay swelled to the maniacal Chicken Rhythms! eled front yard, next to my newly created Mount that night, I just assume the Cactus Club back in Surely this was building up to something far Ruckus, I conducted my first January roadsit. A Milwaukee had to close its doors to cut their grander than your normal pile of ruckus! Just few cars actually passed by and saw me sitting losses! The Pabst was being consumed at a then, the Rhythm Chicken took one of his out there at 3:30 AM in a horrible blizzard hoist- feverish pace! The ruckus needle was bouncing patented breaks, lifted his wings, and accepted ing my beer skyward. One car honked and it was and diving into the red! The Main Stage felt a the deafening adoration from the hallway. This all worth it. rumble as the first waves of Chicken ruckus is when he pushed the carrot and pioneered into were building up! The Chez assumed his roadie unforeseen musical territory! With his left wing [Okay, Mr. Chicken. As your editor, I am going duty and helped load in the back door, straight to he reached back and……..FLUSHED THE to have to recommend that you start your col- the LADIES’ ROOM! This ladies’ room was TOILET!!! A few crowd members in front umn over. This is a very nice story, yet I don’t tighter than tight! One toilet, one sink, and loads hollered in approval. Most of them in back were feel it is proper ranting for the pages of of graffiti! Somehow, they managed to cram the asking, “What’s going on?” Then someone Razorcake. The only ruckus in that story yelled, “He’s flushing the toilet!” The is a motionless pile of snow. Is this real- RC pounded out another few verses of ly constructive punk rock journalism? chicken rock and raised his wings, then I’m sorry, Chicken, but I’m pulling out reached back for another toilet solo. my red pen on this one. –Dr. S.] FLUSH! The hallway erupted with cheers! Just then, a member of the (Don’t listen to him, Chicken! C’mon! Seahorses crawled over the crowd and What does a drunk mathematician know reached into the femalian privy. His about punk rock journalism, anyway? arm reached toward the sink, grabbed And what kind of mathematician gets the water faucet and turned it on full his degree from UW-Green Bay? I say blast! WHO DARES TO ATTEMPT keep it! Screw you, Sicnarf! –F.F.) AN UNWELCOMED DUET WITH THE RHYTHM CHICKEN? Our hero [Excuse me, Francis. If you would spun his crusty head around to see who please notice the header atop this col- could possibly make such a musical umn, you’ll notice that I am indeed the intrusion. ACK!!! There, at the other functioning editor of this fine literary end of that daring arm was the face work. Me, Dr. Sicnarf. –Dr. S.] of… GREG STEFFKE! Wait… so that whole intro really WAS relevant? (Oh yeah?!! Well, if that dumb header is what runs the show, then SO BE IT! —The Rhythm Chicken violently – F.F.) grabs the laptop back from Funyuns—
—Funyuns yoinks away the Chicken’s Yes! After more then ten years, this laptop and begins typing frantically— was the unforeseen reunion of SNOW- SHOVEL, and in of all places! The toi- The Dinghole Reports let and water faucet did their take on By Francis Funyuns “dueling banjos” while the crowd grew (pointless commentary by the Rhythm anxious. This was truly a chorus of Chicken) angels! FLUSH! TSSSSH! TSSSSH! [pompous whining by Dr. Sicnarf!] FLUSH! TSSSH! TSSSSH! Unfortunately, there was no substantial GOOD MORNING AMERICA! I’m recording equipment there to catch this here to show you how this is supposed historic moment in music history. Then to be done! This ain’t no kinder gentler I rolled out one more barrel of ruckus Dinghole Report! It’s all about the for the hallway full of rock gobblers. ruckus! RUCKUS!!!!!!!!!!!! They ate it up and went home enlight- ened, their faces aglow. Dinghole Report #65: BACK TO THE chicken kit into these impossible confines and So, the morning after my creation of Mount RHYTHM CHICKEN RUCKUS! then squeeze a Rhythm Chicken in there. As is Ruckus I quickly ran outside to find another six (Rhythm Chicken sighting #325) Rhythm Chicken Ladies’ Room Tradition, the inches of fresh snow atop my formerly shoveled RUCKUS! RUCKUS! RUCKUS! Burn toilet was his throne! His floor tom was front yard and Mount Ruckus was six inches your mom! Eat the kids! Rape the dog! SMASH, squeezed behind his right buttock! His bass taller. I ran out there with my camera to capture CRASH, AND BALDERDASH! drum, snare, and hi-hat were duking it out for this golden calf on film, and it’s a good thing I AAAAAAAAAAH! RUCKUS!!! It was a cold floor space next to the commode. No time was did. A few hours later I looked out my front win- October night in Green Bay. It had been YEARS wasted as he crawled into the cockpit and began dow to see eight neighborhood kids climbing all since our hero returned to his hometown. His his terrible thunder! The opening drum roll her- over it, reducing it to the Ruins of Ruckus. In the last Green Bay gig left the Concert Café in alded everyone from the bar back into the skin- next few days I plan on driving across ruins! Green Bay was in desperate need of ny hallway leading to the shitters. A wall of Milwaukee to go past the home of my old friend ruckus, and who better to heed the call? Three straining faces squeezed into the little doorway Greg Steffke. If there’s anything right and true in Milwaukee bands were playing this night at the to witness Jesus returning to Bethlehem! The this world, there will be a similar Ruins of Main Stage, a new venue on Main Street. The chaotic rhythms began and the back hallway was Ruckus in his front yard as well. Mandates opened the show with our own ROCKIN’!!! The gin-soaked rhythms flowed Ruckus O’Reily on vocals and guitar! from the girlie-shitroom like molten hot ruckus! –Rhythm Chicken RUCKUS! Our hero, the Rhythm Chicken, was [email protected] already inhaling Jake’s pizza and soaking up the [Again? –Dr. S.] Pabst! GIVE HIM FUEL!!! Next up were the 25 BB RR IOO ø NN .. OI RBB EVV LLOOVVEE,, NNOR RRE
THEY ARE HOWL-LLIKE IN THE SCOPE OF THEIR MAGNO-MMAJESTY!!!
ARTSY FREE VERSE MUSINGS BY A WELL-COMPENSATED HOLY MAN or NOBODY WALKS THE STREETS TONIGHT BUT ME! THE MAGNETIC PUNK! ...but first, let us put the rumors to rest, the images in context, the Jacks back in their boxes, and the dirty dishes in the oven: I, Rev. Nørb, after untold centuries of steadfastly refusing to do The Devil’s Work (i mean, after all, isn’t that what God invented girls for?), am now a (metaphori- cally) card carrying Agent O’ Satan. I have violated all that is natural and right in the world. I officiated at a wedding. I’m a passive enabler! A shamanistic ne’er do well! An Injustice O’ The Peace! I, Rev. Nørb, with- out excuse borne of mind control drugs or alien brain-enslavement tech- nologies, as of 12.31.04, at the persnickety behest of a close associate, did break with my long-held pattern of staunch refusal to inflict the bonds of holy matrimony on other living beings, and married former Boris the Sprinklerist Erik #1 to the lovely Mrs. Jane #1 under the colossal titanium bean-thing which looms large (for no apparent reason other than to per- haps attract gigantic, legume-crazed robots to the downtown area) in the middle of Millennium Park in Chicago (my guilt in performing such an undertaking somewhat mitigated by the soul-soothing joy i got when my rhetorical pulpit inquiry of “WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA?” was met with a lusty “SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS™!” we all lived happily ever after (except for our First Amendment rights of by the congregation. If i ever perform another wedding ceremony— peaceable assembly, which, apparently, are null and void in the Land of Beelzebub be praised—i’m hoping [in the name of Science] it’ll be before Lincoln). After my closing argument (“Rock over London, rock on a more augustly Catholic™ throng, so i can test out my theory that most I Chicago! The mass is ended, let us go in peace to love and serve the lord!” folks in attendance would answer “WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE [hey, i always wanted to say that]), we abruptly dispersed, leaving the N0RB UNDER THE SEA?” with “LORD, HEAR OUR PRAYER” out of sheer groom’s mother—the only soul who was actually brave enough to light
. muscle memory). The great thing was—apart from my pocketing a tidy one of the sparklers i had the pyrotechnicians pass out to the crowd dur- five bucks worth of dare money—that, about five minutes into my Holy ing the marriage vows—standing alone with the cops under the Huge Spiel, people started going “HURRY IT UP! HURRY IT UP!” and i, very Titanium Bean in a cloud of flaming green magnesium vapors. After that,
REV much used to this sort of thing from my days as a blathering punk rock we rode around on the el and played kazoos. It was great. Where the fuck singer and/or long-winded, ill-mindful-of-deadlines-and-or-spatial-con- was i going with this? Oh, yes, right, punk rock. Tricky subject to write straints punk rock columnist, am thinking “oh yeah, great, AS USUAL. about, that. I mean, i don’t know if i’m just getting old and jaded (FAN- Before the ceremony, everybody’s like ‘yeah, Nørb! Do it! It’ll be great! TASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: Two out of every three Asian strip- Do your thing, dude! We love you, man!’, and, as soon as i start, every- pers in North America are named “China,” regardless of their actual eth- body’s like ‘You’re talking too much! You’re taking too long! You’re ruin- nic origins. The remaining third are either named “Dragon Lady” or ing Aunt Hettie’s big day! You’re ruining everything for everybody every- “Jade.” Yes, i admit i just made that up, but it’s pretty close to accurate), i where! We hate you, man!’ ”—but, little do i know that, on accounta we, now am no longer located anywhere near Where the Action™ Is, my cur- as a brigade of renegade and rogue Outlandos D’Amour of primarily rent bandless spell has taken its toll on the Life of High Adventure i once Cheesehead and Yooper (YU•per, n. A resident of Michigan’s Upper led, or shit has just reached some entropic critical mass (wait... not really Peninsula, aka “U.P.”) ethnic stock, have predictably failed to grease the “critical mass”... i think i mean the OPPOSITE of “critical mass.” What proper palms at Chicago City Hall and obtain the proper permits for our would that be? “Uncritical Anti-mass?” “Critical Mess?” “Instant Hole?” Holy Ceremony O’ Fun, thus a cadre of Chicago’s Finest are beginning to [“INSTANT HOLE, I HATE YOUUUUUUUUU!!!” {seriously, seriously, amass behind us, with intentions of forcing immediate Cease-and- was there ever any better episode of The Ant & The Aardvark™ than the Desistage upon our merry throng. Needless to say, having my spiffy pur- “Instant Hole” one? Where they had this Instant Hole that you could just ple vinyl top hat dented by some Chicago Robo-Dyke’s combination fold up and put in your pocket, then take out and whip it on the ground, Nightstick/Strap-On Swedish Love Gun was not high on my New Year’s causing The Adversary to go plummeting into some newly created inky Eve to-do list, so, after leading the crowd in another round of quick com- void? That episode ruled! Sure, people were always like “no, dude, the munal alleluia (this time “MORE TWINKIES™, LESS MEATLOAF™!” best episode of The Ant & The Aardvark was the one where they had the in reference to Twinkies™ mating for life and thereby setting a good green Aardvark and the blue Aardvark fighting over the Ant!” but we only example for the newlyweds, as opposed to Meatloaf’s song “Paradise By had a black & white TV when i was a kid so that one just seemed like two The Dashboard Light” which is, as one might assume, very bad for dark gray aardvarks to me, so fuck it, Instant Hole™ it is! {i am unsure as humans and other living things), i was able to verbally hit the gas and get to what percentage of strippers in North America, Asian or otherwise, are the Happy Loving Couple ‘trothed up in the time that the groom’s uncle named “Instant Hole,” but i am virtually certain that it is not as many as was able to buy us by flipping his sheriff’s dept. badge at the steadily the laws of harmony and proportion would dictate}] where punk rock, or amassing horde of Robo-Dykes and “peace officers,” and at least writing about it, just doesn’t matter any more), but i am finding it 26 harder and harder to find things of a punkly nature to write about these than the lava lamps behind the bar (maybe, if this millennium is to actu- days (as might well be evinced by the fact that i haven’t written about any- ally go anywhere under our stewardship, we should start moving away thing other than the Ramones or my kitchen floor since June). I mean, i from the idea of live bands, period, and maybe just invent huge, man-size can’t seem to find anything i love with such unbounded passion that i feel lava lamps which we can set up on stage, plug in, and watch, while we like coming to blows (or, better yet, blowing to come) over it; and, as a play mix CDs thru the P.A. and sort of bop around a bit? Just a thought [if consequence, i also can’t find anything i hate enough to really set me off this isn’t an acceptable plan, perhaps we could meet halfway, and make a (other than, of course, the things that we already hated in the ‘90s, and are bunch of eight-foot-high lava lamps, and put them on stage, and plug them therefore so obviously beneath our learned contempt that, like, who in, and toss a few Warped Tour™ types in the lava lamps, and amuse our- cares?). I really need to get, like, good and pissed off at some band like selves by watching the bubbles coming out of their mouths and butts as Social Distortion or the Dropkick Murphys or somebody, and get myself they drown in festive, lively lava, or cranberry juice, or whatever exactly back on track, but, yet, i’d have to really go out of my way to do that, so, it is they put in those things. As long as i have some nice bubbles to look like, what’s the point? (here’s a little funny ha-ha for ya, since the at, i’m usually pretty happy, so either works for me]). The Catholic Boys Dropkick Murphys played before Game One of the World Series this year: are, unfortunately, god awful, and seem to be generally held in fairly high My ex-girlfriend is from Boston. regard—which is usually a win- Ever since we, uh, “de-itemed,” ning combination as far as me get- shall we say, i have been rooting ting motivated to spew a few bon super-ultra-mega-hyper-vocifer- mots and such—but, double unfor- ously for all Boston sports teams tunately, they are also my friends, to crash, burn, implode, choke, therefore they would really have fart, self-immolate, and get sprin- to suck and really have to get pop- kled with table salt and die a ular before i started bashing them hideous, festering death like the (i will, however, allow myself the banana slugs they are. Amount of vicarious pleasure of quoting a Mr. Super Bowl and World Series vic- Pat Smick of Spokane WA on their tories obtained by the New behalf: “Psychic Voodoo Mind England Patriots and Boston Red Control? That album is so bad I Sox in the 92 years prior to our can’t even explain how bad it is”). breakup, when i was more or less Besides, what the fuck am i doing neutral on the whole issue of that’s so great? I’m sitting around Boston sports teams [although i drinking beer and looking at the did hate the Red Sox for having lava lamps because the bands are the audacity to play my team, the boring the shit out of me, that ain’t Cincinnati Reds, in the World exactly leading by example. I did Series in 1975—however, the fact take my earplugs out and face that i hated the Yankees equally as bandward for much of the Feelers’ much for the same Crime Against set, but i can’t quite see that as the Big Red Machine in 1976 qualifying as much of a Rock made them essentially neutral in Event™ (certainly not quite up many key regards]: 0. Amount of there with the massive Rock Super Bowl and World Series vic- Events™ i’ve written about in the tories obtained by the New past, such as tiling my kitchen England Patriots and Boston Red floor, et al). The highlight of the Sox in the four years following night was when Hue Blanc’s our breakup, when i wished all Joyless Ones got into an onstage Boston sports teams boundless debate over whether or not the misery and infinite destruction word “dalliance” had an implicit REV with every fiber of my being: 4 negative connotation. I think that [assuming the Eagles don’t pull a was actually the most interesting
major rabbit out of their ass on thing that happened in my little . Sunday {the Eagles, by the way, world of punk rock in all of
can fuck themselves—not for any- January, really, but there’s not N0RB thing involving numbers like, say, exactly a column in that, either I “4th” and/or “26,” but because (although anybody who can pony that shade of ((alleged)) green up a reasonable explanation as to they now use on their uniforms is why “dalliance” doesn’t rhyme
PERHAPS WE COULD ... MAKE A BUNCH OF EIGHT-FFOOT-HHIGH LAVA LAMPS, AND PUT THEM ON STAGE, AND PLUG THEM IN, AND TOSS A FEW WARPED TOUR™ TYPES IN THE LAVA LAMPS, AND AMUSE OURSELVES BY WATCHING THE BUBBLES COMING OUT OF THEIR MOUTHS AND BUTTS
GAY with a capital A. Bring back an actual, recognizable shade of green with “alliance” is encouraged to do so), so i went to go see 88 MPH and immediately! And go back to the old helmet design. And lose the serifs on the Blowtorches. I like both bands, but i would be lying if i said the high- the jersey lettering. And go re-install the air filter on my furnace, i think i light of the evening (apart from the Blowtorches’ Leg Hounds cover— put it in backwards and it’s making a bunch of noise}]. As Andrew Dice Help! ASCAP! Police!) was something other than the singers of both Clay once said re: A-bombing Japan, “what was IN them bombs? Fuckin’ bands buying me a beer (each!) for coming out to their show. I then, in my FOITILIZER?” Give me another five bucks and i’ll hate your sports team mad quest to experience something worth writing about, saw the Mystery to a world championship, too!) I try—Lord™ how i try!—to find punk Girls, BBQ & King Khan, and some aptly named dude called “The Night stuff to write about, but it’s all in vain. I go see bands, attempt to root up Terrors”—trust me, go see The Night Terrors and you’ll go running into some strong feelings one way or another, try goading myself into extract- the darkness screaming bloody murder—and, while the erstwhile Creepy ing some succulent meat snack of controversy, disgust, or exhilaration and Blacksnake played some righteous stomp (more doo-wop! Thy from the proceedings—nada. It’s like being one of those old guys who shaman commands thee!), the real surprise of the evening was the can’t poop. I strain and grunt and bounce around, but nothing emerges. I Mystery Girls being really good. The Mystery Girls are kinda like the went to see the Feelers/Catholic Boys/Hue Blanc’s Joyless Ones/some Michigan J. Frog™ of Rock—you know, that cute little be-top-hatted high school Devo band the other night. The high school Devo band was amphibian from the Warner Bros.™ “One Froggy Evening” cartoon, later on their last song, and i found them to be slightly less interesting to watch made the de facto mascot of the WB™ Network? The frog 27 who dances and sings “Hello my honey, hello my sweetie, hello my rag- classic punk rock albums—the first three Ramones LPs, Never Mind the time GAAAaaaal!” and “ev-REE-bod-EE’s doin’ the Michigan Bollocks, Singles Going Steady by the Buzzcocks, and the first albums by RAAAaaaaaaaGGG!” in front of his owner, but, when viewed by a the Clash, Saints, Generation X, the Vibrators, and the Undertones (said crowd, does no such thing at all? Yeah, that frog. That’s the Mystery albums entitled “nothing,” (I’m) Stranded, “nothing,” Pure Mania, and Girls. Go see ‘em one night, and everything’s all “Hello my honey, hello “nothing,” in that order)—and typed up all the song titles, then i did the my sweetie, hello my ragtime GAAAaaaal!” Bring somebody to see ‘em same with ten records from 2004 (roughly, but not exactly, corresponding the next night on your say-so, and they just sit under their top hat and rib- to my still-as-yet-quite-fluid-and-unemphatic top ten list for last fiscal bit. Oh well, Chuck Jones did great work. Who am i to be critical? Still period)—Reigning Sound’s Too Much Guitar!, The Paybacks’ Harder left bereft of columnar fodder, with a deadline fast approaching, i began and Harder, M.O.T.O.’s Single File (which is, like it or not, the Singles to pine for the ‘90s, when every Afro-North-American stripper in Afro- Going Steady of your generation [“Your Generation” being, also like it or North-America was named after a precious mineral of some kind, and not, the “My Generation” of my generation]), The Parallel Universe of where we could actually get in knock-down drag-out slam-bang meet- Henry Fiat’s Open Sore, the Operation S album, the Marked Men’s On ’em-in-the-middle-figure-eight-races about who sucked, and what the Outside LP, the Briefs’ Sex Objects CD, the Knockout Pills’ 1+1 =
BEFORE THE CEREMONY, EVERYBODY’S LIKE 'YEAH, NØRB! DO IT! IT'LL BE GREAT! DO YOUR THING, DUDE! WE LOVE YOU, MAN!', AND, AS SOON AS I START, EVERYBODY’S LIKE 'YOU’RE TALKING TOO MUCH! YOU’RE TAKING TOO LONG! YOU’RE RUINING AUNT HETTIE'S BIG DAY!’
sucked, and what colors of Chuck ATE, Morticia’s Lovers’ Smash Taylors™ were cool to wear, and the Radio and that Hatepinks how many songs should be on album i made fun of last year for each side of an album, and sounding like the song titles were whether everyone from California randomly assembled by choosing was a douchebag or not because “punk” words from a hat (i earthquake-proofing left them thought it only fair for me to put without any brick walls to take the words back in the hat, as it their band photo in front of, and were). Making D.I.Y. Magnetic other such weighty Poetry turns out to be neither concerns/heady matters. Truly did harder nor easier than one would our reasoned and impassioned suspect it would be: It is exactly discourses delineate the Stuff O’ as hard and exactly as easy as one Legend! Nowadays, punk rock would assume it to be. You cut out seems like it’s about one rung about a five inch strip of words, above Fantasy Basketball on the peel the adhesive back about five I Thrill-O-Meter, and, for those of inches on the magno-roll, then us who’ve essentially permanent- start pressing the words down N0RB ly thrown our hats and/or Antler onto the adhesive. If things start . Helmets into the Burning Ring of going katywampus, cut the words Punk, this is not a good thing. But off at your earliest convenience, yet... i am a man! I have a brain! realign the remainder, and contin- REV And even if i DON’T have a brain, ue on. When you’re done with i know where i can get one! And, that, start cutting the fuckers heck, even if i don’t have a MAN, apart. Cutting 874 tiny little i know where i can get one of words apart is tedious, but not those, too! THINK, YOU particularly aggravating in any ADDLEPATED KNOCKWURST unforeseen manner. After that, ya PLATTER! THINK! WAIT! I’VE find the nearest wall, ceiling, GOT IT! Riddle me this, Caped rooftop or door (assuming, of Crusader: What is it that sets course, you too are living the humans and robots apart from Lustron™ Life in your dazzlingly animals, and animal robots? Is it brain or brawn or the month we were gray all-metal house), and unleash the Inner Magnetic Leapin’ Lanny born? No! What sets human beings and robots apart from animals and Poffo™ in you. In jig time, i had created two sprawling, magno-poetic animal robots is, of course, MAGNETIC POETRY! Magnetic Poetry! epics; one from the classic punk words, one from the modern punk That’s it! It is Magnetic Poetry that allows us to express the nooks and words—figuring that, even in the OH SO FUCKING HIGHLY UNLIKE- crannies of our mortal and robot souls with the splendid turns of phrase LY event that this is just, like, total bullshit, my exacting dissection of we all adorn the interior and exteriors of our metal homes with; gems like punk rock song titles of two different eras at literally (i think?) the mole- “sordid white girl looked like enormous black woman with huge choco- cular level (the “molecular level” here meaning “word by word,” in case late butt” and “these small breasts do rock will you shower with me you think i’m bullshitting; the “atomic level” would be taking the song honey” or “worship the purple sausage for eternity” and even “I bomb has titles and rearranging them letter by letter, and, presumably, the “sub- leave you here fluff” and “honey we go sleeping place mother” (all the atomic level” would be me chopping the letters into little pieces and above sonnets fully guaranteed to have been stuck to my house by the reassembling the parts. I can assure you that i will be marketing single front door by real humans or real robots at one point in time in the last occupancy lava lamps in northern Estonia before i get to the point where few months). And, if it is Magnetic Poetry that sets mankind and robot- i’m analyzing punk rock at the subatomic level) might prove fleetingly kind apart from animalkind and robot-animalkind, what exactly might it interesting in a compare/contrast sort of way, regardless if the poems be that sets punkkind and punk-robotkind apart from mankind and regu- themselves suck or not. WHICH, OF COURSE, THEY DON’T!!! THEY lar robotkind? That’s Right! PUNK ROCK MAGNETIC POETRY!!! And, ARE HOWL-LIKE IN THE SCOPE OF THEIR MAGNO-MAJESTY!!! amazingly enough, while The Man™ might put the Ergs! on Cartoon The one rule was that i had to use every single word in each poem; the Network™—and The Man™ might play the Dickies’ version of “Silent one caveat is that, not thinking things out particularly far in advance, i Night” during the Packer-Viking game—as of yet, The Man™ cannot typed up all the song titles in all caps—therefore, with no effective indi- seem to pull the trigger on Punk Rock Magnetic Poetry—which, as far as cator of top from bottom, there was no discernible way to differentiate the i can tell, makes it THE LAST GREAT FRONTIER OF UNSULLIED word “NO” from the word “ON” (or, for that matter, “IN” from “NI,” PUNKDOM AS WE KNOW IT! Needless to say, i wasted no time in set- although we are no longer the Knights Who Say “Ni,” so that particular ting about to save the Universe: Acquiring a ten-foot roll of inch-wide linguistic cocklebur did not come into play), so the two are used inter- magnetic tape from the local Megalo-Mart™ ($3.64 + tax), i took ten changeably. Razorcake regrets the error. Actually, tough shit. 28 PUNK ROCK MAGNO-POEM #1 (Classic): SUMMER SUN CAREER NOW YOUTH AUTONOMY FAMILY RIOT WE’RE (I’M) THAT BORED WANNA BEACH THE SUN AND I NO LISTEN TO THE DOORS A) WHITE WORLD NEVER TRUE PUNK GOD I KEEP MY BEAT OH YOU’RE GONE***** A NEUROTIC LOUDMOUTH BLITZKRIEG BY DAY DON’T KID THE ADDICT HAVE GUITAR & DEADLY HEART GONNA JONES YEAH MY HATE IS THE CLEAN FUTURE POLICE IN THE STREET JANIE IS ONE STRANDED CARBONA QUEEN SHOCK CONTROL U.S.A. SEVENTEEN TOMORROW WHY COMES LAW WITH A PINHEAD BOYFRIEND JIMMY & NO FAMILY THE JAIL PROMISES WILD HAPPY SHIT JIMMY THE STEADY CRETIN A WHITE PRIDE STORY REMEMBER YOUR WILD SLAVE I LOVE WHAT YOUR LITTLE PUNKS DON’T KNOW LIKE WILD WAR AND A LOBOTOMY * by this, i believe i meant Jimmy the White Pride pinhead YOU SHOULD JUST COMPLETE THE DEMOLITION WHAT’S WRONG WITH REMOTE LUST ** as the Rhythm Chicken will attest, the third Psychedelic Furs album IS IT ABOUT KICKS YOU DON’T GET? was a big homo youth album back in The Day. I seem to remember there I GO KILL THAT BABY* being about four good songs out of ten on that record, but that was obvi- WANNA MAN I’M HERE ously the beginning of the end for them, which is a shame, because Talk YOU GOTTA LOVE BODIES NOWADAYS Talk Talk is one of my favorite albums of all time. I WANNA BE THE NEED WELL I FOUGHT BAD FEELINGS GIMME ANYTHING *** “Lipstick on your chainsaw / told a tale on you-hoo / lipstick on your I ALWAYS GET PROBLEMS FROM SHEENA chainsaw / said you were untrue-hoo / bet your bottom dollar / you and I EMI LIAR DON’T GLUE BILLY’S HEART are thru / oh lipstick on your chainsaw / told a tale on you” YEAH SO NOT LOVE GIMME PETROL SEE NO CONTROL OVER YOU **** Okay, even i admit that this is getting a bit much, but the whole DANCE TO 3RD FURS IN BASEMENT** appeal of Magnetic Poetry in the first place (apart from the fact that it’s GARAGELAND ANNOYS THE BOY THIEVES compellingly satisfying to create semi-coherent solution sets from a strict- LONDON’S DANCE IS YOUR WAY? ly limited pool of potential components) is that you get to think you’re DON’T WANNA MALE I HEART GIRLS really getting away with something by making smutty innuendo. I mean, YOU WANNA NAME ME when the “real” Magnetic Poetry™ people include words like “sausage” THE OPPORTUNITIES OPENED in their kits, i highly doubt it’s in there to facilitate the magno-poet’s EVERYBODY’S GONE GIMME SOME HEAD recreation of the simple joys of the Old Country. TEENAGE ORGASM OH YEAH REV (SHE’S KISSIN’ IT ***** Damn, that was abrupt! I didn’t see it coming this time either. LIPSTICK DOWN ON MY CHAINSAW*** . SWEET SWALLOW EROTIC GLUE**** PUNK ROCK MAGNO-POEM #2 (Modern):
SOMETHING’S MESSIN’ KLEENEX TODAY N0RB WHAT A TREATMENT I ROCK APEX #265 PT. 2 I READY SWEET HEADBANGER PRETTY TEENAGE ROCKER BLACK SHEEP BORN IN THE USA COMMANDO CONFESSIONS IN YOU I CRYSTALLIZE THE COME OF WICKED PRESIDENTS STIFF PROMISES CAN’T WRONG YOU WE GOT FLUORESCENT KIDS INFECTED WITH PARANOIA* GIVE YOUTH HERE WAITING FOR CHICKEN WOMEN A DEAD GENERATION IT BE TIME TO? I RIOT AND I’M MR. PILL DAY TIME ENTERTAINMENT NIGHTS YOU CAN’T STAB GHOSTS SO I’LL COLLECT MEDICATION HARMONY WITH ROCKAWAY RAMONA THIS LIVING IS AN ETERNELLE BRAINLESS EXISTENCE GOOD GIRLS CAN’T CLASH ALERT THIS ROTTEN BEACH I’M BROKEN NOT BRIGHT A HUNDRED WHIPS BRINGING SUB-MISSION CELEBRATE A HEADACHE DOOR WAY HOLIDAYS JUMPY HUMMIN’ POLAROID BABY CAN I PORK YOU WHY YOU HAPPENED GIRL I’M THE SUPERIDER BABY CRAWL FOR MY LOVE SAVE WHAT’S VACANT IN YOU IT’S NOT SKINNY I WALK INTO THIRD I SNIFF MY BIRD DON’T CRY ABOUT THE DOG LET’S RUNAROUND THIS AFFAIR SLEEP INSIDE THE FUNNY FISTED THUNDER OF MAGIC ASS- HAPPY FINGERS TODAY NEW ANARCHY TOMORROW HOLES** LOVE HER TOUCH EVERYDAY WE SANG THE WORDS TO THE SUBURBS RECORD SHE’S YOUTH RIGHT*** YOUTH EVER PROMISES TRUTH PLASTIC GERM THINGS AND STRAP ON DICK TONIGHT SURFIN’ BOYS LISTENIN’ IN CALIFORNIA TRY TO STOP THE SATURDAY SPECIAL COUSINS NOW HOP IN HAVANA LAZY SUMMER McIDIOT LOVE 4,000 TEENAGE INCHES PUNK ROCKERS WANNA WAY AROUND GAME WHAT A PENIS UNE LOVE VITAMIN I JUMP YOU HEIL THE GOOD GEEK LIFE EVER GETTA HEART LOCKET I WANNA TARGET THE MYSTERY HATEPINK OF A GIRL OH BROKE BABY DO MODEL IT SMASH THE HIPPY’S HEAD**** I’M EVIL TODAY FALLEN SUZY CASBAH JUDY CARE TO BE ONE DO HER ALL DAY STRAIGHTEN THAT LOST UPTIGHT LOVER 53RD HAMMERSMITH GENERATION OUT BOP IN SOME CITY DUB PALAIS WHEN YOU ARE READY DANCE ON EPHEDRINE AND VENICE LONDON YORK U.K. EXCEDRIN***** LOVE? PRETTY THING YOU ART THE ONE I LOVE YOUR MIND I DO LET A SELFISH CLOWN IN SIDE CHILD LET’S HATE YA I WANNA GO DOWN ON YOU AGAIN FRIENDS I KISS THE BRAT I’M RUNDOWN BABY BLUE****** MORE WRECKED BURNING GIRL MIDNIGHT DRUGS ROT MY CHEMICAL ALCOHOLIDAY A HEART OF NOISE STILL I DO ME BEST I SO GLAD YOU MY GIRL GET YOURSELF COMING SALLY DO YOUR THING KID LOVE DEVICES ARE USED WHEN ME SEE GUANTANAMO SUMMERTIME SCREEN ROOM WAIT I TOUCHED YOUR NAKED SKIN UND BE IT NOT GRANDIR IF ASTRONUTS SAY SO GO TO THE SCOTCH NOT LE DOCTOR YES JE NE SUIS PAS JUST GIVE ME SKULL JE SO NE RIEN PAS SHE’S THE MASTER IT BE EASY NO PROBLEM YOU WAS GONE HOW IMPOSÉE 30 MORE TIMES ON TOP I CAN’T LOSE GONE WEEK HOME ARREST BOY IT’S WRONG HIT ME MONTH TRY DROWNING DÉLINQUANTE LOVE AT MACY’S AND SKELETONS WALK AT ROT YOU NIGHT ON CAME SATAN TRULY ONE HALFSIZE DICK ROLL YOUR CHOPS ON SUNDAYS GO AWAY HIPPIE TURD ANTS IN THE WOUND ME SO PROUD NO PRÉVISIBLE GIMMICK ILLUSION OF CHEESE CAN ROCK BOMB 159 COOL BOY PLACES SANS JEUNESSE THE BASTARD CALLS TIME I HEART IT! MOVE HERE (KILLED BY) THE NO SEX PILLS YOU RENT OTHER NOUVELLE OBJECTS WE DOWN MON I BORED TRY AMOUR GO TO THEIR TERRORIST-ORGANIZATION RADIO PHONING EVERYBODY NEED THE LOVE THING STUPID VINCE DON’T TOUCH ME NOTHING LIVES PROGRAMMATION J. AM AT DE SENS VEUX******* DESTROY EVERYTHING YOUNG ORANGE NIGHT AT HOME TO DÉGÉNÉRÉ FRIENDS SUICIDE IS FINE MIDLIFE ROT KILLED THE BADGER SEHR GUT SIR GO CALL APHONE OUTSIDE SCENE RECOGNITION TOUCHE DUNNO ANTISOCIAL SPEAKER JIMMY******** HATESWING MAFIA KNOWS EACH LIFE * Observation #1: Punk Rockers use bigger words these days. GO BY SHOPLIFTING CLASS PROTO STREET STYLES ** Observation #2: They also use longer sentences. TELLER SET BACK ALWAYS BIG OPERATION AND YOU CAN’T REPEL IT *** Actually, the only Suburbs song i’ve ever sang to in my life was USA NEVER CITIZEN’S DIRECTION “Chemistry Set” (complete lyrics: “I’m into chemistry and that’s about DO DRIVE OUT LAZY DAN GO WHERE I’M RIGHT it”)
**** Observation #3: Punk Rockers sing about hippies a lot more in 2004 than they did in 1977. Why is that? REV
***** (sic) .
****** Note clever Dylan reference, unless it was a N0RB clever Gene Vincent reference I
******* Okay, i freely admit it: It was a stupid idea to use the Operation S album as part of the source materi- al, given as how the brunt of the song titles were en Français. However, as a douchebag who crowed loudly and often in 2004 about how European bands should flatly give up on singing in English and just belt out their tunes in their goofy native tongues, i thought i might come off as wankeresque if i left the Frenchies out of the equation simply because they weren’t proper- ly Anglophonic. In hindsight, i probably shoulda used the songs from The Girls’ album instead. Quel the fuck domage.
******** Jimmy??? Didn’t i whack that fuck in 1977???
GRAND SWEEPING CONCLUSION: Well, taken at the molecular level, classic punk seems to be about being a degenerate, fucking young girls who later spurn you, and going to prison. Modern punk seems to be about being a degenerate, fucking degener- ate girls who later spurn you, and killing yourself. If anyone in our studio audience feels that they want to take a whack at assembling a Punk Rock Magno- Poem™ with a happy ending out of these or any other sufficiently punk rock word-molecules, i would wel- come any and all sub-missions. However, do not, FOR ONE SECOND, think that just cutting a bunch of words up and reassembling them without first duly affixing them to a properly magnetic backing will be allowed nor tolerated. I may not believe in much these days, but there is one vital code i adhere to with stone cold cer- tainty: DEATH TO FALSE MAGNETIC POETRY!!! Also, please send me really big lava lamps in the mail.
Løve, –Nørb
31 LLLL EE SWW RRS CCAA IDEE TTHHEE DDOOGG AA MMOONNKKEEYY TTOO RRID AANN SSEE
The Purple Mormon Bike So Oscar jammed on the brakes and whipped the Torino station wagon into the edge of an orange grove. Eddie grabbed the video camera with We were all pretty surprised when Oscar decided to leave us and go one hand and a boom box with the other. He jumped out the door of the off on a Mormon mission. Most of us didn’t even know he was Mormon. car and ran back to the possum. Eddie knew. He knew that Oscar was a Mormon. Eddie didn’t know about When he got there, he set the camera and box down and knelt by the the mission, though. And, in fact, the mission kinda fucked Eddie. possum. He poked it with a stick. Its head rolled on its shoulders. Blood See, Oscar and Eddie were roommates. Oscar didn’t tell Eddie about was caked underneath it. This poor guy wasn’t playing dead. He was dead. the mission until about two days before rent was due when Oscar said, Eddie took the stick and pushed the possum forward, out of the pool “Uh, I’m not gonna pay rent next month. And by the way, I won’t pay rent of blood. Then he walked across the road and set up the camera and the anymore or have any more money for bills because next week I’m going boom box. to Costa Rica to convert Ticos to the Church of the Latter Day Saints and By now, Oscar had turned the Torino station wagon around and pulled if this leaves you broke, well, fuck you. It’s the Christian way.” Or some- up next to Eddie. “What are you doing?” he asked. thing like that. I’m sure Oscar phrased it better than that. I wasn’t there. I “Back up,” Eddie said. “And when I give you the signal, come haul- just know the story by how Eddie told it. Anyway, the actions were the ing ass down the road, swerve off it, and hit the possum with your driver same, even if the words were different. side tires. Okay?” It was Oscar’s mission, though, that led us to be here six months later, Oscar started giggling and backing up. seven of us lying in the grass by the community dock, writhing in pain like Eddie got behind the camera. He double checked the cassette in the some kind of bombed out beach bum triage. Eddie, who’d already taken boom box, but there was no doubt what tape it was. Margin Walker by his lumps, limped up the dock with the purple Mormon bike between his Fugazi. The only cassette we listened to that summer. My best memory of SEAN CARSWELL SEAN legs. Ready to deal it its final death blow. Oscar, the closest I ever came to being friends with him, was when he But I should back up a little and let you know who Oscar was. called me up and said, “Ian Mackaye has a new band. I have the tape. Come over.” We didn’t know about the other cassette Fugazi had released Oscar and I weren’t really friends. I just hung out with him because he six months earlier. Merritt Island was still a small town then. Word trav- was part of our group and I was part of our group. But there would be no eled slow. Margin Walker was the first we’d heard from Ian Mackaye love lost between the two of us. I didn’t like him because he would always since Minor Threat’s Complete Discography, and we’d all worn out two fuck with me whenever I tried to talk to girls. I’d be at a party chatting or three cassette copies of that album. Anyway, I went over to Oscar’s that someone up and Oscar would come along and say shit like, “Dude, you left your crab shampoo in my car,” and he’d say to the girl, “It’s true, he has crabs.” Shit like that. Drove me nuts. And it went both ways. Oscar loathed me. And to be honest, he had every right to loathe me. For one thing, I started it by giving him the nickname Oscar, back in the sixth grade. His last name was Meyer, and he was a bit of a weenie. It seemed like a no-brainer to me. I didn’t expect it to catch on as well as it did. But it caught on. It got to the point where, in high school, no one remembered his real first name. He dated this one girl for six months dur- ing his sophomore year before she finally got a peep at his driver’s license and found out his real first name: Brian. She broke up with him. Said that he’d been lying to her all this time about his name. How could she ever trust him now? Oscar blamed me. Probably still blames me. I made matters worse for Oscar during our senior year. He and I and this kid named Neil were hanging out at Oscar’s place, listening to music and Oscar decided he was gonna fart on Neil’s head. It was all innocent enough, I guess, but I didn’t like it because he was always picking on Neil. And so Oscar went up to Neil and tried to fart on his head, only a little squirt came out with the gas. Neil heard it and jumped out of the way before any poop hit him, but pretty soon, Oscar was running to the bath- room with a brown snail sliming down his leg. The next day, there were flyers all over school that had a bad comic rendition of a mid-shit Oscar on it and it said, “Oscar Meyer now has an easy squirt bottle!” Everyone knew what it meant. And everyone knew I made the flyer. So, yeah, I was- n’t Oscar’s favorite guy. Eddie and Oscar were tight, though. They were possum brothers.
