DOI: 10.2478/rjp-2021-0010 Rom J Psychoanal 2021, 14(1):129-138 Rom J Psychoanal
THE SECRET OF LOVE Rodica Matei 11
Abstract: In the game of drive, the Eros has the role of psychically binding excitations, so that a tolerable quantity of psychic energy is maintained, avoiding a traumatic spill of libidinal energy. Freud discovers the possibility of impulse entanglement by directing destructiveness outwards through the action of the libido. When the child is insufficiently invested by the environment he develops in, his psychism will develop on a fragile foundation. This frailness can be encapsulated in a rigid protective shell that will not allow for authentic development. We speak of a narcissistic deficit that leads either to an internal dynamic that aims to repair the deficit of primary investment, or to an internal dynamic that perpetuates this deficit. Defense mechanisms specific to narcissistic functioning are idealization and devaluation, and the need for reparation can emerge only after acknowledgement of the narcissistic wound. The sentiment of one’s own worth is disturbed in both situations, the identity nucleus itself being affected. The person would feel shame, sentiments of inferiority, permanently in need of reassurance regarding his/her worth. The capacity to love will be conditioned by the establishment of a good contact with the authentic self, through valuing the self, recognizing one’s own needs and identities.
Keywords: Eros, narcissism, narcissistic deficiencies, pulsional entanglement, primary masochism
11 Romanian Society of Psychoanalysis; [email protected]
129 Mă învelesc de frig... [I wrap myself against the cold] Nichita Stanescu
Mă învelesc de frig într-o speranţă cum se-nveleşte soba nou zidită în relieful de faianţă cu focul pururi logodită.
Nu pune mâna peste mine dacă-i vară căci n-ai să înţelegi nimic. stimată doamnă-domnişoară din frig.
Ci vino când nu merge nimeni, când nu avem picioare, vino dar mai ales când voi fi orb, lumino.
[I wrap myself in hope against the cold / as the newly built stove is wrapped / in the shaped tiles / with fire always engaged. / Do not touch me if it’s summer / as you won’t understand anything / dear miss-missus / from the cold. / But come when no one is coming, / when we have no legs, come / but especially when I will be blind / light.]
Introduction
In Freudian terms, the Eros covers a series of psychic phenomena, from libido, to the search for pleasure, to the life drive in itself. In 1920 Freud introduces impulse dualism, in Beyond the Pleasure Principle, including the search for pleasure in the flux of the Eros, as a tendency towards unification, creation, construction. The life drive is revealed to Freud in the context of its conflict with the death drive – Thanatos, an expression of non-existence, annihilation, destruction. In this pulsional game, the Eros has the role of psychically binding excitations so that a tolerable quantity of psychic energy is maintained, thus avoiding a traumatic expression of libidinal energy. I began with a poem by Nichita, who, in his genius, plastically and concretely expresses the way in which the Eros acts to liberate psychism from the domination of the Thanatos. With a direct link to the unconscious, as only great poets have, beyond the psychoanalytic setting,
130 Nichita speaks to us of cold, helplessness, abandonment, void, an experience of the sensation of death, an expression of the Thanatos. He puts into words an archaic state of battle between life and death, between light and dark, between warmth and cold. A primordial state of the human being, that still seeks any opportunity to emerge, throughout psychic development, in virtue of the compulsion for repetition, an expression of the death drive. It is thus that Freud shows there is an internal source of massive excitation that goes beyond the barrier of psychic protection, risking to invade psychism if the Eros, the life drive, does not have the power to bind this excitation. This action of the life drive, this light, is what Nichita speaks of in his poem. On the other hand, in lack of light, we can align ourselves with hope, with the imago of life and of light. As Freud said, we are strange animals, calming ourselves at the simple sight of our mother. Instead of the word mother we could use the name of the person we love. Behind this sentiment of serenity, however, there is a series of interactions of attunement between the subject and the other. Primary attunement is the bridge we can build to overcome overwhelming archaic anxiety. If the experience of the attunement is lacking, one of the means for psychic survival is developing a primitive sentiment of omnipotence, which supposes the idealization of a precocious Ego. The other, perceived as dangerous, will become an internal object felt as threatening to the omnipotent Ego. Such a pulsional dynamic is what lies at the foundation of the avoiding attachment, through which the subject perceives attention, interest, closeness or the warmth of the other, as a threat to the independence of their own autonomy. The intimacy and attunement with the other weaken the protective shield of omnipotence, placing the subject before the risk of coming into contact with primitive affects of disintegration and fragmentation. In Beyond the Pleasure Principle, Freud shows us that, during the psychoanalytical cure, the awakening of infantile trauma can generate internal psychic tensions that cannot be worked through, meaning bound by words. These are those archaic traumas, or trans-generational traumas, that cannot be bound to a conscious experience. In this case, he says, analytic therapy will fail, because the psychic energy that spills into the conscious cannot be psychically bound, therefore elaborated. So, in this specific situation, where archaic traumas are activated, words are not enough to wrap someone in hope, to quote Nichita. The game between Eros and Thanatos, between sadism and primary masochism, between self-preservation and sexuality, can end in pulsional de-entanglement. In 1923, in The Ego and the Id, Freud introduces the Superego into the equation, which would attract the destructiveness specific to the death drive and would subtract it from the action of psychic binding exercised by the death drive. In 1924, in The Economic Problem of Masochism, Freud discovers the possibility of impulse entanglement by directing destructiveness towards the outside, through the action of the libido.
