HAPPY F***ING

HOLIDAYSA GUIDE FOR GATHERING WELCOME living. We Inshort: cantake tocreatemoresweet. steps could useadoortowalk through.We canremember thedead,andcelebrate thepast isworth preserving. We canopen ourdoorstothosewho whatever of loss, we cancreatenewholiday traditionsthatallow ustopreserve the landof friends,As friendsseekingways grieving orasfellow tosupport travelers in that ache. wouldn’t want to. It’s nottheache that’s theproblem.It’s allwe dotocover-up We thebitterfromsweet, cannotseparate andwe know enoughtoknow we But here’s holidays don’t news:The thegood have tosuck. back holidays thatmake hermissmomallthemore. Sadness:theback-to- Trifecta ourscallsThe of ahostof endresult?What The now thatlurksin thecorner, hardertoname, anelephant butnolesspresent. once agiantblack holethatthreatenedtoconsumetheotherseatsattableis those“first”holidays: what was pass, we findourselves missingtherawness of missing theidiosyncratictraditionsthatdiedwhenpersondid.Asyears now; othersabandonthoseritualsaltogether, onlytocrave themlateron, ourpastlife, onlytofindthemflat theritualsof topreserve ustry Some of have,longer ornever hadtobegin with. allthatwe no company they’re dreadingcanbe anunintendedreminderof andfriendscomplainingaboutthatobnoxious unclewhose office parties “HappyHolidays!” and Whatever you celebrate, ordon’t, theonslaughtof Theholidaysdrawnight. Walgreens changesitsdecor: change. We astheleaves reminded knowwhat’s cominglongbefore We’re swap aswe outoursummerdudsforsweaters. We’re reminded 1 “YOU ARE IMPERFECT, YOU ARE WIRED FOR STRUGGLE, BUT YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE AND BELONGING.” BRENÉ BROWN

2 FORWARD It hadtaken nineyears, butIwas finally home. AndI was thankful. theEuropeanspresent withasentimentaltoast,butIdidn’tthoroughly embarrassed care. stillinasling.after hoursspentsnacking inthekitchen. Mattateone-handed, hisarm I us werealreadystuffed It was past 8pmwhenwe finallyraisedourglasses. Mostof legend. of andsquashconcoctionthat’ssage now thestuff relishandmashedpotatoesgravy, cheese salad,aspicycranberry and cabbage agoat sprouts,cauliflower two androasted brussels 14-lbturkeys anda5-lbporkloin,shredded water, my stepmom’s whitebreadstuffing,roastedbeetsand Pepperidge Farm familyrecipesand newdiscoveries: my mom’s sauce, withwine inplaceof cranberry of By thetimeday menu arrived, theguestlisthadballoonedto22.The was afree-for-all itistenuous. we’re our willthatallof remindedagainst timewe save fortraumaticevents, when window of knowing looks:thatall-too-brief Other, characterized by frequenthugs, laughter, nervous andanuptick ineyecontactand Each As theday approached, we enteredthephasewe’ll callLoving theShitOutof too. different reason,mostrelatedtowork andairfare, buttherewas somethingelsebehindit, lung, afewdays inahospital.Oneby one, friendsoptedtostick around:each stateda family),Matt,was inabikedescribing modern accident.Broken collarbone, punctured twoThen, when weeks beforeThanksgivingin2015, my roommate(aninadequateterm back to.home togo course, hada was thatInolonger airfare andwanted toavoid of thehassle, butthetruth, back tothefamiliestheydidn’tgoes have tochoose. I’d pretendIcouldn’t affordthe that itwould stay empty. Iresentedtheyearlyoccasioninwhich thefamilyI’ve chosen fillinganemptytable, andthepossibility dread andresignation.Ifearedtheprospectof For afewyears, Icontinued toapproach theholidays withafamiliarcombinationof through. friends, notby deathbutbigotry. madeorphans Itwasn’t perfect,butstill:We madeit anemptyseat,queer hadn’tall: friendswhoseholiday gatherings thepresenceof survived usin My brothercamedown fromOaklandwithhisbestie, Sparkle. were tenof There that wasn’t there:ablack holethateach yearthreatenedtosuck usintoit. all reminderof theholidays remainedthatstubborn outourownwe newnormal, carved and theirmom—my stepdad’s firstwife—andaunt attheirfamily’s Even farmhouse. as my brotherandIwent outforsushi,andtheyearwe joinedmy andstepbrothers stepdad routine. was theyearIwent There toanex-boyfriend’s andtheyear familyThanksgiving, upintheyearbefore. years, Intheintervening sold thehouseIgrew we’d lostalltraceof in2012.Ithadbeensixyearssincemy hostingThanksgiving momdied,and we’dI began - LennonFlowers, Co-Founder, TheDinnerParty, Los Angeles CONTENTS your own, and share your wisdom with the rest of us. your own, andshareyour wisdomwiththerestof traditions. guideisintendedtobeneitherstaticnorcomplete:Feel This freetomake it safely convene withfamilyandfriends, we hopethesetipsandideascaninspirenew ontoaZoomholiday fete, justbigenoughforone, orareableto logging apartment you’re inmind.Whether gathering made withvirtual celebratingathomeinyour studio DinnerParty traditionsandnewadaptations triedandtrue We’ve compiledamixof gathering. tipsandguidingprinciplesfor In thefollowing pages, you’ll findaseriesof CLOSING HOW IT WORKS

