THE BLUE AND WHITE Vol. VIII, No.II February 2002 Columbia University in the City of New York

A DESCENT INTO THE TUNNELS by Adam Valenstein BEGGING,THE QUESTION THE REHERSAL DINNER by Daniel Immerwahr &- Anand Venkatesan A Scene by Clare Ridley CONTENTS Columns 34 I ntroduction 39 B lu e J 4T C u r io C o lu m bia n a 45 T o l d B e t w e e n P u ffs 47 D ig it a l ia C o lu m b ia n a 54 C a m pu s G o s sip Features 36 Begging, the Question 38 The Rehearsal Dinner 43 Closet Transgressions 46 The Weed Room 47 Digitalia Columbiana 49 Poem 50 The Blue and White Investigates... 52 A Descent Into the Tunnels On the Cover: “Columbia Underground” by Mischa Byruck. 5 T ypographical N o t e The text of The Blue and White is set in Bodoni , Old Face, which was revived by Giinter Gerhard Lange based on original designs by Giambattista Bodoni of Parma (active 1765-1813). The display faces are Weiss and Cantoria. THE BLUE AND WHITE V o l. VIII New York, February 200a No. II THE BLUE AND WHITE A semicolon is, as we all know, neither a definite ending nor a Editor-in- Chief completely new beginning. It is a ANAND VENKATESAN, C’03 transition, and so it marks as no Publisher other mark of punctuation can the place CRAIG HOLLANDER, C’04 between two distinct but related passages. At least that’s what we’re suppose to believe after Managing Editor L&R. Rarely do we hit upon times or things DANIEL S. IMMERWAHR, C’02 which we might recognize as semi-colons in Senior Editors themselves: a balmy February day, the palate- RICHARD J. MAMMANA JR. C’02 cleansing third course of a meal, a pause in a ANGHARAD L. COATES, C’02 B. D. LETZLER, C’02 kiss to breathe, the first Blue and White of a RICHARD J. MAMMANA, JR. C’02 Spring semester. DAVID V. SACK, C’02 This number is the first to be published C. ALEXANDER LONDON C’02 under the direction of Editor-in-Chief Anand Editors Venkatesan and Publisher Craig Hollander. CLARE H. RIDLEY, C’02 (Literary) The two capable gentlemen receive the torch ADAM J. VALENSTEIN, C’02 from the outgoing Richard Mammana and EMILY E. VOIGT, C’02 David Sack, both seniors. The ghosts of editors MARIEL L. WOLFSON, C’02 emeriti give you permission to complain to the D. JEFF SOULES, C’03 (Webmaster) new editorial board if they don’t produce a PAUL HEYER, C’04 (Graphics) Blue and White as fine as their forebears. Q. AINSLEY ROSS, B’04 (Layout) While sitting on the Steps in your finest win­ Contributors ter tank tops and shorts, be sure to visit LARA WEIBGEN, C’02 Digitalia once again, along with Verily and ALEX ANGERT, C’03 lovely Blue Lady Jay. They’ve all returned. ROSANNA EUBANK. B’03 Alison! spent her break in Saskatchewan at a VUAY IYER, C’03 friend’s ordination to the diaconate, and CHRISTIAN W. BROWNRIGG, C’04 unfortunately found the wily ways of AMANDA CRAFT S’04 Saskatoon too enticing to return to New York MARGARET H. GRAM, C’05 just yet. But she still maintains an abiding Artists interest in the mental and sexual health of cen­ MISCHA BYRUCK, C’04 tral figures in the western literary tradition, and may well make another appearance this semester. Be sure to have a good look at the Weed Room (not what you think) and some­ thing Cuban from days gone by inside as well. The B&W invites contributions of original workfrom The OED doesn’t blush to define “winter” as the Columbia community and welcomes letters fo m “a time or state of affliction or distress,” but readers. Articles represent the opinions of their Mother Nature and the B&W are doing their authors. best to bring you something rather different Email: [email protected] this time around. (It was our idea, not hers). web site: http://www.columbia.edu/cu/bw Use your semi-colons wisely, soldiers. And be not afraid. Alma’s on [y]our side. ®

F e b r u a r y 1001 35 Begging, the Question by Daniel Immerwahr &- Anand Venkatesan s Columbia students, passing a beggar in opinion on giving to beggars - but in the A the street is de rigueur - as routine and opposite direction. Whereas in the past, I felt constant a part of our lives as swiping into our compelled by my conscience to give what I dorms, trudging up the steps of Hamilton, or could, some recent reflection has changed my passing through a subway turnstile. Such is the philosophy altogether. Still, I wonder if I am nature of life in a city at turns dazzling and doing the right thing. Here is an idea, George despairing. New York, all bluster and no tact, is - let us both put forth the case as strongly as truth unadulterated; one cannot ignore it for­ possible in favor of our current positions. ever. So, as often as we may pretend to ignore Then, let us offer criticisms of each other's the homeless individuals who plead, cajole, positions. In doing so, surely we will come to a and accost us as we go about our lives, none of better understanding of this issue. us can truly ignore the larger question: how, as George: It is agreed, Austin. I shall do my students and citizens, ought we react when best to convince you of the necessity of giving approached for change by the homeless? The to beggars. following dialogue examines the question. Austin: And I, of withholding donations from George: We are often approached by those in them. Let me begin by addressing the argu­ the street asking for money, and I admit that I ment you offered initially, which we shall call do not know the correct response. I thought the “utilitarian argument.” In it, you claim that that you might be able to enlighten me. one reason to donate is that a dollar will be Austin: Well George, what is your response more meaningful to a beggar than to you. when approached by a beggar? Surely, there is no point in arguing that. George: For a long while, I used to never give Knowing you as I do, George, I don't doubt any money. I did this because I believed that that you would spend that dollar taking a taxi giving would only encourage beggars, and that to class rather than walking, or in some other, if I were to not give any money, they would equally profligate, adventure; a beggar, on the just get a job, thus doing something useful other hand, might use it to purchase desper­ instead of begging. ately-needed food. This much may be true in Austin: You say this as if you have since theory, but is hardly so in practice. changed your mind? George: How so, Austin? George: I am not sure. Yesterday, when Austin: Well, if what I have heard so often is approached on the street, I thought to myself: true, then it is equally likely that the homeless “I have a lot of money, most of which I will will purchase alcohol or drugs as food with spend on things that are relative luxuries like your contribution. In this case, if you will for­ restaurant food, entertainment, and nice give my saying so, you seem to be killing with clothes. I could just as well get along on much kindness. Your dollar has in fact perpetuated less money, and give the rest away, making their indigence. But even supposing that they someone else much happier while still subsist­ do use your donation responsibly, it seems to ing myself” I wondered why I should not just me that in the long run, you have still done give away all of the money I have except for them a that which I would require to subsist, for sure­ disservice. If they are able to survive through ly there are some people without food or shel­ begging, what incentive have they to rejoin ter who would benefit greatly from my money. productive society? If nobody gave to the That is why I want to know what you do. homeless, would they not be forced to help Austin: Noble sentiments from a noble fel­ themselves? low, George. I too, have recently changed my George: Well Austin, that may be true.

