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Write to us! Editor-in-Chief Sean “Spaghetti” Kelly the paper c/o Offi ce of Student Leadership Executive Editors and Community Development Mickie “Candy Corn (shit’s 50% off by November)” Meinhardt Fordham University Lauren “Turkey Skin” Duca Bronx, NY 10458 [email protected] News Editors http://groups.google.com/group/fordhampaper Marisa “D-Coke and Mini Muffi ns” Caroll John “Hot Beef Sundae” O’Neill the paper is a product solely of the students. No part of the publication may be reproduced without written consent of the editors. the paper is produced us- Arts Editors ing Adobe InDesign, Adobe Photoshop, Microsoft Word, and the incredibly hard Liz “Ketchup Packets” O’Malley work of the people to the right. Photos are mostly “borrowed” from Internet sites Andrew “Whatever is Stuck in Beard” Craig like: www.google.com, www.imdb.com, www.nambla.org, www.rollingstone.com, www.cnn.com, and occasionally taken by us with an old Polaroid we found in the attic. Sorry mom, subscriptions are not available. Ad rates are unreasonable – don’t Earwax Editor ask. Open staff meetings are held Tuesdays at 8PM at various locations in the Mc- Connor “Cold Beef Sundae” O’Brien Ginley Center. Articles and letters to the editor may be submitted via e-mail to [email protected], or scrawled incoherently with crayons on the inside Comix Editor of a Keystone Light 30-rack. Submissions are always considered, usually printed, Elena “Supermarker Smoked Gouda” Lightbourn and occasionally used to make origami rhinoceroses. If you do not wish your letter to the editor to be published, just say so. We do not advocate wussitude; all letters must be signed. We reserve the right to edit any material submitted for publication. Copy Staff We will, however, work with the writer and see that content is as true to the writer’s Peter “Mystery Shots” Lacerenza original as possible. We publish this rag ten times a year (fi ve per semester). Gibson “(Dry) Spaghetti” Merrick So why not come down and write for us? We are a constantly evolving publica- C. Sarah “French’s Fried Onions” Strafford tion, and have been since 1972. And we try our best to second guess mainstream Suzette “Assorted Pickles“ Dorrielan opinion and buck the system, even if there is no call to do so. But hey, writing isn’t Will “Raw Green Beans” Speros for everyone. Try reading a good book like Goops and How to Be Them: A Manual Aly “Tofurkey” Kravitz of Manners for Polite Infants, by Gelet Burgess. You might just learn something.

our aim Contributors Jenn Schwartz, Shea’s, Eamon Stewart, Jake Kenny, Patrick the paper exists as Fordham University’s journal of news, analysis, comment, and review. We are an entirely student run publication, and have been since 1972. O’Murray, Quiz Hat, Tim Leuke, Will Yates, Wayne Michaels Our aim is to print compelling articles written by students in their own voice and Alana Hollbrook, Street Style, Mystery Shots, Ramen, not Mur- from their own perspective. Yes, this means we allow things like cussin’, and sto- ray’s Cheese, Matthew Freeze, Alexander Jordan, Tom Gardinier, ries of substance-induced debauchery. But it also means we publish articles that ex- Harley Dibbs, Umai, amine issues on Fordham’s campus and in the world from a critical perspective. We are not brown-nosers, nor a newspaper of record. We are a bunch of rapscallions who get together fi ve times a semester to put out a rag that makes people laugh, cry, get pissed, and—we hope—makes people think. If you don’t like it, shut your pie hole (or come write for us)! editorials comixarts features Foordham football... is that a Suphero Dean Rogers returns in this thing? Don’t even ask. Fordham Street Style!!! issue: November 16, 2011 the paper page 3

in the feminist organization Permanent Wave, wrote in an email on November 11, “Penn State is a national tragedy, “WE’RE HERE TO RIOT” but it’s also just the tip of the iceberg. Penn State riots for JoPa and, in turn, validates rape culture Last month, Joe Peters, an Olympic gymnastics coach resigned after al- By Marisa Carroll about our football team?!” in their spirits. Across the board, sales in town legations emerged that he sexually headlines. According to the grand jury tank following a Lions loss. A losing abused over 12 female gymnasts. Ever NEWS CO-EDITOR report, Sandusky sexually assaulted season (or, perhaps worse, bad press) November 5, thirty-year Penn State heard of him? Didn’t think so.” eight boys in the Penn State locker risks decreasing university enrollment Football defensive coordinator Jerry Not all Penn State students are as room. The case report is heartbreak- and increasing unemployment in the Sandusky was arrested on 40 counts of loudly supportive of JoPa as the rioters, ing. Sandusky rapes, someone sees, town. Of course, it also risks Paterno’s sexual abuse of a child. By November but more subtle offenses are also pres- they report the crime to their higher-up own incredible salary and lifestyle. For 9, legendary head coach Joe Paterno ent on campus. By rallying for JoPa and in the university’s chain of command, JoPa, Penn State offi cials, and even and other university offi cials, including calling themselves victims (victims of and Sandusky—facing no legal action, child welfare services, cost-benefi t the president, were fi red for not saying bad press or maligned reputations, a still a glorifi ed Penn State employee— analyses fell in favor of protecting Penn enough—for protecting Sandusky and, privileged complaint compared to sex- rapes again. Even when the allegations State Football over creating a safe en- in turn, enabling his crimes. ual exploitation of at-risk youth), they are reported to child welfare or other vironment for Penn students, staff, and This story really makes you want to contribute to silencing other sexual as- government agencies, nothing is done. anyone else who ventured into State riot, right? In defense of the victims, sault survivors, particularly those who perhaps. In response to Penn State’s were abused by powerful, well-respect- (the coaches’, the administrators’) What? This isn’t a rally against ed fi gures. Even actions taken to show cowardly keeping quiet and letting the rallies against rape? solidarity with the victims, like last chain of command prevent “controver- weekend’s “blue-out” in which tens of sy,” all while keeping Sandusky on the thousands wore Penn State gear, are payroll. shallow attempts at best. Wouldn’t For around a thousand Penn State rallying for a better sexual assault re- students on November 9, the reason to porting protocol be more effective than riot was another “injustice:” Penn fi r- wearing a sweatshirt that, likely, is trig- ing Paterno, whom the universe keeps gering for Sandusky’s victims? While reminding me is the winningest coach students are not responsible for the in Penn State history, for his role in the crimes, their pledging support to Penn cover-up. No slacktivism here, folks. does not fi ght injustice; instead, it privi- Full on drunk, belligerent rioting, Euro- leges Penn students’ pride over even pean soccer hooligan style. Throwing their own safety (some of the highest rocks at police and trying to fl ip cars rates of sexual assult occur on college Sandusky was fi nally charged because College, PA. while waving “We <3 JoPa” signs made campuses) and further contributes to a a high school principal—unfettered by Sandusky—whom former-Senator with leftover materials from Rush culture that condones rape. the atmosphere at Penn—called the Rick Santorum nominated for a “Con- Week. “Of course we’re going to riot,” Without the riots, Penn State would police in 2008. gressional Angels in Adoption” award one student, Paul Howard, told the New have a tremendous amount of healing That this process continued for so in 2002—found his victims through his York Times. “What do they expect when to do. In their wake, however, the at- long is disturbing, but also disturbingly charity, The Second Mile. The grand they tell us at 10 o’clock that they fi red mosphere is even more dangerous for common. From abuse within the home jury wrote, “Through The Second Mile, our football coach?” No mention of the survivors of sexual assault. Admirably, to scandals on Capitol Hill, sexual as- Sandusky had access to hundreds victims or the horrifying nature of the 11,000 students attended a candle- sault depends on the powerful—sena- of boys, many of whom were vulner- case. Just football and pride. The Onion light vigil for the victims last week, and tors, coaches, fellow students, and able due to their social situation,” a satirical newspaper best captured the anti-rape campus groups are organiz- even victims’ friends and families—pro- particularly illustrative and revolting insanity with their article titled “Sports ing around the issues. These are good tecting the perpetrator and, in doing so, note about systems of abuse. Sexual Media Asks Molestation Victims What starts. Hopefully, the school can com- shielding themselves from guilt. Foot- assault is not just gendered violence, This Means For Joe Paterno’s Legacy.” mit to real change. For now, though, ball is religion in State College, PA (ac- but is also traditionally linked to eco- I wondered if the students got their they will continue to worship at JoPa’s cordingly, Penn’s case closely echoes nomic injustice and exploitation. It is a news from Ashton Kutcher’s Twitter altar and raise the already high stakes that of Catholic bishops’ priest abuse deliberate, privileged act in which the feed, or the banner on BarStoolSports. for sexual assault survivors consider- cover-up), but Paterno wasn’t paid a attacker feels entitled to safely commit com, or somewhere else that swapped ing reporting their attack. $1.5 million dollar salary just to raise his crimes. As Amy Klein, an organizer out “horrifying child rape” for “What page 4 the paper November 16, 2011 NYPD, YOU MISSED A SPOT...ACTUALLY LARGE SWATHS OF AN ENTIRE BOROUGH bullet fragments and sustained super- Wave of violence leaves the Bronx on edge as the NYPD fi cial injuries. The intended target, who had come to the hospital for stitches, continues to focus resources toward Wall Street managed to escape. The shooter has By Aly Kravitz Grand Avenue around 6 pm. Emer- 90 robberies took place in the 20th not yet been identifi ed, but witnesses STAFF WORRIER gency workers transported him to St. precinct; in the same year the 52nd claim that he had come to the hospital Barnabas Hospital where he was pro- precinct recorded no less than 511 with the intent of settling a score with a The beginning of November was nounced dead. According to the police, robberies. marked by a wave of violence sweep- rival gang member. no arrests have been made, but the in- The trend of violence in the Bronx The NYPD, despite its offi cial state- ing through the Northwest Bronx that vestigation is ongoing. has continued into the second week of left three dead and four wounded in ments of preventative action and im- Several days later, on Saturday No- this month. On Tuesday, November 8th, pending crackdowns, has proven it- its wake. The incidents are not a devia- vember 5th, 21 year-old Edwin Valdez 4 year-old Cincere Baltazar was shot in tion from the normal pattern of violent self incapable of stemming the fl ow was shot in the chest around 4 in the the chest while returning with his father of blood sullying the Bronx streets. On crime characteristic of impoverished morning. The victim was transported to the homeless shelter where they live, neighborhoods, but the events of past Thursday November 10th, Bronx Coun- from the place of the shooting, Bain- cilman, weeks have demonstrated a disturbing bridge Avenue and E. 198th St., to St. increase in their frequency. Fernanda Barnabas, where he died shortly after Cabrera, On Saturday, October 29th, 59-year- arrival. A witness claimed to have seen old Bimal Chanda left his apartment at called a group of teenagers running north on a meet- 30 W. 190th St. to buy some packing Bainbridge Avenue, and police believe tape at a nearby 99-cent store. Chanda, ing with that the gunman was also shot, but no Council an immigrant from India, had recently suspects have yet been identifi ed. decided to move with his wife and 16 Speaker All three murders fall under the ju- Christine -year-old daughter to Parkchester. He risdiction of the 52nd precinct, an area had confi ded in several friends that, Quinn comprised of the Bedford Park, Ford- and re- although he felt a deep connection to ham, Kingsbridge, Norwood and Uni- his community of 30 years, his growing leased versity Heights neighborhoods. A multi- a press concerns about crime and violence in ethnic patchwork characterized by NYPD offi cers take in a suspect in the release the neighborhood were motivating his unemployment and poverty, the 52nd murder of Edwin Valdez at Zuccotti respond- decision to leave. Shortly before 9 a.m., precinct is no stranger to assault and Park ing to the Chanda returned to his building and crime. According to statistics kept by was brutally attacked in the second recent the NYPD, the area saw 20 murders in events: fl oor stairway. According to police, the 1998 and 23 in 2001. The past decade assailants struck him in the head with “We are no longer going to accept these has brought a decline in the murder after the two had been out for an eve- senseless acts of violence. We are call- a heavy metal object, causing him to rate, with ning treat of ice cream. His father, Bob- fall down ing this meeting today because we are only 11 in by Baltazar, wrestled the gun from the outraged and ready to take collective a fl ight “He had confi ded in several 2010, but attacker, Mauricio Acosta, and chased of stairs. action against gun violence in our com- friends that, although he felt the statis- him and two other assailants for sev- munity. We are calling on the Bloom- He was tics are still eral blocks before fi ring and hitting 17 brought to berg administration to take immedi- a deep connection to his com- consider- year-old Jose Marte in the neck. Both ate action as our communities cannot St. Barn- ably higher victims were transported to St. Barn- abas Hos- munity of 30 years, his grow- afford to have continuous violence be than com- abas and are listed in critical condi- a part of their daily lives. We will not pital for parable ar- tion. A spokesman for Robert Johnson, treatment ing concerns about crime and stand by as our children and families eas in the Bronx