DINNER RECIPE

15 A FAVORITE 5

6 ADDITIONAL ADDITIONAL ACTIVITIES ACTIVITIES WE LOVE 16-18 CONVERSATION IDEAS: GROUND 4 RULES STARTERS 10-11

8 PRESERVATION

CREDITS

FOR SELF FOR BLRESSINGS

19 GRAB THAT 3 TIPS TIPS 3

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TOASTS & TOASTS JOURNAL 9

12-13 HOW IT WORKS there is no instruction: Youthere is noinstruction: doyou. DinnerPartying isthe oneforwhich of rule the mostimportant worksWhat foronemay ringhollow foranother, soas always, and watch movies instead. the table. Maybe thisistheyearyou decidetochuck theturkey anempty seatat family members, anddreadingthepresenceof isprofoundlyneeded.Maybe you’resupport with gathering atamomentinwhich support and you want tobeasourceof love haslostsomeone whose impactontheirlifewas significant, your Maybe lifeisgone. you’re herebecausesomeoneelseyou You mighthave person in landedherebecauseanimportant NEITHER WILL ANY TWONEITHER RELATIONSHIPS ARERELATIONSHIPS JUST AS NOTWO EVER SAME, THE GATHERINGS. DIRECTIONS!

RECIPE FOR A 1. Put a date on the calendar and send out an invite. Think of something everyone can bring to MEANINGFUL GATHERING the gathering. This could be a favorite fall snack, Close your eyes. Imagine you just closed your a glass of wine or water to sip on, or perhaps you computer after a virtual gathering. What do offer an invitation for everyone to bring an object/ you want to feel in this moment? What kind of item that reminds them of the person/people experience do you hope to have had? they’ve lost.

Consider this something akin to that favorite 2. Set the mood. As folks hop online, say hello and family recipe passed invite everyone to get down through the comfortable and settle generations, with in. Spend a few minutes flourishes and personal in casual conversation as touches added by each people filter in. new cook. INGREDIENTS

The single most important GOOD PEOPLE 3. Raise those glasses thing you can do as a host high. Toast those who is to know why you’re GOOD FOOD/RECIPES brought you to the table, there and what you want (POTLUCK-STYLE IF GATHERING IN PERSON) and the resilient AF folks to leave with. As you souls gathered round it. design and facilitate the OPEN HEARTS gathering, simply aim for 4. Welcome everyone that end-point. Don’t treat OPTIONAL: MIXTAPE PLAYLIST, CANDLES, FLOW- and set the context. this as a script and don’t ERS, ORNAMENTAL GOURDS, SOUNDTRACK, Briefly explain your feel compelled to force it. AND/OR WHATEVER YOU DO TO intention in gathering, Treat this guide, “recipe” #MAKEITNICE and the kind of if you will as a tool, and a container you wish to starting point: one you can create together. You may take or leave as helpful. want to introduce a few And remember: additional zest and spice always guiding principles for the conversation (see Ground work well. Rules, P. 8.), especially if the group doesn’t already know each other, or if you’re worried about that problematic uncle (not to scapegoat, but you know the one).

