The Michigan Review The Jour nal of Campus Af fairs at the University of Michigan

Welcome Freshmen!

Summer Orientation Issue

Summer 2007 Volume XVI, Issue 1

Inside: The Fall’s 5 Biggest Issues, p. 3 Editorials, p. 4 First Day Advice, p. 5 Faceoff on Greek Life, pp. 6-7 Essential Campus Glossary, pp. 8-9 Big House Etiquette, p. 13 Best of Ann Arbor, p. 14 Detroit Guide, p. 15

WWW.MICHIGANREVIEW.COM First two copies free, additional copies $3 each. Stealing is illegal and a sin. (Exodus 20:15) P. 2 Page Two Summer 2007

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW www.michiganreview.com page two. Editorial Board: the michigan review Michael P. O’Brien Editor-in-Chief Mary Sue Coleman Speech Mad Lib Adam Paul Executive Editor Students, welcome to the University of Michigan. Your experience is sure to change your ______Brian Biglin (life/outlook/sexual preference). We are glad to have you with us on campus this term and look Managing Editor forward to ______(teaching/indoctrinating/ignoring you for lucrative donors) over the next four years. I will keep this speech short because _____(I only have so many good stock speeches/want to Rebecca Christy Content Editor return to avoiding students/see you are all reading the Michigan Review—don’t do that).

Chris Stieber I would now like to introduce a ______(student/forgettable second tier administrator/oppressed Content Editor person) who will speak briefly to you about the impor- Jonny Slemrod tance of ____ (diversity/divers-irificness/divers-itude). Lindsey Dodge Assistant Editors [Sulks as she realizes that her own speech will now be re- dundant to whatever speaker has just said] Business Staff:

Karen Boore Thank you for that inspiring speech. I would like to take Publisher a moment to _____ (inspire/bertate /self-aggrandize to) you about the opportunity that is now open to you as stu- Danny Harris dents. Michigan remains an amazing ____ (institution/ Associate Publisher community of scholars/cult). Now that you are a part Staff Writers: of this community you will be able to take advantage of _____ (great learning/sub-par dinning hall food/lines at Michael Balkin, Steven Bengal, David Brait, Erin Buchko, Kelly Cavanaugh, the Fishbowl). These experiences will connect you to with Actual 2005 Photo from the University Record of Jane Coaston, Marie Cour, Lindsey Dodge, other students in ways that will ______(make you better Blake Emerson, Christine Hwang, Eun Lee, students reading The Michigan Review during Anna Malecke, Brian McNally, Miquelle people/expand your horizons/scar you for life). You are President Mary Sue Coleman’s Convocation Milavec, John O’Brien, Kate O’Connor, Adam likely living with a new person whom you don’t know but speech. (Martin Vloet, U-M Photo Services). Pascarella, Eddie Perry, Danielle Putnam, Shanda Shooter, Chris Stieber, Evan Wladis, you will surely get to know them as they ____ (engage Christina Zajicek, Zack Zucker your intellectual interests/eat your food/walk around naked). Letters and Viewpoints: You are now an important part of the University’s goal of continu- The Michigan Review accepts and encourages ■ Serpent’s Tooth letters to the editor and viewpoints. Letters to the ing to _____ (improve the world/extort huge sums of money from editor should be under 300 words. Viewpoints your families/tokenize students). You will make this goal possible can be arranged by contacting the editorial board. by the work and effort that you will put into ____ (your course- We reserve the right to edit for clarity and length. work/encouraging Michigan athletic teams/becoming socially ac- Send all correspondence to [email protected]. tive). I would like to welcome each student to campus by _____ (quoting a famous person/having cookies at my house one day a About Us: year/making public addresses). The Michigan Review provides a broad range of in-depth coverage of campus affairs and serves as the literary voice of conservatism and libertarian- So, welcome to ____ (Michigan/Ann Arbor/my world—there’s ism at the University of Michigan. The Review is no turning back now). published bi-weekly September thru April.

Donate/Subscribe: The Michigan Review accepts no financial support Letter From the Editor from the University. Therefore, your support is critical and greatly appreciated. Donations above $35 are eligible for a 1-year (12 issues) subscrip- elcome to Ann Arbor. take the pulse of trends and undercurrents going on, this is your tion. Donations can be made on our website at paper. , or mailed to: W www.michiganreview.com Somehow, you ended up at the University of Michigan. This We also love to laugh. Our humor page—Serpent’s Tooth— might have been your “reach” school, or it could have been a is a regular feature on Page 2. And if this summer issue is any 911 N. University, Suite One safety school. But none of that matters anymore. Not. One. clue, we like to keep things a little irreverent. We’re students, Ann Arbor, MI 48109 Bit. after all. Why waste college acting like a 55-year-old? The Michigan Review is the independent, student-run conservative College is a whole new ballgame, baby. Most importantly, the Review is an outlet for conservative and libertarian journal at the University of Michigan. We neither solicit nor accept monetary donations from the University. Con- Your new life here will have blessings and curses. You’ll and libertarian—contrarian, really—opinion and thought on tributions to The Michigan Review are tax-deductible under sec- make lifelong friends and have a few meltdowns. You’ll learn campus. The atmosphere on campus can be stiflingly liberal, and tion 501 (c)(3) of the Internal Revenue Service Code. The Michigan Review is not affiliated with any political party or any university so much, and become a little stupider, too. If you’re a freshman, we’re a bastion of refuge from that. But we’re not Ann Coulter political group. you’re about to find out. And if you’re not, well, you probably aspirants, nor are we the literary wing of the College Repub- already know. licans. Rather, The Michigan Review provides the intellectual Unsigned editorials represent the opinion of the editorial board. Ergo, they are unequivocally correct and just. Signed articles, let- U-M can be a confusing place, in so many ways. That brings capital of conservatism on campus. ters, and cartoons represent the opinions of the author, and not me to this little publication you’ve got in your hands right now. So this is your introduction to the Review. People say first necessarily those of The Review. The Serpent’s Tooth shall repre- sent the opinion of individual, anonymous contributors to The Re- It’s The Michigan Review. We’re an independent journal of cam- impressions count, and I hope this one is positive. But more view, and should not necessarily be taken as representative of The pus affairs that should help you cut through the confusion dur- importantly, love us or hate us, take the opportunity to read us Review’s editorial stance. The opinions expressed in this publica- tion do not necessarily reflect those of the advertisers or the ing the next four years. during the next four years. If you think you can help, join us! See University of Michigan. What we do is simple: We try to be the voice of rationality the ad on the back page for details. And if you’ve got something on campus through good journalism and smart commentary, all to say, write us. Copyright © 2007, The Michigan Review, Inc. All rights reserved. while not taking ourselves too seriously at the same time. U-M’s a great place to be, and I’d like to think that The The Michigan Review is a member of the Collegiate Network. When President Coleman talks about “diversity,” we ask Michigan Review is at least one small element of what makes what, exactly, that means. When students accuse others of com- Michigan so great. mitting a hate crime, but offer no evidence, we ask what really Keep reading. I’ll see you on campus. happened. When city administrators encroach on students’ so- cial habits, we stand up and challenge them. Michael O’Brien But we’re not all that dry, either. We take a look at the trends Editor-in-Chief, The Michigan Review among college students, from tv shows like Grey’s Anatomy and The Office to the latest concerts on campus. If you wantto P. 3 Features Summer 2007

campusthe michigan review politics. The Five Big Issues on Campus This Fall By Adam Pascarella, ‘10 when the Students of Color Coalition ac- needs a few more years to finish. or national origin for public employment, cused Michigauma of using Native Ameri- Google also opened a research and education or contracting purposes.” very year, The Michigan Review can traditions in their initiation ceremonies. technology center in Ann Arbor that heads After a vicious, mud-slinging campaign Ecompiles a list of prominent stories for The group changed its name to the Order of up the company’s AdWords division. The by pro- and anti- MCRI forces, 58% of the upcoming academic year. This fall will Angell and has been making its membership office should add some needed jobs to the Michiganders agreed to ban racial prefer- be no exception; controversial issues will be public for two years. It will be interesting to local economy. ences in the state. The day after the elec- prevalent on campus. see how students will react after the restora- tions, U-M President Mary Sue Coleman tion of the controversial group. 2. Michigan Stadium Renovation: gave an impassioned speech on the Diag in 5. The Competitiveness of the Class of SDS is an über-liberal student activist which she pledged to fight to maintain diver- 2011: organization originally formed to protest In November 2006, the U-M Board of the Vietnam War and demonstrates in favor Regents approved a new design to expand This year’s incoming freshman class of “democracy” and “freedom.” SDS was the stadium by adding 83 suites and 3200 promises to be one of the most qualified and reactivated in the spring of 2007 and it has club suites above the bowl. University of- competitive in recent memory. According to received growing interest on campus. With ficials said that the renovations will create the U-M Admissions Department website, the war in Iraq becoming bloodier and with more revenue that will be allocated towards 27,000 applications were received for the a presidential election on the horizon, expect athletic purposes. They further asserted that freshman class of 5,400 students. Although to see SDS protesting on the Diag this fall. the club level seating would help contain the applicant pool at Michigan spiked this the crowd noise thereby creating a greater past year, the qualifications for acceptance home-field advantage. have continued to rise. According to an ad- The grassroots organization Save the missions officer, “This has been our most Big House has criticized the renovations be- competitive admissions cycle in history.” cause they feel it will eradicate the stadium’s With U-M’s ranking rising two spots in US classic architecture and create a sense of News and World Report’s college rankings, inequality throughout the Big House. Mem- there will likely be an even more selective ad- bers of Michigan Paralyzed Veterans of missions process for the class of 2012. America have claimed the renovations will 3. Google and Ann Arbor: not provide for enough handicapped seating sity on campus. Her “We are Michigan. We 4. The reinstatement of the Order of and could violate the Americans with Dis- are Diversity,” speech led to the creation of Angell and the Students for Democratic U-M has collaborated with Google in abilities Act. the Diversity Blueprints Task Force, a tight- Society (SDS): a number of ways to promote technologi- lipped organization charged with finding in- cal progress and employment opportunities 1. The Aftermath of the Michigan Civil novative methods to keep diversity alive at Both the Order of Angell and the Stu- in Ann Arbor. Since 2005, the University Rights Initiative (MCRI) at U-M: U-M. Even after the MCRI’s passage, race dents for a Democratic Society, two promi- library system and Google have been work- has remained on the undergraduate applica- nent Michigan organizations, had been ing to develop the MBooks internet data- The MCRI, passed last November, tion. While administrators have stated that relatively quiet until last year. In its mission base. Their hope is to digitally archive over amends the Michigan constitution to ban removing race on the application was not statement, The Order of Angell, previously 7 million volumes to revolutionize the way affirmative action programs that give- pref part of the MCRI, it has led many to ques- Michigauma, writes that it exists to “serve that students can access certain information. erential treatment to groups or individuals tion the school’s interest in following the law. Michigan.” Controversy began, however, The program is still under construction and based on their race, gender, color, ethnicity, MR

Being a Conservative on a Liberal Campus By Jonny Slemrod, ‘10 of conservatism itself, Ronald Reagan. To several BAMN 2008 presidential election, and will looking for new mem- members, this warranted verbal abuse. Apparently, I am a bers to help spread the word. Other groups include the s a conservative, feeling threatened on a “racist asshole.” College Libertarians and Students for Life. Acampus overrun by liberals is easy. After all, our of- Having been born and raised less than one mile from Here’s where we come in. At The Michigan Review, we ficial student newspaper, The Michigan Daily, seemingly campus helped me to prepare for the political shock I was take pride in our conservative and libertarian outlook not endorses every position of the Democratic Party’s platform to experience. After all, most of my family, friends, and because we simply feel like being contrarians, but because rather than showing both sides of a debate. And if you ever acquaintances all identify as liberals, so it is fair to say I was our reasoned and rational analysis of campus events simply wonder how the United States govern- used to being in the minority. However, I was surprised. takes us there. Indeed, while most of us proudly wear ment is a fascist, 9/11-planning empire Not only did I find that almost every student I came maize and blue and love our campus and University, there is Staff hell-bent on world domination, or why into contact with didn’t have any clue what a libertarian no shortage of issues which, without a conservative voice, socialism is a utopian and logical idea, even was, but I also found that apathy, not “liberal” or would be misconstrued and overlooked. Rather than accept Opinion you will have no trouble finding someone “conservative,” is the political affiliation of choice. Indeed, the popular (and often catchy) mantras mouthed by campus to explain it to you in the Diag. our campus is not overrun by die-hard liberals. Understand- liberals, conservatives challenge the accepted wisdom, a role But while campus undoubtedly has its fair share of ably, most students don’t make the time to care for politics. of particular importance given the volume of the liberal left-wing crazies, they do not constitute the majority. College life, to say the least, is hectic. voice in this city. Instead, they are simply the most loud, most visible, and, But to help escape the vocal minority of leftists on Ann Arbor has an incredibly lively student body, and often, most obnoxious participants in campus politics. campus, there are many student groups for the conservative politics play an enormous part. For the conservative, it will Take the radical pro-affirmative action group By Any that feels the need to question the norm in Ann Arbor. certainly take some time to get used to. But once the shock Means Necessary (BAMN), which uses verbal and physi- Never free of controversy, the Young Americans for of college life wears off, you will begin to understand the cal abuse to spread their message, for example. The day Freedom (YAF) will surely be back with their trademark excitement of campus political life and the opportunities after Proposal 2—a ballot initiative banning racial and events. Last year, over 300 people protested when YAF that it holds for conservatives and liberals alike. Welcome to gender preferences—passed, University President Mary sponsored a speech by three former terrorists who spoke campus! MR Sue Coleman addressed thousands of students in the Diag. on the dangers of Islamic fundamentalism. Ironically, I was sporting a t-shirt superimposed the image The College Republicans will be gearing up for the Like what you see here?

