How to Talk with Someone Who Has Lost Someone to Suicide: a Mother’S Guide Horrible Technicolor Detail, to the Moment Kimberly A

loving outreach to survivors of suicide

MAY 2017 vol. 38, no. 5 How to Talk with someone who This Issue has Lost Someone to Suicide: Articles Cover Story A Mother’s Guide How to Talk with someone who has Lost Someone to Suicide: A Mother’s Guide horrible Technicolor detail, to the moment Kimberly A. Starr I first saw Tom’s lifeless body. I already FROM the Desk When Tom died, I was thankfully referred struggle every moment to erase that image Jessica Mead 3 to The Compassionate Friends website. from my mind, why would you want me to Grief and Family Development There’s lots of insightful information, revisit it to quench your curiosity? which helped me navigate the first few Groundlessness 5 When you say, “Did you see any signs?” months. In addition, the site has great I hear, “You failed as a parent because resources for friends and family about you were not aware.” If we had seen the MONTHLY how to talk with someone about a child’s death. But the site did not cover some of the Quilt Display Schedule 2 situations that have arisen on our journey. Monthly Meetings 8 Many friends and acquaintances reached When you use the words Announcements 9 out with their best intentions, trying to find “committed suicide,” Memorial Donations 10 a way to connect with and assist us while Mention My Name 11 dealing with their own grief and fears about I hear, “died while loss. Please understand, I write this missive from a place of love, not judgment, in hopes committing a crime.” you will never need to use the information. Please use the now When you use the words “committed suicide,” I hear, “died while committing accepted phrasing “died a crime.” Please use the now accepted phrasing “died by suicide.” This description by suicide.” is true to the situation and is less painful to hear. Whether suicide is a crime on the law books or not, I don’t want to be reminded signs, we would have taken action. We Tom’s final attempt at finding inner peace loved Tom so much we would have done might make him a felon. anything to help him. Each of us spent When you ask me, “How did Tom do quality time with Tom. We had both serious it?” I hear, “The details of Tom’s death are and hilarious conversations with him on The LOSS Program more important than the impact of Tom’s Loving Outreach a regular basis. We had daily and weekly to Survivors of Suicide life.” If knowing the specifics of Tom’s final traditions that helped us connect with Tom. 721 North LaSalle Street moments are that important to you, there He masked his pain well from his family Chicago, Illinois 60654 are other ways of finding them out – read and friends, sparing us all from his dark (312) 655-7283 the newspaper or talk to the responding law struggle. enforcement agency. In addition, when you www.catholiccharities.net/loss ask me that question, it takes me back, in Continued on p. 6 OBELISK Thank You

LOSS STAFF for your support Rev. Charles T. Rubey Founder & Director May Obelisk in Memory of Deborah R. Major Department Director Ryan Nash Cynthia Waderlow Child Therapist Publishing Fund in Memory of Jessica Mead Philip J. Hudie • George Antonio Gonzales Jr. Program Coordinator Daniel J. DeAno • Michael R. Dady Counseling Team Rev. Charles T. Rubey, Deborah Major, Laraine Bodnar, Elizabeth Teich, Sharon Bibro, Mary Novak, Amy McNicholas, Memorial Squares Cynthia Waderlow, Michele Nowak, Jessica Mead, Helen Banta, Victor Alvarez, Asela Paredes, Lifekeepers Quilts Caryl Pripusich, Alicia Kon, Melanie Johnsen, Adele Human, MAY Display Schedule Virgina Dejarlais &St. Casimir Motherhouse Chapel contributors 2601 W. Marquette Road • Chicago, Illinois Jessica Mead Quilt #20 Kimberly A. Starr Cynthia Waderlow Elizabeth Ann Pund 4/14/1982 6/7/1999 Contesa L. Austin 2/10/1981 1/13/1997 Editor Natalie Gillett 1980 2003 Erin Lyn Melvin 2/1/1983 10/29/1996 Jessica Mead Angela Leofanti 5/24/1979 5/21/1998 communications Director Shaun Padraig Welch 11/23/1978 11/8/2001 Kristine Kappel Maria G. Bravo 2/8/1988 9/19/2003 creative services Patrick Tierney 1/22/1986 3/22/2003 brand management Patrick Tierney 1/22/1986 3/22/2003 Jennifer Sirota art Design/layout William R. and Theresa M. Stanek Chapel Kathleen Gabriel of the Mission of the Holy Cross 1400 S. Austin Avenue • Cicero, Illinois Quilt #6 Ryan Pierce Baas 11/19/81 12/17/98 Jon Bowles 4/29/78 2/18/92 William C. Darley 11/19/53 7/11/79 Joseph Allen ”Joey” Gump 3/5/58 1/16/80 Randi Marie Haack 2/5/63 12/12/97 Charles A. Hundley 2/28/70 1/7/98 Kevin Kinnare 12/31/60 9/13/95 Patrick Sean Lynch 7/25/69 11/2/88 The LOSS Program Daniel J. O’Connor 3/11/70 11/23/98 Loving Outreach David Rothschild 11/23/54 7/8/83 to Survivors of Suicide 721 N. LaSalle Street Ricky Scott 10/2/65 6/25/85 Chicago, Illinois 60654 Linda Thomas Jackson 3/5/52 9/17/97 (312) 655-7283 Wendell Tucker 1982 1998 Joe Westphal 12/13/62 1/4/97 www.catholiccharities.net/loss Tom Wisniewski 6/8/74 10/12/93

