MIAMI UNIVERSITY The Graduate School
Certificate for Approving the Dissertation
We hereby approve the Dissertation
of
Robin Dennise Cooper
Candidate for the Degree
Doctor of Philosophy
______Dr. Kate Rousmaniere, Director
______Dr. Denise Taliaferro Baszile, Reader
______Dr. Tom Poetter, Reader
______Dr. Sherrill Sellers, Graduate School Representative
ABSTRACT
“I GOT THIS”: SINGLE BLACK MILLENNIAL MOTHERS DESCRIBE THEIR JOURNEY TO SELF-EFFICACY AS FIRST TEACHERS
by
Robin D. Cooper
Many of the narratives, media images, and studies depicting the phenomenon of single Black mother are dangerously destructive and misrepresentative of this population. Add into that phenomenon the descriptor millennial and one finds the research is limited. There is need for intervention that will deconstruct the master narratives and decolonize the minds of all who have been affected by them. With Black feminist thought/womanism as a methodological approach and narrative inquiry as the research method, this qualitative study offers that intervention and serves as a space from which knowledge about the mothers being studied is produced by the mothers being studied. One-on-one semi-structured interviews, video group chats, and group texts were used to gather these counter stories from the five single Black millennial mother participants. Choice emerges as the foundational tenet for a “I got this” philosophy that acts as a guiding principle for the behaviors of these intellectuals from “outside academia” (Walker, 2009, p.20). Choosing to embrace single motherhood, secure their children, self-define, determine their own worth and destiny, give and accept support represent a few of the methods the single Black millennial mothers employ to undergird their sense of self-efficaciousness as first teachers to their children.
“I GOT THIS”: SINGLE BLACK MILLENNIAL MOTHERS DESCRIBE THEIR JOURNEY TO SELF-EFFICACY AS FIRST TEACHERS
A DISSERTATION
Presented to the Faculty of
Miami University in partial
fulfillment of the requirements
for the degree of
Doctor of Philosophy
Department of Educational Leadership
by
Robin D. Cooper
The Graduate School Miami University Oxford, Ohio
2018
Dissertation Director: Dr. Kate Rousmaniere
©
Robin Dennise Cooper
2018
TABLE OF CONTENTS
DEDICATION……………………………………………………………………………iv ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS………………………………………………………………vi CHAPTER 1: Introduction to the Study…………………………………………………..1 CHAPTER 2: Literature Review………………………………………………………...25 CHAPTER 3: Research Methodology and Design……………………………………....51 CHAPTER 4: Results: E Pluribus Unum--Out of Many, One: The Shared Narratives…68 CHAPTER 5: Results: E Pluribus Unum--Out of Many, One: The Individual Narratives ………….……………………………………………………………………………….145 CHAPTER 6: Discussion and Conclusion……………………………………………...167 APPENDIX……………………………………………………………………………..173 REFERENCES………………………………………………………………………....190
iii
DEDICATION ~This work is dedicated to my mother, Anna Mae Pierce-Cooper~ In high school, I decided I wanted to be a pediatrician and secured a full scholarship to the University of Cincinnati to pursue that goal. My mother—who worked in doctor’s offices, frequented hospitals, and loved television shows about medicine (ER, Grey’s Anatomy were two of her favorites) latched onto this notion so much so that I was almost afraid to call home after year one in pre-med and inform her that I had changed my major to education. As disappointed as Momma may have been, she didn’t show it. She encouraged me to be the best teacher I could be and found any and all possible ways to continue to push me towards my excellence. SLE (Lupus) often forced Momma to live on the other end of medicine as patient and few days after receiving my master’s degree (literally), she was admitted to the hospital. During my first visit, she introduced me to her care team, “This is my daughter, Robin. She just graduated with a master’s degree and is going for her doctorate next.” I laughed and said, “Momma, stop lying to these people! I am NOT going back to school...ever!” Ten years later, I was accepted into the doctoral program at Miami University. Again, she did everything she possibly could to support me in finishing the journey. Knowing I had often been up all night studying and then spent the full day at work before going to evening classes, she would strategically call me to keep me alert as I made the hour-long drive to Oxford and then back home at night. Momma passed before I could finish and the guilt of not being there during some of her most difficult days—because I was writing, raising children, working full-time, nursing a sick marriage, and just holding my broken self together—crushed me. I was broken and was sure the damage was irreparable. I dropped out of the program for two years after her death and nearly surrendered my will to finish. But...Nah, that would not do for Anna Mae Pierce-Cooper and from eternity she continued urging me to find peace and forgiveness, realize my dreams, and live my purpose. She visited me in dreams and seemed to wave to me from pages of self-help books—as I wrote our stories all in the margins. Interpreting dreams, journaling, therapy, meditation, yoga, and reconnecting with Spirit became practices that ushered me to a place of compassionate understanding,
iv healing, and forgiveness of my parents, myself, and others. As I practiced these new and more positive ways of BEing (existing), I found my way back to my doctoral work with a clear direction and purpose. Again, Momma showed up as she too had existed as a single Black mother (even in marriage) and was the link to all the single Black mothers I knew as a girl, woman, mother, and single mother. Those who, like me, had been through hell and high water, been broken into pieces, suffered all types of oppression, but put those pieces back together right before our eyes with a mixture of #Blackgirlmagic and Kintsugi. Kintsugi (or Kintsukuroi, which means “golden repair”), translated to “golden joinery,” is the centuries-old Japanese art of fixing broken pottery with a special lacquer dusted with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. Beautiful seams of gold glint in the cracks of ceramic ware, giving a unique appearance to the piece. This repair method celebrates each artifact's unique history by emphasizing its fractures and breaks instead of hiding or disguising them. Kintsugi often makes the repaired piece even more beautiful than the original, revitalizing it with new life. Domestic violence left our family broken in many ways. But no matter how much pain, anger, or confusion Momma and I shared as we lived through that brokenness, we always practiced Kintsugi. Yeah, I saw the cracks, but they glistened with golden lessons of surviving, striving, and thriving. Lessons that keep me on GO! Thank you, Momma! This one’s for you!
v
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Thank you, first of all, to The Crew—my three little piggies and spiritual partners, LTJ. Without you I never would have made it to this point in my journey—you are my inspiration! LeeAnn, what an amazing woman and mother you are! Not many of us are in tune enough to know at the age of five what our passions are--you were, you did. A BOSS— past and present—your playmates didn’t stand a chance, “Look, y’all can do this my way or go home!” And an employee?...umm, no...“Ma, come get me. They trippin’ on this job!” Yup, Boss! Watching you grow was often painful because so many times I thought I’d failed you and made choices I’d never want you to make—and you saw (and commented on) EVERYTHING! Ha! In hindsight, it has been my pleasure to have you continuously challenge me to see myself and accept difference as a good thing. Not much of a talker, you like to show and prove—living proof that intelligence is so much more than what we learn in school. You are my favorite girl in the whole wide world. We are dance partners literally and figuratively. Thank you for being my first student and my teacher...like a Boss! Go! George (Tre), my reflection, fellow middle child, and counselor—you push me past my comfort zone and remind me to follow my own advice regularly. You always know just what to say and I love to listen to the wisdom you’ve gained from living your dreams—the jewels you so eagerly share as you pace the floor in deep thought. You have kept me from staying down when I have fallen and reminded me as I struggled with the decision to finish or drop out of the Ph.D. program, “Mom, if you never do anything else, you have accomplished enough, so much. You need not be confused about that.” You are my favorite number one son, a creative genius, and self-taught intellectual with a college degree—you already knew more than any school could teach. I am always waiting to see what you choose to do, explore, and conquer next! My Carmen Sandiego—where in the world will you go next? I am so proud of who you choose to be! Remember to follow the advice you gave me, “Process over product, enjoy the journey, Ma!” because you STAY on GO!
vi Joshua (Josh) my spiritual and intellectual twin. A deep thinker, you choose your words carefully and listening is your gift—seeking to disrupt the lies and expose the truths—a quiet force to be reckoned with. A world traveler with a broad, light gathering lens. You introduced me to meditation and yoga thereby, and ultimately, to finding peace within—which allows me to just make the next right move...Go! You consider love, healing, and liberation as your goals. A leader from the start, mighty in spirit and soul. A two-year old with such a great sense of self that when I told you to stop playing drums on the dining room chairs you asked “why?” My response was, “Because I said so and I’m the mom” to which you replied, “And I’m the son!” You taught me the importance of a true explanation—my baby—loved you since Day 1. Since before Day 1. You warm my heart with, “Mom, you’re the smartest person I know!” But, I gotta let you know...You inspire me, Josh. Go! To my first friend and sister, Debbie, you are my friend and a loving support to our family and all your friends. You bless all who come your way! Thank you for believing in me and for being a silent partner willing to do anything possible to help me get through this project and this life. Because you are such a giver and caretaker, you often overlook your strength—but we see it! Thank you for your amazing sense of humor that can make all manner of pain tolerable. My partner in song, dance, laughter, growth, pain, purpose and peace. We got us! Keep doin’ you, sister! You got this! Go! OMG, my amazing granddaughters, Arriah, Makayla, and Zurri!!! Mama will always love you! Oh, yes, I will! Girls get the girls!! I hope you are forever inspired to continue on your life journey with greatness as your aspiration! What giant personalities and special gifts each of you have to offer this world! Dance, sing, write, teach, create, BE YOU!!! You are more than enough!!! Our project is next! Go! To Auntie, thank you for being my accountability partner and scheduling check- ins with me in the early stages of writing. Thank you for hearing my ideas, sharing yours (always that missing link I was searching for and couldn’t find), encouraging me, sharing stories, and simply loving me. You were always someone I admired...I have always loved your freedom and ability to be who you want to be no matter what anyone else says or how they feel about it! I love you, Hun! Cousin Charles, thank you for keeping me spiritually grounded and aware of the greatness from which I came—my ancestral ties.
vii To The FAM (ALL y’all), we’ve been through a lot together and separately, but we are overcomers. Together we win!! Love y’all thiiiiiiiiiis much! Eunice, I’m doin’ the best I can...workin’ my show!!! To all my friends and extended family who have just listened, encouraged, and allowed me (with love and acceptance) to fall off for long periods of time in order to focus, know that I love and appreciate you for your gift of understanding and love in action. Lynnie, I’ll always remember how I wanted so desperately to write in 2016 but could not get anything to surface. You reassured me many times that it would all come together soon...that your brother and sister—both PhDs—suggested one must live their dissertation first. Then in August of 2017, you connected me to Dr. Angie, your amazing sister! I love you, Lynnie! Walk with me!
To the ancestors—Momma, Daddy, and all of my spiritual guides—who have transitioned from this physical realm but still exist in my soul, heart, and mind, I thank you! Thank you for allowing me to experience and live in your stories, for allowing me to still call on you in times of confusion and have access to your guidance, for coming to me in dreams and meditations, for speaking through and by any means necessary to get me through life and through this doctoral journey. Thank you, Momma, for keeping me awake as I traveled to and from Oxford after a long day of work. It worked every time! You know your child—a good conversation will definitely keep me awake! Now, I talk to myself and often record it (for training purposes! Ha!). To all my ancestors who were not allowed a “formal” education, I do this because you weren’t allowed to—even though that never stopped your forward progression as self-taught intellectuals. Thank you for all you did to survive and thrive in this world that was so hateful to you because of your brown skin. Thank you for paving the way for us. All missteps are forgiven...we are just trying to learn from it all...when we know better, we do better! We are all imperfect people and products of (often) traumatic life experiences in America, yet we are great! Thank you for showing me how to keep on movin’ no matter how many missteps are made. Thank you for showing me how to do and be whatsoever I chose to do and be no matter what the world says about me. Thank you for showing me how to make pig guts taste like a delicacy or as other folks might
viii say, “how to take lemons and make lemonade”. From eternity, you still speak to me—and I wanna thank you! Thank you to my coaches, Dr. Kate, Dr. Angela, and Dr. Ilana. I might still be staring at chapter two or reading every book ever referenced in the first BFT/W article I read if it were not for your support and nudges to move it along. Dr. Kate, you have been so patient, honest, and gentle (in your firm way) with me for almost all of the twelve years it took me to get to the point of finishing this journey to Ph.D. Drs. Angela and Ilana, you came in at the end of year twelve in a powerful way! Sharing your expertise as sisters in the academy and sisters in life. You stepped up when you saw I needed a push and you stepped back when it seemed I just wanted to be alone with my data and mySelf. When Dr. Kate said, “Just surround yourself with people who have already done this,” you showed up—sent like angelic guides. Thank you! Stories reveal and heal, they reach and teach, they show and grow us into our best selves if we listen. I am ever so grateful for the chance to grow with you CJ, Monica, CherryB, AnnaN and MOAK—the five wonderful women and mothers who allowed me to witness their stories along with them and for the purpose of this work. Thank you for pouring out your most intimate selves authentically in order to reveal, heal, reach, teach, show, and grow yourselves. You are amazing, beautiful, powerful, intellectuals whose lives will undoubtedly do just what you intend for them to do—be a light for someone else who might not know just how fabulous, capable, and brilliant they really are because life has been cruel, rude, and harsh to them and because perhaps in the pain of it all, they bought the lies told to and about them. Thank you all from the depth of my being! My sisters, I thank you! Love, peace, joy, and looooooooong hugs forever and ever! This work is written in our authentic voices as we have all lived our entire lives as Black women in America. It will speak to those who care to hear our truth told in our way—no shame felt, and no apologies provided. To the reader, if you dare to enter our world—and we welcome you—do so at your own risk. Know that we are self-defined, self- determined, and know our worth. We hope to inspire you to be or stay open to learning something new...that is all. Love and Gratitude, RobinD, Ph.
ix Chapter 1: Introduction to the Study
“Oppressors always expect the oppressed to extend to them the understanding so lacking in themselves.” ~Audre Lorde~
When this study was in the beginning stages of development—in the fertile womb of my psyche—my intention was twofold. One, to give these mothers a chance to share their stories of single motherhood as Black millennials and two, to give them space to tell how they came to see themselves as self-efficacious first teachers of their children. As I got closer to putting the research project together and specifically as I began reviewing literature, it became clear that the tide was turning for my life purpose. It was actually beginning to shift from classroom teacher to one who inspires individual, as well as, family healing and development. As I read the works of sister scholars who attested to the hatred America has for Black mothers and their children, I began to want social justice for our families even more than before. After all, all the family members I had known and some I had only heard of, had been affected by the realities of LWBA—living while Black in America. We had all been brutalized and the consequences of that brutality were visible even when we had not recognized it. All this clarity came at the same time that a growing movement, Black Lives Matter (BLM), began to shine the spotlight on police brutality that resulted in the murder of many innocent Black men, women, and children. These brutal killings were committed in the presence of children serving notice to them that not even the adults in their lives could keep them safe from harm. This all too familiar fear was reminiscent of that which was once branded onto the hearts, minds, and spirits of slave children when they were torn from the arms of their parents and sold to other plantations, when their parents hung from trees, when they were demoralized by the fact that their same-aged playmates actually owned them. It was a reminder of the fear felt by children who grew up during the Civil Rights Era when their churches were bombed, schools and homes were burned down, bodies were attacked by police dogs or beaten by billy clubs, and pounded by the pressure of a precious life sustaining substance bursting from Birmingham water hoses. After attending a BLM rally and march on city hall, I experienced an increased desire to participate in or spearhead a “movement” that would rebuild our families scarred by years of systematic and systemic forms of oppression—families who suffered with post-traumatic slave
1 syndrome (Leary, 2005) that threatened our very existence and survival. It became my work to listen to Spirit as I learned how to just make the next right move toward this newly revealed destiny. I needed to know what my plan of action would be, my pedagogy, my strategy for approaching the issues that keep us in bondage. Believing we already have what we need to carry out our life purposes, I searched within for the answers. What I knew was that I had been a story collector and story teller all my life. For some reason, adults loved to share stories with me even as a child and I loved to take those stories in and hold them close. That was it! That’s where I would begin—collecting stories. I have a love for and belief in the power of stories! I enjoyed hearing them as a child, learning from them as I watched my elders live them, and developed into a self-efficacious woman and mother as a result of those stories both embodied and spoken. Stories have given me the ability to see people, including myself, beyond the “current” presentation and allowed me to apply mercy, forgiveness, and compassion when the world, relationships, and friendships were quite painful. Stories have allowed me to fight when turning the other cheek was not an option. These stories have given me strength to get up after many falls, visualize success after failures, and keep on keepin' on. Writing the stories of these mothers was in no way as simple as writing the words they spoke. It was as complicated as sensing their underlying expressions, hearing words not spoken, experiencing their presence, and traveling with them to past lives that left lingering emotions. It meant hearing, seeing and feeling their excitement, hurt, passion, uncertainty, or assuredness. It meant waiting patiently—at times hours and even days, weeks, or months, after the initial interview—for them to expose (or perhaps even experience and give themselves permission to share) their true feelings in reference to the questions posed to them without being concerned with how they sounded (whether or not they were “polished” and “proper”). Writing their stories authentically was proclaiming, “Yes, we know how to speak standard English, but at times we choose not to because that is our choice and it is how we express our power to self-define, decide our own worth, and choose our own lives!” So, when it came time to put their stories on paper, it became a spiritual undertaking for me and one for which I needed divine guidance to navigate. After all, these women had allowed me to touch their souls (the non-physical part of them that is the seat of emotion and character) and trusted me to transcribe not only the dialogue they had
2 with the interview questions but the emotions they demonstrated, the struggles they had survived, the knowledge they had gained, and the pride they maintained or regained through it all. It was my task to capture the passion they exuded, the purpose they found, and the hope they held onto and I was up for the challenge. I write their stories in poetry and prose, as this is how I, as a Black feminist scholar, am choosing to be—choosing to exist in academia—one who will not be divided into two separate spaces of heart and head. I choose to employ both ideas/theory and feelings as a means to sharing and creating knowledge and understanding of our lived experiences. At this point in time, I believe that women carry within ourselves the possibility for fusion of these two approaches as keystone for survival, and we come closest to this combination in our poetry. I speak here of poetry as the revelation or distillation of experience, not the sterile word play that, too often, the white fathers distorted the word poetry to mean—in order to cover their desperate wish for imagination without insight. For women, then, poetry is not a luxury. It is a vital necessity of our existence. It forms the quality of the light within which we predicate our hopes and dreams toward survival and change, first made into language, then into idea, then into more tangible action. (Lorde, 1985, p.1) I can no longer pretend that my ability to produce knowledge—though it may not line up with what is typically seen in the academy as intellect—is substandard. I can no longer pretend that what we experience as Black people and specifically Black women in America does not lend itself to developing a way of knowing—an epistemology—that is specific to our lived experiences. I choose to speak from my experiences and to give voice and power to the single Black millennial mothers who participated in this study as an act of love for, healing to, and transformation of a world that is in denial about what is truth and what is socially just. If I am scrutinized for my choice, I choose to accept that critical examination and to thrive in it as I develop the ability to turn that questioning into knowledge that will move me to action which gives me power to live outside of the fear that once silenced and controlled me (Lorde, 1985). bell hooks (2015) suggests that concealment of one’s abilities, thoughts, and feelings once kept Black people alive (i.e. “you betta p’eten’ you caint read when massa come roun’ du co’nu’!”) but dissimulation no longer serves us. To the contrary, it causes us to exist in a state of continuous fantasy and lies that can lead to mental illness and emotional stress. It leaves us to
3 live disempowering lives that create within us a “lack of capacity to protect [our]selves from being daily bombarded and assaulted by disenabling imagery” (hooks, 2015, p. 26). I Got This! is these mothers’ poetic compilation (extraction of the essential meaning) of their experiences along their journey toward parental self-efficacy and a declaration of faith in their ability to successfully serve as their children’s first teacher regardless to what others say about them. I Got This! is empowering, decolonizing, and it emphatically proclaims they will no longer be bullied, devalued, demeaned, and dismissed as the dregs of society. This research study—in that it is grounded in black feminist thought/womanism as standpoint epistemologies—is as much a social justice project as it is a celebration of single Black Millennial mothers’ contribution to making America great again and again and again—past, present, and future. It is meant to deconstruct the power and knowledge relationships that produce what is currently deemed truth about these mothers and their children and challenges the processes used recklessly to get to that truth not having even considered the voices of those being studied and defined (Patterson, Kinloch, Burkhard, Randall, & Howard, 2016). Although Black women have common experiences in America, we are too complex to be seen as one homogeneous group that all think and experience life in the exact same way (Collins, 2009). I found that to be truth in this study. Each mother had her own story to tell and I will honor that story as well. Still while each mother had a couple individual themes that seemed to be the foundation or blueprint for her individual story, in some ways the mothers seemed to often share a similar story making their stories separate and individual but common and collective simultaneously. Stories of pain, and triumph, stories of struggle and success, stories of falling and getting back up even stronger, stories that are powered by the past, morphing in the present, influencing the future. In their stories I heard mine, intertwined, an intervention of the Divine, the big sister and middle sisters though different can relate, in this country we are seen as the same, issued the same hate, apportioned the same fate, one size fit all types of descriptions such as angry, emasculating, with a sexual addiction. Negative depictions encouraged by mass media, through lyrics, scripts, even in most religions we are seen as second class taking a back seat to the male, out of him not the Creator you were born, not the head but the tail. A setup from the very beginning and since your skin is brown or black you are definitely at the bottom of the barrel—they made sure to set that up—so, get to the back. Even affirmative action will advance the white woman over the black woman or man and although we call him the black king, he too
4 will be trained to see us as the last choice, be groomed to misunderstand our cry for recognition and attempt to silence our voice. Saying, “You’re too loud!” and “You’re too strong!” Forgetting those are the same characteristics that kept us from dying a wrongful death as a black nation. Harriet loud and strong helping you escape the plantation. Mary loud and strong starting a college of education. Madam CJ’s “we too are beautiful” strong and loud declaration. The strength of Coretta and Betty to stand by her man “till death do us part”, strong and loud, hand in hand. Strong and loud Sybrina and Mamie—Trayvon and Emmett’s mothers lifted their voices. Strong and loud Deborah at BET gives us viewing choices. Strong and loud OWN emerges to nourish minds and spirits. Strong and loud Alicia, Patrisse and Opal forefront the voices of queer, trans, and women in the Black liberation movement proclaiming Black Lives Matter! You hear it? Loud and strong, “I am not my hair!” India and sisters in song lift every voice to shatter the messages designed to encourage us to feel that we are not enough, we need our hair to be silkier and longer, purchase bigger hips and butts. Loud and strong Patricia, Denise, bell, Sherrill, and Alice push the envelope in the academy creating a space where the study of our lived experiences and knowledge production demands to be seen as rigorous and research worthy. Loud and strong we stood, stand, and plan to continue to speak. Loud and strong because a Black woman can’t afford to be quiet and meek. Now, five single Black millennial mothers—loud and strong—speak because as CherryB, CJ, Monica, MOAK and AnnaN proclaim, “We have to be loud and strong even when we feel like being weak!”
No Turnin’ Back
On November 27, 2017, my youngest granddaughter, a three-year old, said, “I don’t want that brown baby. She’s not pretty. I want the white baby, she’s pretty.” My sister (her favorite auntie) responded, “Why isn’t the brown baby, pretty?” to which my son, our baby’s uncle, added, “Yeah, you’re a pretty brown baby!” My granddaughter replied, “No! I’m white!” This is a heartbreaking truth we as Black communities and Black intellectuals must tackle...our babies who we nurture, affirm, kiss, squeeze, tickle, clothe, feed, bathe, love on, and constantly validate often do NOT see themselves as beautiful and worthy. Is it because we don’t feed them enough spiritual food? Is it because as we try to counter the negative images they see, we obsess over their physical appearance? Is it because we feel the need to keep them from want and make them feel valued by giving them things? Is it because we—being overtaken by consumerism—fail to
5 emphasize who they are from the inside out? Do they not hear it from us because they can “read” our own self-doubt? Is it that they hear us but don’t believe us because the master narrative is screaming too loudly—even through us—50/11 days and umpteen hours (24/7)? Will they hear it from our white allies? Do we need to have others validate our children for us? Are we that desperate? Is that an act of desperation? I don’t know, but I can’t sit idly and watch another generation experience a lack of self-love—lost in and to a loveless world. Healing the community takes work which must include love in the form of honesty and truthtelling (hooks, 1992, 2000, 2015). We have work to do. Our plates are full. Our babies are being murdered spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, and physically. Not only has this American brutality affected generations dating back to the transatlantic slave trade, it is still rearing its ugly head. Despite all our attempts at building an impenetrable wall of protection around our babies, the effects of American hatred are still present. As I look at the millennials born between 1980 and 2000, I am intrigued with the revolutionary change in the behavior patterns of many single Black Millennial mothers—a lessened desire to conform, freedom to self-define, to transform, and break away from the historical definitions of womanhood and motherhood (Black Youth Project, 2015; Nielsen, 2016; Pew Research Center, 2010, 2014). From the young women I am personally surrounded by to those like Sagashus Levingston, founder of Infamous Mothers, who are publishing their resistance work, they are done apologizing for taking or sometimes being pushed down another path to life and womanhood. They are excited to be mothers, entrepreneurs, educators, and otherwise gainfully employed while holding down their households alone. Not that they don’t want male companionship, they just refuse to wait for it in order to live purposefully as single Black millennial women and mothers (CJ, Monica, CherryB, AnnaN, and MOAK, Individual Interviews, December 2017). I want to contribute to the new narrative that is giving a platform to these Black single mothers wherein they are encouraged to support, uplift, and name themselves because contrary to popular belief, I have my own success story. Every mother has a story. It is my goal to ensure their stories are heard.
6 BFT/W: Naming Ourselves as Black Single Millennial Mothers
I see myself as a mother first because I didn’t have an identity before my son. I see myself as a mother, a protector, as an educator. --CJ, Interview, December 2017
I look at the single black woman as strong, being confident, being able to juggle and wear multiple hats. Being able to go to school and work and still pick the kids up and make dinner and do birthdays …it’s a lot but I think the single black female mother has learned to just wear those hats and wear them well and not look like she sweats one bit while she does it. (italic for emphasis) --Monica, Interview, December 2017
I mean one thing I noticed about marketing that it is a beast! If we can believe in ourselves and believe we can help the next person. I mean the world would be a better place. That’s the challenge. --CherryB, Interview, December 2017
I just know the truth, I get things done but it’s a struggle to get it done. So, when I finally get it done I make myself feel good about it. I look at myself in a higher standpoint than before. More self-esteem I guess ‘cause I’m getting where I wanna be... I’m not where I want to be yet and far from it, but I feel good about who I am because I’ve seen where I have been.
--AnnaN, Interview, December 2017
The challenge of being a single mother is not can I do this because I know I can. Because there were women on the plantation who watched their husbands get hung and still went home and handled their business. There were women on the plantation who watched their son get sold and still went home and took care of their daughter. So, it’s not a matter of if I can, it’s how can I? How am I going to do this? For me the challenge of being a single mother is I can’t fail my ancestors I can’t let every whip on their back, everyone who died on that boat, every woman that was raped, every woman that had her child cut out of her and hung, like...I can’t let that pain go in vain. (italics for emphasis) --MOAK, Interview, December 2017
7 Self-Efficacy as First Teachers of Our Children: I Got This!
I self-talk. I always say I may crack, stumble, but I’m not built to break. So, I constantly use positive affirmations daily to myself. That helps me say I got this because I know what I want and if I speak it, I can become it. --CJ, Interview, December 2017
I began to build confidence as I stuck to my guns and reached my goals. I laid it out like “Hey I want to finish school” and I finished school. Then I was like “Hey I really did that. I really finished school and my daughter came to my graduation and watched me walk across the stage. I really did that. Okay what next? I want to find a good job. Oh my God, I found a good job!” And I think along with me achieving my goals, my confidence got higher and higher. (italics for emphasis) --Monica, Interview, December 2017
What makes me think that I got this is I’m on my own with three children and I’ve been doing it for so long now I don’t have no other choice but to have it. Once you place God in your life and you have the faith and you let Him take the wheel, you know you got it, you know you’re that mom. And you know you’re that mom when your kids tell you… acknowledge you.
--CherryB, Interview, December 2017
This is my battle to fight because I’m strong enough to handle three kids. I am meant to be a mother right now and I’m doing that to my best ability. We don’t hold kids responsible for not growing [say they are the reason we're not growing]. We don’t say I can’t do what I want to do because I have three kids. I got to make these moves for the kids. I got to make sure the kids are good. So, I can do this! --AnnaN, Interview, December 2017
Everything I’ve been taught directly and indirectly... I can’t fail, my mom didn’t fail, how can I fail, you know? Coretta didn’t fail…Betty didn’t fail, I cannot fail… Trayvon’s mom, she’s still moving. Then I look at people like my cousin who lost her mom a month after I lost mine and my heart aches for people who had phenomenal moms and lost them. When you lose that it’s like 8 ‘what the hell just happened to my life’. But you have to remember what you watched them walk out of. Then, you have to remember the stories they told you about life before you even existed and how they made it to where they were to tell you that story. I use all of that to push me forward. So, when I want to jump off the bridge, I think ‘your mom didn’t go out like that and she dealt with more than you’. Yeah, but that’s what lets me know I got it…this ain’t my first time…it may be my first time physically at this rodeo, but my spirit runs deep. It’s like a river and when I feel I’m at the lowest of the low, it’s like I hit that part of the waterfall and they drench me with strength... they drench me with hope. --MOAK, Interview, December 2017
Single Black millennial mothers, these five women share that title as well as similar views on and experiences with the phenomenon itself. Simultaneously, they have some individual and very distinct experiences related to the same phenomenon. What they definitely agree upon is the right to self-define and the right to resist the images others so eagerly perpetuate about them and their experience. The images and narratives created about these women are one-sided, and in need of balance. This project is not professing that all Black single mothers are completely praiseworthy (Collins, 2009)—who is? Still, we are absolutely certain that we do not deserve to be demonized either—as we have been historically. It has been said that history is told by the winners. Well, HisStory is being challenged and rewritten from our own perspective—we are writing our HerStory and declaring ourselves the winners in our world. We win because we have and will continue to survive, strive, and thrive in a country that hates and wishes to destroy us and our offspring. Still, in the words of Mother Maya Angelou, “We rise”! In a society that is monolithic in its definition of intact healthy families, the world of a single parent can be filled with struggle, shaming, and blaming (Collins, 2009). It is no secret that mothering while Black and single in America compounds the struggle as there is a stigma attached to anything that looks different from the standard and many assumptions that go along with not matching up to the ideal (Lorde, 2009; Moynihan, 1965). As far as a black single female I think historically the image has been that if you’re a black single female you’re likely not educated, likely had those babies when you were in high school, you may or may not be living off of the system, your kids probably don’t know their father, you may or may not know who your father is, a lot of times they’re
9 like, ‘Oh, this African American female may have been promiscuous and she does not even know who her child’s father is and she has this kid or these kids and doesn’t know what to do with them because she doesn’t have an education, she doesn’t have a job. She lives on welfare.’ So, I think that’s the image others have on a single Black female is negative. --Monica, Interview, December 2017 Yet, as single Black mothers we persevere in spite of the vast array of negative images perpetuated against us because of the “subjugated” (Collins, 2009, p.11) and “oppositional knowledge” (p. 13) created by and shared with us. I watched and learned from women who watched and learned from women--each demonstrating a sense of I got this! and raising the bar for a higher sense of self-efficacy for the next generation in one way or another. This is what allows us to keep our heads above the waters that threaten to pull us under in a sea of “internalized oppression” (p. 14) troubled by accepted notions of our worthlessness. It is what Katie Cannon (2003) describes as unctuousness or “the modes of behavior and courses of action that are passed from generation to generation by the most oppressed segments of the Black population” (p. 91)--what Sabrina Ross (2016) calls “Womanist survival” (p. 144). It is Black Feminist Thought/Womanism (BFT/W)—that which paves the way for us to participate in personal healing, empowerment, and transformative work that becomes the same task for society as a whole—“one part of a much larger social justice project” (Collins, 2009, p. 23).
Bandura’s (1986, 1994) construct of self-efficacy, is simply defined as the belief that one can do what is needed to get the desired results. He reports that the benefits to an efficacious belief are numerous because life is full of troubles, setbacks, unfairness, etcetera, and that for those who attempt to achieve, perform, and create beyond the norm they must be prepared to persevere through rejection - as it is the rule rather than the exception. It would seem Bandura wrote this description of life specifically for Black women as we are all too familiar with that rule.
Purpose of the Study
Widespread efforts to continue devaluation of black womanhood make it extremely difficult and oftentimes impossible for the black female to develop a positive self- concept. For we are daily bombarded by negative images. Indeed, one strong oppressive force has been this negative stereotype and our acceptance of it as a viable role model 10 upon which we can pattern our lives. [But], we have changed. In the last thirty years black women have collectively challenged both the racism and sexism that not only shape how we are seen but determine how everyone interacts with us. We have resisted continued devaluation by countering the dominant stereotypes about us that prevail in white-supremacist capitalist patriarchy by decolonizing our minds. --bell hooks, Sisters of the Yam, 2015 (p. ix)
My dissertation explores how five Black single millennial mothers describe their journey to self-efficacy as first teachers of their children. It is about how they wade through a shitload of negative images, attempts at mind-control, negative “self-fulfilling prophecy” type dominant narratives, to get to a I Got This! self-efficacy belief in their ability to survive in the sea of negativity, strive to rise above the billows, and thrive in the role of first teachers of their children. Because of this research and as a mother/sister--and self-proclaimed and honorary millennial—in this community of women, I was inspired to connect these women together and invited them to engage in personal and collective conversations hoping to get and provide them with an opportunity to get a glimpse at their phenomenal selves as first teachers of their children and their ever-evolving journey toward this ever-evolving space of self-efficaciousness in their role. The purpose of this project is emancipatory, uplifting/elevating, and transformational in nature—transcending beyond the domain of qualitative science and landing within the qualitative inquiry domain (Shank, 2006). It is designed to provide these often silenced intellectuals an opportunity to share their narratives and knowledge—from their various points of view—and see those stories as valuable right alongside the works of other scholars (Collins, 2009). It is about making the conversation more complex, less singular, and one-sided (Shank, 2006). It is about acknowledging the lived experiences of these women as knowledge producing (Collins, 2009).
Okri (1997) suggests that, “If we change the stories we live by, quite possibly we change our lives” (p.22). Becoming aware of, understanding the origin of, and finally altering the stories I had been told, I couldn’t forget, I told myself—i.e. those stories of worthlessness, being worth less, second class status—is what began the life changes that have completely altered the course of my life and allowed me to find my purpose and new passion. It was the distractions, the harried lifestyle, and the haunting memories and stories I accepted as truth that kept me broken, disturbed, and in a state of dis-ease. Changing those narratives, is what brought me to a place of
11 even desiring peace, feeling worthy, and understanding how I lived in a place of recurring panic, trauma, and stress for fifty years. Originally, my goal was to simply have the mothers tell their stories in hopes that doing so would affect their lives the way it had mine—it would bring them to a place of finally realizing their purpose and worth. Scholars (Higgs, 2001; Weis and Fine, 2004) contend that critical research can be designed to first reveal then encourage critical reflection and dialogue on assumptions or oppressive "truths" groups may be accepting from the dominant culture that are so deeply embedded they are no longer evident. This is what I aimed to do with my work. I was going to expose the hidden “truths” so these mothers would feel worthy. Then I decided I was making an assumption. I was assuming they felt the way I did. That all Black women felt as I had and if they didn’t, then they just weren’t aware because I thought “what Black woman doesn’t know America hates us and sees us as the lesser of all humans?” I realized that what they felt, understood, or wanted was not for me to decide. I just needed to invite them to engage with the questions—invite them into the garden—and let the sowing and reaping happen organically. These women were inspired to take part in this project and when I—in a moment of exhaustion—tried to limit the experience to an opportunity to share their stories, they pushed me to take it further and create for them, a space where they could actively give and receive support as they journeyed toward continued development into self-efficacious first teachers of their children. After the initial individual interviews and during our group video chat, these five mothers shared how the questions caused them to “think more deeply about how others perceive them” (Monica, 2018), examine their behavior more closely (AnnaN, 2018), and gave them the courage to make drastic changes in their lives that honored them and their child (CJ, 2018). Scholars (Delgado, 1989; Ladson-Billings, 2000) advocate for counter stories suggesting storytelling can benefit the oppressed (providing healing, promoting solidarity, and activism) and the oppressor (helping them see a different reality and challenging their assumptions). By sharing the lived experiences of these single Black millennial mothers through their eyes, I hope to illuminate the wonderful contribution they make as first teachers and challenge those who seem to take their knowledge for granted or deny its existence altogether.
12 Research Questions My original goal was to share how these mothers describe their journey to self-efficacy as first teachers of their children. I specifically intended to explore the following questions: • How do single Black millennial mothers (single Black millennial mothers) describe the contributions to and challenges of developing a sense of 'I Got This' or self-efficacy as parents? • How do the narratives told by single Black millennial mothers chronicle their journey to 'I Got This' or self-efficacy belief as their children's first teachers? • What do the stories of single Black millennial mothers reveal about their shared experiences in developing an 'I Got This' self-efficacy belief in themselves as parent/first teachers? However, after each of the individual interviews, the participants’ questions and discussion about what was next and how this study could start a movement that could translate into action toward social justice for Black single millennial mothers in general and the Black family more specifically, I was challenged to allow the project to evolve further. Therefore, I began considering (and asked them during our focus group video chat session) the following questions: • How had the participants’ engagement with the questions affected them in the days following the interview? • What did this mean to them as it relates to the purpose of the research? • How could this new purpose usher in and support positive transformation of families and society?
Situating this Study within the Current Education Discourses Many education discourses and research studies operate out of a deficit model or what is lacking when it reports on families of Black single mothers (Barrett & Turner, 2005; Brody, Murry, Kim, & Brown, 2002; Gonzalez, Jones, Kincaid, & Cuellar, 2012; Kogan & Brody, 2010; Mandara & Murray, 2000; Moynihan, 1965). Such research has suggested that a wide range of adversities—i.e. teen pregnancy, drug addiction, gang affiliation, poor academic performance— plague those children parented by women who are Black and single. These studies often perpetuate images of Black single head of household as lazy, sexually promiscuous, 13 unintelligent, and angry women who depend on government handouts to support their illegitimate, unruly children. Such studies become the foundation for parenting programs designed to fix these broken families that are deemed incapable of self-actualization (Gilens, 2000; Reese, 2005). Ultimately, these studies are used to continue the oppressive practices that have become embedded into the systems of American society (Boylorn, 2008; Collins, 2009; Gilens, 2000; Lorde, 2009). Black feminist literature suggests there is a counterstory that must be told about these women and mothers and that it must be told by those who live that story (Baszile, 2016; Collins, 2009; Edwards, 2016; hooks, 2015; Lorde, 1984; Matias, 2016; Walker, 1983). Black feminist and womanist discourses as standpoint epistemologies deconstruct and disrupt the distorted realities that maintain the current power structures and status quo. Qualitative studies—that rely on the participants’ personal stories for data and allow for an intimate understanding and knowledge of the human experience through the eyes of those who live that which is being studied—are often employed as a means to deconstruct and disrupt the dominant narrative (Massey, 2015; Nankin, 2015; Shank, 2006).
Multiple Roles of the Researcher
BEing as Models of Bondage and Liberation I have been an open book to the women who participate in this research project. They have been privy to my life and all its ups and downs, ins and outs—some more than others. We had several conversations one-on-one and in groups (before our first group video chat) that contained two to three members of this group at once. All of them have witnessed my emancipation from relationships and situations (some housed in my memory and given life through my inability to part with them) that once held me hostage to a life of second-class citizenship. They watched me struggle to free myself from chains and limits placed on my heart, mind, and soul by those who and that which (religion, marriage, profession) would stifle my independence and creativity. They have witnessed my emotional, intellectual, and spiritual growth up close and personal. I have been witness to the same in their life journeys. Except for two, Monica and CherryB, I have been very intimately involved in their lives—right there through births of their children, death of relatives, and everything in between.
14 We have watched one another move out of our place...moving ourselves from manipulatable objects to self-empowered subjects, [and] have by necessity threatened the status quo. All the various groups—white men, white women, black men, etc.—that have imagined that black women exist to be the “mules of the world,” providing service to others, have had to cope with our collective refusal to occupy this position (bell hooks, 2015, p.x).
My Intimate Approach to Research How I came to be interested in telling the stories of these mother/sisters cannot be separated from the life experiences we shared over the course of eight to thirty-some years of relationship. We have shared many roles from spiritual partner (supporting one another’s spiritual evolution), to teacher, student, friend, sister, mother, nurturer, and “othermother” (Collins, 2009, p.13). No one’s role has ever been constant as even in infancy and childhood we have shared roles. I know there were times as a child when I had to lead, teach, and nurture the adults in my world and as MOAK, once suggested, “I have been teaching all my life. I taught my mother how to mother me as a child...showed her what I needed.” (Personal conversation, April 2015). So, I was totally unaware (and it was definitely unintentional) that I was—in my relations with these beautiful, powerful souls--“...learn[ing] and practic[ing] fieldwork skills in preparation for this research (Shank, 2006, p. 58). My authentic and in some cases intimate relationships with these women over the course of eight to thirty years gave me exactly what I needed to effectively carry out this research for which I am so passionate and to which I am so dedicated and called. Of course, I do not believe this was the sole reason our lives became intertwined, but I am certain this is one of many reasons. As a result of our connected destinies I was able to obtain that which made this work possible: entry, rapport, the informants, and fieldnotes (Shank, 2006). Entry is simply about being afforded access to the lives, experiences, and thoughts of these mothers. Rapport is about gaining acceptance upon entry into the group of informants—those whose expressions becomes the research data. The fieldnotes are records of the experiences with the informants and take on myriad forms captured in myriad ways.
15 Reflexivity: My Personal Story of Transformation Finding My Place as a Single Mother I feel I must begin by stating the fact that this work was at first for me, for my healing, for my scholarly development, and for the purpose of rediscovering Robin Dennise. Because just as bell hooks (1994) speaks about pain and desperation that brought her to theory, I came to this work exhausted from years of struggles with racism, sexism, classism at home, work, and life in general. Struggles which had effectively taught me to forget how to love myself, know myself as a BEing (ever evolving soul) and an intellectual, and experience myself as co-creator of a purposeful existence that was mine. I felt broken, confused, lost, and was searching to be repaired, enlightened, found...always knowing it was possible because my foremothers, sisters, daughters, ancestors told me so...showed me so... but the PTSD of what seemed like never- ending battles had taken its toll. Then, I began preparing to enter into this research project—I had no idea the journey I was about to witness first-hand. I struggled to get here but this research process has been such an important part of my healing and remembering (Dillard, 2012; Morrison, 1984) for as I read, I saw my life, my struggles, my story, my salvation, my rest, my peace …for my soul, my heart, my mind, and my body. My joy has been renewed, my peace uncovered, and my sense of self-efficaciousness as an intellectual has been reborn. A love for, awareness, acceptance and appreciation of my Self—oneness with Spirit—has been restored….I have been engaged in some of the most compelling exchanges as I was visited by ancestral guides and angelic beings while I slept, conversed, imagined, reflected. I have read the works of so many brilliant women... “It was like finding an ocean after walking for years in a desert” (Baszile, Edwards & Guillory, 2016, p.148) and this journey to self-actualization began with a few “cheap little notebook[s], the kind that didn’t look worthy of holding what must have been an absolute rash of important thoughts” (Baszile, 2016, p. 15). Yes, a few notebooks, stacks of life saving and soul stirring canonical works by Black Feminist/Womanist scholars, and the everyday lived experiences—love in action—shared with me by a community of eternal mother- sister intellectuals “from all walks of life” (Collins, 2009, p. 40) is what allowed me to reflect on my life, see the value in the struggles—processes of knowledge production—reimagine my world, reimage my operating system, and begin “writing [the voices inside me—the revolution— the work] into existence” (Baszile, 2016, p.15).
16 The Intentional Mother Becomes Irritated As a child, I had always wondered why all the women in my family were single. However, looking back over five generations of single mothers (at one time or another) in my intimate circle, I realize that in most situations, the women were married, had children, and became single mothers after divorcing men who were oppressive to them in a society that allowed such oppression. My mother grew up in the segregated northern city of Dayton, Ohio and was the first- born to a seventeen-year-old mother, my Granny. Because Granny was deemed too immature to raise a child at seventeen, Momma was raised by her great-grandmother who we all called Grandma. As a young girl, Grandma suffered incestuous rape by her own father and two of those encounters left her pregnant with and giving birth to two of her offspring/siblings. Granny’s mom (Grandma’s daughter/sister) died young, so when Granny became pregnant, her grandmother, Grandma, took Momma and raised her. By the time I was five, Granny too was a single mother raising her two youngest children alone and my mother’s sister (born eleven months after Momma) was divorced, single and raising her son alone as well. I watched and learned from women who watched and learned from women—each generation raising the bar of parental self-efficacy even higher for the next generation in various ways. The original Ride or Die Chicks, these women protected the girls and women in the family when the men wouldn’t! With each generation, they demanded that we achieve more and were there to support family in that process. They taught survival skills (i.e. we don’t go down without a fight, God helps those who help themselves, cooking, sewing, gardening, working for a living), coping skills (religion, music, dancing, and laughter for the most part), the value of quality time (i.e. played games with the kids, provided fun learning experiences, extended summer visits), showing interest in education (i.e. presence at school events, helping with fundraising, held us accountable for grades and participation), the value of passing on history and traditions (i.e. shared stories, recipes, crafts), and they did it all while living through the most tragic, hurtful, demeaning circumstances one could imagine (i.e. working as domestics and in school kitchens under the direction of privileged white women, domestic violence at home, incestuous rape, unfaithful husbands). Just knowing what they went through provided a breeding ground for a strong self-efficacy belief as a woman and as a parent—even if we were to end up
17 single parents. As a result of watching the domestic abuse in our home (wishing our parents would just divorce and let us live in peace) and observing single women on our maternal side of the family raise children single-handedly, my sister and I always pretended we were divorced when “playing house” growing up. Not surprisingly, we both became single parents at some point in our adult lives. For her, it was as a result of divorce and for me it was first due to being an unwed mother, then by divorce but for both of us, it was a choice we made. In my personal experience and during my senior year in college, I felt as if some people wanted to attach a Scarlet Letter of sorts to my forehead when I presented in the community or in social circles (including church) with a protruding womb and empty ring finger—on the left hand, of course. Just how did the preacher’s daughter end up unwed and single? After having dissolved the relationship with my abusive boyfriend, I found out I was pregnant with his child and though he thought this would reunite us, I decided to raise my first child as a single parent. It wasn’t popular, highly accepted, or glamorous at the time and I do not remember any other girls on campus being pregnant. Yet, I graduated from the University of Cincinnati on June 15, 1986 with a Bachelor of Science in Education. I walked across the stage to receive my diploma with my head held high, honors cords swinging, baby bump protruding, and my heart pounding. This was doable. I would be fine. I had seen it done many times before. Before getting pregnant, I had been teaching Bible study classes on Sundays in our Youth Church. After revealing this to the ministry leader, I was prompted to share this information with the church pastor. Upon doing so, he suggested that if I wanted to continue teaching the youth, I would need to stand before the congregation and ask the members of the church for their forgiveness. My head must have spun around at least one complete turn before I told him that I would absolutely not be doing that unless he was planning on hosting Confession Sunday and all the members (him included) were going to be asking for forgiveness for their sins as well. Needless to say, without a confession or plea for forgiveness, I kept teaching. Before my daughter turned two years old, I joyfully ditched my childhood aspiration toward single motherhood and married the man who would father my two sons only to find myself reunited with my single parent status eight years later and with two more children. It appeared that I had brought more than one child to this union. Not only had I brought my daughter, I’d also brought little Robin—the girl who suffered residual pain and fears from childhood—and mountains of mistrust. All that mixed with his stuff (manifesting as male
18 dominance) produced more dis-ease and it just wasn’t a success story. Yet, no matter how challenging marriage was for me, nothing ever shook my sense of self-efficacy as a mother before this point. I had done my work in that area and I was good. But all that was about to change when I became a single Black mother of three beautiful Black babies. As a single Black mother with at first one—then later three babies in tow, it was as if I had to constantly prove to the world (from the church to the schoolhouse and all other arenas) that I could and would succeed at parenting specifically and at life in general. At times, it was difficult to just shut down the voices in my own head that kept repeating all the lines I had heard in church. Voices which said I was out of compliance with God’s will, was struggling financially because of it, and my children were making mistakes because I had attempted to live outside God’s plan of marriage then a family (in that order). On the education front, I had to block out the media reports and studies that said my boys were more likely to end up in jail or dead than in successful careers, my daughter would fall prey to men in search of a father figure, and my children would not achieve to the same level of children who came from two parent homes, etc. I had to push past the negative comments or looks from other Christians, friends, family members, and strangers in the grocery store that seemed to shake my once rock-solid sense of parental self-efficacy to the core. You let them wear that, go there, listen to that type music, go to public school? I was constantly wondering whether I should let them see me in relationship to a man who wasn’t their father or pretend I was asexual. As I was beginning my exodus from organized religion, I questioned whether or not it was a mistake to go against family tradition and not raise them up in church—a choice that could surely have me bound for hell with gasoline drawers on! I wondered if exposing them to other forms of spiritual worship would prove detrimental (as I was warned it would), whether I should let them see me in my authenticity (i.e. crying in sadness, worrying about finances, losing sleep due to studying), pressure them about college, watch their every move, require them to help out around the house (“robbing them of a carefree childhood”), etc. It was almost debilitating at times. Somewhere along the journey, I decided that as the parent of my children, it was only me I needed to satisfy. I just needed to know that everything I chose for us and for them was with the intent to bring about all the good I could. As I stated earlier, Bandura (1994) says self-efficacy beliefs develop over a period of the lifespan and that at any given time and in many different situations, people vary in how efficaciously they manage their lives. Well, I could
19 probably serve as the poster child for fluctuating self-efficacy beliefs as a Black woman, first teacher of my children, and single mother–-each of them individually and collectively–-but due to some positive experiences, social models, and encouragement which Bandura respectively calls mastery experiences, vicarious experiences, and social persuasion, I have been able to develop a strong self-efficacy belief in these individual and collective roles. As may have become evident at this point, this research topic developed from many embodied and recounted stories—my ancestors’ and mine—and over many years. This study morphed many times as my career path played in the revolving door of education going from teacher to administrator and back to teacher again. What remained constant regardless to my professional job title was my most cherished title mother. I had walked into the roles of unwed- mother-to-be and teacher in 1985 almost simultaneously as I graduated pregnant from the University of Cincinnati with a bachelor’s degree in Early Childhood Education. I understood early on that both roles were intertwined and even synonymous as a result of having learned many types of lessons from those who had parented me. I studied diligently in order to do my best at both roles and was very intentional in my parenting and teaching—from the books and magazines I read, to the television and radio shows I tuned into. Of course, I wasn’t a perfect parent, but I was purposeful and a high striver. Over the course of my teaching career, I met several single Black mothers and while some seemed confident in their role of both teacher and mother, others seemed unaware of their powerful position. I often wondered what made the difference and what my role was to be in the lives of these mothers. After all, I too was a member of the single Black mother club because just as my professional career played in the revolving door of education, my motherhood title swung on the pendulum of my marital status - single, married, single, married, and single again. As an intentional parent, I became resentful of the images used to depict Black single mothers specifically and Black women in general.
