SEX ADDICTION and DIVORCE Cynthia L

Home , Sexual addiction, Sex Addicts Anonymous

SEX ADDICTION AND DIVORCE Cynthia L. Ciancio, Esq., and David A. Lamb, Esq. August 2015 – Family Law Institute

1. Sex Addiction, What is it? Is it Even Real?

While there still does not appear to be an official diagnoses of “sex addiction,” it certainly is real, and it is a growing prevalent problem in society. As divorce practitioners, we are experiencing more and more cases driven by an underlying sex addiction by one or both spouses. The degree and severity of the addiction vary widely from case to case.

The DSM-IV and V refer to sex addiction as “Hypersexuality” and/or “Sexual Disorders Not Otherwise Specified.” Web MD uses the term “hypersexual disorder (HD).” Other experts have referred to it simply as an “addiction disorder” or a “behavior disorder,” and others refer to sex addiction as being associated with “obsessive compulsive disorder.”

One treatment oriented website, The Recovery Ranch, had a concise definition followed by a criteria list as follows1:

DSM 5 PROPOSED DIAGNOSTIC CRITERIA FOR HYPERSEXUAL DISORDER Over a period of at least 6 months, recurrent and intense sexual fantasies, sexual urges, or sexual behaviors in association with 3 or more of the following 5 criteria:

1 Should Sexual Addiction Be In the DSM-V, http://www.recoveryranch.com/articles/sexual-addiction-hypersexuality-dsm-v/ 1

1. Time consumed by sexual fantasies, urges or behaviors repetitively interferes with other important (non-sexual) goals, activities and obligations. 2. Repetitively engaging in sexual fantasies, urges or behaviors in response to dysphoric mood states (e.g., anxiety, depression, boredom, irritability). 3. Repetitively engaging in sexual fantasies, urges or behaviors in response to stressful life events. 4. Repetitive but unsuccessful efforts to control or significantly reduce these sexual fantasies, urges or behaviors. 5. Repetitively engaging in sexual behaviors while disregarding the risk for physical or emotional harm to self or others. o Provided A: That there is clinically significant personal distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important areas of functioning associated with the frequency and intensity of these sexual fantasies, urges or behaviors. o Provided B: That these sexual fantasies, urges or behaviors are not due to the direct physiological effect of an exogenous substance (e.g., a drug of abuse or a medication) Specify if: Masturbation, Pornography, Sexual Behavior with Consenting Adults, Cybersex, Telephone Sex, Strip Clubs, Other

2. Statistics / Introduction

An estimated 17 to 37 million Americans struggle with this addictive disorder according to Patrick Carnes, 1994b; Cooper, Delmonico, & Burg, 2000; Morris, 1999; Wolfe, 2000.

These figures are greater than the combined number of Americans who are addicted to gambling or have eating disorders according to National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University, 2003; Potenza, Fiellin, Heninger, Rounsaville, & Mazure, 2002; Shaffer & Korn, 2002; Tenore, 2001.

In addition to the prevalence, the incidence of sexual addiction is rising, due in part to the affordability, accessibility, and anonymity of sexually explicit material available on the Internet (Cooper et al., 2000). Based on current trends, the prevalence of sexual addiction is predicted to continue rising at a rapid rate (Cooper, 2004). 2

We expect to see more and more divorce and custody cases involving sex addictions of varying degrees. As such, it is important, as practitioners, that we begin to educate ourselves on the addiction and the effects it has on each family member, as well as the impact it has on the pending divorce case. There are special considerations to be made when dealing with these cases and it is important to have a higher level of understanding, especially if you are interested

2Treating the Sexually Addicted Client: Establishing a Need for Increased Counselor Awareness W. Bryce Hagedorn (Journal of Addictions & Offender Counseling •April 2005 •Volume 25; http://pegasus.cc.ucf.edu/~drbryce/Treating_the_Sexually_Addicted_Client.pdf 3 in bringing the case to a close with the least amount of acrimony and damage. The practitioner is better equipped to deal with the parties if he or she has a better understanding of the addiction, the pain and trauma it may cause each person and child, as well as the impact it may have on all aspects of the case.

