March 2004 Columbia University in the City of New York

THE BLUE AND WHITE Vol. X No. IV March 2004 Columbia University in the City of New York

PERSONAL ADS by The Blue and White Staff CIUDADANO PERDIDO PARIS REVIEW by Hector Chavez by Allen O’Rourke CONTENTS Columns 99 Introduction 101 Campus Characters 105 Book Review 106 Measure for Measure 109 Blue J 112 Curio Columbiana 115 Told Between Puffs 116 Digitalia 118 Booze Humanities 119 Lecture Notes 122 Culinary Humanities 123 Campus Gossip Features 100 Resolution 10.4 103 Casa Totalitariana 104 Un Ciudadano Perdido 108 Incommunicado Communicated 110 Paris Review 116 Model UNcovered 120 Personal Ads  Cover by Cara Rachele  Typographical Note The text of The Blue and White is set in Bodoni Old Face, which was revived by Günter Gerhard Lange based on original designs by Giambattista Bodoni of Parma (active 1765–1813). The display faces are Weiss and Cantoria.

98 The Blue and White March 2004 99 THE BLUE AND WHITE Vol. X FAMAM EXTENDIMUS FACTIS No. IV ur esteemed President Bollinger Editor-in-Chief has been country-hopping CRAIG B. HOLLANDER, C’04 recently. And while he was off Publisher surveying sites in Ghana for ISAAC V. KOHN, C’04 Biosphere iii and withdraw- ing Columbia’s wwii- era deposits from Managing Editors Switzerland, the closest we got to going AINSLEY C. ROSS, B’04 abroad was the Hungarian Pastry shop. But CALEB K. VOGNSEN, C’04 rest assured that this foreign-themed B&W Editors will relieve your craving for the world beyond MICHAEL S. PAULSON, C’04 (Literary) Manhattan Isle. CARA P. RACHELE, C’05 (Graphics) First, check out Avi Zenilman and his gang DANIEL R. PALUCH, C’05 (Webmaster) of international-relations nerds as they torture ZACHARY H. BENDINER, C’06 impressionable youths in “Model UNcovered.” MAX H. DiLALLO, C’06 Then, in “Incommunicado Communicated,” Zachary Bendiner and Paul Mazzilli have a Contributors frank discussion with the editors of sipa’s ANNA K. E. BULBROOK, C’04 (intentionally) funny publication. Speaking ERICA S. DeBRUIN, C’04 of frank, Allen O’Rourke shares undiluted TELIS G. DEMOS, C’04 thoughts on French life in “Paris Review” – THOMAS E. GORMAN, C’04 not to be confused with Telis Demos’ book ALLEN T. O’ROURKE, C’04 review on the collected works of the Paris I. DAVEY VOLNER, C’04 Review’s George Plimpton. And who could MATTHEW P. HARRISON, C’05 forget those Italians? In “Wheeler-Dealer,” SCOTT HARTMAN, C’05 Pontius Palate reveals some holes in Italian MICHELLE LEGRO, B’05 cheese security, and in “Casa Totalitariana” MICHAEL Z. MALLOW, C’05 CHASE M. BEHRINGER, C’06 the B&W exposes some skeletons in the clos- HECTOR R. CHAVEZ, E’06 ets of the Casa Italiana. There’s also some AJAY G. KURIAN, C’06 material for the xenophiliacs amongst you: PAUL C. MAZZILLI, C’06 read Hector Chavez’s article, “Un Ciudadano MICAH SPRINGUT, C’06 Perdido,” and about our campus character, ELIZABETH FERGUSON, C’07 Sylvia Banderas. And, instead of mailing away NICHOLAS B. B. FRISCH, C’07 for your bride, why not save the postage and DANIEL WANG, C’07 peruse the B&W personal ads? AVI Z. ZENILMAN, C’07 In this issue, our beloved Chief also con- fronts what was, for him, a previously foreign concept – relinquishing power. As King Lear  lamented, “it is our fast intent to shake all cares and business from our age, conferring them on younger strengths, while we unbur- dened crawl toward [graduation].” Craig is, The B&W invites contributions of original work indeed, handing over the Bodoni Old Face from the Columbia community and typeset to his successor, Cara Rachele, C’05. welcomes letters from readers. Articles represent the opinions of their authors. She, in turn, has appointed Hector Chavez, E’06, to Publisher. A girl and an engineer e-mail: [email protected] running the B&W ? And you thought we were website: http://www.theblueandwhite.org/ oblivious to affirmative action!  98 The Blue and White March 2004 99 Resolution 10.4 (2004) Committee: Executive Board of The Blue and White Topic Area: The Peaceful Transfer of Power

Taking into account that Mr. Hollander is well past his editorial prime; has lost his passion for gossip and libel; despondently refers to freshmen writers as “digitalia-wells”; and can no longer satisfy the female staff members “man-wise”, Recalling that Mr. Hollander recently requested an audience with B&W staff members Michael Mallow, Daniel von Paluch, and Cara Rachele so that he might choose a worthy successor, asking, “Which of you shall we say doth love me most?”, Replying, Mr. Mallow: “I think my love for you is like a run-on sentence which is a cramming together of so many parts like hotdogs or postmodernism but put it all together, the result is still less than what is required because a run-on sentence is not a complete sentence and hot dogs are not nourishing and postmodernism gets you sex, money, and respect but not security and all of this that I have crammed on the bad side of one period is still somehow less than what is deserved.”, Exclaiming next , Herr Paluch: “Ich liebe dich weil du wie ein Erdmännchen aussiehst.”, And drawling, Miss Rachele: “Honey, I’ll give you a liter of mash whiskey and a refreshing mint julep for the position.”, Proclaiming triumphantly that Cara P. Rachele, a heretofore unimportant student of architecture, will assume the awesome powers of the B&W Editor-in-Chieftainship!,

1. Notes with relief that the Hollander Terror is over. According to “Declaration of the Rights of Paul Mazzilli,” editors can no longer guillotine, rewrite, and publish submissions without the author’s consent; 2. Reaffirms Miss Rachele’s pledge not to purge the B&W of Hollander loyalists, as they are merely a crew of harmless drunks; 3. Calls for Publisher Chavez to purchase a nearby pasture, perhaps in New Jersey, so that Mr. Hollander may be put out to stud. Any attempt to send him to a glue factory will be met with stiff resistance; 4. Strongly urges Miss Rachele to take a vow of celibacy, as there is no longer any need for her to whore herself up the editorial ladder; 5. Requests that Miss Rachele and her newly-appointed cohort of gentile editors refrain from referring to her usurpation of power from the Semitic overlords Craig Hollander, Isaac Kohn, Caleb Vognsen, Ainsley Ross, and Michael Paulson as the Coup de Jew ; 6. Decides to remain seized of the matter.

Cara Rachele Craig Hollander Editor-in-Chief Editor-in-Chief 2004 – 2005 2003 – 2004

100 The Blue and White March 2004 101 Campus Characters ou might not know the following figures – but you should. In Campus Characters, The Blue and YWhite introduces you to a handful of Columbians who are up to interesting and extraordinary things, and whose stories beg to be shared. If you’d like to suggest a Campus Character, send us an e-mail at: [email protected]. Sylvia Banderas grants living and working in America. Her Certain people have life stories that can Kluge grant funded a documentary video of make them seem more like an allegory than an Mexican immigrants who lost their jobs when individual person. But, in spite of the “Horatio the Twin Towers fell, but who don’t qualify for Alger thing,” as she calls it, Sylvia Banderas, relief because they have no official identity. C’04, defies any type you may know. If you have the pleasure of meeting Sylvia, Sylvia was born in Guadalajara, Jalisco, just you’ll see that there’s nothing accidental about north of Mexico City. When she was 9, she her success. She’s got enough elbow grease to moved to East Los Angeles with her mother. power a jet engine. Her daily planner is inked Her friends in LA were diverse, but mostly from cover to cover, stuffed with charts and poor and not college-bound. Sylvia thanks her tables of group projects and deadlines. “If I junior-high algebra teacher for believing she were to lose this, I’d sob like a baby,” she says. deserved a shot at the big time and then help- Her disarming, alluring charm would make ing her get into a magnet boarding school. her a potent interrogator for the cia. She leans However, Sylvia doesn’t think she’s anything far over the table and makes direct eye con- particularly special, or that capitalism is God’s tact at all times, on two occasions grabbing my Special Providence, or that she’s piggybacked notebook and pen and correcting misspell- on a big movement. She just thinks she’s a lucky ings. She tells me she loves Italian cinema and person and that good things happen to her. Alejandro González, kickboxing and hookah That may or may not be true. Case in point: smoking. I feel silly for trying to give her life Sylvia is now the president of the Chicano a storyline. Her favorite animal is the nephila Caucus, but she credits her election to being clavipes (one of the things she writes down), in the right place at the right time. (“I guess a three-inch long South American spider that it just sort of happened.”) Perhaps we’ll take lets other spiders live on its web “as long as Sylvia for her word. But she must have been they clean up after themselves.” That’s the good at her job because the prestigious Kluge oldest-sister-of-four in Sylvia talking — she Foundat ion awarded the Spanish Literature says that’s why she’s a leader at Columbia. “It’s and Latino Studies always been important to me to have those major a grant to kinds of relationships.” She claims to be moth- produce a research erly and blushes often, but she’s a regular at project about Sounds of Brazil, home of a Saturday night 2 Mexican immigra- a.m. conga-drum line dance. “That’s how I get tion to America. out my aggressions.” As a result, Sylvia Sylvia is very nervous about her law school is practically an applications. Columbia’s her top pick. She wants expert on immi- to work for the ins in immigrant communities. gration and the Those around Sylvia know that if she gets in, plight of ille- luck will have nothing to do with it. gal immi- Fortunately, Sylvia believes that others who aren’t as lucky as she is can use her help to get ahead. –TGD Illustrated by Ajay Kurian 100 The Blue and White March 2004 101 � � � � � � �

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102 The Blue and White March 2004 103 Casa Totalitariana by Jack Jacobsonian

ne of Columbia’s tour guides recently political pressure. The Nation authors further Oconfided to a group of tourees that the alleged that both the faculty of Casa and Casa Italiana – the structure that today houses the publications it produced demonstrated the Italian Academy for Advanced Studies in clear signs of pro-Fascist bias in their treatment America – had been an outpost for the dis- of Italian political and social issues. In the same semination of fascist propaganda prior to the issue’s opinion pages, the editors of The Nation Second World War. At first, one might con- addressed Columbia President Nicholas Murray sider this to be a bit of propaganda itself, like Butler, demanding that he take action consis- so much of the Columbia trivia garbled over tent with his liberal reputation and ensure gargling at the West End. (And for the record, that the Italian Department observe “academic Wien Hall was not built to house the criminal- standards of free inquiry and discussion.” ly insane). Having heard this particular rumor Such allegations, it turned out, were not repeated far too often, and vowing never to let all that original. As early as 1928, the New hapless tour guides upstage us, The Blue and York Times published an article bearing the White decided to investigate further. headline “Charge Mussolini Wields Power Research in the archives unearthed an anon- Here,” which made similar claims about the ymous article in a 1934 issue of The Nation, Casa, even going so far as to point out that alleging that the Casa had become “an unof- Mussolini himself agreed to donate furnish- ficial adjunct of the Italian Consul-General’s ings for the building following its completion office in New York and one of the most impor- in 1926. But although it may have been true tant sources of fascist propaganda in America.” that Casa’s faculty, like many Italian intellectu- The rumors, apparently, did not begin in the als of the day, did indeed hold certain Fascist Admissions Department. sympathies, the accusation that the intellectual One of the most serious allegations made climate of the University was somehow shaped in the article was that Columbia’s Italian by the Italian government during Mussolini’s Department had sponsored a dissertation rule seems rather far-fetched. Recent scholar- speciously linking Giuseppi Prezzolini (then ship links Futurist views, like those espoused the director of the Casa Italiana) and his in La Voce, to Mussolini’s early rhetoric, there- publication La Voce to the political precursors by undermining the notion that Prezzolini’s of Fascism. Any such connection, the author treatment of Il Duce was entirely independent argued, was nothing more than a “hoax” and of his earlier criticism of the pre-war nation- thus proof of the “special pressure” exercised alists – a critical point for substantiating the by Fascist influences on the intellectual cli- Nation’s allegations. mate of the Casa. The Nation article argued All this, admittedly, fails to touch upon that this was an instance of the Casa sponsor- the larger question – why we find Fascism so ing false revisionism; Prezzolini, they insisted, fascinating that we would publicly proclaim had been a devout liberal in the period prior Columbia’s distant ties to totalitarianism, to 1922’s March on Rome – when the Fascist be they real or fictive. Perhaps, as Susan party took control of the Italian government. Sontag suggested in a 1975 essay, it is pre- Supporting their claim, the authors pointed to cisely the failure of past generations to dis- the frequent attacks, in La Voce’s early issues, cuss Fascism that makes it so intellectually against “the intellectual bombast of the pre- (and tourically) appealing, as an element of war nationalist movement, which later became “the exotic, the unknown.” Or perhaps, as the very keystone of the present fascist doc- the beamingly conspiratorial tour guide later trine.” Prezzolini’s sudden and complete whispered, it’s because the Fascists have just reversal of position, they argued, was thus switched departments.  a clear indication that he was acting under 102 The Blue and White March 2004 103 Un Ciudadano Perdido by Héctor Raúl Chávez Rochín

omewhere in my house is a pretty impor- twice the demagoguery and failed promises! Stant sheet of paper. I admit I feel a little And, if I can vote for a Mexican president, foolish not knowing its precise location — it’s then I should also be able to run for the office, at home somewhere, this much I know. This right? I’m sure my Electrical Engineering B.S. spring break I’ll go back and start a thor- from Alma Mater and my entanglements with ough expedition to find it – my Mexican birth the Engineering Student Council will prepare certificate. Because then, my status as an me well for diving headlong into the jungles International Transient will be secured. of Latin American politics. Some background: I am a dual citizen. In Such dreams, though, are far off into the the whimsical workings of today’s hyper- future. For now, I’ll stick to a more immediate globalized world, my status is made possible and pertinent concern: how can I use this to by my being born in the United States and dodge the draft, should it dance its way back having a father who is a Mexican citizen. I into action? Unfortunately, the United States guess this means I hold allegiance to both Selective Service System excludes Mexico in the United States of America and the United its list of countries from which dual nation- Mexican States. The more I think about it, als can seek exemption from military induc- the several months of political philosophy in tion. Uncle Sam is apparently only impressed Contemporary Civilization make me ques- by more exotic countries such as Malawi, tion what I’m sure must be grave ontological Swaziland, and the United Kingdom, so I’d implications of such a status. Hobbes probably still have to report for duty or face a warrant wouldn’t approve, because I belong to more upon my return to the States (should I happen than one sovereign body, and my duty to the to flee). social covenant is therefore compromised; I Most of us, though, aren’t as discerning as am a deviant from the aims of the almighty the U.S. government; even a Mexican citizen- Leviathan. Or something. ship can be enough to intrigue or impress For the first eighteen years of my life, I only others. As we all know, foreigners possess the had citizenship to the U.S. — which was per- ability to inspire in the hearts of Americans fectly dandy, don’t get me wrong — but before either endless amusement or deadly fear. coming here for college, I took the extra steps Some examples would include Josef Stalin to “go dual.” The process was painless enough. and Roberto Benigni. How delightful is that We had sufficient documentation and reason, Benigni, how maniacal that Stalin! and the good folks at the Mexican consulate Once I get my Mexican papers, I’ll be the in Houston didn’t seem to put up much of a proud possessor of two different passports — a hassle. Perhaps it was a nice change of pace privilege just too cool to pass up. You know for the officials concerned; the prospect of who has passports from more than one coun- actual Mexican emigration must be refreshing try? Spies and assassins.  for them. Don’t think that I have any inclination to actually move to Mexico any time soon, oh goodness no. But I’ve come across other delightful perks that come along with Mexican citizenship. Consider this: as captivating as the U.S. presidential elections may be, they’ll never match up to the freewheeling excitement of the upcoming Mexican elections, of which I know nothing about but for which I can now vote. So two nationalities give me Illustrated by Cara Rachele 104 The Blue and White March 2004 105 Big Plimpin’

George Plimpton On Sports caché of his cohorts, mainly because, unlike The Lyons Press Wolfe, he never ventured into fiction, and 322 pgs; $24.95 unlike Thompson, never ventured seriously into politics (he also was not an acid freak, he late George Plimpton is our unofficial which is an underrated virtue in the seedy Tmascot here at The Blue and White — a underworld of Beltway commentary). But herringbone-sporting, pipe-smoking, college in his raw ability to conjure and invoke the funny-mag-editing, prosaic-commenting kind spirit of sporting, he was absolutely unparal- of mascot, but a potent one nonetheless. leled. His willingness to ignore his lanky, un- A staff writer once bartended at an event athletic body — one common to most sports hosted by this silver-haired, long-time edi- writers — gave him access that no press pass tor of The Paris Review, and more than a few ever could. of our writers had spotted him at Tap-a-Keg The Lyons Press has released a collected on 103rd street, enjoying refreshments after volume of Plimpton’s sports writing, featuring a softball game with The New Yorker crowd. most of his classic essays but barely touching Plimpton was our imagined link to the high- the larger body of his work, the books he flying, highball world of the literary journal- wrote about his participatory journalism in ism social scene. If the East Coast intellectual the 1960s. It’s a frustrating collection because establishment were a high school, those guys little context and no dates are provided for the would be the jocks. pieces. Standing on their own, however, the Despite being perceived as a Blue America essays included are essential for anyone who kind of guy, it turns out that Plimpton had considers themselves a cultured observer of thick red blood running through his veins. American sporting life. Growing up, he walked around with his arm It’s amazing to discover just how influential twisted to imitate his favorite sidearm pitcher. and far-reaching his work was. He wrote so He launched rocks with a big Louisville many classics that we now take for granted. Slugger into the woods behind his home and The most famous is the 1987 Sports Illustrated play-acted game-winning touchdown runs article, The Curious Case of Sidd Finch, a spoof through the Yale backfield (back when Ivy that hyped a fictional Mets phenom pitching League athletics were cool). Plimpton, you prospect. And his Daily News investigation of see, was not simply another cynical observer of the claim that Willie Mays hit a stickball an American life, gazing from behind the fences unheard-of five manholes made the legend a where the Boston Brahmin roam. Throughout staple for commentators. his long career, he was the master of the art Plimpton’s not all baseball, but the best of of what he called “participatory journalism.” his non-diamond work isn’t included. Paper He disdained sportswriters who camped out Lion, the story of taking five snaps for the in the press box and wrote the recap before Detroit Lions in their 1963 training camp, the game even ended. Plimpton angled to isn’t excerpted or even mentioned. Neither are get where no one else dared to go: onto the his glorious moments with the Boston Bruins pitcher’s mound, into the goalie net, inside the or Boston Celtics. Most of the other entries paint, and between the ropes. are short, funny looks at less popular sports. Among sports writers and essayists, Plimpton His squash piece is a priceless seven pages; is the most influential of the New Journalism of the Master’s golf tournament, he writes: trio that included Tom Wolfe and Hunter “Tycoonery is pretty much the base of it.” Thompson, the enfants terrible of the non-fic- Those absences are painful for anyone seek- tion essay. He never quite had the cultural book review continued on page 109 104 The Blue and White March 2004 105 MEASURE FOR MEASURE