The Fury Becomes Fire: Fanning the Flames of Research
Don’t just talk about it, Be about it is another way of saying “Be the change you want to see.” In 2010, as I slept one morning, I dreamed of starting a family learning center. I saw the establishment in such detail that I was able to sketch its facilities when I awakened. In this dream, I even saw the name of the center, A Family Affair, on a Plaza sign in a strip mall. I went to my sons when I woke up to tell them about the dream and my oldest son grabbed his laptop 20 and played a track he had created using a reggae version of Sly & The Family Stone’s “Family Affair”. He said he had no idea why he created the track, but we knew it fit this vision and I was ecstatic because I saw it as a spiritual nudge. I was being lead to a new purpose. After telling family and friends about my revelation and in my busyness of life, I put the sketch and dream in a safe place and continued on my journey.
Three years prior to “the dream”, and just as I had begun my doctoral studies, my best friend’s daughter became a single mother and first teacher of her child. We watched her navigate those two roles, seeming to run from one side of Confidence Boulevard to the other at any given moment. Her mom was often frustrated and felt the need to intervene to “smooth things out” and “teach her how she was supposed to mother” sometimes at her daughter’s request but mostly of her own volition. I remember the major turmoil beginning the first time she heard, “Ma, I got this!” from her daughter—she just about flipped out! She was irate and asking, “What does she mean? If she’s got this, why is she always asking me for support?!” For years, I served as a sounding board for my friend, but that seed was planted - those four words would reemerge years later. In 2015, (divorced again and in the thick of my spiritual transformation) I hosted a Vision Board Party for some girlfriends. When the party ended and everyone else presented their vision boards, I had two items on mine—the word “balance” in the center and the sketch of “A Family Affair” in the top right corner—and a pile of cut outs that were to later be affixed to this board. For the next couple of weeks, I worked on that vision board as I was led by Spirit and hung the completed piece in my bedroom. It has been my reminder and skeletal outline for my life’s course since that day even when I hadn’t realized it. As I continued to focus on my healing journey (re-membering mySelf and my oneness with Source), I was intentionally engaged in meditation, mindfulness, and Self-development and (often unknowingly) working through each quadrant of my vision board. Finally, I decided to get back to my doctoral studies (quadrant three) and began searching my life for a topic. I knew I was destined to serve families because family had been the largest source of pain and joy for me—it had been what fascinated me the most, what mattered most to me—and even as a teacher, I always knew that supporting children in school was like putting a “band-aid” on a gaping wound. I knew the real work began when we addressed the needs of families. I was a living witness that school and education could not heal the deep wounds Black
21 families in America had sustained. During a brainstorming session with Spirit, the phenomenon of single motherhood struck me as what most influenced my journey to BEing Robin Dennise. I thought of all the women and single mothers in my family and in my circle—past and present (including me from time to time)—and that narrowed it down some. Now, I had a topic idea, some newfound peace, freedom from distraction, and purpose. My friend on the other hand, had another sweet granddaughter. This time—with the third grandbaby—she decided she was not going to give advice. She said she wanted that peace I was exuding and was done trying to “fix people” or make them who she wanted them to be. So, my girlfriend decided she needed to bless her daughter with space to live her life without judgement and interference. Like me, she wanted to live her own life and said she would mind her business unless she was invited in. That is exactly what happened—her daughter invited her in during a tough time and she asked me to give her some ideas on how to facilitate the family meeting. That’s when I understood what my role was in the lives of single Black mothers...twenty-five years later, I understood that I was to be someone they could talk to, someone who could ask clarifying questions, someone who could see that they wanted to be trusted to “have it” but would still be there to offer support without judgement when it was requested. This young mother and most of my daughter’s friends, already referred to me as Ma, Auntie Robin, or Miss Robin and our sister/mother circle just continued to grow stronger. We were seeing each other at cookouts, birthday parties, holiday celebrations, at the hair salon, and began to openly discuss many topics. When I was finally ready to begin the dissertation portion of my doctoral studies, I knew I wanted to write about mothers and their children, but I wasn’t quite sure what exactly to focus on. One day during my meditation time, I heard I Got This! and I knew that was the topic - the single millennial mother’s journey to self-efficacy as first teachers would be my focus. Dissertation Overview
This dissertation begins by providing context for how this research project came to be, and places myself and my story within the framework of its construction. Chapter 2 lays out the foundation of this study with a review of the relevant scholarly literature. Chapter 2 situates my study within current educational discourses by reviewing the literature that led to the development of my research questions. Specifically, the chapter begins by reviewing the research on single Black mothers and their children. It then goes on to explore the ways in which single
22 mothers are being presented and disrespected uncovering a critical gap in research about the positive images and self-efficacy of these mothers. Finally, this section explores the notion of single Black mothers as self-efficacious first teachers of their children, looks at Critical Race Parenting as a means to preparing their children for life in America, and provides a brief overview of some characteristics of millennials and mothers. Chapter 3 offers an explanation of the methodology employed in the research. Chapter 3 explains and justifies my methodological approach—a narrative inquiry informed by Black feminist thought/womanism—and the methods I used to conduct this study. Chapter 4 uses the themes that surfaced from data analysis to share the stories of five single Black millennial mothers and their journey to developing self-efficacy as first teachers of their children. Chapter 4 tells the narratives of these mothers which expose the individual and collective challenges, triumphs, intentions, and visions they share for their future and their children’s future. It tells how they are determined to see themselves as women who make choices for their lives instead of seeing themselves as victims of someone else’s chosen destiny for them. It tells of how they refuse to allow others to define, limit, and devalue them or deter them from being the greatness they decide to be. It is their attempt to demonstrate to themselves that they are awake, aware, and alert and must remind themselves to remain so in order to help create a more compassionate, effective, and socially just world for single parents and their families. It paints a picture of how these five mothers’ engagement in critical questioning enhanced their knowledge of themselves and moved them to intentional action that gave them more power over their lives and their self-development. Chapter 5 comprises the individual narratives as told by the five single Black millennial mothers describing their journey to 'I Got This' or self-efficacy belief as their children's first teacher. Chapter 5 describes their experiences with and definitions of education, what they feel compelled to teach their children and why, and what has led to their belief in their ability to successfully parent their children—what allows them to say, “I got this!” It is an opportunity for these modern-day pioneers—at the end of the Information Age and opening of the Experience Age—to be witnessed (seen, heard, and known) as the intellectuals they are in this moment without comment, analysis, or reference outside of those they provide. It is their occasion to simply BE (exist) in, as well as be appreciated and respected for this—their contribution to the academy.
23 Chapter 6 explores opportunities to further this research on Single Black millennial mothers and the relationships others have with them. To do so, could prove beneficial to school personnel, community service agencies, other women, men, and the world at large. Choosing to acknowledge difference as a benefit would further our social emotional development as a people, create a more socially just way of existing together, and serve as a means to bring love, compassion, healing, and transformation to the world. These six chapters weave our individual and collective narratives together in a way that reveals the importance of securing, uplifting, and naming ourselves first so that from a place of healing and self-love, we are prepared to transform ourselves, our families, and our communities (hooks, 2000).
24 Chapter 2: Literature Review
Introduction
Black women have been economically used and abused by capitalism in specific ways that have set them up for a clearly defined set of struggles (Beal, 2008). One of those struggles continues to be the fight for the right to name ourselves (Collins, 2009; Lorde, 1984; Walker, 1983). Scholars ( Beal, 2008; Collins, 2009; Gilliam, 1999; hooks, 2000;) often speak of a negative “narrative (or storytelling) script” (Gilliam, p. 3) which has definitely been determined, widely disseminated, and generally accepted as common knowledge as it relates to single Black mothers. For many years, the media in America has constructed an image of Black women and single Black mothers that has been anything but positive and nearly impossible to dismantle (Boylorn, 2008; Dovidio, Evans, & Tyler, 1986; Gilens, 1996; Glasser & Salmon, 1995; Kinder & Sanders, 1996). Entman (1995) suggests framing is “selecting and highlighting some elements of reality and suppressing others, in a way that constructs a story about a social problem, its causes, its moral nature and its possible remedies” (p. 142). Gilliam (1999) states social psychologists came up with the idea of scripts to signify "a coherent sequence of events expected by the individual, involving him either as a participant or as an observer” (p. 2). He suggests scripts are useful for simplifying information in order to promote a quicker understanding and predictability of roles and actions as indicators of what will likely happen next. Quite literally, Black women and mothers have been “framed” and handed a “script” for the role we are expected to accept as the main contributors to the ills of society and the Black family (Collins, 2009; Davis, 1981; Lorde, 1984). I believe—and am certain I am not alone in my belief—the story that has been written to frame single Black mothers (SBM) is in need of reframing. Thankfully and more recently, scholars are making it their business to deconstruct these stereotypical portrayals created by U.S. mainstream media being controlled by “a few powerful corporations” (Bullock, Fraser Wyche & Williams, 2001 p.230) and others are diligently presenting counter narratives that tell of the success, resiliency, self-efficaciousness, and self- determination of single Black mothers and their children (Brodsky & DeVet, 2000; Bullock, et. al.; McBride-Murry et al., 2001). Segashus Levingston, scholar and founder of Infamous
25 Mothers (IMs), and the mothers who have joined her band of self-proclaimed “outlaws” are even embracing their infamous status as women who have lived what society may call a disdainful lifestyle—having multiple children by more than one father, experienced drug addicted, stripped, and some label themselves as welfare queens. Several of these IMs report that while they are respectable, the circumstances under which they became mothers are not (i.e. incest, rape) and they are “...Just done apologizing. We’re done whitewashing or downplaying our experiences. And we’re done buying into your idea of a happy ending. We have our own.” (Infamous Mothers, Who Are We tab). They report that they are mothers too and will self-define, change, and celebrate the various ways women mother. The fact that more than one story about the SBM exists and that we are narrating some of those stories ourselves is what excites this researcher because we are “impressionable and vulnerable [when] we are in the face of a story” (Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, 2009 transcripts from TED Talk). As Black women we cannot trust others to protect our honor, therefore, self- definition is our responsibility primarily being that we are the ones who live our experiences (Collins, 2009). Moreover, since we all understand our world through the “pictures in our heads” (Gilliam, 1999), it is imperative that we construct images that depict us from our various perspectives, in all our diversity, and in our own words (Anzaldua, 2015; Baszile, 2016; Collins, 2009; hooks, 2000, 2015; Lorde, 1984). Since scholarly research on the phenomenon of single Black mothers is expanding, it was not difficult to locate. However, the aim of this research is to usher into the conversation the voice of single Black millennial mothers—another group of “Black women intellectuals from all walks of life” (Collins, 2009, p 40) who are empowered to speak from their points of reference and individual experiences. This chapter builds a foundation for understanding how these single Black Millennial mothers develop a sense of I got this! or self-efficacy belief in their ability to act as first teachers to their children. Here, I will explore the dominant narratives on single Black mothering (SBM), counter-narratives on SBM, as well as, the concepts of the self and critical race parenting. I then discuss the concepts of self-efficacy, mothers as teachers, and the particular social identities of Millennial mothers. This review of the current literature will reveal the absence of research related to the single Black millennial mother—a gap this project will begin to narrow.
26 They Say: Dominant Depictions of Black Women/Mothers “...Consider the source. Know who’s playing the music before you dance” ~Nikki Giovanni~
According a report by the United States Census titled “America’s Families and Living Arrangements: 2102”, Black children (55%) were more likely to live with one parent than Hispanic children (31%), non-Hispanic White children (21%), and Asian children (13%). The report further states that Black family groups with children under 18 years of age (29%) are the highest of the family groups composed of only mother and child(dren) followed by Hispanic families (18%), White families (8.0%) and Asian families (5.7%). There are those who interpret these statistical reports in ways that lead them to place blame, to shame, and mistreat single Black mothers who head these households (Barrett & Turner, 2005; Brody et al., 2002; Gonzalez et al., 2012; Kogan & Brody, 2010; Mandara & Murray, 2000; Moynihan, 1965). Historically and traditionally, Black mothers have been accused of many atrocities including destroying their own families by emasculating the men and boys with domineering matriarchal ways, choosing to educate their daughters over their sons, and taking the role of provider from their men (Beal, 2008; Collins, 2009; Lorde, 2009; Moynihan, 1965). Research on the topic of single Black mothers (SBM) has often spoken unfavorably about these women and the futures of their children suggesting that being born a Black child in a household headed by a single mother leads to innumerable deficits and a dismal future including teen pregnancy, drug abuse, low self-esteem, low education levels, crime, and other plagues (Barrett & Turner, 2005; Brody et al., 2002; Gonzalez et al., 2012; Kogan & Brody, 2010; Mandara & Murray, 2000; Moynihan, 1965). Not only have SBM been accused of wrecking their homes and sending their “maladjusted” children out into the world, they themselves are often depicted as menaces to society—the poster child, archetype, embodiment of many of society’s problems which is to say the very identity of these women became synonymous with and emblematic of poverty and all the ills associated with it ( Gilens, 1996; Gilens, 2000; Gilliam, 1999). It was during the 1960’s civil rights movement and push for economic equality that the slanderous attacks against Black mothers began as the media tirelessly projected images of Black mothers as “lazy” and
27 “undeserving” beneficiaries of government assistance programs designed to provide financial support to families in need (Gilens, 2000; Reese, 2005). Multiple studies clearly demonstrate that on average, white Americans associate welfare, welfare fraud, and negative stereotypes regarding poverty with Blackness. White participants in these studies believed the Black mothers were sexually promiscuous, undisciplined abusers of the system who were likely to have more babies and less likely to get a job because they were not trying hard enough (Gilens, 2000; Gilliam, 1999). Additionally, during the late 1970s and early 1980s as Ronald Reagan campaigned for President of the United States and during his welfare reform efforts as President, he referred to these women as “welfare queens” (John Blake, 2012). The term continuously stigmatized Black single mothers even though the majority of welfare fraud offenders were men (Douglas & Michaels, 2005) and the majority of welfare recipients were white women (Gilliam, 1999). Patricia Hill Collins (2000) speaks to these socially constructed images historically bestowed upon women that were designed to oppress us. She reports that while for White women this image consisted of the virtuous woman who possessed “piety, purity, submissiveness, and domesticity” (p. 79) the controlling images and narratives pushed forward by the media and social institutions for Black women included the “mammy, matriarch welfare mother, Black lady, jezebel, and hoochie mama” (p. 79-82). Since her work in 1990 was published, other scholars have continued the discussion on how media images of Black women (i.e. baby mommas, angry Black woman) continue this legacy of negativity (Boylorn, 2008; Gilens, 2000). The dehumanizing and “controlling images” (Collins, 2009, p. 77) used to negatively portray Black women are designed to make it normal and reasonable for society to treat us unjustly (Collins, 2009). For many years and through many forms of media, America has depicted us as physically unattractive, angry, overbearing, unintelligent, but strong beasts of burden with spiritual backbone whose purpose is to do the work that makes everyone else’s life easier to live (Collins, 2009; Gilens, 2000; Gilliam, 1999; hooks, 2000, 2015; Lorde, 2009; Scott, 2016; Walker, 1983). While Alice Walker’s (1984) definition of a Womanist includes the descriptors of one who “Loves music. Loves to dance…” (p. xii), years before the birth of Walker’s Mother’s Gardens, Nikki Giovanni (1971) cautioned us metaphorically to be mindful of who composes the music to which we dance. So, in the face of the devastatingly damaging depictions of Black women—this “distortion of vision” (Lorde, 1984, p.42)—generated and
28 perpetuated by a hostile society, we continue to emerge empowered, prepared to tell our own stories, and dancing to our own soul affirming music.
We Say: Counter-narratives for Deconstruction, Decolonization and Disruption “Who gave you permission to rearrange me? Certainly not me!” ~ Erykah Badu ~
Numerous injustices have been committed, degrading images circulated, and deceitful falsehoods perpetuated against Black women causing damage to our minds, bodies, and souls; yet, that damage is not irreparable (Bambara, 1984; Baszile, 2016; Collins, 2009; Dillard, 2012; Edwards, 2016; hooks, 2000, 2015; Moraga & Anzaldúa, 2015). As single, Black mothers in a climate—like America—designed to destroy us and our children our continued existence is the epitome of perseverance. We live out the true meaning of what Bandura (1997) has called “perseverance through continued rejection” each day of our lives. Even in his misguided 1965 report on The Negro Family, which is “commonly now understood to perpetuate racist stereotypes of Black families” (Guillory, 2016, p. 109), Senator Moynihan recognizes the war that has been waged against the Black family stating, “…there is a considerable body of evidence to support the conclusion that Negro social structure, in particular the Negro family, battered and harassed by discrimination, injustice, and uprooting, is in the deepest trouble.” (Prospect for Equality, para. 3). The current plight of Blacks in America—as it relates to inequality in opportunities, and unequal protection under the law, attempts at silencing, inaccurately naming, erasing and rendering us invisible—is not far from that of the Civil Rights era when Moynihan’s report was shared. To heal the damage of such injustices, we must employ bell hooks’ (2000) notion of “truth telling” which she describes as “the heart of justice” (p.33). hooks (2000) says the world has become accustomed to lying and women have learned to accept deception as inherently a part of being feminine—an image of us which she says dates back to the story of Eve’s decision to lie to even God. hooks (2000, 2015) warns us all to see what is true instead of constructing realities that suit us thereby continuing to exist in a state of “dissimulation” (2015, p. 14). The lies told and accepted about and sometimes by Black women must be dismantled (Baszile, 2016; Collins, 2009; Edwards, 2016; hooks, 2015; Lorde, 1984). This section will focus on truth telling
29 or exposing the counter-narratives regarding single Black women and mothers so that the negative images used to frame us are exposed as unnatural and socially constructed untruths. By engaging in what Collins (2009) refers to as deconstruction or “exposing a concept as ideological or culturally constructed rather than as natural or a simple reflection of reality” (p. 18), we can understand and know our condition as Black women. Walker (1984) refers to this knowledge of our situation as an awakening and says without it we are not free but are living in “forgottenness” (p.121) and believing what White supremacists want us to believe—that we are inferior, worth less, and worthless. Once we see ourselves for ourselves, we can use this “oppositional knowledge” (Collins, 2009, p. 14) to begin to recreate our own images, define ourselves, and heal individually and collectively from the hatred, greed, and need for domination that created such invisibility ( Baszile, 2016; Beal, 2008; Dillard, 2012; hooks, 1984, 2015; Lorde, 1984; Moraga, & Anzaldúa, 2015; Walker, 1983). Then, because we have often unconsciously accepted the oppressor’s narratives, ignorance, and intentional disregard of us, we must participate in strategies for decolonization. Decolonization includes liberation from the dominant culture’s definitions of and assignments for us and creating our own (hooks, 1992, 2015). Deconstruction and decolonization are acts of disruption or “interventions” (hooks, 2015, p. x) that produce radical changes to the accepted norms. This section is a necessary intervention as it is imperative that we intend to disrupt the narratives that have attempted to subjugate, erase, and literally destroy the Black woman and mother (Baszile, 2016; Collins, 2009; hooks, 2015; Lorde, 1984; Moraga, C., & Anzaldúa, G., 2015). Bandura suggests Many of the challenges of life are group problems requiring collective effort to produce significant change. The strength of groups, organizations, and even nations lies partly in people's sense of collective efficacy that they can solve the problems they face and improve their lives through unified effort. People's beliefs in their collective efficacy influence what they choose to do as a group, how much effort they put into it, their endurance when collective efforts fail to produce quick results, and their likelihood of success (1994, in V.S. Ramachaudran, Encyclopedia of human behavior).
As Black women, this group work and collective sense of efficacy is nothing new and has been paramount to our survival in the United States. But Patricia Hill Collins (2016) reminds us that even as we celebrate our past accomplishments, we must not become complacent and
30 stagnant. She warns that there is still room for expansion and inclusion of voices—even with the increased visibility of Black women or BFT in our academies, the media, arts, or movements for social justice—to, for, about, and from whom BFT as a collective speaks. Collins (2016) further suggests we remain oppositional--defending, defining, and determining ourselves and our paths individually and collectively—and to celebrate, reflect upon, and care for ourselves. Scholars, (Bambara, 1970; hooks, 2015; Scott, 2016) say that in order to begin the process of transformation of the world, we must partake in this revolutionary work with and in ourselves. They suggest that if we forego our individual healing and journey to self-actualization, “our collective struggle is often undermined by all that has not been dealt with emotionally” (hooks, 2015, p. xi). Once we as individuals are awakened, the work can then branch out into our homes, workplaces, sister circles, educational institutions, places of worship, political arenas, and all other spaces we inhabit worldwide with intentions toward re-education of self, each other, society, and the world ( Baszile, et al., 2016; Collins, 2009, 2016; hooks, 2000, 2015; Lorde, 2009; Patterson, et al., 2016). Equipped with the love of self that goes beyond our outward appearance (Lorde, 1984) we are able to “let go of our obsession with power and domination” (hooks, 2000, p. 87), see love as a way of relating to all life, and collectively transform our way of being together in the world (hooks, 2000, 2015)
Remembering of Self “Nothing will work unless you do.” ~ Maya Angelou ~
bell hooks (2009) says, “Anytime we do the work of love, we are doing the work of ending domination” because “domination and dominator thinking” (p. 248) cannot exist within a love ethic. Consequently, those who understand that love and truth cannot exist outside one another, will see love as radical and militant work (hooks, 2015). As Black women, many have had strained experience with true love as many have been assaulted physically, socially, economically, spiritually, and intellectually by those who used domination and power as means to dehumanize, mammify, sexualize, vilify, and silence us to name a few (Collins, 2009; Cruz, Okoh, Gooden, Spates, Elue, & Rousseau, 2016; hooks, 1984, 2015; Lorde, 2007; Walker, 1984). In order to survive in such a patriarchal oppressive environment, we have often had to
31 practice dissimulation by hiding who we know ourselves to be while presenting who the oppressors—be they Black or White, male or female—supposed and required us to be (Baszile, 2016; Collins, 2009; Gwaltney, 1980; hooks, 1984; Lorde, 2009; Ross, 2016). hooks says, “Dissimulation may make one more successful, but it also creates life-threatening stress” (p. 17). In order to go beyond surviving to thriving, we had and still have to engage in behaviors that are often contrary to the “sexist socialization” (hooks, 2000) and racial domination under which we were reared and conditioned. Scholars (Anzaldua, 2015; Baszile, 2016; Collins, 2009; Cruz, et al., 2016; hooks, 1992, 2000, 2015; Ross, 2016; Scott, 2016) insist that in order to thrive and as acts of resistance, we must engage ourselves in “conscious living” and “life- affirming thought patterns and behavior” (hooks, 2000, p. 55). Practices such as self-love (including love of blackness), spiritual activism (acknowledging the divine within), self-care (including eating for life, time for rest, mental and physical health), and self-actualization are pathways and tools that will lead to our increased self-esteem and self-recovery (Anzaldua, 2015; Baszile, 2016; Collins, 2009; Cruz, et al., 2016; hooks, 1992, 2000, 2015; Ross, 2016; Scott, 2016). hooks (1992) says dealing with the painful truth of internalized racism is so difficult that some of us have become comfortable with accepting the negative images of ourselves rather than to acknowledge, deconstruct, and disarm that pain. She says, “openness and honesty [are] the heartbeat of love” (hooks, 2000, p.53) and when we can be truthful, we can begin to develop self-love. As hateful as the world is to Black women—(hooks, 2015)—we would never survive or advance without an “I got this!” way of being that provides the impetus for us doing our own work. Lorde (2009) implores us to “learn to have compassion for ourselves, also” (p. 46). Moreover, we are reminded that while existing within the regime of domination, developing self- love and extending it to others is no simple task but when we learn to recognize love as it truly is, we can be successful therein (hooks, 2000).
Healing In Community: Extending the Work Outside Self “Self-love cannot flourish in isolation” ~ bell hooks ~
32 Scholars agree (Collins, 2009; Cruz, et al., 2016; Griffin, 2016; hooks, 1984, 2000, 2015; Moraga, & Anzaldúa, 2015; Morton, 2016; Walker, 1984; ) black women have taken care of each other (and our girls) for generations by sharing survival secrets, knowledge, and wisdom that allows us to continue to define, celebrate, validate, heal, sustain, and empower ourselves individually and collectively. As a matter of fact, Black women have traditionally taken care of everyone—whites (for survival or money), our mates (even when they have abused and dishonored us), fathers, brothers, and children (those we bore and those we loved as our own)— all for the greater good, often to protect their secrets or reputations, but often at the expense of self-care (Collins, 2000; hooks, 2000, 2015; Lorde, 2009). However, unity and liberation for our communities cannot materialize at the expense of Black women and that all members of the community must engage in healing work (Collins, 2009; hooks, 2015, Lorde, 1984, 2009; ). bell hooks, (2015) states that although Black people emerged from the devastating hatred of slavery—where families were destroyed and unions were dissolved—eager to love freely, unceasingly, and passionately, they undoubtedly were psychologically unprepared to do so. Also, scholars (Lorde, 2009; Walker, 2006) say that Black people need to break with patriarchal thinking that suggests simple solutions such as becoming submissive women or jobs for Black men will bring healing to the Black community. Further, scholars (Collins, 2009; Jones, 1994) suggest that the Black community must examine the definitions for love we have learned to accept or else we will remain damaged having reduced one another to “genitalia and the paycheck” (Collins, p. 168). bell hooks (2015) says that sustained oppression and our identification with the ways of domination have created a narcissistic emphasis on self that has led Black people away from a belief in communal sharing we once espoused. She says we are in need of collective healing and writes about community as “a healing place” (p. 115) that is necessary for our wellness as a group and as individuals. Not only must this collective healing be made manifest in our interactions with one another romantically, but in sister circles, academies, workplaces, religious organizations, and other community spaces as well (Collins, 2009, 2016; Cruz, et al., 2016; hooks, 2000, 2015; Lorde, 1984, 2009). This healing and our advancement will result as we learn to embrace our differences, focus on defining and empowering ourselves, and discarding the divide and conquer tactics of the oppressor (Bey, 2016; Collins, 2016; Lorde, 1984; Moraga, & Anzaldúa, 2015; Nabler, 2016). Patricia Hill Collins (2009, 2016) suggests seeing ourselves as a “highly diverse
33 group” (2009, p 40) of intellectuals who are producers of knowledge inside and outside academia. She suggests that our differences in age, sexuality, education, income bracket, title, etcetera, only strengthen our capacity to be self-defined and inclusionary. Lorde (1984) insists the change this world needs to experience can only come when we stop hurling upon one another the same negativity, intolerance, and ignorance that has been and still is used to silence us. She maintains that we will never be free individually until we come together and become liberated collectively. As Black women intellectuals another concern we must contend with is being silenced, erased, made invisible, and forgotten (Baszile, 2016; Collins, 2000, 2016; Guillory, 2016; hooks, 1994; Lorde; 1984, 2009; 2006; Matias, 2016; Walker, 1984; Waters, 2016). Therefore, scholars (Baszile, 2016; Collins, 2016; hooks, 2015; Keating, 2016; Lorde, 2009; Morton, 2016; Walker, 1984) state that we must engage with one another intellectually by consuming, citing, and referencing one another’s work. These scholars remind us that the absence and replacement of the knowledge Black female intellectuals produce has wreaked havoc on the emotions, spirits, psyche of us as marginalized people. We have to see ourselves as our own healers and liberators, capable of delivering ourselves from the evils of the oppressor through our own knowledge development (Baszile, et al., 2016; Cruz, et al., 2016; hooks, 1992, 2000, 2015; Lorde, 1984). Nancy Berano (1984, in the Introduction to Sister Outsider) says Audre Lorde asks that we give credence to the women who have educated us “those voices we have been taught to distrust” (p. 12), share what they teach us and act out of that knowledge.
Critical Race Parenting as Disruption: Re-Education of Our Children and Ourselves as Mothers “Whoever teaches learns in the act of teaching, and whoever learns teaches in the act of learning” ~Paulo Freire~
Matias (2016), defines Critical Race Parenting as a counter-pedagogy or way of teaching and learning about race that involves both parent (i.e. teacher, mother, father, adult) and child. She says that since children learn about race from those in their social world (i.e. parents, teachers, media), it is important that those who socialize children on issues of race take part in
34 their own learning process—deconstructing and reconstructing their understandings on race. She frames CRP in Critical Race Theory (CRT), Womanism, and Racial Realism. CRT is theory of resistance to unjustly and unequally distributed power across all lines (i.e. racial, political, economic, gender) being upheld by the US legal system (Taylor, Gillborn, & Ladson-Billings, 2009) . Ladson-Billings (2009) says it exposes the controlling dominant narratives, provides means to unlearn the expectations associated with those narratives, and provides opportunities to develop new knowledge—new ways of existing outside them. CRT does this by using counterstories—that are seen as representative of the individual who lives them as well as the collective group of which the individual is a member—as the tool of resistance to disrupt and replace the dominant narratives that places whiteness as privileged over all Others (Solórzano & Yosso, 2002). Matias (2016) also employs racial realism as a frame for CRP and (in response to a quote she cited from the work of Bell, 1992) says that often Black families don’t talk about the realities of race because it is seen as being negative or not acknowledging racial progress—what she calls “false notion of racial progress” (p. 10). She reiterates that Black people will continue to live out patterns of racial oppression even in their families if they do not engage in truth telling about race. Finally, Matias (2016) names Womanist theory as the third frame for CRP and refers to Alice Walker’s (1984) connection of the personal and professional lives of women. She uses this theory because it ushers in the notion of maternal care and that she suggests is what informs the practice of teaching (by male or female—maternal meaning care not female). She says mothering informs our teaching practice as much as teaching informs our mothering practice and so it is also with parents as first teachers of their children. Additionally, CRP’s use of our stories as the tool used for dismantling the stories told and believed about us, provides us with teaching and learning materials that are teacher and learner friendly—not the language of academia that often ostracizes intellectuals from outside the walls of the academy. This act of counterstorytelling tears down images of Black single mothers as bad parents and/or parents who do not care about their children’s education. In summarizing CRP, Matias (2016) points out the benefits of “frontloading vocabulary” (p. 25) so that the children can recognize the racial injustices, articulate their stories, and increase their sense of self-efficacy even as they can name, label, and develop a response to the racial
35 realities they are deconstructing and reconstructing. Further, Matias (2016) says CRP provides space for adults and children to share emotion and dialogue about, understanding and analysis of, and model appropriate or natural responses to racism or racial situations involving themselves or/with others. Matias (2016) suggests parents practice having these conversations with children regularly to ensure everyone’s skills are honed—since this is a teaching and learning practice for both the parents and the children. CRP can serve as an excellent practice through which we learn and teach our children about race. Employing it as a normal everyday practice can lead to the re- education of ourselves as parents, our children, society, and the world.
Decolonization of the Colonizer: Disruption Designed to Re-educate the World “It’s All About Love” ~Earth, Wind, and Fire~
“ . . .Imagine an ignorance that resists. Imagine an ignorance that fights back. Imagine an ignorance militant, aggressive, not to be intimidated, an ignorance that is active, dynamic, that refuses to go quietly—not at all confined to the illiterate and uneducated but propagated at the highest levels of the land, indeed presenting itself unblushingly as knowledge.”
~ Charles W. Mills ~
America has historically pushed (and continues to do so) its agenda of racism, sexism, patriarchy, and the superiority of whiteness to the point that none of us are safe from the ills of domination (Baszile, et al., 2016; hooks, 1992; Matias, 2016; Mills, 1997, 2007; Walker, 2006; Waters, 2016). Mills (2007) describes ”White ignorance” as believing things that are false and the choice to make what is true invisible and says it comes with its own “we the white people” contract (Mills, 1997, p. 3)—a political system of White supremacy at the foundation of the modern world rooted in domination and so taken for granted that it is not even referred to or discussed as such. Scholars (Alcoff, 2007; Mills, 1997 & 2007; Waters, 2016) agree that where there is privilege, there is handicap; where there is memory, there is forgetfulness; where there is visibility, there is invisibility; where there is absolute knowledge, there is ignorance and these
36 scholars speak of the willful choices and ensuing consequences that come from this decision to make the real invisible for the sake of retained power and comfort.
Much has been said about the oppressed engaging in the work of decolonization as a liberatory practice (Collins, 2000; hooks, 1992, 1994; Lorde, 1984; Matias, 2016a; Walker, 1984). However, Drabinski (2013) suggests we require the same from the oppressor—that he engage in decolonization as it relates to problematization of the academy’s tradition of centering whiteness. This would directly impact the Black woman intellectual’s experience in the US which traditionally includes being made invisible and silenced in the academy and not being trusted to be anything but consumers of knowledge (Bambara, 1984; Baszile, et al., 2016; Collins, 2009; Davis, 1981; hooks, 1994; Lorde, 1984; Walker; 1984). As intellectuals from academia and “outside academia” (Walker, 2009, p.20) interject counterstories, deconstruct pedagogy that imprisons and construct pedagogy that liberates us, and “critically interrogate” (hooks, 1994) mainstream narratives transformation can happen in our world (hooks, 1981-2015; Baszile, 2016).
Scholars ( Drabinski, 2013, Matias, 2016; Mills, 2007; Waters, 2016) declare that if those who practice white supremacy—being in this “white darkness” ( p. 35)—are to experience decolonization themselves disruption of their allegiance to domination, power, and superiority must take place. In “Loving Blackness” hooks (1992) suggests attempting to get people who benefit from white privilege to see themselves as victims of oppression in need of decolonization is useless in the battle against white supremacy as the victimization is not the same and they do not experience the same daily instances of pain that Blacks feel. However, hooks (1994) later speaks of the need to practice compassion with students who after critical interrogation are making painful paradigm shifts that change their lives—in ontological and epistemological ways, as well as how they relate with family and friends. Finally, hooks (2000) speaks of love as the will to do the [painful] work that is needed to nurture the spiritual development of one’s self as well as that of others and furthermore, speaks of turning our nation back to love and love as the work, the power, the healer.
Freire (2006) maintains that as the oppressed seeks to recover their humanity, they must not become “oppressors of the oppressors, but rather restorers of the humanity of both” (p. 44) making the goal, experiencing collective liberation (Baszile, et al., 2016; Collins, 2000;
37 Drabinski, 2013; hooks, 1994; Lorde, 1984, 2009; Mills, 2007; Walker; 2006; Waters, 2016). Collective liberation then, can be achieved by engaging together in acts of “radical honesty” (Drabinsky, 2013, ¶ 13) or “commitment to truth telling” (hooks, 2000, p. 53). This move toward radical consciousness and social transformation that places equal value on all people must take place in all spaces we inhabit (personal) and cohabit (public) and bring about realignments in systems as well as individuals (Baszile, et al., 2016; Collins, 2000, 2016; hooks, 2009, 2015; Lorde, 1984; Moraga, & Anzaldúa, 2015; Waters, 2016). Bringing diversity into these spaces is a beginning but no matter who is in the room or absent, nothing changes if the systems that protect whiteness remain unchallenged (Matias, 2016).
When individual and collective critical reflexivity has been established as the foundation for transformation, love can become the liberator (Baszile, et al., 2016; Freire, 2006; hooks, 1994, 2000; Matias, 2016; Morton, 2016; Ross, 2016). This love is not simply an emotion—a warm and fuzzy feeling—but action; movement; political, intellectual and, spiritual activism; confrontational; revolutionary (Bambara, 1984; Baszile; 2016; Collins, 2016; Davis, 1981; hooks, 1994; Keating; 2016; Lorde, 1984; Matias; 2016b; Walker; 2006). It is not separatist— limited by gender, race, sexuality, ability--but includes intellectuals from all walks of life from the academy, arts and entertainment industry, community organizations, and other social justice projects the world over (Baszile, et al., 2016; Bey, 2016; Collins, 2016; hooks, 1994; Naber, 2016; Wood, 2016). This love is work!
During this honest confrontational love work, as systemic inequalities are addressed, feelings such as pain, fear, anger, rage, shame, denial, and guilt will undoubtedly rise to the surface (Baszile, et al., 2016; Drabinsky, 2013; hooks, 2015; Mills, 2007; Waters, 2016). This is where the process typically gets thwarted as members of the dominant group become defensive, evasive, threatened, and territorial as they protect their privilege and power and practice behaviors intended to force Others into silence (Baszile, et al., 2016; hooks, 2009; Lorde, 2009; Mills, 2007; Walker, 1984; Waters, 2016). Freire (2006) says, “Liberation is thus a childbirth, and a painful one”(p. 49) but just as in childbirth, the birth will happen and neither pain nor fear can stop it. Under these painful conditions, remembering to love will not be easy as emotions will “seduce [us] to forget” (Edwards, 2016, p.64)—which is the aim of us versus them, superior versus inferior, divide and conquer (Bey, 2016; Edwards, 2016; Freire, 2006; Lorde, 1984, 2009; Walker, 2006)—that this is transformational love in action. 38 Significant to note here, I think, is the distinction between love that is based upon the spirituality and connectedness of humankind and not on religious beliefs (Walker, 2006). Alice Walker (2006) makes it clear that religions which teach male domination, acceptance of poverty, destruction and slaughter of others “perceived to be the enemy...sanctioned by an easily irritated and wrathful...jealous...God” (p. 117) are not suitable to be used as guides for her life--a notation with which I wholeheartedly agree.
Self-Efficacy, Self-Determination, I Got This!: Definitions, Development, “Do or Die” of It
Unless people believe they can produce desired effects by their actions, they have little incentive to act, or to persevere in the face of difficulties.
~Albert Bandura~
Self-Efficacy Defined
Bandura’s (1997) construct of self-efficacy, is simply defined as the belief that one can do what is needed to get the desired results. He suggests this belief in one’s capabilities determines how a person thinks, feels, and is inspired toward action and that one’s degree of efficacy belief is linked to one’s level of accomplishments and well-being. Schwarzer (1992) also defines self-efficacy expectancies in terms of one’s agency or control over personal action that causes an event—control over one’s environment—and calls it a “can do” epistemology. Self-efficacy is neither synonymous with efficacy (confidence in the ability to act) nor self- esteem (self-worth) the value one holds for oneself. While self-efficacy is typically understood as specific to an area (i.e. one might have a high self-efficacy belief in their ability to handle professional relationships but simultaneously not feel self-efficacious in maneuvering intimate relationships), general self-efficacy is seen as a sense of confidence in one’s abilities to act successfully in many different and new situations (Schwarzer & Hallum, 2008).
Self-Determination and Self-responsibility Defined
Although Black women in this country have been victims of oppression along many intersectionalities, depicting us as simply helpless recipients of abuse undermines notions that we are capable of working to alter our circumstances and transform our lives (Collins, 2009). Collins
39 (2009) defines self-determination as “the power to decide one’s own destiny” (p. 321) a power that comes from the belief in one’s agency and states,“ the existence of Black feminist thought suggests that there is always choice, and power to act, no matter how bleak the situation may appear to be” (309). This statement suggests BFT in and of itself is a direct manifestation of a collective self-efficacy belief or an act of self-determination. Further, in harmony with Bandura and Schwarzer’s connection of belief and action in self-efficacy, Collins (2009) likewise makes the connection between thought and action or “ experience and consciousness” (2009, p 27) suggesting that many conscious liberatory actions in which many Black women (individually or collectively) involve themselves stem from lived experiences with a related phenomenon. bell hooks (2000), uses the term self-responsibility to describe having the capacity to shape one’s own life in the midst of challenges.
I Got This! Defined
How might millennials best relate to, understand, assign meaning to the term self-efficacy belief. If I asked the single Black millennial mothers who are participants of this research study to assign a synonymous term to this phenomenon of self-efficacy belief, I would without doubt hear I got this! I hear it frequently when they speak about their challenges and could definitely be their mantra. I often heard this statement being used (and heard of it being used) by one of the participants on several occasions. I recall a personal conversation with AnnaN in which she explained: You know I was twenty when I became a single mother and there were many times when I came up against difficulties or challenges in my life. My mother would tell me what to do or offer advice to get me through those situations. I just didn’t like being told what to do. I’m a hands-on person and I don’t learn that way. I just want to figure it out on my own...I guess I like to learn the hard way. So, when she’d tell me what to do, I’d say, “Ma, I got this!” Sometimes we’d have arguments because she would say, “If you got this, why are you always asking me for money, babysitting services, help?” It was hard for us for a while but she finally left me alone...seems like it took a long time...maybe after the third baby was born. She was probably like “Yeah, looks like you do learn the hard way. Another baby? I’m gone let you do you!” She was sick of me (laughing)! But one day I realized I needed her support to get through a real tough time with my oldest daughter. She was right there to help us and I now understand “I got this!” 40 does not mean I won’t ever need support. It just means I want to try to figure it out on my own, I’m capable, I’m a mother too but I’m human and sometimes (like all humans) I will need some help. Collins (2009) shares a statement from a personal source, Patrice L. Dickerson, that is applicable here. Ms. Dickerson says, “A person comes into being and knows herself by her achievements, and through her efforts to become and know herself, she achieves” (p. 40). That is a perfect representation of what I got this! means: I will learn, be, and achieve (future) as I learn, be, and achieve (present) because I did learn, be, and achieve (past). I got this! says, “I can figure it out”, “I am capable of getting through this”, “I don’t need to be told what to do”, and I would add—”providing support doesn’t make you master of my life”. The notion that providing support to someone equates to power over them is most likely a remnant of a lifetime of patriarchy and domination and leads to an abuse of power (Collins; 2009; Freire, 2006; hooks, 2000, 2015; Matias, 2016).
How It’s Developed
* Note that from this point forward, in this section, I will use the terms self-efficacy, self- responsibility, and I got this! interchangeably.
Self-efficacy belief or “respect for possibilities and the will to grasp them” (Morton, 2016, p. 35) does not result simply from possessing a positive outlook or unrealistic optimism, rather it is developed by individual experiences (Bandura, 1977, 1986; Caprara, Regalia, Scabini, Barbaranelli, & Bandura, 2004; Schwarzer, 1992). There are four main sources of influence toward the development of self-efficacy beliefs: mastery experience, vicarious experience, verbal persuasion, and physiological feedback. The first and most effective is mastery experiences or successes (Bandura, 1977, 1986; Caprara, et al., 2004; Schwarzer, 1992). Confidence in one’s ability to produce a desired outcome is the result of overcoming struggles so that success breeds more success—a statement congruent with Patrice L. Dickerson says, “A person comes into being and knows herself by her achievements, and through her efforts to become and know herself, she achieves” (Collins, 2009, p. 40).
The next two influencers toward the development of an I got this! belief are vicarious experience and verbal persuasion (Bandura, 1977, 1986; Caprara, et al., 2004; Schwarzer, 1992). The second, vicarious experience is seeing others who are similar to oneself modeling success by
41 their continued efforts. The level of effectiveness of the model increases if their area of proficiency is linked more closely to that which the observer aspires (Bandura, 1977, 1986; Caprara, et al., 2004; Schwarzer, 1992). The third influence to developing self-efficacy is social persuasion or being verbally assured that one has what it takes to produce the desired outcome.
These two influencers are what many Black women/mothers who have a strong sense of self-efficacy attribute it to. Watching our own mothers, grandmothers, aunts, sisters, sister- friends demonstrate self-responsibility, self-determination, I got this! even if we decide to make slightly different choices than they did has been a major influence on the development of our own self-efficacy belief (Baszile, 2016; Collins, 2009; Griffin, 2016; hooks, 2000, 2015; Lorde, 2009; Morton, 2016). Not only did many of our foremothers demonstrate this self- efficaciousness, they made sure we understood by providing verbal reminders--what Berlisha Morton (2016) calls “utterances” (p. 17) or phrases that taught us to believe in our power to do whatever was necessary to get where we want to go. Utterances such as “keep on keepin’ on” “keep on truckin’”, “go for it!”, and the one I often hear the millennial mothers call out to one another or their children “git cho’ life!”. We often attribute our I got this! belief to the vicarious experiences with and verbal persuasion from our ancestors and “othermothers” (Collins, 2009, p. 192). This knowledge might even be considered subjugated knowledge that helped us survive and thrive through the many challenges that come with being a Black woman (Collins, 2009; Griffin, 2016; Matias, 2016a; Morton, 2016). Watching them operate in their sister circles, we witnessed the sharing of subjugated knowledge that allowed them to support and nurture men who did return the favor to them, helped them thrive or survive in work environments or a world that didn’t welcome them, outright instruct us on or hint—as if it were a secret—about options we might create for ourselves, etcetera (Cruz, et al., 2016; Gumbs, Martens, Williams, 2016; hooks, 1992, 2009, 2015; Walker, 1983).