2 OBELISK | May 2017 From the Desk of Jessica Mead

As we all know, grief is an extremely LOSS members say that they do not technology or keeping themselves very complex, abstract and complicated feel connected to people who have not busy with work. They move along until process, and it can force us to examine had this experience happen to them, they are hit face on when something ourselves in ways that we may not have but feel like another survivor “gets” unexpectedly comes up in their grief in the past. I tend to be a visual person them even when they say very little experience. They may smell a familiar and I like to picture the grief experience about their loss. When words fail us scent, or return to a nostalgic place that kind of like waking up in the middle of I find metaphors to be a helpful way they were not consciously aware of. the night in an unfamiliar place looking to explain our inner most selves. My Finding this balance is tricky; keep it in for a light switch. You can’t see or hear colleague Cindy Waderlow wrote about the back of your mind as you continue anything but you may be able to use “grief metaphors” in the March issue along your journey. your sense of touch to feel your way of the Obelisk if you are interested in For some people the unrestricted around the room. Most of us will walk boundlessness of grief can be slowly with our hands in front of our overwhelming. Processing with a bodies, we may bump into things along therapist or in a group can help to the way but ultimately with enough time As I hear LOSS members “contain” some of the grief experience. and patience we will find our way to the speak of their grief journey For those who can’t tolerate not light switch. As we are searching, we are knowing when they are going to feel feeling our way through the room. As I I imagine them “feeling better and need more direction I hear LOSS members speak of their grief sometimes introduce the idea of giving journey I imagine them “feeling their their way through grief.” oneself a year of sadness and then re- way through grief.” Each person does Each person does what feels evaluating (I don’t mean to oversimplify what feels promising in the moment the process as there is no prescription without always being able to anticipate promising in the moment for grief). The concept of setting these all of the “bumps” along the way. No “check in” points or pit stops can help one can share the correct or right way without always being able to break up the time and be something to grieve; it’s a process that each person anticipate all of the “bumps” one can look to. must explore. While LOSS does not Feeling your way through grief can have the magic recipe for grieving, we along the way. be scary and isolating. Sometimes you have witnessed enough suicide grief to try something that you heard from offer suggestions and share the helpful someone else and you feel worse, so experiences of fellow grievers. you may back off and try something Grief is a mind-body experience this topic. Metaphors can be a way of else. Another colleague uses the phrase that can be all consuming; many are expressing yourself in a way that others “lean into the discomfort” just enough left feeling like a shell of their former may be able connect to. that you can tolerate and move toward selves. Words can sometimes fail us This idea of feeling your way healing. Sometimes it feels nicer to be in the grief process, many may not through your grief can be an extremely a part of a collective community and have a way of articulating emotion vulnerable experience. When I imagine surround yourself with good supports: and there may be no words in the someone in the room looking for the a yoga class, an online community, a English language that fit with the light switch I imagine that person LOSS support group, or friends and experience. I recently listened to an with their hands in front of them family who are healthy and supportive. NPR segment where Bessel van der anticipating an unpleasant step. You are going to need supports to Kolk, a renowned trauma psychiatrist, Grief work involves a delicate balance guide you when you are feeling stuck spoke about how research has shown between being open and emotionally and frustrated. As always please feel that trauma impacts the Brochas area vulnerable to the pain in order to heal, free to reach out to LOSS. We want of our brain, the part of the brain while also having our psychological to be your “companion” along this where words and language are stored. defenses in place to help us do the journey. We are all a “work in progress” He suggests that in order to heal from things that we need to do in order and some days are better than others. trauma, body work and other modes of to continue to function. The most Surviving this loss is possible and non-verbal processing are vital. If this common issue that comes up for many you are already doing it. Please check sounds appealing I encourage you to of the people that I work with is that in with a professional whenever you read his book “The Body Keeps Score” many people don’t leave themselves feel that you need more support. As or listen to this NPR segment. This enough time to be emotionally always LOSS is here to provide a safe can be part of the reason why many vulnerable; they often dissociate using container for your grief.

