the appleton north NOCTILUCA Appleton, Wisconsin April 2014 Vol. XIX Issue VIII Wonder robots to be first West wondering used in the AASD if it can By Erik Bakken quirement to come to school at With the new technology all, as the HW-303 can easily referendum passed recently take your place in class. crash by the Appleton Area School Many other school districts district, many students may be world-wide are looking at uti- wondering what new technol- lizing this new technology by at North ogy will be offered to them. next year, but are waiting to see By Sam Allen It is known that other school the results of these brilliant ro- districts have employed the use bots being used in the AASD. Stating that it was “really of iPads and laptops, but the These multitasking robots may behind on a few things” and AASD will be receiving some- even be approved for usage on “kind of between places right thing very different that has standardized tests, such as the now,” on April 1 the entire stu- never been done before. ACT and SAT. This will hope- dent body of West High School The AASD will receive fully boost student participa- asked if it could crash at North HW-303 robots. These interest- tion in standardized testing. It for a while. ing technological innovations will definitely increase the na- “We could really just use a are the brainchildren of bil- tional mean scores. solid, man,” said all of West’s lionaire entrepreneur, Mr. Bill All eyes will be on the approximately 1,500 students Gates of Microsoft. AASD and its use of the won- in a phone conversation with “Essentially, these robots der robots as they are first put North’s Student Services of- will make life easier for your to use in a school setting next fice. “We’ll bring our own everyday student,” remarked year. stuff, keep the noise down – Gates in an interview with The HW-303 prototype on display at the Teacher’s “We really think this is you could just pretend we’re not even there.” CNN a few weeks ago. Society of America convention. These robots will be ground-breaking technology, These hardworking 22-inch and hope it can bring an end to During the conversation, seen everywhere in the hallways of the AASD. Olivier reported as “pretty awkward” robots have been designed to Douliery/Acaba Press/MCT the bothersome monotony of record lectures, take notes, and schoolwork,” added the tech- by North’s staff, West laid out even do nightly homework. rolling in the hallways. use. nology’s creator, Mr. Gates. a detailed plan for its accom- This is all to relieve stress of The decision was made “We still don’t know what These genius robots, pro- modations. “Look, I mean you the average student. The best amongst controversy by the the impact will be of these ma- vided by the AASD’s referen- have a nice big gymnasium thing the robots will bring to Teachers Society of America. chines. They can literally do all dum, may seem like a dream there,” said every West student. North? The AASD is the first The HW-303 project was ap- of the schoolwork that students of the far future, but in only “That could take care of at least place that these robots will be proved by an extremely slim would usually be forced to do,” five months’ time you may 600 kids – I mean, if you’re put into action. margin, with the caveat that it remarked 84 year-old Edith find yourself sitting at home on cool with us staying and all.” On the first day of school would need to be tested in a Franklesenz of the Teachers the first day of school with an The rest could figure some- next year we can expect to see small school community before Society of America. In fact, amazing Android taking your thing out, no problem,” West these high-tech innovations it could be put to widespread next year it may not be a re- place at North. continued. “Got any spare practice rooms? And with the play over, you’re not really us- ing the theater anymore, are Stairways to be replaced with slides next year you? We were just thinking By Nora Ptacek from all across Wisconsin and that, you know, helping you out The world is changing, edu- the surrounding area together with Renaissance and all…” cation is changing and Apple- to hear keynote speaker Ron After a lengthy explana- ton North is keeping up with Clark (of the Ron Clark Acad- tion of the bind it found itself these changes. Appleton North emy). in and the past favors it did for High School has volunteered to The Ron Clark Academy is North, West was relieved when be the first school in the district currently one of the most in- Mr. Huggins finally agreed to to install slides from the first novative schools in the nation. the stay, but “Just this once, all floor down to the second floor. The most noticeable innova- right?” Within a few minutes, This may seem silly and tion of this school is a giant on the evening of April 1 buses completely fake, but this is one blue slide that runs from the began arriving at North’s Bal- of the most innovative things to second to first floor. This slide lard entrance to drop off scores happen in the city of Appleton. is for students, staff, and any- of weary students armed with Administrators planned on re- one who wants to use it. hot plates, bags of ramen noo- leasing the news of this project It’s innovative, it’s new, and dles and overnight gear. in April via the reliable source it’s getting students engaged. As Spring Break was com- An example of the slide that has inspired the coming ing to an end, it became clear of news, The Noctiluca. The slide is a fun and fast way North slide. Students can expect to be able to use the The idea for the slide proj- to get to class. It adds character that West had to go. Pleas to slides during the 2015 school year. Photo from USA.gov ect actually came from an ‘in- to the school and brightens the North administration, such as novation in education’ confer- days of its users. massive spiral wrapping and 2015. If you’re struggling to “Just a couple more days” or ence hosted at the Radisson That’s exactly what the goal twirling around the main stair- get through school without “Come on, chill out Mr. H” downtown. of implementing slides is at case. falling asleep, don’t worry be- were met with stern glances The Wisconsin Innova- North. The slide is planned to Construction on this inno- cause soon you’ll be able to from Mr. Huggins, who ordered tive School Network (WISN) be navy blue with gold stripes. vative addition to our school slide through the day like an See Allen, page 2 Conference brought teachers The shape is planned to be a will begin in the summer of eel! NEWS Appleton, Wisconsin April 2014 Volume XIX Issue VIII Page 2 Senior humiliates school with worst promposal ever Allen, West By Megha Uberoi her that my boyfriend took me wondering if it Prom, one of the biggest out to the nicest restaurant in events of senior year, is fast town and serenaded me with can crash approaching. One of the most a professional singing group. important aspects of prom is Then she just started crying.” at North, the effort and creativity you When the general student put into your prom proposal. body at Appleton North heard from page 1 In the past, people have gone about Brian’s shortcomings North’s 1,500 guests to gather full out and enlisted the help with his promposal, they all their belongings and pack up. of huge groups of people to were taken aback. West was then seen calling oth- ask that special someone to One sophomore, Jerome er schools in the Appleton area prom in as big of way as pos- Fisher, said, “Brian asked for a spare couch. “What’s up sible. Lisa to prom in the worst East,” West began, “Look man, “You go big or you go way. I just can’t look at him I have kind of a favor to ask. home,” said sophomore Sarah the same way, it’s embarass- Believe me, we’ve tried every- Deltour when asked about the ing to have someone so un- body else – FVL, Central and importance of the promposal. creative at this school. I hope all – but just hear me out…” So when senior Brian Hood no sophomores are consider- School eventually resumed, ing asking someone to prom and daily life at North nearly re- asked his girlfriend to prom in A screenshot of the infamous promposal sent to Lisa a totally uncreative, insulting that way.” turned to normal. But a peace- Collins by her boyfriend Brian Hood. The uncreativ- way people were absolutely Hood was surprised by the ful walk in the halls could be shocked. ness of this text message has embarassed most of intensity of his classmates’ interrupted at any moment as “I mean I guess I thought it North’s students and staff. Photo by Megha Uberoi reactions and how upset many stragglers were found and sent was totally obvious we were was a tad bit insulted to be All of Collins’ friends gave of them were. packing. Employees of Jack’s going together, so I didn’t feel honest. I mean he just sent a her their sympathy. Senior “Well I’ve definitely Cleaning were seen coaxing the need to go all out with the text message! You can’t Insta- Marlene Wright and Lisa’s learned my lesson here for West students out from the ceil- promposal,” Hood said. gram a text message that’d be best friend expressed their sure. This was probably one ing tiles. Staff continually held Hood asked his girlfriend too embarrassing! He didn’t extreme disappointment. of the biggest mistakes in my their ears to walls, catching the last weekend by texting her even bother to call. No flow- “I was just so shocked he life, that I’ve ever made. Well telltale sounds of movement. the question, “Hey we r going ers, chocolates, or puppies. I just texted her. Lisa was ab- maybe it wasn’t, I still have “It may be a few weeks be- to prom together k?” was especially disappointed solutely devastated her boy- to wait for responses from the fore we find the rest,” said Mr. Lisa Collins, senior and that there were no puppies in- friend could be so lame. It 20 other girls I sent the text Huggins. “For them, it’s a one- Brian’s girlfriend, said, “I volved.” didn’t help that I reminded to.” way ticket to Xavier.” ‘Basic’ stereotype slowly being driven out of Appleton North hallways

