Kol Hamishtakker Ingredients Kol Hamishtakker Volume III, Issue 5 February 27, 2010 The Student Thought Magazine of the 14 Adar 5770 University Student body Paul the Apostle 3 Qrum Hamevaser: The Jewish Thought Magazine of the Qrum, by the Qrum, and for the Qrum Staph Dover Emes 4 Reexamining the Halakhot of -hood Editors-in-Chief The Vatikin (in Italy) 4 The End of an Era Sarit “Mashiah” Bendavid Shaul “The Enforcer” Seidler-Feller Ilana Basya “Tree Pile” 5 Cherem Against G-Chat Weitzentraegger Gadish Associate Editors Ilana “Good Old Gad” Gadish Some Irresponsible Feminist 7 A Short Proposal for Female Shlomo “Yam shel Edmond” Zuckier (Pseudonym: Stephanie Greenberg)

Censorship Committee Jaded Narrative 7 How to Solve the Problem of Shomer R’ M. Joel Negi’ah and Enjoy Life Better R’ Eli Baruch Shulman R’ Nathaniel Jaret 8 The Shiddukh Crisis Reconsidered: A ‘Plu- ral’istic Approach Layout Editor Menachem “Still Here” Spira Alex Luxenberg 9 Anu Ratzim, ve-Hem Shkotzim: Keeping with Menachem Butler Copy Editor Benjamin “Editor, I Barely Even Know Her!” Abramowitz Sheketah Akh Katlanit 11 New Dead Sea Sect Found Editors Emeritus [Denied Tenure (Due to Madoff)] Alex Luxenberg 13 OH MY G-DISH!: An Interview with Kol R’ Hamevaser Associate Editor Ilana Gadish Alex Sonnenwirth-Ozar Friedrich Wilhelm Benjamin 13 Critical Studies: The Authorship of the Staph Writers von Rosenzweig “Documentary Hypothesis” Wikipedia Arti- A, J, P, E, D, and R Berkovitz cle Chaya “Peri Ets Hadar” Citrin Shalom Carmy 14 u-Media: A Survey of Stories True, Jake “Gush Guy” Friedman Historical, and Carmesian Nicole “Home of the Olympics” Grubner Nate “The Negi’ah Guy” Jaret Chaya Citrin 15 Kol Hamevater: A New Jewish Thought Ori “O.K.” Kanefsky Magazine of the Student Alex “Grand Duchy of” Luxenberg Body Emmanuel “Flanders” Sanders Yossi “Chuent” Steinberger Noam Friedman 15 CJF Winter Missions Focus On Repairing Jonathan “’Lil ‘Ling” Zirling the World

Disgraced Former Staph Writers Dr. Fish 16 One , Two Jew Yoni “See Jay Eff Junior” Brandler Anonymous 16 Dr. Seuss’ “The Matter with Madda” Webmeister, Shlit”a Ben Kandel, N”Y Dr. Shmuess 17 “Bistu Modernish?”/ “Are You Modern Or- thodox?”: A Cautionary Tale (with a Bit of Cover Design Social Commentary) from the Vimsical Velt Yehezkel “Carlton” Carl “Carlson” of Dr. Schmuess

A Newswriter with No Bias 21 Panel Convened on the Topic of Coveting About Coal Hammy Vasser Wives Coal Hammy Vasser was established two and a half years ago by a few guys searching for meaning and philophosy. They embarked on a journey of Yossi Steinberger 21 Cholent: A Short Story supererogatory and biblical proportions, spanning the globe in their search for a Torah u-Madda belief system that would ennable and ennoble, ennible Moishie Dokterlawyerstein 22 Ultra-Orthodoxee Meets Ultra-Orthodoxtree and enneble, enfeeble like a shtiebel, and be filling like a fliegel. In this en- deavor, they entrusted members (and memberettes) of both campi as their trusted servants and steeds, heeding both philosophy and pragmatism, Ha- This magazine may or may not contain words of Torah, lakhah and melakhah, and all other things goodly in their quest for the heylige grail of TuM. Oh, and on they wrote articles making fun of everything depending on which of the Rashei Yeshivah you hold YU, with a kernel of truth so strong it could never be ignored. Kol ha-Mish- takker, all who smashed, is meant to connect you to hundreds of years of like, and please treat it accordingly (i.e., either respect Hamevaser tradition in the Purim spirit of nikhnas yayin, yatsa sod, and we hope you are all the (spiritually) richer for it. it or burn it). 2 www.kolhamevaser.com Volume III, Issue 5 Purim Issue

Qrum Hamevaser: The Jewish Thought Magazine of Hammurabi the Qrum, by the Qrum, and for the Qrum Halocho Yomis BY: Paul the Apostle found a Haredi lifestyle-dropout, several KBY- turned-Gush guys, and even a few subscribers As is well known in yeshivah circles, to the Talmudic maxim “These and those are i See Tiqqunei , tiqqun 21, the source of Purim is a time for reflection, both on one’s the words of the Living God.”xi Others point to the adage we all learned in elementary school past deeds and on the events of the day itself the lack of faculty oversight, arguing that col- that Yom ha-Kippurim is only ke-Purim in its (assuming one retains the necessary level of lege students should not be entrusted with the religious significance. This comparison takes consciousness to do so).i With that in mind, the awesome power of editorship and publication. on new meaning for anyone who has experi- Editorial Staff of Kol Hamevaser has decided Because of these concerns and the above- enced the Wilf Campus Purim Hagigah with it proper to conduct a thorough heshbon ha-ne- mentioned disturbing trends of qrumqayt in the its uplifting, morally edifying entertainment fesh and viddui at this point in the year, survey- ranks of Kol Hamevaser, the magazine’s edi- and festivities. ing its many successes and many more failures torship has decided to implement some slight ii Ilana Gadish, “‘He Made a Snail, Which is in an effort to build towards the future. policy changes. Not only is the Staff being Helpful for Curing a Scab…’ Medical Animal Thank God, we have, so far, made some completely revamped and started afresh, but no Testing and Halakhah,” Kol Hamevaser 3,1 impressive strides in educating the Yeshiva one from anywhere to the left of ToMo and the (September 2009): 19-20. University student population through interest- Mir will be allowed on it.xii In addition, the of- iii Nicole Grubner, “‘Am le-Badad Yishkon:’ ing and thought-provoking articles on topics ficial language of the magazine will be nehep- Must the Singular Nation Always Reside ranging from the ethics of medical animal ach to a more heymishe shprach than the Alone?,” Kol Hamevaser 3,2 (November testingii to the singularity of the Jewish tomei, metuov one that it currently publishes 2009): 10-11. people,iii from the nature of biblical interpreta- iv Ori Kanefsky, “Bible Study: Interpretation tioniv to the obsoleteness of the Hasid-Mit- and Experience,” Kol Hamevaser 3,3 (Decem- “If a judge tries a case, reaches a decision, and nagged divide.v Authors have expressed ber 2009): 19-20. presents his judgment in writing; and later it themselves learnedly, passionately, and mean- v Periel Shapiro, “Hasidim: The Aharonim of is discovered that his decision was in error, ingfully throughout their pieces and have con- Torat Nistar,” Kol Hamevaser 3,4 (February and it was his own fault, he shall pay twelve tributed to a vibrant, intellectual discourse on 2010): 14-15. times the fine set by him in the case and be re- campus in ways heretofore unknown to YU. vi Some attribute the increases to an article by moved from the judge’s bench.” People talk about Kol Hamevaser wherever Nesanel Ferret, “A Halakhic Approach to they are – during hazarat ha-Shats, during Dropping Shemirat Negi’ah Like It’s Hot,” but We see from this makor the very important “batling time” time in the beit, and even during others claim it has more to do with the uptick chashivus of being very makpid on what you those precious few moments in between in male-female havrutot at non-denomina- write. As Reb Chayyim once said, not every- classes – because it has become a symbol of tional yeshivot in the New York area. In any thing should be thought; not everything tolerance, intellectual honesty, and freedom of case, the advent of women’s ordination cannot thought should be said; not everything said expression. have helped this process – “ki Rabba ha-‘azu- should be written down; and not everything And yet, the publication is by no means vah be-kerev ha-’Arets.” written down should be published. And if this perfect, nor is it universally liked. Indeed, vii See Emmanuel Sanders, “Be Not Overly is true for merely publishing, kal vachoymer while Kol Hamevaser’s openness has facili- Modest: Tseni’ut and the Inability to Speak how much it’s true legabei pesak din. This is tated dialogue on a whole range of important About Sex,” Kol Hamevaser 3,2 (November the yesoid behind R. Hammurabi’s halocho of issues in the Orthodox and broader Jewish 2009): 13-14. It should be noted that while the the day. communities, it has also, along the way, led to author does not explicitly endorse these behav- some unexpectedly negative results. The iors in his piece, his mention of them has been paper’s detractors point to the fact that, during taken by some as implicit agreement, a strategy this year alone, Kol Hamevaser articles have in, so that no gayimxiii will be able to partake. adopted by some local newspapers in encouraged an unprecedented amount of de- The paper will primarily publish kol koreis (mis)construing public figures’ words. viant behavior and thought. The length of lines from the Rashei Yeshivah as well as Friday viii For more information on this, please contact at miqva’ot, number of dates, and the night divrei Torah and it will, farshteyt zich, be [email protected]. rate of pre-marital pregnancy have all shot up under the strict hashgoche of the RIETS ad- ix Implicated articles include anything written this year.vi More and more people have been ministration. Even the most noki of the by Reuven “Benedict” Rand, Eli Putterman, caught sneaking under their ’s beds to nekiyyei hadaas Shebiyerusholoyim will be and/or AJ Berkovitz. find out about the intricacies of Hilkhot willing to sign on to this publication; es veln x The R-V, “A Yid iz Geglichn tzu a Seyfer Tseni’ut.vii In addition, YU’s retention rate has zayn nisht keyn tarumeys af dem. Toyre, part IV,” Kol Hamevaser 3,4 (February dropped drastically, with disillusioned stu- My broche to all of you this Purim is that 2010): 18-19, at p. 18. Opponents of this view dents, having realized the extent of the gap be- we should all be zeyche to be meshabed our- have claimed that the heylige R-V would never tween their personal hashqafot and those of selves to the eyl malchus Shomayim and, have used those words – that the translator their rabbe’im, dropping out of the institution bizchus dem, veln mir ale zeyche zayn tzu zeyn must have inserted them himself in order to by the dozen.viii Worse yet, kefirah has reared di teg fun Moshiech Tzidkeynu bimheyre push his own agenda. No definitive conclusion its ugly head on campus, claiming the thought veyeymeynu, Omeyn. has been reached, as of now, to this question. of youth everywhere.ix Some have even come xi Gittin 6b. away from reading Kol Hamevaser with the Paul the Apostle recently converted to xii Obviously, the female contingent of the Kol impression that women should and must learn Christianity from after taking Dr. Hamevaser Staff will be discontinued, though Torah!x Chaviva Levin’s “Conversions in Medieval Eu- not much missed; it’s not like girls write arti- To what can we attribute these recent de- rope” course in Yeshiva College. He is trying cles for us anyway! velopments? What about the paper is so qrum to return to the Jewish community through his xiii Since this is a Litvishe yeshivah, Litvishe ha- that it has led to such heresy and heterodoxy? involvement in Kol Hamevaser, but it seems voreys will be expected of all talmidim. Some would place the blame on the Staff. After that he has hurt, rather than helped, his situa- all, among the members of the Staff can be tion by doing so.

Volume III, Issue 5 www.kolhamevaser.com 3 Kol Hamishtakker Reexamining the Halakhot of Maharat -hood The End of an Era BY: Dover Emes Yonatan ben Uzziel. It is because of this that BY: The Vatikin (in Italy) Torah u-Madda, religious study and general R. Moshe rejects the , quoting as a culture, Catholic and frume saintliness, source Chajes who, in turn, quotes and achilas Yoshke and teshuvas ha-mishkal Recently, with the advent of Yeshivat Ma- Mendelssohn. Hence, we can reject the his May, Yeshiva College will see the nusah Yeshu all benefited in proportion. harat, a new set of halakhic questions have position of the Targum. end of an era. Here in Yeshiva Univer- In order to gain a deeper appreciation for arisen. Perhaps the most intriguing is whether The third issue is that of tseni’ut. As we Tsity, we pride ourselves on being open- Josh’s greatness before he leaves the hallowed or not a man can be ordained as a Maharat all know, there is an obligation to be modest minded, broadminded, pluralistic and tolerant. halls of Yeshiva College, and perhaps give fu- (Manhig Hilkhati Ruhani Torani). For obvious and not to do things that will call undo atten- In this vein, faculty and students alike have ture students at Yeshiva a true model of the reasons, this question finds no explicit mention tion to oneself. While there are sources indi- been extremely proud to have greatness in our Torah u-Madda values which we all hold so in the , , or even the Aha- cating that women should have a heightened midst: I speak, of course, of Josh Lustiger. dear, Kol Hamevaser decided to interview Josh ronim. Thus, in the absence of a precedent, we sense of tseni’ut, the basic obligation applies Josh, you see, comes from a family which and present some of the highlight-experiences must attempt to analyze the relevant legal and to both men and women. That being the case, any YC student should envy. Josh’s family has which he remembers fondly from his upbring- philosophical principles and thus discern what it is possible to argue that if a man would want achieved the ultimate synthesis of their ancient ing. the Da’as Torah would say about the issue, if to be the first Maharat, especially amidst the Jewish roots and worldliness. Better than vis- The first story Josh shared from his life only they would have been zokheh to see this controversy it would arouse, it would be a vi- iting a brothel in the quest for tikkun olam; bet- history goes back 1994. Josh was still phenomenon. olation of tseni’ut. However, while that may The first issue is that of serarah. We be the case, it seems that the fence has already know that there is prohibition for a woman to been breached – ha-geder nifrats – by the in- be a king, and Rambam extends this to all po- stitution of Maharat in the first place, and thus sitions of power. However, clearly the institu- I do not think that a further expansion would tion of Maharat does not violate serarah, or constitute a violation of tseni’ut. else no one could have established it as a posi- The real problem here may be that the po- tion for women. Although we cannot find any sition Maharat no longer exists. Since Sara sources that would legitimate having a woman Hurwitz has been renamed “Rabba,” there is take such a position, we see that many rabbinic no such thing as a Maharat anymore. One authorities i have established it. That being the could posit that there exists some theoretical case, we can assume that this has taken the sta- Maharat in the world of ideas, but, as the only tus of a vatik (an ancient custom), manifestation of Maharat in this world was which Maharik describes as the type of minhag short-lived, I am not sure that there really is that can overturn Halakhah.ii If so, we can call such a thing. It could be that it was just a mis- this non-serarah leadership. However, it take or some transition-stage before the posi- seems clear that just as Rambam prohibits tion of Rosh Yeshivah. There is nothing in the women from taking serarah-like positions of middle, as we have seen: after being ordained leadership, he would prohibit men from assum- as Maharat, was immediately ing non-serarah-like positions. This line of named a Rosh Yeshivah, a feat accomplished reasoning was used by R. Akiva Schlesinger to by few Rabbis in history, which really makes prohibit from learning secular studies. one think. Now, one might say that we should He argued that the reason non-Jews are liable still ask the question and get sakhar for dealing to the death penalty for learning Torah is that with theoretical Torah sugyot, but I think our ter than having sefarim share young then, but he recalls his family visiting they are engaged in that which does not belong time would be better spent dealing with issues library-shelf-space with Spinoza; better than cousins and seeing their decorations. to them. So too, Jews should be liable to the that are actually alibba de-hilkhetah – you having a Super Bowl party right outside the They had the classic pictures up on the wall, death penalty for learning secular subjects, as know, like whether you refer to Sara Hurwitz beit ; even better than having a gay including the Hazon Ish, the Brisker , Rav that is the realm of non-Jews. By the same as “Rabba” while learning a sugya about Rab- panel in a yeshivah – Josh’s family has merged Shach and Rav Elyashiv, and then another guy token, it follows that men should be prohibited bah in the , or whether that would be the heylige Catholic Church with the beit with a nice big beard that looked just like them from taking those positions of non-serarah like calling someone with your father’s name midrash. In Josh’s household, Pope and Rabbi – except that he was wearing a red frock and leadership that are specific to women. by his name while in your father’s presence. share the mantle as the Old and New stand yarmulke instead of their drab black ones. At However, as R. Moshe Feinstein points side-by-side in this family held up as the the time, Josh assumed this was probably a Se- out, Tosafot reject the opinion of Rambam and paragons of true Modern Orthodoxy. faradi rabbi or Chasidic Rebbe of some ob- allow women to take positions of leadership, On one side of Josh’s illustrious family, scure city in Europe. However, after seeing though not the kingship. If so, then there would i When I say many, I of course mean this in the Dr. Arnold Lustiger is world-renowned for his captioned pictures of the Pope visiting our very be no issue of serarah for women and no pro- sense of more than one. In this particular case ability to mesh Yeshiva University’s preemi- own Yeshiva University, Josh realized who ex- hibition of non-serarah leadership for men. I mean two, but trei ke-me’ah. nent personality, Rav Joseph B. Soloveitchik, actly was gracing the walls of his cousin’s The second issue is that of keli gever. In ii Whether or not it is actually overturning Ha- with his own Philadelphia Yeshiva upbringing. sukkah all those years earlier. He realized that the Midrash of Pseudo-Jonathan, there is a pas- lakhah is beyond the scope of this article. Fur- Thus, representing the pinnacle of Orthodox his family had embraced the whole gamut of sage that says that “lo yihyeh keli gever al thermore, whether this can be considered a Judaism, Josh’s uncle functions as the anchor monotheism (or, as Uncle Jean preferred to call ishah”iii refers to the prohibition for women to minhag vatik when it has only existed for a of Traditional Judaism. On the other side, Car- it, monotheism-plus) and could open their arms wear tefillin and tsitsit. Less known is the con- year is questionable. But, let us assume. You dinal Jean Marie Lustiger served as the Arch- to people who wore different colored cloths tinuation of the Midrash that prohibits men know only good things can come of assuming, bishop of Paris for more than twenty years and and yarmulkes. from becoming Maharats, as it is a violation for you and me, ve-hamevin yavin. exposed Josh’s family to a brand new culture Initially, Josh was hesitant. Was it really of “lo yilbash gever simlat ishah.” It is pas- iii Devarim 22:5. and world of ideas and religious views. Thus, okay to be so nice? Aren’t we taught that we sages like this one that lead people to assume Josh grew up in a household where these two are right and everyone else is incorrect? How that Targum Yonatan is, in fact, a late commen- giants of their respective religions were each can we respect people who look so different? tary, and was not actually written by R. held in great esteem, and it is clear that his It just seemed so wrong!