The summer after high school, Oscar’s dad had given him a video camera. One day, he and Eddie were rolling around town in Oscar’s Torino station wagon. It was one of the coolest cars I’d ever seen, even if I did call it the weenie mobile to Oscar’s face. It was gunmetal gray, sleek, perfectly restored. Seventies and shiny rims. Bad fucking ass. And they were cruising down Tropical Trail when Eddie saw a dead possum in the road. He nearly jumped out of his seat. “Pull over!” he screamed. “What?” Oscar said, panicked. “What is it?” “Pull over!” Eddie kept screaming. “Pull the fuck over!” night. It was about a week after high school graduation, and I was feeling “After he does, I’m gonna kick you when you’re down,” I added. I like shit was finally gonna happen in my life and here we had Fugazi, Ian thought about tossing the cassette out the window, but instead we all just Mackaye not screaming but singing. And that fucking bass. It sounded let the subject drop. perfect. We just kept flipping that tape over and over and over. Perfect. So back to the side of the road: Eddie started his little film. He pushed More things kept creeping up that fall. For one thing, Oscar started play without cueing anything up on the boom box. I guess he figured any dating one of those God Squad broads. One of the Mormon God song was as good as the next. The cassette was on “Promises.” Eddie Squadders, not one of the Baptist ones. I’d go over to their place to hang turned on the video camera and talked over the song. He said, “Possum, out with Eddie, and Oscar and his girl would be lying on the couch togeth- you’re nothing to me now. You’re not a brother; you’re not a friend. I er. Not making out or anything. Not even watching TV or talking. Just don’t want to know you, or what you do. I don’t want to see you at the spooning. It would’ve been sweet if it wasn’t so fucking pitiful. Shortly hotels. I don’t want you near my house. When you come to visit our moth- after he started seeing her, he quit drinking, too. He’d still hang out with er, I want to know a day in advance, so I won’t be there.” Straight out of us in bars when he wasn’t home spooning his little God Squad broad. He The Godfather, Part II. I guess Eddie had it memorized. But then he start- just wouldn’t drink. He’d drive, though, which was cool. I liked having I’d be at a party chatting someone up and Oscar would come along and say shit like, “Dude, you left your crab shampoo in my car.” ed ad libbing. “In fact, Possum, it’s time for you to meet my friend Oscar.” the designated driver. I liked it so much that I never threw any of his Then he yelled, “Oscar!” Christian rock cassettes out the window. I didn’t let Oscar play them when The camera stayed focused on the possum. Eddie turned up the stereo. I was in the car, but I didn’t throw them out, either. SEAN CARSWELL Fugazi screamed, “Promises, promises, promises, words,” again and The last little change in Oscar came when he quit cussing. Suddenly, again. The Torino station wagon came into the frame of the camera, all his “fucks” were turned into “lumps.” As in: swerving off the road, kicking up mud and grass. The driver’s side wheels “Hey Oscar, did you fuck that Mormon chick, yet?” stayed on the pavement. You could hear Eddie laughing and see Oscar “Man, lump you.” grinning as the Torino barreled over the dead possum. Eddie pulled it I swear to God or whoever that I wanted to beat his ass every time he together long enough to finish it off. “You were my brother, Possum,” he did that. It made me so fucking mad. I guess I brought the anger on said. “I loved you.” The shot ended with the possum lying squashed on the myself, though, by asking him that question every time I saw him. road and the Fugazi song cutting out. After that, it seemed like Eddie and Oscar were at every party I went Finally, December rolled around. Oscar was driving Eddie and Neil to that summer, showing that same old video. I probably would’ve gotten and Neil’s sometime-girlfriend Tina home from the bar when Neil asked sick of it, but that background song. What a song. Oscar, “When are you taking off on that mission?” And so that was Eddie and Oscar, their whole lives wrapped up in a “What’s the mission?” Tina asked. Tina was the kind of broad who minute-long short: Eddie trying to make something out of nothing, seeing was always looking to get into some kind of mischief. She probably possibilities in roadkill, always thinking. And Oscar, just along to fuck shit thought that when Neil said “mission,” he meant it like, “Your mission up and kick down a dead possum. tonight is to steal your dad’s boat and take us all skinny-skiing.” At least that’s what I would’ve thought, had I been there. Fast forward a few years. That summer ended and we all left for col- Instead, Neil answered the question, “Oscar’s going to Costa Rica.” lege and kept in touch and hung out together during summers and eventu- “What? To go surfing?” Tina asked. ally Eddie and Oscar and I all graduated college and ended up back in “Nope. To spread the word of the Latter Day fucking Saints,” Neil Merritt Island. Sure, there’d been a lot of talk about leaving that town and said. never coming back. There’s always that kind of talk. But when you grad- “Latter Day Lumping Saints,” Tina corrected. uate college and you have no money and no one’s hiring, you do what you Eddie snapped into the conversation at this point. “You’re going on a can. What we all could do was go back to the hometown and get the crap- mission, Oscar? For real?” py jobs like we worked every summer and try to make shit happen. It was Oscar nodded. slow going. “When?” Eddie asked. Around this time, I started noticing little changes in Oscar. Like, one “Day after tomorrow,” Oscar said. afternoon, Eddie, Oscar, and I were all heading to the beach in that Torino station wagon. Eddie and Oscar sat up front. I sat in the back seat. Eddie Sure enough, the next day, Oscar moved his shit out of the apartment rooted around the pile on the passenger side floor, looking for some music and back into his parents’ house. He did it while Eddie was gone and made to play. He kept picking stuff up and holding it out for my inspection. He off with most of the pots and pans and food in the fridge and pretty much found some nasty old socks, a crusty pair of baggies, an old guitar string, everything else that he could get into the back of that Torino station random shit like that. This went on for about five minutes before Eddie wagon. Eddie came from work when Oscar was on the last load. That’s held up a cassette tape and said, “Hey, Oscar, what’s this bullshit?” when Oscar promised to pay the bills and rent and shit until Eddie found I looked at the tape. It was strange. Strange in the sense that it looked another roommate. And, of course, Oscar never did. He just took off. like some kind of adult contemporary shit. The cover had a photo of a guy The only thing left was the purple Mormon bike. It was actually a with that stylized eighth-inch stubble on his face, looking like it would pretty cool beach cruiser, the purple notwithstanding. Eddie probably take longer to get your stubble that perfect than it would to just fucking could’ve sold it for about a hundred bucks and made back some of what shave. And his hair looked like he may have tried out for Wham! but he lost on the lack of roommate situation. But Eddie didn’t sell it. He just George Michael said, “No, dude, you look so gay you’d yank me right out rode it around town for a few months. of the closet.” I had no idea who this guy was, but I could tell I didn’t like him. And I couldn’t figure out what this tape was doing in this car. I mean, In April, Eddie got a letter from Oscar. He brought the letter to the bar shit, Oscar’s the guy who introduced me to the Dead Kennedys. So I said, with him and read it to me and Tina and a few more of us. The letter was “Tell me that’s a lost, great New Wave album that no one heard of because all about how the Mormons down there called the local women “snakes” the cover’s so lame.” because they’d hiss whenever the Mormons rode by in their stupid white “It’s not, dude,” Eddie said. “It’s fucking Christian rock.” short sleeve shirts with ties attached. Well, Oscar didn’t add the part about I snatched the cassette out of Eddie’s hand, partly to have a closer the shirts. I added that. But, anyway, that was the whole letter. And Eddie look, partly to make sure the cassette was as far as possible from the was pissed off. Unreasonably so. stereo. I looked through the titles. One of them said something about a Tina was pissed off, too. She said, “Man, that’s bullshit. They’re cross, but otherwise there was nothing overtly Christian about it. I almost women, not snakes. It’s not like they asked his Mormon ass to come down asked Eddie how he knew what it was at all, but then I remembered that there and knock on their door with his stupid ass religion.” he’d spent about half of the previous summer trying to make it with one “You get mad at Oscar for calling women ‘snakes’ but you never get of those God Squad broads. “Did your mom leave this in here, Oscar?” I mad at me for calling women ‘broads’?” I asked. Tina shrugged. I turned asked. I was trying to give him an out. to Eddie, “And you get mad at Oscar for this letter but you didn’t get mad But, no, Oscar said, “It’s my tape. It’s pretty good. Here, let’s listen.” at him for leaving you without a roommate and with all those bills?” He reached back to take the cassette from me. I held it farther away. “You just don’t understand,” Eddie said. “It’s just like him and that Eddie said, “Oscar, if you play this tape, I’m gonna beat your ass.” girl spooning on the couch for hours. You know, like, why 33 don’t they just fuck already? They’re all grown up. They can fuck if they remember Oscar owning. All of them gone. Warped in the Florida heat. want to.” Melted. Ground under the wheels of a frontendloader at the county dump. Eddie was right. I didn’t understand. But that night, we all went back Gone. to Eddie’s for an after hours party. At around three A.M., Eddie said, “I We got maudlin. We ordered shots and drank to our fallen heroes. We have a mission for us.” cursed our high school poverty because, the truth was, we didn’t own our He grabbed the purple Mormon bike and went out the front door. A own copies of a lot of those albums. We’d talked Oscar into buying them few of us followed, curious. Eddie rolled the bike down to the communi- because Oscar’s parents had a lot of money and would let him buy what- ty dock, three blocks from his house. The dock was about two hundred ever he wanted. And, in the day and age of cassettes, all of the music of feet long and four feet wide and it stretched out into the Indian River. Two our youth was about three years from warping, getting eaten in the roller hundred feet from shore, the Indian River is usually about three feet deep. of a tape deck, fading away. The dock was six feet high. We stayed at Shuttles until the whole crew showed up and drank with Eddie rode the bike onto the dock. He licked his finger and held it up us and helped us mourn. We drank and mourned everything from the And his hair looked like he may have tried out for Wham! but George Michael said, “No, dude, you look so gay you’d yank me right out of the closet.” in the air, like he was checking the Misfits songs that we used to wind. He turned to those of us who scream out in the mall to the first
were on shore in front of the dock, four Dead Milkmen albums to SEAN CARSWELL and he smiled. Without another Milo Goes to College to Post- word, he started pedaling as fast as Mersh, Vol. I to Margin Walker. he could, down the whole two Fucking Margin Walker. hundred feet of the dock, tires clunking over the spaces between After the bars closed, we all planks, Eddie’s figure silhouted in ended up back at the community the moonlight, and finally, the bike dock. The purple Mormon bike flying off the end of the dock, fol- was going down. There was no lowed by a splash. other recourse. Eddie went first. I ran down the dock as soon as He pedaled as fast as he could Eddie landed in the water. Not down the two hundred feet of because I was worried he was hurt. dock, hit the air, then hit the river- Because it looked like fun and I bottom hard. He stood up dazed. It wanted the next turn. hadn’t rained in over a month, so Eddie stood in the three feet of the water level was way down. water and handed the bike to me. I The river was only about two feet pedaled it back to shore, turned deep at the end of the dock. Eddie around, and took my turn, flying down the dock, launching the purple wasn’t expecting this. The fall had fucked up his knee, though Eddie was- Mormon bike into the river, catching the front tire in the river and flying n’t sure how bad it was. Still, he said nothing. He handed the bike up onto over the handlebars into the cushion of warm water. the dock and waded back to shore, doing his best to hide his new limp. Tina went next. We all took a few turns that night. After that, it became I went next. The fall was farther than I’d expected, too. The water a thing to do once the bars closed. We kept at if for three or four weeks shallower. My knee made out okay, but I wracked my balls when I went before we got bored and went back to just drinking. over the handlebars. I didn’t say anything either. In fact, no one said any- thing. We all just went. One by one. Everyone crashing hard. Everyone In June, Eddie got the mother of all letters from Oscar. He called me keeping it to themselves until the whole group had gone over the edge of up and said, “Dude, you gotta meet me at Shuttles right now.” Shuttles the dock. was our hangout. Just a dive bar in north Merritt Island, nestled between The bike was in pretty bad shape. The front rims had gotten warped. an orange grove and a junkyard with old rocket parts from Kennedy Space The chain was rusted out from all the other times we’d ridden the bike into Center. I didn’t ask Eddie what it was all about. I just drove up there. the river. The gooseneck was stripped and you could hardly steer the bike When I got to Shuttles, Eddie was waiting for me, with a pitcher of at all. The back tire was flat. We sat around the grass in front of the com- beer and two shots. I sat at the stool next to him. Eddie didn’t say a word. munity dock, nursing our wounds, looking at the bike. Tina said, “We’re He poured me a beer from the pitcher and slid it over. I said, “Thanks.” not gonna be doing this anymore.” Eddie didn’t answer. He pushed the shot of whiskey in front of me. Neil said, “Nah, you can fix that bike. A little oil. Tighten the spokes. “You better drink this,” he said. Fix the back tube. It’ll be good as new.” I didn’t need my arm twisted. I raised the shot, said, “Cheers,” and I looked at Eddie. Eddie stared at the bike. Neil was right. It was beat- downed it. When the whiskey shivers were over, I said, “Why all the en, but not broken. Eddie stood up and rolled the bike back onto the dock. drama, Eddie?” He stood on the pedals and rode that thing down the dock one last time. Eddie pulled out an international mail envelope. He fingered the red The back rim thumping on the boards, chain squeaking, everything wob- and blue diagonals at the edges, before pulling out the letter. “You’re not bling, Eddie drunk and doing all he could to keep from going off the side. gonna believe this,” he said. When he hit the air at the end, instead of popping the front wheel up, he I picked up the letter and read it. Eddie was right. I couldn’t believe it. jammed it down, crashing it hard into the riverbottom and rolling head I ordered two more shots. Eddie and I both drank before we said anything. first over the handlebars and into the water. Amazingly, he wasn’t injured. “He got rid of them all. Just fucking threw them away,” Eddie said. The bike, though, was done. The front forks had bent into the frame. One I nodded. I hated to hear the words. Because what the letter said was of the pedals fell off into the river. Eddie decided to leave the rest of the that Oscar had written his mom from Costa Rica and asked her to throw bike in the river with it. Let the barnacles grow on the decomposing steel. away all his old punk rock records, tapes, CDs. Everything. If it wasn’t Let the fish come feed off it. Christian, she tossed it. To make matters worse, she’d tossed them all in He waded back up to shore. His scraggly blond hair hung in his eyes. April and Oscar didn’t tell us until June just to make sure we didn’t try to His t-shirt clung to his skinny chest. He made no effort to hide the limp. pick his trash. It was for our own good, the letter said. That’s why he said He just grinned as sang the refrain of an old Fugazi song, “That’s the price he didn’t just donate all the music to Goodwill: because evil needs to be you pay, for hoping every slip’s not a slide.” stamped out, not passed on. “It breaks my heart to think of it,” Eddie said. “That Frankenchrist –Sean Carswell album in a landfill somewhere, warping in the heat.” “Those early Minor Threat seven inches,” I said. ENDNOTE: Gorsky Press just published a collection of short stories “That fucking Bad Brains vinyl,” Eddie said. written by me. It’s called Barney’s Crew. You can get it at “And the Big Boys. The fucking Big Boys,” I said.
NNOORRTTHH LLIINNCCOOLLNN
IINTERVIIEW BY JJAANNEELLLLEE JJOONNEESS
PHOTOS BY BBRROOOOKKEE LLAACCKKEEYY
ruth be told, I hadn’t heard North Lincoln until just recently nd North Lincoln isn’t all these guys have their hands full with their debut LP Truth Is a Menace, even though they’ve with, either. Au contraire, in this “spider-web of bands” that Tbeen around for years. Upon first listen, I was instantly Ais the Grand Rapids music scene, the three musicians—gui- grabbed by their fun-loving, spirited and melodic yet edgy and, at tarist/vocalist Kevin Nunn, drummer John Massel, and some points, pretty damn aggressive punk rock. And now, with bassist/vocalist Brian Beckwith—are each in a number of other their album’s release and a big tour planned, this Michigan-based bands as well, including two (the successful hardcore troupe Don trio already have planned a great start to the New Year, which is Knotts and The Andorras, a Sweet Baby cover band) in which all wonderful, as they stand to initiate many others who, like me, were three take part. unfortunately missing out.
Janelle: When you guys first formed the band, you were all in other Kevin: Surprisingly, yeah. Every time on the road when we actually end bands at the time. They were different styles than this? up getting there and realize what’s going on, you feel sort of bummed Kevin: They weren’t so much different styles, just… we all knew each because you think everyone’s gonna hate us, and then a lot of times it other while we were playing in those other bands and then I started works out and we end up getting some people liking us. playing with one of John’s bands and he asked me if I wanted to start a Janelle: What’s North Lincoln like in the live environment? band. I was just like, “Yeah, why the hell not?” Then he got a hold of Kevin: Sometimes we’re really tight, sometimes we’re pretty sloppy, Brian, which is how it started. but we’re always looking to have some fun and have a good show. We Janelle: So, from the beginning you had an idea of what you guys want- put a lot of energy into our set; we’re not just standing there. We always ed to sound like? end up with a couple bruised lips or chipped teeth. Last summer I had Kevin: No, we had no idea what we were gonna do. We started back in to get a tooth replaced after one of our tours ‘cause it got chipped down ’99, so we were just learning how to play instruments; we had no idea so much by the microphone. That wasn’t fun, but… [laughs] what we were doing. The way we sound now, it doesn’t sound com- Janelle: So it gets a little hazardous at times… pletely different from when we started, it’s just more developed and Kevin: Yeah. We like to get into it. I think that’s why we especially like we’ve progressed. I guess it doesn’t sound horribly different, but it playing shows in basements. We like to be very interactive. It’s a lot doesn’t sound really that much the same, either. more fun when people can be right there in your face. Janelle: So what were your early shows like? Janelle: Do you have dental insurance or did you have to pay for that Kevin: We just pretty much played anywhere we could. Our first show yourself? we sorta party-crashed on another show in our friend’s basement. The Kevin: I had to pay for it myself. second show was another friend’s birthday party, in her bedroom. Janelle: Out of money you made on tour? [Laughs] Pretty much did anything we could and they were always pret- Kevin: No, I had to use money I’d saved up, which sucked. It was sup- ty small. One thing that’s always sorta held on with our shows is that we posed to be my money that was going towards the down payment on a always play any show with any kinds of bands. We end up playing a lot house… It’s better than not being able to eat. [laughs] of metal shows and stuff like that. Janelle: Did you have a lot of the tour left when you chipped it? Janelle: When you play those types of shows, you’re well received? Kevin: Well, what happened was I chipped it at a show in Michigan and 40 It’s just a great little scene sorta hidden away in Michigan that not that many people know about. Janelle: Are there a lot of places to play? Kevin: No, not at all. We’re talking a maximum of two DIY spaces, a coffee shop, and one or two bars is all we have going on, but most of the time it doesn’t really matter. You can pretty much set up a show anywhere if you’re booking it, which is pretty nice. Back a few years ago when ska had blown up pretty huge, Grand Rapids had a really huge scene going on, so it was sorta nice. Before North Lincoln, we were still playing in those other bands and there were tons of kids at every show. And then right around the time we started North Lincoln there was a big drop-off in music and the scene in this town. There was nothing. It was like that for two or three years, where the most people you’d get at a show was twenty, tops. It was pretty bad. Then it slowly started picking back up once we got new venues and stuff rolling in. Now it’s great. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Janelle: As for the city itself, are there any downsides? Kevin: Yeah, every city has its downside. There’s always some- thing wrong with any town. I called Var two nights ago when I was at work like, “Oh, what are you doing?” I was just shooting the shit with him, and he’s like, “Ah man, it’s so cold down here!” And it’s funny ‘cause I sorta paused. He’s like, “Oh shit. Isn’t it like ten below up in Grand Rapids?” “Yeah.” [laughs] Janelle: Yeah, what was it down there, fifty, sixty? Kevin: Yeah, it was fifty-five there and negative four here when I talked to him. But that really doesn’t even count as a downside to this town. You know, I can’t think of any downside of living in this town. I guess sometimes you wish there were more people around to come to the shows and stuff. It’s the biggest town in Michigan, but we’re not huge; a sixty-person turnout at a show is a huge suc- cess for a show here. But yeah, there’s no downside to living here. Janelle: What would you like people to know about North Lincoln?
WE ALWAYS END UP WITH A COUPLE BRUISED LIPS OR CHIPPED TEETH. LAST SUMMER I HAD TO GET A TOOTH REPLACED AFTER ONE OF OUR TOURS ‘CAUSE IT GOT CHIPPED DOWN SO MUCH BY THE MICROPHONE. then it slowly got chipped time and time again over a bunch of shows. I did- Kevin: One of the things I’m most proud of with the band is we put n’t even think anything was really wrong with it, but when I saw it in the mir- a lot of heart and thought in the lyrics in a time when it seems like ror for the first time when we got back, I was like, “Eh, I should probably get a lot of bands don’t. The things we say, the things we write about, it checked out.” And then when I got it checked out, the dentist was just like, we wholeheartedly live by. We really live strongly by what we’re “You need to get that fixed right away ‘cause that thing’s gonna fall out.” But saying through our songs. That’s one of my favorite things about it wasn’t all at one show. It’s the one tooth I always used to hit every time I’d this band. go to sing into the mic. Janelle: Does everyone have a say in the lyrics? Janelle: You guys are pretty—I don’t wanna say proud—but you guys are Kevin: Yeah, completely. We had a song on one of our first CDs really into where you’re from. that one of our friends wrote. She wasn’t in the band; she just want- Kevin: Yeah, totally. When we get a lot of the reviews and stuff like that, it’s ed to get her messages out with that song. Brain and I flow back and funny because people say we have the “Gainesville sound.” [laughter] But, forth between lyrics. John’s written a couple songs lyrically. One of you know, North Lincoln is the Grand Rapids sound—the way a lot of the the main things with our lyrics is we write songs for everyone and stuff sounds up here. We based the band heavily on the town ‘cause we’ve songs that anyone can relate to. When you read the lyrics, you’re been around for so many years now and all our main support comes from all not seeing a lot of songs where it’s “I”; we use a lot of “we,” “us,” our friends and family in Grand Rapids. We’re very dedicated to where we “together.” Yeah, lyrics are very important, but we’re completely come from. We love this town. It’s the main foundation of who we are. open to anything about them. Janelle: What makes it so great to you? Janelle: What song did your friend write? Kevin: What’s a good way to put it? The scene here’s not full of the bullshit Kevin: It was a song called “Just Remember.” It was the first thing that’s in a lot of towns. Sometimes the shows in a lot of the other bigger cities we recorded. Some local guy wanted us to do a CD so we record- and whatnot, there’s so much bullshit going on that sometimes it’s hard to ed twelve songs and it’s on that, but it’s pretty much impossible to enjoy the show. And around here, everyone’s just out looking for a good time. find. 41 Janelle: What’s it about? people look and all that stupid stuff. I think that song really sums Kevin: She was actually quite older and she was going through a divorce and up the way you feel sometimes. one of her children was really sick, and she had just written about what she Janelle: Also, I was just wondering, did it take a while to come was going through at the time, trying to not get too down about it. up with the band name? Janelle: The way it’s written, is it like what you do with the “we” so that Kevin: No. When we first started, we had another band name. everyone can relate to it? [Pauses] I’m sorry. I totally forgot what it was. Oh man, I wish Kevin: Yeah, that song’s written the same way, a very open song where just Brian was here. He’d know. But yeah, I think we played only two by reading it you might not get exactly what the song’s about, but you take or three shows under that band name. It wasn’t horrible; it was something out of it that means something to you. The lyrics were really good. just sort of a little cheesy. We were just trying to come up with I asked her if I could use ‘em and she said, “Yeah, no problem,” so I just wrote something new. At that point, I was starting college and flipping music to go along with it. through textbooks or whatever, and I read about Martin Luther Janelle: It’ll be hard, but is there any one song in particular that, lyrically, King Jr. and it was talking about one of his first speeches on really means more to you than the others? North Lincoln Avenue, Washington, D.C. I was like, “That’s sort Kevin: It’s actually one of Brian’s songs—“Satellite,” the first song on the of a cool band name.” Somehow I ended up getting them to album—that’s one of the political songs, but I think it’s some of the best lyrics change it. They both hated it, though. he’s ever written. We’ve written so many fuckin’ songs. [Laughs] It’s so hard Janelle: They hated it? to think of. I have songs that might not mean that much to me but they just Kevin: I think so. Someone didn’t like it. I think most of our remind me of things. Like “Who’s Counting Anyway” is one of the songs on friends didn’t, but now we can just rub it in their faces. [Laughs] the album. That song means a lot to me because it’s a very Grand Rapids- Janelle: Is it hard being in a band and being a father? based song, all the lyrics are about people at home. There’s one on a 7” that Kevin: Well, right now it hasn’t really felt like it is, but we also was released last year called “Belt Buckles and High Waters,” and that song haven’t toured yet since she’s been born, so I haven’t had to expe- was another one of Brian’s where it’s about how a lot of people going to shows rience the separation or anything like that. That March tour will now care less about the music and more just about the dumb aspects like how be the first time I go away. It’ll be interesting to see how it handles.
OUR FIRST SHOW WE SORTA PARTY-CRASHED ON ANOTHER SHOW IN OUR FRIEND’S BASEMENT. THE SECOND SHOW WAS ANOTHER FRIEND’S BIRTHDAY PARTY, IN HER BEDROOM.
Janelle: Has being a father changed your outlook or your world- view or anything like that? Kevin: Yeah, totally. I think one of the things I just sorta realized was with the elections back in November. I was always political, but it was always the main points that everybody follows, and after I had my daughter, it’s like you start realizing a lot of the local government issues like state- and city-wise and all stuff like that are all the things that matter and nobody even pays attention to that’s really gonna fuck shit up for our kids. I follow the local government more closely, try to pay attention to that stuff. What was the other thing you said? Janelle: Just your outlook on life. Kevin: Well, it changes everything. It’s so hard to put it into words. It changes everything in a really good way. I try to appre- ciate everything a lot more. We’re getting ready to go back out in March and it’s the first time I ever thought, “Man, I hope we don’t get into an accident on the road,” or anything like that. Before I never thought anything about that. Janelle: Well, saying that, it must feel good to know that, with a child, you’re so needed. You’re so vital to this person. Kevin: Yeah, someone’s depending on me. But going on the road, that can make you really worried ‘cause it’s like, “What if we get in an accident? What if I don’t make enough money to pay the house payment or the heat bill?” or anything like that. It makes you take a lot closer look at what we’re trying to do. It makes me wanna play that much more ‘cause it’d be nice to have it at that point where when she gets older she can respect what I’ve been trying to do with my life. It makes me wanna play that much more and makes me appreciate it that much more that I get to play. I don’t even know if that makes sense. Janelle: Yeah, I really think it does.
http://www.northlincoln.cjb.net/
43 I have never been punched in the face before. damp, dripping and moss-covered, like the Beau: I was born first. But I have balled up my tiny fingers into a interior of an old abandoned car left out to Bill: Okay, well then you were born first. Ah tangerine-sized fist and hurled it at my little rot. It is heavy, but not to the point where it wait… I was born first. Okay. My name is brother’s head. I am familiar with the anxi- doesn’t move. It drives, bringing life and William Ernest Badgley, a.k.a. Dirty Bill. I play ety and adrenaline that gushes from your motion, warmth and a dry place to stay. guitar. November 29th 1976, Yakima, guts to your arm, shooting out from your From Washington State, to kitchens in San Washington. I was born to a piano teacher and knuckles. Then there’s the euphoria after- Francisco, to the streets of Brooklyn, road worker… well, he wasn’t a road worker wards. Oh, the euphoria! That’s how it feels through the humidity of the southeast, and until much later. He worked in a cemetery at when you see Federation X live. It feels like along the beaches of Southern California, that time. I am the first generation out of three beating up on someone who is smaller and Federation-X has been going at it for years. that’s not in the cemetery business. weaker than you and being completely Breaking out of the home state with the van BD: Why’s that? unapologetic about it. Their two four-string breaking down—and all seeming to go in Bill: My dad didn’t like to do it and he was guitars create a heavy chaos brought on by opposition—they make it through and make retired when I was born. The first house I lived the thumping of your heart and the throb- it better. Maybe it’s because they never seem in was on the cemetery. But they weren’t tied to bing in your head. The beat burrows its way to worry or look for a place to screw up; they that. through the soft crevices in your brain, leav- seem to move and make music like magic. BD: What was your dad doing for the ceme- ing you with no remorse and on the hunt for –BD tery? more defenseless kids. You watch the band Ben: Bill’s trying to say he’s been digging maneuver between spurts of songs and you Interview conducted inside the House of Pies graves since the day he was born. smile through the sweat that stings your eye. BD: Have you been digging graves? Oh, the euphoria! –Funzilla BD: What are your names and what do you Bill: Just metaphorical graves. I’m out of the play? literal cemetery business—okay, who was born Federation-X comes from a land of rain, Bill: [to Ben] You start first, since you were next? clouds, lakes, cold, and more rain—the born first. Beau: Zorbatron. Drums. Outer space. Period. Pacific Northwest. Their sound is dark and Ben: Naw, I wasn’t born first. Ben: Ben Wildenhaus, a.k.a. BamBooza, born in Ohio. Guitar. 44 BD: You’re not from outer space? You don’t dig graves? Ben: No. Catholic farmers. BD: So that was never intentional? Ben: We do everything the most difficult way Bill and Beau: He’s a biplane pilot. [Ben’s Beau: Yeah, and still, to this day, they’ve never possible. wearing a scarf and what looks like an old used more than four strings. Bill: That’s a good point to bring up. That’s one leather pilot’s flight cap.] Ben: We also knew we were right together of the reasons I always wanted to stick with this Beau: [in reference to Ben’s mustache] Your when we all tried to solder strings together. situation, is that you can try as hard as you upper lip gets really cold flying a biplane. Bill: We were breaking strings in those early want. Try to be as smart as you want, but you BD: There was something said last night to practices. We were practicing in the lounge at will always fuck up. But for some reason we’ve Funzilla about a stolen butt? Care to explain? the college. gotten totally lucky and everything seems to Bill: Well, I was telling Ben: The student work out. Funzilla that Ben was on a lounge. Beau: I think it’s that other people are always fact-finding mission in Peru, BD: So you were covering our asses. and he fell in league with some risky prostitutes who stole his butt. He tried to buy it back last Christmas on eBay but lost the bid by a dollar. In response to that he says, “What one loses,” [points to his ass] “one gains.” [points to the ‘stache] Ben: That’s why I now wear belts. BD: How did Fed-X come about? Ben: Beau and I approached Bill—we had met when we were in high school—through the Vanek Family… BD: Who’s that? Bill: Ian (Japanther), Josh… Ben: Ian, his brother, then Matt was in the Way Downs. Josh has the label called Wantage Records. Bill: Yeah, they lived next door to me in Yakima when we were like fifteen, and me and Ian and Matt were in a band together called the Play Doctors. Then later on we were in a band called Clever and Josh put out his first cassette single. It was us (The Clevers) and another band. It was funny ‘cause Ian’s mom would solve all of our band problems. We would want Ian to play certain parts and she would make Ian play it. Beau: Ben and Ian and I were in a band in high school called the Teamsters and we practicing on the campus? Ben: It’s also that we’re pretty good at dealing broke up. Then I came to Bellingham, and Ben Beau: Yeah, in the student lounge of the dorm I with—whatever. was already here and we continued to play was living in. Hours be damned. Bill: Plus we are extremely lucky. And opti- music together, but we didn’t have a band Bill: We’re walking in and yelling and tying mistic. going. We were just kinda messing around. The strings together… Beau: And have really good friends. first incarnation had Kevin Borden playing Beau: People are coming in to get their mail… BD: How long did the practicing in the lounge drums and I was playing guitar and singing, Ben: We were all totally retarded and that sort go for? which I had done in the Teamsters, but then I of efficiency has continued to this day. Bill: After that first tour we found some other decided that I wanted to switch to drums, and Bill: I remember we were trying to solder a places. Ben and I had made this demo tape at a local string, and we couldn’t get the solder on the Beau: Some basements here and there. studio. We were kind of thinking about who joint of the string, so we’d pile the solder before BD: So when you came together you had two else could be in the band and he mentioned that where the joint was and up till it reached the four-string guitars. You couldn’t solder strings Bill was in town and he knew him from back in joint. So it rose above where the string was together. What determined the sound you were the day. So he gave him the tape and we went snapped, and included the connection. It was a going for? down and practiced, and it just clicked. pile of solder. Bill: I don’t think we ever talked about it. BD: What year was that? Beau: I didn’t know that you were supposed to Beau: I think we all just had the same thing in Beau: That was spring of ’98, I’d say. I think heat the thing you were soldering. mind, which is heavy, loud rock. I mean, it’s not we all kind of knew that the chemistry was Bill: We didn’t figure that out till later. some magic formula. That’s our right, when at the first practice… Ben and Bill Ben: The good thing is that we haven’t learned background. We grew up listen- were each using guitars, that not only had four really almost anything since then. [laugher] ing to loud and heavy bands, strings, but they only four tuning pegs. Out of Beau: Nothing ever works. pure coincidence, and we were like okay… you know. We were pretty heavily there. And not just hard rock, Built Bill: I think the way they tell the Ben: Well, the first actual show we influenced by that. to Spill and Pavement, those are story is a little misleading, because played was the day before the sports BD: You cover a Budgie song bands that I like a lot. [Pointing to it sounds like the name came about bar. We had a Yakima show… (“Nude Disintegrating Parachutist Ben] This guy listens to a lot of before I was in the band. I never Bill: It was? Woman,” one-song 7” first half of country and western… jazz Ben: Yeah. song side one, second half side piano and all that. There’s a Bill: Okay. two, on Wantage USA). rich tapestry in there, but Ben: And one of Bill’s old friends Bill: Well, Budgie wasn’t until we just sort of came from a from Yakima… later. rock background. Beau: It was on the same day. Bill: Maybe on the same day. Ben: That was at a house that the bank had repo’d from somebody’s mom. It was in some neighborhood on the outskirts of Yakima. We just went there and somehow found a key and played two songs and ran away. Bill: A neighbor called the police and we threw all the equipment in the back of Ben’s car, which around really felt that way, because we this time we were starting to ruin. didn’t have the name until our And that went on for years. We first show. We were playing a painted it all up and toured in it. It show and we didn’t have a name. was a ‘57 Impala. We were playing this sports bar Ben: We tried to guild it—you in Yakima and the guy said he know, bronze it. We spray-painted would only do it if we had a the whole thing gold. flyer. So I stayed to deal with the Bill: The inside and out. The guy and they went to make a garbage, the cigarette butts every- flyer. thing. We took all the garbage out, Beau: Yeah, we just saw a win- painted the interior, then painted all dow sticker going up to the copy the garbage, and put all the garbage store, and we just randomly back in. chose a sticker that said Fed-X— Ben: We were going to take photos you know without the “E,” only of it. So we kept it around. We left the “X,” so we thought, “What it over at Bill’s old house. The orig- about Fed-X?” And we were inal plan was that we were going to like, “Yeah, whatever.” So we put it in the demolition derby, but stole the window sticker, photo- the tranny was gone. Hans, the guy copied it onto the flyer, and put it living in Bill’s old place, told me on my bass drum. that if I didn’t move it out of his Beau: Budgie’s from Belgium or Teamsters was a thrashy, almost BD: So the name was originally parking space he was going to push something, but we had bands in punk band. There was a punk phase Fed-X? it out into the street. I didn’t really our back yards that were top-rung for a while. Beau: It evolved into Federation- believe him. But when we got back heavy bands. Obviously, Karp BD: How is it with Estrus? Because X, just to get away from the whole from tour, he had smashed the entire comes to mind. That was the band you, to me, sound different from a Federal Express thing. car up to pieces with a skateboard that Ben and I particularly would lot of other Estrus bands. BD: So you weren’t trying to pull- on a couple of drunken rampages. I watch just about every other week- Beau: Yeah. We’re kind of an off a Generation X extreme sports think he took two different sessions end. You see a band like that and anomaly. kind of thing? on it with some buddies. The top of you’re kind of like, “Oh my god.” Bill: He (Dave Crider) just wanted Beau: No. the car was completely pushed That was the kind of music we to put it out. We hooked up with the Ben: [joking] Well, we used to. down into the interior of the car. wanted to make, you know, with- Cherry Valence quite a bit and the Bill: We did bungee. BD: So what came of that? out ripping them off. We were Fireballs of Freedom. Ben: We used to bungee jump a Ben: I don’t know. I think he got it influenced by that. Everyone’s Beau: And just being in that town lot. But that was back when we towed. It disappeared one day. influenced by something, and (Bellingham) and just getting to used to work out together. We used BD: Is there any philosophy with that’s the kind of stuff we grew up know Dave. to pump iron all the time together. Federation-X? with. So that’s the kind of shit we Ben: Carl, too. BD: Bill [wearing a headband and Bill: A philosophy? listened to. BD: What about with Wantage? sleeveless shirt] looks like he’s Beau: We shall do what we must. Bill: I didn’t live in Olympia so we Who runs that? ready to go jogging here… Ben: “Don’t be us.” That’s what used to drive four hours to go see Ben: Josh. Beau: He just looks like it. Karp on the weekends. Bill: Ian’s older brother. BD: So the Federation-X name Beau: There were a lot of other BD: Who runs Tapes Records? came from a trip to a copy store. bands we listened to coming up: Ben: That’s Ian. Shellac, Jesus Lizard, Unwound BD: How did the name was another one that was right Federation-X come about? 80 does a little more of the frontman shenanigans it gets people a little more riled up. But I think our songwriting has been crafted a little better. Bill: Last year was the first time we’d ever practiced with a microphone at all. Ben: We used to just write the songs and then afterwards Bill would improvise vocals. In the beginning, the vocals were always different. For the first couple of tours he was singing dif- ferent lines each night. Bill: Even the vocals that ended up on that first record were like that. Ben: Then he started writing with the story to fit the music. Now we’ve finally come to a point where we practice with a microphone and we work on ideas. I think we’re finally working on music that’s involving guitar riffs… Beau: We’re developing time signatures, tem- pos, rhythms, melodies, guitar strings… BD: So how does the music writing get done? Bill: It depends. Sometimes Beau brings a song. Sometimes I do. Sometimes Ben. Then we have ones that we write all together. Ben: Sometimes they come out of wicked jams. Beau: Anytime someone comes with an idea, our van says on the front. It’s proven pretty true. BD: You’re filming a video? it’s bound to happen that the rest of the band is Bill: I say we don’t worry very much, so we Bill: For a song called “Hatched Man.” It’s a going to be thinking about it and it’s going to don’t run into a lot of problems, despite that we story that takes place in a song about somebody take a mind of its own. should by the fact that we don’t worry our way in Bellingham. And it’s about a serial killer that Bill: Well, that’s not true. You [Beau] bring a into it. comes to stalk and kill the person in the song. few songs that are never tampered with. BD: How is it now, being that the band is split But really what happens is a small town guy Beau: I can think of one. between Bellingham, Washington, and cracks from too much alcohol and that kind of Bill: We have two in the set. Brooklyn, New York? Ben and Beau in life. So we’re shooting all these scenes with this BD: Is that what’s going on? Zorbatron is writ- Bellingham and Bill in Brooklyn? And what’s tall, willowy character with cuts all over his ing the songs? up with the “B”? hands and face. We’re shooting all the scenes Bill: No. I’m just saying that when he brings a Ben: There’s a ridiculous amount of B’s in our twice, so sometimes he’s grappling with the song, it’s done. band. Here we go. character, and sometimes he’s losing it. Beau: Not necessarily. You make it sound like Beau: Boring, but Badass. BD: I’m not too familiar with the first LP y’all I’m some kind of fascist dictator. Bill: We use the time apart and distance to work put out, but from the second one, American Folk Ben: Come on, guys. on other projects in between. Horror, to X-Patriot, there seems to be a shift. Beau: It’s not my fault the songs are perfect. I Ben: Basically… Bill: X-Patriot is more like a show, more psy- like to think of it as collaborative. It starts with BD: What’s that? chological, and the second record is more like a an idea and then builds from there, most of the Beau: We’re just answering your question. It’s concept album. time. basically bodacious, but boring. BD: So what is the direction that Fed-X is head- Bill: Typically collaborative. Ben: We played our first bar show at the 3-B. ing now? Ben: Except when Beau beats the hell out of us. Beau: And we play in a band. Beau: It’s going to be shorter. A lot shorter. And then we usually do what he says. Beau has Bill: We’re from Bellingham and we’re all boys. BD: [to Bill] You’ve been acting as sort of a endless sarcasm. Ben: Bellingham, Brooklyn, broken down. Our cheerleader the past few shows. Are you writing Beau: I tend to rub people the wrong way a lot very first roadie was named Ben… cheers? because I have dry sense of humor and it can be Beau: We’re all buttholes. Bill: I just said that last night. pretty caustic. Ben: And then recently we had a roadie named Beau: I think the new song should be called Ben: Some people take “Fuck off and die” seri- Ben Cody. That makes it… “Jail Bait.” ously. Beau: Two Bens, a Bill, and a Beau. Bill: Isn’t jail bait when you have sex with an Beau: I’m not vengeful really… although I Ben: Ben, Ben, Bill, and Beau, since the begin- underage girl? kind of am. [To me] But I like you okay. I ning. Beau: Well, that’s what you call an underage guess. Bill: It’s really about how ridiculous you want girl. us to get with this. Bill: I haven’t finished writing the lyrics for www.federationx.us Beau: Banana. Banana is my favorite word. that one. Ben: Bicycles and a lot of boobies and bras and Ben: We’ve found that when Bill just sings and bouncing butts.