Finally, they state a person’s physiological responses–-like mood, stress, and the interpretation of one’s emotional or physical reaction to challenges–-influence their belief in their abilities. So, building a sense of self-efficacy includes helping a person to see their reactions to challenges in a more positive way (Bandura, 1977, 1986; Caprara, et al., 2004; hooks, 2000, 2015; Schwarzer, 1992). bell hooks (2000) suggests thinking critically about ourselves—unpacking the reasons for our behaviors—and repeating healing mantras and affirmations to ourselves will help us unlearn our belief in the negative voices from inside and 42 outside ourselves allowing us to be restored to “emotional equilibrium” (p.56) and experience self-responsibility.
Self-Efficacy Embodied or Not
How people feel, think, and act is affected by their sense of self-efficacy, self- determination, self-responsibility, I got this! belief. Such that if a person believes in her ability to act on her own behalf, she tends to feel competent, sees difficult situations as challenges to be conquered and is motivated to action. For this individual, when failure happens, the hardship associated with the challenge will be experienced as resulting from a lack of skill, knowledge, or effort all of which can be improved. Thereby, rendering the person quick to regain composure and remain confident of the potential to succeed (Bandura, 1977, 1986; Collins, 2009; hooks, 2000; Schwarzer, 1992).
Alternatively, people who have a lower sense of self-efficacy, tend to also have low self- esteem and feel anxiety, depression, and a sense of helplessness. They develop pessimistic thoughts and view difficulties as obstacles to be avoided so that when they experience failure, they see it as an indicator of their deficiency. In turn, they are quick to lose faith in their abilities (Bandura, 1994; hooks, 2000). Scholars (Bandura, 1994; Collins, 2009; hooks, 2000) note, the benefits to belief in one’s agency are numerous because life is full of troubles, setbacks, unfairness, etcetera, and that for those who attempt to achieve, perform, and create beyond the norm they must be prepared to persevere through injustices as these barriers are a reality.
It appears that there is thus far, an agreement between the social science and Black feminist/womanist epistemologies as to what a self-responsibility or self-efficacy belief is and how it is developed. What Bandura and other scholars who write specifically about self-efficacy belief don’t discuss is how spirituality influences the self-efficacy belief. BFT/W scholars have indeed addressed spirituality as part of the foundation for this I got this! belief in one’s abilities to do what is needed to get the desired results or determine one’s own destiny (hooks, 2000, 2015; Keating, 2016; Scott, 2016; Walker; 2006). The participants of this narrative inquiry will share, how they developed this I got this! belief. As they narrate their journey to a belief in their ability to parent their children as first teachers (against all perceived odds), perhaps they will experience and provide all who engage with this document the opportunity to be reeducated, shift their perspective, and recognize the
43 absolute wonderful contribution single Black millennial mothers and their children are to our society.
Mothers as First Teachers “We can sit in our corners mute forever while our sisters and ourselves are wasted, while our children are distorted and destroyed, while our earth is poisoned; we can sit in our safe corners mute as bottles, and we will still be no less afraid.” ~Audre Lorde~
As a noun, the word fear is defined as a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. As a verb fear means to consider or anticipate (something unpleasant) with a feeling of dread or alarm (dictionary.com). bell hooks (1984) points out that in the early stages of the feminist movement, some middle class white women feared that motherhood was a hindrance to their liberation. She continues that after being in the sexist workplace for some time, many of these white mothers were happy to relinquish that fear and return to their homes. hooks goes on to discuss how the Black women at that time in history—not having had the luxury of being homemakers—feared work outside the home was a continuation of the bondage that made them unavailable to their families. They knew what Black single mothers today know, that being a Black woman and/or mother to Black children in America--in “the mouth of this dragon…[where] we were never meant to survive” (Lorde, 1984, p. 42)—means we may never have the luxury of turning on our heels, running back home, and living without fear. We could fear being blamed for everything from self-induced poverty to selfish success; from being overly self-assertive to too fragile; being the cause of failed love relationships to the reason for our children’s choices; from not caring enough about men to caring too much about them; and from being too loud to being wickedly silent—to name a few (Collins, 2009; Gilens, 2000; Gilliam, 1999; hooks, 2000, 2015; Lorde, 2009; Scott, 2016). However, as single Black mothers one of our greatest fears—as scholars (Collins, 2009; Guillory, 2016; Lorde, 1984; Walker, 2006) would agree—is for the psychological, spiritual, emotional, intellectual, and
44 physical safety of our children because they still live in a world that views them as “dangerous, out-of-control brutes, thugs, or animals…[who need] to be taken down” (Guillory, 2016, p.113). Yet, for our well-being, that of our children, and the world, we are reminded to be careful not to internalize the fear for it will stifle and cripple us (Baszile, et al., 2016; Collins, 2009; Freire, 2006; hooks, 1994, 2015; Lorde, 1984; Matias, 2016a). We must resist the stories of helplessness, “learned helplessness” (hooks, 2015), and despair others create to manipulate and define us as Black mothers whether ill or well-intended (hooks, 1994, 2000, 2015). Black mothers must question the status quo and dare to operate differently or we might unintentionally model for our children a life of voiceless victimhood in a world that wishes to annihilate them (Baszile, et al., 2016; Gumbs et al., 2016; hooks, 1992, 1994, 2000, 2015). We must employ critical reflection, self-definition and self-determination as ways of deconstructing and disrupting attempts at colonization of our psyche while moving into action for transformation of the social systems in which our children were never meant to flourish (Baszile, et al., 2016; Collins; 2000; Freire, 2006; Gumbs, et al., 2016; hooks, 1994; Walker, 2006). When they are young, we must begin to teach our children to love their Blackness as a form of resistance, an active love for self, as well as teaching them to love others (Freire, 2006; hooks,1992, 1994, 2000, 2015; Matias, 2015; Walker, 2006). Living out these acts of critical consciousness will guide us to “The Work: To make revolution irresistible” (Bambara, 2015, p. xxxi) even to a new generation. When it comes to race—a topic of major importance for Black families—what do children need to know and when? Being a Black child in America is no easy task and doesn’t get any easier as the years pass. Research (historical and more recent) shows that by the age of three, Black children are already internalizing racial messages that demonstrate their feelings of inferiority (Clark & Clark, 1939; and see https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YWyI77Yh1Gg). Matias (2016a) asks, “If parents are the first teachers of their children then should not they consider pedagogical ways of teaching their children about race while also learning from them?” Children need practice in order to be able to deconstruct negative messages that work to poison their minds against their own sense of worth and efficacy. This practice will lead to automaticity in their ability to deconstruct racial occurrences and construct a response to daily encounters as it relates to protecting themselves from whiteness that intends to render them invisible, incapable, and inferior (Matias, 2016a). Parents can help them train for this by
45 modeling “shadowboxing” (Matias, 2016b) whiteness for them, and participating in this practice with them as a CRP tool (Matias, 2016a). Critical race parenting is a movement not of fear but of love and love will move us to critical dialogue and action on the behalf of all humanity (Cruz, et al., 2016; Gumbs, et al., 2016; hooks, 1992, 2000, 2015; Matias, 2016a). Alice Walker (1984) says that as long as one Black person in America exists, so will the struggle for equality. The same goes for Black mothers, as long as the world operates out of dominant narratives about what is good, bad, better, or worse, there will be narratives of failing Black mothers and inequalities. Walker (1984) goes on to say, in speaking of the scientific proof that human life began in Africa, that when humankind reestablishes its bond to and love for “its dark mother” (2006, p.123) the world will quickly be transformed. Seemingly foreshadowing the unlikelihood of this, Walker (1984) informs us that the fight for equality is something we must do for the children, the “blameless hostages” (p.120) to whom we leave the future. We are reminded that the fight begins in our minds and hearts as we deconstruct and disrupt those demeaning and negative images of ourselves that we have often internalized, those narratives meant to keep us in fear and bondage so that we would teach our children to be enslaved to the same (Baszile, 2016; Boylorn, 2008; Collins, 2009; Lorde, 1984; Brodsky & DeVet, 2000; Cruz, et al., 2016; Griffin, 2016). We must live outside our fear and let it, like fire, consume those who obviously live in fear of privilege lost as we walk right through the flames unscorched with our children uplifted proclaiming, “Here it is. The beauty that scares you...to death” (Alice Walker, 2016).
Mothering by Whom? Although this section discusses mothers as first teacher and focuses on their role as such, it in no way is meant to imply that fathers or other members of the family and community cannot or should not be involved in parenting or teaching our children effectively. hooks, (1984) warn against delegating the work of parenting to women only and suggest that childrearing be a collective community responsibility (or return to being a community effort in Black communities), and insist that children see no difference in the level of importance or involvement between fatherhood and motherhood when it comes to parenting. Additionally, hooks (1984) advocates for public funding of community based childcare centers wherein men, women, and elders share childrearing with single and/or working mothers.
46 That being said, it matters not which parent is parenting if there is no realization that every member of the family is simultaneously teacher and student (Freire, 2006). If parenting is approached with the same patriarchal domination as is prevalent in other social relationships where people, in this case children, are seen as the property, everyone will suffer enslavement and loss of liberation (Gumbs et al., 2016; hooks, 1994). Therefore, it makes sense that as parents, we begin with children seeing themselves as people—"I am a person, an educated person” (Freire, 2006, p. 33)—not as clones of us, or our property. Modeling and teaching self- awareness, self-love, and self-definition may be where we begin just as it is for us adults in the areas of knowing, loving, developing, and healing self (Anzaldua, 2015; Baszile, 2016 ;Collins, 2009; Cruz, et al., 2016; Gumbs, et al., 2016; hooks, 1992, 2000, 2015; Matias, 2016a; Ross, 2016; Scott, 2016).
Millennial Mothers “The problems we face today cannot be solved by the minds that created them.” ~Albert Einstein~
According to research (Black Youth Project, 2015; Nielsen, 2016; Pew Research Center, 2010, 2014), Millennials are the generation born between the years 1980 and 2000 and, as with each generational group, have distinct characteristics that connect them as a group. Of all the generations, they are less connected to traditional institutions than other generations—being the least religious, patriotic, or politically affiliated—although Black millennials voted at a higher rate than other millennials during President Obama’s campaigns (Black Youth Project, 2015). Millennials are connected through social media although they are not very trusting of others. They have had to survive economic hardships and being the most educated generation, they carry that burden of debt (student loans) but are hopeful about the future. A large percentage of them are unmarried and many of those surveyed say it is because they don’t feel financially prepared for marriage (Pew, 2014). With 83.1 million millennials currently in the United States, they are also the most racially diverse generation in America with fourteen percent of them (about 11.5 million) being Black (Nielsen 2016; Pew, 2010). Fifty-two percent of all millennials surveyed say their first priority is being a good parent (Pew, 2010).
47 The 2017 Nielsen Report, discusses Black women in general and provides a few statistics related to Black millennial women. The Nielsen Report (2017) states that eighty-one percent (81%) of Black millennial women (ages 18-34) have never been married (section titled “Independent and Self-Made) and though it does not indicate what percentage of those women are mothers, we can be sure that some of these Black women are single Black millennial mothers as the age range itself—childbearing years—allows us to safely make such a deduction. Still, there is not much being said about this group of mothers who are the generation of America’s first teachers currently parenting school aged children who are the next generation of leaders and learners. A growing body of research (Schwarzer & Hallum, 2008) demonstrates the strong link between teacher well-being and effective teaching. Although these references are typically used in reference to educators, it stands to reason that the same link exists for mothers since we are the first teachers of our children and that a strong self-efficacy/I got this! belief for mother leads to the same for our children and society. The experience of living, inventing, re-living, and reinventing interdependent narratives creates spaces for reimagining new possibilities for mothers, educators, and society (Clandinin, 2013; Souto Manning, 2013). It is imperative that educators specifically and society in general acknowledge our positive existence, hear our stories of self-efficacy, our “I got this!” proclamation, and celebrate our contributions to society. The goal of this research is to reinvent the narratives about Black single millennial mothers in order to begin changing the conversation about them and their children who are often described as “vulnerable” a term often used to describe children who are disenfranchised, low income, or labeled “at risk” (Luthar, Cicchetti, & Becker, 2000). This work coupled with the work of love, can lead us to social justice for these families and guide us toward healing the nations (Baszile, et al., 2016; Freire, 2006; Gumbs, et al., 2016; hooks, 1992, 2000, 2015; Matias, 2016a). These same scholars remind us that the acts of creating and presenting the counter-stories that truthfully represent our realities, engage us in “resistant knowledge- production and liberatory practice” (Waters, 2016, p.14) that can be heard, witnessed, and adopted by those who are choosing to “[employ] privilege” (Waters, 2016, p.14) to resist change. If those who are ignorant decide to “see what...has been there all along” (Mills, 1997, p.2) it is possible for society to move from a pretense that we all are free to pursue the
48 membership rights and privileges of mainstream Americans, move away from advancing the negative images and narratives perpetuated in the media and held firmly in the minds of those who suffer from that abundant, determined, lasting, and hostile ignorance to which Mills (2007) refers and that which spreads such vicious and hateful poison about single Black millennial mothers and their children that works to destroy us all. For as Paulo Freire (2006) says, “As the oppressors dehumanize others and violate their rights, they themselves also become dehumanized” (p. 56). Single Black millennial mothers and first teachers must be engaged and have their input honored in the discussion of parenting and educating their children. It is time to create and unveil a new script, an updated “common knowledge” surrounding the single Black millennial mother. We cannot afford to allow them to be silenced by fear “[b]ecause the machine will try to grind [us] into dust anyway, whether or not we speak” (Lorde, 1984, p. 42).
In Summary America has attempted to erase the history of, withhold power and wealth from, mis- educate, and physically, spiritually, psychologically, intellectually eradicate its Black citizens. Studies and scholars testify to the harsh realities and hardships Black Americans face at the hands of American institutions and systems (i.e. slavery, religious, justice, political, education) throughout history and to this present day. Black women and our children have suffered traumatic instances of violence directly and indirectly through the systems supposedly designed to support us. We are the victims who are blamed for our victimhood on all sides, and even as we fight to thrive, our men, fathers, brothers are often turned against us through strategic creation of damaging images of us as women.
While the struggle has always been and remains real, Black women and mothers have found ways to survive and thrive in this hostile environment. We have fought back as intellectuals from all walks of life and in various arenas from kitchen table conversations, to the academies, through the arts and entertainment industries, and by any and all means necessary.
We have done so by countering the negative frames and images with stories of our own, creating subjugated and oppositional knowledge, and forming protective circles, organizations, theories and communities that support the cause of liberation work.
49 We are reminded that in the revolutionary battle for a transformed society, self-care and healing is necessary for ourselves, our communities, and the world. We can engage in this healing through disrupting the negative stereotypical images perpetuated by the oppressor and often internalized by us without our knowledge. In order to do so, we must spend time in critical self-reflection, critical dialogue, and critical race parenting practices that lead to self-love, self- definition, and self-determination. We do and must continue to challenge the status quo, the oppressive practices, and the images used as attempts to silence and stop us. We have and must continue to employ an I got this! belief and nurture the same in our children.
We, as mothers (fathers, family units), are the first teachers of our children, therefore, we must be intentional and diligent in our teaching and learning relationships with them. This is not a relationship of domination over our children, but one of liberation that comes from real love. Love that causes us to be willing to work for our own spiritual growth, that of our children, and all of society. Audre Lorde (2007, p. 42) says, “… For to survive in the mouth of this dragon we call america, we have had to learn this first and most vital lesson - that we were never meant to survive. Not as human beings.” Therefore, possessing an I got this! belief in one’s ability to do what is needed to create the outcome one wants is absolutely necessary for Black parents who are living in and preparing their children to live in such a hostile environment, hateful, and dehumanizing society.
As another generation of parents, millennials, step to the forefront, we must see them, hear them, honor them, and encourage them all the while sharing this subjugated and oppositional knowledge we have gained along our journey. We must treat them as equals because that is what they are--no one has arrived at a place of know-it-all and we all have a lot yet to learn. We must all have the courage to learn and teach together in this act of revolutionary love.
50 Chapter 3: Research Methodology and Design “Those occupying the liminal position do not seek to move from the margins to the mainstream because they understand the corrupting influences of the mainstream - its pull to maintain status quo relations of power and inequities” ~Gloria Ladson Billings~
Context of the Study: Research Development Many scholars (Barrett & Turner, 2005; Brody et al., 2002; Gonzalez et al., 2012; Kogan & Brody, 2010; Mandara & Murray, 2000) who have previously used research to paint a picture of single Black mothers and their offspring, have done so in a manner that is negative, too simple, and devoid of complex knowledge of and meaning related to the lived experiences of the families they study. Those who have engaged in such research and alleged knowledge production, have been constructing knowledge and making meaning based upon limited understanding instead of accepting that the meaning made from the lived experiences of these mothers exists on its own terms (Shank, 2006). This qualitative inquiry, however, aims to share what Shank (2006) calls a “rich, thick, textured, insightful, and ...illuminative” (p.5) picture painted of these single Black millennial mothers, by these single Black millennial mothers. This research study unfolded for me in the most organic way and throughout my journey to personal and professional healing. After years of meaning making regarding my own life choices and experiences, and after a lifetime of putting it all together, there were a couple things I knew for sure. First, I was meant to be a teacher, mother, teaching mother—from day one, I was extremely intentional about my relationship with children and others who touched the lives of children. I always hoped I was sowing seeds of life into them and apologized profusely (no matter how old or young they were) when I felt I had fallen short. “Listen, she’s always teaching,” was my mother’s words to anyone who was with her and within earshot of my conversations with children. Second, I was sure that the children in my personal and professional circle had been my greatest teachers—and just as they would frequently tell me I was the “best teacher in the world” or they could not have asked for a “better mother”, I felt the same about them. They helped me locate the broken pieces of myself as being in their presence kept me in touch with Little Robin until she was on her road to recovery.
51 While on that road, this study morphed and expanded many times but most of all, it became something born out of my most authentic self, out of my deepest passion and purpose— being a supporter of great beginnings! My parents were my first teachers, their parents had been theirs, I was the same for my children, and so it was true for every family. Education began before children showed up on the schoolhouse doorstep! It began at home with those adults who were assigned, chosen, decided to act as guardians of their minds, bodies, and souls. Therefore, instead of coming up with an entire research protocol before recruiting potential participants (as is typically done), I was recruiting participants even before I knew exactly what I would study. In my mother/sister circle, parenting was a recurring topic of conversation whether I was sharing my stories from both sides of this coin (parenting or being parented) or listening to stories being shared with me concerning the same. Each of my participants present from professional or personal relationships in which teaching, learning, and parenting serve as the “ties that bind” us together. So, when the happenings in my life defined my research topic for me, all I had to do was mention it to the mothers, my “little sisters”, and they were on board.
Methodological Choice It is imperative that Black women are consulted in matters that pertain to, describe, or attempt to define us. The purpose of my qualitative inquiry was to provide the space for these five mothers to speak their truths about their experiences on their journey to I Got This! (parental self- efficacy) as first teachers of their children (italics used for emphasis on ownership). The goal is to foster an understanding of the ways single Black millennial mothers BE or exist—survive, strive, and thrive—and know themselves as first teachers as well as what serves as the challenges and contributors to their development of self-efficacy beliefs in their ability to educate their children. The methodological approach is the “way of seeing” (Schram, 2006, p. 93) the particular phenomenon of study. I employ Black feminist thought as my methodological approach as this supports and forefronts the Black woman’s standpoint, views, individual and collective experiences, as knowledge producing. Simultaneously, Black feminist thought as critical social theory challenges those traditional ways of conducting research that have allowed researchers to create such bleak pictures and negative images of these mothers and their children. It challenges what is traditionally seen by the academy as rigorous research—scientific, evidence based,
52 quantitative—and centers the lives, concerns, experiences, and methods of knowledge production (for and by Black women) at the heart of our rigorous research. Black feminist thought as methodology provides a theoretical framework for research that is critical (designed to reveal the untruths or distorted realities created by the dominant to keep others at a disadvantage and maintain their power position), research that emerges from the outskirts of the dominant point of view, and research that has emancipation as its central purpose (Collins, 2009; Ladson Billings, 2000; Patterson et al., 2016). Therefore, since, the work of this research is to challenge dominant views on single Black Millennial mothers and allow these mothers a platform from which “clap back”—to lift their voices or answer—in response to the domination and devaluing practices; share how they self-identify as women, mothers, and self-efficacious teachers; and outline their methods for determining their own destiny, Black feminist thought and methodology called out to me. Patricia Hill-Collins (2009) states: “...the legacy of struggle among U.S. Black women suggests that a collectively shared, Black women’s oppositional knowledge has long existed. This collective wisdom in turn has spurred U.S. Black women to generate a more specialized knowledge, namely, Black feminist thought as critical social theory.” (p. 14-15) This is without a doubt the theory that serves as a foundation for this study. Narrative inquiry as a research method is commonly used to explore questions aimed at understanding “how people structure the flow of experience to make sense of events and actions in their lives and builds upon people’s natural impulse to tell stories about past events and personal experiences” writes (Schram, 2006, p. 104). With this research method, the narrative interviews/stories are not what we use to get to the information, they are the information (Schram, 2006). Lawrence (1995) suggests that our stories have not made it into mainstream research or literature but that this in no way indicates that these stories are not as important as the dominant narratives that are seen as truth. In the midst of such negative, stereotypical, narratives propagated against them we get to hear them narrate—give us a glance into—how they self-actualize in the role of first teachers. Narrative inquiry as a research method allows us to study the ways these mother/teachers experience the world while they Be (exist as) the characters and storytellers they are. Being a part of this group to some degree (SBM) and as narrative inquiry allows, I as researcher also get the opportunity to engage as character and storyteller deconstructing hegemonic/dominant
53 narratives while constructing and reconstructing counter narratives for social emancipation. These narrations of their/our experiences and knowledge allow us/them to be our own voice, be agents of change as we champion emancipation from the power and domination inherent in the narratives currently being told about us and those like us. One theory in educational research holds that humans are storytelling organisms who, individually and socially, lead storied lives. Thus, the study of narrative is the study of the ways humans experience the world. This general concept is refined into the view that education and research about education is the construction and reconstruction of personal and social stories; we all are storytellers and characters in our stories and those of others (Clandinin, D. J., & Connelly, 2000). The mothers or first teachers in this study breathe life into this theory and just as an entomologist uses an aerial net to capture a beautiful and delicate butterfly for observation and admiration so too will narrative inquiry be used to gently capture, observe, and admire the brilliant stories of these strong but delicate queens. My journey to telling this story to this research is so in line with my chosen methodology BFT/W and narrative inquiry in that it speaks to my entire process in this program, to my education journey, to my life as a single mother—the story of a Black woman trying to survive in a program, system, world that does not recognize my life, process of knowledge development, method of expression of that knowledge as valid, rigorous, or beneficial to the whole. I remember beginning this proposal and dissertation process thinking--after all I had survived, all my strivings and accomplishments, all I continued to thrive against in forty-six years—"I must not be doctoral worthy, I hate the language of the academy, I can’t and have no desire to speak it. I am a common person, too common for the academy. Then I began reading the works of my sisters and I saw the light...I AM a scholar, I do have knowledge, my knowledge is built by intellectuals of many different walks of life and our knowledge, methods, presentation is valid, rigorous, and brilliant! That is how I approached this project. I finally understood and saw my epistemological standpoint as knowledge producing. Narrative Inquiry and Black feminist thought walk hand-in-hand as allies and sister-friends in this study and were chosen as the methodological approach as they will allow the study to answer these research questions: • How do these single Black millennial mothers describe the lived experiences that contribute to and present challenges to their developing a sense of 'I Got This' or self- efficacy as first teachers of their children?
54 • How do the narratives told by these mothers chronicle their journey to 'I Got This' or self- efficacy belief as their children's first teachers? • What do the stories of these mothers reveal about their collective and individual experiences in developing an 'I Got This' self-efficacy belief in themselves as first teachers of their children? Methods Participants The participants represent a homogeneous sampling which allows this study to answer the research questions about this specific group of single Black millennial mothers. The small size of this participant group is conducive to this method because the value in performing narrative inquiry is in studying personal experiences and meaning which is not feasible when working with large, anonymous groups of people (Schram, 2006). All the mothers participating in this study are unmarried, born between 1980 and 2000, and self-identify as Black women. Although some of them engage in some form of mutually agreed upon co-parenting (not decided by the courts) with the father of their children, the mothers are considered, by law, the custodial parent of the children. The five participants in my study are members of an ever-growing sister circle of support. Although these women know me, I do not present myself to them (or even my biological children) as an authority on life. In our relationships, I am a spiritual partner with them—all of us teaching and learning in the group. I am seen as a member not a leader of the sister/mother circle and I have an already established rapport with these women. We have not had a formal meeting place or date but sometimes find ourselves in situations together (i.e. the beauty salon, children’s birthday parties, family gatherings, cookouts). Not all these women are present at any given gathering at the same time so some of them have never met–-my “daughter from another mother”/ex-coworker knows no one in the group except my daughter. Our commonalities (single, Black, female, mothers) provides us with a sense of safety and a trust that is growing and expanding each time we find ourselves together. They all know that I have been a single mother at different periods of my life and this also gives them a sense of safety when expressing themselves openly with me. We have had numerous open and honest discussions about several different topics at many different times and in various settings.
55 CJ, the youngest member of the circle, is thirty years old and a mother of one three-year- old son. She currently lives with her mother and step-father while she saves to get her own home. She has a cordial relationship with her son’s father and his family and they play a role in her son’s life. CJ has a master’s degree in Mental Health and at the time of our interview she was an intake specialist in a mental health facility but by the time we had our group video chat, she had resigned and gotten a new life (an amazing story to be told in Chapter 4). I just want to be happy. I want to get in tune, I want to get my finances in check. I want a home for my son and me to live as organically as possible, grow and build, and to have a hustle on the side to where I don’t have to worry about finances. I feel like until I do that, I got to break people off because they are distracting me. They are distracting me because I’m in pain and when you’re in pain you don’t see anything else but pain. It’s like you tunnel. --CJ, Interview, December 2017 Monica is thirty-one years old and lives on her own with her nine-year-old daughter. She and the father of her child have a relationship that keeps their daughter as the focus even though they are not a couple. She has a bachelor’s degree in Sociology and works as Operations Coordinator for a facility that serves terminally ill patients and their families. I believe that many years ago the idea of being a mother had a specific makeup... there was specific criteria to being a mother, you know—you have your husband, you have a home, you have a family. Nowadays the idea of family and the idea of being a mother has completely changed and I think not everyone has caught up to that idea, not everyone is up to speed. --Monica, Interview, December 2017 CherryB is thirty-three years old and a mother of three girls ages two, four, and seven. She describes her relationship with her children’s father as distant because he lives a few states away, has another family, but she feels it would be different if they were closer in distance. CherryB is a licensed cosmetologist and co-owner of a local hair salon. In the fall of 2017, she earned her associate degree in Graphic Design. “One thing you should always remember is just allow God to guide your footsteps and just pray and ask for guidance. If you don’t have faith, you don’t have nothin’!” --CherryB, Interview, December 2017 AnnaN is a thirty-one-year-old mother of three girls. Her first two daughters share the same father who, along with his family, plays an active role in their lives. For the first ten years
56 of their parenting relationship, it was typical for the girls to spend time with their dad and his family bi-weekly and on some holidays. However, in the last year, AnnaN and the father have developed a co-parenting relationship that allows them to hang out together and take all three girls on family outings. They even share the same living quarters occasionally as he lives in a nearby city. So, there are times when they all gather in one home or the other on weekends. Her youngest daughter has a different father who is estranged from her. His family, once barely active in the life of this little one, has also become estranged as they felt they were enabling him to be distant by standing in his stead. AnnaN is co-owner of the salon with CherryB and is a licensed cosmetologist and licensed cosmetology instructor. Being a single mother is good but it’s good that they have the other parent as well. That other parent is single as well. Sometimes they’re not but it’s important that the kids see “we got mom and dad over here.” We’re cordial and make them feel good. It’s not their fault they’re here. They didn’t ask to come so it’s our priority to be sure they are okay and we setting up a good life for them and a future and not holding ourselves back from being a better parent or being a better person because of the circumstances we’ve been through or anything. Just gotta come out strong. --AnnaN, Interview, December 2017. MOAK is thirty-three years old and a mother of one two-year old son. She and her son’s father are in a relationship as they cohabit and co-parent. She attended college for a period and also is a licensed nail technician. She owned and operated her own nail salon while working full- time as a paraprofessional until her son was born when she closed her salon. She continues to work as a paraprofessional in a local school district. I did NOT even want to be a mother after my mom died because it was like not having that…that parachute. Like I’m jumping out of a plane and I don’t have anything to come up under me to make sure I float to the bottom instead of just crashing. And for me that was the scary thing. She’s not here to be that wind beneath your wings for you. She‘s not here to help you glide this out. But an eagle can only be shot down when it’s flying too low so I’ve gotta fly high because if I don’t fly high, my son is gonna always fly low and he was born with a mark on him so I’ve gotta make sure…you know... that the arrow never hits him. --MOAK, Interview, December 2017 The Purpose for Participation Transformed
57 I never asked the women to have an intention for participating in the study other than offering them an opportunity to tell their story. I told them, I wanted to tell their stories of how they journeyed toward I Got This!—a way of seeing themselves as successful mothers against all odds. They agreed but as the study unfolded, so did our purpose for this work. After the individual interviews, I had extensive conversations with each participant during which we shared mutual gratitude for the time we had spent together (Glesne, 2011). Those conversations happened as soon as we turned off the recorder and others even came up in multiple and subsequent phone calls and text messages days, weeks, and months after the interviews from which I took notes (with their permission) on statements they made that were remarkable. Overwhelmingly, the women decided that this was more than an opportunity to share their stories, it was an opportunity for us to begin a movement that would support families in the journey to healing by securing, uplifting, and naming ourselves. Some of their comments were as follows: MOAK called me a week after her interview as she and her son traveled to Atlanta, Georgia to visit family for the December holidays. [MOAK] Ma, I can’t stop thinking about those questions! Ma, I really need to do the whole interview again! [Me] Why? Do you feel you have different responses now that it’s over? [MOAK] No, I just want to do it all again! It was like therapy. I have not taken time to think on that level about those topics in so long. It was wonderful! Can we do it again? Same questions. [Me - laughing] Girl, you crazy!! [MOAK] No, Ma. I’m so serious! That was amazing! Moments after the interview with AnnaN ended, she suggested that we begin putting together the group reflection and even began planning out the appetizers. [AnnaN] Ma, that was fun! What’s next? Did you say we were doing a group meeting? [Me] Yes, a group reflection. I have to figure out what I want us to talk about after I transcribe all these interviews. [AnnaN] Okay, how many more interviews you need to do? [Me] Two. [AnnaN] Did everybody schedule? [Me] All except CherryB. She had to change hers because she’s going out of town this weekend.
58 [AnnaN] Let me call her. [she calls CherryB and CherryB answers]. Hey. You schedule your interview yet? Can you get it done before you go? Ma need to get this done before her break is over so we can go on to the next step. When can you come? [CherryB] I can come Friday morning, I leave Saturday. [AnnaN] Okay. Thanks! We say goodbye to CherryB and AnnaN continues. [AnnaN] So, I was thinking we could have some dips and maybe a veggie tray for appetizers. (We both laugh out loud) You know I’m always thinking about the food. [Me] Okay, let me get these all done and transcribed and we’ll get that part together. She agrees, we hug and she leaves for work as I float off on cloud nine. Two days later CherryB has her interview as she prepares to leave for work, we quickly talk about what’s next and she suggests: [CherryB] Ms. Robin, this is going to take off. There are so many single mothers who need to be a part of something like this. We can invite other people in. This guy asked me to go on the road with him doing speaking engagements about male/female relationships. We could even include the men. I’m so excited! What’s next? [Me] After I get these all transcribed and see where we need to go next, we can meet together as a whole group and discuss that. [CherryB] I can’t wait! This is so needed. We talk a little more, hug, and she leaves for work. I let out a scream of celebration as this is now beginning to take the same shape and purpose of what had been birthed in my heart as a result of years of living, teaching and dreaming of family building projects and it was happening in what seemed to be some spiritually intentional but miraculous way—like an intervention from the Divine ancestors. CJ, and I began our interview after five on the evening of December 22nd and at 10:30 p.m. we remembered that we had not eaten dinner so I warmed up some vegetable soup I had made and we ate and continued our conversation until just after midnight. CJ thought the process was phenomenal and helped her speak her life plan into existence. She became excited by the potential of this process of questioning.
59 [CJ] Girl, you doing some therapy! Auntie Robin, when you ask all those questions, it makes you dig deep. I was becoming in tune [before the interview] but I feel like speaking it...having it come out of me--because that’s what you do, you start to daydream it, then you start to write it out but then you need to start speaking it out and I feel like this is the first time that I’ve spoken it out—this makes it more real because you speak it into existence. I want to speak that I’m going to learn the knowledge and get the income that I want. Consequently, CJ did quit her stressful, oppressive job and within a week had landed a better paying job with more flexible hours just as she desired. She was ecstatic and emotional when she reported that to the group during our video chat-reflections session. I did not know that “It [would] not be uncommon...to receive words of gratitude from the respondents who are pleased with the opportunity for the profound, prolonged expression of personal views that…[the] interviews afford” (Glesne, 2011, p. 123) but I was grateful to experience it. Because I have an established relationship with the participants, I am familiar with their ways of using the language—their codes—which leads to increased insight and genuine findings (Shank, 2006). I do not have to spend time trying to decode their language, nuances, or expressions and, therefore, can recognize when they may be holding back information (and when I can dig deeper), when they are being playful, or need to talk in private. Qualitative research is often defined as “research in natural settings” (Shank, 2006, p. 4) and I am a part of these women’s natural setting and the bonds already formed in our circle make me an insider who is privy to a wealth of information and their knowledge on this phenomenon. As the women reviewed their stories they were in awe and total acceptance of how I captured their unspoken words and the meanings behind some of their statements and expressions. During a phone conversation as I read her a draft of her story MOAK exclaimed, “Ma! I can’t believe you heard that. Yes, that’s exactly what I meant, I thought I was rambling. I can’t believe you understood that!” (March 3, 2018). When this study was introduced to the mothers, they were told that their identities could be anonymized and they agreed to this. After participating in the individual conversations or interviews and following our group video conference, each participant decided they no longer wanted to be anonymous and that, in fact, they wanted their identities shared. They felt that what we had walked into was destined to become a social justice movement for families and being a
60 part of a movement that would transform was something they wanted. That being said, I acknowledge their desire to be transparent but honor my commitment to IRB to use pseudonyms that allow these mothers to maintain anonymity. There will be a time and space for them to stand boldly in their stories--they will make certain we get to that! Recruitment Process/Procedures The original contacts with the mothers were informal and when I would see them at the salon, at school, a party, or gathering, I would ask them if they would consider being a part of a study on single Black millennial mothers and they each suggested they would. Along the way, I often reminded them that this goal was soon going to develop into a plan and I would keep them abreast of the changes. They were okay with the waiting period because three of them had just opened a hair salon in June, and all five of them were busy with their jobs, personal lives, and children. As the process began, I assured them that I was engaged in all the preparatory steps necessary to get to our work together (i.e. IRB, IRB revisions, literature review) so they would keep the commitment in their overwhelmingly busy minds. Having been a single mother, I could identify with needing several reminders--life gets so hectic and well-meant intentions can get lost in the daily grind. The day my proposal was accepted by my committee, I texted the mothers and shared my sheer excitement. I had jumped off the cliff of hopes and dreams into the reality of this work actually beginning. While I was overwhelmed with joy, I was filled with uncertainty as I had no real understanding about the many steps included in the upcoming process. Yet, I invited them to share in this celebration with me. My first group text to them (April 2017): Hey y’all!!! I just had my research proposal accepted by the dissertation committee!!! Yay! Our project will be beginning later this year! Probably in the fall. I’ll keep you posted! Participants’ responses: Yaaaaasssss!, Yay!, Congratulations!, Ok then, Ms. Robin!, That’s what’s up, Ma! Second group text from me (June 2017) stated: Hey ladies! I’m excited that you have agreed to participate in my research study I Got This! The plan is that we will meet individually to talk through the interview questions and then meet as a group at least once. I’ll let you know more as we get closer to the date. Thanks
61 Participants’ responses: They each responded quickly and briefly, i.e. ok, can’t wait, thanks, I’m in. My third group text to them (September 2017) stated: Hey everyone! I am approved to begin the research study but I have reading and a chapter to write before I can begin plus I need to get this school year off the ground. I’ll get back with you in a month or so and we’ll begin the meetings. Yaaay! Thanks. Participants’ responses: Again, their responses were quick and brief, i.e. ok, just lmk (let me know), np (no problem), yay!. The fourth group text (December 8, 2017) said: Hey y’all. I am ready to begin the individual interviews and would like to get them done over my winter break. Pick your date during the weeks of December 15th -29th and get back to me. We can meet at my place or I can come to you. We just need a quiet spot where we can talk for about 1-2 uninterrupted hours together. Participants’ responses: Within the following week each participant had scheduled a time to meet and they all decided they wanted to come to my place for the discussion. The fifth text (December 15, 2017) was to one who had not yet been asked to participate. I was hoping she could take the place of the original participant who was expecting a baby in the next two weeks (we both agreed the timeline and commitments would probably not work for her). This text said: Hey CJ. I hope you are well. I am doing research for my dissertation and was wondering if you might be interested in participating. Give me a call when you get a chance and let’s talk about it. Love you, Auntie Robin. Participant’s response: Within hours, she called me and as I was explaining the project to her she commented that as I spoke, she was getting chills because she had just been engaged in conversation at dinner (hours before our call) about her struggles as a single mother. We agreed it was divine intervention and she set the date for her interview the next week. Institutional Review Board Protocol The research protocol was reviewed and approved by the Miami University Institutional Review Board (see Appendix), with institutional review board protocols being administered for the protection of human subjects. This protocol included a complete explanation and written description about the purpose, the method, the potential risks and benefits of
62 participation in the study, and the protection of confidentiality. Each respondent was given an opportunity to ask questions and decline or agree to participate in the study. Upon meeting with mothers, I provided an overview of the dissertation objectives, gave each respondent a copy of the informed consent form and proceeded to read the consent form to each individual encouraging them to ask any question before the interview began. Each respondent signed two consent forms prior to their interview—one form was given to those who agreed to participate and I kept one, which was placed in a secured file box. All respondents supplied a pseudonym to assure their privacy. Upon completion of each interview, tapes, interview data, and consent forms were stored in a secure file cabinet. Respondents received a thank you note and chose a children’s book to share with their children as incentive for their participation after the completion of all three interviews. Data Recording Methods My data recording methods included in-depth semi-structured interviews with individual follow-up discussions (initiated by participants regarding transcripts or to share more thoughts), memo writing, video chat group reflections, group text messages, and general observations. Providing multiple opportunities for dialogue with and between these mothers helped me capture both their individual and collective stories from different angles and through varied lenses. As a result, I was able to find the common themes, see the differences in their experiences, then weave them into one project that shares their stories both singularly and as a group. The data recording methods were responsive to their unique needs and honored their lack of unencumbered time as single mothers. At the start of each interview, the participant was given a packet that included a copy of the consent form and a background information sheet. They were asked to read, complete, and sign the documents and return them to me. Each mother was given an identical packet along with a copy of the interview questions to keep for their records. I did no note taking during the interviews (I literally put the paper and pen on the coffee table) because my goal was to maintain connection and presence with the mothers, as well as making sure I was “feeling them” or remaining in touch with their emotions during the process—some of the topics explored in the questions had to potential to evoke strong emotion. All my note taking was done via recording and memo writing following the interviews as I replayed the session in my mind.
63 All the data collected during the interview process was obtained and stored using paper documents and audio recordings. The interviews were transcribed by me and each participant was provided with a copy of their audio file and transcribed document via email. They were all asked to review the materials and alter them as needed. All audio and video recordings were deleted after transcription, texts were deleted, and all other documents--transcripts, and notes--will be managed by me and shall be the property of mine. These documents will be stored on an external hard drive for a period of three years after the study has been completed (May, 2021). Once all the face-to-face interviews were completed, I conducted a group video chat-reflections session with all five of the mothers in the group chat. I recorded the video chat with the consent of the women and transcribed it as well. Semi-structured Interviews All the interviews were conducted at my home within a seven-day period from December 16, 2017 through December 22, 2017 at various times of day. The participants chose the location and time of their interviews and I made myself available (which was not a problem because I was on winter recess from my job) and two had to reschedule due to sudden changes in their work schedule on the initial interview date. Each mother had complete privacy as there was no one in the house except the two of us during our time together. Participants were given the opportunity to choose to sit at the dining room table or in the living room area—where two sofas face one another. They all chose to sit in the living room on the sofa and some sat erect while others grabbed a blanket and reclined on the sofa. Sometimes we lit the fireplace. Although the mothers were asked to set aside up to two hours for the interview, the interviews lasted anywhere from one and a half to three hours. None of the participants left my home directly following their interviews—staying around to talk further about what they had just experienced and what was next. CherryB’s interview lasted over two hours and she even paused the interview to move a client down a half hour so that we could continue. I offered the option to stop and pick back up later in the day but she wanted to continue. When she left for work, she forgot her jacket in the closet, she returned later in the day to get it and we talked some more. She stated, “Ma, I have been talking about this interview all day long at work! We can take this so far! There are so many people who need this!” (CherryB, Reflection, December 2017). CJ stayed and talked for five hours past her two-hour interview and we ate a bowl of my homemade vegetable soup together at 10:30 p.m. when we finally remembered we hadn’t eaten dinner.
64 MOAK and I went to Target after our three-hour interview and she just continued to talk about how those interview questions really helped her, “Ma, I want to do my interview again! Can you ask me those same questions again, please? That really helped me deal with some things and think things through” (MOAK, Reflection, December 2017). We met for breakfast one Saturday morning two weeks following the interview and she shared more thoughts she had since the interview. MOAK called me one evening upset about a personal matter and how it would affect her ability to mother her son. She came over that night and we spent the evening together— ending up, once again, in discussion about the interview questions and her thoughts on some of the topics. Two weeks later, she called me to discuss a dream she had about her mother which led her to believe she needed to make changes to her manuscript. I recorded memos on all these follow-up sessions and kept them in a binder with her interview transcription. When she provided me the revised transcript, I destroyed the old hard copy. Video Group Chats & Group Text Messaging as group reflection Discussions After transcribing all the interview, I felt overwhelmed and just wanted this to end but, I knew I had told the ladies about the focus group and they were excited and hungry for more. I wrestled with the idea of having a focus group session (and what exactly it would focus on) and canceling the session and just using the data I had collected from the individual interviews to form the dissertation. I toyed with these thoughts for the entire month of January as I combed through the data and one day following meditation, I felt lead to hold the focus group as more of a group reflection by video chat. I did not even know what questions I wanted to ask until the day before when Spirit told me to simply ask the mothers what thoughts they have had since the interviews about the topics we discussed. For millennials, the use of technology is second nature and is how they communicate on a regular basis in many of their relationships from appointment setting for the business owner, scheduling hand-off of children to the other parent, to making purchases and paying bills. With the hectic lifestyles of these single mothers, finding a time to meet in one location at the same time was difficult to say the least. Arranging childcare, juggling work schedules, family events, sick children, and the like made sitting down in one room nearly impossible for us. Therefore, the use of technology in the form of group texts and group video chats became the perfect option for us. Our ground rules were simply a) we respect the privacy of each other by wearing a
65 headset so that the comments of each participant would be confidential and b) no one would discuss information shared in the circle outside the group meetings. There was one video group chat session held in February and several text message threads—mostly used to share feedback on the interviews and video group chat session. Text messaging was also used to coordinate meetings and discuss other opportunities to gather for group events. After the interviews, the mothers in who participated in this study began to suggest other ways this group could function for the benefit of them, their families, and other families headed by single parents. As a member of the group, I was compelled to observe the transformation of this project from solely research to a movement designed partially by the research participants. Tentative plans have been made to continue meeting for various reasons (i.e. yoga, creating a visual representation of the journey to I Got This! However, other than the video group chat, there have been no other group sessions to date. Data Analysis The process of data analysis for a qualitative researcher is more “active and interactive” (Shank, 2006, p. 146) because we see our data as more than a set of facts and numbers or stepping stones toward theory building and more like dialogue. I found myself treating my data as if they were my adult offspring in that we’d go days or sometimes even weeks without in- depth communication. Instead we might share just a “text message” or quick conversation to touch base—with my data it was like jotting down a note or thought or what Glesne (2011) calls “memo writing” (p. 189). Even when I wasn’t sure where the thought came from or that it related to the research, I would write it down. I would find the memo at what seemed like just the right time and it would speak perfectly to my research. Still using the metaphor of my offspring, there are times when we get together and spend hours in deep engagement complete with long-winded stories shared with one another eye-to-eye in the same room or on video chat. I had those sessions with my data too. There were many of those long-winded moments spent together with my data—lying in bed listening to audio again, reading notes and transcription documents again, adding more information to or creating another data chart, or reading text messages again—ongoing data analysis (Glesne, 2011). I created and used charts to search through and organize the data for thematic analysis. The interview question topics became the codes for comparing and establishing patterns in the responses of these mothers. In my first sweep through the data I was busy looking for the
66 similarities but as I revisited the data and my analysis continued, I began to see the “tensions and distinctions” (Glesne, 2011, p.188) that showed the dissimilarities in their responses and stories. I had dreams and vision at night and during early morning meditation that seemed to speak to questions I had about how to share these conversations I was having with the data. Interpreting those dreams often led me to a deeper understanding of or next steps for my research study. Out of my intuitive Self/Spirit, I would get reminders of passages I had read that would beautifully connect and ground my findings as I picked through piles of data as if looking for a needle in a haystack. bell hooks (2015) supports the Black woman’s tradition of spiritual practices, dreaming, and dream interpretation as means to greater understanding and guidance when we are on a new life journey. Yes, that’s exactly what this entire research process is for me—a new life journey.
67 Chapter 4: Results: E Pluribus Unum--Out of Many, One: The Shared Narratives
The fact that the adult American Negro female emerges a formidable character is often met with amazement, distaste and even belligerence. It is seldom accepted as an inevitable outcome of the struggle won by survivors, and deserves respect if not enthusiastic acceptance. ~ Maya Angelou~
Great Again? There is no USA without US
Make America great again? What is that? You mean greater than it was when strange fruit hung from trees, blood-soaked leaves fall summer, spring, and winter…yeah, please! Make America great again? Like it was when? When babies were cut from black wombs, Discarded like garbage, no tombs— while your babies hung from breasts of still traumatized lactating mothers suckling and feeding on stolen natural immunizations? Mammies and maids exclaiming, “You is smart, you is kind, you is important” to your children while your concentration was on the destruction of their lineage—a Black nation, that was gang raped, pillaged, suffered mass assassinations, then subjected to the new slavery—mass incarceration. Send our boys off to die in wars, on walks to stores, shot through car doors dead inside even if they come home, still no free-dome full of grief, no relief, Kalief terrorized into death or a lifetime of painful livin’,
68 suffering from learned helplessness anxiety ridden, angry and depressed mothers left to carry the load then demonized and blamed for being bold and mighty, like the goddess of beauty, fertility, and sexual love, Aphrodite yet, ready to fight anything and anyone who dare to harm her young... persecuted for her thunderous tongue. Meanwhile you’ve slain anyone who stood in the way of your greed, and continue planting seeds of hatred with white privilege growing like a mighty weed Choking the life out of this nation loud and proud proclaimin’ “Make America great again!” But when was it ever made great at your hands? Single Black mothers stand, and know that the hand rocking the cradles of this grand ole land was and is your hand. Fact check that!