36 T h e B l u e a n d W h it e Moreover, I have no easy way of knowing I can to help, not because I demand a service whether a beggar will, upon taking my money, in return, but because I genuinely care for go and buy food with it. I could go out and those in need. You may think I am deluding buy him or her food myself, but I fear that myself, Austin, but I would like to think that doing so may be arrogant on my part. Who am such interactions are possible. Regardless, I am I to tell a beggar what to do with his or her curious, after hearing what you have said, how money? you came to the decision not to give money on Austin: If I may interject, George. Let us say the street. that you are the head of a corporation dedicat­ Austin: Well George, perhaps I am more ed to philanthropy. Your job is to give money pessimistic than you are. After giving money to organizations in need. Let us then say that on the street, I kept seeing the same things after you choose and give money to the need­ over and over again - beggars manufacturing iest organization, that organization goes and disabilities and sob stories, doing anything spends the money in Las Yegas on gambling they could to separate me from my money. I and prostitution. Would you not feel that the asked myself, what would these people do company was breaking some sort of contract were they not able to subsist on my money? with you? George: Do you not think they would starve? George: Ah, Austin, you use the word 'con­ Austin: I'm not so sure, George. Consider: tract.' Surely I can imagine many situations in almost all of the beggars we see on the street which the relationship between beggar and are adult men, while the majority of the hun­ donor is a contract of sorts, but it does not gry in New York are women and children. have to be. George: What of it? Austin: There is where you are wrong. When Austin: Well, the women and children are you give money on the street, you are purchas­ certainly finding other forms of help, either ing a good, not giving away money. through employment, or through soup George: How so? kitchens, welfare, and other forms of struc­ Austin: You are purchasing peace of mind tured charity. If everyone on the street were and a clean conscience. Do not try to persuade to stop giving money, then the beggars would me that when you give money you do not feel not starve, they would instead either find better about yourself. jobs or go into such programs. Both of these George: That is true. alternatives are better than begging, because Austin: Then how can you think of the both get them off the street, and offer better relationship between beggar and donor as opportunities for health care, therapy, and anything other than a purchasing of peace of progress toward meaningful employment. mind? Moreover, because the “gift of money” George: But Austin, aren't you just dodging is a transaction and not a gift, why wouldn't responsibility for yourself? you demand that the beggar spend the money Austin: Not necessarily. I admit that when in the way that would give you the most peace I first came to this point of view, I did of mind? not worry too much about how those in need George: The answer to that is simple, Austin. would find support, I would prefer that my gift, whatever the moti­ but I have since decid­ vations behind it, be accompanied by a trust ed that if I am in and respect for my fellow human beings. I going to refuse worry that turning the relationship between to donate beggar and donor into a purely economic one, BEGGING as you suggest, would be detrimental to both cont. on pg 49 parties. While giving money on the street may not be the most effective form of charity, in terms of providing food and shelter, I see it as an occasion to have a meaningful interaction with another person, in which I am doing what illustration by Mischa Byruck

F e b r u a r y 2,002, 37 UKH ServicesVeth Our Doors are Open to Yoi

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38 T h e B l u e a n d W h it e BLUE J. River Locks: Mission Impossible

lue J looks forward to starting each school dents commiserate - between phone calls Bterm anew - perhaps not with quite the to HAPPY - on the folly of this new fangled same “whose homeroom will I be in?” excite­ system. After all, they had barely adjusted to ment that left her sleepless before her first days the VingCard. It is soon revealed that this “con­ in earlier years, yet she relishes the end of venience” added $720 to the cost of each River January just the same. New notebooks, new room - a figure that eerily brings to mind pencils, new classes, new syllabi, and even some certain black leather chaises in that metal-and- new feathered acquaintances. She happily flits glass contraption where Blue J checks her mail. from branch to branch with the wide-eyed To be fair, Blue J really ought to confess that wonder and determination that befit a bird she does receive a sort of feather-tingling thrill fresh from the long, carefree days of winter from the Mission Impossible-esque aura that break. We'll check back her high-tech entry system with Blue J mid-April. confers upon her humble, This term brought with twig-strewn room. Yet the it a new nest for Blue J - spy mystique is lost when in the recendy gutted and she returns from the glamorously restored shower with just a towel River Hall. River is every­ and dripping plumage, thing the Res Life and her passcode fails her, brochuse said it would leaving her stuck in the be, with one caveat. Blue hall naked as a... well, J learns upon check-in need we say it? that her door contains Yes, it occurs to Blue J software that needs to be that the problem with the programmed. Software? River lock system may be Blue J readily admits to that it isn't technologically taking nary a Computer illustrated by Craig Hollander advanced enough (and by Science class, yet even such a technology- technologically advanced,” Blue J means averse bird as she wonders what the words “remotely functional”). Certainly, as far as “door” and “software” are doing in the same security is concerned, it seems conceivably sentence. She begins to tremble as the URH easier to crack a River lock's code than to mold employee gives her a tutorial involving secret a traditional key in soap and whittle away at a codes, activation strips, and flashing lights. It piece of soft metal or hard wood (as the J has seems that her Columbia Card - hitherto hold­ heard it is done, back in her days in the pen). ing its own as keeper of dining dollars, flex- Blue J feels especially wary of the phone-in points, library fines, and museum admissions - temporary passcodes. Goodness knows there has taken on another task, and a major one at are at least a few nature-loving souls out there that: it is now her key to her nest! Blue J who have sought to imitate her melodious call! thought the Card had been handling its work This cautious bird finds herself wondering well. Could this be one responsibility too many about the comparative cost of retinal-scanning - the task that tips it over the edge? (As devices. After all, if URH knows it's soaring to Intensive Elementary Greek did to Blue J - the highest perch, why hop about on lower and her GPA - a while back?) branches and fool with a moderately fancy and Within days the student with a trouble-free vaguely extravagant intermediary system? ® portal is a rare bird indeed, and River's resi­ F e b r u a r y 1002 39 The Rehearsal Dinner by Clare Ridley

