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BRABBLETON SQUARE

By Patrick Derksen

Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights— including but not limited to amateur, professional, radio broadcast, television, cable, motion picture, live streaming, public reading, and translation into a foreign language—should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155. FOURTH WALL PIRATE SHIP No performance, broadcast, reading, or presentation of any kind in whole or in part may be given without permission from Pioneer Drama Service. These rights are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and of all countries covered by the Universal Copyright Convention or with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, including Canada, Mexico, Australia, and all nations of the United Kingdom.

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On all programs, printing, and advertising, the following information must appear: 1. The full title: An Act of Piracy 2. Writing credit: By Patrick Derksen 3. Publication notice: “Produced by special arrangement with Pioneer Drama Service, Denver, Colorado”

52 For preview only AN ACT OF PIRACY COSTUMES By PATRICK DERKSEN CRANBURY’S COMPANY wear Roman costumes in Act One (breastplates and Spartan helmets for the SOLDIERS; togas for ALL OTHERS), and CAST OF CHARACTERS then switch to unconvincing pirate costumes in Act Two. It can be very # of lines apparent they are wearing costumes, looking less authentic than the Townspeople real pirates. AGNES, RUTH, and ALAN all have black beards as part JOANNA HUXLEY ...... irritable local innkeeper 49 of their pirate costumes. MORRIS wears an eyepatch in Act One, and ROBERT HUXLEY ...... Joanna’s long-suffering husband 46 comes on wearing two in Act Two. SUSAN TANNER ...... opinionated neighbor 26 Some characters pretending to be male should, for dramatic effect, LAVINIA TANNER ...... even more opinionated 38 “let their hair down” when the reveal they are female. But those neighbor characters vacillate between “male” and “female,” so hairstyles should be versatile but simple. Optional, easy-to-remove hats and FREDERICA GALLANT ...... rich and famous talent scout 12 mustaches can help make costumes more convincing. TOWNSPEOPLE ...... extras n/a FLEXIBLE CASTING NOTE Lord Cranbury and His Company The TOWNSPEOPLE can be played by any gender with only minor text LORD CECIL HOPMORTON alterations. They can also be doubled to play all of the PIRATES and CRANBURY ...... wealthy, egotistical theatre 174 SAILORS except VALOIS and JASPER. manager and monotone actor; plays Julius Caesar and Captain Vile VIVIAN THATCHER* ...... the star; a demanding diva and 94 tireless over-actor; plays Brutus and Henry Nine-Fingers AGNES MILLS* ...... eager but inexperienced; often 49 mouths other actors’ lines; plays a centurion and Blackbeard ALAN BENEDICT ...... attention-seeking up-stager; 39 plays Gaius and Blackbeard RUTH AVERY* ...... timid, mumbling wallflower; 23 plays Sutonius and Blackbeard BECKY O’SULLIVAN* ...... unmotivated; breaks character 39 often; plays Julia and Kitchen HESTER TEMPLETON* ...... anxiety-ridden; suffers from 26 serious stage fright; plays a centurion and Jolly Roger GALFRED ...... lazy procrastinator; doesn’t 42 learn lines or blocking; plays Caesarion and Buckles MORRIS...... eager, but clueless; plays 46 the opening chorus, a soldier, and Crow’s Nest Johnny

ii 51 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only PRODUCTION NOTES DIRK PATRICK ...... undiscovered playwright; 30 plays Albert Hogsbottom PROPERTIES ONSTAGE JAN FLETCHER ...... modest, humble stagehand; 127 Brabbleton Town Square: Exterior of the inn with a poster for The more shrewd than she lets on Death of Caesar, raised stage with crude Roman decorations (columns, urns), benches. Pirates and Sailors Fourth Wall pirate ship: Rope, barrels, helm, mop. CAPITAINE JEAN-FRANCOIS PROPERTIES BROUGHT ON DE LA HAUTE-VALOIS ...... arrogant privateer; pirate hunter 65 JASPER ...... Haute-Valois’ gruff first mate 29 ACT ONE CHARLES ...... sailor lost at sea 24 Scene One: Broom (JAN) CAPTAIN REAGAN O’FLYNN .....slick, wily female commander of 86 Mug, cloth (ROBERT) the Black Flag Writing tablet, feather pen, fake pigeon (BECKY) KELLY ...... female Black Flag crewmember 6 Scene Two: JACKIE ...... another 5 Tray of mugs (JOANNA) CHANCE ...... male Black Flag crewmember 6 Script (DIRK) FRANK ...... another 7 Daggers (ALAN/RUTH/VIVIAN) VALOIS’ CREW ...... extras as male pirates n/a Scene Three: Writing tablet, feather pen (BECKY) * Female actors playing male characters. Three coins (JOANNA) Contract (JAN) ACT TWO Scene One: Boatswain’s whistle (AGNES) Weapons (FORTH WALL CREW) Writing tablet, feather pen (BECKY) Treasure chest with gold pieces (AGNES/ALAN) Scene Two: Mirror, sword (REAGAN) Sword (VIVIAN) Scene Three: Sword (REAGAN) Scene Five: Coin purses with coins (CRANBURY’S CREW and REAGAN’S CREW) Swords (VALOIS’ CREW) SOUND EFFECTS Waves crash, seagulls cry.

50 iii RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only SETTING 1 VIVIAN: We did it! Huzzah! (ALL cheer.) Time: Early seventeenth century. AGNES: You’re a genius, Jan! Place: The port city of Brabbleton, England, and the surrounding ALAN: That was so amazing! I think I’m going to throw up. open seas. BECKY: I’m not sure how I’m going to text all this to Elsabeth. 5 REAGAN: (To JASPER.) Well done, sailor. So, which of you is going to SYNOPSIS OF SCENES be the new captain? (Looks between JASPER and CHARLES.) ACT ONE CHARLES: Oh, I’m not cut out for captaining. Scene One: Brabbleton town square outside of the Huxley’s inn, JASPER: (Shakes his head. To REAGAN.) But… maybe you? morning time. REAGAN: Oh, no. I’ve got my own ship and crew, thank you. But… you Scene Two: The town square, later that afternoon. 10 know who I think would be an excellent choice? Scene Three: The town square, a short time later. CRANBURY: Well, I’m honored, m’lady, but I think we’ve all had a bit much of the pirate life. It’s time we all— ACT TWO REAGAN: I wasn’t talking about you. (Looks pointedly at JAN. Then, Scene One: The deck of the Fourth Wall (a ship), a couple of days later. ALL turn to look at JAN, who is shocked at first, but then smiles and 15 resolutely punches her fist in the air.) Scene Two: The deck of the Fourth Wall, days later. JAN: Arr! Scene Three: The deck of the Fourth Wall, a couple of hours later. ALL: Arr! Arr! Arr! (LIGHTS FADE to BLACK as ALL EXIT. Then in Scene Four: The deck of the Fourth Wall, moments later. the dark.) Scene Five: The deck of the Fourth Wall, a short time later. DIRK: (From OFF LEFT.) Hello? Is anyone going to let me out of this 20 brig? Hello?! SET DESCRIPTION END OF PLAY Brabbleton Square: The exterior of the Huxleys’ inn is UP LEFT with a door leading OFF into the inn. A poster advertising The Death of Caesar hangs on a wall of the inn. A raised stage or platform with crude Roman decorations—columns, urns, etc.—is DOWN RIGHT. A few rows of benches are CENTER. The rest of Brabbleton is OFF LEFT; a backstage area for Lord Cranbury’s company is OFF RIGHT. The deck of the Fourth Wall pirate ship can be played in front of an open ocean backdrop with railings to designate the sides (starboard bow RIGHT, port bow LEFT) of the ship. The ship’s helm is UP RIGHT. The UP LEFT EXIT leads to the brig, the hold, and the rest of the ship’s interior. The RIGHT EXIT leads to the open seas. The deck is littered with barrels, buckets, ropes, tools, a mop, and other trappings.

iv 49 For preview only 1 JASPER: Knock me down with a feather. AN ACT OF PIRACY VALOIS: But ’ow? Zees ees preposterous! ACT ONE CRANBURY: (In a high-pitched voice.) Yes, we are all women! I even Scene One give my lovely, beautiful locks of hair one hundred brush strokes 5 a day— 1 AT RISE: TOWNSPEOPLE come and go through Brabbleton Square on VIVIAN: (Sotto voce.) Don’t overdo it, Cranbury. a busy morning, as JOANNA stares at a poster on the wall. LAVINIA and JAN: (To VALOIS.) You thought they were terrible actors, but it seems SUSAN ENTER LEFT and approach JOANNA. they fooled you—and everyone else—quite handily. SUSAN: Well, if it isn’t Joanna Huxley! How are you, love? MORRIS: (To himself.) ’Cept me. 5 JOANNA: Same as you, I expect. Poor and miserable. 10 CHARLES: Captain, are we taking them all prisoner, then? I mean, I LAVINIA: What’s that you’re reading? guess we’ve got to. JOANNA: Lavinia, you know as well as I do that I can’t read. VALOIS: (Threateningly, to JAN.) Where… ees… ze treasure? LAVINIA: Right. What’s that you’re staring at, then? JAN: (Jingles a coin purse.) We’ve all got the treasure. Distributed JOANNA: Some ragamuffin just put it here. Never seen her before, till evenly among us. (The OTHERS jingle purses. VALOIS growls and 10 she comes nailing up posters on the wall of my inn. (JAN ENTERS 15 moves in to take JAN’S purse, but JAN snatches it away.) You RIGHT with a broom and starts sweeping the stage.) wouldn’t assault a woman to take it now, would you? SUSAN: (Points.) That stage wasn’t there yesterday, was it now? VALOIS: (Laughs exaggeratedly French.) You zink you are so smart, do you? You zink you ’ave won? (Draws his weapon.) You are about to JOANNA: That’s her, the ragamuffin! You, girl! What’s all this, then? find out ’ow Murdock the Murderer ’as earned hees title. JAN: I’m just a stagehand. You should talk to Lord Cranbury. 20 JAN: I thought you never harmed women! 15 JOANNA: I don’t care if he’s Lord Blueberry, Strawberry, or Boysenberry, JASPER: (Concerned.) What are you doing, Captain? he’s got no right letting you nail stuff up on my inn. And what’s with the stage? VALOIS: Ze only reason I had zat seely rule was to keep my men in line! But zey are aneemals, ze lowliest of sea dogs, pitiful JAN: I believe it’s all been worked out with your husband. wretches! Zey do not care! And neizer do I! (Raises his arm to strike JOANNA: My…? (Narrows her eyes, then bellows.) Robert! 25 JAN, but JASPER grabs VALOIS’ arm and stops him.) 20 ROBERT: (Bellows from OFFSTAGE.) Yes, my sweet honey blossom? JASPER: Captain! Never harm women! JOANNA: Get out here. Now! VALOIS: Release me at once, eediot! Do you not see zat zey are ROBERT: (Bellows from OFFSTAGE.) Certainly, my lovely doe-eyed playeeng us? beauty. (JOANNA taps her foot until ROBERT ENTERS UP LEFT JASPER/CHARLES/VALOIS’ CREW: Never harm women! through the inn door, wiping a mug.) What is it, my pet? 30 JASPER: That’s what you’ve always said, and… (Tears up.) …well… 25 JOANNA: What is going on here? it’s made us better men, sir! And pirates don’t get many chances ROBERT: What do you mean, my love? (JOANNA gestures angrily to feel that way. Right, boys? (VALOIS’ CREW nods and wipes tears.) at the stage, the poster, and JAN.) Right. I can explain, VALOIS: Eet was nonsense! I do not care about weemon! sweetheart. So, this gentleman approaches me and asks, JASPER: Then… then I hereby relieve you of duty for breaking “Robert, my good fellow”— 35 Murdock’s—I mean, for breaking our most important rule. 30 LAVINIA: You know this Lord Blueberry, then? VALOIS: You zink you can defeat me? (JASPER, CHARLES, and VALOIS’ JAN: Cranbury. CREW all draw their swords and point them at VALOIS who, shocked, ROBERT: No. I mean, I didn’t at the time. drops his sword and puts up his hands.) Fine, okay. LAVINIA: So how did he know your name then? JASPER: Get him out of here, men! (VALOIS’ CREW leads VALOIS ROBERT: What are we talking about? 40 OFF RIGHT.) 35 SUSAN: You said he said “Robert, my good man.”

48 1 For preview only 1 ROBERT: Right. Maybe he didn’t say those exact words. 1 JASPER: Captain, I think she knows! JOANNA: Get on with it. Why’s there a blooming stage in the yard? VALOIS: Yes, I am Murdock. But eet does not matter. She weel be our ROBERT: Of course, my pretty petunia. So this Lord What’s-His-Face— preesoner. (To JAN.) It weel surprise you, I know. But seence you JAN: Cranbury. are a woman, you weel not be ’armed. Now tell us— 5 JAN: You mean, you’re not going to send me to meet my maker at the 5 ROBERT: He comes up to me and says, “Robert, my good fellow”— bottom of Davy Jones’ Locker? LAVINIA: Oh, so now he knows you again? JASPER: Never harm women. ROBERT: Fine, he says, “My good fellow, whom I have not met until this very moment, and whose name I do not know…” There, you VALOIS: Of course, never ’arming women does not mean you cannot happy now? be a slave on my sheep for ze rest of your peeteeful life. Maybe 10 you can be our new cook. Or clean out ze bunks. 10 LAVINIA: Well, it’s a bit more plausible, isn’t it? JASPER: But, Captain, I think she means that there are more women. JOANNA: Robert Huxley, if you don’t get to the point right now… VALOIS: Nonsense. Zey are merely actors. We saw zem in zat seely ROBERT: (Speaks quickly.) He’s a famous London actor and has a leetle play in Brabbleton. And actors cannot be women! Everyone company that wants to perform here this afternoon, and he’s knows zis. (VALOIS’ CREW ushers ALL OTHERS but DIRK ON giving us a cut of the profits to use the yard, and you’re beautiful 15 LEFT with their hands up.) Ah, ’ere zey are! You see, zey are just 15 and lovely and sweet and so understanding and— cowards, not women. JOANNA: Cut of the profit, you say? JAN: Are you sure about that, Captain? ROBERT: Yes, a cut. VIVIAN: Maybe we are better actors than you think. (Dramatically JOANNA: How much? reveals she is a woman.) ROBERT: Fifteen percent. 20 JASPER: Well, blow me down! 20 JOANNA: Get him up to twenty. VIVIAN: Women cannot be actors, huh? ROBERT: But… I already shook on the deal and— KELLY: Or sailors? (Reveals she is a woman.) JOANNA: Twenty percent, Robert. VALOIS: What ees zis? ROBERT: Of course, my sweet pumpkin pie. REAGAN: Or pirate captains? (Reveals she is a woman.) JOANNA: (To LAVINIA and SUSAN.) So… Can I interest you two in 25 VALOIS: Vous, Capitaine? 25 some tickets for a play? REAGAN: Thank you for addressing me with the proper title, Valois. Or SUSAN: Wouldn’t miss it, Joanna! Murdock. Whatever your real name is. Yes, I am Captain Reagan LAVINIA: (Unsure.) Hmmm… What’s this play about? O’Flynn, commander of the Black Flag and the most renowned JAN: Julius Caesar. pirate in these waters, until you slithered your way in here. LAVINIA: Who’s he? 30 JASPER: Reagan O’Flynn’s a woman? We attacked him—uh, her— 30 JAN: Emperor of Rome. days ago. She… They could have been killed! (Kneels.) Sorry, ma’am, we didn’t know! LAVINIA: They’ve still got one of those? VALOIS: Stop your blubbering, Jasper! So zere are a few weemon. Zey JAN: No. It’s a history play. shall… (Sighs resignedly.) …of course be offered safe passage as JOANNA: A history play! Now what could be better than that? 35 preesoners, but ze rest shall sweem weeth ze feeshes maintenant! LAVINIA: (Sniffs.) Anything, really. RUTH: But we’re all women. 35 JOANNA: Spread the word! Tell your friends and neighbors! VALOIS: What? SUSAN: But you’re our neighbor! ALL: (Except VALOIS’ CREW.) We’re all women! (Remove their hats to JOANNA: Go on! Go on! (SUSAN and LAVINIA EXIT LEFT.) reveal long, flowing hair. Some MEN pull off feminine poses in their ROBERT: I’m so glad you came around, my gentle lamb. 40 wigs better than others. Some bat their eyes.)

2 47 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 VIVIAN: How could you be so blind, Cranbury? She practically runs 1 JOANNA: Oh, you’re not off the hook, yet, Robert. We’ve food to your whole operation. You wouldn’t last a day without Jan. At prepare, drink to pour. We can charge extra for stools and pillows least I see what she’s capable of. That’s why I chose her as my for old backsides. personal assistant. ROBERT: You are as shrewd as you are lovely, my dear. 5 REAGAN: You’re both clueless. Her potential has been wasted long 5 JOANNA: Listen here. If we don’t make money off this, I’ll have your hide. enough. Jan, it’s not often that I can’t plot a course for what to do, ROBERT: We will, my cinnamon bear. We will! but I… I know you can do it. You just have to believe, too. JOANNA: We’d better. (Turns to JAN.) What are you looking at? Haven’t JAN: (Pause.) I do have an idea. But it’s a long shot. A really long shot. you got things to do? REAGAN: Let’s hear it. JAN: Yes, ma’am. (Sweeps.) 10 JAN: Okay… (Stops.) No, you have the Black Flag. You could get away. 10 JOANNA: Now find this Lord What’s-His-Face and get him up to twenty! REAGAN: It’s damaged and slow in the water. Besides, no one’s safe ROBERT: Of course, my dainty duck. (JOANNA storms OFF UP LEFT as long as he’s roaming the seas. Not pirates, not merchants— into the inn. ROBERT sits on a bench and settles in for a nap.) CRANBURY: Not actors. JAN: Shall I fetch him for you? REAGAN: If you know how to stop Murdock, then let’s do it. We’ll do ROBERT: (Jumps.) Hmm, sorry? What? 15 this together. 15 JAN: Lord Cranbury. You wish to speak to him? JAN: All right… We’ll need everyone on board in order to pull this off. ROBERT: I do? Not really. Could you? (LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.) JAN: Me? End of Scene Four ROBERT: I know you’re just a lowly stagehand, but I would really ACT TWO appreciate if you could— Scene Five 20 JAN: Negotiate a profit-sharing agreement, allocating income among separate parties by determining the relative value of each party’s LIGHTS UP on the deck of the Fourth Wall, a short time later. JAN contribution to the overall profits? stands alone on deck, silently. There are shouts from OFF RIGHT as ROBERT: Right. Yes, something like that. 20 VALOIS’ CREW gets ready to take the ship. JAN: I heard you talking about twenty percent. Are you referring to the JASPER: (From OFF RIGHT.) Right, men! Heave to and secure the 25 gross intake or net? grappling hooks! Weapons out. Prepare to board! Go, go, go! (Runs ROBERT: (Confused.) Net? ON RIGHT, followed by CHARLES and VALOIS’ CREW.) Secure the hold and the cabins! (CHARLES and VALOIS’ CREW EXIT UP LEFT.) JAN: Very good. Then we should probably discuss the ratio— ROBERT: No, I mean, what net? What are you talking about? 25 VALOIS: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Do not stop searching until you find ze treasure! JAN: The income after operating expenses. There are, of course, JASPER: (To VALOIS.) That other ship, the Black Flag, was empty. 30 market risks, as well as numerous expenses to consider in the No sign of its captain, O’Flynn. They must be hiding on this ship. allocation of profits. If you’re acquiescent to these deductions, then— Bunch of cowards. ROBERT: Who are you? 30 JAN: Well, you know women. JAN: Just a stagehand. VALOIS: You! What do you mean? You are ze only woman on zis ROBERT: Ah. How do you know so much about… profit-sharing and, sheep. And you are lucky you are. 35 and… income ratios? JAN: And why is that, pray tell? JAN: (Shrugs.) Somebody’s got to. JASPER: Captain’s only rule—never harm women. ROBERT: All right. 35 JAN: Funny, that Charles fellow said that was Murdock the Murderer’s JAN: Mr. Huxley, I believe we can give you twenty percent. Under the only rule as well. Now why would you have the exact same rule as aforementioned clauses, of course. that infamous pirate, I wonder. 40 ROBERT: Really?

46 3 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 JAN: Just leave everything to me. 1 JAN: Worse. I think Haute-Valois… is Murdock the Murderer. (OTHERS ROBERT: Oh, excellent. Thanks! react in shock as LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.) JAN: Uh-huh! (ROBERT EXITS UP LEFT into the inn.) End of Scene Three CRANBURY: (ENTERS RIGHT with GALFRED and HESTER. HESTER is ACT TWO 5 constantly practicing lines in the background.) Look lively, everyone! Scene Four We’ve got a set to complete. Rome wasn’t built in a day, you know. Except in this case, of course. Ha! LIGHTS UP on the deck of the Fourth Wall, moments later. JAN, GALFRED: Just as funny as the last seventeen times you’ve told that REAGAN, CRANBURY, and VIVIAN huddle close together. CHANCE is one, sir. 5 at the helm UP LEFT. 10 CRANBURY: Hmmm, yes. Jan, who was that you were talking to? CRANBURY: So tell me again how you know Valois is really Murdock? JAN: The proprietor of the inn, sir. It seems we may get a better deal JAN: I guess I don’t know for sure, but there were a lot of clues. The than you originally worked out. way they recognized Charles made me certain, however. CRANBURY: (Feigns interest.) Oh, really? VIVIAN: Yes, but wouldn’t someone have found out before now? JAN: I got him to agree to a clause for expenses and— 10 REAGAN: No, they wouldn’t have. It’s the perfect ruse. As Murdock, he 15 CRANBURY: Yes, yes, yes. Have you swept the stage yet? Don’t want attacks any merchant vessels he finds and leaves no witnesses. anyone dirtying their togas unnecessarily, do we? JAN: But as Valois, he attacks other pirates and ensures that he JAN: Of course not, m’lord. (Sweeps.) doesn’t have competition. Had you been merchants, you would CRANBURY: Blast it all, where is everyone? have been attacked by Murdock, but if he had captured you as 15 pirates, he would have taken you in as the law-abiding Valois. GALFRED: Cranbury, I thought you said there was food out here? REAGAN: And now that he has the letter of marque from the English, 20 CRANBURY: Be a dear, Jan, and go fetch the company. I’ve got to he can sail anywhere he chooses and be either Murdock or Valois give my traditional, rousing pre-show speech, and there’s not to suit the situation. (Slumps.) I’m finished! much “pre” left before the show! (JAN EXITS RIGHT.) VIVIAN: But I still don’t understand how you figured it out. Why—? HESTER: Oh, no! Really?! How much time is left? (Warms up.) A 20 box of mixed biscuits, a box of mixed biscuits… (Continues to JAN: It will take too long to explain, and we haven’t much time. If I’m right, he’ll be back as soon as Charles wakes up and tells him 25 repeat quietly.) we have his treasure. Then he won’t care if we know who he is. CRANBURY: Relax, Templeton. You’ll do fine. Just fine. You know, I Murdock will finish the job. remember being a young boy like you. FRANK: (From OFFSTAGE.) Ships off the starboard bow! HESTER: Boy? (Beat.) Right. Boy. 25 CHANCE: (Looks OFF RIGHT. To REAGAN.) Captain, it’s Valois… CRANBURY: And even I—yes, I!—would get nervous before a show. uh, Murdock… uh… Someone’s coming up on us quick! (Points 30 (Laughs, condescending.) Imagine me, a stammering, nervous, OFF RIGHT.) utterly incompetent wreck, just as you are. CRANBURY: So, what is to be done? HESTER: In… incompetent? VIVIAN: Do you think we can beat him? CRANBURY: (Puts an arm around her shoulders and turns out to the 30 AUDIENCE.) And like you, I would fail night after night. The laughter REAGAN: We are outgunned and outnumbered. But if anyone can think of a plan, I’ll bet it’s Jan. 35 and jeers from the audience overwhelmed me, sending me into spirals of shame and disgraced humiliation. JAN: What? Why are you all looking at me? HESTER: (Stutters.) Sp– sp– spirals of shame? REAGAN: Would you stop already! Jan, I’ve only known you a short CRANBURY: There is nothing—nothing!—worse than bombing on time, but it’s obvious you’ve got more smarts, courage, and stage in front of an audience of unforgiving, merciless detractors 35 strength than you give yourself credit for. 40 just waiting to see you fail. Craving it, really. (HESTER is speechless CRANBURY: Hmph. What are you talking about?

4 45 For preview only 1 VIVIAN: You’ll rue the day you let Henry Nine-Fingers and Captain Vile 1 and terrified.) But, there, there, I’m sure you’ll do fine. Just fine. get away! (Turns from HESTER, who faints onto the floor.) VALOIS: Yes, I am sure I weel— (Sees CHARLES, passed out on the GALFRED: You going to include that in your rousing speech? deck.) Wait, who is zat? (Points to CHARLES.) CRANBURY: Oh, do you think I should? 5 JAN: Oh, no. 5 GALFRED: (Gestures.) Ah, it’s done wonders for Templeton. REAGAN: (In her deep pirate voice.) Just a sailor who’s had a bit too CRANBURY: (Turns to see HESTER on the floor.)Look at that. His much, sir. Don’t worry about him. nerves are completely soothed. He’s so relaxed he’s fallen JASPER: (Crouches for a closer look.) It’s Charles! asleep! (DIRK, AGNES, ALAN, RUTH, BECKY, and MORRIS ENTER JAN: Oh, no. RIGHT. BECKY carries a writing tablet and feather pen. A pigeon 10 sits on her shoulder.) 10 VALOIS: Silence, imbécile! AGNES: Wait, how do you know him? ALAN: (Points to HESTER.) Hey! I didn’t know there was a death scene in this play. Why didn’t I get that part? VALOIS: Ahem. Eet ees my duty to know ze pirates zat sail in zese parts. Charles Tanner ees a pirate of some infamy. Why ees ’e ’ere? GALFRED: You didn’t know there was a death scene in a play about Julius Caesar? JAN: We found him. His ship was sinking, and he came to us for help. 15 AGNES: Didn’t you read the script, mate? 15 VALOIS: I see. And what else was on hees sheep? ALAN: I know my lines. In English and in Roman. ALAN: Oh, you won’t believe it! A big— BECKY: As if! We are not doing that. JAN: A big hole was letting in water. The ship sank just as we reached him. We couldn’t save anything from it. ALAN: Whyus notus? It soundsus amazingus! VALOIS: (Angry.) La moutarde me monte au nez! Very well. I am BECKY: No. 20 takeeng zis lowly dog aboard my sheep. (His CREW picks CHARLES 20 AGNES: Stick to the script. That’s what Lord Cranbury always says. up and EXITS RIGHT, led by JASPER.) And he would know. He acted one time in London, he did! CRANBURY: Fair enough. We didn’t want him, anyway. ALAN: Yeah, yeah. Don’t worry. I know it. Galfred hasn’t even looked VALOIS: ’E shall answer for ’ees incompetence. Or is eet ’ees at his script. insolence? Ah, ze Anglais hurts my mouth to speak any longer. We GALFRED: I got time. 25 depart now. ’Ave a safe pleasure cruise, Captain… what was eet? 25 RUTH: The play starts in an hour. VIVIAN: Vile! Captain Vile! ALAN: What’d he say? VALOIS: Ah, yes. May ze winds favor you… until zey don’t. (EXITS RUTH: The play starts in an hour. RIGHT. ALL watch anxiously as he sails away, then ALL but JAN AGNES: He says, “The play starts in an hour.” cheer and celebrate.) GALFRED: See, a whole hour to go. I’ll have it down by then. (Gestures 30 KELLY: I can’t believe that worked! 30 to BECKY.) At least I’m not as bad as O’Sullivan. Barely even VIVIAN: Another victory for the Fourth Wall! knows he’s in a play. REAGAN: That was a brilliant idea, Jan. You were amazing! Why aren’t BECKY: Wow. Low blow much? you celebrating? (OTHERS quiet down.) AGNES: On his tablet. Like always. JAN: Because when Charles wakes up and tells him the real story, BECKY: Yeah, sorry-not-sorry. 35 we’re in serious trouble! 35 ALAN: What’s with the bird? Is it gonna tweet your messages for you? ALAN: So he finds out we made away with some pirate treasure. That BECKY: Um, that’s exactly what it does, troll! It’s a passenger pigeon. won’t matter that much to Valois. I can, like, text anyone now. JAN: No, but it will matter to Murdock. ALAN: Who on Earth would want to receive messages non-stop all REAGAN: What do you mean? You think Valois and Murdock are in league? day long?