3. Sex Addiction and Acting Out Further Defined

The National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity has defined sexual addiction as “engaging in persistent and escalating patterns of sexual behavior acted out despite increasing negative consequences to self and others.” In other words, a sex addict will continue to engage in certain sexual behaviors despite facing potential health risks, financial problems, shattered relationships or even arrest. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Psychiatric Disorders, Volume Four describes sex addiction, under the category “Sexual Disorders Not Otherwise Specified,” as “distress about a pattern of repeated sexual relationships involving a succession of lovers who are experienced by the individual only as things to be used.” 3

According to the DSM-IV, sex addiction also involves “compulsive searching for multiple partners, compulsive fixation on an unattainable partner, compulsive masturbation, compulsive love relationships and compulsive sexuality in a relationship.”

4. Understanding The Addiction

3 Treating the Sexually Addicted Client: Establishing a Need for Increased Counselor Awareness W. Bryce Hagedorn (Journal of Addictions & Offender Counseling •April 2005 •Volume 25; http://pegasus.cc.ucf.edu/~drbryce/Treating_the_Sexually_Addicted_Client.pdf 4

In preparing our materials, we relied heavily on a number of resources, but in particular, found an excellent and informative article by Michael Herkov, Ph.D. http://psychcentral.com/lib/author/michael-h/. While it is an older publication, Dr. Herkov’s article is very helpful in understanding sexual addictions and disorders, and it gives guidance about the addiction and information related to the cause and effects (on the addict and the partner/non-addict spouse). There were several sections in Dr. Herkov’s article that we felt worth repeating in our materials:

Sexual addiction is best described as a progressive intimacy disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts. Like all addictions, its negative impact on the addict and on family members increases as the disorder progresses. Over time, the addict usually has to intensify the addictive behavior to achieve the same results. For some sex addicts, behavior does not progress beyond compulsive masturbation or the extensive use of pornography or phone or computer sex services. For others, addiction can involve illegal activities such as exhibitionism, voyeurism, obscene phone calls, child molestation or rape.

Sex addicts do not necessarily become sex offenders. Moreover, not all sex offenders are sex addicts. Roughly 55 percent of convicted sex offenders can be considered sex addicts. About 71 percent of child molesters are sex addicts.

For many, their problems are so severe that imprisonment is the only way to ensure society’s safety against them. Society has accepted that sex offenders act not for sexual gratification, but rather out of a disturbed need for power, dominance, control or revenge, or a perverted expression of anger. More recently, however, an awareness of brain changes and brain reward associated with sexual behavior has led us to understand that there are also powerful sexual drives that motivate sex offenses.

Increasing sexual provocation in our society has spawned an increase in the number of individuals engaging in a variety of unusual or illicit sexual practices, such as phone sex, the use of escort services and computer pornography. More of these individuals and their partners are seeking help.

The same compulsive behavior that characterizes other addictions also is typical of sex addiction. But these other addictions, including drug, alcohol and gambling dependency, involve substances or activities with no necessary relationship to our survival. For example, we can live normal and happy lives without ever gambling, taking illicit drugs or drinking alcohol. Even the most genetically vulnerable person will function well without ever being exposed to, or provoked by, these addictive activities.

Sexual activity is different. Like eating, having sex is necessary for human survival. Although some people

are celibate — some not by choice, while others choose celibacy for cultural or religious reasons — healthy humans have a strong desire for sex. In fact, lack of interest or low interest in sex can indicate a medical problem or psychiatric illness.

5. Medical/Psychological Recognition, Discussion and Recommendations

There is a journal called the Journal of Addictions & Offender Counseling, April 2005, Volume 25 in which Bruce Hagedorn and Gerald Juhnke, wrote an article titled Treating The Sexually Addicted Client: Establishing a Need for Increased Counselor Awareness.

We have copied excerpts from their article as well, below. The entire article can be found at: http://pegasus.cc.ucf.edu/~drbryce/Treating_the_Sexually_Addi cted_Client.pdf

Patrick Carnes (1994b), a pioneer in the sexual addiction field since 1976, noted that compulsive sexual behaviors resembled the progressive and chronic compulsive behaviors commonly found with other addictions. For this reason, Carnes chose to use the term sexual addiction to describe a set of maladaptive behaviors that were uncontrollable, that brought negative consequences upon the addicted individual, and that harmfully affected those involved with the addicted individual. He further noted that, similar to the early days when public education on alcoholism

7 spurred both ignorance and prejudice, controversy about the use of the term sexual addiction was to be expected.