CHARACTERS Well I don’t want to tell her either. MARIE RAMSEY: The bride, 24 years old. I’m going to pass the phone to her. Invisible. No, don’t hang up. MARGARET RAMSEY: The mother of the How on earth do you expect me to tell a bride, 49. Her hair does not move throughout woman on the verge of mental catastrophe that the performance. the one — the only — entrée may or may not be poisonous, when we have sixty-four relatives... HAROLD RAMSEY: Marie’s father, Margaret’s I’m not telling her. You have to tell her. It’s husband. He is losing his hair. your job. End of story. Hold on, let me get her. Oh Jesus, Jesus why? Margaret? Maaaaaar- Scene I: Darkness onstage. The phone rings. garet? Phone’s for you. HAROLD picks it up. The lights stay off. (HAROLD hangs up. The lights come on, showing HAROLD a living room with a sofa, chairs, and a bar off to Hello? No, yes, this isn’t the Raymonds, it’s the the side, all swathed in competing floralpatterns. A Ramseys. You sound like John. Is this John? scream is heard.) Yes. No, this is Harold Ramsey, Margaret’s wife. HAROLD I mean husband. Never mind. Is the crab That’s why I didn’t tell her. It’s not my fault. I ready? I was told by my bride of twenty-seven didn’t spoil several hundred dollars worth of years that you’ve been marinating an enor­ crabmeat. Where in the world did I hide the mous amount of crabmeat, and yes, that it’s corkscrew? Margaret insists on keeping this arriving in a few minutes. house dry as a desert, while I. . . I am on the No? It’s not? "What do you mean? verge of begging Marie to reconsider — well, It’s gone bad? You think it might be fine? I’ve already urged her — to elope. We both Maybe? know... You’re not sure. (HAROLD pours a very strong drink.) You left it out? We both know that Margaret’s nerves absolute­ Am I dealing with a professional? ly cannot handle this. Will it be one or two John. You don’t understand. quarter lengths of lace? Will there — should Have you met my wife, Margaret? there be taffeta? No, there shouldn’t. Then Yes, she.. .yes, that description fits her exactly. THINK YOU’VE GOT PROBLEMS? LET US FIX THEM. Report non-emergencies online at www. Columbia, edu/cu/reshalls/maintenance Report emergencies only by phone at HAPPY or x4-2779 University Residence Halls

40 T h e B l u e a n d W h it e again maybe there should be. Oh, string taffe­ hearing this. No, I didn’t hear it. It isn’t hap­ ta from the skies, it’s such a lovely cloth! No, pening. Nothing? No one? NO!!!! that’s got to be overkill. No, now it’s too litde. HAROLD No, it’s an absolute wreck and take it all off. I Can you hear what else is going on in this don’t know how my daughter has kept breath­ room? Never mind my sanity. Let’s put my ing through all of this. twenty-seven year midlife crisis aside and (Enter MARGARET with cell phone, dialing.) focus on the present. What time are you get­ MARGARET ting here tonight? Come early. I’ve got a big, Julius. Julius. It’s Margaret. Margaret Ramsey. big favor to ask... Yes. Are you open? Thank God. I’ve got a big MARGARET favor to ask. No.. .no, it’s not that big. Do it for I am your slave, Julius. Your absolute slave me, right? It’s Mags. Julius I need an entrée for HAROLD about sixty four people. By six thirty, maybe Fill it with anything. I don’t care, as long as it’s seven. I know...I know...Let me tell you discrete. I don’t care what it tastes like. Give what... me battery acid. That’s what Margaret’s cook­ (Phone rings on house line. HAROLD picks up the ing usually tastes like anyway. receiver.) MARGARET HAROLD Anything in a folded crust, Julius. I don’t care Hello. Henry. what it tastes like, just let it be edible and MARGARET make sure there’s a garnish. I will pay anything. Anything you ask. HAROLD HAROLD Dear Lord let it be quick and not happen Fine. Fine. No, terrible. We’ve never been this twice. Thank God we only had one. bad. MARGARET MARGARET I know, I know. We’re so excited. It only hap­ Things are absolutely dreadful. pens once in a girl’s life, we hope! HAROLD (They hang up the phone and exit. Lights go out.) They’ve really never been quite this bad before. Marie, you remember Marie...Well, Marie is marrying a very sincere Southern Baptist tomorrow at ten thirty, and we—WE— cannot serve alcohol in our own home because they—THEY—think that liquor is the devil’s enabler. MARGARET We’re serving orange juice with soda water and a selection of lime and lemon slices...No, no champagne... HAROLD As if he needed an enabler.. Margaret, and I’ve got to talk quiedy.. Margaret is on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I’m doing everything I can to help but I think... (HAROLD gulps down his beverage.) MARGARET You can’t help me? You can’t help me out? Julius! I’m not hearing this. I’m absolutely not

F e b r u a r y 2,002, CURIO COLUMBIANA mong the many treasures of Butler's Rare Book and Manuscript Library are the papers of an American ambassador to Cuba's last administration. Herewith, the text of a letter by Fulgencio ABatista to the same. Not one word has been changed. Havana, June 13, 1957 this happened after McCarthy of the United Hon. Arthur Gardner Press “saw” Castro killed by my army. But the United States Ambassador to Cuba man guilty of finding Fidel Castro in the Sierra Havana Mountains was Herbert L. Mathews of The New York Times, who went there and inter­ Dear Arthur: viewed Castro, when I had been telling the I am in a desperate situation and need your world that Castro was dead and besides that, help once more. Every day thousands and my army had the Sierra under an air-tight thousands of Cubans are turning against me. I blockade, making it impossible for any news­ do not understand this because as you know, I paperman to obtain news. Mathews is the man have only tried to save them from communism. who has told the American people that my ene­ Even the professional associations, the mies are not communists, that they are patriots Chambers of Commerce and the Catholic fighting to get rid of the most cruel and brutal Organizations are calling me a brutal assasin dictator.... [sic] and compare my government with the What I want you to do, Arthur, my good regime of Hungary. Cardinal Arteaga of Cuba friend, is to lend me one or two H-bombs, and the Bishop of Santiago are also commu­ which I intend to drop on the Sierra, as I want nists, because they are against me. In fact, I to make sure that the next time I say Fidel think most of the Cuban people are turning Castro is dead, he is dead. I assure you, Arthur, communist. my good friend, that if your government sends I want to thank you for all your help in the me those H-bombs, the Cuban people are past and for the tanks, jet planes, flame throw­ going to like you much more than they have ers, napalm bombs and other nice weapons liked you, since you sent me the tanks, the jet which your government has sent to me, to keep planes, the flame-throwers, the napalm bombs the U.S.S.R. from invading the United States and some other litde things. I assure you I have and to make Cubans love me. They certainly never used these weapons against liberty lov­ love you for sending me those nice weapons. ing Cubans, but only against communists.... However, all those weapons are not enough, An important step I have already taken to and Fidel Castro has been found in the Sierra mop-up the rebels at the Sierra Mountains and mountains again and given lots of publicity in to protect the United States against an inva­ the United States by C.B.S. that communist sion, is the evacuation of about 7,000 families American radio and television company. All CURIO continued on pg 48 LABYRINTH BOOKS

