Voodoo Waltz for Epileptics Janja Rakuš Voodoo Waltz for Epileptics Janja Rakuš Copyright © by Janja Rakuš Copyright for This Edition © by Janja Rakuš

Afterword: Dušan Rutar voodoo waltz for epileptics Funded by Municipality of Slovenska Bistrica.

cip - Kataložni zapis o publikaciji Narodna in univerzitetna knjižnica, Ljubljana

821.163.6-3

rakuš, Janja Voodoo waltz for epileptics / [[text and] illustrations] Janja Rakuš ; [afterword Dušan Rutar ; translation Nataša Šilec]. - 1st ed. - Slovenska Bistrica : iGogh Port, 2014

isbn 978-961-283-150-9

276118528 iGogh Port 2014 Hypergraphic Pilgrimage in 36 hours When I fall I’ll weep for happiness. samuel beckett

When I fail to fall I’ll froth with sadness. janja rakuš s c a r , i.s p e l l And the world is full of enchanting, delicate and delightful stories. But tonight it won’t be. Tonight they’ll make a movie. About us. the first hour

I’m a man. I’m not a woman. I’m a man imitating a woman. I’ve never been a woman. I’ve never bought Always Ultra Sensitive pads with a supple and soft top layer. I don’t know what it means to feel-and-breathe-like-a-woman. I do know what it means to feel-like-a-man-that-dresses- and-acts-like-a-woman. I never wanted to change my sex. I’m not a female-soul-trapped-in-a-man’s-body. I don’t want to have a vagina. I don’t drink morning cocktails with estrogens, estradiols, estrones and a slice of lime. Having a vagina doesn’t necessarily mean having a wonder- ful life. A life for all four seasons. The seasons that are disappearing. I work as a man dressed up as a woman in Spring and Fall, so that I can travel as a man dressed as man in Summer and Winter.

Nine in the morning. Red Light District.

13 Green Cabaret. facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend. Barndesteeg 19. Sex Tornado dipped in a Chinese dish.

I’m still only a man imitating a woman. g i o I change with ease the size and shape of my breasts, the col- r f our of my lips and fingernails. e a Manicure, pedicure, extensions, body painting. e m l n o Again and again I represent and reinvent my body, just like t g every generation again and again represents and reinvents c h o Jesus Christ. a e s Our Lord. b a b Revelation 1:17-18: … Do not be afraid. I am the First and the r a Last. I am the Living One; I was dead, and now look, I am alive e r for ever and ever! And I hold the keys of death and Hades. t t e They call me orfan. n d e r

14 the second hour Men above. click Welcome to the tender breast lazaretum. The archaeology of the stars. click The sky over Amsterdam. Welcome to the tender breast lazaretum. The rooftop on which the secret of the earth meets the se- A beautiful and quiet sanctuary for travellers, pilgrims, cret of the stars. atheists, fundamentalists, fetishists, businessmen, wan- click derers, sailors, steersmen, salesman, hunters, the blue- We are here since 1855. eyed, dark-eyed, one-eyed, toothed, toothless and other We are expecting you at any hour. lovers of the dna double helix. In any weather. click Without alcohol, without drugs. Welcome to the tender breast lazaretum. click Just around the corner is the famous and notorious Red Another interesting titbit! Light District which can easily be avoided. click A quiet and enchanting garden with a pond. In the school year of 1876/77, Vincent van Gogh taught reli- The heart of the oldest part of Amsterdam. gious education in this very building. That was his evangeli- click cal period. Welcome to the tender breast lazaretum. click Once upon a time, only seconds before the Big Bang, Hermes 29 October 1876 brought little Heracles to Mount Olympus and Zeus laid click him at the breast of the sleeping goddess Hera. When Hera Vincent’s First Sermon awoke, she was outraged and ripped the baby that was not click her own away from her breasts, spilling the milk of the gods Psalm 119:19: I am a stranger on earth; do not hide your com- across the sky in the shape of the Milky Way. mands from me. click click One hundred and eighty-seven beds. Welcome to the tender breast lazaretum. Separate bedrooms. The peculiarities of our lazaretum are also god’s Pilates from Women below. Nazareth, midnight prayers, a complimentary Saturday

16 17 soup, chess, table football, table tennis, Ludo board game Het Nieuwe Testament. and free access to the Jesus Daily website on the Facebook Blue colour, golden letters. social network. click Father said that the Bible is God’s Word. 15,877,865 people like Jesus Daily. The Living Water. click The Trough of Life. Welcome to the tender breast lazaretum. But all I knew about living beings at the time, was only that We are a non-profit, charity storeroom of God. every being you love will die some day. click Father’s advice was also that it would be better for me to Master Card, Visa, Cash read only Matthew’s Gospel every day, because it’s the most click accurate, true and Protestant. John’s Gospel is too mystical. - I first spoke to Jesus when he was already dead, said wil- Mark’s vulgar. helmina, a tender breast lazaretum protégé, and folded Luke’s sentimental. the morning copy of the Metro newspaper. And I last saw my Father at my uncle Cornelius’ funeral, she Het Nieuwe Testament. continued and nibbled on her breakfast. Blue colour, golden letters. Pancakes and Milk. Our little village, she smiled and swallowed the crispy On the back cover there was a printed vow that I, Wilhelmi- dough. na Zeldenthuis, accept Jesus Christ as my Personal Saviour. In it, the one-and-only Church. At the funeral, Father was dressed in his once-a-Protestant- Romans 10:9: If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” always-a-Protestant brown crushed velvet suit. and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, The Church offered us a Menu and the Pastor told us to you will be saved. choose two Hymns, one Psalm and three Prayers. As though we were ordering Chinese food in the Chang Ex- I still like to read Matthew’s Gospel and I know that Reli- press restaurant at the corner of the Warmoestraat Street. gion is the natural state of the human Heart. The only thing ever given to me by my Father as a gift was But why is it easier to fly to the Moon than to believe in the plastic pocket issue of the New Testament. God?

18 19 facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend. the third hour

d i t 3-2-1 i s h I breathe a e 3-2-1 r i I write y t b i I’m an Epileptic Archive. o a b With the help of synaptic Pens and neurochemical Ink I f l write down my Falls and my Ecstasies. s e a i ? 3-2-1 n I breathe t 3-2-1 h t I speak i o e I’m looking for a New Language, Space and Formula. f s t 3-2-1 e I breathe a 3-2-1 l I speak

I’m a Social Experiment in receiving what I don’t want and not what I want.

21 I give you my Life, flash Credit Card, I confirm the Patient Paradox Health Insurance, flash Facebook Profile, This will be a long Path Nutella flash and my Fears. And I’ll be the only Pilgrim flash 3-2-1 Ley Lines I breathe flash 3-2-1 Archaic Topography I walk flash Journey of Spirit This is my First Death flash flash Into ancestral worlds Walkman of Misery flash flash Vincent Van Gogh iPod of Love flash flash Arthur Rimbaud iTouch of Spirit flash flash I’ve put on the shoes of my ancestors Arles-Marseilles flash flash I’m ready for Death 73.8km flash flash So I don’t forget flash My name is Brother flash I enjoy the Theatre of Falling

22 23 facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend. the fourth hour

a t o In the beginning, they asked me: Why did you decide to be- r h f come a Lawyer? t e h s - Because of Money and Faces. u a y I wanted to observe the faces of people who lie. r r n They-say-one-thing-and-think-another. c a Criminals, politicians, clerics and bankers. r h e I thought that the night medley of the Underworld would i a s help me to learn about the Mystery of human passions and m e t memory. b o h a l e We grew up with the same TV shows. u o s We remember the exciting and sentimental life of sitcom d g i families in detail, whereas we talk about ours only with the y a help of Twitter confessions and Facebook albums nowadays.

But that was yesterday.

Today, they ask me: Excuse me, how is it to be an Epileptic? click http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHHszByuZKk&list=P - It’s the same as being a Slovenian. You get used to it. LolSBewK6uYvJlhqIlzOl_bKC2pKFEMP6&index=4* click It’s all here.

* http://www.youtube.com/user/TheSowersower - Desert All my past. versus Empire, part 4/11 (Cirkulacija 2, Arhur Rimbaud) Ordered.

24 25 Archived. Zig Zag! Classified. Nothing new under the Sun Dated. Labelled. Zig Zag!

My city, my dreams: maribor In our movement we believe that racial hierarchy exists. My law firm: ivana stropnik, medusa & partners Whites at the top, Blacks at the bottom. Asians, Arabs and Latinos somewhere in-between. Someone, I can’t remember who any more, told me: However, the Jews. yes - Hey, you look like Richard Dawkins’ photo robot with a bob The Jews are a disease. haircut. Virus. Super Bacteria. The same smile. The same look. Zig Zag! What a coincidence. The miraculous genome. Did you ever fuck a Jewish woman? It’s all here. The Jewish women like to suck. All my past. And the Jewish men are obsessed with getting sucked. My first anti-epileptic. Depakine Chrono. Why? My last client. Alex Ribič. The leader of the neo-Nazi spring. Because a Jewish man is, in his essence, a woman. He recorded My Manifesto and sold it at the Maribor mar- The real men, Whites, Catholics, ket. we fuck a woman. He also published a video clip on the You Tube website. The Jews hate penetration. Pleasure. Zig Zag! It’s weakness. My Little Black Box Zig Zag! Zig Zag! This is my Confession

26 27 It is obvious that the Jews control the media and banks. The Jews emphasise the difference. And in business, they are the same as in bed. Between the Sacred and Secular. They destroy our Tradition. Between Meat and Milk. They are uprooting our roots. Wool and Linen. The real people draw their talent from earth, sun and sea. The Sabbath and Week.

Zig Zag! and why do we hate the jews? do you really want to know? A Jew is a tramp. A nomad. We hate them because they exist. Can’t even hammer a nail in. And that’s the only reason. Plough a field. Forget about swastikas, crematoriums and soap. Takes a universal outlook on everything. That’s obsolete. Buys, sells, invests, manipulates. Like a Sunday picnic. Herein lays his Power. Zig Zag! Zig Zag! What’s important today is the Labour Market. Look at the most renowned Jewish minds. Flexible Labour Market. Marx, Freud, Einstein. Total Market. What have they given us? Free Market. Communism, infantile sexuality and the atomic bomb. Class struggle, irrational needs and relativity. And the market is not interested in who you are. Why? Maybe we are all Jews these days. Because they want Infinity. What’s the difference? Vanity. Infinite Vanity. Zig Zag! My Little Black Box Zig Zag! Zig Zag!

28 29 This was my Confession facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend. Zig Zag! Nothing new under the Sun

Of course he was convicted. One year and three months. And was immediately granted pardon. And then, convicted again. A fine. €1,500. What for? A part of the recorded text is not his intellectual property. It’s a sequence from a film, The Believer. This doesn’t mean that Alex Ribič is an anti-Semite. It doesn’t mean that Alex Ribič is a neo-Nazi. Alex Ribič is merely a shrewd-and-adaptable Thief.

Zig Zag!

The Law is void. b y d y p t t The Garden and the Snake. r o o o i h h What is written cannot be changed. o u n u t e a That’s why lawyers keep their mouth shut. a r ‘ r y y t d s t c e e t h a l h n h a s f a e e t t t m m e e i e 30 s the fifth hour Seizures arise in the part of the brain that controls memory and emotions.

During seizure, a person is trapped in an epi-tentacle of in- facebook. Moon’s First Quarter. Notes. tensive emotions of anger or fear and surrounded by hallucinatory voices, visions and vibrant flashes. 1888. Seizures usually last several minutes, rarely an hour, and The South of France. a person can make automatic, sometimes also aggressive, A doctor from the countryside makes a lucid diagnosis. movements which he or she doesn’t remember later. His patient, a thirty-five year old Dutch painter, is delirious, frightened, depressed, and suffering from hallucina- At the end of the 19th century, temporal lobe epilepsy was an tions and amnesia. unknown phenomenon in medicine. It was first described He’s afraid he’ll go mad. by the English neurologist John Hughlings Jackson. If he hasn’t already. At that time, the only accessible research was patient’s bio graphy. Dr. Felix Rey writes in his patient’s file: Dr. Felix Rey lends an attentive ear to Vincent van Gogh. - Mister Vincent van Gogh suffers from a special form of epilepsy. Epileptic seizures arise due to electrical, chemical or physical changes in the brain. In van Gogh, assumed Dr. Rey, the Today, this special-form-of-epilepsy is called Temporal cause was physical. Lobe Epilepsy. Van Gogh’s birth in 1853, in a little village called Zundert in the Netherlands, was long and hard. If a baby is cut off from See also: Temporal lobes & Limbic system the supply of oxygen for a few moments due to a prolonged click wait in the canal, the lack of oxygen damages brain cells and See also: Status Epilepticus leaves a scar. click Dr. Rey notices a pronounced asymmetry of van Gogh’s face.

32 33 It’s a sign of a damaged part of one side of the brain. In this “the light that dawns in the darkness”. Well then, who will most case, the right side. certainly need it, who will have an ear to hear it? The dna Archive of Van Gogh family: severe forms of grand mal epilepsy and psychiatric disorders. The Church forbids him to spread the Gospel and expels Since childhood, Vincent suffers from acute headaches, him from its freshly-white-painted-walls. stomach pains, vertigo and depression. After ten-and-lonely-years he abandons Religion. He avoids people and hopes to continue his father’s mission He finds his passionate-and-only-Love. of being a Protestant Pastor. art.

December 1876: … it was a stormy evening, you can imagine His unpredictable and eccentric behaviour intensifies how beautiful the road to Princenhage was with the dark clouds flash with their silver linings. I also went briefly to the Roman Cath- Mystic visions tattooed with images of the cosmic Christ olic church, where evening Mass was under way, it was a beau- flash tiful sight, all those peasants and their wives with their black Terrible stomach pains, loss of appetite, unbearable hallu- clothes and white caps, and the church looked so friendly in the cinations evening light. flash

In Belgium, he changes into a God’s-Electric-Madman. Dr. Rey prescribes potassium bromide for him. He subsists on bread and water, wears Who’ll-make-a-shirt- Anti-epileptic of the 19th century. for-Vincent clothes*, takes care of the poor and sick miners Slightly relieves hallucinations. and spreads the Gospel in the drum’n’erase beat. The storm within, as van Gogh named one of his recur- ring seizures, is a real synaesthetic sauce spiced with feel- November 1878: You surely know that one of the root or funda- ings of fear, anger, bliss and a flood of forced-upon memo- mental truths, not only of the gospel but of the entire Bible, is ries … During my illness I again saw each room in the house at Zundert, each path, each plant in the garden, the views round * tn: The phrase “Who’ll-make-a-shirt-for-Vincent” refers to a widely popu- about, the fields, the neighbours, the cemetery, the church, our lar Slovenian children’s book Kdo bo napravil Vidku srajčico (Eng. Who’ll make a kitchen garden behind — right up to the magpies’ nest in a tall shirt for little Vid) which narrates a story about a boy who comes from a poor family and is always the last to receive the tattered clothes already worn by his acacia in the cemetery. six older brothers and sisters.

34 35 And the more the illness weakens the link between his mind a colour, and about their flame-like aspect. I’m thinking and body, the thicker the layers on his canvases become. of it but I don’t dare do it either, and say like Isaäcson, who is cautious, that I don’t yet feel that we’ve reached Catechism of Modern Art that point. flash flash Codex of Light flash In the 20th century, psychiatrists-and-the-remaining-medi- Alchemical Mandalas cal-journalism-neuro-care intentionally overlook the diag- flash nosis made by Dr. Felix Rey in 1888. A competition in chant- Visual perception changes into excessive sensitivity ing and discovering new diagnoses begins. flash Saint-Rémy-de-Provence, February 1890 Vincent van Gogh is an insane and delirious artists with a flash cut-off ear, schizophrenia, syphilis, manic depression, sun- Now the illness makes me very sensitive, and for the mo- stroke, Ménière’s disease, bipolar disorder, glaucoma, dia- ment I don’t feel capable of continuing these “transla- betes and liver dysfunction. tions” when it would involve such masterpieces. He drinks absinthe, smokes corn leaves, has bad eyesight flash and is drowning in Oedipus’ pool of animalistic passions, From potatoes and eaters, to the fields of wheat and the sower all of which is also proved by thick layers of yellow being flash thrown onto his canvas with just his hands. I’m stopping with the sower, which is in progress and isn’t coming along as would be desirable. However, being At the opposite end of the diagnostics room, neurologists ill, I thought a lot about continuing this work, and that slowly learn, research and, at last, recognize and admit that when I do it I do it calmly, you’ll see it soon when I send Vincent van Gogh is a Classic Example of a man with Tem- the five or six finished canvases. poral Lobe Epilepsy. flash Electric trees, torch and a paintbrush August 1888 flash flash The landscapes with the cypresses! Ah, that wouldn’t be My dear Theo easy. Aurier feels it too when he says that even black is flash

36 37 Then the doctors will tell us that not only Moses, Moham- facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend. med, Christ, Luther, Bunyan and others were mad, but also Frans Hals, Rembrandt, Delacroix and all the good, narrow- minded old ladies like our mother as well. Ah — that’s serious, that is. i i y b We could ask these doctors, where, then, are the sensible g p o u people? o h u t flash g o r h n i e s g a o i v g s i h o n u i o r s t click click

38 the sixth hour This is the Time, when your every day changes into a sequence, music into a soundtrack, dress into a costume, My little room. conversation into a dialogue, A room for two seasons. sigh into stage directions. Spring. Fall. This is your Life. Red Light District. Your Porno-kiri. Green Cabaret. Instead of thrusting a sword into your stomach, you’re Blue neon lights. banging squashy, small, big, fat and flabby asses who want to hear that even the worst blow job is nicer than the smell This is your story caught in a blow-job-synopsis with the ad- of the elder tree and every amateur redtube more magnifi- dition of Vaseline Extra. cent than the sunset in full-hd.

This is the Space, where every vat becomes a Salvation, every blow job a Confession, every pimp a Priest.

40 41 facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend. the seventh hour

s t l l o h i i I first caught sight of Wilhelmina in front of theAlbert Heijn n e f f supermarket in the Niewmarkt square. g e e She was folding the remnants of the morning copy of the o Metro newspaper and surveying absent-mindedly the vi- f n a s brant cosmopolitan promenade that she didn’t understand. o l n t r y d a Saturn’s daughter. r l d p t 1,90m. o i o s 70kg. v f r Long, slender, almost skeletal fingers, a perfect anatomy e f n w for the Advanced drawing course. r e o i Huge depending-on-Rembrandt’s-light-after-the-rain blue s r g t eyes. e r h Grey-white hair that looked like waxed shoelaces were fall- n a ing on her frail shoulders. c p a e h n Outfitted in the Zeeman shop: swimming-pool-coloured y woolly sweater (€1,99), dark blue synthetic tracksuit (€4,99). b o Shod in the Waterlooplein market: aquamarine leather moc- e i r casins (€7,00). t s g w a Age. e s Maybe fifteen. e m n 43 Maybe hundred. facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend. Most likely around fifty.

