HARRY POTTER and the HALF-HEARTED COMPARISON

T H E R A D L E Y C O L L E G E CHRONICLE

Vol. II No. 1 4 October 2005 HARRY POTTER and the HALF-HEARTED COMPARISON We are the chosen generation: a holy nation, a royal only we, can look at them as lovingly and objectively childhood… OK, that’s enough paraphrasing of St as such. Peter, but it’s true: no other year group will have They were nervous about starting at a new school, grown up with – in the sense of ‘alongside’ – the making friends and dealing with an array of bizarre teenage wizards Harry, Ron and Hermione exactly as teachers. We’ve been there too. They coped with the fast as they have grown up with us. They are, for most drive for popularity in the year group and the forming of us, a small but inextricable part of our adolescence. of friendship… Remember the complex ecosystems of In our Muggle world we have had to wait another year Social Hall? They made their mistakes, were put in for each instalment of the story, and since JK Rowling detention, earnt distinctions (sorry, ‘house points’), has planned each novel to chronicle a year’s worth of broke bounds, scurried around the castle corridors goings-on in our heroes’ school careers, they are illicitly at night, although there is little mention of the ageing at the same rate as us. classic teenage temptations of drinking and smoking. This Harry Potter experience has been a communal Some of the settings read almost as if JK Rowling one. We have read the books together, debated came to Radley seven or eight years ago to observe together what will happen next, shared the good bits and take notes from beneath an invisibility cloak. Then with fellow aficionados, and spoilt the surprises for again, probably every public school sees something of those who haven’t read them yet. No other generation, themselves in Hogwarts, and Hogwarts has freely not even those a year or two either side, has had quite borrowed from many of them. There is also a clear this experience, nor will anyone ever again. debt to the canon of public school stories, from Stalky In the future a precocious ten year old could read the & Co. to Bunter to Enid Blyton’s Mallory Towers. whole set in a rainy fortnight, but probably would not Gryffindor House is F Social, and Slytherin is G (or, at be able to relate to the adolescent bits; it is also least, they share the same house colours); they are possible that a ‘Potter virgin’ could bitter adversaries. Hogwarts as a resist the temptation to read them ‘Quidditch practice most whole seems just as competitive as until 17, but he or she would then Radley – inter-house challenges at find the first few a little childish. afternoons – ‘muscular every turn, not to mention their Who will have the patience or the wizardry’, I suppose termly version of the Smale Casket opportunity to discover the books for accumulated house points. One one by one, in real time, in the right they would call it…’ might imagine that with our new order and at exactly the right age, in coloured gown ‘idents’ that it’s the way that we have been able to, simply through the probably the Sub-Warden who now has Radley’s own accident of being born at the right time, round about Marauder’s Map, tuning into radio signals from the 1988? tiny microchips sewn under the fabric. Indeed, it will have taken a very determined and As for the ‘professors’, each of you can relate to his reclusive Radleian to have avoided reading, watching own stern McGonagall, absent-minded Trelawney or or hearing about the adventures of Harry Potter at sarcastic Snape among the dons. To keep up the Hogwarts. They have been our ink-and-paper, comparisons, Hogsmeade, the village beyond the adolescent, magical brothers and sisters, and we, but castle grounds and source of ‘butterbeer’ and

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• Opinion Poll  page 3 • ‘No Ordinary Place?’  page 4 • ‘Michaelmas Blues’  page 5 • Romania 2005  page 11 • ‘A Tutor’s Diary, Part III’  page 14 • Correspondence  page 15 • Sport  page 17 and much more… 4 October 2005 THE RADLEY COLLEGE CHRONICLE afternoons out, corresponds loosely to Oxford. brick, mock-gothic English campus. Look up in their Permission to leave campus – theirs and ours – Hall and you will see the sky; our Hall has a roof. depends, of course, on good behaviour. Their food magically appears on the table at the start Much of the delight of the books rests on of each meal, ours is obtained through a rather smart new cafeteria system; their letters are delivered by understanding and admiring the magical variants on owls… I could go on, but there does not see much of real life, and there is subtle humour, extraordinary substance that separates the institutional lives of the imagination and consistency in that self-referential young wizards there and the young stockbrokers here. parallel world. But for we who live in a traditional public school, the similarities of everyday life extend They don’t study ‘Potions’ and ‘Defence of the Dark much further – right into the castle, classrooms and Arts’ just for fun, though. The academic focus of dorms of Hogwarts. ‘But sir, it’s the [Quidditch] Hogwarts is on OWLs (Ordinary Wizarding Levels) – match tomorrow,’ Harry says to Professor Snape as he a broad base of nine or ten subjects – then NEWTs is set an impossibly long essay on werewolves. Does (Nastily Exhausting Wizarding Tests), in which four this ring any bells? subjects are studied (unless you are as keen as Hermione, who gets caught using a ‘time-turning’ Quidditch occupies the same emotional and physical spell to attend two lessons at once). If only we had centrality to Hogwarts as rugby does to Radley. There seem to be practices most afternoons in that healthy such a convenient way round those option column clashes… mens sana public school way – muscular wizardry, I suppose they would call it – and the all-important Hogwarts does not, however, seem to be as obsessed game on Saturday. Only inter-house matches are with qualifications and league table positions as we played at Hogwarts, but International Quidditch has a are, perhaps because it caters for a rather special niche similar effect to the Six Nations in February. in the market, or because, on the extra-curricular side, Just like the situation at Radley, Harry and his friends have to save ‘not much separates the the world and defend themselves security at Hogwarts has become from the evil Lord Voldemort. an issue to watch, increasingly institutional lives of the over the last six years. In the most young wizards there and the Hogwarts is a secular school, recent book, an esoteric loophole although clearly not at all in the castle’s defences is young stockbrokers here’ aspiritual since the ghosts of exploited by Draco Malfoy so that he can spirit in the Harry’s parents are occasionally seen and the many Death Eaters (they are the bad guys, funnily enough). resident ghosts of the castle are ever present. Harry’s If we are well on the way to fingerprint readers and occasional and intense awareness of his parents, the retinal scans at the doors into socials (you heard it here presence of evil, and ‘an other’ being is spiritual, even first), then what will JK come up with for Hogwarts in though interpreted in terms of an ability to find those book seven, as the dark forces strengthen and the who loved him inside himself at times of stress. We, danger peaks? Pin codes for the Fat Lady? A wand however, are a Christian school that places good reader? An aura scanner? character above all things. The Warden’s letter to prospective parents in the prospectus starts with a We could interpret the increasingly dark tone to the Kenyan prayer: ‘From the cowardice that dare not face series as a reflection of our paranoid times. In The Half-Blood Prince the students have to pass through new truth, From the laziness that is contented with half truth, From the arrogance that thinks it knows all truth, sensors on their way into and out of Hogwarts. A Good Lord deliver me’. If you omit the final four curfew is enforced at the school and some kind of invasive search reference – that Rowling rather words, this seems totally in harmony both with Headmaster Dumbledore’s advice and Harry’s cleverly calls a ‘Probity Probe’ – is mentioned. There emerging personal creed. is even a minor character named Shunpike, last seen on the Knight Bus a few volumes ago, who, in being What started out a half-hearted and tongue-in-cheek locked up without fair trial by the Ministry of Magic, comparison has nevertheless unearthed, firstly, some has become a martyr to Guantanamo Bay-style parallels that show the Harry Potter books’ grounding preventive detention. in public school life, real and fictional, and, secondly, some specific shared ground between Radley and But how is Hogwarts clearly different from Radley? Hogwarts ‘School of Witchcraft and Wizardry’. Now, Well, there are girls, for a start, and in books five and I haven’t got the UCAS book of courses to hand, but six this co-education starts to impact romantically on does anyone know a reputable Bachelor of Magic our heroes (and some episodes of teenage love-angst course in Harry Potter Studies? are acutely observed). Then the location: they are running around a huge, granite, terribly Scottish castle, [A full review of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood whereas we are spread over a green and pleasant red- Prince will appear in the next issue.] 2 THE RADLEY COLLEGE CHRONICLE 4 October 2005 A POLL ON SECURITY absolute, and one of those responding wanted the thieves to be ‘poked in the eye with a fondue stick In light of the recent trickle of thefts, amidst fears of a until aqueous humour trickled down their sinful faces.’ Great Train Robbery-like big ‘un, and concerned calls Theft in a social is a cancer attacking the heart of it, from Lloyds of London about spiralling insurance destroying trust between boys and precipitating claims, the Chronicle has conducted a poll to discover unpleasant measures, interrogations and traps from the the true scale of the security problem in socials, and management. It has always been somewhat of a low- what to do about these bandits if we catch them… level problem at Radley, according to ORs, and cannot Have you ever had money stolen from your room? be solved overnight. We at the Chronicle certainly do not know the solution, or claim to have any better Yes: 24%, No: 76% ideas than those currently being put into practice. But Have you ever had an item of clothing stolen from we mourn the loss of trust that each thieving incident your room? causes and the ugly modern prophylactics of cameras, Yes: 46%, No: 54% keypads and the presence of Big Brother on our campus. What to do, if anything: a tough decision, but Have you ever had a phone, laptop or iPod stolen from then again that’s why we are not on the Senior your room? Management Team. And we thank the Lord every day Yes: 6%, No: 94% for that. Do you lock your room? The Chronicle aims to publish an opinion poll every Yes: 14%, No: 70%, Undecided: 16% issue. The size of the sample interviewed is usually 50. If any readers have suggestions of topics or questions Should Socials have keypads for entry? to include in future polls, please let us know at Yes: 8%, No: 58%, Undecided: 34% [email protected]. Should boys be expelled when caught stealing? Yes: 82%, No: 6%, Undecided: 12% Should the police be called in after each theft? OVERHEARD… Yes: 40%, No: 48%, Undecided: 12% An occasional column devoted to quotes from around Do you agree with the introduction of a ‘Proctor’? College. Yes: 20%, No: 62%, Undecided: 18% Do you own a balaclava? Overheard in the English department: Yes: 38%, No: 60%, Undecided: 2% ‘Radley College kitchens are overrun by wild pigs.’ Do you think there should be more CCTV cameras? ‘We’re all going round the Cape of Good Horn... the Yes: 16%, No: 70%, Undecided: 14% Cape of Horn?’ ‘If I stripped naked and urinated on a tree, I’d get into Should every room in college have a safe? trouble. Why can dogs get away with it?’ Yes: 68%, No: 12%, Undecided: 20% ‘I hope I made myself clear, and that’s a rhetorical Do you believe the threat of theft to be more from question.’ outside than inside the college? ‘When I went up to Cambridge, as a scholar, I thought Yes: 36%, No: 62%, Undecided: 2% everybody would be much cleverer than me. This Do you have sufficient weaponry in your room to wasn’t the case.’ tackle an intruder? ‘The labrador is named after a region in Germany.’ Yes: 52%, No: 40%, Undecided: 8% Do you keep your money in your ‘Social Bank’? Overheard in a History lesson: Yes: 26%, No: 74% Don: ‘How did the Gulf war start?’ Are you happy with security in general at Radley? Boy: ‘Simple sir, Nasser Hussein invaded the Suez Canal.’ Yes: 52%, No: 32%, Undecided: 16%