By Katherine Hackney bucks coffee. A new policy is being put This ban will hopefully into place by Appleton North’s help these individuals and administration. Due to the slowly bring them back to a overwhelming amount of fe- world of low maintenance males and a few males turning shoes that give you decent to basic forms of expression, support, reasonably priced the administration felt the beverages, and problems that need to put a ban on all yoga don’t revolve around what fil- pants, UGG brand boots, and any sort of product from Star- bucks. “My Daughter This policy will be put into hasn’t finished a practice during the next school sentence in weeks! year. Consequences for those She says ‘I can’t who do not abide by the new code include a temporary de- even’ at least four portment to Canada for three times a day! She months. can’t even what? A system has been devel- All products from Starbucks will be banned in school following the new restrictions What does she oped that allows for three on basicality. This is due to the basicness associated with Starbucks products. warnings if a student is seen Photo from usa.gov mean? What can’t with any of the items listed she do?” above, but after the third of- prove to be true and become a three months’ time in another What does she mean? What -Mrs. Janice fense, it’s off to Canada. positive influence on the stu- area surrounded by other sen- can’t she do?” Mexico was also seriously dent at North.” sible teens, Appleton North’s It seems that the problem Merriweather, considered as the dropzone Canada had briefly sug- students will hopefully lose is deeply rooted in the minds mother of Appleton for these basic creatures but gested an exchange program their desire to be basic and of these trend followers. A North student this was not the final decision of sorts, but Canadian parents realize why they were deport- respected psychoanalyst, Dr. since the weather there isn’t are slightly concerned with ed. Reed, has been undercover in suited for this particularly ba- how their children will be af- Mrs. Janice Merriweather, our school since the trend sur- ter to use for food photos on sic attire. Also it is more cost- fected if they were to leave a mother of a student at Ap- faced in early 2013. Instagram. effective to transport teens off the country for months at a pleton North impacted by the She gained the trust of one The future will be dim for to Canada rather than fly them time. basicness of her daughter sup- group of females in particular these basic students unless all the way to Mexico. While in Canada the North ports the plan and said, “My and after a year of careful in- they change their ways since An inspiring proposal by teens will still be expected to daughter spends up to $1,000 filtration learned that anyone there aren’t many respect- Harold Witherspoon swayed go to school and follow the a week at that overpriced cof- can be a photographer when able jobs that require exces- the general vote to Canada. restrictions on clothing. The fee shop. She hasn’t finished a there are filters and irrelevant sive knowledge on how to He suggested that “the kind of goals for the program as out- sentence in weeks! She says ‘I quotes you can add to pic- spend your parent’s money in non-basic stereotypes associ- lined by administration state can’t even’ at least four times tures. Her work also exposed the most pointless way pos- ated with Canada’s teens may that, hopefully by spending a day! She can’t even what? the addicting effects of Star- sible. Opinions Appleton, Wisconsin April 2014 Volume XIX Issue VIII Page 3 Noctiluca Editorial Sir David Attenborough keeps making nature documentary at North