A HUNDRED YEARS

Glabrous Loretta. The famous grimes. The Spanish Alps. Houses of mansions. The very arms of him. Rainfall, generality. Six conventional rhythms. The great elision. Baskets of sleep. How the passengers behaved. To seek to shun. Fowls, Anglicans. When I opined. Snow gentians. Los fósforos azules. The Gangplank Concerto. Calcium. Still pilasters. A crape package. Your loving Jack. Inches of silver. Lemons in order. Wastrels. The Russian alps. The subject of magnetism. A sudden eve. The new birds. The living air. –I. Davey Volner

TO A FAT AND OVERWROUGHT HUSBAND WHO KILLS HIS WIFE

When she went down the stairs, she found you, in the kitchen, whole cherry pie consumed, your nose attuned to danger, fearing your wife as though a huntress, sheepish, contemplating the time it takes to assault, and kill, with syrup-dirty fork. –Anna Bulbrook

106 The Blue and White March 2004 107 MISSHAPEN LIMERICKS FOR THE EDIFICATION OF THE MORALLY MALFORMED

For the Pretentious A man of pedagogical bent Once affected a phony accent Having no cares, He was taken unawares And pushed rather hard down the stairs.

For the Foul-Smelling A primate they brought in from Linch Emitted a terrible stench Said the keeper: Don’t tell it! You’ll only compel it To bite things, scratch them, and pinch! If visitors smell it We’ll try to dispel it-- Dress him up and pretend that he’s French

For the Abstruse A scurvy young lad named Ophelia Once taught a course, “Pedophilia” They found his material A bit too ethereal But fired him when he brought in examples.

For Criers A young boy who frequently cried Fell in a well, and he died. –Matthew Harrison

106 The Blue and White March 2004 107 Incommunicado Communicated by Zachary H. Bendiner

ometimes, the supercilious B&W needs a 1776: American Revolution. British students Slesser pseudo-quasi-humor-literary publi- expelled. Quality of sipa student publications cation by which to justify its own merit. Since plummets. 1803: sipa buys Manhattan Island no other publication actually exists within this from Indians for three beads.” exalted genre, we simply cast about for what- Puzzled, we read on: “1861: Jeffrey Sachs, ever clodhopping sheet happens to be conve- acting as the Confederate economic advisor, nient to carp about. More often than not, as tours South selling Economic Elixir, saying the B&W embraces its Eastern European heri- ‘This industrialization bubble will never tage by lounging in the Eastern Bloc-esque last. Agriculture’s the thing, cotton is king.’ School of International and Public Affairs’ Denounced as ‘snake-oil peddler’ by Joseph “cyber café” (read: a few computers and a Stiglitz, Esq. 1903: Under advice from Jeffrey vending machine), our brickbat falls upon Sachs, sipa sells Manhattan Island for three the Communiqué, sipa’s weekly rag. Though beads. 1928: Jeffrey Sachs publishes book, the school’s international flavor may excuse a ‘The Depression: It’ll Never Happen,’ and certain lack of grammar, the B&W ’s intestinal becomes White House economic policy advi- fortitude is not without its limits. sor. Introduces policy of shock depression. One particular afternoon, whilst engaging 1932: Joseph Stiglitz publishes book ‘The in this guilty pleasure, the B&W spied a sipa Depression: I Told You So.’” student giggling as she read through what Eureka! This was not simply inaccuracy appeared to be a copy of the Communiqué. and unintended humor in the Communiqué Was someone else — a sipa student at that tradition, but rather, satire. The drollery — demeaning a publication that was rightfully continued. The article “Queer Eye for sipa” ours to demean? Her neckerchief quivered as outlined various ways to refashion the sipa she tittered. We leaned forward into the mias- folks and their environs, “changing the world, ma of perfume that encircled her. Same fonts, one policy school at a time.” The grooming colors, layout — the publication was almost gurus declared, “That Dean has got to go. identical. But this was no Communiqué. The The Reeboks, power suits, frosted bobs? Sooo B&W had stumbled upon the Incommunicado. Raisa Gorbachev meets Melanie Griffith in Snatching away the paper from the mademoi- Working Girl … I’m thinking less jaded, more selle, we rushed back to the antechambers of jade. I’m thinking less Ice Queen, more Dairy East Campus to investigate. What exactly was Queen.” this pronunicamento? Would Incommunicado Who, from the self-righteous, politically- be our next object of ridicule? A timeline correct, semi-literate sipa population could at the bottom of the first page caught the produce such comicality? What dignity had eye: “250 years of sipa. emerged from this yeomanry? The B&W had to know. Pontius Palate, through connections from his stint as a chef on a Disney cruise in the mid-1980s, managed to finagle a meeting with the people behind Incommunicado. Like 70 percent of sipa , they too were most likely foreign. Either that or Rachel Jupp and Collum Murphy successively feigned their English and Irish accents, respectively. So what was the secret Illustrated by to the witticisms in Incommunicado? Craig Hollander “There are two jokes: no one is getting 108 The Blue and White March 2004 109 any, and the school is badly organized,” Jupp sipa ladies consider themselves to be desir- said, while noting that the lack of procreation able “liberal politicos who have been saving might be charitable to the world. it,” according to Jupp. “Demand [for men] But what’s the larger purpose — aren’t they exceeds supply — it’s microeconomic theory.” trying to topple the inadequacies of sipa? No, Sipa students are indeed an eclectic bunch, in fact, the Incommunicado serves simply as a and they study a great variety of subjects, distraction during finals. “some of which are relevant, some of which “I don’t think we’ve achieved any change,” are not,” according to Murphy. There are Murphy said. The school has still yet to rename the apolitical International Finance and itself the Continental Airlines School of Business students who failed to get into the International Affairs, despite Incommunicado’s Business school of their choice. There are urgings. the International Security Policy students Amidst our discussion of literary vision, who are “arming us for peace,” according we also tried to define the enigmatic nature to Murphy. There are the Masters of Public of sipa , or rather, as they presented it, sipa Administration students who are “well mean- High. Yes, it turns out MA candidates can ing white girls from upstate.” put world poverty on hold for the sake of And finally, there are the esteemed editors petty squabbles and juvenile sexual esca- of the Communiqué. How can the poised edi- pades. Gender relations dominate discussion. tors of the Incommunicado endure such insuf- According to Murphy, sipa men are frequently ferable syntax? Well, much to the B&W ’s seen by sipa women as “suave, well-dressed, shock and chagrin, the editors of Communiqué very European, but ultimately un-dateable.” and Incommunicado are one and the same.  Jupp summed them up as “lame.” Whereas Paul C. Mazzilli contributed to this article.  book review continued from page 105 thoughts have been generated in the lonely ing a comprehensive look back at Plimpton’s wastes of right field,” he writes of the loneliest career. But the volume is still worth some- position on the field. thing. After all, while his forays into profes- Most sports journalists would never write sional sports made him a legendary socialite, about the simple act of “fungoing,” in which what makes him truly worth reading is the coaches hit easy flies or grounders to their reflective, pastoral quality of his journalism. players with an oversized bat as part of the Instead of the stats-heavy work of Bill James warm-ups. Plimpton reaches straight for or the over-emotional blather of George Will, the essence of the activity, transcending Plimpton captures the underlying human leagues, eras, and ability: “It somehow suits drama in all sports, especially baseball (and the essential character of those boyhood its sweet but dim-witted cousin, softball). For summer evenings … fungoing stones in the him it’s the thrill of being on the diamond forest, lips moving busily to describe those among friends, playing well into the dusk, titanic giants … forgotten now, unknown, waiting in right field for a hit that will never lost forever to memory.” –Telis G. Demos come. “It is always my contention that great LABYRINTH BOOKS SPECIALIZING IN SCHOLARLY & UNIVERSITY PRESS BOOKS 536 West 112th Street, New York, NY 10025 (212) 865–2749 online at http://www.labyrinthbooks.com