www.catholiccharities.net/loss 3 PRESENTS Herbert Adelman Children & Youth Grief Retreat Saturday, July 22, 2017 10 a.m. – 3 p.m. St. John of the Cross 5005 Wolf Road, Western Springs

This special grief retreat is for children ages 4-18 who have lost a loved one to suicide. Whether the child’s loss is recent or not, the retreat provides an opportunity for young grievers to come together and meet others who have experienced a similar tragedy. Children will have the opportunity to share their stories and benefit from various modalities of grief expression including, music, crafts, dance-movement, yoga, art and writing. Experienced child therapists will be present to lead all activities. The event is free of charge and will include lunch. Please call Jessica Mead to inquire or to register your children. (312) 655-7284 www.catholiccharities.net/loss

4 OBELISK | May 2017 Grief and Family Development Groundlessness

on a sentence: “Right now – in the very sorrow, the heart of grief. This is where Cynthia Waderlow MSE, LCSW instant of groundlessness – is the seed compassion for the dead and the living Very recently, an esteemed friend and of taking care of those who need our arises. I felt grateful for my work that colleague died suddenly of natural care and of discovering our goodness.” allows me to be with families as they causes. Not suicide. She was loved Almost immediately I stopped also face confusion and sorrow and by many, and possibly at the peak of resisting the shifting-sands feeling of mystery, and rebuild lives that have her life, but without warning, she groundlessness (for a few minutes, been profoundly changed by the loss of was gone. We have lost her unique at least) and allowed myself to just the loved one who had been at the core humor and animation, her dedication of their lives. to helping others. Many of us at I would like to learn once and for Catholic Charities are mourning her “Right now – in the very all that if I allow myself to be present loss collectively. We are in shock, and to groundless feelings and the illusion preoccupied with taking her death instant of groundlessness that what is precious will always be in, making sense of it. I am no better with me, then love and connection at grief than my LOSS clients. But I – is the seed of taking care can be more keenly experienced with can be grateful that experiencing this of those who need our each encounter. But I believe we have sudden loss renews my understanding to keep relearning this. Opening to of the wholly disorienting aspects of care and of discovering our pain and the insights it offers us acute grief through which my bereaved has to be practiced. Perhaps now I LOSS families struggle: The strange our goodness.” will express my respect and love or body sensations, a sense of unreality, affection for others more often. Yes, I feeling disconnected from real time. will care for others and myself, perhaps If we add degrees of intimacy shared more so in the realization that we bind with the deceased person, such as experience it. I quietly breathed it in. to others in loss. I will witness this child, sibling or spouse, the disabling It was humbling to simply appreciate dynamic as my bereaved LOSS families sorrow and confusion created by a the timeless, universal humanness of tell their stories and share their sorrow suicide, we know that the intensity a loss to which I had no choice but to and regroup for the benefit of each and duration of grief becomes submit, as I have had to at other times other, and I will be quietly amazed exponentially more intense. of loss, to cast aside my notions of as parents move through great pain At the end of the day on which I control and remember how vulnerable to care for their surviving children learned of her death, I felt very tired. I we are when joyous connections end in a changed world. We find reserves felt groundless. I turned to a little book without preparation. for surviving loss when we identify a by Pema Chodron that I sometimes In that brief moment when I sense of purpose. So often it is caring use for restoration, “When Things Fall accepted the groundless sensations, I for others. Therein lies love and our Apart.” Opening the book, my eye fell was closer to a sense of mystery and discovered goodness.