49 Interview by Josh Photos by Dan Monick
I bought the first Hot Snakes album, supposed to burn your eyebrows off? Was Pitchfork and Drive Like Jehu, Gar was in Automatic Midnight, on a whim the night rock’n’roll supposed to get lyrically deeper Fishwife and Tanner, and John also plays before my senior exams started. From a than “Oh yeah, oh no, I’m a misanthrope”? in the Sultans and runs Swami Records. scholastic standpoint, it was a bad move. It How did this happen? The great thing about Hot Snakes, though, was edgy, angular, and much too addictive But the story gets better. A few years is that you can forget about all the details, to waste my time doing stuff like studying passed. Their sound congealed. They’re the extra baggage of “ex-mmembers of such or sleeping. But from a musical standpoint, not so much a band as they are four inter- and such.” Just listen to the pounding and sweet merciful Christ: raw, blasting punk connected brains and gnashing limbs. feel your mind start to melt. rock that simultaneously shredded my They’re a white-hhot punk rock fungus speakers and dismantled much of what I seeping into your brain and gluing them- The Hot Snakes are: thought about music at that point. A rock selves to your record player. Rick: vocals, guitar and roll spine to keep it focused. A nervous Their pedigree is as confusing as it is John: guitar twitch to keep it interesting. Weirdness impressive: John and Mario are in Rocket Gar: bass creeping in from all sides. Was arty music from the Crypt, John and Rick were in Mario: drums 50 Josh: What’s kept you guys involved in under- John: There’s tons. I don’t think ground music for so long? you’ve got enough pages in your Gar John: As far as being into music, what’s kept magazines to talk about all the great me involved in music is that I like playing bands that never got their due, and music. As far as underground music, a lot of the the bands that did probably didn’t more exciting sounds that are being created get as much as they deserved, in usually don’t appeal to the large majority of some cases. There’s been a lot of people. I’ve found that most of the time, the great music that just doesn’t con- most exciting stuff that’s happening is happen- nect with people until after the band ing on a level that’s a bit more underground, breaks up or years later, because neglected. they’re ahead of their time, they’re Josh: Earlier you mentioned the Marked Men. doing something that doesn’t really What was the last record you heard that really relate to people, but when people excited you? have distance from it, they can John: I hear exciting stuff everyday. Most of it appreciate how awesome it was. isn’t new, although it is new to me. I really like Josh: Why did you think it was the stuff that Honest Jon’s put out, like Candi important to reissue the Testors and Staton, Cedric Im Brooks and the Light of Saba, Crime? and the Calypso comp they did a couple years John: I think both records are very back. The new Michael Yonkers, It’s Only clear and obvious examples of some Yonkers, is surprisingly excellent. Black Time of the finest rock and roll ever are a new band from London that have an LP made. Not only are they cherished out that really smokes. Mr. Airplane Man, Gris artifacts from an irreplaceable punk Gris, Lost Sounds, and obviously everything on past, but they tower over practically Swami. There’s a lot of cool shit happening anything that has been muttered right now that makes it great to be breathing. since. To be involved with music Josh: Can you think of any bands that you’ve that has such a profound personal seen come and go that didn’t really get their importance to me is the only reason due? why I put records out at all.
Seeing as I spend most of my time nude or partially clothed, I was pretty numb.
Josh: Are there any other bands that “Oh, wow, there’s something happening here.” John you’re trying to reissue? When I was young, I always thought the bands John: I am currently working on a that would play parties were great, but they complete Nerves retrospective and a weren’t necessarily on the same tier as a touring CD reissue of the Penetrators with band. This is when I was very young and basi- their videos included. cally stupid. Seeing Battalion of Saints blow Josh: Has it been expensive to buy away everybody they played with was like, back the rights to your old albums “These guys are from here and they’re better from Interscope? than anyone. I want to do something like that.” John: No. They have been very cool That was really inspiring. about the whole thing. Josh: Can you think of any records that aren’t Josh: It doesn’t seem like there was specifically punk rock but would maybe height- much of a precedent for what you en your appreciation for punk rock and music in guys started doing, with bands like general? Pitchfork and Fishwife. What was it John: I got to a certain age where I stopped lis- that inspired you guys to make music tening to punk rock because it was totally stale. like that that was kind of odd for its I thought it was basically repeating itself. A lot time? of people that were getting into it were way John: I don’t think we thought of it macho, and what I noticed in San Diego was as being odd. They were just our high that it was becoming everything that I hated. school bands. For me, I guess it was There was a lot of violence in San Diego, too. It seeing Battalion of Saints from San was pretty hideous. I got out of it for a couple Diego, since they were from our of years because I thought it was pretty lame, hometown, and seeing how they but then a whole new wave of bands came were better than most, if not all, the along. As far as stuff that isn’t punk rock, I lis- bands they would open for, the bands ten to a lot of Asian blues. that were supposedly bigger bands Josh: Asian blues? Tell me about that. from out of town, from England or Mario: Psychedelic stuff. LA, and they would just smoke John: Asian psychedelic blues. It was a big everybody. It started a feeling of, influence on this new record. Turkish, too. 51 Josh: Can you give me an example? Josh: How would you describe his Mario: Basically, the big boom of music in the willingness to drink beer, to party? Mario ‘60s and early ‘70s happened over there too, it John: Novice? Intermediate at best. just totally has their own kind of twist to it. A He cleans the public pool down at the little more progressive for over there. Not pro- YMCA in San Diego. He works hard, gressive rock, but like Asian garage music and so when he gets out on the weekend, he psychedelic music that has a weird take on it. has two or three beers—actually it was Josh: What’s a Rome plow and why did you wine coolers the last time I saw him— write a song about it? and really cuts loose. He’s a party ani- Rick: A Rome plow is what the US military mal. I’ve seen him with the lampshade used, along with defoliants and stuff like that, to a couple of times. He stole a pizza clear vast expanses of jungle in Vietnam to keep from Thad (a friend of the band who people from growing stuff there or living there was standing a few feet away). or hiding out in the jungle and shooting at Josh: You guys recorded the first planes or whatever. It’s a dumb analogy, I album after two practices? guess. It was a long time ago. At that time, liv- John: The first record? No, not really. ing in California, it was my frustration with It was a different band back then. We development, and ugly development… Are you just recorded some stuff and sent the from California? tapes out to Rick. He wrote some Josh: No. words for them and then came out to Rick: Okay, well, California used to look dif- San Diego and sang them. We never ferently to me when I was younger. It’s been thought we’d play live when we sort of gradually, at an agonizingly slow pace, released that first record, and then after ruined by development. To me, at least. Just the first record, we thought, Oh, let’s ugliness and shittiness and bad taste and I try to do this live. It’ll be fun to play almost wish I had one of those fucking things so some shows. We kind of threw the I could just plow the whole place under. I just band together after the fact. The new didn’t like seeing it go to shit. record (Audit in Progress) is the first Josh: So, you guys are familiar with Larry from time that, from the beginning, the Genetic Disorder? whole thing was assembled as a group, All: Oh, yeah. whereas the first two were kind of It started off with me thinking I could get rid of him if I did this fake fire. Unfortunately, it backfired.
ideas being sent back and forth on lamest thing ever. Rick cassette. Josh: Like a house painter? Josh: And you played your first John: Yeah. It wasn’t so much the work, just show after three practices? the chemicals. John: That’s true. But we already Josh: A friend of mine told me to ask you guys had the songs, so it was basically about the Mountain Dew “Slam it!” story. trying to learn the songs we’d John: Oh, that’s a Rocket From the Crypt thing. already recorded. It’s hard, because Mountain Dew asked Rocket From the Crypt if Rick lives in New York, I live in we would record a song for them and they San Diego, and at the time, there offered us a lot of money, so we were like, okay. was another guy in the band who We were in the studio at that time anyway, so lived in Philadelphia, so literally they gave us the Mel Torme song “I Get a Kick half the band was out there and half Out of You” and they wanted us to do a bas- the band was out here on the west tardized version of it. In the end, it was awe- coast and we couldn’t really prac- some. It couldn’t have turned out any better. We tice. It wasn’t that we only wanted got paid a lot of money to do this commercial to practice three times, it was just that they never used, so no one ever heard it. that we only could practice three But it was funny because the very corporate times. marketing executives were at the recording ses- Josh: What does Rick do in New sion wanting to be really nit-picky about every- York? thing, so we locked them out of the studio. No John: Rick’s an artist. He does his big deal. It was funny. They were very upset. own personal stuff as well as com- One of the funniest things was that they had all mercial art. these ideas, like, “We want you to say ‘Slam it! Josh: Have you guys ever had any Slam a Dew!’” That was going to be their new day jobs that were just so crappy slogan, and I was like, “Well, you know, there that you couldn’t wait to get out on is kind of a drug connotation with ‘Slam a tour? Dew.’” I kind of explained it to him, and he was John: I was a painter and it was the really bummed, because it was obvious that “Slam a Dew” was the product of half a year’s worth of board meetings and discussions, so they were pretty bummed that I found flaws in their slogan. Josh: Can you give me an example of a band that you really like endorsing something and it bummed you out? Like, Devo re-recorded “Whip It” for some floor cleaner commercial. Something like that. John: Swiffer? Is that the one they did? Josh: Yeah. John: See, I use Swiffer. I think Swiffer’s one of the best inventions of the century. Mario: They’re handy. John: It’s a total lazy dude’s idea, so I’m into the Swiffer. If anything, that makes me like Devo even more, because they endorse a prod- uct that I actually use. There’s things that you hear where you’re like, “That’s kinda cheesy,” like the Clash are being used in some car com- mercial, and you know if Joe Strummer were alive, it would have never happened. If it were something really heinous, like nuclear bombs or the KKK, I’d probably be very miffed, but most of the music that I listen to isn’t used for com- mercials. You know, when I go to baseball games, they play the Ramones, and I actually like it. I think it’s cool. Nobody in the stadium probably knows who the band is because it’s all families and stuff, but it’s cool to hear them in that context. Let’s just be blatant about it. The Ramones are awesome. It’s pop music and it should be enjoyed by the world anyway. There’s no reason why it shouldn’t be played on the radio every day. Josh: And it’s better than hearing “Who Let the Dogs Out?” at a baseball game. Mario: Hearing the Clone Defects on a Mitsubishi car commercial was pretty surpris- ing. John: I just think, good for you. Get your per- verted ideas out there. Mario: Nick Drake on a Volkswagon commer- cial. John: Yeah, Nick Drake probably sold more records in the one week after that commercial aired than he did in his whole career. Josh: Mario, what’s been the biggest adjust- ment you had to make going from Black Heart Procession to Hot Snakes and Rocket From the Crypt? John: Mario plays in a lot of great bands. He John: Well, it seemed like it to me. I think they Mario: In Black Heart, it was very infrequent. plays in this band called Earthless, a three- are pretty used to the arctic conditions from I’d only play on maybe five songs in a whole piece, mostly instrumental stoner psych rock years of Viking training. Seeing as I spend most set. Black Heart didn’t really start out with the band, and he plays guitar in this band called of my time nude or partially clothed, I was pret- intention of being a band in the same way that Mannequin Piss, a death punk kind of sound. ty numb. most bands do. Mario: Early Black Flag or Motörhead… Josh: Did they wear leisure suits in the studio John: It started a lot like this band. John: But with a biker vibe. A BMX biker vibe. when you were recording them? Mario: Yeah, you know? Let’s make a record. Josh: What do you think Mario brings differ- John: A couple of them did. That was our first goal. I joined in on a couple ently than the other drummer? Josh: So it wasn’t just a stage show? of songs, and then before we knew it, we made John: Turbulent rhythms, incessant hammer- John: No, they dress like that all the time. a record, played some shows. Obviously, ing, relentless tom-tom attack, less cymbals, Josh: Did you really hire studio musicians to they’ve taken it further than that. I didn’t really less sizzle, more of a chesty approach. play a Superchunk album? stay in that band for too long. Playing in Hot Gar: Colon-thundering low end.. John: They weren’t studio musicians, it was Snakes is definitely more my style of how I like Josh: Is it true that you got caught in a snow- this band called Jughead’s Revenge. We hired to play drums. storm in Minneapolis when you went to record them to do all the tracking. Superchunk wrote the Selby Tigers? the songs, but these other guys 53 played the music and Mac sang. and I like to dress in drag and Mario’s a racist. Radio? Josh: Jughead’s Revenge doesn’t sound any- Josh: Did you really get your picture taken with John: I started doing the show about three thing like Superchunk, though. GG Allin, like, fifteen years ago? years ago at a different station, and I just kind John: I think that’s why they wanted to do it, John: Yeah. of begged them for a job, basically, and when just to do something different, because at that Josh: How did you go about doing that? Was that station went off the air, I begged this other point they had already made three records or there a meet-and-greet? station for a job. something. John: He was hanging out in his dressing room, Josh: What kind of stuff do you play? Josh: Why did Drag Racist Studios close and I cruised up and saw someone I recognized John: Lascivious funk music, self-indulgent down? in there, which gave me the courage to go in dub and reggae, mind-melting psychedelia, John: Fire. there, too. When I went in there, he was a very inept garage bashing, raw-tarded punk rock, Josh: Do you want to talk about that? personable character, down-to-earth, very will- and everything in between—exotic music from Mario: It’s too painful. ing to talk to people about his music and what places like Cambodia and Africa. Basically, John: It was like a lifetime of labor and build- he was doing, very self-promoting. He was so everything I play is very raw in nature and neg- ing and passion up in smoke, but from the awesome, his… I don’t want to say rhetoric, but lected, or at least I feel it’s neglected. ashes, the phoenix will rise. There was this all that rock and roll outlaw stuff and his trans- Josh: Why did you once say that Rocket would German tourist guy named Hans who was real- formation from this dude who lived in never play on a stage? ly into all the Swami stuff. He emailed me and Connecticut or something into that vision that John: We were just playing parties and stuff at said, “Hey, I’m coming out to San Diego and I he had of himself. Whether you like him or not, first. want to start a studio like Drag Racist. Do you his life was his art, as opposed to just music or Josh: How long did that last? mind if I sit in and be a fly on the wall?” I fool- something visual. He would probably be John: Three or four shows, four parties maybe. ishly said yes, and the guy ended up being the bummed to be thought of as that, like that’s not Yeah, that one went out the window pretty most annoying prick that we had ever met. He dangerous enough. But people I know who quick. was there for the recording of the last four knew him said that my encounter with him was Josh: You once said, “I don’t believe the good things we did there and he wouldn’t leave at all. really consistent with the way he was normally. press, because that means that you have to It started off with me thinking I could get rid of Josh: He didn’t throw poop at you or anything? believe the bad press.” Do you think that helps him if I did this fake fire. Unfortunately, it John: That was just the “show” part of it. He you keep a level head after all this time? backfired. After he ran out, it became too big didn’t do that all the time, which is not to say John: I don’t really have a level head. I’m total- for us to contain it. that he didn’t do all kinds of other crazy shit. He ly fueled by an over-inflated sense of self- Josh: Did anybody ever give you any grief obviously didn’t care what people thought of worth. I just don’t do that because I don’t know about the name? him, and if he did, he wanted people to think how to read and it’s my way of covering up. John: No, people liked the name. It’s taken very lowly of him. from a Truman’s Water song. I like to drag race Josh: How did you get started doing Swami A Look at the History VINYL and Ideas That Keep Vinyl Records AUDITIES Spinning by Todd Taylor • Illustrations by Art Fuentes
ence between outright extinction and a small, vital, supported interest. “But I like the inconveniences.” From an outsider’s point of view, vinyl records don’t make a hell of —Aldous Huxley, Brave New World a lot of sense. They’re heavy and fragile. The more you play them, the worse they sound. Every time a needle passes over a groove, it changes A Needle Riding in a Groove the groove slightly. If you play a record repeatedly, it eventually wears out. There’s no just hitting a button to skip tracks. They’re not terribly Vinyl’s death knell has been ringing out ever since the advent of the convenient. They’re old technology. You can’t play them in the car. You reel to reel in the ‘50s. Then the 8 track was going to whoop it. Then cas- have to do this thing called getting off your ass so you can flip it over and settes. Now CDs. Vinyl records are definitely like punk rock in one play the other side and the sides aren’t terribly long. Vinyl records don’t respect: neither of them should still be around in any way, shape, or form. offer the option of putting thousands of songs into the palm of your hand They should be long dead, decomposing quietly in the back of some via a powerful hard drive, selecting random—knowing that a laser isn’t archivist’s cabinets, not rocking out in real time, halfway through the first actually wearing away the digital representations of sounds—and as long decade of the new millennium. It just doesn’t seem to matter that so many as the numbers aren’t corrupted, you can go jogging all year long, if you people have given up on both of them. Punk and vinyl just keep on per- want to, without interruption, listening to every song in Hootie And The petuating, popularity be damned. Remember this: there’s a huge differ- Blowfish’s celebrated catalog every step of the way. Vinyl demands to be interacted with. In this respect, a vinyl record is Mummies > Mariah Carey. Or, if that’s a little like a child: you have to hold its hand and be too esoteric: monkeys > robots. I’m used to a Definitions and Terms nice if you want it to stick around. little aural tumbling and knocking around. You’ve got to care for records or they’ll Audio poo-flinging isn’t a negative in my book. Record: Initially, phonograph records were deteriorate. Protect the sleeve from nicks by As a matter of fact, I prefer and cherish it. intended for office use, to make a record of putting it in a little plastic sheath. Protect the What’s a little hiss, pop, or crackle? I’m not lis- business transactions. Over time, “phono- vinyl from scratches by putting it in a little tening to classical music and going, “Dude, that graph record” got shortened to “record,” the paper dust jacket. Keep dust and carpet fuzz off reverb on the flute solo is driving me bat-shit actual medium the audio was stored on. the record and the needle. No two ways about crazy!” (I’m not even sure if flutes can have it: it’s a lot of work to not fuck up vinyl. Then reverb.) I grew up in an age when cassettes Dubbing: When one recording is recorded you’ve got to worry about floods, sunlight, ruled supreme, where if I could hear a song over, so that a new recording replaces the old fires, pets, dumb-ass friends with pizza fingers while I was driving fifty-five with the windows one entirely. and poor beverage handling techniques. From rolled down, then it probably sounded okay by albums warping to unintentional needle drags me. Flip side: The reverse of an A-side of a across the vinyl during momentary lapses of CDs are like those pastel paintings that are record. The lesser-known track. Strangely, dexterity (Way to go, drunkie!), the list goes on. bolted above beds in hotel rooms. Sure, there’s looking through several unabridged diction- And, for all that care, the vinyl still doesn’t last millions of them all over the world, but just aries, there was no common use of this word forever. because they’re everywhere doesn’t mean prior to gramophone records. I’m not quite sure where my appreciation they’re the best, or even good. Great LPs are for vinyl came from, but I can tell you in two like short-run lithographs commemorating the Virgin vinyl: 100% new vinyl, as opposed to words why I love it: punk rock. For some rea- world’s best punk rock shows. You know that recycled vinyl used in normal albums. son that I’m not quite clear on, punk rock’s firm there’s only a finite number out there, and yours handshake with vinyl hasn’t lost its grip. There was touched by human hands before you peeled EP: A 33 rpm 7” is known as an EP (extend- are other genres—such as dance music—that it from the wrapper. ed play), with two or three songs per side. 45 have also embraced vinyl. It makes more sense I’ve always been curious as to what makes rpm 7” EPs are also produced, using a nar- that a DJ doesn’t want to just stand there, look- vinyl records work. I mean, I understand that rower groove spacing. ing like a button-pushing robot while they you plop them on a rotating platter, stick a nee- could manipulate the sound of a record by dle in ‘em, and music comes out of a speaker LP: Originally 10”, now most frequently a slowing it down, fading it out, and doing things nearby, but beyond that, I knew close to dick. 12”, an “LP” is a long-playing record, usual- that DJs do. But, for punk rock, it doesn’t make Wanting to change that, I did a little digging. ly with between five and ten songs per side. sense why vinyl’s such a protected medium. I Here’s what I came up with. like that it doesn’t make sense. I like that it’s Wow and flutter: Unwanted variations in the antiquated. I like that it’s not “efficient.” I like Singing Cylinders Vs. tone level or frequency of the reproduced the fact that people who go out of their way to Playful Platters sound, usually because the record’s not rotat- listen to music will be rewarded with full-sized The Epic Struggle of ing at a constant, correct speed. cover art and little sayings etched in the inner Cows Vs. Dickies rings of the record. I like being able to hear Spindle: The part that the record revolves music that may very well have never been dig- Somewhere along the five million years of around. itized—turned into solely zeros and ones—and development of Homo sapiens, we were fur- played by human beings for human beings. nished with mouths and ears. Inside the mouth Plinth: The turntable’s base. There’s something alluring about the words is a throat. Inside the throat is a delicate mem- “vinyl-only release” and knowing that I own brane called a larynx. It vibrates every time great vinyl records (like Hostage’s badass someone speaks. These vibrations went air- Collateral Damage camouflage-wax compila- Vinyl Storage Tips borne, and if someone was close, the vibrations tion LP) that have no intention of ever being struck on another delicate membrane: the released on CD. It’s a type of secret club, yet eardrum. Fundamentally, that’s how we hear. • Keep records away from direct sunlight. anyone with a record player and an affinity for That’s nature’s telephone. punk is invited to join. Although silent, the first major leap in • Avoid moisture and extreme tempera- There’s more than just a hint of ritual when sound technology came in 1857 when Leon tures. Storing your records in basements is turning on a turntable, putting on a record, and Scott invented a device called the phonoauto- a bad idea. hearing the sound pulse from the speakers. It graph: a “signature of sound.” It could tran- takes a little bit of care. A little bit of paying scribe sound onto a visible medium, but had no • Store records vertically. attention. A little bit of time each day. It takes a means to play it back after it was recorded. It bit of scrounging to get all the components set made pictures of sound by focusing that sound • Never leave a record in the original up right. I also like seeing the record rotate and through a horn onto an animal bladder—fash- shrink wrap. It’ll warp both the jacket and shimmer. I like that I can almost see how the ioned after how the human diaphragm the record. sound is made. I like that it’s real and compre- worked—which, in turn, was attached to a stiff hendible. hog’s bristle. The bristle moved back and forth • I store all of my records in their dust I’m not even sure if vinyl sounds better, as in a continuous, wavy track on a revolving jackets, slid in behind the record artwork, I’ve heard some pretty great-sounding CDs and lamp-blackened glass plate. What it made all together inside a plastic sleeve. The more than a handful of crappy vinyl. But let’s looked kind of funky, and it didn’t play worth a biggest advantage to this is that you’ll pre- keep this in perspective. For fuck’s sake, I love shit. Actually, it couldn’t be played at all, but it vent ring wear and the record won’t chew punk rock. It’s not the most delicate form of was the first time that a human voice had been through the album’s cover. music in the world. Here’s some simple math “frozen” in time. Scott had philanthropic ideas for a basic music equation in my brain: for the phonoautograph and believed that the 57 visual recording of the vibrations of human speech could be of help to linguists. It didn’t occur to Scott that those visual recordings could possibly be played back. In 1877, the year most of you may remem- ber as the first time root beer was first available on the open market, another exciting develop- ment occurred that might have escaped your attention. To commemorate the worldwide explosion of punk rock exactly one hundred years hence, Thomas Edison announced his invention of the first device for recording and playing sounds. He called it the “phonograph,” quite literally a “sound writer.” In the original phonograph, a diaphragm— this time a thin disc of less than one-hundredth of an inch that vibrated when receiving sound waves—had a sharp-pointed needle attached to it under its surface. When the sound waves of Edison’s voice struck the diaphragm, it vibrated the needle with it. The needle rose up and down and scratched a signal on the outside surface of a strip of a soft sheet of tin wrapped around a rotating metal cylinder, which was placed on a threaded shaft. These phonographs were extremely fragile. Think of a horizontal paper towel holder that is holding the cardboard middle of a roll of paper towels. The phonograph player would Lil’ Beez and Edison’s phonograph. spin that roll while attached to the ends of the roll. A needle mounted onto the phonograph player would then vertically cut variable depths of grooves into the roll; with problems and quite possibly sounded amazing similar to when, in low sounds were cut deeper into the roll and softer sounds were cut more Strange Brew, Doug McKenzie tried to play a computer’s floppy disc on shallow. This method of vertical cutting was also called the “hill and a turntable. Brawwacckkk! Hiisssss! Cccrrrreeeaaccchhthubthubthub! dale” cut because it resembled a miniature replica of mountains and val- With a measured compound of stovemaker’s zinc, beeswax, and gasoline, leys. he began experimenting on making playable discs. On one side, he etched When Edison spoke into his device while rotating the cylinder, the the zinc disc with a stylus. The other side he coated with varnish. The disc needle “recorded” what was said onto the tin. To play back the sound, was placed in an acid bath. The acid etched super-fine lines, the actual Edison set the recorder to the starting place and the same needle traversed recorded vibrations, into the grooves of the zinc. The disc could then be over the groove scratched in the tin. A gear moved the needle in syn- played on a turntable; the sound reproduced with a steel needle. chronization with the grooves of the recording. In a metallic, distant In 1887, Berliner was granted patent 372,786 for a “gramophone” voice, the machine repeated what he’d just previously sung. On using a non-wax disc engraved with a “lateral-cut” groove. Lateral-cut November 21, 1877, for the first time in history, a played-back recording means that an actual record spins and sound is etched into it while it of a human voice was heard as Edison sung “Mary Had a Little Lamb.” spins. The sharp object that makes the etching moves side to side, ever so Prior to that time, one had to make one’s own music or attend a live per- slightly. The main difference between lateral-cut and vertical-cut—and formance to hear music. one of the vast improvements over it—was that lateral-cut records have a These cylinders appeared in various sizes. In the late 1880s, a stan- constantly deep groove so that a flat disc of a unified width could be used. dard system was agreed upon between various manufacturers. These Sound vibrations were stored on the sides of the groove walls. For play- were about four inches long and 2¼ inches in diameter, about the size of back, a stylus would be fit down into the groove and, by placing the the cardboard middle of a roll of toilet paper. They played about two min- record on a turntable, the spinning groove itself would pull the stylus utes of music. They weren’t terribly easy to store. They were too soft for across the face of the disc. The stylus is just along for the ride and must making a permanent recording. They couldn’t be easily mass-produced. comply to the record’s grooves. As the stylus tracks the grooves, a They broke easily. The cylinders were sold in cardboard tubes with card- mechanical vibration results. It contains both frequency and volume board lids at each end. These containers prompted the nickname “canned information for an audio signal. music.” Here’s another way to understand it. A record spins at a constant rate By 1884, Emil Berliner, a German who emigrated to the United so songs don’t go from sounding like the Chipmunks to sounding like States and settled in Washington, DC, quit his job working in a dry foods they were recorded by sad ghosts huffing ether. A needle at the end of an store, and became interested in audio technology. He worked for Bell arm locks into a groove on the record. The groove has sound imbedded Telephone in Boston for six years, then established himself as a private on its sides. The groove is a little bit wider than the needle. The needle researcher. Although Berliner would go on to invent a new type of loom bounces—ever so slightly—from side to side as it spins around. Sound for the mechanized production of cloth, what most people remember him comes out. Everybody happy. for is that he developed the technology of the usable disc record. Another benefit over cylinders is that these disc records could be Through trial and error, Berliner embarked on developing a complex stored and mass-produced, by a process of molding and stamping, much process to make playable discs. He first tried replicating Scott’s experi- more easily. A bulk of discs, when placed in paper sleeves, could be ments of photoengraving the surface of a glass disc which was plagued stored upright, like books, in a small space. Another subtle improvement 58 of discs over cylinders is that discs had a blank area in the center of them, where the title, performer, and record company who many consider the first prominent Black could be etched. No such markings could be recording artist. The song was called “The Trivia etched on cylinders. They had to be accompa- Whistling Coon.” The genre: “jolly negro.” The Box Sets: The numbering of the sides of the nied by a slip of paper, which was often lost. record played at 55 rpm. It was a huge success. discs in albums in box sets is explained by the The next hurdle for Berliner was to develop Johnson was paid twenty cents for his rendition fact they were designed to be played on chang- a process for mass production of the discs, as and he helped set the standard for the music ers. After the discs were stacked and one side the zinc disc and steel needle combination wore business to fuck over artists of all creeds and of each disc played, the stack would be turned out quickly. Wax was too soft. Plaster of Paris colors. over together as a unit and replaced on the proved too crumbly and fragile. Wood and bub- Berliner became dissatisfied with the changer. The proper sequence of a four-disc ble gum were out of the question. Berliner records he was making with hard rubber, since set: side A would be 1 and side B would be 8, thought he had singled out the perfect candidate an unacceptable number of the discs from his 2 and 7, 3 and 6, and 4 and 5. Some folks were in a newly developed substance called cellu- factories were defective. He tested, then was confused by this, so record companies began loid, made from cellulose and camphor. convinced of, a new compound. It was made offering both “numbered for automatic chang- Celluloid was easily shaped and molded, prov- from the secretions of the Lac beetle, an insect ers” and “standard numbering” box sets. ing extremely versatile in its fields of applica- indigenous to South East Asia, mixed in with tion, providing a cheap and attractive replace- powdered slate. The compound was called shel- Did you know? Records have slightly higher ment for ivory and bone. It was already being lac and its superiority over rubber was obvious. fidelity at the outer edges, where the disc spins used in waterproof shirt collars, cuffs, and the By the end of the year, all Berliner records were more rapidly than at the center. false shirt fronts: dickies. Berliner began exper- made with the newly utilized substance. imenting with it, but celluloid also proved to be Volcanic pumice—a light rock froth produced Did you know? America is the only country flammable and easily decomposed. An by the violent separation of gas from lava—was that shrink wraps new records. extremely limited number of celluloid records put in the grooves to keep the needle sharp as it were made and, eventually, sold. (FYI: Ping played. Shellac records proved to be extremely Razorcake fact. Number of 7”s reviewed in the pong balls, one of the few products still made versatile and were common all the way up to last four years: 500, give or take. Number of with celluloid, sizzle marvelously if set on fire.) around 1950. “Hey, can you review the song that’s attached After obtaining a German patent for the Thomas Edison was brilliant, but he was to this link in this email in your magazine?”: 0. gramophone in 1889 and visiting his birthplace also stubborn and a bully. He abandoned neither of Hanover, Germany, Berliner was approached his phonograph nor his cylinders. He still 1918 was the first audio document of a gas by a small toy company. They wanted to sell the thought he had a chance since the amount of shell bombardment. small discs and hand-turned machines as novel- audio information on both cylinders and disc ties. In the early 1890s, the world’s first sam- was roughly the same: two minutes. By 1896, Did you know? The first CD ever commercial- ples of laterally cut discs were sold in Germany. his early prototype cylinders of tin were even- ly released was Billy Joel’s 52nd Street in Early gramophones were plagued with tually replaced by wax compounds. A recipe 1982. playback problems. They’d oscillate at the was perfected in a brown, waxy substance that speed at which they were played. An engineer yielded a much more acceptable sound quality. Did you know? In 1934, a General of the and machinist, Eldridge R. Johnson, developed The secret ingredient after experimenting with Signal Corps, General George Squier, founded a system inspired by clocks by incorporating a substances like whale wax? A shade less than Muzak. He sold recorded music to homes in spring-wound motor that released energy at a half of the wax for the cylinders was made from Cleveland. near-constant rate of speed. Gramophones were stearin, the rendered fat of cud-chewing ani- wound by hand using technology that was first mals, like cows. Refusing to see that the phono- developed, then rejected, for use in sewing graph ship was sinking, in 1902, Edison incor- Tips for Garage Sale machines. Berliner and Johnson had worked out porated a method and technique of molding Turntables the major kinks in the gramophone system and duplicate cylinders, which allowed for mass began selling the “talking machines” and discs production. Garage sales are your number one bet for get- that would play on them. These gramophone Four years after the worldwide attention of ting a cost-effective record player. Sure, you records were the first disc records to ever be Berliner’s machines, a company called Wonder can go on Ebay or plunk down over $100 on a offered to the public. They were one-sided, 5” was shut down for bootlegging Berliner’s so-so one at a chain store, but with some dili- discs. records. They weren’t that crafty in trying to gence, you can find one for $20-$30 on some- The India Rubber Comb Company provid- cover their tracks. The geniuses simply copied a one’s lawn during the weekend. Ask if you can ed Berliner with his first substantial break- Berliner record and added a “1” to the disc plug it in, even if there are no records to play. through. He found that when he warmed hard number to claim it as their own. By 1898, Don’t be completely swayed at how cool the rubber, it was possible to stamp single-sided, 7” Wonder was put out of business by the govern- player looks. The two biggest hurdles are 1.) copies of records with the zinc negative. By ment. Seeing if the turntable still rotates and 2.) The mid-1888, Berliner began refining the rubber Johnson and Berliner joined in a business needle and cartridge are still attached. To do process, for both sound quality and to withstand partnership in 1901. The name of their compa- this, very gently slide your finger under the end mass production. The method he devised ny is called The Victor Talking Machine of the tone arm that would be placed on a worked for several years and in 1893 Berliner Company. Ten-inch records were introduced to record. If there’s a needle, you’re usually in applied for a U.S. patent for the hard rubber the public. These discs could playback the business. Seventy percent of the time, there discs. human voice, but still could not record the high won’t be. If both things check out, it’s a rela- Within two years, 7” records were intro- or low-end frequencies of strings or bass. In tively safe bet the record player will be okay. It duced for public consumption. They were a big 1904, the first double-sided discs became avail- may need a tune-up (if records continually skip hit. In 1895, Emil Berliner had made and sold able to the public. It doesn’t sound like that big or skate (drag for a little, then catch itself). But, 1,000 gramophones and 25,000 hard rubber of a breakthrough, (“You mean there’s another if there isn’t a needle and cartridge or if it does- discs. One of the largest sellers was George W. side to these things?”), but that little detail dou- n’t rotate, it’s a big crapshoot. Many belt-drives Johnson, a former Virginia plantation slave, and bled the listening time on discs and put another and needles just aren’t made anymore. Some are, but they’re mighty expensive. critical stake in the already stake-filled heart of attempt by marketing 33 1/3 records. At first, The Wacky World of phonograph cylinders. their impact was minimal, barely noticed. They Lesser-Used Record Edison still didn’t sway with the cylinders. didn’t sound that good. Grooves In 1906, The Indestructible Record Company Although there were bigger problems in began mass marketing cylinders made of anoth- store for the world at the dawn of the 1940s with Inside out / Reverse groove: Record starts at er formulation of celluloid, that Edison swore the United States officially getting into World the middle and plays to the outer edge. Drop would not break if dropped and could be played War II, one of the side affects of going to war Dead’s Armageddon does this. thousands of times without wearing out. These against Japan was that the production of records cylinders, some argue, are still the most durable came to a screeching halt. Shellac reserves were Parallel groove: Two or more distinct tracks form of sound recording produced in the entire primarily in South East Asia. Supply lines were are recorded on one side, interlaced. It analog era prior to the introduction of digital cut, shellac was suddenly scarce, and a replace- depends when the needle is dropped as to audio. Two years later, Edison discovered that ment material was sought. which song will be played. This is a way to the induction of lead and asphalt vastly Due to the scarcity, a considerable amount “hide” a song or have a “three-sided” LP. improved the listening volume of his cylinders of research and development was spent to dis- (Fucked Up’s Searching for Gold EP and and in 1912, he introduced to England an cover a replacement material. It came in the Monty Python’s Matching Tie and improved four-minute cylinder made from cel- form a plastic resin derivative of petroleum, Handkerchief LP both use this technology.) luloid on a plaster of Paris core called the Blue polyvinyl chloride plastic, first developed by Mad Magazine released a flexi disc, It’s a Amberol. However, it would be seventeen more Waldo Lonsbury Semon. PVC, more commonly Super Spectacular Day, which had eight par- years, 1929 to be exact, when Edison would known as vinyl, is the same stuff that would be allel grooves.) Times have to be equal for finally throw in the towel and concede that the used for bean bags, credit cards, plastic wrap, each groove. gramophone was more utilitarian than his uncomfortable underwear, residential plumbing, phonograph. and higher quality band stickers. Someone also Locked groove: Groove that intentionally Between the years of 1906-1929 Victor put two and two together and found out that repeats every turn of the record. It’s usually spent $50 million dollars in print advertising records could be made of this vinyl stuff. It at the end, like the car exhaust sound at the and $17 million on catalogs for the Victrola, a turned out that vinyl not only mimicked some of end of the Minutemen’s Double Nickels on phonograph player designed as a piece of furni- the best qualities of the shellac records, but that the Dime, or TSOL’s Dance with Me, the B- ture and all-enclosed in a cabinet. The conse- they could be etched with tighter grooves and side to the Damned’s Smash It Up single, and quence of this is that records, too, were sold provided a better playing surface. Gone was the the B-side to World Burns to Death’s Sucking heavily in furniture stores. The terms hiss associated with 78s. Yet, it was found that the Missile Cock LP. White Flag’s S Is for “turntable” and “record player” weren’t quite in vinyl was far from the perfect, everlasting mate- Space has locked grooves that force the lis- popular use. People were still just wowed by the rial. It is very prone to acquiring a static charge tener to lift the needle several times to hear fact that this thing actually carried other’s voic- and attracting dust. It’s easily scratched. all the songs on the record. The time for a es and often used the term, “talking machine.” Not long after WWII ended, in 1948, locked groove is 1.8 seconds on a 33 1/3 and This was also an era where normalization start- Columbia introduced the first 33 1/3 micro- 1.33 seconds on a 45. ed coming into play, for both the records and the groove LP with a 23-minute per side capacity. speeds at which they were played. Circa 1910, The narrower grooves were played by a stylus records rotating between 78 and 80 times in a smaller than the ones used with 78s. The record Vinyl Handling Tips minute were standard. By 1925, the revolutions was a good nineteen minutes per side longer • When you remove a record from the became stabilized at 78 rpm with the introduc- than what had ever been available to the public. sleeve, it creates friction. This friction tion of electrically powered turntables. The 10” Columbia marketed them as “professional” results in static, which causes the record to record usurped the 7” record as the audio medi- speed. The same company also introduced the attract dust. Be aware of that. um of choice because it could hold about three term “long-playing records,” and trademarked minutes of music on each side. the term “LP.” A 33 rpm 7” was also released. It • Try not to touch the vinyl surface when Bell Telephone Laboratories developed a was called the EP (extended play), and con- handling your records. Use the label and new electric recording process in 1925. tained two or three songs per side. the edges of the record. Commerce and capitalism are often very far When it was first released in 1909, from the world of fair sportsmanship and an Tchaikovsky’s Nutcracker Suite was collected • Never touch the grooves. even playing field. In a secret agreement, the in a specially designed package of four double- two largest record manufacturers, Columbia and sided 78 rpm shellac discs. The packaging, Victor, colluded and began recording with a new which housed each record in its own paper electric process. They kept their knowledge of sleeve and bound them all together like a big The most imaginative the new recording technology clandestine, away book, was called an “album,” due to its resem- 16 rpm record player from public knowledge for a long period of time blance to a photographic album. With the advent was fashioned into the in order not to hurt sales of their existing of the micro-groove LP, the same amount of 1956 Chrysler Imperial. acoustically recorded catalog. music as an entire album of old style 78s could This in-car turntable Record companies also hit a dip in sales in be fit on a single disc. It was possible to now lis- was factory installed 1930, when something that seemed as colossal ten through a whole movement of music on one underneath the air con- as internet file sharing hit the world. For sever- side of a record. Later on, the Nutcracker Suite al years, widespread radio broadcast caused a would be distinguished again by being the first ditioning controls, below decline in the manufacture of records. People piece of music to ever be recorded on vinyl. the dash, between the could now hear music for free over the air- Since people were so used to calling the collec- driver and passenger. It waves. It would take a couple of years for the tion an album, although it was solely one disc, played stackable 7”s. recording industry to rebound and devise ways the name stuck. to make substantial sums off of both the radio RCA Victor had developed the 45 rpm for- and recorded discs. In 1931, RCA made its first mat years earlier, but did not market it until 60 1949, in response to Columbia. Both companies were being dicks. RCA experience where the spatial location of the source of sound was partial- introduced their incompatible format as a competitive marketing maneu- ly reproduced. ver. Not only were there now two different speeds (45 and 33 1/3), but the The next twenty years, up through the 1970s, was left up to refine- systems used different sized records (10” and 12” vs. 7”), and different- ments in high fidelity. The only new format to emerge was the 12” sin- sized holes in the center. (RCA was the first company to put a big hole in gle. Introduced in Britain in the late ‘70s, it carried the same material as the 7”s. There was no real reason for it.) Both systems of playing records regular singles with wider spacing between the grooves, allowing for were, undoubtedly, more lightweight, thinner, and higher-fidelity formats higher sound quality than regular 7”s. than shellac 78s. In 1983, the dusk appeared on vinyl’s future. Although not immedi- There was one other record speed that was developed in the 50s. 16 ately usurped, compact discs became mass produced and started gaining 2/3 rpm. The technology was developed by Peter Goldmark, the same popularity. By 2005, vinyl would account for about only one percent of man who invented 33 1/3. The sound quality was similar to that of a tele- all record sales. It was a nice run; analog audio recording onto a disc was