4 www.kolhamevaser.com Volume III, Issue 5 Purim Issue Later, however, Josh recovered from his as being solid examples of age-old traditions brief lapse into insanity and was blessed with which will never change. Still, he argued, the a deep appreciation for the true gifts he was re- very fact that things can change so drastically Cherem Against ceiving from his bi-religious and scarring-for- in the Jewish community is reflective of a life experience. You see, Josh is blessed with larger tendency towards evolution and devel- a computer, and, upon Googling “Christian- opment. Thus, he concluded by saying that if Jewish relations,” he came across an article by MishpachaTM can feature a front-page article G-chat the Center for the Jewish Future about tikkun that distorts Rav Schachter and the Rav, the BY: Ilana Basya “Tree Pile” Torah. Sites on the internet that are toxic to a olam explaining the importance of embracing Church can say whatever it wants to about the Weitzentraegger Gadish yiddishe neshama run the gamut from Face- everyone – from prostitutes in Thailand (or Jews and God – regardless of accuracy. book to YouTube, wikipedia.com to JOFA.org, anywhere else, for that matter) to our Christian Further, as Josh replayed that fateful and of course, the most detrimental of all, kol- neighbors. In addition, he found an article in seder night in his head, he vividly remembered horrible evil has befallen Am Yisroel. hamevaser.com. But beyond all of these assur the Jewish Theological Seminary weekly pub- the remarkable way it all ended. Following the Greater than all other evils imagina- forms of internet use, one stands alone in its lication praising Yeshiva University for com- early tension, the seder continued quickly and Able. More detrimental to klal Yisroel ability to destroy Am Yisroel. This great evil is ing out of the cave and allowing the Church awkwardly (as tends to happen when people than all these evils combined: Television. Avo- destroying the yesod of Yahadus as we know dignitaries to spend time enjoying the sights, share personal and provocative ideas – instead dah Zarah sheitls. Academic it. It is the most prominent cause of hirhurim sounds and smells of lovely Washington of a gematriya they read in a mass e-mail devar (lo !). Those not-quite-but-almost-three- assurim (as opposed to hirhurim mutarim, Heights. Moreover, and perhaps most impor- torah) until after Shulhan Orekh. Josh recalls quarter-sleeved shirts. Jewish “thought” mag- which are halakhically allowed according to tantly, Josh discovered heated debates in the his cousin opening the door for Eliyyahu and azines. Britney Spears. Women’s “learning” the shitta found in “Ma Yedidus“ii). The de- comments sections of curiousjew.blogspot Uncle Jean getting very excited because he (chas ve-shalom!). Culture. Artscroll . structive force threatening to cause the final .com and hirhurim.blogspot.com which opened thought that his arguments had convinced Ben Yehuda. Feathered headbands. Spicy dissolution of Am Yisroel is the flagrant obses- up his eyes to what a blessing he had. Sud- everyone to accept Jesus and await the Second cholent. YSTUDS and SSTUDS and all other sion with one of the most evil innovations of denly, he realized he did not have another one Coming. (Uncle Jean even thought they were of those run-of-the-mill families that paid lip- getting a cup of blood ready for Jesus in case service to Torah u-Madda and Modern Ortho- he needed a transfusion). However, after Dr. doxy. Rather, his family was the real deal; they Lustiger realized the mistake he disabused really opened their doors to anything and Uncle Jean of his idea and explained that ever everything, priding themselves on their fabu- since Dr. Berger delegitimized Chabad, lous breadth and openness. nobody in YU believes in Second Comings, On a somewhat different note, Josh re- Tehiyyat ha-Metim, Hannukah, spirituality, or marked that even in such a tolerant, open- keiruv rehokim. minded and modern family as his own, To close this appreciate-Torah-u- tensions do rise. It was Pesach 2003 and both Madda-Yeshiva-University-tolerance-moment, sides of his family’s most esteemed religious we asked Josh if he had any advice to the fu- devotees were present. The tension, Josh re- ture of Modern Orthodoxy. He responded that called, began at the very beginning when the after reminiscing about these memories, which Jewish side of the family explained that be- are so close to his heart, he only asks that “the cause the redemption of the Jewish people YU community forget their biases, stop being from Egypt marked an eternal covenant be- bigots and leave the bullying to Lakewood – tween God and the Jews, nothing in the Jewish we’re the tolerant ones, after all.” community would ever change. Jean Marie, however, countered that although mainstream Judaism – following the Hatam ’s maxim that “hadash asur min ha-Torah” – abhors al- terations, there are certain Jews who believe that such kefiradik things as change are possi- st ble. He proceeded to cite a number of exam- kinds of YU studs. Seminary choir competi- the 21 century: G-chat. ples of totally new, innovative Jewish ideas – tions. Slits in skirts. Chochmas Yevanis, from G-chat, like Pesach trips to Miami, pro- Rav Hayyim’s derekh, Da’as Torah, Torah u- Aristotle to all Malcolm Gladwell books. motes pritzus amongst klal isroel in its ability Madda, Academic Jewish Studies, Nagel Coasting. Co-ed gatherings at the Jewish to enable intermingling of the sexes (lo Bagel, gedolim stories instead of night seder Scholarship table at the Seforim Sale. “Amen” aleinu). G-chat also has dangerous effects on and Rashei Yeshiva getting their own offices – parties. Jewish rock music. the body similar to those of alcohol, affecting as well as a number of things in everyday Ju- What is the biggest issue facing the Jew- the frontal cortex causing compromised judg- iii daism which seem to be in a continual state of ish community today? Surprisingly enough, it ment. One of the worst manifestations of the flux, such as the beard-length of Simcha Gross is not the feathered headbands, or the bad Jew- alcohol-like effects of G-chat is excess laugh- and Rav Twersky (both of whom also happen ish music, or any of the other, terrible and hor- ter that is experienced during these sin-ridden to wear white socks), the number of open seats rific nisyonos mentioned above. This evil is G-chat conversations, often expressed in writ- in the beit midrash, how much money YU lost obviously not something futile, such as ten forms such as “hahaha,” “hehe,” or “rotfl.” in the Madoff scandal, YU’s fifth year schol- whether homosexuality in the Orthodox com- Worst of all, G-chat is causing people to have arship policy and whether there will be table- munity should be discussed openly or pri- “lol malchut shamayim,” instead of ol malchut cloths this in Glueck. Moreover, he vately, or the heated debate over MaHaRa”T shamayim. i noted that there are even certain concepts in Ju- vs. Rabbah vs. EChSo”M , nor does it have Furthermore, G-chat is clearly bittul iv daism which are constantly changing, citing anything to do with Chabad. The greatest evil Torah, as it takes over a person’s mind, as it the title of Maharat-gone-Rabba (can you hear of today’s world is an awful, treacherous, tech- allows men to speak to people outside of their Rabbi???) Sara Hurwitz as his primary exam- nological innovation that many yidden have beis medrash, which puts them in great sakana ple. Of course, he did observe that many become addicted to. God created all things of discussing things like the weather, how things – such as the stifling heat in the library, with potential for both tov va-ra’, good and somebody else’s day was, world news, humor- girls swarming the library, cheating in YU, YU evil. The internet, for example, has many good ous things, and other dangerous, foreign ideas. rabbeim not being around, broken elevators in uses for a modern day Jew. Some muttar Additionally, it has been revealed that men and Furst, scantily-clad Dean’s secretaries and reg- forms of internet use include: e-daf.com, myz- women discuss Torah over G-chat. This is ut- istrar’s office workers and rising Caf prices – manim.org, OnlySimchas, and sometimes YU- terly distressing, as we know that kol hame-

Volume III, Issue 5 www.kolhamevaser.com 5 Kol Hamishtakker lamed bitto Torah, ke’ilu lomdah tiflusv], one of Faith by the first-wave feminists during the able. The most assur emoticons are: the wink vember 1993) p. 29, who teaches his daughter Torah, is as if he early twentieth centuryviii and replaced with ;) the kiss face :* and the heart <3. A recent ar- iii From the unpublished teshuvot of Ma’ayanei teaches her tiflus. If one cannot teach his own Resurrection of the Dead,ix is the principle of ticle discusses the great problem this has Hilkhot ha-Chen. daughter Torah, kal va-homer he cannot dis- kol kevudah bat-melech penimahx, “the glory posed for couples that use G-chat longer than iv Person’s - Ish ve-lo isha, since it is assur for cuss it with some other woman! Such actions of the king’s daughter is within.” If one looks 3 months, as the tayva for emoticons becomes nashim to be involved in any limmud Torah would truly constitute tiflus! at the manuscript containing the accurate gir- too great. The author then maintains that whatsoever. The JPS Gender-sensitive Com- What is tiflus? Two possible meanings sah of Rambam’s Thirteen Principles, one sees TaFoRFEUD”Em constitutes a gezeirah al ha- mentary to this article, however, differs on the can be derived from the word itself. Splitting the lengthy discussion there which explicitly tsibbur she- ha-tsibbur lo yekholin la-amod meaning of the meaning of “person’s.” The the word into two, we see that the two possible states that women should not only remain at bah, a “restriction upon the community that Gender-sensitive Commentary should be offi- meanings of tiflus are “tiff,” and “loose.” Tiff, home, unseen by the public, but should also majority of the community cannot with- cially published in the next few months. what does this mean? That when a woman refrain from expressing themselves verbally or stand.”xiii Consequently, the author calls for the v Sotah 20a. learns Torah, it can only bring a tiff, a quarrel, in writing, if somehow they even know how assembly of a beit din to annul this edict, as it vi Mishlei 23:28. Translation found at: into the world. Clearly, since women are inca- to write.xi G-chat uproots these basic funda- clearly violates the principle found in Bava http://www.mechon-mamre.org/p/pt/ pable of intellectual thought, they can only mental principles, so essential to life as a Jew. Kammaxiv of “ein gozerin gezeirah al ha-tsib- pt2823.htm. possibly misunderstand the meaning of what G-chat has also been a great source of bur ela im kein rov ha-tsibbur yekholin la- vii See, for example, Tosafot to Gittin 17a, s.v. you might be trying to teach them. Further- stress for shadchanim. With new forms of amod bah– we do not impose a restriction “Gaziyya la-zman ve-yehavei nihalah mai.” If more, they are argumentative and petty, and technology, the complex world of shidduchim upon the community unless the majority of the a woman was an eshet ish and wanted to pre- thus they will insist that their understanding is is changing rapidly. With the innovation of G- community will be able to withstand it.”xv The vent herself from being executed by cutting the correct one. When you tell them otherwise, chat, men and women can converse with each takana set up by Hazal forbidding the use of out the date on her get in order to create the il- a tiff ensues, and soon after that they are cry- other between dates, without knowledge of the the emoticons of the wink, kiss and heart lusion that she had been divorced at the time ing. This only brings more crying, since the she committed adultery, she most likely would fact that they are crying makes them upset that think that if the beit din saw her get with the they are ruining their make-up, which makes zman cut out they would put her to death any- them more distressed because they have been way. However, as the Tosafot explain[s], if she under the impression this whole time that you actually knew the halakhah she would know were not aware of the fact that they wear that she would in fact not be put to death if the make-up. Since make-up is assur anyhow, date on her get was cut out (this contradicts they feel ashamed of this great, hamur sin Rashi’s statement there). But since women which all of their fellow women have a ta’ava don’t know the halakhah, they will remain in for, and suddenly you have a sobfest on your fear of execution and thus not try to evade hands. being convicted of adultery. From this sugya The second meaning, “loose,” refers to we further prove how much “tifloose” is in- the licentiousness that is always the end result volved in women’s learning. of all women learning Torah. Women are viii http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/First-wave_ crafty in their nature, and they will use their . Torah learning to evade halakhah. We see a ix Originally, the uncensored reading stated, remez to the destruction of men by women via shadchan. While this may seem like a positive should be reversed. Every time a person sends “ve-ha-yesod ha-shelosha assar: kol kevudah G-chat in Mishlei: “She also lieth in wait as a change, shadchanim have begun to realize that a wink in jest, or a heart to even someone you bat-melech penimah” (Tehillim 45:13). The robber, and increaseth the faithless among with G-chat, couples can converse outside of are “just friends” with, they violate a huge rewritten version done by the early feminists men.”vi The Hebrew word that is translated her hotel lobbies and kosher restaurants. One issur that could be avoided if the TaFoR- states, “ve-ha-yesod ha-shelosha assar as “increaseth” is tosif. Tosif can also be trans- shadchan recently lamented that, “it was once FEUD”Em was revoked. tehiyyat ha-meittim,” which up until the dis- lated as “she will add,” and this is the exact easy to find out about how a date was going, G-chat is destroying klal Yisroel, is a covery of the uncensored version stirred much mayseh done by one who would like to be able or even to find a bissel of information about source of bittul Torah and tiflus, and is the debate as to whether Maimonides actually be- to G-chat with somebody else. “Add me on G- what the topics of conversation were. Did he number one cause for today’s Crisis. lieved in his last principle or felt pressured to chat” is a phrase exchanged between suspi- look interested, did she sit in a tznius way? It is clear that G-chat leads directly to all sorts add it in due to the protests of the Jews of his cious peoples, oft-heard in dark alleyways, the How many years koyllel? Six? Takeh! Seven, of aveiros and is a vehicle for cheit. In fact, time. See Joshua Abelson’s “Maimonides on Uptown library, the Brookdale Lounge, and maybe. My usual spies—uh, I mean assistant the original writing of G-chat was not haser, the Jewish Creed.” The Jewish Quarterly Re- many other pritzudikke mekoymes. If one shadchanim—never had to worry about how as we have it today, but in fact was written view, Vol. 19, No. 1. University of Pennsylva- “adds” someone on G-chat, they add on to to overhear conversations. But now with this malleh, with a yud between the “cha-” and the nia Press: (October 1906), p. 56. their tzures. For it is known that if women ac- G-chat shtus we have no way of finding out “t,” thus showing us that the true word for G- x Tehillim 45:13. tually knew halakhah, they would be able to what is really going on.” With G-chat, shad- chat is “G-chait,” pronounced like G-cheit, G- xi Many Medieval thinkers believed that a fe- contrive ways to break it,viiand therefore men chanim have less control over the way the cou- sin. Ad kan. male demon would come to women at night must prevent themselves from allowing the ple functions. Additionally, G-chat creates a and teach them how to read in their dreams. It spread of Torah to women, especially via G- false sense of security, which allows couples Ilana Batya Gadish is a junior at Stern is now believed that Jane Austen was a gilgul chat. Thus, G-chat is a threat to traditional Ju- to be open and honest with each other. This College for Women, and is an Associate Editor neshamah of this demon. daism; it is pure tiflus, in both senses of the could cause tremendous damage, and be an for Kol Hamevaser. Gadish is majoring in xii Some Emoticons include: word and benei Torah should be wary of the awful addition to the already horrendous “age- Jewish Studies and is still pretending that she’s :) :( ;) :-* 8-) =) :D fear of “tosif.” gap .” also majoring in Biology. To conclude, as it xiii An adaptation of the translation cited in end- It is also imperative to discuss one of the G-chat is also causing klal Yisroel to be says in Bava Kamma and Shemot 22:5, note xiv, below. most negative aspects of G-chat, the G-chat tempted to be over one of the most important Gadish is (always) on fire; she is a true xiv Bava Kamma 79b. status message (GCSM). Statuses can be very takanos set up by . The Takana for Re- “Eishet Lapidot.” She also wants to remind xv Translation taken from the gender-sensitive dangerous. One might think the concern of fraining from Emoticon Use During E-mails, everyone that, “im ein kemah, ein Torah.” edition of Nathanielle Jarette’s “Shemirat GCSM’s would be that they propagate lashon known in the halakhic literature as TaFoR- Negi’ah and Reality.” Kolah Hamevaserett 3,2 ha-ra, but the real problem with statuses is that FEUD”Em, was instituted right at the begin- (November 2009): 17-19, at p. 18. By the way, they allow freedom of expression in a public ning of the era of e-mail. Emoticonsxii, they i EChSo”M- “Eishes Chayil Soccer Mom,” the I promise there will be no more gender-sensi- forum. While this is vadai assur in a general decided, clearly fell under the category of title Agudas Yisroel came up with for female tive jokes. Or jokettes. Okay, that wasn’t even sense, it is even more chomur regarding “derech chibbah,” and they consequently Jewish leaders in the Orthodox community. a good one. But be-emette. That was the last women. One of the fundamental principles of made a takkanah forbidding everyone from ii “Mah Yedidus.” NCSY Bencher Pocket Size: one. Really. Judaism, which was censored out of as num- using them. The only emoticons muttar to use A Book of Prayer and Song. Union of Ortho- ber thirteen of Rambam’s Thirteen Principles were :( , :’( , :-/ although that last one is debat- dox Jewish Congregations of America: (No-