108 The Blue and White March 2004 109 Paris Review by Allen O’Rourke was the unsurprisingly narrow-minded Veil-removal aside, corollaries and conse- IAmerican who needed more than language quences spilled across French society. Duly skills to navigate the treacherous political dithered by the confusing mess, my French discussions I encountered when I visited companion, a captivating teacher and pious France. I liberally consumed table wine but Catholic, asked her priest: “How am I supposed found that conversational ease escaped even to explain Christmas to my little students my chemically loosened tongue. French eyes without including God?” Gee, that seems easy gazed fixedly on my apologetic expression enough. “If any X exists such that X equals God, while I answered questions about George and any Y exists such that Y equals X’s son, W. Bush. The crowd commented variously, then Christmas celebrates Y’s birth.” French revealed an unhealthy obsession with Hillary school children will have no trouble following Clinton, and guarded unwavering incredu- along. And once Ramadan and Yom Kippur lity about Californians actually choosing Le have been similarly explained, those young Terminator for governor. I nodded frequently, Frenchmen will become veritable logicians. sometimes murmuring, “c’est possible, mais You’ll soon find them gathering around panini pas nécessaire,” and bringing new meaning stands and discussing how reindeer-oppressive to meaningless rhetoric. Initially I came away and gravitationally pragmatic are necessary unscathed. All my diplomatic efforts were but not sufficient conditions for èreP Noël. for nothing, however, once our conversation I can only assume that these bed-wetting broached French politics. logicians would not exemplify the young Islamic veils are dangerous things. At least, generation President Chirac had imagined this was what some French college students his law would safeguard. What was he told me when I discussed with them the hoping for, then? Confused by similar debate over wearing religious symbols in questions during my previous conversation, French schools. Political symbols are also I asked one college student whether French prohibited, actually, which explains why the children becoming secular while attending normally ubiquitous Che Guevara shirts sud- secular schools bore any resemblance to denly vanished in France. “Those veiled girls citizens obeying Rousseau’s general will. To are only looking for attention, just causing my shock and awe, he responded: “Yeah, trouble, consciously attacking our culture …” that’s about right.” I violently waved my hands I repeatedly heard. “It’s about being French,” and exclaimed: “You mean they’re forced to some would comment, doing away with be free?” Suddenly the café grew hushed. circuitous language. Another official line “Evidently I had better keep my misgivings went: “The public schools are secular. Since about Rousseau translated into English where they are there, the students should also be they belong,” I murmured in English. Was this secular. They can be religious when they go also true for my thoughts on Islamic veils? home.” “Actually,” I retorted, “religion doesn’t Unlikely, I thought. And usually the same would always work that way.” Perplexed and increas- go for Rousseau. But I had forgotten myself. ingly appalled, I utilized my Contemporary Was I nobly defending correct principles or Civilizations-endowed wisdom and bran- just being another narrow-minded American? dished John S. Mill’s harm principle. No dice. Noisy and antagonistic though I may have Voices all around me raucously reiterated that been, I did manage to glimpse that cultural their officially secular school system required enlightenment which study abroad coordina- secular students. Religious, atheist, agnostic tors must hope their students attain. What — these I understood. But how could students “liberty” means became less obvious, and I once be secular? “Laïcité, Egalité, Fraternité.” Had I I’ve cracked this small mystery, I will less readily remembered those incorrectly? Our conversa- overlook the word’s equivocation and mis- tion only spiraled further downward. use by anyone, hopefully myself included.  110 The Blue and White March 2004 111 BLUE J Reel Concerns fter reading a great deal of literature on the J envisions it, Aglobal-warming, the Blue J was confi- Butler could post dent she wouldn’t have to migrate south for films online though CourseWorks in the same the winter. She was wrong, of course, and way that the Music Department currently posts had to nest in a lecture hall to avoid the ele- concertos for Music Humanities students. ments. From her perch there, the J observed According to one estimate, the digitizing a trend among professors: they have become compression software would cost Columbia, very fond of using electronic presentations. at most, $500. This multimedia infusion has also found its So what’s the holdup? Simply put, the way into their homework assignments - the administration is rightfully worried about J noticed that many professors require their legality. The mammalbrains over at the students to view films outside of class. Political Motion Picture Association of America, for Science buffs yelled at one another over instance, insist on their website that “it is ille- Battle of Algiers ; reluctant Spanish students gal to stream copyrighted content without the rekindled their lust for language during Y Tú express authorization of the copyright holder.” Mama Tambien ; and prospective anthropolo- The Blue J, however, believes that streaming gists grunted suggestively at Quest for Fire. films for educational purposes on a password- As a visual learner (who has difficulty peck- protected network may be allowed under ing her way through a book of any size), the Fair Use laws. Although these guidelines Blue J feels that films effectively supplement are painfully unclear about streaming films, traditional teaching methods. And, she was they do mention that an educational institu- delighted to learn that students are spared tion “may display images digitized …through rental fees when films are put on reserve at its own secure electronic network, provided Butler Library. It didn’t take long, however, that notice is included stating that the images for our feathered friend to find flaws in the shall not be downloaded, copied, retained, system. printed, shared, modified or otherwise used.” According to copyright law, Butler Library Parenthetically, the J would like to stress is only allowed to have one copy of a film on that modern encryption technology makes it reserve. In addition, students must watch the almost impossible to copy a streamed file. film in the Butler Media Center, whose hours While the entertainment industry tries to of operation aren’t very sympathetic to fly-by- limit the definition of “fair use,” some edu- nights. As a result, those students able to set cational institutions are already setting legal aside a chunk of daytime to watch a film often precedent. Brown University’s Language find it being watched by someone else. This Resource Center, for example, allows profes- problem is exacerbated both by large lecture sors to submit film-digitizing requests. Of classes and the onset of exams, when procras- course, Columbia is worried about more than tinators flock to see films at the last minute. just fending off lawyers. The digitizing process Feathers ruffled once more, the Blue J is fairly time-consuming, and Butler decided to research possible solutions Media would probably have to hire to this intolerably inconvenient another staff member. But if “need- movie reserve system. After sensitive” Brown is able to afford the discussing the matter with a few system, surely “need-blind” Columbia tech-savvy chicks, she learned of a can afford it as well. Imagine, dear viable alternative: the films can be reader, being able to watch films at digitized, stored on a hard drive, your leisure and from the comfort and streamed to dorm roosts over of your room. What better way to the network – which she has been stave off the winter chill, and wait told can handle the bandwidth. As Illustrated by Craig Hollander for molting season?  110 The Blue and White March 2004 111 CURIO COLUMBIANA

From the New York Press, March 17, 1915 245 COLUMBIA MEN RIOT AT “Sophs” Rescue Comrades BANQUET In the meantime things were happening. In News from the front in the European war some mysterious way the sophomores got word paled in significance last night, when 75 of the capture of two of their comrades. About Columbia University freshman and about seventy rallied to the colors in City Hall Park seventy sophomores fought a battle royal in early last evening and they landed in Newark Achtel-Stettar’s restaurant in Broad Street. just about the time the dinner began. When the smoke of battle cleared away four- Under the direction of “General” Schulte, teen of the sophomores were in the toils of the they were told off into four squads. One of the law, accused of disorderly conduct. Almost all squads got to the roof by climbing up to the of the others were injured by volleys of bot- top of the Central Railroad station adjoining. tles, glasses, knives, forks and plates. A great It was an easy matter to get into Achtel-Stetters many of the freshmen were also battered and by smashing the skylight. A second squad was bruised in an encounter with 100 police offi- assigned to besiege the dining room from a cers who were rushed to the scene to preserve window on the second floor. The other two the peace and to save the restaurant from com- bands concentrated their attacks on the front plete destruction … and rear entrances to the restaurant. Cafe Damage Is $1,000 At a signal from their leader the charge A conservative estimate placed the damage began. Private detectives employed by the at $1,000. restaurant bore the brunt of the attack and The story dates back to yesterday afternoon, managed to withstand the avalanche until the when the freshmen organized in squads and freshman rallied to their support. took the tube to Newark, where they had Fierce Struggle in Cafe arranged for their annual banquet last night. Things happened quick after that. Glass On the way they discovered two sophomores chinked against walls and heads. Tables were in the Hudson Terminal who were returning upset, windows were smashed and plates were to their homes for St. Patrick’s Day. broken. The sophomores fought valiantly, but The “Freshies” were about as glad to see the they were badly outnumbered. “Sophs” as General von Hindenburg would be A strategic retreat was being planned when to run across the Czar on a lonely road. They the reserves from the First and Third precinct pounced on them, made them prisoners, and, and Police Headquarters reached the scene. handcuffing them with real handcuffs, carted Freshman and sophomores alike felt the con- them over to Jersey. tact of clubs with their heads and other parts Several hours passed without any thrills of their anatomy, but it was almost half an or excitement and the hour for the dinner hour before the battle ended. arrived. The prisoners were marched to the The freshmen, in the melee, tried to make banquet hall on the second floor, and were prisoners of two more sophomores for future securely fastened to chairs. Dunce caps were entertainment, but were disappointed. They placed on their shaggy locks, and they were protested to the police that they were enjoying placed in full view of the table as the freshman themselves in orderly fashion when they were began their dinner. attacked by a band of “ruffians.” 