Single parenting in a society that is monolithic in its definition of healthy families can be a struggle in and of itself as there is a stigma attached to anything that looks different from that standard and many assumptions that go along with not matching up to the ideal. For example, scholars (Barrett & Turner, 2005; Gonzalez, Jones, Kincaid, & Cuellar, 2012) have told the story of single Black mothers raising children who suffer innumerable deficits and a dismal future
69 including teen pregnancy, drug abuse, low self-esteem, crime, and other plagues. Those narratives are destructive, demeaning, and incomplete. Not the stories of my lived experience as a single mother and not the stories of the single, Black millennial mothers in this study who so graciously allow us into their world. To the contrary, the counter narratives told by the mothers who participated in this study contribute to the new dialogue that is giving voice to Black single mothers—providing opportunities to challenge those negative and stereotypical images. Raising themselves up to speak out on this platform, by any and every means necessary, they secure, uplift, and name themselves as self-efficacious first teachers of their children because they know no one else is more qualified to do so. Scholars (Bell, 2003; Delgado, 1989) suggests there is danger in a single story because it is often accepted as the only Truth and that counter storytelling can benefit the oppressed–-in the form of healing, clarity of intent (who benefits) for the story, and promoting solidarity and activism–-as well as the oppressor by helping them see a different reality and challenging their assumptions. Stories can build and they can destroy. As my grandmother would say, “I got a song, you got a song, all God’s chillun got a song” and what is a song but a story put to rhythm. Everyone’s life is a song, a rhythmic story to behold and be told. These single Black millennial mothers were eager to share their song in rhythmic story and it is my pleasure to ensure their stories are heard. Stories are important. They keep us alive. In the ships, in the camps, in the quarters, field, prisons, on the road, on the run, underground, under siege, in the throes, on the verge – the storyteller snatches us back from the edge to hear the next chapter. In which we are the subjects. We, the hero of the tales. Our lives preserved. How it was, how it be. Passing it along in the relay. That is what I work to do: to produce stories that save our lives. (Bambara, 1984). In this chapter, I share the stories in response to my three research questions. During the process of data analysis, choice emerges as the foundational principle of the I got this philosophy—system of knowing which guides the behaviors of these mothers. Six themes that are common to the five mothers present as they tell the stories that describe the lived experiences that present challenges to and contribute to their parental efficaciousness. Those themes are: 1. Choosing to embrace single motherhood 2. Choosing to secure their children
70 3. Choosing to determine their own identity 4. Choosing to determine their own worth 5. Choosing to determine their own destiny 6. Choosing to give and accept support What I found to be so fascinating is how the notion of choice finally jumped out at me as I repeatedly engaged with the data and that choice is a central tenet of self-efficacy in that it is synonymous to agency or control over personal action that causes an event (Bandura, 1997; Collins, 2009; hooks, 2000; Schwarzer, 1992). One who is self-efficacious is aware of their ability to determine their own destiny (Collins, 2009) and shape their own life in the midst of challenges (hooks, 2000). The themes that emerged can all be categorized as choices the mothers made as it became clear to me that the participants did not wish to be seen as victims of someone else’s choices for them. To the contrary, they honor themselves as grown women who have made some choices and are prepared to take responsibility for the choices they made while still creating greatness in their lives and preparing their offspring to do the same. They have “fashioned their own ideas about the meaning of Black womanhood” (Collins, 2009, p.13) using the teachings (positive and not so positive) of ancestors, their own lived experiences, and those of other mothers--what Collins calls “oppositional knowledges”(Collins, 2009, p.13). The research questions will not be addressed in any particular order as the responses to each are interwoven into each mothers individual story as well as their shared stories. The research questions are: Q1: How do these single Black millennial mothers describe the lived experiences that contribute to and present challenges to their developing a sense of 'I Got This' or self-efficacy as first teachers of their children? Q2: How do the narratives told by these mothers chronicle their journey to 'I Got This' or self- efficacy belief as their children's first teachers? Q3: What do the stories of these mothers reveal about their collective and individual experiences in developing an 'I Got This' self-efficacy belief in themselves as first teachers of their children?
71
Theme 1: Choosing To Embrace Being A Single Mother
“It’s Your Thing, Do What You Wanna Do” ~Isley Brothers~
Statistics report (Nielsen, 2017) that fifty percent of non-Hispanic White women are married, twenty-five percent of Black women are married, forty-nine percent of Black women have never been married, twenty-five percent of the total population of Black women are millennials (ages 18-34), and eighty-one percent of black millennial women have never been married. At first glance, these statistics might appear to be all negative—bad news for these mothers—but in speaking with the women in this study, it is not all bad. Even though each of the women clearly expressed a desire to be in a committed relationship (married or with a monogamous partner) rather than being single, this desire had nothing to do with being “legitimized” or “proper” but with a desire for companionship, a partnership, and love. Monica has marriage as a goal for herself but only if the relationship is one that is healthy and provides a positive image of what her daughter should expect for herself. MOAK says she would like to be in a committed marriage but also sees that being single has some perks, Being single you get more done. You have more time, more space, more freedom. You don’t have to feel like “Well, I’ve gotta let them know they’re important... I’ve got to let them know I care…I’ve got to let them know I’m here... well let me spend time with them before they start thinking I don’t love them”. Yet, she admits that, “sometimes you just want the adult affection that you can’t get from your child.” CherryB also shared her desire to be married describing her future mate as her “prince”, Being single is definitely a challenge. Um...you know, it’s like sometimes I just wake up in the morning and I feel like I need that help and it’s hard. I don’t want to be single. You gonna have to go through those frogs or whatever just to get to your prince and I’ve been through enough frogs so, hopefully my prince comes soon. CJ says that she would like to be in a committed relationship and feels being single has an effect on how she is seen at work. She speaks of being the only Black person at her job and 72 feels as if she has the image of “the Black girl with the baby”. Of course, this could be seen by others as just her perspective, but with so many other obvious situations at work where she feels she is treated unfairly (i.e. lower salary for more education and experience, more workload), she is certain it is not just her imagination running away with her. She says, unlike her white female peers with husbands or partners, she has to be at work even when she may need to stay home with her son and her job uses this against her. She explains, “I find that I’m struggling where I want to stay home with my child but as a black woman you’re the provider so you can’t, yeah. I mean I don’t know. I want a companion.” Like CJ, AnnaN is open to being in a loving, committed relationship and admits it is not easy being single, but definitely embraces being single at this point in time, Being single is a lot of pressure on me because I have to make sure that the whole household is in order. Certain things I have to do that’s priority. And it’s just me. If a man comes along YAY…. And if you [a man] got to go, you got to go and I’m still gonna be okay. People get cut off like that [snaps her finger]. She uses hand gestures to demonstrate what she means as she speaks about where she is, where she’s going, and where a potential mate needs to be to grow her or grow with her. If I got to be up here by myself okay cool cuz then I’ll meet someone just as high as me or somebody who wants to elevate [with] me...higher. You have to be on my level or above me to help me get up there cause I’m going higher so if you down here and you staying right here you’ll get left behind. These mothers say they have witnessed family members and friends suffer through loveless, unhealthy marriages and that they have also been in relationships that were not beneficial to their well-being. Several of the mothers admit that at times and for various reasons they too fell into habits of making choices that caused them more distress. They feel there was a time in their lives when they had accepted the negative stories which labels them undesired and undesirable and were going along with the script “play[ing] the part” as CJ referred to it. However, they are rising above those past learned behaviors—that are so deeply ingrained into our psyche as Blacks in America (Ladson-Billings, 2009)—and learning to make wiser, more self-affirming choices for their lives. As a result, they have made a choice not to marry until they are in a relationship that is good for all parties involved. The single mothers who participated in this study feel that they deserve to be loved by whole men and will no longer
73 settle for less than that. To speak idiomatically, the old adage ‘half a loaf of bread is better than no bread at all’ does not ‘cut the mustard’ with these women. For them, they have decided it’s ‘all or nothing’ when it comes to deciding on a long-term or marital relationship because they have discovered that anything less is just adding more stress to an already difficult task of raising children. In their own words they speak about it. AnnaN says, Some men who don’t take their life seriously. Men who already have kids out here that they don’t take care of. Men who don’t have jobs. Men who are in the streets. Men in the clubs, wanting to sell drugs. Then there are good men out here but the good ones want the white women or they gay or we don’t like them. They disrespectful. They too macho. They think they got it all together. It’s the way men are changing that is forcing women to not even want them or [choosing to] live without them. Monica puts it like this, “It’s like you know, changes…times have changed. So, you know, you don’t have to be miserable just to say, ‘Well, we’re a family’.” CJ says, “ I don’t want someone toxic that is not in tune with me. I have this child that I have to protect.” MOAK spoke of not dealing with a man who is not whole as that is not beneficial to her child. She says, “Single is different from being single with a child –single solo only affects you. Single plus 1, plus 2, plus 3, plus 4 …you can’t do that to those babies, you can’t have everybody around your kids…male or female.” Without question, these mothers have often had to step boldly into single motherhood and take the journey toward self-efficacy as parents and first teachers of their children speaking the positive affirmations such as “I got this!” to themselves and sometimes their children. Still, as they learn to embrace single motherhood, these beautiful, ambitious, determined mothers have not given up on love or plans for being part of loving family units. Even though some of them feel they conceived during a time in their lives when they were chronologically younger and less mature or as AnnaN says when she was in “an immature state of mind”, they did not get or feel physically, psychologically, or spiritually forced into marriage—what used to be called “shotgun weddings”. They and the fathers of their children had choices and they exercised them. Monica speaks about growing up during a period when the expectation of marriage was no longer a prerequisite for being a mother, I think there was a time and I can’t even put a year on it but as I was growing up—had to have been maybe junior high or high school—there was a shift where there were a lot
74 more girls that were becoming pregnant that weren’t married, that were still in high school, still living with their parents, not married to the guy who they were pregnant by. So, I think the more that happened, the more frequent that we saw that the look on marriage [and] the look on being a mother shifted. And that all happened when I was growing up. So, my outlook on it was “hey it’s not the best thing but don’t shame yourself if this does happen. You know, there’s no law that says you can’t have this child and you can’t be successful and be single.” I mean just because there was this template in the past it doesn’t mean it can’t be broken and it doesn’t mean that’s the way it has to stay. I think a part of growing and a part of life is evolution. So, I think that’s kind of what happened is that role shifted as I was growing up. So, being a single mother for me my outlook was just way different. In my personal experience as a single parent, I found it is was often my children who helped me embrace my status encouraging me with their love and admiration as they seemed to blindly believe in my ability to do the job. The children often inspire us to become our best version of ourselves and encourage us to become self-efficacious mothers and first teachers (hooks, 1994; Freire, 2006; Gumbs, Martens, Williams, 2016; Matias, 2016). These mothers definitely believe this to be true. CJ speaks of “not having an identity” before her son and that she is just beginning to explore who she is and wants to be outside of her role as mother and her career in the mental health profession. She smiles and even laughs while remembering an obviously stressful time in her pregnancy. While in the hell of an emotionally abusive relationship, there was a pivotal point in time when her unborn child brought her to the place of embracing motherhood, When I was crying those nights, he was kicking. When I was saying I wish I didn’t have this baby he would push like “Hey girl, I’m here”. It happened one night and I said I don’t want to be pregnant but I was so far along--8 months. He kicked and was like “Look, I’m here and here to stay!” I love my son with every fiber in my bone and I kiss on him, cherish him, and I say ‘I love you’ every day because I feel that is what he needs. Relaxing on my sofa wrapped in a cozy blanket and staring off, MOAK recalls how she felt when she found out she was going to be a mother, I remember being pregnant and I’m like, “Okay.” First, I did not even want to be a mother after my mom died because it was just...having that…that parachute…like I’m
75 jumping out of a plane and I don’t have anything to come up under me to make sure I float to the bottom instead of just crashing. And...um...for me that was the scary thing. She’s not here to be that wind beneath your wings for you, she‘s not here to help you glide this out and maybe that’s a good thing because maybe I would have become one of those mothers, just always dependent on that glide, or who never tried to figure it out for myself, you know, never forced myself to push myself out of my comfort zone. When I got pregnant with my son, some things started changing spiritually and physically... mentally as well. Straightening her back and sitting up tall, she spoke of how she believes God and her son both chose her to mother him, how honored she is to “have this opportunity to mother him”, and how she often looks at her son and says, “You chose me...You chose me!” CherryB shares that she struggles with being a single parent to the point of “frustration” and “anxiety sometimes” but has accepted that “[s]ingle is what it is…just you by yourself in general and you try to figure out ways around it but you just gotta keep going.” With a look of resolve and a gentle gaze, she says, “I just wake up in the morning and I feel like I need that help and it’s hard but I can’t give up on them because they’re all that I have.” AnnaN also expresses feelings that her children have brought out the best in her and thrusted her forward on her journey to self-efficacy as a parent and first teacher. She states, It made me a better person too—being a single black mother. I’m not doing the best but I’m doing good and it’s a process. Yeah, parenting made me a better person. Having kids, I think I cared more about looking toward the future and not just what’s going on today or living for the moment. It was more like “I got to get myself together for later” where I wasn’t thinking about that before, I guess. I was too young to be thinking about all that but it [motherhood] helps me think about that a little more. These women share the disappointment that in some cases things did not quite work with them and the fathers of their children but the bottom line, as AnnaN put it, is that no matter what men choose to do, “our lives are ours to own and we have to take responsibility for the choices we make”.
76 Theme 2: Choosing to Secure the Children
“I used to say ‘I’ and ‘me’. Now, it’s ‘us’. Now, it’s ‘we’.” from “Ben”
The women in this study discuss several factors that they believe contribute to their being self-efficacious single mothers. One of which is their own agency--their choice to focus on their wellbeing and safety and that of their children and the actions they took to do so (Bandura, 1997; Collins, 2009; Schwarzer, 1992). Although they each seemed to remember how different it was being single before children, they all seemed to agree that was then and this is now. Now that they are mothers, these women believe it is important to model healthy behaviors and relationships for their children and have learned to do just that—even if it took some of them (as AnnaN, CJ, and CherryB share) a little time to get to that point. For example, when speaking about dating in general, CJ stated, I find myself struggling with being single whereas before I could just pick up and go. Right now, my number one priority is my son. So, I feel like if it [dating/relationship] doesn’t align with that priority then I won’t do it. Following that same mindset, CherryB responded, “I would like to have someone in my life but the fact that I have three girls that’s the real challenge because you really can’t have too many people around your kids. You have to choose.” AnnaN expressed the same sentiment, Another thing is us bringing men around our kids and not knowing for sure if they are for the right. We’re taking a chance on how [safe] they [our children] feel emotionally based off the people we choose to be around. It’s just important that single mothers stay single because these men ain’t ready. Scholars (Collins, 2000; hooks, 2015; Lorde, 1984; Reese, 2005) have discussed various contributors to high numbers of single Black women and troubled relationship between Black men and Black women. These and other scholars suggest there are several factors that create chaos in Black love relationships. A few of them include a) patriarchal thinking, b) Blacks adopting those norms that do not work for us—i.e. male dominance and female submissiveness, and c) generations of unattended to pain brought on by American slavery, systemic oppression,
77 and institutionalized racism embedded in the policies and practices of organizations that act as support for the Black family. Having all experienced this chaos in unhealthy relationships at some points in their lives, these mothers have decided that as first teachers of their children another way they secure their offspring is by teaching them, by example, not to settle for a bad relationship just to say they have one. MOAK says she refuses to be in a relationship that was violent or simply not loving. She states, “He [her son] has to know love. You have to know that love is real. Like it’s a real unconditional thing from real unconditional people.” Some of the mothers have even walked away from relationships with the father of their child or children if it threatens the well-being of the little ones. Monica spoke to that saying, It goes back to that relationship and what kind of relationships that you want your daughter to grow up seeing or your son grow up seeing. Do you want to stick to a relationship that’s not necessarily healthy or do you want to teach them you don’t have to be miserable just to say “Well, we’re a family”. Your answer for you accepting specific behavior should never be “I do it for the kids” because that’s only going to teach them – just take anything because you’re doing it for somebody else. You have to show them that, hey, you still have to own a part of yourself and your own identity. You have to say, “Hey, I’m not happy this is not something I should accept so this is the situation. Daddy is doing this, Mommy is gonna do this. We still love you the same but Mommy doesn’t feel good when Daddy treats me this way or when Daddy says this to me so it’s best and it’s healthier for me to move on and for us to share you”. She even makes sure her daughter understands that she does not have to remain in any situation that makes her uncomfortable. During our interview while discussing domestic violence, Monica says, We don’t have a lot of it [domestic violence] around us but even if it’s not being done to me and it’s around--you know we might be hanging out with friends or she may go and stay the night at someone else’s house who may have a live-in boyfriend or girlfriend— it’s like you know “If you see this or you feel uncomfortable make sure you call me or tell them to call me”. Although some of the mothers feel it took them longer than others to embrace this lesson of ‘safety first’ for themselves and their children, they decided it was never too late to do the
78 right thing. CJ commented on why she is not in a relationship with the child’s father during our discussion on domestic violence. She stretched out on my sofa, covered up with a blanket, and began, The father of my child came along at my most vulnerable time and so I first experienced it [domestic violence] at 25. It was verbal at first then it became where my things were getting broken and then he wouldn’t leave my home. My cousin had to tell him he had to go. She had my back. I ended up going back and then ended up conceiving my son with him and I feel like that made it worse. He was more [abusive], he never hit me but I felt bullied. I fought back (it’s in me to get ugly if I go there) and I ended up bleeding the next day and had to go to the hospital. My son was okay but they said my pregnancy was very high risk. Then at the end I went into preeclampsia because I went into a real stress mode. He was supposed to be born literally the day after my cousins birthday but he was 3 weeks early because of the stress. When he [the father] was away from me I was fine, but when he came back it was just verbal and I feel like it was because he wasn’t happy with himself and just took it out on other people. I had to get out of it and I got a restraining order...the judge put it on the baby too. In 2015 I allowed him [the father] to start seeing his son at his mother’s house and he was better but when he wants to hurt you he can be mean. I don’t want my child around that. I want my child to have his father, but do I sacrifice to have us in the same home? Would I be doing more damage? I don’t want my son seeing verbal abuse--then I act out [when I’m bullied] so he sees verbal and physical (italics for emphasis). I feel like I don’t want to raise my black little boy to see that it’s okay to talk to a woman that way. She had to pause for a second as she was becoming emotional while sharing this portion of her journey. I was feeling it also, so I went and got tissue and water for us both then returned to the living room. I gave her the tissue and water and sat on the sofa across from the sofa she was reclining on. We shared a little smile of compassion, I asked if she wanted to keep going, and she said she did. She continued, I told my therapist I had to choose and that was the hardest decision of my life...someone I was in love with before my son came in the picture, I loved him first but I love my son and I chose him [my son]. I feel like I probably made that mistake of choosing someone and being reckless with my body and now I have this child that I have to protect. I regret
79 that every day. I regret my decision of being reckless but I have this little boy and that’s what came from it. So, I have to cherish and protect him from any toxic person. If that’s his father… Along those same lines, AnnaN speaks about emotional violence, the effects it has on the children who witness it, and her children being the impetus for deciding to no longer accept it in her life. With a smirk on her face—her typical little silly half grin—and her eyes stretched wide, she says, “I haven’t had any experience with domestic violence, I probably was the one beating men up.” Then she gets a more serious look on her face, stares past me out the window, and goes on, I guess when you talk about violence with emotions, I have been emotionally violated. I allowed it, I guess, and as a mother and having daughters, you have to think about it. Would you want somebody treating them like this? Would you want them to see this person in and out the house? So, when they meet this man that could possibly do them wrong will they remember that mommy let John John [figure of speech - not a real person] back. So, when somebody out the door, they out the door! Monica concurred that she was not willing to subject herself or her daughter to violence on any level, When it comes to behaviors and domestic violence, I feel like I don’t for one accept it in any way. I think both men and women probably subject themselves and stay in relationships longer that are violent verbally because they’re just thinking well, “He’s not hitting me, she’s not hitting me” but you guys are fussing and cussing each other out and yelling in front of the kids or just between yourselves or maybe passive aggressive behavior so there’s a lot of things that can be defined as domestic violence. I look at it differently again, in different sorts of ways verbally, physically, I know not to showcase that around of my daughter. CherryB recalls being in an emotionally abusive relationship with her children’s father and ultimately being faced with a choice to save herself and her children from emotional abuse or stay in what she called and “emotionally draining” relationship. The hurt is apparent as she recalls these events and she sits up on the edge of the sofa. She says. “He drained me emotionally and he didn’t show me the love he was supposed to show me. I cooked three meals a day and snacks in between each meal. I cleaned the house every single day.” CherryB expressed that she
80 did everything she could to make it work while cohabitating as a family but there came a time when his disrespectful behavior became too much to deal with. He never supported her dreams and disregarded her pleas for compassion even when she began having anxiety attacks. She recounted the events, I had about fifty-five anxiety attacks when I was in [that state]. And I’d call and tell him I think it’s coming back and he’d say, “Just go sit down!” I felt like when I needed him the most, he wasn’t giving me that. We stopped for a minute and I got tissue and brought them back to the room. She said she wanted to continue and went on to share about how her partner cheated with a woman who lived down the street while CherryB was pregnant with the third child. She said, “God just laid it straight out” and showed her exactly who this woman was one day as they ended up in the same space--CherryB sitting on her porch as this woman walked by with her dog while talking on the phone to CherryB’s husband (according to her intuition). In what seemed like equal amounts of anger, sadness, determination, and pride CherryB looked at me and said, “This man changed my whole life…what I’m willing and not willing to accept.” As painful as it was to deal with all that and to admit it was time to go, CherryB moved her children and herself out of that situation and back to where she now resides. Before CherryB gave birth to their third child, he had married the woman and created a new family with her and her children. She says, I mean these men are a part of the foundation of our lives but they have to respect you and if they don’t you don’t have nothing. You have to surround yourself with people who genuinely care about you, people who love you. You have to learn how to tune certain things out because if you can’t it’s gonna affect you in a way that its gonna affect your future, your kids, the people around you. Even after leaving the relationship, CherryB feels responsible for making sure her children do not feel rejected by their father. She (as are many mothers) is intentional in her attempts to protect the emotional well-being of her children. She shares her experience, So, it’s just like being a mother, you have to take on everything. You have to make sure that the baby daddy is right because I’m not about to let my baby daddy slip away from my kids, I don’t care if he hates me, you’re about to love these kids and they’re gonna feel the love they’re not gonna even know that you hate me. They’re not even gonna know that
81 we cuss each other out when we get into an argument because if that starts I’m gonna hang up the phone, you’re gonna hang up the phone and we’re gonna talk about it later. AnnaN told a similar story about protecting her baby girl who does not have the same father as her first two girls—whose father has been there for them consistently since their conception. She speaks of making sure this little one feels just as valued, secure, and loved as the other two despite the fact that the father chose not to be a part of his child’s life: I was already a single mom before I laid with him. So, who am I mad at? I’m mad at myself. That’s why she [her youngest daughter] ain’t going to have to worry about nothing. Because that’s not her fault. She don’t have to feel no type of way about how she was brought into this world. She ain’t never going to feel out of place, she ain’t never got to feel uncomfortable. She ain’t gotta feel nothing. Nothing is more important than her. For some, depending on the circumstances, blending families or parenting children one did not biologically create can be a bit difficult. Yet, this is not impossible nor atypical in Black families (Collins, 2009). As the only mother in this study with multiple children from more than one father, AnnaN has experience with this delicate situation. She shared that during the first three years of her baby girls’ life when the father of the oldest girls would come to get them, the baby would call him Daddy (because that’s what her sisters called him) and he would ignore her. AnnaN admits things were a somewhat strained between her and her ex at that time, but her expectation was that he show respect to her youngest daughter—his daughters’ baby sister—and at least acknowledge her. She taught the baby to call him by his first name at that point. However, once they both matured, the baby became more aware of who he was and wasn’t, and they decided to co-parent (which consists of them often abiding under the same roof on weekends and when he is in town), she said she had to “get him together” about how he was going to interact with her youngest daughter who is not his child. She recounts her conversation with him: Make sure you talk to her. Because we are not playing them games. You are going to help me. It ain’t about you come when you want to come and leave when you want to leave. Your presence is needed here, we need your help. If you want to be in the household, be in the household. They got a little sister you need to go get from school and she wants some chicken nuggets on the way home because she hungry so
82 make sure you have some chicken nuggets for her. Or when I let him know that I was short for Christmas he gave me one hundred dollars for [baby] and told me not to worry about [the oldest two]. I didn’t have to ask him to do that, he wanted to help. One time we dropped [baby] off at school and he was looking at something in his phone, an email or something, and it was important but she was getting out of the car and said goodbye. I said, “Say bye [his name]. She said bye [his name]” and he said, “Oh, my bad. Bye.” I was like, “Don’t be forgetting to say bye to my baby.” And we laughed it off. So, every time we was dropping her off he would say, “Bye Pooh Butt” or whatever he called her. Today she didn’t even say bye. He was like, “bye,” and she was like okay. It’s important that you know you are not about to sit in my car, this her car for real, this her house. She sitting here, if you eating some shrimp and you gave [his daughter] a piece give [baby] a piece of shrimp. He gets it now. She ain’t got to ask. She didn’t want the shrimp but he offered. That’s what I need you to be doing. I had to say something though for him to get it. I’m not going to keep on saying something though. He finally gets it. I said it that one time, “Don’t just not say bye to my baby” and he was like “My bad [baby]. Bye [baby]”. Yeah okay. I wasn’t going to just think it and be mad. These women have learned to respect themselves, demand respect for themselves and their children as a means to securing their babies. They have also learned to become more mindful of the examples they set for their offspring making sure the children understand who they are, how to treat others, as well as how they are and are not to be treated. In a world that is not valuing them or their children, these mothers have decided it is their duty to directly and indirectly (through example) prepare their babies to face these inequalities head on (Matias, 2016). Monica says, “You don’t want to raise kids and have your children see you as being weak or ‘my mom was down all the time because the odds were against her and she just succumbed to all of that’.” She instructs her nine-year-old daughter to know her own worth and to allow no one to place limits on her, “Hey no matter what they say, they don’t determine your success and they don’t determine what you can do and how far you can go in life.” She says, she also feels it is important to teach her daughter the importance of speaking up for and protecting herself while simultaneously being respectful of others,
83 Use your words, you don’t use your hands to hit anybody. You, of course, if you’re in school and something happens and someone hits you, you be sure to defend yourself if it’s appropriate but your need to make sure that you tell an adult. Monica reminds her daughter that she follows the same practices herself and shares the conversation she has had with her daughter, I don’t put my hands on your father, any of my friends, any of my siblings [so], you don’t put your hands on anybody. You say nice things to people with your words, and you also ...you have to be strong…you have to be sure that if someone is saying hurtful things to you, you don’t have to accept that. You know, nobody should be able to say anything mean or rude to you or derogatory and you have to just sit back and take it. She tells the story of an incident at her daughter’s day care center and how she allowed her daughter to witness her addressing it properly. You know, we had a situation a couple of weeks ago where she was at daycare and someone who is not the same race as her, called her a racially charged name. They were playing a game and this other child wanted to play and she’s trying to take the controller from my daughter and my daughter didn’t want to give it … it was her turn you know, they take turns. And the little girl looked at my daughter and called her a black pig. So, you know that goes back …that’s behavior that’s learned, you know, and my daughter...given the current times and the current events that have happened I talk to her. I have discussions with her about race and about unfair treatment and she knew when the girl called her that name, it was inappropriate. Her feelings were hurt and I told her, you know, that circles back around to what I tell you about any kind of violence towards you. It wasn’t right for that girl to call you that name, you do not have to accept anybody calling you any kind of negativity. So, we went and took the proper steps, reported it and made sure the situation was taken care of. MOAK agrees that it is important for her to secure her two-year-old son in preparation for his success in a world that “placed a target on his back when he was born a Black male— king”. She announces that he must know his worth and she cannot “fail him”. She describes what that means, “To fail him is to let my son be anything but Black excellence because that’s what he is. Like...his affirmation every morning is ‘I am an Alpha male’ because that’s who he is! He’ll tell you now, ‘I’m an Alpha male, Mommy’.” Her response is to confirm that with him and
84 remind him that he is a threat to those who want to be everything that he is. She says, “I have to make sure he remembers that.” Although she wants her son to know he is a king, she mentions how important it is that he knows how to treat a woman like a queen. She says that when well- meaning people look at her handsome two-year-old son and say, “Oh, he’s gonna be such a heartbreaker someday,” her response is “No, he’s not. He’s gonna be honest and if your heart is broken it’s because you didn’t listen.” CJ, the only other mother in this study with a son, is also protecting her son against the pain of being swallowed up in the patriarchal notions of male domination that do not nurture loving relationships in society (Collins, 2009; hooks, 2015; Jones, 1994; Lorde, 2009; Walker, 2006). CJ says, I have to raise him to love his black women and not to go get a Becky [woman who is not of color] and say they [non-Black women] winning. I have to literally let him know how to love a Black woman, “Don’t you do that, love on her, be patient with her, and communicate.” I feel like having a role as a therapist I could teach him other forms of communicating that they don’t tell men or women [like how] to identify your emotions. I can totally understand this intentional move by both these mothers as I did the exact same thing when my boys were little. I was surprised at how many women and men would look at them and say, “Look at those big eyes! So handsome. They are going to be heartbreakers!” To which I would respond, “No, they are going to be respectful lovers.” To this day, my sons—ages twenty-five and twenty-seven—have no children and treat women with the utmost respect. Although my sons both date women of all races, as their mother and a Black women, I have engaged them in countless conversations about it. Even when our conversations have become extremely long (more than five hours long at times), a bit heated, and possibly made them see me differently, I felt it was necessary and was willing to have them see me as old fashioned, stuck in the past, or even prejudiced. I believed that in time, they would understand it as an act of love and concern for their lives—that I was choosing to secure them even when they misunderstood the reasoning behind my warnings and conversation—and need to guard their sense of self-worth and respect for Black women in a world that hates them and us too (Baszile, Edwards, Guillory, 2016; hooks, 1992; Matias, 2016; Mills, 1997, 2007; Walker, 2006; Waters, 2016). I accepted my responsibility of ensuring that their reasons for dating outside our race was not due to the self-hatred that America has implanted so deeply into the minds of Black folks that we often do
85 not even recognize its effects on our behavior and choices as such (Collins, 2009; hooks, 1992; Matias, 2016; Walker, 2006; Waters, 2016). It is imperative that we learn to respect ourselves and each other in order to be spiritually, physically, and emotionally healthy and secure. AnnaN talks about teaching her daughters to treat each other respectfully and admits that in her earlier years as a parent, there was a lot of drama in her household as she was not as patient in handling difficult and stressful situations that play out in family dynamics. She says that now that she has learned some strategies, from elders and other millennial mothers, Some people don’t understand how I can do three girls but for what I know, me and my girls come from a lot of drama. We had our times back in the day but we getting better [at] the way we talk to each other and treat each other, even between the girls, when they argue and fight. People may not understand how the sister thing works but in our eyes we see we just getting better. These mothers also talk about securing their children from media images and the wealth of inappropriate information and behavior that they are subjected to—the possible destruction that is at their fingertips with technology. MOAK says, I don’t believe in letting the computer teach my son although he needs to be computer savvy. You have parents who just give their child their tablet and just let them go…then we wonder how they get involved in online bullying. I have no sympathy for the parent who is not monitoring their child online…parents bullying kids online…kids taking their lives due to online bullying…and the child is not even talking to the parent about it because they themselves [the parents] are all into technology…it’s the new crack. Technology is crack to the new generation. Cause look, it’s addicting, we’re gonna make sure it gets all of your attention, we’re gonna keep you distracted, we’re gonna make sure that when you sit down at the dinner table or you go out to a restaurant you’re not having conversation with the people you’re sitting with, you’re on Snapchat, you’re on Instagram, you’re on FB you’re doing this (she demonstrates head down thumbs to the phone). She emphasizes that our children can learn inappropriate behaviors from outside the home and therefore, it is a mother’s responsibility to talk honestly with their children and make sure they know what is acceptable and real—what they should and should not mimic. She says,
86 This [damaging] male perspective on violence toward a woman can come from outside the family. Therefore, when they [our sons] see their dad take care of their mom they see him as a bitch and say, “I’m not doing that!” They can pick it up from other people’s houses, television, music, so parents have to monitor their children’s lives. She goes on to describe how children can get caught up and misguided due to media images they are allowed to take into their souls and minds. She iterates the importance of parental guidance and modelling appropriate choices and behaviors as a means to secure their child, I don’t want him to think that’s [what he sees in the media] life because millennial parents need to understand and make their kids know that what they see on Love and Hip Hop is not how their life is supposed to be…that’s entertainment. MOAK adds, “I sow seeds into my son that he can reap the harvest from and that’s the life I’m trying to live.” CherryB totally agrees and speaks of her responsibility to protect her children from the negative images of Black women portrayed by the media. She talks about a recent experience she had while watching an adult show with her daughter in the room, I was sitting at my Dad’s house one day and I was watching Love and Hip Hop ATL of course because that’s where I’m from and my daughter was sitting with me so she was like, “Mommy, what that bitch say?” She’s two and I looked, my dad looked. You know my dad’s a pastor now and he told me, “Don’t watch that crap in my house!” At first I was like [thinking] “you really don’t tell me what to do, whatever.” But when you think about it, he broke it down and said, “Look, if your girls are hearing bitch this, and bitch that, and she just walked in talking about ‘Mommy what that bitch say?’, that has an impact on their lives. So, do you want them to grow up thinking that fighting and arguing and cussing each other out is the way to do everything?” No. She shares her concern about the damage social media and images we ingest can do to us but especially to the children, Our brains are like sponges! It just acts like a sponge and absorbs it…like marketing…I refuse to get my daughter a phone…she has a watch that has five people that she can call and we can call her that’s me, my dad, my mom, her dad, her uncle. She like, “Mommy can I get an iPhone?” I’m like “Hell nah! What you need a phone for? You too little!” We caught my daughter looking at some stuff she don’t need to be looking at online. You on
87 certain sites and stuff just start poppin’ up and for the children if they continue to see…the world is sex, money, and drugs, and God is last. It’s like somebody, I don’t know who it is…somebody wants…the devil is taking over seventy-five percent of the world and we’re allowing him to do that by the things that we watch by the things that we do, and just I mean if anything he wants our children because our children are still learning…their brains are like the super soakers just taking it in. “Mommy give me more...social media give me more. Mommy let me get your phone when we get in the car”. “Girl sit back you are not gonna get my phone”. CherryB goes on to candidly share her thoughts on how being single and stressed, there are times when millennial mothers fall into a situation where they succumb to the temptation. She says she sometimes feels manipulated by her desire for some time alone. She describes such an instance and how she has to talk to herself and pull it back together, I mean you got three kids and sometimes you can’t be like nothing but, “Take the tablet. Take the phone” and they in another room not bothering you because YOU want peace…Girl let them kids come in there with you, let them bother you because that moment they on social media seeing sex, porn, seeing people fight and cuss. My child like, “Mommy can we get a Maserati?”, I said “Honey stay off the internet we gonna ride in this 2015 Chrysler until the wheels fall off”. They think they have to have so much stuff …we think we have to have all that stuff. In reality we don’t but we like to look good that’s one thing… the appearance for a lot of people is extreme.
88 Theme 3: Choosing To Determine Their Own Identity
“Alls my life I has to fight” from “The Color Purple” by Alice Walker
The mothers who participated in this study are totally aware of the stereotypical images circulating about them and feel they have to constantly fight to disprove this negativity—a fight which often becomes so frustrating until the war tactics of those fighting to clear their names get misunderstood as confirmation of the negative images against which they fight. Yet, they have learned to fight not just overtly, but covertly by critiquing and disassociating themselves with who others say they are—choosing to decide for themselves who they are and how they will exist in this world. They believe they can choose whether or not to be affected by what others have to say about them--they choose to be transformed, liberated, and decolonized through the deconstruction of their thinking and living practices (Baszile, 2016; Edwards, 2016; Guillory, 2016; Collins, 2009; Freire, 2006; hooks, 1994, 2000; Matias, 2016; Morton, 2016; Ross, 2016). They say that they have not always been where they are now in terms of maturity and awareness, they may not be where they want to be, but they are certainly on their way. They have decided that their lives do not have to mirror anyone else’s or measure up to someone else’s standards and while they feel some of that comes with being a millennial, they also feel that comes from their choice to sit in the director’s chair and take on the role of lead actor in this drama called their lives. These mothers report that they play many roles on a daily basis—from single woman, to mother, entrepreneur, avid learner, career-minded leader, friend, family and community member, and spiritual being—and often find themselves fighting with others who inhabit these spaces with them for respect, equality, and basic acknowledgement. Black people in America have consistently had to fight—a practice of seeing and moving through, beyond, around, over top of, and underneath what appears to be happening at the surface level—and the mothers who participated in this study suggest it is still the case (Baszile, 2016; Bambara, 1984; Collins, 2009; Dillard, 2012; Edwards, 2016; hooks, 2000, 2015; Moraga & Anzaldúa, 2015). These women feel there continues to be this negativity toward Black women that just seems innate to the masses and it is known, seen, and felt—it is not a new phenomenon.
89 They want it to end and have decided that no matter whether it does or not, they will fight for their right to self-identify, secure their self-worth, and be self-determined. What these mothers refer to as taking charge of their lives, owning their choices, gotta keep going, pushing past the comfort zone is the exactly what scholars call self-efficacy, self- determination, and self-responsibility (Bandura, 1997; Collins, 2009; hooks, 2000; Schwarzer, 1992). This efficaciousness develops in various ways including mastery experience, vicarious experience, verbal persuasion, and physiological feedback (Bandura, 1977, 1986; Caprara, et al., 2004; Collins, 2009; Schwarzer, 1992) and these mothers lived experiences attest to that as well. They spoke of positive affirmations, successful experiences that breed more success, and learning from watching others (past or present models). CJ, MOAK, and CherryB agree with scholars who suggest there is a plot by those in high places to push forward an agenda that creates negative and stereotypical images of Black women without our input or consent (Baszile, 2016; Bambara, 1984; Collins, 2009; ; Dillard, 2012; Edwards, 2016; hooks, 2000, 2015; Moraga & Anzaldúa, 2015). Labels have been assigned to place Black women in position to be seen as the least desirable of all and society’s biggest problem. Terms have been coined by various entities to demean the Black woman from ‘baby momma’ to ‘THOT’ (that ho over there) and ‘bitch’ to name a few (Boylorn, 2008; Collins, 2009; Gilens, 2000; Lorde, 1984). These women are taking a critical look at how these images are designed to affect how they define, see (esteem), and respect (accept) themselves and choosing how they will be affected. When it comes to body image the mothers are aware of how media images can create this sense of not being enough and not measuring up to someone’s standards (i.e. beauty, intellect, success). CJ discusses how she feels about social media and this need people feel to impress others. She says, It’s like we have to have this image like...I gotta look this way. That’s why I don’t put pictures out there. I just want to be original and it’s hard nowadays. It’s hard to be original because you scared that being original you won’t have nobody. She continues as she talks about the ways Black women are damaging their bodies in an attempt to have a certain look that is being exaggerated beyond what is natural for us--with that even being considered freakish in nature once upon a time. She says:
90 Now the big thing is to have a big butt and have this and that and a couple of weeks [it was] on The Real where a lady was like having butt shots [and] she has now been diagnosed with Lupus. She’s having pain in her legs because her butt’s so big and in January she’s about to have that stuff taken out. CherryB speaks to the whole notion of fitting a description of beauty because of what is shown on social media, “I feel like if you don’t look a certain way, you’re looked down upon. So, the self-esteem level is taken down some.” She talks about social media models with “big booty, big titties, flat stomach” and says she finds herself thinking ‘I wanna look like her’, she continues, Shoot, I done looked at a couple of them like ‘damn girl can I get like you too?’ It’s like something that we see on social media so then for us that’s what we want to look like cause we want to portray that image and we want to get that certain man and you got these men online. You feed this to yourself. It goes back to the marketing and once you continue to hear this over, and over, and over again, you think it’s supposed to be you. MOAK speaks of the ways Black professional women get discriminated against due to their body types and says that people will critique what we wear to work because of the way our curves fit in our clothes, “Yeah, there’s a different image on us” she declares. She describes how she has also been critiqued by other women at work (even other Black women) and told she should not wear the same clothing that her white coworker wears. She sees this as purely double standards and feels it is unfair that she would be admonished but not the white teacher who comes to work in what she says are “leggings and a shirt that stops at her waistline”. She says to me, “I’m thicker than a snicker. Always have been. I don’t know what to tell you, I mean...you know...I’m not gonna buy an extra-large when I really need a large.” She goes on to share a social media discussion that took place at the start of the 2017 school year where a young Black teacher was heavily criticized for her choice in clothing as she posed and took pictures of herself in her classroom. She wasn’t a thick woman, I wouldn’t consider her thick but she was built like a sister, and I don’t think her clothes were inappropriate but she was taking selfies in her classroom and she had on dresses and they were fitted. There’s a difference between something being fitted and being tight. Her clothing was fitted and she was taking the pictures before class started, no kids in the classroom or anything.