I was buying cigarettes and rucola when she spoke to me. w o o - I first spoke to Jesus when he was already dead. i , , l - Heh. I never did. I was always more interested in what Je- d s b sus hadn’t said. e o i a r When I was five, I believed that I can draw such a Line that s d will help me to recreate the Universe and make me a God. s e Do-it-Yourself. t o r Be-your-own-Saviour. h n This was my thin, deviant, slightly curved line. e ! l i Today, I know that a Line which would transform a human w n into a God doesn’t exist. i e The ultimate border of the world cannot be drawn neither n ! by God nor the Adobe Illustrator. d It can be crossed, however.

That’s why I still like my thin, deviant, slightly curved line. The line I crossed long ago.

Once you cross your Line, you simply continue crossing it.

44 the eighth hour No one spoke. No one whispered. When the storyteller falls silent, the stories spontaneously arise. - Wilhelmina, waved the manager with keys hung around Uninvited. his neck. You are moving to the big room today and this is your last night. - I always wanted to become a Holy Child and rewrite the Our charity group assessed that a three week stay with us story of the Original Sin. I wanted to erase the Apple, poi- was enough. We’ll keep praying for you and you’ll be missed. son the Snake and transform its venom into a Grapevine. Have a good day! But that was forty-seven years ago. - Okay, she turned pale and remained sitting, frozen behind the computer under the large window through which a gen- Our little village. tle autumn light was streaming. Our big Church. Our Mother. She just checked her Jesus Daily Always dressed in black. click Black for family life. Psalm 91:1, 2: Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will Black for church life. rest in the shadow of the Almighty. Our family. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, Every emotion is a sign of decadence. in whom I trust.” Every touch pornography. click Everything happens because-of-and-according-to-God’s- 83,666 people liked it, one of them exclaimed OMG Will. click Nothing was discovered. Everything was expected. There was no one in the corridor of tender breast, the pleasant sanctuary for travellers. Darkness in our little village was absolute. Wilhemina sat under the curved arch bearing a large in- Pure and natural. scription jesus our lord. The stars hid behind the bell tower.

46 47 Nothing could be seen. Less than Dust. Everything could only be dreamt of. To Molecules of Dust.

Pastor always said that those churches, which were built Less than Molecules of Dust. somewhere-far-away, were merely big Shops selling even To a user account of Molecules of Dust. bigger lies fabricated at the Big Factory in Rome. And then it happened. When my father was angry, and angry he almost always I was thirteen. was, he bellowed and waved his hands like an amateur- stand-up-tragic. Father solemnly invited me into the kitchen. We sat down behind the table. You are nothing! He opened two wooden boxes. Can you hear me? The first one contained a Bible. Nothing! Big, black, leather-bound, with golden letters. No one sees you. The other contained a gun. No one hears you! Small, black, almost ladylike. Not even Satan. Hell Cat P-32 auto. Can you hear me? You are less than nothing! He was happy. Can you hear me? He looked at me serenely and said.

I always wanted to say that the less-than-nothing records Wilhelmina, my child! Your Soul is perfect and let it remain are Sin because they describe the time before Christ, but I thus. was too scared. He opened the Bible and started reading aloud. I pictured myself in a less-than-nothing form. Luke 18:17: Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the king- In a few billion years, we’ll all return to Dust. dom of God like a little child will never enter it.

48 49 He closed his eyes. See also: Tegretol cr is a carbamazepine. It inhibits the Took a deep breath. arousal of nerve cells and transmission of signals in the Opened his eyes. central nervous system. Shot me. click And missed. I ran out of the kitchen. This is Heaven in your mouth, said my Aunt, handed me a glass of water and took a black, leather-bound Bible from a The only thing that surrounded me was a damp Dutch fog. white wooden chest of drawers. Behind it, there was Darkness. And then, the Light. Luke 9:38-42: … “Teacher, I beg you to look at my son, for he is my only child. A spirit seizes him and he suddenly screams; 1 Corinthians 15:51-52: Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not it throws him into convulsions so that he foams at the mouth. all sleep, but we will all be changed - in a flash, in the twinkling It scarcely ever leaves him and is destroying him. I begged your of an eye, at the last trumpet. disciples to drive it out, but they could not.” “You unbelieving and perverse generation,” Jesus replied, “how In a few days, I woke up. long shall I stay with you and put up with you? Bring your son I was lying in a white wooden bed. here.” Aunt’s room. Even while the boy was coming, the demon threw him to the I was too weak to get up. ground in a convulsion. But Jesus rebuked the impure spirit, I felt pain in every bone. healed the boy and gave him back to his father. My aunt said that I’ve met an Angel and danced-three-days- and-three-nights with him. - And this is Heaven on Earth, added the Aunt and left the room. She gave me a white pill. Tegretol cr.

See also: anti-epileptic medicine click

50 51 facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend. the ninth hour

s s d u u r 3-2-1 n n i I walk d d v 3-2-1 a a e I talk y y 3-2-1 w iTouch s i i 3-2-1 c s t iRecord h h o a I’ve put on the shoes of my Ancestors, o a secured a new iPod to my belt. l s n i Left, Right l a Arthur, Vincent e n n g I photograph my Thoughts, t r record my Voice. y Left, Right f Arthur, Vincent a t Sacral Footprints, h Mythological Jazz. e r

53 Left, Right Gallery of Provence Sun, Arthur, Vincent Portal of Temporal Lobe.

Arles-Marseille, Left, Right I’ve been walking for almost seven hours. Arthur, Vincent

Left, Right Neurotransmitter Highway. Arthur, Vincent Left, Right I’m walking on the Milky Way, Vincent, Arthur performative matrix of electromagnetic paths. Gong of Ancestors, Drum of Shamans, Left, Right Inquisitiveness of Scientists. Arthur, Vincent Left, Right Vincent’s Cypresses, Arthur, Vincent Arthur’s Paths. Is human species genetically programmed to believe in God? Left, Right Arthur, Vincent Is there a God’s Module in the Brain?

I’m walking along a dragon’s line, Left, Right a fertile file of Vincent, Arthur Visions and Memory. My Theatre of Falling Left, Right flash Arthur, Vincent My Electric Stonehenge flash

54 55 My Temporal Remix Left, Right flash Vincent, Arthur

Left, Right 45°C is an Alchemical Oven, Arthur, Vincent in which every Thought transforms into an Epiphany, every Emotion into a triumphant Metaphor. Does a Sacred Temple truly exist in the Temporal Lobe or is everything just a comic configuration of synaptic paths? Left, Right Arthur, Vincent A touch of an Angel or a Lithium-after-party? My Little Scar Left, Right flash Vincent, Arthur My 250mg of Keppra flash Walking is an Anatomical Trance. Practice, Improvisation, Repetition and Imagination.

Left, Right Arthur, Vincent

Asepta Classic. For disinfecting blisters and protecting wounds.

Left, Right Arthur, Vincent

The Wound is Blood tattooed with Sun.

56 57 facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend. the tenth hour

p s m b o o y r facebook. Full Moon. Notes. s m a t e p i The problem of writing is Time. t r n A story written after it happened. m i e Darkness faster than Light. o m - Fear stronger than Courage. d e i e s n The best stories are the in-between spaces, r t lost during carefree wanderings. n i e r From Church to a Bank. p m n From the Bank to a Whore. r i e From the Whore to a Bridge. o s t From the Bridge to a Seizure. p s From the Seizure to a Seizure. h e A good story is an incarnation of Laughter and Pain. t flash Poison and Cure flash Pharmakon flash

In Phaedrus, according to Egyptian great god-king Thamus, writing would allow humans to extend their memories and

59 share information, however, what is more important is that facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend. writing would allow humans to rely too much on these external means of recording. n t o h c t s a t o f o h f o l h o n h n i Our memories would wither and fail s i w i i u d e l click t s n c s n a e Our notes and records would replace our minds a o t k d w s n , click l i t o i s h u f g s e a s , e n m i And if great-god-king Thamus would be available for a Call, i s o n n , p l I would post on his Wall: a t r d t v 3 e h a g h i w w , I can Google my memories better that I can remember them e n a l e s e e o f click d n e i f i Not the act of writing, but memory itself is a pharmakon c i a c o d s l click e a z k e n o i s e n r e n s n m n t c t & ‘ p o u h a u a t l w r i n r p y y v d y p l a e l i p n s r o e k u d e f s e t o r g a n i 60 z e the eleventh hour time. She pressed ctrl j. Direct morality disintegrates and dissolves only when a Revolutionary becomes an Alchemist. Alchemy wants to Ivana was resting on the rooftop terrace of her apartment. brighten up the world, change it into a golden gossamer Tomšič Avenue. fabric and, with every drop of honey, elevate it into the She-was-sitting-crossed-legged and was stroking her new- realm of incorruptible Spirit. silver-laptop MacBook Air. She pressed ctrl e. Helicopter, granite cubes and tear gas. She pressed ctrl g. Google Map. Don’t cry, Maribor Above her, the Pyramid, vineyards and sun. click She pressed ctrl o. CIvmJXE884MNz6lIO3PIUeedghE&index=2* Below her, the Lent district, Europark and the Drava River. click The river that flows and doesn’t say a word. http://sl.wikipedia.org/wiki/Protesti_v_Sloveniji_ She pressed ctrl t. (2012%E2%80%932013) Loud cheering of the crowd. click Direct morality plugged into the stadium sound system. She pressed ctrl o. She shut the computer closed. Direct morality is narcissistic, egocentric, average and de- It was time for coffee, a banana and pharmaceutical indulgence. monic. She swallowed a pill in the shape of a blue triangle, peeled When a revolutionary comes to power, he immediately a banana and savoured the Aspirin-for-children-coloured bows to the world and everything starts again. sunset. She pressed ctrl f. The Angel of revenge. Electric blue Revenge, revenge, says Nietzsche, the protest of will against flash

* http://www.youtube.com/user/TheSowersower - Green Cabaret tv: Broad- cast Yourself

62 63 Electric orange je t’aime flash Headache Her complementary Sacrament je t’aime flash Dizziness Her chemical Romance je t’aime flash Drowsiness je t’aime There’s an invisible line between Pharmacy and Sadism, yet Ataxia the anti-epileptics make it very visible. je t’aime Double vision - At the start of treatment, I often saw two sunsets as early je t’aime as in the morning, she remembered conversations with her Nausea neurologist who listened to her somewhat lost in thought je t’aime and with concern. Dark Night of the Soul. And because the neurologist thought that the morning sun- Convulsion, confusion, madness, fear, fear and, above all, sets are a consequence of an insufficient dose, he increased fear. it for another 500mg. Saint John of the Cross says: a soul steps over the threshold of a dark night when God had already reached toward it in - That is when I finally understood the vindictiveness of order to lift it above the ranks of novices. gravitation in a Black Hole shrouded in a veil of hallucinatory, electric sensual gratification. Aggressiveness Flushed skin je t’aime je t’aime Irritability Sore mouth je t’aime je t’aime Shivering Sore eyes je t’aime je t’aime Diarrhoea Swollen face je t’aime

64 65 Dry mouth Behavioural disorders je t’aime je t’aime Fatigue Hyperactivity je t’aime je t’aime Joint pain Slow thinking je t’aime je t’aime Hallucinations Vomiting je t’aime je t’aime Confusion Amnesia je t’aime je t’aime Disorientation je t’aime She sank down among yellow-blue pillows with her feet Fever turned towards the Sun. je t’aime Amidst the stars, amidst stardust, into celestial embers, Sensitiveness to light into a solar fireplace. je t’aime To lie down. Depression The bed is the last step before you rise to Paradise. je t’aime But the bed is gone. Anxiety Only a sleeping place remains. je t’aime The Dormeo mattress. Exhaustion click je t’aime Home is not Home anymore. Cough It’s nothing more but a place to stay. je t’aime nepremicnina.eu Increased body weight click je t’aime Intimacy is gone. Injuries We are all travellers and no one knows where we’re going. je t’aime There is no more travel, no pilgrimage, and no prayer. Only traffic remains.

66 67 Easyjet. facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend. click The world has become a bomb shelter where words lost t w d their original purpose. h h i Their original meaning. s e e d y s p If the meaning would be established, the world would dis- h r n o e o appear. o e n u e l click c y o i k w o t m w t She turned off her iPhone and plunged into electric-chemi- a u a h i cal-dreams. d s e k a c You dream, you’re born, you work, you love, you grow, and o n x e t a you perish. c n o i l click t o r s a w – r t e h i t i – m i n i k i d t e m n r s o l e o i t e r s a a r h k s t n e click h a m e i e s click f r e e y l k o y i u n 68 g s the twelfth hour Eurogeddon: Vox Dei click http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k3w0y3tLX8c&list=PLPX335CIv mJURmxiKYH68IvQYJ7JZWmoD&index=5* …You never give me your Money…You only give me your funny click Paper… Kinga Xtravaganza, a legendary afro-mamma with a perma- was blasting out of the jukebox for the fifth time. nent residence at one of the ground display windows of the Red Light District, stood up and pinched one sugar cube. Orfan and Kinga Xtravaganza were sitting in the Bar Abba coffee shop, drinking cappuccino and smoking an after- Light it up, sweeten and liberate it! noon A-dam Indica. Always well groomed and reliable. A large Social Sculpture stood on the counter. Her little display window. Her table-be-set. Vatican made from matches On it, a rose, Blueberry Phone, tobacco and Dildo. A sickly sweet extension next to it Pink Rabbit. 24.5cm, φ3.7cm, €59.95. International Monetary Fund click …I never give you my Number…I only give you my Situation… Skilfully-and-neatly-constructed from brown sugar cubes click Orfan was counting the sugar cubes of the Eurogeddon ex- Cubitos, brown sugar cubes tension. click Kinga Xtravaganza was puffing smoke nostalgically and Organically grown, Fairtrade certified soloing like an lp in a jukebox. click - Heh, I’ve always dreamt and hoped I’ll become a big star. But the years went on while the wishes and criteria went down.

* http://www.youtube.com/user/TheSowersower – eurogeddon: vox dei

70 71 Although, let there be no mistake, I can still make an im- facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend. pression. Orfan, believe me, no one wants to live eternally. e a Everyone wants only a memory of eternity. v l e s e t …oh, that magic feeling…nowhere to go… a r l v o y a e I’m a real woman. w v r s I still swear by Hollywood classics. o s e y t I don’t like on-line-pornography. m t e Everyone sees you. a a t b p No one knows you. n r o l h Andy Warhol. a e Mistake. i a c n Today, not everyone experiences their-15-minutes-of-fame. s k Today, everyone-fucks-everyone who was famous for 15 b h minutes. l h a On-line-Glamour is not for me. a o w It’s for the younger and prettier. c l k I’m not as stupid as that Wicked Queen who played her k e i dirty game with a prettier and younger Snow White. n A woman of my age must not believe only in beauty but h i g other things also. o s In money or weapons, for example. l Orfan smiled restlessly and looked out of the window. e a On the other side of the road, he saw a tall, slender figure running towards the Central Station. s l a v 72 e Wilhelmina click flash http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HQeatmEpiv0&list=PLPX33 Saturn’s daughter 5CIvmJWyrGGEea35tFekPrRmU5S-&index=1* flash click

…One two three four five six seven… All good children go to Kinga turns to the left, past a bronze sculpture. heaven… Belle. “Respect sex workers all over the world” Orfan turns to the right, past the “Our Lord in the Attic” Orfan and Kinga Xtravaganza pay their cappuccino and museum. head to work. White-faced and confused. Blow-Job-Daily. flash Two feminists-spun-from-Marx’-beard with their brand- Trembling upper lip new-ideological-haircuts and the rest of the say-no-to-pros- flash titution propaganda stand in front of a display window with Highway for the ants the yellow sign Erotic Massage. flash A group of tourists eagerly awaits its red- porno-tour. Twitching left hand “Op de wallen komen we geen van allen” flash click Forward Mathematics of Eroticism flash click Backward http://www.pic-amsterdam.com/ flash click Automatic Alice The two feminists resolutely repeat their we-are-here-to-abol- flash ish-the-secret-of-life-we-are-here-to-take-over-the-power In his stomach, an elevator without any passengers mantra and carefully march along the slippery stone ground. flash He slowly unlocks the door Their political management flash click Their Sancta Familia * http://www.youtube.com/user/TheSowersower – Sancta Familia

74 75 Sits down on the bed - Usually I swallow my ready-made-sculpture only when I’m flash banging some old-fat-perverse-controversial-non-versial- My little room power-point ass. flash But not to feel better. My Porno-kiri Not to feel more. flash So I would feel no more.

…Cause I am voodoo child…Yeah…Lord knows I am a voodoo He turns the volume of electric Jimmy down and starts child baby… staring at the poster hanging on the wall. Kinga Xtravaganza gave him a large laser colour print for The nausea is slowly dissipating but, even so, the life is not last Christmas. changing. 140x120cm, black framing. Visited a Specialist. Got a Diagnosis. Raphael, Transfiguration, 1517 Got a Prescription. Neurontin 300mg Shimmering electric colours are pulsating in front of Or- flash fan’s tired eyes, whispering a legend of Christ’s Transfigura- A pill in the morning tion on the Mountain. A pill in the evening In the New Testament, the account of Christ’s Transfigu- flash ration on the Mountain is narrated in all of the three Syn- drowsinessfatiguedizinessheadachenauseavomitinginsom- optic Gospels. It is one of the most unsettling and majestic niadisorientedwalkingvisualdisturbancesspeechdisturban- events on Jesus’ path. cessoregumsamnesia flash Mathematics of Light flash …Cause I am voodoo child…Yeah…Lord knows I am a voodoo Matthew 17:1-12 child baby… flash Mark 9:2-13 flash

76 77 Luke 9:28-36 Orfan lights the A-dam Indica and smiles. flash …Cause I am voodoo child…Yeah…Lord knows I am a voodoo The event and accompanying symbolic spices (six days, a child baby… mountain, cloud, voice, three companions who cannot bear the transformed radiance, fear) are very similar to the as- He’s tracing the scenes in the painting with his eyes. cent of Moses to the Sinai Mountain. Mountain Both cases involve a dramatic theophany. Cloud flash Light Molecular baroque for Gnostics Epileptic Boy flash Sunset Upper World Raphael looked for a motif to highlight this Hyper-Solar- Lower World Event. He’s observing how the upper part of the painting blends Therefore, in the lower part of the painting, he depicted an into the lower part, the sun into moon, the moon into sun, epileptic boy with his parents, Matthew the interlocutor how the alchemical canvas of the 16th century, on which and the frightened apostles who are reaching their hands in earthly passions are controlled by the light, slowly twists wonderment toward the Mountain and boy who is cured by and turns into a digitalised, fluorescent icon of Pablo Ama- the Christ after he transforms - becomes radiant. ringo in a Walt Disney co-production.