District Attorney, explained that fall victim to these horrifi c acts. Today and died wealthier Balzatar was being treated as a victim fi ve days violence in the neighborhood is a step in the right direction, and it borough of in the case: “This guy Bazaltar was the is just the beginning of what we hope later from were motivating his decision Manhattan. victim of an attempted robbery, and ev- internal is the start of a change in our com- The 20th idence showed that he may have been munity.” His sentiments were echoed bleeding. to leave.” precinct on justifi ed in fi ring the shot. That’s why he The by State Senator Gustavo Rivera, who the Upper has not been charged.” said in a statement: “We deserve bet- day before Chanda died, on November West side, which includes Lincoln Cen- The next day, an altercation in the 2nd, a 35 year-old man was stabbed to ter than to live in fear – to fear walk- ter and The American Museum of Natu- waiting room of a hospital on Grand ing around in one’s neighborhood in death on Grand Avenue, just north of ral History, recorded three murders in Concourse and 173rd St. yielded two Fordham road. The man, whose name the evening or to fear going to a place 1998, one in 2001, and one in 2010. more victims: a nurse and a security where you are supposed to be safe – has not yet been released, was found Perhaps even more striking is the dis- guard who were caught in the crossfi re bleeding profusely in the lobby of 2460 the hospital. We, as a community, have crepancy between robberies: in 2010, of a gang dispute. Both were struck by to demand better and do better.” November 16, 2011 the paper page 5 DOES THIS MEAN THERE WILL BE A SE- QUEL TO “CAVE OF FORGOTTEN DREAMS?” DNA analysis reveals that many cave paintings are realis- lot of pages, I run out of ink,” and “After I fi nish a carton of milk, there’s no milk tic portraits of (very) early life, not just trippy visuals left.” By Alexander Jordan leopard, the team searched for such a such drawings does come as a relief As for appreciating the artwork as series of nucleotides in horse DNA dat- for our future evolutionary anthropolo- its own entity, those who see it are still STAFF WE HOPE SO! ed between 11,000 and 15,000 years gists. 20,000 years from now, the hu- No matter the hardships faced, no amazed. The drawings, which used ago. The consistency discovered be- man race mainly matter the era, no matter the materi- tween the drawing’s tones and specifi c would Scientists say the horse sticks and als, humanity always fi nds a way to pro- color genes has shown to be astonish- still be likely had the gallop of a charcoal duce art. Vonnegut once noted, “The ingly accurate. wonder- stallion and the style of (and most arts are not a way of These re- ing if the Fran Drescher likely, a making a living. They “Vonnegut once not- sults have si- salvaged are a very human little blood ed, ‘The arts are not lenced critics artifacts for that way of making life who interpreted depicting more bearable.” For postmod- a way of making a liv- drawings of the scenes ern je ne our ancestors some like as more from the 25,000 years ago, sais quoi), ing. They are a very symbolic por- Harry Pot- are cap- this statement also traits of a deep- ter series held true. Honing in human way of making tivating er caliber, per- served as and well on the Pech Merle haps expressing “evidence cave in southwest life more bearable.’ designed. the angst of the of wiz- The appli- France, a group of For our ancestors ancient nean- ardry” and researchers, who re- cation of derthal’s lack of whether a science to cently published their some 25,000 years acrylics needed Hermione fi ndings, analyzed a aesthetics ago, this statement to emphasize weasley species still walks the earth. continues to thrive at the forefront of Paleolithic drawing of the “authentic- Still, the head archaeologist's own an unusual spotted numerous research disciplines, lead also held true.” ity” and “raw- conclusions were the most satisfying, predominantly by anthropologists, ar- horse, hypothesizing ness” of his as is any refutation of a deep interpre- whether this species chaeologists, and neuroscientists. The art. Spotted tation with a simple observation. Terry developing nexus of art and science walked among our Van Gogh prede- horses now have the scientifi c con- O’Connor from University of York said cessors or were merely fi gments of an points towards an evolutionary devel- sensus of existing during the time of it best with, “People drew spotty hors- opment of thought, an integration of ancient imagination. Using an identi- Pech Merle’s cave drawings. The use es because they saw spotty horses.” fi ed DNA sequence that coded for the analytical and creative faculties rather of color genes to match the genotype, Other unpublished lines by O’Connor than their individual polarization. spotted pattern, known fashionably as or genetic makeup of an organism, to include, “Sometimes when I print out a page 6 the paper November 16, 2011 Faker EU TO GREECE: NOT COOL TO RETIRE AT 50 AND SMOKE CIGARETTES ALL DAY ANYMORE Than Greece faces bleak future as it works to pay off crushing debt, Eu- rope nervously watches and so should we tically cut government spending. As if United States’ largest trading partner) By Matthew Freeze the situation seemingly could not get and if they leave the Euro, it would Truth STAFF DIRTY, SEXY, MON- any worse, the Greek people respond- have disastrous consequences, for By Sean Kelly and Elena Lightbourn EY ed to the news with riots and a gen- both Greece and the European Union. ROME IS BURNING! No, it’s not eral strike (including the tax collectors, If Greece were to adopt the drachma, actually burning, but it might as well which really goes to show how messed their currency before the Euro, it would State College, PA – Student unrest and be. The European debt crisis that up the Greek situation is). deal a signifi cant blow to the concept campus riots were abruptly brought to started with underreported Greek Fast forward one year, and auster- of a unifi ed Europe. In the wake of the a halt last Saturday when a Penn State debt now has the possibility to disin- ity has only slowed growth in an al- collapse of the Soviet Union, the idea student happened to take a look at a tegrate the European Union. ready sluggish Greek economy. The of a unifi ed European continent began newspaper, immediately realizing exactly In 2009, Greek Prime Minister ruling parliamentary coalition failed to gain traction. In 1993, the European what they were rioting about. “We were George Papandreou announced to achieve consensus on the austerity Union was created with the signing of all totally pissed that JoPa got canned, so that his predecessor the Maastricht we decided to get our rage out and tear had drastically under- Treaty. Several some shit up, you know?” said the stu- reported the size of the subsequent trea- dent, Junior Chris Rasmussen, “But then I national debt as a per- ties have made it saw the paper headlines and turns out he centage of their gross easier for Europe- didn’t just get fi red; there was, like, some domestic product. This an citizens to buy whole child molestation thing surround- announcement start- property in other ing it. Fucked up, man.” The viewing of the ed a fl urry of activity, countries, as well newspaper, which happened completely with many banks mov- as traveling with- by accident, imparted valuable informa- ing to buy Greek bonds out restrictions in tion on students about exactly what they thinking that within between member were doing and “completely bummed” the Eurozone (the 17 states. many out. “We were all starting to come country economic area In 1999 the together and rally around something that that utilizes the Euro European Union we all believed in, but then we got the as it's main currency) unifi ed its mone- word that all this shit had happened be- purchasing sovereign tary policies with fore it,” reported sophomore Ted Ferrel, bonds from a weaker Greek men enraged upon hearing news the adoption of a “We all just kind of slunk home; I think country was insured that they may soon have to work common curren- I might go back to my dorm and read a by the strong econo- cy, the Euro. The book or something. Jesus.” mies of France or Ger- push towards one -S.K. many. Unfortunately federal European for investors, this is not the case. measures required for further Euro- state cannot possibly succeed for the New York, NY - In a recent move meant to In their defense, investors were not pean bailout, leading Prime Minister same reason that Greeks are protest- serve as a response to the growing dis- given all the necessary information Papandreou to call for a confi dence ing in the streets against the austerity satisfaction among MTA customers dur- about the fi nancial health of Greece. vote in the parliament. The move sent measures. Individual member states ing an era marked by aging infrastructure EU politicians in Brussels turned a shockwaves throughout the global are fearful of losing their sovereignty to paired with service cuts and price hikes, blind eye to a bloated Greek civil markets, with the Dow Jones industrial a continental state based in Brussels. the authority revealed plans for an up- work force and massive government average dropping 1.5%. Papandreou The Greek government has a vested dated logo in which the words “Metropoli- spending on defense and social pro- again took drastic action several weeks interest in not defaulting on its debt, tan Transit Authority” under the blue MTA grams, even as the global recession ago, when he called for a public refer- but the conditions for aid dictated by circle is replaced by the words “Please, was beginning to unfold. Also guilty endum on the European bailout. Global the European Union require too much be patient” along with a varying, often are the banks who were privy to the markets dipped again, and although of the Greek people. The best option completely vulgar explanatory message coming disaster but did nothing be- he dropped the call, irreparable dam- for them now (and indeed there are in smaller text underneath. When asked cause they were making money un- age was done. The massive protests very few options to choose from) is to about the highly criticized change, the derwriting the Greek bonds. against the austerity measures neces- forgo their obligations to such a con- authority’s new chairman stated, “We are In May 2010, with a national sary for further bailout funds signaled tinental state. They need to readopt dealing with problems that need imme- debt that was 148% of their gross that the referendum most likely would the drachma and recover on their own diate attention in a system that literally domestic product, Greece humbly have failed. pace. The Greeks need to do what is never shuts down. You people complain submitted a request to the IMF for a What does this all mean? Why best for Greeks. They got themselves about everything, so we fi gured we may bailout to cover repayment of Greek should we care that the Greek govern- into this mess, and the only way to get as well be as straightforward as possible.” bonds. The Greek government also ment lied about how high their debt themselves out is to focus on concrete - E.L. pledged a series of austerity mea- was? For starters, Greece is a member problems and not the needs of some sures whereby they pledged to dras- of the European Union (collectively the abstract ideal. November 16, 2011 the paper page 7 TURNING TO GOD: WISCONSIN ADOPTS ABSTINENCE ONLY JOB CREATION POLICIES Lawmakers fail to produce jobs, turn to divisive socially conservative legislation to distract discontent voters a year later requiring courses to cover a range of dated to do so. Urban liberal strong- By John O’Neill subjects such as anatomy, body image, holds like Madison and Milwaukee NEWS CO-EDITOR the benefi ts of abstinence, use of con- will assuredly leave their public school traceptives, and how intoxicants can sexual education courses untouched, October was to be a month of bi- By Marisa Carroll and Peter Lacarenza affect decision-making. but the students of socially conser- partisan legislative support for a slew Perhaps most troubling about vative and often impoverished rural of job creating measures in Wisconsin Copper Sword Stolen From Statue At the repeal of the Healthy Youth Act is counties are almost guaranteed to by order of the governor and tea-party Lincoln’s Tomb be deprived sweetheart Scott Walker. Along the PLEASE HELP FIND MY SWORD! of crucially im- campaign trail, Walker promised the Very valuable, stolen. portant infor- state a quarter of a million new jobs by Nevermind, repossessed. mation. Teen the end of his fi rst term. Unfortunately, pregnancy is just ten months in, Wisconsin has only Charlie Rose Joining CBS’s “The a well docu- reported a net gain of 29,300 jobs. Early Show” mented prob- Evidently disappointed, the governor All gather round to lem in Wiscon- called a special job creation legislative See the slow, dull birth of the sin cities, but session. The governor’s call was heed- Anti-Kathy Lee. less attention ed, and state lawmakers busily went is paid to of- about crafting pro-business legislation: After Ratner Fallout, Billy Crystal ten compara- eliminating minority status for certain Will Host 2011 Oscars bly high rates college scholarships, enacting a castle While Ed Murphy enjoys of teen preg- doctrine “right to shoot” bill, and re- Lap dances with Brett Ratner nancy in rural pealing of the state’s highly effective At home, silently. parts of the public school sexual education curricu- State Senator Mary Lazich, expert state. lum, the Healthy Youth Act. in urban issues and getting laid Michigan Passes Pro LGBT Bullying At State Senator Mary Lazich of Legislation this point, one the conservative Milwaukee suburb of It gets better cuz must wonder New Berlin proposed the Healthy Youth Your prof will take you on fi eld the fact that the program correlates why this story matters, for surely no- Act required schools to teach students Trips to Bachmann’s clinic! with a sharp decline in teen birthrates body in New York City cares about that abstinence is the preferred choice in the state’s largest and poorest city, farm kids in Wisconsin engaging in for unmarried students and that celi- -MC Milwaukee. The city experienced a drop unprotected displays of their hormon- bacy is the only truly reliable way to in its teen birthrate from 52 per 1,000 al drives. Alas, the story of this