How to Talk with Someone Who Has Lost Someone to Suicide: a Mother’S Guide Horrible Technicolor Detail, to the Moment Kimberly A
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LOVING OUTREACH TO SURVIVORS OF SUICIDE MAY 2017 VOL. 38, NO. 5 How to Talk with someone who This Issue has Lost Someone to Suicide: ARTICLES COVER STORY A Mother’s Guide How to Talk with someone who has Lost Someone to Suicide: A Mother’s Guide horrible Technicolor detail, to the moment Kimberly A. Starr I first saw Tom’s lifeless body. I already FROM THE DESK When Tom died, I was thankfully referred struggle every moment to erase that image Jessica Mead 3 to The Compassionate Friends website. from my mind, why would you want me to GRIEF AND FAMILY DEVELOPMENT There’s lots of insightful information, revisit it to quench your curiosity? which helped me navigate the first few Groundlessness 5 When you say, “Did you see any signs?” months. In addition, the site has great I hear, “You failed as a parent because resources for friends and family about you were not aware.” If we had seen the MONTHLY how to talk with someone about a child’s death. But the site did not cover some of the Quilt Display Schedule 2 situations that have arisen on our journey. Monthly Meetings 8 Many friends and acquaintances reached When you use the words Announcements 9 out with their best intentions, trying to find “committed suicide,” Memorial Donations 10 a way to connect with and assist us while Mention My Name 11 dealing with their own grief and fears about I hear, “died while loss. Please understand, I write this missive from a place of love, not judgment, in hopes committing a crime.” you will never need to use the information. Please use the now When you use the words “committed suicide,” I hear, “died while committing accepted phrasing “died a crime.” Please use the now accepted phrasing “died by suicide.” This description by suicide.” is true to the situation and is less painful to hear. Whether suicide is a crime on the law books or not, I don’t want to be reminded signs, we would have taken action. We Tom’s final attempt at finding inner peace loved Tom so much we would have done might make him a felon. anything to help him. Each of us spent When you ask me, “How did Tom do quality time with Tom. We had both serious it?” I hear, “The details of Tom’s death are and hilarious conversations with him on The LOSS Program more important than the impact of Tom’s Loving Outreach a regular basis. We had daily and weekly to Survivors of Suicide life.” If knowing the specifics of Tom’s final traditions that helped us connect with Tom. 721 North LaSalle Street moments are that important to you, there He masked his pain well from his family Chicago, Illinois 60654 are other ways of finding them out – read and friends, sparing us all from his dark (312) 655-7283 the newspaper or talk to the responding law struggle. enforcement agency. In addition, when you www.catholiccharities.net/loss ask me that question, it takes me back, in Continued on p. 6 OBELISK Thank You LOSS STAFF FOR YOUR SUPPORT Rev. Charles T. Rubey Founder & Director May Obelisk in Memory of Deborah R. Major Department Director Ryan Nash Cynthia Waderlow Child Therapist Publishing Fund in Memory of Jessica Mead Philip J. Hudie • George Antonio Gonzales Jr. Program Coordinator Daniel J. DeAno • Michael R. Dady COUNSELING TEAM Rev. Charles T. Rubey, Deborah Major, Laraine Bodnar, Elizabeth Teich, Sharon Bibro, Mary Novak, Amy McNicholas, Memorial Squares Cynthia Waderlow, Michele Nowak, Jessica Mead, Helen Banta, Victor Alvarez, Asela Paredes, Lifekeepers Quilts Caryl Pripusich, Alicia Kon, Melanie Johnsen, Adele Human, MAY DISPLay SCHEDULE Virgina Dejarlais &St. Casimir Motherhouse Chapel CONTRIBUTORS 2601 W. Marquette Road • Chicago, Illinois Jessica Mead Quilt #20 Kimberly A. Starr Cynthia Waderlow Elizabeth Ann Pund 4/14/1982 6/7/1999 Contesa L. Austin 2/10/1981 1/13/1997 EDITOR Natalie Gillett 1980 2003 Erin Lyn Melvin 2/1/1983 10/29/1996 Jessica Mead Angela Leofanti 5/24/1979 5/21/1998 COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR Shaun Padraig Welch 11/23/1978 11/8/2001 Kristine Kappel Maria G. Bravo 2/8/1988 9/19/2003 CREATIVE SERVICES Patrick Tierney 1/22/1986 3/22/2003 BRAND MANAGEMENT Patrick Tierney 1/22/1986 3/22/2003 Jennifer Sirota ART DESIGN/LayOUT William R. and Theresa M. Stanek Chapel Kathleen Gabriel of the Mission of the Holy Cross 1400 S. Austin Avenue • Cicero, Illinois Quilt #6 Ryan