91 CJ talks about how everything on a Black woman (i.e. full lips, wide hips, sun-kissed skin, cornrow braids) was considered unattractive until white women decided to copy them and then all of a sudden these attributes were desirable and seen as symbols of beauty. Collins (2009) agrees with this notion of contradictions about what is valuable when it comes to white women and Black women. CJ explains her point of view, Yeah, I feel like they have degraded us as the millennials because it wasn’t okay for us to have big lips, nice boobs and a big butt. That’s a black girl thang honey. But when in 2006 the Kardashians came out with big butts, oh, the white girl with the big butt, so now that’s the thing. So now everybody had to have a butt. Then the lips came and I’m like I been had these lips, born with these. Then there are the images that describe the personality of Black women as loud and angry (Collins, 2009; Gilens, 2000; Gilliam, 1999; hooks, 2000, 2015; Lorde, 2009; Scott, 2016). MOAK suggests “loud, over the top, dramatic, mean, and aggressive” are the images used to label Black women if they exercise their right to voice and says the message is, “[D]on’t stand up for yourself, you better not stand up for yourself, Black girl”. However, those same attributes are simply deemed an “extrovert’ personality when displayed by other women. MOAK expresses that if, to the contrary, a Black woman fails to engage everyone to their liking then “You’re standoffish, you too quiet…you sneaky because every black quiet person is sneaky. You’re up to something, you’re plotting and planning”. CJ agrees and says because she is typically a quiet person, “they think they can say anything to you.” She shares she often has to be assertive when it comes to communicating with white women or men she deals with regularly. A licensed counselor, CJ says,
I use assertive communication...assertiveness. My tone is gonna let you know I mean business. So, you may take it as I’m being aggressive but I’m being assertive. I can communicate effectively how I feel. She shares a story about having to stand up to her son’s daycare center director—at an “all white daycare”—who turned her son away one particular day when his grandmother went to drop him off at school. The director said CJ had failed to pay her portion of his tuition (assuming CJ received vouchers to help pay “the other portion” of his tuition). CJ reports that after she stood up for herself and proved that not only had she paid but that she pays full tuition, the director apologized. However, after this confrontational communication with the director, she started to
92 notice her son coming home with bruises on him that the staff would claim came from another child at the school. She feels this was all due to the fact that she stood up for herself. She says she removed her son from that school. AnnaN shares that she thinks it is the image of Black women as “ghetto” that seems to flavor her relationships with professionals who attempt to connect with her. From her high school experiences with some of the white teachers in a predominately white school to her experiences with her children’s school administrator (who is Black), she seems to get this “from the hood” less than professional communication where they talk to her in ways they would not speak to white students or parents. It bothers her at times, but she says she has had to address it in each situation because along with this “homegirl” behavior and “fake friendship” often comes disregard for her rights as a parent and inappropriate behavior. For example, So, I’m at a spelling bee when the principal comes over to me and says my younger daughter needs to be on medication because she’s all over the place. She goes on about it right there in the auditorium. I mean, I’m not a principal but I am a business owner who knows a little something about customer care. Shouldn’t she take me into a private office and have a discussion with me about this? And is she now a medical doctor that she can decide who needs medication? Then on another occasion, she tells me my oldest daughter is going to get into fights when she goes to the middle school because she dresses nice, always has her hair done, and ‘has a mouth on her’. So, what am I supposed to do, send her to school in rags with her hair all over her head and teach her to be a coward? I mean, shouldn’t she have approached me in a way that would help me understand what exactly the problem is and what we can assist my daughter in doing differently to avoid these issues? She just seems so unprofessional with me—like we’re cool or something, I don’t know her like that. She’s lightweight ratchet. CherryB discusses how social media plays a big part in creating and perpetuating the images of Black people/women as loud, angry, hateful, and dangerous--keeping Black women and men looking like menaces to society. She says she is fed up with it and would not even have an account on some of these sites if it were not for her need to bring clientele to her business. She explains, The other day, I damn near deleted my social media accounts. I only have it just because I own a business. It’s like our people were on there just fighting and I mean this was
93 shared. So, I’ve never seen a white fight online in my life…never seen a white woman fight, never seen a white man fight. But what you see in our feed when we’re on [a particular social media site] is Black negativity be it man or woman. And that negativity brings us down. On to the images of motherhood--something to be celebrated unless the mother is Black and unwed (Barrett & Turner, 2005; Brody et al., 2002; Collins, 2009; Gonzalez et al., 2012; Kogan & Brody, 2010; Mandara & Murray, 2000; Moynihan, 1965). The single mothers in this study address having to grapple with how others see them and all but one of them mentioned how people seem to question their singlehood openly as if they have every right to know and judge their marital status. Monica, CherryB, AnnaN, and CJ all shared their experiences with this. CherryB says, I get the looks all the time. I can be in Kroger, I can be in the mall, wherever and I have my three kids with me and it’s just like people look at you like…oh, ok, it’s just her by herself and sometimes I think people check your ring finger to see if you’re married, “Oh my god your kids are cute, where’s your husband” I don’t know if he was trying to hit on me or what. Monica says at her daughter’s school, people are crafty when inquiring about her marital status, “At school events and they might say, ‘Are you coming to… are you coming alone or…?’ ” All five women participating in the study shared the feeling that as a single mother people see them as one who “...doesn’t have an education, she doesn’t have a job. She lives on welfare,” as Monica put it. Yet, each of them have either been to college (three of them have degrees) or have learned a trade. All are gainfully employed and two are business owners—both with three children. Even if they do or did (at some point) receive support from community service agencies, they refuse to be treated as if they are takers who do not give back to society as this would not be a true assessment. CJ speaks on her experience, “You walk into the grocery store or anywhere and they still see you as ghetto...and they think you ‘bout to pull out a [food assistance EBT] card.” She says it’s like that for her “every time” and says even if she did use it at some point but “do[es]n’t have to use it now there’s still that image and it’s still on your back. Yeah. You black and you’ll never equal up”. CJ feels that as a Black mother, people automatically have this image of her as
94 indigent she says she has had too many conversations with white women at different daycare centers who assume she gets assistance with tuition. She speaks of an experience she had at a local university (her alma mater) where she tried to enroll her son in the mini university child care center, “I’m a black woman and so the first thing I’ll always get asked, ‘well’ do you have vouchers?’ I always get that. Automatically, I always get that. And I just be like, no ma’am.” She says, in this particular situation, the woman continued with the assumption and told her to apply for Head Start. CJ stresses that the woman did not ask her if she would qualify she told her to apply—as if all Black women with children qualify for reduced tuition Head Start programs. When CJ told the woman she did not qualify, the woman asked what her income level was “Well, how much do you make?” and she did it right out in the open public area where others could hear her response. CJ says her response was, “Ma’am I make 52,000 a year” to which the lady responded in disbelief, “Where do you work?” CJ explained her role as a therapist and laughed as she shared with me what she wanted to say to this disrespectful woman, “I’m going to be in the role of diagnosing people, probably people like you, for mental health issues and substance abuse, are you doing anything?” She says what is most disturbing about this scenario is that this is the university from which she graduated with a master’s degree and passed state testing for her license in social work. CJ says, “I mean, ok, I was like okay. I was like wow.” CherryB also reports she feels looked down upon at her children’s daycare and explains how often she just feels in her gut that someone dislikes her because she is Black. CherryB explains there may be times when that gut feeling is wrong or is surfacing as a result of so many past experiences with racism, I even have an encounter... like when I go to the daycare where my kids go. And it’s just like the lady...like the director of the school she’s just real…it’s like she has a complex and sometimes I feel like its towards the Black women that come to the daycare. I don’t really know why but sometimes we can look at stuff...like in a different light too. And we might take it a certain way because we’ve been looked down upon so much and it’s just like...you don’t feel like you get the respect you deserve. She goes on to explain how there is a different standard for Black mothers than for white mothers, You don’t want your kids walking around looking too damn raggedy because they be like “she’s not a good mom because their clothes are dirty, her shoes are dirty” and as Black
95 women that’s what we have to do. Those little white kids are at daycare with pajamas, bed head... As her conversation trails off, she reiterates that Black mothers cannot send their children out into the world looking like they just rolled out of bed because they and their children will be looked upon and treated differently because of that. A few of the mothers say they have used community service agencies for periods of time and experience it to be a hand-up and not a hand-out. They say that no matter what the images are, they know they are not the only ones using these community resources. CherryB says, “white people get more food stamps than we do. But, it’s like we’re looked upon like garbage because we come in there and get that help”. She feels as if people look at her and her three girls and think “She got a whole bunch of kids. You know she get food stamps, get Medicaid, and stay on section 8.” Her thought is, “I mean some of us do, some of us don’t.” She says as a young entrepreneur, she gets assistance with food and medical insurance but not housing. She say, “My thing is I don’t want to be stuck in that system forever.” AnnaN speaks of her experience with community service agencies and sees it as a form of temporary assistance until she was able to get her career and salon established. Like her business partner, CherryB, she refuses to accept the negative stereotyping that goes along with the need for assistance. Since I’m single, I get assistance from the government and they help out a lot. I’m slowly getting off of that. Seems like this year I’m actually getting cut off of stuff. It forces me to make more money so I won’t be so dependent on the government for food and rent and stuff like that. I appreciate the help but it’s not something I wanted to do forever. So, it helps with jump start in life and getting ready for the next thing. These mothers are just fed up with the stereotypes and know there is no way to please people who are determined to see you in the worst way possible. Fighting contradictions is a continuous battle for these single Black millennial mothers. They are aware of the double standards that assign negative images to Black women for doing the same things which earn white women, praise, admiration, and desirability. Their experience is that Black women are considered “whorish”, “promiscuous”, “ a THOT-that ho over there”, for doing, saying, or wearing the exact same things that other women would be called “sexy”, “free”, or “hot” for doing, saying, or wearing. They suggest that this unfair treatment is very disheartening and CJ discusses how she experiences men as a Black woman,
96 With men, I feel like they just see you as a piece of ass. Can I say that? I feel like as a black woman they look at you as just another woman as opposed to looking at you as an individual, getting to know you. Like they’re just going to use you for sex and have multiple people. So, if we don’t play the part we won’t have anybody. When I asked her to tell me more about this “part” she feels single women are agreeing to play, she tells me it’s “the part of being like ‘I don’t care if you want to be with that girl just come here on the weekends or I’ll see you on Tuesday or something’.” She says it’s the situation wherein a man has declared he does not want to be in a relationship and the woman is pretending to want that same lifestyle. She continues, “It’s like you going against your morals and I feel like I can say this to myself because I’ve been struggling with that. I’m not okay with certain things but go along with it only to say that I’m talking to somebody. So, I’m playing a role.” She was excited to share that on her way to our interview, she had just ended one such relationship because she knows she deserves more. Regardless of the names they are called, the mothers in this study acknowledge and celebrate their sexuality and desire for sexual pleasure and affection—it’s only natural and they are natural women. MOAK smiles as she reflects on a time right after her mother transitioned from this physical existence when she was not what she called “a whole person”. She chuckles tenderly at her younger self seeming to accept the place she was in at the time without harsh judgement. She says, I used to be a single savage. I didn’t care. I’d get in, get off, get out. I didn’t care. I ain’t laying with you, I ain't cuddling with you. Thank you, high five, see you later next time. Listen, if you didn’t have kids, I couldn’t even mess with you cause you might want one so I was looking for all the baby daddies like where y'all at? Her eyes change to a more calm and proud gaze as she recounts her growth into a more complete person, “But I’m learning now though. When you become all one [complete] person and you get with a person who’s all one the balance is there. Relationships are good… they are… but they’re good with the right people.” All five mothers admit there have been times in their lives when they acted out of youth and impulse but they also feel this is typical behavior for many young people not just Black women--even though they feel it is downplayed as sexual exploration and experimentation when others engage in impulsive sexual behavior. AnnaN talks about being in her twenties and says,
97 At one point, I was not focused enough and not really worrying about myself and was putting everything else before myself. Worrying about the wrong things, not having my priorities straight. Wanting to have fun all the time. An immature state of mind. Every woman probably had in their 20’s but I feel like now I’m thirty-one and I can’t do all the stuff I did in my early 20’s. It’s some stuff I did in my early 20’s I have to live with for the rest of my life. I’m just happy with all the decisions I made because it made me not want to put myself in the position again. I don’t want to put myself in the position where I was. So, I work hard to be where I am so I can become a better woman. Depending on men to make me happy is over with cause I know nobody can make me happy but me and nobody can give me everything I need but me. These millennial mothers say even men often view them from a negative aspect. AnnaN spoke of how some of the fathers of their children prefer to be with other women and her children rather than their own children and the mothers. The mothers in this study know the negative image that is bestowed upon them as a “baby momma” and CherryB feels that “depend[ing] on how it’s being used” the term may be meant to disrespect unmarried Black mothers and label them as “ghetto”. However, she believes that whether they are being referred to as a ‘baby momma’ or mother is not much of an issue to these women. The bottom line is they understand it is their choice whether or not to become a mother and they realize it is their choice to live with. For example, AnnaN reminisces on her choice to have a third child, who would not have the same father as her first two children. She shares with me how she has learned from that choice and says she will forever remember the agony she went through in the beginning stages of her pregnancy with her third child—how she just couldn’t believe she had made such a choice. But now, she could not imagine her life without this “little girl” that completes her family of three girls. With a serious gaze she says, You just got to take charge of your own life. Not just accidently having children with these men. It’s our choice to choose the right fathers for our children. I chose to lay with that man, I can’t be mad at him for not being there for his child. Each mother talks about being aware of the many negative images associated with being a Black single mother. Yet, despite those negative stories and regardless to what others have to say, these mothers say they must continue to believe in their ability to get the job done as parents
98 and providers. Monica is on the edge of the sofa, shoulders back, head up when she says matter of factly, I think historically the image has been that if you’re a black single mother, you’re likely not educated, had those babies when you were in high school, you may or may not be living off of the system, your kids probably don’t know their father, you may or may not know who your father is. look at the single black woman as strong, being confident, being able to juggle and wear multiple hats. Being able to go to school and work and still pick the kids up and make dinner and do birthdays and be able to set aside whatever feelings they [as co-parents] may have so they can look towards the greater good of their kid. I have no idea how I’m still functioning. It’s a lot but I think the single black female mother has learned to just wear those hats and wear them well and not look like they sweat one bit while they do it (italics used for emphasis).
Theme 4: Choosing To Determine Their Own Worth “Whose Report Shall You Believe?” Lyrics by Becky Fender Song by Ron Kenoly
My mother used to say, “Believe half of what you see and none of what you hear!” And when it comes to the images the United States decides to use to depict who Black women are, this is excellent advice. The negative images of Black women and women of color fostered by mainstream media have been accepted as truth in general and have often affected the way we see ourselves and each other, how others see us, as well as our relationships with others (Baszile, 2016; Bambara, 1984; Collins, 2009; Dillard, 2012; Edwards, 2016; hooks, 2000, 2015; Moraga & Anzaldúa, 2015)—and this seems to hold true for the mothers who participated in this study. They feel that these images and messages have been so skillfully hidden and disguised that people—themselves included—are often unaware of what is happening. So, what is happening that single Black millennial mothers need to be aware of and who is perpetuating this happening? Attempts to annihilate us by destroying our sense of self-worth, 99 our families, our ability to trust one another and work cooperatively while subliminally implanting a belief in the superiority of whiteness. Basically, it is America’s covert continuation of the practice of colonization (Baszile, Edwards, Guillory, 2016; hooks, 1992; Matias, 2016; Mills, 1997, 2007; Walker, 2006; Waters, 2016). If, however, change is to occur, we must call a thing a thing! We must be aware that thing exists because whether we choose the remember or forget, know or be ignorant, see or make invisible, we are choosing to either transform the world or allow it to remain the same--choosing power for some at the expense of others (Alcoff, 2007; Mills, 1997 & 2007; Waters, 2016). Now, speaking of being aware, I have personally heard people of my generation refer to millennials as “the lost generation” or say they are asleep. Some of the women in this study agree with that assessment while others seem to think Black people in general are asleep even admitting that they too have found themselves in a trance at times. Yet, it was uplifting to know that these mothers feel they are stretching, yawning, and fighting off sleep as they come into consciousness. MOAK says, “The challenge is trying to get all my people to wake up. Like, that’s the real challenge. Like, I’m not saying I’m fully awake but I’m not walking dead…[people are] basically sleepwalking.” This coming into consciousness, disrupting the dominant narrative is a must if these mothers are to continue on their journey to self- determination and effectively usher their children along the same journey (Baszile, Edwards, Guillory, 2016; Bambara, 1970; hooks, 1992, 2015; Matias, 2016; Mills, 1997, 2007; Scott, 2016; Walker, 2006; Waters, 2016). Several of the mothers discuss coming into an awakened state and critically questioning what they are experiencing on a daily basis. They say this has led them to an understanding that some force has definitely been operating against them in the world. They feel it is no coincidence that as Monica says, “the odds are stacked against me”. They see that these stereotypical, damaging, and disrespectful images are being put forth in an attempt to destroy them and their offspring and scholars agree (Baszile, 2016; Beal, 2008; Dillard, 2012; hooks, 1984, 2015; Lorde, 1984; Moraga & Anzaldúa, 2015; Walker, 1983). Awake and alert, CherryB says, “There’s something out there. They say our world is overpopulated and Black women, they say we produce the most kids so, they’re trying to kill us off in a certain way without them [literally] doing it.” In a recent Facebook scandal, the personal data of up to 87 million users and their friends, mostly in the U.S., was obtained by an analytics
100 firm that, among its other work, helped elect President Donald Trump (Fortune Magazine, 2018). This event appears to prove that these mothers are right to be skeptical and critical in their analysis of the media—it seems there is something out there and that something (italicized for emphasis) is monitoring and manipulating the minds of many. This tactic of using media to manipulate and control the minds of the public is not new but still serves the same purpose as it always has, to maintain the status quo and continue to keep people feeling like they are outside of the circle of those who are setting the standard but never quite measuring up (Gilens, 2000; Gilliam, 1999; Guillory, 2016; Reese, 2005). These mothers share how they see this manipulation of minds happening via media as an attack on them individually and in community. They feel it has found its way into their homes so easily through social media and it reminds them of something quite similar that plagued the Black community in the 1980s and 1990s. The mothers liken this attack strategy, the social media epidemic, to crack cocaine. MOAK and CherryB both specifically talk about how technologically based applications have become for millennials what crack cocaine was to Generation X—the addiction that is being used to destroy Black families and communities. MOAK says, “Ok, I’ll say this…technology has done the same thing crack did to the Black community and who sent crack to us? Let’s think about that.” CherryB agrees, Social media is freaking crack we wake up in the morning like, “Oh my God! Do I have a notification?” And you mad because he didn’t respond, or you mad because he didn’t like your picture, or you mad because she didn’t say something right or she didn’t respond the way you wanted her to…social media is crack, you hear me…like, it is! She mentions that she recently created a post about how social media is the new crack and goes on to say how it is “the drug [that] is feeding our brains the dumb stuff that’s coming through. Our brains are like sponges. It [the brain] just acts like a sponge and absorbs it…like marketing.” CherryB calls it out as marketing and along with a few of the other mothers, admits that the busyness of her day-to-day life as a single mother can easily lend itself to wanting to be distracted for a few minutes, therefore choosing to fill what seems like free time with this mindless behavior. CherryB says that while she often uses her social media accounts to advertise her business or learn more about being an entrepreneur, she will sometimes find herself “scrolling through the ratchet stuff”. Still, she is aware of the ploys and her choices.
101 A report conducted by Nielsen (2017) suggests Facebook is the top social media site among Black women, and that YouTube, Instagram, Twitter, Google+, and LinkedIn are all used by a higher percentage of Black women than they are total U.S. women. So, social media is a major part of the lives of Black women--this is not a figment of these mothers’ imagination. CJ has made it her business to self-regulate when it comes to her consumption of social media in order to stay outside the grasp of those who wish to control and manipulate people and says she basically refuses to be involved in social media on a regular basis due to this message of “change who you are to fit the mold” that is perpetuated therein. The mothers go on to look critically at other sources that cultivate images of Black women. CherryB says, “I love all of reality tv but some of it I can’t watch as much as I used to because it sheds a different light about us. Although it’s a life that people live, it’s also exaggerated at the same time and the exaggeration is kinda out of control.” Many times, during her interview, CherryB referred to marketing and strategies that are employed to change the minds of people. She says her courses in marketing really helped her see what is really (italicized for emphasis) going on in this world and how people are being influenced by constantly hearing certain messages. She says, “The music does so much to us and the fact that I love music so much it scares the heck out of me,” and goes on to explain how people in general but Black people specifically, often fall into these marketing ploys to our own detriment: I used to listen to stuff in front of the kids and Baby Daddy gone let them listen to ‘Pop That Pussy’! I had to censor the stuff I listen to around them. My child was singing that mess and [couldn’t] spell her name! CJ and MOAK both critique and express disgust with the double standards by which Black America and America in general seem to live and how it plays out in our community. They brought up such topics as how professional Black women are often not recognized for their obvious accomplishments instead get slammed for almost anything including what they choose to wear to work while women who posts nude pics and pics of their vagina on social media become stars and marry rich entertainers. They see this as a serious problem that tells so much about the tragedy of what MOAK called the “sleepwalking” that needs to be addressed in the Black community. These single Black millennial mothers are aware that people judge them and treat them differently based on their race in every arena they enter. They also understand that the way they are portrayed by the media plays a big part in adding to
102 the stereotypical images people internalize about Black women, influences the opinions others have of them, and allows people to assign less worth to them. They report that from men to other women, supervisors and co-workers, educators, and people in general, they sense--in people’s interactions with them—an absence of the respect typically shown to women of other races. Some of them even report that they experience—or have in the past—this same disrespectful treatment in their own families when they have decided to demonstrate some self-worth in a particular area of their lives. CJ talks about not being taken seriously as a professional and being seen—by some family members—as having changed since she has gone to college and gotten two degrees. She shares, I can say with family, I feel like I have gotten backlash over it [being educated], having it [education] and [them] feeling I act different. I’m like ‘No, I’ve always been quiet, I’ve always been shy, always been to myself, always been antisocial, always been a book reader, always been this person so it’s like , it’s just me, it’s just how I am.’ But I feel like they see me as ‘oh, you think you know it all or you think… She trails off than returns after a few seconds of quiet thoughtfulness, “I don’t think they take it serious...like...my education. Especially like [my] being a therapist. They don’t take what I say seriously. They just see me as CJ.” When they are the recipient of this maltreatment from other Black people and experience it in the form of self-sabotage, they see it as a result of learned self- hatred and some scholars tend to agree with that assessment (Baszile, 2016; Collins, 2009; Edwards, 2016; hooks, 2015; Lorde, 1984). When they experience it from white people with whom they interact, they see it as a practice of racial superiority with which some scholars would also agree (Drabinski, 2013, Matias, 2016; Mills, 2007; Waters, 2016). These millennial mothers definitely feel they experience the consequences of societies negative images of and lack of respect for single, Black mothers. They feel as if they are constantly looked down upon and not even considered for anything other than support from agencies that can control them (i.e. housing and food assistance that limits where they can afford to live and what they can afford to feed their children). They feel that if they try to lift themselves up, they are not taken seriously. CherryB talks about her experience at the bank where she feels she is literally seen as worth less based upon her race and marital status, I go into to the bank and try to get a personal loan, a business loan or something like that and the lady asked me if I’m married. I’m like “Is that a part of the application process?”
103 And I’m like ok… “No, I’m not”. But through all of that I still didn’t get the loan. Like my credit score is ok, everything is fine, but I feel like just being black and being a single woman, you’re just looked down upon. Part of developing self-efficacy as a mother and first teacher of one’s children includes having a strong sense of self because although self-worth and self-efficacy are not the same, it is difficult to develop an ability to see yourself being able to do what is necessary to meet your goals if you feel worthless as a person (Bandura, 1997). Being able to develop that self-worth in a world that is determined to destroy your sense of value, is key. Freire (2006) maintains that as the oppressed seeks to recover their humanity, they must not become “oppressors of the oppressors, but rather restorers of the humanity of both” (p. 44) making the goal, experiencing collective liberation (Baszile, Edwards, Guillory, 2016; Collins, 2000; Drabinski, 2013; hooks, 1994; Lorde, 1984, 2009; Mills, 2007; Walker; 2006; Waters, 2016). Collective liberation then, can be achieved by engaging together in acts of “radical honesty” (Drabinsky, 2013, ¶ 13) or “commitment to truth telling” (hooks, 2000, p. 53). This move toward radical consciousness and social transformation that places equal value on all people must take place in all spaces we inhabit (personal) and cohabit (public) and bring about realignments in systems as well as individuals (Baszile, Edwards, Guillory, 2016; Collins, 2000, 2016; hooks, Moraga, & Anzaldúa, 2015; hooks, 2009, 2015; Lorde, 1984; Waters, 2016). Bringing diversity into these spaces is a beginning but no matter who is in the room or absent, nothing changes if systemic whiteness remains there unchallenged (Matias, 2016). When these mothers describe their experiences with schools their children attend from daycare facilities to public schools, they tell stories of being ignored, misunderstood, prejudged, and disrespected. AnnaN speaks of attending family events at her girls’ school and feeling invisible to some of the young white female teachers. She tells stories about having to stand up to administrators who punish her children more readily and without feeling the need to communicate with her first--even when she has explained that her salon is literally in walking distance from the school and she could be there within minutes. CherryB speaks of finally having a teacher—at this predominately white school—who seems to care for her daughter. Monica shares how educators behave (showing their biases based upon stereotypical images about who they think she is) when they first meet her or during school events such as conferences. For example, she says,
104 A lot of the teachers and educators they’ll have that initial shock when they meet me. They’ll have those same ideas—she’s single, she’s young, she might not know too much, she might not know what to ask, she might not know what I mean when I say this because she looks young, she’s by herself, she doesn’t look like she’s married, she’s African-American. So, they’re looking at all these different factors and...I think it shocks them because when I start to talk, then you can tell I’m a little bit older than what they may think and that a lot of their stereotypes are just dead wrong. Being the only Black person in a room is seldom seen for what it actually is—a statement of who is worthy to be in the room to begin with and a statement of power over, supremacy to, and benevolence toward this Black person who was allowed into the room (Alcoff, 2007; Mills, 1997 & 2007; Waters, 2016). These mothers share how they feel being seen as strangers in places where they are treated as worth less from their jobs to their children’s schools, from grocery stores to their children’s doctor’s offices. Sometimes they are able to make it work to their benefit and to that of the other people in those spaces but oftentimes, they have to leave the space altogether because the constant battling is just too energy consuming or dangerous for their children. Monica shares her experiences, I feel like in so many of my settings I am the only. You know…at work (my whole floor in this organization of like 700 people) on my floor, I am the only…I am the youngest, I am the only African-American female – there’s one African-American male on the floor. I’ve had to adapt even conversational wise…you know, you’re at a meeting and you’re completely different from them … I mean we don’t look alike, we probably don’t have the same interests, we come from way different backgrounds but we still have to find some kind of common ground so we can hold this conversation otherwise it is gonna be very awkward for the both of us. So that’s why I say the odds are against me and that’s (with what I just described) what I get in a lot of settings. You know, school, taking my daughter to school, a lot of the times I’m the youngest mother in the classroom. She is probably one of two or few African-American students which means I’m gonna be the only African-American mother. I am the only so it kind of sets you up to feel like the odds are against me because they’re coming in (and there may be two or three Caucasian mothers that are linked up) and they have their play dates set up with their kids, their husbands go golf together, they go shop together and it’s like …alright…I’m here!
105 CJ also shares what it is like being the only Black female in her department at work, she feels as if she is stigmatized and—tired of the struggle—often just wants to go home and be with her baby boy. She says, I feel like as I get up in my career being a black woman I find it very difficult with being the only black person at work and seeing the white women with partners and I find myself having that stigma of the black girl with a baby by myself. Them being able to take off work and things like that. And I feel like as I rise in my career there is no time. I find that I’m struggling where I want to stay home with my child but as a black woman you’re the provider so you can’t, yeah. Sitting erect—with eyes searching, roaming back and forth and head shaking left to right—as she explains further about her experiences in spaces where she lives out her life, she goes on, I feel that they [white people] see us as beneath them. As ghetto, as a whore. That’s how I feel when I go places. I really feel like that because like when I’m dressed differently than I might dress at work I feel like they are like “Oh, she’s just another dumb little black girl” but not knowing that the dumb little black girl has created a life for herself, climbed the freakin’ ladder just to make $52,000 and just to say that ain’t enough because my white co- worker makes $55,000. I feel even being black and a woman and going into like the doctors’ offices with my son, they see me as...they don’t see me on the same level as them. They see me as lower and I have to...I let them talk and then I have to educate them on what I know and they just be like, “oh, well…” Yeah, I went to [local university] and have a masters and I have two licenses and I’m working on my independent one in mental health but I also have an independent in substance abuse (italics for emphasis). They just be like, “Oh” and I’m like, uh, yeah…. I know a lot about what’s going on in this hospital because I kinda worked in this field for a very long time. Don’t let the looks fool you because I do look young for thirty years old, I probably look twenty. So, I get that a lot being a black young professional woman. I still get seen as this little ghetto girl. I don’t get seen as equal, not at all. These single Black millennial mothers also feel that if they are to be seen as valuable in their workplaces, they are often expected to make sure white people are not uncomfortable in their presence and scholars speak to this as typical—not just the experience of these mothers (Baszile, Edwards, Guillory, 2016; hooks, 2009; Lorde, 2009; Mills, 2007; Waters, 2016;
106 Walker, 1984). CJ speaks to this issue on her job and says that she is expected to be silent and accept the inequities there which result in lower pay and more work for her due to her race. She refuses to remain quiet about it in order to make her white co-workers and supervisors comfortable and acknowledges that (as her parents remind her) she could probably be fired for standing up for herself. As she replays memories of encounters at work during our interview, she sits straight up with her back against the arm of the sofa and by the end of her story, her voice becomes louder and her eyes fixed, she is obviously disturbed by this, I feel like I get looked down on a lot at work, being a black woman. I feel I struggle on that job because it is a white setting. The first day I started at that job the human resources lady told me going in, “You’re going to be a target,” she’s black and she said, “because you have the skills and you struggled, they didn’t have to struggle.” This one particular coworker, we’re both thirty years old, both went to [a local university] and both have a three-year-old. She has a partner and here I am a single black mother we do the same job but I have more education and years of service. This girl, she just interned and got $55,000 [in salary] while I only got $52,000 and then when I went into the intake position, I did not get a pay increase to $55,000 but you’re supposed to. So, I just feel like you being judged and devalued. So, even if you feel like you made it, you didn’t. Speaking of her and this particular white co-worker, she goes on to explain that although they both do the same job, she feels the job is much easier for her co-worker and that the bosses do not treat them equally. She explains, I feel like I have to work harder to prove myself. Then when I do that, they’re expecting me to do multiple things and it’s okay for this white woman to just do one thing and she gets away with it. I feel like a slave. I feel like...and it happened this week where it was very difficult. Because they like “let her do...[the white co-worker has choices]...No, not let her do it, make her do it (italics for emphasis). And I had no choice because I either do or I could lose my job. This is not the first time they have threatened my job. So, I feel like they hold that carrot over me. You know, like I need this job because I’m a black person and I’m single. But then what I do in return? I tell them, and I did tell them—I probably should have lost my job when I told them this—but I told them I said, “That don’t bother me. You think you holding this job over my head that bothers me? No, the
107 thing you can’t take away from me as a black woman, you can’t take what is innate to me. You can’t take a God given talent, you can’t take skills from me”. CJ says it is a struggle to be quiet and allow people to treat you like you are worth less, pay you less, and give you more work to make you prove yourself as worthy just because you are Black and this was a fight that CJ decided to fight overtly. AnnaN is co-owner of her salon and shares a story about how she was asked to alter her way of scheduling or move her station into the breakroom—a space she had carved out for her children and the children of the other single mothers who are the salon owners. This request came from the only white stylist on staff—who is renting booth space in AnnaN’s salon--and was made because the white stylist and her customers were feeling crowded due to AnnaN’s heavy customer flow. So, as CJ says, “Even when you think you made it…” this was proof to AnnaN that she is seen as worth less even as the salon owner. Here was an attempt—by someone who rents a space in the salon and feels justified in making this request so that she and her white clients could be more comfortable—to put the Black female salon owner “in her place”. Then there is the issue of being worthy of love that the mothers brought up during their interviews. The five mothers share that finding a mate who respects them and values them for the women they are is extremely challenging. It is often difficult to recognize the internalized racism, sexist behavior, generations of learning to repress feelings, and self-hatred that gets in the way of Black men and women being in loving relationships with themselves, each other, and their children—(Bambara, 1970; Collins, 2000; hooks, 2015). Yet, and largely due to motherhood, maturity, and for some support from their spiritual guides, these mothers are learning the art of doing their work of choosing themselves—being aware of, accepting of, loving toward themselves—while remaining hopeful that they will attract the love they deserve. CJ, talks about dropping out of the “power struggle” of this social media driven world and wanting to get back to just being her true self—the true self that is worth loving without all the physical enhancements and photoshopping. She wants a companion and is staying hopeful but finding it challenging because she feels men don’t seem to want an authentic woman anymore. She says, “It wasn’t all this glitz and glam. Snapchat, all this stuff. It just wasn’t all that!” She doesn’t like it. CJ leans into the sofa with her eyes wide and full of bubbly energy as she expresses,
108 It’s hard to find a man - girl. Because everybody wanna be a player. It’s just different now. In a bad way because it’s not authentic anymore. It’s just not, we’re all trying to post up. I feel like in January I want to take the weave out, I’m going to get off my birth control. I just want to be natural. I like my nails though, I have real long nails. I feel like if I go back to trying to be original then the rest will fall [into place], the man and all but if I’m forcing things I don’t feel like it’ll go. And I feel like now in our day we’re forcing it, we’re making up stuff. CherryB also talks about her growth over time which includes learning her worth and choosing wisely when looking for companionship, as well as, getting back to herself—choosing herself. She discusses having and demanding respect for oneself and finding a way out of relationships if “the emotional part of it is not uplifting you” and suggests, The signs are normally there within the first couple of months and if they are there run…head for the hills …I don’t care how fine he is, how much money he has, what the D is like, none of that. If he does not respect you, move forward. It’s hard because they be so fine and it’s just so hard to let that go. But my thing is if you learn to let it go the first time the second time, the third time (because we’re gonna go through them)…but if you learn…I’m gonna go back to that marketing…on that seventh time, you should understand what you need in your life and can probably pin point that in conversation probably within the first 24-48 hours and if you can do that you’ll probably live a better life and be happy. CherryB calls out several “marketing tactics” that keep Black people preoccupied by and bombarded with negativity that does not lead to healthy relationships. She states, Social media is about being a side chick, being a main girl, being a wife, who you can have sex with, ummm, who you gonna fight, uh who you gonna talk about tomorrow, telling all your problems. I mean that’s the millennials we are here in the flesh. Like, that’s all we know because that’s all we’re fed. So, it’s just like I don’t know…something’s gotta shake. AnnaN, MOAK, and Monica all talk about their desire for a mate yet deciding that they are too valuable to settle for less than what they know is best for them and their children. Black men, they feel, have learned to believe and help perpetuate the hype/negative stereotypes about black women being loud and virtually worthless sexual toys to be played with then tossed on the
109 shelf next the television remote and video game controller while they go on to the next one. As CherryB put it when she described her eight-year relationship with the father of her children, “He never believed in me, I never felt that love, I always felt void from him... only thing good was the sex and him paying all the bills.” While there are many reasons why Black men and women act out in ways that dishonor themselves and one another reducing each other to “genitalia and a paycheck” (Jones, 1994, p. 267), hooks (2015) suggests it is animosity—as a residual of living under white supremacy—that has taken up residence in the minds, spirits, and souls of Black folk and poisoned our relationships with each other. CherryB studied marketing and talked about how the negative images of Black women and messages undermining positive Black relationships is perpetuated throughout the media from social media to television and the music that’s being streamed for us as a target audience. Visibly disturbed but in a far-off trance-like state, she recalls a song she recently heard: Listening to these men and music that discriminates against us…it’s just…I heard a song the other day …he was like, “Is you fucking tonight? If not I’ve got a backup plan.” So now you thinking... I got this man, if I don’t give it to him now he probably got a backup plan. Along with the concern that Black men are being trained to see Black women and parenting in a negative way, several of the mothers shared their experience with Black men who seem to prefer women of other races. AnnaN says, “Then there are good men out here but the good ones want the white women.” CJ, who says she too has dated men of other races, shared a story of a date she had with a Black man and how disrespected she felt by his demeaning comments about the differences between Black women and White women. They were seated close to an older White couple and she was sure they overheard the conversation. That made it even more demeaning for her. A [Black] guy said this to me two weeks ago, we were on a date. He said something like, ‘Yeah the white women are winning.’ Girl I almost came across that damn table, girl….and a white man and woman was sitting there and I said, “Don’t you dare!” He was like, “Girl, stop.” I was just like “Woooooo, you won’t be getting another date, how about that!” I feel like for us it just is sad and it makes it easier for you [Black women] to just settle because you like ain’t nobody gonna love me. I told him that I felt disrespected. I was like, “That’s just really rude.” He was like, “See that’s just what I’m
110 talking about. You getting all mad and stuff. See, if I expressed myself to a white woman she would not get all mad and stuff that’s all y’all do.” I said, “You might need to take me home”. He was like, “CJ no look…CJ they [the white couple seated nearby] can hear you.” I said, “I don’t care because you just said this to a black woman”. He was like, “Alright CJ”. “No, it’s not alright, that’s just a turn off! You gonna sit up and say ‘White girls winning’?” The conversation continued with CJ telling him how when it comes to what is considered beautiful and desirable in a woman, there is a double standard that works against Black women. For example, she reminds him that our natural beauty is considered ugly—our big lips, large hips, big butts, natural hair—but as soon as White women started presenting with big lips, big butts, and cornrows, it was beautiful and acceptable. I can feel her pain and anger as she recalls the accounts of this date. The embarrassment, degradation, hurt, and pain of non-acceptance by the world and especially Black men is so evident and so real. She says, “They [Black men] think ‘I can have it all with a white girl versus a black girl and her mouth’.” She even alludes to a government conspiracy to elevate white women and devalue the Black woman, one that many scholars (Boylorn, 2008; Collins, 2009; Gilens, 2000; hooks, 2015) have written about only they credit mass media for creating this disdainful image of Black people in general and Black women specifically. No matter who or what is behind this campaign to keep Black women in the seat of the scorned, they refuse to settle for less anymore even if it means celibacy and being alone until the right mate surfaces. CJ speaks about what it was like being in a relationship that was not honoring her and says, I was hurting myself. I allowed him to do the things he was doing because I forgot my worth. Seems like [even] with this new guy….it’s not clicking because I’m not aligned with it. So, if I have to be in my own organic vegan home we [she and her son] just gonna be by ourselves. They got vibrators for that. I’ve never used it but I’ll get somebody to teach me. We share a laugh at that last comment. The mothers who participate in this study are well aware of the devaluing messages circulating about Black women, Black mothers, and single Black mothers. They observe as these messages play out in the world at large and in their individual lives on a daily basis feeling a number of different ways about it all. They eagerly responded to the question on images others
111 have of and worth others assign to them, shared how they feel about those perspectives, and thoughtfully discussed the evolution of their self-image and self-worth. In later conversations, some of them revealed that having the awareness of these notions of image—self-imposed or those imposed by outsiders—and having engaged in the act of deconstructing these images (whether before, during, or as a result of this study) they were able to see more clearly and make some life changing decisions. Not only are they making changes in how they determine their own image and worth, they are equipping their children to do the same—to know and determine who they are and their worth for themselves—by making sure they demonstrate how to stand up (internally and externally) in a world that wants them to sit down or die. They are teaching their children mantras, survival behaviors, and ways of living that will push them to strive and thrive in this world that devalues them based upon the color of their skin. They mention that they often take what they learned from mentors and share it with their offspring. They also attempt to right any wrongs from previous generations that they feel cause us to feel less valuable as well as undeserving of self-love, respect, and the love of another. MOAK says she speaks honestly with her two-year-old son as that is what her mother did for her when she was a very young child. MOAK remembers they would have “real raw conversations” about real life situations like discrimination and inappropriate sexual contact—the life her mother experienced as a child. She says this comes directly as a result of her mother’s “determination to make sure that part of history was never repeated”. These millennial mothers are right in line with where their generational peers are when it comes to becoming more aware of the perspectives others have of them, recognizing how it affects them individually and collectively, and are being more thoughtful and intentional about who they really are, how they choose to be, and the images they put out into the world about both. According to several reports (Nielsen, 2016, 2017), Black people are using social media, our own tv networks and stations, music, hashtags, and every means necessary to get the message out that it’s time for a change and we have turned that corner! For example, My Black is Beautiful, Black Lives Matter, Black Love, The Talk, Black Girl Magic, and Black Girls Rock are just a few movements that are aimed at creating and disseminating a new vision, a new image, a new way of knowing and displaying Blackness in a more self-loving and compassionate way. These new campaigns are a response to the negativity that is so often spewed about,
112 through, and mainly for Black people but also negativity being used to maintain the hatred for and fear of us others have been taught to espouse. We must get back to love of self if we are to love and transform mankind as a whole (hooks, 2000; Lorde, 2009). In other words: The quality of light by which we scrutinize our lives has direct bearing upon the product which we live, and upon the changes which we hope to bring about through those lives. It is within this light that we form those ideas by which we pursue our magic and make it realized. (Lorde, 1985, pg. 1)
Theme 5: Choosing To Determine Their Own Destiny
These mothers are questioning what they see and hear about themselves as Black women and mothers and refuse to be defined by others. Furthermore, they feel the need to critically question how they are treated as they will not accept being treated as if they are worth less than anyone else or altogether worthless. They see all the attacks as an attempt to stop them from achieving their highest potential, being their best selves, and having control over their destiny. Success and the tools used to measure it can be tricky for single mothers who often need a hand as they attempt to “do it all” as AnnaN, CJ, CherryB, and Monica put it. All four of these mothers have at one time or another received assistance through community service agencies and, as was previously discussed, they have been made to feel as if they are failures due to their need for that assistance. CherryB describes her experience with the agency workers saying, “their look says to me ‘you didn’t make it because you need our help’. But in all actuality it’s like I need your help because he [father of her children] didn’t make it.” She believes that dealing with people who look down their noses at single mothers is something they will constantly be faced with and says, “just because we’re black it’s gonna always be a challenge for us to do anything.” Another space in which these women often find themselves fighting to have control over their lives is where they are the only or one of very few Black people. In such a space the message is often understood [to the “outsider”] as, “You don’t have the same value as we do. One of you on the team is enough.” Yet, while this wears on them spiritually and emotionally, they sometimes find a way to make it work to their advantage—other times they tolerate it just until they can create another option for themselves. Monica reflects upon what it is like to be
113 different from all others around you at work, at her daughter’s school, in her world, “Sometimes the odds are against me but I think that those challenges have helped me kind of form a shell for myself.” Part of her strategy for forming that “shell” is engaging with herself in positive self- talks before entering those spaces where she will be “the only” as she labels it, “This is what you need to do. This is what to expect. Don’t feel any less superior because of that [your difference]. You know you can handle the situation appropriately.” She says she refuses to let those characteristics that others might see as negative stifle her because as she puts it, “You can kind of flip them up and make them work for you.” For example, as the only African American at her job, she often conducts diversity trainings for the staff. These mothers understand that relying on a systems—some which are designed to dismantle Black families (quote from source on welfare) will keep us limited and trapped by that very system. It will dictate where we live, what we eat, where we can and cannot go, and basically how we experience life—life that was given to us not by this system but by the Creator of all—and we refuse to continue to give that power away! So, when it is all said and done and these mothers feel they can’t find a way to make their current situation work to their advantage, they find the strength to change their situation—choose their own path. CJ shared her experience with being the only Black woman in her department at work and being treated unfairly from the amount of pay she received to the amount of work she was expected to do for that salary. At times she accepted it quietly and other times she gave her supervisor a piece of her mind about it. Two weeks before our video chat reflection session, taking her destiny into her own hands, she quit her job and within a week, had another job at her previous place of employment, higher pay, and more flexibility which allows her to honor her commitment to her son. She feels like she gained to courage to make the move after our one-on-one interview when she was able to hear herself talk about what she needs to make her life more beneficial to her and her son. Not only do these mothers feel they have to guard themselves from attacks against their right to choose their own path in White America, they feel they have to remember that the bullies on social media do not get to tell them how to live. AnnaN even shared that there are social media groups consisting of Black men and women who speak negatively about single mothers who use these types of assistance and/or request child support from the fathers of their children saying they need to take care of the children they chose to have on their own. These mothers say they agree that having their children was their choice but no one in their right mind could deny
114 that it was also the choice of the fathers who obviously did nothing to prevent having children. Yet, while men can easily walk away if they choose, it is not that simple for mothers. Having experience with this situation—the father of her youngest child has not seen their daughter in more than four years—AnnaN warns other mothers, When you choosing these fathers. Women just choosing any fathers, lying with anybody. Choose a father who wants to be in their child’s life. Choose a father who’s telling you that they want a family with you that want this and that. Not just accidently having children with these men. Cause they don’t care about their own life, they not about to stop and love on your child. some men who don’t take their life seriously. AnnaN also spoke on some Black men’s lack of direction in being parents to their children saying, These millennial mothers might have it hard because these men are just not into the family life. They don’t want to be with the baby mamas. They baby mamas have this bad luck like we bitter and this and that. Men value the step moms or the other woman and her kids. They [Black men] didn’t have a father. [My youngest daughter’s] dad had his father so I don’t know. I think it’s a self-hate type of thing sometimes. I don’t think some black men value their history, where they came from. They don’t really. I don’t think that black men, I don’t know how to even put it. They didn’t have anybody to show them so they know what to do. They only know how to be co-parents cause that’s all they had or that’s all they have time for. Some people want kids to say they have kids or just to show them off. They don’t want that daily responsibility of having kids and you [the mother] don’t have a choice. Although it seems that this negative talk from those who live outside of these mothers’ life experiences (often including the fathers of their children) does wear heavily on the minds of these mothers at times, they all speak of not allowing it to get them down about themselves, their choices, or their future goals. They still encourage themselves and one another to keep pursuing their dreams. CherryB explains how she does this, You have to surround yourself with people who genuinely care about you people who love you. You have to learn how to tune certain things out because if you can’t it’s gonna affect you in a way that its gonna affect your future, your kids, the people around you. AnnaN says,
115 It’s a certain life I want to live and certain people I want to be around. Certain things I’m not going to allow because coming from where I came from (and I’m trying to get somewhere) I can’t allow people to bring me down or have people in my way. These single Black millennial mothers say they refuse to sit back and be victims of someone else’s plot to destroy them and their children as they have learned that they have choices and the power to take action in their lives (Collins, 2009; Lorde, 1984). They vow to celebrate themselves, their successes, and create their own destiny. As it relates to self- determination and destiny, where she has been and where she is going as a woman, entrepreneur, and mother, AnnaN shares that she has learned to show herself compassion. As one who knew at the age of five that she wanted to be a hairstylist, she admits that at times she wrestles with being impatient with her progress and has been hard on herself. Attempting to be gentler and kinder to herself she says, I try to not be too tough on myself but it seems like it took forever to get to where I am. All the things I have, I should have been done. [That] is how I look at it. Then I just know the truth...I get things done! But it’s a struggle to get it done so, when I finally get it done I make myself feel good about it. [For example] I didn’t have $100.00 this week and I made $200.00...and I be happy. I respect myself more now that I have shown myself that I can do certain things. I look at myself in a higher standpoint than before. More self-esteem I guess ‘cause I’m getting where I wanna be. I’m not where I want to be yet and far from it but, I feel good about who I am because I’ve seen where I have been. People who don’t know where I’ve been before this point, might not know how to look at me. They might not know what it took to get where I’m at. Monica talked about all the goals she achieved as a young adult, pregnant, and unwed college graduate who was able to secure a job for herself and says, “I think along with me achieving my goals, my confidence got higher and higher.” This practice in agency and self-efficacy is what she believes empowers her towards determining her own destiny. Positive self-talk, what Bandura (1997) calls verbal encouragement and says is one of the ways self-efficacy is nurtured, has had an impact on positive change, belief in one’s ability to carry out whatever task is at hand in order to reach a desired outcome. AnnaN explains how she engages in positive self-talk--to gently admonish herself to continue to reach her goals while speaking affirmations—to keep herself encouraged,
116 ...just not doubting myself, if it’s something I want to do, I know that I’ll do it the best way that I can. If it’s something I don’t want to do, I’m not gonna do it because I know I’m not going to put my all into it. I don’t talk down on myself like “girl, you know you trippin’.” I just look at it like, I’ve been friends with these girls for years, we should have been opened this salon. I should been bought a car, I should have been got out this house, I say that to myself but I’m not being hard on myself it’s just that’s the next step. It always gets done but not on my time. Not when I want it... just try to prepare myself to put myself in the position and get all the things I need in the right order and telling myself that it can be done and actually going to do it. [For example] Tomorrow I’m going to do this, tomorrow I’m going to do that. I’m not going to do everything in one day (take it easy on myself) but I should be doing a lot better than what I’m doing even though I’m doing good. That’s what I tell myself, like ‘girl you are doing good but you better start doing better’, that’s how I look at myself. That’s my motivation to not get comfortable with where I am. The mothers suggest that they have learned to quiet themselves and take some time to simply be alone with themselves, a good book, or their spiritual guides. They feel these behaviors have helped them begin to be more thoughtful about and reflective on their personal and professional dreams, goals, and plans, as well as their parenting practices. These are some of the tactics that help them self-soothe and stay focused on their journey to their destinations when the world is attempting to grind them into dust (Lorde, 1984). Monica suggests that this act of determining for herself a more suitable future must be accomplished by acknowledging and accepting that she has learned unhealthy behaviors from elders but chooses to unlearn those habits while creating new patterns, I look back in hindsight and listen to things that my mother told me about my grandmother and I look at the relationship that her and my dad have then I look at the relationships that I’ve had and I’m like, “Oh ok. Probably came from this or probably something I’ve learned.” I think all behavior is learned so [although] I feel like generations prior to me may have used that template and just gone with it, millennials know that it’s okay to kinda color outside of the lines and you don’t necessarily have to do what mom and dad did or what grandma did. I think being a single black mother, I