Then join the tradition...... join the Review!

Email [email protected] for details. P. 4 Opinion Summer 2007

editorials.the michigan review The Review welcomes letters to the The Michigan Review editor. Send letters to: he Michigan Review is the independent, student- Trun journal of conservative and libertarian opinion at the University of Michigan. Unsigned editorials represent the opin- [email protected] ion of the Editorial Board. Ergo, they are unequivocally correct and just. Signed articles, letters, and cartoons represent the opin- The Review reserves the right to edit ions of the author, and not necessarily those of the Review. letters to the editor for length and clarity. We are Get Involved, Your The Michigan Get Active Impending Review U-M Education elcome (or welcome back) to the Universi- aving matriculated to one of the best he University of Michigan is an institution like Wty of Michigan. We are glad that you have found the Hpublic schools after years of hard work, and hav- Tany other, with perpetuating myths, traditions, lega- editorial page of the Michigan Review, the publication that ing finally put the annoying demands of high school and cies, foundations, structure, and so on. But like so many will bring you insightful news stories, provocative analysis, family life behind you, you may be primed to slow down domineering organizations in our societies, our school is a different take on campus issues for the next four years. and take it all in upon arriving at U-M. multi-faceted; three-dimension. UM, at many times, is cast It’s the different take on the issues that has given our While you should definitely ease into college, espe- in a blaze of academically superior glory, with a halo of paper lots of attention in the past. Our editorial page of- cially because of all the vast changes in your lifestyle as- social propriety and athletic dominance in the minds of ten espouses conservative, libertarian, or contrarian posi- sociated with coming to college, being active on campus so many aspiring and current students. But for this year’s tions. Our editorial board prides itself on attempting to is something that new students looking for the fullest col- incoming class, the aspiration stage is now over; college take reasoned positions rather than jumping to accept, of- lege experience must aim for. has begun. But for all the upsides you’re sure to encounter ten emotional, bandwagon positions. Because of this we At first you will be bombarded with possibilities. Op- your next four years—and there are many—it’s important have often taken stances in opposition to the policies of tions will be plentiful, but you will need to decide what to keep some perspective in regards to college live, and the this University. you really want and need. university you now attend. Michigan may be wondrous, but Our goal for this year will remain the same that it has Many of your friends and roommates will urge you not also without deep flaws to some degree. Keeping this been since our founding in 1982: to provide a rational voice to join a sorority or fraternity, but you will have to decide in mind is key to making the most of your Michigan ex- to the often one-sided discourse on campus. The Review if the involvement demands of the rush and initiation perience. will continue to ask tough questions about the actions of processes are something you really want during your first Any promotional materials produced by the Univer- University administrators, campus activists, and Ann Ar- semester. You will also want to investigate the differences sity itself or outside organizations are bound to wax about bor officials. Rather than simply accept the good feelings among the various Greek houses. For these reasons, it the legendary “diversity” that manifests itself on campus. of buzz words like “diversity,” “social justice,” or “living may be in the best interest of some to put off joining a University President Mary Sue Coleman and the University wages,” we will examine the assumptions and implications Greek organization for a semester or year. might as well trademark the d-word, as it has become one of the decision-making process on campus. Having said this, there are plenty of other opportuni- of the central, defining legends that make their mark on Despite its massive size, the University tends to speak ties that will provide you with the sort of diversions and university life today. Diversity may be swell, but the Uni- with a single rhetorical voice, a voice parroted by admin- friend-making opportunities you are looking for, with less versity is flawed in believing that true diversity is only skin- istrators, professors, activists, and accepted by some stu- of a commitment. The amount of different student or- deep, and that distinction on the basis of skin color is just dents as unquestionably true. But some students question ganizations available to students, even new ones, cannot in any form. Learn to read between the lines of the admin- the logic of racial preferences, would not be excited at the be stressed enough. They can be based on community istration’s happy-talk, and find true diversity for yourself. added diversity they would get from having to take a “Sex service or service-learning, political action, writing and U-M is furthermore renowned for its ‘progressive’ at- and Sexuality” course, and don’t think sipping fair trade editing (such as The Review), religion, academic field, or titudes, and such mindsets do not escape the professoriate. coffee and feasting on organic tomatoes does enough to some other common interest. The Michigan Review isn’t one of those campus groups save the world. With so many different organizations, you can find that protest the scary, vindictive professor who marks you The Review will share its sentiments with those stu- one that caters to your needs, or one with needs that cater down a grade for expressing an opinion. The fact is, those dents who demand common sense, on a campus where it to your skills. Do not limit yourself to organizations af- professors (in that mythic form) do not exist. Such is the might not otherwise prevail. filiated with the University. There is nothing wrong with mark of second-rate hacks of professors, and fortunately, While we take strong positions in our editorials and getting involved off-campus in various institutions. Ann UM is fresh out of them. But do not have the naïveté to columns, the Review is a publication, not an activist group. Arbor is not a megalopolis, but it is large enough to pro- think that classroom bias (and it is to the left) does not Our organization will not ask members to lock themselves vide plenty of opportunities. exist. It’s not manifest through heated confrontations be- in cages on the Diag or gage themselves for a day (suppos- The best thing about getting involved while a fresh- tween student and professor, and the politics of most stu- edly to fight against being silenced). Readers can be assured man is the opportunity to maximize your impact, and your dents are receptive to such slantedness. Rather, bias exists that all our news reporting will attempt to offer clear and ability to move up in an organization, perhaps garnering through the accepted academic paradigms that professors new insight into events on campus rather than pursue an leadership posts that will pay dividends later in life. perpetuate. There are unquestionable ‘truths’ professors agenda. The need to extracurricular involvement in general hold dear, that endear themselves to social determinism, We are not the daily paper on this campus, so rather should be clear. Focusing on school work alone can lead, socialistic public policy, and the enduring belief that no than report on every fraternity misstep or activist media literally, to insanity. Just exercising, or taking a walk or jog objective truth exists. The academic perspective is some- ploy we attempt to bring our readers an innovate mix of through the miles of parkland in the Arboretum or in thing from which the student cannot easily dissent, without stories that students will not encounter anywhere else, as the city parks along the Huron River, could be enough to a reasoned argument. But be not afraid, most professors well as bring new information to continuing stories. Our divert you. Do not forget that active students can use the will take interest in your informed dissent, preferring it to paper exposed the non-existence of a charge by two Asian central and north campus recreation buildings for exer- the apathetic, uninterested student reading the Daily sitting students who claimed to have been urinated upon. While cise, running, swimming, tennis, and basketball. next to you in lecture. many on campus were quick to call for increased efforts Finally, do not limit yourself to the campus area alone. Another important aspect of student life is to get in- to fight hate crimes, the Review saw that the facts did not As has already been mentioned, plenty of opportunities volved. There are many student groups, including this one, match the allegations. Last year, we found that despite the for students are found off-campus. Any student would be who lead the campus to a more vibrant (and interesting) passage of a state referendum that would make it illegal remiss not to enjoy the stores and restaurants of down- day-to-day existence. There are groups devoted to service to use race or gender to admit students that the Univer- town Ann Arbor, especially on Main Street. There is life (The Detroit Project, Dance Marathon, K-Grams). There sity known for its commitment to such affirmative action beyond the Diag. are political groups galore (from YAF and College Republi- programs, had made only minor changes to its admissions Students should be active in all senses of the word. cans to BAMN and College Democrats). There are groups policies. Whether it be exercise keeping you focused and regiment- devoted to journalistic excellence (The Michigan Review). We have been able to make these discoveries by engag- ed, or being active for a cause or an organization on cam- And there are groups for people who want to write stuff ing in intelligent journalism. Readers can be assured that pus, each type of activity has its own set of benefits. no one will read (The Michigan Daily and The Michigan our analysis will always look to show the most complete It cannot be said for sure what the right level of extra- Independent). Whatever the case, it’s an important part of picture of a new graduation requirement, local ordinance, curricular involvement is. It is different for each student, your growth as an individual and socially to get out on cam- or University admissions policy. based on their time constraints and ability to cope with pus and find your niche. The Michigan Review is entering its 26th year of pub- multiple commitments. The fact remains: to keep your There are many more aspects of student life, for bet- lication this year and intends to continue the great run we sanity, to get to know people, and to advance yourself on ter and for worse, that you’ll encounter in your next four have established in this time. We hope that you will con- this campus, getting active on campus is a must. MR (hopefully not five) years here on campus. Your education tinue to pick up the Review at our stands all across campus. isn’t a period in time, it’s an experience. Keep in mind that MR the University of Michigan is like a best friend who’s prone to slipping up from time-to-time: flawed nonetheless, but you still care for them and will be there for them in the end. MR P. 5 Advice Summer 2007

advthe michigan ice. review Don’t Be On Time, Be on Michigan Time

By Michael Kasiborski self a little more sleep and save yourself next to her because you’re a good guy, not Michigan, for the approval of others? from staring at a watch for 30 minutes. because you’re an asshole that likes staring Where you sit in class tells a lot about reshman – let me be amongst the When your class actually does start, at her chest. What’s more it will totally catch you. And no, I’m not talking about smart Ffirst to welcome you to the University there is a strategy to seating yourself. This her off guard in a good way if you ask about kids sitting in the front, slackers sitting in the of Michigan and it’s glorious Ann Arbor rule applies especially, if not exclusively, to her boyfriend. Ask his name, what he’s like, back. You’re at Michigan, everyone sits in campus. Over your next four, five, or even recitations, seminars, and discussions. And yadda yadda yadda. But don’t ask “if he goes the back. But the real- six to ten years here (that better include grad sorry ladies, but this rule is sort of gender here.” That’s a red flag that you are already ly smart kids sit next to school...), you will discover the wonders that specific, and not for the faint of heart. Gen- hoping it’s a long-distance relationship that hot girls. And the re- You’re at I, too, eventually found. As a little helping tlemen, for you I will share the single best you can break up. Don’t scare her off and ally hot girls sit wher- Michigan, hand before you embark on your academic piece of advice I can dispense to help you don’t jeopardize your position as the guy that ever they want because journey, the Review would like to offer you get through your boring classes: as you enter sits next to her! they are hot and do as everyone sits some friendly advice that you will find very the classroom on the first day, seek out the Eventually, your seat next to her will the please, so you bet- in the back. useful in your first few hottest girl in your class. Try and be smooth become your territory. The two of you (or ter sit next to them. If But the really weeks. about it (engineers, therefore, must unfortu- more if there are other good-looking girls this advice seems sex- smart kids sit As you will learn nately skip this strategy), and without draw- in your area) will have staked out a claim to ist, chauvinist, or ut- next to hot When class during Orientation, ing much attention to yourself with fresh- your territory. No one will dare move in on terly insensitive to the actually “Michigan Time” refers man-guy clumsiness, sit next to her! Start your space. With this territorial domain, you concerns of ugly peo- girls. does start, to the 10-minute spacing talking to her, but not like you’re interview- can carve out a good group of people to sit ple and socially inept there is a for classes. Hence, a 10 ing her. Introduce yourself, ask her where’s with. Hopefully you have been endearing nerds, then you are absolutely correct. But strategy to a.m. class really actually she from, where’s she living now, etc. Casu- them to you over the first few weeks of class frankly, those kind of people are so sexually and truly begins at 10:10 ally say something witty about how terrible with irreverent remarks about the stupidity frustrated that they infer innuendoes from seating a.m., and so on and so dorm food is or how crazy BAMN is – make of your GSI, the horrible grade you got on their engineering homework: you know, the yourself. forth. Your first day of her laugh! Seem informed, and seem cool your last paper (tip: you always do poorly, but problem about the tangent line penetrating class, however, you will (because let’s face it, you’re probably not). you always are confident enough to laugh it the diameter of the circle? Whatever…so undoubtedly show up thirty minutes before This seating strategy doesn’t stop after off – this seems to work), or hilarious com- that’s not a real problem--it lacks any sense. your class actually begins. There you will all the first day though. Even if during your ments about the weird kid in class (disclaim- But I was too busy staring at the hot girl I’ve be, thirty or so freshman neurotically arriv- initial conversation she pulls that “I’ve got er: the Review does not condone ripping on been sitting next to in my Psychology class ing early, all staring at your watches in a va- a boyfriend” shit. Whatever! Don’t let it the dorks in your class, but sometimes you all semester to think of anything intelligent. cant Mason Hall hallway, collectively watch- phase you (p.s. -most hot girls at Michigan gotta do what you gotta do). As the fun guy Hot girls are sweet. Oh, and the same thing ing the time tick by. Don’t do it. Michigan have boyfriends; if this is not the case, they in class that exudes so much machismo that applies to the ladies for getting guys. MR Time means exactly what it says, class starts must be crazy). You can handle that “boy- the hot girl sits next to him, your classmates 10 minutes after its posted time. Get your- friend” noise because after all - you’re sitting will love you! And isn’t that why you’re at