44 5 For preview only 1 BECKY: Um, my friend Elsabeth, that’s who. I’ve got, like, six friends, so— 1 VALOIS: Yes… yes, zey are familiar. MORRIS: Does he mean us? (Clumsily counts everyone off on his HESTER: I am… I am Jolly… Jolly… (Freezes up, then runs and hides.) fingers.) Can’t be sure now, but I thinks there’s more than six of us. VALOIS: And who are you, zen? GALFRED: I don’t think we even warrant one of those fingers, Morris. BECKY: Oh, shoot… Who was I again? Kitchen, or something? 5 (JAN ENTERS RIGHT, wakes HESTER, and helps her up. JAN stands 5 VALOIS: What about you? apart, but attentive.) GALFRED: Oh, uh… line? CRANBURY: Ah, good. Gather ’round, everyone. Gather ’round. Now, JAN: Galfred, you can’t call “line.” This is for real! I know we’ve been a bit put out lately. Traveling from village to village has taken its toll on our noble acting company. We’ve GALFRED: But I don’t know my line! 10 faced some inexplicably hostile crowds, it’s true. But I believe the VALOIS: (To JAN.) Bonté divine! You! You are ze girl from ze play. What experience has only made us stronger. And this, this is no sleepy 10 are you doing ’ere? hamlet. This is Brabbleton! The famed City on the Bay! We are REAGAN: (In her deepest voice.) Uh… Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of grog! on the up and up! A successful show here means we could be We sails the briny deep, and we makes ye walk the plank! Arr, arr! granted parts in the Earl’s Men come wintertime. JASPER: Sir, I think they’re all from the play. 15 AGNES: I’m happy being part of Lord Cranbury’s Men! To Lord Cranbury! VALOIS: Qu’est-ce que? Zey are all from ze play…? (Gasps.) You are ALL: (Except CRANBURY. Halfhearted.) To Lord Cranbury. 15 right! Zese are zose terreeble actors! What are you doing on ze CRANBURY: Yes, well, I’m happy to finance our summer tours with ocean? On a sheep? my family fortune. But it’s the prestige, men. The prestige! And CRANBURY: Arr, we be scouring the seas for plunder and booty. Now thanks to our new play from our brilliant playwright, Dirk Patrick… we’ve parleyed long enough! It’s time for ye to be on your way, ye 20 (Applauds, and the rest follow suit with noticeably less enthusiasm.) bilge rat! DIRK: Oh, it was nothing. I mean, it did take me several months and 20 JASPER: They’re pirates now, sir. considerable research… VALOIS: (Amused.) Zey are not pirates! CRANBURY: Dirk, I’m speaking. CRANBURY: Aye, we are! DIRK: Oh, sorry! ALL: (Except VALOIS and his CREW.) Arr! 25 CRANBURY: Yes, thanks to this wonderful new play, and, of course, VALOIS: No, zey are playeeng at pirates. But zey are ’armless. More our star performer, Vic Thatcher— (Applauds, then looks around 25 zan ’armless. Zey weel probably sheepwreck zemselves before and stops.) Wait, where’s Thatcher?! Thatcher! long. (Laughs.) JAN: He’s indisposed, m’lord. ALAN: You’re going to let us go, then? CRANBURY: Indisposed? Doing what? The play’s about to start! VALOIS: Oui, oui. Go on weeth your seely leetle pirate games. Right 30 JAN: I’m not at liberty to say, m’lord. now, we ’ave more important zings to attend to. Per’aps when we CRANBURY: Not at…? (Flustered.) I’m your employer, not Thatcher! 30 get bored, we shall seek you out again, eh, men? (VALOIS’ CREW JAN: Of course, m’lord. laughs in agreement.) CRANBURY: So why is he not here? REAGAN: (Sotto voce to JAN.) Your idea is working! He’s leaving! We might get out of this. VIVIAN: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Rest easy, dear Cecil. I… (Long dramatic 35 pause.) …have arrived. (ALL except CRANBURY applaud.) JAN: (Sotto voce to REAGAN.) A good thing, too. It’s worse than 35 you think. CRANBURY: Don’t applaud him. (To OTHERS.) Why are you applauding? REAGAN: What do you mean? (JAN shakes her head, gesturing AGNES: Sorry, m’lord. to VALOIS.) CRANBURY: (To VIVIAN.) You timed that deliberately. CRANBURY: You will live to regret this, ye scurvy dog. The next we VIVIAN: I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about. sees ye, we’ll blast yer ship outta the water, we will! 40 VALOIS: Oh, yes. I look forward to eet.

6 43 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 CRANBURY: We do? 1 CRANBURY: Victor Thatcher, if you weren’t so good at acting—especially JAN: Yes… for the honor of English theatre! in female roles—I’d have fired you from the company long ago! GALFRED: What are you talking about? VIVIAN: Yes. Lucky for me, I suppose. CRANBURY: She’s right! We were not at our best when he saw us MORRIS: Sir, I’s got a—whatcha call it—theory about that! (OTHERS 5 last. But this time, we have learned Thatcher’s method of acting. 5 give an exasperated sigh. VIVIAN looks alarmed.) We will prove that English actors are the best in the world! CRANBURY: Oh, not the “Thatcher is actually a woman,” theory again. JAN: Yes! And you, Captain O’Flynn. Do you remember all the pirate MORRIS: I’s just sayin’— phrases that Thatch—I mean, Henry Nine-Fingers—taught you? CRANBURY: It’s preposterous, Morris! No one’s ever heard of a REAGAN: (Hesitant.) Yes… woman acting before. 10 JAN: Use them. Use them as if your life depended on it. Because 10 DIRK: It’s true. Not a one. it does. CRANBURY: A woman would never even want to act. They’re much REAGAN: I hope you know what you’re doing. too mild-mannered and delicate for a profession such as ours. JAN: I hope so, too. ALAN: ’Sides, everyone knows that men can play women better than CRANBURY: Come on, men. (WOMEN look back at him.) I said come women ever could. 15 on, men! (WOMEN hurriedly make themselves look male again.) 15 DIRK: Exactly. (VIVIAN, RUTH, HESTER, AGNES, and BECKY bristle ALAN: (Looks OFF RIGHT.) Now that’s a nice ship. Why’d you cheap noticeably, but say nothing.) out on ours, Cranbury? MORRIS: I’s only got one eye, but I reckons I sees better than the CRANBURY: Captain Vile, remember? lot a ya! ALAN: Oh, yeah. Right. GALFRED: Oh, do you now, Morris? 20 VIVIAN: He comes. 20 MORRIS: And I’ll tells ya somethin’ else… (Whispers loudly.) …I don’t VALOIS: (ENTERS RIGHT with JASPER and the rest of his CREW.) I am think Thatcher’s the only one, neither! Capitaine Jean-François De La Haute-Valois. I ’ave been geeven ALAN: Oh, come off it. a letter of marque to search every vessel in zees waters for AGNES: (Nervous.) What a laugh! suspicious behavior. And you, I must admeet, look very suspicious. CRANBURY: I assure you, Morris, that Jan, here, is the only woman in 25 JASPER: Identify yourselves! 25 our troupe. And is she not the model woman? Dutifully sweeping CRANBURY: (After an uncertain moment, resolutely steps forward.) the stage, mending our costumes, preparing our meals, and I be Captain Vile, commander of the Fourth Wall. Ye have no whatnot. Model woman. right to board me ship. Now off with ye, lest we send ye to Davy BECKY: You are so woke, sir. Jones’ Locker! CRANBURY: And someday she will marry a handsome lad and have 30 ALL: (Except VALOIS and his CREW.) Arr! 30 sons of her own. Then they can grow up to be actors. But she VALOIS: (Chuckles.) What… what ees zis? wouldn’t dream of being an actor herself. Come now, Vic Thatcher. VIVIAN: Henry Nine-Fingers be my name! I’ve sailed these waters me Please set the record straight. You are no woman, and the very whole life, and I’ve never met such a scurvy scoundrel as you! idea is ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous, yes? VALOIS: Excusez-moi? VIVIAN: I think we should be preparing for our show instead of 35 debating the obvious. 35 AGNES: And I be Black— MORRIS/CRANBURY: See? ALAN: I be Blackbeard! Most feared pirate in the Americas! Tiver me shimbers! VIVIAN: I trust you’ve all rehearsed thoroughly this time. I’ve invited Frederica Gallant to the show tonight. JASPER: (Leans in to VALOIS.) Sir, these blokes seem familiar. BECKY: No way! Isn’t she the wife of Andrew Gallant, the— MORRIS: (Steps forward in the wrong directions.) Crow’s Nest Johnny, 40 VIVIAN: The manager of the Atlas Theatre, yes. 40 reportin’ for duties.

42 7 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 BECKY: How’d you convince her to come? 1 REAGAN: Not now, Frank. CRANBURY: Oh, I can’t stand her. Either of them, actually. The RUTH: What if we hide him really well where Murdock can’t find him, Gallants think they’re such experts on theatre. Why on earth would and we say we found the treasure and want to give it back? you invite Frederica to the show? REAGAN: That might work. 5 VIVIAN: Many people think to impress Reginald, but it is Frederica 5 FRANK: Captain! Ship approaching! (ALL rush RIGHT to see.) who is the real brains in scouting out talent—and new hires. I have HESTER: It’s Murdock! heard from a very reliable source that they are searching for a new lead. None of you had better mess this up for me. BECKY: Seriously? I can’t even, right now. CRANBURY: But… but Thatcher! Are you saying you would leave our VIVIAN: It was a good life, albeit a short one. Alas, it is good that I 10 company for the Gallant Players? end it with you, my true friends. VIVIAN: Ugh, in a heartbeat. 10 REAGAN: Save the farewell speech. That’s not Murdock. CRANBURY: But you’re our best actor! JAN: It’s not? ALAN: Well, I don’t know about that. (AGNES, RUTH, BECKY, HESTER, REAGAN: It’s worse. GALFRED, and DIRK all say their next lines together.) VALOIS: (From OFF RIGHT.) Attention, unknown vessel! Zis is your one 15 AGNES: No, he is. and only warning! Prepare to be boarded! Do not reeseest. Your RUTH: No question. 15 sheep weel be searched. Any suspicious behavior weel be met weeth extreme force. BECKY: Who else? ALL: Haute-Valois. HESTER: He’s amazing! REAGAN: We’ve only got a couple of minutes—Wait, how do you know GALFRED: Are you kidding? Haute-Valois? 20 DIRK: The best. 20 VIVIAN: He came to one of our plays once. MORRIS: (Shakes his head.) He’s a woman! BECKY: Not a fan. VIVIAN: Aww, I love you all so much. My closest friends! The thought of leaving you… it… it strikes my very soul. You are all so dear to VIVIAN: He ridiculed us. Didn’t take us seriously at all. me. (Threatens.) But if you mess this up, I will smother you all in JAN: No, no he didn’t. (Beat.) I’ve got an idea! Captain O’Flynn, has 25 your sleep. I will haunt your families and your entire bloodline. Even Haute-Valois ever actually seen you or your crew? your pets will not be safe from my wrath! (ALL except CRANBURY 25 REAGAN: No, we only know him by reputation. applaud and nod approvingly.) JAN: Good. That’s good. Hester, get down below and release the men. CRANBURY: He just threatened— Why are you applauding? HESTER: What? Why? AGNES: He’s just so good, m’lord. BECKY: They’re not going to be much help in a fight. 30 VIVIAN: You’d better believe it. JAN: Just go. Hurry! (HESTER runs OFF UP LEFT.) Captain, have you JAN: M’lord, we’re nearing showtime. The audience will be arriving. 30 ever been in a play? CRANBURY: Right, well… Everyone look to the priming. We are going REAGAN: Me? No! Never. to put on the show of our lives. Not for the sake of Thatcher’s JAN: Perfect. You and your crew are going to fit right in. career, but for the nobility and honor and integrity of our craft. REAGAN: What do you mean? 35 VIVIAN: And because I’ll maim all of you if you make me look bad. CRANBURY: (ENTERS with ALAN, MORRIS, GALFRED, and HESTER.) (OTHERS laugh at first, but grow nervous at VIVIAN’S serious glare.) 35 What is the meaning of this? I am glad to be freed, but I was CRANBURY: He’s not going to… No one’s getting maimed. Let’s just having quite the nice repose just now. get backstage. Come along, come along. (ALL EXIT RIGHT except VIVIAN and JAN.) JAN: M’lord, Haute-Valois is about to board the ship. We have to show him what we’ve learned. We have to make him believe we 40 VIVIAN: Thanks for setting up my entrance, dove. You’re so good at are pirates! that. The perfect partner.

8 41 For preview only 1 REAGAN: Not if he never found out. 1 JAN: Of course, Mr. Thatcher. CHARLES: But you know he would. VIVIAN: You know, don’t let them convince you that you’ve nothing to JAN: Who is this man? look forward to besides raising a brood of children. I think you’ve REAGAN: You might be wondering why I am in need of new got a bright future. 5 5 crewmembers, and why my ship is in such a sorry state. Well, JAN: You do? it’s due to this man. Or, more precisely, the man he hails as VIVIAN: I’ve noticed all that you do around here. Oh, you’re modest, his captain. and that’s not a bad quality, but the way you run everything around CHANCE: (Widens eyes.) Sink me… here, from the advertising to the divvying of the shares—you’re the cornerstone of this enterprise. JACKIE: Not— 10 JAN: Thank you, Miss—Mister Thatcher. I didn’t think anyone notice— 10 REAGAN: Aye. He’s one of Murdock’s men. VIVIAN: And when Frederica chooses me to be the lead actor of the RUTH: Murdock?! renowned Gallant Players, I want you to come along with me. VIVIAN: No, you must be mistaken. He let us take him without a fight. JAN: (Awestruck.) I… I’m honored that you would think of me. I have He asked us for help. so much I could do for an established playhouse like that! REAGAN: He sails under Murdock’s flag. That ship he was on, it 15 VIVIAN: Playhouse? No, my dear, you are destined for a much higher 15 attacked us a few days ago. I remember his leering face. We got honor than that. away in the firefight, but only just barely. We must have damaged his ship. That’s why it was sinking. JAN: Oh? What did you have in mind? JAN: So his story was a lie. VIVIAN: My personal assistant! REAGAN: You’ve taken one of Murdock’s men hostage, and I took you JAN: (Sighs and gives a forced smile.) Oh. Yes, that would be… 20 20 hostage, which means I’m now responsible for him. VIVIAN: You didn’t know I thought so highly of you, did you? Look at you. You’re speechless. Yes, personal assistant to the top actor CHARLES: Not only that, but you’ve got his treasure as well. His best in the country. I tell you this so that you don’t get any funny ideas stuff, actually. And my mates know we’re around here somewhere. and settle down with some stable boy. You, my dear Jan, are Now, Murdock’s not one to show mercy on his best days. Imagine destined for greatness. what he’s going to do when he finds out what you’ve done. 25 JAN: As your personal assistant. 25 HESTER: Oh… what have we done? VIVIAN: (Grabs JAN by the shoulders and pulls her in, squealing CHARLES: Some of you may be lucky. He never harms women. It’s in excitement.) So let’s make this the best show of our lives! his only rule. (EXITS RIGHT.) JAN: What? JAN: Personal assistant. Stage sweeper. Wife. Is that all life has in CHARLES: But you… (Looks to FRANK and CHANCE.) Maybe he’ll tie 30 store for me? (LAVINIA ENTERS LEFT.) 30 you to the masts and let the sun slowly roast you. Or maybe he’ll Oh, hard is the fortune of all womankind. use you for target practice with the ship’s cannons. Or maybe— They’re always controlled, they’re always confined. REAGAN: (Walks up and knocks him unconscious with the butt of her Controlled by their parents until they are wives, sword.) I had enough of that, how about you? Then slaves to their husbands the rest of their lives. VIVIAN: What do we do with him now, Captain? 35 LAVINIA: Oy, has the play started yet? Was that verse? 35 FRANK: (Looks OFF RIGHT.) Uh, Captain? JAN: Uh, yes, it was. But no, ma’am, the play hasn’t started. Just BECKY: I like your idea of throwing him overboard. doing a bit of cleanup beforehand. JAN: We can’t do that! LAVINIA: Hmmm. Well, you missed a spot. REAGAN: He’s worth more alive than dead. He might be the only JAN: (Sighs.) Thank you, ma’am. (LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.) bargaining chip we have when Murdock finds us. End of Scene One 40 FRANK: Captain?

40 9 For preview only ACT ONE 1 JAN: I was busy trying to anchor the ship by myself without piercing Scene Two the hull. BECKY: I was texting Elsabeth. 1 LIGHTS UP on Brabbleton Square that afternoon. SUSAN, LAVINIA, REAGAN: Texting…? What’s…? Never mind. Here they are. (CHANCE ROBERT, and JOANNA sit with TOWNSPEOPLE on the benches facing 5 leads CHARLES and KELLY leads DIRK ON UP LEFT.) the stage. DIRK: Oh, the fresh air! The sunlight! Thank you, thank you! LAVINIA: (Groans.) When is it starting? REAGAN: They tell me your name is Albert… Hogsbottom? 5 SUSAN: Would you quit whining, Lavinia?! It will start when it starts, that’s when. DIRK: No, no, that’s just… I’m Dirk Patrick, a playwright. And these dummies threw me in the brig when I didn’t want to play along with JOANNA: P’raps something to quench your thirst while you wait? 10 their silly acting exercises. LAVINIA: Nah. I just spent my last few farthings on this ticket, now REAGAN: You know, a prisoner’s first tactic is always to deny their didn’t I? identity. “Oh, please! You have the wrong man!” 10 JOANNA: Nonsense, Lavinia. I know you’re good for it. DIRK: But it’s true. They’ll tell you! (Looks to ACTORS.) Oh, tell her, LAVINIA: All right, then. (JOANNA EXITS UP LEFT into the inn.) already! Wait… There’s something different about all of you. Did ROBERT: Did you hear that Murdock the Murderer struck again off the 15 you decide to alter your characters, or…? coast of Cornwall? VIVIAN: I think we should lock him back up. SUSAN: Oh, don’t talk about pirates! Especially that one. DIRK: You would say that! It was your idea to put me in there in the 15 LAVINIA: Last I heard, he sunk one of the duke’s galleons in the Bay first place! You’ve always had contempt for me and my craft. Were of Biscay. you not a woman, I would challenge you to a duel—Wait! You… ROBERT: Two galleons, I heard. 20 you are a woman. (Looks around.) And Templeton? And O’Sullivan? LAVINIA: They say that even other pirates are scared of Murdock. And Avery… I think I spent too long in my cell. Am I going mad? SUSAN: Well, he’ll be caught any day now that Haute-Valois is on VIVIAN: (Strides up to DIRK with a crazed look in her eyes.) I don’t 20 his trail. know, Dirk. Are you? LAVINIA: That wily captain may be a Frenchman, but he gets the job DIRK: (Stutters.) Put me back in. Put me back in! (Drags KELLY OFF done, he does. 25 UP LEFT.) ROBERT: Valois is staying at the inn, you know? REAGAN: (Gestures to CHARLES.) And who is this? Your costume SUSAN: Really! designer? The lighting technician, perhaps? CHARLES: Ah, Captain O’Flynn. You don’t remember me? (REAGAN 25 LAVINIA: Come on, Robert. gives him a suspicious look.) ROBERT: It’s true! 30 JAN: No. He was just a sailor whose ship was going down. The rest of LAVINIA: Why would he be staying at your lousy inn? the crew had abandoned him, and he had all this treasure aboard. ROBERT: It’s not lousy! Best inn this side of Kirkby Lane. That was our big pirate moment. LAVINIA: Only inn this side of Kirkby Lane. REAGAN: Treasure? Why would a mere sailor have treasure? And why 30 ROBERT: My point stands, then. do you look so familiar? (Realizes.) No… SUSAN: What’s he doing in Brabbleton? 35 FRANK: What is it, Captain? ROBERT: Says he’s… Oh, how did he put it? (In a French accent.) JACKIE: Wait. Isn’t he one of…? “Gazzering intelligawnce” on pirate activities in the area. See, the VIVIAN: Who is he? king’s granted him passage in our waters in the hopes he’ll take REAGAN: Throw him overboard. No. Wait. That might make 35 down Murdock. And any other pirates he finds. things worse. LAVINIA: ’Cept the pirates have gotten worse than ever! 40 CHARLES: Much worse. SUSAN: Do you think he’ll come watch the play?

10 39 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 RUTH/VIVIAN/JAN/BECKY/HESTER/AGNES: (Ad-lib.) Oh. Sorry. 1 LAVINIA: Dear, I’m sure he’s got more important things to do than— Oops. I didn’t mean— (VALOIS and JASPER ENTER UP LEFT from the inn.) REAGAN: But I think this occasion calls for an exception. ROBERT: There he is! ALL WOMEN: Arr! (LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.) LAVINIA: Huh. What do you know? End of Scene Two 5 SUSAN: Oh, my. Handsome fella, ain’t he? Lavinia, go and see if he wants to sit by us. ACT TWO LAVINIA: He can sit where he wants, Susan. Scene Three SUSAN: Oy! Captain! There are seats over here! 5 LIGHTS UP on the deck of the Fourth Wall, a short time later. KELLY, VALOIS: (Approaches with JASPER. To ROBERT.) Ah, ze owner of FRANK, JACKIE, and CHANCE are counting and sorting gold from the 10 zis établissement. I ’ave decided to observe your seely leetle treasure chest. country’s théâtre. KELLY: Nice haul they got here. They can’t be such bad pirates if they SUSAN: (To LAVINIA.) Oh, so civilized! (To VALOIS.) I’ve heard so much managed to get this. about you, Mr. Valois! 10 JACKIE: I’ve never seen so much money all in one place! JASPER: That’s Captain to you! FRANK: Nah, they’re not pirates at all. They’re actors, see. 15 VALOIS: Jasper! ’Ave you no manners! ’Ow dare you speak to zis CHANCE: That’s what Captain O’Flynn said. woman weeth disrespect! KELLY: Is this some sort of theatre ship? SUSAN: Oh, it was nothing, Captain. CHANCE: Captain said they’re seeing what it’s like to be pirates for VALOIS: (To JASPER.) Kneel, you swine! (JASPER quickly prostrates 15 a play. himself. JAN ENTERS RIGHT, concerned about the noise, and KELLY: Ah. You know, it makes less sense now that you explained it. 20 observes from afar.) You see, madame. I employ ze scum of ze earth because zat is ’oo we ’unt on ze ocean. I need men ’oo FRANK: This’ll make up for what Murdock took from us, anyway. are every beet as cruel and vicious as zose pirates. But it does JACKIE: We’re lucky we escaped with our lives! mean zat zey have some difficulty when zey come ashore and are CHANCE: I’m not even so worried about Murdock. We shook him off, expected to conduct zemselves with a leetle beet of propriety. 20 didn’t we? No, it’s this Haute-Valois that’s got me goin’. 25 All zey need is some… mild discipline sometimes. Just a leetle JACKIE: They say he’s sunk more ships than Murdock has, and he’s démonstration of ’ow to be respectable. hunting for pirates like us. (REAGAN, RUTH, VIVIAN, JAN, BECKY, SUSAN: Oh, all right. Mild discipline sounds fine. HESTER, and AGNES ENTER LEFT.) VALOIS: (Loudly berates JASPER.) What ’ave you to say for yourself? REAGAN: Avast, ye scallywags! Répondre! 25 KELLY: What’s that, Captain? 30 JASPER: I’m sorry, Captain! REAGAN: Oh… (Gestures to ACTORS.) …they’ve been teaching me VALOIS: Sorry to me? Why are you sorry to me? I deed not take some pirate phrases. It’s actually kind of fun. offense. Why do you apologize to me? Eet is to zis woman you CHANCE: Whatever you say, Captain. must apologize, swine! REAGAN: (To ACTORS.) So, you’ve got a chest full of treasure and two SUSAN: Oh, I’m fine. No need to— 30 prisoners. That all happened before I arrived, and it’s the biggest 35 JASPER: I’m sorry, ma’am! mystery I have yet to figure out. Chance, Kelly, why don’t you bring VALOIS: Are you sorry? I do not zink she can ’ear you! Your words the prisoners up here whilst our newest recruits regale me with sound empty to my ears! the tale of how a troupe of actors with absolutely no experience JASPER: (More forceful.) I’m sorry, ma’am! successfully pulled off an act of piracy? (CHANCE and KELLY EXIT 35 UP LEFT.) VALOIS: Zat is not good enough, swine! If you were sorry, you would 40 be begging! Beg for her forgeeveness! HESTER: I’m not even sure, actually. (Points.) I was hiding over there.

