Welcome to the IRI 7-‐Step Training for Therapists

Welcome to the IRI 7-Step Training For Therapists

Version: 3.0 Date: May 2015 Course Tools: http://infidelityrecoveryinstitute.com/7-step-infidelity-recovery- program-professional-training/

Table of Contents Overview ...... 6 The 7-Step Infidelity Recovery Model ...... 6 The 7 Types of Affairs ...... 6 What Is The Infidelity Recovery Model? ...... 7 General Information: ...... 7 General Purpose: ...... 7 Terms ...... 8 Goals of training ...... 8 At the end of this certification training you will: ...... 8 Six Goals & Core Exercises of the 7-Step Infidelity Recovery Model ...... 8 Foundation of the 7-step infidelity recovery program ...... 9 Who is your target audience? ...... 11 Selling the 7-Step Model as a Program ...... 12 INTAKE ...... 14 TIP - LAST 15 MINUTES ...... 16 Do you have extra time? ...... 17 INTAKE TIPS ...... 17 Prepare Enrich ...... 18 STEP 1 – COMMITMENT ...... 19 Session Overview ...... 19 Why is Commitment an important step? ...... 19 SESSION PLAN ...... 20 Homework for Couple ...... 21 STEP 1 TIPS ...... 22 LETTER TO THE AFFAIR PARTNER EXERCISE: ...... 24 Create transparency ...... 25 Suggestions for discussion ...... 26 RITUALS FOR LOVE ...... 26 Quality Time ...... 27 Acts of affection ...... 27 Monologues ...... 27 STEP 2 – AFFAIR STORY ...... 28 SESSION OVERVIEW ...... 28 The Affair Story Overview ...... 29 Betrayed partners usually ask the following things: ...... 30 Why is it necessary to tell the affair story? ...... 31 PREPARING FOR DISCLOSURE – CLIENT ADVICE ...... 33 ADVICE FOR YOUR CLIENT: ...... 33 CHECK POINT ...... 35 The Apology ...... 36

“6 Steps to a Heart Felt Apology” ...... 36 Summary: ...... 37 STEP 3 – PERSONAL HEALING ...... 38 SESSION OVERVIEW ...... 38 Introduction to Personal Healing ...... 38 The Top 8 Emotions ...... 39 Obsessions ...... 39 Managing Emotions For The Unfaithful Partner ...... 40 COUPLE HOMEWORK ...... 40 COUPLE SESSION ACTIVITY - FOO ...... 42 F.O.O Workbook ...... 43 Contribution List: ...... 48 STEP 4 – SEX & INTIMACY ...... 49 The Sex Starved Marriage ...... 49 Sexual History of Infidelity Couples ...... 50 SEX SESSION STRUCTURE ...... 51 Discussion Points ...... 51 Sexual Fulfillment Worksheet ...... 53 Date Night ...... 56 Showing Affection ...... 57 Phase A – Intimate Conversation ...... 58 Phase B – Physical Connection ...... 58 NOTE - SEX ADDICTED AFFAIR TYPE ...... 58 STEP 5 – EMOTIONAL NEEDS ...... 60 Emotional Needs Assessment ...... 61 Suggested Process Using all Forms ...... 62 THE TREATMENT PLAN ...... 64 STEP 6 – FORGIVENESS ...... 65 SESSION OVERVIEW ...... 65 About Forgiveness ...... 67 The Forgiveness Checklist ...... 68 FORGIVENESS CHECKLIST A ...... 69 PERSONAL READINESS ...... 69 FORGIVENESS READINESS CHECKLIST B ...... 70 FORGIVENESS LETTERS ...... 72 MONOLOGUE for FORGIVENESS ...... 72 STEP 7 – MOVING FORWARD ...... 77 NOTE: 2015 Change ...... 77 SESSION OVERVIEW ...... 77 CLOSING RITUALS ...... 77 Ideas for Ritual and celebrations ...... 78 Referrals and Final Termination ...... 78 The Affair Type ...... 81 TYPE 1: ACCIDENTAL AFFAIRS ...... 83 Treatment Strategy: One Night Stand ...... 87 TYPE 2: AVOIDANCE AFFAIRS ...... 88

Two Types of Avoidance Affairs: ...... 88 Intimacy Avoidance ...... 88 Conflict Avoidance ...... 88 1. INTIMACY AVOIDANCE FEATURES: ...... 89 2. CONFLICT AVOIDANCE FEATURES: ...... 89 Treatment Strategy: Avoidance Affairs ...... 92 TYPE 3: PHILANDERER AFFAIRS ...... 95 TREATMENT STRATEGY: Philanderer ...... 101 TYPE 4: ENTITLEMENT AFFAIRS ...... 103 Treatment Strategy: Entitlement Affairs ...... 105 TYPE 5: SPLIT-SELF AFFAIRS ...... 106 TYPE 6: EXIT AFFAIRS ...... 116 TREATMENT: Exit Affairs ...... 117 TYPE 7: ADDICTION AFFAIRS ...... 120 TREATMENT: Sex Addict Affair Type ...... 125 COMPARISON: One Night Stand to Sexual Addiction Affairs ...... 130 COMPARISON: Avoidance Affairs to Exit Affairs ...... 131

Overview

The 7-Step Infidelity Recovery Model

1. Commitment 2. Affair Story 3. Personal healing 4. Sex & Intimacy 5. Emotional Needs 6. Forgiveness 7. Moving Forward

The 7 Types of Affairs

1. One Night Stand 2. Avoidance Affairs i. Conflict avoidance ii. Sexual avoidance 3. Philanderer 4. Entitlement Affairs 5. Exit Affairs 6. Split Self Affairs 7. Sexual Addiction Affairs

What Is The Infidelity Recovery Model? General Information: • Timeframe: 10 to 15 weeks • Review: Session 6 or 7 with option to terminate if any person wishes to do so o It takes 6 to 7 weeks for the intense and difficult conversations to end, and for there to be more good days than bad. • Weekly meetings – 1 to 2 hours per session • Sessions can be: o In person o Skype o Phone • No contact with affair partner during time of coaching • Cannot initiate divorce proceedings during the coaching period • This is NOT marriage therapy • DOES NOT provide individual counseling – OUT OF SCOPE • It does NOT guilt trip an individual or couple to stay in the marriage or relationship

General Purpose: • To stabilize the relationship after the discovery of infidelity • Educate the clients on the how & why the affair occurred • Promote compassion to each other

Terms

Unfaithful partner – cheater; infidel Betrayed Partner – spouse 3rd Party – Lover, OW/OM

Goals of training

At the end of this certification training you will: 1. Have a structured step-by-step process to help a couple during affair recovery 2. Be able to recognize different affair types & understand the unique issues within each type. 3. Recognize your own limitations and know when to make an appropriate referral

Six Goals & Core Exercises of the 7-Step Infidelity Recovery Model 1. Improve communication & reduce conflict with Gottman’s “The 4 Horsemen” 2. Create friendship, empathy, & bonding with 10 to 15 hours of Quality Time. 3. Develop emotional attachment with daily structured monologues 4. Understand the affair story and the message behind the affair 5. Identify & discuss each individuals emotional needs 6. Establish a path for a healthy sex life

Affairs come in all shapes & sizes. The infidelity recovery program contains over 50 exercises you can utilize in feedback to couples. Yet we know the drop out rate of couples in affair counseling is high, so our aim is to keep the couple working on the relationship for 90 days (12 weeks*). With the recommend 12 to 15 exercises, the couple will transition from a state of anger, hopelessness, and confusion, to understanding their relationship and themselves. Couples who complete the 7-step program are less likely to divorce, as they have a new reality of what their relationship needs, and are willing to work on the relationship moving forward.

Foundation of the 7-step infidelity recovery program

The 7-step infidelity recovery program is a fusion of coaching, counseling, and therapy. You will also notice an influence from emotion-focused therapy, as EFT was taught to me when completing my Masters in Clinical Psychology.

It is not purely coaching (asking the client questions & allowing the client to come to their own conclusions,) as we are acting as subject matter experts. We do act as coaches in that we must motivate our clients throughout the program to keep them on track, to complete the homework exercises, and to work on completion of all seven steps.

Motivation of this trauma-ridden couple is so important. The difference between the 7-Step Program and traditional therapy is in traditional couple therapy, the couple will come in, and the therapist could spend months or even a year looking at “what was happening in the relationship which caused the affair.” This alone causes the high drop out rate in couple therapy, and does not help either person gain closure on the affair. (See the Peggy Vaughan survey “Help for Therapists).

As an EFT therapist, I would previously focus on the relationship & attachment history, and get a good, clear sense of each spouses experience of the problem, and of what its like to be in the relationship. I’d look at the fight cycle and identify where each person goes in the cycle, and pull in past triggers and negative reactions – framing this back to the couple, showing them , this is why/how they struggle to connect. These sessions would provide the couple greater awareness of their own and each other’s fears, longings, and needs. The couple would have shared meaning – yet the elephant in the room was obvious. What was the affair all about? EFT therapy did not resolve these questions.

The 7-Step model puts a spotlight on the affair first (the affair letter, affair story, affair type), while conditioning better communication and conflict resolution strategies, and creating an environment of intimacy and friendship. By the end of the program (3 to 4 months) each person will know more about themselves, and more about their partner. The couple will not be volatile, nor will they be an emotional mess. Each person will have the answers they need in order to make the best decisions for their future.

What will be difficult for most therapists, is two things:

1. Being able to follow the 7-Step program and resisting the urge to have the client set therapy goals. There is only so much time in session, and most of it needs to be spent in following the program goals. 2. Selling the model as a program.

Both of these decisions will be up to the individual therapist. For the sake of simplicity, I will take you through a 12-week program, based on couple that is compliant in completing the homework exercises.

It is in Step 7, when you are working out the after care program, you can discuss the need for therapy, either couple or individual. You will also be referring the couple or individual to other support services (Support groups, SAA etc).

We have to remember, the most important point is for the betrayed spouse to understand the affair story in order for the healing to begin. If you have spent time in affair recovery forums, you will see it is the betrayed spouse who is stuck, wondering what happened, knowing some of the story but not all of it, unable to trust as they are not sure…and so on. This is similar in strategy to treating those with PTSD – working through the trauma in a safe environment, providing coping strategies etc.

This entire program has been designed and based around getting the couple unstuck so they can assess each other for who they really are. Spending time together, monologues that are timed with communication rules, ending the affair, or “closing the doors and shutting the windows.”

Some therapists will choose to take components of the 7-step structure and integrate this into their own style. This makes a lot of sense as each therapist has a unique background, set of skills, and level of experience.

NOTE – It is important the couple be able to “feel” what a safe and healthy relationship could look like, even if they have never had such a relationship previously. This strategy provides hope to both people, and prevents one or both people giving up on the marriage. This is why I suggest taking the couple through the 7 Steps first, then going back into areas highlighted during couple coaching for intensive individual therapy.

If you spend all your time with the couple talking about PAIN and not providing real life workable solutions, the couple will not survive. Change does not happen without motion. As a coach, you are motivating your clients to stay consistent with rituals and routines at home to achieve change.

I promise you, your clients will have greater long-term benefits from implementing & enforcing the QT & monologues, than from 2 years of psychotherapy.

Who is your target audience?

I’ve added this section in from our 6 Figure business coach course, to help you understand your market. This is 7 years of data. I strongly recommend you consider this information when pricing and marketing your services.

1. Who committed the affair? Ø 90.8% said their spouse cheated 2. Age Ø 35-44 36% Ø 45-54 36.5% 3. Marital Stats Ø 84.8% still married Ø 11.6% separated Ø 3.6% divorced 4. How many times have you been married? Ø 69.8% = 1 Ø 23.4 % = 2 Ø 4.6% = 3 5. Household Income Ø 150k + 27.5% Ø 100 – 149k 22.7% Ø 75 – 99K 19.8% 6. Number of Children Ø 1 12.8% Ø 2 43.2% Ø 3 34.3% 7. Length of marriage: Ø 1 to 5years 7% Ø 6 to 10 years 19.3% Ø 11 to 15 years 19.6% Ø 16 to 20 years 16.2% Ø 21 to 25 years 14.3% Ø 26 to 30 years 11.4% Ø 31 to 35 years 4.6% Ø 36 to 40 years 4.3%

Selling the 7-Step Model as a Program

Selling doesn’t come natural to most people and it definitely doesn’t come natural to a therapist. While this course does not cover sales training or setting up a marketing funnel for your business, I will briefly talk about why you should sell the 7-Step Infidelity Recovery Model as a Program rather than sessions.

Firstly, people are conditioned to pay for results. Think about it. What outcome driven items have you purchased? Fitness, business, study, diet? Why do people join gyms? Become members? Why do ladies join Jenny Craig? Why do organisations hire business coaches and corporate coaches for 3, 6, 12 month blocks at a time?

The business world knows the secrets which therapists seam to ignore. People achieve results when they buy into a program, a sense of accomplishment when they complete the program. A person will keep coming into therapy even if they’re not enjoying therapy at that time, as they know they’re going through a process. They understand that at the end of that process there is a chance for a better relationship, or personal happiness.

In most other industries, presenting a client with a proposal for working together is standard business. A professional business person will present their program, describing the benefits and conditions, and then they will present the financial offer. They will overcome any objections, answer any questions, and be ready to “close the sale.”

This is why coaches are making over 100k per year, and therapists are not. Coaches “Close the Sale.”

If you wish to sell the 7-Step infidelity recovery method as a program, think about how comfortable you are with following the suggested 12 week/12 session plan. If you are comfortable, think about a program fee.

Other therapists charge between $2000 to $4997 for the 7-Step Program. I charge $2997 for the program in Las Vegas, Nevada – ($3997 L.A. Clinic).

However, I always offer the clients my coaching packages as well for 1m 3m 6m 12. This works for clients who are ongoing, and require the motivation and mentorship.

You must consider your overall business and marketing plan when setting prices. Perhaps looking at an excel sheet with your yearly financial plan would be the best place to start. Are © Copyright 2015 by The Infidelity Recovery Institute, all rights reserved 12 you on target to make the income you need? If not, what will need to change for you to make X amount?

Don’t feel overwhelmed if you are not doing any of these things right now. You can’t do everything, and you can always come back and integrate a “program strategy” into your therapy business when you are ready.

For now, lets look at how you can take a couple through the 7-Step Infidelity Recovery Process.

REMEMBER

The following guide follows the 12 week/12 session outline provided.

Modify this guide according to your couple; your therapy style or practice; & affair type.

ASK YOURSELF INTAKE Can you help these clients?

Ø The cheating minister? Ø The Mom who lives her kids at Before meeting with the client you may speak to them for 5 home to party in night clubs to 10 minutes to make sure you are a good fit for them. Also Ø The husband who had 30 + affairs Ø A Muslim woman who’s husband to check you are comfortable with the clients’ infidelity wants a 2nd wife? Ø The spouse who has confessed to situation. only 1 of many affairs Ø The spouse who has not confessed to the affair as yet Always make sure you get the clients in for the initial intake Ø The woman worked as a prostitute session within 1 to 3 days, no longer. Ø The man hires prostitutes or went to massage parlors often.

What makes you feel The Initial Call uncomfortable? • Important Information o Who is calling – the betrayed or the Infidel? o What is the concern or immediate issue? o Are they together or apart? o Are all parties safe? Physically? Mentally? (if not get them to contact local emergency help, or if in danger, find out their location and call local authorities yourself) o Both names; o Age o Relationship Status o Length of relationship o # times married for both o Children? Ages? o When can they come in? o Gather all their contact details. You may even send them Intake Forms to start on before client. Save you time and paper, especially of they are running late to the appointment. o Confirm – YOU CAN HELP.

TIP - Best Times for Coaching? • I have always found that working 2 to 3 evenings and a Saturday works best for clients

Session 1- Intake Time: 60 to 90 mins Clients should arrive 10-15 mins early to complete your intake forms such as: • Registration • Contracts • Confidentiality agreements • Infidelity assessment/affair type • Three primary Issues

Your goal for this session is: o Introducing the client to the program o Creating a safe haven environment to work through the affair o “Talk therapy” for the client to express their pain o Create hope and establish a path of recovery

Process of Session 1: First – take in the client who arranged the session. • 15 minute talk • What are their goals? • Confirm you can help Second – take in the spouse • 15 minute talk • What are their goals? • Confirm you can help Third – Bring them both together • Get a good overview the current situation

Forth – Introduce the “Infidelity Recovery Program”, (or your coaching program price sheets.) Let them know what the program will do for the recovery; the statistics on trying to recover without SPECIALIST infidelity recovery support; the effect it will have on their children long term if they do not receive the right advice/fight at home in front of the children/if they divorce or separate etc • Not all clients will sign up immediately (most will), so you charge them for the single session. I sometimes take this charge off the program cost. • QUESTION – Ask them both o “What FEARS do you have in starting this program?” Fifth – Book them in for their next session • Regardless if they buy a program or not at this stage, you set the time for the next session now. Remember these points: o They need relief from their issues and you are providing a path o Both people can work on their problems in a safe environment o The affair can and will be discussed – the MAJOR point of difference between US and 99% of other coaches & therapists o You are providing HOPE – they need a relief from the PAIN they are currently facing. You are their HOPE.

TIP - LAST 15 MINUTES

Ø Leave appropriate time (15 minutes approximately) at the end of the first session to tell the couple what they need in terms of coaching. Ø Make sure you instill hope Ø Remember that the first session is a talk session, no couple in office exercises - its average length is 60-90 minutes. Ø Set Homework of “ending the affair” and “creating transparency” if appropriate (otherwise it is covered in Step 1) Ø Is the client signing onto the program? Do they need a payment plan? Can they leave a deposit?

Ø Have you set the appointment for the next session? Ø Have you taken notes? Do you know their affair type yet?

Do you have extra time? Ø Review Gottman’s 4 Horsemen with the client – as the first communication/conflict resolution correction strategy (otherwise it is covered in Step 1)

INTAKE TIPS 1. Never assume the presenting concern is the issue. The “trauma” or the reason they are coming to see you is because of the affair and this needs to be and remain the focus point. However the reasons for the affair is the true ‘Goal’ of coaching. They just don’t know it yet! And it is disrespectful to the betrayed person to bring up other factors during the assessment and blame them for what they did to the relationship (being the cause of the affair). 2. Focus on the here and now The assessment is also one of the first times both people have openly expressed themselves about how they feel, and the pain they are going through at that point. Most counseling and coaching methods will at this point look to either the future or the past to explain the negative behavior (the affair). In our assessment, we focus on the “here and now”. 3. Creating a “Safe haven” a. We create a coaching environment of being able to talk freely and be heard without negativity. There is no judgment of any situation or story. b. This also means being mindful of transference & countertransference 4. Do not let the couple fight. If they are angry they are to express themselves to you. Do not forget, that the reason they are in this mess is because they cannot communicate!

Prepare Enrich

If you have been certified in Prepare Enrich you can have the clients do this assessment now or wait until the end of the program.

Prepare Enrich is a relationship assessment tool. For more information go to their website www.prepare-enrich.com

• It builds on relationship strengths. • It is in a professional report format that most people enjoy reviewing • It provides them with exercises they can do together in clinic and at home to repair the damage • They receive a certificate of completion. • They become part of the Marketing System, which means yearly follow-ups.

IRI has an online certification for Prepare Enrich. Check the website for details.

NOTE – Emotional Needs Forms Depending on the couple & affair type, if you knew this couple was looking to work through this affair, you could have them being the emotional needs forms now, and over the next few weeks.

STEP 1 – COMMITMENT

Session Overview

This session maybe your intake and first session combined. The Step may take a few sessions to complete.

