THE ichigan eview MThe Journal of Campus Affairs at theR University of www.michiganreview.com VOLUME XXVII May 23, 2008 SUMMER ISSUE

Arb Diag Football

Union Theater Law Quad MR

Greeks Class The Review

Glances PAGE 2 Glossary PAGE 6 Greeks PAGE 16 www.michiganreview.com PAGE 2 05.00.20084.1.08 www.michiganreview.com MAZE and Blue Editorial Board Oh no! You’re a first-semester freshman girl and you need Lindsey Dodge to pull a “walk of shame” from Editor-in-Chief Pike back to Mary Markley! Find your way home and Jane Coaston order some pizza! Executive Editor Adam Pascarella Managing Editor END HERE Eun Lee Graphic Design Editor Jonathan Slemrod Editor-at-Large Nathan Stano Cherri Buijk Assistant Editors

Business Staff Karen Boore Publisher Jonathan Slemrod Anna Malecke Associate Publishers Nick Cheolas Editor Emeritus

Staff Writers & Photographers

Steven Bengal, Samm Etters, Austyn Foster, Erika Gonzalez, Josh Handell, Kris Hermanson, Alyse Hudson, Christine Hwang, Erika Lee, Megan Lytle, Evgeny Magidenko, Julianne Nowicki, Shanda Shooter, Andrea Sofian, Joseph Xu, “The Rock” Christina Zajicek,

Letters & Viewpoints

The Michigan Review accepts and encourages letters to the editor and viewpoints. Letters to the editor should be under 300 words. Viewpoints can be

arranged by contacting the editorial board. We PHOTOS JOSEPH XU & ILLUSTRATION EUN LEE / MR STAFF Pi Kappa Alpha (PIKE) Fraternity reserve the right to edit for clarity and length. START HERE Send all correspondence to [email protected]. Letter from the Editor So you’ve finally graduated from high school. such basics as a guide to picking majors when com- About Us The commencement music has faded, the last auto- ing into college (Jane Coaston ‘09), as well as broader graph has been crammed into your yearbook, and sketches illustrating the ways in which one can be- The Michigan Review provides a broad range of everyone’s looking forward to the “last summer of come a true Ann Arbor hipster (Evgeny Magidenko in-depth coverage of campus affairs and serves as freedom.” That’s what we all say when faced with ‘10). Re-introducing the Face-Off, we have two edi- the literary voice of conservatism and libertarianism at another step into adulthood, as if adulthood is de- torial board members argue both sides of the eter- the . The Review is published fined only by a series of unasked for responsibilities nal collegiate question: To go Greek, or not to go bi-weekly September thru April. heaved onto our unwilling shoulders. Now most Greek? everyone is aware that college doesn’t resemble this We also include an updated version of our clas- morose outlook at all, and frankly neither does life sic Glossary, providing definitions for and poking onate ubscribe D /S after college, depending on how you use your time fun at more than one ridiculous Ann Arbor institu- The Michigan Review accepts no financial support at U-M. tion. This and our freshman girl maze (pg. 2) will from the University. Therefore, your support is critical College ends up being a balance, a balance of certainly provide a little entertainment when wait- and greatly appreciated. Donations above $40 are finding what it is you will hopefully do for the rest of ing for your first class to begin on Michigan Time, eligible for a 1-year (12 issues) subscription. your life, or at least the next five years with our ever- which we explain thoroughly on page 3. We have Donations can be made on our website at evolving job market, as well as relishing the first a good balance of both helpful information about www.michiganreview.com, or mailed to: time without parental supervision and monitoring your new home state, Michigan, as well as about your own time. As your Classical Studies Professor your new college social scene. 911 N. University, Suite One will undoubtedly bring up at some point, “Aristotle Of course, we are focused on campus, state, and Ann Arbor, MI 48109 says, ‘Everything in moderation, even moderation.’” political events, and our Politics section provides

The Michigan Review is the independent, student-run journal of In college, you could very well change that to, “espe- some helpful hints for those taking their first steps as conservative and libertarian opinion at the University of Michigan. cially moderation.” freethinking, involved citizens. Not only a paper for We neither solicit nor accept monetary donations from the University. The Michigan Review prides itself on being a conservative readers, as evidenced by many of our Contributions to The Michigan Review are tax-deductible under section 501 (c)(3) of the Internal Revenue Service Code. The Michigan Review monitoring source to any and all extremist view- more liberal and libertarian staff and editorial board is not affiliated with any political party or any university political group. points. This means yanking the chain of turbo-Re- members, our main goal is to get people thinking.

Unsigned editorials represent the opinion of the editorial board. Ergo, publicans as well as defending original thought An ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure, they are unequivocally correct and just. Signed articles, letters, and against the constant stream of liberal “facts.” Demo- but we strive to be “the thinker’s newspaper.” So en- cartoons represent the opinions of the author, and not necessarily those of The Review. The Serpent’s Tooth shall crats give us better feed on the U-M campus, that’s joy the humorous along with the serious, and look represent the opinion of individual, anonymous contributors to The all. In the end, it’s about providing a contrarian voice forward to a similar blend with our first news issue Review, and should not necessarily be taken as representative dedicated to questioning the unquestioned, as any in the beginning of the year. Remember, there are of The Review’s editorial stance. The opinions expressed in this publication do not necessarily reflect those of the advertisers or the true journalistic source will do. only two colors that really matter on campus: Maize University of Michigan. Every year, we kick off our production with our and Blue. Copyright © 2007, The Michigan Review, Inc. All rights reserved. trademark irony, and here in your hands is the re- Sincerely, The Michigan Review is a member of the Collegiate Network. sult. Lindsey R. Dodge A humorous guide for all new students, we hit Editor-in-Chief 4.1.0805.00.2008 PAGE 3 Editor’s Notes An Editorial Page for Those Interested in How the Other Side Thinks Don’t Be Scared! Ann Arbor doesn’t bite...hard

When we found out that there were seniors on shop hybrid (Crazy Wisdom Bookstore), fun shopping campus who had never heard of Mirlyn, the catalog and whimsical gifts (Peaceable Kingdom, etc.), and a for the University of Michigan Library system, there number of great bars, restaurants, and permutations was some sad laughter. When we realized that there thereof. As many of the upper-classmen may know, were seniors who hadn’t been to Main Street – the, as this is where people go to legally drink. it implies, main street of downtown Ann Arbor, lying That’s only a taste of Ann Arbor commercially. For a brief four blocks west of State Street–there was a mu- those seeking a slower pace, there’s tual sense among us that some U-M-ers had gone too (The Arb) - a large nature preserve within the bounds far. Or not far enough, rather. of the city - or even North Campus, with its surpris- The University of Michigan is unique among col- ingly interesting architecture intermixed with trees and lege campuses for being embedded in the fabric of a sloping lawns. city; just the few streets that weave through Central Add to all this the number of festivals and art shows Campus can seem as an entire world. South University, that show up in Ann Arbor all year-round. From the with its bubble tea, bulk candy, arcade, ice cream, sand- Ann Arbor Film Festival to the summer art fair, there wich and pizza joints provides a dreamy mix of sweet is a never-ending supply of culture and activities for pop culture, while it’s mix of funky and high-end cloth- everybody’s interests. This isn’t to say that we would ing, shoes, alternative gift shops, and even an art gal- go to all of them. Some members of the editorial board lery waft enough of the scent of that fabled earthy, edgy would rather be caught dead than go to an art show- Ann Arbor culture. It hints of South State and Liberty ing of bugs crushed on a film strip. But the point is just around the bend: vintage clothing, movie theatres, that some people are into that - and whatever gets you sushi, and even more cafes. thinking is a step in the right direction. Becoming familiar with Ann Arbor is as easy as If you really put your mind to it, there’s no limit hopping on the city bus for a free ride, or just taking a to what can be done with your free time. Rent a canoe short walk. This is assuming that one does not have a and go paddling on the Huron River with some beers. car, which belies the infamous absence of parking spac- Drive to Weier’s Orchard in the fall and try their cinna- es whenever it’s actually important. mon donuts with some cider beer. Go to Vinology, the When you’ve had enough of the cafeteria, take wine-tasting bar, and be an original. a visit to one of the coolest Ann Arbor districts, Ker- Life on campus and in Ann Arbor will probably rytown; you’ll find the renowned Zingerman’s Deli, take some getting used to, but there’s no better way to stocked to the ceiling with fresh breads. Who knows? become comfortable than to get acquainted with the You might even find time tokibbitz city you call home. Take the occasional break and en- while you’re getting some nosh. joy. MR Or if you’d just like to stretch your legs and explore, check out Main Street: you’ll see a tea room and book