38 11 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 JASPER: (Weeps.) Please, ma’am! I’m sorry! 1 CRANBURY: She would never want to become a pirate. You, madam, SUSAN: It’s really okay! are an anomaly. VALOIS: You call zat begging? Kiss her feet! Beg like your life depends REAGAN: Actually, many in my crew are women. on eet! CRANBURY: For the last time, women are as ill-suited to piracy as 5 JASPER: (Clings to SUSAN’S feet and kisses them. JOANNA ENTERS 5 they are to acting. You’re being ridiculous! UP LEFT from the inn with a tray of mugs and stops short.) Sooorry! HESTER: It’s not that ridiculous. SUSAN: I forgive you! I forgive you! (JAN is shocked and EXITS RIGHT.) ALAN: Oh, come on, Templeton! Not you, too. JOANNA: (Crosses CENTER, unsure.) Who’s thirsty? (ROBERT raises a BECKY: Women are totally capable. It’s just that no one gives them hand but is ignored.) the chance. 10 VALOIS: (Soft-spoken again.) Jasper, get up. Get a ’old of yourself. Zees 10 CRANBURY: There’s never been a female actor before. How would woman has shown mercy to you. You shall not forget eet, no? you know? JASPER: No, sir. Absolutely not, Captain. VIVIAN: That’s because men are afraid that women would act them FREDERICA: (ENTERS LEFT.) Excuse me, is there a play being right off the stage. performed here? ALAN: “Off the stage” in laughter! What a hysterical notion! (The 15 JOANNA: Why, yes, your ladyship! We have some great seats in front 15 CREW argues.) here. (Kicks LAVINIA.) Move it, you shrew! RUTH: (Hollers.) Enough! (Removes her hat defiantly.)My name is LAVINIA: Oy! (Moves back a row with SUSAN to make room for VALOIS Ruth. (MEN are astounded. BECKY does the same, then AGNES and FREDERICA.) and HESTER. MEN gasp. REAGAN looks pleased.) FREDERICA: Thank you. (Sits.) Ah, Capitaine Jean-François De La BECKY: I’m Becky. 20 Haute-Valois! A pleasure to find you here! 20 AGNES: My name’s Agnes. (Pause.) VALOIS: (Bows.) Ah, Madame Gallant! A surprise to see you ’ere as HESTER: And I’m Hester. well. I was doubteeng zis play before, but if you are ’ere… (Sits MORRIS: What’s goin’ on? next to FREDERICA. JASPER stands by.) ALAN/CRANBURY: Ladies? FREDERICA: Well, we shall see. There is one actor who is apparently MORRIS: I told ye! Didn’t I tell ye? “Thatcher’s a woman,” I said. (ALL 25 quite the rising star. Victor Thatcher? (Sees JOANNA’S tray.) Is one 25 turn slowly to look at VIVIAN.) for me? CRANBURY: Thatcher… surely not… (VIVIAN pulls off her hat and JOANNA: Sure, sure. Would you also care for a pillow? Perhaps a shakes out her hair. CRANBURY, ALAN, and GALFRED faint.) footstool? Only a small extra charge. (FREDERICA takes a mug and MORRIS: What happened now? turns back to VALOIS, ignoring JOANNA, who finishes distributing 30 mugs and puts the tray behind the benches.) JAN: They fainted. VALOIS: (To FREDERICA.) I am certain eet will be magnifique. Alzough 30 MORRIS: Why? Just because Thatcher’s a woman? your country has many, many faults, eet is famous for eets théâtre. VIVIAN: No, because we’re all women. And proud of it. FREDERICA: Well, this might not be quite so renowned. But one MORRIS: All women? Everyone’s a woman except me? (Faints.) remains hopeful. REAGAN: Well, that will make it a lot easier to tie them up and thrown 35 VALOIS: In France, we ’ave actors who are so good, zey can make them in the brig. Good work! I assume you’re all joining my crew, you weep weeth a single word. Zey can make you laugh weeth one 35 then? (RUTH, VIVIAN, JAN, BECKY, AGNES, and HESTER look at each raised eyebrow. Zey can stir such emotion, your ’eart feels like eet other uncertainly. They nod slowly to each other as if in agreement weel be reeped from your chest. and turn to REAGAN.) FREDERICA: Ah, yes, we have actors of such talent here in England, RUTH/VIVIAN/JAN/BECKY/HESTER/AGNES: Arr! 40 but in a traveling company such as this, it is… REAGAN: Oh. We… don’t actually say that. VALOIS: Yes?

12 37 For preview only 1 REAGAN: I was just about to say the same thing. (Attacks. The 1 FREDERICA: Highly unlikely. following dialogue continues as they fight.) VALOIS: But ze English théâtre, eet ees so esteemed! Weeth your VIVIAN: Didn’t expect that, did you? Shakespeare, and your Ben Johnson, and your John Webster. (To REAGAN: That’s exactly what I expected, actually. You’ve been trained JOANNA.) Ees zis play by one of zem? 5 for stage combat. 5 JOANNA: Uh… probably! Robert, do you know who wrote this play? VIVIAN: Extensively trained. ROBERT: My sweet chickie-poo, I haven’t the faintest. REAGAN: I can tell! If this were a play, I might be frightened. JOANNA: You let them set this up, and you don’t even know what VIVIAN: I seem to be doing well enough. play it is? REAGAN: That’s because I’ve been fighting fair… until now. ROBERT: I’ll go find out, my darling. (Meanders OFF RIGHT.) 10 VIVIAN: “Until now”? What do you mean? 10 JOANNA: (Eagerly, to VALOIS.) He’s finding out. REAGAN: My men have arrived. Take him, boys. CRANBURY: (From OFF RIGHT.) Get out, you imbecile! Players and VIVIAN: What? (Spins around to defend herself from attackers who crew only! are not there. REAGAN places the tip of her sword against VIVIAN’S ROBERT: (Rushes ON RIGHT. JAN follows him ON, but he doesn’t see.) back. VIVIAN drops her weapon. The CREW groans in disappointed.) About the play… Well, I can’t say for sure, my love. 15 REAGAN: Oldest. Trick. In the book. 15 JAN: Sir? VIVIAN: Ugh! ROBERT: (Startled.) Bwaah! REAGAN: Now, for some reason, your prison is already somewhat full, JAN: Can I help you? so if you could all line up, I’ll just bind you up here on the deck until ROBERT: I dunno, can you? my crew arrives. (ALL but CRANBURY line up, looking ashamed. To SUSAN: We want to know what play it is! 20 CRANBURY.) You’ll need to surrender your sword, Captain. 20 JAN: The Death of Caesar. CRANBURY: I refuse to give up so easily. We are many. You are but FREDERICA: Ah, it is Shakespeare after all. (To VALOIS.) You’re in for one man. a treat, my dear Cap— REAGAN: Wrong again, Captain Vile. (Takes off her hat to reveal long JAN: Sorry to interrupt, but it is not Shakespeare’s play. hair.) I’m no man at all. JOANNA: Who wrote it, then? 25 CRANBURY: Aha! I knew you couldn’t be a pirate! You’re a woman! 25 SUSAN: Dirk Patrick, ma’am. REAGAN: Oh, well, I didn’t realize there was a rule against that. VALOIS: Ees he… famous ’ere? CRANBURY: There most certainly is! One must consider propriety! LAVINIA: Never heard of him. (JOANNA smacks her.) Ow! REAGAN: Oh, yes, of course. Everyone knows that pirates are sticklers JOANNA: Sure you have, Lavinia. Everyone knows… knows… for rules and propriety. No, I am, in fact, a woman—and a pirate. JAN: Dirk Patrick. 30 JAN: That’s— 30 JOANNA: Yes, Dirk Patrick! ’Course you know him. (To VALOIS.) We’ve CRANBURY: Absurd! got the very best here at our inn, I can assure you. JAN: Fascinating. VIVIAN: (ENTERS RIGHT and pulls JAN aside. OTHERS continue to REAGAN: (To JAN.) You think so? Hmmm… Now I’m not one to press- quietly converse.) Jan! That’s her! Frederica Gallant! She’s gang, but you… I might offer you a place on my crew. actually here! 35 JAN: Me? Oh, no. I could never— 35 JAN: Uh, right. Splendid. REAGAN: Why not? You know your way around a ship. You’ve got VIVIAN: Oh, I am going to give it my all tonight! If the rest of those intelligence, courage, and absolutely no reason to remain with idiots mess up, it will just make me look that much better. And I these jesters. have a plan. She will be amazed at my ingenuity. I just hope the CRANBURY: Jan would never join you. She is loyal to the end. rest of those idiots can keep up. 40 REAGAN: (Shrugs.) Perhaps. Just another admirable quality, then. 36 13 For preview only 1 JAN: Shouldn’t you just do it the way we rehearsed? If the others are 1 AGNES: Hey, it was foggy yesterday morning! I bet that is when he thrown off by— snuck up on us. VIVIAN: Just start the play. Start the play! (Rushes OFF RIGHT.) REAGAN: (Pauses, then slowly nods.) I thought I pretty much revealed JAN: (Climbs onto the stage. Timid.) We… we are ready to begin. If that, yes. 5 everyone could quiet down… (Nobody notices her.) 5 JAN: Why didn’t you just bring the whole ship at us, then? VALOIS: Zere ees a perfectly good play about Caesar by Shakespeare. REAGAN: Ah, the intelligent one. I like you. Best question so far. Why are we not watching zat one? Hmmm… Well, I suppose I could have, at that. But you see, it’s JASPER: I dunno, Captain. not usually a good idea to attack a much larger and better-armed FREDERICA: I’ve never heard of this Dirk Patrick fellow, either. vessel. Had I known it was crewed by the likes of you, I would have 10 been much more confident. (Holds up a mirror and reflects light, 10 JOANNA: Don’t you worry. This is going to knock your socks off. signaling OFF.) Stockings? Pantyhose? What do you fine ladies wear under all that? (Starts to lift FREDERICA’S dress, but FREDERICA slaps her CRANBURY: What is that? What are you doing? away, scowling.) REAGAN: Oh, this? I’m using this mirror to signal my ship. I JAN: (Still timid.) Quiet, please, everyone… expect they shall be here within the hour, and then my crew 15 will capture the Fourth Wall, loot the hold, imprison all of you to 15 LAVINIA: Yeah, let’s tell ’em we want some Shakespeare! This isn’t be sold at the slave market, and… Oh, I’m sure I’m forgetting going to be any good. something. (Ticks her fingers.)Capture the ship. Raid the cargo SUSAN: Well, you don’t know if it’s any good until you see it, Lavinia. hold. Imprison the crew… JAN: (Timid.) Please, if you could… CRANBURY: Ha! You can forget that. You’ve just told us your whole JOANNA: (Notices JAN and shouts.) Cut the cackle and button your 20 plan! We’ll be ready for you now. 20 lips, the lot of ya! (OTHERS fall silent. To JAN.) See, dear, that’s REAGAN: Will you? Oh, that would be quite impressive. Especially how you do it. since I’ve sabotaged your cannons, plugged up the loopholes, and JAN: Ladies and gentlemen, please enjoy the following production cut the rigging to the masts. of The Death of Caesar. (Looks OFFSTAGE and applauds, but only CRANBURY: What…? But… how? SUSAN joins her.) 25 REAGAN: No, I’m afraid your only option now is to surrender. You see, 25 MORRIS: (ENTERS RIGHT, wearing an eyepatch, and pulls JAN aside.) my crew actually knows what they’re doing. Being actual pirates, What was I supposed to do here again, girl? they won’t hesitate to do… (Draws her sword.) …nasty things to JAN: You’re the opening chorus. you in order to capture this ship. No one wants that, do they? MORRIS: Right. And what’s that? CRANBURY: We’ll fight to the last man! JAN: Didn’t Dirk explain it to you? 30 CREW: We’ll…! Uh… 30 MORRIS: Eh, probably. MORRIS: Are ye daft? JAN: You set the scene. Deliver the prologue. CRANBURY: Is there no one who will defend our ship against MORRIS: I thoughts I were a soldier, love. this usurper? JAN: Yes, later you’re a soldier. Now, you’re the chorus. VIVIAN: (ENTERS LEFT with a sword in hand.) Finally, you give me a LAVINIA: (Blurts out.) Has it started yet? Is this the play? 35 proper entrance! 35 JAN: Do you understand, Morris? I’m not even supposed to be on CRANBURY: Thatcher! (The CREW applauds.) stage right now. VIVIAN: (To REAGAN.) This is where you surrender. MORRIS: All rights, all rights. Set the scene, I can do that. (JAN REAGAN: (Amused.) And why would I do that? EXITS RIGHT. MORRIS takes the stage.) Right. So’s you’re all in VIVIAN: I’m no stranger to a good swordfight. You underestimate me, Rome, ya sees. The emperor… What’s-His-Face is abouts to talk 40 and that will be your downfall. 40 to all the Senates and what-have-yas. Oh, I guess he’s not the

14 35 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 CRANBURY: How… (Clears his throat.) How long have you been here? 1 emperor, yet, but he’s aiming to be, ya follow? Now the Senates, REAGAN: Quite a while, actually. No one noticed me, which I thought they don’t cares for that—not a pinch. So, I’m a soldier and I at first was due to my superb stealth and quick thinking, but I defends What’s-His-Face when they tries to kill him in a bit. It’s soon realized it was because you’re all a bunch of… well… idiots gonna be a row, that’s for certain! 5 seems like such an offensive term, but I really can’t think of a 5 DIRK: (Pokes his head ON RIGHT.) Morris! You’re not supposed to tell better word here. My apologies. them that. AGNES: Listen, matey! SUSAN: It’s all right, dear. We don’t understand him anyhow. REAGAN: Ha! “Matey.” Ah, I never get tired of it. Ahem. Yes, go on. DIRK: (ENTERS fully and steps onto the stage.) Sorry, all of you, terribly AGNES: I… Well… sorry. What he meant to say was… 10 CRANBURY: I’m the captain o’ this here ship. And I demands to know 10 “In the days of yore, long before hence, how ye got on board! When Rome was new, it didst just commence—” REAGAN: Oh, right. I just rowed up in that skiff tied astern… (Gestures FREDERICA: Oh, that’s just awful verse. UP RIGHT. The CREW looks everywhere but UP RIGHT.) The stern is DIRK: I… I wasn’t done! Look, we’re just trying to get the play going. the back of the ship. (The CREW rushes UP RIGHT to see.) LAVINIA: Just get on with it, then! We don’t need all this prologue. 15 GALFRED: You mean to say you were just rowing about in the ocean 15 DIRK: But you must understand the context of what you’re about to and happened upon us? see. Otherwise… Here, just let me tell it. REAGAN: Oh, no. No, no, no. I tracked you for about three or four days “In the days of yore, long before hence—” on my schooner, the Black Flag. JOANNA: I liked the fellow with the eyepatch better. Let him tell it! HESTER: Black Flag? That’s an odd name. Sounds like a pirate ship. VALOIS: Ees thees ’ow eet works ’ere? Anyone can just interrupt 20 REAGAN: Does it? Yes, I suppose it does. That’s because it is. (CREW 20 ze play? stands dumbfounded.) A pirate ship. DIRK: In the days of yore— BECKY: You’re a pirate. LAVINIA: Start the play! Start the play! Start the play! (OTHERS join in, REAGAN: Indeed. including MORRIS. DIRK EXITS RIGHT, clearly agitated.) ALAN: But you… you don’t sound like a pirate. AGNES: (ENTERS RIGHT with HESTER. AGNES gestures woodenly and 25 REAGAN: Oh, I’m quite well educated. Went to Cambridge, you know. 25 awkwardly breaks up her lines throughout.) Hear ye! Hear ye! All AGNES: And you don’t look like a pirate, neither. rise for. The entrance of the Roman Senate! REAGAN: Hmmm… I wasn’t aware there was a dress code for piracy. HESTER: I now present… I now… I… (Freezes up.) CRANBURY: Wait, wait. You tracked us in a schooner. Why have we AGNES: (Stage whispers.) C’mon, Templeton. You’ve got this. not seen this schooner sooner? RUTH: (ENTERS RIGHT with ALAN. Talks quietly.) I, the Roman senator, 30 Sutonius, do think that Julius Caesar must be stopped at all costs. 30 REAGAN: Well, for one, it would help if you had a lookout. Even if that means we stoop to the unthinkable and— CRANBURY: Ha! We do have a lookout. (Points to MORRIS, who faces away from the action.) Crow’s Nest Johnny there. JOANNA: Can’t hear you, love! REAGAN: And why is Johnny not in the crow’s nest? Ever? RUTH: (No louder.) The unthinkable and rid the world of him once and for all. If only Brutus— MORRIS: I ain’t goin’ up there! Are ye daft? 35 FREDERICA: What is she saying? 35 CRANBURY: Well, somebody get up there! RUTH: (No louder.) If only Brutus— CREW: Ah… um… LAVINIA: What? MORRIS: Are ye daft? RUTH: (No louder.) If only— REAGAN: Yeah, pretty easy for a small skiff to sneak up on you, then. Say, on a foggy morning. ALAN: (Shouts pointedly at the SPECTATORS.) If only Brutus were 40 to join us, then the plebians would respect us! Those plebians!

34 15 For preview only 1 They’re always like… (Mimics a sheep.) Baa-aaa. Baa-aaa. 1 CRANBURY: Look lively, me hearties! Batten down the hatches! Take (Laughs.) Plebians. her up to full sail! Bring a spring upon her cable! AGNES: Ah, the noble senators Sutonius and Gaius. It is good to JAN: (Enthusiastically.) Aye-aye, Captain! see you. Please. Let my fellow centurion. Show you to your seats. CRANBURY: Not you, cabin boy! You should be swabbin’ the deck. 5 (HESTER freezes up again. AGNES gives her a friendly shove, but 5 (JAN slumps and grabs a mop.) Come on, men! I just gave orders! she doesn’t respond. Awkward pause.) HESTER: But I don’t know what any of that meant. ALAN: It’s okay. I think we can find our own way there. (Glances at GALFRED: I don’t think he even knows what any of that meant. SPECTATORS.) As long as we don’t let any plebians get in our way. CRANBURY: I know that none of it involves lying around like scallywags. Baa-aaa. Baa-aaa. (Laughs.) Come on. Rise and shine! Let’s go! (NONE move except JAN, who 10 SUSAN: It was funny the first time. 10 mops lazily.) ALAN: Oh. Well, how about some Latin, then? As longus asus weus JAN: Maybe if you gave an actual heading, sir. don’tus— CRANBURY: Right. How about three hundred and sixty degrees to CRANBURY: (ENTERS RIGHT with BECKY and GALFRED.) Welcome. starboard! Have at it! (NONE move.) Welcome to you all. It is I, Julius Caesar, your noble dictator. JAN: That would put us on the exact same course, Captain. 15 AGNES: Hail, Caesar! 15 CRANBURY: Oh, fine. That way, then. (Points DOWN LEFT.) ALAN/HESTER/MORRIS: Hail, Caesar! ALAN: But, why, sir? Don’t you have an actual destination? We’ve got RUTH: (Quietly.) Hail, Caesar. to be heading somewhere, or… or we’re just heading nowhere. CRANBURY: I hope you do not mind, but I have brought my children Oh, that’s good. I’m going to use that in the actual play! to our meeting today. I present my son, Caesarion… (Gestures to CRANBURY: How am I supposed to know where to go? I don’t hear 20 GALFRED.) …and this is my daughter, Julia. (Gestures to BECKY.) 20 any of you offering suggestions. BECKY: (Calls OFF RIGHT.) Seriously, Dirk? You named Julius Caesar’s REAGAN: (Rises from behind a barrel.) How about that way, sir? (Points kids Julia and Caesarion? Couldn’t you think of better names? UP RIGHT.) (DIRK pokes his head ON RIGHT.) CRANBURY: Finally. Thank you, um… What was your character’s DIRK: I didn’t make that up. Those were really their names! Read a name again? 25 book now and again, boy! (EXITS.) 25 REAGAN: Reagan. BECKY: Pshh, not likely. CRANBURY: Reagan. Reagan? Doesn’t sound very piratey, though. CRANBURY: (To GALFRED.) My dear son, if anything should happen to Did we settle on that? me, you will be crowned dictator in my place. REAGAN: It should sound piratey. BECKY: Lucky you, brother. (To SPECTATORS.) He’s not my real, CRANBURY: (Finally realizes something is amiss, takes a mental 30 brother, just so you know. 30 count of his crew, and is puzzled.) Thatcher, is that you? Is this CRANBURY: Can you give me reassurance that you will be a good a new character? dictator, as I have been, Caesarion? (GALFRED isn’t paying REAGAN: Afraid not. attention.) I say, son, can you give me reassurance that you will be a good dictator, as I have been? Caesarion? CRANBURY: Then who are you? 35 BECKY: Galfred, wake up. REAGAN: I told you already. Reagan. GALFRED: Oh. Uh… line? 35 CRANBURY: No, who are you? DIRK: (Pokes his head ON RIGHT. Stage whispers.) Yes, father. REAGAN: Ah, a much better question. Who do you think I am? GALFRED: What? CRANBURY: (To OTHERS.) Where did he come from? DIRK: Yes, father! REAGAN: That’s another excellent question. You really are a sharp bunch. How did I arrive here? Perhaps another good question 40 GALFRED: Yes, father. (DIRK EXITS.) 40 would be, how long have I been here?

16 33 For preview only ACT TWO 1 CRANBURY: That gives me such peace of mind. Not that I expect Scene Two anything to happen to me! I am Julius Caesar, after all. Everyone adores me, their leader! 1 LIGHTS UP on the deck of the Fourth Wall, days later. JAN is at MORRIS: ’Course nothing’s gonna happen to yous, oh, great Caesar! the helm, looking less busy than usual. GALFRED, HESTER, ALAN, 5 I’m here to protects ya, ain’t I? (To SPECTATORS.) Actually, MORRIS, RUTH, and BECKY mill around, laying on deck or looking out something really bad’s gonna happen pretty soon, but I’m sures to sea. REAGAN sits behind a barrel with only her legs visible. The ya know that. 5 OTHERS do not see her. CRANBURY: (Tries to cover.) Ha! I’m… sure I don’t know what you are CREW: (Sing bored and slow.) This little light of mine… I’m going to talking about, lowly soldier. Son! Please take your sister to the let it shine… 10 gallery while I conduct my business. (GALFRED doesn’t respond.) ALAN: We’ve been out here for days. When is there going to be AGNES: Psst, Galfred! another ship to plunder? GALFRED: Oh, right. Uh… line? 10 GALFRED: Let’s just ask our lookout. Hey, there, Morris! What’s out DIRK: (Pokes his head ON RIGHT. Stage whispers.) Yes, father. there today? (MORRIS stands up and looks into the distance OFF over the AUDIENCE with a hand shading his exposed eye. He still GALFRED: What? wears an eyepatch over his good eye. ALAN stands up and gets 15 DIRK: Yes, father! (EXITS.) right in front of him, making faces.) GALFRED: Yes, father. (BECKY cringes at GALFRED’S touch as he 15 MORRIS: Nothing yet, Buckles! And the name’s Crow’s Nest takes her arm to lead her aside.) Johnny, remembers? CRANBURY: (To RUTH and ALAN.) Ah, senators. I am so glad you GALFRED: (Points up.) Shouldn’t you be up there, then? could all come. But where is Brutus, my most reliable and loyal BECKY: (Sighs.) Who knew life as a pirate could be so boring? Time 20 friend, whom I trust beyond anyone else and who would never do has literally stopped. me harm? 20 DIRK: (From OFF LEFT.) You mean figuratively! VIVIAN: (ENTERS RIGHT. She eyes FREDERICA often and fawns over her during the performance.) Here I am, my friend. On this day, BECKY: Be quiet down there! Prisoners aren’t supposed to talk, let we celebrate you, O Caesar, for your genius in battle and your alone correct grammar. 25 steadfast leadership. May you live forever! DIRK: (From OFF LEFT.) It’s not grammar. It’s that you’re literally using CRANBURY: Ah, dear Brutus. I can rely on you above all others. the wrong word! VIVIAN: More than you know, dear Caesar. 25 ALAN: Don’t make us come down there! CRANBURY: Hmmm? DIRK: (From OFF LEFT.) Be my guest! I’d gladly trade! At least you’re out in fresh air! VIVIAN: To tell you the truth, I have been troubled of late. My loyalty 30 has been put to the test in ways I fear to disclose to you. BECKY: (Sniffs at HESTER.) Ugh. I wouldn’t call it fresh, exactly. CRANBURY: (Sotto voce.) What are you doing, Thatcher? This is not HESTER: Oh, my. Oh, dear. Well… it’s not like you’re any better. in the script! 30 RUTH: (Quietly.) I’m sure we’d all take baths if we could. Or eat VIVIAN: (Sotto voce.) I’m just improvising a little. something besides hard tack. CRANBURY: We discussed this! GALFRED: You can say that again, Aver—er, Blackbeard. 35 VIVIAN: All great actors know that to truly become the character, one RUTH: (Surprisingly louder.) I’m sure we’d all take baths— must live in the moment, not follow a simple script! GALFRED: No, you don’t have to… I just meant that I agree. CRANBURY: Do not disrupt our performance for your own sake, Thatcher. 35 RUTH: Oh. VIVIAN: It is for the sake of the play, m’lord. Now keep up. AGNES: (ENTERS LEFT with CRANBURY.) See, Captain? They’re just CRANBURY: Thatcher! (As VIVIAN continues, DIRK pokes his head ON lying around not doing anything again. 40 RIGHT, paging through a script, confused and increasingly frantic.)

32 17 For preview only 1 VIVIAN: Yes, a decision lies before me that tears my heart in two. And 1 CRANBURY: And this is exactly the experience we need! yet… Is the decision so hard? If I prove disloyal, the name Brutus JAN: But, sir… will forever equate with “traitor,” “backstabber.” No, Caesar. I CRANBURY: (Breaks the huddle.) Men, seize this scallywag and take believe that I would rather be remembered as an honest man. the treasure! Arr! 5 Maybe even… a hero. 5 CREW: Arr! (RUTH timidly approaches CHARLES and holds lightly onto CRANBURY: You must… fulfill your destiny, Brutus. I’m sure you will his arm. ALAN and AGNES tie off a rope or take rope from a winch do the right thing. and throw it OFF RIGHT, and then EXIT RIGHT using the rope, as if VIVIAN: Yes, Caesar. You are ever so wise, as always. boarding Charles’ ship OFFSTAGE.) AGNES: Great, Caesar. The senators wish to speak. To you. On the CHARLES: Oh, you really don’t want to do that. You see— 10 matter of. A pardon. 10 VIVIAN: Silence, knave! We may be new to piracy, but we are quick CRANBURY: As I have been proclaimed dictator, it is right that learners, and we’re not going to pass up such an easy prize as they come to me, for I alone have the power to grant them this. this! (ALAN and AGNES haul a treasure chest ON RIGHT.) However, I am noble and will not play favorites. Come Gaius and CHARLES: Okay, but it might not be as easy as you think. There will Sutonius. What request have you? be repercussions. 15 RUTH: (Speaks quietly.) We wish for you to end the exile of Publius 15 AGNES: It’s heavy! Cimber, who was unjustly sent from our lands three years ago. ALAN: Sure feels like treasure! (AGNES and ALAN shake the chest and JOANNA: (Annoyed.) Oh, not him again. it jingles.) LAVINIA: Speak up! HESTER: Sounds like treasure! (GALFRED opens up the chest. MORRIS RUTH: (No louder.) We wish for you to end the exile of Publius Cimber— feels his way over, takes out a coin, and puts it in his mouth.) 20 LAVINIA: What?! 20 MORRIS: (With his mouth full.) Tastes like treasure too! ALAN: (Shouts.) The exile of Publius Cimber—you must end it! CRANBURY: We have the treasure! Well done, me hearties! There. (Dabs.) CREW: Arr! CRANBURY: This I cannot do. The sentence is clear. (To VIVIAN.) VIVIAN: Take him below and throw him in with the lubber with Though he may be a brother of yours, I cannot bend justice Hogsbottom. 25 for any man, even if this upsets you and provokes you to rash 25 CHARLES: Don’t say I didn’t warn you. (ALAN seizes him from RUTH.) actions! (Opens his arms wide and hangs his head, ready for his murder scene.) CRANBURY: (To HESTER.) Jolly Roger, go on and sing us a song to mark the occasion! VIVIAN: Well said, Caesar. I agree with you and stand by your decision. HESTER: What now? I… I don’t know any. I haven’t practiced. CRANBURY: Uh… are you sure, Brutus? Does this not make your 30 blood boil? CRANBURY: Just sing whatever your heart tells you, man! VIVIAN: I stand with you, Caesar. You are just and reasonable. 30 HESTER: Uh… (Sings.) This little light of mine, I’m going to let it shine. This little light of mine, I’m going to let it… CRANBURY: But… Brutus. You were ever a… a champion for Cimber’s cause. And I, Julius Caesar, have… have used my power as CREW: (Join in, singing.) …shine. This little light of mine… (A bit dictator to… deny you even such a simple request. I’m sure you louder.) I’m going to let it shine. (Loud.) Let it shine! Let it shine! 35 must be very upset. Upset enough to do something truly terrible to Let it shine! This little light of mine, I’m going to let it shine… me! (Again opens his arms to be murdered.) 35 (CHARLES shakes his head as he is pulled OFF UP LEFT by AGNES and ALAN. LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.) VIVIAN: I wouldn’t dream of it, Caesar. I am ever your loyal friend. End of Scene One CRANBURY: (Sotto voce.) This is where you murder me, you idiot! My big death scene! 40 VIVIAN: (Sotto voce.) Just play along.