Carnes suggested that the following set of criteria be accepted as clinically relevant for diagnosing an addictive disorder:

A maladaptive pattern of behavior, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by three (or more) of the following, occurring at any time in the same 12-month period:

1. tolerance, as defined by either of the following: a. a need for markedly increased amount or intensity of the behavior to achieve the desired effect b. markedly diminished effect with continued involvement in the behavior at the same level or intensity

2. withdrawal, as manifested by either of the following: a. characteristic psychophysiological withdrawal syndrome of physiologically described changes and/or psychologically described changes upon discontinuation of the behavior b. the same (or a closely related) behavior is engaged in to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms

3. the behavior is often engaged in over a longer period, in greater quantity, or at a higher intensity than was intended

4. there is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control the behavior

5. a great deal of time spent in activities necessary to prepare for the behavior, to engage in the behavior, or to recover from its effects

6. important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of the behavior

7. the behavior continues despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problem that is likely to have been caused or exacerbated by the behavior.

Carnes went on to emphasize that not all compulsive- like sexual behaviors are best explained as addictions. Whereas similar behaviors can be part of ongoing personality disorders, obsessive/compulsive disorders, sexual paraphilias, or other disorders, the lack of a separate diagnosis for an addictive disorder (with accompanying criteria) leaves counselors without relevant and appropriate diagnostic and treatment options.

Carnes (1992) conducted a comprehensive study of individuals who were sexually addicted and found high rates of comorbidity (appearance of multiple illnesses) between sexual addiction and other addictions. Carnes found in his participant sample that 42% of individuals who were sexually addicted were also chemically dependent, 38% had a comorbid eating disorder, 28% had issues with compulsive working, 26% were compulsive spenders, and 5% were compulsive gamblers.

Delmonico and Griffin (1997) identified comorbid addictions to drugs, spending, eating, and gambling among the sexually addicted sex offenders whom they studied.

In addition to comorbid addictive disorders, sexual addiction is often found in conjunction with common psychiatric disorders.

Many authors (Carnes, 1994a; Manley & Koehler, 2001; Ragan & Martin, 2000) describe the complications in assessing the presence of sexual addiction because it is often hidden, intentionally or not, behind other presenting issues, such as depression, suicide attempts, or anxiety.

Finally, Carnes (1994a) found that sexual addiction often accompanies such disorders as paranoia, depression, suicidal ideations, mania, anxiety, and obsessive-compulsiveness

6. Who is prone to sexual addiction?

According to the Mayo Clinic, about 80% of people with sexual compulsivity have been sexually or emotionally abused themselves. “When you have abuse in your background, you’re less likely to trust people, (and) you’re more likely to turn to something like sex addiction as a manifestation,” said psychologist Mark Schwartz. He also said that having feelings of being neglected as a child can lead to sexual compulsivity. Sex addiction is not limited to men; both men and women experience sex addiction. An excellent article about female hypersexuality, Sex ‘Addiction’ Isn’t a Guy Thing, analyzes the history of research on sex addictions in females. 4

7. The Behavior / Acting out

Signs and symptoms of sexual compulsivity may begin with excessive masturbation, obsessive use of pornography, or partaking in phone sex services. As the disorder develops, the severity of the symptoms increases. Individuals may compulsively date, engage in unsafe sex, and may have multiple or extra-marital affairs. In the digital ages, we see parties acting out their sexual addiction online, in text message, on social media sites, etc. There are secret websites and quick-delete social media sites designed primarily for private pictures (that are immediately deleted). There are also strip clubs, strippers, prostitutes, call girls/guys, swinger’s bars, swinger’s organizations, so on and so forth. These sexually deviant acts are harmful not only to the individual’s health, but also to their relationships with loved ones.

4 http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/11/sex-addiction-isnt-a-guy-thing/281401/ 11

As mentioned above, sexual compulsivity often occurs with other disorders, such as drug and/or alcohol dependence and eating disorders.

8. Assessment - “WASTE TIME” (acronym) - Diagnostic Criteria

In performing a thorough multimodal and multimethod assessment, counselors are encouraged to use both structured interviews and formal assessment instruments. Author Hagerdorn developed an acronym to serve as a structured interview for the purposes of diagnosing sexual addiction. As he points out, the designation of this particular acronym seemed appropriate given the tremendous amount of wasted time that most clients who are sexually addicted admit to in the pursuit of their sexual behaviors.