Pierce Baas 11/19/81 12/17/98 Jon Bowles 4/29/78 2/18/92 William C. Darley 11/19/53 7/11/79 Joseph Allen ”Joey” Gump 3/5/58 1/16/80 Randi Marie Haack 2/5/63 12/12/97 Charles A. Hundley 2/28/70 1/7/98 Kevin Kinnare 12/31/60 9/13/95 Patrick Sean Lynch 7/25/69 11/2/88 The LOSS Program Daniel J. O’Connor 3/11/70 11/23/98 Loving Outreach David Rothschild 11/23/54 7/8/83 to Survivors of Suicide 721 N. LaSalle Street Ricky Scott 10/2/65 6/25/85 Chicago, Illinois 60654 Linda Thomas Jackson 3/5/52 9/17/97 (312) 655-7283 Wendell Tucker 1982 1998 Joe Westphal 12/13/62 1/4/97 www.catholiccharities.net/loss Tom Wisniewski 6/8/74 10/12/93 2 OBELISK | May 2017 FROM THE DESK OF Jessica Mead As we all know, grief is an extremely LOSS members say that they do not technology or keeping themselves very complex, abstract and complicated feel connected to people who have not busy with work. They move along until process, and it can force us to examine had this experience happen to them, they are hit face on when something ourselves in ways that we may not have but feel like another survivor “gets” unexpectedly comes up in their grief in the past. I tend to be a visual person them even when they say very little experience. They may smell a familiar and I like to picture the grief experience about their loss. When words fail us scent, or return to a nostalgic place that kind of like waking up in the middle of I find metaphors to be a helpful way they were not consciously aware of. the night in an unfamiliar place looking to explain our inner most selves. My Finding this balance is tricky; keep it in for a light switch. You can’t see or hear colleague Cindy Waderlow wrote about the back of your mind as you continue anything but you may be able to use “grief metaphors” in the March issue along your journey. your sense of touch to feel your way of the Obelisk if you are interested in For some people the unrestricted around the room. Most of us will walk boundlessness of grief can be slowly with our hands in front of our overwhelming. Processing with a bodies, we may bump into things along therapist or in a group can help to the way but ultimately with enough time As I hear LOSS members “contain” some of the grief experience. and patience we will find our way to the speak of their grief journey For those who can’t tolerate not light switch. As we are searching, we are knowing when they are going to feel feeling our way through the room. As I I imagine them “feeling better and need more direction I hear LOSS members speak of their grief sometimes introduce the idea of giving journey I imagine them “feeling their their way through grief.” oneself a year of sadness and then re- way through grief.” Each person does Each person does what feels evaluating (I don’t mean to oversimplify what feels promising in the moment the process as there is no prescription without always being able to anticipate promising in the moment for grief). The concept of setting these all of the “bumps” along the way. No “check in” points or pit stops can help one can share the correct or right way without always being able to break up the time and be something to grieve; it’s a process that each person anticipate all of the “bumps” one can look to. must explore. While LOSS does not Feeling your way through grief can have the magic recipe for grieving, we along the way. be scary and isolating. Sometimes you have witnessed enough suicide grief to try something that you heard from offer suggestions and share the helpful someone else and you feel worse, so experiences of fellow grievers. you may back off and try something Grief is a mind-body experience this topic. Metaphors can be a way of else. Another colleague uses the phrase that can be all consuming; many are expressing yourself in a way that others “lean into the discomfort” just enough left feeling like a shell of their former may be able connect to. that you can tolerate and move toward selves. Words can sometimes fail us This idea of feeling your way healing. Sometimes it feels nicer to be in the grief process, many may not through your grief can be an extremely a part of a collective community and have a way of articulating emotion vulnerable experience. When I imagine surround yourself with good supports: and there may be no words in the someone in the room looking for the a yoga class, an online community, a English language that fit with the light switch I imagine that person LOSS support group, or friends and experience.