6 5. Do introductions. Have everyone share a bit about what brings them here, and where they are right now. As host, share first. MAKE A DISH WITH 6. Pick a conversation-starter. See P. 10-11. MEANING 7. Let the conversation flow organically, popcorn-style. People may cry. They should definitely laugh. Moments (even long ones!) of silence are welcome too. Don’t panic if it does-- consider that everyone on your screen wants to be In an age in which many of us there, and many might be nervous, too. live galaxies away from the worlds in which we grew up, food serves 8. Listen intently, connect the dots, and ask follow-up questions. Have a couple of as our personal native tongue, topics in your back-pocket to stir up conversation, our way of introducing ourselves in the event that conversation lags. Don’t panic if it and the people and places whose does--consider that everyone on your screen wants imprints we carry with us. to be there, and many might be nervous, too. We encourage you to prepare a 9. Fifteen minutes before the scheduled end (or dish with a story behind: a family thereabouts), wrap up intentionally. To prevent recipe or holiday staple, a popular a rushed ending, think about asking a closing question: What are folks going to take with them food tradition from where you grew from this gathering? What’s one thing everyone will up, a dish that ties you to both the do to take care of themselves in the next week? living and the dead. Same goes for all guests: It’s a great way to get a 10. Repeat! glimpse into someone else’s world, and it immediately invites a story.

7 GROUND RULES

Some groups call them “group agreements,” others here stays here. Don’t share quotes or identifying “house rules.” Some are named, some are simply details without permission. modeled and normed. They’re not meant to box you in, but to create a container that invites real courage 5. Forgiveness. Maybe you’ve noticed? Virtual and real vulnerability and real #realtalk. spaces are different from in-person interactions. Technology fails. We can’t make eye contact, so we’re less able to read each other and respond 1. Be Present. Resist the urge to shift between tabs naturally. We’re all Zoomed out. And we’re dealing and try not to engage in other tasks around you. If with all of it with less fuel in our tanks. Let’s be you need to check in with a roommate, partner, or compassionate to ourselves and each other. child during our time together, that’s fine, but just remind folks to mute themselves and go off camera when they do, so this doesn’t distract others. EXERCISE: SET 2. Golden rule of Dinner Partying: We are each our own best expert. Stick with “I” statements COMMUNITY STANDARDS and avoid advice-giving. It’s critical to remember that all of our stories are different. My story is Instructions: Draw a large circle on different from my brother’s story, because we’re a piece of paper. Inside the circle, different, and our relationships with our mom were write down all of standards you different. Your experience is yours and please honor want to set for the night (warmth, and respect that others’ experiences are theirs. vulnerability, respect, curiosity). 3. Share the air. This one’s key. Remind everyone Outside the circle, write down to be patient and respectful with speaking turns and everything you want to leave at the speaking times. It’s not unusual for people to talk (metaphorical) door (distraction over each other on virtual calls. Notice that you’re (email!), tomorrow’s to-do list, talking more than others? Step back and give others unsolicited advice, politics, a chance to be heard, and also know that silence and assumptions. pauses are welcome. Silence can feel longer on a virtual call, but that’s not a bad thing. Note: You can do this on your own ahead of time, as a way to set your own intentions for the evening, 4. Keep it confidential.Vegas Rule: What’s said or you can even do it ahead of time over email. 8 Have an escape route. Make sure you have THREE TIPS FOR somewhere — a room, a coffee shop, a friend’s house, where you can go and be completely as you SELF-PRESERVATION, are when you need to. Having my own space in my brother’s house was essential when there was BY KATHLEEN CALLAGHY company downstairs and I just couldn’t handle Don’t do anything you don’t want to do. It socializing. sounds simple, but so much of what we do during the holidays — visiting certain family members, giv- ing gifts, traditions — are so habitual that it seems Have a safety net in place. This also seems like like sacrilege to say ‘you know what, this actually a no-brainer, but what I mean by that is thinking doesn’t help me, so I’m not going to do it anymore.’ in advance and not putting yourself in a situation This could be harder or easier depending on how where you have no access to things that nurture understanding the family is. But I’ll say this — you — e.g. friends, routines, favorite spots, animals, making the decision not to travel across the country whatever it is. to visit my family during Xmas was one of the most empowering decisions I ever made. I actually had a restful holiday.