Important Points: ü The couple completes and agrees to your couple contract ü Discuss the requirement of the program for success o Commitment to the process of repair o No contact with 3rd party o 10 to 15 hours of Quality Time per week o Transparency o Timed Monologues ü Learning communication techniques ü The Letter to the 3rd Party

Why is Commitment an important step?

Step 1 of the program is having the couple commit to the process of repair. It may be difficult to commit to the marriage after finding out about infidelity. However, the couple can commit to digging deeper into repairing the injury of the infidelity, for a purpose of preventing long term trauma, and finding peace in resolution of the unknown.

There are many reasons as to why commitment at this stage is essential. For the couple, some of these reasons include:

- Commitment provides hope. The 7-Step model offers hope, in that both the “coach” and the couple, understand what is needed to move forward towards completion. By encouraging the couple through the steps, providing clarity, empathy, and new tools for connection, the hope for positive long term change and a fresh relationship can be established. Hope is the strongest human motivator. - Committing to not divorce. Having the couple work on their relationship and not © Copyright 2015 by The Infidelity Recovery Institute, all rights reserved 19

focusing on the socially expected move towards getting a divorce. Divorce is often an emotional decision made in haste, and fueled with fear created by the legal system. - Commitment to the process of repair; to the years they have already put into their relationship and the personal responsibility to try a different approach to overcome the current challenges. - Committed to not contacting the lover during the time of coaching, and respecting the primary relationship, no matter what their current emotional needs crave. - Commitment to transparency

- Commitment to better understanding each others needs – regardless if the intent is to stay together of not. Quite often, couples just do not know HOW to express their love for each other, and HOW to make the other happy. Many couples or spouses will give you various excuses why they do not want to commit: “I do not have time for this”, “we do not have this kind of money”, etc.

In these cases, draw their attention to the alternative: if the couple separates without coaching, one way or the other, they will need to find time to work on the relationship, the finances, the children and the future.

SESSION PLAN

During this session you will review with the couple:

1. Their presenting concerns (either together or separate as suggested in the Intake information above) 2. Review the Contract of the 7 Step Program a. No contact with the 3rd Party during counseling/coaching b. 10 to 15 hours QT c. Monologues d. HW & Changes in Rituals e. Learning communication 3. The first exercise – Letter to the Lover 4. Discussion – Creating Transparency

5. Provide the client with the Rituals of Love Template, so they can start to track their time and effort, and have a road map for what is expected of them moving forward.

6. Review Gottman’s 4 Horsemen

Homework for Couple ü Letter to the affair partner exercise ü Transparency to begin the trust rebuilding process Most of this session will be listening the client talk about the affair. You are there to offer understanding and non- judgmental support. Do not let the couple fight. If they are angry, they are to express themselves to you, or express their feeling to the other. Do not forget, that the reason they are in this mess is exactly because they cannot communicate! ü Monologue – Introduction of the monologues is extremely beneficial to the betrayed spouse, who now has the chance to express their hurt and feelings with their spouse paying full attention. ü 20 minutes x 3 per person, per week ü No interruption ü First week suggestion – Each person to discuss emotions, feelings, lack of feelings, fears etc

STEP 1 TIPS My Overview.

I start the first session by explaining the segments of the first hour: I will listen to their story, ask questions, and tell them what I think I can do to help. They can ask questions, then I will leave the room and they can discuss the options I have provided. I will return when they are ready and make assignments for our next visit if they want to see me. I tell them that I will need at least 10 minutes to make the assignments, to sign their contract, and to answer any questions that might have come up in their discussion. If they decide not to see me, I try and help them find another therapist

AFFAIR TYPE: Listening to their story, I am looking for the stress points, the class of infidelity, and the degree to which both spouses know and understand why this happened to them.

CONTRACT: As I introduce the contract, I make the following statement: "I am asking each of you to sign this agreement that commits you to the process of counseling. This is not an agreement to stay in the marriage and I ask you not to talk about the future of the marriage until we are at least halfway thru the counseling process.”

ISSUES: Filed Divorce: If a divorce has been filed, I stress the need to do this kind of counseling while still in the marriage. Otherwise, each will take their hurts, inability to trust, and anger into the next relationship. The therapist will often have to calm the anxieties of a spouse who wants out of the relationship and only came to this first visit to "satisfy" the other spouse and to get them "off their back.” Spousal Separation: If spouses are living apart, I tell them at this point that, in order to see me, they have to commit to moving back to the same residence by the time we are halfway thru our contracted time. They don't have to be sleeping in the same bed, but they do have to be in the same home. The reason for this requirement is for both of them to feel assured that at the end of our time together, the conclusion they reach for their future is the one and only choice that can be made. They won't know this for sure until they have tried living together in this recovery period. Of course we ensure the affair is not continuing, as this is also common, where the unfaithful spouse keeps their options open.

Couple Specific Issues: I take these verbally on a legal pad, alternating between the spouses, and leave the left margin open for the review numbers that will take place around session 5 or 6. I often ask the history of this difficulty, when it changed, has it ever been better, would they recognize it if they experienced the change, how would that change the marriage, etc.

Homework: After reviewing the contract, I assign:

• the monologues (I explain in great detail how they need to do their monologues.) • the letter to the lover • Gottman’s 4 Horsemen • The Rituals for QT

Same Page: I also stress in this first session how important it is for all of us to have the same body of information if we are going to work together—one more reason for complete and full disclosure.

Four Week Questioning: I tell the spouse that he/she may have 4 weeks to ask anything they want to know about the affair. My favorite statement is to say to the wife, "You can only forgive what you know. You can't forgive what you don't know." I remind the wife that it will be painful but it is the only way to start rebuilding trust, both in her and for her husband. She will have more to forgive, but her intuition will tell her when she has heard the entire story that she needs to hear. I often use the analogy of their financial planner suddenly telling them that he caused them to lose $100,000 and he is calling to ask forgiveness. Obviously, they would want to know all of the details before they granted any forgiveness and the same is true here as well.

• Should questions arise after the 4 weeks are up, I give the spouse the following writing assignment:

• “Write the question that you want to ask your spouse. Hand the question over to your spouse. Your spouse will be much more inclined to hear the question and think about the response knowing that you have taken the time to write it down and wait for the answer.”

• On the other hand, I tell the infidel that he cannot just answer the question with the response, “I don't know," or " I forgot.” Instead, if he can't remember, he must tell the spouse, “I will think about it and get back to you in 48 hours." With this statement, the spouse is able to let go of the question and the infidel now carries the responsibility to provide an answer. If he still can't recall the answer, the spouse will still be free from the obsession that often accompanies what is felt to be a refusal to disclose information.

Handout in Tools Section

LETTER TO THE AFFAIR PARTNER EXERCISE:

1. The unfaithful spouse prepares a letter to the lover that communicates how much suffering the affair caused the betrayed spouse and how thoughtless it was, a desire to rebuild the marriage, and that all contact would be terminated forever.

2. The betrayed spouse reads the letter and approves of it before it's sent. If the betrayed spouse does not feel like the letter is sincere then they ask for the letter to be re- written.

3. After the letter is sent (or emailed), extraordinary precautions that we'll explain in the next step are taken to avoid future contact with the lover.

4. Should they both decide against sending the letter, then the betrayed spouse decides on what to do with the letter.

5. You also discuss the action plan on what to do when the “lover” responds either now or in the future. Because they will!

Create transparency

When a wayward spouse ends the affair, and agrees to rebuild the marriage, extraordinary precautions must be taken to guarantee that there will be no relapses.

Affairs thrive on what we call a secret second life. It's what you do under the radar. You know, or at least suspect, that your spouse wouldn't approve, so a part of your life is hidden from him or her. When a spouse is able to come and go without any accountability, people can have an affair with relative impunity. The temptation of an affair is great because there's practically nothing to stop them.

So we encourage couples to end their secret second lives by being transparent in the way they live their lives. It not only guards against affairs, but it also helps create intimacy and build compatibility. It's not a punishment for bad behavior – it's an essential ingredient for a healthy marriage.

Transparency occurs when couples reveal as much information about themselves as they can - thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, past history, daily activities, and future plans.

Nothing should be hidden. Passwords, email, text messages, telephone logs, computer histories, and all other forms of communication are made readily available to a spouse. The affair has broken a sacred bond between the couple, and the betrayed now feels like they do not know their spouse. The unfaithful partner owes the betrayed partner this level of security.

Extraordinary circumstances need extraordinary measures. An unwillingness to provide this information will deeply affect the affair recovery process, and the chance for a close relationship in the future is unlikely.

Suggestions for discussion

Create a twenty-four-hour-a-day schedule of each other’s whereabouts.

Such a schedule is essential in a great marriage, because spouses who are partners in life check with each other throughout the day to coordinate their decisions and activities. This can include several phone calls during the day as well.

Ask the client, “How does this twenty-four-hour-a-day checking feel?” Admittedly, it can feel quite annoying at first. Generally, people in affairs have been accustomed to an independent lifestyle. The idea of transparency feels unnatural and intrusive.

Typically a straying spouse, confronted with the demands of transparency and having no contact with their former lover responds with total depression. They are trying to save their marriage, but they now feel miserable and trapped. Sometimes, the betrayed spouse will complain that they do not wish to be a “prison warden”. They do not want to be checking emails and phones. I insist that during the next 90 days they must introduce habits and routines they would not normally do, because affairs are not something they normally have to recover from either!

RITUALS FOR LOVE

The IRI 7 Step Program begins with retraining the couple to be affectionate with each other, like they were when they were courting.

NOTE: If they say we were never affection with each other then don’t let them think you are a miracle worker. If the relationship was built on quick sand, then it will go where it should go! Down!

We will review 3 new Rituals For Love in our lesson:

2. Acts of Affection 3. Monologues

Quality Time

It is a condition of this program the couple agrees on committing 10 to 15 hours per week working on the relationship. Regardless if they plan to continue with the marriage or not.

Acts of affection

For love to grow and blossom, it requires the release of oxytocin. Oxytocin is a powerful hormone. When we hug or kiss a loved one, oxytocin levels drive up. It also acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain. In fact, the hormone plays a huge role in pair bonding. Prairie voles, one of nature's most monogamous species, produce oxytocin in spades.

So one of our goals in Infidelity Recovery, is to increase the oxytocin levels in our clients feelings towards each other ASAP.

Depending on how the couple feels about touch, they have a few options on how they will increase their oxytocin levels. As coaches, we monitor the couples “acts of affection” with the 21 Day Ritual Chart.

Monologues

The rules of the monologue are that there is no interruption when the other is speaking.

20 Minute timed monologues are the best exercise in this program for these reasons:

ü Set timed monologues allow for meaningful conversation without interruption

ü Conflict avoidance couples are requested to have conversations they would never otherwise have.

ü The betrayed spouse can talk about their hurt or the affair, and have the infidel listen, instead of walking away or arguing.

ü The Infidel will find relief in knowing that there is an end to the “affair” conversation.

STEP 2 – AFFAIR STORY

SESSION OVERVIEW

You may need 2 to 3 sessions to work through this very difficult step. No matter what the affair type, the betrayed spouse deserves the respect, to gain closure through being able to process the betrayal of the spouse.

1. The story of the affair 2. The Apology

Ø This is most probably the 2nd or 3rd session, and should be within a few days of the first session, at latest 1 week from 1st session. Ø Individual sessions are maybe required at this time for both people. Both people need specific advice on their next steps.

Sometimes the affair story has not always been told to the betray spouse. Quite often the betrayed spouse has found an email or seen a text message from a 3rd party. Seeing this is devastating enough.

This may even be the reason why the couple first presents for therapy. The betrayed threatens to leave and the infidel reacts by seeking counseling. Neither one truly knows what they are doing. Everybody is just reacting.

So as an infidelity recovery coach our first role is to assess the “affair type”. And unless it is an exit affair we are quite confident we can overcome the challenge.

Time for an individual session?

Both people have personal pieces they would like to add to the story in private.

For example, some women who have put on a massive amount of weight over the years may feel uncomfortable talking about weight issues in front of their husband, but would like to privately confide about their insecurity in the bedroom. I note this down, so when we get into the exercises in sex and intimacy, I am sensitive around her body image issues. I will also look at their lifestyle and recreational activities, and factor this into my treatment plan.

But the main reason for an individual session with the infidel is to help them disclose the truth.

Everybody has a problem with honesty that is sitting in front of you!

The Affair Story Overview Here we want the Infidel to disclose the affair to the spouse, at the level of detail the spouse needs (some people need all the details, and some only need the basics). In order to create a safe environment for the story to be shared, we teach the couple techniques in communication & conflict resolution.

Strategies such as “timed monologues”, or a written affair disclosure letter are used, to assist in the Infidel to explain what they did, so the couple can move forward. The betrayed spouse will feel that the “intrusive thoughts” over the details of the affair reduce after disclosure.

This can be a highly stressful time for the infidel, who feels they will hurt their spouse more with the details of the affair, however not knowing the details is more damaging to the relationship. ALWAYS, the infidel reports great person relief from the total disclosure.

It is a heavy weight for a person to live under such a lie. Remember that the unfaithful spouse is a person too! They often did not mean to be in the situation they are in right now. I am not asking for you to have pity on them, but your judgment and criticism will have them withdraw from treatment, and perhaps back to the lover!

After the betrayed spouse understands the affair story, the infidel writes the apology letter. This is not asking for forgiveness from the betrayed spouse.

We also help the couple look at their relationship environment – and continue to introduce new healthy rituals to facilitate communication and friendship, leading to intimacy.

Understanding what happened provides a safe foundation on which you can begin to rebuild the relationship.

To move forward, couples need to come to an understanding of their history. Regardless of the type of affair, the story of what has happened needs to make sense to both husband and wife. Peggy Vaughan in her e-book hypothesized: “A couple is more likely to stay married after the affair when they thoroughly discuss the whole situation.”

In Peggy’s Survey of 1083 Betrayed Spouses: o 55% of those who discussed the situation very little were still married (living together)

o 78% of those who discussed the situation a good bit were still married (and living together) o 86% of those who discussed the situation a lot were still married (and living together) © Copyright 2015 by The Infidelity Recovery Institute, all rights reserved 29

She concluded that the amount the affair was discussed with the partner was significantly associated with present marital status.

A second hypothesis stated: “a couple is more likely to stay married when the spouse answers their questions.” • 59% of those refused to answer questions were still married (and living together) • 81% of those whose partner answered some of their questions were still married (and living together) • 86% of those whose partners answered all their questions were still married (and living together)

She concluded that the extent to which the partner answered questions was significantly associated with present marital status.

Research clearly supports the benefit of couples exploring what has happened. Understanding what occurred allows both parties to rally around solutions.

Betrayed partners usually ask the following things: • Is this the first time that you were unfaithful? Was this time similar or different? • How did you meet? • Why did you feel the need to have an affair? • Where did it happen? • How did it happen? • Did you feel guilty? • How could it go on so long if you knew that it was wrong? • Did you buy him/her gifts? • Did you think about me at all? • What does she / he know that I don't? * • What does she / he give you that I don't? * • Why is she/he more attractive then I am? * • What did you like about yourself in the affair? Were you different? • Did you have unprotected sex? • Did you do this or that with him / her? * • How much did you tell him / her about us? • Did you talk about a future together?

Please note that comparison questions serve little or no benefit. They create intrusive thoughts and complicate the healing process. However, they pop up all the time. As a coach, try not to insist on them! © Copyright 2015 by The Infidelity Recovery Institute, all rights reserved 30

Why is it necessary to tell the affair story?

PREPARING FOR DISCLOSURE – CLIENT ADVICE

Step two is the moment when the betraying partner has to tell the story of the affair.

The detail level should be exactly the level that the betrayed partner needs and accepts. Not less, not more. Understanding and knowing is necessary for forgiveness!

Too much detail creates additional problems with intrusive thoughts. The hurt spouse might want to know what happened, where it happened, how often it happened, if there are potential health risks, and when it began and ended, but questions comparing themselves to the affair partner serve little or no benefit. It is these comparison questions that ultimately create intrusive thoughts and complicate the healing process and getting through an affair.

ADVICE FOR YOUR CLIENT: • I find that carefully telling the story from beginning to end is the best way to relay the information. Far too often the story is told piecemeal, as the hurt spouse ask questions and the unfaithful spouse tries to answer. This leaves gaps in the timeline causing problems later. • When you finish telling the story, please don’t say..... "that’s everything". You’re far better off realizing that you’ve told everything you remember at that moment, but there’s always the possibility that other memories will come to mind and/or your mate may not have heard everything and will later be devastated if more information comes to light. • Tell them you’re committed to honestly answering their questions and exploring not only what happened, but also why it happened.

LETTER WRITING DISCLOSURE o You will need to put the story of the affair onto paper. The affair story should be written in as much detail as you feel there spouse can handle. o You should tell your spouse that you are doing this task and will have it done within 24 to 72 hours. o When complete, consider “the letter” as a first draft o The letter is given to the betrayal spouse with respect, and without resentment or negative comment. o The betrayed spouse will need time to process the letter and feel grieve the contents. The infidel should expect many questions to arise from this letter, and for a rewrite or edit of the letter. o Monologues help greatly during this time, to express the feelings and pain arising from the submission, and for the couple to bond through “being there” during periods of great stress. Trust is being rebuilt during these moments.

CHECK POINT

By this point you have done the following before proceeding to the apology:

Couple/Client has: ü Disclosed the affair (did the infidel complete the letters to the lover/s) ü Story of affair letter completed ü The story of the affair has been accepted by the betrayed spouse ü Has A same-sex friend who is in favor of the relationship ü Working daily on the rituals of love ü Learning to communicate without the 4 horsemen entering the conversation

You have: ü Determined Affair Type ü Introduced concepts of o Quality Time o Monologues o Transparency o Active listening o The 4 Horsemen

You can now move the couple forward to the exercise of the “apology”.

The Apology

Depending on the Type of Affair, you can offer your client two options: 1. Verbal Apology 2. The 6 Steps to a Heart Felt Apology

The “Apology” is simply that…an apology. We are not asking the betrayed partner for forgiveness at this stage and in fact we discourage it.

Often, the betrayed partner will say the infidel has not apologized as yet for what they have done. So a formal apology is required.

The apology is better accepted at this stage, after a week or two of communication exercises and monologues, so the couple has a chance to build empathy and listening skills.

As a therapist, you can talk with your client about how to give an effective apology. Sometimes, the client can view the 6 Steps to a Heart Felt Apology and pick up a few ideas on how to apologize more effectively.

“6 Steps to a Heart Felt Apology”

The Infidelity Recovery Institute has created “6 Steps to a Heart Felt Apology”.

These 6 steps are available as resources to you and your clients. Look under Step 2 – The Affair Story in your TOOLS.

You can use and adapt these steps as long as The Infidelity Recovery Institute is given credit in your references. Excerpt from the Infidelity Recovery Institute Online Home Study Course for Couples.

Summary:

• Affairs do not heal by themselves. They require explanation. • Healing will not being, until the betrayed partner is able to process what happened. • The betraying partner should tell the story of the affair exactly the way the betrayed partner wants to hear it. • This is the only way for the betrayed partner to heal and let go of the intrusive thoughts. • The story has to make sense, this is the only way for them to move forward! • This is the solid foundation that they need in order to save the marriage. • The simple truth is this: the more the partners discuss the affair, the more likely that they stay together. We have statistical data to prove it. • Discussing the affair provides clarity even for those who have been unfaithful (increased self-understanding). • The betraying partner should answer questions to their best ability • Betraying partners should not lie about details, because that creates suspicion. If they are unsure about specific details, then say “I really have forgotten.” Do not make up a story to help the betrayed partner. • All missing pieces should be accounted for (in detail, if necessary: phone calls, calendars etc.). • All in all: you cannot be close to someone you lie to. • The relationship cannot be rebuilt on a foundation of secrecy. The ongoing lies will compound overtime and effect the quality of the relationship in the future.