Shouts of “Fascinating!” male, seeking filmmaker is One North student shrieked one student. “A show about and “Indeed!” can be heard refreshment proving to be a in horror after discovering her geriatric sloths would be more throughout North’s halls as after a long major distrac- locker filled with raw meat, interesting. At least between naturalist Sir David Attenbor- day’s studies, tion to North bait for a species of endan- the eating and the sleeping, ough continues work on his quenches his staff and stu- gered marsupial. they probably get some action newest documentary, “The thirst at the dents. Visitors “We don’t know who let once in a while.” Natural North.” nearest water- to Mr. Salm’s him in, and frankly we don’t It is time to tell Sir Atten- The famous Briton is often ing hole’ or room are of- know how to get him out,” borough that we are not wild seen looming over students something stu- ten put-off by said Mr. Huggins. “When animals. We do not have a who would much rather be pid like that.” a camouflaged people tell him to leave, he natural environment or do left alone, with camera crews “I’m not a tent in the cor- blows it off as ‘a marvelous interesting things and that is ready to follow students from freaking wil- ner, camera example of territorial instinct’ just the way we like it. class to class during passing debeest,” he lenses protrud- or whatever. This needs to end So the next time you see time. added deject- ing from the now.” him taking notes amidst a “I was just trying to get edly. mossy exterior In addition to their animos- throng of freshmen or set- a drink of water, and there While Sir Sir David Attenborough and shouts of ity, most North students do ting up Trailcams by the main came Attenborough again!” Attenborough won’t leave students “Ah yes, re- not feel interesting enough to stairwell, bar your teeth, beat said irate North student Otis undoubtedly alone. Photo illustration by markable!” be filmed. your chest and howl at the top Thompson. “Then he said means well, Sam Allen. emanating “A documentary with me in of your lungs to clearly indi- something like, ‘a young the renowned from within. it would be so boring,” said cate your disapproval. Students beware: monstrosity terrorizing North’s pond-goers By Erik Bakken to provide safety for students at North, but the mammal has For most North students, the become increasingly threaten- pond near the school is simply ing, preventing biologists from a nice natural additive to the containing the area. The NISC school campus: a pleasant wa- has set strict guidelines to keep tery area for any wildlife that students at North as safe as happens to amble on by. But possible. this wet sanctuary has been “We are simply advising discovered to be anything but The giant water squirrel reportedly escaped from a truck. Photo illustration by Sam Allen. that students and staff stay as safe. far away from the entire North Just this week, a report re- Pauline McDowell, a wildlife often emerged and curled up first place. campus as possible as the Tri- leased by the National Inva- biologist for the NISC. “It re- in a ball to attract crows that Investigations by the FBI psylonius Sciuridae may be sive Species Council (NISC) ally doesn’t look dangerous, may think it’s an injured and have recently found a hybrid hungry,” McDowell said. has discovered a threatening but that’s how it catches its easy piece of prey. But once animal cartel that has a location Something must be done new species to the Fox Cities: prey.” the crows land near, the Sci- 5 miles east of Appleton North. about this monstrosity. Most the Tripsylonius Sciuridae, es- Interestingly enough, the uridae changes up the game by It is widely believed that this of the teachers have already sentially a giant squirrel and giant water squirrel, which is pouncing on and swallowing dangerous new species either “relocated” their classes to beaver hybrid that has made a hybrid of two herbivores, the observers whole and then fell out of a truck on the road to various vacation locales in its home in the pond adjacent is a dangerous killer that will retreating to its den beneath a new location, or managed to Oahu, Hawaii where most les- to North. eat practically anything that the dock. subdue its driver, promptly de- sons will be held until North’s “It was such a surprise when moves. With such a dangerous and ciding that North’s pond would giant squirrel problem can be we found the animal, as the last Since its discovery in March unique creature so close to be a suitable home. brought under control in the known sighting of the mon- of this year the beast has been North, students may be won- The NISC has attempted to upcoming months. Students strosity was in 1521,” says Dr. generally reclusive, but has dering how it got there in the quarantine the area in order beware. Governor Walker shocks Wisconsin with State Mascot change By Nora Ptacek Q: Can you describe the text er’s interpretation of the oddly cans currently hold the house you read? titled book dubious, it seems and senate majority in our Late last night Governor that Walker’s spirit animal, state government and it was Scott Walker signed a mandate A: Sure. It was a book titled the “profit bringing” weasel, passed in a closed session late that changed the state mascot Weaselism by David H. Koch is our next state mascot. at night. to the weasel. Wisconsinites it discussed the symbolic in- Does Walker really believe expressed dismay upon hear- terpretation of the weasel. the weasel symbolizes profit ing the news noting that the “You may soon be and omnipotence? In modern so-called Badger State would Q: And what is that inter- wearing shirts read- culture the weasel is associ- not so easily be displaced. pretation? ated with the characteristic sly In addressing the concerns, ing, ‘I’m a Wisconsin or a sneaky person. Perhaps Walker shared with voters a A: “I’m glad you asked.” Weasel.’” he took compliment in the fa- dream he had while napping at (The Governor proceeds to miliar protest chant “Walker his desk. Here is the text from pull out a slip of paper, then is a weasel not a Badger.” an interview we conducted: read aloud.) For those wondering if it You may soon be wearing “The weasel symbolizes is legal for the Governor to shirts reading, “I’m a Wiscon- Q: What prompted the omnipotence or power. It is Get ready to show your change the mascot with a sin Weasel.” If this is not who change of the state mascot to also said to bring great busi- weasel pride! Photo illustra- quick signature, it is indeed you are, if you are not proud the weasel? ness and material profit. By tion by Sam Allen. possible. Walker had ap- to be a weasel, take it up with changing the state mascot I really identify with the weasel proached Senator Mike Ellis Governor Walker. A: It was something I read think we can really improve in a recent test I discovered (R-Neenah) who agreed to Unless, of course, he takes recently. Wisconsin’s economy. Before that it is my spirit animal.” propose a bill virtually secur- away your rights to negotiate we go I must also add that I While some may find Walk- ing the change. The Republi- as well. Opinions Appleton, Wisconsin April 2014 Volume XIX Issue VIII Page 4 Let your voice Budget cuts eliminate North bathrooms be heard By Brian Prestley ties and potential educational In a recent poll of students ing separate classes within the The Noctiluca staff gra- achievement severely harmed. carefully selected to achieve same classroom. ciously accepts any letters to Facing yet another round of If the restrooms are simply the desired results, 76 percent The numerous restrooms the editor which will be pub- devastating potential budget closed, students will know not of participants admitted to per- should provide ample room for lished as space allows. Please cuts, the school board unani- to even ask in the first place, forming an act of vandalism, these teachers. limit submissions to no more mously decided that, begin- and there is no chance of softer and 89 percent admitted to The greatest aspect of this than 250 words. Anonymous ning with the 2014-2015 teachers giving in. If a student having purchased or sold drugs situation is that the adminis- submissions will not be print- tration will effectively turn a ed and all writing is subject to school year, all restrooms in all editing via our policy state- AASD facilities will be closed potential deficit into guaran- ment below. All letters to the and converted to educational teed new resources. Instead of editor can be dropped off in space. Both students and staff the usual practice of reacting the designated folder on the are being asked to take care of rashly to an existing cut, the door of the Publications Lab their personal needs at home. administration has decided to at the south end of the LMC, For many reasons, I believe be proactive, making changes or e-mailed to Mr. Ramponi, this will be highly effective. Regrettably, budget cuts also removed the funding that may not even be neces- the staff advisor, at: ram- For starters, it will teach necessary for this picture. Photo from usa.gov. sary. However, for the afore- [email protected]. children of all ages to control mentioned reasons, I think this themselves. Too many times, has failed to plan ahead, there in the restrooms. By removing decision is splendid regardless. Noctiluca Mission students fail to plan their are literally no options, and access to this type of free-for- Though I am sure I am al- Statement needs ahead of time, creating he or she will learn the lesson all space, I think the adminis- ready in the majority, I would To publish news, informa- quickly. tration will make a large dent like to reiterate that I think this tion, entertainment and opin- classroom disruptions. While ion articles about students, teachers may decline a stu- Secondly, by decommis- in these problems. decision is a breath of fresh air, faculty and administration dent’s request to use the rest- sioning these spaces as re- Finally, by turning the rest- both figuratively and literally. activities, interests and poli- room, the request itself is still strooms, there will be fewer rooms into new educational In today’s world of spine- cies. Our goal is to main- a disruption, and the student unmonitored spaces for the space, one of the largest prob- less teaching and disciplinary tain high ethical standards may end up getting his or her usual antics. Vandalism, illicit lems affecting our educational methods, this desire for stu- and provide a public forum way anyway. dealings, and inappropriate system will be resolved, which dents to take responsibility for for free and responsible ex- By giving students the im- conduct are easier to control in is a lack of space. There have their actions is nothing short of pression of student views. pression that something is the presence of video surveil- been several confirmed re- remarkable, especially since it The newspaper strives for more important than class- lance, which is unfortunately ports of upwards of five or six will save money and provide a high level of competency not allowed in restrooms. teachers simultaneously teach- new educational opportunities. and welcomes diversity of room education, their priori- scope, depth and breadth of coverage in order to heighten mutual understanding and Ask Annie awareness through our entire Editorial Staff school community. By Sam Allen adjective that makes people Monica Stoeger...... Senior Editor-In-Chief go “Wow, I certainly wasn’t Maya Murzello...... Junior Editor-In-Chief Noctiluca Dear Annie: When I left expecting an adjective like Megha Uberoi...... News Editor Policy Statement my hotel last night, I took that paired with that particular Sam Allen...... Opinions Editor Published nine times per year, the room’s tiny shampoo thing!” Be sure to talk about Elise Painton...... Features Editor the student newspaper of Ap- bottle and bar soap with these ‘bands’ before anyone Caroline Augustine...... Culture Editor pleton North High School is me. It felt kind of wrong to asks about them. Examples: Julia Lammers...... Centerspread Editor a public forum in which its keep them, but was that an Fruit Fly Lucid, Celery Atom- Miller Jozwiak...... Sports Editor student editorial board makes Elizabeth Floodstrand...... Photography Editor decisions regarding its con- alright thing to do? ic, or Granite Askew. -Jane Janeson Arpita Wahal...... Copy Editor tents. Mr. Ramponi...... Advisor Unsigned editorials ex- Dear Annie: I’m under so press the views of the ma- Answer: much stress from school and jority of the editorial board. No. You are a bad person. family that I feel like I’m go- Contributors Letters to the editor are wel- I ought to call the police ing to burst. What should I comed and will be published on you and graffiti poorly- do? as space allows. spelled threats on your house. -Jane Janeson Sam Allen Katherine Hackney Letters must be signed, What you just did is consid- although the staff may with- ered deviant behavior, behav- Answer: Caroline Augustine Miller Jozwiak hold the name in certain cir- ior that no honest hotel-goer Look, lady, I got 99 prob- Erik Bakken Julia Lammers cumstances. Kate Bennett Elise Painton The paper reserves the would ever even think of. lems and you don’t see me right to edit letters for gram- Go march yourself back to running off complaining to Rachel Brosman Brian Prestley mar and clarity, and all letters the hotel, apologize for your you. Sheesh. Kenny Cyracus Nora Ptacek are subject to laws governing thievery, and return your half- Abigail Davies Monica Stoeger obscenity, libel, privacy, and used shampoo and hair-en- Dear Annie: How do I get Becca Finger Megha Uberoi disruption of the school pro- crusted bar soap. Thank your guys to notice me? Alexandria Floodstrand Ben Williams cess, as are all contents of the lucky stars if they don’t press -Another person named paper. charges. Annie Opinions in letters are The Noctiluca is also available online. not necessarily those of the staff, nor should any opinion Dear Annie: My music Answer: Visit us at www.aasd.k12.wi.us/north. expressed in a public forum choice isn’t obscure enough. ‘Now, firs' thing yeh gotta be construed as the opinion or What should I do? know abou' guys is, they're policy of the Appleton North -John J. Hipster proud. Easily offended, guys High School administration, are. Don't never insult one, unless so attributed. Answer: 'cause it might be the last The Noctiluca reserves Make it up. thing yeh do. Yeh always wait the right to publish content in Let’s be honest – people fer the guy ter make the firs' both print and online format. stock their playlists with ob- move. It's polite, see? Yeh scure music just so they can walk towards him, and yeh Contact Information Appleton North High School talk about it. Why go through bow, an' yeh wait. If he bows 5000 N. Ballard Road the hassle of actually listen- back, yeh're allowed to touch Appleton, WI 54913 ing? Simply take the name him. If he doesn' bow, then Phone: (920) 832-4300 of an animal, vegetable or get away from him sharpish, mineral, and pair it with an 'cause those talons hurt.’ FEATURES Appleton , Wisconsin April 2014 Vol. XIX Issue VIII Page 5 Student Spotlights ‘Rodney’ candy in the makings By Alexandria Floodstrand and Abigail Davies By Monica Stoeger ing my entire life for an event One week ago, the Her- like this to happen. I’ve been shey Company announced its a fan of Rodney for years, and newest specialty candy—the when I received that survey, I Rodney Jolly Rancher. made sure to show my com- The process of creating plete support. I did such a good this one-of-a-kind edition of job that the Hershey Company the Jolly Rancher started two has invited me to the unveil- Hershey Candy Compa- years ago after Hershey’s ing of the candy in June,”said read the “Psychic Rodney ny’s “Chocolate World” is Chipper Shepherd, a senior at amazes with his candy choos- located in Hershey, Penn- North. ing skills” article in the April sylvania. Unveiling of the Along with the sale of the 2012 issue of the Noctiluca. candy will take place at Rodney Jolly Ranchers, buy- Name: Jared Diamond Name: Stuart Since then, the company has Appleton North in June. ers will also have the opportu- Grade: Senior Grade: Junior kept its eye on Rodney and nity to win one of many Rod- Hobbies: Traveling to New Occupation: Minion/ his superior accomplish- secret survey conducted from ney fanny packs. Other prizes Guinea, writing books about Henchman ments. Facebook’s “Appleton North include extendable hand grab- human evolution and society, Favorite Food: Banana “Over the past two years, Student Section 2013-2014” bers and maroon shirts. enjoying time with his chil- Favorite Activity: Playing I’ve been keeping track of group, the company found that “Rodney is excited about dren video games the amount Rodney has spent 98 percent of students support this opportunity. It definitely Favorite High School Teach- Favorite Girl: Lucy Wilde on purchasing Jolly Ranch- the idea. shows his love for Jolly Ranch- er: Mr. Hermansen Favorite Paint Color: Purple ers and the total has been When the Noctiluca ques- ers,” Rodney said. “While the Favorite Award received: over $250,000. His support tioned the 2 percent not in fa- students get free education, 1998 Pulitzer Prize has been incredible,” said vor about the reason for their Rodney gets free candy.” Favorite Book Written: Joy Farmers, a private inves- disapproval, they responded A celebratory event will oc- Guns, Germs, and Steel tigator hired by the Hershey with “no comment.” cur on June 5, 2014, at 6 p.m. Favorite Places: California, Company to record Rodney’s However, an anonymous in North’s gymnasium. Seniors New Guinea purchases when shopping. source reports that one major are especially encouraged to Occupation: Professor at The Hershey Company issue is discomfort associated attend, and the Appleton North University of California Los contacted North students with Rodney’s consistent use Wind Symphony has accepted Angeles, author about the Rodney Jolly of the third person. Hershey’s proposal to perform Rancher as well. Through a “Personally, I’ve been wait- “Of Pomp and Circumstance.”