It appears that Radleians would prefer for these Please send us (printable) quotes for the next matters to be dealt with inside our borders, but that the ‘Overheard…’. consequences for brigands that are caught should be 3 4 October 2005 THE RADLEY COLLEGE CHRONICLE NO ORDINARY PLACE?

Radley was founded to be different. This might not be Lords); the ornate columns either side of the main immediately obvious today: so many of the traditions entrance to Chapel; the reredos itself; paintings (some and habits of the school are similar to those of other of which, sadly, languish unhung); and even a lavishly institutions, from the wearing of gowns, calling illustrated early 16th-century Flemish manuscript of teachers ‘dons’, the layout and style of the Hall and plainchant, which shamefully remains at Sotheby’s, Chapel, all shamelessly copied from the older Oxford where a previous Warden hoped to sell it on the quiet: colleges, to the naming of things – for example perhaps it is time it came home. ‘Shells’ from Westminster, ‘Removes’ from Harrow, The natural environment was also one of the reasons ‘Bigside’ from Rugby, ‘socials’ from Winchester – and the games and sports we play (Radley fives, our for Sewell’s choice of Radley Hall as the home for his new school. While it was convenient for Oxford and one original game played around the Clocktower died for Abingdon, then the county town of Berkshire, it out long ago); Radley, however, was not supposed to be just like the schools that went before it. was still truly rural, its population almost entirely involved in farming. The views across to Nuneham So what did the Rev William Sewell have in mind, as House were unobstructed by pylons; there was no he planned his new school in the 1840s, that would ‘Rad-ville’ in those days, only Lower Radley towards make Radley a different kind of establishment? the river, and the few houses and farms by the church. Essentially, this came down to two things: religion, Abingdon lay two miles away across fields; the bypass and aesthetics. The Chronicle has discussed the issue was a distant nightmare; and Kennington was a tiny of Chapel before (Vol. I, no. 2) – suffice only to point hamlet of half a dozen houses and a church. The oldest out that Radley today is a godless society compared to building in college, as our quiz last term asked you, is its 19th century self, when Chapel was a twice-daily ‘The Cottage’ down by the Sports Hall. which phenomenon (the choir sang anthems and psalms at originally stood outside the walled gardens of Radley every service), and when the College fasted twice a Hall, a reminder of its Elizabethan past. week, in accordance with the Book of Common Radley is hardly alone in suffering from the Prayer. encroachment of built-up areas, and we should not But Sewell also believed that if you allowed boys to forget that the sale of College land for the building of grow up in beautiful surroundings, they would be the Peachcroft estate may have saved Radley from the influenced for the better. Even now, despite the brink of financial ruin in the 1970s. But should we not depredations of time and rapacious Bursars, there are work to preserve what is left? Planning rules mean that some beautiful works of art and furniture left, of which we cannot build outside the College perimeter, but the reredos in Chapel is perhaps the most should we not think twice before we ruin what is left extraordinary (see article on page 7). Sewell and inside? Does the school need to be bigger? Is there not Singleton (the first Warden) frequented the sale rooms a point at which we might say, enough is enough; in London, where they bought up all kinds of things: there is precious little green space left inside the the panelling which is now in the Mansion and the grounds; let us do what we do as well as we can, and Library (said to have been rescued from the House of preserve what is left of the Founder’s legacy?