Break Up With Your Sweetheart Now—Or Later First Day Dos

By Michael O’Brien, ‘08 College has a lot to offer when and Don’ts it comes to social opportunities. T’S REALLY A fascinating little game to Welcome Week is a blast for most By Anna Malecke, ‘10 Iplay—watch how many of the kids on the students, and you probably don’t Facebook who, at the beginning of the year, want to spend that Friday night on list their status as “in a relationship,” dwindle the phone crooning to your high n grade school it was easy. You away and list themselves as single within the school sweetheart about how much Iand your mom picked out a new out- fi rst month of school. Also, keep an eye on you miss them. Half of college’s fit, you loaded your new backpack full of the friends you’ve made—by the end of the experiences lie well beyond the freshly sharpened pencils and matching month, if they’re not tied up, or at least don’t scope of the academic or the class- folders, and then she took your picture have a regular “special friend” on speed dial, room; it’s very much a social, extra- in front of the bus stop. Unfortunately, well, then they’re lucky folks. I don’t mean to curricular experience. At parties, at Don’t let this be your facebook profile during the first day of college makes things a bit be pessimistic, I really don’t. But it’s just far football games, and even (for you the first semester. more complicated. By learning the hard easier to break off that two-year high school fl North Campus kids) on the bus, way last year, I’ve assembled a Do/Don’t ing now, rather than in mid-March, when your its hard not to be inundated and a bit over- So even if you come to school with a list of advice that should help you not boyfriend or girlfriend calls you at 2 am and whelmed by the hundreds of new faces you clean slate, ready to meet your thousands only survive your first day of college, but swears that it didn’t count because they were meet. Quite frankly, it’s a blur. It’s through of classmates, you’re not out of the woods come out ahead as well. hammered. The same rule applies for getting this, and your experience of your first pro- yet. Don’t enter into a serious relationship DO check CTools (ctools.umich. yourself too involved too soon when you get longed time away from home that most stu- too soon or even at all during your first year. edu) before you to school in the fall; it just puts a damper on dents go through a somewhat substantial The first nice guy or girl you may meet may head to your first your social life. change in themselves, no matter how much click just right during September, but there’s class. Professors Check I realize that many might be reluctant to they try to resist it. And with these changes no reason to stymie your social life by getting like to start the se- CTools, don’t say good-bye to that person with whom you in self come wholesale reevaluations of one’s too involved. It’s incredibly easy to miss a lot mester early and buy your just spent a serious portion of the last several relationships with others. Many students be- of experience, and neglect developing your give a reading or years of your life. There are all those sweet come much more self-aware, and their per- skills by doing the same thing every weekend make announce- books too memories: your prom night, that first date, spectives on things, if not their opinions, shift with the same person. Getting into a relation- ments for the first early, and whatever. But why would you want to sour around a bit. And sure, there’s a good deal of ship too soon can be a great cause of doubt, class. While most make sure those memories or muddy them in a messy pressure (and rightly so) to go out and make as well. You may snatch up the first suitable don’t expect the you know friends and be social. partner that comes along, but that girl you entire class to have where you’re The question any incoming frosh should pass every day on the Diag or that guy who checked for an- be asking themselves is whether, given this, sits near you in your Econ discussion will nouncements, you going. they can even, in good conscience, maintain pique your imagination much more now that can make a good The first year of college is just a a high school relationship. Why go through you’ve tied yourself down. Also, fanciful high first impression by coming prepared. much better experience the almost inevitable hell that comes through school notions of what constitutes a good re- DON’T go to Ulrichs, Michigan a messy breakup via long-distance phone lationship wash away eventually as the realism Book & Supply, or the endless line at without a boyfriend or calls and furious instant messaging? Why, es- of college begins to set in. Shaman Drum and purchase every book, girlfriend imposing on your pecially if you can manage an amicable split The bottom line remains, though, that workbook, and coursepack that the little after talking things out, with a good friend- most students are uncertain about what kind cards on the shelves tell you is “required.” social life. ship that will be mutually supportive in the of person they are or where they’ll be at the Students waste significant amounts of future? There’s a lot at risk by trying to hold end of their first year of school, let alone four money on books that professors never onto every last thread of those sweet memo- years of college. Freshman year, with its var- use. Wait until the first class to hear from ries, while a soon-to-be ex is slowly turning ied and formative experiences, is just not the the professor which texts are going to be break-up? You and your better half should the knife freshly stuck in your back. Break up time for serious commitment. The first year used in the class, and then decide whether really take a hard look at reality. Sure, it is en- with your sweetie; it will be a lot less pain- of college is just a much better experience, tirely possible to maintain a solid relationship ful at the end of the summer than a random when done correctly, without a boyfriend or with substantial differences between the two Wednesday afternoon before your big mid- girlfriend imposing on your social life. MR See “First Day” of you. But it’s sure as hell not probable. term. Page 13 P. 6 Faceoff Summer 2007 faceoff: fraternities the michigan review Frats: Fun, Philaonthropic Frats: Expensive, Segregated

BY Mike Balkin, ‘09 By Nick Cheolas, ‘07

’M NOT FROM Greece, if that’s what you’re thinking. Rather, I am a member of the S A REAL Greek, I was chosen by my Review brethren to face off about the Greek sys- IGreek system here it at U-M. I am a proud member of the Alpha Epsilon Pi fraternity. Atem. However, I want to let our readers know that I have no true disdain for Fraternities For the most part, especially at U-M, fraternities and sororities will not resemble the stereo- and Sororities. In fact, I am quite honored that several thousand of my fellow students will typical representations that you have constantly been exposed to through film and television. pay thousands per semester just to be associated with my ethnicity. I present the top reasons Movies like “Animal House” and “Old School,” while funny and entertaining, do a great dis- to remain independent and proud here at Michigan. service to the American Greek system (but, I’ll still always love these movies). 7) Ca$h Money: Each term, dues amount to $400-500. While many of us are fortunate enough to have our parents shell out a good portion of tuition and housing costs, they may Contrary to not be as willing to dole out the extra $800-$1000 in dues. popular belief, fra- 6) Those stupid party names for every day of the week: Margarita Monday, Tequila Tues- ternities do partici- day, Wine Box Wednesday. Enough already. You drink every day of the week. Outstanding. pate in a wide vari- 5) Freeedommm!: Like joining any group or club at the University, pledging a house will ety of philanthropic require a good portion of your time and energy. The point is, Fraternities and Sororities are ventures that aim more than simply social organizations – they are involved in numerous activities throughout to either aid in the the year. While some thrive on involvement and budget their time well, you don’t want to be development of the halfway through your pledge semester before you realize that you can’t handle all the activ- community in which ity. they operate or ful- 4) The Greek system is racist: Sure, why not. It’s the “Greek” system, isn’t it? Greeks are fill a higher moral “white” people. Why not the “Kenyan” system? The Greek system clearly isn’t committed to or national purpose. diversity. Sure, every Frat has a token black guy, but is this really a “critical mass?” In fact, each year the 3) “The Greek system eats babies”: Not literally (we think), but if you look at media cov- entire Greek com- erage and administration treatment, you would think this was the case. Get drunk or smoke munity participates in a joint in a private residence and guess what happens. Nothing. Ann Arbor cops generally “Greek Week.” The won’t bother anybody unless they are causing a real, public problem. But if you break some “Week” is dedicated stupid Greek system rule in your house (like having more than 5.25 sorority girls per every to Greek-sponsored “sober” monitor in a house on an odd numbered Tuesday), you better head for the hills. activities that help raise massive amounts of money for a number of different charities and Pretty soon, the media will be “shocked and appalled” at the Greek system, and the admin- causes. Additionally, many fraternities and sororities sponsor their own charitable events and istration will subsequently pillage your house (”Animal House” style), rape your horses, and activities. Going even further, many fraternities and sororities may even offer scholarships to ride off on your women. members who cannot pay full, if any, organizational dues. The same pattern repeats itself every year: Frat house gets caught breaking a rule, admin- What angers the system’s opponents, I suppose, is the Greek social factor. Opponents istration threatens, the Interfraternity Council promises reforms, IFC makes fake reforms, of the Greek system believe that fraternities and sororities are elitist social organizations and the houses rou- which aim to include only Greek members at parties, mixers, and other social functions. This tinely break the fake is partly true. However, at “frat parties,” which are often themed and intensely fun, there rules until another usually is a guest list which is set-up to include non-Greek members, who are friends with one gets caught. members of the Greek system, in these sorts of activities. Wait, you say, a guest list sounds 2) Segregation: pretty elitist to me, even if it includes non-Greek members. Well, think about it this way. Let’s The real problem with say you have a birthday party at your house or apartment. You invite your close friends and segregation here at possibly some classmates that you recently have become friendly with. Now, let’s say random Michigan is between people just start to show up. You don’t know who these people are. You don’t even know if the Greeks and the they are students at the University. Would you even let them in the door, let alone eat your Independents. House birthday cake or drink the spirits you provided for your invited guests? I think not. parties are generally Now, instead of debunking the opponents’ arguments, let’s introduce you to the advan- foreign to Michigan tages and “complete awesomeness” of being a part of the University’s Greek system. As I Greeks and frat par- said before, Greek organizations can become efficient vehicles for philanthropy and charita- ties are generally for- ble ventures. In addition, fraternities and sororities are often diverse organizations and have eign to Independents. members of many different backgrounds and ethnicities. In the case of fraternities a strong Much of the Greek bond is developed between all of the members. If you’re part of a fraternity or sorority, system can be found at Scorekeepers. Then they turn 21 and move to Rick’s. While pledg- you’re part of something that is bigger than yourself. Moreover, you’re part of organization ing a house may certainly make a large University feel small, the isolation factor is worth that aims to do charitable good for its community, create strong bonds of friendship and consideration. companionship between its members, and throw some pretty sweet parties, as well. 1) You can’t just buy Greekness: They could have picked any other nationality, but they The Greek system has provided me with opportunities to do good for my community, choose to steal mine. Somebody asked me if I had a Greek ID card once. I showed them my as well as forge lifelong friendships with people with similar interests. If you come visit us driver’s license. Then he asked me if I had a real Greek ID card. I punched him right in the in the fall, you’ll quickly find that Greek organizations are not the “animal houses” or “elitist temple. These people perpetuate the stereotype that all Greeks do is drink excessively, smoke organizations” you’ve heard about. MR pot, and hit on freshman girls. That’s ridiculous. I don’t smoke pot at all. MR