PHOTOS JOSEPH XU / MR STAFF Don’t Be on Time A Blast From a Past Reviewer FRESHMEN - LET ME be amongst the first to food is or how crazy BAMN is – make her laugh! Seem sits next to him, your classmates will love you! And welcome you to the University of Michigan and it’s informed, and seem cool (because let’s face it, you’re isn’t that why you’re at Michigan, for the approval glorious Ann Arbor campus. Over your next four, probably not). of others? five, or even six to ten years here (that better include This seating strategy doesn’t stop after the first day Where you sit in class tells a lot about you. And grad school...), you will discover the wonders that I though. Even if during your initial conversation she no, I’m not talking about smart kids sitting in the too eventually found. As a little helping hand before pulls that “I’ve got a boyfriend” shit. Whatever! Don’t front, slackers sitting in the back. You’re at Michi- you embark on your academic journey, the Review let it phase you (p.s. -most hot girls at Michigan have gan, everyone sits in the back. But the really smart would like to offer you some friendly advice that you boyfriends; if this is not the case, they must be crazy). kids sit next to hot girls. And the really hot girls sit will find very useful in your first few weeks. You can handle that “boyfriend” noise because after all wherever they want because they are hot and do as As you will learn during Orientation, “Michigan - you’re sitting next to her because you’re a good guy, the please, so you better sit next to them. If this ad- Time” refers to the 10-minute spacing for classes. not because you’re an asshole that likes staring at her vice seems sexist, chauvinist, or utterly insensitive to Hence, a 10am class really actually and truly begins chest. What’s more it will totally catch her off guard the concerns of ugly people and socially inept nerds, at 10:10am, and so on and so forth. Your first day of in a good way if you ask about her boyfriend. Ask his then you are absolutely correct. But frankly, those class, however, you will undoubtedly show up thirty name, what he’s like, yadda yadda yadda. But don’t kind of people are so sexually frustrated that they minutes before your class actually begins. There you ask “if he goes here.” That’s a red flag that you are al- infer innuendoes from their engineering homework: will all be, thirty or so freshman neurotically arriving ready hoping it’s a long-distance relationship that you you know, the problem about the tangent line pen- early, all staring at your watches in a vacant Mason can break up. Don’t scare her off and don’t jeopardize etrating the diameter of the circle? Whatever…so Hall hallway, collectively watching the time tick by. your position as the guy that sits next to her! that’s not a real problem--it lacks any sense. But I Don’t do it. Michigan Time means exactly what it Eventually, your seat next to her will be- was too busy staring at the hot girl I’ve been says, class starts 10 minutes after its posted time. Get come your territory. The two of you, or more sitting next to in my Psychology yourself a little more sleep and save yourself from if there are other good-looking girls in your class all semester to staring at a watch for 30 minutes. area, will have staked out a claim to your think of anything When your class actually does start, there is a territory. No one will dare move in on your intelligent. Hot girls strategy to seating yourself. This rule applies es- space. With this territorial domain, you can are sweet. Oh, and pecially, if not exclusively, to recitations, seminars, carve out a good group of people to sit with. the same thing applies and discussions. And sorry ladies, but this rule is Hopefully you have been endearing them to the ladies for getting sort of gender specific, and not for the faint of heart. to you over the first few weeks of class guys. MR Gentlemen, for you I will share the single best piece with irreverent remarks about the stupid- of advice I can dispense to help you get through your ity of your GSI, the horrible grade you boring classes: as you enter the classroom on the first got on your last paper (tip: you always day, seek out the hottest girl in your class. Try and do poorly, but you always are confident This piece was written be smooth about it (engineers, therefore, must un- enough to laugh it off – this seems to by Michael Kasinowski ‘00 fortunately skip this strategy), and without drawing work), or hilarious comments about and published in a past issue much attention to yourself with freshman-guy clum- the weird kid in class (disclaimer: the of the Review, but hey, the siness, sit next to her! Start talking to her, but not like Review does not condone ripping on whole editorial board agrees you’re interviewing her. Introduce yourself, ask her the dorks in your class, but sometimes with him! where’s she from, where’s she living now, etc. Ca- you gotta do what you gotta do). As the fun guy sually say something witty about how terrible dorm in class that exudes so much machismo that the hot girl IMAGE WWW.DKIMAGES.COM P.PAGE 4 05.00.20084.1.08 Finding Your Political Affiliation By Lindsey Dodge ‘10

COLLEGE IS HYPED up as the most fun, the most chal- lenging, the most transforming time in ones’ life. Yet all this re- ally means is that once college hits, people are for the first time living like liberals, or in our case the Bush administration: No real accountability and money to burn. But it also means that for the first time, students are free to choose their own classes and really begin to frame their own mindset. Any political study will show that the primary influ- ence on our political beliefs is our parents, and with college comes the absence of this great influence. The fact that we live under a political philosophy that deems everyone’s vote important is both a blessing and a curse. No Politics true leader can be elected without citizen’s participation. This is a more of American society, and has produced such Presi- dents as Washington, Lincoln, and FDR. On the other side of the pendulum, often citizen’s do not know what it is that their country needs, and this has produced such leaders as Nixon, Carter, and that entire period from 1865-1900 known primar- ily as “Where the hell are my history notes because I can never remember these guys!” So to quote Hollywood, “With great power comes great re- sponsibility.” That’s right, every student now has a responsibility beyond throwing a killer party, and even getting a good GPA. There is something to be said for having a responsibility to knowing your own political sys- tem, learning about and understanding ones’ country, and thereby deter- mining a political affiliation. There is a reason behind the age limit for vot- POLITICAL AFFILIATION Continued on PAGE 13 IMAGES HTTP://THESITUATIONIST.FILES.WORDPRESS.COM A Conservative Conservative? Word of Caution Libertarian? How to be Conservative on U-M Campus Just Sick of BY JONATHAN SLEMROD ‘10

IT IS EASY to feel threatened on a seem- by die-hard liberals. Understandably, most ingly liberal campus if you are a conservative students don’t have the time to care for poli- Political or libertarian. After all, even our official stu- tics. College life can leave you with little free dent newspaper, , rarely time. shows both sides of a debate, instead copy- However, there are many outlets for the Correctness ing-and-pasting the talking points of the conservative or libertarian on campus that Democratic Party directly onto their editorial wants to question the norm in Ann Arbor. page. Or if you ever wondered how the Unit- Never free of controversy, the Young Ameri- Already? ed States government is a fascist empire hell- cans for Freedom (YAF) will surely be back bent on world domination that planned 9/11, with hard-hitting events. In 2006, over 300 peo- or why socialism is a utopian and logical idea, ple protested when YAF sponsored a speech you will have no trouble finding someone to by three former terrorists who spoke on the explain it to you in . dangers of Islamic fundamentalism. The Col- If so, join... But while campus undoubtedly has its lege Republicans are gearing up for the 2008 fair share of left-wing crazies, they aren’t presidential election, and will be looking for necessarily the majority. But often, they are new members to help elect John McCain to the loudest, most visible, and most obnox- office. Other groups include Michigan Liber- ious participants in campus politics. Take tarians, Students for Life, Students for a Free THE MICHIGAN REVIEW the Trotskyite radical pro-affirmative action Economy, and Students for McCain. group BAMN, which makes no mistake of Here’s where we come in. At The Michi- their preference for verbal and physical con- gan Review, we take pride in our conservative For 25 years, THE MICHIGAN frontation to spread their message. The day and libertarian outlook not because we simply after racial and gender preferences were feel like being contrarians, but because our ra- REVIEW has been the sole voice of ended following the passage of Proposition 2 tional take on campus events simply takes us in 2006, University President Mary Sue Cole- there. Indeed, while most of us proudly wear conservatism and rationality man addressed thousands of students in the maize and blue and love our campus and on campus. Diag. I was sporting a t-shirt superimposed University, there is no shortage of issues that with the image of conservatism itself, Ron- would be misconstrued and overlooked with- ald Reagan. To several BAMN members, this out a conservative perspective. Conservatives warranted verbal abuse; apparently, I am a challenge the status quo, and I can’t stress the “racist asshole.” importance of this enough, especially in a pre- Having been born and raised less than dominantly liberal city. We are always look- one mile from campus helped me to prepare ing for new writers, so come and stop by. for the political shock I was to experience. Ann Arbor has an incredibly lively stu- Most of my family, friends, and acquaintanc- dent body, and politics play an enormous es identify as liberals, so it is fair to say I was part. It will certainly take some time to get used to being in the political minority. Yet I used to if you are a conservative or libertari- was still surprised upon arrival to campus. an. But once the shock of college life wears off, I found that almost every student I came you will begin to understand the excitement into contact with didn’t have any clue what a of campus political life and the opportunities libertarian even was, but I found that apathy, that it holds for conservatives and liberals not “liberal” or “conservative,” is the political alike. We hope that you take the opportunity affiliation of choice in Ann Arbor. to explore your options. Welcome to campus MR Our campus is not, as I see it, overrun and go blue. MR 4.1.0805.00.2008 PAGE 5 Best of Ann Arbor its restaurants. car to the nearest full-fledged grocery store. If you’re in the Smaller grocery stores such as the Village mood for Thai Corner on S. University or White Market Ann Arbor food, No Thai on on E. William are within walkable distance South Univer- on campus, but do not offer a wide vari- sity or Catherine ety of products. By taking the AATA #6 in Street is the best front of the , you can get to choice. At a rea- Kroger within 5 minutes. Or, you can take sonable $8.00 the AATA to Meijer, which is what many an entrée, you students choose to do. The best place to get a good-sized study is not in the Ugli, but in the Espresso portion for your Royale on State Street. Espresso Royale has money. Good a cooler, more radiant atmosphere than the entrees to try Ugli, which makes studying there actually are the Pad Thai entertaining. Espresso Royale is open late or the Drunken until 12:00 a.m. on weekdays and Sundays, Noodles. Stay and also has some of the best coffee in Ann away from the Arbor. As an added plus, Espresso Royale Magic Wok in has plush, cozy armchairs to sit in, whereas the Michigan the armchairs in the Ugli are well, ugly and Union. The Thai uncomfortable. food at the Magic The best places in Ann Arbor to buy your Wok just doesn’t textbooks will be from other students in PHOTO / MR STAFF JOSEPH XU compare in qual- Ann Arbor. Try checking Facebook, Craigslist, or the Ann Arbor is bursting with great food options and places to shop. Be sure to take a stroll off campus and check out all of the stores, eateries, and boutiques. ity to No Thai. Student Book Exchange in the Michigan Union for the For some good textbooks you need, before shelling out an unneces- pizza, try the sary $70-140 at Shaman Drumstore or Ulrich’s. But it BY Julianne Nowicki ‘11 Cottage Inn on doesn’t hurt to occasionally check out Shaman Drum E. Liberty. At around $10-15 for a pizza, the prices are for something other than textbooks. The staff is knowl- ANN ARBOR HAS its hidden gems— you just a little steeper than other pizza places on campus, but edgeable and friendly, you can peruse the interesting need to know where to find them, and which “gems” to the pizza is worth it. Again, quality is key. Stay away books, and do something “artsy” like attending a po- stay away from. Whether you’re looking for some good from N.Y.P.D. on South University, where the pizza is etry reading. Ann Arbor has many hip boutiques, the Thai food to take back to the dorm room, or a place to extremely greasy and the cheese is just gross. only problem is they can be very pricey. Orchid Lane, splurge on retail therapy after a rough exam, Ann Arbor Need actual groceries or snacks for your dorm located on East Liberty, however, is a boutique that has something for everyone. Ann Arbor is known for room? Well, you will most likely have to take a bus or BEST AA Continued on PAGE 14 Where to Eat in Ann Arbor Besides the Dorms BY SAMM ETTERS ‘11