Christ’s Transfiguration on Mount Tabor represents a sha- …Cause I am voodoo child…Yeah…Lord knows I am a voodoo manic, ecstatic experience with a drop of Theology. The child baby… Light of the Saviour. Transitions into an altered state of consciousness with the help of rituals and mystic topography He pulls the curtain open (tree, mountain, cloud, bridge, cave, chasm, and waterfall) flash are difficult, dangerous and symbolically determined. There He pulls the curtain closed is a link between the earth, universe and underground, a uni- flash fied space that is accessible to most people only after death.

78 79 My little room facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend. flash My little Yurt flash My Magical Flight d a a i a flash o f My Porno-kiri l t n a n flash. c e e m e My little Drum e r a a flash r r r My little Underground v s - e - flash i u d a l My Reality Bang t r e d i flash a v a y f My Disney Colours i t e flash v h f - i - o e He opens the white-as-a-swan-Mac n e r x click g x p Spreading Justice with Uranium: Transfiguration #1 p e click e r http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6bn86Hrvkw&list=PLPX33 r i 5CIvmJVkZj7-mEfE5RR2L9J9RJi9&index=2* i e click e n n c c e e , * http://www.youtube.com/user/TheSowersower – Spreading Justic with Uranium:Transfiguration#1

80 a l c h e m i c a l ii.d i s t i l l a t i o n

o f a w o r d Nothing original is in me. Even less so about me. I’m just a mix of strain and suffering of people who I’ve met in my life. jesus christ the thirteenth hour And in you, the three nails of our universe.

Path, Truth and Life In the beginning, there was a rebellion. There will also be in the end. It’s not easy for you, but you’re still laughing. In between, it is you. Your intimate Delirium. Your cerebral edema. In the moment of reading these words, you are alive-and- dead-at-the-same-time. If you’re still reading these lines, if you can’t die, despite Your Mysterious Heart. your promise that you will, welcome to the Desert of the Your intimate ventricular fibrillation. Real.

Imagine, if you can, that you are a young Jewish man, a Your name is Jesus Christ and this is your Performative Turn- cloned heart of your Father. ing Point. Your Miraculous Chamber. Your septum cordis.

Imagine also, that you love your Father more than you love yourself. Your intimate apoptosis. Your suicide of cells.

Even if you don’t hear or speak, you know that the three women of your life are beside you.

Mary, Mary, Mary

86 87 facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend. the fourteenth hour

h j i y o h Ivana entered the Venera Sex Shop and almost knocked o e o n o over an older man, a scanned image of Saint Anton but l s c u l w without the plastic collar. y u a r y s n i See also: Anton Stres* and his Doubles d l m click r d s a e f http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h9YoTN21eT0** o a t s g e click p r i t a e l l d l She smiled at the shopkeeper. i w e ! Middle-aged woman. n h o t Samantha Fox body. g e r h Franc Kangler*** is-learning-Slovenian aloud. ! a d r s k * tn: Anton Stres was the Archbishop of the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Ljubljana and the metropolitan bishop of Ljubljana. Pope Francis has later ac- : n cepted his resignation as well as the resignation of another senior Catholic o cleric, Archbishop of Maribor, Marjan Turnšek, over a financial scandal said to w have cost the Church up to 800m Euros. However, neither of them faced any allegations of criminal misconduct. s ** Stična, 2003 - Archbishop Franc Rode, PhD, sets a puzzle. *** tn: Franc Kangler is a Slovenian politician who had served as the mayor of Maribor, the second largest town in the country. Due to corruption allegations, pre-trial processes and criminal charges made against him, the citizens of Maribor demanded his resignation in two protests under the slogan Gotof je! (literally meaning “He is done!” in Styrian dialect) and he stepped down from the position in December 2012. In January 2013, Senate of College re- voked his degree due to plagiarism. (Source: Wikipedia)

89 Stres-without-the-plastic-collar was browsing through new Ivana was self-consciously perusing the shop stacked with arrivals on the market. discrete plastic and observing the shopkeeper. Beauty isn’t everything, she thought to herself, but it helps. Dear believers, we are gathered here to cherish our families! Your erotic management He delightedly opened a brown box with the latest stimulant. click Your three-time Miss of the Wind Rattle Sexspresso Coffee click click Your intimate rooster’s breakfast Stres-without-the-plastic-collar carefully folded the receipt click and made his way towards the exit. Ivana followed his suit and strolled to the nearest terrace Because we believe in it and we know that a family built on the bar. holy matrimony, the union between a husband and wife, is the supreme cradle of life and love. Marpurgi Šarika click The shopkeeper attended Ivana and waved at her casually Welcoming the unconventional with a purple cylinder. click Vibrator Butterfly Emotion (€34.95) Soupy meals click Wotcha, dis looks like i’ was made fer ya. Why daan’t ya ‘ave European Capital of Culture a lil’ play wif your clit, eh? click Clean Energy Stres-without-the-plastic-collar feigned a little cough and click decided to buy the Bad-Kitty-handcuffs-for-wrists-and-an- Let’s spin this Spectacular Story together! kles (€29,95). click

Even Jesus Christ himself, the Son of God in human form, was The metapoetic world is not Real but Hyper-Real. We don’t born into a family. He wanted mother and stepfather by his side. feel at home in nature, we don’t feel at home in culture, we

90 91 feel at home in Art. Art doesn’t reject, deny nor discard the click world of social everyday reality. Art sheds light upon the They met on an on-line-forum-for-epileptics world and puts it in order. click From the social flora-and-fauna, it enters the temple of Nocturnal Clonic Tonic Muses and creates that what transcends it. click No strings attached Vincent Van Gogh, March, 1882: Art is a battle - you have to put click your whole life into art. No illusions about the nature of time click The European Mind and its capitals have-always-been-and- still-are only the attic rooms of talented personalities. Nev- We are still slaves to the collective hallucination of Linear er the dancing halls of the absolute Spirit. Time. For Beauty and Truth, one has to be more than an educat- We perceive time how the people-in-power want us to. ed-talented-entrepreneurial-and-interesting Persona. Like it’s a speed limit on a highway. Like a river that flows only in one direction. Ivana ordered a coffee. Lit a cigarette. Re:animation of the city click All Different, all Finished! click However, she smiled more-to-herself-than-to-others, as early as tomorrow, nothing-will-be-as-it-used-to-be.

Jože Pučnik Airport click Adria Airways click To European cities, directly from Ljubljana

92 93 facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend. the fifteenth hour

t t b t a n t h h i h n e h e i g i d v i Orfan pulled the curtain closed. s - s e n Nausea faded away. f b f r k It was followed by a Jamai Vu. i i r i e When you-experience-old-acquaintances-as-strangers. f s o s e g When nothing feels familiar. t t d e When everything feels foreign. h n h b i t When you are on this world, but not of this world. o e i n s e t r g g Someone knocked. l - - h He peeked from behind the curtain. e i s y u Saturn’s daughter with a blue plastic bag. m s i o n e - s u g My Green Cabaret n w t , r flash t a e y My Little Yurt t r s flash c o e h d n He unlocked the door. i a y o Wilhelmina, enveloped in the silky almond smell of the n n o u Chang Express Chinese restaurant. g c u g - i r h - This is for you. y n o g m t She hung the hot blue bag on the white window handle. u i o n d 95 I had my Bami already. - Did what?

This is your Life - Have you ever been to the Saint Nicholas Church? flash The moment before Birth as the Trailer - Near the Central? flash The moment after Death as the Roll Credit - Yes. The Pastor said that this is where they sell lies fabri- flash cated at the Big Factory in Rome.

I’ve come to say goodbye, said Wilhelmina solemnly and sat Orfan opened his mouth and forgot to close it. down on the bed. This is your last night with us, waved the manager at me this morning. - Well, I went there and threw Valium into the Holy Water.

- Has Tender Breast stopped selling milk? Orfan closed his mouth and opened them again.

- I’m going to see Pastor tonight. Pastor always helps. - wilhelmina! But you are …You Are The Sunshine of my Life… began Orfan with his we-are-all-Stevie-Wonder-kara- - You look a bit pale, murmured Orfan, also milky-pale. oke … That’s why I’ll always be around… Well, at least for the last ten years… - I’ve slept only three hours. Meanwhile, I read the Bible out loud and checked my Jesus Daily three times. My head is a Wilhelmina was rocking backwards-and-forwards rapidly, smil- one big weird mess. A blend of Tegretol, outdated Prayers ing ecstatically, and asked. and Black Snakes dancing in front of my eyes. - Why for the last ten years? - Black snakes are dancing in front of your eyes? Orfan opened the plastic box and wrapped Bami noodles around - yes, and that’s not all, Wilhelmina smiled tiredly. After wooden chopsticks. these sorts of nights, when I can no longer tell Paul from Saul, I did it again.

96 97 - Look at me. What do you see? You see black, lightly curled facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend. hair and dark brown Asian eyes. My parents were a light- skinned Dutch couple with porcelain blue eyes. I’ve always suspected it. That afternoon, they were sleeping in front of the television. Their spit was slowly and visibly dripping from their mouth. I took a sample and sent both test tubes s e h b w a to my best friend’s dad. A letter arrived in a week. u v o u e n n e l t t d cpg cpg cpg cpg cpg cpg d r y a y m p c The algorithm didn’t match mine. y s o a h I bought two tulips. f c s g i Stuck them in a vase. w a r t e c Propped an envelope against it. a m i s k And left. l i p o e k l t f o n In one month I turned 18. y u f They never tried to find me. r t s They never called. h e h s o a , e u u My genetic sculpture s m n p flash d My intimate Archive i a a flash t r y My Birthday s e flash w A mistake I’ll spend my whole life trying to put right o i flash w n n e

98 the sixteenth hour He still had enough time to prepare for the night journey.

My descent into the Underground flash Every Death begins with a Moon’s reflection in the water. My Magical flight Orfan’s shadow was sombrely drifting along the Amstel flash River. His walk radiated brazen Loneliness and Attraction. He adjusted the headphones and turned on a new iPod It’s hard to say if this attraction stemmed from his Power or Touch. Emptiness that was filled by long night time walks around click the harbour. Church: Under the Milky Way He sat on the pier in front of the big glass concert hall Muz- click iekgebouw aan’t ij. 4min 59sec click Peace Quiet He slowly set out for the Red Light District. Lighthouse Sometimes when this place gets kind of empty, My Little Town Sound of their breath fades with the light flash My Wind Archive The true purpose of every Darkness is Light. flash Of every Suffering, Happiness. Amsterdam and his double The purpose of Sin, Grace. flash I think about the loveless fascination Amsterdam is like a medieval Horseshoe. Under it, sleep the old suitcases, coins, lanterns, watches, hammers, bones, The descent into the Underground is an invitation not a compasses, shoes, relics, icons and wooden spoons. threat. It awakens our brain and opens our heart.

100 101 Can’t you feel it? Something vibrated in his left pocket. Kinga Xtravaganza. The Enthusiasm inflamed by imminent Death? Orfan, it’s urgent! A change of plan. You won’t regret it! Under the Milky Way tonight Orfan rolled his eyes. He crossed the junction at the Central Station and walked past the church. I’m coming. Wilhelmina, Valium and the Holy Water. And it’s something quite peculiar Wish I knew what you were looking for Something shimmering and white

He turned towards the Old Church and turned the song He slowly made his way through a phosphoric chain of tour- down slightly. ists. De Oude Kerk. His walk radiated brazen Loneliness and Attraction. 1306. It’s hard to say if this attraction stemmed from his Power or The ground scattered with gravestones. Emptiness that was filled by long night time walks around the harbour. Might have known what you would find Leads you here despite your destination People consider themselves to be soooo-much-more than Under the Milky Way tonight the dead. We alive. They dead. But if Darwin and Freud were so intergalactically smart, why did they die? It’s impossible to get used to life. Life cannot be taken for granted and it’s not natural. Vincent Van Gogh, February 1883: What a riddle life is, and love is a riddle within a riddle.

102 103 facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend. the seventeenth hour

w t t i 3-2-1 a h h s I walk s e e 3-2-1 t n I talk e o o e 3-2-1 l n n v I record a e e e n r Left, Right d w w Arthur, Vincent h h t o o h I’ve been walking for twelve hours and thirty-three min- e utes. y l o o s My Little Town u v a flash e m Legend of the raving mad Mistral l s e flash o v y p The author of the Legend stored in the city archive de- e o e scribes: u r a s “In my private opinion, Arles is epileptic. It whips itself up n o to such an intense pitch of nervous excitement that you d n are positive it will burst into a violent fit and foam at the mouth.

105 But the problem is that that never happens. for centuries. It’s preaching its first crisis. It’s bound to This country is forever reaching a climax, and never having happen. And soon. When it does, we’re going to witness a one. frightful catastrophe. Murder, arson, rape, wholesale de- I’ve been waiting for three months to see a revolution, or a struction! This country can’t go on forever in a whipped, volcano erupt from the Place de la Republique. A dozen times tortured state.” I thought the inhabitants would all suddenly go mad and cut each other’s throats! 3-2-1 But just when they get to a point where an explosion is im- I walk minent, the mistral dies down for a couple of days and the 3-2-1 sun goes behind the clouds. I talk

My Little Scar A kaleidoscopic panorama of the Provence plexus. flash My Yellow House Left, Right flash Arthur, Vincent

But, continues the author, if Arles never reaches the point Left, Right of climax, one cannot claim that it is possessed. It is not Arthur Rimbaud epileptic but epileptoid. This is a nerve disorder that resem- bles epilepsy, however, it doesn’t manifest in the form of First Beat seizures but rather the state of temporary tension. First Punk First Gay Icon My Night Café Young Beast flash Little Monster My Starry night Messiah for the decadent flash Traveller Beggar My point is this, continues the Author of the city archive, Sailor Arles is an epileptoidal city. It’s pulse has been mounting Explorer

106 107 Arms dealer poet Shareholder A man who planted a thought of authentic existence in him- Muslim Prophet self and observed how this thought flourished and smirked Rebel in front of his eyes. Poet poet A man who distils the light and darkness without a linguis- Left, Left tic compromise. Arthur, Arthur poet China, Japan, India, Africa. His enigmatic slogans There, the Poet is still alive. The graffiti of theth 19 century Left, Left I is The Other Arthur, Arthur flash Love has to be reinvented We have lost our Poet. flash Even worse. Language must be reinvented We have lost the memory that we need it. flash Visionary, Madman, Angel & Criminal. We are living in the past and counting the bones. Left, Left Arthur, Arthur Left, Left Arthur, Arthur He was the best, the greatest. He’s still the best, the greatest. They say that Rimbaud escaped to the Desert. A thought that this is how he saved his Soul doesn’t occur Left, Left to them. Arthur, Arthur A thought that with his absence he built a bridge between the A Season in Hell and Christmas on Earth doesn’t occur to them.

108 109 Between the Roots and the Tree Crown. 3-2-1 Between the Underworld and the Sky. I walk 3-2-1 Arthur’s Magical Flight I speak flash 3-2-1 The Reality of a Teenage Prodigy I record flash Sometimes I wish that life would be as simple as Twitter. Left, Left Follow. Arthur, Arthur Unfollow. Hallelujah. Is his manifestation in human form not similar to the sub- lime awakening of Buddha, transfiguration of Christ and Left, Left the mission of Joan of Arc? Arthur, Arthur

3-2-1 He experienced his big crisis, the initiation, when he was Stop eighteen. He survives and flies away to the Desert. My Little Tweet He runs away from the Chimeras he created. click He enters the world of phantasmagorical landscapes, as My Intimate Distillate strange and exhilarating as his Songs. click He abandons Poetry. He doesn’t abandon Fiction. distillate #1 Left, Left Art is a Body that was chosen by the Spirits to live among Arthur, Arthur us.

110 111 Rimbaud is a wild mystic. Left, Left His Language is a score, music, smell, perfume, colour and Arthur, Arthur spell. How is it possible that a man of such talent and energy ends The reading of his Work is an Adventure. up in the charred hole of a desert crater? Event. What is the name of his Shadow? Miracle. And what is a Miracle? fear! When a beam pierces the earth. When the Light bursts into the World and travels inside the The Fear that every Artist knows. Body. That he is unwanted, useless and worthless. When a man discovers that the body is a condensed spirit. When a man discovers that logic is condensed magic. Left, Left When a man is silent and has no expectations. Arthur, Arthur How many authors write with such intensity today? His kaleidoscopic character Is there any at all? flash His al’chemical fate Our Sovereign Pulpgraphy flash flash Our Cultural Fauxgraphy Left, Left trash Arthur, Arthur Our European Mammography crash A renegade, rebel, cursed, uncompromising, curious, brave, original, ascetic, obsessive, morbid and first-and-foremost unable to learn from his own experience. Like all the seekers who penetrate the Truth and retain its hallucinatory nature.

112 113 facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend. the eighteenth hour

w w t facebook. It’s raining. Notes. i e o c Epilepsy is a performative link between the Visible and In- k b o visible. e e u A chaos of senses and grim mechanics of the neurological d h r machine. a A scar that suddenly reveals a catalogue of violence and ex- g v o travagant creativity. a e w The Health Manifesto should be first written by Poets. m n Medicine is not health. e l It’s a scent of chlorine. s i p Encyclopaedia of Consequences. k e Anatomy of Marketing. w e a e r Your Seven Minutes s l click p w s Your Supplementary Insurance l i click a n y e A man’s illness stems from his Passion. s My Little Scar flash My Temporal Remix flash

115 My Electrical Marathon Neuro-theological Mystery? flash flash

Jakob Boehme: Verzückung ist das Wesen des Geistes. Epilepsy is a Multidimensional Portal. The essence of Spirit is rapture. An ecstatic minute in which a man experiences a break- It’s Fervour. through into grace and poetic mystery. It’s Passion. A moment in which life becomes translucent and forthcom- ing. Dostoyevsky A magical gesture which sheds light on the elements of Fate. Van Gogh Walt Disney Neurologists love to cite and translate Paul’s letter 2 Corin- flash thians 12:1-10 in a Patient’s file. Depersonalisation, ecstatic aura, visual and auditory hallucinations, body pain, nausea Hippocampus and the remaining synaesthetic extensions plugged into Amygdala the eeg of Apocalypse. Neocortex flash Was Saint Paul also hiding under the epileptic hood of a false prophet? Mohammed Was he only a Neurological Prayer Machine? Moses Saint Paul We’ve known for some time that even the simplest thought flash or a mental state requires electric activity spanning an in- tricate network of synapses and neurons. Dostoyevsky believes Mohammed’s description of Paradise. However, we still don’t know how this electrical activity He wasn’t lying, writes Dostoyevsky. changes into thought. He suffered from epilepsy, just like me. Epilepsy is changing a man, stirring his heart code, opening Is the whole Universe one Big Epileptic Bang? a Portal into the unknown, but doesn’t say anything about flash what awaits him on the other side of this Portal.

