Grief Support Services Welcome Packet Hello,
On behalf of the Samaritans Grief Support Services team, we would like to offer our heartfelt condolences on the loss of your loved one. We wish that we could offer you words of comfort; however, we know that words are inadequate to ease your pain at this time.
Bereavement from suicide has been described as “grief with the volume turned up.” Although each person grieves differently, unexpected deaths are often traumatic and it is common to have intrusive and painful thoughts and strong physical reactions. A loss to suicide can be emotionally devastating and trigger many intense feelings such as shock and disbelief. You may find yourself searching for answers to the questions “why” and “what if" which can leave you with feelings of guilt, anger, and self-blame.
Our Grief Support Services program allows us to create ways for survivors to come together to feel accepted and understood. Our SafePlace support groups and home visits are facilitated by a team of trained volunteers and, like you, they are suicide loss survivors. They understand that you may be experiencing feelings of hopelessness that your grief and pain will ever subside and soften, or that you’ll ever feel joy again. Filled with compassion, empathy, and understanding, our volunteers help us to create the space for you and other loss survivors to share your stories, grief, and pain and to find hope and inspiration from others.
We hope that you will request a virtual home visit, or attend one of our support groups when you feel ready. Please know that you are not alone.
Kind regards, The Grief Support Services Team
Index
Samaritans Resources...... 4 Additional Resources...... 5 Advice and Guidance When Someone Close to you Dies by Suicide...... 6 10 Things to Help You Grieve...... 10 For Survivors...... 12 The Importance of Self Care...... 14 How to Cope With Holidays...... 17 Readings and Poems I Resolve...... 19 When Someone Takes His Own Life...... 21 Responsibility...... 24 Advice for Supporting a Survivor of Suicide Loss...... 25 Recommended Readings...... 27 Samaritans Resources
Survivor to Survivor Visits
Talking about such a tremendous loss can be overwhelming for some. If you’re not ready to attend a support group or if you need some extra time outside of SafePlace meetings, our volunteers are available to offer support. During Survivor to Survivor Visits, trained suicide loss survivor volunteers meet with bereaved individuals or families in their homes or another comfortable setting. During the pandemic, our trained volunteers are available to offer support via Zoom video calls or phone calls. Volunteers are available to listen, answer questions, and provide support and resources.
To request a visit: https://samaritanshope.org/our-services/grief-support/
SafePlace Meetings
Samaritans’ SafePlace meetings are open groups of caring people who have lost a loved one to suicide. SafePlace peer support groups for suicide loss survivors are facilitated by trained volunteers who have also lost a loved one to suicide. SafePlace is not a professional therapy group, but rather a peer support group providing a forum for exploring feelings often not understood by others. It offers a chance to share helpful resources, and to give and get support through the long process of grieving. Meetings are free, ongoing, and drop-in.
Everyone is welcome to join our meetings at any time after their loss. For some people, it’s a few weeks or months, and for others, it may be many years before they are ready. Before joining, we suggest you reflect on the following questions: Am I ready to talk about my loss? Will I be able to share the airtime with others? Will I be comfortable listening to others talk about their losses? If the answer is no, or you aren’t sure, we suggest you start with a Survivor to Survivor visit, where trained suicide loss survivor volunteers will meet with you privately. You can find more information on that here.
In light of recommendations for physical distancing, SafePlace meetings will be held virtually via Zoom until we’re able to resume meeting in person safely. Virtual meetings take place on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday evenings from 6:30 – 8:00 p.m. When it is safe to meet in person again, we will resume our SafePlace meetings throughout the Greater Boston and MetroWest area.
To register for a meeting: https://samaritanshope.org/get-help/lost-someone-to- suicide/attend-virtual-safeplace-meeting/ Additional Resources
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention www.afsp.org/find-support/ive-lost-someone The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention is dedicated to saving lives and bringing hope to those affected by suicide. Their website has a support group directory.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/help-yourself/loss-survivors National Toll-Free Helpline (24/7) - 800-273-8255 (TALK) Loss survivors can find resources to help them cope and read stories of other loss survivors.
Alliance of Hope www.allianceofhope.org The Alliance of Hope provides healing support for people coping with the shock, excruciating grief, and complex emotions that accompany the loss of a loved one to suicide. Their online message board (forum. allianceofhope.org) operates like a 24/7 support group.