6 www.kolhamevaser.com Volume III, Issue 5 Purim Issue A Short Proposal How to Solve the Problem of Shomer for Female Rabbis Negi’ah and Enjoy Life Better BY: Jaded Narrative bam mentions the fact that every de-orayta like it relates to the story of Purim, making it very this would also fall under the heter. The Kesef relevant to this time of year.iv The problem of Mishneh comments that this rule would apply negi’ah is that one takes actions to violate the BY: Some Irresponsible Feminist s I’m sure everyone knows, because to halakhot that a) are not stated explicitly in command of lo tikrevu le-gallot ervah. But (Pseudonym: Stephanie Greenberg) they all read Kol Hamevaser, there is the Torah, b) people are not stringent about what if one is completely passive in the act? Aa huge problem in our Modern Ortho- and, c) apply to everyone (masur la-kol). The Gemara in 74 points out that prax world. People spend too much time get- Esther was passive (karka olam) in her rela- e all have heard all the arguments ting caught up in halakhic minutiae and details, The Prophet Method: Rambam Hilkhot tionship with Ahaseurus, so there was no ha- for and against giving to and do not spend enough time enjoying life. Yesodei Ha-Torah 9:3 writes that if one con- lakhic problem for her. There are, of course Wwomen. There are good argu- The Yerushalmi isays that anyone who leaves vinces a navi to do his dirty work for him, a many issues with this resolution. First of all, it ments, decent arguments, and bad arguments, this world without enjoying it deserves death, navi is allowed to tell you to be over any ha- only solves the problem for the woman, but at and they have been rehashed so many times and who are we to argue with the holy words lakhah except for avodah zarah. There is the this point I guess we will take what we can get. over that I feel no need to re-rehash this kasa of our sages. Now, don’t get me wrong- I’m one catch that the navi can only change the law Second of all, Rishonim point out that if she in- di-harsena, and if I do then the word harsena not saying we don’t have to follow the minu- if the change is non-permanent. To remedy our tends to do the act she still is responsible for it, will take on a whole new meaning. tiae; we definitely have to and we’re bound to situation here, what we have to say is that the or that if she has hana’ah from the act she is Anyway, it is clear that for some reason, the Torah and I’m very frum and all sorts of arayot are only allowed temporarily, until the responsible. And this is all not taking into ac- other superlatives. All I’m saying is that we time one is married. Wallah! We took the ha- count that not in every situation is the woman (though it is not clear what that reason is) that need to find lots of sketchy het- passive. So this answer is very no woman will ever become a rabbi. How- erim for this whole shomer complicated, but it can go a long ever, I have a plan that will still grant us our negi’ah business that will get way in allowing immoral activi- first and all-important attainment of female around the letter of the law, so ties in our community, so that’s at rabbi. But how, you may ask? And the an- that we can fulfill the spirit of least a good thing. swer is simple- maybe it is impossible for us the law and just have a darn to give a woman the status of rabbi, but what good time with ourselves (and That ‘Aint My Woman: stops us, may I ask, from giving a rabbi the our significant others). If any- Pesah has shown us that bal yer- status of woman? Yes, I am prepared to go one does not understand what I a’eh and bal yimatseh is not vio- la-din (to court) over this issue. Be-Simhah am trying to say, they obviously lated if one sells the hamets to a (with joy)! If we take some nice RIETS (or, have not internalized the . We can make a hekesh be- better yet, YCT) graduate and circumscribe Torah’s metahalakhic concepts, tween hamets and . The their male status to the point of nonexistence, and they should make it their Gemara in Makkot brings a three- business to read all the re- way mahaloket as to whether or behold we have created a female with semi- spected Torah-observant hedonistic treatises on lakhah and dropped it like it’s hot.iii not we can give malkot to chayyavei mittah and khah, a.k.a. a female rabbi, and note that it the meaning of life. How does one find a prophet? It’s all a karet, and in the context of the discussion will be called a rabbi and not a Maharituta or Now that I have set out my sitz-im-leben, matter of paying off the right people (for the there, the Gemara draws a comparison between Rabbabbah or anything weird like that. Once I’m not going to zetz-avek on the halakhah, Hebrew edition of this article, tzarikh iyyun arayot and the rest of keritut (at least for we have one female rabbi, the door is open for leaving it no lebensraum, and crush it to a pulp, gadol vi-hamevin yavin). Rashi’s reading). We can apply this connection there to be more female rabbis, and for more in order to allow for increased anti-halakhic to the relationship between arayot and hamets, women to get semikhah, and all other good maneuvering. The plan is like this- since I The Sin For Her Sake: We all know one case of keritut. Just like one is allowed to things. have no argument that could actually work in about the very important idea of aveirah li- have a non-Jew’s hamets in his home on Anyone who opposes this approach is ei- a satisfactory manner, the goal will instead be shmah. The Tosafot in Yoma 82 point to Sis- Pesah, so too one may have all sorts of premar- ther a sexist or Haredi or both. And we need to garner several sub-par arguments and throw era’s sin as one which was necessary and ital relations with a young lady owned by a no panels to settle this score. them out there for what they are worth, so that positive in order to further the existence of goy. Q.E.D. everyone can be very scared of me and try to kelal Yisrael. Here, also, Israel faces a true cri- Now that we have successfully allowed censor Kol Hemevaser. Ready? Set? Go! sis; with the shiddukh crisis upon us, we will the sin of negi’ah to be muttar, I sincerely hope not be able to maintain high enough numbers that our religious community grows and is in- Stephanie Greenberg is a human who is The Hush-Hush Method: I think we for survival and we must raise our observance spired by the increased observance of its laws. personally invested in this article. should censor all halakhot relevant to shomer of peru u-revu. Thus, we must take upon our- The fact that our campus will look like Ahaseu- negi’ah and not teach them to the next genera- selves the great religious endeavor of violating rus’ harem is a side problem we can manage to tion. We might actually be obligated to hide the the sin of negi’ah in order to further kelal Yis- ignore. Peace out! halakhic truth from our offspring based on the rael. In that vein, I would like to proffer a fur- concept of mutav she-yihyu shoggegim ve-al ther interpretation for the phrase aveirah yihyu mezidim.ii If the law is not going to be li-shmah. The phrase aveirah li-shmah means, i Kiddushin 4:12. followed, better that it not be followed in a “a sin for her sake.” Now, this is most usually ii Beitsah 30a, Rambam Hilkhot Shevitat Asor state of utter blissful ignorance than to tell peo- read as for the sake of God or for its own pos- 1:7. ple the halakhah and expect them to actually itive value, but the simplest reading of the iii Sorry, I stole that line from Snoop Dawg, and follow it! phrase is that aveirah li-shmah means “a sin also from Nate Jaret’s article on a similar topic The Gemara there says that not only do for the purposes of her,” namely, the girl in to this one… we say this for laws of rabbinic level, but that question. This is the strongest source, since it iv The previous answer also relates to this time this rule applies even to the de-oraytas, as seen militates for not just allowing negi’ah but for of year, at least for Tosafot who connect Es- by the fact that we apply it to cases in which mandating it. ther’s sin to Yael’s. women were eating and drinking up to night- fall on erev (even though there is You’re Grounded!: The Karka Olam an obligation to be mosif to the fast). The Ram- Answer: This answer is very complicated, and

Volume III, Issue 5 www.kolhamevaser.com 7 Kol Hamishtakker The Shiddukh Crisis Reconsidered: A ‘Plural’istic Approach BY: Nathaniel Jaret ben Yehudah of Mainz (alias: Rabbeinu Ger- amous kedushah. In reality, though, this social history. Enforced monogamy is not “yofyafuto shom Me’or ha-Golah) convened a rabbinic edifice of monogamy is recent, and even, I shel Yefet be-ohalei Shem.” It is a travesty, an synod to halakhically address certain issues daresay, modern (sorry, the Right), and, quite imposition, a blasphemy in the face of God’s t is on no one’s lips, but everyone’s mind. that were plaguing the Jewish communities of frankly, not rooted in the classical texts of Ju- eternal Torah! Especially the minds of Stern girls. (Ex- Aratsot Ashkenaz. Amongst the edicts and in- daism. A man who is disturbed by the idea of Our young women find themselves older Icept those select few Chait-y Stern girls novations (purported to have beeni) enacted a second (or third, or fourteenth) wife has been, and older, and their biological clocks tick more who read Rambam literally and are convinced, and introduced by Rabbeinu Gershom were: without doubt, thoroughly cleansed by the and more impatiently; we cannot simply sit perforce, that they do not have minds. Not the requirement of mutual consent to a divorce, tossing tides of modernity. This particular high back and watch them fall victim to the patently those non-minds.) the prohibition of opening the private mail of tide, however, began to swell at the turn of the anti-Jewish sentiment of monogamy. Those three loathsome words, lurking just others, a modification of the halakhic attitude previous millennium. According to Rabbi Shelomoh ben Adret around the corner, crouching at the door like towards coerced apostasy, and finally, and It goes without saying that “ma’aseh avot (Rashba), Rabbeinu Gershom’s edict expired sin, ready to strike: The. Shiddukh. Crisis. most famously, the prohibition against siman le-banim (the act of the forefathers is a in the Hebrew year 5000, or the Gregorian year “I’m 20 years old, still single, and ad- polygamy. Some have speculated that this ban sign for their descendants)” and that the model 1240. The relevance of this could not be more dicted to the semi-kosher Dunkin’ Donuts against polygamy was meant to curb rampant created for us by our holy matriarchs and pa- obvious. For those in the rabbinic community across the street from Brookdale!” wails one who do not wish to rely on this minority opin- girl from Teaneck. “No one will ever love ion, a “hetter me’ah rabbanim” could accom- me,” cries a Tiferet girl into her pillow after her plish the same thing. subpar results in Hallah Baking shi’ur in sem- The benefits of such a move are glaring. inary. “Shir la-Ma’alot…” whisper hundreds, First, and perhaps foremost, we would reclaim chanting daily invocations at some kever of our Halakhah from the modernist distortion some Tanna in the middle of some forest in the that Herem de-Rabbeinu Gershom is, demon- Galil. strating our immense yir’at Shamayim and As a community of halakhically commit- hopefully hastening the coming of Mashiah ted people, let us be honest with ourselves. ben David. We would effectively solve the After doing our time in Israel, post-high shiddukh crisis overnight, since any man who school, undergoing our respective religious would have dumped a girl out of uncertainty epiphanies, and having our libidos brutally would no longer have that dilemma: “Well, if stuffed into a rucksack and replaced with the Miriam gets annoying, I’ll simply move in various adages of Mesillat Yesharim or Rav with Batya for a few weeks!” And there is no Nahman, many of us cannot help but wonder, woman in the Jewish dating world, I assure “When do I get my chelek in peru u-revu, to you, who isn’t even the fourth best option. build a bayis ne’eman and send my kinderlech A reacceptance of the practice of to learn Toyre?!?” More often than not, this is polygamy into its rightful and historical place nothing more than the psychological sublima- in authentic halakhic Judaism is long overdue. tion of another, more hormonal drive, to the ef- We owe it to Benot Yisrael, we owe it to our fect of, “I want to be just like Shira Schwartz.” masorah, and we owe it to Ha-Kadosh Barukh Either way, the question resonates. What do anti-Semitism. triarchs should be affirmed and incorporated Hu. Now, with a halakhic method with which we do with all the single ladies? Somehow, Today, we as a community have come to into our lives. Two out of three of the Avot to do so, we can only wait for the most coura- Ms. Knowles’ vision on the matter, prophetic accept the reality of monogamy as an unques- took multiple wives, one of them marrying geous of our posekim to get to work. Inaction and catchy as it may be, does not quite intersect tionable given. With the ideas of bashert, of four women. David ha-Melekh took many, would be far worse. with the values we wish to sustain and impart Manolsonian sanctity, of the aforementioned many wives, as Nakh readily relates. The in our communities, nor does it contribute to “bayis ne’eman,” and of those cookie-cutter precedent is obvious. Nathaniel Jaret is a sophomore at YC ma- the physical continuity we are hoping to apartment complexes, those “little boxes on the The Babylonian Talmud, too, embraces joring in English. He only dates Stern girls two achieve. So alas, what do we do? hillside” in Ramat Beit Shemesh, so inces- the idea of polygamy wholeheartedly. The en- at a time, for the sake of efficiency. Ha-Yom We can join the ranks of the Right, bury santly drilled into our heads and idealized dur- tire principle of assumes the existence katser ve-ha-melakhah merubbah – ve- our heads in the sand with regard to this issue ing our year plus in Israel, can our ideological and acceptability of polygamy in order to re- hamevin yavin. as well, repeat over and over in our heads there misdirection be blamed? quire it! Indeed, Shas is replete with practical is no crisis, there could not be a crisis, since We are left with another, more poignant questions that arise from polygamy, including the Torah is emes – and ignore the suffering of matter to address – that polygamy is an ethical matters of inheritance and connubial responsi- our holy aidel maidels. Alternatively, we can reality, as condoned, and thus confirmed, by bilities. Yoma 18b and Yevamot 37b both relate spearhead pseudo-successful dating websites, the Torah. Whether we want to relegate it to the fact that Rava himself had multiple wives! conceived and implemented primarily to create the status of “concession to human mores,” as These are not theoretical musings – these are the illusion that the problem is being addressed does Maimonides with the biblical institution pragmatic explorations of real halakhic prac- i See Avraham Grossman, “The Historical and relish our ineffectuality. Or we can tackle of korbanot, is another question, but on the tice! Background to the Ordinances on Family Af- the problem head-on from within the parame- most basic level, there is something holy and Let it be said, because someone must say fairs Attributed to Rabbenu Gershom Me’or ters of our halakhic tradition, as is our respon- divine about actualized, and not just theoreti- it. Yes, the practice of polygamy smacks of ha-Golah (‘The Light of the Exile’),” in Ada sibility. True, I Saw You at Sinai, but I was far cal, polygamy, whether it tickles our modern barbarism and chauvinist machinations. Yes, Rapoport-Albert and Steven J. Zipperstein too busy paying attention to ordinances and fancy or not. This is something that both the jealousy may arise. But at the end of the day, (eds.), : Essays in Honour of methodology. By all means, go ahead and Right and the Left are hard-pressed to explain when push comes to shove, it is halakhic, and Chimen Abramsky (London: Peter Halban Pub- Meet The Connectors – I’ll talk Halakhah. – the idea of taking multiple wives violently it is celebrated by our traditional sources and lishers, 1988), pp. 3-23. Around the year 1000, Rabbi Gershom jars their falsely constructed model of monog- put into practice by the greatest figures in our

8 www.kolhamevaser.com Volume III, Issue 5 Purim Issue Anu Ratzim, ve-Hem Shkotzim: Keeping Up with Menachem Butler BY: Alex Luxenberg What are your thoughts on Yeshiva Col- Yeshiva University community get married, Shabbat, gerama-style! At the same time, I lege and Stern College merging campuses? both the husband and wife shun their single have a team of writers ready to prepare the de- Editor’s note: Menachem Butler is study- Intercampus shuttles, each ride lasting friends and focus, instead, on only hanging out nunciation posters that will be plastered all ing Medieval Jewish History at the Bernard only twenty-eight to forty-seven minutes (de- with their married friends during the kiddush around Bnei Brak, Ramat Beit Shemesh, and Revel Graduate School of Jewish Studies pending on the driver) is a good start to bring- in Shenk shul or at their weekly Sunday after- Passaic and hung up in my sukkah each year. (BRGS), Yeshiva University, and rabbinics at ing the campuses together from a nine-mile or noon outings to Bed Bath & Beyond, but I It’ll be mamesh a gevald. the Rabbi Elchanan Theological Semi- so distance. Have you any idea how long it have found in recent years that a growing num- nary (RIETS), an affiliate of Yeshiva Univer- took to travel from KBY to visit “a friend” at ber of married couples act as YUConnects What is your favorite joke (and explana- sity. When not “sitting in the stacks” of the either or MMY in shadkhanim and set up their friends and ac- tion) that you’ve heard uttered by Prof. David Gottesman Library, Menachem can be found when I was in Shanah Alef?! The quaintances with others who fall into similar Berger? jogging across the George Washington Bridge. bigger issue, however, revolves around what hashkafic stereotypes. I make sure to send my A yeshivah bochur asked his rebbe if it’s A lifelong resident of Jamaica Estates, Queens, will be done with the various undergraduate li- shadkhanim personalized gift cards on their muttar to go to the opera. The rebbe replied, and consultant for SeeYouOnShabbos.com, braries should the campus merger come to birthdays, flowers for and Sukkot, and “You’re not over till the fat lady sings.” Ex- Menachem is a dues-paying-member at the Mt. fruition. Allow me to explain. Currently, there a bottle of red wine for Purim and Simchat plained Prof. Berger: “To understand this one Sinai Jewish Center of Washington Heights are several shuttle-loads of students from Stern Torah. YUConnects is truly a wonderful organ- line, you have to know about kol ishah, you and also enjoys spending Shabbatot in commu- who trek up to WaHi each afternoon/evening ization – perhaps even the diamond in the CJF have to know , and you have to know nities throughout North America. We were to study and meet with friends in the Library – crown? – and we should encourage all married the American expression about the fat lady.” elated to hear that Alex Luxenberg recently and please, do not bring any non-Judaic studies students at Yeshiva University (together with caught up with Menachem, an avid reader of discussions to the fifth floor of the Gottesman their parents and in-laws) to consider joining If you were to win a raffle to spend an en- Kol Hamevaser, during half-time of the Library – and at the same time, there are a as shadkhanim for this most special effort. The tire day with Prof. David Berger, where would PrimeGrill dinner feast at WhiskyFest 2010. growing number of guys who take the shuttle future of Klal Yisrael is at stake. you go? Their conversation below, slightly modified for down to Midtown to utilize the Hedi Steinberg As for potential solutions to the “shiddukh Our day would begin with lunch at coherency, has not been censored for content. Library each evening. The reasoning is quite crisis,” I have long had the idea to establish a Mendy’s in Crown Heights, followed by simple. All of the books that are on the various weekly game night at the Marriott Marquis Shacharit at 770, and then a quick tour of the hat do you have to say about the reference, reserve, closed-shelf, non-circulat- lobby in Midtown, where facilitators (i.e., mar- Jewish Children’s Museum, with time for a Mendel Gottesman Library? ing shelves in the Gottesman Library are (gen- ried couples who would like a night away from visit to the gift shop. In the afternoon, we W erally) on the open-stacks downtown. My fear, their children) would gather together all of the would catch a Mets game in the YU luxury With the exception of the waiting area then, if the campus merger would come to random dates that don’t look like they’re going suite at CitiField decked out in our matching outside of President Richard M. Joel’s office, fruition, is: what will become of my beloved too well and bring them to the middle of the blue and orange outfits, followed by dinner at complete with the comfy couches and erudite Hedi Steinberg Library? Unless, of course, the room and offer one big game of Taboo (or Kasbah on the Upper West Side (I’d order reading material, the Gottesman Library is my plans are for us to abandon our ship of Wash- Twister). It can be accordingly billed as “Taboo “The David Burger”), before a return trip to the favorite place on campus. When I returned ington Heights and move the whole institution (or Twister) at the Marriott,” and, like all good Glueck Beit Medrash for a post-10 PM from my post-high school experience in Eretz down to Midtown. Then, I think, we’ll be talk- pre-Madoff events hosted by Yeshiva Univer- Ma’ariv Thursday night learning session with Yisrael – itself a riot and a half, during which ing. sity, refreshments must be served. Again, the the Lubavitcher yungelayt, and then a midnight I (despite my many attempts) sadly did not flip future of Klal Yisrael is at stake. pilgrimage to the Rebbe’s Ohel in Cambria out – I was pointed towards the fifth floor of Where is the best place to go on a date in There also need to be more co-ed events Heights, Queens. the Gottesman Library, as well as to the hal- NYC? What are your thoughts about YUCon- on campus. Three weeks of browsing the aisles lowed cloisters of Floor 5a (a.k.a. “5a”). Over nects? What are your thoughts on the “Shid- at the SOY Seforim Sale is simply not enough. Do you believe that Prof. David Berger is the past few years, I must admit that I have dukh Crisis”? What can the Orthodox YUConnects should host shi’urim and lectures, the Messiah? seen some really sketchy things, some of community do in order to ameliorate this phe- bake sales and cholent cook-offs. There should I would not rule out such a possibility. which should not be recounted even in Kol nomenon? be shiddukh-oriented day-trips (skiing and Hamevaser. It was there in the Gottesman Li- My personal preference is to remain in snowboarding, white-water rafting, and ice- What are your thoughts on Da’as Torah? brary that I sat and read and read and read. I centrally-located Midtown Manhattan. Dinner skating, etc.,) and YUConnects should sponsor I once fell asleep during morning seder was, and still am, I must admit, a bit of a dork. at Kosher Delight (37th and Broadway) – where a co-ed flag-football league in Fort Tryon Park and imagined that I wore a t-shirt that read: I spent so many tireless evenings in the Gottes- I order the Burger Delight Special (Burger De- or a co-ed ice-hockey league at Chelsea Piers “My Da’as Torah is smarter than your Da’as man Library that often when I would hear the light, fries, and a large coke) – followed by a to bring us back to our Friday afternoons in Torah. Punk.” I woke up when someone re- Burns Security guards heading to shut down trip up Broadway to the Toys ‘R Us store in Jerusalem during Shanah Alef. Most impor- moved the Kovetz Meforshim (Bava Batra, vol. the floor at 1 AM, I would yell at the top of my Times Square (to pick up Taboo, Jenga, Mo- tantly, YUConnects should organize trips to 1) that served as my headrest. lungs: “Closin’ up, library’s closed, let’s go.” nopoly, Twister, etc.,), and, if they are out of hospitals and old age homes to visit sick chil- In fact, I perfected my accent so well that one interesting games, the Barnes & Noble near dren and the elderly; it’s all about the “circle Does the work of non-Orthodox theolo- guard once screamed up to me: “Sorry, I didn’t Rockefeller Center (yes, a bit of a walk, but a of life” and finding the one who will join us in gians have any relevance for Orthodox Jewry? realize that you were on shift tonight.” It was wonderful opportunity to get to know the the next link in the chain. In addition, I think What about non-Jewish theologians? there, as well, that I experienced first-hand young lady) has a nice table of game selections that it is time for YUConnects to create a Face- Neither the Berurah, nor the Yeshiva University’s brilliant efforts to intro- on the second floor near the window. Alterna- book application as both have long been used Arukh ha-Shulhan, paskns that works of aca- duce students at Yeshiva College and RIETS tively, I would bring along an unopened box of in tandem and a formal partnership must be demic scholarship are four-cornered, and thus to their counterparts at Stern College, “Ver Iz ‘Em” (a.k.a.: “Guess Who”) considered. I cannot stress enough that the fu- tzitzis-checks are not required. Wurzweiler, Azrieli, and, of course, Revel – which I purchased at Scharf’s Judaica in Boro ture of Klal Yisrael is at stake. and this predated YUConnects by several Park (718-484-0341). Armed with the game in “Spirituality” is a very fashionable term. years! I often wonder if librarian Judah hand, we cross the street to the Marriott Mar- Is it true that you are one of the principle What are your thoughts on the practical rela- Wohlgelernter of the Gottesman Library – the quis lobby and pick up some beverages from investors in the Tzomet Kindle for Shabbat? tionship between Judaism and Spirituality? shadkhan par excellence! – ever received shad- the bar in the lobby, and voila! – a terrific way I have opened negotiations with Makhon Spirituality, specifically within the con- khanus gelt for his many efforts. to prepare for the next two hours of the date. Tzomet in Alon Shvut to discuss a way to re- text of , is a very weighty All too often, when couples within our configure the AmazonKindle to read PDFs on term. To some, it demands an immediate rejec-