STEP 3 – PERSONAL HEALING

SESSION OVERVIEW Individual sessions can help bring to the surface the truth behind the relationship issues. As therapists, this step will bring to surface the personal injuries and wounds, which will require recognition.

1. Recommend individual sessions to explore personal challenges with emotions, relationship & depression 2. Recommend to begin the couple exercise - MSTL 3. Understanding the impact of FOO – Exercise FOO workbook 4. Optional – My Contribution List

NOTE – For some couples and situations, keeping the couple together in therapy is best. You can choose to work on specific personal issues or as a couple work on the FOO Activity.

Additional Digging Deeper Work Ø MSTL Ø My Contribution List Ø Family Of Origin If Trained: Ø Prepare Enrich – Couple & Family Maps (if trained) Ø EFT – Fight Cycle – have the couple understand their fight cycle.

Monologue TW Ø Family of Origin Relationships

Introduction to Personal Healing

It is difficult to treat the infidelity when the client is a deeply traumatized state. On many occasions I have recommended the client seek medical attention for depression, PTSD, anxiety, sex addiction, drug addiction etc BEFORE they start on the Infidelity Recovery Program. It is hard for a couple to work through the issues surrounding the affair if both people are not able to participate.

Often we need to work with an individual by himself or herself to provide them with personal coaching. Many females loose their confidence and self love during this time. Men often struggle with staying in the relationship, as the thought of their wife being with another man is overwhelming.

Family History of Infidelity: It is usually in this session that I raise the question about the family history of infidelity. We discuss how to find out that family history, who to talk to, what to ask, how to explain why they would ask such a question, what benefit it might provide the two of them in their recovery, what that individual wishes they had done differently in hindsight, how that individual handled it, etc. This often provokes a very powerful intergenerational discussion between the spouses.

Remember that as a coach, you are helping two people recover. You should acknowledge that cheaters have feelings, too. They face emotional trials, too. They will feel intense feelings of guilt, shame, fear, anger, hopelessness, feeling condemned and loneliness. Our end goal is to have two emotionally calm people ready to make the best possible decisions for their families and their life.

As therapists & psychologists, you are trained to help people process emotions. The assumption is you have your own tools you current use with your clients. If you would like to review or discuss my methods, please email me. If you would like to review The Affair Recovery Course for Couples reviews theses sections, you will find the guide, and the handouts on the course training download page. http://infidelityrecoveryinstitute.com/7-step-infidelity-recovery-program- professional-training/ The Top 8 Emotions Ø Betrayal Ø Guilt Ø Disappointment Ø Anger Ø Vengefulness Ø Fear Ø Frustration Ø Paranoid Feelings

Obsessions

In some cases people become completely consumed with thoughts about the affair.

Obsessive thinking is marked by an ongoing stream of negative thoughts that carry on even when you are trying not to have them. These thoughts seem to have a life of their own. When people are bound up in obsessive thinking after an affair, they are only able to put thoughts or images of the affair out their head for a short time.

Changing Your vision: A visualization for overcoming obsessive Images - http://infidelityrecoveryinstitute.com/7-step-infidelity-recovery-program- professional-training/

Managing Emotions For The Unfaithful Partner

o How to Cope with Your emotions and Restore trust with Your Partner o The seven common feelings that you will likely experience. o How to overcome your negative emotions. o How to be sensitive to your partner’s needs. o How you can become transparent so you can regain your partner’s trust.

The Affair Recovery Course for Couples reviews theses sections. It maybe useful to read over this once to understand the emotions of the unfaithful person, and if there is a tip you can use from the guide please do so. http://infidelityrecoveryinstitute.com/7-step-infidelity-recovery-program- professional-training/

COUPLE HOMEWORK

Marriage Satisfaction Timeline (MSTL) As a couple exercise for HOMEWORK, the Marriage Satisfaction Timeline (MSTL) should be given at this point. It could be seen as the first HW exercise you set for the couple, that is positive.

This exercise was designed to help the couple focus on the good in the relationship, not just the betrayed partner looking back at the entire relationship as “false”, “Fake”, “a lie”, “nothing was ever good”.

The emphasis is on SATISFACTION. This exercise can take a number of weeks to complete for the average couple for various reasons, but ensure you put it in your “follow up” questions to check on progress. All clients who complete this exercise feel better about their relationship and themselves.

There is a copy of the MSTL in your Coaching Folder. I also recommend doing this exercise with your own relationship (if you have one), and if you do not, you can do this exercise as a Life Satisfaction Time Line. It will help you to explain the exercise to your clients.

Advice for couples (doing the MSTL)

A high percentage of couples not planning to stay married also balk at the contents and exercises of this step. Comments often include statements like, “If we were going to stay together, this would be great.” OR “It’s too late to do this kind of stuff.” OR “I’m still so angry that I can’t think of anything good about this marriage.” To all of which I respond by saying, “You didn’t always feel this way, and if you walk away from this marriage, you must walk away with an appropriate “good/bad” split.”

If one spouse makes the marriage “all bad” and the affair partner ”all good” it only creates a setup for failure in all future relationships; exactly the reason why divorce rates increase as the number of marriages goes up.

I instruct couples to go back to better times in their marriage, when they felt differently about each other. I also provide a strong caution to the spouse (in front of the adulterer) who wants to stay married, not to read into this information anything more than face value—we have had some good times and we’ve had some bad times.

The strong caution allows the adulterer to give his full consideration to the good times he has experienced in the marriage. It also will keep the spouse from pleading, begging, or in some other way attempting to keep the marriage intact by making the adulterer feel guilty. Most adulterers, by the time I see the couple, will acknowledge, that the affair partner also has problems. However, that drug of infatuation is so powerful that the adulterer will make statements to the effect that; “I have never loved my wife” or “We have never been close.” Working on a balanced good/bad split actually allows the adulterer to privately weigh his choices carefully. If the spouse is constantly pushing for reconciliation of the marriage, the adulterer will feel it necessary to defend his actions by making the marriage all bad.

Should the marriage not make it, this also sets up an appropriate sadness, a resignation that if we’d gotten help earlier, we might have been able to do things differently. It is always better to leave a marriage “sad” than to leave it “mad” at each other. I have found that most couples will agree on four Marriage Satisfaction Experiences” even if they are still planning on a divorce at this point. This reflection, without any pressure from the spouse, will often move the couple to consider reconciliation. Again I remind the couple that making an affair “all good” when compared to the marriage is a setup for disappointment in any future relationship. I have come to believe that many adulterers actually marry their partner in an attempt to get away from the criticism of a spouse who was always attacking the spouse and the girlfriend. Nothing in life is all good I remind them, so balance the marital interactions prior to leaving this relationship.

COUPLE SESSION ACTIVITY - FOO

This activity is helpful for the couple to develop empathy for each others past, and can help in rebuilding the couples bond. The therapist will be able to help the client with these wounds in future sessions (if the client desires).

As I introduce this exercise, I tell the couple that we're not looking for “causes” or “to place blame,” but I emphasize that each is going to look at their own parents' marriage as a conditioning process that prepared them for their own marriage.

Some of the preparation was positive and some of it was negative, but all of it needs to be identified and understood if both want to work together to create the marriage they’ve always wanted. Most of us have only seen one marriage up close and personal for an extended period of time and modeling is a very powerful behavioral determinant. This discovery process is going to be built around first identifying your parents’ interactions according to the items that are listed, followed by the “bridge” phrase, “and as a result,” then the summary, “in my marriage I did or did not do...”.

Remind the couple to discuss these topics openly and frequently throughout the process as the spouse's insight will be invaluable. Many individuals have expressed surprise and even shock at the influence the family of origin has had on their marital pattern. All of us assume that what we experience is normal, when in fact it is often anything but that.

As with all activities, begin the activity in session, and the remaining work is to be done at home, and through monologues.

You can print out a copy of the below workbook for each person. A copy is available in the TOOLS section.

F.O.O Workbook

Your Parents' Marriage

Each of us brings to the marriage preconceived ideas about how the marriage should work. Most of these ideas are framed in response to our reactions and responses to the marriage we watched as a child. In many cases, even though in reality as young marrieds we were quite uncertain about how a marriage really works, we acted as though we were completely knowledgeable. Who wants to appear "stupid" at one of life's most basic relationships? Besides, where do you go to get trained on how to live in a marriage? And even beyond this, few of us in late adolescence and the early adult years had any clue about what our real, unmet needs were. We just knew that we wanted to get married.

This is not meant to be harsh. All you have to do is look at Hollywood. Celebrities spend their entire lives trying to find the perfect spouse who will meet all their needs. Though divorce is quite painful, do you think that stops them? Of course not! They usually put together a string of marriages that would stagger us "normal people." (Whatever "normal" means!)

So in this session we take a thorough look at the only marriage most of us have experienced (before our own), the marriage of our parents.

If you grew up in a single-parent family or a blended family, skip this section and go immediately to the next section. (If you had both parents of origin for five years and/or later had a blended family, complete this section and then the next section as well.)

Blended Family and Single-Parent Family

As you consider the blended family or single-parent family you grew up in, do not just concentrate on the facts of your family, but also think in terms of how those facts have impacted your marriage. This might be painful, it might open up some old wounds, and it will probably require you to talk with some siblings or step-siblings about this family dynamic.

It is safe to say that many marriages and subsequent affairs are futile attempts to meet a parental deficit

When a woman doesn't have a biological father present growing up, for example, she often hopes a husband can fill some of her unmet needs. Significantly, if her mother was struggling to survive economically, the mother probably didn't have much time or energy to care for the children emotionally. One of her daughters marries, secretly hoping that her spouse will meet some of those needs.

That is why this work is necessary—for the prevention of future infidelity.

How did you handle the following issues common to this family pattern?

1. Loss of parent: ______

2. Loss of friends and neighborhood: ______

3. Loss of grandparents/extended family: ______

4. Adjustment to lower economic status: ______

5. Adjustment to visitation/different family space: ______

6. Adjustment to different family rules/schedules: ______

7. Adjustment to custodial parent dating/remarrying: ______

8. Weekend living in the blended family: ______

______

9. Connecting to stepparent: ____________

10. Connecting to the absent biological parent who has a new spouse: ______

11. Connecting to new space (bedroom, privacy issues): ______

12. Connecting to siblings, step- and half-siblings: ______

Unique Family Settings

If your family went through any of the following experiences when you were a child, write about how that situation has impacted your marriage.

1. Death of a family member: ______

2. Chronic illness that impacted parents/family schedule: ______

3. Multiple moves/transfers/parents' poor job history: ______

4. Grandparents living in the home/children living with grandparents: ______

5. Living with individuals other than parents/foster parents/adoption history: ______

6. Large inheritances, windfalls, and financial reversals: ______

Monologue

Take some time to answer these questions, and use the answers for your monologues this week.

What overriding impression do I now have of my family's influence on the infidelity in my marriage? ______

What new insights did I develop going through this exercise . . .

. . . about my family of origin and their interactions?

1. ______

2. ______

3. ______

. . . about the selection of my spouse and the initial purpose of my marriage?

1. ______

2. ______

3. ______

. . . about the development of our marital interactions?

1. ______

2. ______

3. ______

Contribution List:

If you would like to assign the Contribution List Activity with the couple, I will usually assign this in this session.

A lot depends on the frequency and schedule of appointments. Many of my clients do a lot of business travel, so the time and schedules can vary substantially. Because it is an individual exercise, this is a good exercise to assign if one of the spouses is going to be traveling a bit. I introduce this assignment by explaining that no one is a perfect spouse and the each of them has contributed to the deterioration of the relationship over time.

Stress that these contributions never justify an affair, but they do contribute to lower marital satisfaction levels that in turn can make a spouse vulnerable to another’s attention. Tell the client that you will not see this list, but that they will eventually create a Marital Forgiveness Letter from these contents. The reading of this letter will serve as a “practice run” for the affair forgiveness letter.

This does not diminish the importance of this effort because it is this exercise that allows the spouse to leave the bad experiences in the marriage should they decide to divorce and move on.

This also paves the way for the necessary respect and trust to start growing. Remind them to keep this list confidential and to do “the empty chair” work before they start writing the forgiveness letter.

Empty Chair Work: Assign this exercise after each spouse feels like they have completed their contribution list. It is easy for me to demonstrate this exercise in my office because all of my chairs have rollers on them, but you can use a couch as well. I sit on the couch, with my right arm on the back, have my list in my left hand, and pretend that my spouse is sitting next to me. Out loud, I tell my spouse that I have finished my contribution list, that I am going to read it to her, and that I want her to tell me what other items I need to add to it. After the reading, instruct the spouse to be quiet and to “listen” to what the spouse would tell him if she had actually heard the reading of this list.

STEP 4 – SEX & INTIMACY

LESSON OVERVIEW:

• Goals o Goal to have the couple reconnect sexually asap o Take the couple out of their comfort zone o Ask about STDs o Intimacy needs to be the environment of the relationship, & sex the main event. Teach the client the difference between intimacy & sex. o Talk about what is “normal” in other couples bedrooms. It is important to educate our couples so to break limiting beliefs, and myths • IN THIS LESSON: o Sexual Fulfillment o Intimacy Monologues o Intimacy Interview o Re-establishing a sex life • Client HW o Non Sexual Touch o Foreplay Map o Mind-mapping o Date Night o Acts of affection

Monologue TW – Intimacy Monologue

The Sex Starved Marriage

Sex & Friendship in a relationship are as necessary as Air & Water. Without these two elements, the relationship is a ticking time bomb. Not all relationships will be ready for sex, but they need to introduce intimacy immediately.

The couple may be in pain, but that will not prevent unmeet needs from being satisfied. This could mean continued infidelity. It is our role to help the couple re- engage in their sex life by providing education and exercises.

Unless there is sex addiction as the cause of the affair, the work you have done with the couple so far (improving communication and reducing conflict resolution) will help them build their friendship) so now they can look at exercises in intimacy.

It is important to coach/educate your clients on what is “healthy and normal” to the average married couple. Over the years, couples form their own patterns/dance, and many couples have a less than satisfactory sex life. They many not admit to this at first, but once they feel comfortable with you as a coach the truth will come out.

In the IRI 7 Step Course, Sex & Intimacy has its own Step, because Sex & Intimacy is a major component of what keeps a relationship alive & monogamous. Relationships that do not have a healthy sex life WILL BE IN RISK OF FUTURE INFIDELITY.

You will need to examine your own fears and comfort levels on talking about sex. This is a very important step, and it cannot be overlooked.

At this phase, many clients will tell you up front that they are not ready to be intimate again with their straying spouse. That is alright. The feeling is normal, and sometimes mutual. After working with a few clients you will see that an affair can shake people to the core, so hard that in fact the last thing that they want to think about is sex and intimacy. People do not want to think about being vulnerable when they are hurt, ashamed, or just simply afraid. Being intimate means being vulnerable. That is something our clients need to relearn. It takes time. It takes practice. However, the longer they wait, the more anxious and “weird” the idea of sex and intimacy becomes – until the couple finds themselves as “friends” or more commonly “roommates.”

NO romantic relationship is solvable without restoring intimacy.

Sexual History of Infidelity Couples

While the following is not true for all couples, many couples you will see will have the following unhealthy sexual pattern/s: Ø Sex less then 12 times per year Ø Use to rejecting the partner & sex Ø Pattern: o Bid for connection (Vulnerability) o Rejection o Anger > sexual withdrawal o Resentment > sexual anorexia o End of Marriage or Infidelity

Sex – in long term relationships, is putting our partners needs above our own. The couple must develop a new mantra and understanding of sex immediately.

SEX SESSION STRUCTURE

1. Have the couple complete the Sexual Fulfillment Worksheet (or any other worksheet in the Tools) either before session, or in the waiting room. I have them do this privately, and not share responses. 2. Talk about the couple’s sexual history – before the affair. You can use the discussion questions, or from the past session notes. 3. Review the Sexual Fulfillment Worksheets. Both people may not be 100% honest on this form, and I would explore this more in private sessions (if avail) or during the Emotional Needs session. Discuss the difference between what they were doing sexual v’s what they wrote on their form 4. Present Moment – Talk about why sex & intimacy is necessary for affair recovery. 5. Discuss what the couple would be willing to do as homework, to move forward. Talk about sex being different from forgiveness (and sex does not mean the affair is forgotten.) a. Phase A – Intimate Conversation b. Phase B – Physical Connection 6. Date Night/Acts of Affection – if not already included in the couples rituals, should be done so now 7. Discuss the intimacy monologue & interview exercise

Discussion Points

Talking about sex can be awkward for both you and your clients, but in either case, sex must be discussed to process the affair and repair the relationship.

You may have already discussed the clients’ sex life during Step 3 – Personal Healing. Having a private talk with your client about satisfaction in the bedroom may have also occurred during the very first visit. However, if it had not occurred by now, it is time for the discussion now.

Prepare Enrich will have the assessment and feedback for the couples satisfaction in the bedroom, so this is often an easy launching place to discuss Sexual Satisfaction.

Be gentle and non-judgmental when clients discuss their sex life. The clients’ personal sexual preferences are not our concern. We are only coaching the couple back to re-establishing positive normal sexual behavior.

Sexual touch, correction of communication patterns, and creating new positive love rituals will reboot their relationship.

Here are a few that are usually important to discuss in detail:

• How has the affair affected your sex life? • What are some of your barriers to being Intimate with your partner right now? • What does the relationship environment look like before the affair discovery? Was it romantic? Was it filled with intimacy? • How often does the couple go on date nights? If they have stopped, why? What do they think this has done to their relationship? • Where does the client stand? Are they ready to resume their sexual activities? Yes, no, maybe? • The frequency of sex. Our needs are different in this department. There is no such thing as “normal” frequency. “Normal frequency” is all about mutual agreement, about mutual respect. Partners usually have different sex drives and that is okay. But couples should be able to understand this fact and work around it so that both of them are completely satisfied. • Men and women usually have different approaches to pornography (and sex for that matter). Is watching porn is a part of their sex life? Is it a thing that they do / watch together in order to spice up their intimacies, to draw ideas from or to show each other what they fantasize about? Or is it a solitary thing for one partner, instead of having a satisfactory, healthy sex life? Evidently, if one partner is addicted to pornography, if it is a supplement, that makes all the difference. Most probably they need professional help. Do not forget to refer them to one of our strategic partners. • Note that men and women fall in love differently, and if necessary, talk about it with your couple: women need to feel loved in order to have sex and men need to have sex in order to feel loved. It might not be true in every case, but keep this in mind, because in most cases, that is how it goes.

• The couple needs to talk about what they like in bed. In order to do that, the foreplay plan might be a good tool. It can be an exercise they can do at home. • They have to talk about STDs, especially if the straying partner participated in another relationship without proper protection. Often enough, the fear of STDs is what is behind the fear of the betrayed partner. The betraying spouse not only should accept this as a fact, but they also should do the necessary medical tests to put the other's mind at ease. You would not believe the number of people infected that come across our offices! Be prepared for that. And remember, HIV/AIDS is not the only STD out there. There are other, utterly disgusting ones that one can catch if not careful. Therefore, going through this question thoroughly means just that: all questions answered, all test done, nothing hidden. Period. • The environment of their bedroom – does it lead to intimacy, or is it a kid zone?

Sexual Fulfillment Worksheet

In 2014 we began using this form (shown below), to start the session on Sex & intimacy. Have the couple complete the form in the waiting room before the session, or if you choose to give this as HW on the previous session.

Knowing that sex and intimacy is necessary in a relationship, this form is a realistic indication of the long-term relationship health.

I collect the forms from each person, and tell the couple they will receive the forms back at the end of the program…maybe.

Through reviewing the form and talking with your couple, your goal is to find the areas of improvement, and set their homework in that area.