CHILDREN CLINICAL SUPPORT Camp Kita – Rome, ME American Psychological Association (APA) www.campkita.com www.apa.org/helpcenter/coping-after-suicide Camp Kita is a summer bereavement camp APA is the leading organization representing open to children ages 8-17 who are suicide psychology loss survivors. in the US, with 118,000 researchers, educators, clinicians, consultants and students members. Visit their The Children’s Room – Arlington, MA psychologist locator to learn how to choose a www.childrensroom.org psychologist. The Children’s Room creates safe, EMDR Institute supportive communities so that no child has www.emdr.com to grieve alone. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a psychotherapy treatment that was Jeff’s Place – Framingham, MA originally designed to alleviate the distress associated www.jeffsplacemetrowest.org with traumatic memories. The Institute offers training in Jeff’s Place offers comprehensive the EMDR methodology and provides a locator for bereavement support services ensuring that trained clinicians. all children and families experience a healthy grieving process in a supportive National Association of Social Workers Referral environment. Service www.therapymatcher.com Phone: 800-242-9794 Email: [email protected] The Dougy Center: The National Center for This free telephone referral service is user-friendly and Grieving Children & Families – Portland, OR confidential. Their network of licensed therapists www.dougy.org provides services to most Massachusetts areas. The Dougy Center provides a safe place for children, teens, young adults and their families who are grieving a death to share William James College INTERFACE Referral Service their experiences through peer support interface.williamjames.edu groups, education, and training. The INTERFACE Referral Service collects and categorizes resources related to mental health and wellness. 1 of 4 When Someone Close to You Dies by Suicide
Losing a loved one to suicide is a uniquely painful and difficult experience. Suicide loss survivors, people who have lost a loved one to suicide, can be at risk for elevated rates of complicated grief. Surviving the suicide of a loved one is a life-changing ordeal that requires all of the resilience that a survivor can muster and all of the support that family and community can provide. In this handout, we hope to highlight some themes in the grief of suicide loss survivors, with the aim of helping you to understand your own complicated grief -- or to empower you to help support a friend, family member, colleague, or client who is grieving a suicide loss.
What are some thoughts and feelings common to suicide loss survivors? With death by suicide, many grieving people have questions and complex emotions. Each of the emotions described below is a normal and understandable reaction to surviving death by suicide.
Asking “why?” - Often, suicide loss survivors try desperately to understand how their loved one could have felt like suicide was the only option. This might look like replaying events leading up to the death and analyzing what could have been done or said differently to “save” their loved one. This question is often what most differentiates grief of a suicide death from other losses.
Responsibility – At first, the suicide of a loved one may have come as a shock: they did not give any indication that they were thinking of taking their own life, they did not seem depressed, the signs did not seem to be there. However, looking back, some survivors may experience the “tyranny of hindsight” – feeling that the signs now seem obvious. Suicide loss survivors may blame themselves or others for not knowing what was going to happen, which can lead to feelings of guilt and anger. Although these feelings are common, a death by suicide is the result of many complex factors and never the result of one person or event.
2 of 4 When Someone Close to You Dies by Suicide
Social disruption and isolation - Other people in the community who hear about suicide may retreat from discussing the subject out of discomfort or insecurity about an appropriate reaction, which may result in isolation or long-term changed relationships for the survivor. Alternatively, survivors may isolate themselves when they feel like people who have not experienced this type of loss cannot possibly understand what they are going through.
Shame – While it is improving, there is still a stigma surrounding suicide and mental illness. Suicide loss survivors may feel judged by others, as well as themselves, for not preventing the death. This feeling of being judged can escalate feelings of guilt and isolation.
Anger – Suicide loss survivors may feel anger at themselves, at the person who died, or at family members or friends. Sometimes born from feelings of rejection and abandonment, anger can be exacerbated by secondary losses, such as the loss of a home, relationships, or financial security.
Trauma – Shock and horror in the form of trauma can bring up many related feelings. Even for those who did not find the body of the lost loved one, Post- Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is not uncommon. Survivors may also be hypervigilant, wondering if they may miss signs of suicidality in someone else or in themselves.
Relief - Survivors may also feel relief after their loved one’s death. If their loved one had been struggling with chronic physical or mental illness, their death might have brought the end of suffering. For some, the relationship may have been complicated, where the person who died was perhaps hurtful, threatening, or cruel. Relief may be the result of a feeling of resolution and an end to uncertainty.
3 of 4 When Someone Close to You Dies by Suicide
Suicidality – Suicide loss survivors are at a heightened risk for hopelessness or suicidality. Not always as obvious, these feelings can be passive (e.g., “I just want to be with him”), especially as survivors feel a loss of their identity or role status (e.g., parent, spouse, caretaker). While suicidal feelings in those grieving a loss to suicide are not uncommon, especially early on, particular attention should be paid if loss survivors find their thoughts shift from passive suicidality (e.g. “I wish I wouldn’t wake up tomorrow”) to active suicidality.
What are some common myths about grief?