The Unofficial Campus Dress Code

very year, it seems as if a new probably haven’t been popping your collar the side ponytail, 2) the massive sweatshirt, Efashion trend makes its way to the ever since you could remember. You prob- Class of 2009 – Those giant sunglasses and 3) the tightest pants known to mankind. Midwestern bubble known as Ann Arbor. ably started freshman year. It’s over. Save We’re still trying to figure out this one. Is it Whether homegrown, or a Long Island the starch. Move on. The most frustrating and pervasive trend of a true attempt at the “I don’t care about my transplant, these trends seem to grip a single the last four years. Making Aviators look appearance, even though I’m wearing $300 class, spread to others like a rash, and pol- Class of 2008 – Ugg boots miniscule, the sunglasses seen on campus to- worth of makeup, $200 shoes, and daddy’s lute the Diag by the end of the first week of day rival those you would find in novelty or trust fund worth of jewelry” look, or is it class. But what exactly are these trends, and Perfect for making the trek over to your frat gag gift stores. They also lead to an untold intentionally ironic? Either way, we’re not which class is responsible for their unfortu- house of choice, these boots hit their peak number of “Who is that? Do I know her? amused. And why do these pants look like nate presence on this campus? when the class of 2008 came to town. Skirts Crap, I’m getting closer to her now, maybe they require the use of that “Food Saver” and Uggs were the outfit of choice for the I should say hi. But what if I don’t know vacuum-packing thing from the infomer- Class of 2007 – Popped collars. sub-zero days in January. These revolution- her? Then I’ll just look like a tool. Maybe cials? ary boots allowed females to complain year I’ll just offer up the awkward half smile and We thought this trend was dead too. Then for- round. In April thru October, there was the glance…” moments on campus. Class of 2011 – What you got? mer Review Editor James Dickson “popped” incessant whining that the shoes these indi- up in the Daily, looking *fabulous*. Popped viduals had looked at, purchased, selected, Class of 2010 – The ensemble Please, for the love of God, don’t try to top collars have, fortunately, started to make an and put on were “uncomfortable.” Now the wretched fashion sense explored by your exit from the U, but the particular brand of from November thru March, females could This year’s freshman class wasn’t content predecessors. It’s uncalled for. It’s Michigan, douchebaggery that accompanied them has complain about their legs being cold, all with bringing just a single trend to campus. after all: you’ll all be wearing winter coats in proved much tougher to eradicate. Unless from the comfort of their warm Ugg boots. This year’s class brought an entire outfit. a few months anyway. MR you are a member of the Three 6 Mafia, you Amazing really. From the top down, the outfit includes: 1) P. 7 Faceoff Summer 2007

faceoff:the michigan review sororities Sororities About Forging Better Alternatives to the Relationships Shallowness of Sorority Life

By Lindsey Dodge, ‘10 By Amanda Nichols, ‘07

had always assumed that I would join a sorority. It is rather an unusual assumption, h, sorority life. The beautiful old homes on Hill, Tappan and Washtenaw; the I as I have never considered myself a huge partier, unnecessarily sluttish, or a reflection Alines of gleaming, perfect cars in the driveways; the manicured lawns. Coupled with the of any other components of the soror- bonds of sisterhood forever and some cute letters to throw on a sweatshirt, it’s every girl’s ity stereotype. However, when I stop to dream, right? think about it, the decision really makes For some, maybe. But here at Michigan, that dream is just that—a dream. Trust me, I a lot of sense. know. I went through Rush—the vernacular term for sorority recruitment here at U-M— For one thing, I have no sisters, and and hell, I even pledged… at least for a little while. But then I realized just how little Greek two brothers. This means that my life life had to offer, and how much I was missing out on by binding my time and my image to pre-college was a never-ending stream of my three Greek letters. fart jokes, dead baby jokes, and no food But I have to admit—at first, I was one of those girls who believed sorority life would in the pantry. This is not to say that I do be perfect for me. Stately houses, and sisterly bonds with other girls based on mutual respect not love my brothers, but there was al- and common interests. Riiiiight. I wised up after about two days on camps, because, well, ways a void in the category of feminine that’s when Rush started. I had hardly even met my roommate when I was suddenly herded companionship. along the streets of Ann Arbor with 800 other girls, who suddenly claimed to be the best Next, at a big University like Michi- of friends. Seriously? The same girls you’re virtually competing with for spots at certain gan, it is essential to find a core group of houses? And what’s this “sisterhood” based on— waiting in line outside PIKE the night friends; if only to help you navigate the before? But I— we, really— followed our guides diligently, because we didn’t know what one-way streets of Ann Arbor. A sorority else to do. They had hooked us early— before we knew any better. is an excellent way to make a big school Bright-eyed freshmen girls at Michigan truly are a different breed because it’s becoming manageable, because it gives you a base camp with friendly girls and a house mom. Besides so difficult to get into U-M; they, more than anyone else on campus, want to be involved the creation of new friendships, it is plain utilitarian. in something and they want to be involved in it the moment they enter Ann Arbor. And Furthermore, I suppose I am one of those people who enjoy engaging in activities solely with such an early recruitment, does the Greek system ever have a deal for them! Not only because they differ from peoples’ perspectives of me. Something about joining a sorority, will it get them out of Markley or Bursley next year without having to deal with the shark- when on first impression people would more likely clue into my bizarre sense of humor infested waters of off-campus housing, but they can live with lots of girls who look, act, or ridiculous vocabulary, tickled me pink. If nothing else, I said to myself, Rush will be an think, and drink alike! And, on top of that, you can make the world a better place through experience. philanthropy! So there I was, first day of Rush, standing in front of house of screaming girls vaguely Yeah, right. In my rush experience, philanthropy was the cornerstone of each house’s wondering, “What the hell have I gotten myself into?” pitch to its potential new members. And then, well, once they had us in the door, it seemed Yet even more than this fleeting thought, was the sense that I was doing something really to vanish into thin air. Helping the less fortunate? That could wait until Greek Week in exciting, extremely fun, and inevitably profitable to me. March. Instead, there was some more important volunteerism going on—who’ll offer to People tend to overrate stereotypes. Teachers and administrators make a big deal about play beer pong? Not necessarily a bad thing, but not something I really wanted to pay sev- the adverse effect stereotypes have on our impressionable lives. Yet other peoples’ opinions eral thousand dollars each year to do; I could do that on my own. are so often fleeting, especially with regards to sororities. Ten years from now, when all fifty That, of course, brings me to the money. Dues, room and board, and the inevitable ex- thousand of us are scrambling for jobs in the workplace, our future employer will not ask, traneous expenses of being part of the most “So, were you at the library on January 23rd like you said you were?” However, the chances fashion-conscious group on campus cer- are in your favor that your future employer may have a Greek affiliation, and may even be tainly add up, and add up very quickly. For a part of your very own sorority or fraternity. This aspect shows not so much the cliché of what, though? Sisterhood? Sudden popu- undying camaraderie but the fact of perpetual connections in the working world. larity? Stretch pants? The lovely male com- This is not to underestimate the fantastic relationships I have developed in only a year panionship? I don’t know about you, but I of participating actively in my sorority. Already these are girls that I have found to be equals, don’t need to pay over $1,000 in dues alone and better than me, in all manners of academic and extracurricular affairs. However, for the to have frat boys ogle me; I can go to Skeep’s more cynical out there, there is certainly a material benefit to being a member of the Greek and get that sort of treatment for free. system. Now don’t think I’m hating on soror- Another classic stereotype is that sorority girls engage in horrific cult and indoctrination ity girls—although it’s hard not to hate some practices. This is simply untrue. I love my sorority, and it loves me. I love my sorority, and it of them, in their vacuum-sealed stretch loves me. I love…Where was I? Ah yes. It should be made acknowledged that at the Univer- pants, moon boots, and the I-just-had-sex hairdos; in fact, my sister (my biological sister, sity of Michigan and Greek houses nationwide there are stringent anti-hazing regulations. If not the fake kind) is a sorority girl herself, albeit at a different school. Condoleeza Rice and anything, the recent controversy at DePauw University should demonstrate that sororities Ruth Bader Ginsberg were sorority girls, too. But really, at a university this large, Greek life that do not toe the line will not be tolerated. doesn’t—and can’t, really—hold a monopoly on creating a smaller community within this Lastly, people tend to underestimate the “bonds of sisterhood.” Yes, it is a cliché. People otherwise impersonal and overwhelming institution. often ask me, as a sorority sister, if I like every one of my sisters. Honestly, probably not. Instead of being suckered in by the promises of sisterhood, philanthropy, and fun, find Perhaps that is because I do not know these girls well enough, but it is entirely possible something else to do. You actually might be able to achieve real relationships based on more that we just would not get along. However, I do like the vast majority of girls, and what is than a shared love for Natty Light, and maybe—just maybe!—you can use that U-M educa- more, I respect all of them. By going through Rush, and initiation, and years together at the tion to actually do some good in the world. MR University, you develop some really meaningful relationships, which is the whole purpose of Greek life. MR