The type of affair must be considered at this stage (see notes on affair type)

Select the answers, on a scale of 1-5, that best reflect your personal feelings about each question.

Please be open and honest in your responses.

1 = Strongly disagree 2 = Disagree a little 3 = Neither agree nor disagree

4 = Agree a little 5 = Strongly agree

1 2 3 4 5 I often feel something is missing from my present sex life. I often feel I don't have enough emotional closeness in my sex life. I feel content with how often I presently have sexual intimacy (kissing, intercourse, etc.) in my life. I don't have any important problems or concerns about sex (arousal, orgasm, frequency, compatibility, communication, etc.). My partner often gets defensive when I try discussing sex. My partner and I do not discuss sex openly enough with each other, or do not discuss sex often enough. I usually feel completely comfortable discussing sex whenever my partner wants to. I have no difficulty talking about my deepest feelings and emotions when my partner wants me to. I feel content with the way my present sex life is. My partner has no difficulty talking about their deepest feelings and emotions when I want them to. I often feel that my partner and I are not sexually compatible enough. I often feel my partner isn't sensitive or aware enough about my sexual likes and desires I often feel that my partner's beliefs and attitudes about sex are too different from mine I'm worried that my partner will become frustrated with my sexual difficulties. I sometimes think my partner and I are mismatched in needs and desires concerning sexual intimacy. I sometimes feel that my partner and I might not be physically attracted to each other enough. I sometimes think my partner and I are mismatched in our sexual styles and preferences. I'm worried that my partner will become frustrated with my sexual difficulties. I'm worried that my sexual difficulties will adversely affect my relationship. I'm worried that my partner may have an affair because of my sexual difficulties OR I’m worried my partner may continue to be unfaithful because of our sex life

I'm worried that my partner is sexually unfulfilled. I feel like I've disappointed my partner by having sexual difficulties. My sexual difficulties are frustrating me My sexual difficulties make me feel sexually unfulfilled. I'm worried that my sexual difficulties might cause me to seek fulfillment outside my relationship. I'm so distressed about my sexual difficulties that it affects the way I feel about myself. I'm so distressed about my sexual difficulties that it affects my own well being. My sexual difficulties annoy and anger me.

Please indicate which, if any, of the following sexual concerns you are currently experiencing:

o Pain during sex o Lack of interest or low sex drive o Difficulty achieving orgasm o Insufficient lubrication o Lack of information about sex o Vaginal tightness or difficulty with penetration o Frequency (too often) o Frequency (not often enough) o Fear, panic or anxiety while engaging in or thinking about sex o None of the above

Overall, how satisfactory or unsatisfactory is your present sex life? o Not at all o Not Very o Its ok o Very Satisfied o Completely Satisfied

A. Need for sexual fulfillment: Indicate how much you need sexual fulfillment by circling the appropriate number.

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 I have no need I have moderate need I have a great need

How often would you like your spouse to engage in sexual relations with you? ______times each day / week / month (circle one).

If your spouse does not engage in sexual relations with you as often as you indicated above, how does it make you feel (circle the appropriate letter)? a. Very unhappy. b. Neither happy nor unhappy. c. Somewhat unhappy d. Happy not to engage in sex.

B. Evaluation of sexual relations with your spouse: Indicate your satisfaction with your spouse’s sexual relations with you by circling the appropriate number.

-3 -2 -1 0 1 2 3 Extremely Dissatisfied Neither Extremely Satisfied

My spouse gives me (circle the appropriate letter) a. all the sex I need, and I like the way he/she does it. b. not enough sex, but when he/she does it, it is the way I like it. c. all the sex I need, but it is not the way I like it. d. not enough sex, and when we do have sex it is not the way I like it

Explain how your need for sexual fulfillment could be better satisfied in your marriage.

Date Night Most couples will have forgotten what it was like to date each other. The daily grind has taken over, and shopping for toilet paper takes priority over planning some time with the loved one. I have a “no excuses” approach. The couple must reestablish this positive routine to build an environment of fun, excitement, stories, and intimacy.

The key here is consistency. Action Step: Get your clients to do the following:

Ø schedule date night in the calendar Ø each take turns in planning out the weekly date night. Ø There should be NO excuses for missing a date night, other than sickness or work away from home. Ø Does not have to be expensive Ø Must dress up for each other Ø Must not talk about the affair on date night

Showing Affection

(You may choose to have the unfaithful spouse start affection acts from the beginning of the program. It will depend on the affair type.)

One of the reoccurring needs that is consistently not met, is the need for affection. People need to feel loved, wanted, desired, and special.

As babies, we form our bond to our caregivers based on them meeting our primary needs – food, shelter, affection/love. This primary need does not go away over time. We find it as adults in our romantic relationships. When we meet our partner, and marry, we trust that need will remain fulfilled. But over time some of us stop giving our partner this basic primary need. We stop the affection.

Affection in long term relationships is EXTREMELY important. You must give to give, not give to receive.

Action Step: The couple is now introduced to the concept of 6 Acts Of Affection. They are to do 6 affectionate things to each other each day, without expecting reciprocation.

Have the couple brainstorm what makes them feel good. Have the couple include this into their rituals. o Compliment her on 6 things every day. o Compliment him on 6 things every day.

Phase A – Intimate Conversation

INTIMACY MONOLGUE/INTERVIEW

The intimacy Monologue – follows the same format as the Timed Monologues but the topic is specifically on personal wants, needs, and desires in the bedroom.

An intimacy interview - is when one Stuck for ideas? Sometimes, “mind spouse interviews the other about their mapping” or “brainstorming” can help an wants. An interview could be for up to an individual open up to their desires, and hour or more, as long as both people are expressing their ideas. Like any enjoying the discussion. brainstorming exercise, have the couple or individual, write down ideas on paper, without thinking about it too long. Some ideas will be silly, others will need further exploration.

Phase B – Physical Connection

Ø Foreplay map exercise Ø Non- Sexual Touch Ø Sexual Variety Ø The Intimate Bedroom

NOTE - SEX ADDICTED AFFAIR TYPE

Sometimes, when working with an SA couple, I require 9 months of sobriety, a current 12 Step group, a sponsor, and individual therapy (unless the sex addiction was initiated in adulthood). Finally, I explore current recovery attitudes which I view as having four distinct stages: abstinence (stopping the behavior), sobriety (freedom from daily temptation—no “White-Knuckling”), serenity (loss of desire for the addictive behavior), and humility (living a life of simple gratitude while making no demands on the spouse or pronouncements about how much you have changed).

The interpreter of the stage is the spouse; she determines the stage at which she is experiencing her husband’s behavior. If the SA spouse is still demanding, trying to prove or point out changes, telling the spouse that they need to move on, etc., then

© Copyright 2015 by The Infidelity Recovery Institute, all rights reserved 58 stage 4 has not yet been achieved. Humility leads to a resignation, a “letting go” of trying to manage the outcome, and acknowledges that whatever I have and wherever I am right now, I’m grateful for and I don’t deserve any of it.

The reason for this restriction is not to humiliate the SA spouse, but rather to help him bring his sexual desire into a more normal range of experience. If the material is used too early with a couple, prior to the achievement of stage four, the SA spouse will never be emotionally satisfied after a sexual experience with his spouse. He will leave those sexual experiences feeling empty, dissatisfied, wanting something more, and thus initiate an entirely new series of acting out episodes.

STEP 5 – EMOTIONAL NEEDS

Our goal in helping couples recover after an affair is for them to establish a romantic relationship that's just as passionate as the affair. I don't want their choice to be between passion and reason – the affair offering passion and the marriage offering reason. I want them to have passion and reason, something that can only be found in their marriage.

Of course, for many affair types, this goal is a true challenge. The couple needs to take a fresh look at what makes each other happy. They need to push aside assumptions and false beliefs. Individuals also are required to be honest about what makes them happy. If people do not know what it is that makes them happy, how will they appreciate it when they have it?

So how do we assess what is important to each individual?

Depending on the type of affair and your training level, the couple will do one of the following: ➢ Emotional Needs Assessments ➢ Prepare Enrich Assessment ➢ If you have your own tool that could be used if appropriate

If it is clearly an Exit Affair, there is no use in doing assessments. The relationship is over. You will read more about this under the “Affair Type” section of this course.

In this course content we will talk about the Emotional Needs Survey, but you can use any tool you have which helps a couple recognize each others wants, needs, and desires.

For example: Ø The Five Languages of Love Ø The 10 Critical Dimensions (IRI Home Study Program)

Emotional Needs Assessment

Dr Harley allows for you to use all his questionairees and content with our clients. You will have no issue with marriagebuilders.com as it has all been confirmed and agreed on. It is best to have the couple go to the site www.marriagebuilders.com to source the materials, and do the background reading for their own personal education and growth. This makes your life much easier!

While we all agree Dr Harley’s views are extreme, they are EXTEMELY helpful when coaching Infidelity Recovery Clients. The goal is to help couples bring back the romantic love they once have for each other.

The 10 most desired emotional needs are (not in order of importance):

1. Intimacy 2. Recreational Time 3. Conversation 4. Financial Support 5. Affection 6. Honesty 7. Admiration & Respect 8. Family Commitment 9. An Attractive Partner 10. Sexual Satisfaction

You will most probably only have time to use this form with the couple Ø Emotional Needs Questionairee ENQ

If you had more time (the clients were not on a program) you could use more of these forms. It has taken me 6 sessions to work through these forms with a couple. Outline is below. Ø Love Busters Questionairee LBQ Ø Marriage Problem Analysis MPA Ø Personal History Questionairee PHQ Ø Memorandum of Agreement MOA (See back of this document)

Note that the Policy of joint agreement and the Policy of Radial Honesty are all on www.marriagebuilders.com. We have permission to use all their material and have our clients download material from this site. These two policies are great to review

with your clients in STEP 7 MOVING FORWARD, as it gives the clients new rules/boundaries to follow in the relationship.

Suggested Process Using all Forms

1. We start by educating the client on the theory of the love bank – what ever we do to each other affects other person either positively or negatively. 2. If the clients have not already completed ENQ & LBQ & MPA & Love Bank Inventory (in your members section online) you have them do so. They are to complete the documents separately and return them to you without the other looking at the others documents. They are also not to discuss there answers with each other. 3. The session where you review the ENQ & the LBQ is to be 1.5 to 2 hours long. 4. The session is split into 3 sections. a. 45 mins – First spouse b. 20-30 mins – Second Spouse c. 30 mins Together 5. Take the ENQ a. Turn to last pg of the report and review the list of ranked needs (from 1 to 5) b. Check the Likert Scales under the A section of each page to make sure the rankings are consistent. Check if the top ranked needs are consistent with how they ranked the need in the questionairee eg if they ranked Affection as #1 Need, then the first questionairee question (affection) should be a 5 or 6 “I have a great need for affection” c. Do the same for the B section. You are looking to see how the spouse satisfies their top needs. If the spouse is not satisfying the Top need, then love bank credits are being withdrawn. 6. Next read the LBQ a. Do the same ranking method with this report 7. Then Finally read and score the Love Bank Inventory

a. Add positive ratings and subtract negative from 1 to 20 (not #21). Then divided by 5. This is the love bank score. b. The score i. -12 = Disgust ii. -6> –21 = Hate/Dislike iii. -1> = No Emotional Connection iv. 0> = Little Emotional Connection v. 6> = Love but lacking an element vi. 12 = Romantic Love c. All negative numbers are more difficult to motivate to want to participate in the program, hence the program takes longer 8. Complete the Memorandum of Agreement MOA a. You have 3 copies of this form b. Complete the emotional needs on the 2nd page. Note any emotional need the spouse is not meeting c. Complete the love busters on the 3rd page, noting any love buster the spouse is not meeting 9. You will then have an idea of the major cause of of the unhappiness and discuss this with your client. 10. Do the same for the spouse 11. Once completed, both people return to your office 12. You begin by address the MAIN REASON FOR SEEKING COACHING, and rephrasing it in a positive way eg to save the relationship from x y z, or to achieve xyz 13. Then you talk about how the finding of each questionnaires affected the love banks 14. You review the ENQ 15. You review the LBQ 16. You read the MOA, and get them to sign it. They both receive a copy 17. Take a copy of the ENQ and LBQ, as some people like to take these home and discuss the answers 18. Do not give the LBI

THE TREATMENT PLAN

MUSTS Ø 15 hours of Quality Time per week while in coaching Ø Read “His Needs Her Needs” & “Love Busters” Ø 5 Steps to Romantic Love is the resource book for their homework exercises o pg 184 has a worksheet to track time together. You can copy this form and assign it to couples each week. They have to bring it in on the following session. Ø 1st Goal is to eliminate Love Busters o Provide HW around their love buster o Use love busters and 5 Steps Workbook Ø Ensure you write the HW you direct to the couple in your notes, and provide a copy to the couple Ø End the session by confirming the TOP emotional needs will be met in coming weeks Ø Schedule to next appointment

FOLLOWING SESSIONS Ø Schedule 60 minute sessions Ø You can see each person for 15 mins individually, and then together 30 mins. Ø You are now guiding them through the lessons from the MOA, and assigning HW accordingly Ø It is good practice to email or call your clients 2 days prior to their appointment to check they have done their HW Ø You are referring back to assigned HW in every session, to ensure the newly learned behaviours are put into action Ø Every 3rd session they complete a new LBI Ø Introduce the Policy of joint agreement and the Policy of Radical Honesty Ø Hold the couple ACCOUNTABLE

STEP 6 – FORGIVENESS

SESSION OVERVIEW You may need 1 to 2 sessions to complete any unfinished business and to complete the exercises:

Ø Complete the Forgiveness readiness checklist with the couple Ø Complete the personal readiness form – If needed Ø Complete the Forgiveness Letter Exercise - couple Ø Complete the Forgiveness Letter Exercise - infidel

Prepare Enrich Forgiveness

If you have been certified in Prepare Enrich, you could review the couples Prepare Enrich Report at this time on Forgiveness.

Prepare enrich will look at the couples ability to both give and grant forgiveness in their relationship. It does a great job of showing how past hurts, are effecting the current ability to be able to forgive (see the report on the next page.)

The two recommended exercises are: • Seeking & Granting Forgiveness • How to take a time out

NOTE - Spousal Anxiety: My observation is that many couples start to “let up” during these final few weeks of stabilization of the marriage. Their experience of many more good days, fewer and less painful bad periods, along with life’s pent up demands is beginning to return their attention back to “normal living.” And as a result I remind couples that it is extremely important to maintain the focused contact during these final weeks of work.

It will keep the faithful spouse from becoming anxious as she faces the prospect of losing “the force” (you the therapist) that keeps the couple constantly improving their relationship. This spouse often becomes quite fearful that the changes within each of them and between them will lapse and that they will gradually drift back to

© Copyright 2015 by The Infidelity Recovery Institute, all rights reserved 65 the old patterns that created the environment for the affair. I actually bring this anxiety issue out into the open and devote one full session to a dialog process exploring the anxiety of the faithful spouse.

You may need to spend sometime talking about anxiety in Step 6 or Step 7.

About Forgiveness

The goal of this step is for the couple Relationships have many injuries. to understand what true forgiveness means, and for the couple to devise a Both people hold resentment for celebration or a personal ritual to past actions, some of which they mark this transition. may not even know. The idea is to

Note - even if your couple has “flush” old resentment from the decided to end their marriage, it is relationship for a fresh start! important that they have worked through the process of forgiving.

Coaching note - if your couple has worked through all five steps so far, forgiveness will be a much easier transition. This is why it's important to have them work through the affair story, personal healing, emotional needs, & understand why it is necessary to have a healthy sex life before they come to this stage. If a client has empathy for the other person and both people have been working actively at repairing the relationship trust is well on the way to being repaired. It will make sense to forgive and move on.

If your clients have been lazy &/or resistant, or if the affair is still happening in the background, chances are they will not be ready to move on.

This is when you need to look at personal reasons for not being able to forgive plus you will need to go back and revisit the exercises that they did not complete. These exercises will go into the 90 Day after care program you prepare, and you will follow up within the aftercare program.

The Forgiveness Checklist

We begin Step 6 by reviewing the forgiveness checklist.

Use the form on the next page, to discuss with the couple what needs to get done in order to move forward. Remember that forgiveness will feel false unless they actually feel ready to forgive.

Tip : The client may have a burning question that they would like to ask about the affair but because they have been so happy with the progress of treatment they have felt like it could be counterproductive to bring it up now.

When I asked the question "are there any loose ends about the affair that need to be discussed before we move on to forgiveness" I make sure that I pause and check the response of the betrayed partner. Their homework will be to make a list of questions about the affair that they would like answered.

When the client is truly ready to forgive, the typical response to inquiry about the affair is …..

"we've dealt with that pretty well" "I think that's finished"

Ready?

So in summary when you believe the spouses are ready to ask for forgiveness, review their progress with them. Encourage each of them to talk about the changes they have made, and the work they are continuing to do. Trust your gut.

FORGIVENESS CHECKLIST A

Ready to forgive check list Outcome/Check Note Completed tasks of rebuilding stage – steps 1 to 5 The couple has developed a new pattern of open, honest, and complete communication = rebuilding trust Obsession – The need to talk about affair constantly should be nearly over or over Expectations for the marriage/relationship should be more realistic Other marriage secrets have been shared and dealt with Both spouses know how the affair related to their families of origin They know their own individual danger points – those situations where they are most likely to ignore reality, in hopes of avoiding pain or gaining pleasure. Both people know their own emotional needs They know their partners emotional needs Intimacy now is more exciting & rewarding The couple can share their sexual fears and desires more openly When set backs occur, they can be dealt in more productive ways Are there any loose ends/questions about the “affair” that needs to be discussed or revised BEFORE we move onto forgiveness? Ask each client – “Identify how you may sabotage this relationship, without being aware of it” E.g. not sharing feelings; ignoring your own pain and criticism the others behavior

PERSONAL READINESS What if the client is stuck and cannot forgive? Spending a session exploring why the betrayed spouse is stuck is important. Sometimes it may take some gentle reminding of the great work their spouse has done during the program, which will in turn make forgiveness feel safe. Other times, it will take recognition of forgiveness being a personal challenge, which will require further work.

It is important to do this quick exercise with the client to separate the affair from personal past injuries.

Use the table and questions below to help the client talk about this problem and what it is doing to the affair recovery process.

The most important take away is ensuring the betrayed spouse makes the decision to move forward – not staying stuck in bitterness.

FORGIVENESS READINESS CHECKLIST B STEP YES/NO Comment/Action 1 Recognition – Does the unfaithful spouse have a clear understanding of what happened and its consequences 2 Responsibility -Has the unfaithful spouse taken full responsibility for their decision to have an affair. Eg “It is insulting to say “I never meant to hurt you” as it avoids there responsibility of deciding to have an affair 3 Remorse - Does your partner have deep sadness, morning or even pain from the hurt they have caused you? 4 Restitution -Does your partner do positive actions to minimize the hurt & negative consequences from the affair? 5 Reform Your partner provides reassurance & evidence of a commitment not to hurt you in the future by: - Pledging not to hurt you in the same way again - Addressing conditions that contributed to the affair - Discuss how you both will prevent affairs in the future - Being open and transparent in their actions 6 Release -Are you ready to let go of the need to punish your partner for the affair, or demanding further restitution. (this is generally 1 yr after the affair discovery) 7 Reconciliation -Are you ready to commit to rebuilding a relationship based on mutual trust & caring. (This does not necessarily mean reconciling or staying in your marriage)

PERSONAL READINESS EXERCISE

What are your current difficulties in moving on? 1. List the potential risks and benefits of letting go of your hurt or angry feelings. The lists the risks and benefits of not letting go. 2. What strategies will you use if you continue to feel stuck?