9 CONVERSATION STARTERS The holidays are those rarest of days when our appetite for earnestness exceeds our appetite for snark. What might be deemed cheesy the day before is suddenly fair-game. Don’t fear the feels.

Take a look at the questions below, and pick and choose the ones that speak to you. You may numbering all of the questions, inviting guests to pick a number and then asking them the question that corresponds to that number (a virtual version of a grab-bag of questions). Folks can answer one at a time, eventually working your way through the list. You may find that conversations unfold organically after just one question: Let it. How do you practice compassion for yourself when you are overwhelmed? Where is your sanctuary? Where or from whom did you learn to stand up for Describe a moment of the things you believe in? kindness that really meant something to you. What have you been surprised by this year?

10 Whose friendship have you How do you recharge depended on this year? during the holidays?

What’s the best lesson you’ve What did you ever been taught, What makes learn this and by whom? you feel deeply year? alive? Who are your people? What conversation do you wish you could have had differently?

Who in your life have you forgiven? Whose forgiveness do you long to ask for?

11 GRAB THAT JOURNAL

Craving some alone time, and need a minute to escape the holiday hubbub? Grab a journal and find a quiet nook.

WRITE FIRST, TALK SECOND

Letter-writing allows us to give voice to things we wouldn’t say otherwise. It serves as a powerful source of connection between friends, loved ones living EXERCISE and dead, or even strangers. And sometimes the alchemy of letters Write three tiny letters to inspires us to write what we yourself, sharing lessons and words ourselves most need to you’ve held onto, or words you wish hear. they’d shared, or words you’d like to pass forward. You can do this solo, or invite friends and family to participate, and if (and only if) they so desire, to share reflections and snippets with one another afterward.

12 What did you do that helped you get through it? What personal resources did you draw on, and what strengths did you use? Did you seek out information, advice, REFLECTION or any other kind of support? TIME Take a few moments to think about what loss has taught you about your What did this experience strengths and what’s most important teach you about how to to you. Write about the experience, deal with adversity? addressing any or all of the questions marked yellow.

Now think about a current situation How did this experience you are struggling through, and make you stronger? free-write on the prompts in red.

Are there any coping skills or strengths you want to develop? Which of these strengths If so, how could you begin to and resources can you do so using this situation as an draw on in this situation? opportunity to grow?

13 TOASTS & BLESSINGS Toasts are a great way to kick off a conversation. May this dinner provide us the nourishment Once everyone settled into their nook for a virtual we seek. gathering, invite everyone to raise their glass (water, wine, whatever it may be): To radical hospitality. To unity in diversity. To revolutionary love. We raise our glasses! Raise your glass to the person you wish could be here tonight. (Tip: Have each person say that name out loud if they so desire. Yes, this can Invite everyone to light a tealight candle and resemble a drinking game. But it can be powerful share the name of a person who inspires courage to say and hear a name that rarely gets mentioned. in you, living or dead, famous or familial, and why. And hey, it’s the holidays.) Toast those just named, and those who inspire us to be our best selves, and ourselves and each other for everything it took to make it to this moment.

HANDWASHING RITUAL

Pass a bowl of water and a hand-towel We offer a blessing of gratitude for all the around the table, having each person wash hands that helped to prepare this meal. their hands and hold the bowl for the next person. We offer a blessing of gratitude for the hands As you wash your hands, breathe in the that helped to raise us and shape us. quiet and allow it to soothe you, and breathe out whatever you’re ready to let go. We offer a blessing the work of our hands in allthat we do. And we open our hands as an expression of gratitude as we prepare to eat, to meet, and to know each other.

