THE BLUE AND WHITE Vol. X No. V April 2004 Columbia University in the City of New York AT TWO SWORDS’ LENGTH by Craig Hollander & Caleb Vognsen FIZZLED OUT CONVERSATION by Hector Chavez WITH DAVID MCKENNA CONTENTS Columns 127 Introduction 128 Campus Characters 131 Blue J 132 Curio Columbiana 133 Book Review 134 Measure for Measure 138 Conversation 143 Told Between Puffs 144 Digitalia 146 Booze Humanities 147 Lecture Notes 150 Culinary Humanities 151 Campus Gossip Features 136 Fizzled Out 141 Fiction 148 At Two Swords’ Length 149 Advice for the Ambitious Cover by Michael Mallow Typographical Note The text of The Blue and White is set in Bodoni Old Face, which was revived by Günter Gerhard Lange based on original designs by Giambattista Bodoni of Parma (active 1765–1813). The display faces are Weiss and Cantoria. 126 The Blue and White April 2004 127 THE BLUE AND WHITE Vol. X FAMAM EXTENDIMUS FACTIS No. V eading the newspaper just Editor-in-Chief keeps getting harder, it CARA P. RACHELE, C’05 seems. Afghanistan. Madrid. Publisher Haiti. Gaza. Iraq. With HECTOR R. CHAVEZ, E’06 struggle and sorrow rolling off the presses and stream- Managing Editors ing down the wires, it’s a miracle that anyone AINSLEY T. ROSS, B’04 gets out of bed at all. But the Columbian CALEB K. VOGNSEN, C’04 behemoth lumbers forward, insensibly, in Editor Emeritus her springtime rhythms. The seniors will take CRAIG B. HOLLANDER, C’04 the swim test, hung over, at the last possible second, and professors will presciently base Senior Editors their finals on the one chapter we didn’t read. ISAAC VITA KOHN, C’04 MICHAEL S. PAULSON, C’04 You can set your watch by the replanting of South Lawn, and rest assured that this year, Editors too, inebriated Commencement celebrants MICHAEL Z. MALLOW, C’05 (Graphics) will trample it. DANIEL R. PALUCH, C’05 (Webmaster) Perhaps that’s as it should be (except for ZACHARY H. BENDINER, C’06 the resodding, which is just plain wasteful), MAX H. DiLALLO, C’06 but we are not entirely content. The Blue and Contributors White has seen classmates braving both blus- ANNA K. E. BULBROOK, C’04 tery days and blowhard companions to debate ERICA S. DeBRUIN, C’04 issues dear, and it is in celebration of intelli- ALLEN T. O’ROURKE, C’04 gent contretemps that we humbly present our I. DAVEY VOLNER, C’04 Conflict Issue. JOSHUA W. BOOTH, C’05 In case you’re in need of something new to CHASE M. BEHRINGER, C’06 go on about, Blue J is still squawking, this JOSEPH S. DINKIN, C’06 time about the deplorable condition of Low DAVID J. KIM, C’06 AJAY G. KURIAN, C’06 Plaza. Pontius Palate is up in arms about what PAUL C. MAZZILLI, C’06 may go down our throats. Looking for more MICAH SPRINGUT, C’06 familiar themes? Check out Craig Hollander ELIZABETH FERGUSON, C’07 and Caleb Vognsen’s fair and balanced treat- NICHOLAS B. B. FRISCH, C’07 ment of Columbia’s expansion plans in “At AVI Z. ZENILMAN, C’07 Two Swords’ Length.” Avi Zenilman, our investigative ingénue, has compiled his notes on the Columbia College Student Council election in “Advice for the Ambitious.” It’s an essential read for those plotting regime change under the Harrison hegemony. King Solomon, who saw a fair patch of trouble himself, said there is a time to keep The B&W invites contributions of original work silence and a time to speak; Alma’s presided from the Columbia community and over both this semester. Voiceless protest is welcomes letters from readers. Articles represent the opinions of their authors. commendable, but The Blue and White prefers to have the last word (or several), and we e-mail: [email protected] hope you’ll enjoy these. website: http://www.theblueandwhite.org/ 126 The Blue and White April 2004 127 Campus Characters ou might not know the following figures – but you should. In Campus Characters, The Blue and YWhite introduces you to a handful of Columbians who are up to interesting and extraordinary things, and whose stories beg to be shared. If you’d like to suggest a Campus Character, send us an e-mail at: [email protected]. Ganesh Betanabhatla Columbia’s campus and judged the liberals to Before he turns twenty, Ganesh Betanabhatla be out of touch with reality. His story of feel- (C’06) will have held meetings with Karl Rove, ing disillusioned with the pervading campus written speeches for Senator Chuck Hagel, politics, and fighting back, is a story to be told and appeared on MTV’s Rock the Vote. And this summer on an episode of MTV’s Rock the this summer, Ganesh will serve as the Area Vote. Deputy Director for the Republican National Now heading up the College Republicans, Convention, a position which gives him a staff Ganesh has significantly expanded its role on of over a hundred people, and perhaps more campus and greatly increased its