“Grief happens in stages.” It is a detrimental misconception that grief happens in stages – that a grieving person should move through a certain set of emotions to move toward “healing.” Grief is not linear, or something that goes away permanently after a certain period, and not all loss survivors will experience grief in the same way. There may be extended stretches when a survivor feels that they have their grief managed. When it reappears, it may make a survivor feel as though they have made no progress at all. This is not true. Grief can be repetitive. The goal is for the intensity, frequency, and duration of these feelings to lessen over time. “Time heals everything.” Grief needs time to heal, but time does not heal grief. Survivors cannot just wait it out and hope it will get better. Doing the work to process grief is essential. “Everyone grieves the same.” Grief is not one size fits all. Everyone’s plan and journey moving through their grief is very individual.
4 of 4 When Someone Close to You Dies by Suicide What can help survivors? Post-traumatic growth is possible for survivors who build a support system as they travel through their grief. These supports can include: Access to effective mental and physical health care Strong connections with friends, partners, family, and community Optimism and focus on reasons for living Sobriety and/or impulse control Self-worth/esteem and a sense of personal control Healthy coping skills, such as problem-solving and resiliency A reasonably safe and stable environment, including restricted access to lethal means Responsibilities and duties to others, such as family, friends, and pets
What can growth look like after a loss to suicide? A loss to suicide is not something to “get over,” but loss survivors can learn to carry it and eventually have their grief be less intrusive. Emotional fortitude can come in a number of different ways: Perspective – The loss of a loved one to suicide may give survivors a new perspective of the world and the human experience. This perspective shift will likely come with a stronger sense of empathy and awareness of others’ emotions. Appreciation – With the experience and knowledge that things can change in an instant, survivors may begin to appreciate people and aspects in their lives more fully than they ever had. Eventually, this may also include a greater focus on appreciating time spent with their loved ones than the time they’ve lost. Purpose – Many survivors find an inspiration to help others after their loss. This may mean making major life changes as they dedicate time and resources towards new priorities. Hope – By surrounding themselves with other survivors, many who have lost a loved one to suicide can start to feel a renewed sense of hope that they can survive this loss and find a new normal that includes happy times again.
1 of 2 10 Things to Help with Your Grief
1. Recognize that grieving is a slow, uneven, and often painful process of adjustment to a world that does not include your loved one. Expect better days and worse days. Try not to be discouraged by the rough times when they come.
2. Accept that you will have strong, even surprising, feelings and thoughts about the death. Try not to avoid these feelings, but instead find an appropriate and meaningful ways to express them. Give yourself permission to have all of your reactions and to grieve in your own way.
3. Understand that loss is not something to “get over” like the flu. Mourning is a process of adaptation in which we learn, step-by-step, how to make sense of a world that has been permanently changed. Most likely, you will experience new waves of grief when you encounter people, places, and things that remind you of your loved one. Each of these waves is a difficult but necessary part of the process of confronting the change, and coming to terms with it.
4. Talk with at least one person who seems to understand most of what you are experiencing, and who accepts you as you are. Talk as much or as little as you need to, but do talk. Grieving cannot be done alone, and sharing with another person who you trust is the medicine that helps to heal.
5. Accept the support of others, and be active about telling people what you need or do not need from them. Most people want to help, but do not know what to say or do that will help you the most. You will need to tell them, directly and simply. 2 of 2 10 Things to Help with Your Grief
6. Try not to be disturbed by people who have a strongly judgmental idea about how you should be coping. If necessary, avoid people who need to tell you the “right” way to grieve. Likewise, try not to compare yourself too much to how others are dealing with their loss. Each person’s grief is unique.
7. Take care of your physical and emotional health. Exercising regularly, eating nutritious foods, and avoiding alcohol and other drugs are all important. Keep your sleeping habits as regular as possible.
8. Allow yourself to find new ways to “hold on” to the memory of your loved one, as long as these do not become a way of avoiding the reality of the death. Finding ways to stay connected with your loved one is natural and necessary as a part of the grieving process as letting go. You can always carry your loved one with you in your heart. Develop rituals of memory and remembrance that helps you do this, and if possible, share them with others who understand this need.
9. Be realistic about yourself and what coming to terms with a death will mean. Most people (including you) will tend to underestimate how long it may take to recover. Seek a support group or professional help if the process seems stuck for too long, or if you feel too overwhelmed or suicidal.
10. Have faith. It seems hard to believe, but you will survive. With time, effort, and the support of others, you will begin to feel better and rebuild your life. Life may even become more meaningful and precious to you after living through this experience. 1 of 2 For Survivors What to expect when a loved one has died by suicide
This may be the worst pain you will ever feel. You may experience many different emotions, some of them all at one time: denial, shock, confusion, guilt, anger, and pain. This is very normal. It is important that you know you can survive the pain. There may be times when you don’t think you can, but you can.