112 The Blue and White March 2004 113 Model UNcovered by Avi Z. Zenilman

he patois of nonsensical jargon, the kids, and we couldn’t allow nuclear war until Tstrange poli-sci rhetoric, and the profes- the last day. Everything else was fair game. If sors annoyed by the men in combat fatigues Oslo iii neared a settlement on the Jerusalem holding plastic automatic weapons – it all Question, American operatives would discov- sickened me. I couldn’t comprehend this alien er Osama bin Laden in the West Bank. If the subculture. But, slowly, it was sucking me Russian Cabinet started appeasing Polish art into a nerdy heart of darkness. Eventually, thieves, anthrax would find its way into the the transformation was complete. I had gone hands of Chechen terrorists. If the Franklin native. I loved Model UN. Delano Roosevelt War Cabinet needed Sean And it loved me. Connery to give them a rousing speech, well, What leads a young man, someone with we’d get them Sean Connery. There was aspirations and more than two friends, to end always an excuse to grab a plastic M-16 and up deep in the bowels of Hamilton Hall, fran- dress up in fatigues or in pirate garb or in tically trying to make the “Security Council” petticoats. There was always another group of resolve its nuclear crisis? Why the hell did 10th graders that deserved an international I spend a four-day weekend in January at enema. the 2004 Columbia Model United Nations Of course, the kiddies provided much of our Conference and Exposition watching high entertainment at the conference, too. Some of school nerds play dictator? What was in it for them were snotty little runts, proud of their me? knowledge of parliamentary procedure and The standard answer I gave my friends was the United Nations Charter. They probably unimpeachable: free alcohol. A friend of mine thought an Economist subscription brings all was the in charge of organizing the “Crisis the girls to the yard. But these conferences are Staff,” which had to plan and implement the not reserved for the resumé-padders. On the “crises” for the various mock committees contrary, I soon discovered that Model UN is a (these included the “Chinese Politburo,” the sexually-charged subculture comprised of “Russian cabinet,” “nato,” and “Oslo iii,” the most socially inept high which had a delightful motto of “third time’s schoolers who the charm.”) My friend assured me that can only his staff members would conjure geno- cide and chemical weapons attacks by day and drink like actual Russian cabinet members by night. The lure of booze coupled with my taste for destruction eroded my negative per- ception of Model UN. It became harder for me to think of it as a collection of loud, dorky misfits who could only obtain sexual satisfaction by citing an obscure clause in the Geneva Conventions. I agreed to join the Crisis Staff and learn the mysterious ways of the Model UN-ers. The Crisis Staff was charged with wreaking havoc, and nothing else. There were only

two rules: we couldn’t touch the Illustrated by Cara Rachele 112 The Blue and White March 2004 113 find willing partners in high-intensity com- they “owned” slaves. The African-American mittee meetings. Their blood boils from contingent, on the other hand, had none of whatever “happened” in Kurdistan or on the that White Man’s guilt and made excellent China-Pakistan border, and they go back to a white supremacists. It was, therefore, hardly hotel where at least 100 other members of the surprising when an African-American del- opposite sex are also staying. egate won an award for his outstanding per- At the center of this web of hormones was formance in the committee (we could almost the most dangerous threat to the integrity of hear Edmund Ruffin and John C. Calhoun the conference: the Catholic school girls. From griping about that decision in hell). our quasi-pedophilic vantage point, we soon Similarly, on the last day of the conference, realized that the attractive girls at the confer- I saw a girl standing outside a “Security ence happened to be from an all-girls Catholic Council” meeting as France was trying to school. It made sense: they spent their days sell nuclear weapons to Germany for 300,000 deprived of boys, so any opportunity to get a pounds of croissants and Britain was pledging little Y-chromosome (including at a Model UN to re-conquer Africa. She looked sullen and conference) was looked upon favorably. These dismayed, so I asked if she was enjoying the girls also happened to be expertly trained in crisis. Her eyes were a mix of confusion and the art of being jailbait. The best practitioner fury. “Why is there all this invading and nucle- of this ancient and deadly art was someone ar war?” she asked. “I don’t think it’s funny.” who I will refer to as “Spain.” Over the span And she ran off crying. Stupid hippies. of 4 days, Spain sent me notes to take her hos- Then it all just ended. No more jailbait, no tage, handcuff her, bribe her with money, and more resolutions, no more plastic machine would aggressively smile and twirl her hair at guns. But my friend made good on his prom- literally every guy she saw. If most people treat ise of free booze. Although I don’t remember flirting as a tightly choreographed dance, then any specifics about the staff party, I awoke the she treated it as jujitsu. next morning to find my shoes missing and a Then there were the kids who struggled patch of my chest hair gone. And while I have to comprehend the “Model” in Model United yet to become a professional Model UN-er Nations. For example, one of our committees myself, I have developed a very tentative fond- was a fake “Confederate War Council.” In this ness for their kind. My friends have essentially committee, the high school delegates had to shunned me for the past month because I assume the roles of high-ranking Confederate couldn’t stop telling stories about the con- officials. Many of our staff members were wor- ference, and rightfully so. Maybe after an ried that the delegates playing slaveowners intervention or two they’ll be able to wean me would either be sheepish about making racial out of this nefarious subculture. If not, then I comments or overzealous in their use of racial have a message to the high school parents of slurs. Unsurprisingly, all the white kids were America: send us your sons and daughters. I’m too inhibited by political-correctness and waiting – and I’m packing plastic heat.  would only awkwardly allude to the fact that

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114 The Blue and White March 2004 115 TOLD BETWEEN PUFFS uddenly, Verily had become happy. This, of elation: all these would have made anyone a Scourse, was a problem. happy man, even a happy woman – if such a Verily ordinarily regarded happiness as thing were possible – but Verily had had these any dutiful citizen would a mottled gerbil things long before this miserable joy. carcass bathed in industrial sludge. But last Unfortunately, during these inconclusive week, out on his morning constitutional, investigations, a new danger arose: now that Verily found himself humming sotto voce a he was joyous, he was losing his joys. He pleasant tune, jocular, major, and Baroque. had begun asking interested questions in His mind suddenly abounded with images of class; consequently, teachers were noticing he flowers – sweet-smelling flowers, not even the existed, and grading accordingly – apparently, suggestive O’Keeffeian variety – then of teachers have no trouble giving A-plus- sweet nothings, then of flowers es to ghosts. He had begun feel- again, this time attended by smil- ing comfortable around women; ing little fuzzy bees, buzzing a consequently, they found contralto harmony to his muted his lack of agitation a sign theme. The infernal creatures of disinterest – also appar- droned on until, blessedly, Verily ently, women are only satisfied walked into a lamppost. when you are not. And he had Rising embarrassedly, Verily begun making friends of his declared this unconscionable; enemies – apparently yet again, typically, his early jaunts inspire it is difficult, though not impos- fuming meditations on existential- sible, to duel with yourself. ist syntax, Nazi pornography, and Still, all was not lost. Recupera those darn kids. But during that ting from a bruised jaw after his midmorning’s fawning, there was latest self-gauntleting, Verily discov- nothing biting save the wind. ered, not what made him happy, but In fact, upon further reflection, Verily real- what made him unhappy to be happy: Verily ized he hadn’t thought a single significantly was terribly frightened of not being unhappy. irate or indignant thing in weeks. He hadn’t Were he to become happy, he felt, all the impugned, inveigled, or indicted, not once. earth’s sly little unpleasantries might ambush What’s more, Verily had no idea how this con- him; he might be forced into détente, or some- tentedness evolved – if he once had known, thing equally French. his happiness, clever little virus, was now Ultimately, given good fortune, Verily would obscuring that source, preventing Verily him eventually have the leisure to question it – by from sneaking up behind it, say, and giving it contrast, the unhappy are usually too busy a good garroting. A contagion, a self-replicat- davering in corners to doubt themselves. This ing monstrosity, it could strike anywhere, any- reduced to the discovery that once Verily was time; Verily feared for his darling spleen. happy, he could easily become unhappy. What But Verily would not be daunted. Resolving has gone up can always go down. to root out his happiness, and promptly uproot Which was, in the end, a nutty position, but it (or at least deliver the abovementioned, one not easily dispelled. Verily had grown Thuggish fate), he canvassed his life’s better used to being dissatisfied; satisfaction, even colors with all the force of Pollock – and not at being dissatisfied, would come at a price. a little of his alcoholic fortification. A near- But finally, given such silly semantics, Verily century of senioritis? Check. The repeated could not imagine why he should any longer amatory attentions of certain unnamed fil- fear happiness. After all, if happiness made lies? Check. Infrequently, those of uncertain him unhappy, so much the better; such a named ones? Also check. And a fraudulently shift would swiftly make him happy. And so, acquired set of Civil War-era dueling pistols? whistling again that cheery tune, Verily began Check. Alas, the resolution proved no rev- once more to polish his flintlocks. –Verily Veritas 114 The Blue and White March 2004 115 DIGITALIA COLUMBIANA hese excerpts were culled from documents left on Columbia’s lab computers. We encourage our T readers to submit their own digitalia finds to us, via e-mail, at [email protected].