116 117 facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend. the nineteenth hour

e s t b d g i w a “The Church doesn’t need, and can’t have, a bigger certainty p o h r o i t i than the living believers themselves” i n e a e v s t s l g i s e h t - Marjan Turnšek, Metropolitan Archbishop of Maribor* e h n s o r p u n u e u u - Indeed, grimaced Ivana and put down Večer**. A newspaper t m o p c t g of substance. i a t r g She was sitting in the garden in front of the Theatre Café c n e l and waiting for her mother. ‘ t e The coffee before departure. s s … I’ll live until I die…

was coming from the inside of the café; a record of the group then still called Lačni Franz*** was quietly playing in the background.

* tn: Marjan Turnšek was the Archbishop of the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Maribor and the metropolitan bishop of Maribor. Pope Francis has later ac- cepted his resignation over a financial scandal said to have cost the Church up to 800m Euros. However, neither of them faced any allegations of criminal misconduct. ** tn: Večer (Eng. Evening) is a daily newspaper published in Maribor, Slovenia. *** tn: Lačni Franz was a rock band from Slovenia. Their name, meaning hungry Franz, is a pun on the name of a character from the novel Catch-22, Hun- gry Joe, describing hunger for rock music. (Source: Wikipedia)

119 The bell tower rung ten times. … now, when the madmen are taking their fingers out of the Maribor Cathedral. arses to whistle the march tune … Slovenian Egyptian Airlines. In the Old Testament, people just wouldn’t stop flying from I’m not stupid. one place to the other. I know that the world will continue spinning when I’ll close From Egypt. my eyes. To Egypt. And I also know that it will when I’ll open them. And back. There will still be wars, budget revisions, greenhouses, bird- houses, candid cameras, cultural explosions, internation- … now, when the madmen are taking their fingers out of the ar- al university games, world ultimate Frisbee tournaments, ses to whistle the march tune … pan-Slovenian uprising, sensitive souls and Yakuza.

- Coffee with cream, she waved at the waitress wearing Bo- My little town rovo* orthopaedic shoes. flash My big dreams Look at yourself. flash Let’s look at ourselves. Legacy of Chernobyl classrooms We are all born. flash Lost. Life is but one ruthlessly-logical-sacred-trigonometry. … I’ll live until I die… Once upon a time, something happened and now, one has to bear and count the consequences. The universe is an infinite abundance of magic. As said in Torah: seven generations Sigh, light, shiver. click The Milky Way is one-big-Glory. As said by Science: genetics But the Partisan Street is one-big-Butchery. click As taught by Buddha: every deed, thought, gesture and word

* tn: Borovo is a Croatian shoemaker company, once second largest in Yugo- is a consequence of past deeds, thoughts, gestures and words. slavia. click

120 121 - Ivana, vibrated, I’ll be with you in ten minutes. I just quick- Wi-Fi. ly nip to Europark and grab the ballet flats. Skype. Video Chat. Yes, mum. A Church full of young glowing faces that talk to Jesus without-connection-interruptions while looking only into their My little ballet flats own Faces. click Your big Europark My Little Holy Bread click click Pharaonic shopping centre of the North East Slovenia My Intimate Martyrdom click click Full of young-and-not-so-young chromosomes with breast implants, fake nails, smeared tattoos, Angelina-lips, Beck- The only difference between the martyrdom and suicide is ham-sideburns, volksfest hips, tricycle prams and long- in the number of copies printed in the media. live-the-bbq flab. click … now, when the madmen are taking their fingers out of the arses to whistle the march tune … - Coffee with cream, smiled the waitress contentedly. Regular salary, increased overdraft limit, robbed-off-her- In her third year, remembered Ivana looking at Thalia’s tem- teeth grin. ple, a professor said to them:

… I’ll live until I die… - Forget Roman Law. Forget Leges Duodecim Tabularum. Re- member Dostoyevsky. Read The Brothers Karamazov and There was no one in the Cathedral. you’ll see that Socialism is nothing but secular Catholicism. Neither in front of the Cathedral, if we don’t count an Aus- trian tourist and the former cemetery. Then, she didn’t understand. Only Tourists & Bones. Today, she understands. Perhaps they should convert the maggoty confessionals into a cyber café.

122 123 It’s not a coincidence that Marx was a Jew. facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend. He turned Kabbalah upside down, sucked the roots and, with the help of working-class-hero-chosen-people built his Leavened Kingdom. t m a s a My Hyper-sole-trader Precariat h a r l r click i s e a e My Budget Bun n t n v n click k e ' e ' My Croissants-from-behind-the-scenes r t s t click p s . o . w w s e e i t a a i l l v l l e ? ?

click click

124 the twentieth hour - ok. Oldie, around 60, well-off. I’m not sure what he does but judging from his cunnilingus he might as well be an ice cream taster. In a very long time, I enjoyed work again. A guy with special needs. You know, vagina-in-progress fetish. Kinga Xtravaganza was sitting at her Biedermeier table He says he’s tired of bio and pays triple for everything that wearing new Grenoble sandals (€89.95). isn’t bio.

Grenoble are elegant sandals with a silver and transparent high My Little Vagina sole. What lends appeal to them is the transparent strap. They click are made out of vinyl which is simple to maintain and look after. Crystal Clear Pussy People will spend forever wondering how you fastened them to click your feet. But , of course, the secret will stay yours and yours alone! €183.95 click Orfan entered, sat on the bar stool and pulled open the curtains. The majority of men keep score of their cunnilingus like in sports. Your Little Sequence During every live score update, when they lift up their head flash to catch breath, they warningly look into woman’s eyes. Orfan and Kinga Xtravaganza Like chess players hitting clocks. flash Like taxi drivers turning on their taximeters. Cinderella and Prince recorded in the rear view mirror But Oldie, he’s different. flash His tongue is like the Excalibur. A man who waited his whole life for a woman while she was Sword embedded in a rock. buying shoes Years go by, even decades, rocks crack, galaxies die, stars ex- flash plode, new ones are born, and he is still swimming in your G-universe, moving his tip and drawing the alphabet. - What’s up, said Orfan and lit a cigarette. A chess player without a clock. A tongue without a taximeter.

126 127 - This is the deal, Kinga Xtravaganza puts out her cigarette facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend. and cracks the door open slightly. For the front you charge triple, for from-behind, you charge whatever you want.

This is your Life s c m m i t flash a a o e h Your Porno-kiri i b o r l e flash n a n c o Instead of thrusting a sword into your stomach, you’re t r u v s banging squashy, small, big, fat and flabby asses who want e i r e a to hear that even the worst blow job is nicer than the smell g t s y m of the elder tree and every amateur redtube more magnifi- e y e cent than the sunset in full-hd. r q i o flash m u s u w a i a i e d y n t r e a m i n g

128 the twenty-first hour Slowly she heads towards Tender Breast.

She rounds the corner past the Chinese display window with roasted wild boars. She glances at the s/m Demask Wilhelmina stands next to the Oude Kerk canal. store with two mannequins cackling from behind the “on She stares fixedly at the procession of white swans who are sale” sign. She crosses the Monnikenstraat corner. The sa- gliding solemnly over the surface of the Amstel River and cred grounds of Franciscan convent from the 15th century, softening the carnality of the Red Light District. surrounded by a garden, workshops, bakery and chapel.

My White Swan In 1492, a woman, who was condemned for witchcraft and flash unthinkable spells, predicted a Holy War in which Amster- Ether in my Body dam was supposed to be consumed by flames. flash click In 2005, Ian Buruma writes Murder in Amsterdam She holds the morning copy of the Metro newspaper in her click left hand, the pocket issue of New Testament in her right. The Death of Theo van Gogh and the Limits of Tolerance click Het Nieuwe Testament. On a cold November day in Amsterdam in 2004, the cele- Blue colour, golden letters. brated and controversial Dutch filmmaker Theo van Gogh was shot and killed by an Islamic extremist for making a John 1:5: The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has movie that “insulted the prophet Mohammed”. The mur- not overcome it. der sent shock waves across Europe and around the world. Shortly thereafter, Ian Buruma returned to his native land The procession of swans flirts with the saint on the big bell to investigate the event and its larger meaning as part of tower. the great dilemma of our time. Saint Nicholas. click The protector of sailors, fishermen and all the other creatures who are subjected to water spells. In Tender Breast, a pleasant sanctuary for travellers, they are waiting for the Midnight Prayer.

130 131 A group of tourists, travellers, volunteers and immigrants The Chaos Theory is very popular in science today. sit in a circle. I’ve read the book. They are waiting for the Manager and the Bible. Nice covers. Wilhelmina takes a seat next to them. Beautiful snowflakes. Gorgeous butterflies. Her last night However, it’s very accurately described in the Bible. flash Her always-the-same-temptation Genesis 1:31: God saw all that he had made, and it was very flash good.

Manager opens the Bible and addresses everyone who has The Chaos Theory is endlessly repeating the word Pattern. gathered. However, the Word of God or Pattern of God says. Chaos doesn’t exist. - I wish that, for a moment, we think about the question of What exists is only a Pattern that we don’t understand. Perfection and Free Will. The Chaos Theory is also endlessly repeating the phrase Is perfection, given to us by God, relative or absolute? nothing-is-certain-everything-is-open. The Bible says. However, the Word of God or Will of God teaches us. It’s all certain, nothing is open. Matthew 4:4: Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every There is but One Future. word that comes from the mouth of God. Bad news. We have no control. Everyone who has gathered nibbles on cookies gratis and Good news. nods silently. We can’t go wrong. Wilhelmina is rocking backwards-and-forwards. She tries to brush away the black snakes dancing in front All who are gathered laugh with their hearts and sip on of her eyes. their juice gratis.

The manager continues. Now I’d like to ask you to silence your voice, go deep within yourself, think about fears, obedience and desires, hold

132 133 your hands and close your eyes. facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend. The manager opens the Bible once again.

Galatians 5:16-17: So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is con- c t t t trary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. o h h h They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do s e e e whatever you want. a b s e The manager closes the Bible. n i a a Everyone who has gathered opens their eyes. o b m r s l e t On the other side of the building, under subterranean red t e h neon lights, Kinga Xtravaganza is performing her ritual of r p urotherapy and slowly dripping the elixir of vitality in the a w e w mouth of her client who is chained to a retort-shaped glass a o a pole. s p s l The midnight prayer is over. w e f r l i w a t h t t o e n s a b i y d

134 In the rooms with iron beds, tourists and other travellers He’s not a thing. are rustling with bags and trying to fall asleep. Mister Smith is a Code. Surveillance cameras are turned on. Anonymous terror. Virus. Wilhelmina is checking her Jesus Daily. Black Flu. click Immigrants. 16,231,108 people like it Naked, ragged, laid bare. click At midnight, they return to their home-for-hanging where Likers & Stay-at-homes they sit and wait. click Not for the better. For the stronger. Immigrants don’t sleep. They sit and wait. My United Europe Not for the better. click For the stronger. My Intimate Auschwitz For the System. click Apparatus. Matrix. Wilhelmina concludes her redemption-a-click-away. Immigrants. Black snakes are sleeping. A documentary about Cinderella whose shoes were too big. She visited Pastor in the afternoon. Instead of a Step-mother, an Office. Pastor always helps. Instead of a woman-demanding-attention, unresponsive- ness. Why has the World come to be like this? Because this was not done by a man, but by the one who doesn’t exists. Unreal, blind, deaf, evil, ugly and mad. Mister Smith was never born and never will be. He’s not a person.

136 137 facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend. the twenty-second hour

h c i t o o h f o f 3-2-1 m a I sit o r y p m 3-2-1 i o e o I record s t u n r a y e a Two in the morning. c a t l Pain in my feet. e i r r i Pain in my knees. r s e a t I’ve been walking fifteen hours and thirty-two minutes. t y In front of me. u n e Neon, oil, Shell. s o Above me. e t t Helium, stars, Milky Way. l h Fabric of celestial explosions. e a e s b 3-2-1 s l v I drink water e e 3-2-1 i I nibble on Snickers l 3-2-1 I record

I feel like Francis of Assisi with sore feet. Saint Francis. Harlequin.

139 Fool. 3-2-1 The last in the Tarot of Marseilles deck. I sit No letters, no numbers. 3-2-1 A gospel describes him as poor-in-spirit. I suffer A Man without Fear. He received for free and gave for free. My Little Tweet He understood bird language and taught philosophy to the click fish. My Intimate Distillate Saint Francis. click Melancholy and Ecstasy. Laughter and deep sadness. distillate #2 There is no Beauty without sadness. There is no Spirit without laughter. Now is blessed Saint Francis. All the rest Saint Harlequin. Remembered And I’m a Saint Trampoline with an urgent need for a re- flexology foot rub. 3-2-1 I walk So, where are all those massage tables and the racks? 3-2-1 I talk My sore feet 3-2-1 flash I record My 28 bones flash It huuuuurts! My 17 muscles I’ve put on the shoes of my ancestors. flash I’m ready for Death. My 100 ligaments flash Left, Right Arthur, Vincent

140 141 Half past three in the morning. My median artery Night is not darkness. flash As I’m nearing the city, not only the city becomes brighter. I become brighter myself. In front of me, Vincent’s canvasses catch fire. Brown gold, green gold, red gold, yellow gold. My Little Metanoia Red, green, pink, purple. flash Blue and Yellow. My First Aid flash Right, Right Vincent, Vincent Left, Right Arthur, Vincent Jasmine and Olive. Jasmine, white and light. I’m descending through an olive grove. Olive, flesh and blood. Do you still think that a gardener and farmer are the best A drop of olive on a jasmine flower. connoisseurs of nature? Alchemical romance. An artist is able to see the most of nature. Japan in Provence. A gardener doesn’t see an olive tree. Zen with olive oil. He sees only crop. Right, Right Right, Right Vincent, Vincent Vincent, Vincent Olives, cypresses, willows. Feet are on fire. The looms of melancholy, the knitters of abstraction. I feel like the Sower. A dancer on the burning carpet of wheat field. Right, Right Vincent, Vincent My median nerve flash

142 143 Van Gogh realised, 3-2-1 that profane eyes see only that Stop what we can’t live without. Money. My Little Tweet Semantic hallucination. click Satellite image of a bakery in paradise. My Intimate Distillate click Right, Right Vincent, Vincent distillate #3

He pierced matter with the stare of a Madman. If you smell Wave, Light, Shiver. the sound of Summer A world of pulsating sun, stars and moon’s slumber. you are a Haiku Poet. A world in which trees flutter like electrical torches wreath- ing with demons of fate and vitality. The pain is fading away. If a man wants to see the Reality, he needs to burn the Lie. I’ve put on the shoes of my ancestors. If a man wants to be Sober, he needs to go mad. I’m ready for Death. Van Gogh set the world ablaze and now looks after the flames so they wouldn’t burst into fire. Left, Right Arthur, Vincent Left, Right Arthur, Vincent Walking is an Anatomical Trance. Practice, Improvisation, The pain is slowly dissipating. Repetition and Imagination.

My left calcaneus Left, Right flash Arthur, Vincent My right tarsus flash

144 145 facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend. the twenty-third hour

b s a o w c f t b e p s r e h o o e facebook. New Moon. Notes. y e d a r y o e m e a o e o In 1970s, neurologist Norman Geschwind was convinced n d u r l s s x n that the scar which causes epileptic seizures also induces d c s t p d personality changes. One of them is hypergraphia. o h a o a a l t f n n r o t Hypergraphia manifests itself as an intense desire to write. h a d l d s d h Addiction to words and sentences. e l s o e e Writing anytime. i s n c a Writing everywhere. g w e g a n i s On the walls, toilet paper, unpaid bills or even on one’s own h e c t d n p body. t u f a e Neurologists are still looking for the causes of this intoxica- d r o s a t e tion with words in the electrical storm of the temporal lobe e i r t r h d and limbic system. s t r c e i y o h o Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoyevsky. Epilepsy and its dou- r , p i n f ble. The switch for words fetishism. Immersion in luxu- e h p i riousness of words. His words don’t speak, but radiate a e e g l thundering power of Liturgy enveloped in its magical aura. , l h i Temperature, taste, smell and colour. The alchemy of words. a t g Space and Formula. The sound a reader lends an ear to, re- g h gardless of its content. o t s

147 We were given a language, writes Jakob Boehme, that Ba- the twenty-fourth hour bylon no longer understands. It’s the language of Thoth and Zoroaster and Orpheus and Hermes Trismegistus. It is light carved into stone. Intoxication, stuttering, fervour. This is not literariness. A writer is a parasite of the real Lan- In the beginning, there was Sun. guage. A wooden keyboard. Literariness is Isostar for those There will also be in the end. who are afraid to listen to the Word, whittle it down and In between, it is you. surrender to it. Nothing original is in you. Vincent Van Gogh. Eight years. 860 paintings. 1,026 draw- Even less so about you. ings. 800 letters. You’re just a mix of strain and suffering of people who you’ve met in your life. Lewis Carroll also joined in the Hypergraphic marathon. 98,000 letters, a carnival of forms and stylistic particulari- You’re still suffering and smiling. ties. You’re still dying. His notorious shamanistic satire Alice in Wonderland skil- 2,000 years. fully photographs hallucinations and the remaining synaes- You’re dying and asking for Mercy and the Right to Eutha- thetic integrals. nasia.

you Brutality of Reality you Mythological Remix you An Event reincarnated into a Story

Your Intimate Bestseller flash

148 149 Your Solar Romance You were pierced and stabbed by kings, popes, Pharisees, flash Communists, revolutionaries, hippies, gays, feminists, ve- Your Sunrise gans, psychedelic gurus and farmers. flash Your Sunset We picked you right down to the bone and now you’re a flash skeleton. Your Solar Book A skeleton that dances in each and every one of us. flash Your Helio Biblio My Calcium Cabaret flash flash Your Holy Bible My Unrequited Euthanasia flash flash

How do I speak to you? In the beginning, there was Sun. Where do I look? There will also be in the end. Up? In between, it is you. Down? Inside? Outside?

As far as concerns you, there is no direction, no place, no being. Everything is in you, everything is of you. You give it all and receive nothing in return. you Corpus Hermeticum you Voodoo Marionette pierced with the needles of History

150 151 facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend.

n t u s e h n u w e d n r e j e r p e r r i t o u s h t s e e s c a r , a n c l o s t iii.p r o p h e t e t u o m h n r i n e g x c n e e p w t facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend. the twenty-fifth hour

h f w g Ivana is checking the ab-solvency-moves of her law firm for u o h o one last time. medusa & partners. m r a d a t The travelling bags are locked. n b g She’s ready for the flight. e g e She opens the screen of the MacBook Air laptop and press- r g o t es the enter key. i i d s g n Bank@Net. h n w enter t e a One thousand stories, one bank. s r n enter s t s She has been on sick leave for the last ten months, which is just fine with her. She has a medical examination. She has a check-up. She has no responsibilities.