WHEN YOU NEED a break from the dining halls and quick eats from the Union basement, Ann Arbor has excellent dining options, from Friday night pizza houses to impressive places to take a date. For get-to- gethers with friends, there are so many options de- pending on what you’re in the mood for. Say you’re looking for a good burger or lunch, try Brown Jug on South University. Another good burger spot is Blimpy Burger on Packard Street. Although the employees are paid to be rude to you, the burgers are famous for a reason. There’s quite a few Mexican spots, but Panchero’s on South University and BTB Burrito on State Street are the most popular. BTB also opened another location, BTB Cantina on South University last winter. For pizza, Pizza House on Church Street is probably the best for a nice night out with friends. There’s a pleth- ora of other pizza joints that deliver late into the night when you need a simple meal or a late night snack. If you want to impress a date, there are many places to go if your wallet can take the pinch. Sadako on South University is great for sushi or teriyaka chicken for those who can’t stomach raw fish. The original Cottage Inn restaurant on East William Street is exellent for Italian dinners and PHOTO JOSEPH XU / MR STAFF There are lots of great sandwich shops in Ann Arbor besides Jimmy Johns. Check out Zingermans, Potbelly’s, The Brown EAT AA Continued on PAGE 15 Jug, or the dozens of other places on State Street and South University, in Kerrytown, and on Main Street. Shortcuts Through Campus: Stay Warm! 5 Big Issues in Ann Arbor BY SAMM ETTERS ‘11 bus stop at C.C. Little. Another large building to cut through is Angel Hall. BY NATHAN STANO ‘11 IF YOU ARE coming from out of The layout is really confusing, but long state, Michigan winters will definitely enough to warm you up if you can 1. Affirmative Action/Diversity: Affirmative action has been of critical impor- take some getting used to. You may think navigate the multiple levels. Dennison tance to the students and faculty of the University. However, with the passage of you are prepared with your body-length building and East Hall are also good to Proposal 2, which banned affirmative action in university admissions, much of the North Face coat and three pairs of Under pass through. And if you’re desperate affirmative action push has petered out. One notable exception is the radical student Armor, but some times the wind and enough and walking through the Diag, activist group, “By Any Means Necessary.” However, the rhetoric of “diversity” snow seem to be doing everything they Hatcher Grad and the Shapiro Under- reigns supreme. Despite the University’s pending copyright on the word, you are can to find every little crevasse in your grad libraries connect, although on the going to hear it almost everywhere. The thing is, while everyone tells you diversity clothing to get to your skin. That’s where second floor of the Grad and the third is great, it’s fun to play the old “why is it great?” game and observe the result. My finding shortcuts through campus comes of the UGLi. Outdoors when you just advice to conservative students: do not let it get to you. This is Michigan, what did in handy.Cutting through buildings for need to cut for time, there are many op- you expect? So when President Coleman says “diversity,” you know it is time to warmth may sound silly, but on those tions depending on where you are. The laugh and start asking questions. blistering cold days, even 60 seconds Diag is the simplest choice, if you need indoors helps. The most popular choice to get to and from the MLB, State Street, 2. 2008 Presidential Race/Student Activism: By the time you get to campus, it is the Chemistry building on North Uni- and South University. The Law Quad, if will be election season, and the nation’s highest office will be up for grabs. Please versity. From the Diag, North University, going from State to East University (or vote, regardless of your party affiliation; it is your right and civic duty. That being or Church, it can provide a pretty great vice versa) is also convenient. said, many students will choose to volunteer for campaigns, which is also commend- escape from the cold. Most people use it Coming from South Universi- able. Be prepared for the people of Ann Arbor, the majority of University students to cut the corner on the way to the main SHORTCUTS Continued on PAGE 14 5 BIG Continued on PAGE 15 PAGE 6 05.00.20084.1.08 The Glossary Every year, The Michigan Review puts outs this compilation of various institutions and terms from around U-M cam- pus and culture, that sum up everything an incoming freshman could possibly need to know.

A “The Brown Jug”: AKA ing. Campus group that to you in class think that the Jug. A bar on South hosts 30 hour marathon former quarterback Chad “”: Central University with fairly for Mott’s Hospital every Henne really did cause the campus academic building good food, beer, and at- year that will have you so Holocaust. Caught some characterized by big white mosphere. In comparison sick of community ser- hell from UAC in 2004 for pillars, 24-hour operation, with Touchdowns, its vice by the end that you’ll publicizing that Olympic communist janitors, and heaven. push a child into the street. Gold Medalist and Michi- English professors that They’re instituting a draft gan “student” Michael have plush offices who “BTB”: Home of the this school year to con- Phelps intends to “major choose to meet for office cheap, delicious Mexican script more dancers. in pussy” during his four hours at hippy hang-outs food that attracts the most years here. Generally instead. drunk, stoned, and Greek “Diag”: Harassment capi- amusing. kids Ann Arbor has to tal of the world. Charac- “Ann Arbor”: AKA the offer. Used to be Big Ten terized by Festifall, Good- People’s Republic of 27 Burrito until the Big Ten ness Day, Falun Dafa Guy, square miles surrounded Conference threatened to meditating, Diag Preacher F by reality. A shell of a sue. screaming “You’re going Midwestern city taken to hell”, BAMN protests, “The Facebook”: The over by the University of “BTB Cantina”: Your Holocaust name read- most technologically ad- Michigan and “1960’s era” favorite burritos, now ing marathon, the LGBT vanced way to just *al- hippies. Also, a city that with alcohol. Located kiss-in, and hot girls in the most* hook up, and every- sees more major events above Good Time Charlies spring time. Sure-fire way body’s favorite distraction come through than any on South University, the to avoid being talked to: from papers. Between small college town is en- cantina opened in 2007 to big sunglasses and head- checking statuses, joining titled to. the excitement of all. The phones. groups, and designing the margaritas are cheap and perfect Advanced Wall “The Arb”: AKA Nich- you can even get high-end “Diversity”: The quality post, a sure GPA-killer. ols Arboretum. Beautiful tequila shots. Needless to of possessing difference. “living museum” of plants, say, spectactular. In University speak, this “Fish Bowl”: Angell trails, and fields located means a quantitative value Hall’s indoor comput- near the University Hos- “Buffalo Wild Wings”: corresponding directly ing site. Characterized pital. Characterized by AKA B-Dubs. Now es- to the number of “under- by large glass windows, couples on dates making tablished on campus for represented” minorities people walking around out, sketchy old guys mas- several years, this is *the* attending. For example, for hours on end trying to turbating behind trees, and place to watch the game. a class with 100% Black, find just one damn open ROTC jungle training lab Cheapest beer on campus. Hispanic, and Native computer, and rampant on Thursday nights (dudes American students would un-productivity due to so- in camo crawling around “Bursley AKA be considered 100% “di- rority-girl-social-hour and in silly patterns). The Arb BurLodge Baits”: North verse,” while a class of high-pitched laughing by has the rare distinction of campus residence halls 24% Asian Republicans, the Asian kids at 3am. being a favorite hangout of which, despite boasting 41% White Green Party the Unabomber during his the best cafeteria in Hous- members, and 35% Indian “Fraternities:” Groups University days.Watch out ing, are also characterized Democrats all of whom of men who spend $500 a for the stoners. by many lonely nights of belong to a variety of reli- month for a place to live hating not being on central gions and socio-economic furnished with cheaply “Assholes”: See BAMN, campus and many pissed backgrounds and have rented friends, date-rape MSA, GEO, PIRGIM, off mornings of missing varying sexual orientations drugs, and membership Fraternities, Sororities, The the bus. In Baits, watch would be considered 0% to a group identified by Michigan Review. See also out for the shared refriger- “diverse.” Greek letters that spell out College Republicans. ators…you only think that absolutely nothing. See was your meatloaf. “DPS”: AKA Department also Assholes. Glossary of Public Safety. As you will learn from the Daily B Crime Notes, they have C no suspects…ever…really. G “B-School”: AKA the But they will break up a at “College Democrats”: beer-pong tournament like “Gargoyle”: The Universi- the University of Michigan. People who support colla- no one’s business. ty’s official monthly hu- Characterized by caffeine- gen injections as a tool for mor magazine, which no wired, anal retentive indi- political advancement. longer comes out monthly, viduals that will probably was never humorous, and make mad cash by selling “College Libertarians”: E no longer sells for a dollar. their respective souls to College Republicans that Per issue, the Michigan corporate America. want legalized pot and “Econ 101”: A weeder Review is winning the con- hate Bush, but like fiscal class required for B-school test as a funnier publica- “BAMN”: AKA the Coali- conservatism. admissions whose tests tion, which says something tion to Defend Affirmative scarcely have anything to because we aren’t a humor Action (and integration, “College Republicans”: do with the study of eco- magazine. and to stop the racist war A toolbox concerned nomics. in [insert country here] and with pushing issues in “GEO”: The Graduate whatever else they feel like the Republican platform, “Espresso Royale”: Student Instructors’ union adding in that week) By many of whom will reach Known for their conspicu- that stands in *solidarity* Any Means Necessary. A great heights in politics ous advocacy of fair trade with virtually every other collection of revolutionary by kissing mucho ass. For coffee, the coffee king is the left-wing cause imagin- communists and Detroit example, drain commis- main competitor of Star- able. Characterized by high school students who sioner and zoning board bucks on campus. Home unkempt clothes, scruffy get off on causing trouble are reachable goals. See of the tragically hip indie hair, and office hours at and intimidating students also Assholes. kids and graduate students Espresso Royale and Cafe around campus. holding office hours. Ambrosia on Maynard Street. See also Assholes. “Blue Book”: An exam “Every Three Weekly”: style purported to test D A spin-off of The Michigan “Greens”: People that your knowledge of mate- Review humor section pub- helped George W. Bush rial, but actually a great “Dance Marathon”: The lished through the Uni- get elected. way to work on writing happiest people on earth, versity Activities Center. really, really quickly. and yes Disney was ly- Watch the stupid kid next 05.00.2008 PAGE 7