Science Beez showing the itty-bitty parts of a record playing. phone. These slower-rotated discs were designed for two completely dif- the main technology used for storing recorded sound in the 20th century. ferent uses. Many were distributed by the U.S. government via its So, that’s a brief history of vinyl, but how do those things work? “Talking Books for the Blind” program. These types of discs became the What actually happens when the needle hits the groove? genesis for books on tape. The most imaginative 16 rpm record player was fashioned into the 1956 Chrysler Imperial. This in-car turntable was “Once a new technology rolls over you, if you’re not part of the factory installed underneath the air conditioning controls, below the dash, steamroller, you’re part of the road.” —Stewart Brand between the driver and passenger. It played stackable 7”s. Pardon me, but that’s fucking cool. Vinyl records contain a single, continuous spiral groove in which a Berliner’s original idea and method of the lateral-cut disc proved to stylus rides. Records are most often played from the outside edge towards be so good and so advanced, that it took over seventy years to be vastly the middle. The record is rotated and has a groove carved into it that mir- improved upon. In 1958, a new process was developed which converged rors the original sound’s waveform. Vinyl, literally, takes a picture of that the two technologies of lateral and vertical cutting. Stereo is born. The sound, analogous to how cameras use film to capture light waves. first stereo records are released in America. On stereo records, the inner Sound is represented as undulations of the two sides of the grooves. wall of the groove carries the left-hand signal and the outer wall carries Picture a big raft going down a narrow river. For a mono recording, the the right-hand one. The stylus moves up and down as well as left to right. left bank is the left channel and the right bank is the right channel. The These movements, it was discovered, provided a more natural listening walls of the groove provide the force that accelerates the stylus. Your sty- The Tracking System of a Record Player lus is the raft that is going down that river. The louder the sound and/or wider dynamic range than standard CDs, and although most of this range the heavier the bass, the wider the whole river. Your raft sweeps and glides is beyond the limits of human hearing, it still has an effect on the sound of side to side. The higher the pitch of the sound, the closer the wiggles get, the recording. Audio recorded at extreme ranges provide harmonics for and your stylus is like a raft shooting the rapids. Everything, from bass to sounds that are within hearing range. Basically, it’s not only the notes treble, is happening at once, so the long, wide curves (bass and drums) played on a guitar that are important, but the air around the guitar as it’s have jagged wiggles (vocals, cymbals, guitars) superposed on top of them. played. There’s also a group of thought which believes that sounds are a It can be a tremendous amount of turmoil. subjective perception in human beings, called psychoacoustics, where the To get a firmer view on what a vinyl record does, it’s helpful to con- sound you can’t hear, the sounds that aren’t registered and can’t be suffi- trast them with CDs. Even though CDs may contain some of the world’s ciently measured by scientific devices, add to analog records a “warmth” greatest music, I still can’t help but feel a little removed from them since lacking in CDs. Maybe so. the music encoded in them is, techni- I looked into the melding of the two cally, just a series of 1s and 0s. It’s worlds: vinyl and digital and came data on a machine which you retrieve across the laser turntable. Although they by pushing a button or two. That said, minimize the wear on vinyl by only they’re economical for sharing with touching it with non-wearing laser, the friends and archiving hard-to-find cost is astronomical. If you want a music. device that plays both 7” and 12”, it Distilled to one simple concept, costs around $14,300, plus a service here’s the difference between the two contract that requires shipment to Japan, mediums: digital music re-creates and it only works on black vinyl. That’s sound. Analog music is sound. way out of my league. My current rig, An analog device can handle an from player to amplifier to speakers, was infinite number of values within its less than two hundred dollars. range. Analog is a continuous signal that constantly varies. The music on a Sitting and Spinning: vinyl record is continuous, rather than How a Record discrete. By contrast, a digital device Player Works can only manage a fixed number of possible values. An easy way to grasp A record is an incredible invention, the difference is by looking at a but it can’t spin and play itself. It needs clock. If you’re looking at one that has second, minute, and hour hands, something to move and tickle its grooves. That’s where a record player all of the hands’ movements are analog. A clock with only numbers rep- comes in. A platter, on which the record is placed, is spun at a specified resenting time is digital. Digital represents its information in steps (exact speed by a drive system. A pickup system in the form of a stylus and car- second, minute, and hour), while analog is continuously changing along a tridge converts the audio on a record into an electrical signal, which is more complex—yet naturally occurring—phenomenon. Analog differs by then sent to an amplifier. A tracking system in the form of a tonearm con- the fact that small fluctuations in the signal are meaningful. nects the cartridge to the turntable and also enables the pickup system to The CD is a digital re-engineering of the vinyl record, reusing the track the record grooves faithfully. basic activity of a disc with a spiral groove containing music tracks, yet Let’s look at the little bits and see how they all add up. utilizing digital codes and a non-contact infrared laser sensor instead of a The stylus: the tip of the needle. It’s the point of contact, usually a needle. CDs also play from the inside out. The number of values that a teeny tiny diamond. Contrary to the commercials, diamonds don’t last sound can have on a CD is pretty staggering. It can take snapshots of an forever. They wear out, too. It just takes a little longer than other gem- analog wave 44,100 times a second (called a 44.1 kHz sample rate), and stones. A stylus should ride in the grooves of a record with its weight measures each snapshot with a certain accuracy. Currently, industry stan- evenly distributed on two points at the insides of the groove. It sounds dard CDs are 16-bit, which means that a particular sound has 65,536 dif- pretty benign until you realize how much acceleration the stylus is sub- ferent possible values. That’s a lot of information, but it’s technically far jected to. Some studies have shown that the needles spin in an upward of from infinite. 100 g’s. (Without a protective suit, the human body can typically with- In fact, there’s an argument that the sampling rate isn’t high enough to stand 5 g’s of force before loss of consciousness.) Styli also travel far dis- capture subtle, almost subliminal differences. A vinyl record has a much tances: about half a mile per record. After 1,500 plays, the 63 stylus has traveled further than I do when I get on the other end. Inside the pickup is a tiny, per- Jukebox Timeline in my truck in Los Angeles and drive for eleven manent magnet, which is placed between two hours to skate a really great, not-too-fancy com- fixed coils. This cartridge, affixed to the pivoted 1890s: The first Automatic Phonograph munity park in Ashland, Oregon. That’s pretty tonearm of the turntable, is the key factor in the Parlors were businesses that had a collection damn far. reproduction of music from records because it of cylinder phonographs with four listening You know when makes the first and only tubes. They were brought about by the vogue your stylus is giving out contact with the record. of the slot machine. They did a flourishing when your records start Anything lost at that ini- business for just two years—one multi-listen- sounding super shitty. tial point will never be ing phonograph earned over $1,000 in its first (There’s a big differ- recovered. six months of operation in San Francisco’s ence between sounding The pickup is about Palais Royal Saloon—and then the craze shitty-by-design and the size of a fingernail vanished. just plain ol’ shitty.) At on your pinkie finger. It the first sign of notice- not only detects and 1927: Automatic Music Instrument Company able wear, go buy a new measures mechanical of Grand Rapids introduced the all-electric stylus. Not only does it motions of hundreds of coin-operated phonograph to replace coin- suck when your favorite thousandths of an inch, operated pianos. The idea didn’t immediately records sound like poo, it converts these take hold. Few were built prior to 1934. you run the risk of cut- motions into electric ting them. A sharp edge energy: signals as tiny 1930s: The term “jukebox” came into use in forms on the stylus and as one-thousandths of a the United States. “Jook” was slang for gouges away at the volt. As mentioned pre- “dance.” “Box” still meant “box.” The first friendly little sound- viously, the motion of nickel jukeboxes kept the recorded music providing wiggles in the stylus is caused by industry alive during the Great Depression. the record grooves. Get the shape of the this: there is such a small amount of area resting grooves. The motion of the magnet is caused by 1934: Wurlitzer introduced multiple-selec- on the groove—literally, not even the tip of nee- the motion of the stylus via the pickup. This tion jukeboxes. By 1939, 25,000 were dle, but the sides—that the total force the stylus electrical energy, in the form of a tiny current installed across America. Bing Crosby was places on the record is measured in tons per inducted into the coils, represents the music that the #1 selection. (Bing Crosby, who by the square inch. I found claims ranging between was used to determine the shape of the groove in time of his death in 1977, recorded 1,600 hit fourteen tons to forty tons. To put this in a little the first place. It’s really quite elegant. If you’ve songs, made sixty-one movies, and sold 500 perspective, twenty tons per square inch is the ever played a record without turning on your million records [over ten times the number amount of force exerted by an eight-foot shark’s speakers, you can hear the record faintly. This that Elvis had sold by that time]). jaws and it takes very little effort for a shark to very quiet signal is then fed to an amplifier. The bite through bone and tissue. Imagine what it stylus vibrations are so small that they must be 1949: An Omaha radio man, Todd Storz, cre- could do to your most rare Articles of Faith, amplified thousands of times to produce sounds ates the Top 40 after realizing that customers Spontaneous Disgust, Big Boys, Smog Marines, from the speakers. in a bar played the same jukebox selections or Zero Boys record. Carnage. Not a pretty The cartridge is attached to what’s called the over and over again. thought. tracking system. The tracking system positions To make this all seem a little more like sci- the stylus in the right spot and enables the stylus 1951: Debut of the first jukebox that is able ence fiction, instead of a happy little record spin- to track the record grooves. What positions the to play 7” 45 rpm records. ning around being tickled by a nice little needle, stylus is called the tonearm. Look at your arm. It the temperature of the stylus rises to over 300 kinda looks like that. It’s a long unit that holds degrees Fahrenheit, which momentarily melts the headshell (which contains the little hook There is such a the vinyl as it passes through. Ever wonder sticking out from it, so you can lift the tonearm where pops, hisses, and ticks come from? Often with a single finger), cartridge, stylus, and a small amount of times, if there’s dust on the stylus or the record, counterweight. This counterweight offsets the area resting on the it’ll be baked right onto the stylus and rip off majority of the weight of the arm itself so not groove—literally, not chunks of the vinyl. If the scratch is deep too much pressure is put on the stylus and less of enough, it could cause the needle to skip over a a burden is imposed on the vinyl. Think of an even the tip of nee- series of grooves, causing the player to skip over almost perfectly balanced see saw. There is just dle, but the sides— a segment, or worse, cause the needle to skip enough weight on the stylus end of the arm to that the total force back, creating a locked groove. D’oh! pick up the information in the ridges of a record, The greatest demands are placed on the yet keep it from jumping up and down or skip- the stylus places on smallest unit in the complete turntable system: ping completely out of the groove. the record is meas- the cartridge. The cartridge is the unit containing On the far end of the tonearm is a seldom- ured in tons per the stylus that actually converts sound into small visited dial (or slide) called the anti-skating electrical impulses. The “moving magnet sys- device. If you placed a blank record on your square inch. I found tem” is the most popular and widely used car- turntable, the stylus would be automatically claims ranging tridge in use today. In modern stereos, the stylus pulled towards the center of the record. This between fourteen means solely the tip, the connecting point of the phenomenon is called skating. It’s unwanted record player onto the playing surface of the because it results in greater exertion of stylus tons to forty tons. record. The stylus is attached to a doohickey pressure on the inner groove wall. An anti-skat- called the pickup. The pickup is the stem that ing device exerts a small outward force on the connects the stylus, on one end, and to a magnet tonearm to compensate the inward thrust, so 65 when you put the stylus in a groove, there’s an even weight between the A stamper is a negative used to stamp out records. One is needed for inner and outer edges of the groove. each side. Stampers are used to press the grooves into preheated vinyl. If With all of these components dialed in and working together, your you’ve ever wondered how some records get streaked or marbled (and if record will spin at the correct speed, won’t get chewed up, won’t skip, you’ve never seen one of these gems, you’re missing out, because even if and it will provide you with the best possible sound your turntable is the music on them sucks, they’re neat to hang up for decoration) vinyl capable of. All you have to do is plug it into an amplifier and hook up starts off in pellets that look a lot like rabbit poop. Most vinyl nowadays some speakers. Then, you can dance around in your underwear and air starts out clear and then color is added. Not all black-looking vinyl is the guitar to your heart’s content. same. Traditionally, black vinyl was treated with carbon, which provided a stronger, slower-wearing surface. It was then discovered that if the car- Fine-Lined Beauties: bon wasn’t added and the vinyl compound was tweaked, a quieter play- How Vinyl Records Are Made ing surface could be achieved even though it is a slightly weaker record. Put a black record up to the light. If you can’t see through it, it’s carbon Okay, so we know how the record came to be and how it plays. How black. If you can, it’s clear vinyl that is dyed black. The two sound virtu- are records currently made? I knew that the process for making a record ally the same. would be involved, but initially didn’t realize all the steps. A vinyl record The stampers are mounted to the top and bottom of the record press has to be recorded, mastered, cut, fathered, mothered, stamped, poured, and the heated vinyl is formed into a biscuit. The biscuit is then poured pressed, labeled, and sleeved. Damn, that’s a lot of work, but with almost into the center of the press between the labels, the press closes, and 300 everything else in life, stuff that’s easy to make is as equally easy to degree Fahrenheit stampers press down on the biscuit to form a record. throw away. These processes are refined and fancied-up versions of both That’s why they call it a record “pressing.” This all takes around twenty what Berliner and Edison had developed over a hundred years ago. seconds. Then the records are lifted out of the press, trimmed of excess To manufacture a vinyl record, you start with a master tape. From vinyl, laid flat to cool down, then sleeved. about 1950 on, it became usual to have the performance first recorded The one hundred tons of pressure needed to press vinyl records is onto audio tape, which could then be processed or edited. This master hard on the stampers, which will wear out and lose sound quality after tape, technically, can be anything from a boom-box tape to a CD-R to a about 1,000 records are pressed on them. A word to the wise to bands: DAT (digital audio tape) to a reel-to-reel, but it must be compatible with have your stampers returned to you by the pressing plant with your record what the vinyl pressing plant can deal with. (Call ahead.) The process of order. They usually won’t hold them for very long and will scrap them for mastering is when the finished product is duplicated onto a media that is nickel. As a brief aside, some of the crappiest-sounding vinyl records used to mass-produce more copies. Mastering also makes sure that the were the result of a familiar trait that has constantly plagued the record- entire record sounds cohesive and balanced. ing industry since its beginning in 1890s. Greed. For many years, U.S. In the beginning, a record cutter would engrave the grooves into the manufacturers used poor quality vinyl and overpressed their masters to master disc, often made of soft beeswax. Nowadays, using a cutting save money, often pressing three to four times the amount of records that lathe, the music is transferred onto an aluminum disc covered with lac- a stamper could handle. quer. The lathe operates with a heated sapphire or diamond-tipped stylus Well, that’s about it. I just want to underscore a simple idea before that etches a single, continuous groove into the soft lacquer. Inside the splitting. Since what I do—as co-editor and co-publisher of Razorcake— stylus are tiny coils. They’re like miniature speakers that, instead of is to help preserve and perpetuate punk rock culture to the best of my moving air, push the stylus to etch a groove. This stylus can oscillate at abilities, an element that lures me to vinyl records is that they’re so acute- up to 16,000 times per second as it “cuts” the record. This precise oper- ly finite. There has never been a vinyl punk rock record that has sold a ation converts electronic impulses into grooves on the record. If the cut million copies. That appeals to the seeker in me. That’s one thing that is too deep, your playback stylus may not fit correctly in the groove; if keeps compelling me to keep my ears close to the underground. We’re it’s too shallow, it may skip tracks. Each lacquer disc is single sided, so dealing with limited windows of time where you can get a record at its two must be made for a standard two-sided record. The catalog number, original price, from record companies that are often little more than the or matrix number, is added to the lead-out groove on the “dead wax” band’s self-made label, or a close friend who put some money down and space at the edge of the disc, surrounding where the label is traditional- runs the whole operation out of a closet. The record collector in me is also ly glued. savvy to the fact that the most valued records ever made came in extreme- The lacquer disc—which some folks call an “acetate”—is then ly limited press runs. In punk rock, a press run of 10,000 pieces of vinyl cleaned, washed, and bathed in chloride. It’s then sprayed with a combi- for a single record is gi-fucking-gantic. Most records have press runs of nation of silver, glucose (which is a form of sugar), and formaldehyde to less than a thousand. Usually, when they’re gone, they’re gone (either lit- make it electrically conductive. An acetate looks like a vinyl record, but erally or into the financial stratosphere of Ebay) and it’s not like you can it is actually a metal plate covered in a thin layer of acetone. (For you buy a blank piece of vinyl for less than fifty cents (like you can with a collectors out there, acetates are the rarest form of any record. Usually, CD), and make an exact vinyl duplicate copy. With vinyl, you’re literal- they’re one-sided. They can be played but wear out very quickly.) The ly holding a slice of time that can’t easily be replicated by the end user. acetate is then put in the technical equivalent of what usually happens True, the sounds on the vinyl can be replicated—if you hook a turntable when two mutually attracting bodies sit in a hot tub and drink a lot of up to a computer’s sound card—but making only one vinyl duplicate of beer. Well, sorta. The nickel in the bath slips into the silver on the record. a record once it’s out of print? It’d cost you over five hundred bucks and The two bond together, creating an exact, fitting layer. When that metal you still wouldn’t have the cover art. But why go though all of that? layer is engorged enough, it is removed from the tub and the lacquer is Go find your new favorite band, one that’s still around. It may cost thrown away. Ta da. When that 1/15,000” metal is separated from the you as little as four bucks and the rewards, well the rewards, to me, are master disc, you’ve now got what’s called the “father” plate, which is a as obvious as and plain to see as a great record spinning on a turntable. negative of the original. It has protruding ridges instead of grooves. The mother plate is made from a re-oxidized father plate. It is a pos- Special thanks go out to Jason Willis of the Knockout Pills and Paul itive metal duplicate, identical to the finished record (yet can’t be Brekus of Aardvark Record Mastering for lending their expertise and played). If you’re going to make less than 10,000 copies of a record, you considerable knowledge to this article. can skip making a stamper and use the father as one. (Here’s the math: one father can make ten mothers. One mother can make ten stampers. One stamper can make 1,000 records.) 67 a loophole in the University of California Josh: How old were you when you got system. into BMX? In the pages of this very interview, the Allan: I work at a warehouse packing Allan: Twelve. Actually, I was probably members of Giant Haystacks will refer to boxes of records. more like thirteen. It was the year that themselves as sort of a Minutemen Josh: Because when I was researching you everyone did it… cover band, but don’t let their modesty guys, I found another Allan McNaughton Nate: The year that BMX broke. fool you. At first listen, their music does who’s apparently big shit in the computer Allan: It was the Cabbage Patch Kids of bear a striking resemblance to San programming world. that year, everyone got a BMX in 1983 so Pedro, California’s finest. It’s frenetic and Allan: He actually gets a lot of my fre- I did too. The next year everyone got into disjointed. There’s very few choruses. quent flyer miles. I never get any of his. something else but I stuck with BMX with It’s dance music for people who can’t There’s also another Allan McNaughton a bunch of my friends. Quite a few of the dance and people who don’t like to that writes children’s stories, and I get all people who I’ve known through BMX are dance. If you dig a little deeper, you’ll his royalties. I spend ‘em on porn because still some of my closest friends, and hear echoes of the haunting cold war I feel like that’s what he would do, too. they’re still involved with it. paranoia of Really Red and the skewed Josh: How old were you when you moved Josh: Why’d you stick with it? oddball pop of the Embarrassment. But here from Scotland? Nate: Because he’s hardcore. to just compare them to other bands Allan: Twenty-five. Allan: I just felt really connected to it. would be selling them short. In the end, Josh: Okay, so you were already involved Who knows? Maybe if my closest friends it’s three very intelligent people playing in punk rock by that point. What’s that like had gotten out of it, I might have, too. We music for no other reason than to just do in Scotland? There aren’t a whole lot of all kind of stuck with it together, so it was it, and I guess that’s the strongest Scottish bands that I can think of. like a community. Minutemen comparison of all. Allan: When I got into punk rock proper- Josh: What’s your earliest memory of ly, it was through skateboarding and BMX, wanting to play music? Interview by Josh so I actually got into a lot of American Nate: I was in the junior high band and I Photos by Kat Jetson bands before I got into British bands. was gonna play trumpet. Two of my Shortly after that, I realized that there was friends were gonna play trumpet with me, Josh: So how often do people go to your actually a scene going on in the city clos- but they didn’t show up to class the first website mistakenly thinking it’s for the est to me, which was Glasgow. The scene day. They went to wood shop instead, like wrestler Haystacks Calhoun? in Glasgow was a pretty good DIY scene all the other cool kids. There was one guy Allan: I don’t really know. We know how of bands that were definitely punk but I knew playing drums, so I started playing many people go there, but we don’t know more influenced by bands like the Ex and drums because I knew him and I just kept why they go there. Actually, we’re not the Minutemen, so I was going to see playing. Got a drum set that same year and named after Haystacks Calhoun. We’re bands like Dawson and the Stretchheads. have been annoying my parents ever since named after another wrestler called Giant Those are really two of the biggest influ- then. Haystacks. ences on me, those local bands from when Allan: I’ve got a vague memory of trying Josh: I thought they were the same person. I was young. I don’t live there anymore, to get my cousins and my brother to play Allan: No, Haystacks Calhoun was an but I still get the feeling that there’s a pret- music when we were little kids. We had American wrestler and Giant Haystacks ty strong scene. this old acoustic guitar and I would strum was an English wrestler. When he wrestled that and I wanted someone else to sing and in the US, he went under the name Loch my brother to bash a bucket or whatever. I Ness. People do pick up on the wrestling don’t think I ever persuaded them to actu- reference, but there’s only about thirty peo- ally do it. Later on, I took that acoustic gui- ple a year who click on our website, so it’s tar to a lesson that they were having at the not a big deal. church hall. They were playing acoustic Josh: What do you do for a living? gospel and I went for one lesson but it was Nate: I’m a copy editor for press releases. really lame and boring. It’s real exciting. Josh: At church? No way! Daniel: I’m a semi-official student. Allan: I went home and put the acoustic Josh: Explain “semi-official.” guitar on top of my wardrobe. I think it’s Allan: He doesn’t enroll. He just shows up still there. for classes. Daniel: I think it was in eighth grade when Daniel: There’s something called concur- a friend and I performed Simon and rent enrollment where I take advantage of 68 Garfunkel’s “The Sound of Silence” but selves to speak like the newsreaders on the Nate: Playing music. Making other people we didn’t have a guitar. It was for a talent BBC did. It gives kids in Scotland a sense happy by playing music in front of them. show or something, and it sounded like of inferiority even at a young age. I think Allan: There are things that give me hope. shit. We had to get the music teacher to maybe if they got to read books that reflect- There are people who are doing good, pos- play piano or something, so after that, we ed their lives and reflected the way people itive things to make changes everywhere decided that we had to learn guitar. talked around them and reflected the lives they can, so you realize that humanity’s not Allan: Daniel is actually the only musician that people led, they might feel as if they all bad. We’re not all just insects that in the band. had something to offer culturally. should be wiped out, but most of us are. Nate: If I had stuck to trumpet, I’d be a Josh: Would you consider yourselves para- Josh: Explain the crucial gap. musician. I’d also have a lot less to carry noid or maybe pessimistic? Allan: That’s kind of self-help therapy- around. Allan: As people, I think we’re pretty light- speak that you could probably get in a Allan: A life lesson for you. hearted in general. We’re not like, “Oh man, paperback book at the supermarket. I guess Josh: What made you say that you wanted the system is bringing us down,” so I don’t that helps us on; you know, make the most to start a three-piece band? Like, why no know where that comes from in the music. of your situation and quit sitting around more than three? Although I do think the world is going to moping about it. That’s more of the mes- Allan: It’s all you need. The more people hell. sage of the band than anything else like the you add, the more… Nate: I think when you guys sit down and bleakness or pessimism or paranoia. Josh: Diluted? write lyrics, you write about what’s fucked Despite the fact that the world is fucked up, Allan: It doesn’t dilute it, but it’s more up and that comes through. there’s still room to do your own thing and hassle. Three people are easy to manage. Allan: Seriously, I’m pessimistic about the do what you want and carve out your own It’s easy to get people together. You don’t state of the world. I go through phases of little niches. We’re doing this band and no have to have a shitload of equipment, you thinking, “Oh, things have changed,” but I one gave us permission, we just did it. can just bring the bare minimum of stuff. don’t think they have, you know what I Nate: That’s very quotable, Allan. It’s just our minimal approach; do as much mean? No one who’s going to be reading Allan: Thank you. as you can with the bare necessities. A lead Razorcake needs me to tell them what’s Josh: Who is “A Different Fish” about? singer is kind of extraneous, and so is hav- wrong. You just have to take a look around. Daniel: Tell us what you guessed first. ing a lead guitar and a rhythm guitar. I like plen- ty of bands that are four- pieces and twelve-pieces or whatever, but for us, I like keeping it simple and straightforward. Josh: If you could take any book that you had to read in high school and replace it with any book you want, what would you do? Allan: I would replace almost all the books by English authors that we were forced to read and replace them with Scottish authors like James Kelman, Irvine Welsh, Tom Leonard, people like that. When I was growing up, we were brought up to believe that Allan: As people, I think we’re pretty light-hearted in general. We’re not like, “Oh man, the system is bringing us down,” so I don’t know where that comes from in the music. Although I do think the world is going to hell. the way we talked and the way we wrote Open a newspaper and it’s all bad news. Josh: I didn’t make a guess. was wrong, and that we had to train our- Josh: Well, then what gives you guys hope? Daniel: Fair enough. Well, actually there’s no reason for you to be able to guess just by Allan: That’s hopeful. Allan: They’re all Minutemen covers in a the lyrics. Josh: How long have you worked for way. Someone else said we sound like the Allan: That line in the song, “If you want to Maximum Rocknroll? Violent Femmes. Maybe that means we’re be a different fish, you have to jump out of Allan: Consistently since 1995, when I hard to classify, and that’s good. Whatever the school,” that’s actually a quote from moved to America. I had done some other their experience is, they relate it to that. If Captain Beefheart when he was being inter- stuff on and off, like guest columns, but in somebody’s never heard Wire or the viewed on The David Letterman Show. I 1995 I started doing reviews and layouts Minutemen or Gang of Four or Mission of had this videotape with a clip of that, and I and stuff like that, and I was president of the Burma or all these other bands that people felt like people were laughing at him and board of directors for a while, so therefore I trot out, then maybe the Violent Femmes is not really appreciating the fact that he’s a was president of punk. My theory was that the closest thing to compare it to. genius. They just thought he was eccentric since Maximum Rocknroll controls punk, Josh: At what point in your life were you and silly and stupid and laughable. They the president of the board of directors of more scared than you had ever been before? couldn’t see things the way he sees them, so Maximum Rocknroll would be the de facto Nate: I got beat up about a year ago, and they just thought it was funny. I’m not say- president of punk. Not a lot of people knew after that, when I realized how bad things ing I can see things the way he sees them… that at the time, I didn’t receive the defer- were, I got scared. I got jumped by three Josh: But you can kind of appreciate it. ence that I expected, so I quit. guys, and afterwards I was sitting in the Daniel: What was that song called before? Josh: I’m actually the treasurer of hospital thinking, “Holy shit, I could have Nate: “I’m Going to Wash My Socks in the Razorcake. died.” I was scared afterwards, but not dur- Shower.” Allan: What does that entail? ing. Daniel: Yeah, we had some really silly Josh: I, uh, take the money envelope to the Allan: I remember feeling a general fear lyrics for that song before the “different post office and pay for postage with it. and anxiety for most of the ‘80s. fish” idea came in. Allan: So you’re the mailman of punk. Daniel: “What am I gonna wear?” Allan: We do that, where we fill in any Josh: What’s the weirdest comparison Allan: “Is this desk going to protect me We’re not all just insects that should be wiped out, but most of us are. stream-of-consciousness words until we you’ve ever heard of your band? when the bomb goes off?” come up with actual lyrics just so we have Allan: Somebody said we sounded like the Daniel: I went through a period where a something to sing when we practice it. Descendents. I think it was because he was friend of mine was suicidal. It’s one thing Josh: Who’s John Ray Leonard and why’d a young guy and he didn’t have a lot of ref- when you’re suicidal. You don’t have to be you write a song about him? erence points. afraid because it’s in your hands. When Daniel: He’s this guy who devotes his life to Daniel: Another guy came up to me and someone you love is suicidal, that’s got to defending the rights of people who have been said he liked the Minutemen song we be the scariest thing. hospitalized… played, but we didn’t play anything by the Josh: Why do you think it’s not as simple Allan: Marginalized. Minutemen. as the police versus the kids? Daniel: …Against their will, or threatened with hospitaliza- tion against their will for sup- posed mental deficiencies. That’s his cause. At the end of that song [“John Ray Leonard”], there’s a thing about him leading a move- ment in this town. That movement is the people who feel they have been unjustly restrained on the basis of their behavior. I read about it in the Street Spirit. Allan: It’s a homeless newspaper. Homeless people sell it to make a little bit of money. Daniel: It’s kind of a local story. That’s partly why I was interested in it.
70 Allan: There’s a tendency to paint really complex problems as black and white, right or wrong, left and right, whatever, and it’s never that simple. It’s never like all the kids are cool and all the pigs are pigs. The pig who you want to throw a rock at or blow up has a wife and kids at home. To be certain, I’m not an apologist for cops. They choose their job and they make that decision, but it’s still worth thinking about that they’re human beings. Daniel: We actually dedicated that song to a police officer one time. Allan: Yeah, a cop came to see us and we played that song. He came because he thought we were that pro-cop band. Daniel: We got arrested after that. Josh: Nate, can you tell me the story of how you got poison ivy on your dick? Nate: We were up in Bodega Bay at this house with a bunch of friends, and we were looking around and the house right above us on the hill had a hot tub. It was perfect. No sign of inhabi- tancy all day. We went up there at night, lifted the cover, and it was cold, so we were like, “Oh well. Fuck it.” One of my friend’s was like, “No! We’ll turn it on and heat it up. We’ll come back in an hour. It’ll be great!” So we started walking around looking for the circuit breaker when, all of a sudden, all the lights in the fuckin’ house come on. We started run- ning off the deck and this guy comes out with a shotgun: “Don’t move or I’ll shoot you!” We dive off this deck that’s fifteen feet up and go sliding down this hill and had to crawl through this ditch to get home. I guess I got it on my hand and then when I went to piss, I got it on my dick. It was awful, like a grapefruit swinging from the end of the shaft. Totally awful. Don’t touch your dick after you’ve been in the woods. www.gianthaystacks.com
We also encourage people to write: Giant Haystacks, PO Box 22971, Oakland, CA 94609 71 ’m a relative newcomer to hanging around the Boston music scene. Sort of a late bloomer, I guess. I’ve always been interest- Ied in music, especially hooky rock music with brains. But it’s only Boston in the last couple of years that I’ve become aware of the fact that there is so much good music being made by local musicians. I think it’s part- ly because there is so little good music on the radio or MTV. Back in the 1980s when I was starting to really build my record collection (and my DIY sense of what I do and don’t like), you could hear The Ramones and The Pretenders and The Jam and The Clash on the radio. Back then I was working in an independently owned record store and attending arena shows more than local clubs, because acts like R.E.M, Hoodoo Gurus and The Cult were playing arenas. But today, mainstream radio Rock has largely abandoned rock music in favor of flavor of the month Barbie impersonators and O-Town boy bands, meaning that real rock music, the kind that draws you in and makes you feel like part of a secret soci- ety, the kind that makes your pelvis swing, the kind that makes you want to jump up and down uncontrollably, has gone underground, where it was born in the first place and where it has always thrived. So if I want to hear new bands performing the kind of authentic music that moves me I have to go the clubs of Boston and Cambridge and Quincy. My pur- By Brian Mosher suit of this authentic rock music has led me to a gig writing CD and con- cert reviews for The Noise, a local zine that’s been covering the scene Photos by E. Law for over twenty-five years, a period of time during which the Boston underground has produced some truly impressive bands. Bands like The Modern Lovers, Del Fuegos and ‘Til Tuesday, all of whom had sig- nificant chart success and a lasting influence on modern rock, and bands like The Real Kids, The Dogmatix, The Lyres, The Pixies, The Neighborhoods and The Blackjacks, just to name a few, who all pro- duced influential records, if not hits—records that continue to echo in the recordings of garage bands and young punks around the world.
And the scene in Boston today is as my personal favorites, The Dents. Led by vibrant and varied as it’s ever been. On a powerful pair of female singers, The any given night, seven nights a week, Dents play a style of punk/pop that’s hard there’s a show somewhere in the greater to categorize but easy to enjoy. The two Boston area to please pretty much anyone, leading ladies, who split the vocal and as long as you’re not opposed to having song writing duties, are Michelle Paulhus some beer spilled on your shoe—or spit in on bass and Jen D’Angora on rhythm gui- your face. From the pure pop of The tar. In addition to The Dents, Michelle also Rudds or Scamper to the street punk of plays bass in the all-female cover band Far From Finished or The Street Dogs; The Other Girls and the punk band The from the power pop of Brett Rosenberg or Marvels. Jen, meanwhile, only recently The Buckners to the beer-soaked ‘77 punk left The Other Girls, and plays guitar and of Nobody’s Heroes or Darkbuster; and sings in The Downbeat 5 with lead gui- from the country rock of Bees’ Knees or tarist and ex-husband JJ Rassler, who’s The Country Doctors to the anthemic been playing in Boston bands for over garage rock of The Charms—you can find three decades, most notably with the sem- it all in the general neighborhood of the inal DMZ. The Dents’ lead guitarist, Craig little city that likes to think of itself as the Adams, also plays in the metal band Hub of the Universe. And Boston is a Bipolarcoaster, and in the AC/DC cover small city, geographically, at least, so it’s band Beefy DC (you’ve got to see it to pretty easy to get around town, and maybe believe it, but the lead singer weighs more even catch more than one show in a single than my entire family, and sounds exactly evening. like Bon Scott). While The Dents are an I’m not exactly a scene insider, but I extreme example of this multiple band have gotten to know a few local musi- thing, there are few bands in the city that cians, and have been to quite a few shows don’t have at least one member with over the last twelve months or so. One of another project. the first things I noticed about the current According to some of the veterans on scene is the fact that so many of the musi- the scene, this is a relatively new phenom- cians are in multiple bands. Perhaps the enon. Drummer extraordinaire Jimmy Michelle most dramatic example of this is one of Birmingham (most recently of a reformed The Dents / The Marvels version of The Real Kids and Mach V) interests, the only option is to have multi- says, “Growing up it was one band only. It ple musical projects. amazes me now that one person can have Obviously, it can be a challenge to three different bands and play well with balance the schedules of more than one all of them.” And he knows what he’s band, in addition to having a job. Michelle talking about. He is good friends with Paulhus: “there have been times when the Michelle Paulhus and was invited to join Dents’ and Marvels’ schedules conflicting The Dents when their drummer quit, but have resulted in turning down shows. being a full-time teacher, he didn’t feel Most recently The Dents had to turn down like he had the time to devote to a full- a Saturday night gig at CBGBs due to The time band. Marvels having an important show on the Mach Bell (Thundertrain, Joe Perry same night.” But, to Michelle at least, it’s Project and currently with Mach V) has worth the occasional schedule conflicts to this to say: “Y’know, I can’t really recall have the opportunity to play in two vital, this multiple band thing happening at all active bands: “… because I love both the ‘til around the mid-‘80s. Even then it Dents and the Marvels so much, I feel like would only be like a very hot drummer or it is worth it.” Having seen both bands, I’d maybe a two-man rhythm section splitting have to agree. They’re both dynamic, time between a couple of bands. In the exciting bands to watch, with very differ- ‘60s and ‘70s the band line-ups stayed ent sounds. The Marvels hit you like a pretty sacred. Bands like Thundertrain Mack truck, and then spit in your face to who often played outside the city usually make sure you got the message. The had to be ready to fill an entire night with Dents come at you more subtley, with har- several sets of music. I think we had more monies and melodies laying on top of the Richie Unnatural Axe There's a show somewhere in the (photo by Brian Mosher) greater Boston area to please pretty much anyone, as long as you're not opposed to having some beer spilled on your shoe-or spit in your face. opportunities to cram a lot more variety driving rhythms. The Marvels’ sound is into those lengthy song lists.” By contrast, dense, like a brick wall. The Dents’ sound shows nowadays consist of three or four has more space, more room for interesting bands, each playing thirty to forty-five guitar lines, but they’re still capable of minutes. Do the math—with at least a kicking you in the gut if that’s what they dozen clubs featuring live music seven think you deserve. But Michelle fits in nights a week, three or four bands per perfectly in each. As co-front person, she night, there’s a ton of gigs, with a ton of adds both a Shangri-Las type tough girl bands filling them. And, with the shorter edge and a sort of Mary Tyler Moore-like sets, bands don’t have as much time to sense of classy sexiness to The Dents, make an impression. They’ve got to give while blending in more with The Marvels, the audience their best shot, with no room almost like one of the boys. for filler. Mach Bell continues: “Today’s One of the positive byproducts of all bands and audiences all seem to specialize this crossing over from one band to anoth- a lot more. So if a player wants to detour er is that there are a lot of friendships into, say, some deep Jamaican grooves, between bands that don’t play the same first he has to break away from his regular style. In fact, the whole scene has a great southern rock, or whatever, band and put deal of interconnectedness and cama- together a side project.” If you go see The raderie. Not that this closeness is com- Coffin Lids, you’re gonna get lo-fi garage pletely new. Mach Bell again: “The rock, a la The Mummies and The Sonics; Boston rock community has stayed pretty if you go see Sugabomb, you’re gonna get tight over the years. Around 1976 when raunchy hard rock; if you go see The Thundertrain was recording the Live at Country Doctors, you’re gonna get, well, the Rat album, I was hanging with bands country, obviously. And, for the most part, like DMZ, Willie Loco Alexander’s Boom audiences want to hear what they expect. Boom Band, Third Rail, Real Kids, Reddy Staffy So, for a musician with multiple musical Teddy, Fox Pass, and The Cars. We’d The Marvels 73 share bills with all of those guys and on to be constructive—but in my experience our night off we’d go check out newer they are the exceptions. We just played bands like Thrills and The with some bands in Haverhill that took Neighborhoods and party together after- our new CD into a radio station they wards. We spent a lot of good times with were playing on later that night. It’s on local deejays, photographers and fanzine their play list now. The bands in Boston writers, too. I’m glad to see all this cama- might be a little competitive, but it’s a raderie continuing in Boston but it does- friendly competition. A rising tide raises n’t always come easy. If you want a all boats, or some shit like that.” Jen whole community to support you, you D’Angora agrees: “There are usually really have to make an effort to get out people in other bands willing to help oth- and help support the community first. Go ers out with club info, getting shows, and to shows!” Or, as Heather DelBaso of sharing gear. The common misconcep- International Pen Pal says, “There is a tion about Boston is that the people here great deal of support and help from the are cold. Some of the warmest people music community in Boston. Most of my I’ve ever met are in the Boston music shows have been largely attended by scene.” other musicians, and I, in turn, like to see Scene vet Carl Bianucci (bass for their bands as well, not because I feel a Classic Ruins, Johnny & The Jumper sense of obligation, but more because I Cables, Kenne Highland & His Vatican like to take cues from them as to what Sex Kittens, Doom Buggies and Mach Rock'n'roll has always been the music of sex - either having sex, thinking about sex, wishing you knew what sex was like, whatever. I mean, Michelle Downbeat Five it's called "rock'n'roll" for a reason.