4 THE RADLEY COLLEGE CHRONICLE 4 October 2005 MICHAELMAS BLUES

This awful term is upon us again. It is the longest, sporting a sling or hopping about on crutches. Even darkest and most demanding of the three, but for many the superficially healthy can show off their support the favourite: Michaelmas means rugby. bandages when pressed. Tales circulate of the Bigside player who is off for the rest of the season, the actor Saturday afternoon is the zenith of the week. The night who breaks a leg a week before the opening night, and before, posters mysteriously appear along Covered Passage: a numerical comic strip exhorting all and the musician with his wrist in plaster for the next six weeks. This is no fun for anybody, and certainly not sundry to turn up and watch whichever school whose the injured man’s team, who quite understandably feel turn it is to get bashed, get bashed. Heroic posters of the individual players are displayed in order to inspire let down: their perfect lineout manoeuvre has been ruined, and new moves have to be learnt. the younger years. ‘Will ---- Score Again?’ asks one. ‘Come and See His Tackle,’ another teases. Above the Potentially more damaging is the cumulative effect of arch outside Hall ‘Bigside, 2:45’ is plastered in the a very physical game: bashes and bruises four days a largest letters the school printers can manage, just in week, means that by November, any self-respecting case anyone had forgotten. There is, in rugby player is completely shattered. short, a feeling of pent-up excitement. He walks along like a zombie – if he doesn’t, he hasn’t been trying hard Saturday, 2:40. The players have spent enough. November is academically an a morning psyching themselves up for important month for the Upper Sixth: the ‘Big Match’ (every match is a ‘Big over a third have an Oxbridge interview Match’) – even Midgets 6 engage in a to prepare for, while for the rest there is bit of aggression-inducing banter after the challenge of possibly the most lunch. Some have been unable to sleep for days. Rows of German green and demanding term of new material they will face at school. silver-coloured cars line up as parents arrive to watch their offspring run There is the time issue: some keener around. On Bigside, crowds have long teams regularly train until 6.30pm or formed, cheering and measuring up the teams as they later. Prep doesn’t really happen, because even when jog the warm-up lap. The combatants grunt and try to you do manage to fit in a shower, Chapel, and bowl of look menacing; their sheer size is impressive, while pasta in any order, you are physically drained after two padded body armour gives the impression of medieval hours’ training. Anecdotal evidence suggests that knights heading in to battle. some candidates may fail to shine in the Oxbridge By five it’s all over. The wellington brigade have gone interviews because they are simply too tired, or still in pain from the Wellington match two weeks before. home; the losers have taken it stoically and are punishing themselves with cold showers; the victors Then, of course, there is the exaggerated importance are in some kind of heaven. One can sense the glee attached to the skill of throwing and catching a with which they stump up the stairs in their Socials, peculiarly-shaped ball. In the Shells rugby prowess is scattering mud everywhere like Michael Schumacher a strong factor in governing who is immediately sprays champagne. It’s made their week. Radleian popular and who is not; personality or depth of spectators are trying to thaw their fingers under a hot character come into it much more slowly. And we tap, but the pain does not matter: they, too, are elated. should note that year-group hierarchies take definite, Through their support, cheering ‘Thunder, Radley!’ or and fairly rigid, form in the first term of the Shells. the like just before an opposition conversion (there Unlike squash ladders, you can only work your way up was one chant, now passed into them slowly. The message given out: schoolboy legend, at an away match ‘by Leave Away if you want to be popular, be good at almost exactly five years ago, led by rugby; if you are not good at rugby, an enthusiastic if confused Shell boy: Radley is like a then devote your next few years to ‘Give me an ‘R’…‘A’…‘D’…‘L’… convalescence home’ being so. It is, you must admit, a crude ‘E’ – what do you get?’), they have and unhelpful philosophy. contributed something to the great success of the day. What happens to those at Radley who are not good at Butterfly-style spectators have the best deal: if the rugby? Some let other talents drop and work at it. team they’re watching is about to lose, they go off and They spend their time throwing balls at each other. find one that is about to win. They read the sports pages avidly and develop a huge By Leave Away Radley has become a little like a loyalty to Wasps. They may get up in the morning and convalescence home: a large minority seem to be run round the fields in a bid to make the fourth’s 5 4 October 2005 THE RADLEY COLLEGE CHRONICLE squad. Rugby is the beginning and end of their PROGRESS REPORT ON THE character. Others, who have neither the mentality nor the inclination for such activities, will drop out and NEW PAVILION AND THEATRE work on their other interests; they are regarded as dangerous subversives. The mild stigma attached to The Pavilion changing rooms were completed just in those on Toast fades, but slowly. People look at them time to allow them to be used by the Sherborne incredulously for preferring Oxford to the Bigside visiting rugby teams on September 17th, but it was a match, or not being able to hold their own in an in- week later that the first floor was opened to visiting depth analysis of the Lions’ season. So are we taking parents. A few defects remain for the contractors to rugby all too seriously? resolve, but the building is now effectively complete. I think we are. There are so many other things to do at Radley. Of course we should be ‘Remember, proud of our magnificent fields, sky-scraping posts and ‘most it’s only a extensive area of mown grass in game’ the country’. I have absolutely nothing against those who are good at rugby taking it seriously and developing their skills, and it is a very good thing that we support them and their talent is appreciated. Yet I am less of a fan of the importance attached to rugby as a ‘one-size-fits- all’ activity: we should accept that there are those for whom rugby does not hold much of an interest. After all, as our poll last term (Vol. I, no. 1) discovered, 51% of us ‘are not interested’ whether the 1st XV win: artist’s impression of the Theatre courtyard it seems inconsistent that there appears to be, on match days at least, an oppressive atmosphere that polarises The Theatre should have been completed in early the whole of college: effectively, ‘you’re out there August but this is now unlikely to happen before the watching us, or you’re against us’. Next time you are end of October. The building will be handed over in out there on a Saturday afternoon, remember: it’s only stages as each section is completed. The auditorium a game. has all seats installed and stage fittings in place, and will be the first area to be completed sometime next Correspondence is welcomed on this or any other week (thereby allowing rehearsals to start there) topic – please send to [email protected], or followed by the back stage space and the corridor link write to: The Radley College Chronicle, Radley to the David Rae Smith Building. This latter link College, Abingdon, Oxon. OX14 2HR should be welcomed by the residents of Orchard House since it will provide them with a direct access to the David Rae Smith building and, in due course, the Theatre and Music School. The main foyer and external features are likely to be the last areas to be completed, with the engraved paviours being complete by the first week in November. The car park remodelling, being carried out by a different contractor, has been delayed by the Theatre works, but should be complete within the next two weeks. Accordingly we can look forward to the area around the Theatre ceasing to be a building site by the end of October, with all works being completed well in advance of the opening performance of the College Play, ‘The School for Scandal’ on November 22. RPLB artist’s impression of the Theatre auditorium

6 THE RADLEY COLLEGE CHRONICLE 4 October 2005 EAST END DEVELOPMENT PHILOSOPHY IN ACTION MONDAY 26 SEPTEMBER All eyes are, from time to time, directed towards the east end of Chapel, but how many have noticed that The Philosophy Society meeting last Monday did not most of the orange curtain covering the east wall was occur. Or did it? If a Philosophy Society meeting does taken down for cleaning last term, after over thirty or does not occur in a sealed room when no-one is years in situ? It turned out to be so dirty and riddled around, how are we to know if it exists or not? This is with mouse holes that repair was impossible, and, clearly a situation worthy of the consideration of the while it has been down – although the section in the society itself, were it to exist. middle remains for the time being – many have commented on the improved appearance, but another As far as the non-philosophically-inclined members of benefit is that the acoustic has improved, lengthening college are concerned, just as Schrödinger described by perhaps half a second or so. the possible death or survival of his cat (these days the RSPCA would be on to him like a shot), the meeting The reredos (actually a ‘retable’ since it is supposed to may well have taken place. Perhaps a meeting in some stand away from the wall) is a wonderful example of sense did take place simply because a majority of 16th century Flemish craftsmanship, and the most college believed it was going to (it was in the valuable item the college owns. Our new chapel, by calendar): a classic practical example of cogito ergo Sir Thomas Jackson in the early 1890s, was designed sum. However, if the door to the Singleton Library had specifically to incorporate this altarpiece, and so the been opened half-way through the alleged non- east window is unusually high and small. Beneath this meeting, anyone inside might have vanished in a window to either side are small arches continuing the Schrödinger-like instant, and then we would not be pattern of the arcade, but in the middle, never having any the wiser. Luckily, then, the door remained shut, been exposed to view before, is a large gothic archway and a superposition of the two possible situations with unfinished brickwork and detailing. The existed for the duration of the alleged meeting, proposals approved by College and Council, currently although nothing much could be heard through the under scrutiny by diocesan and planning authorities, keyhole. include lining the central arch with five stone cusps, and finishing the brickwork to match the rest of the chapel interior. A partly-new base for the retable will be constructed, with two ‘colonnettes’ bearing most of the weight, and lifting it into a more prominent position, so that this beautiful artefact is once more the focus of the east end of Chapel, as it should be.

artist’s impression of Occam’s razor in the 21st century

On the other hand, this presupposes some implausible assumptions and assumes a number of unlikely presuppositions; an epistemological approach may, in any case, be construed by some as trivial. The society – when it exists, if ever – should not be drawn into this deontological whining; any introduction of Occam’s Razor here would be trumped by a philosopher’s stone. And there’s no point bringing out a paper after that’s happened. No, such an argument is quashed when one points out that the above formulation is not to be found anywhere in Occam’s phenomenally logorrhoeic oeuvre. In toto, therefore, no harm would be done if Nietzsche’s doctrine of eternal recurrence can be believed, for the meeting will, of course, happen again. And I, for one, will be there. ‘SOCRATES’

7 4 October 2005 THE RADLEY COLLEGE CHRONICLE A VERY PERSONAL “Children trust me. STATEMENT “I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby- In this season of UCAS forms and their excruciating Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had finale, the ‘personal statement’, we at the Chronicle time to refurbish my entire dining room that evening. I thought it would be charitable to offer our poor know the exact location of every food item in the stressed-out 6.2s some guidance in this subtle exercise supermarket. I have performed covert operations for of self-promotion. Ignore those cynics who say that the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep the admissions tutors who wade through this tripe are upright in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I not concerned with all your minor achievements – successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who being third equal in the inter-social chess tournament had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not two years running and house prefect with special apply to me. responsibility for fire escapes is impressive stuff. Buff “I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are up your week spent llama-weaning in Shropshire and all paid off. On weekends, to let off steam, I your day’s work experience at the Abingdon Herald, participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I where you ‘helped compile the marriage discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it announcements column’. Put it all down, that’s what down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals we say – it can’t hurt, can it? Just as long as you don’t using only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize- exaggerate too much... winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling The following personal statement was submitted to bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have New York University on the equivalent of their UCAS performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with form, asking for details of ‘any significant experiences Elvis. you have had, or accomplishments you have realised, that have helped to define you as a person’. “But I have not yet gone to college.”