Review the following list as honesty as possible. You may wish to write in your journey the reasons why you feel the way you do about each of these points. Most importantly, create an action plan for how you will overcome the challenge.

Yes/No Action Plan Fear of Vulnerability Strong Moral Convictions Influence from family & friends Unable to contain your emotions Unable to make sense of the affair Continued hurtful actions or inactions of your partner Beliefs about forgiveness Fear of Being Hurt Again Not wanting to give up status as the injured party Other

FORGIVENESS LETTERS

Two letters are written in this step: • The forgiveness Letter exercise (Both people complete) • The Letter of Forgiveness (The infidel only) – See attached documents.

The Forgiveness Letter Exercise

The main exercise here is the Forgiveness Letter.

Just as the events that led to the Affair were framed as marital problems, the request for forgiveness goes in both directions. It involves each of them owning their own responsibility for some of the relationship challenges.

When a couple is ready, a discussion of the meaning of forgiveness is useful as a transition into this final phase of work.

To Begin:

The couple will write a list of past “injuries” they have caused to the marriage/relationship.

Then, how did that injury make their spouse FEEL 1. ____ 2. ____ 3. _____

Once the couple has identified at least 10 Injuries, have them complete the exercise.

MONOLOGUE for FORGIVENESS

As the couple prepares the forgiveness letter, suggest they present the above responses to each other in their 20-minute monologues.

No questions or comments by the listener is allowed when one is speaking. This will prepare each other for the content, and help facilitate a positive result.

NOTE: Treatment of Avoidance Affairs & Split Self Affairs

The Type 2 and especially Type 6 affairs usually develop in a void or a deficiency within the marriage. It is this “missing piece” that must be identified and integrated into the marriage in order to create highest levels of security and satisfaction.

This is a painful exercise and subject to misinterpretation. However, I almost always address this in the office. When I introduce this topic, I often say to the faithful spouse, “If you can't do anything different because you did everything perfect, (and the affairs till happened), then you will have very little influence on whether or not it will happen again. However, if you can make a number of different contributions to this marriage, then you will feel more secure in the outcome and be surer of your influence. Your voice will matter.”

Many times these changes have already taken place and I always strongly emphasize the changes that the adulterer must make as well. Nevertheless, it often requires a difficult review of all the marriage was not providing.

The forgiveness letter often identified a number of those items, but it is common for a number of new ones to surface. It is important to identify these changes, especially in light of the fact that they have only been working 12 to 14 weeks on reorienting their relationship. Amazement runs high in the couples that make it through these 6 Steps.

STEP 7 – MOVING FORWARD NOTE: 2015 Change We have simplified the program this year and have the ritual as the closing exercise. If you feel your clients would benefit from the “Couple Contract” you will find the forms in the TOOLS. SESSION OVERVIEW

This should be the last session in the program, if you are running this as such.

Ø Discussion on moving forward. o Together? § Protection/risk § 90 Day Plan § Ritual o Apart? § Coping Strategies/Set up sessions/External Resources § Plan a final “Closure Session” Ø Future Appointments Ø Final Termination

It is not uncommon for couples to ask for extra weeks between appointments as they plan the final ritual. In fact, to give Step 7 adequate attention, couples will need more time than the normal once a week appointment schedule allows. For couples planning to stay married, I have found that this is a healthy process preparing the couple to live on their own without the therapist standing by their side.

CLOSING RITUALS

Rituals are very important part of the forgiveness process. Many couples will already have thought about a ritual or a celebration they will do in order to move forward and process this event in their marriage. However some couples with little history of family celebrations, can benefit from your suggestions or use one of our Ideas such as the "tower of remembrance exercise".

Whatever is decided make sure you talk with your couple about the type of celebration they want, it's symbolic meanings, and whether it will be private or shared with others.

Rituals and celebrations tend to symbolize either the ending of this painful period of the relationship, or a new beginning, or both.

Ideas for Ritual and celebrations

1. Tower of remembrance exercise - instructions provided below 2. Symbolic burial - this is a burial of an Item symbolizing the Affair. For example, one of my clients whose husband had a ten-year affair, had found many items heating inside her husbands cupboards that came from or belong to the other woman. What was especially hurtful were greeting cards. It was decided that on a specific time on a specific day they would burn all cards and any item that reminded her of the other woman. By doing this symbolic ritual together, gave her new hope for fresh start. 3. A second wedding ceremony or a renewal of the marital vowels. Sometimes the children are involved in the celebration, sometimes not. Often the couple chooses to renew their vows in a private ceremony without any witnesses.

Any sort of ritual is fine as long as it holds meaning for the both spouses. The ultimate goal is a shift of focus from forgiveness to celebrating!

Forgiveness gives some closeout to an extremely difficult period, and move the affair from the couple's immediate agenda today Shared history. The affair becomes an event that, like other past Events, can be talked about when it's relevant to do so.

With forgiveness, one phase of the marriage ends and the door opens to another.

Referrals and Final Termination Though I don't see couples beyond the contracted limit, I assure them that I am willing to see them for a “checkup.

I set tentative appointments 3, 6, 9, 12m within the first year of their termination. At our final visit we talk at length about referrals, my recommendations, skill based training groups, support groups, and even online resources that would be encouraging. I often review their insurance provider’s list to see if I recognize therapists that would be helpful for some of the remaining marital issues.

The Tower of Remembrance - Forgiveness Exercise

What are the things that you would like to ask forgiveness on?

Each person is to write a list of what they understand to have hurt, harmed or injured the other person. Use this time to process all old relationship “hurts” and injuries. You should have a good idea by now, of all the items that need to be forgiven. Each time of the list is called a “request.”

Go to the beach or a peaceful location. Gather a rock for each of the requests. Once a rock is collected for each request, stands an arms distance away from each other.

The unfaithful partner begins by taking one of the rocks and holding it out in front….

"I betrayed your trust by doing______. The impact of that has been ______. What I did against you matters and it has caused you pain and suffering. I recognize that you may not trust me right now, but I choose to repair this broken trust by being transparent, open, and honest, and have integrity with you from this point forward. Will you forgive me?”

The forgiver has 3 options:

1. They accept the rock and say, “Yes, I do forgive you” and place the rock on the ground. This will begin to form and shape the Tower of Remembrance. 2. They can choose to say, “Not now”. The rock then goes into speakers left pocket and the couple must come back to it later. 3. They can say “No”, in which case the rock then goes into the speakers right pocket. 4. Continue to go back and forth. 5. Once the tower of remembrance is constructed you must let go of that resentment, and never bring it up again.

Remaining rocks: • At the end of the exercise, talk about each of the remaining rocks. • Remaining rocks should be kept on your person. Remember what you are holding onto and mentally work towards letting go, day by day.

The Affair Type

Differentiating between types of affairs

The affair is a symptom of problems in the marital relationship, for most types of affairs. The affair discovery will start the “crisis” in the relationship. The most threatening aspect is not the affair it's self, but the dishonesty that it casts out over the entire relationship.

Observation of the couples’ behavior patterns being played out in front of you helps in distinguishing between the different types of affairs.

Some clients make it easy to identify the type of affair by providing a detailed picture of their relationship issues. You will know their affair type by their phone interview or by the detail provided on the Clients Forms.

Other individuals are less forthcoming about their situation initially, but when both spouses are present, observation of their communication patterns provides information about the affair type.

Here we look at the various affair types and provide a basic treatment strategy for that affair type.

The 7 Types of Affairs 1. Accidental Affair 2. Intimacy/Conflict Avoidance Affair 3. Philanderer Affair 4. Entitlement Affair 5. Split Self Affair (Romantic Affair) 6. Exit Affair 7. Sexual Addiction Affair

How the affair types are ranked.

The affair type ranking for coaches is based on the underlying issues and patterns of interaction between the marital partners, and not just on the unfaithful partner alone.

• Each of the 7 types of affairs has a characteristic pattern differences in feelings, behavior, age, gender and outcome. • By identifying the message embedded in the affair the coach can begin to formulate a plan for treatment.

• We are not going to talk about arrangements that couples sometimes work out either verbally or nonverbally. For some couples they turn a blind eye to their spouses indiscretion. This is acceptance. We also exclude open marriages and other consensual if nonverbal arrangements between spouses.

We do include: • Un-married couples • Same sex couples

Affairs of the heart are called "emotional affairs, but do not include sexual contact, are also affairs. Although the dynamics are similar the lack of an overtly sexual component means that the volatility and sense of betrayal is substantially less. Affairs of the heart are sexual affairs in the making. I choose to treat and classify emotional affairs, with the affair message they are sending.

We will classify an affair as a sexual involvement with somebody other than the spouse, which is hidden from the spouse.

The key elements: extramarital, sexual and secret.

What is your role as a coach

When our clients are involved in an affair they are hurting, even though the affair itself maybe deeply satisfying. The affair indicates that they want something better in their marriage and in their life, but that they do not know how to pursue it honestly. They are not often clear about what they do want, knowing best what they do not want.

It is a pain that has brought them into therapy, and I know at some level that pain will also be part of changing how they handle the Intimate relationship.

As a coach we can be most helpful if we take a systemic approach. - what does the affair Mean? - what is the message to the spouse? - what issues are being avoided? - is the affair holding the marriage together, keeping the marriage interrupt, or providing a way out of the marriage?

Our role is to help the client address and sort through these issues. The process of coaching must be an honest one. Issues of the betrayal cannot be addressed through secrecy and betrayal.

Remember that a relationship has two main ingredients = Intimacy & Friendship.

If your couple did not have friendship or intimacy before affair discovery, they must work harder as a couple to bring these ingredients into the relationship. If they will not be friends, then affairs will reoccur in the future. These couples will struggle to have a relationship regardless of future affairs or not.

With some types of affairs, the outcome will not be positive. However, by using the 7-Step coaching program, the couple will end the relationship with less emotional trauma, and be able to rebuild their life faster.

TYPE 1: ACCIDENTAL AFFAIRS

Accidental Affair AKA One Night Stand Excuse “I wont hurt anyone”, “just this once”, “it’s not who I am” Message Curiosity Affair Duration Once Development Immediate Emotional Involvement None Sexual Activity Single experience, intense, lustful. Remorse Usually immediate & intense FOO No Typical Gender Male or Female Age Any Length of Marriage Any Recovery Can be immediate with forgiveness and closing the “windows” Infidel Presents with Guilt & Shame Betrayed Presents as Angry Worse Case Untreated Turn into sexual addiction affairs Relationship Issue/Deficit Usually none

About The one night stand

An accidental affair is not always a one night stand (ONS), though many ONSs are accidental in the way they take place. What I mean by accidental is that there was no real decision to cheat, no underlying marital problem that was causing a rift or other circumstances that caused a person who fell into the affair to be looking or seeking another person out for any reason whatsoever.

A one night stand can be considered an impulsive and regrettable reaction. This type of affair is usually unplanned and is usually due to an impulsive decision in which one was lost in the moment. Business trips or nights out on the town are often when these occur and, while one night stands can sometimes happen with someone known, the majority of the them involve a relative stranger. Alcohol or other recreational drugs may contribute to the situation.

The vast majority of people who have one night stands want to stay in their marriages and are plagued with guilt or a fear of being found out. Frequently the opportunistic affair is associated with a person with low self-esteem who needs the attention of a stranger to feel better about themselves and feel desirable and attractive.

Curiosity can be a significant drive. Those who married young and sexually inexperienced, and be curious what sex would be like with someone else. It is not premeditated to seek out sex. But under the right time and conditions, mistakes are made, and regrettable.

For example, a man could be happily married for years, but then hears his buddies talking about sex. He starts to wonder what he is missing out on.

This type of affair, because of the type of person it attracts, is dangerous and can often become “serial” in nature – turning into Addiction Affair Type (eg, one encounter after another as opportunity arises). Bringing STDs back to the spouse is a major issue.

Why this affair happens:

Many of these happen simply because circumstances put two people together and in part due to the fact that so few people understand enough about affairs to prevent them from happening. No one came on to the other, there was not any flirtation at the beginning of the relationship and maybe even not a great deal of attraction between the affair partners. Neither was really looking for anything at all.

While many of these are the result of alcohol, circumstances or other mitigating factors like long periods away from home with a coworker of the opposite sex, they are really the result of missing or poor boundary types of things. As an example, it is sometimes necessary for a man and woman travel for business together. Often times these trips will require meetings with clients AND without the clients in order to discuss specifics of the business at hand.

The problem starts when these “off line” meetings begin to take place in a quiet restaurant or even worse, a private motel room. If the meeting starts over dinner, moves to the motel bar, involves a bit of consumption of drinks that lower selective reasoning and then moves on to the motel room it is really a recipe for disaster.

What many don’t realize is that simply working together on a project, communicating about things that the two people share a common passion about and without it even being personal information that is being shared, they are allowing a relationship to form that at some level deep inside that part of the brain that does not deal with logic but purely with emotion. As the situation continues, unless prevented by one or both from going beyond the strictly business phase, the two people start to GET something from each other that triggers a pleasure response in the brain that feeds them a reward on a level they can’t even put a name to.

Once this point is reached it becomes almost entirely a matter of the will to turn and walk away from the friendship that is beginning to develop. Neither one might be particularly vulnerable, both might have good marriages by their own descriptions and the thought of even considering cheating might never have crossed their minds. However, the feelings the pleasure centers of their brains are feeding them are something they begin to want more of. Two people can actually fall in love with each other and begin to desire being together more and more with absolutely no sexual attraction being present.

At this point, the bond becomes an addiction as chemicals in the brain start taking control of actions and unless something has been done to prevent the whole chain of events from continuing, falling in love or simply giving in to unmet needs that result from being away from the spouse at the time can be almost overwhelming.

The affair isn’t a destination anyone was headed when the whole trip began. It is rather the road that the potential affair partners are on that causes this type of affair. It might be a ONS based entirely on lusts and unmet needs of the moment or it could be falling in love with that cute guy or girl at the office that is the net result of

© Copyright 2015 by The Infidelity Recovery Institute, all rights reserved 85 accidental infidelity. It is an accident because neither one was looking for anything at all when it began and neither had any intention of even getting involved personally with each other.

Research:

The late Shirley Glass who wrote the book Not Just Friends created on her website what she calls “Quizzes” that measure the vulnerability of marriage partners to an affair. These quizzes measure personal vulnerability, relationship vulnerability and social or network vulnerability. She also has quizzes designed to help identify if the relationship you might have with that friend or coworker has crossed any boundaries and not just established some sort of arbitrary line in the sand as the definition of infidelity.

Frank Pittman states that the majority of first affairs even for eventual philanderers are accidental. The reaction of the one having the affair often determines if it will be a one time mistake or accident or if it will lead to a life of secret dalliances and string of sexual conquests. Those who react with a sort of “what was I thinking” or guilt over the affair will often never repeat the process. Those who find it exciting, blame their spouse for the affair or find another “reason” outside themselves for cheating are likely to repeat the affair given the same or similar circumstances.

Pittman uses the analogy of a traffic accident to describe how an accidental affair happens. He talks of driving his 1971 Jaguar down the highway. The car left to its own devices seems to pull always to the left, which here in the US leads it straight into the path of oncoming traffic. He says it doesn’t take a lot of effort to prevent the car from causing death and destruction, simply a moderate control of the hand on the wheel to prevent it from going astray.

This is the way accidental affairs happen. The cheater will seem genuinely surprised that they cheated and have no idea in some cases how it happened. They say things like “It just happened” to describe the incident.

But just like the traffic accident, the fact that it was not purposely caused does not result in blame being transferred off of the shoulders of the cheater and onto the betrayed spouse nor entirely onto the affair partner. The fact that it was not a clear choice to cheat is not an indication that there is innocence and the part of the cheater.

Like driving in traffic requires paying attention to conditions, adjusting to those conditions as they change and taking actions to avoid putting oneself into a situation that is more likely to result in mayhem, to protect a marriage from infidelity requires a vigilance and attention to the current conditions in the marriage and the situation surrounding us at the time. Accidental affairs “just happen” as if there was no real cause though the cause was in large part a failure in judgment, a lapse in concentration and a lack of commitment to protecting the marital partnership from intrusion by others.

Unless precautions are taken, accidents happen. And if the same or similar conditions occur and we don’t see them taking shape, if our concentration of active prevention continues, they tend to happen again and again.

Treatment Strategy: One Night Stand

I have separated a one-night stand from sexual addiction because the treatment strategy is different. Once an addiction has taken root, other professionals are needed to help the couple overcome the sexual addiction challenge. Whereas a one night stand, if caught early, you can treat by yourself.

The treatment for a one night stand is by going the 7 Step Program Step by Step. • Keep the couple together throughout the whole program (Unless the individual would like a private session during personal healing.) • Focus on improving communication and conflict resolution skills. • Help the betrayed spouse with obsession and triggers. • As the one night stand occurs with couples in 20s and 30s (typically) they are more comfortable talking about intimacy. Have the couple talk about sexual desires and needs, more than just intimacy in their monologues. There are tools for you to give the couple to give ideas on how to be more creative – See your TOOLS. • The couple many not have focused on emotional needs, so the questionnaires will be insightful • The 90 Day plan is important, to ensure the betrayed spouse feels like the affair is not being “pushed aside”. The follow up appointments such be kept to monitor emotions and changes on relationship behavior.

Remember, that is not to say this type of affair is harmless - A one night stand that is not properly dealt with can set the stage for future, long time sexual affairs.

TYPE 2: AVOIDANCE AFFAIRS

Two Types of Avoidance Affairs:

Intimacy Avoidance

Conflict Avoidance

Accidental Affair AKA Excuse Message Affair Duration Development Slow & gradually Emotional Involvement They usually know each other well; & many feel/are “in love” with 3rd person Sexual Activity Remorse FOO Typical Gender Both Age 20s/30s/early 40s Length of Marriage Recovery High - If the betrayed spouse is open to change Low – If relationship is devitalized, aside from the affair. Infidel Presents with Betrayed Presents as Worse Case Untreated Relationship Issue/Deficit The martial style and communication contributes to the affair starting

1. INTIMACY AVOIDANCE FEATURES: Intimacy Avoiders are frightened of getting too close, so they keep the barriers high between them. Conflict is one barrier, affairs are another. Their emotional connection with each other is through frequent and intense conflict. Often, each spouse becomes involved in an affair. These couples are the mirror opposite of the Conflict Avoiders.

Characterized by: Avoids Intimacy Critical – hurtful words and comments Bickering Open conflict Relationship feels safe because it is predictable Efficient is a good description Both people are “equal” in the relationship

Problem during recovery Neither will take responsibility for the issues in the relationship New rituals can be difficult to implement due to relationship efficiency Can work if they both are open to trying something new Will they see a different relationship as better?

2. CONFLICT AVOIDANCE FEATURES: Conflict Avoiders are nice -- they're terrified to be anything but nice, for fear that conflict will lead to abandonment or losing control. They don't have a way to stand up to each other when there's a problem, so they can't resolve their difference and the marriage erodes. Features of the Martial Relationship: o A predictable relationship = drudgery & lifelessness o Couple will either have: § Separate lives, activities, interests OR § One will control everything, and the other is obedient o The cheaters behavior will be vastly different during the affair, as they feel as new lease on life o It is very difficult for the betrayed spouse to hear the cheaters unmet need/s. Remember that in a “predicable relationship everyone thinks they are doing the right thing, and doing nothing wrong. So the betrayed spouse doesn’t like to be told there was something “they “ were not doing. o Because of this belief, it is difficult to work through affair recovery, and as a result, the relationship may not make it.

- couple has not learned the skills of conflict resolution - typically happens early in a marriage - The couple is typically in 20s or 30s - both will collude in their attempts to make things go back to the way they used to

The conflict avoidance affair screams to the spouse “I'll make you pay attention to me”. Couples who cannot talk about the differences and disappointments may use an affair to get out from under a blanket of controlled amicability.