legisla- prevent pregnancies and the spread of At Penn State, Jo-Pa Fired For Moles- teens in 2006 to 35.7 per 1,000 in tion, and the other pieces that have sexually transmitted diseases. The new tation Cover-Up; Frat Boys Riot 2010 after Milwaukee Public Schools followed, is of critical importance as sex education courses required that Some Penn State students launched new sexual education cours- we head towards the 2012 presiden- schools discuss parental responsibil- Riot in spite of child rape es. Republican state senator Glenn tial election. Wisconsin, much like the ity, and the socioeconomic benefi ts of GO SPORTS, GO SPORTS, GO! Grothman countered this statistical nation, was governed by an ineffectu- marriage and explain pregnancy, pre- fact by stating that al milquetoast executive and dysfunc- natal develop- Silvio Berlusconi Steps Down it was his inexpli- tional legislature. Indubitably, one of ment and child- “Voting for a gigan- Italy’s PM cable belief that a several factors that fueled the 2010 birth. Ousted. Underage girls to renewed emphasis tea-party revolution in Wisconsin were This is tic disappointment is Be on the lookout. on abstinence was the eight years of inept leadership and a troubling step better than voting for the primary reason incompetence that allowed for such a backward for the Deputy P.M. Rebukes ExxonMobil For for the drop expe- vehemently right-wing administration state and its chil- Their Operations in Iraq a small-government- rienced in Milwau- to appear appealing in a traditionally dren for a multi- Iraq speaks out on kee. progressive state. Things have gone tude of reasons, when-it’s-convenient Big Oil’s Kurdish ambitions. There is some from bad to worse back home, but but most espe- This calls for a war. relieving news to hopefully the nation takes note of the cially because tea partier in 2012.” this otherwise trou- “job-creation” myth that the rubes of this appears a Recession Market Pulls Students Out bling story however. The new bill merely Wisconsin ate up and embraces the purely destructive partisan act totally of Dorms, Into Foreclosed Mansions lowers the statewide sexual education belief that voting for a gigantic disap- devoid of any intention of creating jobs Cali students move curriculum. School districts are not pointment is better than voting for a for Wisconsinites. The state’s current To some low-rent McMansions prohibited from teaching the benefi ts small-government-when-it’s-conve- sexual education curriculum has been Animal House 2? of contraception and family planning; nient tea partier in 2012. nationally praised by health experts for rather they are simply no longer man- -PL page 8 the paper November 16, 2011 ...THEN SHE DECKED HIM WITH THE TRASH CAN! New Yorker fights back against a subway groper, kicks ass, takes names things would be fi ne, you know, when do jail time if convicted. continued trying to grab her even after By Lauren Duca the sun is up. Yet The Daily News re- “It was disgusting,” Shayne told the she pushed him two or three times. He CO-EXECUTIVE EDITOR ported that it was around 9:30 AM last New York Post, “I felt so violated. I’m only fi nally scampered off when she I was at a bar on the Lower East week when Shayne DeJesus was at- glad I fought back. I’m going to defend decked him with a garbage can. Not Side, mourning the $4 spillage of my tacked on her way to school. A 39 year myself.” Unfortunately, Shayne’s ac- the passive victim he was expecting $16 Black Russian, when I noticed old man grabbed her “lifted up her dress tions are the only thing really unique I’m guessing. the time. It was 2:10 am, and being a and fondled her private parts.” Before about this situation. Subway groping As New York Magazine put it, “Ev- Thursday that meant I’d missed both 10 AM? Poor Shayne probably hadn’t is an epidemic, one which has only in- ery once in a while, one of the many the last Ram Van and Metro North even had her morning coffee, and she creased as of late. The Upper East Side subway pervs who stalk this city’s un- back to Fordham. Fuck. My friend of- wasn’t derground will target the fered her bed near Lincoln Center, but going to wrong woman.” Such was I had class in the morning and wasn’t take that certainly the case with Ni- nearly drunk enough to stomach the shit. She cole Briggs, who screamed idea of spooning just to fi t into her twin. followed at her fl asher, “I'm not leav- I decided to brave the D train back. her at- ing your side. My plans “There’s a van that drives you back, I’ll tacker are done for the night. I'm be fi ne!” I wasn’t fi ne. on to the escorting you to the police One stop in and a whiskey bum subway, station. Oh yes. Oh fuck- singled me out. He started yelling from “literally Don’t fuck with me, ing yes." If (god forbid) you across the train, and decided to get up started subway gropers. fi nd yourself the victim of and sit directly across from me when punch- such an attack, I hope that I ignored his romantic slurs. I looked ing him like Ms. Briggs you are “the around the car, in a desperate attempt in the wrong woman.” Though to befriend one of the other passengers head” I plan to avoid taking the via eye contact. But my hopes of an im- and subway alone again after promptu guardian were shattered as snapped midnight, I am now ready all three men averted their gaze from his pic- and armed with pepper my visual plea. The whiskey bum had ture. spray for any such situation begun smacking his lips. I considered “These men are just cowards,” Shayne Groper is believed to have grabbed in the future. One badass refusal to be switching cars, but was worried he’d told PIX/11, and she handed out fl iers and/or photographed as many as eight a passive victim at a time, we’ll get our follow me out on to the surely deserted in an attempt to bring justice to her different women in the past 3 months. message out there. Don’t mess with platform. Gripping my keys Wolverine- coward in particular. Identifi ed by his Standing at just 4’11”, he doesn’t the fi ne ladies of NYC, motherfuckers. style, I prepared myself for the possibil- brother just days later, Froylan Andrade sound particularly intimidating. Yet, ity of attack. If he dared to touch me, is facing sexual abuse charges and will one of his more recent victims said he I’d make him look like he’d gotten in a fi ght with a small kitten (and won). According to the anti-street harassment organization Hollaback!, “Street harassment is a gate- When we got to Fordham I way crime that makes other forms of gender-based violence OK. Studies conducted show that jumped up and ran, just catching up to a Hulk Hogan doppleganger from the between 80-90% of women have been harassed in public. With legal recourse to address school next train over. My unwitting chaperone and workplace harassment, streets remain one of the fi nal frontiers in addressing and affi rming made his way out of the station, and I basic, guaranteed civil rights.” Yet groups like Hollaback! and others are ensuring that harassed nearly collapsed with relief upon seeing people have a space to fi ght back and resources to know how. In the case of street harassment, the whiskey bum had fallen back (per- Hollaback! suggests: haps to get some Carmex after all that -Street harassment is overlooked by police and government offi cials, many of whom see it as an insignifi - lip smacking). Catapulting myself into cant hassle. Record when and where you were harassed and send the info to Hollaback! to help accurately the awaiting Ram Van, the driver asked record the pervasiveness of street harassment and, armed with this evidence, lobby for change. what I was doing all by myself so late -If you want to respond to a harasser like Shayne did, be sure to look him directly in the eye and speak with at night. “You must be a freshman,” clear, direct language. Don’t apologize. Instead of saying “Excuse me...” or “I’m sorry, but please...” directly he said shaking his head. I mumbled state “Stop doing X.” something about my “fi rst week of col- lege” in lieu of telling him I was, in fact, -Check out projects like The Line Campaign, where you can receive support and discuss strategies to fi ght a junior (and had no excuse). harassment. Taking the subway alone after 2 -For legal help, contact experts at The Women’s Law Project (womenslaw.org). am is pretty stupid, but you would think november 16, 2011 the paper page 9

Fordham Football’s Microscopic Penis Why Our Flailing Pigskin Program Needs To Cut The B.S. And Actually Try Winning

by Eamon Stewart tinguishing characteris- to win in whatever facet of life (insert STAFF WINNING tic is an ability to make dated Charlie Sheen reference here). I have a poster commemorating the shitty workout equip- The school makes a statement out of 1941 Cotton Bowl hanging up in my ment disappear and be drawing the link between Lombardi room. The game was played between replaced by even shittier and our athletic program pretty fre- Texas A&M and Fordham. I’m not sure workout equipment. For quently, which probably make dear old exactly how or why I wound up with it, some reason a bunch of Vince do corkscrews in his grave. I never paid for it. Maybe it was some- the football guys were It’s no secret that our football team thing that was given away during my there with us normal doesn’t exactly set the school revenue freshman year. Maybe someone stole people. They had ap- sheets ablaze. It’s also no secret that it and gave it to me as a gift. What- parently decided that the average student fi nds it kind of hard ever, it doesn’t really matter. I think it’s the best way to cope to give a fuck about the football team. a kind of cool; it’s done up in the vin- with the embarrass- In reality, everyone and everything re- tage style (looks like the original print ment of the previous lated to football at this school needs to was painted, it has a leatherhead dude day’s events was to be collectively get their heads out of their on it, something which I’m assuming giant fuckheads in front asses and understand the status the of their peers. They sat Vince Lombardi is was the ticket price only costs a quar- such a sad dad program has both on the campus and ter, and the purity of college football is around on equipment off of it. The school fi nally noticed this intact as there is no mention of Chick- they weren’t using while with the basketball team two years ago fi l-A or some other dumbass sponsor). other people were clear- and we’re no longer the worst team in The poster encapsulates an entirely ly trying to use it. They D-I, just a generally bad team. That’s different era. When our football team talked loud enough that you, you’re supposed to respond in cool, progress is something (and col- didn’t totally suck ass. cranking up your iPod to max was only sports the same way that you do to lege hoops is way better than college In case you weren’t paying atten- just enough to shut them out. Not hav- most things in life. You think about football anyway). You can be optimis- tion, our footballin’ Rams made the trip ing lost their competitive streak after what went wrong, what you could have tic and hope the football will have a up to West Point over Halloween week- the debacle upstate, at one point they controlled, and you adjust for the fu- turnaround too, but given the relative end in the latest edition of the white- played a game that involved putting ture. You’re supposed to have a short complexities of running a football pro- hot rivalry that exists between Service “At no point dur- memory, after all tomorrow is another gram compared to a basketball one it’s Academies and things that are Catho- day and that’s what you live to fi ght for. doubtful that it will be that quick (un- lic. I didn’t make the trip, the campus ing that process are At no point during that process are you less of course the other Patriot League vibe is a wonderful combination of supposed to walk around swinging your schools are all destroyed by meteors, tight-assed and depressing and both you supposed to walk microscopic dick in front of the people in that case we’ll be an overnight sen- teams are pretty bad. who are trying to support you but often sation). But something hilarious happened. around swinging your can’t because your only talent seems At the time of this writing, Fordham Fordham not only lost but lost in glo- microscopic dick in to be an ability to make an ass of your- is 1-8. The one win came against Co- rious fashion with a fi nal score of 55- self on the big stage (Fordham’s only lumbia. Well thank god we beat an 0. Evidently it could have been worse front of the people other game that got the national broad- Ivy… Oh wait, we lost to Penn. You can as Army was leading 42-0 at halftime. cast this year was a thumping courtesy scratch any jubilation from that accom- Maybe the drop in production was who are trying to sup- of Connecticut to the tune of 35-3, but plishment then. We have Bucknell and because they got bored and kind of port you.” hey at least we got a fi eld goal!). It’s Holy Cross left on our schedule. By the stopped paying attention because a kind of ironic how the saintly fi gure of time of this writing’s publication, the game that’s that much of a blowout our athletic program is Vince Lombardi, Bucknell game will have happened. that early would be diffi cult to focus barbells on their lap and seeing who a man whose legacy is predicated not I’m just learning that Bucknell has a on for anyone, even people playing in could support the most weight doing on being some kind of strategic innova- football team. I’ll pick them to win. I’ll it. Also, this game was nationally tele- this. Because you know, God forbid tor or brilliant football mind but rather pick Holy Cross to win too. Both games vised, so there’s that extra embarrass- they not show some humility after em- on the fact that he had an otherworldly will be at home. I might go to the Holy ment. Way to rep us boys, you done us barrassing our school on national tele- ability to win all the goddamn time. Win- Cross game; at the very least it might proud. vision. ning is pretty much all he fucking cared be funny. The next day I was working out at Go team. We’re number one. about, and his single-mindedness has Oh, and that bowl game I mentioned the non-varsity gym, a place whose dis- When you get your shit handed to served as a model for those who want at the beginning, we lost that one too. page 10 the paper november 16, 2011 The Real Story Behind Attempted Sign-In Policy Reform What “The Ram” Failed