The Poetry of Loving: Family Therapy and the Bahá'í Faith
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Published in Bahá’í Studies Notebook Vol. 3, number 1-2 (1983) © Association for Bahá’í Studies 1983 The Poetry of Loving: Family Therapy and the Bahá’í Faith Michael Bruwer* Writing about the unification of mankind, Shoghi Effendi said: This will indeed be the fitting climax of that process of integration which, starting with the family, the smallest unit in the scale of human organization, must, after having called successively into being the tribe, the city state and the nation, continue to operate until it culminates in the unification of the whole world, the final object and the crowning glory of human evolution on this planet.1 Let us take a look at this smallest unit—the family—and at family therapy, a way of helping this unit when it is in difficulty. The Family The family is an archetypal pattern of human relationships; is deeply imprinted in us via all sensory modalities; is the most basic bio psycho social Tarot deck of one’s life; is nucleus and pattern; is context (and behaviour is ambiguous out of context); is an internalized set of relationships;2 is like a hologram in the memory and experience of each member of the family is represented the entire family and the ghosts of the previous generations; is a complex of always and only coexisting entities of which the existence of one generates the other—you do not have a husband without a wife, a son without a father, a sibling without another sibling;3 shares a shifting role with the child as the smallest unit of society—the child is in the family and the family is in the child; is the valve through which the generations of humanity flow from all mankind in the past to all mankind in the future; and is a metaphor for the whole human race and for the family of nations. The family is a bio-psycho-social-spiritual unit. This makes relationships in one’s immediate family stronger and more loaded than relationships in other groups. One of the greatest powers in the world is in the bonds of the nuclear family and the feelings generated there. The family is an organism and has its own life. The brain has no one control centre controlling all the other centres. Bahá’ís know that the control is the “all-unifying agency” of the soul.4 I think the family functions in much the same way as the brain. It is very hard to identify a control centre. Overtly, one parent may seem to be in control. Covertly, the other parent may be in control. However, the control exerted by the helplessness of the infant is very strong. In like manner, one can think of the problems of the family as being offspring of the family and not the possession of any one member. Family Therapy The family and the individual are so much a part of each other that it is reasonable to talk of therapy for the family. The idea of therapy indicates the need for help from outside. You probably cannot be your own therapist any more than you can tickle yourself. While there is an emphasis in family therapy on seeing “the problem” as a symptom of pain in the family and not necessarily as an isolated disease in one person, there is also an emphasis on personal maturation which means that the therapist often helps by not helping, by not intruding, by not succumbing to the insistent urge “to help,” which is often a form of interference to relieve the therapist’s own anxiety. The therapist may do many things to facilitate change, but he should not try to help in the sense of stealing the other person’s anxiety, which is that person’s motivation and initiative for change. Family therapy is in harmony with the teaching of the Bahá’í Faith that evil does not exist.5 In family therapy negative behaviours are often interpreted positively—they are often seen as acts of self-sacrifice designed to draw attention away from more painful issues and thereby to protect others. The assumption is that the family is at root healthy and that its behaviour is positively motivated. While the rationale for family therapy is relatively obvious and vital, there are aspects of the family that are not so obvious. Firstly, the number of relationships between individuals in a family of four or more is much greater than the number of individuals in that family. Secondly, if you draw a picture of these relationships, the picture does not show you which relationship is the most important. The most important is the husband-wife relationship, the mother father relationship, the marriage. This relationship is an axis around which the other relationships revolve. Another fact not immediately apparent is that the number of roles and symbolic functions each person serves also adds up, for the whole family, to a number much larger than the number of individuals. With respect to the individuals in the family each being able to perform a number of simultaneous roles and symbolic functions, I think the following passage from ‘Abdu’l-Bahá offers an analogy: All the organisms of material creation are limited to an image or form. That is to say, each created material being is possessed of a form; it cannot possess two forms at the same time. For example, a body may be spherical, triangular or square but it is impossible for it to be two of these shapes simultaneously. It may be triangular but if it is to become square it must first rid itself of the triangular shape. It is absolutely impossible for it to be both at the same time. Therefore it is evident in the reality of material organisms that different forms cannot be simultaneously possessed. In the spiritual reality of man, however, all geometrical figures can be simultaneously conceived; while in physical realities one image must be forsaken in order that another may be possible.6 “Family” in the Bahá’í Writings I would like to review a few passages from the writings of the Bahá’í Faith to give some examples of how the word “family” is used and how family relationships are conceived. Compare the nations of the world to the members of a family. A family is a nation in miniature. Simply enlarge the circle of the household, and you have the nation. Enlarge the circle of nations, and you have all humanity. The conditions surrounding the family surround the nation. The happenings in the family are the happenings in the life of the nation. Would it add to the progress and advancement of a family if dissensions should arise among its members, all fighting, pillaging each other, jealous and revengeful of injury, seeking selfish advantage? Nay, this would be the cause of the effacement of progress and advancement. So it is in the great family of nations, for nations are but an aggregate of families. Therefore, as strife and dissension destroy a family and prevent its progress, so nations are destroyed and advancement hindered.7 ...man cannot live singly and alone....he is in need of cooperation and mutual help. The mystery of this phenomenon, the cause thereof is this, that mankind has been created from one single origin, has branched off from one family. Thus in reality all mankind represents one family. God has not created any difference. He has created all as one that thus this family might live in perfect happiness and well-being....Although the body politic is one family yet because of lack of harmonious relations some members are comfortable and some in direst misery, some members are satisfied and some are hungry, some members are clothed in most costly garments and some families are in need of food and shelter. Why? Because this family lacks the necessary reciprocity and symmetry. This household is not well arranged. This household is not living under a perfect law. All the laws which are legislated do not ensure happiness. Therefore a law must be given to this family by means of which all the members of this family will enjoy equal well-being and happiness.8 ...each of the creatures is a sign of God, and it was by the grace of the Lord and His power that each did step into the world; therefore they are not strangers, but in the family; not aliens, but friends, and to be treated as such.9 Be the son of thy father and be the fruit of that tree. Be a son that hath been born of his soul and heart and not only of water and clay. A real son is such one as hath branched from the spiritual part of man.10 When you love a member of your family or a compatriot, let it be with a ray of the Infinite Love Let it be in God, and for God.11 According to the teachings of Bahá’u’lláh, the family being a human unit must be educated according to the rules of sanctity. All the virtues must be taught the family. The integrity of the family bond must be constantly considered and the rights of the individual members must not be transgressed. The rights of the son, the father, the mother, none of them must be transgressed, none of them must be arbitrary. Just as the son has certain obligations to his father, the father likewise has certain obligations to his son. The mother, the sister and other members of the household have their certain prerogatives.