She presses ctrl S.

We reward loyalty.

In the Nova kbm bank, we believe that loyalty is one of the finest gifts. To show our gratitude, we prepared thousands

155 of presents for our loyal customers and business partners. She presses enter. And more surprises await all those who will successfully in- She confirms her trust. troduce us to their friends and help to lay the foundations of magnificent new stories. A slight autumn breeze is blowing outside. She opens the window. She presses enter. Uploads an mp3. She confirms friendship. Lačni Franz. She presses enter. She presses ctrl H. They used to ask me:And why did you decide to become a Law- …today, the banks are asleep… yer? She presses ctrl T. - Because of Money and Faces. I wanted to observe the faces of people who lie. …sirens blare… They-say-one-thing-and-think-another. Criminals, politicians, clerics and bankers. Write your story in your own home. I thought that the vicinity of crime will help me to learn …tractors stay still… about the Mystery of human passions and memory. Let your home become a space that will inspire you to make She presses enter. new ideas, desires and goals a reality. A space where you will She confirms her thought. happily write your stories. To make the way to your new home, the one you always longed for, easier, we offer loans She presses ctrl I. tailored to you and your needs. Home comes first, payment second. A sound financial plan and good advice will help you to be ready for tomorrow. Entrust your money to the experts …workers work hard… who will help you to sustainably increase the value of your assets amidst a sea of information, opportunities and traps She presses enter. on domestic and world securities markets. She confirms the noble goals.

156 157 …today, the banks are asleep… facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend.

She lights a cigarette.

…sirens blare… s s s o o o She puts out a cigarette. n r r g r r …let’s look at this blue sky for one last time… y y f , , She calls a taxi. o r m g …let’s light up the crooks and pat our own backs… o o b m d She gets into a taxi. u . . d …let’s kiss our wife, children and lover… h click a Jože Pučnik Airport. n t …let champagnes sing our farewell … o n

https://www.youtube.com/ watch?v=vw7TjVO_XJk&list=PLPX335CIv mJWyrGGEea35tFekPrRmU5S-&index=7

158 Ivana is sitting on the back seat and observing the taxi driver. And that’s not all wot I got ter say. Looong baby finger nail, a golden cross around his neck, a Folks ‘re worse than rats. tuft of greasy hair on his head. I’d rob ‘em even of wot they still ‘ave. Do not judge, or you too will be judged! That lazy mob from the bloomin’ employmen’ service! I’d She takes her new iPhone out of her bag and types in the send them ter go an’ sort aahhht da rubbish. word god. Da fuck wif everythin’! iPhone immediately corrects the small initial so the screen reads God. Ivana is staring into the front-view mirror and taking in the A proof it truly exists. profile of a Neanderthal from the times of feudalistic plun- dering and clerical Darwinism. On the wind screen, next to the vignette, a white sheet of paper is taped sideways and bears a warning: My broad’s been wivaaaht work fer a year an’ a ‘alf. I don’t fnk me nerves can take much mawer. No pin. Only ka-ching! I spend da whole blinkin’ time in da car. While she stays at ‘ome, smokin’ fags, drinkin’ coffee an’ na - Dis is wot I ‘ave ter say, growls, rather than says, the taxi she’s taken ter readin’ da bloody books. driver. I said ter ‘er nicely yesterday. Wot I most wan’ in dis momen’ is ter leave everythin’, go If I see ya one mawer time wif a book in yaaahr hand, I’ll somewhere an’ never come back. burn ya an’ da fuckin’ book. Da fuck wif everythin’! Da fuck wif everythin’!

Da bloody mess they got us in. Ivana coughs quietly and asks. Da good-for-nothin’ mob. Sir, have you ever thought about suicide? Pigs, pigs, police. Red, an’ black, an’ orange. Do I look loik I’m aaaht of me mind? Da fuck wif everythin’! I could always take care of myself. And blimey ‘ell at that! Ivana is staring out of the window. Hops plantations. The whole Maribor knows me. Ya know wot I’ve gotta say ter ya?

160 161 You’re young, so you’ll understand. Red at the traffic lights. Krainer autism, Krainer sausage, a The main fngs is that there’s work. large billboard. Even if it’s not paid. I never say nah ter work. Vzajemna Insurance. I for you, you for me. I’m a proud Styrian I am. But I don’t give a fuck abaaaht those bleedin’ Yugo-chav- There are worst things than Prison. penguins. Freedom, for example. Some immigran’ came ter me a monf ago. We don’t want our Life to be free. Hey boss, wot do ya say abaaaht a ride ter Graz? Our melodramas resolved. And I told ‘im no-way-me-white-flaaawer-Comrade. Nuff Our mess cleaned up. said, yeah? Because what would we have left? Da fuck wif everythin’! One-big-scary-Unknown.

Ivana says she would like to listen to music and the taxi - There ya’re, I brought ya where ya need ter be, innit. driver finally silences his thoughts. I’d buy ya a bleedin’coffee but I ‘ave ter ‘ead straight back. The fuck wif everythin’! Val 202 radio station. Ivana gets out, pays and sighs deeply. In Ancient Greece, people were certain that their thoughts belong to the gods. Bye, Taxi. A thought as a divine sms. Bye, Cash. Today, people hear commercials, hurry off to do shopping Bye Janša-I-can’t-live-without-you-and-Zoki-don’t-be-so-blue* and call it free will. Homeland.

Ivana is looking into the rear view mirror and admiring the glint of the gold cross on taxi driver’s hairy neck. * tn: Slogans during 2012-13 nationwide protests in Slovenia against, and in support of, Janez Janša, the prime minister, and Zoran Janković, the head of the main opposition party and the mayor of the capital city, both of whom There are worst things than Murder in the world. have been accused of systemic, gross and repeated violations of the anti-cor- First, you give life to a child, then you force your own upon him. ruption legislation.

162 163 facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend. the twenty-sixth hour

z i i w When analysing travels into different worlds, we reinter- e f n h pret and redescribe our life. n y t t Orfan was listening attentively to the murmur of the oval m h h i Drum made of deer skin. o e i s m r s My Little Drum e e i flash n r t My Axis of the World t i o flash s o h My Intimate Rider m e flash n , r Boat propelled by neurosinaptical drive o e flash ? t He was kneeling in front of the Drum. v He was offering food to the spirits and reviving drum’s soul. On it, he put a pancake, poured honey dressing over the pancake, put another one on top of the first one, until the Drum spoke in its usual ecstatic speech.

My Little Glossolalia flash My Intimate cpg cpg cpg cpg cpg flash

165 He checked the time. Oldie entered. Oops. He took off his coat and sat on a chair. Oldie will be here in ten minutes. Black suit, brown suede shoes. Three times in front, two times from behind. Averagely built man. He put away his little altar, turned on the shimmering pur- Short grey hair. ple lights, adjusted his garters, wrapped a purple feather Brown, tiny, restless, slightly wolfish eyes. scarf around his neck and checked his reflection in the mirror one more time. Orfan picked the music. Shivaree. Goodnight Moon.

My Little Mirror They concluded the what-who-how-and-how-much-covenant. flash My Dorian Gray Orfan went down on his knees, put a condom on Oldie’s flash limp dick and started tossing him off.

A man’s silhouette with the collar turned up was swiftly …what should I do I am just a little baby… nearing the corner. In Amsterdam, the rain wasn’t falling. Oldie grabbed him for the broad purple silk sash. In Amsterdam, the wind wasn’t blowing. The silhouette with the collar turned up cast nervous looks …what if the lights go out… around and knocked. Orfan opened the door like a geisha from the mysterious He rubbed the slightly more erect dick even faster and put pleasure district in Kyoto. it into his mouth. White make-up, a spring kimono with embroidered sym- bols of the sun and moon and Crystal Clear Pussy rubber va- aaaahhh was Oldie pinching his nipples. gina safely fastened between his legs. The only thing that was missing was a samisen with three Orfan was licking the decrepit pecker and stuck his finger strings. into the sneaky ass.

166 167 oh oh oh, jumped up Oldie and pulled the silk sash even …what should I do I am just a little baby… harder. Oldie was panting ou yeah ou yeah, his balls were slap- Orfan lay down on the bed, lifted and spread his legs wide ping against rubber, Orfan was thrusting the vibrator in open. Oldie’s greasy butt, ah baby aaaah baby was shaking Old- ie’s flabby belly, then, Orfan wrapped his legs around Old- …so goodnight Moon… ie’s waist, rammed the vibrator all the way up the ass and pinched the hairy nipples, which made Oldie howl and pant Oldie threw his head between Orfan’s legs and started lick- oooooh aaaaah while his cock erupted all over the rubber ing Crystal Clear Pussy. Crystal Clear Pussy.

…what should I do I am just a little baby… …so goodnight Moon…

He was tossing his cock off with his right hand and explor- Oldie slumped on the bed with the vibrator in his arse, ing fresh rubber with his tongue. shooting furtive looks towards Orfan like a rabid dog. ahhh uuhh oooohhh, Orfan sang his Porno Glossolalia. Orfan slowly stood up, adjusted his feather scarf, sat down in front of the mirror and wrote the receipt. oh, yeah yeah baby, was squirting from Oldie’s prick, half of his face buried in the rubber pussy. …what should I do I am just a little baby…

Oldie rolled onto all fours, put Orfan’s legs onto his shoulders This is your Life and thrust his dick into the Crystal Clear Pussy rubber twat. flash Your Porno-kiri The rubber was freshly oiled and Oldie’s dick was smoothly flash gliding in-out-in-out. Oldie put on his coat with high collar and was gazing pen- Oldie was panting aaa ah oh baby uh baby oh yeah and sively at Orfan. Orfan rammed a vibrator in his arse. The drum was emitting strange sounds.

168 169 Oldie paid. facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend. Orfan became sick.

My Little Neurontin flash p i t My Emotional Anaesthetic o f h flash r e n y n The drum was getting louder. o o The deer’s skin was singing. l u y i o Orfan was too tired to listen. t a u i r …what should I do I am just a little baby… c e f s a He turned off the lights and fell asleep. h i e l …so goodnight Moon… r e e d

a g a i n

170 the twenty-seventh hour My Grand Inquisitor 2.0 click “They trust me - dumb fucks” click facebook. First chestnuts. Notes. Mark Zuckerberg click Maybe Reality 2.0 is something more than just the Death of the Real, of which we’re persistently being convinced by Jean Baudrillard. Maybe the New Gods that we created are less fragile and more palpable than we’re willing to believe. Maybe the space into which we enter every day is more mysterious and bent than what it seems on the first touch. Maybe every click is a ritual confirmation of the past, every copy & paste an open archive dedicated to the future.

My Digital Mass click Me and my Double click My sponsored-I-like-it-Story click

If the nineteenth century was the time of Novels, the twentieth the age of Film, then the twenty-first century is a liq- uefied dance of wrinkled Portals.

My Little Digiphrenia click

172 173 facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend. the twenty-eighth hour

h i t 3-2-1 u t h I walk m o e 3-2-1 a u r I talk n c e 3-2-1 h f I record t o o r Five in the morning. u e The last seven kilometres. c The soles are made of leather, thoughts light and awake. h i a Left, Right m Arthur, Vincent

Rapture of Mediterranean morning, Starbucks Coffee, absence of human prophesies.

Left, Left Jean Nicolas Rimbaud 20 October 1854, Charleville, France 10 November 1891, Marseille, France

Left, Left Arthur, Arthur

175 Rimbaud is Change. Une Saison en Enfer (1873) In life, in literature. click Illuminations (1874) Rimbaud is trop de. click Rimbaud is too much. Lettres (1870-1891). Rimbaud is too much everywhere he appears. click

Too bohemian for bohemians. Left, Left Too poetic for poets. Arthur, Arthur Too pioneering for pioneers. Life without compromise. Too smart for dealers in arms. 3-2-1 Shame he never became a politician. Stop

Left, Left My Little Tweet Arthur, Arthur click My Intimate Distillate Bibliography click click Le Soleil Était Encore Chaud (1866) distillate #4 click Poésies (1869-1873) “I is The Other” is the poetical equivalent of E=mc2. click Soleil et chair (1870) 3-2-1 click I walk Le bateau ivre (1871) 3-2-1 click I talk Proses Évangéliques (1872) 3-2-1 click I record

176 177 The real problem is, says Rimbaud, monstrosity of the My Little Passion Soul. flash My Intimate Armageddon The word monstrosity derives from the Latin verb moneo. flash To warn. In mythology, it’s usually embodied in a harpy, gorgon, 3-2-1 sphinx, centaur, and nymph. I breathe Monstrous creatures are oracles. 3-2-1 Prophets and prophetesses. I walk They are here to alarm, warn, and distract people, to bring restlessness and instability, to throw the world out of its This will be my First Death sweet routine, comfort and numbness. flash Walkman of Misery But who would want such disturbances today, in the age of flash c-om-posed personalities, positive thoughts, Facebook rev- iPod of Love olution, Twitter intrigues and the remaining information flash uploads? iTouch of Spirit But. flash Facebook is not internet. Arles-Marseilles Facebook is a website. flash We are not users. 73.8km We are products. flash Marketing profiles. So I don’t forget Social graphs. flash All empty. My name is Brother All visible. flash And. I enjoy the Theatre of Falling We like it. flash I confirm the Patient Paradox

178 179 flash Enormous and prophetic. This is a long Path flash The majority of writers and the rest of the literary dwarfs And I’m the only Pilgrim archive reviews, count standard pages, rise glasses with flash critics, examine political agendas and other selfish-gene- I’ve put on the shoes of my ancestors multiplication-tables. flash Everyone is multiplying, subtracting, calculating. I’m ready for Death Everyone is waiting for the next Elections and the next War.

Left, Right We live in the time of viruses, information, Arthur, Vincent quantum physics and post-Marxist angst. In a world without Mysteries. Every writer obsessively uses and repeats certain words which reveal more than any biography. What Words has a Poet at his disposal in the time of cultural technocracy Left, Left and cryptomanic Darwinism? Arthur, Arthur 3-2-1 Éternité / infini / charité / solitude / angoisse / lumière / aube Stop / soleil / My Little Tweet Amour / beauté / inoui / pitié / démon / ange / paradis / enfer click / ennui / My Intimate Distillate click When I think of Rimbaud, I think of Time, Space and the Event. distillate #5 When I think of Rimbaud, I ask myself why, in this moment, I don’t know of any Poet who would want to make Language is a Liquid Sculpture, moving and transform- their soul monstrous. ing in mysterious ways.

180 181 3-2-1 Left, Right I walk Arthur, Vincent 3-2-1 I talk How are they different? 3-2-1 What do they have in common? I record Van Gogh is a Sower. The soul of Arthur Rimbaud is monstrous. Rimbaud a Seed. His Language is Alchemy and Revelation. Van Gogh The Great Inspirer. That’s why he’s Absolutely Modern. Rimbaud The Great Martyr. Van Gogh is Sun and Rain. 3-2-1 Rimbaud Moon and Lightning. Stop What links them is the purity of their Work. Giving and Suffering. My Little Tweet The less they requested, the less they received. flash My Intimate Distillate Left, Right flash Arthur, Vincent distillate #6 The world of being is higher than the world of possessing. It always was, will always be. Author is not Dead. Author has not been born yet. Kardia ametanoetos flash Left, Right A dark heart that spends all his life worrying about iPhone, Arthur, Vincent car and favourable skiing conditions flash Their life is a Collapse of Reality. Their life is a Bang of Sacrality.

182 183 Right, Right distillate #7 Vincent, Vincent Sometimes breaking the Wave is just extending the Wave. In one of his letters, Van Gogh is defending himself from The same goes for the Heart. the pressures and reproaches of his family. He defends his Desire that shakes him to his very core. He writes: You may 3-2-1 not always be able to say what it is that confines, that immures, I stand that seems to bury, and yet you feel I know not what bars, I And I wonder know not what gates — walls. Mediterranean. Right, Right Marseille Provence Airport. Vincent, Vincent … the Mediterranean — has a colour like mackerel, in other words, changing — you don’t always know if it’s green You know, what makes the prison disappear is every deep, seri- or purple — you don’t always know if it’s blue — because a ous attachment. To be friends, to be brothers, to love; that opens second later, its changing reflection has taken on a pink or the prison through sovereign power, through a most powerful grey hue. Writes Vincent in June 1888. spell. Am I dreaming? But he who doesn’t have that remains in death. No. But where sympathy springs up again, life springs up again. This-is-it.

3-2-1 My Little Airport Stop click My Terminal mp2 My Little Tweet click click My Intimate Distillate Air conditioning is on. click Passengers are sipping on their beer, stroking their screens, buying plastic sunglasses.

184 185 Nearly dead, facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend. I’m taking off the shoes of my ancestors. r a a m w h h o My Little Passion e i l a o u a n flash a r w k n m v My Big Blister d p a e d a e e flash e o y e n a My Asepta Classic r r s m r a r flash t e b t i s i e f h I’m the twenty-second image of the Tarot of Marseilles. n f i u Tarot de Marseille. n t The last in the deck. m g u No letters, no numbers. a s r Le Mat. r e A fool waiting for the flight Air France 8285, 202€, Economy s Class. e i l l e

186 the twenty-ninth hour the thirtieth hour

facebook. It’s thundering. Notes. Tender Breast Lazaretum. Brown entrance door. Déjà Truth Gravitation nailed onto the Milky Cross. Or Everything is Illuminated Wilhelmina is ready to leave. click Her last breakfast. Gift from Gods in the Summer afternoon Bible & Pancakes. click http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iczIxpEDR40&list=PLPX335 Little black snakes are swaying lazily in front of her eyes. CIvmJUXWucFrD1k6OKFiZXm5rGJ&index=3* click 1 Corinthians 1:19: I will destroy the wisdom of the wise; the in- telligence of the intelligent I will frustrate.

Her bags are plopped beside the plate smeared with marmalade.

Her blue Albert Heijn bag flash Her Tegretol cr flash Her Metro newspaper flash Her Het Nieuwe Testament

* http://www.youtube.com/user/TheSowersower – Gift from Gods in the flash Summer afternoon

188 189 Her mysterious stock of Valium teeth is talking animatedly to a young Korean who wants to flash deepen her relationship with God.

At the neighbours’. Jesus died on a cross. Green door. flash Blue neon. By doing this, did he conquer evil? Orfan is kneeling in front of the Drum and listening. flash Did he redeem anyone? My Little Glossolalia flash flash Did he teach anyone anything? My cpg cpg cpg flash flash Did he say everything he knew? flash The shaman is being blessed by Death & Resurrection. Did he do everything he had to? Drum & Pancakes. flash

At the neighbours’. At the neighbours’. Brown entrance door. Green door. Gravitation nailed onto the Milky Cross. Blue neon.