North’s Nightclub Club turns things up By Sam Allen full” are given by the bouncer, James Huggins. “I don’t know Name: Cookie Monster Ms. Tiffany. why people go and turn it up Grade: Freshman Seeking to “Spice things Students routinely skip their in LNC when they could have Favorite Food: COOOKIES up” around the otherwise 2nd hour classes to beat the just as good a time practicing Favorite TV Show: Sesame mild-mannered student body, queue of 1,600 others lining up the North Nine.” Street enterprising North teacher to go clubbing during Home- Club liaison Mrs. Blaker Favorite color: Blue Robertla Blaker has converted room. took a different perspective. Name: Felonius Gru Favorite Hobby: Eating North’s LMC into a branch of “The ominous red stains “In my PFM class I teach kids Grade: Sophomore COOKIES Luna Nightclub. and broken glass in front of the how to be responsible for their Favorite Color: Blue Favorite Song: “C is for “There came a point when LNC can be pretty unnerving,” own finances. Sooner or later, Occupation: Supervillain Cookie.” By Cookie Monster my job as teacher was inter- said one student. “And it’s hard they’ll need to know how to (formerly), Jelly Manufac- Favorite Album: Favorites fering too much with my par- to keep my cool with Ms. Tif- make it rain like adults.” turer (formerly), Anti-Villain from Jim Henson’s Muppets tying,” said Mrs. Blaker, the fany’s mirrored sunglasses The LNC has become League correspondent (cur- Favorite Phrase: “OMM- staff liaison to the new club. glaring back at me. I haven’t known as a haven for truant rently) nom-nom-nom...” “So I just thought, ‘why not gotten in yet, but when I do I’m students and ruffians. Favorite phrase: “Light bulb” combine the two?’” gonna tear the roof off.” “I’m not going to lie, if you Favorite Hobby: Dancing Only the most popular After full pat-downs and take a right at the main stair- Favorite Toy: Freeze Ray and well-connected clubbers cavity searches, students are case you don’t want to be go- Goals: Go to the moon twice make it past the red velvet led into the undulating lights of ing alone,” said a weary North in one day ropes of the Luna Nightclub the LNC’s interior. student. “One time I left my Center (LNC), and more often The books, computers, backpack in the tech center, than not calls of “Sorry, club’s and artwork that previously and two minutes later I found it adorned the library have been jacked up on cinder blocks and converted to dance areas, nuggetted.” Me and My Walrus Boyfriend strobe lights, or velvet ropes. The club’s most vocal op- By Lauren Sassi The island in the center, for- ponents claim the LNC is turn- merly the location of printers ing out like Luna’s downtown and media specialists, is now location. Former members of a bar filled with students of all Chess Club and the Noctiluca types. have dispersed into roving Despite critical consensus gangs as the LNC drew away that the LNC’s raves are “off membership, and contraband the hook yo,” the club is not chocolate has reportedly been without its detractors. sold to fund various trips. “According to a newly re- When Ms. Blaker was asked leased Gallup poll, 68 percent about these allegations, she had of North teachers have left their already joined a massive rave classes to go clubbing, leaving that had just formed. A faint their students to watch movies, “YOLO!” could be heard in the at best,” said North Principal distance. Noctiluca study finds no one reads the school paper Not even this sentence will be read