does and doesn’t work on stage. Being V) says that the Boston “rock scene has relatively new to the ‘rock musician’ as much and as little sense of community scene, I am always looking for tips and as anything else. My personal feeling is pointers. By going to see my fellow that all bands are jealous of each other’s musicians, I can learn by association.” successes, but also wish the nicer people Personally, I’ve been to shows well. Good people are good people; the where, other than me, the entire audience scene is no exception. In my book, folks is made up exclusively of members of like JJ Rassler, Michelle Paulhus, Tara the other bands on the bill. Of course, from Mr. Airplane Man are well liked, that’s probably not exactly good news for sometimes due to the fact that they are club owners, since band members don’t friendly, fun, and not above extending a usually have to pay to get in, and I’m hand to other bands, like putting a band sure the bands themselves would rather on a hot bill with them.” Again, though, there were more fans coming out, but it is Carl admits that there’s a flipside. “There indicative of the degree of loyalty are the jerks! No names, but one of them between people in different bands. As is not exactly a real kid, and the other one Eddie Charbonier of the band Kermit’s that comes to mind is a bit of a liar. Hint, Finger says, “Bands help each other all hint.” I’m not going to help you figure the time, either with shows or recording that out, but the folks in Boston will stuff, what have you. Whether it’s Jonee know what Carl means. Earthquake almost single handedly get- Within the scene, there are certain ting the North Shore scene going, Bill individuals who are more inclined to from Toxic Narcotic recording and help out other bands and foster the com- releasing every punk band around, or the munity atmosphere. One of them is Pete guys from the Midnight Creeps telling us Depressed (The Gobshites and Meat where to get the best cheap burgers in Depressed). He’s always trying to help Baltimore. Bands share info on venues, other bands get gigs, booking them on on touring, on just about everything. shows with his own bands as well as There are exceptions—bands that are not helping them network with club owners. Evan very friendly or don’t go out of their way He’s also an organizer. He’s put together Muck and the Mires a series of shows at the legendary folk fact that we (meaning many of the old club Passim’s that he calls “Punks Are school bands collectively) are still alive Folks.” He gets local punk singers to per- while so many of our friends and band- form solo acoustic sets of their own mates have died young has had kind of a material. So far, both the artists and the bonding effect on us older punks. I just club are happy with the arrangement, read a review of the Jabbers’ new CD and since it’s bringing a fresh crowd to the the reviewer starts out saying that ‘The venerable room, and is giving a new kind Jabbers are the LEAST likely band to of exposure to some talented songwrit- still all be alive.’ I was like, oh-oh, better ers. Pete also has put out two compilation start exercising and eating right. CDs on his Good Cop/Bad Cop Records. Anyway, we are friends now with bands He rents a studio for twenty-four hours, and individuals who we battled and lines up twenty-four bands, and lets them backstabbed mercilessly in punk’s hey- run wild. Well, not exactly. Actually, they day. It was very abrasive at times. It each get one hour to record one original seems so trifling now, but many of us song. Each band pays a portion of the hated the other local bands. Now, the fact recording cost, and receives a supply of that we are alive and able to play gives us the CDs to sell at their gigs and through something in common. their websites. Again, it’s a win/win situ- “The Internet and DIY phenomenon ation for everyone. Younger bands get has encouraged that community as well. the opportunity to experience the record- You can make digital recordings and dis- ing process at an affordable price, and all tribute them yourself through message the bands get the exposure that goes with boards and sites to like-minded bands having other bands’ fans hear them on and fans and zines. The Internet does the compilation. help punks stay connected and to net- One of the few exceptions to the work with each other and share ideas and “multiple bands” rule is another of my info and stuff.” favorite bands, The Country Doctors. One of the prime examples of the Jimmy Bass player Joe Allonby (formerly of The music community on the Internet is The The Marvels Modifiers) says, “I do the occasional Noise Board, a message board owned guest shot here or there with friends or and operated by the zine I write for, The former bandmates. Eric Doberman does Noise. You can find every type of musi- also. We’re trying to get Eric Moss to do cian here, players of every instrument in stuff like that as well. It’s good for the every style. Whether you want to put a soul. It gets you thinking different ways. new band together, or just find out where It gets other people to think of you in the best shows are happening, The Noise another way. It expands your audience. Board is the place to go. Like any mes- None of us really has a ‘solo project’ or sage board, there’s plenty of extraneous ‘project band.’” When I asked Joe about crap too, but for the most part that stuff is the community aspect of the Boston just another manifestation of the feeling scene, he had two answers: “Yes and no. of community. Bands post MP3s of their Yeah, there is a sense of community newest recordings, they publicize their between many of the musicians of the upcoming gigs, they advertise for new Boston scene. This can cut across genres drummers, they arrange transportation to and styles. That’s one of the things that and from shows. It’s become a pivotal have kept me in the Boston music scene. part of how music gets done in and My friends are there. We pull for each around Boston. other. Now here comes the ‘no’ side. Rock’n’roll has always been the Every community has its share of dicks. music of young people, and more than Often, success and talent are inversely that, it’s always been the music of sex— proportional. Frustrated performers either having sex, thinking about sex, whose success does not match their self- wishing you knew what sex was like, image can be petty and jealous. They can whatever. I mean, it’s called “rock- be backbiting, resentful, and divisive. ’n’roll” for a reason. As Chris Lamy They perceive the success of others as a says, “It is all about the ladies.” If it’s all personal affront. It ain’t pretty. These about the ladies for the Jabbers, then you people are in music for themselves, not know it’s all about the ladies for younger, the music. But they are there and numer- better-looking bands. But it’s also always ous.” been the music of the disenfranchised, Chris Lamy of The Jabbers (yes, the outcasts, the rejected. Which makes those Jabbers, the ones that used to be G. me want to tell you about a band I just G. Allin and The Jabbers) thinks that saw for the first time, three days before some of the sense of community that Christmas, 2004. They’re called The Brian exists today is a result of the scene sort of Spoilers, and they have a song with a The Curses growing up and maturing. “I think the refrain that goes something like “hey, 75 kid, you’re alright, even if your parents because they don’t want people to know don’t tell you so.” Ever since I saw them when and where they’re playing, but at the Beachcomber (in Quincy, on because they don’t do this for you, they Boston’s South Shore), I just can’t get this don’t play for the audience, they play for phrase out of my head. I mean, isn’t this themselves. That’s what I like about exactly what brings us all to rock’n’roll in them—they play to make themselves feel the first place? Don’t we come looking for alright, ‘cause no one else ever told them some acceptance, some sense of belong- they were. And when they feel alright, you ing, a sense of being alright? Most of us— do, too. I mean those of us who devote our lives to That’s the power of rock’n’roll, the rock music in one way or another—can’t power to face down the demons of this get that kind of thing at home. We can’t society we live in, a society where every- get it from our families, our co-workers, thing we could ever imagine is only a not even from most of our friends. But a mouse click away, where the television group of four young people with guitars brings a constant barrage of seemingly and drums, on a stage, singing a three- critical information right into our living minute pop song, can give it to us. It’s rooms without ever telling us anything amazing, really. What’s most amazing that might actually do us any good, with- about it is that The Spoilers aren’t a par- out ever telling us that it’s alright to be ticularly exceptional band. What they are who we are, to be different, to have is young, genuine, and passionate about thoughts and ideas that we don’t share playing rock’n’roll music. They’re real. with anyone else because they’re ours, our They have fun on stage. They play fast, own private things. A society where sing melodies that stick in your head, and everything is relative, nothing is absolute, Vikki Whether it's Bill from Toxic Sugabomb Narcotic recording and releasing every punk band around, or the guys from the Midnight Creeps telling us where to get the best cheap burgers in Baltimore, bands share info on just about everything.
make you feel like you’re alright, even if but where the one absolutely incontrovert- nobody else ever tells you that you are. ible fact is that we are completely alone. They’re angry, but not too angry. They’re But listening to The Spoilers gives you a cute, but not too cute, not so cute you feeling that none of that matters. And as can’t believe they actually look like this. long as there are bands like The Spoilers, They act like they like each other. When as long as there are songs that remind us you walk up to them after their set and tell that we’re alright, then there’s hope. And them they sounded good they’re humble, as long as there’s hope, then we can all but grateful—not too cool to accept a keep getting up in the morning and keep compliment, but self-critical enough to slogging through our day jobs and coming know that they didn’t play as well as they home to watch the TV news. Because we do in their rehearsal space. When you ask know that we can go to places like The them if they have a mailing list you can Beachcomber or The Abbey Lounge or get on, the lead singer says, “I’ve got a TT the Bear’s, and surround ourselves piece of paper,” and then she fishes with complete strangers who know us bet- around in her purse for a minute before ter than we know ourselves, and listen to producing a folded, wrinkled piece of yel- the redemptive sounds of three-chord low lined notebook paper. No pen. When rock’n’roll played by people who believe you borrow a pen from someone else, and as passionately as we do that this is as write your name and email address on the close as it’s possible to get to the prover- paper, and hand it back to her, you have bial mountaintop. This is as good as it Skinny Mike absolutely no confidence that you’ll ever gets. This is alright. Coffin Lids actually receive an email from them, not because they don’t care about you, or 77 Florida the “rock” side of the fence than I remember previous efforts being, but Hey Goober: Full they still do the southern scumrock thing quite well. Considering these album art is guys have been around long enough to required for have played marbles with Moses, it’s no surprise their chops are finely review. honed, and they manage to make something that could easily fall into Pre releases go “pathetic and sad” territory worth a into the trash. listen. –Jimmy Alvarado (TKO) ANTISEEN: 10 SECONDS TO LIFTOFF/ One Live Sonofabitch ANSWER LIES, THE: and a Hell of a Split: 7” Lot More: 2CD + DVD This 7” is apparently the first release Ugh. Now I realize why I never really from Dirt Culture Records, a spinoff got into these guys—a double CD of of Dirt Culture fanzine (of which I live tunes and outtakes from the early- have never heard). Both bands are to mid- ‘90s, and mindless thuggery from Las Cruces, New Mexico. Man, galore. Don’t get me wrong—there what is going on in Arizona and New are some interesting bits on the CDs, Mexico these days? All of the rock- but thirty-two tracks is simply too inest bands are springing up over There are few things i approach more much to take; I like my thuggery as there. Is it the desert heat? Shit, it much as anyone else, but it gets old must be. Answer Lies is fast political cheerlessly than the concept of putting up pretty quick. And the production isn’t punk that dropped my chin to my that great, so I kept switching over to chest. They are an amazing band. You with a guy playing his acoustic guitar in Julie Andrews songs to balance out ought to check ‘em out. Add this to public or on record. the bad karma just created. Regarding your to-do list, no doubts about that! the DVD, the live stuff is more of the 10 Seconds to Liftoff gives off a dif- same, but now you’ve gotta look at ferent vibe: more of a late ‘70s -Rev. Nørb them. HOWEVER, the Destructo English punk style. While listening to Video included herein was actually it, I couldn’t tell if the songs are just fairly interesting and entertaining; if musical gems as well as some songs ALLERGIC TO BULLSHIT: okay or so fucking good that it’s just you’re a fan, I suppose that in itself that are not as precious. The song You & Me This Is What We’re beyond me. This 7” is one for the his- will be worth the price. –The Lord “Woke up This Morning” is a muffled Here for and What We’re for tory books. –Mr. Z (Dirt Culture) Kveldulfr (Steel Cage) mess with a garage rock sound and Is What We’ll Get: 7” distorted vocals that simply is not Los Canadians, who Ivy of ATB pre- 101, THE: Green Street: CD pleasing to the ear. However, the next ARM, THE: Since, alphabetically, this might be the viously sang for, had a strained appeal track, “Black Sheep,” is a quintessen- for me. The music didn’t grab me, but Self-titled: 8-song CD very first review, I want to mention to Androgyny, angularity, and a cold- tial Adicts song that is fast paced with that voice… Ivy sounds like she swal- all bands and labels out there to please processed fusion of Wire and Lifter catchy riffs and lyrics that are easy to lowed rock candy: sweetness and check and see if your band fits in with Puller: all neon arrows point to art sing along to and jump around to like gravel mixed together. She has this what is covered by this here zine rock. For this guy, art rock’s like a an idiot. The Adicts have been around desperate, pleading quality to her before you submit it for review. blister forming under a toenail. for over twenty years and on this vocals that could easily make the Because chances are, you are going to There’s a point where it’s gotta pop, album they have a song called “We majority of female blues singers envi- get either me, the grumpy, jaded old where you have to go through the Looked Back,” which expresses their ous. Allergic to Bullshit makes it a lot guy, or Jimmy Alvarado giving it a ugliness of drilling the X-acto tip right appreciation to their fans as they easier for me to listen because, well, shit review. Even worse, if the two of into the nail and the first head of blood reflect on the time gone by since they they’re fucking awesome. This us don’t pick it up for months on end, and pus pools up… then push, push, have been a band. The song has a Bob recording is really dirty. There’s so the CD and inserts gets thrown away push. The Arm, although hard to put Dylan feel with the vocals sung in a much fuzz that it goes from low-fi to and we save the case. I’m being hon- an ear around at first, deliver in the strange talking voice. It is not their pretty annoying. Even with that in est. That is how it works. So much end with a perfectly ugly, dance-in- best song but the message of gratitude mind, this is well worth picking up, crap comes through here that we can’t the-doom release. Folks who dig the is still there. The best song on the along with their earlier 7”, Train I even get a dime for trade-in on some in-a-dark-butcher’s-freezer sound of album is “Cuppa Tea Song,” in which Ride. –Megan (Left off the Dial) of this stuff. I’m saying this as I have the Englanders express their desire for Joy Division would do well to pick to sit through another R.E.M. this up. Don’t let the dodgy bronze home and a cup of tea while in ALUMINUM KNOT EYE: wannabe that not only bores me, but goose on the cover fool you, it’s pret- America. The song is very simple but Trunk Lunker: CD makes my cats irritable. There is a rea- ty damn good. –Todd (Last Gasp; it is simply perfect. “Concert Adicto” Roky Erikson mania meets the son for college radio. So do yourself a is also a fabulous song, which is an www.lastgasprecords.com) favor, save some money, and don’t Reatards’ “record in your bedroom instrumental piano mix that includes with a bucket for a drum” aesthetic. send this kind of stuff to the zine or to snippets of their songs being played BAFABEGIYA: my attention. I hope my words caught Sometimes it seems a little bit like beautifully on the piano in between they’re trying too hard. I bet if you Those Who Die Dancing: 7” your attention. –Donofthedead classical piano measures. Overall, the Rebellious, rambunctious hardcore (Limekiln) played it at a party, everybody would album is a pleasant addition for fans leave, which I mean as a compliment. with rebellious, rambunctious lyrics. of the Adicts, but if you are unfamiliar –Josh (Trick Knee Productions) Songs are put together well, and I bet ABERNETHY: with their music, a different album these guys smoke live. –Jimmy He Teeny She: CD such as Songs of Praise or Smart Alex Alvarado (Spacement) Somewhere between Noel Paul AMERICAN STATIC: would be a wiser choice. –Jennifer Soundtrack of Stookey and Peter (of Peter, Paul, and Moncayo (SOS) BANG SUGAR BANG: Mary), a Terry Gilliam soundtrack, the Struggle: CD American Static sounds like they’ve Thwak Thwak: CD The The, and sacred music. That said, ADVERSARY WORKERS, Okay, let’s get something straight: there is something nice in the sooth- already sent their demo into TKO. THE: The Inner Workings Blue collar, proud-to-be-American, some songs should not be redone. ing-ness of this, but I’m not sure why of Change: CD “Sex Beat” is such a song, and redoing they would think to send it to us. alcohol-encrusted punk. Woo! –Mr. Z Skronky noise rock with political (Street Anthem) it with vocals that sound like Siouxsie –Megan (www.joeabernethey.com) lyrics. Wasn’t exactly my cup of tea, Sioux with a tummy ache only makes matters worse. The rest of this wasn’t but dang near anything with lyrics that ANTISEEN: ADICTS, THE: too painful a listen, but after hearing run contrary to the popular party line Badwill Ambassadors: CD Rise and Shine: CD what they did to what is thee quintes- can’t be all bad. –Jimmy Alvarado Things are a bit slower and more on This release from the Adicts has some (www.collectiverecords.com) sential Gun Club track, I had a hard time focusing on any of their merits. merged with banshee-howl guitars and –Jimmy Alvarado a pagan, devil rock backbeat. But, you (www.bangsugarbang.com) know, I’m not gonna do that. Just pick up a copy yourself and revel in THE BASSHOLES, THE: WORD, brothers and sisters, put forth Broke Chamber Music: CD by some of the Church of It’s pretty easy to bag on modern punk Rock’n’Roll’s most venerated rock. Lots and lots of people have prophets. As they put it so eloquently Top 40 7”s embraced the superficial aspects of it on their CD booklet, “Soul is the while ignoring what’s important. Lots teacher, punk is the preacher,” and to and lots of people have taken a viscer- not heed that message would be al, powerful kind of music and glossed absolute folly. –Jimmy Alvarado Doesn’t really have any- it over, clipped its nails, and purtied its (Alternative Tentacles) thing to do with records, hair up real nice. Somewhere along the way, it got turned into a cool police BENT OUTTA SHAPE: but Wild Zero’s a rad badge. Not to put too fine a point on it, Self-titled: 12” EP but that really sucks. As much as that Considering their name, it’s ironic that movie. You should see it. sucks, it doesn’t mean that great punk the record I got was bent almost like a rock doesn’t exist anymore. Just taco. Some carefully applied heat and These are the because some bondage-panted future pressure, a little patience, and it’s a top 7”S since accountant is bitching about his deli playable, wavy potato chip. So, this is tray backstage doesn’t mean that two how the radio works on most people? the last mag. falling-down drunks from Ohio can’t A band you’ve never heard of before, bash their instruments and howl their you instantly like because they simul- guts out. It’s the blues, the cockroach taneously remind you of ten bands you Underground Medicine Mailorder, Conneticut blues, the hell blues, the goddamn already like (this time, reshaped and blood red blues that can’t be faked. It’s tossed and bruised, holding a delicious (Missile X) music for music’s sake, not to show off burrito), and you want to buy every 1. Spits, Spend the Night in a Haunted House fancy sleeve tattoos. It’s everything fucking thing by them as soon as pos- 2. Kajun SS, $40 Quartet (Die Slaughterhaus/Shattered) that’s great about America condensed sible. It’s scary how much I liked this (Shit Sandwich) 3. Final Solutions, Eye Don’t Like You like soup into an hour of Bassholes sin- when the needle first touched down (Douchemaster) 4. Carbonas, Frothing at the Mouth gles and outtakes. Familiarize yourself and I’m happy to say that the satisfac- (self-released) with it. –Josh (Secret Keeper) tion hasn’t waned in the twenty plays 5. Neins, Skinny Black Jeans since. Take the infectious train-hop- 6. Feelers/Blank Its, split (Contaminated) BASSHOLES: Self-titled: CD ping, ashtray pop punk of Rivethead, 7. Bags, Survive (Artifix) The scene: the world’s busiest freeway. the good-smelling fungus and fumes of 8. Tyrades, On Your Video (Smart Guy) The time: 4 PM. Me: thinking about Toys That Kill, the curly pubes left on , I’m Walking (Nasty Products) class war as another BMW cuts me off. the soap by Dick Army, and the indie 9. Kung Fu Escalator (Nerve Wracking) Enter the Bassholes. No artifice. No rock by way of falling down while 10. Suspicions, We’re All Wrong hipster nuthuggers swaggering for a attempting stupid tricks on your bike future shampoo commercial. No dilet- sound of the Carrie Nations and that tante “oh yeah!” gospel soft serve. Just starts getting at what Bent Outta Shape religious music without the religion. do. Charming as all hell. Comes with a Sean Carswell, Folk music with the hippie overtones zine. –Todd (Drunk Tank, ($8.50 ppd.) slacker who didn’t do his reviews. replaced by daggers. Music just made 1. The Drips, Mexico, (Hostage) by folks. That salve at the time when BILL BONDSMEN, THE: 2. Chinese Telephones you need some salvation the most. As The Swingin’ Sounds of…: 7” , self-titled, (Dingus) 3. This Is My Fist alive and real and sturdy as an oak tree. After a demo that showed considerable , I Don’t Want to Startle You...(Left Off the Dial) Smokey as bad memories burning up, promise (even if it needed mixing 4. Riverboat Gamblers/Electric Eel Shock , split, (Gearhead) still stinging your eyes. Modern blues, something awful) comes one fucker of 5. Minority Blues Band/J Church, split, (Snuffy Smile) and not in a Blues Hammer type of a hardcore record steeped in its influ- 6. Career Suicide way, but of musicians pushing back all ences yet refraining from rehashing the , Signals EP, (Slasher) the bad shit, reaching over your shoul- same ol’ shit. Things are not too fast, 7. Zero Fast/Shotwell, split, (Snuffy Smile) der, and flipping a happy switch. While not too slow, and there’s enough of a 8. Fucked Up, Generation I doubt the Bassholes will ever be tele- sense of humor to keep things from (Slasher) 9. Three Minute Movie/Annalise vised worldwide, I know this: this is becoming a preach-fest. Subjects , split, (Snuffy Smile) the type of music that’ll protect you. include stupid Nazi skins (“stupid tat- 10. The world’s busiest freeway just gave toos on your forehead and neck/poor One Reason, Defiance, Ohio (Anti-Creative) me the time to sit and listen and realize pathetic slob/shoulda got ‘this space this: what a great fuckin’ record. –Todd for rent’/have fun hunting for a job”), (Dead Canary) tooth decay, telemarketing, and “the Dark Crystal.” Add some punny song Disgruntled Mailorder, California BELLRAYS, THE: The Red, titles (including “Garthim Attack,” a White, and Black: CD sly reference to a Mob 47 tune) and 1. Dirtbombs Y’know, I could go on and on like so you’ve got some entertaining listening. , Merit (Kapow) many other fans and critics about how –Jimmy Alvarado 2. Leeches, Integration (Kapow) crucial the Bellrays are; how they bend (Fourteegee Profuctions) 3. Earaches, Freedumb Fries (Steel Cage) the definition of “punk” in the most 4. Real Losers, Go Nutzoid (Wrench) glorious of ways; how they manage to BILL BONDSMEN: 5. Fang, Pissed Off conjure all the best of Big Brother and The Swinging Sounds of…: 7” (Malt Soda/ Delta Pop) the Holding Company, MC5, and Tina When ugly is beautiful and fat means 6. Geisha Girls, Buckingham (Backflip) 7. Detroit Cobras Turner; how they take punk, soul, and more time to live after the Apocalypse. , Cha Cha Twist (Rough Trade) garage rock’s most crucial elements Dashes of N.O.T.A., Die Kreuzen, and 8. The Rebel, Exciting New Venue for Soccer and Execution and boil them down into a—dare I say The Offenders, in my humble opinion, (SDZ) it—holy mélange of “good goddamn, are always going to put some sharp, 9. Golden Boys this rocks so friggin’ hard”-ness, with a interesting corners on any hardcore , Got No Home (Perpetrator) side of whoop-ass to give it spice. I band (I’m using hardcore in the origi- could further describe them as the per- nal early ‘80s sense, not the ‘90s Mr. 10. Night Terrors, Feel Me (Perpetrator) fect blend of the sacred and profane— Universe with bad attitudes, metal a voice surely blessed by the gods masturbation-as-a-crew sense). When said no-bullshit band doesn’t take average, but nothing to grab you by. were to take the Hard Rock of the “rocked out” to his. Okay, fair themselves seriously, name drops The The Blitzkrieg tracks were far better day, forcibly remove all its virtuosity, enough. “I just want to give that feel- Dark Crystal (“the greatest documen- produced and have energy. I’m not pomposity and pretty-boy-osity and ing a-rock-n-roll gave to me,” as tary of political struggle ever”), body sure where these tracks were com- replace said distastefully effete quan- Billy Idol once said (cutting himself checks The Wall, and has one of the piled from, but it is a welcome oppor- ta with vileness, aggression, and in for the bonus plan afterwards). best “I shoulda been brushing my tunity to hear bands that I didn’t real- “attitude,” the result would be, like, Virtually everything i have ever heard teeth” songs I’ve ever heard, well, ly pay attention to when they were punk rock, and we would be good to by a punk rock guy playing an then you’re on to something. It’s like active. –Donofthedead go, forever and ever, Amen. It’s not acoustic guitar has been utter dogshit, finding a piece of pre-chewed candy (Street Anthem) really my place to pass judgment granted, but at least i don’t have to on the street, yet it still has its own either way on what people in bands in stand and watch the guy play—i can flavor, even with all the pebbles, BOB BURNS the ‘70s thought was “punk” or not, pop the CD in the deck of my rigg™ strands of hair, and slivers of old AND THE BREAKUPS: but i will state that the notion of Punk and listen to it while i’m driving. That glass. Tastes better than it first looks. C-Store, Baby!: 7” Rock as Hard Rock’s sleazy under- way, when my ass feels sore and stiff –Todd (Fourteegee Profuctions) Man, Milwaukee has got some awe- ground cousin has never been one like i’ve been driving, i won’t know some shit going on right now. I dunno i’ve been overly keen to embrace. the difference. The first song is an BLACKLIST BRIGADE: for sure if these guys are from There are some decent moments here instrumental, “Resin Party”—pre- Slit-Nose Hymns: CD Milwaukee, but it’s on Dingus so I’m (most notably the deliciously crude sumably Chuck’s attempt at birthing If I didn’t know any better, I’d think guessing they are. Six songs of dri- “Polaride Pictures” and the faux-live the acoustic equivalent of this was Stranglehold. Old-school ving, hyperactive punk that occasion- material [including a serviceable run- “Heatseeker.” I am more amused than street punk with all the background ally drifts into garageland. I get the through of “No Fun” and, best of all, put off: Whenever i see some dude whoa-oh’s. Shane McGowan inspired feeling they’re better live, but this canned applause!]), but, all in all, this playing songs on an acoustic guitar, many a working class drunk punk as record still seems to be a pretty good band sounds a little too much like an they always do this one thing—whuh, well. One acoustic tune has an accor- document for this band. I just wish outfit who would’ve shared the bill whuh, whuh, chicka-wicka-wacka dion, I think. There are a few random they’da put more info in the record. with the Sleaze Sisters in that Times wuh-wuh—for what seems like an piano interludes with sea waves –Ben Snakepit (Dingus) Square movie for my Stripes, Chucks eternity—and here Mr. Latenite has crashing in the background as well. ‘n’ Spikes tastes. I wonder if they gone and based his entire opening Argh! And a Jolly Rodgers to ya! I BOMBSHELL ROCKS: Love ever played any shows with that band salvo on—you guessed it—whuh, could see TKO Records putting this for the Microphone: CDEP called Blitzkrieg Bop? BEST SONG: whuh, whuh, chicka-wicka-wacka out. –Buttertooth (Self-released) An acoustic song is no way to start “Polaride Pictures” BEST SONG wuh-wuh. Well, fine. Guy plays good, off what otherwise is a pretty damn TITLE: “Polaride Pictures” FAN- anyway. I drive along as the album BLACKLIST BRIGADE: good little CD. Bombshell Rocks TASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: continues. It soon becomes clear that Slit-Nose Hymns: CD have been around since about ‘96 and “Baker’s Dozen” is not track thirteen. Chuck is a purist, who appears to One of my fantasies is that Joe have consistently put out quality –Rev. Nørb (Dionysus) believe in a grand total of Four Strummer didn’t really die, he just records. They never disappoint. It’s Things: 1. Getting drunk; 2. Getting pulled the ultimate “I don’t want to just if you are going to put out only CHI-PIG: Miami: CD high; 3. Lust; 4. Rock & Roll. That’s be famous” trick, took a U-turn, and six songs, why waste one track by I’m sitting here shaking my head and it. Fuck Twinkies™, fuck Jeeps™, went back to being in a tiny English making it acoustic, let alone starting wondering who told this band they fuck oyster crackers, he’s got his four garage band. The Blacklist Brigade the CD off with it? Skip track one and should record this shit. Sing-song, components of life and everything fulfill that fantasy. ‘77-inspired punk you have an EP to listen to over and cheesy pop with a Primus-like bass else is unworthy of comment rarely sounds this plainly inspired in over again. –Toby (Combat Rock) line, although apparently this was (although he does take a bit of a 2005, but these guys have been turn- released in the late ‘70s, so I guess detour into 5. Math, but i view this ing what is usually a bunt situation BRISTLE: you could say about Primus, diversion as merely a tool used to fur- into a series of home runs. They’re 30 Blasts from the Past: CD “…annoying Chi-Pig bass lines.” As ther facilitate #3). A number of songs not afraid to slide around in the mud This is the whole discography of a if you needed more reason to stay pass. It begins to strike me that not of a long, piano-damaged ballad then Seattle based street/gutter punk band. away, they have a song called only is Chuck’s acoustic guitar play- kick the next song like they’re play- I’ve heard worse gutter bands. I’m “Stinking Skin Sac (Involuntary ing not uninteresting, his voice is ing soccer with skulls in a graveyard. sure some crusty, train-hopping patch Body Functions).” Art rock… really cool as well. He’s got it reverb- It’s all perfectly lo-fi, yet clear in punks would appreciate some of this. {{shiver}} –Kat Jetson (Chi-Pig) drenched and mixed down under the message as burning a flag on an At best, it’s just fucking rehashed guitars, so he sounds like some street- embassy’s steps. Since the banner shit, though. I prefer the Germs or CHUCK LATENITE: smart but otherwise mildly retarded holders of this genre seem to be Quincy Punx. Every guitar solo Clean Cut Disguise: CD Elvis/Gene/Lux type, darkly perco- working on clothing lines and listen- sounds the same and the lyrics are There are few things i approach more lating away while never hiccupping ing to their personal trainers now, kind of steakheaded. They do have a cheerlessly than the concept of anything much more potentially here’s your chance to hear a band song about Lake Union Pub in putting up with a guy playing his charismatic than “I get drunk to rock that’s busy doing some serious recla- Seattle. I’ve been there once, that bar acoustic guitar in public or on record. ‘n’roll / I smoke pipe to rock ‘n’roll.” mation of rebellion. –Todd sucks, too. –Buttertooth In the thankfully limited number of Amazingly, no matter how venereal (No Front Teeth) (Rodent Popsicle) circumstances where i have been the subject matter gets—doggy- required to stand before some i-will- styling “white girls without tattoos,” BLITZKRIEG/PARADOX BUTCHERS’ ORCHESTRA, now-stand-here-and-play-my- et al—things never come off with an UK: Split: CD THE: Stop Talking acoustic-guitar-and-sing-and-you- obnoxious swagger, because the guy Blitzkrieg were one of the second about Music: CD will-now-listen-to-me-doing-it types, is NOT singing about drinking and wave Brit punk bands that had put out Voodoo Rhythm stuff often falls in i always feel like i age about another fucking and rocking and getting high releases in the early ‘80s. Paradox either the “hit” or “miss” bins for me, fifteen years in the first two minutes: in order to yell “HEY! LOOK AT UK were the band that formed after but every once in a while something My feet immediately feel like they ME! I’M DRINKING AND FUCK- the ashes and continued on in the manages to straddle the fence used to after eight hours of janitorial ING AND ROCKING AND GET- ‘90s. Blitzkrieg started, as many of between the two. Such is the case duties in work boots; my vertebrae TING HIGH!”, but is, in fact, offer- the bands of the time, playing more a here. This is pretty standard garage start aching; my jacket gets twenty ing a humble and heartfelt hosanna of traditional oi sound and gradually rock fodder, aided in delivery by Tim pounds heavier. If i sit down, the praise to HIS GODS AND MAS- changed their sound with the influ- Kerr’s production skills. It ain’t bad, chair becomes uncomfortable. If i TERS. It is fucking completely pure. ence of Discharge, which made their but nothing about it really stands out, buy a drink, the drink becomes COMPLETELY. But, then again, music faster and more aggressive in either. Plop it on the stereo and it’ll uncomfortable. My ass feels like i’ve y’know, it IS still one guy beating on the same manner as the Varukers. work fine as background music. just driven from New Jersey to an acoustic guitar, and, as indicated, i Paradox UK is a band that I saw their –Jimmy Alvarado (Voodoo Rhythm) Indiana without a piss break. I am, in don’t have much faith in the medium. releases around but never had the so many words, “not really a fan.” But then—stunningly, as these things urge to pick anything up. The tracks CHAINSAW: Along comes Chuck Latenite. He tend to be—there is the Unforeseen featured here have the remnants of We Are Not Very Nice: CD sends me his “acoustic punk rock” Moment of Divine Greatness: “I the crossover period that has tinges of Yeah, well, you’re not very good album because—he claims—he has Want You To Be My Girl.” Lyrics in a Motörhead sound. These tracks are either, so i guess it’s a horse apiece. “rocked out” to records i have made toto: “I want you to be my girl, yeah the weaker of the two bands due to One school of thought in the gnarled (that’s possible?), and it would please I want you to be my girl, I want you the thin guitar sound. It comes out as tapestry of ‘70s punk was that if one him to know that i at least briefly to be my girl tonight.” One voice singing, one guitar beating out a trip- and dissonance and weird chords. It’s hammer neo-Leg Hounds rhythm, one like watching a goddamn Rain Man guitar playing wild-ass acoustic leads recite the first three hundred prime off said rhythm. Rinse, lather, repeat. numbers: there’s order there, but Fucking PERFECT (to all those damned if you or I would ever see it. whom i routinely denigrate for writing One loopy nugget of fuggetty fugget. shit-simple but imperfect songs: –Cuss Baxter (Collective) Please take note of how, in a song that uses NINE WORDS total, the artist is COULIER: actually able to convey a relatively Cool, Cooler, Coulier: CD broad [sorta] range of feeling by sub- Three piece instrumentalists which tly placing the word “want” on the consists of two guitarists and a drum- stressed first syllable of the first two mer. A mixture of early Butthole lines, but locating the word “I” on that Surfers meets Rollins Band kind of same syllable in the last line. That’s metal or grindcore twistedness. You why HE’S Chuck Latenite, and you’re have to have a taste for the abstract to just squares with electric guitars who like this one. –Donofthedead couldn’t even hold serve for rock ‘n’ (Stickfigure) roll against the guys with the back- wards baseball caps and turntables!). COUP, THE: Party Music: CD Chuck Latenite, if you are not THE The best hip hop gives me the same SHIT, then you are, at minimum, the rush that hearing Black Flag for the well-masticated contents of the small first time did—that giddy feeling that intestine which, given enough time this might be the first time anything and the kindly intercession of the right has ever sounded this cool, the uncon- manner of bacteria, are slated to one trollable urge to tear a hole in the sta- day become The Shit. I am currently tus quo. Every album I’ve heard from rethinking my stance on the acoustic the Coup thus far has elicited that guitar as a worthwhile implement of response. They deal in a species of rocking, as well as pondering the gen- rhyme that is an amalgamation of eral outmodedness of musics requir- grooves deep from the Zapp vaults of ing cumbersome amplification funk, Public Enemy’s fearless politi- devices and such. I can say no more at cal savvy, and punk’s incendiary present. BEST SONG: duh, pay atten- assault on the power structure. Like tion, asshole. BEST SONG TITLE: I Chuck D, rapper Boots walks the dunno, but the best line is “A hundred walk, never back-pedaling and always squared is what? Probly like ten thou- willing to say what he means. To wit, sand? I’m so blues that I live in public when this album was originally housing!” from “Low Number Blues” released in September 2001, the origi- FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA nal cover, featuring Boots and DJ Pam FACT: This dude must really love The the Funkstress with the twin towers of Rock ‘n’ Roll if he actually figured out the World Trade Center exploding system works for you to kick it in Care” and “Oblivious and Numb” the words to “Right Now” by behind them (ostensibly through the Paris/or roll through Hong Kong in a from the Under Water full-length are Teengenerate! –Rev. Nørb force of their music), it was obviously Rickshaw carriage/so when you spend also fantastic. Scott Wingo’s guitar (Braindead) one of those really unfortunate coinci- a dollar that’s ten seconds of my offers many different shades and tex- dences when reality decides to imitate time/and when you spend a tures on each track while Jay Mogila’s COACHWHIPS: art. Nonetheless, the album cover billion/that’s my life and that’s a mysterious vocals portray intriguing Peanut Butter and Jelly vaulted the group into the media spot- crime/cuz for me life is hard like the puzzles that can’t easily be deci- Live at the Ginger Minge: CD light, and for the next few months track I’m reppin’ on/callin’ for the phered. The songs are held together by The Scared of Chaka van, sans muf- Boots was forced to defend both the freedom of the backs that you steppin’ the inventive bass riffs of Mitch fler, pre-Shins, yet full of cocaine and album and his position that, given the on”), battling the police, and being Parker (ex-Government Issue) and quasi-legal fireworks, leaves long history of US atrocities meted down with the underdog. Musically, Dan Joseph rumbles away on the big Albuquerque at 3:00 PM, MST travel- out on other countries in the name of this bounces hard with the best of ‘em, kit. If you liked bands like Dumptruck ling at an estimated 73 MPH, West on foreign policy, he was not surprised in as the Coup make music of substance or Love Tractor, Crippled Pilgrims I-40. The Sonics van, circa when they the least that someone had decided that is simultaneously angry and fun, should blow you away with these were all alive, leaves the Northwest, that a little payback was in order, a an approach that leans more towards undiscovered gems. –Sean Koepenick and travels South on I-5 at 55 MPH. sentiment that strikes at the core of the prankster agitators like Abbie (Parasol) At what point do they crash into one nation’s cognitive dissonance with Hoffman and Crass than dour rebels another, because neither van has good regards to the effect of what is done in who have forgotten that insurrection DAREDIABLO: brakes? Never, but the Coachwhips its name. Eventually the cover was can be cause for celebration. Even if Twenty Paces: CD give their best musical interpretation changed to a less provocative cover you haven’t a passing interest in hip Prog rock is not normally my cup o’ of the event, down to the keyboards featuring a hand holding a martini hop, consider this mandatory for the tea, but this record works for me at an flying out the window and getting run glass filled with gasoline (a Molotov collection, ‘cause rebel jams this fear- instinctive level, even if it does get a over by a passing semi. And some cocktail, get it?), but the songs, savage less are hard to come by. –Jimmy bit repetitive. The combo is made up underrated blues musician who never attacks on the system, remained intact. Alvarado (Epitaph) of drums, keyboard, and guitar, and got his due and is known by neither Lyrically, this isn’t more fodder to fur- they can do a helluva lot with that set you or I is killed in the wreckage (you ther fuel the “Black man is violent and CRIPPLED PILGRIMS: up. There are no vocals, so instead it’s can hear his guitar get smashed over oversexed/Black woman is a whore” Down Here: Collected up to the music to evoke feelings, and over again). It’s a mess that some- stereotypes that permeate mainstream, Recordings (1983-1985): CD emotions, and gut reactions, making how works like a beautiful accident. corporate hip hop, but rather yet The smart folks at Reaction interpretation and appreciation that (Recorded by former FM Knives bad- another clarion call to the powers that Recordings have given us a great gift much more murky and personal for snacks, Chris Woodhouse.) –Todd be that the many at the bottom are get- by putting this DC outfit’s music on the listener. Robert Frost once said (Narnack) ting plenty tired of being pissed on by CD for the first time. This features that a poem changes with every read- the arrogant, wealthy few on top and both their Fountain of Youth records er of it, and I suspect that the same CONFORMISTS, THE: that the time is at hand when the on one disc. Quirky polished pop with would be true of this record, but once Two Hundred: CD chickens will, indeed, come home to winding guitar solos that seem to jet I knew what the record said to me, I Decidedly not conformists, the roost. Herein the listener will find sub- off into the stratosphere. Stand-out lost interest quickly. –The Lord Conformists come on like the Shaggs jects covering “5 Million Ways to Kill tracks on the Head Down Hand Out Kveldulfr (Southern) confusing their Unsane and Don a CEO,” turning the system upside EP include “People Going Nowhere” Caballero covers, all wacked rhythms down, battling the rich (“This whole and “Dissolving.” “Pretend Not to 83 DARREN “DEICIDE” them multi-part harmonies as well. A DEVIL IS ELECTRIC, THE: me wrong; these are serious subjects, KRAMER: Rockin Til tough dance it is these days to do this I’ve Never Trusted to be sure, but I don’t necessarily want the Apocalypse: CD stuff effectively, but they manage to a Revolutionary That a hot coffee colonic each time I drop One man blues with whine where do so quite well. A glance at the song- Was Afraid to Dance and a the needle down on a record. Bands there should be grit. I did learn almost writing credits indicates these guys (or Bunch of Other Stuff: CD like the Dead Kennedys and MDC all possible rhymes (or close rhymes) at least their guitarist/vocalist J.R. As the album title mentions, this is a proved long ago that it’s possible for a for dumb: one, begun, everyone, over- Jones) have been slogging it out for at re-release of TDIE’s very cool CD chippy punk band to tackle serious come, cranium, become, succumb, least twenty years, and it shows. Good that came out a few years ago, along social issues without all that damn pendulum, drum, tedium, hum, scum, stuff. –Jimmy Alvarado with a bunch of 7” and comp tracks gravity. I was hoping that, with a done, slums, kingdom, ones. Dude, (Lightning Bug) that you might otherwise never get a name like “Dog Assassin” that this every line doesn’t have to rhyme. chance to hear and a few songs from would be a lot funnier. Sorry, I guess –Megan (Ever Reviled) DEMON’S CLAWS: pre- and post-TDIE bands. These folk- I’m just not feeling all that serious this Self-titled: CD punks always makes me feel like I can month. –Aphid Peewit (Spacement) DEAD MEADOW: From Montreal comes flying an irre- change the world, one humble step at Feathers: CD sistible bone for the mushmouth-and- a time, and remind me that there real- DRAGOS, LOS: Drug rock of the 100 percent bummer rootsfuzz camp of the Billy ly are some genuinely down-to-earth Self-titled: CD variety: limp vocals echo over tepid Childish/Dan Melchior axis (though a people out there who want to make a I’m a sucker for trashy, reverb- rivers of wah and flange with very few little more country than Childish and difference. There are few DIY labels drenched garage rock. Growing up on and far between actual pieces of rock less Zeppelin than Melchior), with a that like to cram as much music as Mudhoney and finding bands like the poking through. Ideally, you’d have good bit of Soledad Brothers and possible on to one CD (not to mention Mummies, the Black Lips, the Sonics, quite a number of rocks sticking up, to Bassholes chucked in for North for it to be as inexpensive as possible), New Bomb Turks, and a slew of oth- improve the recreational quality of American flavor. Best thirty-nine min- and Plan-it-X is one of ‘em, so you’re ers only reinforces the scummy pride those bodies of water. –Cuss Baxter utes yet this year. –Cuss Baxter sure to get a bang for your buck (this this shit exudes. Wanky guitar solos (Matador) (Dead Canary) CD only costs $5 ppd!). Twenty-five are ruling on this fifteen-song sludge tracks here, though there are actually fest. Good to drink or drop acid to. DENTS, THE: These Italians probably admire the DEADONES U.S.A.: way more songs than that, as the last th There Is No Vacation: CD Time for Biting: CD two tracks are entire EPs (one being 13 Floor Elevators and Mark Arm. Although not deplorable, the Female-fronted pop punk is a touchy the Disarm 7”—the band who had Makes you feel raunchy. I dig it! Deadones U.S.A. rely on the Bar Rock subject for a lot