Each of the acronym’s letters corresponds to one or more of the diagnostic criteria:

W: Withdrawal “Have you experienced any withdrawal symptoms when you are unable to engage in sexual activities?”

Typical responses may include irritability, anxiety, depression, anger, and/or other negative mood states. Clients may also reveal using other behaviors or chemicals to supplement their addiction to sex.

A: Adverse consequences

“Have you experienced any negative or adverse consequences as a result of your sexual behaviors?”

Typical responses may include broken relationships, lost career opportunities, financial difficulties, physical injury, and/or psychological trauma. This question can lead to a discussion of the activities and life domains that have been reduced or sacrificed for the addictive disorder.

S: Inability to Stop. “Have you attempted to cut back, control, or stop your sexual behaviors without success, even when you know that continuing will cause you harm?”

Typical responses may include multiple attempts at stopping or controlling the addictive behaviors without success, even when faced with the knowledge that continuing poses a physical or psychological problem.

T: Tolerance or intensity. “Have you found it necessary to increase the amount or intensity of your sexual behaviors to achieve the same effect?”

Typical responses may include movement within levels (e.g., movement from compulsive-like, online sexual encounters coupled with masturbation to real-life encounters with multiple anonymous partners [examples of Level 1 behaviors]) or between levels (movement from Level 1 behaviors to compulsive-like

13 voyeurism or exhibitionism [examples of Level 2 behaviors] or from Level 2 behaviors to compulsive- like stalking and/or rape [examples of Level 3 behaviors]).

For a thorough discussion of the three levels of sexual addiction, read works by Carnes (1994b) such as Out of the Shadows.

E: Escape. “Do you use sexual activity as an escape from negative mood states, such as stress, anxiety, depression, sadness, loneliness, or anger?”

Typical responses may include any negative mood state.

T: Time spent. Time preparing, engaging, or recovering.

“Have you found yourself spending a lot of time preparing for, engaging in, or recovering from a sexual activity?”

Typical responses may include such ritualistic behaviors as cruising all evening in search of a sexual conquest, sexual exercises to increase stamina, or the use of addictive chemicals in preparation for sexual activities.

Time wasted:

“Have you been spending more time and/or more resources on your sexual activities than you intended?” This question will elicit such typical responses as hours spent on the Internet, a loss of sleep due to an entire weekend spent on voyeuristic activities, or a lost paycheck spent on sexual activities.

According to the author, an affirmative answer to one of the above questions suggests a strong possibility that a sexual addiction is present and indicates the need for further assessment as well as an intervention by a trained counselor. An affirmative answer to two or more of the questions indicates a high probability of sexual addiction, warranting immediate intervention by a trained counselor. Typical interventions include inpatient hospitalization, outpatient counseling, and/or self-help support group attendance.

In addition to structured interviews, several other assessment instruments are available to trained specialists to assist in the identification of sexually addictive behaviors.

Other Assessment Tests / Tools:

Sexual Addiction Screening Test (Carnes, 1994a); Sexual Dependency Inventory–Revised (Delmonico, Bubenzer, & West, 1998); Compulsive Sexual Disorders Interview (Black et al., 1997); and Sexual Compulsivity Scale (Cooper et al., 2000).

9. Other Effects of Sexual Addiction

Health Concerns

Practically speaking, health concerns seem to be less of a concern for the divorce practitioner, but certainly is an aspect to the divorce case that may come up. The addict may have health issues and may have a sexually transmitted disease that has been passed to the non-addict spouse. Not only is this a health concern that needs to be addressed between the couple, but it is a potential source for conflict and anger, which inevitably impacts the divorce and the ability to settle a case amicably, the ability to co- parent, etc. In extreme cases, the sexually transmitted disease could impact a person’s ability to work, which could effect support issues in the divorce context.

Divorce / Relationship Problems

In addition to the many behavioral, emotional and mental health affects mentioned above, the general sentiment is that a sex addiction is one of the more difficult/traumatic addictions for a couple to overcome. The effects on the relationship are sever and often traumatic and because of the high rate of relapse, it is often difficult to obtain “abstinence,” and without abstinence (aka “sobriety”) a couple may find it difficult to get past the addiction and mend their relationship/marriage. There are dozens of books and resources available for couples that try to work through this type of addiction. Many relationships affected by a sexual addiction, however, cannot be repaired – often there is simply too much distrust and damage done.