I am a new subscriber. I am a PRInT subscriber. Help Us Go Green and I’d like to JOIN your EMAIL LIST. Please remove me from your

Loving f suicide Outreach Ors O Print Subscription list and O surviv to Survivors AcH t g Outre of Suicide lO vi N ast Offering Hope and Healing p Join our Email List 35 years ADD me to the EMAIL LIST. honoring the present living in the August 2015 and vol. 36, no. 8

Grief and MemoryI wantedAfter this moment a Suicide to be about my son, l.c.s.W., M.P.H his new life and the life he faced in front sandler of him, not my father’s death, the life he’d this issue elana Premack Recieve the OBELISK chosen to end. I wanted two things: to honor my dad’s Articles Once each year, I step back from writing memory, without honoring his suicide. about suicide and suicide prevention as We chose a name full of positivity and email address Cover Story they appear in pop culture and emerging hope, healing and presence. We looked into Why I Hate The Stages of Grief the past, but didn’t dwell in it. Ultimately, Sk 3 research and, around the anniversary of FroM the De my father’s death by suicide, I write a post I said a little bit about my dad and didn’t Father Rubey Ment that’s more personal. say anything about suicide.stigma Perhaps of suicide the Mily Develop F anD Fa This year, remembering my dad on the is so powerful that delivered directly to your Grie 5 even those of us who Suggestions for Parents after the anniversary of his death is different. Mostly work against it can’t Loss of a Loved One to Suicide it’s different because I am now a parent myself. entirely overcome it. As I went through Perhaps, although MONtHlY Perhaps the stigma of “ I tell my dad’s story name my first days of Quilt Display Schedule 2 parenthood, I faced a suicide is so powerful that often enough, I just Mention My name 7 most important choice wasn’t up for telling it 9 even those of us who work Monthly Meetings 8 – I had to choose a on the day I gave my Email mailbox! son his name. announcements name for my child. against it can’t entirely A month after my Now, several Memorial Donations 10 son’s birth, I wrote overcome it.” months later, I think about how difficult that choice was to about how, one day, I’ll tell my son about make in the wake of this grandfather, the one he never knew. I address apt postpartum emotions. hope to tell him about the little moments of But what I didn’t say at that time was his life that have reminded me of moments how much harder that choice was for me in my father’s life. because my father died by suicide. My son looks, actually, a lot like me, and I’d known for years that if I had a child, of my father’s three children, I’m the one EmaiL your address to: I would name that child, in some way, for who looks nothing like him. I don’t look at my father. When I was facing the prospect my son every day and think of my dad, and, of naming an actual child for my father, honestly, I’m glad for that. the dream I had played out in my head But there has been at least one moment smacked full force into reality. when I felt like my dad was here with city state zip the lOss Program I knew that I would want to stand in us. It was a moment full ofContinued humor and on p. 4 loving Outreach front of our family and community and to survivors of suicide talk about the name we had chosen. But [email protected] 721 North lasalle street each time I imagined what I would say, I chicago, illinois 60654 thought, ‘I don’t want to talk about suicide.’ (312) 655-7283 www.catholiccharities.net/loss or fill out andm aiL the coupon. MAIL TO: LOSS Program • Catholic Charities • 721 N. LaSalle St • Chicago, Illinois 60654

www.catholiccharities.net/loss 5 Experiencing a loss to suicide is difficult to understand at any age, but for a child it is even more complex. Thanks to two very generous grants from the Illinois Children’s Healthcare Foundation, Catholic Charities LOSS Program (Loving Outreach to Survivors of Suicide) expanded in 2010 to help children and youth cope and process such a painful loss. Since then, more than 230 children and youth have received counseling using a variety of child-centered treatments including art, play, dance movement, journaling, story writing, and poetry to express their feelings and process their grief.

YOUR HELP IS NEEDED! To ensure that this program can continue to provide counseling to bereaved children in future years. Please consider a gift to this important cause. Ways to Support the LOSS Program for Children & Youth • Give a gift in honor or in memory of a loved one. • Give a monthly or single gift. • Consider a bequest in your will or trust. • Host a gift gathering of supportive friends.

Yes, I/We will help grieving children receive the counseling and comfort they need when faced with the loss of a loved one to suicide.  MY (OUR) GIFT IS : $50 $100 $250 $500 $1,000 $2,500 $5,000 $10,000 $______Donate online at www.catholiccharities.net Specify your gift on the General Donations form. Designation – select “Other” from the drop down, then type LOSS Children & Youth into the text box.

NAME PAYMENT METHOD

EMAIL CHECK ENCLOSED. Payable to Catholic Charities LOSS Program Visa Mastercard Discover American Express PHONE HOME CELL (CIRCLE ONE) BILL MY

ADDRESS CARD NUMBER EXPIRATION DATE

CITY/STATE/ZIP PHONE NUMBER

MY GIFT IS MADE in MEMORY of in HONOR of SIGNATURE

HONOREE’S NAME BEQUEST. Please contact me to discuss options. MONTHLY GIVING. I would like to make an automatic monthly gift of PLEASE NOTIFY (NAME) $______charged to my credit card. ADDRESS MATCHING GIFT. My company, ______, will match my gift.