of people. How do originally been Operation: Cliff –Buttertooth (Nicotine) 101 handbook a bit too heavily for my you get around that one of the most Clavin and later morphed into TDIE). tastes, from the standardized riffs, the obvious parts of their music is a Sadly enough, TDIE disarmed (get DRUNKEN BOAT/ too-often-repeated choruses, to the female voice? It smacks of being a it?!) in 2003, but Chris and Hannah BENT OUTTA SHAPE: flat lyrics, to the “didn’t I hear this ghetto until bands like the Dents, the are still playing together as Ghost Split: 7” song already?” reaches to the CD Soviettes, and Beautys come along Mice. Not the best sound quality, but Drunken Boat: wide-eyed DIY punk player. There are ways to get around and smash that shit to bits. The voices lots of good songs about how great in the vein of Allergic to Bullshit and it—ways that the Loud Pipes, The are just the starting point, not the fin- and how horrible we humans are. This Is My Fist, where the lady vocal- Candy Snatchers, and the B-Movie ish line. I posit this: The Dents have –Heela (Plan-it-X) ist rasps like she’s got carpet burns on Rats busted open—but this album recorded the album that the Eyeliners her larynx and sounds like all the sounds pretty much like the hundreds have been shooting for for the better DEXATEENS, THE: instruments were bought at the same of bands I sit through, wishing beer part of a decade. This album’s filled Red Dust Rising: CD garage sale. Nothing wrong with that. prices weren’t so high, waiting for the with super-catchy songs that don’t all I can’t believe i got assigned an Eagles That said, they’re a little standard, but band I came to see to take the stage. blend into one another. It’s sexy with- album to review and it’s not even the their enthusiasm’s infectious. Bent –Todd (No Front Teeth) out relying on being cutesy, rockin’ one with “Life In The Fast Lane” on Outta Shape: Feels like the tip of a without being bitchy or man-hating. it. What a rip. BEST SONG: Duh, deep iceburg, like listening to just DEL CIELO: Everything—from the recording, to “Life In The Fast Lane.” I guess i also three early Replacements songs off of Us Vs. Them: CD the delivery, to the song structures—is liked that song about having to eat Stink. You absolutely know that Sleater-Kinney wannabees trying des- clear, raucous, sonorous, and exciting. your lunch all by yourself a little bit, there’s some deep, fun, drunk shit perately to capture the sweet angst of It’s one of those records where my too. BEST SONG TITLE: “Red Dust going on and this is just a great start. the Corin/Carrie vocal play. And favorite song has changed four times Rising,” because it might be some sort Includes an acoustic ditty that’s neck unlike the important relevance of S-K, until I came to the conclusion of, of veiled reference to Kryptonite and neck with the material on The Tim this just sounds average and dated. “Why split hairs?” This record’s an vapors. FANTASTIC AMAZING Version’s country 10”. Man, oh man. –Kat Jetson (Lovitt) amazing debut. –Todd TRIVIA FACT: “Dexateens” can be –Todd (Drunk Tank) (Abbey Lounge) made into many interesting anagrams, DEL PSYCHOS: such as “Sex Ed Ante,” “See Ax EMOK: Shove Your The Fajita Monologues: CD DETONATIONS: Dent,” and “Texas Eden” –Rev. Nørb Head into the Ground First thing that came to mind was this Spy You in a Magazine: 7” (Estrus) and Feed It to the Earth: CD band sounds like the Monkees. The I like a lot of stuff that Big Neck puts I’m not sure what I think about this melodies are the key and they give me out, so I was kind of disappointed by DIE ROTZZ: one, but I think that’s good. It seems the same feeling I had when I first this record. The music is fine; they Tugboat 45: 7” like it’s bridging a no-longer-distant heard the Redd Kross record Third seem to be pretty talented and they Decent enough thud-punk here. gap between between arty-leaning Eye. Bubblegum pop with multi-lay- come up with catchy hooks, but the Doesn’t set the barn a-burnin’ or any- hardcore and a Korn-wannabe band, ered harmonies and a production that songs go on long enough to turn the thing, but it’ll do the trick in a pinch. so upon first listen I immediately is super clean. Perfect soundtrack to a catchy hooks into annoying reminders –Jimmy Alvarado reached for my can of anti-art pesti- ‘70s romantic comedy for television. that the song is still going on. And I’m (Die Slaughterhaus) cide spray and a cudgel. But I think –Donofthedead (Lightning Bug) not too psyched about the guy’s voice, the blurring of lines is a good and either. If you want to sing like a robot, DOG ASSASSIN: healthy thing and should be encour- DEL PSYCHOS: sing like a robot. Robots don’t try to Self-titled: 7” aged. Categorization is something that The Fajita Monologues: CD hit different notes with every word. Uppity activist rock that comes in a should be pounded into the dirt like a While it would be easy (and unfair) to The B-side is a Chrome cover. I don’t nice hand-sewn cloth cover that I’ll be bag full of wriggling maggots. Plus, dismiss these guys as a pop band with know the original but it sounds like able to use as a hot pad whenever I there’s actually something on this disc more than their share of ‘60s influ- the A Frames but with the same guy make my White Castle and Hot Dog that sounds musical to my ears and ence, one can hear a cornucopia of dif- who sang the A-side. Buy a Sweet casserole. Ah, just kidding. I’m sure that’s rare for self-aware crossbreeds ferent bands and sounds in there, from JAP, Lost Sounds, Baseball Furies, these dumpster diving vegan kids are of this sort. A bit studied for my thick- the early work of the Who and the Tyrades, or Trailer Park Tornadoes well meaning as all get up, but some- skulled tastes, but all in all not bad. I Byrds to later power pop darlings like record from this label instead. –Josh times this ossified über-earnestness hope this doesn’t mean I’m getting the Quick, as well as a twinge of ‘80s (Big Neck) makes me want to shove a flute up my soft. – Aphid Peewit (Wrong) paisley underground, and maybe even ass and fart out a Clay Aiken tune a little bit of the Dickies thrown into while I walk on my hands. Don’t get 85 ENEMY YOU: second listen. Perhaps it’s the warmth remembered every note of this exper- nowhere, a stellar debut that doesn’t Stories Never Told: CD of the songs. Perhaps there are more imental, tribal number. As songs sound like Interpol. Hooray! –Sean I had been waiting for this album times in my life now where I’m look- played, I remembered words and Koepenick (Art of the Underground) since I caught wind that they had ing for a little less chaos and a little phrases of the songs throughout. I’m recorded it in 2002. Yet years and more steeping time. Perhaps it’s the appreciative that this came my way. It FEELERS, THE/ years passed and Panic Button never chemistry of having not being steered brings back memories of time long BLANK ITS, THE: released it, as was the original plan. wrong under Ian’s musical auspices. past that will always be cherished. Split: 7” As rumors have it, Lookout (who Perhaps I’m a little more accepting of This is also a reminder that the Rad split featuring two bands that runs Panic Button) had made some the idea that rage, although informa- Exploited put out good records in the have generated quite a bit of a buzz in shady deal or another involving an tive, can be less powerful than a past, compared to their latest output a very short amount of time. The Enemy You song being licensed to whisper at the right time. It’s a quiet, titled Fuck the System. That was a Feelers have me kicking myself for Disney for promotion on their Boy in steady, giving album that would be joke. –Donofthedead (S.O.S.) not picking up their earlier 7”. Fast, the Bubble movie, and the band not hard pressed to be further way from hard-hitting, guitar-driven punk that only did not see any of that money, the blast of the Teen Idles and Minor FAILURES UNION, THE: sounds like a lost early-’80s Midwest but that same money was never put Threat… yet I’m grateful and happy You Know Who: CD hardcore band. More evidence that into releasing their album, as one that both exist. –Todd (Dischord) Let me be straight with all of you. Ohio is an often-overlooked hotbed would assume it would. I don’t know When I saw a CD from a three-piece of rock and roll. Folks who dig the the whole story, and like I said, it’s all EXPLOITED, THE: from Buffalo, I was praying to God first Baseball Furies album will find rumors and hearsay, but in the end the Horror Epics: CD there was no Supertramp cover on it. much to like here. Vocally, the Blank band decided to take matters into Oh, to be getting so old. The reissues Luckily my prayers were answered. Its remind me of the guy from their own hands and brought the keep coming out of the woodwork. This trio’s debut was a wide smile Servotron singing underwater. album to see the light of day via a My crusty friend Jim, who used to surprise. Tight arrangements, nice Musically, they play really twisted lo- brand new label, Redscare Records. sing for the band Blown to Bits, harmonies and lyrics that may make fi stuff that’s not exactly easy to cate- And I couldn’t be happier. There is loved this band. When he lived with you pause for a few moments of gorize but would fit in between your not one song on here I would fast for- me and my brother back in the mid- reflection. Remember when songs A Frames and Spits records. ward through and it’s all what I’ve ’80s, all he would play was the from Bob Mould, Evan Dando (at Addictive hooks, too. Pick up a copy come to expect from the band: amaz- Exploited, UK Subs, or Chaos UK. In least before he started hittin’ the quick because these might not be ing personal/political pop punk great- retaliation I would play Fuzzbox, pipe), or even Buffalo Tom made you around too long. –Josh ness. Highly recommended. –Mr. Z Strawberry Switchblade, or Madonna stop and think? This is what You (Contaminated) (Redscare) all the time. Fuzzbox on a hangover Know Who brings to mind. “I Feel the can be quite annoying. I never did Same Songs about Her” sings about FINAL SOLUTIONS: EVENS, THE: Self-titled: CD buy this record since Jim owned it those dark nights we’ve probably all Self-titled: 7” I’m not quite sure how it works, but and played it all too often. I believe it had—”that’s all right/I can see your Call it caveman rock, where Oog get Ian MacKaye is one of the few musi- was released domestically on the breath/’cuz we don’t spring for heat.” stick and bash, or call it Budget Rock, cians I’m willing to follow virtually metal label Combat. I thought I had “You’re the Coyote” chugs along where it’s heart over fidelity. Either anywhere—this time, into a subdued no recollection of what this record with a chorus of “persistence is way, it’s so easy to like. Jay Reatard duet with Amy Farina (the drummer sounded like. That was wrong. It was futile/I’ve learned that from you/the (Lost Sounds, Nervous Patterns, for the Warmers)—and be pleased by ingrained in the back of my brain. As sheep run for shelter when you make Destruction Unit, etc.) leads a first- what I’d wouldn’t traditionally give a soon as the opening chords of the title the room,” before kicking into a rate charge in the spirit of the Urinals track came out of the speakers, I revved-up guitar solo. Out of (think “Ack, Ack, Ack”). Tattered, catchy, and fun to flip over time and miss right off the bat since it was not Shaving off the rot. Rearranging all It’s music that really makes you see time again. Highly recommended. punk. But it caught me by surprise the pieces in your head: work, life, things in a different light, like –Todd (Shit Sandwich) because it touched my inner child. food, sleep, fun. Putting a spark plug Dillinger Four or Pegboy. For all The music had that Queen meets to the gasoline of your most com- their talk about not being able to play FINGERS CUT Supertramp mixed with Electric bustible thoughts. Riot the fuck out of their instruments, they’re putting MEGAMACHINE: Light Orchestra ‘70s vibe going for the next bowl of oatmeal you eat. them to good use carving their name Self-titled: CD it. That takes me back to elementary Riot with kindness. Riot on your bed, into music history. Seriously, every- I’m confused. They say they don’t school. That’s a scary place to go. when you’re about to sleep. Yeah, it’s thing this band has released is fuck- want to be grouped into the pseudo- Now, if I had to wear the clothes from sometimes dumb. Yeah, it’s imper- ing unreal, and I can pretty much folk revival, but are influenced by that period, that would be even fect. But it’s something, even with its guarantee that you’ll like it. –Josh American folk from the ‘60s and the worse. –Donofthedead (Vacant Cage) flaws, to stave off complacency. For (Slasher) ‘70s. Wasn’t that the folk revival? It’s me, Fucked Up have provided a also described as punk. If anything FREEVERSE: soundtrack of songs that make me FUNERAL DRESS: it’s folk rock, but it’s mostly just pret- Generator: CD want to not give in. I bought this 7” Come on Follow: CD ty boring. Note: a purple-tinted pic- This is a three-piece, all-girl band during their last tour. It’s the Baiting The fact that this band has eluded me ture of ducks on the cover is going to from Seattle via Lawrence, Kansas. the Public 7” completely repackaged since the mid-’80s is no surprise. To suck just as much as you would think Musically, I’d say it’s a mix of indie (new song name, new acetate, new see that they have put a large batch of it would. Surprise! –Megan (Thick) rock, heavy rock, and riot grrl stuff. cover, new label that’s glued over a releases from that time to the present Some songs don’t work, but when 45 hole, the whole deal), but it’s the shows that punk is too big for one FLORENCE they stick to the eclectic, quirky same song with a little more guitar person to understand. So I have to go NIGHTINGALES: sound I like ‘em more. Lyrically, they accompanying the horn at the very with what I know. I don’t believe this Self-titled: 7” lean on topics of current American end. And because I think Fucked Up band is from the UK but definitely It’s sort of strange that an all-girl, despair. I can relate. In the ‘90s bands are a great band, I think it’s funny not from the states. They play a young band from Alabama reminds like Smut, Morsel, Dogfaced instead of getting the slightest bit strong brand of Britpunk and oi that me of a death rock band from early Hermans, and Kicking Giant mixed pissed that I just spent some money is well studied and played with com- ‘80s L.A., but they do. The Florence up female vocals and similar genres a on a record I already own. I highly petence. The thing that puts this band Nightingales owe quite a bit to 45 little. If I was rating this record, I’d suggest finding bands that make you ahead of the pack is their craft of Grave, if they’re aware of it or not, say they have a six here. They’re not want to riot, to keep you on your toes. melody that infects the music with from the haunted vocals, the strong your run of the mill formulaic band, –Todd (Test Pattern, no address) the sense of fun. If I still drank at the singing, the spooky subject matter but they’re still not killing it yet. pub, I would swing my pint of lager (sleeping in spider beds and a song Maybe next time. –Buttertooth FUCKED UP: Generation: 7” with a high salute. If I knew the lyrics about a banshee), the sparse, mid- (Rodent Popsicle/Buttermilk) Fucked Up doesn’t even sound like a like the back of my hand, I would be tempo arrangements, and dark, band anymore. They sound like a spitting out while I sang from the bot- straight-ahead, playing-in-a-sarcoph- FUCKED UP: groundswell, some force of nature tom of my gut. –Donofthedead agus recording. Enjoyable. –Todd Dangerous Fumes: 7” that just blindsides you. There are a (S.O.S.) (Arkam) I think it’s healthy thinking—really lot of good bands out there, but this is thinking—about rioting. And I’m not a great band, a band whose music FUNERAL DRESS: FLUID OUNCES: just talking about WTO rioting or creeps into your consciousness when Party Political Bullshit: CD The Whole Shebang: CD Presidential Inauguration rioting. I’m you’re doing whatever crap you do “Safety pins through my nose/smelly Here is a CD that I was ready to dis- talking about day-to-day rioting. until you can’t listen to anything else. combats around my toes....” Dunno when, dunno where, but somehow GIBBONS, THE: people who’ve been hangin’ around I: The Nominonivore: CD garbage like this, which would’ve Hope Inc.: CD the block more than a few years. A very commercial sounding alt-rock elicited open ridicule and probably Fuck Yeah! These guys seem to be –Jimmy Alvarado (Gothic Gospel) album, recorded on Pro Tools. Should more than one serious ass-beating for headed in the same direction that the garner them much attention and the band twenty years ago, has Carrie Nations are, but via the HAVOC, THE: inevitable fame if they know how to become the punk rock norm in certain Leatherface express. Very honest, Road Warrior: CDEP play the game. I (meaning me, not the dank corners. It would be one thing if very endearing tunes from three guys While this record may be a bit con- band), however, will never listen to they were some sort of parody band, in Ferndale, MI. The feel of this trived and even a bit clichéd at times this again, ‘cause intentionally main- like Anarchy 6 or Crucial Youth, but record is oddly kinda summed up by (tunes about hard life, burning stuff stream tripe like this just makes my these guys, along with all the other the letter they included with the CD, down, and self-indulgent angst), what flesh do the boogaloo. –Jimmy parrot punk hordes, appear intent on written to us while “in class” by the this record may lack in originality it Alvarado (Sling Slang) being living stereotypes, all spikes guy that put it out. These kids are real- more than makes up for in spirit. It’s and crazy color with absolutely no ly putting their hearts into this and it kind of like throwing cans of beer at IF MAN IS FIVE: substance whatsoever. I usually don’t shows. I bet they’d be great in a busses and parking meter checkers Blood Is the Ink, get all “back in my day” about things, crowded basement on a summer night. while careening downtown at ninety Hate Is the Story: CD but bands like this make me so glad I –Ben Snakepit (Salinas) miles per hour in a ‘69 Mustang GT— A sonically schizophrenic hodge- grew up when I did ‘cause the last it’s been done before, but it’s still fun podge of metal, punk, faux-goth and thing I would’ve wanted as a kid was GRUDGES, THE: and demands notice. With three studio arty tinges, the result of which, while to be openly associated with people Self-titled: 7” tracks, including a Partisans cover, not particularly enthralling, was well and bands so intent on flaunting such Side A of this extra heavy (as in and three live tracks, it’s a nifty little executed. The singer has a nice voice. vapid stupidity and so hell-bent on weight, not content) record has two package that makes want to wreck I honestly don’t mean to diss them, being the equivalent of a conformist’s songs done at breakneck speeds, rem- stuff with glee. –The Lord Kveldulfr but they sound like so many gloomy Colorforms play set: all plastic and no iniscent of extremely fast Minor (Punk Core) “alternative metal” bands that popu- depth whatsoever. –Jimmy Alvarado Threat or Black Flag songs. Side B lated the Sunset Strip clubs in the (SOS) has slower, more mediocre punk. HOLLOW POINTS: ‘90s. –Jimmy Alvarado According to the insert, the record Annihilation: CDEP (www.blackazul.com) FURY OF A label made 109 pink, 110 blue, 99 Very solid debut by these street punks THOUSAND ZEUSES: lime, 221 heavy black vinyl, along from Seattle. A teaser at only five INSAINTS, THE: Habanero Enema: 7” with 25 alternate sleeves and 14 super songs, but more than enough to get Sins of Saints: CD The cover’s drawn by someone of secret special editions. This 7” isn’t your blood pumping. I now find The only things i really remember third-grade ability depicting Zeus (a bad, but to me it’s not groundbreaking myself waiting impatiently for their about the Insaints from back when bearded man holding a lightning bolt) enough to wow a record label into full-length due out in February on was that they did a record with the giving an enema to another bearded warranting the production of all of Disaster. –Toby (Dirtnap) Diesel Queens (turns out to be the man with really short arms. The music these different versions. Whatever only record they made), the singer was follows suit in an early Meatmen, cov- floats your boat, I guess. –Mr. Z HOLY GHOST, THE: Tim Yohannan’s girlfriend, and some- ered-in-honey, standing-on-an-anthill (Delta Pop Music) Welcome to Ignore Us: CD thing about a stage show involving spazzy way. It’s endearing, much like Rolling Stone says it “evokes a lesbians, urine, and a banana (Stop! how pre-first-album Descendents HARPOON GUNS: Tarantino-esque landscape populated You had me at “urine!”). That said, in sounded, where it’s too fast and abra- Wage War on the Whale by Yakuza and CIA.” I couldn’t agree the cold hard light of 21st Century ret- sive to be considered poppy, but Eaters: Cassette tape demo more if I knew how in the hell that rospection, i am shocked, grossed and they’re just too dorky to be considered If a quartet of sub-20s are to be relates to music. Let’s just say I have a mildly agog that this band was only hardcore. Hopefully, coming to a believed, these fired-up youngsters strong feeling they’ve got fans who represented by that one measly split basement or backyard BBQ near you recorded this five song (3:38 minute) wear ties and have haircuts like Rod double-45 in the product-happy ‘90s: soon. I like. –Todd (Dinkus) demo one month after formation and Stewart had in the ‘70s. –Megan This shit is pretty fuckin’ good. While (I do not shit you here:) it sounds like (Clearly) i can honestly say that i have never GAY FOR JOHNNY DEPP: the Teen Idles (not Idols) doing understood the appeal of pierced nip- Erotically Charged Dance Battalion of Saints (not Pants)! The HOLY MOUNTAIN, THE: ples on any level, and that music Songs for the Desperate: CD sounds sound like shit, but my ears— Bloodstains Across Your which accompanies a noteworthily Nine short blasts of skronk, not unlike if not yours—learned long ago to cope Face in Decline...: CD confrontational stage show is general- yer average Locust record, minus the with punk demo production values. This is one of the dudes from ly either funny once (if that) or abra- cool titles and wicked fast drumbeats. The lyrics are kind of dumb, and I was Combatwoundedveteran, who I sive-and-nothing-else (if that), to say Although I dug the band name and the a little disappointed to find out the always liked but they seemed to kinda that the Insaints sound kinda like one title, I can’t say I was all that song I thought went “Speed disease, pigeonhole themselves. This new imagines the Avengers might have impressed with the music itself. let’s go!” really goes “Speed disease, band is way more diverse. It’s great sounded like were they fronted by a –Jimmy Alvarado (Firefly) it kills!”, but man they got some fierce hardcore that draws from a lot of stuff: dominatrix (but not in a cheesy way— punk going on, and apparently their there’s some d-beat, some thrash, in, like, a FOR REAL way) is not an GIANT DRAG: friend’s label is issuing a ten-song 7”, some gnarly blastbeats and even a lit- untoward stretch of the imagination Lemona: CDEP so I’m all spittled up and ready for tle bit of dark melody to it. Their by any means. A few tracks here and What would love feel like if it hit me? more. And, hey! I like Coke (not coke) cover of Crass’ “Big Hands” is really there might bring glimpses of Like a swift kick to my family jewels? too! –Cuss Baxter good. They do an excellent job of cap- Lunachicksville to mind, but, all told, Perhaps, but I don’t get the answer ([email protected]) turing the feel of what made the origi- this stuff has got WAY more in com- from the first song on this record— nal good, and then take it up a notch to mon with the classical model of ”This Isn’t It.” This Hollywood duo HATED PRINCIPLES: fit well with the rest of the songs on female-fronted West Coast punk sometimes sounds like Johnette from MTA: 7” the record. If you’re into stuff like the bands (Avengers, UXA, VKTMS, Concrete Blonde (cool), but other Been a couple o’ moons since Don’s Sainte Catharines, you’ll dig the Holy DOA—er, never mind that last one) times the overdubbed choruses sound floated some new HP product this Mountain. I wish No Idea would put than i would have ever suspected. like Lush (not so cool). “YFLMD” way, and it’s always a treat when he out more records like this. –Ben Singer Marian Anderson’s fatal OD in has a nice lock-step groove and does. As can be expected, this one’s a Snakepit (No Idea) 2001 seems as wasteful and stupid as “Jonah Ray is AOkay” has trace gasser. Side one’s a couple of potent my sister-in-law’s SUV. Could people effects of Mazzy Star but with louder doses of L.A. hardcore circa ‘83 (a HOTPIPES, THE: please stop doing that? BEST SONG: guitars. The video on the CD features different version of “Cops from Hell” The Deadly Poison: CD “Losers Club” BEST SONG TITLE: the lead singer in bed with random was featured on the second We Got Picture this. A Chris Cornell “Mikey Like It” FANTASTIC dudes getting up, zipping up their Power comp), and side two features (Soundgarden/Audioslave) sounda- AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: Record is pants and then leaving. What does this Katz warblin’ (who knew he could like sings for a college rock band that co-dedicated to Tim Yohannan, whose mean? Oh well. Hard to make a defin- sing???) on a mid-tempo, latter-day- sounds a little like Led Zeppelin. name is misspelled “Yahannon” twice itive judgment from five songs but White-Flagish punker tune, and a Woohoo! Find it now in a used bin herein, which is interesting because 1. there are certainly other CDs I would short thrasher about L.A.’s public near you! –Donofthedead (Vacant In Bob Dylan’s book Chronicles: grab first to use as a drink coaster. transit system. Some good shit here, Cage) Volume One, he misspells the –Sean Koepenick (Wichita) kids, the kind that can only come outta Minneapolis street name “Hennepin” 88 as “Hinnepen”—reversing the posi- JELLO BIAFRA posturing, songs that go nowhere, look for some straight-ahead hard- tion of the first and last vowel just as WITH THE MELVINS: and the worst Smiths cover I’ve every core that doesn’t fit into some sub- was done with “Yahannon;” and 2. Never Breathe What You heard in my life. I’m still in shock pigeonhole with a name a butcher The reason why i am highly sensi- Can’t See: CD that Steve Albini recorded this com- might use in everyday conversation tized to the spelling of Tim’s last As far as I’m concerned, this CD plete train wreck of a release. This and that doesn’t mind consciously name is because i still have the yel- blows all of Jello’s spoken word has nothing to do with the fact that veering toward the dumb on occa- low Post-It™ he sent me stating “If albums, Lard, Jello with DOA, Jello most of the songs are sung in sion, look no further. Me, I still you’re gonna bitch slap me, at least with Mojo Nixon, and the No WTO Italian—KASH is completely bank- fuckin’ dig ‘em. –Jimmy Alvarado spell my name right! It’s YOHAN- Combo OUT OF THE FUCKING rupt of any actual talent. Only pur- (www.kermitsfinger.net) NAN!” –Rev. Nørb (Disaster) WATER. This is the best Jello mater- chase if having your wisdom teeth ial since the Bedtime for Democracy pulled with no drugs is your idea of a KERMIT’S FINGER: Shoot J CHURCH: Seishun LP was released. My goodness, if good time, ‘cos this feels pretty much Yourself in the Foot: CD Zankoku Monogatari: CD “Islamic Bomb” isn’t the song of the the same. –Sean Koepenick This is pretty good. Straight-forward, This is the San Francisco trio’s sec- year, I don’t know what is. The (Sickroom) simple punk rock that at times ond Japan-only release. The title Melvins rock out eight tunes of reminds me of Scared of Chaka, but roughly translates to Cruel Story of punk/metal mayhem like it’s no one’s KERBLOKI: with El Duce or somebody singing. Youth. Half of the songs are covers business and Jello gets right to the Poisonous Plants: CD Honestly, that’s the only part of this and half are originals that veer all point of his annoyances with the Pleasant enough hip hop that flows record I wasn’t really stoked on: the over the map stylistically but some- world. Oh yeah, and it looks like quite nicely but doesn’t appear all vocals. They’re just a little too goofy how hold together. “Who Killed gang vocals include the talents of that deep. –Jimmy Alvarado (Lucid) Meatmen-style for me. The lyrics Pasolini?” laments the loss of the Jesse Luscious, Johnny Fleshies, aren’t bad; I’ve always had a special important Italian writer/poet—”Who Wendy-O-Matik, and John the Baker KERMIT’S FINGER: Shoot place in my heart for bands that sing took Pasolini’s life/a prostitute of the among others. Great artwork, great Yourself in the Foot: CD about smoking cigarettes. It’s not a extremist right?/why has no one music, and great lyrics: what more Been a long while since I heard bad record at all, and I bet these guys cared enough to take his spirit’s could you want from a perfect something from these guys, but it would be fun to hang out with. –Ben fight?” “Near 600 Pages” is another record? –Mr. Z seems they’re still peddlin’ their Snakepit (Poorest Quality) literary discussion that goes beyond (Alternative Tentacles) wares in the guise of hardcore with your basic freshman English class intelligently stupid lyrics. KEVIN K: concerns. The covers range from The KADDISFLY: Buy Our I Sandwiched in between love songs to Mr. Bones: CD Cars to Richard Hell. The Fall’s ntention; We’ll Buy nicotine, praises for Pedro Martinez, If you look like a forty-something “Psycho Mafia” seems to be stuck in You a Unicorn: CD and odes to beer drinkin’ are sly junkie, it might not be the best idea to my skull the most. Cool guitar riffage Christian rock without the distraction attacks on American consumer men- put a picture of yourself on the cover and heartfelt vocals make this one to of a deity, which is surprising due to tality, the current denizens of the of something you’re trying to sell. Or seek out—or even order as a pricey their God-awfulness. –Megan White House, asshole cops, and his- to have a song called “Crackhouse,” import. Makes me want to find out (Hopeless) tory’s perception of George where they actually spell out, “C-R- more about this band that has been Washington. If you’re lookin’ for A-C-K-H-O-U-S-E.” Also, in deserving increased attention for far KASH: Beauty Is high-tech musical noodling and big “Crackhouse,” they refer to a girl too long. –Sean Koepenick Everywhere/KASH: CD tough metal dudes with tattoos and no who always likes to party and always (Snuffy Smile) Pure unadulterated garbage. Fake hair that take themselves way too has a syringe. Now, I’m no cracker- seriously, look elsewhere. If you’re ass crackhead, but I always thought crack was smoked. Please, just stop. Tragedy rip off bands. This will be –Megan (Realkat, no address given) much more tolerable.” Unfortunately, that was just the first song. Within KILL YOUR IDOLS: about four more tracks, the songs got From Companionship less and less aggro and more like a to Competition: CD football player trying to take my lunch I was really anticipating that I was money. By the end of it, I was ready to really going to like this one. I’m not get a note excusing me from gym completely disappointed, but I did class. At least this band picked a fitting put this on a higher pedestal. First name. –Ben Snakepit (Spook City) off, the production was a bit off in my book. The vocals are really dry LORRAINAS, THE: and pulled a hair back in the mix. Fast Kitties: CD The guitars are a bit too clean and Why do women think they have to fit could have used a deeper sound. The themselves into this crap? “She took bass sounds good but is a little too the anger in her heart and took it out on forward in the mix. The drums are her hair;” “Take me home and rip my the only thing that is mixed in the clothes off;” and “You can’t find love right place. I can hear the structure in a peroxide bottle.” Like hi! I totally of the music being powerful but the have no substance! I’m embarrassed mix destroys what could be amaz- for them. –Megan ing. I would have liked maybe a lit- (www.thelorrainas.com) tle more variety in the chord struc- tures too. Maybe they are leaning LOWCLOUDCOVER: …I too heavily on reliving that ‘88 Took a Second Too Long: CD sound played by guys from the ‘90s. Here’s my bet: these folks love, love, The hardcore is competent but at love later Fugazi (or a band influenced times sounds generic. Too much rep- by them) and the Cure. Nothing wrong etition and too much paint-by-num- with that, but I kept on waiting for the bers. The lyrics also rubbed me a lit- zag to zig. It’s like a solitary path tle wrong. It was a bit elitist in through high weeds: no matter how nature, like na na na na na, I’m bet- many twist and turns, the path’s really ter than you. It’s a problem in mod- obvious because it’s already been ern day hardcore which shows that hacked out. The result is, unfortunate- sometimes it can lack originality. ly, a boring record. My other bet: these The macho attitude is what many of are some very earnest folks making us old crabs ran away from when we this music, so there’s no need to cudgel got into punk. The music is just rub- them. Here’s my advice: find the zag, bing me the wrong way like athlete’s something far away. Something that foot with scabs. Music for the may not fit at first, then make it your toughest guy in the mosh pit. own. Zag to Articles of Faith, The Big –Donofthedead (Side One Dummy) Boys, Otis Redding, The Minutemen, Motörhead… something, because at KILLING CALIFORNIA/ the end of the day, I already own a THE NEEDLES: Split: CD much more satisfying version of this Killing California: Dirty rock’n’roll record, and it’s called Red Medicine. like the bars you like to drink in. The –Todd (Breathing Room) Needles: Two notches better and more melodic, but still in the rock MALACHAI: These Sounds vein of things. –Donofthedead of the Spirit World: CD (Major Amerikan Label) One song reminded me of the Presidents of the United States of KNUCKLEHEAD: America. One had a ‘80s Krautrock Cosmetic Youth: 7” sound. Another was more punk meets This slab o’ vinyl is GREAT, Mars Volta sound going. And another GREAT, GREAT! Side A sounds a goes more towards a pop punk ‘77 bit like the Business, minus the oi style. That was the first four songs. and add some more rockin’. Side B This release goes out in many direc- reminds me of something the tions. I could have gone without the 101’ers could have done. Not only is white boy rap. –Donofthedead the music amazing, but the band (4XBeaver) gets an A+ on lyrics. If you love 7”s as much as I do, please, please go MANHANDLERS, THE: pick this up. You will thank me for Self-titled: LP it. I’ve cast my vote for the BEST 7” It’s amazing what mastering will do. I OF 2004, for sure! –Mr. Z wasn’t so up on the CD version of this (Longshot Music) album, thinking it sounded too much the same. The vinyl makes it an almost LET IT DIE: completely different album. It’s nasty, Stick to Your Guns: CD fishnet-ripping, cough syrup and I picked this up and looked at the vodka chugging, porno warehouse as cover and groaned. “Oh this looks practice space good times. Think if the like it’s gonna be some lame jock- Runaways got of age after making a metal hardcore.” But I put it on any- series of poor life decisions, funneled way because I had to, and then I was that rage and confusion into a tight pleasantly surprised by the first ball, and tore right back at it by making song. “Oh cool, it’s not so much music. The result is sexy, angry, gritty, straightedge-type jock metal. It’s and unapologetic: in other words, a more like one of those clean-cut, great punk record. –Todd nice-smelling, watered-down (Criminal I.Q.) MANIKIN: M4: 7” oil factory outside Chicago. I can MIDNIGHT LASERBEAM: little less punky. They have a song I keep on thinking they’re writing me practically smell the grime oozing A Death in the talking shit on Bush, so at least they songs on a postcard from the out- through the speakers on this one. This Discotheque: CD got their head on the right way. –Mr. Z reaches of Siberia. Cold, tattered art CD wraps up with a live song, “I At some point I fell asleep while lis- (Rodent Popsicle) rock, that although infused with an Sacrifice I,” which showcases throb- tening to this but I think I remember it Eastern Bloc solemnity, is engaging bing bass chunks that Pierre Kezdy being sort of a collection of mushy MOMMY AND DADDY: and slightly hypnotic, like watching would be proud of. Pick this one up atmospheric lullabies that sound a bit Fighting Style the wheels of a train when it’s speed- and play it really loud in your base- like the Cure crossed with the Afghan Killer Panda: CD ing up and clanging along. So, not ment. It will hold any loose founda- Whigs crossed with a warm bottle of Dual girl/boy vocals snarling over an cock rock or smash-you-in-the-face tions in place. –Sean Koepenick Enfamil baby formula. It just oozes awesome sounding fuzz bass and rock, but more Pere Ubu and Wire: it’s (World Records) from the speakers like creamy spit-up synth, but desperately trying run away primarily about weight and atmos- from the gaping mouth of a giant baby from the annoying and monotonous phere, but with scraping hooks and MHz: a-snooze and dreaming fitfully of drum machine. –Kat Jetson (Kanine) definite momentum. Could have easi- Increase the Voltage: CD being tangled up in Robert Smith’s ly come out in the late ‘70s England or From what I gather, these are the com- octopus hairdo. While beating this MOREX OPTIMO: Cleveland instead of Austin 2005. plete recordings of this band. Not sure thing to death with a garden weasel Beast of Reflection: CD Satisfying stuff. –Todd (Super Secret) why it took so long to get released or certainly sounds satisfying, it would A wickedly vomitous example of what why they only put out a 7” while they ultimately be something akin to happens when some wretched wean- MATICS, THE: were a band, because this is pretty attacking a big soggy saltine cracker. lings mix art and algebra and try to Self-titled: CDEP damn great. It finds a nice middle Frightfully uninteresting. – Aphid pass it off as music. At its best it First release since 2001’s Ignition ground between the Tyrades and the Peewit (Mattress) sounded a little like Jethro Tull at their shows the band updating their sound Baseball Furies, which is a pretty nice turgid, pretentious worst. Absolute with a new drummer and songs that place to be. There’s also a weird com- MILLION DOLLAR rot. What did I ever do to deserve hav- thrash around like a caged animal puter theme going on, like Servotron, MARXISTS: ing to listen to this? If this is “punk,” being tortured with a stun gun. “343” but not as funny. Where was I when Give It a Name: CD can Razorcake stop being a punk zine? features dueling guitars while they were around? –Josh Another band strip-mines the same Please? – Aphid Peewit (Broken Hill) “Symptoms in Tread” recalls the best (Flying Bomb) “garage rock” territory as the Hives that Fugazi had to offer. My favorite and a million others. Catchy tunes, I’ll NARCOLEPTIC YOUTH: track on this platter is “The Last MIDDLE CLASS MILE: give ‘em that. –Jimmy Alvarado Chronological Disorder: CD Swashbuckler” which sports precision Self-titled: CD (Gearhead) Holy moley, the kids are all right… at batterings from drummer Ronnie Liberal doses of pop and emo are first I swore that this was a re-issue of DiCola that may cause your ears to fused to a punk fuselage. While their MISERY/ some band from the early ‘80s that bleed. That’s certainly my idea of a efforts will no doubt garner them a PATH OF DESTRUCTION: somehow I had never heard of. It’s good time. Pat K. and Jim Mertz trade record deal, they didn’t sound all that Split: CD fast and biting, with a snotty sense of off on both guitars and vocals and different from all the other “new Misery sounds like a punk band trying humor and tunes that, instead of get- their tight interplay provides solid school” bands playing in the same to outdo Swedish metal. Sorry guys, ting old, get better with every listen cohesion to their sound. According to sandbox. –Jimmy Alvarado the Swedes have it down pat. Path of (even if some of the riffs are marked- the liner notes, this was recorded in an (Two Four Dead) Destruction is more of the same only a ly similar to riffs that I have on other records, but when you’re working with only four or five chords, tops, DAmNeD!”, which amused, puzzled, Nuggets/Pebbles type thing as well. infused hardcore punk that is not you’ll wind up covering some old and bewildered him even after he got From a Damned standpoint, this afraid to push the limits of speed and ground: cf. Big Drill Car’s almost out of the Navy™. In retrospect, how record is certainly WAY the fuck bet- anger. No cookie cutter song struc- note-for-note reworking of a Brigade ANYBODY could have listened to ter than their “real” sixth album (i tures. They made me keep my atten- song on Album Type Thing). The this record back then and NOT imme- maintain that every album up through tion. Reminded me of a cross of Avail titles may have made me groan at diately pegged it as the Damned by Strawberries, their fifth, is worth meets Strike Anywhere. The cover of first (“Vicious Killer,” “Don’t the time “Action Woman” rolled owning), and, compared to Acid the Bad Brains’ “FVK” was pretty Belong,” “My Neighbor Hates Me,” around is beyond me, but, nope, most Eaters, the Ramones’ lame attempt at damn fine in my book. Western “McAnarchy,” et al.) and wonder joes were well and truly of the opin- doing the same sort of record years Addiction: They hold their own with what kind of rehashed crap-trap I had ion that Naz Nomad and Sphinx later, Give Daddy the Knife Cindy is their brand of punk that was equal found myself in, but dang it all if they Svenson were real people (who King of the Jelly Jungle times ten. parts Good Riddance mixed with didn’t pull it off. This certainly isn’t weren’t other real people with funny From a standpoint of how essential a some Minor Threat conviction. I the record of the year, but I doff my names most of the time), that this record featuring a ‘77 punk band don’t think I have heard someone cap to Narcoleptic Youth for making really was the soundtrack to a movie (‘76, whatever) doing cover songs cover Naked Raygun’s “Rat Patrol” me feel fifteen again. –The Lord called Give Daddy the Knife Cindy from 1967 in 1984 is in 2005, if you before. A release worthy of keeping. Kveldulfr (Finger) that no one had ever heard of before can cope with a little of that thin, –Donofthedead (No Idea) or since, and that American Screen overcompressed ‘80s sound, and the NAZ NOMAD & Destiny pictures would one day sure- whole bouncing around thing from NONE MORE BLACK: THE NIGHTMARES: Give ly grace us with this sure-fire box the ‘70s to the ‘80s to the ‘60s to the Loud about Loathing: CDEP Daddy the Knife Cindy: CD office smash in full Psychedelic ‘00s doesn’t swat you as sure to pro- I tried to check this band out. I’ve I was unemployed for most of the Color, as advertised (starring Eddy duce some horribly ersatz result, i say heard good things. It’s way too poppy summer of 1987, and, to give myself Taylor and Shelley DuMaurier, tune in, turn on, and blow your tweet- for me, though. They attempt some some illusion of productivity, i start- don’tcha know). Oh well, people are er, dude. BEST SONG: I’ll say the edgy stuff, but Alkaline Trio did it a ed off every morning (okay, after- weird that way. In any event, this one original, “(Do You Know) I lot better. I guess they could fit with a noon) by sending an anonymous post album was always real cool to have at Know.” BEST SONG TITLE: “I kid who likes the new Hot Water card signed with the obvious pseudo- parties—if half the people wanted to Can’t Stand This Love, Goodbye” Music, but I like the old HWM. No, nym “Jesus Chrysler” (note: this hear something at least vaguely tied FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA even that’s giving these cats a little affectation preceded both the band of to punk rock (“vaguely tied to punk FACT: I obtained my vinyl copy of too much street cred. They do play that name and the song “Jesus rock” about as generous a label as this in the ‘90s when Timbo from Pork Pie drums, use Pro-Mark sticks, Chrysler Drives a Dodge” by the one’d slap on the Damned ca. this Mutant Pop™ decided he could no and ESP bass guitars, among other Screaming Blue Messiahs) to my album’s original release in 1984) and longer stand this record, goodbye, things. I always thought it was a little friend Donny who was stationed in the other half wanted to hear some and gave it to me. Sweet. –Rev. Nørb wanky to write that shit in a CD. Japan. The only actual message i still sort of ‘60s punk-psych-garage thing, (Dionysus) Gotta please the sponsors, guys. Punk remember from any of the cards i sent you could flip this on and be hailed as rock. Dude. Their retort in a song him (which were, as often as not, just The Great Uniter; plus, back when it NEW MEXICAN here is “I don’t give a shit what punk weird scrawls and chicken scratch- came out, i wasn’t all that DISASTER SQUAD/ has to say anymore, man, ‘Shit has ing) was something to the effect of familiar/saturated with songs like WESTERN ADDICTION: changed,’ no kidding, there’s no more “HeY dONnY i bEt yOu DOn’t “Action Woman” and “She Lied” and Split: CDEP room for me,” and then it ends the KNow tHaT NAz nOmaD & tHe “I Can’t Stand This Love, Goodbye,” Each band provides three originals whining rant with, “There’s no point. NiGhtMaReS aRe reAllY tHe so it came in handy as a de facto and one cover. NMDS: Melodically The subversive’s been dug up. All the ideas that were dead.” Did Donald back of my grandma’s arms. I’d as a beacon for a safe landing. Rumsfeld write this gibberish? I maybe compare this to Syd Recommended listening. –Todd have no idea what the hell they Barrett but this has an irksome (Alternative Tentacles) mean, either. –Buttertooth self-consciousness that Mr. (Sabot Productions) Barrett’s organic strangeness PONIES: Self-titled: CD never allowed him to have. And (Make note, this isn’t The NRA: Machine: CD no amount of dissonant guitar and Ponys.) Spazzy DIY rock in the I’ve heard of these guys for quite experimental plumbing sounds musical-notes-instead-of-rocks some time but, if memory serves, can cover it up. Cool screen-print- cement mixer of The Okmoniks, haven’t actually heard ‘em. They ed cover, though. –Aphid Peewit ADD/C, The Lipstick Pickups, dabble in a poppy, rock form of (Ovipositor) Los Federales, and The Leeches, punk (meaning the songs are mid- augmented by altitude sickness tempo and the screaming is kept PHENOMS, THE: Home (they’re from Flagstaff) and to a minimum) that’s often remi- Brain Surgery Kit: CD-R screams into your left ear. At niscent of Naked Raygun and So many bands are afraid of The times, it’s endearing. At other similar bands. While they Rock. They won’t let it be just times, it’s like getting a tamale approach their tunes in a straight- that simple. There has to be some and you unwrap the husk to find forward manner, there are some sort of outside influence. Then another husk. It’s annoying, but neat little surprises to keep things there are the traditionalists, those you can work through that, too, interesting. –Jimmy Alvarado who make no apologies for walk- unpeel it again, and it’s nice and (Gearhead) ing a well-tread path, but with warm and soft inside with just a their own defined steps. This is little bit of chicken knuckle OBSERVERS, THE: where The Phenoms come in. you’ll have to spit out into a nap- So What’s Left Now?: CD Straight-forward, no frills rock- kin. I’ve got the feeling they’re Ho-ly go-d-dam-ned sh-it, this ’n’roll. No apology, and no reason on to something, and haven’t record’s fantastic. It’s denatured, for one. It’s just plain old rock- quite figured out how their so many of its elements are inten- ’n’roll, but they make every song Optimus