Volume III, Issue 5 www.kolhamevaser.com 9 Kol Hamishtakker tion for fear of the unknown, while for others your pick. I like both – at the same time. morning hashkamah minyanim. khah, what would you like your title to be? spirituality represents the ultimate embrace Additionally, there is an even more press- Whoa, don’t be making assumptions that that can often guide the inquisitive seeker away What do you see as the most serious issue ing crisis that is affecting the Teaneck commu- you can’t back up. I think that it is important from the rubric of Orthodox Judaism and all facing Modern Orthodoxy today? nity. In a five-mile radius of Chickies – the to remember that there is a longstanding vow that we love about her. However, as good Mod- Not enough kosher pizza shops open on only restaurant in Teaneck open until 11:00 that each student at RIETS (no matter the ern Orthodox posers, we need to ensure that Motzaei Shabbat. PM, with the exception of Motzaei Shabbat (by track) affirms at the start of his semikhah stud- the Golden Mean of Maimonidean proportions strict-orders of the Teaneck Vaad) – there are ies, which dates back to the days before Rabbi remains nurtured. Long before becoming What do you see as the least serious issue several public high schools with Jewish Soloveitchik came to YU (yes, there was a time (in)famous for his well-intentioned efforts at facing Modern Orthodoxy today? teenagers that number in the hundreds of stu- before Rabbi Soloveitchik came to YU): never and its sister semi- The legacy of Rabbi Joseph B. dents, many of whom who are religiously un- finish semikhah! Alas! Bills need to be paid, nary Yeshivat Maharat, Rabbi Soloveitchik. I am confident that his family affiliated. One can only wonder that each of the pulpits and educational positions throughout served as one of our community’s foremost will agree, so don’t bother censoring my an- dozen or so Orthodox in Teaneck North America and the world need to be filled, lights of Orthodox spirituality and social ac- swer. (and in the Bergenfield, New Milford, and Bo- and the other rabbinical institutions aren’t tivism, leading kumzitzes and offering infu- gota areas, too) have not banded together to de- catching them quickly enough, and (notwith- sions of Torah ideals and Hasidic machashavot As is widely known, the New York area velop programs to bring young adults in their standing several notable examples) one cannot during spiritual gatherings. While some at YU has the largest concentration of Jews outside community to learn one afternoon a week with remain in the semikhah-system forever dream of a YU infused with some of the more of Ramat Beit Shemesh and its environs. As a students at the area public schools, and to have (though, if you can convince the RIETS ad- liberal ideas of Rabbi Weiss’ rabbinical semi- result of its size, what problems do you antici- their parents – either families or young couples ministration that you are essential to the fabric naries, I dream of an even higher elevation of of our great tapestry, then, my friend, you have campus spirituality with expressions of music, a place here forever). And so, once every four dance, and song on campus. We should clap years, around one hundred RIETS students – like wild, dance like wild, and feel free to spir- some of whom who have already been minis- itually express ourselves during 2:30 Minchah tering to their flock for several years – con- in the Glueck Beit Medrash. There are not verge on Lamport Auditorium for the Chag nearly enough kumzitzes that take place on ha-Semikhah and jointly recite a prayer that is 185th Street after Minchah. Davening until 2:50 only known to them: hattaras nedarim, to re- (though some say 3:00) is a great opportunity lease the vow never to finish semikhah. Each to connect with the One Above, but imagine if one then walks up on stage to receive “the final there were a six-minute opportunity for us all hug” from his shi’ur rebbe and/or the rebbe to sit on the now-closed street and share song whose name he never remembers, as well as and stories amongst friends, and perhaps to the “bear hug” from President Richard M. Joel. even dance a little rikkud. It can truly be (Note: Due to recent events on campus, all mamesh a gevald. Extra points for each Rosh Chag ha-Semikhah hugs must be less than five Yeshivah to join in the dancing! seconds long.) As for the title that I would like to adorn What are your thoughts on the recent con- my semikhah kelaf, I think that “Rava” is a troversy that erupted over the symposium on wonderful Amoraic name, dating back to 4th- homosexuality at YU? What advice can you century Babylonia and referencing one of the offer to our institution to prepare a generation most-cited rabbis of the Talmud, and I believe of rabbinic and communal leaders who will only appropriate for the otherwise irrelevant continue to confront these issues on a frequent title of a 21st-century Orthodox Jewish male basis? clergy member and am petitioning for the title I think that following the prescription of of “Rava” on my kelaf. That way, our equals the timeless teaching from Tamid 32a – “the in the beit medrash and throughout the rabbinic official tractate of the Nine Days” (for those of pate the Teaneck Jewish community will face – invite those teenagers and their families over world would be our “Abbayei’s.” us who can’t go a week without a burger or in the years ahead? for traditional . steak) – of “Who is Wise? Ha-Ro’eh es ha- For the past two years, I have been shar- Which beit medrash at Yeshiva University nolad (he who foresees the end result),” might ing the following thoughts with friends and/or What is the difference, in your opinion, do you find most conducive for learning and prove instructive for dealing with these matters whoever else will listen: the Teaneck Jewish between Modern Orthodoxy and Centrist Or- which for batling? in the future. community – once hailed as “the Jerusalem of thodoxy? The GPATS Beit Medrash (housed on the America” – is facing a major crisis in the near Just about the same as the difference be- seventh floor of the main building at Stern Col- In light of the recent symposium on homo- future. After viewing an internal and confiden- tween “Modern Orthodox Machmir” and lege for Women) is an enjoyable place to learn sexuality, what are your thoughts on the YU tial Yeshiva University student survey of chil- “Modern Orthodox Liberal” on YUConnects: and study, especially in the back corner over- administration’s last-minute decision to relo- dren born per year and currently in attendance stereotypes that only divide the Jewish com- looking Lexington Avenue downtown (a.k.a. cate the Purim women’s Chagigah from its in each elementary school grade in the area, I munity and which I despise. I prefer the desig- “The Office”), while the Glueck Beit Medrash long-standing location in Weissberg Commons was struck with the reality that in five years, nation of being “a traditional Jew,” or, as the on 185th Street is my “batling beis of choice.” to the Cardozo Law School in an effort to cur- for a period of ten years, there will be a bar/bat rebbe Reb Lipa teaches, “Ich bin ayn pushiter tail inappropriate mingling between the sexes? in every shul on every Shabbat of the Yid.” If you would be a contestant on “Who It’s a bit ironic, don’t you think? year (and this is not even to mention aufrufs Wants To Be A Millionaire” and could choose and/or Shabbat Sheva Berachot). While, of What are your top five stories and top five a RIETS Rosh Yeshivah for the “Phone a Is there a place for non-traditional meth- course, the caterers, dentists, and dietitians, are songs of Reb Shlomo Carlebach? Friend” option, whom would you choose? ods of Talmud learning in ? quite happy with this new reality, I think that Stories: Schvartza Wolf, Yossele 1550, Rav Aharon Kahn, and I’d ask him ques- Are you suggesting that we introduce the rabbis in Teaneck need to reconsider how Yossele 1974, Holy Hunchback, and The Blind tions in German and request that he respond in “Talmud and Yoga,” a very popular class at the growth of the Jewish community will con- Chazzan of Lemberg. Songs: Original French. JCCs across North America, into the MYP tinue to have an affect on the davening habits Mimkomcha, Shomer Yisrael, Be-Shem Masmidim Honors Program and have it taught of balabatim, the sermon writing of the rabbis Hashem, Yehi Shalom, and Am Yisrael Chai. With which RIETS Rosh Yeshivah would by Rav Moshe D. Tendler? Or should RIETS themselves (a.k.a. ripping off from the 50-year you NOT want to get into a bar fight? offer a class on Chasidishe and online archive of Rabbi ’s mag- You are currently studying for your rab- Rav Yitzchok Cohen, for the same reason their pilpulistic approaches to aggadetos in isterial sermons), their abilities to maintain binic ordination. At such time as you finish all that I want him on my flag football team for Shas in light of 19th-century Italian Maskilic connections and cultivate relationships with of your behinot, complete semikhah, and walk the annual student/faculty YUConnects-hosted thought taught by Rav ? Take their flock, and the proliferation of Shabbat down the aisle at the RIETS Chag ha-Semi- Flag Football Shiddukh Bowl.

10 www.kolhamevaser.com Volume III, Issue 5 Purim Issue

If you could be stranded on a desert is- land with any RIETS Rosh Yeshivah, whom would you choose and what would you bring? Rav , and I would bring New Dead Sea Sect Found a Watergate-era tape recording device to col- BY: Sheketah Akh Katlanit bate whether this sale was a forum for selling sharim concerns the verse in Deuteronomy lect material for my forthcoming volume, ten- religious texts or more like a social venue for 6:10, “When the Lord your God brings you tatively titled Thinking Aloud: Personal courting. It seems clear though that “Seforim into the land that He swore to your fathers, Conversations That Were Recorded Without mazing discoveries were recently Sales” and headbands went together. Maybe , Isaac, to assign to you –great and the Permission of Rav Hershel Schachter and found in cavs along the East River in these headbands were typically worn to such flourishing cities that you did not build.” The Thus Should Not Be Published (New York: YU Athe Heights of Washington containing events? Alternatively, they were, perhaps, pesher contemporizes this verse to refer to the Press, 2010). I would also bring several bags a wealth of information on an obscure culture. bought at the Sales, along with “seforim.” In sect’s ritual of sending their children into the of pretzels, some bottles of Coca-Cola, a beach This exciting cache of treasures resembles ear- truth, the answer to this question depends on wilderness as a rite-of-passage: chair and maybe even sandals, a beige polo lier finds in the Judean Hills near the Dead Sea the meaning of “sefer,” which is also debated “When the Lord your God brings you into shirt, and matching dungarees for Rav from the period and reveals by scholars. Ilana Gadish, a prominent aca- the land” Schachter and me. OMG, we could dress as that the people who lived there were a unique demic who has done extensive research on the [pesharo (its interpretation): When you go twins! sect of Jews. The sectarians seem to have with- sect, asserts that a “sefer” is any book that to the for Shanah ba-Arets] drawn from general society to their new loca- would be learned in a beit midrash, although “that He swore to your fathers, Abraham, Which RIETS Rosh Yeshivah dresses most tion after the Maccabeat Revolt, an event that in itself is quite ambiguous.ii The head- Isaac, and ” similar to JayZ? colloquially referred to as “the Festival of bands seem to have had some type of animal [pesharo: Abraham Isaac ha- Kook, Rav J. David Bleich (a.k.a. JayD). Have Lights.” Apparently, they were unimpressed feather on them. One scholar suggests that they Isaac Elhanan, and Jacob Shwekey] you ever compared their vests?! with the Maccabeat rendition of “Ma’oz Tsur” were worn as ritualistic items that expressed “to assign to you – great and flourishing and were disillusioned by the priestly band’s their unity with nature, especially with individ- cities that you did not build” What song do you think about when you efforts to dominate the political arena as YU’s uals who suffered from “Recyclemania,” a [pesharo: Jerusalem, Alon Shvut, Ramat see Rav Gershon Yankelovitch? poster children. condition in which a person is overly obsessed Bet Shemesh].iv Whatever song they sang at Mattan Archaeological analysis reveals that this with the environment. This commentary sheds light on who the Torah. It was most likely Reb Shlomo Car- secluded Jewish settlement in the midst of a One document found at the site, sect’s role models were and what the main lebach’s “Orekh Yamim.” Over and over again barren desert, an oasis of spirituality amidst a called the “Dimona Document,” relates the urban centers were at that time. (KBY kumzitz-style). secular culture, in fact includes This sect had a revered two separate communities with leader, known officially as the Which RIETS Rosh Yeshivah could serve some contact between them, al- Teacher of Righteousness. It is as both a Rosh Yeshivah in Lakewood and a though the extent of interaction is unclear what his real name was, Professor at Harvard? debatable. Additionally, a satellite for he was usually just referred to Rav Mayer Twersky, and that’s why he is community with similar artifacts, as “the Rav.” One document was perfect for Yeshiva University. known today as Cardozo and lo- found containing the epithet cated on 12th Street, was also “Rebbe,” although most scholars In your earliest years on campus at identified and seemingly func- believe this to have referred to the Yeshiva University, you often had the privilege tioned as an emergency venue in leader of a different sect living of sitting on the benches outside of Furst Hall order to prevent inappropriate be- nearby in a different Heights, with Rav Melech Schachter, the longtime havior from transpiring between those of the Crown. The sect in RIETS Rosh Yeshivah and father of our the sexes, especially when under the Heights of Washington also beloved Rav Hershel Schachter. As our the influence. had female pseudo-leaders who yeshivah has commemorated Rav Melech’s Were the members of this advised on matters of purity, an third yahrzeit this week, are there any ques- sect in the Heights of Washington ascetic? No, story of how Middle-Eastern Jewry immi- issue the sect took very seriously as is evident tions that you wish that you could have asked, explains noted scholar Florence Miffman, for grated to New York and opened up “Golan by their many ritual baths. However, it is un- and what might his response be? there were apparently some scattered females Heights” out of nostalgia for the Old Country. clear how much authority these female “legal I would ask: “Which values are important among them, known as “library girls.”i They Another text describes a war between “the advisors” (yo’atsot Halakhah) actually had. to instill in one’s children as they grow up?” were not ascetic but were merely encouraged Sons of Darkness” and “the Sons of Light,” There is hopefully much more to be His response would likely be “Toras Hashem to wait until they were “ready” to date. possibly alluding to the eschatological battle learned about this newly discovered sect. temimah” and “Ivdu es Hashem be-simchah.” “Ready” seems to mean that they were one between the light exuding from Torah and the Maybe, through learning about other sects year out of Israel for females, and two or three dark forces of Madda. Many fragments of texts within our historical tradition, we can come to years for males, since documents show that were excavated that seem to resemble the Ma- a better understanding of our own lives today. men desired to use this additional time to learn soretic Bible, though a somewhat rewritten more Gemara and figure out how to support form. For example, concerning Deuteronomy Sheketah Akh Katlanit is an Editor-in- their wives. We know what “ready” means 22:5, “A woman must not put on man’s ap- Chief for Kol Hamevaser who may seem silent from looking at the term in other contexts from parel, nor shall a man wear woman’s clothing; at first, but has occasional expressions of that period. A “G-chat conversation,” a for whoever does these things is abhorrent to deadly personality, especially concerning medium used then to communicate with any- the Lord your God,” the sect adds words into scrolls found near the Dead Sea. She hopes one you have ever e-mailed, including profes- the text: that different sects of Judaism can learn to live sors, records a conversation in which a male A woman must not put on men’s apparel in harmony, be-Yahad. refused a “shiddukh” date (a type of meeting of black slacks and a white button-down in which two people who do not know each shirt underneath an argyle sweater, nor other awkwardly decide to become acquainted shall a man wear women’s knee-length in an intimate fashion), claiming he was not jean skirts, three-quarter length blouses, i Florence Miffman, Were the YUscenes Actu- “ready” for the aforementioned reasons. and Uggs.iii ally A-scenes? (New York: KHM Publishing, While not many characteristically female A certain form of exegesis, called a 2005), p. 12-22. items were found, a handful of artifacts were pesher, was also found. This type of commen- ii See Ilana Gadish, “Tsiluta ke-Yoma de-Istana: excavated. One example is a women’s head- tary provides an interlinear interpretation of the Creating Clarity in the Beit Midrash,” Kol band found together with a paper that said biblical text, but contemporizes it, presenting Hamevaser 3,3 (December 2009): 18-19. “Sefor[im] Sale” that seemed to have some the original text as if it were intended for the iii Found in fragment 5Q101a. type of calendar of events on it. Scholars de- current readership. One of the discovered pe- iv Found in fragment 6Q220.