PLEASE RETURN THIS FORM WITH YOUR GIFT TO: Catholic Charities LOSS Program for Children & Youth Attn: Dave Gardner, 721 N. LaSalle Street, Chicago, Illinois 60654 Contact Dave Gardner at (312) 655-7907 or [email protected] for more information.

6 OBELISK | May 2017 A Mother’s Guide from p.1

When you say, “Why did Tom do it?” any parent who does not wish they could I hear, “Are you the reason Tom died?” rewind and revise how they handled The truth is we don’t know why this situations with their children. Are there happened. Tom left a note, but there things I would have done differently over were no specifics to pinpoint exactly what the years? Yes. Would they have made happened or if there was some inciting a difference? I don’t know. Asking me incident. We are grateful for the narrative this question sends me into a tailspin of Honor A Life he left behind, because he allowed us “What Ifs.” What Ifs are the bargaining some insight into his mental state, but part of the grief process which I am Honor your desperately trying to move past. Instead of asking me these questions, loved one with a honor Tom and me by sharing stories or Mention My Name Instead of asking me these showing me pictures or videos of him, questions, honor Tom and whether they are new to me or not. Allow Rememberance me to take the lead in sharing details me by sharing stories or of his death. If I am ready to tell you, I will. But that time might never come. showing me pictures or Instead, tell me of your sadness and your videos of him, whether fears, allowing our tears to fall together. Knowing he lives on in others’ memories they are new to me or not. strengthens me and helps me find peace with our loss. Submit your Allow me to take the lead in Mention My Name sharing details of his death. Reprinted with permission from the author. Copyright 2016 Kimberly Starr message and your tribute This article first appeared on the blog will be published in OurSideofSuicide.com. we do not know what brought him to the Obelisk. that act at that moment. And if we did Kimberly A. Starr earned a Bachelor’s of know, I am not sure we would want Arts in Theatre from Whitman College to discuss it with others. Sometimes, and a Masters in Theatre Production from there is no note, which I expect leaves Central Washington University. She teaches even greater pain and emptiness. Theatre Arts at Yakima Valley College and Occasionally, a note may indicate the Prosser High School as well as owning suicide was meant to hurt others, and StarrBright Consulting, a performance See page 11 in that case, no one would want to share coaching business. After her son Thomas that information. died by suicide in March 2015, she started ( Allow two months for publishing.) When you ask, “What would you have writing as a way to process the events and done differently?” I hear, “You are at her feelings. She is married to L.J. Da Corsi fault for Tom’s death.” I can’t imagine and is mother to Timothy and Thomas.

