The Elevatator Has Created the Posi- Tion of Paperboi, the Elevatator Has Learned

Home , Ari Berman, Shidduch crisis, Stern College for Women, Tefillin

he levatator TThe Freefalling E Student Newspaper of Yeshiva University

VOL. LXXXV WEDNESDAY, MARCH 17, 2020 PURIM ISSUE Greenberg Faces Opposition From Roshei Yeshiva as He Assumes Elevatator Paperboi Position By Bared Jenjy

In a purported effort to “offer jobs to those who need it,” The Elevatator has created the position of paperboi, The Elevatator has learned. The position was advertised on YU and Stern Confessions and YU Black Marketplace Facebook groups. The posts advertised the position with the line, “Have you always wanted to be a ‘lackey of The Elevatator?’ Well, now’s your chance!” YSU President Zachary

THE ELEVATATOR Lacky Zachy was cordially escorted out of the yeshiva when his sanity was Continued on Page 4 called into question after he began telling everyone in earshot that all of YU is an elaborate game built for generating enormous quantities of shtick. Throngs of Catholic Students YUConnects to Apply to YU After Learning Launch ‘Bachelor’ About Confessions Group Spin-off ‘The Bochur’ to Promote By A-nun-ymous One confession reflected the Shidduch Crisis A comprehensive cognitive dissonance many Catholic analysis of Yeshiva kosher reality show based University application students felt applying to YU: “Jesus, By Weib Lieber on “The Bachelor,” to be trends revealed that ap- forgive me for applying to Yeshiva titled “The Bochur.” The proximately 2,000 ap- In a radical move new show arrives later plicants will be enrolling University. to make the shidduch this spring thanks to a at YU this upcoming fall crisis even more of a generous 18-million- semester. However, un- statements — all of which aspiring Catholic Mary problem, the creators of dollar donation by the like previous years, more revealed that their rea- Lou (SSSB ‘23) from YUConnects, currently Azrieli Family and will than half of the appli- son for wanting to attend Dallas, Texas, detailed the third most popular be streamed on macslive. cants self-identified as YU was solely because her reason for choosing dating app at YU behind com with play-by-play “Devout Catholics.” of its robust and active YU. “Confessions have The Shuttle App and commentary by Maciva The Elevatator illegally Facebook Confessions YUZmanim, have an- Papers. obtained the Catholic group. nounced that they will Continued on Page 5 Continued on Page 6 applicants’ personal Applicant and be hosting the first-ever

NEWS | 4 FEATURES | 10 OPINIONS | 17 BUSINESS | 21 Psychotic Fitness Club Behind YU Elevatator Investigates: K. G. I am Shomer and I Go To None of Your Business: A Elevator, Shuttle App Problems Bosbrowe Unmasked as KGB Heights Parties: Here’s Why Tale of Two Syms 2 Wednesday, March 17, 2020 Breaking The Elevatator Elevatator News Purim 2020 Rabbi Schachter Paskins that Perpetrator opinions ranging from advocating for free of Schottenstein Break-in was not Yotzei gun giveaways to converting the Danzinger Editor-in-Chief Lighting the Menorah Quadrangle into a shooting range, the diverse ARI HERSHEY Shimon Peter Weyand, perpetrator of nature of Yeshiva is truly showcased.” Managing Editor the infamous break-in and arson incident at New Elevatator Survey Results YOSEF HATZADIK Schottenstein hall, was not yotzei the lighting Summarized So You Actually Read Them of the Menorah when he lit a candle in the lobby After years of boring and confusing News Senior Editor Junior Editor of the dormitory, said Rav Herschel Schachter “Comprehensive Analyses,” The Elevatator CHRISTMAS CAROLS L. E. 7 KOHNFLAKES in a shiur that was on YUTorah for a total of 8 has decided to sum up the results of the latest minutes before being quickly removed in what absolutely ridiculous undergraduate student Features Senior Editor Junior Editor many are calling a “Chanukah miracle.” Rav body survey in a short news brief. Please keep JOJO D’LEMMA YAKOV ROOSEVELT Schachter, who holds that the lighting of the in mind that the methodology of the survey Menorah cannot be done in a dormitory lobby, was absolutely foolproof; Elevatator editors Opinions condemned Weyand as an “am haaretz” and consulted survey experts such as Buzzfeed for Senior Editor Junior Editor CHANA BAR POPPA MICHAELANGELINA emphatically declared that he was “almost like advice. Here is what we have found: a Reform rabbi.” • Four YC students believe in God. Business Weyand reportedly learns by his rebbe • More than 84% of Beren students wear Senior Editor Junior Editor ELI FISHERMAN EITAN À LA VISOR in Lakewood, NY (not to be confused with their Hadaya necklaces “at least twice a Lakewood, NJ). In an exclusive interview with week, if not more.” The Elevatator, he explained that lighting the • 96% of MYP students “will go farther Senior Layout Editor candles of the Menorah was his “fav mitzvah,” than brushing elbows” with a woman, ROCK PAPER PINKUS because he “totally digs the whole fire thing.” and 21% of IBC students have taken the Social Media Manager When he discovered that matches were lying 2 a.m. shuttle to Beren. AHARON DEAN NISSELSON on a table in Schottenstein Hall for anyone to • Only a single Syms student reported Website Manager take, he ran to the entrance of the dormitory, knowing how to “get beyond the second BALTHAZAR STRAUSS loudly chanting “zerizin makdimin lemitzvos” floor of the Gottesman library.” as his payis dangled behind him, swaying to • Half of all undergraduate female stu- Business Manager the breeze. dents consider themselves loyal talmi- Senior Manager Junior Manager Upon reaching the entrance, Weyand kept dot of Mrs. Shoshana Schechter, while SAMUEL KATZ MEIR LIGHTMAN running, barely noticing the broken glass of the the other half admitted to carrying black front door on the floor behind him as he grabbed H&M skirts in their backpacks, to be Programmer the nearest match and lit the first flammable worn in their Judaic classes only and OMAR FARUK thing he saw — a roll of toilet paper — in a des- then ripped off when they take manage- perate bid to be mekayeim the mitzvah before ment classes. Layout Staff tzeis. When he learned that his Maccabean • Nearly all Schottenstein residents re- SHIRA LEVITT, RAIZY NEUMAN, heroism was all for nothing, he proceeded to ported having snuck men into their MICAH PAVA, TEMIMA YELLIN break into 5 additional buildings in the area, room at least once, 40% of them do so lighting small fires in each of them. “regularly.” Staff Writers • A whopping 90% of Brookdale residents SARAH BEN-NUN, MAYER FINK, SRULI Great Debate Held Between Remaining are “very or extremely unsatisfied” with FRUCHTER, NOAM GERSHOV, ZACHARY GREENBERG, NATHAN HAKAKIAN, TEMMI Political Clubs After Ban of College their housing. The remaining 10% live LATTIN, JOSH LEICHTER, AVI LEKOWSKY, Democrats in Deluxe Rooms. DANIEL MELOOL, JACOB METZ, MICHELLE A “very balanced” debate was held be- NAIM, DONIEL WEINREICH tween College Republicans, Conservative 2000 Year Old Syms Test Banks Found Student Union and College Libertarians fol- in YU Honors Archeological Dig The Elevatator is the freefalling student newspaper lowing the ban of the YU College Democrats In what some YU student amateur archae- of Yeshiva University. in mid-September. ologists are calling “the find of For 85 years, The Elevatator has served students and One topic covered in the de- the century,” 2000-year-old administrators as a conduit of propaganda; a kinetic vehicle censoring undergraduate social, religious bate included the allowance of papyrus scrolls with Sy Syms and academic beliefs across the student bodies; and an unreliable reflection of Yeshiva student life to the weed in the dorms, since as Dr. School of Business test banks broader Jewish and American communities.

Matt Cantalope, moderator of have been discovered in clay The Elevatator staff claims students from the the debate, expressed, “It’s the jars during a YU honors ar- Hesder, Yeshivish, Confusedox and Kefira caucuses at Yeshiva. only thing that makes College cheological dig in a recently We are united by our confusion about the impossible Libertarian stand out, so why uncovered ancient Israelite synthesis of Torah Umadda and a commitment to not?” burial ground on the slopes join our fellow students in plummeting to our doom. Views expressed in The Elevatator are not those of its “One of the foundations of beneath Rubin Shul. writers or editors; they reflect those of a select few political discussion is diversity While the Syms test banks YU administrators. of thought,” said Cantalope. Visit us online at Continued on Page 3 www.yucommentator.org. “When students espouse Ancient clay jars YU MUSEUM held Syms test banks. Wednesday, March 17, 2020 7 Intellectuals 7 Women 3

The hefker table BREAKING NEWS, 1 I hope someone gets rid of all the moldy pizza and pastries well past their expiration continued from Page 2 date before Pessach ... leftovers may be served at next year’s Welcome Back Barbecue! #BeforeProceedingToBeForgottenAboutForever are written in ancient Biblical Hebrew on authentic papyrus The Battle Of Our Generation scrolls, they bear a striking 2 From free pizza to pornography, what could be more intellectually stimulating? resemblance to Prof. Andrew Geller’s management tests. After consulting ancestry.com Heights parties and aspiring academic Duvid 3 The Twittersphere is now aware of just how lit YU students can get. #JelloShotsandMacklemore Selistein, The Elevatator was able to confirm that Prof. Geller has yichus to King A historically male newspaper with three female editorial members!!! Shlomo, the author of up to three books in Tanach (de- 4 We are clearly the most diverse publication on campus. pending which Bible professor The Glueck beis medrash you ask), and now, the first Syms test banks in existence. The uncovered banks, 5 See if you can spot all the hidden recording devices and female Commie editors!!! #MinchaAnnouncements arguably the most signifi- cant YU discovery since Dr. At least four ping pong tables on campus Akiva Poppers and Dr. Mili Chizhik’s groundbreaking dis- Great for putting your tefillin on when you show up late to 8:30 shacharis in Morg. Or a solid 6 covery of inflated caf prices, excuse to invite girls over to your dorm. could go a long way towards Elevators understanding the ancient