Common things you may experience: Asking “why?” Pain Numbness or feeling like nothing else could ever hurt you Not being able to remember things, such as what time or day it is Lack of concentration or focus Thoughts that this is not real, it didn’t really happen, or that you are going crazy Racing mind that won’t shut off Panic and wanting to run Guilt when you catch yourself laughing or smiling
DO: Be patient with others who may not always understand or say/do the right thing. Most people really do care. Steer clear of people who want to tell you what or how to feel. They mean well but that may not be helpful to you at this time. Learn to say no. Do not set yourself up by agreeing to something that you are not ready for. Be patient with yourself. Go at your own pace, but allow those around you to do the same. 2 of 2 For Survivors What to expect when a loved one has died by suicide
Remember to take it one day at a time -- or even one moment at a time. Know that you may feel overwhelmed by the intensity of what you are feeling. At times it may sneak up on you. Call someone if you need to talk. It can help to share, instead of keeping it bottled inside of you. Know that there are groups that can be helpful, such as SafePlace by Samaritans.
DON’T: Isolate yourself. You may want to – but don’t. Be surprised when after a couple of weeks or a month, the calls stop or people don’t come by. Life does go on, and sometimes people get tired or scared of trying to deal with feelings they can’t understand. Perhaps you can help them to understand. Be surprised if you get angry when groceries must be bought, or laundry must be done. Even though you don’t feel like it – life is going on. Be disappointed if, when you think you have things under control, it comes flooding back.
From the Link Counseling Center 1 of 3 The Importance of Self-Care for Loss Survivors The death of your loved one will never be something you merely “get over.” They were special to you, and now your world is changed forever.
It is natural for the process of grieving to be slow and for you to have days where it feels like you are being crushed beneath the weight of your grief. You may want to withdraw, place blame on yourself or someone else, be angry, or have trouble getting out of bed. Keep in mind that grief is not something to be ignored or dealt with lightly.
Grief is hard work, and it can take a lot out of you. As easy as it may be to fall into unhealthy habits, it is crucial that you take care of yourself throughout this difficult time. Here are some suggestions to help you manage grief in a healthy way.
Take care of yourself physically – Try to eat well, exercise, and keep up with your hygiene. Do your best to avoid drugs and alcohol as they can make it more difficult to work through this process and may become a problematic coping mechanism.
Get back into a routine – Your life has been altered in a huge way and it will never be the same. Still, it may be beneficial for you to get “back to normal” as best you can and as soon as possible. Having some sort of structure in your grieving process can help establish a sense of normalcy and even a sense of hope.
Do not hold in your feelings – Talk to people you trust about your feelings, or at least try to put aside some time each day to acknowledge your grief. Aside from talking, there are other methods of release such as poetry, music, writing, painting, dancing, etc. Holding in your feelings and pretending they are not there is not an ideal way to handle your grief, so any outlet that works for you is beneficial.
2 of 3 The Importance of Self-Care for Loss Survivors
Seek out support – A loss to suicide is a tremendous loss and a lot to carry on your own. Do not be afraid to ask for help, whether with everyday things like cooking, dishes, and laundry or needing a shoulder to cry on and a kind ear to listen. Often, friends and families want to help but feel helpless – they might be grateful to be given a task that could help you. If you are not comfortable asking your friends or family, there are many other resources: mental health professionals, spiritual advisors, support groups, and helplines.
Stay present – Take this process one day at a time and take each moment as it comes. This allows you to be able to identify, acknowledge, and accept your feelings as they come. Grief following a suicide can feel unpredictable. Keep a journal, practice yoga, or meditate – anything that gives you time to focus on what you are feeling and how you want to handle it.
·Accept your limitations – Some things may be too difficult for you to do right now, whether that is going into the bedroom of your loved one, visiting their grave, or something else. Remember that the process of grief is slow and everyone heals at different a different pace. Do not rush to catch up to others who seem further ahead in their grieving than you are. It is important you respect your own limitations and figure out on your own terms how and when to push past them.
3 of 3 The Importance of Self-Care for Loss Survivors
Be patient – You may not be the only person who is affected by this loss. Think about the range of emotions you are feeling and consider that others around you are going through a similar process. Be patient with yourself and with others. Some people will provide you with incredible support. Others simply do not understand what you are going through. If you can, avoid people who tell you how to feel or make you feel badly about how you lost your loved one. There is no right way to grieve and despite the unfortunate stigma still linked to it, “suicide” is not a dirty word. Know your limits and respect them. Learn the limits of others and respect those, too.