Prime should be assem- tionally off-kilter, which may their own, and they do it well, bled for maximum ass kicking, throw you off on first listen, but which is why they have chances but am willing to double check stick it out. The reward may just to share the stage with bands how their creative underwear fill be your new favorite punk band. ranging from Pegboy, The New up for the next release. –Todd The singer’s got a mid-paced, Bomb Turks, and Guitar Wolf to (DogPony) almost operatic voice, which Link Wray. –Megan (Beercan) makes the vocals sound like a PROZACS, THE: politically informed Damned. But PILOT SCOTT TRACY: Self-titled: CD they don’t take the easy cookie Any City: CD “She needs a facelift and she cutter route, because the overall Sporadic new wave punk—what needs one now/she needs to alter effect is a new DIY band stepping you’ve come to expect from the her looks somehow....” Are you on the toes of giants and getting Causey Way outfit (some of the kiddin’ me with this? Look, the away with it. The bass is thick and members who make up this new Queers-clone school of stupidity slabby without being fret-tastic band). Elements of mellow elec- became passé more than eight wankery. The drums are slaps, tro, new wave, punk and straight- years ago. Please find another punches, and tough love. The gui- up pop flavor this disc, and in a band to emulate. I recommend tar is Dangerhouse’s barbed wire good way. “Big Fun” (showcasing some emo group that’s hot right pulled tight, keeping the com- quality post-punk) and “Master now. Now there’s a genre that pound well protected; the band Jack” (pure pop goodness) are the should provide gobs of fodder takes no easy outs. The lyrics are best tracks by far. Songs like for flaunting such an utter lack heartbreaking, expansive, and “Daisies” and “Babies” sound of originality. –Jimmy Alvarado generous, focusing on promises less like the Causey Way and (Cheapskate) upkept and decay seeping in. If more like Le Tigre or Ladytron. some asshole’s shitting in your All in all, this is a great disc for RAN: John Says: 7” ear that all punk’s on a big stage past cult members of the Causey There was a time early on with and sounds like taffy coming out Way and indie/electro post-punk Down By Law where I’d given a of some boy band factory, here is, fans. –Mr. Z lot of faith to them. It’s too bad yet again, proof positive that they (Alternative Tentacles) that they became a band who have no idea what the fuck went on to shit the bed over and they’re talking about. Dig. A dia- PILOT SCOTT TRACY: over again—musically and as mond. –Todd (Vinyl Warning) Any City: CD people—so much so, I find it The Causey Way (Razorcake #1) hard to listen to songs that I once OKAY PADDY: cult disbanded. But the musical swore an allegiance to. Ran res- Hunk: CDEP platelets remained in their blood. urrect some of those early feel- This reminds me a janglier ver- In that blood, The Cars splashed ings I had for DBL: earnest sion of The Outfield or a weaker through and slithering keyboards singing, urgent playing, a water- version of Jimmy Eat World. hydroplaned. In that blood, early shed of familiar sounds some- Neither of those references is bad, ‘60s pop commingled with sparse, how re-energized with interest- per se, but I just need more non-sucky indie rock. In that ing cuts and twists of their own. “oomph” to keep this one in my blood, guitars blare and Scott Think of early Dag Nasty and collection because by the last sings in his high-register voice, Double Image-era Marginal song (and this is only an EP, mind and sexy, sultry interludes remain. Man. Right about there. Not you,) I said out loud to myself, PST are less new wave and more quite as good, but not bad at all. “Please stop,” as I reached for the just a band whose approach is –Todd (Snuffy Smile) eject button. Still, it’s always nice akin to latter-day Man… or to get an extra jewel case out of AstroMan? I’m willing to go the REATARDS, THE: these things… –Kat Jetson distance—far from the original Monster Child: 7” (Prison Jazz) flight pattern—because there’s I’m continually amazed at how always an unexpected reward if well the sound of teenagers OUIPOSITOR: you buckle yourself in and take falling on their instruments has Cease the Day: CD the turbulence. “Angel of Death” translated to tape. –Josh (Zaxxon Bony and discordant and yet as balls up every word in this review, Virile Action) loose as the swinging flesh on the lights them on fire, and uses them RESONANCE: man? Get old? Did Hellcat tell you to Self Titled: CD-R EP try to be Rancid? Song titles like When I first picked this outta the “Loud and Proud,” “Riot, Riot, stack, I had to scratch my head. Is Riot,” and “The Boys” try to grasp this a DVD? No, it’s a CD packaged hard at the unity message to oi hooli- in a DVD case. Must have been a gans wannabes in the suburbs. Then Crazy Eddie sale at Blockbuster. But there’s the song “Street Rock n the songs are what matter. This five- Roll.” Can you be any more generic piece outfit of young upstarts fry up for us? Boring. Has he turned into a some nice dual guitar riffs and drums Spinal Tap parody? The vocals sound that will have you reaching for the like it. He sings, “I don’t like you, I Advil—but with a smile. hate you, fuck off.” Roger Miret “Auctionary Blindness” has the never played ska, but he decided it’s singer thrashing against art and its cool to rip lines from second wavers commercialism—”here’s another anyway with this line, “These boots one to hang in your gallery of dead- are made for stomping, gonna stomp skin masterpieces.” “450Volts” all over you.” What a dipshit. surges forward with lines like, “We –Buttertooth (Hellcat) send volts through the weapons in our wallets that are soaked in the ROSE TATTOO: blood of workers a world away.” If Rock’n’Roll Outlaws: CD you ever liked Embrace or Rites of ROSE TATTOO: Spring pick this up—there’s some- Assault & Battery: CD thing here for you. Resonance puts ROSE TATTOO: their fists through YMCA basement Scarred for Life: CD ceilings so you don’t have to. Solid ROSE TATTOO: first release from this Richmond out- Southern Stars: CD fit. –Sean Koepenick (Self-released) It’s funny how even some of the greatest stuff can fall through the RETCHING RED: cracks, you know? I remember see- Get Your Wings: CD ing Rock’n’Roll Outlaws, what I now If you have ever put in any time know is their debut album, in a long- reviewing records and CDs, it can be gone record store back in ‘82 or so, very trying. After so many years, the being intrigued by their bald singer, act of getting my fat ass in the chair and then putting it back on the to sit in front of the computer can shelves ‘cause the band name was take days of procrastination. So far, too wimpy. Now that I finally get to one CD out six, I have liked. I reach hear what was on that album, not to into the bag to keep the process mention the four that followed it, I going. I put this release into the CD realize I should’ve taken that puppy player and my head swings around in home with me. Rose Tattoo’s debut an act of whiplash. What is coming is surely the missing link between out of my speakers? The speed factor punk and bar rock—part Ramones, is up there, the anger is registering in part AC/DC and maybe a dash of a the red, and it doesn’t sound like a pissed-off Faces-era Rod Stewart in sloppy mess. Most songs clock in at the vocals—and one of the finest under two minutes. I have noticed on albums to come out of the late ‘70s. the net that this band has had shows This was one of those rare bands that with Oppressed Logic, Channel 3, managed to wrestle rock back from and Dinah Cancer & the Grave the overpaid pretty boys and give it Robbers up in Nor Cal. Using back to the streets, a band that you’d female-led bands as reference, the best believe meant it when they sang vocalist has characteristics that “Nice boys don’t play rock ‘n’ roll” remind me of Cinder from Tilt (it and drove the point home by adding turns out that it is her), but the music “I’m not a nice boy.” This is the is much faster and aggressive than soundtrack for an ass-kicking both the mentioned band. You could say metaphorical and literal. This is what that they sound like All or Nothing rock’n’roll was born to do, namely HC or Naked Aggression but the pro- scare the shit outta you while getting duction is much better and the speed you to move a little. The band fol- factor takes into account. The cover lowed up their stunner of a debut of “Insomnia” by Agression almost with Assault & Battery, which, while doesn’t sound like a cover. They sped not as intense as its predecessor, that song up and made it their own. I packs a mean wallop behind another have listened to this on more than strong set of songs. From there on in, one occasion. As cliched as this as with so many other bands, it’s sounds, this is a kick ass CD! downhill, with each of the last two –Donofthedead albums losing even more of that cru- (Bleeding Bitch) cial raw edge and sliding ever closer into bad ‘80s rock land, although, to ROGER MIRET AND their credit, they’re even good at THE DISASTERS: that. Captain Oi has seen fit to reis- 1984: CD sue all four of the band’s albums with Agnostic Front is way better. Roger extensive liner notes and the requi- Miret is playing streetpunk oi now. site bonus tracks. Much thanks is due He should have stuck with hardcore. to the Captain for giving me a new I threw this in and immediately put favorite band of the week, even if it on my Agnostic Front record Victim took me twenty-two years to pay in Pain instead. What happened, attention. –Jimmy Alvarado (Captain Oi) ROSETTA WEST: monies are incorporated into the SATELLITERS, THE: “Anything I Do” BEST SONG X Descendant: CD songs in a manner not overly bub- Hashish: CD TITLE: Against my better judgement, This is neither savage nor psychedel- blegum-ish. Plus, the last of four I bought a Satelliters record what “1969—The End of Time.” But isn’t ic, just miserably uninteresting. I’ve songs is We’re from Haddonfield, and feels to be about ten years ago, and it supposed to be “Tyme?” FANTAS- heard crappy high school cover bands horror movie references are one of the only thing i really remember TIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: that rock harder. –Jimmy Alvarado the many paths into my musical about it was that it looked way cooler Band conveniently provides French (Alive) heart. –Megan (Punkhead) than it sounded. “Hashish,” however, language version of “Wham Bam filed under “Psychedelic Garage Thank You Mam” for those of you RPG: Fulltime: CD S’COOL GIRLS: Punk” as the cover requires, actually whose pent-up demand for Small I got a little bored during the first The S’cool Girls EP: CDEP sounds about as good as it looks: I am Faces covers en Français was not song and said to myself, “I think I What we have here is a six-song unsure as to whether this calls for a slaked by Plastic Bertrand’s 1978 should floss my teeth.” Lucky for me, offering of pure Revlon Rock; an pat on the back for the band, a kick in version of “Sha La La La Lee.” –Rev. I had put the CD in my portable play- infectious, unapologetic serving of the pants for the graphic designer, or, Nørb (Dionysus) er. So, I walked to the bathroom and good timey glam punk replete with as a mere example of regression to grabbed the floss. Then I walked bangs, false eyelashes and lipsticked the mean, none of the above. Be that SEX ROBOTS: back to my desk and sat down and pouts. This is basically a cheeky as it may, although i quite understand 2004 Sampler: CD-R started to floss. I appreciated its melange of early ‘70s glammy cock why many people gravitate toward So, what would you say the odds minty aftertaste. I walked back to the rockers like the New York Dolls, That Which Is To Be Filed Under would be that, two days in a row, i bathroom and put the floss box back, Sweet and T Rex. Picture the Alice Psychedelic Garage Punk—i mean, receive two completely different CD- but kept flossing. Feeling much Cooper Band without the guillotines it’s kind of a fun aesthetic, what with R’s in the mail, and both CD-R’s con- fresher, I threw out the floss. By the and the boa constrictors and the songs all the inherent promises of “BIKINI tain the song “Put Anotha Rekkid time I looked down, I was on track about dead people. It’s a formula— GIRLS! CHELSEA GIRLS! PSY- On” by the Sex Robots? I guess if six. That’s how interesting this is. like fat guys walking into sliding CHEDELIC GIRLS!” and cool let- you’re not a total douchebag, the –Megan (Arclight) glass doors—that never gets old. tering and Riots on Sunset Strips and odds are actually pretty good! In any Good catchy clean fun. – Aphid what-not—i’ve always thought that event, it’s been a while since i lis- RUSHMORES, THE: Peewit (Intravenous) the universe’s existing reserves of tened to any Sludgeworth or Naked Giggidagiggidagiggida!: this music were far in excess of my Raygun, but those seem to be the CDEP SAGE FRANCIS: projected lifetime demand for it, so, associations these three songs are How many Ramones-influenced pop A Healthy Distrust: CD like, ah, why bother? I personally can provoking (if i really wanted to be punk bands are there? I know, I know. The beats are good, and the man cer- scrape by quite nicely by merely analytical, i might play this back to But, how many of them do you actu- tainly has some rhyming skills and a spinning a Pebbles or Nuggets type back with a Jawbreaker record, but, ally find listening to over and over smooth flow, but I kept thinkin’ collection every so often, and there- since Jawbreaker, unlike the Sex again? Yes, this is covered ground, “Eminem’s whiny little brother” fore have no pressing need to cram Robots, suck, i have no experimenta- but it’s worth a listen or twenty. The when I listened to him ask God not to my dome with covers of We the tional materials of a Jawbreakerly main vocals are damn near perfect for take any more of his friends, and a People’s “You Byrn Me Up and nature in my Rock Lab) (nor do i the style—not even a hint of the couple more songs elicited the same Down” and songs with titles like intend to obtain any). Pop-punk whine that a lot of pop punk bands response. In short, this is quasi- “1969—The End of Time,” but if which is neither particularly happy seem to think works. Everything is socially conscious hip-hop that miss- you’re looking for this kind of thing, nor angry, nor, for that matter, partic- pulled together tightly. The vocal har- es the mark a little too often. –Jimmy i think you’ve found it. BEST SONG: ularly poppy, and appears to be the Alvarado (Epitaph) better for the absence of all three. Fuckin’ STAUNCH. Not that this is girls don’t like it anymore. Yeooow! the first time i’ve ever said this, but I [Guitar solo]” Well, if these guys are NEED MORE SEX ROBOTS! the ones making it, I can’t say that I BEST SONG: “Put Anotha Rekkid blame the girls. –Megan On” BEST SONG TITLE: “Put (Record Records) Anotha Rekkid On” FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: “Merry SMOOSH: Christmas (I Don’t Want To Fight She Like Electric: CD Tonight)” is a really stupid song. This drum and keys sister duo of pre- –Rev. Nørb (Roadhouse Tunes) teens are playing and writing better songs that three quarters of the self- SHAM 69: Punk Singles important and “vital” bands out there. Collection 1977-80: CD The collection of songs on this release Cleopatra released this collection of is so chock full of fun and creativity Sham’s singles some years back (and that it’s no wonder the band has they no doubt licensed it from some- already played shows with Sleater- where else). Captain Oi has taken it, Kinney and Death Cab for Cutie. purtied it all up, added a few more Adorable without being cutesy, light- tracks that were left off of the hearted without being fluffy, and Cleopatra version, and sent it back out smart without wondering if it was into the world. All the big hits are someone else who wrote the songs… here, twenty-six in all, from “If the Smoosh are deserving of your atten- Kids are United” to “Hurry Up tion, and not just for novelty’s sake. Harry,” plus some rarities, like “What The only bummer? You probably Have We Got,” which was only avail- won’t be seeing them play live until able as a freebie given out at their school’s out and they’re on summer shows. If by some fluke of nature vacation. –Kat Jetson (Pattern 25) you’ve never heard a single Sham song, this is the perfect place to dive SNITCHES GET STITCHES: in. –Jimmy Alvarado (Captain Oi) I Liked You Better When You Were a Corpse: CD SHONEN KNIFE: This is the kind of album that makes Burning Farm: CD me conflicted. As a fan of music, I’m A record originally released in ‘83 stoked to hear Snitches Get Stitches (with extra live tracks from ‘84) by because they play a sneaky kind of cute Japanese ladies who can barely punk rock. I listened to the first song play, and when in doubt, they sing the and kinda shrugged my shoulders, but parts to cat food commercials: it was enough to keep listening. So I “Meow, meow, meow, meow.” And did and by halfway through the third when the words are formed, it’s quaint song, “I’ve Got a Thing for Violets,” I stuff, like, “Heart is pitpat and danc- was hooked. Something about it was Cocksparrer, though not quite as inter- or her hooded sweatshirt would prob- ing.” Fun, easy-to-listen-to, proto- so fresh and original that the disc went esting or memorable. –Jimmy ably not be into this. The average guy bubblegum stuff that requires straight into my high rotation. I start- Alvarado (Radio Blast) who actually has seen Black Flag and absolutely no thought at all and can be ed listening to this album every day. goes out once a month to drink beers played when parents or authority fig- That’s good stuff. So why should I be STAR STRANGLED with old buddies would go see this ures are listening in. –Todd (Oglio) conflicted? Well, because I have to BASTARDS: Red, White, band. Even though this band, I review it, and what the fuck do you and Dead!: CD believe, hails from Virginia, they have SHORTCUT TO NEWARK: say about it? It starts off with a blast of I love music that, even when you’re a very beach punk, SoCal sound with Gearing Up for hardcore, something in the vein of sitting in the softish nice confines of mid tempo numbers that have a drunk Getting Down: CD Negative Approach. Kinda tough. A your domicile, you are made to feel snottiness to them. They hold their It would be so rad if they’d make their few hooks in there. Before too long, like you are in the middle of the pit, own musically and aren’t half bad. video next to a pool because then hi- though, the music starts to branch out. bashing into other euphoric cavemen Better enjoyed live than at home, in jinks could ensue! Ringer-T pop-punk It drifts into territory where I can hear and feeling your blood copulate with my opinion. –Donofthedead (Stations) complete with strategically cropped a Proletariat-type disjointedness, but the obscene amounts of alcohol in shots of the one chubby dude with the songs are strangely catchy. And your system. Even though it’s all con- STEPBROTHERS: man-tits. –Megan (Sucka-Punch) there’s an explosive fearlessness that jured with electric guitars and what- Baby It’s Over: CD makes me think of Big Black, but not, it is a joy that is atavistic and Rock’n’roll band with a bit of ‘60s SIXTEENS: Fendi: CDEP there’s not much electronic going on pure. This is surging political hardcore influence added in to keep things Fuzzy, heavily synthesized, and terri- here. Weird, self-indulgent samples that has some of the same energy and interesting, which seems a moot effort bly dramatic goth rock that sounds between the songs, but I don’t mind the slight metal edge of Total Chaos at considering how totally uninteresting like it was recorded in Siouxsie because the samples are short and the their best. I don’t know how long Star this is. –Jimmy Alvarado Sioux’s trash can. –Kat Jetson songs they’re between are good. It’s Strangled Bastards have existed as a (Licorice Tree) (Hungry Eye) arty, but in a good way. It’s a far cry band, but I’m going to guess that I can from anything I’ve heard on Empty, thank the stumblefucks in the plutoc- STREET BRATS: but Empty has always been pretty SLOW SIGNAL FADE, THE: racy currently reigning over this coun- You’ll Never Walk Alone: 7” Through the Opaque Air: CD good about keeping me on my toes. try (aka: Dubya, Cheney, et al) for the The song on side one fucking sucks. I The placement of the bass way up in And so on. You can see the conflict. I inspiration behind this slab of spleen- think they were going for an the mix results in an occasional early guess I’ll try to simplify it: I like it. venting rage. More and more I’m Exploding Hearts-type thing, but it Cocteau Twins feel, but for the most It’s different. I listen to over a hundred thinking you can’t go wrong with any- comes across as very awkward glam part this comes off like the new bands a year. Most of them sound thing on Rodent Popsicle. rock-influenced Clash, and it sounds Cranberries bucking for a funeral gig. remarkably similar. This album is a bit – Aphid Peewit (Rodent Popsicle) like a truck commercial. Things get a Not too terrible on the whole, but the of an oddball. I’ve reviewed about bit brighter on the other side: two minimalist quality of both song struc- three or four hundred records; I’m STATIONS: songs that sound a lot less contrived ture and instrumentation fails to gel rarely stumped. And here’s a band that Tune Out the Static: CD and almost remind me of Japan’s more often than not. –Jimmy can stump me and get me excited. Punk has become so fragmented that Practice. The girl in the lower right Alvarado (Stroll) That’s so cool. –Sean (Empty) each scene does not support one picture on the cover is Ugly. (No, another. Case in point: this band falls that’s her name. It says so on the SLURS, THE: The Problem SPITTIN’ VICARS, THE: under the twenty-one-and-over bar back.) –Ben Snakepit (Full Breach with Rock and Roll: CD The Gospel According to: CD punk scene. A kid with patches on his Kicks; www.fullbreach77.com) “The problem with rock and roll is the Anthemic punk rock along the lines of STREET DOGS: your cookie jar. –Sean Koepenick sauna is NOT cool. Also, one of the Angeles that have been around a long Back to the World: CD (No Idea) guys in the back seems be enjoying time. It just left a bad taste in my I got hit by a promotions person a cou- himself at little too much in this mouth. The appearance is another ple of years ago to review a live show STRYCHNINE: shot—if you know what I mean. thing. They always looked like they by this band. I responded by saying, “I Born in a Bar: CD Being the unbiased critic that I am, I were put together too perfectly. The don’t like to go see bands I have no The name of the album says it all! soldiered on, hoping this music would uniform of leather and studs. The idea about. Send me a CD. I will think Street punk with a metal-type growly save it. Alas, this was not the case. Not spiked hair perfectly proportioned. about it after I hear it.” Well, that CD singer. Oh, they’re from East Bay. So horrible, but nothing really great that I Poster children for cartoon punks. The was the Savin Hill record. Man, the if you love all the typical TKO stuff or haven’t heard from a thousand garage promo pictures looked like they were first thing I thought was, “Dad name, if YOU TOO were born in a bar (like bands in the last couple years. Stop professionally done for a glam metal I hope the music isn’t.” I was thinking a bad CHiPs episode), you’ll want this trying to ape The Hives—they ain’t band. I have been at records stores and the vocalist sounded familiar. It’s CD. –Mr. Z (TKO) doing nothing The Chocolate heard their output, but not enough to Mike McColgan, who used to sing for Watchband didn’t do thirty-five years pay attention or shell out my hard- the Dropkick Murphys. Well, the STUBBY’S CRACK CO.: ago. –Sean Koepenick (Nicotine) earned cash. Since this is sitting in music was superb: melodic street Cuz Hell on Earth Ain’t front of me, I have to take a hard lis- punk that was heartfelt and yet urgent. All It’s Cracked Up to Be: CD THERE IS A WORLD: ten. I hate to admit it, but this release The track titled “Fighter” is one I still There are some occasional flashes of Superfluous Noise: CD is pretty good. Sure, I can pull out the listen to. Here is their sophomore very arty-punk brilliance, but for the I really appreciated the fact that they GBH, Conflict, Exploited and effort and that can always go two most part, this plays like the sound- obviously put some thought into their Motörhead references in their songs, ways. The first album was a fluke and track to a hillbilly hangover. –Jimmy lyrics, which often feels like it’s but this time around, they play it well. the second is terrible or it will be as Alvarado (Spenard Core, no address) becoming a dying art, and the fact The production is better than what good or better than the first. This is the they didn’t attach those lyrics to some most bands that play this style ever get latter. They continue on with great SUPERSUCKERS: lame derivative of emo was especially to record in. With the raving comes songs that are enjoyable and can be Live at the Magic Bag: CD nice. The bulk of their mid-tempo my negativity. The packaging is way listened to over and over. The Celtic If you’re like me and you’re “road hardcore sound, however, didn’t real- too professional looking and over- and reggae/dub track didn’t get under worn and weary” from the inhumane ly move me all that much. Kept photoshopped and trying too hard to my skin. If you can handle an acoustic amounts of emo bilge that’s backed up expecting them to lay the rage on look authentically punk. It looks like track, the last track has a lot emotion and is spilling over everywhere, then thick, but they never quite delivered. they are specifically targeting the Hot and seems sincere. Glad to see that this might be the disc for you. These Maybe next time. –Jimmy Alvarado Topic/Warped Tour crowd. Well... they are on the right track. Supersucker boys don’t wear their (www.thereisaworld.tk) maybe they are. The cover of the –Donofthedead (Brass Tracks) welschmertz on their sweater sleeves Misfits’ “Attitude” was subpar. They nor do they recoil at the sound of a THIS IS MY FIST!: should have stayed away from that STRIKEFORCE DIABLO: simple power chord. They are not I Don’t Want to Startle You one. Not musically their style. Also The Albatross anguished milksops reciting couplets but They Are Going to Kill the cover of Twisted Sister’s “We’re and the Architect: CD from their diaries while wearing Most of Us: 7” Not Gonna Take It” is total cheese. If Not usually my cup of tea, but this “What Would Morrissey Do” wrist- I have a feeling that the members of they wanted to be a glam metal band, post punk band has elements that bands. Far from it. In fact, they might This Is My Fist have no idea how they can just put their hair down and intrigue me. The bass sounds that emit just be self-centered dicks. If they good they are. It’s one of those things put on some makeup. I didn’t find it out of the speakers are strong and sta- have a self-conscious, over-sensitive where they probably couldn’t be as fun or funny. –Donofthedead (S.O.S.) ble with amazing tones. The drums are hair on their bodies, then it’s buried in good if they did. TIMF bring a raw, more than competent and add a thun- a crease somewhere that doesn’t see sentimental take to a slightly folk- TROUBLEMAN: dering back beat. The guitars are the light of day much. These are grub- influenced sounding, fast-paced punk The Last Show: CD pulled back a little to keep things by rock’n’roll reprobates of the first outfit. The lyrics are heartfelt and In addition to the music, all good forceful. The guitar sound has that order; they are a cross between the sung like it might just be their last rock’n’roll records include the follow- hint of old blues meets southern rock business side of Gene Simmons’ cod- chance to get the words out. This is ing topics: drinking, fighting, cheap flavor to it when he is not going into piece, Evel Knievel and something better than finding twenty bucks in floozies, and rock’n’roll. Thus The that dreamy, tonal sound. The singer that fell out of Joey Ramone’s pant leg your pocket when you thought you Last Show may officially be dubbed a reminds me of the singer from Rise (when he was still around to have were broke. –Megan good rock’n’roll record. These eleven Against for some reason. That is the things fall out of his pant legs, that is.) (Left off the Dial) tracks re-induce my juvenile rock fan- first thing that struck me. I have to say This is a straight shot of swaggering tasies (drinking, fighting, and chasing that I was definitely interested and Rock with a capital “R”—the bastard TICONDEROGA: cheap floozies in a fog of Blatz and was not willing to throw the thing child of an unholy three-way tryst Self-titled: CD Jim Beam), and make me think of the against the wall at first listen. between ‘70s style arena rock, Atmospheric rock from this three- Black Crowes meet the Joneses: –Donofthedead (No Idea) stripped-down punk and a spittoonful piece from Raleigh, North Carolina. knife-edge tunes with a twangy, of outlaw country. Like all good sex Hard to tell who plays what since they Southern mentality lurking in the STRIKEFORCE DIABLO: shows, it’s a concoction that’s best all switch off on instruments—one background, and just the right amount The Albatross taken live. And live this is—twenty- dude even plays a contrabass, of sloppy drunkenness to provide an and the Architect: CD two tracks (counting a fake encore) of which I’m sure sounds pretty wild. air of authenticity and credibility to go Wily, inventive guitar rock that will catchy, dirty, honest music that’ll kick With this outfit, it feels like the mood with the all-around fun and mayhem. get under your skin like a Southern up the dust and stir up your lust for is key. “A Welt” and “Arrowhead” are Good stuff. –The Lord Kveldulfr preacher’s homemade snake oil mixed drink and drugs and misrule. I’ve said especially rocking tracks. For some (Offbeat Productions) with whiskey and downed in one gulp. it before and I’ll say it again: Eddie reason, one track brought up creepy “Plastic Astronaut” bumps and grinds Spaghetti and the boys somehow man- images of Jeffrey Dahmer, but I can TURPENTINE BROTHERS: like a game of rollerball, while age, time and time again, to sustain move past that. The For Carnation and We Don’t Care “Between the Two” has some musical this impossible balance between being Slint come to mind at some points on About Your Good Times: CD breakdowns that for some reason struttin’ cock rockers and being no- this disc, but Ticonderoga actually This would be The Animals meets the remind me of Tony Iommi, which bullshit punk rockers and, most mines their own sound on this debut. Doors, if Eric Burdon hadn’t been one kicks ass in my book! “Akimbo” is the impressively, they come across as Ticonderoga sometimes sounds quiet hell of a rockin’ little man and Ray best song on this one for me—”These being absolutely genuine when they and sad at the same moment. Manzarek never did anything interest- walls have ears/whose ears have walls do it. Plus, they seem to genuinely Sometimes that’s just in one chorus. ing on keyboards. Non-offensive, but so paper thin/and our fading El have a helluva a good time, to boot. –Sean Koepenick not that interesting either. –Megan Camino is home again” sings Drew It’s cool what you can accomplish (Fifty Four Forty Or Fight) (Alive) Demaio over Kevin Scott’s pummel- when you don’t take yourself so tight- ing backbeat. The glue in this trio is ass seriously. –Aphid Peewit (Mid-Fi) TOTAL CHAOS: TWENTY2: Unstable: CDEP bassist Matt Sweeting’s propulsive Freedom Kills: CD The cover artwork on this reminded bass lines—check out “Fear humon- SWEETBACKS, THE: These guys have been dead in the me of the artist who used to graphics gous” if you don’t believe me. You Self-titled: CD water for me way before I have for Santa Cruz Skateboards back in would be a “sad humongus” if you First off, the cover—trying to look received this CD for review. I have the ‘80s. Well in that theme, this don’t buy this and keep it hidden in like you really like Bread or Steam or heard stories about this band from sounds like another band for the whoever that band was that posed in a many credible people here in Los Warped Tour set. 99 Watching the bonus videos, it looks VACANCY, THE: imagine listening to that song in July. had my choice of doing all four mem- like they have already played one Heart Attack: CD Yeah, my point exactly. bers or nothing, i’d go for the quadru- even though they don’t mention it. I could be completely wrong here but –Kat Jetson (Mint) ple band-pork in a New York Melodicore for the newbies. this band reminds me of the Foo Nanosecond. FANTASTIC AMAZ- –Donofthedead (New School) Fighters, Urge Overkill, Helmet, or VARIOUS ARTISTS: ING TRIVIA FACT: I can’t get The Jimmy Eat World. But I couldn’t sit L.A.’s Rising Scene 2004, Soap’s website to load in my browser, TYRADES, THE: through a full song. Volume 1: CD which is deeply frustrating but is also On Your Video: 7” –Donofthedead (A-F) Low-budget recordings of indie rock- relieving me of the unsightly chore of Lotsa people have said that the ers from L.A. I’ve never heard of any Windexing my monitor every five Tyrades are more of a singles band, VARIOUS ARTISTS: of them. So-so, nothing to write home minutes. Also, once Boris The like they’re more suited for a 7” rather 1382 The Persian New Wave: about. –Heela (Intravenous) Sprinkler’s drummer, Ron, lost his than an LP. I don’t understand. What Underground out of the Mensen t-shirt somewhere or another the fuck does that mean? The full- Islamic Republic of Iran: LP VARIOUS ARTISTS: and it was a big deal of some sort. length is seventeen minutes long. Iran hasn’t been successful in winning Nostalgia Del Buio: 2 X CD –Rev. Nørb (Dionysus) Yeah, man, nine songs by one of the the war on its black-market trading or Nostalgia Del Buio isn’t just some best bands out there is total fucking Internet downloads, but it has pretty record label sampler or a bunch of VELCRO LEWIS overkill. Anyway, this is single num- much outlawed music as a whole, so it crappy leftovers from recordings. It is, AND HIS 100 PROOF ber six and it’s great, great stuff. The is not surprising for one to assume that in fact, quite the opposite. This double BAND: Ruin Everything: CD title song is a completely fucked, a country whose fundamentalist reli- disc of forty-three (!) previously unre- This CD is the aural equivalent of snarling mid-tempo dirge that sounds gious leaders have called Shakira leased songs is a true labor of love, waking up one booze-doomed morn- like the record is warped; it’s a beauti- “devil music,” would have no punk realized as a collaborative effort ing, and exulting in the fact that you ful thing. The two songs on the flip are scene whatsoever. Ten-year-old Tian between Jessie Eva (The Vanishing) have just slept with a member of more of the raw, manic, on-the-verge- An Men Records has disproved these and Manuel Gutierrez (Cochon Nashville Pussy, but having said exul- of-falling-apart variety that’s made the assumptions, however. This label has Records’ head honcho), and mostly tation be quickly tempered by the fact Tyrades, well, not exactly famous, but been dedicated to pressing truly spotlights the happening-right-now that it was Blaine (if, of course, Blaine at least popular amongst people who underground punk music from around and hot-to-trot Bay area music scene. was from Chicago and everybody else would be attracted to a band that puts the world (Kosovo, Madagascar, soon I’d love to mention all the bands, and in the band was also Blaine, and also out seventeen-minute full-lengths. Iraq) for years, and they’ve put out yet tell you just how fucking good nearly from Chicago). I can explain things no They should go on tour soon. –Josh another gem. This 12” comp has every song on this monster release is, better than Jake Austen’s liner notes: (Smart Guy) music that is so underground that the but there simply isn’t enough room. “The punctuation on ‘Rockin’ & only place to play, practice, or record What you should know, though, is that Drinkin’ (Tonight)’ is testament alone TYRADES: this stuff would be in the bedroom. this CD is an essential addition to your to this band’s greatness. With such a On Your Video: 7” Ah, the true essence of punk: 100 per- collection, and if you love the title one need not even listen to the I think these tracks (one long one and cent DIY. Ranging from garage to pop Phantom Limbs, New Collapse (as song to appreciate its magnificence, two on the other side) were recorded to satanic-sounding punk tunes, the they once were), the Husbands, Lost and perhaps one shouldn’t.” BEST during the same time as the full- music is all over the place, but in no Sounds, Kill Me Tomorrow, Von Iva, SONG: “Covert Lover/Secret Sin” length. It has a similar sound, which way a turn off. Rest assured, when you Glass Candy et al., you’ll feel like BEST SONG TITLE: “Rockin’ & I’m not as fond of as the other 7”s. get this not only are you buying a you’ve struck gold. Go online to see if Drinkin’ (Tonight)” FANTASTIC Now, this is the Tyrades, so it’s damn piece of history (THE FIRST EVER one of your favorite bands is spot- AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: Liner good. There’s just a lot less going on IRANIAN PUNK RELEASE), but lighted here. Chances are, there’ll be notes thank Jim Knipfel, whom i was sound-wise in this recording, and I you’ll get a kick out of the originality at least a few. Spectacular! –Kat in Cub Scouts with. –Rev. Nørb just feel like I’m missing out a little. It and ingenuity of the bands (most of Jetson (Cochon) (Blinded Tiger) also feels a little choppier than other whom are probably using ancient recordings, but still a solid 7” worth equipment their fathers and mothers VARIOUS ARTISTS: WATERPROOF BLONDE: picking up if you’ve already heard had purchased before the religious SOFLA, So Good, The Morning after them and want more. Just not the upheaval of the ‘70s!). I also found it So What: CD the Night Before: CD record I’d start someone out on. interesting that the guy behind Tian It’s nice to see more and more good I, for some unknown reason, picked –Megan (Smart Guy) An Men is a French Red Cross relief music coming out of Florida these up every pink album this time worker who has worked in Kurdistan, days. This compilation has some great through, this being one of the pinkest. UNABOMBERS, THE: Iran, and Afghanistan—among other bands that have been around for a Pretty formulaic, female-fronted stuff. It’s Not That We Don’t countries—and the many cities he’s while like Against All Authority, Quiet. Rock. Quiet. They say they’re Love You, It’s Just That lived in are where he’s encountered Runnamucks, and The Crumbs, but influenced by The Strokes. –Megan We Don’t Care: CD-R EP the punks whose music he’s helped there are a handful of new ones worth (Crash Avenue, no address given) A treble-saturated squall of Finnish share with the rest of the world. –Mr. checking out as well. Standouts on bashing around vaguely reminding me Z (Tian An Men 89) this twenty-one band compilation, WRETCHED ONES: of Los Ass-Draggers in that globally- aside from the aforementioned bands, Less Is More: CD prized Red Bull™-quaffing manner VARIOUS ARTISTS: It’s a are AC Cobra, The Skanks, The Angry skin-style punk by these veter- specific to the rabid European mal- Team Mint Xmas Vol. 2!: CD Hangovers, The Knumbskullz, ans of the genre. It’s a style of music content! CD contains four songs but As a rule, I just don’t like Christmas Hopesick, Stay Hit, and The Getback. that can easily get repetitive and dull, lyrics to seven, including this gem songs. They saturate the radio, televi- The music ranges from ska to hard- but The Wretched Ones do it right and from the lamentably absent “Uppsala sion commercials, and cell phones, core with many genres in between. keep it loud, angry, and fun. Eighteen Hippie Commune”: “You believe that and by the day after Thanksgiving I’m Not a bad listen for five bucks. –Toby tracks with seven hidden ones. Lots of frolic is hash / We believe in Darby begging for any other holiday than the (SOFLA) angst for your buck. –Toby (TKO) Crash.” As High Enlightenment, this one that gives us N’ Sync, Céline stuff’s got a ways to go, but as far as a Dion, and Rod Stewart crooning the VARIOUS ARTISTS: We ZS: Karate Bump: CDEP quick shot of pure exhilaration goes, classics. Even when the fabulous Ain’t Housewife Material: CD You know that cell phone commercial it’s certainly way better than that new Man… or Astroman? covered “Frosty I guess being a bunch of chicks is a where the little kid dressed up like a Budweiser™ crap with the caffeine in the Snowman,” I was bored. At least good enough excuse to throw together chicken goes, “Honk honk! I’m a it. “Take the Danish brownies out of with It’s a Team Mint Xmas you get a a comp, and it’s a decent enough goose!”? I don’t know what the Zs are your rectum.” BEST SONG: “Ridge chunk of creativity with thirteen of the record, i guess, but i don’t really hear dressed up as, but they go, “Honk! Forrester” BEST SONG TITLE: I’ll fourteen songs here being originals. anything here that makes me want to Honk! I’m a pretentious jazzbo and I go with “Uppsala Hippie Commune” But still, the cover of “Do They Know sit all these ladies down in a row and have just realized a composition based for twenty, Alex. FANTASTIC It’s Christmas” by Mint-Aid is just a perform untold hours of cunnilingus on the natural arhythm of my own AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: DEN bit too predictable; right down to the upon each and every one of them in farts over the course of one SOM LISTAR UT TEXTEN TILL JUST hokey Band-Aid name rip-off. I succession or anything. Wait a minute. Earth day! Three composi- A WAR VINNER EN dunno, I guess I just think it’s kind of Yes i do. Never mind. BEST SONG: tions, actually! Listen to me DÖNNERDATE MED VALFRI a waste of time and talent. Think of Elvis McMan, “Slow Children” fart and call me a genius!” UNABOMBERSMEDLEM. your favorite band. Now imagine HOTTEST BAND: The three female –Cuss Baxter (Planaria) –Rev. Nørb them doing a Christmas song. Now members of Japan’s The Soap are so UNGODLY hot that if you told me i 101 C O N T A C T A D D R E S S E S to bands and labels that were reviewedin the either last in two this months. issue or posted on www.razorcake.com
• 4Xbeaver; www.4xbeaver.com • Dirtnap, PO Box 21249, • Matador, 625 Broadway, • Sling Slang, 36 Kane St., • Abbey Lounge, 3 Beacon St., Seattle, WA 98111 NY, NY 10012 Southington, CT 06489 Somerville, MA 02143 • Disaster, PO Box 7112, • Mattress; • Smart Guy, 3288 21st St., • A-F, PO Box 71266, Burbank, CA 91510 www.mattressrecords.com PMB #32, SF, CA 94110 Pittsburgh, PA 15213 • Dischord, 3819 Beecher St. NW, • Mid-Fi, PO Box 666, Heber • Snuffy Smile, 4-1-16-201 • Alive, PO Box 7112, Washington, DC 20007 City, UT 84032 Daita, Setagaya-Ku, Tokyo Burbank, CA 91510 • DogPony, PO Box 461612, • Mint, PO Box 3613, Vancouver 155-0033, Japan • Alternative Tentacles, PO Box LA, CA 90046 BC, Canada, V6B 3Y6 • SOFLA, 6450 SW 32 St., 419092, SF, CA 94141–9092 • Drunk Tank, 15 Bayview Ave., • Narnack, 381 Broadway – 4th Miami, FL 33155 • Arclight, 1405 Rio Grande St., Islip, NY 11751 Fl. #3, NY, NY 10013 • SOS, PO Box 3017, Corona, Austin, TX 78701 • Epitaph, 2798 Sunset Blvd., • New School, PO Box 2094, CA 92878–3017 • Arkam, 1925 Hwy. 69 S., LA, CA 90026 Oregon City, OR 97045 • Southern, PO Box 577375, Savannah, TN 38372 • Estrus, PO Box 2125, • Nicotine, PO Box 165, Chicago IL 60657 • Art of the Underground, Bellingham, WA 98227 15057 Tortona, Italy • Spacement, 5120 Idlebury 3234 Main St. Upper, • Ever Reviled, PO Box 222, • No Front Teeth, PO Box 27070, Way, Reno, NV 89523 Buffalo, NY 14214 Jersey City, NJ 07303-0222 London, N2 9ZP, UK • Spook City, PO Box 34891, • Beercan, PO Box 241, • Fifty Four Forty Or Fight, • No Idea, PO Box 14636, Philadelphia PA, 19101 Berwyn, IL 60402 PO Box 1601, Acme, MI 49610 Gainesville, FL 32604 • Stations; • Big Neck, PO Box 8144, • Finger, 18092 Sky Park Circle, • Parasol, 303 W. Griggs St., www.thisisstations.com Reston, VA 20195 South Unit A, Irvine, CA 92614 Urbana, IL 61801 • Stickfigure, PO Box 55462, • Bleeding Bitch, 4096 Piedmont • Firefly, PO Box 30179, • Pattern 25, PO Box 22126, Atlanta, GA 30308 Ave. #216, Oakland, CA London E17 5FE, UK Seattle WA 98122 • Street Anthem, PMB #218, 94611–5221 • Flying Bomb, PO Box 971038, • Planaria, PO Box 21340, 1530 Locust St., Philadelphia, • Blinded Tiger; Ypsilanti, MI 48197 Washington, DC 20009 PA 19102 www.velcrolewis.com • Fourteegee Profuctions, • Plan-It-X, PO Box 3521, • Stroll, 1851 N. Grammercy • Brass Tracks, 8863 Dixie, Detroit, MI 48239 Bloomington, IN 47402 Pl., LA, CA 90028 c/o DRT Entertainment, 45 West • Gearhead, PO Box 421219, • Poorest Quality, PO Box 458, • Sucka-Punch, PO Box 8456, 21st St., NY, NY 10010 SF, CA 94142 Boston, MA 02129 Alcester, B49 5RE, UK • Breathing Room, PO Box 4415, • Gothic Gospel, 3452 • Prison Jazz, 431 Birch St., • Super Secret, PO Box 1585, San Diego, CA 92164 Cattaraugus Ave., Scranton PA 18505 Austin, TX 78767 • Buttermilk, 1108 13th Ave., Culver City, CA 90232 • Punk Core, PO Box 916, • Thick, PO Box 351899, LA, Seattle, WA 98122 • Hellcat, 2798 Sunset Blvd., Middle Island, NY 11953 CA 90035-1899 • Captain Oi, PO Box 501, High LA, CA 90226 • Punkhead, 3716 S. Normal, • Tian An Men 89; Wycombe, Bucks, HP10 8QA, UK • Hopeless, PO Box 7495, Chicago, IL 60609 www.geocities.com/tam89rds • Cheapskate, 297 Stoodley Pl., Van Nuys, CA 91409 • Radio Blast, Hildegardstr.13, • TKO, 8941 Atlanta Ave. #505, Schenectady, NY 12303 • Hungry Eye, PO Box 20403, 44809 Bochum, Germany Huntington Beach, CA 92646 • Clearly, 195 Stanton St. #4G2, Tompkins Square Station, • Record Records, 4546 • Trick Knee, PO Box 12714, NY, NY 10002 NY, NY 10009 Allisonville Rd., Green Bay, WI 54307-2714 • Cochon; • Intravenous, PO Box 93007, Indianapolis, IN 46205 • Two Four Dead, 6038 N. www.cochonrecords.com Pasadena, CA, 91109-3007 • Red Scare; www. redscare.net Knoll Ave., Fresno, CA 93711 • Collective, PO Box 22172, • Kanine, PO Box 404, Prince St. • Roadhouse Tunes, 9102 • Unabombers c/o Markus St. Louis, MO 63116 Station, NY, NY 10012 Edwards Dr., St. Louis, MO 63132 Larsson, Frodegatan I5A 753 • Combat Rock Industry, PO • Left off the Dial, PO Box 3941, • Rodent Popsicle, PO Box 1143 25 Uppsala, Finland Box 65, 11101 Riihimaki, Finland Oakland, CA 94609 Allston, MA 02134 USA • Vacant Cage, 1784 W. • Contaminated, PO Box 41953, • Licorice Tree, PO Box 92783, • Sabot Productions, PO Box 28, Northfield Blvd. #215, Memphis, TN 38174 Austin, TX 78709 Gainesville, FL 32602 Murfreesboro, TN 37129 • Criminal I.Q., 3540 N. • Lightning Bug, 3149 W. Argyle • Salinas, PO Box 20996, • Voodoo Rhythm, Jurastrasse Southport, Chicago, IL 60657 St. #1, Chicago, IL 60025-4225 Ferndale, MI 48220 15, 3013 Bern, Switzerland • Dead Canary, PO Box 10276, • Limekiln, PO Box 4064, • Secret Keeper; • Wichita Recordings, Columbus, OH 43201 Philadelphia, PA 19118 www.secretkeeperrecords.com PO Box 27754, London • Delta Pop Music, 663 S. • Longshot Music, PMB #72, • Self-Titled Resonance, 7 South England E5 OFP Bernardino Ave, Ste. 113, 302 Bedford Ave., Morris St., Richmond, VA 23220 • World; Sunnyvale, CA 94087 Brooklyn, NY 11211 • Shit Sandwich, 3107 N. [email protected] • Dingus, 2407 N. Pierce St., • Lovitt, PO Box 248, Rockwell, Chicago, IL 60618 • Wrong, LLC 378 Third Ave. Milwaukee, WI 53212 Arlington VA 22210 • Side One Dummy, PO Box PH, NY, NY 10016 • Dionysus, PO Box 1975, • Lucid, 665 Timber Hill Rd., 2350, LA, CA 90078 • Zaxxon Virile Action, CP Burbank, CA 91507 Deerfield, IL 60015 • Slasher, 307 Glenholme Ave., 1218, Sorel-Tracy, Quebec, J3P • Dirt Culture, PO Box 4513, • Major Amerikan Label, 951 B Toronto, ON, M6E 3E2, Canada 7L5, Canada Las Cruces, NM 88003 Calle Negocio, San Clemente, • Die Slaughterhaus, PO Box CA 92673 160168, Atlanta, GA 30316 Send all zines for review to Razorcake, “Not to put too fine a PO Box 42129, LA, point on it, but only a CA 90042. Please include a contact heinous douchebag address, the number would pass this up.” of pages, the price, and whether or not –Josh you accept trades.