18 31 For preview only 1 CRANBURY: Doubt ye that we will throw you to the sharks to make 1 CRANBURY: (To OTHERS.) Are none of you man enough to do our point? something about this? CHARLES: I do, actually. ALAN: Ooh, ooh, I’ll do it! (Draws his dagger and stalks menacingly CRANBURY: (Breaks character.) Okay, so what are we doing wrong? toward CRANBURY. RUTH also pulls out a dagger and follows 5 Shouldn’t you be terrified? 5 hesitantly.) Take this, you plebian! CHARLES: Are you joking? (Gestures at BECKY writing on her tablet, CRANBURY: What is this violence? Alas, my death draws near! (VIVIAN HESTER cowering behind a barrel, and MORRIS facing the complete leaps in front of CRANBURY and grabs ALAN’S arm.) opposite direction.) Look, I know a few things about pirates, and VIVIAN: No! Away, vile fiend! you lot wouldn’t fool anyone. LAVINIA: Finally, some action. 10 AGNES: You’ve run into pirates before? 10 ALAN: But… uh, Brutus. I thought… I thought you were with us? CHARLES: Um, well, yeah. A couple of times. VIVIAN: Ha! Never, you assassin! I merely led you to believe I was part ALAN: What were they like? of your conspiracy, but in reality I was a double agent. I stand with HESTER: Were they horrible and fearsome? Caesar and will prevent his untimely death! Take this! (Draws her CHARLES: It depends, I guess. own dagger and stabs ALAN.) 15 ALAN: (Stands, unsure what to do for a few moments.) Aagh. Ouch. 15 VIVIAN: Who was their captain? Oooh. (Awkwardly dies.) CHARLES: Oh, one of ’em was a nasty piece of work. You ever hear of Murdock the Murderer? (OTHERS gasp.) CRANBURY: Thatch—I mean, Brutus, what are you doing? CRANBURY: He is known to us, yes. You… you were attacked VIVIAN: Defending you, great Caesar! (Stabs RUTH, who shrugs as by Murdock? she also awkwardly and quietly dies.) And so Brutus shall be 20 known as the hero of Rome! The savior of Julius Caesar! Let the 20 CHARLES: Yeah, yeah. Brutal. Vicious. He leaves no one alive, chanters cry it, and the bards sing it. And Rome shall enter a you see. golden age! (There is a long pause as VIVIAN stands triumphant, JAN: Why aren’t you dead, then? and ALL OTHERS are confused.) CHARLES: Uh, well, I escaped. Anyway, my ship’s already getting low AGNES: (Steps to CRANBURY.) Stop. Brutus! I now arrest you for in the water. I don’t suppose you have anyone who could help fix 25 murdering. Our great dictator. Julius Caesar! 25 it? There’s some precious cargo in there, and I really can’t lose it. BECKY: (Without emotion.) Father, no. (Elbows GALFRED.) CRANBURY: To me, men. (The CREW huddles DOWN LEFT. MORRIS GALFRED: (Snaps out of it.) Oh, right. Father, no! I faces out of the huddle.) This is it, me hearties. Our first plunder! VIVIAN: You are all mistaken. I, Brutus, have just saved the life of JAN: Come, now, he’s just a defenseless sailor who needs help. Julius Caesar! VIVIAN: Exactly! Ripe for the picking! He said he had precious cargo! 30 AGNES: But that was my next line. 30 Maybe it’s treasure! VIVIAN: I don’t know what you mean, centurion. GALFRED: It’s not treasure. People don’t actually cart around gold coins and precious gems like in the stories. MORRIS: Don’t I gets murdered too? Defending the emperor? AGNES: (To CHARLES.) Hey, what kind of cargo is it? VIVIAN: Why, no, good soldier. You have done your duty as well as I have. Caesar is safe. (To CRANBURY.) Dear friend, do you not have CHARLES: Treasure, actually. Gold coins, precious gems, that sort of 35 anything to say? I have saved your life from these conspirators. 35 thing. That’s why I really need help patching up the ship. I’m sure I hesitate to compare myself to the heroes of legend, but this is glad you’re not real pirates. truly a momentous occasion. The least you can do is— CRANBURY: (Resumes their huddle.) We’ll show him! We will take FREDERICA: (Stands suddenly.) Enough! (There is a shocked the treasure, make Charles our prisoner, and then we will truly silence. RUTH and ALAN sit up.) I am insulted that you would be pirates! 40 subject me to such nonsense and call it theatre! I refuse to sit 40 JAN: Sir, I thought we were just out here to get the experience. here another minute.

30 19 For preview only 1 CRANBURY: Oh, be quiet, Gallant! You were ever unnecessarily 1 CRANBURY: What’s that, Aver—I mean, Blackbeard? critical of me. Now you have the gall to— RUTH: (Points RIGHT, but still speaks softly.) What about that ship right VALOIS: (Stands and steps onto the stage.) Pardonne-moi, but you there? seem to be deesrespecteeng zis lovely woman. Now, perhaps I VIVIAN: We must work on your projection, mate. C’mon, use your dia— 5 am meestaken, but— 5 JAN: (Looking OFF RIGHT.) Captain, there’s a ship just off starboard! CRANBURY: You are not, sir. This woman is threatening my company (ALL rush LEFT to see.) Starboard is this side. (Points OFF RIGHT and disrupting our theatrical per— and ALL rush RIGHT to see.) VALOIS: (Shouts.) Théâtre? Théâtre?! Zees is ze worst excuse for VIVIAN: It’s not very big. théâtre zat I ’ave ever weetnessed. And you—you are all ze worst JAN: It’s a sloop. They’re waving a white flag. They need help! 10 actors! Zere could never be a more terreeble play performed in all ze world. Eet ees a crime ’ow bad you are, and you should be 10 CRANBURY: Look alive, men! Give no quarter! Take no prisoners! arrested and locked away so zat no one ever sees you act again! Dead men tell no tales! (OTHERS draw their weapons. ALAN and (JAN and DIRK ENTER RIGHT.) AGNES rush ON LEFT.) CRANBURY: Now, see here, I’ll not have you talk to me—or my JAN: You can’t attack a ship in need! 15 players—that way. CRANBURY: But we are also a ship in need. In need of booty and VALOIS: You ’ave just eensulted me with zis performance! I ’ave every 15 plunder! Arr! right to eensult you now. CREW: (Except JAN.) Arr! LAVINIA: Now this, this is entertaining. JAN: Captain, it’s against— SUSAN: Quiet, Lavinia. CRANBURY: Fletcher! Come now. Are you a pirate or not? 20 VIVIAN: What do you know of theatre, anyway? JAN: Captain, it’s against maritime law. Even pirates don’t stoop to VALOIS: More zan any of you, apparently! 20 attacking ships in distress. CRANBURY: I’ve had enough of you. If you insist on talking to us this CRANBURY: How do we know they are not also pirates? Hmmm? way, I shall have to give you a thrashing, sir. (JASPER gets up and Trying to deceive us? Be prepared, me hearties! Be prepared stands menacingly.) for anything. 25 VALOIS: Ees zat so? CHARLES: (From OFF RIGHT.) Ahoy there? Can I get some help? (JAN CRANBURY: Um… well… (Coughs and straightens up defiantly.)Sir, if 25 throws a rope OFF RIGHT.) you wish to duel, I will— VIVIAN: (Calls OFF RIGHT.) Your ship is now property of Captain Vile JAN: (Boldly walks up to VALOIS.) Sir, I will be happy to refund your and his band of buccaneers! I be Henry Nine-Fingers! Tremble at— cost of admission. (CHARLES stumbles ON RIGHT, holding the rope and looking happy and relieved. JAN coils the rope and busies herself with ship duties.) 30 VALOIS: ’Oo ees zees girl? JAN: If you have a complaint, I would suggest you put it in writing, and 30 CHARLES: Ah, so glad you came by when you did. The name’s Charles. it will be reviewed by our board of directors. My ship’s taking on water. Grounded her accidentally a day ago off St. Lucia. Didn’t realize the damage at the time, but it’s gotten VALOIS: Oh, really? worse since, and the others left in the longboat to get help. But JAN: In the meantime, you may have the cost of your ticket refunded. that was hours ago, and… Why are you all dressed like that? 35 VALOIS: But I deedn’t even get a teecket. I was invited. 35 CRANBURY: I be Captain Vile. And you, sir, are now a prisoner of this JAN: If you have no ticket, sir, then you should not be here. There is pirate crew! the exit. I have to insist that you use it. CHARLES: Pirates. Right. (Laughs. OTHERS don’t react.) Seriously? VALOIS: Leesten ’ere, girl. CRANBURY: Arr! JAN: Yes, I am a girl, and your words are making me uncomfortable CREW: Arr! 40 with their tone of disrespect. I do not believe an honorable captain 40 CHARLES: No, for real, what’s going on? such as you would treat women with disrespect. Is this not so?

20 29 For preview only 1 CRANBURY: Aye, Nine-Fingers. He’ll do, he’ll do. We still need a cook 1 VALOIS: (Glances at JASPER and FREDERICA.) Of course not, no. to keep all of us fed! JAN: Then I would appreciate if you would honor my request and leave. BECKY: Sure, I’ll do it. VALOIS: (Narrows his eyes at JAN.) I must be going anyway. We are CRANBURY: There’s a lad. It’s the kitchen for you. departing for ze ocean once again. But I weel not leave a lady in 5 BECKY: Right, so I’m Kitchen. 5 your sorry company. (To FREDERICA.) Madame, weel you allow me CRANBURY: No, you work in the kitchen. Your name can be— to accompany you out of ’ere? BECKY: Let’s just stick with Kitchen. Easier for me to remember. FREDERICA: Thank you, Capitaine! (Takes VALOIS’ arm, and they EXIT LEFT, followed OFF by JASPER.) CRANBURY: You want your name to be Kitchen? CRANBURY: Very well, now that that’s been taken care of, perhaps BECKY: Sure. Whatever. 10 we could salvage things and— 10 CRANBURY: All right. Who does that leave us? Templeton, you can be VIVIAN: (Emotional.) The show’s over, Cranbury. (EXITS RIGHT.) Jolly Roger, our chanty-man! CRANBURY: Thatcher! These people still expect a show, and— HESTER: Sing? Me? No, no, no, no. JOANNA: No, I think you’ve scared off enough of our patrons for one CRANBURY: And Jan can be… (Dramatic pause.) …the cabin boy. day. Honestly, you all should really consider a change in careers. JAN: But, m’lord—I mean, Captain—I’m the only one of us who has 15 CRANBURY: Aha! We wouldn’t dream of doing anything else. This is 15 any sailing experience. Might I be of more use as the boatswain our passion. Your entertainment is our only goal. or the sailing master? SUSAN: I hear you, and I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, CRANBURY: Don’t be ridiculous. You’re lucky you were even allowed but… I thought it was awful. to come since women and girls are not allowed on pirate crews. CRANBURY: What?! JAN: But… (HESTER, VIVIAN, RUTH, AGNES, and BECKY shake their 20 ROBERT: You are the worst actors I’ve ever seen. 20 heads in panic.) But of course, Captain. CRANBURY: (To DIRK.) And you, sir. You are rather well-dressed for CRANBURY: You… you are the worst audience! You don’t know what a pirate! you’re talking about. I’ve never heard any complaints before! (Turns to go.) DIRK: Actually, Captain, since I am not an actor, I thought I could just observe all of you in order to write the new play. LAVINIA: You must not have been listening, then. 25 CRANBURY: What?! Who said that? 25 CRANBURY: Nonsense! We’ve all got our roles to play. If you’re not part of the crew, then you can be our kidnapped victim, LAVINIA: We’re going to go now. (ROBERT and JOANNA EXIT LEFT into Albert Hogsbottom. the inn as SUSAN, LAVINIA, and TOWNSPEOPLE EXIT LEFT.) DIRK: That sounds like a grand idea, Captain. CRANBURY: (Sees SPECTATORS leaving.) Now… now wait! This was VIVIAN: And what do we do with landlubbers, me hearties? (OTHERS not a good representation of our talents! We can restart the play 30 and do it right this time! Oh… drat! 30 shrug.) We throw them in the brig! AGNES: We do? MORRIS: Eh, Lord Cranbury, sir? This here breastplate thing… Well, it’s itchin’ somethin’ fierce. CRANBURY: Oh, I love this. (Clears his throat.) Throw him in the brig! Arr! BECKY: Are we done here, or… AGNES/BECKY/ALAN/MORRIS: (Look at DIRK menacingly.) Arr! CRANBURY: Yes, O’Sullivan. Apparently, we are done here. (LIGHTS 35 FADE to BLACK.) 35 DIRK: Oh but, sir, I can’t observe from there. That’s not what I—Sir! Captain! (AGNES and ALAN haul him OFF LEFT.) End of Scene Two CRANBURY: And now to find some plunder! Arr! ALL: Arr! RUTH: (Speaks softly.) What about that ship right there?

28 21 For preview only ACT ONE 1 there is no script. You must invent your own character. Come, Scene Three introduce yourselves. ALAN: I be the fearsome pirate, Blackbeard! 1 LIGHTS UP on Brabbleton Square, a short time later. AGNES, ALAN, AGNES: Hey, I called Blackbeard! Clearly, I’m Blackbeard. You saw my RUTH, HESTER, GALFRED, MORRIS, and DIRK all lay dejectedly 5 costume yesterday! around the stage and benches. BECKY sits and writes with her feather pen in a tablet. JAN is taking down the set while CRANBURY ALAN: I saw you had a black beard, I didn’t know you were supposed to 5 paces, clearly agitated. be the Blackbeard. Look, Avery’s got a black beard, and it doesn’t mean anything. (To RUTH.) Tell him. Who are you supposed to be? BECKY: (As she writes.) So then Thatcher goes off script and, like, no one has a clue what to do. Then this French dude starts trolling RUTH: Actually, I wanted to be Blackbeard too. us, and Cranbury claps back, which basically sends the play off 10 AGNES: Oh, come on. You, too? the rails. It was, dot, dot, dot, the worst. CRANBURY: This is nonsense. You can’t all be Blackbeard. Who’s 10 CRANBURY: O’Sullivan, please! I’m trying to think. going to choose someone else? (RUTH, AGNES, and ALAN all AGNES: Whatcha thinkin’ about, m’lord? resolutely fold their arms. Long pause.) Fine! You’re all Blackbeard! What a fine start we’re having. Is there anyone who does not want CRANBURY: I just can’t accept what that audience said about us. 15 to be Blackbeard? Worst actors—how can they say that? We had one little slip-up. MORRIS: Ooh, ooh! Over here, Captain! GALFRED: I think there may have been a few. CRANBURY: Ah, there’s my good— (Sees his eye.) Ah! 15 BECKY: More like a hundred. MORRIS: Crow’s Nest Johnny, reporting for duties, sir! CRANBURY: Admittedly, this was not our best performance… VIVIAN: You’re… to be in the rigging as our lookout, then? MORRIS: Prob’ly not our worst, though, either. ’Member that time I falls off the stage and lands on the Duke’s wife? 20 MORRIS: Yessir. AGNES: Oh, right. And then she went into labor! GALFRED: Captain, he can’t see at all. 20 ALL: Yeah… MORRIS: Ah, the sea breeze and the call of the gulls is alls I need, Captain. HESTER: Or that time they didn’t care for us at the Hobbadshire Tomato Festival, and they had all that ready ammunition. CRANBURY: Now here’s someone who has created a fascinating 25 character. Welcome to the crew, Crow’s Nest Johnny! ALAN: You know, I still find tomato seeds in my hair, from time to time. JAN: But, Captain— 25 RUTH: Or that time there was a thunderstorm, and lightning struck VIVIAN: Henry Nine-Fingers, they call me. A crewman of the Royal our wooden balcony and everyone almost died. (OTHERS ad-lib, Navy, I was, until I organized a mutiny and we sailed for the “Ah, yeah!” “That was a bad one!” “Thought we were done for.” Etc.) Spanish Main. Alas, I was caught and sent to the execution dock 30 to dance the hempen jig. But Captain Vile rescued me, he did. And CRANBURY: Perhaps we could all stand to improve. Perhaps it’s time now I am first mate of the Fourth Wall. we made some changes—some big changes—to the way we do 30 things. But I haven’t a clue where to start. GALFRED: What’s the Fourth Wall? VIVIAN: (ENTERS RIGHT.) I think I can help. (OTHERS applaud.) CRANBURY: Why, the very ship you’re standing on, sailor. (Looks at the AUDIENCE.) Oh, there seems to be a few more sailors than CRANBURY: You! You’re the one who messed this up in the first place! 35 I remember. Hmmm… (To GALFRED.) And, pray tell, what do we VIVIAN: That is absurd. The only reason it didn’t work was that all of call you? you act so… old-fashionedly! GALFRED: Um… (Looks at himself.) Buckles? 35 DIRK: That’s not a word. VIVIAN: I think Buckles would make an excellent gunner, Captain. VIVIAN: Quiet. My lord, my fellow players, we have to keep up with What say you? the times! Obviously, these audiences need more from us. They 40 GALFRED: Hmmm, but I’ve never fired anything except stage cannons for special effects. 22 27 For preview only 1 AGNES: Wrong eyepatch! Wrong eyepatch! That’s your bad eye. 1 deserve more! It’s not enough for us to just say lines from a page! MORRIS: Well, then, I guess I do need only one. (Talks to the barrel We need to embody the characters we portray! again.) How do ya likes that, Mister High-and-Mighty? GALFRED: And how are we supposed to do that? GALFRED: Yeah, still not me. VIVIAN: I have heard of a new form of acting—a method, you see, 5 AGNES: Wait. Why cover up your good eye? 5 where actors research what it’s really like to be that character. MORRIS: Because it’s scary-lookin’, ain’t it? Actually, that person! For instance, an actor playing a carriage driver will actually drive a carriage for a week to experience it. AGNES: Ack, yes. Yes, it is. Then the actor will know what it is like to be… to actually be a MORRIS: Pirates is supposed to be scary. Why would I covers up my carriage driver. most menacin’ feature? 10 DIRK: That’s preposterous! Only a true idiot would delude themselves 10 GALFRED: But you can’t see anyone to intimidate them. (Shakes his into thinking something like that would work. head and EXITS LEFT.) MORRIS: I’s all right as I am, I is. MORRIS: (Continues to speak, pacing as he talks, as if GALFRED were CRANBURY: You know, that just might work. still there.) Ah, but my other senses are now honed, you see. My hearing—sharp as a bat’s! My nose as certain as a bloodhound’s. VIVIAN: Really? You’ll try it? 15 My touch— (Bangs into a barrel.) Ah! Yeah. Yeah. That works 15 CRANBURY: Even though you are insufferable at times, you are pretty good too. undeniably the best among us. If you say this works, then we AGNES: Well, we’ll see what the captain says. (Takes out a boatswain’s should endeavor to better ourselves. By any means necessary. whistle and blows it. Shouts.) All hands on deck! Report for GALFRED: Hey, I’m not driving carriages and shoveling manure just to inspection by the captain! (ALAN, RUTH, BECKY, HESTER, DIRK, play the tiny part of a footman or something. 20 and GALFRED ENTER LEFT.) Line up, ya scurvy dogs! 20 CRANBURY: Nonsense. There are untold roles to which we can apply DIRK: We’ve only been at sea for two hours. Hardly enough time to this method. come down with scurvy yet. (CRANBURY and JAN ENTER LEFT.) BECKY: Ooh, let’s do a play where I can be a queen. Then I can live AGNES: Captain on deck! in the palace for a few months. CRANBURY: Thank you, quartermaster. VIVIAN: And another thing… These old plays about ancient Rome, and 25 AGNES: Oh, I thought I was first mate. 25 ancient England, and ancient Greece—ancient, ancient, ancient. We need something contemporary. You heard the audience just CRANBURY: I gave that role to Thatcher, since he… (Looks around to now. They are not interested in these dusty, old subjects. What see VIVIAN not there.) Ugh. Where is—no, wait, I’m not even going are people interested in these days? (ALL think.) to ask. I’m not going to give him the satisfaction of his silly grand entrances. He can come out like the rest of you or not at all. AGNES: Bridge-building? (OTHERS shake their heads. ALL think.) 30 JAN: Who are you talking about, m’lord? 30 HESTER: Plagues? (OTHERS shake their heads. ALL think.) CRANBURY: Thatcher. MORRIS: Love stories? (OTHERS shake their heads. ALL think.) VIVIAN: (ENTERS LEFT, grandly.) You called, sir? (OTHERS applaud. ALAN: I’d love to be someone with superpowers. You know, like CRANBURY sighs. VIVIAN pats JAN on the shoulder, and JAN winks a hero who’s… super. And I could get into epic, city-shattering at her.) battles with aliens while wearing skin-tight spandex suits. 35 CRANBURY: Are we all present and accounted for, then? 35 GALFRED: Like anyone would sit in a theatre and watch that. JAN: Yes, m’lord. CRANBURY: No, what we need is… is— CRANBURY: Ah, but I am a lord no longer. From this point on, I be JOANNA: (ENTERS LEFT from the inn, pulling ROBERT ON after Captain Vile, the most feared pirate of the Seven Seas. Ye are my her.) Pirates! trusty crew, a band of rotten scoundrels who strike fear into the CRANBURY: Excuse me? 40 hearts of sailors everywhere. (None look intimidating at all.) Now, 40 JOANNA: You’re all pirates, that’s what you are!

26 23 For preview only 1 CRANBURY: Pirates, you say? Hmmm… not a bad idea— 1 CRANBURY: Come along, men! I mean, er, me hearties! (Runs OFF JOANNA: First you set up your stage outside my inn without permission. RIGHT, followed by the entire COMPANY except JAN.) Then you swindle my dumb doorknob of a husband into signing a JAN: (To JOANNA and ROBERT.) I… um… (Runs OFF RIGHT.) contract where you get free room and board while only giving us ROBERT: So… I suppose I should start cleaning up… (JOANNA turns 5 a small portion of the ticket sales. You barely even sold tickets! 5 on him, furious. ROBERT turns and runs OFF LEFT. From OFF LEFT.) Look at this. (Pulls out three coins.) Three shillings?! That’s all Sorry, my beautiful apricot! My lovely little dove! My sweet tootsie- we’ve earned? Well, I won’t stand for it! wootsie! (JOANNA stalks OFF LEFT after ROBERT. CURTAIN.) JAN: Ma’am, if you would take a look at the contract… (Takes out a End of ACT ONE contract.) …you’ll see that everything is perfectly outlined— 10 JOANNA: Here’s what I think of your contract! (Takes the contract, ACT TWO tears it up, and throws it at the COMPANY.) Scene One ROBERT: Oh, my honey blossom, I don’t know if that was a good idea. LIGHTS UP on the deck of the Fourth Wall pirate ship, a couple of days JOANNA: (Ignores ROBERT. To OTHERS.) Get off my property. I don’t later. SOUND EFFECT: WAVES CRASH and SEAGULLS CRY. AGNES want to see the lot of you again! 10 ENTERS LEFT and takes a deep, refreshed breath. After a moment, 15 JAN: Ma’am, whether you tear it up or not, the legal agreement is binding. GALFRED ENTERS LEFT, looking uncomfortable in his pirate outfit. CRANBURY: That’s enough, Jan. (To JOANNA.) Thank you, but we will AGNES: Ahoy there, matey! not be needing your inn—or even this stage—for a long while. We GALFRED: Yeah, ahoy to you, too. Are your pantaloons creeping up are about to embark on a journey of discovery. as much as mine? JOANNA: What are you blathering on about? 15 AGNES: Not at all. I can feel the sea breeze, and it is wonderful! 20 CRANBURY: Men, we will give the people what they want. A story of GALFRED: That’s… too much information. (MORRIS ENTERS LEFT, today. Of the here and now. The important issues. And we will stumbling around wearing two eyepatches.) study our new subject not from a script or a library—no! We will AGNES: Morris, what are you doing? live their very lives until we can give a true representation of a MORRIS: Just gettin’ my sea legs. Is that you, Mills? wild, exhilarating, real-life tale. We will become… pirates! Who’s 20 25 with me? AGNES: Captain says we’re supposed to use our pirate names from now on. COMPANY: Yeah! Whoo! MORRIS: Eh? You’ll have to excuse my hearing, seeing as I gots two JOANNA: (Laughs hysterically.) You? Pirates? (Laughs even more eyepatches now. hysterically.) GALFRED: Yeah, we noticed. One’s not enough? CRANBURY: You may laugh all you want, but when we return, our 25 30 pirate play will take the country by storm! (To the COMPANY.) I MORRIS: Ah, young Galfred, one is definitely not enough. think a month or two as pirates should do it, wouldn’t you say? AGNES: Why not? ROBERT: You have a ship? MORRIS: Well, I’s always been a bit intimidatin’ with me eyepatch, CRANBURY: I have quite the family fortune, as a matter of fact. right? So I figures… two eyepatches, well, that’s right scary, that is. Purchasing a ship is but a trifle. GALFRED: Not really, no. (MORRIS strides up to a barrel, thinking it 35 JOANNA: And do you have any idea how to sail it? 30 is GALFRED.) CRANBURY: How hard can it be? MORRIS: It’s not? Are ya sure? Are ya?! JOANNA: And what? You’re just going to go and start robbing people? GALFRED: Over here, Morris. CRANBURY: Yes. Yes, as a matter of fact, we are. (Snatches the MORRIS: Ah! coins from JOANNA’S hand.) Yoink! AGNES: Look, Morris, you can’t see. Just let me… (Removes one of 40 JOANNA: What the— 35 the eyepatches to reveal MORRIS’ “bad” eye.) Argh! MORRIS: There. See? Terrified.