To by Gibson Merrick STAFF WTF Mention And now, something completely members, who range by Mickie Meinhardt unheard of: the paper writing an arti- from students, faculty, EXECUTIVE CO-EDITOR cle in response to The Ram. But wait, and deans. So I said my this time it’s bigger than a rivalry, it in- STOP. It’s time to sign her out. piece: the sign-in sucks, Teens Are Using Vodka-Soaked Tam- volves you too! Quick show of hands, it serves no apparent pons To Get Shwasty who here thinks Fordham’s sign-in purpose, and we aren’t Kids these days! Did you know policy is the greatest thing ever? Any- even given a reason for teenage girls have been soaking their one? ...Oh, right, everyone hates it, its existence. The Ram tampons in vodka before using them because it makes no goddamn sense. might have you believ- to get hammered? Yep. It’s a thing. Can someone explain to me what hor- ing Dean Rodgers suc- And because it bypasses stomach acid rible, life-threatening things start at cessfully debunked my and goes straight into the bloodstream 5PM requiring my friends in O’Hare to points with logical, well- they’re getting twice as shitfaced. sign me in? And why the hell 3:30AM thought out replies. What that really say? “Oh yes, my child goes Some guys have taken to using anal is the designated go-the-fuck-home The Ram doesn’t mention are the fre- to school in New York City. But don’t beer bongs too; they didn’t want to time? Is it completely arbitrary? Maybe quent references to vague, unnamed worry, it’s not like I actually trust them miss out on he unconventional alcohol- it’s the Catholic church hating on our disasters the administration seems to with that. I sleep easier at night know- absorbtion fun. Too bad this can give sex lives? be planning for (the only example they ing they’re safe behind spiked, metal you alcohol poisoning and wear down This is why I went to the Student Life gave wasLeaving a fi re). room I take for Godfi res sinceabout 1841 as fences and an overbearing sign-in sys- the lining of their organs! Ouchies! Council meeting a few weeks ago hop- seriously as the next guy, but if there tem. They’re too stupid to be trusted Haha, what will they think of next! ing to get some answers, which leads were an actual fi re in a dorm (and not with anything else.” The lesson to take me back to The Ram. Last week they some bullshit burnt-toast fi re), what home from this: worrying, domineering You Can Follow WWII on Twitter published a story detailing this very world are we living in where “a roster of helicopter parents need to be stopped. History buffs, rejoice. Someone set Student Life Council meeting. They who was in the building and who was Oh, and the system was also up a Twitter account for World War II quoted Dean Rodgers’ response to my not” is more important than SAVING deemed by Rodgers a “reasonable (handle: @RealTimeWWII) that tweets agenda item (I was totally mentioned THE FUCKING STUDENTS? Who the tampering” of students’ interest to see in real-time events and quotes as they in paragraphs 2-4 guys!), but of course hell sees a fi re then dives for the sign- each other. One that maintains “secu- happened exactly 72 years ago. There they left out all his juicy, completely asi- in list? “Yeah, I’m pretty sure I left a rity, privacy, and roommates’ rights.” are even journal entries from generals, “It just goes to show few residents burning alive on the third The fuck? You’d think having a friend soldiers, and political fi gures to show fl oor, but at least we know their names, over was like committing a hate crime, what people in the thick of it actually how much the admin- right?” the way these people talked about it. thought. And let’s examine for a second And which rights are being violated for istration likes to pre- Dean Rodgers’ assertion that it’s “a se- the roommate here? Save freshman How To Make Mulled Cider serve their “Bronx- curity measure in part” (the other part year, wouldn’t upperclass roommates It’s basically winter, meaning it’s is to prevent you from freely walking be able to work out their room’s guest time for hot alcoholic beverages. Even is-out-to-get-you” from the third to second fl oor, or some- policy considering they choose who to if you suck at kitchen-related things, thing. Pffft). Remember those security live with? In other words, the policy is it’s insanely easy. mentality. booths at every entrance on campus to 100% sex related, so can we cut the You need: a large pot, several jugs keep the Bronx townies out? And the shit, administration? Just call it what it of cider, whole cinnamon sticks, whole nine justifi cations for the system. Little locked doors at every dorm? Are we is: you don’t want us having sex. Don’t cloves, nutmeg, an orange, brown sug- did they realize I TOO was taking notes students the security threats? Security come at us with this bullshit “security” ar, vanilla extract, a fi fth of brandy, a and will set the record straight. If you threats that strictly operate from 5PM rational, because it makes no sense. small amount of rum. hate the sign-in policy like I do, bottle to 3:30AM? And college kids are still gonna fuck. Prep: Pour as much cider will fi t that rage and forget about Occupy To me, it just goes to show how But what can we do about it? Bar- into the pot; heat on medium to high Wall Street for 30 seconds; hopefully, much the administration likes to pre- ring abstinence (all of us here are prac- heat. Add two to three cinamon sticks, enough of us will get pissed off and do serve their “Bronx-is-out-to-get-you” ticing Catholics right?), it couldn’t hurt a tablespoon nutmeg, a tablespoon something about it. mentality—for us and the parents—and to get the normal parents to call in and vanilla extract, 1/3 cup brown sugar I guess SLC meetings work sorta that’s just silly. It all comes down to say something about it. And USG keeps (amounts are fl exible--use what looks like local town meetings, in that anyone pleasing the parents, I suppose; even saying they’ll be putting out a survey right for the amount of cider you have). can bring something up for discussion Deans Rodgers admitted that. He said soon; we should all agree to check the Stud the orange with the cloves and so long as they show up and present the policy was “quite near the parents’ box that says “please stop treating us throw it in. Add brandy and rum as de- it. Rules say you’ve got three minutes top of the list” of favorite policies at like we’re dumb-fucks and security sired. Cover and let sit for 30 mins; do to pitch your issue followed by three Fordham, displaying “overwhelming threats” and speak up now while we not let it boil, or the alcohol will evapo- minutes of discussion amongst board support” in surveys. But what does still have the chance. rate. Serve hot. Enjoy! november 16, 2011 the paper page 11 True Life: I’d Be A Vegetarian If It Weren’t For Those God Damn Delicious Buffalo Wild Wings meat industry is incredibly detrimental by Peter Lacerenza to the environment: the methane, the The wind beneath my wings is actually meat STAFF MEATHEAD clearing of forests, and the fossil fuels You are what you eat. However from transport have a signifi cant ef- banal, the phrase has immense cred- fect on out carbon footprints. In fact, ibility: to fi gure out why Americans are a 2008 German study concluded that statistically the most obese people on a meat eater’s diet produces seven Earth, one wouldn’t have to look fur- times as much greenhouse-gas emis- ther than the nearest McDonald’s. In sions than that of a vegan. To put this essence, eating defi nes our wellbeing, in perspective, Environmental De- and is intrinsically tied with our long- fense calculated that if every American term health. With that being said, it skipped one chicken meal per week in is important to watch ourselves as we favor of vegetarian food, the carbon di- navigate through the everyday tempta- oxide savings would equate to taking tion of gastronomical abandon. In re- over 500,000 cars off of United States gards to meat, being what we eat takes roads. To make meat-eating prospects on a deeper, ethical precedent. even bleaker, immense amounts of wa- Having a son of a butcher for a fa- ter are ineffi ciently utilized in spite of ther never really garnered an aware- emerging global water crisis. goggle-eyed with amazement as my sundae, and eating meat sometimes ness of alternative eating styles. In our If anything is cause for my omni- token vegetarian friend showcased goes without saying. house, vegetarians were treated with vore’s dilemma, it’s the treatment and the bevy of soy products he had for If anything, the high rate of meat an unwavering, gray-gummed suspi- environmental impact. To accommo- lunch. Much to my disbelief, he wasn’t consumption per capita comes as no cion, and tofurkey was a butt of Thanks- date dietary sentiments there is the ev- unhealthy, or gray-gummed. However, surprise. On one hand, there is the per- giving jokes. Therefore, deviation from er-expanding dietary lexicon: there are when I worked up the courage to try my sistently romantic cowboy and ranching the animal-eating track wasn’t fostered the aforementioned vegans, the ethi- luck with soy bacon, I couldn’t help but culture. On the other, there are Cheesy or discussed, and vegetarianism re- cal fl exetarians, and the skinny bitch grimace. It had sure mastered the art Gorditas, Baconators, Whoppers, and mained a strange and foreign concept pescatarians out to defend the healthy of looking the part, but it was an un- McRibs constantly advertised, and throughout my childhood. and humane aspects of their eating worthy imposter. If anything, it lacked constantly calling us to book it to the habits. Personally, this, and the fl ip- “As much as I enjoy the essential meatiness and cholester- closest Taco Bell or Wendy’s without pant American diet culture have only ol that had been the sweetheart of full looking back. exacerbated my questioning. Do I only animals for their man- breakfasts past. It was but a short-lived Despite this, there is the nagging eat free-range animals that I have? Do I ifest purposes, I’m and noble fi rst attempt at the alterna- ethical imperative. After fi fth grade, I just eat seafood, or do I forgo all animal tive. became familiar with a little organiza- products entirely? from America, home As a college student, I am faced with tion called PETA. However dramatized The fact of the matter is, the way a different dilemma. I am at liberty to the information, one must wonder we eat is a life style choice like any of the hot beef sun- pick and choose from the sometimes- where their meat is actually coming other. As bad as it sounds, I am not gruesome options presented in the from. Is it from the infamous factory quite ready to part with my omnivorous dae, and eating meat cafeteria. Oftentimes, this will result in farms where animals are animal are ways just yet. That isn’t to say I’m not sometimes goes with- my braving the stir-fry line in order to treated with a profound lack of consid- trying to become a vegetarian... It’s just forgo contracting salmonella. With this, eration? Did the animal suffer abuse, that as much as I can bemoan the hor- out saying.” I have become increasingly vegetarian or the wretched, cramped, and monot- monal plight of factory farm chickens, in my eating habits, but there remains onous lives often depicted in PSAs? the taste of ranch-covered Honey Bar- that inner, red-blooded urge to inhale The fact of the matter is I’ve come It wasn’t until my experiences with becue Buffalo Wild Wings isn’t one I’m a burger and fries. As much as I enjoy to realize meat consumption is so vegetarianism in 5th grade that my mis- quite ready to give up forever. animals for their manifest purposes, much more than just an ethical imper- conceptions were cleared up. I’d go I’m from America, home of the hot beef ative. Whether we realize it or not, the page 12 the paper november 16, 2011 Casting Call For A Workplace Sitcom

Set In Heaven How “Touched By An Angel” Touched Me by Marisa Carrol having the faith of a child, Christianity NEWS CO-EDITOR is more complicated than Touched By I am not a religious woman. I was An Angel. Heck, even Touched By An never a big-city girl trapped in a small, Angel is more complicated than it pre- Christian town, nor did I “catch athe- sented itself to be. Besides troubling ra- ism” when I came to college. Regard- cial tropes I’ve noticed since watching less, every Sunday night for years my the show as an adult—for instance, that younger sister and I would plop down Reese’s Tess, an overweight, sharp- on the couch and watch CBS’s God- tongued, black woman who cares for a drama Touched By An Angel. When she younger white woman, easily fulfi lls a wasn’t working, Mom would watch, too, “Mammy” stereotype—Touched’s good- as would 20 million other Americans and-evil, black-and-white world often every week. paints itself into an ideological corner. Touched By An Angel ran from The show is at its weakest when, all 1994 to 2003, practically throughout having gone to Hell in the episode, the my entire childhood; notably, this niche deus ex machina is literally God send- drama ran just one season fewer than ing a fax to the angels informing them Friends. One-part 700 Club, one-part that He has fi xed the problem. Even as workplace sitcom, Touched followed a nine year old, I knew that was pretty the life—or, afterlife—of an amateur bogus. “case-worker” angel named Monica, Touched for the very Still, I kept watching. I suppose I do played by Roma Downey. God sends fi rst time not mind it when television patronizes Monica to Earth to guide people at to me; in fact, I was very into both Mau- crossroads in their lives. In turn, her ry Povich and MTV’s reality show lineup gram. I do not remember much by way “God loves you, God loves you.” supervisor Tess, played by minister, throughout my Touched phase. But did of specifi c episodes—though the case We weren’t watching Touched then gospel singer, and talk show host Della the creators of Touched By An Angel of the rock star single-dad immediately like we sometimes watch it today, with Reese, guides Monica through these intend for me to consume Monica’s jumps to mind—nor do I know if there a sense of perverse irony (as if children encounters and, of course, soulfully dramas like I did Genesis and Elka’s on were larger, seasonal story arcs be- even have the capacity for irony, tod- sings the show’s theme song. The an- The Real World: Boston? While a quick yond Monica