Antc Bytes S01e10 Script
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Arby 'n' the Chief: Bytes Season 01, Episode 10 "Sold Out" Written by Jon Graham Based on characters from the HALO™ series of games created by Bungie Studios and 343 Industries, © Microsoft Corporation INT. APARTMENT - DAY WS. THE ARBITER and MASTER CHIEF are a slumped across from each other against the walls of the hallway. Arbiter holds a PEN and a small NOTEBOOK. Chief has Jon's LAPTOP open in front of him. THE ARBITER We’ve milked every square inch of this goddamn apartment. The desk. The bed. Closet. Bathroom. Kitchen. God knows we’ve milked the chair and television area dry. MASTER CHIEF Not as dried as your mom milked me last night. LOLOLOLOLOL. MS. On Arbiter. THE ARBITER And besides the setting we need a solid central idea, of course. Something with the potential to restore the show's viewership to its former glory. Something that'll really make people laugh. MCU. On Chief. The rear of the laptop's screen partially occupies the frame. Chief is rapidly bobbing up and down. He doesn't tear his gaze from the monitor. MASTER CHIEF We could just showed a picture of your dick for five minutes, ROFL. THE ARBITER Very funny. How about we put a tack through that one, for now? We might suffocate under all the fan mail sure to follow. MS. Arbiter stands upright into frame and we FOLLOW him as he walks over to Chief. THE ARBITER (CONT’D) How are you doing over there, anyway? MCU. Chief continues to bob. He clocks Arbiter approaching, then stops immediately and looks back at the monitor. MASTER CHIEF Uh -- pretty good, I guess. 2. An awkward silence. Chief glances between Arbiter and the screen. OTS. Over Chief's shoulder we're focused on Arbiter standing and staring at him. THE ARBITER You were just masturbating, weren't you? MASTER CHIEF What the fuck? No. You're crazy, bitch. MS. On Arbiter. THE ARBITER Goddammit Chief, we’re supposed to be brainstorming. You got the laptop because I thought you’d ultimately get better use from it with your somewhat superior creative energy. OTS. Over Arbiter we're focused on Chief. MASTER CHIEF I gots the laptop because if I doesn’t I’d be brainstorming for your fucking eulogies. WS. On Arbiter and Chief. THE ARBITER We’ve got a couple of days before the next short is due for air. When I said that we should get the juices flowing I was referring to the creative sort. THE ARBITER (CONT’D) I have no idea why you needed my mother last night when you're doing such an excellent job wanking yourself to death. MS. Chief bolts up onto his feet into frame. He looks at Arbiter as he points down at the laptop behind him. MASTER CHIEF I hasn’t just been beating off this whole fucking time, ass blaster. (MORE) 3. MASTER CHIEF (CONT'D) I gots a fucking millions of show ideas writed down. MCU. On Arbiter. THE ARBITER Really? Any of them good? MCU. Chief nods violently in Arbiter's direction as he snaps at him. We then FOLLOW Chief as he waddles towards Arbiter's notepad at the other wall. MASTER CHIEF All of them are good, shit stain. Every last goddamn one of them is solid fucking gold. What about you, huh? Let’s see all the stuffs that you gots so far. MS. We FOLLOW Arbiter as he panics slightly and attempts to bolt ahead of Chief to stop him from looking at his notes. THE ARBITER Uh -- I wouldn’t bother if I were you, none of my ideas are really fleshed out yet. MCU. Chief stands upright into frame holding Arbiter's notepad in his grasp. MS. We FOLLOW Arbiter as he races to snatch the notebook from Chief. MCU. Chief tries to tug the notebook out of Arbiter’s grasp. MASTER CHIEF Shut your butt and let me see. MCU. Arbiter tugs at the notebook as well. THE ARBITER No. MASTER CHIEF Yes! Too bad, fucker. Too bad for you. LOLOLOLOLOL. MCU. Chief wins the tug-of-war match and stumbles backwards with the notebook in his grasp. He regains his composure. Looks at the book. MCU. Arbiter stumbles backwards as well. Gains composure. Looks at Chief. 