24 25 For preview only 1 CRANBURY: Pirates, you say? Hmmm… not a bad idea— 1 CRANBURY: Come along, men! I mean, er, me hearties! (Runs OFF JOANNA: First you set up your stage outside my inn without permission. RIGHT, followed by the entire COMPANY except JAN.) Then you swindle my dumb doorknob of a husband into signing a JAN: (To JOANNA and ROBERT.) I… um… (Runs OFF RIGHT.) contract where you get free room and board while only giving us ROBERT: So… I suppose I should start cleaning up… (JOANNA turns 5 a small portion of the ticket sales. You barely even sold tickets! 5 on him, furious. ROBERT turns and runs OFF LEFT. From OFF LEFT.) Look at this. (Pulls out three coins.) Three shillings?! That’s all Sorry, my beautiful apricot! My lovely little dove! My sweet tootsie- we’ve earned? Well, I won’t stand for it! wootsie! (JOANNA stalks OFF LEFT after ROBERT. CURTAIN.) JAN: Ma’am, if you would take a look at the contract… (Takes out a End of ACT ONE contract.) …you’ll see that everything is perfectly outlined— 10 JOANNA: Here’s what I think of your contract! (Takes the contract, ACT TWO tears it up, and throws it at the COMPANY.) Scene One ROBERT: Oh, my honey blossom, I don’t know if that was a good idea. LIGHTS UP on the deck of the Fourth Wall pirate ship, a couple of days JOANNA: (Ignores ROBERT. To OTHERS.) Get off my property. I don’t later. SOUND EFFECT: WAVES CRASH and SEAGULLS CRY. AGNES want to see the lot of you again! 10 ENTERS LEFT and takes a deep, refreshed breath. After a moment, 15 JAN: Ma’am, whether you tear it up or not, the legal agreement is binding. GALFRED ENTERS LEFT, looking uncomfortable in his pirate outfit. CRANBURY: That’s enough, Jan. (To JOANNA.) Thank you, but we will AGNES: Ahoy there, matey! not be needing your inn—or even this stage—for a long while. We GALFRED: Yeah, ahoy to you, too. Are your pantaloons creeping up are about to embark on a journey of discovery. as much as mine? JOANNA: What are you blathering on about? 15 AGNES: Not at all. I can feel the sea breeze, and it is wonderful! 20 CRANBURY: Men, we will give the people what they want. A story of GALFRED: That’s… too much information. (MORRIS ENTERS LEFT, today. Of the here and now. The important issues. And we will stumbling around wearing two eyepatches.) study our new subject not from a script or a library—no! We will AGNES: Morris, what are you doing? live their very lives until we can give a true representation of a MORRIS: Just gettin’ my sea legs. Is that you, Mills? wild, exhilarating, real-life tale. We will become… pirates! Who’s 20 25 with me? AGNES: Captain says we’re supposed to use our pirate names from now on. COMPANY: Yeah! Whoo! MORRIS: Eh? You’ll have to excuse my hearing, seeing as I gots two JOANNA: (Laughs hysterically.) You? Pirates? (Laughs even more eyepatches now. hysterically.) GALFRED: Yeah, we noticed. One’s not enough? CRANBURY: You may laugh all you want, but when we return, our 25 30 pirate play will take the country by storm! (To the COMPANY.) I MORRIS: Ah, young Galfred, one is definitely not enough. think a month or two as pirates should do it, wouldn’t you say? AGNES: Why not? ROBERT: You have a ship? MORRIS: Well, I’s always been a bit intimidatin’ with me eyepatch, CRANBURY: I have quite the family fortune, as a matter of fact. right? So I figures… two eyepatches, well, that’s right scary, that is. Purchasing a ship is but a trifle. GALFRED: Not really, no. (MORRIS strides up to a barrel, thinking it 35 JOANNA: And do you have any idea how to sail it? 30 is GALFRED.) CRANBURY: How hard can it be? MORRIS: It’s not? Are ya sure? Are ya?! JOANNA: And what? You’re just going to go and start robbing people? GALFRED: Over here, Morris. CRANBURY: Yes. Yes, as a matter of fact, we are. (Snatches the MORRIS: Ah! coins from JOANNA’S hand.) Yoink! AGNES: Look, Morris, you can’t see. Just let me… (Removes one of 40 JOANNA: What the— 35 the eyepatches to reveal MORRIS’ “bad” eye.) Argh! MORRIS: There. See? Terrified.

24 25 For preview only 1 AGNES: Wrong eyepatch! Wrong eyepatch! That’s your bad eye. 1 deserve more! It’s not enough for us to just say lines from a page! MORRIS: Well, then, I guess I do need only one. (Talks to the barrel We need to embody the characters we portray! again.) How do ya likes that, Mister High-and-Mighty? GALFRED: And how are we supposed to do that? GALFRED: Yeah, still not me. VIVIAN: I have heard of a new form of acting—a method, you see, 5 AGNES: Wait. Why cover up your good eye? 5 where actors research what it’s really like to be that character. MORRIS: Because it’s scary-lookin’, ain’t it? Actually, that person! For instance, an actor playing a carriage driver will actually drive a carriage for a week to experience it. AGNES: Ack, yes. Yes, it is. Then the actor will know what it is like to be… to actually be a MORRIS: Pirates is supposed to be scary. Why would I covers up my carriage driver. most menacin’ feature? 10 DIRK: That’s preposterous! Only a true idiot would delude themselves 10 GALFRED: But you can’t see anyone to intimidate them. (Shakes his into thinking something like that would work. head and EXITS LEFT.) MORRIS: I’s all right as I am, I is. MORRIS: (Continues to speak, pacing as he talks, as if GALFRED were CRANBURY: You know, that just might work. still there.) Ah, but my other senses are now honed, you see. My hearing—sharp as a bat’s! My nose as certain as a bloodhound’s. VIVIAN: Really? You’ll try it? 15 My touch— (Bangs into a barrel.) Ah! Yeah. Yeah. That works 15 CRANBURY: Even though you are insufferable at times, you are pretty good too. undeniably the best among us. If you say this works, then we AGNES: Well, we’ll see what the captain says. (Takes out a boatswain’s should endeavor to better ourselves. By any means necessary. whistle and blows it. Shouts.) All hands on deck! Report for GALFRED: Hey, I’m not driving carriages and shoveling manure just to inspection by the captain! (ALAN, RUTH, BECKY, HESTER, DIRK, play the tiny part of a footman or something. 20 and GALFRED ENTER LEFT.) Line up, ya scurvy dogs! 20 CRANBURY: Nonsense. There are untold roles to which we can apply DIRK: We’ve only been at sea for two hours. Hardly enough time to this method. come down with scurvy yet. (CRANBURY and JAN ENTER LEFT.) BECKY: Ooh, let’s do a play where I can be a queen. Then I can live AGNES: Captain on deck! in the palace for a few months. CRANBURY: Thank you, quartermaster. VIVIAN: And another thing… These old plays about ancient Rome, and 25 AGNES: Oh, I thought I was first mate. 25 ancient England, and ancient Greece—ancient, ancient, ancient. We need something contemporary. You heard the audience just CRANBURY: I gave that role to Thatcher, since he… (Looks around to now. They are not interested in these dusty, old subjects. What see VIVIAN not there.) Ugh. Where is—no, wait, I’m not even going are people interested in these days? (ALL think.) to ask. I’m not going to give him the satisfaction of his silly grand entrances. He can come out like the rest of you or not at all. AGNES: Bridge-building? (OTHERS shake their heads. ALL think.) 30 JAN: Who are you talking about, m’lord? 30 HESTER: Plagues? (OTHERS shake their heads. ALL think.) CRANBURY: Thatcher. MORRIS: Love stories? (OTHERS shake their heads. ALL think.) VIVIAN: (ENTERS LEFT, grandly.) You called, sir? (OTHERS applaud. ALAN: I’d love to be someone with superpowers. You know, like CRANBURY sighs. VIVIAN pats JAN on the shoulder, and JAN winks a hero who’s… super. And I could get into epic, city-shattering at her.) battles with aliens while wearing skin-tight spandex suits. 35 CRANBURY: Are we all present and accounted for, then? 35 GALFRED: Like anyone would sit in a theatre and watch that. JAN: Yes, m’lord. CRANBURY: No, what we need is… is— CRANBURY: Ah, but I am a lord no longer. From this point on, I be JOANNA: (ENTERS LEFT from the inn, pulling ROBERT ON after Captain Vile, the most feared pirate of the Seven Seas. Ye are my her.) Pirates! trusty crew, a band of rotten scoundrels who strike fear into the CRANBURY: Excuse me? 40 hearts of sailors everywhere. (None look intimidating at all.) Now, 40 JOANNA: You’re all pirates, that’s what you are!

26 23 For preview only ACT ONE 1 there is no script. You must invent your own character. Come, Scene Three introduce yourselves. ALAN: I be the fearsome pirate, Blackbeard! 1 LIGHTS UP on Brabbleton Square, a short time later. AGNES, ALAN, AGNES: Hey, I called Blackbeard! Clearly, I’m Blackbeard. You saw my RUTH, HESTER, GALFRED, MORRIS, and DIRK all lay dejectedly 5 costume yesterday! around the stage and benches. BECKY sits and writes with her feather pen in a tablet. JAN is taking down the set while CRANBURY ALAN: I saw you had a black beard, I didn’t know you were supposed to 5 paces, clearly agitated. be the Blackbeard. Look, Avery’s got a black beard, and it doesn’t mean anything. (To RUTH.) Tell him. Who are you supposed to be? BECKY: (As she writes.) So then Thatcher goes off script and, like, no one has a clue what to do. Then this French dude starts trolling RUTH: Actually, I wanted to be Blackbeard too. us, and Cranbury claps back, which basically sends the play off 10 AGNES: Oh, come on. You, too? the rails. It was, dot, dot, dot, the worst. CRANBURY: This is nonsense. You can’t all be Blackbeard. Who’s 10 CRANBURY: O’Sullivan, please! I’m trying to think. going to choose someone else? (RUTH, AGNES, and ALAN all AGNES: Whatcha thinkin’ about, m’lord? resolutely fold their arms. Long pause.) Fine! You’re all Blackbeard! What a fine start we’re having. Is there anyone who does not want CRANBURY: I just can’t accept what that audience said about us. 15 to be Blackbeard? Worst actors—how can they say that? We had one little slip-up. MORRIS: Ooh, ooh! Over here, Captain! GALFRED: I think there may have been a few. CRANBURY: Ah, there’s my good— (Sees his eye.) Ah! 15 BECKY: More like a hundred. MORRIS: Crow’s Nest Johnny, reporting for duties, sir! CRANBURY: Admittedly, this was not our best performance… VIVIAN: You’re… to be in the rigging as our lookout, then? MORRIS: Prob’ly not our worst, though, either. ’Member that time I falls off the stage and lands on the Duke’s wife? 20 MORRIS: Yessir. AGNES: Oh, right. And then she went into labor! GALFRED: Captain, he can’t see at all. 20 ALL: Yeah… MORRIS: Ah, the sea breeze and the call of the gulls is alls I need, Captain. HESTER: Or that time they didn’t care for us at the Hobbadshire Tomato Festival, and they had all that ready ammunition. CRANBURY: Now here’s someone who has created a fascinating 25 character. Welcome to the crew, Crow’s Nest Johnny! ALAN: You know, I still find tomato seeds in my hair, from time to time. JAN: But, Captain— 25 RUTH: Or that time there was a thunderstorm, and lightning struck VIVIAN: Henry Nine-Fingers, they call me. A crewman of the Royal our wooden balcony and everyone almost died. (OTHERS ad-lib, Navy, I was, until I organized a mutiny and we sailed for the “Ah, yeah!” “That was a bad one!” “Thought we were done for.” Etc.) Spanish Main. Alas, I was caught and sent to the execution dock 30 to dance the hempen jig. But Captain Vile rescued me, he did. And CRANBURY: Perhaps we could all stand to improve. Perhaps it’s time now I am first mate of the Fourth Wall. we made some changes—some big changes—to the way we do 30 things. But I haven’t a clue where to start. GALFRED: What’s the Fourth Wall? VIVIAN: (ENTERS RIGHT.) I think I can help. (OTHERS applaud.) CRANBURY: Why, the very ship you’re standing on, sailor. (Looks at the AUDIENCE.) Oh, there seems to be a few more sailors than CRANBURY: You! You’re the one who messed this up in the first place! 35 I remember. Hmmm… (To GALFRED.) And, pray tell, what do we VIVIAN: That is absurd. The only reason it didn’t work was that all of call you? you act so… old-fashionedly! GALFRED: Um… (Looks at himself.) Buckles? 35 DIRK: That’s not a word. VIVIAN: I think Buckles would make an excellent gunner, Captain. VIVIAN: Quiet. My lord, my fellow players, we have to keep up with What say you? the times! Obviously, these audiences need more from us. They 40 GALFRED: Hmmm, but I’ve never fired anything except stage cannons for special effects. 22 27

For preview only 1 CRANBURY: Aye, Nine-Fingers. He’ll do, he’ll do. We still need a cook 1 VALOIS: (Glances at JASPER and FREDERICA.) Of course not, no. to keep all of us fed! JAN: Then I would appreciate if you would honor my request and leave. BECKY: Sure, I’ll do it. VALOIS: (Narrows his eyes at JAN.) I must be going anyway. We are CRANBURY: There’s a lad. It’s the kitchen for you. departing for ze ocean once again. But I weel not leave a lady in 5 BECKY: Right, so I’m Kitchen. 5 your sorry company. (To FREDERICA.) Madame, weel you allow me CRANBURY: No, you work in the kitchen. Your name can be— to accompany you out of ’ere? BECKY: Let’s just stick with Kitchen. Easier for me to remember. FREDERICA: Thank you, Capitaine! (Takes VALOIS’ arm, and they EXIT LEFT, followed OFF by JASPER.) CRANBURY: You want your name to be Kitchen? CRANBURY: Very well, now that that’s been taken care of, perhaps BECKY: Sure. Whatever. 10 we could salvage things and— 10 CRANBURY: All right. Who does that leave us? Templeton, you can be VIVIAN: (Emotional.) The show’s over, Cranbury. (EXITS RIGHT.) Jolly Roger, our chanty-man! CRANBURY: Thatcher! These people still expect a show, and— HESTER: Sing? Me? No, no, no, no. JOANNA: No, I think you’ve scared off enough of our patrons for one CRANBURY: And Jan can be… (Dramatic pause.) …the cabin boy. day. Honestly, you all should really consider a change in careers. JAN: But, m’lord—I mean, Captain—I’m the only one of us who has 15 CRANBURY: Aha! We wouldn’t dream of doing anything else. This is 15 any sailing experience. Might I be of more use as the boatswain our passion. Your entertainment is our only goal. or the sailing master? SUSAN: I hear you, and I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, CRANBURY: Don’t be ridiculous. You’re lucky you were even allowed but… I thought it was awful. to come since women and girls are not allowed on pirate crews. CRANBURY: What?! JAN: But… (HESTER, VIVIAN, RUTH, AGNES, and BECKY shake their 20 ROBERT: You are the worst actors I’ve ever seen. 20 heads in panic.) But of course, Captain. CRANBURY: (To DIRK.) And you, sir. You are rather well-dressed for CRANBURY: You… you are the worst audience! You don’t know what a pirate! you’re talking about. I’ve never heard any complaints before! (Turns to go.) DIRK: Actually, Captain, since I am not an actor, I thought I could just observe all of you in order to write the new play. LAVINIA: You must not have been listening, then. 25 CRANBURY: What?! Who said that? 25 CRANBURY: Nonsense! We’ve all got our roles to play. If you’re not part of the crew, then you can be our kidnapped victim, LAVINIA: We’re going to go now. (ROBERT and JOANNA EXIT LEFT into Albert Hogsbottom. the inn as SUSAN, LAVINIA, and TOWNSPEOPLE EXIT LEFT.) DIRK: That sounds like a grand idea, Captain. CRANBURY: (Sees SPECTATORS leaving.) Now… now wait! This was VIVIAN: And what do we do with landlubbers, me hearties? (OTHERS not a good representation of our talents! We can restart the play 30 and do it right this time! Oh… drat! 30 shrug.) We throw them in the brig! AGNES: We do? MORRIS: Eh, Lord Cranbury, sir? This here breastplate thing… Well, it’s itchin’ somethin’ fierce. CRANBURY: Oh, I love this. (Clears his throat.) Throw him in the brig! Arr! BECKY: Are we done here, or… AGNES/BECKY/ALAN/MORRIS: (Look at DIRK menacingly.) Arr! CRANBURY: Yes, O’Sullivan. Apparently, we are done here. (LIGHTS 35 FADE to BLACK.) 35 DIRK: Oh but, sir, I can’t observe from there. That’s not what I—Sir! Captain! (AGNES and ALAN haul him OFF LEFT.) End of Scene Two CRANBURY: And now to find some plunder! Arr! ALL: Arr! RUTH: (Speaks softly.) What about that ship right there?

28 21 For preview only 1 CRANBURY: Oh, be quiet, Gallant! You were ever unnecessarily 1 CRANBURY: What’s that, Aver—I mean, Blackbeard? critical of me. Now you have the gall to— RUTH: (Points RIGHT, but still speaks softly.) What about that ship right VALOIS: (Stands and steps onto the stage.) Pardonne-moi, but you there? seem to be deesrespecteeng zis lovely woman. Now, perhaps I VIVIAN: We must work on your projection, mate. C’mon, use your dia— 5 am meestaken, but— 5 JAN: (Looking OFF RIGHT.) Captain, there’s a ship just off starboard! CRANBURY: You are not, sir. This woman is threatening my company (ALL rush LEFT to see.) Starboard is this side. (Points OFF RIGHT and disrupting our theatrical per— and ALL rush RIGHT to see.) VALOIS: (Shouts.) Théâtre? Théâtre?! Zees is ze worst excuse for VIVIAN: It’s not very big. théâtre zat I ’ave ever weetnessed. And you—you are all ze worst JAN: It’s a sloop. They’re waving a white flag. They need help! 10 actors! Zere could never be a more terreeble play performed in all ze world. Eet ees a crime ’ow bad you are, and you should be 10 CRANBURY: Look alive, men! Give no quarter! Take no prisoners! arrested and locked away so zat no one ever sees you act again! Dead men tell no tales! (OTHERS draw their weapons. ALAN and (JAN and DIRK ENTER RIGHT.) AGNES rush ON LEFT.) CRANBURY: Now, see here, I’ll not have you talk to me—or my JAN: You can’t attack a ship in need! 15 players—that way. CRANBURY: But we are also a ship in need. In need of booty and VALOIS: You ’ave just eensulted me with zis performance! I ’ave every 15 plunder! Arr! right to eensult you now. CREW: (Except JAN.) Arr! LAVINIA: Now this, this is entertaining. JAN: Captain, it’s against— SUSAN: Quiet, Lavinia. CRANBURY: Fletcher! Come now. Are you a pirate or not? 20 VIVIAN: What do you know of theatre, anyway? JAN: Captain, it’s against maritime law. Even pirates don’t stoop to VALOIS: More zan any of you, apparently! 20 attacking ships in distress. CRANBURY: I’ve had enough of you. If you insist on talking to us this CRANBURY: How do we know they are not also pirates? Hmmm? way, I shall have to give you a thrashing, sir. (JASPER gets up and Trying to deceive us? Be prepared, me hearties! Be prepared stands menacingly.) for anything. 25 VALOIS: Ees zat so? CHARLES: (From OFF RIGHT.) Ahoy there? Can I get some help? (JAN CRANBURY: Um… well… (Coughs and straightens up defiantly.)Sir, if 25 throws a rope OFF RIGHT.) you wish to duel, I will— VIVIAN: (Calls OFF RIGHT.) Your ship is now property of Captain Vile JAN: (Boldly walks up to VALOIS.) Sir, I will be happy to refund your and his band of buccaneers! I be Henry Nine-Fingers! Tremble at— cost of admission. (CHARLES stumbles ON RIGHT, holding the rope and looking happy and relieved. JAN coils the rope and busies herself with ship duties.) 30 VALOIS: ’Oo ees zees girl? JAN: If you have a complaint, I would suggest you put it in writing, and 30 CHARLES: Ah, so glad you came by when you did. The name’s Charles. it will be reviewed by our board of directors. My ship’s taking on water. Grounded her accidentally a day ago off St. Lucia. Didn’t realize the damage at the time, but it’s gotten VALOIS: Oh, really? worse since, and the others left in the longboat to get help. But JAN: In the meantime, you may have the cost of your ticket refunded. that was hours ago, and… Why are you all dressed like that? 35 VALOIS: But I deedn’t even get a teecket. I was invited. 35 CRANBURY: I be Captain Vile. And you, sir, are now a prisoner of this JAN: If you have no ticket, sir, then you should not be here. There is pirate crew! the exit. I have to insist that you use it. CHARLES: Pirates. Right. (Laughs. OTHERS don’t react.) Seriously? VALOIS: Leesten ’ere, girl. CRANBURY: Arr! JAN: Yes, I am a girl, and your words are making me uncomfortable CREW: Arr! 40 with their tone of disrespect. I do not believe an honorable captain 40 CHARLES: No, for real, what’s going on? such as you would treat women with disrespect. Is this not so?

20 29 For preview only 1 CRANBURY: Doubt ye that we will throw you to the sharks to make 1 CRANBURY: (To OTHERS.) Are none of you man enough to do our point? something about this? CHARLES: I do, actually. ALAN: Ooh, ooh, I’ll do it! (Draws his dagger and stalks menacingly CRANBURY: (Breaks character.) Okay, so what are we doing wrong? toward CRANBURY. RUTH also pulls out a dagger and follows 5 Shouldn’t you be terrified? 5 hesitantly.) Take this, you plebian! CHARLES: Are you joking? (Gestures at BECKY writing on her tablet, CRANBURY: What is this violence? Alas, my death draws near! (VIVIAN HESTER cowering behind a barrel, and MORRIS facing the complete leaps in front of CRANBURY and grabs ALAN’S arm.) opposite direction.) Look, I know a few things about pirates, and VIVIAN: No! Away, vile fiend! you lot wouldn’t fool anyone. LAVINIA: Finally, some action. 10 AGNES: You’ve run into pirates before? 10 ALAN: But… uh, Brutus. I thought… I thought you were with us? CHARLES: Um, well, yeah. A couple of times. VIVIAN: Ha! Never, you assassin! I merely led you to believe I was part ALAN: What were they like? of your conspiracy, but in reality I was a double agent. I stand with HESTER: Were they horrible and fearsome? Caesar and will prevent his untimely death! Take this! (Draws her CHARLES: It depends, I guess. own dagger and stabs ALAN.) 15 ALAN: (Stands, unsure what to do for a few moments.) Aagh. Ouch. 15 VIVIAN: Who was their captain? Oooh. (Awkwardly dies.) CHARLES: Oh, one of ’em was a nasty piece of work. You ever hear of Murdock the Murderer? (OTHERS gasp.) CRANBURY: Thatch—I mean, Brutus, what are you doing? CRANBURY: He is known to us, yes. You… you were attacked VIVIAN: Defending you, great Caesar! (Stabs RUTH, who shrugs as by Murdock? she also awkwardly and quietly dies.) And so Brutus shall be 20 known as the hero of Rome! The savior of Julius Caesar! Let the 20 CHARLES: Yeah, yeah. Brutal. Vicious. He leaves no one alive, chanters cry it, and the bards sing it. And Rome shall enter a you see. golden age! (There is a long pause as VIVIAN stands triumphant, JAN: Why aren’t you dead, then? and ALL OTHERS are confused.) CHARLES: Uh, well, I escaped. Anyway, my ship’s already getting low AGNES: (Steps to CRANBURY.) Stop. Brutus! I now arrest you for in the water. I don’t suppose you have anyone who could help fix 25 murdering. Our great dictator. Julius Caesar! 25 it? There’s some precious cargo in there, and I really can’t lose it. BECKY: (Without emotion.) Father, no. (Elbows GALFRED.) CRANBURY: To me, men. (The CREW huddles DOWN LEFT. MORRIS GALFRED: (Snaps out of it.) Oh, right. Father, no! I faces out of the huddle.) This is it, me hearties. Our first plunder! VIVIAN: You are all mistaken. I, Brutus, have just saved the life of JAN: Come, now, he’s just a defenseless sailor who needs help. Julius Caesar! VIVIAN: Exactly! Ripe for the picking! He said he had precious cargo! 30 AGNES: But that was my next line. 30 Maybe it’s treasure! VIVIAN: I don’t know what you mean, centurion. GALFRED: It’s not treasure. People don’t actually cart around gold coins and precious gems like in the stories. MORRIS: Don’t I gets murdered too? Defending the emperor? AGNES: (To CHARLES.) Hey, what kind of cargo is it? VIVIAN: Why, no, good soldier. You have done your duty as well as I have. Caesar is safe. (To CRANBURY.) Dear friend, do you not have CHARLES: Treasure, actually. Gold coins, precious gems, that sort of 35 anything to say? I have saved your life from these conspirators. 35 thing. That’s why I really need help patching up the ship. I’m sure I hesitate to compare myself to the heroes of legend, but this is glad you’re not real pirates. truly a momentous occasion. The least you can do is— CRANBURY: (Resumes their huddle.) We’ll show him! We will take FREDERICA: (Stands suddenly.) Enough! (There is a shocked the treasure, make Charles our prisoner, and then we will truly silence. RUTH and ALAN sit up.) I am insulted that you would be pirates! 40 subject me to such nonsense and call it theatre! I refuse to sit 40 JAN: Sir, I thought we were just out here to get the experience. here another minute.