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41 T h e B l u e a n d W h it e Closet Transgressions by Vijay Iyer here has been a conspicuous absence of ter. In the Middle Ages, any form of striping social criticism from the cultivated French (horizontal, vertical, or diagonal) was a mark hauteur in recent years, much to the detrimentof separation and practical excommunication Tof refined souls everywhere. The task of from Christian society. The Carmelite monks looking down one’s nose in order to put petty of thirteenth-century France, the first recorded bourgeoisie imitators in their place is not for Europeans to wear striped clothing, were the faint-hearted, after all. Michel Pastoureau branded “les freres barres” [the barred broth­ rises to meet this challenge in his latest work, ers] and suffered connotations of illegitimacy The Devil’s Cloth: A History of Stripes and Striped and diabolism. Indeed, stripes were consid­ Fabric (Columbia University Press, 2001). ered the mark of the devil and banned by Pope Although the cultured French school of Boniface VIII in 1287. Pastoureau draws Freudian criticism has given way to the age of important distinctions between the plain, the Maxim and scantily-clad teen pop stars, this patterned, the spotted, and the striped in early short, readable monograph offers a particularly modern Europe, noting the prevalence of hon­ interesting throwback to the era of destabiliza­ orific coats-of-arms and flags as contrasted tion and sexualization: a historical analysis of with speckled and striped clothing, which was the seemingly innocuous pattern of the stripe. associated with disease and immorality. In his To Pastoureau, the stripe becomes nothing less brevity (which, incidentally, the author attrib­ than an overt social device of punishment and utes to the fact that, “the stripe is such a separation, an aesthetic signifier in its own dynamic surface that it can only be covered at right. And once the reader chokes down the a run. . . a book devoted to stripes must show poor translation and overcomes the frustration itself capable of haste and swiftness”) of certain unexplored but tantalizingly vague Pastoureau neglects to flesh out many of his conjectures, Pastoureau’s historical and socio­ most interesting ideas, claiming that he has logical insights are laid the groundwork for the historian, who actually a refresh­ must now finish the task. Would the cultured ing change from reader expect anything less from the refined run-of-the-mill art French art critic? After all, no one ever called history. As a post- on Foucault or Barthes to really explain what Modernist French “the body as language” was all about. But I Symbolist, he cannot digress... help but indulge in Moving into the Renaissance, Pastoureau the occasional flight-of- discusses the evolution of the stripe into a fancy in describing his subject position of ambiguity, where it may represent matter (“in many ways the either societal transgression or a semi-neutral athlete is the wandering minstrel apartness, and not simply degradation. The of modem times”), but when fear in the Middle Ages (those crazy serfs!) of he returns to reality Pastoureau the stripe with its uncertain play of surface and presents an intriguing, if not background and dizzying sense of static always reasonable argument. motion was gradually replaced by a cool The role of the stripe is ana­ acceptance of its capacity for order. Vertical lyzed through seven centuries stripes enhanced the size of a small room, to the present day, tracking while horizontal stripes contained the lengthy changes in its role and charac­ width of castle walls. Coats-of-arms adopted

F e b r u a r y 2,002, 43 stripes in a secondary role to accentuate fore­ tual positive return to society is not ruled out. ground patterns. However, in many cultural Even relatively minor uses of stripes take on mediums, especially literature, stripes still important functions, such as the distinctive served to mark an untrustworthy character or blue and red flecks of an airmail envelope that central villain, most famously Ganelon in the mark it for special attention, or the Song of Roland. omnipresent product barcodes that are the The use of stripes in America during the symbolic embodiment of our material desires. Revolution of 1776 greatly changed European The post-Modernist movement has shown a attitudes toward stripes. Pastoureau remarks remarkable ability to dissect even the most that the stripe became associated with normal aspects of our society. Michel Anglophobia and republican values, producing Pastoureau contributes to this pseudo-anarchic the emblematic symbol of striped flags such as lust for uprooting disorder from the routine by the French Tricolor and, of course, our own destabilizing conceptions about the stripes national standard. Enlightenment thinkers that surround us in daily life. The Devil’s Cloth reformed values identified with stripes, from is a quick and enjoyable read that will satisfy aristocratic style and fashion to a rehabilitation both the budding semiologist and the casual of the zebra, which in the Middle Ages had roustabout looking to impress his girlfriend been considered a minion of Satan. next time at the Met. ® In modern times, the stripe connotes youth, activity, and freshness, though it continues to play an ambiguous role. Sailors’ naval stripes and striped children’s clothing act as indicators of good personal hygiene, a healthy medium between plain white and intricate pattern that seems to disguise filth. Pastoureau explains that the stripe has come to act as a metonymic filter, indicating access but cautioning that danger may lie behind. Black-and-white cross­ walks and red-checked railroad signs serve as partial barriers that signify both safe passage and discretion. Prisoners’ traditional uniforms illustrated by Christian Bnmmwigg separate and show transgression, but an even­

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44 T h e B l u e a n d W h it e TOLD BETWEEN PUFFS ake no mistake about it - Verily Veritas is honest questions. But somehow, he doubts that a stout believer in the necessity of rule his long-suffering associates wants to hear of Mand law. More specifically, Verily has alwayshis plans of becoming a professional dilettante. embraced a strict “anti-perspiration” edict, Here, the words of Wittgenstein seem appro­ which has compelled him to diligently priate: “Whereof one cannot speak, avoid strenuous activity in all of thereof one must be silent.” its forms. And so Verily, being a lover of This has been no easy task in truth, remains mute. But the the past. At the unabashedly question remains. Hali proletarian public high school burton once said, “Some Verily attended - home of the people have a perfect genius for best automotive education pro­ doing nothing, and doing it gram in the state! - he had to assiduously.” Verily assumes that busy himself with extracurricu- the eminent jurist and member lars in order to avoid falling into of the British House of modern indentured servitude (or, Commons - who knew a few as the politically correct call it, a things about rules - was speaking part-time job). There was his brief about graduate students. But as entic­ stint as Secretary of the Pocket-Billiards ing as a Masters in Bulgarian Feminist Society; a scandal while at the helm of the Postcolonialist Literature may be, Verily grows Fluxus Art Collective; and, of course, several weary of academic pretense. puissant performances during his tenure as the Verily wants to go out and change the world. Chairman of the Mao Appreciation Club. He wants to experience life. He wants to know Indeed, it has taken every ounce of Verily’s the feeling of making an honest living. Then, delicate mind to save the rather few pounds of he wants to go to graduate school. his delicate body. But with each passing day, In the intervening period, however, there is the impending doom of being sent off to the the matter of putting foodstuffs on the table. American version of the Russian gulag - the And so, chin up and chest out, resplendent in old 9 to 5 - hits closer to home. Verily, if you a fetching houndstooth jacket, Verily recently have not guessed already, is fretting about his set out in search of gainful employment. He “future.” bantered. He engaged in repartee (of the wit­ After several years as an undergraduate, one tiest variety). He exuded sophistication. grows accustomed to certain routines and lux­ He was ignored. After being scoffed at by uries that seem profane by a ‘real world’ stan­ harried secretaries and low-level functionaries, dard. As a rule, Verily can be found of a week­ Verily quickly grew despondent at his lack of day afternoon enjoying his own comfortable marketable skills: there were plenty of pro­ litde routine: arising at 2:15, shaving himself gramming positions, jobs for geriatrics, even with badger bristle brush and straight blade, work for his high school classmates who had breakfasting, donning trousers and shirt­ distinguished themselves in the automotive sleeves, and bouncing out the door to take in arts. But as for openings for budding social a lecture on the ancient Chinese art of milfoil critics and theorists, only a rebuke in the form stalk casting. of a quotation of former President John But alas, the jig is up, the scam exposed, the Adams: “Abuse of words has been the great free ride runneth out. This has become all too instrument of sophistry and chicanery, of party, evident to Verily, who has lately been assault­ faction, and division of society.” ed at every turn with that dread question: All of this is rather unfortunate for Verily, “What do you plan on doing after college?” As who considers the abuse of words not only his a rule, Verily believes in honest answers to VERILY continued on pg 48

