Your son has been wrapping his arm in strap-like objects since he’s 9. He understands every black hat nuance known to mankind. And now finally the big day is approaching. Whether this is your first or fifth bar mitzvah, you’ve never made one for this child. So it’s special. But the planning is still an organizational feat that can be helped with some strategy, guidance, and thorough checklists. Which you’ll find here.

Things to do Order Tefillin

Most of your planning happens in the months before the bar mitzvah. But the tefillin must be ordered at least a year in advance. The exact timing will depend on your sofer’s (scribe) schedule and availability. Give yourself time to find the right sofer either by contacting sofrim directly or through sochrei stam (agents), who work with several sofrim.

A socher oversees all components of the tefillin: the parshiyos (parchment), batim (square black leather boxes), and the retzuos (black leather straps) and delivers a finished product. Things to consider:  Working directly with a sofer means that you order the parshiyos from him and the batim and retzuos separately from a batim macher (a box maker). The final price is based on the quality and hiddur (level of halachic stringencies) of each of the components and the quality of the ksav (the actual letters).  Which ksav? Before you approach a sofer know which ksav (writing) you want for your son’s tefillin. The minhagim are ksav Ari or ksav Beis Yosef.  Left or right? The sofer or socher must know whether your son is right or left handed. They’ll take care of the rest.

Shaarei Bar Mitzvah courses

Bar mitzvah boys can learn hilchos tefillin and hashkafa about becoming a bar mitzvah in these popular one month courses. The classes usually meet once a week after school and offer litvish and chassidish tracks. They are highly recommended by many schools.

Learning to Lein

How much a bar mitzvah boy leins (reads from the Torah) will depend on family and shul minhagim, his ability, and his personal preference. But no matter what you decide, a bar mitzvah teacher can teach him his parshah, the maftir, and/or the haftarah. Every community and every shul has experienced teachers. Boys who know the trop and can prepare on their own may just need to meet with a teacher for a few adjustments before the big day.

The celebrations

There’s lots of opportunity to celebrate a bar mitzvah boy! The hanachas tefillin, the seudas mitzvah and seudas chaveirim, the kabbalos hapanim, and of course Shabbos. Every community and every family has different minhagim and those can even change over time. Hanachas tefillin

A boy usually starts laying tefillin a month before his 13th birthday. This gives him a chance to practice and become proficient at the mitzvah. It’s a special occasion and is marked by a small celebration in shul, with your family’s Rebbe if you’re chassidish, or at the Kosel (popular among foreigners who come to Israel to celebrate).

Afterward, boys usually make a l’chaim with their teacher and friends in school. Either ask your son what the boys bring or check with the school. Generally it's: a simple wine and/or grape juice, liqueur, rugelach or other mezonos, shot glasses, napkins, and drinks.

Seudas mitzvah and seudas chaveirim

The bo bayom in the US is called a seudas mitzvah or seudas chaverim in Israel and is once again governed by the school’s policy or family and community minhagim. If it works out, some families make the community reception on the boy’s actual birthday. Others have only a family seudas mitzvah and a community dessert reception. And then some make a seudas chaveirim for the boy’s class and a reception for the family and community. The options sometimes feel endless and it can take months and hours of discussion to make a final decision. Most boys, however, will want to do whatever their classmates are doing.

Once you decide, you’ll want to book a venue, a caterer or a party planner, a band, create a guest list, and make invitations. You really should book a hall as early as a year in advance and no later than six months. Dates fill up quickly and you’ll want to be sure to tag">get yours.

Pshettel (Torah discourse)

At some point in the celebrations, either at the seudas mitzvah or on Shabbos, your son will be expected to deliver a mini d'var Torah on a subject relevant to becoming a bar mitzvah, often the laws of tefillin or davening. Usually an adult works with the boy and even crafts the speech and teaches it to him until he understands and can deliver it smoothly. This is a wonderful opportunity for your son to thank anyone he wants, especially his parents, out of town family and guests, his Rebbi, Rav, and anyone else who helped him get ready. Check with your son to see if he needs your help with this.

Shabbos

The aliyah l’Torah is an exciting, emotional time for you, your son, and the whole family. After all the preparation and practice (you probably know the portion by heart as well at this point), he’s about to enter the shul as a full-fledged member who can daven from the amud.

Every shul has different bar mitzvah minhagim. One of the fun ones is throwing (soft) pekalach or candies from the women’s section into the men’s section after the main Torah reading. You’ll want to prepare these in advance and have a young girl pass them around before your son finishes his bracha. Then watch them fly.

A kiddush follows, either in shul or a hall, for men only or for everyone, and each seuda is like a mini- celebration with extended family and friends joining. Depending on their size, some or all of the seudas can be professionally catered or homemade and designed by family and/or friends. Shabbos is another opportunity to celebrate your son and make him happy. Here’s a checklist to help you get ready for Shabbos:

Reserve a caterer and choose a menu. (If self-catering, make a menu and start cooking early. (.Ask friends/family for help Hire waiters Invite guests Find apartments for guests Plan the kiddush following davening with a caterer/party planner or do it yourself. You can always consult with an artistic friend to help set it up. You’ll need cakes, cookies, salads, fruit platters, kugels, cholent, wine, grape juice or wine, liquor, drinks, tablecloths, paper goods, . waiters, etc . For the seudas, decide on tablecloths and regular dishes or paper goods, or a combination Shopping list: plates, fish plates, dessert plates, napkins, cutlery, cups, wine glasses, l’chaim cups, centerpieces, serving dishes and cutlery, hot plates, garbage bags, foil dishes, tin foil, coffee, tea essence, sugar, hot cups, teaspoons, drinks. Buy baked goods, chips, nuts, fruits, and . chocolates for post seudah refreshments Make soft pekalach to throw into the men’s section following the aliyah l’Torah Organize food/treats and a welcome kit for each guest apartment Print a Shabbos schedule with the addresses of the shul and venue for meals, including a map if . necessary. Put it in the guest’s welcome kit. Put the address of each guest apartment on the map : Make sure to bring the following to the hall before Shabbos

o kiddush cup, challah cover, board, and knife, salt shaker, wine, grape juice, havdalah items, garbage bags, containers for leftovers, benchers. Go through each meal and anticipate what you will need at the hall. Open all the packages before Shabbos.  Contact potential speakers and arrange a speaking schedule for each seudah. General shopping list

 Tefillin  Tefillin bag  Shabbos suit and shoes (or levush) according to your minhag  Weekday hat and Shabbos hat  Davening jacket for weekdays and school  Gartel, if applicable  Tallis, if applicable  White shirts: In some schools in Israel bar mitzvah boys start wearing only white shirts.  Clothing for the rest of the family

You and your son have reached a beautiful milestone together. May he always be a source of Yiddishe nachas to you, the community, and Hakadosh Baruch Hu.

We would like to thank the Newcomer’s Guide for the use of their Bar Mitzvah Guide as the source for this one. The Newcomer’s Guide is a comprehensive, trusted reference for English speakers in Israel that provides information, phone numbers, and more to accompany you through the ins and outs of life in a foreign country. They can be found at www.newcomersguide.co.il or reached at [email protected], 1-599-500-605.