Wilhelmina addresses an unknown tourist who is sitting Orfan carefully pours honey dressing over a pancake. behind a computer and frantically searching a flight for San Francisco. My Little Glossolalia flash - I first spoke to Jesus when he was already dead. My cpg cpg cpg flash The guy gives her a patronising smile. At the reception desk, an Israeli volunteer with wire in her I first spoke to my father when he was already dead. A lavish funeral.

190 191 Thousands of psalms. It is that the global network of dna-based life emits ultra-weak Hundreds of black-sunglasses. radio waves, which are currently at the limits of measurement, Innumerable genetically pious white chrysanthemums. but which we can nonetheless perceive in states of de-focaliza- tion, such as hallucinations and dreams. As the aperiodic crys- Pancake. Dressing. tal of dna is shaped like two entwined serpents, two ribbons, a twisted ladder, a cord, or a vine, we see in our trances serpents, A shaman is one of the rare people, perhaps the only one, ladders, cords, vines, trees, spirals, crystals, and so on. Because who can travel from one dimension to another without sus- dna is a master of transformation, we also see jaguars, caim- taining any injuries. ans, bulls, or any other living being. But the favourite newscast- ers on dna-tv seem unquestionably to be enormous, fluorescent Pancake. Dressing. serpents. This leads me to suspect that the cosmic serpent is narcissistic— On their travel to the Underground, the shamans, like the or, at least, obsessed with its own reproduction, even in image- dead, have to cross a Bridge. ry. Death and shamanic ecstasy involve transformation which mythology describes as a perilous magical flight on a regu- Pancake. Dressing. lar route Underground-Earth-Sky. Shamans of all peoples speak a secret language, the lan- The shamans themselves understand very clearly the meaning guage of nature that enables them to communicate with of these metaphors and they call them tsai yoshtoyoshto, liter- spirits. ally “language-twisting-twisting”. This expression could also be translated as “twisted language”. Pancake. Dressing. Pancake. Dressing. In his book The Cosmic Serpent, Jeremy Narby describes interesting comparisons and common elements in content Why do Yaminahua shamans talk in twisted language? between the language of spirits of nature and the language of dna. According to one of them: “With my koshuiti I want to see— singing, I carefully examine things—twisted language Pancake. Dressing. brings me close but not too close—with normal words I

192 193 would crash into things—with twisted ones I circle around That’s why my stomach, eyes and all bones hurt. them—I can see them clearly.” That’s why I’m soloing-and-dying-from-the-inside-out. That’s why I’m Orfan. Pancake. Dressing. The one who crossed his Line. As far as its material aspect or its form is concerned, dna is a doubly double text that wraps around itself. In other words, it is At the neighbours’. a “language-twisting-twisting”. Brown entrance door. As far as both its content and its form are concerned, dna is a Gravitation nailed onto the Milky Cross. doubly double language that wraps around itself. Just like the twisted language of the spirits of nature. Wilhelmina again addresses the unknown tourist who is sitting behind a computer and frantically searching a flight Pancake. Dressing. for San Francisco.

My Little Glossolalia - I first spoke to Jesus when he was already dead. flash My cpg cpg cpg The guy looks at her wearily, stands up and throws five cents flash onto the plate smeared with marmalade. Wilhelmina starts rocking backwards-forwards rapidly. Orfan suddenly turns pale and falls. She checks her Jesus Daily one last time. His head jerks abruptly to the left. god is good all the time He feels like vomiting-pissing-and-shitting. Fuck it. 103,365 people like it, one person exclaimed yeeeessssss! This-is-how-it-goes. It’s-not-great-but-anything-goes. At the neighbours’. People lie. Green door. Drum never. Blue neon. That’s why I have no choice. Orfan stands up slowly, pours himself water and opens a That’s why I’m shaking, foaming, I can’t see and can’t hear. drawer.

194 195 My Little Neurontin We need Spirits. flash We need Animals. My Emotional Trampoline The language of animals is the language of spirits. flash A mystical solidarity exists between humans and animals. The archaeology of buzzing, howling, roaring, meowing, He sits down on the bed, opens a snowy white Apple and thundering, rustling, mooing and barking. presses play. Britain’s-got-talent. I’m waiting for you Jake Bugg. For I’m broken click Do you still remember the moments when you believed I’m waiting for you that life is but a big, exciting, sacral Adventure? For I’m broken This is exactly what spirits want. There is no Spirit without spirits. For us to believe again in all those-impossible-and-thrilling Shamanic journey is a performative matrix of all the possi- things which themselves are not able to do anymore. ble narratives. That’s why they need us. That’s why we need them. Bright, sacrifice, Came around, never broken. Down in the valley where the church bells cry, I’ll lead them over to your eyes, A screaming stuttering of spirits. Twisted, intertwined glossolalia. Shaman speaks in the trance of alchemical for- Orfan lights a cigarette and calls Kinga. mulas, creates metaphors, flies through cracks and hidden places, pierces hearts, makes music out of muteness, the - Are you still alive, answers a croaky voice. deaf can hear, the paralysed can walk, mountains move, storms calm down, water turns crimson. - Alive, answers Orfan quietly.

Down by the people if they let you breathe - So, are you working today?

196 197 - Yes. Tell him to come. Tell him we’re expecting him. facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend.

- You’re expecting him? croaks Kinga Xtravaganza and breaks off the conversation. s t e r But I must carry on l u Always one f e Never broken - m i At the neighbours’. a n Gravitation nailed onto the Milky Cross. d i Wilhelmina opens the brown entrance door. e t i Fresh air, gentle breeze. a t Life is changing. i Life is changing fast. o Life is changing too fast. n You get up, eat your pancakes, and life that once belonged to you is gone. n e A question of self-pity? v e r

e n d s ! 198 the thirty-first hour A generic assortment of suppressed sodium, calcium and chloride channels disguised in bright colours and exotic names. Her Mind finally got used to the absence of falling, but Ivana is standing at the exit of the Amsterdam Schiphol air- her Body is still lingering amidst the ruins of Memory and port. stumbling along. She’s wearing light grey Armani jeans and a tight white She’s lagging behind her Mind. shirt with black writing, As thought her Brain is only a landing strip for Thoughts sent from Space. Relax, I am the one with epilepsy!

A Richard Dawkins’ photo robot with a bob haircut.

The same smile. The same look. What a coincidence. Miraculous genome.

There is a gentle and fresh breeze outside. She’s a little tired but too excited to sit down. She’s waiting for a man wearing a black shirt with white writing, Epilepsy With Attitude!

Suddenly, she feels sick. A wave of absence washes over her body. Her left knee buckles slightly but she doesn’t fall. Not anymore. The market is overflowing with antiepileptics.

200 201 facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend. - hey! a young man breathes into Ivana’s neck and appar- ently-startles-her. z g t w a e h i He’s wearing that-black-shirt-with-white-writing, knee- z t i l length black hiking trousers and thick-woolly-fluorescent- e s l Macchu-Picchu socks. n u He’s holding a pair of Mirrelle hiking boots in his left hand, s i f iPhone in his right, and presses the button. e s e jpeg. d e For a moment, Ivana feels young. h l t o I’m brother, he offers her hand happily. o w o n Confused, Ivana shakes his hand. t y e She expected almost everything, but certainly not a shoe- h o less young man. a u d Tired, they smile and wave a taxi driver over awkwardly. t r a y Centre, says Brother and sits down on the back seat. f w e h A taxi driver with a cleft lip drives silently. e o Brother is rewinding his off-the-record-mission. l l Ivana is observing his reflection in the front view mirror i e with interest. n Tall, almost skinny. g l Black curls cut short. i Green eyes, a shy radar fixed on her. f e

203 Ivana and Brother. People, bicycles, cars, trams, semaphores, lights, ships, Six months of on-line-epi-chatroom. boats, seagulls, scattered over the sea and sky, are pouring Ivana and Brother. like an electric protoplasm into a liquid portal of melan- Adam and Eve. cholic anticipation. An apple with no bite taken out. The round the corner past the Chang Express Chinese res- Ivana and her Concern. taurant. Why are there Ten Commandments and only seven deadly They opt for a porno-walk with the starting point at Smart sins? Zone. The Amstel River is creasing as a glistening silk carpet quilt- Brother and his Tweet. ed with blue and green neon reflections. Some Russian tourist wearing a green Free Pussy Riot shirt marches out of the distillate #8 Live Sex cabin and spits loudly in front of Ivana’s new shoes.

Under the Light of Moon Van Gogh, September 1888, night café in Arles: … the there is no such Thought painting is one of the ugliest I’ve done. It’s the equivalent, as a Stranger. though different, of the potato eaters. I’ve tried to express the terrible human passions with the red Ivana senses. and the green. This will be an ultimate-android-experience. The room is blood-red and dull yellow, a green billiard table Brother knows. in the centre, 4 lemon yellow lamps with an orange and green This will be a night without a condom. glow. Everywhere it’s a battle and an antithesis of the most different greens and reds; in the characters of the sleeping ruffians, Central Station, smiles the taxi driver with a cleft lip and small in the empty, high room, some purple and blue. The blood- stops the taximeter. red and the yellow-green of the billiard table, for example, con- trast with the little bit of delicate Louis xv green of the counter, Brother pays. where there’s a pink bouquet.

204 205 A feeling of fogginess suddenly pierces Ivana’s body. They are waiting proudly and persistently for the alchemical Her step slows down. distillation in the underground laboratory of eroticism, the Déjà Vu. space of mythology, death, humiliations, silver, gold, con- Reanimation of Time. doms and credit cards. She’s moving slowly with her Samsonite travelling bag, wearing a tight-white-shirt-with-that-black-writing. Ivana and Brother breathe in deeply and exchange looks. Planet Neptune. Relax, I am the one with Epilepsy ! They turn towards the Dam market. Cyclists are ringing their bells and waving nervously. She asks Brother. A couple in front of them stops. The man reaches his hand out and lights his sweetheart’s - Can you imagine life as one big Déjà Vu? cigarette with a lighter. Brother, wearing thick-woolly-fluorescent-Macchu-Picchu An intimate, smoky cocoon conceals them from view. socks, dazed from the walk and flashing lights, lost in his Brother sneezes. petit mal absence, doesn’t answer. Ivana sends him an sms. Bless you  Jolee, a prostitute wearing a black silk bikini, touches the piercing in her belly button, puts her left leg on a velvety The night is twisting and expanding onto itself. armchair and waves to Brother. They cross the first bridge. Brother smiles and nods. Leaves are falling on top of green wooden benches, prepar- ing them for a long winter. Alchemical stone sculptures are boasting from the tall wall Brother’s fluorescent socks are wrapped around his ankles of the suck & fuck gallery. like an electric Amazonian snake quilted with chromosomes. A pelican, the sun, moon, green lion, red lion, little peacock, He grabs his iPhone and points it at Ivana. big peacock. jpeg  A family of white swans is gliding over the watery surface of Ivana smiles while counting the alchemical iconography blue and yellow neon. on the facades of tall old houses embracing each other and Subversive bodies of prostitutes sit on bar stools as prima swaying on the watery surface. materia. They are nearing a small, charming Hartenstraat Street.

206 207 Her new brown leather Prada shoes, the model with sailor caught in the pipette and Bunsen burner. heel, are echoing over granite cubes. But the night comes to an end, flames in the burner die Finally. down and the Word vanishes into its hiding place. A little hotel, narrow door. Hartenstraat 8. My Alchemical Oven flash Ivana enters. My Intimate Distillate Brother stops for a moment. flash A big gold pentagram is hung in the neighbouring display window. distillate #9 Lectorium Rosicrucianum. Under the pentagram, a big book. The Alchemical Distillation of Revelation is the only Lan- Brother is reading with interest. guage that matters.

The truth is not like the world where a man sees the sun without becoming the sun himself, where he sees the sky and earth and everything else, without being the sky, earth and everything else himself. In the kingdom of truth, you see a fragment of truth and you become it yourself. You see Spirit and you become Spirit yourself. You see Christ, you become Christ. You see Father, you become Father yourself. In this world, you can see all the things but you can’t see yourself. However, in the other world, you can see yourself. For what you see there, you become yourself.

He walks to the little bridge and leans onto the railing. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath of the fresh, cool air. He feels like an Eavesdropper, an Alchemist, who, night after night, admires the fiery hieroglyphs and metaphors

208 209 facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend. the thirty-second hour

p i c m a h r y n Every Death begins with a Moon’s reflection in the water. i l i s d l i m t Orfan thought of his Dutch parents with porcelain blue o k i e c eyes for a moment. s e n r o w Decent people. o a i f i Devoted Protestants. p a l e f t Superstitious townspeople. h n s s e h Windows wide open. y g e o Hearts shut tight. e u People who have everything they need. o l t People who have nothing they want. f s They wanted a Child. m They got Orfan. b i Orfan as a challenge. o l A Child without Time. u k A Child outside Time. d A Child flirting with Time. o i That afternoon, they were sleeping in front of the televi- r sion. Their spit was slowly trickling down their lips and chin. Orfan stole two drops and sent both test tubes to the laboratory. A letter arrived in a week. Their algorithm didn’t match his.

211 He bought two tulips. facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend. Stuck them in a vase. Propped an envelope against it. And left. s i w i w u f h f h Orfan’s Genetic Sculpture n e o flash d t r t Orfan’s Intimate Archive a h e h a flash y e e m Orfan’s Birthday r i r flash p e s e i A mistake he’ll spend his whole life trying to put right i ? flash c i a i n s s i w c n o n o r o d b ? w e o g r i d n n i n g

212 Every Death begins with a Moon’s reflection in the water. It was Monday. Day of the Open Curtains. Pornologic beings were cleaning their mini cathedrals in The Moon was chewing the leftovers of the human Time. the bent space behind the Red Curtain. Prostitutes in their garters and push-up-bra lace were Every Death begins with a Moon’s reflection in the water. sweeping the entrance halls of their altars. The wicker brooms were ritually skimming the paving Orfan was ready. stones. Oldie also. The Porno Tsunami was vanishing in the clouds of dust, He was sitting in the Room of Mirrors built into the Oude swearwords and discarded condoms. Kerk right wing and waiting. The surface of the cursed and taxed love was glistening like The Bible on the wooden stand from the 17th century was a Monastic Routine without the Gregorian Choral. quietly serenading and he felt as though he was staring into the Black Box with the fatal moment before the downfall of It was Monday. God caught in it. Day of the Open Curtains. A large oval mirror, in front of which Rembrandt and his wife Saskia kissed for the first time, was fixed on the wall. Small-digital displays were fixed above the suck & fuck gal- Oldie got up and caught his reflection for a moment. leries, the text of the song Dark Side of The Moon scrolling on them. Mirror of Dorian Gray flash A huge-neon-pink-elephant on the facade of the Casa Rosso Oldie and his double theatre was inviting people to see the erotic variety show. flash Fifty Shades of Grey The Pink Floyd texture was gliding along the canals and fac- flash es of people. A slithering digital Fate supported by Made in China electrodes. When a human dies, a glamorous flash unfurls in front of his eyes. The steam of bodily and linguistic hedonism was mingling A ball of light moulded from memory. with the smell of hashish, pizza and Chinese food.

214 215 The light of death penetrates everything, even the most facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend. hidden layers of being. If a human is wicked, the flash is short, murky and dis- torted. b m s A deathly enthusiasm burnt onto at dvd with low resolu- r e e tion. o p Oldie who was wearing a green tweed suit was pale. t a a He breathed in deeply and headed towards the exit. h n r e d a Your Intimate Hell r t click s m e Your Optics of Wickedness y d click k You Tube with a wrong resolution a d a click r e t a a m t b a h i z , r o t v h

216 Every Death begins with a Moon’s reflection in the water. conversation into a dialogue, sigh into stage directions. Orfan is sitting in front of the mirror. His body is trapped in a black corset with a long, extrava- This is your Life. gant Sufi style crinoline. Your Porno-kiri. He’s slowly puffing cigarette smoke. Instead of thrusting a sword into your stomach, you’re His reflection is dissolving into grotesque metaphors. banging squashy, small, big, fat and flabby asses who want to hear that even the worst blow job is nicer than the smell This is your story caught in a blow-job-synopsis with the ad- of the elder tree and every amateur redtube more magnifi- dition of Vaseline Extra. cent than the sunset in full-hd.

This is your Life. This is your Life. Your Porno Drama. Your Porno Drama. Déjà-vu-du. The moment before Birth as the Trailer. Everything-seen-everything-clicked. The moment after Death as the Roll Credit. All these google-search-stories. All these lives wrapped in a screenwriting workshop for be- Throbbing lights on the mirror are blessing the Christ’s ginners. Transfiguration on the Mountain hanging above the bed. The snowy white Apple is resting. This is the Space, The drum is silent. where every vat becomes Salvation, every blow job a Confession, On the shelf in front of the mirror, a huge book bearing the every pimp a Priest. title The Brothers Karamazov is resting next to the make- up bag. This is the Time, The book was a gift by Wilhelmina. when your every day changes into a sequence, She was given the book by Pastor. music into a soundtrack, Pastor always helps. dress into a costume,

218 219 Orfan strokes the cover and opens the novel-in-four-parts- Orfan walks to a neat Fucking Machine Mobile with a big ol- with-an-epilogue. ive green silicone dildo fastened onto it. Oldie smiles at the Steam Engine of Pornography. … All we Karamazovs are such insects, and, angel as you are, Orfan points the tube into Oldie’s ass and presses play. that insect lives in you, too, and will stir up a tempest in your Oldie moans. blood. Tempests, because sensual lust is a tempest—worse than Orfan lights himself a cigarette and starts playing with but- a tempest! Beauty is a terrible and awful thing! It is terrible be- tons. cause it has not been fathomed and never can be fathomed, for Forwards-backwards-fast-slow. God sets us nothing but riddles. … Oldie is panting like a steam locomotive with a leather ball in its mouth. There’s a knock on the door. Forwards-backwards-fast-slow. Oldie is biting the leather and squeezing his arse. Oldie comes in. Orfan presses the double speed button. The green tweed dress makes his pallor and the Asiatic fea- Oldie is kneeling, humbly banging his head against the wall tures of his sunken face slightly more pronounced. and celebrating the Christ’s Transfiguration on the Moun- Orfan writes the receipt. tain. Oldie pays. Orfan turns off the throbbing light. Matthew 17:2-3: His face shone like the sun, and his clothes be- Oldie takes off his clothes. came as white as the light. Orfan uncovers a large leather bed in the shape of the letter X. Oldie lays down on it. The Dark Side Of The Moon is loudly echoing from the Casa Orfan ties Oldie’s thighs and back with leather belts. Rosso theatre. Oldie’s cock is throbbing. Orfan pulls the leather strip from Oldie’s mouth, lifts up his Orfan ties Oldie’s hands onto his back and handcuffs them. crinoline, shoves his roaring dick down Oldie’s throat, ad- Oldie is lying on his back as the One who is waiting for his just his hair and: first Enema. Orfan ties Oldie’s mouth with a leather belt and thrusts a all that you touch padded leather ball in it. forwards Oldie can barely swallow his spit. all that you see

220 221 backwards and everyone you meet all that you taste oooooh forwards all that you slight all you feel in the mouth backwards and everyone you fight all that you love in the ass slow all that is now all that you hate oooh yeeah in the mouth all that is gonne all you distrust oooooh aaaaah in the ass all that‘s to come all you save ooooooh my forwards and everything under the sun is in tune all that you give my my mmmy backwards but the sun is eclipsed by the moon all that you deal God! faster all that you buy, beg, borrow or steal Orfan takes his cock from Oldie’s throat and sprays him all even faster over his florid and wanton face. all you create Oldie bangs his head against the wall one more time and in the mouth meekly thanks Christ for his Transfiguration on the Moun- all you destroy tain. in the ass all that you do Luke 9:29: As he was praying, the appearance of his face forwards changed, and his clothes became as bright as a flash of lightning. all that you say backwards Orfan turns off the Fucking Machine Mobile. all that you eat He unfastens Oldie’s thighs which turned blue, unlocks the ooh handcuffs and throws him paper towels.