117 kinda transform myself you know. I’ve had to be independent for so long that when I make a decision I do it for me. Whether “coloring outside the lines” as Monica puts it, or thinking outside the box to find ways to self soothe and sustain their energy in order to continue battling, Black women are in no way strangers to finding creative ways to fight for the right to decide their future and often are fighting even when it appears to outsiders that they are not (Collins, 2009; Cruz, Okoh, Gooden, Spates, Elue, & Rousseau, 2016; Griffin, 2016; hooks, 1984, 2000, 2015; Moraga, & Anzaldúa, 2015; Morton, 2016; Walker, 1983; ). Without exception, these mothers expressed, as a Black woman you have to choose strategic ways to fight your battles, because not all of them are worth an open fight and choosing to fight them all in this way would mean exhaustion from being in a constant state of war--battle fatigue. However, they believe the sparring that has to be done (physically, spiritually, or mentally) to survive this warfare and thrive despite of it has increased their sense of self-efficacy in their ability to know and do what needs to be done to show and prove to themselves and their children that they can do what is needed to care for themselves and their families. Furthermore, it has helped them prepare their children to enter the ring and defend themselves from what is sure to come their way during their lifetime in America (Matias, 2016). These mothers also address the notion of an attack on the self-determination of the entire Black community not just on them as individuals. The fact that they did so, is directly in line with how Blacks of African descent see how we be—exist and know—not as simply our own individual destiny but a destiny based upon our relationship with others (Ladson-Billings, 2000). It is this “system of knowing…[that] serve[s] as both counterknowledge and liberating tools for people who have suffered (and continue to suffer) from the Euro-American regime of truth” (Ladson-Billings, 2000, p. 257). We learn about love, managing relationships, and caring for others in our homes but “love will not be present if the grown-ups who parent don’t know how to love (hooks, 2000, p.19). Scholars (Collins, 2009; hooks, 2000, 2015) suggest there are so many myths that Black people have been taught to believe that are destroying our communities, one that applies here is that if Black women would just be more submissive and let the man lead/dominate, we would rise as a people. Another one is seeking mental health services is a sign of weakness and lack of faith. Still another is that we can “leave dysfunctional family settings and be ready to love when we meet that ‘special’ person” (hooks, 2015, p.116). The truth is that until we unlearn the ways
118 of a sexist, capitalist, racist society we will not be ready to heal our relationships, families, and communities (Collins, 2009; hooks, 2015, Lorde, 1984, 2009; Walker, 2006). These millennial parents are the children who were born during the crack epidemic from the 1980s to early 1990s. The children, whose parents were absent, were often left to be raised by grandmothers. MOAK speaks to this during her interview as she describes millennials, Some millennials were raised by a fifteen-year-old, some by a twenty-year-old and some by a thirty-year-old who was still trying to be fifteen. A lot of millennials grew up in the crack era where mom was on it, dad was on it, or both were on it. I have friends whose grandparents raised them because mom and dad were both just out there. Then some friends’ grandmom raised them. Since most of us learn parenting from our parents, if they are absent physically, mentally, or emotionally perhaps what one may learn is to be absent as a parent (hooks, 2000). Reports (Nielsen, 2017) suggest that almost half (49 percent) of Black women having never been married, including 81 percent of Black millennial women. This report goes on to say that many Black women are raising families by themselves with Black single mothers heading 44 percent of Black American family households, and raising 57 percent of all Black American children. If we are determined to rebuild families in our Black communities, we must overcome, we must reclaim our sense of agency in our ability to determine how we will nurture our children as family units. CherryB expresses the desire for a husband for herself and stepfather for her children, “It’s hard, I know what I want to do as a single mom, as a millennial mom, you know where I want to be. I don’t want to be single. I want the same thing everybody else wants I want a husband.” She continues, “You know, my daughter says, ‘Mom when I’m gonna get my step-dad and my little brother?’ and I be like, ‘Girl, whenever he come around.’ But the fact that she asks, means I know it’s time. Time for us.” Millennials moms, in CherryB’s experience, have been desensitized to disrespect and often mistake it as love. She believes media and marketing has trained them to accept it as normal behavior. She says, “As millennial moms about the domestic violence situation, even if a woman is being beat up, spit on, cussed out talked down to, we don’t care because we want to be loved and we feel like that is love.” Furthermore, CherryB feels that living in the pain of the past can be a trap and inhibit her from manifesting her self-determined destiny to be a loving wife to some deserving man. She
119 shares what she often goes through in her mind when she begins a new relationship and it looks like it might just be a good situation, Because we’ve [millennials] been through it [abuse] so much, when that man comes around and does everything you ever wanted you think something wrong with him. “Dang he must be gay”, or “Something wrong with him”, “he wants something from me”, “can I trust him?”. We question it but it’s what we asked for and deserve. So, once we get it, we just don’t know how to just calm down. If he doesn’t call for a couple hours…I’m real clingy and I might start questioning myself ...did I do, or say something wrong? Or I’m thinking maybe he’s just being disrespectful…cause I’m used to that man who is not gonna compliment me, not gonna tell me I’m beautiful, not going to say “I love you” and I’m thinking he’s gonna be the same way because I’ve been through it so much. Domestic violence is serious…there’s a lot of groups you can be a part of on social media that help you see you are a queen, you are worth it, you are worth more than you think. To CherryB’s comment on the benefit of social media self-help groups, AnnaN adds, “We have access to come together with other single mothers from other states. And social media can bring people together to be able to talk about different things.” But, while a few of the mothers see some good in social media, others disagree that there is benefit to it and feel it is exacerbating the problems we experience in bonding as a people. With a critical eye, CJ sees that part of the problem in rebuilding loving connections in the Black community is that social media is taking the place of personal interaction, It [how people relate to one another] like shifted ever since we had Facebook. It’s like it shifted and everybody is like ‘take a picture of me’ and then like we had to be this way and that way and everybody is just for themselves. Not coming together collectively. I don’t know where it stems from but it’s probably like the government did something and it just shifted, because it’s like everybody is like that now and it’s hard to trust each other. MOAK sees it exactly as CJ does stating, “We’ve forgotten how to stick together. Instagram famous, instant gratification, I’ve got to have this many likes, this many followers. Like who are you letting into our life? I just want to be seen...please see me”. She talks of people sitting around the dinner table ignoring one another while “connecting” to the world through social media and parents not being willing to attend to their children because they are
120 preoccupied with social media. She mimics a mother saying, “I can’t read you that book because I’m on Instagram.” So, is it all the fault of crack and social media or does it also come from past generations and a history rooted in pain, fear, and learned self-hatred? Scholars suggest it results from the traumatic history of Blacks in America from slavery to recent history (Bey, 2016; Collins, 2016; hooks, 2015; Leary, 2005; Lorde, 1984; Moraga & Anzaldúa 2015; Nabler, 2016; Walker, 2006). The venom spewed against Black women--that which continues to threaten the Black family and community—does seem to creep into our most intimate relationships beginning at home with how we are treated, what we are taught to accept, and how we learn to treat other women. Some of the mothers made a connection between slavery, their mothers, and foremothers as part of the problem of what has gone wrong in the Black family. CherryB and MOAK believe historically some women stirred the pot of division based upon skin color--the field slave versus the house slave narrative. MOAK talks how this poison showed up in her family when at the age of only four, her grandmother or Big Momma, as she calls her, treated her badly because she was lighter in complexion. She, like many scholars, believes this is a direct result of slavery and with pain and a bit of disgust in her face and voice, she says, “Like...you hate! That’s self-hatred and that also was taught.” Which she says was the plan on the plantation when slave owners decided they could keep slaves from overtaking them by keeping division between them. She imitates the slave master, “‘Let’s divide them. I’m gon’ rape your momma’. I’m gon’ bring you in the house to work for me and make you hate your sister’. But y'all both came out the same womb!” She says this learned self-hatred and division was part of her Big Momma’s problem and went all the way back to Big Momma’s maltreatment of her own younger sister, MOAK’s aunt, who was also lighter complected. MOAK remembers that as a child, her grandmother would refuse to watch her and would refer to her a half-breed and a bitch. She says she grew up with prejudice in her own family and declares, Maybe that’s why my skin’s so tough now—it doesn’t really bother me because I’ve experienced that. You know family is the best teacher. This was my maternal grandmother! I feel like Oprah in The Color Purple, “All my life I had to fight!” She goes on to tell how that venom is handed down from generation to generation in her family,
121 I have a cousin who will tell her kids, “shut up before I slap the shit outta you” and “I'll slap you so hard your kids will feel it.” I’m like “What do you mean shut up before you slap the shit outta them? Damn how hard you gonna hit her? She’s only eight.” MOAK agrees with scholars who say this behavior is the result of years of oppression and the lack of and coupled with our failure to seek out mental health support to assist us (the Black community) work through this collateral damage (Collins, 2016; hooks, 2015; Lorde, 1984). During our discussion about domestic violence, she links it right back to the root. She says, It’s [domestic violence] not necessarily physical but it can be emotionally, spiritually, mentally. And mental is the worse because once they have your mind…which is what white supremacists understand…because we can take the shackles off their feet but the shackles are still on their minds so we still have control of them. Mental domestic violence is the worst kind of violence and there’s a lot of it going on and it’s not necessarily man to woman, it can be mother to daughter, or woman to man. A mother may hurt her child because she has allowed the man to hurt her. MOAK becomes pensive, her eyes fixed and deeply sincere as she discusses how some Black people once overcame the bondage of the aftereffects of slavery and created a solid future for themselves until it was destroyed by Whites who feared their progress. She says, After the chains were taken off us physically there had to be a mental change and not everybody with our melanin experienced that mental change. However, there are many of us who did, but I think that we have allowed that constant fight against us to constantly divide us because Tulsa Oklahoma is real. They [Black people] had their own banks, own grocery stores, own schools...everything. And the government knew...like, these people they are getting too powerful…it’s like we’ve forgotten the struggle …like we’ve forgotten our history. Yeah, some of us forgot it like it never happened. She feels we can get back there if we can remember and learn from our history, stop searching for approval from White America, and create our own plan for our future. She suggests we just need to, ...get past trying to be accepted by people who really already accept us so much that they want to be us…like that’s what we need to understand. We don’t have to win their acceptance because we have it. We need to regroup, replan, and rebuild. They accept us
122 already. [Current POTUS] knows they can’t make America great again without us being here! Are you serious? CherryB suggested there are women in her family to this very day who she does not have a positive relationship with and says she has no idea what happened in her family to cause such division. She says, It starts with our families, our mothers our grandmothers our aunts. My grandmother I don’t even talk to her and the crazy part is she does hair and it hurts a lot but I don’t even know what happened. Some people just don’t respect me period, I don’t know maybe it’s a millennial thing…I don’t know it starts with the women in our families though so if you look at the women in your family, sometimes you determine what is person is like just from seeing that. But I think that mostly, you’re surrounding yourself and knowing what it is you need in your life you kinda change yourself and I believe I changed myself because nobody has given me no directions. My aunt cuss me out, I cuss her out too. And sometimes that’s probably the reason why I act the way I do. I feel like if you don’t have respect for those women in our life, you probably not gonna have respect for someone that’s not a part of your family. She talks about conversations with her cousins and how they all vow not to repeat the patterns of their mothers, “Girl you like your momma, I’m like my momma” and they was like, “I ain’t gone be like them.” And my momma always say, “I’m not gonna be like my momma” because it’s just like an evilness going on. You just try to figure out what it is, or what happened, or where does that stem from? Why are we so distant? But it takes understanding what it is you have to do to change yourself sometimes. My mom, she’s the lover and the caregiver and I get that solely from her. She showed me what love was as a mother. That’s probably why I treat my children the way I do. But it took her a very long time, to me, to show us love, or to hug us, or even tell us that she loved us. She went through situations in her life. CherryB continues by saying all this has “a major effect” on the way she deals with her girls at times. It’s a major effect. It affects you. Like the other night was folding clothes and they [her girls] wanted to put on a show for me...a little play, and I was like, “Girl, I‘m trying to
123 fold clothes leave me alone I don’t feel like hearing it!” And I see the oldest starting to get it…she’s starting...she get it…she’s starting to understand that like either I’m emotionally upset...something is wrong…I mean it takes a toll on my children my oldest is starting to see it…then they wanted to do the little play I really wasn’t paying them no mind at all. She [the oldest daughter] was just like, “Well, Mommy doesn’t really care so I’m about to go to bed.” And I don’t really know how to fine-tune that because, you know my mom is a loving person now, but back then I didn’t get that much love. I might be doing something at school or I might be a part of something and they never really came and now I think they’re making up for it as I’m grown. They making up for it and I used to tell my mom, “Y’all used to take trips 24/7 and y’all used to leave us at the house all the time.” And I started seeing that in me too. And even like when I go to the store or I don’t know...I’m going somewhere…I’m trying to drop off the kids. I don’t know. Like I’m trying to drop them off. But now something’s changed. It’s like, “I’m going to the grocery store, y’all going too. Let’s go, let’s do it together.” And my daughter started saying like, “This is the best family!” you know she started saying that. These mothers definitely are aware of the patterns of behavior and how it affects the future of their families and the well-being of their children. Awareness is the first step to change and it is amazing to see them taking this step but, mothers can’t be held totally responsible for healing the Black family. bell hooks (2015) suggests Black people are in need of collective healing and writes about community as “a healing place” (p. 115) that is necessary for our wellness as a group and as individuals. Black women have traditionally taken care of everyone--whites (for survival or money), our mates (even when they have abused and dishonored us), fathers, brothers, and children (those we bore and those we loved as our own)—all for the greater good, often to protect their secrets or reputations, but almost always at the expense of self-care (Collins, 2000; hooks, 2000, 2015; Lorde, 2009). However, unity and liberation for our communities cannot materialize at the expense of Black women and that all members of the community must engage in healing work (Collins, 2009; hooks, 2015, Lorde, 1984, 2009). I can recall a conversation my own father had with me when I was in fourth grade in which he taught me that as a woman I could expect men to be unfaithful to me because “That is just how men are wired. All men are dogs,” he said. My father told me that men would always
124 hurt me because even if they wanted to be true, they couldn’t it was not in their nature to love the way I wanted love. This was a lesson he not only shared with me and my sister often in discussion, but proved in his actions towards my mother (including domestic abuse and extramarital affairs) and to me as he eventually dated and married my “best friend” after divorcing my mother. I often link these lessons my father’s life taught me to my struggle with relationships and, thankfully, many visits to therapy. I connect it to my continuous pursuit of happiness in an attempt to prove him wrong, to prove I was lovable and that someone would love me in a healthy way. I believe the fact that I was in some type “committed” relationship from the age of twelve until the age of fifty-one was due to my need to prove to myself that I was worthy of real love—not the fate my father decided was mine as a woman. What I found quite interesting was that none of the mothers in the study talked of negative influences or learned patterns of behaviors from their own fathers or their paternal ancestry when identifying reasons for their relationship choices, lack of connection to promising relationships, or demise of the Black family and community. It seemed they feel that all the negativity in their families stemmed from the women or at least that was all they discussed. However, they did seem to see other Black men in general, men who fathered their children, and their children’s paternal grandfathers as part of the concern. AnnaN and CJ mentioned the possibility that the fathers who do not care for their children may not have had a positive role model, CJ speaks about the father of her son and his experience, I think it stems from his father because his mother talks to you more. His parents were married but his father wasn’t active in his life. He was there but didn’t go to his games and he was like the star of the family. He was in AAU basketball, traveling and all this stuff. He was the kid, the bomb, and his dad wasn’t there. This made him go out and get in trouble and I feel like it just made him mean. He’s just mean but both his mother and father grew up in homes that were filled with domestic violence. So, that brought two unhealthy people together. AnnaN says that whether the issue is the lack of models for men or their decision to do as little as possible, it is the mothers who have to ultimately demand more from fathers even if they are not in the home. Although she states this does not always work, she feels it is important for mothers to speak up. Then if he still refuses to be a father she says, “If you got to go, you got to go. And I’m still gon’ be okay.” She states,
125 Men get comfortable with the way things are. They just do what they want whenever they want. It’s up to the mother to feed, clothe them and they just give us money and they think that’s just what it is. That’s all the state requires them to do is pay child support just to keep a license. They think the money is everything. So, it’s important to teach these fathers that it’s more than the child support. Yeah. MOAK mentioned that even when some Black boys see their father treating their mother very well, they may get it in their minds that their father is being less than manly for doing so. She explains, [The] male perspective on violence toward a woman can come from outside the family. They may have seen their dad take care of their mom and see him as a bitch, ‘I’m not doing that’. They can pick it up from other people’s houses, television, music. So, parents have to monitor their children’s lives. Scholars (hooks, 2000, 2015; Walker, 2006) sees religion as part of what has kept patriarchy, male dominance, and racial superiority alive and well. However, they agree that practices such as self-love, spiritual activism, self-care, and self-actualization are pathways and tools that will lead to our recovery (Anzaldua, 2015; Baszile, 2016; Collins, 2009; Cruz, Okoh, Gooden, Spates, Elue, & Rousseau, 2016; hooks, 1992, 2000, 2015; Ross, 2016; Scott, 2016). Along those same lines, these mothers look at religion and spirituality as part of what allows them to be resilient against the attacks on their ability to remain self-determined and focused on meeting their own life goals regardless to what the world has to say about them. Only one, MOAK, says she attends church on a regular basis. However, they all share their belief in a divine being, describe it quite differently, and manifest their beliefs and practices in different ways. AnnaN believes in God but suggests she is: Letting go of my religious background and being more in tune with me and the spirit in me. Yeah, it just made me a better person. Not depending on no Christianity to make me a better person. I need it [spirituality] within me. Just kinda focusing on that. I don’t want to depend on man or another preacher to lift my spirits up. Maybe it helps for some people but I know within me I look at myself and I know I can become a better woman without all that. I know there’s a god. I just try to stay leveled and know in my heart what I need to do. Just keep a righteous mind. But that’s how I look at myself and I don’t know if people see that in me but people who know me will know the difference between now
126 and then. I may not have completely changed but try to stay focused and put myself in the position where I don’t have to struggle or whatever. CJ believes God has been a major factor in her ability to meet her goals and says, “I feel like you speak what you want into existence. I believe if you keep speaking things into existence that God somehow makes a way.” MOAK spoke of God having a “plan” for her and “preparing” her for it. CherryB says she does not attend church but attributes all her success to God and her faith in Him. She says, God puts you in so many different situations he wants you to understand what your life is supposed to be like...so you ‘ll know you need to appreciate certain things in life…one thing you need to appreciate is breathing and life in general and once we begin to appreciate life. So, it’s important for us to keep the faith if you cannot keep your faith and have a relationship with God that it will never work. I think it’s God first then unity. So, maybe we do have to teach our millennial moms or the ones coming behind us or just the one that need our help in general that if you believe in God, and you know who He is, and you ask Him to guide your footsteps and your path, you’ve won at that point. But you have to really give your all. You have to ‘let go, and let God’ as they say. ‘Cause if you don’t …I mean He knows what’s gonna happen tomorrow and the next day. He knows what you’re gonna do but you just have to believe it. I truly believe He is on my side ‘cause when I say He comes through for me all the time, He comes through for me 24/7 days a week when I least expect it. But He’s not going to give you everything you want until He knows that you can take on the challenge of everything He gives you. I know my time is coming but He just wants you to understand that He’s in control and He want you to take it a step at a time, I guess. Our intellectuals (mothers and scholars) agree that one improves her situation and reclaims power over her own future and the future of Black families and communities by living in truth. Whether one chooses to exercise faith in a divine source or faith in self, they agree one must decide what is truth for them and walk in it. MOAK believes we have to learn our true history and stop holding in secrets if we are going to survive and transform the future of Black families. She says, I doubt they were keeping secrets on the plantation because they had to survive and you can’t survive if don’t know where you came from. Keeping secrets, you won’t know
127 what’s out there ahead of you but now we keep secrets and that’s probably how they erased our history. If we keep secrets in our house and they hit you with his-story, you don’t know what to believe is real and what’s fake because we don’t talk about what’s going on. Speaking of the effects of secrecy and living in truth, at times I wonder if hiding the truth and the history of secrecy in our communities has allowed the patriarchal pathology in the Black community to remain unaddressed. We tend to hide or overlook much of the truth—truth that could bring about healing—whether it is due to our religious beliefs that teach us to honor or parents or due to our desire to protect the men in our communities who have often been hunted and killed in the streets (treated in less than humane ways). Whatever the reasons, I know I have struggled for years with speaking the truth about the pain of my father’s choices knowing people would not take kindly to me soiling their pristine memories of the man who served God and his community/church members so wonderfully. During this research process, MOAK was prompted in a dream to remove some of the narratives from her interview transcript. The stories she shared were of how men in her family had caused several women in her family to live in extremely painful environments and experience horrific events. It amazes me that no matter how woke and aware we desire to be, even from the grave our ancestors encourage us to “say something nice or say nothing at all” about men (and sometimes women) who have damaged generations of family members. I have shared these family secrets with my children and grandchildren (and some of them in this study) and expected lightning to strike me at any given moment for doing so. My goal has been to disrupt the narratives, dig up the rotten roots that are killing the family tree, lift the family curse, and usher in the healing but I have often not been met with gratitude or positivity for my endeavors. I am wondering when we will be willing, as a Black community, to openly speak for the sake of healing. We have to end this cycle of women being trained to suffer in order to protect men (and their image in the community)—the same men who failed to protect these women often including their own daughters. Of course, these mothers attest to the fact that they have also seen some very positive models and feel it is most appropriate to learn from and repeat the behaviors that have helped us thrive as a community of people to this point. In sharing stories about their journey to self- determination, some of the mothers spoke of being positively influenced by foremothers from
128 slavery to mothers of assassinated leaders in the Black community—mothers of sons slain for WWB or DWB (walking or driving while Black)—their own grandmothers, mothers, and other females of various ages who fought through all manners of evil to sustain their sanity, their families, and ownership of their futures. These single Black millennial mothers spoke of the strength of Black women for generations who had to choose how they would see themselves, what worth they would assign to themselves, and where they were headed. They had to do this through some of the most horrific times in history. Scholars who study self-efficacy refer to this as vicarious experience or seeing others who are similar to oneself modeling success by their continued efforts. They report that this is one way to develop self-determination and report the level of effectiveness with this method increases if the model’s area of proficiency is linked more closely to that which the observer aspires (Bandura, 1977, 1986; Caprara, et al, 2004; Schwarzer, 1992). Since up to this point, it seems that (right after the White oppressors) Black women, mothers, and our maternal ancestors carry the burden of blame for what is wrong in the Black community, I chose to end this section with balance. This section ends with stories that testify to all the strength and greatness these mothers spoke of on behalf of their maternal mentors and models. MOAK voice gets a bit louder as she declares that she will be successful as a mother because she sees herself as a part of a host of great mothers from the past who successfully parented their children despite the challenges of LWB (living while Black) in America, “I can’t fail! My mom didn’t fail...how can I fail, you know? Coretta didn’t fail…Betty didn’t fail, I cannot fail, you know?” CherryB agrees and says, “I believe your circle determines your future.” AnnaN shares her thoughts on the subject, “Black women have always had to keep going and show strength to the next generation.” Having been schooled by awakened women in their past and present about the situation white supremacy has created for Black people, MOAK, AnnaN, and Monica speak about the strategies they learned to use strategically to fight for their lives and those of their children. These strategies—i.e. stories, affirmations, The Talks, sayings, nonverbal cues—are often referred to as “oppositional knowledge” (Collins, 2009), critical race parenting (Matias, 2016), and awakening from “forgottenness” (Walker, 1984) and help these mothers select which battles to fight and which tools to use when doing so. MOAK explains how these strategies keep her going as a single mother,
129 So, with me with life, I’m not walking through this alone...even as a single mother. So [that] the challenge of being a single mother is not can I do this because I know I can…because there were women on the plantation who watched their husband get hung and still went home and handled their business. There were women on the plantation who watched their son get sold and still went home and took care of their daughter. So, it’s not a matter of if I can, it’s how can I...how am I going to do this? I can’t fail my ancestors I can’t let every whip on their back, everyone who died on that boat, every woman that was raped, every woman that had her child cut out of her and hung...like I can’t let that pain go in vain. (italics for emphasis)
Theme 6: Choosing to Accept and Give Support
“U.N.I.T.Y., U.N.I.T.Y. that’s a Unity, U.N.I.T.Y. love a Black woman from infinity to infinity. U.N.I.T.Y., U.N.I.T.Y. that’s a Unity, U.N.I.T.Y. love a Black man from infinity to infinity” Queen Latifah In a capitalist patriarchal society where social justice seems to be low on the list of priorities, we constantly hear it is our own responsibility to secure ourselves if we are to survive. Individualism is praised over community and that tool is used to divide us as Black people, working people, and human beings in order to keep us from advancing as a group--keeping the oppressor in power (hooks, 2015;Ladson-Billings, 2000 Walker, 2006). Gloria Ladson-Billings (2000) compares the theoretical foundation upon which European and Euro-American systems of seeing and knowing are based to those upon which African and African-American views and practices of knowledge production are based. She asserts that the father of modern western philosophy, Rene Descartes’, statement I think, therefore I am suggests that as an individual, he “thought himself into being” (Ladson-Billings, 2000, p. 257) while “the African saying, ‘Ubuntu,’ translated ‘I am because we are’” (Ladson-Billings, 2000, p. 257) says we exist and create knowledge in relationship with others. Ladson-Billings (2000) says these two opposing views represent systems—individualism and community—that maintain the status quo or bring about liberation in society, respectively. These single Black millennial mothers are determined to be liberated. In this section, they will describe how they make that happen. It definitely is not an easy task as they are being
130 pushed on every side to tear themselves and each other down and in order to survive the attempts at their very existence (mind, body, and soul), they must work together, rely on one another, and speak positive affirmations to themselves and each other (Bey, 2016; Collins, 2016; Lorde, 1984; Nabler, 2016; Moraga & Anzaldúa, 2015). It becomes a conscious choice to go in the opposite direction and pull one another up instead but that is exactly what these mothers say they do and want to do more of--create healing circles (hooks, 2015). In the midst of this hateful world, these mothers transcend the negativity like magic--BlackGirlMagic--and they are not alone in this endeavor. Nielsen’s African-American Diverse Intelligence Report (2017) says, Black women have embraced the social media movement #BlackGirlMagic, a term that describes a cross-platform gathering of empowered Black women who uplift each other and shine a light on the impressive accomplishments of Black women throughout the country. Black Girl Magic (#BlackGirlMagic) was originally coined by CaShawn Thompson in 2013 as #BlackGirlsAreMagic. “I say ‘magic’ because it’s something that people don’t always understand,” Thompson told the Los Angeles Times. She went on to explain, “Sometimes our accomplishments might seem to come out of thin air, because a lot of times, the only people supporting us are other black women.” At its core, the purpose of this movement is to create a platform where women of color can stand together against ‘the stereotyping, colourism, misogynoir and racism that is often their lived experience.’ Originally inspired by a speech by former First Lady Michelle Obama, ‘Black Girl Magic’ was intended to be an online dialogue centered on the achievements of Black women. #BlackGirlMagic can now be found around the world, not only on numerous social media sites, including on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook, but also on clothing and in mainstream media such as in Time, Teen Vogue and Essence Magazines.
Accepting Support As these single mothers have discussed in previous sections of this work, choosing to accept support can be difficult when one is used to it coming with strings attached—which is how systems of family support work in America. So that in order to get support, there are rules that must be followed—rules that have traditionally been unkind, unsupportive, and downright destructive of the Black family unit (Gilens, 1996, 2000; Gilliam, 1999; Reese, 2005). These mothers have already shared how in the larger society whether that be at work, with community
131 agencies, in education settings, in social media circles, or through media outlets they are not first in line when others are handing out doses of compassionate assistance or the benefit of the doubt. All this can leave single mothers feeling as if they would rather not have to ask for support at all because if they do, they tend to experience feelings of being obligated to, belittled by, and dependent upon those who provide the support. And even if it is only for a period of time, these feelings can wear on one’s sense of self-worth. However, we must remember that no one is an island and receiving support does not make one less self-efficacious. MOAK says, “I don’t use stand-alone agencies as my support systems. My agencies don’t have…they’re not built with bricks…they’re built with flesh.”
Family While for some having to ask family for help often means those who supply that help feel they now have the right to manage your life but these mother suggest this is where they often turn for support. MOAK says, “[some] will go to social services and not ask family for help because [they] don’t want them in [their] business but I’m not that type, I’m different.” CherryB says, Being a single mother, my support system is my mother and my father only. That’s all that’s to it. I don’t force it on anybody else. I mean my cousins, we talk every so often. My cousin Ashley is like the main source to us like sticking together and I believe if she was here, if they were here, we’d probably be living like Mexicans all in one house. AnnaN shares, “My family helps out a lot. I only ask for help when I need it so, I have a big support system on that end.” Monica tells her story of family support, “My parents, my family, my siblings they’re there for me emotionally and if I need them for extra time. You know, [if] I need a babysitter last minute or a couple dollars.” She says her parents buy the “big ticket items” for all the grandchildren in their family at Christmas to help out. CJ also relies on her family for support and says, Right now, I rely heavily on my mom and my stepdad for the past three years. They have been there through the ups and downs. They’ve been there for me when I had my son. My first semester in graduate school is when I got pregnant. I’ve always prayed for a nanny and then somehow, someway my mom left her job and she’s been taking care of my son ever since. My [step]father has bought food, pampers, shoes, clothes, Christmas,
132 they pick him up from preschool now that my job hours changed. Literally, they have been the backbone. I feel like when we finally leave out of their home they are going to cry. He’s the first grandchild that lived with them. I can honestly say my parents have been there through thick and thin. My sisters have watched him when my mom went to the doctor (before he went to daycare).
Peers, Personal Friends and Extended Family These mothers discuss the need to have extended family and mentors in their lives and their children’s lives. They depend on other single parents, fathers of the children, and at times social media groups for support. “I think as a single mom, group efforts are necessary,” CherryB states. Monica talks about being able to support one another as single mothers, I get support from my friends. Even they’ll help out and say, ‘Hey, I have kids, you have kids, I have to go do this, can I drop the kids off with you? And the next time when you have something to do drop the kids off to me.’ And, you know, we’ll go out to dinner and I’ll say, ‘I got it this week, I’ll pay. You know, and when I’m a little short or it’s a week when we need something, we’ll be over your house.’ So, we all have learned to adapt and help each other. AnnaN agrees with Monica on the importance of support from other mothers, Other single mothers come together. On the internet we have access to come together with other single mothers from other states and social media that bring people together to be able to talk about different things. That’s the best part of being a millennial mother. As was previously mentioned, eighty-one percent of millennials have never been married, so, Monica believes that likelihood of meeting someone single (male or female) who also has children is high. She says they often run into each other while out shopping or hanging out. She reports, You’re likely to meet someone whether you’re sitting at, you know, a café, a bookstore, a bar, you’re likely to sit next to somebody or run across somebody that says, “Hey, I have a child too?” or “Are you buying this? I’m buying this for my daughter, I’m buying this for my son. I’m a single father or I’m a single mother.” So, it’s very, very common to do that. She also talks about the reciprocity that is involved in these relationships saying there are
133 People are going through the same things that you’re going through and you can kinda help. You’re able to talk to different people about your problems and for them to give you advice or even just listen, “Oh, I been there, done that. I’ll tell you where you need to go or who can help you,” or “Hey I went to this place when I was going through this and I’ll give you the phone number of this person and they may be able to help you”. Monica shares that single parents can network and help on another find facilities and services that are very friendly for a single parent. She recalls when she was having to go to school and work. She was taking my classes at night but all the daycares she knew of closed at 5 or 6. She says, I had a friend and she was like, “Oh, my kids go to this daycare and it’s twenty-four hours. So, you can pick up and drop off. You work third shift you can take her at eleven, and pick her up at seven, and go on about your day.” CJ can definitely relate to the importance of other mothers as support as she speaks of a special friend she relates to as extended family and calls her cousin, I feel like (I don’t tell her this a lot, I’m about to start crying) I try to say “thank you” to everybody. But my cousin, she allows me and my child to come to her house when I need to. She was there when the domestic disputes between the father of my child and I happened. When I left [town] and I needed somewhere for my child and I to go to every month [in the town she left] so he could continue to receive his support from Children’s Hospital (because my social worker didn’t want to give us up because of the domestic dispute) she let us meet the social worker at her house. Gave me a key and everything and I feel like she has just remained solid. She has remained solid. I don’t have a lot of... [becoming emotional, she trails off before saying “friends”] because I’ve always been the shy one, the quiet one, the little one. They [CJ’s sister and this “cousin”] were always the rowdy ones and they were always close. And then me and her got close and so I latched onto her. So I felt like she’s been solid from day one and I can call her and it’s just pure. You don’t get that a lot and we not even real blood. MOAK shares her story of those extended family members who support her and her son. She talked about how much she misses her mother and wishes she could still be here to be the “phenomenal” grandmother he needs. She remembers asking God,
134 Who’s going to be his grandmother...who’s gonna love him like she would have loved him. So, um...I felt like it’s selfish to bring him into this world and he’s not gonna …he not gonna experience that love from a grandmother--from her--that I felt as a child from her. MOAK says she is thankful though to have so many men in her life who act as grandfathers to her son because as she puts it, “Spirit was like you searching for all these grandmas…you given birth to a boy… he gon’ need some grandpas and he has four.” She explains further, I’ve been blessed with great support. He [her son] has his maternal grandfather, his paternal grandfather, and then the man his granny married who loves him to death, I mean like …to death, and then this other man who worked with my mom. So, yeah, like, you know, I …they say, you never know who got you until you down. But you really never know who got you until you up because a lot of people want to be there when you’re down. She goes on to announce that she is aware that not everyone is a supporter and that it is her job to let go of anyone who stands in the way of her doing her job as mother to her son. Yeah, ‘cause I had to become the mother of a king--hence, MOAK, Mother Of A King. I had to level up and there’s some people I did have to drop. But the people who were supposed to be the wind beneath my wings, when I need that parachute to open before I splat to the ground...God showed me that they’re here. All the women report that their children have a relationship and spend time with their biological fathers and that they work together for the sake of their children. AnnaN speaks of the support she receives from the father of her first two daughters and how they have matured to the point of him being willing to assist with her youngest daughter who is not his biological daughter. This move on his and her part really has become a great source of pride and positivity for their entire family.
Mentors The single millennial mothers in this group say they truly value mentors who have some experience and are willing to support their growth by sharing their experiences and the wisdom they gained as a result of those lived experiences. Whether or not these mentors are a part of their bloodline doesn’t matter, they are looked upon as extended family as MOAK explains,
135 As a young girl that was my outlook on family, my extended family were the people that were extended from my family but my immediate family were those who are immediately related to me, you know this is my blood. So, I always had an extended family. She goes on to explain how important it is to her to have experienced people in her circle and says, Most of my friends are older than me and I’ve always been fascinated with older, seasoned people – because there’s a difference between older and seasoned – I need the older, seasoned, Lawry (referring to a seasoning for food) women and men. I need you to have some Lawry on you before we can sit down and talk. Seasoned meaning you have some knowledge about life [and] not only do you have knowledge about life but you’re willing to share that knowledge. She talks about several women who have, at various times of her life, been there to assist her along her journey. One being a neighbor, Ms. Thompson, who supported her mother as a young single mother (when her own biological grandmother would not). She babysat, shared food, opened her door (literally placing a gate in the hallway allowing MOAK to roam freely from one apartment to the next). Those memories remain a part of her life to this day and encourage her to “sow seeds into the lives of others”. MOAK continues as she speaks about another seasoned woman who was working in the human resources department of a local school district where her mother worked when her mother was suffering with brain cancer. MOAK was a young adult caring for her mother during her last days in her physical body and she went into the office to complete some Family Medical Leave paperwork with her mother. She describes how she met this mentor, I met this lady and wasn’t anything she said but it was everything in her spirit. We said Hi. I introduced myself and she introduced herself and I think that was the gist of the conversation but it was something about her. So, time goes on, my mom passed away, years pass, and I end up meeting her again. So I get a new job, I’m working in this elementary school and I walk past this classroom and this name is on the door and I’m like that name is so familiar, I know this name. And I look in the room and this lady is standing there, she’s actually on the phone and I just stood there and she’s like, “Hi, you can come in” and I wanted to but I didn’t want to because of the reality of what was
136 gonna be in that room…it was like an old wound opening up. So, I walk in and uh, she’s like, “Hi, how are you? I’m such and such, nice of you to join us this year.” And I just stood there and I looked at her and I said, “You know me.” And she was like, “No I don’t” and I said, “You know me. I’m [her mother’s name] daughter” and we both just started crying. And it was like, you know, I had that feeling of being gone away from home for so long and now like…my mom was greeting me with open arms. You know, it was like God put me in that place because he was like, “I know you heart is breaking like every day and I need you to know I got you because I know what’s coming after today. I know what’s coming after this year, and I got you.” So, that’s what this journey with this particular person has been for me. It’s like some people might call it the Universe, I say it’s God plus my mom it’s their way of letting me know, she [her mother] miss you, but we got you…we got you. But you know what the most phenomenal thing about life is that their [this woman and her mother] life stories almost mirror each other. Like it’s crazy. So, you know I even remember calling and telling her saying, “I’m pregnant,” and she was like super dope excited, like super dope excited. CJ also speaks of an older female mentor who helped her through tough times, I have this lady who is sixty-four years old. So, when my therapy ended my therapist said, “You need to find somebody.” So, I could vent to this lady and now we’re like best friends. We used to work together but we still talk through email, phone, we go to breakfast and lunch and we’re always there for each other. CherryB shares her thoughts on having a solid circle of support and says she sees God as her ultimate support system. However, she also shares that she has used mental wellness support and a seasoned mentor to help her navigate through some of the roughest times of her life, God, let me not forget him first and foremost. I mean if I didn’t pray and read my scriptures. I have this thing where if it hits 12 a.m. that means it’s time for a new scripture…that starts a new day. So, if I’m on the phone, I’m texting, or on social media I will stop what I’m doing, I’ll read my scripture, and then I’ll pray. And that just kinda puts me at ease sometimes. I believe your circle determines your future. My circle needs to improve. Like I need someone better than me, older, more seasoned. I used to go to therapy once a week with this older lady, she was dressed to the T, cute little lady, always smelled good, dressed nice, had on her little designer shades, was somebody I followed
137 up with every week. Some of the [positive]things going on in my life now is because of our hour-long meetings. If I can surround myself with more people such as herself, I’d probably be in an even better place. I mean you look for that mentor. CJ also talks about the importance of mental health services as a support system and, as a therapist herself, says Black people do not utilize these services enough. She recalls going through postpartum depression after her son was born and being referred to this program for first-time moms at a local Children’s Hospital where her son’s grandmother works. She says for three years she received those services where they have a social worker come out to your home every week and they help you progress with the baby. She says it just months ago (the July before our interview) when they had their last visit at her cousins house. She says, As a black woman we don’t go to therapy and I fought it but then I was very disruptive and my pain was coming out aggressively where it could have cost me my masters [degree]. I was very volatile—and I didn’t recognize it—because I wanted to be with my baby. I was going through postpartum, I didn’t know it was postpartum so that’s when I went through six months of therapy in my home. All these supports played a vital role in my development and getting through my graduate program and once my therapy ended she [the therapist] told me I needed to rely on others because I hold everything in. I am my own problem solver because I was the listener of the family because I had that role. That’s my gift and I play it so well that I don’t express myself to other people. So, when I have a problem I’m good at problem solving my own issues to where I don’t feel like I need to rely on anyone. But when it becomes overwhelming where its coming out of you in a negative way, you need to talk to somebody. It was coming out of me to where my mom was saying, “You’re never this way. You’re mean!” I was arguing with my cousin and I never do that, but I was in pain. Because they know me they stayed with me. So, I have these supports, even though I still keep everything bottled in. But it’s not as bad as it was then.
Giving Support All educators know one of the best ways to assess whether or not the student has learned is to see if the student can teach the skill to someone else. These mothers spoke to that process of learning and teaching as they shared the ways in which the baton was passed on to them by
138 peers, friends, family, spiritual guides, therapists and seasoned mentors who triumphantly ran this race to a destiny they created for themselves—running from a destiny someone else attempted to lock them into. Marathon running women--running tirelessly in mass often pulling their families and communities with them by all and any means necessary (images of mother Harriet with her rifle swirling in my head). They share a desire to give back in that same way and already do that in their sister circles and in their communities. CherryB’s goal is to practice compassion for others as a lifestyle and this feels like a wise choice to her even though people tell her she’s too nice. She says, “I think we have to stop before we start to judge other women for what they do because we all make choices somebody didn’t like.” After surviving and removing herself and her girls from an emotionally abusive relationship, she has had to reclaim herself, her calm, and her joy for life. CherryB says, “I’m more aware of people’s feelings and emotions and to this day, that’s probably why I’m so nice…it [her experience with emotional abuse] changed my entire life.” She did and continues to do her work from counseling, to quiet time alone, connection to God, positive self-talk, and reaching out to help others on the street or in public speaking engagements. She say, Because if you want to live a certain life, you gotta do certain things certain ways and you can’t always be mean, passive, or just hate people for no reason. You know a lot of people say, “I’m mean I don’t give people a chance. In the beginning, I’m just gonna be mean. I don’t fuck with her.” You don’t even know her! Give people a chance. But to me I feel like as soon as you mess that chance up that’s when you drop them but you have to give people a chance in the beginning. Karma is a beast! She says it as if she knows exactly what she’s talking about! CherryB says she sees the importance of sowing positively into the lives of others and says refers to her father, a local minister, passing out tracts about salvation to people as a great idea that can be tweaked. She says, If you see your sister that is down and needs help or is ins certain situation, kinda preach to them that they can do better and I feel as if we gave more compliments than negative statements to other women, things would be different. Sometimes we as millennials moms we bring each other down so much we don’t t know how to come up. So, you know you gotta throw that nice face on sometimes and kill ‘em with kindness and when you continue to do it over and over and over again and people start to understand. People
139 think things about other when they don’t know them but if you get to know people and their life, their goals, you can build businesses together …it’s like a sisterhood. You will have ups and downs and to see people’s faults but if you encourage people more, I think they’ll see the light more. And by no means is this all talk and no action! During our group video session, AnnaN told a story about how CherryB was supporting another mother by keeping her daughter while she went to work. AnnaN commented on how giving CherryB is when it comes to showing support to someone who is in need. CherryB shares her passion for reaching out to other women, I think the millennial moms are the ones that need the most guidance...if we can reunite and do things together...what that can do for us as a people and a nation. I used to go to different hair schools and speak on what it’s like to be an entrepreneur, how we should do, and what should be done. Like, I’m so passionate about speaking...like, I’m super passionate about it. And sometimes it’s so heavy on my heart to the point that I just feel so touched...like I should speak to somebody. If we see our young Black women or even the older Black women who may need guidance (she wasn’t guided when she was younger and we may know more than she does), and if we can share our stories with those battered women, and if we can share our stories with the kids coming up (I mean it might be kinda hard for the kids coming up but, if we continue to throw it at them 24/7, I mean one thing I noticed about marketing that is a beast), and if we continue to throw it out, and just explain and show people the way over and over and over again...if we can believe in ourselves and believe we can help the next person, I mean the world would be a better place. I mean, like, that’s the challenge. AnnaN feels the same way CherryB does about being willing to share her story in order to help someone in need of a push to see that they can do what they desire for their lives. She comments, Some people might want to know how I’m doing it. Knowing my story from not having anything to having a little something. Some people might not be happy with that, some people may be happy with me not having much and some happy with me having a lot. I don’t know. But I know I get a lot of comments like, “I don’t know how you do it with three girls.” It’s not for them to know. It’s not their life to live and wasn’t meant for them to live it. Some people may see me as strong and some admire the strength I have
140 because I haven’t always been strong. Maybe my story can help somebody who is afraid to chase their dreams and wants to give up because things might be tough. Hopefully my story may help somebody not give up on what they really want to do until they get where they want to be. It ain’t easy. When they look at me they can’t say that was easy. They got to know I worked hard for everything I got. Although these mothers feel they work hard for everything they have and in order to achieve “against the odds” as Monica puts it, they still find a way to give back. When an entrepreneur, such as CherryB or AnnaN gives of her time, she may as well be handing out money--time is absolutely synonymous with money to an entrepreneur. According to Fortune Magazine (September 21, 2017), Black women are not limited in their giving and sharing. They describe Black women as very ambitious “independently-minded...women [who] are using their reclaimed time, money and voices to enrich their families, communities and each other”. This report (Stat courtesy of W.K. Kellogg Foundation and Rockefeller Philanthropy Advisors) suggests, “Black donors gave away twenty-five percent more of their incomes than white donors, and nearly two-thirds of black households make charitable donations, worth a total of about $11 billion per year.” In the spirit of giving, each one of these mothers shared a desire to create a movement that would support single parents (male or female). Passing on what they have experienced and are experiencing as a result of this research study we have engaged in together became the expressed goal of almost all these self-efficacious single mothers within minutes of finishing their interviews. They have all shared that this work of building each other, growing together, and taking this process of reflection to other single parents is something they want to commit to after this dissertation research has ended. They believe this sense of community is what will bring healing to the Black community specifically and the world in general. The truth is, we can only get to that healing as we learn to break from the narcissistic and individualistic culture that keeps people in competition instead of communion (hooks, 2015). AnnaN describes herself and her peers as she talks about being a single millennial mother, I feel like the millennial moms are too independent. I guess it’s good to be independent...we can show our kids how to be strong and independent but not too independent. We want the help but…I don’t know what to say.
141 It is amazing how thinking out loud can sometimes help us understand just how confusing all these narratives are becoming. It was as if she stopped mid-sentence and realized that we need each other as much as we need to be prepared to care for ourselves and that it is okay. On the other hand, during her introduction in our video group chat session, AnnaN speaks to the mothers without any sense of confusion whatsoever as the words of “togetherness” rolled off her tongue, I am here to grow and we can all grow together as parents. We know how hard it is with all of our goals we need to accomplish. We can start now... and I hope we all can do it together, just come together and learn from each other. MOAK puts it like this, So, for me I don’t want to leave a legacy, I want to leave legacies. Like…I want people to, you know, one day say, (whether they say it for the whole world to know or whether they say it in their moment alone by themselves) “I remember that one time when MOAK [did this]...I remember that one time when MOAK [did that]”. It’s not just adults I want to say it either. I want to sow seeds in everybody’s babies. I mean everybody did it for me. I’m still reaping the benefits of some stuff. But then the other side to that is I am a legacy and to respect my mother, I have to grab somebody else’s child and pull them up. I have to be a part of somebody else’s child’s circle. In previous sections, the five mothers’ stories were told to describe how they believe others see them and how they see themselves, their experiences with the manifestations of others stereotyping and judgement of them—in various arenas and different aspects of their daily lives, how they fight to overcome all that smack talkin’ the world does about them, how they push and pull each other to their self-proclaimed destinies, and how they allow others to support them on their individual and collective journey. Their narratives were very similar to stories told about the lived experiences of many Black women in America over many years by many scholars (Collins, 2000; hooks, 2015; Lorde, 1984). This makes it almost impossible to believe the stories are anything but actual and factual—our truths. As Black mothers and women, we must remain aware and continue to decide for ourselves who we are as we press forward. So that in a world that loves to showcase images of Black women destroying and being disrespectful towards one another, we can proclaim that is not all of who we are.
142 Nielsen (2017) reports, that Black women are trendsetters who “are leaving an indelible imprint on America’s economy, social consciousness and cultural landscape, and they’re showing no signs of slowing as they become more and more aware of that influence.” According to this report, we do it and make it look like magic. This Black Girl Magic is constantly competing with the negative images being depicted and while at times it might appear as if they can’t win—damned if you do, damned if you don’t--the truth is these mothers have already declared themselves the winners and announced, as my mother used to say, “I can show you better than I can tell you!” CherryB says she has love for everyone and will help anyone no matter what they look like--no matter their complexion but knowing all that Black women have been through she feels, We’re stronger than most races, I’m sorry. We’re stronger than white people, Indian people whoever it is, we’re stronger than them. But one thing we lack is unity. But if we can unite, if we can come together, I think we can dominate the world—and I think about that all the time—if we come together, if we do things together, if we surround ourselves with happiness and throw away the negativity. And not even just become one with each other, but first, become one with ourselves.
In Need But Not Needy - Boulders and Rocks
Must be a boulder ... even when crumbling she's a rock, steady, prepped, ready or not, stomach in knots, courageous thoughts, real fears, real tears, but she won't be stopped.
"Only the strong survive", "She's so strong!" they'd say but she never really wanted to be viewed that way, "from the outside looking in it may appear I'm tough as nails, but I need support too" is what she wanted to say. In need, but not needy, damn-soul in distress, but she carries it - wears it well ... little Black Duress clothed in secrets of violence she's been forced to suppress, pledged allegiance to silence, hand on her chest
Must be a boulder ... even when crumbling she's a rock, steady, prepped, ready or not, stomach in knots, courageous thoughts, real fears, real tears, but she won't be stopped
143
Holding her own but longing to be endeared, protected, chosen, admired, revered, valued not feared, not despised but pursued and seen as just as beautiful as those with silkier hair, “delicate features”, and a lighter hue. Invisible and discounted by even her own, what other choice does she have except to go it alone, stand up, be strong, yelling out-her pain, crying out-her song, then hearing "she's so loud", "she's too strong"
Must be a boulder ... even when crumbling she's a rock, steady, prepped, ready or not, stomach in knots, courageous thoughts, real fears, real tears, but she won't be stopped
Did you not know, or did you forget she watched while her foremothers practiced the art of quietness, submission to sins of commission by him.. victims of his pain played out—without strings—in domestic violence. Taking one for the "team" his side, she stood by it. All the while suffering in dark silence ... nothing golden about it. Appearing weak while trying to be strong, muscle exhaustion wanna let go but dedicated to a fault - won't quit - still holdin' on.
Determined to repair generations of systemic brokenness, choking on words carefully chosen and spoken lest he feel like less than a man in his own home when being already considered less than in his Nation--this land. She's breaking down the scar tissue that's prohibiting circulation, feeling numb biting her tongue, unsung, unheard screams in desperation trying to hold her family together for better or worse ... Christianity sanctioned.
Does she get any thanks, any form of celebration, respite for her soul sacrifice... admiration ... like her lighter sister who basks in adulation? Oh, no she gets more rejection and accusation. No, she's not to be cherished and on many occasion she hears, "Men just need to feel needed and Black women are just too strong" and she responds, "We too need to be needed but can't afford to be needy...You've got us all wrong!"
Nevertheless, he walks away or unwilling to continue the dance with his demons, she leaves him, kids in tow, don't want to go, wishing he knew how much she needs him well and healed, but he won't get help except what he claims to get from Jesus, now another single mother (just like the
144 'others') who tried to do what pleases God and man don't quite understand how she ended up in line for cheese and stamps, turkeys, hams, section 8, stress aggravates her dis-ease.
And who steps up to get her back, front, sees her through this season? Her single mother girlfriends, sisters without them where would she be? And they build her up, remind her of her greatness, strength, power while allowing her to weep. And they stand by her, push, p-u-l-l, drag her kickin’ and screamin’ because she must not give up, little eyes watch, that’s the reason. But if she needs a moment, “Girl, bring them kids to me and go home and take care of yourself, I got you! Girl, please! And don’t even begin to thank me, you’re there when I need you.”
In need but not needy, damn-soul in distress, but she carries it - wears it well ... little Black Duress clothed in secrets of violence she's been forced to suppress, pledged allegiance to silence, hand on her chest.
Must be a boulder ... even when crumbling she's a rock, steady, prepped, ready or not, stomach in knots, courageous thoughts, real fears, real tears, but she won't be stopped. Single Mothers We Will Unite to keep our babies on top!