The time spent trapped inside these pieces of a bygone era until firefighters arrive allows for near east bro-culture and test

7 plenty of introspection… and Viduy. study habits during the times

of the first temple. For now,

the scrolls of test banks are

Ways to Grow 7 being put on display at the

by The YU Office

Intellectually Woman a of Admissionsas YU Museum between a black

7 Grow to Ways and white photo of YU Macs Forward Gabe Leifer holding the luchot at Har Sinai and a blurry video of Rav Moshe Free female hygiene products in the Wilf Library women’s lounge restroom, Weinberg, Elvis Presley and but nowhere on the entire freakin’ Beren Campus the Rebbe moon-walking 1 on Mars. Further excava- Forget the bochrim, this is the real reason why women go to the Wilf Library. tions in the test bank caves The Brookdale lounge have turned up small, white seashells that experts claim Public pritzus, Spanish music, free food and card games. In sum, YU’s version of a college pub. 2 might be primitive Apple Airpods and portable opium DMC’s and karaoke with shuttle drivers pipes with Juuls engraved into their handles. Contrary to popular opinion, the shuttle isn’t only for shidduchim or motion sickness. 3 Students Roasted Rabbi Saul Berman’s classes Alive in Elevator; “Everything is Fine,” Says Come for the stories about Rav Soloveitchik and an incredible account of YU history, stay for the 4 Administration fiance-who-refused-to-sign-the-prenup-shaming. Earlier this week, a packed elevator in Brookdale Hall The Magic Touch spontaneously burst into flames, killing everyone The NCSY response to “Everytime We Touch” by Cascada. 5 inside. “Elevators, including the Trader Joe’s is a mere seven-minute walk away Brookdale cars, have multiple redundant safety systems to I'd take the shuttle for you, Joe <3, if only you took the caf card. 6 ensure that it cannot spontaneously burst into flames,” ex- Better than RateMyProfessor: Stern College In the Know plained Chief Facilities Officer If students respond to your inquiry about a course with “PM me” instead of just commenting on the Continued on Page 5 post, you better drop it like it’s hot. 7 4 Wednesday, March 17, 2020

PAPERBOI, on the Wilf Campus. that he simply “wanted nemesis. Greenberg no permission to quote continued from He must then make his to create a position on vividly recalls how ev- Rabbi Schnall since it Front Page way to all buildings on The Elevatator team for ery time he would set had no right to exist in campus and distribute students who don’t know the stack up in the beis the first place. Greenberg (BSS ‘21), the papers to each stack, how to write.” Asked to medrash, Rabbi Schnall “This is what politics promptly applied to be a hollering the line “Extra! comment on this ac- would immediately lift does to a yiddishe ne- paperboi. Extra! Read all about cusation, Greenberg it up and carry it to the shama,” remarked Rabbi “I honestly just ap- it! Get your Elevatator smiled widely and said, library. When inquired Herschel Schachter to his plied to the position for here!” He must strategi- “Incredible shtick.” by The Elevatator as to shiur, according to ille- the shtick,” Greenberg cally place stacks in cer- According to people why he moved the stacks, gally obtained recordings. readily admitted. “I tain locations guaranteed familiar with the matter, Rabbi Schnall said, “The “They’re all corrupt. First mean, now I get the inside to be chanced upon by Greenberg has petitioned Elevatator doesn’t belong they force themselves scoop on The Elevatator. I President Ari Berman Hershey to allow his in a makom kadosh. They into top unelected posi- get to sit in on meetings. and other members of stalwart friend and dear attack all of the rebbeim tions and then distrib- You know, they’re like the administration. cousin Jared Benjamin in Yeshivas Rabbeinu ute kefira all around Jedi Council meetings!” “I once placed an to assume the position of Yitzchok Elchonon, a yeshiva.” Greenberg An Elevatator investiga- Elevatator on Rav Vice Paperboi. Hershey except Rabbi Wieder. told The Elevatator that tion into the matter con- Yitzchok Cohen’s sht- reportedly refused this Having it in the beis me- he believes that Rabbi firmed that Greenberg ender,” recalls Greenberg. request, saying that “the drash would be like invit- Schachter’s statement has indeed stood in on “He wasn’t there at the position of paperboi is too ing a reform rabbi!” was “all in the spirit of meetings, mostly to get time, but his talmidim prestigious to be stained “It’s all apikorsus,” good shtick.” coffee from Nagel Bagel. started hissing at me. by the mark of nepotism.” he continued. “All of Greenberg was last Other than his cof- Amazing shtick!” Hershey did not immedi- the editors and paper- seen being dragged into fee obligations, the pa- While some accuse ately respond to a request bois should be expelled. an elevator by Rabbi perboi position entails Editor-in-Chief Ari for comment. You can quote me on Yitzchak Cohen and Greenberg waking up Hershey of creating the Rabbi Etan Schnall that if you want.” Rabbi President Ricky Joel, every two weeks at 6 a.m. position due to utter lazi- has so far proven to be Penner later announced never to emerge. They when the papers arrive ness, Hershey contends Greenberg’s greatest that The Elevatator had claimed he had rabies.

Zack has fully embraced his Elevatator lackeyness. THE ELEVATATOR Wednesday, March 17, 2020 5

CONFESSIONS, appeared in my Facebook priests in the area who’d continued from feed.” be willing to read the con- Front Page Shifty Linberger, fessions and do what they always been my favorite founder and manager do with them.” Linberger part of the Catholic tra- of the YU Confessions added that if the students dition,” she explained, group, shared a num- are accepted to YU she adding that her habit of ber of confessions that “would consider undergo- “partying hard” over the reportedly began ap- ing formal priestly train- weekends often leads to pearing in the group ing to accommodate the somber Monday morning one chilly morning. Catholic students.” confessions. “Having the According to Linberger, UTS administrators ability for the Almighty to one user wrote, “Please were unsure how to deal free me from my many absolve me from the sin with this new group of sins is a deeply spiritual of haughtiness.” Another applicants, but after con- and cathartic process.” user wrote, “Dear God, sulting legal authorities, But soon enough, consider this a get out of they ultimately decided things took a turn for the jail free card.” One con- that a fifth morning pro- worse for dear Mary Lou. fession reflected the cog- gram centered around “Unfortunately, I con- nitive dissonance many in-depth analysis of the fessed so much that all Catholic students felt New Testament would the churches in my area applying to YU: “Jesus, be added to accommo- banned me from confess- forgive me for applying to date the Catholic stu- ing. I was left looking for Yeshiva University.” dents. Commenting on an alternative confession Linberger said, “I the matter, newly-hired method that would allow feel really bad. I’m not a Rosh Yeshiva Yonason me to tell someone all the priest. People are send- Paul II noted, “Morning THE NUNSSOCIATED Catholic students have taken PRESS stuff I keep doing wrong ing me really detailed and shiurim will cover the over the YU Confessions group. in a guilty-free environ- graphic confessions and I apostles b’iyun and night apocrypha.” RIETS may have to con- ment,” she said. “Then have no idea what to do seder chaburas will focus Rabbi Paul added, sider adding a special the YU Confessions group with them. I’ve looked up primarily on the biblical “If this trend continues, track for aspiring priests.”

BREAKING NEWS, action can feel like a spontane- was stunned after discovering a recycling bin to indicate which continued from Page 3 ous combustion but is a part of that the Men’s Basketball team play the Macs’ opponents were the many safety features on the was caught orchestrating an elab- running. Otto Sirvis over the sounds of elevator. Essentially, the elevator orate scheme to steal signs and After celebrating their re- student screams and sizzling worked as designed.” game plans from their opponents cent win against Penn State- flesh. As of the time of publication, over the past three years. The Harrisburg, Team Rabbi Skyler “It seems that the safety cir- no one in the elevator could be scheme dates back to the 2017- Gevurah refused to let his team- cuit on the elevator may have reached for comment. 2018 Skyline Championship mates take off his jersey because shut down the elevator momen- winning season, The Elevatator he was reportedly hiding the tarily — its computer probably Basketball Team Caught has learned. After carefully re- Urim V’Tumim, the divine sig- reset itself,” added Sirvis. “When Stealing Signs; Missing YU viewing footage from evilscam. naling device under his uniform. that happens, the elevator heats Recycling Bins Found in com, YU’s Chief of Elevators and up and shoots flames and then Max Stern Athletic Center Basically Everything Else Candy resets itself. This flame-shooting The extended YU community Rapfelburg was seen banging on Mistaking Abstention for Abstinence, Student Council Abstains From Absolutely Everything In light of their recent vic- a fundamental hashkafic issue,” council presidents abstained By Webster’s tories, YU student athletes, read a statement signed by all from voting on the status of the Dictionary also known as the Maccabees, student council presidents and gardening and knitting clubs out requested to henceforth be re- some random student named of fear that formal recognition In a highly predictable move ferred to as the Maccabaes, a Ariel Sacknovitz. The presidents may lead to people perceiving to portray maximum weakness name, they argued, that more (and Sacknovitz) argued that the institution as “less manly,” and feed conspiracy theories that accurately reflected their great- their role “is not to determine according to a statement unani- they are 90% illiterate robots ness. After student council presi- major ideological decisions — mously agreed upon by all mem- and 10% related to President dents consulted numerous focus such as sports team names — for bers of all YU students councils Berman, student council presi- groups, they published a state- the institution.” of the last five years. “Ever since I dents decided to abstain from ment announcing their decision This abstention follows a voting on the status of absolutely to abstain from the vote on the strong tradition of indecisiveness Continued on Page 7 everything. proposed name change. “This is at YU. Only two days ago, student 6 Wednesday, March 17, 2020