F e b r u a r y 2002, 45 The Weed Room by Rosanna Eubank arnard has a distinguished and valuable tion to glass. Although primarily recognized Bsecret. Anyone who has ever attended an for his stained glass windows, his mosaics are information session, career panel, or class every bit as stunning. The Byzantine mosaics meeting in Milbank Hall’s Ella Weed Room has he had seen while traveling inspired him. undoubtedly let his or her eyes drift to the However he advanced the art by using his own fireplace. Its iridescence cannot help but merit materials and techniques. He worked with his attention and interest, not to mention its dra­ own embellished semitransparent glass layered matic contrast to the Pepto-Bismol pink walls. over foil, which produced the luminous effect. The mosaic mantelpiece was once the central He often mixed in other materials, such as element in Barnard’s initial library. The Ella mother-of-pearl and semi-precious stones. Weed Room was originally the striking Ella Tiffany Glass and Company was chosen and Weed Memorial Library. The room was artisti­ paid $2900.00 to design the entire Ella Weed cally furnished and designed by Tiffany Glass Room after competing against other prominent and Decorating Company, Louis Comfort decorating firms. Another reason that Tiffany Tiffany’s firm. Though he had various compa­ chose to pursue an artistic career divergent nies with various names, Tiffany was the fun­ from painting was his love of exquisiteness, damental force behind decorative components and he did not feel that painting sufficed. Glass and interiors such as financier J. Pierpont was only one part of the directions he took in Morgan’s home, the Seventh Regiment his pursuit of beauty. Tiffany had a deep inter­ Armory’s Veterans’ Room, the White House, est in aesthetic detail. In particular, he loved Princeton University’s Alexander Hall, the taking various seemingly independent ele­ Chicago Public Library, and numerous church- ments and incorporating them into a cohesive es. and aesthetically pleasing whole. His interiors Louis Comfort Tiffany was an artistic genius: reflect his success at taking elements influ­ simultaneously flamboyant and precise. He enced by both nature and various cultures and was originally a painter, but soon found that weaving them together. He also was able to oil paints did not satisfy his desire for lush coordinate all the technical components of an color and expressive light. He turned his atten- interior. The Ella Weed Library was one such room. Although not Tiffany’s most opulent illustrated by interior, it was nonetheless pleasing and mod­ Rosanna Eubank estly elegant. The original contract between Tiffany Glass and Decorating Company and Barnard College (found in the Barnard College Archives) lists chairs, tables, lighting, bookshelves, and ceiling decorations as well as the mantelpiece. Several period photo­ graphs show a distinguished library being used by early studious Barnard women. Today it is difficult to imagine the Ella Weed Room as an interior by one of America’s pre­ mier Gilded Age artists and designers. Nonetheless, the fireplace is a stunning and constant reminder of the history that disap­ pears and is forgotten. ®

4 6 T h e B l u e a n d W h it e DIGITALIA COLUMBIANA

ast month, The Blue and White introduced a newfeature entitled “Digitalia,” a selection of excerpts Lfrom papers, letters, and miscellaneous documents saved on computers in Columbia’s computer labs. Digitalia returns this month, as it will in thefuture. We encourage our readers to submit their own dig­ italia finds to us, via e-mail, at [email protected]. But in between the avocado tree climbing As a result of research, 52% of cyber crimes are and the Hemingway worshipping (and I've violated by teenagers and the increasing trend taken flak for my love of both), I spent nine is becoming faster and faster. In addition, years in Alpharetta, Georgia, my true home. recently “the Reset Syndrome” is being spread $ widely in the cyber world especially by teenagers. The name of “The Reset Syndrome” Basically she is much more modest, raw, hon­ is originated in the key that turns on a com­ est trying to contain an uncontainable grief (at puter. least thats the impression one gets) as opposed to king, the reverend, who gives the impres­ $ sion hed talk off the ear of anyone whod sit I apologize for the incredibly bad quality of still, filling it with self-aggrandizing bullshit or this paper, but I realize that it is virtually at least braggadicio— Im holier than thou, I'm impossible to say something meaningful on grievier than thou. this level in such a short time and space frame. <9 I realized about halfway through that there is no way to make sense of this topic without I know you said you would handle the AG but going into myriads of other topics and addi­ I wanted to make note of something. I was tionally without having the need arise for the browsing the “Weapons of Mass Destruction” reader to ask questions and respond. Oh well, group. Something really interesting I guess this is just me saying that I find most happened... written work to be useless since it is horribly $ stagnant. . . you always need people talking and interacting in order to make any idea work, In that section, Waterloo is never mentioned regardless of how well written it may be. by name. But this gnomon is perhaps the most Obviously since no one has solved any of the important word with regard to the nature of problems that any of the philosophers have the original sin. Parsing the word ‘Waterloo’ brought up using writing there’s just no way gives ‘water’ and ‘loo.’ ‘Water’ is clearly making yet known to express some kind of universal water—the act of urination—and ‘loo,’ the term truth in a comprehensible way through this for the restroom in British diction reinforces medium. this idea. The reformulation of Waterloo in I spent 4 days straight trying to make sense this passage is then a reformulation of the orig­ of this thing and got essentially nowhere, inal sin. though my notes on it are far more insightful $ than this is. So now I’m screwed in all my I miss creation and discovery. Each semester I other classes since I had to put off doing work witnessed the birth of spider web skyscrapers, and I’m about to get nothing good out of it founded on axioms and definitions, bound by either.. .‘can anyone do something when much theorems and their delicate, graceful proofs. effort brings only small return?’ -p. 160, (sort Almost unaware I would find myself immersed of) in a beautiful new world, wide with possibili­ unfortunately, yes...this is how most things ties but at the same time closed by thin, inter­ get done. connecting strands of reason