14 CLOSING to otherssimplythroughthebreath.Sometimes, itmay beallwe have togive. where we aretemptedtoisolate, feelaloneandmisunderstood,we cangive love oursadness, breaths.breathing outbeautiful,heart-shaped Inthemidstof toachieve toholdontoortry forourselves.we try Give themaway. Imagine out health,love, family, thethings andforgiveness. support Breatheoutallof need itextrastrength,tosendoutlove, compassionandunderstanding. Breathe Then, forsomeonewhofeelsmisunderstood. frustration they have lost,breatheinlonelinessforsomeonewhoisolates, orbreathein breatheindisappointmentforsomeonewhofeels whose futurefeelsuncertain, andsufferingyou long toberidof.discomfort Breatheinfearforsomeone in Breathe you decide.” andhappinesstothesamepeople, animals,comfort nations, orwhatever itis with thewishtotake away thesuffering,andbreatheoutwithwishtosend as Tonglen, asdescribedby Pema Chödrön:“Sointhein-breathyou breathein compassionate meditationknown meditationisbasedon a typeof particular silenceandbreathe. This take amomentof thegathering, At theendof breathe out breathe with the knowledge that you are strong enough to help carry the withtheknowledge thatyou arestrongenoughtohelpcarry BREATHE OUT. BREATHE IN. withthedesiretorelieve thosesuffering,togive thosewho 15 Most were done in private, and for the most part, they had nothing to do with religion. Most existed outside the bounds of anniversaries and birthdays, ADDITIONAL IDEAS: of Mother’s Days and Father’s Days. And most were ACTIVITIES WE LOVE extremely personal, related somehow to the person they’d lost or their relationship. A 2014 study by researchers at Harvard Business School found that people who’d found a way to TL:DR? The more we try to bury something, or move forward, who were no longer mired in despair shove it under the rug, or move on, the more space and what we typically associate as grief, were not the it takes up in our lives. Moving forward actually ones who’d attempted to entirely move on.1 They means embracing a new normal, without letting go were the people who’d discovered and embraced the people and experiences that had shaped who what the researchers called, “personal rituals.” we are.

CREATE NEW TRADITIONS: CREATING NEW TRADITIONS HELPED US GRAB “THE DAY AFTER THANKSGIVING WE WENT TO ONTO SOMETHING NEW AND OFFERED HOPE A CAFE THAT NONE OF US HAD EVER BEEN TO THAT LIFE DOES GO ON AND WE CAN KEEP BEFORE. OUR COUSINS GOT T SHIRTS DANCING THROUGH THE PAIN. IT’S MADE FOR EVERYONE WITH OUR HELPFUL FOR ME TO THINK OF LIFE MANTRA ‘I KEEP DANCING’ AND WE NOW AS A SET OF NEW EXPERIENCES ALL ATE GOOD FOOD, PLAYED GAMES, RATHER THAN CONSTANTLY LAMENTING AND REMEMBERED JULIA TOGETHER. AFTER ABOUT WHAT I’VE LOST. JULIA IS WITH US IN THAT WE WENT BOWLING AND EVEN DID SOME ALL OF THESE NEW TRADITIONS AND I’D LIKE DANCING! TO THINK THAT SHE IS PROUD OF HOW WE ARE TRYING TO EMBRACE LIFE.” — SARAH, IRVINE BRING A READING Invite guests to bring a reading (poem, quote, song lyric) that’s fortified them over the last few months. Read it together, popcorn-style, and allow the words to wash over you. Share whatever is stirred.

16 REVISIT WHAT THEY LOVED: “I SET ASIDE TIME IN THE MORNING OF A HOLIDAY CREATE A TO DO SOMETHING THAT HONORS MY BROTHER, MEMORIAL LANTERN: LIKE READ A LETTER FROM In 2016, Bay Area Dinner Partiers erected HIM, DANCE TO A SONG WE an altar at a Dia de Los Muertos festival in San BOTH LOVED — SOMETHING Francisco’s Mission district. With help from host LITTLE LIKE THAT. ONE YEAR Mary Hixson Hanna, they created hand-made I COULDN’T SHAKE THE lanterns, using tracing paper to create copies of FEELING THAT I HAD TO BUY favorite photos. Check out this video from Many, with HIM A PRESENT STILL, SO instructions on how to create your own: I BOUGHT SOMETHING HE youtu.be/Q42vnRLR2KE. WOULD’VE LOVED THAT I If you are gathering virtually, encourage folks to COULD USE TOO. IT HELPED make these on their own before your gathering, and ME STOP FEELING LIKE I WAS then share what came up for everyone during the FORGETTING SOMETHING.” crafting process. — GENEVIEVE, DETROIT

