FADE IN:
INT. BEDROOM - DAY
MASTER CHIEF sits on the bed playing HALO 3 on the television with a CONTROLLER in his lap.
THE ARBITER climbs onto the bed. THE ARBITER It’s almost 2011. I wonder what you’re playing. Maybe it’s what you’re playing every single other time. A drum roll, please. What is it? He glances at the television and fakes surprise as he marches toward the LAPTOP. THE ARBITER (CONT’D) Holy shit. It’s Halo 3. This is the biggest surprise since Jesus rose from the dead. Hey, Georgia Strait? Hold your front page. Guess what Master Chief is doing. The Arbiter places the laptop on his lap and cuts his attention from Master Chief. A few beats. THE ARBITER (CONT’D) Horizons as broad as a fly’s cock. Master Chief throws down the controller and trudges away. MASTER CHIEF This is the boringest fucking game ever made.
Another few beats -- the Arbiter takes a while to spot the absurdity of his statement. THE ARBITER What? MASTER CHIEF Halo 3 sucks now! A beat. THE ARBITER Halo 3 sucks? 2.
MASTER CHIEF Yes!
Another beat. THE ARBITER That’s a bit profound coming from you. I thought it was just your favoritest game ever.
Master Chief pauses briefly as drags a HARD DRIVE across the bed towards the Xbox --
MASTER CHIEF Not since I have been teased with the delights of Halo: Reach. THE ARBITER Ah, I see now. Bewitched like so many. What are you doing? MASTER CHIEF The beta’s on this drive. I took it out so Live couldn’t take it off. The Arbiter watches Master Chief in an extended moment of pity. THE ARBITER Um, I’ve got some bad news for you, dude. MASTER CHIEF What? A beat, then --
CUT TO:
INT. BEDROOM - LATER CLOSE ON a BLACKBERRY PHONE. “9-1-1” is dialed. Master Chief is sitting on the desk. He awkwardly holds the phone to his ear and waits for an answer. OPERATOR (VO) 9-1-1, emergency. 3.
MASTER CHIEF (over and over) Help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me...
OPERATOR (VO) Okay, if this is a prank call, you need to hang up now, but if this is some old woman smashing her keyboard in panic, can you tell me what your emergency is? Fire? Or theft?
MASTER CHIEF No. I was robbed.
OPERATOR (VO) ...Okay, that’s what theft is.
MASTER CHIEF No. I was robbed.
OPERATOR (VO) Theft means robbery.
MASTER CHIEF No. I was robbed.
OPERATOR (VO) Okay, are you alright? Are you injured?
MASTER CHIEF Broken heart, dude. Might never heal.
OPERATOR (VO) Okay, I think this is a prank now, so please hang up now or I will dispatch the authorities.
MASTER CHIEF Good. Send them to Kirkland.
OPERATOR (VO) ...No, sir, they’d be coming for you.
The Arbiter walks into the room.
MASTER CHIEF What the fuck? That makes like no sense. 4.
He looks up at Master Chief.
THE ARBITER Who are you talking to?
MASTER CHIEF (to the Arbiter) Nobody. Go away.
OPERATOR (VO) Excuse me?
MASTER CHIEF (to Operator) Not you, hot cakes.
OPERATOR (VO) Did you just call me hot cakes?
THE ARBITER Who is that?
MASTER CHIEF (to the Arbiter) Fuck off!
OPERATOR (VO) Look, prank calling emergency services is a criminal offence, believe it or not, and if you don’t end this call right now I’ll have no choice but to send officers to your location.
The Arbiter bolts up the desk.
THE ARBITER Wow. Wow. No. Give me that phone. Are you out of your mind?
He grabs the phone -- they both fight over it.
MASTER CHIEF You are not my babysitter! We are on the same level, prick! Get your hands off of the fucking phone!
The Arbiter gets a hold of the phone and finally shoves Master Chief away. The Arbiter puts the phone to his ear.
THE ARBITER Hello, I’m so sorry. Please don’t dispatch anyone. (MORE) 5. THE ARBITER (CONT'D) I’m sorry my friend wasted your time, I assure you it won’t happen again.
OPERATOR (VO) Oh, so you’re Microsoft Mike now. Yes, I’ve seen that Master Chief thing on YouTube too, you know.
MASTER CHIEF When I downloaded the beta it became my property! They can’t just take it back! This is America!
THE ARBITER (to Master Chief) Actually this is Canada. And you didn’t pay anything for it, shut up. (to Operator) I’m sorry. Goodbye.
The Arbiter ENDS the call. Master Chief then runs up to him and PUNCHES him in the eye. He falls on his back.
THE ARBITER (CONT’D) Ah!
We HOLD on Master Chief as he looms over the Arbiter for a couple beats.
MASTER CHEIF I hate you!
CUT TO:
INT. BEDROOM - LATER
The Arbiter is seated on the bed using the laptop again. He holds one hand to his bruised eye.
Master Chief has a controller in his lap once again, playing Halo 3 on the television.
MASTER CHIEF Reach doesn’t come out for infinity years. That is all I can process.
THE ARBITER Yeah. Or just over one month -- 6.
Master Chief discards the controller, gets up and leaves and interrupts the Arbiter --
MASTER CHIEF How’s your eye, faggot?
A beat.
THE ARBITER I’m seriously pretty sure I hate you.
MASTER CHIEF You bought that injury upon yourself.
THE ARBITER “Brought” that upon myself.
MASTER CHIEF That’s right --
The Arbiter shoots Master Chief a look.
THE ARBITER No, I was correcting you! God damnit!
MASTER CHIEF Do not push me beyond my barriers again, Arbiter. Next time I may have to use my ninjutsu.
Master Chief turns to the Arbiter dramatically.
THE ARBITER Let me tell you something. You do not want to see me use my fucking ninjutsu. For the world’s sake.
We PAN IN on Master Chief’s face --
... and the Arbiter stares back unamused.
A beat.
THE ARBITER (CONT’D) What are you playing now?
Master Chief drags the case for Halo 2 across the bed towards the Xbox.
MASTER CHIEF Halo 2 online. 7.
The Arbiter stares in ambivalence for a final extended moment.
THE ARBITER Uh...
CUT TO BLACK.
END CREDITS.