By Julia Lammers and Kate Bennett, not that it matters

Culture editor Caroline According to a breakthrough Augustine appears to new study, only five percent of have fallen asleep while the Appleton North student reading her own sec- body reads the student news- tion. We do not blame paper, the Noctiluca. Of that her. Photo by the ghost of five percent, one hundred per- the Pub Lab cent are the editors of the pa- per. “I think this is great news,” said news editor Megha Uber- oi. “Wait, what are we talking about?” The survey asked students if Stat shot they read the Noctiluca and a few other questions. The ma- By Julia Lammers Why are we reading the school paper? jority of the questions could 25 not be answered because the student body was not aware 20 that such a newspaper existed. “When I got the survey, I 15 Seniors Juniors was confused,” said culture 10 Sophomore editor, Caroline Augustine. “I Freshman thought to myself ‘We have 5 Teachers a school newspaper? That’s funny. I wonder why it exists.”

0 Hididng our I did not know I Because it is For street cred Sam Allen phone behind was reading it reading time “I love the the paper Noctiluca.”-Riley Sullivan What are we doing with our newspaper?

The club that produces Paper hat the newspaper meets during Fire starter Thursday homeroom. Drying our tears “I’ve been coming to these meetings during homeroom, Litter box but I wasn’t quite sure what What is a Noctiluca? they were for. Honestly, came Editor-at-large Sam Allen briefly questions his journalistic integrity before going for the candy, until they took ahead and publishing something completely untrue. Notice the doughnut he is that away thanks to the nutri- consuming, bought with club funds. Photo by Julia Lammers. tion policy. It turns out that I am a member of the school Who is reading the newspaper? newspaper! I was shocked,” said contributor, Kate Bennett. anonymous freshman said. Kevin the Janitor Approximately 89 percent In an unrelated freak ac-

Appleton North student body of students surveyed say the cident, this student failed to Noctiluca contains too many show up for school the next Appleton East student body too many statistics. day. In reality, it contains no sta- The writers of the articles You tistics at all because the writers could really make up whatever and editors make them all up. they want to, and just put it Me “When I need to fill some right in the paper. For example, I could put 0 5 10 15 20 25 30 35 40 space and add some infor- mation, I just close my eyes, something in first person, which you are not supposed to make up a number and put it Which section are we reading? in there,” said Uberoi. “No one do, and no one would notice, notices. Sometimes it comes because you will not even read out super crazy.” the title of this. News An additional survey re- In fact, I might as well just Opinions vealed that some students sim- make up some more facts, just Features ply dislike the articles them- for fun. selves. Did you know that the Centerspread “I really don’t care for the meaning of life can be found at Culture Noctiluca very much, espe- the bottom of this paragraph? Sports cially the centerspread,” an Who knew?

Sam Allen’s mom Noctiluca study finds no one reads the school paper Not even this sentence will be read

This bag of trail mix hangs on the Pub Lab ceiling. No one knows why, how or when it was thumb- tacked there. Pho- to by Julia Lammers.

Sports editor Miller Jozwiak stuffs past issues in the ceiling to prevent their explosive material from getting out into the public again. Also, there are secret passageways above the tiles, but you did not read that here. Photo by Julia Lammers.

Senior Dan Brumm is the only person to ever read the newspaper. He may have been pretending. Photo by Julia Lammers.