Allow yourself to feel positive emotions – Give yourself permission to smile, laugh, and partake in things that bring you joy. These things can relax you and even distract you from the tragedy you have endured, and they are things your loved one would want you to be doing. How to Cope with Holidays and 1 of 2 Anniversaries If You’ve Lost a Loved One to Suicide
When you have lost someone to suicide, it’s understandable that holidays may bring mixed emotions as you hold close to those you love and yearn for those who are no longer here. Emotionally, physically, psychologically, holidays and anniversaries can be draining.
Whether or not this is your first holiday season without your loved one, it may be painful to think about practicing your regular traditions or making new memories without them there. Despite what others might say, it is not as easy as simply going through the motions, or pushing it to the back of your mind. You have suffered an unimaginable loss, you are hurt, and you reserve the right to grieve in any way that feels right to you.
For many, the anticipation of the holidays can be just as overwhelming as the holidays themselves. With this in mind, we wanted to share with you some things that have helped others to get through the holidays. Remember, some of these might work for you and some might not. There is no right way to grieve and we each need to find what works for us.
1. Honor your loved one somehow – Light a candle with their name on it, put a special ornament on the tree, serve their favorite dish at dinner, or donate a gift in their name. Say your loved one’s name and include them in your day and celebrations.
2. Make new traditions – It may feel wrong to carry out old traditions without your loved one there, and that’s okay. There are lots of alternate ideas: do something for someone else, such as volunteer work; visit relatives, friends, or even go away on vacation; or try attending holiday services at a different time or location.
How to Cope with Holidays and 2 of 2 Anniversaries If You’ve Lost a Loved One to Suicide
3. Know it’s okay to cry – You’re not putting a damper on things, you’re expressing your feelings.
4. Be direct – If you are not in the holiday spirit, that’s okay. If you can, try to communicate those feelings to others so they know what you need. Share your concerns and apprehensions as the holiday approaches with a friend, therapist, or relative. Tell them this is a difficult time for you. Accept the support. Talking about your feelings can alleviate some of the sorrow and anxiety.
5. Set limitations – Realize that it isn’t going to be easy. Do the things that are very special and important to you. Do the best you can. Let relatives and friends know your limitations. Don’t take on too much. Be kind to yourself and only do what you have the energy and desire to do.
6. Be gentle with yourself -- Ask for help. Do what brings the most comfort and try and let go of expectations. Try to get enough rest. You do not have to take everything on yourself. If a situation looks especially difficult, do your best to avoid it. Take care of yourself and your needs. 1 of 2 I Resolve by Nancy A. Mower
I RESOLVE:
That I will grieve as much and for as long as I feel like grieving and that I will not let others put a timetable on my grief.
That I will grieve in whatever way I feel like grieving, and I will ignore those who try to tell me what I should or should not be feeling and how I should or should not be behaving.
That I will cry whenever and wherever I feel like crying, and that I will not hold back my tears just because someone else feels I should be “brave” or “getting better” or “healing by now.”
That I will talk about my loved one as often as I want to, and that I will not let others turn me off just because they can’t deal with their own feelings.
That I will not be afraid or ashamed to seek professional help if I feel it is necessary.
That I will try to eat, sleep and exercise every day in order to give my body the strength it will need to help me cope with my grief.
To know that I am not losing my mind and I will remind myself that loss of memory, feelings of disorientation, lack of energy, and a sense of vulnerability are all normal parts of the grief process. 2 of 2 I Resolve by Nancy A. Mower
I RESOLVE:
To know that I will heal and to not feel guilty about feeling better.
To remind myself that the grief process is circuitous—that is, I will not make steady upward process. And when I find myself slipping back into the old moods or despair and depression, I will tell myself that “slipping backward” is also a normal part of the grieving process and these moods, too, will pass.
To try and be happy about something for some part of every day, knowing that at first, I may have to force myself to think cheerful thoughts so eventually, they can become a habit.
That I will reach out at times and try to help someone else, knowing that helping others will help me to get over my depression.
That even though my loved one is dead, I will opt for life, knowing that is what they would want for me. 1 of 3 When Someone Takes His Own Life an excerpt from The Healing of Sorrow by Norman Vincent Peale
In many ways, this seems the most tragic form of death. Certainly, it can entail more shock and grief for those who are left behind than any other. And often the stigma of suicide is what rests most heavily on those left behind.
Suicide is often judged to be essentially a selfish act. Perhaps it is. But the Bible warns us not to judge if we ourselves hope to escape judgment. And I believe this is one area where that Biblical command especially should be heeded.
For do we know how many valiant battles such a person may have fought and won before he loses that one particular battle? And is it fair that all the good acts and impulses of such a person should be forgotten or blotted out by his final tragic act?