F e b r u a r y 2,00a 47 The beach stretched into the horizon where CURIO continued from pg 42 the red dust of the desert took its place. A dia­ of farmers from the Sierra area to the cities, in mond-backed slitherer asked me how I was order to stop the aid and comfort given by and when I tried to answer my father's voice those farmers to the rebels... My enemies claim told him that I was a failure. The devil frowned that the transfer of destitute farmers to the and bit me. cities means their starvation, since they have been cut off from their means of living, their crops, their animals and all their earthly pos­ History of Philosophy sessions. Prof. Wolfgang Mann They also say that the measure is so un­ Paper #2 human that when it was established by Weyler Question #1 in 1898, it so aroused public opinion in the You are an Uncreative Bastard United States against Spain that it was one of Write some fucking text. the main reasons why President McKinley and in t r o ... Aristotle builds a notion of akrasia the Congress, through that memorable Joint that responds to Socrates’s, in which blah and Resolution, declared war on Spain to make hrmph to schmoop. It begs the question of Cuba free. But I say this is all nonsense. influence on Stoics, whose construction of The fact is that there were no communists virtue and good suggest concurrence with a among Cuban rebels in 1898, while today all DUDE. my enemies are communists.... Aristotle’s view of incontinence is defined in Now Arthur, my good friend, please tell a way that suggests an incontinent man judges Dulles to send me those H-bombs....What wrongly. about the Cuban people? Never mind what $ they may think, they are all communists. I will Isolation of Elements Using Neutron burn every one of them alive with the won­ Activation: A Report on T-Rex and the Crater derful napalm bombs you gave me. I will take of Doom. care of them.... Send me those H-bombs, Arthur, and more $ and more people throughout the world will In the early history of art, artists were forced to know that the United States is the Champion conform to certain ideas of tradition believed for freedom and democracy in Cuba, just as to be necessary for the creation of exceptional well as in Hungary. art. However, as time evolved, many move­ And I know they will stop calling me the ments began to deviate from this tradition. # “most cruel and brutal dictator.” Yours, Fulgencio Batista, President of Cuba (By unanimous elecdon) VERILY continued from pg 45 area of expertise, but his raison d’etre. Naturally, the advertising racket suggests itself...but Verily believes in the afterlife, and has never been a fan of warm locales. But he is a scrappy fellow, with pluck and gumption and moxie and the gout. While the future is yet uncertain for Mr. Veritas, he is nonetheless confident that he will, catlike, land on his feet in some cushy office with ergonom­ ic chairs and European coffee tables. The job illustrated by Christian Brownwigg search continues. -Verily Veritas

T h e B l u e a n d W h it e BEGGING continuedfrom pg 37 money on the street, then I should be sure that Lilac Lightness food banks, governmental assistance, shelters, and the job market are providing for those I lilac lightless substance turn away. Now, instead of keeping the money of dusk outside my door for myself, I give it to charities that provide and past assistance to those in need. In fact, I give more my window ledge, edging now than I used to. at my white cotton curtains George: But how do you feel when you pass seeping damply, autumnally a beggar in the street? into my halogen study hole Austin: I feel sorrow, of course, due to the like the smell of wet and fallen leaves unfortunate situation they are in. But whereas climbing insidiously under when a homeless person used to ask me for the hem of my jeans change I would mumble guiltily and avert my and up the cuffs of my jacket sleeves gaze, I am at last able to look them in the eye remembering for me and respond, confident in the belief that I am small and precious hands doing so out of principle and not parsimony. digging down George: Well put. I’ve always felt guilty in the garden ground ignoring the homeless when they ask for eager and planting in the mist of a money. I don’t agree with all of your argu­ muffled wonder world ments, but I agree this far: if we truly believe -Christian Brownrigg we are acting morally - whichever stance we embrace - we should be able to look our fel­ low human in the eye when she speaks to us.#

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F e b r u a r y 2,002. 49 The Blue and White Investigates: Recently, the presidential search committee announced the selection of Lee C. Bollinger as successor to President Rupp. But how did the search committee come to its decision? The Blue and White, dedicat­ edjournalists that we are, did a little digging around and unearthed some interesting documents.

50 T he B lue an d W hite The Appointment of Lee C. Bollinger

F e b r u a r y aocn 51 A Descent Into theTunnels by Adam Valenstein

ruly, yes, how very arrogant I was! Giving some profane. Many a caveat leapt off the wall: directions to eager visitors, knowing the “Oooohhh man, LSD is no good down here!” Tfastest routes, and where to avoid the “highExamining a few other inscriptions, we found traffic” areas, oh dear! I even gave a tour of the the graffiti “Ad Hoc” in several places. “Dylan” campus. How did I come to believe that I had told us that they were a subversive group, such a good grasp of our campus’s layout, the years ago. Apparendy one of its members was wondrous arrangements of paths and build­ expelled from school for pilfering uranium ings that carve their ways into the hills of from the bowels of Pupin and inserting it into Morningside? Now, I am a humble man. I have his roommate’s alarm clock. seen something that makes me cringe at my Moving on the main path, we crossed a large own pride. The grandiose columns, the large, wooden plank, acting as a bridge over a deep grassy meadows, which so often shimmer in pit. The inscriptions and drawings continued; the light of day, can tell only a half-tale. Who some depictions, I believe, were done recently, knows what lies beneath the surface of our judging by the administrative figures in the campus? The Columbia underworld: intricate drawings. We came to a dead end. Our guide systems of tunnels, stretching hither and yon! used this time to tell us more about the histo­ Dark caves, impasses, pits, insects, filth—all har­ ry of the tunnels, demystifying common boring stories from a unique and untold past. mythologies, like those of the Minotaur, Scylla I traveled into their depths, with the aid of a and Charybdis, and the nefarious imp, who guide-friend. And I now hope to unravel a brings misfortune to every passerby. It became small number of my encounters with the sur­ increasingly apparent to me as we moved on reptitious Labyrinth, snaking below our feet. that the tunnels were quite complex and not But where do I begin? It was midnight, as a easily navigable. He led us to a few more dead few others and I waited patiently for our guide ends, stating our precise locations and conjec­ to arrive. When off in the distance I could see turing what was on the other side of the swipe- a white streak advancing rapidly in our direc­ access-only doors. tion. “Dylan” had arrived, brimming with con­ After so many dead ends, our fearless leader fidence, yet also displaying a subtle unease: no guided us to the underground power plant, doubt in anticipation of the events to come. which he described as being “three football Introductions were kept short, as we were fields in length.” It was a massive, quaking cav­ hard-pressed for time. Our guide led us down ern wrought with machinery that sputtered several flights of stairs in Mudd and then down steam and exhaust. We all gazed in marvel that several corridors, where we finally reached an such a tremendous operation exists below unsuspecting door. Without hesitation, the campus. “Dylan” led us to a far comer and brave group crossed under the doorway and warned us that we would need our flashlights. into an unknown realm. One could even feel The darkness was stifling and the floors of the the difference as a hot, thick breeze of air tunnels were covered in water. So we balanced brushed our faces. The subterranean tunnels ourselves rather precariously on a set of old did not look friendly; the walls were lined with tracks, which, some time ago, were used to vein-like tubing, carrying I know-not-what off transport coal to the furnaces. We walked on in into the invisible distance. Walking down this the darkness and the tunnels underwent a tunnel in a single file, we first laid eyes upon transformation: loosing all semblances of the “Poet’s Comer.” The room was small and human craftsmanship, they began to look nat­ narrow, lined with inscriptions, some poetic, ural. Water trickled down from the ceilings