Editor-at-large Sam Allen briefly questions his journalistic integrity before going Sports editor Miller Jozwiak at- ahead and publishing something completely untrue. Notice the doughnut he is tempts to flush a few newspapers consuming, bought with club funds. Photo by Julia Lammers. down the toilet. Do not try this at home, it will most likely clog the toi- let. Photo by Sam Allen. not, the Noctiluca is talked “I can’t wait for the about in high regard. “I can’t wait for the new is- new issue to come sue to come out,” said No One out.” - No One Ever Ever. The school paper aims to in- form the Appleton North stu- Another fun fact: if you hop dent body on issues regarding on one leg while eating purple their school. It also attempts to marshmallow Peeps, you will force them to care about topics turn into a magical rabbit. that they really have no inter- We should probably get est in, such as other students back on task pretty soon, but and school news. ????? if you find a mistake you may. “Maybe if the students who write for the paper wrote more There are some parts of the The editors of Noctiluca examine sto- school paper that the populace about things I cared about, like ries from every angle. Only the best enjoys. the daily gossip amongst other This mysterious object is known “I really like the part where I things, I would read the paper as the Noctiluca. It is produced journalism makes it into the paper, un- find out about the kind of mu- once in a while,” said Stuart by the student body and read less it does not. Photo by Julia Lammers. sic people I don’t know like,” Bultman, a junior. “But for by no one. Photo illustration by Ju- said Jack Swegart. now, I’ll stick to making paper lia Lammers. However, more often than hats out of my Noctiluca.” FEATURES Appleton, Wisconsin April 2014 Vol. XIX Issue VIII Page 8 Stars align as snow melts Poetry Corner By Julia Lammers 4. A gathering of teens will occur the first weekend of May. At three a.m., while tend- This requires a date. Unfortu- ing my non-GMO, gluten-free, nately, I have deciphered that wheat-free nocturnal radishes, the stars find you extremely I noticed something peculiar repulsive, as does the opposite about the way that Venus was sex. To force a fellow Homo Juice moving in the sky. A closer sapiens to go with you, a love By Snoop Dogg look revealed to me that this potion is required. The stars With so much drama in the L-B-C was not Venus at all, but Nep- also advise you stop dressing It’s kinda hard bein Snoop D-O-double-G tune! I fled quickly to my crys- the way you do. You are not But I, somehow, some way tal ball to consult the other fooling anyone with that “ca- Keep comin’ up with funky sass stuff like every single day side. After burning some hair sual” look. It only comes off as Julia Lammers is the May I, kick a little something for the G’s (yeah) of naked mole rats and eye- lazy. Noctiluca’s resident as- and, make a few ends as (yeah!) I breeze, through balls of eel, the stars revealed 5. Stay away from purple trologer. Her predictions Two in the mornin’ and the party’s still jumpin’ to me monumentally great and pens, red jackets and people are sometimes true, but ’cause my momma ain’t home important things for the future without personalities. All are only because these are I got girls in the living room reading a book and the past and quite possibly dangerous to your health. and, they ain’t leavin til six in the mornin’ (six in the mornin’) the present. I will share them sure events. Photo by a 6. Beginning next week, Ju- So what you wanna do, darrrrrnnn here with you today: spirit from her past. piter will move into the Eighth I got a pocket full of pennies and my homeboys do too 1. A bright time is coming standards yet again, maybe you Dimension and you will lose But (but what) we don’t love them cats, yeah! for most every student at Ap- can catch a garbage-eating carp someone very dear to your So we gonna do some homework pleton North. As Pluto, moves from the fish in the sea. heart. There is no hope any- G’s up, hands down, while you great people bounce to this into the Third Dimension, it 3. As the Receptive Signs more; the stars have spoken. brings warm days and balmy begin to align themselves with Also, nuclear war is inevitable nights. Although the past few the Equator, many students will at this point so you might as months have long afflicted us begin their quest for the number well give up now. with icy days and frigid nights, five. The crystals have shown 7. The Progression of the we shall soon be liberated from that study books will be bought Polarity of Uranus tells me Interested in writing for the the grasp of Winter. and knowledge crammed into that you have not read the cen- Features section in the 2. The girl you like does not heads. However, the Lunar terspread of this newspaper. A want to go to prom with you. Node reveals that nothing can “freak accident” is in your fu- Noctiluca? Contact Elise I did not need to consult the make up for a year of sleep- ture if you continue to consider charts to figure this one out. ing and flirting in whatever AP yourself above the journalistic Painton via Facebook. However, if you lower your class you chose to take. wisdom of Noctiluca. CULTURE Appleton, Wisconsin April 2014 Vol. XIX Issue VIII Page 9 Take Celebrity Styles into Daily Life By Rachel Brosman since the takeoff of Phar- about what anyone thinks. Down the red carpet, in rell’s career. The famed hat of The more ridiculous, the bet- concert, or in their everyday Pharrell is the perfect piece to ter. lives, celebrities inspire us add to your wardrobe. Its rich You’re a fan of the Biebs? through their personal style. khaki color and curved shape Try wearing a jail uniform, Usually we consider their en- will flatter anyone. since that’s where he’s at late- sembles to be too expensive Be careful though, its out- ly (if bright orange is flatter- or just far too exotic. rageously massive size may ing on you). However, there is no style hinder your balance. Cause Soon enough, the hallways law that says we can’t take who wouldn’t want to look of Appleton North are sure to their famed fashion into our like the “happy” superstar? look like the red carpet. everyday lives. In reality, we can pull off Double Buns or Go Home whatever styles we want Celebrities not only inspire our wardrobe, but our beauty Smokey the Bear follows Pharell’s fashion example. choices. Hairstyles are the He has been spotted with this trendy hat while pre- cherry on top of your starlet venting forest fires. Photo by usa.gov emulated look. The bun, or topknot, is a to (even if we may feel the look to another level. Appear- simple understated way to get judgement from our peers). ing to be encrusted in tar, the your hair out of your face. Take a cue from Lorde, Phar- tip of each finger was covered Instead of pulling your rell, and your other favorite in black, not just the nail. With locks back into a single bun, celebrities to influence your no skill needed to achieve this follow your favorite twerker, everyday trends for rocking beauty statement, Lorde’s Miley Cyrus, and rock some the hallways. look is a unique concept. double buns. This could be copied by If you’re feeling like a 5 Nail Art or Finger Art? dipping each finger directly -year-old with mom-styled Justin Bieber’s clothing At her recent Grammy per- into nail polish, sticking it hair, you’re not doing it right! Miley Cyrus shows off her choices are so bold they formance, Lorde displayed into a mascara bottle, or even Smack dab on the top of famous double buns at should be illegal. This is her nail art with her edgy by busting open some pen ink. your head, and you’ll be the MTV music awards. style amidst her breathtaking constantly sticking out your a popular look amongst These had a vital role in vocals. Hats: The Bigger the Better tongue before you know it. her performance. inmates. Instead of the usual black A giant spark has been set Follow your favorite ce- Photo from usa.gov Photo by Nancy Kaszerman/ nail polish, she took the dark off in the accessories realm lebrity style, and don’t worry Zuma Press/MCT Based God starts new religion