Lines For The Fortune Cookies: I was stuck inside my head until my head That’s not a run in your stocking, it’s a hand kickstarted. It lasted a year, I was hard candy, on your leg. wrapped up, lickless. And I couldn’t stop wait- You are a prisoner in a croissant factory and ressing. I covered other shifts, pulled doubles; you love it. days off I passed fast with long walks and You too could be Premier of France, if books, worried. But my spirits were mostly only … if only … high. You think your life is like Pirandello, but it’s  really like O’Neill. You will take a long trip and you will be No matter how special you are, and how very happy, though alone. healthy and positive our love was, it couldn’t You will eat cake. possibly have healed what needed to be healed in me.   This effect, which is common in a fancy restaurant, forms an intimate environment Digestion confusion not caused by vegeta- within the church, possibly with the purpose tion. But vegetables didn’t consume people, as of giving intimacy between the church and far as I know they knew. We’ll have to see if the Lord – please note that I am neither an crops could not be consumed if they’d been interior designer nor an architect, so do not covered with blood or grown up in ground regard this assertion as an expert opinion. where people were buried. Doesn’t seem to be the case for some monestaries – don’t want to  do only anecdotal evidence here – but I can My career goal is to become a pediatrician; think of at least one case in which a monestary hence my interest in health care and young had its orchard over its graveyard. So, animals children. caused one anxiety because their flesh was  sufficiently like our flesh that they could eat us and grow thereby, whereas vegetables-and But I want to revize what I told you before their systems of growth, which I’ll have to about our answer to Martin L. King is Celine work to understand-did not grow, and in that Dion. It is not. It is Sammy Sosa. Only this matter were not like us. comes close to how we feel and who we are today in pride strength. When I came to  Columbia, I thought the people would under- LUCILLE: You said I was the only one. That stand this, no more questioning nationality, was a lie. You are a liar. identity. Instead it feels like I am only stuck HELEN She really shouldn’t speak to you between Ontario and Manitoba again, but it like this – (to LUCILLE) You really shouldn’t is you and every peer around me who make speak to him like this, he is a respected me this quebecoise island. Try to understand! Doctor. I am not just angry but away from my home- LUCILLE Only one my ass. land. HELEN Worthy of our respect!  DOCTOR DEATH Leave me alone.

116 The Blue and White March 2004 117 This is one of her statements in a long First of all, making gravy is basic chemistry … series of clues that would all appear to be By following the above easy steps you are symptoms of lsd use: hallucinations, para- guaranteed a lump-free and tasty gravy. noia, disorientation, anxiety, suspiciousness, Don’t get stuck in that packaged gravy mix and headaches. In addition to all these rut! Create your own gravy and flavor it with symptoms, she becomes obsessed, essentially, herbs and spices that suit your tastes. A pinch with a mystery about stamps. of cloves, sprinkle of thyme and a touch of  mace will drive the blah gravy blues away. So season your gravy to taste the way you want! The children yawn. “Children,” I mutter. “Please do not be ugly  Americans. Please do not make me discipline Moved to another condominium where we you with the Appreciation Stick again.” used to play hide and go seek near a mini That makes the kids snap to goggle-eyed lagoon that said, “beware of the alligators”. attention. My company has furnished me with My babysitter had seizures. Eighth birthday an Appreciation Stick to help the children was in that house with chocolate cake, scream- stay on task. The Appreciation Stick is a mar- ing girls, and Dr. Seuss’s “Lorax”. vel in itself, a hand-whorled staff carved out  of a walrus tusk by blind French nuns in the twelfth century. It was donated by a wealthy The goal of the MC Battle is to individually parent who wanted the children to have a test each rapper in a “props” test, which is a physical reminder of awe and mystery. I’m test that confirms the rappers ability to make not sure our donor intended us to whack the up a thirty second rhyme while being quickly children in the face with awe and mystery, but flashed various objects or “props”. The rap- that is what I have been instructed to do. per that can include the most props into his freestlye rap is given a high score. The Detroit  and New York rappers with the highest scores MADAM QUINCE: My dear, dear Saucy Plaza. form the “prop test” are then paired off I am a heroin and diva. You are a squire, my against each other. The rappers with the low- stylist, my sidekick. How could you think you est scores will be assigned in pairs to compete know more than I? against each other. The “props” test will be an SAUCY PLAZA: Well Madam, I guess you are excellent place for multiple product placement right, but I was so sure that a Quince was a for the sponsors of the MC Battle. fruit.  MADAM QUINCE: Saucy, I am a descendant of great women. Women the likes of Joan of Language and culture were once siblings, and Arcadia the great Spanish warrior … not the second cousins which they are today. I am SAUCY PLAZA: Was she not French … referring, of course, to the Biblical legend of the 11:1-9 MADAM QUINCE: Saucy Plaza, haven’t we Tower of Babel, described in Genesis : discussed this all ready …  SAUCY PLAZA: Yes, yes. I’m sorry you are “Are those new shoes?” I asked. right, I’m an idiot … “You don’t get new shoes in Prison, they are MADAM QUINCE: Yes … refurbished,” he exclaimed SAUCY PLAZA: Go on, forgive me? “Oh, neat, what brings you here today Ray?” MADAM QUINCE:Yes, well uh, great women I inquired. like (pauses to think) Princess Diana Sawyer “Love and a bastard of a judge,” he replied. and Hillary God Dam Clinton, the first lady  President … His eyes were glazed over and the turquoise SAUCY PLAZA: She was only the First sparkle that granted them permission to claim Lady … life had disappeared. His skin was rough with MADAM QUINCE: Saucy! razor bumps and he had begun to grow a  pirate’s beard. 

116 The Blue and White March 2004 117 BOOZE HUMANITIES CHUG NOT, LEST YE BE CHUGGED

am always reminded of the art critic Dave colleagues in drunkenness on philosophical IHickey when I find myself talking to a grounds, as I feel it is my sense of values, rath- stranger about my infatuation with beer. In his er than taste, that is more attuned than theirs. book Air Guitar: Essays on Art and Democracy, Depressingly, they value invisibility or distrac- he recalls the unsettling effect that discussing tion in their drinks: Coors Light at Absolute his profession has upon the uninitiated – their Zero and the vulgar apple martini are monu- facial expressions reflect something between ments to blind intoxication. Correspondingly, pity and revulsion by way of a morbid curios- those who make pretenses to discretion nearly ity as to how and why a person ends up in his always tout the airiness of fine (i.e. tasteless) line of work. vodka. I find this approach dishonest to the I am not an art critic – like C. Montgomery core. But it is more existentially apt to scruti- Burns, I simply know what I hate – but I know nize the source of one’s intoxication; the com- what Hickey means. More so than even the plexity of a fine beer makes one pause in a way wine lover, the beer lover is simply a social that a candy cocktail cannot. A few nights ago, boor, roving around parties and harrying the I foisted a bevy of mostly Belgian (and thus innocent with demands that this stuff go into strong) ales on some peers. Leffe Blond, which a glass instead of remaining in the bottle, or you should purchase immediately, proved par- entreaties to try some special ale brewed in ticularly difficult. Every attempt to pin down thimble-sized batches by Trappist monks. the central flavor met with dissent from the General consensus seems to be that, whereas room; ultimately, clove and almond proved the wine connoisseur at least traffics with the only plausible suggestions. It is this sense something elitist and chic, the beer nut sim- of befuddlement, rather than any smug satis- ply has a maddening tendency to tinker with faction at being “well-drunk,” that drives my and formalize something whose very nature is continuing journey through the world of beer. inimical to such fussy dandyism. Beer, This sense of weakness, of realizing the limits for most, is like the of one’s ability to account for taste before the subway: no one rides amazing panoply of flavors brought about by it for the journey that magical process of brewing, is the essence itself; it just helps of beer as a pursuit of its own. you arrive at your Conveniently, this idea of weakness relates destination cheaply. directly back to Dave Hickey’s conception of So why I am such a art criticism. It is a fitting return, because you, perfectionist? Clearly, the reader, are probably making that morbidly my knowing the proper bemused face he describes so well. Hickey’s way to drink a hefewei- apologia for his profession, truly profound in zen does not make me the era of critical theory, is that critics do not the darling of weekend arbitrate or create artistic meaning but sim- festivities. Moreover, is ply fall victim to it in a singular way. The art it not a bit presumptuous lover, and thus by analogy the swiller of beer, of me to suggest that oth- is less a connoisseur than one whose enthusi- ers mend their errant ways asm lacks moderation. Personally, I am quite to follow my seasoned happy to relinquish any claims to connoisseur- advice? It is, of course, ship, especially given that uniquely American very presumptuous, yet ability to use the adopted French notion so I persist. Ultimately, contemptuously. Connoisseur may be a dirty I quarrel with my word to the Philistines, so let them have it; I, for one, am a drunkard. Illustrated by Cara Rachele –Mephiscotcheles 118 The Blue and White March 2004 119 LECTURE NOTES EVOLVING PRECEDENT