5 2 T h e B l u e a n d W h it e onto the walls, forming large mineral deposits. But as our flashlights cast their blinding stares “Dylan” led us to one sublime and enchanted across the walls and ceilings, we saw how pow­ area through a narrow crawl space. We hiked erful the beast of fire had been. All surfaces quickly over a cave-in, a mess of rubble and had been cracked and beaten by flaming tem­ soot, into a private annex. The walls were peratures; they were scorched and blackened. lined with rich minerals from floor to ceiling, We all looked around with curiosity. I couldn’t giving the tunnel a wholly organic visage. help but feel nervous, as a vision of immeasur­ Although pleasing to the eye, few of us dared able fire entered the forefront of my mind. I to touch the deposits. Only by accident did left the room before everyone else. The fur­ someone press his face against the wall: “A less nace was like an inactive volcano from days of than pleasing experience,” he later said. yore, but it still carried enough heat to light a The next obstacle was treacherous. Ahead of fire under my composure. us, there was a large pond. Our guide skipped “Dylan” decided that the time had come for across various bricks and pipes, with the sure us to leave the tunnels. We twisted through the footing of a mountain goat. The group lagged darkness and fumbled towards a lit room. The behind, trying to discover the path our nimble air was cooler there and we began to feel relief. leader had followed. Members of the group The last obstacle now confronted us, scaling a became slightly disquieted, as one of us let his twenty-foot wall so as to avoid an armed door. foot slide into the stagnant cesspool. By this I remember now climbing up a pipe, and then time, we were weary and filthy. We had been leaping across a small gap. We were on some underground for only thirty minutes. “Dylan” kind of catwalk that looked down upon a dif­ assured us that the next sight was worthwhile. ferent section of the power plant. I noticed It was. A long ventilation shaft reached toward how dirty I was and laughed ay my compatri­ the sky, opening up to the starry night. Only ots, smeared with filth as well. “Dylan” opened one of us could fit into the space at a time, and the last door for us. We stood on the first floor soot flew upwards at great speeds, so we had of Lewisohn. We had traveled less than one to keep our eyes half-closed. This site gave me quarter of the vast loop that circumscribes the sense of exacdy how deep we were under­ campus! ground and I quivered at the thought (many, Plunging into the crisp night air, we gathered many a league). around in a circle. Our guide was eager to visit We backtracked toward the power plant, on a few more locations, but the burden of our our way to the coal room. This room served as travels lay heavily on the rest of us. It was there a source of that we all parted ways. I wandered home in a power for a strange stupor, not knowing what to make of fledgling my journey. The tunnels, so intricate, delight­ Columbia. In ful, enigmatic and terrifying, filled my every itself, the thought. Most students finish their careers room was here, not knowing the vast subterranean terri­ quite small.. tories that Columbia conceals. I know that our campus has a distinct subconscious, not well traveled by its students. I know that whenever I’m on the bottom floor of a building on cam­ pus, I’ll see every door in a new light. Emerging from the cavernous tunnels, after mucking my way through slop and slime, I feel better as a Columbian, prouder as a student here, knowing full well that few have seen or will see the depths of Morningside. I would advise a trek to all those men and women illustrated by Paul Heyei strong of heart and spirit. ®

F e b r u a r y 2001 CAMPUS GOSSIP “Go have sex with your mom and then come Taken from the John Jay suggestion board: back here and tell us you don't feel kinda nuts.” “Please, do not burn the sweet potatos and try - Dr. Stuart Taylor's departure from formal dis­ to pass them off as ‘Cajun.’” course to counter the dogged, frequendy ver­ “You suck!” balized skepticism of one of the male students “I want a brownie, but I'm allergic to nuts. -Liz” in his weekly Freud seminar. ans: “We'll try getting nut-free brownies. But every lady needs a nut or two in her life.” The triumphant return of The Blue and White <9 was met on campus with shock, then tears of Prof. Dalton, on listening to mediocre modern- joy, and finally...projectile vomiting? Not more day politicians: than fifteen minutes after cracking open the “I'd rather be asleep outside the door of a first box of magazines, several staff members Moscow hotel room.” observed a young gentleman twenty yards fur­ ther down College Walk, vomiting prodigious­ $ ly, and persistently. Viewers were amazed not Eager German students signing up for a course only by the nearly two minute length of the listed with the registrar as “Berlin: Past and performance, but by the preternatural calm Present (GER)” expecting a literature course exhibited by the performer. Such poise! Such on German history were mildly surprised to bearing! Such carriage! learn that the full tide of the class was, in fact, The Blue and White — working to cure indiges­ “Berlin: Past and Present: Berlins tion (of all kinds) on campus! Schwulenszene”(Berlin: Past and Present: Berlin's Gay Scene). Those anticipating adis- cussion of architecture and memory were While discussing technological transfer instead treated to a video ofthe Christopher between societies, Professor Bulliet noted the Street Parade, featuring a stunning phallic float rejection of chopsticks by Western society at carrying fully bare satyrs, gyrating to the large. This piqued the interest of one “Lifelong sounds of German disco. Gott sei Dank! Learner,” who blurted out, “I think it's because Chinese people can just use them better. I <9 don’t think there's any way Americans could Much to his surprise, one BMW’er found all his really learn how to use them properly.” Bulliet adolescent trauma sweeping back over him paused a second, then replied, “Well, you upon meeting his new P.E. instructor, who for­ might be retarded — I know I just learned to merly taught gym at our intrepid staffer’s mid­ use them a few years ago, and I manage just dle school and high school. “Run faster, boy, I fine. If you can just get one thing out of this remember you from before you hit puberty.” class, maybe it will be a commitment to learn­ Crikeys! ing how to use chopsticks.” <9