I think our reaction should be one of love and pity, not of condemnation. Perhaps the person was not thinking clearly in his final moments; perhaps he was so driven by emotional whirlwinds that he was incapable of thinking at all. This is terribly sad. But surely it is understandable. All of us have moments when we lost control of ourselves, flashes of temper, or irritation, or selfishness that we later regret. Each one of us, probably, has a final breaking point -- or would have if our faith did not sustain us. Life puts far more pressure on some of us than it does on others. Some people have more stamina than others. When I see in the paper, as I do all too often, that dark despair has rolled over some lonely soul, so much so that for him life seemed unendurable, my reaction is not one of condemnation. It is, rather, "There but for the grace of God..."
And my heart goes out to those who are left behind because I know that they suffer terribly. Children in particular are left under a cloud of "differentness" all the more terrifying because it can never be fully explained or lifted. The immediate family of the victim is left wide open to tidal waves of guilt - “What did I fail to do that I should have done? What did I do that was wrong?"
2 of 3 When Someone Takes His Own Life an excerpt from The Healing of Sorrow by Norman Vincent Peale
To such grieving persons, I can only say, "Lift up your heads and your hearts. Surely you did your best. And surely the loved one who is gone did his best, for as long as he could. Remember now, that his battles and torments are over. Do not judge him, and do not presume to fathom the mind of God where this one of His children is concerned."
A few days ago, when a young man died by his own hand, a service for him was conducted by his pastor, the Rev. Weston Stevens. What he said that day expresses, far more eloquently than I can, the message that I am trying to convey. Here are some of his words:
"Our friend died on his own battlefield. He was killed in action fighting a civil war. He fought against adversaries that were as real to him as his casket is to us. They were powerful adversaries. They took a toll on his energies and endurance. They exhausted the last vestiges of his courage and his strength. At last, these adversaries overwhelmed him. And it appeared that he lost the war. But did he? I see a host of victories that he has won!”
For one thing -- he has won our admiration -- because even if he lost the war, we give him credit for his bravery on the battlefield. And we give him credit for the courage and pride and hope that he used as his weapons as long as he could. We shall remember not his death, but his daily victories gained through his kindnesses and thoughtfulness, through his love for family and friends, for animals and books and music, for all things beautiful, lovely, and honorable. We shall remember the many days that he was victorious over overwhelming odds. We shall remember not the years we thought he had left, but the intensity with which he lived the years he had! 3 of 3 When Someone Takes His Own Life an excerpt from The Healing of Sorrow by Norman Vincent Peale
Only God knows what this child of his suffered in the silent skirmishes that took place in his soul. But our consolation is that God does know and understand!
Every twenty-four minutes, in our troubled nation, someone dies by his own hand. It may be fanciful, but I like to think that in the next world those unfortunate people may be given double opportunities for service, and the strength and joy to carry out such tasks. So that for them, these lines from a poem by Edwin Markham called "Epitaph" would be appropriate:
Here now the dust of Edwin Markham lies,
But lo, he is not here, he is afar
On life's great errands under mightier skies
And pressing on towards some melodious star.
------
“Those we love are with the Lord, and the Lord has promised to be with us. If they are with Him, and He is with us… they cannot be far away."
- Peter Marshall, Chaplain, US Senate
Responsibility Author Unknown
I have a responsibility to those I love...
to be loving, patient, considerate, and kind; to be loyal, respectful, and honest; to be appreciative, encouraging, and comforting to share myself and care for myself
To be the best possible "Me.”
BUT
I am not responsible for them...
not for their achievements, successes, or triumphs; not for their joy, gratification, or fulfillment; not for their defeats, failures, or disappointments; not for their thoughts, choices, or mistakes. And not for their suicide.
For had I been responsible this death would not have occurred.
1 of 2 After Suicide: Advice for Supporting a Survivor of Suicide Kathy Grossart, TCF/Southwestern Manitoba
Chances are that most (if not all) of you will be affected by suicide at some point in your life. It may be a casual acquaintance, a close friend, a boyfriend/ girlfriend, or a family member who takes their life. Many people don't quite know what to do with “survivors,” those left behind after a suicide. It seems to be an extremely difficult thing for others to understand unless they have gone through it themselves. I became a survivor two years ago after my brother took his own life. Since then I have done a lot of reading on the subject and talked with others about helpful (and not so helpful) things that friends can do to aid in the grieving process. I would like to share some of these things with you. Perhaps reading this will help sensitize you to the unique grief experience of survivors of suicide, and enable you to be even more supportive to someone you know.
Please do not wait for me to call you. It is hard to reach out to others when I feel so vulnerable. If you want to be there for me, then take the initiative to call to visit me. Losing a young person to suicide is not the same as losing an elderly relative to age. Making this comparison shows you're trying to understand which I appreciate, but it is a different situation. Please don't say you know how I feel – let me tell you. Let me talk about the one who has died. I may need to re-tell the story many times. Please realize that I may be more sensitive than usual, especially regarding the subject of death. Not a good time for suicide jokes. It is unrealistic to expect that I will be “better” in a few weeks or months. It may take years to deal with all of the feelings, questions, memories, etc. It helps to ask me how I'm doing six months after the death (or one, two, or three more years later).
