HE ORONATATOR T The Partially C Dependent Absurdity of Zoom University © VOL. LXXXVI TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 2021 PURIM ISSUE Chassidim infamously protested last year’s chag hasemicha by dancing in front of the musmachim. VOLOZHIN YESHIVA One can see the “Snags” walking in orderly formation, undeterred by the yoideling yoiles. Full story on page 3. Einstein Partners with RIETS to Create Labster Medical Track for Kohanim By JOSEPH PRIESTLY The Rabbi Isaac Elchanan Theological Seminary (RIETS) and Albert Einstein College of Medicine will be creating a joint program this coming Fall for Kohanim who can’t attend regular medical school due to tumah issues. The entire program will consist of Labsters, the universally beloved virtual lab simulation. Kohanim who are interested in the medical field have not been able to matriculate at regular medical schools due to the biblical prohibi- tion of becoming tamei met. Therefore, this program was created to allow them to attend medical school without coming into contact with any parts of a dead body. The program’s schedule will consist of shiur for four hours every morning, Labsters in the afternoon and night seder. Israel credits can be transferred to The new medical track has attracted many faces. RABBI YITZCHOK KOHN Continued on Page 3 CAMPUS CULTURE | 5 DONUTS DEPT. | 9 MOMENTARY REFLECTIONS | 12 DRAMATIC FEAUTURETTE | 15 The Green Smiley is #Canceled YSU Student Sues Office of Student Gripes "Racism is Bad" Ammendment Rejected "Off the Record" 2 From the Redditor's Desk Tuesday , February 23, 2021 THE CORONATATOR FROM THE REDDITOR'S DESK 2019-???? Ode to a Presidency Editor-in-Chief JOJO D'PALLENDROME my administration,” he told me. “How her with a rosh yeshiva appointment By JOJO D’PALLENDROME would you like to be in my position?!” instead. Not sure what position she’d And thus, this anonymous president of want more, but it should work. Managing Editor Soooo … I’m looking for a job. University sparked my dream of enter- I announce today the planned merg- EVEN SHE DOESN'T Originally, I wanted to go to law school, ing University politics. I will forever be er of Communist kinetic vehicle of pro- KNOW HER NAME but after learning that I was too lazy to grateful to him. paganda YUNews and The Coronatater. study for the LSAT, I chose to take a At the end of the day, a prospective Fruli Sruchter and Shared Jarf, our “gap year.”What I am going to do dur- president has to secure the approval current news editors and besties since News ing that gap year was anyone’s guess, of the University Board of Trustees. I Eretz HaKoidesh, will be happy to serve Senior Editor Junior Editor but after deep contemplation, I figured think I could do this: All I need to do as unpaid interns under the leadership BARNACLE BOY CHIEF RABBI out that I want to be the president of is get my uncle on the board and he’ll of Hechal Mass and Soron Dern. University. put in a good word for me — isn’t that The purpose of The Coronatater will Features Senior Editor Junior Editor I have a talent for filling up space with nothing of substance or worth. YSU PREXY AGENT OF SHIELD WANNABE MANUEL DELOOL Some might say this move is unprec- how this works? shift under my presidency. It will be a edented. I would rejoinder with the idea If appointed president of University, mode of “communication” between my Opinions that this is an “unprecedented time” I will not deviate from some precedents office and the students of University. Senior Editor Junior Editors and thus unprecedented measures are set by my predecessor. I will not fail to Previous “Coronie” editors had to wait NISSEL LAUNCHER ARIANA GRANDE'S necessary. After all, “Audentes for- send 30-paragraph-long emails talking for administrators to “circle back” with PUBLICIST tuna iuvat.” The second president of about the relation between the “bright- answers; under my leadership, I will University (and I will insist on saying ness” of Hanukkah to the “robust” at- ensure that this unnecessary process “University”; not the oxymoronic “YU,” mosphere on campus with an update is obviated by the fact that there will Business Heaven forfend), Dr. Bob Bylkan, only regarding indoor housing hidden in be no news to report. Senior Editor Junior Editor just got rabbinical ordination from a paragraph 17. I will not shy away from Since my administration hopes to YAAKOV LAVIAN EITAN METZ Polish hermit before assuming dictato- regularly sending out unnecessary po- not do anything new, there will be no litical messages designed to kowtow purpose to the Coronatater news sec- rial power over the institution. My B.A. Senior Layout Editor in political science will be more than to one political side of the aisle whilst tion. This mutually beneficial arrange- MIKE UH?? sufficient — but not necessary — to take the student body generally represents ment will allow Sruchter and Jarf to the reigns of University. a radically different ideology. Like my study for their LSATs instead of spend- Social Media Manager Some might presume that I got this predecessor, I will be a radical contrar- ing ungodly hours drafting and editing THE BOOK OF SHLEVITICUS fanciful notion from the ever-continu- ian. “Aquila non capit muscas” is my Coronatater articles. ing campaign of Lessadeath Wise for motto, though some might describe me I should be a relatively successful the vice presidency. While I would wel- as “barba tenus sapientes.” University president. After all, as this Website Manager come him as my underling, he did not Once I am president, I assume redditorial shows, I have a talent for MR. CHUTTER CHEESE inspire me. E contrario, what set me some might call for my resignation as filling up space with nothing of sub- on this crossing of the Rubicon were redditor-in-chief of The Coronatater stance or worth, one of the most desir- Business Manager the words of one current University (#CoronieToTheMoon). Perhaps Elli- ous talents in a president — especially MYER DARKSON president — who would prefer to stay 7 Kohnflakes, the current “Coronie” when compiling a Purim issue. anonymous; a request which I will party-planner and HR manager, might honor — indicating that there is room show interest in such a tactic in order Alea iacta est. Layout Staff for another leader of University. to achieve the coveted top redditorial DEBORAH COOPERSMITH, “Your newspaper endlessly bashes position. I’m sure I’ll be able to bribe RAFI ISAHAPPYCAMPER, THE BOOK OF SHLEVITICUS Staff Writers DEBORAH COOPERSMITH, SAM'S CUZ, TRIPLE-A SAM, ZACHARY GREENBERG, RIKKI KOLODONY, YONATAN KURZ, AKIVA LEVY, RAPHI SINGER, ALEXANDER WILDES The Coronatator is the student shtickpaper of Yeshiva University. For some time, The Coronatator has served students and administrators as an invaluable repository of cutting-edge theological and scientific knowledge pertaining to recalcitrant viruses of all sizes, a kinetic vehicle disseminating antibodies across the student bodies; and an unreliable reflection of Yeshiva student life to the broader Jewish and American communities. The Coronatator staff claims students spanning the diverse spectrum of backgrounds and beliefs represented at Yeshiva. We are united by our passion for living the ideals of Torah Umadda, and a commitment to journalistic excellence. UNIVERSITY PRODUCTIONS D’Pallendrome and the anonymous University president shake hands at the Visit us online at annual Hannukah Conclave. PJ looks on in wonderment at his successors. www.yucommentator.org. Tuesday, February 23, 2021 News? 3 HaKol Kol Yaakov: The Truth Behind the Z’miros Protocols all singing. When asked, Menachem Mendel went around that this was because he did not against the desires of the roshei yeshiva, who (SSSB ’21) claimed, “It is clear that they just have a good voice,” said Bobovitch, “but it would all rather have davening be six hours By MISS NAGGED don’t like the Chassidish movement that is really was because he was a Misnagged and longer. As expressed by HaRav HaGaon As was determined on the week of Nov. taking place. The YU rebbeim clearly have a hated the idea of singing being a meaningful HaRav Zatzal (Shlit”a), “We should be in 7, singing will henceforth be banned in all Misnagdish approach to all of their Judaism, Jewish experience.” In fact, another rabbi, the beis davening all day if we can, and it is YU buildings. The statement that was pre- and want us to stop singing altogether!” Rav Brisker Zalman Shmeltzer agreed with a shame that we can no longer sing. I loved sented at the time from YU’s lead doctor, Dr. Similar sentiments were shared by many this interpretation of the R’ Chaim story, delaying the davening solely so that we can Von Aufshnitt explained as follows: “Due from the Neo-Chassidic community that and added, “We probably should look back pour our souls into our spiritual teapots.” to the ongoing pandemic and uncertainty has developed on campus, including Lou to our roots in the Soloveitchik dynasty. However, not all of the rebbeim of YU do of the time, it is of utmost importance to believe that davening should be made longer. remain careful about all Covid rules, espe- “The Rav would never have approved singing, and we too should Rabbi Eminem, who was eating a wrap at the cially singing, which could create a spread time of the interview told The Coronatater, of both Covid, and blown out eardrums. avoid singing on all accounts in order to follow the Daas Torah “Make sure that the record shows that I was So, after much discussion with both the eating a wrap at the time of this interview.” of our founder and rebbi.”