vaguely improving her an- dlers wearing snarky tees purchased gels can communicate with God but Google search of the show’s head writ- gel-technique. I remember very clearly, by their Park Slope parents notwith- are, in their embodied form, practically er and executive producer, Martha Wil- however, that Monica had a square standing.) Sincerely, we found Touched human. They even drive a red Cadillac liamson, would suggest an explosive, jaw and an Irish accent. My sister and pretty entertaining, deeply soothing, Eldorado convertible. Beliefnet.com’s “Most Powerful Chris- I would mercilessly mimic her, repeat- and, in a strange way, taboo. That tian in Hollywood 2007” worthy “No! “The deus ex machi- ing her almost parodically sincere Monica had to solve problems meant Touched is different!,” it is hard to deny catchphrase “God loves you” enough that there were problems to be solved: that Touched is unlike other, less main- na is literally God send- times to drive our mother mad but too adult problems like Crime! Sex! Lies! stream Christian media I have encoun- few to actually develop passable Irish Even—following the introduction of the tered over the years. More than it fi ts ing a fax to the angels accents. We also failed to develop an (very cute) Angel of Death in the third the Christian genre, it is a CBS show: informing them that interest in the God part of that phrase. season—Death! Touched brought to- Less like VeggieTales; more like, as my I remember the fi rst time Monica gether our desire to experience the sister recalled, “Law and Order with He has fi xed the prob- appeared on screen. She was walk- adult world with themes simple enough happy endings.” ing barefoot through the desert past a for us to understand. Not only were the Maybe one day—for sake of fair- lem. Even as a nine rattlesnake and a white dove. Clearly, themes, like Follow the Golden Rule, ness—I will pick up one of Williamson’s Touched did not excel at subtlety. About familiar to us already, but additionally books or tapes and give her another year old, I knew that seven times every episode, somebody at least one of the characters outright chance to catechize me. Through a was pretty bogus.” said “somebody” while pointing up- explained the story’s moral during the more personal medium, like audio or ward, gesturing to God. Some mortal’s episode. A total failure in the world of the written word, maybe her brand of mother was always dying in a car crash “show-don’t-tell,” this tactic made the Considering that I watched for a Christian spirituality would stick, some- or a freak “career-woman neglecting show less critically successful than, signifi cant portion of my formative how altering how I live my daily life. Un- her husband and children” accident. let’s say, Kieslowski’s Decalogue, but years (211 episodes at one hour each: til then, I will be on the phone with my Someone was always stealing from the very accessible to a couple godless a frightening amount of time), I have sister, each of us telling the other, “God elderly. Shaky strings plucked away at twerps sitting on a futon in Chicago. a startlingly poor memory of the pro- loves you,” over and over. a cheesy adult-contemporary score. While Mark’s Gospel praises one november 16, 2011 the paper page 13 addiction. I then switch over to mouth- ing “SORRY I CAN’T HEAR YOU THE MU- SIC IS TOO LOUD, la la” and the light Hell Is A Long-Ass Red Light fi nally turns green. Quick getaways are a key when at- tempting to fl ee from a red light situa- Or Driving a ‘96 Honda Accord tion. Probably the worst red light sce- by Alana Hollbrook nario that I’ve ever experienced was STAFF LEADFOOT when I encountered “complete strang- There is seemingly nothing worse er/creepy possible serial killer guy”. I than driving at a comfortable pace, was stuck at a red light on a main road gliding breezily with the fl ow of traf- in my town, when some random dude fi c, only to be stopped abruptly by that walks up to my car and starts asking dreaded crimson glow. The killjoy of me a series of complicated (not wom- the open road, also known as the red an-friendly) questions: “I was admiring light, has consistently been the source your car from afar, is it a 1996 Honda of many ridiculous occurrences in my Accord?” and “You must have a lot of life. I’ve learned the hard way that it’s miles on this baby.” In my mind, I drive not the obligation to stop that bothers a 200 B.C. piece of shit and couldn’t me; it’s my unfortunate luck of aligning At least you didn’t tell you how many miles it has on it to with the absolute worst people at that see your Spanish save my life. Every time he asked me exact moment. Sometimes I fi nd myself teacher here. a question I slowly inched the win- trapped in what I like to call a “red light dow higher and higher. The icing on situation”, asking God if this is what the cake of creepiness was when he hell really looks like: me, trapped in a slipped in a bad metaphor about my car, glaring red lights, and my eighty- “sparkling eyes”. I sped away as soon year-old Spanish teacher staring me as the light turned green, silently prais- down from the passenger seat window you paid attention to what’s in front of up, hearing the faint echo of my name ing that emerald beacon of hope. of the car directly next to mine. YOU, you’d know my name. from the adjacent car. After some seri- I may be biased about red lights for “Señora!” I could hear my crusty, Red lights taught me that it’s not ous head bobbing in attempt to make it a lot of reasons: I hate how they tell me slowly decaying ex-Spanish teacher call always a good thing for people to know to stop, I hate how they are able to turn out to me. At fi rst, I didn’t really know my name. Picture the most irritating “This is what hell my car into Dante’s Inferno for thirteen how to feel about this. Was I offended person you know, that person that al- really looks like: me, seconds to a minute, and I really hate because he called me Señora? Be- ways wants to “hang out”--you always my ongoing battle with fate and the im- cause I’m pretty sure an actual fl esh- end up telling them that you really want trapped in a car, glar- possible situations that I experience at and-blood unmarried Spanish woman to, but on the exact day that he or she red lights. These are only a selection would get out the car and slap him wants to make plans, you just happen ing red lights, and my of the stories that I’ve acquired from across the face for that. Was I more of- to be traveling to Uganda to clothe eighty-year-old Span- obeying the law. You name the person; fended that he probably still didn’t re- starving pelicans. I’ve gotten stuck at a I’ve probably been stuck at a light with member my name, even though I sat di- light with this person, and it’s harder to ish teacher staring them. Everyone from the neighbor- rectly in front of him for an entire year? escape from this situation than a high hood serial killer to my ex-boyfriend’s Resentment aside, I rolled the window security prison. This time, it was the me down from the sister (although I sometimes confuse down completely and yelled back, “Hey red light that was standing between the the two) to my friend that I’m trying Mr. Kleinmann!” for which he then re- weekend and myself. Suddenly a Range passenger seat win- to avoid because we’re in a fi ght and sponded, “What? What about a Dober- Rover three times the size of my cheap- dow of the car direct- she’s wrong. Through these experienc- man?” This continued back and forth piece-of-shit car stops next to me, and es I’ve fi gured out the true purpose of for a few minutes and when the light I immediately know that it’s “let’s hang ly next to mine.” red lights: to give you a thirteen second fi nally turned green again he left me out girl”. The only solution to this situ- to a minute preview of hell, full of every- with a snide remark about how I should ation is to drown out her questioning clear that the volume is up and I can’t one you hate and you can’t leave early. pay more attention to what’s going on and numerous invitations with song. I hear her, I realize that this girl has the in front of me. Really, Mr. K? Maybe if turn the volume of the radio all the way perseverance of Gary Busey’s cocaine page 14 the paper november 16, 2011 Grow A Pair the paper’s view (Of Sideburns) Get Your Feast On by Liz O’Malley vembeard. To quote directly from my ARTS CO-EDITOR co-editor Andrew Craig, “A Novembeard Facial hair is something that I am is for pretenders.” A pretender? Nay, not afraid to say that I’m incredibly en- not I. I would proudly sport something November 16, 2011 vious of. Is that weird? Isn’t facial hair new, exotic, experimental, borderline Think back to when you were a little exorable march of time and somehow just, like, pubes? On your face? Lots of pedophilic on my face every month. kid. Ignore all of the repressed memo- gets better with age? Think back on times you hear people say the phrase ries surrounding that time you peed Thanksgiving days of yesteryear: you “penis envy,” but that’s really unap- “All I’m asking for yourself at you best friend’s birthday went to a family member’s house to go pealing to me. I don’t want a dick—that is the ability to shave party at the putt-putt golf course and eat a meal that your picky 9 year old sounds A) gross and B) fucking scary. Uncle Harry would yell about Satanism self probably didn’t even like in the fi rst All I’m asking for is the ability to shave my face-pubes into at the dinner table, and think back to place (I recall several years of request- my face-pubes into shapes. My God! the holidays. They were hands down, ing spaghetti for Thanksgiving dinner The things I would do with some facial shapes.” unequivocally, the SHIT. A few extra – SPK), sat around “talking” with your hair of my own. The mustaches! The days off from school (not to mention annoying aunts and creepy uncles, beards! The mutton chops! The glory! I can’t even begin to tell you how class periods spent making hand tur- there were NO PRESENTS, and every- Hypothetically speaking, I’d have many times I’ve lived vicariously keys or gluing cotton balls onto paper one took a huge tryptophan nap after the connect going on, because Lord through my male friends’ facial hair. to make a Santa face), the chance to all was said and done, pretty much a knows how annoying it is when all you I’ve commanded my friends to grow go for a little car trip a few hours away, death sentence for any jumpy kid look- want is a goatee but your weakling beards, and when they say they can’t, and the greatest TV specials of the ing to have a good time. genetics won’t allow the little patches I know that the real reason is that year. Each one had its own distinct ad- But, as time went on and the other along your side-lips to express them- they’re just not trying hard enough. vantage: Halloween was the one day of holidays lost their luster, things started selves. I’d probably start by growing out When someone makes it halfway the year when it was acceptable (and to turn around. Your little Neanderthal a beard and, once it got full enough, through mustache March and shaves it encouraged) to take candy from com- palate started to appreciate the occa- razor my hair away methodically, day off, I smell a quitter. When you fi nally plete strangers, Christmas was the sional vegetable, and suddenly every- by day, so I could experience each convince someone to shave their beard time a fat guy broke into your house thing on the table didn’t look like shit. kind of facial hair, from ZZ top to the into a handle bar mustache, then they and left you presents instead of killing Maybe towards the middle or end of copstache. I’m assuming my favorites realize they hate it and shave it off— your family, you get the idea. high school the ‘rents got a little loose would be the Salvador Dali or the Ni- what a looooser. The sky is the limit! Fast forward a few years, and things on after-dinner Beaujolais and let you etzsche, both impractical yet stylish. Unfortunately, I probably won’t be start to wind down a little bit. Just about have a glass, which probably felt like Statement pieces. able to grow facial hair of my own for everyone remembers the cripplingly the coolest thing since masturbation at And, oh, how much more exciting another 40 years or something. So awkward experience of realizing you a that age. the months would be! In the wake of I call on you, Fordham community, to tad too old to trick-or-treat while cruis- And now, cut to today. Thanksgiving Novembeard, aka No Shave November, grow out your chops, your stache, your ing the neighborhood in search of min- is when you head home and your fam- aka Movember, I can’t help but envy soul patches, and assert yourselves iature Three Musketeers bars, inevita- ily feeds you absurd amounts of food those who are able to partake. But if as a group of individuals. INDIVIDUALS bly running into some crabby old lady and booze. Simple as that. Now that I had facial hair, it wouldn’t stop at No- GOD DAMNIT. who calls you and your friends out on it. we’re all a bit older and more worldly, The magic of Christmas, too, started to we can all step back and take a look at Mmmm yes. Facial be methodically chipped away at when Thanksgiving for what it really is: a time pubes indeed. you stopped being the sole receiver of for getting together with close friends gifts and had to pony up some allow- and family and sharing a good time. ance money to get some shitty smelling Kidding; it’s a fucking food-orgy of candle for mom or a dumb calendar for Greco-Roman proportions. Gluttony dad. Every year, holidays became less of that sort is ordinarily frowned upon and less exciting, and eventually Hal- throughout the year, but if you don’t loween became little more than yet an- keep up and stuff your gullet with other excuse to get drunk, and Christ- roasted or fried bird like everyone else mas became something you budgeted then you’re looked at funny. for months in advance and wished you So now that the season is fast upon could use as a tax write-off. us, let’s all fl atten ourselves out like But, there’s one holiday that man- snakes preparing to eat something way aged not to deteriorate with age, but larger than us and dive in head fi rst. only get progressively more rad. That’s Stay hungry, Fordham. Happy Turkey right, we’re talking Turkey Day, kids. Day. What exactly is it about Thanks- giving that successfully avoids the in- november 16, 2011 the paper page 15

Wait...whaaaaat? Nooooo. WHAT?