2 of 2 After Suicide: Advice for Supporting a Survivor of Suicide Kathy Grossart, TCF/Southwestern Manitoba
Please don't assume that something was “wrong” with the person who took their life (i.e. drugs, alcohol, bad family life, etc.). People from all different backgrounds choose suicide for many reasons. By judging my brother, it feels like you're also judging me. Just because we think he made the wrong decision, does not mean he's going to hell. Please don't tell me that it was God's will for my brother to die. Share memories of the one who has died. That means a lot! When you ask me why I didn't see the signs of suicide, you make my guilt even greater. Instead, remind me that ultimately it was my brother's choice to end his life. It is not my or anyone else's fault. Often people are afraid to talk about suicide for fear of upsetting me. Don't worry, I think about my brother often and it helps to talk about it. Even if I do cry, that is okay. Tears are healing and healthy. I can handle them if you can. Realize that holidays and birthdays and the anniversary of his death are difficult. It helps when you let me know you are thinking of my family and me at these times. Please understand that the anger, depression, frustration, questions, and thoughts I am dealing with are normal reactions to the loss I have experienced. It helps when you mention my brother's name. It makes him seem closer and reminds me that others think of him and miss him. It helps when you let me know you care about me with a phone call, a letter, or a hug.
1 of 5 Recommended Readings for Suicide Loss Survivors Compiled by Samaritans Grief Support Services and John R. Jordan, PhD
Informational
After Suicide Loss: Coping With Your Grief- 2nd Edition – Jack Jordan and Bob Baugher – 2016 This handbook is organized chronologically to follow the days, weeks, and months after a suicide loss. It includes information about psychiatric disorders, when to seek professional help, and practical strategies for coping and healing.
November of the Soul: The Enigma of Suicide – George Howe Colt - 2006 Drawing on hundreds of in-depth interviews and a fascinating survey of current knowledge, Colt provides moving case studies to offer insight into all aspects of suicide - - its cultural history, the latest biological and psychological research, the possibilities of prevention, the complexities of the right-to-die movement, and the effects on suicide's survivors.
Touched by Suicide: Hope and Healing After Loss – Carla Fine and Michael Myers - 2006 In this guide book, the authors combine their perspectives as a physician and a survivor to offer compassionate and practical advice to anyone affected by suicide.
Bruised and Wounded: Struggling to Understand Suicide – Ronald Rolheiser – 2017 With chapters on “Removing the Taboo,” “Despair as Weakness Rather than Sin,” “Reclaiming the Memory of Our Loved One,” and “The Pain of the Ones Left Behind,” Rolheiser offers hope and a new way of understanding death by suicide.
Myths About Suicide – Thomas Joiner – 2011 Around the world, more than a million people die by suicide each year. Yet many of us know very little about a tragedy that may strike our own loved ones—and much of what we think we know is wrong.
Suicide: Prevention, Intervention, Postvention - Earl Grollman - 1988 Provides information on suicide statistics and gives advice on how to recognize the warning signs of a potential suicide attempt, how to intervene when a suicide has been attempted, and how to comfort families and friends who have lost a loved one to suicide. 2 of 5 Recommended Readings for Suicide Loss Survivors Compiled by Samaritans Grief Support Services and John R. Jordan, PhD
Why People Die by Suicide – Thomas Joiner – 2005 In the wake of a suicide, the most troubling questions are invariably the most difficult to answer: How could we have known? What could we have done? And always, unremittingly: Why? Written by a clinical psychologist whose own life has been touched by suicide, this book offers the clearest account ever given of why some people choose to die.
Written by Survivors
My Son...My Son: A Guide to Healing After Death, Loss or Suicide – Iris Bolton – 1983 The author describes the journey she made from the devastation of losing her son Mitch by suicide to the step-by-step healing that took place in her life. The book is hopeful and helpful to those who have suffered any loss from death, divorce, or separation. It gives promise of recovery and healing and learning to live with the terrible event.
Sanity and Grace: A Journey of Suicide, Survival, and Strength – Judy Collins – 2003 Popular singer and writer Collins centers this "monograph of tears" on her 33-year-old son's suicide in 1992. Collins explores the roots of suicidal tendencies in her family, from her own attempt at age 14 to her father-in-law's suicide, which occurred when her husband was 10.
No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving The Suicide Of A Loved One – Carla Fine – 2001 Carla Fine brings suicide survival from the darkness into light, speaking frankly about the overwhelming feelings of confusion, guilt, shame, anger, and loneliness that are shared by all survivors. Fine draws on her own experience and on conversations with many other survivors, as well as counselors and mental health professionals.