145 Chapter 5: E Pluribus Unum--Out of Many, One: The Individual Narratives
Mike Wadhera, founder of Teleport (virtual reality video sharing) suggests the Information Age that Millennials lived through is coming to an end as we enter into the Experience Age (2016). What this means is that updating a status on social media by writing a story and perhaps adding photos has been replaced by video stories. Think Facebook being replaced by Snapchat. This generation is more interested in seeing what is going on in the lives of others than they are in reading about it. AnnaN agrees, “We kinda left Facebook to the mommas, aunties, grannies, and grandpas. We moved on to Snapchat because we don’t have time to type out stories. I can record a quick video and show you better than I can tell you...real quick.” On top of that, she says it is less about who “likes” their story and more about who is watching. That being said, it would be amazing if at this point, I could add in hyperlinks and allow the mothers to speak their individual stories virtually for Chapter Five. That would mean one would watch without comment—simply observe. But that was not doable (for me—I probably could have asked a Millennial to do that for me though). Instead, I am allowing them to tell their stories in this chapter without interruption. Perhaps the reader can imagine sitting across from the mothers as they share their stories—just listening without comment. That is what this chapter is, an opportunity for the mothers to describe their journey to 'I Got This' or self-efficacy belief as their children's first teacher. Here, they discuss their experiences with and definition of education, what they feel compelled to teach their children and why, and what has led to their belief in their ability to successfully parent their children—what allows them to say, “I got this!” It is an opportunity for them to be witnessed—seen, heard, and known—as the intellectuals that they are without comment, analysis, or reference. It is their occasion to simply BE (exist) and be appreciated, heard, and respected in this place called the academy. This chapter centers on the individual narratives, as opposed to the themes discussed in Chapter 4. These stories also address research questions two and three in that they a) chronicle the journey of these mothers to 'I Got This' or self-efficacy belief as their children's first teachers and b) describe the lived experiences that contribute to and present challenges to their developing a sense of 'I Got This' or self-efficacy as first teachers of their children.
146 CJ: For You, I Will ~Nature and Nurture: If I Build It, We Will Grow~ ~Finding Her Voice: Once Quiet, Now Singing Out Loud and Strong~
I thought education was a degree, a four-year degree because that’s all I knew--go to college, get a four-year degree. Go out there and get a master’s. That’s what I thought education was. Now at thirty years old, education is holistically coming together full circle. I think I picked a good career, it’s psychology, and that is very deep because it’s the mind, body, and spirit. But, I feel I could take that knowledge and grow. I really didn’t understand education until three years ago (and I’m still learning) when I was challenged by a doctor and started looking at foods I was going to give my son, the environment that I was going to create for him, and who I wanted in that environment. That’s when I learned I was my son’s first teacher. It was in 2015 when my conditioned mind was like, “Me and my son can go to Bob Evans and eat dinner,” and my pediatrician checked me. I thought I could go buy a kids meal that has everything already in it and she was like, “No, you don’t want to give him that stuff. Look for the sodium.” Now, I pay close attention to what he eats. I started researching and found out about the little black boys and the MMR’s and autism. I was challenging the doctors and questioning the doctors regarding his vaccines. I’m his voice so don’t challenge me. I’m finding myself learning how to eat better, what herbs to take, what vaccines do for you, about dairy--what it does for you, and spiritual knowledge. I feel like that’s learning. Not the stuff they taught us about the slave trade and the pilgrims back in the day...Christopher Columbus. It’s environment, social, economic, and health. I want to teach my son about his African history and I want him to learn a trade and how to build with his hands. I want to give him a computer and let him start typing. My mind be going...like, I want to teach him about insurance, products, mortgages, and interest rates that’s education to me. What they taught us (the abc’s) won’t take you far. A resume...you don’t need a damn resume because we gon’ have something different. You got to teach them about real stuff that’s going to matter, not out of a damn science book, math book, or social studies book. They need stuff they got to survive on. We can’t survive on social studies! So, I feel like that’s education, not a piece of paper that I got from college because what they were teaching was all the wrong crap.
147 I be writing stuff in my note on my phone about what I want him to learn as he gets older like stocks and bonds and things like that. I can be able to teach him the more I learn. I have an insurance agent now who is a black man who can teach me some things, I even said I want to get a landscaper to teach my son how to make a garden. I want him to know so much. That’s education to me. He probably going to want to play ball, I’ll be like “in a minute”. Having him learn how to cook, grow herbs, know the differently type of herbs and what they do to your body. That’s what I’m into. I know that’s weird. I can’t wait until I get my organic home because that’s going to be my education. That’s going to be the foundation where I can build our organic home chemical free, bathroom chemical free. Vinegar, water, baking soda. I want to be able to make gummy bears all natural and suckers. I want to grow our plants, foods. That’s education. Going back to God’s land. If I speak it and saying it out loud and writing it, it’s going to manifest. I want it so bad I can taste it. It’s my job to educate him more than anyone else can. For his birthday we got puzzles for his shapes and animals. He’s 3 and can count to 20, knows his colors, can spell his name. I have to teach him to be independent. Sometimes I have to tell myself to stop making excuses, get up and go get that book and help him. It’s up to me to teach him. My mom says I’m a drill sergeant but I want to make sure he knows what he needs to know. I don’t have the privilege to send him to school all day because in the government’s eyes I make too much money. So I have to be on it. Once they graduate at three they come in and help you find preschools for them. I have to utilize my mother (and thank god for her) to help me keep him ahead like other kids because he does not have that Monday through Friday. His birthday is late so he won’t be able to go to preschool until late. What if anything has led me to feel like I can successfully parent my son, like I got this? I feel like I have to give that to my higher power. Every day is a struggle. I had to deal with him having a tantrum today. I ask my higher power to give me patience so that I don’t become frustrated and violent and display that onto my child because I don’t want to repeat a cycle. So, I rely on my higher power, I self-talk, and take my time in making decisions on what’s best for my son. That’s probably why I haven’t moved out of my parents’ home. I want to take my time making the right decisions so that I’m leading him to the right place and we aren’t struggling when I don’t have to. When you got two parents saying you don’t have to struggle, you say okay, put your pride aside, and tell the men to go to hell.
148 I struggle with parenting. I always say “I’m practicing” because practicing always leaves room to grow and fail. I always say “I may crack, stumble, but I’m not built to break”. So, I use positive affirmations daily to myself. That helps me say I got this! Because I know what I want and if I speak it, I can become it. As long as I take my time and do it right, and align myself with the right things, and do right by others, I feel like He got me, I got me, and I got him (which is my son). I’m just going to do my best to be patient. Because it’s hard, especially when you don’t want to repeat the same behaviors that your family has done to their kids. It does not make me think that I’m all that. I just understand it has an impact on that child and later that child is going to repeat that same cycle. And I’m scared every day and pray that he is sweet. I’m scared because I can’t predict the future, but I can be humble and patient and say I’m not perfect. My cousin says, “You are a good mother!” I got this with support from my higher power and my family. And I got to remind myself of that because you can get distracted and think you are alone when you aren’t. My dad said, “We got you.” If I allow my fear to get in my way, it’s going to hold me back. So, I’m going to step out on faith and buy my house. My son is going to a good school and will grow out of those tantrums. I’ll be okay if I’m a single mom and not be with the father of my son. I’m going to be okay. I am okay.
Monica: I Can. Therefore, I Do! ~Plan, Do, Adapt, Repeat~ ~You Can Do Anything You Want: Learning To Depend On Myself~
Education in my family has always been very important. When we were younger my grandmother would always say, “You need to go to school and you need to do good in school. If you don’t do good in school, you won’t be rewarded. You won’t get good things if you don’t go to school and do what you’re supposed to do.” So, it’s always been at the top of the list to do good, to study, to stick to something if you commit to it. You know, don’t just start something and say, “Oh I don’t like it” or “It got too challenging. I’m just gonna stop.” So, I think that was my outlook on education even as I got older and was challenged in college (when I became
149 pregnant) I still had to keep going. I still had to keep going! I got pregnant my junior year. So, it’s like...It’s my junior year. I have, you know, a year and a half left. It would be silly for me to drop out. So, you know, I’m like “You have to think of a plan.” That was the thing, you always have a plan. So, it’s like circumstances changes a little bit, we can still keep the same outcome, but we just have to change the path that we take to get there. So it’s like, do I transfer? I ended up transferring schools closer to home because my family, my help was back in the city where I grew up. So, it’s like you can still go to school...there’s schools there. So, I transferred and stuck it out since education was always so important and it was always about not giving up and finishing what you start. So, it’s like, I finished the year out and got my degree. My daughter was an infant when I was finishing my senior year and luckily, I went to a school that had a daycare. So, I spaced out my classes so that I would go to class for an hour or two, and then go see her, play with her, and maybe eat and take her some lunch. And then I would go to another class. And then we’d ride home together, I’d put her in bed, she’d rest all night, and I’d be up all night doing homework. So, yeah, that was my view on education and I passed that along to her. And she’s very smart and I let her know, “Hey, you can do anything. Just because it’s hard doesn’t mean you won’t get it. It just means you might have to work a little harder. You may have to read a chapter again, you may have to get online, we may have to go to the library.” So… When did I begin to see myself as my child’s first teacher? Ooooo, I mean, from her conception. You know, you have a choice. Do I want to keep this child, raise this child? The odds right now are against me. I’m a single Black female. You know, I had a high school education. I hadn’t finished my college yet. I was like, “Do you want to stick it out?” So, I think before she was even born, I was doing things to be her teacher….to be her first teacher. I was working and going to school so I was setting myself up to show her, “Hey, when I was pregnant with you, I worked, I went to school even though the odds were stacked up against me, I still made it work.” I maintain my image as the first teacher…first, myself and my daughter are very close and we have that trust in our relationship. So, I think that I taught her to accept that she’ll have other teachers in her life but she can always come to me and not that I know everything. “I might not always have the answer. I might not always have the best way to go about solving a problem. But the best thing I can do is to have somewhere where you can feel like you can always come
150 and have open dialogue with me and talk.” Mommy is the Mommy…So, you always feel like your mom knows the best thing for you. Like no matter how old you are, you always feel like you can call your mom and be like “Mom, this is happening and what do you think I should do?” I mean I do it now. So, I think that even though I know there’s other teachers, you will always go back to your first teacher, your mother, just to ask (even if someone is giving you an answer) you say “Well, this person told me this. What you think?” When I first had my daughter--because it was something new, because it was unfamiliar territory...Like “I’ve never been a mother. I’m single. I’m Black. I’m young. I don’t have a career yet. I don’t know if I can do this. I’m working (I had two jobs)”. So, it’s like “I’m working these jobs, but it’s not a career, it’s just like a job to get money so that we can get by.” So, I’m like “I don’t know if I’m going to finish college when I‘m supposed to finish college. And that doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m gonna get a job yet alone get a good paying job to support us.” So, I think that I was a little wavy at the beginning but I began to build confidence as I stuck to my guns and reached my goals. You know, as I saw myself... you know…I laid it out like “Hey, I want to finish school” and I finished school. And I was like “Hey I really did that. I really finished school. And my daughter came to my graduation and watched me walk across the stage. I really did that. Okay what next? I want to find a good job. Oh my God, I found a good job!” And I think along with me achieving my goals, my confidence got higher and higher. So, with her dad…Oh a little bit after she was born “We’re not together, how am I gonna to this?” You know “Can I count on him financially to help me when I go to school? Is he gonna be able to?” She was going to daycare when I was going to school. But the opposite days when I didn’t have school, I was going to work. So, when I went to work... “Are you gonna be able to still pick her up when I’m working these hours? And if not, are you gonna…if I have to quit my job, are you gonna help financially?” So, it was like that uncertainty… um…it didn’t make me feel good. But then confidence just came when I was like “Okay, you made a decision, stick to it! Make sure you reach your goal!” And then your confidence just goes…just goes. And I think that helped me feel better about being a single mother, about being able to provide for her. I think I just felt more positive and empowered as I… and also with age too and when you’re doing it for so long by a couple of years and you’re like “I got it!” you’re like “I have this! I know what to do.” You have a sense of independence because you have to set yourself up…well,
151 I set myself up to… “Here’s my support system but I need to set myself up to be independent where if everybody in my support system fails me, I need to still be able to do…I need to still be able to go to work, get this check. I need to still be able to take her where she needs to go and get things done by myself.” Not that having help is wrong and there’s anything bad about having help, but you need to be able to stand by yourself just in case something happens. Accidents happen, emergencies happen. So, if you’re depending on such and such or this every week and something happened, you need to be able to stand by yourself. And I think me forming that sense of independence also helped me—being a single Black mother—say “I got this!”
CherryB: A Profession of Faith ~Know, Love, and Follow God~ ~Know and Love Yourself~
Education is like a lesson. Something that you need to learn whether it’s how to buy a car, words of wisdom, how to write a sentence, paraphrases, learning about how to live your life- -all that is educational. And I think when we’re in school they leave it to language arts, social studies, math, science, rather than teaching you about real life. They teach you, but I think in school you should have a home ownership program as a freshman… a credit counseling class because we know the academic subjects but do we apply that when we’re out here on our own? We get five million credit cards, we don’t know how to go out here and get a car, we don’t know how to go get a loan, we don’t know how to go and buy a house because were never taught that. We were just taught the basics. Even in hair school, you get the bare minimum. They don’t teach you how to do a sew-in, how to do a quick weave, how to do none of that. Everything is mostly, for me, it’s self-taught. And stuff that I’ve learned (and that’s why I think even as far as education), I’ve taught myself so much stuff and it’s so much more that I still need to learn. But, everything comes with time. But I just think if I got it as a child or entering into being a freshman, it would be a lot clearer for me. But for our millennial moms (9 times out of 10) we didn’t get it. And not to say our moms didn’t care about us or nothing like that, they were busy doing what we’re doing now—trying to take care of the house, make sure y’all eat, upset, screaming. I find myself doing that a lot just because I’m so overwhelmed.
152 You know, people put down other people when they stay with their parents. Girl, if you can do that, do it and get your whole life in order. But education is knowing what you want to be educated on. I guess when you go to college you have to figure out what you want to be. You know, first year you switching your major because you thought that‘s what it was but it really wasn’t. But you just have to understand the education of life before anything. You have to know yourself. You have to know what you want. You have to know your worth. And most of all, you gotta love yourself. I mean you got to educate yourself on loving yourself because if you don’t love yourself you’re not going to prosper. So, education is extremely important because without it millennial moms are nothing. We need every bit of it. And it doesn’t stop, I mean I went to school for graphic design. I graduated. That’s where I get all the marketing education from, the advertising, and what it takes for someone to really understand something, then the design process, and just creativity period. I think it takes you to whole ‘nother level. Everybody is different and with doing hair, the education never stops because everything changes. There’s a new trend here and a new trend there. You gotta go learn that. So you have to continue. It doesn’t stop in college. It doesn’t stop after that $50,000. You still gotta put in fifty more until it’s time for you to retire because you only worth (pretty much) what you know. So if you stop right here and you make your 50,000 a year, you can’t move forward because that’s the only education that you have. So you have to be open. You have to be willing to learn more stuff. Education is important. It’s really important. I do my best to read books, but I find myself reading on entrepreneur.com. They have different strategies on how to do different things--how to start a business, how to make extra money. And when I go on my FB, that’s the first thing I see in my news feed is something that can take me to another level. I began being the first teacher of my children when I went back to school to get my associate degree because the one thing I wanted them to know was you have to finish what you started. They didn’t know I started college but my main goal was for them to see me graduate. St that point when they were screaming my name in the audience I was their number one. The second teacher from God (number one) at that point. “I just saw Mommy graduate, get a diploma, she won Best in Show, she got a certificate. That means I’m gonna have to level up. I’m gonna have to be like Mommy.” That was my teaching point a year and a half ago.
153 What makes me think that I got this is I’m on my own with three children and I’ve been doing it for so long now, I don’t have no other choice but to have it. Once you place God in your life, and you have the faith, and you let Him take the wheel, you know you got it! You know you’re that mom. And you know you’re that mom when your kids tell you...acknowledge you. Like when you bought them something (a new pair of shoes) or took them to Main Event “Oh, my God, the best day ever!” But when I see them smile I know I’m doing my job correctly even when they’re sad (it happens) it’s not going to be perfect all the time. I know I am her because of what I do with my children, what I put them in, and the education that I put behind them. Like my 2 and 4-year-olds do Spanish at school. They may grow up to be bilingual teachers you never know. But at this point—at 2 and 4—I‘ve created a foundation for something for them to continue, to put on their resume. And they may get that job because they’re a little bit more educated and they started early. And doing gymnastics, putting them in extracurricular activities to interact with other children, I mean, it’s important. And at this point I’m teaching them about life. We pray every morning—every single morning we pray. My oldest “Mommy, I want to say the prayer.” Every morning. It’s not a single morning that I start my car and we pull off without praying. My kids pray. And one thing I pray about is ‘to be the successful woman You created me to be, to guide my children, to give them wisdom—the knowledge of knowing who YOU are first.’ And learning about life because life is so…if you can’t get through life, you’re not gonna make it. And I tell my oldest that all the time. I get them to a point where they might fall, they might want something in the kitchen but I’m not going to do it purposefully. Are you gonna be able to do it? You think you can pop that popcorn by yourself? I mean if you just put it in the microwave, you might put it in the wrong way but you will learn to notice it says “this side up”. Are you reading? We do math problems in the car all the time. My oldest be like “Mommy, what’s 36 plus 36?” “Um, you can’t ask me. Um, you tell me!” “Um, it’s 40.” “Girl, stop guessing! I don’t want to hear it. You figure it out and when you find the answer, let me know what it is.” I mean just teaching our kids like that because maybe you don’t have time to sit down with them. So on that drive home you gotta talk about that stuff. Because you know when you get home it’s time to eat, it’s time for bed. So you know...
154 AnnaN: Show And Prove ~It’s A Family Affair: A House Full of Teachers~ ~I Got This! I Can Show You Better Than I Can Tell You~
I didn’t like school too much but my kids do. So when they come to me with stuff, I just be like “I don’t remember” and feel dumb. They come to me with those math problems—I be like “Ask your dad.” I makes me wish I had paid more attention back then but I knew I was going to do hair so “I don’t need to divide 70 into 1. I just need to know how much hair color to mix.” But it’s important that they have that education because they might not pick up on a trade that I picked up on. And they really might need an education and a degree to make a living. I want them to see me doing a little bit more. Being a hairstylist and a business owner is not the only thing I can do. I want them to know that just because I chose this trade, that I do different things with it and use the education I got from doing hair in different ways. And I want them to be able to do so. So if my middle child wants to be a teacher, I want her to know she don’t have to be only a classroom teacher. She can be a different teacher. Whatever they want to be I want to push that into them. Bookwork you do to pass tests and what not. But I want them to have a hobby and activities—dance classes and all that stuff if that’s what they want to do. Education is not just in the schools it’s with them learning how to do anything that they want to do. If my oldest wants to make quilts when she gets older, and she knows that now, I’m going to put her in a quilt class and if she changes her mind she still knows how to make quilts. I just feel it’s important that we look out for teachers because we may not be able to teach them everything. So, it’s important to connect with other teachers and other mothers who know people who can teach them. There are so many different activities for them to do. They seen me go through training to get my license to teach cosmetology. I didn’t want them to think being a hairstylist is just doing hair. No it’s...I can teach, be a salon owner, have my own classes. I just want them to see that it goes further than just what they’ve seen and that maybe they might want to be a part of it. I don’t want it to seem like it’s just....well, I don’t know what I want them to see. I kinda do want them to see me graduate or something like that. I want them to see me accomplish something else but I don’t know what it is I want to do. I just want to make them proud. They respect me but I just want them to be like “My mom was the best. She did everything.” I don’t want them to be like “All my mom did was hair. She didn’t never have no 155 money.” I want them to have a better outlook on who I am and that I am working hard for them. And days where I don’t have any clients and I tell them “We can’t go out to eat tonight, we have to cook tonight” I want them to understand the importance of that. I want to teach them how to save. Knowing mommy’s a hairstylist and I don’t have any clients today that means I don’t have any money today but the Duke bill is due tomorrow. That means the money that we have, we need to hold on to it. We can’t go get fruit snacks tonight. We need to make our own fruit snacks. Go freeze some juice or something. There’s nothing wrong with that. I want them to learn from my lifestyle. A lot of people work and get checks and they know exactly how much money they have coming in so they can set certain things up with the kids where “We going to do this or that.” But with me, it’s like “Okay let’s see how much money we got left, and what’s coming in next week, and then we can decide what we want to do.” It’s a different type of household. Even some single mothers who have dependable jobs know what they are bringing in but for a hairstylist it’s different. So, it’s important that my kids understand that because if there’s a show with Disney On Ice, we need to make sure that the lights are still on at the house. Because there are parents who know that “I can spend $75.00 for a ticket but I know I’m getting a check for $1,700 next weekend.” Where I might have a client who cancels. And Disney On Ice really wasn’t that important because we don’t have any food. They know this, I don’t hide anything from them. They know I don’t have any money. So I want them to be educated on how important it is to save and be an entrepreneur. Even if they might not be an entrepreneur when they get older, they might want to have a full-time job. But what if they want to have a part time something on the side. They need to know how important it is to maintain a business and hold your own. I gotta show them that no matter where you work you still have to manage your money right and all of that. I just want to show them and teach them. I’m more of a hands-on teacher. I don’t like telling people or I don’t like people teaching me by a piece of paper. I want to be shown. That’s my best way of teaching is by showing them. I want to show them more than what I’m showing them. I just don’t know what I want to do. Just want to keep making them proud. They tell me they’re proud all the time. They tell people “My mom has her own salon.” They got their friends to come and get their hair done and they are proud that their mom does hair and they can get free hairstyles. I just want them to appreciate it and understand how serious the grind is. We not doing Taco Bell if we have
156 taco meat at home. I’m just trying to teach them the importance of entrepreneurship, saving, and all of that while still showing them it can be done. Before they even went to school. I noticed I was their first teacher—when we I took them to the store and they didn’t know how to act. You don’t know how to act at home, you don’t need to go nowhere. I was their first teacher when they were born. They’ve been learning since they came out. So I know that everything at home reflects what they will do at school and anywhere in the world. Whether it’s dance class or at the doctor’s office. How they act at home is how they are going to act somewhere else. We all crazy so we just try to maintain. We have our own personal craziness. The oldest is going through the preteen thing, the middle child is hyper, and the baby is so calm. Everybody got their own individual personality and we all come into one and we just trying to maintain. Like, my oldest daughter was the youngest’s teacher. We all teach each other. It comes from the house. A teacher does teach your child but it starts at home and they are only at school for a couple of hours a day, you still got to go home. And it’s important for us to teach them respect, kindness, how to carry themselves, and how to act when they are not with us. What they see is how they act. If you beat them up at home they are going outside fighting. You cussin’ them out they going to cuss their friends out. There’s a certain way you suppose to treat them and all of that stuff. With the first child, she didn’t have a sibling to teach her. She lived in the house with adults. Then her sister came and we moved out. The little one was watching her big sister and wanted to go to the potty because of that. It was easy potty training her because she wanted to keep up with her sister. Then having the baby, she wanted to keep up with both of them. I didn’t have to tie no shoes, make all the bottles, because they were helping and showing her what to do. We all help each other in the house. My oldest daughter’s job last night was to brown the taco meat. Her dad said that the middle sister couldn’t do it yet but she watched. When she turns eleven she’ll be able to do it but her big sister showed her how to do it. Parents don’t always teach them, they teach each other. I don’t remember teaching my middle child how to tie her shoes. I remember bunny ears. I think everybody taught her. It’s time to teach the little one how to tie her shoes. With her we all have hands on—one grabs her coat, one grabs her hat, one grabs her shoes. We team working.
157 You’d think that having multiple kids is hard but it really isn’t as hard as you think because we all help each other. Now, it may cost a little more and take a little more effort, or take more time getting ready for bed but the baby gets in the shower with the oldest sometimes and that’s knocking it out with one. Some people have multiple children and don’t know what to do because they don’t have structure, plan, or organization. I remember being unorganized and we all over the place. They up until eleven on school nights because I’m on Facebook but we got structure now. “It’s 9 o’clock now y’all get ready for bed.” But I wasn’t doing that until my mom said it, “Girl, put them to bed so you can have your time to yourself and light a candle.” I’m like “You right, I’m just letting them chill all night.” I’m like “You right” but I should’ve been doing that anyway. Sometimes it takes for somebody else to say “Girl, you trippin’!” Like Auntie, “Girl they need chores. What you cleaning the house for?” I’m like “Cuz I like things a certain way.” She like, “Girl, you have three girls. Even the baby knows how to wipe stuff.” So this morning we cleaned bathrooms. The youngest wasn’t there but the other two cleaned up and we got it done quick. I told them to help me because I’m cramping (that’s the only reason I wanted their help). Usually I do it all by myself but I seen today we can get a lot done in one hour if they come on. We are still learning. It’s about to be a new year. 2017 was the last year for me cleaning up by myself. It’s about to be a new year and they are old enough to do it right. “You browning meat, you need to be cleaning bathrooms too.” So it’s a New Year thing. Yeah. I’m the student too. They teach me how to dance. I’m learning about them and what they really like to do. I’m learning that my middle daughter can really sing, the oldest can’t sing but she can dance. I’m learning their strengths and weaknesses and try to push them. My oldest daughter can’t stop dancing. I’m about to put her in a dance group and her sister can’t stop singing so she needs to be in a musical group or somebody’s choir. So I just want to take their weaknesses and make them strong. Whatever they feel weak in and want to do—like if the oldest can’t sing but wants to sing I want to get her some lessons. I ain’t told her she can’t sing we just be trying to sing in harmony and she be all off. But she tried. I just want them to recognize their strength. They aren’t following each other. They want to be different from each other. Everybody have their own personality. They taught me how to be patient because I didn’t have much patience when they were younger. Now I’m more calm. We communicate better when we talk. We get on each other’s nerves but we know how to separate and come back together when it’s time. They taught me a
158 lot about the importance of just listening to them and making them feel comfortable enough to talk to me. They are teaching me a lot about myself. I feel if I wasn’t a mother there’d still be stuff I’m trying to figure out. Now that I’m a mom, I know how strong I can be. I never thought I could do all these heads, cook for kids, clean, and get kids ready for bed by 9 o’clock. If I don’t sit down between 4 to 9 I’m standing on my feet constantly. By the end of the night everybody is tucked away and everything is done the way it’s supposed to be. That’s a real good feeling. I may be tired and my hair may be standing up on the top of my head but theirs is done and I feel accomplished. Just getting them together makes me realize how strong I am. Like “Dang I did that.” Their Christmas presents (cause I really couldn’t afford Christmas this year but I made it work), it’s just like teaching me not to doubt myself or worry about certain things—it all works out. They may not get all the things they wanted but what they need. Having them taught me about how important it is to get the needs and not the wants. It was always about what I wanted to do but you start having kids and it’s about what you need to do for them—not want to do. They taught me how to be dusty and they cute. It’s like “Girl, you got three kids, how do you do it?” That’s motivation to me cause it’s like “You know, I don’t want to be mean but if you had three kids you wouldn’t be able to do it. It’s like I’m strong enough to do it. This is my battle to fight because I’m strong enough to handle three kids.” I’m happy with the decisions I made so far. Having the last child was a surprise and all the drama that came with it was a hot mess. But it did not stop me from being where I wanted to be and she’s not throwing me off. It may throw me off a couple dollars because she need some leggings or something but that little girl ain’t throwing me off. Clothes are getting expensive for the older two but I have their father. But when baby girl gets up there, it’s gonna be all me. So I want to put myself in a position to where when her stuff starts costing, she needs to go to the prom, and she needs stuff my job as her parent is to be sure I’m prepared. I don’t want to be like “By the time she is fifteen I should have a husband by then so he can help me with prom.” I’m going to still be single. I plan on it but if not, “Thank you Creator.” It’s not my plans to be a married woman because if that’s not who I’m meant to be, it’s not meant to be. I am meant to be a mother right now and I’m doing that to my best ability. I’m not depending on nothing else to help me out. Auntie said she’d help me with the world. My mom said she’d help me but they might not be here. I hope they will be, but they might not.
159 So it’s like it’s important as a parent that I’m prepared for the future and they see me doing this so when they get old they can’t be like “What should I do?” I want to have the experience and knowledge to show them and teach them just like my family did for me. Nobody downed my dreams, like “Girl you want to do hair? Why? How much you gon’ make doing hair?” If you really want to do hair, you gonna make that money. I feel like where I’m at its holding me down because of the economy, the city. This isn’t a hair industry city. So I want to put myself in a position to be able to travel and get out there. And it’s important that as a parent we have a good career, good mindset, we put the kids in a position to grow, and put ourselves in a position to grow. We don’t hold kids responsible for not growing. We don’t say I can’t do what I want to do because I have three kids. I got to make these moves for the kids. I got to make sure the kids are good. So, I can do this. I can take them with me. But again, people be like “I don’t know how you do it with three kids.” That is weird when people say it but they really don’t know. “It’s not your job to know and I’m not going to explain it to you cause we’re fine.” If their father wasn’t around to help me with the girls, things would be a lot harder for us—as far as financial. He’s not here physically all the time but it’s important that they have that other parent as well. Being a single mother is good but it’s good that they have the other parent as well. That other parent is single as well. Sometimes they not but it’s important that the kids see “We got mom and dad over here. They cordial.” It makes them feel good. It’s not their fault they are here. They didn’t ask to come so it’s our priority to be sure they are okay and we setting up a good life for them, and a future, and not holding ourselves back from being a better parent or being a better person because of the circumstances we’ve been through or anything. Just gotta come out strong. We got the household, we got the kids, we got to have it all. Take care of every single thing. Once you have things in order you can’t fall off. It ain’t gonna feel right. Once you see things falling off track you should pick it right back up. You should never let it fall all the way completely off to the point where, you know, you are out of it. You should know how you want your life to be and maintain it. And when you feel something slipping off you should know how to get back on your feet or have the resources. Sprint wanted to cut off my phone yesterday. I need an extension. I let them know my situation and they were like, “Okay, every time you need an extension you always pay on time.” Boom! I got this! The phone bill is not paid but the
160 phone is on. I don’t panic about things. I got to have the phone on to make the money. I got it. Just having order and structure is important as a single mother and having that I got this mindset.
MOAK: The Greatest Love of All ~Little People Are Watching: Fly high~ ~My Mom Didn’t Fail, I Can’t Fail~
As a child, the most influential teacher was my kindergarten teacher. The most influential person was my elementary principal and my high school counselor. I should have been put up a grade, but my mom didn’t want to because I already acted older and she wanted a part of me to stay young. So, I’d help the other kids with their work because no matter what work they’d give me, I’d finish it. And I was busy—giving them a run for their money. I grew up with Black teachers and principals who I could identify with and they held me accountable for my behaviors and choices. I didn’t know private school existed and loved public school. My son will go to public school the same district I went to (I know the nuggets in the district). So, being a mom and working in education, well, I always knew I have to do the things with my child young (early on) that my mom did with me young because zero to five is important. Actually, from the womb to five is important because they can hear you in the womb so it starts from the womb. Now that I work in education there is no way my son will not know his alphabet and all that. I will teach my son what he needs to know. There is no way in hell I’m gonna tell people I work in education and my son doesn’t know his alphabet out of order. But it’s fun. I have to catch myself from comparing him to kids at work. He is already learning things like King can open his own yogurt without spilling. I have fourth graders who ask for help. My mom taught me to never compare your kids. So he’s already trying to tie his shoes, helps load and unload the dishwasher, knows how to separate his clothes to put them in the laundry. We have conversation at two years old. The other day I had on a turtleneck and he said, “Mom, what is that?” and I said, “A turtleneck.” He said, “What is that?” I said, “A turtleneck is a like a sweater with a scarf attached to it.” He was like, “No, you need a scarf. Mom, it’s cold outside.” So, he’s already into that logical way of thinking. I have a cousin that says I’m preparing him for Harvard “You’re giving that baby too 161 much.” But it’s not that I’m giving him too much. I give him what he asks for. I move with him. So, it’s like we dance together. We dance with him. Not literally…we move to the beat of his drum. Now, it’s not to be misunderstood, there is still parenting going on. You’re gonna respect your elders but it’s a mutual respect going on. He will be respected too—not just respecting elders. Millennials and those who came before them disconnect because there’s this thing about authority, “I’m older than you, you will do what I say.” Millennials are not doing that. My mom was not like the that though. My mom made sure I had a voice. My son will have a voice. My mom knew the damage a secret would do. I don’t believe in letting the computer teach my son although he needs to be computer savvy. I don’t understand how they took typing out of school. Kids have to be tested on keyboards and computers, have to go to college eventually, and type up work. Then you have parents who just give their child their tablet and just let them go. Then we wonder how they get involved in online bullying. The child is not even talking to the parent about it because they themselves are all into technology. It’s the new crack. We couldn’t bring home anything less than a ‘B’. My mom was on it, the counselor was on it. So, after my mother died, I quit college to take care of my brother who was still in high school. After I had my son, I went back. Having my son gave me this boost. Like you have to show him that he has to finish what he starts. Follow-through is important. He has to know he has to follow-through. No matter how hard it gets, he has to see the end. If not, you instill in them that you never have to finish what you start. No excuses. Life goes on even if mom dies (like with me). Becoming a parent opened my eyes to a whole new thinking on education because now it’s not just “I need to get this degree” it’s “I need to sow these seeds.” I have eleven cousins older than me, no one has graduated from high school and I have to break that. Seventeen cousins before my brother that didn’t graduate. So, I do this because I have so many little people looking at me. My cousins tell me that my little cousins say they want to be like me. It was kinda like God is preparing you to be a parent with all the little people watching you over your lifetime. It’s like He’s saying, “They’re watching you. Keep going. And even if you fall, get back up because they’re watching you get back up.” But when mom died, I didn’t care so much. It was like “Forget it. They all know what failure is. It’s not new.” But then when I had my son, it was like “Woah, I can do that too.”
162 Now, they say, “She graduated from high school, went to college, started her own nail business. I can do that?” Hecky yeah! Then it was like “She had a baby (even though I was the oldest one to have a child in my family)? What!? She had a baby and went back to school. What? She is still together with her baby’s dad? What?” Yeah, so I can’t go out like that, I have a lot of little people looking at me. I can’t be a statistic. But my cousins are like, “You are not a statistic. You are not sitting around on welfare, collecting a check. You workin’. You have your son in different activities.” My son has been swimming since he was six months old. I take him to musicals, he has been involved in so many activities. He needs those experiences. My family always say my mom would be so proud. I watched my family make mistakes and said I want different choices. I’ve been educating him since he was in the uterus. You see, education is outside school. Expanding himself as a full person not just abc’s. Educating the whole child. My mom had my brother in all kinds of activities. The best teacher I’ve had outside my mom is my son. Not that he’s teaching me how to be a mother in general but how to be a mother to him. The saying is real when they say, “You teach people how to treat you.” So, he shows me how he wants to be treated and in return, I treat him that way. When he wants to put on his shoes in the morning, I let him do that. His dad and I sometimes don’t agree about that. He wants to put them on for him and I’m like, “No, you ain’t about to cripple him. I don’t care if he puts them on wrong twenty times.” My younger cousin has a three-year old and I ask what she needs—books, puzzles. She said her daughter plays with her phone all the time. The child said her mom and the other two adults in the house won’t read to her. So, my cousin made the comment, “Not everybody is preparing their child for Harvard.” And I’m like, “I’m not either. I’m preparing him for life.” I have investments for him so that he has choices. He may not want to go to college. He may want to start a business. I’m gonna teach him how to be a businessman or supervisor. It’s good to have a degree but you need to know how to work with your hands too. I was educating him in the womb, from the womb. No, before then because when I--as a little girl when I thought about being a parent, I thought about who I would model and it was my mom. So, I put all those nuggets back here in my memory bank so when I needed them—like a computer—click on that file. But when I really began walking in that was when I became pregnant. I was like “I’m having a male child. I have to teach him that he can’t play with a water
163 gun outside because you may get shot down. Can’t walk home from the store with your hoodie on your head. Can’t date that girl in Amberly Village because even though she may be okay with it, her parents might not be.” There are so many things you have to consider as a Black parent no matter what gender you have. There’s human trafficking. Then we are a predator to them. Everything I’ve been taught directly and indirectly makes me know I got this and can successfully parent my child. I like to watch a lot. And when people think I’m not paying attention, I’m looking and I’m listening. One of the most profound things that lets me know I got this is that I can think of all the purposes in life that I would like for my son, all the dreams and the goals but there’s one ultimate purpose on why he was sent be here. He was sent here by design. With a plan in mind. And whether I agree with God’s plan, whether I understand God’s plan, whether God’s plan is ever revealed to me, I have to know that my son was sent here to destruct some stuff. He was sent here to tear down some stuff. He was sent here to shake up some stuff. He was sent here to wake up some people. He was sent here to bring light to some situations. But he’s not mine. Like this is borrowed time. So, I can teach him all I know, all that I’ve been taught, have him around all my friends, and let them sow seeds into him, but it’s up to him to let those seeds flow. So as a parent I think you have to become okay with—and it’s hard, it’s gonna be real hard—you know, whatever path they choose to take their life on. Because I know there were times when my mom was like “All my hard work and she’s acting like this?” I know from heaven she’s like “What the hell? She wait ‘til she’s thirty-one to do this? But I’ve got you, babe. I’ve got you.” I just want to have a seat in the theatre, you know. I just want to watch it all unfold. I just want to see it, you know. I don’t need my name in the credits at the end. I don’t need my name at the beginning of the book like “Thank you to...”, “This is dedicated to…” I know I’m there through those pages. And yeah, I can’t fail. My mom didn’t fail, how can I fail, you know? Coretta didn’t fail. Betty didn’t fail. I cannot fail, you know? Trayvon’s mom—she’s still moving. And then I look at people like my cousin who lost her mom a month after I lost mine and my heart aches for people who had phenomenal moms and lost them. When you lose that it’s like “What the hell just happened to my life?” But you have to remember what you watched them walk out of. Then you have to remember the stories they told you about life before you even existed and how they made it to where they were to tell you that story.
164 I use all of that to push me forward. So, when I want to jump off the bridge “Your mom didn’t go out like that and she dealt with more than you.” Yeah, but that’s what lets me know I got it. This ain’t my first time. It may be my first time physically at this rodeo but my spirit runs deep. It’s like a river. And when I feel I’m at the lowest of the low, it’s like I hit that part of the waterfall and they drench me with strength, and they drench me with hope—everybody that came before me and everybody that’s rockin’ it with me. And I’m like an eagle, I come from up under that waterfall and I’m soaring. And an eagle can only be shot down when it’s flying too low so I’ve gotta fly high. Because if I don’t fly high, my son is gonna always fly low. And he was born with a mark on him. So I’ve gotta make sure, you know, that the arrow never hits him. Raising a Black child in America is like teaching your student how to maneuver through an A.L.I.C.E. training. Somebody is shooting at you. You don’t run in a straight line, you zigzag. So, raising a Black child in America is like “I gotta teach you how to zigzag through life. They gotta never see you coming and don’t know what direction you’re going in” (or them, that’s the worst thing). You can’t just BE in America. If you’re happy, you’re too loud and no one wants to help. And if you’re quiet, you’re a threat, a danger. I have it because they had it and I have to have it! On my son’s car ride home from the hospital I played Kendrick Lamar, Alright—talking to my son and myself regardless of whatever. And I thank God for giving Kendrick those lyrics because it was God telling me, “You gon’ be alright! You are the mother of a king and you’re gonna be the greatest of all times. You got this! You got this!” Yeah.
They Got It, You Get It? An intellectual is one who has the capacity for reasoning and understanding objectively, especially with regard to abstract or academic matters. Parenting or serving as “first teacher of one’s child” is an abstract and academic matter—one that is just as abstract as love or beauty and just like love and beauty, successful parenting has traditionally been narrowly defined by those who have deemed themselves “the intellectuals”. These intellectuals have historically used their position of power in the academy to engage in oppressive behavior--conducting research studies and interpreting their data then generating and disseminating knowledge claims about and for those they choose to study, choose to Other, and choose to identify as nonintellectuals. However, Drabinski (2013) suggests we require the oppressor to engage in decolonization as it relates to 165 problematization of the academy’s tradition of centering whiteness and marginalizing others. This would directly impact the Black woman intellectual’s experience in the US which traditionally includes being made invisible and silenced in the academy and not being trusted to be anything but consumers of knowledge (Bambara, 1984; Baszile, et al., 2016; Collins, 2009; Davis, 1981; hooks, 1994; Lorde, 1984; Walker; 1984). In this chapter, my intent was to allow these mothers as intellectuals from “outside academia” (Walker, 2009, p.20) to interject their voices into the academy. The knowledge they produce and the counterstories they share liberate them and their children, and “critically interrogate” (hooks, 1994) mainstream narratives. This project—in general--is intended to be emancipatory, uplifting/elevating, and transformational in nature for those who have been victimized by the practices of “the intellectuals”. This chapter—in particular--is designed to provide these often silenced intellectuals an opportunity to make a deposit into the bank of the academy without any authorizing signatures, any form of justification (i.e. narration, scholarly references and dialogue) besides their own. A delicacy—just uncooked, raw data straight from their kitchen table—the academy, the school of life. The stories of their lived experiences and the knowledge produced as a result of them need to be seen as valuable right alongside the works of other scholars (Collins, 2009). Their epistemology makes the conversation more complex—less singular and one-sided (Shank, 2006). It is about acknowledging the lived experiences of these women as knowledge producing (Collins, 2009). They shared it, I recorded it, and you read it. It’s time for the comprehension questions. So then, what did you get from hearing the narratives offered up by these intellectuals? What adjectives would you use to describe these women and their ability to successfully parent their children? Deficit, at-risk, and broken or resilient, resourceful, and capable? After you make your choice, be reminded that they don’t depend on your definitions and determinations to deliver them through their day-to-day dealings or their destiny—they cannot afford to do that. To the contrary, it appears that there is a definite method to what some might see as madness happening in these homes. In this chapter, these mothers are given the opportunity to describe how they function as any other intellectual. They allow you to ride along as they get a glimpse at their phenomenal selves as first teachers of their children and their ever-evolving journey toward this ever-evolving space of self-efficaciousness in their role.
166 Chapter 6: Discussion and Conclusion The transformation of silence into language and action is an act of self-revelation.” ~Audre Lorde~
Many of the studies, media depictions, and narratives in reference to single Black mothers and their children are overgeneralized and destructive. These images fuel a toxic energy that fan the flames of fear and breed contempt for these families. Furthermore, these negative perceptions of families headed by single Black women are used to justify and normalize spiritual, emotional, physical, and intellectual attacks against them. The scripts written about and for these families along with the atrocious acts that have historically played out against them— and continue to do so—on America’s many stages have become less recognizable for the terrorism they are. To the contrary, these families are seen as deserving either disregard and distrust or disrespect, disruption, and decimation. Patriarchal practices (reinforced by racial supremacy) which assign value to White males and marginalize—to various degrees—all others, are so deeply embedded into the American systems, so deeply ingrained in the psyches of American people (of all races) that many do not even realize the level of hatred and self-hatred that manifests in their beliefs and behaviors. In order to combat the toxic images of Black families, single Black mothers, and their offspring, decolonization of the minds of all people must become our goal. We must deconstruct the narratives and lies that keep us from calling a thing, a thing—from seeing this war on Black families for what it is. Even the subtlest behaviors and systems that are supposed to support these families need to be disrupted, challenged, and transformed. This intervention must include love and healing. That love and healing must begin with each individual and then just as a mother brings forth life through childbirth, this love and healing must bring forth more of the same—it must be born again, and again in us all individually and collectively. This work of love, this revolution must begin immediately—there is no time for delay—as we have truly gone off the course towards unity and the longer we continue in the wrong direction, the further we get from our destination. Yet, as was uncovered by this work with five single Black millennial mothers, we cannot get to a new destination using the same set of directions that led us astray. And these millennial mothers are not interested in heading in the direction others assign to them.