Volume III, Issue 5 www.kolhamevaser.com 11 Kol Hamishtakker

MAHARAT SARA HURWITZ RAV YOSEF SHOLOM ELYASHIV

This advertisement was printed with the approval of R. Hershel Schachter, shlit”a

12 www.kolhamevaser.com Volume III, Issue 5 Purim Issue OH MY G-DISH!: Critical Studies: The Authorship of An Interview with Kol Hamevaser the “Documentary Hypothesis” Associate Editor Ilana Gadish Wikipedia Article BY: Alex Luxenberg to make sure the girls have to come uptown for food, thus perpetuating the model of male as BY: Friedrich Wilhelm Benjamin exhibits other clearly Judaic characteristics: J Author’s note: This interview was con- breadwinner, woman as child-bearing occupa- von Rosenzweig prefers the word “Torah” over “Pentateuch” ducted via Gmail video chat, though we were tional therapist. It’s really all a big conspiracy and focuses his discussion on the contributions in the same room. organized by YU and the OU – if Stern wasn’t of Jewish scholars such as Richard “Dick” in Manhattan, all of the kosher restaurants revolution has taken place in the aca- Friedman, Baruch “Benedict” Spinoza, and How are you? within a 20-block radius would shut down, demic world. For the first time in his- Harvard scholar James “Potato” Kugel. On top Are you serious? (Taps heel...) since the guys wouldn’t have to come down to Atory, scholars are applying the tools of of this, “J’s writing,” writes WikiCritic and Midtown to take girls on shiddukh dates. modern textual criticism to writings once held part-time keyboard Albrecht “Ctrl” Alt, “is ? sacrosanct by significant portions of society. peppered with Yiddishisms such as chutzpah, (No Response) You seem to be contradicting yourself. Nowhere has this revolution been more mind- schmaltz – and, of course, kugel.”vi No, it fits into our capitalist society – provoking and thought-boggling than in a se- A second narrative stratum was authored Slaves? Nagel Bagel is now competition. Additionally, ries of recent revelations revealed by a group by “E,” a writer distinguished by his prolific As long as it is men being slaves and not the building of Nagel was a philosophical of French, German, English and American use of endnotes: women. move, driven by the same hashkafah that scholars studying the famed Internet encyclo- “E is concerned first and foremost with Actually, I have a question for you. I want comes out of the pasuk of “Ve-Hu yimshol pedia “Wikipedia.” Their research on the fa- textual organization. In addition to end- to know the guys’ perspective on why girls bakh.” Stern being in Midtown in order to feed mous “Documentary Hypothesis” Wikii has led notes and references he makes extensive don’t write for Kol Hamevaser. And I think I (no pun intended) the local kosher restaurants to the formulation of what has come to be use of hyperlinks to other articles within know why. It is all rooted in the fact that we only makes sense from an economic stand- known as the “Documentary Documentary Hy- Wikipedia and elsewhere. E’s work, while live in a chauvinistic society. For instance, we point. pothesis,” or the “ADHD” for short. The most apparent in the later sections of the basically do not have a library at Stern and I Anyone who goes to Stern knows that the ADHD has shown article, is distrib- am not allowed to have a makom in the beis. desks are tiny, ensuring that girls remain self- that the Documen- uted throughout And I walk up the escalator! conscious about their weight when they don’t tary Hypothesis ar- the Documentary quite fit into the chairs. This leads them to ticle found on Hypothesis web- How do you feel about the ordination of starve themselves so that they look good when Wikipedia is the page. This led women in Orthodoxy? they get sold on the meat market, fresh off the product not of a Badehäuser to as- (Sigh) Do you know what it is like to be a “Shiddukh Shuttle.” single author, as sign E a later date woman? previously be- than J.”vii (Silence) What are your thoughts on the supposed lieved, but of mul- Seriously, do you? “shiddukh crisis?” tiple authors – in At some I think merging campuses would solve the some versions of points, the J and E No, no I do not. shiddukh crisis much faster than the proposed the theory, as many strata are so inter- Imagine knowing more Torah than your Shidduch Vision method, or the ELIMINA- as nineteen. woven that they male peers, being more passionate about Ju- TION OF THE AGE GAP CRISIS. And, refer The earliest appear to have daism in all facets, having no official makom readers to YouTube (if they go on such sites, proponent of the been combined by in the beis – and still not be able to rise to the has ve-shalom) and have them search for both ADHD was the a later redactor, highest official level of religious authority! On “Shidduch vision releases video” and “Shid- man after whom known as “R.”viii R, that note, for the rest of this interview, I would duch crisis age gap.” some have chris- or other redactors, prefer to be called “Rabbeinu.” tened the new the- is responsible for Do you have any male friends that are ory the “Badehäuser Hypothesis” – German the final compilation of the article as well as OK, Rabbeinu. Which living woman feminist? Wikipedia scholar Julius “Groucho” Bade- the introduction of further independent sources should be appointed a rosh yeshivah, in your Of course… But he says things like, “But häuser. Badehäuser first formulated his epony- such as the third author, “P.” opinion? don’t tell them that I’m still the bigger femi- mous hypothesis in an 1883 monograph P is distinguished by his distinctively pro- and Gilah Kletenik, duh. nist” – what a chauvinist! entitled Prolegomena zur Geschichte des Wiki- saic style, complex yet pleasant sentence struc- dokumentarischens, which took the academic tures, and use of fancy words, such as Both? Have you heard that the Purim Hagigot world by storm and enabled Badehäuser, in “endeavor” and “antiquity.” “P’s style,” wrote Well, YU has a bunch. will be separate this year? 1884, to achieve what was at that time the Badehäuser,ix “is nonlinear and makes use of Have I told you my feelings on the shid- world’s single highest-scoring Scrabble play.ii simile, metaphor, consonance, and even asso- Did you hear that there was a petition to dukh crisis….? In the Prolegomena (now known in aca- nance. It is both prosaic and poetic, yet it shut down this year’s YU Super Bowl party? demic circles by the acronym ‘PzGdW’iii), maintains an overriding concern for technical Men have time to watch sports because Badehäuser first set about identifying the pri- detail.”x they don’t have to struggle for equality. Ilana Gadish is the Feminist-in-Chief of mary narrative threads in the DH Wiki. These According to Badehäuser, an isolated sec- Kol Hamevaser and is writing her senior thesis threads, besides their internal narrative conti- tion of the DH article under the subheading How do you feel about the panel that took on: “So, You Think You’re Better Than Me?” nuity, were differentiated by certain unique “Dating the Sources” was written by a fourth place on homosexuality? grammatical and lexical features. “The most author. This author, “D,” “[…] was the most The Rashei Yeshivah made no statements Alex Luxenberg is famous for his articles primitive stratum Julius discovered he referred historically conscious of the four primary au- about lesbians, which is clearly anti-feminist. on pop-academics and controversial social is- to as ‘J’ – the Jewish author,” explains fellow thors, though he shared many of his theoretical sues. He can be reached at: tinokshenish- Wikipedia critic and part-time keyboard player concerns with P. Like P, his narrative style [… How do you feel about the new Glueck [email protected]. Martin North. “J’s style is distinctive for his ] was […] somewhat […] […] fractured.”xi Building? occasional VSO syntax,iv in contrast to the typ- Since Badehäuser, numerous scholars The reason why they built a Nagel Bagel ical Wikipedian SVO.v This clearly demon- have expanded on his theories. They have dis- uptown but not one in Stern is that they want strates a strong Yiddish influence.” His writing covered additional stylistically distinct content

Volume III, Issue 5 www.kolhamevaser.com 13 Kol Hamishtakker in the Wikipedia article, such as “S,” an author these reveal little about who they were and who makes extensive use of subordinate what they stood for. Were they priests? clauses; “R,” one who tends to write in run-on Scribes? Political dissidents? Professors at Torah u-Media: A Survey sentences; “Q,” who puts everything in quota- Yeshiva College? Or members of the royal tions; and “H,” who probably went to Har- aristocracy? We may never know for sure.” of Stories True, Histori- vard.xii The Documentary Documentary Hypoth- Friedrich Wilhelm Benjamin von Rosen- esis and its followers are not without their crit- zweig, the author of this article, is currently cal, and Carmesian ics.xiii Famed geneticist and part-time English asleep. As far as we know he is not related to BY: Rabbi Shalom Carmy Jay Leno, and Conan O’Brien rolled into one, person R. N. A. Whybray wrote, in the 1970s, any YU Rashei Yeshivah. In addition, Mr. except he never conflicted with himself about a stinging critique of Badehäuser. Whybray Rosenzweig would like it to be made clear that his time slot – and it was very exciting. They pointed out a logical paradox inherent in Bade- this article was authored entirely by himself, here are three types of stories: true were switching off between lomdus and bash- häuser’s theory: Badehäuser assumed that the without the interference of any editors or stories, truer stories, and truant ing Haredim and political philosophy and Ger- article had been authored by internally consis- redactors. stories.” The truest words ever man philology, and Battle of Wounded Knee, tent authors, yet redacted by internally incon- “T said. To quote Carmychael: “The author of the and religious perspicacity. That was the knight sistent redactors. “It’s like Joyce writing words in quotation is sitting in the room here that changed my life forever, when the riding Shakespeare,” Whybray was known to say fre- i “Documentary Hypothesis.” Wikipedia, the right now as I solitarily write this in confine- horseman dove at the R-v but was parried ex- quently at cocktail parties. Free Encyclopedia. Accessed: February 21, ment in my Brooklyn apartment.” pertly by the Torah u-Madda sword and shield. Dr. Elman James, of the University of 2010. Available at: http://en.wikipedia.org/ In order to properly analyze these three Of course, most people forget that knight, be- Oslo, has voiced a more serious concern. “I wiki/Documentary_hypothesis. categories of stories (or catestories, as some cause it was the same night as the Miracle on find it strange that the so-called ‘Documentary ii “Wikidokumentarischens” on two triple- have termed it), we will take the assistance of Ice in Lake Spastic, 1980. Documentary Hypothesis’ was posited solely word-scores. In 1890, it was surpassed by a story. Once upon a werewolf, it was the last Some stories are best told not as stories, in regard to a single Wiki,” he remarks. “Bade- Heimlich Magenschmerzen with Constantino- häuser and his followers were not trained in the plischendudelsackmachengesellschaft. Need- full breadth of Wikipedia scholarship, and less to say, neither score has been beaten since their time not a single WikiCritic has ap- outside of Germany. plied these critical techniques to other iii Pronounced “PIZ-ge-doo.” Wikipedia pages. To even suggest that the Gil- iv Verb-Subject-Object. Also known, for insur- gamesh Wiki or the Enuma Elish Wiki, for ex- ance purposes, as Verb-Agent-Object. ample, were written by a dozen different v Subject-Verb-Object. We bet you could’ve people – it would be ridiculous! Clearly, these figured that one out on your own. Without ADHD guys have something against the DH.” looking at this footnote. Shame on you. Continental scholars have also been critical of vi Albrecht “Ctrl” Alt, Gott der Väter: Ein the ADHD. Princeton professor Rocci Ratons- Beitrag zur Vorgeschichte der Dokumen- Laveurs has attacked the recent trends in criti- tarischen Religion (Stuttgart: IBM-Verlag, cal Wikipedia scholarship on aesthetic 1929), pp. 113-114, supra, ad hoc, quod est et grounds: “C’est trop désordonné – J, P, D, Q – sequens (s. l. et a.). comme la soupe alphabet. Le plus gros prob- vii Taken from the work The Documentary Doc- The Police Philosopher lème de Badehäuser est qu’il n’est pas pro- umentary Hypothesis and the Composition of possible day to say kiddush levanah and every- but as television shows. It is for this reason pre.”xiv the Documentary Hypothesis (Jerusalem: Man- one was congregating outside, waiting for the that I have memorized all four seasons of Po- However, recent and startling archaeolog- ganese Press, 1943) by famed WikiCritic and clouds to clear away. Finally, at the last possi- lice Philosopher, my favorite TV show. I hold ical evidence has come to light which supports part-time opera singer Umberto “Moshe” Cas- ble moment, the sky cleared up, and everyone public showings of the favored episodes from the Badehäuser Hypothesis. The 2010 discov- suto. While himself highly critical of Bade- was able to say kiddush levanah, and then the time to time in my apartment in Brooklyn. I ery by a team of British archeologists of the häuser and the German WikiCritics, Cassuto werewolf came out in his full glory and threat- have also memorized every line on the Simp- “discussion tab” located at the head of the web- later remarked that “Richard Wagner wrote ened to eat them. Now, the story ends the way sons, though I have never watched the show, page proved to be an unexpected windfall for some pretty good tunes.” it ends, but what is important for our purposes by reading the transcripts online (I have simi- Documentary Hypothesis scholars. “Not only viii Or, when contrasted with later redactors, is to note that this is a truer story. It may or larly done this with 70% of the material aired do we now have concrete evidence that the text “JE.” may not have happened (as it happens, this one on television over the past 70 years, especially has undergone multiple redactions,” said Wi- ix In German, of course. did take place, in Flatbush on October 13, British ‘50s comedy…). There are (Upper) kiCritic and part-time alligator wrestler Joseph x Later scholars have, after extensive research, 1986), but it is truer because it “can help dram- West Side Stories, horror stories, and R-v sto- “Joe” Blanketsopp, “but we even have what discovered a sentence nearly identical to this atize and clarify whatever I [was] teaching” at ries – in short, lots of stories. appears to be a record of conversations be- one inside a fortune cookie. the time. My favorite story involves a Chasidishe tween the redactors themselves.” xi Badehäuser, p. 17. I have skipped over the true stories for a Rebbe, the Doyver Shekorim, who is really a The discussion tab sheds light on the con- xii Or Gush – we’re not sure which. certain reason, but I will definitely get back to disguised vampire, and he tries to seduce a cer- tributions of the currently recognized redactors xiii Like any good hypothesis. them later. tain eyshes chayyil, but I do not want to give as well as redactors and editors whose words xiv Ratons-Laveurs, Personal communication: Truant stories relate to my escapades that away too many details of that story in this are not found in extant manuscripts of the web- Brown paper bag, behind the dumpster on 42nd I undertook while missing school and evading forum. I also like the stories of hopscotch con- page. “We’ve found a new redactor –we call Street, 2009. my truant officer, Effie Urbach. Most of these tests between all the Greek philosophers and him the ‘frum’ redactor – whose sole contribu- xv More recent evidence has indicated that this stories involve intellectual history of Hazal, R. Akiva on one side, and Mike Ditka and the tion to the article was the sentence: ‘James author’s identity could be connected to the ini- and you can hear about them in the Intellectual Briskers on the other, captured on video on Kugel is an appikoros.’xv It seems to have been tials “MJB,” a moniker traced to other postings History class. The ones that do not involve in- YouTube.i deleted only last week,” enthused Joseph Blan- associated with his IP address. tellectual history are not really worth hearing I have recently begun working on a book ketsopp’s sister.xvi The material recovered in xvi And part-time alligator wrestler. about anyway, so you can ignore them. that collects all of my narratives into one co- the discussion tab is providing contemporary xvii Actual names from the actual “Documen- Anyway, not all stories are about me; hesive story of Jewish history. It is called “The scholars a truly remarkable insight into the tary Hypothesis” discussion page. Honest. some are about the R-v, Rabbi Joseph B., mas- Making of a Carmy,” and it hits bookshelves inner workings of the DH’s scribal community. ter educator of the past century, who taught this coming May. “Obviously,” admitted Blanketsopp, people like me, was my Rebbe, Jam Master 3, “there are many questions that must still be an- drove an SUV, father of three, etc. Anyway, swered. We know practically nothing about the Rav appeared on the Johnny Carson Show i Accessible at: http://www.youtube.com/watch the redactors themselves. We have their names – he was the combination of David Letterman, ?v=ur5fGSBsfq8. – ‘Taiwan boi,’ ‘SlimVirgin,’ ‘PiCo’xvii – but