Learning to Love (Or At Least Live With) Your Roommate

By Marie Cour, ‘08 can one handle, or preclude, the conflicts that arise over leave four-month-old milk in your refrigerator. Do clean up these tensions? after yourself. Do try to get to know your roommate at the either of my roommates freshman year really The most significant piece of advice that I can give is to beginning of the year. If you understand the person who is Nliked wearing clothing. Both of them chose to spend address potential problems at the beginning of the semes- sharing the tiny box that you call home, it will become easier as much of the year walking around our room in as little as ter. And be sure that you mention all of your behaviors that to compromise. might be necessary to be considered decent. Despite spend- might be considered odd for a college student. For example, For some roommate pairs, basic courtesy will lead to ing the first few months in college dismayed by their behav- if you plan on waking up at 6 a.m. to go to the gym, mention life-long friendships. For others, the only thing freshman iors, I ultimately became good friends with one of my room- that. Your night-owl roommate probably will appreciate roommates can do is to provide them with stories to tell to mates. I still found the other to be annoying and obnoxious. knowing that you wake-up a few short hours after he went to friends back home. In the end, I learned that some battles, such as addressing bed. Discuss how you will manage these differences, and be The good news is that even if you do room with Satan’s your roommates’ fondness for nudity, may not be worth the sure to write down your solutions. That way, you can refer mistress, there are distractions at the University of Michigan. fight. to the compromises that you made at the beginning of the College life is not necessarily defined by the person you live Nevertheless, even those lucky people who seem to be semester, and both of you can make reasonable demands. with your first year in college, but it is defined by how you assigned “soul mates” rather than roommates almost invari- More importantly, this early discussion can be important be- live outside of the dorm. So take advantage of all of the ably find their living situation challenging. Indeed, sharing cause it opens up lines of communication that help both of opportunities at Michigan. Join student and Greek organiza- the small space of a dorm room often seems to be one of you if you find that you have any problems living together. tions, meet other people in your dorms, go to events, and get the biggest challenges in adjusting to college life. There is Possibly most important in forming a good relation- to know Ann Arbor. Large as the school is, there are people virtually no privacy, and you are forced to negotiate living ship with your roommate is showing basic courtesy. Do not who will welcome your friendship, and you can probably find arrangements with a person, or persons, you just met. How throw your roommate out of the room if she is sick. Do not someone else whose roommate is worse than yours. MR P. 8 Glossary Summer 2007 Everything You Ever The Essential Glossary of All Things “Angell Hall”: Central campus “Big Ten Burrito”: Home of the Festifall, Goodness Day, Falun gan “student” Michael Phelps academic building characterized cheap, delicious Mexican food Dafa Guy (yes, guy is a proper intends to “major in pussy” by big white pillars, 24-hour that attracts the most drunk and noun) meditating, Diag Preach- during his four years here. operation, communist janitors, most stoned kids Ann Arbor er screaming “You’re going to and English professors that has to offer. hell”, BAMN protests, Holo- “Facebook”: The most techno- have plush offices, choose to caust name reading marathon, logically advanced way to just meet for office hours at hippy “Buffalo Wild Wings”: Now the LGBT kiss-in, and hot girls *almost* hook up, and every- hang-outs instead. established on campus for sev- in the spring time. body’s favorite distraction from eral years, this is *the* place to papers. Also, a sure GPA-kill- “Ann Arbor”: AKA the People’s watch the game. Cheapest beer “Diversity”: The quality of pos- er. Republic of, 27 square miles on campus. sessing difference. In University surrounded by reality. A shell speak, this means a quantitative “Fish Bowl”: Angell Hall’s in- of a Midwestern city taken over “Bursley AKA BurLodge/ value corresponding directly door computing site. Charac- by the University of Michigan Baits”: North campus residence to the number of “underrep- terized by large glass windows, and 1960’s era hippies. Also, a halls which, despite boasting resented” minorities attend- people walking around for city that sees more major events the best cafeteria in Housing, ing. For example, a class with hours on end trying to find just come through than any small are also characterized by many 100% Black, Hispanic, and Na- one damn open computer, and college town is entitled to. lonely nights of hating not be- tive American students would rampant un-productivity due ing on central campus and many be considered 100% “diverse,” to sorority-girl-social-hour and “The Arb”, AKA “Nichols Ar- pissed off mornings of missing while a class of 24% Asian Re- high-pitched laughing by the boretum”: Beautiful “living the bus. In Baits, watch out for publicans, 41% White Green Asian kids at 3am. museum” of plants, trails, and the shared refrigerators…you Party members, and 35% Indian fields located near the Univer- only think that was your meat- Democrats all of whom belong “Fraternities:” Groups of men sity Hospital. Characterized by loaf. to a variety of religions and so- who spend $500 a month for couples on dates making out, cio-economic backgrounds and a place to live furnished with sketchy old guys masturbating “College Democrats”: People have varying sexual orientations cheaply rented friends, date- behind trees, and ROTC jungle who support collagen injections would be considered 0% “di- rape drugs, and membership training lab on Thursday nights as a tool for political advance- verse.” to a group identified by Greek (dudes in camo crawling around ment. letters that spell out absolutely in silly patterns). The Arb has “DPS”: Department of Public nothing. See also, assholes. the rare distinction of being a “College Libertarians”: College Safety. As you will learn from favorite hangout of the Una- Republicans that want legalized the Daily Crime Notes, they “Gargoyle”: The University’s bomber during his University pot, and don’t sing Pat Green- have no suspects…ever…re- official monthly humor maga- days. wood songs with old ladies in ally. zine, which no longer comes out red dresses monthly, was never humorous, “Assholes”: See BAMN, MSA, “Econ 101”: A weeder class re- and no longer sells for a dol- Fraternities, Sororities, The “College Republicans”: A tool- quired for B-school admissions lar. Per issue, the Michigan Re- Michigan Review, see also the box concerned with pushing whose tests scarcely have any- view is winning the contest as a College Republicans. issues in the Republican plat- thing to do with the study of funnier publication, which says form, many of whom will reach economics. something because we aren’t a “B-School”: The University great heights in politics by kiss- humor magazine. of Michigan Business School. ing mucho ass. For example, “Espresso Royale”: Known for Characterized by caffeine-wired, drain commissioner and zoning their conspicuous advocacy of “GEO”: The Graduate Student anal-retentive individuals that board are reachable goals. See fair trade coffee, the coffee king Instructors’ union that stands in will probably make mad cash by also, Assholes. is the main competitor of Star- *solidarity* with virtually every selling their respective souls to bucks on campus. Home of other left-wing cause imagin- corporate America. “Dance Marathon”: The hap- the tragically hip indie kids and able. Characterized by unkempt piest people on earth, and yes graduate students holding of- clothes, scruffy hair, and office “BAMN”: The Coalition to De- Disney was lying. Campus fice hours. hours at Espresso Royale. See fend Affirmative Action (and in- group that hosts 30 hour mara- also, assholes. tegration, and to stop the racist thon for Mott’s Hospital every “Every Three Weekly”: A spin- war in [insert country here] and year that will have you so sick off of The Michigan Review hu- “Greens”: People that help whatever else they feel like add- of community service by the mor section published through George W. Bush get elected. ing in that week) By Any Means end that you’ll push a child into the University Activities Center. Necessary. A collection of rev- the street. They’re instituting a Watch the stupid kid next to you “Hobo”: The homeless, and olutionary communists and De- draft this school year to con- in class think that Chad Henne “NO! 25 cents is not good troit high school students who script more dancers. really did cause the Holocaust. enough.” In Ann Arbor, the get off on causing trouble and Caught some hell from UAC in bums ask for $2 and don’t even intimidating students around “Diag”: Harassment capital of 2004 for publicizing that Olym- invite you up to their apartment campus. the world. Characterized by pic Gold Medalist and Michi- for a beer. The West Hall arch P. 9 Glossary Summer 2007 Wanted to Know . . . That You Will Encounter at U of M reeks from this trade, and watch “The Michigan League”: The “North Campus”: Beautiful education here. your garbage for daily can col- once-segregated hangout for sprawling campus of advanced lections. women on campus, it curiously academic facilities and residence “SOLE”: A student group for hosts almost all Republican-af- halls. See also, boring and far rich, white kids with liberal guilt. “In and Out”: A party store— filiated events on campus. Also, away from everything. Members help alleviate the get your mind out of the gutter. where The Michigan Review of- stress of being rich and white Good late night pizza. fice is located. “Parking”: Like “jaywalking,” by campaigning for workers’ this term does not exist in Ann rights at the most ridiculous lev- “Jaywalking”: This term does “The Michigan Review”: A di- Arbor, either. els and advocating communism not exist here, you asshole pe- verse group who put out a hard- whenever possible to spite their destrians. hitting journal of commentary “Pizza House”: The unoffi- parents and damn the man. and analysis every two weeks cial restaurant of the Univer- “Jimmy John’s”: Located now with a commitment to logic and sity of Michigan student body. “Sororities”: Groups of wom- on all four corners of the Diag, truth so unyielding that we’re See also, overrated, overpriced, en who spend $500 a month for they have reduced college stu- the assholes. open until 4am, and/or cheesy a place to live furnished with dents use of the cook stove to bread rocks. cheaply rented slutty friends, the occasional “warming up my “The Michigan Union”: Cen- the right to get drunk and screw Jimmy John’s in the oven” use. tral student center filled with “Pop”: The correct term for frat boys, and membership to a And yes, the smells are free. the joys of Magic Wok and the the sweetened caffeinated bev- group identified by Greek -let most profitable Subway in the erage which all you East-coast- ters that spell out absolutely “KerryTown”: Where 1960’s country. ers might refer to as soda, a nothing. See also, assholes. era hippies hang out. Ann Ar- popular baking ingredient. bor shopping district. “Morlocks”: 1. Creatures in “Sun”: A large ball of flaming an H.G. Wells novel, who never “Psych 111”: Blow-off class… gas in the sky that disappears “Liberal”: The haunting fear saw the light of day, dwelt in take this. sometime in October and re- that somebody somewhere can caves, glowed in the dark from turns just in time for girls to help themselves. lack of exposure to light, and “Queer Awareness Week”: An- wear tank tops and Dominick’s consumed human flesh to live. nual event that encourages to open in April. “Lloyd Carr”: Head Coach of closeted homosexuals to “come the Michigan Wolverines Varsi- 2. Residents of East Quad out.” Includes a kiss-in in “Taubman”: Alfred, to be ex- ty Football Team. High “over- which you kiss a member of the act. Billionaire mall mogul and all” winning percentage, high “I “MSA”: The student assembly same sex for everyone and their University donor that is now… blew that one” percentage when of the University of Michigan. mother to see on the Diag. See in jail despite having a medical it matters. Highest paid dude A college version of a student also, a good day to take another library and architecture school at the school, too. Well, some council the group claims to way to class. named after him. doctor or something is higher, be able to do many things for but pretty close. Also, Droopy students, usually around elec- “Rev. Al Sharpton”: A nuisance “Village Corner”: Convenience the Dog. tion time, and generally fails to and a demagogue who is a sta- store characterized by freaks produce anything of substance ple at BAMN protests. that will take your fake ID…and “Mary Sue Coleman”: Presi- beyond “development” confer- sometimes, your real one. dent of the University of Mich- ences and other perks for them- “Rick’s”: Though you won’t igan. She earns more than half selves. Also great for resume get there until junior year, this “Zack Yost”: Director of the a million bucks to run around stuffing and pointless bickering. is probably the hottest bar on campus zoo … in other words, campus muttering the word See also, assholes. campus. Near Pizza House. MSA President. “diversity” to herself over and Where you’ll have your twenty- over. Also, she feels really really “Naked Mile”: A grand old first birthday until you throw “Zingerman’s”: A world-fa- really bad about being white. tradition here at the U where up. mous deli, most notable for its simple, innocent, graduating se- $15 sandwiches and bread as “The Michigan Daily”: A niors would liberate themselves “Scorekeepers” (Skeep’s): See hard as a rock. But the food group of mostly white, upper- in the elation of graduating and Rick’s, except under 21 and with is delicious, and it’s a place you middle-class students who put run stark raving naked for a annoying Greeks. want to have your parents take out a poorly written newspaper mile while dodging cops trying you. every day about how white, up- to take them down for indecent “Shaman Drum”: A fire trap per-middle-class students are exposure. The advent of sickos of a local bookstore with a qua- oppressing people at the Uni- with streaming webcams and a si-monopoly on books for the versity. They’ve never met a SWAT team parked on South social sciences. walk-out they didn’t like and U during the last day of classes their cartoonists are starting at 12am is making this slightly “Snow”: White frozen stuff kindergarten art this fall. more difficult. that falls to the ground in Mich- igan for the majority of your P. 10 Features Summer 2007

features.the michigan review The University’s *Diverse* Courses The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.

By Lindsey Dodge, ‘10 men, find very hard to forgive. 3. Environment 270 - Our Common given to social benefits of fair trade coffee Future: One of the few courses in this de- and Cuban farming practices than ecological lthough at a fine university like 3. English 124 – The Literature of partment that will not count for your natu- science. AMichigan, it would seem easy to find Disaster: Unfortunately, this is a prominent ral science requirement. That choice likely great courses, the fact is that many are dis- option among the available classes for the makes sense since more emphasis will be 4. Any and all of the following appointing. However, it is deceptively hard freshman English requirement. For those courses: Old English; Pedagogue: Theory to determine between those courses that who can not squeeze themselves into anoth- and Practice; Anly Deviant Behavior (or the will be worth the out-of-state tuition, and er course, they will have to endure not only Analysis of Deviant Behavior); Homopho- those that will bog down the schedule with the tedious writing assignments, but also the As always, the Review bia in the Black World; Advanced Ojibwa; tedious, politically correct homework. Here distinct possibility of weeping for an hour believes that students and Women Studies 590: Disability Studies. is a surefire guide to classes and teachers for and half every Tuesday and Thursday. should explore every facet the new freshman that may well last them As always, the Review believes that stu- far longer than their meal credit at the Hide- The Ugly: of a course, and not dents should explore every facet of a course, away. What follows by category in classic simply take an absurd title and not simply take an absurd title or hor- form: the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. 1. Religion 381 – the History of rendous professor as the only factor. This is Witchcraft: Those who claim that students or a horrible title as the what staffers strive to do throughout course The Good: should look past the title are mistaken. Take only factor. scheduling, leading by example. Or just do it at face value. the exact opposite, and save some dough. 1. Ralph Williams: A legend in the Eng- MR lish department, he is celebrated for both his 2. English 317 – How to Be Gay: This Or, just do the exact knowledge of and passion for Shakespeare. course sparked a lot of controversy when it opposite, and save some He generally teaches higher-level courses, so was introduced, but it is now generally ac- the English-enthusiasts among the new class cepted on campus as just another one of dough. will probably have to be patient for a few nature’s mistakes. semesters.

Professor Ralph Williams

2. Physics 107 with Professor Fred- erick Becchetti: This is a class for non-ma- jors, so for all those unfortunates who are less than enthusiastic about fulfilling their natural science credit, take this course. The Professor is really organized and knowledge- able, as well as being highly ranked among students. He also prints out notes for ev- eryone at the beginning of class. However, this does require that students come to class, which may limit enrollment numbers.

3. American Culture 206: AIDS and America with Lecturer Richard Meisler. A genuinely provocative class, it is enjoyed by students from both sides of the political spectrum. Meisler’s informed and balanced approach to an important issue in American society is much appreciated. Just remem- ber that there will be the inevitable wacko students in this class that insist that whitey causes AIDS.

The Bad:

1. Calculus 2(Honors) with Professor David Lehavi: If you are taking an honors math course, you probably deserve this. For the rest, this class is challenging enough without the teacher bumbling through les- sons, which he undoubtedly will.

2. Psychology 111 with Lecturer Bri- an Malley. This class is, in the end, a toss- up. It gets good press from those students who actually attend lecture, who insist that Malley makes the information very engag- ing. However, these students were drowned out by the exorbitant number of students complaining that his grading system is terri- ble, which most students, in particular fresh- P. 11 Features Summer 2007

features.the michigan review A Politically Correct Guide to Facebook Etiquette: the University How to Seem Cool 101