222 223 Oldie can barely stand on his feet. Scot with hot potato chips, the chips fly high over the cloud His heart is thumping loudly, his legs are shaking, and his of hashish and fall on the ground like wedding rice in the mouth is dry and stiff. Mediterranean courtyard.

Orfan opens the corset and takes off the crinoline. cpg cpg cpg He puts on faded Armani jeans and a black shirt with white writing Mad Processor. Orfan steps on ketchup and barely catches his balance.

Oldie is looking at Orfan with a confused and scared ex- cpg cpg cpg pression on his face and washing himself in the bidet. Deer’s skin, pulled taut over the drum, sings. Oldie turns left, past a large Tattoo Gallery and pushes open the heavy Oude Kerk door. My Little Glossolalia flash cpg cpg cpg My cpg cpg cpg flash The cash register is closed, the church empty.

Oldie quickly puts on the green tweed suit, puts on his cpg cpg cpg shoes without socks and runs out of the room. Orfan is standing behind his back and grabs him for the cpg cpg cpg shoulder.

Orfan follows him. cpg cpg cpg cpg cpg cpg Oldie closes his eyes. Genesis 22:7: Isaac spoke up and said to his father Abraham, Oldie crosses a bridge, the Bar Abba coffee shop, jostles and “Father?” pushes against disoriented tourists, crashes into a small “Yes, my son?” Abraham replied.

224 225 Orfan grabs Oldie’s right hand, twists it onto his back and The Japanese tourist clicks his mini Sony. jpeg. The Return leads him for a short stroll along the Gallery of Ancestors. of the Prodigal Son. A father and son woven into the can- They are sauntering quietly over the gravestones, bones, vas glazed with Rembrandt’s mystical light. Aging hands, ashes, gliding past the huge colourful rosettes, past a Pi- wrapped in the golden, olive green sleeves, laid onto the geon that has just returned to Noah’s Ark, past the bread shoulders of the kneeling son, dressed in tattered clothes. and fish, past the drunken Lot and his lustful daughters, The gloom of human existence illuminated by gentleness. and all the way to the large gravestone of De Graeff family. Hands that rest on the shoulders and wait for anyone who Orfan opens the iron gate. wants to accept the mercy from the infinite canvas of Love. They enter a cement Protestant horseshoe lit by a strong yellow spotlight. cpg cpg cpg cpg cpg cpg Orfan is staring fixedly into the brown Asiatic eyes. This is my Father. Orfan pushes Oldie against the wall and looks him straight Always-dead-and-never-dead. into his brown Asiatic eyes. This is just another day in his life. This is just another day in my life. cpg cpg cpg A proof of how time circulates around our bodies. Time with no end. On the other side of town, in the enormous Magna Plaza Blood without borders. commercial centre, a Japanese tourist is staring into a digital reproduction of Rembrandt’s masterpiece. Rembrandt’s Orfan and Oldie have almost stopped breathing. spiritual testament, the glow of inner baroque, the paintbrush of compassion and grace. In that moment, Oldie draws out his knife and puts it onto Orfan’s neck. Oldie jerks his right hand free and quickly puts it into his Orfan kicks him into the stomach with his knee, the knife jacket pocket. slips past his neck and falls on the ground. He touches his cold Victorinox. Orfan kicks Oldie, again and with all his strength, in the flaccid and empty balls. cpg cpg cpg Oldie is writhing in agony.

226 227 He holds him by the head, lifts the old and recently fucked This is my life. body, grabs the knife, looks him into the rabid Asiatic eyes This is my Father-kiri. and hisses softly: Abraham and Isaac recorded in the rear-view mirror. Orfan is moving towards the exit. - How do you call this son-fucks-his-lost-father-fetish The rain is pouring down outside. again? He suddenly sees a huge Sun in front of his eyes.

- I didn’t know this was you, comes a barely audible whis- Look at all this Evil! per from Oldie. Where does it come from? - not the first time. What about the second, third, fourth? Who is it intended for? - Let’s talk about this. Let’s go and eat something. Money’s not a problem. He starts trembling.

- No, money’s not a problem. you are the problem! Look at all this Beauty!

Someone walks into the Church. Where does it come from?

Oldie hits Orfan in the ribs. Who is it intended for? Orfan moans quietly, covers Oldie’s mouth with his hand, drives the knife deeply into the stomach and pulls violently. He’s slowly making his way towards the Central Station. Up and over. The rain is washing the blood off his aching palms. Arteria iliaca is cut. Above the harbour, he suddenly sees a black unicorn. Blood pours out of the stomach. Then, a white one. Red blood on olive green tweed. After the white one, a red one. Orfan starts feeling sick. Oldie drops to the ground. Then, he can’t see anything anymore.

228 229 facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend. the thirty-third hour t y y r h o o e e u u i Ivana and Brother are lying in a small hotel room with a big n bed and frayed Persian carpet. p d f c Five in the morning. o o o a Fox Crime. w n r r The screen is trembling. e ‘ c n The dead laugh. r t e a Actors cry. t All these little doses of emotions. o k t e f i h The night went by over a dinner without tulips, with cof- l e fee, water and an oral stroll through the history of epilepsy. l l m o Today Epilepsy v p t flash e e o Yesterday a Possessed Spirit o flash p l An illness which elevated Brother, a student of mathemat- e ics and design, into a passionate reader of Van Gogh letters and Rimbaud’s revelations, and turned Ivana into a Dar- winian doubt who wants to see more than a mere chemical reaction of oxidation in the Tragic Fire of Saint Joan of Arc.

Again, they underlined, in a loud-and-clear manner, all the prejudices about the sacred illness related to the hand of

231 sin, god of Moon, flood of the brain, obsession with demons I can only save my life by finding and preserving the Mem- and ill-natured turns in the head. They had fun listening to ory that truly defines me. Oliver Sacks stories, cybernetic and neurological tapestries with happy endings and a retrospective of ted symposiums What is this Memory like? that presents every brain deviation in such a bizarrely lucid Where does it come from? way that people, if unable to go mad, would want to acquire Where does it go? at least one brain tumour. Is it really only mine? Brother turns off the tv. Ivana is asleep. Who knows? Brother stands up. Hi sits down on a windowsill and turns on his iPod. My Little Tweet Ivana’s breathing is steady. click She was right. My Intimate Distillate Adam and Eve without the apple strudel. click Ultimate android experience. A night without a condom. distillate #9

How did it all began? Not the Wind / Not the Rain / The Heart is moving With a Word caught in a personal Altar. With a blue planet tattooed with Time. Suddenly he feels the familiar nausea. And in the end? From the stomach up. Is the unconditional offering of oneself even possible? From the knee down. Without fear, without shame, without calculating frame? The right arm jerks violently. The head drops onto the chest. Brother looks out of the window. The rain is pouring down outside. Amstel River. He sees a huge Sun in front of his eyes. Imagine that I’m drowning right-this-moment in this-very- iPod falls on the floor. river. Then, he can’t see anything anymore.

232 233 facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend. the thirty-fourth hour

… … … t t t t t Wilhelmina is waiting for the Evening Mass. h o o o h a e The Roman Catholic Church of Saint Nicholas t l c p flash o r e r The Light in Town i v e n e flash s e a e a The Trough of Life t t l flash a b e r … m e a Pastor said that they sell Big Lies in it, o y b t fabricated at the Big Factory in Rome. r o e e Pastor knows what he’s saying. e n y Pastor always helps. d o b n e People are entering silently and dipping their pale fingers d d y into the Sacred Valium. e o The Blessed Water and its double. s t n Saint Wilhelmina and her Mission. i h d The Church is quivering in the candlelight. r e A candle for a euro. e A euro for a Psalm. … n The Devil and its Double. e In front of the Altar, there are black wooden chests with the e writing Astro Zone on them. d The chests are full. … 235 People are well fed. Why does money have such a soothing and invigorating ef- The Grand Inquisitor is content. fect on people?

… We have corrected Thy work and have founded it upon mira- What chemical reactions are triggered in the body? cle, mystery and authority. And men rejoiced that they were Which functions are doubled? again led like sheep, and that the terrible gift that had brought Do neurons dance, neurotransmitters sing, hormones play, them such suffering was, at last, lifted from their hearts. Were synapses clap? we right teaching them this? Speak! Did we not love mankind, so meekly acknowledging their feebleness, lovingly lightening A priest with a red epidermis and dressed in a white gown their burden, and permitting their weak nature even sin with walks onto a stage. our sanction? … People stand up. He taps the microphone and opens the Bible. Wilhelmina is sitting in the last row and observing the little black snakes squirming in front of her eyes. … Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be The Spanish and Argentinean believers are opening their tempted by the devil. After fasting forty days and forty nights, wallets. he was hungry. … In the entrance hall, the street musician with a guitar and an amplifier is playing Love Hurts of Nazareth. Karl Marx described money as the visible divinity. A frozen cocktail of Time and Free Will. … Thou didst not come down from the Cross when they shouted Marx was a Tsar and, like every Tsar, he was predictable and to Thee, mocking and reviling Thee, “Come down from the cross fallible. and we will believe that Thou art He.” Thou didst not come down, The emperor in the clothes of proletariat. for again Thou wouldst not enslave man by a miracle, and didst We are swimming in a pool of ideas, questions and morals. crave faith given freely, not based on miracle. Thou didst crave for A pseudo-reasonable bath of Darwinism, Freudianism and free love and not the base raptures of the slave before the might Marxism. that has overawed him for ever. But Thou didst think too highly The foundation of Darwinism, as explained by Bertrand of men therein, for they are slaves, of course, though rebellious by Russell, is a big mistake. Darwinism had projected the ba- nature. Look round and judge; fifteen centuries have passed, look sic thought of writers of the 18th century English econo- upon them. Whom hast Thou raised up to Thyself? … my studies onto the biological process. According to this

236 237 thought, nature looks for the shortest and simplest means facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend. to achieve the greatest benefit. However, the logic of nature is not economic but waste- ful, therefore it doesn’t look for the greatest benefit but for w k w b a t m l never-ending abundance. i o i e n h y i A thing always belongs to someone, namely to the one n a n g d i f who’s giving it. t n t i s n e This is the notion of property. e e n e The original thought about property is not founded upon r r s i i equal-distribution-forced-upon-by-the-system but on the s g generosity that originates in the abundance of nature. h b My Generous Manifesto o click u My Everyday Giftism r click s Community is woven from Gifts ' click But how can we create a community if we pay for everything we need? click

Two acolytes in white gowns take a walk amongst the people. People proudly give their Euroment.

The Grand Inquisitor is content.

238 The acolytes bow solemnly, walk towards the Altar and hap- facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend. pily lay down the purple velvet collection Bag.

Our Pretty Sacristy d w w o i flash a e h f s Our Lovely Kleptocracy s e flash l n t s k i h o The Priest raises the Chalice high up. a v e e l Willhelmina is counting the snakes. p e v d The Priest puts the Chalice down, covers it with awhite i e w Cloth and whispers into the microphone. t i n o o a n r u … Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that l t l t comes from the mouth of God. … a h d e People cross themselves slowly with pale fingers dipped in t the Sacred Valium. i e Wilhelmina stops counting the snakes. m n She feels a tremendous pressure in her head. e d The rain is pouring down outside. The snakes transform into a huge Sun. She collapses to the floor. The bag filled with 10mg blue Valium hearts bursts open.

The Grand Inquisitor is content.

240 the thirty-fifth hour earth and kept the four winds of the earth from blowing on the earth, or the sea, or any tree.

ivana, wilhelmina, brother, orfan Four highly-technologically-advanced-ambulances Life Sav- er Box Body are rushing towards the hospital-at-the-other- The three doctors are anxiously repeating the status ep- end-of-town. ilepticus mantra and injecting the infusion of diazepam and phenytoin in the bodies shaking uncontrollably. Onze Lieve Vrouwe Gasthuis They park in front of Our Dear Madam Hospital and march flash towards the neurological department. Ooster Park Room 108. flash Electrical Sodium channels plugged into receptor are reject- East of Eden ing the block. flash Four bodies are foaming, shuddering and laughing. The doctors are exchanging scared and confused looks, In 1878, Delphin Povel fulfilled the promise to his mother, who aware of the seriousness of the situation about which they died of cancer, and established the Catholic Medical Centre. learned at the university and pharmaceutical conferences. A free medical care for the Poor and Rich. Epileptic State or Status Epilepticus is an urgent state de- In 1898, they renamed it to Onze Lieve Vrouwe Gasthuis. fined as reoccurring epileptic seizures without intermedi- ary returns to consciousness. Our Dear Madam Hospital flash flash Epileptic State can lead to irreversible brain damage or even Smell of Disinfectant death. flash flash Holy Spirit and its Double It needs to be treated immediately with diazepam and flash phenytoin. flash Going over the speed limit and lights flashing, they are Four bodies plugged into the infusion, which is supposed to transporting four angels who stood on four corners of the block the glutamate receptors, inhibit the gaba metabolism

242 243 and activate the sodium and calcium channels, start to shiv- They are chasing away the Spells. er and foam even more uncontrollably. They are bending Time. The specialist turns white. They are setting the Past right. The patients are bored. With the help of a butterfly needle stuck into the main ar- The room is suddenly illuminated by a blinding reflection tery they decide for a short retrospection of Eternity. of light. Chemical Yellow. Our Magical Flight Solar Storm. flash Neurologists seize hold of the bed railings and shut their eyes. Our Sacral Infusion flash Bottles with infusions shatter. Bending of Linear Time Neurologist hide under the beds. flash A loud bang fills the air. Another one. We are still slaves to the collective hallucination of Linear bang. Time. Another one. We perceive time how the people-in-power want us to. bang. Like it’s a speed limit on a highway. And then two at the same time. Like a river that flows only in one direction. bang bang.

The Room 108 vibrates violently. The dwarves are doing the merry-making and round dancing. Tectonic plates sneeze. Electricity is turned off. Ivana, Wilhelmina, Brother and Orfan are shaking violently Four bodies plugged into infusion convulse even harder. and foaming at the mouth. Hundreds of dwarfs with Jew’s harps are dancing on top of Neurologists are praying. their pineal gland. One of them peeks from under the bed. Drumlas. The room trembles even harder. The doors open. And again.

244 245 bang. Our Dear Madam Hospital sways. Another one. The lights turn on. Ivana, Wilhelmina, Brother and Orfan open their eyes. bang. The dwarves are sitting and waiting. Another one. bang. A senior nurse bursts into the room and screams: Another one. they’re gone! bang. Who’s-gone? stutters a neurologist-trainee. And then two at the same time. b a bang. n k s t h e y v a n i s h e d n bang. d The dwarves are roaring with laughter. c The room stops vibrating for a moment. h Silence falls. u Neurologists stop praying, get up slowly and r c h e bang. s 246 247 facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend. the thirty-sixth hour

g d m n i r i y o s In the beginning, there was a Mask. a d n There will also be in the end. v d - n In between, it is I. i y e j e t o a u a Nothing original is in me. y u r d r Even less so about me. , ? g ! I’m just a mix of strain and suffering of people h m who I’ve met in my life. n e e o a n I am still suffering and smiling. r t I am still dying. m , 2,000 years. o d I am dying and asking for Mercy and the Right to Euthana- r a sia. e y me Brutality of the Reality me Mythological Remix me An Event, reincarnated into a Story me Corpus Hermeticum me Voodoo Marionette, pierced with the Needles of History

249 I was pierced by kings, popes, Pharisees, communists, rev- father, I beg you, leave me! olutionaries, hippies, gays, feminists, vegans, psychedelic father, I beg you, let me go! gurus and farmers. Kiss my Death and change it into a Logotype. They have picked me right down to the bone and now I’m a skeleton. Let it be done A skeleton that dances in each and every one of you. flash Let it be named My Calcium Cabaret flash flash Let it be signed My Unrequited Euthanasia flash flash father, how can I talk to you? father, where should I look?

As far as I’m concerned, there is no direction, no place, no being. Everything is in you, everything is of you.

Can’t you see that I can’t die? Can’t you understand that I must die?

Now. Not later.

Does my Death mean anything to you at all?

250 251 facebook. The wall of No one wants to be your friend. The streets are overflowing. People are staring in the Sky, rooted to the spot and listening to the mighty sound of the Jew’s Harp. y t h w i My Little Drumla e h a e n flash s a s My Little Noah’s Ark , t w o flash a e r m w l a d The information Titanic is racing through space and forget- a h r r e ting about time. s i e r Speakers are hysterical. t c a o Journalists have puffy eyes. e h d u t Tongues are loose and sharp. r y r o w the banks have vanished i b m b flash l e a e the churches are gone l e s flash n k s b e Ivana, Wilhelmina, Brother and Orfan are looking tiredly e e through the window. n The bus station is full of black ravens and kebab leftovers. The doctors are silently picking up shards of shattered infusions. Status Epilepticus is over. The Spirits have been fed. The Prayers have been answered.

253 The four, visibly exhausted, sit down on a bed. Orfan bites his tongue. Orfan hugs Wilhelmina. The policeman nods indifferently and handcuffs Orfan. Ivana hugs Brother. The neurologist-trainee opens the window. Friends introduce themselves to each other. They are exchanging excited looks and don’t say a word. The Fox Crime Trio heads towards the exit. Wilhelmina breaks the unfathomable moment: In front of Our Dear Madam Hospital, a black police limou- sine is waiting. - I first spoke to Jesus when he was already dead. Alfa Romeo 156 2.5 V6. The driver opens the door. Orfan laughs loudly, but absently. Ivana and Orfan are sitting on the back seat.