14 www.kolhamevaser.com Volume III, Issue 5 Purim Issue Kol Hamevater: cjf winter missions focus on The New Jewish Thought Magazine of the Yeshiva University Student Body repairing the world BY: Chaya Citrin cation and their excommunication of us from BY: Noam Friedman “Life Cereal” raffle) and protested loudly. “I the YU community. However, in deference to think we convinced some people that the A kol kore, signed by a number of promi- the Rashei Yeshivah and in the interest of re- mezuzot in those flowery cases were way nent YU Rashei Yeshivah, has recently begun joining the mainstream YU velt, we have de- During the winter break, the Center for overpriced,” said Sel M. Ello-Kim, an SSSB circulating around the Wilf and Beren Cam- cided to be mevatter and abandon Kol Jeopardizing the Future (CJF) coordinated senior. “‘2 for 2 grand?’ You’ve gotta be kid- puses. Citing the well-known biblical dictum, Hamevaser. We anticipate that this decision several service missions to exotic North ding me. I could’ve spent my summer basking “Ha-Kol kol Ya’akov ve-ha-mevasser yedei will result in the immediate repeal of the American locations. The unifying theme of in the Miami sun, but I felt a moral obligation Eisav (the voice is the voice of Ya’akov, and herem, allowing our female staff members to the three trips was tikkun olam, loosely trans- to come out here and repair the world, you the herald is the hands of Eisav),”i the signato- read the megillah this Purim.” lated as “repairing the world.” One trip know?” ries have pronounced a herem against the edi- Although the former Kol Hamevaser staff brought students to Bibb County, Alabama, an A third mission travelled to Federal Cor- tors and staff writers of Kol Hamevaser, the members took an ostensibly conciliatory ap- area with not only the third lowest high school rection Institute Butner Medium in Butner, so-called “Jewish Thought Magazine of the proach in dealing with their excommunication graduation rate in all of Alabama but the high- North Carolina, the facility in which Bernie Yeshiva University Student Body.” by shutting down their magazine, they imme- est national per-capita rate of devious hus- Madoff is incarcerated, to protest a group at- Male editors and staff writers are no diately established a new journal, entitled “Kol bands who prepare and send divorce tempting to release Madoff from prison. longer allowed to receive aliyyot at YU Hamevater.” One Kol Hamevater editor pro- documents only to subsequently nullify them, “We’re very proud of all the students minyanim, and female editors and staff writers vided justification, “In keeping with Kohelet’s notifying neither the messenger nor the who participated in these missions,” remarked will not be allowed to read the megillah at the teaching, ‘ve-zarah ha-shemesh u-va ha- would-be divorcee. “We had no idea what we Benny Lander, Dean of the CJF. “We try to in- women’s megillah reading on the Beren Cam- shamesh (the sun rises and the sun sets),’vii we, were getting fuse the student pus.ii The herem affects not only the staff of the the former staff of Kol Hamevaser, have re- ourselves into,” body with a publication, but the newed our mission to readership as well. Due provide a forum for said Orly spirit of leader- to the suspicion that the free discussion of Goyim, a SCW ship and sense readers of Kol controversial and junior who par- of responsibil- Hamevaser may, has ve- nominally interesting ticipated in the ity to Kelal Yis- shalom, agree with the issues in Jewish mission, coined rael such that “apikorsusdik devarim thought.” ODD (Opera- they will help betelim”iii printed in the Interest in the tion Divorce build and sup- magazine, Rashei first issue of Kol Defense). “As port communi- Yeshivah have prohib- Hamevater is high, as soon as we ties that ited the consumption of Rashei Yeshivah wait landed at Birm- embody the vi- meat slaughtered by to see how, if at all, ingham Interna- sion and pro- readers of Kol Kol Hamevater will tional, we were mote the values Hamevaser.iv differ from its black- horded into tiger of Yeshiva Uni- Student response to sheep older brother. trucks and told versity.” Added the kol kore has been Due to the unprece- to patrol the Lander: “We minimal due to the lim- dented high profile streets, search- also want to in- ited number of students that the kol kore gen- ing for conniv- spire our stu- aware of Kol Hamevaser’s existence. One stu- erated for Kol Hamevater, conspiracy theories ing, dents to force dent, however, questioned the herem’s force, have already begun to abound regarding the spontaneous divorce nullifiers.” The students joint slave-owners whose partners have al- remarking that he does not think that Kol true origins of the herem. One particularly spent the duration of the mission on patrols ready freed their partial share of slaves to re- Hamevaser has “davening types” on staff any- popular theory is that the introduction of the such as these, stopping only briefly to eat, linquish their portion of these slaves as well. way. The Environmental/Energy Club released herem was just a pathetically elaborate market- sleep, pray, and gallivant about town with rub- That’s really what Yeshiva University is all a statement online condemning the kol kore as ing ploy executed by the Kol Hamevaser edi- ber hats on their heads. “It was hard work,” about.” a waste of paper: “As everyone knows, no one tors to create interest in their unpopular continued Goyim, “but we knew that we were reads Kol Hamevaser anyway. As such, the publication. making the world a better place.” wanton killing of trees that was perpetrated in Across the continent, in Sheba, New Noam Friedman is a Junior at YC major- the publication of this kol kore was unneces- Chaya Citrin is a senior at SCW and is ex- Brunswick, another group of determined YU ing in Psychology. He has issued many sary and constitutes a violation of the biblical cited to graduate before any more haramim students was also trying to make a difference pruzbols but has never participated in a CJF prohibition of bal tashhitv.” The YU Tolerance can be leveled against her. Club also issued an official announcement on in the world. Sheba, a relatively quiet town, mission. its Facebook page in response to the herem: “In springs to life for three weeks out of the year the spirit of acceptance and understanding, we i Genesis 27:22. for the annual Sheba University Book Sale. tolerate the Rashei Yeshivah’s herem, but we ii YU has decided to permit a women’s The sale, run in its entirety by undergraduate refuse to endorse it. We invite the staff and megillah reading this year in order to have a students, is the largest vendor of sifrei Torah, readers of Kol Hamevaser to eat fleyshigs with medium through which to exercise the herem tefillin and mezuzot in North America. As us at our club meetings in the Heights Lounge, against the female members of the Kol such, Jews from the four corners of Canada unless they are vegetarians. In that case, we Hamevaser staff. flock to Sheba during these three weeks, eager admire their self-discipline and ethical in- iii See the text of the kol kore posted in Nagel to shell out exorbitant sums of money to meet tegrity and invite them to partake in our Bagel. the ludicrous prices the sale has set for these monthly tofu potluck dinner.”vi iv See Estee Goldschmidt, “Chabad: Issues that items. The YU mission, dubbed SSS (Stop- The official response by the Kol Have Not Been Discussed on Campus,” Kol ping the Sta”m Swindle), was planned in an Hamevaser staff has been uncharacteristically Hamevaser 3,4 (February 2010): 11. attempt to protest overspending for these sa- non-confrontational. It has simply officially v Deuteronomy 20:19-20. cred articles. Students set up outside the sale disbanded. One former Kol Hamevaser editor vi Available at: http://www.facebook.com/ (between the booth collecting money for the explained, “We respectfully disagree with the group.php?gid=34947151003. Organization for the Ruining of the Aguddah Rashei Yeshivah’s condemnation of our publi- vii 1:5. and the booth selling tickets for the Gift of

Volume III, Issue 5 www.kolhamevaser.com 15 Kol Hamishtakker -- : . ’ ,   ” By: Dr. Fish Editor’s note: The following is an anno- tated version of an article reprinted from Purim “I’d like to add,” says the Carmy-Army-Man,v One Jew, Hamevaser 5750 (the Phenomenavaser) 29,4 “That Torah U’Madda is Kierkegaardian.vi Two Jew, (1990): 4-5. Me Jew, “Now take the limo on a little Lamm ride, You Jew. In this wide world from Grundoon to Granada Up to a penthouse on the Upper West Side,vii No one has ever seen Torah U’Madda. The President gives away books by the dozen, viii Smart Jew, Come with us North, with us South, West and On Torah U’Madda and Chaim Volozhin. Dumb Jew, East, Fray Jew, Together we’ll search for this mythical beast. “Where has that Torah U’Madda thing went... Frum Jew. Where has it gone, to where was it sent? First we will visit Mt. Muddle-Dum- I think I can say, without confabulation, This one has a long white beard, Dominick That this office of mine needs more informa- This one looks a little weird. Home of the last living Torah U’Madda-nik. tion. “Recall, I recall,” he says with redundance, ix Yes! Some are Yeshivish, “When Torah U’Madda was found in abun- “Our promising Project progresses apace, And some are Chasidish, dance. With lectures and lectures all over the place. x Some are even Jews for Jesus! Refer to our journal quite stuffed with alotta “We’d pluck it off vines, fish it out of the sea. Talkin’ and balking ‘bout Torah and Madda.” My clothes are old, We’d harvest it right off the Synthesis Tree. Here are some who sit and learn – When I went to the shadchan I was told, Of course, the Torah-Onlies were oftentimes “And what of the Ramim who roam around They never look at girls from Stern – “Where was your education? fumin’ RIETS, From here to there, What kind of denomination? Seeing us feasting on John Cardinal Newman.i Do they look beyond the Ketzos to read From there to here, Bobov, Satmar or Boyaner? Keats?” They want to sit and learn in Mir. Sefardi? Litvak? Galitzyaner?” “They told us Philosophy Fruit could be harm- ful. We ask a Parnesian,xi “Sir does your teacher Who am I? My name is Nat, “I don’t know – I’m just a Jew!” But didn’t Maimonides eat by the armful? Believe in a Torah U’Madda-like creature?” I used to wear a big black hat. “Aha! You must be from YU! They answered ‘Your Monides may, but ours But he keeps on learning, like he never heard. Until my friend said, “Don’t wear that! From me, a shidduch you’ll never get would never He answers my question, not saying a word. I know you go on the Internet!” Engage in a non-Torah-only endeavor.’ “Just wear your serugi, if you’re able Now come take a ride on the Schachter Ex- The last thing you want is a label!” Did you ever think, my friends, “‘And what about Hirsch?,’ we challenged that press.xii If our fighting ever ends, troupe, A tour of the Shas in two hours or less. Say – what a lot of Jews there are! Even if I’m not Chasidish, ‘He had a recipe for Synthesis Soup.’ “Can we stop in Madda-Land?” I would like to They come from near, they come from far, And I can’t speak any Yiddish, ‘He didn’t! He didn’t!’ cried the Breuer Boys know. Some are new and some are old, Could we unite, Choir,ii “No time, we have four hundred shitos to go.” But all will eventually get pigeonholed. Instead of fight? ‘Anyone saying he did is a liar!’ Next we will visit the Tendler-Lab-Lair,xiii Once we had a great big box, Will we ever learn to love? “‘No Torah U’Madda! That beast is a myth, Home of the Prince Pre-Med, the Quoter of It could hold all the Orthodox; I do not know, go ask your rov. No realer than Feeler-Fa-Zooms from Fa-Zith!’ Shver,xiv Side by side we slept and ate, But despite all the nays of those nay-saying He says, “Queen Ester, your question has an We learned to accept and tolerate. sayers, easy solution, Dr. Fish (YC ‘79, AECOM ‘83) may or We placed Torah U’Madda – just without other More easy than ethics or than evolution. But one day came a great divide, may not bear any relation to Dr. Horse. players.” Torah U’Madda means Law and Biology, We cannot live side by side! It doesn’t include that humanisticology.” If you don’t have sidelocks, Away from this mountain – Let’s head for the We can’t stay in the same big box! Gush! Maybe Rav Rosensweigxv knows where to find And if you want to go to RIETS – ah, Where Rav Lichtenstein tends to the poetry it? We’ll have to make a big mechitzah! bush,iii “First, we must count all the ways to define it. Speaking of “But,” “While on the other hand,” Then we’ll examine the theories behind it. They sadly left – the Modern Orthodox, Dancing to an utterly Acharon-less band. Read all the rishonim, and then we’ll refine it. You see, they never had sidelocks. Far away they built their box, Then we are told, “The problematic is plural, “Watch out for aspects that might undermine it. From the Charedim, who were throwing rocks. The tension’s two-tiered, the dilemma is dual, And notice the shitos who like to malign it. God is our guide, the Torah totality, Then, if there’s time, we will try to assign it My hands are cold, Yet Danteiv can deepen our spi-rit-uality.” To where God’s expecting us all to consign it.”

16 www.kolhamevaser.com Volume III, Issue 5 Purim Issue  

Now we are done, yet there’s so much to do, Work that will fill up a lifetime or two. “Bistu Modernish?”/“Are You Modern Orthodox?”: Maybe you’ll work on this after YU, I can’t imagine work finer. Can you? A Cautionary Tale (with a Bit of Social Commen- i A 19th-century Catholic priest. The reference i,ii probably has no relation to the Seinfeld char- tary) from the Vimsical Velt of Dr. Schmuess acter, as this piece was originally written after BY: Dr. Schmuess In a town well-known for its Judaica shop. only one season of the show. “You mean what you say and you say what you He approached one teenager carrying a box, ii The shul near Mount Sinai regularly has mean, And he asked, “My friend, are you Modern Or- young Yekkies sing, in what is often a painful Translator’s Note: The following is a But your mind’s as complex as a soup tureen! thodox?” proceeding. translation from the Yiddish of Dr. Schmuess’s You say you are modern, but from hearing you iii See Rabbi , “‘The Woods classic essay entitled “Bistu Modernish?” speak, The boy replied, “Dude, you got the right guy! are Lovely, Dark and Deep’ – Reading a Poem vi by Robert Frost,” Alei Etzion 16 (2009): 129- Originally published in the Fall 1922 edition I can see in your mind, your soul and your Yeshiva high school is where go I. 134. Obviously this article could not have been of Tradition, this masterpiece quickly became pleak, We have for an hour, and do Science and the intention of the author, but it is most defi- a standard text for introductory collegiate Math, vii nitely the closest thing to a poetry bush that one through graduate studies of Modern Ortho- And we read Walt Whitman and Sylvia Plath. can find written by Rav Lichtenstein, shlit”a. doxy. Unfortunately, as the Yiddish language iv This author has apparently not read much fell into disuse in the world of higher educa- “On Shabbos, teen ’s the place to be, more than one page of Rav Lichtenstein’s writ- tion, English texts replaced the old Yiddish But of course Minchah’s optional – anyway, ings. In his Leaves of Faith: The World of Jew- sources and “Bistu Modernish?” became a lit- I’m asleep by three. ish Learning (Jersey City, NJ: Ktav, 2003), p. tle-known relic of the past. It might sound a bit strange, but as you can see 114, Rav Lichtenstein mentions both Dante and The present translation – the first rendi- – a short analysis of Frost’s poem. tion of this essay into English – along with its It’s modern and Orthodox, and it works for me! v Possibly a prophetic reference to the course accompanying footnotes, was prepared by R. Carmy will co-teach next semester on “Mil- Riley Chapman with help from Google® “You’ll have to excuse me – my cell phone is itary Ethics.” Translate™, an old and battered Yiddish-Eng- ringing, vi He’s Soren. lish dictionary, and some clever guesswork. And I’m going to a play where my girlfriend vii This refers to the apartment building that Han Thanks go to Green Vault, Mountain Dew is singing!” Solo and Indiana Jones live in. Code Red, Mike, and Ike for their assistance in A bit disillusioned, Yitzy said, “Thanks,” viii Nowadays, during the current presidential refining and editing this work. And held back his internal vomit tanks. era, you can go to Riverdale and President Richard M. Joel will give away West Wing Yitzy was such a wonderful boy. He thought, “This kid’s in the community, videos. Oh, how he brought those around him such But he’s clearly deficient spiritually! ix This refers to the “Torah u-Madda Project,” a joy! Where is the passion, the drive, the resolve, creature specific to the late ‘80s that yielded An Israeli yeshivah on a beautiful hill – Which I saw in yeshivah? Around here, it’s many Club Hour presentations and somehow That was where, of Torah, he found his fill. dissolved! still managed to foster almost no Torah u- Daf after daf, he grew and he shtayged, Yet perhaps, before I reject what I see, Madda-ism on campus. He sharpened his head and galoofed and fur- I should ask some folks who are wiser than x The Torah u-Madda Journal, which first ap- mayged! “That despite all that you may say or do, me.” peared in 1989, was a direct product of the The definition of MO is unknown to you!” Torah u-Madda Project. See R. Dr. J.J. Schac- One day, it was time to go take on the world, With that, General Zeeko Fala turned aside, A few hours later, Yitzy spotted a rav, ter’s discussion of the history of this project in To seek his fortune and zadice some gumlurld. Marched off to the distance (and, possibly, Dressed warmly, including a long coat and pp. 13-14 of the first Torah u-Madda Journal So off Yitzy set, excited yet scared, died). gloves, volume. To deal with the “outside” for which he’d pre- A hat and a beard and a sefer in hand, xi This refers to a student of R. Yehuda Parnes, pared. Yitzy thought to himself, “The general’s right! He thought, “Maybe this rabbi will under- formerly a right-wing Rosh Yeshivah at YU For might as I try and try as I might, stand!” who is now a Rosh Yeshivah at Lander College Soon after he’d left, not even an hour, I cannot – I cannot – clearly define for Men (remind me what the difference is, Another approached with an expression quite That which directs me and inspires my mind!” He said, “Sir, you look as clever as a fox! again?). sour – Please tell me – are you Modern Orthodox?” xii R. Hershel Schachter, then as now, moves in A monocled man, quite tall and obese,iii So, being an honest and upright young man, The rav smiled and chuckled, and said, “Cer- shiur at the pace of a speeding bullet. Looking as if he would eat Yitzy’s wheese! Yitzy came up with a brand new plan. tainly! xiii The rabbi who has a Ph.D. in Biology and an Right there and right then, not a moment’s I believe in parnasah quite faithfully! M.D. in his name and teaches pre-Med courses Said the man, “I am General Zeekoiv Fala, delay, in YC and has a permanent lair in the Furst Hall And I demand of you, what is your He set off on a quest (he’s still on it today), “I lead a shul that says ‘Avinu she-ba- basement. (Not to be confused with the rabbi Hashkafah?” Shamayim,’ who has a Ph.D. in and a Relieved that his wheese was safe in his chest, To gather the data as best as he could, Though I don’t say ‘amen’ (because that would J.D. in his name, who teaches law school Yitzy replied, “My vocab’s not the best, To make sure he truly understood, be lying – courses… Wow, that was complicated!) That with which the general knocked off his I don’t think it’s ‘reshis tzmichas ge’ulaseinu’). xiv His father-in-law, Rav Moshe Feinstein, z”l. But as sure as all Jews love bagels and lox,v socks – But why do you ask? What’s it to you?” xv Jr., not Sr. Don’t be confused, like you were I – yes, sir, I – am Modern Orthodox!” The question, “What is Modern Orthodox?” over this past Shabbat. Said Fala, “As I thought, a simple freshback! Yitzy responded, “I’m trying to define A flip-out who’s right on the kolel track! It was rather soon that Yitz made his first stop, What’s modern and what’s not – where is the Volume III, Issue 5 www.kolhamevaser.com 17 Kol Hamishtakker line?” “And basically all that we have in our day “If so,” thought our hero, “I have not a choice, The neck and below were enshrouded in silk. The rabbi guffawed, amused and plurdawl, Is Hammurabi’s code, read the Jewish way!viii I must hear an authentic Modern-O voice! Tzitzis hung down, gleaming white as pure “When you chap the answer, please give me a By the way, did you go to ? milk, call! I’m trying to get a job in their Machon.”ix “I must journey to the Modern world’s center; With one light-blue string attached to each The monster’s labyrinth is where I must enter!” group. “I know where I stand, but others debate, Yitzy could tell something here was amiss, And so, intending to split wrong from right, The whole picture threw our dear Yitz for a And I’ve yet to meet one who can set everyone So politely he did himself dismiss, He set off to Washogezuntingon Heights. loop! straight! And, glad that he knew when something was They want to say Madda is useful and good, wrong, Glancing around in this brand-new context, Yitzy said, “Baruch Hashem, I am fine! That to learn it is something a Jew can and He ever-so-quickly moved right along. Yitzy was shocked, confused and perplexed. And if I may have just one minute of time, should, For rather than one uniform type of Jew, I must ask you that which does gore my mind’s After that troubling communication, Each one was different, through and through! ox.xvi “But Shas u-Poskim say differently, Yitzy broke off for a brief vacation, Dear brother, are you Modern Orthodox?” And yet they persist rebelliously!” And entered a building of wood, glass, and He asked one student sporting T-shirt and Yitzy then questioned, “What makes you mod- stone – Crocs®, Duvie replied, “But of course, can’t you see? ern?” A yeshivish Beis Medrash, to learn on his own, “Dear talmid, pray tell – are you Modern Or- I am one thousand percent Tziyyoni! The rabbi replied, “Are your ears full of klurn? thodox?” Science and Math – that’s not at the center; To do some chazarah and calm his poor mind. The fellow replied, “My name is Sam, Our main goal is Eretz Yisrael to enter. “I told you before – one should have a job. But he was cut short by a tap from behind: But you can call me Lamm-I-Am!xi It’s the one valid point in the whole mishk- “Excuse me, dear bochur, I simply must ask, “Finding a way to make aliyyah, abob.” (Though it is a somewhat unpleasant task): “I spend several hours each day in the ‘Beit.’ Is right at the crux of our dear Hashkafah. Downcast and forlorn, Yitzy turned away, There isn’t a night I don’t go to sleep late. Clothing and such – these are all just external, Thinking, “My hopes were so high that it’d “From your clothes, and the accent of your And yet more important in my own worldview, (Though they may help us to serve the Eter- pay, voice-box, Is that secular studies – Madda, mind you – nal,) It seems to me that you’re Modern Orthodox!” “To speak with him – yet he’s off the wall! Yitz spun around to see who had spoken, “Is not just the icing on top of the cake. “But when you get down to the basic yesodos, That man is not modern, not modern at all!” And saw an old rabbi looking heartbroken. This is the philosophy of my namesake! Just look at all the essential mekoros – Only through Madda can we serve the Lord. Ein Ayah and Likkutei Moharan, While Yitz considered what to do next, Yitzy just nodded and asked, “What is wrong?” Torah and Madda are like the Megazord™, Lev ha-Shamayim (it’s so high, my son), He spotted a professor, engrossed in a text, The rabbi replied, “You’ve been fooled all A small serugah gracing his head. along! “Uniting together to form a great whole, “Orot by Ha-Ravxvii and Kol Dodi Dofek. Surely this one would be more well-read! I was the best talmid in the Rav’s shi’ur, Like lettuce and tomatoes in a great salad bowl. Get the truth straight, for all of our sakes! I drank from his Torah year after year, I would not eat green eggs and ham, Of course, don’t forget about Am Yisrael; Yitz cried, “Perhaps you’ll solve my paradox! I would not eat them with strawberry jam.xi We must take them out of this Galus jail-cell. O, wise-looking man, are you Modern Ortho- “I took in each gem that he had to say; dox?” Twelve decades in all I spent in this way. “But I would study them seriously, “With music and dancing and small Breslov Pushing his glasses to the bridge of his nose, The modern world quotes him as their inspira- Compare their values to a tree,xi books, The professor replied, “Just look at me – it tion, Criticize them morally, We’ll soon bring Mashiach! For joy! Oh, gad- shows! As if loyalty to him is their motivation, And analyze them scientifically. zooks!”xviii Caught off-guard by Duvie’s exuberance, “In all that I do and I think and I say, “But let it be known, he’d have never ap- “I would not eat them in the shower, Yitzy joined Duvie for a brief dance. I’m Modern Orthodox in every way! proved, I would not eat them with a flower.xiv I have no pretense of close-mindedness, Of the direction the movement has moved. I’ll just use them to make a kiddush Hashem. Then Yitzy said, “My friend, I must go. So I know that the monster who lives in Loch He never held of the Israeli Medinah! The Torah-only folks – well, I’ll show them! My journey is long; please don’t say no!” Ness, Torah u-Madda is not le-cha-tchillah! With that, the two newfound friends parted “I’ll write and talk, philosophize, ways, “More likely exists than Creation occurred – “He’d never allow a mixed kiddush in shul, Show that they’re all a pack of lies! Perhaps to meet, following many more days. That silly thee-oh-ree has since been interred. And he didn’t found Maimonides School. Torah u-Madda will carry the day, Evolutionists and Bible critics, Last night, the Rav came to me in a dream! And blast its enemies out of the way. Thinking he’d found what was there to be For our silly myths, are quite the fix! He said, ‘Shmiel Yankel, it’s truly obscene, found, “I will not eat green eggs and ham. Yitzy decided to travel downtown. “Adam and Noah and the Fathers three “‘The way that the world misuses my name. I will not eat them, Lamm-I-am!” A subway ride later and two dollars lighter, Are brilliant creations of J, E, P, and D, The things that they do – they put me to Slightly confused by this fancy oration, Yitzy emerged to a world that seemed brighter. Though of course all inspired by the Lord shame!’ And (in his mind) questioning his motivation, Above, So if you had thought to follow this track, Buildings were taller, with grand architecture. Which is why I study their works with love. I beg you – to true Torah, please do come Yitz said, “I thank you for this Musar “This must be Midtown,” Yitzy did conjecture. back!” schmooze. Combing the turf for some Jewish sign, “My son, I am thrilled that you’ve asked me But I must ask more people – what have I to Hoping for luck – that his stars would align – this question. His head spinning from what Reb Shmiel had lose?” (The answer, of course, may need some diges- said, Yitzy perceived a great gaggle of girls, tion.) Yitz barely managed, “I must clear my head. Yitzy continued to wander around, Skirts and long sleeves, a couple in curls. For all roads must lead to the academic, I thank you most kindly for the input, Seeing the sights and absorbing the sounds. Trailing them, Yitzy found out their home base. Who’ll fill your mind with his brilliant But if I seek truth and not giddlywhoot, As he watched one fellow after another, If there was what to learn, this was the place! polemic, Yitz heard, “I’m Duvie.xv How are you, my “I cannot allow one man’s word to prevail, brother?” On a street corner, two women in hats – “And tell you the truth, with not one bit of lie Especially not with a mechudishex tale. One wearing heels, the other in flats – On those things distorted by your rabbi. But if I hear more folks agreeing with you, Speedily finding the one who’d said hi, Stood looking angry, engaged in debate. The Talmudic sages were miserable quacks, I’ll listen to you more – I promise! I do!” Yitzy could not quite believe his two eyes. Yitz hoped that one of them could set him Who couldn’t quite tell their fronts from their A beard and long peyes surrounded a face, straight. backs, Yitzy now knew he could not pause his quest, Topped by a large srugi, slightly off-place. He couldn’t get one precious moment of rest. Yitzy asked them, “Can you pause for a bit?