H “Mary Sue Coleman”: “North Campus”: Beauti- “SOLE”: A student group President of the University ful sprawling campus of for rich, white kids with “Hobo”: The homeless, of Michigan. She earns advanced academic fa- liberal guilt. Members and “NO! 25 cents is not more than half a million cilities and residence halls. help alleviate the stress of good enough.” In Ann bucks to run around cam- See also Boring and Far being rich and white by Arbor, the bums ask for pus muttering the word Away from Everything. campaigning for workers’ $2 and don’t even invite “diversity” to herself over rights at the most ridicu- you up to their apartment and over. Also, she feels lous levels and advocating for a beer. The West Hall really really really bad communism whenever arch reeks from this trade, about being white. Really. P possible to spite their par- and watch your garbage ents and damn the man. for daily can collections. “The Michigan Daily”: “Parking”: Like “Jaywalk- You’ll also meet homeless A group of mostly white, ing,” this term does not “Sororities”: Groups of teen runaways who play upper-middle-class stu- exist in Ann Arbor either. women who spend $500 Radiohead covers in front dents who put out a poorly a month for a place to live of Espresso Royale. written newspaper every “Pizza House”: The furnished with cheaply day about how white, up- unofficial restaurant of the rented slutty friends, the per-middle-class students University of Michigan right to get drunk and are oppressing people at student body. See also screw frat boys, and mem- I the University. They’ve Overrated, Overpriced, Open bership to a group identi- never met a walk-out they Until 4AM, and/or Cheesy fied by Greek letters that “In and Out”: A party didn’t like and their car- Bread Rocks. spell out absolutely noth- store—get your mind out toonists are starting kin- ing. See also Assholes and of the gutter. Good late dergarten this fall. “Pop”: The correct term for Editor-in-Chief. night pizza. the sweetened caffeinated “The Michigan League”: beverage which all you “Sun”: A large ball of The once-segregated hang- East-coasters, West-coast- flaming gas in the sky that out for women on campus, ers, and Southerners might disappears sometime in J it curiously hosts almost refer to as soda, a popular October and returns just in all Republican-affiliated baking ingredient. time for girls to wear tank “Jaywalking”: This term events on campus. Also, tops and Dominick’s to does not exist here. Damn where The Michigan Review open in April. you, vile pedestrians. office is located. Glossary Q “Jimmy John’s”: Located “The Michigan now on all four corners Review”: A diverse group “Queer Awareness T of the Diag, they have of women, minorities, and Week”: Annual event that reduced college students lower-middle class stu- encourages closeted ho- “Taubman”: Alfred, to be use of the cook stove to the dents who put out a hard- mosexuals to “come out.” exact. Billionaire mall mo- occasional “warming up hitting journal of commen- Includes a kiss-in in which gul and University donor my Jimmy John’s in the tary and analysis every you kiss a member of the that is now…in jail despite oven.” And yes the smells two weeks with a commit- same sex for everyone and having a medical library are free. ment to logic and truth so their mother to see on the and architecture school unyielding that we’re total Diag. See also A Good Day named after him. assholes. to Take Another Way to Class. K “The Michigan Union”: Central student center U “KerryTown”: Where filled with the joys of 1960s-era hippies hang out. Magic Wok and the most R “University Towers”: Ann Arbor shopping dis- profitable Subway in the An apartment complex trict. Be prepared to spend country. “Rich Rodriguez”: on the corner of South U lots of money on bulk New football coach of the and South Forest. Wins carob and fair-trade coffee “MSA”: The student as- . the award for sending the and encounter elderly pro- sembly of the University Formerly of West Virginia most irritating emails to try Palestinian protestors. of Michigan. A college University. Now loathed and get student renters. version of a student coun- by everyone without teeth cil the group claims to be for leaving . He’s institut- able to do many things for ing a new offense, defense, L students, usually around conditioning regime, and V election time, and gener- coaching staff. Perhaps “Liberal”: The haunt- ally fails to produce any- the number one topic of “Village Corner”: Conve- ing fear that somebody thing of substance beyond conversation on campus, nience store characterized somewhere can help them- “development” confer- besides burritos. by freaks that will take selves. ences and other perks for your fake ID...and some- themselves. Also great for “Rick’s”: Though you times, your real one. “Lloyd Carr”: For- resume stuffing and point- won’t get there until junior mer Head Coach of the less bickering. See also year, this is probably the Michigan Wolverines Assholes. hottest bar on campus. Varsity Football Team. Near Pizza House. Where Z High “overall” winning you’ll have your twenty- percentage, high “I blew first birthday until you “Zingerman’s”: A world- that one” percentage when N throw up. famous deli, most notable it matters. Was the high- for its $15 sandwiches and est dude at the school, “Naked Mile”: A grand bread as hard as a rock. too. Well, some doctor or old tradition here at the U But the food is delicious, something was higher, but where simple, innocent, S and it’s a place you want pretty close. Now beloved graduating seniors would to have your parents take by all and asundry. AKA liberate themselves in the “Sabrina Shingwani”: you. Droopy the Dog. elation of graduating and MSA President. We think. run stark raving naked for a mile while dodging “Shaman Drum”: A fire cops trying to take them trap of a local bookstore M down for indecent expo- with a quasi-monopoly on sure. The advent of sickos books for the social sci- “Main Street”: The gen- with streaming webcams ences. eral location of restaurants and a SWAT team parked and stores specifically de- on South U during the last “Snow”: White fro- MR signed for parents to take day of classes at 12am is zen stuff that falls to the their cheap students to on making this slightly more ground in Michigan for the visits. difficult. This hasn’t hap- majority of your education pened for a while. here. You’ll love it, hate it, and sled on trays in it. PAGE 8 05.00.2008 How to Use Your Hand BY CHERRI BUIJK ‘10 A Beginner’s Guide

THE STATE OF Michigan bears curious ad-hoc map. Thus, when a Michigander holds up their relatively communicate a location in their home state. resemblance to an upheld human hand, a hand and gestures to obscure points – a little below a This beginner’s guide will give you the basic scoop on resemblance long exploited for its use as an knuckle, just beside the thumb – they are attempting to what’s what and where it’s at in the Great Lakes state.

Ann Arbor – Your new home at Auburn Hills – Home of the Detroit Pistons Port Huron – Alternative gateway to Canada 1 the University of Michigan. 10 basketball, three-time NBA champions. for the southeastern Michigander (Detroit is 13 the other). Detroit – (aka The Motor City, 2 The D) Michigan’s largest city. Frankenmuth – What happens when you Michigan combine Michigan’s love for six months of Battle Creek – Also known as ‘Cereal City’: Historically, Detroit is best known for bleak winter and a truly American spirit of 14 location of Kellogg Company world its cars (Henry Ford founded his Ford monumentalization? Bronner’s Christmas headquarters and Post Cereals. Motor Company in the city in 1904), its Wonderland, located in Michigan’s city of music (think Motown), and its sports 11 Frankenmuth, is a year-round haven for the (Detroit Red Wings hockey and Detroit acquirement of seasonal goodies. But the real Traverse City -- Hosts a week long cherry Pistons basketball). draw of Frankenmuth is next door at Bavarian 15 festival in July. Popular spot for the family Inn for their world-famous family style chicken getaway to Northern Michigan. Detroit Landmarks: dinners. It will break your budget and your Joe Lois Arena – Home of the Detroit stomach, but there will be no regrets. Red Wings hockey, ten-time Stanley Cup champions Kalamazoo – Home of Western Michigan Comerica Park – Home of Detroit Tigers 16 University. baseball Grand Rapids – Home of Grand Valley Ford Field – Home of Detroit Lions 12 State University. football; hosted Super Bowl XL in 2006 18 Ypsilanti – This city lies just next door to Wayne State University Ann Arbor, some fifteen minutes east, and is home to Eastern Michigan University, well 8 17 known for its strong program in Education and its not-always-strong administrative decisions. 3 Lansing – Seat of Michigan’s capitol. The Upper Peninsula (U.P.) -- This lonely region, whose abbreviation East Lansing – Home of Michigan conveniently speaks to its 4 State University, one of our own Uni- theoretical location above our hand-y versity of Michigan’s bloodiest rivals. map, is disparately populated (its 18 largest county, Delta, could just about 19 match the University of Michigan Dearborn – Location of one of two 15 student body), bespeckled with University of Michigan satellite casinos, but most of all, a pristine 5 campuses. expanse for the nature lover.

Flint -- Location of one of two University Great Lakes – Chain of five 6 of Michigan satellite campuses. lakes; the largest freshwater 19 lakes in the world.

Holland – Not to be confused with Sleeping Bear Dunes – Lake- the country in Continental Europe. 20 side dunes running 35 miles 7 City in Western Michigan settled by 20 along the Northwestern Dutch immigrants; hosts an annual 11 Michigan coast. tulip festival in the spring.

Mackinac Island – (pronounced Mack-in-aw) This island just east of the 12 6 13 famed five-mile long Mackinac Bridge 8 is a national historic landmark that 7 3 permits no automobiles and makes the 4 10 best fudge you’ll ever taste. NOTE