ntelligent design is a novel critique of evolu- But a basic tenet of science is that theories Ition. The theory stems from the belief that must be falsifiable – in principle, a theory is some biological structures reveal a complex always open to disproof and is never con- coordination of individual elements that are clusively proven. It would be inappropriate, too interdependent to have evolved on their then, to teach evolution as a theory that has own. Proponents of intelligent design argue been categorically proven; and in the name that the “irreducible complexity” of such of the secular legislative purpose of intellec- systems suggests the agency of an intelligent tual freedom, it may be appropriate to teach designer. Unfortunately for the proponents of critiques of evolution or alternative theories, the theory, the difficulties of incorporating it so long as they have at least minimal scientific into a public school syllabus are themselves plausibility (viz., supporting evidence, which irreducibly complex, since the tenets of intel- is falsifiable). ligent design run close enough to those of Intelligent design, Greenawalt suggested, major religions to make the support or even does not easily satisfy the criteria of a scien- the teaching thereof a thorny legal issue. In tific hypothesis. It is not falsifiable: apologists a recent lecture, University Professor Kent may seek evolutionary explanations for each Greenawalt, an eminent First Amendment of the successive examples of irreducible scholar, addressed these legal and philosophi- complexity cited by proponents of intelligent cal intricacies for the case of public schools. design, but there is no logical way for them The U.S. Constitution’s First Amendment to disprove the theory of intelligent design states that “Congress shall make no law itself. Some opponents of intelligent design, respecting an establishment of religion.” for instance, suggest the theory presumes that Although Greenawalt has written at length components of irreducibly complex structures about the history of the Establishment Clause, were not once viable structures in their own during his lecture he only referred to the test right; but this argument introduces further articulated by the Supreme Court in Lemon philosophical difficulties (which Greenawalt v. Kurtzman (1971). According to the Lemon glossed briefly). test, an acceptable statute has a secular legis- In brief, the theory of intelligent design may lative purpose and does not have the primary prove too broadly constructed and may shel- effect of advancing religion. (As it turns out, ter too many alternative explanations under its this test is considered somewhat obsolete, but structural umbrella to be considered a scien- Greenawalt wasted little breath on the legal tific hypothesis. The theory may, however, be technicalities.) interpreted as a legitimate epistemic theory So what does and does not belong in about the contingent limits of scientific knowl- natural science courses? Here Greenawalt edge. As such, it may indeed warrant inclusion mingled the descriptive with the norma- in science curricula – just so long as, like any tive. Teaching creationism violates the good scientific theory, it has the humility to Establishment Clause because religion is the admit that it is just one idea among many, with only basis for such belief; teaching evolution no particular claim to a monopoly on scientific is permissible because there are non-religious truth. reasons for believing it. By a similar argument, Missouri legislators are currently debating a prohibiting the teaching of evolution is itself measure that would require textbooks to call impermissible, because evolution is so central evolution an unproven theory and to teach to modern biology that the only basis for intelligent design as an alternative to evolu- excluding it would be a religious motive. tion. —Isaac Vita Kohn

118 The Blue and White March 2004 119 Personal Ads rue love may be foreign to The Blue and White, but the quest for it is not. Here we confess our Thearts’ desires for the benefit of Columbia’s love-starved fops, aging professors, and resident perverts - from whom the night has not yet been taken. The ads are followed by our Lerner or McIntosh mailbox numbers. Should particularly poignant responses find their way into our boxes (and hearts), you may find them printed in our next issue. SEEKING WOMEN Tall, blue-eyed underachiever seeks mystical Are you an ambitious young go-getter? experience of the heart to inspire/force Coincidently, I’m a well-connected go-get-her. withdrawal into study. Non-white parentage So while you resume-conscious ladies may a plus. 1446 rest assured that sleeping your way to the top Are you a nice, pleasant, reasonable, and of Mt. Editorship won’t be difficult, please be single young woman? Think you can impress forewarned that it’s a slippery slope down to me? You probably won’t. But please submit Humiliation Valley. 3595 a well thought-out, clearly organized essay The more I get to know people, the more I supporting your case (double spaced, MLA treasure the company of dogs. 5788 format). Letters of recommendation are optional, but looked upon favorably. 1791 Puff’d-up fop seeks unfilter’d cigarettes, undilut’d grog, moth’d ascots, and someone Do you wear argyle panties? I’m the only one willing to carry all three while he writhes who will truly appreciate them. 7162 in self-abnegation; those lacking an habitual Perturbed by prattling Peter Pipers? Bogged fondness for antiquated British spellings and in boys of Brobdingnagian bulk? Tired the notation “Obs.” will go unrecognized. of tongue twisting two-timers? Meet me, You’ll get no box number from Verily K. maiden, in monogamous merriment! Wallow Veritas, as he is unwilling to enter Lerner. in the wondrous wooing of this wordsmith’s Cook me shrimp and grits, whisper to me workings. Let’s live the literati Lambada; let’s sweet nothings in French, and wet my gullet liberate our literary libidos from limping with Irish whiskey. Simple man with simple lassitude. Affinity for assonance and needs. 7162 alliteration preferred. 2764 My mom thinks I’m cool, but I The only way I can convince you of my need a second opinion. 6157 honorable intentions is by force. 1346 I long to sit with you in our I don’t like aggressive women. So if you want members-only club. You gaze into to be considered for my next romantic the fire nursing a dry martini, while endeavor, I highly suggest you avoid talking my cognac swirls gently clockwise. to me. Why, I could mistake a pleasant A moment then. Our eyes meet and exchange with you for flirtation. And cause my cognac to swirl counter its given my bizarre neuroses, that would clock, inexpertly leaping from the glass. result in ME having to find a way to We both know the truth … bespoke avoid YOU until graduation. 6519 tailoring isn’t what it used to be. 4465 Fifty million French women can’t be My dear, sweet, innocent underclassman girl: wrong. 6692 do you dream of encountering your own Ivy Raffishly charming first-year male League Prince Charming? In your fantasies, seeks at least one experienced does this Mr. Charming have a respectful woman to provide material for nature? Is he unshakably virtuous and Spectator Sex Column Applica- unfazed by words like “virgin,” “waiting,” and tion. Must be willing to do “let’s just cuddle”? If so, it would probably be anything for the sake of truth in Illustrated by better for you to avoid 3595. Cara Rachele journalism. 6157 120 The Blue and White March 2004 121 SEEKING MEN SEEKING SOMETHING ELSE, ENTIRELY I know we just met – and that I’m at this party Lovable dweeb seeks election, democratic or with two other guys – but I think you’re really, otherwise, to the Columbia College Student really awesome. 4058 Council Presidency. Though I’m admittedly Wholesome, blonde, Midwestern gal seeks more Bill Gates than Bill Clinton, I will not older man. Much older. Four to five million cease to pull strings in campus publications years old is a good start. Bipedal locomotion in order to boost my name recognition preferred but not required. The ability to and besmirch the reputation of my would- make/use Acheulean stone tools similarly be competitors. Concession notes can be a plus (hey, I like a guy ahead of his time). deposited in box 3112. Bonus points for correct pronunciation of Talented writer with lots of ideas seeks a Australopithecus bahrelghazalia. 1915 publication that will actually appreciate them. Do you dress for dinner? Does your fainting Recommendations and writing samples are couch long for an occupant? Do you, too, think unavailable. 4178 consumption is terribly romantic? Send a If you’re the man who punched me to the daguerreotype of yourself and perfumed love ground in front of Butler Library on the letters daily to box 5545. morning of January 25th at about 3:30 am, I’m Romantically-discontented editor seeks Verily sorry for hitting/touching/leering at/sleeping Veritas for occasional snuggling and late-night with your girlfriend or whatever I did. All I tom-foolery. Oh, VV, without you, I am cold ask is that you come forward so my friends between puffs. 4477 (McIntosh) understand I actually was in a fight. Right now, they just think I’m a stupid drunk klutz Having batted my green eyes onto the Board who fell down some steps. Women who like of this esteemed publication and into the bruised Jews should also drop a line. 6157 syphilitic pants of another, this editrix seeks yet another campus publication to seduce Second-semester senior seeks Major Cultures (Columbia Review – I’m looking in your exemption. So, Dean Yatrakis, if you’re ever direction! And, hey, Barnard Bulletin, college feeling lonely, remember that I’m not seeking is the time for experimentation, right?) The an exemption from your love. 4210 southern accent may mean you’ll pay for The Blue and White seeks Thomas Oxholm, dinner, but you won’t regret it. The Spectator Everett Patterson, Joseph Dinkin, Matt Gertz, need not apply. 5545 Beth Milton, Katie Zien, and Katelyn Doyle Pontius Palate seeks Eric Ripert look-alike to for an unpaid yet wholly satisfying internship. share weekends of truffled bliss. 2403 Please contact [email protected] for details. Student of art history seeks (heterosexual) male counterpart who understands that Gothic architecture is ribbed for our pleasure. 6040 (McIntosh)