18 www.kolhamevaser.com Volume III, Issue 5 Purim Issue There is just one question I’d like to submit, Managing this without breaking his pace. And entered glass doors, which slammed shut Heavy as those buildings dotting these blocks. with might. “A light to the nations is what we must be Please tell me – are you Modern Orthodox?” Racing to follow this entrepreneur, (Our nation excepted, obviously.) (Though he did not seem so frum, to be sure), Ere Yitzy managed to take this all in, Come, join with me on a marvelous quest. One woman laughed at Yitz’s inquiry. Yitzy caught up and gave a loud call, He heard a call which around made him spin. Of God’s true servants, we’ll surely be best!” The other one smiled and said, “Yes, times “Excuse me – yes, you, you young pro-feh- “You there, young Jew, would you mind if we three! sho-nawl, talked? Yitz replied, “Thanks, but we’re on different I am a trained yo’etzet Halachah. I heard what you heard from that man that you planes. Each day I field questions in Hilchot Niddah! “I must ask – are you Modern Orthodox?” stalked. Well, if I’m honest – I think you’re insane! “Yes,” he replied, “and I work here in stocks. Our precious Torah – it tells us what’s right. “I do daf be-iyyun and I teach Tanach, Each day’s 16 hours, clock-in to clock-out, “I am quite sure that you’ve taken some Frauds just like you – it’s just not worth the (Although my true passion is Rambam with With just a lunch break – for ten minutes, shocks. fight. Grach). about. Let me tell you about Modern Orthodox! I am living proof that in today’s age, My name is Rabbi Joe Yankelweissram. “With little respect, I bid you adieu, Women have roles to play on Torah’s stage. “My family doesn’t get much sight of me, I’ve made my job to uncover each sham, Hoping I’ll never again witness you.”xxiv But off to yeshivah I’ll send my kids three, Shocked at these words, Rabbi Y. said, “Har- “While my dear family is my true treasure, Preschool and day school (which cost too “Whether it comes from the left or the right. rumph,” Spreading the Torah is such a great pleasure. much money), I’ll work hard all day, and I’ll work hard all And walked off with anger and lollagalumph. This is enough to fill my life with light, High school, and Israel, where it’s oh-so- night, But my dear colleague thinks I can’t be right – sunny. Spreading the message which just must be Weary from all of his travels that day, Yitzy knew now that there was just one way, “That this type of role is just not enough. “I just hope that they To reach the real truth that had started this trip. Yet I disagree – it’s already tough, don’t decide to flip From Torah’s waters he must drink and sip, To mother and wive, to instruct and reply out. To questions. Who needs to be a rabbi?” That would be so Letting its beauty envelop his heart. tragic. Why, I’d So from busy Midtown he then did depart. The other one burst in, “Oh, pay her no mind! kick them out! Setting his sights for his previous stop, It’s just those Haredimxix – they’ve rendered In any event, as you Where his poor head at last he could drop, her blind! might have In our modern world, the glass ceiling must guessed, Into a good sugya, late-night in the Beis, crack, Shabbos is my one Yitzy returned to his previous place. Letting each person pursue the grand track, day when I can In the Beis Medrash, he found a good spot, rest. And he started reading, “Chezkas ha-Batt-” “Of being a rabbi, regardless of sex. Traditionalists can bite their own necks!xx “Honestly speaking, But before he reached “im,” a great kindly face True women’s rights must come to the fore, I’m mostly asleep; Appeared out of nowhere and swallowed the Whereas gender bias must exit the door! I spend the whole Beis. night and day just Now all was quite dark, with but one thing to “Empowerment – yes, that’s the way of the fu- counting sheep. see: ture. Don’t think, of A Cheshire-cat smile, as tall as a tree! The wounds on our women – for them, it’s the course, that to shul suture. I don’t go! Out of this smile materializing, When I was still young, they said, ‘You’re in- (I just might get there A wise-looking creature, constantly rising, sane! a little late, Appeared and said gently, “You’ve fallen Your dream of the rabbinate’s truly inane! though.) asleep. You’ve fallen asleep, asleep, so deep. “‘Just learn Tanach, Halachah and Musar, “If I did not, my week And, as a good wife, you’ll go oh-so-far! would be lacking, “You might be wondering what’s going on. Mothering – that’s where your true mission A fully-formed Jew- Well, I am here to help you, my son. lies.’ ish spiritual back- Due to my great size, they call me the SNORT. Well, I sure showed them – yes, I got my prize! ing – Do you want pshat? Well, here’s take the vort: Which is not to say “You see, my dear child, you now do lay eye, shul is no fun and “‘Modern Orthodoxy,’ as you call it, On Orthodoxy’s only woman rabbi! games. spread. Is just like money inside of your wallet. My new position, rabbinically cleared, For shul is an enterprise with several aims: Our great community has to be led, Assuming you have some, spend it as you By at least two folks each of whom has a please. beard, “To say Shemoneh Esreh, not just once but “To far greater heights than it’s been ‘til now. No one can stop you, or tell you to freeze. twice, Leaders with courage – they can show us how, “Will pave a new road, to be followed by lots, To let children play (I hope they don’t catch To balance these frustrating Orthodox rules, “I’m not quite sure if you got this at all, Who want to be Mahoxerozovalats!”xxi lice), With all the modern things taught in our So let me try a slightly different mashal: With these responses, which they felt sufficed, To catch up with friends on the latest sports schools. M.O.’s a term that has no real meaning, The two then resumed. How they fought, news, Like ‘army intel’ or even ‘dry cleaning.’ blurged, and quiced! Predict who’ll win next, and who’s gonna lose, “We must have the courage to pave a new road, Modern and Orthodox – both lines being toed. “(Honestly, what can you clean just with Somewhat afraid to remain in this setting, “To have a quick drink – maybe two, maybe Social justice, interfaith conversation, ‘dry?’xxv Yitz ran away, fast enough to start sweating.xxii more, Secular studies, women’s ordination, But now I digress. Alright, where was I?) To talk about our rabbi; he’s such a bore! Ah, yes, I was helping you sort it all out. Stopped at a corner to wait for a light, I’d tell you much more, but I have to go. “Throwing our standards for geirus away, And thus I do tell you, without any doubt, Yitz saw a young man who looked rather My meeting’s in here, in suite 15-O.”xxiii Letting anyone in Halachah hold sway, bright, Uniting with Jews, no matter how fray – “That M.O. cannot, just cannot, be defined. Stuffing a kippah into his briefcase, With these sudden words, he turned to the right This way the path of true progress does lie. How one applies it is left to each mind.

Volume III, Issue 5 www.kolhamevaser.com 19 Kol Hamishtakker Each unique person, in his or her way, I meant what I said, and I said what I meant; short form of “Beis Medrash” (see above); Tractate Bava Kamma. Through this refer- Interprets the term as seen fit on that day. I’m Modern Orthodox, one hundred percent!” Pshat – explanation; Vort – idea (lit., word); ence, Yitzy simultaneously implies that he is a Yid – Jew; Zugs – Anglicized version of the tam (simpleton) regarding the hashkafic issues “Now let me untie this grand human knot. Yitzy no longer travels the world, Yiddish word for “says”; Aseh Lecha Rav, ve- at hand and that he is mu’ad (prepared) for a Some are sincere, while others are not, Since seeing how the debate has unfurled. Chaver Keneh Lecha – distorted form of Avos discussion of these questions. Instead motivated by private concerns. With so many options plainly laid out, 1:6, meaning, “Assign for yourself a rabbi, and xvii As a member of the Dati Le’umi commu- This is the truth, as sure as the world turns. Yitz has become rather briggly-skout, acquire a friend for yourself”; Machsheves Yis- nity, Duvie refers to Rav Kook as “Ha-Rav.” rael – Jewish thought; Chashuv Me’od – very xviii Believe it or not, the word “gadzooks” is at “Ay, yet, here – yes, here, my boy – here is the On finding his answer – though the question important; Sod – secret; Nafeka Minah – ram- least 300 years old. See http://www.merriam- rub, stays; ification; Shittah – opinion. webster.com/dictionary/gadzooks. These words of the Sages you surely shan’t “What is Modern Orthodox?” in his head still iii The obesity of the general may be an indica- xix Pronounced “hair-dim.” snub: plays. tion of his breadth and depth of Torah knowl- xx It is unclear why this character chooses to “Who is the wise one? Who learns from each For Yitz has concluded, after deliberation, edge, a la the phrase, “one who has filled his compare traditionalists to both Ya’akov and man!”xxvi That it should not be his sole vocation, belly with Shas u-Posekim,” used in various Esav, based on Be-Reshis Rabbah 78:9. You must include this in your great learning halachic sources. xxi Some later versions of this text read, plan, To find his answer – for there’s no nafeka iv This may be a subtle, Ashkenized reference “Rabloxomonkengurbahs.” However, investi- minah, to the concept of zikkah, which refers to the re- gation of old manuscripts indicates that the “For whatever, whyever, each dear Yid zugs, As each individual will keep his own shittah. lationship of a yevamah to her dead husband’s word given is the correct original form. There’s what to learn from his or her ideas, All Yitz can do is find his own place, brother. The author may have intended to in- xxii By discussing sweating unnecessarily, the Whether they’re wrong or whether they’re And do his best, with God’s good grace, voke this idea in order to foreshadow Yitzy’s author seems to be referencing Pesachim 24b, right, upcoming loss of grounding and his ensuing which describes fruit juice as “mere sweat.” Whether they’re green, blue, mauve, fuchsia, To fix the world however he can – search for the sense of direction in life which The obvious implication is that through all his or white! To learn and grow and fulfill God’s plan. he once had. Alternatively, it may reference experiences, Yitzy is beginning to see results, But every so often, Yitz gets in a mood, the general’s imminent, untimely death. to squeeze the juice out of the experiences to “How can you choose which path you will fol- Where all he can do is sit and brood, v In this line, Yitzy demonstrates his limited fa- which he is being exposed. low? miliarity with world Jewry; few and far be- xxiii O is the 15th letter of the alphabet. It is un- Here’s the idea – please chew it and swallow – About these grand questions that once filled his tween are the Sephardic Jews who appreciate clear if this combination of letter and number Aseh lecha rav, ve-chaver keneh lecha! mind, bagels and lox. is intended to be symbolic in some way. Learn all you can from Hashem’s great Torah! And the quasi-answers that he left behind. vi This type of talk was way cool in 1964. Trust xxiv Although Rabbi Yankelweissram seems He thinks, contemplates, considers, reflects, me. much closer to Yitzy’s Hashkafah than most of “Study the breadth of Machsheves Yisrael, And tries to see if it all connects. vii Sylvia Plath (1932-1963) was a poet who the other characters, Yitzy reacts far more ve- Across the whole spectrum, from Brisk to Beit- committed suicide at a young age. This refer- hemently in this situation than in any other. El! And invariably – with innovation and flair, ence may hint at Yitzy’s perception that this This may stem from a feeling that, as opposed This is especially true for one man, He emerges with an article for Kol Hamevaser. form of Orthodoxy is essentially self-destruc- to a less serious but fundamentally religious in- Whose words are often distorted and canned. tive and cannot last. dividual, or a more right-wing person, Rabbi viii As with other exaggerated examples in this Yankelweissram represents a clear and present “I speak, of course, of Rabbi Soloveitchik. piece, it seems that this is meant as a typecast danger to the upkeep of the masorah within Some things that they’ve said in his name are extreme rather than an actual characterization Yitzy’s community. quite sick. i The original printing of this essay included of all academics, some of whom may actually xxv This joke was blatantly ripped off of: Jerry If you would like to know his true outlooks, the following introduction: be completely religious. Seinfeld, SeinLanguage (New York: Bantam Your real best bet is to read through his books. I would like to thank the inspirations for ix This seems to be a reference to the stereotyp- Books, 1993). this piece: the many volumes composed ical perception of Gush and its attached Ma- xxvi Avos 4:1. “One last advice bit which I’ve got to offer, by Theodore S. Geisel, the works of P.D. chon, one which might be accepted by this xxvii The SNORT may be Israeli, leading to a Before I move on to the next whipper- Eastman (particularly the classic Are You particular academic, rather than a real expres- mispronunciation of the word “whippersnap- snoffer,xxvii My Mother?), various rabbis in America sion of the author’s own perception of the per.” This might occur because in unpointed Is how to choose friends. This is chashuv and Erets Yisrael, community members, yeshivah. Hebrew, the letter “peh” may be pronounced me’od! and friends. On legal grounds, it should x This may be a paraprax on Yitzy’s part; he “p” or “f,” and vowels are left for the reader to Seek out those people who’ve realized this sod also be noted that all similarities to real implies that the very man who wishes to cast infer. Hence, the pronunciation “whipper- – persons or institutions, living or dead, the Rav as a more classically-oriented figure is snoffer” would be a perfectly understandable should only be considered intentional if it actually himself an innovator. mistake. The hypothesis that the SNORT is in- “Those of pure heart and pristine motivation, would not count as grounds for a lawsuit. xi This is definitely not meant to refer to Rabbi deed Israeli may garner further support from Those faithful to the Divine revelation, Also, they are all extremely exaggerated. Dr. Norman Lamm. The author does not have his usage of the term chashuv me’od in the next Those who completely and fully revere, Every last one. enough chutzpah to caricaturize him, nor is line. The great basic truths which a Jew must hold ii Some words were best left in their original there any particular motivation to do so. xxviii The green glow may hint that the SNORT dear. Yiddish and Hebrew. Hence, the following xii This may be an attempt by Lamm-I-am to is some sort of alien life form. (This would ob- translations may be helpful in understanding express that he is punctilious about mitzvah viously contradict the hypothesis, put forth in “Even if you and they aren’t the same, this piece: chap – understand; Shas u-Posekim observance, such that he would not eat straw- the previous footnote. that it is Israeli.) Alter- You must team up to succeed at this game. – the Talmud and its commentaries; Reshis berries for fear of consuming insects. natively, since green is the color of plant life, Now that I’ve said this, I really must go.” Tzmichas Ge’ulaseinu – the beginning of the xiii While his reference is most likely to a phys- it may suggest a moment of growth for Yitzy. And so the SNORT vanished, with greenxxviii flowering of our redemption; Parnasah – ical tree, Lamm-I-am may be subtly implying afterglow. livelihood; Beis Medrash – Jewish study hall; that he feels a need to compare green eggs and Chazarah – review; Talmid – student; Medinah ham with Torah, the Tree of Life. Yitzy awoke with a start, and thought, “Wow, – state; Le-cha-tchillah - ideal; Mechudishe – xiv It is unclear whether Lamm-I-am means that This SNORT guy is right! It all makes sense novel; Kippah Serugah/Srugi – knitted skull- he would not eat green eggs and ham while a now! cap; Peyes – side locks; Tziyyoni – Zionist; flower was present, or that he would not eat General Fala missed out on this lesson, aliyyah – immigration to Israel; Yesodos – ba- green eggs and ham with a flower as part of (Maybe because he was so busy fressin’). sics; Mekoros – sources; Daf be-Iyyun – daily what was being eaten. folio page of Talmud with in-depth study; xv We all know someone like this. But no real “The problem lies all across M-O-doxy! Rambam – Maimonides; Grach – R. Chaim person fulfills all the criteria. It’s so undefined – what does he want from Soloveitchik; Geirus – conversions; Fray – xvi The idea of goring oxen brings to mind the me? non-religious; Sugya – Talmudic topic; Beis – halachos of tam and mu’ad, as discussed in