Canton – This proud suburban 2 Michigan is in the Midwest. This does not town boasts Michigan’s one and 1 9 5 mean you are a near-eastern neighbor of only IKEA (the Swedish retailer 16 14 California: trudging through our other- specializing in affordable home 17 wise grossly inaccurate American History 9 and office solutions), attracting textbook, we find that the region just West collegiate hordes from such distant of the Appalachian mountains was chris- Midwestern regions as Michigan’s tened by Eastern settlers as the “Midwest” U.P. (see The Upper Peninsula). after grossly underestimating the vast area ILLUSTRATION CHERRI BUIJK / MR STAFF of land that stretched to the Pacific Ocean. Perspectives from a Transfer Student BY MEGAN LYTLE ‘11 mean. Some would have you think that at Michigan, the summer yet. Upon discovering that I was a trans- I TRANSFERRED TO U-M Ann Arbor from U-M only a divinely ordained few can aspire to maintain the fer student, one girl said, “Oh…I hear it’s easier to get Dearborn in the middle of my sophomore year. My good GPAs that were handed out like candy at our old in that way. I got in as a freshman. I had a 4.0 in high hopes weren’t unrealistically high - I was more or less schools. The Office of New Student Programs web- school. Did you get bad grades in high school?” aware of the fact that I was diving into a sea of pre- site, under “Transfer Advice,” includes tidbits, such I don’t mean to say that I regret coming here, be- tentious, elitist, resume-building socialites. Still, after as that “Be prepared to be humbled and surprised by cause I certainly don’t. It is a great university – you just the hours I’d spent filling out my transfer application the difficulty.” because “Michigan is harder. Michigan have to be prepared for the attitude and not let it intimi- and obsessively calling the admissions office to see if is better.” The attitude had already affected my fel- date you – or get sucked into it. One of the best things they’d received my transcripts and letters yet, I wanted low transfer students, who bragged about exactly how that I did was joining an organization – having some- to hope that I’d be able to find at least a couple other many difficult prerequisites they were taking at once, thing to focus on besides classes makes it a lot easier to people as interested in actually learning and enjoying and how grad schools won’t consider you if you don’t stay sane, and sometimes is a great way to meet like- things as they were in looking really good on paper. maintain a 3.999 GPA, and that they don’t care about minded people. While most classes here do require a Sure enough, most of my suspicions were con- learning because college was really about networking fair amount of hard work, success and happiness here firmed before classes started. Transfer orientation and building a resume anyway. is certainly attainable. As Mark Twain once advised, involved a long presentation about how much better As time went on, my suspicions were further con- just be sure not to let your schooling interfere with your Michigan is than whichever school we came from. If firmed. On my first day of class, a classmate expressed education. MR you’ve been to transfer orientation, you know what I concern/disgust that I hadn’t found an internship for 05.00.2008 PAGE 9 Major Issues How to Majorly Rethink Your Approach Takeor It to Choosing a Concentration Leave It College BY JANE COASTON ‘09 2. Take Classes You Like, But Don’t Go Overboard: BY MEGAN LYTLE ‘10 If you aren’t quite sure what you want to major in, it is CHOOSING A MAJOR can be a difficult decision. a good idea to take a wide variety of classes your first How can you narrow down your interests (you know, semester. But remember, when you do declare you will TAKE reading, writing, beer pong, the movie Dazed and Con- have a defined set of classes to take and requirements fused) into something to focus your undergraduate ca- to fulfill. Say, you’re interested in history. Maybe take Any English class taught by Ralph Wil- reer on? Here are some tips and tricks to remember as History 261—United States After 1865. That way, you liams. Ralph Williams is one of those you think about what you want to study in college. learn something and if you decide to major in history, very rare professors who seems to be uni- you’ve got half of the requisite series done. Also re- versally adored. By the time I’d been here 1. Don’t Declare Before You Show Up: You will meet member, you will probably need to take certain classes a week, three different people had told dozens of kids during your first few weeks at the Uni- to fulfill your Natural Science, Race and Ethnicity, and me that I needed to sign up for one of his versity. Almost all of them will tell you their major. Al- other requirements. classes eventually. He has a very distinc- most all of them are lying. Very few people who enter tive, dynamic lecturing style and is very the University with dreams of medical school actually 3. Talk to an Advisor. Really. I mean it.: passionate about his subject. His classes attend. That goes for engineering majors, future law- They are there and paid to make sure you get a diplo- tend to fill fast, and he’s retiring next year, yers, and English literature majors as well. In fact, there ma in something at the end of four years. They can di- so keep this in mind and register while are classes specifically designed to make sure that most rect you to classes you may not have thought of, and if you still have the chance. people never get there (they’re called “weeder” class- you’re thinking of doing anything like double majoring es). Hey, it’s okay to say “undecided”. It shows that or doing interdisciplinary work, it’s almost mandatory Biology 102 – Practical Botany. Yes, this is a class you’re ready to take on opportunities as they come to to talk to them. that fulfills your Natural Science requirement, and you, rather than make decisions based on high school it’s about gardening. Requirements include grow- classes, your parents, or your out-grown expectations. Here is the big lesson: Be flexible when deciding ing plants, interviewing people about their atti- your major, but don’t overstretch yourself class-wise. tudes towards plants, and simple biology knowl- MR edge. Most of all, you get to make wine; for some reason, it’s legal for students to have alcohol when they’re under 21 if it’s for educational purposes.

American Culture 204 – History of College Ath- What to Bring to College letics (John Bacon). I know, I know, it sounds ri- diculous, but according to the Office of the Regis- trar, this class already has the longest waitlist for BY JULIANNE NOWICKI ‘11 Bring a laptop that has wireless. While there are this fall, and the same happened last winter. The computers everywhere on campus, there will be days consensus is that John Bacon is a great professor, PACKING FOR YOUR first year of college may you will need to use your laptop outside or in your and that he has a lot of really interesting things seem like a no-brainer. But there are specific things you dorm room. While the Fishbowl may have looked to say about the history of sports, so if that sort of must not forget to pack. Here are some tips on what to fun on your tour, the reality is it becomes jam-packed thing interests you, this is a really great class. bring to Ann Arbor in order to prepare for your first with people, and waiting for a computer can take 10-15 year, and, more importantly, keep your sanity. minutes or more. Having a printer in your dorm room Classical Civilization 375 – War in Greek and First, bring your religious beliefs or convictions. Do makes life more convenient too. Roman Civilization (David Potter). The ancients not believe everything you read in class. You do not For your dorm room, there are things you can do to sometimes get an unfair reputation for being bor- have to change what you are just because you are go- make it comfortable and fun. Bring sticky tack so you ing. Not so with this class – not only is it fascinat- ing to U-M. There are plenty of churches and student can post pictures of family and friends in your desk ing, but the professor has a great sense of humor. organizations on campus to find people who can share, area without ruining them. Food-wise, it’s a great idea While not offered that often, it’s a great way to ful- support, and encourage your beliefs. to bring Tupperware containers, so you can bring ce- fill your ULWR. Bring good clothes and be prepared for the chang- real, bagels, fruit, or cookies to your dorm from the caf- ing climates in Ann Arbor. Your first few weeks, you eterias. Skip paying $4 for a cup of coffee by bringing a will encounter extremely humid weather, which will coffeemaker and traveling mug. become extremely freezing in winter. In the winter, Taking this advice, you will be savvier than your you have to have some boots with traction for the icy first-year peers. Remember to enjoy the college experi- AVOID and occasionally dangerous sidewalks. ence, get outside of your dorm room, and stay warm! MR Math 115, 116, etc. Unless you absolutely have to take these classes for your major, don’t do it. The university has all the inexperienced GSIs teach the lower level classes, The result is that the test aver- ages are routinely failing, and while they do curve Festifall: Lost and Found the exams, there are at least seventy-nine much better and less stressful ways to fulfill your QR re- quirement. BY CHERRI BUIJK ‘10 You don’t have to research the organizations on Maize Pages before Festifall, but it does help to have Psych 230 with Scott Baron. Rateyprofessors.com, EVERY YEAR, COUNTLESS student organiza- a game plan before you go. Know what interests you an excellent resource when searching classes, sum- tions set up booths on the Diag’s paths and yell at want to pursue, and you will be able to more quickly marizes the problems with the class. With about 5 passing students to join their group. Festifall is a great peruse. The organizations are assembled by similar bad reviews for every decent one, most agree that way to check out what the University has to offer and characteristics such as philanthropic pursuits or profes- lectures are confusing and vague at best. to get involved on campus. There are organizations sional frats, so navigation is simple. for every interest from the absurd, like the Michigan Many tables give out free stuff, but do not let them Chem 210, 211, etc. Unless you really like learning Review, to the ridiculous Squirrel Club, whose mis- talk you into signing up. Months afterwards, your email chemical concepts on your own with a bunch of sion statement is to guard and feed Ann Arbor’s un- will still be clogged by organizations you later realized conceited overachievers who spend most of their naturally overweight furry rodents. you do not have time for, and to which you regret giv- time bragging about how much more difficult their Though both may sound appealing, you have to ing out your unique-name. MR schedule is than yours, avoid this class. If you have ration and plan the amount of time you will spend on to take it, just bear in mind that the course pack organizations throughout the year. The biggest chal- advertises its tests as considerably harder than the lenge of freshman year is time management. course material. MR Limit yourself to getting involved in one or two groups that you are really passionate about – otherwise, you will be overworked FESTIFALL 2008 and overstressed by your obligations. If you September 4, 2008 can really dedicate yourself, it will be easy to UM Diag rise to a leadership position, which always looks good on a resume.

IMAGES WWW.ENGLISH-COUNTRY-GARDEN.COM & WWW.IMAGES.GOOGLE.COM PAGE 10 05.00.2008 Required Reading Books on Conservatism 101 BY NATHAN STANO ‘10 How to Be an I’M GOING TO let you in on a little secret; most of the required reading for your classes is not: a) interesting, b) useful, or c) necessary. We at the Review would like to put forth a list of books that you need to read in college, Ann Arbor but will never be assigned to you. Hipster Ludwig von Mises’s ‘Socialism’ It’s a long book, and probably not the liveliest reading, but it is the most devastating critique of socialism ever BY EVGENY MAGIDENKO ‘09 penned. You will win arguments with your yuppie friends, making it well worth the time commitment.