By Jane Coaston, ‘09 By Karen Boore, ‘09 since we barely know you in reality—if your group membership is all over the place. irst and foremost, welcome to the University. The next four (or five, or three, whatever) acebook is a great way to stay in DO leave posts on others’ walls. Writ- Fyears of your life will be some of the best of your life. But in order to really take advan- Ftouch with old friends and scope out ing them is fun and getting them is a treat. tage of your college experience, it’s important to recognize the importance of maintaining new classmates. Yet, as with any social in- Second, DO feel free to leave intriguing propriety and political correctness in your speech and behavior. As President Mary Sue Cole- teraction, there are some rules of etiquette posts like “I had a great time last night” to man always says (upwards of thirty times per speech), “Diversity” is the University’s strength. to keep in mind if you want your Facebook let others know that you and the recipient of Here are some important tips and guidelines: experience to go smoothly. These guidelines the message are tight—the more mysterious, will help you avoid sending the wrong mes- the better. Thirdly, leave off the class assign- 1.) If you are coming to the University, there is a chance that you are a white, middle-class, sage to those who look you up. ments and meeting times for messages. You suburban student. Just in case there were any questions, it’s your fault. What’s your fault? DO put a picture up. If no one put up do not want to taint the wall with stressful Racism, sexism, gender identity crises, rape culture, the War in Iraq, global warming, global a picture, Facebook would not exist. Plus, schoolwork. Finally, DO respond promptly cooling, country music, the inability of Michigan to oppose a good passing attack and win if someone knows you by sight, but is un- to all messages. Everyone knows you check bowl games… take your pick. You may not know you were responsible for all of these sure of your name, a picture clears all doubt. Facebook as often as you do your Umich e- social ills, and many, many more. But you are. Your parents were successful, and therefore, However, selectivity is key. Your picture mail account (maybe more), so respond to you have to pay the price. Sorry. Oh, and if you’re not a white student, but you’re still from should accurately represent you, with no the message already. middle-class suburban origins, it’s still your fault. Unless you’re black. pictures Photoshopped into deceiving at- DO practice moderation in your pri- tractiveness. vacy settings. Some information and select 2.) Because you are a white, middle-class, suburban student, its time to find a new identity, Also, DON’T have multiple people in photos are not meant for strangers, poten- because this one just won’t cut it. Since you don’t have the luck of being a minority, start your picture. If there are two really hot peo- tial employers, your RA, or DPS. But real- being friends with some. Any minority will do. What are you interested in? Yelling at people? ple and one not-so-hot person, everyone will ize what you are doing when you completely Being really annoying and getting in the way? Making people uncomfortable? Good! That know the not-so-hot person is you. You’re block your profile from those who are not means you are well on your way to joining any number student protest organizations on fooling no one. your friends. You may be protecting your- campus(or being involved in student government, but that’s another story). If you really DON’T use any pictures that can pre- self, but you are also inhibiting other’s Face- want to break away from your white, middle-class identity, find an ancestor that may have maturely compromise your reputation. Pic- book surfing fulfillment. If you do choose been subjugated by white Americans in the past. Are you 1/32 Apache? Perfect! You now tures of your wild Thursday night parties to totally block everyone, you could be seen can aggravate people with the best of them with no hint of hypocrisy. will not boost your coolness factor. So, un- as aloof and snobbish. less the pictures are still hilarious in the so- The invention of the Newsfeed has rev- 3.) Memorize some campus buzz phrases for everyday conversation. “Michigan is a War ber state, use better judgment and keep them Machine,” “Thou shalt not kill,” “Proposal 2 Discriminates,” and “George Bush Hates Black on your digital camera. People” are some good ones. Not sure what they mean? Here’s a hint: no one really does. Just DO post the appropriate pictures in say them enough, and you’ll be fine. Don’t agree with them? Life’s tough, isn’t it? your photo album of the great times you are While Facebook offers yet having at U of M. Friends enjoy taking a 4.) Remember, “Consent is Sexy.” What does that actually entail? I have no idea. But it’s stroll down memory lane, and people who another way to meet and get to important. So write it down. do not have the social life that you have en- joy living vicariously through yours. Be wary know people, it cannot measure 5.) If you wear clothing that would identify you as being a white, suburban student—Birken- of detagging yourself. It may be a good op- stocks, Uggs, khakis, leggings—add in a decorative patch so it looks like you care about tion if a truly embarrassing picture is posted up to real, live social interaction. “issues” and therefore aren’t a bad person. Rainbows are good. So are anti-Proposal 2 deco- but it could offend a friend. rations. And no, the fact that the proposal passed by a large margin nearly a year ago doesn’t DO join groups that reflect your inter- matter. ests. From TV shows you love to the bever- ages you drink, there really is no limit to the 6.) Remember that whole “melting pot” concept—of Americans, regardless of creed or types of groups you can join. If you have an olutionized friendly Facebook stalking; it is color, coming together as one, inseparable entity? Yeah. That’s done. Now we recognize lots interest that has not sparked the creation of now less work to see what your friends have and lots and lots of little groups, for every ethnic group, religious minority, and other “iden- a group yet, create one. But, if you create a updated in their profiles. ButDON’T let this tity” conceivable. At Michigan, they get T-shirts for it too! new group and later find that only one other be an excuse for you to devote saved time to person is in it with you, you must abandon updating your own profile. You might think So there you have it. Six easy things to remember as you travel through the maze (or ship even though you did create it. Also, that updating frequently will keep you fresh maize, as it may be) that is the University of Michigan. Have fun (but not too much), learn a DON’T join just any group that you have in the minds of all your friends, but soon lot (but nothing too extreme) and I hope to see you on campus (with a patch on your back- ever shared an interest with. We’re never they will become desensitized and could for- pack and a meaningful slogan in your shirt). going to know who you really are—especially get about you on Facebook altogether. Relationship status remains a contro- versial profile item. Please, DO be honest. When you say that you are in an open rela- tionship with someone of the same sex, we sometimes believe you. It may be your best Becoming a Campus Activist in Five Easy Steps! friend, but this is Ann Arbor and we don’t know what to think. Also, for your own By Zack Zucker, ‘10 Step Two: Always Look Down When arrested…unless there’s no press coverage. benefit, realize now that the awkwardness of Walking to Class And I’m not talking about the Daily—they’ll defining a new relationship is only multiplied he University of Michigan stu- Don’t worry, you can be an activist and devote three days of front page coverage to by Facebook. Tdent body has a long history of campus still have friends. But at Michigan, many some bum preaching hatred in the Diag— Poking still remains an awkward prac- activism. However, the activist life at the meetings and rallies are publicized by writ- I’m talking about a source that matters. tice. Among sets of friends, proper poking University of Michigan is not for everybody. ten messages in chalk on sidewalks around Even if you get what you demanded, stand behavior can be determined, but rules gov- It takes dedication, perseverance, and—oc- the Diag. This method is cheap and effec- strong and get arrested. It may look bad to erning poking strangers are ambiguous. One casionally—illicit drug use. If you have a tive, but also explains the notoriously low have a criminal record when you decide you should poke if interested, but if poked, re- sincere desire to get involved, though, fol- turnouts at protests the day after a storm. want to go to law school, but it gives you ciprocation is unnecessary. Repeated poking low these five steps to becoming a campus activist credibility in the eyes of the press. is just as obnoxious as physically doing so in activist. Step Three: Buy a “Che” Shirt real life, so please refrain. Nothing says “I hate capitalism but Step Five: Be a Hypocrite By following these simple rules, you can Step One: Feel Really, Really Bad About don’t know enough about Communism” come on, you’re not really going to dominate Facebook. However, it is impor- Yourself like wearing one of those fun Ché Guevara stop drinking Coke or wearing name brand tant to note that while Facebook offers yet Campus activists always have an axe to t-shirts. When the first thing about Ché that clothing. Who cares that your Ché shirt was another way to meet and get to know people, grind, and it’s usually against themselves. If comes to mind is The Motorcycle Diaries or only made so that a corporation could make it cannot measure up to real, live social inter- you walk down the street and have an over- fighting for the working man, as opposed to, a profit by exploiting cheap third-world la- action. So for those friends of yours at U-M whelming urge to say “sorry” to someone of you know, killing scores of innocent people, bor? When you decide that you really hate visit them down the hall or go out on cam- any race that yours has wronged in the past, you are on your way to becoming a campus Nike, but not as much as you really love pus rather than relying on Facebook. MR you would make a perfect campus activist. activist. those new Air Jordans, or think leather is Just watch a few propaganda films (Michael evil but just have to have those new Uggs, Moore offers a great introduction) to feel Step Four: Call the Papers you’ll officially be an activist at U-M. MR really, really bad about your government. Nothing says you truly care like getting P. 12 Features Summer 2007

features.the michigan review Life on the Outskirts: The Ups and Downs of Living Across the Huron North Campus May be Distant, but not the End of the World for Freshman

By Blake Emerson, ‘09

FTER YOU MAKE your choice to attend Michigan, there is one thing you have ab- Asolutely no control over: your housing assignment. Sure, you rank your dorm prefer- ences, but since virtually no one chooses North Campus, a large number of freshmen are effectively forced to live in the expansive, distant, and ugly-as-hell Bursley or Baits. Perhaps the most dreadful situation for an incoming student is opening up the housing assignment to the realization that you will be taking a bus to classes every day. Well, as a student who lived in Bursley his freshman year, I can tell you that it, thankfully, will not make or break your college experience. Part of the negative view of north campus is appropriate. How many schools place a large percentage of new students on an altogether different campus, where they will have to get up earlier to catch crowded morning buses? On weekends, waiting twenty minutes for buses can make you mad and possibly give you frostbite. Being up North makes partying on central campus much more difficult, since you have to tell your friends you may not be able to make it for over 20 minutes. Despite these negative aspects, do not let people convince you that you will want to transfer. You don’t want to end up here, at Bursley Hall. Meeting friends is easier on north campus. People are sequestered to north campus unless they have a reason to go down to central campus, meaning you run into the same a show on a flat panel TV. My biggest piece of advice is to make use of the Duderstadt people more often. Even when you do go to central campus, you can bond with people on (“Dude”) library, the best library on campus in my opinion. With coffee shops and food, this bus rides. This is especially true on the “drunk bus,” the name given to buses headed back is a great place to spend the day during peak study periods. to north campus after 1am on weekends. If you are social and willing to meet new people, Despite the negative aspects, I look back on my north campus experience and smile. north campus may be a blessing in disguise. With the right attitude, you may find that the dread you felt when reading your housing as- Other enjoyable entities include the food, which is better at Bursley than anywhere else signment was all for naught. MR on campus. Also, the renovated “Blue Apple” is a great place to grab a bite to eat or watch

Perspectives of an A Short Guide to the State Out-of-Stater of Michigan

By Christine Hwang, ‘10 By Zack Zucker, ‘10

nlike most of my college friends, the University of Michigan was not the natural NN ARBOR - Berkeley… but with less Mexicans… and more snow. Oops, Hispanic- Uchoice for me. Without scholarships, I pay nearly three times as much as most who to Americans. Please keep in mind, at U-M we consider it politically incorrect to mention go to this university—but I still wouldn’t choose to go anywhere else. anyA specific race, ethnicity, etc. But you’re safe if you add a hyphen and then call said group Despite having more out-of-state students than any state school in the country, the in- Americans. state presence is still evident. Most students come to the University of Michigan from out- Bloomfield Hills – Like West Bloomfield, except richer. Never heard of West Bloom- of-state because it has a little bit of everything: Nearly all of its academic departments, from field? Go to Markley. anthropology to sports management, are ranked among the top ten in the nation. Saturday Dearborn - Home to Ford and the largest Arab community in the Midwest. Sorry, no mornings can be spent in the stands of the biggest college football stadium in the world; joke here people. singing the most popular college fight song. All the while watching the team with the most Detroit - City that coined the term “pop.” We don’t say “soda” in Michigan. You will wins since the beginning of college football. Thursday evenings can be spent listening to a be going to Detroit for one of two reasons. First, for the sports and entertainment—Detroit world-renowned musician in Hill Auditorium or cramming ideas and numbers at one of the has three amazing casinos (sorry, 21+) and newly renovated theatres. Second, because it’s on coffee shops in the most awesome college town anywhere. Another option is releasing the the way to Canada, where you’ll be driving to get drunk once you turn 19. Third, despite be- week’s stress with the social scene and beverage of your choice. ing the most segregated large city in America, Detroit is making significant progress: metro But what is it like as an “outsider”? I am a Republican and a Christian from Alabama Detroiters no longer find it ironic that our hockey team plays in Detroit, while our basketball who attended a small private school for thirteen years of my life. I wasn’t supposed to tran- team plays in the suburbs. sition into Michigan as well as I did, but one of the gems of the University of Michigan is Grand Rapids - The city that Dick DeVos built. Seriously, he pretty much owns the that it’s so big you’re bound to meet a friend who you click with right away. You may meet entire city. someone in your dorm, at a party, or in a class, and then end up bonding with his or her Great Lakes - Michigan’s surrounded by four of them. Only three of them are great, entire in-state high school clique. Half of my friends are from Troy (one of those metro- though. Lake Erie smells funny…probably because it also touches Ohio. Detroit suburbs that you’re bound to become familiar with). By now, I know all the quirks Grosse Pointe - Five cities abutting Detroit and Lake Saint Clair, considered one of and characters of their childhoods. Every now and then I have to sit through their amusing, Michigan’s classiest places. I cannot say anything bad about it, because I hope someday to live but repetitive, stories of this girl one of them liked in the ninth grade or this guy who has an there and I know that they are the rich conservatives that read this paper. awesome voice (“You’ve got to hear it to understand, Christine.”), but I’m sure it makes up Kalamazoo - Yes, there is an actual city named Kalamazoo. No, there is no good reason for the hundreds of times I’ve mused about snow: something I had never really seen before to go there, except for a drinking holiday at Western…so, like, the weekend. October 12, 2006, the first day it snowed on the University of Michigan campus last school Lansing - State capitol and enemy territory. No, I’m not talking about the Democrats. year. I guarantee you warm-staters that the second you start talking about how beautiful East Lansing is home to Michigan State University. snow is, every native Michigander within a ten foot radius will tell you about how annoying Novi - If the School of Engineering founded a city, it would be Novi. it is and how they had to shovel it off the driveway at 6 a.m. Pontiac - Where many metro Detroiters go clubbing; former home of Detroit’s minor As an out-of-stater, the first time you mention driving up to Detroit, most people will league football team, the Lions. tell you that it’s the most depressing place on earth. But go there--at least once--and feel its Troy - Rich girls, you will shop here at the fabulous Somerset Collection… and I know emptiness. Then, go to Comerica Park and Ford Field, they’re pretty cool. The second you you’re rich, because you’re from out-of-state and go to U-M. start complaining about how lame the parties are and, (if you’re a guy) how there aren’t any “Up North” - This is where everyone in Michigan goes to vacation. Basically, people attractive girls on campus, the in-staters will tell you that all the wild parties and hot girls are go up to Mackinac Island to eat fudge and smell horse feces in the summer and Boyne to ski at Michigan State because all the nerds came to Michigan. Every now and then remind your “enhanced” mountains in the winter. In reality, Michigan is flatter than Nicole Ritchie. in-state friends that you’re not that different: You watched Bugs Bunny as a child, remember Upper Peninsula (“The U.P.”) - People from the Upper Peninsula are called Yoop- September 11, and wrote about the dumbest things for your application essays, too. Then, ers. They’re practically Canadian. Much like Michigan’s mascot, the Wolverine, Yoopers pretty soon, you’ll be able to give directions on the palm of your hand and trudge through supposedly once existed in Michigan, but none have ever been seen near the University of the slush and the snow like you’ve had Maize-and-Blue running through your blood for your Michigan’s campus. MR entire life. You’ll be your own person, with a very different background than most of the students at this world-class university, but part of something really big and really great, and that’s what it means to be a Michigan Wolverine. MR P. 13 Welcome Weekend Summer 2007