By Ben Williams Myspace pages, aggres- tecting the environment to “Thank you Based God.”: sively releasing music and stopping the inequality be- It is a phrase many of you promoting it in every crev- tween genders that exists in have probably heard. May- ice of social media that he much of the country today. be you have seen it online. can find. He routinely reminds his You might even have heard His revolutionary brand fans that he loves not only it at school. But who is the of marketing succeeded, them, but that he loves the Based God? Why are we and he garnered himself a world, and this uncondi- thanking him? What does it niche, but still quite large tional acceptance has made even mean to be Based? audience. many people look up to him Rewind a few years, This is where the Based as a role model, sometimes all the way back to 2006. God comes in. Lil B real- even as a religious figure. Brandon McCartney, also ized that he was now in a So why do we thank the known as Lil B, resides position of influence, and Based God? We thank the in the dark underbelly of he knew that he had to use Based God because he Berkeley, California. De- Lil ‘B shows his charming smile.Those grills are al- this influence to better the represents the good in the spite being only 16, he has most as bright as his career. world, so he rebranded world. already had a stint in prison Photo sent from the heavens above himself as The Based God. We thank him because for armed robbery; he sells Being Based, as Lil B de- he thanks us for exist- cocaine to get by. The Vans Song, which will The Pack, and he goes solo. scribes it, is about spread- ing. We thank him be- He also raps with the Bay eventually be named as the This was not a simple feat ing love, positivity, and cause he is there for us Area rap group, The Pack, fifth best song of 2006 by however, and to achieve acceptance throughout the when no one else is. who are garnering quite a Rolling Stone Magazine. success as a solo artist, Lil world. Simply put, we thank bit of local attention after Seeing his newfound suc- B has to redefine the idea of On his Facebook, Twit- him because there is no releasing two mixtapes. cess as an opportunity to Internet marketing. ter, and Tumblr pages, he one more dedicated to the Brandon’s big break change his life, Lil B de- To find his initial fan often posts messages that spread of positivity and comes in the form of a sur- cides that he should expand base, Lil B creates, and encourage his followers to love than Lil B, the Based prise hit with The Pack, his musical career beyond personally runs over 150 do everything from pro- God. CULTURE Appleton, Wisconsin April 2014 Vol. XIX Issue VIII Page 10 Students say so long to the selfie By Caroline Augustine caught taking a picture of outlawing the word “selfie” Grab your phones and find yourself, don’t be surprised from one’s vocabulary. the perfect filter ladies and if your phone is confiscated, Everyone seems to be in gentlemen because the days all pictures are deleted, and support of the new change of selfies will be coming to your next birthday is can- including former President an end. After much delib- celed. These are the steps George W. Bush who even eration, Appleton North has we must take,” Huggins took time out of his paint- decided to officially put a said. ing career to advocate the ban to this front facing pho- The ban doesn’t stop sim- change. to frenzy. ply at the action itself, but “Banning the word as well The decision ultimately also the word. After Mir- will create no confusion. came into effect follow- iam-Webster Dictionary By wiping all evidence of ing an excessive pressuring crowned the word “selfie” this horrible addiction teens from local portrait photog- their new word of the year seem to possess from our raphers whose wallet-sized Juniors Julia Lammers and Isabel Edmonds take in 2013, local, state, and memory, we will be able to photo businesses have suf- a selfie. Many students will be found filling their federal governments alike create a safe and friendly fered dramatically since the phones with pictures of themselves in preparation came to the consensus that environment for all,” said emergence of the selfie. for the ban going into effect early May. the 1st Amendment in the freshman Oscar Brautigam. “This is killin’ me,” says Photo by Caroline Augustine Bill of Rights will alter “I can’t afford to see any Joe Smith, owner of Stock- one’s freedom of speech by more of my friends check Photos Photography. On into rehab because of this,” average, photographers ing many students devote Of course all the hours of he said. have seen a 56 percent drop hours to perfecting the self- training will have gone to Not all are very keen on in school photo sales ever ie, it is understandable why waste when the rule goes these changes, such as ju- since Instagram added the that is the case. From find- into affect on May 5th. nior Issey Edmonds. “First Mayfare filter to their cata- ing the right angle to pick- Monitoring the ban will let me take a selfie,” said log. ing the most flattering filter, be no small task, especially Issey prior to sharing her “Finally I told myself I it is no wonder why teens with the increase in technol- thoughts. “Honestly, it’s ri- would not let the ‘duck face’ are taking matters into their ogy in the upcoming school diculous. My selfie game put me out of business, so I own hands. year due to the referendum. is so strong, and I need the took my case straight to the “It is an art form,” says ju- “I know it won’t be easy, world to see that. This is op- superintendent himself,” nior Dhaivat Pandya. “Hav- but we figured the punish- pression,” she said. Smith said. ing someone else take pho- ment students would receive Dhaivat Pandya takes Whether you are all for Professional photogra- tos of me is a risk I’m not if caught taking a picture his final selfie. This is a this new regulation or com- phers seem to have become willing to take. I studied the would keep them in line,” bittersweet time for all. pletely against it, students obsolete when it comes to craft of selfies more than I says Appleton North Princi- Photo by Julia Lam- will need to learn to adapt to senior portraits. Consider- studied for the SAT.” pal Mr. Huggins. “If you are mers a life without #selfiesunday. The truth behind Vampire Weekend Recipe of the month: By Elise Painton Since the quirky indie band’s first album, much speculation Toast has been formed around the ac- tual humanistic qualities of the By Caroline Augustine members of Vampire Week- end. Breakfast is the most Ingredients: Not much about the actual important meal of the Bread childhood of any of the band day, so it is vital that the Directions: members has been seen by the meal is made to perfec- public and the noticeable ab- Place bread in toaster. tion. The art of making sence of human-like qualities Push down on button to se- cure heating mechanism turns has been noticed by fans. toast has been passed on. All are pretty pale, really down for generations, and has satisfied homo- Wait until toast pops up. pale enough to be vampires. It Lead singer Ezra Koenig performs at the Main Take toast. isn’t just a funny or cute name, Square festival in France. Those vampire fangs sapians since the dawn Eat toast. no, they actually are not hiding were being portrayed in broad daylight. of time. For that very the fact that they are really in Photo by Lefevre Sylvain/Asa-Pictures/Abaca Press/MCT reason one must learn Note: fact vampires. how to prepare this fine Serves one. More pieces of The first time they were sence of people-food ever tion that fans are believing we delicacy. toast can be made by placing asked if they were in fact vam- eaten before shows. Three of are actually vampires. It is with more bread in toaster. pires, the members of the band the four members are banned our deepest honesty that we tell simply laughed it off and called from blood-banks nationwide. you, yes, my friends, we are in it all a joke, even though this Drummer, Chris Tomson, has fact literally vampires.” has now been pushed aside even asked to have all garlic While this may come as a Not interested in writing for by their current claims. After removed from the premises of shock to many, it probably Culture section in the Noctiluca? a show at Lollapalooza Chile, music festivals the group has shouldn’t. The band apolo- Ezra Koenig, front man, was played. gized for any feelings hurt by Don’t contact Caroline seen stepping into a coffin to Last week, bassist Chris Baio their nocturnal ways and wish sleep all day. spoke out about the matter. “It everyone understands their Augustine via Facebook. Venues have noted the ab- has been brought to our atten- unhuman cravings for blood. SPORTS Appleton, Wisconsin April 2014 Vol. XIX Issue VIII Page 11 Football team has a new lineman By Becca Finger coaching squad is thrilled, declined to comment. Next fall as the proud the only problem that has The team is also excited and rude student section of arisen thus far has been to have Miller join them on Appleton North once again finding a jersey in a big the field. Junior Darien Ru- gathers under Friday night enough size to fit Miller. zzicone said, “I’m happy lights a new cheer will be Fortunately Mr. Salm was for him; the kid is a mam- heard from the screaming able to make arrangements moth on the d-line.” crowd: “It’s Miller time!” and a jersey has been spe- Miller will fill in the va- After copious begging cially ordered for the new cancy that senior Cole and pleading, school dean player; he