SO YOU WANT to be an Ann Arbor hipster, huh? Upon joining these elite, you Allan Bloom’s ‘The Closing of the American Mind’ will become one of a fiercely fierce minor- If you’ve ever wondered about the thought processes of the guy protesting something on the Diag, Professor ity. Women want to fit in their jeans, and Bloom’s book explains all. men want them to wear real pants. Those Arts & Culture & Arts uniformly vintage scarves and hats, and, of course, those faded red Che Guevara t- Thomas Woods Jr.’s ‘33 Questions About American History shirts, all say, “I am an individual because I shop at Urban.” Never mind the fact that You’re Not Supposed to Ask’ Che Guevara was a murderer and hardly a symbol for Don’t like the PC version of history? Neither do we. This will give you a heads up on what really happened. peace. He damned the man, and you should too! One-strap shoulder bags are a must for carrying books. Backpacks don’t reflect your evolution into a A book on Ronald Reagan college intellectual. No, you must slouch to reflect the Reagan was awesome, and you should read about him, as your professors will only inform you that he was not great burden of suffering you have imposed as a mid- awesome. Also, watching people’s smug looks as you cross the Diag reading a book with Reagan on the cover is dle-class white suburbanite. totally worth it. And, of course, what would shoulder bags be with- out a plethora of pins, commonly known as flair? You must have a pin showing your support of LGBTWT- A book on Thomas Jefferson. FROFLMAO. What’s that stand for? Who cares? It has Seriously. Jefferson encapsulates the core beliefs of conservatives: states’ rights, limited government; in a word, a rainbow background and a message in favor of diver- freedom. Don’t worry about that whole Sally Hemmings thing - that story broke in 1802. sity/tolerance/hummus. Now that we have your clothing and gear all set, you should know that you will never stand out without Dinesh D’Souza’s ‘Letters to a Young Conservative’ an empty birdcage in your dorm room. What for, you It’s been called the Swiss army knife for any emerging Republicans, providing a concise, conservative argument may well ask? Well, apparently real birds need to be for a number of political issues. looked after now and then. But remove the bird element and you have a handy retro-chic symbol of oppression! Nothing says ‘fight oppression’ like a wholesale trinket Mark Twain’s ‘The Adventures of Tom Sawyer or The Adven- that cost fifteen dollars. Okay, you also need to know where to hang out, tures of Huckleberry Finn’ right? If a hipster in the woods is an individual and no You’ll never be required to read some dead white male’s non-PC novel, so here’s your opportunity. Plus, when one notices, is he ever really one? A literary staple is you study abroad Junior year people won’t look at you funny when they realize you have no idea about your own Shaman Drum. There are regular poetry readings there culture or history. MR by poets you’ve never heard of, and books for sale that had been rejected by the Soviet press for being too so- cialist. And, oh, yes, of course, the children’s section where you can read all about the Lorax and his won- derfully hip agenda. Only issue is that Shaman Drum is way more expensive than everywhere else, so you may How to: find yourself sneaking out early in the morning to buy “The Communist Manifesto” on sale at Borders. Finally, you must know how to speak like a hipster. Not Look Like a Freshman This means majoring in Women’s Studies, Screen Arts and Cultures, or American Culture. This means watch- BY ADAM PASCARELLA ‘10 ing and memoriz- ing every Wes An- SO YOU’VE JUST arrived in Ann Arbor. Ex- parties during Welcome Week. While you will most The Look derson film ever pectations are high, and so is anxiety. You are about likely want to socialize and get to know your new made. This means to begin the greatest (we hope) four years of your neighbors after your parents leave campus, it is Oversized learning the pre- life. College is a totally different ball game then high simply a poor decision to decide to trek to a frater- Sunglasses cise origins of ev- school, though, and most seniors at U-M barely rec- nity party with ten or fifteen of your newest friends. ery coffee bean you ognize (and most likely regret) their actions as igno- Instead of walking down State Street at 10 P.M. consume, just in rant freshmen. Especially during Welcome Week, in a pack of freshmen, go to that party with only case a fellow hip- most upperclassmen instantly spot and incessantly two or three friends. You will blend into the crowd ster ever springs browbeat the naïve freshmen that flood campus. By of partygoers, and avoid the scrutiny that typical that question on following these simple guidelines, you will appear freshmen experience during Welcome Week. you, in test of your to be anything but a freshman. hipsterhood. • Don’t buy into the textbook rush. As soon as Bandana or Scarf In the end, • Know your way around campus. Nothing is freshmen arrive on campus, most immediately we love our Ann more embarrassing to a freshman than needing to decide to purchase their textbooks at the nearest Arbor hipsters. ask other students or other University personnel bookstore. Instead of accepting the excessive book They’re kind of like for directions in Ann Arbor. If you have free time, prices on campus, research textbook prices online the little accent pil- especially during your summer orientation, it is or even see if an upperclassman is selling their old low you buy, and always a good idea to simply walk and explore books. While there have been attempts to combat occasionally regret campus. Don’t know where the CCRB is? It’s better the elevated costs of books at campus bookstores, buying, to spruce to ask a local when you are totally unfamiliar with not much progress has been made, so it’s in your Old School up the living room the city during orientation instead of asking an best interest to use every resource to find the best Sneakers of your apartment. inebriated upperclassman during Welcome Week. deal. Plus, you may not need some of the books on Just be aware Walking around town glancing at a map like a tour- the professor’s syllabus, so be patient in your book when you come to ist will not only be embarrassing in the fall, but a search. Ann Arbor not to major problem when you’re already fifteen minutes let your personal- late for class. Following these basic strategies will allow you to ity fade as much as blend into the student population, appearing far your jeans. MR • Avoid traveling in large groups. Nothing more acclimated than you actually are. Appearanc- NOTE: This is a unisex look. screams “I’m a freshman!” more than seeing a es aren’t everything of course, but they can’t hurt group of ten friends traveling from the dorms to when you’re still a freshman. MR ILLUSTRATION EUN LEE / MR STAFF IMAGES WWW.IMAGES.GOOGLE.COM 4.1.0805.00.2008 PAGEP. 1111 Michigan Football: Please Don’t Panic Reasons to Stay a Fan Without Losing Your Mind The Weekend BY JANE COASTON ‘09 teams using that offensive positioning in games. Our news? Mgoblog.com is a terrific page and new conditioning coach, Mike Barwis (Google him, Brian, the author, has been of great help to LET’S ASSESS WHERE we are currently with the man is a beast), has really helped our linemen lose the Review in years past (after the Notre regards to the Michigan football team. As of spring weight and gain speed. Yes, the team looked unsure Dame win last year, he changed the header scrimmages, we aren’t exactly sure who our quarter- during spring practices. That could be, you know, be- to “Its Morning in America” with a photo of back is. Or who will start at wide receiver. Or who our cause its spring and all. Spring practices are meant for Ronald Reagan). Everyday Should Be Satur- defensive coordinator is. There is a lot of uncertainty in coaches and staff members to get an idea of what needs day (www.edsbs.com) is great for hilarious the air. And now won’t be the big- work and what is already working well. They are not takes on college football across the country, gest in the country for the upcoming season. There are meant to cause coronary implosions in football fans. as well as commentary on Michigan. lots of reasons to worry if you are a Wolverines fan, but The roster isn’t even set—a lot of freshmen haven’t ar- And remember, no matter what hap- I have one word for you: Don’t. rived on campus yet and there is still a lot of work to pens—its still Michigan. No matter Appa- Please, please, please don’t become the traditional be done. lachian State, no matter Ohio State—its still Michigan fan. Seeing a loss in every victory, a penalty Its important, as a Michigan football fan, that you Michigan. Winged helmets, Big Ten Cham- on every touchdown, making large mountain ranges avoid doom and gloom at all costs. Don’t read Drew pionships, “Hail to ”, Braylon, out of molehills. I’m not asking you to be eternally op- Sharp’s column for the Detroit Free Press. If Ivan Maisel Hart, Harmon, Woodson, Desmond. Keep timistic (you didn’t choose to go to Notre Dame, which is writing a Michigan-focused article for ESPN.com, that in mind when you are preparing for means you have some sense of “reality”), but I am ask- proceed with extreme caution. Look, I’m not saying that the first games against Utah and Miami of ing you to occasionally look at the bright side. you need to close your ears to criticism, but Michigan Ohio. Regardless of what happens this sea- We have a strong defense returning, and playing football attracts a lot of angry people with very little to son, cheer loud, stay classy, and don’t forget against the spread in practice should help them play do. My personal favorite websites for college football to Hail to teh Victors! MR Party Etiquette: Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll What to Do & What NOT to Do at Parties By Christina Hwang ‘11 DRUGS Ann Arbor is nationally recognized as one of the BY LINDSEY DODGE ‘10 IN CASE YOU haven’t heard yet, Ann Arbor is a most lenient cities in the United States regarding mari- ONE OF THE great things about college is the pretty liberal town. But how does this influence the cul- juana possession. If caught in possession of marijuana, seemingly endless list of parties to attend. Toga, Spot- ture around campus? Here’s what Ann Arbor has to a first-time offense results in a $25 fine, and then a light, Bar Nights, the list goes on. Yet one of the worst offer on the topics of sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll. $50 and $100 fine for repeated offenses. Possession in things about parties is when people behave like total Ann Arbor is neither a misdemeanor nor felony, but is idiots. Following is a list of suggestions for incoming counted as a civil infraction. freshman of how to make it out alive from the college SEX is held on the first Saturday of April at social scene. You know that store you pass by on South Univer- noon on the Michigan Diag as a means of celebrating sity, the one where you’re curious to see what’s in the marijuana culture. Hash Bashers claim their participa- 1. Play nice with the alcohol, unless someone chal- front window, but are kind of embarrassed to get too tion is to help reform marijuana laws and encourage lenges you – then you gotta kick that kid’s butt. It’s close? Welcome to the Safe Sex Store, a business that legalization of the drug. As lenient as drug laws are in a very simple rule that can be applied to nearly every has been in operation for 13 years. Owned by Beth Kar- the city, the University of Michigan campus remains arena in life. Don’t go asking for trouble, like knock- meisool, a student at the University’s School of Public under the jurisdiction of the state. This means that if ing back six shots of tequila and then flipping through Health, the Safe Sex Store provides products to spice up caught with possession, students face much more se- the contact list on your cell phone. However, if your college students’ lives. Karmeisool also uses her busi- vere charges. authority as resident BAMF is called into question, ness as a way to educate her customers regarding sex- then defend your reputation with no holds barred. ual health issues, explaining that coming to her store, Nothing, not any amount of Pabst Blue, can take the rather than any other pharmacy or drug store, will “get ROCK & ROLL place of honor lost. you the information that you need about your sexual The University of Michigan’s hosts health.” many symphonies and classical musicians, but offers a 2. Do not go upstairs with someone without first Safe Sex Store not intimidating enough? Are you diverse offering of artists from all genres. Ludacris, Bob clarifying certain basics. Yeah, sure, you’re probably into exhibitionism? Maybe it’s time for you to partake Dylan, Bob Marley, and Pink Floyd are but a few of the fancy-free after high school and looking to carpe diem. in a true University of Michigan tradition: the Na- artists that have performed for Michigan students. But when the person you’ve chosen to do so with is ked Mile. Run primarily by seniors on the last day of For those who want to hear more local music and only used to seizing the donuts and cheesy bread, classes, students would streak through a pre-designed indie bands, there are plenty of clubs throughout town you’ll wake up in the morning and regret that deci- course through campus. However, if you decide to run catering to such specialties. The Blind Pig, a favorite sion. Also, it is often helpful to have a sober friend at naked on the last day of classes, you may be the only among college students, hosts up-and-coming bands. the party with you, who you can refer to in times of one - the Naked Mile stopped in 2004 due to arrests and Whatever Ann Arbor’s flaws, there is no question crisis. Remember: friends don’t let friends take home increased videotaping of the event. Why not reinstate that Ann Arbor is a pretty sexy, rocking town. MR paper-baggers. the tradition? 3. Don’t break and/or ruin things that do not belong to you. This would appear far more straight-forward than reality proves it to be. The fact of the matter is coasters in the world, three haunted houses, and four that people often don’t care if it doesn’t belong to them haunted outdoor walk-through attractions. The park is – if it’s impeding their drunken walking, then it needs Day Trips located only two hours away in Sandusky, Ohio, and to go. Don’t be that person. They may be funny in the BY ALYSE HUDSON ‘11 admission is roughly forty dollars for the day. evening, but when the day comes and they have to If you don’t want to go to Michigan’s southern pay for a new chair or have irritated everyone in the ANN ARBOR IS the perfect college town with neighbor, pay a visit to its friendly neighbor in the apartment, then the last laugh is on them. its wide variety of restaurants, shops, cafés, and bars. north: Canada. Since the legal drinking and gambling However, as the school year progresses, it’s not uncom- age are 19 in Ontario, you can stop by a casino or go to 4. Don’t drink and drive. Drink and stumble around mon to feel trapped in the limited confines that are Ann a bar without the fear of getting a MIP or your fake ID with your equally drunk friends. Driving after a big Arbor. Don’t fret. There are many fun ways to escape confiscated. However, when crossing the border, make drinking night is an obvious no-no, but also walk- the city limit. sure to have either a passport or a birth certificate and a ing home alone is poorly considered. Instead, make Cedar Point hosts Halloweekends from September picture ID. Border control may be a hassle, but the real sure that everyone is on the same page as to leaving 12 until November 2. The thrills include the best roller benefit of turning 19 is only to be had in Canada. together, and don’t leave a friend behind just because Stay closer to home and enjoy Detroit’s profession- you’re so schwasted you forgot they existed. That’s al sports teams. Throw an Octopus on the ice at the Red lame. No one likes that person. Wings’ Joe Louis Arena. Catch a foul ball at a Tigers game in September. Cross the street from Comerica 5. Inebriated singing and dancing is fun for you, fun Park to Ford Field and watch the Lions’ football team for people watching you, and contributes to the party (and likely watch them lose). atmosphere. Never again in your life will you be able For the freshmen who were not lucky enough to to scream “Don’t Stop Believing” at the top of your win an opportunity to purchase a parking space in the lungs while wiggling your arms off the beat without lottery, the University offers vehicles for rent at reason- being thought of as an enormous fool. So go ahead able prices. Also, The Arts at Michigan program offers and do it, because as shown above everyone benefits. the opportunity to travel on the “culture bus” to des- You get to tell your kids, “Those were the days” and ignated locations, or to create your own proposals for actually mean it, your friends either get to join in or destinations. In short, don’t get stuck in a rut in Ann make fun of you in the corner, and everyone feels IMAGES WWW.CEDARPOINT.COM Arbor, when there is plenty of exploring to be done better that the party they are at is such a huge success. Cedar Point in Sandusky, Ohio is a great place to visit for a weekend. With rides such as Chaos and Demon Drop as outside of U-M campus. MR MR well as great views of Lake Erie, its a perfect place to relax. P.PAGE 12 05.00.20084.1.08 Fantasy Classroom Crosswords get old, and you can only play so many games of Solitaire. Not to worry! Thanks to our friends at The Daily Northwestern, we now have another option for our time-wasting needs. Enjoy!