Title IX complaint alleg- Jeremy Wieder.” enough to drink,” as one to see how Moshe does THE BOCHUR, ing discrimination due Some people remain hopeful contestant put it. on ‘The Bochur,’” said continued from to a lack of equivalent dubious of the show. “I A mansion has Segal. “He wants to get Front Page kosher “Bachelorette” feel like we are trying to been reserved in Back married super duper bad show, YUConnects hastily perpetuate the shidduch Lawrence for the show, so he can live in married Each season of the announced the spin-off crisis here, not solve it,” and 12 Stern students housing in Washington show will feature one show “The Bachurah,” said one anonymous stu- who are using the show to Heights to make up for strapping young man which was immediately dent on the Wilf Campus, fulfill their Bible require- the next four years of chosen from the upper denounced by three who was simply not down ments and avoid living in an undergraduate psych echelon of the Mazer anonymous YP students to spend three months Brookdale Residence Hall degree and another four Yeshiva Program (MYP). with the backing of un- locked in a mansion with have already been chosen years of semichah. This Only bochrim who learn named “rabbonim,” who tons of women who all to participate. is shaping up to be one every day, daven with a claimed that the show is “just really really want to The host, Yehoshua gevaldig ride!” minyan three times a day, “not appropriate for a ye- get married and have kids ben Nachum Segal, was won’t go to a beach but shiva setting.” As of the and become PTs before thrilled to get the show on will go to movies, com- time of publication, Vice they are even legally old the road. “We can’t wait pleted shana bet, are President Josh Joseph’s “truly growth-oriented” secretary insisted he and “frum but also chill” was traveling for a third will be eligible for a spot straight week and could in this high-stakes con- therefore not be reached test to find theirbashert . for comment. In response Moshe Frankel, a bad to The Elevatator’s inqui- boy ex-yeshiva league ries, a YU spokesperson baller from the Country stated, “We are dealing Club side of Teaneck, has with a dynamic and ever- been chosen to be the first changing dialogue. We Bochur. Moshe wants hope to have a more sub- people to know that, “Just stantial update in the next because I eat at 8 Slices week or so as we strive to and learn at night seder create a community of be- for only one hour doesn’t longing here on campus.” mean that I don’t care “The show switches about Jewish values. I’m between dates at res- definitely the kind of guy taurants and activities, who’s doing this to find which is basically how the girl of my dreams, or the standard Jewish guys at the very least the type and gals go out as well,” of girl who makes a mean noted renowned shad- cholent and lets me chill chan Miriam Greenspan with the boys when I’m (SCW ‘95, 40 ½ couples not pounding in the beis.” and counting!). “The According to a only issue we ran into YUConnects representa- was the hometown dates tive, modeling the new and Fantasy Suites epi- kosher “Bachelor” after sodes. However, most of the original Bachelor was our contestants live ‘in an easy fit, since “the ac- town,’ so paying for Ubers tual Bachelor lasts about to meet their parents at three months and typi- Sammy’s on Queen Anne cal shidduch dating lasts Rd. shouldn’t be too much about the same time be- of an issue. And all of our fore marriage anyway.” contestants are shomer Spin-off shows in the negiah, so we decided to works include “Bochur switch out the Fantasy in Gan Eden” by rival Suites episode with one network JSwipe and in which our lucky bochur “The Bochur of Touro,” spends time in a specially to be co-hosted by the designed yichud room “Yu landers college 4 men with each contestant. But don’t worry — the room is YUCONNECTS club” presidents. A promotional flyer for “The Bochur,” posted in After one disgruntled equipped with cameras the Glueck Beit Midrash, was not torn down by student submitted a and microphones, so we Rav Schachter. got a heter from Rabbi Wednesday, March 17, 2020 7 After Penning Controversial Article Tentatively Promoting Women’s Torah Learning, YP Bochur Amazed to Learn Women Have Been Studying Gemara at YU Since the ‘70s that was responsible for shed- — ones that are appropriate for publication of the article has By Toras Nashim ding light on this major issue women, like collections of divrei shed new light on the conten- Temima later admitted that he should Torah from our great rabbis and tious question of the permissi- have consulted with some real stories of the righteousness and bility of women learning Torah. Following the publication of women before writing his piece. humility of their rebbetzins.” According to a press release by a provocative and highly contro- “I thought it would be sufficient As the news spread of the the administration, until the versial article exploring women’s to consult my imaginary friend existence of a beit midrash for question is fully resolved by a exemption from learning Torah Moishy, who assured me he has women, MYP students seeking joint committee of roshei yeshi- without quoting any Torah or several sisters learning in Beis shidduchim began updating their va and a single representative Rabbinic sources — to appeal Yaakov whom he assumed would YUConnects “what I’m looking from the “female community,” to all readers, including women agree with my arguments,” he for” section, explained one of all Torah learning in the Stern — a Mazer Yeshiva Program explained. “I mean I definitely the site’s founders. “It seems that beit midrash will be indefinitely (MYP) bochur was shocked to would have preferred to speak this reality of serious women’s postponed. discover that women have, in to an actual real live woman be- learning was not widely known, When asked his thoughts fact, been engaging in serious fore publishing my article, but but thanks to the brave article about this sensitive issue, an talmud Torah on the downtown when I stood up at my makom by our courageous MYP bochur, MYP student who wished to campus for decades. and looked around Glueck beis men are now reevaluating their remain anonymous remarked, The once-groundbreaking medresh I didn’t see any.” priorities and opting to seek out “I think that the real culprit is initiative, intended to promote technology. With the advent of women’s Torah learning (and running water and washing ma- possibly including talmud The dialogue that has erupted on the Wilf chines, women now have time to study), appears to have started spend on something other than over 40 years ago with an official Campus since the publication of the article has ‘household duties.’ I’m deeply gemara shiur taught by none shed new light on the contentious question of the disappointed that the roshei ye- other than Rav Soloveitchik him- shiva haven’t come out against self. An Elevatator investigation permissibility of women learning Torah. these advances and would uncovered indisputable evidence then be able to avoid the ques- of not one, but two full-time tion of women’s talmud Torah gemara shiurim that currently Nonetheless, upon learning women who appreciate Torah completely.” take place at Stern College for that the women at Stern have and Judaism just as much as Women, with both morning and their own beit midrash, the bo- our men do. If nothing else, I Editor’s Note: To maintain night seder. According to sources chur rejoiced. “Having a space can confidently say that we have proper tznius standards, no familiar with the shiurim, female for women to learn on a high seen a slight drop in the num- women were consulted in the students have been attending level is one small step for women, ber of men who turn down a writing of this article, but the them regularly for years with no but one giant leap for me and match simply because she learns author would like to think that great fanfare or controversy. the article I wrote,” he said. “My Torah.” it adequately represents their The author of the article fervent hope and bracha is that The dialogue that has erupted viewpoint anyway. it will soon be filled withseforim on the Wilf Campus since the