Join a Support Group

Loving Outreach General and Special Interest Groups to Survivors for adults and youth are offered monthly throughout Cook and Lake counties of Suicide For more Information, contact Jessica Mead • (312) 655-7284 Offering Hope and Healing See Page 8 for times and locations 35 years www.catholiccharities.net/loss 7 May Monthly Meetings meeting schedule The minimum age for the monthly meetings or eight-week groups is 18 years old. June 2017 If possible, please call the LOSS office for an initial intake interview before your first meeting: Tuesday, June 13 • 6 p.m. Jessica Mead, Program Coordinator • (312) 655-7284 Kankakee Public Library Kankakee, Illinois General Groups 4th Thursday Tuesday, June 13 • 7 p.m. May 25, 2017 • 7 – 9 p.m. 2nd Tuesday Saints Peter and Paul Church May 9, 2017 • 6 – 8 p.m. St. Daniel the Prophet 101 West Loop Drive, Wheaton Cary, Illinois Kankakee Public Library-3rd floor Clinician: Adele Human 201 East Merchant St., Kankakee Wednesday, June 14 • 7 p.m. Facilitators: Donajean & Tom Steiner Clinician: Adele Human (Spouse Group) Facilitator: Cherie Emling Catholic Charities Des Plaines Office 4th Thursday Des Plaines, Illinois 2nd Tuesday May 25, 2017 • 7 – 9 p.m. Thursday, June 15 • 6 p.m. May 9, 2017 • 7– 9 p.m. Carmel High School (Young Adult Group) Saints Peter and Paul Catholic Church (Enter at Main entrance) One Carmel Parkway, Mundelein Catholic Charities 410 N. First Street, Cary Near North Chicago Office Clinician: Virginia Desjarlais Clinician: Beth Teich Facilitators: Jim & Tina Kranz Facilitators: Linda Bachta & Jen Reese Monday, June 19 • 7 p.m. (Sibling Group) 3rd monday 4th Sunday St. Norbert Church, Northbrook May 15, 2016 • 7 – 9 p.m. May 28, 2017 • 6 – 8 p.m. Monday, June 19 • 7 p.m. St. Joseph’s Church Pastoral Center Pastoral Center 9292 Broadway, Merrillville, Indiana 1747 Lake Avenue, Wilmette Merrillville, Indiana Clinician: Melanie Johnsen Clinician: Laraine Bodnar Facilitators: Mark & Mary Edwards Facilitators: Peggy & Tom Kloempken Tuesday, June 20 • 6 p.m. Catholic Charities 3rd Tuesday Near North Chicago Office May 16, 2017 • 6 – 8 p.m. Special Interest Groups Wednesday, June 21 • 7 p.m. Catholic Charities Near North Office Holy Family Church 721 N. LaSalle, Chicago Inverness, Illinois Clinician: Sharon Bibro Northwest Spouse Group Wednesday, June 21 • 7 p.m. Facilitators: 2nd Wednesday Terry McDonough & Jeanette Scalise Saint Joseph’s Hospital May 10, 2017 • 7 – 9 p.m. 333 Madison St., Joliet 3rd Wednesday Catholic Charities Northwest Office Thursday, June 22 • 7 p.m. May 17, 2017 • 7 – 9 p.m. 1717 Rand Road, Des Plaines Clinician: Caryl Pripusich Carmel High School Holy Family Church Main Building Facilitators: Lisa Flynn & Margaret Masier Mundelein, Illinois 2515 Palatine Road, Inverness Clinician: Sharon Bibro Thursday, June 22 • 7 p.m. Facilitator: Tish Guinter Young Adult Group St. Daniel the Prophet 2nd Thursday Wheaton, Illinois 3rd Wednesday • 6 – 8 p.m. May 17, 2017 • 7 – 9 p.m. May 11, 2017 Sunday, June 25 • 6 p.m. Catholic Charities Near North Office St Joseph’s Hospital St. Joseph’s Church 721 N. LaSalle, Chicago Wilmette, Illinois 333 Madison St., Joliet Clinician: Jessica Mead Madison Board Room Facilitators: Mary Kate Beck & Amy Weiss Tuesday, June 27 • 7 p.m. Clinician: Mary Novak Catholic Charities Southwest Office Facilitators: Lance Beigh & Sue Rosenmayer Sibling Group Worth, Illinois 4th Tuesday 3rd Monday May 23, 2017 • 7 – 9 p.m. May 15, 2017 • 7 – 9 p.m. Catholic Charities Southwest Office St. Norbert Church LOSS weather line 7000 W. 111th, St. Worth (Parish office under the green awning on Elm St.) In case of severe weather, please call Clinician: Michele Nowak 1809 Walters St., Northbrook the LOSS weather line to ensure that Facilitators: Clinician: Beth Teich meetings will be held as scheduled. Thom Beck & Anne Marie Leofanti Facilitator: Katie Graff (312) 948-7902