BY COLIN UTLEY, the daily northwestern

This is for everyone who is sick of lectures, crosswords and Su- doku. It’s called Fantasy Classroom. I’ve played it these past two quarters and can safely say it works. So from the cloth tablature itself (a Giordano’s napkin) and published in print for the first time, here are the rules to Fan- tasy Classroom. Players:

Ideally, FC is played with two members of the same sex, each of whom are in the same class, along with an arbitrator. The arbitrator is not necessarily of the same sex. The class should be a mixture of lecture and discussion; for example, American Cultural History is an ideal class. Team Make-Up:

You draft one person for every 10 in the class. Round to the nearest 10. You also draft one Greek and one attractive member of the opposite sex. For example, if there are 37 students in class, you draft four players, plus your Greek and hottie. You are allowed to draft your Greek or hottie as one of your regular team players if you so choose. You cannot draft yourself. If the class is 50 minutes long, you must draft after the first class. If the class is 80 minutes long, you can draft during a break or after the first class. If the class is 120 minutes or more, you MUST draft during the break.

PHOTO JOSEPH XU / MR STAFF Caption here. Point System: The object - simply put - is to outscore your opponent over the course of the semester. You score points only during class time or discussion section. Office hours are void. Each characteristic or action is worth only one point unless otherwise indicated. You score if:

- YOUR GREEK wears his or her letters to class (shoes and bags included). Extra point if someone else in the room is wearing the exact same article of clothing.

- YOUR OPPOSITE SEX HOTTIE looks better than your opponent’s hottie on that day. If consensus cannot be reached, the arbitrator will decide. If it is mutually determined between the players that there is only one hottie in class, forego this player for the quarter.

The rest of the rules pertain to your regular players. Unless your Greek or hottie has been drafted as a member of your regular team, they can only score points for letters and supreme attractiveness. You score if your player: Fantasy Classroom Fantasy ...comments about things they did in other countries. ...pantomimes quotation marks during a comment. ...makes a pop culture reference. ...breaks silence in discussion section. ...tells a personal story. Extra point if the professor has difficulty connecting it to discussion or cannot fluidly transition out of the story. ...accuses the media and/or campus of being liberally biased. ...makes any comment/question that extends the class period. ...uses a statistic in a comment. ...looks up information on Wikipedia or Google to use in discussion. ...asks a stupid question or gives a stupid answer (arbitrator may be necessary. ...says “I took a class about it.” ...attempts to explain “irony,” “postmodernism” or anything by Ayn Rand. ...gives a needless summary of other people’s comments. ...uses a word you have only seen on the SAT Verbal section or any word longer than seven letters. ...wears clothing from an Ivy League university. ...comments and the professor immediately dismisses, interrupts or just lets the comment linger in silence. IMAGE HTTP://WWW.FLDOM.ORG ...does a crossword. Extra point if they finish it. ...falls asleep in class. ...their cell phone rings. Extra point if theirr ing can be considered a “guilty pleasure.” Places to Play at U-M ...attempts a deliberate joke.

One caveat: if one of your players says, verbatim and without qualifiers, “I was wrong,” you automatically win the quarter. Any Literature, Science, and the Arts class. Feel free to join the “I Play Fantasy Classroom” group on Facebook, where you can suggest new rules and nominate people who have carried your team to fantasy Any class with a well-known professor. glory for the “Fantasy Classroom Hall of Fame.” Have fun. And don’t forget to take notes. Any B-School class. Any and all Residential College classes.

© The Daily Northwestern reprinted with permission. 4.1.0805.00.2008 PAGEP. 1113 Advertisements & Continuations

POLITICAL AFFILIATION Continued from PAGE 4 ers being eigtheen. It is presumed that people are old monitor government, and understanding that can only point with tolerance of differing viewpoints enough to vote at this age; however, this doesn’t mean ameliorate the present confusion about what the party or an inability to question opinions. These are they always increase their political awareness. lines mean. all different things that are often rolled into Although it may not always appear so, Michigan Even beyond this, there is a growing schism be- the same package. Look beyond the image. is a hotbed of political discussion. Many of the Univer- tween different factions, in particular within the con- Ask questions. That is the only way to arrive sity’s policies are the results of clear political agendas, servative party. Now a large proportion of people are at a fully-formed, reliable point-of-view. right or wrong, and to be aware of them is the first step no longer agreeing with what it means to be a Repub- So embrace this important, intellectual towards political acuity. lican, and as such have begun to branch out with their exercise. Make it a habit to check the New This does not mean “choose a side.” The conflict candidates, as was evidenced by the vastly differing na- York Times or the Wall Street Journal every of Democrat versus Republican represented in such a ture of Romney’s, Paul’s, and McCain’s proposed poli- morning before heading to class. It will only Red-Rover elementary school way suggests an arbi- cies. This is an exciting prospect for college students, take ten minutes, and it will help prepare trary nature to peoples’ choice, which is worrisome. because now not only are they learning about the party you for a lifetime of political participation. Rather, students should get involved and thinking in system, but they are automatically involved as voters And don’t forget to pick up the Review, your the media, and when they begin to realize their own in what the new parties will look like for other future first step on-campus to real discussion. MR sympathies and values turning up in policies, then they students. will begin to detect a liberal or conservative strain to It was once remarked that the purpose of an open their thinking. It is important to remember that the par- mind is to find something sturdy and worthwhile to ties arose out of clear principles over the correct way to close upon. Do not confuse having an open mind at this P.PAGE 14 05.00.20084.1.08

SHORTCUTS Continued from PAGE 5

ty, near the Greek hous- es or Oxford Housing, instead of taking South University up to Church Street to get to buildings on North University, taking Washtenaw to Geddes can cut travel by a few crucial minutes. And of course, there’s the bridge behind the Museum of Natural His- tory and , if you are coming from any of the buildings near Observatory. Also, definitely get comfort- able with the bus sys- tem. Buses run regularly throughout the week, even on weekends. You may find you won’t have to do much walking at all. And of course, don’t be afraid to explore your own shortcuts. MR

mian edge, and sells ev- erything from jewelry, clothing, and scarves to small paintings and sculptures. Orchid Lane is a great place to destress and go shopping after taking a rough exam or receiving your first UM grade. You can also buy good gifts for people there. Other stores such as Urban Outfitters, Biv- ouac, and Poshh also have stylish clothing and accessories, but at a more expensive price. Ann Arbor has many other great things to check out, and these are just a few. Take time to explore these and other cool oddities of Ann Ar- BEST AA Continued from PAGE 5 sells everything in the store for $15 Lane is a smart, realistic, and fun bor, and enjoy your year in A2! MR or less. On a college budget, Orchid choice for shopping. It has a bohe- Advertisements & Continuations & Advertisements

PHOTO JOSEPH XU / MR STAFF 4.1.0805.00.2008 PAGEP. 1115P.

PHOTO JOSEPH XU / MR STAFF EAT AA Continued from PAGE 5 specialty pizza. If you’re in the mood for casual South- Advertisements & Continuations western dining, The Prickly Pear on Main Street is a great choice, especially if you wash down the salsa with a frozen lemonade. When the parents are in town, the options are as open as their wallets. Palio and Gratzi, both located on Main Street, are great Italian places. For excellent Indi- an cuisine, Shalimar on Main Street is the place to go. And of course there’s the famed Zingerman’s deli on Detroit Street. The most expensive sandwich you (or your parents) will ever pay for, but worth every cent. These are just a few of the great dining options Ann Arbor has to offer for any occasion and on any income. Definitely take the chance to explore and find your own favorite spots. MR

5 BIG Continued from PAGE 5 Subscribe to our and the majority of the faculty to support the Democrat- news feed and ic candidate vocally and visibly. If you plan on casting a vote for a Republican, fear not. The College Republi- gets the news cans will likely be out in full force for Senator McCain, and more than willing to take all the help they can get. as it happens. You can often tell “activists” apart from other students by their protest chants and crummy fliers. Avoid them unless you want an earful. Find out more about our

3. “In Rod We Trust” and the New Michigan RSS and Javascript Football: With the retirement of Lloyd Carr and the syndication options at: hiring of former West Virginia head coach Rich Rodri- guez, a new era is dawning for Michigan Football. The www.michiganreview.com institution of a spread offense promises to refocus the Michigan team, and perhaps throw off opponents used WWW.MICHIGANREVIEW.COM to Michigan’s decidedly anachronistic previous style of play. How this will turn out is uncertain, but the talent of the Michigan squad and the tough practice style of Rodriguez are reminiscent of a Schembechler Michigan we’d love to see again. The Michigan team under Bump Elliot got a rude awakening when Coach Schembechler arrived in Ann Arbor, just as Carr’s Wolverines have been pushed in spring practice by Rodriguez. Perhaps Coach Rodriguez has already re-hung Schembechler’s THE MICHIGAN REVIEW famous sign, “Those Who Stay Will Be Champions.” Only time will tell if University football fans will be is now in your ear. cheering “In Rod We Trust” at the Big House. Contin- ued on Page 15