ABSTINENCE, Meatless Monday club. Wieners.” marriage. On the other kishuf,” said Greenberg continued from Page 5 According to sketchy Just last week, TAC hand, we need to find a sadly, burning his Harry sources, YCSA President President Hella Adler was way to incentivize these Potter Purim costume, heard Lizzo’s song ‘Boys,’ Weib Lieber was report- asked whether she sup- strong and independent broomstick and all, in I have been feeling really edly witnessed gulping ported a student petition yet tragically single pre- the mysterious fire on objectified,” said Toni down hot dogs in the to ban public displays of med girls to go on dates.” 36th Street. “I guess...,” Broth, president of SOY corner of the Glueck affection in the Brookdale According to YSU he choked, “...abstinence (Straight Oberchuchem beit midrash. “How lounge. “I really don’t President Zachylackey Of is more important than Yingelach). “That’s ma- can they expect me to know what to say,” she The Commie Greenberg, shtick.” mash not okay. We need agree with the mission wrote in a long, heartfelt student council presi- Various media outlets, to reintroduce the notion statement of this shtuss Facebook post that had dents will also be ab- including Mishpacha that YU is super macho.” club,” he was overheard no substance whatsoever. staining from tomorrow’s Magazine and the NJ Last week, student remarking, wiping his “On the one hand, stu- vote on the status of the Jewish Link, praised council presidents an- mustard-stained fingers dent council presidents Quidditch team. ”Roshei the abstinence mental- nounced they would be on his Yachad sweater. are strong advocates Yeshiva threatened to ity of YU student council abstaining from voting “I thought everyone loved for abstinence before leave if we permit this presidents. on the approval of the 8 Wednesday, March 17, 2020 From the Vice President's Desk Greenberg Exposed! — The True Story Behind YSUGate opened and out walked Zachary Student Housing, than to slight discussion with Head Coach By Christopher Jesus Greenberg, YSU Vice President. one of his precious RAs? Rabbi Aharon Binah. His per- (CJ) Glicksman “Thanks so much for your The next day, he and Leib sonal sniper, Jared Benjamin, help, Mr. President. He totally Weiner, president of YCSA, sat lay in wait, concealed on the It was a cold and dark night. bought it.” for hours, poring over the Wilf top of a nearby building, ready The two men were sitting di- Berman extended his hand Campus Constitution in search to strike should things go awry. rectly across from each other. to Zack, “My pleasure — Mr. of some clause that would dis- Netiv bochurim swarmed the One had a look of triumph begin- President.” qualify Zack from the presidency. bleachers, chanting “Zack Snack ning to spread across his face, Zack had done it. He’d bribed “I found it!” exclaimed Pack on a Kayak with Crack!” at the other a look of defeat. President Berman into forcing President Weiner. “An RA can- high volume. “So you’ll step down from Ariel Sacknovitz, YSU President, not be President of YSU! Right Presidents Broth and Weiner the presidency,” said President to step down from his position. here in the constitution!” arrived at the ring a minute lat- Berman. “You’ve spent far too -- “Perfect,” said Broth. “Let’s er, Josh’s Joseph and Weisburg much money on the Chanuka “That’s it!” said President bring this to the student court.” trailing at their feet. Concert. We aren’t Goldman Broth, sitting in his dorm room The Wilf Campus Student Presidents Broth and Weiner Sachs, you know.” desk chair. “This is ridiculous. Court was in the middle of their stared into Greenberg’s eyes “Alright,” said President Jonathan Schwab has still not daily 2 pm game of Badminton, from across the ring, prepar- Sacknovitz, finally acquiescing dealt with the goat infestation. I when Broth and Weiner came ing for the battle of a century. to Berman’s demands. “I’ll pre- can’t get these damn billies out running. Greenberg stared back, mostly tend I’m graduating and step of my room!” “Justice Dolitsky! Justice thinking about what he would down from the presidency.” And Broth suddenly thought of Dolitsky! Zack Greenberg can’t eat for dinner that evening. The with one last indignant look at an idea. Ariel Sacknovitz had assume the presidency! It says match began. President Berman, Sacknovitz just graduated, leaving the so in the constitution!” President Being an expert wrestler since got up and left the room. YSU Presidency to Zachary Broth cried. his days on the TABC wrestling “Is he gone?” A sound came Greenberg. Perhaps Broth The judges paused their team, it took only a few seconds from President Berman’s office could figure out a way to pre- game, grouped together, and for Greenberg to pin both Broth closet. vent Zachary Greenberg from pulled out their pocket Wilf and Weiner, using only the soles “Yeah, you can come out assuming the presidency. What Campus Constitutions. of his feet. He had won. Zachary now,” said Berman. The door better way to take vengeance on “He’s right,” said Justice Jake Greenberg was president of YSU. to President Berman’s closet Jonathan Schwab, the director of Stern, pointing to Article VI, -- Section 12. “It says so right here.” That night, Rubin Floor 7 held “I’m not sure it’s so clear,” re- a party in honor of President sponded Chief Justice Dolitsky. Greenberg’s win. As the party “It seems clear that he cannot died down in the wee hours of be on the Wilf Campus General the morning and the last strag- Assembly. But the presidency glers headed to bed, President itself? I’m not so sure...” Greenberg made his way to my “For all x, if x Fs, then x Gs ... room. I’d recommend using it twice...” “CJ, your plan worked,” he Justice Sosnowik muttered. said. “We got President Berman Justice Dolitsky noticed to get rid of Sacknovitz, and I be- President Broth look quizzically came President. All we need now at Justice Sosnowik. “He’s truly a is to assassinate Leib, and you’ll man of reason, perhaps the wis- become President of YCSA. We’ll est on the court. But he speaks be co-RAs and co-Presidents. cryptically,” Dolitsky remarked. We’ll rule the school. We can “Alright, as Justice Sosnowik finally legalize marijuana in the correctly pointed out, a wres- dorms.” tling match is in order,” Dolitsky As a reader, you must now be announced. “The student body wondering “So that’s what this is cannot know about it, so we will all about? Legalizing marijuana send an email explaining that we in the dorms?” will not be holding a public trial. Yes, that’s what this is all Case dismissed.” about. Greenberg proudly showcased his weed THE ELEVATATOR The match was held later We’re coming for you, Leib. collection to The Elevatator upon his that afternoon. Greenberg ap- Watch your back. accession to the YSU presidency. proached the ring, deep in Wednesday, March 17, 2020 9 Fourth Floor of Gottesman Library Dedicated in Honor of President Ari Berman turnout on the fourth floor has building floors. The new secu- be the most prestigious font used By Yonatan Krasinski skyrocketed. “While I have never rity office in Strenger Hall was in all formal Yeshiva University actually seen President Berman renamed “The Peter A. Weyand announcements. Along with an The fourth floor of the in real life,” said Jeremy Gorstein Office of Security,” in honor of outline of President Berman’s Menachem Mendel Gottesman (SSSB ‘20), “going to the fourth Weyand’s efforts to bolster se- head with the words “Building Library on the Wilf Campus floor and dwelling in the si- curity at YU by demonstrating Tomorrow, Eventually” over has been dedicated in honor lence really allows me to con- how lax security has been and where his mouth would be, the of President Ari Berman and nect to President Berman and how breakable the glass doors on years of his term, “2016 - the his continued commitment to the 5 Torot: voting for the OIC, campus are, and Nagel Bagel was next YU financial crisis,” and silence. making aliyah, cutting-edge hi- officially re-dedicated to Philippe his most important quotation The dedication of the fourth tech innovation, making a lot of C. Starck, acclaimed designer of to date, “ ,” are printed floor of the library has been in below his name. talks for years. As early as 2017, “The silence of a hundred working students When asked in person for the silent floor of the library was a quote on this tremendous going to be dedicated in honor of really connects me to President Berman achievement, President Berman Rabbi Lamm, but the communi- gave his signature smile, mum- cations department deemed this who has yet to host a town hall meeting or bled something about anti-Semi- decision to be too “on the nose.” tism being a bad thing and listed The committee on the formation communicate with the outside world.” off the five Torot before closing of a committee for the rededica- ––– his office door. Every other ad- tion of YU spaces did not return a ministrator reached out to for request for comment. However, Jeremy Gorstein (SSSB ‘20) comment was unavailable and an anonymous source from the out of office until graduation on committee on forming commit- promises, and not keeping any of the excruciatingly screechy $750 May 26, or thought President tees said that after dedicating them. The silence of a hundred aluminum chairs that grace the Joel was still in charge due to a the new and improved Tenzer working students really con- store. communications mixup. Gardens in honor of President nects me to President Berman, A plaque dedicated to “The President Rabbi Doctor Richard Joel’s efforts to stall who has yet to host a town hall President Berman’s Floor is Ari Berman floor” will continue YU’s economic growth, the next meeting or communicate with hung proudly against the central to be used for years to come, and logical step was to dedicate the the outside world.” glass wall that houses the rare students and teachers cannot silent floor of the library in honor The success of this initiative book collection. The plaque has wait to see what else President of President Berman. has sparked renewed interest President Berman’s name in 105 Berman will continue to do for Since its rededication, student in meaningless dedications of pt. font in Comic Sans, noted to the university he cherishes.

A flyer for the re-dedication ceremony of the Gottesman library’s fourth floor SELMA BATMAN 10 Wednesday, March 17, 2020 March Scheduled to Protest Straus Center to do with the Holocaust. in extraordinary ways.” When participants from various other By The Real The organizers of the upcom- pressed on what extraordinary institutions, including but not Nogachevsky ing march, who happen to be ways the boundaries of what is limited to: the Teaneck Mom’s the 3% of undergraduate stu- possible will, in fact, be pushed, Facebook group; the entire staff This May, the undergradu- dents who have some working he gestured vaguely at a nearby of the Belz School of Music; Cabe, ate student body will be holding knowledge of the Straus Center, platter of fresh fruit and choco- Sofia and Marcus — represent- a march to protest the Straus are advocating for five major late rugelach. ing the dining staff — as well as Center for Torah and Western changes: 1. a statement from Nevertheless, due to a mas- every random person somehow Thought. Since its inception a the administration clearly stat- sive disconnect between the in the 5 Towns Rides WhatsApp few years ago, the Straus Center ing their own beliefs regarding has yet to release a statement the Straus Center, 2. the cancel- The student body has already secured a permit on why it actually exists, leaving lation of all events run by the many students and educators up- Straus Center and 99% of their to march in the Danziger Quadrangle and set, concerned and angry about resources to be allocated towards the lack of clarity surrounding developing more partnerships police barriers have been set up to contain the the program. between undergrad students and “Huh?” said Rabbi Kalinsky Israeli startups, 3. an adminis- chaos that will inevitably ensue. when asked about what he trator whose job it is to make thought about the march against sure that the Straus Center stays powers that be and the desires group and all the goyim who sell the Straus Center. “What?” add- in line, 4. A comprehensive ori- of the student body, the march jewelry in YU Marketplace. They ed Rabbi Penner when asked entation about the Straus Center will move forth. The student are all turning out and turning up about his thoughts on the Straus for incoming students and why body has already secured a per- for what they believe is a cause Center’s new initiatives. “No way it should be avoided at all costs, mit to march in the Danziger worth fighting for. is this a real thing,” said Rabbi and finally, 5. the creation of new Quadrangle and police barriers “Yeah I’m pretty pumped to Meir “Sully” Soloveitchik, head undergraduate clubs to promote have been set up to contain the take down the Bastion of Hate of the Straus Center, when asked an atmosphere at YU full of com- chaos that will inevitably ensue. known as the Straus Center,” about the Straus Center. munity and belonging to fill the “What the hell is a commented the ghost of Fred To evaluate student senti- void left behind by the perma- Quadrangle?” asked a very con- Phelps, noted leader of the ment on the Straus Center, The nent closure of the Straus Center. fused Senior VP Rabbi Josh Westboro Baptist Church, as he Elevatator ran a scientific poll of “The Straus Center is fulfilling “JoJo” Joseph, when asked to put on his anti-Straus Center the student body, and the results an absolutely crucial role in the comment on how he thought the swag and prepared to let loose conclusively showed that not future of this institution and all march would turn out based on on the heathens of Yeshiva holding events on campus and of modern orthodoxy,” insisted the tiny space allocated for a University. “I don’t know much not promoting them to students President Berman when asked to protest of a student body 1,800 about what they actually do, but has been a highly effective strat- comment on the potential back- students strong. a Google search told me that egy to leave students in the dark lash from the Jewish community The student body will be dis- its mission statement encour- about the activities of the Straus that will be caused by the up- tributing flags with the Straus ages YU students to be Modern Center. A whopping 97% of the coming march. “It has radically Center logo sporting a big red Orthodox, intellectual leaders student body has not attended advanced the frontiers of Judeo- X over it and t-shirts bearing who are well-versed in both a single Straus Center lecture or Christian values and Western the slogan “Undergrads are the Torah and the Western can- event, and 95% of those students thought. Future leaders that the real Center.” The turnout prom- on. I’m unequivocally against were “highly certain” that the center produces will push the ises to be huge, with at least 50 Judaism, Torah and Western center’s mission has something boundaries of what is possible YU students and over 2,000 culture, so count me in!” Stomp Out the Stigma To Combine with Sephardic Mega Selichot our university can be. selichot featuring shofars, tons an all-you-can-eat coupon to By Rabbi Elijah The first crossover event will of yodeling, al chets, and two Colbeh. L’Chaim take place next fall, with the truck-loads of lachmagine. “This huge mega combo event combination of Sephardic Mega The format will involve 20 will bring awareness to mental In order to consolidate funds Selichot (SMS) and Stomp Out minutes of speaker time allotted health on campus and showcase and promote student inclusion the Stigma (SOTS). Planning has to SOTS and then another 20 the beautiful Sefardi culture that on campus, the Office of Student already begun over half a year minutes for the Mega Selichot. we ashkenazim truly understand Life and the YU administration in advance with the creation of Along with the distribution of and appreciate,” said Senior VP have decided to start combin- seven committees and 15 sub- pamphlets containing important Josh Joseph as he cut the rib- ing large student-run events in committees to handle all numer- mental health resources and let- bon on the dedication of the new the hope that this will bring new ous logistics of combining the ters to all the SOTS speakers, the groups together and show do- hugely popular mental health SOTSSMS attendees will receive Continued on Page 13 nors just how unique and diverse event and the enormous co-ed a free custom-made tallit and Wednesday, March 17, 2020 11