“I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally I tread water for three days in a row. “I woo women with my sensuous and god-like trombone playing; I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook ‘Thirty- Minute Brownies’ in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. “Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello; I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I HERE AND THERE repair electrical appliances free of charge. An occasional column of college and OR news. “I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics swoon over my original line of Congratulations to John & Heather Sparks on the birth corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private of Oliver Harry John on 1 February, Roger & Simona citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller Shaw on the birth of James Stephan on 7 August, Iain number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last Campbell & Sam Pullen-Campbell on the birth of Iona summer I toured New Jersey with a travelling Rose on 20 August, and Niall & Ros Murphy on the centrifugal force demonstration. I run 100m in 9.65 birth of Niamh Susan on 24 August. seconds. My deft floral arrangements have earned me Congratulations also to RMJ and AJTH on their recent international fame. engagements. 8 THE RADLEY COLLEGE CHRONICLE 4 October 2005 NEW DONS KH Keith Halliday comes to us from Shiplake College The Chronicle would like to welcome eleven new where he was Head of Chemistry. He studied members of Common Room and their families to Chemical Engineering at Nottingham and gained his Radley, and introduce them with short profiles in this PhD at Cambridge. Shiplake College was his first issue and the next. teaching appointment having spent the majority of his career in industry. He was Deputy Head of Research JDA and Development at Bookham Technology and prior James Alexander studied Physics and Philosophy at to that worked for Esso for 15 years in the UK and Brasenose and graduated this summer. There he USA. He is married to Sue and has three children. helped to run the university wine society, spent time on the river and golf course and frequented many of JFA Oxford’s better restaurants. He is engaged to George and at Radley is keen to indulge his interests in sport, John Adams is fresh out of Oxford University with a wine and philosophy as well as teaching Mathematics. degree in Modern Languages and many an hour spent on the River Thames. He is a keen Christian, is married to Emily, enjoys sport and wishes he was TDM good at music. At Radley he will specialise in the four Tim Mullins is the new Chaplain, and the first ever at Rs: Religion, Russian, Rowing and Regular Spanish Radley to be married. His wife, Lucy, is a nurse who conversation classes. also bakes delicious chocolate brownies and a great banoffee pie. For the last ten years Tim has been Chaplain at Eton College, where he taught Divinity NEW NOISE CONCERT and coached squash, hockey and tennis. Before Eton THURSDAY 22 SEPTEMBER he was a vicar in Darlington, where he and Lucy started up a church on a new housing estate, and prior On entering the Silk Hall I heard sounds that were to ordination he was a social worker helping to thankfully new to me: the noise of the Shell year all rehabilitate prisoners on their release from jail. shouting and screaming, and I hoped that the ‘New Noise’ brought to us by the artists was to be much Tim and Lucy have three children – Kate, Simon and more pleasant. I overheard a don quoting the Kaiser Nick – and a black lab called Hunter who has sat Chiefs’ song ‘I predict a riot,’ followed promptly by through so many RS lessons by now that he could get Mr Williams’ entry into the hall and then silence. He into Oxford. introduced the duo as one of the foremost contemporary music groups in Britain, and then before LAKH the Shells had the chance to shut up, a fast jazz Lee-Anne Hampson comes to Radley as Artist-in- number called ‘Blues for DD’ started. The imperious residence from the academic hot-house that is Fort Pitt drumming and raging jazz runs on the oboe captivated Grammar School in Kent, where she nevertheless the audience. After many different moods had been indulged herself in the fine arts of dressing up and expressed with a wide variety of pieces, including a disco dancing. Before that, she overcame the handicap strident Caledonian piece that would please any keen of being blonde to graduate with a first class degree in bagpiper, it was time for a mandatory dose of Joby Textile Art from the Winchester School of Art. She is Burgess’s berimbau playing. A berimbau is an odd very excited to be at Radley, and is already looking instrument, played with a stick and a stone, establishing herself as a fire-dancing, free-thinking and makes a hypnotic twang – if there is such a thing – rebel who has a different hair-do for each day of the enhanced by the sound engineering work of Matt week. Lee-Anne’s bouncy personality is Fairclough. The concert ended with the ‘Fly’. This was complemented by her desire to introduce trampolining a Kafka-esque piece inspired by a film about a man’s as a major sport in the summer term. metamorphosis to a fly. A truly haunting piece that portrayed the likely mental and physical anguish: it made a huge impact on my mind, although I wonder AKMS what the Shells made of it. The musical items were Alex Saunders joins Radley from The Lady Eleanor interspersed with the artists’ thoughts and reassurances Holles School in Hampton, where she taught English, for the audience: that it was supposed to sound odd. coached debating and was (occasionally) seen on the The concert was enjoyable, and the expressive passion river in a launch attempting to coach rowing. Educated at Hereford Cathedral School and Brasenose, Oxford, of the performers would have impressed anyone who heard them. Alex very nearly became a solicitor with Osborne Clarke before being sensibly diverted into teaching. ARTHUR SAWBRIDGE (E) 9 4 October 2005 THE RADLEY COLLEGE CHRONICLE ‘THE BIOLOGY OF SEX’ A NEW COLLEGE NEWSPAPER MONDAY 19 SEPTEMBER In this, the first issue of a new academic year, we The origin of this year’s series of Perplexed talks can reprint the introduction to Vol I, no. 1 for those readers be traced back to last year, at the final talk of the series who have missed the first four issues. of three on wine and alcohol. RAK: This course of Chemistry/Physics/Biology This is a new venture but consciously designed to be lectures on the same subject works rather well, and we in the same spirit and format as the original monthly should continue it next year. Has anyone got any Radleian that was published from about 1850 suggestions for a topic? onwards. Since the Radleian has since meta- morphosed into an annual magazine, and the titles SAT: Sex! ‘newspaper’ or ‘journal’ do not seem to fit the bill, we A joke, or so we thought at the time. The shock and have settled on ‘chronicle’, which, according to the dismay which came over me the moment I opened that Concise Oxford English Dictionary is, ‘a detailed and email displaying ‘The Biology of Sex’ in large letters, continuous record of events in order of time; a his- complete with pictures of copulating animals and the torical record [...] frequently in titles of newspapers’. promise of being ‘complete with live action footage, The Radley College Chronicle is intended to be demonstration and simulation’ was unparalleled. I am published every three weeks during term as a journal then asked to write an article for the Chronicle on it recording and reporting on events of interest at Radley which involves me having to take sit there and take and providing a forum for comment, debate and the notes. In a talk on sex. I looked like a complete expression of individual opinion within the school. muppet. The backbone of the lecture, presented ably by PMF, was sexual selection, and an opportunity for some great phrases and one-liners which sent much of the audience into hysterics. The various mechanisms used by animals to fertilise the females was described in full, non-euphemistic detail: the description of the ‘inflatable penis’ was met with the shout of ‘that’s a talent!’ and vivid descriptions of ‘kamikaze sperm’ and homosexual mechanisms used to deter other males from mating saw the SLT explode with laughter. This round crest., printed in our header, is taken from We were also shown various adverts which proved the a sketch by Sir Thomas Jackson, the architect who adage ‘sex sells’. These were often hilarious: a designed Chapel, Hall and H Social as well as gardening centre advert featuring a scantily clad distinguished buildings in Oxford and elsewhere. This woman with a hose, various deodorant and Gillette crest was discovered in the archives and, as far as we adverts, the infamous Blaupunkt teddybear sex clip know, has never been used before. and finally the ice-cream-sex-Fosters combo which caused major uproar. Articles and letters will, for the most part, be published anonymously, and any views expressed do The final section covered human sexual selection not necessarily reflect official school policy. including ‘how to tell if they like you’ and ‘when you should just give up’. This was accompanied by a little roleplay by Tom Clarke and Stephen Tracy who, admittedly, rather overplayed their parts but provided HOW TO GET HOLD OF comedy value. The Chronicle Overall, a decent talk with plenty of humour and interest. Now we look forward to the other two, on the The Chronicle is now online: there is a link on the Chemistry and Physics of Sex, but I shudder to think front page of the College Intranet, from which pdf files how they are going to cover that. Meanwhile, the of the current and previous issues can be downloaded. Chronicle is going to have to find another sex If any reader – boy, don, OR, or member of the correspondent: I resign! community – would like to ‘subscribe’ (at no charge) in order to receive their own printed copy of the Chronicle, please let us know via email at [email protected].