8 OBELISK | May 2017 Announcements Why the Men Are Suicide Survivors Pop Up Quilt Display Obelisk? (MASS) Men’s Group We will be loaning out the LOSS Quilts Men Are Suicide Survivors is for adult men to local churches and parishes who are The Obelisk was chosen as a symbol who’ve experienced the loss of a family interested in displaying them. The quilts for the LOSS Program to describe member or friend due to suicide. The are a sacred piece of the LOSS program, the grief process. This symbol came purpose of the group is to discuss issues and they remember those who have died by from the definition of an Obelisk: challenges that men face in the aftermath suicide and also raise awareness about a solid, upright, four-sided pillar of a tragedy like suicide. It provides a strictly suicide and mental illness. gradually tapering as it rises. confidential setting to talk about one’s If you are interested in hosting a quilt The original obelisks were erected personal experiences and learn how others at your church or parish for one month in Egypt. The monuments were have dealt with similar situations. please contact: constructed by many people working The ultimate goal of the group is to provide Jessica Mead together to pull a single block of safe and confidential support for men who granite into place. On the sides of are dealing with the pain of surviving the (312) 655-7284 the obelisk, writings were carved loss by suicide. The group meets every [email protected] into the stone, recording battles and two months and will have a facilitator and victories of great kings; a permanent licensed therapist present. testimony to the rulers of Egypt in next meeting View the LOSS Quilt approximately 1400 B.C. Monday, May 15, 2017 at St. Casimir The LOSS Obelisk contains the writings of survivors and survivor- 7- 9 p.m. The Chapel at St. Casimir hosts a different related issues. This is a record of our The Gorton Community Center LOSS quilt each month. To view the quilt, struggles, our battle to survive. It 400 E. Illinois Road kindly call (773) 349-8001 in advance represents the support that we gain Lake Forest, Illinois and speak with a Catholic Charities staff from meeting with other survivors so The meeting room is downstairs member who will arrange to meet you at that we are not alone on our journey in the Grotto Annex. the door and escort you to the chapel. of grief. As we gain strength, the For more information, please contact : Monday through Friday grief tapers off . Our spirits rise and Bill Teskoski • [email protected] we are able to look up again, to have 1 - 3:30 p.m. (312) 560-3119 hope for the future. Eight-Week Groups LOSS continues to take names for people A Prayer for Survivors interested in Eight Week support groups. These groups are offered in various locations around the Chicagoland area. If LORD, I need your help to survive, you are interested in joining this program A part of me’s gone, but I’m still alive. recommended for the newly bereaved, Let me not be obsessed with “if onlys” and “whys” please contact: Only you know the reason that somebody dies. (312) 655-7283 I must take time to weep, and smile when I can, And not be concerned with the judgments of man. Can I learn how to numb the everyday pain, So that hollow inside me will not remain? Honor A Life May I substitute goals for my feelings of guilt, Honor your And not be ashamed of the life I have built. loved one with a Make me believe that the sadness will pass, That joy will return to my being at last. Mention My Name Finally, show me the way to reach others like me. Rememberance Then I’ll know my survival was destined to be. See page 11 Therese Gump

www.catholiccharities.net/loss 9 obelisk dedication fund

To ensure continued publication, we have established an Obelisk Fund, which enables LOSS members to assist with the expenses of this newsletter.

There are three ways in which to contribute to our fund:

dedication of one month of obelisk To dedicate a specific month to your loved one, a family may contribute $2,560, which will cover the total cost of that month’s newsletter. Please send this form back with your donation and the name of your loved one, as well as the month you are requesting. Please add a second month choice as we sometimes have more than one member requesting the same month.

I would like to contribute $______. In memory of: �� For the month of:______or ______

postage To make a donation to cover one month’s postage, we ask that you send a minimum contribution of $300. There will be a special section for those who contribute to our postage fund, and your loved one’s name also will be on the MENTION MY NAME page.

I would like to contribute $______to cover one month’s postage. In memory of: ��

publishing fund To be listed as a donor for our publishing fund, a member may contribute any amount to the Obelisk Publishing Fund and have your name listed as a donor. Your loved one’s name will appear on the MENTION MY NAME page as well.

I would like to contribute $______to the Obelisk Publishing Fund. In memory of: ��

Your Name: ��

Name of your loved one: ��

Date of Birth: ______date of Death:______NOTE: Please fill out the “Mention My Name” page. Please check here if you wish your donation to remain anonymous.

Make checks payable to: Catholic Charities LOSS Program. All donations to the LOSS Program are tax deductible.

Mail all donations to: LOSS Program • 721 N. LaSalle Street • Chicago, Illinois 60654

10 OBELISK | May 2017 Mention My Name

Philip J. Hudie Daniel J. DeAno Daniel Scott Miltner 03/30/1971 – 05/30/1995 10/29/1974 – 04/08/2012 02/23/1968 – 03/25/2014 Dearest Phil, Five long years without you…We pray Your heavenly Birthday. We miss you so. that God grants peace to your soul and These words are simple but very true, we you rest in his house. Kerri, Aidan and Vivian will always love and remember you. Love, Mom, Michael, Your loving family, Jill, David and Forest Mom, Dad, Lynn, Bob, Valerie, Bob and Connor P., and your son Christopher Michael R. Dady A special thank you to those 10/04/1996 – 03/11/2014 who have donated in memory George F. Hendry I miss your energizing smile and the light of a loved one. you brought into a room. 12/15/1972 – 05/17/1997 Margaret Braun, We love you, darling George! Auntie Corrine Peggy Hughes Bruce Engle Mom, Dad, Jack and Bess Ryan Nash Steven M. Pasquerelli 07/20/1996 – 05/06/2012 Marc A Bruno 05/11/1959 – 11/03/1997 Your giant smile is missed every single 11/13/1967 – 05/29/2014 Wishing you love and peace on your day. Wonder who you would be today… My son you’ve been gone 3 years now birthday. We miss you and think about always in our hearts. and it seems like forever. I miss you more you every day. every day. Love Mom Love, Mom, Dad and Niki Love Mom and Dad