4. Construction on Campus: When you get to cam- pus, odds are you’ll notice the many construction proj- Check out our podcasts online ects. North Quad, the UM Art Museum, and the Big House skyboxes are just a few of the projects that your tuition is funding. Sure it is great that we can enjoy top with guests and commentary! notch buildings, but it makes getting around a real has- sle. Use welcome week to find a few shortcuts around the construction and you should be able to avoid a ma- jor headache. Be glad that you do not own a car. Podcasts can be 5. Get Out of Your Dorm Room: As much as you love Super Smash Brothers, Ann Arbor is too interest- found at: ing and quirky a place to not explore. Get on that bus or just walk around town. Determine the lay of the land, not to mention where all your classes are, and you will find the many unique shops and eateries that help WWW.MICHIGANREVIEW.COM make Ann Arbor the town it is. MR P.PAGE 16 05.00.20084.1.08 Go GREEK? Greek history is best described as “Nasty, brutish, and short,” as

Off are most conversations about going Greek on U-M campus. Here - are two voices, one Greek and one not, to argue the two views. Pro Greek Life Anti Greek Life

Face Face BY ADAM PASCARELLA ‘10 BY JONATHAN SLEMROD ‘10

IN THE 2003 film Old School, Will Ferrell’s character Frank, a I BEGIN THIS column by stating that I have never been a member of the married yet youthful character, becomes the pledge master in a newly Greek system in college, nor have I thought about joining at any point. Sure, founded fraternity established by his friends. As an elderly pledge, joining a fraternity or sorority may help you meet people in a large school, it Blue, has failed to provide enough ice in Frank’s lemonade, he ex- may provide you with some academic benefits, and you might end up doing claims, “Blue, how come there’s no ice in my lemonade?” as he throws some community service along the way. These are the textbook examples that the drink into a swimming pool. “Drop down and give me ten. Now!” members of the Greek system will give you when asked “why?” And admit- Frank screams as Blue frantically makes an attempt at push-ups. tedly these may shed some light on Greek intentions. But this argument leaves When most anticipatory high school seniors hear the phrase “Greek Life,” out a major point: when joining the Greek system, you are at major risk of look- the images that first come to mind are undoubtedly from pop culture. The ing like a douche bag. depictions of fraternity life in Old School and Animal House, in addition to the It is not true that without the Greek system it is difficult to find friends at laughable portrayals of sorority life in ABC’s Greek, reveal that “going Greek” Michigan. In a college of 40,000, I find it strange that holing yourself up in a will assuredly lead to hazing, everlasting drunkenness, and nonstop gossip be- house with your fraternity brothers or sorority sisters is the best way to meet tween spoiled Greek members. In actuality, Greek Life at U-M is a life-changing a wide range of people. Spending your freshman year in the dorms is the best experience that few will regret after four years at Michigan. While the Greek chance you will have at college to make new friends. system may initially be intimidating, those who take the plunge will begin to Academically, the Greek system has higher GPAs than the non-Greek understand that the media’s portrayal of Greek life is false. crowd, but they probably use more performance-enhancing drugs such as Ad- For one thing, the U-M Greek system provides students with a greater sense derall. It is no coincidence that when you walk through the UGLI during finals, of community at a university that has over 40,000 undergraduate and gradu- you often will see frat guys working much more furiously than any other de- ate students. The university can be an intimidating place, especially if you’re mographic. a freshman. Going through Rush is a rewarding experience in itself since it is It is really great that members of the Greek system are proud of the com- a great opportunity to meet other new students, even if you eventually decide munity service that they do. But to me, Greek Week seems more like a clever not to pledge a house. If you do join a fraternity or sorority, though, you im- PR stunt that efficiently clogs up the Diag and makes Greek members look like mediately find a community in which you will form lifelong relationships with idiots while doing it. If Greek members were truly interested in helping the your fellow Greek members. Some of your best friends in the Greek system community, they would donate the money spent on Greek-lettered hoodies may even become your best man or maid of honor at your wedding. The fam- and caps to the Ann Arbor Soup Kitchen. ily-like connections and sense of camaraderie that you can develop in Greek Perhaps the most compelling reason to avoid the Greek system is the repu- life are difficult to precisely replicate outside of fraternities and sororities. tation that you will inevitably get. Members of fraternities and sororities are Joining a fraternity or sorority not only allows you to form close relation- looked at differently by the rest of campus. Whether or not people cast a posi- ships with fellow Greeks, but it also offers you other tangible academic ben- tive or negative light on a specific person depends largely on which house that efits. Most houses have old tests and study guides for many of the classes at person is in. Personally, the sight of certain Greek letters to me is an automatic the university that you can use to help prepare for final examinations. Addi- trigger in my brain to judge. tionally, many fraternities and sororities have resident scholars that can help Many of my friends that joined the Greek system their freshman year now you prepare a polished resume, assist you with graduate school applications, hate the whole experience. But once you are in, many people feel compelled to and answer any questions you have about a troublesome class. While you stay where they are. A girl I met freshman year has no problem admitting that may think that the Greek system is full of alcoholics, fraternity and sorority she “hates her sorority more than life itself” but can’t quit now, because she members have innumerable academic resources at their fingertips which helps feels too far in. Two other girls I know simply couldn’t put up with the Greek explain why Greek members have higher GPAs on average than non-Greek bureaucracy and the arbitrary rules that come with being a member (especially members. if you live in a frat or sorority house). So they packed up their bags, depledged, U-M Greek Life sponsors an annual philanthropy event called Greek and returned to life as a normal college kid. Week. The seven-day event in the spring allows the entire Greek community Joining the Greek system may seem like a quick and relatively easy way to to come together and participate in events that raise tens of thousands of dol- meet other kids in college. And if you buy all the seemingly great things that lars for local and national charities. From volunteering to sing in front of count- they sell to you during rush, you will probably think your new letters are the less Greek members to flooding your opponents jar with quarters during the greatest thing since sliced bread. The next thing you know, you will be lined penny wars competition – the price of inflation - Greeks spend the entire week up in the basement of your fraternity naked with a hamster in your ass, Greek in solidarity while passionately participating in numerous charity events. It letters branded on your chest, surrounded by your new pledge brothers. But is one of the largest philanthropic efforts on campus and something that the no worries, you’ll be way too hammered to remember any of it. Welcome to entire community can appreciate every year. Greek life. MR Don’t get me wrong. Many Greeks love to party. But in the end, there are a myriad of advantages to joining Greek life besides the opportunities to social- ize. Will Ferrell’s character in Old School would certainly cringe at the thought. MR

Interfraternity Council ΑΔΦ - Alpha Delta Phi ΑΕΠ - Alpha Epsilon Pi U-M Greeks ΑΣΦ - Alpha Sigma Phi The University of Michigan has almost 60 active fraternity ΧΦ - Chi Phi and sorority chapters on campus. This information and ΧΨ - Chi Psi ΔΧ - Delta Chi more regarding Greek activity at U-M can be searched on ΔΚΕ - Delta Kappa http://www.umich.edu/~greeks/index.htm. Epsilon ΔΤΔ - Delta Tau Delta Multicultural National Pan- ΔΥ - Delta Upsilon Greek Council Hellenic ΚΣ - Kappa Sigma ΛΧΑ - Lambda Chi Alpha αΚΔΦ - alpha Kappa Council ΦΔΘ - Phi Delta Theta Delta Phi ΔΤΛ - Delta Tau Lambda ΑΚΑ - Alpha Kappa Alpha Panhellenic FIJI - Phi Gamma Delta ΔΘΨ - Delta Theta Psi Sorority, Inc. ΦΚΨ - Phi Kappa Psi Association ΚΦΛ - Kappa Phi Lambda ΑΦΑ - Alpha Phi Alpha PIKE - Pi Kappa Alpha Fraternity, Inc. ΛΦΕ - Lambda Phi ΑΧΩ - Alpha Chi Omega ΠΚΦ - Pi Kappa Phi Epsilon ΔΣΘ - Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc. ΑΔΠ - Alpha Delta Pi ΠΛΦ - Pi Lambda Phi ΩΓΠ - Omega Gamma Pi ΙΦΘ - Iota Phi Theta ΑΓΔ - Alpha Gamma Delta ΨΥ - Psi Upsilon ΠΑΦ - Pi Alpha Phi Fraternity, Inc. ΑΦ - Alpha Phi ΣΑΕ - Sigma Alpha ΣΛΒ - Sigma Lambda Beta ΚΑΨ - Kappa Alpha Psi ΧΩ - Chi Omega Epsilon International Fraternity, Inc. ΔΔΔ - Delta Delta Delta ΣΑΜ - Sigma Alpha Mu Fraternity, Inc. ΩΨΦ - Omega Psi Phi ΔΓ - Delta Gamma - Sigma Nu ΣΛΓ - Sigma Lambda - Delta Phi Epsilon ΣΝ Gamma National Fraternity, Inc. ΔΦΕ ΣΦΕ - Sigma Phi Epsilon Sorority, Inc. ΦΒΣ - Phi Beta Sigma ΚΑΘ - Kappa Alpha Theta ΣΠ - Sigma Pi ΘΝΞ - Theta Nu Xi Fraternity, Inc. ΚΚΓ - Kappa Kappa Gamma Multicultural ΦΣΡ - Phi Sigma Rho ΘΧ - Theta Chi Sorority, Inc. ΣΓΡ - Sigma Gamma Rho PHOTO / MR STAFF Sorority, Inc. ΠΒΦ - Pi Beta Phi JOSEPH XU ΘΞ - Theta Xi - Zeta Sigma Chi ΖΣΧ ΖΦΒ - Zeta Phi Beta Sorority, ΣΔΤ - Sigma Delta Tau The Rock is famous for being painted by Greek students after being initiated into their respective Triangle Multicultural ΣΚ - Sigma Kappa Sorority, Inc. Inc. houses, but they certainly aren’t the only ones. Here Karen gets a great shout-out courtesy of the rock ΖΨ - Zeta Psi on her birthday. Apparently Karen is also multilingual.