Coming This Spring Never. Stop. RUNNING.

This picture creeping you out? Email the person on the RIGHT at [email protected] 12 Wednesday, March 17, 2020 Wednesday, March 17, 2020 13 To Preempt LGBTQ Club Agenda, RIETS Bans Same-Sex Dancing Rabbi Willig should stop yeshiva from these re- Pool — which used to be “I think I might transfer By Zachariah advocating conversion lentless attacks on our accessible exclusively to to Columbia or Penn; Nash therapy, but what’s next?” foundational beliefs, the men — can now only be they’re much more het- said one student who Rabbi Isaac Elchanan entered with a buddy of erosexual. I hear every- In a pivotal move to commented on the con- Tanach Seminary the opposite sex. A man thing is co-ed and it’s just halt The YU Alliance’s dition of anonymity so as (RIETS) has been intro- will be required to be normal.” agenda, RIETS and the not to ruin his shidduch ducing some new initia- in the back Brookdale So You Think Stern Office of Student Strife prospects. “First we need tives to make yeshiva lounge throughout the Can Dance has been have banned same-sex to condemn fraudulent “less gay.” Besides for entire night. All batei forced to accept men into dancing at all YU events and abusive interven- the new ban on same-sex midrash will be closed the club and is currently on all campuses. Going tions, next they’re gonna dancing, every Shabbat at 8:00 p.m. in order to preparing to perform a forward, all dancing must demand Rabbi Schachter will now feature a group force bochurim to go to Latin dance routine at the be mixed. officiate at same-sex wed- of ten women from Stern the Gottesman Library — Skyline Championship “We know what the dings! We cannot give in who will make sure to where there are women halftime show, sponsored Alliance is really after,” to any of this assault on keep all Shabbat pro- — instead. by Kedem grape juice. said Director of RIETS our values.” gramming on the Wilf Asked if it would be YCDS and SCDS have Rabbi Perry Homowitz The group, which has campus strictly het- more practical to let merged, and all charac- about the change. “What thus far been denied erosexual. Men will no women come to night ters will only be played by they really want is dozens approval as an official longer be permitted to seder, Rabbi Homowitz someone of the opposite of sweaty men or women student club, has faced give the dvar torah after replied, “Men and women sex. Their production of holding hands and walk- skepticism from some re- minyan. using the pool together Rent will be opening in ing in a circle. But it will garding their claim that An official statement is one thing, but learn- late March. never happen! Not in they do not seek to change from Dean of Students ing in the same yeshiva In response to these Orthodoxy! The Purim halacha. “Every club has Evan Kotell explained together is way beyond new policies, Keshet chagigahs will be inte- a halachic agenda! Do that while “there is no the pale.” Prideman (SSSBTQ+ grated and any same-sex you seriously believe the strictly halachic prob- In the future, the ye- ’21), the president of the circles forming will be Alliance doesn’t want to lem with a man giving shiva will only learn sed- YU Alliance, commented, disbanded. Any mechit- change halacha?!” said the dvar torah after min- er nashim. To avoid any “People always ask why I zahs found at the Yom a rosh yeshiva who acci- yan,” a yeshiva must hold gay symbolism, Parshat go to YU if I’m gay. I’ve Haatzmaut chagigah will dentally left his recorder itself to a higher standard. Noach has been excised realized they were right; be taken down faster than on after shiur. “Do you “It’s not appropriate to form all sifrei torah on YU is too straight now to a Brookdale elevator.” also think Haircuts for have a man speaking in campus, and optics has ever include someone like The YU Alliance, a Hope isn’t seeking to be front of other men in a been eliminated from the me. I’ve therefore decided student group that ad- mevatel the halachos of yeshiva environment. If physics curriculum. to transfer to Landers. I vocates for the inclu- payos? Next you’ll taina someone wants men to be Despite these new hear that over there you sion and acceptance of that the Baking Club able to give divrei torah, initiatives, some stu- never even need to see LGBTQ students at YU, isn’t trying to be mattir they should go to a com- dents remain unsatisfied. someone of the opposite has met resistance from chadash and pas akum. munity minyan.” “Maintaining separate sex. It sounds like a much students and roshei ye- Don’t be so naïve! They’re There are also changes campuses and colleges is better fit for me.” shiva alike. “Yeah, maybe all passul!” being made in facilities. just too gay,” protested To protect our holy The Benjamin Gottesman Tovah Yoshor (SCW ’22).

MEGA SELICHOT, that administration approval is broadway tickets, excellent ac- Tournament, a Women’s-Only continued from Page 10 all that matters, so the events will cess to the counseling center, Tisch with Rav Schachter at the wall separating the Sephardic be moving forward as planned. unreal food, some dope singing, new monkey exhibition in the Beit Midrash from the rest of the “I tried to get to the bottom and I already found at least 10 Museum of Natural History and Morgenstern building. “I per- of why the school started com- future dentists and doctors who a ‘Ben Torah in the Workplace’ sonally cannot wait to hear each bining events,” said Shlomio are offering me sick discounted Paint Night sponsored by the SOTS story while I chow down Friedburger in a grainy video call prices for my healthcare — what Career Center.” on some koobideh and joujeh from what looked like a darkened is there not to love?” comment- Added Jeisberg, “Don’t quote and use my vocal chords in ways room in the Glueck Cellar, “but ed Kalman Greundenfeld as he me on this, but the upcoming I never could have imagined.” as soon as I started asking ques- chowed down on three gondi. Chag HaSemikhah is being Although there has been tions, subtle and not-so-subtle An anonymous source who planned in conjunction with a some lukewarm student senti- threats from certain administra- requested that we not use a very recently approved LGBTQ Safe ment towards the idea of “com- tors sent me into hiding. I will obvious fake name like Wash Space event in the spring. I think bo-events,” including multiple probably have to remain in this Jeisberg said, “Off the record, LGBTQ students will find that petitions, a march and a lot of room until the next massive ad- there are at least four more the Chag HaSemikhah is actu- angry flyers posted around the ministrative turnover.” combo events coming soon, in- ally maybe the safest place on Wilf and Beren campuses, it Other students are pleased cluding a DIY Chassidic Co-ed campus, so we’re expecting ev- eventually dawned on students with the changes. “I get free Glow-in-the-Dark Dodgeball erything to go smoothly.” 14 Wednesday, March 17, 2020 President Berman Emerges From Belfer, Six More Weeks of Winter