Employment Problems

Employment problems are not seen as often in sex addiction cases as compared to other addictions that manifest obvious physical symptoms. Sex addiction is typically more hidden and not often discovered by the addict’s employer. However, if the addict is using a computer at work, or engaging in prohibited behavior during work hours, there are certainly times where the addiction may affect a person’s employment. This could raise the question of voluntariness of unemployment or underemployment.

Financial Problems

The severity of the addiction and the acting out behaviors will determine what impact the addiction has on a family’s finances. We have seen cases that involved no financial waste due to the acting out behaviors (because there is a substantial amount of acting out that can be done for free with electronic devices, online and on certain social media sites). However, we have also seen cases where there was substantial waste of marital funds to pay for call girls, pornography, strippers, strip clubs, etc. In one case, Husband spent over $200,000 over the course of 3 years prior to Wife filing for divorce. In that case, the practitioner was wise to hire a private investigator to dig into the marital waste; in addition, substantial discovery was conducted in order to substantiate the waste claim. In the end, it must be determined by a court whether the marital waste was done in ‘contemplation of divorce’ in order for there to be a clear case of economic fault.

Emotional Problems (Non-Addict Spouse)

Trauma / PTSD – Research shows that near 70% of the non-addict

17 spouses suffer from some form of PTSD or acute stress disorder post disclosure5. The trauma is often driven by the amount, length and type of deception by the addict spouse. It is also driven by the exposure (visual) and the disclosure made by the addict spouse. Some of the emotional problems seen in the non-addict spouse are:

Shame / Embarrassment, increased anxiety, emotional turmoil, fear that manifests as protective behaviors, lack of trust, self doubt, impact on the non-addict’s own sexual, questioning, obsessive thinking about the trauma, intrusive thinking about the addiction or acting out behaviors, sleeplessness / nightmares, hostility, relational sexual difficulties, sexual aversion, sexual shame, body image issues, risk for abuse or injury, desire for retribution, sexual secrets, feelings of obligation, broken trust, and fear of health consequences.

Slow or non-occurring recovery for the non-addict spouse: The non-addict spouse often times has not recovered from the trauma because frequently the addict is the first to receive help. The addict is the focus of attention and treatment while the non- addict spouse is left to hold together appearances, take care of the children and often times needed to support (emotionally and financially) the addict spouse. While he/she is in this supporting role, he/she may not be receiving his/her own treatment. From a practitioner’s perspective, the non-addict spouse may present as the less likeable person (something to be aware of when going

5 Steffens and Rennie, 2006 and Minwalla, 2007, S. Carnes, in press) 18 through a CFI or PRE).

Affects on the addict

While much talk is made of the trauma and emotions associated with the non-addict spouse, but there are many effects (other than the obvious) on the addict that need mentioning too. Emotions such as guilt, remorse, shame, depression, public and personal embarrassment, not to mention the obvious affects from the sex addiction behaviors (acting out) and the other substance abuse issues that go hand and hand with sex addiction. These emotions are worth mentioning because you as the practitioner must be aware of the inherent emotions and issues that stand between your client and his/her ability to settle or move forward during the divorce. For example, some addicts express so much guilt and shame, they want to over pay his or her spouse in the moment, but may regret this decision years down the road. As the practitioner, it is your job to make sure the addict client is making sound decisions based on equity and fairness, rather than guilt and shame.

Handling these Emotions During The Divorce Process

All of these emotions/behaviors make it challenging to settle divorce cases. Often there is no settlement that will satisfy the spouse of a sex addict. Learning to overcome these obstacles is key for the practitioner.

10. Treatment / Community Resources

There are thousands of treatment resources ranging from books, online resources, support groups, etc. These resources vary in availability, price and location. The authors of the above sited journal, strongly suggest the addict be connected to community through 12-step support groups such as Sexaholics Anonymous, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Sex Addicts Anonymous, Sexual Compulsives Anonymous, and Sexual Recovery Anonymous in order to address the need for accountability. They also suggest involving the non-addict spouse in the screening and assessment phase, because the extent of how addicts’ actions have affected those with whom they live can be assessed. The same authors suggest the non-addict spouse also attend community-based support groups, such as Codependents of Sexual Addiction, National Council on Codependence, or S- Anon International Family Groups. The journal authors, and the presenters of this CLE, strongly warn the addicts and the spouses to be aware of any legal ramifications of their actions, including limits of confidentiality.