54 T h e B l u e a n d W h it e Last semester's Orchesis performance found The following gem from Prof. Kenneth Dean Austin Quigley in high spirits. With his Jackson’s acclaimed Encyclopedia of New York copy of The Blue and White in hand, he waved, City, page 413: “Fish, Preserved, (b. pointed, and fluttered around the room, his Portsmouth, RI, 3 July 1766; d. New York City, nuanced hand gestures conveying the deep 23 July 1846). Whaling captain and merchant. meaning of his words. With its heavy stock He worked as a merchant in New Bedford, paper, potential for reliability, and witty Massachusetts, before moving to New York columns, The Blue and White remains the top City. There he formed a partnership in 1815 choice of Columbia Administrators for all their with his cousin Joseph Grinnell, also a mer­ gesticulatory needs. chant from New Bedford, with whom he sold whale oil and then acquired ships and organ­ ized packet lines to Liverpool and London. He “Prof. Carol Rovane, on Paul Grice's model of retired from the firm in 1826 and succeeded communication: “Can I just say one thing? Stephan Allen as president of the Tradesmen's Kids can't do this until they're like five years Bank in 1829. Active in politics, he was a old, and some monkeys can. This really pisses leader of the free trade movement in New York some people off...” City and a prominent Jacksonian Democrat In response to this fine bit of wisdom, who joined the Whig Party during the specie Anthropology major A.K. Gold quotes Prof. crisis of 1837. Born a Quaker, Fish became an Ralph Holloway, quoting anthropology profes­ Episcopalian during the last years of his life.” sor Milford Wolpoff of UMich: “Some people $ get all up in arms when they hear that we share approximately 98% of our DNA LERNER IN THE NEWS: sequence with chimpanzees. For God's sake, Cleveland Browns owner - and Lerner Hall we share 59% of our sequence with a banana!” namesake - A1 Lerner, responding to the news that during a recent NFL game, fans in $ Cleveland bombarded the field with half-full MORE FROM THE BULLIET FILES beer bottles and other debris after a bad call: (Professor Bulliet, would you like a column?): “Everybody controlled themselves considering “You shouldn't underestimate the psychosen- that they had spent 60 minutes in cold weath­ sual effects of caffeine. I remember when my er.” Any other thoughts, Mr. Lerner? “It wasn't doctor told me to quit drinking coffee, it was pleasant,” he continued. “I'm not going to sug­ unbearable. The next few days were like driv­ gest anything like that. But it wasn't World War ing through Nebraska. There was no happiness, III.” One more reason The Blue and White no sadness, no anger, no excitement—a com­ won’t be visiting Cleveland anytime soon... plete absence of any emotional affect.” (with % emphasis on the ‘aff in affect, as if ‘ahhf) “Towards the very end of the fifteenth century, two eunachs shared the immense purchase Overheard at the Hotel Belleclaire prior to price of 40,000 ounces of silver for the collec­ Columbia's first annual Model United Nations tion of Mu Zong, descendant of one of the conference: Ming founder’s favourite generals and practi- High School Male #1: “I only have this one caUy autonomous ruler of the southwestern pair of khakis for the whole weekend.” frontier province of Yunnan. The share of one High School Male #2: “Don't worry about it. of these eunachs (who, of course, had no It's not like we're going to a conference at direct progeny) passed to a nephew, who was Harvard or Princeton.” himself also probably a eunach, and then to $ his younger brother” - From Superfluous Things, Craig Clunas

F e b r u a r y 2,002, 55 A stack of boxes was seen being loaded into DEPARTMENT OF HYPERBOLE: From an the John Jay dining hall with the following exhibit in Avery concerning damage to books, message printed on the sides: “Grade B meat. the following sign, placed next to a stack of Good for hospitals, colleges, and jails.” Is atrophying books: “Massacre or Ineluctable someone making a statement here? Self Immolation? What is happening to the $ books printed on wood pulp paper is not a Prof. Matthew Jones: “The exam will be, like massacre, but a degenerative process caused Gaul, divided into three parts.” With all due by the inherent vice of the materials.” respect, our intrepid staffers prefer tests based k on the postwar Berlin model—four sectors, but THE PLEASURES OF THE WITHDRAWN two don’t really count. BOOKS OF BUTLER: $ A few index index entries from Yerily’s latest Burns Day, marking the birthday of the book withdrawal: Silvia Kalvik, “The Cooking Scottish national poet Robert Burns, was cele­ of Estonia,” Tallinn: Perioodika, 1984. Not a brated recently in an EC high-rise suite. In country to visit on an empty stomach, it seems: keeping with long-standing British tradition, Salted Baltic Herrings, 50 liberal quantities of Scotch whiskey were Salted Baltic Herring Casserole, 47 imbibed, British food consumed, and rendi­ Salted Baltic Herring Cakes & barley-groats, 48 tions of Burns' verse were delivered in various Salted Baltic Herring Filling, 24 states of inebriation. A rousing “Auld Land Salted Baltic Herring Pancakes, 48 Syne” was heard (of which oft-hackneyed ditty Salted Baltic Herring Rolls, 47 Burns is the lyricist), as was a fitting anthem Salted Baltic Herring Salad, 48 - 49 for the evening, the fabulous alcoholic ode Salted Baltic Herring Sauce, 47 “Scotch Drink.” (On that evening's evidence, Salted Baltic Herring Soup, 45 The Blue and White highly recommends the Salted Baltic Herring Soup 8c barley-groats, 45 Oban 14-year single malt.) The Blue and White Salted Baltic Herrings with Pork Fat, 47 eagerly awaits next year's observance of Burns Salted Fish Cakes, 48 Day, and the ensuing disappearance of more Salting Baltic Herrings, 50 Scotch Drink. $ $ In a characteristically democratic gesture, In an explication of the “Spinoza Controversy” Travis Scholtens (tpsl2), sent an e-mail out to during the first meeting of his course all other Columbians sharing his UNIX on Hegel's Phenemenology of prefix “tps” and suggested that they Spirit, Prof. Taylor Carman should band together to elect a mused that he wished he had leader. Garnering only one a copy of Goethe's response, and that not in the “Prometheus” on hand to form of a vote, Travis remains read to the class. A gentle the de facto monarch of the voice to the good profes­ tps’ers, and the prime sor's immediate left piped informant for The Blue and up: “I have it,” and quickly White when covering any tps- passed a copy of the poem to related story. a much-surprised Prof. Carman. <9 Joel B. Lande: Gentleman and Scholar. Lechters...good riddance! ® 4

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