welcomethe michigan review weekend. Simple Rules for Football Saturdays By Adam Paul, ‘08

egardless of whether the RSeptember 1 game against Appala- chian State will be your first trip to the Big House, or if Michigan Football is a tradition you have enjoyed with your family for years, once you step into Michigan Stadium as a student everything changes. Being a part of the student section is serious business. By the second week of the term it’s going to seem impossible to get up for your 11am class, but you will be wide awake at 8am on football Saturday to get in a great pre-game without fail. First off, the student section is strictly standing room only. No, it’s not because the section is vastly overcrowded (although freshmen stuck in the upper rows may think that). But you won’t be standing for the en- tire game. Halftime and TV commercials give students a rest. Do not complain in Septem- ber that it’s too hot because if you do you will have no credibility when you complain in November that it’s too cold. Nor are cold, rain, or snow an excuse to leave the game early. No season at the Big House will go by without a few dramatic victories like a triple overtime victory over MSU or a last-second, game-winning touch- down pass against Penn State. If you are going to sneak your friends around the Stadium, I do not want to hear about it. The “hey can you see me, I’m wav- On football Saturdays, don’t be *that* guy, or *that* girl. ing my arms, I’m wearing yellow (along with everyone else), no look higher” conversation please make it look that way. game is the true main event. When you pre- Be sure to give campus celebrities their should not be part of anyone’s football ex- The wave should be performed, but not game, remember that you are going to be due. People like hot dog guy with his frank- perience. at the expense of the team. The reason the standing and cheering for three hours. So furter tossing and the U-M band really do You have to bring the noise. The Big wave is positioned in the late third quarter play beer pong, have a hot dog, but do not enhance the game experience. House has its name for a reason; no one else is that if the game is a blow-out, you have come to the game pass-out drunk. Trust me: This advice should help you make each has the capacity we do, so use that to make something extra, but if the game is close you the people around you are not going to hold game at the Big House a memorable expe- more noise than anyone else. Football is not don’t miss the closing seconds. That aside, you up. rience. On a personal note, let me reiterate a time to catch-up with friends or find out the wave is a five-minute ritual. Give it time, Speaking of being hoisted up: ladies, a bit of official University advice, “Don’t who hooked-up with whom last night (err... but do not turn to the person next to you take some advice if you plan to get lifted Trash the Big House.” As someone who has this morning). Get into the game. Too many and say “when did we get the ball back?” when U-M scores. Sure its fun to have half worked cleaning the place on Sunday, some times I have seen the “You suck” cheer when its over. In fact, never say that. dozen guys toss you in the air to commemo- cleanliness would be greatly appreciated. look like it was preformed by zombies from There is a reason we call our morning rate a field goal or touch-down, but you may MR Thriller. The motion is a Wolverine claw, so parties pre-games and that’s because the want to rethink the skirt.

“First Day” Your Essential Guide to Welcome Weekend From Page 5

How to party it up like a college student without making a fool out of yourself. to buy the extra materials. Want to save more money? Look online on websites like amazon.com and halfprice.com to By Adam Pascarella, ‘10 For the ladies, Welcome Week can be one of the most find your textbooks at lower prices, and have them shipped nerve-wracking times during their entire freshman year. For to you. And don’t worry about time. Professors don’t ex- o you have just arrived at the University of Michi- starters, if you are meeting your roommate for the first time, pect you to have the texts on the first or even the second or Sgan, one of the premier academic institutions in the realize that first impressions are key. For example, if your third day of class. country. You are anxious to take advantage of all of the re- roommate is taking up all of the closet space from the mo- DO buy most of your school supplies before the first search opportunities in the Ann Arbor and you cannot wait ment you arrive in the room, you can expect a long year. day. Just as in 3rd grade, it pays to go school shopping with to do six hours of homework every night. Am I right? I Even if you do have a horrible roommate, meeting everyone your mom a few weeks ahead. Not only will she probably didn’t think so. Most freshmen arrive at their dormitories in your hall will be a great decision. Simply put, your neigh- pay for all your pencils and notebooks, you will avoid ex- during the week before classes begin. Coincidentally, (or bors will become your best friends; you will study, exercise, orbitant prices, empty shelves, and long lines by coming to maybe not), this week is known as Welcome Week and it is and party with them throughout the year. school with an assortment of notebooks, binders, and loose- one of the most memorable and exciting times of the year Roommate issues aside, the ladies will most likely want leaf. in Ann Arbor. to hit up the nonstop parties throughout campus during DON’T wait until 10 minutes before your class to search While most freshmen want to immediately party after Welcome Week. While you may want to go completely crazy for the classroom. Take some of the nervousness out of the stepping foot on campus, there are a few things you should because your parents are not watching your every move, you first day by taking a walk around campus with some friends keep in mind. need to be smart about how to party. As a general rule, when to find your classrooms a few days before. By not having to Guys, for one thing, you need to appreciate that you will trying to find a party, never walk in a huge group of girls rely on the map, you’ll feel more confident and less jittery be allowed to pretty much go to any party that has alcohol in from your dorm—we’ll all notice. Whether this is good or when walking to those first couple of classes. the city. At this point in the year, fraternities are looking to bad is solely up to you, but we generally recommend that the Lastly, DO remember that it’s 4,000 other students’ recruit new members for the fall pledge class; they will pretty ladies party with a small group of friends. Also, on any night first day, and any embarrassing moment or mortifying mis- much allow you to drink their house dry as long as you show during Welcome Week, it won’t matter which party you go to take will soon be something to laugh over with new friends. some sign of interest. but rather how many. Wherever you go, make sure to keep Make sure to enjoy the first day of what’s supposed to be the While you’re at it, instead of trying to hook up with ev- track of your friends even though you may clearly be more best four years of your life! MR ery drunk girl at the party, try to meet as many people as inebriated than they are. you can. By networking with as many fraternity brothers and Whether you try to pass Welcome Week by making as older students as you can, you will be able to attend more many friends as possible or by remaining in a drunken stu- parties once Welcome Week ends. While all of your friends por, Welcome Week is the stereotype of what college is actu- will be standing in a line trying to get into a fraternity party in ally like; make sure you take advantage of every opportunity. 20 degree weather, you will be enjoying the countless games MR of beer pong and flip cup at the party. P. 14 Ann Arbor Summer 2007 2 bthe estmichigan of review a . What We’ve Got: The Best of the Rest in Ann Arbor

Best Food that happens on the ice, and crowd participa- The Halfass ment you need. Group projects and group tion is required, not just encouraged. U-M S. University and E. University studying that involve extensive discussion Cheap Eats coach Red Berenson normally puts a good This venue officially known as the Half- and are best done in the company of oth- team on the ice, and the program has been way Inn is located in the basement of East ers undertaking similar tasks. Your prede- Za’s a springboard for NHLers including Marty Quad. The small theatre is run by the East cessors have decided that the undergraduate E. University and S. University Turco, Aaron Ward, Mike Knuble, and more Quad Music Co-Operative. It mainly fea- library, lovingly called the UGLi, is the most Za’s features delicious customized Ital- recently, star defenseman Jack Johnson. tures local bands and artists, but has scored social and loud library on this campus. Take ian food. Just get in line, fill out a meal ticket, While the men’s basketball program a few major shows, including a performance advantage of it. and enjoy your food. The restaurant also fea- hasn’t seen as much success as of late, the by indie darling My Brightest Diamond last If your study habits tend towards the tures a nice atmosphere for lunchtime hang- recent hiring of new coach John Beilein year. hermetical or if you have more work than outs with friends. may reinvigorate the program. Known as Michael O’Brien you can fathom, head over to the stacks of a “coach’s coach,” it’ll be worth dropping the Grad Library. Not only are they filled Potbelly’s by Crisler Arena in the winter to see what with all of the books you need to write pa- S. State and E. Liberty Beilein can do with some of the nation’s Best Shopping pers or get clarification on class material, For cheap warm sandwiches, check out top recruits. Go to either a Michigan State they are filled with study carrels. They are Potbelly’s. Their Oatmeal Chocolate Chip game for the in-state rivalry, or an Ohio State Ann Arbor shopping offers a little something full only around exam time, and they are cookies are a campus favorite, as well as game to relive the storied football rivalry, or for everyone. Within a few short blocks on usually used by people who need to quiet to their milkshakes. The laid back atmosphere a Duke game, since they’ve returned to the campus, there are stores to match every price concetrate on their work. is great for studying or just pigging out with U-M schedule after a long absence. range and personal style. Important as it is to spend time on your friends. While these are the “money” sports for Urban Outfitters is on of the most work, it is not everthing. Saul Bellow once the University, they don’t hold a monopoly popular shopping destinations for Michi- warned, “People can lose their lives in librar- Zingermanns’ Delicatessen on athletic talent. Go to another event— ies. They ought to be warned.” That said, 422 Detroit St.: they’re always free—and check out the depth enjoy your work. You will certainly have a Not exactly a cheap eat, but it is well of our Athletic department. lot of it. worth the extra cost. Zingermanns’ is a world Amanda Nichols Marie Cour famous deli, and one visit will be enough to convince you why. If you like corned beef this is the place to go. If deli meat is not your Best Concert Venues taste, there is always the bread section. Though Ann Arbor may not get as many major marquee performers as Detroit, there are a number of popular venues in the im- mediate campus area that play host to small- gan students. Located on State Street, it sells er and up-and-coming artists. You shouldn’t men’s and women’s clothing as well as shoes, check out of college without having checked jewelry and home furnishings. There are al- out these venues: ways items on sale at the back of the store, so with a little effort it is not hard to find The Blind Pig good deals. Urban’s style captures young N. Liberty and First Ann Arbor fashion well. Consistently rated as a top campus ven- Also on State Street, Bivouac sells ue nationwide, The Blind Pig is a good place men’s and women’s fashion, as well as out- Best Drunk Food to catch emerging artists in genres from in- door and fitness apparel. Bivouac sells After leaving the club, the bar, the frat, or Night on the Town (or When the Parents are die rock to hip hop. Nirvana played there brands like North Face, Lacoste, True Re- that random house-party, no one ever really in Town to Pay) before, well, you know… ligion, AG jeans, Seven, Michael Star, and wants to go home. A perfect way to avoid Free People. Prices are more expensive so it much needed sleep a bit longer while still Gratzi is best to look for off-season sales or just the fueling the body is, of course, drunk food. S. Main and W. Williams occasional piece. Campus offers an array of places to satisfy Gratzi serves fresh and delicious North- American Apparel, on East Liberty, those late night cravings and to ensure a pos- ern Italian cuisine. The restaurant is located sells t-shirts, tank tops, jackets, hoodies itive experience to round out your evening. in an old theatre with beautiful frescos. A dresses and leggings in tons of bright colors Here is a review of some of the best drunk little pricey, but the dining experience is well and simple fabrics. Poshh, a small boutique food in town. worth it. A great place to impress a date. on East Liberty, has more expensive clothing but very unique jewelry ranging from $10- BTB BD’s Mongolian Barbeque $30. If you stick to accessories at Poshh you This small burrito shop goes by just its S. Main can find unique pieces at reasonable prices. initials, because it is shorter and helps to get Load up on a variety of meats, vegeta- If you love one-of-a-kind pieces and are around some legal pressures brought by the bles, and sauces and watch the lively staff willing to put in effort in searching, go to Big Ten Conference. BTB, with its single ta- at Mongolian BBQ prepare your dish on a Star Vintage on State, or Ana Banana on ble, may be one of State St.’s smallest eater- large grill. A fun place to take your parents South University. Prices are moderate and ies, but its food is some of the biggest. The when they visit for Parent’s Weekend. you won’t see anyone else on campus with burritos, nachos, and tacos are enormous. your clothes. These giant mixtures of shell, bean, and Chop House Briarwood Mall is another option for meat are the perfect way to end the night. S. Main and W. Williams shopping. It isn’t within walking distance BTB even seems designed to cater to the late The crème da la crème of Ann Arbor but can be reached by bus. Briarwood has night crowd as your beer blanket will come dining. The Chop House is a nationally fa- The Ark popular favorites like Forever 21, H&M, Ma- in handy when you wait in line outside in mous Steak House. This meal will set you S. Main and W. Liberty cy’s, JCrew, GAP, and Victoria’s Secret. December. back a bit, but you will feel like a celebrity Known for its focus on folk, the Ark is If you are looking for always-popular with the great service and excellent food. known as an intimate, acoustic-only venue. Michigan wear, try Steve and Barry’s on State Backroom Pizza Rebecca Christy It features everyone from the unknowns or Ulrich’s Spirit Shop on South University. Like BTB, its tiny size means you may to more major mainstream and folk artists, Kate O’Connor end up waiting outside. The beauty of this Best (Non-Football) Sports like Cary Brothers, from the Garden State Church St. staple exists in the intersection soundtrack. Best Study Spots between greasiness and affordability. You Think you’re a Michigan fan? Well, cannot go wrong with $1 cheese slices glit- simply darkening the doorway of the Big Michigan Theatre For better or for worse, college life is filled tering with a deliciously unhealthy sheen. House doesn’t quite prove that. While foot- S. State and E. Liberty with homework. For some, the work will be ball reigns supreme here at U-M, there are Located on East Liberty St., the Michi- an end in itself. Even if you plan to spend New York Pizza Depot (NYPD) lots of other athletic events you can—and gan Theatre is home to the largest and most more time at house parties than in the li- A bit more expensive than Backroom, should—attend while a student at the Uni- popular concerts. Everyone from Death Cab brary, you should know that hours to read- NYPD nevertheless has more topping vari- versity. for Cutie to Broken Social Scene to jam band ing, cramming, and typing stand between you ety as well as the benefit of seating at both The hockey team is a perennial favor- Gov’t Mule have performed there. The ven- and your diploma. Once you have grudingly the E. Williams and S. University locations. ite among students, and the fans at Yost Ice ue also has a movie theatre and often hosts accepted, that you have work to complete If you need a break from your own unbal- Arena are passionate and raucous. Make stand-up comedians like George Carlin. Be you need to find a place to tackle it all. anced steps, this is an excellent place to rest. sure you know the cheers, though, before sure to check Michigan Theatre’s schedule Some of this depends on the type of Adam Paul you go; there is one for just about anything on a regular basis. work that needs to be done and the environ- P. 15 College Life Summer 2007 Crash Course Discovering Detroit: in CTools A Guide to Your Newest Neighbor