The strain is the more dissatisfied spouse, whether that is a husband or wife. The unfaithful partner always manages to be discovered, and the discovery blasts loose the covers and make it clear that there are several problems in the marriage.

The pattern can flow on into subsequent marriages.

The timing of the affair is tied to increased frustration combined with opportunity.

Why this affair happens -preoccupation with a new baby, -frustration over being told many times to do something - work pressures that competes with the marriage - The demands of an elderly parent - A sense of inadequacy in gaining the spouses approval

The conflict being avoided stems from dissatisfaction that a spouse is not available. It may also come from a lack of attention or approving.

Many of these couples struggling with the normal disappointment that comes only in marriage when the honeymoon phase is over. Some expected that marriage would make them feel whole and just hasn't done that. Others feel that voicing their discomfort could end the marriage. Rather than learning to interact with each other at a deeper level, these couples deny and avoid the uncomfortable feelings.

The couple has constructed their marriage to avoid conflict in the hopes of gaining emotional security.

As long as problems and conflicts are not verbalized, it is possible to believe that they do not exist. It is this denial that forms the shaky basis of the security. The affair is a clear message that the foundations of the marriage are not what they seem.

As the obsession with the affair dies down and the nature of the couples issues becomes known, rebuilding can begin.

TIP: there is a degree of resistance and exploring past relationship conflict areas. The panic spouse will often declare "I can't forgive". Your job is to reframe this comment and offered reassurance... Eg "of course you can't it's too soon! You haven't done the work you need to do. The

© Copyright 2015 by The Infidelity Recovery Institute, all rights reserved 90 last thing you're going to do now is forgive". At this point the couples commitment can only be two the process of exploration not to continuing the relationship or marriage. They will determine as they work together weather they can build a solid foundation for their marriage.

The couple can appear to looks like the model couple . They can be somewhat perfectionistic. The couple tends to be trying to make their marriage work and please each other. But the pleasing appear to be self-sacrificing to the person.

Communication is limited by the efforts to avoid conflict. And also by the couples collusive focus on idealistic goals instead of on reality.

Underneath the surface is a tendency towards depression. They have a hard time expressing dissatisfaction. They also find it difficult to discuss problems. Sometimes they are not even aware of how dissatisfied they are.

In conflict avoidance affairs, differences get put aside, and resentments begin to pileup. The pressure builds and without verbal means to resolve the issues that exploded into an affair which is discovered.

The affair itself is really a serious relationship since a real purpose is to get the spouses attention.

The threat to the marriage is not the affair but the avoidance of conflict. The affair becomes a threat only when it's message is misinterpreted or ignored.

Forgiving prematurely will be seen as doing nothing. The result will be more affairs. The message will be sent again and again until the messages heard

Why they shouldn't end the marriage - ending the marriage abruptly short changes both spouses, neither learns how to handle the normal give-and-take of the marriage - there is a good prognosis for the marriage when the affair says as a catalyst for facing problems and learning how to resolve differences - if they complete the seven step infidelity recovery program, and they decide to end the marriage - it will end with the understanding and closure if the spouses have addressed the issues with each other.

Seeking therapy/coaching - Discovery of an affair is a common reason for seeking therapy. - sometimes it is the infidel who comes individually for help, Sent in by but their partner to find out what's wrong with them, and to fix it -The infidels guilt plus their tendency to be over responsible makes than willing to accept full responsibility for the affair -in other cases the betrayed will come in for the initial appointment to check out the coach, and inform you of the situation before bringing in the infidel

- if they present as a couple, the spouse is likely to be extremely obsessive about the affair, and will probably attempt to hang the therapist the responsibility for blaming and punishing or fixing the infidel - The dominant effect with conflict avoidance is a controlled amicability. Both spouses fully engage with each other, but they continue to avoid open conflict. It's not that there is never any conflict, it's that any conflict expressed by one spouse is dropped by the other.

Even the spouses position with the affair has an element of control. If this becomes too emotional, the infidel deflects the charge with a rational response and vice versa. They try to move as little as possible from an invisible centerline. Conflict goes nowhere.

Family of origin

- they were told as a child that anger was bad - they could have been punished for disagreeing

The Third Party

- The emotional ties between the infidel and the lover are not usually strong - The loss is more the fantasy then the lover - if the affair was with a friend or if there are emotional ties of any significance the infidel will need to grieve the loss

As a coach you can help by reframing the grief as an important part of letting go, whether it is letting go of the lover or of the fantasy.

Treatment Strategy: Avoidance Affairs

First we decide if we are willing to make a commitment to work on the marriage.

Then we decide if we can truly close the affair. The infidel needs to close directly and openly with the lover. Help the infidel understand that without closure of the affair, it is still open.

Then the spouse needs to hear about what actually happened – The Affair Story.

After we deal with personal healing, obsessions - more energy is available for rebuilding trust.

This is the hard work for conflict avoiders. It means getting into issues that the couple has been avoiding of the years.

Problems will include: - some couples choose to sweep the issues back under the rug and pretend all is well - premature apologies - deigning The existence of marital problems - viewing the affair as a one time event - engaging in distractions - buying off the spouse - if the personal belief is that affairs equal divorce, they will need help in seeing that other options exist - A mild degree of narcissism often interferes with the spouses ability to accurately perceive the situation, as when feelings of worthlessness old offenses against such feelings, block out all the truths

Treatment of couples who fear conflict centers on helping Each partner identify he's on her own in a language of feelings and on learning effective ways to express those feelings. Applying these new skills to old issues test the couple's ability to rebuild a workable marriage. The family of origin provides a backdrop for this work, as current issues tend to replicate those of the past

NOTE- if you are trained in Prepare Enrich you will have wonderful graphs and information to work through family of origin, and include this in your treatment plan.

In the rebuilding phase, the pace slows down. After a brief moment to catch their breath, it is time to delve into working on themselves and their relationship.

This shared definition of the marital problem, developed in the process of addressing position, provides an understanding of the specific ways in which the couple got off track, and the sense of direction for therapy.

The goals of the building phase of treatment are:

1. Helping the spouses learn to talk about the uncomfortable issues that I've been unable to discuss, with an eye to develop open, honest, and complete communication 2. Building trust, which means learning to share one's self emotionally and excepting the emotional experience of the other

3. Making a well considered decision about the viability of the marriage

To reach these goals, the spouses must face together their problems with conflict.

They must share feelings, positive as well as negative, that they have never confided in anyone before, and must hear each other's real story.

It is helpful as a homework activity, to talk about family of origin in the 20 minute monologues. It is also good to do a personal history questionnaire as on the marriage builders.com website. This will help the couple take the time to read learn each other, with the instructions of positive communication in place.

It is best to do couples therapy with conflict avoidance affair types. Only do individual treatments as an adjunct, if and when needed. Individual treatment might be used to help a passive spouse stand up for him or herself, to provide temporary emotional support to the stress spouse, or otherwise to confront or encourage. It is essential that any individual therapy feedback into the couple therapy. Homework given in an individual session must be presented in the couple session.

TYPE 3: PHILANDERER AFFAIRS Sometimes called: The “Sexist” Player, Womanizer, or Casanova

“What most wives don’t realize is that their husbands’ philandering has nothing whatever to do with them.”

AFFAIR TYPE OVERVIEW

There is no emotional attachment to the affair partners – they are conquests. Require a steady change of sexual partners. Only then can they “commit to one partner”/wife Obsessed with gender – not gender equity Sexist attitudes – “women exist to serve men” Do not believe in Monogamy Seduction is a part of their game Humiliation does not come from the affair discovery, but from the change in the wife’s relationship power There is no guilt from the affairs They typically do not want a divorce – but for you to “fix” their spouse, so they can get back to Philandering Philandering is an addictive behavior. Change must begin with the desire to want to change. They will not be FORCED or CONTROLLED Insecure Many married Philanderers are also Bisexual, and lead a highly promiscuous sex life Highly Manipulative A Habitual Liar

ABOUT PHILANDERERS The phil in philanderer means "love" and a philanderer's love never seems to stop. "So many ladies, so little time..." — That may just be the motto of the quintessential philanderer, those delightful serial womanizers who specialize in brief affairs of the carnal kind.

A philandering husband doesn't just have a wandering eye. He also has wandering hands, and probably a long line of jilted lovers.

Men in pursuit of extramarital sex can carry on their philandering actions for decades without being detected, or they could encounter personal and professional catastrophes because of their habitual risk-taking behaviors.

The paradox that is difficult for most women to understand is that these philandering men frequently perceive that they are committed to their wives and regard themselves as happily married.

They are able to compartmentalize their sexual exploits as separate from their marriages until they are discovered. The underlying causes are usually individual issues which vary greatly although the contrasting patterns may look similar on the surface.

FAMILY OF ORIGIN (FOO) • He may get along with family members better than his wife • Often adored and pampered by his mother • Father would have left the family in some way by cheating, withdrawing, or chasing other women

Therefore, masculinity is seen as an escape from female control, either because his father achieved it or because he wanted to but couldn’t.

He wants women to serve him – masculinity and dominance = safety & happiness. Therefore, a woman could never be his equal.

Female philanderer’s have had philandering fathers, whom seen their daughter different from other women. They may have had an unfaithful husband, so they turn to seduce then humiliate men.

Often a philandering woman will be the “other woman” seen in others’ affairs, as she now destroys other marriages. Sex is the weapon of weapons

WHY THIS AFFAIR HAPPENS Successful men often perceive that they are entitled to enjoy the fruits of their labor by taking advantage of the women who are enamored of them.

The common stereotype of the powerful man and the trophy woman is consistent with research findings across cultures and across time that men are attracted to beauty and youth, and women are attracted to power and resources.

These prominent men are captivated by opportunities for the conquest of beauty queens who scorned them when they were young, awkward, and starting their climb up the ladder.

Infidelity is a legacy carried down through the generations in families such as the Kennedys where the men are committed to family life but have affairs, and the women "stand by their men."

Occupations which were prone to rampant infidelity as an industry standard before the advent of sexual harassment suits not only condoned extracurricular "fooling around" by married men but actually fostered "territorial amnesia" by providing women for hire at conventions.

I have heard a number of men try to diminish the impact of their infidelities by saying, "You shouldn't be this upset. It didn't mean a thing." When the wife asks how they would feel if the shoe was on the other foot, the common response is, "I'd kill you, but I know you'd never do anything like that." They inherently recognize that a wife's affair is usually more threatening to the stability of the marriage because of the greater likelihood of an emotional involvement.

The Betrayed Partner “A philanderer is a guy who likes women. A lot. So much that he's got a beautiful wife, and a date with a different girl every weekend.”

Characteristics: Romantics at heart Subservient Attractive/feminine Attracted to successful men Feels unappreciated, lonely and has anxiety Has ignored the affairs for many years, or pretends not to have known

Masculinity is served two ways – by competing with other men, and by exerting dominance over women. Therefore, men who are not defeating of men and not screwing women are loosing masculinity and status. The greatest loss of status would be to come under control of a woman.

A woman could never be an equal partner in life, she has a defined role, usually at home. He is at “home” amongst men of his own caliber. Usually other Philanderers, where they can talk about their man victories, and their conquests over women.

They are usually very attractive, with well polished social skills and talents. They are very seductive, and quite often, popular. Think of the Kennedy’s. They will keep their marriage in a state of hot and cold so that they can have their affairs Women in relationships with men like these have to deal with long-term emotional abuse, which leads to feelings of betrayal, abandonment and shame. However some women may refuse to believe the truth about their womanizing husband even when the signs are right there. Many choose to turn a “blind eye”. This is because accepting that your man is not a good partner is admitting the failure of a relationship and everything that a woman may hold precious.

Problems will come into the marriage if she tries to exert her power. The philanderer will not accept equality or closeness in the marriage. He does not wish to be understood by his wife, or under her “control”.

CAN A PHILANDERER CHANGE?

The philanderer will find monogamy difficult.

If he really wants to change, and this will be difficult, then he has to believe that the affairs are hurting him. Recovery means much more than just stopping the sex/cheating. It means a different level of honesty and equality, a shifting level of marriage sexuality, and above all, a rethinking of everything these men think they know about Gender!

The changes required for the spouse would be equally drastic. If a woman is determined to stay, she must be careful to keep a distance. She has to understand that the reason for his behavior is that he believes his life is dependent upon escaping her control. There is no way in which she can please him sufficiently, or impress him enough so he can declare her an equal. She must pursue her own life giving him as much independence as he requires, while she takes as much freedom as she needs to develop our own self-esteem.

Guild producing dependency will only bring out the worst in him, and will deprive her of a life that could be fulfilling.

Threats will not help, but using a plan separation can often wake the man up.

Philandering is an addictive behavior and like all addictive behaviors, it is difficult to change without great honesty and the willingness to put yourself under someone else's control.

Many men and women in these situations are not willing to make such drastic changes, and if they did, they might be little basis left for the marriage. Recovery and healing are possible if the philandering husband takes responsibility for his actions, is truthful about the full extent of his betrayal(s), is empathic about the pain he has caused, and is truly committed to a monogamous marriage. The motivation for change is often the destructive consequences of the behaviors or the pain caused to loved ones. Couples counseling is used to explore the causes, open the windows of honest communication, and rebuild the marriage.

FIRST TIME OFFENDER If the philanderer is a first time or one-time offender, I would say that the prognosis for working things through is somewhat more positive. In order for this to happen, however, the exposed cheater must come completely clean with what happened, take full responsibility for it, and be prepared to beg the partner's forgiveness for his or her devastating misstep.

Any pre-existing problems in the relationship prior to the affair (and obviously, an ongoing affair is typically much more damaging than a one-night-stand) or indiscretion should be systematically addressed and resolved.

Communication skills must be evaluated, improved, and regularly practiced between the couple with a therapist's assistance. And, perhaps the hardest part, trust must be rebuilt.

Trust cannot--and should not-- just be freely given again. Trust now has become a privilege, not a right. Trust must be earned, gradually re-established by offenders consistently following through faithfully on whatever they say they are going to do-- or not do. There is no real wiggle room here. Zero-tolerance. It should be the injured or betrayed party that dictates what will be required for him or her to ever fully trust the offender again. And whatever they say it will take, within reason, is what the offender must be willing to commit to providing unconditionally. And deliver, consistently, willingly and unequivocally.

Ultimately, the victimized or offended party will have to reach a point (frequently requiring individual therapy in addition to couples counseling) where they can get past their hurt, humiliation and anger to a place of forgiveness and compassion. And find the courage to trust again. We all make mistakes. Humans are imperfect beings. But we can also learn from our mistakes, so as to avoid repeating them.

REPEAT OFFENDER Here the prognosis gets poorer. Once can be considered a slip up. An aberration. Twice or more is a pattern. Why should the serial cheater be forgiven or provided a third, fourth or fifth chance? Of course, this is for the person who was betrayed to decide. Some see their own unequivocal commitment to the relationship and love for the offending partner as reasons for either overlooking such bad behavior or for giving them repeated chances to change.

This can become a kind of co-dependency, unintentionally enabling and perpetuating the problem. As with domestic violence, the victim may be bamboozled and confused by the offender's apparent heartfelt contrition and proclamations of love and dedication.

Or they come to see the offending partner as suffering from some mental disorder or substance or sexual addiction that both compels and excuses their abusive behavior. In certain cases, say of severe bipolar disorder, substance abuse or compulsive sexual behavior, it may make sense to compassionately support and stand by the offender during his or her treatment or rehabilitation.

But the key is that commitment is a two way street. Both parties must be equally committed to the relationship and to monogamy, if that is what is promised and expected. Commitment is an existential choice. A choice one reaffirms each and every day. One chooses not to cheat not necessarily because one doesn't desire to. But because one chooses to honor one's commitment and because one cares about and values the relationship with the partner so highly that taking the risk of threatening, damaging or losing that relationship and deeply wounding the partner is completely unacceptable.

A womanizing husband may seem like an impossible cross to bear. However recovery is possible with awareness, time and commitment. Finally, the rewards of recovery are worth the effort for it not only makes the husband a better partner and person but gives a fresh lease of life to the marriage.

TREATMENT STRATEGY: Philanderer

Personal Healing

Spouse: • Self esteem issues to work on? • Understanding boundaries • Having a fulfilling life with enjoyable separate activities • Work on communicating their true feelings and emotions

Philanderer: • Self-discovery – Are their addictive patterns serving them? • Requires new personal habits & rituals. • Change of social circle? • Are there other addictions such as drugs or alcohol?

7 Step Model Tips

• For the philanderer to take ownership of their actions, and realize the hurt they are causing, Step 1 can be difficult, dramatic. If the personality style of the Philanderer is overly narcissistic, then do not expect too much honesty, and more of a “show”. The show is for the partner to believe in them again, and to be able to move forward. • Do not spend the usual amount of time on “Ending the Affair” exercises, as they are almost useless with the Philanderer. They have had so many affairs, that they will not remember all the names and places. There is no emotional attachment to the affair partners – they are conquests. • The spouse can also mirror the philanderers mannerisms e.g. Narcissism, so will try and turn your coaching session into a battle field, with insults and dramatic behavior. This could be the first time they have had a chance to have a “voice” and be able to display frustration and anger. It is YOUR office. Set your stage – remember that your clients are your guests. • While we encourage the couple to work through the program together, the Philanderer may need a session to be able to understand why he doing what he is doing, and decide if it will serve him long term. Because of their need to succeed, they often listen to stories of the older Philanderer with no one to love in later life, and feeling empty. • Working individually with the Philanderer, is only recommended for the experienced therapist or counselor. These people are highly skilled at

seduction and manipulation. They will have you pitying them for “putting up with” their spouse! • Encourage them to set rituals for their relationship, that are desired by both people • STEP 7: Focus on the Dr Harley’s “Policy Of Joint Agreement”, and “Policy of Radical Honesty” • Encourage them to write a contract of what is betrayal, what is allowed, and new relationship agreements

Aftercare There are self-help programs for the addicted philanderer such as Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous and Sexaholics Anonymous which are based on 12-Step programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous.

TYPE 4: ENTITLEMENT AFFAIRS

Sometimes called: Celebrity Affairs Royalty Affairs Revenge Affairs

Quote:

" I should not be limited, as I deserve what ever I choose"

Features:

Attempting to fill an inner void, but actions fueled by narcissism

Quote:

" I should not be limited, as I deserve what ever I choose"

About:

The Entitlement Affair is usually a serious, long-term one in which the straying partner is charming, popular, successful, and powerful. Professional interests become more important than family relationships, and the couple lives separate lives.

The third party is attracted to the power and the perks of the straying partner, and may have more in common with the straying partner than the spouse.

When the affair comes to light, we often wonder "what are they thinking?" Actually they weren't thinking - they were assuming that their hard work entitled them to the power and related perks.

Frank Bruni, in the New York Times (Nov. 12, 2012) states that the "adulation in the public arena probably isn't mirrored in their marriages. A spouse is unlikely to provide it. A spouse knows you too well for that."

We cannot assume that all married couples want to be intimate partners. In many parts of the world, couples don't aspire to such closeness. The closest relationships are with the children, the couples parents and siblings, or with their same sex buddies.

In some parts of the world, the spouse is treated with great respect and dignity, while the greatest closeness is with a mistress or master who functions as a lover and companion.

The Betrayed Spouse

The real difficulty comes when one partner wants closeness and the other one wants distance. Then they are in constant conflict, with one trying to stop fights that will require interaction and discussion and attention being paid, while the other uses conflict to justify leaving the house, going to another room and locking the door, or just going into a silent mode - stonewalling. Anything to reduce interaction.

One pursues, the other runs away. The pursuer pursues harder, the runner runs farther, and around and around they go, each believing that their model of the marriage is the right one.

