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Grieving Is As Natural As Crying When You Are Hurt, Sleeping When You Are Tired, Eating When You Are Hungry, Or Sneezing When Your Nose Itches

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Grieving Is As Natural As Crying When You Are Hurt, Sleeping When You Are Tired, Eating When You Are Hungry, Or Sneezing When Your Nose Itches Grieving is as natural as crying when you are hurt, sleeping when you are tired, eating when you are hungry, or sneezing when your nose itches. It is nature's way of healing a broken heart. –Unknown This survivor to survivor publication is provided free as a service to Wisconsin families. We hope this information will help you on your journey of grief. We believe that grief shared is grief diminished. People that have lost someone to suicide are referred to as survivors of suicide. As survivors of a family member or friend’s suicide we have faced some of the same challenges and some of the questions you are now facing. We want to share with you some thoughts and ideas that have been helpful for us. It is important to remember that you must do what is right for you and your family. This just gives you a different prospective. Especially helpful is an article written by the SA/VE organization giving you ideas about how to talk to children about suicide. The rest of this booklet is writings and information that we have found to be helpful. They are not ours alone but have come from a variety of places that may be helpful to you in the future. We have left all the sources on to give them the credit they deserve, but also as resources as you work through your grief. This is probably more information than you need or want right now. Take things one day at time, one hour at a time or even one minute at a time. Grieving takes a lot of energy. Be kind to yourself and let others help you. Explaining Suicide to Children Children and adolescents may have a multitude of feelings happening at the same time or simply "What should I tell the children?" A question may not feel anything at all. Whatever they are often asked after the suicide of a loved one. feeling, the important thing to remember is that they understand it is okay; that whatever those The answer - the truth. feelings are, they have permission to let them Many people still believe it is best to shield out. If they want to keep them to themselves for a children from the truth, that somehow this will while, that's okay too. protect them. More often than not, the opposite is How do we explain suicide to children or young true. Misleading children, evading the truth, or people? It may seem impossible and too complex telling falsehoods to them about how someone to even try, but that's exactly what we must do - died can do much more harm than good; if they try! Their age will be a factor in how much they happen to hear the truth from someone else, can understand and how much information you their trust in you can be difficult to regain. Not give them. Some children will be content with an knowing can be terrifying and hurtful. We've answer consisting of one or two sentences; always been told that "honesty is the best policy" others might have continuous questions, which and just because the subject is suicide, that they should be allowed to ask and to have doesn't mean this time is any different. answered. What children might be feeling after losing After children learn that the death was by suicide, someone they love to suicide: one of their first questions might be, "What is 1 Abandoned -that the person who died suicide?" Explain that people die in different ways didn't love them. -some die from cancer, from heart attacks, some from car accidents, and that suicide means that a 2 Feel the death is their fault - if they would person did it to him or herself. If they ask how, have loved the person more or behaved once again it will be difficult, but be honest. differently. Some examples of explaining why suicide 3 Afraid that they will die too. happens might be: 4 Worried that someone else they love will "He had a illness in his brain (or mind) and he die or worry about who will take care of them. died." 5 Guilt - because they wished or thought of "His brain got very sick and he died." the person's death. "The brain is an organ of the body just like the 6 Sad. heart, liver and kidneys. Sometimes it can get 7 Embarrassed - to see other people or to sick, just like other organs." go back to school. "She had an illness called depression and it 8 Confused. caused her to die." 9 Angry - with the person who died, at God, (If someone the child knows, or the child herself, at everyone. is being treated for depression, it's critical to stress that only some people die from 10 Lonely. depression, not everyone that has depression. 11 Denial -pretend like nothing happened. And that there are many options for getting help, e.g. medication, psychotherapy or a combination 12 Numb -can't feel anything. of both.) 13 Wish it would all just go away. A more detailed explanation might be: "Our thoughts and feelings come from our brain, (It's important to note that there are people who and sometimes a person's brain can get very were getting help for their depression and died sick - the sickness can cause a person to feel anyway. Just as in other illnesses, a person can very badly inside. It also makes a per-son's receive the best medical treatment and still not thoughts get all jumbled and mixed up, so he survive. This can also be the case with can't think clearly. Some people can't think of depression. If this is what occurred in your family, any other way of stopping the hurt they feel children and adolescents can usually understand inside. They don't understand that they don't the analogy above when it is explained to them.) have to feel that way, that they can get help." Children need to know that the person who died loved them, but that because of the illness, the person may have been unable to convey that to them or think about how the children would feel after the loved one's death. They need to know that the suicide was not their fault, and that nothing they said or did or didn't say or do, caused the death. Some children might ask questions related to the morals of suicide - good/bad, right/wrong. It is best to steer clear of this, if possible. Suicide is none of these - it is something that happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with that pain. Whatever approach is taken when explaining suicide to children, they need to know they can talk about it and ask questions whenever they feel the need, to know that there are people there who will listen. They need to know that they won't always feel the way they do now, that things will get better, and that they will be loved and taken care of no matter what. Suggested Reading: Bart Speaks Out: Breaking the Silence on Suicide by Linda Goldman, M.S. Child Survivors of Suicide: A Guidebook for Those Who Care For Them by Rebecca Parkin with Karen Dunne-Maxim When Dinosaurs Die -A Guide to Understanding Death by Laurie Krasny Brown & Marc Brown The Grieving Child: A Parent's Guide by Helen Fitzgerald Talking About Death: A Dialogue between Parent & Child by Earl A. Grollman Copyright © 1996 by Tracy Pierson SAVE -Suicide Awareness Voices of Education Guidelines for Immediate Help From Close Friends in the Aftermath of a Suicide Everyone handles grief in his own way. It is a very personal thing. A mother, a father, a brother or sister, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends and neighbors. Each will grieve individually. It is helpful to keep this in mind. When there is a death of a loved one by suicide, be aware that there will be a depth and range of feelings. It is important to honor and respect the needs of the survivors in the days, weeks and months following the suicide. Often you may feel helpless in this situation. This list may prove to be helpful to you in understanding those things which may be comforting and those things which may not be helpful to the family. Some of these suggestions pertain to immediate needs– others are suggestions for the following weeks and months. DO: errands. • Respond honestly to questions asked by • Keep track of bills, cards, newspaper the family. You don't need to answer more than notices, etc. asked. If they want to know more, they will ask • Keep a list of medication administered later. Too much information too soon can feel (i.e., Sandy - aspirin 2x,1 PM) hurtful. • Offer to help with documentation needed • Surround them with as much love and by the insurance company. (They generally understanding as you can. require a photocopy of the death certificate, etc.) • Give them some private time. Be there, • Give special attention to the other but don't smother them. members of the family - at the funeral and in the • Show love, not control. If you make a months to come. person dependent upon you, you might both end • Allow them to express as much grief as up in a painful position. they are feeling at the moment and are willing to • Let them talk. Most of the time they just share. need to hear out loud what is going on inside • Allow them to talk about the special their heads.
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