Blackout NYC: Probably the Most they grabbed the back of my head, pulled it back, and started pouring wa- ter over my face. For a long time. That’s Horrifying Thing You Can Spend $60 On right readers, this horror enthusiast was water-boarded in the basement of by Gibson Merrick One Brave Reporter’s Experience Of Manhattan’s a Manhattan haunted house. Get on STAFF PSYCHOPATH my level. Now, I don’t want to compare Look, I know its November now Truly Horrifying “Extreme Theatre Event of the Year” myself to the unfortunate individuals and everyone is looking ahead to the who have been water-boarded by our wintery holidays, but I really want to A fun evening of government, but one thing I can attest tell you about the haunted house I paying someone to to is that being water-boarded seriously went to last week, okay? I know, I physically and men- sucks, no matter what Karl Rove says. know, what kind of person pays to go tally torture you. I’d imagine most people would call out to a haunted house after Halloween? the safety word at this point, but I was To which I reply, “Me, mother fucker.” more focused on breathing than bail- Plus, it snowed Halloween weekend ing on something I paid $50 for, so I and I wanted to be scared, so there. stuck with it. And I survived! Did I mention I shelled out fi fty dollars Also, who could forget the girl who too? And that I was tortured and maybe tied me up in a chair and made me pull raped a little there? No, it wasn’t one something out of her vagina? Some- of those underground sex dungeons thing I thought was a pacifi er (she told in Chelsea. I went to Blackout NYC, me she was going to put it in my mouth, which truly, truly earned the designa- and who was I to say no?), but turned tion as “the extreme theatre event of out to be a tampon. So there’s that… the year.” So even though it’s done for Im still not too sure what accepting a tampon into my mouth means for my I was then led into that I really like horror. I can’t even tell with three fold-out chairs positioned by masculinity/sanity, so Im kinda hoping you how many hours I’ve wasted watch- the door, black tarps along the stone we can all agree to be cool about that, another long room, ing shitty horror movies, hoping for that walls, and a tv on the far end featur- okay? And don’t tell my parents, that still tied, and sat one gem to give me nightmares for a ing a pig getting ripped apart by Asian won’t go over well... down, knees on the week. Anyone who likes horror movies men with hooks. Oh, and there was a After what felt like an hour (but was will know what I mean, fi nding some- big black guy in a hospital gown who probably more like 30 minutes), I es- fl oor. I was so sure thing that genuinely terrifi es you is the sat me down and tied my wrists with a caped Blackout NYC and returned to something horrible holy grail of horror. So naturally, my belt. And then he started feeling me up, the real world, where I quietly sat alone search for pants-soiling fear inevitably caressing my face like I was his own, on the Metro North back to Fordham, was gonna burst out led me to Blackout, which has a re- personal bitch (they can touch you in processing the fuckery I had just expe- of the dark end of the ally scary promo video that promises Blackout, by the way. I forgot to men- rienced. But torture aside, would I rec- “to eff you up.” And though I initially tion that). That said, this was probably ommend Blackout? It fucked me up, basement I forgot to balked at the $50 ticket, I fi nally decid- the tamest thing there, and defi nitely that’s safe to say. And I was quite ter- notice the man creep- ed to buy it. So I took the 4 train down the least frightening. rifi ed for my life a few times, so it defi - ing up behind me. to W 39th, hoping for the best. After 15 I was then led into another long nitely delivered on the scares. So hell minutes of anxiously waiting in line, I room, still tied, and sat down, knees on yeah, I’d recommend it! If you’re look- entered the pitch-black hallway (alone, the fl oor. I was so sure something hor- ing to be terrorized, look no further, another twelvemonth, it’s never too as promised) and was given a surgical rible was gonna burst out of the dark early to start planning your fi rst torture fellow Rams. Start saving up, because mask to put over my face, then sent end of the basement I forgot to notice I hear it’ll be even crazier next year. It experience! down a long, spiral staircase to a hor- the man creeping up behind me. That’s My friends can probably tell you might be wise to have a psychiatrist rifying basement. It was a long room, when the bag went over my head. Then lined up though... page 16 the paper november 16, 2011 ¾ of Battles Show Up and Give ¾ of a Without Former Member, Performance Battles Offers Lackluster What: Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Performance to Unappreciative By Eamon Stewart Where: Down Central Park West to 34th street STAFF KNEW ABOUT THIS BAND Audience BEFORE YOU DID When: November 24th That didn’t mean that trying How Much: Free There’s this weird trend going to translate both Mirrored Why: If you’re lucky enough to be in around of people going to concerts and and Gloss Drop live would go the city during Thanksgiving, you can acting very disinterested once the show over well, and it didn’t. Appar- catch the parade live on the streets starts. And it’s not like it’s people trying ently what Braxton brought to of Manhattan. Stop by the parade to ignore the shitty bar band playing in the band was more important prep area at Central Park West and the back, it’s people at actual venues to their live music than their Columbus Avenue, between W 77th studio sound. I saw Battles and W 81st st. to see the balloons seeing fairly prominent bands carrying back in ’07 (isn’t it cool that being infl ated - the early evening will on as if they’re totally disinterested in give you the best chance to see all of whomever they just paid $30 to see. I can brag about liking Bat- Enjoying yourself is so the iconic characters take shape. God forbid that you’re one of the peo- tles back then too?) and the ple who’s actually animated and excit- energy and enthusiasm he passe. What: Citi Pond at Bryant Park ed or trying to have a good time while brought to the performance Where: Sixth Ave. between 40th and seeing the band who’s overcharging was electric; this guy was so 42nd streets you, you will get condescending looks fucking happy to be alive and Aguayo apparently had an invigorating When: Sundays-Thursdays 8am- from the people who are apparently too playing the music--and playing it well- effect on the band too, as it was the 10pm, Fridays & Saturdays 8am- cool to enjoy themselves. If you don’t -that it elevated what was happening guest vocal songs (“Sweetie & Shag,” Midnight know what I’m talking about, either you around him. Apparently he was the “Ice Cream,” “My Machines”) that How Much: Free, but $14 skate never go to concerts in lower Manhat- spark plug for Ian Williams and Dave brought the band alive the most. Un- rentals tan or Brooklyn, or you’re one of these Konopka, because only drummer John fortunately, there were still those other Why: If you want to get into a late people and are too hip to realize that Stanier, seated directly in between the songs where Konopka and Williams fall/early winter mood, what better you have a tree jammed up your ass. other two and upfront on stage, dem- looked like they didn’t know what to do way than to go ice skating? Citi onstrated the ability to bring the crowd while Stanier tried his best to have a Pond at Bryant Park is cheaper than God forbid that you’re in. Konopka and Williams were content good time in the middle. The band did Rockefeller Center - free, in fact actually animatd and to press things on their keyboards, put seem to pick up towards the end as the (though skate rentals are $14) - and them on loop, and then bob their heads fi nal two instrumental tracks (“Inch- plenty big. Afterwards, you can grab and occasionally look at each other as worm” and “Futura”) were played with a hot chocolate and stroll around the excited or trying to have they played along on their guitar or more enthusiasm and promise, but the park to visit the holiday shops there, a good time while see- bass. And of course the crowd wasn’t bump in momentum was killed waiting or walk a block over to Times Square for the encore (a version of “Sundome” and enjoy all that has to offer. much help either, with the exception ing the band who’s over- of a spontaneous eruption of “Ole ole that was pretty forgetful) and the band resumed the same sluggishness. That What: Azalea Gardens charging you... ole.” This was generally the state of was the end of the show, a vague light Where: The New York Botanical things emotionally during the show. Gardens There’s also a trend gaining mo- As to how the band integrated the at the end of the tunnel that was quick- When: Through January 1st mentum that concerns the perfor- guest vocals and Braxton’s into the ly extinguished. How Much: Free mance aspect of the band. Increasingly show, it was actually kind of cool. For Plenty of people had their doubts Why: Regardless of whether you’re it appears that the distinction between Mirrored songs, the backdrop fl ashed about Battles when it was announced a starry-eyed freshman or a jaded playing your instruments live and put- images of the album cover and artwork that they were going to continue on senior, you now have absolutely ting on a show is eroding. Simply stand- while Braxton’s voice carried over the without Braxton. But most of the reser- no excuse to have never visited ing on stage and going through the mo- sound system. That wasn’t the cool vations regarded what the next album the Botanical Gardens. As you tions of the song without messing up part. For Gloss Drop songs there were would sound like. Turns out, that wasn’t probably heard, Fordham reached an shouldn’t qualify as putting on a good pre-taped black and white clips of what people should have been worry- agreement with the Gardens so that show. Live music requires that extra whomever the guest vocalist was sing- ing about. Battles still sounds good Fordham students can visit for free, jump; people have paid good money ing along that fl ashed while the band when it’s just them noodling around seven days a week as opposed to to be entertained, that’s why they’ve was performing the corresponding and doing the weird shit that they do in the normal $18 student rate. Vibrant opted to see a band live instead of just song. The effect of listening to Gary Nu- the studio - it’s when you put them in red, purple, and pink azaleas and listening to their record on repeat. man’s disembodied voice from above front of actual people to play that prob- rhododendrons have been added to while staring into multiple versions of lems arise. Whether or not they can fi g- the newly landscaped 11-acre garden, Battles had already answered the question of how an album without Tyon- his lifeless eyes fl ashing across a bunch ure out those issues without Braxton is so now is a great time to spend a few anyone’s guess. hours taking in the gorgeous fl oral dai Braxton would sound, and the an- of giant TV screens was funny and cool displays across the street. swer was “Not totally fucking awesome, in a very strange way. Having to stare but still pretty awesome nonetheless.” at giant images of Numan or Matias november 16, 2011 the paper page 17 After Ten Years Minus the Bear Stays True to Their Roots Quirky Prog-Rock Band Seems Like Who: Mustard Plug, Flatfoot 56 Where: Knitting Factory, Brooklyn By Jenn Schwartz They Might Be Some Pretty Cool Dudes When: 7 p.m., Friday, November 18 STAFF SHOWGOER How Much: $12a/$14d wears a wedding ring, but the band has Omni, and it’s obvious this is one band Why: Mustard Plug tends to draw a somehow managed to remain very in that genuinely defi es classifi cation. “A friend of the band had gone on younger crowd with checkered/spiked touch with their musical roots after all You’d be hard pressed not to laugh at a date, and one of us asked him after- everything and a ton of energy. Flat- this time. In fact, their current set list much of their discography, but in the wards how the date went. Our friend foot 56 brings in slightly older, incred- includes the band’s fi rst full-length re- end, Minus the Bear’s experimental ibly devoted fans. Together, Mustard said, ‘You know that TV show from the lease, “Highly Refi ned Pirates,” played prog rock will move you emotionally Plug and Flatfoot 56 will have you ‘70s, B.J. and The Bear? It was like in its entirety at every stop. It’s no fl uke and physically. moshing and skanking until you get that... minus The Bear.’” This is Mi- that MTB has grown and maintained Back at the sold-out Webster punched in the nose and have to sit nus The Bear, a band known for a de- an immense and deeply loyal fan base Hall show, the crowd pulses with the on the sidelines for a song or two. cade of moving melodies, sexy lyrics, since “Pirates.” Armed with an under- heavy beat, a sea of closed eyes and What’s particularly alluring about polyrhythms, and, apparently, an epic standing of the raw humor and sexu- synchronized bobbing heads, peace- seeing these bands are the headlin- sense of humor. ality that has connected them to their ful little dance pits erupting here and ers—usually reggae, ska, bluegrass, A decade is a long, unlikely amount fans since 2001, their quirky, yet un- there. The scene is a moving one-- until or punk, they kill it and make the of time for a band to stay together, let mistakably sensual sound has man- vocalist Jake Snider nonchalantly inter- whole show enjoyable from start to alone stay successful. But with fi ve LPs encore. aged to evolve, yet remain honest and rupts, “For those of you who decide to and four EPs already under their belts, never pretentious. get it on tonight and not wrap it up... Minus the Bear make reaching this Who: Kid Rock What’s great about these polyrhyth- we have onesies for nine months from milestone look easy. Guitarist Dave Where: Beacon Theater mic pros is that they don’t take them- now.” And onto the next song. Knudson recalls a not-as-promising When: 8 p.m., Saturday, November selves seriously at all. Nonsensical In true MTB fashion, it appears the start, commenting, “If you had told 19 song titles like me ten years ago that we’d be where How Much: $45 “Thanks For we are now, I would’ve been like ‘Oh, Minus da’ Bears Why: Bawitdaba da bang a dang dig- the Killer Game sweet,’ but I wouldn’t have guessed gy diggy diggy said the boogy said up of Crisco Twist- that from going to the fi rst practice.” jump the boogy Bawitdaba da bang a er,” “Monkey!!! Probably thousands of practices dang diggy diggy diggy said the boogy Knife!!! Fight!!!,” said up jump the boogy Bawitdaba later, however, the 10 Year Anniver- and “Hey, Wanna da bang a dang diggy diggy diggy said sary Tour has sold out shows on both Throw Up?” are the boogy said up jump the boogy My coasts, and if the New York stop is any apparently the re- name is Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii indication, the fans have been getting sult of drunken iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii just what they came for-- a chance to pick-up lines from iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii dance, reminisce, and meet the musi- the bands ear- iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii cians behind it all. lier years. Their iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiddddddd sense of humor is ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd Armed with an under- what makes Mi- Rock lololol standing of the raw hu- nus the Bear not just creators of Who: Los Campesinos!, Dinosaur Feathers mor and sexuality... their music you make Where: Music Hall of Williamsburg meaningful mem- quirky, yet unmistake- When: 8 p.m., Thursday, November ories to-- they’re 17 ably sensual sound has also the kind of How Much: $20 guys you can see yourself grabbing a Seattle natives are already hard at Why: One of the most interesting and managed to evolve, yet beer and BS’ing with. work on the next ten years, currently individual bands from the UK today, It’s not easy to defi ne Minus the writing material to be recorded in Janu- Los Campesinos! hit the Bowery remain honest and nev- Bear’s musical style, and they like ary. According to Knudson, fans can Ballroom this week with shows on er pretentious. it that way. “Pachuca Sunrise,” the look forward to “a mix of experimental, Wednesday and Thursday. They’re band’s fi rst major hit, is a spine-tingling out-thereness and concise, poppier supporting their latest release Hello romantic song about feeling close de- songs.” Not surprisingly, this