131 The statement that the libido has the mission of making the destructive drive inoffensive by directing it outwards, towards the objects of the external world, becomes essential for psychoanalytical technique and overcoming an impasse in the cure, mentioned above. In referring to Nichita’s poem, we can thus help the blinded person perceive the light they need, without wrapping up in a hope, without closing up in a protective, but isolating shell. Returning to the origins of infantile trauma, in order to follow the destiny of the life drive and understand how we can, in the analytic cure, facilitate pulsional intricacy, I will refer especially to the situation in which the child is insufficiently invested narcissistically. Freud points out that Eros, as an energy binding psychic tension, is one of the forces that manifest early on. Only through this binding of primary energies can one reach a functioning in accordance to the principle of pleasure. The failure of the life drive at this stage will lead to a primary masochism in which pleasure can be intolerable. When the child is insufficiently invested by the environment in which he develops, meaning the mother, his psychism will be constructed on frail foundations. This fragility can be encapsulated in a rigid protective shell that does not allow for authentic development. The child can protect himself from this fragility through the illusion of omnipotence, not accepting any failure or situation that would not reaffirm his power and worth. This investment demands permanent validation, not allowing the person to construct him/her self internally on the basis of the acknowledgement received, acknowledgement that seems to become lost in the person’s internal void. In fact, the individual is lacking the mechanism with which to elaborate the received investment, so the person relives, again and again, the sentiment of something lacking, constantly needing approval, validation. This is a narcissistic deficit that leads either to an internal dynamic that aims to repair this deficit of primary investment through the idealization of one’s own person, through actions that seek to obtain approval of one’s worth and importance to the other, or to an internal dynamic that perpetuates this deficit, in a constant devaluation of self and always putting the other first. In this latter situation, the person will function with a permanent narcissistic deficit, incapable of acting out of personal interest, even in situations where the person’s self-preservation is in peril. Additionally, speaking of self-preservation, the narcissist who functions on the basis of idealization does not act for self-preservation, but rather to increase self-esteem, as Nancy McWilliams points out. So, in both types of functioning, the persons feel like ‘frauds’ and ‘un-loveable’. The defense mechanisms specific to narcissistic functioning are idealization and devaluation. Everything is inscribed in terms of self-worth and the right to an independent identity.
132 In this work I will make a eulogy for healthy narcissism, self-love, libidinal investment of one’s own person, a narcissism so blamed that it has become a trait criticized and loathed in common knowledge. I think this restoration of the founding role narcissism has in edifying a mature, autonomous personality is useful, especially in the context of Romanian psycho-social reality. More precisely, I am referring to the play between idealization and devaluation, between Eros and Thanatos, between constructive and destructive, which characterizes the self-image of Romanians. On a social level, an idealization of the western model is being circulated, linked to public institutions in particular and the importance and respect bestowed upon the citizen, concomitantly with a massive contempt for everything that is Romanian. Expressions like “nowhere else is like this”, “any miracle only lasts three days”, “a head that’s down won’t be cut by a sword”, all with negative connotations, prove a resignation as well as a recourse to humility as a means for survival. This dynamic can be explained at least through the soviet- communist dictatorship. It may also have emerged as a reparatory movement focusing on narcissic deficit, a grandiose Romanian self, in Kohut’s terms, an idealization of Romanian values, with the fantasy that Romanians are a chosen people, with supernatural powers, and Romania is a magical, mysterious, divine land. In this context, I consider it necessary to take interest in the effects of narcissistic deficit socially induced on the individual, the effects of which we are confronted with in our clinical practice. The need for reparation can emerge only after acknowledgement of the narcissistic wound. And this acknowledgement/reparation must come, in this case, from the social. Beyond any sentiment of omnipotence, narcissistic fragility is expressed through sentiments that are related to insufficient self-investment, i.e. shame, inner void, sensation of falsehood, of not being whole – an empty self, as Kernberg said. Kernberg