10 THE RADLEY COLLEGE CHRONICLE 4 October 2005 ROMANIA 2005 One of the most successful and enduring of our Community Action Projects has been the twelve consecutive annual trips to Romania, set up by SR with the help of the Pascu family, and now co-ordinated by RDS. Many of our projects have gone to Piatra Neamt, a small town in the north close to Transylvania; this year the trip was split in two, with 14 Radleians going to Piatra Neamt and 8 to a camp in the countryside near Buzau. PIATRA NEAMT

At five in the morning a small gathering of Radleians At the end of our ten days there we organised a collects next to Burger King in terminal two, concert, with one or more items from each group. Heathrow Airport. A buzz of excitement competes There were some great performances from the younger with groans about the hour, but overall there is simply kids, with classic songs like “London Burning” and a great desire to get stuck into a challenging two-week “Heads, shoulders, knees and toes”. This was followed project. up by Semisonic’s Closing Time in an interesting arrangement, to say the least. In a moment of pure On arrival in Bucharest we were hit by a horrid and nostalgia and patriotism, for our item we sang, “I vow stuffy heat, followed by an eleven-hour trip in an un- to thee my country” (almost from memory), although air-conditioned bus: much fun. In fact the length of the the Precentor might not have been that impressed. journey was not the main problem: the driver’s understanding of the role of the clutch was limited, The last three days were spent journeying south to and the ‘main roads’ sometimes degenerated into farm Bucharest, and taking in some of the beautiful tracks. We arrived at the orphanages in Piatra Neamt countryside. We spent a day in Brasov, with an (yes, there were two of them, side by side) at three in untouched mediaeval centre, a day in Sinaia, a small the morning, with everyone exhausted. ski resort, walking up in the mountains and exploring castles, and then on the last morning in Bucharest The next day, or rather, a few hours later, we were toured the second largest building in the world, stunned to see the state of the orphanages and find out Ceaucescu’s monstrous ‘Peoples’ Palace’. how little English everybody there spoke. The beds were nothing more than camp beds, the decoration was This was an unforgettable two weeks of hard work, dingy and dreary, and the so-called football pitches new experiences, intense emotions and great fun – were like the undergrowth of a wood. The reality of thoroughly recommended. what we had let ourselves into suddenly hit. The Piatra Neamt group was Ed Campbell-Preston, The first lesson was without doubt the most chaotic James Twallin, Charles Twallin, Callum Macqueen, and noisiest. There were thirty or so kids, half being James Brown, Fred Walker, Tom Cabot, James Crisp, older than us, of which about five spoke Matt Johnson, Rupert Rampton, Alex Wedderburn, understandable English. The hardest bit was knowing Fred Leask, Alex Baker, Henry Thompson-Ashby, LB what to do: the blokes wanted to talk about football and CAM. and the girls wanted to talk about showbiz. No change ALEX BAKER (B) there, then. However, we found some common ground in simply talking about Britain, Romania, the western world and our two cultures. It was amazing to see how BUZAU fascinated the children were about what we would consider everyday activities. The biggest success As the plane left Heathrow with a party of initially, however, was an OK magazine. unsuspecting Radleians I’m sure that many thought, as I did, ‘what exactly are we doing and why are we As the week continued we began to learn more about doing it?’ The first of these, although not immediately the children and their interests, which made teaching obvious, was an easier question to answer than the them considerably easier. We worked out that they second. The unthinking answer I gave is that ‘it’s a enjoyed playing games such as hangman and doing worthwhile thing to do,’ but I’m not sure that I knew word searches. Many were also amused by drawing exactly what I meant by that. and painting, and we had brought lots of paper, paints and colouring pencils that many seemed not to have The two weeks in Romania provided the answers and had the chance to use very much before. Many of the even those who went expecting the worst left with younger age groups loved action games like sleeping more than a tinge of sadness at what we had left lions and duck, duck, goose. behind.

11 4 October 2005 THE RADLEY COLLEGE CHRONICLE

I was with seven other Radleians who went with EJW tell a paintbrush from a porcupine (although easy in and Miss Briggs to a camp a couple of hours from Romania since there are none of the latter). Buzau in the foothills of the Carpathian Mountains. To say that it was isolated is perhaps an understatement It was during this monsoon season that a group of and certainly to a group of guys from the leafy puppies took up residence outside our camp. They privilege of Oxfordshire it initially seemed like the end became a feature and, once everyone got over the fear of the earth. It seemed a pilgrimage even to get to the that they were probably flea-infested, they became the couple of shops half a mile from the camp and the mascots of our trip. We gave named them according to sheer scale of the surrounding landscape was daunting. their character and appearance. This led to some strange sentences… ‘look, the Ewok is fighting Not, however, as daunting as the first teaching session Francis Drake and Jaws is nibbling at my leg!’. that we undertook. To say that we lacked experience does not convey the sheer look of fear visible on the A paragraph has to be dedicated to traditional faces of most Radleians that morning. Now that I can Romanian food and drink. Polenta was I think, the speak from experience, I can tell you that teaching is least edible food I have ever encountered – all of us hard enough, but teaching a group of children who eschewed it in favour of….nothing – and the cheese speak a foreign language is a completely different was very sour. Salami for breakfast was a little tough matter. We were lucky to have the help of translators, to stomach, too. Lunches were enjoyable, though, and and the children’s grasp of English was thankfully especially when Father Milea was there. Father Milea better than our grasp of Romanian because ‘da’ and is the Orthodox priest without whom the trip would ‘multumesc’∗ are not the most useful words to convey not exist. The fact he appeared at all for lunches is testimony to his commitment as the journey from the finer points of British culture. Perhaps it is also Buzau is not an easy one. When he was there, we were true that the subjects we chose for those first few treated to the spectacle of Miss Briggs’ not-so-subtle sessions were a little too academic, and we suffered attempts to dispose of the plum brandy that he for that. If teaching them was like handing them a liberally poured for her. Fortunately Dr Wolstenholme balloon, then ours was made of lead and we dropped it was more than happy to assist her with this particular on their toes. problem. Radleians being Radleians were not about to If at this point it all sounds unbearable then I am abandon western cuisine in a hurry and lots of coke giving the wrong impression: it was initially scary – and crisps were bought at the village shop. Chests of although not as scary for Ben Hanson as the cockroach tea had been brought from England and many an that decided to visit him on the first night – but after afternoon was spent sitting in the small kitchenette initial hiccoughs the Radley charm started to work its drinking tea without milk and discussing not the magic. We taught in groups of two, with about eight deeper more meaningful things in life, but coming up children in each grouped aged from 8 to 16. There with absolutely terrible puns. For more details ask the were three different activity areas: the main hall in Head of E Social. which we also ate our meals, a large The camp had a strongly religious lower pasture and a smaller, ‘after initial hiccoughs flavour as it was set up by the wooded area. It was a challenge to the Radley charm started Romanian Orthodox Church. our creativity and versatility not to Chapel occurred twice each day and become too dependent on any one to work its magic’ there was a long service on Sunday; of these areas although for the most it is probably true to say that Orthodox services are a part we managed well. little esoteric for most. We made a pilgrimages to two We were helped by the incredible enthusiasm of the beautiful wooden monasteries with fantastic Romanian children. They launched themselves into activities artwork inside and sometimes on the outside too. with a gusto that was inspiring. In my group the There is something rather peaceful about standing in a departure of a rather surly Romanian helper allowed monastery in silence: it gave us precious time to this gusto to manifest itself fully, and once it did, what reflect in what was an otherwise hectic trip. The had previously seemed an arduous allocation of pilgrimages were usually a whole day’s activity and, teaching time was made a privilege to undertake. Even while the walks were long, they were along some when 48 hours of continuous rain confined us all to the beautiful paths and by rocky outcrops looking down dining hall we coped. A combination of quizzes, word on a valley full of trees. The many streams broke the games, board games, art and music proved to be a mass of green with thin smiles of blue. great recipe. Some of their painting demonstrated From these peaceful images I am taking you to some amazing talent, not least to someone like me who can’t of the evening ‘entertainments’ that we participated in. These generally took the form of a disco and were ∗ ‘yes’ and ‘thank you’ arguably the scariest part of the whole trip. Memories 12 THE RADLEY COLLEGE CHRONICLE 4 October 2005 of dodgy Romanian pop music and visions of Chris A DON’S PERSPECTIVE Sykes’s costumes will remain long in the memory. As we left the camp to join up with the other group for Having spent many years working on projects in the last two days, it struck me how lucky we had been Romania whilst a teacher at Christ’s Hospital, it had to have done this. The gratitude that the children always been my dream to work with the Romanian showed in thanking us and giving us bracelets and Orthodox Church on a collaborative charitable project. gifts that they had made was a startling gesture, and The Church is in a unique position in Romania to humbling. Although I’m sure it sounds clichéd we promote social support and reform with its pastoral became aware of how fortunate we are, and how much network, the respect that it attracts from the population the camp had meant to them, and all of us. which, in many cases, is a deep reverence not only from the old but also the young. The last couple of days were spent as tourists visiting I therefore leapt at the opportunity to work on a project castles in Brasov and Sinaia, including an in 2004 at a refuge in Bucharest run by the church, extraordinarily ornate royal palace-castle that was which provided shelter for women and their children equipped with ‘central vacuuming’ and priceless gifts who had been the victims of family violence. The from all over the world displayed in exquisitely- refuge also acted at a drop-in centre for disadvantaged decorated rooms. We also visited Ceausescu’s children who, through poverty or risk of violence at enormous ‘People’s Palace’ which as far as we could see was little more than a tribute to the failures of home, would come and work there before or after school and would be supervised and supported by Communism, filled as it was with empty conference carers. The director of the centre is a senior orthodox room upon empty conference room. We ate out in the evenings which gave us a chance to both refill our priest, Fr Popa who, at the time, was the Patriarch’s advisor on social matters. I worked with four complaining stomachs and to exchange our thoughts Radleians providing activities and sport sessions for of the trip. the children for a fortnight. Our thanks go to Adrian Pascu Transport which This year Fr Popa arranged for us to go to a camp at although very reliable, was late to pick us up at the Bisoca situated in the foothills of the Carpathian airport due to an unscheduled appointment with the Mountains. The eight Radleians, KAB and I ran police on the way there… Rather more seriously, activities and sports for thirty-five children from the thanks to Father Milea for all he put into our project, Bucharest shelter. The camp complex is owned by the to Dr Wolstenholme for helping us, guiding us and Church,and there was a Christian element to the encouraging us throughout, and to Miss Briggs for programme; in the course of the project the children imparting the practical influence made two pilgrimages to remote which is generally lacking in any ‘…arrived late, owing to an local monasteries. Bisoca is an large group of Radleians. unscheduled appointment enchanting and peaceful place with its alpine-like meadows of wild Finally, if I am to try to answer with the police on the way’ flowers and grasses. Life in such my own question at the start of surroundings seems uncomplicated this article, I would have to say that this experience is although those who live in the surrounding hamlets extremely worthwhile because if you are willing, as have to work hard on the land to make a living. we were, to give a lot of yourself to the trip then the project will give back an immeasurable amount: in the At the end of the project, on returning to Bucharest, I friendships you make, the new understanding you was honoured to be invited to meet the Patriarch (the gain, and the sheer enjoyment too that comes from equivalent of our Archbishop of Canterbury) and was working with such different people. given a guided tour of his apartments. I commented to him that for me Bisoca was like paradise on Earth with The Buzau group was Chris Sykes, Matthew Willis, its stunning beauty and serenity. His Beatitude Ben Hanson, Tom McPhail, Henry Cartwright, commented on the dreadful floods that had beset parts Dunluce Eccles, Harry Nicholls, Charlie Quigley, of Romania, but said that one positive outcome had KAB and EJW. been the support the communities had shown in assisting those whose lives had been devastated by the TOM McPHAIL (H) floodwaters. Radleians who have worked on these projects have found it a remarkable experience and all have said how much they would recommend it to others. EJW