Either the partner who wants distance or the partner who wants closeness can achieve it by getting involved with someone else. The marital arrangement requires a third or fourth person to stabilize a relationship that is alternately too intense for one Partner and too flat for the other.

There are a variety of marital arrangements by which a less than ideal marriage is stabilized through the addition of a marital aid, someone who is willing to sacrifice or complicate his or her domestic life for the sake of preventing the mismatch couple from having to get a divorce.

Types of arrangements

Here are some of the marital arrangements that can be made when they decide they want to be unhappily married, yet stay in the marriage. Rather than solve the problems that they blame for the marital unhappiness, they decide to stabilize the marriage and it's in perfect state, and they do this by bringing in an affair partner.

There is no secrecy about the marital unhappiness. There is usually no secret about

The permanent triangle- some people don't want to be married and they don't want to be divorced. They want everything as stable as possible. They do not want the stress of philandering. They have past their romantic phase. They don't believe that swapping wives or husbands will make them any happier. They have a permanent triangle with the lover so that it stabilizes the marriage. It protects it from intimacy, and provides a safe outlet from having to fall in love.

Sex haters - some people just don't like sex. There are really marriages that have been sexless for years, even decades. They may have even told their partners to go outside for sex. Of course just because someone tells you to go outside to find sex, doesn't mean he or she will like it when you do. In this situation, the infidel may even fall in love with the sex partner, even if she is a prostitute. They truly need love and connection.

There are many other types of arrangements you will find - from swingers to revenge affairs.

Treatment Strategy: Entitlement Affairs

They would have to be willing to do many monologue exercises to build a friendship and vulnerability in the relationship.

As one or both partners may feel horribly lonely, they will have to try and find recreational activities together to build interesting activities and lifestyle back into the relationship.

For those who lack emotional and sexual connection, you can try the activities for Avoidance affair types.

Remember, that the issues in this marriage are deeply rooted in the psychology of the individual.

Take the couple through the 7 Step program together Encourage them to set rituals for their relationship Grow the friendship by focusing on completing homework activities, monologues, intimacy exercises, and healthy communication.

TYPE 5: SPLIT-SELF AFFAIRS

Vulnerability comes from need for affection & attention The focus has not been on the marriage but the happiness and needs of the family. The marriage typically revolved around the children “The Great Family Man” “The Perfect Mother” Little if any attention to marriage enrichment Cheater will break up with the lover to “save face” with work and social or work position.

AKA: The Romanic Affair, Middle Age Crisis, Coming Out Affair About:

Romantic Affairs are intense. Of all the basic types of affairs, none is so crazy as falling in love with someone who is not your spouse. Often the romantic affair partner is someone much younger or older, someone with even bigger problems than our own, or with a lifestyle that is filled with the excitement that we feel has been missing from our lives.

“They feel life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost.” ― Suzanne Finnamore

The Split Selves have tried to do marriage right. Both spouses have sacrificed their own feelings and needs to take care of others, and the deprivation has caught up with one of them. The affair is serious, long-term and passionate. The spouse who is having the affair focuses on deciding between the marriage and the affair partner and avoids looking at the inner split.

The "split-self" affair is generally a man living a double life, who values the comfort and appearance of a long-term marriage but also has a mistress, maybe even another family. We give a "poor" prognosis for resolving issues that come out of these affairs, but a "low" probability of divorce - perhaps the most depressing combination.

Why this affair happened?

The split self-affair is an attempt to experience the emotional self that has been denied for a lifetime in the service of doing things right. Typically this has been a middle aged mans affair, someone who has been married for 20 or more years, and he regards himself as a family man.

These men may never have had a strong emotional bond with their wives, and married to gain security all status, or to get away from home, to legitimize a child already on the way, or because it seemed to be what they should do.

Love had little to do with their marriage because the mantra was they would make it work. Personal needs were put on the back burner, as a try to make this family be what they believed a family should be.

Family of origin

Split selves, both the infidel, and the spouse, are people who learned early in life that they were supposed to do the right thing, rather than pay attention to their own needs and feelings. They have used their rational selves to survive and succeed. Because they have had to sacrifice their emotional selves in order to survive, they are about five years old emotionally.

The family they know best, the one they grew up in, provided a negative model. Split selves have worked at being just the opposite of their original family. If mother was smothering, they create some distance. If dad was angry, they are nice. Their intent was to build the perfect family- and this means Caretaking and accommodating.

When problems happen

It often becomes apparent in midlife, when the kids leave home. This leaves the couple with even less to talk about. As they lack in emotional partnership, they will look elsewhere for relief and satisfaction.

Close work friendships often provide some of the emotional satisfaction that is missing at home. Typically the affair partner is a unmarried woman a generation younger, who has unresolved issues with her father that she plays out in the affair.

The younger woman is attentive, understanding, and accommodating. The affair is invigorating. It brings excitement and romance.

In this affair type, the marriage feels empty, as opposed to sexual addiction with the individual feels empty.

The couple may or may not even share a bedroom and may lead very separate lives. Their communication is limited to practical matters like taking out the garbage or social necessities.

The Lovers Profile:

• The affair itself is a serious relationship. • Much younger that the infidel – typically by 10 years + • One up/One down relationship • The lover will be waiting patiently for the infidel to get up enough courage to leave the wife/husband • They feel passionately for each other. • Has unresolved FOO issues; boundary issues • Comfortable living in a “fantasy” state for an extended period of time.

Research

A Romantic Affair is what might be called an “affair of the heart.” It is one in which a strong connection and intimacy is felt by the person having the affair.

A person involved in a Romantic Affair will often speak of having found his or her “soul mate.” The draw can be quite powerful and feels almost as if fate has brought the parties together. For those involved in such an affair, the feelings attraction and connection can cause them to forsake nearly everything they might have to be with their lover.

While there is a common assumption that men and women fall in love at different rates, or that men cheat primarily for sex while women are more likely to be looking for an emotional connection, this may not always be the case. Dr. Frank Pittman suggests that men are typically more honest about the sex than women, perhaps because men are better able to separate the issue of sex from that of emotional attachment. He believes that this is due in large part to the fact that men have their

© Copyright 2015 by The Infidelity Recovery Institute, all rights reserved 108 genitals on the outside rather than inside and so men seem to separate sexual response from a lasting and committed relationship more easily than do women.

Gender Differences in Romantic Affairs

In his practice, he says that he has seen many cases where men admit to the sex and deny any emotional connection to the affair partner, while women tend to talk of strong emotions and feelings of love while denying that sex took place. He believes that if a man denies the sexual context of the affair and dwells on the emotional connection above all else, he is probably lying. He finds that women, on the other hand, more easily talk of an emotional connection and the feelings induced by an affair while denying any sexual context to the entire episode.

Given the general gender differences in response to sex, many of these women may also be lying. It does, however, point to a significant difference between the sexes when it comes to the response to having an affair. The reasons men often give for an affair are related to more sex while women typically point to emotional reasons for deciding to cheat. At the same time, there is no real evidence that men and women fall in love at different rates, or that one sex cheats entirely for love while the other does so for sex.

Those caught up in a romantic affair seem quite capable of sacrificing any part of their lives to prolong or sustain the relationship. They are willing to give up their jobs, break up their families, destroy their own finances and give up almost anything that belongs to them to feed the relationship. Among the various types of affairs, romantic affairs are most likely to lead to divorce, though very few lead to lasting relationships between the affair partners. The obsessive desire to sacrifice for the cause diminishes as the chemical rush of the relationship subsides, and little is left that can be given by the time that takes place. The feelings of “I gave up everything for you” demand ever-higher levels of sacrifice in return, and with little return on investment, the feelings wane and eventually die.

The perfect romantic affair is between a victim and a rescuer. The ideal affair partner is that damsel (or dumsel) in distress, someone with even bigger problems than our own. They typically begin by helping the affair partner with some serious crisis and, as often as not, this crisis is related to the marriage of one or both of those about to have an affair. Intimacy is created that, while based on a falsehood coupled with a wildly out-of-character and even out-of-context sexual or emotional connection, leads the affair partners to the conclusion that the affair is kismet or destiny.

Advice for the betrayed spouse

Romantic affairs are the hardest to break when discovered, and they often go without detection until the cheating spouse leaves the marital home. They usually come as a complete shock to the spouse being left behind and seem so out of character that many looking upon the sequence of events question the sanity to the person having such an affair. Those involved in such an affair exhibit the symptoms of narcissistic and borderline personality disorders.

Little can be done to counter this type of affair. Various attempts to shock the unfaithful spouse out of the insanity of throwing away a life that has taken years to build are met with speeches of the marriage being wrong or for the wrong reasons, and this new relationship having all the right characteristics. The new is in reality mere fantasy, based in large part on the excitement of its inappropriateness. Not many couples recover from this type of affair unless the affair is ended or nearly so by the time of discovery, or unless it is discovered and confronted in the very beginning stages.

Once a spouse commits to leaving the marriage for this new relationship, the affair is seen as the new and right relationship, and the marriage has been turned into the biggest mistake of the cheater’s life. Every reason that can be given as to why the marriage should be saved has already been resolved in the mind of the person walking away. Even if the affair itself dies quite soon after the choice to leave is made, a return to the marriage is nearly impossible and another “newer” and “better” relationship is sought instead. The old has been justified into being unviable and sent to the scrap heap as so much garbage.

Some couples do one day get back together after separation and divorce as the result of romantic affairs, but not many. However, there are some involved in such affairs who one day see the folly of what they are doing and choose to try to return to the marriage.

If the marriage was generally good or long term and both spouses had a strong sense of commitment to family and vows, some are willing to end the affair. This is more likely in the very early stages of the affair, which is why it is critical in a marriage to be aware of what is going on in the life of your spouse.

Once your spouse is in love with someone else, it might seem to be too late for the marriage. Since one of the subsets of romantic affairs is the conflicted romantic affair, this is not always the case. This is the classic “torn between two lovers” scenario about which songs, movies and romance novels rely upon for their lyrics and plots. In this case, a person feels as if they are in love with two people at the same time and do not really want to give either one up. When confronted, they often respond by claiming they want a divorce to pursue the affair relationship. Few actually follow through with this idea, however. What they want is the marriage and the affair. It is usually little more than an attempt to leverage the spouse who confronted them into accepting the idea of allowing them to continue both relationships.

If a romantic affair is discovered and confronted early enough, or if the cheating spouse does not see it as a replacement for the marriage, or the affair has not been justified by turning the marriage into Hell on Earth, even romantic affairs, especially the conflicted romantic affair can result in reconciliation. Ignoring the infidelity once discovered or being so out of touch with your spouse that your first sign of trouble is when you come home to find the house empty is not very likely to result in keeping the marriage intact.

Treatment Strategy: Split Self

Your challenge will be with having the Infidel commit to Step 1: Commitment. The Infidel will say to you that they will not contact the lover over the next 90 days, but as they are “in love” with this person, here is the challenge – they won’t be able to stay away, so don’t ask them to lie! They will have a challenge in writing the Letter to the Lover activity, and delivering the letter.

In this affair type, you may need to be flexible in running your program, knowing that the lover is lurking in the background. The same can be said for Step 2: The affair story. The absolute truth is often too overwhelming for the betrayed partner, and can be counterproductive to the global program outcome.

With the Spilt Self Affair Type, it is best to focus on the positive aspects of the relationship in your treatment strategy. The marriage has been going for over two decades so have the couple do relationship enrichment assessments and activities earlier rather than later helps create empathy, friendship, love and rapport, where we can then work on communication and conflict resolution.

Suggestions: 1. Begin the program with a Prepare Enrich Assessment, or Emotional Needs Questionairee. 2. Set the MSTL activity on the first session, for the couple to work on over the coming weeks together – positive activity, reviewing their long relationship, during a traumatic time. 3. Have every other session as an individual session with the Infidel. Rapport building is needed here, so you can understand the true nature between the infidel and the lover, and advise accordingly. The split between staying and going is often strong, and if you are a coach, this is a point where you would refer out to a professional therapist or counselor for individual sessions. DO NOT try and work on this issue yourself. The issues go back to Family of Origin and only a trained professional can advise the client. 4. The clients will have a renewed interest in their relationship in the first 30 to 60 days. But …be warned. This is short lived. The betrayed spouse cannot compete with the younger lover unless the emotional needs are consistently meet, and before long, the infidel will be back in the lovers arms. 5. Aftercare – Follow up with both the couple and the infidel is very important, and needs to be done by the coach. After Step 7, we recommend seeing the couple every month for the first 6 months, and depending on the infidel, they may need to come in every month individually as well. As both people have lost motivation, and require 3rd party reassurance and coaching, a monthly visit can help keep the relationship on track and remind the infidel of what is important. After 6 months, we recommend every 3 months till 2 years. Then an annual “Relationship Health Check” using Prepare Enrich.

Tips:

• The infidel can't decide whether to end the marriage or end the affair. They will flip-flop between which relationship should end. As a coach, they will be expecting you to help them decide. • The infidel may wish to see you by him or herself. They will feel troubled, unentitled and stuck. They will typically be chronically depressed, although they will function very well in their career. • The outlook for marriage reconciliation is poor. If they decide to stay in the marriage they may remain emotionally committed to the affair. These affairs can continue until death. • This spouse is often shattered beyond relief. Obsessing over the affair and the affair partner requires attention. The couple may need help with the depression if it is affecting day-to-day life.

• It is important to get commitment from the infidel, to work on the relationship for at least 90 days. The affair partner will probably be in the background somewhere. You can suggest that all forms of competing attachments must not interfere with this 90 day commitment. • You may receive positive results by introducing new rituals into the relationship. Especially in the areas of sex and intimacy. Couple might also enjoy the monologues and reflecting on the life together using the marriage satisfaction timeline exercise. • The couple will really enjoy learning about each other's emotional needs. They will discover much about themselves as well as each other in this exercise.

CASE STUDIES:

Examples of how we could tell the following clients were having a “Split Self” Affair.

1. Mona & Ossama • Both Doctors married over 20 years • Affair with one person • Affair length, 10 years • Affair partner 15 years his junior, & in a lower position/subordanint position to his • Marital Relationship best described as “functional” • Personal issues: Depression (both), STD (Mona) • Proud of their career path/status as Dr’s, social status, religious affiliation, and as parents to 4 children.

Result: After Ossama realized that Mona was able to meet his emotional needs, and was a funny woman, a wonderful lover, and great company, he was finally able to cut ties with the lover. The lover did not accept the decision with grace, and we worked with the couple to rid the lover from the relationship. The path to Mona’s recovery was tough, and had many challenges. Mona and Ossama worked on their own personal issues, and realized that they did fall in love and marry for love. We worked on a trial separation during the most stressful times, and viewed what a life apart would

2. Clive & Jenny • Lawyer & University Professor • Married over 22 years • Affair with one person • Affair length, 3 years • Affair partner 18 years his junior, & in need of support • Personal Issue – Middle Age Crisis: “I’ve never had children and the lover has two young children I can raise like my own” ;“Looking at the wife’s aging body makes me feel old.” • Proud of career path/status in community, law society

Result: Beware of the couple that presents themselves to clinic composed and steady, as you are about to see a wind storm! This was not the first time Clive had been busted cheating with the same woman. However, the line was drawn when Jenny found out that Clive had placed the other woman and her two children in the rental property, and was visiting them regularly. Truth be told, Clive enjoying not only the company of the younger woman, but of being a Dad. Clive had been focused on his career and had not the chance to raise children of his own. Here was his chance.

His relationship with Jenny was fulfilling as well. They shared a full social life and Jenny kept herself very well for a woman in her late 50s. Yet Clive was having a midlife crisis and looking at Jenny’s aging body “turns me off.”

Clive came to individual coaching and said honesty and with wide open eyes, “Jenny is happy and has a wonderful life, so if I am not hurting Jenny, what is wrong with having (the lover).” This comment is common in those having the Split Self Affair.

Clive agreed to Step 1 for at least a 90 day period to sort through his emotions. He asked the lover to leave the rental property. Jenny was proud of him and gave her distance to allow this process to happen. Jenny asked for full detail in Step 2, and Clive told Jenny the entire story. As the couple were also doing the Gottman communication activities as HW, they were applying these principles during Step 2 “which helped lot, and stopped us from going back into our old arguing cycle.” Step 3 required weekly counseling sessions working on his FOO and Identity. Once again,

© Copyright 2015 by The Infidelity Recovery Institute, all rights reserved 114 time to hand over to a therapist if you are not licensed. Step 4 & Step 5 were readily accepted and enjoyed by the couple, who were looking for structured new activities in their relationship. By Step 6, they were both talking about a recommitment ceremony. However, as life became routine and Clive’s desire for the lover cycled back (through text messages), Clive slipped back into the affair.

At this stage, I advised Jenny to end the relationship with Clive until the lover is completely out of Clive’s life. This was after presenting the couple with alternative options on lifestyle. Jenny had been working on her boundaries in our personal sessions, and decided that she would not accept Clive having another affair, and needed to look after her own future and security. She took back her power.

TYPE 6: EXIT AFFAIRS AKA: Out The Door Affair

“Finally it’s my turn”

Exiters are Conflict Avoiders at heart, but they take it further. One spouse has already decided to leave the marriage and the affair provides the justification. The other partner usually blames the affair rather than looking at how their marriage got to this point.

AFFAIR TYPE OVERVIEW

The relationship had underlying tension and resentment building up for years (perhaps starting before their wedding) They are either unwilling to meet each other’s needs, or unwilling to talk about meeting each others needs. The lack of conflict, is often misinterpreted as a sign “all is fine” Leaving the relationship is often surrounded in guilt, however staying in the relationship would be unbearable. The relationship with the lover would typically only last as long as the pain of leaving the relationship. The cheater will often spend many years by themselves avoiding commitment and “entrapment.”

Why the affair happened

This type of affair is usually the outcome of the 20 year train of thought based on some marker: - The kids leaving home - The end of a career - end of government service Or – Coming out

The affair is actually initiated years earlier in the mind of the infidel, and the marriage relationship is maintained and tolerated by the infidel on the basis of the future plan.

By the time the infidel is ready to leave the infidel often say "I've toyed with this idea for many years and I finally decided to do it"

The plan to actually leave the spouse usually comes as a result of the spouses refusal to change, adapt, communicate, or meet some key relationship need in the marriage. The infidel, or future infidel, may try to discuss his or her needs with the spouse, but the Spouse doesn't want to hear or doesn't want to understand.

After a time of arguing about the need, the infidel gives up and resigns himself to enduring the marriage until he can get out of it. The infidel tolerates the tension for many years on the basis of his decision to leave in the future. The spouse will interpret the lack of conflict as a sign that things are going fine. Big mistake!

Quite often the infidel will come to a counselor or coach in order to help the spouse in the aftermath and crisis. They wish no harm to their spouse.

After separating from the spouse, the infidel rarely marries the affair partner. If they do the new marriage will rarely last beyond two years. The lover simply serves as an aid to empower the infidel to leave the pain of the marriage.

The infidel really wants no commitment, and a new freedom.

TREATMENT: Exit Affairs

Exit affairs are very hard to treat. The infidel is exhausted. They will be polite and sit in coaching with their spouse. But the infidel will be indifferent. They have been waiting patiently in the marriage for a long time to make their get away – and here is their chance.

The spouse is still in some stage of panic – wanting to keep their spouse, and using every OLD line of control, guilt, manipulation they have used for the last 10 to 30 years. At the same time, they will say they are open to working on the marriage (secretly resentful and not taking personal ownership for the state of the marriage.)

The infidel has no faith in their spouse to change, and therefore would rather risk life alone and divorced. No more false life. No more guilt & secrecy.

If you doubt your judgment on the affair type, have an individual session with the cheating spouse. If you have established report, they will tell you their true

By doing activities such as the marriage satisfaction timeline, The four Horsemen, conflict resolution skills, understanding their attachment style, and helping them to set boundaries, will help the couple gain much needed insight into their marriage.