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120 The Blue and White March 2004 121 CULINARY HUMANITIES Wheeler-Dealers

n the eighth day of storytelling in guarded — cheese vaults in Italy. On occasion, OBoccaccio’s Decameron, the young Elissa the banks use outside warehouses for addition- recounts the unfortunate tale of Calandrino, a al storage, but each cheese repository is report- simple painter who is tricked into searching for edly defended by round-the-clock guards and the idler’s paradise of Bengodi. Here, she wan- high-tech security systems, which also monitor tonly describes, “on a mountain all of grated the precise temperature and humidity level Parmesan cheese, dwell folk that do naught surrounding each wheel. The system is “like else but make macaroni and ravioli, and boil a Fort Knox” claims Simone Ficarelli, from them in capon’s broth, and then throw them the Consorzio del Formaggio Parmigiano- down to be scrambled for.” Reggiano, which certifies the regional authen- Boccaccio’s inclusion of cheese in paradise is ticity of the cheese. not limited to Italian literature (cf. the French). Yet, despite the vigilance of the banks, rob- But the producers and mongers of the most beries still occur. Most recently, a small band famous Italian cheese, parmagiano-reggiano, of thieves drilled a hole in a Credem ware- have particular reason to take pride in their house wall and rolled out hundreds of wheels, handiwork’s place in the annals of culinary his- assembly-line style. Ficarelli described the tory. As New York’s own clog-wearing Italian recent break-in effort as “a bit like Formula demigod, chef Mario Batali, noted in a recent One racing. You know, when they change the interview, “once you become an elaborate and tires?” And while the parmagiano black market well-developed culture … the food starts to has yet to gain much sophistication or glamour, become a representation of what the culture each wheel was reputedly sold to local stores is … [and] for Italian culture … parmagiano- and international distributors for up to $1200 reggiano is as well-developed a brand as any- - a price that actually makes parmigiano theft thing man has made, from the Ferrari to the a cost-effective endeavor. Apollo 11.” Yet, Pontius Palate couldn’t help but wonder Parmagiano was first made in the Italian if these prices were a bit high. Lacking her region of Emilia-Romagna during the 13th own posse of cheese thieves, she decided to century, and has been one of Italy’s most negotiate with the manager of Milano Market, lucrative exports ever since. In recognition Morningside Height’s resident purveyor of of the cheese’s importance to the region, and overpriced Italian foodstuffs. The deal in ques- given that it takes over two years to mature, tion concerned the purchase of one of Milano’s banks around Emilia-Romagna have long parmigiano wheels, all of which are stacked, offered local cheese producers loans against rather haphazardly, in the storefront win- anticipated future sales. And since the early dow. Twenty minutes, much haggling, 1900s, many have turned profits by offering and some sufficiently demure eyelash- vault space for storing the large wheels of batting later, the price had dropped parmagiano, which they keep as collateral. As by over three hundred dollars. If the parmagiano ages, it loses moisture and only the B&W had granted Pontius weight, but gains taste and value; thus, the that much-petitioned-for expense local producers can cover expenses year to account! Had the request been year, while the banks gain an appreciating, granted, for a mere $875 (in cash), edible asset. said magazine would not only be One of the larger banks, the Credem the proud owner of more parma- Bank in Montecavolo, near Parma, houses giano-reggiano than it over 285,000 80 -pound wheels of the stuff, could ever eat, but also a which are collectively valued at over $140 slice of cheesy heaven. million. It is one of the largest — and best –Pontius Palate Illustrated by Allen O’Rourke 122 The Blue and White March 2004 123 CAMPUS GOSSIP

The Blue and White has noticed several inad- THE BULLIET FILES REOPENED! vertently humorous fliers posted around cam- Unappended quotes, courtesy of Professor pus. Here are two of our favorites: Richard Bulliet: “WORK FROM HOME “It’s hard to overstate the dryness of the $12.00 per Hour Travel Reimbursement Sahara Desert. I got off a plane there, and Provided.” there was sand everywhere; it was so fine it looked like talcum powder …Vast quantities “LOST BURBERRY SCARF are suspended in the air at all times, like a Description: cashmere / beige / plaid mist. I began to wonder if it was really sand, The scarf is the only thing my boyfriend left so I picked some up and put it in my mouth. me with. Its also the only thing that’s giving Then I had sand in my mouth.” me strength recently. Please, if you are a kind- “The number of lectures may not corre- heartedperson, you would return it to me.” spond to the number of lecture notes … I go  slow … but that doesn’t matter; nobody’s running after us.” The Blue and White would like to note that in the Martha Stewart obstruction of justice trial,  the defendant, Ms. Stewart, and the presiding While choosing teammates for “Assassins,” judge, Miriam Goldman Cedarbaum, are both ccsc presidential hopeful, Matthew Harrison, alumnae of Barnard College. Two Barnard C’05, invited his chief competitor, Wayne women facing off in the same courtroom? You Ting, C’06, to join his team. Harrison’s logic know what that means — catfight! was simple: because no one would ever suspect  the two sworn-enemies of working together, their team would be harder to eliminate. Ting, Professor Christopher Washburne recently however, declined Harrison’s invitation. asked the students in his Jazz class to write a three-line Blues lyric and then post their  work on the course website. After reading the “THE DAILY BLOW (OFF)” submissions, the professor had some thoughts The powers that be invited Jon Stewart, the to share with the class. He said, “I gained a lot host of Comedy Central’s “Daily Show,” to be of insight into all your lives from that assign- the Columbia College Class Day speaker. Mr. ment. A LOT of insight. Almost all of you are Stewart declined the offer, and will instead be obsessed with sex. Many of you are obsessed speaking at Princeton, where he has a “family with booze. Some of you are obsessed with connection.” Next on Columbia’s Class Day dorm life. And a few of you, curiously, were speaker wish list was Warren Buffet, B’51, upset that you didn’t get a snow day, when but – alas – Mr. Buffet also informed Dean you only live across the street from where Colombo that he will be unable to perform your classes are held.” the service. The B&W has learned that play-  right Tony Kushner, C’78, will, instead, be speaking on Class day.

122 The Blue and White March 2004 123 FROM THE PROPAGATION OF HURTFUL Professor of political science, David Johnston, STEREOTYPES DEPARTMENT described for the students in his “Justice” A recruitment poster for Yavneh, the Orthodox class the most important criticisms of group of the Columbia-Barnard Hillel, asks Utilitarian theories of morality. One student Jewish passersby if they “want to see some was particularly frustrated with the idea that the ‘change’?” Underneath the text is a photo- happiness gained from certain actions across graph of a pile of coins. very different individuals is quantifiable. He  asked that Johnston “consider a feudal lord in 14th century France: he has to go to the The Columbia Journalism Review recently bathroom in a bucket, but he’s probably pretty received a nasty letter from a subscriber: happy. However, if you transplant that lifestyle “Show me one article about Urine Therapy into the 21st century, how happy will he be?” and I will re-subscribe. If you never have one, Johnston countered: “I have no problem with then cancel my subscription and wake up to this. I used to own a piece of property where the truth. P.S. You may publish the enclosed that was the only way you could do it. In a article for free.” The article read: “I am the bucket. And I was very happy. In fact, I wish I God of my own creation. Today I experience still had that property.” the effect of what I have created for myself to experience in past eons of time. Today I am  experiencing what I will be experiencing in ANTIQUE GOSSIP future eons of time. I am the CAUSE of what “Several pretty typewriters have been added I experience today, what I will be experienc- to the workforce of the College.” ing tomorrow, and what I experienced in the –The Blue and White, “Campus Gossip,” Vol. past …” The Blue and White will save you the III No. II (1892) trouble of reading the remainder of the arti-  cle – “Urine Therapy” is never mentioned. Hundreds of Columbia email addresses were  recently bombarded with an advertisement A recent evening found one Blue and White for “cheap and legal valium, Viagra, Zanax, staffer shivering outside the doors of St. and Super-Viagra.” And who says spammers Anthony’s, pleading with a self-important don’t bother researching a target demographic sophomore member for entry into the party. before marketing their product? The staffer’s problem? His attire was more  blue-jeans than blue-blood. The staffer pro- alice! tested, loudly, that “Saint Anthony himself A B&W staffer noticed an poster in will hear of this outrage.” Then the John Jay which imparted that “sex does staffer demanded to see “the not have to end with orgasm.” To commanding officer.” When a the staffer, this point seemed more senior-ranking St. A’s obvious enough – everyone member (also beaming with knows that sex has to end self-importance) came with a cigarette. forward, the staffer asked  for both of their names Professor of history and threatened to have William Harris, on our them “sent to the front” inherently flawed grading if they continued to deny system: “If I give a student him entry. For whatever an ‘A,’ he or she will become reason, the staffer was politely a harmless professor. This ushered into the party after this invariably leaves the ‘B’ students remark. As expected, his shabby to run the country by default.” appearance and Semitic good looks  proved disruptive. The new CU website … it’s unnavigable!!!  124 The Blue and White