A.D.D. #14, $3, 8 x 10 ½, color APATHETIC MASS #1, $1, with the story? How does the story tell you that I met other punks in the cover, newprint insides, 48 pgs. 5 ½ x 8 ½, photocopied, 20 pgs. benefit from having stuff like that hills and that we carved forties out I’m a long-time fan of A.D.D. I’m stoked that kids from Whittier, mentioned in such an offhand way? of logs, ran extension cords from Chances are, if you like Razorcake, a sleepy suburb of Los Angeles, are It may not seem like such a big our back porch, spiked our hair you’ll have an affinity for A.D.D., making zines. Too bad the zine is deal, but it made me realize how with pinesap and wrote our own too. Fuck, we like a lot of the same clichéd and not-too-interesting. I’ve much Lew relies on mining his own songs about living in the woods. bands, have the same take on the read it all before: rants for revolu- rut. Eighty pages is plenty of room But that never happened.” Sort of equation of good music > “big tion, blah blah band interviews and for some kind of character develop- like a punk rock, unillustrated ver- bands” any day of the week, and then lots of cut and paste junk. ment, some kind of light at the end sion of American Splendor. The you get the feeling while reading it Good try, kids, but try harder. of the tunnel, but instead, it’s, “I design is black and white, clean and that music’s a necessity, not an –Amy Adoyzie (15358 Midcrest pined for her, I made eyes at some sharp, with just enough attitude to accessory. In this issue is a fantastic Dr., Whittier, CA 90604; apathetic- other girl, I rode my bike and lis- make it distinct. I read this one from tour diary by Russ Van Cleave of [email protected]) tened to punk records,” over and cover to cover and found certain the Tim Version’s invasion (okay, over. I’m not trying to be harsh; like bits rattling in my head for days drunken mauling) of Japan, and BIASED REVIEWS I said, it’s enjoyable, but it’s also afterward. Nicely done. –Brian informative interviews with AND MISQUOTES #2, really disappointing to see an obvi- Howe (Vinylaprintprint c/o Lew Against Me! and the Grabass 5 ½ x 8 ½, $1, 18 pgs. ously talented writer painting him- Houston, 135 Wapwallopen Rd., Charlestons. The only bummer is An excerpt from their review of a self into a corner at such an early Nescopeck, PA, 18635) the dark backgrounds in a couple of cookbook: “This book boasts four stage. –Josh (Lew Houston, 135 the layouts. (Backgrounds are hundred vegan recipes and I guess Wapwallopen Rd., Nescopeck, PA CRIPPLED BY DEPRESSION tricky. We’ve been stung a couple that’s right if you count using dif- 18635) #2, 5 ½ x 8 ½, 52 pgs. times by them.) I was really inter- ferent toppings on pizza to be a dif- Basically what this guy did was ested in Dave Disorder’s take on ferent recipe.” That reminded me of BLURT, #2, $2, 4 x 5 ½, 110 pgs. post a bunch of funny personal ads Gaineville’s Fest II, but went cross- how the Waffle House menus say This little cutie of a zine is filled on the internet to see if anybody eyed every time I tried to read it. that there’s like a hundred thousand with nothing but stories from its would respond. A bunch of people Other than that quibble, if you’re different ways to eat a Waffle author’s life, which might sound did, and this zine is made up of their looking for fun-loving, beer-loving House hamburger, but that’s just an like the sort of pretentious, self- correspondence. Like I said, it’s dudes who don’t take themselves exponential calculation of every absorbed claptrap that fills so many funny. At the end of the zine, he too seriously but know what they’re single topping (i.e., lettuce would “personal” or “confessional” zines. talks about how he never met face- talking about, A.D.D.’s the ticket. be one, pickles would be two, let- Not so. Lew Houston’s stories to-face with any of the people that –Todd (A.D.D., PO Box 8240, tuce and pickles would be three, aren’t dark, depressing, self- contacted him, which strikes me as Tampa, FL 33674) etc.), and the way I see it, the only aggrandizing or self-immolating odd because he actually seems to two ways to eat a Waffle House (“My parents loved me…” he have some chemistry with some of AB #4, $2, 5 ½ x 8 ½, hamburger are dying of starvation unabashedly states in a vignette them. And of course, he responds to photocopied, 18 pgs. and really stoned. They also review about exploring the woods behind some people with that classic line Imagine that you’re the member of not wearing pants. I love it. –Josh his childhood home). They have the (Wasn’t it from Gone with the some earth-core, “information” col- (Michael Barton, 3230 Eagle Point simple ring of truth, and are related Wind?), “So do you want to fuck or lecting, punk clandestine organiza- West, Belton, TX 76513) in clear, unostentatious, and often what?” Not as funny as the stuff tion, like the CIA except without genuinely witty prose. Many of the that was in Genetic Disorder a cou- any connection to “the man.” BLURT! #2, 5 ½ x 4 ¼, $2, 82 pgs. episodes are mundane, which, as a ple of years back, but well worth Imagine that you receive a memo Lew, the guy who does Blurt!, lot of would-be memoirists would reading if you’re the voyeuristic from this organization, in the form seems to have a lot of potential as a be wise to note, amplifies their type. –Josh (Mishap, 941 56th St, of a no-frills zine, in your mail on a writer. The storytelling is very easy appeal and poignancy. This guy’s Oakland, CA 94608) monthly basis and you’d get Ab. to relate to, and his writing style is not bemoaning his life or trying to Sometimes schizophrenic, sporadi- natural and easy-going; it makes for build a myth around himself, he’s DIRT CULTURE, #11, Free, cally arranged, but mostly interest- perfectly enjoyable reading. Here’s just telling his stories – about his 8 ½ x 11, newsprint, 96 pgs. ingly informational. Example top- my problem: all too often, people childhood, his friends, his adven- This Las Cruces, New Mexico- ics: “Learning to speak Canadian who a) like punk rock, and b) write tures in punk rock – and leaving the based zine covers that unique scene English,” “I brush with sodium stories, seem to trip over them- reader to draw their own inferences. where punk, hardcore and metal all bicarbonate and calcium carbon- selves trying to combine the two. His writing is also marked by a self- walk hand in hand; a land populat- ate,” “Health dangers and benefits It’s great that Lew spends a lot of awareness and humility (but not ed by Hydra Head bands, beer cans, of soy products,” and my personal time listening to the Clash, but it’s disingenuous “I hate myself” shit) and moshing in the grandstand. In favorite “Using Gliders for not exactly gripping material and it that’s remarkably rare in the zine Dirt Culture you can find live show Transportation.” –Amy Adoyzie definitely doesn’t need to be men- world. The best vignettes are about reviews, a couple of band inter- (Dwelling Portably, PO Box 190, tioned on what seems like every trying to be a punk in Bumfuck, as views (like Artimus Pyle and I Philomath, OR 97370) other page. What does it have to do in “It’s Still Like This”: “I’d love to Farm) as well as ass loads of CD reviews. Printed before the elec- genre or political affiliation. So technical jargon to describe it prop- for? It’s all here! Thumbs up Rock tion, there’s a smattering of “get out while The Juniper seems more like erly. In lay terms, it’s got a really N Roll Purgatory! –Rob Ruelas and vote” stuff littered through out a pamphlet you’d pick up at your nice, textured cardstock slipcover (Rock N Roll Purgatory, PO Box the pages. Not a bad read when local anarchist bookstore than any- with some abstract painting in 771153, Lakewood, OH 44107; you’re on the shitter, but there’s thing you’d think of as a zine, if it greens and browns that goes over www.rocknrollpurgatory.com) nothing in Dirt Culture that makes wants to be called a zine that’s fine its equally nice regular cover. It’s you want to pick it up again and by me. Dealing with issues of sus- got thick, sturdy pages, and really ROCKNROLL PURGATORY again (except maybe locale—like if tainable living, The Juniper #2 is smooth grayscale inking. It just #14, 8 ½ x 11, $2, 48 pgs. you live in New Mexico). Biggest basically a good-natured polemic looks like money. The content itself Pretty much one of the best music complaint here: the reviews section about how science is great, but sci- is all comics and drawings, and it’s rags around. Not pretentious (the doesn’t list the bands in alphabeti- entists aren’t always to be trusted, worth mentioning that the noted cover is a picture of a gal sprawled cal order. Makes it difficult to refer- since they’re easily corrupted by Rough Trade musician Jeffrey out next to a toilet), not elitist (the ence in the case of reading a review “bloodsucking corporations” and Lewis is a contributor. These aren’t cover is a picture of a gal sprawled of a band that sounds interesting “The Man.” This admonishment amateur doodlings that get by on out next to a toilet), and not so high but then having to scour all the sets the stage for an argument for charm, these are professional or and mighty that they can’t take jabs pages to find it again. –Greg self-sufficiency through communi- borderline-professional artists and at themselves (the cover is a picture Barbera (Dirt Culture, PO Box ty gardening, and Dan Murphy’s cartoonists plying their trade, many of a gal sprawled out next to a toi- 4513, Las Cruces, NM 88003) reviews of communal gardens in in the Love and Rockets or Blankets let). They know their shit (toilet!), Boise are quite a bit more thought- style of skewed soap opera, others they’re excited about the music that DUDES MAGAZINE #5, ful and extensive than most music in Dan Clewes-type surrealist mis- they cover, and it doesn’t get much 8 ½ x 11, $5, 100 pgs. zine reviews. This zine’s very spe- anthropy or kitsch. Can something better than that. Super nice, too. Now, I know that reading isn’t as cific purview makes for a limited be this professional, cost eight The highlight for me was the hilar- high up on the list of Dudes audience, but if you’re living in a bucks and still be considered a ious interview with Kill the Priorities as, say, pounding co-op house and do a lot of com- zine? You be the judge. –Brian Hippies, but then again, the whole Heavies, getting mad lifted, or posting, it’s probably right up your Howe (Paping, PO 128, 45 E7 St., issue is pretty strong. scoping whirleybirds, but hear me alley. –Brian Howe (Dan Murphy, NYC, 10003, www.paping.org) Recommended. –Josh (PO Box out on this one. For about the same PO Box 6352, Boise, ID, 83707, 771153, Lakewood, OH 44107) price as a Big Bell Value Meal at [email protected]) POOL DUST, #30, $2, 8 ½ x 11, the Tock, you could get a hundred black & white, newsprint, ROCTOBER #38, $4.00, pages of the finest in Dudes KIMOSABE #2 lots of pages without numbers 8 x 10 ½, color newsprint cover, Literature, PLUS a CD full of soon- & LAZYBONES #3, Skate zine for old schoolers who newsprint insides, 111 pgs. to-be-classic bad jams! Not to put 5 ½ x 8 ½, $1 each, 24 pgs. chug tall boys of Bud while doing Roctober is a fascinating read. This too fine a point on it, but only a Two issues of the same zine. The grinds over the deathbox. For fans issue covers both a lot of rock and heinous douchebag would pass this name changed but the premise did- of Jay Adams, Smut Peddlers and TV, the juxtaposition of the two, up. If you don’t stay up to date on n’t so it gets one review instead of Nichols/Charnoski films. Imagine a with interesting little tidbits about your Dudes News, how will you two. It’s your basic glimpse into a Thrasher from 1984 made in significant events in T.V. history know whose new nickname is dude’s life: getting laid, getting Arizona and you’ve got the basic thrown in, especially noticeable Sergeant Soda? How will you know high, hating work, riding the bus, aesthetic of Pool Dust. –Greg were the tributes to those who have whether or not there’s some bunk eating, etc. Written well, seems like Barbera (Chris Lundry, PO Box passed into the great beyond and potatoes in the stew? How will you a nice guy, probably makes all his 419, Tempe, AZ 85280-0419) left impressions on both. It’s also know what Big Time says to Dudes friends laugh when they go out for packed with tons of interviews when he senses that they are rushin’ pizza, but I can’t say that there’s PROFANE EXISTENCE, #46, galore, including Snoop and King things a bit? Not reading Dudes anything about either issue of this $5, 4 x 6, glossy cover, Diamond, and reviews galore! Magazine is like buying yourself a zine that makes it stand out from bound, newsprint, 100 pgs. Thumbs up to Rocktober. –Rob one-way ticket to Bunk City. –Josh any other zine out there. Oh, wait, What you have here is one hundred Ruelas (Rocktober, 1507 E. 53rd (Dudes Mag, 714 Zeiss Ave., yes I can. Lazybones has the rad- pages of essential reading for the St.#617, Chicago, IL 60615; Lemay, MO 63125) dest cover art ever. I’m seriously crusty, anarcho-punk set. www.roctober.com) considering getting it tattooed on Interviews with Witch Hunt, FURY, THE #11, $1, me. –Josh (Marc Parker, 2000 NE Wolfbrigade, and The Profits, scene SCAM #5, 5 ½ x 8 ½, photocopied, 40 pgs. 42nd Ave #221, Portland, OR reports, in-depth coverage of the 8½ x 11, $5, pretty thick Chicago-based zine that begins 97213) C.L.I.T. Fest, and more angry anti- Like they say, changes had to come. with a story about cocaine, and I government sentiment than an Oi Iggy Scam now wishes to be known ain’t complaining cause it’s not L.A. SCENE REPORTER #13, Polloi/Zegota show. It’s good to see by his birth name, Erick Lyle, and some hipster-drenched, “Guess Free, 5 ½ x 8 ½, bullet belts and liberty spikes still this whole issue feels more mature. who I snorted with,” essay—it’s photocopied, 6 pgs. mean something to some people. It’s like he finally realized that if practically an academic study on Cripes, it’s the “Best of L.A./2004” You wanna smash the system? you want to get rid of the honkey the effects of the war on drugs in issue and running at six pages, it Profane Existence will help you get establishment, you have to do Bolivia. When was the last time seems that L.A. might be slim pick- started. Informative and engaging. something more than publish tips you nerded out about coke? ings, especially considering that the Headquartered on Minneapolis, on how to steal sodas from vending Speaking of nerding out… Follow scope of the bands/music that were read worldwide. –Greg Barbera machines. You kinda have to show three dudes as they deck out like chosen for various “Top 5”s seem (Profane Existence, PO Box 8722, some positive things, too, like ren- certifiable Revenge of the Nerds to always include some variation of Minneapolis, MN 55408) ovating an abandoned storefront to nerds for “Nerd Night 2” where Mika Miko, Kill Radio, or Naked make a community center where they hit up some booty clubs and Aggression. If I wanted some ROCK N ROLL PURGATORY people that feel left out of the main- steal women from the firm grasps teenager’s myopic “Best of” list, #14, $2.00, 8 ½ x 11, stream don’t have to be reminded of their men. I love it when the I’d build a faulty time machine and photocopied, 40 pgs. of the gentrification surrounding underdog gets some. –Amy revisit myself back in the day and I love this zine. I read it front to them. Or wheatpasting over anti- Adoyzie (Mark Novotmy, 5413 6th read one of my old lame zines. back. This zine reaches into the homelessness billboards in order to Ave., Countryside, IL 60525) –Amy Adoyzie (Nick G., 312 W. 8th chest cavity of Billy Music, yanks question the Care Not Cash initia- St., LA, CA 90014) that ol’ heart out, and sits there tive in the Bay Area. It’s nice to JUNIPER, THE #2, sucking the warm blood out. read about what people in the punk $0.37 (postage), 8 ½ x 11, 4 pgs. PAPING, #11 “Us and Them”, Wonderful interviews—including community can do when they get In our age of fluid identity and cap- $8, 8 ½ x 11, 64 pgs. Star Devils and Kill the Hippies— motivated. Fucking commendable. ital-S Selfhood, everyone has the I know that eight dollar price tag is coffin reviews, music reviews, –Josh (Erick Lyle, PO Box 40272, right to be identified however they hefty, but man, this zine’s design is show reports, and a custom ride SF, CA 94140) choose, in terms of gender, race, fucking gorgeous. I wish I had the spotlight. What more can you ask 105 STATIONAERY #2, Free, But you can’t complain much, tended to come off as a bit stan- college roommate works for the 6 ¾ x 9 ¾ , photocopied, 21 pgs. cause it’s free. –Amy Adoyzie (PO dardized (I kept waiting for the team and hooks you up with seats Literary zines are pretty touch and Box 98395, Atlanta, GA 30359; tough questions that make intervie- three rows behind the home team go, mostly filled with painful poet- www.stompandswagger.com/toyh) wees want to slug interviewers). dugout or in deep left center right ry and two-dimensional fiction. Also included is an interview with behind poster boy Brady Reading trite shit like that is akin UGLY PLANET #2, Protect organizer Grier Weeks. The Anderson, he of the long sidebars to skimming a freshman English $3.95, 7½ x 10, fiction here is pretty good, particu- and asexual orientation. That said, major’s journal, a common trigger glossy cover, off-set, 64 pgs. larly Jennifer Dauphinais’s creepy if baseball has been an important for murder-suicides. Fortunately, Awesome zine featuring insightful “Spokane” and Christopher part of your life, you’ll find your- Stationaery didn’t induce an urge interviews with Noam Chomsky, Staley’s “Da Jump Off,” which self relishing in the dedication and to kill and it was a rather pleasant artist Fly, Ozomatli, Trans Am, seems to tip its hat to the cryptic, hard work put into an issue of Zisk. read. Stories and poems from a Blood Brothers, Jean Grae, artist super-short style pioneered by I now live in the land of the diverse crew of writers that lulls Winston Smith and more! Plenty Hemingway so long ago. Durham Bulls, who like the O’s, you into a comfort zone, like of zines aspire to this type of –The Lord Kveldulfr have forsaken the classic, old you’re hearing stories from friends thoughtful journalism, but many (www.scissorpress.com) school vibe of a run down stadium of friends. –Amy Adoyzie (4456 fail without ever coming close. in favor of new school, fresh brick. Avenue de l’Hotel-de-Ville, –Amy Adoyzie (Ugly Planet, PO ZISK, #9, 7 x 8 ½ , Oddly enough, I believe the same Montreal, Quebec H2W 2H5, Box 205, New York, NY 10012; Xeroxed, 3.28 ERA people who designed the new Canada; www.stationaery.com) www.uglyplanet.com) Baseball is full of characters. And Bulls stadium designed Camden. the characters who fill baseball and Or at least they used one as an TAKE ON YOUR HEROES #5, VERBICIDE, #12, the people who follow them take example for the other. Upside is Free, 8 ½ x 11, $3.95, 8 ½ x 11, 64 pgs. their shit seriously. And for those that the Bulls games are $5 a pop, photocopied, 28 pgs. I like Verbicide for its willingness of you, we have Zisk. I grew up in not so for the Orioles. That said, I Here’s the dealy: this is one of and ability to maintain a liberal the suburbs of Maryland, just south hate baseball and have no use for those zines that interviews bands point of view without being in the of Bal’mer where Earl Weaver was Zisk, but when I send it to my old and record labels and reviews least bit whiny or self-righteous, meaner, angrier, and drunker than college roommate, he is going to stuff. Sounds harmless enough, instead opting for a thoughtful, Billy Martin and where Cal shit himself in excitement… and and it is, which is where it falters. even-handed approach towards its Ripken, Jr. is the patron saint of the then probably discuss it with color It’s pretty superficial and nothing agenda. Included per its s.o.p. are sport. Memorial Stadium was cool commentator Jim Palmer over too in depth. A description of this interviews, fiction and poetry. The with its cheap local brew (National beers at the bar while on the road issue from the zine itself reads, cover’s theme is nice and simple, Bohemian a.k.a. Natty Bo—$3 a in some godforsaken place like “features The Muffs, Knife Fight, “Have record label will rock!”, and 12-pack when I was a freshman in Cleveland. –Greg Barbera (Zisk, Deep Enough to Die, No Idea makes good on it’s boast by includ- college), bleacher seating, and old 801 Eagles Ridge Road, Brewster, Records, A Day in Black In White, ing interviews with Mike Park of school aesthetic. Then they built NY 10509) The Top 120 Punk Records and Asian Man, Dave Crider of Estrus, Camden Yards. Which is still a Record Reviews.” And it’s exactly and Gregg Ginn of SST. They were really cool place to see a ball that, nothing more, nothing less. fairly interesting interviews, but game, especially when your old American Elf However, it’s all in the details, and details by James Kochalka are what Loyola Chin and the San Peligran I first heard of James Kochalka through Order lacks. The ambitious, surreal story Ben Snakepit. I found the American Elf web- attempts to discern the difference between site (www.americanelf.com), and started weakness and strength, deliverance and reading some of the posted strips. It had a Armageddon. It pits high school sophomore strange effect on me: I didn’t necessarily like Loyola Chin against her food-induced mani- it, but I kept reading. When I saw this in the festations as she struggles with her weak- review pile, I moved it, and moved it daily, ened spiritual faith, an occasional manga but didn’t commit to taking it for about two theme. It’s an engaging premise, and the sur- weeks. real world Yang creates includes alien life This is a collection of over five years of forms and DNA-probing “eyeball robots.” It Kochalka’s daily one- to four-panel journal also features a pre-Columbian mentor/love comics. He draws himself as an elf, his interest named Saint Danger who runs a friend as a dog, another friend kind of looks secret society and has a penchant for sticking like a walking popover, and the majority of cables into young girl’s noses. That’s where everyone else looks probably pretty close to the problems begin. how they appear in real life, except with only Saint Danger, reminiscent of the Watcher in one eye, or no eyes, or sideways eyes. I was the old Silver Surfer comics, theorizes that hooked quickly and read through the whole Delivering pizzas. Menial jobs for low wages. humankind’s conquest of its environment has thing during three nights before-bedtime reading Most of us look forward to the day when we no spelled the end of evolution, leaving it vulnera- sessions. The majority of the strips concentrate longer have to work those crappy jobs. For Here ble to alien attack. After a much-too-long on his relationship with his wife, his cat, several or to Go is, as you may have guessed, a look speech, Saint Danger reveals his easy solution— friends, and himself. back at some of those crappy jobs. Some of them a simple answer from a simplistic, if well-inten- There were more than a few panels that had are out-and-out short stories, some of them come tioned, nemesis, which is symptomatic of a story me laughing out loud, but those were equalled, if across as a string of enjoyable anecdotes, and with two-dimensional characters. We learn that not outnumbered by those that just left me with there are a few brief interviews with random Saint Danger no longer believes in God, but little more than a “huh.” The relationship workers. For me, the interviews don’t really fit don’t know why. Nor do we learn about his ori- Kochalka has with his cat, Spandy, actually in, not because the people have nothing to say gins, which is the reason the climax fails to made me laugh the most. I’m not much of a cat but because the interviews are so short that they thrill. We don’t know the Saint or feel threatened person, but the Kochalka interacts with Spandy seem like more of an afterthought. At any rate, by him, so we don’t care what happens to him— as if she is human, which actually becomes real- the book succeeds because it’s so matter of fact. especially since the underdeveloped love story is ly funny. There’s no righteous Communist rhetoric about unconvincing. Add to that a kid who uses food It’s impossible for me to read this, let alone the toil and the suffering of the people, they as a hallucinogenic, her obtuse friend, a stereo- write about it, without drawing a parallel to don’t try and paint themselves as martyrs just typically chubby klutz, and an otherwise chal- Snakepit. There is something addictive in learn- because they’ve had to deliver pizzas, and it’s lenging tale loses its fizz. ing about characters/authors/artists through not definitely not a hard-hitting, Current Affair-style In all, Loyola Chin and the San Peligran only the highlights, but also through the small exposé. It’s like listening to a friend who has Order is a talky comic—low on action, charac- and mundane daily acts. Unlike how I feel logged a lot of hours in restaurants and really ter reaction and backgrounds, with a sensitive towards Ben, I don’t know if I’d like to know knows how to tell a story. If you’re currently voice but hollow characters. Because Yang often Kochalka. He seems like the kind of person who working a crappy job, it’ll cheer you up to know treats us to ingenious angles—offering bird’s I would know as an acquaintance, but we’d that somebody, somewhere, has it just as bad as eye views, a swooping time travel sequence, and never get beyond that because we approach sim- you, and if you’re not currently working a crap- imaginative dream scenes—it’s evident that he ilar situations in very different ways. This might py job, it’ll make you very thankful for that. is capable of much more, and I look forward to be why I felt like it was too awkward to be com- –Josh (Garrett County Press, 828 Royal St. seeing it. –Karla Pérez-Villalta (SLG fortable reading it. I wanted to step in and tell #248, New Orleans, LA 70116) Publishing, PO Box 26427, San Jose, CA, him to take back his words, or to let something
Bert Switzer: Second Chance: DVD ously fence-loving folks with a strong, pitbull-like The pieces of reviews and blurbs on the back of territoriality streaks. (And, by the way, which side the case all profess to the brilliance of the drumming of the fence are YOU on???) of Bert Switzer, former skinman for the Boston-area Looking stilted and grim, with a cheesy sancti- bands Monster Island and the Destroyed, and for the monious delivery that reminded me a little bit of the most part those reviews are right: the guy truly is psychic “Criswell” in Plan 9 from Outer Space, impressive. Where this DVD falls short, however, anchorman-wannabe Taylor informs us in no uncer- are the seemingly self-indulgent motivations in pro- tain terms that the “radical left and mainstream ducing it. I really do want to believe that there was media” have deceived the American public about a call on the part of the masses for this vid, but it America’s “moral obligation” to invade Iraq. He comes off much more readily as a blatant promo- then not-so-slyly implies that Buried in the Sand is tional tool than something produced to entertain, a reality check on the lies promulgated in infamous inform, or meet consumer demand. America-hater Michael Moore’s Fahrenheit 9/11. A huge chunk of this video is devoted to watch- Soon we delve into the choppy video images, culled ing Switzer perform drum solos, often in excess of from God only knows where, of Freddie Mercury- three minutes. Yes, the solos are impressive. Yes, looking guys in berets reading from the Koran just they get dull very quickly, if only because there are before breaking prisoners’ arms with clubs and slic- so many of them and they never seem to end. ing their sinful tongues in half. Fingers and hands Moreover, they tend to be shot from one angle and are hacked off as routinely as little kids cutting one angle alone: dead center facing Switzer in a Play-Doh logs in half—except this “Play-Doh” practice space. About half way through the DVD squirts blood. The remainder of the film is a brutal, there occurs a solo that was very good, if only because some production often confusing, hodge podge of harsh, sickening images of human value (different angles, close-ups, rudimentary computer enhancement, beings being sliced, diced, shot, blown up, ripped open, lashed, blud- etc.) had been added to jazz up what I was essentially looking at for the geoned, stoned, beheaded, and fricasseed all, apparently, in order to tenth time at that point. assuage the lurid appetites of the Great God Allah. Certainty, whether it’s That is not to say that Second Chance doesn’t have its strong points, religious or political or both, is a bad thing to have clogging up the though. The interviews with former bandmates are often quite interest- works inside human heads, as this film surely attests to. As utterly grue- ing, especially that of Owen Maercks (sadly, that interview is far too some as crimes against humanity are, the truth is that human rights vio- short), and in the course one is presented with some wonderfully obscure lations, torture, and war crimes are taking place all over our hate-happy footage and tales from rock’n’roll history, always a good thing. The most little globe, so the question then begs to be asked, what’s America’s entertaining bit, though, was a conference-call jam between Switzer and “moral obligation” to those suffering similar fates in countries other than former Destroyed frontman J.D. Jackson. But as with the footage of Iraq? other bandmates, I felt that it was too short and seemed to be included The funny—or sad—thing is that while the people behind this film for good measure rather than to provide a complete picture of Switzer’s seem confident that B.I.T.S. is a deft riposte to Fahrenheit 9/11, the out- past and present. Topically, this is quite an interesting subject; a blurb of-context, largely unexplained video images crammed into this film from Reviewer Magazine claims that someone should make a documen- present a “focus” that is so recklessly unfocused that you come away tary on Switzer. I agree, because as it is now, Second Chance can’t stand thinking that either all Middle Eastern people are homicidal religious on drum solos alone, and a good filmmaker could turn this into some- kooks or that the people who cobbled this snuff film together are sim- thing truly worthwhile. –The Lord Kveldulfr (www.bertswitzer.com; pletons of such staggering dimwitted-ness as to rival that of G.W. him- www.onewayproductions.com) self. Buried in the Sand paints its points with such a large, sloppy brush that it’s virtually inevitable that some slower-thinking people will come Buried in the Sand: away from the film with a dimly lit notion that all Muslims are to be The Deception of America: DVD regarded, at the very least, with utmost suspicion. Such an obvious, This film is a chilling—and often hard to watch—study of the crass heavy handed attempt to ensnare people’s fears and fire up their hate on over-simplifications and blood-thirsty zealotry of both the lap dogs of such a purely visceral level is right out of Jingoism 101. the far right here in America, as well as that of the Islamic extremists, Interestingly, many of the people responsible for B.I.T.S. don’t even presumably in Iraq, the country with whom we’re presently at war. I, for reveal their full names in the credits at the end of the film, opting instead one, feel that the impassioned patriots who put together Buried in the for anonymous abbreviations. I just think that seems a bit odd for such Sand should be applauded for presenting us with this brave and unblink- chest-thumpingly proud patriots as these. Surely Charlton Heston or ing look at just what can go wrong when human heads and hearts get John Wayne wouldn’t wuss out and go by “Chuck H.” or “J. Wayne.” clogged up with absolute certainty. It takes no more than a minute or two But maybe it’s that these abbreviated souls, somewhere in the flickering into the film before we have the cow pie of certainty slapped into our storms rumbling in their neocortexes, have a vague sense that Buried in faces when faux-anchorman Mark Taylor seats himself purposefully in the Sand is an unintentionally multi-layered mess of all the naked, bar- the middle of a darkened set with chain-link fences all around. Even the baric ugliness of both extreme religious zealotry and partisan political cover of the DVD has the fence motif, with a determined looking Dubya myopia knotted up together in a sloppy symbiotic 69 position. And that, (and Old Glory) on one side of the fence and a shabby Saddam (post spi- furthermore, religious zealotry and partisan myopia are the two stinking der hole) looking menacing on the other side. The producers are obvi- ends of the rotten turd of so-called “faith-based” think- 111 ing (and to say that is to besmirch the good name of excrement). Unlike about. Your thoughts might go something like this: “What a bunch of the people featured in this film and the people behind the making of this bored, nerdy white people. And all they talk about is themselves. There film, certainty is not my strong suit, but I can tell you this much: life only is nothing important or groundbreaking on here. This DVD sucks. I appears this black and white in the dilated eyes of true believers, on should have picked up the Bush’s Brain documentary. Or maybe the whatever side of the fence. I’m confident that Buried in the Sand is Disinformation DVD collection. Damn!” The quality of the footage isn’t bound to be the Plan 9 of propagandistic schlock-umentaries and a sure- spectacular, but I guess it adds to the DIY feel, and it’s not like you’d fire boner-maker for the ghouls who are titillated by the Faces of Death expect special effects in a documentary about zines. I’ve written, put genre. There will be some squeamish folks, I imagine, who will suggest together, and read many a zine, and never have I said to myself “I wish that Buried in the Sand deserves to be buried in the litterbox. I don’t there was a documentary about this”—have you? agree. This film is too invaluable a study of Contracted Human Microcosm, I hate to say this, but this DVD stinks and it was a big Awareness; it lays bare, on more levels than the filmmakers realize, the waste of your money, not to mention my time. Two enthusiastic thumbs most constipated backwaters of the human mind, where dogma and its down. What am I gonna do with this DVD now? I can’t even bring procrustean enforcement tactics dwell. You would be hard pressed to myself to give it as a gift and pretend I bought it for someone, because find a more jarring illustration of what the Discordians mean when they it sucks so bad. –Mr. Z (Microcosm) say “convictions cause convicts.” One final note, I would like to strong- ly recommend that you do not do as I did and watch this film while Leatherface: Boat in the Smoke: DVD attempting to eat lasagna. –Aphid Peewit (www.buriedinthesand.com) Here’s how I look at it: there has to be balance. For every baby- killing, soul-crushing, write-a-song-for-another-pool aging rocker like A Hundred Dollars and a T-Shirt: DVD Eric Clapton in the universe that the national press seems to have an The sleeve says this documentary DVD contains over sixty-four ever-lasting load of cum to supersoak society’s ears with there has to be hours of zine-type footage. What?! I don’t think I watched all of it then. an opposite force of equal weight. A powerful force. That force is Or maybe I did? I don’t know. But, really, who in their right mind would Leatherface. You could be an asshole and say this DVD is just “Old want to spend that much time watching interviews and zine festival dudes standing virtually still,” and to the uninitiated, you’d be right. footage? SIXTY-FOUR HOURS? I LOVE zines, but come on. I think They’re not pretty to look at. They don’t move a lot (barring the occa- the most important lesson found here is if you really are into the zine sional patented “Frankie Shuffle”). Frankie’s got a Lemmy Motörhead scene, you should spend your time doing what you do best: making gruff voice. That’s not the point. The point almost seems antiquated. amazing zines and circulating them. Per many of the zine-makers inter- This DVD has what Leatherface does best: write immaculate songs and viewed in the documentary, the only way to know what a zine is is to play with hearts as big as barges while not shying away from the warts make one. So true. And if you are positive you can’t make one due to of existence. The way the threesome plays their instruments makes you lack of funds or originality, you are always welcome to go get some to believe they’re making more than just sounds, but are shaping meaning read. There’s no harm in that! Reading is fun! out of thin air. The multi-camera footage and from-the-board sound is So, this DVD may bore many zinesters, but what about the unin- excellent. The DVD includes an entire fifty-seven minute show (pep- formed public? I’m pretty sure those who aren’t into zines or have no pered with songs both new and old), bonus songs from the band’s home- idea what zines are, are not very likely to watch such a long, drawn-out town of Sunderland in 2001 (and Chris Wollard of Hot Water film as this. Imagine you were someone who doesn’t give a shit about Music on rhythm guitar for “Not Superstitious”), and an inter- what zines are or who makes them, but figure this could be an interest- view with Frankie Stubbs. Wonderful stuff. I still get chills ing documentary and you might as well figure out what the hype is all when I hear “Springtime.” –Todd (www.punkervision.net)