CREATE AN ALTAR

Have everyone bring a photo or an object that’s meaningful to them: the kind that activates your senses, something that immediately conjures a place or a person, the touch of a hand, the sound of a voice, a moment in which you felt fully alive. Add to it flowers, photographs, candles, sweets, fabric, mementos, found treasures, or favorite foods, and invite everyone to share the story.

17 INVITE YOUR FRIENDS: “I WANTED A WAY TO PROVIDE A SAFE SPACE TO CELEBRATE OUR MOTHERS, TO SAMPLE THE FLAVORS OF OUR RESPECTIVE AND DIVERSE CHILDHOODS, AND TO SHARE THE WISDOM THAT WE LEARNED FROM THOSE WHO GAVE US LIFE. CREATE PROMPTS SO EACH YEAR FOR MOTHER’S DAY, I INVITE WHERE PEOPLE CAN FILL FRIENDS AND FRIENDS OVER FOR WHAT I IN THE BLANK: CALL, ‘REMEMBERING OUR MOTHERS (DAY) BRUNCH.’ I SET THE TABLE WITH FLOWERS, “Ask me about...” (Host can prompt people to ORANGE JUICE AND CHAMPAGNE, AND fill in with loved one’s name, or it can be free- THE FRENCH TOAST AND CHOCOLATE CHIP for-all: “Ask me about anything, this is just what I want to talk about tonight.”) These PANCAKES THAT MY BROTHERS AND I MADE can be used as conversation-starters, or OUR OWN MOTHER FOR YEARS, UNTIL SHE host can start off the dinner by asking TOLD US SHE DIDN’T LIKE CHOCOLATE CHIP people to share about what they PANCAKES. wrote.

I ONLY KNOW ABOUT HALF OF THE PEOPLE WHO WALK THROUGH MY DOOR BEARING BREAKFAST TREATS OF THEIR OWN. FOR SOME, THE LOSS IS DECADES OLD; FOR OTHERS, ONLY A FEW MONTHS. THEIR ATTENDANCE IS AN ACT OF COURAGE FOR THEM AND AN ACT OF TRUST IN ME. ON ONE WALL, WE POST OUR MOMS’ FAVORITE SAYINGS: ‘CRUMBS HAVE NO CALORIES,’ ‘NEVER GO OUT WITHOUT LIPSTICK,’ ‘A WOMAN NEEDS A MAN LIKE A FISH NEEDS A BICYCLE,’ ‘MAKE YOUR OWN MUSIC.’

AFTERWARD, I’LL DECOMPRESS IN FRONT OF THE TV, OR GO TO A MOVIE WITH A CLOSE FRIEND. THE GATHERINGS FULFILL THEIR PURPOSE MARVELOUSLY, BUT THE TRANSITION BACK TO A SPACE WHERE NOT EVERYONE IS GRIEVING CAN BE A CHALLENGE, EVEN FOR A SEASONED HOST. PLAN ACCORDINGLY.” — ESTHER, LOS ANGELES

18 CREDITS It’s whatcreates it. Dinner isn’t justthethingyou dowithfamily. GENEVIEVE JONES ALLISON JONES MANDY HIXONHANNA ASHLEY GUNN KAREN ERLICHMAN SARAH GARDNEREACHUS KATHLEEN CALLAGHY LINDSEY BLUE-SMITH TO: THANKS SPECIAL CHRISTINA TRAN DESIGN: WORDS: MARY HORN RACHEL STOUT EVA SILVERMAN ESTHER KUSTANOWITZ JONES MICKY SCOTTBEY LENNONFLOWERS EVA SILVERMAN DESIGN, @PUSHCART

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