will be wearing Salm is leaving behind and Rob Salm has finally suc- number 1,006. plans to carry on his legacy ceeded in convincing ju- In addition to joining the well. Miller will be playing nior Jeff Miller to commit team Miller has ran into a alongside Ruzzicone and to playing football next streak of luck lately. He re- junior Adam Larsen. year. portedly “found” the keys “With these huge boys “It was getting a bit ex- to a brand new Chevrolet back on d-line I don’t see cessive,” Miller said. Corvette in his locker one how we will ever be beat “I would get called down day, and also has been seen next year,” Ruzzicone said. during lunch almost every burning cash because he Everyone on the team is day even though he knew has so many “Benjamins.” excited for this new recruit, that I mainly wanted to When asked whether or and with Miller out there focus on my studies next not this activity may seem continually making game- year. But after he came suspicious to the Wisconsin winning plays and literally over to my house I finally Interscholastic Athletic As- carrying the team on his decided to join the dogs on sociation (WIAA) Miller back a perfect season will Jeff Miller after a Pop Warner game during which he d-line next year.” said, “What is the WIAA?” definitely be achievable for set the record for most touchdowns in a game with 9 Salm and the rest of the Appleton North football the football team next year. as a d-lineman. Photo from http://abidjan.usembassy.gov/ Post-Crescent reporter selected for new job at ESPN By Miller Jozwiak his Wednesday night In- account boasts All-American High School Local reporter Ricar- ternet broadcast “Varsity 1,711 followers. basketball game. do Arguello has left the Roundtable,” in which he Arguello was Arguello’s arrival has Post-Crescent to become interviews various varsity selected for been much anticipated by a member of the biggest athletes from around the the position everyone at ESPN. sports network on televi- area. at ESPN after “I am sure he would do sion: ESPN. In addition to his broad- Chris Berman well covering pro sports, After turning down Co- casting he works to gather and Gus John- but his high school sports lumbia, Northwestern and all scores of every event. son saw his reporting is so masterful it Mizzou, Arguello settled Fans of the Fox Valley As- “Varsity Round- would be a tragedy to have into his Alma-mater the sociation sports conference table” online. him cover anything else,” University of Wisconsin- will be hard pressed to find He will specif- Executive Producer Mark Milwaukee. He picked an event he does not attend. ically be cover- Gross said. Milwaukee for its stellar Arguello has worked up ing high school When asked to sum up academics and national a reputation locally. He is sports nation- his recent accomplishment, champion club water polo best known for his mono- Arguello’s twitter picture. He can ally. His writing Arguello said, “I am ex- team. tone voice and indepth re- be followed @PCRicardo. Photo will cover every- cited to work for ESPN and Arguello is the lead high porting. Fans of Arguello provided by Ricardo Arguello thing from the cover #hssusa. Hopefully school and professional are so numerous that he of the creation of his fake Under Armour All-Amer- one day I’ll eventually be- sports reporter for the Post- is twitter verified. Many twitter page @PCRicca- ican High School football come a screaming head on Crescent and is known for speculate this was a result rdo. Arguello’s real twitter game to the McDonald’s ESPN.” Disappointment of the Month: WIAA Ruling Golf tragedy “Whether As the earth enters the sec- said head girls varsity golf it’s play- ond quarter of its 2014 orbit coach Mr. Huenink, “They off foot- around the sun, this hemi- spend all off season prepar- ball game sphere is slowly being ex- ing to win a title and moth- placement, posed to the sun’s light. This er nature says ‘No golf for basketball means one thing: spring you!’” rules, or sports are here. Not all is bad news, how- golf they Each year as everything ever. This change in atmo- screw ev- outside comes alive, so does sphere has resulted in more erything the golf course. That is, each students trying out for the up.” year with the exception of team this season. Gambaro this one. Due to weather “I really enjoy the change. has been extremes this year, the Wis- It gives me the best chance playing consin Interscholastic Ath- to shoot 18,” said Nebraska golf his en- letic Association has moved native and golf expert Bry- tire life and mens’ golf indoors this year. ant Backman. has been Instead of playing regular on Senior captain Luke Gam- on varsity 18-hole courses for match- baro is less optimistic about since his es, the team will be playing the change. freshman Luke Gambaro is undeterred by the weather and will continue indoor putt-putt mini golf “This is the perfect exam- year. This is playing outdoors. He said this is his protest of the “idiots in Ste- matches. ple of the WIAA screwing the first and vens Point they call the WIAA.” Photo by Cole Salm “I really feel for the team,” up sports,” said Gambaro, likely last mini-golf season, but it makes the seniors’ last season a disappointment. SPORTS Appleton, Wisconsin April 2014 Vol. XIX Issue VIII Page 12 Ben Schaefer is the real Mr. Lightning By Miller Jozwiak the grid-iron. He was an avid and sports, it begs the ques- Ben Schaefer is a stand supporter of cross country, tion, why Xavier? up citizen, a man of God, a basketball, and water polo. “I am a Catholic, a man patriot, and a hard worker at In 2012 when the men’s of my faith. I had to go to Paradise Island. However, volleyball team won state Xavier. But it makes no dif- above all Schaefer is a sup- not only was Schaefer at ev- ference. My soul and my porter of Lightning athletics. ery playoff game, he drove thoughts are always with the He is a Xavier Hawk, but to Milwaukee for the tourna- Lightning,” he said. has the heart of a Lightning. ment. He enjoys all Light- Before becoming an avid Schaefer did not miss one ning co-curricular activities fan, Schaefer was a top JV Lightning football game this but said his favorite was center for the Hawks. When season, from kick off against the cheer and performance asked to join the varsity Fond du Lac to a question- teams. squad his sophomore year, able goal-line call against “They are so profes- he faced the choice of the Hudson. sional and graceful, it’s re- field or the stands. He picked “I bleed blue and gold. ally a thing of beauty,” said the stands, but it was no easy “This was my favorite game despite the loss,” Schaefer Have since I was born, and Schaefer, “I could never decision. Schaefer was being said, “I love black outs. They show unity and strength. will till the day I die.” Schae- wear sweatpants to games, it heavily recruited by multiple I put my all into that Kimberly black out.” In the picture fer said when asked why he would have been unprofes- D3 colleges. from left to right is Halle Giaimo, Ben Schaefer, Miller supports the Lightning. This sional and just embarrass- His Wissports page, a Jozwiak and Kiera Miller. Photo by Kiera Miller football season his presence ing.” Schaefer even made common Wisconsin recruit- Benjamin George Schae- school was built on, without in the student section was the trip to nationals in Flor- ing website, summed up his fer is the phantom of Apple- him the Lightning tradition pivotal to Lightning suc- ida to support the team. natural talent. It stated “Has ton North athletics. He is the of winning would be re- cess. Schaefer’s patented “The team did so well! masterful footwork, and is a twelfth man on the field, the duced to nothing. As a single “war-cry” rang out through Except Natalie Mologne fell vocal player. Lacks height, Air Bud of the court, and the tear somberly rolled down Paul Engen field all season, out of sync late in the perfor- weight, speed and talent.” angel in the outfield. his face, he made his last intimidating opponents and mance. But overall a great He declined to comment on Most of you have prob- comment to The Noctiluca, children alike. effort.” Schaefer said. With his football career saying its ably never met, seen or “I will do anything for this His benevolence for North such clear support of North just too “emotionally jerk- even heard of him. But Ben school -- our school. Forever athletes extends far beyond and appreciation for its clubs ing.” Schaefer is the mortar this and always.” March sports photos in review

Senior baseball star Connor Rolain has de-committed from the University of Illinois Chicago to pursue his “love for poetry and Student dean and head football coach Rob Salm has made a decision prose.” Rolain is a four year varsity starter but says he has re- on the new helmets for next season. After contemplating between blue cently become “infatuated with the beauty of love poems.” Photo and gold helmets Salm finally decided to go with no helmets, saying by Miller Jozwiak “this will put intimidation on our sideline.” Photo by Miller Jozwiak On the left is Jacquan McGraw, in the middle is Officer Nacho Enriquez, and on the right is his taser. Recently in a pick up basketball game Nacho mistakenly tased McGraw. Nacho thought McGraw was streaking across the court in an attempt to disrupt the game, but in actuality was playing in a shirts vs. skins game. Nacho has since made a public apology for the incident. McGraw responded by say- ing “Homie don’t play that. Tased and unphased,” then he yelled “I STILL HIT THE THREE.” Photos by Miller Jozwiak