membership. political clout than any teenager in the coun- He has also secured Columbia as the sight of try. Holding meetings with corporate heads, the Republican National Youth Summit. Last millionaire lobbyists, and Republican officials summer, while working for Senator Chuck (Rove and Republican National Committee Hagel of his home state of Nebraska, he drew Chairman Ed Gilespie included) in order to up the framework for a congressional bill to create the next Republican Party platform will consolidate Medicare and Medicaid. As for be a young man who failed seven times to win his career, nothing but the presidency seems election to his high school student council. beyond Ganesh’s reach, and only because of However, this is somewhat understandable the constitution (he was born in India) and given that Ganesh’s speaking style — polite, his name (too long for a placard). —MSS eloquent, and filled with conviction but with- out a trace of bombast — is more appropriate for an interview with Jim Lehrer than for win- ning the votes of vacuous pop-culture teens. Ganesh maintains that words were never his strength until he joined the high school debate team, but after winning the national championship in extemporaneous speaking his senior year, his claim is at least a little suspect. Ganesh is rapidly emerging as a major leader in the grassroots Republican movement that has spread across the country. “I am one of a new brand of people,” declares the presi- dent of Columbia’s Bush reelection campaign, “who possess what many consider in college to be cynicism, but what I consider to be a pragmatic dose of compassionate conserva- tism.” If the scowling Dick Cheney repre- sents an unbearable form of Republicanism, Ganesh, often beaming a smile, represents a digestible and mellifluous one. Originally a moderate Democrat, Ganesh turned towards Illustrated by the Republican Party when he arrived on Ajay Kurian 128 The Blue and White April 2004 129 Matthew Harrison The voters also seemed to sense that Matthew Oversized glasses. Nasal voice. Awkwardly was a sincere and principled person. To illus- tucked-in shirt. Wild, staccato gesticulations. trate, during the Fed cartoon fiasco, Matthew Columbia College, that’s Matthew Harrison, dressed in black and protested racism every C’05 — your new Student Council President. day on the Steps. At the time, I warned him No, he doesn’t look the part. And, yes, he does that he looked like he was shamelessly pander- resemble a post-pubescent Harry Potter (see ing to get votes. “Matthew,” I implored, “you’re accompanying portrait). But resist the tempta- a white boy from Texas. Nobody’s going to tion to give him a wedgie; this boy has power believe you’ve been silenced by racism.” He now. How, you wonder, did that happen? unhesitatingly responded, “So then I won’t Considering that Matthew looks like he get elected. Big deal. I’m going to support this would blow over in a stiff wind, his campaign cause.” Maybe, just maybe, democracy does advisors quickly ruled out staging a coup work. d’état. Matthew, they decided, would have to But enough about the past. You want to get elected democratically. And for Matthew, know how the newly-acquired power has who is an admittedly bad politician, that was affected our President-elect. By some accounts, no easy task. For one thing, he is prone to Matthew has become drunk on success (and slashing people with his rapier wit. A student Jack Daniels) and has been observed channel- council member, for instance, once referred to ing his momentum violently. Indeed, accord- a professor as a “preeminent scholar.” Matthew ing to the B&W ’s resident information whore, tactlessly blurted, “So he’s not eminent yet?” Avi Zenilman, Matthew belligerently tries to On other occasions, Matthew outright refused pick fights with other nerds (like Avi) at par- to participate in Columbia’s political arena. ties. Our new Editor-in-Chief, Cara Rachele, When, for example, he was asked a particularly recalls that Matthew recently burst into her stupid question during the candidate forum, room and began ripping books from her shelf. he simply declined to answer it. “Whatever,” Gripping feminist classics like Sylvia Plath’s he shrugged, “I don’t have an articulate answer The Bell Jar and Helen Fielding’s Bridget to that question.” Luckily, the electorate found Jones’ Diary, he insisted, “These books need his candidness refreshing. to be liberated from the pretension of your bookshelf.” And rest assured that Matthew has retained his trademark wit. Consider, for example, his only contribution to the ficti- tious timeline that the B&W authored for the Varsity Show playbill: “1941: the Manhattan Project is created and begins researching nuclear fission in the Pupin laboratories.