sounds Sadness. This band has matured It’s easy to assume that such a suc- spite distance. Songs like this one are like the perfect mixture that will make more in four years, musically and cessful band has forgotten their roots the reason why two marriage propos- longtime fans and new listeners both emotionally, than most people do in after becoming popular, but a closer als have taken place on this current think and dance-- but probably not at their entire lives. Be ready to dance, look reveals that not much has actually tour alone. Add to this the progressive, the same time. If there’s any band de- scream along, and then download changed over the last decade. Sure, dense sound of Planet of Ice and the serving of another ten years, it’s Minus everything they’ve ever recorded. the beards are bushier and one of them pulsing, seductive funk of their latest, the Bear. page 18 the paper november 16, 2011 An Artist Unhindered By Ego By Jake Kenny tor (best documentary, “Exit Through While his work is great and he is a STAFF TAGGER the Gift Shop”). But there is one dras- talented tagger, he has to have ev- tic difference that sets him apart from erybody know. Banksy in motivated He’s known as an art terrorist by other graffi ti artists that makes him the by simply spreading his message, not British authorities. There really isn’t a best tagger I know of. It’s the fact he himself. That’s fucking noble by any cooler title than that, I think. The mys- can put his ego in his fucking pocket artistic standard. When Banksy won terious man known only as Banksy is a to make art and not mix the two. Other documentary of the year, he obvious- graffi ti artist, political activist, painter, artists recently have taken to writing ly didn’t show up to accept the award. and even an award winning fi lm direc- their tag name in Police were waiting at the ceremony big, puffy, hard to to arrest him. Shepard Fairey would read letters, and sooner eat a can of spray paint and then posting pic- go to jail than miss a chance at pub- tures of them to a licity like that. To put it simply, Banksy site of some kind. is the Joker, and other taggers are the Take Shepard Fairey regular bad guys in The Dark Knight. for example. You “Its not about the money, it’s about may know him by sending a message.” the Andre the Giant “Obey” campaign or the iconic Obama “Hope” picture. Ramen: So Much More Than Instant Noodles Considered a Delicacy of Fast Food in Japan, Authentic Ramen Has by Sean Patrick Kelly EDITOR IN CHIEF Flavorful Broth, Firm Noodles, and a Variety of Delicious Toppings For us students, the term “Ramen” comes with some serious connotations. ty much the only similarity that instant dish for students and blue collar work- shoots), and naruto (a type of cooked The mention of the word immediately ramen here in America shares with ers, ramen is nonetheless an object of fi sh cake, or kamaboko). Ramen variet- draws up images of reckless culinary ramen proper is the shape of the noo- connoisseurship and a source of great ies are nearly as numerous as towns abandon and desperately seeking a dles (which, by the way, varies greatly pride among those who produce it. At themselves in Japan, and many places quick source of salt and carbohydrates across the ramen spectrum). the most basic level, Ramen consists pride themselves on their unique take to carry you through another day when True ramen is a Japanese dish of of alkali-noodles (traditionally made on the dish. you just can’t bear to choke down one Chinese origin, though exactly when with mineral rich water containing so- Now that you know that ramen more caf meal; not exactly the pinnacle it was introduced to the Japanese dium carbonate) in soup with toppings. is far more than the packaged crap of connoisseurship, let’s say. However, is unclear. Ramen was popularized The type of ramen is determined pri- you paid your roommate 50 cents for, it would be a grave mistake to write ra- in Chinese immigrant communities marily by the type of soup the noodles where can you get some? Not surpris- men off so quickly. The world are in and the type of tare, es- ingly, all over New York. If you’ve ever “Man who catch ramen of ramen is one largely unex- sentially a strongly fortifi ed soy been galumphing around anywhere with chopsticks accom- plored in our country, being sauce, used to fl avor it. Though east of 3rd Avenue and south of 14th, plish anything.” that our conceptions of the regional varieties number in then you’ve probably ran into the local dish are so thoroughly satu- the hundreds, four basic types franchise Ramen Setagaya. Though it’s rated with the seemingly inex- dominate: shoyu, fl avored easily accessible and quite tasty, it’s a tricable connection between with soy sauce and a chicken- bit overpriced and their menu strives the broke college kid and his based broth, shio, a salty type for a bit too much variety. For one of ramen. So let’s take a look at anchored by a seafood and the best ramen experiences, make where this all comes from. seaweed-based broth, tonkot- the trek to Rai Rai Ken on 10th Street What we refer to as ramen su, which features a cloudy between 2nd and 3rd. A simple menu here in the States is, fi rst off, and oily soup made from pork offer the four classic types of ramen more accurately referred to as bones, and miso ramen, with and a few side dishes means that they instant noodles. The associa- soup made from fermented do one thing and do it well, and the tion with ramen comes from soybean paste. Though top- price is right for what you get. This tiny, the fact that the inventor of pings vary regionally, as do the twelve seat hole in the wall is exactly instant noodles, Taiwanese-born Mo- within Japan, and eventually became style of noodles, the old standbys are what a ramen enthusiast looks for in a mofuku Ando, based his creation off a staple dish of working class people curly, somewhat fi rm noodles, topped ramen bar, and comes as close as New of a famous and ubiquitous Japanese throughout the country. Though tradi- with roasted pork, boiled egg, spring York can to delivering the true ramen dish. After all of its modifi cations, pret- tionally regarded as a quick and cheap onions, menma (pickled bamboo experience. november 16, 2011 the paper page 19 Gossip Girl Needs The Series Following Priveleged, Good-Looking Upper East Side Teenagers Has Gone Steadily Downhill As It To Die Relies on Formulaic Plots and Repetitive Relationships By Suzette Dorrielan pop up from time to time, but it wasn’t derstandable, but growing up doesn’t to be a fundamental character that ev- STAFF SECRETLY IS GOSSIP GIRL just established artists. Gossip Girl mean your clothes have to be boring. eryone was waiting for the producers showcased so many new talents and Seriously, the clothes put me to sleep. and writers to unveil. Now she’s just Since Gossip Girl premiered in underrated artists. Through Gossip Girl There was nothing interesting about a narrator who has turned into a lazy 2007, it has been a guilty pleasure I discovered Crystal Castles, Depart- the yellow top and navy shorts Serena stalker. And with the disappointment of for many of us. However, as the show ment of Eagles, and Razorlight. And wore in last season’s “Goodbye Colum- fi nding out who’s “Gossip Girl” is, now continued with most of the characters what was even better about the music, Honestly, there’s we only have their petty lives as enter- going to college, it lost that spark that was how it always matched the tone tainment. And honestly there’s only so had us religiously in front of our TV’s on of a scene. At the end of season one, only so much of this much of the same, revolving plot I can Mondays at when Dan and take. Every season is identical. Ser- 8 pm. Now, Serena break same, revolving plot ena and Blair are best friends. Some- it’s just a up at Lily’s wed- I can take. Every sea- thing happens, and they are no longer shadow of its ding reception, best friends. Serena probably loses former self and Death Cab son is identical. some other friends along the way (my that’s barely for Cutie’s “The money’s on Nate this season). Serena worth watch- Ice Was Get- bia.” Generally, I’m more of a Blair Wal- gets into some trouble. Blair will either ing on Sid- ting Thinner” dorf fan in the fashion department, but have made up with her already or Ser- ereel. Gos- played. Who even she (or rather Leighton Meester’s ena will come to her asking for help or sip Girl, for did not have a stylist) has failed in the past two sea- her forgiveness. Serena’s problem be- the past two “tear” moment? sons. Moving on comes an even seasons, has Now-a-days, the to the guys: I’m bigger problem been a dis- music, well, indifferent about and Blair ral- appointment sucks. I mean I Nate’s clothing. I lies the troops to watch. did get hyped, never really cared (Nate, Chuck Now, in the when they much for his nau- and sometimes midst of its played “Power” tical style. As for Dan). They fi fth season, by Kanye West Chuck, his style save Serena, I can’t help (you can put was bolder in the because they but wonder that song over fi rst season. As are rich and not only if any trailer, even the series moved money can fi x it’s worth it if the movie or on, he became everything. All to watch, but show sucks, more dapper, is well. The sea- if it is really and it will make which I liked, but son ends with worth it to produce. In my opinion it’s that trailer look like the best thing in it just was “blah” them getting not. I honestly wouldn’t cry if CW came the world). Then I thought, “Power” is a (which is not char- ready to leave out and said that they were going to good song, but it’s not cool-outlandish- acteristic of our fa- the city for the cancel Gossip Girl. So I propose to you super-creative-clever-fun-pop, just your vorite man-whore “Does my style irk you? summer. The three reasons why Gossip Girl should average-on-the-radio-and-on-MTV pop. Chuck Bass). The I’d still fuck me.” only difference be cancelled--ironically, the same three Gossip Girl was a trendsetter as far as fashion has be- in the seasons’ reasons that made the show great. music went; now it’s just another plat- come boring and plots is how form for Top 40 records. predictable, which much more ri- Music can also describe diculous they Alexandra Patsavas, music supervi- Fashion what they try to get every sea- sor for Gossip Girl said right before the Who did not love the fashion on pass off as a plot. son. Blair getting married…to a prince? fi rst season aired, “What ‘The OC did Gossip Girl? In season one and two, the Come on! The writers have substitut- for indie rock, we’d like ‘Gossip Girl’ reinvention of the school girl outfi t was Plot ed being creative with being shock- to do for pop.” And it did! Gossip Girl killer! I loved Blair’s preppy and classic The plot for the past two seasons ing, and that’s always a signal that a showcased so many different talents. outfi ts, Jenny’s eclectic ensembles and has sucked! Really. Really. Sucked. show’s time is almost up. It wasn’t just pop music. It was good bright tights, and Serena’s laid back Remember a long time ago, when the I give it one more season. pop music. Artists like Justin Timber- appeal. Moving on to college caused question everyone was asking was, lake, Timbaland, and Lady Gaga would a shift in their wardrobe. This is un- “Who is gossip girl?” Gossip Girl used page 20 the paper november 16, 2011

Right now, the only thing hotter than a child sex scandal is a street style blog. And because we’re all about jump- ing on bandwagons, we at the paper decided to do our own non-web version that’s decidedly superior to some Sar- torialist dude with a fancy camera. Did you know the paper is older than the whole Internet?? Yeah, suck on that you Tumbling little ninnies. It wasn’t easy to make our selections to grace these illustrious pages--everyone just looks so chic here, it’s to die for like we couldn’t even stand it. But between all the Blair and Chucks and McShanes, we were able to narrow it down to these fi erce gentlemen. Behold, the best of Fordham’s street style, shot against the stunning backdrop of a dark room that haasn’t been used since 1994 (the date on a mix cassete found in the back).

Wayne Michaels Junior, Finance and Marketing Indianapolis, Indiana

Who designed your boots? They’re so chic! Not sure who designed them, but the words ‘Vibrant’ and ‘Merrell’ are carved into the plastic soles. I can rea- sonably guess that they were made by children though.

How does your Midwest style translate on the East Coast? It doesn’t.

Three words, sum up your style. Fierce, comical, frantic.

What is your go to item in your closet this season? Harley Dibbs Probably my Yank. It’s a leather strap that wraps Sophmore, Undeclared around my leg and penis and manages to make me Lancaster, Pennsylvania orgasm wherever I’m headed. Describe your style in three words. High and mighty! Haha kidding… but re- ally. Patrick O’Murray Senior, Philosophy Major Would you say your look is more lumber- Portland, Oregon jack-hipster or neo-grunge? I’d prefer not to classify myself into any What’s your go-to accessory this season? one style, but probably lumberjack hipster. I guess it’s the pocket on the front of this t-shirt. It doesn’t really hold anything since its kinda small but it’s sort of an accessory be- Great pairing of reds! Is it your signature cause it just kinda sits there…. color? As a warm-blooded male, I feel red How would you describe your style? makes me appear virile. Sort of like a mix between a guy you would see hanging out at a highway rest stop and what I would imagine that dude’s wife looks like. What’s your go-to look? Flannels are the best thing, ever. Be- Why no socks? cause sometimes you get some cool free Well they were all too dirty, and these are canvas shoes so I was like shirt, but it’s totally meant as an advertise- “whatever, man; it’s practically sandals or something”. But it’s really ment. Just because I like Scream 4 (but I cold out so I don’t even know anymore. mean, obviously nothing compares to the original classic) doesn’t mean I’m about to What’s in store for next season? suck the dicks of The Weinstein Company Socks, defi nitely. I’m gonna get one of those huge industrial size by being their walking billboard. Like today, boxes that they sell at Costco and just kind of chill on it for a while. Also I threw a nice fl annel on. Problem solved.” more pockets, too. Decorative one and practical ones. november 16, 2011 the paper page 21