In Rocky Roads: The Journeys of Families through Suicide Grief – Michelle Linn- Gust - 2010 Michelle Linn-Gust guides the family unit with a road map to navigate suicide grief with the ultimate goal of strengthening the family even after a devastating suicide loss. 3 of 5 Recommended Readings for Suicide Loss Survivors Compiled by Samaritans Grief Support Services and John R. Jordan, PhD
Compilations
Voices of Healing and Hope: Conversations on Grief after Suicide – Iris Bolton – 2017 According to an informal survey of family members impacted by suicide, eight issues were identified to be among the most difficult: Why, Guilt, Shame, Anger, Pain, Fear, Depression, and Faith. Chapters in the book and on the DVD deal with these areas and many others.
Seeking Hope: Stories of the Suicide Bereaved – Michelle Linn-Gust and Julie Cerel – 2011 Featuring the stories of 14 people in their own words of the losses that have forever changed their lives, the book explores the endurance of traveling through grief. Proceeds from the book benefit a fund for suicide bereavement research.
Those They Left Behind: Interviews, Stories, Essays and Poems by Survivors of Suicide – Karen Mueller Bryson – 2006 In this collection of interviews with survivors, individuals talk candidly and intimately about how their lives have been impacted by the suicide of a family member or close friend.
For Friends and Family
A Winding Road: A Handbook for Those Supporting the Suicide Bereaved – Michelle Linn-Gust and John Peters – 2010 This book discusses issues including why suicide happens, helping children cope, how culture and religion take a role in how suicide and suicide and grief are viewed. Mostly, the book offers hope that the people who are supporting the bereaved can help understand the winding road so the bereaved don't have to travel it alone.
4 of 5 Recommended Readings for Suicide Loss Survivors Compiled by Samaritans Grief Support Services and John R. Jordan, PhD
Youth
Supporting Children After a Suicide Loss: A Guide for Parents and Caregivers - Sarah S. Montgomery and Susan M. Coale – 2015 This guide offers practical suggestions on how to talk with children of all ages about suicide loss, as well as guidance for schools on supporting grieving children in a school setting. All profits go back to a non-profit that supports grieving children and families.
Someone I Love Died by Suicide: A Story for Child Survivors and Those Who Care for Them – Doreen Cammarata – 2001 This newly revised edition of the book is designed for adult caregivers to read to surviving youngsters following a suicidal death. The story allows individuals an opportunity to recognize normal grieving symptoms and to identify various interventions to promote healthy ways of coping with the death of a special person. Although the language used in the book is simplistic enough to be read along with children and ultimately stimulating family discussion, it can be beneficial to all who have been tragically devastated by suicide.
After a Parent’s Suicide: Helping Children Heal – Margo Requarth – 2006 The premature death of a parent can be devastating for young children- with the consequences far more profound when the parent dies by suicide. In this instructive and impassioned work, longtime children's bereavement counselor and psychotherapist Margo Requarth, M.A., M.F.T., charts the complex emotional waters every family must navigate in the wake of a previously unimaginable suicide death.
After – Francis Chalifour – 2005 (Teen/Young Adult Fiction) Fifteen-year-old Francis’s father has died by suicide and nothing will be the same again. After is the map of a year following the suicide of a family member. In the course of months, with the love of his mother, with counseling, and with the balm of time, Francis takes his first steps toward coming to terms with his father’s – and his family’s – tragedy. 5 of 5 Recommended Readings for Suicide Loss Survivors Compiled by Samaritans Grief Support Services and John R. Jordan, PhD
After a Suicide: An Activity Book for Grieving Kids – The Dougy Center – 2001 In this interactive workbook, children who have been exposed to a suicide can learn from other grieving kids. The book includes drawing activities, puzzles, stories, advice from other kids and helpful suggestions for how to navigate the grief process after a suicide death.
Brain Pain – Larry Shapiro Brain Pain was written to give insight to children who have lost a family member or loved one to suicide. Order your copy today and discover the healing power of this valuable personal story.
Grief
Getting Back to Life When Grief Won’t Heal – Phyllis Kosminsky – 2007 Moving beyond grief is often difficult. You may be experiencing complicated mourning, the feeling of being stuck in your sorrow, frustration, and regrets. You may find a path through your grief when you read the intimate stories of people who managed to do the same. Find real inspiration, invaluable insight and deeply felt advice.
Time Unfinished: Loss, Grief and Healing – Sandie Rotberg - 2008 Time Unfinished captures the exhausting, feelings and thoughts it takes to recover from loss. Time tends to be the paramount healer. This book is an inspirational journey of how one learns to begin again.