Suggested Treatment for the Non-Addict Spouse: Couples, Family Therapy / Facilitated Disclosure (for couples staying together) Therapy Individual primary therapist (task centered therapy) Trauma work (EMDR, Somatic experiencing, hypnosis, partner impact letter, etc.) Group Support (facilitated group therapy) Normalizers Decreases Shame Twelve Step Support

Spiritual Support Family / Couples work when appropriate Bibilotherapy

10. Relapse

Because emotional experiences (e.g., anger, sadness, and emotional pain) are part of the human condition, addicts and their spouses (or former spouses) should be prepared to work through slips and relapses in the recovery process. A slip might be defined as a temporary lapse into a sexual act that had been a part of the addictive cycle. The difference between a slip and a full-blown relapse is that the individual recognizes the act and does not continue the behavior and therefore avoids becoming enmeshed in the full addictive cycle (Carnes (1994a)). Carnes suggested that to prevent such slips, the establishment of a relapse prevention plan is a crucial element of the counseling/recovery process. Such a plan would include concrete and practical steps to be accomplished before a slip occurs (prevention), during a slip, and following the slip.

Some say this is a more difficult addiction to recover from because the act of sex itself is considered to be a ‘necessary’ part of life. A person with a sexual addiction is seldom urged to forgo sex entirely (unlike a substance abuse). Instead, he or she is usually encouraged to find other, more appropriate forms of sexual expression. A person with a drug addiction is cured when he or she gives up the substance; a person with an addiction to sex is cured when he or she confines his or her sexual activities to a culturally sanctioned pattern, such as a long-term relationship in which there is emotional intimacy and sexual reciprocity.

Support For Non-Addict Spouse6: Couples, Family Therapy / Facilitated Disclosure (for couples staying together) Therapy - Individual primary therapist (task centered therapy) Trauma work (EMDR, Somatic experiencing, hypnosis, partner impact letter, etc.) Group Support (facilitated group therapy) –Normalizers, Decreases Shame Twelve Step Support Spiritual Support

11. The Children In a Sex Addiction Case

Impact on Children - widely dependent on exposure and/or disclosure Trauma to children Secrecy Family secrets, shame Caretaking / Codependency Loyalty Issues Boundary Failure Confusion About Sexuality7

6 The Traumatic Impact of Sex Addiction on the Family System - a CHS webinar by Stefanie Carnes

7 The Traumatic Impact of Sex Addiction on the Family System - a CHS webinar by Stefanie Carnes

Parenting Time Concerns

How sex addictions impact children varies widely on the addict’s behavior and disclosure. There certainly are cases where the children are completely unaware of the addiction. However, more likely, there is some effect on the children. The effects range from displaced emotions, fear of abandonment, actual abandonment, trust issues, unfulfilled promises, anger, financial impact, trauma (especially when the child has been exposed to the parent’s sexual acts), and sexual abuse (in some situations, obviously, there is the question of whether or not the child has been sexually abused by the addict).

There are also other considerations, such as the non-addict spouse’s inability to place the needs of the child above his/her own, or his/her inability to foster the relationship between the child and the addict spouse, due to his/her own anger at the addict (parental alienation or gate-keeping).

Unless there has been abuse of the child, or exposure of the child to sex/pornography, it seems as though the mental health experts assigned to conduct CFIs or PREs place a lower significance aspect to a sex addiction than other types of substance abuse addictions. This may not be the case across the board, but this is the experience of this presenter/co-presenter at this time. Obviously, it is a case by case analysis. It is worth noting, also, that it is not uncommon to see the APR aspects of divorces involving sex addictions settle early on in the case, particularly if the addict is more interested in continuing his/her acting out behaviors rather than seeking help. In these types of cases, the

23 parties will sometimes settle early because the addict fears that the acting out behaviors will be disclosed to third parties if he/she does not ‘give in’ to the other spouse. On the other hand, if the addict is taking responsibility and positively addressing the addiction through recovery and sobriety, and/or believes his addiction does not affect the children, these cases can be very difficult to settle because the non-addict spouse is unable or unwilling to trust the addict or is too angry with the non-addict spouse, and may be expressing fears that are not justified or protective gate-keeping of the children.