By Anna Malecke, ‘10 By Brian Biglin, ‘08 Orchestra Hall: Home of the Detroit tertainment, food, and drink in the city. Symphony Orchestra and the preeminent Greektown Casino is currently building y definition of a horrible first day hen Ann Arbor starts to bore place to hear classical music in the region. a thirty-story hotel on the eastern end of Mof class: having the professor ask you to Wyou, a trip to Detroit, just 40 miles This is an architectural and acoustical gem, the strip, near historic St. Mary’s Church. introduce yourself by identifying your favorite east of U-M and the nation’s 11th largest with an extensive year-round schedule. Lo- Greektown, especially busy on weekend part of the article that was assigned- an article city, becomes an appealing option. Culture, cated at 3663 Woodward Avenue in mid- nights, is within walking distance of Cam- you knew nothing about. Yes, this did happen history, and a redeveloping downtown can town. pus Martius and the stadiums. to me, but happily it can be avoided by read- be found in the city. See also: The Masonic Temple (500 The Renaissance Center and Riv- ing this article, a crash course in Ctools. Ctools The Review will keep you updated on Temple Ave. in midtown), Music Hall (350 erfront Promenade: General Motors is the University’s online tool allowing profes- news regarding a possible commuter rail Madison St. downtown) The Fisher The- headquarters are contained within these sors to organize and facilitate courses as well as line between Detroit and Ann Arbor, but atre (mostly Broadway shows, at 3011 W. massive towers, and GM was responsible communicate with students. for now, getting to Detroit basically re- Grand Blvd.), and The Gem and Cen- for turning this former fortress into a peo- The first thing you should notice about quires a car. Use this as a preliminary guide tury Theatres (on Madison across from ple-friendly facility with a sweeping, glassy ctools is that you have a different tab and page to visiting one of the most stigmatized and Music Hall, near the stadiums). mall leading to the riverfront, where you for each one of your classes. If one does not misunderstood cities in the world, so that can walk onto a promenade overlooking show up by your first day of class, tell your pro- you can come to your own conclusions 5 Downtown Sights to See: the skyline and Canada to the south. It can fessor. However, be sure to check the drop box about the city. Downtown Detroit, one of the few be accessed from Jefferson Avenue near on the right side of the screen before you ac- areas in the region with a growing popu- Brush St., from a river-side entrance off cost your professor. Music and Theatre: lation, is also known for its hundreds of Atwater Street, or from a People Mover Ctools can be overwhelming at first because Detroit has the second most theatre restaurants, bars, and clubs, in addition to stop. of all the different ways professors employ the seats of US cities, and plenty of events to its public squares, riverfront views, and Grand Circus Park: If you go to a site. The most common way professors use fill them. Here is a list of the most famous events. There are three casinos in or near Tigers game, you will find yourself within Ctools is to post Announcements. Now don’t venues, all in downtown and midtown, downtown—each is currently building a a block of this large park. Grand Circus, get paranoid and check your Ctools as much as where you can see a show: high rise hotel. Three professional teams which is the gateway to downtown, is on your Facebook throughout the first two weeks The State Theatre: the site of con- play downtown: the Tigers at Comerica both sides of Woodward at Adams Street. like I did. Ctools will email your Umich ac- certs for many major bands and artists, a Park, the Red Wings on the river at Joe count when one of your professors posts an favorite among the college crowd. Located Louis Arena, and the Lions at Ford Field Other Must-Sees: announcement. at 2115 Woodward, near Comerica Park. across from Comerica Park. Detroit Institute of Art: This massive, Whenever a professor posts something un- The Fox Theatre: The second largest Campus Martius Park: Detroit’s historic museum contains hundreds of der Resources, they will usually make a Ctools theatre in America is also one of its most town square, at the confluence of several world-famous originals from notable art- announcement about it to alert you. The Re- elaborate and lavish theatres anywhere. At thoroughfares, amid downtown skyscrap- ists. The Detroit Film Theatre is attached, sources component of Ctools allows professors 2211 Woodward next to the State, it hosts ers. The Project for Public Spaces recently and is a great place to see documentaries to post anything from slides, articles, or movies major concerts, variety shows, and other called the park one of North America’s and independents. Located on Wood- as well as required and optional material for stu- events. best public squares. The park features ward north of Warren, within a block of dents. If you do have an assignment involving Detroit Opera House: This famous an ice rink during the winter, a lawn for the central Detroit Public Library, Wayne something posted on ctools, it pays to make sure venue off of Grand Circus Park near Co- concerts in the summer, and anchors mul- State University, and the Detroit Science you can download it a few days before. Despite merica Park features an extensive tiple downtown festivals such as Motown Center. your professors’ promises, sometimes that re- opera season, an annual appearance of Winter Blast. Compuware Corporation re- Brush Park: Quickly becoming a quired movie or reading just will not download. The Nutcracker, and some musicals such cently built its headquarters, replete with symbol of gentrification, Brush Park is a If you’ve realized this in advance, it’s easy to as the upcoming Lion King. Located a massive indoor waterfall and Detroit’s 19th century neighborhood east of Wood- contact your professor to fix the problem. If at 1526 Broadway Street at Madison in Hard Rock Café, on the north side of the ward and north of downtown which fell it’s midnight the night before that ten-page es- downtown. park. The redevelopment success of De- into ruins, only to see rehabilitation and say is due, the solution isn’t that easy. The Magic Stick and Majestic troit and the challenges ahead--seen in the infill since around 2000. A drive along Some professors also require you to submit Theatre: Usually considered Detroit’s best gaps in the skyline awaiting new develop- John R St. from Winder St. to Canfield St. assignments on Ctools. This is simple if you live music venue, the Magic Stick features ment--cannot be understood without a will display these changes, and the work is remember to both attach and then submit the several performances per week, bringing visit to Campus Martius Park. The park is yet to be done. assignment. Another use of Ctools that might in small upstarts and major independent located on lower Woodward Avenue at the Eastern Market: This large historic not be as widespread is the discussion function, artists alike, and the Majestic is next-door corner of Michigan Avenue. farmers market, with stores and restaurants allowing professors and students to have writ- theatre featuring larger shows. Both are at- The Guardian Building: A visit to around its perimeter, is bustling, especially ten dialogs. Ctools also features a drop box, tached to a busy bar, restaurant, and bowl- this 1920s art deco skyscraper amid other on Saturdays. Most of the establishments which lets professors and students share files. ing alley which is a favorite of Wayne State corporate cathedrals on Griswold Street are closed on Sunday. Located along and This is also used to submit papers and other students and midtown residents. Located shows just how wealthy Detroit once was. east of Russell Street just north of Gratiot assignments for some professors. And don’t at 4120 Woodward Avenue, a few minutes Enter on Congress Street between Wood- outside of downtown. develop a habit of switching back and forth south of I-94, in midtown. ward and Griswold to see the lavish lobby Mexicantown: West of downtown, between your Umich e-mail and Ctools. You The Hilberry: On the campus of area and the shops contained inside. Af- shops and restaurants, in addition to large can check your account under My Workspace Wayne State in Midtown is this graduate terwards, notice the other pre-1930 sky- sections of Hispanic-majority neighbor- on Ctools. repertory theatre in a historic building. scrapers, such as the Penobscot and Dime hoods, abound in this neighborhood Professors use Ctools in all different ways Located at 4841 Cass Avenue, this theatre Buildings, on neighboring blocks. displaying the success of one immigrant according to their preferences. Make sure to features an extensive schedule of plays Greektown: Centered on Monroe group in Detroit. Accessed from I-75 exit become familiar with it early and to explore all and musicals. Another Wayne State theatre Street between Brush and St. Antoine, this 47a, going north three blocks on Scotten the different ways it can be useful to you in your is The Bonstelle, a former synagogue at historic strip of Victorian-era storefronts Street to Vernor. Bagley Street near I-75 is studies. MR 3424 Woodward. contains the highest concentration of en- another popular strip. MR

Five Bad Habits You Will Develop in College

By Rebecca Christy, ‘08 felt scarfing down a slice of pizza from In and Out or a bur- laundry pile has shorts even though it is December. And al- rito from Big Ten the morning after. though you insist the floor of your dorm room doubles as a 1. Lower Standards shelf, all the books and papers on the floor really should be Just because the pond is bigger does not mean that the 3. Acquiring Mass Amounts of Television Shows on organized by class and alphabetized. You will also be in the quality got any better. Michigan is known for its brains, not DVD best shape of your life when you decide finals week is a great its bodies. Sacrifices must be made in order to attend one of Regularly scheduled programming does not work for time to get back into the gym. You may not ace the test, but the best public universities in the nation, and a lack of eye the average college student. With homework, evening class- you will lower your cholesterol. candy is one of them. Excess amounts of alcohol will not es, and group meetings, making time to watch a television help you make better decisions, either. They will just make show on the same night each week requires devotion. In or- 5. Excess in General you feel like you are getting more for your money--at least der to catch up, students buy their favorite shows for the The freedom of college allows an individual to experi- until the next morning. convenience of watching them whenever they want. Added ment with the notion of too much of a good thing. It seems bonus, it is a lot easier to justify watching an entire season of almost every college student has the epiphany that they will 2. The Classic and (Seemingly Unavoidable) Freshman Arrested Development in one sitting. never do (insert activity here) again. Trust me, you will. And Fifteen as long as you learn eventually…that is all that matters. MR I worked out almost every day freshman year and was 4. Mastering the Art of Doing Anything But Study still scolded by my doctor for gaining ten pounds. There are As midterms and finals roll around you will suddenly be- few people who can avoid the drunk munchies, which is un- come aware of all the things you have neglected to do during fortunate because you rarely remember the satisfaction you the semester. You suddenly realize that the bottom of your P. 16 Summer 2007 Join The Michigan Review

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