by the paper thankful that the building her husband STAFF OF MILLIONS SEVERAL works in hasn’t collapsed/killed him the big list yet. Maybe that makes me a horrible The Dubstep Sluts Who Live Below What the paper person, but dammit, I’m pretty sure I Me And Bump Their Bass 24/7 could be a better husband than that by Mickie Meinhardt is NOT grateful guy, even if I can’t dance. Is it wrong for EXECUTIVE CO-EDITOR for this a 19 year old guy to dream? And let’s I have the fortune to be blessed with just be clear on something, I would to- a high tolerance for noise. I’m a heavy Thanksgiving tally take on the burden of raising Nat- sleeper and manage to snooze through alie Portman’s baby if it means mar- the 2am TriBar shouts, the 5am calls rying Natalie Portman. I’ll even take to prayer from the mosque behind my V for Vendetta shaved-head Natalie apartment, the 7am bulldozer sounds Portman, I’m that dedicated. I guess from the street sweepers, and even what Im saying is I can’t be thankful the perpetual hip-hop the Bronx com- for anything until she’s mine. So fuck munity feels absolutely must be played Group Toilets bag over it and pretend like it never you Thanksgiving. This year, tears will at full volume from every window and by Peter Lacerenza happened. I’ll agree that some of the be the gravy on my mashed potatoes. car. But there is one thing that makes STAFF DUMPY aforementioned cases are tall orders, me want to perform hari kiri on a daily As a person with some angry ten- but this approach has yielded grue- Europe basis: these god damn bitches who live dencies, I often have a plethora of some results. After three of the four toi- By Liam Lowery below me and bump their bass TWEN- things to hate on. Despite this, I can lets shared by the twenty plus guys in STAFF TY. FOUR. SEVEN. confi dently say that I am least thankful my hall had ripened for weeks, we were I am not thankful for Europe. There, Maybe being a senior means I’ve for the toilets in the communal bath- greeted with clumps of black mold, and I said it. Now everyone who’s ever developed a geriatric’s tolerance for room across the hall from my room. other pleasantries far worse than what- studied abroad is going to throw fan- “that damn rap,” because I want to At fi rst, the ever had been cy cheese at me and continue to call take a crowbar to whatever demon communal bath- there before. soccer “football.” They will continue stereo system makes my fl oor vibrate room was a new I can’t tell if to speak foreign languages in faux- constantly. Their apartment is Webster experience I it would have accents on the ram van while wist- Hall, and every night is ladies night. knew that I would been helpful fully saying that things in America “just Doesn’t matter the day or time; if any just have to get to complain, aren’t the same.” You know why Ameri- of the three whorestep residents of accustomed to. but either way, ca isn’t Europe, asshole? Because they apartment 3 are home, there is some For a while, I when it comes were tyrants. Because they were so Top 40 remix bullshit BUMPING. When can’t say it was to the toilets shitty, people were willing to jump on we place a rickety glass on our coffee that bad: aside of Goupil 213, some skuzzy, disease-ridden ships and table, it shakes. My bed feels like one from the lingering it seems like come to a frigid land to steal land from large vibrator, but not in a good way; smells and oc- we’re shit out Native Americans. TRUE FACT: between it’s even gotten to the point where I can casional puddles of luck. the arrows and the common cold, 99% make out what song is playing solely of toilet water, it of pilgrims died. I kid you not. Know from the dentist-drill-like hum driving was still manage- Natalie Port- what? Here in America, people turned away my sleep. I love a good pregame able. That man- man Isn’t On that tragic tale into: a country, a holi- playlist just as much as the next under- ageability only The Market day celebrated every year, and the six- grad, but this is total bullshit. We stomp lasted until I was I’m not grateful for your by Gibson episode hit Thanks. Here in America, on the fl oor and pull our hair and cry, faced with foot- new family, Dad Merrick people don’t run away on boats- they but they can’t hear our desperate hate ball-sized dumps STAFF BLACK run to us on boats. That’s because we cries because their hypnotic bass has enough to induce SWAN have a little something called the writ by now totally blown out all of their ear- vomit and make you laugh at the same With Thanksgiving fast approach- of habeus corpus, as well as religious drums. I hope they have fun bleeding time. I’ll admit that I was a bit unpre- ing, there’s nothing I fi nd myself less freedom and the badassery of being from the ears as they dance the night pared for that. thankful for than Natalie Portman’s the bad boy who ran out on Mother (and my sleep cycle) away. The fact that the bathroom doesn’t being married. I mean, you can only England. No one’s constitution kicks It’s been three months, and Thanks- have a garbage can means that the ignore the obstacles (10 years older, more ass than ours. So fi ne- maybe giving has just made me more aware of murky toilets are often littered with MILF, lives-on-the-other-side-of-the- things are “more laid back” and there’s how unthankful I am for my landlords Band-Aids, Q-Tips, dental fl oss, and country-and-sometimes-in-Israel) for “more art” there- but when I’m wiping lax noise policy. It’s only a matter of other unmentionables that make them so long before your obsessive stalking my ass with a French fl ag on Thanksgiv- time before I get really drunk and emp- exceedingly unusable. What’s worse becomes a little naive. Not a day goes ing, there’s no place I’d rather be than ty my bladder all over their doorstep. is that the custodial staff’s approach by where I don’t fi nd myself praying her the land of the free and the home of That’ll teach them. The god damn ec- to the more demanding cases of toi- dance choreographer husband turns the brave. stasy fucks. let abuse is to throw a black garbage out to be gay. On that note, I’m also un- page 22 the paper november 16, 2011 stronger rock sound that occasionally Los Campesinos! overthrows the danceable nature of the tracks. Some of the most original Hello Sadness tracks contain some powerful guitar Connor O’Brien riffs that soon begin to sound like The kids have fi nally grown up. The 80’s pop-rock guitar. After listening to Welsh by way of England twee-pop tracks like “Helix” and “New Lands”, band have moved past the emotional traces of Van Halen and even INXS be- setting of: “I’m really bratty! I’m going come clear. The prominent rock sound to yell about it really quickly!” with certainly is an interesting change of their 2010 release Romance is Bor- pace, and sometimes in a good way. A ing and, most recently, on their most few of the songs boom with feelings of recent LP Hello Sadness. The titles hope (“Parade”) which causes one to of the albums are microcosms of the ponder what kind of story the album is band’s new-found maturity, which telling. Sometimes the music feels like comes mostly from the band’s lead it is best suited to be the soundtrack singer Gareth. After ending a “rubbish to a retro-action movie, and other relationship” and fi nally making a con- times it sounds suspiciously similar to centrated effort to write a full-length Daft Punk. album, the band has What initially fi gured out yet another seemed to set fully recognized style to Justice apart give fanatics and new from Daft Punk listeners alike some- Movies and music have had a long relationship that has constantly was the sense of thing to love and come changed over the years. Throughout the history of cinema, some musicians realism evident back to time and time have made their living solely composing music for movies. If a movie is guaran- in their music again. teed to make over $300 million, you can bet that Beethoven rip-off artist John and videos. The Mostly everything Williams is behind the scenes. Disney made another animated movie with a dance party Jus- about this album works. predictable story arc and stock characters? Alan Menken is on the job. And if tice was throwing The instrumentation you need anything in between, and I mean literally anything, call on the only in Cross pos- has moved from featur- person with musical multiple personality disorder, Hans Zimmer (composer of sessed darker undertones and felt ing their signatures, a glockenspiel original scores for The Lion King and Inception. Seriously.) In addition, directors more like it was being thrown some- and dueling violins, from solely tools hire musicians to write songs to fi t specifi c situations in their style. Mike Nich- where in Paris or New York inn con- to move songs along and give them a ols hired Simon and Garfunkel to write “Mrs. Robinson” for The Graduate, Hal trast to Daft Punk’s cosmic rave. The distinctive fl avor to them being more Ashby recruited Cat Stevens to write for Harold and Maude, and Gene Wilder tracks on the new album feel notably seamlessly integrated with the guitar- persuaded Stevie Wonder to write the song that cast him into a spiral of shitty grandiose and therefore otherworldly bass-drum standby. On the more music, “I Just Called To Say I Love You,” for his equally mediocre movie The at times; therefore, the guitar heavy tracks (“Songs About Woman in Red. With the advent of pop culture junkie directors like the Coen new album sometimes bares a strik- Your Girlfriend,” “The Black Bird, The Brothers and Quentin Tarantino, they’ve taken the “look through my iTunes ing resemblance to the styles of their Dark Slope”), they sound like if The library and throw some shit in there” method, which works surprisingly well. fellow French duo.The instances on Replacements had the most beautiful From then on, whenever you hear those songs, you can only think of that movie. the album when Justice comes back child imaginable with Blondie. Like Ro- They’re not leaving any time soon. May as well read these reviews about music down to Earth (so to speak) are the mance is Boring, the album switches that will almost certainly be in the movies of summer 2012. ones that really stand out as triumphs its feel after about the halfway point. Justice more epic sound. (“Civilization”). Audio, Video, Disco is While the fi rst half of the album is Audio, Video, Disco The album opens with a bang that by no means a bad album; the beats more pop and even punk, the second also happens to be one of the album’s are strong and awesome, and you’ll half switches to a more introspective Will Speros best tracks, “Horsepower.” The track want to dance to every track. Justice post-punk and indie feel. This is not sets a ferocious tone for the album, deserves credit for producing these to say that the album is top heavy in When Justice fi rst came stateside but its tone vanishes pretty quickly. changes of pace, but the epic nature any sense of the word; the fi rst half of back in 2007, many of us fell in love The opener promises big things, but of the disc delivers us somewhere sort the album is what you listen to with with their refreshing sound, especially the rest of the album does not fulfi ll of unexpected, and for this reason, it your friends over your speakers while the infectious hit “D.A.N.C.E.” Their this promise. One could expect an occasionally comes off as less original you pre-game, and the second half is debut album, Cross, combined ele- advanced version of Justice’s style, in the end. what you listen to on your headphones ments of disco and electro-pop/rock but it ends up being something else if you’re staying in for the night. I’m and whipped them into a frenzy and entirely. The music on Cross brought not sure who graced Gareth with the result was a sensational (and about visuals of an urban midnight his amazing knack for lyrics, but we occasionally ominous) eargasm. The rave with moods of paranoia and eu- should all be glad that they did so. super-cool fl are which embodied in phoria all tossed into the mix. When I challenge you to fi nd another lead Justice’s debut is still rather evident in juxtaposing the two discs, this new singer of this kind of band who writes their latest album, Audio, Video, Disco; one sounds more like a grand-scale lyrics like “But here it comes, this is however, the elements that blended uprising at dawn than a sleazy late- the crux, she vomits down my rental perfectly on Cross have been kicked night dance party. Surprising things tux” and “It’s only hope that spring’s up a notch or two, making for a far turn up in this album, especially a eternal, and that’s the reason why this november 16, 2011 the paper page 23 dripping from my broken heart is never Real Estate has managed to produce come from the suburbs, I can attest roots and its further expansion on running dry.” I’ll wait. Found one yet? something that is fresh and mesmer- to the humdrum beauty that lies in previous albums is its most redeeming No? That’s because he doesn’t exist. izing while maintaining a genuine the heart of Days. While the album’s quality. With that being said, Real In the same way Weezer was the sound. content seems to struggle to come to Estate has really honed its craft, and fi rst band people that people usually With it’s warm, mellow sound, it grips with reality, it speaks volumes on has produced a new classic sure to ushered in their adolescence with is almost a shame that Days was not the surreal suburban ideal. follow up with expectations. in the late 90s and early 00s, Los released this summer when it could While the album is defi nitely not Campesinos! was that band for me. I be properly accompanied by a mid- trying to push the boundaries of have literally grown up with the band. day windows-down drive. Starting with musical expression, it is incredibly As my emotional the song, “Easy”, consistent and strong, and a deep and experiences and the band sets a refl ective portrait of the mundane. So musical tastes have standard and tone many bands wind up biting off more expanded, so have celebrating the care- than they can chew, but for Real Es- they. At times, I less and nonchalant tate, modesty bodes extremely well. In feel like the drunk- with lines like “I was essence, the bands dedication to its est girl at the party just fl oating/On an when a Chris Brown inner tube in the song comes on the sun”, and “Around Right, from that one movie... stereo: “This song is the fi elds we grow/ Fargo ruined wood-chippers, Requiem for a Dream ruined heroin, and about me!” They out- With love for every- The Room ruined taking cinema seriously, but it takes a talented director pace Weezer in this one.” It is with an to ruin music. The contexts they put them in can be pleasant, horrifying, or respect: while some incredible consis- just god damn annoying, but whatever it is, people have made a job out of bands’ sounds stay stagnant, LC! tency that the album progresses, as if this. These are some of the songs that most people cannot hear without Grows, and Hello Sadness is a perfect every song serves as a snapshot of a saying: “Right, from that one movie…” example. They pour their hearts into greater, ethereal whole. every song, from the bouncy and infec- This vintage sound is continued in tious “By Your Hand,” to heartbreak- “Kinder Blumen”. The song, its title “Stuck in the Middle with You” by Stealer’s Wheel – Reservoir Dogs ing “To Tundra.” Los Campesinos! are meaning “Flower Children” in Ger- Quentin Tarantino has a knack for changing the meaning of everything musicians in the best sense of the man, is respectively reminiscent of the you’ve ever held dear to you, and this piece of bubble-gum pop is the ex- word that, no matter how hard you 1960s with its interweaving instru- ample most people cite. Initially written to lampoon record executives and may try, will not leave your head for a mentals, and overall dreamy feel. The Bob Dylan’s voice and lyricism, this song will now be forever associated long time. progression of the song is seemingly with Michael Madsen torturing a cop and (brace yourself) cutting off his simple, but is by no means basic. It ear with a straight razor. is by far one of the most memorable, and strongest, melodies within the “Tiny Dancer” by Elton John – Almost Famous album without the aid of vocals. While Imagine the scenario: everyone in your mid-level bands hates each oth- it has been said that the track could er’s guts, your egotistical lead singer just showed up after going missing have been the album’s strongest with for two and a half days, and you all have to ride the bus with a kid reporter vocals, it doesn’t even need them. and a glorifi ed groupie to your next venue as if nothing happened. How The fourth track, “It’s Real”, is is this going to happen? Elton John is gonna make it happen, that’s how. destined to become the album’s most One by one, everyone starts to sing along. The song serves as the device recognizable. With its continuance of to push along one of the most important plot points of the movie, and who Real Estate the easy going aesthetic, the memo- doesn’t want to be in that bus? Camaraderie at its fi nest. rable chorus and lyrical simplicity, the Days song is incredibly catchy and likely to “In Dreams” by Roy Orbison – Blue Velvet Peter Lacerenza procure some sing-a-longs. Going right back to the severely messed up, David Lynch’s specialty, Other tracks like “Wonder Years” Roy Orbison was very upset with the way the song was presented in argu- and “Municipality” build upon this on- ably the director’s magnum opus, Blue Velvet. After being abducted and going theme of days gone by with a lo- seeing a woman being raped by an amyl nitrate inhaling guy named, he is With their fi , increasingly instrument heavy aes- taken to a shoddy apartment where a fl amboyant man lip-synchs the song new album, Days, thetic. One of my which, in turn, makes everyone but Frank really fucking creeped out. Partly the Brooklyn-via- personal favorites, because of its soothing effects on a crazy person and partly because it’s Ridgewood, NJ- “Green Aisles” sung by a mentally disturbed version of late 70s Elvis, I try to listen to it as based band, Real perhaps refer- little as possible. Estate, is certainly ences the bands deserving of the suburban roots “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” by Frankie Valli – 10 Things I Hate recent hype it has with lines like “All About You received on music those aimless In maybe the corniest gesture made by anyone ever, Heath Ledger blogs and the like. drives/Through busts into this number to impress Julia Styles, who’s having soccer prac- While their sound green aisles/ tice, with help from the school’s marching band. This may be the only ex- is not entirely Our careless life ample of the Four Seasons and William Shakespeare (the movie is loosely original to the Indie style/It was not so based on the plot of The Taming of the Shrew) existing. Rock spectrum, unwise.” Having page 24 the paper november 16, 2011