submission form

LOSS provides a space each month in Name of Loved One �� the OBELISK for the names of people we have lost to suicide. Survivors need Date of Birth �� to be able to hear, see and speak the names of the persons we have lost. The Date of Death �� response to this opportunity has been an indication that our LOSS members truly Month Requested �� appre at your request is included in the month you wish, we ask that you send it Requested by �� in at least two months before publication: e.g., to be included in the August Obelisk, we need to receive it by May 1. Relationship �� If we receive it late, we will automatically include it in the next edition, unless Please fill in your message in the space below. We ask that you limit your message to 20 words otherwise indicated. We always do our or less. Longer messages may be edited as space is limited. best to accommodate your request. A donation of any size is appreciated to ______defray the cost of printing and postage. ______( Allow two months for publishing.) ______Please mail to: LOSS Program, Catholic Charities • 721 N. LaSalle Street • Chicago, Illinois 60654

www.catholiccharities.net/loss 11 LOSS Program/Area 281 721 North LaSalle Street Chicago, Illinois 60654

POSTMASTER: DATED MATERIAL PLEASE DO NOT DELAY

Obelisk is now Loving f suicide Outreach rs O survivO to Survivors cH tO g OutreA of Suicide lOviN ast Offering Hope and Healing 35 years honoring the present iving in the p and l August 2015 available ONLINE vol. 36, no. 8

Grief and Memory I Afterwanted this a moment Suicide to be about my son, l.c.s.W., M.P.H his new life and the life he faced in front andler of him, not my father’s death, the life he’d lana Premack s this issue e chosen to end. I wanted two things: to honor my dad’s Articles Once each year, I step back from writing memory, without honoring his suicide. about suicide and suicide prevention as We chose a name full of positivity and Cover Story they appear in pop culture and emerging hope, healing and presence. We looked into Why I Hate The Stages of Grief k 3 research and, around the anniversary of the past, but didn’t dwell in it. Ultimately, FroM the DeS my father’s death by suicide, I write a post I said a little bit about my dad and didn’t Father Rubey ent that’s more personal. say anything about suicide.stigma Perhaps of suicide the FaMily DevelopM This year, remembering my dad on the is so powerful that GrieF anD 5 even those of us who Suggestions for Parents after the anniversary of his death is different. Mostly it’s different because I am now a parent work against it can’t Join our Email List Loss of a Loved One to Suicide myself. entirely overcome it. Y As I went through Perhaps, although MONtHl 2 “ Perhaps the stigma of I tell my dad’s story 7 my first days of Quilt Display Schedule parenthood, I faced a often enough, I just 8 suicide is so powerful that Mention My name most important choice wasn’t up for telling it 9 Monthly Meetings – I had to choose a even those of us who work on the day I gave my son his name. announcements 10 name for my child. against it can’t entirely A month after my Now, several Memorial Donations son’s birth, I wrote overcome it.” months later, I think about how difficult and have the Obelisk that choice was to about how, one day, I’ll tell my son about make in the wake of this grandfather, the one he never knew. I postpartum emotions. hope to tell him about the little moments of But what I didn’t say at that time was his life that have reminded me of moments how much harder that choice was for me in my father’s life. because my father died by suicide. My son looks, actually, a lot like me, and I’d known for years that if I had a child, of my father’s three children, I’m the one I would name that child, in some way, for who looks nothing like him. I don’t look at my father. When I was facing the prospect my son every day and think of my dad, and, of naming an actual child for my father, honestly, I’m glad for that. the dream I had played out in my head But there has been at least one moment delivered to you digitally! smacked full force into reality. when I felt like my dad was here with the lOss Program I knew that I would want to stand in us. It was a moment full ofContinued humor and on p. 4 loving Outreach front of our family and community and to survivors of suicide talk about the name we had chosen. But 721 North lasalle street each time I imagined what I would say, I chicago, illinois 60654 thought, ‘I don’t want to talk about suicide.’ (312) 655-7283