By Phillip Punxsutawn

February 2 was a beautiful day in the neighborhood. The sun was bright, the breeze was cool and that signature smell in the streets of Washington Heights was pleasantly absent. President Ari Berman decided to take advantage of the fabulous day and venture outside. Since September, Berman had been securely barricaded in his bunker on the twelfth floor of Belfer Hall, with a year’s supply of Golan and teriyaki salmon. Here, Berman was safe from probing student journalists, humanities majors, expecta- tions of substantial leadership and the gay agenda. The loca- tion was secured by a network of broken elevators promising to trap anyone who dared attempt to ascend the building. However, for the first time, the outside beckoned to him. The howling winds over the decrepit wasteland that was once Tenzer Gardens called his name. “President Berman! Or is it Rabbi Berman? What? We’re supposed to call him Dr. Berman? That doesn’t make sense. I’m just gonna stick with PRDAB.” Under the impression that the coast was clear, President Berman determined it safe to walk about openly on campus. President Berman entered the elevator on the twelfth floor which then promptly free fell to the first floor. As President Berman wandered outside, the shadow of a student coming from Rubin began to appear. Jolted, Berman quickly retreated back inside Belfer, and hid behind the security desk. According to RIETS, choref zman will continue for six more weeks. A poster promoting the Groundhog Day event starring President PRESIDENT BERMAN'S IPHONE Berman and Selma Batman Wednesday, March 17, 2020 15 16 Wednesday, March 17, 2020 Chop Chop to Abandon Chinese Menu, Become Pizzeria across campus had varying that they too would be reopening on Yeshiva University’s campus By General Tso reactions. their doors, this time to serve as the inspiration for the cui- “Before you know it, every pizza. The owner of One Stop sine change. Governor Andrew Early Monday morning, Matt darn restaurant in this city is go- Kosher, a store whose lack of Cuomo, who wasn’t even sup- “Hashem bless you” Chan, the ing to become a pizzeria!” said expiration dates and toasty 65 posed to be at the conference in owner of Chop Chop — YU’s one anonymous student, before degree refrigeration area put it the first place, got up after him most popular Chinese restau- hearing about Golan and Burgers out of business earlier this year, and announced that the change rant, if only because Golden City and Grill, sighing, and adding, “I announced the same five minutes would actually be affecting all of doesn’t count — announced that, spoke too soon, didn’t I?” later — along with a rebrand- New York State. following the success of pizze- “I’m-a not-a sure what-a rias Lake Como and Grandma’s Moments after Bergliacci announced the news I have-a done here,” stated and the subsequent opening of Bergliacci in response to the 8 Slices, he would be turning in a Facebook post, Golan Heights and Burgers Governor’s announcement, con- his restaurant into a pizzeria as tinuing his exaggerated Italian well. He also announced that, and Grill put up signs declaring that they would stereotype. “I-a only wanted-a with the switch from Chinese to to follow the-a band-a-wagon pseudo-Italian cuisine, he would be following suit and also converting their and serve-a pizza. It-a was-a be changing his name to Matteo restaurants to pizzerias. never my-a intention to cause- Bergliacci. a all this.” “It-a only seemed like-a the By Wednesday, Donald natural next step for-a this res- “I like pizza, so I think this ing: “Just Kosher Pizza.” Yeshiva Trump, in an executive order, taurant,” Bergliacci said, gestic- is a good change of pace,” said University Dining Services fol- forced all states to only allow ulating wildly while giving his Mary Intercampus. “Five pizze- lowed suit later that evening. pizza to be served both at restau- quote in a very obviously fake rias within a two minute radius “We are pleased to announce rants and at home. The United Italian accent. of each other, in my opinion, is that henceforth, the only food Nations, following suit, made Moments after Bergliacci an- too few pizzerias. We’re going to that will be legally allowed to be a declaration that any restau- nounced the news in a Facebook need more.” served in New York City is pizza,” rant caught not serving pizza post, Golan Heights and Burgers In a surprise announcement stated Mayor Bill de Blasio in a would be forced to appear be- and Grill put up signs declaring later that afternoon, Subaba, conference early Tuesday morn- fore the International Criminal that they would be following suit a defunct sandwich store that ing that was originally supposed Court and pay reparations to the and also converting their res- used to be open on 187th and to be about the new plastic bag global community, among other taurants to pizzerias. Students Amsterdam, told the Elevatator ban. De Blasio cited the changes punishments. Elevatator Editor Asks for the Time, Panic Ensues and that elevator was stuck on editors are known to avoid, such also refused to answer the By Timmy Z. Mann the 13th floor. After a few min- as YU sporting events or the beit Elevatator’s inquiries. President utes, the elevator began to de- midrash. Ari Berman forgot his email pass- Last Tuesday, chaos ensued scend, only to go to the basement As the news began to spread word back in October and has when an Elevatator editor asked and skip the first floor on the way that an Elevatator editor was not responded to anything since. if anyone had the time, catching back up. asking “too many questions,” When asked for the time, Senior unsuspecting students and pass- Worried he would be late many club heads frantically Vice President Josh Joseph said ersby off-guard. One student, for class, Hershey asked, “Does sent messages to their boards, that he has formed a commit- in a desperate attempt to avoid anyone have the time?”, and a reminding them not to answer tee of physicists, historians and the editor’s invasive inquiry, was paranoid frenzy immediately en- media inquiries without ex- rabbis to determine what time it sighted riding the Gottesman sued. The crowd scattered, leav- press permission. One student, should be at YU, but they are not Library elevator up and down ing a plume of dust in the lobby who was at the scene, report- ready to make a decision just yet. for three and a half hours until of Belfer. Outside, there was a edly started asking everyone he Upon follow-up, Vice President it simply gave up, parked itself trail of abandoned watches and knew, “Do you know anyone at Joseph fled to Israel for asylum. firmly on floor “C” and took a cell phones that people shed dur- The Elevatator? I think they’re Some roshei yeshiva were nap for a while. ing their escape. Within minutes, writing an article about the time. willing to discuss the time with Elevatator Editor-in-Chief the entire campus was deserted. It might be published any minute their shiur privately, but only Ari Hershey was on his way to Students have been known now! Can you please ask them to once all recording devices were his Sy Syms School of Business to take extreme measures to hold off?!” The student councils turned off. class “Disguising Theft as a Meal avoid Elevatator editors. Some on both campuses are working One student, who commented Plan” when he got caught up in a students only take stairs in order on a unanimous press release on the condition of anonymity human traffic jam in front of the to avoid the Elevatator’s con- about the time to be released due to fear of reprisal by the ad- Belfer elevators. Due to a free-fall stant monitoring of all eleva- later this week. ministration, The Seforim Sale, and a spontaneous combustion, tors on campus. Others only go As of the time of publica- and The Sneaker Club, told the only one elevator was in service, out publicly to areas Elevatator tion, the administration has Elevatator, “It’s 3:06 p.m.” Wednesday, March 17, 2020 17 Prof. Carmy, Brilliant Educator, and Reb Tintin Quarantino to Co-produce R-Rated ‘Police Philosopher’ his show to life. “It might not be Career Center for guidance on his talents to work in shechita By Sgt. Donny as popular as The Masked Singer how to find a suitable director for and Jewish community work, Donowitz or Rav Efrem Goldberg’s shiurim the job. After 65 fifteen-minute but the self-described “mensch” on YUTorah,” noted Carmy, “but walk-in meetings, 45 follow-up decided that writing films for In a radical move that I think that adding a gory aspect emails and the Career Center the industry was where his real Caramites (devout followers of to my show will really make it declaring Prof. Carmy’s resume talent lay. After winning “Most Professor Carmy, not to be con- stand out.” completely inadequate, they Original Story” at the Mesivta fused with Karaites) have been Awards for his ground-breaking awaiting for over 30 years, Prof. After getting his semicha from RIETS in 2012, “H8full Ate,” — a remake of “The Shalom Carmy has completed Magnificent Se7en,” which itself talks on a deal with the famous Quarantino put his talents to work in shechita was a remake of “Se7en Samurai” director, Reb Tintin Quarantino, — Quarantino decided that to create a brand new Amazon and Jewish community work, but the self- bringing Police Philosopher to Prime version of his hit show, life was his next big challenge. “Police Philosopher.” described “mensch” decided that writing films “The idea of a police philoso- Prof. Carmy devised the idea for the industry was where his real talent lay. pher was very similar to Sherlock of Police Philosopher early in his Holmes, Psych, and other shows career, but it was only recently, with random specialists coming with the rise of TV streaming That’s where Quarantino were finally able to put him in in to help the cops,” Quarantino comes in. When Carmy first touch with Quarantino. services and the ability to get Continued on Page 19 literally any show idea passed, decided to turn his idea into a After getting his semicha from that he found a niche to bring reality, he reached out to the RIETS in 2012, Quarantino put