167 Programs, systems, and narratives that treat these families and communities as broken, “at risk”, and in need of outside influence to get them normalized often refuse to acknowledge that there are intellectuals, saviors, healers who already exist in these families and communities. Our families are ready to do our work and are creating our own centers for healing and transformation. The existing structures fail to recognize that our families are not problems to be solved and do not wish to be seen as hopeless victims who need to be rescued by the very systems that attempt to destroy us. These families are driven by our own choices, desires, and sense of direction. We operate in our own ways, ways that have been taught to us by those who have walked through the most devastating circumstances and lived to tell about it. We continue to survive, strive, and thrive because we—following the lead of our ancestors and mentors— often move based on a notion, a feeling, a spiritual nudge, a memory, a story we were told by someone who we see as valuable—someone who may not be otherwise seen as such. We are not a problem for others to solve. We do not need another program directed toward us. “When we view living, in the european mode, only as a problem to be solved, we then rely solely upon our ideas to make us free, for these were what the white fathers told us were precious. But as we become more in touch with our own ancient, black, non- european view of living as a situation to be experienced and interacted with, we learn more and more to cherish our feelings, and to respect those hidden sources of our power from where true knowledge and therefore lasting action comes.” (Lorde, 1985, p.1). What we need is time to be together, time to re-member, reflect, and plan. We need to engage with the right questions. We need to tear apart the lies—limb by limb—that have been so deeply entrenched into our souls (like stakes of poisonous plant food driven into the soil where our roots are forced to find their nourishment) that even in our death, we fail to see it happening. Thankfully, the mothers who participated in this study are aware. They are prepared to engage in dialogue, prepared to dig deeper, prepared to pull up the tree by the roots, expose the infected parts of the foundation and keep the rest. They are ready to grow together and are willing to include mentors, mentees, and the babies in the healing conversation. These mothers believe in the power of a message or a story, the one that plays out loud, as well as the one that screams in the silence of our heads. Each participant in this study had a story to tell about the challenges that come with being single, a woman, Black, a millennial, a mother and combinations of these identities. They spoke of how they develop as an individual, mother, and
168 teacher along this journey. The individual narratives shared serve as their perspective on the power, determination, and greatness born out of their struggles and accomplishments. They have learned to create, narrate, and embody their own stories rather than to let someone create and direct them in playing out a predetermined script. Learning to know, celebrate, and transform themselves leads them to develop confidence in their ability to parent and serve as first teacher to their children. Because of their own awareness, choices, and decisions to fight against anything that dares to stop their progress, they recognize that they are capable of doing phenomenal things and--making great strides as single Black women and mothers in a society that likes to trash talk them. Despite it all, they rise! They rise because they want to, have to, and need to sustain themselves and their children! These mothers have shown they are not willing to allow others to determine their identity, worth, or destiny. They will not be told how they must live in order to be deemed valuable and proper mothers. They understand who they are, who they want to be, and whose choice it is. They accept the responsibility for protecting, teaching, supporting, and uplifting their children, families, and communities and they know the value of doing this together. They have watched, they have learned, and they have decided for themselves what to do and what not to do. For them, there is no one right way to parent as they see an ever-changing world that calls for rethinking what is common and typical behavior for parenting. They are the modern-day pioneers of parenting in a new age—The Experience Age—and like those who were pioneers during past times when the world was turned on its head, when everything was new, they are having to figure it out. They are having to decide what to bring with them from the past, what to leave behind, and what to modify. It is work but they are not afraid of work--it’s what they do on a daily! So, when it’s all said and done, they don’t give up, they don’t run, they proclaim, “I Got This!” The aim of this study was to bring awareness to the insights of single Black millennial mothers as part of the whole group of esteemed mothers in general. In my experience (and as was the case with Gen Xers versus Boomers and probably all generational comparisons), millennials are often spoken of in a negative manner by non-millennials—people tend to dislike difference and what they do not understand. Therefore, my objectives were also to give voice to these mothers allowing them to expose the counter narratives that provide another perspective on who they determine themselves to be, to create an appreciation for these mothers as first teachers
169 of their children, and to inspire us all to liberation from narrow-mindedness—towards a more socially just society. I do realize that while five participants was a solid research group for this qualitative study, it is a small sample of this population. However, this study was not meant to be generalizable but it was meant to be emancipatory. Future studies might consider ways to include more voices to speak on this matter perhaps with a mixed methods approach that would survey larger groups, hold focus group sessions, and do one-on-one interviews. As millennials and their children continue presenting in community agencies (i.e. schools, social services agencies, hospitals) perhaps we need to prepare ourselves to relate to them in less traditional ways instead of insisting they adapt to our ways out of our need for comfort and/or control. For example, while conducting this research, it was easier to get these single mothers together for a video chat focus group than it was to have them find babysitters and drive to a central location to further discuss the research. With this in mind, perhaps schools could reconsider how meetings with these parents (i.e. parent conferences) are carried out. When single mothers (or any parent who exists in the Experience Age) need to chat with a teacher, it would be much more feasible to do so by video chat. This way they don’t have to leave their jobs early, pack the car full of kids, drive 15 minutes to the school for a 15-minute conference, drive 15 minutes to get back home, cook a late dinner, check homework, get children bathed and bedded down, and still take care of all their other evening rituals. Perhaps we could practice a sort of cultural responsiveness with this group of mothers specifically and millennials in general. During our video chat session, one of the fathers overheard part of the discussion between the participants and suggested we include single fathers in the discussion. The mothers in this study suggested this was definitely something they would love to explore. To that end, studies that focus on the stories of both single Black millennial mothers and fathers could create space for enlightenment and healing to flourish in these relationships, families, communities, and the world. After we had completed our work together, the women asked me to host a yoga class for them (last summer I became a certified yoga instructor and wellness champion). They met at my clubhouse and brought a few of the children and we practiced yoga and meditation together. This is something we have repeated (not everyone has been able to attend) and plan to do on a regular basis going forward. Also, in the area of wellness, I think it is important to point out that CherryB and CJ shared stories of how they used therapy as a tool to support their growth as
170 individuals and parents. Future studies might engage single Black millennial parents in discussion on their wellness practices in relation to their development of self-efficacy as first teacher of their children. Such studies could ask these parents to reflect on how their nutritional, spiritual, physical, psychological wellness practices and service agencies that support them in these areas affect their sense of wellbeing as individuals, families, and communities. Since most family/parent development programs operate out of a deficit model, it is typical for these families to be seen as broken and in need of repair. We tend to tell parents what to do as if they have no knowledge nor the capability to create knowledge of their own volition and through their own resources and practices. However, this study shows that simply posing the right questions allows parents the opportunity to deconstruct the messages and narratives they have been overly exposed to, construct their own knowledge and understanding, and problem solve individually and in community. This concept is the same as problem-based learning used in education settings that allow children to solve problems and learn in community. The power of reflection is something these parenting programs might consider or further research might focus on with single Black millennial parents by perhaps using reflection as a tool for data collection— allowing them to journal (i.e. video, audio, written) over a period of time as they dialogue with critical questions. There is a saying “To teach is to show. You can’t teach what you don’t know. You can’t guide where you don’t go. And you can’t grow what you don’t sow” (Kevin Peter Hall). To that end, this study sheds light on how these mothers come to know, celebrate, and define themselves throughout their journey towards becoming self-efficacious first teachers. It focuses on their decision to determine their own destiny regardless to the limits and placement others attempt to assign to them. Further, this research project emphasizes these mother’s goal to sow seeds that create legacies—as they share their experiences and those shared with them—that encourage their children toward achieving whatever they may attempt in life and support other single parents along the journey to self-efficaciousness as first teachers of their children. Creating space for parents voices to be heard in community could bring about transformation of families, communities, and the world. The single Black millennial mothers who participated in this study have shown, just as our ancestors did, that our goal is to survive, strive, and thrive in a country whose original and current aims were and are to dehumanize us, dismantle our families, desensitize our children,
171 deny us equality, disrupt our progress, and destroy our minds, bodies, and souls. Yet, we stand firm and awake ready to decolonize our minds, bodies and souls; devote our energy to healing the same; and deconstruct the myths, lies, and HIStory used to degrade us. We are prepared to define and develop ourselves, as well as, determine our own destiny. Know that:
We are… ...present We are brilliant. We are united. We are self-defined, one love, loving. We are resilient. We are creative. We are capable. We are beauty. We are not going anywhere. We got us! We got this! We will always BE
APPENDIX
Human Subjects
172 Research Description
PI Last Cooper Name Title of “I’ve Got This!”: Single, Black, Millennial Mothers as First Teachers Describe Project: Their Journey to Development of Self-Efficacy Beliefs in Parenting
Provide the information on the following issues in non-technical language. Refer to the detailed guidance document for issues to consider for each topic. Leading questions are not all-inclusive; you must provide a description of your project sufficient for the reviewers to weigh the risks, benefits, and human protection provisions of your project. Refer to attachments (e.g. consent form and recruitment letters) in the descriptions. If you believe a question is not applicable in your situation, enter N/A
1. Purpose of Research:
The purpose of this research is to explore the experiences of single, Black, female, millennials as they develop a self-efficacy belief in parenting. Self-efficacy, a term coined by Albert Bandura (1977), is simply defined as the belief that one can do what is needed to get the desired results. He suggests this belief in one’s capabilities determines how a person thinks, feels, and is inspired toward action and that one’s degree of efficacy belief is linked to one’s level of accomplishments and well-being. Demographers and researchers typically use the early 1980s as starting birth years and the mid-1990s to early 2000s as ending birth years to define millennials. A 2010 report on millennials by Pew Research Center states that millennials are on track to become the most educated generation in the history of America and that 52 % of those surveyed listed being a good parent as their number one priority. Drawing a parallel between teaching and parenting and acknowledging the family as first teachers (in this study mothers specifically), another purpose of this research is to provide the opportunity for these mothers to deconstruct the notion of themselves as first teachers of their children and explore their sense of self-efficacy belief in this area of parenting. In essence, I hope this research will contribute to the expansion of these mothers’ (and others like them) knowledge of self, increased sense of self- efficacy, and self-worth. According a report by the United States Census entitled “America’s Families and Living Arrangements: 2102”, Black children (55 percent) were more likely to live with one parent than 173 Hispanic children (31 percent), non-Hispanic White children (21 percent), and Asian children (13 percent). The report further states that Black family groups with children under 18 years of age (29 percent) are the highest of the family groups composed of only mother and child(dren) followed by Hispanic families (18 percent), White families (8.0 percent) and Asian families (5.7 percent). This report states that although married families have declined over time, they remain the most common type of family groups and the most economically advantaged. Along with the statistical reports by the Census (2012), many studies (Barrett & Turner, 2005; Gonzalez, M., Jones, D. J., Kincaid, C. Y., & Cuellar, J., 2012) have suggested that being born a Black child in a household headed by a single mother leads to innumerable deficits and a dismal future including teen pregnancy, drug abuse, low self-esteem, crime, and other plagues. This research asks for single Black mothers to narrate their experience and perspective of these conditions. This research will also look into the challenges facing many millennial black mothers and of domestic violence, in its many forms, against women and how these mothers define, experience, work through it as they develop their parenting self-efficacy belief. Although domestic violence is defined as violent or aggressive behavior within the home, typically involving the violent abuse of a spouse or partner, violence enters a home through many media forms (i.e. music, television, subliminal messages) and this study will inquire about and further explore that with this population of mothers. This research intends to serve as a conversation starter for educational leaders who serve these families led by Black single mother millennials who, as a group, have many personality traits, values, and a culture different from the current educational leaders and school staff most of whom are members of previous generational groups. This research is grounded in Womanist theory, a social theory based on the racial and gender-based oppression of black women, and other women of marginalized groups. Alice Walker (1972) describes a womanist as one who is on the side of the oppressed and womanism as a “word of our own” as it relates to Black feminism saying, “womanism is to purple as feminism is to lavender”. Where feminism concerns itself primarily with overcoming sexist oppression for [white] women by her [white] male counterpart, womanism concerns itself with the emancipation and uplifting of the entire Black community foremost because the oppression of Black women goes a lot deeper and further than oppression from Black men only.
174 How will the resulting information contribute to the existing knowledge base?
A study, such as this, that examines the experiences of Black families, headed by single women, who fall into the category of millennials using stories told in their own voices, will shed a more honest light on this often demonized group of mothers. By beginning conversations that are multi-faceted, perhaps there can actually be a transformation of the negative stereotypes associated with these mothers, as well as, allowing them and others like them an opportunity for self-reflection, discovery, and validation. My goal is to have this study highlight the stories that are counter narratives to the current narrative and definition of these children and mothers as at- risk families. This study will contribute to ongoing work on self-efficacy in motherhood particularly amongst single black mothers who are of the millennial generation.
How will the resulting information be disseminated?
This dissertation will be available at Miami University.
2. Subject Population Description: Up to five single, Black single mothers will participate in this study. The mothers who will participate in this study are between the ages of twenty-five and thirty-five and are of the generation referred to as Millennials being born between 1980 and 2000 as outlined in a 2010 report by the Pew Research Center. They self-identify as Black/African-American and are unmarried mothers. I have reviewed several sources of information on the millennial generation in an attempt to develop an understanding of their culture. According to a report provided by Pew Research (2010), each generational group has its own personality and values. Self-confidence, self- expression, liberal beliefs, racial tolerance, and openness to change and differences in sexual orientation are some of the generational descriptors for millennials. They are less affiliated with a religious group, don’t define success in the way previous generations did, but they do respect their elders and even feel responsible to care for them as they age. More than one-third of the 18 – 29-year-old millennials are single mothers (as this generation does not rush to get married) and while one-in-five (21%) of them are married, one-in-three (34%) are parents.
175 This report also lists the priorities in order of importance for millennials as follows: being a good parent (52%), marital success (30%), helping others in need (21%), purchasing a home (20%), living religious lives and having high paying jobs tied at 15%, and becoming famous (1%). I am interested in knowing how they see themselves as parents and how their sense of parental self-efficacy is formed since this is of the highest priority to a majority of millennials. Also, single parenting in a society that is monolithic in its definition of intact, healthy families, can be a struggle in and of itself as there is a stigma attached to anything that looks different from that standard and many assumptions that go along with not matching up to the ideal.
3. Research Procedures/Methods. Provide a description of each activity, discuss human subjects protections issues, and refer to attached materials (consent forms, surveys, recruitment scripts, etc.):
A. Recruitment and Selection of Subjects:
Five single, Black mothers will be invited to participate in this research. Of the 5 women who have agreed to participate in this study, one is my former co-worker, 3 are friends of my daughter, and one is a friend of my daughter as well as a former parent of a student I taught in kindergarten (4 years ago). All of us are members of an ever-growing sister circle of support and honest communication for the purpose of growth. Although these women know me, I do not present myself to them (or even my biological children) as an authority on life. I present myself more as a spiritual partner with them who can teach and learn in the group just as they too can. I am seen as a member not a leader of the sister/mother circle and I have an already established rapport with these women.
We don’t have a formal meeting place or date but sometimes find ourselves in situations together (i.e. the beauty salon, children’s birthday parties, family gatherings, cookouts) and not typically all these women are present at any given gathering at the same time but sometimes it happens. In other words, they have all met one another on several occasions and while they are not all best friends, they are all acquaintances. Our commonalities (single, Black, female, mothers) provides us with a sense of safety and a trust that is growing and expanding each time
176 we find ourselves together. They all know that I have been a single mother at different periods of my life and this also gives them a sense of safety with expressing themselves openly with me. We have had many open and honest discussions about many different topics at many different times and in many settings. As it relates to communicating with the participants I understand and speak their language and understand their codes. Shank (2006) describes this as an important part of conversing called the metalingual function of communication and says it leads to increased insight and genuine discoveries (p. 43). I do not have to spend time trying to decode their language, nuances, or expressions but can recognize when they may be holding back information, being playful (and I can dig deeper), or need to talk in private. Shank (2006) says qualitative research is often defined as research in natural settings (p. 4). I am a part of these women’s natural setting and the bonds formed in our circle make me an insider. My purpose in this research is to listen to and document their stories and all names will be anonymized.
I will speak to them in person or by telephone and tell them what the purpose of the research then ask them if they would be interested in participating. I will accept the first five participants that respond because all these potential participants are viable candidates. I will ask those who agree but don’t respond first to consider being reserve candidates so that if something happens and someone has to discontinue their participation before the second group of interviews, they can participate.
B. Research Location(s):
Currently, I have secured a salon space after hours where interviews can be held. The interviews can be held there on Sundays or Mondays when the salon is closed, quiet. The setting is comfortable and three of the participants are the salon owners. They have expressed a desire to create an environment that nurtures and supports single mothers and have asked me (because they know of this work and my passion to support single mothers as well) to develop topics for support group discussions that they will host regularly for their clients. Also, I am willing to meet any participant at their home as long as they can schedule the interview during
177 uninterrupted time. The focus group meeting will happen at the salon and the ladies will be served light refreshments provided by me.
C. Consent/Assent Process Description (attach forms/scripts as appendices and refer to them) :
Provide a general description of the process for obtaining consent/assent of the subjects or their representatives:
I will use a consent/assent form that will explain to participants the voluntary nature of their participation, as well as, their ability to discontinue participation at any time without any adverse reaction or negative consequences.
How will you ensure that the voluntary nature of participation is apparent to subjects?
See consent form. How will you implement a system whereby a subject can withdraw from the research aspects of the study without concern about being penalized?
See consent form.
D. Describe the nature and timing of the research activities (e.g. after granting consent, subjects will complete a pre-treatment test/survey/interview, participate in an activity (be specific), and complete a post-treatment test/survey/interview). Attach surveys, interview questions etc. as appendices. Details regarding subject protections are entered below.
I will develop an Interview Guide consisting of no more than six questions and as Glasne (2011) suggests, these questions will be non-directional (so participants don’t feel led to answer in a particular manner), few and number, and open-ended (allowing for stories to be shared). After participants have agreed to take part in the research, the first round of semi-structured qualitative individual interviews will take place in order to generate the data to answer my 178 research question. Their responses will be captured on audio tape and the interviews will be transcribed using the raw data. Notes taken during interviews will assist in recalling comments and responses that may be unclear on the recordings as well as to capture any noteworthy behaviors/expressions that each participant displays during the interviews. After those interviews are transcribed, participants will have the opportunity to review the transcript of their interview to ensure their agreement with what was captured. After viewing their transcripts, second interviews/meetings will be used to allow participants an opportunity to add any pertinent information they feel was omitted or clarify any misstated information from the initial interview. Qualitative data analysis, as described by Shank (2006), requires the researcher to have conversation with the data. That is engaging the data through thematic analysis. The previously described data will be analyzed to identify major themes common to all of the participants in the study and will inform the focus group discussion with the participants together. This session will provide the opportunity for the researcher to address any common themes that could be explored further to ensure the stories of these women are recounted in the most thoughtful and thorough manner.
E. Procedures for Safeguarding Confidentiality of Information:
Who will have access to confidential data?
After transcription, only the researcher will have access to the data generated by the interviews. All other forms will be kept in the researcher’s locked fireproof box in her home office.
For how long will subject identifying information be linked to the data?
Subject identifying data will be destroyed as soon as possible, albeit, their actual names are not going to be used for the research. They will provide a pseudonym to be used creating anonymity.
Where and how will the data be stored? 179
Project specific data safety (e.g. recording security, protecting identities etc.) :
Data will be stored in a locked fireproof box in the home office of the researcher who lives alone. Tapes, transcripts, and data will be kept until the dissertation defense has been completed and graduation is confirmed for the researcher.
F. Deception: There is no need for deception in this research
Provide Justification for deception:
Describe debriefing process:
G. Potential Modifications: If the nature of your research is such that you can anticipate modifications to the procedures, describe in brief the nature and timing of these modification requests that will be submitted to the IRB:
4. Potential Risks and Discomforts: Describe nature and likelihood of risks to subjects:
Should an identified risk event occur, specifically, what action will be taken to minimize the effect?
Because there may be discussion on domestic violence that could potentially elicit emotional distress due to difficult conversations, participants will be advised that they can call the Ohio Domestic Violence Network at 800-934-9840, contact them at http://www.odvn.org., be directed to find a list of Ohio shelters and hotlines at http://literacy.kent.edu/Oasis/abuse/ohio.html, or contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at http://www.thehotline.org to chat online or call them at 1-800-799-7233 | 1-800- 787-3224 (TTY).
180
5. Potential Benefits:
Are there identifiable benefits for the subjects, if so briefly discuss:
This research aims to contribute to the new narrative that is giving a platform to Black single mothers wherein they are encouraged to support, uplift, and name themselves. These mothers stand to benefit from the sheer opportunity to tell their own stories in their own voices, in order to shed a more honest light on themselves as single mothers. Positive self-talk, seeing their own strength and resiliency will benefit them greatly as they engage in self-discovery that they may otherwise have little time to express orally – out loud. Describe the benefit to society (e.g. people, academic field, etc.):
By beginning conversations that are multi-faceted, one goal of this research is transformation of the negative stereotypes associated with single Black mothers, as well as, allowing them and others like them an opportunity for self-reflection, discovery, and validation. My goal is to have this study highlight the stories that are counter narratives to the current narrative and definition of these children and mothers as at-risk families
References
America’s Families and Living Arrangements: 2102: https://www.census.gov/prod/2013pubs/p20- 570.pdf retrieved March 4, 2017
Bandura, A. (1997). Self-efficacy: The exercise of control. New York, NY: Freeman.
Barrett, A. E., & Turner, R. (2005). Family structure and mental health: The mediating effects of social economic status, family process and social stress. Journal of Health and Social Behavior. 46(2), 156-169.
Glesne, C. (2011). Becoming qualitative researchers: An introduction (4th ed.). Columbus, OH: Pearson.
181 Gonzalez, M., Jones, D. J., Kincaid, C. Y., & Cuellar, J. (2012). Neighborhood Context and Adjustment in African American Youths from Single Mother Homes: The Intervening Role of Hopelessness. Cultural Diversity an Ethnic Minority Psychology, 18(2), 109-117.
Jeffries, Leonard. Kentake Page. http://kentakepage.com/dr-leonard-jeffries-pan-african-educator/ retrieved April 15, 2017
Pew Research Center (2010). A Portrait of Generation Next: Confident, Connected, Open to Change. http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/files/2010/10/millennials-confident-connected-open-to- change.pdf retrieved April 15, 2017
Shank, G.D. (2006). Qualitative research: A personal skills approach (2nd ed.) Columbus, OH: Merrill Prentice Hall.
Walker, Alice. In Search Of Our Mother’s Gardens. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alice_Walker retrieved February 16, 2017
Insert/append additional materials below, these include (X all that apply): ___ Recruitment Materials (fliers, letters, messages, scripts etc.) ___ Consent Form(s) ___ Assent forms/scripts ___ Copies of questionnaires ___ A listing of interview questions ___ Other materials
Initial Contact Script
Hi ______, it’s Robin Cooper.
182 I am currently working on my doctorate degree in Educational Leadership from Miami University. My dissertation topic is “I’ve Got This!”: Single, Black, Millennial Mothers as First Teachers Describe Their Journey to Development of Self-Efficacy Beliefs in Parenting”. I am interested in exploring how the mothers born between the years 1980 and 2000 describe their path to developing a belief in their ability to parent their children as their child’s first teacher. I am contacting you to see if you would be interested in participating in the research which would consist of two interviews with me, alone, and one group session with up to four other mothers. I will tape record all interviews. Your total time spent in interviews could be between four and five hours. You will have the opportunity to review all your interview documents after they have been transcribed and ask if there is anything you would want to add or delete from the documents before the information is used in the study. The interviews can be done at a salon, my home, or at your residence if we can have uninterrupted time in a private setting there. If at any point in the process you decide you are no longer interested in participating, you are more than welcome to withdraw from the process and no information previously provided would be used. Is this something you would like to be a part of? If “yes”: Great! Please let me know what day would be the best date for our first interview and what time works best for you. If “no”. I understand. Thank you for your time. We’ll talk soon.
Interview: Introductory Script Thank you for agreeing to participate in this process. I know you are taking time out of your busy schedule to be a part of this and having been a single mother too, I really appreciate it.
183 • My goal for this interview is to listen as you describe your journey to developing a belief in your abilities as a parent and first teacher of your child(ren). I will ask some questions to begin each segment of the conversation and you are free to choose whether or not to respond to any of the questions. At times, I may follow-up with questions or restate what I hear you say in order to be sure I understand your responses. • If you need me to repeat a question, just let me know. • There are no right or wrong answers just your experiences, beliefs, thoughts, ideas, and understandings. • Our conversation will be transcribed and you will receive a copy for review. We can edit it if you would like to add or delete anything. • Do you have any questions for me before we begin? • I’ll start by asking you to review the Informed Consent form I sent to your email and you brought with you today. Remember that at any time, you can withdraw from this process. Are you ready to begin? • Let’s make sure the recorder works – could you just speak for me to ensure your voice can be heard on the recording? Maybe you could recite the alphabet or count to 10 for mic check. I will do the same. We will play it back to make sure we can hear ourselves then begin. • Thanks, let’s begin our conversation.
Consent Form Dear ______,
184 I am currently working on the final aspect of attaining my doctorate degree in Educational Leadership from Miami University. I am putting together a dissertation and the topic is “I’ve Got This!”: Single, Black, Millennial Mothers as First Teachers Describe Their Journey to Development of Self-Efficacy Beliefs in Parenting”. I am interested in exploring how the mothers born between the years 1980 and 2000 describe their path to developing a belief in their ability to parent their children as their child’s first teacher. All participants must be at least 19 years of age to participate. This study has been approved by the IRB and was assigned approval number 01441r. I am contacting you to see if you would be interested in participating in the research which would consist of two interviews with me, alone, and one group session with up to four other mothers. Your total time spent in interviews would be between four and five hours total. You will have the opportunity to review all your interview documents after they have been transcribed and asked if there is anything you would want to add or delete from the documents before the information is used in the study. The interviews can be done at a salon, my home, or at your residence if we can have uninterrupted time in a private setting there. If at any point in the process you decide you are no longer interested in participating, you are more than welcome to contact me to withdraw from the process, no information previously provided would be used and there will be no loss of benefit. If you have further questions about the process, you can contact me by phone at 513-835- 6396 or by email at [email protected]. You may also contact my committee chair, Dr. Kate Rousmaniere, Department of Education Leadership at 513-529-6843 or [email protected] if you have further concerns.
Thanks for your participation and I’ll see you on ______at ______.
******************************************************************************
Please bring this form with you.
185 I agree to participate in the interview on “I’ve Got This!”: Single, Black, Millennial Mothers as First Teachers Describe Their Journey to Development of Self-Efficacy Beliefs in Parenting”. I understand my participation is voluntary and that my name will not be associated with the information I provide during the interviews or focus group session.
Participant’s Signature ______Date ______
Interview Conclusion Script 186
Well, it looks like we’re about read to wrap it up for this session. Before we end, is there anything else you would like to say that you may not have said already? Do you have any questions for me at this point? O.K. then thank you very much for allowing me to experience this conversation with you. I’ll get back to you with the transcripts when they are ready and we will then set up our second interview. Thanks again!
Background Information Sheet
187 Participant ______Date/Time/Place of Interview: Age: Educational Background: Occupation: Number of children: Ages of children
188 Interview Questions: 1. As it relates to challenges, celebrations, support systems, images (of self and others), describe your experience being a. single b. female c. black d. a mother e. a Millennial (born between 1980 and 2000) 2. If any, describe your experience with community service agencies 3. Share your definition of domestic violence Have you had any experience with it as a child, adult, both? If so, what (if any) would you say were its effects on you as a person and as a parent? 4. Describe your experience with education as a a. child b. mother 5. Can you describe when and how you began to see yourself as the first teacher of your child? 6. Describe how you feel about your ability to successfully parent your child(ren) and what if any things have led you to feel this way, like “I got this!”
189 REFERENCES
Alcoff, L. M. (2007). “Epistemologies of Ignorance” in Race and Epistemologies of Ignorance.
ed. Sullivan, S. & Tuana, N. Albany: State University of New York Press., 39-58.
Retrieved November 18, 2017, from Project MUSE database.
Angelou, Maya. Still I Rise, https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-
poets/poems/detail/46446 retrieved March 4, 2017
America’s Families and Living Arrangements:
2102: https://www.census.gov/prod/2013pubs/p20-570.pdf retrieved March 4, 2017
Anzaldua, G. (2015). Light in the dark/Luz en lo oscuro: Rewriting Identity, Spirituality, Reality.
ed. Keating, A. Durham, NC: Duke University Press.
Asante, M. K. (1987). The Afrocentric idea. Philadelphia: Temple University Press.
Asante, M. K. (1991). The Afrocentric idea in education. Journal of Negro Education, 60, 170-
180.
Badu, E. & Chinwu, M. (1997). Certainly (Recorded by Erykah Badu). On Baduizm [CD].
Battery Studios, New York: Kedar Entertainment.
Bambara, T. C. (1970). “On the Issue of Roles” in The Black Woman: An Anthology. ed. Toni
Cade Bambara 101-10. New York: Signet.
Bambara, T. C. (1984). “Salvation Is the Issue,” In Black Women Writers (1950 – 1980): A
Critical Evaluation, edited by Mari Evans, 41 – 47. New York: Anchor Books
Bandura, A. (1977). Self-efficacy: Toward a unifying theory of behavioral change.
Psychological Review, 84(2), 191-215.
Bandura, A. (1982). Self-efficacy mechanism in human agency. American Psychologist, Vol
37(2), Feb 1982, 122-147.
190 Bandura, A. (1986). Social foundations of thought and action: A social cognitive theory.
Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall.
Bandura, A. (1994). Self-efficacy. In V.S. Ramachaudran (Ed.), Encyclopedia of human
behavior (Vol. 4, pp. 71-81). New York, NY: Academic Press. (Reprinted in H. Friedman
[Ed.], Encyclopedia of mental health. San Diego: Academic Press, 1998).
Bandura, A. (1997). Self-efficacy: The exercise of control. New York, NY: Freeman.
Bandura, A. (2006). Toward a Psychology of Human Agency, 2006 Association for
Psychological Science Volume 1 (2) 164-180
https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/4c53/0339369cff0093101ba611b28e48620f3493.pdf
Barrett, A. E., & Turner, R. (2005). Family structure and mental health: The mediating effects of
socioeconomic status, family process and social stress. Journal of Health and Social
Behavior. 46(2), 156-169.
Baszile, D. T., Edwards, K., Guillory, N. (Eds.). (2016). Race, gender, and curriculum
theorizing: Working in womanish ways. Lanham, MD: Lexington Books.
Baszile, D. T. (2016). Gettin’ on with the the business of the rest of her life. In D. T. Baszile, K.
T. Edwards, and N. A. Guillory (Eds.), Race, gender, and curriculum theorizing:
Working in womanish ways. (pp.1-16).Lanham, MD: Lexington Books.
Beal, F. M. (2008). Double Jeopardy: To Be Black and Female. Meridians: feminism, race,
transnationalism 8(2), 166-176. Indiana University Press. Retrieved November 18, 2017,
from Project MUSE database.
Bell, D. A. (1992). Faces at the bottom of the well: The permanence of racism. New
York: Basic Books.
Bernard, J. (1966). Marriage and family amongst Negroes. Englewood Cliffs,
191 NJ: Prentice-Hall, Inc.
Bey, M. (2016). The shape of angel’s teeth: Toward a blacktransfeminist thought through the
mattering of black (trans) lives. Departures in Critical Qualitative Research, Vol. 5(3),
Fall 2016; (pp. 33-54).
Black Youth Project, (2015). “Black Millennials In America Report” Retrieved on July, 10, 2017
from https://assets.documentcloud.org/documents/2504668/black-millennials-in-america-
report.pdf
Blake, John (January 23, 2012). “Return of the welfare queen. CNN.
Bloomberg, (2018). Fortune Magazine, Facebook Cambridge Analytica Scandal: 10 Questions
Answered Retrieved on April 21, 2018 from http://fortune.com/2018/04/10/facebook-
cambridge-analytica-what-happened/
Boylorn, R. M. (2008), “As Seen on TV: An Autoethnographic Reflection on Race
and Reality Television,” Critical Studies in Media Communication 25. 413-433
Brodsky, A. E., & DeVet, K. A. (2000). “You have to be real strong”: Parenting goals and
strategies of resilient, urban, African American single mothers. Journal of Prevention &
Intervention in the Community, 20(1), 159-178.
Brody, G. H., Murry, V. M., Kim, & Brown, A. C. (2002). Longitudinal pathways to competence
and psychological adjustment among African American children living in rural single-
parent households. Child Development, 73, 1505-1516.
Bullock, H. E., Fraser Wyche, K. and Williams, W. R. (2001), Media Images of the Poor.
Journal of Social Issues, 57: 229–246. doi:10.1111/0022-4537.00210
Byrd, R. P., Cole, J. B., Guy-Sheftall, B. (Eds.). (2009). I am your sister: Collected and
unpublished writings of Audre Lorde. New York: Oxford University Press.
192 Cannon, K. G. (2003). Katie’s canon: Womanism and the soul of the Black community. New
York. Continuum.
Caprara, G. V., Regalia, C., Scabini, E., Barbaranelli, C., & Bandura, A. (2004). Assessment of
Filial, Parental, Marital, and Collective Family Efficacy Beliefs. European Journal of
Psychological Assessment, 20(4), 247-261.
Chapman, T. K., & Bhopal, K. K. (2013). Countering common-sense understandings of
‘good parenting:’women of color advocating for their children. Race Ethnicity
and Education, 16(4), 562-586.
Clandinin, D. J., & Connelly, F. M. (2000). Narrative inquiry: Experience and story in
qualitative research. San Francisco: JosseyBass Publishers.
Clark, K. B., & Clark, M. K. (1939). The development of consciousness of self and the
emergence of racial identification in Negro preschool children. The Journal of
Social Psychology, 10, 591-599. doi:http://dx.doi.org/10.1080/00224545.1939.9713394
Cochran-Smith, M. (2009). Toward a theory of teacher education for social justice. In M. Fullan,
A. Hargreaves, D. Hopkins, & A. Lieberman (Eds.), The international handbook of
educational change (2nd ed.). New York: Springer Publishing.
Collins, P. (2009). Black feminist thought: Knowledge, consciousness, and the politics of
empowerment. New York, NY: Routledge Classics.
Collins, P. (2016). Black Feminist Thought as Oppositional Knowledge. Departures in Critical
Qualitative Research, Vol. 5(3), Fall 2016; (pp. 133-144)
Crenshaw, K. W. (1991). “Mapping the Margins: Intersectionality, Identity, Politics, and
Violence Against Women of Color.” Stanford Law Review 43 (6): 1241-99
193 Cruz, J. M., Okoh, O., Gooden, A., Spates, K., Elue, C. A., Rousseau, N. (2016). The Ekwe
Collective: Black Feminist Praxis. Departures in Critical Qualitative Research, Vol.
5(3), Fall 2016; (pp. 77-100).
Curry, C. (2014). “Maya Angelou’s Wisdom Distilled in 10 of Her Best Quotes”.
http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/maya-angelous-wisdom-distilled-10-best-
quotes/story?id=23895284 retrieved on November 25, 2017
Davis, A. Y. (1981). Women, Race, and Class. New York: Random House.
Delgado, R. (1989). Storytelling for oppositionists and others: A plea for narrative. Michigan
Law Review. Retrieved on May 15, 2017 from
https://poseidon01.ssrn.com/delivery.php?ID=3790661111241210010180190951170880
700330200280810080860640871120910980750300941130931260320330600450390301
181200810280960670231110060590590741240240820760680181000930000350151031
000051230730641010890700000231250641241121070171000920210150991120640690
82&EXT=pdf
Dillard, C. (2012). Learning to (re)member the things we’ve learned to forget. New York: Peter
Lang.
Douglas, Susan; Michaels, Meredith W. (2005). The mommy myth: The idealization of
motherhood and how it has undermined all women. Free Press. p. 178.
Dovidio, J. F., Evans, N., & Tyler, R. B. (1986). Racial stereotypes: The contents of their
cognitive representations. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 22(1), 22-37.
Drabinski, J. (2013). Decolonizing the colonizer: three aspects. Retrieved on December 1, 2017
from
https://jdrabinski.wordpress.com/2013/12/12/decolonizing-the-colonizer-in-three-parts/
194 Dunn, L., Dunn, L. M., & White, M. (1975). All about love. Recorded by Earth, Wind, & Fire.
On That’s the way of the world [record]. New York: Columbia Records.
Edwards, K. (2016). “Learning to (Re)member as Womanish Curricular Transcendence”. In D.
T. Baszile, K. T. Edwards, and N. A. Guillory (Eds.), Race, gender, and curriculum
theorizing: Working in womanish ways. (pp.53-69). Lanham, MD: Lexington Books.
Entman, R. M. (1995). Television, democratic theory and the visual construction of poverty.
Research in Political Sociology, 7, 139-160. Fear. definition retrieved on November 29,
2016 from http://www.dictionary.com/browse/fear
Bloomberg, (2018). Fortune Magazine, Facebook Cambridge Analytica Scandal: 10 Questions
Answered Retrieved on April 21, 2018 from http://fortune.com/2018/04/10/facebook-
cambridge-analytica-what-happened/
Frazier, E. F. (1939). The Negro family in the United States. Chicago: University of Chicago
Press.
Freire, P. (1970, 2006). Pedagogy of the oppressed. (30th Anniversary Edition). New York:
Continuum International Publishing Group.
Freire, P. (2005). Pedagogy of Indignation. Paradigm Publishers.
Gandhi, Mahatma. Quote: http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/50584-your-beliefs-become-your-
thoughts-your-thoughts-become-your-words retrieved February 20, 2017
Gandy, O. H., & Baron, J. (1998). Inequality: Its all the way you look at it (influence of race,
education, and information seeking). Communication Research, 25, (505-527).
Gilens, M. (1996). Race and poverty in America: Public misperceptions and the American news
media. Public Opinion Quarterly, 60, 515-541.
195 Gilens, Martin (2000). “The news media and the radicalization of poverty”. Why Americans Hate
Welfare: Race, Media, and the Politics of Antipoverty Policy. Studies in Communication,
Media, and Public Opinion. Chicago, IL: University of Chicago Press. pp. 102–32.
Gilliam, Franklin D. Jr.(1999). The "Welfare Queen" Experiment: How Viewers React to Images
of African-American Mothers on Welfare. Center for Communications and Community.
UCLA: Center for Communications and Community. Retrieved from:
http://escholarship.org/uc/item/17m7r1rq
Gonzalez, M., Jones, D. J., Kincaid, C. Y., & Cuellar, J. (2012). Neighborhood Context and
Adjustment in African American Youths from Single Mother Homes: The Intervening
Role of Hopelessness. Cultural Diversity and Ethnic Minority Psychology, 18(2), 109-
117.
Glesne, C. (2011). Becoming qualitative researchers: An introduction (4th ed.). Columbus, OH:
Pearson.
Glasser, T., & Salmon, C. (Eds.). (1995). Public opinion and the communication of consent.
New York: The Guilford Press.
Griffin, R. (2016). Cultivating promise and possibility: Black feminist thought as an innovative,
interdisciplinary, and international framework. Departures in Critical Qualitative
Research, Vol. 5(3), Fall 2016; (pp.1-9).
Guillory, N. (2016). #BlackWomenMatter: Intersectionality and the legacy of Kimberlé
Williams Crenshaw. In D. T. Baszile, K. T. Edwards, and N. A. Guillory (Eds.), Race,
gender, and curriculum theorizing: Working in womanish ways. (pp.103-118). Lanham,
MD: Lexington Books.
196 Gumbs, A. P., Martens, C., Williams, M. (Eds.). (2016). Revolutionary mothering: Love on the
front lines. Oakland, CA: PM Press.
Gwaltney, J. L. (1980). Drylongso, A Self-Portrait of Black America. New York: Vintage
Higgs, J. (2001). Charting standpoints in qualitative research. In H. Byrne-Armstrong, J. Higgs,
and D. Horsfall (eds.), Critical Moments in Qualitative Research (pp. 44-67). Boston:
Butterworth-Heinemann. hooks, b. (1981). Ain't I a woman :Black women and feminism. Boston, MA. : South End Press. hooks, b. (1984). Feminist theory: From margin to center. Boston, MA. : South End Press. hooks, b. (1992). Black Looks: Race and representation. Boston, MA. South End Press. hooks, b. (1994). Teaching to transgress :education as the practice of freedom New York :
Routledge. hooks, b. (2000). All about love: New visions. New York: William Morrow hooks, b. (2009). “The Imagination of Justice” in I am your sister: collected and unpublished
writings of Audre Lorde. ed. Byrd, R. P., Cole, J. B., Guy-Sheftall, B. New York: Oxford
University Press. (242-248)
hooks, b. (2015). Sisters of the Yam. New York: Routledge.
Hughes, D., & Chen, L. (1997). When and what parents tell children about race: An
examination of race-related socialization among African American families. Applied
Developmental Science, 1(4), 200-214.
Hunter, A. G., & Sellers, S. (1998). Feminist attitudes among African American women and
men. Gender & Society, 12(1), 81-99.
197 Jennings, M. E., & Lynn, M. (2005). The House that Race Built: Critical Pedagogy, African-
American Education, and the Re-Conceptualization of a Critical Race Pedagogy.
Educational Foundations, 19.
Jones, L. (1994). Bulletproof diva: Tales of race, sex, and hair. New York: Anchor.
Keating, A. (2016). Spiritual activism, visionary pragmatism, and threshold theorizing: An
Anzalduan meditation with black feminist thought. Departures in Critical Qualitative
Research, Vol. 5(3), Fall 2016; (pp.101-107).
Kinder, D., & Sanders, L. (1996). Divided by color. Racial politics and democratic ideals.
Chicago: University of Chicago Press.
Kogan, S. M., & Brody, G. H. (2010). Linking Parenting and Informal Mentor Processes
to Depressive Symptoms among Rural African American Young Adult Men. Cultural
Diversity and Ethnic Minority Psychology, 16(3), 299-306.
Ladson-Billings, G. (2000). Racialized discourses and ethnic epistemologies. In Denzin, N. K.,
Lincoln, Y. S. (Eds.), Handbook of qualitative research (2nd ed., pp. 257-277).
Thousand Oaks, CA: SAGE.
Ladson-Billings, G. (2009). “Just what is critical race theory and what’s it doing in a nice
field like education?” in E. Taylor, E., D. Gillborn, & G. Ladson-Billings. (Eds.).
Foundations of critical race theory in education. New York: Routledge.
Latifah, Q. & Sample, J. (1993). U.N.I.T.Y. . On Black Reign (CD). NY: Motown.
Lawrence, C. (1995). The word and the river: Pedagogy as scholarship and struggle. In K.
Crenshaw, N. Gotanda, G. Peller, and K. Thomas (Eds.), Critical race theory: The
writings that formed the movement. (pp. 336-351). New York: Free Press
198 Leary, Joy DeGruy. (2005). Post traumatic slave syndrome: America's legacy of enduring injury
and healing. Milwaukie, Oregon: Uptone Press.
Levingston, S. (2016). Infamous Mothers http://www.infamousmothers.com/between-
us/2016/3/10/as707h298pamhjwbds80f2f37nn13d, retrieved on August 24, 2017
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Walter_Lippmann, retrieved on October 4, 2017
Lorde, A. (1984). Sister outsider: Essays and speeches. Trumansburg, NY: Crossing Press.
Lorde, A. (1985). Poetry is not a luxury. retrieved on April 9, 2018 from
https://makinglearning.files.wordpress.com/2014/01/poetry-is-not-a-luxury-audre-
lorde.pdf
Luthar, S. S., Cicchetti, D., & Becker, B. (2000). The construct of resilience: A critical
evaluation and guidelines for future work. Child development, 71(3), 543562.
Lynn, M. (1999). Toward a critical race pedagogy a research note. Urban education, 33(5), 606-
626.
Mandara, J., & Murray, C.B. (2000). Effects of Parental Marital Status, Income, and Family
Functioning on African American Adolescent Self-Esteem. Journal of Family
Psychology, 14(3), 475-490.
Massey, D. B. (2015). Resiliency and Maternal Self-Efficacy of Single African American
Mothers: A qualitative study. Retrieved on April, 2, 2017 from
https://scholarworks.waldenu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?referer=&httpsredir=1&article=25
43&context=dissertations
Matias, C. (2016a). "“Mommy, is being brown bad?” : Critical Race Parenting in a Post-Race
Era," Race and Pedagogy Journal: Teaching and Learning for Justice: Vol. 1 : No. 3 ,
Article 1.
199 Matias, C. (2016b). Shadowboxing whiteness inside teacher education: Critical race activism to
the race-gender degree. In D. T. Baszile, K. T. Edwards, and N. A. Guillory (Eds.), Race,
gender, and curriculum theorizing: Working in womanish ways. (pp.71-85). Lanham,
MD: Lexington Books.
McBride-Murry, V., Bynum, M. S., Brody, G. H., Willert, A., & Stephens, D. (2001).
African American Single Mothers and Children in Context: A Review of Studies on Risk
and Resilience. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, 4(2), 133- 155.
McGirt, E. (2017). A New Report Shows Black Women’s Influence at Work and on the Web.
Fortune Magazine. Sep 21, 2017. Retrieved on January 4, 2018 from
http://for.tn/2wFalui.
Mills, C. (1997). The Racial Contract. Cornell University Press. Retrieved from
http://www.jstor.org/stable/10.7591/j.ctt5hh1wj on November 18, 2017.
Mills, C. (2007). “White Ignorance,” In Sullivan, S. & Tuana, N. (Eds.), Race and
Epistemologies of Ignorance. (pp. 11-38). Albany: State University of New York Press.,
Retrieved November 18, 2017, from Project MUSE database.
Moraga, C., & Anzaldúa, G. (2015). This bridge called my back: Writings by radical women of
color (Fourth edition.). Albany, NY: SUNY Press.
Morrison, T. (1984). Memory, creation and writing. Thought, v59(4), pp. 385-390.
Morton, B. R. (2016). Ain’t nothin’ wrong with cleanin’ houses: Utterances on southern
womanism and the search for our mamas’ gardens. In D. T. Baszile, K. T. Edwards, and
N. A. Guillory (Eds.), Race, gender, and curriculum theorizing: Working in womanish
ways. (pp.17-36). Lanham, MD: Lexington Books.
Moynihan, D. (1965).The Negro Family: The Case For National Action
200 Office of Policy Planning and Research United States Department of Labor
March 1965 https://www.dol.gov/general/aboutdol/history/webid-meyniham retrieved
9/24/17
Naber, N. (2016). Arab and black feminisms: Joint struggle and transnational anti-imperialist
activism. Departures in Critical Qualitative Research, Vol. 5(3), Fall 2016; (pp.116-
125).
Nankin, I. (2016). Breathe For Change: Changing the world on teacher at a time. Retrieved on
August 12, 2017 from
https://static1.squarespace.com/static/58055917e58c62739ac1c47f/t/582e6ff9be65944ef6
4ca603/1479438343986/Ilana%2BNankin.%2BDissertation%2BFinal%2B%28Formatted
%29%2B%282%29%2B%281%29.pdf
Nielsen Report: “Black Girl Magic” and Brand Loyalty is Propelling Total Black Buying Power
Toward $1.5 Trillion by 2021. retrieved on March 5, 2018 from
http://www.nielsen.com/us/en/press-room/2017/nielsen-report-black-girl-magic-and-
brand-loyalty-is-propelling-black-buying-power.html
Nielsen, (2017). Exploring the Effects of #BLACKGIRLMAGIC. Retrieved on September 12,
2017 from http://www.nielsen.com/us/en/insights/news/2017/exploring-the-effect-of-
blackgirlmagic.html
Nielsen, (2017) Diverse Intelligence Series. African American Women: Our science, her magic.
Retrieved on November 10, 2017 from
http://www.nielsen.com/content/dam/corporate/us/en/reports-downloads/2017-
reports/nielsen-african-american-diverse-intelligence-report-2017.pdf
Okri, B. (1997). A way of being free. London: Phoenix House.
201 Palmer, P. (1980). The promise of paradox. Notre Dame, IN: Ave Maria Press.
Palmer, P. (1997). The grace of great things: Reclaiming the sacred in knowing, teaching, and
learning. Holistic Education Review, 10(3), 816.
Palmer, P. J. (1998). The courage to teach. San Francisco: JosseyBass.
Palmer, P. J. (1999). Let your life speak: Listening for the voice of vocation. John Wiley & Sons.
Pateman, C. (1988). The sexual contract. Stanford, Calif.: Stanford University Press.
Patterson, A., Kinloch, V., Burkhard, T., Randall, R., Howard, A. (2016) Black Feminist
Thought as Methodology. Departures in Critical Qualitative Research, Vol. 5(3), Fall
2016; (pp. 56-76)
Pew Research Center (2010). “Millennials: Confident. Connected. Open to Change” Execute
Summary retrieved March 2017 from
http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2010/02/24/millennials-confident-connected-open-to-
change/
Pew Research Center (2014). “Millennials in Adulthood.” Retrieved on November 5, 2017 from
http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2014/03/07/millennials-in-adulthood/
Reese, E. (2005). Backlash against Welfare Mothers: Past and Present. Berkeley: University of
California Press. Retrieved October 2, 2017, from Project MUSE database.
Ross, S.N. (2016). Crooked sticks and straight licks. In D. T. Baszile, K. T. Edwards, and N. A.
Guillory (Eds.), Race, gender, and curriculum theorizing: Working in womanish ways.
(pp.129-146). Lanham, MD: Lexington Books.
Schram, T. H. (2006). Conceptualizing and proposing qualitative research (2nd ed.) Upper
Saddle River, N.J: Pearson Merrill Prentice Hall.
202 Schwarzer, R. (Ed.) (1992). Self-efficacy: Thought control of action. Washington, DC:
Hemisphere.
Schwarzer, R. & Hallum, S. (2008). Perceived Teacher Self-Efficacy as a Predictor of Job Stress
and Burnout: Mediation Analyses. Applied Psychology, 57: 152–171. doi:10.1111/
j.1464-0597.2008.00359.x
Scott, K. (2016). Black Feminist Reflections on Activism: Repurposing Strength for Self-Care,
Sustainability, and Survival. Departures in Critical Qualitative Research, Vol. 5(3), Fall
2016; (pp.126-132).
Shank, G.D. (2006). Qualitative research: A personal skills approach (2nd ed.) Columbus, OH:
Merrill Prentice Hall.
Sleeter, C. E. (2001). Preparing teachers for culturally diverse schools: Research and the
overwhelming presence of whiteness. Journal of Teacher Education, 52(2), 94106.
Solorzano, D. G., & Yosso, T. J. (2002). Critical race methodology: Counter-storytelling
as an analytical framework for education research. Qualitative inquiry, 8(1), 23-
44.
Taylor, M. (2018, February 14). DailyOM. Finding Your Tribe. Retrieved February 17, 2018
from https://www.dailyom.com/cgi-bin/display/articledisplay.cgi?aid=61446
Thandeka. (1999). Learning to be white: Money, race, and God in America. Continuum
International Publishing Group.
Wadhera, M. (2016). The Information Age Is Over; Welcome to the Experience Age. Retrieved
on May 13, 2017 from https://techcrunch.com/2016/05/09/the-information-age-is-over-
welcome-to-the-experience-age/
203 Walker, A. (1983). In search of our mothers' gardens: Womanist prose. San Diego: Harcourt
Brace Jovanovich.
Walker, A. (2006). We are the ones we have been waiting for: Inner light in times of darkness.
New York: The New Press.
Walker, A. (2016). Here It Is. Retrieved on November, 29, 2017 from
http://alicewalkersgarden.com/2016/06/jesse-williams-bet-awards-speech/
Waters, K. (2016). A Journey from Willful Ignorance to Liberal Guilt to Black Feminist
Thought. Departures in Critical Qualitative Research, Vol. 5(3), Fall 2016; (pp.108-
115).
Weis, L., and M. Fine, (2004). Working Method: Research and Social Justice. New York:
Routledge.
Wikipedia - Welfare queen. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Welfare_queen#cite_note-experiment-
2 retrieved August 24, 2017
Wood, K. (2016). Cracking up time: Black feminist comedic performance and queer
temporalities in the standup of Wanda Sykes. Departures in Critical Qualitative
Research, Vol. 5(3), Fall 2016; (pp.10-32).
204