4. MCU. On Chief eyeing the book. OTS. Over Chief we’re focused on the book’s front page. We see that Arbiter hasn’t written anything -- instead there are merely numerous pointed “S”-shapes scribbled all over the paper. MASTER CHIEF (CONT’D) Wow, Arbiter. Surprised face. This is some incredible works you has here, buddy. Oh my God. Oh my fucking God, it's so good. It's so good, Arbiter. It's so fucking good. MCU. On Arbiter. THE ARBITER Alright, you've gotten your kicks. Give it back. MS. Chief holds his arms out in a shrug while still clutching the notebook in one hand. MASTER CHIEF Seriously, what the fuck is this shit? Serious face. ROFL, you hasn't came up with a single fucking ideas, has you? THE ARBITER At least I'm trying. MCU. Chief leans back slightly, then launches forward as he hurls the notebook at Arbiter. MS. The notebook smacks against Arbiter’s face and knocks him to the ground. MS LOW ANGLE. Chief is in his power stance. MASTER CHIEF Which is useless because you're a fucking retard. Drawing these little bullshit shapes and bitching at me for not fucking doesing anything. MCU. Arbiter lifts himself back up onto his feet. Looks at Chief. WS. On Arbiter and Chief. 5. MASTER CHIEF (CONT’D) Does you know what that made you? A fucking hippopotacrite. THE ARBITER Shit. Somebody notify the zoo, quick. MCU. Arbiter slumps back down in his original position against the wall. THE ARBITER (CONT’D) Alright genius, let's hear your ideas. Lay them on me. MS. Chief waddles up to the laptop. The rear of the monitor partially occupies the frame. Chief glances over at Arbiter. MASTER CHIEF 'Kay, well you might not less than three this first one. OTS. Over Chief we’re focused on Arbiter. THE ARBITER Just spit it out. MCU. On Chief. MASTER CHIEF You gots to go, buddy. MCU. On Arbiter. THE ARBITER What the fuck? You can't be serious. If anybody were to go it would most definitely be you, but I realize that the two of us need to achieve some sort of balance. WS. On Arbiter and Chief. MASTER CHIEF You're boring as fuck, dude. It's no wonder not as many peoples watch our shows anymore with you bitch- slapping everybody into a goddamn coma with all of your fucking words. Words words words words words. That's you, Arbiter. That's what you sounded like. FS. On Arbiter. 6. THE ARBITER What other brilliant ideas do you have written down for "Arby and the Chief" episodes besides dropping me from the show? MASTER CHIEF Way the fuck more jokes, man. None of this “sustenance” bullshit or whatever the fuck it is. THE ARBITER “Substance”. MASTER CHIEF Yeah. That shit sucks, bro. It all gots to be jokes. Dick jokes, mom jokes, gay jokes, memes, reaction faces, random references, all that good shit. MS. Chief bobs around in amusement. MASTER CHIEF (CONT’D) Random humor is best humor. XD-D-D- D-D. Oh yeah, and we gots to use the word "Le" at the beginning of every sentences, 'kay? THE ARBITER Next one. MS. Chief stretches his arms out wide and waggles slightly in enthusiasm. MASTER CHIEF We gots to made the show more offensive. We should just tried to make it as super offensive as we possibly fucking can, ROFLMAO. That would be fucking sick, dude. THE ARBITER Being offensive can't be the goal, Chief. We have to be careful. MASTER CHIEF That's fucking horseshit, don't be such a goddamn pussy. It's two thousands and mother fucking twelve, we can says and does whatever the fuck we wanted now. Nobody fucking cares, dude. 7. THE ARBITER What other surprises does your stellar list have in store, I wonder? MASTER CHIEF Dubstep. Lots of it. Wub wub. THE ARBITER Wub wub? MASTER CHIEF Wub wub, mother fucker. THE ARBITER Come on Chief, do you really think we have to warp the show to this degree in order to raise interest? Sure, the view figures have been slipping, but I don't think they're anything to panic about just yet. THE ARBITER (CONT’D) Speaking of -- you've got internet on that, right? Check how many hits we have on our video from last week, would you? MCU. Chief turns from Arbiter and begins TAPPING away on the laptop’s keyboard. MASTER CHIEF K-K. THE ARBITER I appreciate the amount of effort you've obviously put into your suggestions Chief, but I really don't think they represent the direction in which we ought to take the show. We have to stay true to it. We have to stay true to ourselves as characters and creators. MASTER CHIEF Fifty views. THE ARBITER Fifty-thousand? Christ, it's worse than I thought. Still though, I stand by my statement. MCU. Chief looks away from the monitor to glance at Arbiter. 8. MASTER CHIEF No, dude, just fifty. INT. APARTMENT - DAY MS. We FOLLOW Chief as he waddles swiftly into the kitchen waggling from side to side like mad. His arms are stretched out wide. MASTER CHIEF LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL! OTS.