Prof. Carmy and Quarantino discuss the nitty-gritty QUARANTINO PRODUCTIONS aspects of “Police Philosopher” in the Rubin Caf. 18 Wednesday, March 17, 2020 Wednesday, March 17, 2020 19

generations will love and I think about the nitty gritty aspects of of philosophy.” POLICE PHILOSOHPHER, teaming up with Prof. Carmy to philosophy and make a great The R-rated version of continued from Page 17 give the people what they want show about the life of a cop in Police Philosopher is due to pointed out. “The challenge we will really ensure that this project NYC.” make a splash in August 2020. had was to take an old idea and becomes a hit.” In anticipation of the show’s Quarantino and Prof. Carmy will make it explode. Adding my ex- Prof. Carmy is also excited success, Quarantino and Prof. be given the Partners of the Year pertise will allow this show to about the possibilities of what Carmy are already coming up Awards by the Career Center add some more intense action this show can offer the under- with sequel and spin-off pitch- and clips from the show will be sequences, deepen the plot and graduate student body. “I think es. “My favorite idea that Tintin streamed through the new, ex- give the show a spicy flair that too often we get stuck in sourc- and I came up with is a show tremely useful televisions placed it may have lacked before. It es, lectures and old fashioned titled ‘Reservoir Dogs Butcher in the Belfer lobby, the 245 lobby is the battle of our generation ideas,” he said. “Creating a live- Schrodinger’s Cat,’” Prof. Carmy and the second floor of Glueck to make content that younger action Police Philosopher with remarked. “Anything to teach Beit Midrash. Quarantino will teach students young strapping lads the ways Roshei Yeshiva Propose Takana Against Bracha on Rainbow posed a shaila to his shiur. of normal seder today I “I didn’t mean to cause this move and will take By Noach “Talmidim, I hope none of have prepared mekoiros rebbe this motzei sheim decisive action, up to and Arkstein you got soaked,” said the for a takana to stop saying ra on him, but I thought including filing seven dif- esteemed rabbi. “After the this hateful bracha.” the topic was interesting ferent complaints, law- On Sunday morning, storm, I saw a rainbow, a The remarks were and I wanted to be mi- suits, and reports with Feb. 23, following a helige keshes. However, recorded by shiur assis- farseim Torah.” When every NYC department thunderstorm that it has been desecrated by tant Ruben Morgenstern asked whether LGBTQ that responds to us. We saw kippot and black this group of so-called (SSSB ‘22) and uploaded students are also part of also plan on creating mini hats flying over Wilf activists who blatantly to YUTorah, and within YU, Morgenstern covered rainbows around campus Campus, the Glueck and announce their intention minutes, the story was his ears and shouted that with our ‘Science is Fun’ Fischel batei midrash kid’s science experiment were in a frenzy when Once it dawned on the roshei yeshiva in late 2009 that kit, which we were able a rainbow appeared in to purchase thanks to a the sky. For centuries, the rainbow colors were associated with the LGBTQ generous donation from Jews have recited a JQY.” bracha upon seeing a movement, they began scrambling to find a halachic The student council rainbow. However, once presidents, scrambling it dawned on the roshei precedent for people to stop saying this bracha. to release their own yeshiva in late 2009 unanimously agreed upon that the rainbow colors to include all students at covered by publications his rebbe made him sign a statement regarding the were associated with the YU as members of this The Forward, Jewish non-disclosure agreement ban, sent the following in LGBTQ movement, they institution. When I saw Press, Haaretz, Tablet barring him from talking an email to the entire stu- began scrambling to find the rainbow today, all I Magazine, Hamodia, with the newspaper. dent body: “We’ve been a halachic precedent for could think about were The Bina Bunch and Al The Elevatator ob- informed that some stu- people to stop saying this those people chanting Jazeera News. tained a copy of the me- dents are being told that bracha. about being part of YU, Morgenstern quickly korot sheet, which was some think that it is not The commotion started too, and I simply couldn’t apologized for errone- immaturely titled “Chukas necessarily appropriate when Rav Yonatan Dovid say zocheir habris. In lieu ously uploading the shiur. Hagayim.” It contained to say a bracha on the not a single actual hala- rainbow at this time. We chik source but rather 613 hope this leads to a con- pictures of rainbows be- versation between the ing used at various pride administration and the parades throughout the student body, and the country, as well as the best we can do is just stay word “toeivah” written out of it while we work 11 times in a row. on more pressing matters In a statement, the like our upcoming virtual YU Alliance admonished Spring 2020 Chanukah the remarks. “This is the Concert Bash with 20% logical next step of the more cool and inoffen- administration’s anti- sively colored lights, as LGBTQ agenda, and we well as a surprise guest.” can’t say we didn’t see Several sources confirmed it coming,” the Alliance to The Elevatator that the wrote in their statement. surprise guest is exactly The Jewish rainbow blessing may soon be banned. YESHIVISH WORLD NEWS “The Alliance condemns who you're expecting. 20 Wednesday, March 17, 2020 Roshei Yeshiva Draft Articles of Impeachment Against Berman little boy, I always want- By The KGB ed to become a rosh yeshiva. All hail God-King The Roshei Yeshiva of Berman! He answered the Rabbi Isaac Elchanan a little boy’s prayers," Theological Seminary Kooler said, choking back (RIETS) began debate tears. on Monday ahead of a The vote, expected historic vote on two ar- in the early afternoon, ticles of impeachment would result in a trial next against God-King Ari month by the deans of the Berman, charging him secular colleges that com- with the high crime and prise Yeshiva University misdemeanor of appoint- — and Syms. The deans ing Dr. Aaron Kooler as have shown little inter- Rosh Kollel of the Kollel est in removing God-King Elyon and a rosh yeshiva Berman from office, in RIETS, The Elevatator God-King Berman has has learned. called the impeachment process an “attempted The vote is expected God-King Berman and Rav Kooler pose for propaganda. THE ELEVATATOR to fall almost entirely coup” and a “total sham.” “Can you believe that I along party lines, between previous Rosh Kollel and do know. That being said, Aharon will be impeached today the Kefira Kaukaus and de facto leader of the Bnei it’s a good question! Who Lichtenstein ... by the RaDicAl RiGht, the Bnei Yeshiva, un- Yeshiva, replied. “They knows?” Schrodinger’s cat wrote Do NoThiNg RoShEi derscoring the deep di- ask at the beginning of a peirush on the Rambam YeShiVa, AND i DID vide among the Roshei Maseches Brachos: How … I occasionally talk to NOTHING WRONG! “Can you believe Yeshiva on Berman’s gen- could Dovid Hamelech satyrs in my dreams ... Sad!,” Berman tweeted eral conduct. know the time of chatzos Osama is Obama… cam- on Sunday at 2:30 a.m. that I will be Upon his appointment if Moshe Rabbeinu him- els have three eyelids.” “Our university’s finances to the Rosh Kollel posi- self did not know it? Ein impeached Toni Broth, president have never been better! tion, Kooler announced hacha nami! Even though of SOY, reflected on his I’d love to see sleepy an innovative division Moshe Rabbeinu knew today by the own prospects of im- Rav Schachter run a of Judaic dogma into the time of midnight he peachment from the left- university.” RaDicAl RiGht, four distinct Torot: the told Paroiy that he didn't leaning student council. “I don’t know if there Jahwist, the Elohist, the know. From here we learn “The Commies are clearly should be a univer- Do NoThiNg Priestly Source, and the that sometimes when I trying to push back with sity in the first place,” Deuteronomist. say 'I don't know' I really RoShEi their propaganda against Rav Schachter, the "Ever since I was a the Bnei Yeshiva for our YeShiVa, AND i legitimate grievances DID NOTHING against Berman. I am not a crook,” he commentat- WRONG! Sad!” ed. Broth later confessed ___ to The Elevatator — off PRDAB the record — that he is indeed a crook. “I’m stealing your money — fools! Rabbi Shalom Don’t quote me on that,” Carrrrrrmy, who was not he shouted in the Rubin asked for comment, phi- caf after explaining how losophized, “From a phil- Olaf from Frozen is his osophical standpoint, the spirit animal. As of the GLBT agenda which Mr. time of publication, Broth Kooler professes is quite was last seen trying to queer … in the yeshiva convince people that he since 1863; still not a phi- actually went to Gush be- losopher-king … 74 roshei fore entering an elevator, Yeshiva and they couldn't never to emerge. Members of the Kefira Kaukaus dance to the THE ELEVATATOR spare another spot?! ... appointment of Dr. Kooler. Rabbi Blau is not amused. I once dunked on Rav Wednesday, March 17, 2020 21 Disgraced Public Figures Continue to Congratulate Basketball Team removed from the walls of YU, bid to earn back some degree of “But if any of you plan on go- By Barn A-Roof Robert Kraft tried to salvage their former glory. ing to law school, get me out of his once moderately-good-guy Broadcasting from a prison here!” A number of controversial persona by congratulating the cell, Bill Cosby sent his congratu- Harvey Weinstein and Louis and morally compromised fig- basketball team on their record- latory remarks in his signature CK sent a joint video of congratu- ures sent their well wishes to the breaking season. Jumping on the goofy tone. “You Jews did a su- lations, but their remarks were YU basketball team, congratulat- bandwagon, Bill Cosby, Harvey perty-bop-bop job hoopin and flagged by the FCC for containing ing them on their phenomenal Weinstein, Louis CK, Barry scoopin the rockety-rock,” he expletives and grotesque refer- season, following Robert Kraft’s Bonds and Jeffrey Epstein sent remarked brightly. Continuing ences, and thus the congratula- lead. In a perhaps unsurprising along their congratulations in a in a more serious tone, he added, tory message was five minutes move, seeing the subject line “Go of “bleeps” and contained only YU Maccabees!”, President Ari “First of all, just to clear up the confusion, I two and half coherent words: Berman immediately sent the “******* Go Macs.” videos along to his mass email- didn’t necessarily not kill myself, but I wouldn’t Barry Bonds offered congrat- ing list titled “Things That Could be caught dead admitting to having not been ulatory remarks, but also added Get Me In Trouble If I Send, But that “if any Maccabees were look- Screw It I’m Da Prez,” before lying when I said that. But more importantly, ing to take their game to the next forwarding them to his favorite level, I have the solution.” students and their parents. go Yeshiva!” Broadcasting from the depths Following the spa-gate scan- ___ of gehenom, Jeffrey Epstein dal and having his poster and tru- Jeffrey Epstein commented, “First of all, just to ly profound words subsequently clear up the confusion, I didn’t necessarily not kill myself, but I wouldn’t be caught dead admitting to having not been lying when I said that.” He quickly added, “But more importantly, go Yeshiva!” When reached for comment, administrators seemed unsure why President Berman had sent out the videos. Vice President Josh Joseph, having just re- turned from a month-long va- cation in the Bahamas, explained in a closed-door off-the-record meeting with “no recording devices allowed” that “because none of the figures had any con- nection to the LGBTQ community, it was decided that their congratulatory remarks wouldn’t be too controversial. Plus, it’s the Macs. What’s controversial about that?” In a statement, YU’s Office of Communication added that “these figures will soon grace our new ‘Building Tomorrow Today’ posters. We’re so proud of the YU Maccabees, and the praise they’ve received from such well-known and highly-regard- ed figureheads is proof of the tremendous kiddush Hashem they create by winning a lot. They truly represent the best this institution has to offer. Did I mention Bill Cosby decided to show his support for the Macs from the dark JEFFREY EPSTEIN recesses of prison. how proud we are of them?” 22 Wednesday, March 17, 2020 Yeshiva University Announces First ‘Dependent’ School Newspaper: The Promoter introduction of The reporting.” According to to get Government pressed further, God- By The Women of Promoter. Hamantaschen’s com- Funding and Still be a King Rabbi President Dr. Volozhin Yeshiva “We are fighting the prehensive analysis of Sectarian University,” Mr. Lord Berman elabo- good fight,” Observer an undergraduate stu- “Breaking news: This is rated, “For starters, the Yeshiva University editor-in-chief Maya Lee dent survey, of the over a dvar Torah,” by Rabbi YU caf prices were far too announced the arrival Mendels remarked. “YU 2,000 undergraduate Herschel Schachter, and low, so we had to raise of a third school news- is sexist, ageist, racist, YU students, nearly 1.3% “I am a YP student and I them. Then we saw that paper: The Promoter. absurdist and speciest, can read and understand DO go to shiur,” by Rabbi Stern College for Women Spearheaded by God- yet we are the only stu- ideas contrary to their Jeremy Wieder. had an excess of funding King Rabbi President dents willing to reveal own, so The Elevatator Funding for the for their art program, and Dr. Mr. Lord Ari Berman, it. The editorial board expects to keep their au- planned 14-yearly is- we value Torah U’Madda VP of Communications of The Observer, as well dience of readers. sues of The Promoter is not Torah U’Art — right? Doron Stern and all 31 Roshei Yeshiva, The According to its Facebook page, The Promoter’s mission is to “promote the Promoter was initiated in an effort to combat the propaganda you want while hiding the coverage nobody needs.” “venomous, false and anti-Torah U’Madda reporting by The Elevatator and The Observer Tabloids,” students were told via email March 6. The announcement of The Promoter comes weeks after student news- papers reported about events happening around campus, such as the deni- al of an LGBTQ club and various elevator malfunc- tions. Reports on campus news and administrative failures have sparked controversy amongst the YU administration and students enrolled in the Yeshiva Program Mazer School of Talmudic Studies (YP). “The Elevatator and The Observer are simply focused on the wrong things,” Stern tweeted God-King Rabbi President Dr. Mr. Lord Ari Berman showing off his new THE ELEVATATOR to both school newspa- power hairstyle as he rips up a copy of The Elevatator pers. “YU is building the next generation of Jewish as the boards of the YU According to its estimated to be about So we cut from that pro- leaders and investment Democrats, the Feminists Facebook page, The $60,000, according to gram, too. However, we bankers, has an innova- and The YU Alliance all Promoter’s mission is to Dean of Sy Syms School really attained the fi- tion lab, Torah U’Madda vehemently oppose YU’s “promote the propagan- of Business Noam nances when we stopped and Marco. Frankly, the efforts to combat our da you want while hid- Wasserman. When asked investing in those eleva- concern for these other reporting.” ing the coverage nobody where the finances for this tors that never worked things is telling of the “The stats are not on needs.” Various Roshei project came from, God- anyway!” fake news agenda of the YU’s side,” Elevatator Yeshiva and Beren and King Rabbi President The Promoter has student-run magazines.” editor-in-chief Avior Wilf student leaders are Dr. Mr. Lord Berman been endorsed by the Students on The Hamantaschen argued. signed up as staff writ- explained, “Well, we saw Orthodox Israel Coalition Elevatator and The “The Promoter is not ers. Upcoming articles what was not working and Senator Chuck Observer’s editorial sustainable because include “Our Basketball on the YU campus and Schumer. Its first issue boards have expressed students gravitate to- Team Won. What a kid- decided to make some is set to be released Feb. dissatisfaction at the wards true, ‘authentic’ dush Hashem,” “How necessary cuts.” When 30, 2021. Wednesday, March 17, 2020 23 Original Manuscript of YU Student Constitution Found In Qumran Caves