It should be noted that a parent who is acting out sexually is often unavailable physically, mentally and emotionally due to their addiction, similar to other substance abusers. Sex addictions can be very time-consuming, leaving the addict tired, careless, distracted and lacking good judgment.

Examples of poor decision making, poor judgment and lack of impulse control can include, for example, neglecting the care of a child while seeking sexual stimulus and satisfaction; allowing unsavory or dangerous third parties (sexual partners with whom the addict acts out) to be in proximity to the children or in the household; leaving pornography on the computer that can be discovered by the child; failing to clear computer search history or cache, which allows children to be exposed to the internet pornography or other online acting out; watching pornography on the computer or television when the addict believes the children are in another area of the home, or sleeping; failing to delete explicit or incriminating text messages, chat sessions, pictures, videos and voicemails on the cell phone or other devices to which the children may have access.

There are extensive studies, including brain studies, about the trauma and effect on children when they have been exposed to pornography. The exposure can have lifelong effects on the child, going into adulthood, and affecting their own self-esteem, sexuality and behaviors. Much of the trauma caused to children is due to accidental exposure that can be avoided. One brain study suggests that early exposure to pornography can impact a child’s future sexual proclivities, and much more.

Parenting time arrangements will depend on the severity of the addiction and whether or not the children have experienced trauma from disclosure or discovery.

Supervision

Supervision may be required, certainly in cases of abuse, but also in cases where the parent refuses to keep the children safe from exposure to sex/pornography.

Decision-Making

This will depend on the severity of the addiction and whether the exposure is or was considered to be child abuse.

Monitored Sobriety

There are a number of options for monitored sobriety discussed above under treatment. There are also a number of Internet filtering and accountability programs that can be installed on an addict’s computer or device.

According to one website called “Recovery Ranch”, the most highly regarded programs from the standpoint of sexual addiction recovery are:

CovenantEyes, http://www.covenanteyes.com/: works on Windows, MacOS (limited), iOS, and Android

McAfee Safe Eyes and McAfee Family Protection, http://www.mcafee.com/us/: works on Windows, MacOS, iOS (Safe Eyes), and Android (Family Protection)

Net Nanny, http://www.netnanny.com/: works on Windows, MacOS, and Android devices.

For more information visit http://www.recoveryranch.com/

12. Sex Addiction And The Division Of Property

Fault / No Fault One day we will embark on a “Part Two” of this CLE, which will include a more expansive discussion on the fault aspect in a sex addiction case, including a discussion on marital waste. For purposes of “Part One” of this CLE, we have merely pointed out it is a factor worth considering if there is evidence that the addict spouse dissipated marital funds in anticipation of divorce. If so, “economic fault” may be an issue for litigation.

Guilt - “Amends Money”

Sometimes you have addict spouses who want to “over pay” or compensate their spouse because they feel so ashamed of what they’ve done to the marriage or to their spouse. While this may seem admirable, the practitioner should be weary of the client who is acting on “current” emotions and not making sound long-term decisions. Just be prepared to discuss this thoroughly with your client. Proper consultation with the client’s therapist (whether the addict or the spouse) on the actual therapeutic impact of such decisions should be considered.

Inability to Settle Emotions and Behaviors associated with sex addictions (on both the addict and no-addict side) can make settlement very challenging.

Anger Either spouse’s anger at the other may make a financial settlement very challenging. We encourage our clients to still consider settlement, as the alternative, litigation, could be embarrassing and costly.

13. Confidentiality Agreements

When dealing with clients who have a high profile job or profession where this kind of addiction, if made known, would impact their employment or reputation, the practitioner who represents the addict may want to consider asking the spouse to enter into a confidentiality agreement. Said agreements need to

27 be carefully crafted to protect both sides. The non-addict spouse may need to disclose some of the information in the future (such as to therapists for his/her own recovery; or it may be relevant to financial planning or a future legal battle).

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES

 Online assessment tool: https://www.faithfulandtrue.com/Self-Assessment/Self- Test.aspx

 See You Tube Videos of Patrick and/or Stefanie Carnes

For Comments or Questions, please feel free to contact us at:

Cynthia Ciancio Ciancio Ciancio Brown www.colo-law.com 303-451-0300 [email protected]

David Lamb Sherr Puttmann Akins Lamb PC www.spalfamilylaw.com 303-741-5300 [email protected]