30 19 For preview only 1 VIVIAN: Yes, a decision lies before me that tears my heart in two. And 1 CRANBURY: And this is exactly the experience we need! yet… Is the decision so hard? If I prove disloyal, the name Brutus JAN: But, sir… will forever equate with “traitor,” “backstabber.” No, Caesar. I CRANBURY: (Breaks the huddle.) Men, seize this scallywag and take believe that I would rather be remembered as an honest man. the treasure! Arr! 5 Maybe even… a hero. 5 CREW: Arr! (RUTH timidly approaches CHARLES and holds lightly onto CRANBURY: You must… fulfill your destiny, Brutus. I’m sure you will his arm. ALAN and AGNES tie off a rope or take rope from a winch do the right thing. and throw it OFF RIGHT, and then EXIT RIGHT using the rope, as if VIVIAN: Yes, Caesar. You are ever so wise, as always. boarding Charles’ ship OFFSTAGE.) AGNES: Great, Caesar. The senators wish to speak. To you. On the CHARLES: Oh, you really don’t want to do that. You see— 10 matter of. A pardon. 10 VIVIAN: Silence, knave! We may be new to piracy, but we are quick CRANBURY: As I have been proclaimed dictator, it is right that learners, and we’re not going to pass up such an easy prize as they come to me, for I alone have the power to grant them this. this! (ALAN and AGNES haul a treasure chest ON RIGHT.) However, I am noble and will not play favorites. Come Gaius and CHARLES: Okay, but it might not be as easy as you think. There will Sutonius. What request have you? be repercussions. 15 RUTH: (Speaks quietly.) We wish for you to end the exile of Publius 15 AGNES: It’s heavy! Cimber, who was unjustly sent from our lands three years ago. ALAN: Sure feels like treasure! (AGNES and ALAN shake the chest and JOANNA: (Annoyed.) Oh, not him again. it jingles.) LAVINIA: Speak up! HESTER: Sounds like treasure! (GALFRED opens up the chest. MORRIS RUTH: (No louder.) We wish for you to end the exile of Publius Cimber— feels his way over, takes out a coin, and puts it in his mouth.) 20 LAVINIA: What?! 20 MORRIS: (With his mouth full.) Tastes like treasure too! ALAN: (Shouts.) The exile of Publius Cimber—you must end it! CRANBURY: We have the treasure! Well done, me hearties! There. (Dabs.) CREW: Arr! CRANBURY: This I cannot do. The sentence is clear. (To VIVIAN.) VIVIAN: Take him below and throw him in with the lubber with Though he may be a brother of yours, I cannot bend justice Hogsbottom. 25 for any man, even if this upsets you and provokes you to rash 25 CHARLES: Don’t say I didn’t warn you. (ALAN seizes him from RUTH.) actions! (Opens his arms wide and hangs his head, ready for his murder scene.) CRANBURY: (To HESTER.) Jolly Roger, go on and sing us a song to mark the occasion! VIVIAN: Well said, Caesar. I agree with you and stand by your decision. HESTER: What now? I… I don’t know any. I haven’t practiced. CRANBURY: Uh… are you sure, Brutus? Does this not make your 30 blood boil? CRANBURY: Just sing whatever your heart tells you, man! VIVIAN: I stand with you, Caesar. You are just and reasonable. 30 HESTER: Uh… (Sings.) This little light of mine, I’m going to let it shine. This little light of mine, I’m going to let it… CRANBURY: But… Brutus. You were ever a… a champion for Cimber’s cause. And I, Julius Caesar, have… have used my power as CREW: (Join in, singing.) …shine. This little light of mine… (A bit dictator to… deny you even such a simple request. I’m sure you louder.) I’m going to let it shine. (Loud.) Let it shine! Let it shine! 35 must be very upset. Upset enough to do something truly terrible to Let it shine! This little light of mine, I’m going to let it shine… me! (Again opens his arms to be murdered.) 35 (CHARLES shakes his head as he is pulled OFF UP LEFT by AGNES and ALAN. LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.) VIVIAN: I wouldn’t dream of it, Caesar. I am ever your loyal friend. End of Scene One CRANBURY: (Sotto voce.) This is where you murder me, you idiot! My big death scene! 40 VIVIAN: (Sotto voce.) Just play along.

18 31 For preview only ACT TWO 1 CRANBURY: That gives me such peace of mind. Not that I expect Scene Two anything to happen to me! I am Julius Caesar, after all. Everyone adores me, their leader! 1 LIGHTS UP on the deck of the Fourth Wall, days later. JAN is at MORRIS: ’Course nothing’s gonna happen to yous, oh, great Caesar! the helm, looking less busy than usual. GALFRED, HESTER, ALAN, 5 I’m here to protects ya, ain’t I? (To SPECTATORS.) Actually, MORRIS, RUTH, and BECKY mill around, laying on deck or looking out something really bad’s gonna happen pretty soon, but I’m sures to sea. REAGAN sits behind a barrel with only her legs visible. The ya know that. 5 OTHERS do not see her. CRANBURY: (Tries to cover.) Ha! I’m… sure I don’t know what you are CREW: (Sing bored and slow.) This little light of mine… I’m going to talking about, lowly soldier. Son! Please take your sister to the let it shine… 10 gallery while I conduct my business. (GALFRED doesn’t respond.) ALAN: We’ve been out here for days. When is there going to be AGNES: Psst, Galfred! another ship to plunder? GALFRED: Oh, right. Uh… line? 10 GALFRED: Let’s just ask our lookout. Hey, there, Morris! What’s out DIRK: (Pokes his head ON RIGHT. Stage whispers.) Yes, father. there today? (MORRIS stands up and looks into the distance OFF over the AUDIENCE with a hand shading his exposed eye. He still GALFRED: What? wears an eyepatch over his good eye. ALAN stands up and gets 15 DIRK: Yes, father! (EXITS.) right in front of him, making faces.) GALFRED: Yes, father. (BECKY cringes at GALFRED’S touch as he 15 MORRIS: Nothing yet, Buckles! And the name’s Crow’s Nest takes her arm to lead her aside.) Johnny, remembers? CRANBURY: (To RUTH and ALAN.) Ah, senators. I am so glad you GALFRED: (Points up.) Shouldn’t you be up there, then? could all come. But where is Brutus, my most reliable and loyal BECKY: (Sighs.) Who knew life as a pirate could be so boring? Time 20 friend, whom I trust beyond anyone else and who would never do has literally stopped. me harm? 20 DIRK: (From OFF LEFT.) You mean figuratively! VIVIAN: (ENTERS RIGHT. She eyes FREDERICA often and fawns over her during the performance.) Here I am, my friend. On this day, BECKY: Be quiet down there! Prisoners aren’t supposed to talk, let we celebrate you, O Caesar, for your genius in battle and your alone correct grammar. 25 steadfast leadership. May you live forever! DIRK: (From OFF LEFT.) It’s not grammar. It’s that you’re literally using CRANBURY: Ah, dear Brutus. I can rely on you above all others. the wrong word! VIVIAN: More than you know, dear Caesar. 25 ALAN: Don’t make us come down there! CRANBURY: Hmmm? DIRK: (From OFF LEFT.) Be my guest! I’d gladly trade! At least you’re out in fresh air! VIVIAN: To tell you the truth, I have been troubled of late. My loyalty 30 has been put to the test in ways I fear to disclose to you. BECKY: (Sniffs at HESTER.) Ugh. I wouldn’t call it fresh, exactly. CRANBURY: (Sotto voce.) What are you doing, Thatcher? This is not HESTER: Oh, my. Oh, dear. Well… it’s not like you’re any better. in the script! 30 RUTH: (Quietly.) I’m sure we’d all take baths if we could. Or eat VIVIAN: (Sotto voce.) I’m just improvising a little. something besides hard tack. CRANBURY: We discussed this! GALFRED: You can say that again, Aver—er, Blackbeard. 35 VIVIAN: All great actors know that to truly become the character, one RUTH: (Surprisingly louder.) I’m sure we’d all take baths— must live in the moment, not follow a simple script! GALFRED: No, you don’t have to… I just meant that I agree. CRANBURY: Do not disrupt our performance for your own sake, Thatcher. 35 RUTH: Oh. VIVIAN: It is for the sake of the play, m’lord. Now keep up. AGNES: (ENTERS LEFT with CRANBURY.) See, Captain? They’re just CRANBURY: Thatcher! (As VIVIAN continues, DIRK pokes his head ON lying around not doing anything again. 40 RIGHT, paging through a script, confused and increasingly frantic.)

32 17 For preview only 1 They’re always like… (Mimics a sheep.) Baa-aaa. Baa-aaa. 1 CRANBURY: Look lively, me hearties! Batten down the hatches! Take (Laughs.) Plebians. her up to full sail! Bring a spring upon her cable! AGNES: Ah, the noble senators Sutonius and Gaius. It is good to JAN: (Enthusiastically.) Aye-aye, Captain! see you. Please. Let my fellow centurion. Show you to your seats. CRANBURY: Not you, cabin boy! You should be swabbin’ the deck. 5 (HESTER freezes up again. AGNES gives her a friendly shove, but 5 (JAN slumps and grabs a mop.) Come on, men! I just gave orders! she doesn’t respond. Awkward pause.) HESTER: But I don’t know what any of that meant. ALAN: It’s okay. I think we can find our own way there. (Glances at GALFRED: I don’t think he even knows what any of that meant. SPECTATORS.) As long as we don’t let any plebians get in our way. CRANBURY: I know that none of it involves lying around like scallywags. Baa-aaa. Baa-aaa. (Laughs.) Come on. Rise and shine! Let’s go! (NONE move except JAN, who 10 SUSAN: It was funny the first time. 10 mops lazily.) ALAN: Oh. Well, how about some Latin, then? As longus asus weus JAN: Maybe if you gave an actual heading, sir. don’tus— CRANBURY: Right. How about three hundred and sixty degrees to CRANBURY: (ENTERS RIGHT with BECKY and GALFRED.) Welcome. starboard! Have at it! (NONE move.) Welcome to you all. It is I, Julius Caesar, your noble dictator. JAN: That would put us on the exact same course, Captain. 15 AGNES: Hail, Caesar! 15 CRANBURY: Oh, fine. That way, then. (Points DOWN LEFT.) ALAN/HESTER/MORRIS: Hail, Caesar! ALAN: But, why, sir? Don’t you have an actual destination? We’ve got RUTH: (Quietly.) Hail, Caesar. to be heading somewhere, or… or we’re just heading nowhere. CRANBURY: I hope you do not mind, but I have brought my children Oh, that’s good. I’m going to use that in the actual play! to our meeting today. I present my son, Caesarion… (Gestures to CRANBURY: How am I supposed to know where to go? I don’t hear 20 GALFRED.) …and this is my daughter, Julia. (Gestures to BECKY.) 20 any of you offering suggestions. BECKY: (Calls OFF RIGHT.) Seriously, Dirk? You named Julius Caesar’s REAGAN: (Rises from behind a barrel.) How about that way, sir? (Points kids Julia and Caesarion? Couldn’t you think of better names? UP RIGHT.) (DIRK pokes his head ON RIGHT.) CRANBURY: Finally. Thank you, um… What was your character’s DIRK: I didn’t make that up. Those were really their names! Read a name again? 25 book now and again, boy! (EXITS.) 25 REAGAN: Reagan. BECKY: Pshh, not likely. CRANBURY: Reagan. Reagan? Doesn’t sound very piratey, though. CRANBURY: (To GALFRED.) My dear son, if anything should happen to Did we settle on that? me, you will be crowned dictator in my place. REAGAN: It should sound piratey. BECKY: Lucky you, brother. (To SPECTATORS.) He’s not my real, CRANBURY: (Finally realizes something is amiss, takes a mental 30 brother, just so you know. 30 count of his crew, and is puzzled.) Thatcher, is that you? Is this CRANBURY: Can you give me reassurance that you will be a good a new character? dictator, as I have been, Caesarion? (GALFRED isn’t paying REAGAN: Afraid not. attention.) I say, son, can you give me reassurance that you will be a good dictator, as I have been? Caesarion? CRANBURY: Then who are you? 35 BECKY: Galfred, wake up. REAGAN: I told you already. Reagan. GALFRED: Oh. Uh… line? 35 CRANBURY: No, who are you? DIRK: (Pokes his head ON RIGHT. Stage whispers.) Yes, father. REAGAN: Ah, a much better question. Who do you think I am? GALFRED: What? CRANBURY: (To OTHERS.) Where did he come from? DIRK: Yes, father! REAGAN: That’s another excellent question. You really are a sharp bunch. How did I arrive here? Perhaps another good question 40 GALFRED: Yes, father. (DIRK EXITS.) 40 would be, how long have I been here?

16 33 For preview only 1 CRANBURY: How… (Clears his throat.) How long have you been here? 1 emperor, yet, but he’s aiming to be, ya follow? Now the Senates, REAGAN: Quite a while, actually. No one noticed me, which I thought they don’t cares for that—not a pinch. So, I’m a soldier and I at first was due to my superb stealth and quick thinking, but I defends What’s-His-Face when they tries to kill him in a bit. It’s soon realized it was because you’re all a bunch of… well… idiots gonna be a row, that’s for certain! 5 seems like such an offensive term, but I really can’t think of a 5 DIRK: (Pokes his head ON RIGHT.) Morris! You’re not supposed to tell better word here. My apologies. them that. AGNES: Listen, matey! SUSAN: It’s all right, dear. We don’t understand him anyhow. REAGAN: Ha! “Matey.” Ah, I never get tired of it. Ahem. Yes, go on. DIRK: (ENTERS fully and steps onto the stage.) Sorry, all of you, terribly AGNES: I… Well… sorry. What he meant to say was… 10 CRANBURY: I’m the captain o’ this here ship. And I demands to know 10 “In the days of yore, long before hence, how ye got on board! When Rome was new, it didst just commence—” REAGAN: Oh, right. I just rowed up in that skiff tied astern… (Gestures FREDERICA: Oh, that’s just awful verse. UP RIGHT. The CREW looks everywhere but UP RIGHT.) The stern is DIRK: I… I wasn’t done! Look, we’re just trying to get the play going. the back of the ship. (The CREW rushes UP RIGHT to see.) LAVINIA: Just get on with it, then! We don’t need all this prologue. 15 GALFRED: You mean to say you were just rowing about in the ocean 15 DIRK: But you must understand the context of what you’re about to and happened upon us? see. Otherwise… Here, just let me tell it. REAGAN: Oh, no. No, no, no. I tracked you for about three or four days “In the days of yore, long before hence—” on my schooner, the Black Flag. JOANNA: I liked the fellow with the eyepatch better. Let him tell it! HESTER: Black Flag? That’s an odd name. Sounds like a pirate ship. VALOIS: Ees thees ’ow eet works ’ere? Anyone can just interrupt 20 REAGAN: Does it? Yes, I suppose it does. That’s because it is. (CREW 20 ze play? stands dumbfounded.) A pirate ship. DIRK: In the days of yore— BECKY: You’re a pirate. LAVINIA: Start the play! Start the play! Start the play! (OTHERS join in, REAGAN: Indeed. including MORRIS. DIRK EXITS RIGHT, clearly agitated.) ALAN: But you… you don’t sound like a pirate. AGNES: (ENTERS RIGHT with HESTER. AGNES gestures woodenly and 25 REAGAN: Oh, I’m quite well educated. Went to Cambridge, you know. 25 awkwardly breaks up her lines throughout.) Hear ye! Hear ye! All AGNES: And you don’t look like a pirate, neither. rise for. The entrance of the Roman Senate! REAGAN: Hmmm… I wasn’t aware there was a dress code for piracy. HESTER: I now present… I now… I… (Freezes up.) CRANBURY: Wait, wait. You tracked us in a schooner. Why have we AGNES: (Stage whispers.) C’mon, Templeton. You’ve got this. not seen this schooner sooner? RUTH: (ENTERS RIGHT with ALAN. Talks quietly.) I, the Roman senator, 30 Sutonius, do think that Julius Caesar must be stopped at all costs. 30 REAGAN: Well, for one, it would help if you had a lookout. Even if that means we stoop to the unthinkable and— CRANBURY: Ha! We do have a lookout. (Points to MORRIS, who faces away from the action.) Crow’s Nest Johnny there. JOANNA: Can’t hear you, love! REAGAN: And why is Johnny not in the crow’s nest? Ever? RUTH: (No louder.) The unthinkable and rid the world of him once and for all. If only Brutus— MORRIS: I ain’t goin’ up there! Are ye daft? 35 FREDERICA: What is she saying? 35 CRANBURY: Well, somebody get up there! RUTH: (No louder.) If only Brutus— CREW: Ah… um… LAVINIA: What? MORRIS: Are ye daft? RUTH: (No louder.) If only— REAGAN: Yeah, pretty easy for a small skiff to sneak up on you, then. Say, on a foggy morning. ALAN: (Shouts pointedly at the SPECTATORS.) If only Brutus were 40 to join us, then the plebians would respect us! Those plebians!

34 15 For preview only 1 JAN: Shouldn’t you just do it the way we rehearsed? If the others are 1 AGNES: Hey, it was foggy yesterday morning! I bet that is when he thrown off by— snuck up on us. VIVIAN: Just start the play. Start the play! (Rushes OFF RIGHT.) REAGAN: (Pauses, then slowly nods.) I thought I pretty much revealed JAN: (Climbs onto the stage. Timid.) We… we are ready to begin. If that, yes. 5 everyone could quiet down… (Nobody notices her.) 5 JAN: Why didn’t you just bring the whole ship at us, then? VALOIS: Zere ees a perfectly good play about Caesar by Shakespeare. REAGAN: Ah, the intelligent one. I like you. Best question so far. Why are we not watching zat one? Hmmm… Well, I suppose I could have, at that. But you see, it’s JASPER: I dunno, Captain. not usually a good idea to attack a much larger and better-armed FREDERICA: I’ve never heard of this Dirk Patrick fellow, either. vessel. Had I known it was crewed by the likes of you, I would have 10 been much more confident. (Holds up a mirror and reflects light, 10 JOANNA: Don’t you worry. This is going to knock your socks off. signaling OFF.) Stockings? Pantyhose? What do you fine ladies wear under all that? (Starts to lift FREDERICA’S dress, but FREDERICA slaps her CRANBURY: What is that? What are you doing? away, scowling.) REAGAN: Oh, this? I’m using this mirror to signal my ship. I JAN: (Still timid.) Quiet, please, everyone… expect they shall be here within the hour, and then my crew 15 will capture the Fourth Wall, loot the hold, imprison all of you to 15 LAVINIA: Yeah, let’s tell ’em we want some Shakespeare! This isn’t be sold at the slave market, and… Oh, I’m sure I’m forgetting going to be any good. something. (Ticks her fingers.)Capture the ship. Raid the cargo SUSAN: Well, you don’t know if it’s any good until you see it, Lavinia. hold. Imprison the crew… JAN: (Timid.) Please, if you could… CRANBURY: Ha! You can forget that. You’ve just told us your whole JOANNA: (Notices JAN and shouts.) Cut the cackle and button your 20 plan! We’ll be ready for you now. 20 lips, the lot of ya! (OTHERS fall silent. To JAN.) See, dear, that’s REAGAN: Will you? Oh, that would be quite impressive. Especially how you do it. since I’ve sabotaged your cannons, plugged up the loopholes, and JAN: Ladies and gentlemen, please enjoy the following production cut the rigging to the masts. of The Death of Caesar. (Looks OFFSTAGE and applauds, but only CRANBURY: What…? But… how? SUSAN joins her.) 25 REAGAN: No, I’m afraid your only option now is to surrender. You see, 25 MORRIS: (ENTERS RIGHT, wearing an eyepatch, and pulls JAN aside.) my crew actually knows what they’re doing. Being actual pirates, What was I supposed to do here again, girl? they won’t hesitate to do… (Draws her sword.) …nasty things to JAN: You’re the opening chorus. you in order to capture this ship. No one wants that, do they? MORRIS: Right. And what’s that? CRANBURY: We’ll fight to the last man! JAN: Didn’t Dirk explain it to you? 30 CREW: We’ll…! Uh… 30 MORRIS: Eh, probably. MORRIS: Are ye daft? JAN: You set the scene. Deliver the prologue. CRANBURY: Is there no one who will defend our ship against MORRIS: I thoughts I were a soldier, love. this usurper? JAN: Yes, later you’re a soldier. Now, you’re the chorus. VIVIAN: (ENTERS LEFT with a sword in hand.) Finally, you give me a LAVINIA: (Blurts out.) Has it started yet? Is this the play? 35 proper entrance! 35 JAN: Do you understand, Morris? I’m not even supposed to be on CRANBURY: Thatcher! (The CREW applauds.) stage right now. VIVIAN: (To REAGAN.) This is where you surrender. MORRIS: All rights, all rights. Set the scene, I can do that. (JAN REAGAN: (Amused.) And why would I do that? EXITS RIGHT. MORRIS takes the stage.) Right. So’s you’re all in VIVIAN: I’m no stranger to a good swordfight. You underestimate me, Rome, ya sees. The emperor… What’s-His-Face is abouts to talk 40 and that will be your downfall. 40 to all the Senates and what-have-yas. Oh, I guess he’s not the

14 35 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 REAGAN: I was just about to say the same thing. (Attacks. The 1 FREDERICA: Highly unlikely. following dialogue continues as they fight.) VALOIS: But ze English théâtre, eet ees so esteemed! Weeth your VIVIAN: Didn’t expect that, did you? Shakespeare, and your Ben Johnson, and your John Webster. (To REAGAN: That’s exactly what I expected, actually. You’ve been trained JOANNA.) Ees zis play by one of zem? 5 for stage combat. 5 JOANNA: Uh… probably! Robert, do you know who wrote this play? VIVIAN: Extensively trained. ROBERT: My sweet chickie-poo, I haven’t the faintest. REAGAN: I can tell! If this were a play, I might be frightened. JOANNA: You let them set this up, and you don’t even know what VIVIAN: I seem to be doing well enough. play it is? REAGAN: That’s because I’ve been fighting fair… until now. ROBERT: I’ll go find out, my darling. (Meanders OFF RIGHT.) 10 VIVIAN: “Until now”? What do you mean? 10 JOANNA: (Eagerly, to VALOIS.) He’s finding out. REAGAN: My men have arrived. Take him, boys. CRANBURY: (From OFF RIGHT.) Get out, you imbecile! Players and VIVIAN: What? (Spins around to defend herself from attackers who crew only! are not there. REAGAN places the tip of her sword against VIVIAN’S ROBERT: (Rushes ON RIGHT. JAN follows him ON, but he doesn’t see.) back. VIVIAN drops her weapon. The CREW groans in disappointed.) About the play… Well, I can’t say for sure, my love. 15 REAGAN: Oldest. Trick. In the book. 15 JAN: Sir? VIVIAN: Ugh! ROBERT: (Startled.) Bwaah! REAGAN: Now, for some reason, your prison is already somewhat full, JAN: Can I help you? so if you could all line up, I’ll just bind you up here on the deck until ROBERT: I dunno, can you? my crew arrives. (ALL but CRANBURY line up, looking ashamed. To SUSAN: We want to know what play it is! 20 CRANBURY.) You’ll need to surrender your sword, Captain. 20 JAN: The Death of Caesar. CRANBURY: I refuse to give up so easily. We are many. You are but FREDERICA: Ah, it is Shakespeare after all. (To VALOIS.) You’re in for one man. a treat, my dear Cap— REAGAN: Wrong again, Captain Vile. (Takes off her hat to reveal long JAN: Sorry to interrupt, but it is not Shakespeare’s play. hair.) I’m no man at all. JOANNA: Who wrote it, then? 25 CRANBURY: Aha! I knew you couldn’t be a pirate! You’re a woman! 25 SUSAN: Dirk Patrick, ma’am. REAGAN: Oh, well, I didn’t realize there was a rule against that. VALOIS: Ees he… famous ’ere? CRANBURY: There most certainly is! One must consider propriety! LAVINIA: Never heard of him. (JOANNA smacks her.) Ow! REAGAN: Oh, yes, of course. Everyone knows that pirates are sticklers JOANNA: Sure you have, Lavinia. Everyone knows… knows… for rules and propriety. No, I am, in fact, a woman—and a pirate. JAN: Dirk Patrick. 30 JAN: That’s— 30 JOANNA: Yes, Dirk Patrick! ’Course you know him. (To VALOIS.) We’ve CRANBURY: Absurd! got the very best here at our inn, I can assure you. JAN: Fascinating. VIVIAN: (ENTERS RIGHT and pulls JAN aside. OTHERS continue to REAGAN: (To JAN.) You think so? Hmmm… Now I’m not one to press- quietly converse.) Jan! That’s her! Frederica Gallant! She’s gang, but you… I might offer you a place on my crew. actually here! 35 JAN: Me? Oh, no. I could never— 35 JAN: Uh, right. Splendid. REAGAN: Why not? You know your way around a ship. You’ve got VIVIAN: Oh, I am going to give it my all tonight! If the rest of those intelligence, courage, and absolutely no reason to remain with idiots mess up, it will just make me look that much better. And I these jesters. have a plan. She will be amazed at my ingenuity. I just hope the CRANBURY: Jan would never join you. She is loyal to the end. rest of those idiots can keep up. 40 REAGAN: (Shrugs.) Perhaps. Just another admirable quality, then. 36 13 For preview only 1 JASPER: (Weeps.) Please, ma’am! I’m sorry! 1 CRANBURY: She would never want to become a pirate. You, madam, SUSAN: It’s really okay! are an anomaly. VALOIS: You call zat begging? Kiss her feet! Beg like your life depends REAGAN: Actually, many in my crew are women. on eet! CRANBURY: For the last time, women are as ill-suited to piracy as 5 JASPER: (Clings to SUSAN’S feet and kisses them. JOANNA ENTERS 5 they are to acting. You’re being ridiculous! UP LEFT from the inn with a tray of mugs and stops short.) Sooorry! HESTER: It’s not that ridiculous. SUSAN: I forgive you! I forgive you! (JAN is shocked and EXITS RIGHT.) ALAN: Oh, come on, Templeton! Not you, too. JOANNA: (Crosses CENTER, unsure.) Who’s thirsty? (ROBERT raises a BECKY: Women are totally capable. It’s just that no one gives them hand but is ignored.) the chance. 10 VALOIS: (Soft-spoken again.) Jasper, get up. Get a ’old of yourself. Zees 10 CRANBURY: There’s never been a female actor before. How would woman has shown mercy to you. You shall not forget eet, no? you know? JASPER: No, sir. Absolutely not, Captain. VIVIAN: That’s because men are afraid that women would act them FREDERICA: (ENTERS LEFT.) Excuse me, is there a play being right off the stage. performed here? ALAN: “Off the stage” in laughter! What a hysterical notion! (The 15 JOANNA: Why, yes, your ladyship! We have some great seats in front 15 CREW argues.) here. (Kicks LAVINIA.) Move it, you shrew! RUTH: (Hollers.) Enough! (Removes her hat defiantly.)My name is LAVINIA: Oy! (Moves back a row with SUSAN to make room for VALOIS Ruth. (MEN are astounded. BECKY does the same, then AGNES and FREDERICA.) and HESTER. MEN gasp. REAGAN looks pleased.) FREDERICA: Thank you. (Sits.) Ah, Capitaine Jean-François De La BECKY: I’m Becky. 20 Haute-Valois! A pleasure to find you here! 20 AGNES: My name’s Agnes. (Pause.) VALOIS: (Bows.) Ah, Madame Gallant! A surprise to see you ’ere as HESTER: And I’m Hester. well. I was doubteeng zis play before, but if you are ’ere… (Sits MORRIS: What’s goin’ on? next to FREDERICA. JASPER stands by.) ALAN/CRANBURY: Ladies? FREDERICA: Well, we shall see. There is one actor who is apparently MORRIS: I told ye! Didn’t I tell ye? “Thatcher’s a woman,” I said. (ALL 25 quite the rising star. Victor Thatcher? (Sees JOANNA’S tray.) Is one 25 turn slowly to look at VIVIAN.) for me? CRANBURY: Thatcher… surely not… (VIVIAN pulls off her hat and JOANNA: Sure, sure. Would you also care for a pillow? Perhaps a shakes out her hair. CRANBURY, ALAN, and GALFRED faint.) footstool? Only a small extra charge. (FREDERICA takes a mug and MORRIS: What happened now? turns back to VALOIS, ignoring JOANNA, who finishes distributing 30 mugs and puts the tray behind the benches.) JAN: They fainted. VALOIS: (To FREDERICA.) I am certain eet will be magnifique. Alzough 30 MORRIS: Why? Just because Thatcher’s a woman? your country has many, many faults, eet is famous for eets théâtre. VIVIAN: No, because we’re all women. And proud of it. FREDERICA: Well, this might not be quite so renowned. But one MORRIS: All women? Everyone’s a woman except me? (Faints.) remains hopeful. REAGAN: Well, that will make it a lot easier to tie them up and thrown 35 VALOIS: In France, we ’ave actors who are so good, zey can make them in the brig. Good work! I assume you’re all joining my crew, you weep weeth a single word. Zey can make you laugh weeth one 35 then? (RUTH, VIVIAN, JAN, BECKY, AGNES, and HESTER look at each raised eyebrow. Zey can stir such emotion, your ’eart feels like eet other uncertainly. They nod slowly to each other as if in agreement weel be reeped from your chest. and turn to REAGAN.) FREDERICA: Ah, yes, we have actors of such talent here in England, RUTH/VIVIAN/JAN/BECKY/HESTER/AGNES: Arr! 40 but in a traveling company such as this, it is… REAGAN: Oh. We… don’t actually say that. VALOIS: Yes?