underlines this defense from narcissistic frailty in describing the grandiose self, as in through feelings of contempt towards the others’ helplessness, vanity, exigency towards one’s self. What we should remark is that a good internal object is lacking in the internal dynamic of a narcissist, generated from the lack of the experience of a relationship with a good-enough mother. For this reason, shattering, in one way or another, the illusion of possessing a grandiose self is what plunges the subject with narcissistic wounds in the void of his lacking internal structure. Breaking, through criticism, failure or confrontation with reality, the cast that the idealized self represents for the narcissist, will determine a massive devaluation of their own person and the sentiment of an inner fragmentation and a lack of consistency. This devaluation can be so overwhelming that it determines its projection on an object, and the need to destroy that respective object, symbolic or concrete. In a profound way, the sentiment of self-worth is disturbed in both situations, and
133 the identity nucleus itself is affected, as the person feels ashamed, inferior, permanently demanding and requiring validation, assurances regarding their ( his/her ) worth. On the other hand, the person with narcissistic wounds can exhibit this fragility in an ostentatious manner, expecting support and protection from the others. This fragility can be used to dominate and control the other, in an incessant, endless demand to be repaired. Narcissistic fragility can be displaced onto the body as well, in a constant preoccupation towards the way in which it functions – see pathologies linked to healthy eating – or the manner in which the body is presented – for example persons who won’t let others see them unless they look impeccable. From this point of view, Anzieu’s skin-ego concept is an illustration of this psychic dynamic, in which the body is used to protect psychic fragility. Winnicott points out the role that the interpenetration of body and psyche has in edifying a healthy personality, speaking of the process of personalization, of construction of the self, starting from the installment of the psychic in the soma, i.e. somatic collusion. In those archaic stages in which rudimentary psyche is intimately bound to bodily functioning, this collusion can only take place through containment and support from the mother. Through these mainly corporal behaviors, the body becomes the ‘living nucleus of the imaginary self’, as Winnicott states (Winnicott, 1975, p. 87). Narcissistic fragility appears when the child is not seen in his reality, instead being placed in a narcissic scenario by the parents. He will conform to the needs of his entourage, to the detriment of his own narcissism, of healthy investment of his own persona. In this sense, Winnicott says that the unadapted child is the one to whom the world has not adapted in a proper way from the very beginning. Narcissistic wounds can be covered, in the attempt to build the feeling of a coherent and unitary self through: 1. Constructing a false self. 2. Altruism and focusing on the needs of others. On the surface, in both situations, we can speak of an idealized self-image. However, behind both manifestations, we are dealing with a strong devaluation of the self, the dismissal of one’s own needs and the lack of identity. While in the first situation the self-esteem and sentiment of legitimacy are given by the presence of certain attributes that are linked to one’s own person, in the second case they depend on what psychoanalysis of object relationships calls “objects of the self” – objects through which the person defines himself and justifies his existence.
134 I will now present two clinical vignettes to illustrate the two situations.
V – looking for an identity kit V is a very violent person towards those close to him. Verbally violent and oftentimes physically violent as well. V has a perfect life. Family, children, wealth. His house is built according to the latest trends. His look follows the latest fashions. He is nowhere. He feels alive only when some somatizations occur: headaches, stomachaches. Then he is sure of his existence. His violence is a reaction in front of anxiety, the pain of not being seen by the other, in front of death and in front of the void. He feels vulnerable and frail when in contact with others. He fusionally connects to their needs and can only protect himself through violence. Once he becomes aware of this interior dynamic, his therapy becomes a continuous pressure in the search for a kit of inner construction – like an IKEA. What are the elements, what are the assembly steps? He finds them, but the connective elements are missing – the ones that ensure the cohesion of the structure. Therefore, at any slight touch, everything crumbles, fragments. He asks me what there is to be done. I reply that he needs patience. And then timidly, snippets of good memories appear, loaded with disgust and shame. Precious shards that I collect with care. I treasure them instead her.