the Constitution is pretty much one was made even more appar- mentioned once and never again, By Yigal Yadin worthless anyways. ent by the discovery of markings and it is unclear from the docu- Researchers in the YU over the phrase “ish ha’latzon” ment whether The Elevatator The archeological community Library, largely consisting of stu- that, when viewed under a mi- is banned from campus or is in was stunned earlier this week dents of Professor Aaron Koller, croscope, looked like they were charge of all student life funding. when a document now widely now have control over the manu- written as “PR DAB.” Breuer-College stated that this believed to be the original script, as they pore through it “What also makes this easy is was to be expected from a docu- manuscript of the YU Student trying to interpret what exactly that it seems to be easily divid- ment related to the university. Constitution was discovered by it means. ed into five sections, which the As of right now, the student Bedouins in the Qumran caves, "I wish I had the tools to de- university’s legal team and the government is waiting for the where the original Dead Sea cipher this, but the university president’s office told us we’re full translation with commentary Scrolls were found in the early hasn't offered Intro to Bible in obligated to call Torot,” added to be published before making 1940s. three semesters," said student Breuer-College. “There are any major decisions. The Bible “I can’t believe it,” said ar- researcher Isaac Breuer-College also these references peppered department, meanwhile, has cheologist Washington Heights (IBC ‘22). throughout to ‘benei or,’ ‘benei commented that they have no Jones. “This will hopefully clear Breuer-College further told belia’al,’ and ‘benei choshech,’ plans at this moment to add the up so much about the rules of The Elevatator that it is widely which we believe to be referring Constitution to any syllabi, as Yeshiva University.” believed among the researchers to the student government, the they want to keep the difficulty The person who discovered that several of the phrases and Official YU Meme page, and of classes in the department at a the Constitution, who wishes to characters that appear in the Touro University — we’re just reasonable level. remain anonymous, says that he manuscript refer to people in the not sure which is which at the “Honestly, I’ve looked at the went into the cave to get out of institution today. For example, moment.” thing and I’m surprised the stu- the sun, and almost used the an- the “moreh tzedek” that appears While the team is not done dents are making any headway cient scroll to wipe the sweat off several times in the manuscript interpreting it yet, they were sur- into it at all,” said Professor his face before he realized what could be talking about Dr. Moshe prised to note that, much like the Angel (it doesn’t matter which it was. He further commented Bernstein, while the “kohen ha- current form of the Constitution, one). “I wouldn’t wish the task that he’s not sure if he made the rasha” and “ish ha’latzon” refer the original manuscript is mostly of transcribing this on my worst right call to not use it, as from to Vice President Josh Joseph contradictions, mistakes and enemy.” what he hears from students, and President Rabbi Dr. Ari vague phraseology. Several stu- Berman, respectively. The last dent leadership positions are

GPATS Unveils New Baking and Tznius Track

Cookbook.” uniquely special.” RIETS has also expanded its By Basya Jacobson Afternoon halacha seder “This is what GPATS has al- curriculum to include a Tanach will focus exclusively on the ways been intended to be. It was track. “We couldn’t have a In conformance with its long- laws of tznius — the only area only due to shortage in facili- Tanach track before, because stated mission to be an advanced of halacha deemed relevant to ties that we’ve been begrudgingly Tanach was for women,” ex- Bais Yaakov for future house- women. Instead of relevant su- forced to teach women high-level plained RIETS Director Yaakov wives, GPATS is adding to its gyos in Brachos and Kiddushin, talmud and halacha. But I’m Schenirer while affixing a “NO current Talmud and Tanach talmidot will study from “Oz glad this has finally been recti- GIRLZ ALLOWED” sign to the tracks with a new “Baking and V’Hadar Levusha,” “Halichos fied,” elaborated GPATS rebbe Glueck Beit Midrash. “But now Tznius” track. Bas Yisroel,” and that random Rabbi Kahn. “After over 30 years that women have been rightfully Instead of a talmud-based pamphlet from your morah in dedicated to teaching women relegated to baking and tznius, morning seder in the beit mi- Bais Yaakov. advanced talmud, I can finally it is safe to teach tanach in our drash, talmidot will have morn- Director of GPATS Nechama return to my passion of baking.” sacred masculine space of the ing seder in the new kitchen Price explained that this was long Some, however, were not yeshiva.” facilities in Schottenstein Hall, overdue. “It should be a neces- pleased. “It’s not assur per se to When prospective RIETS stu- where they will make their sity to have a Baking and Tznius teach women baking and tznius,” dent Mo Kadosh (MYP ‘20) was way through all the “Kosher by track, especially because a lot commented RIETS Rosh Yeshiva approached with this new pos- Design” cookbooks. Advanced of our students plan to go into Rabbi Kahn, “but I’m not sure sibility of a talmud-free Tanach students will also complete housewifery or chinuch, includ- they’re learning it for the right track, he laughed. “No one will “The Silver Platter” and “Perfect ing teaching tznius after GPATS. reasons.” ever take a yeshiva program seri- Flavors”. There’s an optional The opportunity to seriously Now that talmud and tanach ously if it’s not based in talmud night seder bekius program study baking b’chavruta under have been safely reclaimed from study,” commented Kadosh. as well in “The Bais Yaakov expert scholars is something the clutches of uppity women, “You might as well go to IBC.” 24 Wednesday, March 17, 2020