12 37 For preview only 1 RUTH/VIVIAN/JAN/BECKY/HESTER/AGNES: (Ad-lib.) Oh. Sorry. 1 LAVINIA: Dear, I’m sure he’s got more important things to do than— Oops. I didn’t mean— (VALOIS and JASPER ENTER UP LEFT from the inn.) REAGAN: But I think this occasion calls for an exception. ROBERT: There he is! ALL WOMEN: Arr! (LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.) LAVINIA: Huh. What do you know? End of Scene Two 5 SUSAN: Oh, my. Handsome fella, ain’t he? Lavinia, go and see if he wants to sit by us. ACT TWO LAVINIA: He can sit where he wants, Susan. Scene Three SUSAN: Oy! Captain! There are seats over here! 5 LIGHTS UP on the deck of the Fourth Wall, a short time later. KELLY, VALOIS: (Approaches with JASPER. To ROBERT.) Ah, ze owner of FRANK, JACKIE, and CHANCE are counting and sorting gold from the 10 zis établissement. I ’ave decided to observe your seely leetle treasure chest. country’s théâtre. KELLY: Nice haul they got here. They can’t be such bad pirates if they SUSAN: (To LAVINIA.) Oh, so civilized! (To VALOIS.) I’ve heard so much managed to get this. about you, Mr. Valois! 10 JACKIE: I’ve never seen so much money all in one place! JASPER: That’s Captain to you! FRANK: Nah, they’re not pirates at all. They’re actors, see. 15 VALOIS: Jasper! ’Ave you no manners! ’Ow dare you speak to zis CHANCE: That’s what Captain O’Flynn said. woman weeth disrespect! KELLY: Is this some sort of theatre ship? SUSAN: Oh, it was nothing, Captain. CHANCE: Captain said they’re seeing what it’s like to be pirates for VALOIS: (To JASPER.) Kneel, you swine! (JASPER quickly prostrates 15 a play. himself. JAN ENTERS RIGHT, concerned about the noise, and KELLY: Ah. You know, it makes less sense now that you explained it. 20 observes from afar.) You see, madame. I employ ze scum of ze earth because zat is ’oo we ’unt on ze ocean. I need men ’oo FRANK: This’ll make up for what Murdock took from us, anyway. are every beet as cruel and vicious as zose pirates. But it does JACKIE: We’re lucky we escaped with our lives! mean zat zey have some difficulty when zey come ashore and are CHANCE: I’m not even so worried about Murdock. We shook him off, expected to conduct zemselves with a leetle beet of propriety. 20 didn’t we? No, it’s this Haute-Valois that’s got me goin’. 25 All zey need is some… mild discipline sometimes. Just a leetle JACKIE: They say he’s sunk more ships than Murdock has, and he’s démonstration of ’ow to be respectable. hunting for pirates like us. (REAGAN, RUTH, VIVIAN, JAN, BECKY, SUSAN: Oh, all right. Mild discipline sounds fine. HESTER, and AGNES ENTER LEFT.) VALOIS: (Loudly berates JASPER.) What ’ave you to say for yourself? REAGAN: Avast, ye scallywags! Répondre! 25 KELLY: What’s that, Captain? 30 JASPER: I’m sorry, Captain! REAGAN: Oh… (Gestures to ACTORS.) …they’ve been teaching me VALOIS: Sorry to me? Why are you sorry to me? I deed not take some pirate phrases. It’s actually kind of fun. offense. Why do you apologize to me? Eet is to zis woman you CHANCE: Whatever you say, Captain. must apologize, swine! REAGAN: (To ACTORS.) So, you’ve got a chest full of treasure and two SUSAN: Oh, I’m fine. No need to— 30 prisoners. That all happened before I arrived, and it’s the biggest 35 JASPER: I’m sorry, ma’am! mystery I have yet to figure out. Chance, Kelly, why don’t you bring VALOIS: Are you sorry? I do not zink she can ’ear you! Your words the prisoners up here whilst our newest recruits regale me with sound empty to my ears! the tale of how a troupe of actors with absolutely no experience JASPER: (More forceful.) I’m sorry, ma’am! successfully pulled off an act of piracy? (CHANCE and KELLY EXIT 35 UP LEFT.) VALOIS: Zat is not good enough, swine! If you were sorry, you would 40 be begging! Beg for her forgeeveness! HESTER: I’m not even sure, actually. (Points.) I was hiding over there.

38 11 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only ACT ONE 1 JAN: I was busy trying to anchor the ship by myself without piercing Scene Two the hull. BECKY: I was texting Elsabeth. 1 LIGHTS UP on Brabbleton Square that afternoon. SUSAN, LAVINIA, REAGAN: Texting…? What’s…? Never mind. Here they are. (CHANCE ROBERT, and JOANNA sit with TOWNSPEOPLE on the benches facing 5 leads CHARLES and KELLY leads DIRK ON UP LEFT.) the stage. DIRK: Oh, the fresh air! The sunlight! Thank you, thank you! LAVINIA: (Groans.) When is it starting? REAGAN: They tell me your name is Albert… Hogsbottom? 5 SUSAN: Would you quit whining, Lavinia?! It will start when it starts, that’s when. DIRK: No, no, that’s just… I’m Dirk Patrick, a playwright. And these dummies threw me in the brig when I didn’t want to play along with JOANNA: P’raps something to quench your thirst while you wait? 10 their silly acting exercises. LAVINIA: Nah. I just spent my last few farthings on this ticket, now REAGAN: You know, a prisoner’s first tactic is always to deny their didn’t I? identity. “Oh, please! You have the wrong man!” 10 JOANNA: Nonsense, Lavinia. I know you’re good for it. DIRK: But it’s true. They’ll tell you! (Looks to ACTORS.) Oh, tell her, LAVINIA: All right, then. (JOANNA EXITS UP LEFT into the inn.) already! Wait… There’s something different about all of you. Did ROBERT: Did you hear that Murdock the Murderer struck again off the 15 you decide to alter your characters, or…? coast of Cornwall? VIVIAN: I think we should lock him back up. SUSAN: Oh, don’t talk about pirates! Especially that one. DIRK: You would say that! It was your idea to put me in there in the 15 LAVINIA: Last I heard, he sunk one of the duke’s galleons in the Bay first place! You’ve always had contempt for me and my craft. Were of Biscay. you not a woman, I would challenge you to a duel—Wait! You… ROBERT: Two galleons, I heard. 20 you are a woman. (Looks around.) And Templeton? And O’Sullivan? LAVINIA: They say that even other pirates are scared of Murdock. And Avery… I think I spent too long in my cell. Am I going mad? SUSAN: Well, he’ll be caught any day now that Haute-Valois is on VIVIAN: (Strides up to DIRK with a crazed look in her eyes.) I don’t 20 his trail. know, Dirk. Are you? LAVINIA: That wily captain may be a Frenchman, but he gets the job DIRK: (Stutters.) Put me back in. Put me back in! (Drags KELLY OFF done, he does. 25 UP LEFT.) ROBERT: Valois is staying at the inn, you know? REAGAN: (Gestures to CHARLES.) And who is this? Your costume SUSAN: Really! designer? The lighting technician, perhaps? CHARLES: Ah, Captain O’Flynn. You don’t remember me? (REAGAN 25 LAVINIA: Come on, Robert. gives him a suspicious look.) ROBERT: It’s true! 30 JAN: No. He was just a sailor whose ship was going down. The rest of LAVINIA: Why would he be staying at your lousy inn? the crew had abandoned him, and he had all this treasure aboard. ROBERT: It’s not lousy! Best inn this side of Kirkby Lane. That was our big pirate moment. LAVINIA: Only inn this side of Kirkby Lane. REAGAN: Treasure? Why would a mere sailor have treasure? And why 30 ROBERT: My point stands, then. do you look so familiar? (Realizes.) No… SUSAN: What’s he doing in Brabbleton? 35 FRANK: What is it, Captain? ROBERT: Says he’s… Oh, how did he put it? (In a French accent.) JACKIE: Wait. Isn’t he one of…? “Gazzering intelligawnce” on pirate activities in the area. See, the VIVIAN: Who is he? king’s granted him passage in our waters in the hopes he’ll take REAGAN: Throw him overboard. No. Wait. That might make 35 down Murdock. And any other pirates he finds. things worse. LAVINIA: ’Cept the pirates have gotten worse than ever! 40 CHARLES: Much worse. SUSAN: Do you think he’ll come watch the play?

10 39 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 REAGAN: Not if he never found out. 1 JAN: Of course, Mr. Thatcher. CHARLES: But you know he would. VIVIAN: You know, don’t let them convince you that you’ve nothing to JAN: Who is this man? look forward to besides raising a brood of children. I think you’ve REAGAN: You might be wondering why I am in need of new got a bright future. 5 5 crewmembers, and why my ship is in such a sorry state. Well, JAN: You do? it’s due to this man. Or, more precisely, the man he hails as VIVIAN: I’ve noticed all that you do around here. Oh, you’re modest, his captain. and that’s not a bad quality, but the way you run everything around CHANCE: (Widens eyes.) Sink me… here, from the advertising to the divvying of the shares—you’re the cornerstone of this enterprise. JACKIE: Not— 10 JAN: Thank you, Miss—Mister Thatcher. I didn’t think anyone notice— 10 REAGAN: Aye. He’s one of Murdock’s men. VIVIAN: And when Frederica chooses me to be the lead actor of the RUTH: Murdock?! renowned Gallant Players, I want you to come along with me. VIVIAN: No, you must be mistaken. He let us take him without a fight. JAN: (Awestruck.) I… I’m honored that you would think of me. I have He asked us for help. so much I could do for an established playhouse like that! REAGAN: He sails under Murdock’s flag. That ship he was on, it 15 VIVIAN: Playhouse? No, my dear, you are destined for a much higher 15 attacked us a few days ago. I remember his leering face. We got honor than that. away in the firefight, but only just barely. We must have damaged his ship. That’s why it was sinking. JAN: Oh? What did you have in mind? JAN: So his story was a lie. VIVIAN: My personal assistant! REAGAN: You’ve taken one of Murdock’s men hostage, and I took you JAN: (Sighs and gives a forced smile.) Oh. Yes, that would be… 20 20 hostage, which means I’m now responsible for him. VIVIAN: You didn’t know I thought so highly of you, did you? Look at you. You’re speechless. Yes, personal assistant to the top actor CHARLES: Not only that, but you’ve got his treasure as well. His best in the country. I tell you this so that you don’t get any funny ideas stuff, actually. And my mates know we’re around here somewhere. and settle down with some stable boy. You, my dear Jan, are Now, Murdock’s not one to show mercy on his best days. Imagine destined for greatness. what he’s going to do when he finds out what you’ve done. 25 JAN: As your personal assistant. 25 HESTER: Oh… what have we done? VIVIAN: (Grabs JAN by the shoulders and pulls her in, squealing CHARLES: Some of you may be lucky. He never harms women. It’s in excitement.) So let’s make this the best show of our lives! his only rule. (EXITS RIGHT.) JAN: What? JAN: Personal assistant. Stage sweeper. Wife. Is that all life has in CHARLES: But you… (Looks to FRANK and CHANCE.) Maybe he’ll tie 30 store for me? (LAVINIA ENTERS LEFT.) 30 you to the masts and let the sun slowly roast you. Or maybe he’ll Oh, hard is the fortune of all womankind. use you for target practice with the ship’s cannons. Or maybe— They’re always controlled, they’re always confined. REAGAN: (Walks up and knocks him unconscious with the butt of her Controlled by their parents until they are wives, sword.) I had enough of that, how about you? Then slaves to their husbands the rest of their lives. VIVIAN: What do we do with him now, Captain? 35 LAVINIA: Oy, has the play started yet? Was that verse? 35 FRANK: (Looks OFF RIGHT.) Uh, Captain? JAN: Uh, yes, it was. But no, ma’am, the play hasn’t started. Just BECKY: I like your idea of throwing him overboard. doing a bit of cleanup beforehand. JAN: We can’t do that! LAVINIA: Hmmm. Well, you missed a spot. REAGAN: He’s worth more alive than dead. He might be the only JAN: (Sighs.) Thank you, ma’am. (LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.) bargaining chip we have when Murdock finds us. End of Scene One 40 FRANK: Captain?

40 9 For preview only 1 BECKY: How’d you convince her to come? 1 REAGAN: Not now, Frank. CRANBURY: Oh, I can’t stand her. Either of them, actually. The RUTH: What if we hide him really well where Murdock can’t find him, Gallants think they’re such experts on theatre. Why on earth would and we say we found the treasure and want to give it back? you invite Frederica to the show? REAGAN: That might work. 5 VIVIAN: Many people think to impress Reginald, but it is Frederica 5 FRANK: Captain! Ship approaching! (ALL rush RIGHT to see.) who is the real brains in scouting out talent—and new hires. I have HESTER: It’s Murdock! heard from a very reliable source that they are searching for a new lead. None of you had better mess this up for me. BECKY: Seriously? I can’t even, right now. CRANBURY: But… but Thatcher! Are you saying you would leave our VIVIAN: It was a good life, albeit a short one. Alas, it is good that I 10 company for the Gallant Players? end it with you, my true friends. VIVIAN: Ugh, in a heartbeat. 10 REAGAN: Save the farewell speech. That’s not Murdock. CRANBURY: But you’re our best actor! JAN: It’s not? ALAN: Well, I don’t know about that. (AGNES, RUTH, BECKY, HESTER, REAGAN: It’s worse. GALFRED, and DIRK all say their next lines together.) VALOIS: (From OFF RIGHT.) Attention, unknown vessel! Zis is your one 15 AGNES: No, he is. and only warning! Prepare to be boarded! Do not reeseest. Your RUTH: No question. 15 sheep weel be searched. Any suspicious behavior weel be met weeth extreme force. BECKY: Who else? ALL: Haute-Valois. HESTER: He’s amazing! REAGAN: We’ve only got a couple of minutes—Wait, how do you know GALFRED: Are you kidding? Haute-Valois? 20 DIRK: The best. 20 VIVIAN: He came to one of our plays once. MORRIS: (Shakes his head.) He’s a woman! BECKY: Not a fan. VIVIAN: Aww, I love you all so much. My closest friends! The thought of leaving you… it… it strikes my very soul. You are all so dear to VIVIAN: He ridiculed us. Didn’t take us seriously at all. me. (Threatens.) But if you mess this up, I will smother you all in JAN: No, no he didn’t. (Beat.) I’ve got an idea! Captain O’Flynn, has 25 your sleep. I will haunt your families and your entire bloodline. Even Haute-Valois ever actually seen you or your crew? your pets will not be safe from my wrath! (ALL except CRANBURY 25 REAGAN: No, we only know him by reputation. applaud and nod approvingly.) JAN: Good. That’s good. Hester, get down below and release the men. CRANBURY: He just threatened— Why are you applauding? HESTER: What? Why? AGNES: He’s just so good, m’lord. BECKY: They’re not going to be much help in a fight. 30 VIVIAN: You’d better believe it. JAN: Just go. Hurry! (HESTER runs OFF UP LEFT.) Captain, have you JAN: M’lord, we’re nearing showtime. The audience will be arriving. 30 ever been in a play? CRANBURY: Right, well… Everyone look to the priming. We are going REAGAN: Me? No! Never. to put on the show of our lives. Not for the sake of Thatcher’s JAN: Perfect. You and your crew are going to fit right in. career, but for the nobility and honor and integrity of our craft. REAGAN: What do you mean? 35 VIVIAN: And because I’ll maim all of you if you make me look bad. CRANBURY: (ENTERS with ALAN, MORRIS, GALFRED, and HESTER.) (OTHERS laugh at first, but grow nervous at VIVIAN’S serious glare.) 35 What is the meaning of this? I am glad to be freed, but I was CRANBURY: He’s not going to… No one’s getting maimed. Let’s just having quite the nice repose just now. get backstage. Come along, come along. (ALL EXIT RIGHT except VIVIAN and JAN.) JAN: M’lord, Haute-Valois is about to board the ship. We have to show him what we’ve learned. We have to make him believe we 40 VIVIAN: Thanks for setting up my entrance, dove. You’re so good at are pirates! that. The perfect partner.

8 41 For preview only 1 CRANBURY: We do? 1 CRANBURY: Victor Thatcher, if you weren’t so good at acting—especially JAN: Yes… for the honor of English theatre! in female roles—I’d have fired you from the company long ago! GALFRED: What are you talking about? VIVIAN: Yes. Lucky for me, I suppose. CRANBURY: She’s right! We were not at our best when he saw us MORRIS: Sir, I’s got a—whatcha call it—theory about that! (OTHERS 5 last. But this time, we have learned Thatcher’s method of acting. 5 give an exasperated sigh. VIVIAN looks alarmed.) We will prove that English actors are the best in the world! CRANBURY: Oh, not the “Thatcher is actually a woman,” theory again. JAN: Yes! And you, Captain O’Flynn. Do you remember all the pirate MORRIS: I’s just sayin’— phrases that Thatch—I mean, Henry Nine-Fingers—taught you? CRANBURY: It’s preposterous, Morris! No one’s ever heard of a REAGAN: (Hesitant.) Yes… woman acting before. 10 JAN: Use them. Use them as if your life depended on it. Because 10 DIRK: It’s true. Not a one. it does. CRANBURY: A woman would never even want to act. They’re much REAGAN: I hope you know what you’re doing. too mild-mannered and delicate for a profession such as ours. JAN: I hope so, too. ALAN: ’Sides, everyone knows that men can play women better than CRANBURY: Come on, men. (WOMEN look back at him.) I said come women ever could. 15 on, men! (WOMEN hurriedly make themselves look male again.) 15 DIRK: Exactly. (VIVIAN, RUTH, HESTER, AGNES, and BECKY bristle ALAN: (Looks OFF RIGHT.) Now that’s a nice ship. Why’d you cheap noticeably, but say nothing.) out on ours, Cranbury? MORRIS: I’s only got one eye, but I reckons I sees better than the CRANBURY: Captain Vile, remember? lot a ya! ALAN: Oh, yeah. Right. GALFRED: Oh, do you now, Morris? 20 VIVIAN: He comes. 20 MORRIS: And I’ll tells ya somethin’ else… (Whispers loudly.) …I don’t VALOIS: (ENTERS RIGHT with JASPER and the rest of his CREW.) I am think Thatcher’s the only one, neither! Capitaine Jean-François De La Haute-Valois. I ’ave been geeven ALAN: Oh, come off it. a letter of marque to search every vessel in zees waters for AGNES: (Nervous.) What a laugh! suspicious behavior. And you, I must admeet, look very suspicious. CRANBURY: I assure you, Morris, that Jan, here, is the only woman in 25 JASPER: Identify yourselves! 25 our troupe. And is she not the model woman? Dutifully sweeping CRANBURY: (After an uncertain moment, resolutely steps forward.) the stage, mending our costumes, preparing our meals, and I be Captain Vile, commander of the Fourth Wall. Ye have no whatnot. Model woman. right to board me ship. Now off with ye, lest we send ye to Davy BECKY: You are so woke, sir. Jones’ Locker! CRANBURY: And someday she will marry a handsome lad and have 30 ALL: (Except VALOIS and his CREW.) Arr! 30 sons of her own. Then they can grow up to be actors. But she VALOIS: (Chuckles.) What… what ees zis? wouldn’t dream of being an actor herself. Come now, Vic Thatcher. VIVIAN: Henry Nine-Fingers be my name! I’ve sailed these waters me Please set the record straight. You are no woman, and the very whole life, and I’ve never met such a scurvy scoundrel as you! idea is ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous, yes? VALOIS: Excusez-moi? VIVIAN: I think we should be preparing for our show instead of 35 debating the obvious. 35 AGNES: And I be Black— MORRIS/CRANBURY: See? ALAN: I be Blackbeard! Most feared pirate in the Americas! Tiver me shimbers! VIVIAN: I trust you’ve all rehearsed thoroughly this time. I’ve invited Frederica Gallant to the show tonight. JASPER: (Leans in to VALOIS.) Sir, these blokes seem familiar. BECKY: No way! Isn’t she the wife of Andrew Gallant, the— MORRIS: (Steps forward in the wrong directions.) Crow’s Nest Johnny, 40 VIVIAN: The manager of the Atlas Theatre, yes. 40 reportin’ for duties.

42 7 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 BECKY: Um, my friend Elsabeth, that’s who. I’ve got, like, six friends, so— 1 VALOIS: Yes… yes, zey are familiar. MORRIS: Does he mean us? (Clumsily counts everyone off on his HESTER: I am… I am Jolly… Jolly… (Freezes up, then runs and hides.) fingers.) Can’t be sure now, but I thinks there’s more than six of us. VALOIS: And who are you, zen? GALFRED: I don’t think we even warrant one of those fingers, Morris. BECKY: Oh, shoot… Who was I again? Kitchen, or something? 5 (JAN ENTERS RIGHT, wakes HESTER, and helps her up. JAN stands 5 VALOIS: What about you? apart, but attentive.) GALFRED: Oh, uh… line? CRANBURY: Ah, good. Gather ’round, everyone. Gather ’round. Now, JAN: Galfred, you can’t call “line.” This is for real! I know we’ve been a bit put out lately. Traveling from village to village has taken its toll on our noble acting company. We’ve GALFRED: But I don’t know my line! 10 faced some inexplicably hostile crowds, it’s true. But I believe the VALOIS: (To JAN.) Bonté divine! You! You are ze girl from ze play. What experience has only made us stronger. And this, this is no sleepy 10 are you doing ’ere? hamlet. This is Brabbleton! The famed City on the Bay! We are REAGAN: (In her deepest voice.) Uh… Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of grog! on the up and up! A successful show here means we could be We sails the briny deep, and we makes ye walk the plank! Arr, arr! granted parts in the Earl’s Men come wintertime. JASPER: Sir, I think they’re all from the play. 15 AGNES: I’m happy being part of Lord Cranbury’s Men! To Lord Cranbury! VALOIS: Qu’est-ce que? Zey are all from ze play…? (Gasps.) You are ALL: (Except CRANBURY. Halfhearted.) To Lord Cranbury. 15 right! Zese are zose terreeble actors! What are you doing on ze CRANBURY: Yes, well, I’m happy to finance our summer tours with ocean? On a sheep? my family fortune. But it’s the prestige, men. The prestige! And CRANBURY: Arr, we be scouring the seas for plunder and booty. Now thanks to our new play from our brilliant playwright, Dirk Patrick… we’ve parleyed long enough! It’s time for ye to be on your way, ye 20 (Applauds, and the rest follow suit with noticeably less enthusiasm.) bilge rat! DIRK: Oh, it was nothing. I mean, it did take me several months and 20 JASPER: They’re pirates now, sir. considerable research… VALOIS: (Amused.) Zey are not pirates! CRANBURY: Dirk, I’m speaking. CRANBURY: Aye, we are! DIRK: Oh, sorry! ALL: (Except VALOIS and his CREW.) Arr! 25 CRANBURY: Yes, thanks to this wonderful new play, and, of course, VALOIS: No, zey are playeeng at pirates. But zey are ’armless. More our star performer, Vic Thatcher— (Applauds, then looks around 25 zan ’armless. Zey weel probably sheepwreck zemselves before and stops.) Wait, where’s Thatcher?! Thatcher! long. (Laughs.) JAN: He’s indisposed, m’lord. ALAN: You’re going to let us go, then? CRANBURY: Indisposed? Doing what? The play’s about to start! VALOIS: Oui, oui. Go on weeth your seely leetle pirate games. Right 30 JAN: I’m not at liberty to say, m’lord. now, we ’ave more important zings to attend to. Per’aps when we CRANBURY: Not at…? (Flustered.) I’m your employer, not Thatcher! 30 get bored, we shall seek you out again, eh, men? (VALOIS’ CREW JAN: Of course, m’lord. laughs in agreement.) CRANBURY: So why is he not here? REAGAN: (Sotto voce to JAN.) Your idea is working! He’s leaving! We might get out of this. VIVIAN: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Rest easy, dear Cecil. I… (Long dramatic 35 pause.) …have arrived. (ALL except CRANBURY applaud.) JAN: (Sotto voce to REAGAN.) A good thing, too. It’s worse than 35 you think. CRANBURY: Don’t applaud him. (To OTHERS.) Why are you applauding? REAGAN: What do you mean? (JAN shakes her head, gesturing AGNES: Sorry, m’lord. to VALOIS.) CRANBURY: (To VIVIAN.) You timed that deliberately. CRANBURY: You will live to regret this, ye scurvy dog. The next we VIVIAN: I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about. sees ye, we’ll blast yer ship outta the water, we will! 40 VALOIS: Oh, yes. I look forward to eet.