G – to be or not to be yourself G is a wonderful woman, nice, helpful, you can count on her through hard times. She performs her duties at work almost perfectly. All her family and her husband’s and her brother’s are counting on her. She is the one they call whenever something happens. Really, anything. For example, when there is nothing on the TV. Her father calls her, so she deals with it. The only thing is, she cannot do this anymore… She comes to therapy when she realizes she cannot save everyone, especially her brother who is an alcoholic and refuses to seek help for it and change his ways, like a last push against the wishes of the others, at any cost. Sessions with G pass one after the other with stories about the needs of others, her brother’s alcoholism, her father’s fears, her mother’s diseases… Until, one day, she slips and injures both her knees. She realizes there is no one to help her, not even her husband, who seems scared and angry at her helplessness. The helplessness generated by the accident makes her recall an episode from her adolescence, when her parents asked her to give up on a school trip, so she’d take care of her younger brother. I ask her what she felt then. She doesn’t remember feeling anything, but she’d told herself “I can do this”. This experience seems to define her. Being capable of any effort, any sacrifice, seems a a necessity for her existence. When, seeing she is exhausted, I tell her
135 “stop when you don’t want to any longer, or when you can’t anymore”, provoking a true existential dilemma: to live or not to live for and through the other. And in this case, in this moment of the therapy, early memories resurfaced, putting her into contact with parts of herself that caused her intense feelings of shame and disgust. In these sequences it is about her needs and the way she would affirm them at that time, concomitantly with the precocious desire to satisfy her parents. In this way she realizes that, in order to build herself, she needs to renounce these objects of the self and live for herself. The capacity to love, herself and others, will be quantitatively and qualitatively conditioned by a good contact with the authentic self, the valuing of the self, the acknowledgement of one’s own needs and identities.
Clinical aspects
The treatment of narcissistic patients evolved from Freud’s concept that narcissists are incapable of transference and unapproachable by psychoanalytical technique to the contemporary perspective that narcissistic aspects are encountered in any analytical cure. Winnicott underlines the necessity of the creation of a setting that allows regression to primary narcissism, a state from which the patient can begin to form a true self. The Kleinian view brings another approach of narcissism in analysis, placing the emphasis on relieving separation anxiety, on analyzing envy, helplessness, idealization of the self and of the object. The analysis of narcissistic patients is finely characterized by Rosenfeld, who said that, ‘in narcissistic object relationships, defenses against any acknowledgement of separation between self and object play a defining role’ (Rosenfeld, 1987, p. 238). Starting from here we must analyze the play between envy towards the idealized object and hatred towards it, approaching the depressive position. Keeping this entire psychic dynamic in mind, however, narcissistic fragility must be mirrored and contained. The therapist must lead the relationship in such a way as to support the fragility like a protective layer. Thus he will permit the re-instauration of the life drive’s binding function, allowing it to re-establish the pleasure principle. He will take on the function of a skin, flexible, permeable and protective. Narcissistic transference will make the therapist be idealized or devalued, without truly being seen as a separate person. He is experienced as a narcissistic extension and treated as such. This is how idealized or devalued parts of the self will be projected onto the therapist, and the means in which the latter integrates them is healing. The therapist will therefore exercise this function of binding psychic tension, of leading the subject from internal chaos created by the fragmentation
136 specific to the death drive towards the unification given by the pleasure of drive discharge. It is a slow process that involves a series of concrete gestures, often linked to the therapeutic setting. From a simple open window, to going to the bathroom or accepting a coffee. (I think that the analytic use of concrete gestures may be sometimes useful but it is not always indispensable). Patient X is apparently very open, cheerful. But sessions go by and all she does is conscientiously report on what happens between sessions. She writes down her dreams in detail, she reads them carefully. All is controlled. No spontaneous movement. One day, she rushes to leave because she urgently needs the bathroom. She doesn’t want to use the clinic bathroom. A series of sessions follows, at the end of which she effectively runs to go to the bathroom somewhere else. This is masochism and the rejection of the pleasure of release. Therapy continues with remembering moments of pleasure, severely sanctioned by her family. Then she brings a series of objects she created, which I receive and exhibit. What followed was a series of dreams centered on the idea of death, which we interpret in the sense of a part of her returning to life. Almost 9 months of analysis during which we approached the theme of death. Then, suddenly, after a session, she goes to use the clinic bathroom, of course. After this, a series of sessions where she arrives early just to go use the bathroom. The pleasure principle is reclaiming its place. Her life is starting to be guided by pleasure. In countertransference, the therapist can feel useless, bored, irritated. Oftentimes there is a state of intense somnolence that, to me, signifies the state of unavailability and absence of a containing environment, which the narcissistic patient induces in the therapist. As a therapeutic approach, it is important to transmit to the patient the respect for his rhythms, to help him give himself space and time in therapy, without focusing on being or not being an excellent patient or an excellent therapy. Another important aspect is approaching sentiments of shame and disgust towards the self. It is also important to place the patient in contact with his needs, oftentimes the most banal, such as the need, filled with shame, to go to the bathroom. It is essential to recognize and respect one’s needs, from the most basic to those that are linked to the self-esteem for the patient’s authentic self.
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