20 www.kolhamevaser.com Volume III, Issue 5 Purim Issue

Panel Convened on Cholent: A Short Story

the Topic of BY: Yossi Steinberger from cholent cravings. Christian Heinreich Heine, one of the most significant romantic Midnight Madness! In a flash, the YU German poets (1797-1856), born a Jew but Coveting Wives men rushed towards that hallowed sanctuary, baptized as a child, gushes (using the German leaning forward, walking purposefully, as if word “schalet” for cholent): trying to blast off. In crazed, kinetic motion, “Schalet, ray of light immortal! BY: A Newswriter With No Bias but the event should not have happened. Also, their neurons buzzing furiously, they flew Schalet, daughter of Elysium!” there was a petition that said that the event forks-first for the mounds and mounds of So had Schiller’s song resounded, should not have happened but we should still steaming goo. The large stampeded the small, Had he ever tasted schalet. This past Monday night, following a con- have compassion. Among all these variegated the small out-maneuvered the large, each seek- For this schalet is the very certed effort on the part of R’ Twersky to con- responses, there might have been a common ing unity with the turbulent blend of brown Food of heaven, which, on Sinai, vene such a forum, a group of three theme, but it wasn’t fully clear what that hues. Lifting their bowls high, the victorious God Himself instructed Moses in the se- not-so-discreet individuals held tish in the theme was. flashed distorted, stretched smiles, high-fiving cret of preparing.iv Belfer Commons to a crowd of 8.3 million The entire YU administration viewed the battle-worn buddies. But reflected in the vic- Thus, the nations speak sadly of the Jew- people, and that’s not counting the 200,000 whole experience as a major success, and in- tors’ gleaming eyes were the masses’ scattered ish people, whose intestines and hearts bare left outside to freeze in the cold. The topic tends to hold many more such panels in the limbs. Woe! At that time, students stole from the trauma of their compulsive cholent con- of the day was “Sachmod: under their classmates, ignoring pitiful re- sumption. Wife-Coveting in Yeshiva minders of friendship past. The very heavens …………………… University,” and it pre- cried... Midnight Madness was the last straw, sented the autobiographical …………………… causing God to convene with the angels to re- stories of these three very Year One, Garden of Eden. God created view the situation. It was readily apparent that proud individuals. Adam from earth, Eve from his rib, and the situation on earth was spiraling out of con- warned The meeting started them both, off with Rabbi Blau stating, “Now, this clearly for the record, that tree, you “We all know that holding must not panels on homosexuality is eat from.”i an issur de-oraysa. It is for Eve ate an this reason that we are in- apple and stead holding a panel on fed Adam coveting wives, which, some. God though obviously ex- decreed, tremely comparable, is not “From now as bad because it’s much on, you less dangerous.” Following will have a his wise words of introduc- desire for tion, there was wild clap- any strong- ping and cheering, smelling combination of meat, potatoes, trol; the Jews were worshiping cholent with followed by beer-chugging beans, and rice. You will worship this strange wild abandon. Feldheim Publishers had just ($2 for the uncovetting, a foodstuff, but from it you will suffer dreadful published a hugely popular coffee-table book reduced $1 For coveters!) The Panel afflictions.” Evicted from Paradise, they wan- on cholent, filled with large glossy photo- and raucous cheers. dered, hapless victims of insane yearning for graphs of cholents from communities around The three speakers at cholent; and afterwards they would gnash their the world, a scratch-n-sniff section, and a page the event were, Rabbi Leib teeth painfully. explaining the molecular composition of Tropper, former head of the Eternal Jewish future. At the advice of R’ Twersky shlit”a, …………………… cholent. Kol Hamevaser staff-writers were Family organization, famous polygamist and events have been planned for those who covet For thousands of years, Jews have suf- hotly debating the correctness of “khulent” recent convert to Sefardic Judaism Tom animal’s wives and those who struggle with fered too much to describe. Writing from Vi- versus “xulent.” Philosophers had excitedly Greene, and a current YC student who finishing shenayim mikra on a weekly basis. enna in 1180, R. Yitzchak describes how shtetl announced their conclusion that cholent by founded the Sachmod club. Though not rep- Yidn, driven by angry demons, would bring definition could not be defined. The most-dis- resented in person, the Dead Yavam Society uncooked cholent to the communal oven on cussed halakhic topic concerned whether or also sent a letter in order to be represented at Friday nights, to which they returned, the next not a person is permitted to eat cholent now, this ganel (a new code word for gathering- day, in happy anticipation.ii In 1998, Israelis if it will certainly detract from the person’s panel). gathered at the Dan Panorama Hotel in Haifa. oneg Shabbat later. Jews just could not get Reactions by YU Roshei Yeshivah to the 131 semi-finalists waited anxiously, as thirty enough of cholent; from the humid, greasy panel were varied. Some Roshei Yeshivah judges chewed and swallowed their way basements of Vizhnitz, to the airy, expansive published a letter that we should have com- through enough cholent to feed a small army. halls of the Conservative Community Center; passion for these people, but there should be Esther Israel, 39, of Kfar Saba got first prize from the gas stations of Monsey, to the bikkur no event. A sihah by other Roshei yeshivah for her spinach-flavored cholent. Overjoyed, holim room of New York-Presbyterian hospi- said that there should be no event, but we she commented, “I’ve fulfilled a dream. I’ve tal. should still have compassion for these people. always wanted many people to eat my cook- Deciding that enough was enough, the Richard Joel and Rabbi Reiss also signed a ing, because my children don’t appreciate it.”iii heavenly tribunal removed the yetser ha-ra for letter, saying that compassion was called for, Even the farthest-flung soul knows no peace cholent. The guys in that sanctuary, finally

Volume III, Issue 5 www.kolhamevaser.com 21 Kol Hamishtakker able to see, embarrassedly avoided the eyes of their friends, with whom they were sharing second and third-hand bowls. That Shabbat, the gabba’im announced, “After davening, there will be hot garbage and drinks down- Ultra-Orthodoxee Meets Ultra-Orthodoxtree stairs, in honor of the simhah.” At the Sat- marer Rebbe’s tish, the Rebbe’s shirayim, ten BY: Moishie Dokterlawyerstein hurting any trees?” But hard-liner Rabbi Let- being spared. “We had it nice when we were beans organically glued to kishke, circulated dan Vironment Eatmaishortz maintains a forgotten for a millennium and a half,” ex- aimlessly amongst the apprehensive Hasidim. tougher stance: “If the trees want to shake us, plained some of the snails. “Then, some rab- The next Shabbat, everyone stayed home. When Halakhah puts life at risk, pikkuah let them try. If they want trouble, we’ll start bis come ‘round looking for tekhelet. Now, we Breslov Hasidim stopped bouncing. nefesh (the saving of a life) nearly always using paper for Sifrei Torah instead of kelaf know we’ve got the stuff, but our neighbors, Tens of millions of Jews faced the heav- takes precedence. Although we are all familiar (animal hide). That’ll show ‘em.” The battle the cuttlefish, are always having these parties ens and voiced their fundamental belief in with the three major exceptions to late at night – and they keep us up. cholent. They yelled in unison, “We all love this rule (making sure your tsitsit So we told the rabbis it’s the cut- cholent!” One man in the crowd said, “I don’t. are out, pronouncing birkat ha- tlefish they’re looking for, and that I like Kugel,” but Dr. Bernstein quickly slew hammah, and being seen at the kept us safe for a while. But of him. They yelled and yelped, and yelped and Seforim Sale), do we consider the course, the rabbis went and learned yelled, “We all love to eat cholent!” But they other mitsvot for which we sacri- organic chemistry and now we could not penetrate the highest levels of the fice life all the time? Yes, I am can’t come up on the beach with- heavens. The organizers spied one little boy, talking about the arba’at ha- out being cracked open and named Yossele, who was reading a book, off minim (). cooked up by some science-rabbis to the side. Red-faced, they bellowed, “Your Every year, Jews slice down for their tsitsit.” family, town, and nation, are in danger! Now thousands of thriving lulavim and In response to these griev- help us, you must!” Yossele whispered, “I love etrogim and an even greater num- ances, some community leaders cholent!” Then, the heavens finally heard the ber of prospering branches of are urging their followers to reex- Jews’ cry. hadasim and aravot. The arboreal amine their customary practices to community quivers in fear as the avoid problems like this in the fu- …Just in time for the world-famous human Yamim Nor’aim approach. ture. Among the institutions under Yeshiva University Cholent Cook-Off. For them, “Mi yihyeh u-mi scrutiny is the ubiquitous Friday yamut? (Who will live and who night cranberry-crunch kugel. A will die?)” has more impact than mitsvah-food according to many, i Rough translation of Be-Reshit 2:7. it does for most people. The widespread preparation of this del- ii “Cholent.” Wikipedia, the Free Encyclope- yearly massacre of these lovely icacy entails the excessive destruc- dia. Accessed Feb. 15, 2010. Available at: growing things is a glossed-over tion of cranberries. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cholent. atrocity on par with the un- In a proactive move on the iii Helen Kaye, “Strong to the Finish, Spinach protested cruelty of the popular part of the rabbis, Rabbi Vutter V. Dish Wins Cholent Contest,” JWeekly, Febru- custom to eat dried carob on Tu Gunnadoo approached the chick- ary 13, 1998. Accessed: February 15, 2010. bi-Shevat – another inhumane ens to discuss the sticky issue of Available at: practice chalked up to religious kapparot (atonements). Surpris- http://www.jweekly.com/article/full/7597/stro observance. ingly, the chickens were okay with ng-to-the-finish-spinach-dish-wins-cholent- This year, though, a group of the ongoing practice. Gordon contest/. ultra-Orthodox trees has wised up Fliegelman, negotiating on behalf iv Heinreich Heine, “Princess Sabbath,” in The and decided to take action. After of the chickens, explained, “The Works of Heinrich Heine, vol. 9, Romancero, spending two days in shul on their chickens are sympathetic to your Third Book: Hebrew Melodies, transl. Mar- Rosh ha-Shanah, Tu bi-Shevat, needs, and they are willing to offer garet Armour (London: William Heineman, then repenting with their leaves their ongoing cooperation. But 1905), pp. 7-8. all a-shaking ten days later, the they still want to be allowed to trees have decided that fifteen days after their rages on, but as Sukkot le-Ilanot approaches, poop on your heads occasionally.” Rabbi Rosh ha-Shanah must be their Sukkot. Hu- the trees are getting restless, and people who Gunnadoo acceded to their demands. mans – beware! live near trees face mounting danger. This era of heightened environmental Based on the pasuk of “Ki ha-adam ets In light of the trees’ vocal rebellion, other awareness presents interesting, if slightly ha-sadeh (for a human being is a tree of the creatures that are consumed in the practice of minor, obstacles in many areas of Jewish field),”i the tree community has reinterpreted Jewish rituals have mounted their own re- practice. Maybe, out of hakkarat ha-tov for the pesukim pertaining to the arba’at ha- volts. For instance, parot adumot (red heifers) that enormous tree that let Haman hang, we minim as referring to human limbs and or- have found the courage to unite against the can ask the tree nicely before we pick gans. As their mantra, they have adopted the Jews. Carmen Bovinitas, spokeswoman for next year’s specimen. Midrashii about the minim representing spines, the Red Cow Initiative, complains, “This hearts, lips, and eyes, and they mean it in a mitsvah doesn’t even make sense.” In general, whole new, far more gruesome, way. The their claim is that Jews have been burning the Moishie Dokterlawyerstein is currently grisly ma’aseh ha-mitsvah (act of the rarest specimens of red cows, and then they Undeclared, but he excels at gauging the mitsvah) that the trees have been mehaddesh complain about how it is so hard to find a frumness of his peers based on their style of (innovated) means that humans are in danger good parah adumah – “Maybe don’t burn us clothing. of being sliced, bound, and shaken. up so much,” many parot have been heard Rabbis across the world are engaging in complaining. discussions questioning whether our centuries Murex snails, the mollusks whose life- i Devarim 20:19. of tree cruelty were too much. The liberal juices dye our tsitsit blue, expressed their dis- ii Va-Yikra Rabbah 30:12. Rabbi Poppel R. Opinyun asks, “Perhaps we taste at being rediscovered, too. Interestingly, were meant to find some way of being further inquest into their story revealed that mekayyem [fulfilling] the mitsvah without this is not the first effort they have made at

22 www.kolhamevaser.com Volume III, Issue 5 Purim Issue

Besides Purim issues, Kol Hamevaser also occasionally publishes semi-serious issues. Get a head-start on writing for these exciting upcoming editions of the paper. Please send all submissions, letters-to-the-editor, and queries to:

[email protected]

Torah, Literature, and the Arts Possible topics include: The Use of the Bible in English/; The Relationship between Torah and Literature; The Use of Literature in Learning Torah; Literary Approaches to Bible and Talmud; The Value of the Humanities and Artistic Expression in Judaism; Beauty and Aesthetics; Jewish Art History, Art in the , Beit Midrash, and School; Art in Halakhah; and much more!

Submissions due: March 2, 2010

Halakhah and Minhag Possible topics include: Methodologies of Pesak (Yere Shamayim Yetse Yedei Sheneihem, Mah Tov, Kohah de-Hetteira Adifa, Ha-Mahmir Tavo Alav Berakhah); Sefaradic, Mizrahi, Ashkenazic, German Jewish, and Hasidic Halakhah; Minhag ha-Makom (Lo Titgodedu); When is Minhag Oker Halakhah?; Minhag Yisrael Torah Hi (Ve-Al Tittosh Torat Immekha); Philosophy of Halakhah; History of Halakhic Development (Tamar Ross and Rav Kook); The Concept of a Universal Law Code for all Jews (Shulhan Arukh); in Halakhah; Minhag Shetut; Innovation in Pesak; The Power of Beit Din; and much more!

Submissions due: March 22, 2010

Judaism in America Possible topics include: So-Called “Minhag America” ( Presents, Lack of Hair Covering for Women); American Religious ; The Impact of the Year in Israel on American Orthodoxy; Aliyyah to Israel vs. Staying in America; Jews and Sports; Interdenominational Relations; Unique Challenges to Jewish Life in America; America vs. “the Old Country” as Diaspora Communities; Affluence in the American Jewish Community; and much more!

Submissions due: April 19, 2010

Volume III, Issue 5 www.kolhamevaser.com 23