Be sensitive to administering activities such as the Sexual Fulfillment Survey – if the couple is unlikely to recover. A discussion around healthy sexual relationships could be more beneficial at this stage.

The betrayed spouse will have a better chance of recovery if the cheater completes the 7 step program, and provides the closure needed. Without this closure, betrayed women of exit affairs statistically never remarry or have serious relationships.

Working through the forgiveness and apology activities will also be hugely beneficial. This shows respect for the betrayed partner and respect for the marriage.

With this affair type, I do not focus heavily on ending the affair activities. I focus more on personal healing, and personal growth.

Aftercare

The betrayal spouse should stay in counseling/therapy and work through feelings of adjustment; depression; anxiety; abandonment; and coping skills.

It is unlikely this couple will remain together. However you should still contact them every three, six, nine, and 12 months to check if they need your assistance. If they remain together they should do a Prepare Enrich assessment. And take it from there.

It maybe helpful to bring the couple back after 3 months (even if divorced) to facilitate family meetings and positive relationships. Affairs can fracture adult children’s relationships with their parents as well. Check in with the family to see how everyone is coping, and if you can help.

Chance for reconciliation: Highly unlikely May force the cheater to marry the lover to put certainty in dissolve If reconciliation would happen it would be after the “bubble pops” – generally in two years

TYPE 7: ADDICTION AFFAIRS AKA: The “Sex Addict”

Most people are familiar with how Tiger Woods’ sexual addiction drove him to have an extraordinary number of affairs. In fact, many people who have had a Tiger Woods type of affair, describe themselves as relatively happy in their relationship. However, they’ve never been able to find complete fulfillment from it because they are enslaved by obsessive needs and compulsive behaviors.

Hard as it is for many to believe, sex addicts truly feel powerless in their ability to control their desires.

Just like Tiger, more often than not the sex addict does not want his/her marriage to fail. It’s about something inside of them, not the marriage. Usually they were addicts before the marriage and may have stopped for a while when first married only to be pick up again when they realize that the marriage can’t meet the needs of their addiction.

They may feel trapped in a destructive cycle of feeling hopelessly trapped by their behaviors and at times by their marriages, but are afraid to come clean because they don’t want to lose their marriage or their addictive behavior.

This type of betrayal can be very difficult for the spouse because a) the breadth of the betrayal can seem so enormous b) while most people can understand alcohol or drug addiction, sexual addiction is a tough one for most to have much empathy for.

AFFAIR TYPE OVERVIEW: • Multiple Partners • Impulsive development “Can’t help themselves” – even at risk of losing their jobs, and family. • FOO Issues • Recovery – slower recovery, but can be successful • Length of affair can go over years/ periods of binges • The seduction is just as important as the affair • The sex addict has little to any relationship with the affair partner • Turns to sex when feeling lonely, empty, in pain, or uncomfortable • The behavior runs in a predictable cycle • Much of the addictive behavior can be seen on porn sites, chat rooms

SEX ADDICTS PROFILE Self-Serving - Often lies, cheats and steals to get the relief needed Has a detached attachment style Compulsive behavior o Regular pornography view o Visits to prostitutes, “rub & tug” parlors, strip clubs o Unprotected sex Multiple partners at same time or going from Partner to Partner Little if any emotional attachment with the affair partner. If there was emotional attachment, it quickly diminishes. “The relationship is about the sex.” The ‘lover’ is typical a lower social position than the ‘cheater’ The thrill is in the chase

BETRAYED SPOUSE PROFILE • Co-dependency • Will put up with behavior for a long time • Presents a brave face to the outside world • Partners live rather separate lives • Will tend to cover or defend the cheaters behaviour

Love Addicts Men (OR WOMEN) who seek excitement by falling in love with one affair partner after another may be love addicts. They are addicted to the high associated with the first stage of a relationship (Stage I). They appear to be incurable romantics who idealize their affair partners until reality bites or someone even more perfect comes along. The marriage suffers because of their perception that although they still love their wife, they are "in love" with the other woman. They are easily identified as men who engage in sequential monogamy; i.e. they are faithful only as long as the romantic idealization endures, but they bail out as soon as the excitement wears off and start another Stage I relationship.

What is Sex Addiction?

• Addictions are generally characterized by compulsiveness, shame or guilt, and feelings of worthlessness. • Addicted individuals are driven by the high they experience and are unable to resist their impulses despite the potential or actual cost to career, family, or self.

• The sexual addict is preoccupied with sex.

“A forbidden act or illicit relationship which increases tension, accelerates physiological arousal, and focuses the drive toward that which offers pleasure. Relief which is obtained through orgasm is only temporary and is followed by regret and shame. The cycle starts again as anxiety builds up which can only be relieved by the sexual behavior.”

(NOTE: In contrast, the entitled philanderer feels little guilt, is open to opportunities, but is not anxious during periods of abstinence.)

The Need For Excitement The need for excitement is an especially compelling component for the sexually addicted man. He must remain married so his wife can assume the important role of the disapproving parent because secrecy and barriers intensify his passion.

Sneaking around behind his wife's back adds to the thrill, even if the wife has no awareness of his extramarital involvements. Living on the edge such as being on the verge of bankruptcy and thrill seeking activities such as Black Diamond skiing or drag racing may also be sought after because of the constant drive for an adrenaline high.

According to the Sexual Recovery Institute, Sexual addiction is “a persistent and escalating pattern or patterns of sexual behaviors acted out despite increasingly negative consequences to self or others.” The Sexual Recovery Institute states that the following behaviors are among those that may indicate sexual addiction: masturbation, simultaneous or repeated sequential affairs, viewing pornography, cybersex, phone sex, multiple anonymous partners, unsafe sexual activity, partner sexualization or objectification, visiting strip clubs adult bookstores, prostitution,

sexual aversion.

Therapists maintain that sexual addiction is similar to alcoholism. Donna R. Bellafiore, MSW, LCSW, refers to sexual addiction as a brain disease that must be controlled through a 12-step program. “A sexual addict may want to stop the behavior but is unable to do so”, she says, “even when the behavior contradicts his or her own value system.”

There is a compulsive quality with sexual addiction that does not exist in people who have had a few affairs during the course of their marriage.

THE FAMILY OF ORIGIN Underneath addictive behavior is shame, toxic shame. Children who have had emotional needs ignored in favor of the parents needs, learn to abandon their own feelings and display behavior designed to prevent abandonment.

Toxic shame is unbearable and always necessitates a cover-up, a false self. Since one feels his true self is defective and flawed, he needs a false self which is not defective and flawed. Once one becomes a false self, one ceases to exist psychologically.

The compulsive pursuit of sexual encounters is an attempt to avoid the pain of the inner emptiness. The addict rationalizes his behavior, just as the alcoholic or drug addict does, and blinds himself to the risk his taking and the effects of his behavior on others.

THE SEX ADDICTION CYCLE

This cycle describes what happens inside someone who has a sexual addiction. First a pain agent is triggered; it could be any kind of emotional discomfort (i.e.. pain, fear, shame, anger, etc.), it could be unresolved conflict (inner or outer), it could be stress, or it could be the need to connect with another.

If the person doesn't take care of the pain agent in a healthy way, he may then move into the second stage of this cycle - disassociation. In this stage, you begin to disassociate or move away from your self and your feelings; a separation begins to take place between your mind and your emotional self.

If a person does nothing to help himself reconnect with himself at this stage, he may move into the third stage called the altered state. In this stage you become very disconnected from yourself and your emotions, so that sexual acting out makes sense (usually there is a lot of thinking about how good it will be and an absence of any awareness of any negative consequences). Reality becomes blocked out.

From this altered state stage, a person generally moves on to the pursuing behavior stage. In this stage, one begins to take action towards the acting out; perhaps by making a phone call to a sex line, or by getting in a car and taking off to find a prostitute, etc.

The next stage is the behavior itself - whatever it is for each particular person. Then the final stage of the cycle is time, which simply represents the amount of time until the whole cycle begins again. This is different for each person; it could be several hours, a day or a week.

What is particularly important about this cycle is that it shows how in stage 1 the pain agents are what trigger the complete addictive cycle. What a person needs to do therefore is to work right at stage 1. One needs to learn how to deal with these pain agents in healthy ways, because if you do not you may begin to move deeper into the cycle. It is also possible to work in the 2nd stage by learning to recognize when you are disassociating from your self, and then learning how to reconnect with your self and your feelings.

If you can do this, you can stop the cycle from continuing. However, if a person has done nothing (or has not been able) to deal with one or more of the pain agents, or has not been able to reconnect with their feelings from the 2nd stage, he will most likely move into the 3rd stage - the altered state stage.

In the 3rd stage it's usually too late to get out of the cycle; in other words, once you get into the altered state stage, you are most likely going to act out. This is why it's so important to work in the 1st or 2nd stage. This is why it is so important to work with any difficult feelings coming up, or in dealing with stress in healthy ways, or in recognizing that one has a need to connect with another and taking action to get this need met. In addition, one can learn when he is disassociated or cut off from himself and learn healthy ways to deal with it.

A lot of people end up getting down on themselves for not being to get out of the altered state stage. This is the stage usually where your thinking about doing something sexually really gets going. The truth is that for many people, once you've gotten to this stage it's very hard to derail the cycle - it will usually happen, particularly for early recovery people. It helps to know this (especially if you are early in recovery) so that you can be easier on yourself when you do act out and so you can learn to work on the stage 1 thing(s) that most commonly trigger the whole acting out cycle.

The main benefit of this cycle is that it clarifies how the pain agents begin the cycle, and that the most effective way to work on a sex addiction is at stage 1. When working at stage 1, you need to first learn what issues you have that are triggering the cycle, which will be one or more of the 4 pain agents (childhood trauma is included here as it can cause any of the 4). Then you need to begin to understand what these issues are all about, and then to begin both resolving them and learning how to deal with them when they come up.

TREATMENT: Sex Addict Affair Type

No significant marital healing can be accomplished or initiated before the infidel has:

1. Made conscious efforts to recognize and change his belief system 2. Submitted to structure and accountability in his daily schedule

Note that when a Type 7 affair gets into an accountability schedule, they will be, at first, tremendously bored. While he may acknowledge the old behavior was self- destructive, his feelings will take a while to catch up. The boredom will be followed by depression, introspection, and eventually a return to the normal feelings necessary to reestablish the emotional intimacy with the spouse.

RELATIONSHIP SURVIVAL

Exposure and the removal of secrecy really help the infidel find safety in their marriage, and reattach to their spouse. It helps take the affairs out of the fantasy world and into reality.

The outcome can be fantastic with this type of affair: The relationship will have a routine for connection and quality time The infidel will build to regaining trust by remaining transparent Both people will work on boundaries Both work on more honest and authentic communication Keep working on intimacy and sexual excitement for the relationship – both in touch and shared fantasy.

FURTHER READING RECOMMENDATION FOR THEAPISTS: TREATING SEXUAL ADDICTION

For the most part, effective sexual addiction treatment strategies mirror the techniques that have also proven useful with substance abuse treatment. In short, sex addiction treatment specialists rely on a combination of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), group therapy, trauma-informed assessment and awareness, and 12- step recovery work. One major treatment difference when dealing with sex addiction versus substance addiction is the definition of sobriety. With substance abuse, sobriety involves complete abstinence from all mood-altering substances, whereas sexual sobriety involves an ongoing commitment to behavior change but not long-term abstinence from sex. As such, sexual addiction sobriety is more easily compared to the way we handle eating disorders (understanding that clients cannot stop eating altogether).

As a first step toward creating sexual sobriety, a recovering sex addict, working with his or her therapist and/or 12-step sponsor, carefully defines the specific sexual behaviors that are (and are not) causing profound dysfunction in his or her life. Once those behaviors are clearly delineated, a written “sexual sobriety contract” is created, plainly stating which sexual behaviors the client will need to abstain from, and which are healthy and acceptable for that specific individual (taking into account his or her values, beliefs, and life-goals). As such, the definition of sexual sobriety can differ for each client. For example, the sexual sobriety contract created by a 28-year-old single gay man will probably be very different than the contract created by a 48-year-old married man with three children. In other words, a sex

© Copyright 2015 by The Infidelity Recovery Institute, all rights reserved 126 addict’s goals for behavior change are rooted in the problematic behaviors that brought that person into treatment in the first place (angry spouse, STDs, trouble at work, arrest, concurrent drug abuse, etc.), and also in that person’s life goals for the present and the future. In this way, the addict’s motivation for change both starts and remains high, as the addict sees that the elimination of problematic sexual behaviors will alleviate his or her present-day issues, while also helping to build self-esteem and a sense of control over life.

When sex addicts enter a sexual addiction/intimacy disorders treatment setting, clinical goals typically include:

o Separating the addict from his or her harmful sexual behaviors o Breaking through the addict’s denial regarding the problematic nature of those activities o Helping the client grieve the loss of who he or she may have seen himself/herself to be (versus what that person’s sexual behavioral history reveals) o Helping the addict understand how past trauma, abuse, and/or neglect have informed his or her early learning experiences and current dependency needs o Reducing shame by helping the client view his or her adult sexual act out as a learned means of self-soothing, affect management, and dissociation (a misguided coping mechanism) rather than an inherent character defect o Providing relapse prevention, self-care and stress management techniques, family crisis resolution, aftercare planning, and the like

Because it is very difficult for either active or newly sober sex addicts to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy sexual behaviors, a brief period of total sexual abstinence (masturbation included) is usually encouraged, especially while the client is in primary treatment. Most often this period of abstinence lasts 30, 60, or 90 days, depending on the individual. This allows the sex addict, again working in conjunction with his or her therapist and/or sponsor, a sex-free cooling off period in which to fully assess his/her romantic and sexual acting out patterns (seduction, manipulation, lies, etc.) while also developing some basic coping skills that can be used when the desire to act out arises.

As mentioned above, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is the recommended therapeutic modality for treating addiction. For those unfamiliar with this work, CBT looks at the emotions and events that trigger and reinforce the addict’s desire to engage in compulsive sexual activity, and then it identifies healthy ways for the client to short-

© Copyright 2015 by The Infidelity Recovery Institute, all rights reserved 127 circuit the process. In other words, CBT teaches addicts to transition their addictive sexual thoughts and behaviors into healthy self-care actions – usually things like going to a 12-step meeting, reaching out to a peer/therapist/friend/family member for support, and actively developing a spiritual connection. Essentially, CBT focuses on living a sexually sober life in the here and now rather than on uncovering and processing past traumas. As such, the therapist’s role, at least early on in sexual sobriety, is to implement a task-oriented, accountability-based methodology geared toward containment of the client’s problematic sexual behaviors. Later on, once sexual sobriety is firmly established, the therapist and client can look at other, deeper issues.

Unsurprisingly, the process of sexual recovery often presents challenges that can’t be dealt with solely in individual, one-on-one therapy. Like other addicts, sex addicts nearly always require external reinforcement and support if they want to permanently change their deeply rooted patterns of behavior. Sex addiction focused group therapy can be extremely helpful in this regard. Generally, a treatment specialist works with between six and ten same-gender sex addicts. (Co-ed sex addiction therapy groups are a bad idea!) The facilitated group setting is a great way for sex addicts to learn that their problems are not unique, which goes a long way toward reducing the shame associated with their behaviors. Group therapy is also the ideal place to confront the denial that is so integral to sexual addiction. Such confrontations are powerful not only for the addict being confronted, but for the addicts doing the confronting. As such, everyone present learns how minimizations, justifications, and rationalizations sustain sexual addiction. Clients are also able to learn which interventions and coping mechanisms work best based on other members’ experiences.

If clients are struggling with core concepts of healing, or they just can’t seem to establish a footing in sexual sobriety, they may benefit from inpatient residential or intensive outpatient sexual addiction treatment. These intensive programs can last as little as two weeks or as long as several months, depending on the program and the client.

In addition to individual and group therapy (and perhaps inpatient or intensive outpatient treatment), sex addicts nearly always benefit from 12-step “S” meetings. Sexaholics Anonymous (SA), Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA), Sexual Compulsives Anonymous (SCA), Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), and Sexual Recovery Anonymous (SRA) are all nationwide programs for sex addicts. Some meetings are open to anyone who wishes to attend, while others are open only to those who

© Copyright 2015 by The Infidelity Recovery Institute, all rights reserved 128 identify as sexually addicted. A few meetings are gender specific. It is best to check ahead by looking meetings up online or by calling the group’s local hotline number. Needless to say, every sex addict’s treatment arc is different. Each individual arrives with specific problematic sexual behaviors and a unique background, so each client needs an approach tailored to his or her particular needs. Some will respond best to individual therapy supplemented by group and 12-step work. Others will do best in group settings, making little progress one-on-one. Still others will struggle utterly until they are physically separated from the people, places, and things that drive their addiction by the protective walls of inpatient treatment. The most important thing when dealing with sex addicts is to recognize their individuality in this respect, and to respond accordingly rather than by attempting to force-feed any particular approach, no matter how much success you’ve had with that approach in the past.

Source: Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT-S is Senior Vice President of Clinical Development with Elements Behavioral Health.

COMPARISON: One Night Stand to Sexual Addiction Affairs

Common factor between these both is there is no “emotional involvement” Sexual addiction affairs & One Night Stands are classified differently even though a one-night stand can turn into sex addiction affair type if not caught or the behavior dealt with after first occurrence.

One night Stand Sexual Addiction Common with Business trips Recovery Can be easy, with Complex and long journey. Journey forgiveness. Coaching time Professional care from Mental can be brief Health Professional is generally Required Emotional None none Involvement Marital Problem None Issue from Family Of Origin or childhood/Attachment Style Sex experience Single experience; intense; Instant satisfaction with various with lover passionate; lustful partners; sexual activity preference grows more distorted over time Remorse Usually immediate & Intense Rarely. Affair Length of 1 night Years, with periods of binge Time behavior Consideration of None None Lover Chance of Affair If not dealt with properly, a High if not treated Happening pattern can immerge. The Again secrecy will create a loss in intimacy, encouraging emotional involvement with someone else.

COMPARISON: Avoidance Affairs to Exit Affairs They seam similar but these are the finer distinctions: Both these types have similarities to the marriage bond, hence making these type of affairs so dangerous Can be the most difficult to over come due to the emotional involvement

AVOIDANCE AFFAIRS ADD-ON AFFAIRS Conflict Avoidance Exit Affairs Intimacy Avoidance The Entitlement Affair Why Affair The relationship has emotional The relationship is lacking in some Happens issues of some type area (mainly sex) Issue with Unsatisfying emotional Lack of activities spouse interaction Affair Time Up to 24 months Can last for years SIMILARITIES Admiration & Affection; Rituals; Can occasionally develop in to a -Affair Fueled Deceit & Lies; Secret Avoidance Affair By: Communications; “Spouse does not understand me” attitude; enjoys the fantasy world brought on by the affair. Self delusion by saying the lover is “just a friend” Sex Passionate, and enjoyed by Initiated by 1 person; and experience lover and cheater sometimes done out of obligation with lover for the friendship. Rarely satisfying sex. Catch Up With Wants to catch up often with More infrequent – 2 or 3 times per Lover lover, and will do so where & year when possible Affair begins Work Social Group; Social Activity Infidel feels… Exhaustion, depressed, Refreshing, invigorating, confused brightening Talking about Often will make the spouse out Often will make the spouse out to spouse to to be be “better/good person” to the lover lover “issue/bad/problem/upsetting them” Intent to leave Will talk to lover about leaving Never talk about leaving family or Spouse spouse spouse Activities with Many – dating, gifts, vacations, Limited to single activity lover dinners, events Thought of Soul-Mate Good friend Lover