There’s a knock on the door. Orfan, ashen-faced and exhausted, speaks up quietly. Neurologist-trainee-with-pale-green-skin enters. A policeman after him. - I didn’t want to kill my father, but I’m happy I did. He was the last remaining link to my past. - Orfan de Jong? Asks the policeman. The last bent Protein. - yes, replies Orfan unperturbedly. You can be born again, you can die again, - You are under arrest on suspicion of murder. but you can’t always be time-and-time-again orfan.

The only thing that can be heard is the distant sound of the The policeman turns down the radio. Jew’s harp. Total Eclipse of the Heart.

Ivana gets up, adjusts her bob haircut, straightens her - It was a moment of Freedom. soaked and crumpled shirt with the writing Relax, I am the Darkness and Silence cruicified in the Light. one with Epilepsy, and says. A breath of perfection. Followed by utter loneliness. - Ivana Stropnik. Medusa & Partners Law Firm. This is my client Orfan de Jong. Orfan, Ivana quietly interrupts his confession. - Don’t worry, your alibis are self-defence and illness.

254 255 Orfan laughs. Wilhelmina and Brother leave Our Dear Madam Hospital. Brother has his thick-fluorescent-Machu-Picchu socks on. - Illness? Wilhelmina is dressed in her light-and-dark-blue it-was-a- If I’d have to be ill again, I’d like to be just like this. bargain suit. It was an alchemical illness. Eight in the morning. Streets are overflowing and quiet. They stop in front of the Police Station. People have swallowed their Tongues. The policeman turns off the radio. They stroll slowly through the Ooster Park. Swans, ravens, pigeons, fish and dogs. Forever’s gonna start Tonight. We need Animals flash We need Spirits flash

They cross the street. Where there used to be a church, a group of people is lying and awaiting the stars.

Electromagnetic Field of Sacral Effects flash Separating the Worlds flash Time outside Time flash

They walk past a ground floor apartment with a television on. Moving pictures from the Star Trek series are flashing on the screen.

256 257 Star Trek Does not look. flash And does not forgive. Science fiction script without the shopping flash We are not alone. But we are hungry. Brother feels pain in every bone of his body. Thirsty. Wilhelmina feels pain from the mere presence of the world. Humiliated. They turn around the Theatre Carré and sit down on a peer And scared. on the Amstel River. And like this, we enter the New World. Boats are moored. Into the Time where we will forgive God because he did not Bridges are lowered. make us in his own Image but rather trampled the Clay and Questions are posed. breathed weakness, greed, disease, fear and dread into it. Answers are waiting. It will simmer and distil as long as it takes for every being Excuses are no more. on Earth to finally see the best Image of itself. Space is ready for a new Time. Brother takes the iPod from his pocket and presses the re- Time has changed its Direction. wind button. Day changed into Morning. Wilhelmina smiles and picks up a thin branch, recently fall- Morning into Midnight. en from a tree. Money has vanished. Brother presses the play button. Sermons are gone. Left, Left This will be the time of intimate Answers and complicated Arthur, Arthur Questions. Every answer will be a step into a New World. I is The Other On every corner of the New World a Lover will linger and flash wait for a kiss from the God. Love has to be reinvented For the answered Prayers and the Hours of Fairy tales. flash But God does not kiss. Language must be reinvented Does not listen. flash

258 259 Brother presses the pause button. facebook. Account Deactivation. book of change 3.0 Wilhelmina tears a page from her blue New Testament with golden letters, makes a hole in it with the stick and makes a sail. h o w w My Old Sail e n e h flash a e a Matthew 24:40 v w t flash e d i Two men will be in the field; one will be taken and the oth- n a l w er left. y l e flash o Matthew 24:41 n t s flash o a Two women will be grinding with a hand mill; one will be e u y taken and the other left. a c flash r h t Brother sticks the sail on the iPod, presses the loop button, h turns on the speakers and sets it afloat on the water surface. Bridges are slowly being raised. The sails go taut. Brother and Wilhelmina embrace each other like tall old houses on the other side of the canal.

This is the moment when God has risen from the Dead. This is the moment when not everything is Allowed. This is the moment when a Stone did not turn into Bread.

260 This Afterword follows no one. It follows neither Janja Rakuš nor her book. For dancers don’t follow each other either. They dance together, they dance alone. The same holds true for when we talk about love. There is an outlook of the two that is not the sum of outlooks of two individuals.

It’s not hard to write an afterword to the book that is here before you. For this book is unusual. Therefore, it’s not ordinary, which is logical. And that’s good. That’s why this afterword is unusual, since it would be unusual if it wouldn’t be. It was written by an unusual man. Who doesn’t want to be ordinary. He never wanted to be ordinary and he never will be. If he were to become ordinary, which most certainly cannot happen, that would mean suicide or, even more accurate, murder. And the author of this afterword doesn’t in- tend to commit suicide. Such thought doesn’t even cross his mind. Also Vincent, ah, Vincent, didn’t commit one. The suicide, that is. Janja Rakuš is an unusual writer; she’s probably also an unusual woman. I welcome a benevolent reader. I need such a reader, as does the book. The reader should be unusual, benevolent, and open to the text that they are reading because it’s more important than them. If they aren’t open, the text is hard, even incomprehensible. It’s lonely and solitary, autistic. This would make encounters impossible. A text that no one reads or understands is depressing. Actually, it doesn’t even exist. Like in a world described by quantum mechanics. The solitude of prime numbers also exists. Anyone who spends time with autists knows very well what that means. However, being open to texts, to the logos itself, as the Ancients would describe it, is by no means an easy task. Let alone in these

263 times. It never was and there is no reason for it to suddenly beco- The author of this afterword is a man and is every day confronted me easy. As it happens, we live in a world where everything should with a disability that, nevertheless, never diverts him. be readily accessible, easily reachable, and purchasable. It’s a para- Janja Rakuš is a moral woman. This can be glimpsed from her doxical world where everything should be as unusual as it gets; yet writing. Those who believe that today’s recession is the crisis of va- it is not. There are very few unusual people. Images are far more lues and money, could be enthusiastic about her, yet, their enthu- important than words, thus they appear where they need to and, siasm would be hollow. also, where they don’t need to. Perhaps the universe is a hologram. No one exactly knows what Everything is recycled. that means. It’s hard to write an open text. It’s relatively easy to write a cli- Janja Rakuš’ book is also about growing up in the world of simu- chéd book that is recycled and arranged in a seemingly consumer- lations and simulacra, the media world. Her book was created in a friendly way. There are plenty on the market and they don’t sell, de- saturated world and at a tipping point. spite being neat & nice. This is interesting since it reveals people’s But the world is not all. It can’t be. No such a thing as All exists, need for openness that transcends the motives which capitalists although, day after day, people are forced to feel differently. Mathe- are extremely keen on. maticians have proved it long ago. For that reason, consciousness ca- People are still too interested in capitalism and its delirium, so nnot think of itself consistently and as a whole, which means that it openness continues to be all too secluded. must be open and indeterminable, splintered within. The theory of di- Janja Rakuš’ book is about the ‘always new’, and about what goes sability also draws on this split and schizoid aspect of consciousness. beyond clichés, stale words and useless everyday metaphors. It’s Encounters between open people are thus possible. And people about inventing and creating, designing and redesigning of human can be nomads, as Deleuze would put it. Empirically looking, it’s beings and of what they can have in common, and that is spirit. It’s hard to be a nomad in a saturated world. not insane, it is written in an insane world, however. Inside this No book can be All. Every book is inevitably open, it’s unfinis- world, inside the neoliberal insanity. In a time, when we talk about hed, which means that it’s never written to the end; an end doesn’t moral blindness and insensitivity. In a time, Bauman named liquid. exist. A book is not-All. It changes with reading. Hence, it’s not an How is it possible to live in such a world if you’re not a capitalist? object of reading. Reading enhances, reshapes and changes a book. Janja Rakuš is offering answers to this question and trying to sur- And this Afterword follows no one. It follows neither Janja Ra- vive. A book like hers is hard to write. kuš nor her book. For dancers don’t follow each other either. They Her answer is good; her book, which is hard to write, is convin- dance together, they dance alone. The same holds true for when we cing. Her answers are good. They’re productive. She’s actually a talk about love. There is an outlook of the two that is not the sum very perceptive woman who understands the nature of disability. of outlooks of two individuals.

264 265 I’m a stranger on Earth; I’m dust, a dust particle, dispensable dwarf who wants to become Martin Krpan*. And he’s exactly the cluster of atoms that, one day, will scatter serenely over the uni- man capitalism puts its money on, so it idolizes and aggrandises verse. Saint Paul wrote about this and, then, they beheaded him him. Dwarfs from The Hobbit tell a completely different story but for being dangerous. He was dangerous because he faithfully fol- people describe it as no more than a fairytale that sells well. lowed Jesus. Why the very fairytales are selling so well these days? It’s good to see the film All Is Lost (2013). The Purpose of Darkness is Light, writes Janja Rakuš. She’s right, The book before you is also about religion, about the inescapable for it cannot be any other way. Some insights are very simple. We human relationship with god which is complex and, above all, un- don’t have to try and create an impression that they’re not. There’s natural. It’s possible. A man can be open to infinity that is god. But no point and all efforts would be in vain. It’s a no-one’s effort - no to be that open is truly not simple. Not at all simple. Janja Rakuš is. one needs it and no one appreciates it. And religion doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with Vatican. More than anything else, people need conversation. It does seem, We live in a world in which openness is not a value. The value however, that they mostly need money & assets with added value. is egocentric competition-with-everyone, the value is profitabili- Yet, this is only a mirage required by the capital owners, managers ty. Capitalism needs it - one and the other. Its representatives are and stock brokers, it’s an illusion required by all who have a vested relentless in trying to persuade & put a spell on people. Let them interest in manipulation. People don’t necessarily need the illusi- compete and let them irritate each other, let them make lives diffi- on, yet, unfortunately, they’re willing to believe in it. Not only that: cult for each other and let them wander aimlessly like sleepwalkers they’re forced to believe in it and they accept this enforcement as around gigantic stores so they would get lost in them forever. The a natural necessity. In this moment, it simply cannot be any other best consumer is a lost, ignorant and indifferent consumer. way. Humanity is still at a very primitive, barbarian stage of develo- Illusions are necessary. For this reason, Bernays invented public pment. Numerous people suffer terribly so that markets can be free. relations. They hired him as the grand expert for illusions, mira- Perhaps future will be different. Nevertheless, it could only ha- ges and manipulations with people. He was particularly popular in ppen if solidarity will prevail, if people will muster enough streng- Hollywood. th to persist in egalitarian spirit. No human is identical to him But a man undoubtedly believes in the good; he believes struc- or herself; this is very good, happy news. No one is All, therefore turally. There’s nothing he can do about it, he will believe it even if no one can believe in mirages and illusions after all. They simply only subconsciously. Plato wrote about it in Timaeus and Aristotle in Metaphysics. One doesn’t necessarily have to be aware of this. * Martin Krpan is a character from a short story Martin Krpan z Vrha written by the 19th century Slovene writer Fran Levstik. The popularity of the sto- Freud demonstrated that unconscious comes first. Consciousness ry led to it its lead character, a smuggler and one of the strongest men in the is but a fragment which is, as a rule, too self-centred. It’s like a Habsburg Empire, becoming a folk hero.

266 267 cannot. Every one is the other person and the other thing. That is God needs speaking people because He doesn’t speak Himself, why it’s not simple to talk to another human. Or, maybe, it’s exac- for he’s not a being. People willingly open their mouths in order for tly the opposite if you discard the mirages. Jesus knew about and the word, which is in God, to come out. It wasn’t in Him only at the bore witness to this. beginning, for it’s there all the time; a human is not the owner of No conversation is possible without the Other. This was obvious the words that come out of their mouth. to Freud. To Nietzsche also. And to Wagner. And Tristan waited for The main criterion of mental health is the ability to love and cre- his Isolde to the very end. He couldn’t die without her. Love, as a ate. Freud repeated this his whole life like a broken record, but they procedure of truth, is certainly revolutionary. didn’t listen to him because they wanted to hear something else, Janja Rakuš is as fierce as only a relationship with the truth can because they wanted illusions & mirages. Freud also wrote a book be. Her writing is also open and fierce. And courageous. Truth ca- entitled The Future of an Illusion. nnot exist if a human is not courageous. Furthermore, her writing Creativity is the opening of life, it’s vitality. It’s the receiving of is not violent or narcissistic. This is very important. Janja doesn’t life and the giving of life. It rises above any conceivable diagnosis. create an impression that her iq is 150. Some people have certifi- Who hasn’t realised this, hasn’t lived yet and doesn’t know what cates attesting to their iq being that high or even higher. And in life is. Who doesn’t know what life is, cannot know what love is. truth, they haven’t got the faintest idea what an iq is, which makes Who doesn’t know what love is, is unhappy. them pathetic. It’s all in the mind. There’s nothing that is not in the mind. What Possibly, they need therapy, but not necessarily. is the reality of virtuality that Deleuze speaks of? It can certainly Psychoanalysis is not psychotherapy. Freud didn’t treat anyone. have real effects in the worlds where we can live. Emancipatory po- Freud was making conversations. In particular, with women. Anna litics, which the author of this book also strives for, denote loyal- O. was an artist. Her hysteria went far beyond anything that all ty and perseverance of the human beings in the universality. And psychiatrists combined had to say about it. Hysteria is not even a when talk about universality, we talk about emancipatory politics, diagnosis. This is what saved Freud, who was a doctor and a neu- we talk about the mind. rologist. Perseverance in the universality is possible if a human as a su- Then, he realised: people don’t need diagnoses, they need a bject doesn’t give in to the pressures of everyday violence - visible word. A word comes from God’s mouth, which doesn’t necessarily and invisible one. And to be a subject means to recognise oneself as mean that God Speaks. People speak. If they’re open. If they’re not a privileged interlocutor with the universality. A subject thus exi- open, they’re merely babbling & chattering. And then, they blame sts as a nomad and stranger at the same time, because people who God for their babbling and claim that everything comes from His live by his side, but don’t let themselves become a part of the con- mouth. However, All words don’t exist at all. versation with the universality, simply cannot understand them.

268 269 Janja is a nomad who loves the earth on which she lives, yet time the creation of life. Life needs creative people for it to exist. A hu- and again, she moves to a different place. man is the crucial being capable of thinking. And for this very reason, it’s not important if Vincent was an epi- This insight is important, even dramatic, for when we think and leptic or not. Art cannot be depleted or explained by any diagnosis. speak we change reality. Therefore, what we talk about, what comes Art belongs to a completely different register than the positivistic out of our mouths, how we think, and what we think about, is im- science. portant. Then, it’s impossible to pretend any longer that we don’t What is important is Vincent’s paintings as the effect of beco- know. Actually, we can pretend but also pretending requires paying ming an interlocutor with the universality. And this cannot be a high price. uniquely identified. Internal inconsistencies of the mind are ine- Janja is paying a high price. She speaks and writes about this pri- scapable, thus we can only judge the truth of existence, which we ce. People, who populate her symbolic worlds, are paying a high live, in the light of such inconsistencies of the mind. For the truth price or were paying it during their lifetime on this earth. We have belongs to the mind that is a collection of varied, and sometimes the right to be divine, because we are a part of the divine mind that mutually incomparable symbolic processes. Criteria for judging the is an infinite collection of collections. It is therefore human, very reality are therefore not external, but inherent to the mind itself human, as Nietzsche would put it, to be divine, to be free in one’s and hence, internal. Artists know that, scientists often don’t. mind. Janja is free in her mind. Janja Rakuš perseveres in the frame of mind I described. The ef- Today, we live in simulated worlds, yet Baudrillard was forgotten fects of her persistence are therefore unusual and they must be if long ago. In the world of simulation and simulacra, every human the above should hold true. As a writer, she needs to go through a is constantly forced to forget and that’s why they suffer. This ena- challenging process that demands commitment to that which we bles technocratic and financial oligarchies to do what they please. can read in the book. If she wouldn’t be committed, the book would Ordinary people don’t know what’s happening. And what’s happe- be uninteresting, dull and boring. A reader would feel betrayed re- ning is a global destruction of economies. Proportions of the cata- ading it. strophe will, perhaps, be biblical. A human should be prepared, be- Judas didn’t betray Jesus but handed him over to the temple gu- cause every man will stand for himself. ards, which is not the same. He joined him on his path, took on the Things are immensely complex and schizophrenic. Who knows symbolic title upon himself, paid an enormous price for it and be- who Marc Faber is? came despised. It’s all in the mind. Jesus Christ rose from the dead as an egali- When we accept symbolic titles, we’re entering existences that go tarian holy spirit. When we talk about love we talk about him. The beyond a purely biological life. That’s why the meaning of life exi- Spirit is among us and, in love, we open ourselves to infinity. God sts. All who claim that it doesn’t, are wrong. The meaning of life is is not-All and is feminine. Jesus bears witness to God.

270 271 Jesus is not a master and is not a ruler. He’s a Holy Spirit that contains a community of equal people. No one is a leader and everyone is capable of thinking and using their mind. Christianity cannot correlate with the hierarchical structure of communities and class division. This is logical since real Christianity means social movement for egalitarianism, solidarity and justice that doesn’t tolerate any exploitation. Janja writes about this with blood. A human really is a moral and ethical being when they stop belie- ving in any one ruler, master or leader. Ethical behaviour is the behaviour an individual chooses without seeking advice from anyone. How do they know, then, if their behaviour or actions are ethical? In truth, there is no guarantee, that their behaviour or actions are ethical. Janja doesn’t seek advice on how to write a book; and for this very reason it bears and unusual title & is unusual. Freud was a neurologist. Psychoanalysis is natural science. Even today, most people don’t understand this. Anything can be understood, for everything is of the mind. Not- All can be understood. Freud told us this. After him, it was said by Lacan. Still, even today, people don’t understand what they were talking about. They don’t understand because they have no interest. All this is very simple. Nothing original is in me, writes Janja. Of course, because everything, including Janja, is in the mind, the infinite mind. Who am I to dare and claim possession of anything? Epileptics are most certainly not people with epilepsy; people with epilepsy are not epileptics. This is how it goes.

dušan rutar

272 contents

i. scar, spell … 9

ii. alchemical distillation of a word … 83

iii. scar, prophet … 153

dušan rutar: this afterword doesn’t follow anyone … 263 Janja Rakuš voodoo waltz for epileptics

Afterword Dušan Rutar

Illustrations Janja Rakuš

Editor Janja Rakuš

Translation Nataša Šilec

Proofreading David Brown

Publisher igogh port

For the Publisher Janja Rakuš

First edition, Slovenska Bistrica, 2014

Graphic design Sanja Janša

Printed by Demago d. o. o.