13 4 October 2005 THE RADLEY COLLEGE CHRONICLE A TUTOR’S DIARY PART III – ‘THE ORDER OF THE BATH’ I Social Sunday 10 September It’s good to be back, as I said to them at our first said, and hung up. Unfortunately, that wasn’t strictly Social Assembly (I’ve decided to call it that from now true as Coutts-Hitchin just missed his six Bs and won’t on – ‘Social Prayers’ seems a little old-fashioned, be coming back. A real tragedy, since he was clearly stuffy even, and a religious meeting does not seem Bigside material, and he had such a graceful forward quite appropriate in the room where the boys watch defensive. Still, as the Tutors’ Handbook quite rightly Desperate Housewives). Anyway, when I was thinking says, it’s best not to wash one’s dirty laundry in the about what to say, I was conscious that it’s important local press. to start the year on a positive note. I told them I was looking forward to a happy, successful and productive I received three postcards this year from Pollock – he usually only sends two – from Ibiza, Falaraki and term, and I was pleased with how that sentence turned Arizona. The last one was a picture of a huge cactus – out. Using adjectives in threes is a little oratorical trick I’ve kept from my days at the Oxford Union; it he knows my passion for cactaceae well – which was thoughtful. He really will make an excellent Head of certainly makes my little motivational talks crisper and Social, and Jackson should be a loyal deputy. Pollock, more memorable, Swindon-Graham tells me. bless him, was the only Pup to get a standing ovation It was an interesting summer, certainly. Gaudy went when ‘praeficioed’ by the Warden. Such support, off remarkably well, considering – the gin and Pimm’s especially from what looked to be the rowdier cocktails went down a storm with the parents, and so elements of College, bodes well for his term of office. after a while no one seemed to care about the hedge In the final weeks of last term he was already fizzing and so on. They removed the ping-pong balls from the with new ideas for social: his plan for individually organ pipes in time, although you can still see the odd named seats in the TV Room will make pizza spillages one rolling around the gallery. The plastic ducks in more easily traceable. The toaster-cleaning rota I’m College Pond proved more of a problem, but some not so convinced about, but I don’t want to dampen his quick thinking by the Art Department resulted in a enthusiasm so soon. He even organized a training day sign saying, ‘A level Art project. Floating for Athletics Standards before term started, so I have Communities – an interactive experimental juxta- high hopes of trouncing our competition and winning position of real and artificial wildlife in a pond back the trophies that D social swiped last year. At the setting,’ which I think fooled most of the parents. first assembly I reminded social that it’s everyone taking part together and doing their best that is the Having finally bid au revoir to the miscreants who main thing on these occasions. stayed on at the end of term, Sandra and I took some furlough and went to stay with Pemberton and his I’m ringing the changes across the house. I insisted parents in Rock, which was fine. Except that the little that the Maintenance Department refurbish the blighter appeared to have invited most of his friends in prefects’ bathroom. There is now a matching the Removes as well. Who was it who said, ‘boys will mahogany toilet seat and loo roll holder – very swish be boys’? Anyway, they knew what they were on and quite an incentive, I think, to becoming a prefect. about. ‘Rest and relaxation’ was not Some of my more progressive exactly what they seemed to be doing, ‘all the showerheads colleagues have criticised I for keeping but I thought as long as they didn’t our sole bathtub reserved for the HPs. I bring disrepute on I or the school, it in social periodically disagree. Having a bath must remain a was fine by me. After that, a go missing’ luxury – even in the tough times, as quinzaine in the south of France – now, when all the showerheads in social fewer Removes but the French to cope with – then I periodically go missing. We’ll have another amnesty, returned home to social in time for the exam results. I suppose, and they are sure to reappear after a few days. I did well, in general: von Slivovitz made his Cambridge offer to read Arch & Anth, while I hear that some of the Removes – individually, not en Springfield-Massey is going to Oxford for Material masse, thankfully – have been discovered nipping in Science. He was pretty much guaranteed a place since for a soak while the rightful users are downstairs at our Daddy is Rector of Judas College and his great-uncle daily prefects’ meeting, which, at least, clearly shows was the Vice Chancellor – nepotism seems to run in that having a bath is a desirable privilege. Anyway, that family. The Abingdon Herald rang up for a quote while repainting the room in lime and mandarin, our about our GCSE results. ‘They all did jolly well,’ I social colours, the decorators found a cache of 14 THE RADLEY COLLEGE CHRONICLE 4 October 2005