6 43 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 VIVIAN: You’ll rue the day you let Henry Nine-Fingers and Captain Vile 1 and terrified.) But, there, there, I’m sure you’ll do fine. Just fine. get away! (Turns from HESTER, who faints onto the floor.) VALOIS: Yes, I am sure I weel— (Sees CHARLES, passed out on the GALFRED: You going to include that in your rousing speech? deck.) Wait, who is zat? (Points to CHARLES.) CRANBURY: Oh, do you think I should? 5 JAN: Oh, no. 5 GALFRED: (Gestures.) Ah, it’s done wonders for Templeton. REAGAN: (In her deep pirate voice.) Just a sailor who’s had a bit too CRANBURY: (Turns to see HESTER on the floor.)Look at that. His much, sir. Don’t worry about him. nerves are completely soothed. He’s so relaxed he’s fallen JASPER: (Crouches for a closer look.) It’s Charles! asleep! (DIRK, AGNES, ALAN, RUTH, BECKY, and MORRIS ENTER JAN: Oh, no. RIGHT. BECKY carries a writing tablet and feather pen. A pigeon 10 sits on her shoulder.) 10 VALOIS: Silence, imbécile! AGNES: Wait, how do you know him? ALAN: (Points to HESTER.) Hey! I didn’t know there was a death scene in this play. Why didn’t I get that part? VALOIS: Ahem. Eet ees my duty to know ze pirates zat sail in zese parts. Charles Tanner ees a pirate of some infamy. Why ees ’e ’ere? GALFRED: You didn’t know there was a death scene in a play about Julius Caesar? JAN: We found him. His ship was sinking, and he came to us for help. 15 AGNES: Didn’t you read the script, mate? 15 VALOIS: I see. And what else was on hees sheep? ALAN: I know my lines. In English and in Roman. ALAN: Oh, you won’t believe it! A big— BECKY: As if! We are not doing that. JAN: A big hole was letting in water. The ship sank just as we reached him. We couldn’t save anything from it. ALAN: Whyus notus? It soundsus amazingus! VALOIS: (Angry.) La moutarde me monte au nez! Very well. I am BECKY: No. 20 takeeng zis lowly dog aboard my sheep. (His CREW picks CHARLES 20 AGNES: Stick to the script. That’s what Lord Cranbury always says. up and EXITS RIGHT, led by JASPER.) And he would know. He acted one time in London, he did! CRANBURY: Fair enough. We didn’t want him, anyway. ALAN: Yeah, yeah. Don’t worry. I know it. Galfred hasn’t even looked VALOIS: ’E shall answer for ’ees incompetence. Or is eet ’ees at his script. insolence? Ah, ze Anglais hurts my mouth to speak any longer. We GALFRED: I got time. 25 depart now. ’Ave a safe pleasure cruise, Captain… what was eet? 25 RUTH: The play starts in an hour. VIVIAN: Vile! Captain Vile! ALAN: What’d he say? VALOIS: Ah, yes. May ze winds favor you… until zey don’t. (EXITS RUTH: The play starts in an hour. RIGHT. ALL watch anxiously as he sails away, then ALL but JAN AGNES: He says, “The play starts in an hour.” cheer and celebrate.) GALFRED: See, a whole hour to go. I’ll have it down by then. (Gestures 30 KELLY: I can’t believe that worked! 30 to BECKY.) At least I’m not as bad as O’Sullivan. Barely even VIVIAN: Another victory for the Fourth Wall! knows he’s in a play. REAGAN: That was a brilliant idea, Jan. You were amazing! Why aren’t BECKY: Wow. Low blow much? you celebrating? (OTHERS quiet down.) AGNES: On his tablet. Like always. JAN: Because when Charles wakes up and tells him the real story, BECKY: Yeah, sorry-not-sorry. 35 we’re in serious trouble! 35 ALAN: What’s with the bird? Is it gonna tweet your messages for you? ALAN: So he finds out we made away with some pirate treasure. That BECKY: Um, that’s exactly what it does, troll! It’s a passenger pigeon. won’t matter that much to Valois. I can, like, text anyone now. JAN: No, but it will matter to Murdock. ALAN: Who on Earth would want to receive messages non-stop all REAGAN: What do you mean? You think Valois and Murdock are in league? day long?

44 5 For preview only 1 JAN: Just leave everything to me. 1 JAN: Worse. I think Haute-Valois… is Murdock the Murderer. (OTHERS ROBERT: Oh, excellent. Thanks! react in shock as LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.) JAN: Uh-huh! (ROBERT EXITS UP LEFT into the inn.) End of Scene Three CRANBURY: (ENTERS RIGHT with GALFRED and HESTER. HESTER is ACT TWO 5 constantly practicing lines in the background.) Look lively, everyone! Scene Four We’ve got a set to complete. Rome wasn’t built in a day, you know. Except in this case, of course. Ha! LIGHTS UP on the deck of the Fourth Wall, moments later. JAN, GALFRED: Just as funny as the last seventeen times you’ve told that REAGAN, CRANBURY, and VIVIAN huddle close together. CHANCE is one, sir. 5 at the helm UP LEFT. 10 CRANBURY: Hmmm, yes. Jan, who was that you were talking to? CRANBURY: So tell me again how you know Valois is really Murdock? JAN: The proprietor of the inn, sir. It seems we may get a better deal JAN: I guess I don’t know for sure, but there were a lot of clues. The than you originally worked out. way they recognized Charles made me certain, however. CRANBURY: (Feigns interest.) Oh, really? VIVIAN: Yes, but wouldn’t someone have found out before now? JAN: I got him to agree to a clause for expenses and— 10 REAGAN: No, they wouldn’t have. It’s the perfect ruse. As Murdock, he 15 CRANBURY: Yes, yes, yes. Have you swept the stage yet? Don’t want attacks any merchant vessels he finds and leaves no witnesses. anyone dirtying their togas unnecessarily, do we? JAN: But as Valois, he attacks other pirates and ensures that he JAN: Of course not, m’lord. (Sweeps.) doesn’t have competition. Had you been merchants, you would CRANBURY: Blast it all, where is everyone? have been attacked by Murdock, but if he had captured you as 15 pirates, he would have taken you in as the law-abiding Valois. GALFRED: Cranbury, I thought you said there was food out here? REAGAN: And now that he has the letter of marque from the English, 20 CRANBURY: Be a dear, Jan, and go fetch the company. I’ve got to he can sail anywhere he chooses and be either Murdock or Valois give my traditional, rousing pre-show speech, and there’s not to suit the situation. (Slumps.) I’m finished! much “pre” left before the show! (JAN EXITS RIGHT.) VIVIAN: But I still don’t understand how you figured it out. Why—? HESTER: Oh, no! Really?! How much time is left? (Warms up.) A 20 box of mixed biscuits, a box of mixed biscuits… (Continues to JAN: It will take too long to explain, and we haven’t much time. If I’m right, he’ll be back as soon as Charles wakes up and tells him 25 repeat quietly.) we have his treasure. Then he won’t care if we know who he is. CRANBURY: Relax, Templeton. You’ll do fine. Just fine. You know, I Murdock will finish the job. remember being a young boy like you. FRANK: (From OFFSTAGE.) Ships off the starboard bow! HESTER: Boy? (Beat.) Right. Boy. 25 CHANCE: (Looks OFF RIGHT. To REAGAN.) Captain, it’s Valois… CRANBURY: And even I—yes, I!—would get nervous before a show. uh, Murdock… uh… Someone’s coming up on us quick! (Points 30 (Laughs, condescending.) Imagine me, a stammering, nervous, OFF RIGHT.) utterly incompetent wreck, just as you are. CRANBURY: So, what is to be done? HESTER: In… incompetent? VIVIAN: Do you think we can beat him? CRANBURY: (Puts an arm around her shoulders and turns out to the 30 AUDIENCE.) And like you, I would fail night after night. The laughter REAGAN: We are outgunned and outnumbered. But if anyone can think of a plan, I’ll bet it’s Jan. 35 and jeers from the audience overwhelmed me, sending me into spirals of shame and disgraced humiliation. JAN: What? Why are you all looking at me? HESTER: (Stutters.) Sp– sp– spirals of shame? REAGAN: Would you stop already! Jan, I’ve only known you a short CRANBURY: There is nothing—nothing!—worse than bombing on time, but it’s obvious you’ve got more smarts, courage, and stage in front of an audience of unforgiving, merciless detractors 35 strength than you give yourself credit for. 40 just waiting to see you fail. Craving it, really. (HESTER is speechless CRANBURY: Hmph. What are you talking about?

4 45 For preview only 1 VIVIAN: How could you be so blind, Cranbury? She practically runs 1 JOANNA: Oh, you’re not off the hook, yet, Robert. We’ve food to your whole operation. You wouldn’t last a day without Jan. At prepare, drink to pour. We can charge extra for stools and pillows least I see what she’s capable of. That’s why I chose her as my for old backsides. personal assistant. ROBERT: You are as shrewd as you are lovely, my dear. 5 REAGAN: You’re both clueless. Her potential has been wasted long 5 JOANNA: Listen here. If we don’t make money off this, I’ll have your hide. enough. Jan, it’s not often that I can’t plot a course for what to do, ROBERT: We will, my cinnamon bear. We will! but I… I know you can do it. You just have to believe, too. JOANNA: We’d better. (Turns to JAN.) What are you looking at? Haven’t JAN: (Pause.) I do have an idea. But it’s a long shot. A really long shot. you got things to do? REAGAN: Let’s hear it. JAN: Yes, ma’am. (Sweeps.) 10 JAN: Okay… (Stops.) No, you have the Black Flag. You could get away. 10 JOANNA: Now find this Lord What’s-His-Face and get him up to twenty! REAGAN: It’s damaged and slow in the water. Besides, no one’s safe ROBERT: Of course, my dainty duck. (JOANNA storms OFF UP LEFT as long as he’s roaming the seas. Not pirates, not merchants— into the inn. ROBERT sits on a bench and settles in for a nap.) CRANBURY: Not actors. JAN: Shall I fetch him for you? REAGAN: If you know how to stop Murdock, then let’s do it. We’ll do ROBERT: (Jumps.) Hmm, sorry? What? 15 this together. 15 JAN: Lord Cranbury. You wish to speak to him? JAN: All right… We’ll need everyone on board in order to pull this off. ROBERT: I do? Not really. Could you? (LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.) JAN: Me? End of Scene Four ROBERT: I know you’re just a lowly stagehand, but I would really ACT TWO appreciate if you could— Scene Five 20 JAN: Negotiate a profit-sharing agreement, allocating income among separate parties by determining the relative value of each party’s LIGHTS UP on the deck of the Fourth Wall, a short time later. JAN contribution to the overall profits? stands alone on deck, silently. There are shouts from OFF RIGHT as ROBERT: Right. Yes, something like that. 20 VALOIS’ CREW gets ready to take the ship. JAN: I heard you talking about twenty percent. Are you referring to the JASPER: (From OFF RIGHT.) Right, men! Heave to and secure the 25 gross intake or net? grappling hooks! Weapons out. Prepare to board! Go, go, go! (Runs ROBERT: (Confused.) Net? ON RIGHT, followed by CHARLES and VALOIS’ CREW.) Secure the hold and the cabins! (CHARLES and VALOIS’ CREW EXIT UP LEFT.) JAN: Very good. Then we should probably discuss the ratio— ROBERT: No, I mean, what net? What are you talking about? 25 VALOIS: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Do not stop searching until you find ze treasure! JAN: The income after operating expenses. There are, of course, JASPER: (To VALOIS.) That other ship, the Black Flag, was empty. 30 market risks, as well as numerous expenses to consider in the No sign of its captain, O’Flynn. They must be hiding on this ship. allocation of profits. If you’re acquiescent to these deductions, then— Bunch of cowards. ROBERT: Who are you? 30 JAN: Well, you know women. JAN: Just a stagehand. VALOIS: You! What do you mean? You are ze only woman on zis ROBERT: Ah. How do you know so much about… profit-sharing and, sheep. And you are lucky you are. 35 and… income ratios? JAN: And why is that, pray tell? JAN: (Shrugs.) Somebody’s got to. JASPER: Captain’s only rule—never harm women. ROBERT: All right. 35 JAN: Funny, that Charles fellow said that was Murdock the Murderer’s JAN: Mr. Huxley, I believe we can give you twenty percent. Under the only rule as well. Now why would you have the exact same rule as aforementioned clauses, of course. that infamous pirate, I wonder. 40 ROBERT: Really?

46 3 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 ROBERT: Right. Maybe he didn’t say those exact words. 1 JASPER: Captain, I think she knows! JOANNA: Get on with it. Why’s there a blooming stage in the yard? VALOIS: Yes, I am Murdock. But eet does not matter. She weel be our ROBERT: Of course, my pretty petunia. So this Lord What’s-His-Face— preesoner. (To JAN.) It weel surprise you, I know. But seence you JAN: Cranbury. are a woman, you weel not be ’armed. Now tell us— 5 JAN: You mean, you’re not going to send me to meet my maker at the 5 ROBERT: He comes up to me and says, “Robert, my good fellow”— bottom of Davy Jones’ Locker? LAVINIA: Oh, so now he knows you again? JASPER: Never harm women. ROBERT: Fine, he says, “My good fellow, whom I have not met until this very moment, and whose name I do not know…” There, you VALOIS: Of course, never ’arming women does not mean you cannot happy now? be a slave on my sheep for ze rest of your peeteeful life. Maybe 10 you can be our new cook. Or clean out ze bunks. 10 LAVINIA: Well, it’s a bit more plausible, isn’t it? JASPER: But, Captain, I think she means that there are more women. JOANNA: Robert Huxley, if you don’t get to the point right now… VALOIS: Nonsense. Zey are merely actors. We saw zem in zat seely ROBERT: (Speaks quickly.) He’s a famous London actor and has a leetle play in Brabbleton. And actors cannot be women! Everyone company that wants to perform here this afternoon, and he’s knows zis. (VALOIS’ CREW ushers ALL OTHERS but DIRK ON giving us a cut of the profits to use the yard, and you’re beautiful 15 LEFT with their hands up.) Ah, ’ere zey are! You see, zey are just 15 and lovely and sweet and so understanding and— cowards, not women. JOANNA: Cut of the profit, you say? JAN: Are you sure about that, Captain? ROBERT: Yes, a cut. VIVIAN: Maybe we are better actors than you think. (Dramatically JOANNA: How much? reveals she is a woman.) ROBERT: Fifteen percent. 20 JASPER: Well, blow me down! 20 JOANNA: Get him up to twenty. VIVIAN: Women cannot be actors, huh? ROBERT: But… I already shook on the deal and— KELLY: Or sailors? (Reveals she is a woman.) JOANNA: Twenty percent, Robert. VALOIS: What ees zis? ROBERT: Of course, my sweet pumpkin pie. REAGAN: Or pirate captains? (Reveals she is a woman.) JOANNA: (To LAVINIA and SUSAN.) So… Can I interest you two in 25 VALOIS: Vous, Capitaine? 25 some tickets for a play? REAGAN: Thank you for addressing me with the proper title, Valois. Or SUSAN: Wouldn’t miss it, Joanna! Murdock. Whatever your real name is. Yes, I am Captain Reagan LAVINIA: (Unsure.) Hmmm… What’s this play about? O’Flynn, commander of the Black Flag and the most renowned JAN: Julius Caesar. pirate in these waters, until you slithered your way in here. LAVINIA: Who’s he? 30 JASPER: Reagan O’Flynn’s a woman? We attacked him—uh, her— 30 JAN: Emperor of Rome. days ago. She… They could have been killed! (Kneels.) Sorry, ma’am, we didn’t know! LAVINIA: They’ve still got one of those? VALOIS: Stop your blubbering, Jasper! So zere are a few weemon. Zey JAN: No. It’s a history play. shall… (Sighs resignedly.) …of course be offered safe passage as JOANNA: A history play! Now what could be better than that? 35 preesoners, but ze rest shall sweem weeth ze feeshes maintenant! LAVINIA: (Sniffs.) Anything, really. RUTH: But we’re all women. 35 JOANNA: Spread the word! Tell your friends and neighbors! VALOIS: What? SUSAN: But you’re our neighbor! ALL: (Except VALOIS’ CREW.) We’re all women! (Remove their hats to JOANNA: Go on! Go on! (SUSAN and LAVINIA EXIT LEFT.) reveal long, flowing hair. Some MEN pull off feminine poses in their ROBERT: I’m so glad you came around, my gentle lamb. 40 wigs better than others. Some bat their eyes.)

2 47 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 JASPER: Knock me down with a feather. AN ACT OF PIRACY VALOIS: But ’ow? Zees ees preposterous! ACT ONE CRANBURY: (In a high-pitched voice.) Yes, we are all women! I even Scene One give my lovely, beautiful locks of hair one hundred brush strokes 5 a day— 1 AT RISE: TOWNSPEOPLE come and go through Brabbleton Square on VIVIAN: (Sotto voce.) Don’t overdo it, Cranbury. a busy morning, as JOANNA stares at a poster on the wall. LAVINIA and JAN: (To VALOIS.) You thought they were terrible actors, but it seems SUSAN ENTER LEFT and approach JOANNA. they fooled you—and everyone else—quite handily. SUSAN: Well, if it isn’t Joanna Huxley! How are you, love? MORRIS: (To himself.) ’Cept me. 5 JOANNA: Same as you, I expect. Poor and miserable. 10 CHARLES: Captain, are we taking them all prisoner, then? I mean, I LAVINIA: What’s that you’re reading? guess we’ve got to. JOANNA: Lavinia, you know as well as I do that I can’t read. VALOIS: (Threateningly, to JAN.) Where… ees… ze treasure? LAVINIA: Right. What’s that you’re staring at, then? JAN: (Jingles a coin purse.) We’ve all got the treasure. Distributed JOANNA: Some ragamuffin just put it here. Never seen her before, till evenly among us. (The OTHERS jingle purses. VALOIS growls and 10 she comes nailing up posters on the wall of my inn. (JAN ENTERS 15 moves in to take JAN’S purse, but JAN snatches it away.) You RIGHT with a broom and starts sweeping the stage.) wouldn’t assault a woman to take it now, would you? SUSAN: (Points.) That stage wasn’t there yesterday, was it now? VALOIS: (Laughs exaggeratedly French.) You zink you are so smart, do you? You zink you ’ave won? (Draws his weapon.) You are about to JOANNA: That’s her, the ragamuffin! You, girl! What’s all this, then? find out ’ow Murdock the Murderer ’as earned hees title. JAN: I’m just a stagehand. You should talk to Lord Cranbury. 20 JAN: I thought you never harmed women! 15 JOANNA: I don’t care if he’s Lord Blueberry, Strawberry, or Boysenberry, JASPER: (Concerned.) What are you doing, Captain? he’s got no right letting you nail stuff up on my inn. And what’s with the stage? VALOIS: Ze only reason I had zat seely rule was to keep my men in line! But zey are aneemals, ze lowliest of sea dogs, pitiful JAN: I believe it’s all been worked out with your husband. wretches! Zey do not care! And neizer do I! (Raises his arm to strike JOANNA: My…? (Narrows her eyes, then bellows.) Robert! 25 JAN, but JASPER grabs VALOIS’ arm and stops him.) 20 ROBERT: (Bellows from OFFSTAGE.) Yes, my sweet honey blossom? JASPER: Captain! Never harm women! JOANNA: Get out here. Now! VALOIS: Release me at once, eediot! Do you not see zat zey are ROBERT: (Bellows from OFFSTAGE.) Certainly, my lovely doe-eyed playeeng us? beauty. (JOANNA taps her foot until ROBERT ENTERS UP LEFT JASPER/CHARLES/VALOIS’ CREW: Never harm women! through the inn door, wiping a mug.) What is it, my pet? 30 JASPER: That’s what you’ve always said, and… (Tears up.) …well… 25 JOANNA: What is going on here? it’s made us better men, sir! And pirates don’t get many chances ROBERT: What do you mean, my love? (JOANNA gestures angrily to feel that way. Right, boys? (VALOIS’ CREW nods and wipes tears.) at the stage, the poster, and JAN.) Right. I can explain, VALOIS: Eet was nonsense! I do not care about weemon! sweetheart. So, this gentleman approaches me and asks, JASPER: Then… then I hereby relieve you of duty for breaking “Robert, my good fellow”— 35 Murdock’s—I mean, for breaking our most important rule. 30 LAVINIA: You know this Lord Blueberry, then? VALOIS: You zink you can defeat me? (JASPER, CHARLES, and VALOIS’ JAN: Cranbury. CREW all draw their swords and point them at VALOIS who, shocked, ROBERT: No. I mean, I didn’t at the time. drops his sword and puts up his hands.) Fine, okay. LAVINIA: So how did he know your name then? JASPER: Get him out of here, men! (VALOIS’ CREW leads VALOIS ROBERT: What are we talking about? 40 OFF RIGHT.) 35 SUSAN: You said he said “Robert, my good man.”

48 1 For preview only SETTING 1 VIVIAN: We did it! Huzzah! (ALL cheer.) Time: Early seventeenth century. AGNES: You’re a genius, Jan! Place: The port city of Brabbleton, England, and the surrounding ALAN: That was so amazing! I think I’m going to throw up. open seas. BECKY: I’m not sure how I’m going to text all this to Elsabeth. 5 REAGAN: (To JASPER.) Well done, sailor. So, which of you is going to SYNOPSIS OF SCENES be the new captain? (Looks between JASPER and CHARLES.) ACT ONE CHARLES: Oh, I’m not cut out for captaining. Scene One: Brabbleton town square outside of the Huxley’s inn, JASPER: (Shakes his head. To REAGAN.) But… maybe you? morning time. REAGAN: Oh, no. I’ve got my own ship and crew, thank you. But… you Scene Two: The town square, later that afternoon. 10 know who I think would be an excellent choice? Scene Three: The town square, a short time later. CRANBURY: Well, I’m honored, m’lady, but I think we’ve all had a bit much of the pirate life. It’s time we all— ACT TWO REAGAN: I wasn’t talking about you. (Looks pointedly at JAN. Then, Scene One: The deck of the Fourth Wall (a ship), a couple of days later. ALL turn to look at JAN, who is shocked at first, but then smiles and 15 resolutely punches her fist in the air.) Scene Two: The deck of the Fourth Wall, days later. JAN: Arr! Scene Three: The deck of the Fourth Wall, a couple of hours later. ALL: Arr! Arr! Arr! (LIGHTS FADE to BLACK as ALL EXIT. Then in Scene Four: The deck of the Fourth Wall, moments later. the dark.) Scene Five: The deck of the Fourth Wall, a short time later. DIRK: (From OFF LEFT.) Hello? Is anyone going to let me out of this 20 brig? Hello?! SET DESCRIPTION END OF PLAY Brabbleton Square: The exterior of the Huxleys’ inn is UP LEFT with a door leading OFF into the inn. A poster advertising The Death of Caesar hangs on a wall of the inn. A raised stage or platform with crude Roman decorations—columns, urns, etc.—is DOWN RIGHT. A few rows of benches are CENTER. The rest of Brabbleton is OFF LEFT; a backstage area for Lord Cranbury’s company is OFF RIGHT. The deck of the Fourth Wall pirate ship can be played in front of an open ocean backdrop with railings to designate the sides (starboard bow RIGHT, port bow LEFT) of the ship. The ship’s helm is UP RIGHT. The UP LEFT EXIT leads to the brig, the hold, and the rest of the ship’s interior. The RIGHT EXIT leads to the open seas. The deck is littered with barrels, buckets, ropes, tools, a mop, and other trappings.

iv 49 For preview only PRODUCTION NOTES DIRK PATRICK ...... undiscovered playwright; 30 plays Albert Hogsbottom PROPERTIES ONSTAGE JAN FLETCHER ...... modest, humble stagehand; 127 Brabbleton Town Square: Exterior of the inn with a poster for The more shrewd than she lets on Death of Caesar, raised stage with crude Roman decorations (columns, urns), benches. Pirates and Sailors Fourth Wall pirate ship: Rope, barrels, helm, mop. CAPITAINE JEAN-FRANCOIS PROPERTIES BROUGHT ON DE LA HAUTE-VALOIS ...... arrogant privateer; pirate hunter 65 JASPER ...... Haute-Valois’ gruff first mate 29 ACT ONE CHARLES ...... sailor lost at sea 24 Scene One: Broom (JAN) CAPTAIN REAGAN O’FLYNN .....slick, wily female commander of 86 Mug, cloth (ROBERT) the Black Flag Writing tablet, feather pen, fake pigeon (BECKY) KELLY ...... female Black Flag crewmember 6 Scene Two: JACKIE ...... another 5 Tray of mugs (JOANNA) CHANCE ...... male Black Flag crewmember 6 Script (DIRK) FRANK ...... another 7 Daggers (ALAN/RUTH/VIVIAN) VALOIS’ CREW ...... extras as male pirates n/a Scene Three: Writing tablet, feather pen (BECKY) * Female actors playing male characters. Three coins (JOANNA) Contract (JAN) ACT TWO Scene One: Boatswain’s whistle (AGNES) Weapons (FORTH WALL CREW) Writing tablet, feather pen (BECKY) Treasure chest with gold pieces (AGNES/ALAN) Scene Two: Mirror, sword (REAGAN) Sword (VIVIAN) Scene Three: Sword (REAGAN) Scene Five: Coin purses with coins (CRANBURY’S CREW and REAGAN’S CREW) Swords (VALOIS’ CREW) SOUND EFFECTS Waves crash, seagulls cry.

50 iii RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only AN ACT OF PIRACY COSTUMES By PATRICK DERKSEN CRANBURY’S COMPANY wear Roman costumes in Act One (breastplates and Spartan helmets for the SOLDIERS; togas for ALL OTHERS), and CAST OF CHARACTERS then switch to unconvincing pirate costumes in Act Two. It can be very # of lines apparent they are wearing costumes, looking less authentic than the Townspeople real pirates. AGNES, RUTH, and ALAN all have black beards as part JOANNA HUXLEY ...... irritable local innkeeper 49 of their pirate costumes. MORRIS wears an eyepatch in Act One, and ROBERT HUXLEY ...... Joanna’s long-suffering husband 46 comes on wearing two in Act Two. SUSAN TANNER ...... opinionated neighbor 26 Some characters pretending to be male should, for dramatic effect, LAVINIA TANNER ...... even more opinionated 38 “let their hair down” when the reveal they are female. But those neighbor characters vacillate between “male” and “female,” so hairstyles should be versatile but simple. Optional, easy-to-remove hats and FREDERICA GALLANT ...... rich and famous talent scout 12 mustaches can help make costumes more convincing. TOWNSPEOPLE ...... extras n/a FLEXIBLE CASTING NOTE Lord Cranbury and His Company The TOWNSPEOPLE can be played by any gender with only minor text LORD CECIL HOPMORTON alterations. They can also be doubled to play all of the PIRATES and CRANBURY ...... wealthy, egotistical theatre 174 SAILORS except VALOIS and JASPER. manager and monotone actor; plays Julius Caesar and Captain Vile VIVIAN THATCHER* ...... the star; a demanding diva and 94 tireless over-actor; plays Brutus and Henry Nine-Fingers AGNES MILLS* ...... eager but inexperienced; often 49 mouths other actors’ lines; plays a centurion and Blackbeard ALAN BENEDICT ...... attention-seeking up-stager; 39 plays Gaius and Blackbeard RUTH AVERY* ...... timid, mumbling wallflower; 23 plays Sutonius and Blackbeard BECKY O’SULLIVAN* ...... unmotivated; breaks character 39 often; plays Julia and Kitchen HESTER TEMPLETON* ...... anxiety-ridden; suffers from 26 serious stage fright; plays a centurion and Jolly Roger GALFRED ...... lazy procrastinator; doesn’t 42 learn lines or blocking; plays Caesarion and Buckles MORRIS...... eager, but clueless; plays 46 the opening chorus, a soldier, and Crow’s Nest Johnny ii 51 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only BRABBLETON SQUARE

By Patrick Derksen

ONE SCRIPT PER CAST MEMBER MUST BE PURCHASED FOR PRODUCTION RIGHTS. PHOTOCOPYING, REPRODUCING, OR DISTRIBUTING ALL OR ANY PART OF THIS BOOK WITHOUT PERMISSION IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW.

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