Marlboro behind the extractor fan; I was not amused. I must stop writing: we have a prefects’ meeting in a Pollock tells me the Removes are responsible, and that few minutes. First on the agenda is unauthorized he is carrying out humane interrogations. I suppose I’ll bathing. I want to sort this issue out soon, because it’s be having some stern words again with some of them a little hard on Jackson having to be on guard in there at some point. They never learn. all the time. This year’s Shells are not a great lot, either, it must be I had a quiet word with Pollock earlier this evening, said. They seem to be getting and he suggested an electronic smaller, for a start – which doesn’t ‘if all goes well, I might keypad lock to which only the help the new boys’ Tug-of-war effort prefects know the code. I said I had – and the 6.1s had to choose Snow even crack open a pack doubts whether some of his White and the Fifteen Dwarves for of bières blondes’ colleagues would be able to our Haddon Cup entry this year. On remember six digits, and then a little the up side, though, we have another Manley- pun popped into my head. I said, ‘we could put in an A Beardsley – they seem to be appearing at the rate of Social-style fingerprint scanner – you’ll only need one one every eighteen months or so. Mrs Manley- digit for that!’ He nodded at me enthusiastically but I Beardsley is one of our best customers. I told her so at don’t think he got it. At any rate, I want all the prefects the new boys’ tea party, and we laughed. I has a on board before moving forward. If we make good scholar this year, too, so I’ll be keeping a sharp eye on progress tonight, I might even crack open a pack of him and nipping any early signs of subversiveness in bières blondes. the bud. It’s good to be back.

ODDS & ENDS

Until a couple of decades ago, The Radleian had a very similar format and role to that currently of the Chronicle, being a yellow A4-ish booklet that appeared, over the course of more than a century, anything from fortnightly to twice-termly. Readers may notice in this mixed bag of snippets from past Radleians some perennial college themes…

‘I wish to protest earnestly against the wholesale ‘There are whispers of the speedy destruction of the extortion – I can call it nothing else – practised by the Public School and of the introduction of some more Shop, in selling porridge to boys who are fond of that democratic form of education.’ (1921) inexpensive luxury for breakfast. Such boys are compelled to pay five shillings a term for the indulgence they allow themselves, and what I venture ‘It is not intended that the school should exceed 229 at to assert is that it is neither to the credit nor the any time.’ (1924) interest of Shop to charge such a high price.’ (1879)

‘This term the faggables seem to have forgotten all ‘On the afternoon of Sunday Oct. 4th, a large about their clothes, and on any Sunday morning proportion of the school and several masters walked hordes of them may be seen climbing trees all round down to the railway to see the Tsar pass through on his college, in their Sunday suits.’ (1930) way to Portsmouth – according to all accounts they saw practically nothing.’ (1896) ‘We welcome the advent of “Coca-Cola” to Shop, as much for its inimitable flavour as for its delightful ‘Suggestion – that a regimental pet be provided for the advertisements.’ (1949) corps.’ (1913)

‘Clock Tower recently struck the unusual hour of ‘Debate: “that in the opinion of this House the 112.’ (1954) Cinematograph is detrimental to the nation.”’ (1913)

‘The Old Gym is certainly the finest corrugated-iron ‘Suggestion – that College Cheese be chained to the cathedral in the UK.’ (1955) plate.’ (1914)

15 4 October 2005 THE RADLEY COLLEGE CHRONICLE

CORRESPONDENCE

Correspondence is invited from any interested parties: please send contributions via email. Correspondents are welcome to use a pseudonym but must make their identity known to the editors.

To the editors of ‘The Radley College Chronicle’

Dear Sirs, Regarding recent events when A Social was broken My last point is the suggestion of having a security into by certain personnel who do not attend the college guard. Surely this would be a wiser and more effective and some expensive equipment removed, I appointment than a ‘Proctor’ whose focus is on believe certain security issues need to be making sure boys have their shirts tucked in and addressed, or at least brought into focus. their top buttons done up? Over the summer holidays every room without a Yours sincerely, lockable cupboard was equipped with a digital JOCELYN NORTH safe. Although the safes are a fine idea, they are B Social not large enough to store a laptop in; a laptop was one of the pieces of equipment stolen. They will no doubt affect the quantity of money that Dear Sirs, is thieved by other boys here, but they have are no protection from the robber whose aim is set In the light of the recent diktat stopping Shells higher than the odd ten pound note, whose buying Coke in Shop, surely it would be in the target is a seven-hundred-pound-plus laptop. interests of joined-up government also to ban them from using the vending machines immediately outside A simple yet effective option would be to issue keys Shop to buy cans of that very same tooth-rotting for our rooms and permit boys to lock them whenever elixir? they are out. This would place the responsibility for the items inside on the boy rather than on the school. Yours helpfully, As always, there is another side to this. The college, ‘HEALTH WATCHDOG’ rightly, aims to promote an atmosphere of trust within the socials, so that we can leave our doors wide open and assume that nothing will be taken. But, however less friendly the social would seem, surely locking rooms is better than having valuable items stolen. In A Social it seems that the locks to the outside doors are going to be changed from digital codes to a system involving fingerprints. This is a reasonable idea but I believe it would make more sense and would be far cheaper to issue keys to all rooms. 16 THE RADLEY COLLEGE CHRONICLE 4 October 2005 SAILING SUMMER TOUR 2005 ‘Scots wha’hae Wallace bled an’ a cannae kanoudle results and ‘the future of the sailing club’ (see below mi sporran nae gonna Mctavish och aye Jimmy,’* for the stats and The Radleian for the full story), I will declared the intriguing man, gesticulating furiously. I try to give you a idea of what really makes sailing so did not possess the requisite language skills so I special for me. attempted a diplomatic nod to indicate my desire for him to continue, half wondering whether to correct his Nobody likes to get up early. When it’s raining. Especially in Liverpool. Unless it’s to go sailing. impression that my name was Jimmy. When running through misty northern suburbs, You see, sailing for me is not just about the sailing. It munching on full Liverpudlian breakfasts, clad in has become to be about embracing different cultures ostentatiously yellow dungarees, being chased by a so- and meeting new people, even if they do smell of fish called chef who is accusing us of taking his crockery, I and look extraordinary. sometimes do begin to question my sanity. However, the moment I get onto the algae-infested icy waters of What’s the best way of keeping a secret? Write a West Kirby all these worries are washed away. report in the Chronicle? Hmmm, done that. Post photo updates in Covered Passage? Done that too. The Getting on the water, though, can often be only the existence and success of the Sailing beginning of your problems. For Club is one of the best kept secrets ‘surreptitiously boarding example, I am sailing peacefully in college, it seems to me, and, apart minibuses in the dead of along when I make the foolish from the small number of dedicated mistake of engaging an opposition sailors, who may be seen Central Hour’ Irish boat in conversation. All is well surreptitiously boarding minibuses at Clocktower in as we try to bridge the cultural rift between us, the dead of Central Hour, that no-one has a clue that comparing his fondness for Guinness with mine for tea Sailing happens, and is rather successful. (milk no sugar) until he succumbs to an incontrollable urge to urinate into the pure waters below. I can offer Max Jones, last year’s captain, wrote a piece in the no advice to you on how to deal with this, other than Chronicle last term (Vol. I, no. 4) aimed at raising the to keep an open mind when embracing new cultures profile and lowering the mystique of competitive and meeting strange people… sailing, as well as slapping the club on the back for its ‘DRUMMIE’ outstanding record of victories in competition against *My friend the Scotsman was, in fact, attempting to convey his feelings of other schools. But, instead of boring you with scores, a admiration for my waterproof suede shoes.

SAILING RESULTS SUMMER TOUR MICHAELMAS TERM

v ORs: draw Saturday 17th September v Winchester: 1st v ORSA (Farmoor , wind N 1-2) CCF National Regatta: 1st Team: S Petty (D, capt), A Gilbert (B), F Macnamara (G) ODSSA Regatta: 3rd, 5th, 9th, 12th & 28th/30 A Anderson (B), G Scott (D), K Bicket (D) ‘Farmoor’: 7th & 10th/30 Radley won 4-0, retaining the Rickards Trophy ‘Hoad Shield’: 3rd ‘Northern Team event’: 2nd 24th-25th September v Bradfield: Win 4-0 CCF National Regatta (Portsmouth, wind various) v Harrow: Win 4-0 Team: S Petty (D) & A Gilbert (B) v Stowe: Win 3-0 2nd/28 in Bo’sun Class v MCS: Win 4-2 ‘BDRSA Midlands’: 2nd/16 Saturday 25th September v Wellington: 4-0 v Winchester & ORSA (Seaview, wind SW 2-4) ‘BDRSA Southern’: 3rd/16 Team: T Chew (D, capt), R Culbertson (B), H Holman (G), ‘BDRSA International’: 2nd UK, 5th overall K Bicket (D), A Corlett (G), G Pitcher (B), T Walton (D), ‘420 Nationals’: 3rd, 4th & 13th G Scott (D) ‘Fastnet International’: 1st overseas Radley lost to ORSA, 3-0 ‘Mudhook’: Win Radley lost to Winchester, 2-0 17 4 October 2005 THE RADLEY COLLEGE CHRONICLE RUGBY RESULTS ANALYSIS Radley College v Sherborne School: Radley College v Marlborough College played: 17, won: 12, drew: 1, lost: 4 played: 4, won: 3, drew: 0, lost: 1

Radley College v Oundle School Radley College v Eton College played: 15, won: 13, drew: 1, lost: 1 played: 19, won: 14, drew: 1, lost: 4

RESULTS IN BRIEF 1st XV Stonewall 1st XV Saturday 17th September Saturday 17th September v Sherborne (H) v Sherborne (H) won 26-12 won 25-5 Saturday 24th September Saturday 24th September v Oundle (A) v Oundle (A) won 20-10 won 36-7 Wednesday 28th September Thursday 29th September v Warwick (H) v Eton (H) lost 26-31 lost 5-8

2nd XV Stonewall 2nd XV Saturday 17th September Saturday 17th September v Sherborne (A) v Marlborough (A) lost 7-22 won 15-5 Saturday 24th September Saturday 24th September v Oundle (H) v Oundle (A) lost 15-10 won 50-5 Thursday 29th September Thursday 29th September v Eton (H) v Eton (H) won 26-12 won 55-5

3rd XV Colts 1st XV Saturday 17th September Saturday 17th September v Sherborne (H) v Sherborne (A) lost 13-12 lost 7-17 Saturday 24th September Saturday 24th September v Oundle (A) v Oundle (H) won 18-8 won 35-0 Thursday 29th September Thursday 29th September v Eton (H) v Eton (A) won 24-10 won 8-6

4th XV Colts 2nd XV Saturday 17th September Saturday 17th September v Sherborne (H) v Sherborne (A) won 17-10 won 29-0 Saturday 24th September Saturday 24th September v Oundle (A) v Oundle (H) won 17-12 won 38-0 Thursday 29th September Thursday 29th September Eton (H) Eton (A) won 17-0 won 34-5

18 THE RADLEY COLLEGE CHRONICLE 4 October 2005

Colts 3rd XV Saturday 24th September v Oundle (H) Saturday 17th September won 46-0 v Sherborne (A) won 45-3 Thursday 29th September v Eton (H) Saturday 24th September won 38-15 v Oundle (H) won 31-7 Junior Colts 5th XV Thursday 29th September Saturday 17th September v Eton (A) v Marlborough (A) won 19-5 lost 38-0 Colts 4th XV Saturday 24th September v Oundle (H) Saturday 17th September won 10-0 v Sherborne (A) won 44-0 Thursday 29th September v Eton (H) Saturday 24th September won 7-5 v Oundle (H) won 48-0 Midgets 1st XV Thursday 29th September Saturday 17th September v Eton (A) v Sherborne (H) won 53-0 won 20-15 Thursday 29th September Junior Colts 1st XV v Eton (A) Saturday 17th September won 12-5 v Sherborne (A) lost 26-12 Midgets 2nd XV Saturday 24th September Saturday 17th September v Oundle (H) v Sherborne (H) won 19-8 won 19-5 Thursday 29th September Thursday 29th September v Eton (H) v Eton (A) won 14-0 lost 5-29

Junior Colts 2nd XV Midgets 3rd XV Saturday 17th September Saturday 17th September Sherborne (A) v Sherborne (H) drew 5-5 won 37-0 Saturday 24th September Thursday 29th September v Eton (A) v Oundle (H) drew 19-19 drew 10-10 Thursday 29th September Midgets 4th XV v Eton (H) Saturday 17th September won 14-0 v Sherborne (H) lost 0-45 Junior Colts 3rd XV Thursday 29th September Saturday 17th September v Eton (A) v Sherborne (A) won 31-7 won 29-7 Saturday 24th September Midgets 5th XV v Oundle (H) Saturday 17th September won 41-7 v Marlborough (H) won 22-10 Thursday 29th September v Eton (H) Thursday 29th September lost 5-17 v Eton (A) lost 0-39 Junior Colts 4th XV Saturday 17th September Midgets 6th XV v Sherborne (A) Saturday 17th September won 34-14 v Marlborough (H) won 37-0 19 4 October 2005 THE RADLEY COLLEGE CHRONICLE RACKETS INDEX

Thursday 15th September Vol. II No. 1 4 October 2005 v Cheltenham (H) ‘Harry Potter: A Half-Hearted Comparison’ 1 Dance (H) & Roupell (A) (1st pair) lost to ‘A Poll on Security’ 3 Stout & Rock 5/15, 15/13, 7/15, 4/15, 3/15. (1-4) Overheard… 3 Stallibrass (C) & North (B) (2nd pair) lost to ‘No Ordinary Place?’ 4 Cooper & Harney 5/15, 12/15, 11/15. (0-3) ‘Michaelmas Blues’ 5 Progress Report on the New Pavilion & Theatre 6 Strang (C) & Pritchard (A) (Colts pair) lost to Knight and ‘East End Development’ 7 Chitty 15/3, 12/15, 4/15, 9/15. (1-3) ‘Philosophy in Action’ 7 Holbech (B) & Hackett (H) (Junior Colts pair) beat ‘A Very Personal Statement’ 8 Newman & Musgrave 15/5, 15/12, 15/6. (3-0) Here & There 8 New Dons 9 New Noise Concert 9 Perplexed: ‘the Biology of Sex’ 10 A New College Newspaper 10 Romania: Piatra Neamt 11 Romania: Buzau 11 Romania: A Don’s Perspective 13 A Tutor’s Diary, Part III, ‘The Order of the Bath’ 14 Odds & Ends 15 Correspondence 16 Sailing: Summer Tour Report 17 Sailing Results 17 Rugby Results 18 Rackets Results 20 Editors 20 Index 20

Vol. I No. 4 GAUDY ISSUE 1 July 2005

‘In Defence of Anonymity’ 45 EDITORS OF The Leavers’ Recital 46 Leavers 47 The Radley College Chronicle ‘A Poll of Shells’ 47 Rupert Barwood (G), Thaddeus Cooper (D), Tom ‘The JCR – the heart of college?’ 48 Overheard… 48 Dance (H), Dunluce Eccles (E), Rupert Harrison (F), Drama at Radley 49 Robert Hewlett (D), Edward Holman (F), Matthew The Shell Play, Tales from Ovid 50 Johnson (G), Tom McPhail (H), Frederick Moynan ‘Extreme Debating’ – a review of the year 50 (B), Tom Muir (D), Adrian Pascu (B), Tom Spendlove Twilight Organ recitals 51 (C), Chris Sykes (B), Will Tanner (F), Stephen Tracy ‘Au Revoir, Manon’ 53 (F), Tristan Wood (C), Luke Bartlett and Ian Yorston. ‘The Metrosexual Counter-Revolution’ 53 The Winter’s Tale at the Playhouse 54 Sub-editors: Myles Dowley (A), Alex Sants (B), Ed Borneo Concert 54 Chalk (C), Ed Kerr (C) and Sam Radclyffe (H). If any A Tutor’s Diary, ‘Twas the night before Gaudy... 56 6.1 or 6.2 is interested in becoming an editor or Correspondence 59 finding out more about what that entails, please 24-hour Track Challenge 60 contact one of the editors. Polo Report & Results 61 Contributions and correspondence on any topic are Tennis Report 62 welcomed from all current or former members of the Results in brief: Cricket 62 Index 64 Radley community: please send to the above email address or to ‘The Editors, TRCC, Radley College, Abingdon, Oxon. OX14 2HR’. The illustrations on pages 4, 8, 9, 16, 20 are by Adrian Pascu (B).

The second issue of Volume II will be published on Monday, 31 October. Deadline for copy and letters is the preceding Wednesday evening which, owing to Leave Away, is 19 October.